TWO DOLLAR BEER

(So What, Now What)

Pilot Episode/rewrite

By Mike Binder

12/30/08

Sunlight Productions
12211 Idaho Ave #101
310-207-3763
 TWO DOLLAR BEER- COLD OPEN
EXT. PORCH DAY
(MOLLY, LUKE, CAROL, BURT, MITCHELL, DAVE, DONNA)
A WORKING CLASS WOODEN HOME WITH A LARGE PORCH IN FRONT. WE
OPEN AND FIND; LUKE STELTER, 24, A SLIGHTLY GRIZZLED EX HIGH
SCHOOL JOCK. HANDSOME. COMPLICATED. (THINKS TOO MUCH.) LUKES
ALWAYS SURE HES RIGHT AND FOR THE MOST PART, USUALLY ISNT.
(*NOTE; THE USUALLY ISNT USUALLY COMES AT A STEEP PRICE.)
WITH LUKE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND; MOLLY HANSEN, 23. SWEET. CUTE. A
MIDWESTERN GIRL. HAS A CERTAIN SIMPLE SIDE ABOUT HER, SOFT,
LIKEABLE. A GIANT HEART. A LITTLE LOST. NOT STUPID, NOT AT
ALL. JUST A BIT OF DREAMER WHO NEVER REALLY KNOWS WHAT IT IS
SHES DREAMING ABOUT.
THE THIRD PERSON WE MEET ON THIS BIG OLD WOODEN PORCH IS;
CAROL TAYLOR 23; BLACK WITH A RACK. IM SORRY, DONT HATE ME
BUT ITS TRUE. THIS GIRL IS TRULY HOT. SHES GOT A GREAT HEAD
OF HAIR AND AN AWESOME BODY AND YES, SHES ALSO SMART AS CAN
BE. (RECEIVED A FULL SCHOLARSHIP TO U OF M IN ANN ARBOR AND
GRADUATED WITH HONORS.) CAROL IS INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT AND
LIGHTENING QUICK. EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS...
THEN FOR SOME REASON IT JUST BECOMES HER AND THOSE TITS.
SO.. WE HAVE LUKE, MOLLY, CAROL.... ITS ELEVEN IN THE
MORNING.. THEYRE FACING EACH OTHER ON THE PORCH, STARING
DOWN A SIX PACK OF BEER ON THE FLOOR IN BETWEEN THEM.
MOLLY
Is it too early to start drinking?
LUKE
...Hell no, its what?... a tad before
noon?
MOLLY
Its ten-fifteen.
CAROL
Not too early for me. I have an
excuse. Im suffering from a broken
heart. I need to numb the madness.
MOLLY
You always have a broken heart Carol.
One after another since kindergarten.
 2.

CAROL
True, and sadly, I didnt understand
the power of beer until fifth grade.
SHE REACHES DOWN, GRABS A BOTTLE. CRACKS IT OPEN.
LUKE
What about me? Whats my excuse?
CAROL
Youre in parental hell. Your fathers
inside having a crap-fest. Petulantly
threatening to move he and your mom
above the garage when all you ever did
was save their asses from losing this
house. You have a heavy cross to bear.
LUKE AGREES. LEANS DOWN, GRABS A BEER FROM THE SIX PACK.
MOLLY
Whats my cross to bear?
CAROL
(Ponders, then) You live with the fact
that you regularly have sex with him.
MOLLY LOOKS AT LUKE. CAROLS RIGHT. LEANS DOWN. GRABS A
BOTTLE. LUKE WINKS. SLYLY SMILES. JUST THEN...BURT BALOW, 22,
A GOOD LOOKING, YET ODDLY SIMPLE, STRANGELY DRESSED YOUNG GUY
COMES UP THE PORCH FROM THE BACKYARD, LIMPING.
CAROL (CONTD)
...And you used to have sex with him.
MOLLY CONCURS, REACHES DOWN, PULLS THE WHOLE SIX BACK OVER TO
HER SIDE OF THE PORCH.. CLAIMS IT ALL.
TITLE SMASHES ACROSS THE SCREEN. TWO DOLLAR BEER
CREDITS ROLL OVER; THE ENTIRE CAST GIVING A TOUR OF DETROIT
MICHIGAN- THE MOTOR CITY-MOTOWN-TIGERTOWN-HOCKEYTOWN..
 3.

ACT ONE
EXT. LUKES HOUSE - DAY
(BURT, LUKE, MOLLY, CAROL, MITCHELL, DAVE, DONNA)
LUKE, MOLLY, BURT, CAROL ARE STILL ON THE PORCH. FROM INSIDE
THOUGH, WE NOW HEAR SOMEONE, A MAN, YELLING, RANTING. (NONE
OF IT REALLY MAKES SENSE.) BURT LISTENS TO THE LOUD MURMUR
FROM INSIDE.
BURT
...lot of yelling in there all
morning... (confused) Is it a holiday?
LUKE
Hes yelling about me. Were deep into
it today. Its about the house again.
MOLLY
(to Burt) ..Why are you limping? Did
you come over through the backyards?
BURT
..I was... working out in my basement,
dropped a weight. On my leg.
IN A SERIES OF SPLIT SCREENS (STACKED RECTANGULAR BOXES
OVERLAID ON TOP OF OUR SCENE UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE
SCREEN); WE SEE; BURT ,IN HIS BASEMENT, WORKING OUT WITH
WEIGHTS, DROPS ONE ON HIS LEG.
MOLLY
..You dont work out... never have.
ANOTHER SERIES OF SPLIT SCREEN BOXES SHOWS THE TRUTH; BURT
RUNS THROUGH A NEIGHBORS BACKYARD CROSSING OVER TO LUKES
HOUSE AND HOPS A FENCE, MISSES HIS JUMP, LANDING SQUARE ONTO
HIS MID-SECTION, DOUBLING HIM OVER. SPLIT SCREENS FADES AWAY
AS HE FALLS TO THE GROUND IN A HEAP.
BURT
...I was working out on the fence
between the yards. Navy Seal stuff.
 4.

MOLLY
(Knows better) Im going inside. If I
dont survive, speak well of me.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR, THE YELLING GETS LOUDER. SHE GOES IN.
BURT
Have you seen Mitchell? Hes gone a
lot lately. He never leaves the house.
Im thinking maybe he got a job.
CAROL
Not a chance, hes Mitchell..
POP-UP. A DISC POPS UP ON SCREEN. (A CIRCULAR OVER-LAY)
SHOWS MITCHELL SWEENY, 23, WILD HEAD OF HAIR, UNSHAVEN, A
TOTAL MESS. THE WORLDS GROUCHIEST GUY. THE DISC FADES AWAY.
LUKE
(Oblivious; Points inside) I had the
nerve to ask them if theyd give Molly
and I the master bedroom.
SIDE BOXES; QUICK JUMP SHOTS; THE HOUSE WITH A FOR SALE
SIGN. SPRING. WINTER. SUMMER. SPRING. WINTER. SUMMER.
LUKE (CONTD)
I mean I did buy the house off them
two years ago. They were gonna lose
it. Had it on the market three years.
No one wanted a broken down house in
Detroit. Pardon me for not wanting to
live with Molly in the bedroom I grew
up in.
 5.

BURT
All the years you spent masturbating
in there. Must be weird to now have to
share it with a live woman.
LUKE
Bingo.
LUKES FATHER, DAVE STELTER, 53. STEPS OUT FROM INSIDE THE
HOUSE. GLARES AT THE GUYS. JUST A STRAINED, TAUT, DARK,
GLARE... AND THEN DAVE TURNS AND GOES BACK INSIDE.
LUKE (CONTD)
Wow. See how uptight he is? Face all
scrunched. Gonna pop out an eyeball.
CAROL
Take someones eyeball out with his
eyeball.
BURT
(Nudges Luke)..Get a brew? At the bar?
CAROL
Its ten thirty in the morning.
BURT
I like to be early. Get a good seat.
MITCHELL COMES UP ONTO THE PORCH FROM THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
(BURT JUMPS)
MITCHELL
Want to know the worse thing about
this financial crisis? Ive lost half
of my money and Im still married.
 6.

BURT
You scared the hell out of me. Dont
sneak up on people. Now Im all
unsettled.
LUKE
He didnt sneak up, its that dead
tree. Sits there. Blocks the view.
THERE IS IN FACT A GIANT OLD MAPLE TREE THAT IS VERY DEAD
ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE. MITCHELL LOOKS OVER.
MITCHELL
Youre right. Tree sucks. Cut it down.
CAROL
I agree. Lose it. (Re;Mitchell) You
need all the advance warning you can
get when this ones coming over.
LUKE
Id love to but my old man doesnt
want it cut down. He tried... years
ago, went downtown, got mind-bent by
some government pencil pusher. City
stepped in, saved the tree.
SIDE SCREENS; RECTANGLE OVERLAYS; THE DETROIT PERMIT OFFICE.
DAVE IS AT THE DESK OF A CROTCHETY GOVERNMENT DWEEB WHOS
GIVING HIM FORMS TO FILL OUT.
MITCHELL
Thats rich. City cant protect its
auto industry, but it knows how to
protect dead trees.
 7.

CAROL
Dont rev him up, hes in one his
moods. Sos big Dave. Theyre fighting
about the house again.
BURT
He asked his parents if he and Molly
could have the master bedroom.
MITCHELL
Typical; People with nothing fighting
over everything. Someone truly needs
to just off the whole human race.
LUKE
(To Mitchell) Where have you been
going?.. Youre off somewhere in the
mornings. I cant see where with that
damn tree in my way, but your cars
gone early.
LUKE STARES MITCHELL DOWN.
MITCHELL
...I dont want to talk about it.
DAVE COMES OUT AGAIN WITH LUKES MOTHER, DONNA, A FORMER HIGH
SCHOOL CHEERLEADER. (A LONG TIME FORMER) NEITHER LOOK
HAPPY.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Morning Mister S.
DAVE
ZIP IT!! (to Luke) Your mother and I
made a decision. Were moving above
the garage.

(MORE)
 8.

DAVE (CONT'D)
Its a rat hole but it was good enough
when we built it for your mothers
mentally challenged cousin Ellen..
POP UP DISC; MENTALLY CHALLENGED COUSIN ELLEN. CRAZY MAKE-
UP. BAD HAIR. MISSING TEETH. SHE SMILES. DISC DISAPPEARS.
LUKE
Youre overreacting dad. All I asked..
DAVE
Close it!! (To Burt, Mitchell, Carol)
I expect you all to help with the
moving of our stuff up to the garage.
BURT
We were gonna go get a beer.
DONNA
(Sweetly) Dave asked you nicely to zip
it.
BURT
Didnt know he was talking to me.
DONNA
(Again, nods sweetly) He was.
DAVE SNEERS, HE AND DONNA GO BACK INSIDE.
LUKE
..Good, let em move up to the garage.
Its where the mentally challenged
people in my family belong anyway.
This is my house.. my master bedroom..
CAROL
Your dead tree..
 9.

LUKE
Exactly! Citys not dealing with some
ex-auto worker now. Dead tree gets in
my way, I kill it.
BURT
Okay.. Lets go get a beer.
LUKE
No beer. No. No! We have things to do.
My old mans about to get a little
life lesson. ...This is good.....
CAROL
How is it good? What did I miss?
LUKE
Its good because now I have a plan!
CAROL
Oh great, Luke has a plan.. set your
watches, one of you is hours away from
an alley beating. (To Burt) I know
damn well you remember that one.
LUKE
(Ignores her) Cmon you two, lets
move out..
MITCHELL
(to Carol) And you wonder why I hate
people?
MITCHELL AND BURT RELUCTANTLY FOLLOW LUKE OFF OF THE PORCH.
 10.

ACT TWO

ACT TWO - SCENE A

INT. CITY OF DETROIT PERMIT OFFICE - DAY
(LUKE, CITY DWEEB, BURT, MITCHELL)
LUKE, BURT, AND MITCHEL COME DOWN A LONG AISLE, FIND CUBICLE
#11. LUKE CHECKS THE PAPER. HES IN THE RIGHT SPACE. A CITY
WORKER IS AT HIS DESK ON HIS COMPUTER. LUKE STEPS IN.
LUKE
Excuse me? Im here for a permit to
cut down a tree.
THE CITY WORKER TURNS AROUND. ITS THE SAME CITY DWEEB PENCIL
PUSHER FROM THE FLASHBACK, ONLY NOW OLDER. THE MAN JUST
STARES AT HIM. NO RESPONSE. POINTS TO THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF
THE DESK. THEY SIT.
CITY DWEEB
Do you have the application?
LUKE HANDS HIM THE APPLICATION. HE LOOKS IT OVER. MAKES AN
ODD SOUND.
LUKE
This is on Wixom road. Off of Hunter.
CITY DWEEB
Have you applied to have this tree cut
down before?
LUKE
What? Who? ...No...
BURT
(nudges him) Yes you have.
LUKE
.. No. No. We havent.
 11.

THE DWEEB STARES AT BURT.

MITCHELL
Hes not with us.
BURT
(raises his finger) Im handicapped.
A POP-UP OF HIS FINGER APPEARS. HE IS IN FACT MISSING A
TINY PART OF HIS SMALLEST FINGERS TIP.
BURT (CONTD)
I lost it working at Fords. Settled
for a workers comp early out
program. Now I dont work. Also didnt
have to go to Iraq. (Off the Dweebs
face) I miss my fingertip but Ive
enjoyed the perks ..Have I said too
much?
THE POP UP OF BURTS FINGER FADES AWAY. THE DWEEB SPINS
QUICKLY IN HIS SEAT. HIS FINGERS FLY OVER THE KEYS OF HIS
COMPUTER. HE STOPS. READS. SPINS BACK AROUND.
CITY DWEEB
This application has been filed once.
This needs to be a re-application.
LUKE
The original was forever ago.
CITY DWEEB
No. I was here. I remember it.
MITCHELL
Well what can we say? Youre...old.
Youre very, very, old.
 12.

BURT
What was Abe Lincoln like in person?
Im just curious.
CITY DWEEB
...Who is the owner of the house?
LUKE
Me. Thats me. Im the owner.
CITY DWEEB
The home is in your name?
LUKE
Yes.. as I said.. Im the owner.
THE DWEEB REACHES ACROSS HANDS LUKE A RE-APPLICATION.
CITY DWEEB
Fill this out. Youll receive a reply
within seven business days.
MITCHELL
Do you people purposely make this all
a pain in the ass?
CITY DWEEB
Yes. We do. Thank you for asking.
SPLIT SCREENS BOXES; MITCHELL JUMPS THE DESK, BEATS THE HELL
OUT OF HIM.
IN REALITY; THE DWEEB TURNS BACK TO HIS COMPUTER AND OUR
THREE GUYS SIT THERE IN AWE AT HIS ARROGANCE.
IN THE SIDE SCREEN FANTASY, THEYRE ALL THREE NOW BEATING THE
HELL OUT OF THE GOVERNMENT DWEEB.
 13.

ACT TWO - SCENE B

INT. BOWLING ALLEY BAR - NIGHT
(LUKE, MOLLY, BURT, FAKHRI, CAROL)
A BAR IN THE BACK OF THE BOWLING ALLEY. LUKE AND BURT ARE
SITTING WITH FAKHRI SWEENY, 23 AN IRANIAN-AMERICAN WOMAN IN A
WELL PRESSED NURSES UNIFORM.
LUKE
Cmon Fakhri Ive known you most your
life, I know when you hold back
information. Mitchells your husband,
youre protecting him. Theres a
mystery here and I want to get to the
bottom of it.
FAKHRI
Why dont you just ask him?
LUKE
I did. I get nothing. Just a dead tree
trunk between me and the truth?
FAKHRI
What could that possibly mean?
BURT
Its American. You wouldnt
understand.
CAROL COMES FROM BEHIND THE BAR WITH A BARMAIDS UNIFORM ON.
CAROL
This is the tree at your place that
you went to the city about last week?
 14.

LUKE
The tree Im bringing down. The tree
on my land.
FAKHRI
Did you fill out the forms yet?
LUKE
I applied but Im not waiting. The
whole thing is just a joke. Anyways
stop changing the subject.
BURT
Yeah that may work over there in Ali-
Baba- ville, but it doesnt fly here.
MOLLY WALKS UP. A BARMAID UNIFORM AND A TRAY IN HER HANDS.
MOLLY
Let me guess, Theyre pounding her
about Mitchells alleged employment?
CAROL
Yeah and shes good too, not giving an
inch which is driving them crazy.
LUKE
Fine Ill just have Burt continue
following him. ... What Fak??
Flashbacks of the Shahs secret
police?
FAKHRI
How many times do I have to tell you I
moved here when I was two and the Shah
had been gone for years?
 15.

CAROL
(Off Burts blank stare) Obviously
gonna have to hit that one a couple
more times.
FAKHRI
I can hit it a thousand times. He
still wont hear it.
BURT
(ignores them) Hes been at the Home
Depot a lot lately Fakhri. Buying
stuff.. ammonia, weird oils... buckets
and things..
LUKE
..Fakhri, if you have my best friend
since third grade building some kind
of a nuclear device..
FAKHRI
(finally) Hes happy! All right?? For
the first time in a long time. Hes
alive and fulfilled and believe it or
not, hes been drinking less. This
whole thing hes going through could
actually be transformational...
So...please, let it be, all of you!!
SILENCE. THE GROUP IS STUNNED.
 16.

LUKE
Ill give you the benefit of the doubt
on the whole transformational thing,
he may even be happy, but theres no
way in hell Mitchells drinking less.
GENERAL AGREEMENT. NOT A SHOT IN HELL.
ACT TWO SCENE C
INT. LUKES KITCHEN - DAY
(DAVE, LUKE)
LUKE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE. READING A MAGAZINE. DAVE, WALKS
IN THE BACK DOOR. PICKS UP LUKES MAGAZINE.
DAVE
Entrepreneur monthly. Had a friend
who read this when I was at Buick.
Read it on the crapper during lunch
break. Filled himself with a head full
of hope. Quit the factory, raised
money, opened a chain of Burger Kings.
LUKE
All right, well, thats a good story.
DAVE
Then he flushed the toilet came back
out and screwed ashtrays into Regals
til they closed down the plant. May
well as been reading Playboy in there.
Know what I mean?
LUKE
...So, you still mad at me?
 17.

DAVE
Not me so much.. Its more mom. She
hates your guts. Watch your back.
LUKE
You know dad, I did buy the house two
years ago. ...I had this odd notion
that at some point youd move out!
DAVE
Have you read a paper lately? Theres
nowhere to go.
LUKE
Okay...well, turns out I do have
somewhere to go, its called work.
(Dave sneers) Dont do that...
QUICK POP UPS; EACH SHOW FIVE MALL KIOSKS; ALL STAFFED BY
CUTE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS. BUTANE BOX CELL PHONE CUPBOARD
SWEATER CITY HAT HEAVEN ETC. ETC...EACH DISC HAS THE
GIRLS LOOKING INTO CAMERA AND GIGGLING.
LUKE (CONTD)
Its a job running five kiosks at that
mall. Its a business. It makes me my
own man. Not a puppet to a company. To
a city.
DAVE
Just like that lawn mowing service you
were gonna start till you figured out
the grass only grows half the damn
year.
 18.

LUKE
Okay so it had flaws as a business
plan. I spotted them, and I moved on
and now I got a better job.
DAVE
How could it be a job when you never
leave the house? Dont even have a
home office like all the other
phonies do.
LUKE
(Holds up HIS BLACKBERRY) I dont need
an office. I have this.
DAVE LOOKS AT IT LIKE ITS AN ALIEN LIFE FORCE.
DAVE
Saw that thing on the news. Supposed
to melt your brain or something. I
think its working.
LUKE
You know what dad, have a little faith
in me. Its not advertising, not car
commercials, not cushy like I was
planning on, but Im eeking out a
living, got two grand socked away,
lets not forget, Im the one paying
the bills here.
DAVE
Dont you start.
 19.

LUKE
Im the one that pays all the taxes!
DAVE
I said dont start!
LUKE
(stands) Im tearing that tree down!
DAVE
(toe to toe) The hell you are!
LUKE
Its gone. Its out of here!
DAVE
Im warning you Luke! That tree stays
right where it is! You dont want to
deal with the city I warn you.
LUKE
Oh Im done dealing with the city.
DAVE
Have some faith in me damn it. You
dont want to start this all up with
them again.
LUKE
Yeah? Well..guess whos name this
house is under? ..Mine. Lukes house.
Lukes tree. Luke the idiot dreamer
with the kiosks at the mall, this is
all his...(arms spread wide) This is
all... Luketown....Lukeyland.
DAVE LOOKS AT HIM. LOSE HIS BLUSTER.
 20.

DAVE
...in that case Ill just grab a
couple of beers for the road home. Up
the steps to retard-ville.
WITHOUT WAITING FOR AN ANSWER HE TAKES A SIX PACK FROM THE
FRIDGE. LEAVES. LUKE WANTS TO CHASE AFTER, BUT DOESNT.
WALKS OVER BOLTS THE BACK DOOR SHUT. THATLL TEACH HIM. ..THE
SIDE DOOR OF THE LIVING ROOM OPENS. DAVE WALKS BACK IN. OPENS
UP A CUPBOARD. GRABS A BAG OF CHIPS. SALUTES. LEAVES.
ACT THREE
ACT THREE SCENE A

EXT. LUKES PORCH - LATE AFTERNOON

(MOLLY, BURT, LUKE, FAKHRI, CAROL)
LUKE, BURT, AND BURT ARE ON THE PORCH. DRINKING BEERS.
...CONTEMPLATING.
MOLLY
What makes you think you can get away
with tearing it down without a permit
when your father couldnt?
BURT
Hes smarter than his dad. Something
most men dont like to admit, but we
do, we get smarter.
LUKE
Each generation picks up more. The son
exceeds the father in knowledge and
understanding.
BURT
..It makes sense. Thats why the
worlds getting so much better.
 21.

THEY ALL SILENTLY AGREE. SIP THEIR BEERS. FAKHRI COMES OUT OF
THE HOUSE. (IN HER NURSES UNIFORM AGAIN.)
MOLLY
Is she out?
FAKHRI
Still as a bird on a calm early ocean.
LUKE
(to Burt) Iranian proverb?
BURT
Either that or shes got what your
Aunt Ellen had.
MOLLY
Okay guys, the baby is asleep in there
so you need to keep it quiet.
FAKHRI
Thank you for doing this Molly. I was
lucky to get an additional shift.
LUKE
...Why cant Mitchell watch the kid?
Or is he off on his hush-hush mission
that you dont want to talk about?
FAKHRI
(Laughs) I have to get to the
hospital. Thanks again Molly, I
worship the very ground you walk on...
(gives her a kiss)
BURT
(to Luke) Another proverb?
 22.

LUKE
Who knows, I just like it when they
kiss.
BURT AGREES. FAKHRI LEAVES. CAROL COMES UP FROM THE SIDE THE
HOUSE. OUT OF BREATH. LIMPING.
LUKE (CONTD)
You come in through the backyards?
BURT
I showed her the route.
SIDE SCREEN BOXES; BACKYARD CAROL COMES OVER THE FENCE,
DOESNT MAKE IT, LANDS ON HER CROTCH, FALLS TO THE GROUND.
CAROL
..Whats going on? I feel tension.
MOLLY
Lukes worked up about the tree.
CAROL
He wouldnt be Luke if he wasnt. (to
Molly) Can we talk? Inside? Privately?
BURT
The rich guy dumping you?
LUKE
This months rich guy. Owns a Diary
Queen this one.
CAROL
Maybe Im dumping him.
LUKE
How many messages did you leave for
him in the last twenty four hours?
...The truth.
 23.

CAROL
(Embarrassed) Seven. I need him to
call me back so I can tell how..
almost.. close to over we are.
LUKE
(Fist up for a knuckle-bump) Way to
mind-meld a man.
CAROL IGNORES HIM, FOLLOWS MOLLY INSIDE. BURT TURNS TO LUKE.
BURT
I wish I was good with people the way
Carol is. No offense but Id probably
still be married to Molly if I were.
LUKE
Next time do me a solid and keep it
all together.
ACT THREE - SCENE C
INT. BOWLING ALLEY BAR
(CAROL, MITCHELL, MOLLY, LUKE, BURT)
MITCHELL UP AT THE BAR WITH CAROL. MITCHELL IS CLEANED UP
HERE. CLEAN SHAVEN. DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE SAW EARLIER.
(STILL SULKING THOUGH. HES MITCHELL.)
CAROL
Word is you have a job.
MITCHELL
I heard that rumor myself. I hope Im
making good money.
 24.

CAROL
Someone better be. Least you didnt
get out of U of M with a four-point
only to tend bar at a bowling alley.
MITCHELL
(Darkly sarcastic) Yeah. Lucky me. Im
not you.
MOLLY COMES OVER FROM BEHIND THE BAR.
MOLLY
Diet coke Mitch. Proud of you by the
way. Not drinking.
LUKE AND BURT COME IN. LUKE SLINKS ONTO A STOOL.
MITCHELL
Still the tree?
LUKE
... What ever happened to personal
liberty? Ethan Allen and all that
garbage? ...This is the end of days.
MITCHELL
..Okay (checks his watch) I better go.
LUKE
Go WHERE MAN?? Talk to me. What
happened to the good old negative,
hateful Mitchell? Im giving you good
stuff to chew on here. Good, dreary,
negative, dank, thoughts.
 25.

CAROL
I was feeding him too, earlier.
Couldnt get him to bite on a thing.
LUKE
Where are you off to man??
MITCHELL WANTS TO TELL THEM WHAT HES UP TO. CANT BRING
HIMSELF TO IT. LEAVES. LUKE STANDS UP. TRIES TO CALM HIMSELF.
CANT. ITS ALL TOO MUCH FOR HIM. LUKE TURNS TO THE LADIES.
CAROL
Were not even close to interested.
LUKE
...Well I am.. Im interested.
CAROL
Of course you are. Youre an ape. A
rock fell from a tree. Hit you on the
head. Youre confused.
BURT
I dont get that.
LUKE
(to Burt) Cmon, were gonna follow
him. Thats all there is to it.
LUKE LEAVES. BURT FOLLOWS HIM. THE LADIES WATCH THEM GO.
CAROL
What do you do when he gets in one of
these crazy moods?
MOLLY
Well, if its convenient...I go down
on him.. that sometimes helps.
 26.

CAROL
And if its not convenient?
MOLLY
...I start making plans on how Ill
post bail.
ACT FOUR
ACT FOUR SCENE A

EXT. BLOOMFIELD HILLS MANSION - DAY

(BURT, LUKE)
LUKE AND BURT PARK THE CAR ACROSS THE STREET FROM A LARGE,
EXPENSIVE HOME. GET OUT. WALK ACROSS THE YARD.
BURT
This is the nicest house Ive ever
seen.
LUKE
Did you see he had a key to the front
door? This is getting creepy?
BURT
Could Mitchell possibly be leading a
second life?
LUKE
Hes barely muddling through the first
one.
THEY GET TO THE WINDOW, SQUEEZE INTO THE BUSHES. PEER INSIDE
AND SEE; MITCHELL; VACUUMING A FLOOR. THEYRE BLOWN AWAY.
LUKE (CONTD)
What the hell? Hes working??...
 27.

THEY GET REAL QUIET AS THEY SEE AN OLDER, ELEGANT WOMAN IN

HER SEVENTIES COME IN AND GIVE MITCHELL SOME DIRECTION ON HIS
VACUUMING. HE LISTENS. SHE LEAVES THE ROOM. MITCHELL
CONTINUES VACUMMING.
BURT
Maybe shes running one of those
M.I.L.F. websites and hes working off
free membership.
ACT FOUR- SCENE B
EXT. BLOOMFIELD HILLS MANSION - LATER
(MITCHELL, BURT, LUKE)
LUKE AND BURT WAIT IN THE BUSHES AS THE OLDER LADY DRIVES
AWAY IN A NEW CADILLAC. ONCE SHES GONE, THEY RUN THROUGH TO
THE BACKYARD, GO UP ONTO A BACK STOOP, PEER INTO THE WINDOW
AND SEE; MITCHELL ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES SCRUBBING THE FLOOR.
THEY ARE TRULY BLOWN AWAY. LUKE KNOCKS. MITCHELL LOOKS UP.
SEES THEM. HE TURNS BRIGHT RED. ISNT SURE WHAT TO DO.
FINALLY GETS UP. COMES TO THE DOOR.
MITCHELL
Why are you here?
BURT
Why are you here? Are you a prisoner?
MITCHELL
(reluctantly) This is my job.
LUKE
No, really, whats the scam?
MITCHELL
There is no scam. I was at the grocery
store for Fakhri a few months back.
She wanted some Arab type soup I had
to come way up here to get it. I
overheard Mrs. Berman, at the next
counter.
 28.

SIDE SCREEN BOXES; INSIDE A GROCERY STORE. MITCHELL IS

LISTENING TO THE OLDER RICH WOMAN TALK TO THE CHECKOUT LADY.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
She was going on and on in a typical
Republican tirade how she couldnt
find good help. A good maid.
OUTSIDE THE STORE. MITCHELL COMES UP TO MRS. BERMANS CAR.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
I got in her face. Walked right up and
told her I could do the job.
LUKE
You lied. Typical Democratic tirade.
MITCHELL
The words just came out of my mouth.
She took a shot with me.
INSIDE THE MANSION VARIOUS QUICK SHOTS; MITCHELL, CLEANING,
SCRUBBING, FOLDING, POLISHING.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Shes gone most days all day. Its
just me, alone with my soaps. No
people, just me.. alone.. Its heaven.
MITCHELL IRONS AS HE WATCHES ALL MY CHILDREN. HES REALLY
SUCKED IN. MORE CLEANING. POLISHING.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
I leave here at the end of the day and
this place is spotless. I mean it.
Its perfect and when it is, its odd,
but I feel clean myself.
 29.

LUKE
This is insane. Whats the angle
Mitchell?? I know you too damn well.
MITCHELL
Yeah? You think so, but maybe you
dont.
HE WALKS OVER TO A BRASS HOOD ABOVE A STOVE.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
This morning, I came in, I dont know,
someone cooked bacon.. there was
grease, a film on this thing..it was
god awful.. I worked all morning,
here, in the quiet.. Sun came up...
birds were chirping in the yard...Look
at it now. Its shiny like a virgin
babys bottom?
LUKE
As opposed to non-virgin baby? A
slut baby? Its a whack analogy...
Youre losing it... this is not you.
MITCHELL
It is me damn it!!.. Not just anyone
couldve done what I did to this
stove! I gave it new life! I was
patient, I was... pure in my intent.
Dont you get that man?? Its huge!
(calms) ....I have to go. I have a du-
vet in the dryer.
 30.

HE SLAMS THE DOOR. LUKE AND BURT ARE BLOWN AWAY.

BURT
Who was that we were just talking to?
LUKE
And what the hell is a du-vet?

ACT FIVE
ACT FIVE SCENE A
EXT. LUKES PORCH - DAY
(BURT, LUKE, MOLLY, CAROL, FAKHRI, MITCHELL)
LUKE, MOLLY, AND CAROL AND FAHKRI ARE ON THE FRONT PORCH,
LOOKING OUT TO THE TREE. BURT AND MITCHELL ARE COMING FROM
THE BACK BOTH CARRYING AN END OF A GIANT CHEST OF TOOLS.
BURT
Youre dads got a serious tool chest.
LUKE
Of course he does, hes man with all
of the answers.
MOLLY
Luke, I think this is a bad idea just
chopping that tree down like this.
Youre gonna get a fine.
LUKE
No, Burts right, that wood is worth a
fortune. Itll more than pay any
stupid fine they throw at me.. Hey,
its MY house!!
HE LOOKS OVER AT HER. CAN FEEL SHES HURT BY THAT COMMENT.
 31.

LUKE (CONT'D)
Our house. Its our house...our house.
MOLLY
Thank you.
LUKE
I need you to back me here Molly. I
need to make a statement to my father.
To the city. To the universe.
CAROL
Oh thats not good. All the big nut
jobs always want to make a statement
to the universe.
MOLLY KNOWS LUKE IS SERIOUS. GIVES HIM A KISS.
MOLLY
Okay, fine, Ill back you... But if we
do this, if were truly blowing the
law off, theres an old lady at work
that I want you to kill with me.
CAROL
And I want to firebomb a Dairy queen.
FAKHRI
And Im not sure, but I may want you
to bitch-slap Mitchell.
BURT OPENS THE TOOL CHEST. AN AX. LUKE COMES OFF OF THE
PORCH. TAKES THE AX. GIGGLES.
 32.

LUKE
Time to show Big Dave whos the
boss.... Sorry tree, nothing personal,
theres just a new sheriff in town.
MITCHELL
Either that or a new village idiot.
LUKE
Well, at least I let my friends in on
my life.
MITCHELL
Yeah, sure, against their will.
LUKE IGNORES THE COMMENT, GOES TO THE TREE TAKES A WIDE
VIOLENT SWING OF THE AX AT THE SIDE OF THE TRUNK. THE AX GOES
DEEP. LUKE TRIES TO PULL IT OUT. HE CANT. ITS STUCK.
LUKE
...little help...
MITCHELL AND BURT COME OVER. THEY ALL TRY TO GET THE AX OUT.
NO LUCK. ITS GOOD AND STUCK. JAMMED. LUKE GOES OVER TO THE
TOOL BOX. PULLS OUT AN OLD SAW. LAUGHS.
LUKE (CONTD)
Trusty old saw. Saws like these built
the first small towns of America.
GOES TO THE TREE. STARTS TO SAW INTO ITS SIDE. HE STOPS.
ITS STUCK. OUT OF NOWHERE. HE CANT MOVE IT. STEPS BACK. IT
JUST SITS THERE STICKING OUT OF THE TREE, JUST ABOVE THE AX.
MOLLY
Must have had a lot of spare saws back
then.
MITCHELL AND BURT BOTH TRY. NOTHING. MITCHELL GOES TO THE
BOX. PULLS OUT A CROWBAR. RUNS TO THE TREE, JAMS IT IN. IT
WEDGES DEEP... THEN.. ITS STUCK TOO. WONT BUDGE. JUST
HANGING THERE WITH THE OTHER TOOLS.
 33.

BURT GRABS AN ICE PICK, ATTACKS THE TREE, DIGS IT IN DEEP.

AGAIN, ITS STUCK. THEY ALL STEP BACK. SEE ALL THE TOOLS
HANGING OFF OF THE TREE.
MITCHELL
This tree is a serious little bitch!!
LUKE
Who do we know with a power saw?
MITCHELL
Wait.. My boss has a power saw! I saw
it in her garage. Its either that or
a major league vibrator.
POP-UP.. MRS. BERMAN HOLDING UP A POWER SAW IN HER BACK YARD.
CAROL
What does it say about our society
when the manliest man we know is an
old Republican women with a Black and
Decker vibrator?
ACT FIVE SCENE B
EXT. LUKES HOUSE - NIGHT
(MITCHELL, MRS. BERMAN, LUKE, BURT, FAKHRI)
THE TREE IS GONE. THE WOOD STACKED IN PILES. MOLLY, CAROL AND
DONNA ARE SWEEPING UP THE SAWDUST. MRS. BERMAN, WITH GOGGLES
ON, IS PUTTING HER GIANT POWER SAW AWAY IN ITS CASE.
MITCHELL
Thank you for doing this Mrs. Berman.
MRS. BERMAN
No problem. Ill just skip pilates
this week. Anyway, dead wood like that
is nice and soft.
 34.

LUKE
Yeah well, were still gonna make a
small fortune selling it.
MRS. BERMAN
Fiddlesticks. My husband was in
lumber. Dead woods not worth a penny.
BURT
(to Luke) I couldve told you that.
MRS. BERMAN TAKES OFF HER GOGGLES, CLOSES THE CASE UP.
MRS. BERMAN
...Nine oclock Monday morning
Mitchell. Want to pull the drapes down
for a spring clean.
MITCHELL LOOKS AT LUKE. BEGS HIM NOT TO MAKE A JOKE. MAKES A
HIDDEN FIST. LUKE GETS IT.
MITCHELL
Yes... mam.. Bright and early.
THE WHOLE GROUP DOES THEIR BEST TO BITE THEIR TONGUES. NOT
BURST OUT LAUGHING. MRS.BERMAN HEADS DOWN TO THE STREET. THEY
WATCH HER GO.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
....did her parquet floors yesterday,
came home, felt wonderful, slept like
a baby.
FAKHRI
How is it then that I cant get you to
pick up your underwear?
 35.

ACT FIVE SCENE C

EXT. LUKES HOUSE/PORCH- NIGHT
(CAROL, FAKHRI, BURT, LUKE, DAVE)
THE WHOLE GANG ON THE PORCH, UNDER THE MOONLIGHT. DRINKING
BEERS. RELAXED. REFRESHED. TOGETHER.
CAROL
...That was a lot of work today.
It felt nice.
FAKHRI
Hard work as a life goal is
fundamentally soul enriching.
BURT
Shes like an Iranian fortune cookie
this one.
LUKE LOOKS OUT TO THE STREET, CALMLY REFLECTS
LUKE
Well my goal is to not work too hard.
To work clean, to be creative, to come
up with a system to do just enough to
pay my bills and enjoy my life...
FAKHRI
...My goal is to be a fine nurse, to
serve the people that cross my path,
to live the American dream, and of
course not to let my husbands hate
and stink rub off of me in any
tangible way...
THE GROUP AGREES THAT THATS A GREAT GOAL.
 36.

CAROL
..I dont need the guy, or the job the
truth is I just want to be happy...
GENERAL AGREEMENT; PERFECT GOAL. ALL THAT MATTERS
BURT
...my goal is to surf less porn.
LUKE
Good goal. Probably not doable.
EVERYONE AGREES. NOT AT ALL DOABLE. THEY SIT QUIETLY ON THE
PORCH, SIP THEIR BEERS. STARE OUT TO THE STREET. DAVE AND
DONNA WALK UP THE DRIVE. STOP AT THE SPOT WHERE THE TREE ONCE
STOOD. DAVE TAKES A BEAT. LOOKS AT THE STUMP. THEY COME UP
ONTO THE PORCH, DAVE GOES OVER TO LUKE.
DAVE
I have to say Im proud of you Luke.
Youre your own man. Answer to your
own rules. Exactly the kind of boy I
always wanted you to be.
LUKE
Listen dad, Im sorry if Ive been..
DAVE
No.. No. No... Youve been fine....
PULLS HIM FOR A HUG. GIVES LUKE A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD.
LUKE
... Who was that you were talking to
down at the curb? I couldnt see.
POP UP; DAVE TALKING TO THE CITY DWEEB AT HIS CAR.
DAVE
...ahhh man from the city. I went down
years ago and applied.

(MORE)
 37.

DAVE (CONT'D)
Once I was in the system they slapped
me a fine for having a dead tree. I
didnt pay. Fines been accruing all
this time. He just wanted to check
whos name the house is under for this
invoice.
DAVE HANDS LUKE AN ENVELOPE. LUKE OPENS THE ENVELOPE.
LUKE
...Two thousand dollars??
DAVE
By the way, were moving back inside
in the morning. Every night we spend
up in that garage your mother looks
more and more like her crazy cousin
Ellen.
POP-UP; DONNA, LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA. CRAZY HAIR, WILD
TEETH, TRULY DOES LOOK LIKE NUTTY COUSIN ELLEN.
DAVE (CONTD)
You can have the master bedroom. Its
yours... take it and run with it..
(to the gang) Need all hands on deck
bright and early moving furniture.
BURT
But Im handicapped!
THE POP-UP OF HIS FINGERTIP APPEARS AGAIN.
DAVE
Were all handicapped little guy. From
here on in, the jokes on us.
 38.

DAVE AND DONNA HEAD INTO THE HOUSE.

LUKE
...My father is either really deep, or
hes really stupid.
CAROL
He could be both. (Smiles) You are.
LUKE LOOKS AT HIS FRIENDS. AT THE INVOICE. AT MOLLY. LOOKS
OVER AT THE STUMP THAT USED TO BE THE DEAD TREE.
LUKE
Want to know the sad part? ...I think
I miss the tree.
EVERYONE AGREES. THEY ALL MISS THE TREE. MORE BEER.
.......CREDITS ROLL.