92% found this document useful (13 votes)
6K views50 pages

EmotionalIntelligence PDF

This document discusses the concept of emotional intelligence. It describes emotional intelligence as being aware of and able to regulate one's own emotions and understand the emotions of others. The document outlines four pillars of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills. Self-awareness involves paying attention to one's thoughts, attitudes, and physical sensations related to different emotions. Self-regulation is about responding constructively to emotions using various strategies. Empathy is understanding others' perspectives and emotions. Social skills refer to effectively responding to others' emotions to build strong relationships.

Uploaded by

Sabahat Bokhari
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
92% found this document useful (13 votes)
6K views50 pages

EmotionalIntelligence PDF

This document discusses the concept of emotional intelligence. It describes emotional intelligence as being aware of and able to regulate one's own emotions and understand the emotions of others. The document outlines four pillars of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills. Self-awareness involves paying attention to one's thoughts, attitudes, and physical sensations related to different emotions. Self-regulation is about responding constructively to emotions using various strategies. Empathy is understanding others' perspectives and emotions. Social skills refer to effectively responding to others' emotions to build strong relationships.

Uploaded by

Sabahat Bokhari
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
You are on page 1/ 50

The Emotional

Intelligence Toolkit
Steven Handel
Introduction
Usually when we think of “intelligence” we associate it
with things like logic, math, and science. However,
according to psychologists such as Daniel Goleman,
“emotional intelligence” (EQ) is another aspect of
intelligence that is often over-looked.

The basic view of emotional intelligence is that emotions


aren’t necessarily the opposite of thinking, but a different
way of thinking about different types of problems that
exist in our world.

In other words, emotions can be a very valuable tool in


guiding our choices and decision-making.

In light of his theory of evolution, Charles Darwin


theorized that our minds have evolved to experience
emotions so that we can better adapt to our environment.

For example, we’ve evolved to experience a “negative”


emotion such as fear so that we can better respond to a
situation that is bad for survival. In this case, fear is an
emotion that motivates us to avoid something when we
are in danger.

On the other hand, a “positive” emotion, such as joy, can


signal to us that a situation is good for survival. In this
case, joy is an emotion that motivates you to seek more
of something.

This is a very basic and rudimentary analysis – and it


doesn’t come anywhere near describing the complexities
of our emotional world (as well as social world) – but it
gives you an idea on how different emotions can guide
our behaviors in different ways.

Emotional intelligence is about being more aware of our


emotions and what they are signaling to us.

Below you’ll find descriptions of the 4 fundamental pillars


that make up emotional intelligence as a whole and how
you can apply them to your daily life.

1. Self-Awareness

The first pillar of emotional intelligence is paying attention


to your own emotions.

Emotions often come in two main parts: 1) The


psychological component – the thoughts, attitudes, and
beliefs that underlie most of our emotions, and 2) The
physical component – the bodily sensations that often
accompany different emotional states.

For example, an emotion such as nervousness may be a


mixture of certain thoughts (“I’m not good at this” or “I’m
scared I’m going to make a mistake”) and certain
sensations in our bodies (a fluttery feeling in our stomach,
ie “I have butterflies in my stomach”).

Sometimes just being more aware of our emotional states


(and all their components) is enough to manage them
better. In one recent study, they found simply labeling
negative emotions can help you overcome them.

The next time you’re feeling a really strong emotion, try


stepping back and just observing that emotion as it is.
Ask yourself, “What am I feeling? What am I thinking?
What physical sensations am I experiencing with this
emotion?”

A little honest reflection of your emotions can really help


you understand yourself better and how your mind really
works.

2. Self-Regulation

Once you are more aware of your emotions, the next


pillar of emotional intelligence is learning how to respond
to them better.

Depending on the situation, there are many different


strategies we can use to better regulate our emotions.
Some of these strategies include:
● Channeling an emotion in a new and constructive
way, such as through exercising, writing, or
painting.
● Avoiding triggers – such as certain people,
situations, or environments – that are more likely to
bring out a negative emotion.
● Seeking positive experiences to reverse negative
ruts (such as watching a comedy movie when we
are feeling down, or listening to motivating music
when we are lazy).
● Turning emotions around by doing the opposite of
what you feel.
● Sitting and watching emotions as a passive
observer, instead of acting on them impulsively.

These are all strategies available to us to help us regulate


our emotions better on an everyday basis.

Think of “emotional intelligence” as a kind of toolkit.


There are many different ways to respond to a particular
emotion, and not every tool is going to work depending
on what the situation is.

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the better


you will be at deciding what is the best way to respond to
an emotion. But that’s going to take steady practice and
awareness.
3. Empathy

Understanding your own emotions is half of emotional


intelligence, the other half is understanding the emotions
of others.

As we improve “self-awareness,” we also improve “other-


awareness.” We learn that there is sometimes a difference
between our own thoughts and feelings and the thoughts
and feelings of others.

Empathy is our ability to see things from another person’s


perspective – and to take into account their individual
thoughts and feelings about an experience.

This venn diagram shows the relationship between “self-


awareness” and “other-awareness” and how the area
where they overlap is where we experience empathy:
Of course, we can never understand another person’s
mind completely, but we can actively learn about a
person’s inner thoughts and feelings by paying attention
to what they are communicating verbally and nonverbally.

Empathy is a kind of “mind-reading,” but it’s based on


making inferences about people’s internal worlds based
on their external actions.

Another powerful tool for improving empathy is


perspective taking. This is a mental exercise where you
literally imagine yourself experiencing a situation from
another person’s perspective to better understand them.

Be more willing to ask yourself, “What is this person


thinking? What is this person feeling? Why is this person
acting in the way they do?” These types of questions will
be a great starting point in building more empathy in your
daily relationships.

4. Social Skills

Once you understand the emotions of yourself and


others, the next question is “How do I respond to other
people’s emotions?” This is where social skills comes in as
the last pillar of emotional intelligence.

First, understand that a lot of our emotional world has a


social component to it. For example, emotions such as
love, guilt, rejection, and embarrassment are almost
strictly social emotions (they rarely exist outside the
context of our relationships with others).

To build healthy relationships it’s therefore important that


we are attuned to other people’s emotions, especially
how they respond to our own actions and speech.

If your actions cause negative emotions in other people,


then that can hurt a relationship and your ability to
connect with others in a meaningful way.

Cultivating positive emotions – like joy, optimism,


excitement, and humor – is key toward bonding with
others in a strong and lasting way.

Have you ever walked into a room of people who are


really depressed or stressed out, and you immediately
begin to feel depressed and stressed too? This is an
example of emotional contagion, which is the idea that
our emotions can often spread to others like a virus.

In the same way that other people’s emotions affect us,


our emotions affect other people. So if you walk around
life with a generally positive attitude, that is going to rub
off on those you interact with (but you have to first have
your own mind in order).

The social skills aspect of emotional intelligence is about


becoming an “emotional leader” of sorts. But you need
to practice turning negative people around by first being
positive in yourself.
1. Acceptance
Acceptance of our emotions is one of the first tools to
emotional intelligence.

This means just taking a step back and being aware of


what we are thinking and feeling in any given moment.
After all, we can’t respond to our emotions in an effective
way if we aren’t first aware of them and willing to
acknowledge them.

A new study published in the journal Psychological


Science has found that accepting your negative emotions
as you experience them can actually help you overcome
them.

Researchers at UCLA recruited 88 participants who all had


a fear of spiders. The aim of the study was to test which
“emotional regulation” strategies were most effective in
overcoming this fear.

In the first part of the experiment, everyone was


instructed to walk closer and closer to a live tarantula in
an open container and eventually touch it if they could.

Each individual’s fear response was measured based on


how close the participant could get to the spider, their
reported level of distress, and physiological responses
such as how much the person’s hands were sweating
(which is usually a sign of fear and anxiety).

The participants were then divided into 4 separate


groups. Each group was seated in front of a tarantula in a
closed container and instructed to do the following:

● Group A: Subjects were asked to describe the


emotions they were experiencing and to label their
reactions to the tarantula. For example: “I’m
anxious and frightened by the ugly, terrifying
spider.”

● Group B: Subjects were asked to use neutral terms


that did not convey their fear and were aimed at
making the experience seem less threatening. For
example: “That little spider can’t hurt me; I’m not
afraid of it.”

● Group C: Subjects were asked to say something


that wasn’t relevant to the spider.

● Group D: Subjects were not asked to say anything.


They were just exposed to the spider.

After this session, each participant was again asked to


approach the tarantula in an open container, and their
fear response was measured a second time.
Surprisingly, it was found that Group A significantly
outperformed all other groups in overcoming their fear.
Individuals who labeled and described their emotions
were more likely to get closer to the spider than the other
three groups. They also showed less physiological
responses, such as less sweat.

In addition, psychologists analyzed the words people


used to describe their fear – they found that those who
used a larger number of negative words tended to face
their fears better.

Michelle Craske, a professor of psychology at UCLA and


the senior author of the study says:

“The implication [of this research] is to encourage


patients to label the emotional responses they are
experiencing and label the characteristics of the stimuli —
to verbalize their feelings. That lets people experience the
very things they are afraid and say, ‘I feel scared and I’m
here.’ They’re not trying to push it away and say it’s not
so bad. Be in the moment and allow yourself to
experience whatever you’re experiencing.“
experiencing.

I’ve long advocated that self-improvement requires that


you become more honest with yourself and give yourself
permission to experience both the “good” and “bad” in
your life.
This includes accepting your thoughts and emotions when
they happen, whatever they may be - and not avoiding
them or running away. Only then can we begin to
understand ourselves better and grow as individuals.

Just Sit and Observe

Practice taking 10-15 minutes and just sitting and


observing your emotions exactly as they are - without
trying to change them, analyze them, or even do anything
about them.

Sit back and watch your emotions as if you were watching


a short movie.

Your mind can be like a child sometimes trying to get


your attention. The more you ignore it, the louder it yells
and screams. Sometimes, your emotions just want your
attention. And once you accept and acknowledge them,
they have fulfilled their purpose and are no longer
needed.

When you accept your emotions, you are often much


more capable of finally letting them go. Be comfortable
actively engaging with your emotions, not suppressing
them or avoiding them or pretending they don’t exist or
don’t matter.

Also recognize you don’t always have to act on your


emotions to change them. Your emotions change
naturally and without effort. They are constantly flowing
from one to the next. If you sit and observe your emotions
long enough, you’ll find that no single emotion is
permanent.

This insight in itself can be tremendously powerful in


becoming a more emotionally intelligent person.
2. Question Your Feelings
One of the main pillars of emotional intelligence is self-
awareness. This is the process of better understanding
your feelings through self-observation and self-inquiry.

The first tool we learned was “Acceptance,” now we


move on the use of “Questioning” our emotions.

This requires that we look at our emotions from an


objective viewpoint, and then be honest about what’s
causing them and how they are influencing our actions.

Emotions guide human behavior. They are a type of


knowledge, but they are often fast, intuitive, and
impulsive reactions to our environment, and thus they can
be prone to error.

Due to this, your feelings can be misleading if you always


react to them without question. In certain times, it’s a
good idea to step back and question your feelings before
you choose the best way to respond to them.

In a study published in the Motivation and Emotion, it was


found that a bad mood (caused by listening to angry
music) led individuals to more likely judge someone as
wrong.
This is a perfect example of the pervasive influence of
emotions and why we should question our feelings.

You might be in a bad mood for some random reason –


maybe you got stuck in traffic or spilled coffee on your
shirt – but then that mood will negatively influence your
impression of someone.

Rationally, you know the two things have nothing to do


with each other, but your brain still unconsciously makes
the connection between your current feelings and the
other person.

When you better understanding your feelings and where


they come from, you avoid making this mistake so easily.

Here’s a guideline on how you to question your feelings.


Ask yourself:

● What am I feeling? Don’t just say you feel “good”


or “bad” – be specific. Is it “sadness” or “anger”
or “disappointment?” Try your best to find one or
two words that best describe your feeling.

● When did I first notice this feeling? How long has


the feeling been going on for? Did you just begin
feeling it, or has it been looming around for
awhile?
● What’s the primary cause of this feeling? Try to
think of what event in your life caused you to feel
this way. Is there something that happened that
stands out?

● What are possible secondary causes


causes of this feeling?
What are some other factors that may be
contributing to this emotion? Are there multiple
“little things” that may have built up throughout
the day?

● Am I tired or stressed? Often times general stress


and fatigue can amplify our emotions. For
example, this study found that sleepless nights are
more likely to lead to anger and arguments among
couples.

● How should I respond to this feeling? What’s the


best course of action to take in response to this
emotion? Should you talk to someone, listen to
music, go for a walk, or do something productive?

● Should I just wait for this feeling to pass? Just


because you feel something doesn’t mean you
need to act on it. Sometimes it’s better to just
“ride out” an emotion until it subsides. Our
feelings are only temporary, they don’t last forever.
Individuals with more connections between the “thinking”
and “feeling” parts of their brain often have more
emotional intelligence.

This is because our ability to think about our feelings


helps create a buffer between our emotions and
responses, so that we don’t just act impulsively all of the
time.

Just the simple act of thinking and questioning our


feelings helps detach ourselves from the “heat of the
moment.” The more you question your feelings, the more
you can control them rather than let them control you.

And by truly listening to your emotions and seeking to


understand them, you also learn how to better respond to
them. It’s incredibly difficult to respond to an emotion if
you don’t know why you feel that way or what’s the
underlying cause.
3. Build a Positive Social Circle
Our emotions are often influenced by the people we are
around more than anything else.

It’s simple - if you hang around positive and optimistic


people, you’re going to adopt a more positive and
optimistic mindset. But if you hang around negative and
miserable people, you’re going to adopt a more negative
and miserable mindset.

As I mentioned before, emotions are very contagious. In


fact, this not only applies to people we surround
ourselves with in the “real world,” but also in our “online
worlds” as well.

For example, in one study it was discovered that


emotions can also spread throughout our online social
networks, such as Facebook. So if you’re getting a lot of
negative news popping up in your Facebook feed, your
mood and emotions are being negatively influenced by
that.

This same effect likely applies to Twitter, Tumblr,


Instagram, Reddit, and virtually any other social website
or online forum.

If you’re interested in learning more about just how much


of an influence your social circle can have on you, check
out this incredibly insightful video by sociologist Nicholas
Christakis.

Think about the people you tend to be around in both


your “real” and “online” social circles. What kind of
impact are they having on your emotional health? Are
they a positive influence or a negative one?

Finding New Positive People

An important step in becoming more emotionally


intelligent is to begin to surround yourself with other
emotionally intelligent people. This can often mean
seeking new positive people to interact with - and
minimizing time spent with negative people.

Of course, this is not always easy. There are likely family,


friends, coworkers, and others who you can’t possibly
avoid entirely. But regardless, you have to try your best to
make time with people who have a positive influence on
you.

There are plenty of ways to find new and people to add


to your social circle, no matter what your interests and
preferences may be. Types of social activities you may
want to join include:
● Play sports in a league
● Join a club in something you’re interested in
(reading, wine-tasting, cooking, etc.)
● Go to the gym
● Volunteer at a non-profit you believe in
● Check out a local MeetUp group
● Take a class in something new (dancing, yoga,
drawing)
● Find other community activities to participate in
(festivals, concerts, art shows)
● Join an online forum or message board

These are all great opportunities to meet new people.


And just finding one really cool person can end up
introducing you to a whole new social circle of friends.

We are a very social species, so we often depend on a


healthy social circle to be truly happy and content with
life. Don’t underestimate the importance of surrounding
yourself with positive people who actually motivate you,
inspire you, and help you enjoy life more.

Getting Support from Others

One of the benefits to having a rich social circle is that


you have people to support you and be there for you
when you are going through difficult and tough times, or
when you just want someone to talk to.
When we look toward others for social support, we’re
usually not looking for their advice or opinion, but just
someone who is good at sitting there and listening to us.
If you have people like that in your social circle, your
emotional well-being can improve dramatically.

In a recent study published in the Journal of Personality


and Social Psychology, researchers looked at how
individuals can best provide social support to those who
suffer from negative emotions and low self-esteem.

What they found was that individuals with low self-esteem


didn’t respond well to advice like “cheer up” or “look on
the bright side.” Instead, the type of social support they
were looking for was negative validation.

Negative validation is giving others permission to feel


negative and express their negative emotions. It allows
the other person to feel that their negative emotions are
natural and appropriate, and they don’t need to avoid
them.

We typically don’t want people in our lives who try to


change us (especially when it comes to our feelings).
Instead, we want people who accept us as we are and
allow us to feel our feelings are “normal.”

In another study published in Social Psychological and


Personality Science, it was discovered that when people
feel their emotions are shared with others, it can help
reduce unnecessary stress related to those emotions.

It’s always nice to know that people feel the same way as
you do. That helps you to realize that you aren’t alone in
your feelings, so you don’t have to feel bad about feeling
bad.

When building your social circle, make sure you find


people who accept you as you are, and don’t always try
to change you into something you’re not. We need more
people like that in our lives.
4. Creativity and Art Therapy
Creativity is one of the best ways to express your
emotions in a healthy way.

While it’s nice to have people to talk to, creativity can


often allow us to express our emotions in a way that
conversation and words don’t always allow.

Instead, creativity allows us take an emotion and express


it in a way using visuals, sounds, movement, and
storytelling. And by expressing our emotions in more
creative ways, we can often get a deeper understanding
of our emotional world.

Creativity is a way to transform negative emotions into


something positive and meaningful.

This is probably why so many artists and musicians take


their feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt and use them as
inspiration - a force that motivates them to create and
express themselves in a healthy way.

There are many scientifically proven benefits to various


forms of creativity and “Art Therapy” on our overall
happiness and well-being.
Here are studies showing the benefits of creativity on our
mental health:

● Improving Positive Emotions: A meta-analysis


published in the American Journal of Public Health
reviewed over 100 studies testing the effects of
creativity on our physical and mental health.
Individuals who were more likely to engage in
creative activities also showed an increase in
positive emotions, as well as a decrease in stress,
anxiety, and negative emotions.

● Reducing Stress and Improving Lifespan: Another


study published in the Journal of Aging and Health
discovered that creative people tend to live longer
lives than non-creative people, probably due to
their ability to better manage stress (which is
associated with a range of negative health
outcomes, including heart disease and cancer).

● Letting Go of the Past: One fascinating study


published in The Journal of Experimental
Psychology found that many people use creative
activities as a way to find “closure” after a bad
breakup or the loss of a loved one (such as
dedicating a song or poem to someone).
● Managing Pain: In a study published in The Journal
of Pain and Symptom Management, it was found
that Art Therapy can help reduce pain and anxiety
in cancer patients.

● Treating Depression and PTSD: Another study


published in Advances in Psychiatric Treatment
found a whole range of benefits associated with
writing and journaling, including long-term
improvements in mood and stress, as well as a
reduction in symptoms of depression and PTSD.

● Reducing Worry and Anxiety: A study published in


Science found that just 10 minutes of writing about
your worries before an academic exam can reduce
performance anxiety and improve overall test
performance.

Due to the growing evidence supporting the benefits of


art and creativity, many psychologists are beginning to
practice “Art Therapy” with their patients to help them
better manage their stress and emotions.

Of course “Art Therapy” is something we can all practice


in our own daily lives as well. And no matter who you are
or what you do for a living, you would probably benefit
from being a little more creative every now and then.
There are many different ways to satisfy our creative
needs, including:

● Singing
● Dancing
● Acting
● Poetry
● Music
● Sculpting
● Journaling
● Screenwriting
● Photography
● Comedy
● Painting

All of these different creative activities provide us with a


way to express ourselves and our emotions in a healthy
and satisfying way.

From a personal standpoint - when I was going through a


really difficult and depressing time many years ago - I
strongly depended on my music and photography to help
me get by. Without those as a type of self-therapy, I
probably wouldn’t even be here today.

It is very important for our emotional intelligence that we


have creative activities we can go to when we are feeling
down or need a way to express ourselves. Creativity is a
way to transform and channel our emotions in a new
direction.

Creativity is a way to take more control over your


emotional world.

You don’t have to be an amazing professional to benefit


from creativity, just enjoy the process of creating
something. No matter what you create, it’s going to be
unique and meaningful to you, and that’s what really
matters.
5. Do the Opposite of What You
Feel
Emotions can be very useful when they guide us to act in
helpful and constructive ways, but sometimes they can
also be misleading and dangerous.

In certain situations, it’s better to disengage from our


emotional instincts rather than act on them impulsively
without questioning them or challenging them.

One technique used to challenge these destructive


emotions is called “opposite action.” It’s a popular tool
used in Dialectic-Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help
individuals who often act on their emotions too
impulsively.

The key idea behind “opposite action” is that every


emotion comes with an action tendency.

For example:

● Anger often causes us to lash out and be


aggressive, whether verbally or physically.
● Sadness often causes us to isolate ourselves and
not want to do anything.
● Fear often causes us to run away or avoid a
situation.
● Shame often causes us to hide.

Often by following this “action tendency” we only


strengthen the emotion and get trapped in a vicious,
negative cycle.

However, when you know your emotions are working


against you, try to do the exact opposite action from what
your emotions are telling you.

One common situation this is useful for is when you are


sad and you don’t want to go out with your friends. While
this is a completely natural feeling, sometimes it is better
to drag yourself out with your friends anyway – do the
opposite action. Often you end up feeling glad that you
did, even if at first you were hesitant about it.

In the same way, doing the “opposite action” in response


to other emotions can help us reverse those feelings:

● When angry at a person, do something kind for


them instead.

● When too afraid to try something new, encourage


yourself to do it anyway.

● When sad and you don’t want to leave your bed,


get up and get outside despite your feelings.
● When shameful about something you want to hide,
be open and share it with others anyway.

This is all easier said than done. But when you focus on
the “opposite action” from what these unhelpful
emotions are telling you, then you’ll have an easier time
ending their cycle.

This technique helps you to not become a slave to your


emotions. Just because you feel one way doesn’t mean
you have to act on it to relieve yourself.

We wrongly believe that we need to wait until we feel


right before we take the right action. However,
sometimes we need to take the right action before we
can change the flow of our emotions.

Sometimes you should be kind to others, not because you


want to be kind to them, but because that’s the smart
thing to do if you want to keep yourself healthy and your
emotions in check.

Here’s another example. Say you are ashamed about your


weight, or a bad grade you got on a test, or some other
problem in your life. The “action tendency” behind
shame is usually to hide from these things, but the truth is
when we talk about our problems we usually feel better
about them.
Often you need to do things you don’t want to do before
you can realize that’s exactly what you needed. Can you
think of an example when doing the “opposite action”
made you feel better?
6. Healthy Escapism and
Distraction
One important aspect of emotional intelligence is
knowing when to engage with an emotion vs. when to
disengage from an emotion. By changing how we
respond to our feelings, we can exercise more effective
self-regulation and emotional management.

While often it is healthy to accept your emotions, reflect


on them, and release them, sometimes it’s actually
healthy for you to avoid an emotion, or distract yourself
from an emotion, or actively shift your awareness toward a
different kind of emotional experience.

This is because emotions can take on a cyclical and self-


fulfilling form.

There’s a point where the more you indulge in sadness, or


anger, or grief, the more you’re conditioning those
wirings in the brain that actually trigger those emotions,
which makes you more susceptible to continue to
experience those emotions in the future.

There’s a popular theory in psychology called catharsis,


which is basically the idea that you just need to act out
your emotions to “release” them. However, recent
studies have shown that sometimes this emotional release
actually strengthens the emotion and makes it worse.

For example, in one study published in the Personality


and Social Psychology Bulletin, individuals who hit a
punching bag as a way to “blow off steam” actually
reported greater levels of anger than individuals who
thought about going to the gym (a form of “distraction”),
or individuals who did nothing at all.

Instead of venting your negative emotions, sometimes it


is better to just shift your awareness toward something
completely different that makes you forget about your
troubles.

In many ways, this is the powerful role that entertainment


plays in our lives. It is a way to escape from the stress,
anxiety, and negativity of our everyday lives – and
sometimes that is what we need to stay sane and healthy.

We practice distraction and escapism in all kinds of ways,


including:

● Playing video games.


● Listening to music.
● Watching a movie.
● Socializing with friends.
● Reading a book.
● Going on vacation.
● Sleeping and dreaming.
● Sports and exercise.
● Safe and responsible drinking (or cannabis use).

These forms of distraction can be helpful in small doses.


Our minds have an awesome ability to temporarily
“disconnect” from our real world troubles and give
ourselves a much-needed break.

So after a hard week at work, don’t feel too bad if you


want to grab a drink at the bar or go to the movies. In
many ways, those little forms of escapism help keep you
emotionally healthy and balanced.

When you feel completely overwhelmed by your


emotions, sometimes the best strategy is to just walk
away and do something else. Most of our emotions are
temporary, if you wait them out they will often subside
and lose their impact.

In one study published in The Journal of Pain, it was


discovered that individuals can reduce pain intensity by
listening to music. And in another study published in
Current Biology, they found distracting individuals with a
hard memory task can also reduce pain. And a third
study published in Pain Research and Management found
that video games can also be an effective distraction
away from pain.
Interestingly, many hospitals are beginning to use video
games to help distract people - especially young children
- from painful procedures. You can check this article for
more.

This is because any type of distraction away from pain


and negative emotions activates neurons that compete
for resources that other neurons use to signal pain and
negative emotions. So if you distract yourself, the
negative feelings become less intense, because your
mental resources are being divided between the two
experiences.

Of course, too much escapism can turn into an unhealthy


addiction. You can’t avoid your pain and negative
emotions altogether - it’s not possible and it’s not healthy
- sometimes you need to actually engage them, accept
them, learn from them, and move on.

Distraction is just one option in your emotional


intelligence toolbox, but it’s not always going to be the
answer. Use it in a balanced and healthy way - but
remember it’s not an excuse to avoid reality altogether.
7. Exercise
If you were a computer, your mind would be the software,
but your body would be the hardware. Therefore, it
should be no secret that we have to take care of our
physical health if we want our mental health to be at its
best.

A lot of research shows how exercise can improve many


aspects of our mental health, including our mood and
emotions.

One surprising study published in The Journal of Clinical


Psychiatry discovered that exercise can be an effective
secondary treatment for clinical depression. Of course,
that doesn’t mean exercise alone can cure depression,
but that it can be a valuable way to reduce and alleviate
symptoms.

One of the reasons exercise may help alleviate depression


is because it releases neurotransmitters like endorphins,
serotonin, and anandamide, which are known to elevate
mood and feelings of pleasure. This experience is
commonly referred to as “runner’s high.”

Another recent study published in Medicine and Science


in Sports, has found that moderate exercise can also have
protective effects against future stress and anxiety. They
discovered that individuals who had just exercised were
better able to “bounce back” from emotional distress
after viewing unpleasant or disturbing images.

In the same way, when we frequently exercise we’re


going to be better capable of combating stress and
negative emotions throughout our day.

Another study published in PLOS ONE discovered that


this protective effect against stress even applies to the
cellular level. Individuals who did vigorous physical
activity for 42 minutes over a 3 day period (that’s less than
15 minutes a day) not only reduced stress, but also
protected against stress-related cell aging and telomere
length.

And even more interestingly, a study published in The


Journal of Neuroscience found how exercise even
changes our brains and rewires it at a neurological level to
protect better against stress and anxiety.

Exercises has benefits at all levels - psychological,


biological, and neurological. This is why it is essential to a
happy and emotionally intelligent life. Are you getting a
healthy dose of exercise? Or do you spend most of your
days just sitting in front of the computer or TV?
Here are easy ways to start exercising and being more
physically active:

● Start small. Any exercise is better than none at all,


even if it just means starting your day with some
sit-ups or push-ups, or a short walk around the
block. Get up and moving, because everyone has
to start somewhere.

● Join a gym or community center. A gym or


community center can be an awesome resource for
many different physical activities that you can’t do
at home. It’s also an opportunity to meet like-
minded people. And lastly, paying for a
membership somewhere will give you that extra
incentive to get off your butt and make use of it.

● Participate in sports and friendly competition.


Another great option is joining a local sports
league. Some people seem to have an easier time
exercising if it’s in the context of a competitive
game rather than just going to the gym and
working by themselves.

● Find friends with similar goals. It often helps to


have people other people who motivate us toward
our goals. Try to find people to join you while you
exercise or play a sport, and who help hold you
accountable if you miss a day.
● Think of exercise as “fun.” In a great study, it was
found that thinking of exercise as “fun” and not
“work” promoted healthier behaviors. It’s simple -
the more you want to do something, the more you
enjoy it, the easier it is going to be to motivate
yourself. Find types of physical activity you actually
like doing.

● Play more with your kids and/or pets. If you have


kids or pets, that can be a great excuse to go
outside and be physically active (after all, they
need exercise too). For example, once I got a new
dog, it became a great reason to leave my house
and go for more walks.

● Think of yourself as a healthy and active person. At


the end of the day, you need to start identifying
yourself and seeing yourself more as a healthy
person. You have to stop saying to yourself, “I’m
just not the type of person who exercises or eats
rights,” and begin saying, “I’m the type of person
who takes care of their body.”

Exercise is tremendously important for your physical and


mental health. Don’t underestimate this one in your
“emotional intelligence” toolkit. You’d be surprised how
much a little more physical activity can benefit your
overall mood and self-esteem.
8. Sleep
Sleep is an important yet underappreciated part of our
lives. Without a good night’s sleep we can often suffer
different physical and mental issues, such as fatigue,
stress, and distracted thinking.

Over time, these can build up and contribute to bigger


problems such as depression and mood disorders.

Getting your sleep right can make a big and noticeable


difference in your life. If you are currently experiencing
difficulties with your sleep patterns, here are the key
principles behind a good night’s sleep.

Know if you’re an “early bird” or “night owl”

Psychologists and biologists know that humans often fall


into two main categories when it comes to sleep. These
are based on differences in our circadian rhythms or
“biological clocks.”

An early bird prefers to go to bed earlier and wake up


earlier, while a night owl prefers to stay up later and wake
up later. This is because early birds tend to feel most
energized in the morning and night owls tend to feel
most energized in the evening and night.
Understanding your biological clock is important in
catering your sleep schedule to meet your biological
needs.

In general, getting 7-10 hours a sleep is usually the range


most humans need, but when we should get this sleep
can depend on whether you’re more of an “early bird” or
“night owl.”

Stay consistent with your sleep schedule

One of the most important things you can do in


developing healthy sleep patterns is to try to keep the
same schedule every day. You should be going to sleep
and waking up at relatively the same time everyday.

This is important to recognize, because many people will


spend a night or two a week staying up really late, and
then try to overcompensate by sleeping a lot the next day
(usually on the weekends).

This inconsistency can really throw off your biological


clock and hurt you from developing a steady rhythm to
your sleeping patterns. Try your best to follow the same
sleep routine everyday.

You can use an alarm clock to help set your sleep


schedule, but ideally when you find your biological
rhythm you should be waking up naturally at the same
time every day.

Be physically active during the day

Often a good night’s sleep follows a good day’s work.


The more energy we exert while we are awake, the easier
it is to fall asleep once the day comes to an end.

If you spend your days being lazy, not being physically


active, or even taking a lot of naps, then that is going to
make it much more difficult to fall asleep when it’s
actually time to get some rest.

All that energy you don’t use throughout the day can
make you very anxious and fidgety. Your body often
needs to engage in physical activity to release this
energy.

Our lives are often a cycle of “work” and “rest,” so often


you need to get the “work” part down if you also want to
get the “rest” part down.
Use your bedroom for only sleeping, limit
other distractions

If you spend a lot of time in your bedroom not sleeping,


then your mind begins to associate it with all different
types of activities.

One of the best things I’ve personally done in my


bedroom is get rid of the television and computer. In this
way, my bedroom is almost solely used for rest and
sleeping. If I want to do something else then I have to go
into another room.

This helps a lot, because our minds can be very sensitive


to environmental cues, so limiting these distractions in
your room helps you just focus on sleep.

Minimize alcohol and drug use

Alcohol and drugs can be a kind of sleep aid, but often


they don’t give you a healthy and productive sleep (they
just knock you out and don’t give you the proper amount
of REM sleep).

Not to mention, it’s not good to have a dependence on


certain substances to manage your sleep cycle. For
example, if you need a drink every night to fall asleep, it
could be a sign that you need to find healthier sleep aids.
Learn relaxation techniques to use before
sleep

Learning relaxation techniques to practice before sleep is


often a better aid than relying on alcohol or drugs. One of
the most popular techniques to use is called progressive
muscle relaxation.

In this simple exercise, you focus on each muscle in your


body, stretch it, and then release it, all while focusing on
calmness in that specific area.

Start with focusing on the muscles in your toes, feet,


bottom leg, and upper leg. Stretch and clench each
muscle, then release until each muscle is free from stress
and tension. Next move onto your groin, abs, chest,
shoulders, arms, and back. And finish by focusing on the
muscles in your face, around your mouth, eyes, and
forehead.

With each muscle you move onto, you’ll become


gradually more relaxed, until your whole body is in a state
of calmness. Your breathing begins to slow down and
you’ll begin to feel less sensation in your body until you’re
ready to let go completely and fall into a state of sleep.
Use positive affirmations

Affirmations can be applied to almost any area of your


life, including sleep.

Sometimes people who have trouble sleeping begin to


have negative, self-fulfilling thoughts like, “I will never fall
asleep” or “My mind is racing too much.” We ruminate
over these thoughts before we go to bed, and they
become more and more difficult to overcome.

Instead of filling your head with negative thoughts before


you sleep, you can use affirmations to fill your head with
calm, relaxing thoughts. For example:

● “I am falling asleep…”
● “My body and mind are going into a calm and
relaxed state…”
● “All of my stress and anxiety is floating away…”

These simple affirmations can help prepare your body


and mind to begin going into a state of sleep. And often
times using these types of affirmations in addition to the
progressive muscle relaxation can make this exercise even
more effective.
Conclusion
It’s ultimately up to you to use your “emotional
intelligence” toolkit as you see fit. The important thing is
to recognize that all of these tools are at your disposal
when you need them.

Often times, which tool we choose to use (and which tool


works best) is going to depend on the particular situation
and person.

Maybe some situations you find “distraction” works best,


but in other situations you need to practice more
“acceptance.” Or maybe some situations you want to
channel your emotions with “creativity,” or release them
through “exercise,” or look toward someone for “social
support.”

Balance is important to remember here. Every tool has a


purpose, but every tool can be misused as well. You
should try your best to use all of these tools to some
degree throughout your life.

Overall, the more tools you have available to you when


you need them, the more emotionally intelligent you’re
going to be. It’s important to not depend on any single
tool for all of your emotional support.
If you’re just getting started, try choosing just one of
these tools to focus on for the next week. Write down 3
easy and simple actions you can take that embody this
tool. And when you find yourself needing an emotional
boost, actually practice putting the tool into action.

Once you build one new tool in your life, move on to


another one. And keep building and practicing. Give
yourself as many options as possible when it comes to
managing your emotions in positive and constructive
ways.

As with everything in life, emotional intelligence takes


practice and time.

I’ve been practicing these tools for years and years now,
but I’m not perfect. I still make mistakes. I still handle my
emotions in negative and counterproductive ways,
sometimes. It’s going to happen.

The important thing is to be patient with yourself as you


build your “emotional intelligence” toolkit. Keep the
long-term in mind each day. Pay attention to small
progress. And one day you’ll look back and be amazed by
your progress.
Stay Connected
www.theemotionmachine.com

You might also like