WORKSHOP
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
WITH JONATHON KENDALL
AUTHOR & COO AT MENTORBOX
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ABOUT THE WORKSHOP
This workshop will teach you how to communicate more effectively
with your friends, family, and significant other, by harnessing the
power of The 5 Love Languages: receiving gifts, quality time, words of
affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch.
ABOUT GARY CHAPMAN
In today’s lesson, Jonathon Kendall will use the work of bestselling
author, Gary Chapman, as his guide. As a psychologist, speaker,
and pastor, Gary Chapman has been on a lifelong quest to unpack
the secrets of miscommunication. Namely, why is it that people are
seemingly unable to share their love effectively? His answer: we’re
often not using the same language when communicating. It’s as if one
partner is speaking Chinese––the other Spanish. This realization was
so groundbreaking that his collective works have now sold over 10
million copies.
ABOUT JONATHON
Jonathon Kendall’s specialization is writing and communication in
all its forms. As COO and content specialist for MentorBox, it is his
job to: read, understand, summarize, teach, and ultimately add to the
information offered in self-development books.
SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE
At the heart of The 5 Love Languages ethos is this powerful realization
that not all people are the same. Which, no kidding, right? Except for
some reason, when showing and sharing love with those who we care
about, we wrongly assume that we are, in fact, all the same.
A husband may say, “I like it when my wife gifts me unexpected
presents––I LOVE it. This gifting proves to me, and more importantly,
reminds me that she cares about me.”
While his wife is thinking, “I love it when my husband tells me that
he loves me out loud, and that I’m beautiful in the mornings. This
proves to me that he still cares.”
So all the while, she is telling him that she loves him, while he
is giving her presents: neither of them satisfying the other. This
miscommunication is at the core of today’s lesson. Get this right
(and luckily, it’s not that difficult) and your relationships will
improve forever. The key, though, is first establishing which love
languages speak most strongly to you, and then identifying your
loved ones’ LOVE LANGUAGES.
RECEIVING GIFTS
PRINCIPLE
Some of us love receiving and giving gifts. These little tokens of
appreciation act as symbols of a greater notion: that someone cares
enough to think about you when they didn’t otherwise have to.
And further, that they were willing to spend their time and financial
resources in order to present you with a physical sign of their love. This
is an ancient idea. Instinctual, even. I give you some of my best fruit––
despite their being less calories for me––because I care about your
survival. That OUR collective survival is as important as my own.
Note: If your love language is receiving gifts, do not feel bad about this.
Do not shame yourself or your loved ones for being “materialistic.” Gift
giving doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be your favorite candy. A
note on your desk. A quick lunch in the city. A well-crafted date night.
The more thoughtful, usually, the better and more impactful.
QUALITY TIME
Some people (and maybe this is you?) don’t care about expensive
dresses nor are they impressed by long phone conversations––they
want their partner in person. They don’t want hand-written letters or
emoji filled texts: they want a conversation, live. For these people,
nothing beats time well spent together.
In this case, it’s important, especially if you’re busy, to be clear and
direct about your boundaries and needs. If you or your loved one
works 60-hours a week, then you will need to articulate when this
quality time can be spent together and be specific about how long
it will be. These clear boundaries will make the time together more
relaxing and meaningful. Then––when you are together––turn off
your phones and television screens––and just hang out. Go on a walk.
Talk. Get a coffee together. You don’t have to hang out “all the time,”
but do acknowledge and respect your partner’s desire to see you in
person and make it a habit that becomes as automatic as everything
else important in your life.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
APPLICATION
For some people, no matter how many rings you buy them or long
walks along the beach you spend with them, they will not feel loved
unless you actually tell them out loud. These people want to be told
that they’re beautiful, that you love them, that you miss them, that
they’re special––and that you love them (again).
This one is actually quite easy to implement: genuinely compliment
them whenever and however possible. In the morning before you
leave, “I love you.” After a day spent working together, “I really
appreciate how hard you worked today. You’re really good at your
job.” Before the big event, “Do your best. I’m going to be here for
you no matter what happens.” Etc.
This does not mean you should be “mushy” or disingenuous in your
compliments. If this expression of love doesn’t come naturally to you,
the trick is to not force it so that you feel overly “soft” or insincere.
Remember, this is not about how you feel while articulating your love:
it’s about HOW the other person receives love.
ACTS OF SERVICE
EXERCISE
Some people prefer their gifts in the form of service: washing the
dishes, helping with laundry, or cutting the grass, etc. These people
are often doers, ones who value checking off the proverbial boxes on
a to-do list. In this case, a fantastic way of showing your affection is
to help them with physical tasks, maybe picking out one that they
particularly despise, and doing it in their stead.
Walking the dogs, cooking food, taking the car for an oil change––these
simple acts of service––when done with intention, will communicate
true love and caring. Find the acts of service that speak most to your
loved one. Not all acts of service are equal and finding the ones that
matter most to your partner will make the biggest impact (and express
the most love).
Though be careful not to step on their toes. It’s a delicate balance
between helping them, which they’ll absolutely adore, and taking
away one of their greatest enjoyments. If they love grocery shopping,
it won’t make them feel loved to have that act of service taken away
from them. As is the case with most things: the answer is simply to
ask what you can help them with, specifically, and then do that.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
APPLICATION
For some people spending time together is not enough; they are
tactile and kinesthetic by nature. These people want to hold hands.
They want a literal pat on the back. They want a handshake. A hug. A
kiss on the cheek goodbye. And if it’s an intimate relationship––they
want the relationship to be INTIMATE.
In these cases, depending upon the type of relationship, it’s important
to show physical affection wherever possible. Different people will
prefer specific types of physical intimacy and taking the time to
learn and understand those boundaries and preferences will pay off.
One of the joys of a romantic partnership is deepening your mutual
understanding of your shared physical connection over time. Whether
it’s a professional relationship or a romantic one, the level of physical
touch should not be overbearing or aggressive––it should be clear,
understood, and acknowledged with kindness.
Important: Getting this one wrong is catastrophic. Only use physical
touch as a show of affection when it is verbally clear that the person
prefers to receive affection in this way. If this is your primary love
language, you may naturally want to express your affection to others
this way, but it’s not acceptable to do that without clear invitation.
Never assume or else you’ll get yourself into big trouble.
PRIMARY & SECONDARY
EXERCISE
While reading through this workbook, you may have thought to
yourself, “I like all of these. I like gifts, compliments, quality time, sex,
and acts of devotion. What’s the catch?”
There is no catch. It’s true that we all appreciate most these methods,
but it’s helpful to define which two (in particular) you and your loved
ones MOST prefer, and then double down on those. Gary Chapman
posits that we all have a primary love language AND a secondary
love language. A good way to think about connecting through love
languages is to communicate about 70% of the time in your loved
one’s primary love language, 20% of the time in their secondary love
language, and then 10% using a sprinkling of the other love languages.
YOURAPPLICATION
LOVE LANGUAGE
Of the 5 love languages, which is your primary?
Words of Affection
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Why:
Of the 5 love languages, which is your secondary? Why?
Words of Affection
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Why:
QUESTIONS & EXCERCISES
EXERCISE
Who are the 6 people in your life that you will tell this realization to?
Spouse:
Children:
Boss:
Best friend:
Parents:
Other:
Hint: Now go tell them! They’ll love you for it.
KNOWING YOUR NUMBER ONE
APPLICATION
Who is your number one person in your life right now? Why?
What do you predict is his/her primary and secondary love language?
Why?
Now go ask them directly. Were you right?
Knowing what you know now, what is your new plan for how you
will express your love for them?
YOU’VE
EXERCISE
MADE IT!
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU’VE COMPLETED THIS WORKSHOP
You now have the knowledge and power to effectively
communicate with everyone in your life. The way you
prefer to receive love is not necessarily the way you should
give love, and that’s okay. These skills will make positive
waves in your life––so embrace them!
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