Effective Communication

Improving Communication Skills in Your Work and Personal Relationships

It sounds so simple: say what you
mean. But all too often, what we try to
communicate gets lost in translation
despite our best intentions. We say one
thing, the other person hears something
else, and misunderstandings,
frustration, and conflicts ensue.

Fortunately, you can learn how to

communicate more clearly and
effectively. Whether you’re trying to
improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, you can improve the
communication skills that enable you to effectively connect with others, build trust and respect,
and feel heard and understood.

What is effective communication?

Communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about

understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective
communication is also a two-way street. It’s not only how you convey a message so that
it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, it’s also how
you listen to gain the full meaning of what’s being said and to make the other person
feel heard and understood.

More than just the words you use, effective communication combines a set of skills
including nonverbal communication, engaged listening, managing stress in the
moment, the ability to communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and
understand your own emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.

Effective communication is the glue that helps you deepen your connections to others
and improve teamwork, decision making, and problem solving. It enables you to
communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying
trust.

While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it’s

spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the
same impact as a speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of
course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective
communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and
spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Page 1 of 8
Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed,

you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal
signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. Take a moment to calm
down before continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re
planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, checking text messages, or
thinking about something else, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the
conversation. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience.

Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being

said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something
else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say
“yes” while shaking your head no.

Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you may
use negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your
arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree, or even like
what’s being said, but to communicate effectively without making the other person
defensive, it’s important to avoid sending negative signals.

4 key skills to improve communication

1. Become an engaged listener

2. Pay attention to nonverbal signals
3. Keep stress in check
4. Assert yourself

Skill 1: Become an engaged listener

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is less about
talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the
words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions
the speaker is trying to communicate.

There’s a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you
really listen—when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle
intonations in someone’s voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions
they’re trying to communicate. When you’re an engaged listener, not only will you
better understand the other person, you’ll also make that person feel heard and
understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

Page 2 of 8
By communicating in this way, you’ll also experience a process that lowers stress and
supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm, for
example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person
is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the
person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an
engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more
you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will
become.

How do you become an engaged listener?

Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues.
Tone of voice conveys emotion, so if you’re thinking about other things, checking text messages
or doodling, you’re almost certain to miss the nonverbal cues and the emotional content behind
the words being spoken. And if the person talking is similarly distracted, you’ll be able to
quickly pick up on it. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their
words over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear. The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for both
speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain is connected to the right
side of the body, favoring your right ear can help you better detect the emotional nuances of
what someone is saying. Try keeping your posture straight, your chin down, and tilting your
right ear towards the speaker—this will make it easier to pick up on the higher frequencies of
human speech that contain the emotional content of what’s being said.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns, by saying

something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not
the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if
you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial
expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.

Show your interest in what's being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure
your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal
comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”

Try to set aside judgement. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have
to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside
your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand a person. The
most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely and
profound connection with someone.

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing.
"What I'm hearing is," or "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Don’t

Page 3 of 8
How do you become an engaged listener?

simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or
unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify
certain points: "What do you mean when you say..." or "Is this what you mean?"

Hear the emotion behind the words by exercising your middle ear muscles

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny middle ear muscles (the smallest in the body),
you’ll be able to detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and
be better able to understand what others are really saying. As well as by focusing fully
on what someone is saying, you can exercise these tiny muscles by singing, playing a
wind instrument, and listening to certain types of music (high-frequency Mozart violin
concertos and symphonies, for example, rather than low-frequency rock or rap music).

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal

signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body
movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your
muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another
person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you
connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and
build better relationships at home and work.

 You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms

uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and
maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
 You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting
a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding
your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend
to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age,
culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language
signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example,
are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a
single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from

Page 4 of 8
eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let
eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider
the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Tips for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication
should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your
body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest.
For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for
example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re
addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and
cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.

Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually
experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important
presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal
confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room
with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your
shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake.
It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions.

And that means learning how to manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more
likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and
lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids,
boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you
can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets,
but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when
you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation requires
a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain
silent.

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or

introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your

Page 5 of 8
emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips
can help:

Staying calm under pressure

Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for
clarification of a statement before responding.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you
seem more in control than rushing your response.

Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response
is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest. Follow
one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a
second point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as
what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body
language relaxed and open.

Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even
if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

When things start to get heated in the middle of a conversation, you need something
quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly
reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re
experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to
maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting
happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

To deal with stress during communication:

Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as
you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands
clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep breaths,
clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image, for example. The
best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste,
and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things
that are soothing to you.

Page 6 of 8
Quick stress relief for effective communication

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve
stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously,
find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a
happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that
the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier for
you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.

Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm
down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if possible,
or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your
balance can quickly reduce stress.

Skill 4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost self-
esteem and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings,
and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting
others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective
communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an
argument or forcing your opinions on others.

To improve assertiveness:

Value yourself and your options. They are as important as anyone else's.

Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others

Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's OK to be angry, but you must be respectful as
well.

Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for
help when needed.

Learn to say "no." Know your limits and don't let others take advantage of you. Look for
alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

 Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other
person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. "I know you've been very
busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well."

Page 7 of 8
 Escalating assertion can be used when your first attempts are not successful. You
become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences
if your needs are not met. For example, "If you don't abide by the contract, I'll be forced
to pursue legal action."
 Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to start with to help build up your
confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them
first.

Page 8 of 8