The Self from a Philosophical Perspective

Rene Descartes
 Descartes’ understanding of the self cannot be separated from his epistemology (way of
knowing)
 He subjected everything to doubt including his existence: for doubting to take place, somebody
must be doing the doubting
 The human person is a res cogitans - a thinking being –
o When we deny, when we love – these are the real self
 Indubitable truth

Kant
 Did not provide a systematic conception of the self
 Homo noumenon – our mental self/ the willing self
o The self that cannot be reduced to an empirical subject
o The thinking, the willing, the self that exercises freedom
 Homo phenomenon – the empirical self/ the objective self
o The self that has a body / the self that would feel pain
o Phenomena  phinestai  that which appears
o Temporal / physical self
o Taking on an objective shape, a bodily form
 Questions about morality is exercised by the homo noumenon
o The self that wills
o How we ought to live
o It is the homo noumenon which is at work
 But this does not mean that the homo phenomenon is lesser than the homo noumenon
o They are two sides of the same coin: they constitute what can be called the self (Kant)


David Hume
 Neither denied nor affirmed the existence of the self
 To talk about the self is to talk about something absurd!
 His understanding of the self is linked to his epistemology – all knowledge and ideas with the
exception of analytic statements (those that statements whose predicate does not add new
meaning to the subject; ex. A triangle is a shape with three sides; no contradictory terms)
 We have an idea of something because we have experienced that something
o Hence his empirical philosophy
o Ideas are copies of our impressions or empirical experiences
 The self as a concept is something that we cannot empirically experience
o We cannot experience the self!
o The self is an empty word that we cannot experience

 Source of all knowledge is our direct sense experience – but what are the contents of our
experience?
o Only impressions and ideas
 Impressions – basic sensations of experience: pain, pleasure, heat, cold,
happiness, grief, fear  lively and vivid
  Ideas – copies of impressions  thoughts and images that are built up from our
primary impressions
o If examined, these contents of experience  they are fleeting stream of sensations in
our mind and that nowhere among them is the sensation of a “constant and invariable”
self that exists as a unified identity over the course of our lives. And because the self is
not to be found among these continually changing sensations, we can only conclude
that there is no good reason for believing that the self exists.
 But if Hume is right, then why does everybody but Hume believe with certainty that they do
have a self-identity that persists through time and serves to unify their life and give it meaning?
o What is the self we experience according to Hume?
o “a bundle or collection of different perceptions, which succeed each other with an
inconceivable rapidity, and are in perpetual flux and movement.
o Humans desperately want to believe that they have a unified and continuous self or soul
that they use their imaginations to construct a fictional self.
o But this fictional self is not real; what we call the self is an imaginary creature, derived
from a succession of impermanent states and events.
o What is our mind?  a kind of theatre, where several perceptions successively make
their appearance pass, repass, glide away, and mingle in an infinite variety of postures
and situations

Immanuel Kant

From School of Life: Who Am I? - YouTube

 “Focusing in on questions of identity has the paradoxical, and rather cheering effect of making
us both less attached to certain bits of us, and more confident that the really important things
about who we have been will survive, in a way, long after our bodies have returned to dust and
our memories have been obliterated.”

The Self from a Sociological Perspective

Sociological imagination

 The relationship between individual experiences and forces in the larger society that shape our
actions. We do not always recognize how our lives are affected by outside sources

A bit about Socialization

Sociologists, in general, are interested in the patterns of behavior and attitudes that emerge throughout
the life course, from infancy to old age.

These patterns are part of the lifelong process of socialization, in which people learn the attitudes,
values, and behaviors appropriate for members of a particular culture. Socialization occurs through
human interactions that begin in infancy and continue through retirement. We learn a great deal from
those people most important in our lives—immediate family members, best friends, and teachers. But
we also learn from people we see on the street, on television, on the Internet, and in films and
magazines.

From a microsociological perspective, socialization helps us to discover how to behave “properly” and
what to expect from others if we follow (or challenge) society’s norms and values. From a
macrosociological perspective, socialization provides for the transmission of a culture from one
generation to the next, to ensure the long-term continuity of a society.

Socialization also shapes our self-images. Socialization experiences can help to shape our personalities.
In everyday speech, the term personality is used to refer to a person’s typical patterns of attitudes,
needs, characteristics, and behavior.

How much of a person’s personality is shaped by our culture, as opposed to inborn traits? In what ways
does socialization continue into adulthood? …. Socialization is a process that spans the entire life course.

The role of socialization

What makes us who we are? Genes or environment? (researchers and scientists have frequently clashed
traditionally on the nature vs nurture debate. However, most researchers now have moved on and do
acknowledge the interaction of these variables in shaping human development.

Social isolation & impact

 1994 movie Nell which stars Jodie Foster
 Adjustment problems in adoption situations
 Isolation had negative effect on rhesus monkeys  fearful, became abusive mothers
 Twin studies  show interaction between heredity and environment; both genetic
(temperament, voice, nervousness, etc) and socialization experiences (values, attitudes, chosen
mates etc.) impact human development
o Care must be made in generalizing; sample sizes of these studies are small
o We can’t control everything – possibility of identical twins having met in their lifetime

The self and socialization (p. 109)

 How do we come to develop our perceptions, feelings and beliefs about who we are? What we
are like? Do they change as we age?
 “We were not born with these understandings.”
 Building on the work of George Herbert Mead (1964b), sociologists recognize that our concept
of who we are, the self, emerges as we interact with others.
 The self is a distinct identity that sets us apart from others. It is not a static phenomenon but
continues to develop and change throughout our lives.
 Sociologists and psychologists alike have expressed interest in how the individual develops and
modifies the sense of self as a result of social interaction. The work of sociologists Charles
Horton Cooley and George Herbert Mead, pioneers of the interactionist approach, has been
especially useful in furthering our understanding of these important issues.

Charles Horton Cooley’s The Looking Glass Self

 Early 1900s
 The phrase looking-glass self emphasizes that the self is the product of our social interactions
 Three phases of developing a self-concept or self-identity
o We imagine how we present ourselves to others – family, friends, strangers, etc.
o We imagine how others evaluate us – attractive, intelligent, shy, or stranger?
o We develop a feeling (e.g. respect or shame) about ourselves as a result of these
impressions
 Critical aspect of the looking-glass self  the self results from an individual’s imagination of
how others view him or her
o Implications? Are our imaginations of how or what people think of us always accurate?
Thus, we can develop self-identities based on incorrect perceptions of how others see us
o Example: Student react strongly to a teacher’s criticism and decides (wrongly) that the
instructor views the student as stupid.
 This misperception may be converted into a negative self-identity through the
following process
 (1) the teacher criticized me
 (2) the teacher must think that I’m stupid
 (3) I am stupid
 o Yet the self-identities are also subject to change. If the student receives an A at the end
of the course, he or she will probably no longer feel stupid.

George Herbert Mead’s Stages of the Self

 Mead continued exploration of Cooley’s interactionist theory
 In 1934 he developed a useful model of the process by which the self emerges (come out,
appear, become more apparent)
o Preparatory stage – children imitate people around them
o Play stage – children start to begin to pretend to be other people; child becomes a
doctor, parent, superhero, ship captain
 Role taking - Role taking is the process of mentally assuming the perspective of
another and responding from that imagined viewpoint. For example, through
this process a young child will gradually learn when it is best to ask a parent for
favors. If the parent usually comes home from work in a bad mood, the child will
wait until after dinner, when the parent is more relaxed and approachable.
 o Game stage – children grasp not only their own social positions but also those of others
around them
 The child can now respond to numerous members of the social environment

George Herbert Mead’s Theory of the self

 George Herbert Mead was a social psychologist and a philosopher, and he looked to both
disciplines in trying to work out what exactly we mean when we talk about the “self.” Traditional
philosophers and sociologists saw societies as growing from the coming together of individual,
autonomous selves, but Mead said the opposite was true—selves emerge from social
interactions; they are formed within society. This concept is prevalent now in psychology and
psychotherapy, but when Mead first presented his ideas in 1913 in The Social Self, it was a
revolutionary point of view. Mead disagreed with the idea that individual, experiencing selves
exist in any recognizable way before they are part of the social process. The social process of
experience or behavior is “logically prior to the individuals and their individual experiencing
which are involved in it.” By this, Mead is suggesting that an individual’s consciousness, with all
its intentions, desires, and so on, is formed within the context of social relationships, one or
more particular languages, and a set of cultural norms. From birth, babies begin to sense
communication through gestures, which function as symbols and build “a universe of
discourse.” Over time, they learn to mimic and “import” the practices, gestures, and eventually
words of those around them, so that they can make their own response and receive further
gestures and words from others.
 The pattern of attitudes that the baby experiences and internalizes (learns) creates the sense of
“me.” In this way, the “me” represents the behaviors, expectations, and attitudes learned
through interactions with others. But Mead says that we also have another sense of ourselves,
which he calls the “I.” Both the “I” and the “me” are different functions of the self. The “I,” like
the “me,” keeps evolving, but its function is to reflect on the “me,” while also seeing the bigger
picture: the “me” acts in habitual ways, while the “I” can reflect on these and make self
conscious choices. It allows us to be different, both from other people and our former selves,
through reflection on our actions. Mead’s theory of the development of self was pivotal in
turning psychology and sociology away from the idea of “self” as being merely internal
introspection, and aligning it firmly within a societal context.

Symbolic Interactionism
 Focus on how we think in symbols: words primarily
 We instinctively interpret and react to symbols
 We attach meaning to words and gestures
  Interaction between individuals and the world – both the individual and the world are dynamic
 Great importance is placed on the individual’s ability to interpret the social world

George Mead
 A philosopher (also a social psychologist)
 Most of what is published is based on shat his students took note of
 Believe that the self is socially constructed
 There is the “I” and the “me”
 Play stage and game stage
 Generalized other
 Seeing ourselves through the eyes of other people; this is the way we construct the self
 “I” as the director; “me” as the actor???  A/N: di kaya maconfuse lang sila nito with
dramaturgy?
 Cyclical:
o My actions  other people’s evaluations
o Other people’s evaluations  my anticipation of other people’s evaluation
o My anticipation of other people’s evaluation  my actions
 We are all interlinked; our sense of self is formed from/through other people’s evaluations of us
 Each of us is an accumulation/amalgamation of other people’s evaluations, as we each interpret
them to be
o The radical view: we are nothing but that! (woah)
 We all have an audience and their judgment of us help us generate either a positive or negative
sense of self
 In turn we also generate towards others a positive/negative sense of self
 Significance?
o Process explains how conformity is generated
o The need to get along delivers the basis of social solidarity, of moral behavior
 From Giddens:
o What Mead demonstrated is that the study of the individual's self cannot be divorced
from the study of society - and that requires a sociological perspective.

George Cooley (1864-1929)

 The looking glass self – looking at myself through someone else’s eyes
 Similar to Mead’s idea of the I and the ME

Different kinds of other

 Categories of “others”
o Significant others – spouses, parents
o Relevant others – cousins, relatives
o Reference groups – schoolmates, batch mates, course mates, siblings, relatives
 Generalized other – the rest of humanity
 People do not affect each other equally. Some affect our sense of self. Some are not as critical.

The self as socially constructed

 Be true to yourself, regardless of the world
o But there is no true self, apart from the social self
 o The social self exists only through interactions with other people, who are constantly
regarding and evaluating us
 Aspen forest – analogy used by social interactionists
o Allan Johnson: The forest is society and the trees are the individuals. Without the
individuals, there is no society. Without the trees, there is no forest
o Cant see the forest for the trees (idiom) - Cannot see, understand, or focus on a
situation in its entirety due to being preoccupied with minor details.

Generalized other
 As we mature we are able to infer how we are seen by the larger community - people we don't
know personally. Mead referred to this 'anonymous group' as the GENERALIZED OTHER
 - People outside of primary groups (generalized other)
 Even people you don't know have say in shaping you
 It is our perception of how people in general view a social situation
 and the people who occupy different statuses within it.

Summary Cooley, Mead & Goffman

Goffman’s work on the self represents a logical progression of sociological studies begun by Cooley and
Mead on how personality is acquired through socialization and how we manage the presentation of the
self to others. Cooley stressed the process by which we create a self; Mead focused on how the self
develops as we learn to interact with others; Goffman emphasized the ways in which we consciously
create images of ourselves for others.

Legends Only: What Makes Leni Robredo, Leni Robredo?

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=916703985856303

What makes a legend?

How does ordinary become extraordinary? How do I become legendary?

What were you like as a young student?

 Very shy
 Okay in academics
 Mom is a teacher – always compared to my mom; superstar
 Dad was a practicing lwayer – became a judge  very compassionate dad;
o Masyadong aware ako nung injustices!
 Late bloomer in confidence
o Crossroads – when I got married to Jesse
o Napilitan ako mag campaign – nahirapan ako
o Slow burn
o When the plane crashed, I had no choice.
o When husband died – fear became secondary to responsibility
 I worked with PAO before
o Worked with men – prisoners;
o Overcame inferiority ng gender
 Receiving end of misogynstic remarks after being vp
 Power doesn’t change a person, it only reveals who they truly are.
o Agree. 200%
o Just the awareness that power influence you. It helps you keep in check.
o Wag tayo niyan kasi baka masanay tayo.
 Exercise of having to keep yourself in check
o Reflective
o It’s your choices that reveal your character – Dumbledore
 How do you feel you are still becoming Leni?
o We are not static.
o Mahalaga lang na you are evolving into someone better.
o Wisdom, discernment and guidance
 Advice?
o You are where you are meant to be.
o That’s why kailangan natin pagbutihin.
o Because this is where you are really supposed to be, make the most out of it.
o Eckhart Tolle: If you take care of the now, right now, it will lead you to the next.
FORUM

Juliane:
 Descartes – mind as seat of knowledge; to discover strengths we must think and be conscious of
how we behave
 Compromising health and wellbeing (esp. psych health) – what to do? Focus more on own
growth – more important and it matters

Roblo:
 Descartes  allowed myself to doubt; question myself through the survey that was given
o Commit yourself to a wholesale and systematic doubting of all things
 Dangerous to judge yourself according to how you think others see you

Varga:
 Descartes – manifest strengths!!

Mangubat:
 Kant

Pana:
 Kant
 Overthinking and getting anxious
 Next time, I should love and evaluate myself more. In that way, I’m fully aware of who I am and
also my worth that I would never care or easily get swayed with my negative thoughts. Second,
it is really important to recognize your own feelings so when I start overthinking or judging
myself again, I will do journaling to process my thoughts. Lastly, I will do things that make me
happy or feel like myself again. Especially the things that remind me that I’m doing good
because the only validation that I need is from myself.

Janio:
 Kant – freedom of choice; responsibility
 Tests our self-esteem  take it as an advantage for personal growth; other people’s views do
not describe you who you are as a whole human person

Mortejo, Castanares, Damson, Fiel, Octobre, Bitaizar, roblo

 Descartes

Yuag
 Kant

Estrada:
 Kant

Genese, Cagang, Celso, Bacas, Pacatang, Ampuan, aclan, autor, del munod, Segovia, allilin, digamon,
kant
 Kant
Which philosopher? Danger?
 Descartes  Compromise wellbeing
 Kant – emphasize freedom and choice to  Dangerous to have other people’s
do what is right; so are we free to employ opinions guide your life
strengths  Positive / negative consequences
 Hume – empiricist; base it on experience depending on what and how it is
perceived (e.g. compliments, teasing)
 Varga: Thus, love yourself. No one can
ever taint the way you judge yourself if
you know your self-worth. My value
doesn’t decrease based on someone’s
inability to see my worth.
 Mangubat: Know yourself more. Do not
let other people ruin your perspective of
your own self. But always remember to
keep in mind our moral responsibility as a
person.
 Use it as motivation to keep going on…
instead of using it to bring yourself down.
 Mortejo: I have no control over how
people see me  tendency of pleasing
others but this should not be the case 
we change for ourselves  boost
confidence, attract opportunities and
adopt to situations and become more
happy
 Yuag: I believe that in order for us to not
rely on what other people see us, we
should be able to appreciate ourselves
more and think that we will never be
anyone's opinion. Based on the theory of
Charles Cooley on the "Looking Glass
Self", at most times the one who really
influences us is not the people around us,
but instead ourselves who overthink
what we think the opinion of other
people to us.
 Lagutin: we become someone we don’t
know… I recommend that you allot more
time truly knowing yourself. Allocate
time to discover new hobbies, hang out
with a friend, spend time doing things
that you love, and do activities that spark
you joy. Lastly, we must learn to love and
value ourselves.
 Genese: One way to deal with this the
next time is to not let what others think
 about you get to you. Your self-
perception must not base on how others
view you. We must put in mind that how
we perceive ourselves only depends on
us and no one else. We should be
reminded to do “you” for you.
 Estrada: because some of it might not be
true and your only destroying yourself
because of this judgement
 Cagang: believe only to significant people
since the know us (as in Mead)
 Celso: we might be forced to change if
we think of what other people thinks of
us
 Castanares: Can be draining… Next time, I
should stop basing myself on others'
views and do what makes me happy and
eager to continue my journey.
 Bacas: I do not need to judge myself
based on how I think others see me. I will
try my very best to not be hard on myself
and not live by expectations and
perceptions of me, as I know myself
better than anyone else.
 Pacatang: can make you feel insecure 
become more vulnerable, more sad,
depressed even… what to do? be self
aware as it helps you to stop and ponder
on the things you feel, slowly and surely
be more curious or open about your
feelings and the feelings of other people,
and lastly is to really practice on working
on oneself as it is a very slow process but
one that can really helps turn ones life
around
 Refugio: question self-worth… need to
evaluate selves more rather than seeing
the expectations of others on us
 You have a choice on who to listen to.
 It depends.
 Fiel: That is why accepting yourself is a
must so that no one can decide how you
should view yourself as a person.
 We cant please everyone. Know your
strengths and weaknesses. When you
know yourself, less likely to be affected
by other’s judgment.
  Your feelings are valid.
 Self-love

YC1
 Mostly Kant, a few Descartes, a number hume
 There were some that used different strength per philosopher
 Some went over their way and applied concepts as much as they can – sociology was mixed in
philo short answer
 Some already went far ahead and even used psychological theories in applying to Leni’s case

YC 1 Forum
Kant - Fatal – if you can be kind to others you
- Maglinte, Valledor, ong, dampog, can also be kind to yourself
mondigo, ang, noor arain, carangcarang, - Discovery as process
pabilona, yortas, casiple, cocamas, - Normal to be self-conscious
mapandi, cabanlas, albasin, tanio - Acting out of character to “fit in”
Descartes - Disturbing feeling
- Llorico, Palmes, chan, lustado, amantiad, - Communication is key
enerio, artazo - Cant please other people – focus on own
growth
Hume - Self-criticism  shame and guilt
- Solaiman, aparece, cabatingan - Approval of other people
- Valledor: o live a truly fulfilling life, you
must aim to live a life you’re proud of
- Constructive criticism – don’t necessarily
shut your ears off?
- “Losing coordinates” – we don’t even
know what we want
- Overthinking and losing confidence
- You are strong!
- Be watchful or cautious of what we say
to others! – we don’t know if we have
already hurt
- Natural for others to have opinion, up to
you to accept them
- It will take time to grow, love, and
accept yourself
- Feeling suffocated, feeling fake
- Focus on yourself
- We get suspicious when other people
comment on ourselves
- You get fatigued, you get tired
Dr. Seuss  “Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.” This quote, by
Theodor Seuss Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss), is about being yourself and not being too preoccupied
with what others think. Ultimately, the people who don’t mind your quirks and flaws–those who
accept and appreciate you for who you are–are the ones who do matter.

What does it mean for you… to be true to yourself? What do you think about the phrase, “Just
be yourself.”?

What is the most appealing or interesting thing you encountered in the module?
Can you recall a similar incident which the experience brings up?

How do other people describe you? What are the things that they say, and do you agree or
disagree with them?

Were there any instances where what they think of you is not similar to how you understand
yourself?

What do you usually think about of yourself?

How do you feel whenever you judge yourself based on how you think other people perceive
you?
How or when does it help when you think of other peoples perception of you?
How or when does it not help when you think of other peoples perception of you?

When is it difficult to be yourself? When is it easiest to be yourself?

How has your thinking changed about your present self?

How do you use knowledge meaningfully?
How do you measure growth and find areas for further studies?
E1B1

Descartes – Kian, Philip, Luy, estipona, cosadio Affects self-esteem; overthinking and attack
Kant – Saavedra, Galleon, ramos, padilla, one’s confidence
mangadlao, pantonial, Destroys; powerless; making other people
Hume – Eslit, Adil, Anunciado, cupay, cezar, happy; pleasing them
racines, bulatao Their own judgment became one’s own
judgment
Other people’s expectations – burnout, tired,
limiting, alone
Can be discouraging
Depends – positive or negative assumption
Affects mental health
Insecurities
Makes me want to judge other people too –
cyclical!
Misunderstandings
Pressure
Beneficial vs. restricting
Hating oneself
We wont be able to realize potentials and
capabilities… even purpose
Mental health issues
Can sometimes be a motivation
Hinders development
Think of unimportant things – doubt you
capabilities, etc.

NEXT TIME
Connecting with the self
Other people will always judge – make self
apriority
Take a step back, rest, and reflect
Mindfulness, self-inquiry
Accepting the self
Reaching out to other people
Ask for explanations! Communication is key
Just be who you are?
Okay to listen but know better
Focus on the self and be mindful of what I say to
others
Not too late to discover who you are
Surround yourself with genuine friends
Be positive. Smile.
Never reciprocate the pain you experienced to
other people
Surround yourself with people who truly loves
you and embraces your flaws
 Mindfulness practice
Be kind and appreciate yourself

YC 1
Descartes – Vergara, Carbajal, Pitogo, Lobregas, Consequences
Lorejo, Duman-ag, Abao, Lamparas, Aboniawan, Exhausting
Lagrosas, Dalman, De leon, gante, gomera, Will never know who you really are
pague, Boost self-esteem? Discovering something about
Hume - Gante yourself?
Kant – Nacalaban, Diamel, Rheaume, Assessor, Two way effect?
Acejo, Laquio, Labarda, Alaba, Pizarro, Filomeno, Negative thoughts and activating insecurities
dela torre, Valencia, go, casenas, abroguena, Self-esteem and confidence
Not genuine… Pretentious…
Narcissism and self-hatred; inflation of ego or
doubting oneself
Toll on mental health
Forget to appreciate and love yourself
Desperation and fear of making mistakes
Assumptions aren’t always true
Misconceptions about the self
Constantly seeking external validation
Suffocating.. discouraging
Normal to be self-conscious
Self-doubt
Harmful… loss of identity
Anxiety
Self-deprecation
Validation from the wrong location
Motivation

Next time…
Awareness that you are doing it
Believing in your own worth
Focusing on yourself
Just be yourself…
Reach out to people who appreciate the real and
true me
Honest evaluation of your values and actions
A process
Take a break and rest
Know your capabilities
Can listen to to other people – but you take on it
yourself if you let it get to you
Self-acceptance and self-love
Have courage and strength
Do what you love – society will always have
 something to say
Spending time alone
Communication is key
Practice at your own pace; pick up
behaviors/beliefs that matter to you

CCA1

Descartes – Consequences?
Hume – Not a good practice – lowers self esteem; hinder
Kant - happiness
Misunderstanding
Lowers self-esteem, self-confidence
Uncomfortable
Only just an assumption – wrong assumptions
Will make you desire more when you’re already
at your best
Limits potential and lowers self-esteem
No consequences? – I judge myself – if you know
yourself
Adjust and improve oneself in an ideal way
Stress
Weighs you down
Adverse effects
Unnecessary pain – will cause trouble
Suffering – internalizing pain
Toll on the mental health
Ruin relationships
Insecurities
Dependency on other people
Dangerous
Detrimental to happiness
Miserable
Detrimental
Depletes your morale
Overthinking
Depressed
Allows you to reflect on yourself – grow into a
better person and better fit in society and create
connections

Next time…
Needs to communicate to avoid
misunderstanding
Be yourself
Communication is key
Be comfortable – let yourself be “revealed”
Neglect negative things
Love yourself
Avoid being affected and focus on proper
judgment of self
Think positively and move forward
Be open to what they say but don’t take it
personally. Take in those that help you become
better
Don’t dwell on toxic judgments
Thinking about yourself independently
Don’t care much or clarify with others
“And we cannot give care to others if we don't
take care enough our very own self first.”
Check and balance
We should always be open to criticisms, they
allow us to grow and learn from the mistakes we
made. You know yourself better than anyone
else, think positively, constantly strive to do your
best, and follow your dreams.
Free yourself?
Use it as a chance to better oneself
Use it as a chance to change for better or to
correct
Creating a safe space
Self-love and acceptance
Embrace and accept yourself – know yourself
better
Pat yourself on the back
Clarify with the person and be open to new ideas