Men’s Ministry Building Balanced Four Pillared Men

Finishing Strong
The Ambush of Adultery

"Truth is heavy, so few men carry it."(Jewish Proverb)

 Approximately 1 in 10 young men who start out zealous for the Lord and in 'full
time' ministry actually finish strong! Along the way they fall prey to the enemy's
ambushes.
 Listen to this sad story:

"John Bisagno has been pastoring First Baptist of Houston for a number of years. When
John was about to finish college, he was having dinner at his fiancée’s house one night.
After supper, he was talking with his future father in law, Dr Paul Beck, out on the
porch.Dr Beck had been in ministry for years, and that was inevitably the subject toward
which the conversation turned.

"John, as you get ready to enter the ministry, I want to give you some advice." Dr Beck
told the younger man. “Stay true to Jesus. Make sure that you keep your heart true to
Jesus everyday. It’s a long way from here to where you are going to go, and Satan's in no
hurry to get you." The older man continued. “It has been my observation that just one
out of ten who start out in full time service for the Lord at 21 are still on track by the age
of 65.They get shot down morally, they’re shot down with discouragement, they’re are
shot down with liberal theology, they get obsessed with making money...but for one
reason or another 9 out of the 10 fall out." The 20 year old Bisagno was shocked, “I just
can't believe that!" he said "That's impossible! That just can't be true."

Bisagno told how he went home, how he took one of those blank pages in the back of his
Scoffield Reference bible and wrote down the names of 24 young men who were his peers
and contemporaries. These were young men in their twenties that were sold out for Jesus
Christ. They were trained for ministry and burning in their desire to be used of the Lord.
These were the committed young preachers who would make an impact for the Lord in
their generation. Bisagno relates the following with a sigh: “I am now 53 years old.
From time to time as the years have gone by I've had to turn back to that page in my
bible and cross out a name. I wrote down those 24 names when I was just 20 years of
age.33 years later, there are only 3 names remaining of the original 24."

In the christian life, it’s not how you start that matters. It’s how you finish." (Steve
Farrar, Finishing Strong, pg15)

 And what is the main way Satan knocks out 9 of those 10 men? What is the chief
ambush to watch out for?

"Satan's all-time,Numero Uno,time proven tactic for snaring men and keeping them from
finishing strong is sexual immorality. And the statistics prove it." (Steve Farrar)

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 Listen to this tragic tale of a knock out due to adultery:

"I woke up with a start. Outside it was still dark. I had been dreaming again, but it was
not the usual fuzzy type. The dream had been so vivid: A man's hand grasping the gun,
his finger ready on the trigger. It was all so clear. Although I had not seen his face, I
knew whose hand it was. A cold shiver ran up my spine as I pulled the blankets closer
about my neck and tried to get back to sleep.

A few days later the phone rang. It was Maurice, the man in my dream."Barney,I need to
see you urgently; could you come to our house as soon as possible?" "Sure I can,” I
responded and then proceeded to relate to him my dream, ending with, “and the hand
holding the gun was yours.” He gasped audibly, then his voice quivering with emotion,
he said, “If you knew how many times during the past weeks i have put a gun to my head,
you would be amazed. I just didn’t have the guts to pull the trigger."

Who was Maurice? An ex-convict? A drug addict? A member of an armed gang? No! He
had been a Baptist pastor with a very successful ministry. He was a good preacher with a
vibrant personality. On Sunday mornings his church service was packed. Married with
two children, he had everything going for him-at least until Liza came on the scene.

She was sixteen years old and had run away from home because she was terrified of her
mother-a spiritualist medium. So with no home and no one to care for her, room was
made for her at the Baptist manse. Six months later Maurice abandoned his loving wife
and precious children and took off with Liza.It wasn't long before they had a baby.8
months later a second one arrived.Finally, Maurice obtained a divorce and married
Liza.At this point they moved to Basingstoke. They came to a few of our services but it
was too much for Liza; they stopped coming because she wept uncontrollably through
each meeting. Months had passed without seeing them until the telephone call. I
immediately drove to their home, mulling over in my mind what I might say when i got
there. If God had taken the trouble to warn me in a dream, surely he hadn't given up on
Maurice. Coupled with this I had a deep sense that there was some deep cause of
Maurice’s' weakness lurking into his past; some major infection that existed long before
Liza came into his life. As I drove along, I lifted my heart to the Lord for the key that
would unlock the situation; gradually a clear impression settled in my mind. Something
had happened to Maurice when he was a young teenager that had severely damaged him.
I was convinced it was irreparable unless God supernaturally intervened. It had been a
time bomb, slowly ticking away until it exploded.

On my arrival he further explained why he had turned suicidal.Liza had found a new
lover: in fact it was a neighbor just a few houses away. He was even willing ,if necessary
share to share her but she had made it clear she wanted to leave him now and move in
permanently with the other man. I couldn't believe my ears. Maurice had fallen from
sherparding God's people to sharing his wife with another man. It was incomprehensible.
Even as I write I cannot help but feel dismay. How could a man throw away the high and
holy privilege of serving the Lord of heaven and earth, not to mention forfeiting all the

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promised blessings of the age to come, for just a few fleeting moments of sexual
pleasure? It is beyond my understanding, yet we mortals seem to go on destroying our
lives and ministry needlessly.

I related to Maurice my prayer asking God for the key and the subsequent revelation
concerning his youth. This was his response. At 13 he began attending a large
evangelical Baptist church and soon responded to an appeal to receive Christ as his
Saviour.The man who counselled him was the church organist; unfortunately he was also
a practicing homesexual.After Maurice had finished praying he seduced the lad into
committing a sexual act. They continued a homosexual relationship right up to his
entrance into Bible College, which meant eight years' indulgence in gross sin. Satan had
successfully ensnared a young man, creating in him a character fault which, left
uncorrected, was to rob him constantly of his joy in the Lord as the Accuser relentlessly
reminded him of his guilty past. Sadly Maurice rejected my offer of help and friendship."
(Barney Coombs, Practical Pastoring,pg50)

 Steve Farrar tells another sobering tale:

"I remember having a lunch conversation several years ago with a very successful,
married 30 something guy who was an active member of a very solid, Evangelical church
in the city. He had just read my book, “Point Man" and posed this question to me, “Why
did you spend at least 100 pages of your book discussing sexual temptation?”He asked
the question although it was a passing curiosity to him. “Because I think sexual
temptation is the number one issue in the lives of most men, and I think it's the primary
way that the enemy picks off Christian men.” I replied. “Do you really believe it's that
serious a problem?" He asked. “Yes, i do. I think its epidemic.” I got the distinct
impression he found that hard to believe.

Six months later, a prominent married woman in that church turned up- pregnant by the
man that asked me that question. And it wasn't his wife. She was another guys' wife."
(Finishing Strong, pg71)

 Consider these horrifying statistics and true story about pornography at a

Christian conference:

"In regard to pornography, 41% of all men reported having done one of the following in
the last twelve month : watching an X-rated movie, visiting a club with semi-nude or
nude dancers, purchasing sexually explicit books,magazines,erotic devices or sex toys, or
calling a sex phone number.

But of course, those statistics have no relationship to Christians who believe in the
authority of the bible, are pro-life and are committed to their families, right? Think
again. A number of years ago a national conference for church youth directors was held
at a major hotel in a city in the mid west. Youth pastors by the hundreds flooded into that
hotel and took nearly every room. At the conclusion of the conference, the hotel manager
told the conference administrator that the number of guests who tuned into the adult
movie channel broke the previous record, far and away outdoing any other convention in

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the history of the hotel." (Finishing Strong, pg 72)

Adultery Insurance?
 The central issue in insurance is risk. If you were to approach an insurance
company about being insured about committing adultery, how likely is it that they
would give you insurance? How at risk are you?
 Dr Howard Hendricks surveyed 246 men who were in the ministry and fell into
adultery within a 2 year period of time. He found 4 correlations between all of
them:

1. None were involved in any kind of personal accountability group.

2. None were having a daily time of prayer, scripture reading and worship.
3. Over 80% of them became sexually involved with another woman as a result of
counseling them. In other words, they were spending significant amounts of time with
women other than their wives.
4. Without exception, each of the 246 had been convinced that moral failure “will never
happen to me."

 We need to ask ourselves:

1. Do you spend personal time with the Lord in prayer and Bible reading at least 3 times
a week?
2. Are there at least one or two men in your life with whom you have built friendship
based on trust, confidentiality, and accountability?
3. Are you currently spending significant time with any attractive woman other than your
wife?
4. Are you absolutely sure that you could never fall?

 If you answered:

1 wrong answer=moderate risk

2 wrong answers=serious risk
3 wrong answers=severe risk
4 wrong answers=dead meat!

 What level of risk are you at? What are you going to do to reduce that risk?
 If you are in the last category, it is not a question of if you will commit adultery
but when will you commit adultery. No 'moral' insurance company would even
consider insuring you! You are beyond risk-you are a certain casualty!

The danger areas

 Barney Coombs mentions 3 danger areas; spiritual affinity,conselling &

familiarity (which may be better described as intimacy).He does such a good job
that I will quote the entire extract:

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"I'd like to show three main areas of danger:

Spiritual Affinity

The first one and probably the most deceptive is spiritual affinity.Sertorious Capula a
Catholic father made this telling point:

"The devil first endeavours to infuse a love for the virtue of the individual and thus
inspires a security that there is no danger. He then excites sentiments of affection for the
person and afterwards tempts to sin and thus he causes great havoc."

Saint Thomas said:

"Although carnal affection is dangerous to all, it is yet more so for those that associate
with persons who seem to be spiritual, for even though the beginning is pure frequent
familiarity is dangerous and the more the familiarity increases the more the first motive
is weakened and purity is defiled. The devil knows well how to conceal danger. In the
beginning he sends out poison darts but only those that inflict slight wounds and kindle
an affection. However in a short time the persons begin to act toward each other not like
angels as in the beginning but like beings clothed with flesh. The looks are not immodest
but they are frequent and reciprocal, their words appear to be spiritual but are too
affectionate. Each begins frequently to desire the company of the other."

Involvement in intercession, the participation of musicians and singers in praise and

worship ministry and ministry in deliverance are some of the godly activities where many
believers have fallen prey to the Enemy.

Counseling

The second danger is that of counselling.Repeated counseling sessions with wives of

troublesome unbelieving husbands or single women (especially those recently divorced
or widowed) provide unbelievable opportunities for the devil to trap an unsuspecting
leader. Sid Cheal, a real father in the faith advised "never to give lifts to women when
you are alone unless it is absolutely necessary." and "Never counsel women alone. If its
unavoidable, always leave the door ajar.

Familiarity [intimacy]

Familiarity with lady members of staff is very a dangerous past time.St Bernhard once
wrote, “To be familiar with a woman and to preserve chastity requires greater virtue
than to raise a dead man to life."

The sharing of marriage difficulties and other family concerns, lunch with your secretary
or suggestive or flippant remarks provides a conducive atmosphere for the devil to strike
a lethal blow. Lyndon K McDowell, writing in the USA magazine 'Ministry' on the

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dynamics of ministerial morailty, said

"When any two people of the opposite sex work closely together sexual feelings will
almost inevitably be aroused." (Practical Pastoring, pg55-57)

 We would do well to be very careful of these three areas which are treacherous
seas to the ship of our faith.

Time Bombs

 Avoiding these three pitfalls may be hard enough on its own, but if you add the
fact that many people have hidden time bombs ticking away; it makes for an even
more combustible combination
 What is a time bomb? It is a fuse line or fault line-a character weakness,
unresolved issue or propensity to sin that we have. These problems may not be
immediately evident but with time will explode, wrecking our lives. Examples of
time bombs are an addiction to pornography, a deep insecurity that makes you
look to women for affirmation, or bitterness and self pity that looks to illicit sex as
comfort.
 Listen to these excellent quotes by a seasoned apostle:

"Jimmy Swaggart world renowned TV Evangelist, having been caught with a prostitute,
blamed his fall and subsequent public disgrace on a secret addiction to pornography that
constantly dogged his life from his early teens. It had been a time bomb slowly ticking
away for over 30 years."

"We tend either to be impressed or threatened by one another's outward success. Yet how
many superstars, not to mention the rest of us ordinary mortals, have hidden time bombs
ticking away waiting for Satan to detonate them?"

"The christian world is fairly competent at training people academically and

theologically but we are not so good at disciplining them in godly character. I have
become overwhelmingly convinced that before a man is recognized and released into
responsible leadership he needs to have been properly and carefully discipled.This
entails the discovering and defusing of time bombs in a mans character. It also means
that character weaknesses are identified and dealt with." (Barney Coombs)

The world, the flesh & the devil

 This is the terrible trio we all have to face in life! Some people may think that
they are safe-"I don’t have any time bombs ticking away"-but the fact is we don't
need some unresolved issue from the past to shipwreck us! Any one of these three
can do it.

"Not everyone who falls morally has some deep character fault or time bomb ticking
away waiting to explode. No one is excluded from the magnetic pull of sin." (Barney

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Coombs)

 The world is the enticing culture around us that is always promoting

sensuousness, lust and illicit sex (1Jn2:16).The devil is our sworn enemy who
constantly tempts us to sin (Gen3:1-5).and our flesh is that part of our fallen
nature, our sinful nature that we will carry to the grave (Gal 5:24, Col 3:5).
 Once when I was relating to a friend how a christian leader had fallen into
adultery, he responded, “There is a devil out there!" To which I replied, “And a
sinful nature inside." The point that was made was that we have enemies without
and within-and the ones within are worse! No matter how much someone has
gone up the mountain of God, or how great their history of holiness, they still
carry their worst enemies within them-the evil desires of the flesh, the sinful
tendencies that have to be put to death daily
 Regardless of who we are, there is no room for complacency. We must be vigilant
and guarded.

"Beware of no man than yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us." (Charles
Haddon Spurgeon)

"There is a devil out there and a sinful nature inside."

3 Types of adultery

 There seem to be 3 types of adulterous affairs:

1. One night stand or fling while traveling-generally with someone you don't know well,
who may not be a christian and it's purely lustful. It is based on physical attraction and is
entirely selfish. There is no long term relationship.
2. With a co-worker-someone you spend a lot of time with and you gradually get too
close until you cross lines and eventually fall into adultery.
3. With an 'ideal woman'-someone you may or may not work with who is just what you
like: good looking, great figure, a strong christian, you can talk to for hours, you have a
lot in common and you really admire. There is 'chemistry' and a strong attraction spirit,
soul and body.

 The last two types are more dangerous to the christian because they may be subtle
at first and 'sneak up' on the person. This is because there are other factors at work
apart from just lust, such as friendship,admiration,shared visions and dreams,
godly activities,etc
 These good factors may cause the man and woman involved, as well as their
friends, to justify the growing relationship and be a cover for more sinister
motives.

3 stages of adultery

"Once christians,especially committed believers, believe they are immune, they easily

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deny that they are being tempted. The greater the denial, the easier the deception. Little
compromises sneak up on them. They treat the snakes as if they were domesticated and
no threat at all. In fact, they may not recognize danger until its too late." (Charles
Mylander)

 Many christians do not realize how endangered they are. Their false sense of
security and immunity lulls them into complacency instead of vigilance and
guarding their hearts. This attitude is extremely dangerous!
 From speaking to people who have fallen into sexual sin they often say. “I never
thought this would happen!"

1 Cor 10:12
So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

 The other big danger is they overestimate the resistance that the other person will
give them. They think the other person is not interested in them, or will draw the
boundaries, and so they allow the relationship to grow into sin without applying
any brakes.
 There are 3 stages that people pass through before they commit adultery:

1. Conservation stage

 In this stage the person really listens to them, or they to them. And there is lots of
tender talk-and this is generally not happening in the marriage
 There is emotional delight in one another and innocent touching
 A good warning is:"If you are looking forward to the next hug you're in trouble!

2. Frienship stage

 In this stage the two are getting close but claim, ‘we are just good friends.’ They
are living in denial and deception
 This intimate friendship then grows to the very dangerous next stage

3. Belonging stage

 The couple spend hidden time together-unknown to the spouse and covenant
brothers
 These secret times together are covered up by half truths and lies
 The two exchange phone calls, sms’, emails, cards, notes and gifts-as well as
intimate talks and looks. The two become increasingly engrossed in each other
and are constantly on each others minds
 The emotional pressure and physical temptation now feel overwhelming. Warning
lights are flashing red. Alarm bells are ringing loudly. The couple(what they are
now)may even be warned by friends about impending danger: but they don't care.
They are intoxicated with lust and infatuation
 Very soon they begin touching inappropriately and it quickly spirals out of control

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 into sexual intercourse

 Eventually the adulterers are found out-your sin will always find you out
 Very often the adultery ends in heartache, shame and divorce. We read of the
tragic end of the adulterer in Prov 5-7

Prov5:3-5
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the
end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double edged sword.5 Her feet go down to death: her
steps lead straight to the grave.

Prov5:8-14
Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you give your
best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your
wealth and your toil enrich another man's house.11 At the end of your life you will
groan, when your flesh and body are spent.12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or listen to my
instructors.14 I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly."

Prov6:25-35
Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, 26 for
the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very
life.27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? 28 Can a man
walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? 29 So is he who sleeps with another
man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished 30 Men do not despise a thief if
he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving,31 Yet when he is caught, he must pay
seven fold, though it cost him the wealth of his house. 32 But a man who commits
adultery lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself. 33 Blows and disgrace are
his lot and his shame will never be wiped away; 34 for jealousy arouses a husbands fury,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. 35 He will not accept any
compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is

Prov7:21-27
With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk 22 All
at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaugther,like a deer stepping into a noose
23 till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will
cost him his life. 24 Now then, my sons listen to me: pay attention to what I say. 25 Do
not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. 26 Many are the victims she
has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. 27 Her house is a highway to the
grave, leading down to the chambers of death.

Times of vulnerability

 We need to be aware of the vulnerable times in our lives. In these times we are
more susceptible to committing adultery:

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*Loneliness
*Boredom
*Stress
*Disappointment
*Self-pity
*Complacency-believing that you have graduated from the basics and are beyond
temptation
*Life transitions-especially ones that make you insecure e.g. mid life crisis
*Traveling
*pornography
*Unresolved past sexual problems
*Marriage problems-sexual, financial, conversational, etc

Intentionally finishing strong

 What makes you think you will be the 1 in 10 who finishes strong? When it
comes to finishing strong, the odds are against you. If you do, you will be the
exception! If you are going to be the exception you re going to have to be
intentional, Deliberate, Determined.
 First you must want to finish strong and then you must make some tough
decisions so that you make it
 Consider this radical action taken by a man who wanted to finish strong:

A friend of mine, who was a christian leader but secularly employed as a manager, was
traveling with a lady (also a manager) to their company's three day residential
conference. She also happened to be a fellow christian.Half way along the journey she
began to express her attraction for him until finally she placed her hand on his knee. He
stopped the car at the next petrol station explaining that he needed to make a telephone
call. As they recommenced their journey she asked him if the telephone call had been
urgent."Oh yes," he replied, “Very urgent, I needed to telephone my pastor to tell him
there was a lady in my car who was trying to seduce me. I needed him to pray for me.”
The atmosphere grew strangely cool and a dangerous situation was averted.

Some people may protest the problem as being overstated. I wish that were the case.
Evangelicals retain the notion that moral failures exist to a much greater degree among
the Liberals. Pentecostals think they are far more prevalent among the
Charismatics.Sadly, it appears that sin knows no theological or denominational
boundaries. ‘Leadership", an American magazine for Christian leaders, surveyed the
readers regarding moral issues:

61% said they fantasized about having sex with someone other than their wives
25% said that this happened daily or at least weekly
23% said that they'd engaged in some form of sexual activity with someone other than
their wife since becoming a leader
12% said it was adultery
39% thought their fantasizing was harmless.(Practical Pastoring,pg54)

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 If we are not going to fall into the ambush of adultery, we must keep an
appropriate distance from other women-both emotionally and physically
 The story is told by a Haitian pastor of the danger of giving the devil any hold,
however small in our life:

In the story a man wanted to sell his house for $2000 but a poor man wanted to buy it but
only had $1000.Eventually after much negotiation, the owner agreed to sell the house so
long he still owned a large nail protruding from the front door. Sometime later, the old
owner came back and demanded that the poor man sell the house back to him.Natuarally,
the man disagreed and refused to sell. The old owner then went and found a dead dog and
came and hung it from the nail above the front door. Eventually the smell of corrupt,
rotting flesh was too much to bear and the poor man sold the house back to the old
owner. The moral of the story-don't allow the devil even one inch in your life!

Eph 4:27
And do not give the devil a foothold.

 If we give one nail to the enemy, he will use it for maximum advantage. Be
ruthless!

The Golden Rules

 Barney Coombs gives the following 'Golden Rules' or 'nails' to avoid:

"I highly commend you for your careful consideration of the seven golden rules:

1. Never exchange intimate details with a person of the opposite sex other than your wife.
2. Never put your arm around a woman other than your wife or daughter.
Psychologically you are offering them security that just happens to answer one of the
deepest needs a woman has. [This is not referring to giving a hug, but standing or
walking with your arm around a woman for a protracted period of time.]
3. Never counsel a woman alone. If that’s not possible, keep the door of the room slightly
open
4. Never give lifts to a woman unless she is old enough to be your mother or if its a
matter of urgency. If possible give your wife a telephone call to let her know what is
happening, it all helps to keep things in the light.
5. Always ensure your own marriage is in a healthy state-which includes enjoying each
other in bed

Prov5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving
doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by
her love.

6. Always deals ruthlessly with any character fault and without fail confess your

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problems to a trusted friend. Ask him to hold you to strict account for your daily actions
and temptations.
7. Whenever you find yourself repeatedly thinking about another woman and enjoying
the thought, always seek help from a trusted friend, preferably someone you recognize as
having spiritual authority in your life. This applies whether the thoughts are holy or not.
It may be that you find yourself longing for their company for whatever reason your
heart may conjure up; or you may find yourself exchanging glances with her.Recognise
that you are on dangerous rocks that will wreck your life,marriage,family and ministry-
unless you take evasive action"(Practical Pastoring,pg57)

A model to follow

 Millie Dienert,who worked for 40 years with Billy Graham team gives his
wonderful testimony

"I have always appreciated from a moral point of view, how the men have been in their
attitudes towards the secretaries. The doors are always left open. There is a high regard
for the lack of any kind of privacy where a boss and secretary are involved. At times, I
thought they were going a little too far that it wasn't necesary, but I’m glad they did it
especially today. They have kept everything above reproach. When you are working on a
long term basis with same person, constantly, in hotels, where the wife is not there and
the secretary is, that is a highly explosive situation. You have to take precautions. I have
always respected the way they have handled that. It has been beautifully done."

 May we all receive the same praise at the end of our lives-"It has been beautifully
done."

*This is our promise; we can finish strong-if we respond now and make the right
decisions. Let’s take action.

Acknowledgements
Most of the material for this teaching was taken from the following two books and a few from the third
book:

Finishing strong-Steve Farrar

Practical Pastoring_Barney Coombs
The Christ-centered Marriage-Charles Mylander & Ned T.Anderson

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