Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.

com 1

Hansel & Gretel READER: Welcome! The _____your

group__________ is happy to perform the
and the Creepy Woods story of
Hansel and Gretel and the Creeeepy Woods,
3 Elves/11 Actors + Creatures version
as adapted by Jeannette Jay-quish.
by Jeannette Jaquish
(c) 2005, 2011, 2015 Jeannette Jaquish So sit back, and enjoy the show!

www.theaterfunscripts.com Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there

[email protected] lived a brother and sister named Hansel
Offered for free performance use by J. Jaquish, if she is and Gretel.
notified.

HANSEL: I’m Hansel.

READER GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL HANSEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
GRETEL
STEPMOM READER: Yes, just as I said. They lived in a
FATHER cottage in the woods with..
Optional CREEPY CREATURES
(can be played by Elves or Frog and Dog): HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!

(FATHER ENTERS, then STEPMOTHER.)

WITCH READER: Enough! They lived in a cottage in

ELF 1 - Bossy the woods with their father who loved them
ELF 2 - Whiny very much, and their stepmother who had
ELF 3 - SNEEZY – Actions but no lines her sanity to consider.
FAIRY DOG MOTHER
FAIRY FROG MOTHER STEPMOM : Husband! Your children are
driving me crazy. I’m Hansel! I’m Gretel!
(PROPS: Big pot, potato & carrot, 2 hankies for Take them into the woods and leave them!
Sneezy. Dog’s & Frog’s wands optional.)
FATHER : But, Darling, they’ll get hungry.
----------------------------------------------------------
Other Cast Size Variations Exist - ask J Jaquish STEPMOM : Don’t worry. A nice witch will
-How to reduce the number of actors: feed them gingerbread.
Reader may be played by the Director
Stepmom and Father can play Dog and Frog FATHER : Oh. They like gingerbread. OK!
with quick costume change at end Come on kids!
Elves can play Forest Creatures
Cut Elves - Ask J. Jaquish for a version for fewer READER: So the stereotypically clueless father
actors. took Hansel and Gretel far far away and left
-How to add actors: them. However, he made one mistake.
Forest Creatures, as many as you like Instead of taking them out into the
Ask Jeannette to write you more Elf parts WOODS...
Give the Witch a Pet
Give Hansel and Gretel a pet or sibling GRETEL: Why did Daddy leave us in the weeds?
Use multiple Readers
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 2
HANSEL: Ow! It’s all stickery. FATHER : But they’ll get hungry.

READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around in STEPMOM : Don’t worry. Seven little dwarves
the prickly stickly weeds waiting for their will feed them.
father.
GRETEL: Ow! FATHER : Oh. They’d like that. OK! Come on,
HANSEL: Ow! kids!
GRETEL: Ow! (STEPMOTHER EXITS.
HANSEL: Ow! FATHER leads H&G through the audience.
CURTAIN CLOSES - change set.)
READER: Finally, Gretel realized he was not
coming back. READER: So their father took them
ooooooooover the hill ... and through
GRETEL: Daddy is not coming back! How will twisted, scary trees.. past the dens of
we find our way back to our house? hideous, smelly, unsupervised creatures,
who watched them as they passed (children
HANSEL: Look, it’s right over there. You can look at audience fearfully)..... to a clearing.
see it! Their father patted them on the head, and
gave them some words of wisdom.
READER: So they walked home and jumped on
the couch and got stickers all over it. FATHER: Say hello to Sneezy for me. Bye
kids! (EXITS)
(JUMPING)
HANSEL: I’m Hansel! Hansel! Hansel! READER: Their father headed home wishing
GRETEL: I’m Gretel! Gretel! Gretel! HE was going to have gingerbread for
breakfast.
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel! Hansel!
Hansel! and Gretel! Gretel! Gretel!! FATHER: Mmmm... gingerbread. (EXITS)

READER: Their stepmother heard the noise READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around as
and came out to see. the forest got darker and darker.

STEPMOM: Ohhhh, they’re back. HANSEL (scared): I’m Hansel.

READER: Their stepmother had a splitting GRETEL (scared): I’m Gretel.

headache when she called her husband.
(ELVES or CREATURES do sound FX:)
STEPMOM : HUSBAND!
READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around as
FATHER: Yes, dear? the forest got darker and darker.
The crickets chirped. (Elves chirp.)
READER: She told him where to take those The owls hooted. (Elves hoot.)
noisy children. The moon came out. (Elves sing “Aaaah!”.)
The wolves howled. (Elves howl.)
STEPMOM : Take those noisy children over (You may skip the next song, and go to the next
the hill and deep into the forest and leave page.)
them!
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 3
Optional Song & Page:
HUDDLE CLOSER (0:47 to 0:51 violin surge)
DANCE OF THE SCARY CREATURES
GRETEL - Something flew across the
(MUSIC UP: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, by
Tchaikovsky, performed by Kevin MacLeod -- moonlight.
1min 47 sec.) (0:51 to 0:54 violas - no singing)
(Bolder bigger Creature movements.)
READER: Hansel and Gretel began to realize (0:54 to 1:00 violin surge)
the danger they were in. HANSEL - I hear breathing, I smell
danger, I can’t stay awaaaake.
HANSEL (shivering): I’m Hansel. . . .
GRETEL (shivering): I’m Gretel. . . .
(1:00 - dreamy glockenspiel
(CREATURES Enter, creeping closer to Hansel & - HANSEL & GRETEL slump to the ground
Gretel who look genuinely afraid.) asleep.
CREATURES slowly circle, facing in, then out,
(start singing as glockenspiel begins) claws up. Witch lurks near.)
READER:
Huddle closer, Children, WITCH & READER:
in the Woods, Huddle closer, Children,
in the Woods, in the Woods,
in the Woods, in the Woods,
Very far from home. in the Woods,
(Oboe descends) Very far from home.
WITCH (entering): (Oboe descends)
It is getting darker, There are dark things, lurking,
in the Woods, in the Woods,
in the Woods, in the Woods,
in the Woods, in the Woods,
You are all alone; Eat you to the bone;
(Oboe descends) (Oboe descends)
READER:
Silly children, wake up, READER & CREATURES-protective pose:
You don’t know, Silly children, sleeping,
you don’t know, We will stay,
you don’t know, We will watch,
What is in the woods. We will fight,
Build a fire, Climb higher, What is in the woods.
Find a way to, SURVIVE! (WITCH sneaks toward Hansel & Gretel)
With our sharp teeth (snap teeth),
(0:40 to 0:47 strong violins, then violas - With our long claws (slash claws),
CREATURES reach stage, flit across.) We will help you, SURVIVE!
HANSEL - Do you hear the branches Rahhrr!
breaking? (CREATURES Chase Witch -EXIT!)
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 4
READER: Yawwn! Oh, my! It’s morning! I WITCH : Something delicious, but first you
must have fallen asleep! must wash up.
Looks like it was an uneventful night. Gretel
shook Hansel awake. READER: The witch invited them to hop into a
big pot of hot water. She said:
GRETEL: Hansel, it’s morning.
WITCH : Scrub a dub a dub, into the tub!
HANSEL: I’m hungry. What’s for breakfast?
GRETEL: Why are there carrots and potatoes
WITCH (entering) : You are! Heee Heee Hee and celery...
Hee! Oh, I mean you delicious, I mean HANSEL: floating in the bathtub?
darling, children are HAVING breakfast with
me! WITCH : Oh, hee hee hee hee. Those are bath
toys!
READER: Hansel and Gretel introduced
themselves. READER: So Hansel and Gretel, who never
were the brightest candles on the cake,
HANSEL: Hi! I’m Hansel. hopped into the pot.
GRETEL: Hi! I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel! (HANSEL & GRETEL climb into tub but stay
standing.)
WITCH : And I’m a nice old lady. My house is
over here... through those trees.... HANSEL (rubbing potato under arm like soap):
La la la la. . .
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel! GRETEL (using carrot like a Q-tip in her ear):
Ahhhhhh....
WITCH : Enough! Walk this way...
(WITCH walks bent over; HANSEL & GRETEL WITCH: For Pete's sake! Sit down or you'll
walk like her to her “house” back at center never cook -- I mean get clean. Squeaky-deeky
stage.) clean!

READER: The nice old lady was really a wicked HANSEL & GRETEL (plopping down) OK!
witch who liked to eat children. She took Kersplash!
them into her house. Gretel looked around.
HANSEL (singing): Rubber ducky, you're the
GRETEL: I thought you would have a one.
gingerbread house.
GRETEL: Quack! Quack!
WITCH : Oh, the property taxes on that thing
were killing me! HANSEL: Rubber ducky, you're lots of fun!

READER: Hansel was getting hungrier so he GRETEL: Quack Quack!

asked again:
READER: Unfortunately, this witch was not
HANSEL: What’s for breakfast? allergic to water like her 2nd cousin in the
Land of Oz.
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 5
WITCH: I’m melting! I’m melting. Ha Ha! ELF 2: We live in a cottage down the way.
Not!
ELF 1: We were just passing by when we came
READER: The Witch began to add some salt under the spell,
and spices while Hansel & Gretel splashed ELF 2: Of a most delicious, bewitching smell.
away in blissful ignorance of their impending ELF 3: Aaaachoo!
doom.
ELF 1: Of cinnamon, fingers and margarine,
WITCH (hums): A pinch of this.. a sprinkle of ELF 2: So if you don’t mind, may we come in?
that...
WITCH : You are in!
GRETEL: What are you sprinkling on us?
READER: Hansel jumped up and hollered.
WITCH : Oh... um..bubble powder! Hee hee
hee... HANSEL: Hey! Sneezy!

GRETEL: More bubbles! Hooray! (Splash ELF 3: Aaaachoo! (Wipes nose with hanky and
splash) waves it.)
HANSEL: My dad says hi!
READER: There was a knock at the door.
READER: The seven dwarves were real
WITCH : Who’s there? moochers!
(ELVES search front row of audience.)
(Elves march in singing a marching chant.) They started scrounging around for something
to eat. They hadn’t had a hot meal since
ELF 1: I don’t know but I’ve been told! Snow White married the Handsome Prince
ELVES: Leprechauns got pots of gold. and moved away. But all they found were
ELF 1: But do not grab one by the leg. hideous gargoyles!
ELVES: Their feet smell like rotten egg!
ELF 1: Sound off ALL ELVES (face to face with audience):
ELVES: One two! EEEEEK! (ELVES run back to stage.)
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Two Three READER: That caused some confusion. And
ELF 1: Sound off instead of finding food they found:
ELVES: One two threeee Dwarves!
(Elf 1 stops, 2 & 3 crashes into them, rebound (pantomiming finding these things: )
back and all fall. Elf 1 jumps up.) ELF 1: Spider legs in the cupboard!
ELF 2: Frog tongues in the refrigerator!
ELF 1: Attention! (Elves jump to attention.) ELF 3: Monkey ears in the toaster!
Pleased to meet you! I’m Bossy! ELF 1: Rabbit teeth in the candy dish!
ELF 2: I’m Whiny. ELF 2: Hissing cockroaches in the cookie jar!
ELF 3: I’m.. I’m... I’m... Aaaachoo! ELF 3: Piggy tails in the Spaghetti-Ohs
(Sneezes on other dwarves who fall.) ELF 1: Sugarless candy corn!
ALL ELVES: Sugarless candy corn??? Blecch!
ELF 1 & 2: SNEEZY!!! Disgusting!!!
( Elves jump up.)
ELF 3: Why do people buy that stuff?
ELF 1: We’re here to wish you a good day!
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 6
READER: But the dwarves knew they smelled ELF 1 (in her face): Let them go you mean ol’
something good. They followed their noses witch!
until they found...
(ELVES go to both sides of pot.) WITCH : YOU let them go or I’ll turn you all
into dwarf hamsters.
ELF 1: A big pot of soup!
HANSEL: Dwarf hamsters are so cute.......
HANSEL & GRETEL: Soup? Where? I’m
hungry! WITCH : Bite-size dwarf hamsters. Yum.

ALL ELVES: Children Soup! ALL ELVES (jumping back): Eeeek!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Eeeeeek!
READER: The Elves let go! They were afraid to
READER: The dwarves tried to rescue the be turned into hamsters. Their leader had
children. Unfortunately they weren’t very an idea. She told Gretel:
organized.
ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your Fairy Godmother!
(Dwarves pretend to pull on both arms of
children, left, right, left, right.) ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!

READER: But they only made it worse. The ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your fairy Godmother!
dwarves yelled for the children to get out!
ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!
ELF 2: Get out of that soup pot!
ELF 3: That witch wants to cook and eat you! GRETEL (groggy):Calling Fairy Dog Mother...

READER: But the children had been in the hot READER: In a blinding flash of light there
water too long. appeared:

GRETEL (wiping brow): I’m melting..... DOG (leaping onto stage): Woof!
HANSEL: Me tooooo....
ELF 1: What are you?
(HANSEL & GRETEL faint over edge of pot)
DOG: Gretel’s Fairy Dog Mother!
READER: Hansel and Gretel fainted in the hot
water! And it was getting hotter! The ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD
dwarves tried to lift them out. MOTHER!

ELF 1: 1, 2, 3, Lift! GRETEL: Calling Fairy Frog Mother....

READER: But the witched flapped her arms READER: And with another blinding flash of
and yelled: light:

WITCH : Stop that right now! FROG (leaping onto stage): Kribbit!

READER: The leader of the Elves was very ELF 1: What are you?
brave!
FROG: Gretel’s Fairy Frog Mother!
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 7
FROG: Right you are, Magical Mutt. Do you
ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD know what to do?
MOTHER!
DOG: Sure do. Let’s roll! (DOG & FROG roll.)
GRETEL: Snore!
READER: The Fairy Dog Mother cast a spell on
READER: Gretel’s snoring shook the house! the Wicked Witch giving her fleas and
(ELVES stumble around.) allergies.

ELF 2: She’s asleep! DOG (waving paws): Fleezus-Sneezus! (shakes)

ELF 3: She can’t call anyone! WITCH : Ha ha! Dog magic? (sarcastic) Oh, I’m
sooo afraid! Ha ha ha!. So… so… so… Itchy!
ELF 2: How about Hansel? Could HE call HIS Itchy! Itchy! Aaachoo! Aaachoo!
Fairy God Mother?
(SNEEZY hands a hanky to the Witch who
ELF 3: He would probably call his Fairy Hamster blows a raspberry into it and tries to hand it
Mother! back.

ALL ELVES (nodding): Yeah.... SNEEZY: Yuck! ( SNEEZY jumps back in disgust
and the Witch drops it on the floor.)
READER (walking across stage gesturing): This
looks bad! Hansel and Gretel are almost READER: The Fairy Frog Mother hopped over
gravy and instead of a fairy godmother, we to the pot and said these magic words:
have a Fairy Dog Mother...
FROG: Hoppus Ploppus Stoppus!
DOG: Woof!
READER: She hopped into the pot splashing
READER: ... and a Fairy Frog Mother! Hansel and Gretel out in a huge tidal wave!

FROG: Kribbit! (FROG jumps in – HANSEL & GRETEL jump out.

ELVES fall down in the tidal wave.)
READER: It looks like there will be no happy
ending to this story. The elves burst into READER: The dwarves cheered!
tears.
ALL ELVES: Yay! 1, 2, 3 --
ALL ELVES: Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Go Fairy Frog! Kribbit Kribbit Kribbit!
Go Fairy Dog! Woof Woof Woof!
ELF 6: This is terrible, terrible, terrible!
READER: The Wicked Witch ran off to jump in
READER: The Fairy Dog and Fairy Frog the river to drown her fleas....
Mothers looked at each other.
WITCH: Oh, I’m so itchy itchy itchy... (EXIT)
FROG : Well this is a pretty mess!
(DOG and FROG chase her, EXITING.)
DOG: You said it, Wonder Warts. I guess it’s DOG: Fleazus-Sneezus! Woof! Woof!
up to us. FROG: Wartus Schmortus! Kribbit! Kribbit!
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 8
READER: and Hansel and Gretel recovered ELF 2: My ears are killing me!
from their soup induced heat stroke. They ELF 1: My ears are bigger than yours so mine
introduced themselves to the dwarves. are killing me more!

HANSEL: Hi! I’m Hansel. SNEEZY : Aaachoo! (can’t find hanky so blows
GRETEL: Hi! I’m Gretel! raspberry on back of ELF 2’s shirt.)
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
ELF 2: Hey! What’s going on back there!
ELF 1 : Hi! We’re the 7 minus 4 dwarves. (ELVES EXIT or sit at front of audience.)

HANSEL: Minus 4? READER: Hansel was sad to see them go:

GRETEL: What happened to the other 4
Dwarves? HANSEL: Bye, Sneezy! You are my favorite!

ELF 1: They are interning at Hogwarts! READER: When their father came out the
ELF 2 & 3: I wanted to go! door, he was very happy to see them
(ALL hug.) and very sorry he had left them in
ELF 1: But forget about them -- the forest. He called to his wife:
ELF 2: We are in the story of Snow White.
ELF 3: Once upon a time a long time ago... FATHER: Honey, the kids are home!
STEPMOM (ENTERING) : Oh, no!
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel! HANSEL: Remember us? I’m Hansel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel! GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
ELF 1, 2 & 3 : Enough! HANSEL: I’m Hansel!
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
READER: The Elves showed Hansel and Gretel HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel--
the way home.
(Travel into audience or around stage.) FATHER : Enough! Stop saying the same thing
over and over. You are driving us crazy! (to
HANSEL: I’m Hansel. audience) I didn’t realize it until they came
GRETEL: I’m Gretel! back!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
(on and on and on) GRETEL: Ok, Daddy! Would you like to talk
about biology, instead?
(ELVES have hands over ears and moaning.)
HANSEL: Or architecture?
READER: The Dwarves couldn’t get rid of
Hansel and Gretel fast enough. STEPMOM : Oh, I love biology and
architecture! Let’s go down to the pond
(Go to Home area. Each Elf pauses to speak.) and catch frogs and build sandcastles!

ELF 1: OK! Here is your house! Good bye! (STEPMOM, HANSEL & GRETEL, go to side,
ELF 2: What an ordeal! pantomime.)
ELF 3: I thought they would never stop
yakking! GRETEL: I’m making a princess castle.
ELF 1: They never did! STEPMOM: The archway is very graceful.
 Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods ©2005 Jeannette Jaquish www.theaterfunscripts.com 9
“Remember us?..” Reader prompts them as
HANSEL: I’m digging the moat first. if it was written in the story – just the
STEPMOM: It is very deep. You are doing a beginning of the line is usually enough --
good job. and as soon as the actor catches on and
says their line, the Reader is quiet.
READER: And then a magical thing happened.
When the yammering stopped, their When Father takes Hansel and Gretel into the
stepmother magically turned into a loving Woods, he can take them out into the
caring person. It was magic. audience.

FATHER: No.... I don’t think that was magic. Big Pot need not be a pot.
A large black storage tub spritzed with silver
READER (lifts arm): It was parenting!!! And spray paint looks like a big black pot.
they all lived... Or you can make a cardboard pot and make a
stand to hold it up, or attach it to a big
(ACTORS run onstage. Reader cues them when storage tub that the kids get into.
they are ready by dropping arm.)
ALL: ..Happily ever after! Use a REAL potato and carrot. The potato will
serve day after day, but you must
HANSEL: I’m Hansel! refrigerate the carrot up until show time.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel! Make sure Hansel and Gretel use the carrot
and vegetable to wash under arm and clean
ALL: Enough!!!! The End! ear for big laughs.

If using Music from FunAntics:

Please credit:
Author’s Notes
Creatures Song to the music of:
Hansel and Gretel say “I’m Hansel. I’m “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies”
Gretel.... on and on until someone says by Tchiakovsky
“Enough!” performed by Kevin MacLeod
© Creative Commons
If actors forget lines, Reader can prompt them www.incompetech.com
by saying, for example: “Hansel said,