THE ODD COUPLE

Written by

Matthew Perry

and

Joe Keenan
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 1.

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE - A MAJESTIC PRE-WAR BUILDING

FROM THIS ELEGANT EXTERIOR WE PUSH IN TO SEE...

INT. OSCAR’S APARTMENT

(Oscar, Felix, Sam, Katie)

OSCAR MADISON'S SPECTACULAR FOUR-BEDROOM PIG STY. UNOPENED

MAIL, DRY-CLEANING, WOMEN'S LINGERIE AND OSCAR'S SOFTBALL
MITT DANGLE FROM A TEN-YEAR OLD LIFECYCLE. AMONG THE MESS ARE
ALSO NUMEROUS JOURNALISM AWARDS. IN ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM A
MYRIAD OF MONITORS SHOW EVERY SPORTS GAME, AND A SPORTS
TICKER SCROLLS ON THE WALL.

OSCAR’S ASSISTANT SAMANTHA (”SAM”) IS ON THE PHONE.

SAM

Oscar agrees with you, Mr. Kurnitz.

He’s very sorry for what he said on

his show today... No, I can’t put him

on right now. He just stepped out.

OSCAR ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A SANDWICH.

OSCAR

(MOUTH FULL) I’m not apologizing!

SAM COVERS THE PHONE, AND SHUSHES HIM.

SAM

The minute the words came out of his

mouth he knew he’d crossed a line.

OSCAR

They pay me to state my opinions, not

retract them every time someone’s

feelings get hurt!

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 2.

SAM

Shh! (ON PHONE) Yes, he certainly

will. He’ll do that right away.

SAM ENDS THE CALL.

OSCAR

No way, Sam. They can fire me. I’m

not taking back what I said about A-

Rod.

SAM

He meant what you said about Roger

Goodell.

OSCAR

Oh. (THINKS) Yeah, that was rude.

Send him the traditionally passive-

aggressive fruit basket. Then go

home, I have a date coming.

SAM

A date? I was wondering why you tidied

up. Who is she this time?

OSCAR

My insanely hot new neighbor. I’ve

been dying to meet her.

SAM

So you snuck some of your mail into

her mailbox? Does that trick ever

work?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 3.

OSCAR

It works exactly three percent of the

time... but that three percent, wow!

SFX: THE DOORBELL. OSCAR STARTS ESCORTING SAM TO THE DOOR.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

That might be her. Go. Go, go, go.

SAM
Wait, I nearly forgot, someone called
you. His name was... Damn, I’ve got
to start writing things down.
OSCAR
Yeah, I hear some assistants do that.
SAM

I’ll remember the name in the elevator

like always. Wait, let me pretend I’m

in the elevator.

SHE STANDS THERE, LOOKS UP AT PRETEND LIGHTS, AND PRESSES A

PRETEND BUTTON.

SAM (CONT’D)

Nope, don’t have it.

OSCAR

No, but what a fun little skit I got

to witness there. Would you just go?

HE OPENS THE DOOR. KATIE, (26) DROP-DEAD SEXY IS STANDING

THERE WITH A PIECE OF MAIL.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

Hello. Can I help you?

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 4.

SAM

I’m just his assistant, not another

beautiful woman. I’m not the

competition, I’m... (OFF OSCAR’S LOOK)

leaving right now.

SAM EXITS TO THE HALL.
KATIE
I think I have some of your mail.
OSCAR
(TAKING IT) Ah, whattaya know it?
(RE: ENVELOPE) “Sportscasters Hall of
Fame”? Yeah, that’s gotta be me. I
don’t like to bring it up but I’m in
the “Sportscasters Hall of Fame.”
KATIE
And yet there it was. Twice in one
sentence.
OSCAR
I’m Oscar Madison.
KATIE
Katie. If you wanted to meet me you
could have done it in the elevator.
OSCAR
I can’t flirt in a room that just goes
up and down all day long.
KATIE
You actually do better with women in
here? Despite the revolting mess?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 5.

OSCAR
Yes, about three percent of the time.
I’ve got a nice bottle of Merlot in
the kitchen if I can find it.

KATIE

The Merlot or the kitchen?

SFX: THE DOORBELL. OSCAR, ANNOYED, CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

OSCAR

I’ll be right back.

HE OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING FELIX UNGER. FELIX IS SMARTLY

DRESSED BUT WE SENSE THAT THE CONTENTS ARE UNDER PRESSURE.
OSCAR (CONT’D)
Felix?
FELIX

Oscar, my old friend. (SEEING KATIE)

Is this a bad time?

OSCAR

Yes, and as you can see I was kind of

hoping for a good time. So what’s

going on in five words or less?

FELIX JUST HEAVES A BIG SIGH.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

Okay, that’s no words. What’s the

matter?

FELIX

Ashley left me, Oscar. She wants a

divorce! My life is over! (THEN, TO

KATIE: POLITELY) Hi, I’m Felix.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 6.

KATIE

Katie. Maybe I should be leaving.

OSCAR

No! Don’t be silly. Can’t you see

the man needs company?

KATIE

Are you sure?

OSCAR

Yes, I’ve known him since college.

He‘s very social. Let’s find the

kitchen and get this party started.

FELIX

Twenty years of marriage and now I

have nothing. My life is a sea of

nothingness!

OSCAR

(TO KATIE) Maybe your initial

instinct was right.

KATIE

Felix, sorry about your news. And

Oscar feel free to flirt with me in

the room that goes up and down.

KATIE EXITS.

OSCAR

You realize if this was about anything

but your wife leaving I’d be

strangling you right now?

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 7.

FELIX

I wish someone was strangling me right

now.

OSCAR

I know how you feel, buddy. I was

there just a year ago. But look at my

life now.

FELIX

I’m looking. What happened, Oscar?

Your majestic pre-war apartment now

looks like a post-war apartment.

OSCAR
Yeah, it’s a little messy, but check
this out...
WITH A REMOTE OSCAR TURNS ON ALL TWELVE TV’S AND THE ELECTRIC
SPORTS NEWS CRAWL. SCORES AND HEADLINES CIRCLE OVERHEAD.
OSCAR (CONT’D)
Gabby would never have let me do
anything like this.

FELIX

Yes, because Gabby had taste. She

wanted this place to be a home, not

the middle of Times Square. (THEN,

CONTRITE) I know we haven’t seen each

other much since your divorce, but I

just want to say...

HE STOPS AS THOUGH OVERCOME.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 8.

OSCAR

What is it, buddy?

FELIX MAKES A BIZARRE HONKING SOUND LIKE GEESE IN FLIGHT.
FELIX
Smah!
OSCAR
What the hell’s happening right now?

FELIX

Smah! It’s my sinuses. My Eustachian

tubes get clogged. It’s the only way

to clear them. Smah! I must be

allergic to something in here.

OSCAR

Then we’ll go out. I’ll take you to a

sports bar. (NO ANSWER) “Smah” once if

you wanna go, twice if you don’t.

FELIX
Smah!
OSCAR
Sports bar it is.
AND AS THE HEAD OUT:
FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPEN

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 9.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. LANGFORD’S SPORTS BAR - THAT NIGHT - (NIGHT/1)

(Felix, Oscar)

TVS AND SPORTS FANS EVERYWHERE, THIS IS OSCAR’S HAUNT. HE IS

BOTH BELOVED AND REVILED BY THE PATRONS AND STAFF. OSCAR AND
FELIX SIT IN OSCAR’S REGULAR BOOTH. FELIX NURSES A CUP OF
CHAMOMILE TEA, HIS EYES STILL RED FROM CRYING. OSCAR’S HAVING
A SANDWICH AND A BEER.

FELIX

Do I look like I’ve been crying?

OSCAR

No, you look like you are crying.

People are gonna think we’re breaking

up.

FELIX

You’re right. I need to be strong to

survive this trial separation.

OSCAR

“Trial separation”? Didn’t you say

she called a lawyer?

FELIX

That doesn’t mean it’s over.

OSCAR

When she calls a locksmith that’s when

you know it’s over.

FELIX

Yeah, it’s over. (FRESH TEARS) I’m

sorry, Oscar.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 10.

OSCAR

It’s okay. Ever since I said that

thing about A-Rod the bus boys all

hate me anyway.

A BUS BOY WALKS BY AND SMACKS OSCAR IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
OSCAR REACTS. A WAITER PASSES BY. OSCAR POINTS TO FELIX.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

(TO WAITER) Can we get some more

chamomile tea please? And an order of

less hitting?

FELIX

I’ve been a bad friend, Oscar. I

understand now what you went through

with Gabby. And was I there for you?

No. Friends since college and I

ditched you at your lowest point.

OSCAR

You mean my divorce? No, trust me,

the marriage was the lowest point.

FELIX

You know why I disappeared right?

OSCAR

Ashley didn’t like me anymore.

FELIX

Actually she never liked you.

OSCAR

Ever?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 11.

FELIX

No. She felt you were a bad influence

on me.

OSCAR

She’s right. Ten more years and I’ll

have you drinking caffeinated tea.

(THEN) I’ll admit I was a lousy

husband with my gambling and drinking

and my gambling and drinking. My

theory was that if I lost enough

gambling I’d have no money left to buy

drinks with. It was a terrible

theory.

THE WAITER SETS DOWN THEIR DRINKS AS:

FELIX

Look at you. You lost the love of

your life and you can joke about it.

I wish I could be that way.

FELIX BURSTS INTO TEARS. EVERYONE IN THE BAR TURNS AND

LOOKS. OSCAR IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

OSCAR

I wish you could too.

AS ANOTHER BUSBOY SLAPS OSCAR IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD, WE:

DISSOLVE TO:
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 12.

SCENE B

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT (NIGHT 1)

(Oscar, Felix)

A WARM SUMMER NIGHT. OSCAR AND FELIX WALK THROUGH THE PARK.
OSCAR IS EATING AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH FROM A VENDOR.

OSCAR

Only two slaps tonight. Not bad.

FELIX

I have to say, I never saw Ashley

leaving me.

OSCAR SITS ON A BENCH.

OSCAR

Seriously? C’mon, Felix, you drove

your wife crazy too.

FELIX PULLS OUT A HANDKERCHIEF AND STARTS WIPING THE SPOT ON

THE BENCH NEXT TO OSCAR.

FELIX

I fail to see how. I mean yes, I had

my flaws, but I at least tried to be a

perfect husband.

OSCAR

That was your biggest flaw. You had

to do everything better than her. You

cleaned better, cooked better. And

when she was pregnant, you even glowed

better.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 13.

FELIX

Maybe I can be slightly exasperating

to live with --

HE SPOTS AN ICE CREAM DRIP ON OSCAR’S LAPEL. HE WIPES IT.

OSCAR

I’m glad you took care of that.

FELIX

-- but is that any reason to wait till

our son’s flown off to Stanford then

change the locks on me? (THEN) Our

first night alone was going to be so

romantic. Ashley spent hours cooking

us a lovely meal. However, cumin and

rosemary don’t go together, but I

don’t have to tell you that.

OSCAR

Of course you have to tell me that.

FELIX

So I went into the kitchen and

recooked it. That must be what set

her off. Funny how it’s the little

things that can end a marriage.

OSCAR

Wake up. That’s not a little thing!

If I spent four hours making a meal

and you recooked it, I’d kill you.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 14.

FELIX

You’re right. I was an awful husband.

Just like I’m an awful friend.

OSCAR

You’re a great friend. You literally

saved my life.

FELIX

Those men wouldn’t have killed you.

OSCAR

They’d have broken my legs if you

hadn’t hocked Ashley’s engagement ring

so I could pay what I owed.

FELIX

Don’t remind me. That fake ring’s

haunted me for years.

OSCAR

I paid you back. Didn’t you get her a

real one?

FELIX

Yes, but her finger swelled so the

fake wouldn’t come off. She’s been

wearing glass for twenty years.

OSCAR

It doesn’t matter now. You’re free!

FELIX

I don’t want to be free. I hate being

single.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 15.

OSCAR

You’ve been single for 12 seconds.

Things have changed since the last

time you were out there. There’s

technology to help you find women.

Apps, Felix, right in your pocket.

Your phone wants to get you laid!

FELIX

My phone should mind its own business.

OSCAR

Face it, we were both lousy husbands.

Marriage is about compromise and you

and I were not good at compromising.

That’s why we’re sitting in a stupid

park surrounded by pigeons and ducks,

with no wives waiting for us. But

there’s an upside to divorce too.

FELIX

The loneliness? The shame-spiralling

sense of grief and failure?

OSCAR

No, you big crybaby. We don’t have to

compromise anymore. We can be

ourselves, have a little fun. There

are a lot of young women out there

with daddy issues. I’ll teach you how

to exploit every one. So cheer up!

(MORE)
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 16.
OSCAR (CONT'D)

You’re making the ducks cry. So come

on. You can stay with me for awhile.

FELIX

Are you sure? What about my

allergies?

OSCAR

We’ll have your nose surgically

removed and we’ll be fine.

FELIX

I don’t know how to thank you for

this, Oscar.

OSCAR

I should be thanking you. I’ve missed

you, buddy. This is gonna be great.

FLIP TO:
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 17.

SCENE C

INT. OSCAR’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY/2)

(Oscar, Felix)

THE APARTMENT IS UNRECOGNIZABLE. THINGS LIKE FURNITURE AND

THE FLOOR ARE NOW VISIBLE. OSCAR IS SITTING READING HIS IPAD
WHILE FELIX WALKS THROUGH THE ROOM SPRAYING AIR FRESHENER.
HE GETS A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO OSCAR. FELIX STOPS AND SAYS:

FELIX

SMAH! SMAH, SMAH!

OSCAR

(QUIETLY; NOT LOOKING UP) Uh-oh.

AS FELIX CONTINUES SPRAYING AND HONKING WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 18.

ACT TWO

SCENE D

FADE IN:

INT. FELIX AND OSCAR’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (NIGHT/3)

(Oscar, Felix, Roy, Rex, Teddy, Katie)

IT’S GAME NIGHT AND TWO OF OSCAR’S BUDDIES ARE OVER TO WATCH.
THEY ARE TEDDY, A NEUROTIC COP, AND ROY, OSCAR'S GROUCHY
BUSINESS MANAGER. THEY SIT ON THE COUCH, SURROUNDED BY THE
MONITORS WHICH ARE ALL PLAYING DIFFERENT GAMES.

TEDDY

Can we turn nine of these off? I

don’t know what the hell’s happening.

SFX: DOORBELL. OSCAR CROSSES TO ANSWER.

OSCAR

This is my job, man. I gotta watch all

of these.

ROY

(RE: A MONITOR) What sport is this? A

muscular guy delivering a pizza to two

naked women?

OSCAR

What do you want from me? I’m layered.

OSCAR OPENS THE DOOR TO REX, A BURLY EX-FOOTBALL COACH.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

Hey, Rex. Wipe your feet.

REX

What?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 19.

OSCAR

If you know what’s good for you,

you’ll wipe your feet.

REX

Am I in the right apartment? It’s

spotless in here. What the hell

happened?

OSCAR

Felix the hell happened.

REX

I don’t even see that piece of bacon

in the corner anymore.

ROY

Speaking of bacon, when are the pizzas

getting here?

OSCAR

I didn’t order pizzas. Felix insisted

on cooking. (CALLS INTO KITCHEN)

Felix! How’s the food coming?

FELIX ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

FELIX

I’m just plating it. (THEN) Guys,

what did I say? Coasters, please!

And Roy, if you need to smoke just

turn on the air purifier. (SWITCHING

IT ON) See? It sucks all the bad air

right out of the room.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 20.

FELIX EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.

TEDDY

You know what else is sucking the air

out of the room?

ROY

He’s right. As your business manager

I’m glad you’re splitting expenses.

But as your friend, I gotta say this

guy’s ruining everything.

TEDDY

At least he let you keep your shoes

on. Though I have to say these

booties are very comfortable.

REX

You can’t let him destroy game night,

Oscar. I can’t fight with my wife

seven nights a week.

ROY

You gotta lay down the law.

OSCAR

I do. And every time I lay it down he

vacuums it up.

FELIX RE-ENTERS PUSHING A CART LOADED WITH FOOD.

FELIX

I hope everybody’s hungry!

EVERYONE RISES AND GATHERS AROUND THE CART. THEY STARE

QUIZZICALLY DOWN AT THE FOOD.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 21.

OSCAR

Well, doesn’t this look... different.

FELIX

That’s ‘cause it’s all vegan.

ROY

What? There’s no meat in any of this?

OSCAR

You do realize we’re not hamsters,

right?

REX

What did you do with the bacon from

the corner? I want the bacon from the

corner.

FELIX

You haven’t even tasted it. Try one

of these.

TEDDY

(TASTING IT) What are they?

FELIX

Meat-free chicken wings.

ROY

If a chicken had no meat it would just

fall down to the ground.

OSCAR

I guarantee you, we’re the only people

on the face of the earth having this

conversation.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 22.

FELIX

I just thought that with Oscar’s high

cholesterol --

OSCAR

How do you know my cholesterol’s high?

FELIX

Well between just looking at you and

those pills in your medicine cabinet --

OSCAR

You looked in my medicine cabinet?!

FELIX

How else could I paint it?

OSCAR

Good point. For a minute there I

thought you were being crazy and

intrusive!

AN OVEN TIMER DINGS IN THE KITCHEN.

FELIX

Ooh, that’ll be my pizza.

OSCAR

Is there any pizza in the pizza?

FELIX

You’ll never know the difference!

FELIX EXITS. THE GUYS EXCHANGE A LOOK, THEN START OUT.

ROY

See you later, Oscar. We’d rather

watch at Mulvaney’s Bar.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 23.

OSCAR

Don’t go, guys. I can’t eat all this

dirt on my own.

AS THEY’RE LEAVING OSCAR TRIES SOME OF THE FOOD. HE

IMMEDIATELY SPITS IT OUT. FELIX RE-ENTERS WITH A VEGAN
PIZZA.

FELIX

Hey, where is everyone?

OSCAR

Gone.

FELIX

They left?

OSCAR

They didn’t leave, Felix -- they fled.

From you. Something I wish I could

do, but unfortunately I live here!

FELIX

So in other words, I’m getting on your

nerves?

OSCAR

Not in other words, those are the

perfect ones. There better be some

real food left in that kitchen!

OSCAR STARTS OUT AS WE RESET TO:

INT: THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR ENTERS, FELIX RIGHT BEHIND HIM. OSCAR STARTS SEARCHING

THROUGH THE REFRIGERATOR.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 24.

OSCAR

It wasn’t enough that you had to boil

the whole apartment -- now you’re

telling me what to eat?

FELIX

Your diet is terrible. Do you know

how clogged your insides must be?

Have you ever had a colonoscopy?

OSCAR

No, but the way you’re cleaning I’ll

probably get one next time I doze off.

(SEARCHING THE FRIDGE) Where’s my

burrito? I had a burrito in here.

FELIX

I threw it out.

OSCAR DEFIANTLY FISHES THE BURRITO OUT OF THE TRASH CAN.

FELIX (CONT’D)

Are you insane? If you want a burrito

I’ll make you a gluten-free one.

OSCAR

I have no idea what gluten is -- but

if you’re against it, it must be

delicious!

OSCAR EXITS THE KITCHEN AS WE RESET TO:

INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR ENTERS, EATING THE BURRITO. FELIX IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 25.

FELIX

You never ate this badly when you were

married.

OSCAR

Because Gabby was a nag, or at least I

thought she was until I started living

with a Nag-asaurus.

FELIX

She nagged you because she loved you.

Are you eating actual garbage to kill

yourself? You think that will punish

her for leaving you?

OSCAR

She’s not the one I feel like

punishing right now!

FELIX

You know what your problem is?

OSCAR

I know exactly what my problem is,

Felix.

FELIX

You’re in denial. You still haven’t

processed the pain from your divorce.

OSCAR

I’m not you, Felix. I’m not all mopey

and stuck in the past.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 26.

FELIX

I am not stuck in the past!

SFX: HIS PHONE RINGS. HE CHECKS THE CALLER ID.

FELIX (CONT’D)

It’s Ashley! She’s calling me! Maybe

she changed her mind!

OSCAR

Yeah, I’m sure that’s just what it is.

FELIX

Darling! How are you. I’ve missed

you so much. Have you missed me?...

(THEN) What? Oh, no! I’m sorry! I

can explain! What happened was --

(SHE HANGS UP) Ashley? Ashley?

OSCAR

Ooh, that didn’t sound very good.

FELIX

She decided to have her engagement

ring removed.

OSCAR

Ooh.

FELIX

When the jeweler yanked it off the

“diamond” broke like the cheap glass

it was!

OSCAR

Ooh.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 27.

FELIX

Now it’s over for sure. (WEEPY) My

last shred of hope is gone!

OSCAR
Felix you’re crying again. Are you
aware of that?

FELIX

Pardon my emotions! Some people have

those you know. I’ll go to the park.

I’m sure I’ll get more sympathy from

the ducks.

FELIX OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE AND BUMPS RIGHT INTO -- KATIE.

KATIE

(RE: HIS TEARS) Wow... still?

OSCAR

Katie!

RESET TO:

INT. OSCAR AND FELIX’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR JOINS KATIE IN THE HALL, CLOSING THE DOOR ON FELIX.

OSCAR

Hey! You get my text? Can we do

dinner tomorrow?

KATIE

I can’t. My sister is staying with me

and I promised I’d spend the night

with her. She’s a little finicky

about being alone.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 28.

OSCAR

Invite her along then! I’ve got

someone finicky staying with me too.

We’ll make it a double date!

KATIE

You mean Felix? He seems a little

fragile at the moment.

OSCAR

He’s not fragile. He just has

terrible sinuses. Either that or a

drowning gazelle resides in his

bedroom.

KATIE

Okay, if you’re sure he’s ready.

OSCAR

Perfect! We’ll see you tomorrow.

I’ll get us reservations.

KATIE

No need. I already have plenty.

AND WE RESET TO:

INT. OSCAR AND FELIX’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR RE-ENTERS.

OSCAR

(TO FELIX) This should cheer you up --

I got you a date.

FELIX

What? I’m not ready to date.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 29.

OSCAR

It’ll be perfect. I heard she’s

finicky too.

FELIX

I don’t care. I’m not ready.

OSCAR

C’mon, this will be good for you. No

tears or looking back. Just girls and

booze and hopefully a little

debauchery.

FELIX

If I do this will we be friends again?

OSCAR

Friends for life. Closer than ever.

FELIX

That’s all I want.

OSCAR

Me too. And the fun and debauchery

part.

FELIX

Okay. (THEN) Can I at least cook?

OSCAR

Not a good idea, pal. Because we’re

not all bunny rabbits.

AS OSCAR EXITS WE:

CUT TO:
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 30.

SCENE H

INT. OSCAR AND FELIX’S APARTMENT - (NIGHT/NIGHT 4)

(Oscar, Felix, Katie, Lindsay)

FELIX, NICELY DRESSED, IS PUTTING A PLATTER OF HORS D’OEUVRES

ON THE COFFEE TABLE. OSCAR ENTERS, TYING HIS NECKTIE. HE
SEES THE FOOD.

OSCAR

I said you didn’t need to cook.

FELIX

We have to offer something with drinks.

(POINTS) And those have pancetta in

them. (OFF OSCAR’S LOOK) Bacon.

OSCAR

Now that I’ll eat!

SFX: THE DOORBELL.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

Okay, they’re here. So one more time,

what are you not going to do tonight?

FELIX

(BY ROTE) Talk about Ashley.

OSCAR

Or think about Ashley. ‘Cause

waterworks and debauchery do not mix.

FELIX
Some women like to see men cry.
OSCAR
That’s just a myth created by men who
cry. I’m opening the door. And whose
name are we not going to say?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 31.

FELIX

Ashley.

OSCAR

You just said it!

FELIX

You haven’t even opened the door!

OSCAR CROSSES TO ANSWER OPENS THE DOOR TO KATIE AND LINDSAY,

WHO’S VERY CUTE BUT TIGHTLY WOUND.

OSCAR

Katie, welcome. You didn’t tell me

your sister was so adorable. She’s as

cute as a box of kittens. (TO

LINDSAY) You must be Lindsay.

LINDSAY

You must be fifty.

OSCAR

And spunky too. Felix, this is your

cute and spunky date Lindsay. (TO

LINDSAY) Lindsay, this is my friend

Felix who’s also nowhere near the age

of fifty but feel free to guess his

weight.

LINDSAY

Hi, Felix.

FELIX

Hello, Lindsay.

AN AWKWARD BEAT.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 32.

KATIE

Well, we’re off to a sizzling start.

But I love what you’ve done with the

place. Did you clean in our honor?

OSCAR

It was the least I could do.

FELIX

That you could do? (RE: FOOD) Perhaps

you’d like to try one of Oscar’s mini-

quesadillas?

LINDSAY

(TAKES ONE) Wow, Oscar, you cook?

OSCAR

I dabble.

LINDSAY

Oh my God, this is the greatest thing

I ever tasted in my life. I’m sorry

about what I said. You look terrific.

I’m just overly protective of my

little sister.

KATIE

And she’s been up with a cold all

night.

OSCAR

Well, then we found the right date for

you. Felix has had a cold since 1987.

You know what helps a cold?

(MORE)
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 33.
OSCAR (CONT'D)

Or anything? Alcohol. Let me fix

some drinks.

KATIE

Good idea. I’ll give you a hand.

OSCAR AND KATIE EXIT AS WE RESET TO:

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

THEY MAKE DRINKS, SCOTCH FOR OSCAR, WINE FOR THE OTHERS.

KATIE

I like you Oscar, but before this date

goes any further I need to make one

thing clear...

OSCAR

I’m not sure I like the sound of that.

KATIE

If we hit it off, it has to be a

purely sexual relationship. Are you

okay with that?

OSCAR

Hmm. Let me think. Yes.

KATIE

I’m a busy woman. I don’t need an

over-emotional guy who’s clingy after

sex, okay?

OSCAR

Yes, yes, yes. I can’t stop saying

the word yes.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 34.

KATIE

We can have our fun, but after we’re

done --

OSCAR

I’m fine with a quick exit. You can

put me in a catapult.

FROM THE LIVING ROOM WE HEAR FELIX HONKING:

FELIX (O.S.)

Smah!

KATIE

What was that?

NOW WE HEAR LINDSAY HONKING AS WELL:

LINDSAY (O.S.)

Smah! SMAH, SMAH, SMAH!

OSCAR

What was that?

OSCAR AND KATIE EXIT WITH THE WINE AS WE RESET TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FELIX IS DEMONSTRATING HIS SINUS TECHNIQUE TO LINDSAY.

OSCAR

What are you doing, Felix?

FELIX

I was showing her how to clear her

sinuses. (TO LINDSAY) You need more

force. Don’t be afraid to be loud.

LINDSAY

Smah! Smah! That really helps...

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 35.

OSCAR

This is what I go to bed listening to

every night.

KATIE

And now apparently so will I.

LINDSAY

Felix was just telling me about his

wife, Ashley.

OSCAR

(APPALLED) Ashley? (TO FELIX) Felix,

what did we agree?

FELIX

She asked me.

LINDSAY

I’m curious. I’m divorced myself.

How long since your marriage fizzled?

FELIX

... Just a week.

LINDSAY

Oh, wow. (RE: HERSELF) Six months.

OSCAR

So what you’re saying is with time it

gets better?

LINDSAY

Not really. (THEN: RE: HER PHONE)

This is my ex-husband, Brandon.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 36.

FELIX

(RE: Photo) I see you like them

rugged and handsome.

LINDSAY

Turns out so did he. You got any of

pictures of Ashley?

FELIX

Do I have pictures!

FELIX CROSSES THE ROOM TO GET HIS IPAD. AN IRATE OSCAR

FOLLOWS AFTER HIM.

OSCAR

Are you crazy? Are you out of your

mind? You’re going to show pictures

of Ashley? Don’t you know what that

will do to you? It’s going to be like

a water park in here?

FELIX

She asked to see them. Get a hold of

yourself, Oscar.

OSCAR

Me holding myself is exactly the

problem! Something magical is taking

place here. Something truly magical.

I’m half-expecting a unicorn to walk

in at any moment, and if you screw

this up for me I’ll never forgive you.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 37.

FELIX

Oscar, calm down. I’m not going to

lose it over a few old pictures.

FELIX CROSSES BACK, SITS AND STARTS SHOWING LINDSAY PICTURES

ON HIS IPAD.

OSCAR

Where’s Katie?

LINDSAY

She got a call about work. (RE:

PICTURE) Oh, she’s pretty. And how

sweet of you to be dabbing that spot

off her dress.

FELIX
She never could master chopsticks.
Luckily I always carry tissues.
OSCAR
Good, ‘cause you’ll need ‘em in a
minute.
LINDSAY
And who’s this?
FELIX
That’s Oscar’s ex-wife Gabby.
LINDSAY
(TO OSCAR) Your wife is gorgeous.

OSCAR

Yeah, she takes care of herself. Does

anyone know where I can get a good

catapult?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 38.

FELIX

Here’s the four of us on our first

Hawaii trip. God, we look so young.

(TO OSCAR) Have you ever seen these?

OSCAR

Nope. Never saw ‘em, don't need to

see ‘em now.

FELIX

Oh, c’mon, look at them.

OSCAR RELUCTANTLY LOOKS AT THE PICTURES.

LINDSAY

(TO OSCAR) You look at your wife with

such love in your eyes. And now

you’re divorced -- that’s so sad.

OSCAR

No it’s not. (TO FELIX) Do we really

need to be doing this now?

LINDSAY

(POINTS) And this one too, the way you

smile at her! What happened?

OSCAR

Who knows. Life I guess. Put 'em

away, Felix.

FELIX

These are from Oscar's 30th birthday

party on the beach. Gabby hired a

barge to surprise him with fireworks.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 39.

LINDSAY

That’s so sweet!

FELIX

And her birthday card said, “Because

you will always be the fireworks in my

heart.” I'd never seen him so moved.

BEHIND THEM OSCAR IS STARTING TO WELL UP A LITTLE.

LINDSAY

(POINTING TO A PHOTO) Aw, look at

you, Oscar -- you're crying.

OSCAR

No, I'm not.

FELIX TURNS AND SEES THAT OSCAR IS FIGHTING TEARS.

FELIX

Oscar, are you all right?

OSCAR

(WIPING HIS EYES) I’m fine, okay?

Would you just put the damn pictures

away?

KATIE, HER CALL FINISHED, REJOINS THEM.

LINDSAY

(TO OSCAR) Oh, you poor thing! You

miss her, don’t you?

KATIE

Is everything okay?
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 40.

FELIX

Oscar was just looking at pictures of

his wife --

OSCAR

No, I wasn’t. They were being jammed

down my throat!

KATIE

Oh my God, are you crying?

LINDSAY

Don’t be embarrassed. I like a man

who cries.

OSCAR

(RE: KATIE) Well, she doesn’t!

KATIE

Can I get you another scotch?

OSCAR

Please. (TO LINDSAY) And please go

help her. I’d like to be alone when I

murder Felix.

KATIE AND LINDSAY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN.

OSCAR (CONT’D)

What are you trying to do to me!

FELIX

I was right. You’re not over her.

OSCAR

And here we see one dead unicorn,

Ladies and Gentleman.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 41.

FELIX

Let the tears flow, Oscar! You’re

close to a breakthrough!

OSCAR

I’m close to breaking this iPad over

your head!

FELIX

Don’t hide from your feelings. Let it

all out! You’ll feel better.

WE RESET TO:

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

KATIE IS POURING A SCOTCH FOR OSCAR.

KATIE

You think that’s enough?

LINDSAY

For a man in his condition? Let’s

just bring him the whole bottle.

FROM THE LIVING ROOM THEY HEAR A LOUD CRACK! THEN A SCREAM
OF PAIN, FOLLOWED BY A THUD.

FELIX (O.S.)

Ahh!

THE WOMEN EXCHANGE A CONCERNED LOOK THEN HURRY INTO --

INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FELIX IS NOW ON THE GROUND, CLUTCHING HIS HEAD. THE HORS

D’OEUVRES ON THE COFFEE TABLE HAVE SPILLED TO THE FLOOR.
LINDSAY RUSHES TO FELIX.

KATIE

My God! What happened?!

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 42.

FELIX

(IN TEARS) He hit me over the head

with an iPad!

OSCAR

I told you I was going to hit you over

the head with the iPad!

LINDSAY

(TO OSCAR) What’s wrong with you!

(TO FELIX) Are you okay?

FELIX

Well, my head just got hit with an

iPad. I’ve been better.

OSCAR

You made me cry, you big bully!

I’ll replace it. And dinner’s

officially on me.

KATIE

You think we want to have dinner with

you now?

LINDSAY

You sir, are a yucky, yucky, yucky,

yucky man. And Felix is coming home

with us.

FELIX

Thank you.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 43.

OSCAR

Fine. Take him. Let him be your

problem.

AS KATIE, LINDSAY AND FELIX HEAD FOR THE DOOR:

FELIX

This may seem crazy, but I think that

iPad cleared my sinuses.

LINDSAY

Smah!

AND THEY GO, LEAVING OSCAR ALL ALONE. HE POURS A DRINK.

THEN, WHAT THE HELL, POURS MORE. THEN HE JUST TAKES A BIG
SWIG FROM THE BOTTLE. AND WE...

CUT TO:
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 44.

SCENE K

INT. FELIX AND OSCAR’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING (D6)

(Oscar, Felix, Lindsay, Katie)

FELIX ENTERS. OSCAR, DRESSED IN LAST NIGHT’S CLOTHES, HAS

PASSED OUT SITTING UP ON THE COUCH. THE CRACKED IPAD IS ON
HIS LAP AND HE’S CLEARLY BEEN LOOKING AT MORE PICTURES. THE
NEARLY EMPTY BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IS ON THE COFFEE TABLE. FELIX
APPROACHES HIM.

FELIX

Oscar?

OSCAR WAKES UP, STARTLED.

OSCAR

Ah! Felix, I’m so glad you came home.

FELIX

I’m just here to get some things.

I’ll be moving in with Katie and

Lindsay till I’m back on my feet.

OSCAR

Wow, if I moved in with those two I’d

never be on my feet.

OSCAR STARTS TO STAND AND FALLS BACK, STILL WOOZY.

FELIX

You’re not so good on your feet right

now. Did you drink that whole bottle

last night?

OSCAR

Hey, there’s still a semblance of

liquid left in there.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 45.

FELIX

My mistake.

OSCAR

There was something I wanted to tell

you last night but I needed to be

drunk to say it. And now I’m just

hung-over. (FINISHES THE BOTTLE)

Okay, there -- I can say it.

FELIX

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

OSCAR

Shh, let me talk. I like to pretend

I’m this funny, carefree guy who’s

actually happy his marriage ended. I

thought I was over Gabby. But if last

night proved anything it’s that I’m

clearly not, that I’m still hurting.

(RE BROKEN IPAD) And that Apple needs

to put a shatterproof screen on these

things. When you didn’t come home

last night, I thought, “Why do I do

this? Why do I push the people I care

about out of my life? But my point

is... Boy am I drunk right now...

FELIX

Don’t stop, you’re doing great.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 46.

OSCAR

It gets lonely up here, all right? I

need you. So please don’t go, okay?

Just please don’t. (THEN) Don’t cry

either. We have really had enough of

that.

FELIX

May I speak now?

OSCAR

You may speak.

FELIX

You were wrong about something else.

OSCAR

Wait, isn’t this the part where you

say you were wrong too?

FELIX

You said being divorced means we don’t

have to compromise anymore. Clearly

we do. If this second marriage is

going to work --

OSCAR

Marriage?

FELIX

Isn’t that what this is? A practice

marriage so we’ll be better prepared

for our next real ones?

KATIE AND LINDSAY ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 47.

LINDSAY

Felix, are you okay? Mr. Mean Man’s

not beating you with his laptop, is

he?

FELIX

It’s okay. We kissed and made up.

OSCAR

There was no kissing. (TO THE WOMEN)

Ladies, I’m sorry I ruined our date

last night. But why don’t we have it

now?

KATIE

Now?

FELIX

We can all go out for breakfast.

Who’s hungry?

KATIE

I’m a model. I’m always hungry.

LINDSAY

Between all the hitting and crying

last night, none of us had dinner.

I’m starving.

FELIX LOOKS TO THE WOMEN. THEY SIGH AND SHRUG “WHY NOT?”

FELIX

Oscar, you’ll be ordering an egg white

omelet. Cholesterol, cholesterol,

cholesterol.
THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 48.

OSCAR

Fine. But if I have to eat healthy,

how are you planning to compromise,

Mr. Clean?

FELIX

(THINKS, THEN:) How’s this?

HE PICKS UP A HALF FINISHED GLASS OF RED WINE FROM LAST NIGHT

AND DUMPS IT ONTO THE RUG.

FELIX (CONT’D)

Let’s go.

FELIX HEADS TO THE DOOR. OSCAR STARES AMAZED AT THE STAIN.

OSCAR

You’re just going to leave that?

FELIX

Yep. I’m being you, Oscar. Let’s

eat. I may not even use a napkin!

THEY ALL HEAD OUT.

BEAT. THE DOOR REOPENS AND FELIX RUSHES BACK IN AND OVER TO
THE STAIN. OSCAR WEARILY ENTERS AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN.

OSCAR

Where’s the stain remover?

FELIX

Third shelf in the pantry! (AS OSCAR

GOES) Hurry! It’s starting to set!

AND WE...

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

THE ODD COUPLE
"PILOT" 49.

TAG

INT. FELIX AND OSCAR’S APARTMENT/OSCAR’S BATHROOM - LATER

(N6) (OSCAR, FELIX [O.S.])

OSCAR CLIMBS INTO HIS PERFECTLY-MADE BED, LAYS THERE A BEAT,

THEN THROWS OFF THE COVERS, AND LIKE A TORNADO, MESSES UP THE
BED, PLACES THE LAMP ON ITS SIDE, AND MESSES UP EVERYTHING
ELSE IN THE ROOM TILL IT'S JUST RIGHT.

HE SMILES AND IS AT PEACE, AS HE CLIMBS BACK INTO HIS MESSY

BED. A BEAT, THEN:

FELIX (O.S.)

Smah! Smah!

OSCAR

Oh my good God...

OSCAR TURNS OUT THE LIGHT, BURIES HIS HEAD UNDER THE PILLOWS.
OVER BLACK WE HEAR:

FELIX (O.S.)

Smah!

AND WE...

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW