THE NEXT GENERATION

BOOKS 1-3
RILEY EWARDS
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and
incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual
events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2021 by Riley Edwards

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or
used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the
publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover design: Lori Jackson Designs
Written by: Riley Edwards
Published by: Rebels Romance
Edited by: Cindy Wolken
Saving Meadow - Chasin Honor - Finding Mercy
Boxset– February 2021
Copyright © 2021 Riley Edwards
All rights reserved
To my family - my team – my tribe.
This is for you.
 CONTENTS

Saving Meadow
Prologue
1. Deface
2. Pretty Face
3. The 20th
4. Nightmares and java
5. Hell hath no fury
6. Nick
7. Two steps ahead
8. Sally
9. Marriage?
10. Assumptions
11. Red
12. A date
13. The missing piece
14. The Filler
15. The beauty of a text message
16. xxx
17. I’m there
18. I’ll call you
19. A lot like love
20. For him… I’d do anything
21. I love you, Meadow
22. Peace offering
23. Too wrapped up
24. Sally
25. Fly or drive?
26. The uncles
27. Alive and breathing
28. Veronica Venus
29. Ugly regret
30. A thousand deaths
Epilogue

Chasing Honor
Prologue
 Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Epilogue

Finding Mercy
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Epilogue
Riley’s Rebels
Also by Riley Ewards
About the Author
Acknowledgments
SAVING MEADOW
THE NEXT GENERATION
 S AVING M EADOW

T HE N EXT G ENERATION
B OOK 1

R ILEY E DWARDS
 PROLOGUE

“N icholas, just in time.” Nick Clark turned,

finding himself face-to-face with the man he’d
come to see.
“Director,” Nick greeted.
“How does it feel walking back in here with a shield and
creds?” the director asked, offering Nick his hand.
“Different.” Nick took his hand in a firm shake and
contemplated his answer.
He did feel different. Not even two days ago he’d walked
through these very doors with his family. That had felt
different as well, sitting in the front of the graduation hall
taking his final oath, alongside the men and women who’d
become his comrades. They’d spent the last six months
together, training both physically and mentally toward a
common goal – the honor to call themselves Special Agents.
He’d vowed his service and allegiance, to protect and
serve, to honor the office of the FBI. Nick had sworn
fidelity, bravery, and integrity. Words he would never forget,
the very words that were proudly carved above the
entrance to FBI headquarters and every field office across
the U.S.
Now, as he stood in front of the building shaking the
director’s hand, Nick felt the heaviness of his position
weighing on him. All his life, Nick knew he wanted to serve,
like his uncles. Only the military hadn’t appealed to him.
He’d watched the toll it took on his uncles: Clark, Lenox,
Levi, and Jasper. Every mission they’d completed seemed to
take another bite out of their souls. While the men that had
raised him and been his mentors were strong enough for
that type of service, Nick knew he wasn’t. He wanted to
help catch the bad guys, lock them up and keep the public
safe on the homefront, not fight a war that was unwinnable
– not in the immediate. Nick was far too impatient; he liked
closure and control. He admired his uncles and knew their
service was necessary and selfless, but he’d chosen a
different path.
The FBI had been Nick’s dream. He found every part of
the criminal mind fascinating, and the process in which the
offender was apprehended even more so. The investigation
and progression of a case had sparked something deep in
Nick at a very young age. He’d been lucky growing up with
four men who had taught him to hone his instincts. They’d
schooled him on battlefield tactics and weapons safety the
moment he’d expressed an interest in law enforcement. His
uncles had also walked him through the process of critical
thinking and crime scene investigation. While his uncles
may have been gathering intel on terrorists in a foreign
country, the process was the same.
“Come on. We’re meeting with Unit Chief Kilby. He
should already be inside.”
The director held open the door for Nick to precede him.
Once both men were in the building, Nick fell in step
beside the director. Instead of going to the second floor
where Nick knew the other man’s office was located, they
continued further into the lobby before turning right and
stopping in front of a set of double doors, frosted for
privacy and Behavioral Analysist Unit etched in the glass.
Nick’s brow knitted, and he wondered why the director
was taking him to the BAU. Not that he would question the
man; Nick wasn’t dumb. The director scanned his badge
and the lock clicked, allowing the men entrance into what
he’d considered the Holy Grail of the FBI, a place that he’d
fantasized about being a part of, but knew it would take a
master’s degree and a decade of hard work to prove his
worth before he’d even be considered. The badge clipped
to his belt was still shiny and brand new. He couldn’t even
call it a shield yet, he’d only earned it two days ago. It was
silly, but to Nick, it would be a badge until it had some
scratches on it, until he could prove himself as a SA.
The room was exactly as he’d known it would be. Not
the desks, or office furniture, or the file cabinets that lined
the wall, or even the conference room he could see off to
the side. It was the energy of the room; it was electric and
alive. These men and women dug into the psyche and
picked it apart, analyzing a criminal’s behavior to
reconstruct the unsub’s motives, method, and the rationale
behind the crime. In other words, Nick thought the
profilers with the BAU were brilliant and maybe a little
twisted themselves. After all, there had to be a price to pay
climbing into the mind of a killer.
“SSA Kilby.” the director greeted when they’d
approached a tall man in his late forties. “This is SA Clark.”
“Yes. Nice to meet you. Let’s go into the conference
room and talk.”
“A pleasure.” With a nod, Nick silently followed both
men, scanning the office as he went.
When the men were seated around the table, SSA Kilby
started. “The director tells me you were the top of your
graduating class.”
“That is correct, sir.”
“Please call me Kilby, everyone else does. We’re not big
on formalities around here. The director gave me your file.
I’m impressed.”
“Thank you.”
 “You scored exceptionally well all around; however, it is
the way you processed the mock crime scenes that truly
interests me. In all the scenarios you found things your
peers had missed. And you analyzed the evidence
presented differently as well.”
Kilby’s praise struck Nick straight in the gut. He didn’t
often need validation from others but coming from SSA
Kilby it meant something to him. However, Nick was mildly
uncomfortable, and not knowing what to say, he remained
quiet.
Kilby slid an image across the table to Nick. “What is the
first thing that comes to mind when you look at that
image?”
Nick looked down at the photograph of a grizzly crime
scene; a male and female lying on the floor of a living room,
blood pooling around their bodies, staining the carpet.
Each had multiple stab wounds. At first glance, he’d say
each had to have at least a dozen or more. He continued to
scrutinize the image, looking for anything that stood out,
nothing did. A family home, modest in the furnishings he
could see. Nothing ransacked or displaced, both bodies still
clothed, not posed.
“Why?” Nick asked.
“Why?” Kilby’s brow pulled up, and he studied Nick
from across the table. “Interesting. Explain your question.”
“When I look at the crime scene the first thing I want to
know is why. Why them? Why that house? Why did the
offender use a knife? Why the overkill? What drove the
unsub? Once I start there, I can work backwards through
the solution matrix. It is easier to build on what I don’t
know then find the who, what, where, and when. The why is
what tells the real story.”
Kilby and the director exchanged a look before Kilby
retrieved a file from the storage credenza behind him. For
the first time since Nick entered the room, he took the time
to take in his surroundings. A modern black laminate table
with brushed aluminum sides, eight high-back leather
executive chairs, a matching black storage cabinet, a bank
of monitors hung on one wall, a large gold FBI - BAU crest
embellished the adjoining wall. Classy, clean, and efficient.
Nick sat back in his chair willing himself still, uncertain of
what was happening. Oddly he felt like he was in a job
interview. Not knowing if he’d passed the impromptu exam
or got the job – not that he understood what the job was -
was driving him crazy, but he refused to fidget in front of
the men.
“Do you know why you’re here?” Kilby asked.
“No.”
“There is an opening on my team, SA Winters is leaving.
He’s been asked to teach a class on the taxonomy of human
behavior. The director and I have spoken at length about
bringing you on the team as his replacement. A fresh set of
eyes, no bad law enforcement habits to break, no
preconceived bias. We can mold you into what we need. I
still have my reservations. However, there is no denying
you have a natural instinct that cannot be ignored. I’d like
you to look at an ongoing investigation and present a
profile and full report.”
Before Nick could answer, a manila folder was slid
across the table. Nick stopped the dossier with his hand,
looking down at it. Once again, his chest filled with pride -
Federal Bureau of Investigations: Case File 033077RE
neatly stamped on the front. He opened the folder, and his
heart rate spiked, and not from the excitement of perusing
his first official case. He thought about closing the file and
taking a minute to mentally prepare for the image that had
assaulted him. He stared at the crime scene photo - a
woman lay dead in an alley. Dark hair, age unknown due to
multiple stab wounds to her face, height, and weight
indeterminable. Nick flipped the image, and the next
photograph was worse. A blonde woman, again in an alley;
this woman’s face was peeling and blistered, her features
and age uncertain. Nick flipped through more pages, all
women, all with facial disfiguration; blondes, brunettes, red
heads, and black hair. All white, all dumped in the open.
When he got to the last image, he turned it over and
looked at the men, carefully studying him.
“Eleven women over twelve months,” Kilby started.
“You’ll find the rest of the information at the desk I had
cleared for you. I’ll introduce you to the team and let you
get to work.”
What the fuck had just happened? Nick gawked at the
unit chief and hoped his mouth wasn’t actually hanging
open in his stupor.
“Thank you for the opportunity,” Nick stammered.
“When would you like the profile?”
“Tomorrow. You’ll present it to the team at 9 a.m.”
Tomorrow? Was Kilby insane? He’d need more than
twenty-four hours to properly comb the case and research
the terminology and theories he still didn’t grasp. He still
had so much to learn, ten years’ worth of knowledge to be
exact, that was the average time it took before an agent
was considered.
“Don’t over think this. I don’t want a textbook profile. I
have four highly qualified profilers that have already
worked up a report. I want your gut feeling. Tell me the
why. Think outside the box.”
“I don’t know what the box is in this case.”
“The box is the textbook profile, look past it. Tell me
what we don’t know. That’s how we’ll find this son of a
bitch. Stop thinking like Special Agent Nick Clark and get
in killer’s head; feel it, experience it, what’s the fantasy.
Then you’ll have your composite of the offender.”
Wordlessly, Nick stood when the other two men did and
followed them back into the central office. Three men and a
woman were standing near an empty desk, their
conversation coming to a halt as the three men
approached.
 “Nick Clark this is, Mike Gonzales, Joel Brinkley, Ben
Dailey, and Mandy Brown. Your new team.”
And that was the beginning of Nick’s trial by fire and
unconventional introduction to the BAU.
 1

DEFACE

F our years later.

“Hey, Nick. Conference room,” Mike told me as
he passed by my desk.
“What’s going on?” I asked as I fell into step.
“No idea. Hope you’re not too hungover from last night,”
Mike chuckled. “We have a new case.”
I barely resisted the urge to rub my temples now that
Mike had me remembering how much I drank last night.
Four years ago, when I’d joined the BAU, Mike had been my
harshest critic. He also took the longest to accept me as
part of the team. While I understood his apprehension, it
still had pissed me off, and we’d bumped heads – and that
was putting it mildly. I can credit most of my improvement
over the years to his careful examination and assessment of
my work. Once I’d proved to have potential, Mike took me
under his wing and mentored me. He was also my closest
friend at the Bureau.
Mandy, Joel, and Ben were already sitting around the
conference table when Mike and I walked in.
“Surprised to see you this morning after all the shots
you did,” Mandy jabbed.
“Shit, you outdrank Ben last night, and that’s unheard
of,” Joel added.
 Ben was known to hold his liquor. He also had expensive
taste, meaning I’d spent a small fortune last night buying
rounds.
“The Boy Wonder has finally grown a pair of balls,” Ben
added his two-cents.
Mike clipped me on the shoulder as he took his seat.
“Boy Wonder. Haven’t heard that in a while. And to think
when we got you, you were barely old enough to drink.”
Over the years, I’d heard it all, but Boy Wonder was
their favorite nickname. Mike wasn’t wrong. When I’d
joined the team I was twenty-two, the youngest by nearly
twenty years.
SSA Kilby entered the room with Kristy, our technical
analyst, and the joking came to a stop.
“We have a new case. Local law enforcement has
requested our help due to the brutality of the kill - I’ve
agreed,” Kilby said and took his seat at the head of the
table while Kristy turned on the wall monitor.
When the screen came to life, a crime scene photo
appeared. Brutal didn’t quite describe the image. The
woman was a mangled mess. The level of violence
screamed extreme rage.
“Lauren Marshall, twenty-four, single, worked as a book
publicist,” Kristy started and switched the image on the
screen to her driver’s license photo. “She was last seen at
Cheers, an upscale wine bar in Woodbridge. Her friends
told police they’d met there after work for a drink. Lauren
stayed to listen to the Jazz band, which wasn’t unusual for
her to do. Her body was found in a parking lot less than a
block away.”
Shit, Woodbridge was less than twenty minutes from
Quantico. Despite what TV dramas about the FBI
portrayed, it was rare we went to the crime scene. It’s not
possible for local police to keep a body at a crime scene for
the length of time it would take us to get there. We relied
on law enforcement to collect evidence and present it to
the team. But, with this kill being so close, there was a
likelihood Kilby would want to go to the site.
“Toxicology?” Mike asked.
Kristy looked up from her tablet to answer, “Ketamine.”
“Offical cause of death?” I asked.
“Exsanguination. I’ve emailed you all the report,” Kristy
said.
“No sexual assault,” Ben noted as he scanned the
information on his tablet.
“Stab wounds to the abdomen and face,” Mandy added.
Stab wounds was barely scratching the surface;
Lauren’s face was demolished. She was unrecognizable.
“Only one stab wound to the lower abdomen. No sexual
assult. Face annihilated. Ketamine. Exsanguination.” I
listed some of the facts of the case.
“I know where you’re going with that. You think he’s
back,” Mike said.
“Copycat?” Ben asked.
“The ketamine was never released to the public,” Mandy
piped up.
“Four years between kills,” Kilby added.
“After body eleven and the seventh of the following
month passed we’d assumed he’d been locked up on other
charges,” I reminded him of our initial profile. “The
Butcher is back.”
The Butcher was my first case with the BAU, and four
years later it was unsolved. The offender had up and
vanished. Eleven kills, all on the seventh day of the month,
all dumped in a public location, all had ketamine in their
system; all had a single stab wound in their lower
abdomens, their faces disfigured, nothing taken, nothing
left. The new homicide fit the victimology. Pretty woman
mid-twenties, low-risk lifestyle. The common factor was
they were all what society would consider beautiful.
Today was the twentieth of the month.
The wait had begun.
 2

PRETTY FACE

“G ood morning, Meadow.” Beth stopped at my

desk, her eyes went wide, and I braced for
what would come next. “Oh, I’m happy you
finally decided to stop trying to cover up the awful scar. By
the end of the day, your make-up just wears off and you can
see it anyway. It’s such a shame; you were such a beautiful
girl. I mean you still are, even with the scar on your face.”
Beth smiled a bright smile as she continued by my desk as
if she wasn’t just a royal bitch.
Who says that?
Beth does, that’s who. And most everyone else. At least
she makes comments to my face instead of whispering
them behind my back. I should’ve been used to it by now.
From the moment I’d woken up in the hospital with this
hideous scar marring my face, people have been making
comments.
Oh, you poor thing.
Does it hurt?
So sad to mark such a pretty face.
I’ve heard it all, and mostly I ignored the stares and
running commentary about how my scar came to be. People
comment as if I don’t know I have a six-inch scar running
from my ear to my chin. I knew it was there; I saw it every
day. A stark reminder that I was lucky to be alive. My flesh
had been flayed open with such force two of my teeth were
dislodged, and I have dental implants. Unfortunately, even
after plastic surgery, the scar was still prevalent.
These days I chose to view the mark as a symbol of what
I lived through. I’ve not always felt that way. There were
many dark days after the attack happened. I was too afraid
to leave my house, horrified I looked like a monster, and
there was a time I’d contemplated ending it all. I might’ve
if it wasn’t for a very special woman, who’d I clung to like a
lifeline. VeronicaVenus21 was my savior even though I’d
never met her in real life. She was a member of a message
board I joined after I was released from the hospital. The
group was for victims of violent crimes. We’d spent hours in
the online chatroom. She’d survived a horrific ordeal, much
worse than mine, and she’d made it through. She gave me
hope.
“Good morning to you, too, Beth. I put your new sales
reports on your desk.” I flashed what I hoped was a normal-
looking smile. Because in my mind I had jumped on her
back like a spider monkey and knocked her to the ground,
banging her pinchy face into the cheap Berber office
carpet.
Bitch.
By the time lunch rolled around, I was ready to go home.
Monday mornings always sucked, but this one was
especially craptastic. My normally mild-mannered,
sweetheart of a boss, was tired and crabby. She had only
been back from maternity leave for a month, and her new
baby had colic, which in non-parent layman’s terms meant I
am miserable, so you will be too.
I’d normally work through lunch, snacking at my desk,
but today I had to get some fresh air. The entire office
seemed to be off. I grabbed a turkey sandwich from the sub
shop next door and sat on one of the benches out front and
just as the deliciousness that was a turkey on rye with extra
swiss and extra mustard was at my lips, Rory plopped down
beside me.
I jumped, squeezed, and mustard shot out of the bottom
of my yummy sandwich at the speed of light, and now I was
wearing it, a huge yellow spot on the front of my teal
blouse.
“Shit. Sorry, Meadow,” she stammered and proceeded to
molest my breasts with a napkin, further smearing the
offending condiment into the material.
I will admit for a moment I did contemplate the fact that
in the past five years, my co-worker had been the only
person to touch my breasts; and how sad that detail was. I
was twenty-six years old and hadn’t had a single sexual
experience with anyone in years – until Rory and her
exploring hands.
“It’s fine.” I stilled her hands and took over, but it was
too late. The stain was huge now, spreading nipple to
nipple instead of smack dab in the middle of my chest.
“Today sucks,” Rory huffed.
“You’re telling me.”
I was going to smell like a hoagie all day.
“It’s like a case of the body snatchers on my floor today.
Everyone is acting like assholes,” she complained.
Rory worked on the floor above mine in the accounting
department. She was nice enough, but our paths rarely
crossed.
“Oh good, it’s not just the sales team then. I thought
they’d all been infected with douche canoe virus.”
“You know, me and some of the girls from HR are going
to happy hour tonight. You should join us.”
Memories of the last time I went to happy hour flooded
and the panic that accompanies those thoughts rose to the
surface with such force I physically jerked, dropping my
sandwich on the ground.
“Fudgesicle.”
“Shit girl, are you okay?” Rory asked.
 “Yeah. I just remembered I didn’t finish Beth’s weekly
sales forecast. She’ll be pissed. I gotta get back to the
office.” I tried to cover up my freakish reaction to her
mentioning getting drinks.
Then I did what I always did when the memories of that
night became too much. I sent a message to Veronica
Venus.
 3

THE 20TH

“K ylie Peters, twenty-two, five feet one, one

hundred ten pounds.” Mike looked up from
the girl’s license and shook his head. “Poor
thing didn’t have a chance.”
The young woman looked smaller than her five-feet-one
lying crumpled on the cement behind Lucky’s Bar. It was
the twentieth, and the local PD had called the team to the
scene before they’d moved the body. Rot and decay from
the nearby dumpster masked the coppery smell of the pool
of blood around the victim’s head. Thirty puncture wounds
in the face and one knife wound to the lower abdomen.
The area was a mess. Bystanders looked on; some tried
to take cell phone pictures and video. What the fuck was
wrong with people? A woman was dead, and all some
people could think about was posting the images on their
twitter feed. The alley was too small to pull the ambulance
in, not that it was needed, but protocol dictated EMS still
answer the call. It sat at the curb next to the medical
examiner’s van. Blue and red lit up the area like a beacon
for all to see. So much for keeping these latest murders
from the media. They’d be here next, no doubt.
“Christ,” I muttered. “Looks like she took an ice pick to
the face.” Not having the stomach to look at what was left
of her face, I moved to look around the area that had been
marked off with yellow crime scene tape. No murder
weapon, no trace blood leading away from the body,
nothing. Two new bodies and we were no closer to catching
the offender.
“You ready to head back?” Mike asked. “The rest of the
team is loading up.”
“More than.”
The drive back to the office was filled with Mike
lamenting how his ex-wife was now dating. Their divorce
had only been finalized recently, and he’d been holding out
hope for reconciliation, even after the judge stamped the
final decree. They’d been married eighteen years and had
three girls, and now Mike found himself alone in an
apartment he hated while his ex and the kids remained in
the family home.
Mike parked the SUV and turned to me. “I never
thought I’d be forty-two years old and starting over. I
haven’t been on a date in twenty years. You know what she
said when she left? She needed a fresh start. I’ve been with
the BAU for almost ten years. I have a master’s in
psychology. Years’ worth of training in behavioral science
and I still don’t know what the fuck that means. What signs
did I miss?”
“I don’t know. Are you sure you missed the signs?” I
asked.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you don’t miss much. You’ve seen more than
the rest of us. Ask yourself, did you miss it, or did you
ignore it? I’ve never been married; I’m not the right person
to talk to about this. But I do have four aunts, and when
they were upset, there was no missing it. So, either your ex
was a master of deception, or you didn’t want to believe the
woman you’ve spent half your life loving was capable of
stepping out on you.”
“You’re an asshole.”
 “That may be true. I’ve been called that a time or two.
But, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. What Donna did was
completely fucked. What she’s doing now is wrong.” I
didn’t want to hurt Mike, but he had to pull his head of his
ass about his ex. “She’s not your concern, Mike. You have
three beautiful girls. They’re what is important now. Show
them how much you love them. Focus all of your energy on
them, and you’ll be golden.”
“How did you know Donna had an affair? I never told
you that.”
“Seriously? She’s textbook. Statistics show that the
likelihood a woman will divorce, especially women in long-
term marriages, strongly correlates with her preconceived
ability to remarry. Women initiating divorce after the age of
forty with children is low unless there is abuse or some
other stressor. I know there’s not abuse in your home. No
job loss, no death of a close relative, no sick child. That
leaves another man - her fresh start. You may have wanted
to keep your head in the sand, but the signs were there.
The new hairstyle, the new clothes. You bitched about her
running the cards up to get those things. The gym. Really,
you missed all that?”
“I’m afraid to ask why you know divorce rates,” Mike
said.
“Women fascinate me. You grow up hearing sayings like
happy wife, happy life. There are poems written about
women scorned, songs about women burning an ex’s house
down. What makes a woman both the loving nurturer and
so emotionally unbalanced she can key your car and toss
your shit on the front lawn all in one afternoon. Women
provide care, feed their young, cuddle and love. But there
is nothing fiercer than a mama bear when her young are
threatened. They are ruthless and merciless. Kipling wrote,
‘Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him who
denies. He will meet no suave discussion, but the instant,
white-hot, wild, wakened female of the species warring as
for spouse and child.’.”
“Son, don’t ever call a woman emotionally unbalanced to
her face or you’ll find more than your shit on her front
lawn. You can take that advice to the bank.” He chuckled,
and in true Mike fashion, when he’s done with a
conversation, he ended it, without preamble. He was out of
the SUV, already walking toward the office before I caught
up with him.
He beeped the locks and mumbled his thanks.

W E WERE MISSING SOMETHING . Thirteen bodies and still no

trace evidence had been left behind. The profile needed to
be reworked.
One white board had crime scene photos too gruesome
to look at; the other had the timeline and photographs
obtained from DMV records. There was a connection; we
were overlooking it.
“Why?” I asked the room. “Why these women?”
“They were convenient, easy targets. All had alcohol in
their system at the time of death,” Ben answered.
“None over the legal limit,” Mandy clarified.
“We’ve established the offender is sexually incompetent.
Small in stature, the unsub needs the ketamine to
incapacitate the victims; he can’t otherwise overpower
them on his own. Unassuming, non-threatening, and even
friendly. The women all left willingly. Even with the overkill
and rage, suggesting revenge or jealousy, the kill is still
controlled. He only mutilates the face and a single stab
wound to the abdomen. Organized, mid to late twenties,”
Joel read the profile.
“The first eleven were killed on the seventh. The last two
on the twentieth. Why the change in the day of the month?”
I mussed.
“The stressor changed. We thought there was a
childhood trauma that had occurred on the seventh day of a
month. The change in the day now suggests the trauma
occurred in adulthood. Something recent,” Mike surmised
and thumbed through the file in front of him.
“The ketamine? Mandy, was there a change in the
toxicology report?” I asked.
“No change. Administered orally, the high dose would
take effect approximately ten minutes after it was
ingested,” she answered.
“The only change is the stressor.” I stopped and checked
my watch; 4 a.m., too early to call in our tech Kristy. “When
Kristy comes in, we’ll have her run the seventh of the
month going back a year from the first batch of murders.
Anything newsworthy. And for the twentieth going back
four years. We need to find what is so important on those
days.”
“I’ll run doctors prescribing ketamine again.” Joel stood
and added. “Ben, where are we on the security camera in
the bar?”
“Same as the others. The day of the murder has been
wiped clean,” he answered.
“I’m going home to get a few more hours sleep.” Mandy
tried to stifle her yawn and rubbed her eyes. “I’m too old
for this.”
“Me too.” I gathered my files and picked up my cell and
tablet before heading for the door. “I’ll see you all in a few
hours.”
I didn’t bother stopping by my desk to secure my files. I
knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep; I might as well use the
quiet early morning hours to sift through them. We were
missing something big. The clock was ticking until we
found another mangled body in the alley. The BAU didn’t
catch killers, the local police officers did. The profile was
an investigative tool, one that helped the police narrow
their suspect list and save man-hours, and hopefully lives.
The problem with this case was the police didn’t have any
suspects. The team was putting in extra hours trying to nail
this guy. The more information we could provide the PD,
the faster this animal could be locked away.
I was dog-ass tired by the time I pulled into my
driveway. The early morning coffee and adrenaline had
worn off. I needed a nap; then I’d look through my notes
again. I opened my door and went in search of my girl,
Sally, and my bed.
 4

NIGHTMARES AND JAVA

“P lease don’t do this,” Meadow begged.

“You think because you’re so pretty you can
have whatever you want. Take and take. Steal
what doesn’t belong to you.”
“I don’t. I promise. I didn’t steal anything. Please don’t,”
Meadow cried out in agony as her flesh was pierced. A rush
of searing heat bloomed in her stomach and radiated
outward until it engulfed her entire body. The rough
cement scraped the skin on her back as she tried to escape
the anguish that threatened to pull her under.
“You shouldn’t take what isn’t yours, you dirty bitch.”
“Please,” Meadow begged and tried to blink to clear the
haziness.
The flash of a knife blade reflected the light from
overhead and Meadow gave in to the pain; everything went
dark.
The scream that filled the room was involuntary as I
scrambled out of bed, landing on the floor with a thud. My
legs were twisted in my sheet, which now was pulled clean
off my bed, wrapping me in a sweaty cocoon.
Why was this happening again?
I’d gone almost a year without a nightmare. No, not a
nightmare. Nightmares are scary dreams invented by your
imagination. These were memories, my reality. My living
hell.
A shower did nothing to wash away the lingering effects
of my nocturnal torture. I hated I still couldn’t stop myself
from remembering what happened. Well, that wasn’t true. I
couldn’t remember, not the most important part anyway.
The police had interviewed me dozens of times, both in the
hospital and the weeks after I’d been released. They
couldn’t understand how I couldn’t remember my
attacker’s face. I couldn’t even remember his voice.
Nothing. Just the pain. I couldn’t forget any of the pain. Not
the stab to my stomach, not the weeks of fever and
infection, and not the ache I’d felt when the doctor told me
infection had severely damaged my reproductive system
and I’d never have children.
I fucking hated remembering.
I yanked the rest of the bedding off the mattress,
dragging the bundle to the tiny laundry area, and tossed it
in front of the stackable washer and dryer. I’d deal with it
later. The lingering smell of fear filled my small apartment
and threatened to choke me.
I had to leave.
The trendy coffee house on the corner of my street gave
me a measure of comfort. I’ve been coming here for years,
ever since I’d moved to Virginia right before my attack.
Strangely this shop was the one constant in my life. I
waited in line, ordered, and took my creamy, vanilla-
flavored yumminess from Becky, the purple-haired barista.
Coffee in hand, I moved to the back of the small space to
the table in the corner, all the while thinking how sad my
life had turned out to be. I thought I’d be married by now,
maybe have a baby on the way. I would’ve finished my
degree and the only worry I’d have was whether I’d give up
my career to be a stay-at-home mom. I totally would’ve. I
had wanted kids, wanted to be a mother. Now that was
gone, and what was left was nothing short of a tragedy.
Instead of a man and a family, I had a coffee house and
Becky. The girl had been working here since the first time
I’d come in. The only thing about her that’d changed over
the years was her hair color. She’d never treated me
differently, even when I’d come in with the bandage on my
face. The only comment she’d made was, I hope they fry
the bastard that hurt you. Then she took my order and
smiled.
The bastard that did this to me would never fry. He was
never caught. He was free to walk around while I lived with
the reminder of his brutality. I didn’t need to look in the
mirror to recall what my face looked like; I had the ugly
scar committed to memory, every depression of my skin,
the zig-zag where my flesh was sewn back together, the
puckered edge near my ear. Worse than my face was the
three-inch souvenir my attacker left on my belly. He’d left
me barren, stolen my dreams, and made me half a woman.
A laugh from the table next to me pulled me from my
miserable thoughts. Two men sat facing opposite each
other. Both looked to have just finished a workout. The man
laughing was the epitome of a Hollywood movie star. I’d
seen him plenty. Sometimes he was in a suit, others in jeans
and tee, I’d even seen him in his work-out clothes before. It
didn’t matter what Nick wore; he was absurdly good
looking. I felt like a creeper sitting in my corner studying
the man, but he was that hot. I couldn’t look away; I never
could. I even felt a little weird that I knew his name. But
come on, it’s a coffee house, when your order was up the
barista called your name, and you picked up your order at
the counter. I even knew he favored a Macchiato but
sometimes ordered a frozen Vanilla Chai if it was warm out.
Five years ago, I’d almost talked to him. He was
standing next to me waiting for his coffee and right when I
had the nerve to say something his phone rang, and he
answered it with a “hi sweetie.” Of course, a man as sexy
as Nick would have a wife or girlfriend. His voice had
softened when he spoke, and I wished I had a man that
would talk to me that way. Even before my attack, I’d been
shy around men. Now? I avoid them like the plague. But
that didn’t mean I still hadn’t studied Nick over the years.
Each time I saw him I ached for a man like him - strong,
handsome, and sweet. But I’d never have that. Who’d want
a woman like me?
My phone chimed, and I looked at the screen. Smiling, I
swiped it to display a message from Veronica Venus.
VV21: Happy Sunday.
The meme attached had me giggling. The picture was of
an angry cat and the caption read: When the coffee house
changes staff, and they don’t know your order.
Me: LOL. How’d you know I was at a coffee house?
Creeper. hehe
VV21: It’s Sunday, and you’re predictable. You always
visit the famous Sam’s on the weekend.
Me: No, I don’t. I visit the famous Sam’s EVERY chance I
get. The vanilla flavored goodness is the only happiness I
have in my life.
I’d meant that as a joke, kinda. But Veronica Venus was
too perceptive.
VV21: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing. Same ol’ same ol’. Work was insane this
week. Sorry I’ve been MIA.
VV21: Bullshit. Are you dreaming again? Dammit
Meadow, why didn’t you message me?
Sigh.
I didn’t know Veronica Venus real name. She knew mine
but didn’t know “Meadow” wasn’t a made-up screen name.
My name was unusual enough when I’d signed up for the
survivor’s message board I hadn’t used a made-up moniker.
I knew she wouldn’t give up until I spilled my guts, so I
commenced telling her about my hellacious week.
I looked up from my phone in time to watch Nick and his
friend leave the coffee shop. Why did the back side of him
have to look just as good as the front?
 5

HELL HATH NO FURY

I t was almost the twentieth.

We were no closer to being able to provide the
police with any new information. The thought of
another woman facing a gruesome death at the hands of a
sick and twisted killer had my gut in knots.
Joel had been able to track down twenty doctors in the
tri-state area that had prescribed ketamine to treat patients
with mental illness. Only five of them had been prescribing
the drug for over five years. Ketamine was used to treat
depression and bipolar disorder, but it was not a drug
widely used. The side effects were horrible. Joel and Mandy
had gone to interview the doctors and see if the doctors
had any insight or useful information.
Kristy’s search of the seventh and twentieth of the
month had turned up nothing by way of news, which was
helpful and told us that whatever had happened on those
dates was personal to the offender.
Mike was at his desk angrily pounding on his laptop. The
man was getting ready to snap. His ex had introduced the
new boyfriend to his kids last night. The worst of it was
she’d called Mike beforehand and told him that the
deterioration of the marriage had been his fault. If he’d
paid more attention to her, she wouldn’t have had to look
for it elsewhere. To add insult to injury, she admitted that
she was rubbing Mike’s face in her new relationship to
show Mike what he’d thrown away.
Christ. The man looked devastated. I thought back to the
conversation we’d had in the car. Women truly were
fascinating. Soft, sexy, intelligent beings that could turn
into vengeful blood-thirsty beasts at the drop of a dime.
My attention was drawn back to the images in front of
me, the last two victims from the twentieth.
Vic one – single stab wound to the lower stomach.
Stabbed in the face multiple times with the same weapon
used on the abdomen.
Vic two – same stab to the stomach, only a secondary
weapon had been used – an ice pick.
I looked back to the very first victim from nearly five
years ago. She’d been killed the same way as vic one of the
twentieth kills. Same weapon – knife to the gut and the
face. Vic two and the second vic from the killings on the
seventh didn’t match. The second vic had a single stab, but
her face had been burned with acid.
“Hey, Mike?” I called to get Mike’s attention.
“What?” he barked.
Goddamn, the man was in a bad mood. Not that I
blamed him, but we had five days until we’d find a new
body. I needed his head in the case, not on the woman who
was hell-bent on sticking it to his friend. Donna was taking
her revenge for lack of attention to a whole new level. It
was a tad bit overkill.
Revenge.
Overkill.
“We profiled that the offender was unassuming, non-
threatening, and friendly enough that the women would
leave the bar with him.”
“Yeah. No one in the bar remembers the victim leaving.
She wasn’t taken by force; she left with him willingly,” he
reminded me.
 “I think our offender is a woman.”
“No way,” Ben said, joining our conversation. “Women
do not dole out that level of violence. They kill in the heat
of passion, spur of the moment. It is rare for a woman to
kill men that are not close to them.”
“Men that are close to them. What about a woman
killing women?”
“Even lower probability,” Ben answered.
“Hell has no fury like a woman scorned,” Mike said.
“Right. She feels inadequate, targeting women she
thinks are beautiful. A bar is a hot spot for single women
looking for a man. I bet the women she’s targeted had men
falling over themselves to talk to them that night, while she
sat and watched, stewing about all her flaws and failures to
get and keep a man. That’s why there’s no sexual assault.
We profiled the offender is sexually incompetent, and in her
mind, she is. The only commonality between all thirteen
victims is they are pretty. Our offender defaces her victims,
taking away what makes them desirable – their beauty. The
single stab to the abdomen is symbolic – the womb. She
cuts through the very thing she hates the most, their
womanhood.”
“Holy fuck,” Ben said, pulling out his tablet. “I think I
agree with you, Boy Wonder.”
“Hey, Nick.” Kristy greeted. “I ran the search for you. I
only found two women fitting your parameters. One case
was solved, before you ask, iron-clad DNA evidence and the
boyfriend confessed. That leaves Meadow Holiday. Here’s
her file.”
Kristy dropped the folder and walked away before I
could thank her.
“What’s that?” Mike asked.
“I had Kristy run victims with a single stab wound and
facial disfiguration,” I answered.
“We already did that.” He rolled his eyes.
“Victims that lived.”
 I opened the file and sucked in a breath. I knew her.
Well, I didn’t know her personally, but she was a regular at
my favorite coffee shop, Sam’s. Her hair was longer now
than it was in her driver’s license picture, but it was her.
Long, sexy red hair, creamy pale complexion, and the most
beautiful piercing green eyes.
I thought about the last time I saw her. Mike and I went
in to grab a cup of coffee after an early morning basketball
game, and she was sitting in her usual spot in the corner.
Unapproachable, closed off to the world. Meadow Holiday
did not invite conversation.
“Shit.”
“What?” Ben asked, and both men looked at me.
“This.” I held the photo up for them to see.
“Holy shit, is that the girl from Sam’s you drool over?”
Mike asked.
“I do not drool over her,” I corrected.
“Then what do you call it?” he laughed.
“Admire from afar. She’s standoffish and refuses to make
eye contact. Sits in the same corner with her back to the
wall. The first time I saw her, she didn’t have the scar. It
must’ve been a month, maybe two later, she appeared
again, and the scar was there. That was about five years
ago. I hadn’t started the academy yet. I think I was waiting
to class up.”
I scanned the report, no ketamine. Damn.
“Hey, Ben. What is maprotiline?” I asked.
“A tetracyclic antidepressant. Why?”
“No ketamine in her tox report, but maprotiline was
present. Goddamn.” I shook my head at the image of
Meadow.
“What?” Mike asked. I held up the new image for him to
see.
Meadow’s face had a single slash mark, from her ear
down across her cheek, ending at the corner of her jaw.
Her pretty face was marred with black stitches. The image
ignited a blaze in my chest I’d never experienced before.
I’d seen hundreds of pictures of victims, and sadly the
image I was holding up was mild in comparison. Seeing her
like this was different. Something clicked, and a side of
myself I’d never known came to life. I wanted to find the
person who’d dared to hurt her, not to put behind bars, but
to beat the shit out of them, make them feel the same pain
she had.
“Earth to Nick…” Mike laughed.
“What?”
“Damn. Boy Wonder is day dreaming about the pretty
vic,” Mike smiled.
“Don’t call her that. Her name is Meadow.”
Meadow.
Beautiful. Unique. Just like the woman herself. The
name fit.
“Are we going to talk to her?” Mike asked.
“Yeah. I think we should visit her at her work. We’d
scare the shit out of her if we showed up at her house,” I
suggested.
“I agree.”
“I’m going to cross reference doctors prescribing both
ketamine and maprotiline. I’ll update Joel and Mandy. When
you get back, we’ll call in Kilby and fill him in.” Ben said,
not looking up from his tablet.
“Great. Let’s go.” I grabbed my cell and keys off my desk
and headed for the door.
 6

NICK

“M iss Holiday?”
Holy sweet mother of God it was him.
And if I thought he was good looking in the
coffee house, I’d been wrong. He was way better than good
looking. And tall. Even though I’d just seen him last week
at Sam’s, I’d been sitting, and I’d forgotten how much taller
he was than me.
“Miss?” he asked again.
“Yes. That’s me.”
“I’m SA Clark and this in SA Gonzalez. Sorry to bother
you at work, but is there somewhere we can speak
privately?”
Both men held out badges and easily flipped the leather
wallet, flashing FBI – Special Agent credentials on the
other side.
“Did something happen?” I asked.
“No, ma’am. We just need a quick word in private. If
now’s not a good time we can schedule a meeting in a
public place. Sam’s perhaps?”
Shit. He recognized me. Did he think I was stalking him?
“Can you tell me what it’s about?” I asked.
“We need to ask you a few questions about your attack,”
the other man answered.
 Attack.
My vision blurred, and I fought to keep my composure.
“Meadow?” Nick called my name. When his face came
into focus, he continued, “We can do this another time. We
didn’t want to ambush you at work, but did think it would
be best to approach you somewhere you felt safe.”
Feel safe? I never felt safe. I only left my house by sheer
force of will, that and after I had a dream, I had to leave, so
the walls didn’t close in on me.
“Did you catch him?”
“No, ma’am. We were hoping you could answer a few
questions,” Gonzales answered.
“Can you give me a minute to tell my boss I’m taking my
lunch?”
“Certainly. Take your time.” Nick smiled, only this time I
didn’t revel in his good looks. The fantasy of him had come
to a crashing halt. He was an FBI agent and knew the
details of my attack. Not that I was ever planning to talk to
him, but I could pretend in my mind. Now that was over.
After a brief talk with my boss, I led the agents down the
hall to the employee lounge and braced for the onslaught of
misery. Both men waited for me to sit before Gonzales took
the seat across the small linoleum table and Nick bought
water from the vending machine and sat it in front of me.
“I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but do you remember
anything new from the night you were attacked?” Nick
asked.
That was the million-dollar question. The double-edged
sword, so to speak. Two sides of the same blade, both
equally sharp, either side would cut deep. If I could
remember more, how much more devastating would my
dreams be? Would I live out the whole attack in vivid
detail? But by not remembering, I was of no help. The man
who did this to me was still free.
“I don’t understand. I was attacked five years ago. I
went through countless interviews with the police. I haven’t
heard from them in years.”
“Again, I’m very sorry to ask you to relive something so
horrible. We have a case that is similar; that’s why we’re
here,” Nick answered.
“Similar? He did it again?”
Oh no. No. No. No. I should’ve moved back to California
when I woke up in the hospital, and my mom had begged
me to move home, but I’d refused. At the time I had friends
here, though they all slowly dwindled away when I didn’t
recover fast enough for them, and I’d continually refused to
accept their invitations to go out. There was also the issue
of my step-father. He was a jerk, and I hated him. However,
I should’ve listened to her and moved.
“Him?” Nick asked.
“What?” I asked. Now he was confusing me. Were we
not talking about my attacker?
“You said him.”
“Right.” I drug out the word, still not understanding
what he was getting at.
“What do you remember about him?” Gonzales asked.
“Nothing. I have a hazy memory of being stabbed, but
the only part of that night or the attack I can clearly
remember is the pain.”
“The sound of the voice?” Nick asked.
“Not really. I still dream about it, but each time the voice
is different. The words are always the same – but the voice
changes. Sometimes I see more of the knife as it comes
toward my face. Little details change, but the words never
do.”
Nick nudged the bottle of water and gave me a small,
sad smile. He felt sorry for me, just like everyone else did.
He’d be polite to me; I don’t think he had it in him to look
at me outright with the disgust I was sure he felt when he
saw my face. Everyone did.
“What happened? Did he hurt someone again?” Neither
of them had clearly explained.
 “We’re not sure it’s the same person, and it’s an ongoing
investigation. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you anything about
it. Would you be willing to come down to the BAU and
speak to Dr. Mandy Brown? Maybe hypnosis would help
bring some of the memories to the forefront,” Gonzales
offered.
“What makes you think I want to remember?” I snapped.
“You’re right. You’ve been through enough. Sorry to
have bothered you. I’m going to leave you my card. If you
think of anything or if you need something, don’t hesitate
to call,” Nick offered and placed a business card on the
table before he stood. Gonzales followed even though he
looked like he wanted to push the issue.
“Hey, Nick?” I called as they made their way to the door.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for the water.”
With a nod, they were gone.
Jesus, why was I such a freak? I didn’t have to snap and
bite their heads off. They were only doing their jobs. I
pulled out my phone and sent Veronica Venus a message.
Me: You know… South Dakota sounds real nice right
about now. Could I buy a piece of land next to yours and we
can hole up like a bunch of hermits and order our food
online to be delivered?
Her reply came quickly; they always did. After her
attack, she started working from home.
VV21: Why? Who upset you? That bitch Beth again?
When are you going to tell her to shove it up her ass?
That made me laugh. Veronica Venus knew all about my
troubles with Beth and her rude comments.
Me: No. She’s fine. Two detectives with the FBI just left.
They had questions about my attacker. They think he
attacked someone else.
VV21: WHAT? Why do they think that?
Me: IDK. They wouldn’t say. It’s an ongoing
investigation. What if he comes after me again?
 VV21: Meadow, don’t go there. You’re safe. Live your
life. Maybe they’ll catch him.
Me: Yeah, maybe. Back to work. I’ll message you later.
Veronica Venus sent back a bunch of smiley faces,
kisses, and a couple of cat faces.
Crazy woman. I don’t know what’d I do without her.
 7

TWO STEPS AHEAD

A nother one.
Always two fucking steps ahead.
“Kelley Morris, twenty-nine. Stab to the
stomach, face bludgeoned with a blunt object.” Joel added
the new picture to the board.
Lauren Marshall, Kylie Peters, and Kelley Morris. Three
young women senselessly murdered.
“Everything fits.” Mandy joined Joel at the whiteboard to
add the girl’s DMV picture. “The media has released the
story. They broke the news a little after 3 a.m., shortly after
the body was found. It replayed at 6 a.m. Kilby has decided
to use the coverage to his advantage and set up a hotline.
The PD made a statement as well about the extra police
presence, trying to settle the public’s fear.”
“So much for keeping it quiet,” Ben mumbled.
“Yeah. You knew that wasn’t going to happen as soon as
the buzzards caught a sniff,” Joel huffed.
The public was going to be in a panic, and there were
going to be thousands of well-meaning citizens calling in
with information, stretching the PD’s already thin
resources.
It was barely coming up on 9 a.m. and my day had
already gone to hell in a handbasket.
 My phone vibrated, an unknown number flashing on the
screen.
“SA Clark,” I answered.
“Hi. Um. This is Meadow Holiday. Is this Nick?”
“Hi, Meadow. Are you okay?”
She sounded like she’d been crying and her voice was
shaky and unsure.
“I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Go? Where are you? Are you safe? Stay put. I’ll come to
you.”
I was already out the doors of the BAU heading to the
lobby when I felt Mike at my back.
“I’m here. Well, at the address on your card. I’m sorry to
bother you.”
“Here? In the parking lot?”
We made it to the front of the building, and I scanned
the area for Meadow, but I didn’t see her.
“I’m in my car. I’m too afraid to get out,” she cried.
My heart pounded in my chest, and an unexplainable
fury pulsed through my veins. She was scared to death.
That pissed me off enough, but if one hair on her head was
hurt, I’d lose my ever-loving mind.
“There.” Mike pointed to a white Honda Accord. Sure
enough, Meadow was in the driver’s seat, her forehead on
the steering wheel.
“You did the right thing staying in your car. I want you to
look out your window. Mike and I are walking toward your
car now.” I watched as she lifted her head, looking toward
the building. “Do you see us?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to scare you more than you are. Mike has
his weapon drawn; it is for our safety. He won’t hurt you.”
“I see you,” she sobbed.
A few more strides and we were at her car. I
disconnected and shoved my phone in my back pocket and
opened the car door, not bothering to check the area before
I pulled Meadow out and into my arms. I knew Mike would
cover me while I took care of Meadow. I scanned her from
top to toe, no blood or visible injury. Thank God.
“What do you need from your car?” I asked.
“Keys.”
I reached in, pulled them from the ignition, slammed the
door, beeped her locks, and gave Mike a chin lift. Without a
word, Meadow allowed me to guide her into the lobby,
down the corridor, and into the BAU office.
When we entered Mike broke away, going to his desk to
give us privacy.
“Are you okay? Did someone try and hurt you?”
I was going out of my mind not knowing what’d scared
her bad enough to drive to the FBI office listed on my
business card. She didn’t even know if I was there.
“I saw it,” she cried.
“Saw what?” I walked her a few more feet to the closest
desk and sat her down in the chair. I knelt in front of her
and asked again, “Did someone hurt you?”
“No. I’m not hurt.” Thank God. “I saw the news. Is that
why you came to see me? You think he did that too?”
Fuck.
Goddamned news media.
There was only so much I could tell her, but I had to be
honest.
“Yes. That’s why we came to see you.”
“Ohmygod! Is he going to do that to me? She didn’t have
a face left. The news said she didn’t have a face! Nick! He’s
gonna do that to me.”
Christ Almighty.
“Hell no!” Meadow blinked and brought her gorgeous
green eyes to mine, more tears spilling out of the corners.
“No one is going to hurt you. We’re not sure if your case is
related, there are a few details that we haven’t disclosed to
the public that are different.”
 “I would’ve looked like that girl if the waitress hadn’t
heard me screaming when she went out back to throw
away the trash. I know it.”
I’d read Meadow’s file, and I wouldn’t tell her, but I
agreed. The waitress had saved her life. Unfortunately, or
fortunately for the waitress, she was smart and didn’t run
in the alley to help Meadow. She’d stood by the back door
and yelled into the bar for the kitchen staff to come and
help her. She was right to not rush out by herself, but the
person who hurt Meadow got away unseen.
“We don’t know that, and we don’t know if they’re
related.”
“I was attacked on the seventh,” she sobbed.
I knew she was. The team and I firmly believed that
Meadow Holiday was supposed to be victim number one.
I waited for her to slowly come back to herself and
asked, “There were eleven victims who were attacked on
the seventh, and I’m not accusing you of anything but did
you not hear about the murders on the news?”
“No. After the… you know… I checked out. Emotionally,
I mean. I could barely function through the day at work; I’d
been moved from my position in sales to a file clerk. I was
in the back of the office alone all day. No one spoke to me
because they were all afraid I’d have a break down or
something, and I had this huge scar on my face. No one
wants to see that. It’s gross. So, they put me where no one
would have to look at me. When I got home, I’d either sit
and try and remember what happened or I’d go online to
my survivor message board. Sometimes I’d read, but I
never watched TV. I still don’t. The news is scary; TV is full
of violence, and truthfully once you’ve lived it, you don’t
want to watch it. Besides, whenever I see the beautiful
actresses, it just reminds me of everything I’m not.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head; there was so much
I wanted to say, none of it appropriate for me to say to a
victim. Who had allowed this beautiful woman to suffer
alone in silence? No one stood by her to pull her up and
dust her off and remind her of her worth. It was a damn
shame.
“First, you are beautiful.” I stopped to touch the side of
her face, a feather-light trace of her scar. I shouldn’t have
said that, and I really should not be touching her. But fuck
it – in for a penny, in for a pound. “This doesn’t make you
any less so. You are strong, and I don’t care how long it
took you, you did it. You pulled yourself together and
survived. I’m sorry this is happening, but I’ll make sure
you’re safe.”
Another line I shouldn’t have crossed. Never promise
something you can’t deliver. We’ve yet to catch the offender
- fourteen dead women, and still nothing.
“I’ll talk to that Dr. Mandy, sorry I forgot her last name,
if you think it will help.”
So fucking brave. She reminded me of my Aunt Reagan
in that regard. When I was eleven and first went to live
with my Uncle Nolan, Reagan had been kidnapped and held
on an abandoned oil rig. The man that took her was using
the rig as a makeshift hospital to harvest black market
organs. Before my uncle could get to her, one of Reagan’s
kidneys was removed and sold. My aunt pushed through
her pain to make sure everyone around her was okay. My
family tried to shield me from as much of the details as
they could, but that experience was a defining moment in
my life. Right before my eyes, I watched as my family came
together to rally around my aunt. Family was everything.
I didn’t think Meadow had that, yet she was still strong,
willing to try and remember to help someone else.
“Mandy Brown. I want you to take some time and think
about it. Don’t make a knee-jerk decision because of what
you saw on the news. Hypnosis doesn’t always work, but if
it does, you will remember things that your mind has
buried.”
 “It wasn’t only the news. I’ve been thinking about it the
last few days. I was going to call you; I was working up the
nerve. When I saw the news, I panicked. I’m sorry I came
here, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”
“I’m glad you did. I told you if you needed anything to
call,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, but when you said that, I don’t think you meant
from the parking lot in a middle of a psychotic break.”
“Red, I’ve seen psychotic breaks, and that wasn’t one.
When I told you to call me, I meant from anywhere,
anytime. You did the right thing. Let me get you something
to drink, and I’ll see where Mandy is and introduce you.
Sorry, we don’t have Sam’s vanilla coffee here. You’re stuck
with water, bureau coffee, or I’m sure I can find you a soda
if you’d like one.”
Her pretty, creamy skin tinted pink and she smiled.
“How’d you know I like vanilla coffee?”
“Probably the same way you knew my name was Nick.”
“What do you mean, you told me your name.”
“No, Red, I introduced myself as SA Clark. And I did
show you my credentials, but I always cover my name with
my finger when I flip my shield. I don’t like the public
knowing my full name.”
Her blush deepened, and she cracked a smile. “Okay.
You totally caught me. I knew your name from Sam’s, but I
didn’t want you to think I was a stalker or something. I’m
not. It was the first day, and we were standing next to each
other. Becky called out Nick, and you reached for the
coffee, so I kinda knew from that.”
She was so damn cute when she forgot to be scared and
wasn’t hiding her face.
“Same way I knew what kind of coffee you liked. So?
What will it be?”
“How bad is the bureau coffee?”
I was so happy to see the smile hadn’t left her face and
even happier that I put it there.
 “Palatable, barely.”
“Coffee, please.”
“Coming right up. I’ll be back.”
I found Mandy and the rest of the guys in the conference
room. Thankfully they’d drawn the blinds on the only
window that looked out into the main area of the office. The
last thing Meadow needed to see was pictures of thirteen
dead women. I caught everyone up on Meadow’s
willingness to try hypnosis. Everyone nodded their approval
and Mandy followed me to meet Meadow.
I made a quick introduction, gave Meadow her coffee,
and left them talking. I thought she’d feel more
comfortable speaking with Mandy alone. Now I wasn’t so
sure. Every few minutes I’d look up and catch Meadow
giving me sidelong glances, but when I tried to hold her
stare, she’d look away.
Damn Nick. Get a grip.
I had a bad case of wishful thinking.
 8

SALLY

“T ake a few days and think about it. I’d like you
to read the information I gave you on
hypnosis.” Dr. Mandy Brown had a calming
grandmotherly appeal, though I didn’t think she’d
appreciate me thinking of her as grandmotherly; she looked
younger than my mom.
“Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy,” I told her.
“Why would I think you’re crazy?”
“For starters, I drove here in a complete freak out
because I saw the news and had convinced myself someone
was watching me then…”
“Wait. You thought someone was watching you? What do
you mean?” Her posture suddenly changed, and her smile
disappeared.
“See? Crazy. I get the feeling a lot. When I talk to my
friend who is also a survivor of a violent attack, she says
it’s normal, that I’ll always feel that way and I should
ignore it.”
Veronica Venus has been my rock over the last few
years. I would’ve become the hermit I’d joked with her
about becoming if it wasn’t for her talking me off the ledge.
The first month I went back to work was the worst. Every
time I stepped foot into the office, I could swear someone
was staring at me. When I broke down and talked to
Veronica Venus about it, she laughed and said, of course
they are. It took some getting used to, everyone staring at
me and watching me. After a while, I was able to push it
back and ignore it. I still get the creeps sometimes, and all
the hair on my arms will stand up reminding me that I’m a
freak.
“Tell me about this time. Where were you? What were
you doing?” Mandy asked.
“It really is my imagination. I was getting ready for
work. I clicked on the TV to check the weather and news
about the girl that was found last night was on. When the
broadcast showed the alley, I dropped my coffee. All I could
think about was I was found in an alley. That could’ve been
me. No one was watching me; it’s all in my head. I know it,
but it’s like there’s this disconnect between my brain and
my body’s reaction. I can’t explain it.”
“I think you explained it just fine. Where were you in
your house?”
I was sorry I’d brought up my silly notions about
imaginary people watching me. It was nothing, something
I’d learned to live with.
“I was in my living room – alone. Safe and sound; the
only threat to my well-being is my overactive crazy
thoughts.”
She seemed to contemplate what I’d said and thankfully
dropped it.
“I think you did the right thing coming here. It is always
better to be safe than sorry. You have my numbers. Use
them if you need to, day or night. And please, Meadow, if
you ever think you’re in danger – drive here immediately.
The lobby of this building never closes.”
“Thank you. But that won’t be necessary. I know you
can’t tell me anything. Nick explained the case is ongoing,
but do you think the same guy that attacked me killed all
those women?”
 That was the question I needed answered the most.
“I think there’s a strong possibility.” Mandy didn’t
bother to sugar coat the news, which I appreciated.
“Do you think you can hypnotize me?” I tried to fight
back the tears, but when one rolled down my cheek, I
angrily swiped it away. I’d given this asshole too many
tears. Too many sleepless nights. Too much!
“Yes. But I still want you to think about it.”
“Okay.” After all this time, of trying my hardest to forget
that night, it was time to dig deep and push through the
pain of the memories. If my suffering could save one
woman’s life, then it would be worth it. “Thank you for
taking the time to explain everything to me. I’ll think about
it tonight and call you tomorrow.”
“You’re very welcome. Would you like to talk to Nick
before you leave?” she asked, and I felt my cheeks heat.
I didn’t want her to think I was some kook who was
stalking her partner or making stuff up to get close to him.
“That’s alright. I don’t want to bother him,” I said
regretfully, even though I wanted nothing more than to see
him one more time.
“Don’t be silly. He’ll want to see you’re okay before you
leave anyway.” She smiled.
We found Nick across the room, not that I hadn’t been
tracking his movements around the room the entire time
Mandy had been speaking to me. I couldn’t help it; my eyes
had always been drawn to him. Even in the busy coffee
house I could look through the crowd and zero in on him
immediately. But now that the deep rumble of his voice had
been directed at me, it seemed whatever weird connection
I’d felt had locked into place, and I couldn’t stop looking to
him for comfort. Just knowing he was close made my body
tingle and come alive, a feeling I hadn’t had for a very long
time. More than that, he made me want to be brave. I had
to know something that would help them catch the man
that was killing these women. Hopefully, Mandy could
unlock the memories I’d worked hard to bury deep in my
mind, in a vault with double padlocks where I could never
access them.
“Everything okay?” Nick asked when we approached.
“Yeah.” Mandy laughed. “Meadow is getting ready to
leave.”
Nick’s features softened when his gaze landed on me.
“I’ll walk you to your car,” he offered.
“Oh no. I’ve taken up enough of your time. I don’t want
to bother you.”
Now that I’d calmed down, I was embarrassed I’d
rushed over here and made a fool of myself, crying in my
car like a complete freak.
“No bother. Besides, I was leaving anyway,” he told me,
pushing away from the desk he’d been leaning against.
“Going to pick up Sally?” Mr. Gonzales asked.
“Yeah. Lazy girl was still sleeping when I left.” He
smiled at the other agent. “I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”
Shit. I was so stupid. Of course, someone as good
looking as Nick Clark would have a girlfriend or wife.
Damn, I was a total bitch lusting after another woman’s
man. Not that I’d ever thought he’d give me a second
glance. Not only was my face hideous but I had nothing to
offer a man. I’d help the FBI as much as I could, then I’d
slink away and go back to my pitiful, lonely existence,
where my only source of friendship and human interaction
took place over the internet.
I continued to mentally berate myself all the way to my
car. Nick was quiet and watchful and waited for me to
unlock and open my door before he spoke.
“Are you okay?”
“Other than being mortified at being a drama queen and
having a panic attack, which led me here, where you got to
witness me freaking out and crying? Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll call
Mandy tomorrow, and we’ll set up a time for her to try and
hypnotize me. Hopefully, I can remember something
helpful.”
Nick took a step closer, closing the already small space
between us.
“Red, I’m happy you came here. You are not a drama
queen. Whether you remember details that are helpful to
our case is not what’s important. Maybe it will help you put
what happened behind you.”
I stiffened at his closeness. I could feel his warm breath
on my face as he spoke. Too close. Nowhere to go. No way
to escape. I was trapped between his hard body and the
door jamb.
“Whoa, Meadow. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s umm… it’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll let you get on with your
day. Thanks again for all your help.”
I maneuvered into the driver’s seat and quickly shut the
door. I knew it was rude, and I’d cut him off as he’d begun
to speak, but I couldn’t bear to stand next to him a second
longer.
It hurt.
I physically ached from the closeness.
He was everything I could no longer have.
 9

MARRIAGE?

W hat the fuck happened?

I’d asked myself that question a thousand
times over the last twenty-four hours. I’d never
read a woman so wrong in all my life. I’d convinced myself
that Meadow felt the same attraction I did when clearly
that was not the case. She couldn’t have fled faster if she
grew wings and took flight. The woman didn’t even want to
stand close to me.
Damn shame!
I couldn’t shake the feeling, even knowing she didn’t
feel the same insane pull I did. The emotion had taken root
and the harder I tried to stop thinking about her, the more I
did. The way her pretty, green eyes had sparkled with
tears, the way she’d searched me out across the room, even
the way she pulled her hair over her left shoulder trying to
hide the scar on her face was endearing.
I. Couldn’t. Stop. Or maybe I didn’t want to. I’d never
had such an instant and strong connection with a woman,
especially a woman I barely knew. There was something
about Meadow Holiday that checked all the boxes.
“Settle.”
At my command, Sally stopped her overeager puppy
bounce and stood at my side. The order in no way stopped
her excitement of being at the office. Her tail was wagging
with such force her rear-end was moving in sync.
“I’m impressed. A month ago she would’ve completely
ignored you and run around the office looking for
something to chew,” Mike said.
“How much longer do you have her?” Mandy asked.
“She was supposed to go to Gabe next month, but he has
another surgery scheduled. So, it’s up in the air. Alexandra
wants him fully healed before he takes her,” I explained.
First Class Petty Officer Gabe Lavine had been matched
with Sally by Homefront, an organization that pairs comfort
animals with vets. Sally was the fourth dog I’d fostered and
trained for the charity. Alexandra was meticulous about
pairing the right owner with the right dog. When the
shepherd was matched for Gabe, she was given to me to
train.
“I’m gonna miss her coming in with you,” Mike said and
bent down to give Sally a scratch.
“Me too. It’s gonna suck when she leaves.”
Mandy’s desk phone rang, and she broke away to
answer, leaving Mike and me with Sally.
“You’re totally transparent,” he laughed.
“What do you mean?”
“Meadow’s coming in today,” he told me, something I
already knew.
“And?” I prompted.
“And? You happened to bring in Sally.”
So, Mike had seen right through my plan. One thing my
uncles taught me was to improvise. Sally was a great ice
breaker, and I was hoping to use her to draw Meadow out. I
admit using a dog to get close to Meadow was a tad
underhanded, but all is fair in love and war, right? Not that
this was love so much as it was white-hot attraction and
interest, but the same rules applied.
It was not beneath me to do whatever it took to get
Meadow’s attention.
 “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I smiled at
Mike before I turned to Sally and gestured her to come.
“Good girl,” I praised when she followed me to my desk and
laid on the floor at my feet.
For the next three hours me, Mike, and Joel combed
over all the information we had on The Butcher. Fourteen
dots on a map marked where the bodies had been found.
The killer had remained inside a thirty-mile comfort zone.
While that narrowed it down, there were still hundreds of
bars in the area. Hundreds of locations the killer could
strike.
“Jesus Christ. We’re on the clock with less than a month
until we find another body. I hope to God Meadow Holiday
can remember something useful,” Mike muttered.
“We narrowed it down to five doctors prescribing both
ketamine and maprotiline,” Joel said, adding, “Ben is
following up with them to get their patient lists. With
HIPAA the way it is, it would’ve been faster for Kristy to get
us the information, but Kilby wanted it by the book. Which
means time, time we don’t fucking have.”
“I’ve been thinking about the security feeds.” I started,
but Mike interrupted me.
“Hold that thought. Meadow’s here.”
I looked out of the conference room window, and there
she was. Goddamn, she was beautiful. She looked too small
standing next to Mandy. And it had nothing to do with her
height. Mandy stood tall and confident, while Meadow
folded into herself, trying to disappear. That wouldn’t do!
There was no reason for a woman so stunning and sweet to
be hiding the way Meadow was.
“Close the blinds,” Joel said, as he stacked the police
reports scattered about the table.
Mike closed the blinds, and I turned the whiteboards
around so the images of the dead girls faced the wall.
Mandy would be bringing Meadow in here, and the last
thing she needed to see before being hypnotized was a
bunch of women with their faces mutilated and mangled.
Sally continued to sit as the women entered the room,
her ears had perked up and her body was vibrating with
excitement but she hadn’t otherwise moved.
“Meadow, you remember the guys, right?” Mandy asked.
“Oh my gosh. She’s beautiful. I love shepherds,”
Meadow said, ignoring Mandy’s question. I mentally high
fived myself and glanced over at Mike just in time to see
him roll his eyes. “May I pet her?”
“Sure. Sally, up.” Sally stood, and the butt wagging was
so intense her tail was making a swooshing sound.
“Gentle.” I gave Sally the all clear, and she took off, her
nails scraping the laminate floor as she skidded to a stop in
front of Meadow and sat.
“Sally?” Meadow asked, and Sally looked up at her,
tongue lolling out and all but drooling. I hoped to God she
didn’t jump on Meadow and lick her face. That had been
the first habit we broke, but as well trained as she was, she
was a puppy. And she was excited to meet a new friend.
“Her name is Sally?”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with the
question. But suddenly I felt self-conscious about the dog
having a human name. “I didn’t name her, Alexandra did.” I
felt the need to explain, but when Meadow’s face fell, I
regretted trying.
“Well, if you ladies are ready, we’ll get out of your way.”
Mike grabbed the folders off the table and headed for the
door, Joel right behind him.
I still hadn’t moved. I was overly concerned with
Meadow and her interest in Sally’s name.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. Umm… why?” She was lying.
“Mandy, can you give us a minute?” I wasn’t sure why I
felt the need to understand why Meadow’s expression had
changed, and why she suddenly seemed… sad, but I did,
and I was going to find out.
Mandy left the room and clicked the door closed behind
her. Meadow continued to rub Sally’s ears and refused to
look at me.
“What just happened?” I asked again.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you walked in here smiling, and now you look like
someone told you Santa wasn’t real.”
“You and your wife have a beautiful dog. I’ve always
wanted a shepherd.”
“My wife?”
What the hell was she talking about?
“Oh, I’m sorry. Your girlfriend.”
“My girlfriend?”
The light was beginning to dawn.
“Alexandra?”
There it was. She thought I had a woman. So, I hadn’t
imagined the attraction. I smiled at the realization and
thought back to when she turned from looking toward me
with something that looked a lot like longing to icy. It was
after I said I was going to check on Sally. The girl was
confused.
“Alexandra owns an organization called Homefront. They
match vets with dogs. I volunteer there, fostering dogs
until their permanent home is ready and the dog is trained
to meet their needs. Sally belongs to a vet named Gabe,” I
explained.
“Oh. Ummm. I thought…” she trailed off, not finishing
her thought.
“That I had a woman,” I finished for her.
“Yeah.”
Her cheeks pinkened, and I wanted to fist bump the air.
“Are you ready for today?” I asked and noticed she
hadn’t stopped petting Sally. Good. I’d leave her in here
with Meadow when her and Mandy had their session.
 “I think so. I barely slept last night. I worried I won’t
remember now that I want to. I’ve spent so much time
pushing the memories away. It will be my luck I did a good
job, and Mandy won’t be able to find them.”
“You’ll do fine. All you need to do is relax. Mandy is
great; she’ll stop whenever you need her to. Don’t push it.
If it gets to be too much, you can try again, or not.”
“I want to do this. If somewhere locked inside of me is
the break you need to find this guy, I want to remember. I
don’t want anyone else to die.”
She kept saying man, guy, him. I wondered if those
pronouns were an assumption or if she knew it was a man.
I still hadn’t asked, that was for Mandy to dig through. I
didn’t want to put any ideas in her head.
“So damn brave,” I told her.
“What? I’m not brave. I hide away from everyone.”
She looked so sad and was folding into herself again.
That shit had to stop. If I did nothing else, I’d make sure
when this was over Meadow Holiday stood tall and proud.
“Red, you don’t give yourself enough credit. Most
people, after what you went through, don’t recover. You
have. You are brave and sweet, and so damn pretty. You’re
breaking my heart standing there hunched over. You don’t
have one damn thing to hide. And before you say it, or
point it out, the scar on your face doesn’t do a goddamn
thing to take away from how beautiful you are.”
It was painful to watch her recoil at my words.
“There’s nothing beautiful about me. Not anymore. Trust
me. I’m better off blending in and being a loner. I have
nothing to offer anyone.”
I was wrong. Listening to her wasn’t painful, it was pure
agony. My gut twisted hearing her say she had nothing to
offer. As much as I wanted to correct her and tell her she
had everything, she was everything, it wasn’t the right
time. She needed to be relaxed and not freaked out when I
turned into a caveman and beat my chest until she
understood just how lovely she was.
“Red, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Before she could protest, I asked, “Do you want me to leave
Sally in here with you while you talk to Mandy? She seems
to like you.”
“I think I’d like that if it’s okay.”
“Sure, it is. Mandy knows her commands, and if she
starts to misbehave, I’ll come in and get her.”
Suddenly I was unsure about Meadow being hypnotized.
What if she did remember and it set her back? Mandy
knocked on the door at the same time as she opened it
poking her head in.
“You ready?” she asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” Meadow tried to smile, but it didn’t
reach her eyes. Hell, it barely pulled the corner of her
mouth up.
Fuck. I didn’t like this, but it wasn’t my place to stop
her. And truth be told we needed a break, some bit of
information that would help us catch this asshole.
“I’ll be right outside.”
Before I could change my mind, I left the conference
room and walked right into Joel.
“Damn, boy, you’ve got it bad.” He chuckled.
“What are you talking about?”
On an exhale he shook his head as if he was irritated,
but the smile told me he was anything but. “I’m changing
your name. You’ve been upgraded from Boy Wonder to
Glass. You’re in a room full of men that not only are trained
to crawl into your head and extrapolate any and every
emotion, but we are men. Dude, we see right through you.
You’re not hiding shit. From the moment that woman
entered the building, you’ve been hovering. Shit bro, I
think we have some bubble wrap in the supply closet if
you’d like to wrap her up.”
 I thought about lying and telling Joel he was full of shit,
but he was right, I was hovering. And I wasn’t doing a
damn thing to hide it.
“I can’t explain it. I don’t know why she’s different. And
before you say it, it has nothing to do with her being a
victim. I don’t have a savior complex. I’ve watched her for
years at the coffee house. I was going to try and talk to her,
but one day she was there, then she was gone for a long
time. When she started going to the shop again, she was a
different person. Not one part of her hinted she was
approachable. She’d made an effort to avoid everyone. So I
left her alone. Big mistake.”
“You’ve got your work cut out for you.” He made a low
whistling sound. “Hope you’re ready for her.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“You’ll find out soon enough. I’ve been married a long
time. It took me two years to ask my wife out on our first
date.”
“Okay.” That was interesting and all, but I didn’t see
what Joel’s courting process with his wife had to do with
this or the insane attraction I felt toward Meadow.
“It took me two years to get my shit straight. I knew the
minute, the very second, I’d clapped eyes on my Ellie, she
was mine. I knew I was going to marry her. So, I waited
until I was ready to be the man she needed before I asked
her on our first date.” Joel didn’t wait for my response, with
a slap to my shoulder he moved to his desk and sat down as
if he hadn’t just rocked my world.
Marriage?
No one said anything about marriage. I was infatuated
with the woman, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and
sure I wanted to know everything about her. Hell, I was still
on the fence about asking her out.
Marriage? Crazy old man.
10
 ASSUMPTIONS

“Y ou’re doing great.”

Mandy had turned off most of the overhead
lights, leaving only a small amount of light, and
with the door closed it was surprisingly quiet in the room.
“Have you ever been hypnotized before?” she asked.
“No,” I answered and continued to concentrate on
rubbing Sally’s head like she’d told me to do.
“It’s not like what you see on TV. You won’t fall asleep or
even be sleepy. Hypnosis is a state of focused relaxation.
It’s simply a psychological state, a different kind of
awareness, where your brain will be more open to
memories. Your focus will change from perceived
expectations to the actual event.” Mandy’s voice was soft
and soothing as she spoke. “I want you to continue to pet
Sally. Relax and only think about how soft her fur is. Good.
It’s soft and smooth. Now slow your breathing - deep, slow
breaths, good.”
Mandy’s voice gentled as she spoke, and it was
becoming difficult to concentrate on her words. The sound
alone was calming. Sally’s head had long ago rested on my
lap; it was heavy and warm, anchoring me to the chair I
was sitting in.
 “Keeping your eyes closed, I want you to tell me what
you had for dinner last night.”
“Orange chicken and white rice.”
“Meadow, what did you have to drink with your orange
chicken and white rice?”
“A Diet Coke out of a can.”
“Tell me what you were drinking at the Blue Bird.”
“Gin and soda.”
“Did you have lime or lemon with your gin?”
I thought back to that night. I had to wait to get the
bartender’s attention. When I finally did, I ordered gin and
soda. The noise level was so loud I had to yell over the bar
for extra lemon.
“Extra lemon.”
“Where were you when you ordered your drink?”
“At the bar.”
“Tell me about that night. You ordered your drink, what
happened next?”
“The bar was packed. Wall-to-wall people. I picked up
my drink and headed to a table that a waitress was
clearing. I sat down and checked my phone. My friend
Maya was late, and I hated being there by myself. I sipped
on my drink, and after a few more minutes I checked my
phone again. I had a missed text message. Maya had a
fender bender and was tied up with the accident and had to
cancel. There were so many people looking for an open
table I felt bad and went back to the bar so someone else
could use the table. I finished my drink, and I ordered
another. I was talking to someone.”
“Who were you talking to?”
“I don’t know. They’re right there at the bar, but I can’t
see.”
“Okay. Skip it. Can you remember what you were talking
about?”
“Purses. The bartender had filled a beer glass too full,
and some had spilled when he was passing it to a patron,
and it got on her purse. It was expensive. She called the
bartender a clumsy idiot. I was horribly embarrassed at
how rude she was. I wanted to leave, but then she
apologized to the man, and I felt better. So, I stayed.”
“What kind of purse was it?”
“It was a four-hundred-dollar Coach Edie Shoulder bag.
She told me it was a gift from her boyfriend. I thought it
looked like a waste of money.”
“You’re sitting at the bar talking about purses. What
happened next?”
“She was telling me the purse was a gift. The only nice
thing her boyfriend ever gave her. I was bumped from
behind and spilled some of my drink on my shirt. I looked
behind me, and someone had fallen. I got up and helped the
drunk girl to her feet. Her friends apologized for her
bumping into my stool, and I sat back down and finished
my drink.”
“What else did you and the woman talk about other than
purses.”
“She was flirting with the bartender, but he wasn’t
paying attention to her. I couldn’t understand why she was
hitting on the man when she had a boyfriend. I wasn’t
feeling well. I’d only had two drinks, but I thought I was
going to be sick. She helped me up and took me past the
line to get into the restroom out the back door, so I could
throw up. My head felt fuzzy, and if she wasn’t holding me
up, I wouldn’t be able to walk.”
“Where are you?”
“In an alley. We walked out the emergency exit. The door
was propped open.”
“Did you throw up?”
“No. I thought I was going to, but the fresh air felt good.
I was so hot inside the bar.”
“Where is the woman now?”
“She’s yelling at me. I tried to cover my ears, but I can’t
get my arms to work. My head is pounding. She won’t stop
screaming at me. Over and over. My head is going to
explode. It hurts.”
“Focus on her words.”
“She’s really mad. So mad. I don’t want her yelling at
me.”
“Focus on only the words. Not the pain or anger. What is
she saying?”
“She called me a bitch and a thief and pushed me on the
ground. I landed on my hands and knees but couldn’t hold
myself up. I rolled onto my back, and she was standing over
me.”
“Tell me what she’s saying.”
“I don’t know. Her lips are moving, but she is fuzzy. I can
see her but I can’t. I know she’s talking.”
“Okay, skip it. Relax into the moment. What are you
doing?”
“I’m begging. Please don’t do this. She kneeled beside
me and said, you think because you’re so pretty you can
have whatever you want. Take and take. Steal what doesn’t
belong to you.”
“Good. What do you see?”
“She has a big kitchen knife. She raised it back to her
shoulder. I told her I didn’t steal anything. I begged her not
to hurt me.”
“What hand was holding the knife?”
“Right hand.”
“Look at her hand. Focus on her fingers and tell me
exactly what you see.”
“I don’t know. It’s too hazy, and I can’t see clearly.”
“Does she have light skin or dark skin?”
“Light.”
“Good. What happens next?”
“Pain. Pain everywhere. I feel every inch the knife is
pushed into my stomach. Everything hurts. It’s too much. I
want it to stop. I can’t make it stop. I’m hot, and I can’t
breathe.”
 “Skip it, Meadow. There is no more pain. What is she
saying to you?”
“You shouldn’t take what isn’t yours, you dirty bitch.”
“Then what do you see?”
“Nothing. My head is pounding, and I can’t see
anything. I can hear her breathing heavy. I can’t see her.
She’s right there. Right in my face. She is right there!”
“Meadow! That’s enough. Open your eyes and look at
me.”
“She’s there, right there looking at me. I can feel her.
Why can’t I see her? The image is so close; I want to see
her.”
“That. Is. Enough.” Mandy clapped her hands in front of
my face, and I opened my eyes.
Unlike what I’d seen in movies when someone is
hypnotized, and they wake up not knowing what’d
happened – I could remember everything I’d told Mandy.
“Take a breath and relax. Let the image go.”
“I can almost see it, Mandy.”
“It doesn’t matter. You did great. Give your mind a rest.
The harder you try to force yourself to see it, the fuzzier it
will become. Leave it.”
She was right. The more I tried, the less I could see.
“A woman attacked me.” I had never taken into
consideration it had been a woman who had hurt me. All
these years I’d assumed it was a man, refusing to
remember anything but a few sentences from that night.
“When I dream about what happened in the alley, I hear
her yelling at me. But the voice is never the same.
Sometimes it’s high-pitched and shrill, and other times it’s
almost robotic. Same words, different voices.”
“Is the voice always a woman’s voice?”
“No. Male and female both. I always thought it was a
man.”
“The mind is programmed to process information in the
way we perceive it. That’s why I wanted to try to hypnotize
you. All that happened was we removed the expectation
and your mind was free to remember.”
Holy shit. All these years I’d thought a man had tried to
kill me. I wasn’t sure how to feel about the new revelation.
A woman!
11
 RED

T hat easily had to have been the worst hour of my

life. Hearing a victim relive an attack is always hard,
but Meadow? It took every ounce of self-control I
had not to barge into the conference room and scoop her
up into my arms and hold her. I hated she was having to
remember. I couldn’t bear to hear her pain as she relived
the attack.
“Damn, that was rough,” Ben said. He’d gotten to the
office in time to watch Mandy’s session with Meadow.
“Seems Nick was correct. We’re dealing with a female
offender. I’ll admit, I had my doubts but damn if he wasn’t
right.” Joel looked up from his tablet. “I forwarded the
session to Kilby. He’ll be back in an hour. He wants to sit
down to revise the profile. Officer Lance is coming in with
him.”
One step closer. Meadow’s pain wasn’t in vain. We were
one step closer. Hopefully, the police could make an arrest
before the twentieth.
“How is she?” I asked Mandy when she joined us.
“She’s… okay. She actually would like to talk to you
before she leaves.”
I didn’t bother answering Mandy. I hadn’t realized how
tense I had been until she told me that Meadow wanted to
see me. I didn’t know why, but the thought of Meadow
leaving without saying goodbye sat in my gut like a rock.
Meadow sat slumped forward in the chair, scratching
Sally’s ears. Seeing her with Sally made me want to talk to
Alexandra about getting a dog for Meadow. Homefront
usually only paired comfort animals with vets, but if anyone
ever needed one of their dogs, it was Meadow.
“Hey.”
“Hi. Thanks for letting me borrow Sally. She’s a really
good dog, you’ve done a great job with her.”
“Thanks. I’m gonna be sad when she has to go. But then,
I always am. I’m glad she helped.”
“Did…umm… you watch too?”
“I did. Mandy explained that the session was going to be
recorded, right?” Meadow’s face drained of all color, and
she immediately looked away from me. “Hey. Don’t do that.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did great. I know
how difficult that was for you. How are you feeling?”
“Foolish. I can’t believe I blocked out a woman had
attacked me. Did you know?”
“No. Only recently, when the case reopened, did we
consider the unsub could be a woman. However, it wasn’t
until you confirmed it that we knew for sure.”
“How did you figure out I was the first… you know,” she
asked.
“I ran a search for women who had similar wounds to
the victims, crossing that with assaults that took place on
the seventh.”
“Why didn’t she kill me?”
Meadow’s tears were my undoing. I couldn’t stand to
see them fall down her pretty cheeks.
“Sally, up.” When Sally stood I knelt in front of Meadow,
grabbing her hands in mine I squeezed until she lifted her
eyes to mine. “She was interrupted by one of the bar staff.”
“Some days I wish…”
 “Don’t say it,” I interrupted. “Don’t even think it. We’re
gonna catch her, Red, and she’s gonna pay for what she did
to you.”
“I better get to work. I only took half a day off.”
Work? Was she crazy? She needed to go home and relax.
“Any way you can take the rest of the day?” I asked.
“No. I’m hourly. If I want to continue to buy five-dollar
coffees and pay my rent I need the hours.”
That was going to change. In the very near future, she
wouldn’t have to worry about her five-dollar coffees; I’d be
buying them for her.
“What time are you done with work?” I asked.
“Five.”
“Perfect. How about I pick you up at five-thirty and we
go grab some dinner?”
If her cheeks had not been stained with tears, I might’ve
laughed at how wide her green eyes got before she
squinted and shook her head.
“What? Why?”
“I could tell you that I want to take you to dinner
because I want to make sure you are okay. But that’d
mostly be a lie.”
“So, you don’t care if I’m okay?” Her lip twitched, and I
was relieved.
“I’m quite sure you’ll be more than okay after dinner.”
“What makes you think I want to have dinner with you?”
Fuck. I overplayed my hand. “I’m kidding.” And for the first
time since I’d met her, Meadow Holiday graced me with a
smile. A real one that hit her eyes and made the green
shine.
Goddamn, she was beautiful.
“All joking aside. I’m fine. You don’t have to waste your
night having dinner with me.”
“Red, not a moment would be wasted; I get to spend
time with you.”
 I hoped the poor girl didn’t play poker; she couldn’t hide
a single expression.
“Okay. Dinner would be nice.”

B Y THE TIME Officer Lance and Kilby made their way to the
office, it was a quarter to four. Meadow lived at least thirty
minutes away, and I still had to take Sally home before I
picked her up. Of all fucking days to be running late.
The men watched Mandy’s session with Meadow, and I
wanted to crawl out of my skin. Watching the first time had
been bad enough, but the second time was torture.
“Dr. Brown, can you walk me through your interview?”
Officer Lance asked. The skepticism was hard to miss.
“I see you’re not a believer.” Mandy smiled at the man.
“As you saw on the recording, I explained to Meadow
hypnosis is a psychological state of focused relaxation - an
altered state of awareness where your mental process
works differently. It’s called top-down processing. The brain
processes top-level information first – memories and
expectations. Those memories have a big impact on the
bottom – and how your brain senses or perceives those
expectations. When Meadow relaxed and focused on the
details of her attack while she was in an altered state, she
was able to remember what she saw, felt, and heard, not
what she thought she was supposed to see.
“Top-down processing explains the placebo effect. A
doctor gives a patient a pill, real or fake, and tells him he’ll
feel great after he takes it. He feels better. His brain
expects it. He has an involuntary reaction to the pill,”
Mandy finished.
“Hypnosis opens your mind to suggestion,” Officer
Lance countered.
 “Of course, it can. But as you saw, I didn’t offer
suggestions.”
“I’m not sure I’m sold on the woman serial killer. Women
don’t kill with such extreme aggression.”
“They don’t, or they can’t?” I asked.
“What do you mean, SA Clark?”
“You said they don’t kill with such extreme aggression.
That’s not true. Women kill with the same brutality as a
man. However, they typically don’t become serial, but that
doesn’t mean they can’t.”
“What makes this woman different? If we had fourteen
dead men on our hands, I might be apt to believe a woman
was the offender,” the officer continued.
“When a woman is wronged, say her husband or
boyfriend cheats on her, she blames the woman. It’s the
woman’s fault her man stepped out of the relationship.
What does she have that I don’t? Why her? Women obsess;
they fixate on what they think are their own inadequacies.
It consumes them and eats at their self-worth until they
turn vengeful and indignant. The offender cannot kill the
object of her obsession, so she kills substitutes, beautiful
women that remind her of all the things she is not. She
defaces her victims, taking their beauty and turning it into
something unattractive and grotesque,” Mandy explained.
“Why the stab to the stomach?” Officer Lance’s tone had
turned slightly less argumentative. “The overkill to the face
is enough to kill them.
“Symbolic. The trauma is always to the lower abdomen,
pelvic region,” Ben answered.
“Goddamn. That’s one pissed off woman,” the officer
agreed. “Why the change in dates?”
“Trauma. The first trigger happened on the seventh.
Four years later a second trigger happened on the
twentieth,” Joel told him.
“It’s no secret I don’t put a lot of stock into profiling. It’s
a crapshoot. But we can use all the help we can get, so I’d
appreciate a new report I can present to my guys. We
already have more patrols set for the twentieth, but I can’t
cover every bar in the city. My tech specialist has tried to
recover the last crime scene’s security hard drive with no
luck. I’ve asked SSA Kilby to let your girl take a crack at it.
I hope we catch this bitch before I have another dead
woman with her face mutilated.”
“We’ll have something for you in the morning, and Kristy
is already working on the hard drive.” Kilby stood,
signaling the meet was over. The rest of us followed suit
and waited for Kilby to escort the officer to the lobby.
“Has he always been a dick?” Mike asked.
“He’s not a dick,” Mandy started. “I’ve known Officer
Lance a long time. He’s an old school, by the book type of
guy. If you cannot see it or touch it, it’s not real. But he’s a
good homicide detective. Believe me, he wants to catch this
guy…umm… woman just as bad as we do.”
I checked my watch and saw I wouldn’t have time to
drop off Sally or change before I had to be at Meadow’s.
“I’m done for the day. See you all tomorrow.”
I turned to call for Sally, who was patiently waiting for
me at my desk when I heard the laughter.
“Damn, hot date?” That was from Ben.
“I’ve never seen him try to run out of here so fast,”
Mandy added.
“Go get ‘em, tiger,” Mike said, causing the rest of the
group to roar with amusement.
“Careful Mike. Your age is showing. No one says that
anymore.” I didn’t bother turning around when I flipped the
group off over my shoulder. They could laugh all they
wanted. I had a date with pretty Miss Holiday. They could
all suck it.
12
 A DATE

O f all days…
Something had crawled so far up Beth’s ass, not
only had it died, but it was decaying. From the
moment I’d walked into the office after my session with
Mandy, she’d been on my case. Her sales numbers had
dropped this week, and two clients canceled their accounts
after she’d missed a meeting with them. She blamed me,
even though I didn’t keep her schedule. Bitch. I’d heard her
in her office yelling at someone on the phone; and I hoped
to God it wasn’t a client. If it was, I understood why people
were canceling their orders and their memberships to our
cloud storage service.
Beth had never been especially nice to me, but after my
attack, she’d been even bitchier. And today had been no
different. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but every
time she made a comment, it was like a slap in the face. I’d
heard it all, from how sorry she was I was now ugly, to what
a shame it was I’d never have children. The woman was
down-right mean.
I held my breath when five o’clock rolled around, and
she’d stepped out of her office, prepared for the verbal
vomit that would spew from her mouth. But when she’d
placed her reports on my desk to file she didn’t say a word.
In fact, she looked like she’d been crying. Her eyes were
red and puffy and her normally perfect makeup was
smudged. If she were anyone else, I would’ve asked if she
was okay. But she wasn’t, and I didn’t. I watched in shock
as she made her way to the door, with her purse hanging
from the crook of her elbow and her coat draped over her
arm, and silently left. No snarky comment about how lonely
it must be going home to an empty house. No boasting
about how perfect her boyfriend was. No bragging about
how he’d been hinting at marriage. It was crazy a man
would actually want to marry her. Today she was silent. I
should’ve been grateful, but instead, I kind of felt sorry for
her. When I thought about it, she hadn’t mentioned the
boyfriend in a few months.
Trouble in paradise?
I had barely enough time to get home and change before
Nick came over. I rushed through closing down my
computer and grabbed my bag from under my desk and
headed out. Now that I didn’t have Beth or work to occupy
my mind, I was getting nervous. More than nervous, my
palms were sweating the whole drive home, and by the
time I pulled into my parking spot, I’d considered
canceling.
Why was I doing this? It was a waste of time; nothing
could or would come of having dinner with Nick. He was
handsome, smart, and had a good job. I was sure like most
men, he’d want a family. Maybe he wanted to have some
fun before he settled down and found a wife. My heart sank
at the thought of being filler. That’s all I could ever be, the
filler, the space between when a man was playing the field
and ready to settle down.
Before I got out of my car, I grabbed my phone and sent
a message to Veronica Venus.
Me: Am I crazy for going on a date?
VV21: Meadow? Is this you? Have you been abducted by
aliens? A date?
 I couldn’t help but laugh at her response. I haven’t been
on a date in years. Hell, I barely leave the house. I’m a
twenty-six-year-old cat woman, minus the cats.
Me: Yes. With an FBI agent. He’s super-hot! 😊 😊
VV21: FBI?
Me: Sigh. Long story. I’ll fill you in tomorrow. He’ll be
here soon; I have to get ready.
VV21: Have fun. Be safe. And I want details tomorrow.
Wait, the FBI guy from the other day?
Me: Yes.
VV21: Sweetie. Are you sure it’s a date and he just
doesn’t want more information from you?
Ouch! As much as what she said stung, maybe she was
right. Was I making too much of this? Nick asked if I
wanted to grab dinner. He didn’t call it a date. He didn’t
even ask, really. Just I’ll come by, and we’ll have dinner.
Shit. I’d misread the situation.
VV21: I’m not being mean. I don’t want to see you get
hurt. Don’t let him use you.
Use me? Nick wouldn’t use me, would he? I didn’t know
him that well, but he didn’t seem like the type of man that
would be dishonest or underhanded.
Me: No. You’re right. He didn’t call it date. He said
“dinner.” I called it a date. I’m sure he’s being nice
checking on me since I was hypnotized today and
remembered some awful stuff.
How could I’ve been so stupid thinking that Nick wanted
to go on a date with me? He felt sorry for me, that was all.
He was a nice guy, and nice guys go out of their way to help
broken women like me.
VV21: YOU REMEMBERED?!
Me: Not everything. I’ll message you later and tell you
about it. I’m sure I’ll be home early from my non-date
dinner. How lame am I thought he asked me on a date?!
BBL. xo
 I put my phone in my purse and headed to my door. How
had I been so stupid?
“Hey.”
The voice behind me had me nearly jumping out of my
skin. I dropped my keys and spun around so quickly I
banged my hip on the door handle.
“Damn!”
“Shit, Meadow. I’m sorry I scared you. I thought you
heard me,” Nick said, and picked up my keys holding them
out for me to take.
I hadn’t heard him approach, I was too busy thinking
about what a dumbass I was thinking that a man as good
looking as Nick would ask me out, even as filler, I wasn’t
good enough for him.
“What was that?” he asked.
“What?” I looked around and didn’t see anything out of
the ordinary.
“That look. What were you thinking about? You went
from being scared to sad,” he told me.
“I did? I didn’t mean to.” I busied myself unlocking the
door. “Come in,” I offered and stepped to the side to allow
him entry.
My apartment was small, but it had everything I needed
to be comfortable. Well, most of the time. Except when I
had nightmares, then it felt too small. A bonus was it was
within walking distance to Sam’s and a grocery store. I bet
Nick lived in a nice place, with a big yard, in an upscale
neighborhood, with beautiful people who walked their dogs
on Sunday morning. They probably had beautiful people
block parties in the summer too.
“Are you sure you’re okay? If you don’t feel like going
out, we can grab take-out and stay here or go to my place.”
The backtracking has begun. He finally realized what it
would mean going out in public with me.
“I’m okay but staying in is fine. It’s probably easier any
way.”
 “Easier?” Geeze. Did I really need to spell it out for him?
“I don’t understand.”
Apparently, I did.
“Listen. It was really nice of you to want to check on me.
I promise I’m not going to have some weird mental break
and freak out. You don’t have to do this.”
“Have to do what, Meadow?” he growled. Was he mad?
He sounded mad, and now I didn’t understand. Why was he
upset? “And why would staying in be easier?”
“Really? Seriously? You want me to explain?”
“Yeah, Red, seriously.”
“Do you not see the huge, gigantic scar on my face?” I
unnecessarily pointed to it.
“Yeah. I see it. What about it?”
“What about it? You cannot be that dense. You’re a
smart man. What do you think happens when I go in
public? I can’t hide it. People look, and stare, and
sometimes point and say shit. Everyone will see you with
me and wonder what the hell the hot guy is doing with the
ugly chick.”
Shit. I hadn’t meant to say the last part.
Nick ate up the distance in three angry strides and
cupped my face in his large hands, effectively rendering me
speechless. No one had ever touched my scar and Nick had
done it twice now. Well, the doctor had, but he didn’t count.
“Meadow, not one single person better point, stare or
say shit to you when we are out together, or I’ll lose my
shield in a quick-hot-minute when I shove my foot up their
ass. Anyone who sees the two of us together and doesn’t
wonder what such a beautiful, brave, smart woman is doing
with the likes of me is a dumbass. Straight up Red, you
need to stop filling your pretty head with bullshit. Do you
think I care what other people think? Fuck no I don’t. I care
what you think. And this…” He paused and ran his thumb
across my scar, “means you’re alive. It takes nothing away
from how beautiful you are. Your beauty shines from the
inside out; scar be damned.”
If he hadn’t been holding me up, I would’ve fallen to the
floor.
“Why are you really here?”
I held my breath and waited for his answer.
“Because I want to get to know you better?”
“Why?” I asked.
“Why? Do I need a reason?” I nodded my head and he
continued. “Because I’m attracted to you and not just
physically. But that’s not to say I’m not using every ounce
of willpower right now not to kiss you. I’ve watched you for
years like some weirdo in the coffee shop, hoping that
you’d give some indication you’d welcome conversation.
But you haven’t. And while the situation that brought me to
you is fucked up, I’m not stupid, and I’m taking my shot.”
Wow. He’d watched me too.
“Say something Red. Have I freaked you out?”
“Is this a date?” I blurted out.
“Yeah. It is.”
“I haven’t been on a date since before. No one has
wanted to date me.” Damn. Now I was making myself
sound pathetic. Not that I wasn’t, but I didn’t want him to
know just how pitiful my life was.
“You’re wrong. Men take one look at you and know
they’re gonna get shot down, so they don’t approach. You
have a wall built around you that is a mile high and just as
thick. I’m not complaining. I’m pleased as hell no one has
been smart enough to saddle up with a jack hammer and
break through. But it has nothing to do with a scar and
everything to do with you screaming stay away. Whether
you mean to or not, it’s there. Just to be clear, Red, I have
every intention of breaking through.”
“You can kiss me.” What in the ever-loving hell
possessed me to tell him that? I think I was having an out-
of-body experience. So, I told him just that. “I must be in
some alternate universe or still under hypnosis because I
think I may be floating right now. Are you real?”
“Yeah, baby, I’m real. And as much as I’d love to kiss
you, we’re gonna take this slow. I have a feeling that once I
taste your sweet mouth, I won’t ever get enough.”
“Wow.”
He leaned down and closed the distance between our
lips and gently brushed his against mine. The contact was
soft and brief, and after the touch I didn’t want slow. I want
now and fast.
“You kissed me,” I breathed.
“Red, if you think that was a kiss, I hate to say it, but
you’ve been doing it wrong,” he laughed. “Sally’s still in the
car. Is it cool if I bring her in?”
“Shit, Nick. Why did you leave her in your car? Go get
her.” I pulled back and gave his chest a shove. He didn’t
move, he just stood there and smiled at me. “Are you
wearing one of those bulletproof vests?” I asked.
“No. Why?”
“That’s all you?” His chest felt like it was lined with
steel.
“All me,” he confirmed.
Damn!
“I’m gonna go get Sally before I forget we’re taking this
slow and throw you on your couch.”
He left.
I paced.
By the time he got back, I still hadn’t had enough time
to wrangle my newly-awakened sex drive under control.
“Hey, sweet girl.” I knelt to greet Sally. “Why isn’t she
coming to me?”
“I haven’t given her the command yet,” he explained.
“Oh. Well, can you? Her tail is wagging so fast I’m afraid
she’ll take flight.”
With a flick of Nick’s wrist, Sally barreled toward me
and stopped just shy of knocking me over, waiting for me to
give her love.
“How ‘bout we order a pizza and stay in,” I suggested.
“Meadow,” he warned.
“Because of Sally. Unless she can come in a restaurant
with us. I don’t want her to have to wait in the car. I
wouldn’t enjoy my meal worrying about her.”
“Is that the only reason?”
“Yes. Promise.”
I didn’t even have to think about my answer, it came
immediately, and it was the God’s honest truth. For the first
time in five years, I wanted to stay home not because of my
scar but because I wanted Nick and Sally all to myself.
“Sounds good. Mind if I change out of my work clothes?
All I have is my gym bag, so I’ll be grungy.”
Nick in workout clothes? Yes, please!
“Fine by me.”
Nick shook his head and smiled. I wondered if he could
read my thoughts? He seemed to be awfully proficient at
reading people’s facial expressions.
“Sally. Stay.”
Sally and I stayed. Sally, for her part, sat and watched
her owner walk out the door. I did almost the same thing;
only I was watching his rear end.
13
 THE MISSING PIECE

W hen we catch the bitch that had attacked

Meadow, I hoped she got the needle. Thankfully,
Virginia had one of the shortest times between
sentencing and being put to death. No woman should ever
be worried about the things Meadow was afraid of. I hoped
like hell she was exaggerating about people pointing and
commenting on her scar, but I didn’t think she was. Some
people were insensitive assholes. I saw it when I was a kid
and a friend of my uncle’s came to visit. He’d been
medically discharged from the Army when he lost his leg in
Iraq. People wouldn’t stop staring. My uncle Nolan was so
pissed, but Tony stopped him from saying something to a
group of women who were being particularly rude. He told
Nolan he was proud of his hardware. He’d given a part of
his body willingly, and no group of hags would make him
feel less proud of his sacrifice.
Maybe one day Meadow would come to understand the
mark left on her face was a testament to her strength. She
had lived. While her and Tony’s situations were vastly
different, they both endured public ridicule. Tony had
embraced it. Meadow was still rejecting the idea she was
still beautiful. It would be a long road, but I was looking
forward to convincing her otherwise.
 After I’d changed into my track pants and sweatshirt, I
realized my mistake. The thin athletic pants did nothing to
hide my hard-on. Not that my slacks did much better, but at
least the material was a tad thicker. I’d been trying the last
thirty minutes to will my dick into submission, but it wasn’t
listening. Not when Meadow was in a pair of yoga pants
sitting on the floor rolling around with Sally.
There was nothing particularly sexy about Meadow
roughhousing with the dog, but she was smiling, happy,
laughing. And that just might’ve been the sexiest thing I’d
ever seen. She was bright and carefree; it was a pleasure to
watch. The sight pulled at my heart. I didn’t think Meadow
allowed herself to be happy often. She kept herself apart,
locked away. Goddamn, the thought killed me. At a time in
her life where she should be going out with her friends,
living life, she was holed up in her apartment – alone.
There was never a week that passed when I didn’t think
about my family back in Georgia. I missed them, even after
all these years. I wished I lived closer, but never more than
in this moment. My family would take one look at Meadow,
feel her struggle, and pull her into the fold. They’d wrap
her up so tight she’d know nothing but love. I wanted that
for her, which was crazy because I barely knew the woman.
But after the small amount of time I’d spent with her, I
knew I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything
about Meadow. I wanted her secrets, her desires, all her
fantasies, and most of all I wanted her pain. I wanted to be
the one that carried the load and shouldered the burden so
she could live easy. I wanted all of that, and I planned to
work my ass off to get it – by any means necessary.
There was a knock on the door, and two things
happened at once. One I was thrilled to see, the other had
me red-hot pissed. All the happiness drained from
Meadow’s face, and she froze, shrinking back into herself.
At that, Sally immediately stopped playing and sat herself
in front of Meadow, ears up and on watch. Any reservations
I’d had about Sally being a protective guard dog flew out
the window.
I told Sally to stay, grabbed my wallet, and went to
answer the door. Thinking it was the pizza delivery, I was
shocked when I opened the door, and a woman was
standing there.
“Oh. I’m sorry, I was looking for Meadow Holiday. I must
have the wrong address,” she said.
“Beth?” Meadow said from behind me.
“Hi Meadow. I’m sorry to bother you. I didn’t realize you
had your boyfriend over.”
There was something about the way the woman said
boyfriend that pissed me off. It was patronizing and meant
to hurt Meadow. What a bitch.
“Anyway,” the woman went on, “I was stopping by to
apologize. But I don’t want to interrupt.”
“Oh, he’s not…” Meadow started.
“Nick Clark.” I held out my hand. “The boyfriend.”
“I didn’t realize you’d started dating again. I mean after
you got that… you know… on your face, I assumed you’d
sworn off men. I guess I’m just surprised. It’s been like
forever ago, and you’ve never talked about going on a
date.”
There was a low, menacing growl from Sally. I looked
back to see she’d once again placed herself in front of
Meadow. The hair on her back was standing at attention,
and her head was low, ears pinned down.
“Easy,” I told Sally and gestured for her to sit. She did as
she was told and sat on Meadow’s feet, not moving a
fraction of an inch from her.
Good girl.
Meadow had absentmindedly reached for Sally; her
hand went to her head, and she was petting her. Whether
she reached for the dog needing to ease some of her own
discomfort or she was doing it to settle Sally I wasn’t sure,
but Sally was perfect for Meadow.
 “I don’t wanna be a dick here, but Meadow and I are in
the middle of something. Is this something you can talk
about later?” I asked.
“Oh sure. I wouldn’t have come over if I’d known. I’m
sorry I’m so shocked. But look at you and look…”
“I wouldn’t finish that sentence,” I warned.
“Well. I’m just being honest. That thing on her…”
“Honest to God! Are you standing here on my woman’s
front porch insulting her? Holy shit lady, you’re fucked.
Maybe you should be more concerned about your manners
and less concerned about who Meadow is dating. Not only
is she ten times better looking than you, but she’s got a
hundred times more class. And that is part of what makes
her so beautiful. So, unless you got another apology to
hand out for being a rude bitch, I’d suggest you get gone.”
“I’ll just talk to you at the office.” Beth turned to leave
and bumped into the pizza boy, knocking the box in his
arms making him stumble back before he regained his
footing, saving the pizza. “Clumsy idiot. Watch where
you’re going.”
What the fuck?
“She’s not worth it.” In my anger, I’d missed Meadow
coming up beside me. She reached down and grabbed my
hand, giving it a firm squeeze. Her touch did wonders to
ease some of my anger, but I was still pissed.
Meadow and I would be having a conversation about
what not worth it meant. No one had the right to speak to
her the way Beth had. But first I had to get our pizza and
settle Sally down. I’d never heard her growl at anyone
before. Animals had good instincts. Sally not liking her only
further solidified my dislike of the bitch Beth.
“Pretty dog. Is he friendly?” the pizza guy asked.
“Her,” Meadow corrected. “Yes, she’s normally friendly.
Unless you’re a rude bitch apparently.”
I was happy to see Meadow’s smile was back, obviously
pleased that Sally had growled and protected her against
Beth’s insults. That kind of pissed me off as well. Not that
Sally did it, but that Meadow was genuinely pleased a dog
had stood up for her. Fuck. She had no one to make her feel
safe and cared for. No one to cushion the blow and take her
back when the world was crashing around her. I hated that
for her.
I paid for the pizza and shut the door. “Who was that?”
Meadow didn’t answer. Instead, she went into the
kitchen and started opening cabinets, getting plates and
glasses out, setting them on the counter.
“Meadow?”
“I work with her,” Meadow sighed. “She’s a miserable
human whose sole purpose in life is to be mean to people.”
“She always that rude to you?”
“That wasn’t rude. That was mild compared to how she
behaves in the office.”
“You’re shitting me?” I asked, and Meadow shook her
head. “Please tell me you are shitting me.”
“Afraid not. She’s like that to everyone except the boss.
She is sugar sweet to him and kisses his ass. She’s even
kinda mean to her clients. Today she was extra pissed
because she lost two accounts. The boss isn’t going to be
happy. Business has been down the last six months. I’m
kinda scared they might start laying people off.”
“Fusion Telcom, right? What does the company do?”
I haven’t had time to investigate the company Meadow
worked for yet. With a crazy serial killer running around
and being on a clock until she killed again, I had to
prioritize. Besides, I’d like to get to know Meadow directly
from Meadow – not a case file. I already knew too much
about her from reading police reports and medical records.
“There are two divisions, infrastructure and storage.
One team is dedicated to building phone systems,
interoffice networks, and security systems. The other is
focused on system management and storage, both onsite
and cloud systems. I work for the system management
side.”
“Sounds interesting. What do you do?”
“I work with four system managers. I handle their
reports. I’m an overpaid secretary and file clerk.”
I highly doubted that was all Meadow did, but like
anything else, she tried her hardest not to draw attention
to herself.
“What does Beth do?”
“She’s a system manager. She’s a computer whiz. Which
is a good thing, because most of her work can be done
remotely. As you saw, she’s not a people person. Most of
her clients only use our cloud storage. Very few of our
clients use onsite hard drives.”
Online cloud storage?
“Do your clients use the cloud to store their security
camera feeds?”
“Yeah. Most do. Why?”
“Nothing. A case I’m working on. The security feeds
were deleted.”
“If they were stored in the cloud, it would only take a
few keystrokes to delete the file. Any employee with the
login could do it. Or the system manager. Hell, even I have
access to our client’s storage. The only thing I cannot
access is the files they encrypt, but those folders are
typically the accounting files and bank information. People
are ridiculously loose with their information. They think
because they store it with a password someone can’t
backdoor in. They forget someone has to manage the
system and how much data they use.”
“If a file was deleted from your server is it gone
forever?”
“No way. Our servers back up everything, even folders a
client deleted on their end.”
That was it. The missing piece I needed.
14
 THE FILLER

S omething was working behind Nick’s eyes. The rest

of the world had fallen away, and he was deep in
thought. It was interesting to watch; he looked like
he was putting a puzzle together in his mind. Every few
seconds his brow scrunched, then he’d relax, and the
corner of his mouth would pull down. My favorite was when
he was concentrating extra hard; he’d bite the corner of his
bottom lip.
I picked up my abandoned pizza and took a bite,
nudging his knee. “Hungry?” I laughed.
“Yeah, sorry. What’s funny?”
“You. Has anyone ever told you, you make funny faces
when you’re thinking?”
“I do?” he laughed. “No. No one has ever told me that.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to space out on you.”
“It’s okay. Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
Nick picked up his pizza and took a bite while I gathered
my thoughts. I wasn’t sure how to ask without sounding
like a silly teenager, but not knowing was driving me crazy.
“Why did you tell Beth you were my boyfriend?” I rushed
out.
 “Honestly?” He put his pizza on the plate and set it on
the coffee table.
“Yeah.”
I wished I hadn’t asked the question. Here was the part
where he told me that he only said it to stick up for me.
Beth was a bully and, of course, someone like Nick would
want to put her in her place. But somewhere deep inside of
my belly butterflies had taken flight when he said he was
my boyfriend. It was stupid. I had no chance with a man
like Nick, regardless if he said he wanted to kiss me and
he’d said I was beautiful. I knew my place. There was no
way I’d be able to keep him, and I didn’t know if my heart
would survive when it ended.
“I said it for two reasons. The most important one is I
want to get to know you. I want to take you out on a date
and show you off before I bring you home and kiss you. I
want to watch movies and eat pizza at home while I listen
to you tell me stories about your childhood. I want things
with you, I’ve never wanted with another woman. If that
needs to be labeled as your boyfriend? I’m good with that –
more than good actually. I don’t want to freak you out, we’ll
go slow and take our time, but Meadow Holiday, there is
something about you that has made this whole other side of
me come alive. I can’t explain why - it just is what it is. I’m
smart enough to know not to fight it and aware enough to
know you’re going to fight it every step of the way. I’m
ready for the battle, even if that means I have to go to war
with what’s swirling around inside your head. I’ll fight for
you, for us, for you to give us a chance. That’s all I need, a
chance.”
I was most definitely still under hypnosis. I’d asked him
before if he was real, if I was awake, and he told me he was
but – I had to be dreaming.
No one had ever wanted to fight for me, not even before
my attack. Sure, I’d had dates, men had found me
attractive, but there was no deep connection. Not that I’d
ever felt. Since the day I’d woke up in the hospital, I’d felt
like my life was over. I’d lost so much, and not just my
looks; my sense of security, my self-confidence, and my
future were gone. The attack was my fault. I’d left willingly
with someone who’d tried to kill me. How could I ever trust
myself again? I was no good to myself or to someone else.
But now there was Nick, saying all the right things, and I
desperately wanted to believe him.
“And the second reason?” I asked.
“Because no one is going to ever make you feel less than
when I’m around. That woman wasn’t saying she was
surprised you had a man because she was happy for you.
She was trying to put you down and get the upper hand.
And that, Red, is a no-go for me. I told her this, and I’ll tell
you; you are a hundred times more appealing than her, and
it has nothing to do with physical appearance. You can take
one look at her and know she is nasty and rotten to her
core. You, on the other hand, are pure sweetness. I’d take
you with a burlap sack, sleep hair, and morning breath over
her at her best any day of the week.”
I nodded and picked up my pizza taking a bite. I didn’t
know what to say and figured if I shoved pizza in my mouth
I wouldn’t have to respond.
No such luck when Nick asked, “Are you alright with
that?”
“With what?”
“All of it.”
I closed my eyes and squeezed them together, not
wanting to see his face. “After… you know.” I was so
fucking tired of saying the word attacked. “I got an
infection. Even with antibiotic treatment, there was major
damage to my reproductive organs. I had to have a
hysterectomy. I can’t have children. I’m twenty-six years
old, and I’ll never be a mother.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, baby.”
 I heard his words and the pity in his voice. I didn’t want
him to feel sorry for me; I wanted him to wise up and stop
the madness.
“Nothing can come of this between us; you know that,
right? I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight.
You’re a great guy, and I believe you think you mean all
those nice things you said to me. But let’s face it, I’m not
marriage material. I’m filler. That’s all I can be. I thought I
was okay being that for you. But I was wrong. There’s no
way I can get to know you and not develop feelings. I think
it’s best if we walk away now before my heart gets broken.”
There. I’d said it. I let him off the hook, and when I
opened my eyes I figured I’d see some sort of relief on his
face. After all, I was being practical; he’d want a family one
day, I couldn’t give that to anyone. However, I didn’t see
relief. I saw so much anger I recoiled and scooted as far
away from him as I could in the small space the couch
would allow.
“The fuck did you just say?” he growled.
“Umm… which part?”
“The filler part,” he sneered.
Oh boy, he was mad.
“You know the women you date when you’re done
sleeping around but not ready to settle down and get
married. The fillers.” I heard the words coming out of my
mouth, and I watched as his eyes narrowed into two small
slits, but I couldn’t stop. “The woman you use to cut your
teeth on, see if you’re ready for a real relationship.”
“I’ve heard some fucked up shit in my life. I’ve seen
even more. I’ve seen the viciousness one person can inflict
on another. But never have I witnessed someone be so
cruel to themselves. Beyond that, you think so little of me
that not only do you think I would use you, but you think I
would use other women to cut my teeth. That is jacked.
Everything you just said is so fucked up I don’t know where
to begin to straighten your shit out. You. Are. Not. Filler.
Not to me, not to any other man. I still don’t understand
what the hell that means. Your head is so twisted you’ve
imagined some bullshit universe where that makes sense. It
doesn’t. It’s fucked, Meadow!”
“I didn’t mean to offend you. I was trying to explain that
I know I don’t have anything to offer a man long term. And
I’ve made peace with it.”
My clarification didn’t seem to calm him down any; he
was still red-hot mad.
“Offer a man? What the hell does that mean?”
“I can’t have kids!” I all but yelled, and Sally popped her
head and pinned her ears to her head. Damn, now I was
pissing Sally off, too.
“And?” he shrugged.
He shrugged like it was no big deal. Like me being
barren didn’t make me less than a woman.
“Does there need to be more?”
“Red, I’m real sorry to hear that happened. I’m not a
woman. I imagine it’s difficult. And I’m not saying this to be
a dick, but do you think you’re the first person that’s been
unable to have children? It sucks, I get it. But if you want to
have kids, adopt. Just because you cannot physically grow
them in your body does not mean that they will be any less
yours. Just so you know, that’s not a deal breaker for me. I
wasn’t raised by my biological parents. My dad died before
I was born, and my mom was in jail from the time I was
eleven to the day she died. My uncle and aunt raised me,
and I can promise you they didn’t love me any less because
I was not theirs biologically. I was lucky Nolan and Reagan
were there and took me in; a lot of kids don’t have that.
Why wouldn’t I want to give that to a child that needs it?
Why wouldn’t you? So, yes, Meadow, there needs to be
more.”
“I…” There was nothing I could say that didn’t make me
sound selfish or like a bitch. But he was right; I could
adopt. I had considered adopting a child on my own one
day. I honestly didn’t believe a man would ever want a
woman as badly damaged as me. Not that I would tell Nick
that; he was mad enough at me already.
“Come here.” He tugged my hand, pulling me to him.
Actually, he pulled me over him until I was practically
sitting in his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t realized I’d started, but now he’d drawn
attention to it, I felt the tears falling. I hated crying and
didn’t want him to see me so weak.
“Sorry.” I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “I hate
crying. I did enough of it for years.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. Meadow, you have to stop
thinking the worst of yourself. You are no man’s second
best. You are a strong, beautiful, woman.”
I snugged into his chest, soaking up as much heat as I
could. I needed it. I needed the comfort he offered if only
for tonight.
“I don’t feel strong. I’m sitting on your lap crying like a
baby. And I haven’t felt pretty or like a woman in a long
time.”
“We’ll change that,” he said with a confidence that
sounded a lot like arrogance.
“I don’t see how,” I argued.
Nick’s hand came up, and he brushed my hair from my
face, exposing the scar. When I tried to burrow my face into
his chest, he stopped me and forced my chin up until I was
looking into his eyes. I’d never seen eyes like his. One was
green; the other was half-green half-brown. It might’ve
been the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I was going to tell him
so when he stopped me in my tracks.
“Red, one day soon I’m gonna love you so hard you
won’t remember a time you didn’t have it. I’m gonna start
here.” He tapped my forehead. “Then I’m gonna move to
here.” His hand moved to my heart, and I felt a zap when
he touched my skin. “After I know I’ve made you a believer,
I’ll move here.” He brushed the pad of his thumb over my
bottom lip. I fought the urge to snake my tongue out and
suck it into my mouth. “I’m gonna love you so thoroughly
and carefully with my mouth and fingers there will be no
doubt you’re all woman.”
Sweet Jesus! Did he say that? I was ready to tell him
he’d already made me a believer so we could get to the
mouth and fingers part of his program.
15
 THE BEAUTY OF A TEXT MESSAGE

“H
my desk.
ey, Kristy. Glad I caught you.”
“Whatcha got Nick? Kilby needs these cell
phone records asap,” she said, stopping at

“Mike and I were just talking about security feeds at the

bars being deleted,” I explained.
“What about them?”
“Can you pull where the bars stored their feeds? I’m
looking for crossovers on any cloud servers.”
“Sure. It will take me about an hour. If I remember, all
but two used offsite storage.”
“Thanks. ‘Preciate it.” Kristy hurried off in the direction
of Kilby’s office, and I turned back to Mike. “How are your
girls?”
“Doing okay. Janey is taking it the hardest. She called
last night to complain about Donna’s new man. She
graduates high school in a month and wants to come live
with me over the summer before she leaves for college. I
told her I’d love that; Donna pitched a fit. Once Catherine
and Victoria heard the idea they wanted to come too, which
led to the conversation about living with me during the
week and staying with their mom on the weekends, to
which Donna went postal and told the girls over her dead
body.”
“Shit Mike. That’d be great, the girls living with you,” I
told him.
“It would. I’d love it. But the truth is.” Mike stopped and
looked at the ground and shook his head. “Donna might be
a lot of things - a cheating bitch being one of them, but
she’s a good mom. I know the girls are upset about the
divorce. However, I don’t want them to lose their mom.
They’ve always been tight; they’re teenage girls, they’re
gonna need her more and more. Not that they don’t need
me, but their momma is important. And trying to talk to
Donna about the fact that her bringing a man around so
soon is upsetting her girls is like talking to a brick wall. All
she says is I’m jealous, then breaks out into a tirade of how
I wronged her and all the things I didn’t give her, making
everything my fault. I’m at a loss man. There’s no
reasoning with the woman.”
“You’re a good dad.”
“I’d cut my arms off for those girls. From the minute
Janey was placed in my arms, I knew my world had
changed. There was this little girl that needed me for
everything. Having kids is life changing man.”
I knew Mike was right. I’d watched all my uncles have
kids; I’d seen first-hand how a tiny baby could bring the
toughest man to his knees. I’d never thought about having
kids of my own, not in any real way. Sure, I wanted them
and figured one day I’d have them. But until Meadow, I’d
never considered what that would be like, and biologically
she couldn’t have any. I’d told her about Nolan and Reagan
raising me, and I wouldn’t mind adoption. The words flew
out without thought as soon as I saw her pain. However, as
I laid in bed that night, I really considered what that would
mean - not having a child of my own. The thought stung.
The more I contemplated, I realized that was Meadow’s
reality, and awareness kicked in. My heart ached for her.
The way she told me she couldn’t have kids, with her eyes
screwed shut like she couldn’t bear to have them open
when she said the words, told me she’d wanted children.
Not being able to have beautiful daughters with shiny red
hair and green eyes made my insides hurt. However, I knew
deep down, if I could convince her to take a chance with
me, and Meadow and I went the distance, there was a child
out there that needed us. A child I would welcome and love.
“I guess it would be.”
“I’m gonna run some of the doctors Joel and Ben found.
You wanna grab some lunch in a few?”
“Another time? I’m gonna call Meadow and see if she
wants to meet.”
“Ah, yes, the beautiful Meadow. How’d dinner go last
night?”
Suddenly, gossiping like teenagers became more
important than his reports. He sat on the corner of my desk
waiting for details.
“I don’t know where to begin. It was eye-opening. I
knew it was going to be an uphill battle getting close to her,
but man, I didn’t expect World War three. She had some
bullshit in her head about being filler,” I explained.
I was getting pissed all over again. After I left Meadow’s
last night with a kiss and a promise to call soon, I replayed
her words over and over. Filler? What the fuck.
“What the fuck is filler?” he asked, just as confused as I
was when she told me.
“She says fillers are the women who men find when
they’ve had enough sleeping around but aren’t ready to get
married.” Mike chuckled. “What’s funny.”
“I’ve never thought about it that way, but she’s not
wrong.”
“What the fuck! Meadow is not filler.”
“No, not Meadow. I get that. All I’m saying is I
understand her logic.”
 “I do too,” Joel added, joining our conversation. Christ.
Were these two insane? There was no such thing as filler. I
took a breath, trying to lower my blood pressure when Joel
spoke. “I’m not saying her logic isn’t fucked up. No woman
should ever call themselves filler, but I can track her
thinking. Remember when I told you I knew Ellie was the
woman I was going to marry the minute I saw her?”
“Yeah, but you waited two years to ask her out,” I
answered.
“Right. Do you think I was a monk for two years? I
wasn’t. I still dated, still slept around. I’m not bragging and
not proud of what I did, but I was young. I knew myself,
and I wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment. In the two
years I dated other women, I knew I’d never fall in love
with them, I would never offer them anything more than a
few months. I already knew Ellie was it for me. I simply
wasn’t ready for her.”
I thought about what Joel said, and I could understand
what he was saying, but it was still jacked.
“So, you fucked other women knowing that the woman
you wanted to spend your life with was right in front of
you?”
“Yep. I knew I needed to get all the childish bullshit out
of my system before I could go to Ellie as a man, not a boy.
I was still at frat parties every weekend. I had to finish
school, and yes, I had to sleep with other women. I’m not
saying I was some sleazeball, but there were a few. If I
hadn’t grown up and waited, I knew I’d wonder if I was
losing out on the college experience, or if there was
something I was missing. I know myself. I needed to be the
man she needed because she deserved nothing less. Ellie
is… everything. I never stopped watching and waiting.”
“Quite the chance you took. Ellie is a beautiful woman.
You’re lucky someone else didn’t scoop her up,” Mike
laughed.
 “I was never worried. There was no way she could ever
fall in love with someone else. Not when the connection we
had was so strong. She needed to live and grow too.
Besides, look at me, you think another man could stand a
chance?”
Mike and I both laughed at Joel’s arrogance. He was a
good-looking man, but Ellie? She was stunning and
brilliant. Joel had definitely married up. Dr. Ellie Brinkley
worked for the CDC here in Virginia.
“I’m not saying you think of her as filler, and I never
thought of any of the women I dated that way. But her? Her
self-esteem the way it is, I can see why she feels that way,”
Joel added.
“I hate she feels that way. She told me about her
hysterectomy. I didn’t tell her I already knew. That’s
another thing, she feels like she has nothing to offer a man
because she can’t have kids.”
“Adopt.” Mike shrugged, mirroring my thoughts.
“That’s what I told her. She has options but can’t see
past the fucking scar on her face. As if it matters - she’s
still Meadow, and anyone that can’t see past it is a fucking
fool.” Mike and Joel stood speechless staring at me with
matching grins. “What?”
“I know I asked you this before, but are you sure you’re
ready for her? A woman like Meadow isn’t looking for a
quick romp,” Joel asked.
“I’ve had my fair share of women. I’ve never been a one-
night stand kinda guy. I like knowing who I’m taking to my
bed. But that’s not to say I haven’t done it. Am I ready to
get married? Shit, I just met her, I can’t answer that.
However, now that I know there is a Meadow Holiday out
there in the world, I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to
learn everything about her. Hell, I want her to know
everything about me.”
“You’ve got your work cut out for you,” Mike noted,
unnecessarily I might add. I’d already known, but last night
nailed the point home. I was going to have to battle it out.
“Damn Boy Wonder, go big or go home, right?” Joel
laughed.
“She’s worth it,” I told them.
“Then fight and don’t stop until you erase all the
nonsense from her head. While talking about your lady love
has been exciting, I got work to do. Mike, you coming?”
Joel pushed away from our group and waited for Mike.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” he answered, then said to me, “dig
in deep. Dig in so fucking deep she can’t get you out.”
I watched as the guys walked away and thought about
what they’d both said. Mike was right. I was going to dig in
so deep she’d never want to get me out.
I grabbed my phone and pulled up the messaging app,
opened a new text box, and put my plan into action.
Me: Free for lunch?
I’d decided last night I wasn’t going to play games. I
wanted Meadow, and there was no sense in fucking about. I
didn’t need to play it cool and wait a few days before I
reached out and set up another date - Meadow didn’t need
that either. She wasn’t the type of woman that you kept
waiting.
Meadow: Today?
Me: Yes. Today.
Meadow: You didn’t get enough of me being a
blubbering mess last night? Are you a glutton for
punishment or a closet masochist? FYI – I don’t know how
to wield a whip.
Damn, she was funny.
Me: Lucky for you – I do.
There was a pause before my phone beeped. I hadn’t
realized I was holding my breath until I opened the
message.
Meadow: I’m not sure if the flip-flop in my belly is
because I should run and hide under my bed or if the
thought of you with a whip is… exciting.
 Any hope I’d had to control my erection flew out the
window. Fuck. I wasn’t into whips and chains but the
thought of pinkening Meadow’s ass with my palm while I
took her from behind was certainly…exciting.
Me: I don’t think the guys would appreciate me walking
around the office with a hard-on. Lunch? Can we continue
to explore the option of leather goods over burgers? And
just so you know – I’d find you if you ever tried to hide from
me.
Meadow: Yes to lunch. No to talking about this in
person.
Me: Why not in person?
Meadow: I can be brave over text. I can tell you things
without having to look you in the face and have you see me
embarrassed or shy. IDK. It’s stupid.
Damn. She was adorable.
Me: Fair warning, there will be a time when this topic
will have to be discussed face to face. Not real keen on the
thought of you texting me while I’m enjoying your body, to
tell me how much you like what I’m doing. I’ll be there in
30 mins to pick you up.
As soon as I hit send I was a little worried my message
was too crass, but when her response came back, she
shocked the shit out of me.
Meadow: What’s the equivalent of a hard-on for a
woman? Because I’m that!
Holy shit!
Me: Wet. Red, are you wet for me?
Meadow: It is too soon or forward if I say yes?
Me: Fuck no! I’ll see you in 28 mins. And just so you’re
prepared, I plan on kissing the hell out of you today.
Meadow: Yippy! But don’t expect flirty Meadow when
you get here.
I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that escaped.
“What’s so funny?” Mandy asked as she passed my desk.
 “Nothing,” I answered. Gauging the state of my dick, I
decided I should stay seated with Mandy standing there.
“Are you blushing?” she teased.
“What? No.”
Was I? Shit!
“Your face is as red as your pretty woman’s hair,” she
informed me.
Damn. A hard-on and I was blushing. What the hell was
wrong with me? She’d turned me into a sixteen-year-old
boy that couldn’t control his body’s responses.
“Did you need something? I’m leaving for lunch.” I
didn’t mean to sound rude, but I couldn’t very well stand
with Mandy there, and I wanted to get to Meadow.
“Nothing that can’t wait until you get back. I reviewed
the session with Meadow and have some thoughts about
our unsub. Find me later.”
“Will do.”
The last thing I wanted to discuss before seeing Meadow
for lunch was the case, though the mention of the unsub
and Meadow’s recorded session did wonders deflating my
rigid dick.
I waited for Mandy to walk away before I made my way
out of the office. Once I was safely in the privacy of my car,
I allowed my mind to wander back to Meadow’s text. She’d
been turned on by our exchange. That was good to know; it
gave me an idea how to ease her into a physical
relationship. I’d never done it before, but I was a quick
study. There was no doubt I’d pick up on the finer points of
good old-fashioned phone sex in no time. My dick started to
throb in my slacks at the mere thought of having Meadow
touch herself at my command.
16
 XXX

N othing, I mean nothing, could pull me off the cloud

I’d been floating on since Nick texted me. Not
even Beth. She’d made one nasty comment after
another today. This morning she was in her office when I
got to work, which was unusual, but it did happen.
However, today she made a point of coming out and
greeting me; that had never happened. Before I had the
chance to stow my purse, she’d started in. Where’d I meet
Nick, what did he do, did I know how good-looking he was,
people would stare when they saw us together and wonder
what was wrong with him. She was relentless. I was getting
ready to tell her to shove it up her ass when the boss came
in, and she turned to sugar. The same way she always did.
They’d gone into her office, and after he’d left, she stayed
holed up in her bitch lair and hadn’t emerged since.
Thank God!
I had approximately two minutes until Nick said he’d be
here to pick me up and my belly had decided now was the
right time to start doing somersaults. I couldn’t believe I’d
sent him those texts. I’d never admitted to a man I was
turned on, and I certainly never texted like that. It wasn’t
exactly sexting, but it was skirting from R to maybe one X
on the XXX rating scale. I was kind of proud of myself. Not
that I’d have the gumption to say anything like that to his
face, but maybe I could flirt a little over text with him.
I could smell his cologne before I looked up and saw him
standing in front of my desk. Beth was right about one
thing – he was damn good looking. Way out of my league.
He filled out a suit with his broad shoulders and trim waist.
I’d felt how strong his chest was and his thighs were just as
muscular. He was a fitness model rolled up in an FBI agent
package.
“Red?” Nick chuckled. “You okay?”
“Caught me staring,” I blurted.
“I don’t mind one bit. I’m finding I love it when your
pretty green eyes are on me,” he said.
“Holy crap,” came from behind Nick. When he turned,
Rory came into view.
Now she was more in his league, and suddenly I felt out
of place. She was taller than me, had a killer body I knew
she worked hard to keep, and her skin was flawless and
made up perfectly. In short, she was everything I wasn’t.
Whole.
“Sorry.” Rory shook her head and put her hand out to
Nick. “Hi. I’m Rory. Sorry to interrupt.”
Nick took her hand and gently shook it before pulling it
away and taking a step back, putting space back between
them.
“Nick Clark. Nice to meet you, too.”
“Hey, Rory, what’s up?” I asked, not wanting to be rude
but wanting this conversation to move along quickly.
“I was coming down to see if you wanted to go to lunch
with me and some of the girls,” Rory explained.
“Sorry. I have plans, but thanks.”
“If those plans include Mr. Clark here, I’d turn down the
offer too.” She stopped to wink before she finished. “Enjoy
lunch.”
The way she said lunch had me rolling my eyes. She
made it sound like lunch was code for a covert sex
operation. Geeze. Not that I’d be entirely opposed to covert
sex after Nick’s text but… Nick’s chuckle pulled me from
my thoughts.
“Thanks, we will,” he answered.
“Meadow!”
Holy shit, what now? My desk was turning into Grand
Central Station. All I wanted was to escape this place and
enjoy my lunch hour with hot Nick, but now Queen Bitch
Beth was bellowing my name as if there was a football field
between us and not twenty feet.
“Yes, Beth?”
“I need the Hoppers file when you get back from lunch,”
she demanded.
“No problem.”
I didn’t bother waiting for a reply. I pulled my bag out of
the bottom drawer of my desk and yanked when the strap
caught on the metal, causing the cheap leather to tear.
“Crap!” I picked up my now broken purse and secured it
under my armpit, determined to get the hell out of the
office.
“I told you, you need to stop buying those cheap knock-
offs and invest in a high-quality purse. My Coach bag would
never rip like that,” Beth chastised.
“Good for you,” I mumbled and made my way to Nick.
“Save me. Hurry, let’s run to the elevator before something
else happens.”
Nick’s answer was to lean down and brush his soft lips
against mine, stopping to linger just a moment before
looking at me. “I’ll always save you, Red. On three we’ll
make a break for it.”
I appreciated his humor and the accompanying smile
made the shit Beth had slung, Rory’s appearance, and my
broken purse melt away. Nick was here. We were going to
get lunch together. And he’d promised to kiss the hell out of
me.
Best day!
 As soon as we got to the sidewalk, Nick grabbed my
hand and held it on the short walk to the burger place. How
could a gesture so small and normal feel so big? I was
giddy at the contact, and it wasn’t because I hadn’t held a
man’s hand in so long, it was because it was Nick. Last
night after he went home, I’d plopped back down on my
couch, picked up the throw pillow he had been leaning
against, and held it to my face. In a total stalker move, I
inhaled, breathing in his scent, and wondered what the hell
I was doing kissing Nick. Albeit, it was only a peck, not a
passion-fueled duel of the tongues. But still. I wondered if I
was latching on to him because he’d extended a branch of
hope and he was nice to me? Was I so desperate for
attention I’d imagined things that weren’t there? After
careful thought, I’d decided my attraction had nothing to
do with my attack, the lack of affection, or anything else
negative. It was simply because of him. I didn’t want him to
save me; I wanted him to kiss me and touch me, and do all
the other things he said he was going to do because I was a
twenty-six-year-old woman. There was nothing wrong with
what I was feeling toward him. And I’d also made up my
mind to stop over-thinking everything. He’d said my scar
didn’t bother him. I was going to believe him. I had to if I
was ever going to escape the self-imposed prison I’d locked
myself in.
Bottom line? I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. Nick
had opened my eyes to another way and now that they
were opened I couldn’t bring myself to close them again.
“You’re quiet,” Nick commented as he opened the door
to the burger place offering me to enter.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be.” Damn. I was so used to
being by myself I’d forgotten to talk. “I suck at small talk,”
I admitted.
“I’m not complaining. Is everything okay? Is Beth
breathing down your neck?”
“Yeah. But that’s nothing new.”
 The hostess greeted us and walked us to a booth. I sat
and Nick slid in after me scooting close. The girl handed us
our menus and told us the specials before heading back to
her podium.
“The boss came down and was in her office for a long
time. She hadn’t come back out until we were leaving. I’m
sure I’ll get an earful when we get back. The file she wants
is one of the clients she lost.”
“Hoppers? Isn’t that a restaurant?” he asked.
“Yeah. A bar and grille type place. There are three of
them in the area. They have a new point of service system
they put online. It makes updates to the menu, pricing, and
specials. It only has to be done at one location and is
pushed through to the rest. She lost the account. All three
bars. I heard the boss was pissed; it was a big account.”
“I guess he would be.”
The waitress came and took our order. Nick being the
gentlemen he was had me order first. When we were done,
the server smiled and hurried away. It was after she’d left
the table that it dawned on me she hadn’t looked at Nick
like there was something wrong with him. The hostess
hadn’t either. Neither of them flinched at the sight of my
face or made comments. All these years I’d let Beth’s words
get in my head and take root, then it budded, and before I
knew what was happening, a huge bush had grown. A big
ugly bush of self-doubt and loathing. It wasn’t Beth’s fault;
it was mine. I’d allowed it to happen.
“Where’d you go?” Nick squeezed my knee, and when he
released his grip, he kept it there. Finding I didn’t mind his
hand on my leg; in fact, I loved it, I left it there.
With the realization people were not looking at us or
pointing at me, and with a new-found confidence, in a bold
move I put my hand over his and smiled.
“Nowhere. Tell me about Sally and how you got involved
with Homefront.”
 Over lunch, Nick told me how after he’d gone home to
Georgia a few years ago, he’d met one of his uncle’s
friends, Brian, and his companion dog. His Uncle Nolan and
Brian served in the Army together. Nick said after he’d
listened to Brian tell his story of returning from deployment
and separating from the Army and how hard it was to
adjust back into civilian life, Nick knew he wanted to be
involved. He explained because Brian didn’t have what the
military considered PTSD, he hadn’t qualified for much help
from the VA. A friend of Brian’s hooked him up with
Homefront, and they’d paired him with a dog. That was all
Brian needed, a small comfort; the loyalty of a dog and the
security it brought to help ease his anxiety. Nick called
Homefront as soon as he got back to Virginia and started
his training immediately. Within two months, he had his
first shepherd.
The amount of training Nick had to go through to
become a dog handler was crazy. I was so impressed by his
hard work and dedication to both the Vets and the dogs.
He’d already fostered four and Sally was his fifth. He was
waiting for Petty Officer Gabe Rowling to recover from his
latest surgery to take Sally. The placement was supposed to
happen last month, but Gabe had a complication with his
last surgery. Sally also required additional training. Gabe
had complete hearing loss; while he could still speak, he
was self-conscious about doing so and opted to learn ASL.
Sally is trained in both verbal and hand commands, as well
as trained to alert her owner of sounds and lights.
She was a smart pup. I’d miss her, but knowing what
Gabe was going to gain from her made me feel kind of
bitchy for wishing Nick could keep her.
Before I was ready, it was time to head back to work.
Nick had snatched the bill from the table and the waitress
was prancing away with Nick’s credit card, laughing as I
tried to call her back over to take mine.
 He grabbed my hand the same way he had on the walk
over and threaded his fingers between mine. Every couple
of feet he’d bring our joined hands up to his lips and kiss
the back of mine. I was surprised how small my hand was
in his. That, of course, led to me scrutinizing his height. I
only came up to his shoulder, and I was in a pair of strappy
wedges giving me an extra couple of inches to my normal
five-feet-five inches. His bulk, coupled with his height,
made me feel safe walking next to him. He chatted about
his buddies from the FBI, telling me he was the youngest
agent of the bunch. I’d already guessed he was by the way
all the other men in his unit were beginning to gray. I’d also
assumed correctly we were about the same age. I was older
than him by only a couple of months.
“So, I’m a cradle robber?” I joked when we got to the
elevator.
“I’d hardly call a month and a half robbing the cradle.”
He held his arm out for me to proceed and waited for the
doors to close before he continued. “Have you ever made
out with a younger man?” he asked.
He turned, caging me in with his palms on the metal
behind my head. I didn’t have a chance to think, let alone
answer before his lips were on mine. It took a moment for
the shock to wear off before I remembered to open my
mouth when I felt his tongue grazing the seam of my lips.
I opened, and he deepened the kiss, taking it from sweet
to three-alarm hot in two seconds flat. Holy shit. My world
was spinning, and I struggled to keep up. His tongue glided
and twisted with mine, and I fought to catch my breath as
he took what he wanted, forcing me to follow his lead. The
elevator came to a stop, and Nick pulled away, using his
thumb to wipe my lip.
“Wow,” I whispered, trying to regain my composure.
“Red?” he called.
I had to blink several times before his face came into
focus. “Yeah?”
 “The door’s open. Come on.”
He tugged me close to him and guided us off the
elevator into the reception area. He stopped but didn’t
release me. “Thank you for lunch.”
“I should be thanking you,” I corrected.
“I have to take Sally to meet with the trainer tonight.
Can I call you later?”
I thought about playing it cool and shrugging off his
question like it was no big deal. But one thing I really liked
about Nick was he didn’t leave me guessing. He said he
was going to call and he did. Well, he sent a text, but he’d
done it the next day after our first date. He didn’t give me
time to wonder if he liked me or talk myself out of what I
felt. He deserved the same in return.
“I’d like that.”
“Good. Come on. I’ll walk you in before you’re late and
Beth gives you more shit.”
He bent down and gave me a soft peck before he
grabbed my hand and steered me through the double doors
and didn’t let go until I was safely at my desk.
With another kiss and a promise to call, he was gone.
I stowed my broken purse, reminding myself to stop by
the mall on the way home to buy a new one and pulled out
my cell.
Me: Date number two in the books.
The response was immediate just as I knew it would be.
VV21: What? When?
Me: Lunch today. Sigh. I think I’m in love.
VV21: WHAT?! Love? Isn’t it too soon for that? Meadow,
you need to be careful. You don’t know anything about him.
And remember he needs something from you. Are you sure
he’s not using you? Sounds too good to be true.
I stared at the screen in disbelief. I’d thought Veronica
Venus would be happy for me. I was hurt she was so
negative about my relationship with Nick and this was the
second time she told me he was using me for information.
 Me: Stop worrying. It was a turn of phrase; I’m not
really in love with him. Back at work. Talk later.
So, that might have been a small white lie. I wasn’t in
love with Nick – Veronica Venus was right, it was too soon
for that - but I was well on my way to falling. I could
definitely love him, and the thought gave me butterflies.
“Meadow! The reports,” Beth yelled from her office door.
Sigh.
Why was Beth always so miserable? Would it kill her to
smile every once in a while?
“Coming,” I answered, and sent one more text.
Me: Best kiss ever! To answer your question in case you
were wondering – no, I’ve never made out with a younger
man. Or anyone in an elevator before. I approve. We should
do that again, and SOON. Have fun with Sally tonight. Give
her a scratch for me. xoxo
I turned my phone off and tossed it in my drawer and
grabbed the file Beth wanted. With a deep breath, I
prepared to enter the den of doom and gloom, reminding
myself it didn’t matter what Beth said to me, it never had, I
was happy. I wouldn’t allow her to steal that from me.
Not today.
Not ever again.
I was back!
17
 I’M THERE

T he last few weeks, the Butcher

notwithstanding, have been nothing short of a
miracle. Watching Meadow slowly come back to
case

herself was a thing of beauty. Each time we’d gone out, her
confidence grew. On our first lunch date, I saw the shock
on her face when the hostess and waitress didn’t pay us
any attention. I watched as she worked through her
emotions, every thought played across her pretty face but I
didn’t tell her I saw. Now, she seemed to take it in stride
that no one treated us, or her, any differently when we
went out in public. I’d tried to mask my surprise when we
met at Sam’s this morning, and she had her hair pulled
back in a ponytail. Something so small was a huge step for
her. Meadow always wore her hair down over her shoulder
trying to use her shiny red locks to cover the scar on her
face. Today? Today she wore it up, not trying to hide. I was
so proud of her. So damn proud I couldn’t resist taking her
in my arms in the middle of the coffee house and kissing
the hell out of her.
Another thing that had changed was, our text messages
had become increasingly X-rated. She was driving me crazy
with her suggestive messages. She still couldn’t bring
herself to flirt with me in person, but I kind of liked that
she was sweet and shy in person and a sexy minx over text.
The contrast drove me wild. She didn’t know that tonight
after I dropped her off after our date I planned on speeding
home and calling her. We were going to take the next step
from text to phone sex. I was taking our physical
relationship at a snail’s pace. I deserved a gold medal for
rebuffing her advances. Kissing had turned into full-on
make-out sessions on either my couch or hers. I’d limited
touching to over our clothes, even when she tried to get
sneaky and push her hand under the elastic of my track
pants. I’d stopped her and kissed her silly. It was killing me,
but I needed to know she was ready. I had to know without
a doubt she no longer believed herself to be filler. I was
falling in love with her, and it would crush me if she
thought I was using her.
“Christ! You’re beautiful.” I looked up from the pile of
mail on my table in time to watch her walk in the living
room.
We’d spent the day with Sally at the dog park. The entire
time we were there, Meadow was happy and playing with
Sally. I still hadn’t told her that Gabe was ready, and Sally
would be leaving the week after next. She was going to be
crushed, she and Sally had grown close. Selfishly, I wished
we could keep her. The dog did a world of good for
Meadow.
An hour ago we’d come home to drop off Sally and get
cleaned up for dinner. And holy shit did Meadow clean up
well. She’d let her hair out of the confines of the band, and
it fell in waves down her back, giving me an unobstructed
view of her cleavage. Since I’d met her, she always dressed
very conservatively, never wanting to draw attention to
herself. The short black dress with a neckline that scooped
down showing off her impressive breasts was not going to
allow her to blend in. Men and women alike wouldn’t be
able to help but notice her. If the dress wasn’t enough, the
sky-high red heels were sure to turn heads. Fuck! I wasn’t
going to be able to keep my hands off her.
“Too much?” she asked.
Her rosy cheeks and flaming red hair were too
irresistible. I abandoned the mess on the table and moved
to her.
“No. Never too much. You are a beautiful woman. It
doesn’t matter what you wear, but this? Holy shit, Meadow,
I’m reconsidering going out. There’s no way I’ll be able to
control my hard-on.” She smiled and lowered her eyes.
“Does that bother you? Knowing I’ll be sitting across from
you all night rock hard because I’ll be imagining what
you’re wearing under that dress?”
“No,” she whispered.
“Look at me.” I waited until she lifted her eyes to me. “I
love that you’re so shy. Christ, you make my dick throb
when you blush and turn away at the slightest hint of me
having an erection or when I know you’re turned on by
something I’ve said. But Red, I want to see your pupils
dilate and your face flush. I want you to look at me when I
tell you that I cannot wait to taste every inch of your body. I
need you to see what you do to me. You drive me wild,
Meadow. I’m looking forward to the day when I can watch
you come apart in my arms. I don’t want you to hide from
me, not anymore.”
She nodded and licked her lips before she replied.
“I’m…umm…not used to feeling sexy. But you make me feel
like I am. I promise it has nothing to do with…you know…
even before I never thought of myself like that. I’m nervous
because I want it to be good for you, but I’m scared I won’t
be any good at the sex stuff. I want to be. Every time we
kiss on the couch I want more, but you always stop.”
“I stop because I want to take this slow with you. I need
you to be a hundred percent comfortable with what we’re
doing and where we’re going. I want nothing more than to
sink into you, baby, trust me. But it’s more than physical. I
don’t just want you tonight and a few nights after. I want to
go the distance. I’m in this for the long run. I won’t take
you until I know you’re there with me.”
“I’m there, Nick,” she pouted.
So goddamned cute.
“Almost. We’re almost there, Red. Besides, think how
good it’s going to be when we finally make our way to a
bed. Anticipation.”
“Fine. But I want it on the record; I’m ready now. Will
you kiss me before I put on my lipstick?” she asked, then
raised her head fully to hold my gaze. “And just so you
know; all night when you’re sitting across from me I won’t
be able to stop thinking about your hard-on, and how it will
feel in my hand and in my mouth when you finally lift the
sex moratorium.”
Jesus H. I couldn’t believe my ears. I might’ve shaken
my head a few times to knock the surprise of her words
clear before I gave her the kiss she asked for.
Each time we’d kissed was no less exciting than the last.
In fact, they got better and better. Meadow was more
confident, bold, and trusting. Her tongue danced with
mine, and when she bit my bottom lip, I nearly lost control.
My hand tightened in her hair. Tugging, I tilted her head,
giving me a better angle to fully control the kiss. Damn, she
tasted like heaven, and in a moment of weakness I broke
the kiss so I could finally taste her neck. Dipping lower, I
ran my tongue across the exposed flesh of her cleavage.
She had great tits, and the thought of sucking and biting
her nipples until they were hard peaks had my dick
throbbing and begging for relief. With a final peck on her
lips, I pulled back and had to take several calming breaths
before I could talk.
“We need to leave the house, now. While I still have
enough self-control.”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she nodded and followed me
to the door.
T HE RESTAURANT WAS PACKED , leaving us to wait at the bar
until our table was ready. I was a little surprised when
Meadow ordered a beer; I took her for more of the wine
type. When I told her so, she laughed and explained that
wine made her sleepy, and if she was sleepy she’d start
thinking of crawling into her bed, which would lead to
thoughts of us getting into bed and me licking her all the
places I’d promised. She wasn’t doing my dick any favors.
It still hadn’t fully softened after our kiss, and after her
whispered admission, I was rock hard again.
The well-being of my dick won out, and I pulled Meadow
close. Taking her hand, I placed it over my erection.
Keeping her hand under mine, I used it to adjust, relieving
some of the pressure. Her body locked and her hand
squeezed. Fuck, that felt good.
“Soon,” I whispered and brought our hands up to my
mouth, kissing her fingers.
“I’m not above begging,” she said, low enough none of
the other patrons could hear.
“There are a lot of things I’ll make you beg for. Touching
me will never be one of them.”
“Hi, guys!”
Meadow nearly fell over the bar stool she was half
sitting half leaning against when she heard the exuberant
voice over her shoulder.
A shock of greenish blue hair and a huge smile greeted
me when I looked from Meadow to the voice.
“Becky, right?” I asked.
“Hey, yeah. Weird seeing you outside of Sam’s,” she
said.
Meadow relaxed and turned to the barista. “You
changed the color of your hair. It looks great.”
 “Oh, yeah, I was tired of the purple. Mom keeps telling
me my hair is going to fall out if I keep bleaching it, but,
you know. One day I’ll have to get a real job and do that
adulting stuff. I won’t be able to have crazy hair anymore.
Anyway, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to say hi.”
“No bother. It was nice seeing you too,” Meadow told
her.
“Oh, one more thing. Not that it’s a big deal or anything,
but my last day at the shop will be next week. I’m training
the new person starting tomorrow. Make sure you come in.
I want to introduce her to my regulars and teach her how
you all like your coffee before I leave.”
“Oh no. You’re leaving? Why? My vanilla coffee will
never taste the same,” Meadow teased.
“I graduated last June. Mom was happy to have me stay
until I found a real job using my degree. I finally did. I start
in two weeks,” Becky explained.
“Well, then, I guess I’ll learn to love my coffee even if it’s
not as good as when you make it.” Meadow smiled at her.
“What kinda job?” I asked.
“I got a teaching job. I majored in early childhood
development with an emphasis on delayed and learning
disabilities. I’m so excited. It’s a great private school; I’ll be
in a first-grade classroom.”
“That’s wonderful. What a great job.” Meadow’s smile
faltered, but she quickly recovered, the same way she did
anytime something to do with children was brought up.
“Good luck! We’ll be in to see you before you leave,” I
told her.
Becky waved goodbye and took off to join a group of
girls on the other side of the bar, right fucking next to
where Beth was standing. Her eyes followed Becky with a
look of pure hate. Well, it was good to know Beth was
simply a bitch of epic proportions and didn’t only have it
out for Meadow. I bet she was a lonely spiteful woman who
wondered why she couldn’t get or keep a man. It was
everyone else’s fault she was unhappy. A woman like Beth
would never look in the mirror and admit their
shortcoming. It was easier to blame others.
The pager the hostess gave me when I’d checked us in
for our reservation vibrated in my pocket, alerting me that
our table was ready. Just in time. The last thing I wanted
was Beth’s presence throwing a wet blanket over Meadow’s
happiness.
“Come on, Red. Let’s eat. The sooner we’re finished, the
sooner we can get home.”
Meadow shivered just as I hoped she would. Tonight, I
was going to walk my woman through the best orgasm
she’s ever had. That was until I got my hands on her. Then
I’d see to it personally that tonight’s was blown out of the
water.
18
 I’LL CALL YOU

“Y ou’re leaving? But…”

Nick had walked me straight into my
apartment, kissed the ever-loving hell out of
me until I’d lost my mind and was so turned on I was
rubbing myself against his erection. I’d finally gotten a
handful of it at the restaurant, and since then all I could
think about was touching it without the fabric stopping me
from skin-on-skin contact.
“I want you to do me a favor,” he told me, pulling back.
“Uh-huh.”
“It takes me twenty minutes to get home,” he informed
me of something I already knew. “I want you to take a
shower, slip into bed, and wait for me to call. Can you do
that for me?”
I was confused why he’d want me to take a shower, but
the hopeful way he looked at me had me agreeing.
“Um. Yeah.”
“Good. Twenty minutes. I’ll call you as soon as I walk
in.”
With a too-short kiss, he was out the door, leaving me
standing with my forehead against the cool wood
wondering what he was planning.
 I rushed through a shower, grabbed PJ’s, and hopped
into bed. The wait was excruciating – longest twenty
minutes of my life.
When my phone finally rang, I fell out of bed reaching it
for it; I was so excited.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Red. Did you do as I asked?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Are you in bed?” he asked.
“Yep.”
“What are you wearing?”
“Wearing?” I didn’t understand the question. Did he
want to know what color my panties were or if I was
wearing PJs?
“Yeah, babe. Wearing. There’s no right or wrong answer.
I just need to know where to start,” he chuckled.
“Start?”
What the hell was he talking about?
“Meadow. Answer my question. After your shower what
did you put on before you got into bed?”
“Oh, my PJs. A t-shirt and shorts,” I finally answered,
still unsure what my choice of clothing had to do with
anything.
“Are you wearing a bra?”
I nearly swallowed my tongue at his question.
“No.”
“Good. Now I want you to lie back and relax. Remember
what I said to you tonight before dinner?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Remember I told you I’d be sitting across from you with
my dick hard, thinking about what was under your dress?
And before we left, I got my first taste of your beautiful
tits?”
Holy sweet baby Jesus… was he… were we…
“Yeah.”
 “You have no idea how hard it was to walk out the door
and not waste showing you off in that pretty dress. It took
every ounce of self-control I had not to march us down the
hall and taste you all over. When you told me you were
thinking about touching my dick and sucking me off, I
nearly came in my pants. The thought of my cock in your
mouth is so fucking sexy; I’m afraid to touch my dick right
now. And at the bar when you said having a glass of wine
would make you think about us crawling into bed together?
Well, you felt how hard you made my dick.”
He stopped talking, and I heard the rustle of clothes on
his end. I was tingling all over, a little scared, excited, and
a whole lot turned on. I’d never done this. I’d never had the
courage to talk dirty before. Was I supposed to say
something to him? Was I supposed to touch myself too?
There was no way I would be able to stop myself if he kept
talking.
“Meadow, baby, I want you to push just your shorts down
your legs.”
“Okay.” I did as he asked. “Are you…um… naked?” I
managed to squeak out.
“Yes.”
Holy fuck. Nick was naked! And on the phone with me.
Naked. The thought caused another wave of heat to rush
through my body. I untangled my shorts from my ankles
and kicked them off the bed. The chill of the room did
nothing to cool my fevered skin.
“Are you comfortable?” he asked.
“No.”
“No?”
“Uh-uh,” I answered.
“Why not, Red. What’s wrong?”
“Because I’m so turned on I ache, and you’re at your
house, and I’m here at mine.”
“Ah. We’ll take care of the ache, Red.”
“But I want you here,” I whined.
 “If I was there what would you want me to do?”
“Touch me,” I whispered.
“Touch you? Where baby? Where do you want my hands
first?”
“Between my legs?”
“Uh-uh. I’ll start a little higher. I can’t wait to feel your
skin pebble with goose bumps as I trail my hands around
your breasts, feeling their weight as I squeeze and massage
them. Jesus, you have great tits, baby. I cannot wait to
touch them. I’m going to trace around your nipples with my
tongue until they’re tight buds standing at attention,
begging for me to suck them. Only when I get my fill, and I
have you panting with need, will I move lower to your belly,
tasting your skin, kissing and nibbling my way farther
down. Tell me, Meadow, are you touching yourself?”
Sometime between when he’d started talking and when
he’d asked my hand found its way between my legs, I ran
my hand over the outside of my panties, unbelieving at the
wetness I could feel.
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“Outside of my panties,” I told him, completely
unashamed.
“Slide your hand inside your panties. Touch yourself.” I
did as he asked, pushing the scrap of material to the side
and touching my fingers to my wet flesh. “What do you
feel?”
“Wetness,” I told him. His answering groan spurred me
on. “I’m drenched and hot. I wish you were here to touch
me.”
“Me too, Red. Soon. I can’t wait to taste you and fuck
you with my fingers as I lick you from slit to clit. Push one
finger inside, baby.”
“Oh, God!” I did as he asked, and my inner muscles
contracted. “Shit that feels good.”
 “I’m gonna touch myself Meadow. This is going to be
quick. My dick has been hard and aching for you all night. I
want you with me. Are you ready?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
I was so ready!
“Fuck Meadow. My dick is so goddamn hard thinking
about you touching yourself. Pull your finger out and rub
your clit for me.”
“Nick.”
“That’s it, Red. Rub yourself. I want to hear you.”
He was silent for a moment, and I concentrated on the
feeling between my legs. I could hear him breathing, and
the faint sound of movement.
“What… what are you doing?”
“Trying my hardest not to come as I stroke myself,
imagining how sexy you’re gonna look when I lie you on my
bed, spread your legs wide and eat you. My tongue. My
fingers. I’m gonna lap up every bit of you. After you
come…” He trailed off for a moment and groaned, causing
the first spark of spasms deep inside me. “After you come,
Meadow, I’m gonna settle myself between your legs and
sink my dick so deep you’re gonna scream for me. You
ready for that baby? For me to fuck you so hard and so long
you scream.”
“Yes,” I hissed and rubbed harder and moaned at the
building sensation.
“Meadow. I’m so close. Fuck, Red, I wish you were here
to see how hard you make me.”
“I’m really, really, almost there. Almost.” I wasn’t sure if
my words were making sense or if I was even speaking
English. The stir I’d felt had now turned into a roar, and I
was barreling toward a cliff. “Almost.”
“I’m gonna come, baby,” Nick warned. Holy shit that
was hot. This big, strong, sexy man was touching himself
while thinking about doing a whole bunch of naughty
things to me and he was going to come just imagining
doing them. Damn if that wasn’t enough to push me off the
edge, him moaning my name as he came certainly did the
trick.
I was silent for a moment while the aftershocks of my
orgasm faded, and embarrassment started to creep in. I
couldn’t believe I’d masturbated with Nick – while on the
phone. Shit. What now? Was I supposed to say thank you?
Ask him if it was as good for him as it was for me?
“I can hear your mind working, Red. Relax.”
“How do you do that?”
“I know you. You’re wondering what you’re supposed to
do now. The answer is nothing. Lie there a minute and
relax. Clear your mind of anything that comes close to
embarrassment. You are so fucking sexy, baby, you got me
off in five minutes. You know how many times that’s
happened in my life?”
I didn’t think I wanted to know the answer to that.
“No.”
“Once,” he told me.
Damn, that stung. Sure, I knew he was no virgin. Anyone
with a pair of eyes could take one look at Nick and know he
was sex on a stick. And there was no doubt he knew his
way around a woman’s body. But I didn’t want to hear
about it.
“Oh.”
“When I was a teenager and first discovered the
Victoria’s Secret catalog my Aunt Reagan had laying
around the house,” he told me.
“Ew.”
“Nothing gross about learning about your body, baby.
And I plan on knowing yours as well as I know my own. You
okay?”
His voice held so much concern; I couldn’t help the
warm and fuzzy feeling that had taken root in my belly.
“Yeah. I’m okay. Thank you.” Nick’s laughter made me
smile before I quickly added. “For talking me out of being
embarrassed. Not the orgasm, you jerk. Though I guess I
should thank you for that, too. It was really good. Am I
allowed to ask if it was good for you too? Or does that make
me weird?”
“Not weird. You can ask me anything, anytime. As for
mine, there is a mess on my stomach that’s damn
impressive, and if you made me come any harder, I
might’ve lost consciousness.”
“Thank you for dinner. I had a great time today.”
“Me too. We’ll do it again before Gabe comes to gets
Sally.”
Over dinner, Nick told me Gabe was ready for Sally. It
was so hard not to be sad that Sally was leaving. Gabe
needed her, and she was such a great dog. I knew she’d
work her magic and help the vet adjust to his new life
without his hearing. Nick explained that he would start the
process of getting another dog to foster in a month. He
asked me to go with him to meet Alexandra and pick up the
new foster pup she gave him. I loved that he was thinking
about the future and including me in his plans.
“I’d like that. Will we be able to see Sally again?” I
asked.
“Not for six months. She’ll need time to bond with Gabe
and us being around her will lead to confusion. You’re
gonna miss her, huh?”
“Yeah. I don’t know how you can do it. Don’t get me
wrong, I think what you do is amazing, but I’d never be
able to let her go.”
“It’s hard. Especially with Sally. I’ve had her longer than
the rest because of Gabe’s surgeries and the extra training
she needed. But there’s something else with her too,
she’s… I don’t know how to explain it. She just feels
different than the rest. It will be hard to see her go.”
“I’m sorry. I’m being selfish thinking about how much I’ll
miss her, and I’ve only known her a few weeks. You’ve had
her a long time.”
 “You’re not selfish Red. Listen, you get some rest. I have
to jump in the shower to clean up.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that exploded. I don’t know
what struck me as funny, but suddenly thinking about Nick
lying in his bed with a mess on his hard six-pack stomach
while talking about something as normal as his dog had me
in stitches.
“Yeah. I guess you’d better. I’m going to sleep.”
“Goodnight, Meadow. Thank you for trusting me.”
“I do. I trust you completely.”
“’night baby.”
“’night Nick.”
He clicked off, and I dropped my hand to the bed, still
gripping my phone. Holy shit that just happened. My first
ever phone sex. My first sexual experience with Nick. I was
back to laughing when my phone vibrated in my hand.
Damn, I was falling for him and fast. I pulled the text up,
excited to see what Nick had to say and frowned when I
saw it was from Veronica Venus.
VV21: You alive?!
Crap. I’d forgotten I told her I’d text her when I got
home from my date.
Me: Yeah. Sorry. Late night.
VV21: So? How did it go? Spill.
Me: I’m happy. Really, really, happy.
VV21: I’m glad. I hope it lasts and you’re being careful.
Hope it lasts? Geeze.
Me: I’m careful. He’s an FBI Agent. I think I can trust
him.
VV21: If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.
That was the Veronica Venus I was used to. Supportive
and kind. The last few times we’d talked about Nick I was
getting annoyed that her messages seemed to warn me off
getting close to him. I knew she was over cautious and was
trying to be protective, but her comments were borderline
rude and had me thinking she was jealous I’d found a way
to finally move past what had happened to me.
Me: I am happy. Thank you for always being such a good
friend. I’m beat! The alarm will be going off too soon. I’m
off to bed. Night.
VV21: Sleep tight.
19
 A LOT LIKE LOVE

“I t’s the nineteenth Mike.” I paced in the

conference room.
Still no closer to catching the Butcher. My skin
was crawling with a dread I couldn’t understand.
Something was off; my gut was screaming at me that
something had changed. Something big and I was missing
it.
“There are cops swarming the city, undercovers in bars;
the news has been broadcasting the murders for the last
three months on almost constant replay. Citizens know to
be careful. The police have been in contact with bar and
restaurant owners to inform their employees to be hyper-
vigilant. We’re doing everything we can,” he reminded me.
“Fuck. I know. I can’t help thinking she’ll change up her
MO if she feels the heat. She’ll have to change something –
I just can’t figure out what it is.”
“Are you sure you’re not overthinking it now because of
Meadow?”
“Maybe you’re right. All day all I’ve thought about is
Meadow in a dirty alley, her face cut to ribbons.”
“That’s not going to happen. Meadow is safe. You need
to keep your head straight, so we can catch her,” Mike told
me.
 “I know.”
My frustration was mounting. How the fuck had this
woman evaded the police? Fourteen kills, one victim alive. I
hated thinking about Meadow as victim number one, but
that’s what she was. The one that got away. If she tried to
come back… No! Meadow was safe.
Of all nights, the nineteenth fell on a Thursday. The
busiest night for a bar in the area, busier than Friday and
Saturday. The weekday rush was thanks to the Thursday
night special. Most bars ran two-for-one specials or had the
very popular ladies’ night where women didn’t pay a cover
charge.
“Did you finish the list Kristy gave you?” Mike asked.
“Yes. Nothing. The bars did use online services for
storage, but each bar used a different host. And two bars
didn’t use a cloud-based service. They stored their files on
a hard drive in the manager’s office.”
“Dead end,” he muttered. “Joel and Ben are still trying
to get a warrant so the doctors will release their patient
list. I get HIPAA and protecting privacy, but there is a serial
killer out there, and her name must be on one of those lists.
The red tape is damn frustrating.”
“Sure as fuck is,” I answered.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, unable to stop
myself any longer. I needed to know Meadow was safe.
Me: How’s your day?
Meadow: Is it illegal to tie up one’s co-worker and duct
tape her to a chair? A gag might be involved too. Asking for
a friend….
I snorted a laugh; having no doubt that if I gave Meadow
the go-ahead, she’d tape Beth to a chair. According to
Meadow, Beth was on a tirade at work, and Beth didn’t
much like that Meadow was no longer taking her shit. The
more Meadow had stood up to Beth, the bitchier she
became. Which was true for most bullies. Beth no longer
had the upper hand, and it was driving her nuts.
 Me: Tape is not a good choice. Too easy to leave behind
fingerprints. Even though, you’d look super sexy in orange,
it would be a shame if I had to visit you behind glass. It
would really put a damper on all the things I want to do to
you.
Meadow: No tape - check. Rope? And do tell SA Clark,
what types of things would you like to do to me.
Me: Filthy, naughty things. Things that would make your
pretty cheeks pink.
Meadow: *squirming in my seat* details?
Me: Better idea. Dinner at my house tonight and I’ll
show you.
Meadow: Show or tell?
Me: Show. Pack a bag. You’ll be in no shape to drive
when I’m done. Not that I’d let you leave.
There were several minutes of silence, and I hoped I
made the right call. Since the first night we’d both gotten
off over the phone, it’d happened two more times. The last
call, she’d initiated the sex. It was off-the-charts hot. I was
getting hard thinking about how bold Meadow had grown.
She’d been vocal telling me exactly where and how she
wanted me to touch her. She moaned into the phone,
explaining in great detail how badly she wanted to touch
me.
I thought that was a good indication she was ready to
move forward, but now after five minutes with no reply, I
was questioning myself.
Me: Meadow?
Another ten minutes passed and nothing. I called, and I
went straight to voicemail. Her phone was either off, or
she’d done it on purpose. Fuck.
It was the nineteenth. Meadow. Fuck. My gut twisted
some more, and I dialed her office number.
“Meadow Holiday,” she greeted out of breath.
“You okay?”
“Yeah why?” she asked, trying to catch her breath.
 “You didn’t reply to my last two texts. I wanted to make
sure you weren’t upset with me.”
She was safe. If she was pissed, so be it. I could handle
that.
“Oh. Sorry. My phone died. I had to run to my car to get
my charger. That’s why I’m out of breath. Before I could go,
queen bitch face needed a file. Right now. Immediately.
Urgent. Couldn’t wait.” I smiled at the way Meadow had
said the last few words, sarcasm dripping in her tone. I
could picture her rolling her eyes as she spoke. “Anyway.
Dinner at your house sounds great and… the fun stuff too.”
“Great. Meet me there at six?”
“Yes. If you’re not visiting me behind bars tonight. She’s
crazy!”
“You can handle her. See you soon, baby.”
I heard Beth barking orders in the background before
Meadow sighed. “Tonight. Bye.”

“N ICK !” Meadow moaned and thrashed her head on the

pillow.
“Yeah, Red?” I chuckled, knowing what she was going to
say; the same thing she’d been begging me to do the last
twenty minutes.
“I need you.”
“I’m not done yet,” I repeated what I’d already told her.
She was trying to move me along. Her hands were in my
hair, and she was trying to push my head where she
wanted. “Baby, the more you stop me, the longer it will
take. I’ve waited forever to taste your pretty nipples and
now that I have them in my mouth, I’m not done.”
“You’re killing me,” she whined, taking one hand from
my head and trying to push it between us.
 “No. No. Meadow. No touching yourself. When you come
this time, it is all mine.”
I bit her nipple, and she shook, calling out my name
again. After a few more licks I moved my way down her
stomach, not wasting any time as I trailed my tongue
across her flat stomach, lower until I stopped just shy of
where she needed me.
“Is this where you want me?” I asked, spreading her
with my fingers, exposing her soft, wet, pink flesh. Her legs
fell further apart, giving me room to lower my mouth and
give her one long lick, gathering her wetness, savoring the
taste of her. “Fuck, Red, you taste so damn delicious.”
“Uh-huh. Please.”
“Hold on to my head. I’m gonna make you come.”
Both her hands went to my head, my mouth latched on
to her clit, and my fingers found her wet pussy. She was so
primed and ready to orgasm it took mere minutes to make
her detonate. She screamed her pleasure, and my chest
swelled knowing it wasn’t my words but my actions that
had brought her off.
Before the tightening of her muscles stopped, I pulled
my fingers free and pushed up, settling myself between her
legs.
“You sure you’re still okay with this?” I asked and held
my dick at her opening.
I’d had a physical and Meadow couldn’t have children,
and it had been a long time since she’d had a partner.
When I’d received a clean bill of health, we agreed there
was no need to use condoms.
“Yes,” she said, and lifted her hips, the tip of my dick
sliding in a fraction of an inch.
I had to close my eyes at the contact and count
backward from ten. When I opened my eyes, Meadow was
smiling at me, face still flushed from her orgasm. I settled
in deeper and gave her my weight; resting my elbows by
her head, I kissed her soft and slow as I gently gave her
more of me.
“Relax,” I whispered against her lips when she tightened
around my dick.
“Is that it?” she grimaced.
“No, baby. We’ll go nice and slow until you get used to
me.”
I pulled back and pushed forward only giving her the
first few inches, slowly working her back up. When her
body relaxed, and her hips started to move, I gave her
more.
“Now?” she panted.
“No, Red. You’ll know. Trust me.”
“Just do it.”
I continued my careful thrusts, not giving her more than
she was ready for.
“We have all night.” Well, we didn’t have that long. She
felt so fucking good my balls were tightening and I wasn’t
even fully inside of her. She was hot and slick, and without
the latex barrier, I could feel every rib and groove of her
pussy. I’d never experienced sex without a condom; I was
thankful Meadow was my first. “You feel so damn good,
baby. Fuck you’re beautiful.”
I lowered my face, unable to stop from kissing her. She
allowed me to control the pace of both the kiss and our love
making, letting me take the lead. Damn, but I liked that
too. Her hands roamed my back pulling me closer to her,
holding on to me like a lifeline. Once again, the swelling in
my chest grew, only this time it wasn’t from pride, it felt a
lot like love. My heart thundered in my chest as the
realization dawned; I was crazy in love with Meadow
Holiday. There was no more falling, the edge came and
went, and I’d toppled over. The words were on my lips, but
I held them back. The first time I told her, I wanted her to
know I meant them, and they weren’t said in some
hormonal frenzy.
 “I need more,” she begged.
Thank God! She said the words I needed to hear, and on
the next downward thrust, I pushed deep and fully seated
myself.
“Holy shit, Meadow.” It was my turn to pant when her
pussy throbbed and pulsated around my dick, and I swore
again.
“Please.” She tilted her hips and wiggled.
“Shhh.” I hitched her leg further up my hip and buried
my face in her neck.
Flesh on flesh, her arms squeezing me, groans mingling
together, surrounded by her smell, I let myself go and loved
her as hard as I’d promised her I would. When we came
together, I held myself deep inside and reveled in the fact
Meadow was mine.
Later that night when she was cuddled into my side, I
waited for her to drift asleep before I whispered into the
dark.
“I love you, Meadow.”

T HE CALL CAME a little after 3 a.m.

Another girl was found dead in an alley.
Rebecca Krouse.
I reluctantly rolled out of bed. I kissed Meadow goodbye
and told her I was called out.
The short drive from my house to the bar was spent
going over everything we knew, and more importantly what
we didn’t know. The beautiful night I’d spent with Meadow
was washed away by one phone call. By the time I pulled
up, there were a dozen or more squad cars. I took a
moment before I got out of the car to flip my emotions off
and turn on the autopilot. I was wondering if Mike was
right, was I too close to the case now that Meadow and I
were together? I would be a hindrance to the investigation
and ineffective if I couldn’t separate Meadow from the
offender.
With a flash of my shield, I ducked under the crime
scene tape and moved to the alley. Mike and Ben were
already there, examining what was left of the poor woman.
“Sorry to wake you, man. This one is bad. She’s
escalating,” Mike greeted.
“Escalating? How the fuck is that possible? She
obliterates their faces.”
“The overkill on this one is extreme. She’s… man, I’m
warning you it’s bad.” Mike stepped aside, giving me a
clear view of the victim.
Holy mother fuck!
She had no face, whatever the unsub had hit her with
turned it to mush. There was blood everywhere. I could
barely make out the…
“Flash your light on her head,” I asked Ben. He moved
his flashlight shining it back to the dead girl’s head. Fuck.
“What did you say her name was?”
“Rebecca Krouse,” Ben answered.
Becky.
The blueish hair was stained with blood and brain
matter, but it was definitely dyed an unnatural hair color.
“Anyone have her ID?” I asked, looking around for a
purse.
“Yeah. Lance has it.” Ben motioned to the side where
Detective Lance was standing, speaking with a group of
uniformed officers.
“Sorry to interrupt. Can I see her ID please?”
Without breaking his conversation with the other
officers, Lance passed me Rebecca’s driver’s license.
It was her.
Sweet Becky from the coffee shop was victim number
fifteen.
Damn! Meadow was going to freak.
20
 FOR HIM… I’D DO ANYTHING

I tried to go back to sleep after Nick rolled out of bed,

but I couldn’t. I knew what today was. I’d thought
about it all day yesterday. Nick hadn’t said anything
about the day, so neither had I. It was like neither of us
wanted to acknowledge the date. When the middle of the
night call came, I didn’t need him to tell me another person
had been killed.
I’d heard him come in a little while ago and he went
straight to the shower. I decided to give him time alone and
got up to start a pot of coffee. I had to go to work, but I still
had a few hours. I didn’t know what the protocol for the
FBI was. If he got called out in the middle of the night, was
he still expected in the office at 8 a.m. or did they get to
catch some sleep first? I also figured with his job and the
things he saw, he probably needed a few minutes alone to
scrub the images out of his mind, if that was possible.
I was in the kitchen trying to give myself a mental pep
talk when I heard him come in. He needed me to be strong;
he’d had a shit night, and if he needed to talk about it, I
had to pull my big girl panties on and be tough. For him, for
us, I could do anything.
He didn’t say anything when he walked up behind and
pulled my back to his front and held me. Damn, I was
happy he was home. He stood there for a long time, not
saying anything. When he released me, I turned in his arms
and threaded my fingers behind his neck, not wanting to
lose the contact.
“You okay?” I asked.
“No. Come sit with me on the couch.”
“You’re scaring me. Did I…”
“No, baby. Please. Let’s go sit on the couch.”
I let go of his neck and let him move us to the couch.
Instead of sitting next to him, he pulled me down into his
lap.
“Shit, I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“What’s wrong?”
My mind was racing a mile a minute. What could he
have to tell me that was upsetting him this much.
“This morning. We found another victim,” he started.
“I’m sorry, Nick. That’s terrible. The same as before? It’s
the twentieth, so it’s her again?”
“We’re waiting on a few tests to come back to verify, but
it looks that way. That’s not all. The victim, shit, the
woman, it was Becky,” he told me.
“Becky?” I only knew one Becky. “No! It can’t be her.
Becky, from Sam’s? She was leaving to be a school teacher.
There’s no way it’s that Becky. Right?”
“I’m sorry, baby. It’s her.”
“No,” I denied again. “We just saw her at Sam’s. She
was training the new girl. She was leaving. To be a teacher.
Why? Why would anyone want to hurt her?”
Nick remained silent and let me cry on his chest,
holding me tighter and tighter as the tears got worse. Why
Becky? Why did she have to die, yet I lived? She was going
to help kids; she was so excited to start her new job. Why
was I saved? I was a nobody. I would never change
someone’s life the way Becky would’ve. When I thought I’d
cried all I could, I lifted off his chest, and his hand came to
my scarred cheek, wiping away the last of my tears.
Sometimes when I was with Nick, I forgot my face was
blemished with the ugly mark. But not today. Today it was
burning with the reminder of my connection to the killer, a
stark memento that had someone not stopped her, she
would’ve killed me.
“I’m sorry this happened to her,” I whispered. “I liked
her.”
“I did too. Come on, let’s get you some coffee.” He stood
and set me on my feet, before taking my hand and guiding
us back to the kitchen. “Can you go in late today?” Nick
asked.
“No. The big boss is coming down. There’s a meeting at
nine with all the account managers,” I told him. “I was
planning on being in a little early to make sure I had
everything ready.”
“You sure you’ll be alright?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks for letting me use you like a
Kleenex.”
“Anytime.” Nick moved an open notebook aside and set a
cup of coffee in front of me.
“What’s this?” I asked, pointing to the paper and taking
a sip of java goodness.
“Something for work. I thought I was on to something,
but it ended up being a bust.”
“On to what?” I asked, reading over the familiar names.
“Sorry. You probably can’t tell me.”
“It’s fine. I trust you. You told me if a client erased
something from their cloud it would still be on the company
server. I was trying to see what companies the bars were
buying the cloud storage from to see if I could find a
connection. But, as you can see, none of the names are the
same.”
“Six of those companies buy space on our servers at
Fusion,” I told him.
“What? What do you mean?”
 “These.” I picked up a pen. “May I?” He nodded, and I
checked off the names. “They all rent space from us.
“Explain how that works?” he asked.
“Okay, well, let’s take Chesapeake Lock as an example.
They have clients that purchase space for storage.
Chesapeake grew quickly and didn’t have the
infrastructure in place to service all their clients, so they
purchase space from a larger company like Fusion. I’m
making up a number, but Chesapeake buys one terabyte of
space for ten dollars and sells it for twenty. The smaller
company still turns a profit even when they must
outsource. Now, most smaller companies use the profit to
reinvest purchasing larger servers themselves, so they
don’t have to continue to rent space. Some don’t.
Chesapeake didn’t, neither did Bay Broadband. Both are on
your list, and both are being bought out by Fusion.”
“Fuck, that’s what we missed.”
Nick picked up the list and contemplated the names.
“Would Fusion have access to the files?”
“What do you mean?”
Nick’s frown deepened as he placed the list back on the
counter and studied me.
“It kills me to ask you this. My gut is telling me to keep
the woman I love far away from this investigation, but the
agent in me knows better. You’re already involved and it
kills me.” I’d lost track of everything he’d said after woman
I love. Did Nick love me? Was that what he was saying?
“Meadow?” he called.
“Sorry. What?”
“If this is too much for you, I’ll dig in when I get to work.
I should do that anyway. Never mind.”
“No. I’m fine. Explain what you need again,” I told him.
“Where’d you go?” I bit my lip trying to play it cool like
he hadn’t just rocked my world. I was afraid I’d
misunderstood what he had said and didn’t want to make a
fool of myself if I had. “Red?”
 “It’s just you said the woman I love,” I blurted out.
“And that bothers you because?”
Bothers me? Shit, I wasn’t making any sense. I knew I
should’ve kept my mouth shut.
“You love me?” There, I’d said it. My lungs started to
burn the longer Nick stared at me in silence. I couldn’t find
my breath as I waited for him to answer.
“Yes, Red. I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before
now. I wanted to, but last night after we made love didn’t
seem like the right time. I didn’t want you to think I was
only saying it because you were in my bed. I love you so
damn much, I can’t tell you when or how it happened so
fast, but I can tell you I never want to picture a future
where you’re not standing beside me.”
I finally exhaled.
Oh. My. God.
“Are you going to say something?” He smiled.
“I love you, too. I didn’t want to tell you and scare you
away. I knew when you kissed me in the elevator. I told my
friend Veronica Venus I thought I was in love with you. But
I lied, I didn’t think I was, I knew I was.”
“Come here.” He didn’t wait for me to come to him, he
rounded the counter and came to my side, pulling me in for
a tight hug. “I love you Meadow Holiday.”
I didn’t get a chance to tell him back because his mouth
was on mine and I’d lost my breath again. By the time he
pulled away and kissed my forehead, my legs were jello.
“I love you, too.”
“Who’s your friend, Veronica Venus?” he asked.
Over coffee, I explained how I’d met Veronica Venus on a
message board for survivors of violent crimes and how over
the last five years she’d been my only real friend. My safe
place. As I lost my in real life friends, she’d stood by me,
cheering me on. I left out the part where she’d told me she
thought Nick was using me, and basically warned me off
him. I didn’t think he’d appreciate that part any more than
I did.
After that, we’d both gone back to his room and gotten
dressed for the day together. Unfortunately, there wasn’t
any sexy time, but we both had to get to work. When he
pulled off his sweats and t-shirt and walked into his closet
to pick out a suit to wear I did sneak a peek at his firm ass
and muscular back. Damn, he was sexy! I didn’t know how
I’d gotten so lucky, but for once I wasn’t going to look a gift
horse in the mouth. I was going to grab on with both hands
and say fuck the world.
At the door, Nick handed me a to-go cup full of steaming
hot vanilla flavored coffee. I loved that he had my brand of
coffee in his cabinet and my flavored creamer in his fridge.
It was funny how something so small made my belly flutter.
It’d been doing that a lot lately, and for the first time in
years, the butterflies were from anticipation of the future
and not dread of the past.
“Why was Sally pacing around whining?” I asked when
we got outside.
“I don’t know, antsy I guess. Sally, come.”
Sally finished her business on the grass and bounced
over to us and sat at my feet.
“Be a good girl today.” I rubbed the soft fur behind her
ears. “I’ll see you tonight.” Crap. That was rather
presumptuous of me. We didn’t have any plans. “Or…
umm… later… tomorrow.”
Nick didn’t skip a beat and tugged my hand for me to
follow him to my car. He took my keys, beeped the lock,
and opened the door. “You’ll be seeing both of us tonight.
Your place or mine?” he asked.
“Yours. I like your kitchen better, and Sally has a
backyard when she needs to go out,” I told him.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, offering
it to me. “I was hoping you’d say that. I may have to work a
little late tonight. I’ll let you know as the day goes on. But if
I do, you’ll need this.”
“A key?”
I was so stupid stating the obvious. I was expecting him
to reply with no shit Sherlock, or maybe a good catch
Captain Obvious.
“Are you okay with that? Having a key to my house?”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll make sure I give it back when you
get home.”
“No, Red. It’s yours. I want you to keep it,” he told me.
“Holy shit!”
“Too soon?” he chuckled.
“No. I may need to pinch myself again. I’m afraid this
last month has been a great freaking dream. No. Wait.
Don’t pinch me. I don’t want to wake up if it is. I want to
stay asleep forever in a place where a beautiful, strong,
sweet, and sexy man picked me. If this is a dream and I
wake up alone in my bed, scared and broken with no hope
of a future, I’d never survive. Not knowing what I know
now. You better be real, Special Agent Nick Clark, because
if you’re not, my life is one big nightmare.”
Nick moved, and Sally jumped out of the way when he
pulled me into his arms and whispered, “You will never
wake up alone again. Whether I’m lying there next to you
or not, you are never alone. We are real, Red, and the
future is in front of us to make of it what we want. What
exactly that looks like I don’t know, but what I do know as
fact is - you are mine.” His voice was low and husky
reminding me of what he sounded like when he was moving
inside of me.
“I wish we could go back in the house and spend the day
in bed,” I told him.
“Trust me, I do too.” He pushed his erection into my
belly, and I contemplated quitting my job. A day rolling
around in bed with him would be worth it. “But you have a
meeting, and I have a deranged psychopath to catch.”
 “Damn,” I whispered.
“See you tonight, Red. Have a good day at work.”
He gave me a brief kiss, put me in my car, and waited
for me to drive away before he got in his. I loved that too,
Nick taking care of me, even if it was to watch me safely
drive away.
When I pulled into the parking lot at work, I was ready
to turn around and crawl back into bed. Beth was getting
out of her car, and the way she slammed her door told me
she was going to be on the warpath today. Geez, I hated
that woman.
My phone beeped in my purse, a brand-new Michael
Kors number I’d splurged on; it might not have been a
Coach, but it was a step up from the cheap off brands I
normally bought. I pulled my phone out and saw I had two
missed texts from Veronica Venus and one from Nick.
Nick: I love you, Red. Have a good day and remember do
not take shit from Beth. Tell her to shove it where the sun
don’t shine.
I snorted a laugh as if I’d actually tell her that. She’d
probably tattle, and I’d get fired. It was amazing how my
boss couldn’t see through her shit. If she kissed his ass any
more, she’d be milking his prostate. Hell, maybe that’s
what she was doing.
Me: I love you. Thanks for last night. xoxoxo
I held my breath when I scrolled to VV21. I used to look
forward to Veronica Venus’ messages, but these days I
never knew what I would find.
VV21: I hope your sleep over went well. 😊
VV21: Please let me know you’re safe. Haven’t heard
from you. Hope Mr. FBI man doesn’t have you tied up in his
basement. By the way, how is the search going? Any new
leads on who attacked you? You’re not going to let them try
and hypnotize you again, right? I mean, it’s been so long,
no use in trying to remember now.
 I read and reread the message a few times trying to
figure out if she was trying to be protective or backhanded
by bringing up my attacker. Did she not want me to
remember? I decided I didn’t have time to decipher what
she meant, besides I had to deal with a bitchy Beth this
morning.
Me: All is well. The sleepover was AMAZING. I’ll fill you
in later - meeting in ten minutes. Thanks for checking in.
21
 I LOVE YOU, MEADOW

“N ow that’s a look of a satisfied man,” Mike

laughed, coming to sit next to my desk,
petting Sally when he did.
“Really?” I looked up from the list of storage providers
that Meadow had checked off.
“You’re too easy. What’s wrong with Sally?” he asked.
“Man, she’s been on edge since I left the house last
night. When I got home, she was sleeping in front of the
bedroom door. After Meadow got up, Sally was pacing the
kitchen, following everywhere she went. Meadow didn’t
notice until we got outside, and Sally was still sticking
close. I think she’s bonded with Meadow which is going to
make the exchange with Gabe difficult.”
“Let me understand. You got a call out at 3 a.m. and left
Meadow in your bed.” Nosy bastard. I’d played right into
his hand. “When Meadow climbed out of your bed this
morning Sally was acting weird.”
“Yep.”
“How many women have you had spend the night since
you got Sally?” Mike’s smile couldn’t be any more smug.
“None.”
I hadn’t had a woman in my bed ever. Not that I was a
monk, but I was careful who I allowed to know where I
lived. Occupational hazard.
“You think Sally’s jealous?” he asked.
“I’d say yes, but she wasn’t sticking to me, she was on
Meadow. Hell, she whined when Meadow drove away.”
“Well, you’re fucked. Your dog likes your woman more
than you.” He laughed.
“That’s a problem. Sally’s not mine. She goes to Gabe
next week.”
“Maybe she has to take a shit,” Ben added, stopping at
my desk to give Sally a rub down. “I had a Golden Retriever
that would circle and act weird when he was constipated.”
“Really? We’re talking about the bowel movements of
canines?” Mike laughed. “I’m so happy I’ve never had a
dog. That’s worse than new parents talking about the color
of their baby’s shit.”
“Since you’re all here and I would like to stop talking
about dog shit and my sex life, I think I found something.” I
pointed to the list in front of me.
“Hold up. We were talking about your sex life? What’d I
miss?” Ben asked.
“Meadow spent the night last night. Though Nick’s
grumpy today, so either he was denied, or it was so good
he’s pissed he had to get out of bed,” Mike helpfully told
Ben.
“Shit. I’m pissed I gotta roll outta bed every morning
and leave my hot wife to come in here and see you
assholes. So, I can’t say I blame him for being less than
pleased. By my calculations, it’s been at least a year since
he’s been laid.”
I would’ve been pissed that Ben and Mike were
discussing my sexual activity or lack thereof if I didn’t find
it so interesting that Ben was mostly right about the last
time I’d been with a woman.
“It is a tad disturbing that you’ve paid that much
attention to my personal life and when I’m having sex,” I
told him.
 “The neuroscience behind human sexuality is
fascinating. You can learn a lot about a person by their sex
drive, lack of, or when they’re unable to find a sex partner.”
“Sometimes your brain scares me,” Mike laughed. “Your
poor wife. Do you study her as closely as all of us?”
“Lucky for her I study her more. Trust me; she loves that
I know how to crawl into her mind and pull out what I need.
Besides, Nick’s easy, he can’t hide the symptoms of sex
deprivation.”
Christ.
“We’re moving along,” I told them. “The case.” I pointed
to the list again.
“The case is interesting and all. But I have to know, what
are the symptoms?” Mike asked.
“My dry spell is none of your fucking business,” I
snapped.
Mike and Ben threw their heads back and laughed.
Assholes. When Ben recovered, he said, “First symptom,
extreme hostility, and bitchiness. Friend, a year is not a
spell, it’s a drought.”
“Fuck you.”
“Wow. Nice greeting.” Kristy smiled and held out a
folder. “I cross-referenced those names. You were right. All
the bars that used cloud-based storage - while the
companies were all different, when cross checked, all of the
smaller companies did indeed purchase space from Fusion
Telecom.”
“Fuck!”
“There’s your connection.” Kristy smiled, and I took the
folder from her.
“Conference room?” Mike asked.
I grabbed the papers off my desk and followed Mike and
Ben into the other room. Sally padded along behind me,
hackles still up. If I’d had time, I would’ve taken her home.
I didn’t like the way her ears were at attention and she was
on alert.
 “What’s the connection?” Ben asked, breaking my
concern of Sally.
I looked at the whiteboard. Becky’s picture had already
been added to the other fourteen women we couldn’t save.
“Fifteen dead women. All found after a night out at a
bar. Eleven on the seventh. Four on the twentieth. All
security footage erased. Fourteen, if you count Meadow’s
attack, were stored on a cloud server; two stored on an
onsite computer. Each bar used a different small company
to buy their space. All fourteen of those companies bought
space of Fusion Telecom servers to resell to their clients.
How much you want to bet that Fusion had access to the
two onsite computers as well.”
I spread out the papers that Kristy had given me, Ben
and Mike scrutinizing the data.
I grabbed the landline on the table and dialed Kristy’s
office extension, hoping she was back in her office while
ignoring the knot that was growing in my gut. All the
murders tied back to Fusion Telecom, the very place
Meadow was at right now.
“Keep a lid on it, Clark,” Mike said as if he’d read my
mind.
“Hello?” Kristy answered.
“How many women does Fusion Telecom employ?” I
asked, placing the call on speaker.
“Hold on.” There was the sound of the tapping of her
keyboard before she said, “Damn. More than I thought.
Fusion has 482 employees including executives and 290 are
women.”
“Narrow that to single women, between thirty and
forty,” Ben told her.
“Okay. Two hundred and eleven.”
“Still too many,” Mike said. “Narrow that to women with
no children.”
“That will take me a few minutes,” she said.
 “Hit us back when you have a list,” Ben said and
disconnected the call. “Let me grab Joel and Mandy.”
Sally roamed around the room, and the knot grew. Fuck.
I couldn’t stand it any longer. I pulled my cell out of my
pocket and sent a text to Meadow.
Me: Good day?
A normal everyday text. Nothing that would alert her to
the fact I was ninety percent sure she worked with the
woman that had attacked her and killed fifteen women.
Meadow: Better now that I’ve heard from you. Killer
meeting. Boss is pissed. I’m going down to the sub shop to
grab lunch before I’m stuck printing more reports and
don’t get to eat. Seems I worked up an appetite. 😉 How’s
your day? Catch any crazy bad guys? xoxo
Me: Glad you’re hungry. Plan on packing snacks
tomorrow. My day is fine. See you tonight.
Then I couldn’t stop myself.
Me: I love you, Meadow. Please be careful. Watch where
you’re going and who’s around you.
Meadow: Everything okay?
Me: Everything is fine. I just need to know you’re safe.
Meadow: I’m safe. xoxo
I hoped to God that was the truth. I don’t know what I’d
do if something happened to her.
22
 PEACE OFFERING

“I s it true?”
Shit! Rory. She scared the hell out of me again,
and we almost had a repeat performance of the
great mustard molestation. I had been enjoying my lunch,
sitting on the bench outside of the sub shop, happy to be
out of the office when Rory plopped down next to me.
After Nick had texted me, Beth stormed out of her office
red-hot mad. No, she was more than that, whatever is more
than red-hot mad is what she had been. The stack of files
she had in her arms were tossed on my desk, and some had
scattered to the floor. I was about to finally tell her where
she could stick her bitch ass attitude when Mr. Klein
stepped out of her office in time to witness her temper
tantrum.
He pulled her back into her office, and the entire floor
heard Beth screeching through the closed door. When she
reemerged, she had her black designer bag hitched over
her shoulder and a tight pinch on her face. She’d stormed
out of the office, and Mr. Klein informed us that Beth was
no longer employed by Fusion Telecom. I guess I’d been
wrong; upper management had seen what a bitch she really
was. It probably didn’t help she’d lost several clients over
the last few months.
 “Yeah. Mr. Klein fired her. He said she’d be in later to
get her personal items, but he’d sent her away to cool off.”
“It’s about time. That woman is terrible. So, tell me
about Mr. Hunk that picked you up for lunch. That’s still
going on, right?” Rory giggled.
Yes, she giggled like a high schooler.
“Yeah, it’s still going. Nothing much to tell,” I lied.
“There has to be something. Your cheeks are red. What
does he do?” she asked.
“He works for the FBI,” I told her, ignoring her comment
about me blushing. God, I hoped I wasn’t, and she was only
kidding.
“FBI? Is he working on the serial killer case? Do they
have any leads?” she asked.
“I don’t know. He doesn’t talk about work, and I don’t
watch the news,” I told her. I would never break Nick’s
confidence, nor would I tell anyone that I’d met Nick
because the FBI thought I was the killer’s first victim. The
thought made me shudder. She was still out there, killing
people. She’d killed poor Becky last night.
It felt wrong having Rory ask about the case like she
was. She had a look of amazement rather than outrage.
“You don’t watch the news? Shit girl. There is a crazy
person stalking bars. I heard that he rips off the victim’s
faces, can you imagine?” My hand instinctively moved to
my scar before I could pull it back; Rory noticed and
flinched. Damn. Not her too. “Sorry. That didn’t come out
the way I meant it to.”
“It’s alright.”
The funny thing was, it was alright. A month ago, if
someone had said something like that to me, it would’ve
thrown me. I would’ve had to text Veronica Venus, and
she’d talk me off the ledge as I cried my eyes out. Now, I
found myself forgetting I had a mark on my face. I still
hadn’t gone an entire day without remembering, but it was
kind of hard to when there were mirrors around. But I
wasn’t obsessing and worrying about what people thought
or how disgusted they’d be at my appearance. Nick thought
I was beautiful and because he did, he’d reminded me that
my beauty doesn’t come from the way I look. I was
beautiful because I was a good person, and that was what
mattered.
“So anyway. He like stabs them and leaves them for the
police to find. I also heard…” She stopped and looked
around before lowering her voice. “He drugs the women
before he takes them. Makes it easier. No one notices
because the women don’t struggle. They just walk out the
door with him.”
How did she know that? Mandy told me that detail had
been withheld.
“Are you okay?” Rory asked.
Shit. No. I wasn’t okay. It was hard to breathe, and I felt
weird like someone was watching me. Which I guess was
stupid because there was someone watching me, Rory. She
was staring at me as if I’d grown a second head.
Breathe Meadow.
Breathe.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just feel so bad for all those girls. It
gives me the creeps,” I told her.
My phone beeped in my pocket, and I prayed it was
Nick. I didn’t want to be one of those needy girlfriends, but
damn I really needed him right now.
VV21: How’s lunch?
How’d she know I was at lunch? Did I tell her? I scrolled
up to the last message exchange, nothing. I hadn’t talked to
her since this morning in the parking lot.
Me: How’d you know I was at lunch? 😊
I hoped the smiley face took some of the paranoia out of
my message. I knew I was being rude to Rory, and normally
I wouldn’t answer a message while I was otherwise
engaged, but I was feeling freaked out and completely out
of sorts.
 VV21: Ummm. It’s lunchtime, weirdo. Besides you’re a
creature of habit. I could set my time by you. Desk or sub
shop?
Jesus. I was losing my mind. I smiled and tapped out a
reply.
Me: Damn, you’re good. Sub today. I have juicy gossip!!!
Have to wait until after work to spill, but Queen
Bitchypants will be a non-issue from here on out. Work just
became bearable. I’m done at four today; text you then.
That reminded me, I should text Nick and tell him Mr.
Klein had announced he was letting us all leave early today,
probably because Beth was supposed to come back after
her time out to pick up the personal items from her office.
“Boyfriend?” Rory asked.
“No. Sorry that was rude.” I dropped my phone in my
bag. I’d text Nick later; it wasn’t like it was important what
time I got done, he would be stuck at work anyway.
“It’s cool. So, Beth? Did she really have a freak-out?”
Geez, this girl liked to gossip. I spent the last ten
minutes of my lunch telling Rory all about Beth’s break
down. It was petty, childish, and impolite of me to talk
about Beth behind her back, but she’d been mean to me the
last five years. She deserved it.
By the time I made it back into the office, everyone was
talking about Beth’s welcomed departure. I was so busy
trying to reorganize the files that Beth had thrown on my
desk I didn’t get to leave at four when everyone else did. I
was almost done when Beth walked in. For the first time
since I’d met her, she had a look of regret on her face. The
pinchy sour-puss look had been wiped clean off and was
replaced with something that looked like remorse. I stood
frozen, afraid if I moved the bitch would be back.
“Meadow,” she started. “I owe you an apology.”
“Umm.” I didn’t know what to say.
“I know I can be intense and a bitch. I blurt out things I
shouldn’t say, and I’ve been told more than once I don’t
have good social skills. Before I leave, I just wanted you to
know I’m sorry for being so mean to you. You’re a nice
person and didn’t deserve it.” She stopped and placed a
cup on my desk. “Here. A peace offering. A vanilla flavored
coffee, extra cream, and two sugars.”
Say what? Since when did Queen Bitch know what kind
of coffee I liked? I eyed the cup and looked back at her.
“Thanks.”
“It’s the least I can do.”
She smiled and walked into her office, or her old office,
and started to clear off her desk. I looked at the coffee
again and considered tossing it in the trash, but hello, it
was a large vanilla, with extra cream and two sugars. I took
a tentative sip making sure it was coffee and not something
gross. As apologetic as she was, she was still Beth. I
wouldn’t put it past her to put vinegar in my drink to get a
good laugh at me. However, it was delicious and exactly
what I needed to finish putting these files back together so
I could leave. If I left within the next five minutes, I’d have
time to stop at the store and still be home before Nick.
I grabbed my phone off my desk and sent a quick text to
Veronica Venus.
Me: You’ll never guess what just happened?
I tossed my phone on my desk and by the time I finished
arranging the last file my head was throbbing. Thank God, I
was done. The excitement of the day had worn off, and
fatigue had set in. I wasn’t surprised, I had been up since
about 3 a.m., and was nonstop busy all day. I grabbed my
purse out of my bottom drawer and flung it over my
shoulder. Forget the grocery store; I was too tired to cook;
I’d call in a pizza when I got to Nick’s.
I grabbed my phone off my desk and noticed I had a text
notification from Veronica Venus.
VV21: What?
I was so exhausted the words swam on my screen as I
tapped out my message.
 Me: Funny story. I’m leaving work now.
I glanced at my now empty cup and was reminded I had
to say something to Beth before I left. But what? See ya
around? Apology accepted? Thanks for the coffee? I knew
what I wanted to say; good riddance, but that was too
mean. Even after all the years of torture.
Why couldn’t I just be a bitch and leave without saying
something?
I peeked into Beth’s office, and she was on her phone,
thumbs flying across her screen. She looked busy; maybe I
could slip out without saying goodbye, I wouldn’t want to
disturb her. The moment I’d talked myself into leaving Beth
looked up. Damn, eye contact, now I had to say something.
My phone vibrated in my hand, and I was given a
reprieve.
VV21: Tell me, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Give me five minutes. Text you from the car.
I hit send and chanced looking back up. Beth’s phone
beeped, and she smirked before she looked back down. I
knew that smile; it normally came right before she spewed
out a nasty comment. I watched as she fiddled with her
phone, my headache getting worse by the second.
I was leaving. She was busy, and I had the shakes so bad
I didn’t know if it was my phone vibrating or if all the
caffeine I’d had was taking its toll. I needed to get home
and take a nap and get rid of this headache.
VV21: Okay.
I blinked, trying to focus on the message. The small
letters on the screen danced, and I couldn’t focus on them.
Damn my head hurt. The more I blinked to clear my
vision, the longer it took for me to pull my lids open again. I
pitched forward and stumbled trying to find purchase
before I hit the floor.
“Humph.” I knocked into something.
“Careful, you clumsy idiot.”
No.
No.
No.
I knew that voice.
23
 TOO WRAPPED UP

“T here’s nothing wrong with her. She’s attuned to

your emotions. You’re wound tighter than a
banjo,” Joel said.
“He’s right you know,” Mandy added. “Ninety percent of
human communication is nonverbal. Sally is astute; she
senses a change in your body language. Research shows
that canines can detect cardiac episodes and are able to
alert their owners before it happens. It was originally
thought it was because they could detect a change in
electromagnetic waves; however, that’s not the case. It
boils down to smell. Humans give off an odor as a result of
chemicals being released into our bloodstream before an
episode or when we’re anxious. You need to dial it back.
She can smell you.”
“How the hell can I dial it back when the unsub more
than likely works with Meadow. She is in a building with a
woman that not only tried to kill her but has successfully
butchered fifteen other women.”
“You will because that’s what Meadow needs,” Mike told
me.
Fuck, he was right. Meadow needed me to be clear
minded. I had to focus, but I couldn’t. All I could think
about was Meadow on the ground in a filthy alley, bleeding.
 “Here are the names.” Kristy trotted into the room
holding up a stack of papers. She’d been working double
time over the last few hours trying to narrow down names.
Once the list was manageable, we’d hand it over to Lance
and let his department take the lead. However, with our
resources and Kristy, we’d be faster at tightening a suspect
pool. “Also, I was thinking. You had me searching for
newsworthy events on the seventh and twentieth. If the
bodies are found in the early morning hours on those days
wouldn’t she be hunting the day before? The trauma
would’ve been on the sixth and the nineteenth, right? I’m
cross-referencing these names with police reports and
hospital visits. I’ll have the results in about a half hour.”
“Fucking hell. Kristy’s right.” Joel slammed his palms
flat on the table. “We missed it.”
Kristy handed me the list; there was still at least fifty
names of single women with no children between the ages
of thirty and forty. I quickly scanned the list, and my eyes
landed on a name.
Clumsy idiot.
Shit! I fumbled my cell out of my pocket trying to hurry
and connect a call to Meadow. I had to warn her. She had to
leave her office, now. The call connected and went to
voicemail on the first ring - her phone was off. My stomach
churned, and fear threatened to choke me. Mother fucker!
How’d I miss it?
“I know who it is. Sally come!”
I didn’t wait to see if anyone was following me. I had to
get to Meadow. It was almost five; she’d be leaving the
office any minute.
By the time I’d opened the back door of the government-
issued Suburban and allowed Sally to jump in, Mike had
rounded the hood and was getting into the driver’s seat,
and Joel slid in next to Sally, both men ready to have my
back without explanation.
 “Talk to us,” Joel demanded as Mike pulled out of the
parking lot.
“Beth Stevens, thirty-five, she is a systems manager.
Remember Meadow’s session with Mandy? Meadow said
she’d felt uncomfortable when the woman she was talking
to called the bartender a clumsy idiot when he’d spilled a
drink? My first date with Meadow, Beth showed up at
Meadow’s. She said she was there to apologize, that’s not
important, but when she turned to leave the pizza guy was
behind her. She bumped him and called him a clumsy
idiot.”
“That’s a stretch. A lot of people say that,” Joel noted.
“Right. Then I was thinking about the next day; I went to
pick Meadow up for lunch. She snagged her purse on her
desk and the strap broke. Beth chastised her about buying
cheap purses. Suggested she get a high-quality Coach bag,
like she had,” I added.
“I’m tracking, I remember the women talking about
purses, but I have to say, you’re still reaching a little. The
two of those put together make her a strong suspect, but…”
Mike trailed off.
“Beth is also a systems manager at Fusion; she’d have
access to the company’s cloud database. Meadow told me
she was a computer genius. She’d have the access and the
knowledge to erase the security footage. I know it’s her.”
Sally barked, reminding me of one more thing. “How many
times have you heard Sally growl?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Mike asked.
“Just answer.”
“I guess once. When you first brought her into the office,
and we were interviewing the father of a missing boy,” he
answered.
“We thought it was because Sally was a puppy and not
used to strangers,” I reminded them.
“But the father ended up being the offender and buried
his son in the family’s backyard,” Joel finished. “Strong
investigative work, Nick. I’m supposed to call Lance and
have his swat team surround Fusion based on your gut and
a dog.”
“Fuck, no. We’ll go in soft. Get Meadow out and ask Beth
if she wouldn’t mind answering some questions. Mike, you
take the lead, she’s a superficial bitch. You smile at her and
give her attention; she’ll eat that shit up. Trust me.”
I dialed Meadow’s work number and still no answer. Not
her cell, landline, or text messages. What the fuck.
We pulled into the parking lot, and every instinct I had
was screaming something wasn’t right. After telling Sally to
stay, Joel, Mike, and I exited the SUV and took off toward
the building in a fast clip. I needed to see Meadow.
“Hey. Nick, right?” Meadow’s friend stopped us. “Rory. I
met you a few weeks ago.”
“Yes. Hi Rory. Sorry to be rude but I’m in a hurry,” I told
her.
“Well if you’re looking for Meadow her department left
early today. She didn’t tell you?”
“No.” I looked around and spotted her car still parked in
the front row. “Why would they get off early.”
“Funny story, Beth was fired today. She had such a
meltdown; management asked her to leave and told her to
come back after four to get her things. The entire
department was allowed to leave early. I guess Mr. Klein
didn’t want anyone around to witness another tantrum.”
“I gotta go. Joel, will you stay with Rory and get the
details?”
I opened the double doors to the building and opted for
the stairs, taking two at a time until we reached Meadow’s
floor. I felt marginally better knowing that Beth had been
asked to leave the building. However, that still didn’t
explain where Meadow was. When Mike and I entered the
reception area, it was empty. I headed to Meadow’s desk;
her phone and purse were both on her desk.
Where the fuck was Meadow?
 Without remorse, I picked up Meadow’s phone and
started scrolling through her phone log. Missed calls from
me, a call labeled mom, and more from me. Christ. Now
was not the time for me to be thinking about Meadow’s
lack of social circle but my heart broke. She’d isolated
herself so deeply the only people she’s spoken to in the last
week were her mother and me.
Her text messages were the same; me and her mother.
No social media apps, but there was a secondary
messaging app. I pulled it up and scrolled through a few
messages from VV21. I assumed that was the Veronica
Venus Meadow had told me about from her survivor’s
group. Their last exchange was at 4:21; Meadow said she
was headed to her car.
I pulled out my phone and called Kristy.
“I need you to work your magic,” I said without
preamble. “I need everything you can find on Beth
Stevens.”
“Anything else?” she asked.
I told her about the message board that Meadow
belonged to and the handle Veronica Venus. The mystery
woman was Meadow’s closest friend; I’d like to speak to
her and see if she had any helpful information. While Kristy
was tracking down the information I needed, I joined Mike
in Beth’s office, picking up a paper coffee cup and tossing it
in the trash on my way.
“Find anything?” I asked.
“No. No personal items, desk drawers are neat and
organized. The computer is password protected so we’ll
need a tech to come in to unlock it,” he answered and
dumped the trash can over, spilling papers on the ground.
He bent down spreading them out with a pencil. “Nothing
here that I can tell, normal office trash, a receipt for a
vanilla latte dated today, 4:03. Nothing that screams out at
me as homicidal maniac.”
“A vanilla latte?” I asked.
 “Yeah.” Mike used the pencil to point at the receipt.
“Cash receipt.”
“Vanilla lattes are Meadow’s favorite. I threw a to-go
cup away on my way in here. It was on the floor next to
Meadow’s desk.”
“Fuck. She drugged her. We need to call Kilby and
Lance.” Mike pulled his phone out to make the call. How
could I have let this happen?
Within the hour Fusion Telecom was swarming with
police. Adam Klein had been more than forthright when
talking about Beth. Her attitude had worsened over the last
four months, leading to her being fired. The time frame
coincided with when the murders had started again. He’d
also confirmed what we’d profiled. While he couldn’t give
the exact dates, the rough estimation matched.
Five years ago, Beth’s husband divorced her. A year
after her divorce she began a serious relationship with a
man, Brian Astro. They’d been engaged until he ended it a
few months ago. Both break-ups fit. While I was pleased
that more pieces of the puzzle were clicking into place, we
still didn’t have any idea of where Beth would take
Meadow. A squad car had been sent to Beth’s to sit on her
house, and one had been sent to Brian’s to pick him up for
questioning.
I checked my watch and the noose around my neck
tightened. Meadow had been with Beth for at least two
hours. Two fucking hours in the hand of a depraved killer,
they could be anywhere. Beth could’ve already butchered
Meadow. I’d been so wrapped up in her I’d dropped the
ball. Meadow’s death was on me.
Technical analysts from both the local PD and the FBI
were combing over Fusion’s servers trying to recover the
security footage that had been deleted. The cup had been
rushed to the lab to be checked for the presence of
ketamine. Unfortunately, there was no field test that would
detect the drug, and we were in a holding pattern. No
leads, no indication where they’d gone, nothing. I was
useless standing in front of Meadow’s desk, completely
impotent.
Mike rushed over and Sally, who’d been brought up from
the car, sat next to me. Much like she’d done to Meadow
when she sensed she needed protecting. Fuck, this was all
my fault. Why hadn’t I seen it? My dog had a better instinct
than me. She knew. Sally had met the woman one time and
growled as she stood between Meadow and the threat.
Which was more than I did. I’d missed every single fucking
sign pointing at Beth.
“Kristy called. Lab tests came back, positive for
ketamine. So far, they recovered security footage from six
bars including Meadow’s attack. I know you don’t need me
to say this, but you were right, it’s Beth. Brian is talking,
and they broke up four months ago on the nineteenth. He
was having an affair, and she found out about it.”
“Let me guess, a pretty young thing?”
“That’s what he said. His secretary, twenty-two. And the
husband? He cheated too. Got his mistress knocked up,
after years trying to have a baby with Beth with no luck. A
police report was filed on the sixth. A domestic
disturbance. She’d come unglued when he was trying to
pack his stuff and leave.”
“Fuck!” I yelled, and Sally barked.
“One more thing. And you’re not gonna like this.”
24
 SALLY

“O h good, you’re finally awake. I thought you

were gonna sleep through the good part.”

The good part?

Awake?

Damn my head hurt. My head was groggy, and it was

hard to focus. I was lying on my side in the back of a car. It
was dark outside, but there was a bright light shining that
had me squinting against the harsh cast. I could vaguely
make out Beth’s silhouette in the front seat. Why was I in a
car with Beth? I struggled to sit up and nearly rolled off the
backseat. Both hands shot out, and I caught myself on the
seat in front of me.
“Beth? What’s going on?” I wriggled again trying to
move my hands. “Why the hell are my hands taped
together?”
I finally got myself upright and realized both my hands
and my feet were duct-taped together. My original panic
multiplied by a hundred.
“So many questions. I think I liked it better when you
were passed out.”
“Why are you doing this? I didn’t have anything to do
with you getting fired. I promise.”
“Fired. I don’t give a fuck about that stupid job.”
 “Why would you do this?” I asked and tried to pry my
hands apart, but the duct tape wouldn’t budge.
Duct tape. I remembered the conversation I had with
Nick about using tape to tie up Beth. The irony wasn’t lost
on me that I was the one taped by Beth. Nick. He’d know I
was missing when he got home, and I wasn’t there. Or
would he? What if he thought I’d changed my mind about
going to his place and went back to mine? Would he look
for me?
“Remember when you woke up in the hospital and I
came to visit you?” she asked.
I’d never forget the visit. I’d only just woken up from the
attack when Beth had appeared at my bedside. At first, she
acted like a concerned friend. Careful and cautious with
me, then out of nowhere she’d turned into a cold-hearted
bitch. That was the first time she’d commented on my face,
and how sad it was that I was now ugly and no man would
ever come near me again. Yeah, damn right I remembered.
“Yes,” I answered.
“You know what’s so funny? You have no idea how close
you came to dying.”
“I think I do.”
“No. Not in the alley. In the hospital. I came in ready to
finish what I’d started. I couldn’t have you running to the
police and blabbing. But when you woke up and cried your
eyes out to me and hugged me, I realized you had no
memory of what had happened, and it wasn’t worth the risk
of killing you with all the nurses in and out. Not to mention,
scrubbing the hospital’s server would be too difficult,
there’d be footage of my visit. I let you live Meadow. And
you know what I got in return?”
What the hell was she talking about? Let me live? No.
No way. Beth was a crazy bitch, but there was no way…
was there?
“I’m confused, Beth.”
 “I’ll tell you what I got. You talking shit about me behind
my back. Every fucking day, you talked shit about Queen
Bitch, douchebaggette, twat-waffle, any of those ring a
bell?” she yelled.
Shit goddammit. She had my phone and was reading my
messages to Veronica Venus. Fuck. She was right; there
was about five years’ worth of messages. Wait. If she had
my phone, Nick would find me.
“Five goddamned years.” She held a phone up shaking
it, the shiny purple case reflecting the dim light in the car.
“That’s not my phone,” I lamely said.
“No shit. Do you think I’m dumb enough to bring your
phone so your FBI boyfriend can track it? How stupid do
you think I am? And the office security feeds have been
erased for the last seven days. No one’s going to find you
Meadow.”
Wait, then how was she reading my messages to
Veronica Venus?
“Did you clone my phone?” I asked.
“Why the hell would I waste my time doing that? The
only two people you talk to are your mother and me. You
really should’ve been more careful about browsing the
internet on company computers. Message boards, online
shopping, plastic surgeons to try and fix your ugly-ass face.
All on company time on the company computer.”
Me?
What the fuck! I’d never spoken to Beth on my cell
phone.
“You? What are you talking about?”
“Do you know how nauseating it is listening to you cry
and whine every day about how bad your life is? How lonely
you are? How your life was stolen from you? You cannot
possibly know how many times I wanted to tell you to shut
the fuck up. Flirty sluts like you who think they can bat
their eyelashes and steal other people’s husbands are the
ones that ruin lives. No one ever thinks about the wife at
home, trying to make her husband happy. Giving everything
of themselves for nothing. Nothing. All it takes is some
skank in a short skirt and you lose everything. Why wasn’t I
good enough?”
Holy shit, she’d lost her mind. The woman was batshit
crazy, obviously, I mean I was duct-taped in the back of her
car, but she was completely off her rocker. I had no idea
what she was talking about, and I was afraid to ask.
“They deserved it. Every one of them. Fucking whores
out trolling for men not caring if they’re taken or not. You
got lucky, I was sloppy the first time and impatient. I took
you out back too soon, and you were still able to talk.
Never made that mistake again.”
The mother of all lightning bolts hit me. Jesus fuck. It
was her!
“Why are you doing this to me?” I had to find a way out
of this - she was going to kill me. I had no doubt I was
about to be dragged out of the car and stabbed in the face
until there was nothing left. I’d read the reports; I knew
what she’d done.
Please, God, Nick! I didn’t want him to see me dead in
the alley with my face like that. He’d blame himself.
“Why not you?”
“You’re right. Why not me? I’m begging you not to leave
me here. Drive to another city and dump my body. Don’t do
it here. I won’t scream this time, I promise. Just please, I’m
begging you not here.”
“You don’t get a say. You’re not in charge, I am. This is
my way.”
“Please Beth,” I tried again.
“Now you want to be nice? Well, fuck you. We’re done
talking - it’s time.”
I tried to struggle and stop her from getting me out of
the car. I screamed and yelled and tried to bite her. Nothing
worked. I was out of the backseat and on the cold, dirty
asphalt of the alley.
 “Stay still,” she told me as I thrashed around as much as
I could with my limbs bound.
“Not here. Please, Beth!”
I kicked and knocked the knife out of her hand, but it
wasn’t hard enough because it was back in her hand and
headed straight for me. I twisted again, and the familiar
burn of her blade sliced my leg.
“God damn, I fucking hate you. Always such a pain in
the ass, stay fucking still.”
Her knife caught me again, and I cried out. I was
exhausted from the exertion. Not here, please God, don’t
let Nick find me. I didn’t think I could keep this up much
longer. Her arm went back, and I strained to move my
head, but there was no way to get out of the way.
I’m so sorry Nick.
The low menacing growl pulled Beth’s attention from
me, and I rolled to my side in time to see Beth stick her
knife in Sally as the dog jumped at Beth knocking her to
the ground.
No! I tried to scream, but no words came out. Please
don’t let that be Sally. There had to be strays running the
streets, right? Not Sally. Please, not her.
“Don’t move,” a man yelled as Beth struggled to her
feet. “Beth Stevens, you’re under arrest.”
There was so much commotion I didn’t know what to do.
There was nothing I could do but lie there as men yelled at
Beth to put her hands up and move away from me. I didn’t
know where her knife went. Would she still kill me in front
of the police?
“Please Beth,” I cried.
“Shut up. This is all your fault. All of it. If you would’ve
kept your mouth shut, none of this would’ve happened.”
“It’s over, Beth,” a woman’s voice joined the male voices.
Beth didn’t get the chance to answer. Out of nowhere,
she was tackled from behind, her head hitting the ground
with a sickening thud. At the same time, I was grabbed
under my armpits and pulled away from a struggling Beth.
She was screaming obscenities and threatening to kill me.
My body tensed, and fight or flight set in; I fought
against the hold, trying to break free.
“It’s me, Red. Relax baby; you’re safe.”
Nick.
“Where’s Sally?” I asked.
“Let me worry about you right now.”
“No! I’m fine. Please, Nick. Help her; she saved my life.
Go to her.”
“Joel’s got her. Let me cut you free and check your leg.”
“Please, Nick. She saved me.”
He didn’t answer. The tape binding my wrists and ankles
were cut, and Nick rubbed my arms. He called for a medic,
and soon a man and a woman joined us. Neither of us
spoke, but he never took his eyes from mine. I heard the
man tell Nick I needed to get to a hospital. Nick nodded
and held my hand while I was loaded into the ambulance. I
was surprised when he climbed in after me. I thought he’d
need to stay behind with the police, but he never let go.
“I’m sorry I drank the coffee. I was so stupid. I’m so
sorry I killed Sally.”
Nick hung his head, and the thin leash that was holding
me together snapped when the first tear fell from his eye.
It was all my fault.
25
 FLY OR DRIVE?

T he hospital was swarming with police when the

ambulance pulled into the ER bay. The back doors of
the rig were pulled open, and Meadow’s stretcher
was flanked by police on both sides as we were escorted to
a private room usually reserved for chemical contamination
or communicable diseases. The threat of Beth Stevens was
now contained; however, the media would be surrounding
the hospital like flies on shit. I was grateful the local PD
was doing what they could to keep them at bay.
The doctor came in, and the rapid-fire questions began.
She was taking Meadow’s vitals and inquiring about past
medical history. Through it all I sat there stone-faced,
unable to give Meadow the reassurance she wanted.
I’d failed her.
I was still failing her.
I couldn’t stop the replay reel of Meadow thrashing
around on the ground. One second later. That was all it
would’ve taken. If Sally hadn’t gotten loose and charged
Beth, Meadow could’ve died. I could do nothing; there was
no time for me to get to her.
Sally!
Jesus fuck, the dog saved my girl, not me. I didn’t do a
damn thing. And all Meadow was worried about was if Sally
was okay. Then she apologized to me for taking coffee from
Beth.
My phone vibrated, and I pulled it from my pocket.
Joel: Sally is at the emergency vet clinic on 12 th.
Updates to follow. How’s Meadow?
Me: Thanks. With the doc now.
“You’re a lucky lady, Meadow. Two lacerations. One I’m
going to suture, the other I’ll Dermabond. I want to get
your thigh cared for before we clean your back. I can Steri-
Strip a few of the deeper cuts. Your back is going to be
sore. I’m more concerned with the abrasions becoming
infected than I am about the clean incisions on your leg.
Your back will need to be washed twice a day with anti-
bacterial soap, you’ll use a betadine ointment to use as
well. I’m going to give you a round of IV antibiotics now
and write you a ten-day script. Any questions?”
“No,” Meadow answered.
“Yes,” I countered. “She was drugged with ketamine.
What are the side effects?”
“I was told. Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic; it is
short lasting, meaning the effect will wear off quickly. As
the drug leaves the system, reactions vary from high blood
pressure, muscle spasms, hallucinations, and extreme
agitation. The flip side is low blood pressure and decreased
breathing. Meadow isn’t presenting any adverse side
effects,” the doctor informed me.
“What about a concussion? We don’t know if she hit her
head,” I argued.
“I’m fine, Nick.” Meadow grabbed my hand and I fought
not to jerk it away.
“We don’t know that,” I said.
“Agent Clark. I understand your concern. I can assure
you we will be observing Miss Holiday closely over the next
few hours, but as of now, it’s my belief she’ll be home in her
bed tonight with pain meds to manage any discomfort.”
 “Nick?”
Fuck. I couldn’t take Meadow’s tears; I needed a minute
to regain my composure.
“I’ll be right back. I need to check in with the guys,” I
lied, pulling my hand free.
I didn’t miss the look of disappointment when I left the
exam room. I also didn’t miss the sound of Meadow’s sobs.
I yanked my phone back out of my pocket and dialed the
one person I knew could help. I didn’t bother with the time,
because they wouldn’t care. Day or night didn’t matter.
“Hello?”
“Sorry to bother you. You gotta minute?” I asked.
“Always. What’s wrong?”
“I fucked up.” I tried to hide the hitch in my voice, but
nothing escaped my uncle’s notice.
“We’ll be there,” he answered. No questions. No
hesitation. I was a grown man, yet Nolan would rush to my
side if needed.
“That’s not necessary. I just need to talk,” I told him.
“We’ll talk. But first I need to know if it can wait the
eight hours it will take me to drive or if I need a flight?”
Shit. I shouldn’t have called.
“Really, you don’t need to come.”
“Bullshit. Fly or drive?”
“Drive,” I told him.
“Great, I’ll book a flight. Now, tell me what’s wrong?”
Did he not hear me tell him to drive?
Instead of arguing, I broke down and told him about
Meadow, and what I could about the investigation, and how
tonight had played out. By the end, I thought I was going to
throw up. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how close
Meadow came to dying.
“Fuck, Nicholas. That was a close call. Glad to hear
Meadow’s safe. You did good. Proud of you.”
“Did you hear what I said? I fucked up. I missed the
fucking big flashing sign over Beth’s head. It’s my fault.”
 “Yeah. I heard everything you said. I also know that you
have your head up your ass. Nothing, I repeat nothing that
bitch did, was your fault. Meadow is safe. End of story.”
“My head’s not…”
“Nick, you’re gonna listen to me carefully. Go back to
your woman. Grab her and hold tight.”
“I can’t even look at her; I fucked up so bad. I don’t
know how she doesn’t hate me.”
“Fuck,” he cursed, and I heard the phone being pulled
away from his face before a muffled “Hey Lenox? Grab the
guys, wheels up in twenty.”
“Nolan, that’s not necessary I don’t need everyone
coming up here. I’m fine.”
“No, boy, you’re not fine. You’re getting ready to make
the biggest mistake of your life. Listen. To. Me. Go to
Meadow. Do not say anything to her until we get there.
Hold her and give her whatever she needs. I need you to
fight like hell not to run away. We’ll be there as soon as we
can.”
“How’d you know I was gonna run?” I asked.
“Because I almost did when your Aunt Reagan lost her
fucking kidney because I had my head up my ass, denying
to myself and everyone else I was in love with her. Do you
want to know about fucking up? Boy, you can’t hold a
candle to me. I’ll be there. You hold tight.” He disconnected
before I could ask him what he meant.
I knew the story about my Aunt Reagan getting taken
and being held on an abandoned oil rig that was being used
as a black-market organ trafficking hospital, but I didn’t
know my uncle had felt responsible. Reagan and my uncle
had just started dating when I moved in with them. When
she’d moved to Florida to start a job it sucked, I missed her,
and Nolan thought he hid it, but he was heartbroken.
What kind of pussy was I calling my uncle for help while
I stood in the hallway of a hospital crying like a fucking
baby?
 I sent off a text to Joel asking about Sally. Still no
updates, she was in surgery. Please, God, do not let Sally
die!
When I walked back into the room, my betrayal smacked
me dead center in my chest. Meadow was lying on a
hospital bed clutching the sheet at her side while the
doctor stitched her leg - alone. Not only was I weak, but I
was a total douchebag leaving her the way I did. I broke my
promise to her. I gave her my word she’d never be alone
again. Yet there she was folded into herself without me by
her side.
“Hey.” I slid next to her and pried her fingers off the
fabric and brought them up to my mouth, kissing each of
them. “I’m sorry.”
Meadow’s red-rimmed eyes came to mine, and she tried
to smile. God, she was killing me. She was the one that was
attacked but she was reassuring me.
“I’m…”
“Shhh, Red. Just rest. We’ll talk later,” I told her.
The doctor finished with the gashes on the thigh and
rolled her to the side to wash the abrasions on her back. I
stayed where I was and lowered my face to hers, so we
were inches apart.
“I’m so proud of you. You were so damn brave, baby,” I
told her as the doctor continued to tend to her road rash.
“How did you find me?” she asked.
“We tracked one of Beth’s phones.”
“One of them? What do you mean?”
“It’s not important. We’ll talk about it when we get you
home.”
I wasn’t prepared to tell her that Beth was Veronica
Venus; and I didn’t think Meadow was emotionally ready
for another blow. That type of betrayal was crushing.
Meadow had poured her heart out to the woman who’d
been behind all her pain. It made me sick thinking about it.
 Four hours later the team, minus Joel who was still with
Sally, had gathered outside Meadow’s hospital room. I’d
gotten a reprieve, and Kilby let me write my after-action
report at the hospital. He also postponed my interview, so I
didn’t have to leave Meadow.
“Good work today,” Kilby said as he prepared to leave. I
gritted my teeth, stopping myself from telling him there
was nothing good about Beth Stevens getting her filthy
hands on Meadow.
Mandy’s hand went to my shoulder and gave it a
squeeze. “I agree. Strong work. Meadow is safe, and Beth
is behind bars.”
“You ready to take her home?” Detective Lance said
when he approached.
“Yes. She’s been released; we’re waiting on your okay,” I
told him.
As predicted, the outside of the hospital was crawling
with media. It was a madhouse outside, and we’d been
planning our escape without being noticed.
“I’ve arranged for her to be taken by ambulance back to
Firehouse 15. There is an unmarked car already there
waiting to take you home. I’ll follow the ambulance in my
car to make sure the rig isn’t being followed,” he explained.
“Thank you, much appreciated.”
“It’s the least I can do for being such an asshole. I was
wrong and doubted you and damn if your profile wasn’t
spot on. I won’t be making that mistake again.” Detective
Lance offered his hand to Kilby, who graciously took his
hand in a brief shake and nod.
“You’ll have our reports in the next day or two,” Kilby
told him, then turned to us. “Any word on Sally? Christ
Almighty when that dog jumped over the seat and darted
out of the car I didn’t know what to expect. Her jumping
into Beth Stevens was not what I expected. Though she is
yours; I should’ve known she’d go off reservation.”
 The team chuckled, and I did my best to smile though I
knew it had to look more like a grimace.
“Joel said she made it through surgery, but the vet said
it didn’t look good. I’d appreciate no one saying anything to
Meadow. She’s torn up about what happened, and I’m
afraid what the news will do to her.”
The team gave their agreement, and Lance escorted us
back through the ER to an awaiting ambulance. Meadow’s
gurney was quickly loaded, and the rig took off.
26
 THE UNCLES

“H ow could I not have known you were so

infuriating? And possibly the most stubborn
man alive?” I whined.
“Me? Stubborn? You do remember you were in the
hospital a few hours ago, right? And… don’t roll your eyes
at me Meadow.”
“Nick. I can walk to the bathroom. You don’t need to
carry me every time I have to pee.”
“The doctor said not to put pressure on your leg,” he
reminded me for the tenth time. The fluids I’d received at
the ER were running through me, and I had to pee every
five minutes, which meant Nick was carrying me back and
forth to the bathroom every five minutes.
“She said much pressure. I can limp to use the
bathroom.”
This time Nick rolled his eyes at me and ignored my
protest when he sat me on the couch. When we got home,
he’d put me to bed, and I dozed, but a horrible nightmare
had woken me up. Nick held me until I stopped crying and
now I didn’t want to go back to sleep. The painkillers were
making it hard to keep my eyes open, but fear of reliving
my attack was a great motivator. So was the grief I saw on
Nick’s face when he rocked me, apologizing over and over
that he allowed Beth to get to me.
It didn’t matter how many times I told him it wasn’t his
fault; he kept saying it was. I’d do anything to keep the
guilt and sadness from his eyes. He’d saved me, and I
couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that. Him and
Sally. I knew he was keeping secrets from me. For one he
told me Sally was out of surgery, but instead of relief, there
was trepidation. When I questioned him, he brushed it off.
He said he didn’t blame me for Sally getting hurt, but I
didn’t believe him. It was my fault. Beth had stabbed her
because she was trying to save me. Sally took the blow that
was meant for me. How could Nick not hate me? Then
there was the issue of Beth’s second phone, and why he
was being so secretive about it. I couldn’t figure out what
the big deal was. I mean, sure it was weird she had two
phones, but it’s not unheard of. Something wasn’t right. I
started to tell him that Beth must’ve hacked into my phone
or computer because she’d read the messages I’d sent to
Veronica Venus. Then there were her weird ramblings
about listening to me bitch and complain. That
conversation was shut down too, but not before he
stumbled on his words and turned very uncomfortable. I
didn’t understand why, and I didn’t like it.
“Would you like something to drink?” he asked, ignoring
my reminder.
“No, thank you. I’m not drinking anything else that will
make me need to pee more until you let me use the
bathroom on my own.”
His lips twitched, and his right eyebrow pulled up. “Is
that so?”
The first sign of a ghost of a smile since he’d found me.
“Yes, it is.” I smiled at him. “I wish you’d talk to me.”
“We are talking.”
“Don’t be daft. You know what I’m saying.”
 “Daft?” Nick chuckled. “I’ve been called many things,
daft isn’t one of them.”
“Stop changing the subject,” I groaned.
Nick sighed and brushed my hair over my shoulder,
exposing my scar and gently trailing his finger over it. “The
details aren’t important. What is important is, you’re here
safe and Beth is locked in a cage where she belongs.”
“They’re important to me.”
The knock on the door interrupted his response, and he
was all too happy to excuse himself to see who was there. It
was strange not having Sally here; her crate and dog bed
sat empty in the corner. If Nick refused to give me answers,
I’d find them myself. He’d mentioned the name of the clinic
she was being treated at; I didn’t know if privacy laws
pertained to vets like they did doctors, but I was going to
find out. One way or another I would get the truth and not
only about Sally. It was frustrating, I had all the
information, but I couldn’t put it together.
Nick walked back into the living room, followed by four
men, all with matching scowls. I tried to scoot back into the
couch and make myself as small as possible. The man that
had walked in behind Nick quickly masked his frown and
his face went blank.
“Meadow. These are my uncles: Nolan, Lenox, Levi, and
Jasper.”
Well, that explained it, Nick Clark came from good
stock. The grey and fine wrinkles only added to their
appeal.
Can you say – silver fox?
Sweet Jesus. Of all times for me to meet his uncles, I
was a mess. I tried to shuffle to stand, and all five men
lunged at me.
“Red,” Nick warned.
The other four all made similar warning sounds. Sheesh,
now I understood where Nick got that too.
 The glare I leveled at Nick did not deter. “Don’t cut your
eyes at me. You’re not supposed to put pressure on your
leg.”
“Much. Much pressure. I think I can manage to stand for
two seconds to meet your family. Either you can help me
stand, or I’ll do it myself, and if I bust a stitch and you tell
me I told you so, I swear to all things holy I will… scream.”
I finished lamely.
“Christ,” one of the men said.
“It is like deja vu,” another added.
“Apple didn’t roll far from the tree.”
“’Bout damn time he found her.”
Nick’s eyes narrowed on the men. “You’re not helping.
None of you. She needs to stay off that goddamn leg.”
What was going on? Why was he so upset?
“Nick?” He looked from his uncles to me. “I’ll stay
seated. But I want it on record; I’m doing so not because I
don’t think I should walk, I’m doing it because it seems to
matter to you. I promise you I’m fine. And don’t think
because I’m giving in now, means you’re gonna carry me to
the bathroom again.”
“Thank you.”
At least he had the decency to look embarrassed about
being an overbearing jerk.
“It’s nice to meet you all,” I told the men.
They all returned my greeting, introducing themselves
again. Nolan and Nick looked almost identical, and when
Nick explained that Clark, as he’s called by the others, was
his blood and the rest all served in the Army with him and
were honorary uncles, it made sense.
Clark made himself at home, getting everyone drinks.
When he handed me a bottle of water, Nick stopped him.
“She’s on strike, refusing to drink until I allow her to
walk.”
I got a round of good for you. Clark slapped Nick on the
back and muttered something about me fitting right in with
his aunts.
I didn’t want to think about what that meant. If more
people were on their way over, I was getting up and getting
dressed. Nick could throw a temper tantum all he wanted; I
was not meeting the women in his family looking like this.
27
 ALIVE AND BREATHING

“Y ou’re gonna give yourself a stroke if you don’t

calm down,” my uncle told me.
I loved my uncles, but I was happy Lenox,
Jasper, and Levi were all getting ready to leave to have
dinner with the director to discuss some upcoming training
contracts. Now that they’d retired from the Army, they
owned a huge facility where they offered comprehensive
firearms instruction and scenario-based training to a
variety of government agencies. They’d never been short
on contracts since they’d opened their doors; men with
their specialized skillset were in high demand.
I didn’t need them all ganging up on me again, telling
me Meadow looked like she was getting ready to stab me
and they’d hold me down, so she had a clear target.
“You don’t understand.” I gritted my teeth, trying not to
lose patience with the men who had raised me.
“I don’t?” Nolan’s face turned to stone, his stance
widened, and his arms crossed over his wide chest, a pose
that used to scare the shit out of me when I was a teenager.
“How could you? I fucked up. I was so caught up in her
that I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. She
almost died. One more minute and she wouldn’t be here.
Do you know what that feels like?”
 “I do. When I found your aunt on that oil rig, she’d
already lost a fucking kidney and half her liver. The
motherfucker had opened her up and taken an organ,
Nicholas. Do you want to know what he was selling next?
Her goddamn eyes. She was prepped and ready to be
butchered again when we got there. So, yes, son, I think I
understand exactly what you’re feeling. You were there,
you knew how I felt about Reagan, but I was trying to play
it cool, and let her go. You wanna know why I didn’t stop
her from leaving and moving to Florida? Pride. I was too
afraid she’d turn me down and move after I told her how I
felt. And my poor man-ego was afraid of rejection. I let her
go. I wasn’t there to protect her. She almost died. They
both almost died. But neither of them did. Meadow is alive
and breathing.”
Shit. I felt like a complete asshole. I was only eleven
when Reagan was taken. My uncle was scared to death
even though he tried his best to hide it from me. Everyone
was. When she came home, no one talked to me about the
specifics. I was a kid, and my uncles did their best to shield
me from anything that would upset me.
“The only thing that mattered to me was that she was
breathing when I found her. I must’ve repeated it a
thousand times in my head – as long as you’re breathing I
can love you through anything. The whole time she was in
the hospital, all I needed was for her to keep breathing.
The rest? The scars, both physical and emotional – we’d
love her through them. Her nightmares – I’d hold her. It
didn’t matter. None of it did.”
“She wants to know the details,” I told him.
“So tell her,” Jasper spoke for the first time.
“What? Why? She doesn’t need to know,” I countered.
“You’re wrong. She does. Your aunt blackmailed me into
telling her what happened when I found her. She refused to
move in with us until I told her what happened on the oil
platform. I dodged every time she asked me, until one night
in bed she held my ass to the fire and demanded I tell her
everything,” Nolan explained.
“She’s not ready. I’m doing the right thing,” I argued.
“No.” Lenox started. “You’re not ready. And that I know
something about. I spent twelve years thinking I was doing
the right thing, and another nine months after that fighting
a losing battle. It almost lost me Lily and Carter.”
Levi had been the only one not to speak up, but by the
look of condemnation on his face, I knew I was about to get
a dressing down.
“You’re wasting time, and all of us standing here can tell
you, time is not your friend. Man up, and tell her what she
wants to know. When she breaks under the weight, hold her
up. The woman in there loves you, don’t waste it because of
some misplaced guilt. There was nothing you could’ve done
differently that would’ve prevented Beth from hurting
Meadow. If you keep holding on to that notion, there will be
no room left for Meadow.”
“What’s going on?” Meadow asked as she limped into
the living room.
Levi’s hand on my shoulder halted my reprimand.
“You’re gonna have to learn to pick your battles. She’s
stronger than you think. And you handling her with kid
gloves is not helping. You can only push her so far before
you’re on the begging end of this relationship. Trust me, it
sucks.”
“Nothing, sweetheart. Come and sit down. We were just
getting ready to leave for dinner,” Nolan answered.
“You’re going too?” I asked.
“Yeah. Meadow, Nick has some stuff he needs to tell you;
we’ll give you privacy.”
My own fucking uncle threw me under the bus.
Goddammit to hell.
28
 VERONICA VENUS

“W hy do you keep apologizing? It’s not your

fault.”
I was trying to be patient, but now I was
getting annoyed. Nick had apologized no less than five
times in the last thirty minutes since his uncles left.
“I should’ve gotten to you sooner.”
“Really? How? With your psychic abilities? You guys
found me; that’s all that matters.”
Sheesh. Enough with the guilt already!
“She drugged you, and…”
“Stop. Enough. I know what she did Nick. I was there. I
drank the coffee. I am the one who should’ve known better
than to drink anything she gave me. She probably spit in it
too. She hated me and didn’t hide it. Why I thought it was a
good idea to take anything from her is my mistake. Now,
please just tell me what her second phone had to do with
how you found me, and why it’s a big deal?”
“Fuck, Red. You remember how she told you she had
listened to you whine about your life for the past five years,
and she knew everything you told Veronica Venus?”
“Yeah. She had to have hacked my phone or something.”
“No, baby, Beth is Veronica Venus.”
“What?”
 How was that possible? Veronica Venus lived in South
Dakota. I met her after my attack on a message board. That
didn’t make any sense.
“Beth was pretending to be a survivor so she could get
close to you and keep tabs in case you remembered
anything. We were also able to isolate messages from
Veronica Venus and pings on her cellphone that she had
been following you a long time.”
“That’s not possible. How would she know what
message board I belonged to, or my handle?”
“When did you start messaging with Veronica Venus?”
he asked.
“I don’t know; after my attack, I joined the message
board.”
“Right, but when did VV21 pop up on the message
board? Had you gone back to work?”
Holy shit.
“She said I should’ve been more careful using company
computers. When I went back to work sometimes on my
lunch break, I would sit at my desk and log in to the
message board.”
“Why would she do that?” I cried. “Oh God, Nick, I told
her everything.”
I didn’t care that Beth knew I’d called her names behind
her back. If I’d been strong enough at the time, I would’ve
said them to her face. It was all the other stuff I told her. I’d
spilled my guts to the woman who hurt me, all of my
thoughts and feelings about never having children, not
feeling worthy of love or a man, and how I felt less of a
woman. Oh, my God. I poured my heart out thinking she
was my best friend; she knew everything about me.
Everything.
“I’m sorry, Red, come here.” Nick tried to pull me closer
to him, but I recoiled. I didn’t want him touching me, or
feeling sorry for me - poor stupid Meadow.
“Don’t. Please just leave me alone.”
 “No, Red…”
“Leave Nick. I don’t need your fucking pity.”
“I don’t pity you.” Then he sighed. “This is why I didn’t
want to tell you yet. You needed more time.”
“More time for what? More time for you to laugh at me
about what an idiot I am?”
“Enough. You’re not an idiot and I would never fucking
laugh at you.” Nick’s face had turned to stone, and his
voice was rough with anger.
“Great. Just great. Did everyone on your team read the
messages?”
“Meadow, listen to me, it wasn’t like that. No one was
reading the messages to invade your privacy. We were
simply trying to find clues as to where she would’ve taken
you. Then she powered on the phone and Kristy was able to
ping your location.”
“So, everyone knows how weak and pathetic I am.
Whining and crying to my imaginary online friend about
how lonely I was, how I’d never have a husband or baby,
how I was falling in love with you. Oh, my God, they saw
what I told Veronica Venus, ugh, Beth, about our first date.”
“No one sees you that way, and no one cares what you
told that bitch. I promise you they were not reading the
messages to gossip. All we wanted to do was find you.”
“Please just leave. I need some time to myself,” I
begged.
“No way, Red. I’m not letting you sit in here by yourself.”
I needed him to go. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I
couldn’t bear to look at him. How could I have been so
stupid to tell my most inner thoughts to a stranger? So, I
did the cruelest thing I could think of – the unimaginable.
“I don’t want you here. This is all your fault. Now leave
me alone.”
I regretted the words immediately. Nick recoiled and
hung his head before he looked back at me with more pain
and shame than I’d ever seen in a person’s eyes. I did that,
and to further twist the knife in my heart, I did it on
purpose, so he would leave me to wallow alone in my self-
hatred. I lashed out trying to make him hate me so I could
in turn hate myself more. I didn’t deserve Nick. I was
broken and weak. He needed a woman who was his equal,
not someone who had nothing to offer.
I was destined to be alone the rest of my life.
29
 UGLY REGRET

“H ow long have you been sitting there?” Nolan

asked.
“Long enough for her to cry herself to
sleep and my ass to go numb,” I told him.
“Come on, let’s take a walk.”
“I can’t leave. If she has a nightmare, I need to be here.”
“Levi will stand guard. You need a break.”
I relented only because I knew my uncle and he wouldn’t
stop pestering me until I did as he asked. We walked out to
the living room, and Levi went down the hall, taking my
place standing guard outside the door. I’d helplessly
listened as Meadow sobbed until she’d finally fallen asleep.
I was completely lost and didn’t know what I was supposed
to do next. She blamed me, too. Was I supposed to drive
her home when she woke up and let her recuperate on her
own? Make her stay and suffer having to look at the man
who almost got her killed?
“What happened?” Jasper asked.
I told Nolan, Jasper, and Lenox about the conversation I
had with Meadow and how she’d finally admitted that she
blamed me.
“You know she didn’t mean what she said, she was
trying to protect herself and push you away,” Lenox said.
 “I don’t know why you think that, but you’re wrong. You
didn’t see the hate in her eyes. She meant every word.”
“I know I’m right because I did the same thing to Lily
when she first came back into my life. We’d spent about
two weeks together. They were perfect; she was perfect.
Then fear and self-doubt crept in, and I didn’t believe I
deserved her. The team got a call-out, and I used it as an
excuse to break Lily’s heart. I needed her to hate me, so I
could walk away. I lied right to her face and told her I
didn’t love her. When she called me out, I told her all she
was to me was a good fuck. You cannot imagine the disgust
I felt saying those words to the woman I adored. I
understand why Meadow pushed you away. She doesn’t
think she deserves love.”
I believed that Lenox thought he was right. And once
again, more information about my uncle’s past was coming
to light. I had no idea he and Aunt Lily had a rocky start.
However, he was wrong about my situation with Meadow.
“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted. “She blames
me; I blame myself. What the hell do I do.”
“You wanna cut her loose?” Jasper asked.
“Fuck no. But I don’t think I have another option.”
“You always have another option. Pull your head out of
your ass and fight for her. Both of you are hurting. Love is
not earned, it is given. You need to remind her your love is
unconditional and without exception. Do not let her dwell
on the past. It will eat her up until there is nothing left but
ugly regret.”
I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t believe that my big
badass uncles were standing in my living room talking
about love and giving me advice about my woman.
“That sounds all too familiar,” Nolan chuckled.
“What does?” I asked.
“You think you’re the first man to have woman trouble?
This is not our first rodeo, son. We all struggled, we all
fucked up, we all needed the help of our brothers to help us
see the beauty standing in front of us. We know we’re right
because we’ve lived this. All four of us have needed the
help of the others to get our shit straight. So, for fuck sake,
you’ve given your woman enough time to lick her wounds.
Now you need to go back in there, wrap her up and no
matter what she throws at you, remember – you love her
without exception. And I promise you what is on the other
side of this is a beauty you cannot fully comprehend. Ride
the storm, Nick. You’ve got this – we’ve got this.”
Nolan patted my shoulder, giving me a renewed
strength. I didn’t realize how desperately I had needed my
uncles, my family, until that moment. Damn, I missed them.
Without needing any further encouragement, I walked
down the hall, thanked Levi, and opened my bedroom door.
Meadow was lying on her side, eyes open, staring at the
wall. When the hinge creaked, her eyes came to mine, but
she quickly averted them. She looked so fucking small
curled up into a ball; I’d screwed up - again. I never
should’ve left her alone in her misery. It shouldn’t have
mattered what she said to me; I should’ve stayed and held
her.
That was a mistake I’d never make again.
I crawled into bed behind her and pulled her back to my
front and wrapped my arms around her.
A long while later she broke the silence. “I shouldn’t
have said it was your fault. I didn’t mean it. It was rotten
and mean and… horrible. I was just so embarrassed; I
didn’t want you to see me like that. It was wrong, and it
will never happen again.”
I kissed the back of her head and remained quiet. I’d let
her talk if she needed but I only wanted to hold her, let her
know that I was strong enough to shoulder the burden.
“Do you want kids?” she whispered.
“Yes.” Then I quickly reminded her. “We’ll adopt. There’s
a child out there that needs us. You will be a mom.”
 “It wasn’t your fault. I know you did everything you
could to find me and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that
you came when you did.”
“I was so scared,” I admitted. “The whole time she had
you I was going out of my mind. The entire day, actually.
Something didn’t feel right. Sally knew; she was pacing and
on alert. When we pulled up to the alley and heard you
screaming, she jumped over the center console, out the
open driver’s side door and took off to protect you. I owe a
dog a debt of gratitude I can never repay. She saved your
life.”
“Do we get to keep her?”
“Bet your ass. She isn’t going anywhere.”
30
 A THOUSAND DEATHS

“A re you ready?” I asked for the twentieth time.

“Hold your horses,” Nick yelled back from
the kitchen.
It had been four days, and Sally was ready to come
home. Nick’s uncles left yesterday. I was sad to see them
go. After some of the shock wore off from Beth’s attempt to
kill me, it was nice to get to know them. They were every
bit as protective as Nick was. It was easy to see the four
men had raised Nick to be the man he was; caring, brave,
and considerate. I didn’t know if you could teach someone
to be good-looking, but if you could, they did that, too. Holy
smokes Nick’s uncles were gorgeous. It was no wonder
Nick had a baseball team full of cousins. We’d made plans
to go to Georgia when I was fully recovered so I could meet
the rest of the tribe, as Nick called them. I couldn’t wait.
Nick and I had spent a lot of time together over the last
few days lying in bed talking, telling each other about our
childhoods. He’d mentioned his mom, Stephanie, a few
times but never elaborated much. I was shocked when he
told me that Stephanie was married to his uncle Nolan and
had an affair with Nolan’s brother, Nicholas, while Nolan
was on deployment. Nicholas was also in the Army and had
deployed soon after the affair was discovered. Sadly, he
died when his helicopter was hit by an RPG two months
later. Nick had never seen a picture of his dad until he
moved in with Nolan when his mom was arrested on
vehicular manslaughter charges. She was sentenced to two
life sentences and died in prison of liver failure. Nolan and
Reagan adopted Nick when he was twelve. He said he
could barely remember a time when he didn’t have them.
“Okay, ready.” Nick walked into the living room and my
mouth watered. Damn, he was sexy. It didn’t matter what
he was wearing – a suit for work, athletic gear to go to the
gym, or jeans and a tee like he was wearing now; he looked
mighty fine.
“I forgot to ask, how did your conversation with
Alexandra go?”
“Good. She completely agreed that Sally shouldn’t be
separated from you. She’s going to pair Gabe with a new
dog.”
I felt horrible that Gabe was going to have to wait to be
paired with a new dog, but I couldn’t imagine Sally not
being with us.
“But he’ll still get one, right?”
“Yes. Alexandra said she already has the perfect dog in
mind. A retired Belgian Malinois named Dottie. Her
handler’s wife is having twins, and there are complications.
He’ll only let Dottie go if Alex can pair her with one of her
vets. So, it’s perfect. Malinois require a lot of attention,
especially one that is a retired working dog. Dottie will
keep Gabe active, and that is one of Alex’s goals.”
“Knowing that makes me feel better. I hate thinking that
Gabe would be without a companion.”

“O H MY G OD . N ICK !”
 Sally looked bad. She had something the vet called flail
chest. Part of Sally’s broken ribs had been detached and
had caused pressure on her lungs. The bruising on her
lungs made it difficult to breathe and almost killed her; that
and Beth’s stab had ruptured her spleen. All the beautiful
fur down her belly had been shaved, and there was an
angry red incision held together by staples. I hobbled over
to the dog bed the vet had laid out for Sally.
“We didn’t kennel her,” Dr. Steel explained. “I didn’t
want her anymore agitated than she already was without
you.” I tuned out the rest of what the doctor was saying
and only heard Nick’s half-growl half-grunt when I knelt in
front of Sally to cuddle her, but he didn’t dare stop me.
“Aren’t we a pair. Now we’ll match.” Sally licked my face
when I rubbed my cheek to her snoot. “You’re such a good
girl.”
Her tail swooshed on the floor, and she tried to scoot
toward me.
“Don’t move baby girl.” Uncaring how dirty the floor
was in the Vet clinic, or my leg screaming in protest, I laid
on my side next to Sally, carefully wrapped my arms around
her and cried into her soft fur. “You saved me.” Sally
burrowed in and shoved her face into the crook of my neck.
I was so thankful Sally was alive I couldn’t stop crying.
“Are you girls ready to go home now?”
Nick had given me time with Sally while he spoke with
the vet, making sure he understood how to care for her
wounds. I grabbed the paperwork, and a bag of wound care
supplies, while Nick carried Sally to his car and placed her
in the backseat. I slid in next to her, not wanting to leave
her side even for a minute.
It was the same when we pulled in front of Nick’s. He
carried her inside and laid her on the bed.
“Don’t get used to this,” Nick warned. “In a few days,
she’ll be back on her bed.”
Sure, she would.
 Nick was a big ol’ softy, and he was just as grateful to
Sally as I was. I didn’t believe he wanted her more than an
arm’s length away either.
My leg was throbbing, and the scabs on my back itched
like crazy. When I got into bed next to Sally, I tried to rub
my back on the sheets to quell some of the discomfort.
“Lie on your side, I’ll rub your back with some arnica
gel,” Nick offered.
I should’ve known he wouldn’t miss my scratching.
“You’re too good to me. That would be wonderful. It
itches so bad now.”
“You know, it’s only going to get worse. The more the
scrapes heal, the itchier they’ll be.”
“Thanks for reminding me. I’ll have to use a door jamb
or a brush to itch.”
“Or, you could move in here, and I can scratch them for
you.”
“Move in?”
My insides fluttered, and my heartrate picked up. Move
in? Holy shit. Were we ready to live together? Maybe he
meant while I was healing.
“Yeah, you know, pack up your apartment and drive it
over here,” he laughed.
I elbowed him in the ribs, and his laughter died on a
grunt.
“Is it too soon?” I asked.
“Hell no. Do you love me?” his voice was unsure as he
asked.
“Of course, I do.”
“Then why wait?”
“Well…” I tried to think of a good reason, but I couldn’t.
Living here with Nick and Sally was a dream come true,
something I never thought I’d have. Somehow this
wonderful man had looked past my scars and loved me.
What more could I ask for?
 “I died a thousand deaths the day Beth had you. My
heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. Meadow, I
know you’re the one. I don’t want to waste a day. I want my
girls here, under my roof, where I can come home every
day and love them. I want your clothes next to mine, us
making coffee together in the morning, but most of all, I
want to fall into bed every night with you where you’re
supposed to be – by my side. I love you, Red, and if you’ll
have me, one day soon I want to make you my wife and
adopt all those kids I know you want. We’ll fill our home full
of love. You and me? There’s nothing we can’t do together.”
I was speechless. I don’t know what I’d done to deserve
Nick and his unwavering love and support, but I wasn’t
going to squander it. If he was giving it, I was taking it,
holding on to it, and protecting it. We had the foundation,
the roots had taken hold, and I was basking in the glow. I
would do everything in my power to make sure I nurtured
and cherished our budding relationship until it grew so
towering and unbreakable he’d never be sorry he chose
me.
He pulled my shirt up and was spreading the cooling gel
into my back. I took a moment to enjoy his strong hands
against my skin. When I looked at Sally, her sweet face
resting on a pillow next to me, I knew I was home.
“I love you, Nicholas Clark.”
“Does that mean you’ll stay?”
“There is no place in the world I’d rather be.”
The three of us laid in silence; there was no need to fill
the moment with words. Peace had settled over the room,
its weight heavy and comfortable - a promise for the future.
Home.
EPILOGUE
 BECOMING A MAN

F our years later.

Nick’s transfer had gone through, and he’d
taken his wife home to Georgia.
Meadow had spent the last few months going back and
forth between Virginia and Georgia to go house hunting
with his aunts, who were all more than happy to help.
They’d started dropping hints two years ago after he and
Meadow had married that it was time to move home. The
cousins missed him, and his uncles could use his help at
their training facility. He wasn’t ready to leave the FBI yet,
but did agree it was time to go to Georgia and start a family
of his own with Meadow.
After what seemed to be a hundred houses later,
Meadow declared she’d found the perfect one, a four-
bedroom with a huge yard for Sally and room for a swing
set. What had Meadow so excited was it was in the same
neighborhood as Nolan and Reagan’s house. Nick liked
that. He’d missed his family the last nine years he’d been
away. Not that his family hadn’t always been close by, his
uncles were always at the ready to help when he needed.
Thankfully, he’d only had to call on them once, when the
weight of Meadow’s near-death attack had left him close to
breaking. He’d never be more grateful to the men for
stopping him from what would’ve been his biggest regret.
Luckily for Meadow and Nick, they knew no such regrets.
Nick watched from inside the house, through the wall of
windows that gave a perfect unobstructed view of the
backyard as Meadow threw Sally a ball. They were
inseparable, Sally and Meadow, his girls. He couldn’t wait
to start welcoming children into their new home. They had
an appointment with an adoption agency in a week. Nick
was trying his hardest not to get his hopes up; it could take
a long time for them to be accepted and then find a child to
love. But he was more than ready.
There was a knock on the door, and Nick called out the
back door to Meadow. “You ready?”
Before she could answer, voices filled the entryway and
people started filing in.
“Yo! Now that you’re home, you better get used to
Jasper just walking in. After all these years, no one has
been able to train him to wait for the door to be answered,”
Lenox said.
“Even after he’s walked in on things he shouldn’t see,”
Levi grouched.
“Gross,” Adalyn Walker, Jasper and Emily’s youngest
daughter, said.
“Dad, why don’t you just wait? It’s totally rude,” Delaney
Walker, their eldest daughter, asked.
“Because he thinks it’s funny to annoy people. Uncle
Lenox said if he did it again he was going to put his foot in
his ass. So, dad just does it more.” Hadley Walker, Adalyn’s
twin, added.
“Hadley!” Emily Walker scolded her daughter.
“What? It’s true. He said a bunch of other bad words I’m
not saying. And Aunt Lily said she’d wash his mouth out
with soap if he used the frick word in front of us again. Dad
says it, like, all the time. You should wash his mouth out.”
Jasper roared with laughter and patted his daughter on
the head as he walked by her adding, “Sweetheart, if your
mother tried to wash my mouth out with soap I’d bend her
over my knee and spank her.”
“Jasper!” Emily now chastised her husband, who was
unfazed and winked at her.
“That is so gross. I know what that means!” Delaney
whined. “Why can’t I have normal parents? This is why I
can’t bring a boyfriend to the house.”
Nick watched as two very interesting things happened.
Carter Lenox, Lily and Lenox’s eldest son, cut his eyes at
Delaney, the possessive sound Carter made wouldn’t have
been missed if anyone had been paying attention. The other
was Jasper stopped dead in his tracks, turned toward his
very beautiful fifteen-year-old daughter, and he too made a
sound that was of a possessive father. “You do not bring
boyfriends to the house, because I will shoot them. And you
can thank your mother for passing down her black hair,
blue eyes, and sense of humor, three things that make
teenage boys lose their minds. The first boy that knocks on
my door will walk away with a limp.”
“You are impossible,” Delaney told Jasper.
Jasper was not wrong. His fifteen-year-old looked more
like a twenty-year-old version of her very stunning mother.
Jasper had three more after Delaney to worry about – all
equally pretty.
Lily Lenox walked in with her son, Ethan, following
behind her; she had a tray of veggies, and Ethan was
carrying a case of beer though he was nowhere near old
enough to drink it.
Nick’s younger brother, Jackson, and Quinn Walker
came in holding a video game console, controllers, and
cables. The two of them had been best friends since before
they could walk. Then when they could, everyone wished
they could lock them in a padded room together to contain
the tornado they caused wherever they went. The two of
them were trouble, and always up to something. Nick was
afraid his brother was going to be in a world of hurt when
Quinn grew up a little more, and other boys started to
notice how beautiful she was. There would come a time
when Quinn didn’t want to build things with Jack anymore,
and she’d notice the attention the boys were sure to give
her.
“Where’s your mom and dad?” Blake McCoy asked as
she looked around the room for Reagan and Clark. Her
husband Levi and their daughter Moira had already made
their way to the kitchen to unload all the food they’d
brought.
“I don’t know, they told me to walk down here and
they’d be up in a minute,” Jack answered, helping himself
to Nick’s TV.
Nick and Meadow stood off to the side and smiled.
Controlled chaos, that was what Reagan had called it when
the large group got together. It was perfect. Nick wouldn’t
want it any other way. This was how Nick had grown up –
surrounded with love and laughter.
“Where’s Jason and Kayla?” Meadow asked Emily about
Nick’s cousin and his fiancée.
“They’ll be here soon. Jason forgot something at his
house; they went to get it,” Emily explained.
It took a while, but Nick had ushered everyone into the
backyard where he and Meadow had set up tables for the
food and coolers for the drinks. It was a beautiful day; the
sun was shining, Sally was in dog heaven having six kids
under the age of fifteen to chase around.
Meadow looked around the backyard and smiled.
Perfect.
She loved their family. They were loud, they were
hilarious, and they loved unconditionally. Nolan and Reagan
tried to slip in unnoticed and sat at a table off to the side as
if they weren’t thirty minutes late.
Nick, Lenox, Jasper, and Levi glanced over at the couple
and busted out laughing. Meadow wasn’t sure what was so
funny until she looked at Reagan. There was no doubt what
the two of them had been doing with their time alone in
their house.
Reagan’s flushed cheeks turned a deep shade of pink,
and she smiled wide. “What? Can you blame me?”
Meadow couldn’t stop herself; she too joined the men
laughing. “Not one damn bit.”
Nick tagged her around the waist and pulled her closer
to him. “Really, Red?”
“What? There’s something about the Clark men that
inspires…”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Nick laughed, and Meadow
winked at Reagan.
“Damn, I knew she’d fit right in.” Lenox smiled.
Meadow had fit right in. The moment they’d met her, she
was accepted into the tribe and made one of them. She felt
it four years ago, and she felt it now – there was no other
place she’d rather be.

E THAN L ENOX NEEDED to talk to his parents. He’d been

putting it off for the last week, and now the rock that had
started in his stomach had turned into a boulder. He knew
his parents loved him, but they were going to be so
disappointed in him.
He’d fucked up, and he knew it.
He was sixteen-years-old, too young.
But he’d made up his mind.
“Mom. Dad. Can I talk to you a minute?”
Now was as good a time as any Ethan thought; better to
just rip the scab off and bleed.
“What’s wrong?” his mother asked.
“Fuck,” Lenox grunted. Ethan was unable to hide his
discomfort from his father. It wasn’t often Ethan screwed
up. He was a straight-A student and excelled at sports. His
parents had instilled great respect in him; his coaches and
teachers loved him. So did the cheerleaders, and that was
where his current problem started. “As long as no one’s
knocked up, we can fix anything.”
“Lenox.” His mother slapped his father’s shoulder.
Ethan tried to keep his face blank and stop his flinch,
but it was too late. His father saw it.
“Shit,” Lenox muttered.
The time had come for Ethan Lenox to become a man,
years before he should’ve.

Up Next…Chasing Honor
Ethan and Honor
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continuing reading for chapter one.
CHASING HONOR
THE NEXT GENERATION
 CHASING HONOR

T HE N EXT G ENERATION
B OOK 2

R ILEY E DWARDS
 PROLOGUE

“I ’m pregnant.”
“What?” I rolled to my side to get a better look
at Chrissy. The full moon providing enough light I
could make out her pretty features. I brushed her after-sex,
messy hair from her face and noticed she was crying. “But
we always use protection.”
She shivered, and I pulled the sleeping bag over her
chilled skin.
“I don’t know, Ethan. It had to have broken, or you
didn’t put it on right. I’ve missed three periods; I took a
test a few days ago.”
A thousand thoughts sprinted through my mind. This
couldn’t be happening. I was sixteen. We couldn’t have a
baby. Fuck. My parents were going to kill me, but I had to
make this right.
“Marry me,” I blurted.
“Why?” Her eyes widened in shock.
“We’ll get married, and I’ll take care of you and the
baby. Everything will be okay, Chrissy. I promise.”
“I’ve already talked to my parents. I’ll finish out the last
month of school then move to Arizona with my aunt before
I’m showing. They talked to an adoption agency out there.
All you need to do is sign the paperwork.”
 I rolled to my back and looked up at the tiny, sparkling
lights in the midnight sky. I should’ve been happy, Chrissy
and her parents had everything planned. She’d move, have
the baby, and the problem would be taken care of.
Baby. My baby—not a fucking problem.
I should’ve felt relief but I didn’t. I was pissed at the
universe for stealing my youth and dreams and angry at
her that she’d give my baby away.
Fuck.

M AYBE MY COUSIN Nick’s backyard barbeque wasn’t the best

place to have this conversation with my parents, but I
couldn’t keep my secret any longer. Every morning for the
past week my mom had been waiting, like always, in the
kitchen with breakfast ready—she’d kissed both my
brother, Carter, and me on the cheek before she sent us off
to school with a smile. She wouldn’t have been smiling if
she’d known what I’d done.
Sometime after dinner and before he and my mom went
to bed, my dad would come into my room to ask how my
day had been, how baseball practice was going, my grades,
my friends, how Chrissy was. I’d been living a lie and I
couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t listen to my dad tell me
how proud he was of me one more time.
Fuck. My mom was going to cry. I hated seeing her sad,
thankfully it didn’t happen often. Dad had taught Carter
and me from as far back as I could remember we needed to
take care of Mom. All the women in our lives, in fact. That
included our aunts and cousins. It was those lessons that
had led me to my decision.
“Mom. Dad. Can I talk to you a minute?”
My mom looked up and frowned.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
 That was another thing about my mom, she always knew
when one of her boys was in trouble. Goddamn, how could I
have been so stupid? She was going to be crushed. I could
take my father’s anger—I deserved it, but I didn’t think I’d
survive my mom’s disappointment.
I almost said never mind and chickened out until my dad
spoke.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
I’d always been unable to hide my discomfort from my
father. It wasn’t often I screwed up; I was a straight-A
student and excelled at sports. My parents had instilled in
me to always be respectful; my coaches and teachers loved
me. So did the cheerleaders, and that was how my current
problem started. “As long as no one’s knocked up, we can
fix anything.”
“Lenox.” My mother slapped his shoulder.
I tried to keep my face blank and stop the flinch, but it
was too late. My father saw it.
“Shit,” he mumbled and leveled me with one of his
famous “you’ve fucked up now” stares. “Chrissy?”
I nodded, and my mom looked between my dad and me.
“Wait. What? Are you serious?” my mom asked.
I still couldn’t speak, so once again I nodded.
“Goddamn it, Ethan,” Dad growled. “Follow me.” The
three of us walked inside, and my dad pointed to the couch.
“Sit.”
For the first time in my life I defied my father’s wishes.
“I think I’d rather stand if you don’t mind.”
“How did this happen?” Mom asked.
Dad looked at her with his eyebrow raised. “Seriously,
Lily?”
“You know what I mean. We’ve taught you to be safe.”
“We were. The condom broke.” Shit it was embarrassing
talking about my sex life with my parents. They knew I was
sexually active. They’d always been open and honest with
both Carter and me. Mom always stocked the bathroom
with condoms, and Dad had talked to us a million times
about how to treat girls. But talking about it in the abstract
was far different than talking about Chrissy and me doing
it.
“What are you going to do?” Dad asked.
I sucked in a breath and stood tall, trying to convey to
them something I wasn’t—confident.
“I’m keeping the baby.”
“You are?” Confusion laced my mom’s question. “What
about Chrissy?”
“She and her parents talked it over and they’ve decided
to put the baby up for adoption. I’ve thought about it and I
won’t sign the paperwork. She can give it up, and I’ll take
the baby. I’ll raise my child without her.”
“Son,” Dad started. “You’re sixteen. I think we need to
sit down and weigh the options before you make a life
changing decision based on emotion rather than logic.”
“Would you have given away either of your children?”
“Fuck no,” he answered.
“Then how could you ask me to give away mine?”
“We weren’t sixteen, Ethan. We were adults when your
mom got pregnant with Carter.”
“But if it’d happened when she was sixteen, would you
have then?”
My dad’s face turned red, and I knew I had him. He
didn’t need to answer, I knew he would’ve never
entertained the idea of his child being given up for
adoption.
“Ethan,” Mom whispered, the tears I’d dreaded
brimming in her eyes. “Your dad and I want what’s best for
you. Taking care of a baby is hard work. Being a parent is
forever. I don’t think you understand how hard it will be to
do it alone.”
I looked at the two people I loved most in the world,
shock, disappointment, and anger shone in their eyes. My
stomach twisted knowing I’d done that to them.
 “I know you’re both worried for me. I know you’re
disappointed and pissed. I hope one day you’ll both forgive
me, because I know I can’t do this alone—I’ll need both of
you. I may only be sixteen, but dad has shown me every day
what it is to be a good dad, a good man. This is my child.
Mine. I will not give up on it before he or she is even born.
You’ve both taught me better than that. I’m taking
responsibility. Chrissy and her parents have made their
choice, and I’ve made mine. This baby is a Lenox and will
be raised as one.”
“You’re finishing school,” my mom instructed. “When
Carter leaves in a few months for the Naval Academy, we’ll
move you into his room in the basement. There’s enough
space down there for you and the baby. I’ll get together
with your aunts and we’ll get it baby proofed and ready.”
“Thank you,” I choked out.
“Lily, give me a minute alone with Ethan.”
My mom closed the short distance between us and
pulled me into a hug, rolling up on her toes she kissed my
cheek.
“I love you, Ethan.”
“I love you, Mama.”
My dad waited for my mom to leave the room, and I
braced for his ire. He’d kept himself in check in front of my
mom, but I saw the blast coming.
“Fucking hell, Ethan.”
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“A little late for sorry, don’t you think?” I didn’t answer,
not that he was expecting me to. “You have no idea what it
means to be a parent. The sacrifice, the sleepless nights,
the fucking worry your kid is gonna pull some stupid shit.”
He stopped and shook his head. “Think long and hard about
this. Once you do it, there’s no going back, ever.”
“I have thought about it.”
“No, son, I don’t think you have. I think you were so
wrapped up in working your way through all the available
cheerleaders you never stopped to think about shit.”
“You’re right, Dad. I hadn’t thought about it then. But
I’ve thought of nothing else since Chrissy told me. It’s all I
can think about. I’ve thought about how I’d feel knowing
my kid was out there somewhere being raised by strangers.
I can’t do it, you might as well rip my fucking heart from
my chest, Dad. I can’t breathe thinking I’ll have a child I’ll
never know or hold or watch grow up. Adoption is not an
option for me. Then, I thought about how you and Mom and
Carter would look at me knowing I didn’t have the balls to
stand up and be a man.”
“Christ, you don’t make this easy.” My dad’s face
twisted, and he offered me his hand. I cautiously took it,
and he tugged my arm, making me stumble forward.
“Welcome to fatherhood, son. I’m still pissed the fuck off,
but I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

“Y OU ’ RE DOING GREAT , C HRISSY ,” I told her.

“I’m too tired,” she whined.
“Almost there. The doctor said one more push and you’d
be done.”
It hadn’t taken one more push, it had been closer to ten
more. Mr. and Mrs. Krier, Chrissy’s parents, were in the
waiting room along with my family, making it hard to
concentrate on Chrissy. Things were tense between our
families, although both sides had tried to keep interactions
as respectful as they could. The Krier’s had sold their house
in Georgia and were moving to Arizona for a fresh start. I
was still in shock Chrissy was really going through with
signing over her parental rights to me. I’d been holding
onto some sort of stupid hope she’d want to be a part of our
baby’s life. But she’d refused. She was completely
disconnected from the baby. Even at the ultrasound she
wouldn’t look at the monitor. I didn’t understand how she
could do this. It took everything inside of me to stop myself
from yelling at her and telling her how hurt and angry I
was.
“It’s a girl,” the doctor announced. “Ethan, would you
like to cut the cord?”
I pried my hand from Chrissy’s hulk-like grip and took
the surgical scissors from the nurse. I barely remembered
cutting the cord, my daughter’s tiny body holding my
attention.
I had a daughter.
I was a dad.
She was so small and screaming her slime-covered head
off.
“Should she be crying like that?” I asked.
“She’s exercising her lungs,” the nurse smiled and took
my daughter from the doctor, walking over to the scale
where she weighed her and measured her length before
placing her in the prepared bassinet. “Would you like to put
on your first diaper?”
“Yes.” I stepped forward and waited for the nurse to
clean her off with a washcloth. When she was finished she
moved to the side, allowing me to touch her for the first
time.
I had no clue what I was doing, and the nurse took pity
on me.
“You won’t hurt her, just be careful not to cover the cord
clamp with the diaper. You’re doing great. Roll down the
top of the diaper and fasten it.” I did as instructed, and
next the nurse taught me how to properly swaddle her,
explaining that babies like to be “snug as a bug in a rug.”
“You can pick her up now.”
I must’ve looked as stupid as I felt.
“Go on, Ethan. Just pick her up, support her neck and
hold her close to you so she can feel you. You can talk to
her too you know.”
 “Hey, baby,” I whispered after I had her situated in my
arms. “I’m your daddy.” I kissed the top of my daughter’s
head and, for the first time in a long time, I felt tears
rolling down my cheeks.
If someone would’ve told me an hour before I could love
something so much, so thoroughly and completely in the
matter of seconds I would’ve laughed. But holding my baby
girl for the first time, I knew I’d never loved someone so
much.
I walked back to Chrissy’s side, the doctor had taken her
legs down, and she was covered with a blanket, her face
turned away from me.
“Chrissy? Would you like to hold her?”
“No.” Her voice was flat, and she refused to look at us.
“You sure?” I tried again.
“No, Ethan. She’s yours, just take her away. Please.” She
sounded dead inside, and, for the first time since it all
started, I realized how hard this was on her. She wasn’t
ready to be a mom, but she’d quelled her own feelings to
give our child life. Whether she wanted to admit it or not,
that was what being a mom was, loving and sacrificing for
your child.
Careful to balance the baby in my arms I leaned down
and kissed the side of Chrissy’s head.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you so much for her.
Take care of yourself.”
The nurse was waiting by the door with a wheelchair.
Hospital rules said I couldn’t walk out of the room with the
baby. The staff knew our situation and had arranged for the
baby and me to leave the room as soon as possible, moving
us down the hall to a private room as far away from the
Kriers as they could.
“Does she have a name?” the nurse asked.
“She does.”
“You’re not gonna tell me?” She laughed teasingly.
“I want to tell my mom first.”
 The nurse patted my shoulder and wheeled us into the
room. A few minutes later my family piled in, eager to meet
the new addition.
My mom and dad stepped forward, and the tears I’d
been trying to keep in check once again leaked from my
eyes.
“Mom. Dad. I want you to meet my daughter, Carson
Rose.”
 1

E ight years later

“Yo, Ethan you headed to the bar with us
tonight?” Officer Oscar Lorenz, my partner, asked.
“Nope. Got a date.”
“A date?” His eyes widened in shock. “You finally getting
over your ten-year dry spell?”
“It hasn’t been ten years, fucker. And no. I’m taking
Carson out for a movie and dinner.”
“You know, Maria and I would love to watch her if you’d
like to go out. You know, on a date with a woman your own
age.”
He’d been offering for the last three years. I appreciated
the gesture, but I always turned them down I’d much
rather spend time with my daughter than going on a
pointless date. Carson and I were regulars at the Lorenz’s
dinner table. They had kids around Carson’s age, but I
never left her there, even when Maria begged for her to
stay. They had boys, and Maria said she liked having a girl
in the house.
“’Preciate it, man. But I’m good.”
“Ethan, dude, one of these days you’re gonna need to
put yourself out there again.”
“I haven’t been a monk,” I reminded him.
 When Carson was about two, it was my mom who finally
insisted I started giving her “alone time” with her
granddaughter, telling me I needed to spend time away
from her and with people my own age. After months of
being pestered I relented. It didn’t take but a few times
going out with my old friends to be reminded I wasn’t one
of them anymore. I may’ve been eighteen but I had
responsibilities and a daughter. They were all carefree and
were still worried about their cars and chasing ass. I didn’t
have that luxury.
Much to my mother’s dismay I’d quit public school,
opting to finish my junior and senior years home schooled,
and taking online classes. I hadn’t wanted Carson in
daycare. The guilt I’d felt was overwhelming. She’d lost her
mother, and I never wanted her to feel like she didn’t have
me. Everyone said I was crazy, that she was too young to
understand, but I did. I understood.
I finished two years of high school in under eighteen
months and immediately enrolled in online college classes.
I didn’t have time to fuck around, I needed to provide for
Carson and myself. My parents had supported us while I
was in school. My dad had laid down the law and told me
my education and future were what was most important.
I still made time to go out occasionally, mostly when the
stress of single fatherhood weighed heavy. From time to
time, those nights I’d gone out had led me back to a
woman’s bed. However, I made no promises. There would
be no tomorrows, only sex with no strings. I had nothing
more to offer; all my time belonged to my daughter.
“Biannual pussy doesn’t count,” he chuckled. “You’re a
twenty-something virgin.”
“Crude much?” I shook my head. “And to think you kiss
your pretty wife with that mouth.”
“Don’t you worry about Maria. She loves my crude
mouth.” He wagged his brows and continued to gather his
belongings.
 I was almost to the door when he called out. “Get some
rest. Tomorrow’s gonna suck,” he reminded me.
“Congressional detail always does. See you tomorrow.”
I checked my watch and saw I still had plenty of time to
pick up Carson from my parents’ house and grab dinner
before the movie.
I climbed into my Yukon bone tired and prayed I could
make it through tomorrow. Congressman Harris was a
pretentious prick. We’d have to follow him around the city
tomorrow while he put on his dog and pony show for his
supporters. Too bad none of them saw or heard how he
behaved in private. His wife had died a few years ago
giving him the leg up he’d needed to win that year’s
election. He had the grieving widower act down to a “T”
and he’d gotten the sympathy vote easily. His son was a
politician-in-training and an even bigger douche.
Thankfully, they didn’t come into town very often.
I pulled up to the house I’d grown up in and found
Carson in the front yard with my mom, working in the
flower garden. She had on a pair of bright yellow rain boots
with god-awful red ladybugs all over them. Carson turned
to watch me pull into the driveway, her pretty, chestnut
curls bouncing with her movement, and my rough day
melted away.
“Daddy! You’re finally here. I thought you’d never get
here. Gran said I was acting like I had ants in my pants.
That’s gross. I don’t have ants in my undies,” Carson said
before my feet could hit the concrete.
“Hi, sweetheart. I told you I’d be here at five. It’s only
four thirty,” I reminded her.
“I know. But I really, really, really want to see
Incredibles 2. Everyone else has seen it already.”
A familiar guilt hit my gut at Carson’s declaration. Most
of her friends had two parents. Even if they were divorced
there was always one available. She only had me. And even
though my captain tried his best to keep me on days,
knowing I was a single dad, there were months I had night
and weekend shifts. With only three years on the job, I
didn’t have much seniority.
“That’s a lot of reallys. We better get going if you want
to stop at The Freeze to get burgers and milkshakes first.” I
picked Carson up, bringing her face level with mine and
kissed her forehead before I set her back on her feet. “Go
say bye to Gran and change your shoes please.”
She hurried off, disappearing into the house, and I
walked over to my mom.
“Hey, Mom. How was she?”
“Perfect. As always.” She smiled.
“The flowers look great,” I told her, noting the addition
of pink daisies this year.
“Thank you, Ethan. Listen, I was thinking about the
roommate situation—”
“Mom. I know what you’re going to say. I’m a cop. I’ll do
a background check before I let anyone move in. I don’t
want anyone around Carson I can’t trust.”
“But—”
“I got this. I have a huge house for just Carson and me.
If I rent a room out it brings in a little money. Carson’s
been asking about cheer camp on top of dance classes. I
can’t afford both.”
“My God, you’re just like your father.” My mom scowled,
making me smile. It wasn’t the first time she’d complained
that my brother and I were like my dad. “Would you stop
interrupting me and listen for a second? You don’t need to
rent the room. Your dad and I want to pay for Carson’s
classes.”
“No way!”
“Ethan.”
“No!”
“But we’re her grandparents. We’re allowed to spoil her.
It’s our right,” she tried.
 “No way, Mom. Thank you, but no. You spoil her enough.
That was the excuse you gave when you put the pool in the
backyard for her. And the last three times you took us to
Disneyworld on vacation. And all the other countless things
you do for her—and me. I appreciate everything you and
dad have done and still do. But I’m not taking money from
my parents to raise my kid.”
“Told you, he’d never go for it,” my dad said, joining the
conversation.
“I had to try.” My mom looked thoroughly dejected. “I
just want to help.”
“Mama, you help me all the time. You watch Carson
after school until I get off work. You keep her overnight if I
have a shift. And if I get called out in the middle of the
night, you never complain when you wake up and she’s at
the house. There’s nothing more I could possibly ask for.”
“I hate the thought of a stranger being in your house.”
“I do too. But I have two more years until I can take the
detective exam. Until then, we’re gonna have to scrape by.”
We’d had this talk a hundred times.
“We have the money, Ethan. We want to spend it on you,
Carson, and Carter.”
“Mom!”
“Leave it, Lily.” My mom cut her eyes to my dad and his
face softened. “You rolling your pretty eyes at me, woman?”
Oh, hell. I knew where this was headed. Over the years
my parents had never hidden their attraction for each
other.
“Yes.” Her hand went to her hip, and my dad smirked.
He always told us he loved when mom caught an attitude
with him. I thought he was crazy. When my mom was in a
tizzy, there was nothing cute about it.
“It’s a good thing Ethan’s here to pick up our
granddaughter then.”
“Please don’t start,” I begged.
 My dad chuckled and tagged my mom around the waist,
pulling her tightly against his chest. He whispered
something that turned her face red and that was my cue to
leave.
“Carson,” I bellowed.
“Right here, Daddy. Keep your pants on.” Carson trotted
up next to me and, blissfully unaware her grandparents
were randy, she announced, “We’re going to the movies.
Thank you, Gran, for making me cookies.” My mom tried to
hide her smile as Carson inadvertently threw her under the
bus. It didn’t matter how many times I’d asked my mom to
stop giving her cookies every day, especially when she
knew I was taking Carson for milkshakes and junk food, she
never listened. Her reply was always the same—it was her
right as a grandmother.
“Have fun with Daddy.”
“Pop?”
“Right here, Princess,” my dad answered.
“Are we still going fishing this weekend?”
“We sure are. Uncle Jasper is coming, too.”
“Awesome.” She fist-bumped the air. “He doesn’t make
me touch the worms like you do.”
“Come on, Squirt, we’re gonna be late.”
We said our goodbyes, and I helped Carson buckle up
before I headed in the direction of The Freeze.
Carson prattled on about her day with my mom and dad.
I had my best girl next to me, smiling and happy, and all
was right in my world.
 2

T wo hundred and fifty miles wasn’t far but returning

to place that held happy memories gave me hope.
It was a start.
Two hundred and fifty miles smelled a lot like freedom.
I stepped out of the motel room I’d been living in for the
past week and inhaled. Yes, indeed, freedom. I’d picked this
motel because it wasn’t terribly expensive and still in a
nicer part of town, and I didn’t feel like I was going to be
mugged every time I left the safety of the locked door.
It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon, and, with nothing to
do for the next few hours, I decided on a walk. Hitching my
camera strap over my shoulder I double-checked I had my
new pay-as-you-go phone and room key. Getting a new
cellphone plan was on my long list of to-dos, but first things
first—a place to live that wasn’t pay by the night. Hopefully,
that would be taken care of later this afternoon.
There was a cute, little park down the block with the
most beautiful magnolia trees. I’d already taken at least a
hundred images of the blooms, but I couldn’t get enough.
The small pond attracted both mallards and sunbathing
snapping turtles, there was always something to
photograph. My mom used to joke about me never leaving
the house without my camera. She complained I was
experiencing life through the narrow viewfinder instead of
with all my senses. Maybe she’d been right. However, now
that she was gone all I had left of her were the pictures I’d
taken, and I was grateful to have them. Each time I looked
at the images I could draw up a memory to go with what I’d
captured. All of them wonderful until she’d met and
married Franklin. And with Frank came Samuel, his equally
dreadful son.
The pavement gave way to plush, green grass, and I
smiled thinking about how angry Franklin must’ve been at
my defection. The man had a perverted sense of family and
had to know I’d never go along with his plans. It didn’t
matter how many times he’d threatened to kick me out of
his sprawling mansion or take away my allowance, I never
followed his orders. In a way, I was grateful for his
ultimatum, I should’ve moved out of his house long ago. My
mom had been gone for four years, and I’d stayed in that
house of horrors four years too long. I’d been too
devastated at the time to make a change. If I’d had my wits
about me, I would’ve flipped Frank and Sam the bird and
been on my merry way.
A little girl squealed in delight, pulling my attention
away from the cream-colored flower. Beautiful, brown curls
flew behind the girl as her dad pushed her on the swing,
her legs stretching out on the way up and curling back on
the way down. With each push she was gaining altitude.
She threw her head back and laughed.
The sight was too good to pass up. I lifted my camera
and pressed the shutter release, capturing the girl in
midflight. I lowered my camera and saw her dad staring at
me. Even with a scowl on his face he was hot. Maybe he
wasn’t the dad, he looked too young to have a child as old
as the girl on the swing. He stopped the swing, said
something to the girl, and started toward me in a fast and
angry clip.
Shit.
 “Hey,” he called out. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Um . . .”
I was frozen in place. Not only had I not expected him to
yell at me, but the closer he got, the clearer I could see his
face. I’d been wrong. He wasn’t hot. He was smokin’ hot.
Light-sandy-brown hair, greenish eyes, a perfect nose, and
a square, chiseled jaw line. What I wouldn’t have given to
have him in front of my lens. Maybe with his shirt off,
showcasing those bulging muscles under the T-shirt pulled
tight across his broad chest.
“Well?” he barked.
“Well what?”
“Why are you taking pictures of my daughter?”
“Huh?”
I studied his face and thought about how unfair it was
that men aged so much better than woman. There wasn’t a
line on his face. After looking at him for a moment or two, I
realized he had to be close to my age, I glanced over his
shoulder at the little girl, now standing by the swings, she
had to be nine or ten—there was no way.
“Serious as shit. Right now, lady, tell me why you took
my kid’s picture.”
“I’m a photographer.”
“And?” He motioned for me to keep going as if my
explanation wasn’t good enough.
“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’ll delete the picture. I
heard her laughing and when I glanced over, she looked so
happy and carefree I couldn’t help it.”
“Delete it,” he demanded.
What an asshole.
“Okay.”
“Now.”
“You’re kinda a jerk,” I told him. I said I was sorry.
“Don’t you think you’re being a tad over-the-top?”
“A jerk?” He recoiled. “You haven’t seen over-the-top
yet. It’s fucking rude to take pictures of other people’s
children. You could be some sicko for all I know.”
“Never mind, you’re not a jerk, you’re an asshole.” I
pulled my camera body up and scrolled to the image,
flashing the LCD screen in his direction so he could see me
deleting the picture. Before I could pull my camera back,
his large hand covered mine and stilled my movements.
Goose bumps raced down my arms at his touch.
“That’s good,” he said narrowing his eyes.
“That’s because I’m good,” I told him, yanking my
camera free.
I glanced at the screen, saddened to delete such a
perfect moment in time. I hit the trash button on the back
of my camera and the image disappeared. I hated deleting
pictures, even the bad ones. They were moments in time
you’d never get back.
“I hope you take a lot of pictures with her.” I don’t know
why I said that, and when the man looked at me in
bewilderment, I hurried to finish. “I lost my dad when I was
about her age. I have one picture of the two of us together.
Only one. I wish with all my heart I had more. When
memories start to fade, it’s important to have a reminder.
Sorry for troubling you.”
I turned to leave when the man stopped me.
“Listen, you were right. I was being a dick. I’m sorry. I’m
a little crazy when it comes to my daughter. I’m a cop and,
unfortunately, I see danger everywhere. It was a really
great picture.”
“Thanks. Enjoy your day.”
I glanced at the little girl again, wishing I could
remember if my dad had ever pushed me on the swings.
And, if he had, did I laugh and smile like the cute little girl
with wind-tangled curls? I like to think I did. My mom had
told me stories about how much my dad loved me, but I had
no way of knowing if those tales were made up to make a
broken-hearted ten year old feel better.
 Now I was a twenty-something orphan. No parents, no
family. It was me, myself, and I against the world. I started
back to the motel, needing to change before I went to meet
a man about a room for rent. It was the second step on the
road to independence. A place to live that was not a motel.
When I’d left Frank’s house I took only what was mine.
Either what I’d bought with my own money or what I’d had
before my mom had married the prick. It wasn’t a lot, but,
truthfully, I didn’t need much. I’d preferred it when it was
just my mom and me in a small condo. Frank’s mansion was
cold and lonely. Thankfully, I had my car. I was happy that
even when he’d complained the old Honda was a piece of
shit, I’d never given into his desire to buy me a fancy, new
car. My car was mine. Bought by me before Frank came
into the picture. I wanted nothing from him.
I was so lost in my thoughts the short walk to the motel
was a blur. I rushed a shower, dressed, and was in my car
before long.
I grabbed the directions I’d written down and pulled out
of the parking lot. The drive was short, and when I pulled
into a nice neighborhood, I prayed the landlord wasn’t a
creep. I needed to find a place to live and get back to work
before I blew through my savings.
I parked at the curb and got out, straightening my T-
shirt the best I could.
Please. Please. Please. Be normal.
I lifted my hand and knocked. A few seconds later the
door opened.
Well, fuck my life.
This sucked.
 3

S hortly after the woman with the camera had

interrupted us, Carson and I headed home. My head
was pounding, and I was tired. I’d had a week from
hell. Lorenz had been wrong, the congressman’s detail
hadn’t sucked, it fucking blew. He’d had his son with him
on the campaign trail, and with the congressman up for
reelection he was stressed and took it out on everyone
around him. His twit son thought he was Mr. Billy Badass
and barked orders at the officers. Luckily, it only lasted two
days and they’d headed back to the fiery pits of wherever
they’d come from.
“Daddy? Can we go over to Gran’s? I want to go
swimming.” Carson asked as I walked us in the front door.
I hated having to tell her no, but the last thing I wanted
to do was go to my parents’. My mom would complain I
looked tired, and, truthfully, I knew she meant well, but I
didn’t want to hear it. She’d be happy if Carson and I
moved back into their basement where she could continue
to take care of us both.
“No, Squirt. Someone is coming over to look at the room
we’re renting out. But you’re going over tomorrow,
remember?”
“I hope this one’s not creepy like the other ones.”
 I looked down at Carson and smiled at her scrunched-up
face.
“Me, too.”
Shit, maybe my mom was right. Renting one of my extra
rooms out seemed like it was a good answer. But after the
last two guys that’d come over, I wasn’t so sure. And the
only woman that had answered my ad wasn’t much better.
She’d been polite and nice to Carson but when she’d swung
her eyes in my direction, she hadn’t tried to hide that she
liked what she saw. That was never going to happen; she
had trouble written all over her.
“Why were you mad at the lady at the park?”
My gut twisted remembering what a dick I’d been. A bad
week coupled with the always present fear Chrissy would
try and pop back into our lives had me overreacting. It
wasn’t an excuse for my behavior, but when I saw the
woman taking Carson’s picture my imagination went into
overdrive. I hadn’t seen or heard from Chrissy since the
day I’d been wheeled out of the hospital room with Carson
tucked close. She’d done what she’d said she was going to
do and had completely disappeared. But the what ifs
plagued me.
“I wasn’t mad. I was concerned because a stranger was
taking your picture.”
“Why, because it’s not safe?”
“Yes, because it’s not safe,” I repeated.
There was a knock on the door, and I checked my watch.
Right on time.
“Run upstairs and play in your room.”
She was half way up the stairs when she yelled down,
“Can I watch TV in your room?”
“Yes,” I answered.
I opened the door and had to blink a few times before I
understood what I was seeing. What the fuck? The
photographer from the park was standing on my door step.
Her smile faded, and she glanced from side to side before
she looked back to me and cocked her head to side.
Confusion marred her pretty face. My eyes narrowed as I
wondered if she’d followed us home.
“You following me?”
“I must have the wrong address.”
We both spoke at the same time.
Talking over each other again we both asked, “What?”
I gestured for her to go first.
“I said, I must have the wrong address. Sorry to have
bothered you.”
“What address are you looking for?” She rattled off my
address, making me even more concerned she knew where
I lived. “A friend’s house?”
“No.”
“Then why are you looking for that address?”
She placed her hand on her hip, much like my mom did
when she was annoyed with my dad, and looked me over
from top to toe.
“I’m sorry, but that’s none of your business,” she said.
“Come again?”
“You heard me. I’m not telling a stranger why I’m doing
anything. For all I know you’re a crazy person. Sorry to
have bothered you—again. I’ll go check the address.”
I wondered if she was the woman coming to look at the
room. The timing was right.
“What’s your name?”
“Hello. Did you miss the part about you being a stranger
and me not telling you anything?”
Something strange ticked inside of me. My dad would
call it instinct, my mom would call it an aha moment.
Whichever you called it, I suddenly understood what my
father had been saying all these years. There was
something sexy as fuck about this woman throwing me
attitude. The cop in me was kind of proud she wasn’t
divulging any personal information. But the impulsive man
in me wanted to yank her close and kiss the sass right off
her tongue.
“Honor?” I asked.
She rocked back on her feet, and her green eyes
sparked to life.
“How do you know my name?”
“A wild guess,” I teased.
“Right. Because Honor is the first thing that pops into
most people heads when they try and guess a name. Now if
you’d said Mary or Donna or something as equally common,
I might believe it was a wild guess.”
“I bet you’re looking for a room to rent.”
It was fascinating what her face gave away. She wore
her emotions boldly.
“Ethan?”
“That’s me,” I confirmed. “Would you like to come in and
look around?”
I held the door open and stepped aside. She stood there,
worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, then suddenly
nodded as if she were having some sort of internal
discussion.
“I’d like that,” she mumbled and crossed the threshold,
taking in the large, open downstairs.
The house was too much for Carson and me, but it had
been a foreclosure, and my dad and uncles had helped me
fix it up.
“This is nice.”
“Thanks. Around here is the kitchen.” I led her farther
into the room and around the corner into the breakfast
nook.
“Now, this is amazing.”
The kitchen was a housewarming present from my
family; all of them, my aunts and uncles had pitched in too.
My Aunt Emily had insisted the kitchen was the soul of a
home and it should be the best room in the house. They’d
gone all out with top-of-the-line appliances. Too bad I was a
shitty cook.
“Through there is the laundry room and garage.”
I turned and walked to the other side of the house and
opened the door to the downstairs bed room.
“This is the room. It is a modified mother-in-law-suite. It
has a private entrance going to the side yard and a private
bathroom. You’ll have to share the kitchen and laundry.”
“May I?” She asked motioning to the door.
“Yeah. Take your time. I’ll be out here.”
She walked into the room, and I went back to the
kitchen. For some reason I hoped she liked it and wanted to
move in. I kept telling myself it was because I was too tired
to keep showing the room and if I wanted Carson to have
both cheer camp and dance, I needed the money. But that
wasn’t the entire truth. I could scrape by and give my
daughter what she wanted without renting the room, and
as lazy as I was, I’d wait until I found the right renter.
There was just something about Honor that made me want
her to move in. Which was crazy because the first time
we’d exchanged words I was a dick to her, and this time
she’d been in my house just a little over ten minutes.
“Um. The ad said four hundred a month, utilities
included. Is that right?” she asked once again looking
around the house.
“Yep.”
“What’s the catch?”
“The catch?” I questioned, not understanding where she
was going.
“Four hundred a month for this house is a steal. Do you
have other roommates? Throw wild sex parties. Drink too
much?”
“No, no, and no. It’s just Carson and me.”
“Carson?”
“My daughter.” I could see she had questions and before
she could ask I continued. “There are a few rules. No
boyfriends spend the night without me meeting and
approving of them first. Always set the alarm when you
leave. And clean up the kitchen after you use it.”
“Boyfriends?” she huffed.
“Or girlfriends. Whatever floats your boat. My daughter
lives here. All I ask is that you respect that and understand
her safety is all that’s important to me.”
That was true, but I’d made up the boyfriend part on the
fly. Partly to see if she had a boyfriend and because the
thought of seeing Honor with a man made my fists clench.
“I work from home. Is that going to be a problem for
you?”
“You’re a photographer, right?”
“Yeah. I sell fine art still images. But I’m also a graphic
artist.”
“Daddy?” Carson called from the top of the stairs.
“Yeah, Squirt?”
“Can I come down and get a drink?”
“Sure.”
Carson came bouncing down the stairs but stopped
short when she saw Honor standing in the living room. She
looked between the two of us then her gaze settled on me.
“It’s okay. Come meet Honor.”
Carson’s nose scrunched. “That’s a funny name.”
“Carson Rose. That’s not polite.” I scolded.
“Sorry,” she mumbled.
“It is funny, isn’t it? My momma named me Honor
because my dad was in the Army. He was actually on
deployment when I was born and didn’t get to meet me
until I was six months old,” Honor explained.
“My pop was in the Army,” Carson beamed.
“That’s cool.”
“Yeah. He’s retired. Now he just takes me fishing and
plays football with me and helps me with my back-walk-
overs.”
“He sounds like a great pop. You’re pretty lucky.”
 “I am. My pop says I’m the luckiest girl in the world
because I have so many people who love me. But who
couldn’t help but love me?” Carson cocked her head to the
side and batted her eyelashes. “Did it work? Gran says I
need to work on it some more. But soon I’ll be good enough
Daddy won’t be able to tell me no.”
“Is that so?” I chuckled. “Gran’s teaching you bad
habits.”
“She’s allowed. She says it’s her right.”
Honor laughed at Carson’s antics, then a sadness settled
over her features.
“Thought you wanted something to drink?” I reminded
Carson, wanting to change the subject.
“Oh, right.” She skipped to the kitchen before turning to
Honor. “Are you going to rent the room?”
“I’m talking to your dad about it. Would that be all right
with you?”
I may’ve swayed on my feet with the effort of picking my
jaw off the floor. I couldn’t believe Honor would think to ask
Carson her opinion.
“You seem nice. But Daddy says—”
“Carson!” I stopped her before she could say something
that offended Honor.
“Will you teach me how to take pictures?”
“Of course I will.” Honor beamed. “I mean if your dad
and I talk, and I rent the room.”
“Cool.”
“I take it you like the room?” I asked.
“I do. It’s perfect. So much better than the motel I’m
staying in.”
Honor was laughing. I, however, was not. Different
scenarios ran through my head about what could happen to
a single woman living in a motel—all of them bad.
“Why are you living in a motel?”
She tugged at the hem of her shirt and diverted her
eyes, the hair on the back of my neck prickled, and I knew
she was getting ready to lie to me. Was she in some sort of
trouble? And if she was, did I want to help?
“I moved here from Atlanta and didn’t have a place lined
up. I’m staying at the motel while I look around.”
Hmm. A partial truth, but she’d omitted why she’d left
Atlanta. My instincts were screaming at me that she was
hiding something.
“What motel?”
She was quiet for a moment while she contemplated my
question. Surely, she wasn’t going to tell me I was a
stranger again and not tell me.
“West End.”
“The fuck?”
“What?” She looked around the room unaware it was
her answer that had garnered the curse.
“That place is dangerous, Honor. I get called there at
least once a week for a domestic disturbance.”
“Yeah. It can get loud. But I don’t leave my room after
dark, so I don’t mind.”
Hell. To. The. No. Honor was not staying at the motel
one more night. Fuck the background check, her ass would
be in this house by nightfall. I checked my watch, seeing it
was midafternoon. Depending on how many trips we
needed to make, we could get her moved in before dark.
“Squirt?”
“Yeah, Daddy?”
“Call Gran and ask her if you can go over and play for a
few hours.”
“She says, yes.”
“You didn’t call.”.
“I don’t need to. I know her answer. Gran says I’m
welcome anytime, day or night and all the time between.”
“Go get your bathing suit and towel. I’ll call Gran.”
Carson ran upstairs, and Honor stood starring at me
confused by the abrupt change of subject.
I pulled my phone out and dialed my parents’ number.
 “Hello?” my dad answered.
“Busy?”
“Just got unbusy, whatcha got?”
I made a gagging sound, understanding full well what
my father was implying.
“Something's come up. Would you mind, since you’re
unbusy now, if I dropped Carson off for a few hours?”
“You never have to ask,” he replied.
“Yes, I do. You and mom are busy more than any two
people I know. I’m still trying to recover from the time
when I was thirteen and walked into the house and saw
something no child ever wants to see. I’m avoiding the
years of therapy for my daughter by calling first.”
“You have a point, son. If you had a woman as—”
“Dad!” I cut him off.
He chuckled before he asked, “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I need to help the woman who rented the room
move her shit from the motel she’s staying in.”
“Which motel? You need backup?”
And just like that, with no questions asked, my dad had
my back. Just like when I was sixteen, and every day before
and after that. He was there, pushing me forward, carrying
the load when I thought I couldn’t, and walking beside me
as my best friend.
If I turned out to be half the man, half the father, he is,
I’ll have walked this life a good man.
 4

W hat was happening? Why was Ethan making

plans for Carson to go to his parents’ house and
for him to move my stuff?
Ethan was smiling when he hung up and put his phone
back in his pocket.
“You good with the rent?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I drew out the word still unsure what was going
on.
“Great. There’s only a week left in this month. Call it a
move in special, first month’s rent due on the first.”
“What’s happening, Ethan?”
“We’re going to grab your stuff,” he told me as if we’d
already agreed I’d move in.
“And why are we doing that? I can manage on my own. I
only have a few suitcases.”
“Great, then we only need to take the Tahoe and make
one trip. Wait, what about a bed and furniture? Do you have
a storage unit or something?”
My face burned with embarrassment. I didn’t want to
admit I’d left my stepfather’s house with just my clothes,
camera gear, laptop, and what I’d salvaged of my mother’s
before Frank had banished all memories of her from his
house.
 “I’m going to buy new stuff.” That was the truth, but the
fact I was neglecting to tell him the rest didn’t sit well. It
shouldn’t have mattered, he was no one to me, however I
was overcome by an unsettling feeling, reminding me I was
returning his kindness with lies. But I’d rather die a
thousand deaths than tell Ethan the real reason for
abandoning my old life: the disgusting plan Frank had
come up with. No, that was a secret I’d rather keep to
myself.
“I have a bed in the garage you can have,” he offered.
“That’s nice, but, no, thank you.” His suggestion felt a
lot like charity, something I didn’t want. I moved away from
Atlanta to learn to be on my own. A new start, a new life. I
didn’t ever want to depend on anyone again. I had to stand
on my own two feet.
“Really, my Aunt Regan gave it to me when they
remodeled one of their rooms. It was a guest bed, I don’t
think anyone’s ever slept on it, and it’s sitting in the garage
collecting dust.”
“I said, no, thank you. I’ll buy something.”
His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t argue.
“Ready, Daddy. Are we leaving now?” Carson came down
the stairs, interrupting our conversation.
“We sure are.” Ethan looked at me with a raised
eyebrow, almost daring me to argue with him in front of
Carson. The thought crossed my mind to put my foot down
and tell him to butt out, but then Carson turned to me and
flashed the cutest little girl smile I’d ever seen, and the
irritation melted away. Her grandmother was right, she did
have the sly, give-me-what-I-want look down pat. She was
going to give Ethan a run for his money when she was a
teenager. And on that glorious thought of cosmic payback I
relented to let Ethan help me move my stuff.
On the short drive to Ethan’s parents’ house Carson told
me all about the “awesome pool” her grandparents had put
in a few years ago. Now all her cousins, even though they
are much older than her and are really Ethan’s cousins, her
second cousins, liked to come over and swim too. She gave
me a very thorough run down of the family tree. There
were so many of them, I couldn’t remember all the names
except Ethan’s older brother, Carter. Carson declared he
was the best uncle of the bunch. He was in the Navy and
lived in Virginia. Whenever he came home, he told her all
about the places he’d been and always brought back
foreign currency for her—she had quite the collection.
Nowhere in the conversation had she mentioned her
mother. Not even in the abstract or in the past tense. It was
simply as if the woman who’d given birth to her never
existed. I was sad for her, but the interesting part was, she
didn’t seem upset or bothered by it. There were so many
people around her who loved her she wasn’t missing
anything. That was something I’d never had. After my dad
died, it was just me and my mom for a long time. She had
been all I’d needed, but listening to Carson tell me stories I
realized there’s a big difference between need and want.
I’d always wanted aunts and uncles and cousins—a family.
Ethan pulled into his parents’ driveway, and a tall,
imposing, very good-looking man stood on the porch
waiting for our arrival. It was easy to see he was Ethan’s
dad. Ethan was a carbon copy, minus the graying hair. Talk
about good genes. Some woman was going to get very
lucky when she scooped up Ethan and Carson.
Unwarranted jealousy bloomed in my chest at the thought
of Ethan with a woman.
Shit. Maybe he had a woman in his life. It wasn’t out of
the realm of possibility. He was out of this world hot. He
had a nice house, a good job, the sweetest little Squirt I’d
ever met. A woman would have to be a flat-out idiot to turn
him down. First impressions notwithstanding, he seemed
like a nice guy. A little bossy but—
“Wanna come in and see the pool?” Carson cut through
my thoughts.
 “Another time. We need to start moving Honor’s stuff,”
Ethan, thankfully, made an excuse for me.
Shit on a shingle, Ethan’s dad was making his way to the
truck.
“Sorry about this,” Ethan mumbled and exited the truck,
rounding the hood and coming to my side. Carson had
already unbuckled and was waiting for her dad to open the
back door for her when, much to my dismay, he opened
mine first.
Well, hells bells, it looked like I was meeting his dad.
I tried not to fidget as Ethan made the introduction at
the same time he let Carson out of the truck. She yelled
hello to her grandfather and ran into the house.
“Dad, this Honor Sullivan. Honor, this is my father,
Carter Lenox.”
“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Lenox.”
“Just, Lenox.”
“I’m sorry?”
“No Mister. Just Lenox,” he explained.
He had a funny look on his face as he studied me. His
stare was intense, and I was afraid he could read my
innermost thoughts.
“Are you Buck Sully’s daughter?” Lenox asked.
My body jolted, and Ethan’s hands came to my shoulders
to steady me. “Whoa.”
“I am,” I recovered.
“Anyone ever tell you you look just like him? But you
have your mom’s pretty, green eyes.”
“No one has ever told me that,” I choked out. “You knew
my dad?”
My mom had been so heartbroken after my dad died
she’d rarely spoken about him. I’d heard her in her room at
night, crying herself to sleep. In the morning I’d sneak in
and find the old letters my dad had written to her spread
out over her bed. It was her private time with my dad, and I
never intruded or asked about the letters. After she died, I
tried to find them, the last of my father, but they were
gone.
“Not well. We had a few deployments together. He
talked about you and your mom all the time, and there
were pictures of the two of you above his cot. He was a
good man, I was sorry to hear about his passing. Did you
know he was stationed here?”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I did. I don’t remember it
well, but my mom loved the area.”
I was grateful Ethan hadn’t removed his hands, they
were the only thing anchoring me in place.
“Your name is fitting. Honor. He served with great honor
and sacrifice.”
Ethan must’ve felt my body start to shake because he
finally spoke up.
“We’ll be back to pick up Carson in a bit. It shouldn’t
take long to move Honor’s stuff.”
“Take your time,” Lenox said, our eyes still locked, and I
prayed he wasn’t as observant as he looked. I didn’t want
him to see the hurt and sadness I tried to hide. “It was nice
meeting you, Honor. I hope Ethan will bring you back when
you can stay and visit.”
Lenox finally looked over my head to Ethan and smiled
at his son. Damn. I missed my mom smiling at me like that.
With a nod he turned and walked back into the house.
Ethan helped me back into the truck and, without
needing directions, headed to the motel.
“I’m sorry if my dad upset you.”
“He didn’t. I was just shocked.”
“What happened to your dad?”
I took a few cleansing breaths before I could speak. It
had been a long time since I’d been allowed to talk about
my father. His very name had been off-limits in Frank’s
house. He’d made sure all memories of my mother’s first
husband had been wiped clean.
 “He died on deployment in Kosovo. RPG took out the
convoy. I was ten.”
“Fuck, Honor, I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“Doesn’t matter how long ago it was.” We’d been silent
for a while when he asked his next question. “Where’s your
mom?”
That question was a direct hit to my heart. Talking about
a father I barely knew was one thing, but my mom was
different.
“She’s gone.”
He pulled into the parking lot of the motel, and I
muttered my room number. He found a spot and rolled to a
stop. Cutting the engine, he turned in his seat, his gaze
assessing and full of something I hoped wasn’t pity.
“She died four years ago in a car accident,” I told him.
It almost felt good to say it out loud. Frank hadn’t talked
about my mom after her death. He said it was because it
was too painful, he’d lost the true love of his life. He didn’t
mean those words, they were just for show; the grieving
widower act made for great headlines. He had whores
sneaking in the staff entrance before my mother’s body was
cold.
“Jesus, Honor. I can’t imagine.”
There was nothing to say to that, so I didn’t speak. I got
out of the truck and made my way to the room, trying to
remember if I’d cleaned up before I’d left this afternoon. I
didn’t want my new landlord to think I was a slob and
change his mind. I opened the door and looked around the
small space. My belongings were neatly stacked against the
wall.
“Is that it?” Ethan questioned, scanning the area for
more.
“That’s it. I have to grab a few things from the shower.”
I told him and went to gather my toiletries, leaving him
alone by the door.
 When I came back out Ethan was gone as well as some
of the boxes. I was sorry I’d missed him picking up the
heavy load. I’d wanted to watch his biceps flex like they
had when he’d picked up Carson to help her into the truck.
It was probably a little inappropriate for me to have
drooled over the sexy way his muscles bulged, but I
couldn’t help it. He was a far cry from Sam and his soft,
country club friends he’d brought around the house. It was
laughable how they used to parade shirtless around the
pool, their skinny bodies doing nothing for me, even as a
teenager. Sam used to watch my reaction when his friends
were over, and if I looked a little too long at one of them, he
accused me of being a slut and wanting to fuck his friends.
It was done under the pretense of him being a caring big
brother. But as I got older, I saw it for what it was—him
being an obsessive, disgusting asshole.
“One more trip and we’ll be done if you can grab your
suit cases,” Ethan said appearing in the doorway.
“You can’t carry those three boxes in one trip. I’ll help
you.”
The sexy smirk that crossed his face was panty-melting
or panty-dropping or let-me-take-my-panties-off-myself-and-
throw-them-at-you hot. Shit on a shingle he was dangerous.
“Watch me.”
Oh, no, I didn’t want to watch anything. I had a few
minutes before, but now that he’d smiled at me, and my
undies had dampened, I no longer wanted to look.
He was my landlord—off-limits.
“Honor?”
“Yeah?”
“You ready?”
“Oh, um . . . sure.”
Ethan’s body shook as he silently chuckled before giving
way to a deep, rich laugh that sent chills racing over my
body. Damn, he was even better looking when he laughed.
Off-limits.
 5

“Y ou finally found someone,” Lorenz said,

coughing.
“Man, are you sure you’re ready to come
back to work? You still sound like shit.”
“Used up all my sick days last week. Besides, I feel fine.”
The lung he’d almost hacked up proved his statement a lie.
He looked like shit, sounded like it too.
“Yeah. I found a roommate. Moved in last week.”
Talking about my sexy roommate had my body
thrumming with lust. There was something about her that
drove me crazy. The week had been smooth, she was doing
her own thing, and Carson and I had our own schedule. Our
interactions had been pleasant and friendly. There was
nothing she’d done specifically to put my body on edge, it
was simply the way she moved, the way she smiled at
Carson, and her great laugh, which she shared often. There
was no doubt Honor was beautiful, but it was more than
that, she was sugar-sweet to her core with a side helping of
wit. As the days passed, I could tell she was getting more
comfortable around me, then last night, there was a hint of
flirtation in her tone. Nothing overt, but it was definitely
there. My heart rate had ticked up, and my cock had
stirred. I knew it was a bad idea to allow myself to fantasize
about my roommate, however, it hadn’t stopped me from
taking care of business in the shower with memories of the
sexy sway of her hips or her flirty comebacks.
Normally, I hated having to work weekends. It meant
getting up early and taking Carson to Mom and Dad’s,
disrupting their day. Even if they said I wasn’t, I still felt
that way. But this morning I was fucking thrilled to be up
early. I came out to get a cup of coffee before I got dressed
and caught Honor in the kitchen in a pair of tight as all hell
work out shorts and a sports bra, sweaty from a run. I
nearly swallowed my tongue as I took in her curves and
tight ass. I had never been so thankful for the thick
material of my sweatpants. I had to tuck my hardening dick
into the waistband to prevent a tent she’d never forget.
She’d apologized profusely about her scantily clad attire
and explained she didn’t know I’d be up so early on a
Saturday. I didn’t bother explaining why I was up so early, I
was enjoying her stuttering and discomfort far too much.
Try as she might, her eyes kept dropping to my bare chest.
I should’ve apologized as well. I was less dressed than she
was, but I didn’t. And when I told her not to change her
clothes on my account, her cheeks turned a delicious shade
of pink, the color extending down to her very impressive
cleavage. I was skirting the line of what was deemed
socially acceptable, but I couldn’t give the first fuck.
Honor was the first woman since Carson was born I’d let
my guard down with. A woman had never stepped foot in
my home. Granted, she was renting a room, but it felt like
more. I couldn’t explain it and I didn’t want to. For once, I
just wanted to feel, not analyze it to death.
“And he checks out? Good people, you’re comfortable
with him being around Carson?”
I loved that Lorenz cared about Carson. He and Maria
were good friends, honorary aunt and uncle.
“She.”
“She?”
 “A woman rented the room. Honor Sullivan.”
“Is she hot?”
I should’ve told him to shove off, that it didn’t matter
what she looked like, she was just renting a room, not
entering a beauty contest. But I didn’t.
“She’s all right,” I lied.
There was nothing all right about Honor. She was a
fucking knockout.
“I guess all that matters is she pays her rent on time and
she’s nice to Carson. Maybe she’ll even babysit so you can
finally get laid.”
Lorenz’s off the cuff comment had vivid images of Honor
sprawled on my bed popping into my mind. Jesus Christ,
the woman was sensational, but I shouldn’t have been
thinking about what she’d look like naked, and the sounds
she’d make as I moved above her, and I really shouldn’t
have been imagining what she’d look like taking my dick in
her mouth. But I had, and I was.
“One-Palmer-One, this is dispatch.” The radio in the
patrol car came to life.
“One-Palmer-One,” I responded.
“One-Palmer-One, Two-Delta-Five requesting backup at
307 Main Street. Burglary in progress.”
“One-Palmer-One, copy. Any further code response?”
“ASAP. One-Palmer-One.”
“Copy that. One-Palmer-One en route.”
Lorenz flipped on the lights and sirens and headed in the
direction of the burglary.
“Think it’s another convenience store?” he asked taking
a right corner so fast I had to grab the oh shit bar to keep
myself upright. “This would be number five in the last
seven days.”
With the drug problem being what it was in the area,
increased armed robberies were on the rise. The crime rate
had spiked over the last few months, leaving our chief’s ass
on the line, as if he could control the criminal behavior in
the area. The department was short-staffed, hence most of
us were pulling doubles and weekend duty. My once
monthly on-call schedule had recently changed to once
weekly. I didn’t mind the overtime, but the burnout rate in
the department was increasing. I didn’t want to be next.
“One-Palmer-One. Be warned, shots fired. Repeat, shots
fired.”
“One-Palmer-One, copy,” I answered.
“Dispatch requesting additional units to the scene, 307
Main. Call in,” Sammy the dispatch operator came back
over the air.
“Fuck,” Lorenz barked.
Red and blue flashing lights greeted us as we pulled up
to the scene. Two cars—four officers, none of them in sight.
We exited the car, and before pulling my Smith &
Wesson .45 acp from my holster I rapped my fist against my
bulletproof vest, a habit pressed upon me by my dad and
uncles—verify your equipment. I double checked every
time, without fail. In a smooth draw I had my weapon in
hand. Pulling the radio from my shoulder, I called in our
location.
“Two-Delta-Five. Coming in west side—” My
transmission was interrupted by two loud bangs.
“Christ,” Lorenz cursed.
“One-Palmer-One, two shots fired. Entering west side.”
I clipped my radio back and waited for Lorenz to open
the door. It was an ass pucker factor one-hundred when
entering a building with no visual of what’s waiting inside. I
nodded, and he pushed it open. I went right, he went left.
We had breaching a room down to as much of a science as
one could when there were thousands of variables you
couldn’t account for.
“Clear,” we both called out and continued through the
stockroom.
The door to the hall was open, guns at the ready, we
made our move.
 “He’s hit,” an officer yelled.
I fumbled with my radio to call dispatch. “Officer down.
Need a bus. ASAP.”
“Suspect fled on foot. Jenkins and Tebbetts followed,”
Patterson told us, leaning over his downed partner,
applying pressure to a leg wound. “Stay with me, Mike.
Don’t close your eyes.”
“Fucking burns,” Mike complained. The growing pool
around his thigh was not a good sign.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Patterson yelled. “Where’s that
ambulance?”
And as if he’d called it up with his outburst, a wailing
siren sounded as the ambulance pulled up out front. Lorenz
jogged to the front of the store and I stood guard over the
two officers.
My head reeled at seeing a fellow officer injured. I knew
my job was dangerous; every day when I strapped on my
vest and sidearm I was reminded of just how much. But
seeing one of the good guys lying on the ground, bleeding,
was a sock to the face. A gut check, reminding me that at
any time I could be the one injured or killed in the line of
duty. And where would that leave Carson? I was the only
parent she had.
The EMT pushed his way in and Patterson stood, his
partner’s blood dripping from his hands. I looked around
and found an open box of cleaning rags beside the
stockroom door. I grabbed a few and tossed them at
Patterson.
No words were exchanged—none were needed, all his
concentration still on his partner. Mike was quickly loaded
onto a gurney, Patterson following out the front door,
leaving me and Lorenz alone to stare at a puddle of thick,
red gore on the floor.
“Let’s get to work.” He slapped my shoulder, pulling my
eyes from the horror.
“Yeah.”
 We spent the next two hours processing the scene and
three more at the station doing paperwork. By the time
four o’clock rolled around, and my shift was over, I was
fucking done. I wanted nothing more than to pick up
Carson, grab a pizza, go home, and sit out on the deck in
silence.
Talk about a clusterfuck of a Saturday.
On my way to my parents’ house I called the captain to
check on Mike. He was out of surgery. Luckily, the doctor
was able to repair the damage before he’d bled to death,
and he’d make a full recovery. Thank the good Lord.

“D ADDY !” Carson came running toward me at full speed as

soon as I walked into my parents’ house.
“Hey, little Squirt.” I picked her up and spun in a circle
before hugging her close.
“Ouch, Daddy. Your stuff is poking me,” she complained.
My stuff being my vest and utility belt I still hadn’t taken
off.
“Sorry, baby. You ready to head home? I’m tired today.”
“All ready. Gran packed up some of the cookies we made
so Honor can try them.”
Fuck. Honor.
How could I have forgotten about her? A burglary, an
officer shot, and after-action reports from hell was how I’d
forgotten about my sexy, new roommate.
“That was nice of you and Gran. I’m sure she’ll like
them. Go grab them.”
Carson ran to the kitchen where I knew my mom was
because there was loud clanking coming from that
direction.
“What’s Mom doing?”
 “Cleaning out the cabinets.” My dad rolled his eyes.
There was no need to clean anything in my mom’s kitchen.
It was spotless. “What’s wrong?”
Leave it to my dad to pick up on my demeanor.
“Officer was shot today. Mike Collins. He’s recovering.”
“The suspect?”
“At large. Fled on foot. Two officers gave chase, but they
lost him.”
“Another liquor store?”
“Yep.”
“What is that five or six?” he asked.
“Five,” I confirmed.
“Fuck. When’s your next shift?”
“Monday.” I hated how worried my dad look and I was
quick to add, “I’m always safe.”
My father’s green eyes, the same color as mine, pinned
me in place. My reminder did nothing to ease the worry
etched into his face. He had the same apprehensive look
when my brother was home. He’d always told us from a
young age he’d support any career choice we made, from
being a garbage man to any branch of the military. What he
never wanted was for either of us to feel obligated to join
the Army like he had. He’d always said he’d answered the
call enough for both of us, but it would be our choice.
Carter had set his sights on the Naval Academy and
accomplished just that. After he was commissioned, he
answered another challenge and left for San Diego to go to
BUD/s. Six months later he’d graduated and was pinned
with a shiny, gold Trident. My brother was one tough son of
a bitch.
When I’d left school to raise Carson, I’d also left behind
ROTC and my plans to join the Army. Even though the
military was no longer an option, I still had the deep-seated
need to serve my community, so I became a cop. Now I
wondered if my desire to follow my dreams was selfish.
 “What was that thought, boy?” My dad’s tone caught me
off guard. “You’re my son. I’m allowed to worry about you.
But don’t you think for one second, I’m not proud as fuck
you became a cop. Do not question your decision.”
“You got all that from one look?”
“No. From twenty-four years of looks. There are a few
things in life I’m good at. One is knowing my sons and what
they’re thinking before they do. The other, and maybe more
important, is I know my wife and how to—”
“La la la. Do not finish that sentence.” I looked around
not seeing my daughter. “Carson. Come on.”
“In a hurry?
“Yeah. I have a headache from hell and I’m hungry.”
“I bet you are,” he muttered.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I made the mistake of
asking. The thing about Carter Lenox was, he didn’t pull
punches. He was a straight-shooter, even with his sons.
“It means, after all these years, there’s a pretty woman
in your house.”
“And?”
“Son, if I have to spell it out for you then it has been
longer for you than I feared.”
“She’s renting a room. Period. And she’s met Carson, so
that’s a double strike. She’s a no-go.”
“Since when did you start lying to your old man? And did
you miss the part about me knowing what you’re thinking
before you do?”
I sighed and resigned myself to an uncomfortable
conversation with my dad. I don’t think we’d discussed my
sex life since I was sixteen and told them a condom had
broken and Chrissy was pregnant. I was happy with that;
not discussing sex with my dad was a good thing.
“Fine, she’s pretty. And the thought has crossed my
mind.” My dad chuckled, and I added, “A lot. I’ve thought
about it a lot, but it doesn’t change anything. I have to keep
my distance. Carson—”
 “Carson is and always will be fine. Stop using her as a
shield and an excuse to stop living.”
I was floored at my dad’s accusation. “I don’t use my
daughter.”
“Sure you do. How many women have you dated since
she was born?”
“None. I was busy being a teenage dad and then a single
dad with a career,” I spat out.
“Right. How many women have you slept with?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” He gestured
for me to answer, pissing me off even more. “I don’t know. I
haven’t kept track. A few.”
“Any of those women interest you for more than a roll?”
“No.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Christ. Where was he going with this? If I’d thought I
had a headache when I’d, arrived I now had an elephant
sitting on my skull.
“No clue. Maybe I just wanted to blow off some steam
and get laid. Your point?”
“No point. An observation. Wake up, the years are
passing you by. Do you want to continue having
meaningless fucks twice a year or do you want to be
happy?”
“I am happy.” What the fuck?
“No, you’re content. You love Carson beyond measure.
You’re an excellent dad. You have a good family. But you’ve
never known bone-deep, soul-consuming love. I know that
to be a fact. Because, son, when you find that, you don’t let
it go. You hold on to it, you fight for it, you nurture it, and
you wrap yourself up in it until there’s no beginning or end
to it. Then you’ll be happy.”
“Not everyone has what you and Mom have,” I reminded
him.
“No. Not everyone does. But one day you will, if you stop
hiding behind the shield of parenthood.”
 “You ready, Daddy?” Carson came into the room with a
big Tupperware container.
“Are those all cookies?”
“Yep. Gran taught me how to make oatmeal raisin
today.” She stopped and looked around, lowering her voice
she whispered, “They’re gross, but don’t tell Gran. I think
they’re adult cookies because no kid likes raisins for a
treat.”
“I heard that, Carson,” My mom called out. “Hey, Ethan.
Good shift?”
“Yeah, Mom. Thanks for—”
“Don’t you say it. I’m knee deep rearranging the
cupboards. Hugs.” She blew me a kiss and went back to
work.
“Come on, Squirt. Time to go home.” I turned to my dad.
“Thanks.”
“Any time.”
He knew why I was thanking him, I didn’t need to
explain anything to him. As he’d said, he knew what I was
thinking before I did.
The drive home was spent thinking about Honor and if
what my dad had said was possible. Maybe Honor would be
nothing more than a friend, but was there someone out
there for me? Could I have what my parents had? I
seriously doubted it. My mom and dad had a rare
connection. One always knew what the other needed or
wanted. My dad was one lucky man, my mother was one in
a million.
Carson and I walked into the house, and I was
immediately assaulted by the smell of garlic. My stomach
growled, reminding me I’d been so lost in my thoughts I
hadn’t stopped to pick up a pizza for dinner.
“Hey, you guys are home.” Honor said walking out of the
kitchen. Jean shorts showcased her tanned, toned legs, and
the tank top she wore clung to her ample breasts. Damn,
she looked like heaven. “How was your day?”
 “Good,” I answered, and she frowned, not believing me.
When had I become so transparent?
“Right. So, I didn’t know what time you guys would be
home for dinner, but I’m cooking. You haven’t eaten, right?”
I shook my head, and she continued.
“Awesome. I made spaghetti sauce. An old family recipe.
It’s been simmering all day, but I thought I’d wait and make
the meatballs and see if Carson wanted to help.”
“You made dinner?” I stupidly asked.
“Is that all right? I thought maybe I’d save you the
trouble since you worked all day. But . . .”
I looked down at my daughter, who, for once in her life,
was speechless.
“Would you like to help Honor make meatballs?” Carson
nodded, still staring wide-eyed at Honor. “Go wash your
hands.”
Carson took off, and I stalked toward Honor, stopping
shy of knocking her over. I tagged her around the waist and
pulled her into me, hugging her tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “You have no idea how much I
needed this today.”
I kissed the top of her head, and she started to wiggle in
my arms.
“Ethan your stuff is poking me.” I found it amusing she’d
said the same thing Carson had said when I hugged her. I
loosened my embrace, and her arms finally wrapped
around my middle.
“Sorry you had a shit day. You can talk to me about it, or
not, I’m here either way.”
“Ready!” Carson bounced into the kitchen. The thought
momentarily crossed my mind that Carson had never seen
me touch or hug a woman. My first instinct was to pull
away, but Honor felt right in my arms. A very close second
to the happiness that thudded in my chest when Carson
hugged me.
 “Awesome.” Honor pulled back. “Ethan why don’t you go
do what it is you do and let Carson and me take over the
kitchen?”
I let go of Honor and watched her take Carson’s hand,
explaining how they were going to mix the ingredients with
their hands. I took off to my room to change out of my
uniform and thought about what Honor had said, go do
what it is you do, and it hit me, I didn’t know what it was I
did. I hadn’t been Ethan in a long time. I was Carson’s dad.
I was Officer Lenox. But who was Ethan and what did he
want?
The answer came quickly and with astounding clarity.
I wanted what I’d just had. Honor waiting for me when I
got home from work. A pretty smile on her face. My two
best girls in the kitchen mashing ingredients together with
their hands.
Flat-out—I wanted Honor.
 6

S hit on a shingle. Ethan and Carson had come

through the door, my heart had raced, and my
mouth had gone dry. This morning, when we’d met
at the coffee maker, his eyes had roamed my body with an
appreciation I swore I could physically feel. And if he’d
thought I couldn’t see his morning wood—he was mistaken.
The thick outline was easy to see through the material of
his sweats. Which begged the question, could he see my
puckered nipples through the spandex of my sports bra? I
was so embarrassed I’d holed up in my room until they’d
left, reeling from our exchange in the kitchen. Which was a
shame because it meant I’d missed seeing him in his
uniform. Wowza. Ethan looked hot in the jean and a T-shirt
or bare chested with a hard-on, but in his uniform, he was
super-duper hot. I never knew I had a thing for men in
uniforms but, apparently, I did. Or maybe it was just Ethan,
who could wear a paper bag and still be sexy.
The past week had been great. I’d spent time getting to
know the area and scoping out new places to take pictures,
I filled a few orders for a gallery that was showing my
work, and I was slowly getting to know Ethan and Carson.
Ethan was easy to talk to, and funny. His banter with
Carson melted my heart, it was plain to see how much he
adored his daughter. There still had been no mention of her
mom, nor were there any reminders of the woman in the
house. I was curious, but I didn’t dare ask. I knew Ethan
had caught me more than a few times openly starring at
him. He probably thought I was some sort of stalker, but
last night after Carson had gone to bed our conversation
had turned a little flirty. So maybe he didn’t. And then there
was that hug when he got home tonight.
“Honor?”
“Right, here, darlin’.”
“Me and Gran made you cookies today.”
“You did? That was nice of you.”
“Yeah. Don’t worry if you don’t like the ones with raisins
in them. They’re gross.”
“I love raisins.”
“You do?” Her eyes widened and she stopped mixing the
raw meat and egg concoction.
“I do. You keep mixing. I’ll pour in the bread crumbs.”
Her little hands got back to work, reminding me of the
first time my mom taught me how to make meatballs. I
missed her so much.
After we’d kneaded and squished everything together,
we rolled out the balls and arranged them on the cookie
sheet I’d prepared.
“You’re good at this,” Carson commented.
“I’ve done it a time or two.”
“Gran tried to teach daddy how to cook, but she says
he’s hopeless. I think she called him call-in-airy . . .”
“Culinary?” I offered.
“Does that mean cooker?”
“Something like that.” I laughed.
“Culinary challenged.”
“I resent that.”
Carson and I startled, not expecting him to be finished
so soon.
 “How do you know we were talking about you?” I
teased.
“Wild guess.”
He looked eatable standing in the kitchen, hair damp
from a shower, another T-shirt pulled tight over what I
knew to be a very hard, muscular chest and stomach.
He cleared his throat and smirked.
Ass.
“Want something to drink?” he asked.
And before I could warn him I’d been to the store he
opened the fridge.
“Holy shit,” he muttered.
“Daddy!”
“Sorry, Squirt.” Then turned his attention to me. “You’ve
been busy today.”
“I hope you don’t mind. Since you gave me such a great
move-in special, I thought I’d stock up on some groceries.
The fridge was a little bare.”
“You didn’t have to do all this.”
“And you didn’t have to help me move my stuff and give
me a free week’s rent, but you did.”
“Seriously, Honor.”
“Seriously, Ethan,” I mocked him, mimicking his stance.
His gaze dipped from my eyes then back up before he
shook his head.
“Damn, I hate when my dad’s right,” he mumbled under
his breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Thank you for this. But in the future, if you
wouldn’t mind picking up some stuff for me and Carson, I’ll
leave you money. But no special trips.”
“We’ll see.”
“Honor . . .”
“Ethan . . .”
“I’m serious.”
 “And so am I. If you two need something, and I need to
make an extra trip, I’ll make it. I work from home. I set my
own hours. Some days I work eighteen hours, some days I
work one. My schedule is flexible. I’m getting a room in a
nice house for a steal. Not to mention it comes with a
pretty little girl I get to cook with. If I want to pitch in and
help where I can, I will, and you’re not gonna argue with
me. Got it?”
Ethan stood stock-still, his back ram-rod straight, and I
was worried I’d crossed a line with him.
“Doesn’t she remind you of Gran when Pop tries to tell
her what to do?” Carson broke out in a fit of giggles next to
me.
“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” His face went
from unreadable to soft.
“Okay, smalls. But I’m leaving money. And that’s non-
negotiable.”
“Smalls? I’m not small.”
“Sure you are. You’re barely taller than Carson. And
compared to me you’re a small, sassy thing.”
“Back up, darlin’ let me put these in the oven. Make
sure it’s set at 350 degrees, and they go on the middle
rack.”
Carson checked the digital read out on the oven, and I
ignored Ethan’s comment. I also avoided looking at him.
The silly nickname had felt good, too good. There was
nothing intimate about the word smalls, but, for some
stupid reason, it felt like I’d just been inducted into this
family of two. Ethan called Carson, Squirt, more than by
her name; it was a term of endearment said with love and
adoration for his daughter.
“Oven’s ready,” she confirmed.
I placed the tray on the rack and closed the door.
“Perfect. Set the timer for thirty minutes, check that the
sauce is on simmer, and we’re done.”
“Check and check.” Carson said.
 “Wash your hands again,” I instructed.
She jumped off the chair she was standing on, and I
picked it up to move it back to the table when Ethan
stepped in my way.
“What just happened?”
I looked behind me trying to figure out what he was
talking about. Nothing seemed out of place.
“What do you mean?”
“You went from smiling to looking like I’d punched you
in the gut.”
“I did?” I tried to play it off.
“Yeah, Honor, you did.”
I tried to hide my disappointment that he’d called me by
my name.
“There it is again. Smalls, you can’t hide a damn thing.
Your pretty face shows everything you’re feeling.”
Warmth spread over me, and I wanted to deny I was
pretty just to hear him say it again. Thankfully there was a
chair between us because I wanted him to pull me close for
another hug.
“Will you do me a favor?” he asked, and I nodded. “No
matter how embarrassing, inappropriate, or mean, tell me
the last thought that ran through your head. The one you
had just when you looked at me. Complete honesty.” My
face flamed, and he smiled. “Yes, that thought.”
I took in Ethan’s hopeful expression and found I couldn’t
deny him. Or maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe this was part
of being the new me, brave and taking what I wanted
instead of being a meek bystander too afraid to rock the
proverbial boat.
Fuck it. Here goes nothing.
“I was thinking I was grateful there was a chair between
us because now that your vest is off I wish I could feel your
hard chest pressed against me.”
If it was possible, my cheeks burned hotter, but Ethan
didn’t give me time before he moved the chair, the legs
scraping on the tile floor, and yanked my hand until I was
flush against him, my breasts smashed between us. He
lowered his head to whisper in my ear.
“Smalls, I’ve been doing nothing all day but thinking
about how good you’d feel pressed up against me.” I
shivered at his words. Ethan, taking that as
encouragement, went on. “I’m pleased as fuck to hear
you’re on the same page. But I’m not taking whatever this
is between us any further until we’re both sure.”
I nodded in appreciation and, tucked there under his
arm, I felt every bit of the nickname he’d given me. He
could wrap both his arms around me and engulf my entire
body in his embrace. Something I’d never felt before had
taken root, safety.
He let me go as Carson came barreling back into the
kitchen.
“Are they done yet?”
“No, darlin’ we have some time left. Let’s set the table
and get the salad out.”
“Do I have to eat the salad?” Her lips pinched together.
“That’s up to your daddy. His rules. But if you don’t eat
the salad, you’ll miss out on my homemade cheese crisps
and special salad dressing.”
“What are cheese crisps?”
“Yummy, delicious, fried cheese. You crumble it on top of
your salad and pour my super-secret-recipe dressing over
them. But, if you don’t want any, more for me.”
“Okay. I’ll try it.” Ethan was back to watching us, and I
hoped I wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. “I’ll show you
where the plates are,” Carson offered.
“Perfect.”
The two of us moved around the kitchen, gathering
everything we needed to set the table. By the time we were
done, dinner was ready to be served.
I WAS PLEASED when Carson declared she loved the salad
and Ethan went back for seconds. Complimenting me and
Carson on how good the meatballs were.
Carson talked and talked and talked. The girl could
chatter to a brick wall and never tire. Through it all Ethan
had hung on her every word. He never told her to be quiet
or interrupted one of her many stories. He let her carry the
dinner conversation in any direction she wanted. And, for
her part, she was smart and funny. It was obvious she’d
spent a lot of time around adults and had soaked up all the
information she could.
“What grade are you in?” I asked Carson while we were
doing the dinner dishes.
“Third.”
“You’re pretty smart,” I told her.
“Thank you. Pop says it’s important to study. My daddy
got straight As in school. Then, when I was born, he took
extra classes and got out of school early, so he could start
college.”
“Wow. That’s impressive.”
“What is?” Ethan asked, bringing in the rest of the
dishes from the table.
“I was telling Honor how smart you are. You finished
school way early and college too.”
“Are you bragging on your old man, Squirt?” He ruffled
her curls, and she pushed his hand away.
“You’re not old. All the teachers talk about how young
and cute you are. It’s gross.”
Ethan turned scarlet and shook his head. “That is gross.
Your teacher is older than Gran.”
They both laughed and started loading the dishwasher.
It was sweet to watch them.
 By the time Ethan had taken Carson up to bed I was
exhausted. I had to hand it to him, I wasn’t sure if I’d be
able to keep up with all the energy Carson had, but he did
it all on his own and with grace. I grabbed a bottle of water
and turned off the lights in the kitchen. While I was
debating whether or not to shut off the rest of the lights
Ethan came back downstairs.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d gone to bed and if I should turn
everything off,” I told him.
He looked like he had a lot on his mind and when he
didn’t answer me right away, I took that as my cue to go to
my room and leave him in peace.
“Where are you going?” His words stopping me.
“I was gonna let you have some time to yourself. You
look like you’ve had a long day.”
“Thank you for dinner. And for being so patient with
Carson. I know she can be a handful.”
“She’s not a handful. Full of life, maybe, but she’s a
good girl. I enjoyed cooking with her tonight.”
“Yeah, she liked that, too. It was all she talked about
when I was tucking her in.”
The pensive look was back, and I didn’t understand why.
“Is that a problem? I didn’t mean to trample on your
rules or anything.”
“Sit with me a minute?”
Dread washed over me. I’d lived here a week and I was
afraid he was getting ready to give me the boot. I sat next
to him on the couch, and my body slumped when he sighed.
Oh, no. He didn’t look happy.
“Other than my mom, aunts, and female cousins, Carson
has never had a woman around. Certainly not in the house,
cooking with her.”
I waited for him to say something more, but he didn’t.
“If you’d rather me not, I won’t. I just thought she’d like
it. I always loved cooking with my mom.” Ethan’s entire
being changed and I rushed on. “That came out wrong. I
didn’t mean . . . I don’t mean . . . I . . . fuck. Ethan I wasn’t
saying I’m anything more than a roommate. I enjoy cooking
and thought it would be fun for her as well. I swear, I
wasn’t trying to push myself into your life.”
His next words shocked and saddened me at the same
time.
“I was sixteen when Carson’s mother got pregnant. She
wanted to give her up for adoption, but I wouldn’t agree. I
couldn’t. Chrissy never wavered, not even after she’d given
birth. She wouldn’t even look at Carson, let alone hold her.
Not even ten minutes after Carson was born I left the
delivery room with her, and, as promised, we’ve never
heard from her again. A few hours later, her parents’
attorney dropped off the paperwork relinquishing Chrissy’s
parental rights, and I took over all responsibility for
Carson.
“There are some days, like today, I question what kind of
father I am. Between my job being as dangerous as it is,
and raising Carson without a mom, I wonder if I’m a selfish
prick. I wouldn’t give up my daughter for anything, but I’ve
never entertained the idea of dating or what it must be like
for her not to have a woman in the house.”
“Don’t do that.” He stopped brushing imaginary lint off
the couch and looked up at me. “I had two parents. My dad
was rarely home. I knew he loved me and my mom, but he
loved the military more. He’d volunteer for deployment
even when he’d only been home a few months. I’ve heard
men like your father tell stories about the great Buck Sully,
but the truth is, he may’ve been a great soldier, but he
sucked as a dad. I had a mom, a good one when she wasn’t
lost in her grief over losing a husband who’d promised year
after year things would be different. Looking back, I
wonder if she was grieving the love of the man, or the loss
of a future she knew he’d never provide. She loved me, but
she never let me rattle on about my day and listen with her
entire soul like you do for Carson.
 “I’ve known Carson a week, and I can tell you with
certainty that little girl wants for nothing. She is
surrounded by love. There’s no way she’d be as bold and
talkative if she was unsure about the people around her.
Your job is dangerous. But that doesn’t make you selfish. I
doubt you’d be happy working behind the counter in a
hardware store. That’s not how you’re wired. And if you’re
not happy, how are you supposed to make her happy?”
“And the dating part? Now that you’ve properly put me
in my place for feeling sorry for myself do you have
anything to say about that?” He smiled.
I hadn’t meant to come off sounding preachy, but he was
selling himself short.
“You haven’t dated since she was born?” I asked.
“Before that, actually. I’d been dating Chrissy for six
months when she got pregnant. The night she told me,
everything between us changed. We were over. It was like a
switch had been flipped, and she wanted nothing more to
do with me. I’ve never told anyone this, not even my
parents, I asked her to marry me that night. I told her we’d
raise the baby together. She told me no.” His laugh
sounded hollow.
“I guess you haven’t found the right woman to be
Carson’s mom.” He averted his gaze from me. “You know
any woman you find has to not only be right for you but
Carson, too. It’s easy to trust your heart, but I suppose it
would be difficult to trust someone with hers.”
“I’m going to kiss you, smalls. I know what I said earlier,
and we’ll go slow until we both know this is something we
want to explore. But I have to taste you.” He leaned in and
cupped my face. “Tell me now, if you don’t want this.”
“I want this,” I whispered.
He quickly closed the scant distance between us and,
instead of going for it like I would’ve allowed, he slowly
explored my mouth with his. When he finally licked the
seam of my lips, I was panting with anticipation. The first
swipe of his tongue tasted like paradise. It didn’t take long
for him to scoot closer and angle my face where he wanted
it. The kiss became demanding, and I wanted nothing more
than to submit. I met him stroke for stroke, completely lost
on the most erotic voyage of my life, trusting Ethan would
steer us where he wanted to go. It may’ve been five
minutes or two hours when he slowed the kiss and sweetly
bussed the corners of my mouth before pulling back,
leaving me dazed.
With his hands still cupping my cheeks he spoke. “I
thought I was sure before that kiss but now I’m absolutely
positive I want to see where this goes. I’m scared as fuck
because I’ve never let anyone close to us before. But,
smalls, I’ve never been kissed like that. I’ve never felt a
spark of excitement so deep I never wanted to breathe
again. I swear we’ll go as slowly as you need, as long as
we’re moving forward.”
“And if I don’t want slow?”
He closed the distance again and softly kissed me.
“I need slow. I’ve never done the whole dating thing as
an adult and I’m sure I’m gonna fuck it up. Bear with me?”
“Is that what this is? Dating?”
“I don’t know what you’d call what I’m feeling, but,
whatever it is, I want more of it.”
“Okay. But I need something from you, too.”
“Anything.”
“I need patience. The last time I had a boyfriend I was a
senior in high school, and it didn’t go so well.”
He studied me for a second before asking. “Did he hurt
you?”
“Yeah. But not the way you’re thinking. After I gave him
my virginity, he told the whole school about it. Then he
gave a blow by blow description of the night and offered to
share me with his buddies on the lacrosse team.”
“What a dick.”
 “He totally was. The rest of the year was spent trying to
restore my reputation. But it never worked. Once you’re
deemed a slut in high school, there’s no changing it.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
He situated himself on the couch and pulled me back
into his arms to cuddle. It felt nice sitting and sharing with
Ethan.
“Eh. It was a long time ago. After I graduated, I started
design school and was so caught up learning new stuff and
getting my portfolio together, dating and sex were the last
thing on my mind. Then my mom died. Nothing seemed
important after that.”
“Tell me about her?”
I shifted and curled up even closer to Ethan. With my
head still spinning from the information he’d given me, my
heart pounding from our closeness, and wet undies from
our scorching hot kiss, I relaxed and told him stories about
my mom—the good ones before Franklin came into our
lives.
 7

“C an Honor come?” Carson asked, sitting on my

bed, waiting for me to finish getting ready.
“If she wants. But, Squirt, don’t be
disappointed if she says, no. She may have to work today.”
“But it’s a Saturday,” she said, telling me something I
already knew.
It had been almost a month since I’d first kissed Honor.
And in the four-weeks since, there had been more stolen
kisses after Carson had gone to bed. My hands had never
moved from her face or back. I’d kept my promise and my
dick in check. That didn’t mean after our goodnight kisses
I’d hadn’t gone up to my room and jerked off thinking about
all the things I wanted to do to her.
Honor, however, was getting braver; her hands roamed
my chest as I devoured her mouth. Last night, as I had her
pressed against her bedroom door, her touch had ventured
south, and she rubbed my dick over the outside of my
pants. Her tiny hand stroked over the material, and I was a
moment away from coming when I pulled her hand away.
She’d almost broken my will. I wanted her so badly I could
barely stand to wait any longer. But I’d walked away,
leaving her breathless, and both of us needing more. I had
lain in my bed with my dick in my hand wondering why I
was waiting. I could’ve walked back to Honor’s room and
made love to her until we were both satisfied.
The truth was, I was scared. What if the excitement and
anticipation waned after we had sex? What if she wasn’t as
perfect as I thought she was? What if I fucked this up and
hurt her? And what about Carson? Over the last few weeks,
they’d cooked together, gone out back and Honor showed
Carson how to use her camera, they’d painted together,
they even went grocery shopping—just the two of them. I’d
stayed home to set up Honor’s new TV and Blu-ray player
for her, and the girls had left. Bottom line, Carson was
attached; she liked Honor. Case in point, she wanted to
invite Honor to come along with us to Savannah. This was
our time, Carson had never wanted anyone to come with us
on our trips to the city—not even my parents.
Fuck.
I was at a loss. Did I pull back and pump the brakes, or
did I give in to my desires and lift the temporary ban on sex
and go for it? And why the fuck was I mixing sex with
emotion? We were both adults. Surely we could get hot and
sweaty between the sheets and still behave like rational
people. But, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew
why I was holding back. It had been a month, and I was
already half in love with Honor. If I took her to my bed, I
wouldn’t be able to keep my emotions out of it. I wouldn’t
be fucking her, I’d be making love to her. She was so
different from the other women I’d been with, they weren’t
even in the same universe. I could see Honor in our lives
for the long haul.
Carson jumped off my bed and headed for the door.
“Carson, if she says no, don’t bat your pretty eyes at her
and try and convince her. She has deadlines, and her work
is important.”
“Fine,” she huffed and went in search of Honor.
A few minutes later, as I was brushing my teeth, Honor
appeared in the doorway of my bathroom,
 “Hey there, handsome.” She smiled.
I had a mouthful of toothpaste, so I opted for a chin lift
in response.
“Carson invited me to tag along on your big day out. I
wanted to check that was cool with you. Last night you
were excited about some one-on-one time with her. I don’t
want to intrude.”
I rinsed my mouth and thought about what she’d asked.
Honor was always careful not to intrude. She always asked
before she did anything with Carson, she didn’t even take
her into the backyard without permission. She respected
my time with my daughter and would sneak away if she
saw Carson and me cuddled on the couch, watching a show.
I wasn’t sure if that made her the world’s most perfect
woman, caring about my time with my kid, or if it made me
an asshole because I’d made Honor think she was an
interloper when I’d invited her into our circle.
Time to shit or get off the pot. With my mind made up, I
dried my face and listened for Carson. The slamming of a
cabinet door downstairs told me everything I needed to
know. I was alone with Honor.
Two strides and I was face to face with the woman
who’d plagued my dreams and turned my world upside
down.
“I want you to come,” I told her. “I’m sorry if I’ve made
you feel otherwise.”
“You haven’t, but your time with Carson is important.”
“You’re important, too.”
“Thank you, Ethan,” she whispered.
“Are you sure about where we’re headed? You want to
try this with Carson and me?”
“I promise, I’ve thought a lot about it. It’s not just you
and me. I’d never do anything to hurt Carson. Never. I like
you.” She stopped and smiled. “A lot. I want to see where
this goes. And for the record, I’m done with taking things
slowly with you. But, I want my friendship with Carson to
be separate from my relationship with you. Does that make
sense?”
“It does.”
“It’s important she never feels like I’m taking her
daddy’s time away from her. And I want her and me to
gradually get to know each other better. I only have one
shot with her and I won’t fuck it up by pushing; we move at
her pace. It won’t matter if what we have is perfect, if
Carson isn’t comfortable, that’s a deal breaker for me.”
Yep, world’s most perfect woman. I was happy she’d said
exactly what I was feeling. Eight years ago, I gave my life
to my daughter, I never knew how or where a woman would
fit into our world, but Honor had shown me. One step at a
time.
“I’m gonna kiss you, smalls. And, tonight, after I get
Carson to sleep we’re taking our goodnight kiss behind
closed doors.”
“Is that right?”
“It is. And just so you’re forewarned, you may need a
nap. It’s gonna be a long night,” I informed her.
“You think so?”
“I know so.”
“We’ll see. Maybe you’re the one who should take a
nap.”
The mischief that sparked in her eyes meant good things
for me later.
“Smalls, every night for the past twenty-nine days I’ve
come upstairs after I’ve kissed you senseless and stroked
my dick, imagining all the ways I want to make you come.
On my fingers, in my mouth, all over my cock until the bed
is soaked. I’ve thought up a hundred filthy ways to make
you beg for more. Trust me, you’ll need the nap.”
I pushed forward and pressed my dick against her
stomach, letting her see how affected I was by the images.
“Kiss me, Ethan.”
 I lowered my mouth to hers and took my time enjoying
the taste of her. Sunshine and promise. It should’ve worried
me how she could bring me to my knees with just the brush
of her tongue. But it didn’t, instead it filled me with hope.
Honor Sullivan was everything I never thought I’d find.
“Honor!” Carson called from the landing outside my
bedroom and we both jumped apart.
“Oops.” She wiped her mouth and answered Carson.
“Coming.”
“Not yet you’re not. But you will tonight,” I quietly
added.
“Promises, promises.” She threw her comeback over her
shoulder and left me standing in my bathroom adjusting my
throbbing hard-on.
Fuck yeah, it was a promise. A promise I fully intended
to make good on. Multiple times in a multitude of ways.

“D ADDY , can we take Honor to the candy store then to the

ice cream shop next door?” Carson asked as we strolled
down the river walk, passing the tourist shops that lined
the path.
“We can after dinner.”
“Do they have Swedish Fish at this candy store?” Honor
asked.
“Yes. Every candy you can imagine. They even have fried
crickets.”
“Fried crickets? Gross.”
“Totally gross. We bought some for Pop. He ate the
whole bag and said they were pretty good. But Pop will eat
anything, so I don’t believe him.”
“True story,” I laughed. “My dad will eat just about
anything.”
 We found a restaurant across from the Echo Square and
walked the two flights of stairs to our table. It had a perfect
view of the Savannah River, complete with the old-time
riverboat replica docked nearby.
I watched as the girls sat close, heads together, scrolling
through all the pictures Honor had taken.
“There are a lot of pictures of me and daddy.”
“There are. The two of you are perfect subjects. Always
smiling.”
“What’s a subject?” Carson asked.
I zoned out during Honor’s explanation. I hadn’t seen
the pictures she’d taken but I had noticed her taking them.
It seemed every time I turned around Honor’s camera was
in front of her face, and she was snapping pictures. It had
dawned on me that Honor had documented our day, sans
her. I pulled out my cellphone, opened the camera app and
took a picture of the girls together.
I vowed right then and there, Honor would never be left
out again. I remembered what she’d said the first time I’d
met her in the park.
When memories start to fade it’s important to have a
reminder.
I wasn’t planning on forgetting, but I saw the beauty in
the reminder.
Our dinner came and Carson, as usual, dominated the
conversation but this time it was different, she wasn’t
directing all her questions at me. Honor and Carson carried
on like Honor had always been part of our lives. They
poked fun of me and laughed together. Carson filled Honor
in on the latest family news—including that my brother was
coming home on leave for a few days. It was a good time.
No . . . a great time.
We stopped at the candy store, loading up on enough
treats for Carson to have a sugar rush for a month. Honor
had insisted on getting the fried crickets. One package for
her and Carson to try and a second for my dad.
 With ice cream cones in hand we walked River Street,
taking in more sights, until we got to the Waving Girl statue
that Carson was dying to see, even though she’d seen it
every time we’d come to Savannah. She climbed onto the
bench and threw her hands out, mimicking the sculpture.
Honor’s camera came up and she started snapping
pictures. I quickly pulled out my cell and, also caught the
moment. Only I was focused on Honor focusing on Carson.

D ESPITE THE ICE cream and handful of M&M’s Carson had

eaten she’d passed out in the backseat thirty minutes into
our forty-five-minute drive home. She barely stirred when I
carried her inside and changed her into her jammies and
tucked her into bed. I hovered over her, staring down at my
daughter. It was hard to believe she was eight. It was both
just yesterday and a lifetime ago she came into my life. My
parents had been right about one thing, I’d been too young
to understand all the ways my life would change when I’d
decided to keep Carson. But there has never been a second
I regretted it. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like not
having my daughter. She was the best part of me.
I turned off her light and shut her door and made my
way down the stairs to where Honor was waiting for me. I
prayed I had enough left to give her. She deserved a man
who could and would love her with his whole being. The
kind of love my dad gave my mom. If Carson held my heart,
would there be room for Honor?
I found Honor in the kitchen rooting through the pantry
moving boxes around in search of something.
“Whatcha’ looking for?” I asked, and she jumped,
banging her elbow on the open door.
“Shit on a shingle you scared me to death.” She rubbed
her elbow and went back to riffling through the fully
stocked, thanks to her, pantry. “I thought Carson and I
could make waffles tomorrow, but I don’t know if we have
baking powder.”
We.
I liked that.
“There’s a box of waffle mix right in front of you.”
She glanced over her shoulder and scowled, completely
affronted I would dare making such a ludicrous suggestion.
“You don’t make homemade, Sunday-morning waffle
goodness out of a box, Ethan. You spread out all the
ingredients, measure, make a mess, whisk everything by
hand, and watch the batter turn into fluffy golden delights.”
I shouldn’t have worried, there was more than enough
room in my heart for this amazing woman and her Sunday-
morning golden delights.
“I better up my gym time. With all the delicious food you
make, I’m gonna get fat.”
“Right. Because your six pack and arms of steel are
going to disappear overnight.”
“Arms of steel?” I laughed.
“Ethan Lenox, are you fishing for compliments?”
“From you? Always.”
She abandoned her quest to find baking powder and
stalked toward me. When she was within arm’s reach, her
palms went to my chest before they moved lower to my
stomach.
“I thought you were taking me to bed?”
“In a hurry?” I joked.
“Yes.”
No games. No playing coy. Honor was straight up honest
about what she wanted.
I covered her hand with mine and laced our fingers
together, pulling her toward the front door, I double
checked the alarm was set before I stopped in front of her
bedroom door.
“You’re sure?”
 “So sure.”
“I don’t want to stop tonight.”
“You wanna go all the way with me, handsome?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
“Good. Because if you stop, I might die.”
“Can’t have that, smalls.”
I closed her door with a soft click and a turn of the lock,
then we were alone in her room with the bed less than ten
feet behind us.
“I want you naked.”
My hands went to the hem of her T-shirt, and I yanked it
over her head. Following my lead, her hand went to mine,
and she pulled it off and tossed it on the floor with hers.
She found the button of my jeans before I could unsnap
her shorts.
Both of us pushed the material down and soon they were
pooled around our ankles. We kicked them to side, and she
smiled shyly.
“You are so beautiful,” I told her and ran my knuckles
over the swell of her breasts, down to her lace covered
nipples. “So damn perfect.”
Her hands weren’t still, they roamed my chest and
stomach, up and down over my skin until she stopped at
the waistband of my boxers.
I was almost paralyzed with indecision. I wanted to go
slowly, take my time and enjoy the gift she was giving me.
But the sight of her standing in front of me in only her
underwear had my dick aching and my hands shaking with
need.
When had I ever wanted a woman so badly?
Never.
High school sex, didn’t count for shit. It was fueled by
hormones and was completely uncoordinated. I’d had no
idea how to really please a woman then. Over the last few
years sex had simply been a means to an end, a mutually
beneficial release. This was something altogether different.
Something more. I wanted to consume Honor, own her, and
I needed her to fall as fast and hard for me as I was for her.
 8

I was trembling and nervous as all get out.

This wasn’t just sex, at least it didn’t feel that way
to me. Ethan’s gaze traveled down my body until he
brought his eyes back to mine. Heat, lust, and desire
swirled together making me shiver once more. How could
he make me ache with just a look?
Ethan’s arms wrapped around my back and he found the
clasp of my bra. With a flick of his fingers it was
unfastened. He held my gaze while he pulled the straps
down my arms. When the garment was freed and thrown to
the side his eyes dropped to my chest.
“Jesus Christ,” he said, and his hands cupped both my
breasts.
His head lowered and licked both my nipples in turn,
before sucking one into his mouth. Ethan’s hand never
stopped squeezing and massaging my overly large boobs.
I’d always hated how big they were, but now with Ethan
obviously enjoying what I had to offer I no longer cared I
had breasts the size of an augmented stripper. His mouth
moved over and lavished attention to my other nipple, and
my head fell back.
“I could spend all night playing with your tits.”
“They’re not too big?” Old insecurities die hard.
 “They’re big and soft, and this part . . .” He traced his
finger around my areola. “Sexy as hell.” He kissed both
nipples and continued. “Your tits are the perfect size for me
to put you on your back, straddle your chest, squeeze them
together, then slide my cock between them while you suck
me off.”
We were moving toward the bed, and before I could
recover from the sexy images he’d invoked, the back of my
legs hit the mattress, and Ethan was easing me down. My
back hit the cool fabric of my comforter, and his scorching-
hot chest covered mine. His weight smooshed us together,
and he finally kissed me. This kiss was not like the others
where he’d always held himself back, if only by a fraction.
This time he gave me everything. His hips ground down,
the ridged shaft of his dick grinding the lace of my panties
against my wet center. Our tongues mingled, and our
bodies heated. As good as he felt on top of me, I wanted
more. My hands moved over his back, appreciating the
smooth skin before I finally made it to the waistband of his
boxer briefs. I tugged on them, and he lifted, helping me
move the elastic over his hard-on.
“It’s not working,” I complained when they wouldn’t
budge any further.
He stood to his full height and shoved them down his
legs. Ethan’s dick sprang free and bobbed a few times
before settling.
“Holy fuck, handsome.”
He took his dick in hand and gave himself a few long,
hard strokes. His head fell back, and he moaned. I’d never
seen a man touch himself before, it was the most erotic
thing I’d ever seen, and I felt a little naughty watching him.
“Scoot up the bed,” he instructed.
I scrambled back, never taking my eyes off his moving
hand. He reached for the table beside my bed where I’d
placed a box of condoms, he tore into the box finding a foil
packet. With his right hand still on his dick he used his left
to bring the condom to his mouth, ripping it open with his
teeth.
“Like what you see, smalls?” A sexy sly smile formed as
he rolled the rubber over his long, thick length.
I didn’t answer, I couldn’t, and, besides, he knew I did. I
might as well have been drooling. Actually, I may have
been. I wanted to tell him his dick was a thing of beauty,
but I thought that would sound bizarre, so I kept my mouth
shut.
With his dick sheathed he reached for my panties and
pulled them off before he crawled onto the bed, spreading
my legs wide as he went. He settled himself into the cradle
of my hips and rested on one elbow near my head. Using
his other hand he cupped my cheek before moving it to my
throat, then grazing my breasts, and sliding down my
stomach. His hand went between my legs, and his fingers
danced over my entrance before he dipped one in. Pulling
out, he pushed two back in.
“Sweet Jesus,” he groaned and kissed me again.
I didn’t know what sensation to concentrate on, the
magic he was creating between my legs or his kiss. He
stroked my tongue with an urgency he’d never shown me,
revealing how much he desired me—wanted me. It was
unreal to think Ethan, who I’d come to understand was a
strong and good man, had chosen to take a chance with
me. Not to mention he was hot as hell. Women would have
been lining up around the block for a chance with him if
he’d allowed it.
His hand moved faster, and my hips bucked. He
withdrew his hand and broke the kiss.
“I want the first time you come to be with me inside of
you.”
He moved and hitched my leg over his hip, the tip of his
dick replacing his fingers, but he didn’t push in.
He stilled and with a look of love and sincerity that
made my heart swell he said, “We’re going to take this
slowly.”
The head slipped in, and I jolted. He waited a few
seconds before he gave me more. Slowly working himself in
and out until we were both panting.
“Ethan,” I whispered.
“I know, smalls. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever
felt so good in my life.”
He got that right. My inexperience didn’t allow for much
to compare with, but I was sure our joining was more than
physical. It had to be. He finally inched his way in, our
bodies fully connected he paused for a moment giving me
time to adjust.
“You okay?” he asked. His voice was strained, and the
sound made me smile.
“More than.”
“I have to move, smalls. But if I hurt you, tell me and I’ll
slow down.”
“You’re not gonna hurt me.”
“Baby, the way I’m feeling right now, I’m afraid if I let go
I might fuck you so hard the bed will crash through the
wall.”
“We’ll patch the hole later. Don’t ever hold back. I want
all of you.”
“Fuck.” He leaned down and kissed the side of my head,
moving farther still until he pulled my earlobe into his
mouth. Releasing it he whispered, “We haven’t even
started, but you feel so fucking good I want to come right
now. You’re hot and wet and tight as hell.” My insides
spasmed at his words and he groaned. “Christ.”
He drew his hips back and slowly pushed in, setting a
leisurely pace, his hand roamed everywhere he could
reach, and his mouth explored mine. I could do nothing but
wrap my legs around him and hold on to his shoulders. I
was too afraid to move, scared I’d chase off the feeling he
was building. I wanted to touch him like he was touching
me, but I was lost, drowning in the wonder of our
lovemaking.
Something started happening, and my hips bucked of
their own accord.
“Honor,” Ethan growled.
I didn’t know if he’d said more after my name but, if he
had, I hadn’t heard him. A roaring had started in my ears,
and I had no control over my movements. All I knew was I
wanted more of what I was feeling.
The bed shook from the power of Ethan’s thrusts, I had
to tighten my legs around him to ground myself to him. My
boobs were bouncing, and maybe I should’ve been
embarrassed but I couldn’t bring myself to care. He was
relentless, pounding into me, and when his hand came to
my breast and plucked my nipple, my entire soul shattered
into a million glorious, euphoric pieces.
“Fucking Christ, you are magnificent.” I heard him say.
“So beautiful. So perfect. All of you, smalls. Perfect.” His
strokes became jerky and he wrenched himself up, so he
was sitting back on his heels, my legs still around his waist,
but my ass was off the bed. Ethan gripped my hips and
helped me move with him. I now understood what “eye
fucking” truly meant. His gaze was smoldering as he ate up
every inch of my flesh until it landed where we were joined.
“You have no idea how hot it is to watch my cock rocking
in and out of your pussy.” He took a hand from my hip and
started rubbing my clit in fast circles. “I want you to come
with me.”
“I . . . I . . . did already,” I stammered out.
“No, smalls, that was just the appetizer. I want you
screaming your pleasure.”
His finger rubbed, and the new angle had his dick
bumping the perfect spot.
“I can’t, Ethan,” I said but my body betrayed my words. I
was already shaking, my thighs tightening, trying to ward
off the new sensation that was building, bigger than before,
way bigger.
“I can’t stop watching your tits sway, all I can think
about is how they’re going to look when you’re on top of
me. I’ll be able to suck and play with them while you fuck
me.”
I never imagined I’d like dirty talk, but hearing Ethan
tell me what he saw, what he liked, and what he wanted to
do was driving me crazy.
“Come on, Honor, let go and come with me. You feel too
good, you’re gonna make me come.” He stopped rubbing
and pinched my clit hard, a rush of heat spread over my
body. “Holy shit. That’s it, I can feel your pussy strangling
my cock. I’m gonna come with you.”
“Do it,” I moaned.
“Fuck,” he roared and threw his head back. Thrusting
once more, he stayed still with his dick as deep as it could
go. It twitched and moved inside of me, and the muscles in
his neck tightened.
We stayed like that for a while before he looked down at
me and smiled.
“Only you, Honor.”
With my brain muddled, and my body relaxed I wasn’t
sure what he meant, but I was too tired to ask. Too happy.
Too sated.
I’d ask later, maybe tomorrow. My eyes closed, and
peaceful slumber found me.
 9

A door slammed, and I was pulled from a sexy dream

of Honor under me, staring at me with wonder as I
pumped in and out of her until we both exploded. I
heard it bang a second time and rolled out of bed. It took
me a minute to realize I was back in my room, I tagged a
pair of athletic shorts off the floor, yanking them up I went
for the stairs.
I rounded the bottom step and looked around, no one
was in the house. I glanced out the back window and
caught sight of Carson running across the yard.
Fuck. What the hell was Carson doing outside? With my
heart in my throat I ran for the back door and just as I was
about to scold her for going out unattended I found her and
Honor lying stomach down in the grass. Honor had her
camera in front of her face and Carson was holding a
mirror next to her lens.
“Daddy! You’re awake.”
“I am. What are you doing?”
“Honor is capturing dandelions with her macro lens.
That means up close. Super up close. You can see things in
the picture you normally can’t see.”
“And the mirror?”
 “I’m her lighting tech.” Carson’s chest puffed, taking her
job seriously.
Honor finished and looked over her shoulder.
“Did we wake you?”
“No,” I lied. “Taking pictures of weeds now?”
“I’ll have you know, I’ve found great beauty in the things
most people dismiss. You ready for breakfast?” Honor sat
up and Carson mimicked her, both girls smiling, only
Honor’s eyes kept dropping to my bare chest.
“You two lovely ladies finish up out here. I’ll start the
coffee.”
I turned and walked back into the house as quickly as I
could, trying to prevent my daughter from seeing the
evidence of my arousal. When had I become a horny
teenager again? All it took was Honor looking at me, and I
popped a fucking boner. That hadn’t happened since I was
sixteen. My life was segregated into two parts—before
Carson and after Carson.
Before Carson, I’d bagged damn near every cheerleader
and girl’s field hockey player at my school. My dad was
right about one thing, he taught me to treat them with
respect. I’d never talked about my exploits with my friends,
never bragged about who or what I’d done. But, thankfully,
my dad didn’t have the first clue how many I’d actually
taken to bed. I’d had eighteen months between losing my
virginity and Chrissy getting pregnant. One could say I’d
been busy during that time. However, none of them had
made my body come alive like Honor did.
After Carson there had been only a handful. Partly
because I was a full-time, single dad, but mostly because I
was the dad of a girl. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to
take a woman home under false pretenses or promises of
more. I was crystal clear about what I’d wanted and needed
and hardly ever approached a woman. If they were
interested and came to me, we’d talk. But none of those
women brought me to my knees. None of them had called
to me on a deeper level. Honor checked all the boxes. Made
me feel things I’d long ago set aside. I was connected to
her in a way that was unexplainable.
I adjusted my cock in my shorts and wondered if I had
time to run upstairs and take care of it before breakfast
was ready. I could leave the girls to make breakfast and go
take a shower. There was no doubt it would only take a few
strokes of my hand while images from last night played in
my mind; I’d finish in minutes. Remembering Honor
panting under me was not helping the ache. Abandoning
the coffee machine, I headed for the stairs, taking two at a
time, I rushed into my room.
I pressed my forehead against the cool wood on the back
of my closed door. After a moment, while I was questioning
my sanity, a knock sounded.
“Ethan? We were wondering how many waffles you
wanted.”
Without answering, I opened the door and pulled Honor
through. After shutting and locking it I pressed her back
against the wall, and my mouth covered hers. What the hell
was I doing kissing her without her permission? I didn’t
need to worry, though, her arms quickly snaked around my
neck, her fingers dove into my hair, and she returned the
kiss with the same desperation.
I broke the kiss and the silence stretched between us,
neither of us needing to communicate verbally. Our bodies
were still connected from chest to knees and the current
jumping between us was more than enough.
“Sorry I fell asleep on you last night,” she finally spoke.
“Don’t be.”
“I was so relaxed I couldn’t keep my eyes open. You
wore me out.”
“Glad to help.”
“By the cocky grin on your face, I gather you’re happy
with yourself.”
“You have no idea how happy.”
 “Me, too.” She closed the distance and touched her lips
to mine. “Breakfast? How many waffles?”
“Surprise me.”
“Are you hungry?”
“I’m hungry,” I told her. “I’ll be down as soon as I take
care of this.” I pressed my hard-on against her stomach.
“Wish I could help you take care of that.” Her eyes went
soft, and she pushed against me.
“There’s no doubt you’ll be helping.” I lowered my
mouth to her neck, licking my way up to her ear. “I’m
gonna jerk off thinking about your beautiful tits. And when
I come I’ll be remembering what it felt like being inside of
you. Your moans, the look on your face when you orgasmed,
how good your pussy felt, how tight and wet. It may be my
hand stroking myself, but it will be you that owns my
orgasm.”
“You can’t say that to me and expect me to go down and
make breakfast.”
“All day, I want you thinking about me touching myself.
Every time you look at me you’ll know you drive me so
fucking crazy I had to come up here and beat my cock into
submission because you make me so goddamn hard I can’t
see straight. You do this to me, smalls. Only you. No one
else—ever.”
“Ethan?”
“Right here, Honor.”
“You drive me crazy, too. I know it’s too soon, but I think
I’m falling for you. I just thought you should know.”
My heart did a funny flip-flop in my chest. I loved how
open and honest she was. I didn’t want to play games and
keep secrets between us. I needed honesty.
“Me, too. There’s no such thing as too soon. We go at
our own pace,” I assured her.
“Okay.” She nodded.
“Honor?” Carson shouted.
 “Coming,” she yelled back. “Duty calls, handsome.
Hurry up and come . . . downstairs.”
She gave me a shove and winked before she walked out
of my bedroom.
I beelined it to the shower and promptly took my dick in
hand. Just as I thought, it had taken not even a dozen hard
pulls before I was exploding.

I HEARDthe voices before I hit the bottom steps.

“Daddy! Gran and Pop came for breakfast. They brought
donuts.”
“I can see, Squirt.”
It took me a moment to digest what I was seeing. Honor,
Carson, and my mom were in the kitchen. Carson was
standing on a chair mixing waffle batter, my mom and
Honor were watching her and smiling. My dad was sitting
at the table, coffee in hand.
“Morning,” I said to him as I passed the table in need of
my own cuppa joe. “Good morning, Mom.” I kissed the top
of her head then poured my morning pick-me-up. “Smells
good,” I told Carson and, without thinking, I kissed Honor
as I passed.
Shit.
Three pairs of eyes bugged out. My mom was the first to
recover. Her smile told me she approved, which should’ve
put me at ease, but didn’t. I had fucked up big time, kissing
Honor in front of Carson.
“The next batch ready, darlin’?” Honor asked Carson,
ignoring the gigantic elephant in the room.
“Almost,” Carson answered, giving the batter another
fast beating with the whisk. “Now it's done.” She pushed
the bowl toward Honor.
 “Great job. Why don’t you go set the table?” Carson
jumped off the chair and went about grabbing the plates
someone had already set out on the counter. Then Honor
turned to me. “Go. Enjoy your coffee with your dad. Your
mom and I will finish up.”
Not believing it was possible, my mom’s smile got bigger
with every order Honor doled out.
“Are you trying to tell me I’m in the way?”
“Kinda.”
“Copy that, smalls.”
My ass hadn’t even warmed the chair before my dad
tore his gaze away from the women bustling around the
kitchen and leveled one of his legendary “Dad Glares” at
me. Carter and I had coined the look as legendary by the
time we were teenagers. One glance and we’d spill our
guts. It was good to know, at twenty-four, the look still
worked; I was ready to tell him all my secrets.
“Glad to see you lowered the shield, son.”
What could I say to that? If I denied it, he’d know I was
lying in a red-hot-second. If I confirmed, he’d circle the
waters like a shark and start asking questions I didn’t have
the answers to. I knew my dad wanted what was best for
me. He’d always told Carter and me he wanted nothing
more than for us to find good women.
“Daddy? Gran said I could go over and swim later. Is
that okay with you?”
Normally, Carson and I would veg out in the house on
Sunday mornings—just the two of us. Weekends were
precious to me, I got to have my daughter’s undivided
attention. But for the first time, I wanted someone else’s
attention—undivided and uninterrupted.
“Sure, Squirt.”
“Really? I can go?” Carson threw her arms around my
neck and kissed my cheek. “Thanks. You’re the best, most
wonderful dad in the world.”
 “All that because I said yes, to swimming?” My dad and I
chuckled.
“Breakfast,” my mom announced bringing over a plate
stacked tall with piping hot waffles. My dad stood and took
the plate from my mom, setting it in the middle of the table.
I followed suit when Honor approached, taking the syrup
and butter from her.
“You sit next to Daddy,” Carson told Honor.
In a moment of disbelief, I stared at Carson. She always,
and I mean always, insisted she got the chair next to mine.
Even when her favorite uncle, Carter, was in town, she still
favored me.
I pulled out the chair for Honor to sit, and Carson took
the chair at the end of the table on the other side of Honor.
“Thanks,” Honor mumbled and sat.
“Everything looks great. I’m happy to see my son and
granddaughter are no longer starving,” my dad said.
“Lenox,” my mom scolded.
“What? I didn’t know it was a secret Ethan’s a crappy
cook.”
“Hush,” my mom tried again.
“You don’t have to worry, Pop. Honor is teaching me to
cook. We made meatballs and a roast and baked chicken.
She even taught me how to make homemade pizza,” Carson
told him.
“Is that right?” My dad looked across the table at me
and realized there’d been more going on than just the kiss
he’d witnessed.
Honor was now a part of our daily lives. We ate dinner
together every night, the girls took pictures together, and
Honor helped Carson with her reading homework. There
hadn’t been a day since she’d moved in that she wasn’t
involved in some way.
“Carter is in town next week,” my mom reminded me.
“I know, I spoke to him yesterday.”
 “We’re having a barbeque next weekend, the whole
family,” she continued.
“Yippy. Uncle Carter and the cousins.” Carson clapped
her hands.
“You’ll be there, too, won’t you, Honor?” My mom took a
bite of her waffle as if she hadn’t just dropped a bomb.
“Yeah, Honor, you have to! Everyone will be there. It’s
so much fun.”
“I don’t want to intrude,” Honor told my mom.
“Nonsense,” my dad cut in. “You’re welcome anytime.”
“See? Please. Pretty please, with a cherry on top. I want
you to meet my Uncle Carter.”
“Carson,” I tried to dial back the begging.
“What, Daddy? I’m just asking.”
“No, you’re pestering. Honor may have plans or have to
work,” I told her.
“Do you?” Carson turned to Honor. “You don’t have to
work, right?”
Honor was fidgeting in her seat. I reached under the
table and grabbed her hand, squeezing it before I place it
on my thigh and covered it with mine.
“Thank you, Mrs. Lenox. I’d love to come.”
“Please call me Lily. It will be wonderful to have you
there.”
“Yay. Yay. Yay. Now I get to show Honor off to the
uncles.”
“Honor’s not a pony, Carson.” She jerked back in
confusion. “Saying you’re going to show her off is kinda
rude.”
“Sorry.”
Without missing a beat Honor pulled Carson into a hug
and snuggled her. “Nothing to be sorry for. I’m honored you
want to show me off, darlin’ but I’ll need you to make a list
of everyone for me. There are too many people for me to
remember.”
 “We’ll practice all week. We’ll start with Uncle Jasper
and Aunt Emily. They have most of the cousins.” Carson
went on to tell Honor all about “the cousins,” as she called
them.
By the time breakfast was over, I was ready to be alone
with Honor. My dad laughed and caught on quickly when I
told my mom not to clean the kitchen and tried to rush
them out the door. Carson, of course, took no urging. She
was ready and dancing around the door two seconds after
she’d swallowed the last bite of her waffle, completely
abandoning the donuts my mom and dad had brought.
“Thank you for breakfast, Honor.” My dad clapped his
meaty hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
“Yes, thank you. It was wonderful getting to know you.”
My mom, being the hugger in the family, pulled an
unwitting Honor into her embrace.
“Thank you for your help. Glad you stopped by.” Then
shyly she added. “Maybe we can do it again.”
“We’d love that, right, Lenox?”
“Right.” Once again, I got the look and I knew he
smelled blood.
Well, damn, so much for keeping Honor to myself.
Uncles Levi, Clark, and Jasper would know about her within
the hour. I swear to Christ they’re worse gossips than
teenage girls. Once my uncles knew, my aunts would know
shortly thereafter. And that meant, they’d converge on my
house like vultures circling their prey, trying to gather any
morsel of information they could.
The three of them piled into my dad’s truck, and I
slammed the front door.
“I thought they’d never leave.”
“Ethan!” Honor giggled. “That’s mean.”
“Smalls, I need you naked. Now.”
“Your bed or mine,” she asked.
“Mine.”
 “Race you.” She took off toward the stairs. I caught her
around the waist and tried to stall her. But she wiggled her
way out and, before I could reach for her again, she ripped
her T-shirt over her head and tossed it at my face.
“So it’s gonna be like that, huh?”
“Like what?” she asked, halfway up the stairs.
“Resorting to cheating.”
“If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying hard enough.”
She unclipped her bra and threw that at me as well.
“Keep teasing me, Honor, and you’ll pay for it later.”
I jogged up the stairs and found her standing next to my
bed pulling off her panties.
“I win,” she proudly announced.
“No, smalls. I win.”
“But I got here first,” she pouted.
“You did,” I confirmed and quickly undressed.
“Then how did you win?” She put her hands on her hips
and stood there, gloriously fucking naked, giving me
attitude.
“Bend over the bed, and I’ll show you how I’m the clear
winner.”
She did as I asked, and I dropped to my knees behind
her and without waiting, I licked her from clit to slit.
“Ethan,” she moaned.
With my tongue in her pussy I couldn’t answer. When
her ass started pushing back I stood. There would be a time
when I’d make her come in my mouth and by my hand, but
I was greedy and wanted to feel her orgasms around my
cock right now.
“You taste so fucking good,” I told her and rubbed the
head of my cock around her opening. She shoved back,
spearing herself, my fist holding my shaft stopping her from
sliding any farther.
“Honor.” I panted, her heat surrounding my bare flesh.
“Don’t move.”
 “Please.” She squirmed and started to pull back before
sliding back to my fist.
“I have to get a condom,” I tried to reason with her.
“IUD. We’re protected.”
She continued to slide herself up and down my cock,
only having a few inches to play with.
“Smalls.”
“Get one if you want, but we’re protected. I promise.”
“I’ve never . . .” I could barely form a rational thought
she felt so good. “Without a condom.”
“Me either. I want it. I want to feel you.”
Fuck it. I pulled my hand away as she shoved back, and
she took my length in a single push of her hips.
“Christ,” I shouted and gripped her hips. “You’re so
fucking hot without the barrier. I can feel everything.”
Honor’s body was still, and I could hear a hitch in her
breathing. “You okay?
“Holy shit. I wasn’t expecting you to move your hand.
You’re . . .”
“I’m what? Am I hurting you?” I started to pull out.
“No. I’m stretched, and you’re really deep this way. It
feels so good.”
It probably made me some kind of freak, but I leaned
back a little so I could see my uncovered cock sliding in
and out of her. I was playing a dangerous game watching;
each time I pulled out and saw my dick oiled with her
excitement, drove me closer to coming. The sight and the
new sensation of fucking her bare had me light-headed.
There was no way I was going to last this way.
“You feel incredible,” I told her.
“So do you. Please move.”
“I am,” I said, slowly thrusting in.
“Faster. Fuck me.”
Her words sent chills over my body.
“Goddamn, Honor!” I moaned. “I can’t. I’m gonna
come.”
 “Harder,” she pleaded.
“Reach down and rub your clit.” Her hand moved, and
so did mine. If I couldn’t see her touching herself I wanted
to feel it. With both our fingers on her clit it felt a little
dirty and a whole lot intimate. “Holy fuck, smalls. That’s so
hot.”
“You feel so, so, good, Ethan.”
I placed my hand back on her hip and started to quicken
my pace. She pushed back as I shoved forward. We were in
a perfect rhythm, our bodies moving as one. Heat started in
my balls and rushed up my spine.
“Oh, God,” she moaned and started to tighten around
my cock. I had to close my eyes and will myself not to
explode.
“Hurry, Honor. I’m close. I can’t stop it, you’re so
fucking tight around my cock. Nothing better. Slick and wet
and hot.”
Holy fuck, it was too much.
“I’m gonna—” she didn’t finish her sentence, instead she
groaned and shook. Her pussy clamped around my cock
before her inner muscles spasmed.
“Honor,” I shouted. “Shit. So fucking good. I’m gonna
come inside of you. Jesus.” I knew I wasn’t making any
sense, my thoughts a jumbled mess as my orgasm broke
free and every muscle in my body tightened. I wasn’t lying
when I told her there was nothing better. I’d never had an
orgasm leave me paralyzed. I couldn’t move as come shot
out of my cock, filling her until she was overflowing and our
combined juices were dripping down my balls onto the
floor. If she hadn’t already drained me, the thought of that
alone would’ve made me come.
“Holy shit,” she slurred. I shouldn’t have been so smug,
but I loved how breathy and satisfied she sounded. “I
wanna do it that way again. It was hot.”
“The view of your ass is stellar,” I told her. Instead of
trying to cover herself or shying away like some would do,
she wiggled, forcing more come to spill out.
“Glad you think so. The only bad part is I can’t see and
touch you. But your dick makes up for it.”
I was so shocked by her statement I couldn’t stop the
bark of laughter.
“Happy my dick could be of service.” I chuckled.
“I don’t know that I’d call it service so much as
pleasure.”
I pulled out, and the panic started.
I had not only fucked Honor without a condom but didn’t
even bother to pull out. Not that the pull and pray method
was reliable, but at least it would have been something.
But, no, I’d buried myself and let go without thought.
Shit.
Honor couldn’t get pregnant. I wouldn’t survive if she
wanted to give our baby away or worse, left me and took it
with her.
 10

I was uploading the last file to my client’s cloud server

when my phone rang, startling me.
I check the caller ID and smiled.
Ethan.
“Hey. What’s up?” I looked at the clock and noticed I’d
lost track of time. It was almost dinner time, and I didn’t
have anything planned.
“I have a favor.”
“Whatcha need?”
“Is there any way you can pick up Carson from my
parents’ house? I’m gonna be at least another two hours.
We collared the guy who’s been knocking over the liquor
stores. We’re still writing reports.”
“Sure. I can do it now.”
“Thanks. My parents have dinner plans, or I wouldn’t
ask.”
“You know you don’t have to apologize for asking me . . .
or thank me. I love spending time with Carson. It’s perfect
timing anyway; I just finished work. Would you like us to
bring you a sandwich? If you made an arrest, I bet you
skipped lunch.”
“Yeah, we did.” he chuckled. “If it wouldn’t be too much
trouble, I’d love one. Let me check with Lorenz and see if
he wants something. I’ll text you.”
“Okay. I’m leaving now.”
“Thanks, Honor.”
To say Ethan had pulled back may have been an
overstatement, but something had changed. Sunday,
everything was perfect. We’d made love three times before
Ethan went to pick up Carson and a pizza. We’d eaten
together, laughed, heard all about Carson’s day, and then
he’d kissed me good night and went up to his room. I’m not
sure what I’d been expecting but a quick kiss and a
goodnight wasn’t it.
As the week had progressed things had become, for a
lack of a better word, strange. He was still engaging in
small talk, and we ate dinner together. We’d even gone
back to my room every night and made love, but it was
different. It had lacked the passion and raw need he’d had
Sunday. The sex was still great, but it was like mentally
he’d checked out. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do.
Carson was waiting for me when I arrived at Ethan’s
parents’ house. As always, she was bouncing up and down
and happy. Lily apologized, explaining they had dinner
plans with Levi and Blake. When Lenox came into the living
room in a pair of slacks and button down, I noticed again
how much Ethan and him looked alike.
“Honor,” Lenox stopped me as Carson and I were
headed for the door. “I found this the other day and wanted
you to have it.”
Lenox handed me a photo. A group of men all dressed in
Army fatigues stood in front of an American flag. I scanned
the picture and picked my father out immediately.
“How did you get this?”
“That’s me,” he pointed to a much younger version of
himself. “Levi, Clark, and Jasper.” He moved his finger over
the picture pointing out each man.
“Where were you?”
 “That’s top secret,” he chuckled. “I thought you’d like
it.”
“Yes. Thank you. I only have one picture of my dad.”
“Well, now you have two. I’ll see if I have anything else.”
“Really, Lenox. Thank you.”
“My pleasure. You beautiful ladies have a nice evening.”
Without thought, I moved toward him and hugged him
as tightly as I could. Much to my surprise, he hugged me
back. Carson tugging on my hand, eager to get going,
ended the embrace, but not before Lenox graced me with a
smile. Holy hotness, it was easy to see where Ethan had
inherited his grin. Lily was a beauty and had contributed to
some of Ethan’s good looks, but he was his father’s son.
Ethan had already texted me to tell me he’d called in an
order at a sub shop around the corner from the station. All
I could think about on the drive to the restaurant was the
picture Lenox had given me. I was dying to get home and
study it more carefully. I didn’t know Buck Sully all that
well, and depending on who you spoke to, they’d tell you he
was a great hero or an absentee husband and father. My
guess was he was somewhere in the middle. I glanced in
the rearview mirror and looked at Carson. I was happy she
had a great dad.
With sandwiches in hand Carson and I walked into the
station. The desk clerk buzzed us through and gave me
directions to Ethan’s desk. Not that she needed to, Carson
led the way, telling me all about her Uncle Lorenz and Aunt
Maria. She told me they had dinner over there all the time,
and I wondered if that was part of Ethan’s problem. I’d
barged into his life and disrupted his routine. Not only with
Carson but with his friends too.
“Daddy,” Carson called out, and before I could stop her,
she took off across the room.
“Hey, Squirt.” He swung her up into his arms, and she
immediately started to wiggle out.
“Ouch. Your stuff is poking me.”
 He set her on her feet, and a tall, dark, and handsome
man cleared his throat before she beelined it towards him.
Whoa, what was it with all the good-looking men in this
town?
“Hiya, Princess Rose, long time no see. What, did you
forget about your old Uncle Lorenz?”
“No, silly. Meet Honor.” She pulled his hand forcing him
to turn in my direction.
His head swiveled between me and Ethan before landing
on me again. He pushed his hand in my direction.
“Oscar Lorenz,” he offered.
“Nice to finally meet you, Oscar. I’ve heard a lot about
you.”
“Same here, but it seems our boy here has been keeping
secrets from his partner.” He shook my hand, and I wasn’t
sure what his comment meant. He threw an accusatory
glance in Ethan’s direction. “Just all right, huh?” Lorenz
shook his head and turned back to me. “Thanks for coming
all the way down here with our dinner.”
“No problem.”
Ethan was still staring at me with the same funny look
he’d had all week. I was beginning to feel like a lab rat.
“I guess we’ll be on our way,” I announced to no one in
particular.
The look of indifference had changed, and Ethan’s gaze
went over my shoulder and looked pissed, really, really
pissed.
“What do we have here? Officer Shit-For-Brains has a
hot wife and a cute little girl.”
I quickly shoved Carson behind me, shielding her from
the handcuffed man’s view. The venom in his tone sent a
chill down my back.
“Keep walking, asshole,” Ethan said to the man, then to
the officer guiding the suspect. “Take him away.”
“Too late, Officer Ethan Lenox. I already saw them and
I’ll be out of lock up in under forty-eight hours.”
 Ethan moved with lightning speed and was in the man’s
face in a heartbeat.
“You threatening me, motherfucker?”
Carson stiffened behind me, and I reached back,
anchoring her tightly. I was stuck in place with nowhere to
go.
“Not a threat, officer. Just telling you, I’ll be walking out
of here soon.”
“This is your only warning. Stay the fuck away from my
family.”
“Or?” the man taunted.
“Or you’ll find yourself not breathing.”
“You threatening me?” The asshole had changed the
tone of his voice, trying to sound like a victim.
“Goddamn right I am.”
“We’ll see, copper.”
“Get this fucking dirtbag out of my sight,” Ethan
instructed.
When the officer behind the shit-talking perp gave him a
shove, he stumbled forward and disappeared around the
corner. As soon as the men were out of sight, Ethan stalked
straight to me and grasped my face, bringing his just
inches from mine.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I dismissed his question.
“Thank you.” He closed the distance and for the second
time he kissed me in front of Carson. Only this time it was
on my lips.
He released my cheeks and bent down, grabbing Carson
from behind me. “Are you okay, Squirt?”
“Yes. Honor hid me. Someone needs to wash that bad
man’s mouth out with soap for saying those bad words.”
I wondered if Carson realized it was Ethan who’d done
the cursing. I gathered not, considering I was looking right
at him while he spoke and I’d barely recognized his voice.
“I’m sorry.”
 “Gran and I baked a cake today. But we couldn’t eat it.
She said it was for Aunt Blake because it’s her favorite.”
And just like that, the bad guy was forgotten.
“I’m sure you ate plenty of other treats.”
“I cannot confirm nor deny that, Daddy. It’s top secret.”
Lorenz let out a belly laugh before he recovered and told
me. “Princess Rose, here, has the entire Lenox family
wrapped around her finger.”
“That she does. We’ll let you two get back to work. Your
mom said Carson still had spelling homework. We’ll throw
dinner together then work on it.”
“Thanks.” And Ethan smiled the first real smile I’d seen
since Sunday.
“Anytime, handsome. Let’s go, darlin’ we have bacon
wrapped chicken to make and spelling words to study.”
“Do I get a cookie if I get all my words right?”
“No. You already had a ton at Grans. You’ll get a high
five and you’ll get to pick the before-bedtime movie.”
“Deal.” Carson nodded.
“Deal,” I repeated. Ethan’s face was funny again.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’ll see you at home. Love you, Squirt. Be
good.”
“Always am. Love you, too, Daddy.”
I felt Ethan’s eyes boring into the back of my head as we
made our way out of the bullpen.
Hot and cold. Fine one minute, pensive the next. I had to
talk to him tonight. Good or bad something had to change.

D INNER WAS A HIT . Carson cleared her plate and told me how
much she loved bacon wrapped anything. I had to agree,
bacon made everything taste better. She aced her spelling
words and we watched Frozen until she fell asleep on the
couch. It wasn’t a moment too soon. If I had to listen to
Elsa sing one more time I was going to find ear plugs.
After I carried Carson up to bed and tucked her in I
finished cleaning up the kitchen and set the coffee for extra
early tomorrow. I’d been slacking on my runs and needed
to get back to it. I was finding I didn’t need the stress relief
pounding the pavement had always provided now that I
was getting a different kind of pounding. The thought made
my cheeks heat and my panties dampen. Even with Ethan’s
current mood fluctuations he was still phenomenal in bed
and always made sure I went first.
I’d sat on the couch, planning on waiting up for Ethan,
but within minutes my eyes were heavy and a nap until he
got home sounded good.
“Honor. Wake up.”
Ethan.
“I was having such a good dream.”
“What were you dreaming about?”
“We were on an island, just the three of us, and we were
playing Frisbee. I was winning.”
“Is that why it was a good dream, because you were
winning?” I heard him laugh and opened my eyes, not
wanting to miss him smiling.
“No. It was a good dream because I was with my two
favorite people and no one else was around. Just the three
of us.”
His smile faded, and I’d had enough.
“What’s wrong?” I asked and sat up.
“Nothing, smalls. It’s been a long day.”
I checked the clock, it was after ten, and he’d left the
house at seven to take Carson to school before he went to
work. It had been a long day, but that wasn’t it.
“I’m not talking about right now. I’m talking about all
week.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
 “Ethan, if this is going to work, we have to be honest
with each other. Even the uncomfortable stuff. And don’t
treat me like I’m stupid. You’ve been retreating since
Sunday. What happened? Am I doing something wrong with
Carson?”
He sat down next to me and was quiet for a long time.
“No. You’re great with Carson.”
“I feel like there’s a but attached to that sentence. Is
that a bad thing?”
“Kinda.”
His answer was like a physical blow straight to my
stomach. I loved what Carson and I were creating. It was
going to kill me if I had to pull back from her.
“Shit, Honor. No, it’s not. I don’t know. I can’t find the
right way to say it.”
“So why don’t you just blurt out what comes to mind.”
He thought for several moments before he answered. So
much for blurting it out.
“It’s always been just Carson and me.”
“I know,” I cut in.
“I thought it always would be. Now she has you, too. I’m
struggling with what to do with that.”
“What?”
“It’s not jealousy. I love watching the two of you
together. I love that she’s comfortable around you and asks
you to help her. I think that’s what’s hard. I love it, but at
the same time it scares the fuck out of me. What if
something happens and you leave?”
“Leave? I don’t want to leave, Ethan.”
“You say that now, but it could happen. And we haven’t
used protection since Sunday. What if you get pregnant?”
“Is this what the problem is? You’re afraid of me getting
pregnant?”
“No,” he emphatically answered. “Not because of the
reasons you’re thinking.”
 “First, I told you I have an IUD. Of course nothing’s
infallible, not even a condom.” I raised my eyebrow as a
reminder. “But if I were to get pregnant. We’d deal with it.”
“Deal with it?”
“Ethan. Tell me what’s wrong. Right now. You know I
didn’t mean deal with it as in not have it.”
“You’d keep it?”
“Yes. I want kids.”
His whole body relaxed, and right before my very eyes a
weight lifted from him.
“So, you’ve been acting weird because you were worried
I could be pregnant. And thought that if I were pregnant,
I’d run like Chrissy did. Either I wouldn’t have it, I’d leave
it with you, or I’d take it and you’d never see it.”
“Something like that.”
“I cannot believe you’d compare me to her.”
“I wasn’t. I just—”
“Yes, you were. I am not her. We are not sixteen. I don’t
pretend to know what the two of you went through. I can’t
pass judgement on her because she left you with the best
gift in the world. But I can tell you with my whole heart, I
would never leave my child. Not at sixteen, not at twenty-
three, not at thirty. So, Ethan, don’t you ever compare me
to Chrissy again. And next time you want to know
something, ask!”
“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Goddamn right you were. Now let’s talk about
condoms.” His lips twitched, and I felt my temper rise. “You
think this is funny?”
“No.” He smiled.
“I’m not smiling, Ethan. I’ve spent the last few days
worried I’d done something wrong. Afraid you were done
with me and didn’t know how to tell me.”
Ethan grabbed me, and I shrieked. Once he had me
straddling his thighs and we were face-to-face he started.
“I’m sorry I worried you. I told you when we started this I’d
fuck up. I did, and I’m apologizing. I should’ve talked to you
but, honestly, I couldn’t understand what was going on in
my head, so I couldn’t explain it to you. I don’t want you to
change a thing. You’re perfect and that in itself scares me. I
can’t lose you, Honor. I don’t want to use condoms. You
want the truth?” I nodded my head and braced. “I don’t
care if you get pregnant. Part of me has been hoping all
week your fucking IUD will somehow fall out, or break, or
however the hell an IUD can fail. I know that’s fucked up
and irresponsible, but I never wanted Carson to be an only
child. I just assumed she would be. When I was younger, I’d
always wanted a big family. I saw my parents and my aunts
and uncles with their kids and I wanted the next generation
to have what we all had. I was never lonely growing up,
there was always a cousin around to play with. It kills me
because I had Carson so young she’s missing out on that.”
“She’s not missing out on anything. She has all the
cousins.”
“Honor, my youngest cousin is ten years older than her.”
“So? They obviously give her plenty of attention because
all she talks about are them and your brother.”
“Out of everything I told you all you picked out was what
I said about Carson.”
“Because that was the only important part.”
“You’ve got nothing to say about me wanting to get you
pregnant?”
I had plenty to say but nothing I was willing to verbalize.
I should’ve told him he was nuts and anytime in the future
we had sex he was going to double up on the condoms, but
that wasn’t the way I felt. Maybe I was the one that was
nuts. Totally and completely off my rocker. We needed to
pump the brakes on the baby talk, however, I would be
lying if I said I didn’t like the fact he wanted me to be the
mother of his future children.
“Sorry to say, that is a non-topic, handsome. It can’t
happen, I’ve been assured by my doctor my IUD is exactly
where it needs to be and is good for another few years yet.”
“We should test it out, check the accuracy of the
device.”
He lifted his hips and pressed his hard-on between my
legs.
“Maybe we should.” I said returning his smile.
“We good?” he asked.
“I am as long as you are. And you promise never to
compare me to Chrissy again.”
“Promise,” he replied.
“Then take me to bed, handsome. Seeing you in your
uniform does crazy things to me.”
He stood, and I wrapped my legs around his back.
“You have a thing for men in uniform?”
“No. Just you in yours.”
“Good answer.”
He walked us to my room, kicked the door closed, locked
it, and tossed me on the bed.
“I love coming home to you.”
“It’s the best part of my day.”
While I undressed I watched as he stripped out of his
uniform. I was sorry to see it come off, but the more flesh
he exposed the less sorry I became.
He crawled into bed and was kissing me when it dawned
on me, he hadn’t asked about Carson. He trusted me with
the most valuable thing in his life—his daughter.
 11

“W e don’t have to stay long,” I told Honor.

“Ethan, I’ll be fine. Are you sure you
want me to go?”
Of course I wanted her to go. To use Carson’s words, I
wanted to show her off to my family. More than that, I
wanted her to get to know everyone. But there were a lot of
us, and it was going to be overwhelming.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Then stop worrying. Carson has given me the rundown
and she even quizzed me on who’s who.” Honor laughed.
“How did you do?”
“Not well. You have eight cousins and two of them are
married. Plus, your three aunts and uncles, your parents,
and your brother. I think I have everyone’s names down but
once Carson started with ages and occupations I failed.”
“If it gets to be too much, just tell me.”
I didn’t know why I was so worried. My family was cool,
they’d pull her into the fold and make her feel right at
home. Maybe that’s what I was afraid of. Either they’d
scare her off, or she’d be another level deeper into my life.
Making the pain even more unbearable if she left.
The other night when Honor had called me out on my
shit, she’d smoothed the rough edges, but I still felt out of
sorts. It was like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My gut was screaming at me that something bad was going
to happen. It was only a matter of time before my life was
pulled out from under me. I couldn’t shake the feeling.
“Stop worrying. I won’t embarrass you, I promise.”
“Smalls, you’ve met my parents. There’s nothing you
could say or do that would embarrass me. My family is loud
and the best group of people I know.”
“What in the world is taking Carson so long? Carter’s
already at my parents’ she’s normally bouncing off the
walls, begging to go.”
Honor took my hand in hers and looked from the stairs
to me.
“She’ll be right down. She’s finishing a surprise for your
parents.”
“A surprise?”
“Just a little something she wanted to put together. It’s
more for your mom, really.”
“Did you have something to do with this surprise?”
“Maybe.”
I stepped closer and took advantage of our rare moment
of privacy and kissed her. “Thank you.”
“Wow. If I get kissed like that every time I help Carson
with a project, I’m helping more.”
“Honor!” Carson yelled. “I need help. Come quick.”
“Duty calls, handsome.”
Honor jogged up the stairs to help Carson, and, not for
the first time, I was stunned. My daughter had called for
Honor—not me. Even after Honor and I talked about it, I
still couldn’t find the right words to express how I felt. I
certainly wasn’t jealous of her. I wanted Carson to forge
her own relationship with Honor. I wanted them to have
something special between them. But it didn’t make the
twinge in my heart any easier to take.
My phone beeped in my pocket, and I pulled it out to
find Carter had texted.
 Carter: Where the fuck are you, jackass?
Me: Christ you’re impatient. Be there in 20.
Carter: Hurry up. I’m dying to meet your woman. Fair
warning, Mom is planning a full-court press. She’s pulled
out all the stops to cement Honor to the fam.
Me: Fucking hell. What’s she up to? Will there be a
minister to marry us too?
Carter: Marry? That was a jump, brother. Something
you’re thinking about?
Me: Fuck off. See you in 20.
Marry Honor?
It was way too soon to even think about marriage. I
grabbed a water from the kitchen and thought about it
some more. Why was thinking about marrying her so crazy
when a few days ago, I admitted I wouldn’t mind if she got
pregnant. I was so confused, I needed my head examined
and I needed to stop allowing my brother to crawl in my
mind and play his games.
“Ready,” Carson announced.
On the drive to my parents’ house Carson continued to
give Honor a rundown of our family. By the time Carson
was done even I was confused about who was who and I
knew all of them. I had no idea Carson knew so much about
our family history. She even knew my mom had been taken
by bad guys, and my dad had had to save her. When the
hell had my mom or dad told her that story? They didn’t tell
me and Carter the story of how they met, separated, and
reunited until we were teenagers.
The block was full of cars by the time we pulled up. My
cousin Nick was getting out of his truck, helping his wife
Meadow down when he noticed and waved.
“That’s Nick,” I told Honor. “His wife is Meadow.”
“Meadow has a scar on her face,” Carson added. “She’s
so brave. A bad, bad woman hurt her really bad, and
Cousin Nick saved her. He’s brave, too. He’s a Special
Agent.”
 Honor fidgeted for a moment before she turned to me.
“FBI, right? He was working a serial case and Meadow
was a victim, turned witness, turn victim again. They used
to live in Virginia.”
“Correct.”
Honor turned in her seat and gave Carson a high five.
“Bam! I remembered.”
Both of my girls giggled, and I cut the engine.
“Ready?”
“Yep.”
“I am. I want to go swimming,” Carson added.
Nick and Meadow were waiting for us when we made
our way to the front porch.
“Ethan. Good to see you. I heard you made an arrest on
the liquor store robberies.”
“We did. Caught him on his seventh hit. His sheet’s a
mile long, he shouldn’t have been walking the streets.”
“No work talk,” Meadow said.
“You got it, Red.” Nick smiled at his wife.
“Nick. Meadow. This is Honor Sullivan.”
The three of them exchanged pleasantries before Nick
scooped up Carson and walked to the door. When I’d
announced to the family I was going to have a child I’d
been most worried about Nick and Meadow’s reaction.
They’d wanted kids, but due to Meadow’s attack she was
unable to have children. And there I was, way too young
and in no way ready, but I was having one by accident.
When they moved to Georgia, they’d started talking to
adoption agencies after I’d explained I couldn’t and
wouldn’t give up Carson. Neither of them had been
anything other than supportive, but I still wonder if the
timing was like a slap in the face.
We stepped into the foyer, and I pulled up short,
stopping Honor in the process. The house was utter chaos.
I let the sight of my family wrap around me. I lived for
these barbeques. We’d been having them for as long as I
could remember. Normally, they were for no special reason.
But today, I was nervous. I’d never brought a woman to a
family gathering. They were sacred, my time to connect
with the people who meant the most to me. I’d never met
anyone I’d wanted to bring into the inner circle—until
Honor.
“There are so many people here,” Honor murmured.
“If you get overwhelmed, tell me.”
“There you are,” Carter said. “Why the fuck are you
standing in the doorway?”
“Nice. Honor meet my brother, Carter.”
Carter stood an inch taller than me but other than that
we were matched in size. And no one would doubt we were
brothers. Much to my mother’s delight, we both looked just
like our father. Lily Lenox always bragged about how she
had the best-looking men in Georgia. I’d always thought
she had to say that about me and Carter because we were
her sons. Then middle school came, and both of us got our
share of attention. But high school was when I’d realized
the opposite sex appreciated the Lenox genes.
He was sizing Honor up, and if I didn’t know his secret, I
would’ve warned him to take his eyes off my woman. But I
knew something the rest of the family didn’t know. I was
about fifteen when he told me, making Carter around
seventeen. He made me promise to never tell. To this day, I
think the secret is stupid. No one would care. There is one
thing this family wants and that is for everyone to be happy.
And the thing Carter isn’t, is happy. He had a bad ass job as
a Navy SEAL, had great friends, but had zero personal life.
And if the same thing rings true at twenty-six as it did when
he was seventeen, he was a choir boy. Considering his
SEAL platoon calls him Church, I’d bet it was still the case.
“Nice to meet you,” Honor broke the silence.
“You, too. Come on in, Mom’s been waiting for you,” he
told her.
Mom?
 Not my mom, not our mom—just Mom.
“There you two are. I thought I saw Carson running
down to the basement.”
And, it was too late, my mom had found us.
“Hi, Lily,” Honor beamed. “Do you need any help?”
“Yes. Come on and leave the boys to catch up I’ll
introduce you around.”
“Okay.”
Before my mom could lead her away I stopped her,
looked around, and not seeing Carson, I brushed my lips
against hers. “Please don’t let them scare you away.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I let my mom steer her in the direction of my aunts,
Emily, Regan, and Blake, and sighed. Nothing like baptism
by fire.
“You’re fucked,” Carter said.
“Come again?”
“You won’t see Honor the rest of the day. Mom thinks
she’s hit the jackpot. One of her sons has finally given her a
daughter.”
“I think you’re exaggerating a little.”
“Am I?”
“You realize I’ve known her like a minute, right?”
“And?”
“It’s a little too soon.”
“Do you remember the stories the uncles told about
meeting their women?”
“How could I forget?”
My uncles told those stories any chance they could.
There was a lesson about bravery, family, and love in each
union.
“So then you know it is not too soon. Ethan, the fact
she’s here, and you allow her and Carson to spend time
together tells me you already know. If you’d get out of your
own head for two seconds, you’d see it. Mom and Dad do. I
do.”
 “You met her for like two seconds,” I reminded him.
“That’s all it took. Two seconds and I knew.”
I wondered if he was talking about him or me. He’d been
in love with Delaney Walker for nearly ten years. I
understood why he hadn’t said anything when he was
seventeen and she was fourteen, but now? He refused to
believe the family would accept it. His excuse being she
was our cousin. But she wasn’t—not really. Not by blood.
Just because we grew up with Jasper, Clark, and Levi as our
honorary uncles didn’t mean we were related in any way.
And he was crazy if he thought we all didn’t know she
returned his feelings.
“You know she loves you, right?”
“We’re not talking about me,” he deflected.
“Why not? You never want to talk about you. It’s time we
do.”
Over the years there’d been a lot that had changed
about my brother, one of those things was his carefree
personality and another was he’d perfected my father’s
glare. He could bring a man low with just a look.
“I’m leaving in a few days,” he told me.
“Fuck. Where?”
“Back to Africa.”
“How long?”
“At least six months.”
Fuck. The news was going to kill my mom.
“Mom?”
“I haven’t told her yet. Dad knows. I’m sure he’s told the
uncles. But I wanted Mom to have her day before I dropped
the bomb.”
“And Delaney?”
“She knows, too.”
So, Carter was still in contact with her, more so than he
wanted me to know.
“How is she?”
 “Same as she always is when I leave. Scared, upset,
crying.” Carter faced me and for the first time he tore his
mask away and let me see his pain. “It fucking guts me.
Every. Single. Time. Now do you understand why I can’t
have her? I want her happy and smiling every day. Not
worried if her man is coming home or waiting for months to
hear from me. She deserves better.”
“That’s her choice, Carter. She’s loved you since she was
fourteen. And I can’t think of a better man for her.”
“Wrong. It’s my choice. I told her yesterday it was time
to move on. She needs to stop wasting her life waiting on
something that’s never going to happen.”
“Wait. Have the two of you . . .”
I wasn’t sure how to phrase my question without
sounding crude.
“Yes.”
“Holy fuck,” I whispered. “You never told me that. How
long?”
“Years.”
“Boys,” my dad interrupted. “You tell him?”
“Yeah,” Carter answered.
“Not a word to your mother. I want her to enjoy
introducing Honor to everyone.”
“Why does everyone keep making a big deal out of this?”
“Because, it is a big deal. My future daughter is meeting
the family for the first time.”
Carter chuckled and pounded my back a few times
before he walked away to mingle with the crowd. I caught
Honor across the room talking to my Aunt Emily. They were
laughing but that’s not what had my attention. My gaze
went lower to Carson’s hand in Honor’s.
The love that had taken root and had started to blossom,
exploded in my chest. I was no longer able to deny it.
Honor was mine.
 12

“W hat’s this?” Lily asked.

“Open it, Gran, it’s a surprise,” Carson
told her. “Honor helped me make it.”
“I’ll take this out to the table,” Emily said, picking up a
tray of burger fixings.
“Thanks, Em.” Then Lily took the surprise from Carson
and inspected the wrapping. “Did you do this all by
yourself?”
“Yep.” Carson stood a little taller. “All Honor did was
hold the sides, so I could tape it.”
“Is there any tape left on the roll?” Ethan asked, joining
us in the kitchen.
“Yes!” Carson declared, and I shook my head in the
negative.
“What’s the occasion?” Lenox asked.
“Honor said you don’t have to wait for birthdays to give
presents. Sometimes you can do it just because. To show
someone you love them. So I made Gran a just-because
surprise.”
“That was nice, Squirt.”
“I thought so, too.” Carson proudly smiled.
The gift had been her idea, I only helped with the
execution.
 Lily tore through the paper and gasped.
“Carson Rose!”
“Do you like it, Gran?”
“I couldn’t love it more.”
“Do you see? It spells love.”
Lily held up the sign for Ethan to see.
“Are those pictures from Savannah?” Ethan asked
inspecting the letters.
“Yep. Honor printed them out. She taught me how to
mod . . .”
“Mod podge,” I reminded her.
“We mod podged the pictures to the letters and painted
the wood. Honor said she had to glue the letters to the
wood because the glue was poison and I couldn’t touch it.
See?” Carson proudly pointed to the piece of wood then to
the black and white photos of her and Ethan that covered
the L-O-V-E. “It’s me and Daddy.”
“This is the best present I’ve ever received,” Lily
announced with tears in her eyes.
“I take exception to that,” Lenox said. “You told me the
diamond earrings I gave you last Christmas were the best
present.”
He winked at Carson.
“Well, now this is,” Lily huffed. “Lenox get a hammer I
know just where I want it.”
“Now? We have a house full of people, woman.”
“Yes, right now.”
Lenox tromped out, muttering something under his
breath. He wasn’t fooling anyone. He’d do anything to
make Lily happy, including hanging a photo collage in the
middle of a party. By the time Lenox returned Ethan still
hadn’t said anything, and I worried I’d overstepped. Lenox
and Carson followed Lily into the living room.
“Do you like it?”
“No.” His answer wiped the smile off my face.
“No?”
 “There are no pictures of you.”
“Me? Why would I put a picture of myself on the sign?
It’s supposed to be about family.”
“I want you guys to make a new one. With pictures of
you included.”
“Ethan, I don’t have any pictures of myself.”
“I do.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, unlocked
it, tapped the screen. “Here,” he said, handing it to me.
There was a picture of Carson and me with our heads
together looking at the back of my camera. We were in
Savannah.
“I didn’t know you took that.”
“There’s more,” he told me.
I scrolled through the images and there were dozens
and dozens of pictures of me with Carson. Us cooking, me
showing Carson how to use my camera, us reading, some
images I didn’t know what we’d been doing but we were
smiling at each other. Then there were the ones of me
alone, I was never looking at the camera. He’d captured me
doing everyday things around the house, including
vacuuming.
But there were none of Ethan and me.
“Why did you take these?”
“I remembered what you said at the park the first day I
met you. I’ll never forget those moments but I still wanted
the reminder. I like knowing I can pull up one of those
pictures and see your beautiful face and remember how
happy you make Carson and me.”
“Thank you. I want these, all of them. I don’t have any of
Carson and me.”
“I want those on a new sign for our home.”
“Okay,” I whispered, afraid if I spoke any louder my
voice would give away how much it meant to me that he
wanted to include me in his family pictures.
“Will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow?” he asked.
 “Of course. We should go to the pizza place with the Pac
Man game. Carson loves it there.”
“Just the two of us. I want to take you out.”
“Like, on a date?” I laughed.
I lived with him, we’d been sleeping together for weeks,
and we’d already talked about both of us wanting to keep
moving our relationship forward. Wasn’t it a little late to
start dating?
“Exactly like a date. We’ve never been out just the two
of us.”
“I appreciate you offering. But we get time alone
together every night.” Ethan smirked, and I continued.
“You know what I mean. With you comes the awesome
bonus of Carson. We don’t need to leave her out.”
Ethan stalked toward me and I retreated until my back
hit the fridge. His hands came to my face like they always
did when he wanted my undivided attention.
“Will you please do me the honor of going on a date with
me?”
“Since you asked so sweetly, handsome, I’d love, too.”
“Smartass.”
Then in his parents’ kitchen he kissed me. He hadn’t
looked around to see if anyone was watching or where
Carson was, he simply devoured my mouth.
“Get a room,” Ethan’s cousin Jackson said.
Ethan slowed the kiss and pulled away, flipping Jackson
off he stepped away from me.
“Did Quinn leave?” Ethan asked.
“Yeah. She had a date.” Jackson’s face turned to stone.
I’d already been told that Jackson Clark and Quinn
Walker were the best of friends. They had been since they
were in diapers. By the look on Jackson’s face I guess he
wasn’t happy she was dating someone. Ethan had told me
he was overprotective of her, but I hadn’t fully understood
just how much.
“With whom?” Ethan joined in Jackson’s distaste.
 “Bobby Reynolds.”
“Bang ’em Bobby?” Ethan asked.
“One in the same. I already warned him I’d break his
fucking legs he tried any of his normal shit with Quinn.”
“Who’s trying what with my daughter?” Jasper Walker
asked.
“Banging Bobby Reynolds,” Jackson told him. The name
alone told Jasper the who and the what. Everyone in the
area knew Bobby’s reputation.
“Did you give him the talk?” Jasper asked.
“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Jackson sneered.
“Good man. Thanks for always watching out for her.”
Jasper clapped Jackson on the shoulder and opened the
fridge. “Honor would you like a beer?”
“Yes, please.”
He twisted the top off before he handed it to me.
“Em told me she invited you and Ethan over for dinner
next week.”
“She did. I haven’t had a chance to talk to Ethan about it
yet.”
“Ethan?” Jasper lifted a questioning brow.
“We’ll be there,” he answered.
“Good. We’ll see you guys outside.”
“What, you’re not gonna offer us a beer, Uncle Jasper?”
Ethan laughed.
“You got two arms.”
“Funny how ‘the look’ works just as well now as it did
when we were kids,” Ethan joked.
“Damn right. I’m going to eat before there’s nothing
left.” Jackson made his way to the back door.
“He’s right. We better hurry.”
I WAS SITTING on the back deck, beer in hand, watching the
guys throwing a football around, Carson chasing whomever
had the ball. I don’t think she cared much about what team
she was supposed to be on. As long as she could jump on
whoever caught it, she was smiling.
Lily, Emily, Reagan, Blake, and the Walker girls, minus
Quinn, all sat down at the table I was sitting at.
“This feels familiar,” Lily commented.
“It does. Only the first time we sat on this deck together
we were watching the guys put together a swing set,”
Emily mused.
“It was a nice sight wasn’t it? If I remember correctly,
Jasper had his shirt off and was flexing, trying to get your
attention,” Lily continued.
“He got it all right. It was hot as Hades. Jasper had
sweat . . .”
“Gross. Please stop,” Delaney Walker complained.
“My ears are bleeding, Mom,” her sister Hadley added.
“I’ll need therapy for many years if I hear how hot my
father is,” Adalynn Walker put in.
“Sorry, girls, but your father is pretty hot,” Emily poked.
The older women all laughed when the Walker girls
groaned.
I had to agree with Emily, Jasper was hot. So were Clark
and Levi. If the men looked this good in their fifties I
couldn’t image what they’d looked like when they’d met
their wives.
“Kayla’s cancer is back,” Emily whispered.
“No!” Lily gasped. “How long?”
“Awhile. They told us last night, but they’ve known for a
bit. She’s decided not to do treatments this time.”
I heard the Walker girls sniff, and I felt like I was
encroaching on a very private family discussion. When
Carson gave me the Cliff Notes version of her family as she
knew it, she’d mentioned that Jason Walker’s wife, Kayla,
was very sick when they got married, but she’d gotten
better and all was well. Sadly, Carson’s intel was out of
date.
“What? Why? She fought so hard the first time,” Blake
said.
“And second,” Adalynn reminded them.
“That’s exactly why. The doctor told her that at this
point there’s nothing left to do,” Emily informed them. “She
wants what time she has left not to be spent in the
hospital.”
“How long?” Reagan asked.
“Not long. Maybe a couple of months. Tops.”
Tears pricked the corner of my eyes, and I mentally went
through the pictures I’d taken today. I knew I had some of
Jason and Kayla but made a note to take more.
The women continued to talk, however I’d gone back to
watching the football game. Carson was slowing down, the
ball was being passed, and she was no longer running after
the receiver. When she looked over at me I knew something
was wrong.
I stood but before I could go to her she was running
straight for me.
“Honor,” she panted.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t feel good,” she whined.
“All right. Let’s go sit down.”
That’s when it happened, my introduction to
motherhood—sort of.
Carson sat on my lap, cuddled in, and then threw up all
over me. All. Over. Me. Everything she’d eaten all day was
on my chest and lap. Pieces of vomit were in my hair as
well.
She retched again, and I was able to move her to the
side, and, luckily, most of it hit the concrete, but my shoes
were now covered as well.
Chairs scraped all around us. The Walker girls bolted
before they got hit. Someone ran inside the house, and Lily
stood beside me.
“Shit,” Ethan mumbled when he got to us. “I’m so sorry,
Honor.”
“You feeling better, darlin’?” I asked Carson, ignoring
Ethan.
“A little.”
“Good. We’ll sit here a second before we clean you up.”
“I’m sorry,” she cried.
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
I couldn’t hug her without smooshing the vomit covering
us but I wanted too. I hated that she was crying.
“Here,” Lily handed me a wet wash cloth, and I wiped
Carson’s face.
“That was for you.” Lily chuckled.
“You wanna come with Gran, and I’ll get you in a bath
and all cleaned up?”
“No. I want Honor to do it.”
Lily recoiled and placed her hand on her chest as tears
started rolling down her cheeks. Lenox came to her side
and tucked her in close. But through her tears she was
smiling. Ethan looked from me to Carson and to his
parents. A look passed between him and his dad.
And in some weird Lenox language only they knew,
Lenox said, “Bone-deep.”
Lily buried her face in Lenox’s chest and her body
shook. I felt like I was missing something big and maybe if I
hadn’t been covered in vomit, I would’ve been able to
decipher their family code, but I was, so I couldn’t.
“Bone-deep,” Ethan echoed.

A FTER I’ D CLEANED up and changed into gym clothes

Delaney had in her car, I gave Carson a bath and helped
her into a pair of jammies and we called it a night.
 I said goodbye to everyone and was overwhelmed by
their kindness. Ethan was lucky he had such a great family.
We were finally at the door when Lily pulled me in for a
hug and held on tightly.
“Thank you.”
“I didn’t do much.”
“You, sweet girl, have done everything.”
Before I could answer she pulled away and moved into
her husband’s embrace.
“Thanks, guys. We’ll see you later. Sorry for the mess.”
“Not the first, won’t be the last,” Lenox responded.
“Ready to go home?” Ethan asked Carson.
“Yes.”
But instead of taking Ethan’s hand she grabbed mine.
“Will you lay down with me when we get home?”
“Sure will, darlin’, right after you drink down a special
cup of tea to make your tummy feel better.”
Lily sniffed, Ethan cleared his throat, and Lenox smiled.
There was something in the water, they’d all gone batty.
 13

“Y ou sure you still want to do this?” Honor asked.

“Carson is fine,” I told her for the tenth
time. “No fever. She hasn’t been sick since
yesterday. It was all the crap she ate then the running
around.”
“Okay. If you’re sure. You know better than me.”
“I’m sure. Carter will be here any minute and he wants
time with Carson, anyway.”
With all the commotion last night I hadn’t been able to
tell Honor why my brother wanted some one-on-one time
with his niece.
I still wasn’t sure what to make of last night and how
Honor had handled everything like a rock star. She hadn’t
missed a beat. Most women who’d just been thrown up on
would’ve had a fit. Not, Honor. She calmly sat with my
daughter on her lap and comforted her. Even though I knew
she probably wanted to gag. God knew I did. That shit was
gross, and had been everywhere.
As soon as Carter walked in the door I’d ushered Honor
out. Part of me had been afraid I was going to be stood up,
and she’d opt to stay home to make sure Carson was okay.
That wasn’t happening, though. Honor had disappeared
into her room about an hour ago and had emerged looking
stunning. She always looked great, but, tonight, she had on
a little extra makeup and her hair was pulled up in a fancy
twist, showing off her sexy neck. It would be a bloody
miracle if I could make it through dinner without sporting a
hard-on. She even wore the bracelets Carson had given her
to wear for our date.
I’d been scared shitless to tell my eight-year-old I was
going out with Honor. It would’ve been laughable the way
I’d stumbled over my words had the situation not been so
serious. Carson had simply shrugged like it was no big
deal. When I’d asked her if she had any questions, she’d
asked if we’d bring home ice cream if she was good.
Against my better judgement, I said yes. Call it guilt for
going on my first date since she was born.
“This is really nice, Ethan.” Honor noted when I pulled
up to the valet.
“Let me open your door,” I warned when she went for
the door handle.
The valet opened my door, handing me a ticket, and I
rounded the hood to Honor’s side.
“Thank you, handsome.”
The lighting in the restaurant was dim, the dark blue
walls making it even more so.
“Have you been here before?” she asked.
“No.”
After a quick exchange with the hostess we were seated
and greeted by our server, an older gentleman, who’d
flirted shamelessly with Honor. He took our drink order,
and we looked over the menu.
“Ethan—”
“Don’t, Honor. Don’t look at the prices, just order what
you want. And I swear to Christ if you order a salad
because it’s inexpensive I’m introducing you to spankings
when we get home.”
The thought of my hand smacking her ass had me
inhaling through my nose, trying to calm my very perverted
thoughts.
“You can’t say that to me.”
“I just did.”
“But—”
“Honor.” I heard from behind me. Her eyes left mine and
she directed her gaze over my shoulder. The color drained
from her face, and she sat up straighter. “If it isn’t my
wayward daughter.”
Daughter? Honor’s father was dead. I scooted my chair
back and stood. I couldn’t have been more shocked if Buck
Sully had come back from the dead and was standing there
himself.
Standing I said, “Congressman Harris.” When I noticed
his son standing beside him I added, “Sam.”
“Officer . . .”
“Lenox,” I supplied.
“That’s right. Officer Lenox. Honor, aren’t you going to
come say hello to your father?”
What the fuck? I shot a look at Honor and she looked
worse than Carson did last night after she’d puked all over
my parents’ patio. She stood, nearly knocking her chair
over, then walked around the table and stopped by my side.
“Hello, Frank,” she offered.
“You know, your fiancé has been trying to get a hold of
you. I must tell you, I’m disappointed in your behavior. I
thought you’d have more class than to abandon your duties.
“Don’t you ever call him that again.”
Congressman Harris’s eyes narrowed to slits. “You
seemed to have forgotten your place, young lady.”
He stepped closer, and I pulled Honor back. “I think it’s
time you leave, Officer Lenox. This is a private family
matter.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I informed him. Sam was still
standing in the same place; his eyes had not moved from
Honor.
“You will if you don’t want me calling your captain.”
 “You can call whoever the fuck you want, but I’m not
leaving here without my woman.”
“Your woman?” Sam spoke for the first time.
“What are you, a Neanderthal?” the congressman asked.
“Disappointed, indeed, Honor. This is the type of man you
consort with?”
“Please leave, Frank. I made myself clear when I moved
out. I want nothing to do with you. Ever.”
“You mean, ran away. Leaving your poor fiancé to worry
about you.”
Honor’s face went from white to red, and she snapped.
“I told you to never to call him that again. I never agreed to
marry that man. That was your plan. I told you then, and
I’m telling you now, I will never, ever marry him. I don’t
care about your political games. I don’t care about you, and
I never cared about your son. Leave me alone, Frank, or I
swear I’ll scream from the rooftops about what a piece of
shit Congressman Franklin Harris really is. If you think I
don’t have pictures of you sneaking your whores in before
my mom was dead, you’re wrong. What do you think your
adoring public would think about the hookers you brought
home the night you buried my mother?
“Consider this our final goodbye.”
“You’ll be sorry.”
“The only thing I’m sorry about is that my beautiful
mother married you. Stay away from me. Please take me
home, Ethan.”
“I’ll give you twenty-four hours to rethink your position.”
“You’re done.” I stepped between Frank and Honor.
“She’s made herself clear. She doesn’t want to hear from
you or your son again. You will respect that.”
“Ethan Lenox. I know all about you—low-class trash. You
knocked up your high school girlfriend, dropped out of
school shortly after, and later joined the police force. You
do not want to go up against me. Cut your losses, kid, and
move on. Honor has an obligation to this family. One she
will fulfill.”
“Like hell she will. Now move out of the way and don’t
contact her again. She doesn’t need twenty-four hours to
think about anything.”
“We’ll see.” The smug bastard crossed his arms over his
chest and stepped to the side.
“Yeah. We will.”
I reached behind me and Honor took my hand, when I
brought her to my side and tucked her under my arm she
pushed close and tried to hide her face. I wished like hell
we were someplace private and not in a restaurant full of
people. Frank needed to be taught a lesson, one I was more
than happy to teach him. But nothing good would come
from me delivering the ass whooping he deserved in a
crowded room full of witnesses.
I didn’t know what the fuck family obligation meant, but
I didn’t like the way my woman was shaking and was so
scared she was trying to disappear.
My truck was pulled around, and I had to peel her arms
from around me to get her into the Yukon.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. I’m so sorry.”
“Let’s just get you in, smalls.”
“Ethan—”
“Give me a minute.”
I was trying to get my temper in check. I didn’t want to
say something I’d regret later and with how angry I was,
nothing nice was going to come out of my mouth. Not
wanting to go home yet, I drove around until I found a semi
abandoned parking lot and parked.
“I’m sorry,” she said again.
Fucking hell, she obviously wasn’t going to respect my
need for silence.
“Wanna tell me what that was about?”
“No.”
 “Right. So, all the talk about honesty, even the
uncomfortable stuff was bullshit. You want the truth from
me while you keep secrets, like the fact you’re fucking
engaged.”
“I’m not engaged. I said I didn’t want to talk about it,
not that I wouldn’t.”
“Let’s have it, Honor. Tell me why Harris said you were
engaged. And don’t fucking lie to me. I want the whole
truth.”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think he’d ever be a
problem.”
“So, there is something to tell?”
“No. My mom married Frank. From the beginning I
didn’t like him or Sam. At first, I thought Sam was gay, then
I caught him watching me. It was weird and gross. I told
my mom about it, but she blew it off and said he was just a
spoiled, lonely kid who had a crush. I knew he went into my
room when I wasn’t home. I could never prove it, but I just
knew. We were teenagers, and I didn’t want to think about
what he did in there.”
“Your mom never talked to Frank about Sam’s
behavior?”
“Not that I knew of, and even if she did, it wouldn’t have
done any good. Sam was perfect in Frank’s eyes. He has
been grooming him for politics since he was a kid. What
Sam wants, Sam gets. No one will stand in Frank’s way
when it comes to giving him anything and everything.”
As a police officer, I didn’t like what Honor was telling
me. I’d witnessed firsthand how Sam looked at Honor, and
it was creepy as fuck. Adding that to what I already knew
about him from my shifts on his protection detail, I had a
bad feeling.
“And the man who you’re supposed to marry? Who is
he?”
“Greg Wells is a city council member in Atlanta. Frank
says he has potential and he’s friends with his father. I
don’t know whose idea it was, but one day Frank
announced I was going to marry Greg. I said no. He pushed
and threatened to kick me out if I didn’t agree. It was a no
brainer, I was leaving. I should’ve left right after my mom
died but I didn’t.”
“Tell me about when your mom died.”
The hurt that crossed her face was maddening. I hated
that I had to make her talk about something so painful, but
I didn’t have a choice. Her mother had obviously played a
part in the story.
“My mom was alive one day, and the next she was gone.
Literally and figuratively. We hadn’t even buried her yet
and Frank ordered the staff to get rid of all her belongings.
I was so fucking sad and broken I didn’t have it in me to
stop them when they packed up her clothes and got rid of
them. In a moment of defiance, I went into my mom’s room
and went through what was left of her stuff, taking things
that meant something to me. Earrings she’d had before
Frank, her favorite lipstick, silly stuff really. None of it had
any monetary value. But I knew Frank would be mad I’d
taken it. He was trying to get rid of any evidence my
mother ever lived there. I also found a small box in the attic
with my mom’s name on it. I should’ve moved out that day,
but I couldn’t.
“If you hated him so much and Sam made you
uncomfortable why would you stay in the house?”
That was the part that had me confused. She’d been
over eighteen and had graduated high school, she didn’t
have to stay there.
“Ethan, you’ll never know what it feels like to have no
one. I had nothing. No family to help. My friends were not
in the position to offer assistance, not that I would’ve
asked. I had to suck it up if I wanted to finish school. I
needed time to plan. After paying tuition I had no money
left to move out. And as strange as this sounds, as much as
I hated Frank and that house, I could still remember my
mom there. Us in the kitchen, her in her sewing room, I
wasn’t ready to give up the last place I’d seen or spoken to
my mom.”
She was right, I didn’t know what it was like not to have
my family in my corner. Mine had always been there to
support and guide me. And not just my parents, my
extended family as well. I couldn’t begin to imagine what I
would’ve done at sixteen if my parents hadn’t been around.
“You paid your tuition? Harris is loaded, why didn’t he
pay?”
“Control. He would’ve, but there were strings, and lots
of them. I wanted no part of his demands. So, I paid, and he
and Sam sat back and laughed as I struggled, dangling
money in front of me, trying to get me to cave. I never did.
The only thing I took from Frank was the roof over my
head.”
“Why did you finally leave?”
A look of disgust crossed her face, and I braced for the
answer.
“One night, Frank came home red-hot pissed and said he
was tired of me stalling. Greg wanted to announce our
engagement, and I had twenty-four hours to get my shit
together and meet with the Wells family. And if that wasn’t
bad enough, he had a contract outlining my wifely duties.”
“I’m afraid to ask what the contract said.”
“It listed, in detail, what my duties were as a wife.” Her
voice had gone flat. “How many times a week I was to
provide sex, oral and vaginal. Birth control was at Greg’s
discretion. The list was disgusting. Who the fuck has to
order their wife to have sex with them? I would be given a
monthly allowance; however all bookkeeping was to be
done by the family’s accountant and every penny was to be
accounted for. I had no right to exit the marriage. Reading
it made my skin crawl.”
“What the fuck?”
 I wished I could turn back time and beat the holy shit
out of them both. Witnesses be damned.
If I’d thought this situation was bad before, it had just
crossed the line to fucked.
 14

M y head was spinning from seeing Frank and

Sam. Adding to my discomfort
embarrassment was having to tell Ethan about
and

Frank’s plan. To Frank I was nothing more than a whore he

could trade for political gain. And Sam, desperate for
Frank’s approval, went along with anything his father said.
“What did they say when you told them you wouldn’t
agree to marry Greg?”
“The same thing he said in the restaurant. It was my
obligation to my family.”
“What did he say when you left?”
“Nothing. I just packed my stuff and drove off. I had no
reason to say goodbye. I’d already given him an answer and
I didn’t owe him any further explanation. I only took what
belonged to me and my mom and walked out the door.”
“The bed,” he mumbled.
Shit on a shingle he was putting it together. I supposed
it didn’t make a difference at this point, I’d already been
completely humiliated, but it still stung having him know
how destitute I’d been. Not that I was that much better off
now, but I did own a bed, nightstand, and dresser.
Furniture I’d purchased with money I’d earned. I was able
to pay my rent and still save money. I wasn’t swimming in
it, however, my prints were selling and my design business
was growing. I was proud of what I’d accomplished.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hurt shone on his face and I
didn’t know how to explain it had nothing to do with me not
trusting him and everything to do with me not wanting to
admit I was worthless. According to Frank and Sam my
only value as a person was an indentured sex slave for
Greg. That was what they thought of me. Frank thought I
owed him a debt and he was going to collect.
“Because I never wanted to think about it again. I didn’t
think it was a big deal.”
“A big deal? Did you really think Frank was going to let
it go?”
“Yes. I figured he’d move on.”
“Clearly you were wrong. You understand that now,
right?”
“Clearly. I’m not stupid, Ethan. I know a threat when I
hear one. That’s why I think I need to move. Leave Georgia
all together. I thought I’d moved far enough away I’d never
see him again. I was wrong.”
I don’t know why I’d said I should move. It wasn’t
something I’d planned on saying. It just spewed out before
I could think about the ramifications of my words.
“Move? Are you fucking serious?” Ethan was pissed,
really pissed.
“I don’t want my problems touching you or Carson. He’s
right, his reach is long. He could cause a lot of problems for
you at the station. We have to think about Carson.”
“I’m not worried about my job, Honor. Fuck my job. I’m
worried about you.”
“He can’t do anything to me. I don’t have anything to
lose. What do you think he’ll do? Kidnap me and hold me
hostage until I agree to marry Greg? He’s not that crazy.”
“He’s not? He had a goddamn contract drawn up
outlining when you were to fuck Greg. If that’s not crazy I
don’t know what is. I wouldn’t put anything past that
lunatic. And I don’t like the way Sam looks at you. There’s
something wrong with him, he’s fucking nuts, too. There’s
no way you’re going anywhere. I’ll talk to my dad and
Lorenz, and we’ll go from there.”
“No! You can’t tell your dad.”
Panic clawed at my chest, and the oxygen was ripped
from my lungs.
“Why not?”
“You don’t get it. I never wanted you to know what was
going on in Frank’s house. I didn’t have the picture-perfect
family you have. I didn’t grow up with loving parents. I had
a philandering stepfather who fucked whores in his study
while his wife slept in the room above. I had a stepbrother
that more than likely jerked off on my bed or went through
my clothes hamper and smelled my panties. Do you think I
really want your dad to know where I come from?”
“Where you come from? Do you think that little of my
family?”
“God, no.” What could I say to make him understand?
“I’m embarrassed. Can you put yourself in my shoes for two
seconds and think about how humiliating it is? I want them
to think I’m good enough for you.”
“Good enough for me? Jesus, Honor. You realize I am
exactly what Frank said I was. I knocked up my high school
girlfriend. I dropped out and had to finish my education at
home because I was taking care of an infant. I didn’t walk
across some stage and graduate. I had to go to a testing
center and take the high school equivalency exam. I don’t
even have a regular diploma. Do you think less of me
because of my past choices?”
Was he crazy? I respected him for all he’d sacrificed and
done for Carson.
“No!”
“Then why would anyone think less of you for something
that wasn’t your choice? Everything that is happening is on
Frank. Nothing’s your fault.”
 “It sure feels like it is. Not to mention I brought this shit
to your doorstep.”
Ethan sighed and grabbed my hand.
“You didn’t bring anything. They did.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“I understand why you didn’t, but, in the future, don’t
hide shit from me. A very smart woman once told me the
only way to make a relationship work is by being honest. Is
there anything else you need to tell me?”
“No. That’s all.”
“Okay. Are you hungry?” he asked.
“Do you forgive me?”
“There’s really nothing to forgive. I wish you would’ve
trusted me enough to tell me.” I started to protest but he
silenced me. “But I get it. We’re still working out the kinks,
getting to know each other. How about we try another
restaurant and finish our date?”
“Sounds perfect.”

M UCH LATER THAT NIGHT , after Ethan had made love to me,
sweetly we were lying in bed and I was tucked into his side,
my arm over his chest and my thigh over his, I thought
about his question from earlier.
“I lied in the car when you asked me if there was
anything else I needed to tell you.” His body stiffened
under mine, and I quickly continued. “There is one more
thing; I love you.”
He didn’t relax like I thought he would but instead he
rolled me to my back and loomed over me.
“Say it again,” he demanded.
“I love you.” This time he closed his eyes and smiled.
He settled over me and hitched my leg over his hip.
“I love you, too.”
 “You don’t have to—”
My words were silenced when he kissed me. And when
he slid inside of me I gasped at the force of his thrust.
“Guess I should be ashamed about how easy I gave it up
on our first date, huh?”
Ethan slowed his pace and, in a magical moment I’ll
never forget, threw his head back and laughed. His body
shook with hilarity and it was one instance I didn’t need a
photograph to always remember the beauty he’d given me.
I’d never, ever, forget it.
 15

“D addy, did you sign me up for cheer camp?”

This was the third time Carson had asked in
as many days.
“Yes, Squirt, I did. What’s wrong?”
“Um, nothing . . .”
“Was that a question? It sounds like something.”
“Sorry. Sorry I’m late. It’s so hot out there already, the
last half-mile was brutal,” Honor said, shutting the front
door behind her. “Give me one second and we’ll start the
pancakes.”
“Gran and Pop will be here in ten minutes,” Carson
reminded her.
“I know. I’ll be right back.”
Honor scurried off to her room, leaving me with a
worried Carson.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Is Honor going to be my mom?”
“What?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I was not prepared to have this conversation with my
daughter. The last time we talked about moms she was five
and had come home from kindergarten in tears because
someone had teased her about not having a mom like
everyone else. I’d never wanted to kick a five-year-old’s ass
so badly. That was a hard talk to have. I went with my gut
and explained as gently as I could why Chrissy had left. I
made sure to tell Carson that while Chrissy wasn’t ready to
be a mom she loved her so much and wanted her to have
the best life possible. Maybe it was odd, but Carson never
asked about Chrissy after that. And I’d watched for any
signs Carson might have needed to talk about it. My
parents did as well. However it never looked like it’d
bothered her.
“I was thinking . . .” she started. I didn’t say anything, I
simply waited for her to gather her thoughts. “Now that we
have Honor I don’t need to go to cheer camp.”
That was a change of subject.
“Why’s that?”
“Cheer camp is summer camp. I have to go to summer
camp because school is out, and you work. But now we
have Honor.” She said the last part like I was dumb,
enunciating her words.
“Squirt, Honor isn’t our live-in babysitter, and she works
too.”
“That’s why I asked if Honor was going to be my mom.
Moms don’t babysit their own kids, do they?”
Fuck.
A clatter behind me had me flying out of my chair,
turning to see what’d happened.
“Hi, Honor. Ready to make the pancakes?”
Honor looked . . . freaked out. Carson was giving me
whiplash. Not to mention she’d dropped a nuclear bomb
big enough to take out all the European Continent and was
now talking about pancakes. And there was a knock on the
door. Jesus!
“I’ll, um, get the door. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Honor picked up the brush she’d dropped and practically
ran for the front door. Not that I blamed her. I’d be
surprised if she returned.
 My dad came into the dining room and looked between
Carson and me. “What’s going on? Why does Honor look—”
“Nothing.” I cut him off.
I thought I’d been spared any further questioning, but
when my mom and Honor came in, holy fuck, had I been
wrong.
“You ready to make pancakes?” my mom asked.
“Yep.”
“Good.” Then my mom, being a super-sleuth-female,
sniffed something was amiss with her tribe and had to ask,
“What’s wrong? What are you guys talking about?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Gran. We were just talking about how
I didn’t need to go to cheer camp this summer if Honor is
going to be my mom.”
I thought all the air had been sucked from the room
when both women inhaled like it was the last breath they’d
ever take. My father was stone-faced. And Carson was
smiling, like she’d simply solved this summer’s issue with
where she would go while I was at work.
“What?” Carson asked looking at all the adults in the
room like we’d grown three heads.
“Nothing, darlin’. Let’s hurry and mix the batter up. I’m
starving.”
“Okay. I set everything on the counter like you asked.”
“Perfect. We’ll have them whipped up in no time, and
Gran can man the griddle.”
“What’s a griddle?”
“Let’s go into the kitchen, and I’ll show you.” Honor’s
hand shook as she reached for Carson. “Ethan. Lenox.
Would either of you like a cup of coffee.”
My dad just stared, Stunned, I swallowed the lump in my
throat, but Honor didn’t miss a beat. Neither of us
answered, but she forged on like we had. “Great. I’ll bring
you both out a cup.”
Honor and Carson went into the kitchen, however, the
rest of us were glued in place.
 “What the fuck just happened?” I whispered.
“I think you know what happened,” my dad answered.
“No, dad. I don’t know. What am I supposed to tell
Carson? Honor is freaked the fuck out, not that I blame
her.”
“Tell Carson the truth. And the last thing Honor is, is
freaked out.”
“And the truth is?”
“That, yes, one day Honor will be her mom,” my mom
answered.
“Seriously? That’s all you have? She’s eight,” I reminded
them. “I can’t tell her that.”
Honor came back and placed two cups of coffee on the
table, sliding the cup of black coffee toward my dad, and
the slightly blonde one in front of me.
“Already put your sugar in it, Lenox.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey.” I grabbed her hand before she could walk back
into the kitchen.
Honor looked down at me and shifted her head to the
side, and, suddenly, I wasn’t sure why I’d stopped her or
what I wanted to say.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“It’s just coffee, handsome.”
“No. Thank you for not freaking out and running a mile.”
“Lucky for you I already did three this morning.” Honor
winked and walked back into the kitchen leaving me with
my chuckling dad.
“I’m gonna help the girls.” My mom excused herself.
“I see it’s starting to sink in,” my dad said.
“Please don’t start talking in riddles. I haven’t even
finished my first cup of coffee.”
“Fine, I’ll lay it out for you. That woman in there loves
you and loves your daughter. Straight up, Ethan, she’s not
freaked out, she’s not gonna run out on you and Carson,
but she’s looking to you for direction. So the question is,
how are you gonna play it? Sit on the fence and twiddle
your thumbs or are you going to claim it and fight to keep
it?”
There was another knock at the door, and before I could
get up Honor yelled out. “I’ll get it.”
Now was not a good time for someone to come to my
door and try to sell me something. I didn’t want to buy Girl
Scout cookies, I didn’t want to find God, and I didn’t want
to install solar panels. What I did want to do was figure out
how I was going to have a very important conversation with
my daughter and woman.
“Ethan. There’s a woman at the door who would like to
speak to you. She said her name is Christina,” Honor told
me and walked back into the kitchen.
“Did she ask for me or the homeowner?”
“You. Ethan Lenox.”
Christina? I didn’t know anyone named Christina.
With my irritation at an all-time high, I stomped to the
door like a two-year-old, pouting. I opened the door and my
irritation morphed into red-hot rage.
“What the fuck?”
I stepped onto the porch, closing the door behind me.
“That’s the greeting I thought I’d receive,” she said.
“What the hell are you doing here, Chrissy?”
“Wow. No one’s called me that in a long time.” Her lips
tipped up in a tentative smile.
“Did you come all this way to talk about what people are
calling you now?”
“I need to talk to you. May I come in?”
“Hell no. And there’s nothing we need to talk about.”
“There is, Ethan. We need to talk about our daughter.”
Was she out of her fucking mind? I knew this day would
come. I fucking knew it. It didn’t matter that Chrissy had
signed away her parental rights, that she’d refused to hold
or even look at Carson, I knew the day would come when
she’d have a change of heart and show up. In actuality I
was shocked it had taken this long.
“You mean, my daughter. The child you signed away
your rights to,” I reminded her.
“You don’t need to be so cruel.”
“Cruel? I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. You
were there, remember?”
“I was sixteen.” Chrissy began to cry.
“So was I. Yet, I stepped up. I took responsibility for my
child. I took her home by myself and learned how to be a
parent, both her mom and dad. I stayed up nights with her.
I’ve raised her. You chose to leave. It’s been eight years.
You’re too late.”
“You had your family. My parents told me they’d disown
me, I wouldn’t have had any help.”
“Bullshit. I asked you to marry me. I offered you a way
to keep her. You knew damn well my parents would’ve
never turned their backs on us. We could’ve made it work.
But that’s not what you wanted.”
The tiniest part of me felt bad for her. I couldn’t imagine
what she’d felt all these years, knowing she had a daughter
she’d never know. That was one of the many reasons I
couldn’t have given Carson up for adoption. I wouldn’t have
been able to live knowing my daughter was out there
somewhere.
“What do you want, Chrissy?”
“I want to see her.” She was still crying, as a matter of
fact, she looked like she’d been crying before I’d even
opened the door.
“Why?”
“I just want to see what she looks like.”
“And then what?”
“I’ll go back to California.”
The empathy I’d felt for her quickly dissipated. It wasn’t
bad enough she’d left Carson once, now she was willing to
do it again. Only this time it would have lasting
implications.
“Are you fucking serious? Anywhere in your thought
process did you think about Carson? What it would mean
for her if she saw you?”
“Of course. I thought she’d like to know who her mom
is.”
“Jesus H. Christ. Really? Never gonna happen, Chrissy,
go home.”
“I came all this way, and you won’t let me see her? Why
not?”
“The fact I have to explain this to you is the very reason
I won’t let you see her.”
“Why are you being so unreasonable?”
I thought I was being perfectly reasonable. I was
standing outside having a conversation rather than just
slamming the door in her face like I should’ve.
“Do you have children?”
“No.”
“Right. I figured, because if you were a mother you
wouldn’t be standing on my porch on a Sunday morning
asking if you can just see her then leave and go on your
merry way without a care or concern what it would do to
her after you left. The questions she’d have, the
abandonment she’d feel, the hurt. No, if you were a mother,
you’d understand how incredibly selfish you’re being.”
“I have a right to see her.”
“No, you don’t. You signed that away. And, had you
started this conversation differently, I would’ve at least
entertained the idea of you meeting Carson. But she’s not
an object you look at, ooh and ah over how pretty it is, and
then set back on the shelf and leave it. Don’t come back
here, Chrissy, you won’t like what happens next.”
“Please!”
“I’m serious, Chrissy. Leave. Go back to your life and
don’t ever knock on my door again.”
 “I can’t. I wonder about her. Is she okay? Is she happy?
Does she miss me?”
I took a deep cleansing breath and looked at the woman
in front of me. Christina was very different from the
carefree Chrissy I’d been infatuated with. She was still a
beautiful woman, but the brightness had dimmed. I didn’t
know from what and I didn’t care enough to ask. There had
been a time when I would’ve pulled her into my arms and
comforted her. However, she’d killed any of those feeling
when she shut me out after she told me she was pregnant.
A little over eight-years ago I’d asked her to marry me and
now I felt nothing for her.
I wondered if it would’ve gone differently if she’d
knocked on my door before I’d met Honor. Would I have
been more receptive to Chrissy showing up? Hell to the no,
I would’ve been doing the same thing, telling her to pound
the pavement and never darken my door again.
“She’s happy. She’s loved. She has a good life and a
large, adoring family. She wants for nothing, emotionally or
otherwise. That’s all you need to know.”
“If you change your mind, I’m staying a few days.”
“I won’t.”
“But—”
“No buts. I told you everything I’m going to.” Then I
found myself repeating the last words I’d spoken to her in
the delivery room. “Take care of yourself.”
I didn’t bother to wait for her response or for her to
plead with me to see Carson. I walked back into the house
and closed the door.
Not surprisingly, my dad was standing there waiting for
me. His demeanor matching my own—furious.
“Did you hear?” I asked.
“Every word.”
“Did the girls?” I prayed my dad had shielded them from
knowing who was at the door.
 “No. Pancakes are on the table. We’ll talk after
breakfast.”
I’d like to say that walking into the dining room and
seeing Carson and Honor already at the table smiling and
happy soothed my anger, but it didn’t. What had been a
great source of joy for me had now changed into dread.
This was the beginning of the end. I could feel it,
something was very wrong.
 16

L ily was closely watching every move Ethan made.

He’d barely eaten his breakfast and snapped at her
when she’d asked if he was on nights this week,
which earned him a warning growl from Lenox. Carson had
chattered away throughout the meal but for the first time,
Ethan wasn’t paying attention to her. She’d even had to call
his name and repeat her questions.
That was unheard of; Ethan was present. Always.
Whoever had been at the door had shaken him. I wondered
if it was an ex-girlfriend. She was beautiful, maybe he was
now having seconds thoughts about us. Logically I knew
she couldn’t be an ex, he’d told me he hadn’t dated since
Carson was born, but some women saw sex as a
relationship. Then there was the possibility he’d lied. I
didn’t know what the problem was, but the house felt
stifling.
“He’ll be fine,” Lily whispered, rather unconvincingly.
“Who was at the door?” I asked, handing her the dish I’d
washed so she could dry it and put it away.
She placed the plate in the cabinet before turning
toward me, resting her hip against the counter. I should’ve
known from the look that crossed her face it was going to
be bad. However, I could never have guessed how bad.
 “Chrissy.”
“What?” The glass I’d been washing slipped from my
hand, landing in the sink with a clatter. “Chrissy Chrissy?” I
whispered.
“Yes.”
This wasn’t happening. Chrissy was worse than any
made up girlfriend I’d pictured in my mind. Chrissy
showing up was the worst possible thing that could have
happened. Did she want Carson?
“Where’s Carson?”
Before I could go in search of her, just to see with my
own eyes she was in the house and fine, Lily stopped me.
“She’s out back with Lenox and Ethan.”
“Should they be outside? What if Chrissy tries to take
her?”
“Chrissy may be a lot of things, what she isn’t is stupid
enough to jump the fence and take on Ethan and his dad.”
I was being silly, but fear had wound around my heart
and was threatening to stop it from beating.
“You’re right. I’m over reacting.”
“No, you’re reacting exactly how a mother who’s
protecting her child would.”
“But I’m not her mom, Chrissy is.”
Lily sighed and grabbed my hand, abandoning the
cleanup. She led me to the couch and pulled me down
beside her.
“I think you know how much you mean to our family. So
it won’t come as a shock to you that we are thrilled to have
you in our lives—in Ethan and Carson’s lives. I want you to
remember that when I tell you this story. Neither Ethan nor
Lenox know this, it’s the only secret I’ve ever kept from my
family.” Lily checked over her shoulder before she started.
“After Ethan told us Chrissy was pregnant and she wanted
to give the baby up for adoption, I went to the Krier’s house
to talk to Chrissy and her mom. I told Chrissy if she wanted
to keep the baby, Lenox and I would help them financially.
Mrs. Krier had a fit. The woman was in hysterics, saying
she wanted her daughter to go to college and a child would
ruin her life. She was having no part of Chrissy and Ethan
keeping the baby. She stormed out of the house leaving me
alone with Chrissy, who was really the person I wanted to
talk to anyway. They may’ve been sixteen, but the decision
was theirs, not the Krier’s nor mine or Lenox’s.
“After Chrissy calmed down, I asked her what she
wanted. I told her flat out we would welcome her into our
home if she wanted the baby. She admitted adoption was
her choice. She was very adamant she didn’t want to be a
mom. She also confided in me, she didn’t want children
when she grew up either. She wanted to be a doctor and
was very passionate about medicine. She is one, by the way.
She was awarded a full scholarship and completed her
undergrad in three years. She finished medical school and
went on to do her residency in a research hospital. I don’t
know why she was here, but I don’t think it’s because she
wants to take Carson.”
“Ethan?”
“No. With Ethan comes Carson. This may not paint
Ethan in a very good light, but he didn’t love her. He thinks
I don’t know this, but Chrissy told me he asked her to
marry him. I wanted to smack my son but at the same time
I was proud he was trying to do what he thought was right.
They could’ve raised Carson as friends, he didn’t need to
marry someone he didn’t love.”
“She said no,” I told her something she obviously knew.
“She did, because she didn’t want to be tied to him or
the baby. Chrissy just wanted out.”
I glanced out the window and saw Ethan and Lenox
headed for the back door.
“Thank you for talking to me,” I said, knowing our time
was running out.
“Anytime, sweet girl, and we’ll talk about what Carson
asked when this latest shit storm blows over.” I smiled at
Lily’s choice of words. It sounded like something Lenox
would say. “But I have to know, is that something you want?
To be Carson’s mom.”
“Very much, yes.”
“That’s what I thought.” She patted my knee and stood.
“Let me help you finish cleaning up before we head home.”
We were entering the kitchen when the back door
opened, and Carson came running to me.
“Are we gonna go to the park and take more pictures of
the giant magnolias?” Carson asked.
“As soon as we’re done—”
“Not today, Squirt. Something came up at work, and
you’re gonna go with Gran and Pop to their house.”
“But, Daddy. Honor was going to let me take pictures
today. Can’t she watch me while you’re at work. I always go
to Gran and Pops.”
“Not today. I’m sure Honor is busy later.” Ethan turned
to me, and I was brought back to the day I’d met him in the
park. The stare was the same, full protective mode and a
whole lot pissed off.
“We’ll do it another day, darlin’, promise. But we have to
follow daddy’s rules, and he said today he wants you to go
to Gran’s house. We’ll take pictures another day.”
“Fine.” Carson stomped off to the stairs.
I bit my tongue until she was out of sight, then, uncaring
Ethan’s parents were in the room, I let him have it.
“Don’t you ever do that shit to me again,” I seethed.
“What shit?” he shot back with the same irritation I’d
given him.
“You know what you just did. I had plans with her today.
You changed your mind about letting me take her to the
park. Fine. You’re her dad. But don’t blame that on me and
tell her I’m busy. I’m never too busy for her, and what you
did was total bullshit.”
“Bad move, son.” Lenox added.
“It seems to me everyone has forgotten I’m her father.”
 Shit on a shingle, that hurt. It hurt so badly and so
deeply, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.
“Don’t worry, Ethan, I’ll never forget that you are her
father. Lily, thanks for your help cleaning up. Lenox, it was
nice seeing you.”
I hightailed it to my room and gently shut the door as
the first tear fell.
Screw him!
A little while later there was a knock on my door and I
was debating whether to answer it when Ethan opened it.
Ass.
“I’m leaving. I don’t know what time I’ll be home, so
don’t bother waiting for us to eat. My parents are taking
Carson to dinner.”
Jerk.
“You have time to explain to me what’s crawled up your
ass?”
I wanted to kick him in the balls when he looked at me
as if I was annoying him by asking.
“Nothing’s crawled up my ass. I made a decision about
where I wanted my daughter to go while I was at work and
suddenly there’s a problem with it.”
“Seriously? The problem was you told your daughter I
was too busy for her. How the hell do you think that makes
her feel? Huh? Especially after what she asked about this
morning.”
“So, that’s what this is about? I’ll be talking to Carson
about that tonight.”
“And what are you going to tell her?”
“The truth. I’m her dad. And I’m not ready to entertain
the idea of anyone being her mom.”
“Entertain? You’re unbelievable.”
“Listen, Honor, this is moving way too fast. We need to
dial it back and slow down.”
The tears that had stopped were now welling up again.
My whole life I’d sucked at hiding my emotions and anger
was the worst.
“Why?”
“We just need to slow down. I’m not ready for this.
Everything is moving too fast. I was wrong, I can’t do this.”
“This? You can’t do this? You mean you and me? You
were worried about me leaving you and now you’re the one
running.”
“I’m not doing anything but saying we need to slow
down.”
“Why was Chrissy here?” I changed the subject.
“It’s not important.”
“I think it is. Everything was great until she showed up.
No secrets remember?”
“That’s rich coming from you, don’t you think?”
Dick.
“Have a good shift, Ethan. Be safe.”
I laid back down and gave him my back, effectively
ending the conversation. Nothing good was going to come
from us talking anymore. He was . . . whatever he was, and
I was hurt. If we moved forward one day, I may regret my
next words no matter how good they’d feel to say at that
moment.
“See you tomorrow.”
Ouch!
He closed my door, and I heard him leave.
I didn’t see Carson or Ethan that evening. Instead I went
to bed alone in the house, devastated, and completely
heart-broken.
 17

“Y ou’ve got a bad attitude tonight,” Lorenz told

me.
We’d had a shit shift. One call after another
had come in, and we’d skipped taking a dinner break when
a disturbing the peace call came through. The guy was a
jackass. All he had to do was turn down the music. Instead
he wanted to give attitude, which made me think of Honor,
and that pissed me the fuck off. Over the last eight hours
she was never far from my thoughts, and that pissed me off,
too. I should’ve been thinking about Chrissy and what her
surprise appearance meant for Carson. But, instead, I was
more concerned with what I’d said to Honor and the look of
anguish I’d caused. Fuck, I was an asshole. Even knowing
I’d been a dick, I couldn’t bring myself to call her and
apologize.
“Me? He kicked the fucking speaker at me.”
“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit? He didn’t
kick it at you, he kicked it, and it happened to land near
you. You turned a desk appearance into an arrest.”
“Whatever. He kicked the fucking speaker. He should’ve
turned it down when we asked.”
“Christ, what’s twisted your nipples tonight? Trouble in
paradise?”
 “Funny.”
“Nothing’s funny from where I’m standing. Something
happen with Carson?”
Lorenz was a good friend, always looking out for Carson
and me. He was a father, he’d understand.
“Carson asked if Honor was going to be her mom.”
“And? That’s got you jamming some poor guy up on
resisting arrest when he didn’t turn his radio down fast
enough? Not tracking, friend.”
“Then not even two-fucking-minutes later Chrissy Krier
shows up at my house. Asking if she could see Carson. Just
see her. Not be a part of her life. Not spend time with her.
No visitation. She wanted to see her then bolt her ass back
to wherever she lives.”
“You’re shitting me? Tell me you’re fucking shitting me.”
“Wish I were.”
“What’d you tell her?”
“Who Carson or Chrissy?”
“The bitch,” he replied.
“Told her to beat rocks and never come back.”
“You think she’ll listen?”
Lorenz had asked the million-dollar question. My
deepest fear was Chrissy would come back and upend my
daughter’s life.
“Got me.”
“What did Honor say?”
“About Chrissy?”
“Jesus. Yes, about Chrissy showing up.”
“Didn’t talk to her about it.”
“Come again?” He rocked back on his heels and gave me
a dirty look. “Let me see if I understand this. Honor’s been
in your house two months—give or take. You’ve been
sleeping with her nearly that long, you’re in love with her,
and your daughter is close to her. Close enough, she’s
asking if Honor’s gonna be her mom. The woman who
donated her eggs in the creation of your child shows up at
your house, and you didn’t talk to Honor about it?”
“Nope.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Not a damn thing. I need to wrap my head around
what’s going on before I talk to anyone. Besides, I told
Honor we need to slow this shit down. Things are moving
too fast, Carson could get hurt.”
“This shit,” he spit out. “You mean, Carson or you?”
Both. Me. Fuck. I didn’t know how to answer that.
“Hell if I know.”
“You have a thirty-minute drive home. I suggest you
figure this shit out. And by that, I mean, pull your head out
of your ass. I’m dog tired and goin’ home. Let me know if
you need any help getting Chrissy gone.”
“Thanks.”
Ten minutes later I was heading out the back door and
found my dad leaning against the side of my Tahoe, like I
was a teenager needing a ride home.
What the fuck?
“Dad,” I greeted when I made it to my car.
“We need to talk.”
“Can it wait? I just had my ass handed to me by Lorenz,
and my shift sucked. I just wanna go get Carson and go
home.”
“I never took you as a quitter.”
Guess we were talking about this now.
“I’m not quitting anything.”
“Right. If I were a betting man, I’d put my house up that
today, after we left, you ended things with Honor or
something just as stupid.”
“Good thing you don’t bet then, because you would’ve
lost your house.” My dad held my gaze, not believing me. “I
didn’t end things. I told her we needed to slow down.
Carson’s getting too attached, and I have to figure out what
Chrissy’s up to.”
 “Right, that falls into the “something equally as stupid”
category. I see you’ve found your shield.”
“I’m not fucking hiding. Carson is—”
“Just fine. Happy. Healthy. Thriving. She loves Honor.
What more do you want?”
“That’s just it. She loves Honor. What if something
happens, and she bolts?”
“Then you fucking fight to make her stay.”
Why the hell was everyone on my case? Couldn’t they
see I was trying to do what was best for my child? I thought
my parents would be happy I was being responsible and
putting my daughter’s needs before my own. I was right.
“It’s not that simple, Dad.”
“It is. Besides, she’s not bolting–you are.”
“I couldn’t even make the girl who was carrying my
child stay. There was supposed to be some sort of bond
between us. Fuck!” I pulled at my hair until pain radiated
over my scalp. “Goddamn it. We love her. If she leaves us,
we’ll break. Both of us. Chrissy showing up today reminded
me I fucking failed. I couldn’t even give my kid the one
thing all children should have—a mom.”
“Honor is not Chrissy.”
“I know that. She’s more. She’s the woman I could love
for the rest of my life. She’s the mom I want Carson to
have. She’s my bone-deep, I know it. But if she doesn’t feel
the same way, Carson will be crushed, it will rip my heart
out, and I won’t survive.”
“It’s called trust, Ethan. You need to learn to trust her.”
“I do.”
“No you don’t, not the way you should. I trust your
mother with my life. I trust that she’ll never leave me. Love
is a choice, son. I wake up every morning and I choose to
love your mom. And every night when we go to bed, I
choose her again. The thought of her not being there
doesn’t cross my mind; it’s an impossibility.”
“I need time.”
 “No, you don’t. The longer this festers the worse it will
be, the deeper the hurt, the harder to fix. I didn’t drag my
ass all the way across town and stand outside for an hour
because it can wait. Honor Sullivan will love you and
Carson until her dying breath if you let her.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I see it in all the little things she does. I see
how she searches you out. How she watches Carson. I see
how she’s always got her finger on the pulse of her family.
The girl is as see-through as they come.”
“Appreciate you taking the time to come down here. I’ll
think about what you said.”
“Ethan—”
“Dad. I’ll think about it. Thank you for always having my
back, but I have to work this out for myself. I need to
think.”
“Fair enough.” My dad clapped me on the shoulder and
made his way to his truck.
I had thirty minutes to think about what my dad and
Lorenz had said before I had to face my mom. On the drive
over, I’d tried to devise a plan where my dad brought
Carson out of the house for me, so I could hide like a pussy.
My mom had no issue giving me the hot side of her tongue
if I pissed her off, and her guilt-trips were second to none.
I’d told my dad I’d think about what he’d told me, but the
truth was, I didn’t want to think about anything. I wanted
to go home, fall into bed, and stop thinking altogether.
Everything was a mess. If I tried to sort it out tonight, I’d
get nowhere.
All too soon I pulled into my parents’ driveway. My dad
met me at my truck, and we walked in together. My mom’s
eyes came to mine, and she brought her finger to her
mouth shushing me. Carson was asleep on the couch next
to her. Perfect. That meant we couldn’t talk.
I picked Carson up and when my mom stood I kissed her
cheek.
 “Thanks, Mom.”
She reached up stroked the side of my face.
“I hope you know how much I love you, Ethan. I want
nothing but happiness for you,” she whispered.
“I do, Mama.”
“Then you’ll know how much it pains me to say this, to
my baby boy—you’re an ass. Let Honor in. And don’t let
Chrissy steal the rest of your life. There was nothing you
could’ve done to change her mind. She didn’t want my
beautiful granddaughter then, and she doesn’t want her
now. Do you know anything about her? Ever looked her
up?”
I assumed my mom was talking about Chrissy, so I
answered in the negative. I’d never been curious enough to
do an internet search.
“She didn’t stop living, Ethan. She’s a doctor and doing
well for herself.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I couldn’t give a rat’s
fucking ass how well Chrissy was doing.
“When are you going to start living yours? You had a
child, you weren’t sentenced to a life without love and
happiness. Go home and make things right with Honor.”
Despite my mom’s harsh words her hand had never
stopped gently rubbing my face. Where my dad could pin
me with a hard stare, my mom’s eyes always softened when
she delivered her lectures.
“I appreciate your concern, but I have to figure this out
on my own, and like I told Dad and Lorenz, I need time to
do that.”
“Don’t take too long. I can tell you from personal
experience the longer the separation stretches the harder it
is to mend the hurt. Often, time is the last thing you need.
Seconds and minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and
next thing you know days have become weeks. Time is a
funny thing, Ethan. It passes you by whether you want it to
or not. While you’re thinking, time is wasting. Hours can be
filled with the most precious and treasured memories, or
the loneliest void. Please remember while you’re thinking,
so is she. And her thoughts will turn into insecurity and
doubt. And you’ll have done that to her.”
My mom removed her hand from my cheek and stepped
back. After a quick goodbye I put Carson in the truck and
headed home. I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom
had said about Chrissy. The petty, juvenile part of me was
jealous she’d gone on with her life. She didn’t have a care
in the world. Chrissy hadn’t put her life on hold for her
child. She’d graduated high school with her friends and had
gone to college—medical school even; she was a doctor
now. She’d accomplished what she’d told me she wanted to.
During one of the many post-sex talks we’d had as we’d lain
on a blanket in the back of my truck, looking up at the
stars, she’d told me all about her dreams. Neither one of us
was under the illusion we’d be together for the long haul.
Not like some high school kids who swore they were in love
and would be together forever. She wanted to go off to
college, and I was going to join the Army. We’d known our
paths would be very different and would never cross again.
Then the condom broke, and we were forever connected.
How different my life would be if I’d never asked Chrissy
out.
The normal guilt hit my chest anytime I thought about
what my life would’ve been like if I didn’t have Carson. I
didn’t regret a moment of having my daughter. I never felt
like I’d given up my dreams for her, I didn’t give up
anything, my aspirations simply changed. Everything
changed. The Army was no longer important—being a good
dad was. Partying, hanging out with my friends, sports, and
graduating on a stage . . . none of it could compare to
Carson. Rounding the plate after hitting a home run used to
be the best rush in the world. The excitement of the crowd.
The cheers. My teammates’ and coaches’ praise. But none
of that held a candle to what I felt when Carson smiled at
me for the first time, or when she took her first steps, or
hearing her jumbled da-da. I didn’t give anything up, I’d
gained the world.
Why didn’t Chrissy feel the same way? For eight years
the question had plagued me. Was it me she hadn’t wanted
a child with? Did I do or say the wrong thing? Was I not
good enough? Carson? What was it that made Chrissy leave
us?
By the time I pulled into my garage and cut the engine, I
was no closer to the answers I desperately needed.
The biggest one being—why in the fuck had I pulled
away from Honor and why had I lied to everyone telling
them I needed time?
I didn’t need time, I knew what I wanted. I was just too
scared to go after it.
 18

I hadn’t seen Carson or Ethan at all yesterday. Since

Ethan was on nights, he slept all day while Carson was
at school. What pissed me off the most was Ethan had
devised a plan to avoid me. I’d left for my morning run and
even though I was home ten minutes before Ethan needed
to leave to take Carson to school, they were gone. Then he
must’ve slipped back into the house while I was in the
shower, slept all day, then waited for me to leave to go to
the grocery store and bolted before I was back.
To say I was angry was an understatement.
This morning I’d skipped my run and had had my ass
planted at the table with my laptop and coffee when he
came down. He was fully dressed and looked like he’d
planned on giving me the slip again. His mumbled good
morning was awkward and forced. It was obvious he didn’t
even want to share the same space as me.
Some would say my reaction to Ethan’s silent treatment
was a little over the top, but I was mad and hurt and my
least favorite feeling was that of being unwanted. So when
he tried to beat a hasty retreat and take his coffee back to
his room, I told him we needed to talk. I wasn’t sure what I
was going to say, but, in my mind, it’d played out much
differently than it had.
 Ethan had stood at the bottom of the stairs and made no
attempt to come sit next to me. His gaze was faraway and
uncomfortable. I hated he felt that way. With each passing
second, I watched his look of unease grow. It was then I
came to decision.
“Maybe it would be best if I looked for a new place to
live.”
“What?” He recoiled but still made no move to come
closer.
“You said you wanted to slow things down. I don’t think
we can do that while I’m living here.”
I waited for him to argue, say something, anything that
would give me some sort of indication he wanted me to
stay. But he didn’t. He stood his ground, one hand white
knuckling his coffee cup, the other in a tight fist by his side.
He gave me nothing.
“I don’t want you to have to tiptoe around your own
house to avoid me.”
“I’m not avoiding you,” he denied.
“Sure you are. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, because it
does. I’ll start looking for something this afternoon. I don’t
want to lose you, Ethan. Or Carson. But I can’t live here in
silence. I’ll move out, you think, and when you’re ready
we’ll see where we go from there.”
“I don’t want—”
Ethan was cut off when Carson came running down the
stairs and beelined it straight to me. She jumped in my lap
and told me all about the day I’d missed and what she’d
done. I hadn’t gotten up like I’d been doing and making her
breakfast, instead Ethan set a bowl of cold cereal in front of
her, and she talked around spoonfuls until it was time for
her to go to school.
That’s when Ethan had made his promise, one I bet he
wished he hadn’t. A promise he’d made to get Carson out
the door to school. She hadn’t wanted to go to his parents’
house after school today, she’d wanted to come home and
stay with me while Ethan was at work. The more he told
her no, the more upset she got, until he gave in.

I STOOD off to the side watching Ethan and Carson argue.

He was standing by the door in his uniform, trying to get
Carson to go to his parents’ house. Carson wasn’t having it.
Ethan had made a promise, and she wasn’t letting him
renege. We still hadn’t finished our conversation from this
morning. After he’d taken Carson to school, I took my
laptop into my room to work. I waited, but he never
knocked. He hadn’t made the effort. As the day progressed
it felt like the knife in my heart was twisting with each hour
that passed.
“Daddy. You promised,” Carson whined.
“Hey, maybe we can do a movie night some other
night?” I tried to help Ethan, even though I was seriously
angry he was trying to keep Carson from me after he’d
promised her just this morning she could stay with me.
“But Daddy made a promise. Pop says, a man never
breaks his promise.”
Carson, wise beyond her years, had a very good point.
However, Ethan seemed to be breaking a lot of promises
lately. His attention turned to me, and he still didn’t have
the balls to open his mouth and ask me if I was okay with
Carson staying with me. He let his expressive, green eyes
ask for him.
I, however, wasn’t acting like a prick, so I answered,
using words, like a grown-up.
“It’s fine, Ethan. Go to work. I’ll help Carson with
homework then we’ll watch a movie. Don’t worry, she’ll be
in bed on time.”
“Yippy. Can we make tacos again tonight?” Carson
asked.
 “Sure, darlin’ we can make whatever you want.”
Ethan said goodbye to Carson and offered nothing more
than a lift of his chin to me before he walked out the door.
“Daddy’s being grumpy,” Carson complained.
“I think Daddy is grumpy because he doesn’t like
working nights. He likes being home, so he can eat dinner
with you and tuck you in. So he gets grouchy when he can’t
do it.”
“But if you’re my mommy, he doesn’t always have to do
it. Mommy’s tuck their kids into bed and read stories.
McKenna’s mommy tucked us in when she had a
sleepover.”
God, I hated Ethan. Not really, I was madly in love with
the stupid jerk, that was why I hated him so much right
then. Two days ago, I was thrilled Carson wanted me to be
her mom. I thought that meant the relationship Ethan and I
had been building was solid. I had Carson’s seal of
approval; we could continue. A day that was supposed to be
happy and always remembered, I just wanted to forget. But
I couldn’t. Ethan’s words played on repeat, overshadowing
Carson’s question.
Slow down.
Not ready for anyone to be her mom.
His words still hurt days later. I desperately wanted him
to talk to me. Open up, trust me, something—anything. But
he’d shut down. I wanted him to fight for us. Give me
something so I could stay and fight, however, the statement
about me moving out had been made and now it hung
between us. He was probably relieved. I knew once I moved
out, that would be it. He’d never try and work things out.
The worst part was, I had no idea what had happened.
What had changed his mind? He offered me nothing by way
of explanation. The only thing I was left with was
assumption and everything pointed to Chrissy having said
something to upset Ethan.
 Thankfully, Carson was easily distracted, and I used it to
my advantage, offering her a snack and told her we could
eat at the coffee table and watch the movie if she finished
her homework in time. I wasn’t sure if Ethan had talked to
Carson about her asking if I could be her mom or if he’d
blown her off too. I knew nothing because he wasn’t talking
to me.
I got Carson a snack and we finished her homework. We
were getting everything ready to start making tacos when I
realized we didn’t have any tortillas to make the shells.
“We gotta run to the grocery store, darlin’.”
“Will we still have time to watch our movie?”
“We sure will. And we’ll even grab a tub of ice cream
and share it for dessert.”
“Yippy. I’ll get my shoes.”
Carson took off then met me at the door. Her excitement
was contagious, and I found myself smiling at her, despite
my foul mood.
Damn Ethan!
I buckled Carson in and headed toward the grocery
store. She was telling me a story from the backseat, one
I’m ashamed to say I didn’t hear. I was torn. On one hand I
wanted to stay and demand Ethan open up to me. However,
I couldn’t deny I deserved better than a man who would
close me out and break promises. I’d grown up with a
father who’d promised year after year he’d be home more,
be more involved, yet each year there was another excuse
why that didn’t happen. Promises made, promises broken.
Each time my dad walked out the door, I watched my mom
lose a part of herself. I would never lose myself like that, no
matter how much I loved Ethan and Carson.
I was worth the fight, and if he wanted me, he’d have to
chase me.
 19

“I ’ll drive today.” Lorenz swiped the keys to the

squad car out of my hands. “I’m shocked I lived
after last night’s driving.”
I rolled my eyes at his exaggeration. “Whatever.”
“You get shit worked out with Honor today?” he asked
once he had me trapped in a moving vehicle where I
couldn’t avoid his question like I’d done when he’d
bombarded me earlier.
“Barely saw her today. By the time I dropped Carson off
at school and came home she was working in her room.”
“Did you knock?”
“What?” I shifted my gaze from the red light in front of
the car to my partner.
“Jesus, Ethan. Did you knock on her door? Tell her you
wanted to talk to her?”
“No . . . she . . . um . . .” Fuck, now I was stuttering. I
couldn’t even get myself to say the words out loud.
I knew I’d fucked up and hurt Honor, but I didn’t think
she’d want to move out. Once she’d suggested it, I was too
angry to speak. Then when I’d found my voice, Carson
came downstairs for breakfast. I couldn’t believe she
wanted to bail. And the worst part was I’d done it to myself.
Both my mom and dad had tried to warn me not to wait, to
talk to her immediately, but I didn’t fucking listen.
After I’d lain awake tossing and turning after my last
shift, I knew I needed to talk to her. I’d actually gone
downstairs once to wake her up, but it was barely six a.m.
and I figured I’d let her sleep an extra hour and catch her
when she got home from her run. Only she surprised the
hell out of me by changing up her morning routine and was
sitting at the kitchen table when I’d gone downstairs for
coffee. She looked so fucking beautiful, but the sadness in
her eyes was like a shot in the chest.
I was going to go wake up Carson and come right back
to talk to her when she dropped the bomb she wanted to
move out. Then shit went downhill. Instead of telling her
she wasn’t going anywhere and explaining why I’d behaved
like an ass, I stood there trying to get my anger in check.
The longer I’d stood there, unbelieving what I was hearing,
the more she mistook my silence for acceptance. I didn’t
fucking accept anything. Then Carson came downstairs and
essentially ended any discussion we were going to have.
After I got home from dropping my daughter off at school
Honor had already locked herself in her room to work, or
pack, or whatever the fuck she was doing. I was too pissed
to knock and find out. I thought I’d done the right thing by
calming down before I spoke to her. I’d already hurt her, I
didn’t want to say something else I’d regret. The day wore
on and instead of getting my shit together I got more and
more angry. How could she want to leave? Because I was a
dick, that’s why.
“She what?” Lorenz asked, pulling me from my
memories.
“Said she wanted to move out,” I told him.
“I thought things were going well.”
“They were—until Chrissy showed up. Man, just seeing
her sent me spiraling into my worst fear. I said some shit to
Honor I regret.”
 “And you still haven’t apologized or talked to her,” he
surmised and shook his head in disgust. At least that’s what
I assumed it was, considering I felt the same way about my
behavior.
When the fuck did I turn into such a coward?
“I told you, I needed a minute to get my shit together
before I talked to her.”
“Right. And I told you, not to delay apologizing to your
woman. Now she thinks you don’t want her there and is
going to give you space to sort your shit. Am I right?” I
grunted my confirmation, and he continued. “So, you gonna
let her move out?”
“Fuck no. But I have to tell you, her wanting to run away
at the first sign of trouble doesn’t give me a warm and
fuzzy feeling. We’re gonna talk about that too.”
“Yeah, I’d tread lightly about that, friend. You did this to
her. You made her feel unwanted. I know you, when you
freeze someone out, you freeze them the fuck out. I’ve
never known anyone who can shut down like you. You don’t
burn when you’re angry, you go arctic. A relationship can
weather an argument, what it can’t is silence.”
“One-Palmer-One, what’s your twenty?” The radio
transmission cut off my retort.
“One-Palmer-One to dispatch, we’re northbound on
Everson, passing 3rd Street,” I called back with our
location.
“One-Palmer-One continue northbound to 7th. Single
vehicle collision. Possible fatality. EMS and fire are en
route.”
“One-Palmer-One. Copy.”
Lorenz hit the lights and sirens and increased his speed,
veering around cars that had begun to slow.
“Move to the right, fuckers, don’t stop in the middle of
the damn road,” he grouched.
“Shitty way to start a shift,” I commented.
 No one liked reporting to an accident scene where there
were injuries or fatalities, but nothing set the tone of a tour
when it was the first call of the night.
Ladder 61 was already on scene when Lorenz came to a
stop behind the truck. The large rig was blocking the
accident itself, and looky-loos had already gathered around.
“I’ll take crowd control,” Lorenz said when he put the
squad car in park.
I rounded the fire truck and cringed. A white Honda
Accord had jumped the curb and collided head-on with a
traffic light pole. The front of the car was a mangled mess
of crunched metal. The left bumper was smashed as well. I
was looking for a possible second vehicle when I heard a
woman screaming. That wasn’t unusual for an accident
scene, however, I thought I’d heard my name.
“Someone needs to call Officer Ethan Lenox, right
goddamn now,” she yelled again.
My attention went back to the white car and my heart
dropped to my stomach, and I took off in a sprint. Honor
drove a white Honda Accord. I tried to tell myself it was
impossible, Honor was home, safe and sound, with Carson.
They were going to watch a movie and make tacos. Carson!
Fuck.
I skidded to a halt in front of the car, and my eyes
shifted from the driver to the small passenger in the
backseat. I blinked and tried again, praying I was
hallucinating.
Honor.
Carson.
I used to think my worst fear was Chrissy coming into
Carson’s life and turning everything upside down. I’d been
very wrong. Seeing Honor’s car smashed in front of me and
not knowing if the two people I loved most in this world
were hurt or worse was far scarier. The feeling was
indescribable; it went beyond fear.
“I need that collar now. We have to move her.”
 What in the actual fuck? Why was Chrissy barking
orders to the EMS squad? Why in the hell was she here to
begin with?
“Ethan. Thank God. Carson is fine. Minor contusion on
her forehead. She’s alert and responsive. I’ve advised EMS
to leave her buckled in until I can look her over better.”
“Daddy!” Carson screamed, and my confusion
immediately drained away. Thank God she was talking.
“Hi, baby, are you okay?” I asked, going for the buckle I
desperately needed my daughter in my arms.
“Don’t move her, Ethan,” Chrissy barked. “Let me finish
with Honor and then I’ll check her again.”
Who the fuck did this woman think she was, telling me
what to do with my daughter?
“Please, Ethan,” she begged. The desperation in her
tone stopped me from scooping Carson up and holding her
the way I wanted. Instead I grabbed both of her tiny hands
in mine and squeezed.
“I’m scared, Daddy.”
“I know you are, Squirt. Are you okay?” I asked again.
“I think so.”
“How’s Honor?” I asked Chrissy.
“She’s in shock. Elevated heart rate. Decreased breath
sounds on her right side.” Two more paramedics ran over
with a board and collar, stopping her from continuing.
“Miss, you need to move.”
Chrissy ignored the EMT’s order and continued.
“I’m Doctor Christina Krier, my ID is in my bag. Shallow,
rapid breaths. Asymmetrical chest movement. Heart rate
elevated. She needs to be transported now. Give me the
collar.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, not letting go of
Carson’s hand.
No one answered as they worked. What the hell was
going on with Honor? Before I could ask again Chrissy
moved from the front of the car and ripped off blood
covered gloves tossing them on the pavement as she moved
toward me. Fuck. The front of her shirt was cover in blood
too.
“Let me check Carson over so you both can ride with
Honor.”
“I’ll be right here, Squirt.” I let go of Carson’s hands and
stepped back.
Chrissy took my place in front of Carson, and worry
superseded any anger I felt because Chrissy was touching
my daughter.
“How you feeling, sweetie? Does your head hurt or your
tummy?” Chrissy asked and flashed a pen light in Carson’s
eyes before she used her fingers to press around Carson’s
neck and throat.
“Nothing hurts,” Carson answered.
Chrissy’s hand moved over every part of Carson before
she stepped back and looked at me.
“You can take her out. She’ll need to be checked over in
the ER, but there are no signs of trauma. She’s extremely
lucky.”
I wanted to yell at Chrissy for telling me Carson needed
to be checked over by a doctor, as if I were some sort of
idiot who wouldn’t know a visit to the ER was necessary.
Instead, relief mixed with fear about Honor, and I remained
quiet while I removed Carson from the backseat.
“How’s Honor?” I asked Chrissy again.
“She’s critical.”
“Critical? What’s wrong?”
“Her right lung has collapsed and—”
“Will she be okay?” I cut her off.
Chrissy didn’t answer, she didn’t have to, the anguish
that marred her face told me everything I needed to know.
“We need to move, Doctor,” the EMT said and locked the
stretcher in an upright position, giving me my first look at
Honor.
 “Jesus Christ.” I turned and held Carson’s face close to
my chest uncaring my radio was probably digging into her
cheek. It was better than her seeing Honor.
Blood covered her face and ran down, disappearing
under the neck brace she was wearing. The stretcher was
moving, but not before I noticed the huge gash on her
forehead the EMT was dressing as they ran to the waiting
ambulance.
“Head wounds bleed a lot, Ethan. The laceration looks
worse than it is.”
Laceration. Head wound. Collapsed lung. Please God
don’t take her for me.
“We’re moving,” a man yelled as he loaded Honor in the
back of the rig.
I took off in a jog, hoping I wasn’t hurting Carson in the
process, but there was no way I wasn’t going with Honor.
“Officer,” the paramedic stopped me.
“She’s my fiancée. We’re coming.”
I didn’t give the first fuck I’d lied, there was no way
Honor was leaving my sight. I still didn’t have answers,
and, as badly as I wanted them, nothing mattered but
Honor being okay. After the stretcher was locked in place,
he helped me into the back and pointed to where I needed
to sit.
“Carson, baby, keep your eyes closed.”
“I’m scared. Is Honor okay?”
“She will be, Squirt.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
The doors slammed shut, causing me to jolt, and I hoped
like hell I hadn’t just made a promise to my daughter I
couldn’t keep.
Chrissy had a stethoscope pressed to Honor’s side,
below her armpit, her eyes were closed. I still had no idea
how the fuck Chrissy happened to come upon the accident.
Just when I was going to ask, all hell broke loose.
 “Undo her collar,” Chrissy demanded. The EMT finished
taping the IV he’d inserted and opened the brace exposing
Honor’s throat and neck.
“The trachea is deviated to the left,” Chrissy said as her
fingers palpated Honor’s throat.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“I need a decompression needle. Give me a ten-gauge
cath.” Chrissy cut open Honor’s shirt and glanced around
the surrounding supplies before she found the bottle she
was looking for and squirted a brown liquid over the right
side of her chest. The paramedic ripped open the
packaging and handed Chrissy a long-ass needle.
What the fuck was that for?
“Call it in,” Chrissy instructed.
“Calling County General. This is MediStar Bravo-Two-
Zero-Seven.”
“Country General, go ahead please.”
“County, we have a priority trauma. Female patient, mid-
twenties. Motor vehicle accident, air bags deployed. Absent
breath sounds on the right. Tracheal deviation. Multiple
injuries to head, face, left leg below the knee. Possible
dislocation of the ankle. Heart rate is . . .”
I stopped paying attention to the paramedic and shifted
all my attention to Chrissy.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Chrissy didn’t stop poking around Honor’s collarbone
and with the most compassion I’d ever heard from her she
began to explain.
“Honor’s right lung has collapsed. Air is collecting in the
chest cavity causing pressure to build. Once that happens it
causes the right lung to shift left, leaving no room for the
lung to fully expand. Her heart is also being compressed
and is under stress. I need to relieve the pressure and
expand the lung before she dies.”
Dies? Oh, Fuck. I squeezed Carson tighter, and tried to
keep my panic at bay. This could not be happening.
 “In,” Chrissy called out. “I have air. Give me a chest
tube.”
“Heart rhythm lowering.”
“ETA less than two minutes. Prepare to unload,” the
driver yelled.
“Ethan, when we stop. Stay where you are. Let the
doctors take care of her.”
“I’m going with her,” I argued.
“The doctors need to concentrate on her. Let them work.
We’ll get Carson checked out, and when there’s news
someone will find you.”
“There’s no we,” I seethed.
Chrissy held up her hands in a defensive manner, and I
felt like a dick. She’d saved Honor’s life, or at the very least
bought her more time until she made it to the hospital. I
shouldn’t have barked at her, but my head was spinning,
and my heart felt like it was no longer beating in my own
chest, Honor held it in her hands. If she didn’t make, it
would never beat again.
The back doors were flung open and Honor was pulled
out. A flurry of medical professionals surrounded her
stretcher and she disappeared through the doors.
Chrissy followed Honor into a cubicle, and I
remembered I’d forgotten to tell Honor something. I
quickly got out of the ambulance and chased after them
with Carson still in my arms. I ignored the shouts of the
nurses that tried to stop me until I made it to the space
they’d taken Honor to.
“Sir, step back,” a doctor said.
“I have to tell her something.”
“It will have to wait,” she replied.
“Let him through. This is his fiancée,” Chrissy told them.
“You have one second,” the older woman told me.
I didn’t delay rushing to Honor’s side.
“We love you so much. We’ll be right here waiting for
you to wake up, smalls. Fight, Honor. You hear me? Fight
for us, baby. I’m so sorry. Please come back to us.”
“You need to move, sir.”
I moved out of the way and prayed.
Please, God, bring Honor back to us.
 20

C arson had been checked out and had received a

clean bill of health. She had a bump on her
forehead that was most likely cause by her hitting
herself when she’d tried to cover her face. No cuts, breaks,
or any other injury. Chrissy had been right, it was a miracle
Carson hadn’t been hurt.
Honor hadn’t been so lucky; she was in surgery to stop
the internal bleeding.
“She’s gonna be okay, son.” My dad said, joining me at
the window.
I’d been staring out into the parking lot, thinking over
the last few days. All the words I hadn’t said, the ones I
had. The last time I’d kissed her, and all the missed
opportunities since then.
Why the fuck had I been such an idiot? I should’ve
talked to her. I never should’ve shut her out. Two days I’ll
never get back. Two whole days I’d missed being with her,
laughing with her, loving her. Two days since I’d seen her
smile. Over what? Nothing, none of it was important.
Not only did I miss those days, but Carson had too. That
made me an even bigger dick. Please God do not let the last
words I ever speak to Honor be in anger. Please don’t let
her die.
 “I can’t lose her. We can’t,” I amended. “She has to be
okay.”
“She will be.”
My parents, as well as my aunts and uncles, had been
waiting with me in the sixth-floor surgical family room,
hoping for good news soon. It had been hours since a
doctor had been in to give us an update. I was getting
ready to lose my fucking mind when the door finally
opened, and Chrissy walked in. She’d changed out of her
bloody clothes and now had on a pair of hospital scrubs,
reminding me her life had indeed gone on. After she’d left
Carson and me, she’d continued to chase her dreams. She
was a doctor.
“Has the nurse been in?” she asked shyly from the
doorway.
“No,” I clipped not caring if I sounded like a dick.
“I’ll take Carson out into the hall so you all can talk,” my
mom said, picking a sleeping Carson up.
It wasn’t lost on me when my aunts stood and flanked
my mom, forcing Chrissy to move or be trampled.
Once my Aunt Emily closed the door, Chrissy began to
speak. “She’s out of surgery. It went well.” Relief washed
over me. And I had to close my eyes to keep the tears from
falling. “Honor had a spleen laceration. The doctor
performed a splenectomy and was able to stop the internal
bleeding. Luckily, the tension pneumothorax was caught
and didn’t cause any further issues. Her CT scan came
back normal, the airbag did its job and prevented any
serious head trauma. I’m sure the doctor will be in soon to
go over all the details and what her recovery is going to
look like.”
Chrissy turned to leave, but I stopped her.
“What were you doing there?”
Over the last few hours reports had come in about the
hit-and-run accident that’d caused Honor to hit the pole.
But like any eyewitness accounts, they varied. It was rare
any two observers reported the same details. Lorenz and
my captain had been by to check on Honor and Carson and
to tell me they were tracking every lead. Unfortunately, the
intersection was not equipped with a traffic camera, so
they had to rely on the bystanders’ statements—and there
were a lot of them. But the one person no one had
interviewed yet was Christina Krier.
“I just wanted to see her,” Chrissy said, lowering her
head.
“What the fuck? Did you run her off the road?”
“No!” Chrissy shouted. “I would never hurt Carson.”
“What about Honor? Would you hurt her?”
“I didn’t run her off the road. I was following her.”
My dad’s hand landed on my shoulder, stopping my
forward movement.
“Why the fuck were you following my woman and my
daughter?”
“I was . . .”
“You were what, Chrissy? Doing exactly what I told you
not to do?” It was becoming increasingly harder to exercise
self-control.
“I wasn’t going to talk to them. I promise.”
“Son,” my dad warned.
“What?” I snapped.
“Calm down.”
“Calm down? My woman almost died with Carson in the
car. I can’t calm down.” I really wanted to tell my
daughter’s human incubator to fuck off but there was one
small detail I couldn’t over look, she’d save Honor’s life.
“Did you see the accident happen?”
“Yes.”
“Well . . .” I motioned for her to continue.
“Chrissy, why don’t you sit down,” my Uncle Jasper
offered.
“Thank you, but I’d like to stand.”
 I bet she would. It’d be easier to run if she got
uncomfortable. God knows she was good at that.
“We were coming up on the intersection and the car
between Honor and me started to slow. Then, suddenly,
when she was about halfway through, the person slammed
on the gas and accelerated. They hit the back, left bumper.
Her car went straight into the pole. There was no time for
her to stop. The car that hit her swerved but regained
control and sped off. They never slowed or stopped.”
“Do you think it was on purpose?” My dad asked.
“Absolutely.”
“Fuck,” I roared.
“Anyone come to mind?” my Uncle Clark asked.
“Any threats lately?” Uncle Levi added.
“Yeah. Two, actually,” I told them, then turned to
Chrissy. “Did you get a make and model of the car?”
“Yes. And a partial plate. I’m sorry I didn’t memorize it
all, but I was more worried about Carson. And Honor,” she
quickly added.
What the hell was I supposed to do now? Someone tried
to kill Honor and Carson. Chrissy was still breathing the
same air as me. The person who’d hurt Honor was at large.
And I wanted to kill someone with my bare hands.
“Lock it down, Ethan.” Jasper’s gaze pinned me in place.
“You have to keep your head straight. Honor will be in
recovery soon and she’ll need you. Carson is going to be
looking to you about how to react. Give Lorenz the
information and let him pass it along. You’re needed here.”
It amazed me my uncle could read me so well. He knew I
was struggling about what to do with the information
Chrissy had provided. I wanted to be the one to nail the son
of a bitch that had run Honor off the road. But he was right,
Honor and Carson needed me.
“I’m going to leave. Would it be okay if I came back to
check on Honor before I fly back to California?” Chrissy
asked. Now, what the fuck was I supposed to say to that?
My first reaction was fuck no, I didn’t want her anywhere
near us. But I was torn. It all came back to Chrissy having
saved Honor. “You don’t have to answer now. I’ll leave my
number at the nurse’s station. I’ll come by when Carson’s
not here, if it’s okay with you and Honor.”
She started for the door and guilt slammed into my
chest. As much as I wanted to let her walk out the door and
never see her again, I couldn’t. I wanted to, really, really
wanted to but . . . there was always a but wasn’t there?
“Let me talk to Honor and see what she says.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you for . . .” I choked back the emotion, not
wanting to lose it in front of her.
“No need. I’ll write everything down for you and leave it
with the nurse.”
“You saved her life, Chrissy. There is a need. If you
hadn’t been there, I doubt she would’ve made it to the
hospital alive. Listen,” I paused and did something I never
imagined myself doing, giving Chrissy what she wanted.
“Before you leave would you like to sit and talk to Carson
for a while?” Fuck, it pained me to offer, but I was stuck. If
she hadn’t been there, I would’ve lost Honor. I was trapped
in a shit sandwich. I’d have a lot to explain to Carson, but
I’d rather that than being plagued by guilt for the rest of
my life.
“No.” Chrissy didn’t try to hide her tears, she let them
flow freely down her cheeks. “I thought about what you
said, and you were right. I was being selfish.” She took a
tentative step toward me but stopped before she was too
close. “That’s why I was following them. If I could see
Carson from a distance, she’d never see me. She’s so
beautiful, she looks just like you when she smiles. Thank
you for keeping her and giving her a good life when I
couldn’t. You’re a great dad, Ethan. There was never a
doubt in my mind you’d take good care of her.
 “I’m sorry. I promised you I’d never disrupt your life but
I did. Today when I saw her, really saw her, I knew I’d made
the right choice. Something that was stirring around in my
heart was laid to rest. I knew she belonged to you, she
always has.”
“Was there something I could’ve said or done back then
to make you stay?” God, I hated asking her that question,
but I had to know.
“Nothing would’ve made me stay. You know how some
girls grow up and dream about their weddings and having
babies? That was never me. I knew I’d never be mother
material. Even now, Ethan, I don’t want children. Damn,
that makes me sound heartless, but I’m just not that
person.”
“Not heartless—honest,” I corrected.
The door creaked open and a doctor walked in. “Honor
Sullivan’s family?”
“Here.” I stepped forward.
“We’ve moved her to recovery. If you’d like to walk with
me, I’ll explain the procedure as I take you to her room.”
“I’ll tell your mom. We’ll watch Carson,” my dad told me.
“Thanks.”
The doctor immediately started running through the list
of injuries Honor had sustained. The only issue that Chrissy
had not addressed was Honor’s right ankle. The paramedic
had thought it was a possible fracture, but it turned out to
just be bruised. That was one less thing for her to recover
from.
I stepped into Honor’s room and ignored the beeping
and whirring of all the machines and went to her side. All
the fears I’d had about Chrissy had been wiped clean and
the self-doubt I’d had was finally behind me. Nothing
mattered in that moment but Honor. I need her to wake up
so I could beg her to forgive me.
“Hey, smalls. You ready to wake up yet?” The doctor told
me it could take a few hours before the anesthesia wore off
and she was coherent enough to carry on a conversation or
it could only take minutes. Every patient was different.
I pulled a chair close and picked up one of her small,
cold hands in mine and brought it to my lips, kissing her
fingers. Thank God she was alive. Seeing her broken and
near dead was something I never wanted to experience
again. It’d also made me contemplate the last few days, and
how I’d behaved. Never again would I shut her out. I took
in the bruises on her face and the stitches on her forehead
near her hairline and was relieved. The angry purple marks
would fade, her ankle would heal, so would the scrapes on
her leg. I could only hope the hurt I’d caused would too.
“I’m so sorry Honor.” I kissed her knuckles again
wishing I could climb into the bed next to her and hold her.
“So damn sorry for being such an asshole. I didn’t mean
any of what I said. I promise. I was a coward and let fear
take over. I don’t ever want to slow down. I don’t want you
to move out. Baby, I need you to wake up. I miss you so
much. Carson misses you, too. She needs you. We both do. I
don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”
I rested my forehead on her hand and listened to the
constant rhythm of her heart. Thank God it was beating.
Honor would be okay. She had to be. My life didn’t work
if she wasn’t in it.
 21

I slowly awoke and lay there a moment, disoriented and

trying to figure out what had happened and where I
was. The first thing I noticed was the unmistakable
smell of a hospital. Antiseptic and bleach. The next were
the sounds. Beeping, swooshing, and buzzing. Even as faint
as it was, the hum hurt my head. I wanted to go back to
sleep.
“Please, Honor, wake up. Let me see those pretty eyes.”
“Ethan?” I croaked.
“I’m right here, smalls. Can you open your eyes?”
I tried, but they felt heavy and gritty, like someone had
thrown sand in them. I finally got one cracked open a sliver
and decided against it when the light felt like it was
piercing my skull.
“Can’t. What happened?”
“You were in a car accident.”
A car accident? That wasn’t right. I was at home making
tacos with Carson.
Tortillas.
Carson.
No!
My eyes flew open, and I fought against the nausea that
roiled in my stomach.
 “Carson. Where is she? Is she okay?”
“Slow down. She’s fine. Everyone’s fine.”
Slow down.
I hated those two words. My brain slowly engaged, and I
remembered.
“Why are you here?”
His face was still a little fuzzy but not so much I couldn’t
make out the worry.
“Why wouldn’t I be here. You’re here. Where you are, I
am.”
What? Was he drunk? He hadn’t wanted to be anywhere
near me.
“You shouldn’t be here. Where’s Carson?” I asked him.
Ethan brought my hand to his lips and kissed it, then he
peeled my fingers open and kissed my palm, placing my
open hand on his cheek.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, ignoring my question.
“My head hurts,” I complained.
“Let me get the doctor. And I need to tell everyone
you’re awake. They’re in the waiting room.”
“Why is everyone here?”
“Smalls, we almost lost you. Where else would they be?”
Lost me?
“What happened?”
“I promise I’ll tell you everything. But please let me have
the doctor check you out first.”
“Okay.” With my head pounding, I easily gave in.
“I won’t leave your side, promise.”
Ethan pushed the call button next to the bed and
moments later a woman in scrubs walked through the door.
“Don’t make me promises you can’t keep.” I tried to pull
my hand free, but he held it firm on his cheek.
“I deserve that. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, good, you're awake.” The nurse interrupted. “Let
me get the doctor.”
“How long have I been out?”
 “You’ve been out of surgery for two hours,” he told me.
“Surgery?”
“Yes. Four of the longest hours of my life. I can’t
remember a time I’ve ever been so scared.”
Before I could ask any more questions, an older man
entered the room and smiled.
“Glad you finally decided to wake up. I thought I was
going to have to sedate your fiancé here. He was worse
than a two-year-old on a road trip asking, are we there
yet,” the doctor chuckled.
Fiancé? I looked at Ethan and he shrugged his
shoulders.
“I’m Doctor Levine, I performed your surgery. How do
you feel? On a scale of one to ten what’s your pain level?”
I was trying to focus on Dr. Levine, however my head
was still spinning at the revelation Ethan had told him we
were engaged.
“Um, maybe a four, but I do have a headache and I feel
like I might throw up.”
“Both are normal. Your vitals all look great. Dr. Krier
was able to treat the pneumothorax in the ambulance. I
removed the cath she put in during transport and replaced
it with a chest tube.” The doctor pulled the unsnapped
hospital gown down revealing a tube inserted just below
my armpit. “You’re connected to a wall suction, so you’re
leashed, so to speak, to the bed. Do not try and get up.
Tomorrow you’ll be able to use the restroom with
assistance. For now, you need to be connected to the
suction at all times. To stop internal bleeding I had to
remove your damaged spleen. The incision will be sore for
a few weeks. I’m more concerned with your lung at the
moment. You were extremely lucky Dr. Krier was there;
pneumothorax can be life-threatening.”
“You removed my spleen? Don’t I need that?”
“I’ve performed hundreds of splenectomies. You can live
a normal, healthy life without your spleen. There’s a chance
you’ll be more prone to infection; however, it’s not
significant.”
“When I woke up, I didn’t notice this.” I pointed to the
tube coming out of my chest.
“That’s good. I don’t want you in pain. You’ll still feel a
shortness of breath while your lung inflates. I won’t
sugarcoat it, young lady, pneumothorax is extremely
painful. I was very impressed with Dr. Krier’s original
efforts.”
“Who’s Dr. Krier? Is she here? I’d like to thank her. It
sounds like she saved my life.”
Ethan’s hand on my arm tightened, bringing my
attention to him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. His brows were pulled
together, and he was staring at me with wide eyes. He
opened his mouth, and I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t lie to
me.”
“Nothing’s wrong. We’ll talk after the doctor is done
with his exam.”
I continued to hold Ethan’s gaze. I only broke contact
when Dr. Levine asked me to look at him, so he could check
my pupils and throat. Once he deemed I was fine, he left
the room with a promise to return before he left for the
evening.
“Tell me,” I demanded.
“What do you remember about the accident?”
I tried to recall the moment of impact, but the details
were fuzzy. “I was driving through an intersection and I
was hit from behind. But it wasn’t like I was rear-ended. I
was being pushed. I tried to step on the brakes, but it was
too late, I couldn’t turn and there was a light post in front
of me. Why? What does this have to do with why you look
like you’ve swallowed a lemon?”
“What about after? Do you remember the EMTs working
on you?”
 God my head hurt, and the harder I tried to remember
details the more it hurt.
“Not really. I remember opening my eyes and the airbag
was in my face and it was hard to breathe. I could taste
blood mixed with chalk. I called out to Carson, she was
crying. Then the airbag was deflated. I remember a woman
was trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t understand her. I
begged her to leave me and help Carson. I’m not sure if I
was making sense, though, or if I was even talking. I hurt
everywhere.”
“Did you recognize the woman who helped you?”
“No, I don’t remember. Why? Just tell me what’s wrong.
My head hurts too fucking badly to play guessing games.”
“The . . . um . . . woman who helped you was Dr. Krier.
Dr. Chrissy Krier.” Ethan looked like it physically pained
him to say the words. What was the big deal about . . . oh,
no . . . Chrissy.
Shit on a shingle!
“Chrissy? Carson’s—”
“Yes,” he said briskly. His jaw was set tight, and he
looked like he had this morning when I’d told him I was
moving out. Shit, had that only been this morning?
“Why was she there?”
“Do you need something for your headache?” he asked
instead of answering me.
“Did she run me off the road?”
“No.” Our eyes remained locked. I was unwilling to
accept his one-word answer. “She was following you.”
“Me? You mean Carson. Was she going to try and take
her? Is that why you didn’t want me alone with Carson? Did
she threaten to kidnap her?”
“No, smalls, she didn’t.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“A lot,” he admitted. “I promise to tell you everything.
But I refuse to pile more shit on your plate when you’ve just
woken up from surgery.”
 “I don’t believe you. I think you’re putting me off. You
promised not to shut me out again, yet the first time
something big came up you did just that. Only this time was
worse than the first time. You didn’t shut me out, you
locked me out. And now you’re doing it again. You should
go home. Carson must be frightened. She needs you right
now.”
“I leave when you leave.”
“What’s the point? Nothing’s changed.”
“You’re right, nothing has changed. I feel the same way
about you right this very moment as I did the first time I
kissed you. I know I fucked up. I’d planned on rectifying
that this morning. Then you surprised me by telling me you
were moving out, and I got pissed. But make no mistake, I
was never going to let you walk out the door.”
“You were pissed? That’s rich coming from you. Don’t
forget, you’re the one who’s refused to speak to me.”
“Yeah, Honor, pissed and hurt. I haven’t forgotten I
behaved like a jackass. I thought I was doing the right
thing, trying to work through my issues on my own and not
stress you out or burden you with them. I was wrong. But
so were you. I may’ve been silent, but you were ready to
give up.”
“I wasn’t giving up. I was giving you space. Space you
admit to needing.”
Damn my head hurt worse now than it did when I’d first
opened my eyes.
“I’m not letting you walk away. I know I have a lot to
make up for. A lot to prove to you. And I will while you are
in our home. Where you belong.”
“It’s not my—”
“We’re not arguing about this, Honor. Not while you’re
in pain. I’m going to go get the nurse and ask her to give
you something for your headache. Then I’m going to go talk
to my parents. When I come back, I’ll watch you sleep, and
we’ll talk again when you wake up.”
 “I already told you, you should leave. Go home with
Carson.”
“That’s not happening. She’ll be fine with my parents.
We walk out of here together.”
Without another word, Ethan stood and made his way to
the door, he hesitated a moment before he shook whatever
thought he had out of his head and left the room.
I now had more questions, and Ethan still hadn’t
explained what had put him on edge in the first place. I
should’ve been grateful Chrissy had been there to save my
life, but now I was afraid Ethan felt indebted to her. And if
she was there that meant she’d seen and spoken to Carson.
What a fucking mess.
 22

“S he’s fine, Squirt. The doctor even said so.”

“I want to see Honor,” she demanded.
I looked over Carson’s head at my parents,
hoping they held the answers I need to calm Carson down.
“I know you do. But you can see her tomorrow. You’re
gonna go home with Pop and Gran—”
Carson moved and grabbed my face in both her tiny
hands and looked me dead in the eyes.
“I want Honor, now,” she yelled.
“Okay, baby, I’ll take you to see her.”
I’d never seen fear like that in my daughter’s eyes. Not
even while she was strapped into the back seat after the
car accident. Sure, she’d been frightened, but it didn’t
compare to the terror rolling off her now.
I scooped Carson up and held her close before I turned
to my dad. “We’ll be right back.”
He gave me a chin lift, and my gaze slid to my mom, who
was tucked against my dad’s side with tears glistening in
her eyes. She nodded her approval, and I left the waiting
area.
“You have to be very careful and not touch anything,” I
told Carson. “There are a bunch of machines that may look
scary—”
 “Sir,” a nurse cut me off midsentence as I was opening
the door to Honor’s room. “She can’t be back here.” The
nurse motioned toward Carson.
“We’ll only be a minute. She’s scared and wants to check
on her mom.”
The nurse looked from side to side before turning back
to us. “Please be quick. Children are not allowed in this
unit. And if someone catches you, we never had this talk.”
The woman turned on her heel and walked off down the
corridor leaving us outside of Honor’s door.
“Did you decide, Daddy? Can Honor be my mom?”
Carson asked.
“We have to talk to Honor about it, Squirt. She’s pretty
mad at Daddy right now. I was a jerk this week and I hurt
her feelings. I need to make things right with her. And you
too. I’m sorry I was so grouchy.”
“It’s okay. Honor, I mean Mom, told me it was because
you were sad you had to work at night and couldn’t tuck
me in like you like to. And Pop always says when Gran is
mad at him, he kisses her until she forgives him. I don’t
understand how that works. I think it’s silly.”
I really didn’t want to think about how my father got my
mom to forgive him when he was acting like an asshole. I
was sure it entailed more than kissing and the images
made me want to gag.
I opened the door and found Honor sleeping peacefully. I
was getting ready to tell Carson she’d have to come back
later, when her eyes opened. The scowl she’d worn earlier
while talking to me turned into a breathtakingly beautiful
smile.
“Hey, darlin’. How ya feeling?”
Carson remained frozen for a moment before she
wiggled in my arms, wanting to be set on her feet.
“Remember, no touching anything,” I whispered.
Without looking at any of the machines, Carson marched
to Honor’s bed and started to climb up.
 “Carson—”
“She’s fine, Ethan. Help her up.”
I didn’t have to, Carson was already sitting on Honor’s
left side looking her over.
“Does it hurt?” Carson asked.
“A little. But I’ll be okay. I even have a cool tube the
doctor left in. I’m attached to a machine that’s sucking out
air from around my lung that shouldn’t be there. Wanna
see?”
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea for Carson to see
Honor’s chest tube, but I remained quiet, trusting Honor
knew what was best for her.
“Wow. Does that hurt?”
“Nope. I can’t feel it at all. The doctor gave me special
medicine to numb the area.” Honor brushed Carson’s hair
from her forehead and turned to me. “You said she wasn’t
hurt.”
The accusation in her tone was fierce. Just what you’d
expect from a mother. How could I have been so fucking
stupid? She loved Carson. She loved me. Why hadn’t I
trusted her with my thoughts about Chrissy?
“She’s fine. The doctor said she hit herself in the head,”
I explained.
“I’m sorry you were hurt.” Honor brought Carson close
and kissed the bruise on her head. “I was really scared.
Were you?”
“Yes,” Carson told her. “I wanted to go up front with
you, but I wasn’t allowed out of my seatbelt. The doctor
told me she needed me to help her and stay in the back, so
she could get you out of the car.”
“That was really brave of you. Thank you for helping
her.”
“Then Daddy came. You were scared, too, weren’t you
Daddy?”
“Yes, Squirt. I was very scared. My two best girls were
in an accident and hurt.”
 When had Carson grown up? It felt like yesterday she
was learning how to walk. Then suddenly she was running.
The years seemed to have slid by in the blink of an eye.
“Then Daddy argued with the doctor but he let her shine
a tiny flashlight in my eyes and she checked me all over
before she let him take me out of the car.”
Honor’s face had turned to stone.
“She checked you?” Honor asked then pinned me with a
pissed off look. “Did she get checked in the ER?”
I would’ve rolled my eyes at her if I hadn’t been so taken
by her concern.
“Yes. As soon as you were taken up to surgery, she had a
full battery of tests. She’s fine.”
Not to be deterred, Carson continued with her story.
“Then we got in the ambulance with you and the doctor.
Daddy was holding me so tight all his stuff was poking me.
But I didn’t care because when all the beeping started I
was scared.”
Honor looked to me to fill in the holes. I wanted to wait
to explain what had happened in the ambulance and the
role Chrissy had played until after Honor had gotten some
much-needed sleep. But by the look she was giving me, I no
longer had that option.
“Your lung collapsed, and it was straining your heart.
That’s when the first chest tube was put in.”
Honor nodded then returned her focus to Carson.
“That had to have been really scary. I’m sorry you had to
see it.”
“I didn’t see it. Daddy told me to close my eyes. I only
heard it,” Carson informed her.
“Well, either way, I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t want you to die,” Carson blurted out and
started to cry.
“Come here.” Honor opened her arm as wide as she
could and waited until Carson’s head rested on her chest.
“I’m not going to die. The doctors and nurses did a great
job patching me up, darlin’. I’m not going anywhere.”
Relief washed over me hearing Honor’s last statement.
Even if it was only meant to reassure Carson, I’d take it. I’d
do my damnedest to make sure I proved to Honor she could
trust me. I let the two of them lay in silence for a few
minutes before I told Carson it was time to go. Honor
needed to rest, and I didn’t want to push our luck with the
nurse. Especially since I planned on breaking the rule again
tomorrow. Carson needed to see Honor, just as much as she
needed to see Carson. And I damn well needed all three of
us together.
“Daddy said you were mad at him for being a jerk,”
Carson not-so-helpfully announced. I bit back a curse, and
my daughter barreled on. “He said he has to make things
right with us before you forgive him and can be my mom.
He said he was sorry to me. So, I forgave him. I told him to
kiss you like Pop kisses Gran, and you’ll forgive him too.”
Shit, motherfucker, damn. Honor was going to be so
mad at me and think I was trying to use Carson to get to
her.
“Carson, that’s not exactly what I said.”
“Yes, it is. You told the nurse I wanted to see my mom.
Then you said, Honor was mad. Then you said, before we
can talk to her about being my mom you had to make
things right.”
Jesus, the little parrot had me, but she was not helping
my case.
“Okay. That is exactly what I said. How about you let me
and Honor talk, yeah?”
“Okay,” she easily agreed. “When do you get to come
home?”
“I’m not sure, darlin’,” Honor croaked then cleared her
throat. “Maybe you can come see me tomorrow after
school.”
“Can I, Daddy?”
 “Absolutely. Gran can bring you by when she picks you
up. Now, let’s get you back to Gran and Pop so you can go
home and get some dinner, and Honor can rest.”
“I love you, Honor.”
“I love you, Carson.”
I helped Carson off the bed and didn’t miss Honor
wiping a tear as it rolled down her cheek.
“I’ll be right back,” I told her.
She opened her mouth to argue but closed it and
nodded.
It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d argued or not. I was
not leaving this hospital without her. It was one of the many
ways I was going to prove to her how much she meant to
me. Getting her to trust me again, was a whole ’nother
battle, which would take longer than a few days.
I said goodbye to my aunts and uncles, promising
frequent updates, then I was left with my parents.
“I can’t thank you enough,” I told my dad.
“No other place we’d be,” he said. “Now, fix this, son.”
“I’m going to.”
His hand clapped on my shoulder and squeezed. “I know
you will.”
My mom gave me a hug and patted my cheek. “Love
you, boy.”
“Love you, Mama.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Daddy,” Carson added.
I knelt in front of her and opened my arms. She stepped
in and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you,
Squirt. I’m sorry I’m staying here tonight.”
“It’s okay. Gran told me that Honor needs all your love
right now, so she can get better and come home.”
“Yeah, she does. She’ll be home before we know it, and
we can spoil her.”
“Can I make her cookies?”
“You sure can.”
“Night, Daddy. I’ll miss you.”
 “Miss you, too. Be a good girl.”
By the time I made my way back to Honor’s room she
was asleep. I sat back down in the chair next to her bed
and did exactly what I told her I was going to do; I watched
her sleep.
I’d like to think I was fairly self-aware and could
recognize my shortcomings. I’d been wrong. I hadn’t seen
nor understood them until Lorenz, my parents, and Honor
pointed them out to me. And even after they had, I still
stubbornly thought I was doing the right thing.
Honor sighed in her sleep, and I vowed to make this
right. Once again, I thought about what my father had told
me. I hated to admit it, but he was right. The last eight
years, I’d been content. Happy being a father, loving on
Carson. However, I’d never known bone-deep, soul-
consuming love. Now that I had, I wasn’t going to let it go.
I was going to hold on to it for dear life, fight for it until my
dying breath, nurture it, and wrap myself in it until there is
no beginning or end to it.
Honor would be my wife, Carson’s mom, and the mother
of our future children. That, I was sure of. It was time I
opened up to her and let her see the real me—all the ugly
secrets I kept hidden from the world. She deserved nothing
less.
 23

I woke up disoriented and uncomfortable. It took me a

moment to get my bearings and remember I was in the
hospital. Ethan was next to me, softly snoring. He was
still sitting in the same chair from last night, and I winced
at the angle of his head. He looked more uncomfortable
than I felt, But, even in his slumber, he was handsome.
Damn him for driving a wedge between us.
I thought back to what Carson had said yesterday, and
my heart constricted. Ethan had told the nurse he was
taking Carson to see her mom. A week ago I would’ve been
thrilled. Now? I was angry he was trying to manipulate my
feelings about Carson to his advantage. The realization only
strengthened my resolve. I would not let him use Carson to
get me to forgive him. Once bitten, twice shy.
The accident only proved to me that life was short,
everything could be gone in the blink of an eye. The somber
reality may’ve woken him up and made him think about the
past week and how stupid he’d been pushing me away. But
the near-death experience had sobered me, and now I
knew, more than ever, I wanted more. As much as I’d loved
my mom, I wouldn’t allow my life to end like hers: one
husband who repeatedly promised a better life, then
another who promised the world only to put her through
hell. Why had my mom resigned herself to an existence full
of empty words? Whatever reasons she had, I wasn’t going
there.
“Morning, smalls. How are you feeling?” Ethan’s sleep
roughened voice pulled me from my thoughts.
As immature as it was, I wasn’t ready to talk to him, so I
shrugged my answer and turned my head away from him.
Why was he doing this? Why now? After days of grunts and
one-word answers. I’d given him the out he’d needed to
sort his shit out. I was finally getting my life on course. I’d
moved out of Frank’s house with a determination to make it
on my own and, stupidly, I’d fallen for my landlord, putting
me back into a situation of having to rely on someone else.
So fucking stupid.
“Why are you really here?” I asked, wanting to get the
argument we were about to have over with. He needed to
leave. I needed to use this time to think, which was hard to
do with Ethan sitting vigil.
“I already told you why.”
“No, you haven’t. I want to know why, after days of not
speaking to me, suddenly you love me and don’t want to
leave my side. You had no issues leaving me alone the last
several days.”
The sleep crept from his eyes, replaced with pure anger.
His face turned to granite, and his eyes narrowed.
“Suddenly? There is no suddenly about it. I have never
stopped loving you. And I’m here because I’m going to
prove to you I’ve learned from my mistakes. Remember
when we started this, and I told you I was going to need
patience? This is one of those times. I know I owe you more
than an apology. I owe you honesty, something I’m
prepared to give you. But, Honor, you need to understand
this, I was never going to let you move out of the house
without a fight. And I still won’t. I will use everything
within my power to make you stay.”
 “Like Carson? That wasn’t cool the way you flipped
everything around and made it seem like I didn’t want to be
her mom. Let’s not forget it was you that said you weren’t
ready for anyone to be her mom.”
“I did say that, and I regret it. I hope after I explain
everything to you, you’ll understand and forgive me. If you
don’t, I’ll try harder. And for the record, I’m not using
Carson. Last night I tried to tell Carson she had to wait to
see you. She nearly screamed the waiting room down. She
wasn’t leaving until she could talk to you. When the nurse
stopped us in the hall and told me children weren’t allowed
back, I said what was natural—she wanted to see her mom.
Carson asked if that meant you were going to be her mom.
I admitted I messed up, and you were mad at me. I also told
her I had to make things right with you before we talked
about her request again.”
I was still pissed, however, there was a twinge of guilt
for thinking the worst of him. I knew how protective he was
of Carson and accusing him of using her was out of bounds.
I knew better.
“Will you tell me more about Chrissy and why she was
following me?”
There was no sense putting off this conversation nor
trying to talk about how he’d behaved the last few days if
we didn’t address her presence. The truth was, I’d rather
gouge my eyeballs out with a hot poker than talk about her,
but it was time to rip the scab off, even if I’d be the one
bleeding.
“Before we start, do you need anything? Pain medicine?
Anything?”
“Are you stalling?”
“No, Honor. I’m trying to make sure my woman is
comfortable and not in pain before we talk. And I’m going
to get a cup of coffee and wake up a little. Then I’m going
lay it all out for you.”
 That was nice. It’d been a long time since someone
cared about my comfort.
“I’d like a cup of coffee, too, if I’m allowed.”
“I’ll ask on my way past the nurse’s station. Be right
back.”
He stood and stretched, the hem of his T-shirt rode up,
exposing a sliver of mouth-watering flesh. I may’ve been
laid up in a hospital bed, pissed off at him, but I wasn’t
dead. There was no doubt Ethan Lenox was a fine example
of male sexiness.
“I love you, Honor.” He winked and leaned down to kiss
my forehead.
He strode out the door, and I couldn’t bring myself to
care he’d caught me checking him out. Now that I was
alone in my room, nerves set in and had me questioning my
reasoning for bringing Chrissy up first thing in the
morning. I’d always heard the saying, don’t ask questions
you don’t want the answers to, and the more I thought
about the possible answers, the less I wanted them. Then
there was the added complication that the woman had
saved my life. Of all the people in the world who could’ve
been there to help me it had to be her.
“Good morning, Honor.” A chipper nurse walked into my
room. “I’m Betty. I’ll be your nurse today.”
“Hi, Betty.” I smiled back, her friendly disposition
infectious.
“Where’s your pain level, sweetie?” she asked as she
looked at one of the many monitors surrounding my bed.
“About a six.”
“I’ll get you something,” she said and started to pump
up the blood pressure cuff around my bicep.
“Please don’t. Not yet. The pain medicine puts me to
sleep, and I just woke up.”
I didn’t want to tell her it was because I wanted to hear
what Ethan had to say and I’d need my wits about me.
 She removed her stethoscope from my arm and tucked it
into the pocket of her scrubs before she gave me an
apprising once over. “Not that I blame you, wanting to be
awake with a fiancé as handsome as yours, but you can’t
get behind the pain. Your body needs to recover and the
best way for that to happen is if you are relaxed and not
hurting.” She walked around the foot of the bed. Coming to
my right side, she pulled back my hospital gown and
checked my chest tube. “Everything looks great. I told
Ethan you could have one cup of coffee. I’ll make you a
deal. We’ll wait on your pain meds until breakfast is
served.”
“Deal.”
“Can I get you anything before I leave?” she asked.
I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted without
sounding vain, but I wanted to see how bad I looked.
“Is there a mirror I can use? And maybe get my brush
out of my purse.” I looked around the room, not sure if my
belongings had been retrieved from my car. “If it’s here.”
“Are you sure?”
Whoa. Her question gave me pause. What did she mean
was I sure? Should I not have been? How bad did I look?
“Um, I thought I was.”
“Oh, sweetie, I didn’t mean the mirror. You’re beautiful.
I meant, the brush. You have stitches right on your hairline.
You’ll need to be careful not to tug them. Dr. Levine was
very careful not to have to shave the area.” Betty pulled a
hand mirror out of a drawer and handed it to me. “I think
he did a great job. You should only have minimal scarring.”
I held the mirror with shaky hands. Come on, Honor, just
look. I brought it up to face level and opened my eyes, the
reflection staring back at me could’ve been worse—but it
wasn’t all that great. Tiny, black stitches ran nearly an inch
across my forehead. Betty was right, the doctor had done a
great job staying as close as he could to my hairline. If I
wanted to, I could always wear bangs and the scar would
be hidden. There was a yellowish bruise around the area
and a faint greenish hue on my right cheek and lower
eyelid. All in all, it was better than I thought it would be. I
looked back at the stitches and changed my mind about
brushing my hair.
“Maybe just a hair tie. I’ll wait to brush it.”
“Okay, sweetie.” She opened up the same drawer she’d
retrieved the mirror from and pulled a black, elastic hair
band off the cardboard packaging. “We keep extras in all
the rooms. You know how quickly these little buggers can
break. Do you need me to help you? You can’t lift your right
arm over your head with the tube in.”
Well, damn. I hadn’t thought about that. Not wanting to
put Betty out, I was ready to refuse when the
grandmotherly woman stepped to my side and started to
gather my hair.
“Thank you,” I told her once she had my hair fastened in
a low ponytail.
“Anything you need.”
Ethan opened the door but stopped when he saw Betty.
“Do you need me to wait outside?” His gaze darted
between Betty and me.
“No, sir, we’re all done. Buzz me if you need anything.”
She patted my shoulder and started for the door. Before
she could step back into the hallway Betty snapped her
fingers and turned back to us. “Your mother already called
the nurses station this morning to check on our beautiful
patient. She didn’t want to wake you but asked me to tell
you, she’ll be by around three with your daughter. As I
know you are aware, no children are allowed on this floor. I
will be on break from three to three fifteen.” Then Betty
lowered her voice. “Who am I to keep a cute little girl from
her mama.”
“Thank you,” Ethan answered.
The door softly clicked behind Betty, and the room filled
with trepidation. Mine—not Ethan’s.
 “Why didn’t you correct Betty?”
“About what?”
“Come on, Ethan, you know about what.”
“What do you want to start with first?” he asked,
ignoring my question.
I knew what he was asking, I just wasn’t sure how to
answer. Chrissy following me or Chrissy showing up at the
house and him shutting down, pushing me away, and acting
like a sulking jerk?
With the ache on my left side intensifying I opted for the
more to the point conversation about Chrissy behaving like
a stalker and tailing me.
“The accident,” I told him.
“Chrissy was following you, so she could see Carson.
That was because when she came to the house on Sunday, I
told her no. Her plan was to follow you into the store and
watch from a distance so she could see Carson.”
“See her? She didn’t want to take her?”
“No. And she didn’t even really want to talk to her. She
just wanted to see her.”
I didn’t understand why Chrissy didn’t want to take
Carson. Not that I wasn’t grateful she hadn’t planned on
kidnapping her, but that would make more sense to me.
Why would a mother only want to see her child?
“That’s crazy! What about Carson? Didn’t she stop to
think about what it would do to her? A strange woman
shows up and says hey, I’m your mom. I just wanted to stop
by and see how pretty you are, but I don’t want anything to
do with you. No fucking way!” Ethan’s smile took me off
guard. “What?”
“That’s exactly what I said to her on Sunday before I
told her to go home and never come back.”
“But she didn’t listen,” I said unnecessarily.
“She didn’t. And now I’m torn between being fucking
furious and beyond grateful. Who knows what would’ve
happened if Chrissy hadn’t been there. She was the first on
the scene and was able to give you the medical care you
needed on site as well as in the ambulance.”
Shit on a shingle. His feelings mirrored my own. I
wished to God Chrissy would’ve never shown up at all, but
if she hadn’t been there, I could’ve died.
“What about Carson? What did she say to her? Did she
tell her?”
Anxiety crept in and threatened to choke me. Carson
would have so many questions.
“Chrissy didn’t have any interaction with her other than
treating her at the scene. When Chrissy came into the
waiting area to tell everyone you were out of surgery, my
mom took Carson out of the room.” Ethan stopped and
inhaled, holding his breath for a moment before he blew it
out. So much pain passed over his features before he began
again. “Though, you should know, after she told me she’d
witnessed the accident and was able to give the make and
model, as well as, a partial plate, I offered her the
opportunity to talk to Carson.”
“You what? Why, Ethan?”
“She saved your life,” he mumbled. “I don’t know what I
would’ve done if I’d lost you. I felt obligated. If there’s one
feeling I hate, it’s guilt. And I’d rather you and I have to
answer questions from Carson, rather than feel guilty for
the rest of my life. Chrissy gave life to the two most
important people to me. One she saved, one she bore. I felt
like I owed it to her.”
I didn’t know what to say to Ethan. I was in the same
predicament as him. I didn’t particularly like the woman
and I really hated what this could mean for Carson, but the
fact remained—Chrissy had been in the right place at the
right time. And as much as I wanted to pretend she didn’t
exist, she did. And if I was going to be in Carson’s and
Ethan’s lives, I’d have to accept that fact.
“What did she say? Did Carson talk to her?” I held my
breath waiting for his answer. I was pretty sure the answer
was, no. Carson would’ve told me.
“No. Chrissy changed her mind. Upon further reflection,
she agreed it was selfish of her to speak to Carson when
she had no intention of being a part of her life. But she did
have a request.”
“What kind of request?”
If Chrissy thought she was seeing Ethan again, she had
another thing coming. As grateful as I was, I wasn’t that
grateful. There was no way I was allowing her to spend any
more time with him just so she could fuck with his head.
“She wants to check on you before she goes home.”
“Check on me?”
“That’s what she said.”
What the fuck? What was her game?
“What did you tell her?”
“That it was up to you and I’d talk to you about it.”
“Huh?”
“If you don’t want to, I’ll tell her to fuck off. If you’d like
to talk to her, I’ll be here with you—or not. Whichever you
prefer.”
“You’d let me talk to her?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
I was about to remind him of all the reasons I’d think he
wouldn’t let me when a sharp, stabbing pain radiated from
my left side.
“Time for your pain meds, smalls. We’ll continue this
later.”
I didn’t bother arguing with him, the pain was that bad.
I knew I’d be out in a matter of minutes after the nurse
gave me the medication, and I welcomed the dark abyss.
I was impressed Ethan had been so forthcoming. Not
that he’d divulged any deep, dark secrets but at least he
wasn’t shutting me out. I’d give him points for that, though
he was still a long way away from earning my trust back. I
was relieved we had a start. I didn’t want to lose Carson
and Ethan, but I had to put myself first in this situation.
Maybe I should’ve felt a little guilty, but I didn’t. If I didn’t
value myself and my needs, how would he? And if he didn’t,
how would we ever truly be happy?
Relationships were about give and take, and right now it
was my turn to take. If he could give me this one small
thing, I could spend the rest of my life making sure he and
Carson were happy.
 24

I was happy Honor had spent most of the day resting.

She woke up when my mom and Carson came for a
visit and stayed awake for the fifteen minutes the
nurse was away and Carson could be in her room. Within
minutes of their departure she fell back to sleep.
Dr. Levine had come in and checked the incision from
her splenectomy and assured us it looked great and was
healing. He was also happy with the progress her lung had
made. She’d have another x-ray tomorrow, and he’d make
the decision then about when he’d release her. Honor
drifted in and out of sleep the whole time the doctor was
examining her and she hadn’t woken up until dinner time.
After complaining the food tasted like shit, I ignored her
protests and called my dad. He dropped off a bowl of
chicken soup and bread, along with some pre-approved
snacks.
A knock on the door drew my attention from the
conversation my dad and Honor were having, and I found
Lorenz standing in the doorway with a huge bouquet of
flowers.
“Hope this isn’t a bad time” He entered the small room,
walking towards me.
“Not at all.” I stood and shook my partner’s hand.
 “I was gonna call but I wanted to bring these by.” He set
the vase down on a side table and turned to Honor. “How
are you feeling?”
“Like I slammed into a pole.” She smiled and laughed
when Lorenz’s scowl matched mine. I hadn’t meant to allow
the growl to slip past my lips, but I didn’t see anything
funny about her almost dying. “Jeez. Lighten up. I feel fine.
A little tired and sore. But I think I’ll live. Thank you for the
flowers. They’re beautiful.”
“You’re welcome. Mind if I steal Ethan away for a
minute?”
“Wait. Is this about the accident?” Honor asked.
Lorenz shifted his gaze to me, confirming he indeed had
news. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, I didn’t
want to discuss the case in front of Honor. Yet, I knew I had
to. I couldn’t continue to keep things from her, even if I
knew they were going to stress her out or scare her.
“It’s okay. Whatever it is, Honor needs to know.”
“All right, brother. But brace, this shit is whacked. We
made an arrest this afternoon—Samuel Harris.”
“What? Why did you arrest Sam?” Honor asked.
“I knew there was something off about that
motherfucker,” I spit out. “Did you get a confession?”
“No and we won’t need it. We ran the partial plate, and
when Sam’s name came up, we went to interview him at
the Gold Suites, where he and his father are staying. We
found his car in the parking lot. Left front bumper is torn to
hell and white paint from Honor’s Honda was clearly
visible.”
“What?” Honor repeated horrified. “Sam ran me off the
road?”
“I’m afraid it looks that way,” Lorenz told her.
Fuck. This was my fault, I should’ve done something to
keep Sam and Frank away from Honor. I didn’t like the way
Sam was eyeing her the night at the restaurant, and the
congressman had out and out threatened her.
 “What about Frank?”
“He has an alibi. His aide swears they were in his room
all day going over budget cuts.”
“Shit. You know he’s involved.”
“You’ll never prove it,” Honor spoke up. “Jessica, his
aide, will lie through her teeth for him. She’s one of his
many mistresses. It’s been going on for years. She’ll swear
to anything he tells her to. I can see Frank wanting me
dead. But Sam? He’s too weak. He’s a puppet. But I guess
if Frank ordered him to kill me, he obviously would. Or try
at least.”
“Frank is distancing himself from his son. He sent a
lawyer but has yet to go to central booking and see him.”
“Thank you for catching who did this to me.” Her tone
was hushed. “I’m sorry, Ethan. Carson could’ve been
injured, and it would’ve been my fault. He was trying to
hurt me.”
“No, smalls. It would’ve been Sam’s fault. I should’ve
taken their threats seriously.”

“H E THREATENED H ONOR ?” My dad had his hands tightly

clinched, and the vein on the side of his neck pulsed. “Why
didn’t you come to me?”
“I asked him not to.” Honor turned her head towards
him, a pained look on her face. “I was embarrassed about
my association with them. And then there was Frank’s plan.
I didn’t want you and Lily to know.”
“Don’t make excuses for me, Honor. I should’ve known
better. I told you, you don’t have anything to be
embarrassed about. This is on me. I didn’t take him
seriously.”
I spent the next thirty minutes explaining Frank’s desire
to force Honor to marry Greg, the threats he’d made,
however I did leave out the contract. That was something
I’d tell my dad in private. Honor answered the questions
my dad and Lorenz had, albeit with hesitation and rosy
cheeks.
“I’ll ask Levi and Blake to comb through Frank’s life.
Sam’s, too,” my dad announced when I was done filling
them in.
“You don’t have to,” Honor told him.
“Yeah, I do. Neither of them will be a problem for you.
From here on out, you’re protected. If you see Frank, you
call one of us.”
Honor assessed the situation and came to the right
decision. Arguing with my dad wasn’t going to get her
anywhere. Lorenz made his exit, and my dad stood to
follow. Before he left the room, he gave Honor some truths
about my family.
“I hope you don’t think I’m stepping out of bounds here,
but there are a few things you need to understand. We
protect what’s ours. And not just me and Ethan. Jasper,
Clark, and Levi will protect you as well. It’s what we do.
You’re family, Honor, one of us. That means you fall under
the umbrella of protection. You never, and I mean never,
feel ashamed or too embarrassed to come to us. Ethan
loves you, and that’s all we need to know about what kind
of woman you are.”
Honor didn’t answer, instead her lips pinched together,
tears filled her eyes, and she nodded her understanding.
“Thanks, Dad.” I reached out my hand to shake his, and
he pulled me in for a hug and whispered, “Do whatever you
have to do to make sure she doesn’t walk away. Now is the
time to grovel. And son, it doesn’t make you less of a man—
it makes you a smart one.”
“I plan to.”
“Good.” He stepped away from me and opened the door.
“I’m out of here. My granddaughter has requested mint
chocolate chip ice cream.”
“Dad—”
 “Son, there’s nothing you can say that’s going to stop
me from spoiling her. Save your breath.”
“Right.”
“See you both tomorrow.”
My dad left, leaving me with a crying Honor. I carefully
sat on the bed and gathered both her hands in mine and
waited for her to look at me.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I can’t believe Sam tried to kill me.”
“I can. I knew there was something wrong with the way
he was staring at you at the restaurant. Combine that with
all the stalkerish shit he did when you were teenagers—I
should’ve been more careful.
“This isn’t your fault.”
“Sure it is.”
“You mean like it would’ve been my fault if Carson got
hurt?”
I clenched my jaw to prevent myself from sounding like
a misogynist pig. I doubted she wanted to hear how it was
my job, as the man, to protect her—and I’d failed. Not to
mention, Carson had been in the car. It was absolutely my
job to keep her safe.
“Point taken. How’s your pain level? Tired?”
“I’m fine. Will you tell me about last Sunday?” she
asked.
I wished we were at home, so I could lie next her and
gather her in my arms. I didn’t want to talk to her about
Chrissy, but if I had to, I’d prefer it be done while I could
hold her close.
“I was so scared to tell my parents. Did I tell you where
we were when I told them?” She shook her head and I
chuckled at the memory. “My cousin Nick’s housewarming
party. Everyone was there. I’d kept the secret for like a
week, and it was eating away at me. I had to get it off my
chest so I could breathe. I think I told them there so my
dad couldn’t kill me, too many witnesses. Which was
stupid, my uncles would have helped him bury my body and
never ask questions. I was most afraid to see the
disappointment on their faces. But, as mad as they were,
they supported me. My mom’s only request was that I finish
school. And my dad actually told me he was proud I’d
decided to step up and be a father. But I was still scared
and doubted I could do it.”
“But you had your family, Ethan. You know they’d never
let you fail.”
“I knew that. But I was still secretly pissed I was willing
to own my responsibilities, but Chrissy was going to walk
away.” I stopped to contemplate my next words. I had to
tell Honor everything, even the ugly parts, if I wanted her
to understand. I hoped like hell she wouldn’t think less of
me once she knew the type of person I was. “When I
brought Carson home from the hospital my world changed.
My friends disappeared, my opportunities, my goals, my
dreams—all gone. I was no longer living for myself but for
Carson. That’s what a parent does. But a sixteen-year-old
parent who never had a chance to grow up starts to
become resentful. I resented Chrissy’s ability to realize
every dream she ever had. The military was no longer an
option for me. Something I’d wanted since I was a little boy.
I always knew I’d follow in my dad’s footsteps. But I felt
like Chrissy had stolen that from me. I hated her for it.
Then there was no more going to regular school for me. I
isolated myself because I was so different from all my old
friends. I had a baby and all the responsibility that came
with her. I refused to let her down. I threw myself into
homeschool and then found a career where I could still
protect and serve, even if it wasn’t in the way I’d always
dreamt of.”
“Handsome, I think you’re too hard on yourself. Of
course you’d feel some sort of resentment. You were
sixteen. Hell, I know plenty of people who have found
themselves in your situation as adults and hate the other
parent when they abandon their responsibility.”
“I let the hate and resentment for her rule my life and
every decision I made. I keep screwing things up with you
because I’m so fucking afraid you’ll leave me. In my mind,
Chrissy was supposed to love Carson enough to want to
stay. Even if she didn’t love me, she should’ve loved her
daughter. I’ve spent the last eight years wondering what it
was I did or didn’t do to make her leave her own child. It
had to be me because Carson was perfect.”
“Really? It had to be all about you. Are you so egotistical
that you made a woman’s decision about if she wanted to
be a parent about you? What about her choice? Maybe it
was about her and not you.”
“Turns out it was about her. I asked her after she told
me about your surgery, why she didn’t stick around for
Carson. She told me she never wanted to be a parent, still
doesn’t. She’s happy living her life child-free.”
“So why did you shut me out when she came by your
house?”
“Our house,” I corrected. “I’ve always been scared
Chrissy would change her mind and come back and try and
take Carson from me. That’s why I overreacted when we
first met at the park. I saw you taking Carson’s picture and
the first thing I thought was Chrissy had hired a PI to
follow us and take pictures.”
“Me? A PI?” Honor smiled at the absurdity. “Looking at
it from your point of view I can understand why you’d be
worried. Hell, I’m worried Chrissy is even in the same state
as Carson. I love her so much, I don’t know what I’d do if
Chrissy tried to take her from you.”
“From us.”
God, I’d fucked up so badly. Why hadn’t I listened to
everyone and talked to Honor about Chrissy the day she
came by the house? Instead, I’d let something so stupid
draw out and had hurt the woman I loved due to my
inability to man up and tell her the truth about my feelings.
“So, you thought she’d try and take her?”
“No. Chrissy told me she didn’t want her. She wasn’t
there to take Carson, but her presence threw me back to a
time where I’d begged her to stay and raise Carson with
me. Every time I pleaded, she’d refused. It didn’t matter
what I said, she was leaving. Which brought me to you. If I
couldn’t compel the mother of my child to stay with me,
what would happen when you tried to leave me, and I
couldn’t make you love me.”
“You can’t make me love you. Not in the way you’re
talking about. And why would you want to? You’d never be
happy with me if you had to make me stay? I don’t want to
leave you, Ethan, but you have to trust me. You don’t need
to try and do anything. I love you because of who you are,
both as a man and as a father. This is never going to work if
we can’t communicate.”
“You’re right. And I do trust you. I think I have to learn
to trust myself and let go of the guilt I feel.”
It felt good to get the weight of my issues off my
shoulders and let Honor in. I’ve been so used to bottling up
my feelings and keeping everything to myself that it was
strange, in a good way, to have someone to share them
with. I’d never trusted anyone enough to talk about how
much I resented Chrissy for being able to go forward with
her life. I knew it didn’t mean I loved Carson any less, but I
still worried how it would make me look.
“What do you have to feel guilty about?”
“That I’m not giving Carson—”
“Stop,” Honor cut me off. “You’re a damn good father.
We’ve talked about this before. That little girl wants for
nothing. She has so many people around her that love her
and spoil her it’s not even funny. Hell, your big, badass dad
is making a special stop to pick up ice cream for her. I
know all she had to do was ask nicely and he caved,
uncaring it was a school night. He’d give her the world if
she asked. And, handsome, Carson has everything she
needs in you. The rest? The extras? They’re just icing on an
already delicious cake. You have a great job, a nice house,
and you provide everything she needs. To hell with Chrissy.
Her loss—not Carson’s.”
I loved how fierce Honor became when she spoke about
Carson. Another regret, not falling to my knees and
thanking my lucky stars this woman loved me and my
daughter. Instead I’d behaved like a fucking coward and
had run.
“I should also tell you, when Carson asked if you were
going to be her mom, I was so fucking happy. I remembered
what you’d said about me not having found the right
woman before you. The woman I wanted as my wife and
Carson’s mom. I’d already recognized who you were to me
and who I wanted you to be in the future. But hearing
Carson tell me she felt it too was . . . well, it was beyond
words. And I ruined it by allowing my insecurities about
Chrissy to override what I knew to be true.”
“Who am I to you, Ethan?”
“My everything. The woman I’m going to marry. The
mother of my children. My teammate. My friend. You are
my first thought each morning and last person I want to
hold every night. I will prove to you I’m the man for you. I’ll
stop at nothing until you know, deep in your soul, how
much I love you and how sorry I am. I didn’t mean what I
said to you in your room. I am ready. More than. I want us
to be a family.”
“You said you needed time and we were going too fast.”
“Did you miss the part where I said I was an idiot, and a
coward, and I was acting like a scared little boy, instead of
a man who knew with great certainty he’d found his other
half?”
Honor smiled, and, for the first time since Sunday, it was
a real honest to God grin.
 “I must’ve missed that part.”
“I’ll work on my communication skills. But next time I
act like an asshole, please don’t run. I’m begging you to
stay and fight for us. I’m man enough to admit I will fuck
up in the future. But we have to be in this together. I trust
you won’t abandon me and Carson if you can trust me when
I tell you I am working on letting my past go.”
“I can do that.”
“Thank you.”
There’s a saying—once words are spoken they can be
forgiven but not forgotten. It would be a while before the
careless words I’d said to Honor would be forgiven. But
they would be. If I worked every day, giving her nothing but
love and happiness, the sting of my stupidity would fade.
She was giving me a chance. That’s all I needed.
 25

“A re you sure about this?” Ethan asked, pacing

the hospital room.
“Yes. We talked about it.”
It was day four of my hospital stay, and I was going
home. All we were waiting for was the final discharge
papers from Dr. Levine. I was under strict orders to go
home and rest. No running or exercise for three weeks,
until my lung was fully healed. The stitches on my forehead
and abdomen would have to stay in another week, but I
didn’t care. I was going home.
“We did. But it’s not too late to change your mind.”
“Ethan, she’s on her way. I need to do this. I think you
need it, too. What are you so worried about? And stop
pacing, you’re gonna wear a hole in the floor.”
He finally stopped his patrol and sat down in the chair
next to my bed; the one he’d been sleeping in every night.
True to his word, he hadn’t left the hospital. Lily had
brought Carson in every day, however, the fifteen-minute
visits weren’t enough. I missed her, and I knew Carson was
missing Ethan and her own bed. I’d pleaded with Ethan to
go home and get Carson settled, but he’d refused. I leave
when you leave is all he’d say. We’d talked well into the
early morning hours last night and he’d opened up about
his experience as a young dad. Once again, I was
impressed by his love for Carson and his commitment to
ensure she had a great childhood. Every story was about
Carson, every move he’d made had been well thought out,
keeping only Carson’s happiness in mind. He told me how
he’d struggled with the decision to become a police officer
and how he still felt guilt over choosing such a dangerous
profession. He was too hard on himself. And boy was he
still pissed at Chrissy. He hid it well, I wouldn’t have
guessed he’d harbored so much anger, but he did. Most of
it was on Carson’s behalf. Ethan was worried Carson would
grow up and feel cheated because she only had one parent.
But the strange part was, Ethan never had made the effort
to date. It was this weird cycle. Guilt, anger, resentment,
fear. He had to break it.
I was hoping Chrissy’s visit today would be a start.
“I’m not worried about anything,” he answered. “Fine.
I’m worried. I don’t know why, although, having her
anywhere in Georgia worries me.”
“Everything will be fine,” I assured him. “There’s
nothing she can say that will change my mind or how much
I love you. I want to thank her for her help and ask for
myself what her intentions are with Carson.” I held up my
hand when he tried to interrupt. “I know what you’ve told
me. But I need to hear it from her.”
“I love you, Honor.”
There was a knock on the door, halting my response.
Ethan walked across the room and opened the door. When
he turned toward me to allow Chrissy to enter, his brow
pinched together, and his big, strong frame vibrated with
uncertainly. I hated this for him. There was no reason for
him to be nervous. There was nothing Chrissy could do to
us.
“Thanks for seeing me.” Chrissy’s voice wobbled. She
entered the room, and Ethan shut the door behind her.
 I was thankful I’d been able to change out of the hospital
gown and was in my regular clothes. Sure, I wasn’t looking
my best, but at least I wasn’t still leashed to the bed by the
chest tube. I needed to be on even ground with the woman
who’d given birth to the little girl I’d come to love.
“Of course. Ethan said you wanted to talk to me before
you left.”
This meeting was her idea. She obviously had something
she wanted to say. It was up to her to start the
conversation.
“I . . . um . . . wanted to make sure you were okay. And
apologize for following you and Carson.”
I took her in, really studied her for the first time. She
was an attractive woman, which wasn’t surprising. Carson
was beautiful. I noted the similarities between the two and
was surprised when I didn’t feel any jealousy—I felt sorry
for Chrissy.
“About that. Why were you following me?”
“Do you mind?” Chrissy gestured to a chair near the
window.
“Please, make yourself comfortable.”
I watched as Chrissy crossed the room on shaky legs
and sat, clasping her hands in front her. She briefly glanced
at Ethan before her attention swung back to me.
“I’m sure Ethan told you I asked him if I could see
Carson. For good reason, he told me no. I wasn’t happy
with his answer and, selfishly, still wanted to see her. As I
told Ethan, I wasn’t going to approach you or try to take
her or even talk to either of you. I just wanted to see her.”
“Why now?” I asked.
Chrissy flinched at my question and looked away.
“I wanted to see her just once before I go blind.” She
spoke so softly I thought I’d misunderstood.
“Blind?” I questioned.
“I have retinal degeneration. I’m not telling you this to
excuse my behavior or so either of you will pity me. But it’s
the reason why, after all these years, I came back. My
doctor told me I needed to do and see everything I wanted
while I still could. The only thing I wanted to see before I
lose my sight was Carson.”
“There’s no treatment?” Ethan asked.
“No. I’ve already tried gene therapy, but there was no
improvement. I’ve made peace with it. Carson was the only
regret I had. Never seeing her has haunted me. I’m sorry, I
went against your wishes. It was selfish and underhanded.
You have my word, I won’t bother your family again.”
Shit on a shingle. What did I do with the news of
Chrissy’s illness? I couldn’t blame her for wanting to see
Carson before she lost her eyesight.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I asked Chrissy.
“She is. And smart. You’ve done a wonderful job with
her, Ethan. I always knew you’d be a great dad. I can never
thank you enough for keeping her and loving her. You’ve
given her the family I never could have.”
“She has a good life,” I told her. “Ethan and his family
love her very much. She has all of them wrapped around
her finger. Lily has taught her how to bake. Lenox takes her
fishing. Levi has taught her how to throw a football. Ethan
has provided her with everything she needs. Carson wants
for nothing.”
I don’t know why it felt necessary to reassure Chrissy
that Carson was well cared for, but I knew she needed it.
She may not have wanted to be a mother, but it was easy to
see she did care for Carson. Perhaps it was because of her
love for her daughter she was willing to give her up for
adoption. If she knew she wasn’t in the position to be a
mom, and never would be, giving her child to a family that
could provide all the things she couldn’t would be the
ultimate sacrifice. Chrissy was lucky Ethan had been ready
and able to keep Carson.
“Thank you.” Chrissy swiped at tears as they rolled
down her cheeks. “I needed to hear that. Even though I
know I made the right decision, it doesn’t mean I don’t
think about her. That I don’t love her.”
“How long do you have? You know . . . before . . .” Ethan
awkwardly asked.
“Maybe a year. Two at most. Retinitis Pigmentosa is
aggressive and most patients are legally blind by forty. I’m
one of the lucky ones that will be blind before thirty.”
Chrissy tried to laugh off her discomfort but failed
miserably. “My night vision is all but gone. And within six to
nine months my vision will no longer be correctable.”
“Lucky for me, you didn’t need your vision to save my
life.” My attempt to lighten the conversation fell short, just
as hers had.
“That’s true. I’ve put in hundreds of chest tubes. I don’t
need my sight, I can do it by touch alone.” She smiled.
“Though, I don’t think I saved your life. I’m fairly confident
the paramedic would’ve been able to insert the cath if I
hadn’t been there.”
“I don’t think that’s the case. The EMT was more
concerned with putting in Honor’s IV, not her breathing
and heart rate. You picked up on the signs, and, because of
your quick assessment, she’s leaving the hospital four days
later with a promising recovery. You did that.”
“How are you feeling?” Chrissy asked.
“Better. Still sore when I take a deep breath or laugh but
I’ve been told it can take four to six weeks for the pain to
subside.”
There was a knock and then the door opened, and Dr.
Levine walked in.
“Dr. Krier, nice to see you. Stopping by to double check
my diagnosis?” Dr. Levine chuckled good naturedly.
“I wouldn’t think of it. I was only stopping by to say
hello.”
Dr. Levine set the laptop he was carrying on the counter
and pointed to the x-ray on the screen. He motioned for
Chrissy to look at the black-and-white image, pointing out
areas of interest. Their conversation faded into the
background while I concentrated on Ethan. He looked
conflicted. I could sympathize, I, too, felt the same way. I
wanted him to find closure, however I was afraid the news
of Chrissy’s disease was going to leave him feeling more
guilt.
“Everything looks great, Honor. You’re healthy and
active. I bet you’ll be closer to the four-week spectrum as
long as you take it easy,” Chrissy said, not taking her eyes
off the screen. I wondered how well she could see the
image. How much longer did she have before she’d have to
give up doing what she loved.
“She’s going home and getting into bed. I’ll make sure
she doesn’t overdo it,” Ethan vowed.
I wanted to argue that I didn’t need help, but the ache in
my chest told me I did. And I didn’t want any lasting
damaged that would prevent me from living a full life.
“That’s good,” Dr. Levine said. “I left your discharge
papers on the counter. The number to my call service is on
there. Use it if you have any questions, and I’ll see you in
my office to remove your stitches.”
“Thank you, Dr. Levine.” I smiled at him. I was so happy
to leave I could barely stand it.
“You’re very welcome. Oh, and wait for the nurse to
come and get you.”
“Yes. VIP wheelchair service, she already told me.”
He picked up his laptop and headed for the door, turning
back to smile at Chrissy. “Nice to see you again, Dr. Krier.”
“You too.”
What? Did I sense some mild flirtation and interest
between the two doctors? Ethan’s smirk confirmed my
suspicions. He sensed it too.
“What?” Chrissy asked when Dr. Levine closed the door.
“Nothing,” Ethan laughed.
“Come on. What’s funny?” she tried again.
“I think the good doctor was flirting with you,” I offered.
 “I think you bumped your head harder than we originally
thought. He was being nice.”
“Right,” Ethan laughed harder. “He wasn’t that nice to
me, or Honor.”
Chrissy blushed and lowered her head.
“You think?” She smiled.
“Oh, yeah,” I answered.
“Huh. Too bad I live on the other side of the country. And
besides, I’ve found that doctors are a pain in the ass. I
don’t date them.”
Maybe it was weird the three of us were sitting in a
hospital room discussing the type of man Ethan’s ex now
dated, but it was strangely nice.
“When are you leaving?” Ethan asked.
“In a few hours.”
“Will you leave me your email address?” I blurted out.
Maybe I should’ve checked with Ethan before I’d asked,
but there wasn’t time. Chrissy was getting ready to leave.
She glanced at Ethan, and he nodded. “Sure.” Her
answer was unsure and hesitant.
“If you’d like, Honor can email you some pictures of
Carson,” Ethan told her, picking up on what I was offering.
“I’d like that.”
“Chrissy, I can’t say I’m happy with how you handled the
situation, but I understand,” Ethan told her.
“I know I screwed up. I promise you it will never happen
again.”
“But, I can’t say I’m not pleased you were there to take
care of Honor and Carson. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome.” Then her gaze was on me, assessing
me the same way I’d done to her. “Thank you for loving
them. I’m glad you’re all right.”
“It’s no hardship, and me too.”
“Well, I’m sure you’re eager to leave. I’m gonna go; I
have a flight to catch.”
“Be well, Chrissy.”
 “You, too, Ethan.”
She waved and just like that she was gone.
Ethan didn’t speak for a while and when he looked at me
I wanted to flinch at the pain I saw. But I had to be strong
for him. For us. So I waited until he was ready.
“Thank you for knowing what I needed even when I
didn’t.”
His statement surprised me, and I was a little shocked
he’d seen right through my intentions. I did want to thank,
Chrissy, and I did want to hear for myself why she’d come
back, but more than that I’d wanted Ethan to find the
answers he needed.
“Did it help?”
“If by help you mean I feel like a jackass, then, yes. I’ve
harbored some seriously fucked up thoughts about her over
the years. Turns out my assumptions were wrong. I now
believe she did have Carson’s best interest in mind when
she gave her up. I can’t judge her for knowing what she
could and couldn’t offer Carson. And I also can’t be upset
that she gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received.” He
stopped speaking and moved to my bedside, lifting my hand
from my lap. He brought it to his lips and kissed each
knuckle. “That is, until you agree to be my wife and give
me more children. Then that will be one of my greatest
gifts.”
It was a start. Ethan could finally move on. And so could
I.
“Take me home.”
“With pleasure.”
I really needed the nurse to hurry up. The no exertion
rule was going to kill me. I wondered if kissing was
considered a laborious action. Remembering the way
Ethan’s lips felt on mine, and the way his tongue drove me
into a sex-crazed frenzy, I figured it did. But it wasn’t going
to stop me. It had been too long since I’d been in his arms.
 26

“Y ou’re sure?”
“Ethan, go to work. It’s been three days. I’m
fine. And your mom is here to help me. You’re
driving me batty,” Honor complained.
I didn’t want to go to work. This was my first shift since
I’d arrived at the accident scene. The vision still haunted
me, not that I’d tell Honor that. She had enough on her
plate, and I didn’t feel one bit of remorse for not piling
more on.
Sam was still in jail, having been denied bail, even after
his over-priced lawyer had argued for his release. The
judge had deemed him a flight risk and hadn’t taken kindly
to Sam’s entitled attitude. It was worth noting the
congressman had not shown up for his son’s bail hearing.
As a matter of fact, he hadn’t been seen since Lorenz and
Detective Wild had interviewed him. He seemed to be lying
low until the media shit storm passed. It had me worried
that my dad and uncles hadn’t been able to track him
down. That meant he was purposefully hiding, and innocent
men didn’t hide, not even politicians.
“I won’t be home until late. My dad said he and Carson
would be done fishing in time to bring you and mom lunch
when he drops her off.”
 “Okay. We’ll be fine. Between you and your mom the
house is fully stocked. I am capable of making dinner.”
“No way. You need to rest.”
“Handsome, you and Carson have waited on me hand
and foot. I’m not saying I don’t love the attention, but I’m
fine. Please stop worrying and go catch some bad guys. The
sooner you leave the sooner you’ll be home.”
She was right. The faster I got this shift over with, the
faster I could crawl in bed next to her and hold her. Carson
and I had taken up residence in her room. I didn’t want her
climbing the stairs to my room, and Carson didn’t want to
be left out. So the three of us had squished into her queen-
sized bed. As soon as Honor was completely healed, we’d
be having a discussion about her moving her belongings up
to my room. She could use the downstairs bedroom as an
office. But I wanted her in my bed every night.
Carson hadn’t blinked at the change in our family
dynamic. I no longer tried to hide my displays of affection
and openly kissed Honor and held her hand. Child friendly
of course, but I wasn’t looking over my shoulder before I
pecked Honor’s cheek or forehead. Another thing that had
changed, and had come quite naturally, was that Carson
often told Honor she loved her, and Honor didn’t hide the
sentiment either. It wasn’t discussed, and no one made a
big deal out of it. Things were simply moving in the right
direction.
We’d quietly talked late into the night—about nothing
and everything. Honor had been forthcoming telling me
how much my silence had hurt her, and I vowed never to
shut her out again. To say I’d learned my lesson was an
understatement. I’d never do anything to jeopardize what
we had. I’d fight to keep her. And as soon as she was up for
it, I was going to ask her to marry me. I wanted my ring on
her finger and a date set.
“All right, I can take a hint. I’m leaving.”
 “It wasn’t as much of a hint as it was an ‘in your face’
request. You need to stop. You’re stressing yourself out. I
don’t want you thinking about me when you need to be
concentrating on staying safe.”
“Sorry, but it’s impossible for me to stop thinking about
you. But, I will be safe. I love you.”
“I love you, too, handsome. Now go.”

“A NYTHING new on the Sam Harris case?” I asked Lorenz

when he walked into the locker room at the station.
“The DA seems to think she has an open and shut case.
But something’s bothering me.”
“What does Detective Wild think?”
I knew my partner, he always spoke his mind. If he
thought there was an issue, he would’ve shared it with the
detective investigating the case.
“He agrees with me. The DA is jumping the gun. She
thinks she has a straightforward case because the car is
registered to Sam, the paint transfer matches Honor’s
Honda, and he has personal ties to her. With your
statement corroborating hers about the altercation at the
restaurant. She thinks she has it in the bag. But we both
know a good defense attorney is going to poke so many
holes in her case it’s going to leak like a sieve. However,
she won’t listen. But we need more.”
“Can I look over the evidence?”
“No go. You need to keep your nose out of it.”
He was right, but I still wanted to see the case file.
Conflict of interest was a bitch. If Sam’s attorney caught
wind I’d even glanced at the evidence he’d scream foul. I
wouldn’t jeopardize the prosecution’s case, but I would
offer Lorenz my opinion.
“How’s Honor?” He changed the subject.
 “Apparently, I hover. Other than me annoying her, she’s
fine. The bruising has faded, and her stitches come out in a
few days.”
“That’s good. When she’s ready, Maria would like to
have you guys over for dinner.” I tried to stifle a groan, but
Lorenz caught the most inaudible grumble. “You’re not
going to get away with hiding her for much longer. Maria’s
already pissed as hell I’d kept Honor a secret from her this
long. She wants to see for herself that you and Carson are
happy.”
“I know. I’ll talk to Honor.”
Maria had been trying to get me to date for several
years. She’d even tried to set me up with several of her
friends, telling me I needed a Latina woman. She was of the
opinion that Latina women knew how to take care of their
men, and if the way she pampered Lorenz was anything to
go by, she was right. Though, Lorenz spoiled the hell out of
her and their kids as well. It was the perfect balance of give
and take.

“L ENOX , A WORD ?” My captain stopped me after the

afternoon briefing.
“I’ll wait for you outside,” Lorenz told me and walked
toward the exit.
“How’s Honor recovering?” he asked.
“Very well. Thank you for asking. I appreciate you
approving my leave.”
“And Carson?” he asked, not bothering to acknowledge
my gratitude.
“Five by five.”
“And you?”
“Not sure I’m tracking, Captain.”
 “I need to know if your head’s in the game. I can’t have
you out on the streets when you’re thinking about home.”
“Copy that.”
“And stay the fuck away from Detective Wild and the
Harris case. I don’t want IA down here breathing down my
neck.”
“Understood.”
“Good. Have a safe tour.”
“Thanks, Captain.”
When I made my way to the patrol car, Lorenz was
already in the driver’s seat. I rounded the vehicle and got
in.
“What was that about?” he asked.
“Head check,” I answered.
“Figured.”
I waited until Lorenz pulled out of the station parking lot
before asking, “Did Sam give a statement?”
“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” He shook his
head but answered, “He’s maintained that he’s innocent
and someone must’ve stolen his car. He swears he’s being
set up.”
“What do you think? About the being set up part. We
both know the car being stolen is bullshit.”
“He doesn’t have an alibi. He says he wasn’t feeling well
after lunch, went to his hotel room and fell asleep—alone.
But the fact remains there are no traffic cameras that
captured an image of him driving the car. Even though it’s
registered to him, I think the DA is going to have a hard
time placing him as the driver.”
“I agree. The congressman could’ve hired someone to
run Honor off the road. Why would he set up his son?”
“That’s the question. He has the means, motive, and
opportunity, but setting up his own son is a stretch.”
“One-Palmer-One. This is Dispatch.”
“One-Palmer-One. Go,” I responded to the radio call.
 “Active shooter at Autumn Lake Nursing Home. Three
twenty-five Gilmore. Repeat 3-2-5 Gilmore. Male is wearing
jeans, a white T-shirt, and a black baseball cap. Caller
advised shooter has one hostage—female doctor.”
“Copy that. En route.”
“Nothing like starting our shift with a bang,” Lorenz
deadpanned.
“One-Palmer-One. Go in soft. South side of the building.”
“Copy, dispatch.”
Lorenz turned off the sirens but left on the flashing
lights and slowed his speed just enough to allow the traffic
to move right.
It didn’t take long for Lorenz to pull into the south
driveway of the nursing home. He’d just put the vehicle in
park when the back door of the building flew open. A man
fitting the suspect’s description fled the building with a
female dressed in a white lab coat in front of him.
“Fuck,” I muttered and drew my weapon from my
holster, using the open door of the cruiser as cover.
“Let her go and drop your weapon,” the officer closest to
the suspect yelled and started to retreat to find cover.
The man brought the gun he’d had pointed at the
doctor’s side up to her head and stopped.
“Move back or I’ll shoot her,” the man yelled.
I shifted my attention from the suspect to the hostage.
She looked oddly calm, her arms limp at her sides, hands
unclenched, and staring straight ahead. Before I had time
to further analyze her behavior, she nodded slightly and
dropped her weight in the suspect’s grasp. He tried to
catch her as she fell to her knees in front of him. The
distraction was all the officers needed.
A series of shots rang out, and I took off running toward
the woman as the injured suspect crumpled on top of her.
Lorenz got to them the same time I did and kicked the
suspect’s gun out of arms reach and pulled his bleeding
body off the woman.
 “I got you,” I told her and pulled her to her feet. Holding
her tightly I moved us away from the man’s dead body. “I’m
not sure if that was the bravest or stupidest thing I’ve ever
seen.”
“My . . . my . . . dad and brothers are cops at the 727,”
she stuttered. “It was my best chance. He was going to kill
me.”
“Sounds like they taught you well.”
Her legs buckled, and I picked her up before she could
fall.
“You’re safe now,” I reminded her.
She buried her face in my chest and started to sob.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I found a bench and sat with her, still crying,
in my arms.
“Will you radio my dad?”
I took in the scene around us, the SWAT was pulling in,
even though they were late to the fire fight, and an
ambulance was coming in behind them. The sea of red and
blue flashing lights was overwhelming. It went against
regulations, but the woman in my arms needed her dad.
“One-Palmer-One to dispatch,” I called into the radio on
my shoulder. “What’s your dad’s name?”
“Sergeant Hudson. Steve Hudson,” she answered.
“Go. One-Palmer-One.”
“Call the 7-2-7. Sergeant Hudson’s attendance is
requested at this location, forthwith. Be advised, his
daughter was the hostage. Unharmed. I repeat, she is
unharmed but requesting his presence.”
“Copy. One-Palmer-One.”
“He’ll be here soon,” I told her.
“Thank you, Officer . . .”
“Lenox,” I offered.
“I’m Lauren Hudson.”
“Nice to meet you, Dr. Hudson.”
 I continued to hold Lauren on my lap as the other
officers secured the building. Lorenz caught my attention
from across the parking lot and started toward us.
“Miss,” he greeted and stopped in front of us. “The
EMTs would like to check you over.”
“Not yet. I’m fine.” Her death grip around my neck
tightened.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
They can wait.”
“He . . . he . . . killed his mother. She was my patient. He
just shot her right in her bed. In front of me,” she cried.
“Why would he do that?”
Jesus.
Lorenz lowered himself to a kneeling position in front of
us.
“I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Tires screeching into the lot had Lorenz standing and
stepping in front of me, offering us protection if need be.
The car had barely stopped when the door flew open and a
man held up a shield and ran toward the crime scene tape.
“Sergeant Hudson. 7-2-7,” he announced and ducked
under the tape. “Where’s my daughter?”
Lauren’s body started to shake in relief as her father
neared.
“Here,” Lorenz hollered and waved the man to our
location.
“Christ almighty.” Sergeant Hudson stopped in front of
me. I stood and offered the man his crying daughter. He
happily transferred Lauren into his embrace and took my
place on the bench.
Lorenz and I started to walk away to give the two of
them privacy when his booming voice stopped me.
“Is the fucker dead?”
“Yes,” Lorenz answered.
“Thank you,” Hudson’s gruff voice cracked as he spoke.
“Just doing our job,” I told him.
 I took a moment to soak in the view of father and
daughter. It didn’t matter how old your children were, you
always wanted to protect them. And when you couldn’t, it
must be something akin to torture. I would do anything to
keep Carson safe. I couldn’t begin to imagine what Steve
Hudson had felt when he’d learned his daughter had been
held at gun point. Nor the relief he’d experienced when he
found out she was safe.
“Thank you all the same.”
We left them, and, as we were walking away, Lorenz
clapped me on the shoulder.
“You’re such a softie.” He chuckled, poking me in the
ribs.
“Fuck you,” I replied with no heat.
“Let’s wrap this shit up, I’m starving.”
“You’re the only person I know that can eat five minutes
after seeing a dead body.”

L ORENZ WAS DRIVING and telling me a story about his sons

taking apart their brand-new, two-hundred-dollar Xbox
because he’d been bitching to them that kids these days
didn’t know how stuff worked. He’d also told them that
back in the day, boys played outside and got dirty. They also
took shit apart and knew how to fix something when it
broke. That conversation had led to the boys dismantling a
perfectly good video game console to make their father
happy.
“Two hundred fucking dollars down the drain. Maria
thought that shit was funny because she doesn’t want them
playing on it anyway. I told them I wasn’t buying a new one.
If they wanted to use it, they’d better fix it.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out, and
seeing my father’s name on the screen I answered.
 “Hey, Dad,” I said, still laughing at Lorenz’s story.
“Get home. Now,” my father thundered.
“What’s wrong?” I sobered.
“Honor’s gone. Your mother was tied up and gagged.
The team is on their way.”
Holy fucking Christ.
“My house. Now.” I told Lorenz. “Fuck. ETA five
minutes. Where’s Carson? How’s Mom?”
“Pissed as fuck. Details when you get here. Out.”
My father had gone into combat mode and, strangely, it
was comforting. I’d need all the help my family could give
me to find Honor. I relayed the information I had to Lorenz
and dialed my Captain.
“Rolland,” he answered on the first ring.
“Someone broke into my house and tied up my mother
before they abducted Honor.”
“You en route?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll call you out of service and have Detective Wild meet
you there.”
“Warn Wild, my father will be armed, as will all of my
uncles.”
“Jesus H. Christ. I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ll
meet you there.”
He hung up as Lorenz was pulling into my
neighborhood. I spotted my Uncle Jasper’s big ass pickup in
front of us, speeding toward my house. When we pulled up,
my father, Uncle Clark, and Uncle Levi were all standing on
my lawn.
Lorenz stopped the patrol car in the middle of the street,
uncaring he was blocking traffic.
“What happened?” I ran toward the group of men.
“Congressman Harris pushed his way in when your mom
was leaving to go to the store. It was dumb fucking luck he
got the drop on her. He tied her up and held a gun to her
head and Honor left with him.”
 “Motherfucker!” I roared. “Did Mom see a car?”
“Negative. He was at the door fixin’ to knock when she
opened it to leave. He bum-rushed her.”
“Where’s Carson?”
“Fuck, son. We walked in and saw your mom tied up, I
untied her, cleared Honor’s room, and locked them in so I
could check the rest of the house. Blake’s in there with
them now.”
I was happy my Aunt Blake was with my mom and
Carson.
“How is she?”
“I told you, pissed as fuck.”
“Physically?”
“Fine.”
“I need to talk to Ethan,” my mom yelled from inside the
house.
I jogged to my front door, and my anger spiked. A
kitchen chair was in the middle of the living room, plastic
zip ties, which had obviously been cut off my mom, lay on
the floor, and a blue bandana I’d never seen was on the
coffee table.
“I asked you to stay in the bedroom,” my dad scolded.
“Not now, Lenox.”
Yeah, my mom was furious. If looks could kill, my father
would be dead on the floor.
“You okay, Mom?”
“No! I’m so sorry, Ethan. I tried to stop her. I knew your
dad was on his way. But when he put the gun to my head,
she told him she’d go with him.”
“It’s okay, Mama. We’ll find her.”
“She wanted me to tell you something.”
“What did she say?”
I stared at my mom as she told me Honor’s last words
about how much she loved me and had known from the first
day she saw me in the park. Her message sounded a lot like
a goodbye and my gut knotted at the idea.
 “I’m so sorry, son.” Seeing the look of fury and
devastation in her eyes, I knew Mama Bear was in full
force. “That son of a bitch caught me by surprise.”
“I know, Mama. There’s nothing to be sorry for. We’re
gonna find her.”
I was one lucky son of a bitch having Lily Lenox as my
mom.
 27

F rank had officially lost his marbles. He was

screaming at me about videos I’d stolen from his
house. I had no idea what he was talking about and
now I was up shit creek without a paddle. When he’d put
his gun to Lily’s head and demanded I tell him where they
were, I’d lied to him and told him they weren’t at the
house, and I’d hidden them. I’d already given him my
camera, memory cards, and laptop. He thought he’d
successfully confiscated the images I’d taken of him
sneaking in his whores. Idiot. He’d forgotten about cloud
storage.
“You better not be lying, or you’ll end up like your
mother. You’ve always been a pain in the ass and you never
could follow directions.”
My mom? What did he mean by that? My mom had died
in a car accident.
“Don’t talk about my mother,” I bravely demanded. He
could say whatever he wanted about me, but I never
wanted to hear my mom’s name come from his lying,
cheating lips.
“Your mom was a blackmailing bitch. Bet you didn’t
know that, did you?” He laughed. “She thought she could
play me. In the end, I taught her the same lesson you’re
about to learn. I always win. Now, where the fuck is this
park?”
“What did you do?” I yelled, not bothering to answer
him. “Did you have Sam run her off the road too?”
“Samuel? I wouldn’t trust that nincompoop with
anything of importance. He’s lazy and doesn’t have what it
takes to get the job done.”
And I wonder who made him that way? Frank had given
Sam anything he’d wanted when we were teenagers. He’d
made him into the spoiled, entitled prick he was today.
“Then who, Frank?”
“You know the saying: if you want something done right,
do it yourself.”
“You wouldn’t dare get your hands dirty.”
Frank slammed on the brakes and pulled into a fast food
parking lot and turned to me.
“Wouldn’t I? You have no idea what I’m capable of. Now
tell me which goddamn park you buried the videos in.”
“Not until you tell me what happened to my mom.”
Fuck him. If I was going to die, I wanted to know the
truth about my mother’s car accident.
“The bitch had gone too far. She wanted me to kick Sam
out. She’d caught him in your room being a normal teenage
boy, and, as always, she over reacted and demanded I tell
my own fucking son he had to move out of my house. The
nerve of that bitch. It was easier to let her believe she’d
been blackmailing me into not divorcing her. I knew she
didn’t want to go back to being a waitress and living in a
shitty apartment with her brat, and I needed her on my arm
for state dinners. It was a win-win. She was useful until she
wasn’t. Then it was time for me to dispose of her.”
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” I screamed and did my
best to swing my zip tied hands in his direction. I only
made contact once before he grabbed my hands and
yanked them to a stop.
 “You’re gonna pay for that, too, bitch.” Spittle landed on
my forehead and cheeks as he yelled in my face.
I couldn’t believe my mom had actually said something
to Frank about Sam. All the times I’d talked to her about
what he’d been doing, she’d blown me off and told me I was
wrong. I wanted to ask what she had on him, but it didn’t
seem all that important at the moment. Instead I thought
back to the accident. Frank was home with me when my
mother lost control of her car and slammed into a semi.
“What did you do?” I demanded.
“Made sure when she left the hotel where she’d met
with her lover her brakes wouldn’t work. It really was
simple.”
He did it. He really killed my mother.
“Fuck you. You’re a lying murderer. My mom would
never cheat. You’re the one who was fucking every
prostitute in Atlanta.”
“Your mother had been fucking Barry Wells for years.
Why do you think he agreed to my proposal when I offered
for you to marry his son? He didn’t want his wife to find
out.”
My head was spinning with all this new information.
Everything had been a lie. I was so furious and hurt I was
numb. I didn’t know if I wanted to scream at Frank or crawl
into a corner and cry.
“Why did you want me to marry, Greg? What was in it
for you?”
“To keep a leash on you. I knew you were planning on
moving out and I couldn’t risk you opening your mouth.
You’d seen too much.”
“And when that didn’t work you decided to try and kill
me, too.”
“I warned you. It didn’t have to be this way. But again,
you never fucking listen. You’re just as stubborn as your
mother was. Confession time is over. Either tell me where
the park is, or I’ll kill you now and after I dump your body,
that little girl will be next. What will that trash cop think of
you then—the woman who got his daughter killed?” He
pulled his gun out of his coat pocket and pointed it at me.
I hated Frank with every fiber of my being. First, he’d
hurt Lily and threatened to kill her, now he was threatening
Carson. What had I gotten them into? I should’ve left after
our run-in at the restaurant, but I’d been selfish and hadn’t
wanted to give them up. Now, because of me, they were all
in danger. And there was no denying it was my fault. I
hoped Ethan and Lenox would find him and make him pay.
“Head to the West End Motel. Make a left at the
intersection. There’s a park a few blocks down.”
I prayed I’d stalled Frank long enough for Ethan to
figure out where I was. If not, at least I’d make Frank kill
me in a public place. He hadn’t thought out his plan very
well. I guess desperate people really did do desperate
things. Couple that with Frank’s ego and belief he was
above the law, he thought he’d literally get away with
murder—and why shouldn’t he, he’d gotten away with my
mother’s.
 28

“R epeat it again?” I asked my mom.

I was only just keeping my temper in
check. If I’d thought waiting for Honor to pull
through surgery was torture, I was wrong. This was worse.
Way fucking worse.
“She said for me to tell you she loved you. She knew the
first day she saw you. Then she said, tell Ethan everything
always comes full circle. The beginning is often the end.”
Honor’s words cut me to the quick.
My Uncle Levi came out of Honor’s room holding a box
that had Katie—misc. written in black marker. “Who’s
Katie?” he asked.
“Honor’s mother.”
“Okay, so, Honor’s online activity is boring,” my Aunt
Blake said from the dining room table. Her fingers were
flying across the keyboard as she spoke. “No social media.
She spends most of her time online reading blogs related to
photography. Professional print labs and gallery websites.
Most recently she’d been searching parenting websites.
One in particular called Baby Center. She’s joined two
groups—Stepparent Adoption and Mothers and Daughters.”
My heart did a somersault, Honor had been looking up
parenting and adoption sites. I should’ve felt guilty about
invading her privacy but if any of the information could
lead us to her, I couldn’t summon the feeling.
“Mom. You said Frank wanted to know where the videos
were?”
“Yes. He wanted some pictures she had, and she gave
him her camera stuff and her computer.”
“When we saw him at the restaurant, she told him she
had pictures of him with women. But she never said
anything about videos.”
“She has cloud storage, but it’s password protected,”
Blake announced. “It’ll take me a while to figure it out.”
“Try Buck Sully,” my dad offered.
“She told Frank she’d take him to where she hid the
videos?” I asked my mom for clarification.
“Yes. She told him if he didn’t hurt me, she’d show him.
He told her if she was lying he’d kill her and be back for
me. I tried to tell her not to go. I knew your dad was on his
way. But Frank had already gagged me, and she refused to
make eye contact with me. She was more concerned about
me than herself.”
I glanced at the box now in front of me on the coffee
table and started to peel back the packing tape. Most of the
adhesive had worn off, a testament to how long it had been
since the box had been opened.
“I’m in,” Blake told us. “You were right, Lenox. Buck
Sully for the win.”
I moved the items in the box around and wondered why
Honor had never opened it. There were pictures of her with
both her mom and dad. A scrap of fabric, baby shoes, a lock
of hair taped to a piece of paper. It was a box of keepsakes
from Honor’s youth. The only thing out of place were two
flash drives. I fished them out of the bottom and turned to
Blake, just as she was turning the screen of her laptop in
our direction.
“Back up of the pictures of the congressman with the
women.”
 “Here, check these.” I handed her the drives.
Nothing we’d found was going to lead us to where
Honor was. However we did have enough to nail the son of
a bitch. But none of that mattered if we didn’t find her
before Frank hurt her.
Fuck.
Where are you Honor? Where would you hide the
videos?
“There’s not enough eye bleach to erase what I just
saw,” my Aunt Blake complained. “Guess we now know
what videos he’s after.”
I turned toward the screen and watched in horror as
Harris’s pasty white ass drilled into a redheaded woman.
“That’s not Katie.” Jasper said holding up a picture of
Honor and her mother. “She had light brown hair.”
“I don’t think she knew about the videos,” I said.
“If she did know, she was leading him away from the
house to protect Lily, because there are a bunch more
videos on these memory sticks,” Blake told me.
I looked at my dad, his arms were crossed across his
chest, and when I looked at my uncles, they were mirroring
his stance, they all had matching scowls. What the hell
were we missing?
“Everything comes full circle. The beginning is often the
end.” I contemplated Honor’s words again.
“Does that mean something to you?” Levi asked.
“No. But I feel like it should.”
“She said she knew the first day she saw you,” my dad
reminded me.
“First day, the beginning, full circle. Where did you meet
her?” Clark asked.
“The park off Gambler by the West End Motel,” I
answered.
“Would she take him to a park or the motel she was
staying in?” my dad asked.
 Neither made sense if you were hiding videos. A room
would be cleaned, there would be no good hiding places.
And a park? That made even less sense, but if Honor was
trying to send me a message—the park was the answer.
“Detective Wild and Lorenz will come with me to the
West End Motel. What room was she staying in?” Captain
Rolland asked.
“Three hundred,” I answered.
“We’ll head there now. You head to the park. I don’t
think I have to remind you there are—”
“You don’t,” I cut Captain Rolland off. “I promise to use
my best judgment, but I can’t promise I won’t protect my
woman at all cost.”
Captain Rolland sighed long and hard before turning to
Lorenz. “Change of plans. You go with Ethan. I’ll take Wild
with me. Don’t let him get his ass in a sling. Necessary
force only.”
“Copy that,” Lorenz replied.
“Let’s head out,” my dad said, and my uncles followed.
“I love you, Mama. I’m sorry you were caught up in all
this.”
“Don’t start. I’m fine. Go get Honor and bring her home
to us.”
“Carson—”
“Is fine. Your aunts are upstairs with her now. Go.”
Lorenz was waiting for me next to the police cruiser by
the time I made my way outside.
We were half-way to the park, my dad and uncles
following behind, when Lorenz spoke. “We’ll find her.”
I gritted my teeth to prevent myself from lashing out. He
couldn’t know that for sure. We had nothing. A hunch based
on a cryptic message from Honor. I still didn’t understand
why she would have pointed us to the park, if she had at
all. And was the congressman so stupid he’d believe she hid
the flash drives at the park like some kind of buried
treasure?
 Not a goddamn thing made sense.
“The swings where I first saw her are on the north side
of the park. Pull into the south entrance.”
I checked the mirror and saw my dad was still following
us. Lorenz pulled into a parking spot concealed by a row of
thick evergreens.
My dad and my uncles had exited my dad’s SUV and
were already on high alert, scanning the area around us.
“Jasper, Clark, and Levi you take the west side of the
park. It will be harder to conceal your movements because
there aren’t a lot of trees. We’ll take the east side,” I told
the group. I watched as each man lifted their T-shirt,
exposing the guns sheathed at their hips. They each tucked
the material behind their Kydex holsters, giving them easy
access to their weapons.
Fuck. This was not the middle east nor was it a war
zone. None of my uncles would give zero fucks about
shooting Frank dead in a park full of people. Not that there
looked to be many people there in the middle of the day if
the empty parking lot was anything to go by.
“If deadly force—”
“This is your op, son. You make the calls but don’t think
I won’t place a bullet between his eyes if the opportunity
presents itself. The motherfucker put his hands on my wife,
your woman, and scared my granddaughter. And they. . .”
he stabbed his finger in my uncles’ direction. “Feel the
exact same way. He fucked with our family, and no one
fucks with our women.”
“I know, Dad. I don’t need the reminder, He took my
woman out of her home and he had the balls to touch my
mother.” I ground my teeth. “But I don’t need you in lockup
until we sort out whether it was justifiable homicide, while
mom is freaking the fuck out. I have the badge here, not
you. Your carry permit won’t do shit to protect you. So, I’m
telling you, if it comes to it, I have the fucking honor of
putting him down. The four of you are backup only.”
 “Chip off the old block,” my Uncle Clark chuckled. “Copy
that, Officer Lenox.”
“Just like the good old days. Glad to see the Lenox
retribution gene was passed down,” Jasper added.
Not wanting to waste any more time on mindless banter,
I flipped the two of them the middle finger and broke from
the huddle, heading for the thick tree line on the east side
of the park. The extra foliage was necessary for me and
Lorenz. We were both in uniform, Frank would spot us from
a mile away. Branches snapped under my feet as I made my
way through the thick brush at a fast clip. With more than
two hundred yards until the woods opened at the play area,
I wasn’t worried about Frank hearing us. If they were even
here.
The sweltering humidity had my T-shirt under my
uniform top and vest soaked and my hands clammy. Or was
it my anger bubbling over? I slowed my pace and balled my
right hand into a fist, lifting it to stop my dad and Lorenz
from progressing.
“Did you hear that?” I whispered.
All three of us stood in silence, straining to hear.
“There it is again,” I told them.
“Copy,” my dad mouthed.
A few moments later the voice was louder and easier to
understand.
“You better not be lying to me, bitch.”
It was Frank. Holy fuck, she had brought him to the
park. My dad pointed to the right and broke off, silently
disappearing behind the shrubbery. Lorenz nodded to the
left and he, too, disappeared. I continued as silently as I
could, hoping we could surround Frank before he spotted
one of us.
“I’m not. It’s under a magnolia,” Honor yelled. Good, she
sounded more pissed than scared.
“That’s what you said about the last two fucking trees.
This is your last chance. If it's not here we’re going back to
the house and I’ll shoot that asshole cop’s mother in his
living room. Then we’ll come back here and see if it helped
jog your memory.”
The anger I’d felt had transformed into something
indescribable. As I slowed my breathing the fear and rage
mingled together into clarity. Frank Harris was a dead man
walking. I took one more cleansing breath and fortified my
decision. There would be no demands for him to surrender.
I would not give him the option to drop his weapon. All I
needed was the gun to still be in his cold, dead hand when
the CSI officers arrived. I didn’t need him to point it in my
direction. There would be no fear of imminent danger. He
was simply going to die by my hand, and there would be no
remorse.
“You’ll never get away with this. Ethan and his dad
won’t stop until they hunt you down,” Honor said, her voice
getting closer.
“I’m not worried about some baby killer, ex-military low
life and his trashy son. It will be their word against mine.
And, let’s face it, it’s all about who you know. I have more
capital than either of those two.”
“I wasn’t talking about in a court of law, you asswipe.
They’ll hunt you like the animal you are and kill you. The
only thing I’m sorry about is I won’t be alive to see it.”
I came to the last of the tall cherry laurel bushes that
would conceal my position and peered around the waxy
leaves. My Glock 22 felt abnormally heavy in my hand, I
clutched the grip tighter, until the hard, plastic ribbing bit
into my palm.
Frank’s hand pulled back and he pistol whipped Honor
across her face. She fell to her knees and covered her face
with her hands. Her sob nearly broke my concentration.
I’m sorry, smalls. Just a minute longer.
“Fuck you, bitch. I’ll kill them all, starting with that little
brat you love so much, then the—”
 The recoil of my weapon barely registered as I watched
Frank’s body fall. I’d never been more thankful for all the
hours my dad and uncles had spent with me at the range.
Years of practice had earned me the nickname Deadeye
Dick, something I’d hated until today.
Lorenz was the first to dart out of the shrubs and run
toward Honor. I holstered my weapon and did the same.
Coming to a sliding halt in front of Honor I dropped to my
knees and scooped her up into my lap.
“Thank God. I knew you’d find me,” she cried.
“Always, smalls. I’ll always find you.”
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine, baby. Let me see your face.”
“No. It doesn’t matter. Where’s Carson?”
How had I been so lucky to find this perfect, selfless
woman? I knew her face had to hurt like a bitch, but she
was more concerned with Carson and my mom.
“She’s safe. I need to look at your cheek.”
Honor slowly lifted her head off my chest, and blood
trickled down her face and dripped from her chin.
“Fuck.”
“Here.” My dad handed me his shirt. It wasn’t ideal but
it was something to stop the bleeding. He knelt in front of
us and flicked his knife open. “Let me see your hands.”
She held them out to him, and they were filthy. I also
noted several broken nails. The fucker had made her dig
with her bare hands. With a single pass of my dad’s blade
he sliced through the zip tie.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “I’m—”
“No, Honor. Thank you,” my dad said.
A look passed between me and my dad. A silent
communication. There were no words necessary. She was
my bone-deep, the woman I would breathe and die for. I
would fight for the rest of my life to be worthy of her love.
She was my Lily Lenox, my one and only. My dad stood and
walked to join my uncles. Even though the threat was no
longer present, the four most important men in my life still
stood guard, reminding me I was never alone. They always
had my back, my front, and my sides. They had Honor’s too.
“I called it in. The captain’s on his way,” Lorenz said.
“It’s a shame he wouldn’t drop his weapon.”
Not that I wasn’t prepared for any consequences
resulting from the shooting and death of the jacknut who’d
kidnapped my woman, but it seemed my partner wasn’t
going to allow it to come to that.
“Appreciate it.”
“I want to go home,” Honor said.
“We have to wait for the ambulance to get here. You
need to be checked out. I think you may need stitches.”
“I’m not staying in the hospital, Ethan. I want to go
home. I need to see Carson and Lily. They can look at my
face, but that’s it. I’m going to be in our bed tonight. Do
you understand me?” She was almost hysterical. “I want to
be in our bed, with you and Carson.”
“Okay, smalls.”
“He hurt her,” she yelled. “He pushed his way into our
home and tied her up.”
Four menacing growls came from beside us.
“I couldn’t stop him. I was too afraid your dad would
show up with Carson and she’d get hurt. I didn’t know what
fucking video the dumb bastard wanted. But I had to get
him out of the house.” She continued to yell, her sobs
turned into venom, and she angrily swiped a tear from the
eye that wasn’t covered by my dad’s shirt. “He kept
threatening to hurt them. He killed my mom. The asshole
killed her. Oh my God. All those years I lived under the
same roof as the man who killed my mother. And he did it,
not Sam. I told you that bitch was covering for him. He
tried to kill me and Carson. Fucking prick.”
I rocked her back and forth and let her get it all out. I
was thankful she wasn’t bottling up her anger. I knew we’d
have other things about Frank kidnapping her to deal with
down the line, but for now, this was good.
“I’m so sorry, Honor.”
“I fucking hate him. I hate him so much. I wish he could
die all over again. He killed her and hurt Lily.” Her
shouting turned back into tears and she pinned me in place
with the saddest look I’d ever seen. “I just want you to take
me home. I want my family. Please, don’t leave me at the
hospital.”
“Honor I’ll never leave you anywhere. You’re coming
home with me. Carson will be there. My mom will be there.
You will be surrounded by your entire family. I promise you.
None of us will ever leave you.”
“That’s the goddamn truth,” my dad choked out. He, too,
was overcome with emotion.
“Blake and I will be there,” Uncle Levi added.
“Regan and I are staying,” Clark put in.
“Nowhere else Em and I would be,” Jasper told Honor.
“You’re one of us, Honor. And family always sticks
together. You’ll never be alone again. And that’s a promise
you can take to the bank,” my dad finished.
“I love you, Honor.”
“God, I love you. Thank you for saving me.”
“You saved yourself with the secret message you left me.
Smart and beautiful. You’re a special kind of dangerous,
Honor Sullivan.”
She smiled, just as I’d hoped.
The wooded area we were in was suddenly swarming
with men and women in uniform. I didn’t move a muscle. I
had Honor in my arms, safe and sound, and there wasn’t a
damn thing I was going to do but hold my woman.
 EPILOGUE

“Y ou really do love this statue, don’t you?” I

laughed at Carson posing.
“She’s waving hello to all the ships coming
home. And goodbye to the ones leaving on their long
voyages out to sea.”
Carson was something else. She certainly had a flare for
the dramatic.
“I love it down here.” I sighed and cuddled closer to
Ethan.
It had been three months since that horrible day in the
woods with Frank. Three wonderful months. My
breakdown, as I called it, Ethan called it a moment of
cleansing and closure, whatever you wanted to call it, it
seemed to bring us closer. All of us. Not only me, Ethan,
and Carson. But it seemed to reinforce the family bond of
the uncles too. Lily had commented last week how much
she loved that the family was all getting together more. The
four families all had individual families of their own and
schedules didn’t always coincide, but these days more of an
effort had been made. Even Jason and Kayla had come to as
many get togethers as Kayla felt up for. Her cancer was
progressing quickly. It was heart breaking to watch. She
was shy and reserved, but once you got her talking, she
was the sweetest, kindest person I’d ever met. She didn’t
have a mean bone in her fragile body. I was going to miss
her.
Carson had opted to pass on cheer camp but still wanted
to go to her dance classes. As it turned out, the girl was
talented. And that wasn’t me being biased, even the
teacher was impressed. After a few weeks, she was
switched to a competition squad, which meant more classes
and practices for me to take her to. I loved every second. I
loved cheering her on and watching her grow.
“Honor?”
“Yes, darlin’?” I chuckled at her antics. She was on one
knee in front of me smiling like a loon. I loved how silly and
playful she was when she wasn’t acting like she was a mini
version of the adults around her.
“Will you please do me the honor,” she giggled but
quickly recovered, “of being my mother?”
She opened her little palm and nestled there were two
bands. One adult size and one much smaller.
Tears filled my eyes and the rings disappeared behind
the watery haze.
“What?” I whispered, praying I hadn’t heard her wrong.
“It’s a fancy way of asking you if you’ll be my mommy
from now on. I want you to be my mommy, and Daddy said
yes and told me all I had to do was ask you. Daddy said you
can make it official and adopt me if you want to. I don’t
know what that means. As long as it’s all right with you
that’s all that matters to me.”
“Yes, Carson. Yes, I want to be your mommy. Forever
and ever.”
“Did you hear that, Daddy? Honor is now my new
mommy,” Carson announced.
“I did, Squirt.”
“Oh, wait, I forgot. Your hand please,” Carson asked. I
wasn’t sure which hand she wanted but I presented her
with my left.
 “With this ring, you’re my mommy.” She slipped the ring
on my finger. “Here’s mine.” She handed me the smaller
ring and gave me her hand.
I slowly slipped the tiny gold band onto my daughter’s
finger and closed my eyes, savoring the moment. “With this
ring, you are my daughter.” I opened my eyes and Ethan
was holding Carson’s other hand.
“My girls,” he said quietly.
“There’s only one thing left to do.” He let go of Carson’s
hand and lowered himself to a knee. “Honor Sullivan would
you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?”
“Yes! A thousand times, yes.”
He pulled a ring from his pocket and slipped it next to
the one Carson had placed there and brought my hand to
his lips, kissing both rings.

I T WOULDN ’ T BE until much later when I finally inspected

both rings Carson and Ethan had given me. I was tucked
close to Ethan’s side after he’d made love to me. My left
hand was resting on his chest and I’d caught sight of the
proof I was going to be his wife. I remembered back to all
those months ago when Ethan had vowed to prove to me he
was the man he said he was. It turns out, I am worth it.
He’s proven it to me every day by how fiercely he loves me.
And he’s worth it too. I now understand what bone-deep
means. The Lenox family loves with an intensity you feel
down in your bones, in your soul.
My family.

J ASON AND K AYLA ’ S house across town

“It’s time, Jay.”
 God, she could barely croak out the words. Please. Not
yet. I’m not ready. I carefully pulled Kayla into my arms and
held her as tightly as I could without hurting her. The
cancer had spread. It had unmercifully ravaged her body.
Leaving only flesh and bones in its wake. Gone was the
Kayla I’d always known.
“Just . . .” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Selfishly
I wanted to tell her to hold on. I wanted her to try and
fight. But I knew she was done. She’d been telling me for
days. However, I’d refused to listen.
“You’ve given up enough for me. It’s time to let me go.”
“Don’t say that, Kayla. You know I’d give up everything
if I could save you.”
“And you have. You’ve given up the last seven years of
your life taking care of me. It’s time for you to move on.
Live. Be happy. Find someone to love.”
“Kayla.”
“Promise me, Jason. You’ll never know how grateful I am
that you’ve stuck by me. Because of you, I had seven extra
years. I’m just sorry it was at your expense.”
“I love you, Kayla. I don’t regret anything.”
“I love you, too, Jason.” Her voice was starting to fade.
“I’m right here, Kay Kay. I won’t leave your side.” I
couldn’t stop the tears as they streamed down my cheeks.
“It’s okay to let go. I promise everything will be okay.”
“Thank you, Jay.” She sounded sleepy, her voice raspy.
“Love . . .”
“I love you, too.”
I continued to hold her as she took her last gasping
breath. I had to fight the urge to give her CPR and bring
her back to life. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had to
resuscitate my wife. But she’d made me promise I wouldn’t
do it. Months ago she’d made her decision. When the
cancer had come back she wasn’t going to go through
treatment again. I hated it, but I had to respect her wishes.
 I fished my cell phone out of my pocket and noted the
time, 3:42 am. I dialed the only number I could think of.
“Bud?” my dad answered.
“She’s gone.” Two words—that was all I could blubber
out.
“We’ll be right there. Who do we need to call?” I could
hear my dad getting out of bed and the rustling of clothes. I
was frozen in my grief. I wasn’t prepared for this. A world
without Kayla in it was a darker place than I wanted to live
in. “Son!” My dad’s stern voice pulled me from the fog.
“The undertaker,” I told him.
“Jones, right?”
“Yes.”
“We’ll be right there, son. You hang tight.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“We’ve got you, Bud. I promise.”
My dad disconnected, and as I lay there, with my
recently deceased wife’s body still in my arms, I scrolled
through the images on my phone. Hundreds of pictures of
us through the years. Hell, I had thousands more on my
laptop going all the way back to high school. She was my
best friend. And now all I was left with were pictures and
empty memories of a life taken too soon.
Fuck cancer!

Jason and Mercy are next in

Finding Mercy
FINDING MERCY
THE NEXT GENERATION
 Finding Mercy
The Next Generation
Book 3

Riley Edwards
 PROLOGUE

“I t’s time, Jay.”

Panic rose at Kayla’s words, and the lump in
my throat threatened to choke me. I couldn’t
swallow past the fear. Selfishly, I wasn’t ready. The finality
of the situation was more than I could comprehend.
“Just . . .” I didn’t know what I was trying to say.
Just hold on?
Just let go?
“You’ve given up enough for me. It’s time to let me go.”
“Don’t say that, Kayla. You know I’d give up everything
if I could save you.”
“And you have. You’ve given up the last seven years of
your life taking care of me. It’s time for you to move on.
Live. Be happy. Find someone to love.”
Love? What the hell did I know about love? I didn’t know
the first thing about loving someone. I’d failed in every way
possible. My wife’s frail body in my arms was proof. She’d
wasted away right in front of me. I’d helplessly watched as
cancer had ravished her body. Stolen years from her. Love?
Yeah, fuck love.
“Kayla.”
“Promise me, Jason. You’ll never know how grateful I am
that you’ve stuck by me. Because of you, I had seven extra
years. I’m just sorry it was at your expense.”
“I love you, Kayla. I don’t regret anything.”
What I felt for Kayla was as close to love as I’d ever feel.
“I love you, too, Jason.” Her voice was starting to fade.
“I’m right here, Kay Kay. I won’t leave your side.” I
couldn’t stop the tears as they streamed down my cheeks.
“It’s okay to let go. I promise everything will be okay.”
“Thank you, Jay.” She sounded sleepy, her voice raspy.
“Love . . .”
“I love you, too.”
Sweat beaded on my forehead as I jolted awake in a cold
and empty bed.
I’d lied to Kayla in her final moments of her life. I’d
promised her everything would be okay, but it wasn’t.
Every night I’ve dreamt of that promise, reliving the worst
day of my life over and over again. It was what I deserved.
A husband barely out of high school and a widower by
twenty-eight—ain’t life grand?
Not bothering to straighten the crumpled comforter, I
headed to the shower to scrub away the lingering effects of
my dream. The sweat and tears were easy to wash down
the drain. The guilt and regret were etched so deep nothing
would ever clean the stains away.
With my skin damn near raw from my shower, I went
through the motions of starting my day. I was like a fucking
robot. I was numb. So many times I’d considered selling the
house but I couldn’t. I was trapped behind the wood and
bricks. Locked inside with Kayla’s ghost.
Remembering I had to grab files from my home office, I
darted into the room to grab them before I headed to work.
I picked up the envelope with the documents I needed, and
my heart constricted.
A separation agreement sat on the desktop taunting me,
reminding me, mocking the memory of my wife. Kayla’s
pretty handwriting flowing across the page. She’d signed it.
This stupid fucking piece of paper was supposed to be her
way out. She was supposed to finally find happiness. Get
her happily ever after. The one she could never find with
me.
I was a shit husband. A shit human being.
No. Nothing was ever going to be okay again.
 1

“W hat has you so pissed off?” Special Agent

Mercy James asked when she stopped in
front of my desk.
“Nothing.” I tried to hide my irritation.
“Doesn’t look like nothing to me the way you’re
pounding on your keyboard.”
I knew she was trying to lighten the atmosphere, but I
wasn’t in the mood. I hated this month. The day was fast
approaching, and I hated that, too. Two years. Two shitty
years since I’d last seen Kayla. Two years since I’d held her
in my arms and she’d drawn her last breath. No, I wasn’t in
the mood to joke around about why I was abusing my
keyboard.
Before I could close the email, Mercy saw it. The yearly
cancer survivor benefit. Only, the person who had indeed
survived cancer once had lost the second battle. Someone
needed to update their goddamn files. That was what I was
in the middle of doing when Mercy disrupted me. I was
drafting a strongly worded email about their record
keeping.
“Sorry.” Mercy softened her voice, and that pissed me
off more than her trying to be funny. I’d worked with her
for a long time. She and all the other DEA agents knew
about my dead wife. They’d all had a front row seat to my
grief.
“Why are you sorry?”
She didn’t deserve my attitude. I was being a dick and I
knew it. Mercy meant well, but, damn, enough already. I
was tired of the I’m sorrys and empty platitudes. No one
knew what to say to someone who’d lost a loved one,
because there was nothing to say. It was what it was. Death
was final. Nothing makes the ache and pain vanish. It flat
out fucking sucked, and there was nothing else to say but
that.
“Damn, Mercy, I’m being an asshole. Sorry about that.
The anniversary of Kayla’s death is next week, and I’m on
edge and taking it out on you. I hope you can forgive me.”
Her brows drew together, and a familiar look of pain
crossed her face before she masked it. The old Jason
would’ve inquired. But the new fucked-up Jason was happy
when she smiled and brushed my douchebaggery away.
“I get it.”
By her previous look I’d say she did, but, again, I
ignored the look and the pang of remorse for not asking if
she was okay.
“What brings you down here?” I asked, changing the
subject.
Mercy worked upstairs as a diversion investigator. The
diversion control department dealt with legitimate
pharmaceuticals that made their way to the streets for
illicit use. She’d transferred down to Georgia from Virginia
about five years ago. She was one of the best in her
division.
“I wanted to ask your opinion on the Polytech High
School case. I left the report on your desk a few days ago.”
I grabbed the manila folder off my desk and handed it to
her, she sat in one of the two chairs in my office and
opened the file.
 “I agree with the local PD, they have a problem and
would benefit from a narc being put in place,” I answered.
“I’d like you to work with me on the case.”
“Why?” The question slipped out before I could stop it. It
wasn’t unusual for my task force to work with the diversion
team, but my team mainly stuck to the trafficking and
transportation of narcotics.
“Two reasons. One because I need someone with your
instincts, and two, because I think this goes beyond a
bunch of kids stealing their parents’ prescription meds and
selling them to their friends.”
“You think one of the parents is in on it?”
“I’m not sure what I think, but with two overdoses in six
months, three more hospitalizations, and five from the
surrounding schools, all with the same chemical makeup,
tells me this is spreading. That means I need all the help I
can get.”
I sat back in my chair and studied Mercy. This should’ve
been a no brainer for me. High school kids were passing
around benzos like they were Tic Tacs. I joined the DEA to
save lives, especially those most vulnerable. Something I
couldn’t put my finger on was nagging the back of my
mind, telling me to stay far away from this case. Or was it
Mercy and her pretty smile I needed to stay away from?
“Tell me when we’re starting and I’ll be there.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, and Mercy’s lips
tipped up, I had my answer. It wasn’t the case that had all
the fine hairs on the back of my neck standing, it was her.
She was dangerous.
She stood and reached her hand over my desk. I was
trying to ignore how her small hand fit in mine when she
took mine in a firm grip and shook. I was really trying to
overlook the way her soft skin felt against mine. But the
thing I was most trying to evade was the fact that I was
feeling anything at all.
“Great. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
I even watched as she left my office.
 2

W hen I was a kid my dad used to tell me that one

day my lack of self-preservation was going to get
me into trouble. When I was ten, he was talking
about me learning how to do wheelies on my bicycle. When
I was sixteen, he was talking about me jumping off the roof
of our house into the pool below. And when I was twenty, it
was because I’d decided to go into law enforcement.
However, if he were alive, I think this would be the time
he’d say, you’ve gone too far. This torture I was putting
myself through had nothing to do with my need for an
adrenaline rush. Or me being a daredevil. No, I’d been
tormenting myself over the last three months by working
with Jason Walker. It had started the day I’d asked him to
join my team and investigate pharmaceuticals and other
drugs running through some of our local schools. Over the
last few months I’d worked with him five, sometimes six
days a week. He’s even moved most of his files upstairs to
my office. Now, each morning, whether Jason had arrived
or not, I had the pleasure of smelling his cologne. I’d barely
stopped myself from asking him which brand he used so I
could spray it on my pillow and smell him as I slept.
I’d noticed Jason the day I walked into the Georgia office
five years ago. And it mostly had nothing to do with how
good looking he was and more to do with his light-up-the-
room smile. That’s not to say he wasn’t downright hot,
because he was, but it was his friendliness and laughter
that had drawn me to him. Then I noticed his wedding ring
and I promptly started to avoid him. Of course he was
married, all the good ones normally were. We’d worked a
few cases over the years, and I quickly got over my insta-
lust crush. A gold band was my number one attraction
killer. I didn’t look twice at a married man. Not now, not
ever. And Jason might as well still have been married. Sure,
his wife had passed away, and he’d taken off his ring about
a year ago, but there was no doubt the memory of her still
kept him warm at night.
The thing about him was, he was no longer open and
friendly. Sometimes he could be a downright dick. Yet,
somehow that attracted me to him more. Because I knew
his piss-poor attitude came from pain. My dad had also
called me a “fixer,” though I’d long ago gotten over the
need to mend the broken people in my life. I’d learned the
hard way there was no fixing a person when they were
hellbent on self-destruction.
“Mercy?” Jason’s rumbly voice pulled me from my
thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”
“No. Sorry, I was thinking.”
Jason sat down and rolled his chair in front of my desk
and leaned back. “Something I can help with? Did the local
PD send over the reports you requested?”
Thank God, he thought it was the case that had me so
deep in thought. So far, I’d done a damn good job keeping
my attraction to him under wraps. The last thing I wanted
was him knowing, or worse, feeling uncomfortable around
me.
“Yeah, they did. The three students the narc had
recommended for a background check came up with
nothing. Their parents are clean, too.”
The undercover narcotics officer was good. He’d
blended in well and made friends quickly.
“Did you read his report?”
“I did. Pretty impressive, he’s been out to parties every
weekend since he started.”
“Yeah, well, it helps he looks like he’s sixteen, and I’m
sure every girl at that school is drooling over him.”
“So, you like ’em young, huh?” Jason chuckled. “Good to
know.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I think I may have actually
stopped breathing. The sound was rusty and a whole lot out
of practice but it was definitely a laugh. I didn’t think I’d
heard the sound in two years.
“Hell no. Especially not ten years younger than me. It
doesn’t matter how hot the kid is, I’d have to duct tape his
mouth after about ten minutes.”
“Duct tape, huh? Sounds kinky.”
Jason was still smiling and my heart was still pounding.
“I don’t know about kinky, but the last thing I want to
hear about is the latest boy band that’s on tour.”
“No NSYNC, then?”
“For the love of all things holy, tell me you didn’t listen
to NSYNC.”
“That would be a hell no.” Jason looked down at his
watch before he asked, “You ready to go? I thought we
could grab a bite to eat before we head to the football
game.”
“Shit. I forgot about the game. I didn’t bring a change of
clothes.” Tonight, we were supposed to be going to the
Polytech football game. The undercover narc, Keith, said
there’d been a lot of talk about kids scoring at the games.
He requested extra eyes and ears so some of us were going
to the game posing at spectators. “I can meet you there.”
“Or we can stop by your place and go from there.”
 “As long as you don’t mind.” Is what I said. However,
inside, I was having a tiny come apart thinking about the
huge mess I’d left in my kitchen this morning. I’d been too
tired to clean up last night and I’d overslept this morning,
meaning there were still last night’s takeout wrappers on
my counter and dishes in the sink.
“Actually, this works out better. We can take one car to
the game.”
“Sure.”
I stood and gathered my things wondering if it was rude
to ask him to wait in his car so he didn’t see the disaster
that was my house. Not that it should matter. It wasn’t like
this was a date or something. We were going to a high
school football game for a case. It was an assignment for
fucks sake, why was I acting like an idiot? Oh, I knew why,
because I’ve had an on again off again crush on Jason for
five years. More off than on due to the whole married thing,
but, and there was always a but, I couldn’t deny the crush
was back. Which was stupid because he was one-hundred
percent unavailable.
“After you.” He motioned for me to precede him out of
my office.
He held open the doors for me as we exited, and he
walked me to my car, checking the lot as we walked
through and even the back seat of my car after I beeped
the fob, illuminating the interior. I wanted to laugh. I
carried the same shield and gun he did, yet he still waited
for me to get into my car, lock the door, and start it before
he walked away to get into his vehicle.
I spent the next ten minutes on the drive to my house
wishing I lived farther away. There had to be some 1-800
emergency, on call, maid service somewhere that could go
to someone’s house at a moment’s notice to check and
make sure you hadn’t left a pair of panties on your living
room floor. Not that I had panties lying around, at least I
hoped I didn’t.
 All too soon we pulled into my neighborhood, and I
prayed Jason wasn’t some sort of neat freak. I pulled into
my garage and checked my rearview mirror as I turned off
the ignition. Sure as shit, he’d gotten out of his car and was
walking into my garage.
On an exhale I opened my door.
Here goes nothing.
 3

W hat the hell was I doing? I should’ve waited in

my car while she changed to go to the game.
Actually, I should’ve just met her there. But, for
some stupid reason, I’d suggested we not only go get
something to eat before the game but we take one car.
“I’ll just be a second.” Her voice sounded a bit nervous
and why shouldn’t it? I was basically a stranger and I’d just
invited myself into her home. I was getting ready to tell her
I was going to wait outside when she stopped at the door
and turned to face me. “Listen. Before we go in, I’ve been
totally caught up in this case and everything else has fallen
to the wayside.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t exactly sure what she was trying to tell
me, but it seemed to mean something to her.
I obviously hadn’t given her the response she wanted if
her sigh and eyeroll were any indication. “My house is a
freaking disaster. I don’t want you to think I’m a slob. I
mean, I am, but not a dirty one.”
“Is there a difference?”
“Yes!” she huffed. “A big difference. There’s shit
everywhere, but it’s clean shit. Like clutter. Not gross shit,
like mold. Okay, there may be some trash on the counters,
too. But I’m not growing science experiments or anything.”
 There was an unusual tic in my cheek and something
that felt a lot like a smile pulled on my lips.
“Now, I gotta see what ‘clean shit’ looks like.”
“I’m serious, Jason.”
“I am, too, Mercy. Open the door.”
I wasn’t sure why she cared what I thought about the
state of her home, but, clearly, she did.
“I haven’t cleaned out my fridge in over a month. I think
there’s pizza in there from two weeks ago. I would never
judge you because your house is dirty.” Her perfectly
shaped left brow lifted, calling me on my lie. “Okay. I would
totally judge you if there were thirty-two cats living in there
and you had litter boxes all over the house. I also might not
sit down. Or eat anything.”
“I don’t have a cat.” She smiled her light-up-the-room
smile. I’d been noticing way too much about her lately. The
way she wore heels on Mondays and Fridays but not the
other days of the week. She preferred Diet Coke over
regular and drank more coffee than anyone I’d ever known.
She also lived off of sugar, which was damn impressive
considering she had a body . . . what the fuck?
I shook my head to dislodge the improper thoughts and
waited for her to open the door.
“I swear I’ll be quick,” she told me once we’d entered
and she tossed her cell phone and keys on the counter.
“No alarm?” I asked when she unclipped her shield and
pulled her duty holster free from the waistband of her
slacks.
“No.” She placed her gun on the counter and put her
hand on her hip. “Before I leave the room, do I need to talk
to you about gun safety and tell you never to touch a loaded
weapon?” she teased.
“Is that a speech you have to give often?” I was joking
but why was there a twinge of jealousy tied up in those
words?
“Funny.”
 “Funny, ha-ha? Or funny because it’s true?” Why the
fuck was I pressing for an answer? “I’m kidding. Hurry and
get changed, I’m starving.” I tried to cover up my out of
character behavior.
She hurried out of the room, leaving me alone in her
kitchen. It was nowhere near as bad as she’d made it
sound. There were a few dishes in the sink and some drive-
thru bags on the counter, but it wasn’t the pigsty she’d
made it out to be. I wondered if someone from her past had
harped on her about clutter. There were also some stacks
of papers here and there, but she was right, it was clean
shit lying around. Women confused me, they worried too
much about stupid stuff that no one cared about. I peeked
into the living room and there were shoes on the floor and
some books stacked on the coffee table along with remotes.
Her house was lived in. It was warm and inviting. I could
imagine her coming home from a long day and plopping
down on her couch, putting her feet up and watching TV.
The unmistakable, over-autotuned voice of Britney
Spears blared from Mercy’s phone and I wasn’t sure if I
was in a state of shock or panic.
“Shit!” Mercy yelled from her bedroom. “Please hit the
ignore button on my phone.”
Thank God. If I had to hear “oh, baby, baby” one more
time I may have had to shoot her phone. I swiped the
ignore button, ending the call and not even two seconds
later it rang again.
“For fucks sakes. She’ll just keep calling. Please answer
it and tell her I’ll call her later.”
It was an odd request, however, if it meant it would end
my suffering, I’d do it.
I slid the green call button and before I even had the
phone to my ear, I heard a woman speaking. “I have an
emergency and you send me to voicemail? That’s low.
Quick, second date tonight, my blue strapless with the
silver heels or my LBD with the gold strappy sandals? I
don’t want to scream easy but I don’t wanna look like a nun
either.”
What the hell was happening?
“Hello. Earth to Mercy! Blue or black?”
“This isn’t Mercy.” Before I could get anything else out
the woman all but screeched.
“Who the hell are you and why are you answering
Mercy’s phone? And don’t lie to me, I can track her phone.
I have an app for that.”
“Well, since you have an app and all, she’s changing.”
“Changing? Who is this?”
“Jason Walker. I work with Mercy.”
“I know who you are.”
I wanted to ask how she knew who I was but I didn’t.
The conversation was weird enough. “Good, then you know
she’s safe and sound.”
Mercy came rushing into the room, hopping on one foot
trying to shove her other foot into a sneaker. She’d pulled
her long hair up into a ponytail and her face was as red as
a beet.
“Here’s Mercy.” I started to hand the phone over before
I pulled it back. “For the record, go with whichever dress
covers more.”
“Covers more? Did you miss the part where I said I
didn’t want to look like a nun?”
“Men like to be teased. To have to use their imagination.
So cover up,” I told her.
“Right. And the shoes?”
“The sexier of the two.”
“Awesome. Thanks. Tell Mer I’ll call her tomorrow. I
have five minutes to get dressed. Bye, Jason Walker.”
She hung up. Weirdest fucking conversation I’d ever had
in my life.
“Who was that?” I asked, as I set Mercy’s phone back on
the counter.
“That was Tuesday.”
 “Tuesday?”
“That’s her name. She’s a five-foot-nine ball of crazy.
When we were in high school, she was an honest-to-God
runway model. Sorry again about asking you to answer
that. She has no boundaries and will call over and over
until I answer.” Her words may’ve sounded like Tuesday
annoyed her, but she was smiling huge. “She’s my best
friend. Well, my only real friend, actually.”
“You’re not going to ask what she wanted?”
“Don’t need to. It’s Friday night, second date with Len,
and I heard you telling her what to wear. I assume two
back-to-back calls were because she was in full-on
meltdown mode not knowing what to wear.”
“You’d be right. She do that often?”
“Do what? The second date thing or the meltdowns?”
“Right. She does both frequently.”
“Right you are. Ready to go?”
This was starting out to be a bizarre evening all the way
around, but strangely it was the most fun I’d had in years.
Wasn’t that some shit? I was a thirty-year-old man and I
considered going to a co-worker’s home and talking to her
best friend fun. Christ, when had my life turned to this?
The niggling guilt slammed into my chest, reminding me I
had no business going anywhere or doing anything fun. We
were working on a case, not playing grab ass.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
 4

S omething was off.

Jason had gone from smiling to stoic in two-point-
five seconds. He wasn’t being mean, or a jerk, or
necessarily quiet. He’d talked on the way to the burger
place next to the high school. He was polite, made small
talk while we waited for our food, but the conversation was
work related. He hadn’t even commented on Tuesday’s
ringtone. Come on, what sane person wouldn’t make fun of
me for having a Britney Spears ringtone? Especially after
I’d asked him if he listened to boy bands.
When our check came, he pulled out cash and refused to
allow me to pay my half. We should’ve taken the bill and
expensed it, but he blew that off, too. The shift was strange
and it was starting to give me a complex. Was it me? Was
my house not tidy enough? Did Tuesday piss him off?
“Listen, I’m really sorry about Tuesday. I hope she didn’t
annoy you or something.”
“She didn’t.”
“So, is something else bothering you?”
“No. Why?”
“I don’t know. You seem a little frosty since we left my
house.”
 The pain that flashed in his eyes took my breath, and I
wished I could pull my careless words back. The emotion
was quickly masked, and I was fast learning he’d perfected
the look. You know the one? The look of indifference. Once
upon a time, I, too, had been so caught up in my grief I’d
taught myself to be emotionless. Blank. Giving nothing to
no one was easier.
“Didn’t realize talking about an ongoing investigation
was considered frosty.”
“Never mind. Sorry.”
“We should get to the game.”
Well, that ended that conversation, and now me and my
big mouth had made things uncomfortable. He was
practically a mute on the way to the high school. The few
times I’d asked his thoughts on the case or ran a scenario
by him he used the least amount of words possible to
answer. My lack of filter kicked in one more time as we
were walking to the stadium.
“I shouldn’t have said anything—”
“It’s fine.”
“I mean—”
Jason stopped and turned toward me. He was a good six
inches taller than me, but with a scowl on his face and
looking down at me, I would’ve sworn on a stack of bibles
he was six-feet taller. He looked like one pissed off man.
“Drop it.”
“Okay.”
He turned and walked off in the direction of the
bleachers. My stomach dropped, and I wished at some
point in my life I’d learned to keep my trap shut.
“You coming?”
I didn’t answer, I just moved. No more talking for me,
God knows, I’d done enough for one night. He found us
seats next to a group of kids and helped me sit. It would’ve
been a lot easier to ignore my silly infatuation if he’d stop
doing little things that made me like him more.
 The game started, and we both were concentrating on
the conversations around us. Trying to eavesdrop while
fans cheered all around was not the easiest task. But I’d
heard the kids behind us mentioning a girl named Stella
would be at a party and she had the hook up. I’d also heard
one of the girls saying she was going to try to get Keith
alone tonight and, by the way Jason stiffened next to me,
he’d heard it, too. The more the teenager went on about
how she was going to corner the undercover narc, the more
I was worried for him. And not because I was afraid Keith
would cross the line with an underage girl, it was all the
ways she had planned to get what she wanted from him.
“Shit,” Jason mumbled.
Shit was right. Her fail-proof plan included spiking his
drink with ecstasy.
I yanked my phone out of my bag and sent Keith a text
warning him of the teenager’s plan and about Stella being
there.
His emoji text back had me shaking my head. The stupid
okay sign a clear indication my original assessment of the
age gap was correct.
Jason glanced at my phone and lifted his chin in
question. I turned the screen so he could see and he
actually smiled.
“I guess your plan to use duct tape wouldn’t work so
well in today’s text-only world. I’d say you’d need to tape
his fingers together, but you might want him to use those.”
I couldn’t believe he’d said that. Not that it wasn’t funny,
because it was. But I’d never heard Jason make an
inappropriate joke. I had my quip locked and loaded but I
opted to keep my mouth shut. I’d already put my foot in it
too many times tonight. And it was crap shoot whether or
not he’d get my sense of humor. Most people didn’t, staying
quiet was my best option.
After a few moments he knocked his shoulder into mine
and said, “Nothing? Really?”
 “Oh, I have plenty. I’m just a little surprised I’d have to
explain to you that if tape was needed on his hands to
prevent him from emojiing me to death that would leave his
mouth free, therefore I wouldn’t need his fingers.”
His head tipped, and he barked out a laugh. I was so
enthralled with the way the muscles in his neck bunched
I’d missed the sound entirely. I wasn’t sure what he’d found
funny, the fact I’d said “emojiing” which I was pretty sure
wasn’t in the Oxford dictionary or that I was alluding to
being eaten out. The more I thought about what I’d said,
the more I couldn’t believe I’d said it. Well, I could, I said
stupid shit all the time. I just couldn’t believe I’d said it to
him.
“At this point, I don’t think I’d know what to do with
either.”
Holy dear God in heaven above, he just said that?
“Eh. I’m sure it’s like riding a bike. Once you hop on the
seat and start pumping away it will all come back to you.”
My hand flew to my mouth like I had to physically
restrain it from embarrassing me further. Who needed their
mouth duct taped shut now? Sheesh, I was such a fucking
idiot.
This time when he laughed, I closed my eyes and
listened. The sound was magical. A mythical noise that he’d
kept hidden for so long. Damn, he had a great laugh, but I
was never speaking again. I needed to have my mouth
wired shut when I was near him.
“Damn, you’re funny.”
Unfortunately, the look on his face wasn’t. Hot. Cold.
Smiling. Sad. His emotions were making me sea sick.
 5

“W alker. James. We need you in the

conference room,” Bruce Adams called into
Mercy’s office on his way past.
“You know what that’s about?” she asked.
“Nope.”
Bruce was our narc’s handler. He was also a damn good
detective. He was the head of the drug task force for the
county. He was one of the few cops that welcomed the help
of the DEA. There was a reason we had an office in this
area. The I-95 corridor was one of the most heavily used
freight routes in the US. It spans from Canada to the tip of
Florida. With the ease of the major interstate it also meant
drugs were also easily trafficked. When the DEA moved
into the area, we were met by some resistance. But Bruce
Adams saw a chance to get drugs off the streets. He didn’t
care who got the credit, or which agency’s numbers got a
bump in bringing in a large bust. His only interest was to
stop drug deals and to prevent more deaths. I respected
the hell out of him.
Mercy quickly grabbed her notebook and files and
disappeared from her office. Why the hell was I still
working upstairs in her office? I had a perfectly good one
downstairs. I had an actual desk in there, too, not a
cramped side table. When I first started working in Mercy’s
office it was out of convenience. We were talking the case
out, sharing information, going over reports, and planning
the operation. Now I’d settled into a routine of coming up
here, working next to her, and talking to her throughout
the day. Either I’d pick up lunch and bring it back or she
would. We’d eat in her office together, talking and laughing
about non-case related stuff. And, sometimes, we’d even
gone out to eat together. It was easy to be around her. Too
easy, as a matter of fact. I liked her, she made me feel
normal, like my old self. Our conversations were always
light, we’d never discussed our private lives. She’d never
asked about my family, and I never inquired about hers.
The only thing that came close to being personal was
Tuesday. We’d talked about her second date, what she’d
worn, what happened, and how she’d already gone on a
first date with someone new in the two weeks since the
football game.
I wanted to ask why Mercy never went out on any dates,
but thought better of it. Maybe she was dating, hell maybe
she had a serious, steady boyfriend. She was a beautiful
woman, and I imagined there were men lining up for the
chance to take her out. She was quirky and funny, too. She
was also brash and had no filter. She blurted out whatever
was on her mind, consequences and hurt feelings be
damned. I actually liked that best about her. You always
knew where you stood with Mercy James, she didn’t pull
punches. When she thought someone was wrong, she said
so, then she backed up her reasoning with facts. She was a
breath of fresh air in my polluted world.
After today, I had to get away from her and go back to
working in my office. If I needed something I could come up
here. I’d been telling myself it was out of laziness, not
wanting to walk up a flight of stairs, that I was staying in
her office. The lie was easier to swallow than the truth.
Because acknowledging the truth meant admitting I
enjoyed her company.
“You coming?” Scott Mann, another SA working the
case, asked.
“Yeah. Right behind you.”
I stood and looked around Mercy’s office. Much like her
home it was organized clutter. Clean shit, as she called it.
Her life, her living space were so much different than my
own. You could feel her personality all around you. Not in
mine. Mine was devoid of any signs of life.
By the time I’d made it to the conference room Mercy
and Bruce were in deep discussion. They were sitting close
together looking over surveillance photos. Scott, Ellen
Mckenna, and Paul Hollman, all agents from the building,
were sitting, waiting to start. I took the seat farthest from
Mercy and Bruce and tried my best not to stare at the duo.
I had no right to feel the jealousy that was bubbling up. I
had no claim on her time or attention. Yet, it still pissed me
off.
Bruce stood and walked to a large, rolling white board
and pointed to a picture of a teenage girl.
“Stella Jones. Keith was able to track her down and
confirm she was there selling her Adderall. Her parents
have been notified, and they confirmed her prescription
had been filled that day, so she had a thirty-day supply to
unload. Not surprising, she’d sold the entire bottle at the
party.”
Bruce moved to the next picture and pointed to it. “Meet
Emma Lucas. Seventeen, a senior, average student, middle-
class family, and girls field hockey player. She was the one
planning on seducing Officer Michaels. Damn good catch,
James and Walker. I don’t think Officer Michaels would’ve
drunk anything at the party, but shit happens, and you
prevented a possible clusterfuck. He poured the drink into
a flask and was able to get it to the lab. Toxicology came
back, gamma butyrolactone, or GBL. There was also a high
dosage of sildenafil.”
“Jesus, was she trying to kill him?” Scott asked.
“She was trying to do something, my guess, trying to get
laid,” Paul added.
Spiking a drink with a date rape drug and adding an
erectile dysfunction medication could have deadly results.
“What are we doing with Emma?” I inquired.
“Emma is Keith’s new girlfriend. He’s keeping her
close.”
“And how is that going to work? The girl obviously wants
sex. She’s not going to take no for an answer. We’re putting
Keith in a no-win situation.”
Mercy said exactly what I was thinking. Going
undercover was always hard, but working in a high school
around minors was much more difficult. You walked a tight
rope of impropriety every day. He had to blend in, talk like
them, act like them, but he still had to follow the law—to
the letter. If this girl was after him sexually, that was a
problem, a big one. And as much as Emma was caught up
in a drug investigation she was still a child and needed to
be handled with care.
“He has it covered. We’ve fitted him, his car, and his
locker with cameras. Every time he’s with her, we’ll have
eyes and ears. He’s protected, believe me he’s not thrilled
to have to even hold the girl’s hand, but he’s committed. He
thinks there’s more at play than a bunch of high schoolers
wanting to get high and have sex. Someone is supplying
them with the drugs.”
I did not envy Keith or the position we were putting him
in. The faster we worked this case the sooner he’d be out of
it. And the sooner I could get away from Mercy and get
back to my cases.
 6

“N essa Kular. Reported missing yesterday after

she didn’t come home from a sleepover
Saturday night. She was supposed to be with
a group of friends at Mary Beth Stevens’s house. The
Stevenses said there was no sleepover at their house,” I
rattled off what Detective Adams had sent me.
Let’s just say, my new number one worst way to start a
Monday was a six a.m. callout. Okay, the callout wasn’t
what I hated, looking down at a pretty, fourteen-year-old
dead girl was. COD suspected drug overdose. A morning
jogger had found her at a park. The only reason the
passerby discovered her was because her dog had gone
into the bushes and wouldn’t come out.
“Parkside High School. Freshman—”
“Wait. Did you say Parkside?” Jason asked.
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. My sister, Delaney’s a teacher there.”
“You have a sister?”
Weird question to ask while standing over a dead body,
but I’d been taken aback. First, because I hadn’t known he
had a sister, and, second, because he’d shared something
personal, which he never did. There were these invisible
walls around our friendship. Inside of those walls were
things we could freely talk about. Like movies, food, the
news, the weather. You know, inconsequential shit that
you’d talk to your deli counter clerk about. Then there was
everything else. That stuff was outside the perimeter and
no-go topics. Family, life, goals, dreams, the past, the wife.
“I have four. Delaney is the oldest. Then there’s Quinn,
and the youngest are the twins, Hadley and Adalynn.”
Perhaps his morning coffee hadn’t kicked in yet or he’d
forgotten to electrify the fence he lived behind, because
that one sentence gave me more information about him
than all of the other sentences combined over the last four
months we’d been working this case together. Not that I’d
told him anything about myself, but that was only because I
knew in doing so, I’d make him shut down.
Jason was no longer looking around the area, he was on
his phone. Truthfully, there was nothing for us to do here.
Adams had only called us to the scene to keep us in the
loop. He believed in sharing every piece of the puzzle. Even
the small stuff the DEA had no jurisdiction over.
“Delaney said she has first period free. If we hurry we
can go and talk to her before her classes start.”
“Did you tell her why you wanted to see her?”
“No, she thinks it’s a brotherly visit.”
The sadness was back, and I wondered if he and his
sisters were close, or if he had other family in the area. Not
that I was going to ask.
We said our goodbyes to the detectives on the scene and
made our way to the street.
“I’m right here, want to drive over with me?” he asked,
but it really wasn’t a question considering he’d already
opened the passenger side door for me.
Once we were on the road he asked, “Do you have any
siblings?”
“No.”
I didn’t elaborate or offer any more information. Just
because he felt chatty at the moment didn’t mean he
wouldn’t change his mind, and talking about my brother
Neil and how I’d lost him wasn’t something I was willing to
share. Not while Jason was still giving me whiplash.
“Do all your sisters live around here?”
“Yes. Hadley and Adalynn are both in college, they’re
twenty. Quinn is and always has been the wild child. She’s
twenty-three and still trying to find herself.”
“Nothing wrong with that. She’s figuring herself out,
and that’s actually a good thing.”
“I suppose. She drives my dad crazy. One minute she
wants to be a flight attendant to see the world, the next
she’s going to school to be an ultrasound tech. Then there
was the time she was going to join the Peace Corps. I think
that’s the only thing he ever flat-out forbade her to do.”
“Why?”
“Because he was in the military and he had firsthand
experience with what goes on in third world countries. And
while the Peace Corps is a great program, it’s not right for
my sister. She has no sense of situational awareness and is
often too trusting. It was a recipe for disaster.”
“Sounds familiar.”
I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. I didn’t know Quinn
and Jason’s dad was probably correct, the Peace Corps may
have been dangerous for someone like Quinn, but I still
bristled at the notion.
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. Do you think there’s a connection to Nessa
and the Polytech parties?”
“Tell me what you meant,” he demanded.
So much for the ban on exchanging personal
information. There was no way for me to answer his
question without explaining my father and my family
situation.
“It just means, I heard something similar when I was
growing up. And when I decided to join the DEA it was met
with resistance.”
 “I don’t understand. Your instincts are spot on; you’re a
great agent.”
His praise felt good. I’d worked my ass off, not to prove I
could be just as good as the men I worked with, or to prove
to my father I could do it. I worked hard for myself. I took
pride in my work ethic and abilities. I’d learned a long time
ago the only person’s opinion that matter was mine. Day in
and day out I competed with myself. Only I knew if I was
giving my job a hundred percent. Only I knew if I was living
my life the way I wanted to. And I was the only one
responsible for my happiness.
“Thanks.”
“So, tell me, who told you you couldn’t do the job?”
“Why, Jason? We don’t talk about this kind of stuff. We
keep our private lives separate from our professional
relationship. The who and the reasons why lean toward
personal.”
“Is there a reason you don’t want to share personal
information?”
Was he crazy? The separation was his doing. I was
mostly an open book. I owned my past. Owned my
mistakes. And owned my grief. He hid behind his,
pretending like the past didn’t exist.
“Me? No. But anything beyond an easy discussion seems
to bother you. I’m just curious why you want to know now.”
“I just do.” His answer was tight and to the point.
“My dad was a cop. He was extremely strict. After so
many years on the job he was jaded. There were bad guys
around every corner. I guess in some ways he was right.
Anyway, I was probably a little like Quinn. I was a daredevil
and had no fear. I was pretty much the same person at ten
that I am now. I never understood why people sugarcoated
the truth, I blurted out whatever was on my mind. As I got
older and learned how short life was, I decided nothing was
going to stop me from living. My dad always told me I had
no sense of self-preservation and I was too impulsive. I do
what I want, when I want, and I’ll rise to any challenge put
in front of me. He hated it. He didn’t want me to go into
any type of law enforcement. He said I was signing my own
death certificate.”
“And what did your mom say?”
“My mom’s dead. She died having me. And while my dad
did his best, I always wondered if he blamed me for her
dying. He never said it, and I knew he loved me, but he
always told me stories about how he met my mom and how
it was love at first sight. He never remarried, or dated, he
lived a very lonely life.”
I probably shouldn’t have added the last part,
considering Jason’s situation, but it was the truth and I
wasn’t known for my tact. My dad died alone. He never got
over my mom’s death, never accepted love from another
person. He said he was happy and his only desire was to
raise me and Neil. But he couldn’t hide from me and my
brother. We both knew he was lonely.
“Jesus, Mercy, that’s horrible.”
I did notice he didn’t say he was sorry.
“It pretty much sucked not growing up with a mom.”
He’d pulled in front of the school and parked.
“Hopefully, your sister will be able to tell us something
about Nessa.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
And the frosty Jason was back. Or maybe this was the
appalled Jason. Growing up I had two choices, sulk and be
sad over not having a mom or make the best out of what I
had. I chose then and still choose now to make the best out
of life. It can all be over in the blink of an eye.
 7

I was reeling from what Mercy had told me. I couldn’t

imagine growing up without a mom. My parents had
played such an important role in my life, I couldn’t
begin to picture a world without them. I was also a whole
lot taken aback by the way she’d told me. I guess I
shouldn’t have been, she’d told me about her mother’s
death like she did everything else, to the point, factual, and
nothing more. I was beginning to wonder if Mercy had any
feelings. I had yet to see any real emotion come from her.
And now she was looking at me like I was the one who’d
dropped a bomb. I suppose she was correct when she’d
said I didn’t ask personal questions. I didn’t, because I
didn’t want to have to answer any. The only reason I’d
brought up Delaney was because Nessa was a student at
the school my sister taught at. There was a chance she
could give us some information and there was the added
benefit I got to warn her to keep her eyes open and stay
safe. What I didn’t need to do was ask her if she had any
siblings or push her to tell me about her family. I don’t
know why I did it, maybe it was because I was too
comfortable around her. The easy comradery made me
forget.
 It had been days since I’d decided I needed to go back to
my own office yet I was still in hers. We stopped at the front
entrance of the school, and I pressed the intercom and
waited until the school’s secretary asked for our names.
The locks clicked open after she told us to check in with the
office.
“Well, at least they keep the doors locked now,” Mercy
muttered. “Something is better than nothing.”
There was nothing to say to that. She was right, it was
better than an open campus, but with all the recent school
shootings I was still worried about Delaney.
We signed in at the front office and made our way to my
sister’s classroom. She stood up from behind her desk and
smiled.
“Jason.”
Yes, she was my sister, but I couldn’t miss she was a
beautiful woman. My dad had always said he was being
punished for every bad deed in his past when all four of his
daughters turned out looking like my mom. He wasn’t
wrong. They all had jet-black hair like her, only their eye
colors varied. Delaney and I got my mom’s blue eyes. Quinn
and the twins got my dad’s eyes, which, on my sisters,
meant they had striking green eyes that were no less pretty
than Delaney’s blue ones. I’d heard how hot my mom was
my whole life, which was disgusting for any son to hear.
The comments had led to more than one fight. And when
my sisters got older, I’d threatened dozens of teenage boys
to stay the fuck away from them. It didn’t matter I was ten
years older than the twins and I was intimidating minors.
“Hey, sis. This is Special Agent Mercy James.”
“Hi, Mercy, nice to meet you.” She offered her hand to
Mercy. “So this isn’t a social visit then?”
I hated how my sister’s smile fell. One more thing to feel
like shit about. I’d pulled away from my close-knit family.
Mainly because we were close-knit. That meant they pried.
It was a shitty thing to think, but they asked questions and
wanted to talk about stuff I wanted to bury.
“Nice to meet you, Delaney. Unfortunately, no. We need
some help on a case and were hoping we could ask you a
few questions.”
“Sure. I’d offer you a seat, but all I have to offer are
desks.”
“We’ll stand. Do you know a student named Nessa
Kular?”
Mercy had taken over the conversation, and I was
grateful. It’d been weeks or maybe even over a month since
I’d seen my sister, and my heart hurt. There was a time
we’d all gathered once a week for family dinners. Then
there were the get togethers almost monthly at one of my
uncles’ houses. It was widely known you didn’t miss a
family function. I’d been given a wide berth after Kayla
died, everyone had wanted to give me time to grieve. But
as the months slid by, I began to take advantage of the
pass. When my dad and uncles had come around and told
me to snap out of it, I’d blown them off. It was so fucked up.
I was fucked up. Now the chasm was so wide I wasn’t sure
how to fix it.
“I do. She’s in my third period algebra class. There are
only two of us that teach freshman math. She’s a pretty
good student. Doesn’t turn in her homework, which isn’t
unusual but she still scores well on quizzes and tests. She’s
very popular. Most teenage girls are more focused on their
social standing than on schoolwork, but she’s almost
desperate for it.”
“What do you mean?” I cut in.
“I’m around teenagers all day long. I watch how they
interact with each other. It’s hard to put into words, more
of a gut feeling.”
“Your gut is very rarely wrong, Delaney. What gave you
the impression she was desperate?”
 “You know how when you were a kid and you were told
you couldn’t do something or go somewhere, you’d be
ticked off? But it was a minor irritation not an over-the-top
end of the world explosion.”
“Like, if Mom and Dad said you couldn’t go to the
movies, you’d argue with them because you wanted to go
but you wouldn’t have had an all-out tantrum or be
extremely anxious you couldn’t go?” I supplied.
“Right. Well, there were a few times I wanted Nessa to
come in during lunch to do her missing homework. She
didn’t simply argue like the rest of the kids. She was
agitated and on the verge of a panic attack.”
“Did she tell you why?”
“She gave me a bullshit reason about being hungry and
wanting to eat. Which, just so you know, the kids who need
to come to my class during lunch bring their food. I did
overhear her telling one of her friends, Cherie Anderson,
not to let anyone sit next to Jeff. It wasn’t that she didn’t
want anyone sitting next to the boy that caught my
attention, it was that she sounded desperate.”
“Do you know who this Jeff boy is?”
“No. I don’t have any Jeffs in any of my classes. Is she in
trouble?”
“She was found dead this morning,” I told her.
“Damn. Has anyone notified the school?”
“No. Word’s going to get out before the PD gets here to
talk to the principal. It always does. But do me a favor?
Keep your eyes open. Any kids acting strangely, let me
know.”
“As soon as this gets around, everyone will be acting
strangely. I hate to say it, but everyone will suddenly be her
best friend. Even the kids that were mean to her or didn’t
like her will act like they were BFFs.”
“You’re right about that,” Mercy said. “Listen for any
talk of parties she went to this weekend. Or any parties
Mary Beth Stevens attended.”
 My sister shook her head, and her eyes widened. “The
Stevens girl is bad news. I wouldn’t be surprised if the
party was actually at her house.”
“Her parents said the sleepover the other girls told their
parents about didn’t happen in their home.”
“Right. Says the rich parents who leave their fourteen-
year-old home for the weekend alone so they can go out of
town. I’d check their credit cards to make sure they were
home this weekend.”
“How do you know that?”
“Teenagers are stupid. They don’t pay attention to who’s
around them when they make their weekend party plans. I
hear all about it. Most nights when I leave here, I wish ear
bleach was a real thing, because girls nowadays are doing
things I didn’t do until college.”
“I don’t want to know.” I held up my hand, stopping my
sister from elaborating further. I knew for a fact she’d only
been with one guy. And he was one of my closest friends. I
didn’t want the details of her and Carter Lenox’s sex life or
I’d rethink kicking his Navy SEAL ass.
“You don’t. Trust me. Sometimes I feel like we’re back in
the 60s with free love, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. These kids
are far too sexually active and open to using an assortment
of whatever drugs they can get their hands on.
“How did Nessa die?”
“Suspected OD,” Mercy answered.
“I hate to say it, but that’s not surprising.”
“Why haven’t you ever told me what’s going on in your
school? I work for the fucking DEA.”
“I don’t know, Jason, why haven’t I?” Delaney’s glare
was lethal. “You’ve been a tad . . . preoccupied the last few
years. And not to mention, my school isn’t any worse than
any other. It’s not like bricks of coke are flowing through
the halls.”
Welp, I’d opened the door and stepped in shit. I
deserved that and more. But I didn’t want to have this
argument in front of Mercy.
“Thanks for the information; we’ll let you get back to
work.”
“Sure.”
She and Mercy exchanged pleasantries, and, just when I
thought I was out of the woods, my sister went for the kill
shot.
“Oh, and, Jason, maybe you can stop by Mom and Dad’s
next week for dinner. Hadley and Adalynn’s twenty-first is
coming up and the ’rents are planning a blow out, your
input would be welcomed.”
“Thanks, I’ll try.”
“I’d try real hard, brother. Word is you’re on a short
rope.”
My ire got the best of me when I turned to scowl at my
sister. Much to my dismay, the look no longer worked like it
did when I wanted her out of my room when we were kids.
“How about we not do this now, and you let me worry about
my personal life.”
“There’s never a good time for you. Never will be either.
Wake up, you’re being a selfish prick, and your bullshit is
affecting the whole family. Namely Mom. And we all know
what happens when Mom’s upset.”
“My bullshit?”
My sister had some nerve calling my wife dying bullshit.
Delaney’s eyes slid to Mercy before they came back to
me. They were softer now, but it was too late, she’d
overstepped. “It’s time. It’s been over two years. We all
miss—”
“Don’t you say it.”
“But we miss you, too. Enough hiding.”
“I’m not hiding from anything. I have work to do, and
you have classes to teach. I’ll talk to you later.”
Damn, I didn’t need another lecture and I really didn’t
want to know what a short rope meant. Maybe I should just
start going to Sunday dinners again. I could sit and smile
and pretend life was terrific for two hours a week. At least
it would make my mom feel better. And if my mom was
happy everyone else would be, too.
After storming out of the school, I waited by the car for
a long time before Mercy finally came out. Great, she was
pissed, as well. I didn’t understand what the hell she had
the right to be mad about. It wasn’t her sister who’d just
embarrassed the living hell out of her. And Delaney had
almost said it, the name was on the tip of her tongue. I
didn’t want to hear Kayla’s name when I was awake. God
knows, I heard enough in my sleep. Every goddamn night I
live our life together over again in my dreams. It was a
never-ending movie reminding me of all the ways I’d failed
my wife. All the ways I’d failed our love.
No, I didn’t want to talk about Kayla or how she was
planning on leaving me. How my wife had fallen out of love
with me. I was a fucking shit husband and a failure.
 8

T o say Jason was pissed would be the understatement

of the year. After he’d stomped out of his sister’s
classroom she’d apologized profusely for her
behavior. I didn’t see anything wrong with what she’d said
to Jason. As a matter of fact, it sounded like it was long
overdue. He was silent on the drive back to the office. He
went straight to his office and slammed the door. I went up
to mine, not interested in his antics.
I sounded like a stone-cold bitch but I understood more
than he realized. I knew what it was like to lose someone
you love in the most horrific way. But what I couldn’t
understand was why he’d shut out his family. The people
who loved him and wanted to support him. What I wouldn’t
have given to have had family around me when I’d needed
them. Instead, I’d been all alone in my sadness and anger.
Again, two choices—lie down and take it or rise above. I
was all I had, there was no lying down for me.
I plopped down in my chair and tried to forget about the
excruciating look of pain on Jason’s face. I dove into work,
hoping it would distract me from wanting to go and check
on Jason. The desire was a direct contradiction to my
earlier annoyance, but the thought of him suffering alone in
his office bothered me, even if it was his own doing. I
needed to get my head in the game, there was another
dead teen, and if we didn’t want more on our hands, we
needed to shut this down. I was going over all the
toxicology reports when Detective Adams poked his head
in.
“Got a minute?”
“Sure.”
“The tox screen came back on Nessa Kular. High levels
of GHB. All consistent with the other reports, the chemical
composition is the same. And the same compounds as the
GBL found in the concoction Emma made for Keith, 1, 4-
butanediol.”
“Jesus Christ, these kids are making GHL from industrial
cleaner?”
Gamma butyrolactone turned into GHB when ingested.
Which was why the liquid Keith gave the lab was GHL but
the tox reports on the dead teenagers came up with gamma
hydroxybutyrate in their systems. Bottom line was someone
had found a recipe to make a potentially deadly sex drug.
“Yes. My guys are tracking down any shipments of
cleaners containing 1, 4-butyrolactone. Good news is there
are secondary chemicals present. The lab narrowed it down
to ink solvent. Bad news is you can buy it at any Walmart or
office supply warehouse.”
“So what you’re telling me is, tracking down a shipment
is going to be a dead end?”
“Pretty much, yes. We need to find out who’s making it.”
“With the internet anyone with the desire can find any
recipe to manufacture any drug.”
The knock on the doorframe nearly had me jumping out
of my seat. I’d been so engrossed in reading over the report
Bruce had handed me I hadn’t heard anyone approach.
“Didn’t mean to interrupt, but Delaney texted me. Mary
Beth wasn’t in school today. Word is she’s in the hospital,”
Jason said.
“The Stevens girl?” Bruce asked.
 “Yes. We went to speak to one of Nessa’s teachers this
morning. She said Mary Beth’s house is a known party
house. Her parents frequently leave her unattended.”
“Thanks for the heads-up. I’ll run their credit cards to
see where they were this weekend.”
“Are you gonna have someone check on Mary Beth’s
whereabouts, or should we start calling local hospitals?”
“I’ll make a few calls. You wanna go with me to
interview the Stevenses again? Maybe we can grab some
lunch after?” Bruce smiled and I didn’t have to look over at
Jason to know he was glowering. Annoyance was pouring
out of him in waves. Not that he had anything to be
frustrated about.
“Wish I could, but I’m behind on filing these reports. You
know how Monday mornings are.”
“Unfortunately, I do. Some other time then?”
“Sounds good. Call me if you track down Mary Beth.”
“Will do.”
Bruce turned to leave, shaking Jason’s hand before he
left my office.
“What’s up, Jason?”
I still hadn’t looked up at him, for some stupid reason I
was nervous at what I’d find. I heard the door click shut
and the snap of the blinds being pulled shut, and my
heartrate spiked.
“Does Bruce often hand deliver tox reports?”
That was not what I was expecting and the accusatory
tone pissed me off. “Sometimes.”
“And you don’t find that odd?”
Now I was mad. I stood up and walked around my desk.
Leaning on the edge, I asked my own question. “Why are
you asking?”
“Just trying to figure out if this is the first time he’s
asked you out.”
What in the ever-loving hell was he talking about? I’d
been working with Bruce for years. Never had he
expressed any interest in me. He was friendly but had
never made a pass at me.
“You’ve lost your mind. He was not asking me out on a
date, and, if he was, I’m not sure what business it would be
of yours.”
“That was him asking you out, Mercy.”
“Fine. Say he was asking me out. Again, I’m unclear why
that would bother you or what business it is of yours.”
“It bothers me.”
Whoa. What? It bothered him? I was still trying to
gather my thoughts and formulate a retort to his
declaration when he stalked toward me. His blue eyes
narrowed and his lips pinched together in two flat lines.
“It’s none of your—”
My statement was cut off when his hands went to my
face, holding me in place, and his mouth slammed onto
mine. I was in such a state of shock I stood frozen until his
tongue licked the seam of my lips, and I automatically
opened for him. There was nothing soft about his kiss, it
was punishing and brutal. But it was so damn good my legs
wobbled. He took and took, devouring me, and I happily let
him. When he pulled away, our eyes locked, and I wished I
knew what he was thinking, but he was so good at hiding
his emotions I didn’t have the first clue. His grip on my face
loosened, and he leaned in, this time placing a feather light
peck on my lips before he walked out of my office.
I must’ve stood cemented in place for a good five
minutes before I finally went back to work. What in the
actual fuck was that? He’d kissed me. Jason Walker had
marched his happy ass across the room and planted a
spectacular kiss on me. Then he’d left. Just walked out the
door without so much as a have a nice day. And I’d let him,
and, what was worse, I’d let him do it again.
The rest of the day had passed by in a blur. Bruce had
gotten in contact with the Stevens family and Mary Beth
was indeed at the hospital. Her father said she had the flu
and he’d taken her in as a precaution. Without a warrant
we couldn’t demand a blood test and we didn’t have
enough to petition a judge, so Bruce decided not to bother.
What he was able to do was interview the mom while she
was home alone. The mom was sticking to the story: they
were home all weekend, and Mary Beth had never left the
house. While his partner continued to speak to the woman,
he’d excused himself to use the restroom. With very limited
time he’d searched where he could but hadn’t found any
cleaners containing the chemicals he was looking for.
After I finished the paperwork I was behind on and
finished going over Keith’s reports I watched the videos
from the narc’s body cam. The more I watched the more
thankful I was to be out of high school and not have any
teenaged children. I knew I was bad in high school, and so
were my friends, but we weren’t this bad. Not even close.
The girl, Emma, had deployed a full-court press to get into
Keith’s boxer shorts. I had to hand it to him, he was
handling it like a champ. He’d given her one reason after
another as to why he wanted to wait. The problem was,
each excuse made him more likable. Like when he told her
she was too special to have sex with at a noisy party. Or
when he told her he wanted her to know he liked her for
more than her pretty smile. Those excuses made a
seventeen-year-old’s inexperienced heart swoon. Now the
girl thought she was in love, where before she just wanted
to be the first girl at Polytech to have sex with him. She’d
said that. It was in his report. She and her friends were the
welcoming committee. She’d even offered to invite one of
her friends to join them. I wanted to gag, and Keith’s
handwritten notes were all in capitals where he’d scribbled
she needed professional help for her low self-esteem.
By the time I was done for the day, I was DONE. All I
wanted to do was go home, curl up on the couch, and not
think about drugs and teen sex. When I passed Jason’s
office, it was empty and the lights were off. My stomach
clenched. It had been months since Jason had left without
saying goodnight or walking me to my car. It was odd how
I’d gotten used to the routine. It wouldn’t be long before
the case was wrapped up and he’d go back to the
trafficking task force and we’d barely cross paths again. I
shouldn’t have let myself get so wrapped up in him in the
first place. I’d been so deep in thought on the way home I
forgot to drive through Micky D’s and pick up dinner.
Screw going back out, there had to be something
unhealthy in my house to eat. Too tired to look, I tossed my
shit on the counter and went straight to my room to put on
my jammies. TV, that was what I needed, anything to stop
myself from thinking about Jason, or Bruce, or how we
needed to hurry and close this case.
I’d just sat down when there was a knock on my door.
Tuesday was still out of town on a modeling gig, and I
didn’t know anyone else who would stop by my house after
nine. Or anytime really. I pushed that depressing thought
out of my mind and got up to answer. A quick check of the
peephole told me Jason still hadn’t gotten over his snit.
“Hey.”
“May I come in?”
“It depends.”
“On what?” His lip twitched. He sure was handsome
when he smiled but he wouldn’t be doing it for long.
“On why you’re here and if you’re finally gonna stop
giving me motion sickness.”
“I’m here to apologize.”
“Then, no, you can’t come in. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait. What?” His hand shot out and he stopped me
from closing the door.
“I don’t want an apology, Jason. I want the why.”
“The why?”
“Yes. Why are you so hot and cold with me? Why one
minute you’re smiling at me and the next scowling? Then
there’s today. So, if you’re ready to talk about those things,
come on in. If you just want to say you’re sorry, save it.”
“You’re so fucking different from her.”
“What?” My lungs filled to capacity as I sucked in a
breath. Was he comparing me to Kayla? That stung, bad.
“You drive me crazy.”
“Back atcha, Jason.”
I opened the door and let him in. I had no idea what he
wanted to get off his chest, but if he was in the mood to
talk, I’d lend an ear.
 9

S omething deep had been brewing over the last few

weeks. I couldn’t place the feeling but then that
wasn’t surprising. I’d spent the last two years trying
to feel nothing at all, so when all of these emotions started
firing off, I didn’t know what to do with them. Today, when
Bruce had asked her out, I could no longer deny I felt
something. I’d done pretty much the worst thing I could’ve
done and kissed her.
I gave in to temptation, and the moment I touched her,
insane desire mixed with guilt. I’d never wanted to be with
another woman other than my wife, even after our
marriage was over. Even after Kayla had died, I still hadn’t
dared look at another woman, not until Mercy.
After I’d kissed her, I left the office and spent hours
driving around trying to get my shit together. But now that
I’d managed to crack the door open, I didn’t know how to
shut it. I ended up pulling into Mercy’s driveway and,
before I knew what I was doing, I knocked on her door.
Maybe I wanted her to slam it in my face. Tell me to fuck
off and that I was a bastard for touching her. Hell, I didn’t
know.
Now that I was inside, I didn’t know where to begin or
what to say.
 “I’m a goddamn mess,” I admitted.
“You are,” she readily agreed.
Her answer was so typical of her, I lost it and laughed to
near hysteria. Leave it to Mercy to agree.
“I can’t stop thinking about you.” I moved toward her,
and she made no effort to back up. “I tried. I really fucking
tried to stay away from you.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to hurt you.”
She was right there inches away from me. My hands
ached to touch her.
“You won’t.”
I needed her to tell me to back off, to stop, something. I
wasn’t strong enough to stay away. Everything about Mercy
called to every part of me. Even the parts of me I’d thought
would be cold and dead forever.
This time, she moved. Her hands went to the back of my
head to pull me forward as she came up on her toes. She
pressed her lips against mine, and every nerve ending in
my body began to spark. She yanked my shirt up and bent
forward so she could pull it off. Hers was suddenly off and
tossed aside, and her lips were on mine. Within minutes the
rest of our clothes were torn off, and I picked her up. Her
back hit the wall behind us. Mercy’s strong legs wrapped
around my waist, her naked body pressed against mine was
almost too much to take. Both of us were in a frenzy to
touch and taste. Her tongue glided against mine, and I
couldn’t remember anything that tasted better—ever. In a
smooth, hard thrust I was inside of her, wetness and heat
enveloped my dick, causing my eyes to roll to the back of
my head. Jesus. Not a word was spoken as I pumped into
her welcoming body. She rocked against me, perfectly in
sync. Her hands in my hair yanked, and it spurred me on.
Standing in Mercy’s living room, up against the wall, I
fucked her like she was the first breath of fresh air I’d had
in years. And, in a way, she was.
 “Jason,” she moaned. “God, yes!”
Her head hit the wall, and my mouth chased after hers. I
needed her lips on mine, I had to taste the excitement on
her tongue. My balls drew up tight, and heat tingled my
spine. Her pussy convulsed and spasmed around my dick,
and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop the come
from exploding out of me. With one more thrust I stayed
planted as deep as I could and savored the sensation. The
last bit of my orgasm spilled into her, and guilt consumed
me. It overtook every ounce of pleasure I’d felt moments
before and stole away the peace Mercy had provided.
What the fuck did I do?
Mercy’s lips were on my neck, and she slowly pulled
back but before she could look at me, I closed my eyes.
“Don’t you dare shut down on me, Jason Walker.”
When I didn’t answer she unlocked her legs from around
my hips and wiggled until I set her on her feet. Both of us
stood butt-assed naked, nowhere to go, nothing to hide
behind.
“Follow me.” She grabbed my hand, giving me no choice
but to follow or yank my hand free. I was too overcome
with emotion to do anything but trail behind her. Like the
lost fucking puppy I was. When had I turned into such a
pansy-assed idiot?
When we reached her bedroom, she flipped on the lamp
on her nightstand. I was grateful it was dim, the last thing I
wanted her to see was my shame. She climbed onto her bed
and pulled me next to her. We laid in silence for a long
time. My thoughts were all over the place. Torn down the
middle. Kayla was dead, had been for a long time, but a
nagging voice told me I’d cheated. But worse than that, I’d
just had the single most passionate sexual experience of my
life. Mercy was so full of life, she was this force of nature
that drew me in. I wanted more of her. More of what we
just had against the wall, more of her in my arms, more of
the confusion she caused.
 10

G ood God, I was sore in all the right places. Never

had I been taken so completely. And by completely,
I mean when Jason was moving inside of me
nothing else had existed. He was all I could feel. My brain
had shut off and lust had taken over. But when the passion
waned, and reality crept back in, Jason had shut down
faster than I’d thought possible. Oh, I’d known he was
going to pull away. I’d just figured it would take an hour. I
hadn’t imagined it would be immediately.
Jason shifted and pulled me closer to him, forcing me to
move my arm or it would be squished. With no other place
to put it, I draped it over his stomach. I was statue still,
waiting for him to make the next move. I’d taken us this far,
it was up to him where we went next. If he wanted to get
up and leave, I wouldn’t ask him to stay. I also wouldn’t
blame him. But whatever it was, the choice was his.
I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until he laced
his fingers with mine, and his other hand started moving
over my hip. It was then I finally exhaled.
“Thank you for understanding.”
“You’re welcome.”
“You’re the first woman I’ve had sex with in about six or
seven years.” Seven years? That didn’t make any sense, his
wife had only passed away two years ago. “I guess you
were right, it was just like riding a bike.” Thankfully his
body was shaking under mine when the laughter I was
holding back broke free. “Though, I think mostly it was
because it was you. There’s something about you that
makes me insane.”
I wasn’t touching any of what he’d just said with a ten-
foot pole. I had a way with words, and not a good way. It
was best I stayed silent. His hand kept gliding over my hip,
and the wetness between my legs had nothing to do with
our previous encounter. I glanced down the muscular plane
of his stomach and was happy to see an erection. I tilted my
head back so I could see him and was pleased when I saw a
smile.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said.
“You’re not bad yourself, hot stuff.”
That was an understatement. He was super fucking hot.
His blue eyes were so incredible they made you want to
stare at them for hours. And while his hair wasn’t as black
as his sister’s it was pretty close. Darker than dark brown,
but not jet-black. He kept it short on the sides but long
enough on top you wanted to run your fingers through it.
“I want to touch you, Mercy.”
“You don’t need to ask.”
He unlaced our fingers and gently traced around my
areola before plucking my nipple to a hard peak. He
couldn’t reach my other one as it was pressed against his
side, so he moved lower down my stomach, not stopping
until he ran his finger between my lips, gathering wetness
and pulling it back up to my clit. Just as my body started to
tingle, he stopped. I wanted to cry out, however my protest
died went he dipped his fingertip inside of me. My hips
came off the bed, wanting him deeper, but he pulled back,
not allowing me to spear myself the way I wanted to. Over
and over he tortured me, circling my clit then back down
only pressing in the tip of his finger.
 “Climb on top of me, I want to watch while you fuck
me.”
He didn’t need to ask me twice. I mounted up like a
cowgirl ready to win blue ribbon. My very unsexy move
earned me a pussy-clenching smile, and my heart swelled.
With both of his hands on my ass, squeezing my cheeks,
he said, “Lean forward. I want to taste your nipples but
damn if I can’t take my hands off your ass to grab one.”
I did as he asked, and when his lips wrapped around my
nipple, he wasn’t gentle. He sucked and nibbled one before
he went to the other, and with just as much force he pulled
it into his mouth. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the
sexy scene. Holy shit, it was so hot seeing him abuse my
sensitive breasts, I wondered if I could orgasm just from
watching.
One of his hands came off my ass, and I could feel the
head of his dick rubbing my clit before it was pressed
against my opening. All I needed to do was slide down. I
didn’t know what I was waiting for, but when Jason popped
my nipple out of his mouth, and his eyes locked with mine, I
was happy as hell I hadn’t just slammed down. I would’ve
missed the best part.
On a slow glide down, I took his dick inch by inch.
Jason’s mouth opened slightly, and his blue irises darkened.
“Mercy,” he panted. “You feel so goddamn good.” I had
to agree, it was good. Better than good. It was fantastic. I
was fully seated on his lap, with his dick so deep it was
nearly painful. My hands roamed over his chest, touching
every part of him I could. I still hadn’t looked away. I was
too mesmerized by the look of wonderment in his eyes.
“Fuck me.”
I leaned forward to kiss him, and my sensitized clit
rubbed against his pubic hair, and I nearly lost my balance.
Luckily his grip on my hips kept me in place. His fingertips
dug in, and I hoped there was a mark. I wanted to look in
the mirror tomorrow and see where his strong hands had
guided me up and down his dick.
My lips were still a few millimeters away from his when
he whispered, “Kiss me.”
“You’re bossy,” I muttered back.
“You ain’t seen bossy yet.”
He didn’t wait for me to lean in, he lifted his head and
took what he wanted.
I learned something about passion that night with Jason.
When two people have an undeniable attraction, the longer
the allure is denied, the more the lust and desire build.
When the need to touch and feel the other person finally
erupts, it’s out of this world.
Everything was escalating at once. His tongue dueled
with mine, his hands kneaded my ass, and I rocked up and
down on his dick as fast and hard as I could. I was one big
ball of sensation. I was trying to hold back my orgasm until
he went.
“Please hurry, Jason.”
“Don’t wait for me, Mercy, come.”
“I can’t. I won’t be able to move once I do.”
“Let. Go.” I couldn’t hold it back when he thrust up.
He remained still for a moment and let me catch my
breath before he rolled me over, pulled out, and rolled me
again to my stomach.
“Up on your knees.”
He tugged my hips until I was where he wanted me,
then he slammed back inside. With a handful of my hair, he
tugged, making me look over my shoulder.
“You are so goddamn sexy, Mercy, I can’t stand it. I want
to touch you everywhere. I want to lick and taste every inch
of you from your sweet mouth to your tight pussy.” His
hard, fast thrusts were stealing my breath. “I want to fuck
you in every way possible.” His rhythm started to falter.
“You feel so fucking good I’m gonna come.”
 He let go of my hair and grabbed both of my hips before
he shoved all the way in and roared his release. His come
spilled out of my pussy and dripped down my thighs. Good
Lord, I’d never thought I’d like a man talking dirty to me,
but when Jason did it, it was hot as hell.
I waited for him to pull out before I went flat on my
stomach. This time instead of pulling away, his hands
rubbed over the back of my calves and thighs. I wiggled
when he traced my ass crack, all the way up my back. He
kissed my shoulder blade before he whispered, “You are
seriously one sexy, beautiful woman. And you have the
finest ass I’ve ever seen. I could spend an entire afternoon
worshiping the beauty that is your ass.”
“Years of Pringles chips have given me that ass.”
“Baby, tomorrow I’m buying you a lifetime supply.”
He rolled next to me and pulled me back to his side like
we’d been lying before round two. The cool air of the room
hit my fevered skin, and I shivered. Without asking, he
knifed up yanking the blankets out from under me and
covered us both up. Once we were situated, I was nice and
comfy and ready for sleep.
“I didn’t use a condom.”
“I know. I’m on birth control.” I was going to leave it at
that until I remembered he’d shared a bit of personal
information with me earlier. “I haven’t had sex in about
three years. I’ve been tested since then.”
He gave no indication he’d heard me, but I knew he was
awake because his hand was still moving over my ass.
Guess he was telling the truth when he’d said he liked it.
“You staying over?” I tried to keep my voice even, not
wanting to convey my preference.
“Is that all right with you?”
“Yeah. Whatever you want.” Was what I said. Inside I
was doing summersaults and jumping jacks.
I cuddled in closer and was almost asleep when I heard
him whisper, “Mercy, Mercy, Mercy, you make me lose my
mind.”
 11

S omething heavy and hot was draped over me,

pulling me from my sleep, and a tiny hand was
covering my heart. I opened my eyes and was
startled when long, brown hair framed a beautiful face, not
short, blonde.
Then I remembered.
Mercy.
I glanced at the clock on the nightstand—five a.m. I’d
slept through the night with no nightmares. Not a single
dream about my old life. That hadn’t happened in years.
Mercy stirred and she mewed in her sleep, bringing back
memories from the night before. I hadn’t come over here
with the intention of fucking her, and certainly not twice, or
to spend the night. Damn, I’m an asshole. What now? I’d
never done the morning after. Did I wait until she was
awake? Stay for breakfast? Wake her and go for round
three?
There were too many conflicting emotions swirling in my
head. Excitement and shame. Embarrassment and
anticipation. I’d admitted I hadn’t had sex in a very long
time, and Mercy didn’t bat an eye or question it. Maybe she
hadn’t believed me, but didn’t want to call me out on it. It
was true. The first three years Kayla and I were married
were good. In the beginning we couldn’t keep our hands off
each other. It was never wild, never rip each other’s clothes
off passionate. It was sweet and gentle. She was sweet and
gentle. Kind and soft-hearted. I’d never spoken to her the
way I did Mercy. I never felt a soul-deep need to fuck her
senseless. Guilt slammed into my chest as I compared the
two. But there it was—the truth. Kayla had been my best
friend, my past, my advisor, she’d been comfortable. And
I’d been those things to her.
I’d also been her caretaker. After she’d gotten sick, our
only focus was her getting better. Doctors, chemo,
radiation. Together we fought to get her well. She’d lay in
my arms at night, and we’d talk, our friendship growing
deeper, but our relationship morphed. Somewhere along
the line we’d stopped being husband and wife and had
gone back to just being friends. The best of friends. After
she’d gotten better, we’d tried to rekindle our sexual
relationship, but neither of us were into it. It was
unspoken, but she’d no longer touched me or even kissed
me more than a peck. There’d been no one else. That
wasn’t Kayla’s style. We’d lived happily together as
roommates. Pretending to the outside world we were still
happily married. When in reality—we were not.
Maybe my best option was to sneak out while Mercy was
still sleeping to avoid any awkwardness. I could get up, go
home, and kick my own ass for being such an asshole. That
was probably my best option. But I couldn’t force myself to
move. She felt too good pressed against me. Her hand on
my heart seemed to be the only thing stopping it from
pounding out of my chest. The gut-wrenching dread of
starting a new day was noticeably absent. The lethargy I’d
had when I opened my eyes was gone. It was so wrong.
Wrong on so many levels. She deserved so much better
than me. I wasn’t just bent, I was broken. I had nothing to
offer her, but the thought of not seeing her tore me to
shreds. Now that I’d been in her bed was it possible to go
back?
The alarm clock buzzed, and Mercy stirred. Sitting up
she blinked a few times before reaching over me to hit the
snooze button.
“Six already?” Six? Dear God, I’d been lying awake in
bed for an hour? “Morning.”
It was hard to think, let alone speak, when her perky,
full breasts swayed in front of my face as she moved across
me to lay back down. My dick throbbed, and I knew it was
time to get out of her bed before I lost control again.
“Morning,” I croaked out.
Mercy’s dainty hand trailed up and down my stomach,
which did nothing to calm my dick or my rioting emotions.
Her touch was magic, it could excite and calm me at the
same time. All thoughts of my past life flew out the window,
all the reasons we shouldn’t be in bed together no longer
mattered. A simple touch of her fingertips made me want to
fuck the hell out of her. I didn’t want gentle, I wanted wild,
pulse pounding, dirty sex. Deep needs within me I’d never
allowed to surface. I wanted to control her orgasms, make
her chant my name, beg me to please her.
“Take a shower with me before you go?”
I nodded my answer and tapped her ass. She didn’t roll
off the other side of the bed, instead she crawled on top of
me and paused. She looked so goddamn hot perched up
there. Rosy nipples tipped the sexiest pair of tits I’d ever
seen. She was strong and lean, so fucking beautiful. My
dick was trapped between us, nestled between her pussy
lips. Mercy rocked and her wetness coated my erection.
“Shower,” I growled.
I needed her bent over, her tight, firm ass filling my
vision as my dick tunneled in and out of her. I wanted to
smack it and see my handprint welt as her pussy tightened
around me. By the time I’d gotten myself under control,
pushing aside thoughts of spanking her, she’d already
turned on the shower.
Cock in hand I stepped into the shower. Mercy’s gaze
dropped from my face to where I was stroking my shaft.
“Is this what you wanted?” I continued to jerk my dick,
pre-come beading on the tip.
Mercy licked her lips, and I wondered what her mouth
would feel like. Would she be timid and shy or would she be
enthusiastic? I bet she’d suck me with the same vigor as
she lived her life.
“Yes.”
“Turn around, hands on the wall.” Her eyes flared, and
her lips quirked.
“Damn, you’re hot when you’re bossy.”
“Pleased you think so.”
She turned to face the wall, and my gaze ate up every
inch of her. “So fucking hot. You ready for me?”
“Yes.”
My hand went between her legs, happy when my fingers
were coated in her excitement. I lined my dick up and
leaned forward, kissing her shoulder and neck before
licking her earlobe. Mercy’s head fell to the side and her
ass pushed back.
“Brace yourself, baby, I’m gonna fuck the hell out of you
until we’re both screaming out in pleasure.”
“Do it, Jason, Fuck me—”
I slammed into her, cutting off any further instructions.
She chanted my name, prayed to God, and begged me
not to stop. Her filthy pleas spurred me on. My need built,
and lust took over. But something else happened,
something bigger, something that scared the hell out of me
—I was falling for her. There was no denying it. The
thought should’ve made my dick shrivel, but, instead, it
swelled. We finished in a hot explosion of expletives and
bliss. But more than that, something that felt eerily like
happiness took root.
 12

O
hoped.
kay, so, I slept with Jason. Not once, but three
mind-bending times. We were adults, we could
work together and not let things get weird. I

Thankfully I worked in a place where jeans and sneakers

were acceptable, because after our shower this morning my
legs were still jelly. And I hadn’t had to do anything but
stand there. Jason did all the work. However, it didn’t
matter if he was the one doing the thrusting, sex with Jason
was a full-body experience. Every muscle in my body still
felt him.
Now I was sitting at my desk, trying to work, but the
butterflies in my stomach were preventing me from
concentrating on my inbox. I couldn’t stop wondering if
Jason would come upstairs and work in my office, and, if
not, would he come up to say hello? Would he ignore me or
smile or wink or acknowledge me in any way? I was
pathetic and sounded like a silly, love-sick girl instead of a
grown woman.
Wait! I wasn’t love-sick, was I? Three rounds of the best-
sex-ever couldn’t make a sane woman fall in love, could it?
No. It was lust. The on again off again crush I’d had was
now infused with a heavy dose of desire. That was all. I
knew better than to fall for Jason. Sex. That was all it was.
And if I wanted to keep having it with him, I’d better keep
my feelings for him in check. It’s not like I’ve never had a
friends with benefits arrangement before. I didn’t have a
problem keeping my emotions out of it. But then I’d never
spent the night or showered or felt any type of connection
to anyone before either.
I junked all the crap I’d been cc’d on that was
unimportant and read Bruce’s last message. His team
didn’t think it was worth it to try and track down a solvent
that was unregulated and easily purchased. They didn’t
want to waste valuable resources. He’d also run the
Stevenses credit cards and Delaney was right, they’d been
out of town in Savannah. He was going back to their house
today. My gut told me it was going to be a dead end. I
didn’t think Mary Beth was manufacturing or selling
anything. Her house was simply a party house due to lack
of parental supervision.
My office phone rang and, without looking away from
my monitor, I hit the speaker button to answer.
“Mercy James.”
“Hi, Mercy. It’s Delaney Walker. Jason’s sister.”
“Yeah. Hi. Everything okay?”
“I think so. Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but Jason’s
not answering his phone and not returning my texts.
Which, the calls, I understand, but I texted him I had
something important to tell him and still nothing. Is he
okay? He didn’t answer his office line either.”
“Yeah, I think so, he was fine this morning.”
“Oh, good, so he’s at work?”
“Um.” Before I could answer Delaney, my office door
opened and Jason walked in carrying two cups of coffee.
“Hey, your sister’s trying to get ahold of you. You’re not
answering your cell.”
“I left it at your house this morning.” I waved my hand
frantically trying to get him to stop speaking but it was too
late. “Guess I wasn’t thinking about my phone after—”
“Delaney’s on the phone,” I all but shouted and pointed
to my desk.
“Hey, big brother.” Delaney chuckled.
Jason stood stock-still. His body so tight I was afraid he
was going to shatter if I breathed in his direction.
“Not a word to anyone,” he growled.
“Mums the word.”
“I’m serious, Delaney. I’ve kept your secret about Carter
for the last eight years.”
“Take it easy. I told you I wouldn’t say anything and I
won’t. You don’t need to threaten me. I get it.”
“Sorry. I know you do.” Jason relaxed a fraction now that
he had his sister’s promise not to tell anyone he’d been at
my house.
I can’t say him wanting to keep me a secret didn’t hurt,
it did. I could understand why, but it still stung. Neither of
us were doing anything wrong. We were both single adults
and could spend time with anyone we wanted. Which
meant it was me, specifically, he didn’t want anyone to
know about. Maybe it was good timing, having the
reminder we were nothing but friends who’d had sex. It
didn’t matter how much chemistry there was between us,
how the sparks ignited, how the sex had been wild and
awe-inspiring. He didn’t now, and would never, see me as
anything more than a quick and dirty fuck. Which I wasn’t
opposed to, I just needed to keep my wits about me.
“Everything okay?” Jason asked his sister.
“I’m fine. You asked me to keep my ear to the ground so
I poked around a little.”
“Delaney! I didn’t ask you to poke around.”
“Sheesh. I know you didn’t. But I was thinking about
something. Last year a new science teacher transferred to
Parkside. The science club’s numbers went up a little last
year, but this year they’ve almost doubled.”
 “Okay. So she’s a good teacher? Aren’t schools really
pushing STEM now?”
“He. The teacher is a man. He’s my age and good
looking. Maybe it’s nothing and the girls are joining the
club because they want to flirt with him. I looked at his
schedule, and he teaches AP Chem.”
“Was Nessa in his class?”
“No, only juniors and seniors, but there’s a Jeff White in
his AP Chem class. And Nessa and Jeff are both in the
science club. I checked the calendar and twice a week they
meet at lunch and every other week after school for two
hours.”
“What’s his name?” I asked.
“Derek Lowe. Do you want—”
“No. I don’t want you to do anything more. As a matter
of fact, stay away from him until we run him.”
“Fine. But you know I can help you.”
“You will be helping by staying out of it. I can’t
concentrate on my job if I’m worried about you.”
“Are you coming to Sunday dinner?”
“Delaney—”
“You should bring Mercy. Just saying. Love you, big
brother, have to run. Talk to you later.” Delaney had spoken
so quickly her words had run together. She also, smartly,
hung up before Jason could scold her about mentioning
dinner—again.
“I’m so sorry,” I started. “I should’ve started with, she
was on the phone.”
“It’s fine. She won’t say anything. She has a secret the
size of Hiroshima she doesn’t want getting out.”
Bam—direct hit. He didn’t say he didn’t care if she told
his family, just that he had enough blackmail material to
keep her quiet.
“Who’s Carter?”
“The man she’s been in love with since she was old
enough to recognize the emotion.”
 “And . . . that’s a big secret because?”
Jason settled into the chair in front of me and stretched
out his long legs. “Because we grew up with him. My dad
has three best friends, they were in the Army together, and
when they retired the four of them went into the security
contracting business. Anyway, Clark, Lenox, and Levi are
their names. They may not be our blood, but we’ve always
called them “uncle.” We grew up with their kids, and when
I say grew up, I mean, we’re a close family. We did
everything together. It was like each of us had four sets of
parents and ten siblings. Carter Lenox is my Uncle Lenox
and Aunt Lily’s oldest son.”
“But not really your aunt and uncle so Delaney and
Carter are not really cousins?”
“Correct. Carter is hung up on a few things. He’s three
years older than her, he doesn’t think the family will
approve, and his job is dangerous.”
“Does he know how she feels?”
“The two of them have been sneaking around since she
was seventeen and Carter came home on leave from the
Naval Academy.”
“So he was twenty?”
“And now you see the issue. It took a lot not to kick his
ass after I found out. Delaney’s my sister and Carter’s one
of my closest friends. The only thing that stopped me was
he was begging me for the beating. He rambled on about
how much he loved her, how it was wrong, how he
deserved for me to hurt him. He was a wreck. In the end, I
couldn’t touch him. I feel sorry for him. He loves my sister
more than anything in this world but he won’t be with her.”
“Wow, that’s really sad. So that’s it? They love each
other from a distance.”
“Pretty much. He’s in the Navy, when he comes into
town, they hook up, he leaves, my sister crumbles, and
waits for the next visit.”
 “What the fuck? She needs to kick his ass to the curb.
Delaney is gorgeous and should not be waiting around for
any man.”
Jason’s deep rumbling laughter filled my office and I
didn’t know what was funny but I was enjoying the sound. I
needed to savor every laugh, every smile, every minute I
had with him. Something in the back of my mind told me
this was only temporary and it would be gone soon. I
needed to soak up and enjoy everything I could, because
when he was gone it was going to hurt like a bitch.
“Damn, I love it when you get fierce and protective.
Normally, I would agree with you. But Delaney is not the
only one who’s left devastated. His team nicknamed him
monk. Never, not once, has he taken a woman while he’s
been away from Delaney. And they are not together. No
promises have been made and no claims to be faithful. My
sister’s it for him, there will never be anyone else. All they
need to do is work their shit out, but I don’t see that
happening for a while. Something earth-shattering would
have to happen before Carter Lenox pulls his head out of
his ass. He is as stubborn as they come.”
“Oh, so, it’s a family trait,” I muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Bruce sent us an email . . .”
I steered the conversation to work, not wanting to think
about poor Delaney’s love life. I seemed to be in the same
situation she was in, minus the love, and the life-long
friends part. It seemed we both wanted men we couldn’t
have. Maybe I hadn’t gotten over my need to fix people as
much as I thought I had. Red lights were flashing and
sirens were blaring, warning me to pull back. But I knew
the next time Jason came to me, I’d welcome him.
 13

I ’d been tossing my phone back and forth in my hands

for the last thirty minutes. Dreading the call I needed
to make. It was long overdue, and I was going to catch
shit for it.
Man the fuck up, Walker.
I dialed the number I knew by heart, and it rang twice
before the call connected.
“Hey, Bud, how’s it goin’?”
“Hey, Dad.”
Suddenly I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. That’s not
true. I knew, I just didn’t know how to say it.
“Delaney said she saw you the other day. Something
about a case you’re working on spilling over into her
school. Anything we should know?”
“One of her students OD’d. The investigation actually
started at Polytech. We caught word they have a pharma
issue over there. Local PD put together a task force and
asked for our help. Seems we’ve stepped into something
else.”
“Not your usual assignment,” he noted.
“Not even a little bit. A DI agent asked me to work the
case with Diversion Control.”
“Mercy James?”
 Shit, goddamn, of course my dad would know. All it
would’ve taken was Delaney telling him I’d shown up with
Mercy, and my dad would have had all the intel on her
within minutes.
“Yep. How far did you dig?”
The answering chuckle told me I was right. I should be
offended or at least annoyed, but I knew why my dad did it.
His time as Army Special Forces left him mostly distrusting.
“Not as far as I go with your sisters. Shame what
happened to her dad and brother.”
“Hate to tell you, Pop, but you looked up the wrong
Mercy James. She doesn’t have a brother.”
I remembered the conversation. The first time we’d
exchanged anything personal, I’d asked her if she had any
siblings after I’d told her about my sisters. She’d said no,
then went on to tell me her mom had died. I still couldn’t
wrap my head around what it would’ve been like to grow
up without a mother. My mom was such an important part
of my family, we’d be lost if we didn’t have her.
“She may not have a brother now, but she did. He died
at eighteen, drug overdose. A few years later her dad,
Officer Paul James, died in the line of duty. Ironically, he
worked on the guns and drugs task force. Good cop
according to his sheet.”
“She fucking lied to me.”
“Come again?”
“I told her about Delaney, Quinn, Hadley, and Adalynn.
When I asked her if she had any siblings, she said no.”
“Son, you should understand that sometimes—”
“No, Dad, she told me about her mom dying in
childbirth. Told me her dad was a cop. She even compared
herself to Quinn. But she never mentioned a brother or her
father dying. She told me he’d been strict, didn’t want her
going into law enforcement, and he never got over his
wife’s death.”
 A few things occurred to me after I’d repeated the
conversation back to my dad. Was Mercy comparing me to
her father? She’d said he was lonely, didn’t date, never
remarried, and couldn’t get over her mom dying. Is that
what she thought about me? I couldn’t get over my wife’s
death? She thought I was some lonely sap? I also couldn’t
believe she’d lied to me. Flat out didn’t tell me the truth.
“I gotta go.”
“Jason! Bud, I’m gonna caution you from going to her
and saying something you’ll regret.”
“What makes you think I’ll regret it? I talked to her
about Quinn. I told her about my sisters. Personal—”
“Son, telling a woman about your sisters is not personal.
It is a normal friendly conversation. And I know you’ll
regret anything you say in anger—because you’re angry.”
“That makes no fucking sense.”
“When was the last time you cared about anything
enough to get angry?” Well, fuck. Nothing slipped by Jasper
Walker. I shouldn’t have called him. He was too perceptive.
I never could hide anything from my dad. “Right. Now
when was the last time you cared enough about a woman
or what she did or didn’t say to get angry?”
“It’s not like that.”
Or was it? Shit, I didn’t know what it was like.
“I’m not asking what anything is like. I’m pleased as
fuck you’re feeling something, even if it’s anger. Because,
Bud, I gotta tell you, you numb is excruciating to watch. All
I’m saying is check yourself before you put Mercy on blast.
She may have her reasons for not wanting to talk about her
brother and dad, the same way you don’t want to talk about
Kayla.”
“Yeah, all right.”
“You’re not gonna listen to me, are you?”
“I listened, I just don’t know if I can take your advice.”
“Your mom would like to see you. If you don’t want to
come to Sunday dinner, I suggest you call her and make
arrangements for another night of the week. You should do
that soon. And you should also consider having Mercy
sitting next to your ass at your mom’s table one night soon,
too.”
“It really isn’t like that. It’s not a bring home to meet the
family situation.” I cringed saying the words out loud. What
kind of prick was I to admit that to my dad? Mercy was not
some bar pickup. I had no right treating her like she was.
“Once upon a time I knew a young man that was dumb
enough to think the same thing. Unfortunately or
fortunately for you, depending on how you look at it, there
is nothing you can tell me that I haven’t walked through.
Think back over your life, and what you know about me,
your mom, and how we started. Then you think on your life
and how we’ve walked the same path. Reach out, Bud,
that’s all you need to do. We’re waiting.”
“I miss the good old days. When I was a kid and all there
was to worry about was whether Delaney was going to go
into my room and mess up my video games.”
Damn, life was easy then. I’d damn near give anything to
go back there.
“Son, these are the good old days. Today, right now.
You’re wasting them. It’s time to wake the fuck up and start
living. You’re still alive, start acting like it.”
With that sucker punch to the gut, my dad disconnected.
He was right, I was alive, I just didn’t know how to start
living again.
Within minutes, I was in my car on the way to Mercy’s
house. A smarter man would’ve heeded my dad’s advice
and cooled off first. But no one had ever accused me of
being smart, then there was the fact that Mercy drove me
to stupidity. I lost my mind when I thought about her.
Completely and totally dumb when it came to her.
I pulled into her driveway and hoped she wasn’t home.
Now that I was there, I knew it was a bad idea but I
couldn’t stop myself from stomping to the door and
knocking. When she answered with a smile, I pushed my
way past her and, without so much as a hello, started in,
and I was brutal.
“So, why don’t we start with your brother and dad, then
we’ll talk about why you lied to me.”
I watched in morbid fascination as her face went from
sheet white to bright red.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Your brother and your dad?”
“What about them?” she growled.
Yeah, she was pissed now, but I was furious so we were
almost even.
“I thought you said you didn’t have any siblings?”
“I don’t, he’s dead.”
“Why didn’t you just say that?”
“Oh, I don’t know, let me think. That’s right, because
when you asked, you were giving me whiplash with your
hot and cold shit. Kinda like you are now. Need another
reason? It’s probably the same reason why you don’t talk
about Kayla.”
“What about her? There’s nothing to tell.”
“There’s plenty to tell but you keep it locked up so tight
I don’t think you know where you’ve hidden the key.”
“I married Kayla when I was twenty-one. She was
twenty-three the first time she got cancer. She beat it the
first time. It came back when she was twenty-eight and that
time it was more aggressive, and she decided she didn’t
want to go through treatment again. She was dead in six
months. That’s it. End of story.”
Cancer. Six goddamn letters that had blown my life up.
It was easier to say the words in anger. Easier to spit out
the facts when there were no other emotions involved,
when I could keep the crushing pain of her death pushed
down deep.
“How’d you feel about her refusing treatment the
second time?”
 “Doesn’t matter what I felt. It was her decision.”
“I didn’t ask that. I asked how you felt about it.”
“I fucking hated it. I was furious with her. I wanted her
to try again, and she flat out refused!” I yelled. My hands
scrubbed over my face. This was a bad idea. “I can’t do
this.”
“Can’t or won’t?” she pushed.
“You have no idea—”
“I don’t? My older brother got involved in drugs when
we were in high school, he was a senior. My dad was on an
overnight shift, and my brother stumbled in around four
a.m. and woke me up. I went into the living room to find
him convulsing. I called nine-one-one but he was dead
before they arrived. Tox came back, he had enough
tranquilizers in his system to take down a fucking moose.
My dad shut down even more after that. He was reckless at
work and was hellbent on finding those responsible for
selling my brother the drugs. It took almost four years but
when there was a string of deaths in the area all with the
same cocktail of drugs my brother died from, he went in to
make the bust. He knew going in he wasn’t coming home
and he went in anyway. I was twenty, and my dad made the
decision to leave me an orphan. So, Jason, you see, I
understand. The difference is, you wake up every morning
and decide to let the past dictate your future. I wake up
and I’m thrilled for a new day.”
“She was divorcing me!” I bellowed. “Before she got the
second diagnosis. She had the separation agreement drawn
up and had signed it. Every fucking morning, I look at her
pretty, flowing signature on that paper and think, even her
damn name looked happy to be leaving me.”
“Why in the hell do you still have those papers? And why
would you look at them?”
“To remind me what a bad husband I was.”
“Throw them away, Jason.”
 It wouldn’t matter if I did, I had the agreement
memorized. I knew every detail she’d had typed up. It was
an easy separation. A no fault divorce with no support. She
wanted nothing from me. Just a fresh start and the
opportunity to be happy.
“You know the worst part? The part that’s
unforgivable?”
“I don’t think anything you could’ve done was
unforgiveable.”
She had no idea what a dick I was. How many times had
I sat next to my sick wife and beat myself up for not being a
better man? The type of man she deserved by her side.
“I didn’t love her,” I rushed out. I’d never admitted that
to anyone but Kayla. The words tasted like shit as I said
them, and I was afraid I was going to choke on the guilt
and pain. “Not the way a man is supposed to love his wife.
We had three good years together. Then she got sick.”
“Jason—”
How the fuck had me coming over here turned into this?
All I wanted to know was why she’d lied to me and there I
was spilling my fucking guts about stuff I didn’t want to
talk about, didn’t want to think about.
“So there you have it. You know everything. We were
roommates. Nothing more. We didn’t have sex, we didn’t
kiss. We shared a platonic bed. She died in my arms making
me promise I’d move on and find someone to love. How in
the fuck am I supposed to do that when she never got to
find a real man to love her the way she needed to be loved?
She never found passion, or soul deep hunger. All she got
was me.”
I’d laid my shit bare, opened a vein and was
hemorrhaging. Everything I’d never wanted to admit
lingered in the air, threatening to suffocate me. She
deserved more, hell, both of them did. Mercy and Kayla. I’d
ruined Kayla’s life but I wouldn’t let myself ruin Mercy’s.
“I need to leave.”
 14

“D on’t you dare walk out on me, Jason.”

His chest was heaving like he’d run a
marathon, sucking all the oxygen out of the
room. There was so much information to process, and I
wasn’t sure how he’d found out about my dad and PJ, but
all of that could wait. But Jason couldn’t. Not when he
looked like he was ready to crawl out of his skin.
“Why the hell would you want me to stay? Didn’t you
hear me?”
“I did. Heard every word.”
Knowing he and Kayla were separating before her
cancer came back shone a new light on the situation. I now
understood where his guilt came from. Something I could
never understand before. It wasn’t his fault she got sick,
and certainly not his fault when she didn’t want treatment.
I didn’t blame her for not wanting to spend the last months
she had left going to doctors’ visits and sick as a dog. I
wouldn’t either, not that I would tell him that right now.
“I need to leave.”
“No. You need to come lie down with me.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. You need to calm down before you decide
to drive anywhere.”
 “I’m fine. I shouldn’t have come here.”
He started for the door, but I darted across the room
and got there faster.
“You’re not leaving while you’re upset. No way.” With
eyes as big as saucers he reached for the door. “I’m not
kidding.”
“And what, Mercy, you’re going to stop me?”
“Damn right, I am.”
We stood staring at each other in the world’s longest
Mexican standoff. Some crazy arcs of electricity zapped
between us. He was pissed. I was pissed. Emotions were
high, and he looked crazy sexy.
“I need you to stay.”
“I can’t. Not the way I’m feeling. I have to leave.”
We were back to watching one another. Silently waiting
for the other to break. I wasn’t moving from in front of the
door, and he wanted out. If I hadn’t known what it had
taken for Jason to share what he did, and he wasn’t looking
at me like I was his last hope for survival, I would’ve
moved. But I did and he was. There was no mistaking the
hunger swirling in his eyes.
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop if I stay,” he damn
near whispered. “And I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t want you to stop.”
“You don’t get it. I’m falling for you. I think about you all
the damn time. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted a
woman. I want you to feel the depth of my pain and guilt. I
want you to take it and understand it. I want you to fucking
see me. This me, the broken man, and still want me just as
badly as I want you. I want everything, but I have nothing
to give you in return. I’ll wreck you. And, one day, when you
look at me with devastation marring your beautiful face,
you’ll hate me for what I’ve done to your life.”
“I won’t let you. You’ll never have the power to destroy
me.”
 “But I want that power, Mercy. I want you to fall in love
with me. I don’t want to be alone in what I feel for you.”
Christ Almighty, he was killing me. I wanted to believe
what he was telling me but I was afraid. He was emotional
and had just unloaded a heavy burden.
“You won’t be alone. I’ll give you everything you need.
All of what you want. But you need to understand, no one
will ever have the power to crush me. It won’t matter how
much I love you, how badly I want you. You have to know,
at the end of the day, if you leave me, I will push through it.
And that does not mean I won’t give myself to you
completely. Because I will.”
“I’m fucked up, Mercy.”
“Aren’t we all?”
Some of the hurt had crept out of his eyes, but none of
the need or lust had waned. When he looked at me like I
was the next meal he wanted to devour, I felt strong and
brave and wanted. I would give him everything I had to
give but I’d promised myself a long time ago that no matter
what happened in my life I would never break. Not when PJ
died, not when my dad left me, not when I had to power
through shit at work. I was stronger than that.
“Take what you need, Jason.”
“I can’t. I’m too afraid to touch you.”
“Take. It.”
“I can’t be gentle.”
“I don’t want gentle. Gentle is not us. I want you to rip
my clothes from my body and take what you need. Because
whatever it is you take, will be exactly what I want to give.”
It didn’t take Jason but a moment to have my clothes in
a heap on the floor and his soon followed. And true to what
he’d said he hadn’t been gentle. He lifted me up, carried
me to my bedroom, deposited me on the bed, and loomed
over me, looking unsure.
“Take it, Jason.” His arms trembled, and his breathing
was labored. He began to shake his head, and I made the
decision for us. “Fine. I’ll take it.”
I bucked my hips, forcing him to his back, and rolled on
top of him. I didn’t waste anytime, not when I knew what I
wanted and what he needed to calm his mind. I took his
long, thick dick in my hand and stroked his already erect
shaft. His hips flexed, and he thrusted up into my hand.
“Harder, Mercy.”
I tightened my grip and pumped faster, using my other
hand I reached down and cupped his balls and rolled them.
His eyes closed, and his back arched.
“Jesus!”
Pre-come was leaking and if it wasn’t physically
impossible for me to reach, I would’ve licked the salty fluid.
I wanted to know what he tasted like, what he felt like in
my mouth. Another time. Right now, I needed Jason on the
brink. I needed him only thinking about us, and how good
my hands felt.
“Enough. Fuck me.”
I lined the tip of his dick up and slammed down.
“Good God!”
He could say that again. He stretched me to full. My
nails scratched his stomach as my hands made their way up
to his chest. His moans spurred me on, I leaned forward to
lick around his tiny nipple before I nipped it and moved to
the other side. His hands moved from my hips to my ass,
once he had a handful, he squeezed, helping me glide up
and down.
“Harder, Mercy,” he growled. I lost one of his hands for
a second before it landed with a sharp smack.
Holy fuck, that felt good. I’d never been spanked, never
thought I wanted to be spanked, but the sting of his slap
had turned to heat and it shot straight to my pussy.
Jason’s mouth was sucking and biting everywhere he
could reach, my nipple felt raw, and my neck was sensitive
from where he’d nipped. Every part of me tingled with
excitement, with an overwhelming energy that threatened
to explode.
“God damn, I can’t get enough of you. I want to touch
you everywhere at once.” His hands were moving up and
down my back and mine dove into his hair. “I’m gonna
come, Mercy.”
I was so close, even if he went before me, if wouldn’t
matter, I’d still be able to get myself off. I rocked harder,
grinding down, making sure I put friction on my clit, and
tried to catch up.
“So fucking pretty. I don’t know what to do with you,
Mercy. I can’t let you go. Even if it’s the right thing, baby.
I’m so damn sorry, but I can’t.” His ass tightened, thrusting
up, going deeper, then he froze. “So fucking good.”
He groaned his orgasm, closing his eyes with his head
tipped back, it looked painful. I wanted to watch the rest of
the show but I couldn’t focus as pleasure wracked my body,
and I shook with the force of the explosion. Jason moved
my hips and urged me on. I heard the words but couldn’t
process what he was saying.
I was spent.
Done.
Emotionally and physically exhausted.
I collapsed on his chest and listened to his heart race as
I tried to catch my breath. I’d never had make up sex, or
angry sex, or really any sex that involved any sort of high
emotional conflict. I had to say, it was good, really good.
The next time Jason pulled his Dr. Hot-stuff and Mr. Frost
routine I knew how I was going to mediate the issue. It was
much better than arguing, and highly pleasurable.
“You okay?” He kissed the top of my head and slowed
his hands on my back.
“I’m perfect.”
“I didn’t hurt you?”
Good night, he was too much. Rough and dirty sex god
while we were doing the deed and gentle concerned lover
when we were done.
“You mean the spanking?”
“Yeah.”
“I hope you add that to your repertoire for the future.”
“What?”
On a sigh I sat up so he could see me. “Please listen to
me. You’re not going to hurt me. In case you’ve missed it, I
like rough sex. Or, more to the point, I like when you are
rough during sex. I like it when you pull my hair. I like
hearing you get dirty. I really loved when you spanked me.
It shocked the hell out me, but I want you to do it again. I
want you to try and do whatever feels natural and good to
you. I want the real you, the raw you, not the polite Jason
you give the world. I have a feeling you don’t show this side
of you often.”
“I’ve never shown this side of me to anyone.”
“No one?” I eyed him skeptically.
“You sure you wanna know this?”
“Yeah. I wanna know anything you wanna share.”
“Right now? While my dick is still inside of you?” His lips
twitched into a grin.
Okay, maybe he had a point. I rolled to the side, both of
us groaning when I pulled off of his softening dick. I
cuddled close to his side, one arm going around his middle,
my leg tangling with his.
“All right, I’m ready.”
“You sure?”
“I said I was.”
Jason took a deep breath and started. “When I started
going out with Kayla, I’d only been with one other girl and I
was her first. When we were in college, we both agreed we
needed to slow our relationship down and take a break.
She’d never really dated. I didn’t want her to wonder if
she’d missed out or was settling. During our time apart,
she went out with a few guys, and I was with a few girls.
We were not together. She didn’t cheat on me, and I didn’t
cheat on her. Everything was on the up and up and honest.
Thinking back, that should’ve been my first clue.
“Kayla was my best friend, we told each other
everything. I knew about the other guys. At the time, I
wasn’t jealous she’d been with someone else. I thought I
was being mature by letting her see what else was out
there. Now I know better. Another man touching her
should’ve made me see red, I should’ve been jealous
someone else was kissing her, but I wasn’t. So that is the
long way of me telling you I’ve only been with a handful of
women. Kayla being the longest. She was sweet, and kind,
and soft-spoken. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
He stopped and fidgeted for a moment before he continued,
“And that was the way our lovemaking was. I’m not
complaining, or saying I didn’t enjoy the time we had
together. But it was always gentle, one position. Never in
the shower, or against a wall, or bent over a bed. It wasn’t
rough and raw. I always held a part of myself back because
I knew she needed something else from me.”
Well, hearing that wasn’t pleasant, but neither was it
terrible. I could never compete with the ghost of Kayla, nor
did I want to. I was me, there was no changing the way I
was. I may have been a lot of things, but soft-hearted and
gentle were not two of them. I also didn’t want Jason to
ever hold anything back from me, not even the
uncomfortable talks about his sex life before me.
“And with the other girls? Did you ever let yourself go
with them?”
“No. For one, I’ve never trusted anyone enough to allow
myself to be real. But I think the biggest thing is, what I
feel for you goes beyond wanting to rip your clothes off and
get inside of you as quickly as possible. It’s more than
physically needing you. I want the connection. No, I need
it. I can’t explain it but when we come together there is this
whole other part of me that snaps. I want to consume you,
steal your breath, seal you to me, get lost in you. It scares
the shit out of me. You quiet all the crazy shit running
through my head. You turn me into this wild beast that
wants to claim and protect. And, for the record, thinking
about another man touching you makes me want to commit
murder. When Bruce asked you to lunch, I wanted to kick
his ass for even looking at you. I’ve never been jealous, not
once in my entire life have I been possessive.”
“I’m glad you trust me.” I kissed his chest and sat up. “I
want you to know I feel it, too. The connection. The power
and soul-deep need when we come together. I don’t ever
want you to hold out on me. I want all of you, even the
scarred and angry parts. Earlier you said you were scared,
you’d wanted me to feel your pain and guilt. I want to take
those from you, but the only way that happens is if you stop
running from what we have.”
“I’m not running, Mercy. I’m here, I’ve told you more
than I have anyone else in my life. No one knows we were
getting divorced. Once Kayla got sick again, we decided
. . .”
“There was no point.”
Damn, that was tough. I couldn’t imagine going through
what he and Kayla had been through. I didn’t know what
else to say to him, and he didn’t look like he wanted to
share anymore.
“Thank you for talking to me. For giving me the gift of
your trust and honesty. I’ll never take it for granted or
abuse it.” He nodded and closed his eyes. “You staying the
night?”
“Yes.”
“Flip the light off, would ya?”
He reached over to the nightstand, plunging us into
darkness, then he gathered me in his arms and held me
tight. Surrounded by the warmth of the bond we were
forging, I closed my eyes.
“I’m falling in love with you, Mercy.”
“I’ll catch you if you promise to catch me.”
 “I’m fucking terrified.”
“So am I.”
I knitted our fingers together and settled our joined
hands over his heart. The longer I lay there awake, the
more I realized. I talked a big game, thought I was tough,
and had my life wrapped up so no one could hurt me. But I
was wrong. Maybe I’d never truly loved anyone before.
Because, as the minutes ticked by, the more I’d come to
understand he could destroy me. And, damn, if that wasn’t
frightening.
 15

W aking up with a naked Mercy pressed against

me was my new favorite way to wake up. I
hadn’t slept at my house in days. I only went
there in the mornings to change for work. Hell, at that
point, I never wanted to go back to that house. It felt like a
tomb rather than a home anyway. A place where I’d stayed
to punish myself for my failures. While inside those four
walls I couldn’t forget what I’d done. But here in Mercy’s
house, in her bed, I could breathe. Here, with her wrapped
in my arms I wanted to live again. I wanted to let go of the
guilt and be the man who would make her happy.
“Morning, baby,” she muttered, pressing her ass against
my lengthening dick.
That was something else I loved about waking up next to
her; first thing in the morning she was hot for anything I
wanted to give her. When she’d woken up yesterday, and
before she could roll on top of me, which was her favorite
way to wake up, I’d slid between her legs and ate her until
she was screaming. And when she returned the favor and
sucked me off, I lasted all of two minutes and didn’t give
the first fuck I couldn’t hold back. The second she’d licked
around the head of my dick I was ready to come. And when
her lips wrapped around my erection and slid down my
shaft, swallowing me whole, I was a goner. Her mouth was
only second to her pussy. Everything about her turned me
on and had me ready to shoot off. It was a miracle I could
hold off long enough to make it good for her.
She hadn’t been kidding when she’d told me she liked it
when I spanked her. I still wasn’t sure where the impulse
came from, because I sure as shit had never smacked
anyone else’s ass before, but when her firm bottom came
into view all I wanted to do was pinken it. Thank God, she
loved it. And by loved it, I mean she went fucking wild
when I slapped her ass while taking her from behind. She
bucked back, moaned, and came so damn hard I thought
she’d snap my dick. Pure perfection. All of it. The sex could
not be better.
However, it was more than that. More than simply wild
abandon between the sheets. Anytime I was around her I
was happy. Me, Jason Walker, the asshole who’d been living
in a self-imposed hell, was happy. And when I wasn’t with
her, I wanted to be. I wanted to hear her voice, see her
pretty face, feel her larger than life presence. She was so
honest, it was refreshing. She didn’t care if she called me
out on my shit. If I started to get quiet, she told me to snap
out of it. Everything about Mercy screamed—life.
“Morning, Mercy.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“It is,” I confirmed.
“We don’t have to get out of bed.” Her ass wiggled
again. “Have any ideas?”
“Oh, yeah. Spread your legs for me.” She was on her
side facing away from me, the best she could do was drape
her leg over mine, which gave me minimal room, but
enough to play. “Wet already,” I noted.
“I was dreaming about you.”
I pumped my fingers in and out, loving how she rocked
with the motion.
“Tell me about it.”
 I bit down on her shoulder, she moaned, and our
telephones started ringing.
“This better be good,” I complained, pulling my hand
free.
I rolled to the nightstand and grabbed the phone.
“Bruce.” I handed her cell to her and rolled again, this
time to get out of bed.
I heard her answer her call. I went to the bathroom, shut
the door, and answered mine.
“Walker.”
“We have fourteen dead kids and three more in the
hospital,” Scott Mann said.
“Fourteen?”
“Six from Parkside. Eight from Polytech. Three in the
ICU are from Parkside. We need you in the office.”
“Dammit. Be there in twenty.”
I didn’t bother going out to get Mercy, I knew she’d just
gotten the same intel. I started the shower, stepped in, and
waited for her to join me. It didn’t take long for her to slip
behind me. I offered her a bottle of shampoo, she
wordlessly accepted it and started washing her hair.
“All I got was fourteen dead, Bruce give you anything
more?”
“No. Just that Keith is coming in and he’s bringing in
Emma.”
“With her parents?”
“No.”
“That’s going to be a problem. She’s a minor.”
“Not as of midnight. Today is her eighteenth birthday.”
“It’s seven a.m. on a Saturday morning. He say why he’s
with the girl this early?”
“Bruce didn’t elaborate. I don’t know if he knows. He
just said we were needed.”
“We or you?”
“He started with I was needed and you were his next
call. I told him not to bother, you’d already gotten a call,
and we’d be in soon.”
I wasn’t sure why my heart started beating faster. Was it
because she’d innocently told Bruce she and I were
together this early on a Saturday, and it felt good knowing
she had no issue with people knowing we were a thing? Or
was it because people would now know we were seeing
each other?
“What’s wrong?”
Damn, she had an uncanny ability to read my every
thought and emotion.
“If Bruce knows, you know the entire department will
know by the end of the day.”
“Is that a problem for you? I didn’t know we were
hiding.”
Were we hiding? Was I? Was it too soon for everyone to
know? Did I want them to know?
With a sigh Mercy yanked back the shower curtain, but
before she could step out, I pulled her back in and cradled
her to my chest.
“I’m not hiding. And this has nothing to do with me not
wanting people to know how much I love you. This is about
me and my shit.” Her body had turned to stone, and I
wondered what I’d said to make her so upset. “What’s
wrong?”
“You love me?”
Her pretty eyes looked up at me, and even with wet hair
plastered to her head she was the most beautiful thing I’d
ever seen. I loved seeing her with no makeup, not that she
wore a lot, but with her face wiped clean she looked softer,
more vulnerable. Something she didn’t show, not to anyone
but me. I was the only person who got to know this side of
Mercy. And it was only fitting since she got all of me.
“Mercy, baby, I told you I was falling for you.”
“Falling is different than fallen.”
I didn’t mean to chuckle but she was so damn cute I
couldn’t help it. My laughter died when she balled up her
fist and socked my chest. For a little thing she could hit.
“Sorry.” With one last chuckle I lowered my mouth to
hers and paused. “Yes, I’ve fallen, so I guess the question
is, have you caught me?”
“Yes.”
Our lips were still a hairsbreadth apart. “Say it, Mercy. I
want the words.”
“I love you.”
With a primal growl that started in the pit of my
stomach and bubbled its way out of my throat, I closed the
distance. Her kiss tasted sweeter—present and future
fused, mixed together, and calmness settled over me. A
deep-seated love I hadn’t known was real filled my soul. I
felt every swipe of her tongue, every mew, and the brush of
her bare tits in a new and profound way. She’d entrenched
herself into my heart.
“If we had more time—” I broke the kiss.
“But we don’t. Duty calls.”
“Tonight?”
“Mmm . . . tonight we’ll—”
“God, please don’t say it or we won’t be leaving the
shower.”
“Come on, hot stuff, let’s get ready for work.”

W E DROVE to work in one car, walked in together, put our

stuff in her office, walked into a room full of our colleagues,
and the world didn’t catch on fire. No one said anything, no
one batted an eye. My earlier worry seemed ridiculous at
best. We were both single, we weren’t breaking any rules,
and my hang ups, were just that—mine. Kayla had been
gone for over two years, and it was no one’s business but
Mercy’s and mine anyway. I was slowly coming back to the
land of the living, and it felt good. No, it was great.
 “Keith will be here in a few minutes,” Scott said. “We
have fourteen dead teens, and the media is all over this.
Our window is closing.”
“The ME’s office is putting a rush on the tox screens,”
Bruce started. “Three juniors, five seniors from Polytech.
Three freshmen, a sophomore, and two juniors from
Parkside.”
“All of the deceased attend the same party? Anything to
tie them together?” Ellen, one of the SA’s on the case,
asked.
“No. Three different parties from what we can tell. We
also have three in ICU. Parkside freshmen. Those three
were not at a party, but they were all at a park. There was a
fourth.” Bruce stopped and looked at his notes. “Male,
sophomore. He’s the one that called it in.”
“Who’s the ME?” I asked.
“Simon Hines. He was the lead on the Kular case.”
“Does he have an opinion, one way or another, whether
the fourteen are connected?”
“He believes so, but needs the toxicology reports back
before he’s willing to swear by it.”
“Dammit!” Scott shoved back from the table. “These
damn kids don’t understand the danger they’re putting
themselves in. They take whatever shit someone hands
them and think they’re invincible. And we’re always two
goddamn steps behind. We shut one person down, and ten
more pop up.”
Keith and Emma entered the conference room, cutting
Scott off from saying anything else.
“I don’t have to be here,” the girl argued. She looked
like hell. Mascara smudged around her eyes, her clothes
way too skimpy for a teenager, even one who was now a
legal adult. “I told you I want to go home.”
“Sit down, Emma,” Mercy snapped.
The girl’s racoon eyes swung to Mercy, and she
narrowed them. Wrong thing to do. “I don’t have to be
here. He kidnapped me. I said I wanted to go home. I’m
gonna call my parents.”
“There’s not a damn thing your parents can do for you.
Now sit down and start talking.” Mercy was pissed. “Will
someone please get Emma a windbreaker to put on?”
So, I wasn’t the only one that noticed her top looked two
sizes too small. Keith stood off to the side with his jaw
clenched. He looked like he’d had enough of Emma’s
whining.
“Why don’t you start, Keith.” Bruce motioned for the
undercover narc to start.
Keith walked to the whiteboard and started jotting down
names and locations. “So last night started at a girl named
Jessica Landon’s house.” Keith pointed to her name and
address. “We showed up at ten p.m. Emma, here, ditched
me fifteen minutes later. While I was wandering around the
house wondering where the parents thought their kids
were, I heard about a group going to meet with the
professor to score. Thirty minutes later, I still couldn’t find
Emma, I passed a group of kids coming in the door as I left
to go search for Emma at one of the other parties.” He
pointed to the other two addresses he’d written. “I called in
the location of the parties and went to the old abandoned
drive-in. I find this one here.” He stopped again and leveled
Emma with a cold hard look. “Around four a.m., hooking up
with Pete Sampson, who graduated from Polytech three
years ago. Puts him at twenty-one.”
“What? Why do you care? I don’t see what the big deal
is. I broke up with you. You wouldn’t even kiss me, you
prude. I want to call my parents.”
“Yeah, sweetheart, because he’s a cop,” Mercy informed
her.
“You’re a cop? How are you a cop, you go to my school?”
Emma seemed to be more concerned that Keith was a cop
than some of her friends were dead.
 “Yeah, she’s not the brightest. She’ll be lucky to
graduate with a D average.” Keith shook his head.
“Who’s the professor?” Mercy asked Emma.
“How should I know.”
Mercy’s gaze swung to Keith, he nodded his
encouragement and sat down. The poor kid looked
exhausted and I guess he was, he’d been driving around
half the night chasing after some high school girl. I
remembered Mercy’s earlier comment about duct tape and
choked back a laugh. I don’t know how Keith had kept his
cool for as long as he had. Better him than me.
 16

E llen finally came back into the room with a blue,

extra-large DEA windbreaker and handed it to
Emma.
“What’s this for?”
Maybe I was fast losing patience because I’d been pulled
out of bed bright and early on a Saturday morning. Or
because I’d planned on staying in bed all day with Jason. Or
maybe because I really didn’t want to be at work after our
shower where we’d exchanged I love yous. All of those,
plus the fact I’d only had one cup of coffee were all very
valid points. However, my tolerance for bullshit was at an
all time low because fourteen more kids were dead, and
three more might die before the day was done, and this
little twit was clueless.
“It’s for you to wear. You’re in a room full of grown men
and your state of undress is making them uncomfortable,
and, frankly, it’s appalling you’d degrade yourself by
wearing so little. So, cover up.”
“It’s not my fault—”
“Put the damn jacket on. Now!”
I wanted to get her some baby wipes to clean all the
makeup off her face, but that would have to wait.
 “Am I under arrest?” she asked, pushing her wrist
through the arm hole of the overly large jacket.
“Should you be?”
“No. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Start by telling us about the party at Jessica’s house.”
“What about it? It was boring. She’s only a sophomore
and she’s super uptight.” Emma shrugged her shoulders
then nodded toward Keith. “He was being an ass, telling me
he didn’t like how I was dressed. So, when we got to Jess’s
and Pete texted me he wanted to hook up, I left.”
“And what, Pete picked you up and you went straight to
the drive-in?”
“No. We drove around.”
Christ. Trying to get this girl to talk was like drawing
blood from a turnip.
“You do know that some of your friends are dead, right?
This is serious. We need to know where you went and what
you saw.”
Emma’s head fell forward, and I thought we were
possibly getting somewhere. “I told them after that girl
from Parkside got a bad batch it was time to stop. But no
one could score anymore benzos or Vicodin so they kept
going back.”
“Who was dealing the benzos and Vicodin at Polytech?”
“No one really deals it. If someone can get their hands
on a script, they sell it. You know someone is always having
dental work done, or they pull a muscle at practice. It’s not
hard. Hell, most of the soccer team fakes hurt knees or
ankles and they go to the doctor. Next weekend there’s a
party.” Emma shrugged her shoulders like it was no big
deal.
Unbelievable. Complete and total lack of concern. She
didn’t even bat an eye that her classmates were dead or
that what she’d told me was a felony, to her it was nothing.
Another day, another party, another night getting high.
“You know how dangerous that is, right?”
 “No, it’s not. It’s not like the other stuff. You get the pills
from a real doctor.”
I didn’t have time to explain to this girl all the reasons
why it was, indeed, dangerous.
“You mean the stuff you get from the professor. The
GHL.”
“The what?”
“The stuff you put in my drink?” Keith told her.
Surprisingly, the stupid girl didn’t flinch. “You mean the
Gina? I didn’t put a lot in there. It’s supposed to make you
want to have sex—and you wouldn’t touch me.”
“So, you were going to—” I put my hand up, stopping
Keith from finishing.
“Where do we find the professor?” I continued.
“I don’t know.”
“Who did you get the Gina from?”
Either Emma was dumber than a sack of rocks or she
was playing the part. I wasn’t sure which.
“A girl from Parkside.” I motioned for more information.
Emma huffed and continued, “Lizzie. You text her, and she
meets you.”
“Text her and tell her you want to meet.”
“She’s only open on Fridays.”
Open on Fridays? What the hell, was she a fucking
convenience store?
“How you wanna play this, Bruce?” I asked. Still not
sure if the girl was telling the truth.
“You don’t happen to know Lizzie’s last name, do you?”
he asked.
“What do I look like, a phone book?” Emma smart assed,
crossing her arms over her chest. “I want to go home.”
Keith was eying her like he was ready to strangle her,
Jason excused himself from the room, Bruce, Ellen, and
Scott ignored her and started talking strategy. I wasn’t
paying much attention to the plan they were coming up
with. I was too busy studying Emma. She would’ve been a
pretty girl if she didn’t try so hard. As pissed as I was at
her attitude, I couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for her.
Why did she feel the need to use sex to get attention? What
had happened to this teen’s self-esteem that she thought
sex and drugs were her best options?
She hadn’t asked about the kids who’d died, and she
didn’t ask about the kids in the hospital. Her lack of
empathy and compassion annoyed the shit out of me. Was
she so self-absorbed she didn’t care, or was it all a front?
Was she trying to act tough because that was part of her
game? Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to figure her out,
there were kids dying, and if we didn’t want more kids to
die, we needed to find this professor.
Jason walked back into the room, completely ignoring
the pouting teenager, and went straight to Bruce. “I talked
to Delaney, she doesn’t know anyone named Lizzie, but she
still had the after-school science club roster and there is a
Lizbeth Cole in the club. They meet every other week after
school on a Friday.”
“Can you buy GHL every Friday from Lizzie or just twice
a month?” Bruce asked.
“Every Friday.”
“Still worth looking into,” Scott announced.
“This is what’s going to happen,” Bruce started, pinning
Emma in place. “You’re gonna go home and keep your
mouth shut about everything that went on here today.
Monday morning you’re going to school and you’ll continue
to keep your mouth shut. You’re also going to stick close to
Keith, your wonderful, non-sexual boyfriend. You’re going
to text this Lizzie girl and tell her you want to make a buy.
Tell her you need a lot because a few of your friends want
some, too, but you’re gonna pick it for them. Then, Friday,
you and Keith are going to meet with Lizzie and pick it up.”
“I’m not a rat. I’m not doing it.”
“Then you’ll be arrested and booked.”
“For what? I haven’t done anything,” she argued.
 “Possession of an illicit substance, assault and battery
on a police officer, attempted sexual assault, attempted
murder—”
“I didn’t try to kill anyone!”
“What the hell do you think you were doing when you
put GHL in Officer Michaels’s drink?” I asked. “You also
mixed Viagra with it. You could’ve killed him. You have no
idea what medication he’s taking, what his health history
is. Wake the fuck up, little girl. You and your friends are
playing a dangerous game. And, so we’re clear, you will be
charged as an adult. You’re looking at jail time and lots of
it.” I’d tried my best to keep my cool, but Emma wasn’t
getting it. “People are dying. Your friends. And you’re
sitting here acting like we’re inconveniencing you this
morning.”
“Fine,” she huffed. Un-fucking-believable. “But no one is
going to believe he’s my boyfriend.” She pointed to Keith.
“Well, it’s your job to convince them.”
“Fine. Whatever. Just take me home. I’m tired.”
“I bet you are,” Keith mumbled under his breath.
“Hang in there, this is almost over,” Bruce told him.
“I deserve a goddamn medal for this. You have no idea
how . . . challenging this has been.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. I turned to
Jason and lifted a brow. “Think he wishes he had duct
tape?”
With a shake of his head and a chuckle he agreed.
Keith waited for Emma to stand, and when she tried to
take off the windbreaker to give it back, he told her to keep
it on and mumbled something about being uncomfortable
being around her when she was dressed the way she was. I
didn’t blame him, the girl had on less clothes than I wear to
the beach. Her boobs nearly popped out of her top and her
skirt was extremely short. As they left the room, I couldn’t
help but wonder if she was one of those kids that took a
change of clothes when they left the house. I’d bet she left
in an outfit her parents deemed appropriate and changed
later. Her clothes were that bad.
After another hour talking about the case and planning
for next week, the tox report came in, just as we were
leaving. Bruce scanned the reports and confirmed the
recipe used to make the GHL was the same that killed
Nessa and the fourteen new victims. The local PD was
going to have their work cut out for them contending with
the media coverage. I just hoped to God whoever this
Professor was didn’t get scared and close up shop before
Friday. We needed the buy to go down. One more week and
this would be over.
“You ready?” Jason stopped next to me once the meeting
was over.
“Yes. I’m starving.”
“Me, too.” Suddenly, my empty stomach wasn’t a
priority. Not when Jason was looking at me with his panty-
melting, blue eyes. I hated to cook, but if he’d take me
home now, I’d make him the biggest damn breakfast he’d
ever seen, after we were done giving each other screaming
orgasms. “Come on, pretty girl, I know a great little mom
and pop place that makes the best pancakes. But if you tell
my mom I said that, I’ll deny it.”
Whoa. Tell his mom?
We said our goodbyes and left together. The walk out
was less tense than the walk in had been. When we’d first
gotten to the office his head had been on a swivel, checking
to see who was watching us. No one cared. I knew there’d
be talk after we left, but that was normal office gossip. This
morning when I told Bruce he didn’t need to call Jason, I’d
done it on purpose. Two birds, one stone. I’d let the
insinuation hang because if Bruce was indeed asking me on
a date, which I thought was unlikely, he’d get the point I
wasn’t interested without things getting awkward. I also
thought it was best to rip the Band-Aid off quickly with
Jason. I knew he’d want to hide. I didn’t hide. Never have,
never will. Even if this was short-lived, I wouldn’t be
anyone’s secret. Thankfully, he’d handled it better than I’d
thought he would.
The drive to the diner was quick, and he told me about
his conversation with his sister. She was extremely upset
about the students who’d overdosed. She also told him
she’d poke around, once again he asked her not to, now
more than ever, she had to stay clear. The last thing we
needed was the case blown because she was snooping
around. She’d agreed, but Jason wasn’t confident she’d
listen.
The hostess seated us, and a very attractive server came
to the table straight away, smiling at Jason. I might as well
have been invisible. The strange thing was he was
oblivious. Her blatant flirting didn’t bother me, what did
was how unaware he was. It hurt my heart to think about
him going through life with blinders on. How much had he
really missed?
“Does that happen often?” I asked when the waitress left
with our orders.
“What?”
“Seriously? She was totally flirting with you.”
“Who? Maggie? No way. She waits on me every time I
come in here.”
“Right. And why do you think that is? She’s totally got
the hots for you.”
He was quiet for a long time. His gaze was on me, but
he’d completely zoned out. It was fascinating to watch as
the emotions played across his face until realization
dawned.
“I honestly never noticed before. I’m sorry. I’ve never
been interested in her.”
“I didn’t think you were. You’re a good looking man,
Jason. I’m sure women hit on you all the time.”
“They don’t.” His face twisted into a grimace. “Or maybe
they do, and I’ve been in my head for so long I never paid
attention.”
The waitress set our coffee on the table, and Jason
fidgeted, not looking up. I said thank you for both of us, and
when she left, he mumbled, “Great. Now I feel like an
idiot.”
With a shake of his head he brought his eyes back to
mine and suddenly he looked serious. “I have a question for
you. And if your answer is no, I completely understand. I
know it’s really soon and fast, so if you don’t want to, just
tell me and—”
“Just ask.”
“Tomorrow is Sunday dinner. I know you heard Delaney
talk about it, and the other day when I talked to my dad, he
mentioned it again. Would you go with me?”
“To dinner at your mom and dad’s?”
“Yeah. And my, um, sisters will all be there, too.”
“You sure you’re ready for that?”
I should’ve been the one freaking out about meeting his
family but I was more worried about him and his state of
mind. Delaney had told me Jason had dipped out on most
Sunday dinners for the last two years. And over the last
year he’d pulled away from everyone in the family. This was
a total one-eighty.
“I am. I want you there.”
“Why?”
He looked shocked by my question. “What do you mean,
why?”
“Why now?”
“Because I’m ready to start living. And now that I’ve
been able to take a full breath of air and really breathe
again, I don’t want to wait.”
“Okay, Jason. I’d love to go.”
His hands moved across the table, and he took both of
mine in his. “Thank you.”
I wasn’t sure what he was thanking me for, but it felt
nice. Now, if I could keep myself from freaking out, I’d be
A-Okay.
 17

A fter a mellow morning with Mercy, I left her house

to go to mine. There were a few things I needed to
take care of before we headed to dinner tonight at
my parents’. Walking into my house felt odd. I was used to
the emptiness, I felt that every time I entered, but today it
was different. No part of the dwelling felt like me, it hadn’t
taken but an hour for my skin to crawl, and the walls to
close in. I didn’t belong here, I belonged in Mercy’s space.
I’d spent the worst of my days in this house, heartbroken,
lonely, and slowly falling apart. And that was all before
Kayla had died. After Kayla, the guilt over how I’d felt when
she was alive had shaken me to my core. If I’d thought I’d
felt loneliness and regret while she’d been alive, it was
nothing compared to the depth of my despair once she was
gone.
All the years we’d spent together, the happy times, the
not so happy ones, me failing our relationship, not being
able to save her, not talking her into treatment a second
time. All of it. Everything swirled together into a perfect
storm that tore through my life like a hurricane. Complete
with lightning that stopped my heart and thunder that
made my ears roar and my mind noisy. I couldn’t think in
this house. But I’d stayed, ignoring everyone telling me I
needed to sell it and move. All because I’d wanted to
punish myself. I didn’t deserve to find happiness when
Kayla couldn’t.
I angrily swiped a sweater from a stack in my closet and
saw an old shoe box that had belonged to Kayla. Over the
first year after Kayla had passed, I’d gone through her
things. Some I gave to her parents, some I donated, and
some I’d thrown away. I think of all the items I’d gone
through, throwing her toothbrush, makeup, and hair stuff
away was the hardest. The day I took her shampoo and
conditioner out of the shower I’d melted down. Why was I
still alive and given a second chance when Kayla wasn’t?
That may’ve been the day I’d convinced myself I deserved
to suffer, living alone in the house we’d shared. Death had a
funny way of fucking with your head.
I grabbed the box and carried it to the bed, opened it,
and dumped the contents out. What was left of our lives
spilled onto the comforter. Years now fit into one tiny box.
The ticket stub from the first movie I’d taken her to, a key
ring I’d bought her, the promise necklace I’d given her, and
other miscellaneous stuff that, at one time meant
something, now mocked me. This was it. An old cell phone
and some keepsakes were all I had left. And her wedding
rings. Two bands. One I’d slipped on her finger when I
asked her to marry me, the other when I promised her a life
full of happiness and joy.
For years I’d pondered where I’d gone wrong. At what
point had I failed? We were happy in the beginning. We had
our whole life planned out, until she got cancer. Six fucking
letters that ruined everything. But we’d beaten it together.
We’d fought. We’d been strong. A united front as Kayla had
battled for her life, and we’d won. We’d grown closer than
ever. But any intimacy we’d once had was gone. It was like
during that time of extreme trauma we’d become the
closest of friends, but the passion and her love for me as
her husband had drained away.
 The day she told me she thought we should divorce was
forever seared into my memory. There was no fight. No
argument. It was a conversation between two friends
agreeing to dissolve a loveless marriage. Neither of us
were upset about it. We still had dinner together that night.
We still went to sleep in the same bed. The next morning
we had coffee together, even joked that the hardest part
about separating was going to be not seeing each other
every day. Who does that? What two people who had been
married for seven years can just mutually decide to divorce
and it be okay? There were no tears on either of our parts.
No second-guessing. We both knew it was going to shock
our families more than anything because there had never
been any outward problems.
The papers were drawn up, and she’d signed them.
Then, during a checkup, she’d been told the cancer had
returned. She’d still wanted the divorce, but I’d refused to
give her one until she got better. I’d been ready to support
my best friend again. I knew the toll it had taken the first
time around and I wouldn’t let her go through it alone. That
was when we’d argued. When the tears had streamed down
her cheeks. She wanted me to be free. She wanted me to
leave her and go find happiness. The argument wasn’t
pretty. I fought dirty, refusing to give her what she wanted.
She relented but made it known she wasn’t happy. It didn’t
matter to me, there was no way I was leaving my friend to
go through cancer a second time without me by her side.
Thick and thin, that’s what we’d promised, and, if nothing
else, even if I couldn’t love her like a husband should love
his wife. She’d been my friend, and I’d stayed.
Standing there in my bedroom I was pondering where
I’d gone wrong for a very different reason. I didn’t want to
repeat the same mistakes with Mercy. Wasn’t that a kick in
the ass? Trying to puzzle out my relationship with Kayla so
I wouldn’t lose the woman I loved. I hadn’t meant to fall in
love. I hadn’t meant to fall into her bed, or her arms, or her
heart. I’d wanted to live out the rest of my days in misery
but, instead, I found Mercy. She’d pulled me in and short
circuited my brain. There was nothing I could’ve done to
stop my heart from beating again. My lungs had filled with
air, and she’d made me breathe, truly breathe.
If Kayla hadn’t died, would she have already found
someone to love who’d love her back? Would she be happy
for me? Had she really meant what she told me as she died
in my arms? Did she want me to move on and be happy? I’d
asked myself a thousand times why she’d been taken. Why
her? She was so young and full of life. Even if it was in a
shy, quiet kind of way. She was so sweet and
compassionate. Soft and gentle. Too good to die. Too young
to be taken. Even if she was leaving me, she still had time
to find true love. She should’ve had time. Fuck! I hated
cancer.
Putting everything back in the box, which would sit on a
shelf, never providing me with the answers I wanted. But I
couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it.
I had to get the hell out of this house. Maybe it was time
I sold it. I didn’t need all this space. Hell, I hadn’t needed it
when Kayla was alive. We’d known we’d never have kids.
Something I hated myself for struggling with. I wanted
kids, but, after chemo and radiation, Kayla could no longer
conceive. It took me longer than it should’ve to come to
terms with not having children.
I changed my clothes, headed out to my car, and pulled
away from the house that was nothing more than a bad
memory. I needed to get back to Mercy. I needed to see her.
This need deep in my chest had nothing to do with the
physical and everything to do with her presence. Just being
around her made everything better.
I turned off the ignition, pulled my keys free, and stared
at the dangling pieces of metal. Before I’d left, Mercy had
slipped her house key on the ring. My heart had pounded
then and was now when I thought about the nonchalance of
the action. She hadn’t made a big deal out of it, simply slid
the key on the ring and told me to use it. My mind spun at
the meaning. She gave me a key and I was taking her to
meet my family. It was too fast, but I couldn’t get myself to
care. I was living, breathing, and nothing was going to
make me slow down. I wanted Mercy and I could no longer
find a reason why I shouldn’t have her. All of her.
 18

“W henever you want to leave, we’ll go,” Jason

offered from the driver’s seat.
He was nervous enough for both of us.
The closer we got, the faster his thumb drummed on the
steering wheel. I was trying not to take it personally. It
wasn’t bringing me home that had him on edge. It was the
evening in general. Him bringing someone new home,
seeing his parents and his sisters after he’d put so much
distance between them. He had to fix it.
In between the most incredible bouts of the best sex I’d
ever had, Jason had told me stories about growing up. He
was close to his entire family. Or he had been, before Kayla
died. I knew Jasper Walker was not his biological dad, but
had adopted him when his mom, Emily, married Jasper.
There was a story there, and he said he’d share it later.
When we talked about his family his face lit up. He missed
them. And not just his immediate family, but all of the men
he’d grown up with as honorary uncles and their families.
There were a lot of them, and I’d had to ask him to repeat
some of the names. I’d known that Delaney and Carter
Lenox had some distant crazy love affair going on, but I
hadn’t known Carter had a younger brother, Ethan, who
had a daughter. The child was conceived when he was
sixteen and still in high school. I was impressed when Jason
told me how Ethan had refused to give Carson up for
adoption and had raised her alone. He got married not too
long ago to a woman named Honor. From the story Jason
told, she was perfect for both father and daughter.
He’d also told me about some of the barbeques they’d
had over the years. There were eighteen of them who’d
grown up together, not including Nick Clark’s wife,
Meadow, or Honor and Carson. That was a lot of people. A
lot of family. I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like
growing up surrounded by so much love. And they did love
each other. Anytime there was a problem, the family rallied
as a whole to fix it. Until Jason needed them and he’d
pushed them away. On one hand I understood, on the other
I was annoyed. I would’ve given anything to have family
around after PJ had died. And especially after my dad had.
But I’d had no one. Well, I’d had Tuesday, she’d been there
for me. But no family, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no
siblings to pull together and overcome the tragedy
together. Nope. It was me, myself, and I.
“Jason, I’ll be fine. Will you be?”
“My parents are going to love you. My sisters are going
to talk your ear off.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
“I’m afraid to see the hurt in my mom’s face.”
I’d never asked how close Emily and Kayla had been. I’d
assumed close, but I never imagined she’s be hurt by
seeing Jason with me. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
“Because of me?”
“Hell, no. Because of me. I’ve hurt her. I pulled her
family apart.”
“Then fix it.”
“Easier said than done.”
“No, it’s not. She loves you. By the stories you’ve told
me they all do. They’re hurting because you are. All she
wants is for you to reach out and talk to her.”
 “I can’t. She’s upset now, but if I told her all the fucked-
up shit going through my head, she’d be devastated. That’s
why I pulled away. I didn’t want my misery bleeding into
their lives.”
He pulled up to the curb in front of a beautiful home and
cut the engine.
“It bled into their lives whether you wanted it to or not.
We’ll leave when you need to leave. Don’t worry about me.
I promise I’ll be fine.”
I hoped that was the truth. I’d never done the meet-the-
parents thing. How bad could it be? Have dinner with a
group of strangers and hope they liked me. I’d just keep my
mouth shut so I didn’t blurt out whatever came to mind.
Should be a piece of cake. Not. I was a little nervous, a lot
more than I was letting on. If Jason’s family didn’t like me, I
had a feeling they’d have no problem telling him, then we’d
be done. I didn’t want to lose what we’d started.
“Thanks.” He tagged me around the back of my neck
and pulled me over the center console, meeting me
halfway. “I hope you know how much you mean to me. How
you just sitting next to me makes everything better, easier.
My lungs fill with air and my heart beats. There’s
something about you that calls to every part of me. I want
this, Mercy, what we’ve started, how I feel when I’m with
you. I love going to sleep next to you and waking up with
you wrapped around me. I’m in so deep I’m scared shitless.
I need to know you’re with me. That you want this just as
badly as I do.”
Oh my gawd, he was killing me. How could he say all of
that to me in front of his parents’ house seconds before I
was going in to meet them for the first time? Now all I was
thinking about was going home and throwing myself at him
and showing him how much his words meant to me. But
that couldn’t happen, not yet.
“I’m with you, Jason.” His hand flexed on my neck, and I
continued, “I want this, too, more than anything I’ve ever
wanted in my whole life. I’m not going anywhere.”
His lips touched mine, but instead of deepening the kiss,
he placed gentle kisses over my cheek stopping at my ear.
“I love you, Mercy James, so damn much.”
“I love you, Jason Walker,” I whispered back. “Now take
me in the house before we have a teenage-style make-out
session in your car in front of the house you grew up in.”
“That’d be a first. Never made out in my car at my curb
before.”
“Never?” I scrunched my nose, not believing him. Every
teenager had participated in a good old steam-up-the-
windows drop-off.
“Never in front of my own house.” He chuckled.
I pushed him back and couldn’t stop myself from
returning his smile. “But you did in front of your dates’
houses?”
“No. I was too afraid of getting caught by an angry dad.
All goodnight kissing took place down the block from their
houses.”
“Smart.”
“I was a smart kid.”
We sat staring at each other for a long time. So long, I
was seriously considering ditching dinner and taking him
home.
“With those blue eyes of yours, I bet you were a
heartbreaker.”
“They helped.” He smiled.
“I’ll bet. All you had to do was bat those pretty long
lashes, and the girls were more than eager to jump in a car
with you.”
“I’m more interested to know if they work on you.”
“You know they do.”
There was a loud knock on Jason’s window, and he
closed his eyes before he sighed. “Which one is it?”
“How should I know.” I laughed. “It’s not Delaney.”
 Jason looked over his shoulder at one of his sisters,
breaking our moment. “Quinn,” he announced.
He opened his door, and I followed suit, giving myself a
mini pep talk. Everything will be fine. Everything will be
fine.
“Mercy, this is Quinn,” he introduced us when the two of
them met me on the sidewalk.
“Hi, Quinn.” Jason walked to my side and grabbed my
hand, ready to walk us to the front door. “Nice to meet
you.”
The girl was staring at us, her mouth opening and
closing like a fish gulping for air on land. Great, one sister
already speechless, and I hadn’t said more than hello.
“Delaney said you were pretty, but, wow, you’re
gorgeous.” She winked at Jason. “Good going, bro.”
Jason was stunned. Quinn was smiling like a loon, and I
decided I really liked her. She and I were cut from the same
filterless cloth.
“You know Hadley and Adalynn were spying from the
front window, right?” She laughed. “You’re totally busted.”
“Clocked them as soon as we pulled up,” he informed
her.
“What?”
“The twins are nosey. They’d sit by the window and wait
for Delaney to get home from a date, so they could tattle
and tell Mom and Dad what they saw.”
“Oh. Well, we weren’t doing anything.”
“Right. That’s why the windows were damn near fogged
up.”
“Quinn,” Jason admonished. “Don’t embarrass Mercy.”
Her brows knitted together in concern. “Am I
embarrassing you?”
“Hell, no. Takes more than pointing out steamed up
windows because I was making out with your brother to
embarrass me.” I heard a deep, male chuckle that was not
Jason’s and now I was embarrassed. “Please tell me that’s
not your dad and he didn’t just hear that.”
Quinn’s sweet laughter filled the night, and Jason’s
joined hers.
“I love her,” Quinn declared. “Hi, Daddy.”
Quinn’s eyes went over my shoulder, and I wanted to
crawl under a rock and hide. Big fucking mouth already
getting me in trouble, and we haven’t even made it into the
house yet.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Nothing to be sorry for.” He kissed the top of my head
and turned us around.
Holy smokes. Even in the fading light I could see how
good looking Jason’s dad was. If he hadn’t told me that
Jasper was not the man who’d contributed DNA, I’d never
have ever known. They looked so similar.
“Dad, this is Mercy James. Mercy, this is my dad,
Jasper.”
His dad stood a foot from us, eyes glued on our
intertwined fingers. I tried to pull our hands apart, but
Jason held fast. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity,
Jasper’s gaze came to mine, and he cleared his throat.
“Pleasure to meet you, Mercy.”
“You, too, Mr. Walker.”
“Just Jasper. We better get you in the house, my girls are
in there itching to meet you.”
Oh, boy. The moment of truth was upon us. Please don’t
say anything lame. Jason followed his dad, pulling me
behind him. My boots suddenly felt like they were made of
cement, with each step they became heavier and heavier.
Of course, Jason would notice. As we stepped over the
threshold into his childhood home with his mom and sisters
waiting, he leaned down and whispered, “Just breathe.”
 19

“Y ou worry too much,” Hadley said, coming up

beside me.
“What?”
“You’re watching over her like Mom’s gonna say
something to offend her.”
My sister had it all wrong. I wasn’t watching my mom
and Mercy because I was worried, I was staring at them
because I was amazed at the ease with which Mercy had
clicked into place. After the introductions had been made
and the small talk had ensued, Mercy had asked if she
could help my mom in the kitchen. She sweetly admitted
she couldn’t cook but was good at cleaning. My mom
welcomed her, and Mercy followed her with a single
backward glance and a smile.
“I’m not worried, squeak.” Hadley smiled at the use of
her old nickname.
“Glad you’re home, big brother.”
Her words hung in the air for a moment before they
slammed into my chest. There was no missing the meaning
of them. Was I finally home? Could the healing and
mending begin? I sure hoped so. I’d missed this, missed
seeing my family once a week, missed the connection.
“Sorry I’ve been such an ass.”
 “Forgiven.” She smiled. “But don’t think Adalynn is
going to forgive you so quick. You’ve missed a whole lotta
Jake drama.”
“Who?”
Hadley’s smile faded, and her lips pulled in. What the
hell had I missed? And who the fuck was Jake? I didn’t
know any Jake.
“Yeah. That right there is why Lynn’s gonna be a little
pissed at you.”
“Who’s Jake? Did he hurt her?” I hadn’t meant to growl
but the thought of someone putting their hands on my
sister and hurting her made me positively murderous.
“God. Now you sound like Dad. Dial it back. Jake was
her . . . a boyfriend. He dumped her and broke her heart.”
“Where is he now?”
I wanted to find this Jake kid and teach him a lesson
about breaking hearts, especially my sister’s.
“Afghanistan, I think, or maybe it’s Turkey now. She
won’t talk about it.”
“He’s in the military?”
“Yeah. The Army.”
“Shit.”
“That about covers it. Everything was fine until he had
to deploy. He broke it off and left.”
“What do you mean broke it off?”
“Just dumped her. Told her to lose his number and move
on.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Huh? Really? You’ve been a little unavailable lately. And
she did call you once to talk about it, and you blew her off.”
“Fuck.”
I needed some air, needed to think and clear my head. I
knew I’d been a dick but I hadn’t realized how big of one.
I’d turned my back on my baby sister. Being ten years older
than the twins should’ve made it hard to connect to them,
but it never was. Often times, they’d come to me for advice
before talking to our parents. They’d all crashed at my
house on weekends from time to time for some brother-
sisters bonding time. I loved when they were around. And
I’d turned my back on them. On everyone.
“What’s up, Bud?”
I should’ve known my dad would follow me outside.
There was a reason my sisters had come to me, because we
couldn’t hide anything from Dad. Nothing slipped by him.
He always knew what was going on in their lives, but had
trusted me to guide them, the same way he had me. And I’d
fucked it up. Let him down.
“I fucked everything up.”
“Not everything.”
That was something else about my dad, he was a
straight shooter and didn’t mince words. When one of us
screwed up, he told us.
“Feels that way. I let you and Mom down. I let Lynn
down.”
“Yeah, your sister was pretty bummed. That Jake kid
fucked her over pretty good. Not that I didn’t understand
why he did what he did. Kinda like I know why Carter’s
taken his sweet ass time claiming Delaney.”
“Shit.” I shouldn’t have been surprised, yet there I was
with my mouth hanging open.
“What? You don’t think all of us haven’t seen him
dancing around her since she was too young for him to be
looking?”
“Well, no. I figured anyone who paid attention would see
that.”
“Right. So then you understand the only reason I haven’t
kicked his ass is because I know he thinks he’s doing the
right thing by her. Even if, as he’s doing it, it’s killing her.
You know the hardest part of being a parent?”
I shook my head no. I hadn’t thought of what it would be
like to be a parent. Not in any real way, I’d given up on the
possibility of kids a long time ago.
 “Watching them hurt and not being able to take the
pain. Whether it was Lynn crying over some Army private
who’d dumped her because he was leaving on deployment
and he wanted her to experience college life. Or Delaney
being in love with a man who has a protective streak a mile
wide, and Lenox blood coursing through his veins. Which
means, he’ll martyr himself for the woman he loves more
than anything so she won’t suffer the possibility of losing
him. Or your son pulling into himself because he lost his
wife. I have to stand and eat that shit. When all I want to do
is take on the pain you’re going through so you don’t feel a
moment of grief. But I can’t. You had to go through it, son.
You did, and now it’s time to start living again.”
“I’m trying. But I fucked everything up and I don’t know
how to fix it.”
“You just do.”
“Now you sound like Mercy.”
“Knew she was smart.” My dad leveled me with one of
his dad stares and didn’t allow me to look away. “Good
thing about family is when you stumble and fuck up, we’re
here to pick you back up. Lynn’s still stumbling. Delaney’s
still trying to pretend the last visit from Carter didn’t affect
her. And you’re finally back in the land of the living. It’s
good to have you home, son.”
“Mom—”
“Is Mom. Strong, tough, and as gorgeous as ever.”
“Seriously?” I chuckled. “That’s my mom!”
“I’m aware. She’s also my wife. And, son, there hasn’t
been a day that’s gone by that woman hasn’t impressed me
with the way she loves all of us. She’s been waiting for
you.” A huge smile broke out on my dad’s face, and I
braced. “It also hasn’t escaped my notice she’s as beautiful
as the day I met her. Maybe it’s too soon for me to tell you
this, but when you find the woman that means to you, what
your mother means to me, there won’t be a day you forget
it either. Your mom makes me invincible, there’s nothing I
can’t do with her by my side. She’s given me five of the
greatest kids a man can ask for. One day, son, when you’re
standing where I’m standing, looking at your children and
back on your life, I want your heart to be as full as mine. So
goddam full it overflows.”
“I want kids,” I admitted. “I always have.”
I had to close my eyes at the sting. I’d never
acknowledged it out loud. Once Kayla couldn’t conceive, it
was off the table, and no one in my family ever brought it
up.
“We know you did. We also know you were setting that
part of yourself aside for Kayla.” Shit. I hadn’t meant to
bring Kayla into this conversation. Not when Mercy was
here for the first time. “But things have changed. Your
circumstances have changed. It’s not too late for you to be
a dad. I was your age when I met your mom.”
We stood in silence. My dad was letting me get my
thoughts under control before we went back into the house.
“Thanks,” I murmured.
“You never have to thank me for being your dad. I love
you, son. And that’s why I’m going to recommend we go
back in the house now. Your sisters have been with your
woman unattended for far too long. You’ll be lucky if they
haven’t already told her the story about them making you
pee your pants when you were sixteen.”
“I’ll strangle them.”
“Payback’s a bitch, son.” My dad clapped me on the
back harder than I’d been expecting and I stumbled
forward. “Besides, it’s pretty damn funny a ten-year-old, an
eight-year-old, and two six-year-olds could tackle and tickle
their brother until he pissed himself.”
“It was a sneak attack. And what was I supposed to do?
The only way to make them stop was to hurt one of them,” I
grumbled.
“And that’s what made you the best big brother those
four girls could ever have had. You wouldn’t have dared
hurt one of them.”
My heart ached at his words. “Yet I have.”
“Fix it.”
We walked into the house, and, sure as shit, my four
sisters, my mom, and Mercy were rolling with laughter. I
should’ve been embarrassed since it was at my expense,
but, instead, I stood next to my dad and let my heart fill. I
knew I was one step closer to what my dad was talking
about. One day closer to all the beauty and love he felt
when he walked into his house and saw his wife and his
kids full of joy.
One day I’d have that.
 20

“I ’m gonna strangle my sister,” Jason mumbled,

walking into my, or should I say our, office.
“Which one?”
It was a toss up which one had annoyed him this
morning. Over the last three days since dinner at his
parents’ he’d called each of them. He’d talked to them one
by one, opening up about the last two years and why he’d
distanced himself from the family. It took a lot out of him.
He’d been emotionally wrecked after each phone call. The
last three nights had been intense.
Each night, by the time we’d had dinner, cleaned up, and
made it up to bed, he’d been ready to bury himself in me
and forget everything. I’d been more than happy to help
him forget. Never once had he made me feel used. All his
focus and energy had been on me, on what made me feel
good. He’d been bossy and rough. It’d been crazy good.
Each night he’d let himself go and gave me the gift of him.
“Delaney.”
“Oh, boy. What happened?”
“You remember after dinner on Sunday she said she was
looking into that science club more because something felt
off?” I nodded. We both had told her to leave it alone, we
had someone on it, but the woman was Walker-stubborn
and said she’d wanted to get the club records to see who
was actually going to the after-school meetings. “She said
the sign-in sheets were a bust because they’re in Mr.
Lowe’s class and she has no reason to be in there. But she
did remember that a teacher, Kimberly Akins, had a thing
for the science teacher in the beginning of the year. They
went on a date, but, after that, nothing. She also said that
Kim has changed. She can’t explain how, just that she was
quiet and reserved now. Comes in, teaches, and leaves. No
more crush on Mr. Lowe, no socializing with the other
teachers.”
“Shit. That’s not good.”
“No, it’s not. Delaney tried to talk to Kim after a
teachers’ meeting yesterday after school, but Kim shut her
down.”
“We need to pass this off to Bruce. See if he can go in
and talk to Kimberly Akins.”
“She asked if we could do it.”
The DEA didn’t conduct interviews, not like this. We
were merely partnering with the local PD on this more as a
sign of goodwill. We should’ve stepped out of the case when
the legal pharmas stopped being used. But Bruce had
asked us to stay on and our boss agreed it was good to
show the community a group effort, especially because we
were dealing with teenagers. They wanted the show of
force. However, this was in the local PD’s wheelhouse.
“If Bruce doesn’t mind, we can head down after school
lets out.”
“That’d be perfect. I caught a new case,” he told me.
“Looks like it’s coming out of Ohio making its way down
south. We’re gonna try and intercept it as the shipment
goes through Georgia.”
Oh. I hadn’t given him going back to his task force much
thought. I’d gotten used to working with him and sharing
an office. Soon he’d have to go back downstairs. That
sucked.
 “Hey.” He stepped around my desk and turned my chair
to face him. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Of course. I guess you’ll be working out of your
office again.”
“Soon. But I won’t like it.” He leaned down placing both
his hands on the arm rests of my chair and placed a chaste
kiss on my lips. “I’ve always liked my job, but this last
month I’ve loved it.”
“Me, too.” Was the only response I could mutter. Him
being so close, and smelling his cologne was scrambling my
brain.
“The good news is, I get you every night.”
“That is good news.”
My office phone rang, breaking the spell. “Duty calls,
beautiful.”
With another simple kiss on my forehead he stood up.
Damn work. I wished we were back at my place, wrapped
up in each other, in our own world where phones and jobs
didn’t intrude. But we weren’t, and I had to work.
Regretfully, I had to answer.

T HE DAY PASSED by in a flash. Both Jason and I had skipped

lunch now that new cases had come down. I’d had to call
Bruce and tell him we had roughly a week to wrap this up
or he’d only have a skeleton crew from the DEA. Jason was
being pulled in a few days, and I only had until next week.
The FBI was investigating a nursing home and insurance
fraud, they’d passed the case to the DCD because they
thought they’d stumbled onto a large number of
prescriptions being written and some of those were written
to deceased patients. We’d take on the case next week.
It had been a little weird and a whole lot sad not having
Jason in my office all afternoon, but we’d both had
briefings. He’d only come up when it was time to go to
Parkside to try and catch Kimberly before she left for the
day.
“Can I ask you something?” I turned in the passenger
seat to face Jason.
“Sure.”
I took a moment to appreciate how good looking he was.
There was something about a man driving that was sexy.
With his dress shirt sleeves rolled up, I could see the
muscles in his forearms bunching while he gripped the
steering wheel. I wondered if that’s what they looked like
when he hooked my leg in the crook of his arm and held me
in place while he was on top of me. Suddenly I wondered if
I’d be able to see them if I had a mirrored ceiling. Or would
I be too busy watching his backside as his ass flexed as he
pushed into me? Oh, God, that would be so hot. His back
and shoulders were well defined, I bet those would be—
“Mercy?” He chuckled. “You got something you want to
share?”
“No.”
“By the pretty blush on your cheeks, I think you do.”
“No. No. Nothing to share.”
“All right then. What did you want to ask?”
Oh, yeah, I had a question.
“Why are we always in my space?”
“What?” His forehead furrowed and his hands flexed on
the wheel.
“You moved up to my office when you could’ve asked me
to come down to yours. There’s more room in yours. We
always end up at my house. And you’ve never invited me to
yours.”
“Is that a problem for you?”
My first thought was no, it wasn’t, but the more I
thought about it, it became more complicated than a simple
no.
“I guess it depends on why.”
 We were almost to the school, and he was still quiet,
which worried me. I thought we’d moved past the silence
and secrets. I was formulating my next question when he
pulled into the school’s parking lot and answered.
“I never gave much thought about why I went up into
your office. Honestly, I started working in there because I
wanted to be close to you, get to know you, I wanted your
attention but I wasn’t in a place where I knew how to ask
for it. My house . . .” He parked and exhaled. “Is not a
happy place. I can’t breathe when I’m there. When I’m at
your house I’m at peace. I’m surrounded by you. Your place
feels like home, mine feels like a jail cell.”
“It doesn’t have anything to do with it being the house
you shared with Kayla?”
“It has everything to do with that.” Shit. That kinda
stung. “It’s the house I shared with her. The place where
my marriage failed. Where she and I had battled her
cancer, where we worked out our separation, where I was
happy, where I was unhappy, where she died. Why would I
want to invite you to a house where there isn’t a place that
doesn’t hold some fucked up memory.”
“But all your memories in that house aren’t bad. There
were happy times there.”
“There were. While the memories were being made, I
was happy. I lived with my best friend, we laughed and had
fun. We goofed off, my sisters came over, we were happy.”
“Then I don’t get it. Other than the obvious. Why do you
think all the memories are now bad?”
“Did you hear what I said? I lived with her as my friend.
Not as my wife. I failed—”
“Bullshit. You failed nothing. You didn’t fail her, nor did
she fail you. Sometimes things don’t work out. But you gave
her the greatest gift in the world—your friendship. Do you
know how lucky the both of you were to have that? There
are so many people that never have a true and deep
friendship like the two of you shared. Some people’s
marriages end but they were never close friends in the first
place, and things get horribly ugly. That’s not what
happened with the two of you. Your friendship weathered
the storm. You need to stop beating yourself up for things
that were not your fault. I’m not speaking ill of Kayla, but
she had a part in your marriage not working out, too. She
was the other half of the equation that you want to sweep
under the rug. I get it. I really do. But, Jason, enough.
You’ve tortured yourself long enough.”
“I’m trying.”
“Shit. I know you are. I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t apologize. One of the many things I love about
you is you don’t pull punches. Please don’t start now. I need
you to know, I’m letting go of the past. I’m moving forward.
But there are things that are going to take longer than
others to get over. Sunday when I was at the house, I was
thinking it’s time to sell it.”
“Wow. You were?”
“My parents wanted me to move out immediately. But I
couldn’t. And not for the reasons they thought. I wasn’t
holding onto a ghost. I wanted to be punished and living in
Kayla’s home was like a life sentence of guilt and self-
reprimand. I don’t want to live like that—not anymore.”
“Good.”
“Got anymore questions?” His grin told me he was
trying to be a smartass not a jerk.
“No.”
“Let’s go talk to Kimberly. When we’re done, I’ll drop
you back at the office and hit the grocery store on the way
home. Neither of us had lunch, and I’m starving.”
Home.
“Are you saying you’re cooking tonight?”
“Sweetheart, there are a million reasons why I love you.
Cooking is not one of them.”
I tried to hold back my smile but failed. “Okay.”
 I was still stuck on his home comment. Him
acknowledging the fact I was a horrible cook didn’t faze me
one bit.
 21

W e’d interviewed Kimberly Akins as gingerly as

we could. Delaney was right, something had
happened on the date she had with Derek Lowe,
but she wasn’t talking. We couldn’t press because we were
there under the pretense of talking to her about the
students who’d overdosed. Kimberly had been open and
very emotional when we talked her about the students, but
when we steered the conversation to the science club and
the students who’d been involved in the after-school
activity, she shut down and gave short answers.
When we left, Mercy had called Bruce and told him he
definitely needed to be looking into Lowe. Even the
moniker, the professor, fit with the dealer being a teacher.
After Mercy finished with Bruce, I called Delaney and told
her she was to stay away from Lowe. Completely. No more
asking around. No more looking into the club. One hundred
percent out of it. I pressed, she agreed.
It was after dinner and Mercy and I were curled up on
her couch when she said, “Tell me something about your
childhood.”
I thought back to all the family get-togethers, all the
crazy shit my cousins and I used to get into, but there was
one thing that stuck out. One event that had changed my
life and had forever cemented my relationship with my dad.
“I was kidnapped when I was six.”
“What?” She sat up and stared at me with her mouth
hanging open.
“So, you know that Jasper adopted me.” She nodded.
“My mom was in an abusive relationship with a man who
was also into criminal activity when she got pregnant with
me. Her friend, Steven, found her beaten and at rock
bottom. He packed her up and took her back to Georgia
with him. During the drive she told Steven she was
pregnant. He drove straight to the courthouse and married
her the same day.”
“Wow. Where’s Steven now?”
“He was in the Army and was killed in action when I was
a kid. I was kidnapped by a man named Liam Gains. He was
the man my mom had run from.”
“Your real—”
“There’s nothing real about that coward. Jasper’s my
real dad. And before Jasper, Steven was the man who saved
my mom and claimed me as his son. Liam was never
anything other than a woman beater and drug dealer.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t meant to snap at Mercy, but even after all these
years thinking about Liam putting his hands on my mom
and hitting her made my blood boil. There were many
factors that came into play when I decided to join the DEA;
my mom’s brother, Brian, was one, and stopping men like
Liam was another. Growing up I’d always known I wanted
to be like my dad, I wanted to protect and serve. I just
didn’t know how I wanted to do that. I’d assumed I’d join
the Army like my dad and uncles but when my cousin, Nick,
went into the FBI, I realized there were other ways I could
serve my country here at home.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off.” I pulled her back
into my arms and kissed the top of her head, stopping to
inhale the soothing scent of her hair. It always smelled
fresh and like flowers. “Anyway. When my mom left Liam,
she took something of his. When I was six, he decided he
wanted it back and took me in exchange. I was only with
Liam a couple of hours, Jasper tracked him down to an
abandoned hunting shack and came and got me.”
But in those few hours I had been scared out of my six-
year-old mind. It wasn’t that Liam had physically hurt me,
though I did see him hurt my mom when he took me from
the car. When Liam dragged me away, I saw my mom
bleeding and begging him not to take me. I wanted my
mom. I wanted Jasper.
“Where’s Liam now?”
“Dead.”
Jasper had smashed through the door of the cabin, and,
even at six, I knew he was not the same loving man that
had made my mom smile, or the same man who’d played
with me. He was an avenging warrior. He looked bigger
that day—meaner. Jasper had told me to close my eyes, but
I’d peeked. Watching Jasper slit Liam’s throat should’ve
made me more scared, but it didn’t. That was the moment I
realized there was nothing Jasper wouldn’t do for me. He
saved me. He came for me. And he killed the man who’d
taken me.
“Did . . .”
“Yes, he did.”
“Good.”
We both sat in silence, and I remembered what my dad
had told me on the phone the other day, there was nothing
I’d gone through that my parents hadn’t already
experienced. I’d thought about the parallels, and he was
right. Jasper had lost his best friend, and the child she’d
been carrying. He knew loss. He’d almost lost my mom,
too, when he couldn’t get over the guilt.
Steven had scooped up my mom and married her, simply
because she’d been his friend, not because he loved her.
They’d lived together as husband and wife, but it had been
a lie, they were only friends. Both of my parents knew what
I’d gone through, in their own way, yet I’d pushed them
away.
“Hey.” Mercy’s soft voice pulled me back to the present.
“Where’d you go?”
“Sorry. Just thinking.”
“I gathered that. Wanna share?”
“Nothing to share really. I’m just happy to be sitting
here with you. I hope you know there’s no place I’d rather
be. I want to tell you everything, all my secrets. I want you
to go back to my parents’ house with me for Sunday
dinners. I want you to meet the rest of my family at the
next get-together. I want to invite my family to our house
for a barbeque. I want you to feel like they’re your family as
much as they’re mine.”
“I’d like that, too.”
“Tell me about PJ.”
“You know how people always say so-and-so was a good
person who just made bad choices?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Well, I don’t think that was my brother. When we were
kids, he was okay, nice to me, normal. But the older he got
the less he seemed to care about those around him.
Actually, he didn’t care much about anything. By the time
he was in high school he was a self-absorbed ass. He was
the one other parents warned their kids to stay away from.
Something was just broken in him. My dad tried to help
him, but PJ never saw a problem with his “I don’t give a
fuck” attitude. Drugs were kind of a natural progression, I
guess. I knew he smoked pot, did pills, but I didn’t know
he’d gotten into the rave scene. The months leading up to
his death were bad. My dad was at a loss, he tried to get
him into rehab, but PJ would do his thirty days, get out, and
then go right back to his previous behavior. I wonder if it
was chemical dependency or if he was addicted to self-
destruction. Tuesday was there, she saw it, too. She tried to
help PJ even though he was older than us, but he shut her
down and refused to let anyone in.”
“Damn, sweetheart. That’s rough.”
“It was. I never wanted my brother to die. And I was
really angry at him for a long time, at my dad, too. But after
my dad died, I realized that holding on to all the anger
wasn’t doing me any good. Bad shit happens all the time.
They were gone, but I wasn’t. Yet I was still allowing my
brother’s behavior to affect my life. My dad’s need for
revenge cost him his life, but it was his life to give. I had to
let go and move on. There wasn’t any other viable option. I
was alone in the world and if I didn’t do it, no one was
going to do it for me.”
Mercy’s strength and determination impressed me, but
it also served as a reminder she was so much stronger than
me. I’d wallowed in self-pity for so long, I’d stopped living.
I’d gone through the daily routine of getting up and going
to work but I was empty. Hollow. Numb. I’d thought that
was the way my life was meant to be but, now, I realized I’d
been a cowardly prick.
“How’s Tuesday?” I asked, trying to move the
conversation to something less heavy.
“She’s good. Having fun in Germany. She sent me an
email yesterday. She’ll be back next week.”
“Fashion show, right?”
I remembered Mercy telling me Tuesday was going to
Italy then Germany for work. I thought she said fashion
show but it could’ve been for a photoshoot.
“Yep. I hope you’re ready to meet her.”
Why did something so simple as Mercy wanting me to
meet her friend make my heart beat faster? My vibrating
phone cut off all good thoughts when I read the text that
had come through.
DELANEY: I have a problem. Fucked up. Call me.
 Now my heart was pounding for a new reason. My sister
was in trouble. I immediately dialed her number and she
picked up on the first ring.
“Hey, Dad.”
Dad?
“Where are you?”
“Oh, no. Is she all right? Which hospital?”
“What the fuck’s going on?”
“Okay. I’m having dinner with a friend but I’ll leave now.
See you in ten minutes.”
Delaney hung up and Mercy was staring at me.
“What was that about?” she asked.
“I have no idea. Either she’s in trouble or on a bad date
and needed an excuse to leave.”
“Does she date?”
“Fuck no.”
I stood from the couch and began pacing. I’d give her
five minutes to call me back then I was calling my dad for
reinforcements. Mercy watched, not saying a word, but the
worry on her face matched mine. What the hell had
Delaney gotten herself into?
Her time was almost up when she called me back.
“Where are you?”
“In my car. I screwed up. I’m so sorry.”
“Are you safe?”
“Yeah.”
Now that I knew my sister was safe, I couldn’t hold back
my agitation. “What the fuck happened?”
“Can I come over?”
“I’m at Mercy’s . . .” I rattled off the address, and when
my sister told me she’d be over in ten minutes, we hung up.
“Well?”
“Shit, Mercy, I didn’t even think to ask if she could come
by.”
With a wave of her hand she said, “She’s welcome
anytime. Is she okay?”
 I was a damn lucky man to have a woman as good as
Mercy in my life. She didn’t care I was bringing family
drama into her home, she’d welcome my sister and
whatever issues came with her. Her only concern was if she
was okay.
God, please don’t let me screw this up.
 22

A fter Delaney had made it over, all hell broke loose.

Brother and sister had gone to war. Jason was
pissed, not that I blamed him. He’d repeatedly
asked Delaney to stay away from Derek Lowe. Yet she’d
wound up sitting across from him at dinner after he’d
caught her following him. Now we were fucked.
Apparently, Delaney had been minding her own business
at the grocery store when she saw Derek. He’d been on his
phone, and she’d overheard him saying there’d be enough
for Friday and he was going to go pick it up. Instead of
calling Jason and telling him what she’d heard, she’d
decided to follow him. Not knowing he was going to a
storage facility that was at the end of a dead-end road.
Once she’d been behind him at the gate to enter the
fenced-in building, she was stuck. When Derek had looked
in his rearview mirror and saw her, she panicked and
followed him through the gate. At least she was smart
enough to come up with a story on the fly and told him she
had a unit there, too. Then she’d had to make an excuse
that she’d left the right key at home. Stuck in a bad
situation when he asked her to dinner, she’d agreed.
Texting Jason and having him call with a made-up
emergency had been the smartest thing she’d done. Jason
had gone bananas. He’d been furious with her, and it hadn’t
mattered how many times she said she was sorry, it had
done no good. I’d felt bad for Delaney, but she’d put herself
in serious danger. We still didn’t know what happened to
Kimberly Akins, but at this point, if I had to guess, I’d say
Derek had slipped her something and then taken advantage
of her. How far Derek had gone, was up for speculation
since Kimberly wouldn’t talk. But Delaney sitting across
from the man that was smack dab in the center of a drug
ring investigation didn’t sit well. Not for me, and especially
not for Jason.
We’d called Bruce, and he was going to work on getting
a search warrant, though it was going to be difficult. All we
had was a hearsay conversation that could have meant
anything. But the detective was going to do his best and try
to push it through. It was well after two a.m. before we’d
crawled into bed, with Delaney safely tucked away in my
guest bedroom. I think she’d agreed without argument
because she was freaked out.
This morning, Bruce had phoned and told us he’d called
in every favor owed to him to get a warrant for the storage
unit and Derek’s house. Delaney had also agreed to call in
sick to work and stay at my house while the warrants were
being served. The plan was to hit the house at five a.m.
before Derek left for school. The storage unit would be hit
at the same time by a second team.
We’d geared up and were following Bruce and his guys
to Derek’s home address. The plan was simple. Surround
the house and knock on the front door. He had no
registered guns in his name, though we knew that didn’t
mean shit. Just because we’d thought the search would be
easy it didn’t mean we weren’t prepared for the worst.
Jason had been stoic and silent most of the morning. One-
word answers and even those were given miserly. Grunts
seemed to be what he preferred in his current mood.
“Two minutes out,” Bruce crackled in my earpiece.
 “Copy that,” I called back.
“You know she thought—”
“Don’t make excuses for her. We both asked, and she
promised to stay away from him.”
“I know. But—”
“No buts. She got lucky. There’s no telling what he
could’ve done to her. What if she’d taken a drink from her
soda? What if she couldn’t have left, and he’d taken her
home?”
We didn’t know if Derek had tried to slip Delaney
anything. Jason was just going down the rabbit hole of
what-ifs.
“What if, she gave us the break we needed, and we stop
a new batch of GHL from hitting the streets? What if,
because of Delaney, lives are saved? I know why you’re
mad, I am, too. But, and don’t interrupt me, she was smart
and got herself out of the shit she’d put herself in. She’s at
home, safe and sound. Don’t spend the rest of the day
playing out worst case scenarios in your head. No good will
come from it. She feels bad. She knows she was wrong.
She’s been properly chastised. You kicking the dead horse
and beating her up some more just makes you a dick, Jason.
Let it go.”
He mumbled something I’m sure would’ve pissed me off,
so I didn’t ask him to repeat it. We were both dog-ass tired
and getting ready to go into a high-risk situation. We both
needed clear heads and to be on our game.
We met the breach team on the lawn and jogged to the
door. After two pounding knocks, Bruce waited a moment
before he told his man to break in the door. Bruce peeled
off left, and, with my weapon drawn I went right with Jason
behind me. We cleared the living room and the kitchen,
finding both empty.
“Upstairs,” Jason said, taking the lead.
Two of the local guys followed us up, breaking away
once we hit the upstairs landing.
 “Got something.” Came through my earpiece.
Jason and I continued into the master bedroom. “Is that
the shower?” he asked.
“Sounds like it.”
“Shit.” I let Jason breach the bathroom door not wanting
to have to pull a naked Derek out of the shower.
“DEA, put your hands where I can see them!” Jason
yelled.
“What the fuck?” Derek returned.
“Turn the water off and step out of the shower.”
“Can I grab a towel?”
There was silence for a moment before Jason’s back
came into view, his gun still out in front of him. Both men
appeared in the bedroom and, instead of the
embarrassment I thought I’d find on Derek’s face at being
forcibly removed from the shower at gunpoint, when his
eyes landed on me a sly smirk crossed his face.
“Well, hello.”
“Shut the fuck up and put some pants on.”
And that was my cue to turn around. Normally I
wouldn’t have cared, I’d seen my fair share of perps in all
manners of undress, but I didn’t like the look on Derek’s
face.
“You don’t need to turn. I’m not shy.”
“Clothes,” Jason growled.
“We have lab equipment,” Bruce said through the comm.
“Put your hands behind your back,” Jason told Derek.
Once Derek was cuffed, I holstered my weapon and
watched Jason take him by the arm and walk him down the
stairs. I went into the room next to the master bedroom and
was shocked at the sophisticated lab Derek had. Metal
shelves lined the walls with rows of chemicals neatly
arranged. A full shelf of over the counter cough syrup and
stacked boxes of sinus medication was below that. On the
floor there were gallon jugs of different solvents. All of that
was bad, but the scales, glass beakers, Bunsen burners,
and vials rounded out his setup.
“He’s making more than GHL,” I noted.
“I’d say you’re right.”
Derek Lowe had a full-on meth lab next to his bedroom,
in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. And, to add insult
to injury, he was a teacher. A man the community had
trusted to teach and guide their children.
“Good, clean takedown today, James. Appreciate all the
help from your team,” Bruce said. “Ready to take this
asshole downtown and see if he’s ready to talk?”
“Absolutely.”
I made my way downstairs, hoping Jason would be in a
better mood now that Lowe was in custody. And the sole
reason behind the easy bust was Delaney. The sun was
barely over the horizon and we had a drug dealer off the
streets. All in all it was a great day.
 23

E ven though Derek Lowe was technically the local

drug task force’s bust there was still an outrageous
amount of paperwork that had to be filled out.
Lowe’s interrogation had been short. The second he was
behind the table in the interview room he’d lawyered up. As
a matter of fact, he’d said nothing after I’d cuffed him. Not
a single word had slipped past his foul lips. He wouldn’t
even confirm his name was Derek Lowe until he sat at the
table and said lawyer.
I’d given a lot of thought to what Mercy had said about
how tough I’d been on Delaney. She was right, I had been
hard on my sister but the thought of what Lowe could’ve
done to her made me go ballistic. And after his smug ass
was arrested it hadn’t made it any better. The guy was a
complete scumbag. His home lab was a testament to how
dangerous he really was. But because Delaney had followed
Derek, we hit pay dirt. We were able to take him at home
without incident. At the end of the day, no one had been
hurt and Lowe was off the streets.
I owed Delaney a small apology and a huge thank you. I
pulled into Mercy’s driveway happy to see Delaney’s car
still parked in the driveway. She and Mercy must still be
talking. After we’d left the office Mercy was going straight
home, and I’d gone to pick up my dry cleaning.
When I’d walked in the door I hadn’t expected to find my
mom sitting on the couch next to Mercy and Delaney. The
three of them all had wine glasses in their hands and they
were laughing. What the hell was going on?
“Hey,” I greeted them.
Mercy smiled, Delaney looked shy, and my mom was
beaming.
“Hi, son.”
“Did I miss your car outside?”
“No. Dad dropped me off. He’ll be back in a few minutes,
he went to pick up a pizza.”
Well, damn. I hoped someone had thought to ask Mercy
and they hadn’t just invited themselves over. My family had
a tiny problem with boundaries, as in, they didn’t have any.
When my parents had wanted to see me, they just showed
up. If they wanted to have dinner they came over with food
in hand and invited themselves in. Same with my sisters. A
pang in my stomach hit me hard, they hadn’t just shown up
in a long time. They’d called and asked, and when I’d said I
wasn’t up for company they’d mumble their disappointment
and leave me to my brooding. Shit. I was an asshole.
“I invited them,” Mercy spoke up. “I didn’t think you’d
mind.”
Mind?
It was her house. I was a live-in guest in her home. I
wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to her
statement, and the longer I stood there the stupider I felt.
“Come here, Mercy.”
She got up from the couch and when she was within
reaching distance, I tugged her into my arms and buried
my face in her neck. “Thank you,” I whispered.
I felt her nod, and she held me tighter. I wasn’t sure
what I was thankful for exactly but I was appreciative of
something. I was lost in my own world surrounded by
Mercy’s scent and her warmth as we embraced. I thought I
heard someone sniffle but, before I could look, there was a
knock on the front door, and I heard my dad.
“Yo. I’m back.”
I closed my eyes against the emotions threatening to
bubble up. How many times have I heard my dad enter a
room with a, “yo”? And how long had it been since I’ve
heard it? Too damn long.
“Good, you’re home,” he started. “What’s your take on
this Lowe asshole?”
He walked past us not giving us, locked in an embrace, a
second glance and set the pizza boxes down on the kitchen
table.
“I’d say he’s pretty much screwed. The reports coming
in show traces of methamphetamines and GHL in his lab.
His storage unit came up with liquid GHL already dosed
out and ready for distribution. He also had gram bags of his
homemade meth ready to sell. When I left, the narc we had
in place at Polytech had brought in two high school girls for
questioning.”
“Fucking scumbag,” my dad said under his breath.
“Who’s hungry?”
“You ready?” Mercy quietly asked.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Positive.” I kept my eyes trained on hers for any signs
she wasn’t telling the truth. “I bought this house a few
years ago. I’ve lived in it alone. No family. The only person
who’d ever been here for dinner was Tuesday. So, yes, I’m
ready. This is the first time since I’ve lived here it’s felt like
a home.”
“Damn, I love you.”
I didn’t have to look away this time to confirm I’d heard
sniffling. And I knew it’d come from my mom. When Mercy
broke away with a chaste kiss and walked to the kitchen,
my family didn’t bother trying to hide. They’d heard. They’d
watched our interaction. They also didn’t try to cover their
smiles. And in my mom’s case, tears. Damn, I’d been such
an ass.
The hours passed in a blink. We ate, the women drank
wine, Dad and I had a few beers, but mostly we laughed. It
was the best night I’d had in as long as I could remember.
When my parents were getting ready to leave, they both
pulled Mercy in for a hug. My mom held onto her for a long
time, I couldn’t hear what she said but I knew she was
telling Mercy something in a hushed voice.
Delaney moved closer to me and murmured that Mom
had been losing it all night and tearing up. I pulled my
sister in for a hug. “Sorry, sis. I may’ve overreacted.”
“You didn’t. I get it, I screwed up. After Dad gave me a
dressing down he reminded me of all the ways I could’ve
screwed up your investigation. I didn’t mean—”
“I know you didn’t. You also didn’t have all the facts. The
mere thought of someone hurting you makes me see red.”
“I love you, big bro.” Then she leaned in closer and
whispered, “All teasing aside about Mom, I’m really happy
for you. You deserve this.”
“I’m not—”
“Well, I am. I’m positive, and little sisters are always
right.”
“I missed you, sis.”
“Ditto. I’m gonna drag Mom out of here for you. You can
add it to the list of favors you owe me.”
Damn, I’d missed this closeness with my family. Missed
the dinners and laughter. True to her word, Delaney pulled
Mom out the door, leaving me alone with Mercy. She’d
never looked more beautiful than in that moment. Big smile
on her face, relaxed and happy. What was even better than
her pretty grin was that she was looking at me like she was
hungry.
“Thank you for tonight,” I told her.
“It was fun.”
“It was.”
 She stepped closer to me, her eyes raking over my body
as she moved. “You tired?”
“Not even a little bit.”
“Good.” Mercy stopped in front of me and gathered the
hem of my T-shirt in her hands and started to lift. “I need
you.”
“Here?” I looked around the living room, already
knowing where I was going to take her.
Mercy didn’t answer, instead she pulled my shirt up and
over my head. She quickly followed, yanking hers off and
tossing it next to mine. Her eyes didn’t waver, they
remained glued to mine as her pants, then panties, fell
away.
“You’re still dressed,” she noted.
“I am.”
I tugged her closer, her perfect, perky tits against my
bare chest. My mouth went to her neck, her head tilted to
the side, and she moaned. I knew every sweet spot, every
place that would make her grind into me and writhe. I
played with both of her pink tipped tits, sucking and
nipping her nipples into tiny, hard nubs. I alternated
between near-painful bites and gentle swipes of my tongue.
Both I knew drove her wild. And, tonight, I wanted wild.
“Are you wet for me?” I asked as my hand was making
its way south.
I knew the answer before she could mutter her
confirmation. I toyed with her wet folds, not giving her
what she wanted. Not yet. I wanted her begging first.
“Bend over the couch.” Mercy did as I said. “More. Rest
your cheek on the cushion. I want your ass in the air.” She
lowered herself more, and my hands roamed. Down the
silky skin of her back to her firm ass. “You have a great
ass.”
With a swat that was just enough to pull a groan from
her sweet lips, I went back to teasing her. Circling her
opening until she pushed back trying to impale herself on
my fingers. I pulled my hand away and went back to her
ass, kneading and massaging the pink mark I’d left.
“Please.”
“Please what, Mercy?” Her ass wiggled, and she pushed
back. “That’s not an answer.”
“I want you inside of me.”
“Like this?” I roughly thrusted two fingers inside her
heat and didn’t let up. “Is this what you want?”
“Oh, God. Yes.”
I continued to finger her until her hips bucked and her
inner walls started tightening. I pulled my fingers free and
went back to teasing her slit.
“Jason!”
“Hmm?”
“I’m so close. Please.”
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I want you to fuck me.”
There were the words I wanted to hear. I made quick
work of releasing my dick from the confines of my slacks
and pressed the head to her drenched pussy. In a single
thrust I was fully enveloped in her heat.
“Yes.”
I curled over her back, biting her shoulder before I
kissed away the sting. “Is this what you need?”
“Yes.”
My mouth worked her neck, up to her ear, and back
down again as I pounded into her from behind. Home.
Bliss. Love. Warmth. The feel of her wrapped around my
dick pulled every emotion from me and merged them with
the physical pleasure only her body could provide. I was
mindless in my pursuit of ecstasy. Tingling heat started at
the base of my spine, euphoria started to take over. I
needed her to go with me.
“Reach down and play with your clit.”
I unfolded and grabbed her hip with one hand and used
the other to rub her backside. I didn’t have to see to know
her fingers had found the sensitive bundle of nerves.
Mercy’s erratic movements told me she was rubbing
herself.
“I’m close,” she moaned. “So fucking close, Jason.”
I couldn’t stop the sensations from barreling forward if
I’d tried. It was too good. She was too good. Fluttering in
her pussy started, and it would only be seconds before she
exploded, and the clench of her orgasm would detonate
mine.
With two consecutive hard smacks to her ass and with a
growl I demanded, “Come for me. Now, Mercy. Right
fucking now.”
I planted as deep as I could and let go. I didn’t need to
move, Mercy bucking and her inner muscles tightening was
all it took. My head fell forward, and my release shot out of
my dick with such force I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
“Mercy!”
Never had I ever loved someone so thoroughly and
completely. Physically, mentally, with an all-consuming soul
need.
 24

A week had slid by in the blink of an eye.

I don’t think I’d ever been happier it was a
Friday. Jason’s new case had kept him busy
throughout the work week, some days he hadn’t been in
the office at all. A major deal was going down. A motorcycle
club from Ohio wanted to move product through another
MC’s territory. We had a local informant inside the club,
and he’d tipped off Jason’s task force. Negotiations were
underway and the shipment was due to pass through our
stretch of I-95 at anytime.
The FBI had punted a pharma lead to my division. After
a week digging through prescriptions written to dead
patients of the nursing home, we knew we were onto
something big.
Jason had texted me he was already home and was
cooking. Tuesday was home and finally coming over to
meet Jason. I don’t know why I was nervous. They’d spoken
on the phone several times, Tuesday was likeable, Jason
was sweet and funny; I knew they’d hit it off. But I couldn’t
shake this dread in the pit of my stomach.
Everything was going great. We were totally compatible
in every way. I was even thinking about asking him if he
wanted to move in. Which may’ve been a little fast, but I’ve
always done what I wanted, when I wanted. I lived by my
own set of rules, and neither of us cared what other people
thought of our relationship. But what had started as a
tingle this morning after Jason had left for work before me
had turned into a nag by the end of the day.
Nothing had changed, Jason was Jason, loving, kind, and
considerate. He’d brought me a cup of coffee into the
bathroom as I got ready for work. He’d smiled, kissed me,
told me he loved me, and was out the door. But there was
still this feeling. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want anything to
ruin our night with Tuesday. I’d missed my best friend and
couldn’t wait to hear all about her travels.
I made my way into the house and found Jason in the
kitchen.
“There you are.” He smiled.
He pulled me in for a kiss, which I happily returned,
muttering how much he’d missed me.
“You just saw me before you left.” I pecked his cheek
and looked around. “Wow. It smells wonderful in here.”
“I thought I’d make something easy. It’s Honor’s recipe.”
“She’s married to Ethan, right?”
“Good memory.”
“I feel like I should take notes when you tell me about
your family. Maybe once I put faces with the names it will
be easier to remember them all.” Jason stared at me with a
funny look and I tried to backtrack. “I mean, that is, if you
want me to meet them. One day, I mean. When you’re—”
“Sh.” He placed a finger on my lips. “I love that you
want to meet the rest of my family.”
He lowered his head and took my mouth in a panty-
melting kiss that made me wish Tuesday wasn’t coming
until later.
As if on cue I heard her raspy voice call out from the
front door, “Hey. I’m here.”
Jason broke the kiss, and I muttered, “Remind me to
take away her key.”
 “Wow. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Tuesday said.
I broke away from Jason and all but skipped to my
friend, pulling her into a bear hug. “I missed you.”
“No, you didn’t.” She laughed.
“I did so.”
“Um. No. You didn’t. How could you with all of that to
keep you occupied?”
Tuesday’s hand motioned to Jason, his face blushing
under my friend’s compliment. I couldn’t stop the laugh
that broke free at seeing Jason embarrassed.
“You got me there. He is pretty cute.”
Jason shifted from side to side, clearly uncomfortable.
Which only made me want to continue.
“Cute? Honey, I work with male models all day long. And
they got nothing on him.” Tuesday pointed at Jason, and his
face blossomed from pink to cherry-red.
“Yeah. He’s a keeper for sure.” Deciding to have pity on
Jason with him not knowing Tuesday and her flair for
dramatics I thought it was better to cut him a break.
“Jason, this is Tuesday Knowls, international model
extraordinaire. Tuesday, this is Jason.”
“What? I don’t get anything after my name?” Jason
joked.
“Oh, I could throw in some adjectives but I thought I’d
save those for girl talk later.”
With a groan and a shake of his head he offered Tuesday
his hand, followed by a nice to meet you. Tuesday looked at
his hand and laughed. Stepping up to him she wrapped her
arms around him and squeezed.
“Hand shakes are for strangers. Hugs are for the man
that has made my friend ridiculously happy.”
I heard Jason chuckle and as the shock of Tuesday’s
attack wore off, he hugged her back.
After they broke apart Tuesday looked around the
kitchen and her mouth dropped open. “And you cook? I
know that delicious smell from whatever is on the stove is
not coming from something Mercy made.”
“Hey. That’s . . .” I couldn’t think of anything to say
other than to point out the obvious.
“The truth,” Tuesday finished my sentence. “It is no
secret you can’t cook, friend.”
“I know. But, jeez, you don’t have to remind him.”
“Baby, I’ve told you a hundred times, there are many,
many reasons why I love you. You not knowing how to cook
doesn’t even register.”
“I think I just swooned. Please tell me you have a
brother.”
“Sorry. Four sisters.”
“Do they all look like you?”
“Yep. They are all stunning,” I answered for Jason.
“Damn. Your poor dad.”
Jason chuckled and shook his head. “Dad? What about
me? I’ve had to threaten every teenager within fifty miles
to stay away from them.”
“Ah. The overprotective type. Nice.”
“Damn right.”
Jason went to the kitchen to finish dinner, and Tuesday
eyed his ass as he walked away.
“Tuesday,” I snapped.
“What? I just wanted to make sure he looked just as
good from the backside.”
Jason barked a laugh and I shook my head. “If you’re
done ogling my man’s ass, I’ll get you something to drink.”
“I wasn’t ogling. I only ogle available men’s butts. I was
merely making sure—”
“Right.”
I knew Tuesday wouldn’t touch Jason with a ten-foot
pole. She was just being her normal, crazy self. Nothing
she said or did shocked me anymore. If there was one thing
Tuesday was, it was loyal. She’d never betray our
friendship.
 Dinner went just how I knew it would. Tuesday and
Jason hit it off. We all sat around and laughed until we
cried. Tuesday told us wild stories about her time in Italy
and Germany. Everything from wardrobe malfunctions to
prima donna, diva models walking off of the set of
photoshoots. She had us in stitches with all her tales.
By the time Tuesday left I was exhausted. I didn’t
protest when Jason walked us upstairs, stripped me naked,
put me in bed, and tucked me close to his chest. I was
asleep within minutes. I should’ve felt great after the night
we’d had. But my heart was heavy.
 25

A s much as I’d love to stay in bed with Mercy all day,

I had a surprise. She didn’t know we had plans for
the day, but we did. And if she didn’t stop grinding
her ass on me, we wouldn’t be getting out of this bed, and
we’d be late.
“Morning,” she yawned.
“Sleep well?”
“Mmm.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
I started to roll away when she caught my arm. “What’s
the hurry? It’s Saturday.”
“Come on. We have plans.”
“Plans?” she groaned. “And they involve us not being in
bed all day?”
“Yep. I’m taking you somewhere.”
“Where?”
“It’s a surprise.” Mercy turned and buried her head in
her pillow. I knifed up, pulling the covers back as I went.
Now it was my turn to groan. Creamy naked flesh greeted
my eyes. “Up you go. Before I change my mind.”
She rolled to her back, cupping her breasts as she went.
“You sure we can’t stay here?”
“You’re killing me.”
 “Oh, all right. I’ll get up. Do I have time to shower first?”
My mouth had gone dry at the sight of her. “Yep. I’ll
start the coffee.”
I grabbed the pants I’d kicked off last night and shoved
my feet through them and fled the room. She was too
tempting. We’d spent a lot of time together. Mostly locked
away in her house. I wanted to take her out on a date, do
something fun.
I waited in the kitchen for the coffee to finish brewing
and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up the last of the
dinner mess. The shower turned off, signaling it was now
safe for me to return to the bedroom.
Yes, I was that weak. I needed to wait until she was done
and dried off before I reentered. Two cups of coffee in hand
I made my way back into the room. I set my coffee down on
the nightstand and was happy to see Mercy was dressed
and had a towel around her wet hair when I entered the
bathroom.
She turned, and my eyes narrowed. What the fuck? Was
that a hypodermic needle between her teeth? She had her
shorts pulled down on one side, exposing her hip. I watched
as she cleaned the area with an alcohol square before she
took the needle from her mouth and gave herself an
injection.
“What the fuck?”
“Oh, sorry, are you squeamish around needles?” She
recapped the syringe and used the alcohol swab to rub the
injection site.
Was I squeamish around needles? Had she lost her
fucking mind? No. I was goddamn pissed my girlfriend was
injecting herself with something.
In an instant white-hot fear took over my body.
Memories flooded. All the times I’d had to give Kayla a
needle when she was going through cancer treatment.
Cleaning her ports, changing her bandages.
“Are you okay?”
 Mercy’s voice barely registered through my haze.
“Are you sick?” I finally spat out.
“I have pernicious anemia,” she answered.
“What?”
“My body lacks a protein. Intrinsic factor. It doesn’t
absorb B12 and it causes me to have a low red blood cell
count.”
I couldn’t pull my eyes from the needle now on the
vanity top. It was like a red, flashing warning light. Mercy
was sick. Low red blood cells. I knew all about low blood
counts. White. Red. Platelets. Blood transfusions. Bone
marrow. Chemo. Radiation. Been there.
“Jason?”
My gaze traveled from the offending needle to her pretty
face. She didn’t look sick. But neither had Kayla—before.
Why would Mercy do this to me? Why would the universe?
Two women. Both sick. This was my punishment. My
reminder I didn’t deserve to be happy. I was a failure.
“I can’t do this.”
“What?” Confusion marred her features.
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t formulate a coherent
sentence, not with the fucking needle mocking me. I
started to back out of the bathroom. I needed to leave.
“Don’t do this, Jason. I’m not sick. Just stop for a minute
and let me explain.”
Explain?
“I can’t, Mercy. I’m sorry. I need to leave.”
“Please.” I didn’t need to face her to hear the tears.
I grabbed the rest of my clothes off the floor and quickly
dressed. I was dizzy, and the coffee I’d barely sipped was
threatening to make a reappearance.
Fuck.
“Don’t walk out on me, Jason.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you’re sorry then stay and listen to me. You need to
breathe.”
 I didn’t need to breathe, I needed to leave. I was going
to hyperventilate at any moment. I couldn’t stop the
onslaught of emotions, the biggest one was fear. Dread
wasn’t far behind. I was almost at the front door when
Mercy’s sob tore through my heart.
“You said you loved me.” My hand froze on the
doorknob. “If you walk out that door all you’re proving is
you never loved me. You never meant anything you’ve said
to me. And once you prove yourself to be a liar, the bridge
will be burned. I’m begging you one more time to stay and
talk to me about this. All I need is five minutes, and you’ll
understand.”
“I love you, Mercy. But I can’t stay. I can’t do this again.
I’m sorry.”
I opened the door and cursed the crisp fall air as it hit
me in the face. I couldn’t remember the drive back to my
house but the next thing I knew I was walking in my front
door.
I couldn’t breathe.
I never wanted to breathe again.
“Fuck!” I roared and slammed the door. Shutting out the
world. Closing off my life to love—to Mercy.
 26

I ’d spent two days in bed.

Two days sobbing.
Two days trying to purge every feeling I had for
Jason out of my system. It hadn’t worked. Funny how
before Jason had come along, I’d never felt lonely. I could
always find some way to entertain myself, occupy my time,
be happy. But now that I knew a man like Jason existed, I
was lonely. My bed felt too big. My house too empty.
I’d ignored Tuesday’s many calls. I didn’t want to talk,
have to explain that Jason had left me over my monthly B12
injection. Why hadn’t I talked to him about it sooner?
Because it wasn’t a big deal, that’s why. There was nothing
wrong with me that a simple vitamin shot couldn’t fix. I
wasn’t dying. I wasn’t sick. If I missed a shot my symptoms
were fatigue and headaches. I didn’t even take medication,
it was a vitamin for God’s sake.
He’d left me.
I’d begged him not to, and he’d walked out the door.
I’d never dreaded going to work before, but, today, I
wanted to be anywhere but there. I was sure I looked like a
haggard mess, even after I’d spent an hour trying to cover
the dark circles under my eyes. All I wanted to do was stay
holed up in my office and not leave. Thank God, the case
we’d been working on was wrapped up and I didn’t have to
work with him. That would have killed me.
I’d come in thirty minutes early this morning so I could
rush upstairs and not run into him. I needed to snap out of
this shit. This wasn’t me. I didn’t avoid—I hit shit straight
on.
My landline rang, and I jumped. Get it together, Mercy.
“James.”
“There you are. Finally come up for a breather?”
Tuesday. I groaned not wanting to have this conversation at
work. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing . . . everything. Can I call you when I get
home?”
“Not with an answer like that you can’t. What are you
doing for lunch?”
“Working.”
“Bullshit. You’re meeting me at the deli.”
I knew what deli she was talking about. It was our go-to
eatery when we met on my lunch hour.
“Seriously. No time today. I have a—”
“Make time.”
“Tuesday—”
“We’re having lunch, final answer. If you’re not there at
noon I’ll go by your office and ask Jason where you are.”
“Don’t do that,” I seethed.
“Thought so.”
What in the world was she talking about? I was too tired
to talk around a riddle. Lunch with Tuesday was not what I
needed. She’d want to rehash every detail of my very
painful last conversation with Jason.
“I’m not sure what you think you know. But I really can’t
do lunch. Please.”
“Damn. Fine. But I’ll be over tonight with a bottle of
wine and Chinese. If you’re not there. I’ll wait all night if I
have to.”
“Chinese won’t help this time,” I breathed.
 “Didn’t think it would, sweets. Neither will the wine. But
you and me, we can get through anything.”
I had to fight back the tears when Tuesday’s whispered
words hit my broken heart. She’d been my person for so
long I didn’t know what I’d do without her. Normally she
had all the answers. She was my sounding board. But I
wasn’t sure she could help sooth this particular ache in my
chest. No one could.
“Thanks.”
“Always. See you tonight.”
I replaced the receiver and sat back in my chair. I didn’t
want to discuss Jason—at all. But at least Tuesday caved
and would wait until after work.
Time seemed to creep by, I must’ve checked the clock
every ten minutes. Even the hour-long conversation with
the FBI agent in charge of the fraud case against the
nursing home hadn’t taken my mind off my problems. After
my dad had died, work had been my salvation. I’d been able
to throw myself into my caseload and forget I was without
siblings and an orphan. I had no one to pick me up and dust
me off. No mother to cry to and get advice from. A father to
be outraged on my behalf and promise to protect me from
the evils of the world. I thought I’d found something special
in Jason. I stupidly thought he was the one. On second
thought he was the one—the one who would finally break
me. The one whom I’d taken my armor off for, and he’d
trampled the gift I’d given him.
I left five minutes earlier than normal and quickened my
pace when I hit the bottom floor. My heart pounded in my
chest as I scurried past Jason’s office. I tried my best not to
look in the direction of his door but I still caught the room
in my peripheral. The lights were off, he wasn’t even in,
and there I was trying to escape the building without him
seeing me.
By the time I made it to my car, my breathing was
almost back to normal. God, I was so weak. I couldn’t recall
the drive home if my life depended on it. One minute I was
in the DEA parking lot, the next I was pulling into my
garage. I numbly walked into my house and was greeted
with nothingness. No aroma of dinner being made. The
smell of Jason’s cologne was noticeably absent. Just
nothing. An empty house, with a bunch of memories I
wanted to forget but couldn’t.
I hated that my heart was shattered, that I could
remember every touch, every sweet word, every cuddle on
the couch, my bed, the shower. Damn them all. Damn him.
Why did he make me fall in love with him only to turn and
push me out of his life? And what was so wrong with me
that I desperately wanted to hear his voice? See his smile
one more time instead of the anguish that marred his
handsome face. Screw that. So what if he was good
looking. There were a lot of handsome men out there. And
who cared if he knew exactly what I needed before I did,
that was just sex, really good, awesome sex. Sex and love
are two different things. He never loved me anyway. I was
on the right track. The more I told myself lies the more
pissed I became. Anger was my friend. Rage would get me
through this heartbreak. It had to.
The front door swung open, and I despised myself for
hoping. For holding my breath.
“Hey,” Tuesday said.
My lips drew in, and I pinched them together as hard as
I could as disappointment raced through my body. Damn, I
was stupid. He wasn’t coming back. Not today. Not ever.
“Oh, shit,” she muttered and jogged to me, pulling me
into a hug. “Shit, Mercy.”
The unwanted tears streamed down my face. I didn’t
bother to wipe them away. Now that the faucet had opened
there was no stopping them.
“He’s gone,” I admitted.
She didn’t reply. There was nothing to say. Standing in
the middle of the living room I thanked my lucky stars for
my friend. The only tried and true person in my life. And
then I promised myself I’d never feel this pain again.
 27

I t had been the worst week of my life and that was

saying something. All the feelings I thought I’d worked
through about Kayla had come rushing back with a
vengeance. Ugly shit I never wanted to think about again
looped in my mind. Kayla dying in my arms morphed into
Mercy holding onto me, begging me not to leave her. My
dreams confused the two, and I was tortured nightly by
Mercy dying.
I hated myself for hurting her. I was a failure and a
fucking coward—two times over.
The banging on my front door pulled me from my self-
recrimination. No one other than my family would pound on
my front door on a Saturday morning. They’d all repeatedly
called me, and I’d sent them all to voicemail. I couldn’t tell
them what I’d done. How badly I’d screwed up again. The
only question was who was here? My dad, my mom, my
sisters? I didn’t want to face any of them.
“Glad to see you’re breathing.” My dad stepped into the
kitchen where I was pouring myself coffee.
I didn’t bother answering. He wasn’t looking for one
anyway. By the look on his face, he was pissed. Yet another
fuck-up on my part.
“How long has it been since you’ve talked to Mercy?”
 “A week.”
“Thought so.” My dad studied me with a look that could
only be described as disappointment. At least I hoped it
was and not disgust. Though, I couldn’t blame him if it was.
I was pretty disgusted with myself. “So you’re back to
living in this hell hole with the curtains closed, moping,
pacing the floor, and feeling sorry for yourself?”
“What the fuck? Sorry for myself? My wife died, and
that’s what you call it?”
“How long do you think you’re gonna play that card?”
What in the actual hell? Who was this man? The dad I
knew was strong and compassionate. He’d had high
expectations of us, punished us when necessary, but he’d
always handled us with care. This was the cool Special
Operator he kept away from the family. If he’d wanted the
kill shot, he’d succeeded.
“Until I’m over it.”
“You’ll never be over it. Wanna know why?” He didn’t
give me a chance to answer. “Because you won’t let
yourself be. You hide behind it. You wallow in your
misplaced guilt. I’ve watched my son, for goddamn years
slowly waste away. No more, Jason. Not one more fucking
day will I watch. Get over yourself.”
I wasn’t sure what hurt more. My dad’s revulsion or that
he’d called me Jason. He’d called me Bud since the day he
met me when I was six. Never Jason.
“Guilt—”
“Do not try and bullshit me. I am intimately familiar with
the feeling. I lived and breathed regret and guilt for years. I
can smell its stench anywhere. And you reek of it. It oozes
from your pores. You did everything you could for Kayla.
There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.”
“I didn’t do anything for her but fail her.”
“No, you—”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” I shouted.
“You did everything you could,” he repeated.
 “Except love her.” My dad froze. I bet he hadn’t seen
that coming. I bet he would’ve never guessed that the boy
he’d raised to be a man was a fraud. “She deserved a man
that loved her the way a husband should. A man that
desperately wanted to make love to her. Adored her. Want
to touch and cuddle her close. That was not us. That man
was not me. She knew it. I knew it. Everything was a
fucking lie, Dad. Everything. She was finally leaving me.
She was supposed to finally get everything she deserved.
Then she got sick again, and I refused to give her the
divorce she wanted. So you tell me how I did everything I
could for her. Huh? Now you know what a fuck-up I really
am. My wife was leaving me.”
“I know, Bud.”
“What?”
I could barely catch my breath; the room was starting to
spin. Surely, I’d heard him wrong. He couldn’t have known.
We played the part of husband and wife in public perfectly.
Our friendship wasn’t an act, it was easy to fool everyone
around us.
“Kayla talked to me and your mom before she filed.”
“She did what?” They’d known all along? Pretended like
they didn’t. What the fuck? “And you never told me?”
“She wanted to make sure we understood why the two
of you were separating. She didn’t want us to be mad at
her. Honestly, it didn’t come as a surprise.”
Glad my parents weren’t shocked by my impending
divorce. What else had they been holding back about?
“Well, it surprised the fuck out of me.”
“No, it didn’t. If you look back over your marriage you
knew. It’s just easier to lie to yourself and pretend the
obvious wasn’t in front of your face.”
“What’s next? You’re gonna tell me you never liked
Kayla?”
“We loved her like a daughter. But we knew she was not
the woman you’d spend the rest of your life with.”
 “What?”
“Kayla was your first love. It was young and it was a
learning kind of love. She taught you how to be a man. And
you showed her how a man should treat her. You two were
fast friends, you shared a deep bond, one that was
shrouded in friendship, not soul-binding, intoxicating
forever love. You were her caretaker, the person she turned
to for advice, you were her biggest cheerleader. She gave
back to you as much as you gave her. But anyone with eyes
in their heads could see that neither of you looked at the
other with all consuming adoration. There was no spark.
Friendship, yes. Lust and love, no.” My dad stopped and
sucked in a breath.
“We all miss her. She was sweet and kind. A genuine
good person. She caught the worst deal life could throw at
her. But you gave her everything you could until her last
breath on this earth. She knew how much she meant to
you. She understood you were willing to stay in a
relationship with her for the rest of your life if that’s what
she wanted. You were content in your arrangement. But,
son, you didn’t have a marriage.”
What the hell was I supposed to say to that? He was
mostly right. I was content in our arrangement. I was
roommates with one of the best people I knew. She was
funny and sweet. We had a good time together even if there
was no intimacy. Once sex was off the table, it was like a
weight had lifted, and, once again, we could go back to
being friends like we’d been before we walked down the
aisle. At one time, I’d thought there was a spark in our
marriage. Wasn’t there? Hadn’t I felt lust-drunk in her
presence? Not the way I’d been when I was with Mercy.
Hadn’t I felt an all-consuming need for Kayla? I hung my
head in shame, I’d never felt passion and want as deeply as
I’d felt with Mercy.
“I can’t see her anymore when I close my eyes,” I
admitted.
 “You’re not supposed to. You have to let her go. It’s time.
You hold your good memories close. You remember the
good friend she was to you and let the rest go. You can’t
keep doing this to yourself.”
“I ran out on Mercy,” I told him.
“I gathered that. Why?”
“I walked in on her giving herself a shot.”
“A shot? What kind of shot?”
“A B12 injection. She has pernicious anemia.”
“You left her because she’s anemic?” my dad asked in
disbelief.
I could feel the panic bubbling up, bile crawling up my
throat. I didn’t know what was worse, seeing Mercy and
the needle or her face when I left.
“I saw the syringe and lost it. I felt like all the air was
being squeezed from my lungs. My worst nightmare had
come to life right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t hear what
she was saying over the roaring in my ears. I had to leave,
get away from all the memories and images. All I could see
was Mercy dying in my arms. Losing my best friend nearly
killed me. If I lost Mercy I wouldn’t survive. The fucking
needle was sitting on the counter, something so stupid and
innocent turned into a venomous snake waiting to strike. I
couldn’t think, Dad. All I could do was run. I walked out on
her as she was begging me to stay and talk.”
Damn, I was a heartless bastard. So fucking dumb. I’d
left the woman I loved over a needle. Weak.
“You can still make this right. You have to talk to her.”
“It’s too late. She told me if I left, we were over.”
“Nothing is ever too late. Did you know I left your
mom?”
“What? No. When?”
My dad’s face clouded over as he remembered a time I
was sure was painful. How did I not know this either?
“You know how I know what you’re going through?
Because I’ve been there. I didn’t only lose a friend, I lost
the mother of my child and my daughter. I was broken. I
couldn’t get over what I’d done. Then I met your mom and I
thought I had, until she mentioned having more kids. I
spiraled and left her. Next thing I knew I was on a plane
headed to my hometown. I had so much guilt and self-
hatred I didn’t know what to do with it. I went straight to
Liz’s sister’s house and prayed she’d tell me what an
asshole I was and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But not
your Aunt Reagan. She told me to get over myself, move on,
that it was what Liz would’ve wanted. I ran home to your
mom and begged her forgiveness. The difference between a
woman and a man is a woman will fall in love with the idea
of you, the future, the promise they see in you. They will
wait, give you more chances than you deserve. Your mom
gave me the chance I needed to prove I was the man she
thought I was. But you need to pull your head out of your
ass and go to her, now. Time is not your friend. The longer
this lingers the harder it will be to fix it. And the promise I
see in Mercy, the beauty she gives you, the future you could
have are worth fighting for—do not delay. You don’t want to
wake up a year from now, alone in your bed, with nothing
but regret to keep you warm. Trust me. You will have lost a
good woman. One who supported you while you were
struggling. Even if that support was remaining quiet so you
could figure your shit out. She was still by your side.”
My dad was right. I would regret losing Mercy. Hell, I
regretted it now. I missed her so fucking much I couldn’t
see straight. There was a hole in my heart that only she
could fill. It was hers. Every part of me was.
“I don’t know how to fix it.”
“You start by opening your damn curtains. Letting some
sunshine into this pit of gloom. You open your eyes and see
the people around you who have your back. You beg, plead,
and fall to your knees. Crawl if you have to. You exhaust
every recourse, then you find more. What you do not do is
give up. I didn’t raise a quitter, don’t start now. You need to
be the man I know you are. Honest. Kind. Goodhearted. Be
the man she needs you to be.”
I could beg. I would beg. I’d crawl back to her if it meant
this ache in my heart would subside.
 28

I ’d like to say I was feeling better after talking to

Tuesday, but that would be a lie. It would also be a lie
if I said that through my hectic work week, I hadn’t
had time to think about Jason. As busy as the last few days
have been, I still found the time. I still missed him and
loved him just as much as I did when I woke up the
morning he’d left me ten days ago. Ten horrible fucking
days.
He hadn’t been into the office the last three days. I’d
heard the task force was out in the field. The rival MCs had
come to an agreement and they were moving product down
I-95. The shipment was supposed to be intercepted
sometime today. They’d used the first two days for
surveillance. It was a big shipment, and the MC had sent
extra security to ensure the eighteen-wheeler packed full of
drugs made it to the drop.
My cell phone vibrated with an incoming text and I
thought about ignoring it. I knew Tuesday meant well, but I
didn’t need her checking on me every five minutes. The
phone vibrated again and I knew she wouldn’t stop.
DELANEY WALKER: I think I’m in trouble.
DELANEY WALKER: No thinking. I’m fucked. Derek
Lowe is following me.
 Fuck.
I pressed the call button and waited. Three rings then to
voicemail. I sent her a text hoping she’d answer.
ME: Where are you?
I jumped up, grabbed my keys, and flew down the stairs.
I jumped the last two, jogged to the heavy glass doors, and
pushed. Cool air blasted me in the face as I took off in a
sprint to get to my car.
ME: Delaney! Where are you? I’m on my way.
It was just after eight a.m. She had to be in class. I
pulled out of the lot, trying to call Delaney while driving
sixty in a twenty-five, with cars lining both sides of the two-
lane side street. Goddamn it. Why hadn’t I looked at my
phone sooner?
Again, no answer.
I dialed Bruce, he could get someone to run a trace on
Delaney’s cell.
“Detective—”
“Bruce, it’s Mercy. Listen, I need you to track Delaney
Liberty Walker’s cell phone. She texted me that she was in
trouble. Derek Lowe is following her. How is that possible?”
“Damn it. Where are you?”
“Headed to Parkside. Delaney should be in class.”
“I’ll get someone on the trace and meet you there. Is
Jason with you?”
My heart constricted but I didn’t have time to think
about my broken heart, Delaney was in trouble.
“No, he’s in the field. Even if I tried, they’re radio
silent.”
“He’s gonna flip his shit. See you in fifteen.” He wasn’t
wrong; Jason was going to have a heart attack. I was
breaking every traffic law known to man getting to the high
school. I hoped fifteen minutes wasn’t fifteen minutes too
late.
I pressed Delaney’s number again, and this time it went
straight to voicemail. That wasn’t a good sign. Either her
phone was dead or turned off. If that was the case, we were
fucked. There was no way to trace her cell if it wasn’t
pinging towers.
Dread bloomed. The last time I’d felt this feeling in my
gut, Jason had left me. I pulled into the parking lot and
scanned the area. Delaney’s car was not in the teachers’
lot. That could mean any number of things. I pulled in front
of the building, parked in front of the red curb, busses only
section, and jumped out, not bothering to turn my car off.
I buzzed the door, banged on the glass, and waved my
credentials in front of the camera.
“May I help you?”
“Agent James, DEA. I need to speak with Delaney Walker
immediately.”
The door clicked, allowing me to enter. A woman met me
in the lobby before I could turn toward Delaney’s
classroom.
“Agent James. Ms. Walker isn’t here today. Is there an
issue? Something I can help you with?”
“What do you mean not here? When did she leave?”
“She had a scheduled day off. I believe she was going to
the dentist or doctor. May I help you?”
“No. Thanks.”
Think, Mercy. Shit. Jasper.
I scrolled through my contacts pulling up a number I
never thought I’d need, but happy Jason insisted I program
it in—just in case.
“Hello?”
“Jasper? It’s Mercy.”
“What’s wrong? Where are you?”
What the hell was it with Walker men, did they have a
special Spidey sense?
“I’m at Parkside looking for Delaney. I got a text from
her saying she was in trouble, Derek Lowe was following
her. I have local PD trying to triangulate but her phone is
now off. She’s not at school. Something about an
appointment. Do you know where she was going this
morning? I need a place to start searching.”
“Derek Lowe?” The deadly tone sent shivers down my
spine.
“Jasper! Where was her appointment?”
“Didn’t know she had one. Let me call Em.”
He hung up, and I was stuck with my thumb up my ass
with no starting point. Bruce should be pulling in any
minute. We could split up and search for her.
My cell phone buzzed with an incoming text.
DELANEY WALKER: Promises. Promises. You can’t be
on your way because you don’t know where she is.
Oh, God. Lowe has her. I needed to engage him. The
longer the phone was back on the better.
ME: Derek. You don’t want to do this. Delaney has
nothing to do with anything. I’m the one you want.
DELANEY WALKER: You want her? Come get her. You
have five minutes.
ME: Where?
DELANEY WALKER: Corner of Fifth and Channel.
Behind the old waffle place. Five minutes and we roll.
I sped out of the lot and called Jasper.
“No luck.”
“Lowe contacted me. The old waffle house on Fifth—”
“I know it.”
“He said if I’m not there in five he rolls and takes her
with him. I’m four minutes out.”
“You got back up? I’m at least twenty out.”
“Negative. I don’t have time to wait.”
“Stand down, Mercy. Don’t go in alone. We’ll track him.”
“Not a chance. She doesn’t spend one more minute
alone with him than she has to.”
“Mercy—”
“Hanging up now, Jasper. See ya when you get there.”
I was coming up on the corner. I needed a plan. There
was no way I was letting Delaney go anywhere with Derek
Lowe.
My phone rang and I sent it to voicemail. I didn’t have
time to argue with Jasper. I pulled into the alleyway and
Derek was standing next to Delaney’s car, gun pointed to
her temple. I hit the redial button, heard Jasper yelling, and
I told him the only thing I could that would possibly save
us.
“Her car.”
I clicked off the call, silenced my phone, pulled my gun
from my holster, and got out.
“You don’t want to do this, Lowe. Let her go.” I sounded
like a parrot.
“Right. Drop your weapon and get in.”
“No. Let her go, and I’ll go with you.”
“Look at you, thinking you’re in control. You’ve got until
three and we end this right here.”
“You shoot her, I kill you.”
“I’ve got nothing to lose. I don’t give the first fuck. You
two bitches cost me everything. Three. Two—”
“Okay.” I slowly lowered my weapon. I dropped the
magazine out and tossed the gun under my car.
“Get in the back seat.” All three of us started to
approach the car. “What do you think you’re gonna do with
that?” Lowe motioned to the polymer magazine in my hand.
“I’m not leaving a loaded gun on the ground.” I shoved
the seventeen-round mag in my back pocket and climbed
in.
Delaney was roughly shoved through the driver’s side
door and told to crawl into the passenger seat. I wanted to
tell her to jump out and run, but Lowe was in the car,
reversing before I could.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To have one last party.”
My blood ran cold. I didn’t think he meant the fun kind
of party with balloons and clowns.
“By the way, give Delaney your phone.”
 He pointed his pistol at her, and when I handed it to her,
he told her to toss it out the window.
Well, there went that plan. Our only hope now was
Jasper. I prayed he understood my last two words to him or
they truly may have been my last.
 29

“T F One, you read me?”

“Loud and clear,” I told command.
Comm check complete, we were almost
ready to intercept. Twenty-five DEA agents, twenty bikers,
and a shipment of narcotics worth high six-figures. What
could go wrong?
It had started with fifteen bikers following the semi-
truck, those numbers I could stomach. Twenty-five to
fifteen and the odds were in our favor. But this morning five
more had shown up as the eighteen-wheeler pulled out of
the truck stop. I didn’t like our current state of play. We
were only five up on a bunch of one-percenters, a biker
gang that lived and died by a code of brotherhood. They
wouldn’t go down easy. There would be no surrender with
them.
We all knew we had a battle on our hands, and, just like
all the operations before, our only hope was we’d have the
tactical advantage and our training would prove superior.
Bullets don’t discriminate. All it takes is one lucky shot and
you were dead.
Let’s hope luck would be on our side today.
Team one was to cut the bikers off from the rig. Team
two would take the shipment.
 “We’re ready to move. Do not trust any of these fuckers.
They’d sooner gut you than wind up in lockup,” my team
leader barked in my ear.
“Copy that. TF One in place and ready.”
“Move out.”
Monroe and Evan pulled out with four agents in each of
their heavily armored suburbans. They’d go ahead and get
in front of the rig. Sampson pulled out with his four-man
team, and I followed with three other men in my truck.
We’d catch up to the Harleys and pull in front of them,
cutting off their access to the semi. Lawrence and Tito
would come in behind the bikers and box them in.
The two lead vehicles were in place and Sampson and I
took our places in front of the bikes, slowing down and
swerving so they couldn’t pass us on the two-lane access
road. It was important we took out the caravan before they
hit I-95. There would be too many innocent civilians in
danger if a shootout took place there.
“TF One. Slow your speed.”
“Copy,” Sampson answered.
I let off the gas and followed his lead. We were down to
ten miles an hour.
“Anyone think it’s odd no one’s tried to pass us?” I
asked.
“Just thinking the same thing,” Tito answered.
“We’re ready to roll the rig to a stop on your go, TF
One,” Monroe came over the radio.
“We’re down to five miles per hour. Start your
deceleration,” I answered.
Something was definitely wrong. The bikers should be
showing some signs of distress but they were simply rolling
to a stop. No one tried to break away, no guns were drawn.
“This is jacked. This is too damn easy.”
Sampson and I rolled to a stop and waited for twenty-
five bikes to follow suit. Let the showdown begin. Doors
opened, and DEA agents descended, barking orders for
everyone to keep their hands on their bars. Every biker
complied. Front and center was a bearded man, late forties,
with tattoos covering both arms and his neck. The front
patch on his cut read President.
The man didn’t move as I approached, weapon drawn
and on high alert. “How ya doing this afternoon, agent?”
He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.
“Just out for a leisurely ride?” I asked. “You don’t have
any weapons or contraband on you, do you?”
“Nope. Just a pocket knife.”
“Mind if you ask your boys to dismount and consent to a
search?”
“Sure.” His hand shot up in the air and with a finger
pointed to the sky he circled his hand. “Spread ’em, boys,
you’re getting a DEA special today. Maybe even a happy
ending if one feels so inclined.”
“Rig’s empty. I repeat, rig is empty. Not even a pallet,”
Evan barked in my ear. “Goddammit.”
I patted down Mr. Smart-Ass President and he was
telling the truth. A legal pocket knife was the only thing he
had on him.
“So what is this?” I asked, gesturing to the gang of men
behind him.
His eyes flared and brow pulled down. “Just taking care
of some club business.”
“Business, huh? You’re a long way from home to be
taking care of business. And coming into another MC’s
territory to do it? Seems like bullshit to me.”
“Sometimes you have to eat up miles to find a man’s
loyalty.”
Well, fuck. This was a dry run. They’d thought they had
a mole, and now it was confirmed. I didn’t know who our
source was and, even if I did, there was nothing I could do.
Even locking the man up wouldn’t save his life. You live by
their code, you died by it.
 “We’re clear. No one has shit on them,” Lawrence
announced. “Command, waiting for your orders.”
The agent back at headquarters let a string of curses fly
before he said, “Cut ’em loose.”
“You all have a safe trip home,” I told the biker.
“Aces, let’s ride.”
DEA agents all stepped to the side as the Harleys roared
to life. The man in the front shot his arm to the sky and
circled. Apparently, that was the universal sign for
everything. They drove away, leaving us on the side of the
access road empty handed. Nothing like days of planning
going to shit in a matter of minutes.
“Walker?” Command came through my comm.
“Go for Walker.”
“You have a nine-one-one call. Go turn your cell on.
You’re dismissed. The rest of your team will hitch a ride
home. Get your ass back to Savannah. Now.”
What the fuck?
I jumped into the government issued SUV and found my
personal cell phone stored in the glove box. With my heart
constricting it felt like hours as I waited for it to power up.
Finally.
DAD: Lowe out on bail. Snatched Delaney. Mercy’s going
in.
DAD: When you get this check in.
DAD: Lowe has Mercy and Delaney.
DAD: GET YOUR ASS HOME.
DAD: No updates. Called in my team. Search and rescue
underway.
DAD: Nothing yet. Call me. ASAP.
“Get out of the driver’s seat,” Tito barked.
“What?”
“Scoot your ass over. I’m driving.”
“What?”
“Dude, I’m speaking English. No way am I letting you
drive an hour home after I just heard the noise that came
from this vehicle.”
I hadn’t realized I’d made any noises. I hadn’t realized I
was even breathing. It was as if all of the oxygen had been
sucked out of the SUV. No, that wasn’t right. The air had
been stolen from my world. My sister and the woman I love
were in the hands of a man who was out for revenge.
I dialed my dad’s number and waited.
“You on your way?”
“Hour out. Any updates?”
“Blake is working on locating Delaney’s car. Both cell
phones are off or gone.”
“How long has he had them?”
I guess I could’ve checked the timestamps on my dad’s
texts, but I didn’t want to read his messages again.
“An hour.”
“An hour? Fuck.”
Tito slammed on the gas, pushing me against the
headrest. A damn hour. He could’ve already— No. I
couldn’t go there. I had to keep my shit together.
“You just get here. Safely.”
“If one goddamn hair—”
“We got this, Bud. Walk in the park. Your sister is tough.
And your woman was on a mission. They’ll hold strong until
we get there.”
“Tito’s already got us on the road. Where are we
headed?”
“The house. If something changes, I’ll call.”
My dad disconnected, Tito drove, and I plotted. The
motherfucker might want revenge. But I was doling out my
own brand of retribution.
 30

I was going to kick Derek Lowe’s ass. One way or

another, I was getting my licks in. I was waiting. As
long as he had his gun pointed at Delaney’s head there
was nothing I could do but be ready when the opportunity
arose. He’d driven us around the corner, stopped in a
parking lot, pulled Delaney out of her car, and shoved us
into his car much the same way we’d gotten into Delaney’s.
Smart bastard.
He’d driven us around for a long time before pulling into
a neighborhood. I couldn’t understand what he was doing
until he pulled into the driveway of a house that was for
sale. With his gun still trained on Delaney, I walked beside
her as he guided us to the back of the house. He broke the
window out of a side door, reached in, unlocked it, and
shoved us in.
I knew Delaney was scared, but something else seemed
to be wrong. She’d kept her arms wrapped around herself
and had obeyed Derek’s every order. If I could’ve gotten
her attention, there was a possibility I could’ve overtaken
him while he was fucking with the door. But with Delaney
in full-on shutdown mode there wasn’t a damn thing I could
do. I was too afraid she’d get hurt.
 “Not so chatty now, huh, Delaney? Fucking busybody
bitch.” Lowe kicked the back of her knee, forcing her leg to
suddenly bend, and she pitched forward, hitting the floor.
“You need to learn to keep your mouth shut.”
“She didn’t say anything. You got it all wrong. You were
selling to teenagers. Did you really think they wouldn’t
blab? All it took was for us to arrest one and they turned on
you,” I lied. I’d lie my ass off, tell as many tall tales as I
needed to in order to get Delaney to safety. “You fucked up
and grabbed the wrong girl. Let her go. You have me and
I’m the one you want. I’m the one that locked you up.
Waltzed right into your house while you were in the shower
and cuffed your ass.”
He turned his gun toward me. I felt the white-hot pain
sear through my shoulder before I’d registered the sound
of the gun firing.
“Oh my God!” Delaney screamed.
She got to her hands and knees, trying to scrabble away.
I watched in horror as Lowe drew his leg back and kicked
her stomach, the force nearly lifting her off the floor. He
placed a second one to her face before I could stop him.
Her head snapped back, spittle flew out of her mouth
accompanied by blood, and she rolled to her side. I couldn’t
let him turn his gun back to me or I was dead. Even if I was
damn lucky, his aim sucked. He pulled his shot the first
time, I may not get so lucky the second.
“Nosey, fucking—”
I slammed into Lowe and gasped in pain as our bodies
collided and we stumbled back. Wood smashed, and I
fought to regain my balance. He was too big for me to
wrestle on the floor. My years of training told me I had to
stay upright and fight.
“Run!” I shouted to Delaney. “Get the fuck out of here.”
I didn’t have time to see if she’d followed my directions.
Lowe held firm on his gun. My knee made contact with his
groin, and my elbow to his face. His bare knuckles made
contact with my cheek and pain blossomed, making me
dizzy. Fists flew, knees and elbows collided. We tumbled to
the carpet with a heavy thud that took my breath.
“Fucking bitch!” he shouted in my face. Blood poured
from his nose onto my neck.
I struggled to get him off me, knowing that was the
worst position I could have been in. He wouldn’t budge. He
used the grip of his gun to smack me in the face. My vision
faded. I had to move. Had to get the gun out of his hands.
My fingernails dug into his face, scoring the flesh as I
dragged them down his cheek. If I wasn’t in fear for my life,
I would’ve been happy when rivulets of blood appeared.
He pitched to the side, trying to get away from my
flaying hands. His movement was just what I needed. I
bucked my hips as hard as I could, used my hands on his
shoulders, and pushed with all my might. We rolled to the
side. Almost. He was too big and too angry. It didn’t take
much for him to straddle my waist again. My hand grabbed
at the gun. If I couldn’t get it from him, I wanted to at least
discharge the bullets into the wall. I hoped to God, Delaney
had followed my instructions and had run. I didn’t want her
getting hit. All of his weight was sitting on my stomach,
threatening to take what little oxygen I could suck in.
Breathing hard from exertion, the pressure of his body was
not my friend.
I finally got my finger into the trigger guard and
pressed. One bullet shot into the ceiling, and the next into
the wall to my right. I tried to fire again, but he was pulling
away. In a move I could never again replicate, but I thanked
the universe and all the saints for, I twisted his wrist and
pressed the trigger again.
Blood sprayed in every direction. Bone and brain matter
followed. The coppery taste in my mouth had me gagging.
Lowe slumped forward and to the side, still mostly on top of
me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to lay there with him draped
over me and catch my breath or if I was going to vomit at
the sight. My ears were ringing, and every muscle in my
body was screaming in pain.
Every. Part.
But I was alive. Delaney was alive. Lowe was dead.
“Mercy!” I heard Jasper’s voice and, for the first time
since all of this started, I wanted to cry.
Lowe’s body was pushed off mine and Jason’s dad was
on his knees by my side.
“I’m fine. Delaney’s hurt.”
“Clark, Lenox, and Levi have her. Let’s get you up.”
“Delaney needs a doctor. He kicked her in the head.”
Even in my haze I couldn’t miss the murderous rage on his
face. “I tried, Jasper. I couldn’t stop him soon enough.”
Adrenaline seeped out of my body with every exhale.
Exhaustion was pulling me under. I was so damn tired all I
wanted to do was close my eyes for a moment.
I heard talking and orders being barked, but the voices
were drifting further and further away.
I needed to rest, just for a moment.
 31

T ito approached the entrance to the hospital at a high

rate of speed. In a move straight out of a Bourne
thriller he came to a screeching, sliding stop in front
of the emergency room doors.
My dad had called thirty minutes ago to redirect me to
General Hospital. His short, clipped SITREP consisted of:
GSW to Mercy’s shoulder, Delaney was unconscious but
breathing, Lowe was DOA. Nothing further. No details.
He’d hung up before I could ask.
Mercy was shot. Delaney was hurt. And the
motherfucker was lucky he was dead.
I muttered a quick thanks to Tito and took off to find a
nurses’ station. Before I could ask where Mercy or my
sister were, my dad stepped off the elevator and called me
over. We stepped into the lift and waited for the doors to
slide closed before he spoke.
“Delaney’s fine. She’s awake, but barely talking. She
even asked everyone, including your mom to step out of the
room when the doctor came in to speak to her. Mercy is one
floor up in surgery. Lenox and Lily are up there in the
waiting room in case the doctor has news.”
“What the fuck happened? How the hell did Lowe get his
hands on Delaney in the first place?”
 My dad explained my sister had a doctor’s appointment
this morning and had taken the day off work. She noticed
Lowe was following her. She got scared and pulled into a
parking lot with a bank. Her plan was to make a run for it
and hope the bank’s security guard could protect her.
“Why the hell did she get out of the car? She knows
better.”
“Her gas light was on. She was afraid she’d run out of
gas. She figured the bank was her safest option. Only Lowe
overpowered her and pushed her back into her car. That’s
when he texted Mercy from Delaney’s phone.”
Everything that could’ve gone wrong seemed to have.
“And Mercy didn’t wait for backup?”
“Lowe gave her a five-minute clock. She was at the high
school thinking Delaney was there when she texted that
she needed help. There’s a Detective Adams upstairs, too.
He’s not too happy she didn’t wait for him.”
My teeth ground at the mention of Bruce’s name. I bet
he was up there. All too happy I wasn’t. If the jacknut even
thought he was going to be by Mercy’s side, he was
mistaken.
“How’d you get a lock on them? Delaney’s car pan out?”
“We found her car in the bank parking lot. Cameras
showed the girls getting into his car. He had a gun pointed
at Delaney. It looked like Mercy was willing to do anything
he asked to keep Delaney safe. She got right into the back
seat without a fight. We were able to track Lowe driving
aimlessly around through traffic cams, but when he pulled
off the main road, we lost him. Lenox, Clark, Levi, and I
drove through every neighborhood looking for his car. We
got fucking lucky. Blake was monitoring police radios and a
nine-one-one call came in with shots fired. We hauled ass
and broke down the front door in time to watch half the
fucker’s face blow off.”
“Who took the shot?”
“Mercy. Point blank.”
 My world stopped spinning. “Mercy?”
Christ. Taking a life leaves a mark on your soul, even if it
was justified and necessary. But up close and personal?
That fucks with your head. I needed to see her.
“How much longer until she’s out?”
“Doctor said a few hours. So I’d say you have more than
an hour.”
The elevator doors opened, we stepped out, and my dad
stopped me. “Listen.” So much anguish stared back at me I
braced for his next words. “The side of your sister’s face is
. . . not pretty. We’re lucky he didn’t shatter her cheek. It’s
bruised already and swollen pretty badly. You’re gonna
need to keep your shit in check. I already had to remove
your aunts from the room once. Delaney does not need to
see her family breaking down. She’s scared shitless. Not
talking. Staring off into space.”
Shit. Goddamn. It took more than a few cleansing
exhales to pull myself together. My baby sister.
Motherfuck! Dad was a hundred percent right. My mom
and aunts were all probably ready to have a come apart. I
had to be strong, for all of them.
Delaney first, then Mercy. With one last breath I nodded,
and my dad continued to her room and opened the door. My
mom jumped up and rushed to me, I wrapped her in a hug
and let her silently sob in my arms.
“She saved your sister,” Mom whispered. I squeezed her
tighter. “She’s hurt, because she was protecting . . .”
Mom’s words were muffled as she shoved her face into my
chest.
“Mercy’s strong. She’ll be fine. They both are. You’ll see,
Mama, everything will be fine.”
God, I hoped I was right. I felt my mom nod before she
pulled away and gave me what was supposed to be a smile.
But it looked like a tearful grimace instead. “Go sit with
your sister a minute.”
“Where are Quinn and the twins?”
 “They’re on their way now.”
I glanced at my sister. She looked so small lying in the
hospital bed with the blanket pulled up to her neck. She
was faced away from us, and I was grateful for an extra
moment to fortify my reaction.
“Hey there, DeeDee.” I used the old nickname she
hated.
Her eyes came to me, but she didn’t say anything. Thank
fuck my dad had warned me about her face. He’d said it
was swollen but he hadn’t warned me her left eye was
forced closed from the inflammation. There was also what
looked close to being a boot sized bruise covering her face,
from chin to forehead. Motherfucker kicked her square on
the side of her head.
I sat down and pried her clasped hands apart, holding
onto them when she tried to pull them back. She
whimpered but didn’t protest further.
Long seconds turned into minutes. The silence stretched
as Delaney stared off into space. Hurt and fear were the
only things I could see. Finally, she squeezed my hand. She
opened her mouth to speak but had to clear her throat
several times before she croaked, “How’s Mercy?”
“She’ll be fine.”
“Don’t treat me with kid gloves like Mom and Dad do.
How is she?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her yet.”
I was purposefully being evasive. I didn’t want to tell her
Mercy was in surgery if she didn’t already know.
“Tell. Me!”
My sister, never leaving anything alone, would not stop
until I told her. I’d stupidly hoped this one time she’d stop
asking.
“She’s in surgery. From what Dad said, the doctor said it
would only be a few hours.”
“You should go see her. I want to sleep.”
 Delaney was basically kicking me out of her room. She
pulled her hand out of mine and closed her eyes, cutting off
any further discussion.
“I love you, baby sis. We’ll get through this.”
My heart shattered when tears rolled down her battered
cheek.
“She saved my life,” Delaney whispered. “He shot her. I
was frozen.”
“Listen to me.” She kept her eyes closed and made no
effort to open them. “You did what Mercy needed you to do.
Stayed down and out of the way so she could fight. I’m
right, Delaney. She knew what she was doing. All she
needed was you to stay safe while she did what she had to
do.”
I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I was almost paralyzed with
fear. If the sight of my sister was breaking me, Mercy
would bring me to my knees.
 32

T he unmistakable smell of antiseptic and the beeping

of machines pulled me from sleep. Or was I still
dreaming? I could’ve sworn Jason’s cologne mingled
with the disinfectant. If that was the case, I wanted to stay
asleep. Maybe he’d show up in my nocturnal fantasyland
and carry me off into the happily ever after. But that wasn’t
going to happen, the more awake I became, the more I
remembered. Jason had left me.
Lowe had taken Delaney.
Shit, Delaney!
My eyes popped open and I searched for the damn
button to call the nurse. I needed to check on Delaney.
“Easy, baby. Slow down before you rip your stitches.”
Baby?
My groggy vision started to clear, and the man sitting
next to my bed came into focus. Nope, not a dream. The
shock of seeing Jason was nearly as painful as the gunshot
wound in my shoulder.
Ignoring my heart as it thundered in my chest, I asked,
“Where’s your sister? Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. Thanks to you. My parents are downstairs
with her.”
 Thank God. Relief washed over me. “Her head’s okay? I
mean, she doesn’t have a concussion?”
“No. A few bruises that will heal and a whole lotta
scared. That part will take longer to get over.”
Damn.
Now that my worry about Delaney’s physical state was
assuaged, I studied Jason. He looked horrible. Anguish and
anger were clear. But there was something else lurking
behind his eyes, trepidation, maybe. Whatever the look, I
didn’t want to examine it too closely. It was too painful
being near him.
“You should go be with your family.”
“No.”
“No? Really, Jason, they need you with them.”
“I need to be up here with you.”
What the hell was this? Perhaps the medication I’d
clearly received, because I wasn’t in any pain, was causing
me to hallucinate. Jason didn’t want to be anywhere near
me. He’d made himself more than clear. Even after I’d
pleaded with him to stay.
“Just go. Please. Honestly, you being here isn’t making
anything better for me.”
“I need to talk to you. Explain a few things.”
“No, you don’t. You leaving me told me everything I
needed to know.”
“Please, Mercy. Five minutes.”
“Funny, a few weeks ago, I remember asking you for the
same. I begged you to hear me out. Let me explain. You
refused and walked out the door. Your decision. Now it’s
mine. I’m asking you to leave.”
“I fucked up.”
“You did.”
“I’m gonna make it right, Mercy.”
“You can’t. It’s too late.”
He stood and stared down at me. “It’s never too late. I’ll
fix what I broke. I don’t care if I have to crawl back to you
on my hands and knees. I will fix this,” he promised. He
leaned forward and placed his warm lips on my forehead. “I
love you so damn much. There hasn’t been a single night I
haven’t laid awake and thought about you. How badly I’d
screwed up. How much I missed you. I’m coming for you,
Mercy James. One way or another I’m coming.”
He stood and made his way to the door. With his hand on
the knob he turned back and looked at me. There was no
sadness, only determination.

“I F YOU ASK me if I need another pillow one more time, I’m

going to smother you with one of the three you’ve propped
up behind me,” I grouched.
“Whatever. I’d like to see you try. You can’t even lift your
arm high enough to swat a fly.”
Tuesday wasn’t wrong. The pain meds were wearing off,
but I knew I’d fall asleep again as soon as the nurse gave
me more and I wanted to visit with my best friend. She was
better medicine than the pharmaceuticals anyway. I hadn’t
told her about Jason’s visit. I knew what she’d say. She was
a big ol’ softy and would tell me to hear him out. She was
big on second chances. But not thirds. You had two chances
with Tuesday before she tossed you out on your ass and
locked the door behind you. She’d tell me that everyone
screws up. Everyone says things they’re ashamed of and
should be given a chance to make it right. I understood her
point of view—I just didn’t agree.
“Thanks for being here,” I told her.
“Shut up. Like I’d be anywhere else. Now scoot your
wide ass over and make room for me. This chair sucks.”
“I do not have a wide ass.”
“Well, you must, it’s taking up the whole damn bed.”
 Her smile broke into laughter. After the day I’d had it
felt good to laugh.

T UESDAY HAD STAYED ALL DAY . She’d sat with me when the
police came in to speak with me. When the agent in charge
of my division came in and put me on mandatory
administrative leave. And she’d held me while I’d cried. I
knew it was procedure but it stung knowing my creds and
gun would be locked up. As far as the police were
concerned it was a justified shooting. The DEA would follow
suit and there would be no review board. My boss and his
boss would go over the reports, as was protocol when an
agent discharged their weapon, but there would be no
repercussions as a result of taking Derek Lowe’s miserable
life.
Tuesday was still hogging most of my hospital bed when
a knock sounded. A glance at the clock told me it was after
eleven. The nurses didn’t knock. It was after visiting hours,
they were making an exception for Tuesday. Surely, they
wouldn’t let Jason back here. Or would they? All it would
take was one of his panty-melting smiles and a flash of his
shield, and they’d pave the way for him.
Shit. I could feel Tuesday giving me the side-eye,
wondering why I hadn’t asked the person behind the door
to enter.
“Come in!” I finally yelled.
The door slowly opened and Delaney poked her head in.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had—”
“No. Wait. Come in.”
“I’ll come—”
“Delaney?” Tuesday asked and stood. “Hey, I’m Tuesday.
Please come in.”
 “I don’t want to bother you guys.” Delaney was still
holding onto the door frame.
This was not the Delaney I knew. She’d never been shy
or timid.
“Don’t be silly. We were just watching TV, and Mercy
was trying to kick me out.”
“Yeah, because you were pushing me off my own bed.” I
turned back to Delaney. “Please come in.”
She took a few steps into the room and stopped.
Thankfully, the nurse had disconnected my IV a few hours
ago leaving only a catheter in my hand, so I wouldn’t need
to be stuck again. Other than the itchy tape holding it in
place, the hep-lock was barely noticeable. I threw my legs
over the side of the bed and waited, heeding the warning
about getting up too quickly. Once I felt stable, I stood and
padded over to Delaney.
“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” she scolded.
“Neither should you. Yet here we are, two rebels.”
Her face didn’t budge at my attempt at a joke.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I called you for help, and you got hurt.”
“Come sit with me.”
I didn’t give her time to answer, I simply grabbed her
hand and pulled her to the unmade hospital bed. The guilt
she was feeling was normal, I felt it, too. I hadn’t protected
Delaney from Lowe the way I’d intended. She’d still been
hurt, and the angry purple and green bruising on her face
was proof. But I’d tried the best I could, and she’d done the
right thing calling me.
“What else is wrong?” I asked.
“Everything.”
“You know my shoulder will be fine. Besides I get two
weeks paid vacation now.” Still nothing. Damn. “Seriously,
Delaney, I’m fine. It’s the nature of my job. Not the first
time I’ve been in a scuffle resulting in some black and blue
marks and it won’t be my last. All of this.” I waved to my
face then to hers. “Will be gone in a few weeks. But the
emotional stuff won’t be if you let it fester. You need to get
it all out.”
Delaney’s head dropped forward and she stared at the
linoleum floor.
“I’m going to go find us some junk food. I have my cell if
you think of something you’d like.” Tuesday being Tuesday,
my kindhearted, intuitive friend, had picked up on
Delaney’s need to talk. And she probably wouldn’t do that
with her in the room.
I gave Tuesday a tight smile as she left. After a few
minutes of silence, I knew Delaney wasn’t going to offer
any information. I’d have to pull every last detail from her.
“You didn’t go to school today because you had a
doctor’s appointment. Is everything okay?”
“It was.”
Was? We’d definitely come back to that.
“You made the right decision stopping at the bank. You
couldn’t chance running out of gas. That was a smart
choice.”
Jasper and Emily had both come to my room to try and
thank me for helping Delaney. I wasn’t having any of their
gratitude, I’d done what I’d done because it was the right
thing to do. I admit, I made certain decisions because it
was Delaney and I didn’t want her alone with Lowe. But I’d
like to think I would’ve made the same plays had it been a
stranger, but deep down, in my heart of hearts, I wasn’t a
hundred percent sure.
“I should’ve called nine-one-one.”
“They wouldn’t have gotten to you in time. And if they
had, there would’ve been a showdown in the parking lot
and Lowe would’ve shot you.”
“So, instead he shot you. And beat you up.”
“In the shoulder. It’s nothing. I already told you, not the
first time a bad guy has taken his desperation out on my
face, won’t be the last. None of this is on you. Derek Lowe
was a piece of shit drug dealer. All of this is his fault.”
Again, the silence stretched. Delaney picked at her
oversized sweatshirt.
“What’s wrong? I know you’re upset I was hurt. But
there’s something else.”
“If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell anyone?
Not even Jason?”
Well, that was easy, I had no plans to talk to him again.
“Yes.”
“My doctor’s appointment today? It was with my OB.”
Obstetrician? Oh, shit. I reached over and grabbed
Delaney’s hand silently urging her to continue. “Twelve
weeks. Everything was going perfectly.”
Was! There was that word again.
“Does Carter know?”
I assumed the baby was Carter’s. From what Jason had
told me the two of them were it for each other. I couldn’t
see Delaney running and having a one-night stand or even
a relationship with anyone else while she was in love with
Carter Lenox.
“No. He’s off on one of his secret missions.” She laughed
with no humor. “This is what we do. He sneaks home, says
goodbye to me, tells me all the reasons we can’t be
together, then he runs off to places unknown, and I don’t
hear from him until he comes home. Hell, sometimes he
doesn’t even call to tell me he’s back. He just shows up at
some family gathering, and that’s how I find out.”
None of that sounded good.
“That’s kinda fucked-up,” I noted.
“Kinda? It’s all kinds of screwed up. I’m fully aware our
relationship isn’t ideal. Shit, that’s not even the right word.
What I mean is, I know what I’m getting into when he
comes over. I’ve been in love with him since I was sixteen.
He was my first. My one and only. I know he loves me, God
knows, he tells me enough. He’s never asked me to wait for
him. I just can’t let him go. But maybe it’s time.”
“Why now?”
The tears that were brimming in her eyes finally fell and
streamed down her cheeks. “He’ll never forgive me for
losing his baby.”
“What? No!”
All her wases made sense. Fucking Derek Lowe. I
wished I could go back in time and kick him in the balls a
few more times for what he’d done to Delaney.
“If I would’ve listened to you and Jason in the first place
and not followed Derek, none of this would’ve happened.
He wouldn’t have wanted revenge.”
“Delaney, you’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing! There’s
no way Carter will blame you for miscarrying.”
“You’re right. Because I’m never going to tell him.
Carter’s told me a thousand times I deserve better than
him. Better than waiting around for a call telling me he’s
dead. I’ve never believed that. But he deserves a better
woman, one that can keep his unborn child safe and—”
She couldn’t finish her statement through her sobs. I
wrapped my arms around her, gritting through the pain of
lifting my bad arm.
“Your shoulder,” she complained.
“Fuck my shoulder.”
I squeezed her tighter and as the pain radiated down my
arm and threatened to steal my breath, I knew the anguish
she was feeling was far worse than any gunshot wound
ever could be.
Fucking Derek Lowe. Damn him to hell.
 33

I knew Mercy was out of the hospital. I also knew

Tuesday had taken her home and was staying with her.
Mercy would likely get pissed at Tuesday when she
found out her friend had texted me back after the fifteen
messages I’d sent. But I couldn’t find it in myself to be
anything other than grateful I had some line of information
flowing.
Tuesday had started the conversation the way any good
best friend would, she told me to fuck off. It had taken
several messages explaining I knew I’d been wrong, taking
responsibility, and groveling before she’d answered my
questions about Mercy. The first few days when I’d asked
how she was all I’d gotten back was, she’s fine. After day
five she gave me a little more, telling me Mercy’d gone
back to the doctor and everything was healing the way it
should and she’d start physical therapy in another week.
I planned on being there for those appointments. When
I’d told Tuesday as much, she’d laughed, or I assumed she
did by the number of laughing emojis she’d sent along with
a, good luck with that, pal. I’d like to think I didn’t need
luck. I had unwavering love on my side, but the truth was I
need it. A whole lotta luck, actually. Mercy hadn’t returned
any of my calls or text messages. Once I’d filled her
voicemail with enough I’m sorrys to fill the pages of War
and Peace with liberal amounts of I was so wrong thrown
in, I was left with only text messages as a way to
communicate. Which was fine. She never answered, but she
was reading them. Every morning I made sure she knew I
was thinking about her and every night I told her my
dreams would be filled with her in my arms. And that was
the truth. Each night, I’d dreamt of her. There were no
more nightmares about her being ripped from my life or
dying in my arms. My sleep was peaceful. The two of us
were together. Now if I could convince her to give me a
second chance, I wouldn’t have to dream about it.
“Yo!” my dad called from my front door. “We’re here.”
“Kitchen,” I answered.
“What are you doing?” my mom asked when she and my
dad came around the corner.
“Packing.”
“I see that. Why?”
“Sold the house.” My dad’s smile told me he was proud.
My mom’s quick inhale told me she was shocked. “I got
lucky. I was talking to Tito on the drive to the hospital. I
mentioned that I wanted to dump this place. Don’t even
remember why we were talking about it. I was a mess and
he was trying to keep me occupied. Anyway, seems
someone was looking out for me, because Tito’s aunt and
uncle wanted to move down to Georgia from Maryland but
they couldn’t find a place they liked in their price range.
They liked the house, so I made it fit their budget. The
inspection still has to go through, but they want it by the
end of the month. I want to be out by this weekend.”
“This weekend? That’s in two days, Jason,” my mom
noted.
“Yep.”
My dad had remained quiet, but I knew he understood. I
couldn’t go after Mercy while still living in what he called a
“pit of gloom.” It was time I unpacked my baggage before it
cost me more than I was willing to pay.
“Why the rush?”
“A wise man once told me it was time to open the
curtains and let the sun shine in. I can’t do that while living
here. There are too many memories. Most of them are
good. But the ones that are bad are crushing. It’s time to
move on.”
Dad pulled my crying mom into his arms. She fit
perfectly. After all these years and five kids later, they were
still amazing together. They’d grown closer, their love was
consuming, and my dad still looked at Emily Walker like she
was going to be his last meal. And when my mom looked at
my dad with her soft eyes and wonky smile, I knew she felt
the same way. As a son, it grossed me out, as a man, there
was nothing I wanted more.
Forever love.
I wanted that. By the grace of God, I’d found Mercy.
Then I’d carelessly tossed the love she’d given me back in
her face. All I needed was one more chance, and selling
this house was the first step.
“What do you need from us, Bud.”
There it was, Dad offering to do anything I needed him
to do to help me.
“I’m renting a one-bedroom apartment. I don’t need
most of this crap anymore and I don’t want a storage unit.
Mom, I was thinking you may know someone who’d want
the furniture in the guest room. All I’m taking is my living
room and bedroom.”
“Why are you renting? There are plenty—”
“Em, baby, he’s not planning on staying in the apartment
for long.”
“Oh.” My mom directed one of her bright mom smiles in
my direction. “Well, yeah, there are plenty of women at the
shelter who could really use whatever you wanted to give.”
 My mom and aunts all volunteered at a battered
women’s shelter. I wanted my stuff to go to them. My dad,
uncles, my cousins, Ethan, Nick, Carter, Jackson, and I all
taught self-defense there as well.
“Great. Maybe Uncle Levi, Uncle—”
“You know everyone will help,” my dad cut me off.
“When would you like them here?”
“Saturday morning?”
“We’ll be here,” he promised.
“I’ll bring your sisters and aunts over. We can get the
stuff ready for the shelter and get the house clean.”
“You don’t need to clean, Mama, I’ll hire someone.”
“No, you won’t.” My mom stopped to gather her
emotions. “The family will do it.”
Family. The people I’d shut out over the last two years.
“Thank you.”
“No need to thank us, son. I’m proud of you.”
“Proud? I’ve done nothing but screw up and push
everyone away. There’s nothing to be proud of.”
“Son, life is all about failures and lessons. If you’re not
failing, you’re not dreaming big enough. If you’re not
messing up and letting down the people you love, then
you’re not living. And if you’re not letting yourself down,
you’re not learning. No one’s perfect. Not your dad, not
you, not your sisters, and God knows I’m not. It’s all about
what you do with the hurt you caused. That’s the sign of
true remorse and growth. Are you self-aware enough to
recognize your short comings and do you have the strength
to own them and fix them? The great part about our family
is while we all have our own lives, our own branches, we
are bound together by our roots. They are solid, son,
unbreakable. We’ve given you the foundation you need to
dream and learn and fail. We expect the bumps in the road.
No one ever said your path would be without potholes.”
My mom was right, she always was. It’d taken me into
my twenties to realize that when Emily Walker told you
something, you’d better listen. If she gave you advice, it
was spot on. And if my mom said our family was solid, even
after I’d screwed up, then it was.
“What are these?” My dad had picked up the separation
agreement off the counter before I could stop him. “Why do
you still have this?”
It was bad enough telling Mercy I still had those
documents and that I’d used them as a way to feed my guilt
over the years. I really didn’t want to tell my mom and dad.
“I actually was getting ready to throw them away.”
I wasn’t going to explain to him I didn’t need them
anymore.
He handed me the papers and I glanced down at them.
The agreement was out of order, the signature page was on
the top instead of the bottom. I stared at Kayla’s pretty
script and thought it was much like her. Sweet, flowy, and
innocent. Nothing like the fiery woman Mercy was. I waited
for the normal guilt to hit at comparing the two women, but
it was absent. I wasn’t comparing, I was merely making an
observation. With my hands on the top of the papers I
ripped them down the middle. Turning them, I ripped them
again into fourths.
That was it.
I opened the lid of the trash can and threw them away.
No anxiety, no trepidation, no fanfare. Nothing. Not even
relief or a sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders.
I didn’t feel a goddamn thing about throwing away the
separation agreement. And, if I was being honest, it was
kind of annoying. I’d thought there’d be something.
Anything. Not the utter indifference I was feeling.
“There’s nothing to feel, Bud.”
“Huh?” Had I said something out loud?
“Bud, your confusion is written clear as day all over your
face. You feel nothing, because there is nothing to feel. You
started the process, did the work, and you already know
everything you needed to know about your marriage to
Kayla. Those papers you just threw away are meaningless.
They don’t tell your story. The relationship you had with
Kayla could never have been transcribed onto paper. You
know what she meant to you, and you’ve always known
what you meant to her.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just thought—”
“We know what you thought, son. The friendship you
had with her will always be with you. And it should. But the
rest? It’s in the past. And you can’t move forward if you’re
stuck rehashing old shit.”
My dad chuckled like he always did when Mom cursed.
It wasn’t often she did, but when she did, especially when
she dropped an F-bomb the house came to a standstill.
“Have anything for us to do for you today?” Mom asked.
“No, I just wanted to talk.” Mom smiled and I vowed this
would be the last time I saw tears in her eyes because of
me. “Thanks for coming over.”
“How’s Mercy?”
“Tuesday says she’s doing okay. Her doctor’s
appointment went well.”
“Any word from her?”
“Nope.” I smiled.
“She’s a tough one, that’s for sure. Fits right in with the
rest of the women in the family.”
“Damn right, she does.”
“When are you planning on seeing her?”
“Sunday.”
“Jason, how are you going to see her if she won’t even
talk to you?” Mom asked.
“Really, Mom? I warned her I was coming for her. What
more notice does she need?”
“Men are nuts. All of you are.” She shook her head, but
her smile told me I was doing the right thing.
“Perfect timing. Barbeque at Nick and Meadow’s in two
weeks. They have news to share. And Ethan said he and
Honor have an announcement, too. Mercy will be there,
right?”
“Damn right, she will be.”
“Good luck, son.” Mom patted my shoulder and turned
to my dad. “Come on, Jasper, take me home.”
“With pleasure.”
“La-la-la, not in my house. Swear to—”
“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain.” Mom stopped me.
“Seriously. You were just telling Dad to take you home,
making kissy faces at him, and you’re worried about me
cursing?”
“I’m a fifty-year-old woman. I don’t make kissy faces.”
“Like hell you don’t, woman. You were making—”
“Out. Both of you. Leave. Talk about this in the car. Or
outside. Pretty much anywhere but in front of me.”
My dad laughed, and my mom smiled so big my heart
melted.
That was what I wanted—what my parents had. And
nothing was going to stop me and Mercy from having it.
 34

“I ’m getting a new phone,” I announced.

“Why? You only got that one like a year ago,”
Tuesday questioned.
“New phone number,” I corrected.
Tuesday’s smirk told me she was up to something.
“Why are you smiling?”
“No reason.”
“Bullshit. I know you. Spit it out.”
“I just think it’s amusing you’re complaining the man
you love is blowing up your phone when I can’t even find a
man I want to eat more than one meal with, let alone have
sex with. And let’s not even talk about men who are
relationship material. There are none out there. But you?
You have a great guy banging down your door and you’re
too stubborn to hear him out.”
“He crushed me.”
“He did. But do you know why?”
“Why? Whose side are you on?”
“Yours. Always yours. Especially about this. I want you
to be happy. I think you need to hear him out. He knows
what he did.”
“What?” Tuesday’s hand flew to her face and she
covered her mouth. My eyes narrowed, causing her to step
back. “Tuesday? What did you do? Have you been talking to
him?”
“Kinda.”
What the fuck? My best friend in the entire world was
consorting with the enemy? How could she do this to me?
“There’s no kinda. Either you are or you aren’t.”
“When you wouldn’t answer his calls or texts, he started
blowing up my phone. I ignored the first five thousand.”
“Five thousand?”
“Okay, that’s an exaggeration. It was more like ten or
fifteen. All he wanted to know was if you were okay. That
was it. I told him to fuck off, but he refused to stop pushing.
Then he told me why he left. And he knows what he did was
wrong and all he wants is the chance to tell you.”
“So he wants me to give him the courtesy he wouldn’t
give me?”
“Yes.”
Was she living on a different planet?
“And that’s fair how?”
“It’s totally not.” I wanted to throw my hands up in
exasperation. Why the hell are we arguing about this if she
agrees it wasn’t fair. “But, Mercy, you need to ask yourself,
do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, Jason fucked up. He knows it, you know it, I
know it, every-fucking-body knows it. So do you want to
hold onto what’s fair or do you want to be happy? Do you
want to punish him, in turn punishing yourself, or do you
want to be happy? Do you want to be as stubborn as you
can be and continue to shut him out because he did it to
you, or do you want to hear him out and let him fix what he
broke? Because I’m telling you, that man loves you, and
one day you’re going to regret not hearing him out.”
I should’ve been really pissed at my friend. She’d gone
behind my back and talked to Jason. Even if it was through
texts, she’d communicated with him knowing he’d broken
my heart.
“Why’d you talk to him?”
“Because I knew you’d do the same for me.”
“What?”
“You’d try and stop me if you thought I was making a
mistake.”
That was true. I would.
“So you think me shutting Jason out is a mistake?”
“An epic one.”
“And if it’s not? And he does it to me again. Only this
time it’s years from now when I’m so tangled in him I can’t
find my way out?”
“It won’t happen.”
“How can you know that, Tuesday? I talk a big game
about how tough I am. Just move on. Close the boxes up
nice and tight and never look back. But you know me. You
know how badly I hurt. How hard it is for me. Each time I
move on from something bad, it takes another bite out of
my sanity.”
“I know things you don’t about what Jason’s been doing.
That’s how I know. But, say you’re right. Say, ten years
from now he walks. Then we pick you up, dust you off, and
move on. The Mercy James I know does not let fear rule her
life. And that’s what you’re doing.” Before I could speak,
she continued, “Oh, and I forgot, if Jason ever screws you
over, we buy a pig farm in Montana and a wood chipper.”
“What do you know?” I asked, ignoring her murder plot.
“Nope. He needs to be the one to tell you.”
“That’s not—” My phone chirped with an incoming text,
pulling me from the conversation. I dragged it out of my
back pocket and checked the notification.
Jason.
It was the middle of the afternoon. Not his normal time
of day to message me. I got a good morning text and a
goodnight text. It was in those messages he told me how
much he missed me. Little stuff about what was going on
around the office. He’d even kept me up to date about
Delaney. He obviously didn’t know she and I spoke daily.
JASON: I was wondering if I could take you on a date
Sunday?
“What does it say?”
“What? Like you don’t know?” I snarked. “Sorry, that
was a little bitchy. He’s asking me on a date.”
“A date?” Tuesday’s surprise told me she had no idea
about his plans.
“On Sunday.”
“Are you going to answer?”
“I need to think about it.”
“Fair enough. I’m running home to get my mail. Do you
want anything while I’m out?”
“Ice cream?”
“Got it.”
Tuesday grabbed her purse and headed for the door. I
plopped down on the couch, suddenly exhausted even
though I’d done exactly nothing all day. I couldn’t stop
thinking about what Tuesday had said. Was I being
stubborn? Of course I was, but I was doing it to protect
myself. My heart hurt. I never wanted to feel this way
again. Though even after a few weeks, it hadn’t gotten any
better. Ugh!
My hands scrubbed over my healing face, and I
remembered what Jason told me in the hospital. At the time
I’d thought he’d had a look of determination as he left the
room. What if I’d been wrong? Had it been love? What if I’d
been wrong by not hearing him out? What if I was missing
out on the best thing in my life? All these damn what-ifs.
Guess there was only one way to find out.
ME: Sure. What time?
 35

S weet Jesus, she texted me back.

I stared at her short and to the point message for
what felt like an hour before I could get my fingers
to type. I hadn’t expected her to respond. I’d thought I’d
have to ask her at least ten more times before she
answered. Hell, I was expecting to have to go to her house
and ask her in person. Now that she’d messaged me, I
wasn’t sure what to send back.
Thanks for answering? What, did I want to sound
desperate? Was eight a.m. too early for a date? What the
fuck was wrong with me? I was behaving like an idiot.
ME: Is three okay? I’ll pick you up.
MERCY: Three’s fine. What should I wear?
Nothing!
ME: Casual.
MERCY: See you then.
What now? Should I text back and say thank you? Tell
her I miss her so damn bad I’d be counting down the hours.
I needed to get a grip. Mercy made me lose my mind and
act like a teenage boy going on his first car date.
ME: See ya.
My phone rang, flashing Carter’s name. Great. I didn’t
think this call was going to go well.
 “Hey, man, you stateside?”
“No. I got an urgent message from my dad to call home,
but he’s not answering. Thought I’d call you. He said it was
about Delaney.”
“Did you try her?”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “Straight to voicemail.”
“She ran into some trouble . . .” I told Carter all about
my investigation, Delaney following Lowe, his arrest, and
all the way to the bloody end.
“Please tell me you’re fucking with me.”
“’Fraid not.”
“You’re telling me this Lowe fuck took my woman and
hit her?”
His woman? Jesus. The two of them were going to be the
death of me.
“So, you finally pulled your head out of your ass and
you’re claiming my sister?”
“What?”
“You said, my woman. That mean you finally got your
shit sorted?” My question was met with silence. “Yeah,
that’s what I thought. Delaney’s bruises are fading. But,
man, there’s something broken in her, and she will not
share. It can’t be what she saw, because thankfully, she was
unconscious when Mercy blew the fucker’s head off. She’s
not uttering a word to anyone, the only thing she does say
is she’s fine.”
“Fuckin’ Walkers. Stubborn to the core.”
“That’s rich coming from you, friend. My sister has loved
you her entire adult life. Yet you push her away because
you’re too pig-headed to take what she’s offering you. I’m
telling you, she needs you. If you ever loved her, you’ll find
a way to get your ass to her as soon as you’re home.”
“Man, that could be another month.” If he didn’t sound
so defeated and miserable, I’d tell him to screw off and
leave Delaney alone.
 “Then we’ll see you in a month. But I’m telling you, it’s
time. You’ve danced around long enough. It will kill her, but
if you don’t want her the way she wants you, rip the scab
off and let her move on.”
“She’s the only woman I’ll ever love. I just—” His
statement was cut off by a loud shouting “Hey, I gotta run.”
“Stay safe.”
“Tell her . . . fuck. Just tell her I’ll be there when I can.”
The line went dead and I prayed to all things holy and
good my cousin would be safe, wherever he was.

T HE DRIVE to Mercy’s was short but the wait had been long.
Even moving all day yesterday and unpacking well into the
night hadn’t made the day go by any faster. We took a load
to my new apartment and dropped it off before going back
to the house to pick up the rest of the furniture I no longer
needed and delivered it to a woman and her two children.
No one had said a thing about me moving into an
apartment, and when I’d gotten each of my aunts and
uncles alone to apologize, they’d each waved me off and
told me I was being ridiculous. Everyone except my Uncle
Levi. He’d given me some pointers on how to win back
Mercy. He’d reminded me of the begging he’d had to do
when he’d screwed up with my Aunt Blake. Apparently, all
the men in my family had pulled a bone headed move at
least once in their lives, luckily all the women in my family
knew how to forgive. But not before they’d cut my uncles
down to size and showed them the error of their ways. I
didn’t need Mercy to tell me I’d screwed up, I knew I had. I
only needed her to give me another chance.
Surprisingly, when I pulled into Mercy’s neighborhood I
wasn’t as nervous as I’d thought I’d be. I couldn’t wait to
see her pretty face and great smile. That’s if she did smile.
She might give me dirty looks all night. It had been far too
long since I’d laid eyes on her, and even longer since I’d
had her in my arms. There wasn’t a single thing I didn’t
miss about her. I pulled into her driveway and prayed she’d
forgive me, if not today, one day soon.
I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I couldn’t. Nothing in
my life felt right without her in it.
 36

W hy had I told Tuesday I didn’t need her to wait

around until Jason showed up? He was knocking
on the door and I was in a jam. Damn, I was
stupid. Tuesday had helped me dress before she’d left, but,
of course, after obsessing over my shirt I decided to change
it. Getting it off was easy, all I had to do was unbutton it.
The new shirt I’d picked out didn’t have buttons. It was a
cute tunic that went great with my jeans and boots. But
now I was stuck up shit’s creek with no paddle in sight.
“Come in!” I yelled from the hallway.
I heard the door open and close before Jason called out.
“Hey.”
“Sorry. I’m running a few minutes late. Make yourself at
home.”
Wait! Did I want him to make himself comfortable? This
was just a date. One date to hear him out, not a rekindling.
Fuck it. I didn’t have time to dissect my word choices or the
meaning behind them. I was currently stuck half in, half out
of one of my favorite tops. Too far in to abort and take it off,
not even close enough to being presentable. I was going to
be really pissed if I had to cut it off to free myself.
“Take your time.”
 Yeah, I wasn’t sure time would do me any good. I could
move my arm enough to push it through the sleeve, but I’d
forced it and now it hurt like a motherfucker to try and pull
it back out. I was literally tangled in the fabric.
Gritting my teeth, I tried to push my arm through.
Nothing. I couldn’t do it.
“Oh, for fuck sakes,” I mumbled.
“Are you okay?”
“Peachy.”
“You don’t sound peachy. Do you need any help?”
Why did his voice sound so close? Please, God, do not let
him be in my room. Nope. Just standing in the doorway.
Double peachy! Well, now that he’d see me, I turned to face
him.
“I’m stuck.”
“I can see that.”
“Well? Are you going to help me?”
“Would you like me to?” I wanted to punch him he
looked so damn sexy and smug at the same time.
“Yes,” I snapped.
He stepped farther into my room but left a respectable
bit of distance between us. I wasn’t sure if I was happy
about that or if my heart broke a little more. Jason had
never given me space. He was always touching me in some
way. Yes, I should’ve been happy he was staying away. If he
was closer it would muddle my brain, and I needed to think
clearly.
“Would you like it on or off?”
Oh my God, this was so embarrassing.
“I don’t know.”
“Explain to me what’s going on.”
I told him how I’d gotten stuck and now it hurt too badly
to move. Instead of laughing at me like I thought he would,
his face was enraged.
“Are you mad . . . at me?” I asked through gritted teeth.
 Not only was my shoulder on fire but my neck was
starting to ache from the awkward angle it was trapped in.
“No, Mercy. I’m pissed at the circumstance. I’m pissed
you’re hurting. And I’m really fucking pissed at Derek
Lowe.” He stepped closer, gathering the hem of my shirt in
his hands. “Is this the shirt you want to wear?”
“Yeah.”
He gingerly bent my arm past where I could bend it
myself and pulled the sleeve down. It felt like Jason was
dressing a toddler. And the child was me. Once the shirt
was clear of my bandages, he smoothed it down covering
my stomach.
“There. Is that all right?”
“Yes, thank you.”
My right hand went to my left elbow, and I held my arm
close to my body, waiting for the pain to subside.
“Do you have pain pills to help with that?” He gestured
to my arm.
“I do, but I’m taking Tylenol and Motrin instead.”
“If you’re in pain why the hell aren’t you taking your
meds?”
“First, I don’t like the way they make me feel, and,
second, I know how addictive they are.”
“Mercy—”
“I’m fine. The acetaminophen and ibuprofen work
enough to dull the pain. Now are we going to stand around
all day discussing my choice of pain relief or are we going
out?”
I could tell he was contemplating what to do with me. If
he kept pushing, I wasn’t going to be happy. I didn’t like to
be handled. I knew my body and I wasn’t going to take
anything stronger than what I was currently using.
“Are you up for it?”
“As long as it’s not anything strenuous, I’ll be fine.” His
assessing gaze turned into a smirk, and it didn’t take a
genius to know what he was thinking. “Like rope climbing
or bungee cord jumping,” I quickly added.
“No, nothing like that.”
He turned and left my room. I silently followed him,
grabbing my purse and turning off lights as we went. He
opened the front door, and when I was clear of it, he turned
and locked up the house using his key. Damn. I’d forgotten
I’d given him that. Should I ask for it back? He made no
offer to give it to me as we walked to his car. He helped me
into the passenger side and rounded the hood. His long,
powerful strides were as confident as they’d always been.
What was I doing? Why was I watching the way he walked?
Hell, why had I agreed to a date? I’d thought I could handle
this, be close to him and not react. But it hurt worse than I
thought it would to be right next to him and not touch him.
Hold his hand, feel his arms around me, or his lips on mine.
Why couldn’t I stop thinking about how much I’d missed
him? It wasn’t even the sex I missed, though my body
disagreed, I yearned to feel him wrapped around me at
night. Talking to him. Hearing about his family. His voice in
general. And I really wished I could hear his laugh.
No, this was not a good idea. Nothing about sitting next
to Jason was fun. It was torture. And the longer I was in his
presence the more I thought an afternoon of water
boarding would be more pleasant.
“You’re thinking awfully hard over there. Is your
shoulder okay?”
Shit. I had to blink a few times before I noticed we were
already out of my neighborhood.
“It’s okay, a little sore.” Letting him think my shoulder
was what was bothering me was my best course of action.
No good would come from him knowing the truth.
Whatever the truth was at that point, I wasn’t sure. “Where
are we going?”
“My house.”
 Red alert! Red alert! Warning bells were going off. I
didn’t think being alone with him was all that great of a
plan. But going to his house? The place he’d admitted he
didn’t like. The one he’d shared with Kayla—that was low.
Why in the hell would he take me there?
“Aren’t we going the wrong way?” Just because I’d never
been to his home didn’t mean I didn’t know where he lived.
And we were going in the wrong direction.
“No.”
Great. The old Jason was back. The one I’d first met.
One-word, short, clipped answers.
“Why are you mad?”
“Because I fucked up so badly with you, you’re sitting
over there worrying your lip, thinking of all the reasons you
don’t want to be in a car with me. You’re nervous about
going to my house and being alone with me. All of that is
my fault. And I’m mad as hell at myself.”
There was nothing to say to that. He was right, it was
his fault, and I had been thinking those things. An awkward
silence stretched until he pulled into an apartment
complex.
“Where are we?”
“My house.”
“This isn’t your house,” I noted, looking at the shitty
apartment complex in front of us.
“It is now.”
What the hell did that mean? He was out of the car and
rounding the hood to my side before my brain could even
formulate a response.
I was too busy taking in the unkempt exterior of the
complex to engage in conversation. The worn brick façade
had green mold in places, there was no landscaping to
speak of. Thankfully, he lived on the bottom floor, because
the stairs in front of us looked like they were one more
climb away from crumbling.
 He opened his door and my eyes swung to him. “You
can’t live here. This place is a shithole.” Jason chuckled but
didn’t comment as he ushered me into the apartment. “You
have money trouble?”
I knew how much money Jason made. We both worked
for the federal government, our salaries were based on the
Federal Wage System. With his time at the DEA he made
more than me, and I could afford ten times what the rent
would be for this place.
“No,” he answered.
“What happened to your house?”
“Sold it.”
Sold it? What the hell? How does someone sell their
house that quickly? Unless he’d had it on the market while
we were together and he hadn’t told me. That thought
bothered me.
“What?”
“I sold it. The new owners take possession at the end of
the month.”
I looked around the small, cramped space. His nice
furniture looked obscenely out of place. There wasn’t even
room for a kitchen table. His couch and entertainment
system took up too much of the space. A match-box sized
kitchen, with a fridge that looked half the size of a regular
one, was outdated and ugly. I turned and looked through
the open door to the other side of the room. A bedroom. I
searched the walls for another door but there wasn’t one.
Guests would have to go through his bedroom to use the
bathroom? What kind of shittastic floorplan was that?
“Was this all you had in your house?”
“Nope. I gave the rest of it away.”
“Gave it away? Why?”
“Don’t need it where I’m going.”
Going? Oh, shit. Was he moving? Was that why I was
here? Was he going to tell me he’d been transferred? I
could barely swallow past the lump in my throat. I’d never
considered he’d leave the area. He couldn’t. His family was
here. I was here, dammit. He would never leave his family,
but they’d been somewhat strained over the last few years.
Maybe this was his way of making a clean break. And we
weren’t together, he didn’t owe me anything. If that was
the case then why did I feel a little sick at the thought of
not seeing him?
“Why did you sell your house?”
“Leave it to you to jump straight to the heavy stuff. Let’s
sit down. Would you like something to drink?”
What did that mean? Why was asking why he’d sold his
house a heavy question? People bought and sold houses
every day.
“No, thanks. I’m fine.”
I sat on his brown, leather couch and was taken by
surprise by how comfortable it was. It was the type of sofa
that beckoned you to lay on it with a fluffy blanket. Much
nicer than mine. Reminding me, again, that his expensive
furniture didn’t belong here.
“I sold the house,” he started, getting comfortable next
to me. “For a lot of reasons. Being with you taught me a lot
of things. One was I was holding onto the house for the
wrong reasons. I was using it as a way to punish myself. I
was hiding behind the walls, thinking the misery it
provided was what I deserved. Then I got to know you. You
taught me how to live again, how to love, and when I
fucked up and lost you, going back to that house felt
wrong.”
“Wrong?”
“All wrong. I was going back in time. When what I
needed to be doing was moving forward. So I sold it.”
“Just like that?”
“No. Not just like that. I’d been thinking about selling it.
I knew it had to go. The only time I felt like I was really
home was when I was with you, at your house with you in
my arms. That place meant nothing to me. I also knew that
if I didn’t get rid of it, I’d lose you for good. And I’m not
willing to let you go.”
“Why’d you leave me?”
Jason looked like I’d slapped him, his body physically
jolted at my question.
“Before I explain why, I have to tell you a few things. I’ve
told you about my relationship with Kayla. There is no easy
way to talk to you about this so I’m just going to give it all
to you and hope you understand. She was my first love.
When we got married, it was good between us. There
wasn’t a person who met her that didn’t think she was
sweet and kind. And it didn’t bother me she needed me to
protect her soft spot. You know what happened after she
got sick. Our lives shifted in every way. She didn’t look at
me as her husband anymore. This is what I’ve struggled
with. What did I do wrong? My dad actually pointed
something out to me. There was never any passion between
us. No lust-filled spark. In all the years I was with her, even
as a young man, I never looked at her and thought I’d die if
I didn’t have her right then and there.” Jason stopped and
shook his head. “That really makes me sound like a dick. I
looked at her as someone I was responsible for. Someone
who was to be treated with kid gloves. That realization
fucked with my head. But she never felt that way about me
either. Never had she looked at me like I was the man that
did it for her. I’ve been walking around with so much guilt
coiled in my stomach, it was paralyzing. But I didn’t do
anything wrong and neither did she. We were too young.
And maybe the only good thing about it was I had a really
great friend in her and she had someone who would protect
her.”
“I’m glad you’ve let that go. You needed to. And I don’t
think you’re a dick for feeling the way you do. You were
kind and gentle with her. You stood by her when, I’m sure,
she was scared to death. You did the best you could. You
were a good friend to her.”
 “I’d like to think I did. Now that brings us to you. I
noticed you the first day you transferred to Georgia. I
thought you were gorgeous. But I was married. Then I
worked with you and I was so impressed by the way you
handled yourself, how tough you were, great instincts,
wicked smart. But I was married. So I did the only thing I
could do. I stayed away from you. I actively and
purposefully avoided working any cases that would involve
you. It was the right thing for me to do.
“I never cheated on Kayla. Never looked at a woman and
thought about what it would be like to be with her. But
there was something different about you, and I knew I
needed to stay away. And I was right. We’re explosive. You
draw me in, weave yourself around my heart, and make me
want to lose myself. Every time I lay eyes on you I want to
wrap you up and protect you. But, at the same time, I want
you next to me when I’m working a case. I trust your
judgement, your abilities, and your skill to have my back.
My perfect partner, both on the job and off.”
“Thank you.”
It meant the world to me he trusted me as an agent. It
was important to me he viewed me as an equal.
“But when we’re home, and you catch fire, there’s no
containing the passion I feel for you. And I’m not
comparing here, but I realized that was what was missing
before. The absolute need I have for you. It’s killing me
being this close to you and not being allowed to touch you,
to kiss you, to lay you back and feel you wrapped around
me. It’s lust and desire and love and necessity all rolled
together. It’s overwhelming and powerful. I love you so
damn much it hurts. Physical, aching pain that I can’t begin
to describe.” I didn’t need him to. I felt the exact same
thing he was feeling. “So when I came into the bathroom
and saw you giving yourself an injection, I lost my mind. I
couldn’t hear anything you were saying because I was
already so deep in my head, your voice was muffled. All I
could think about was if I ever lost you, I’d give up. I
wouldn’t be able to move on.”
“So you left me? That doesn’t make sense. You were
afraid of losing me but you threw away everything we had.”
“There’s more than one way to lose someone, Mercy.
Losing you to a sickness would be crippling. But what if you
lost that spark in your eyes, or the passion, or your need for
me? What if all of it went away, and all you saw when you
looked at me was a friend?” He spat out the word like it
tasted dirty. “What if I lost that part of you? In that moment
my head was so fucked-up I couldn’t think straight. I
couldn’t tell you my fears. I couldn’t tell you I was so
scared all I wanted to do was run away like a coward
because if you ever stopped loving me the way I love you it
would kill me.”
“You hurt me, Jason,” I admitted.
I understood why he’d left. I think I’d known all along
why he’d run out. It wasn’t that hard to figure out why he’d
freaked when he thought I was sick. But it was the way
he’d handled it. He walked out on me. If he’d stayed and
told me everything he’d just told me, we would’ve been
fine. Now I was left with distrust. Would he do it to me
again? That was the million-dollar question.
“I know I did. I’m so fucking sorry. And I know I’m
asking a lot but I’d like the chance to prove to you it will
never happen again.”
“I don’t know. What happens the next time you freak
out?”
“I won’t ever leave you again. I swear.”
“But if you get freaked—”
“I will not ever leave you again.”
I couldn’t believe I was considering this. But what was
my alternative? Tuesday was right, I’d always regret not
giving him a second chance. I’d be living half a life. All
because I was too afraid to let him in.
“Where are your separation papers?”
 I loved Jason and wanted to be with him, but I wasn’t
stupid. If we were going to give this another shot, I needed
to know a few things.
“Ripped them up and threw them away.”
Wow. I was actually surprised. I figured he’d have to
work up to letting certain things go. His separation
agreement was the one I’d thought he’d have the most
trouble with. He’d used those documents as a way to inflict
pain on himself for a long time.
“I want kids, Jason.”
“So do I.”
“And if I want to continue working after we have them?”
“Then you’d work.”
“And if I wanted to quit and stay home with them?”
“Then I’d be thrilled as hell you were staying home.”
“If I wanted you to quit and take care of the kids?”
“I’d quit. Go to work at my dad’s company and take the
kids to work with me there.”
“You can’t take kids to work with you.”
“My dad and uncles own the company. I could do
anything I wanted. And you’re forgetting our kids would be
his grandkids. He’d be pissed if they didn’t go to work with
me.”
I was trying to think up more questions to ask him that
would freak him out, kids and marriage were normally the
big ones. He was fine with kids.
“You know, I have to give myself an injection once a
month.”
“I know.” I was deep in thought when he reached over
and took both my hands in his. “I love you so much. I
promise you I will never hurt you again.” He slipped off the
couch and was on his knees in front of me. “I’m begging
you for a second chance. Your rules. We’ll go as slow as you
need or we can pick up where we left off. As long as you’re
in my life.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered.
 Decision made. I was getting ready to send up a silent
prayer that I was making the right choice when it hit me. I
didn’t have to pray, I already knew. I believed Jason
wouldn’t run again. He’d given me what I needed—him. His
truth, completely unguarded.
I glanced around his shithole apartment one more time
and smiled. “Why’d you move into this dump?”
“Because I knew I wouldn’t be here long.” Yep. Just what
I’d thought.
“And if I didn’t agree to give you a second chance?”
“Wait. You said agree. You forgive me?” His smile nearly
took my breath away. This was not one of his normal panty-
soakers. This smile was full of boyish marvel. Which made
me wonder if our sons would have that same smile.
“I do. But I’m begging you never to hurt me like that
again. I’m strong, Jason. I can handle a lot, but the one
thing I cannot is losing you. I’ve been in misery.”
“I’m going to make up for every second you hurt.”
“Good. I’m counting on it. You ready to go home? I’m
afraid your nice couch is going to soak up the stink of this
place.”
“Yeah, baby, I’m ready to go home.” He stood and pulled
me up by my good hand. Inches separated us. “I’m gonna
kiss you.”
Our lips touched, and I was lost.
 EPILOGUE

I could finally breathe.

Even though Mercy had forgiven me, and invited
me back into her life, I’d still been on edge. A week
had passed of me babying Mercy and walking on eggshells,
before she tossed a pillow at my head and told me to knock
it off.
Tuesday was a regular at our house. I fucking loved that
—ours. My dad and uncles had helped me move my couch
in and Mercy’s out. When she found out I didn’t have any
furniture in the bedroom, a last minute decision I’d made
the day I’d moved out of my house, she shook her head and
called me cocky. She was wrong. I hadn’t been cocky, I’d
been hopeful. I was willing to do anything I needed to get
back into her good graces. There was no other option.
Mercy was it for me.
Mercy’s cell phone rang, I snagged it off the counter,
expecting it to be Tuesday. She was coming with us today
to the barbeque Nick and Meadow were hosting at their
house. I was surprised when I saw Delaney’s name on the
screen.
“Hey, sis,” I answered.
“Hi. Um. Is Mercy around?”
“She’s in the shower.”
 “Oh.”
Delaney had been acting off since everything went down
with Lowe. But she still refused to talk to anyone about
what was going on with her.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Everything’s fine.”
“Bullshit. I was the king of fine when I was anything but.
Please tell me what’s going on.”
“Really, Jason. I’m okay.” Her voice softened. She was
trying to be reassuring, but the sadness couldn’t be
masked.
“I love you, little sis. I know you’re hurting. I may not
know why, but I can hear it. I wish you’d talk to me.”
“I can’t. I have to get through this on my own. Just give
me some time.”
That was the first time she’d admitted something was
wrong. It was a start. I wanted to push and demand she tell
me. But it wouldn’t do any good.
“I can do that. As long as you know you can tell me
anything. I’ll do whatever you need me to do to help you.”
“I know,” she sighed. “I’ll see you at the barbeque.”
“Do you have a message for Mercy?”
“No. I wanted to see if Tuesday was coming.”
That was a lie, but I wouldn’t call her out on it. “Yeah.
She should be here soon. We’re driving over together.”
“Okay. See ya.”
Delaney’s haste to end the call confirmed she was lying
about her reasons for wanting to talk to Mercy. I knew they
talked frequently but I never asked what they spoke about,
and Mercy never offered. I trusted she was helping my
sister any way she could. At least she was talking to
someone. Even if I wished that someone was me.
“Did I hear my phone? Is Tuesday trying to bail?” Mercy
called from the bedroom.
I entered the room in time to see her drop the towel and
pick up her lotion.
 “Here, let me.” I took the bottle out of her hand and
squeezed a liberal amount into mine. Flowers and mint. A
smell I loved, but liked it even more when it was on Mercy.
I knelt in front of her, starting at her ankles I massaged
the cream into her skin. Working my way up to her calves,
her knees, her thighs. So damn soft. I alternated between
rubbing both legs at once to using both my hands on one
extremity to knead her muscles. I placed a few soft kisses
over her close-trimmed pubic hair, and licked over her clit
for good measure before I grabbed the bottle again.
“You’re such a tease,” she complained.
I worked more lotion over her stomach, up to her perfect
breasts. Taking one pink tip into my mouth I plumped and
squeezed her perky mound before moving to the next.
“You tasted so good.”
“You’re killing me, Jason,” she moaned. “I think I’m—”
My mouth came down on hers cutting off the rest of
what she was going to say. Our tongues mingled, and I
prayed there’d never be another day that went by I didn’t
get to kiss her. I lived for this connection. Missed it when I
was at work and looked forward to having it again when I
was on my way home. With lotion covered hands I finished
manipulating her tits and moved to her ass. My second
favorite part on her body. I worked the rest of the lotion
into her flesh there and when I broke the kiss she was
panting.
“I’ll take care of you when we get home tonight.”
“Promise?”
I stopped myself from answering and thought about my
response. I would never make a promise to Mercy I
couldn’t keep. And I wasn’t sure if I was ready to make love
to her yet. Not because I didn’t want to, but her shoulder
was still healing, and I didn’t want to hurt her.
“I promise I’ll take care of you,” I finally answered.
Her eyes narrowed. “Nope. I want details. How do you
plan on relieving the ache you’ve created?”
 I nuzzled her neck and kissed the soft skin there before I
sucked her earlobe into my mouth. Letting go I answered,
“I plan on lying you on the bed, spreading your sexy thighs
nice and wide before I eat your pussy until you’re
screaming your orgasm.”
“Mmm. That sounds good. What else?”
She was insatiable, and I loved it. She’d let me suck and
lick and torture her body for as long as I liked. If I was
providing orgasms, she was generously offering her flesh.
“I’ll give you as many as you want.”
“I want you. Not your tongue, not your fingers. I want
you inside of me tonight.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I reminded her.
“And I want you to trust me that if I didn’t think I was
ready I’d tell you.”
“I do trust you. I don’t trust myself. I can’t control my
need for you. Something in me snaps when I know you’re
ready to accept me into your body. It’s this primal mating
call that takes over, and all I want to do is consume you,
push you as far as you’ll let me. I want to own you. I’m not
satisfied until you’re a shaking, screaming mess of passion
that’s ready to explode.”
My hands flexed, and my fingertips dug into her firm
backside.
“Please, Jason. You won’t hurt me.”
“Anyone home?” Saved by Tuesday’s loud shout.
“Shit. Close the door,” Mercy whispered.
I was across the room in two strides. “We’ll be right
out,” I called back.
“Oh, goody. I’ll just wait out here while you guys play
hide the sausage.”
“Please tell me she didn’t just say that,” Mercy groaned.
“I don’t see why you have a problem with it. She didn’t
refer to your dick as a sausage.”
Mercy’s giggle turned into an out-and-out belly laugh.
Naked, standing in the middle of our room, she shook with
laughter. Life didn’t get much better than that.

“Y OU SURE YOUR family doesn’t care I’m crashing their

party?” Tuesday asked.
“No. The more the merrier.”
“You haven’t met everyone have you, Mercy?”
“Not everyone. Just Jason’s immediate family and his
uncles,” she answered, reminding me that after she’d
kicked me out of her hospital room my dad and uncles had
gone to check on her.
Mercy was a hero in their eyes. She’d saved Delaney’s
life. Mercy hadn’t read the after-action reports and Delaney
would never know, but Derek Lowe had enough GHL on his
person to kill them both. The police had also found a batch
of tablets in the trunk of his car, along with rope, duct tape,
and an ax. No one will ever know for sure what his
intention was, but it was safe to assume he’d planned on
ending Delaney’s life.
We pulled in front of Nick and Meadow’s house and an
old familiar feeling of happiness slid into place. It felt good
having Mercy by my side. I couldn’t wait to introduce her to
everyone.
“Anything I should know before we go in?” Mercy asked.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Anything. I don’t want to put my foot in
my mouth and have everyone hate me.”
“Nothing you could say would make my family hate
you.”
“If you say so.”
We made our way to the door, I opened it, and had to
stop.
“Do you hear that?”
Loud laughter rang out through the house.
 “Um?”
“I’d forgotten. But thank God, you reminded me.”
Family.
“What are you talking about?”
Before I could explain, Carson ran to the front door,
skidded to a stop, and put her hands on her little hips.
“There you are, Uncle Jason. Mom said I had to wait
until you got here with your girlfriend to eat a cupcake.
You’re like five hours late.” The little girl looked at Mercy,
then Tuesday. “You brought two girlfriends? Is that
allowed?”
“Squirt!”
“What, Daddy? Uncle Jason brought two girls. I’m just
asking.” Carson said to her dad, Ethan.
Tuesday chuckled and Mercy busted into a belly laugh
that had her bending forward.
“I hope that one is your girlfriend, she is pretty and
silly.” Carson pointed to Mercy.
“Hey! I can be silly, too,” Tuesday said.
“Oh my God. I love her.” Mercy stepped forward and
greeted her, “Hi, I’m Mercy. Your Uncle Jason’s girlfriend.
That is my friend, Tuesday.”
“You have a cool name, like my mom. Her name is
Honor,” Carson beamed.
“Why, thank you very much. I like your name, too.”
“Now that we’ve established my daughter likes your
name, I’m Ethan. Nice to meet you.”
“Hi, Ethan.”
My mom came over and started to pull Mercy away but
before she could get very far, I tugged her back to me and
palmed her face, bringing it mere inches from mine. “The
sound? Family. That’s what all this noise is, love and family.
Thank you for giving it back to me.”
“Family. I like that. I never really had one.”
“Now you do. They’re all yours. Your new aunts and
uncles, cousins, cute niece, sisters, and the best set of
parents you could ever need.”
“You’re pretty lucky to have all of them.”
“I am. We are.”
I placed a chaste kiss on her lips and then let my mom
drag her and Tuesday away. Never ending introductions
were made over the next twenty minutes. The whole family
minus my youngest sisters and Carter were there. I
watched Delaney mingle and talk to everyone. She had her
fake smile firmly in place, and I wondered if anyone else
noticed. My eyes locked with my dad’s, and his jaw
clenched. Yep. He saw it, too. Dad had given me two years
before he’d had enough and sat me down for a come-to-
Jesus talk. He wouldn’t wait that long to set his baby girl
straight. I hoped she was getting what she needed from
Mercy.
Nick had asked everyone to come into the living room
for their surprise announcement. I hoped they were going
to announce they were finally going to adopt. Nick’s wife,
Meadow, had been attacked by a vicious serial killer. She
narrowly escaped, but the attack left her unable to have
children. They talked about it a few years back, changed
their minds, thought about a surrogate, and recently I’d
heard they were considering adoption again. My fingers
were crossed they’d come to a definite decision.
Meadow walked down the hall, and Nick asked for
everyone’s attention.
“Thanks for coming. Not that we need an excuse to get
together, but, today, Meadow and I want to share our good
news with you. First, we’ve been keeping secrets from all
of you. And we lied. Last weekend we did not go up to New
York for a weekend getaway. We . . . um . . . shit, sorry.”
Nick swiped his face and everyone looked worried. “We
went to California to be there for the birth of our babies,”
he choked and wiped another tear.
Holy shit. Did he say birth of his babies? Meadow
walked back into the living room holding a tiny bundle in
each arm. I don’t think there was any oxygen left in the
room after the collective gasp.
“We want you to meet our daughter, Ariana, and our son,
Nolan.”
No one moved. No one said a word. Nothing but silence
until my Aunt Reagan’s sob cut through the quiet. I thought
I heard my Uncle Clark clear his throat and sniff a few
times, too.
“Sorry we didn’t tell you before. But we wanted to make
sure the adoption went through and the birth mother didn’t
change her mind at the last minute,” Meadow said. “We
hope none of you are mad.”
“Mad?” My Aunt Reagan asked. “We couldn’t be happier
for you.”
“YAY! More cousins!” Carson shouted and danced
around, cutting the silence.
She pulled off the sweatshirt she was wearing, and
Honor tried to get to her before she got it off, but it was too
late. Everyone was watching the cute little girl running
around in her excitement, therefore, not missing her neon
pink shirt with big white letters across the front.
BIG SISTER
“What?” My Aunt Lily gasped. “Are you—”
“Surprise,” Ethan muttered.
The room broke out in excited cheers, and I wrapped my
arms around Mercy.
“Never a dull moment around here. Soon there will be a
whole new generation of kids invading.”
“Huh?” she mumbled, and I followed her distracted gaze
across the room. Jackson and Tuesday were talking.
Nothing unusual there. He was probably hitting on her.
Then my eyes landed on my sister. She didn’t look happy.
She looked devastated. Shit. I looked around and caught
sight of my dad. He saw it, too. Double shit.
“I need to go talk to Delaney,” Mercy mumbled.
 Before she could walk away, the front door opened.
“What are we celebrating?” Carter asked.
“Is that Carter?” Mercy whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. I have to go get Delaney.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Please trust me. I love you, and if I don’t come back, I’ll
meet you at home. She needs me right now.”
“Okay. I love you, too. Go.”
“Uncle Carter.” Carson bounced to her uncle. “There’s
so much you missed. Uncle Nick and Aunt Meadow have
two babies. And I’m going to be a big sister.”
“Is that right? I’m a new uncle three times over.” He
picked Carson up and spun her around in circles. “Let me
say hi to everyone and then I’ll show you what I brought
back for you.”
“New coins?”
“You know it.”
Carson ran off, not wanting to miss another moment of
the celebration.
“Where’s Delaney?”
“She took off.”
“Fuck. I tried to get here sooner. But shit went sideways
and my team had to stay.”
“Hey, bro. Welcome home.” Ethan came over, cutting off
any further conversation.
“New kid, huh? Congratulations.”
The brothers embraced and clapped each other on the
back.
“I’m gonna talk to Nick.” I excused myself.
There was happiness all around me, but all I could think
about was my sister.
“Mercy go with her?” my dad asked before I could get
through the crowd of family members now hogging the
babies.
 “Yeah. Didn’t tell me what was wrong, just that she was
leaving with Delaney and she’d meet me at home later.”
“Good. Mercy will take care of her.”
“What?” I eyed my dad. Was he seriously trusting Mercy
with his baby girl? No one fucked with the Walker girls.
And no one protected and comforted them like my dad did.
Not even me. And he was handing over care to Mercy. That
was huge.
“I trust Mercy. The two of them have a bond. I don’t
know what went down with Lowe while they were alone
with him in that house. But whatever it was cemented a
deep friendship. Mercy won’t let her fall.”
“No. She won’t.”
“She’s your forever love, Bud. Hold on to her with both
hands and never let go.”
“Thanks for everything. My head was jacked. It’s not
anymore. I know exactly who she is and as soon as I can,
I’m getting my ring on her finger.”
“We got you, Bud. Always.”

T WO WEEKS LATER …
Jackson Clark
“Yo, Jackson, you know that woman?” Brice asked.
I stopped mid-step and looked around. Doctors, nurses,
and volunteers were milling about outside the Autumn
Lakes Nursing Home. The small fire that had started in the
craft room was out before we’d arrived. However, being the
type of facility it was, the fire inspector was inside and still
not allowing the elderly occupants back in until she
deemed it safe. Between the EMTs on scene and the ocean
of people, I had no idea who Brice was talking about.
“Who?”
 “There.” He pointed off to the side of the crowd. A
woman stood next to an old woman sitting in a wheelchair.
Tuesday Knowls.
The woman who’d shot me down and had plagued my
dreams ever since the family barbeque at Nick and
Meadow’s house a few weeks back. The last thing I
should’ve been doing at a family party was lusting after
Mercy’s friend, Tuesday. But she had to be the hottest
woman I’d ever had the pleasure of talking to. Not only was
she beyond beautiful she was wicked funny. We’d spent
most of the time talking and joking around. I couldn’t
remember a time I’d laughed so hard. She had a fast
comeback for everything.
I’d asked her if I could take her out for a drink, and she
basically patted me on my head and called me kiddo. That
had never happened before. She was a few years older than
me, but it wasn’t as if the gap would classify her as a Mrs.
Robinson.
“I take it you know her,” Brice called out as I took off in
Tuesday’s direction.
“Tuesday?”
Her eyes raked over my turnout gear, and I couldn’t
miss the spark when her gaze came back to mine. The
uniform. It did it every time. Normally, it was a turnoff
when a woman’s only interest in me was because I was a
firefighter. When a woman’s first question was about my
uniform, I knew she was a badge bunny and lost interest.
But with Tuesday, I’d take all the help I could get. Hell, I’d
take her on a date wearing my yellow helmet, coat, and
pants if it made her say yes.
“Hi, Jackson. Everything okay in there?”
“Yeah. The staff had the fire out with an extinguisher
before we arrived. Minimal damage and nothing structural.
The inspector is just being cautious.”
“Good.”
 “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your gentleman
caller, dear?” the old woman asked.
“Jeez, Granny. Gentleman caller is a bit dramatic, don’t
you think?” Tuesday laughed. “This is Jackson Clark.
Remember I told you, Mercy and Jason are back together?
Jackson is Jason’s cousin. Jackson, this is my grandmother,
Patricia Knowls.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Knowls.”
“Patricia, please. Or Patty. You may call me either, as
long as you promise to call,” Mrs. Knowls said as she
winked.
Tuesday’s eyes rolled to the heavens, and I laughed
along with the older woman.
“Granny!” Tuesday admonished. Which only made
Patricia’s smile grow.
“What?” Patricia laughed. “At my age I don’t get the
chance to see many good looking men. Especially in
uniform. Had I known our local fire department was full of
hunks I may’ve started a fire myself.”
“You can’t say that. It’s not funny.”
“You’ll have to excuse my granddaughter. She’s a little
wound up today. One little fire and she’s ready to break me
out of this place.”
“You could’ve been hurt.”
The older woman took Tuesday’s hand in hers and
patted it. “I was never in any danger. Like Jackson
explained. The staff had it out in minutes.”
“It was nice seeing you, Jackson. We should let you get
back to work.”
I was being dismissed. Any other time, I’d call her out on
it. But she obviously loved her grandmother and was more
than a little worried about her safety. I’d give her this play,
but her time had officially run out. I eyed the two women;
the family resemblance was uncanny. I bet Patricia had
been stunning when she was Tuesday’s age. And besides,
she was right, I did have to get back to work, though I
didn’t want to leave.
“Yeah. It was nice seeing you, too, Tuesday. Patty, it was
a pleasure, glad you’re safe.”
“Hope to see you soon, young man.”
“Granny!” Tuesday muttered under her breath.
I wasn’t sure when I’d see Patty again, but I was going
to find a way to see Tuesday. Sooner rather than later.

Tuesday and Jackson are next in

Claiming Tuesday
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Riley’s Rebels
 ALSO BY RILEY EWARDS

Romantic Suspense
Gemini Group
Nixon’s Promise
Jameson’s Salvation
Weston’s Treasure
Alec’s Dream
Chasin’s Surrender
Holden’s Resurrection
Jonny’s Redemption
Red Team
Nightstalker
Protecting Olivia
Redeeming Violet
Recovering Ivy
Rescuing Erin
The Gold Team
Brooks
Thaddeus
Kyle
Maximus
Declan
Blue Team
Owen
Gabe
The 707 Freedom Series
Free
Freeing Jasper
Finally Free
Freedom
The Next Generation (707 spinoff)
Saving Meadow
Chasing Honor
Finding Mercy
Claiming Tuesday
Adoring Delaney
Keeping Quinn
Taking Liberty
Triple Canopy
Damaged
Flawed
Imperfect
The Collective
Unbroken
Trust
Standalone
Romancing Rayne
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Riley Edwards is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling author, wife,
and military mom. Riley was born and raised in Los Angeles but now resides on
the east coast with her fantastic husband and children.
Riley writes heart-stopping romance with sexy alpha heroes and even
stronger heroines. Riley's favorite genres to write are romantic suspense and
military romance.

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 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To all of you – the readers: Thank you for picking up this

book and giving me a few hours of your time. Whether this
is the first book of mine you’ve read or you’ve been with me
from the beginning, thank you for your support. It is
because of you I have the coolest job in the world.