What is Anger?

Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals. The experience of anger varies widely; how often anger occurs, how intensely it is felt, and how long it lasts are different for each person. People also vary in how easily they get angry (their anger threshold), as well as how comfortable they are with feeling angry. Some people are always getting angry while others seldom feel angry. Some people are very aware of their anger, while others fail to recognize anger when it occurs. Some experts suggest that the average adult gets angry about once a day and annoyed or peeved about three times a day. Other anger management experts suggest that getting angry fifteen times a day is more likely a realistic average. Regardless of how often we actually experience anger, it is a common and unavoidable emotion. Anger can be constructive or destructive. When well managed, anger or annoyance has very few detrimental health or interpersonal consequences. At its roots, anger is a signal to you that something in your environment isnt right. It captures your attention and motivates you to take action to correct that wrong thing. How you end up handling the anger signal has very important consequences for your overall health and welfare, however. When you express anger, your actions trigger others to become defensive and angry too. Out of control anger alienates friends, co-workers and family members. It also has a clear relationship with health problems and early mortality. Hostile, aggressive anger not only increases your risk for an early death, but also your risk for social isolation, which itself is a major risk factor for serious illness and death. These are but two of many reasons why learning to properly manage anger is a good idea.

Why People Get Angry?

Why do people get angry? Usually it is a sign of a more deep seated emotion. It is a negative emotion like resentment and guilt and it only attracts more negativity. Think about any time you got angry was the outcome ever positive? No, probably not! When we get caught up in negative thinking it is hard to keep things in perspective. In fact our lives directly reflect our perception. If you wake up believing it is going to be an awful day that is exactly how it will turn out. On the other hand positive people rarely get angry. They realize that other peoples opinions are none of their business. They do not believe the world is a bad place and out to get them. If they get cut up in traffic they understand it wasnt personal. If someone else gets angry or swears, they have the problem not us. You get what you expect out of life. If are someone who expects continuous bills and financial hardship; that is what you will receive. On the other hand if you know what you want, you will expect to achieve it. You will work hard, forgive and forget old problems and mistakes and keep your eyes firmly fixed on attaining your goal. And your positive energy will charge through your body knocking all negative emotions firmly on the head. So dont get angry, get over it and get on the positive track. See an energy healer to help get your yin/yang balance sorted and get the energy flowing around your body. You can change your life but you have to take the right path. The first steps will always be the hardest. As Nelson Mandela said resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies. In other words negative emotions like anger and resentment only cause you, the person feeling these emotions, harm.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Controlling Anger before it controls you

These are some important quotes by great entities on anger management: He who, before he leaves his body, learns to surmount the promptings of desire and anger is a saint and is happy. -Bhagavad Gita Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -Gautama Buddha For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind. -Ralph W Emerson Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. - Cherie Carter-Scott An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. - Mahatma Gandhi Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. - Joan Lunden

Anger management is a set of techniques designed to help one cope with anger. The first step to controlling anger issues it to admit there is a problem. Some people have major anger issues but cannot see it. Certainly, something causes the angry feelings to surface. Individuals, who have trouble admitting to their anger and accepting responsibility for their actions, often play the blame game. They wont be able to see they are responsible for their own reaction. The blame is always laid on something or someone else. An external force is always responsible for what is happening. And of course, they are the top candidates for anger management. But unfortunately, they prefer to ignore the signs and continue getting angry. Many people who have anger issues find it demeaning when anger management is suggested. Unable to accept their problem prevents them from seeking the help they require. Sadly, when an angry person does nothing to correct the negative emotions, things are bound to get worse. Without anger management this individual will likely experience loss, loss of their family, loss of their job and loss of their own identity. Anyone who undertakes the challenge of helping an angry friend, must do their best to remind their friend that anger management is merely a tool to get to a more rewarding life, and not a punishment for their actions. The goal of anger management is to help the person develop a degree of control over their negative emotions. It teaches the individual how to free himself from an overwhelming, negative emotion. Anger management allows the person to develop coping skills to prevent anger and to lessen its impact when it occurs. There is a plethora of anger management strategies one can explore. There are programs created specifically to help those with anger issues. These programs are broken down to address different people, kids, teens, adults, couples and families. These anger management programs are in place to teach or help people to work on their anger. Teaching people strategies for working out their problems and controlling their anger are important in anger management. Anger can be a healthy, normal reaction to upsets, unless it is allowed to get out of control and destroy a persons life overall. Not only does the anger destroy the individual but it also impacts everyone and everything around them. Anger

management can give one the ability to turn their life around in a positive direction.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hottempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's

frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactionsfrustration, disappointment, hurtbut not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. Better Communication Angry people tend to jump toand act onconclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your angeror a partner'slet a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If

you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habittry changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a projectlearn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Forgiveness Leads to Anger Management For Healthy Living

The ability to achieve forgiveness and let go of past hurts is one of the most critical challenges many of us face on the road to attaining personal peace and happiness. While it certainly isn't easy, it is absolutely necessary for long-term mental and emotional heath. Forgiveness can be defined as the decision to let go of resentment, anger, and thoughts of revenge as a result of a real, or perceived offense, hurt, or wrongdoing against you. Forgiving someone does not mean denying a person's responsibility for hurting you, nor does it mean minimizing, or justifying the act. It does mean willing to forgive someone without condoning or excusing what they did, and then letting it go. According to Dr. Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness forgiveness is a choice. It is the process of uncovering and letting go of anger, while restoring hope and moving on with life. He writes:
"People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)"

In other words, while there is no question that we have the right to feel resentment and the desire to respond accordingly, we have the ability to make the choice not to. When we do, we refuse to play the role of the victim and we let go of the control and power that the offending person, or situation, has over us. We choose to not allow grudges, hurt or wrongdoings to define our lives.

How can we attain forgiveness and letting go?

Begin by acknowledging what hurt or offended you. While denying the hurtful offence may be the first thing you may want to do, it is best to admit that it happened. Reflect upon it; take note how you reacted, and what it has done to your health and well-being. Be able to articulate what was unacceptable about the situation. Look for a broader perspective on what took place. Make the attempt to understand the other person. Was the offense deliberate, or merely mindless and insensitive? Perhaps the person had no idea they hurt you, or was suffering from something themselves. Did they do it out of selfishness, recklessness, or were there other unknown circumstances at play? Sometimes going through the process of trying to understand the situation sheds new light on the matter and may lessen the hurtful response. It is also possible that you may have been oversensitive at the time. Hurt feelings are invariably subjective. Perhaps you were having a bad day; perhaps they were. If you happen to know the hurtful act was deliberate, vicious and intended to harm you, then you may have to 'reframe' the situation. Reframing is a technique whereby you change the conceptual or emotional viewpoint from which you experience an event and put it in a different context or frame of reference. For instance, there are those who do harm to others thinking it will alleviate their own pain and distress. They lash out regardless of whom they are hurting, or how. Your ability to sort through a hurtful occurrence and put it into a different "framework" will prepare you to begin the process of forgiveness and letting it go. Work through the emotions. As well as acknowledging the event, acknowledge the anger, frustration and myriad emotions, but do not get stuck in them. Practice stress management techniques such as exercise, yoga, deep breathing, guided meditations, or anything else you find soothing and relaxing. Using cognitive strategies like writing in a journal, or talking to a wise friend, or counselor, is also very beneficial.

In recent studies done on forgiveness coping strategies, it was found that men responded positively when it was presented as a challenge to them, and negatively when it involved emotion-focused coping. For women, however, it was found to be positively associated with emotion-focused coping and acceptance, and negatively associated with avoidance. Thus, based on these findings, if you're a man, it is more helpful to approach forgiveness as a challenge, or goal to accomplish. If you're a woman working on acceptance, understanding, and compassion may lead you there more successfully.

The Benefits of Forgiveness and Letting Go

Increased happiness and health with improved functioning of cardiovascular and nervous systems and less overall illnesses Restored positive thoughts, feelings, behaviors and promotes overall psychological well being Increased compassion, understanding and healing Reduced stress, anxiety, depression and chronic pain Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse Ability to function better in career, education, work place Increases hope and optimism for the future

Ultimately, the act of forgiveness releases us from past hurts, memories and enslavement. Alternatively, to not forgive is to surrender oneself to the control of others and allow the present to be consumed by the past. If we choose not to forgive, we subject ourselves to the possibility of carrying anger, bitterness and resentment into future situations and relationships, as well as deprive ourselves of the peace of mind, health and happiness we deserve. In the end, the best revenge is a life well lived!