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When You Quit Trying To Fit In, Great Things Happen by Karen Nimmo On The Couch Medium

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When You Quit Trying


to Fit In, Great Things
Happen
How to be yourself in a world full of
clones.

Karen Nimmo · Follow


Published in On The Couch
4 min read · Oct 31, 2022

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Photo by Rishabh Dharmani on Unsplash

Y ou do you, the saying goes.

It sounds good in theory, but what


does it actually mean?

And how do we go about it in a world


that demands that we fit in, entices us to
follow the same path as everyone else?

From the time we are born, expectations


are laid down. From our parents and
families, from our communities and
cultures, from society.

And — mostly — we buy into them. That’s


because the need to be accepted, and
approved of, is a natural human drive.

Until we start to question what’s going


on. Until we start to pick holes in the
walls enclosing us — even rage at them.
Is this right? Is it fair? the life I want? Is this
really who I am?

In the Beginning, Here’s How It


Goes
Little kids often want to dress
themselves.

So you get this wonderful hotchpotch of


colours, clothes and shoes flung together
— it’s kinda adorable.

But when an adult does it, prepare for


the sideways glances. Er, interesting
taste. Or what’s wrong with him? Where
has she escaped from?

As soon as we notice differences


between ourselves and others (in the
school playground), we begin moulding
ourselves to fit in.

Our clothes, our speech, our


expressions, our physical appearance,
our interests, our behaviour. Familiarity
binds us and helps us to feel secure —
validated.

That’s okay — as long as you remain


happy with it. Trouble is, many don’t.
They don’t want to be clones. They begin
to feel restricted by the ties that bind.
Especially in a world that’s in a constant
state of flux.

If that’s you, if you want to do our own


thing, be who you are, without excuse or
apology, here’s a place to start.

“Be yourself; everyone


else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde

Wear your own skin.


Look, I get this. When we are trying to
find our place and our people we adopt
the trappings of the tribe. The clothes,
the habits, the activities, the values, the
behaviours. We want to look — and be —
the part.

But, at some point, you’ll get tired of


trying to keep up with all that. Take time
to get to know what you truly like to
wear, do, be with and believe in — then
practice them. It takes time to get used
to the feeling of your own skin but, when
you do, you’ll refuse to shed it.

Celebrate your inner madness.


Part of the job of therapy is to help
people delve to the core of who they are.
That takes courage because, up close,
we’re all a little mad — and it needs to be
not hidden, but celebrated.

True individuals are on a mission: they


think beyond themselves. They truly
believe their “thing” can make a huge
contribution to people’s lives. And, very
often, it is that little drop of madness
that ensures they do.

Start trends, don’t follow them.


You still want to be a digital nomad?
Hmmm. Forgive me for saying, but that’s
so last decade.

True individuals don’t follow the masses.


They don’t do “10 hairstyles you should
never have after 40” or “100 movies you
must watch before you die”. They don’t
try to “keep up” or be in the cool group.
Often, they’ll run in the opposite
direction. Mostly, they just do their
thing. As well as they can. And suit up
for wherever it takes them.

As Lady Gaga put it: “So there’s nothing


more provocative than taking a genre
that everybody who’s cool hates — and
then making it cool.”

Reject boredom and follow the spark.


Boredom is simply a sign that you’re not
engaged with the life you have found
yourself in — or even the life you have
built for yourself. Chronic boredom
primes you for depression, too. So don’t
spend your life being sick and tired of
everything. Keep seeking out things that
interest and challenge you. There’s
something out there that will light you
up. Guaranteed.

Let go of the need to please.


No-one wants to wake up when they’re
50 trapped in a job they hate because
they’re still striving to keep their mother
happy. True individuals know there’s no
point in trying to live someone else’s
dream. Or in trying to please others.
They know that not everyone will like
what they do — or even like them. So
they act for themselves, while keeping
the greater good in mind

Stop waiting for the stars to align.


Fear has a nasty habit of turning into
inaction. We’re all a little guilty of
waiting for the right time to act. But
there’s no such thing as the perfect time
to do anything.

You don’t have to be great at something


(or super-experienced or a certain age)
to do it. You don’t have to have
researched the lifeblood out of it. The
timing doesn’t have to be Perfect. You
just have to be curious. So start when
and where you want to — and figure it
out as you go.

One day, when you look back, you’ll see


the stars did line up for you. It won’t be a
perfect formation — far from it — but it’ll
be the galaxy of your life, lived in your
own, unique way.

Thanks for reading! Come join my email list


here if you’d like a regular dose of practical
psychology for everyday life.

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Written by Karen Nimmo


85K Followers · Editor for On The Couch

Clinical psychologist, author of 4 books. Editor of On


the Couch: Practical psychology for health and
happiness. [email protected]

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