H E S S E L B E I N & C O M P A N Y
LEADERSHIP
AND THE ART
OF ACTIVE
LISTENING
H e a th e r R Y oung e r
W
hen we listen to someone, they receive our attention like a gift. When we
hold space for them, asking questions and leading with curiosity, we send
them the message that their voice holds weight and a place of importance in
our heart. It’s worth it, then, to get this listening thing right, because it has the potential
to heal so many of the divisions between us. When you think about it that way, you realize
listening is our most important responsibility.
During the Great Resignation of 2021, workers began leaving their jobs, in part because
they hadn’t felt heard for a long time. Next, they resorted to “quiet quitting”—remaining
in their jobs, but with little motivation to do the work their role required because those
they looked to for leadership failed to recognize their extra efforts in any definitive way
and on a consistent basis. Make no mistake, customers are also quietly quitting until they
find another partner who takes their real needs into consideration by listening to them.
Merriam-Webster defines the verb listen this way: “To hear something with thoughtful
attention: give consideration.”
The American Psychological Association’s definition of active listening is “a
psychotherapeutic technique in which the therapist listens to a client closely, asking
questions as needed, in order to fully understand the content of the message and the depth
of the client’s emotion.”
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While I think these definitions highlight important
elements of active listening, they also fall short.
The premise of my new book The Art of Active
Listening: How People at Work Feel Heard, Valued,
and Understood, from which this article is adapted, is
that listening at work is flawed because people don’t
feel safe telling the truth, and listening is usually one-
sided, so it rarely produces any results or the outcomes
that we are looking for. You might understand the
importance of making a conscious effort to hear and
restate what others say, which is certainly a big part of
how we need to think about listening, but the caveat is
that only listening in this way can lead others to believe
you agree with them—whether you do or you don’t.
Active listening, in the way I use it in the book and this
article, is more of a doubling down, with the purpose F i g u r e 1 . TH E C Y C L E OF AC TI V E L I S TE N I N G
of not only understanding another person, but also
addressing any issues they raise in a way that makes
them realize their opinions matter. Active listening currently think about active listening, but also how we
is the doorway to increased belonging, loyalty, demonstrate our understanding through our actions.
profitability, innovation, and so much more. It is
The five steps in the model depicted in Figure 1 are all
the difference between thinking we understand what
discussed in depth in the book. In this article, we will
people want and knowing what they want. Of course,
focus on Step 2, Seek to Understand.
one reason we might not want to listen in the first
place is because we worry that we’ll hear something To become a better listener at work, you must seek
we’d prefer not to address. This internal resistance can to understand. That means stepping outside those
often be the biggest obstacle to listening at work, and experiences that shaped how you see the world, so you
it is also why leaning in to understand isn’t enough on can gain an understanding of what drives other people.
its own. Follow-through is vital. I call this model the Several elements must be present if you want to be
Cycle of Active Listening (see Figure 1), because the successful in seeking out understanding, as shown in
process is continuous, dynamic, and never-ending. Figure 2, Key Elements Needed to Seek to Understand:
The Cycle of Active Listening is how we can move curiosity, open-mindedness, empathy, presence of
organizational culture forward, but it requires a strong mind, and a courageous spirit.
commitment to change—not just changing how we
Lead with Curiosity
When you’re seeking to better understand others in
similar ways, let down your guard enough to allow
I call this model the Cycle a sense of curiosity to shine through. Set your ego
aside and see if you can maintain a sense of childlike
wonder when listening to others. Put aside what you
of Active Listening. think might be true, and listen not for what you want
to hear, but for what you want to learn. “Curiosity
shows that we appreciate the other person on the other
14 leader to leader
When seeking to
understand, throw out
your assumptions.
might be revealed. If you’re to truly give the gift
of active listening, and not hijack it for your own
purposes, you have to stop predicting what’s next
based on the knowledge you already have. Stay open
and learn something new. That doesn’t mean you
Figur e 2 . KEY ELEM EN T S N EED ED TO S E E K
can’t ever assume what people need at work based on
T O UN D ER S T A N D
your experiences, so that projects and initiatives can
move forward smoothly. If you had to consistently
side of the desk,” Dirk Frese, VP Sales, Marketing & stop and check your understanding, you would never
Service at Julabo USA, told me when I interviewed him get anything done. My point about minimizing your
for a LinkedIn Live broadcast. Dirk is a scientist by assumptions means not relying on what you infer to be
training, and I’m always grateful for our conversations true when it’s time to listen in, dive deeper, and clarify
about curiosity because he reminds me of what’s true. your understanding.
Not only can you gain a greater understanding of a
situation by cultivating curiosity, but also you can put
Flex Your Empathy Muscle
your listening skills to good use by ensuring that the
other person feels valued. A great exercise for strengthening your empathy muscle
is to intentionally notice which assumptions you make
Something else Dirk taught me is that our brain has
when someone speaks but you cannot actually hear
a chemical response to curiosity. When we exercise
what they are saying. Recently, I was facilitating a Zoom
curiosity, our brain secretes dopamine, an important
workshop with a leadership team. One of the exercises
brain chemical that influences our mood and feelings
required that two people pair up in a breakout room,
of reward and motivation. In turn, when someone
with one muting themselves and then telling a story
listens to us, we experience this same secretion. That
about a time when they felt the most listened to. The
means seeking to understand starts a dopamine cycle
other person was only to watch for nonverbal cues and
that benefits everyone!
micro-expressions. Then they switched places. Once
we came back into the larger room, their responses
were revealing. Some said things like “I felt the exercise
Minimize Your Assumptions was freeing, because I could say what I wanted and
When seeking to understand, throw out your knew no one could hear what I was saying.” Others
assumptions. That means entering into a conversation said things like “It felt very uncomfortable and like
as if you were a blank slate, ready to receive what I was being rude, because I couldn’t hear them. So, I
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each person feel just as important as the next. Nothing
else mattered more than being present. The people on
the other end of her presence felt every bit of it too.
Empathy is sensing This is something we should all aim for when seeking
to understand.
the feelings and pain
Build Your Professional
of another. Courage
Many years ago, I worked with Frustrated Fiona, a
leader at Unhappy Lane Hospital and a client of the
company I worked for. When Fiona began to reduce
the number of orders they placed with us, I knew I
paid really close attention to what I saw and how they
had to find out what was going on. I sensed she wasn’t
felt about the story they were recalling to me.”
happy with rapid changes in our delivery process,
This was an enlightening exercise for everyone, and when I sat down with her to ask a few leading
because it made them pay more attention to what questions, she told me so.
was happening with the other person and forget
Much as I wished I could run in the opposite direction,
about themselves for a moment. Without being able
I chose to take the time to sit with her and understand
to hear, they had to sense the emotions of the other.
her concerns. That meant summoning a lot of courage.
They could really grow their empathy muscle in the
I knew something wasn’t right, and so I ran toward the
process. Empathy is sensing the feelings and pain of
discomfort of addressing it, rather than running away
another. We do this to try to understand what they
from it. Fiona appreciated the display of care and that
are experiencing. When we insert empathy into the
I asked hard questions to understand how our services
listening process, it helps make the conversation more
had fallen short. I continued to dig deeper, reflecting
about the person we’re speaking with. It’s more of an
back on what I heard her say. When I left that tough
other-focused exercise.
interaction, she knew I’d taken her concerns seriously
and understood them.
Be Fully Present
When I was working for Mary Kay Cosmetics as a Types of Listening
sales consultant, I never met Mary Kay Ash herself,
but there were many stories about her ability to make As well as all the elements that must be present if we’re
others feel like the most important person on the to be successful in seeking out the truth, we also need
planet at any given moment. I recall one scenario where to consider different ways of listening that can help us
someone observed her talking to one consultant at a better seek to understand.
conference while about one thousand other consultants Active listening is about making a conscious effort to
waited in line to meet her. No matter what, she gave hear and understand someone else. When we actively
her undivided attention to each person standing in listen, we demonstrate concern, limit our interruptions,
front of her. She gave them the gift of her presence. and ask open-ended questions. We commit all of our
What would many of us do when faced with a attention to the speaker and establish an environment
thousand people standing in line to speak to us? We’d of trust and judgment-free engagement. At work,
most likely become frazzled, lose all focus, and appear employees who experience being actively listened to
distracted. Not Mary Kay Ash. She set out to make feel a greater sense of belonging. They feel valued,
16 leader to leader
and we must remain aware of what others are feeling
and need from us.
Active listening is a Empathetic listening takes active listening to the
next level because it requires us to make an emotional
connection with another person and search for
practice and a daily skill. common ground that will enable us to respond in a
meaningful way. We don’t listen just with our ears but
with our heart. We deliberately slow down and seek to
understand with sincere intention. We don’t rush to
appreciated, and inspired to show up for their team provide a solution; we simply hold space for the other
and organization. When it comes to productivity, person to share.
active listening has been shown to drastically Evaluative listening is when we make a judgment
improve communication and reduce the type of about what another person says. This active listening
misunderstandings that can slow progress. In contrast, style requires us to compare what we’re hearing with
passive or distracted listening—when someone pretends what we already know or believe to be true and make
to pay attention to what another person is saying but is careful inferences as a result.
actually thinking about or doing something else—can
make people feel unimportant or unappreciated. At
work, half-listening in this way can critically diminish How to Seek to Understand
morale. Active listening is a practice and a daily
When a company I worked for began rolling out
skill—not a one time exercise—and as such it requires
quarterly partnership reviews for its customers, we
continual effort to generate long-term benefits.
discovered how well the reviews secured valuable
Reflective listening is a communication strategy information we needed to improve while making
involving two key steps: seeking to understand what the customer feel valued. Today in my speaking and
another person is saying and then repeating what consulting business, I still use a partnership review
we think we heard back to them to confirm that we when meeting with long-term clients, so that I can go
understood correctly. In a recent listening workshop, over their concerns, highlight any wins, and uncover
one gentleman shared that some years ago, he became strategic opportunities to strengthen our business
frustrated by a colleague who in a meeting kept saying, relationship, among other things. I use the word
“What I’m hearing you say is—” what felt like every 10 partnership because I always think of myself and my
seconds. “I felt less heard by her doing that. She kept organization as a partner to our clients. We’re on a
parroting back to me exactly what I was saying!” journey together, and both of us share the same goals to
I could sense his frustration and agreed with his see them succeed. The main focus of these reviews is to
assessment that he was on the receiving end of someone do a lot of active listening and ask the right questions
who was practicing some overenthusiastic reflective of the client while I’m in front of them.
listening. The purpose of these types of techniques is
to make listening two-way and empathetic. When we
repeat back what we hear to be sure we confirm our
When Things Get Heated
understanding, we need to do so not in a cookie-cutter Seeking to understand is easy when things are calm and
way but with the intention to let the other person know no one is angry, but how do you actively listen when
that we have processed what they said and what they someone is angry or upset? When you recognize that
didn’t say and are following what they are saying. We emotions are heightened, here are some best practices
don’t need to be overly prescriptive in our approach, to consider.
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Put It in the Parking Lot everyone can understand the gravity of the situation
and respectfully follow suit.
Sometimes, when we’re in group meetings, in one-on-
ones, or even on calls with clients, we reach an impasse
Agree to Disagree
when two parties can’t see eye to eye. This is the best
time to agree to place something in the parking lot. I Agreeing to disagree is one of the hardest paths to
never used to understand this concept before, until I choose in a heated discussion. We all want to be heard
reached a deadlock with a colleague. We couldn’t seem and understood but, most of the time, we just want
to accept the other person’s perspective, but we knew to be right. Although agreeing to disagree may sound
we needed to put the issue to one side for the moment, simple, it takes effort to accept that neither party will
reflect on what we’d both shared, and take time to come to a clear finalization of the topic at hand.
understand the other person’s side of things.
The parking lot was the best place to table the Who’s Responsible?
discussion, so that we could return to it later without
Everything I talk about in the book and this article
completely downplaying its importance or making the
applies to anyone at work who interacts with anyone
other person feel like their viewpoint or concerns were
else. It’s that simple. Even if you don’t personally hold a
invalid. Putting something in the parking lot for a later
formal leadership position, you still have a responsibility
discussion doesn’t minimize the issue or eradicate the
to seek to understand the people you work alongside. I
discussion; it merely delays it. That way, all parties can
always say we have more power and influence than we
reconvene later with a clearer mind and their emotions
think to make others feel a certain way. People stay at
in check.
their jobs because of the relationships they build at work.
Conversely, if they don’t feel connected to others, they
Walk Away with Respect
are less likely to stay. Think about the daily interactions
There are other times when the best decision you you have with your coworkers, whether during a Zoom
can make for yourself is being the one to respectfully meeting, email exchange, or group meeting. Are you
walk away—or respect someone else’s decision to doing everything in your power to ensure that other
do the same. Ask yourself, “Do I see us coming to people feel understood and listened to?
a conclusion here?” If your answer is no, it might
be time to let things go. Sometimes, the longer the
discussion is allowed to continue with no resolution Conclusion
in sight, the worse things become. Walking away with To master the art of active listening, you just need to
respect doesn’t necessarily mean you’re running from commit to taking consistent daily steps to ensure that
or avoiding an issue. Instead, there are times when you those in your presence at work don’t just feel heard,
need to listen to the voice of reason in your head that’s but feel listened to. Only you can determine how
telling you the discussion has moved into destructive much this remains a focus of yours, and only you can
waters and it’s best if everyone jumps ship. No good demonstrate your full commitment to empowering
can come from minds that are blinded by anger or others and creating hope for them. Active listening
feeling misunderstood. Walking away is sometimes is the doorway to increased belonging, loyalty,
necessary to keep your sanity—especially when a profitability, innovation, and so much more. It is
group of people is involved and the conversation isn’t the difference between thinking we understand what
progressing in a useful way for anyone. Hopefully, people want and knowing what they want.
18 leader to leader
Heather R Younger is the Founder & CEO of
Employee Fanatix, a leading employee engagement
and consulting firm. She is a highly sought-after
keynote speaker and a leading expert on listening
at work.
Drawing from her personal experiences as the only
child of an interfaith and interracial marriage,
Heather is committed to inspiring leaders and
team members to flex their empathy muscles
and master the art of active listening to ensure
everyone including prospects, customers, and
employees feels valued, heard, and supported. She
is a two-time TEDx speaker, bestselling author
and podcast host.
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