Questionable

Content

by Jeph Jacques
2

© 2003-2010 Jeph Jacques. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without
express written permission from the copyright holder, except for brief excerpts for review purposes.

Published by TopatoCo Books, a division of The Topato Corporation.

116 Pleasant St. Ste 203
Easthampton, MA 01027

You can read Questionable Content for free every weekday at questionablecontent.net!
TopatoCo is online at topatoco.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Printed in the United States of America

First Edition, November 2010

ISBN-13: 978-0-9824862-5-2
 3

BY JEPH JACQUES
Vol. 1

TOPATOCO BOOKS Easthampton, Massachusetts

Hello there! Welcome to the very first printed collection of 5

Questionable Content!
When I first started QC seven years ago (!!!) I had no idea what I was getting into. I was working a crappy
office job, much like Marten’s in the comic, and needed a creative outlet I could do myself in my spare
time. I was reading a lot of webcomics, and used to draw comic strips all the time when I was younger, so I
thought “Hey, why not give it a shot?” I never dreamed it would one day become my full-time job, or have
anywhere near the audience it now has.

I have a short list of people I’d like to thank for helping QC get to where it is now, and first on that list has
to come my wife, Cristi. She was my business manager when I was just starting to try and make QC a viable
business and it almost certainly would have failed without her undying efforts. Second come my parents,
who always encouraged my artwork and did a pretty damn good job of raising me to boot. Thanks to
Jeffrey and David from TopatoCo, and Jeff Zugale, for helping lay out and publish this book. And finally,
I have to thank my readers – I couldn’t do this as a job if it weren’t for you guys, and I will be eternally
thankful for your support.

A couple notes about this book: you will notice that a few strips have drastically different, more modern
artwork than the rest of this collection – those were comics I had to re-draw because I had lost the original
hi-resolution artwork for them. It felt silly to try and ape my old style, so I redrew them the way I draw
now. (Think of it like a band remixing one of their earlier songs.) But on the next few pages, you can see
the original lo-res versions and if you like, flip ahead to compare them with the new ones. What a contrast!

Secondly, there are a few places where the strips’ numbering seems to skip ahead – those are instances
when I ran guest comics on the site.

Okay I think that is about it! If you’re already familiar with QC, enjoy this trip down memory lane. If
you’re new to the comic, I hope you enjoy this collection and check out my online archive
of over 1700 comics at QUESTIONABLECONTENT.NET. The art gets better, I promise.

August 2010
6
Original Versions

Strip #1 (Page 8) Strip #2 (Page 8) Strip #3 (Page 9)

Strip #51 (Page 36)

Strip #6 (Page 11)
 7

Strip #64 (Page 45) Strip #258 (Page 135) Strip #259 (Page 136)

Strip #260 (Page 136)

Next page:
COMICS!
 Number 1: Employment Sucks

8 Number
NumberOne: EmploymentSucks
1: Employment Sucks Number2:Two:While
Number While YouYouWere
WereOut...
Out…
Hey Pintsize, Number 2: While You Were Out...
I’m home.
Hey Pintsize, I’m going out to the bar.
I’m home. I’m goingbe
I should out to the
back in abar.
I should
couple be back in a
hours.
couple hours.

What should I do
What
while should
you’re I do
gone?
while you’re gone?

You look sad. Well what do you usually

How was your day? Well
do what
when I’mdo you
not usually
home?
You look sad. do when I’m not home?
How was your day?

It sucked.
Sometimes I calculate prime numbers,
I hate my Sometimes
It sucked.
but usually I justI run
calculate prime
the SETI numbers,
screensaver
job. butI usually I just run
I hate my until get sleepy and gothe
intoSETI screensaver
standby mode.
until I getIt sleepy and go into
gets lonely by myself.standby mode.
job. It gets lonely by myself.

After 8 hours of sending faxes,

licking envelopes, and dealing I wish I knew
After
with 8 hours
idiotic of sending
people faxes,
on the phone, what would
alicking envelopes,
guy can get prettyandunhappy
dealing I wishme
I knew Don’t you have other computer
cheer up. Don’t you
with idiotic
aboutpeople
his lot on the phone,
in life. what would friends you have other
can talk computer
to? You do
friends
have a you can talk
wireless to? You do
internet
a guy can get pretty unhappy cheer me up. have a wireless
connection, internet
you know.
about his lot in life.
connection, you know.

Hook me up to the monitor.

I’ll download you some nice,
Hook me up to porn.
cheerful the monitor.
I’ll download you some nice, And look on the bright side-‐ you don’t
Andtolook
have on the
worry bright
about side-‐too
drinking youmuch
don’t
Ugh, that’sporn.
cheerful like have to worry about drinking
masturbating in front and puking for the rest of the too much
night.
and puking for the rest of the night.
ofUgh,
the that’s
family like
dog.
masturbating in front
of the family dog.
Three-‐hour conversations about the
Three-‐hour
latest conversations
Intel chipsets about
are enough to the
latest
make meIntel
spew chipsets are enough
my RAM all overto
make me spew my
the place. RAM all over
the place.

Thank God I avoided the webcomics cliché of having your first strip be The original Pintsize chassis design looks like a weird alien baby.
the main character looking out at the audience, saying “Welcome to this
comic! What’s it about? I dunno! LOL!”
Number 3: True Professionals FmeZ]j>gmj2>Yq];mlkLgL`];`Yk]
FmeZ]j>gmj2>Yq];mlkLgL`];`Yk]
Number 3:Three:
Number TrueTrue Professionals
ProfessionalsDude, if you hate Number Four: FayeDOCuts
So, why youto the boys
indie Chasenever work up the
FmeZ]j>gmj2>Yq];mlkLgL`];`Yk] 9
your job so much, I dunno... gutsindie
to talk tonever
girls?work up the
So, why DO you boys
why don’t you So, why DO you
gutsindie boys
to talk tonever
girls?work up the
Dude, if you hate
just quit? I dunno... guts to talk to girls?
your job so much,
why don’t you
just quit?

...Guh?
...Guh?
...Guh?

Any other place willing to hire me

would probably suck just as much. I don’t want to go
back to school, and even It sounds like you’re only
I don’t know what I want to do capable
It sounds of like
stuttering un-‐
you’re only
Any other place willing to hire me if I did want to I don’t
for a living. I don’t want to go intelligibly
It sounds right now,only
so
would probably suck just as much. know what I would study. capable of like you’re
stuttering un-‐
I don’t know what I want to do back to school, and even I’llcapable
explainof myself.
intelligibly right My
stuttering
now,name’s
un-‐
so
if I did want to I don’t
for a living. I’llFaye, andmyself.
intelligibly
explain I’m newMy
right in town.
now, so
name’s
know what I would study. I Faye,
don’t have anynew
friends here
I’ll explain
andmyself.
I’m My name’s
in town.
yet,
don’tso
I Faye, andI was
have I’m wondering
anynew in town.
friends if
here
maybe
I yet,
don’tso you’d
have
I waswant to hang
anywondering
friends here out
if
yet,
maybe sometime.
so I was
you’d Just
want friends,
wondering
to hang ifout
though-‐
maybe you’d
sometime.no want
romance.
Just to Does
hang
friends, out
that makeno
sometime.
though-‐ any sense?
Just I just
friends,
romance. Does
that wanted
though-‐
makenoany to get all the
romance.
sense? Does
I just
that awkward
make any
wanted crap out
allof
sense?
to get Ithe
the just
way if crap
wanted
awkward we’re
to get gonna
allof
out thethe
waybe
awkward friends.
if crap
we’re out of the
gonna
waybe if we’re
friends.gonna
be friends.

Well, Steve and I were just gonna head back

to my
Well, place
Steve and
and play video
I were games.
just gonna You’re
head back
to welcome
Well, Steve
my place to
and
andIcome
playalong
were ifgames.
you want.
just gonna
video head back
You’re
to welcome
my place to
and playalong
come videoifgames. You’re
you want.
welcome to come along if you want.

Okay, sounds like

fun. Any
Okay, other
sounds like
awkward
Okay, sounds
fun. Any stuff
like
other
to getAny
fun. outother
awkward of the
stuff
to wayout
awkward
get first?
stuff
of the
to get
wayout of the
first?
way first?

If only indie girls would I could make Are we allowed to

pay you to stare at them but business cards! lustAre
after
we you in secret?
allowed to
never work up the courage to “Marten Reed, Your drawers are
If only indie girls would I could make
Professional
If I sense any Are
lust we you
after allowed
lusting, to
in secret?
actually say hello. You’d be a business cards! lustand
after you in secret? safe
Your as Fort Knox.
drawers are
pay you to stare at them but IIfwill stab you
I sense any then
lusting,
millionaire. Indie Ogler.” Your as
drawers are
never work up the courage to “Marten Reed, poop
IIfwill in the
I sense
stab anywound.
you lusting,
and then safe Fort Knox.
actually say hello. You’d be a Professional I will
poopstab youwound.
in the and then safe as Fort Knox.
millionaire. Indie Ogler.” poop in the wound.

Marten displays a rare instance of perkiness So much exposition! Faye quickly established the tone that would be the
general guideline for her personality pretty much immediately.
ks Dig Disc Drives
this is my place. You have ten Here’s a hint: It is
s to guess my favorite color. the favorite color of
depressed people!

10 Number Five: Chicks Dig Disc Drives

Number Five: Chicks Dig Disc Drives
Ooh, you have an AnthroPC!
So, uh, this is my place. You have ten He’s so cute!
Here’s What’s
a hint: It is your
seconds to guess my favorite color. the name, little
favorite colorguy?
of
depressed people!
I’m Pintsize. Nice
to meet you.
Haha, gee
could it be...
So can you do all that
blue? Ooh, you have an AnthroPC!
crazy holographic stuff
He’s so cute! What’s your
the AnthroPCs in the
name, little guy?
commercials can do?
I’m Pintsize. Nice
to meet you.
Haha, gee
could it be...
So can you do all that
blue?
crazy holographic stuff
the AnthroPCs in the
commercials can do?

Well, I’m a pretty basic model, so I

don’t have much of that fancy stuff.
This is pretty much the coolest
thing I can do.

Well, I’m a pretty basic model, so I

don’t have much of that fancy stuff.
This is pretty much the coolest
thing I can do.

BZZZK

BZZZK

OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVAR!!!

Funny, when I do that
girls usually call the police.

OH
You don’t MY GOD CUTEST
have THING EVAR!!!
my raw electro-‐
Funny, when I do that
magnetism.
girls usually call the police.

You don’t have

my raw electro-‐
magnetism.

Faye and Pintsize’s initial meeting was actually pretty positive. I

don’t think I realized at the time how quickly it would go downhill.
 Number Six:
Number TheHazards
6: The HazardsOf
of Internal
InternalMonolouge
Monologue 11
Holy crap, there’s a hot girl in
my apartment. Been a while since
THAT’S happened. Of course she’s
not interested in me, but
hey what can you do...

You can get me

a glass of water Gah! I uh duh buh
is what you can do. YES WATER RIGHT

Oh man I am such an idiot.

She totally heard me talking Speaking of asses,
to myself just now. Way to she’s got one hell of
go, Marten. You’ve made a a nice-‐
total ass of yourself.

I’m still right here, GAH! Dammit!

you know.

I was experimenting with a lot of things early on, including internal monologue.
12 Number Seven: Indie Bonding
ght a wind
I bo u ow display I like this song. Who is this?
married her
and at once...
Enon. The guy from
Braniac’s new band.
I will destroy you
at this game!

Ah, out comes the indie cred.

No, no, I’m just a music nerd,
not some elitist hipster jerk.

Hah! Round one

is mine!

Hey, have you heard of Broken Social Scene?

Yeah! Their record

is totally the best of
the year. They are
TOTALLY rad.

Once again I am victorious!

Wow, an indie girl who knows her

shit. I thought you all just faked
it to look good at shows.

I don’t NEED to
fake it to look good.

Face it, you’re no match

for a human opponent.

That’s because I
don’t have thumbs!

The first overt indie-rock references! Also, people on a couch play-

ing video games.
 Number Eight: Sexy Parts
FmeZ]j=a_`l2K]pqHgjlk 13
I had fun tonight. You’re welcome
to hang out ‘Night, kids.
We should do this
again sometime. anytime.

Faye is nice. Is she going to

be your girlfriend now?

Heh. No, she said she

wasn’t interested.

I’m sorry. You

look disappointed.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Which is fucked up,
because I should be
happy to at least have
made a new friend.

Faye said I was cute. Maybe

She’ll be MY girlfriend!

What the hell would

you do with a human
girlfriend?

I would...uh, that is she could,

um, play with my ethernet port?

Okay, that is sad

and a little disturbing.
I’m going to bed.

Pintsize was a lot more empathetic early in the comic. Now he’s basi-
cally a little plastic sociopath.
o Ships Passing In Broad Daylight
14
xtra-‐large
Number
Number
Nine:
Number Nine:
TwoTwo
Ships
Nine:Two Ships
Passing
Passing
Ships In Broad
In Broad
Passing In Daylight
Daylight
Broad Daylight
Need the caffeine, huh?
s, please.
That’ll be $1.50.
TwoTwo
extra-‐large
extra-‐large
Need
Need
thethe
caffeine,
caffeine,
huh?
huh?
mochas,
mochas,
please.
please.
That’ll
That’ll
be be
$1.50.
$1.50.

This guy’s pretty cute.

Rockin’ the starving emo
boy look. I bet he gets ThisThis
guy’s
guy’s
pretty
pretty
cute.
cute.
all the girls. Rockin’
Rockin’thethestarving
starving
emoemo
boyboylook.
look.
I bet
I bet
he he
getsgets
all all
thethe
girls.
girls.

Jesus, she’s cute.

Rockin’ the fashionable
without being a hipster Jesus,
Jesus,
she’s
she’scute.
cute.
look. I bet dudes totally Rockin’
Rockin’
thethe
fashionable
fashionable
hit on her all the time without
without
being
being
a hipster
a hipster
at work. look.
look.
I bet
I bet
dudes
dudestotally
totally
hit hit
on her
on her
all all
thethe
time
time
at at
work.
work.
Is there anything else you need?
I need to
ask you out. Is there anything
Is there else
anything youyou
else need?
need?
You need to I need
I need
to to
ask me out. askask
youyou
out.
out.
YouYou
need
need
to to
askask
memeout.
out.

Uh...nah, that’s it... Okay, have a nice day then...

Uh...nah, that’s
Uh...nah, it...it...
that’s Okay, have
Okay, a nice
have dayday
a nice then...
then...
Dammit! Dammit!

Dammit!
Dammit! Dammit!
Dammit!

This strip was lifted almost entirely from one of the comics I made back in
grade school. No, you can’t see it. It was awful.
 Number Ten:Coffeeshop Lust
FmeZ]jL]f2;g^^]]k`ghDmkl Number Eleven: The Wrong Thing at the Wrong Time 15
FmeZ]jL]f2;g^^]]k`ghDmkl FmeZ]j=d]n]f2L`]Ojgf_L`af_9lL`]Ojgf_Lae]
Hi Sara, sorry I’m late.
Has it
Hi Sara, beenI’m
sorry busy?
late.
Has it been busy? What am I doing
with my life?

Well, right now you’re watching

Cartoon Network and moping, just
like you do every Saturday afternoon.

Nah, just the usual

Saturday
Nah, crowd...
just the usual
Saturday<sigh>
crowd...
<sigh>

Uh oh, sounds like that BOY

you’ve
Uh been lusting
oh, sounds forBOY
like that was
you’ve beeninlusting
again. for was
No, I mean what’s the point?
in again.
Why do I get to go to a job
I hate five days a week only to
spend every weekend dreading
the coming Monday?

Yeah, he was.
And
Yeah,I didn’t
he was.have
the guts to
And I didn’t ask
have
himguts
out,to
either. Hehe, yeah, that does sound
the ask
like a pretty empty, pointless
him out, either.
existence.

Why don’t you I dunno, he seems so shy.

just
Why talk
don’ttoyou
him? Like if I struck
I dunno, up a conversation
he seems so shy.
just talk to him? Like if I just
he’d struckpanic and
up a run out of
conversation
he’dthejustbuilding
panic or
andsomething.
run out of
the building or something.

Heh, that sounds like this What do you think would happen
guy
Heh,I that
met last night.
sounds likeNice
thiskid, if I just grabbed him and raped
What do you think would happen
guy I but
mettotally awkward
last night. Nice kid, if Ihim
justbehind thehim
grabbed counter next
and raped
aroundawkward
but totally girls. time he comes in? You’re not helping,
him behind the counter next
around girls. time he comes in? you know.

I think you would

fulfill a fantasy
I think shared
you would
by ever
fulfill shy, submissive
a fantasy shared I’m supposed
boy on the planet.
by ever shy, submissive to be HELPING?
boy onRape
theaway!
planet.
Rape away!

I quickly got rid of the CoD aprons because it would’ve been really bor- Marten was really angsty back in the day. This is the first really good
ing drawing the girls in the same uniform day in and day out. Pintsize punchline, in my opinion.
 16 Number Twelve: In the Interest of Faye’s Safety
FmeZ]jLo]dn]2AfL`]Afl]j]klG^>Yq]kKY^]lq
]2AfL`]Afl]j]klG^>Yq]kKY^]lq

ck knock
ck knock Oh, hi Faye-‐

ck knock Oh, hi Faye-‐

I am bored and ravenous.

I am bored and ravenous. Come have dinner with me.
Come have dinner with me.

Woops, cell phone.

ops, cell phone. Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going out
Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going toout
dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it’s not a date.
to dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it’s not aNO,
date.
I didn’t bring the tazer. Mom, he’s not a serial
NO, I didn’t bring the tazer. Mom, he’s not a serialrapist, he’s a nice guy. Okay I have to go.
rapist, he’s a nice guy. Okay I have to go. Bye mom.
Bye mom.

ringringring
ringringring

Wow, is your mom

Wow, is your mom always that concerned
always that concerned for your personal
for your personal safety?
safety?

You’re lucky she’s not

You’re lucky she’s not here in person. You’d have
here in person. You’d have been maced for walking
been maced for walking so close to me.
so close to me.

We’ll end up meeting Faye’s mom later in the story.

 Number Ten:Coffeeshop Lust
FmeZ]jL`ajl]]f29[`lmf_Fahh]d
Number Eleven: The Wrong Thing at the Wrong Time
FmeZ]j>gmjl]]f2N]_Yf:]]^
17
Hey, wanna see my patented method So, where are
for getting someone’s attention? we going to eat?

Okay, sure.
Have you ever been
to the Irony Cafe?
It’s really good.

OW! They advertise as a “vegan” restaurant

but serve steak and hamburgers.

PINCH!
That is both
amazing
and brilliant.

Jesus Christ, whatever happened You should see the horrified looks
to a gentle tap on the shoulder? on hippies’ faces when they read
the menu!

Hit ‘em where

it hurts- in their
pretentious,
It is impossible
misguided
to ignore a girl who
personal politics!
has your nipple in
her vicelike grip.

This is one of the strips I had completely forgotten about until it was time The characters can be kind of judgmental in early strips, Faye in particular.
to put this book together. I saw it and was like “…what?”
18 FmeZ]j>a^l]]f2Egj]N]_Yf@megj
Number Fifteen: More Vegan Humor Number Sixteen: The Four Types of Annoying Concert-Goers
FmeZ]jKapl]]f2L`]>gmjLqh]kg^9ffgqaf_;gf[]jl%?g]jk
I can’t believe you people #1: The Fashion Whore
serve lobster here! Boiling
them alive in their shells...
it’s cruel and disgusting!

I’d dance, but

it would ruin my
perfectly-tousled
hair.

That’s right, walk away you #2 The Chatterbox

filthy animal torturer! Go free
those innocent animals that Oh my God so she was like totally cheating on
you are exploiting! Scott with Tim and he had no idea but he was
really hooking up with Carol anyway so I
said to Julie...

#3: The One-Man Mosh Pit

Here, I freed this one.
He’s all yours.
WOOOO ROCKANDROLL!!!

AAAAA GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!
#4: The Frontline Soldier

Come on man let me up to the front

my friends are up there give me a break
man let me through don’t be a dick come on

Please, don’t be any of these people.

The character of “Hippie Strawman” will not be making further appearances This is the only “editorial-style” QC strip I’ve ever done, to date. It’s a
popular comic, but it just wasn’t a format I felt comfortable shoehorning
into QC.
 Number Seventeen: The Horror Number Eighteen: Children Do Not Belong There 19
FmeZ]jK]n]fl]]f2L`]@gjjgj FmeZ]j=a_`l]]f2;`ad\j]f<gFGl:]dgf_L`]j]

Whoo, I am STUFFED.
You know what I really hate?

Mm?

I was doing well,

until you started
talking about pooping
and your butt and
stuff.

Oh don’t be such a wimp. Besides, guys are

When you’re pooping and it burns and you know
totally obsessed with girls’ asses anyway.
you’ll have to wipe like 40 times to get clean.

How so?

Look at any hardcore porno flick.

75% of them are like all anal all the time!
Dudes are all about the butt-sex.

slurrp

Eww, not THIS dude.

One of the core tenets of How nice, you’ve condensed it

my sex life is “no poo-poo into terms a four year old
on the pee-pee.” could understand.

Another one of my core

tenets is “no four year
olds on the pee-pee.”

FIRST EVER QC POOP JOKE “No poo-poo on the pee-pee” was a phrase coined by my friend Stirling
back in college.
20 Number Nineteen: Better Than a Roll of Dimes
FmeZ]jFaf]l]]f2:]ll]jL`Yf9JgddG^<ae]k
Number Twenty: Not as Good as Pie
FmeZ]jLo]flq2Fgl9k?gg\9kHa]

Hey, thanks for having dinner

with me. It was really good.

Pintsize, I’m home.

No problem! I had
a good time too.

Wha-

It’s so nice to have

a friend in this town I’m eating cake mix!
to hang out with.

I’m just going to pretend

that a roll of quarters in your
pocket is what I feel poking
I’m tempted to just put you
into my hip.
in the oven and then eat you.

I would be
DELICIOUS.

OH UH YES IT IS LAUNDRY
NIGHT FOR ME HA HA HA

Man that is a quick-onset boner! The start of Pintsize’s infamous baked goods obsession.
 FmeZ]jLo]flq%Gf]2L`]<]Yl`H]fYdlq
Number Twenty-One: The Death Penalty Number Twenty-Two: The Most Dangerous Toast
FmeZ]jLo]flq%Log2L`]Egkl<Yf_]jgmkLgYkl 21
So it turns out he was eating cake mix
all night while I was out with Faye. I’m Wha?
almost done cleaning him out now.

It was delicious but it

gave me indigestion.

Faye? What’s
wrong?

Come on Pintsize,
that’s no way to get
aHEAD in life.

Marten, can I ask a HUGE

favor of you? Could I maybe
stay at your place for a
little while? My apartment
building burned down.

It BURNED DOWN?! What happened? Well, let’s just

say that I’m not
very good at
making toast.

I don’t know what came over me!

I just completely lost my HEAD!

If you learn from your mistakes

you’ll be making good HEADway! YOU burned your apartment down?

Look at me, I’m

John the Baptist!

I am going to
murder the both
of you.

Not completely! I mean,

there was still ONE wall
standing when I left...

I guess Pintsize’s motherboard, RAM, etc. is all in his head? Faye Whitaker: Responsible for Millions of Dollars In Fire Damage
22 Number Twenty-Three: Instant Hysterics
FmeZ]jLo]flq%L`j]]2AfklYfl@qkl]ja[k

You’re sure it’s okay

that I stay here?
I really hate to
impose on you. Don’t worry
about it. It’s the
least I can do.

Heh, my mom would completely

lose her shit if she found out I
was staying with some boy.

Better not let

her find out then.

What are
you doing?

Calling my mom. Sending her into

fits of hysteria is my little way
of saying “I love you.”

Just don’t give her my

address. I don’t want her
breaking in and murdering
me in my sleep.

Moving Faye in with Marten turned out to be a really, really good idea.
 FmeZ]jLo]flq%>an]2L`]DggcG^<gge
Number Twenty-Five: The Look of Doom
FmeZ]jLo]flq%>an]2L`]DggcG^<gge
FmeZ]jLo]flq%>an]2L`]DggcG^<gge 23
FmeZ]jLo]flq%>an]2L`]DggcG^<gge
Like my new haircut?
Like
Likemymynew
newhaircut?
haircut?
Like my new haircut?

As for sleeping
As
Asforforsleeping
sleeping you
arrangements,
As for sleeping arrangements,
arrangements,
arrangements, you can have myyou you
bed.
can
canhavehave my
mybed.
I’ll sleepbed.
on
can have my bed. I’ll
I’llsleep
sleep on
on
I’ll sleep on the couch.
the
thecouch.
couch.
the couch.

Looks nice.
Looks
ILooks
wasnice.
nice.
wondering No way! You sleep
Looks nice. NoNo
I Iwas
was wondering
wondering
where you ran No way! You sleep inway!
way!You
your Yousleep
bed. sleep
I’m being
I was wondering where
whereyou ininyour
yourbed.
bed.I’m
I’mbeing
being
where you ran off ran
you ran
to. in your bed. I’m being intrusive
intrusive
intrusive
enough
enough
enough
off
offto.
to. intrusive enough already.
off to. already.
already.
already.

It’s no problem,
It’s
It’snonoproblem,
problem,
really. You take
It’s no problem, really.
really.the
You
Youtake
take
really. You take bed.
the
thebed.
bed.
the bed.

Why don’t you

Why
Why two don’t
don’t you
justyou
share
Why don’t you twojust
two just
two just share
share
theshare
bed?
thebed?
the bed?
the bed?

Wait for her to

Wait
Wait forthen
for
blink, herto
her to
make
Wait for her to blink,athen
blink, then
blink, then make
make
run make
for it.
aarun
runfor
forit.it.
a run for it.

Affirmative.
Affirmative.
Affirmative.
Affirmative.

It took me a long time to settle on an “official” hairstyle for Faye.

24 Number Twenty-Six: Dress Code
FmeZ]jLo]flq%Kap2<j]kk;g\] Number Twenty-Seven: No Love For The Emo
FmeZ]jLo]flq%K]n]f2FgDgn]>gjL`]=eg
So is it just me, So if you could beat
or is the concept of up any emo band, who
“indie cred” completely would you beat up?
retarded?

I know what
you mean.

Oh, definitely the dude from

Dashboard Confessional. He seriously
needs to stop whining about how
some girl dumped him.

Why should it matter how

popular my favorite band is, I’d also kick Jeremy Enigk’s ass for
or whether I bought my making every Sunny Day Real Estate
jeans at The Gap or at the album since Diary. They should have
Salvation Army? just stopped then.

Seriously, you got it right,

guys. Stop trying!

I’d assault From Autumn To Ashes

You buy clothes
for having the most stereotypically
from The Gap?
bad emo band name ever.

Hehe. From Autumn

To Beatings!

Don’t you smirk at me. I saw I would also totally kick

the Express Jeans tag sticking up Conor Oberst’s ass for just for
from the back of your trousers. having that ridiculous hairdo.

Ah ha! I KNEW
you’ve been secretly Is he the dude from
peeking at my bottom! Bright Eyes? I always
confuse him with
Winona Ryder.

It comforts me to know that even as a naive 23 year old I found the The idea of Marten beating up ANYBODY is pretty ludicrous.
concept of “indie cred” pretty stupid.
 Number Twenty-Eight:Drama! Number Twenty-Nine: Only Sort of Relieved 25
FmeZ]jLo]flq%=a_`l2<jYeY FmeZ]jLo]flq%Faf]2GfdqKgjlG^J]da]n]\
Thanks again for letting me I can’t believe my luck. It figures the one boy I
stay at your place, Marten. have the hots for would be seduced by a coworker.

Sara, listen to me.

I didn’t seduce him.
It’s no problem, you can
stay as long as you want.

So I’ll meet you here at 5:30

and then we’ll go grab some My apartment BURNED DOWN. I’m staying at his
dinner, OK? place because I have nowhere else to go and
he was kind enough to offer me his couch to
sleep on. It’s completely platonic.

Sounds
great!

sigh
Had a busy weekend, eh?

What now?

Oh man, you have

NO idea. That was
the boy I was telling
you about the other
day!

And judging by your icy glare, That means I still have to work
he also happens to be the boy up the guts to ask him out.
you’ve been lusting after for
the past few weeks.

Bingo.

Oh no, you have to ASK

Shit. A BOY OUT! Surely it is
the most harrowing task
ever visited upon a lass.

Bingo again.

Oh, Sara. I didn’t know at the time, but your days were numbered. Faye’s dialogue is beginning to get more ornate and whimsical. I was
reading a LOT of the comic “Scary Go Round” at the time and it was a
big influence.
26 Number Thirty: Sudden Realizations
FmeZ]jL`ajlq2Km\\]fJ]YdarYlagfk Number Thirty-One: I Hate It When They Giggle
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%Gf]2A@Yl]AlO`]fL`]q?a__d]

I fucking hate these stupid

adhesive seals they put on CDs.

Marten? Hi, my name’s

Sara. I just wanted to get
something off my chest.

I’ve had a crush on you ever

since you started coming in here.
I dunno, I kinda
I was going to finally ask you out
like them.
tonight, but I was thinking about
it today and I realized something.
It’s not you as a PERSON that I’ve
got a crush on, but the abstract
concept of a “cute indie boy” that
you represent.

It wouldn’t be fair to
hold you to some impossible Why?
standard, so I think it’s best
if I don’t go out with you
after all.

I wanted to thank you for helping

me realize this. I feel a lot better
now, about myself and about
everything. Thank you.

Expending all the effort

to get the seal off makes
the music that much more
enjoyable once you
finally get the CD out
of the jewel case.

What the fuck?

Kind of like taking off
a girl’s bra?

Yeah, except CDs

don’t start giggling
if it takes you more
than fifteen seconds.
You almost had a date!
But you got dumped at
the last minute in favor
of an epiphany.

And I’m pretty sure this is the last we’ll ever see of Sara. Now when Man, remember buying CDs?
people ask what happened to her, I say she was eaten by an Allosaurus.
 Number Thirty-Two: Psychic Powers
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%Log2Hkq[`a[Hgo]jk Number Thirty-Three: I Spy
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%L`j]]2AKhq 27
So she had a crush What are you yelling about, Faye?
on you, but changed I could hear you all the way outside!
her mind because
she thinks she’s only
attracted to
your image? This little PERV
walked in on me while
I was changing!

Apparently.

If it happens again
That’s harsh. I will visit destruction
upon you. With a hammer.

I did not mean to see her

breasts, it was an accident!

Mmmyep.

You’re thinking
of asking her out, ...So?
aren’t you.

They were firm, yet supple,

with perky nipples and just
the right amount of jiggling.

Awesome.

Who, me? No!

I mean, it’s, um,
well maybe a little...

Steve’s t-shirt is some inside joke that I don’t even remember anymore. Pintsize’s voyeuristic tendencies are beginning to show.
28 Number Thirty-Four: The Worst Kind of Horse
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%>gmj2L`]OgjklCaf\G^@gjk] Number Thirty-Five: Teh Sex
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%>an]2L]`K]p

Suddenly I realized
Hey, are you OK? “Oh my god, he’s using
the alphabet trick on me!”
That was when I slapped
his ass and yelled “THAT’S
RIGHT, SPELL MY NAME
BITCH!”

Hah!
Hmm? I’m all
right I guess.
Mmm...

Still down about that

Hey Pintsize, what’s
whole Sara thing?
that you’re reading?

A little, yeah.

Uh, I...er...
Nothing!
Nothing at all!

Look at it this way-‐ everything happens

for a reason. Maybe by not going out with her
you spared yourself from some misery Gimme that.
further down the line!

Heh, yeah. Like if

she turned out to have
Hey!
herpes or something.

Maybe she gives horrible blowjobs,

or has uncontrollable flatulence!

She collects Hitler An Apple catalog?

memorabilia and had
sex with a horse!

I only read it for the

benchmarks, I swear.
I don’t think I
want to know what
A Nazi horse!
this can of WD-‐40
is for.

Faye’s last line makes me giggle every time. The “Alphabet Trick” is where you draw the letters of the alphabet on a
lady’s clitoris with your tongue during oral sex. Gross!
 Number Thirty-Six: A Lesser Man Needed
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%Kap29D]kk]jEYfAf\]]\ Number Thirtty-Seven: Misery Loves Booze
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%K]n]f2Eak]jqDgn]k:ggr] 29
So why is it y’all “indie kids” or whatever ya call
Hey Marten, do you yerselves shop at the Salvation Army an’ drink in dive
have any painkillers? bars like this one? Y’all went to college, ya ain’t workin’
I’m cramping up construction like me. What gives?
something awful
today.

Time of
the month?

Yeah.

That must
How much money do
really suck.
you make per year?

‘Bout thirty K,
why ya askin’?

Oh, you have NO

idea. The worst part
is how horny I get due
to all the extra
hormones.

I make barely twenty

thousand dollars a year.
I have thousands of dollars
in student loans to pay off,
and I can barely afford to
pay my rent each month
and still buy food. I hate
my job, but because of this
shitty economy, I can’t
afford to quit and find
a job I actually like.

A lesser man, a man weaker than I, Cool. I’ll go

Well shit buddy,
might interject with a lewd or suggestive put some Johnny
next round’s on
comment at this juncture. Cash on the jukebox.
me then.

I am glad that such

a foolish man is not
around, for I would surely
defenestrate him with
great rapidity.

LADY ISSUES This strip holds up really well, I think. Also, Jimbo! Everybody loves Jimbo.
30 Number Thirty-Eight: Definition of a Term
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%=a_`l2<]^afalagfG^9L]je Number Thirty-Nine: That Special Time of Year
FmeZ]jL`ajlq%Faf]2L`YlKh][aYdLae]G^Q]Yj

Faye! I was wondering Why do webcomics make

when you’d show up! such a big deal out of
Halloween, anyway?

I think
Judging by the smell,
there are a couple
one of us has been
different reasons.
drinking hard liquor,
and it’s not me.

A lot of the artists probably just enjoy drawing

Hey Jim, this is Faye,
their characters in different costumes and stuff.
that girl I was telling Well shee-‐hit if’n you ain’t
you about. the finest lookin’ thang I
seen all day!

Okay, let me get this straight. Also, readers seem to have a really
You’ve been in here getting drunk good time trying to figure out who each
for the past hour in the compay character is dressed up as.
of some random redneck?

Pretty much,
yeah.

Sounds like fun. Now buy me Wow, Pintsize.

WHO IS THIS
a shot of whatever hell-‐brew you That is an amazing PINTSIZE?
two have been drinking and let’s Red Robot costume.
get this party started. I WILL CRUSH
Perhaps not the wisest THE IMPOSTOR!
decision, but a good decision
nonetheless!

Where I come from, we just

shorten that sentence to “Woo!”

PARTY WITH JIMBO Faye is dressed as Shelley from Scary Go Round, Marten is Gabe from
Penny Arcade, Steve is Sam from Sam and Fuzzy, Sara(?) is Jade from
PvP, and Red Robot is Red Robot from Diesel Sweeties.
 Number Forty: Fall-down Drunk Number Forty-One: Low Blow
FmeZ]j>gjlq%Gf]2Dgo:dgo 31
FmeZ]j>gjlq2>Ydd%<gof<jmfc7
Man, I’ve never seen a girl Since when’d you
drink an entire pitcher of Guinness get two couches in here?
without stopping. I’m impressed!

Whoo, I’ma little

drunker than I reckoned
I’d be, too.
One of them is a
special couch that
only drunk people
can see.

Where ya goin’?

I’m going to get you

some water so that you will
not be wishing for death
tomorrow morning.

You have a
sexy behind.

So was that you letting your

guard down and admitting that you’re
Don’t go gettin’ any ideas. attracted to me, or are you just fucking
I’m only holdin’ onto ya ‘cause with my head because you’e drunk?
I’ll fall down otherwise.

Why do you get a southern

accent when you’re drunk? That is for me to know
and you to obsess over!
Mwa ha ha ha ha!

“Drunk Bubbles” would become a staple of the Questionable Content Faye is quite the flirt sometimes!
universe.
32 Number Forty-Two: Not Sexy After All?
FmeZ]j>gjlq%Log2FglK]pq9^l]j9dd7 Number Thirty-Three: I’m Going Off the Rails
FmeZ]j>gjlq%L`j]]2Ae?gaf_G^^L`]JYadk

Rmmffggh. I wish I had the

money to buy
Why would you
an iPod.
need one?

I was wondering
when you’d
wake up.

Did I make an ass of myself

last night? I don’t remember Well, it’d be nice to listen
anything past coming home. to music on the way to work
in the mornings...

No, but you did say

that you thought MY ass
was pretty cute.

Why don’t you just bring

me with you? I have all your mp3s
That WOULD be a lot
on my hard drive already.
cheaper than buying
an iPod.

No way.

Drink will make a girl

The one time we tried that,
say ridiculous things.
Pintsize just followed me down
the street screaming the lyrics
to Crazy Train over and over.

I suppose that would also

explain your subsequent monologue
about using quantum physics and
burnt toast to achieve immortality.

Crazy Train is the

best song ever.

In the newspost for this comic, I go on and on about how much time I Man, remember iPods?
spent drawing the hands. Looking at it now, I can only shudder. Such is
the price of hindsight (and slowly improving art).
 Number Forty-Four: iToddler
FmeZ]j>gjlq%>gmj2aLg\\d]j Number Forty-Five: Pity: He Asked For It
FmeZ]j>gjlq%>an]2Halq2@]9kc]\>gjAl 33
Ah screw it, I can afford an iPod if I’m Welcome to the Apple Store!
careful with my money for a while. I’m heading Is there anything I can do for
over to the Apple store to get one now. you today?

I will come along

for fun!

Here’s what you can do for me: I’m going to purchase

Can I come too? a 10 gigabyte iPod, and you’re going to help by not trying
to sell me any car adapters, extra headphones, docking
No way. I remember devices, firewire cables, or anything else
what happened last time unless I specifically as you about it.
I let you tag along.

What happened
last time?

Pintsize mistook a
kid for Apple’s version
of an AnthroPC, and...
well, it got ugly.

He was visibly trembling when

Lady, I swear to you that he is you asked what the terms of the
just a harmless computer, not a extended warranty were!
“baby-‐molesting murderbot.” It was so cute!

I was only trying to

find the power button!

The only way to deal

with computer salespeople
is with an overwhelming
preemptive strike.

I kind of like the way I drew hair back then. It’s adorably chunky. JEEZ, Marten, don’t bite his head off!
34 Number Forty-Six: Hot Topic Is Going to Sue Me
FmeZ]j>gjlq%Kap2@glLgha[Ak?gaf_LgKm]E] Number Forty-Seven: That Was a Good Mocha, Too
FmeZ]j>gjlq%K]n]f2L`YlOYk9?gg\Eg[`Y$Lgg

If you could have anything

in the world right now,
what would it be?

Excuse me, I was

wondering if you could
help me find a shirt.

Hmm. I guess
I’d get a 1952 Fender
Telecaster. I’ve always
wanted one of those.

I’d get some Preparation H.

My asshole is KILLING me today.

PTHBTHL!
I want one that says
“Look at me, I am trying as
hard as I can to be different!”
on the front.

Or do you have any trucker Oh, I’m just kidding,

hats with “I’m so indie it hurts” there is nothing wrong I’m glad.
printed on them? with my bottom.

How about some thirty-‐dollar

faux-‐faded t-‐shirts?
You know, like something I’d
find at the Salvation Army
for a nickel?

I do, however,
Okay, you’re have one hell of a
just being mean Also I am looking for some
yeast infection.
now. CDs by really terrible hardcore
bands. Do you have those?

PTHBHTLBTH!

I am SO putting
a curse on you when
I get home tonight.

I didn’t know it at the time, but Hot Topic Girl would eventually turn out to More entries in the “Faye is gross” series. She’s much more reserved
be Raven, who would turn out to have a bigger part in the comic later on! these days!
 Number Forty-Eight: ‘Tis the Season
FmeZ]j>gjlq%=a_`l2LakL`]K]Ykgf Number Forty-Nine: Undie-Jitsu
FmeZ]j>gjlq%Faf]2Mf\a]%Balkm
35
So are you going home
for Thanksgiving?

Nah, being in
such close proximity
with my family would
drive me insane.

Aww, that’s sad.

I am the underwear ninja!
Why?

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a HAPPY

occasion, where you get together with
your family and enjoy each other’s
company, even if only for a little while.

So I take it you’ll Okay, that was

be visiting your incredibly bizarre, Goddamnit that was
parents, then? even for Pintsize. MY underwear!

Oh, fuck no.

They drive me
crazy.

Marten (predictably) echoes my sentiments exactly. Seven years later and I STILL get requests for “underwear ninja Pintsize”
at conventions.
36 FmeZ]j>a^lq2L`af_k9j]?]llaf_GmlG^@Yf\
Number Fifty: Things Are Getting Out of Hand Number Fifty-One:There Is a Spell for Thongs

Hi-‐yah! We Underwear
Ninja fear nothing!

I don’t get the appeal

of these Final Fantasy games.
I don’t get the appeal
Aren’t they all the same?
of these Final Fantasy games.
Aren’t they all the same?

Maybe so, but they’re still a geek’s

wet dream. I mean, you’ve got world-‐changing
Maybe so, but they’re still a geek’s
Gasp! It is a conflicts, tons of secrets to discover, gorgeous
wet dream. I mean, you’ve got world-‐changing
Bra Pirate! Avast, ninja graphics, and even an little romance here and
conflicts, tons of secrets to discover, gorgeous
The nemesis of scalawag! Arr! there. They found a formula that works and
graphics, and even an little romance here and
all Underwear stuck with it.
there. They found a formula that works and
Ninja! stuck with it.

I’ll be takin’ back what

is rightfully mine, ye
scurvy dog!

Prepare to die,
pirate scum!

Apparently it is
Yaaa! Also there are
easier to cast spells in
tits and dragons. Apparently it is
Also there are a thong and tube-‐top.
easier to cast spells in
tits and dragons.
a thong and tube-‐top.

Yarr! Have
at ye!

This is...it’s...
okay there is not
a word for how
weird this is.

Man I had no idea how to draw a bra back then. A COMIC STRIP ON THE INTERNET??? ABOUT VIDEO GAMES?!?!?!??!
LUHAGLBGAUHALGULH
 FmeZ]j>a^lq%Log2K]ea%9mlgZag_jYh`a[Yd
Number Fifty-Two: Semi-Autobiographical 37

Bill, bill, overdue

notice, bill...

Oh cool, my parents finally

forwarded my tax return from
last year!

Nice! How much is it?

Eleven hundred Wow, you could pay

dollars! your rents and bills
for a month with that
much money!

That is a highly
Pfft. Fuck that,
I’m buying a guitar. irresponsible action, but
guitars are AWESOME
so I cannot be upset.

I have totally done this.

>a^lq%L`j]]2L`YlHdYfF]n]jOgjck

38 Number Fifty-Three: That Plan Never Works

FmeZ]j>a^lq%L`j]]2L`YlHdYfF]n]jOgjck

So what kind of guitar

are you going to buy?

So what kind of guitarMaple or rosewood

are you going to buy? fretboard?

Maple or rosewood
fretboard?

I dunno, I was
thinking of getting
a Telecaster...
I dunno, I was
thinking of getting
a Telecaster...
What difference
does it make?

What difference
does it make?

Well with a maple board you’ll

get a bright, twangy tone, whereas
rosewood puts out thicker mids and
a looser bass response. Well with a maple board you’ll
get a bright, twangy tone, whereas
rosewood puts out thicker mids and
a looser bass response.
Wow, how do you know
so much about guitars?

Wow, how do you know

so much about guitars?

If you’re looking for a jangly

sound you should go with maple,
but if you want fat overdrive like
Shiner or Mogwai you might like If you’re looking for a jangly
rosewood better. sound you should go with maple,
but if you want fat overdrive like
Shiner or Mogwai you might like
rosewood better.
I learned from a guy I dated
in high school. When he wasn’t trying
to get my clothes off he’d blather on
endlessly about guitars. I learned from a guy I dated
in high school. When he wasn’t trying
to get my clothes off he’d blather on
endlessly about guitars.

Maybe it was just a ploy to

bore you into getting naked.

Maybe it was just a ploy to

bore you into getting naked.

Fat lot of good it

did him. He never saw
so much as a nipple.
Fat lot of good it
did him. He never saw
so much as a nipple.

I am a pretty huge dork when it comes to guitars.

 FmeZ]j>a^lq%>gmj2Khjaf_kl]]fOgmd\OafAf9>a_`l
Number Fifty-Four: Springsteen Would Win In a Fight 39
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Ooh, I like this one.

Oh yeah, I definitely want

this guitar. I think I’ll buy
the amp, too.

Nice!

Oh man, I bet ALL the

girls will totally want to
make out with you now.

Haha, you think?

Oh, CERTAINLY.
Guitars are like free
make-‐out passes!

Wait a minute.
Dammit, you’re being
sarcastic again,
aren’t you.

You have successfully

demonstrated the capacity
for basic learning!

The “guitar chords as sound effect” thing is a cute idea, I don’t know
why I didn’t use it after this strip.
2>ggd>gjDgn]

So you sold your first

guitar when you moved here?

40 Number Fifty-Five: The Look of Doom

FmeZ]j>a^lq%>an]2>ggd>gjDgn]

So you sold your first

guitar when you moved here?

How come you moved

here if you had to give up
all your stuff?

rid of a lot of stuff, actually. How come you moved

itcase full of clothes and not here if you had to give up
much else. all your stuff?

Yep. I got rid of a lot of stuff, actually.

I had a suitcase full of clothes and not
much else.
Well, it’s a
long story...

Basically I was totally in love Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

with this girl, and...things didn’t
work out. It was a bad scene. Well, it’s a
long story...

Basically I was totally in love

with this girl, and...things didn’t
work out. It was a bad scene.
So you totally left behind
your friends and family because
you were chasing this girl?

After that, I didn’t really

have anywhere else to go. I
didn’t want to move back in with So you totally left behind
my parents, so I stayed here. your friends and family because
you were chasing this girl?

After that, I didn’t really

have anywhere else to go. I
didn’t want to move back in with
my parents, so I stayed here.

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

Well that is very

sweet, but completely
idiotic.

Well that is very

sweet, but completely
idiotic.

Funny, that’s what

my mom said too.

Funny, that’s what

my mom said too.

Marten’s backstory was inspired by something I had gone through with a

girl myself, although the particulars are all totally different.
 Number Fifty-Six: Also Songs About Cloning
FmeZ]j>a^lq%Kap29dkgKgf_k9Zgml;dgfaf_ Number Fifty-Seven: Bad Timing
FmeZ]j>a^lq%K]n]f2:Y\Laeaf_ 41
So I totally do not get Deerhoof. They’re
What is up with all the songs about How come you’re baking
post-‐post-‐ that cake, anyway?
pandas and flowers and crap? ironic.

Oh, just a sort of

thank-‐you for letting
me stay here like
this.

They’ve progressed so far

Oh uh well that is no
into the realm of the absurd that
problem, I mean I like
they’ve come out on the other side,
having you around, and
in the land of gleeful sincerity.
uh I...

They write songs about

pandas and pickup bears and
flowers because they really
think that those things are
awesome things to write
songs about.

Pan-‐da pan-‐da Goddamnit Pintsize

pan-‐da pan-‐da pan-‐da I’m trying to have a
pan...PAN-‐DA! moment here!

Well I’m trying

to have one with
this cake mix!

Goddamnit if you
get that song stuck in
my head I will make you
sleep out on the fire
escape tonight. Let’s have a moment
of silence for both of
your moments.

To this day I get email from people who have discovered Deerhoof This is one of those strips where every character gets their own
because of this strip. Deerhoof are pretty great! punchline. Some people think it’s a “bad habit” but it’s how my sense of
humor works, and I happen to think it’s funny!
42 Number Fifty-Eight: Not Again
FmeZ]j>a^lq%=a_`l2Fgl9_Yaf Number Fifty-Nine: I Can Feel My Mind Going
FmeZ]j>a^lq%Faf]2A;Yf>]]dEqEaf\?gaf_

Whatcha doing?
I’m backing up Pintsize to
my desktop PC until I can find
some replacement parts.

Did you enjoy

the cake? PLEASE don’t start
I’m sorry Dave, with the retardedly
I can’t-‐ obvious 2001 jokes.
I haven’t had
any yet.

Then who.... How about a litle

Lawnmower Man Dude, nobody even
humor? LIKED that movie.

Oh no.

Well, what do
you have to say I am the
for yourself? Kwisatz That doesn’t even
Haderach! make any sense!

It was SO
worth the massive
motherboard
damage.

The spice
is life!

Pintsize’s anatomy continues to baffle me to this day. Ah, the first of what will turn out to be many, many Dune jokes
 Number Sixty: Pintsize 2.0 FmeZ]jKaplq%Gf]2A9eQgmj>Yl`]j
Number Sixty-One: I Am Your Father 43
Yes Pintsize,
You know, you’re lucky I was Marten! Marten! I know you can
able to find this new chassis Check this out! bend at the
for you, Pintsize. knees now.

Do I look
stupid? I bet
I look stupid.

No really, this is
so cool! You have
to see-‐

Look Pintsize, I know

you’re excited about this
whole “having useable
limbs” thing, but-‐

ZzZshKkT

Jesus Christ, you

I HAVE have a goddamned
lightsaber in your
ELBOWS! navel!

That’s what I
was trying to
show you!

Imagine his excitement

when he eventually
discovers that he has The TV melted.
knees, too.

I redesigned Pintsize’s body to make him a little more articulate and less I get tons of requests for “more of Pintsize’s laser!” at conventions too.
alien-baby-ish. He’s remained pretty much the same ever since.
44 Number Sixty-Two: SSHRKKT!
FmeZ]jKaplq%Log2Kk`jccl Number Sixty-Three: Henry Rollins
FmeZ]jKaplq%L`j]]2@]fjqJgddafk
So have you hooked
Come on, Pintsize. up with Faye yet?
You have to disable
that laser.

But why?!
What? No!

Look, I don’t want to have to Come on dude,

register you with the goddamned you know you
Department of Defense or something. want to.
I bet you have to pay huge fees to keep
a death ray in your apartment.

Can I at least
fire it one more
time?

Fine. One last Look, even if she

time, then turn WERE interested, I still
it off. wouldn’t do it. It’d make
everything all awkward
and complicated.

ZzZshKkT

Okay, so that
Feel better? was a total lie.

<sniff>
I’ll miss you,
laser cannon.

The bookshelf Gee, really?

is on fire. I WOULD NEVER
HAVE GUESSED.

The running gag of Faye walking in from off-panel all nonchalant about I like to imagine that even now, 1700+ strips later, Steve still occasion-
something being on fire still makes me laugh. ally asks Marten if he’s hooked up with Faye yet
 Number Sixty-Four:
Number 64: What IsWhat Is theLaw?
The First First Law? Number Sixty-Five: Tagalong
FmeZ]jKaplq%>an]2LY_Ydgf_ 45
Why are you so convinced I don’t know Have a good night,
that Faye isn’t interested what you’re talking Sara. I am off to
in you? I’ve seen how she about. the bar.
acts around you.

She put her arms Are you hanging out

around you when she was with that guy Marten
drunk. She’s always flirting tonight?
with you. I mean for Christ’s
sake, she’s sleeping on
your couch!

Yeah, him and

his friend Steve.
Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason...
Look. I’m male, therefore I
am completely incapable of
judging female attraction.

sigh

It’s the Second Law of Sexual

Dynamics-‐ if you think a girl is
attracted to you, you are wrong.

Are you going to spend the rest

of the night moping about the fact
So what you’re saying is Short of her climbing that I’ll be hanging out with cute
there’s no way to tell if a into my lap and humping indie boys and you won’t?
girl is interested in you. vigorously, no.

Of course not!
I mean, not if you
bring me along...

Man, 23 year old me sure had some funny ideas about ladies. 30 year old me has different Sara moped a lot.
funny ideas about ladies.
46 FmeZ]jKaplq%Kap2:ggr]Ak9o]kge]
Number Sixty-Six: Booze is Awesome FmeZ]jKaplq%K]n]f2Ja_`l:]`af\Qgm
FmeZ]jKaplq%K]n]f2Ja_`l:]`af\Qgm
Number Sixty-Seven: Right Behind You

My glasses!
My glasses!
Man, Steve Yeah, he has
and Sara are really somehow managed to
hitting it off. be charming without
being a complete
smarmosaur.

crcurnucnc
hh
Are you okay Dammit, I can’t
Dammit, see see
I can’t
with all this? at allatwithout these
all without these
things!
things!

Oh, yeah. I’m fine.

I totally got over that
whole Sara mess.

Besides, I’m hanging Ugh, Ugh,

and my
andprescription
my prescription
out with a WAY more rad is SOisexpensive. I totally
SO expensive. I totally
girl right now anyway. cannot afford
cannot a new
afford pair pair
a new
rightright
now.now.

NOTE:
NOTE: thethe
artart
forfor
this
this
one is totally
one different
is totally onon
different
thethe
site, notnot
site, sure what’s
sure what’s
upup with that!
with that!

Even though the only reason you had On the

On bright side,side,
the bright you’re
you’re If I could see you
If I could see you
the balls to say that is because you’re eveneven
hotter without
hotter the the
without I would give give
I would you some
you some
drunker than an Irish skunk, glasses on. on.
glasses SEVERE punchings.
SEVERE punchings.
you’re a sweetheart.

“Liquid Testicles” does Wow,Wow,

you must havehave
you must
not have the same ring bad directional hearing
bad directional hearing
to it as “liquid courage.” too, too,
because I’m over
because I’m over
here.here.

I’m not sure I would drink a spirit named “liquid testicles.” Oh, who am I The first of many substantial changes in my art style. I remember being
kidding. I probably would. INTENSELY FRUSTRATED with the art in this strip, a feeling that persists
to this day!
 Number Sixty-Nine: A Night at the Improv
FmeZ]jKaplq%Faf]29Fa_`l9lL`]Aehjgn Number Seventy: Vision Test
FmeZ]jKaplq%Faf]2NakagfL]kl 47
Marten, is that you? Okay, let me
try these on.

BONK
Ow, dammit!

Why are you in

the closet?

I thought this was the

bathroom! Thank goodness I did not
have my pants down yet!

I got you another Marten, these must have Oh hoorays,

pair of glasses. cost three hundred dollars! they are perfect!
How can you afford this?

I’m glad you

like them. They look
nice on you.

My health insurance
But how? You don’t
from work covered it.
wear glasses.

Let’s just say I,

uh, improvised.

Sir, if this is really your Ow! What the Christ

prescription, how on earth was that for?
did you find your way here
without your glasses on?

Magical vision
fairiers guided me. Boy-‐punching
Now just hand over is the best way
the damn glasses! for a girl to test
her depth-‐
perception.

This one turned out better. I actually like this style, looking back- the Faye is violent.
anatomy’s awful, but everyone’s heads are really cute.
 FmeZ]jK]n]flq2L`]j];Yf:]GfdqGf]
48 Number Seventy: There Can Be Only One FmeZ]jK]n]flq%Gf]2=pakl]flaYdakeAf9[lagf
Number Seventy One: Existentialism In Action
You know, Faye, I’m
effectively immortal. And
Marten, how with immortality comes
long am I going power. You should fear
to live? and respect me, for I
am a god.

Well, that
depends.

Hey wait
I guess if we kept upgrading no don’t-‐
your hardware as it began to
wear out, you could basically
stay alive as long as there
was compatible equipment.

Muahahaha! Immortality
is mine! I am like unto a god!

h !
On the other hand, I could
just wave a big magnet at you
cras Nietzsche would
and erase your hard drives. have approved.

Nietzsche is dead!

My first commandment is:

“Thou shalt not beget electro-‐
magnetism in the presence
of your Lord.”

I never feel like I do enough stuff involving the sci-fi elements of the QC This remains one of my favorite strips I’ve ever done. I don’t think I
universe. Everybody’s emotions always get in the way! topped it for something like 1000 comics.
 FmeZ]jK]n]flq%Log2>Yadmj]OYk9o]kge]
Number Seventy-Two: Failure Was Awesome FmeZ]jK]n]flq%L`j]]2;d]YjL`]Jgge
Number Seventy-Three: Clear the Room 49
Man, that Failure album
I just downloaded is really Oh man, I should not have
fucking good... ordered a burrito. I am going
to have killer death gas tonight.
Why do you sound
so depressed about
it then?

Heh, you girls

have it easy.

I dunno...I mean, I completely Oh? And why

missed out on them when they were is that?
still together. I feel like a total loser
for not having heard of them before,
and now I’ll never get the chance
to see them live or anything.

When a girl farts it is funny

and endearing. When a dude
farts, it’s just gross.

That is because girls’

farts smell like roses and
fresh-‐baked cookies.

Well, look at it this

way: in twenty years,
you’ll probably be one of
the very few people left
on the planet who can
even REMEMBER that
band. That’s got to
count for something.

Not judging by how

my bathroom smells after
you’ve been in there for
fifteen minutes.

And hey, at least you’re not Maybe we should not

one of those insufferable be having this conversation
dorks who is still devastated in a crowded diner.
that Pavement broke up.

Oh god, tell me
about it. Those people
are like a cult.
Quick, placate the
other patrons with your
rosy cookie gases!

For what it’s worth, Failure were FUCKING INCREDIBLE. People often ask me the secret to my success. I never told anyone until
now, but the secret to having a popular webcomic is to do jokes about
girls farting.
50 Number Seventy-Four: Friendly Punchings
FmeZ]jK]n]flq%>gmj2>ja]f\dqHmf[`af_k Number Seventy-Five: Provocative
FmeZ]jK]n]flq%>an]2Hjgng[Ylan]

Hey, let’s swing by

the coffee shop. I’ll
make us some drinks. Hi Dora.
Hi Faye.
Who’s the boy?

Sure, sounds
good to me.

This is Marten, the

This is really nice. guy I am staying with.
Marten, this is my
boss Dora.
Hmm?

Hi.
I am just happy to have
someone to hang out with.
You are fun to be around.

Your boyfriend
Why are you
is a cutie.
cringing?

He is not my
boyfriend, we are
just pals!

Ah, that’s a shame.

You two make quite
the dashing couple.

Whenever you say something Marten, you’d go

nice about me I always end up out with Faye, right?
getting punched.
I plead the fifth.
Aww, he’s terrified
of you. Definitely your
type, Faye darling.

Oh that is SO
not true. I also
kick you in the shins
sometimes!

Must maintain control...

must not punch boss in
her stupid gothy face...

If I knew a girl as violent as Faye in real life I don’t think I’d be friends Dora makes her first appearance! Much like all my other characters, I
with her had no idea she would have such a central role in the comic
 Number Seventy-Six: I Want That Mug
FmeZ]jK]n]flq%Kap2AOYflL`YlEm_ Number Seventy-Seven: Rawr
FmeZ]jK]n]flq%K]n]f2JYoj 51
‘Night kids. It was
I really hate how all nice meeting you,
the hipster boys are Good night, Dora.
Marten.
growing full beards
lately.

It is a
total scam.

You never see a bearded indie guy Hee hee, she completely
with a girlfriend, right? No girl wants to has a crush on you so bad.
make out with a hairy dude. Guys know this.
The beard is a way of saying “I am so totally
single right now it doesn’t even matter that
I have this nasty facial hair.”

What? No
way. Really?

Ever notice how girls always say stuff

like “oh man that boy would be so much cuter Oh definitely. She will work
if he didn’t have that awful beard?” When the dude her spooky charms upon you
eventually DOES shave it off, those girls are all and make you her slave!
“oh em gee want want want.” If he never had the
beard, the girls wouldn’t have fixated on him
in the first place.

Somehow I
doubt it.
It is a smarmy conspiracy
to manipulate indie girls!

And you’re bucking Do not fear, I am protective

the trend by remaining like a mother bear. If she tries
clean-‐shaven? to cast any sexy spells I will
Hell no, I would totally get maul her ferociously!
in on the action if I were able
to grow more than four hairs
on my face.

Suddenly my
life feels like a
I just imagined you with Tenchi Muyo
a white-‐trash ‘stache and episode.
it made me very very sad.

The indie-rock beard was a new development when I did this comic! Oh Marten, you have no idea how right you are.
Seven years later and they are more popular than ever, and I still can’t
grow one.
52 FmeZ]jK]n]flq%=a_`l2O`gHmlL`]Ca[c:Y[c7
Number Seventy-Eight: Who Put the Kick Back? FmeZ]jK]n]flq%Faf]2AOYflL`gk]Hgkl]jk<Yeeal
Number Seventy-Nine: I Want Those Posters Dammit!
What makes you so Look, there is no way
sure she is attracted Dora can possibly be
to me? interested in me.

There are not

enough adjectives in
the English language
to describe how
It is woman’s wrong you are.
intuition kicking in!

Give yourself a little credit,

Besides, what makes you so
Marten. You can be quite the
sure she does NOT in fact want
charming boy when you are not
to squeeze your bottom?
thinking too much.

The Second Law

of Sexual Dynamics,
that’s what.

Ah, but in this case, the First Law: I am certain there are
“In a given dispute, the female is more plenty of girls who are
likely to be correct,” trumps the attracted to you, and you
Second Law quite soundly. just don’t know it.

That still doesn’t

prove anything,
though.

E]Yfo`ad]&&&
Congratulations, that is
Does Dora’s favorite
the single most frustratingly
little kitty want to hear
open-‐to-‐interpretation statement
about the dashing young
I have ever heard someone utter.
man Dora met today?

mew?

I have
attained
girlvana!

Mieville is named after the author China Mieville, who I recently met at Hee hee Faye’s surprised face in panel 4 hee hee hee
San Diego Comic Con. “Is the cat named after me?” He asked.
I nearly wet myself.
 FmeZ]j=a_`lq29fko]jFgl>gmf\
Number Eighty: Answer Not Found Number Eighty-One: No Peeking!
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Gf]2FgH]]caf_ 53
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Gf]2FgH]]caf_
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Gf]2FgH]]caf_
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Gf]2FgH]]caf_
Good morning!
Cup of coffee?
GoodGood morning!
morning!
Cup Cup of coffee?
ofGood morning!
coffee?
Cup of coffee?

What are
you two arguing
about?

Mnf.

Faye is convinced Mnf.Mnf.

that her boss Dora Mnf.
has a thing for me.

I am looking forward
You’re awfully to making coffees and
chipper this I am I looking
am looking forward
forward
You’re awfully sassing
toImaking lascivious
coffees
You’re awfully
morning. to making amcoffees
looking
customers. and and
forward
chipper
You’re this
awfully
chipper this sassing lascivious
to making
sassing coffees and
lascivious
morning.this
chipper
morning. customers.
sassing
customers. lascivious
morning. customers.
Is she
cuter than
Faye?

Well I...
uh, that is to say...
Um...

Why is it that girls who

work at
Why coffee
isthat shops
it that get hit
girls
Why
on is itoften,
soat girls whowho
anyway?
work
work at Why
coffee coffee shops
is itshops
that get get
girls whohit
hit
onoften,
onwork
so so
at often,
coffee anyway?
shops get hit
anyway?
on so often, anyway?

In a relaxed social
environment, patrons
doIn aIn
not
a relaxed
relaxed
expect me
social
social
to pour
environment,
Inespresso
a relaxed
environment, patrons
patronssocial
scalding
do not expect down
mepatrons
to pour
dotheir
not environment,
expect me to
shirtsespresso pour
when they
scalding
do
scaldingnot expect
espresso down
me to
down pour
proposition
their shirts me.
when
theirscalding
shirts when theythey
espresso down
proposition
their shirts
proposition me.
when they
me.
proposition me.

Go ahead, Marten. How can you do that

I want to see how you You...I mean and still keepyou
your
dojob?
HowHow
can can
you do that that
get yourself out of she’s...GAH!
and and
stillstill
How can
keep keep
youyour
your job?
do that
job?
this question. and still keep your job?

That is what
a 404 error
feels like.
Oh, Dora is ten times
worse than me.is When she
Oh, Oh,
caught Dora Dora
is ten
the disctrict
ten
timestimes
attorney
worseworse
Oh,
than than
Dora
me. me. When
is tanktop,
Whenten she
times
she
peeking
caught down
the her
disctrict attorney
caught worse
the
she than
disctrict
made me.
him cry When she
attorney
like
peeking
caught
peeking down down
the her
disctrict
her tanktop,
tanktop, attorney
a little
she made baby.
him cry like
peeking
she made down
him cryher
liketanktop,
ashe amade
littlelittle
baby.baby.
him cry like
a little baby.

The obvious answer is “I wanna do you both,” but that would’ve lead I made the mistake of asking out a barista once. It didn’t go well.
to punching. #humiliatingbookcommentary #Twitterhashtagsinprintedmaterials
54 Number Eighty-Two: Manly Drinks
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Log2EYfdq<jafck Number Eighty-Three: Special Forces
FmeZ]jw=a_`ly%L`r]]2wKh][lrYdw>gr[]k

What are you doing Like I said last

So what do you
here, Dora? You never work night, he’s a cutie.
think of Marten?
the morning shift.

Sarah called in sick

and no one else could
cover for her, so
here I am.

Does that mean you would

Especially since I was smother him with spooky smooches
That is a up until 4am last night
sucky thing! if given the chance?
working on someone’s
website.

I might, were it not for a

certain gal who is either being
extremely protective of him
or entertaining her own
secret designs.

For the last time, I do not

Oh no, let me guess! have hidden thoughts about Marten! Sure, right.
It was “NiteRayven’s Portal I am just his friend who is looking out
of Despair,” home to weepy, for his best interests.
florid prose and horrifically
morose poetry!
Shut your sarcasm
hole, Indie McEmopants.
It was no such thing.

You do not sound

very convinced.

Then it could only have While they ARE witty, The spectral voices of
been “DarkVyper’s Cave of your comments inch you the aether are telling me
Utter Emptiness,” the website closer to unemployment that you’re fibbing!
with so much black in it you with every passing
might as well just turn your second.
monitor off!

Well you can tell

the spectral forces
to shove it.

I wonder if DarkVyper’s Cave Of Utter Emptiness is cached anywhere. Dora’s always been more up-front than Faye.
 Number TEighty-Four: First Through the Door
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%>gmj2>ajklL`jgm_`L`]<ggj
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%>an]2Kladd:]ll]jL`YfL]d]eYjc]laf_
Number Eighty-Five: Still Better Than Telemarketing 55
Be right back, What kind of work
Dora. I need to do you do, anyway?
visit the ladies’
room.

Don’t fall in, we’re

officially open now.

Mostly clerical stuff-‐

filing, sorting the mail,
answering the phones.
With these hips Basically I am the
the risk is all but office bitch.
nonexistant. My
bottom shall stay
dry and secure!

I appreciate the
Oh, hello Marten! witty metaphor, but
I doubt your job is
THAT bad.

Oh uh hi Dora.
I was on my way
to work and thought
I’d stop by...

So do you just
want some coffee My business card.
or would you prefer
a quick fuck on the
counter?

Guh buh duh

huh wha?

I’m just kidding, you ass.

Holy moly, it really does
Faye is right, you are cute
list you as “Office Bitch.”
when you get flustered.

Remind me,
I’m still not sure Squeeeal like
which of you is
if my boss was joking a wage slave!
the evil twin
when he had those
of the other?
cards printed for me.

Much, MUCH more up-front than Faye. Marten’s job is based directly upon the horrible office job I had at the
time. The only good thing about it was that it made me miserable
enough to start QC (and I could spend the afternoons writing comics).
56 Number Eighty-six: Psychoethanologist
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Kap2Hkq[`g]l`Yfgdg_akl Number Eighty-Seven: Into the Sun
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%K]n]f2AflgL`]Kmf
So basically your problem is
Morning Marten. you’ve got two lovely lady friends
and you can’t decide which one
to pursue.

Or whether I
Hey boss. should even pursue
either of them.

Man, you look even more

glum than usual. Did your
dog die this weekend or Faye is a really cool girl,
something? and I think she flirts with me
sometimes, but she claims that
she’s just a friend. According to
Faye, Dora has a crush on me for
sure, but I barely know her and
Faye might just be wrong.

Nah, nothing Even if BOTH of them were

that bad. It’s interested in me, I’d still
just been a have no idea what to do.
weird couple
of days.

Ah, that sounds like Well, the only advice

code for girl-‐related I can give you is to think
troubles. with your heart, not
with your dick.

Yeah, I guess
you could say
that.

What you need is a

quick visit with the
company therapist.

Although to tell the truth,

We have a Yeah, the bottle of
I was totally thinking with my dick
company therapist? bourbon I keep hidden
when I first asked my boyfriend out,
in my desk.
and we’ve been together for
six years now.

Now that’s what While I suppose it’s

I call a good nice to know that thinking
health plan. with my wang could land
me a gay dude, it doesn’t
really help my situation.

Wishful thinking on my part. Have motivational posters ever actually motivated anyone?
 Number Eighty-Eight: Fightin’ Mood
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%=a_`l2>a_`lafEgg\ Number Eighty-Nine: Why Girls Hate the Cold
FmeZ]j=a_`lq%Faf]2O`q?ajdk@Yl]L`];gd\ 57
Oh damn it, I Do you want to
left my coat at go back and get it?
Faye? What It is five thirty! the coffee shop.
are you doing Let the weekend
here? begin!

Dora let me off

an hour early so I
decided to meet
you here at work.

I am feeling saucy,
like I could kick the asses No, I would rather Okay...
of three different things just go home.
this weekend!

Oh yeah?

I will kick Steve’s ass at Uh...why are you

drinking the booze, I will kick fondling yourself?
Pintsize’s ass at Trivial Pursuit,
and I will kick Dora’s ass at
being a sexy thing!

Heh.

I like how you’re talking Don’t you sass me!

I am not fondling!
about kicking peoples’ asses You will be added to the
It is chilly out, and I
while making punching motions. list! I can make room for
would prefer that my
one more!
nipples go un-‐ogled.

You know, you

could just ask
to borrow my
button-‐down
shirt.

Faye’s dialogue-whimsy is beginning to get out of hand. “No thank you Marten, I would rather walk down the street in broad
daylight, clutching at my breasts.”
58 FmeZ]jFaf]lq2AOak`A;gmd\<gL`Yl
Number Ninety: I Wish I Could Do That FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Gf]2KYdgOgmd\:]Hjgm\
Number Ninety-One: Salo Would Be So Proud
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Gf]2KYdgOgmd\:]Hjgm\
Your shirt smells Well, it’s better than
like boy-‐deodorant. walking down the street
I do not want to smell clutching your bosoms.
like a boy!
I just got off the phone
with
I justSteve. He’s
got off theonphone
his way
over asHe’s
with Steve. we on
speak.
his way
over as we speak.

Excellent, we will
all get drunk
Excellent, weand
willplay
allvieo
getgames
drunk together!
and play
vieo games together!

That is true. I might have caused You’re so

a car or bicycle accident due to my civic-‐minded.
massive sexiness!
I will pay for the pizza
Iifwill
youpaypayfor
forthe
thepizza
booze.
if you pay for the booze.

Sounds fair
to me...
Sounds fair
to me...

It was for your benefit too!

You might have walked straight
into a telephone pole!

Hey!
Hello Marten
and Faye! Hey!

Okay, no more
walking
Okay,around
no moreon the
ceiling. That “poonk”
walking around on the
noise That
ceiling. is driving me
“poonk”
noise iscrazy.
driving me
crazy.

Uh, how...?
Ha HA! Suction
feet
Ha HA!areSuction
not to be
feet trifled
are notwith!
to be Augh!
trifled with! Augh!

I did it with
the aid of
SCIENCE!

He is like a
psychotic
That is the least
gecko.
erotic
That ishickey I have
the least
eroticever seen.
hickey I have
ever seen.

In hindsight, “I DID IT WITH THE AID OF SCIENCE” would’ve made a And believe me, Faye has seen some unerotic hickies.
good t-shirt.
 FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmeh

Number Ninety-Two: MightOkay,

As Wellwhat
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmehJump
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmeh
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmeh should Number Ninety-Three: This Could Get Messy 59
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmeh
I get for you at the
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Log2Ea_`l9kO]ddBmeh
liquor store?
Okay, what should
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%L`j]]2L`ak;gmd\?]lE]kkq
Okay,Okay,whatwhat should
should
Okay,
I get
get what
forfor should
you at the
the
I Iwhat
get
for you you at the
Okay,
I get liquor
for you atatthe
should
store? FmeZ]jFaf]lq%L`j]]2L`ak;gmd\?]lE]kkq
I getliquor liquor
liquor
for you store?
store?
at the
store? I’m back. I got the drinks Hello Steve!
liquor store? and met Steve outside. Hello booze!
I’m back. I got the drinks Hello Steve!
and met Steve outside. Hello booze!

Something cheap and

mean! Booze with a name
like Squawkin’ Gobbler or
Something
Midnight
Something cheap
Something cheap
Hobo!
cheap andand
and
Something
mean! cheap
Booze with and
mean!mean!
Something
mean! Booze
Booze
Booze with
cheap
with aa
with
and
a
name
a name
name
name
likelike
Squawkin’ Gobbler
Squawkin’ or
like
mean! Squawkin’ a nameoror or
Gobbler
Gobbler
Booze withGobbler
like Squawkin’
Midnight
Midnight Hobo!
Midnight Hobo!
Hobo!
like Squawkin’ Gobbler
Midnight Hobo! or
Midnight Hobo!

Are you sure?

AreAre
Yes! High-‐quality
Are you
you sure?
booze
you sure?
sure?
Are you sure? Jesus Christ, what It is called Midnight
is for pansies. I am
Are you TOUGH!
sure? Hobo. It is a bourbon for
the hell are you drinking?
Yes!Yes!
High-‐quality booze I can smellChrist,
it fromwhat
here! tough
It isgirls,
called not pansy
Midnight
Yes! High-‐quality
High-‐quality booze
booze Jesus boys
Yes!
is for
is
High-‐quality
pansies.
for pansies.
booze
I am
am TOUGH!
I am TOUGH! the hell are you drinking? Hobo. It islike you.
a bourbon for
isis
Yes! for
for pansies. I Iam
High-‐quality
pansies. boozeTOUGH!
TOUGH! I can smell it from here! tough girls, not pansy
is for pansies. I am TOUGH! boys like you.

I am also tough,
can I have some
alcohol too? Pansy boys like me, eh?
II am
I am
am I amalsoalso
also
also
tough,
tough,
tough,
tough, I think you just got yourself You are on! I will drink you
can
can II have
can have some
I have some
some into a drinking contest, so far under the table you will
I am
can also tough,
Ialcohol
have some Pansy boys like me, eh?
too?
alcohol
alcohol too?too? lil’ missy. come outon!
You are in an Alcoholics
I will drink you
can alcohol
I have some
too? I think you just got yourself Anonymous
so far undermeeting in China!
the table you will
alcohol too? into a drinking contest,
lil’ missy. come out in an Alcoholics
Anonymous meeting in China!

No way, it would
totally short out
your insides.
No way,
No way,
No way, it would
it would
it would
Nototally
way, itshort
wouldout
totally
totally
Nototally
way, it short
would short
outout
yourshort
insides. out
Aww, but I want
your
totally your insides.
insides.
short out
your insides. to get drunk too!
your insides.
Aww,
Aww, Aww, butbut
but II want
want
I want
I can see it now! Randomly Aww,to get
get but I want
drunk too!too!
to get drunk
pinging skanky servers, picking Aww,totoget but drunk
drunkI want too!
too!
fights with more powerful computers, to get drunk too!
I can
can seesee
I can
reformatting it now!
now! Randomly
it now!
yourself Randomly
while Marten
I Ican
pinging
see
see ititnow!
skanky
Randomly
Randomly
servers, picking
holds pinging
your
Ipinging
can see itskanky
head
skankynow! servers,
upservers,
out of the
Randomly picking
toilet...
picking
pinging
fights skanky
with more servers,
powerful picking
computers,
fights
fights
pinging withwith more
moreservers,
skanky powerful
powerful computers,
computers,
picking Why do I suddenly see myself in Maybe you can
fights with more
reformatting powerful
yourself computers,
while Marten I would be
fights reformatting
reformatting
with more yourself
yourself
powerful while
while Marten
Marten
computers, the bathroom, holding one of you see into the future!
reformatting
holds your yourself
head outwhile
up out of theMarten
the toilet... like David
over theI toilet andsee
the myself
other in
holds
holds youryour
head head up out of the toilet...
reformatting
holds your head upupout
yourself ofofthe
while toilet...
Marten
toilet... Lee Roth! Why do suddenly
over the sink? one of you
Maybe
Maybeyouyouare
can
holds your head up out of the toilet... II would
I would
would
I would
bebe
be be the bathroom, holding Nostradamus!
see into the future!
likelike
David over the toilet and the other
I wouldlike
like be David
David
David Maybe you are
Lee
Lee Roth!
Lee
Roth! Roth! over the sink? Nostradamus!
like
Lee David
Roth!
Lee Roth!

Stop
encouraging Winner gets the
him! toilet, loser gets
Stop
StopStop
Stop
encouraging the sink!
Winner gets the
encouraging
encouraging
Stop
encouraging
him!him! toilet, loser gets
him!
encouraging
him! the sink!
him!

If I ever distill my own whiskey, I am totally naming it Midnight Hobo. Wouldn’t it be easier to lean them both over the bathtub?
60 FmeZ]jFaf]lq%>gmj29lD]YklK`]kFgl9Jgl`cg
Number Ninety-Four: At Least She’s Not a Rothko Number Ninety-Five: Not Very Nice
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%>an]2FglN]jqFa[]

So where’s Sara? Oh, uh... All right kids,

I assumed you would well we aren’t have a good night.
be bringing her really seeing each It’s time for me to
along tonight. other anymore. slouch on home.

See you later,

Steve. Nighty night!

Man, I’m still pretty wired.

Anything in particular you feel Oh, I’ve got
Aww, that is a shame! like doing? a great idea.
What prompted the split?

This is going
to sound really
shallow, but...

You know how Cubist

paintings are all weird, Why don’t
with the awkward angles you and I...
and uncomfortable
juxtaposition?

Yeah, sure.

Well that is basically ...Go to the all-‐night

what Sara was like in diner and get us some
the bedroom, if you catch tasty pancakes!
my drift.

I am comparable
Oof, to a Monet. Jerking
Guernica. off can be likened to
Ouch. a Warhol print!

Jesus Christ,
I’m like Charlie Brown
and his goddamned
football.

All those art history courses I took in high school are finally paying off. I read a lot of Peanuts growing up, but I was always more of a Bloom
County kind of guy.
 Number Ninety-Six: It Will Rise Again
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Kap2AlOaddJak]9_Yaf Number Ninety-Seven: That Thing You Do
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%K]n]f2L`YlL`af_Qgm<g
61
It was a buncha
Whooeee, Midnight Hobo So what made
things, like my mom
can sure mess a gal up. you decide to
bein’ all over-‐protective
move up north?
an’ stuff.

You never did

explain why you get
that southern drawl
after you’ve had
a lot of booze.

Ain’t I told you

I wanted ta start over,
before? I’m a
ya know? Go somewhere new,
Georgia peach
see if I could meet me some
at heart!
new folks to hang out with.

So that’s where
you’re originally
from?

Born ‘n raised!
I can
understand
that.

Man, your mom must

have really freaked out when ‘Sides, other’n losin’ all my
you moved up north. stuff in the toast fire of doom,
I been doin’ pretty good.

Bawled her eyes Ain’t every day a gal

out fer three days meets a nice fella who’s
straight. “Oh, my willin’ to take her in.
baby’s leavin’ me fer
Yankee territory!”

Let me guess, then she got the

apors and had to go fan herself So is the talent for making
out on the porch while sipping ambiguous, semi-‐platonic statements
a mint julep. like that one a southern thing?
Naw, honey.
It’s a female thing.

Don’t y’all be a
smartass now, us
southern belles fight
mean when we’re
hammered.

I got so many angry emails about how a real Southerner would never At this point I was already hinting that Faye had…something that had
use “y’all” to refer to a single person. happened in her past, but even I wasn’t sure what it was yet.
62 Number Ninety-Eight: I Am Trying to Eat Your Pancakes
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%=a_`l2A9eLjqaf_Lg=YlQgmjHYf[Yc]k Number Ninety-Nine: Almost Psychic
FmeZ]jFaf]lq%Faf]29degklHkq[`a[

Whoo Lord, I think the

There, now you won’t
booze is startin’ to turn
be praying for death
around on me.
tomorrow morning.

That half-‐pound
of pancakes you just
devoured probably
isn’t helping, either.

Aw come on, it
I couldn’t help it! Well, you reap Thanks for the water, Marten. was just a glass
I was ravenous! what you sow. You’re a very nice boy. of water.

I’m gonna be so sad if I Tell you what-‐ if you barf

throw up. Those pancakes I’ll write you a sad song about
were too tasty to waste your lost pancakes.
like that.

Let me guess. You’re only

Ooh! Make it like Xiu Xiu, Actually I was thinking resting your head on my shoulder
only about pancakes insteaf more along the lines of Wilco, so the room will stop spinning.
of dicks! Or like The Wrens, only about pancakes instead
only about pancakes of lost love and shrieking
instead of adultery! laptop feedback.

You are as
perceptive as
I am drunk.

I finally saw Xiu Xiu live a few months ago. Great show. They did not But wait, where did her drunk bubbles go??? IS SHE DRUNK?!?!?!?
sing about pancakes.
FmeZ]j)((2:Y\Laeaf_

FmeZ]j)((2:Y\Laeaf_
Number 100: Bad Timing
FmeZ]j)((2:Y\Laeaf_ 63
Woops!

Woops!

Woops!

What the hell do you

think you are doing?!

What the hell do you I promise, it was

You had better not a complete accident!
think you are doing?!
What the hell do you be lying. Girls can
think you are doing?! smell a lie.
I promise, it was
You had better not a complete accident!
be lying. Girls can I promise, it was
Youahad
smell lie. better not a complete accident!
be lying. Girls can
smell a lie.

It was an accident!
I thought you’d be
changing in the bathroom!
Please don’t make
It was an accident!
with the killing!
I thought you’d be
changing inItthe
was an accident!
bathroom!
Please Idon’t
thought
make you’d be
changing in the bathroom!
with the killing!
Please don’t make
with the killing!

How come you’re being

so suspicious of me, anyway?
Don’t you trust me by now?
How come you’re being
so suspicious of me, anyway?
Don’t you How come
trust you’re
me by now?being
so suspicious of me, anyway?
Don’t you trust me by now?

One can never be

too careful. A girl has
to protect her assets.
Also her breastets.
One can never be
too careful. A girl has
to protectOnehercan never be
assets.
toobreastets.
Also her careful. A girl has
to protect her assets.
Also her breastets.

Seriously, who just changes in the middle of the living room like that?
64 Number 101: Airplane Smile
FmeZ]j)()29ajhdYf]Kaead] Number 102: Curses
FmeZ]j)(*2;mjk]k
...And I totally Did you do the
walked in on her while prudent thing and Oh, uh, hi
Dora! There Raven. What’s
she was changing. immediately you are!
turn around? new?

Why haven’t you Well, um,

No, I just sort I’ve been meaning
Well that wasn’t been to, like, the last
of stood there to tell you...
very wise. fifteen coven meetings?
and gaped.

I couldn’t
help it!

It was like being caught in Pardon me, but did you call yourself Raven just
the headlights of a landing 747. now? Are you aware that you have named yourself
A 747 whose passengers were after a mite-‐infested, carrion-‐eating bird that is
sexiness and rage. the vector for several infectious diseases?

I’ll bet that sexiness

gets way more frequent
flyer miles than rage.

Oh, please do not put another

E]Yfo`ad]2 What’s the big deal? Marten didn’t curse on me. I would not want to
Actually, that’s a
even see anything. Hell, if he comes in wake up tomorrow morning trapped in an
pretty good description
today I’ll flash him. I don’t mind jiggling Anne Rice novel, my only companions a
of Raven’s coven.
a little boobage in a cute boy’s fave. group of weepy, effeminate vampires!

Dora!

I’m so
bitching you out
in my DeadJournal
tonight.

I hardly ever do “MEANWHILE” transitions like that. Not sure why, but it Man, remember DeadJournal?
triggers my OCD.
 FmeZ]j)(+29;geegf=p[mk]
Number 103: A Common Excuse Number 104: His Mom Got Him Those
FmeZ]j)(,2@akEge?gl@aeL`gk] 65
There is something infinitely So do you think Faye
Heh. It doesn’t
satisfying about sending that take much to get is really pissed at you?
girl out of the shop in a huff.
Raven huffy.

I dunno, she certainly

seemed irate enough when
she stormed off to work.

You did not exactly rush to

her defense. I thought you You should just go
two were friendly-‐like. apologize, I bet she’s
cooled off by now.

Oh, don’t get me wrong,

Raven and her little group
are nice enough kids. I’ve
been getting kinda tired No way, it’d be
of the whole goth scene way too embarassing
lately, though. to apologize in front
of everybody at the
coffee shop.

You should hang out with Marten Gah! Why are you
and Steve and I! We do not subscribe taking off your pants?!
to any “scene” or its silly fashions.

Heh. So says
the girl wearing
$200 Diesel jeans.

I only bought them because

they make my butt look nicer than Hmm, that is a I’m helpin’ you out! I’ll be a distraction
most pairs of pants! They are a nice butt. May so you can apologize without everyone
special exception to the rule! I grab it? noticing!

I’ll help!
I am completely
naked!

Dora!

Steve, put your

pants on. Pintsize,
shoot Steve with
your laser if he
doesn’t do it.

How did Faye afford a $200 pair of pants on a coffee shop salary? This was apparently a “bonus comic”- that is, a comic I did on a day on
which I didn’t usually update. Those were the days.
66 FmeZ]j)(-2AlkL`]L`gm_`lL`Yl;gmflk
Number 105: The Thought That Counts Number 106: Faye Is Not Squeamish

Package for you. For me? FmeZ]j)(.2>Yq]AkFglKim]Yeak`

Thanks.
So are you
going to keep it?

Eww, no way!
Lord only knows
where that thing
has been!

Ooh, what did you get?

Who sent it to you?

Faye, are
Looks like it’s from you here?
my mom, she’s always Gah,
sending me random stop it!
little presents.

Oh, quit being

so squeamish,
Dora!

“Dear Dora, I know you’re enjoying the single

life, but I imagine you must feel lonely at times.
I was poking around on eBay the other day and came
across something I think will do you a world of good. Aiigh! Get it
It’s called the Pulse-‐Master 9000, I hope you away from me! Come on, you
enjoy it! Love, Mom.” know you want it!

Okay, this raises two disturbing questions. Okay, either I’m having my
One, why on earth would my mother buy me a vibrator? first wet dream in ten years,
Two, what the hell was she shopping for on eBay when or Pintsize put some LSD in my
she “came across” this? Cheerios this morning.

Holy Christ, this

thing would intimidate It wants to be
Catherine the Great! your special friend!

I know kung fu!

Don’t make me break
your limbs, Faye!

To be honest, it probably wouldn’t have intimidated Catherine the Great. It’s so funny to look back and see DORA of all people being squeamish
She was pretty unflappable. about a sex toy.
 Number 107: Marten Gets Sassy
FmeZ]j)(/2EYjl]f?]lkKYkkq FmeZ]j)(02Eqkl]jagmkLYllgg
Number 108: Mysterious Tattoo 67
You keep away Oh come now, it is Oh man, that is the
from me with a gift from your mother! worst bruise I have
Surely it would break her ever had! Ow!
that thing!
heart if you were to
refuse it!

Serves you right,

playing a trick like
that on an innocent
girl such as me.

Oh my gosh, I think that’s one of MY Well anyway, I came over Oh, do not worry about
old vibrators! Man, that thing’s probably to apologize for barging in it. Dora is right, you did not
spent 250 hours in my ass over the years. on you this morning. see anything that you would
I thought I’d never see it again when I not see at a swimming pool
put it up on eBay two weeks ago! or on the beach.

Your apology is accepted.

From now on I am going to...
What is going on behind my back
that is so fascinating?

I hope you are aware that

your little put-‐on has earned Dora, you Did I ever!
you a brutal punching. didn’t! Hee hee!

The look on your face just

now was totally worth it.

It’s a shame you

were joking, I thought Okay, LSD in my cereal
it was kinda hot. has been ruled out. This is
definitely a wet dream.

This strip comes off a little forced to me now. I probably could’ve just First naked back I ever drew! So many weird milestones in this job.
done a beat panel, then the panel of Faye dropping the vibrator, and
that would’ve been funnier.
68 Number 109: Baked Goods FmeZ]j))(2K`];YffY]LYc]Em[`Egj];YhlYaf
Number 110: She Cannae Take Much More Captain
FmeZ]j)(12:Yc]\?gg\k
Okay, my shift is up.
Shall we be going, Marten?
All right, all right, the
shirt is back on. I’ve mortified
you enough for one day.

Sure.

Truly, I have been

scandalized by your
scarcely-‐clad
shenanigans.

Dora, you should swing by Marten’s

apartment tonight. Come join in our
What is that tattoo you have reindeer games!
on your backside, anyway?

Oh, uh...
Well, it was gonna be a full well I’d love to,
back piece of an angel fighting but I reallty need
a demon over a lake of fire. I to do laundry and
can’t afford to have it finished clean my kitchen
yet, so right now it’s just the and stuff.
lake of fire.

Boo to laundry and cleaning! It is

Before you poke fun at the weekend, you should come hang out! Next time,
my posterior, consider your I promise we are more fun than your gothy I promise.
So your ass, it is
own, which would appear to friends, we are way awesomer.
a lake of fire. You
have a fire ass. be made entirely of
donuts and Crisco.

Marten, tell Dora that you Careful, Faye

Marten, explain to this deluded will give her smooches or something I don’t think he
woman that my bottom is not composed if she comes over tonight. can handle any
of baked goods and shortening! more innuendo
Huh buh today.
duh wha?

I’m sorry, did you

say something?
I’m still kinda in
tit-‐shock.

Is Dora ever gonna get that tattoo finished? The “huh buh duh wha” thing would eventually become Marten’s
trademark “confused grunty noises” response to confusing situations.
 Number 111: The Goth Bulletin Number 112: Ctrl-Alt-Delete
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code 69
FmeZ]j)))2L`]?gl`:mdd]laf
FmeZ]j))*2;ljd9dl<]d
Number
I wonderTwenty-six:
why Dora Dress Code
FmeZ]j)))2L`]?gl`:mdd]laf
did not want to come So do you think
I wonder whywith
have lunch Doraus. Dora has nicer breasts
did not want to come than I do?
have lunch with us.

Guh? Um,
why are you
asking?

Well, she said

she needed to clean
Well,doshe
and said and
laundry
she needed to clean
stuff tonight...
and do laundry and
stuff tonight... It is something a girl
likes to know, that is all!
It is curiosity and
nothing more.

Do not be dense, Marten.

That is the second-‐oldest excuse in No way. There is no answer
theDofemale
not be handbook,
dense, Marten.
right after I can possibly give that won’t
That is having
the second-‐oldest excuse
to wash one’s hair! in land me in trouble. I’m not
the female handbook, right after
getting into this one.
having to wash one’s hair!

Why are you so

intent on getting her
Why
to areover
come you tonight,
so
intent onanyway?
getting her
to come over tonight,
anyway?
Oh come on! It is a
perfectly innocent
inquiry, I promise!

Dora is a lady just beginning to break So Wayne Coyne is

out of her spooky shell. We will help her by the antidote to wearing
Dora is aher
exposing ladytojust beginning
good, to break
happy things such as So of
lots Wayne
blackCoyne is
and listening
out of her spookyand
sunlight shell.
theWe will help
Flaming her by
Lips. thetoantidote
Apoptygmato wearing
Berzerk?
exposing her to good, happy things such as lots of black and listening
sunlight and the Flaming Lips. to Apoptygma Berzerk? tI think you have
very good-‐looking
breasts, Faye.

He turns gothy frowns to Wow, I think that’s the first

indie grins, as surely as Having one’s bosoms
indie-‐rock couplet I’ve ever heard.
He turnsYoshimi
gothy frowns
wins! to Wow, I think that’s the first complimented by a computer
indie grins, as surely as indie-‐rock couplet I’ve ever heard. is either flattering or totally
Yoshimi wins! creepy, I am not sure which.

I am like a hipster
Emily Dickinson, only Well considering all the porn
I am
notlike a hipster
a gay shut-‐in! Control alt delete!
I’ve downloaded for Marten,
Emily Dickinson, only Control alt delete!
I think I’m pretty objective-‐
not a gay shut-‐in!

I guess I didn’t think the term “hipster” was a perjorative back then. Now Hey, Faye’s glasses are finally starting to separate from her eyes! It’s
I wouldn’t be caught dead uttering the word. funny remembering how much trouble this gave me. Now drawing her
glasses is second nature. BABY STEPS
70 Number 113: Scrabble Kidnapping Plot
FmeZ]j))+2K[YZZd]Ca\fYhhaf_Hdgl
Number 114: Faye-2 Apartments-0
FmeZ]j)),2>Yq]*$9hYjle]flk(

Dora is completely lame Yeah, well, there’s We have come I tried to

for not coming over tonight. nothing we can do. Faye? Marten? to rescue you from stop her, but she
a night of boredom wouldn’t listen.
and drudgery!

She is missing out

on one hell of a
Scrabble game.

Okay, that does it. Look, I appreciate it,

Marten, you and I are going to go but I really have to-‐
kidnap Dora and force her to have
a good time tonight.

Wait, what?

Shush shush,
off we go.

Faye, she said she Wait, Faye don’t-‐

was busy tonight. This is
a really bad idea.

You are
coming with
If it is such a bad idea, CLICK us, and that
why are you putting on is final!
your jacket?

Well, seeing as you just locked me out

It’s obvious that nothing I say is going to of my own apartment, I suppose I could At least she
deter you, but at least now I have plausible tag along with you guys this evening. didn’t burn it
deniability for when Dora asks what the hell down.
we’re doing on her doorstep.
Um...oops?

Oh admit it, you just want

to see her topless again.

I often talk about how much I hate my old artwork, but this period is My very first apartment had a self-locking front door. I’ve lost track of
actually pretty cute! Anatomy’s still terrible, though how many times I accidentally shut myself out.
 Number 115: Clank
FmeZ]j))-2;dYfc Number 116: Hipster Sweeties
FmeZ]jw11.2w@ahst]jwKw]]la]k
FmeZ]jw11.2w@ahst]jwKw]]la]k 71
FmeZ]jw11.2w@ahst]jwKw]]la]k
FmeZ]jw11.2w@ahst]jwKw]]la]k
This is Pintsize, Nice to meet you, All she
All ever playsplays
she ever
So what kind kind
So what of music
of music AllAll
shesheever plays
ever plays
my AnthroPC. little guy. I’m Dora. So what kind ofof
music
areSo what
you
are youkind
into, Dora?
into, music
Dora? at the
atat
atcoffeeshop
the
the coffeeshop
thecoffeeshop
coffeeshop
are you
are youinto, Dora?
into, Dora? is The isCure.
The Cure.
is is
The Cure.
The Cure.

Oh, you’re the girl

who flashed Marten?

That’s because
That’s they’re
because they’re
That’s because
That’s because they’re
they’re
one ofonethe
ofonly
the bands
only I likeI like
bands
oneoneofof
the only
the bands
only bandsI like
I like
that wouldn’t
that scare
wouldn’t scare
that wouldn’t
that wouldn’tscare
scare
awayawayour customers.
our customers.
away our customers.
away our customers.

Word gets around Oh yeah? WhatWhat

Oh yeah? kind kind
fast, I see. OhOh
yeah?
yeah?What
Whatkind
kind
Harlots frequently of scary stuffstuff
of scary are you
are you
ofof
scary
scarystuff
stuffare you
are you
find themselves the into, then?
into, then?
into, then?
into, then?
Heheh well it just subject of gossip.
sorta came up in
conversation...

Let’sLet’s
see...Opeth and some
see...Opeth and some
Let’s see...Opeth
Let’s see...Opeth and some
and some
otherother
melodic death
melodic metal
death bands,
metal bands,
other
othermelodic
melodicdeath metal
death bands,
metal bands,
Isis,Isis,
Slayer, Mastodon,
Slayer, Mastodon,
Isis, Slayer, Mastodon,
theIsis,
the Slayer,
Blood Mastodon,
Brothers...
Blood Brothers...
the Blood
the Brothers...
Blood Brothers...

Why are
Why you
are looking at at
you looking
Why
Whyare
areyou looking at
Oh lighten up, Faye. me funny?
me Didyou
funny? IDidlooking
just fail at
I just fail
memefunny? DidDid I just fail
The chastity belt must be kindfunny?
somesome of secret
kind I just
hipster
of secret fail
hipster
I do not wear some kind of
somescreeningsecret
kind process?
of secret hipster
hipster
really chafing your fanny screening process?
a chastity belt! screening
screening process?
process?
today or something.

No, no.No,I’m
no.just not really
I’m just not really Somewhere,
Somewhere, a boya with a
boy with a
No, no.no. I’mI’m
just not really
howNo,
suresure to
how behave just
to behave not
around really
a girla girl
around blonde
Somewhere,
Somewhere,
mullet
blonde
a boy
and aand
mullet a boywith
t-‐shirt
a
with
withawith
a t-‐shirt
sure
surehowhow totobehave
behave around
arounda girl
who is
whoway more
is way metal
more metal I a girl
thanthan I blonde
blonde
a skull
mullet
mullet
on it on
a skull
and
just anda t-‐shirt
a
got agot
it just
with
t-‐shirt
boner, with
a boner,
whowhois is
way way more
more metal than I
I bet your ass goes will ever be. be. than I
will ever metal a skull
andahe
on
skull
and heon
does
it just
it just
not
does
got
notgot
know
a boner,
a boner,
why.
know why.
It does no such thing! willwill
ever be.
ever be. and hehe
does not know why.
CLANK when you sit and does not know why.
It goes smoosh just like
down on a hard
any other girl’s bottom!
surface!

Aww,Aww, are you

are all
you all
Aww,Aww,are you
are youallall
intimidated now?
intimidated now?
intimidated
intimidated now?
now?
See what I mean? That’s so cute!
That’s so cute!
That’s soso
That’s cute!
cute!
They’re like two
wet cats fighting
in a sack.

Only sexier!

Questionable Content: Comic Strips About Ladies’ Bottoms Faye’s making a reference to Metal Steve, another character from the webcomic
Diesel Sweeties. DS was either the first or second webcomic I ever read and a big
inspiration for starting one of my own.
72 Number 117: Nighty Night Number 118: Evasive Action Underpants
FmeZ]j))/2Fa_`lqFa_`l FmeZ]j))02=nYkan]9[lgfMf\]jhYflk

I appreciate you lending

I think all Yeah, I’m me these pajamas, but I think
the booze is bushed. they’re a little big on me.
making me want
to pass out.

Mmm, sleep... Well some of us have

a bit more meat on their
bones than others. You
could be put out in a corn
field to frighten off any
marauding crows.

So what are Oh, uh, well you can Very funny. Now it’s time for
the sleeping sleep in my bed, Faye can some girl-‐talk. What’s the deal with
That is a you and Marten, seriously? Anything
arrangements? keep the couch, and I’ll
silly idea. going on there?
just crash on the floor.

I might ask
you the same
thing.

You already know what

I think of him, squishy-‐ass.
He’s the kind of boy that I
would not mind smoochin’.

Marten, you take the couch. Dora

and I will each take a side of the bed. So? What are your
This way we all sleep comfortably and feelings about our skinny,
in a chaste manner. dark-‐haired host?

I guess that
makes sense...

Marten is a nice young

man, he is fun to be around
and always there for me
Share a bed with me, Faye, when I need him.
and there will be very little of
your precious chastity left
in the morning. Rowr.

Well great. Thanks to that

You two keep your That’s all well and good, but
mental image, my genitalia have
erections and lesbian you didn’t answer my question.
decided to pull an all-‐nighter.
tendencies to yourselves!

Hee hee!

ZZZ WHAT IS THAT I CANNOT

HEAR YOU I AM ASLEEP SO HARD
RIGHT NOW ZZZ SNORE

Mitch Clem from the comic Nothing Nice To Say did a really funny fan comic where Faye enjoys being coy a little TOO much
Marten’s genitals can’t take any more stress and finally just explode. It was a real risk
for the poor guy!
 Number 119: Morning Persons Number 120: Like a Vulcan 73
FmeZ]j))12Egjfaf_H]jkgfk FmeZ]j)*(2Dac]9Nmd[Yf

Morning girls. Okay, I gotta run.

Did you sleep My landlord’s meeting
all right? me at the apartment
to unlock it for me.

Right on,
see you
around.

Definitely,
I had fun.

Meh. Faye Oh I do Look at the suave boy!

snores. not! You earned yourself some major
points with Dora, you know.

What are you

talking about?

You, skinny little

It is a classic scenario! Dora gets locked
stinker that you are,
out of her apartment, you let her stay at
fart in your sleep!
your place, she has a good time, you are the
total gentleman. Girls are unable to resist
that sort of thing! She is probably so hot
for you right now her underwear is
in danger of igniting.

I had a burrito
for dinner, I can’t
help that!

Well it made it
extremely hard
to sleep next to you,
Miss GassyPants.

Harsh words from a At least my bottom Faye, by that logic

girls whose sinus cavities does not sound like a you’d have put me in the
sound like a jet engine. hippopotamus practicing hospital due to sexual
his tuba! exhaustion by now.
I slept
well.

Hmm. Do I admit to a flaw

in my normally impeccable
reasoning, or do I just punch
you for being a smartass?
Yeah, me
too.

Errors: A Hippopotamus could not possibly play the tuba due to the size and shape Marten’s wearing an American Analog Set t-shirt. AAS were the first band I really
of its mouth. liked where one of the members turned out to be a reader of the comic! It was
extremely exciting.
74 Number 121: A Computer Named Sue
FmeZ]j)*)29;gehml]jFYe]\Km]
Number 122: 1337 Man
FmeZ]j)**2D++l%EYf
FmeZ]j)*)29;gehml]jFYe]\Km] FmeZ]j)**2D++l%EYf
I feel like a traitor,
So what do you feel I feel like Now remember, Pintsize. No
intoa another
traitor,
FmeZ]j)**2D++l%EYf
walking
So what
like do today?
doing you feel FmeZ]j)**2D++l%EYf
walking intolike
another Now remember,
firing the laser, no Pintsize.
cramming No
coffeeshop this.
like doing today? I feel like a traitor,
coffeeshop like this. firing thefilters
coffee laser, down
no cramming
your
I feel
walking likeanother
into a traitor, Now remember,
coffee
CD drive, Pintsize.
filters
and no No
down your
picking fights
walking into firingNow
theremember,
laser, Pintsize.
noAnthroPCs.
cramming No
coffeeshop like another
this. CDwith
drive,
the and no
Apple picking fights
Can we go to the coffeeshop like this. firing
coffee the
the laser,
with filters down
Apple no your
cramming
AnthroPCs.
Can we goPlease?
LANpark? to the coffee
CD drive, and filters down
no picking your
fights
LANpark? Please? CD drive,
with and AnthroPCs.
the Apple no picking fights
with the Apple AnthroPCs.

I promise I
I promise
will behave.I
will behave.
I promise I
I promise I
will behave.
will behave.

My owner modded me!

Oh, it’s this internet cafe My owner
One minute moddeddown
I’m shutting me! for
What is this Oh, it’s
where this internet
people can bringcafe
their Hey guys what’s-‐ One
whatminute
he saysI’misshutting down for
some “routing
What is thing?
“LANpark” this where people
AnthroPCs tocan bring their
socialize and Hey guys what’s-‐ My owner
what he says
maintenance,” modded
is some
next thing me!
“routing
I know I’m
“LANpark” thing? AnthroPCsstuff.
to socialize and Good Lord what happened One MyI’m
minute owner
maintenance,” modded
shutting
next down me!
for job
GoodtoLord what happened
you, Ellninerr? waking up with this thing
awful I paint
know I’m
stuff. One minute
what I’m shutting down
paint for
Heytoguys
you, what’s-‐
Ellninerr? and he
an says
waking up with
acrylicis window
some
this “routing
awful
displaying job That is really
Hey guys what’s-‐ what
and an he
maintenance,” says
next
acrylic is some
thing
window I “routing
know I’m
displaying That is man.
harsh, really
Good Lord what happened my internal organs.
maintenance,” next thing I know
Good Lord
to you, what happened waking
Ellninerr? up my
withinternal
this awful paint
organs. job I’m harsh, man.
to you, Ellninerr? waking
and an up
acrylic with
windowthis awful paint
displaying job That is really
andmyan internal
acrylic window
organs. displaying harsh, Thatman.
is really
my internal organs. harsh, man.

That is certainly I don’t think so. I just

That is certainly
a novel concept. I’m really sorry, Ell. I don’tI didn’t
think so.
So can we go? wish lookI like
just What are you
a novel concept. IsI’m really
there sorry,I can
anything Ell.
wish
Sowe?
Can can we
Cango?
we? Is there anything someI sortdidn’toflook
rejectlike What
going to are you
do now,
do to help? I can I don’t
some think so.ofvillain.
sort I just
reject
Can we? Can we? I’m really do sorry, Ell.
to help? Megaman going to
Ell?do now,
I’m really sorry, wish I Megaman
don’t think
I didn’t lookso. I just
like
villain. What are you
Is there anything I canEll. wish I didn’t look like
Ell?
Is do
there anything I can
to help? some sort of reject goingWhat
to doarenow,you
do to help? some sort
Megaman of reject
villain. going
Ell?to do now,
Megaman villain. Ell?

Sure, why not.

Sure,
You why not.
haven’t set
You haven’t
anything on set
fire
anything on fire
lately.
lately.

Hooray! Just let me do a

Hooray!
quick Just
virus let me
scan anddo
disca
quick virus scan
optimization. I wantand
todisc
look
optimization. I want
nice for the to look
ladies.
nice for the ladies.

Wait, how does one You know how a boy rattlesnake can still My plan is to wait until my owner
Wait, how whether
ascertain does onea You know how
recognize a rattlesnake,
a girl boy rattlesnake
evencan still
though My asleep
falls plan is tonight,
to wait untilthenmycut owner
a hole
ascertain
computerwhether
is male a recognize a girl
they look the rattlesnake,
same? even
It’s kinda likethough
that. in hisfalls
chestasleepandtonight,
tape some thenSaran
cut a hole
Wrap
computer is male
or female? they look the same? It’s kinda like that. My
in hisplan
over it. I is
chest to
and
figure,waittape until
if it’ssome my Saran
good owner
enoughWrapfor
or female? falls Myit.plan is to ifwait until my owner
measleep
over it’s Igood tonight,
figure,enough then
it’s cut
good
for a hole
enough
him, right?for
in his me falls
chest it’sasleep
and
good tonight,
tape
enoughsomefor then
SarancutWrap
him, a hole
right?
Data packets
overin his
it. Ichest
figure, and tape
if it’s some
good Saranfor
enough Wrap
Data packets
instead of
instead of
pheromones! meover it. I figure,
it’s good enough if it’s
forgood
him, enough
right? for
me it’s good enough for him, right?
pheromones!

An admirable plan, but

An admirable
one that wouldplan, but
get you
one that If you put a window in my
thrown in a would
plastic get you
shredder If you put a window
An admirable
thrown plan, shredder
in a plastic but owner’s torso, all you in my
would
immediately. owner’s torso,and
all you
oneAn admirable
that would getplan,
immediately. you but see is Cheetos Redwould
Bull.
If you
see isputCheetos
a window andinRed
myBull.
thrownone in athat would
plastic get you
shredder If you put aall
window in my
thrown owner’s torso, you would
immediately. shredder
in a plastic
immediately. seeowner’s
is Cheetostorso,
andallRedyou would
Bull.
see is Cheetos and Red Bull.

The LANpark was inspired by a local coffee shop where practically everyone there At the time, I was drawing QC on a ridiculous homebrew PC with a window in the
had some sort of Apple laptop. This was back before the current ubiquity of Apple in side and all kinds of crazy lights inside the case. I kind of miss that computer, it was
the portable sphere, so it was somewhat remarkable. pretty hilarious.
 Number 115: Clank
FmeZ]j)*+2Ea[jg[gke
Number 124: Sudden Interruption
FmeZ]j)*,2Km\\]fAfl]jjmhlagf 75
FmeZ]j)*,2Km\\]fAfl]jjmhlagf
I am sorry! It’s okay, it’s not
So I was talking to Steve I am
I did notsorry!
mean to It’sbroken.
really okay, it’s not
That was
the other day and he’s all Ibreak
did not mean
your to
arm! areally
hell ofbroken.
a punch,That was
though.
“Dude you have to help me, I have break your arm! a hell of a punch, though.
a date tomorrow and I need some
good make-‐out music!”
So that’s the girl
who is living with you
and your owner now? He is such a
smarmodon!

Yeah, her name

is Faye.

Marten, I would like to apologize

Hehe yeah. I told him to Marten,
for being so Itough
wouldonlike
youtolately.
apologize
You are
just make a mix CD of Air afor being
good so tough
friend and I on you lately.
should be nicerYou
toare
you
and Sigur Ros, girls always a good
than friend
this. It isand I should
just be nicer
that I have beentohurt
you
like making out to those than this. It is just that I have
in the past, and it makes me defensivebeen hurt
two bands. in the past, and it
around makes
boys whom meI-‐defensive
Is she your owner’s
around boys whom I-‐
girlfriend or something?
Sexy European
wooing noises!
Oh heck no. Marten likes
her, but she’d never admit
to having any attraction
towards him.

Wait a minute,
is that why you put
Sigur Ros on whenever
Why not? I don’t we’re up late and
understand. drinking?

It’s the human

equivalent of a
driver conflict.

SSHKkKRrRTtT!
SSHKkKRrRTtT!

The cappucino machine

What the hell do you isThe
on cappucino machine
fire, the storefront
What
think the helldoing?!
you’re do you is on fire,
window hasthe storefront
melted, and the
I am on to your think you’re doing?! window has melted, and the
manager would like to have
schemes! Ethereal manager would like to have
a word with you.
Ouch! Icelandic moaning will a word with you.
Kernel panic! not loosen my legs,
mister!
They have made
Moving Faye in with Marten turned out to be a really, really good idea.
Having a conversation
They have king!
me their made
me their king!
with Faye is bound to lead
to a system crash one I think you broke
way or another. my arm!

If you haven’t gotten it on to Agaetis Byrjun yet, you should really give it a try. I’m I love Pintsize’s little Jughead crown. He is the king of robot hamburgers!
just saying’.
76 Number 125: The Royal We
FmeZ]j)*-2L`]JgqYdO] Number 126: Indie Physics 101
FmeZ]jw1*.2wAf\a]wHhyka[kw101
It is a good thing The premiums on that
I have been
that place had must be utterly horrific.
doing research!
robotic annihliation
insurance!
Hmm?

Common concerns
such as property damage
and wholesale destruction
are of no concern to
the King!

So, uh, boys who what? So according to hipster theory,

the more obscure a band is, the better
its music will be, right?
Hmm?

Right...
You were saying
something like “it makes
me defensive around
boys whom I...” It follows, then, that a band
which absolutely no one has heard of
would make the best music ever!

Oh, trust. If no one has heard of a band,

I am defensive around Ah, ok. it effectively does not exist.
boys whom I trust. That makes Ergo, the best band in the world
sense... is nonexistent!

It is like the speed of light-‐

no matter how much energy
you expend or how many LPs
you buy, you can never reach
the best band!

Holy shit, you’ve

discovere the Theory
of Hipster Relativity!

Were you thinking I would

say something else? I bet you were Note to self: having a
hoping for “boys whom I would grant What, you mean like discussion about theoretical
access to places normally your laundry basket? indie-‐rock physics with an
covered by underwear!” attractive girl is possibly
the hottest thing ever.

We have been in said

laundry basket! It smelled
a bit funny, but was
properly supportive of the
royal hindquarters.

That is because
music plus science
equals sexy!

I kind of wish I had made Pintsize use the royal “we” for the rest of the comic. This comic, and the t-shirt it inspired, were a huge part of QC initially supporting me.
It was my first “hit” t-shirt design and sells well to this day.
 Number 127: A Couple of Flirts Number 128: Fashion Flash Mobs
FmeZ]j)*02>Yk`agf>dYk`EgZk
FmeZ]j)*02>Yk`agf>dYk`EgZk 77
FmeZ]j)*/29;gmhd]G^>dajlk
So I guess those pleated
So I guess those pleated
Before I forget, Oh, I can’t skirts are the new indie
skirts are the new indie
here is my half of take your money, fashion for this summer,
fashion for this summer,
this month’s rent. Faye. huh.
huh.

It’s so weird! It’s like all of a sudden

It’s so weird! It’s like all of a sudden
What, are you suggesting Why yes, I believe I all the hipster girls are instantly wearing the
all the hipster girls are instantly wearing the
that I compensate for my tenancy am suggesting that. exact same style of clothing. Is there a memo
exact same style of clothing. Is there a memo
in some other manner? that gets sent out or something?
that gets sent out or something?

If there is a memo,
If there is a memo,
I did not recieve it.
I did not recieve it.

It is like birds’ plumage-‐

It is like birds’ plumage-‐
People always make fun of whomever best exemplifies the
People always make fun of whomever best exemplifies the
subcultures for being “different current standard appears to be
subcultures for being “different current standard appears to be
in the same way.” I guess there’s “fittest” and therefore most
in the same way.” I guess there’s “fittest” and therefore most
some truth to it-‐ Christ, there desireable.
some truth to it-‐ Christ, there desireable.
goes another girl in one of those
goes another girl in one of those
skirts! What the hell?
skirts! What the hell?

Doubly disconcerting is the fact that I

Doubly disconcerting is the fact that I I want to scoff at this
Bring me the heads of fifty was looking at a girl’s butt and thinking I want to scoff at this
was looking at a girl’s butt and thinking new trend in hipster fashion
emo teenagers! You will earn “what the hell is up with that skirt” new trend in hipster fashion
“what the hell is up with that skirt” but I bet I would look really
your keep by laying waste to rather than “mmm, sexy girl ass.” but I bet I would look really
rather than “mmm, sexy girl ass.” cute in one of those skirts.
hapless Saves the Day fans! cute in one of those skirts.
What is a conscientious
What is a conscientious
non-‐conformist to do?
non-‐conformist to do?

To the mall, where

I shall burn and pillage!
And also try on shoes!

Oh man, remember emo? Fashion, like band and video game references, somewhat dates earlier QC strips.
It’s why I try not to point out such things anymore. Although I gotta say, I’ll be really
happy when skinny jeans go out of fashion because legs are really hard to draw.
78 Number 129: Another Breed of Dinosaur Number 130: Going for the Bronze
FmeZ]j)*129fgl`]j:j]]\G^<afgkYmj
Okay, I understand why you hide your accent.
I’ve been meaning to ask you-‐ But why do you hardly ever use contractions
how come you always try to hide in your speech?
your Southern accent?

I am not sure, really.

They just sound weird to me
when I use them. They are just
not words for me to say,
I suppose.

Aw come on, No. I feel like I am cheating

People up here do not give it a try. the English language by using them.
take you seriously if you It is okay if other people do, but I
have a drawl. They smirk! will not abridge or amalgamate
I do not enjoy being my own vocabulary.
smirked at.

Fine. I’ll just get you drunk tonight.

Well, what do you think? Wow, that looks You’re quite liberal with your use of
Sexy hipster or skanky really good on you. apostrophes after six or seven shots.
harlot?

What, you are

not going to go the
classy route and
put roofies in my
cocoa? I am so
disappointed!

Actually, it is a credit to your character Yeah, I like setting

That is a shame, that you would ply me with drink not to try
Why not? achievable goals for
for I will not be and get some action, but to hear me say
myself, you know?
purchasing it. funny words and Southern slang.

I do not want every boy

within fifty yards to turn
into a stareannosaurus
when I walk past.

Also it would only take one

strong breeze to let the entire
world know that I am wearing
underpants with monkeys
on them.

My wife is from Nashville, TN. She only has a noticeable accent if she’s talking to her In hindsight, Faye’s avoidance of contraptions seems less “whimsical” (as I had
family, drunk, or talking about Southern cooking. intended it) and more “robotic and annoying.” Ah well, live and learn.
 Number 131: The Fayeinator Number 132: Interrogation
FmeZ]j)+*2Afl]jjg_Ylagf
FmeZ]j)+*2Afl]jjg_Ylagf 79
Dora,why
Dora, whydon’t
don’tyou
youcome
come
OhhihiRaven.
Oh Raven.
It is so hot in here! What’sup?up? totocoven
covenmeetings
meetingsanymore?
anymore?
What’s Youdodged
You dodgedthe
thequestion
question
I changed into a tanktop
lasttime
last timeI Iasked.
asked.
and I am still in danger
of combustion!

Sorry about that.

I should really buy an
air conditioning unit
one of these days.

I Idunno,
dunno,I’m
I’mjust...not
just...notreally
reallyfeeling
feeling
Whoa, where’d you get that ititanymore.
anymore.The Thewhole
wholegoth
goththing
thingwas wasfun
fun
backininhigh
back highschool,
school,but
butlately
latelyititjust
justseems
seems
scar on your chest? That looks Ah...that is a
kind of shallow and pointless
kind of shallow and pointless to me. to me.
like it must have hurt. story for another
time, okay?

It’slike
It’s likeallallyou
youdodoisissit
sitaround
aroundbragging
bragging
abouthow
about howmisanthropic
misanthropicyou youare
areand
andhow
how
manyawful
many awfulindustrial
industrialbands
bandsyou
youknow
knowof.
of.
I’m sick of going to the same old clubs full ofof
I’m sick of going to the same old clubs full
clove-‐smokingMatrix
clove-‐smoking Matrixextras
extraswhowhododonothing
nothing
butbitch
but bitchabout
abouthow howHotHotTopic
Topicused
usedtotobe
besoso
muchcooler
much coolerbefore
beforeallallthe
thepreppy
preppykids
kids
started shopping
started shopping there. there.

I’msorry,
I’m sorry,I Isound
soundbitter.
bitter.
You never want to talk Look,it’s
Look, it’snothing
nothingagainst
againstyouyouoror
about your past. Why all A girl needs to keep a anyone else. I just can’t
anyone else. I just can’t live livethat
that
the mystery? few secrets! It is part of lifestyleanymore.
lifestyle anymore.I Idon’t
don’teveneven
my feminine allure. know who I am at this point,
know who I am at this point, but but
atatleast
leastI Iknow
knowwhowhoI’m
I’mnot.
not.

So,like,
So, like,what
whatamamI Isupposed
supposed
tototell
tellthe
theother
othercoven
covenmembers?
members?
Thatyou’re
That you’retoo
toocool
coolfor
forus
usallallofof
a sudden, or something?
a sudden, or something?

Tellthem
Tell themI Ioverdosed
overdosedononblack
black Whoa,that’s
that’slike
like
I bet Faye is a cyborg! Whoa,
Nah, I bet she got it Actually you are both correct! hairdye
hair dyeand
anddied.
died.I Icame
cameback
backfrom
from totallyawesome.
awesome.Can Can
The scar is where they totally
in a prison knife fight. I was stabbed by a cyborg in the dead to feast on the souls ofof
the dead to feast on the souls thatreally
that reallyhappen?
happen?
removed all of her internal the living.
robo-‐prison! the living.
organs and replaced
them with missiles!

You’remaking
You’re making
mehungry,
me hungry,Raven.
Raven.

SPOILER WARNING: Faye got that scar in Vietnam. Not the war, she just fell down Man, remember goths?
some stairs in Vietnam.
80 Number 133: The Booze Is Life
FmeZ]j)++2L`]:ggr]AkDa^] Number 134: Awesome Dragon Poster
FmeZ]j)+,29o]kge]<jY_gfHgkl]j

Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Aw hells no, you got the

entire OED stored on your ...So I guess I’m Here, drown it in booze.
Let’s play having some kind of Show your crisis who’s the
hard drive. I vote for a
Scrabble! identity crisis. boss! You’re Tony Danza!
rousin’ session of Jenga.

Who would be
knocking on my door Tell ya what, since you
at this hour? ain’t got thumbs, you just I dunno, it’s just depressing
tell me which bricks ta pull to feel so tired of something I
and I’ll pull ‘em for ya. was totally into for years, you
know what I mean? Here, let me show
you something.

I could just vaporize the

bricks with my laser, but
Marten never lets me
do that.

Ooh, your high school

yearbook? Hee!

Ooh, I bet it’s Dora, come to

give you passionate kisses!
The booze has made me
prescient!

Yeah sure. It’s probably

my landlord wondering who’s
been making all the southern-‐
inflected noise up here.

So you are home Dora? Oh uh no

after all! Mind if of course I don’t Marten, that little
I come in? mind, come on in. spaz threw a book at
my head and locked Aww, you were such a cute
himself in your bedroom! little nerdy boy! Did you stop
Yeah, I just kind
playing Dungeons & Dragons?
of outgrew it
in college.

Keep away, Bene

Gesserit Witch! I
know of your
weirding ways! That’s boy-‐code for
“I didn’t want to die
a smelly virgin.”

More Dune references. Dune is pretty much the best thing ever. As of this writing, I have never played D&D but am about to start. My character is a
dragonkin rogue named Tiny Boat. It’s…it’s hard to explain.
 Number 136: Ahem
FmeZ]j)+.29`]e Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Number 137: Over His Head
FmeZ]j)+/2Gn]j@ak@]Y\ 81

Hee hee, you were

I gotta go to the Number
so looking Twenty-six:
at his butt. Dress Code I tld you, I
bathroom. I’ll be
right back, okay? was not!

You were all “Oh, how I long to No! There is not a strong
Stare any harder, Faye, What’re you implyin’? get my hands on those taut enough word to describe
and you’ll burn a hole in I wasn’t lookin’ at his indie-‐rocker buttocks!” how wrong you are!
his back pocket. rear end.

What are you two

Why deny it? arguing about now?
He’s got a cute ass! I told you, I wasn’t peeking at
I was looking too! his ass! I happened to be lookin’
in that direction when he got up Oh, we’re not arguing.
in front of me. We were just ogling your
ass when you got up.

Dora!

Why? Did I sit in something?

Faye, honey, you were Is there a rip somewhere? Crap,
purring and muttering “rowr” these are my favorite pants, too...
under your breath. I was clearing
my throat!

Aww, he’s totally

oblivious! So cute!

I do not know
whether to feel
relieved, or feel
sorry for him.

In hindsight, I really should’ve named this comic “JUST FUCK ALREADY.” I was as oblivious as Marten in college. College was not that great.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

82 Number 138: The Indie Cult

FmeZ]j)+02L`]Af\a];mdl
Number 139: Pants
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code FmeZ]j)+12HYflk

KNock
Thanks for letting me hang Mnfff...coming...
out, kids, but I think it’s time Aww, but we have not
I head home and get some resolved your identity

Knock
much-‐needed rest. crisis yet!

Knock

It’s okay Faye, I think Tut tut! I will have none of that!
it’ll probably just work Hi Faye. You’re certainly
You and I are going to have a girls’
itself out over time. bright-‐eyed and bushy-‐tailed
day out tomorrow. We will get you
this morning.
sorted out!

The early bird gets

the worm! Or in our case,
the Sufjan Stevens CD.

Lemme go get
some pants on.

First we will go to the Salvation

Army to get you some less-‐spooky Wow Dora, are those pants,
clothing. Then it is off to the record shop or sails with a lot of pockets and
to acquaint you with your new friends zippers on them? You could fit your
Mister Indie Pop and Madam Post-‐Rock. entire torso in one of those
pant-‐legs!

Ha ha. Tell me, how many

lemons did you have to kill and
skin to make that dress? A hundred?
This sound less like a No, with those hips it must have been
girls’ day out and more like at least two hundred.
an indoctrination into indie
culture.

It is! We are like the Borg from Wait, better fashion sense?
Star Trek, only with better That was a good one! You should
Have you seen Karen O or the write it down and put it in your pocket.
fashion sense! You will be guys from Interpol lately?
assimilated! Oh wait, which one? There are so many,
how will you ever decide?

The Borg
were hot.
Ah, I see. The dress is warning
coloration. It says “keep away, or
I will sass you into unconsciousness
and then crush you with my bright
yellow butt!”

I’ve never been much of a Yeah Yeah Yeahs fan, but damn if that first Interpol record Oh, that dress. I’m honestly not sure what I was thinking. Apparently I was thinking
doesn’t still send chills down my spine when I listen to it. “YES YES BRIGHT YELLOW THAT IS THE PERFECT COLOR FOR CLOTHING”
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 140: Bob Barker Would Approve Number41: A Spoonful Weighs a Ton 83
FmeZ]j),(2:gZ:Yjc]jOgmd\9hhjgn] Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
FmeZ]j),)29Khggf^mdO]a_`k9Lgf
So, now that we’re out of Marten’s
Ooh, an Opeth CD I No no no. Come over here, you
prescence, admit it-‐ you really were
don’t already own! can have your growling Nordic
looking at his ass last night.
men some other day.

Oh fine, if it will get you

off my case. Yes, I did take
a quick peek at Marten’s
bottom. Happy now?

Hah! I knew it! No! It was just the booze making me

You are attracted a little tingly and setting my eyes Listen to this. It is the
to the boy! a-‐wander. That is all there was to it! Flaming Lips’ Soft Bulletin record.
It will please your ears and brain.

Ew, I don’t like it

so far. Since when did
distorted drums and self-‐help
seminar lyrics constitute
musical genius?

Bull shit, Faye. You want him. I bet

I would rather you not speculate This is so childish!
you think of him when you diddle
on what I may or may not do in the He’s singing about Superman
yourself in the shower. privacy of my daily cleansing ritual. and spider bites and...uh...

Oh, I’ve done quite a bit Okay, that does it. Why do I suddenly want to That feeling is what we non-‐goths call
of speculating. You might say We are going to a veterinary dance around giggling like an idiot “happiness.” This record is its most condensed
it’s become part of my daily clinic to have you spayed. while a smiling man in a white suit form. It is like a crack-‐rock of pure joy!
cleansing ritual! throws confetti at me?

This is one of those strips where I feel a little weird, as if I have peeked too far into The Soft Bulletin was already several years old by the time I did this strip, but it’s
the private lives of the fictional characters I created. still probably the second best album of the 1990s (the first being OK Computer by
Guess it’s probably a good thing that I have that kind of sense of propriety. Radiohead, of course).
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

84 Number 142: Thongs Are the Cheap Property

FmeZ]j),*2L`gf_k9j]L`];`]YhHjgh]jlq Number 143: It Burns
FmeZ]j),+2Al:mjfk
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code FmeZ]j),+2Al:mjfk
Hmmm.... Why the sighing? Are you Marten, we are back!
composing morose poetry IMarten,
bought a
we Russian hat,
are back!
in your head? Icome seeahow
bought awesome
Russian hat,
I look!
come see how awesome
I look!

No, it was a happy sigh.

INumber 114: Faye-2
got a Flaming Apartments-0
Lips album Whoa, looks like you got a little
I’m having a good time today!
and
I gotsome cute underwear.
a Flaming Lips album too looks
much like
sun you
today,
I’m starting to feel a little more Whoa, got Dora.
a little
and some Wanna
cute see?
underwear.
like myself again, which is nice. too much sun today, Dora.
Wanna see?
NumberTwenty-six:
Number 113: Scrabble
DressKidnapping
Code Plot

Da, comrade!
Do you think I make
a convincing Russion
sexpot?

Nothing’s more indie than a Ooh yes, you are pink as a

silly hat, right? I bet Marten will hallucinatory pachyderm! Ow! Yes! Stop it!
Ooh yes, you are pink as a
love it. I wonder what he’s up to Does thispachyderm!
hallucinatory hurt? Ow! Yes! Stop it!
today, anyway. Does this hurt?

He is probably catching
up on some moping. That is
his favorite hobby!

Uh, Pintsize, why do you have

Faye’s underwear spread out in Dammit, I’m half Italian! I’ll go close the blinds
a rectangle on the floor? We’re supposed
Dammit, to tan,
I’m half Italian! and getclose
I’ll go you some lotion.
the blinds
not burn!to tan,
We’re supposed and get you some lotion.
not burn!
I was thinking we could play
some Underwear Monopoly while
Faye was out with Dora today.

The boyshorts with Dora, you probably

monkeys on them are got more
Dora, you sun today
probably
Boardwalk. thanmore
you have in the
got sun today
last six
than youmonths. This
have in the
Please tell me the is what
last sixhappens
months. when
This
pile of bras isn’t the is you sun
what our mother
happens when
Community Chest. you sunstar!
our mother
star!

I miss the days of good army surplus stores in western MA. I feel Dora’s pain. I spent 10 days in Hawaii in my teens and got nothing but a
sunburn and some bad surfer t-shirts.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 144: And Here’s to You Number 145: Irresistable 85

FmeZ]j),,29f\@]j]kLgQgm
FmeZ]j),,29f\@]j]kLgQgm FmeZ]j),-2Ajj]kaklYZd]
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Oh, he’s just an old
Here’s the lotion, Dora. So what model AnthroPC 8600. I had to replace the
Here’s the lotion,
Hopefully Dora.
this’ll help. is Pintsize, anyway? I don’t stock chassis because of
Hopefully this’ll help. recognize the chassis. a mishap involving some
cake mix.

Come back here

with my hat!

In Soviet Russia,
cake mixes you!

Do you think you could rub

Do you
it onto mythink
backyou
andcould rub
shoulders?
it onto my back
It hurts and shoulders?
to bend my arms
It hurtsthat
to bend
way.my arms
that way.

Number 115:Number
Clank Twenty-six:
Well uhDress Code
er I uh...
Well uh er I uh... So he’s still got Yeah, I never got
the stock hard drive around to upgrading My hat.
and RAM? his hardware.

Oh come on, there’s Hey!

Oh cometoon,
nothing bethere’s
nervous
nothing
about.to be nervous
I won’t bite,
about. I won’t bite,
I promise.
I promise.

Mmm, that Uh okay that’s good

So you know a lot about Dora is a
Mmm, that I Uh
meanokay that’s good
I wouldn’t want
feels good. computers, huh. That’s computer
Ito
mean
makeI wouldn’t want
it hurt worse
feels good. pretty cool! ninja!
to or,
makeum,itanything...
hurt worse
or, um, anything...

I’m a different
kind of ninja!
No no, I only know enough
to put one together. I’m
nothing special.

Faye, stop humming

Faye,
“Mrs. stop humming
Robinson.” I’m But yeah, gimme a couple
“Mrs.
onlyRobinson.” I’m
twenty-‐six! hours with a screwdriver and Great, she has
only twenty-‐six! Whoa whoa whoa. her hooks in both
I could turn Pintsize into
Whoa whoa whoa. of them now.
But Dora, Jesus loves you one sweet little machine.
But Dora,
more thanJesus loves
you will you
know?
more than you will know?

I am intensely
aroused.

I can’t believe I didn’t make an “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR IT GETS THE I kind of want the start-up sound for all of my computers to be a robot voice saying
HOSE AGAIN” joke here. “I am intensely aroused.”
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

86 Number 146: She Couldn’t Resist Number 147: The Feds

FmeZ]j),/2L`]>]\k
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
FmeZ]j),.2K`];gmd\flJ]kakl
FmeZ]j),.2K`];gmd\flJ]kakl FmeZ]j),/2L`]>]\k

Hey,
Hey, what
what time
time It is okay, Marten.
Quarter
Quarter after
after What’s the matter,
is
is it?
it? I justIthave a thing
is okay, about
Marten.
five,
five, why?
why? Faye? Arethe
youmatter,
okay?
What’s I being touched
just have when
a thing about
Faye? Are you okay? I’m not exp-‐
being touched when
I’m not exp-‐

knock
knock
knock
knock
knock
Aw
Aw crap,
get
crap, II gotta
get to
to work.
gotta
work. I’m
I’m
knock
closing
closing tonight.
tonight.

Boo,
Boo, that
that is
is
aa sucky
sucky thing!
thing!

Uh, yes?
Uh, yes?
Well
Well anyway...
anyway... SMOOCH!
SMOOCH!
Faye,
Faye, thank
thank you
you for
for the
the
wonderful
wonderful day
day out.
out.

Marten Reed? I’m Special Agent

Turing
MartenofReed?
the Robotics Defense
I’m Special Agent
Agency. I’mthe
Turing of here to confiscate
Robotics Defense
Agency.your
I’m AnthroPC.
here to confiscate
your AnthroPC.

What? Why?!
What? Why?!
SMOOCH!
SMOOCH! And
And thank
thank you,
you, Marten,
Marten,
for
for the
the lotion
lotion rub.
rub. You’re
You’re
aa sweetie.
sweetie.

He is equipped with a
prototype M-‐31 battlefield
He is equipped with a
robot chassis.M-‐31
prototype Highlybattlefield
classified,
and highly illegal for aclassified,
robot chassis. Highly civilian
such
and as yourself
highly toaown.
illegal for civilian
such as yourself to own.

Dude, I bought the chassis at a

Wha...why
Wha...why Why
Why did
did she
she kiss
kiss fuckin’
did
did she
she Dude,Best Buy.the
I bought I dind’t steal
chassis atita
me
me and
and grab
grab my
my out of some bunker in Nevada!
kiss
kiss me?
me? fuckin’ Best Buy. I dind’t steal it
bottom?!
bottom?!
out of some bunker in Nevada!

Nobody
Nobody
ever
ever grabs
grabs
my
my bottom.
bottom.

The chassis was “deposited” in a

BestTheBuy truckwas
chassis when our prototype
“deposited” in a
T-‐32
Besttransport
Buy truckrobot
whenattempted
our prototypetio
mate
T-‐32with said truck,
transport robotwhich we then
attempted tio
lost track of in the ensuing chaos.
mate with said truck, which we then
The
lostsight
trackofofa in
robotic 18-‐wheeler
the ensuing chaos.
humping another
The sight 18-‐wheeler
of a robotic is one
18-‐wheeler
I hopeanother
humping never to18-‐wheeler
see again.is one
I hope never to see again.

You can see that I’m gradually drawing Faye curvier and curvier as my art style This comic was originally posted in black and white only online, you are seeing it in
evolves. I’d always meant for her to be a voluptuous lady, but her body structure was color for the first time anywhere!
definitely something I had to figure out as I went along.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 148: Never Saw It Coming

FmeZ]j),02F]n]jKYoAl;geaf_ Number 147: It’s a Ratchet Screwdriver
FmeZ]j),12Alk9JYl[`]lK[j]o\jan]j
87
FmeZ]j),02F]n]jKYoAl;geaf_
Please don’t make this You can’t just take him, I got Number Twenty-six:
here as fast Dress Code
as I could.
morePlease don’t
difficult, make
Mr. Number
this
Reed, the Twenty-six: he’s
Dress myCode
You can’t
friend!just take
Can’t wehim,
come Sara’s covering the shop for me, Thanks a lot,
more difficult,
AnthroPC Mr. with
is coming Reed,me.
the he’s
to somemy sort
friend!
of Can’t we come
compromise? so it’s cool. Dora. We really
AnthroPC is coming with me. to some sort of compromise? need your help.
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Basically I figure if
we can wipe the device drivers
and take out the laser itself,
this RDA dude will let me keep
the rest of Pintsize in one
piece. Can you do that?

Mr. Reed, this is a

Mr. Reed,
matter this is a
of national
matterThe
security. of national
RDA does
security.
not The RDAOne
compromise. does
not compromise.
zap from my EMP gun One Sure, piece
I don’t want
zapthe
and from my EMPwill
AnthroPC gun of cake.
to Iget
don’t want
erased!
beand the AnthroPC
secure. will
We’ll return
to get erased!
be
thesecure. We’llinreturn
hardware two
thetohardware
four weeks.in two
to four weeks.

Don’t worry little fella, Okay I should Okay that is

Don’t
you worry
won’t feellittle fella,
a thiNNGH! be all set. just revolting.
you won’t feel a thiNNGH!
Yeah baby, I want you
to mod me. Mod me all
night long!

Well when he wakes up

Oh man, am I a sexy bad-‐ass Well
you can when he
explain to wakes
him thatupyour Settle down, short stuff, or Hee hee! You will be all
Oh
or man,
what?am I a sexy
Hella ninja bad-‐ass
style! you
sexycan explain to
badassery ishim
thethat your
reason you’ll wake up with half your “hurr I cannot even open
or what? Hella ninja style! sexy
he hasbadassery is the reason
a severe concussion. RAM missing. Notepad, hurrr”
he has a severe concussion.

He doesn’t have to
He doesn’t
wake up, youhave
know. to
wake
I haveup, you, know.
a laser and
we I have
haveaalaser , and
garbage
we have a garbage
disposal.
disposal.

You are a formidable

opponent. Please be
gentle with me.

I never ended up doing many anthroPC-centric “stories” after this one, I feel like they Wow, a computer hardware joke that ISN’T incredibly dated yet! Unless you’re read-
just work better in small doses. ing this book after the Singularity. In which case, HELLO MACHINE OVERLORD
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

88 Number 150: Intergalactic Peacock

FmeZ]j)-(2Afl]j_YdY[la[H]Y[g[c Number 151: Smokin’ Ain’t Allowed in School
FmeZ]j)-)2Kegcaf9afl9ddgo]\AfK[`ggd&
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Oh, you’re awake? Okay g-‐man, here’s your
Ugh...what stupid laser back.
Th...thank goodness!
happened?

Wait a minute,
who the heck are you?
When did you show up?

It was a Space Owl! My name’s Dora Bianchi. I’m a

What hit me? friend of Marten’s. I came over
He flew in the window and
The back of my head to take out that laser module
struck you in the back of
is throbbing. while you were passed out.
the head in an attempt
to steal your necktie!

D-‐D-‐D-‐Dora Bianchi?!

Ok hey, I remember your face now!

You’re Alan Turing, right? You went to
St. Agnes’ High School on Sunderland
A...Space Owl? street, didn’t you?

Uh, er okay now that I’ve

got the, uh, government
property I came here to
retrieve, I think I’ll just
let myself out...
Yes! It is a good thing I was here to
fend him off, or he might have made off
with your entire suit! Fine menswear is
irresistable to Space Owls.

Simple! He was so awed by my radiant Whoa, he sure left in a hurry.

And how exactly beauty that he vowed never to steal again, Why was he so afraid of you? Ooh, Dora was a bad girl
did you fend and flew away to begin his new life as an in high school! Smokin’ in the girls’
him off? owl beautician. I went to high school with him! room, wearin’ her skirt more than
I used to beat him up and take two inches above her knees,
his cigarettes all the time! flippin’ the bird at nuns...

Actually, I’m pretty sure he was

just terrified by Faye’s dress. He mistook
her for a giant Space Canary!

I originally had some ridiculously long, convoluted story plotted out for “space owl,” I Agent Turing’s name is, of course, a reference to Alan Turing, famous mathematician
am glad I decided against it. and computer scientist.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 152: Huugs!

FmeZ]j)-*2@mm_k Number 153: Rainbow Sprinkle Six
FmeZ]j)-+2JYafZgoKhjafcd]Kap 89
FmeZ]j)-+2JYafZgoKhjafcd]Kap
FmeZ]j)-+2JYafZgoKhjafcd]Kap
FmeZ]j)-*2@mm_k Number
I really can’t Okay guys, I’d better Twenty-six:
get back Dress Code
Have a good night,
Oh, it was no big deal. Okay guys, I’d better get back
Okay guys, I’d better get back Have agood
Have goodnight,
night, See you tomorrow,
I really
youcan’t Oh, it A girl does not mind to the coffee shop before Sara Dora.a Thanks again Seeyou
youtomorrow,
tomorrow,
thank enough. Buy mewas no big
dinner deal.
sometime toto thecoffee
the coffeeshop
shopbefore
beforeSara
Sara Dora.Thanks
Dora. Thanksagain
again Seespooky-‐pants!
thank you enough. Buy mewe’ll
dinner A girl her
using does not skills
ninja mind if completely loses her mind. See for your help. spooky-‐pants!
You saved Pintsize! and callsometime
it even. completelyloses
completely losesher
hermind.
mind.See
See for your help.
for your help. spooky-‐pants!
You saved Pintsize! and we’ll call it even. using
it is her ninjaa skills
to help friend!if you around.
youaround.
you around.
it is to help a friend!

So, uh, what do you

So,uh,
So, uh, whatdodoyou
you
wantwhat
to do now? Hmm. Ooh, I know! Ice cream!
wanttotododonow?
want now? Hmm.Ooh,
Ooh,I Iknow!
know! Icecream!
cream!
Hmm.
Where can we go Ice
to get some
Wherecan
Where can wegogototoget
getsome
some
tasty we
frozen treats?
tastyfrozen
tasty frozentreats?
treats?

Thank you for de-‐lasering

Thank you for
me, Dora. I didde-‐lasering
not want to
me, Dora. I did not want to
be reformatted!
be reformatted!

Being hugged by Well there’s this place called

Wellthere’s
Well there’sthis
this placecalled
called Perfect! Let me go get
anBeing hugged
AnthroPCis by
possibly Herrell’s a coupleplace
blocks away, Perfect!LetLetme
megogoget
get
Herrell’saacouple
Herrell’s couple blocksaway,
away, Perfect!
changed and we can go over.
an AnthroPCis
the possibly
cutest thing ever! I think they’reblocks
open late... changedand andwe
wecan
cangogoover.
over.
the cutest thing ever! I Ithink
thinkthey’re
they’reopen
openlate...
late... changed
You will be paying,
Youwill
willbe
bepaying,
of course.
paying,ofofcourse.
course.
You

And thank you, Faye,

Andstunning
for thank you,
thatFaye,
Turing
for stunning
guy thatfor
long enough Turing
Dora
guy longtoenough
fix me up. Dora
for
to fix me up.

Wow, your boobs are Oh my God you are I am an ice cream mercenary,
Heheh, well you helped save Pintsize
Wow, your boobs are Oh mytoGod
about you are
be destroyed Heheh,well
Heheh, well youhelped
helpedsave
savePintsize
Pintsize I Iam
totally
aman
anice
taking
icecream
cream mercenary,
dudes mercenary,
out in exchange
great! They’re like a about
SOto be destroyed
HARD you have tonightyou
so I owe you anyway. totallytaking
takingdudes
dudesoutoutininexchange
exchange
great!
pair They’resmooshy
of warm, like a tonightsosoI Iowe
tonight oweyou
youanyway.
anyway. totally
for vanilla bean goodness. I would
SO HARD you have
no idea. forvanilla
for vanillabean
beangoodness.
goodness.I Iwould
would
pair of warm, smooshy
pillows! level a city block in exchange for a
no idea. level a city
level a city block in exchange for a
pillows! pintblock in exchange
of fudge ripple! for a
pintofoffudge
pint fudgeripple!
ripple!

Alas, my chest is
Alas,
but a my
pairchest is
of doilies
but a pair of
compared todoilies
yours,
compared to yours,
Faye.
Faye.

I don’t often draw Pintsize with his eyes closed, for some reason. Herrell’s is a real place in Northampton and makes some seriously tasty ice cream.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

90 Number 154: Ice Cream Flashbacks Number161: His Uncle Was a Lion Tamer
FmeZ]j)-,2A[];j]Ye>dYk`ZY[ck FmeZ]j).)2@akMf[d]OYk9Dagf%LYe]j
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
...So I come downstairs to get a drink of water
I will have a scoop of And I’ll have a Kentucky at like 3am when I hear these odd moaning noises
vanilla fudge ripple on a bourbon vanilla milkshake. coming from within the kitchen. I go in and turn on the Augh! Holy shit!
waffle cone, please. light to find my mother bent over the dinner table Hahahaha!
and my dad totally boning her from behind!

That is when I screamed, which startled my dad

So yeah, I don’t know if they actually so much that he slipped and fell, dragging my mother
put bourbon in this or what but it sure... down with him and hitting both of their heads on the Hee hee, that is awful
tastes...uh, Faye? Why are you crying? hardwood floor. They were both knocked unconscious, but totally hilarious at
so I covered them up with some towels, called 911, the same time.
and spent the rest of the night hiding in my room.

That is just one of

the many funny stories You’ll have to tell me
Oh, I will...I’ll be okay. It is...it’s just that involving my father. the rest sometime.
when I was little my dad used to take me out for
ice cream every Saturday. I’d always get vanilla
fudge ripple and he’d always get a vanilla milkshake.
He’d pour in some bourbon when he thought I wasn’t
looking.

He...he died a few years ago.

I’m usually okay with it but you getting Bribe me with more
that milkshake just brought back some ice cream and maybe
memories, that is all. I will!

Well, my mom is a professional dominatrix

Oh Christ. Faye, I’m really really What about you, Marten? and my dad runs a gay nightclub, so I can’t really
sorry. I totally didn’t mean to bring Do you have any funny tales tell the difference between a “funny tale” and
back any unhappy-‐ about your parents? “my entire adolescence” anymore.

Oh stop it Marten, you could not

have known. My sense of humor is
telling me to yell “SIKE! Just kidding!”
to mess with your head, but my poor
dad would start spinning in his
grave so fast it would reverse
the rotation of the earth.

We begin to see a little more of Faye’s mysterious past! Wait, is Marten serious?! You’ll have to wait and see!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 162: Finishing Move

FmeZ]j).*2>afak`af_Egn] Number163: Snip Snip 91
FmeZ]j).+2KfahKfah
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Wait, that Senator? The one Yup. Apparently he gets off on being
who is always yelling about how beaten with a ruler and having hot wax
we need more Jesus in the poured over certain sensitive areas. Do you like my new
Constitution?
haircut, Marten?

He pays my mom double her

usual rate to keep his little sexual
quirks out of the tabloids. Hell, his Whoa, you
fetish paid for 1/2 my college tuition did that yourself?!
last year. It looks great!

It must have been very Eh, not really. I mean, I didn’t know
strange growing up in your anything else. The other kids picked on me
household. a lot in school, of course, but whatever.
You’ll have to give me a
haircut sometime. I’m starting I could do wonders for you!
to get pretty shaggy. A snip here, a snick there...

Hah. If I had known you back

Aww! I would have
in high school, I probably would have
been your friend!
been way scared of you.

Look at me, I’m robot

Abraham Lincoln!

Faye, you’re a cute, intelligent girl who can punch

Does that mean you are harder than any of the jocks who used to beat me up.
not afraid of me now? You’re fuckin’ terrifying.
Okay, so he glued your hair
Am I hearing things,
clippings on to make the beard,
or is he in the kitchen
I get that part. But where the
emancipating the
hell did he get that top hat?
appliances?

Oooh, Sexy Intimidation Combo!

Fifteen hundred damage!

Marten IS serious. Dang. More haircut experiments for Faye. Pintsize presumably has a prop closet some-
where in the apartment.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

92 Number 164: We Need To Talk

FmeZ]j).,2O]F]]\LgLYdc Number 165:z Hi Mom!
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code FmeZ]j).-2@aEge
Good morning, Marten.
Were you ever able to get that
beard off of Pintsize? Jesus, Amanda. I knew you were dense, Hey, I ain’t
but I did not think you were that dense! dense!

Yeah, only after

two hours of scrubbing.

Aww, poor baby.

I am off to the coffee shop

I am
for off to day
another the as
coffee shop
a working Oh really? Because switching to a
for
girl.another day
Do try not toas
letaPintsize
working Oh, uh...I didn’t exactly
ridiculous major, failing all of your classes, and
girl.destroy
Do try not to let Pintsize
the apartment then coming out to mom at the worst possible “come out.” It was more like
destroy
whilethe
I amapartment
out. time sounds pretty dense to me. she “found out.”
while I am out.

Ha ha.
Have a nice
day.

Howdy Faye! Sis?! What on earth

Ya miss me? are you doing here? Well I had my girlfriend down there with me,
Oh please do not tell me what y’know, for moral support, only mom didn’t know
I think you are about to tell me. we were together, ‘cuz I hadn’t told her yet. Then
one mornin’ she walks into my bedroom and
finds the two of us bein’...y’know...intimate.

Mom kicked me out of

the house, so I thought I
might as well come visit.

Wait, what?!
Why did mom kick
you out?

Well ,let’s just say mom didn’t take too kindly See, when your mom asked
to the
Well,news
let’sthat
just I’m
sayswitchin’ majors
mom didn’t take from pre-med
too kindly “so,
See,how
whenwas your
your semester”
mom asked
to themodern
to news that dance,
I’mor that I failed
switchin’ allfrom
majors my classes
pre-‐med you was
“so, how should have
your just
semester”
That was the day I learned that there’s no way
to modernlast semester, or that
dance, or that I’m aall
I failed lesbian.
my classes said you can remove your head from another girl’s
you should haveokay.”
“eh, it was just
last semester, or that I’m a lesbian. crotch in a nonchalant manner.
said “eh, it was okay.”

At that point you might as well

just say “do you mind? I’m kinda
busy,” and then go back to what
you were doing, because you
know it can’t get any worse.

Do you see the look

on my face right now?
This look means that
you have just
broken my mind.

Everybody in QC has a pretty unusual family. Mine is almost disturbingly normal, in Marten is reading “Understanding Comics” by Scott McCloud. Scott is a
real life. I’m not sure what that says about me. fan of QC, something which blew my mind when I found out.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 166: Don’t Leave Home Without It Number 167: Fuck You Bladder!
FmeZ]j)./2>m[cQgm$:dY\\]j
93
FmeZ]j)..2<gflD]Yn]@ge]Oal`gmlAl
Number Twenty-six: Dress CodeI dunno, I guess I always knew it in
...So when exactly did you figure
Damn it, now I am going to be late for work. the back of my mind. Then one night I got
out that you were only interested
Amanda, you are coming with me. Clearly we really wasted at this party and hooked
in ladies?
have a lot to discuss. up with some chick, and it just felt
right, y’know?

Okay, is there a parkin’

garage nearby where I can
stash my rental car?

Well hello there Tardy McLatepants,

Rental car? who’s this fetching young clitoriste
friend of yours?

I am sorry for being late, Dora. My little

Well I had to get sister Amanda here showed up unannounced
here from the airport at the doorstep this morning. Apparently our
somehow. mom kicked her out of the house because of
Amanda’s predilection for the finer sex,
among other things, so it looks like I will
be babysitting her for a while.

Wait a minute, how exactly did you Aww, that’s rough. Are you okay?
pay for plane tickets and a rental car? Nah, I haven’t called her yet.
Have you had a chance to talk to I figure I oughta give her a couple
You have never worked a day in your life, your mom since it happened?
there is no way you could have days to cool off, y’know? Other’n
that much money! that though I’m okay.

Duh, I swiped mom’s

credit card. She’s all pissed
at me anyway, how much
worse could I possibly
make it?

Marten, do you think you could Dora, I trust I need not mention Ok yeah, because there’s nothing I’d enjoy
swing by the coffee shop later on that flirting with my sister will cause you more than committing statutory rape with
today? I am going to need help to be rendered into a fine paste by the my best friend’s little sister. That would
carrying my sister’s corpse sheer force of my elder-sibling rage. be totally awesome.
out to the dumpster.

Did you know that your

left ear twitches when you’re
contemplating tremendous
violence? It’s kinda cute.

Ohmygawd, is
she bein’ serious!?

Faye’s left ear twitches basically all of the time. People often ask if Amanda is ever going to reappear in the strip. I have no idea!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

94 Number 168: La La La
FmeZ]jw1.02wDYwDYwDY Number 169: Squirt
FmeZ]j).12Kimajl
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Are you two done talking
I guess so. about your bottoms? Can I stop
So Faye’s sister is gonna be
It’s not like she really humming “Blueberry Boat” now? Hee hee!
staying with you for a couple days?
has anywhere else Squirt!
to go up here.
Yeah, we moved on
to the topic of female
ejaculation.

Oh come on Faye,
I swear dude, you’re the only guy who Oh come on! One of them’s a lesbian and the Foul creatures, you know we’re just
could have two hot chicks staying in his other one punches me whenever my eyes stray the both of you. joking around.
apartment and not get any action. south of her jawline. I’d have better luck in a
nunnery than in my own apartment.
Yeah, you need to loosen
up, sis. You need a good hard
fuckin’ or somethin’.

Faye brought Amanda to work Hey Faye,

Where did they go today, what’s up?
with her this morning. I should really Oh thank goodness
anyway? I wanna meet the
stop by there later on to make sure you are here, I-
little sister.
they haven’t killed each other.

She wants you to

take her in the back room
and screw her silly!

Apparently I’ve stopped in Marten, right now you have two options.
So the first time my girlfriend Either you get me the hell away from these
brought out the butt-‐plug, I was all Yeah, anal stimulation at an opportune moment.
two sex maniacs right now, or you assist
“eww, you wanna stick that where?” can be really fun if you me in their violent, bloody murders.
But eventually I gave in and tried do it right.
it out and it felt awesome!

Option three:
bang her on top of a
sack of coffee beans!

No way, I’ve tried

LA LA LA I AM NOT HEARING MY that and it’s really
LITTLE SISTER AND MY BOSS TALK uncomfortable.
ABOUT STICKING THINGS UP THEIR
BOTTOMS LA LEE LOO LA LA

What I wonder is how they managed to alight upon this particular conversational topic Plus, coffee bean sacks are made of burlap, which leads to chafing.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 170: Sexy Aeroplane Number 171: Oh No, Not Her!

FmeZ]j)/)2G`Fg$Fgl@=J 95
FmeZ]j)/(2K]pq9]jghdYf] Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
So what is your girlfriend
like? Is she a nice person or
So where is this girlfriend of yours,
anyway? Did she spontaneously combust She went back to her folks’ place. evil and cruel like Dora?
after being caught in coitus? Things were kinda...awkward...after
mom caught us and kicked me out.
Oh, she’s great. Hee! Tell us more!
Is she hot?

I am sorry Mandy, I do Yeah, I’m all right. But do You had better not be
not mean to give you such ya think mom’ll ever forgive gathering fantasy-fodder
a hard time about this. me for bein’ the way I am? about my little sister.
Are you okay?
What? I’m just
curious!

She is hot!
She’s got short brown
hair, green eyes, a
hot ass..

I think she will come around eventually.

You are still her daughter, after all, even if
none of the smartness genes got passed I’ma call her now and Hmm, I wonder if I should
down to you. see how she’s doin’. let my natural hair color
grow back in.

Hee hee, yeah. I think you

got all of those. Always gettin’
straight As in school an’ all. Your hair reflects your I have a
soul. They are both pitch sexy soul!
black and spiky.

Looks like you got mom’s squishiness

genes as well. You been hittin’ the ice
cream extra hard lately or what? I’m gonna go with
“aerodynamically
WELL YOU HAVE
curvaceous.” ...So then her mom walks in TO ADMIT, GIVING
Shut up, Amanda! Marten,
do you think I am overly squishy? and totally freaks out.
It was not cool at all. SOMEONE’S KITTY
Yeah, jumbo jets are
A TONGUE-‐BATH IS
very aerodynamic. KIND OF WEIRD.

I wasn’t licking
her cat, stupid. I was-
goddamnit who the hell
is calling me?

BLEE
BLEE
BLEE

I still wasn’t drawing Faye as curvy as I see her in my head. I used to get a lot of Amanda’s girlfriend is apparently Lil’ Sis from Diesel Sweeties!
comments wondering why the other characters called her “fat” when she really
wasn’t. She’s still not FAT, but definitely voluptuous.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

96 Number 172: Don’t Say It Number 173: Face The Music

FmeZ]j)/+2>Y[]L`]Emka[
FmeZ]j)/*2<gflKYqAl
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Amanda, I have mom
So how’re you doin’, baby?
on the phone. She wants
What? But...but we..no, I...
to talk to you.
why can’t...

Snff...mom?
But she hates
me now!

Well FINE! If you don’t wanna see me anymore She does not hate you, dummy.
then I don’t wanna see you either! And I want She just wants you to come back home
my goddamn Weezer poster back! so you can talk things over.

Okay...

Oh Mandy, I am so sorry. Shut up, you don’t understand

There will be other girls, though! what it’s like! You haven’t even Hi, mom?
You will get over her! had a friggin’ boyfriend ever It’s Mandy.
since- Uh, I-‐

Pintsize bought a
I did say she does not bear online once. We got
Finish that sentence and I will give Uh, what’s going on? hate you. She is more furious angry phone calls from
Ow! I thought you said she
you far more painful injuries than the Clearly I missed something while than a mother bear whose cub the US Fish and Wildlife
didn’t hate me! My goddamn
one just inflicted upon your heart. I was in the bathroom. was just sold on eBay, but she service for weeks
ear’s bleedin’ now!
does not hate you. after that.

Gaaack!

The USS Amanda’s love life

ran aground on Breakup Reef,
and now she’s about to be
smashed apart by Tropical Yarr, those be
Storm Faye. treacherous
waters.

Faye is touchy about her past. But you won’t find out why until the second volume! How do you even buy a bear?
Hahaha!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 174: Better Than a Body Bag

FmeZ]j)/,2:]ll]jL`Yf9:g\q:Y_ Number 175: She’s Kinda Top Heavy
FmeZ]j)/-2K`]kCaf\YLgh@]Ynq
97
FmeZ]j)/,2:]ll]jL`Yf9:g\q:Y_ FmeZ]j)/-2K`]kCaf\YLgh@]Ynq
FmeZ]j)/-2K`]kCaf\YLgh@]Ynq
Heh. Do Sapphic Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Do you remember
Yeah, I’ll be fine. Listen, thanks
See? I told you she Yeah,Yeah,
I’ll be
for fine.
puttin’
I’ll be up Listen,
with
fine. thanks
all
Listen, this, Faye.
thanks
sisters
Heh. Dosing sexy
Sapphic Do you remember
how toremember
get back to
Yeah mom, I’m sorry too. did See?
not completely
I told you disown
she Do you for puttin’
It
forreallyup means
puttin’ with allathis,
up with lot
alltoFaye.
me Faye.
this, to know
sea-‐shanties down
sisters sing sexy how to get
Love
Yeah you,
mom, I’mbye bye.too.
sorry you,not
did silly Sapphic sister.
completely disown how toback
theget to to
airport?
back It really means
you were
It really a lot
meansthere to me totome
a lot for know
me when
to know
by the sea shore?
sea-‐shanties down the airport?
Love you, bye bye. you, silly Sapphic sister. the airport? you were there
you were for me
Ithere
needed forwhen
it.
me when
by the sea shore? I needed it. it.
I needed

Of course!
Of Icourse!
am
Of your sister,
course!
I am Iyour
am sister,
I will always
your be
sister,
I willIalways
here
will behelp.
to
always be
here here
to help.
to help.

Are you making fun of What if I am? Are you gonna Marten, you take good Oh uh I think she’ll
Oh uhOh
I think she’ll
myAre
alliterative
you makingprowess?
fun of bruise
What ifme with Are
I am? bone-‐breaking
you gonna Marten,
care you take
of my
Marten, good
bigtake
you y’hear? prettypretty
sis, good uh Imuch
muchof
think
take
take
she’llcare
carecare
Are you being that much carecare
of myofbig sis, y’hear? pretty herself...
much take
my alliterative prowess? bruiseblows to my
me with bicep?
bone-‐breaking my big sis, y’hear? of herself...
Areofyou
a smarty-‐pants?
being that much blows to my bicep? of herself...
of a smarty-‐pants?

She wants me to
change my ticket
She wants and
me to
flychange
home tonight, though.
my ticket and Riiight, sure she
Ifly
just gottonight,
home here, I though.
haven’t Riiight,
will. sure
Riiight, she it
Anyway,
sure was
she
Ihad
justtime
got to do anything
here, I haven’t will. Anyway,
will.nice it was
meetin’
Anyway, ya.
it was
had timefun
to yet!
do anything nice meetin’ ya. ya.
nice meetin’
fun yet!

Mandy, I think in this instance

omo m
you should doI what
think mom says. You are in

o
Mandy, in this instance

o m
Well that was an

voro o
Conflict Avoidance
you should do whatMode
mom now,
says.remember?
You are in Well that was wasan little

vrvr
interesting
Well that an
Conflict Avoidance Mode now, remember? interesting littlelittle
visit.
interesting
But it’s no fair! You ignored visit.visit.
her
Butbawlin’
it’s nowhen
fair! you
You moved
ignoredup
herhere in the
bawlin’ first
when place,
you movedlil’up
miss double-‐standard!
here in the first place, lil’
miss double-‐standard!

Those were different circumstances Interesting like

and youwere
Those knowdifferent
it. I am not meant for the
circumstances Interesting
watching like
Interesting a building
like
South. I like
and you snow,
know it. I and pretty
am not fallfor
meant foliage,
the watching a building
collapse,
watching ora witnessing
building
and restaurants that
South. I like snow, and pretty are not
fall foliage, collapse, or
a witnessing
car accident.
collapse, or witnessing
Waffle House.
and restaurants that are not a caraaccident.
car accident.
Waffle House.

Well I did pay the electric Nah, Amanda’s too skinny for
Betcha also like havin’ bill
Wellthis month,
I did so in
pay the a way
electric
Would you like to end up Nah, Amanda’s
those
Nah, too
similes.
Amanda’s skinny
She’s
toomore forlikefor
skinny a Vespa
a skinny
Betchaindie
also boy to keep
like havin’ Amanda’s
bill this right.
month, so in a way
inWould
a full-‐body cast?
you like I hear
to end up thosethose
similes. She’sShe’s
crashing
similes. more alike
intomore alike
stop Vespa
sign.
a Vespa
a you warm
skinny at boy
indie night
totoo.
keep Amanda’s right. crashing into ainto
stop sign.sign.
you warm at night too. in athey are very
full-‐body itchy.
cast? I hear crashing a stop
they are very itchy.

Hee hee! Instead of

Heeahee! Instead
collapsing
Hee of of she
building,
hee! Instead
a collapsing
is building,
a flagpole
a collapsing she over
blown
building, she
is a flagpolein ablown
strong
is a flagpole over
wind!
blown over
in a strong wind!
in a strong wind!

This is the strip where I made the big announcement that I was quitting my day job A lot of the jokes in QC are simile or metaphor-based. It’s just kind of how my brain
and going to try to do QC full-time. I had no idea if it would work, but in hindsight I works, I guess.
probably could have quit six months earlier!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

98 Number 176: Messageboards Are for Nerds

FmeZ]j)/.2E]kkY_]ZgYj\k9j]>gjF]j\k Number 177: Compliment Drift Nets
FmeZ]j)//2;gehdae]fl<ja^l%F]lk
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
I’m starving. Do you Okay, but let me change first. Hey, you look great! Pft. I do not look great. Amanda
want to go get some I am tired of worrying about uncrossed Ready to go eat? was right, I need to rid myself of this
dinner? legs and dirty old men with mirrors on superfluous squishiness.
the end of their walking-‐sticks.

Why? You look

Uh, Pintsize? What fine the way
are you all up to? you are.

Hello Marten! I wasn’t expecting

you home so soon. We’re playing
Trolls & Flame-‐Wars! It’s an internet
message-‐board based role
playing game.

Oh please. All boys are required

to say that whenever a lady calls
herself fat, or they find themselves
in the gravest of perils.

That doesn’t necessarily mean the

compliment is insincere, though! I mean,
You are checking up on a forum
if you follow that logic, how can you trust
topic you started yesterday, when
any compliment you recieve? I’m telling the
suddenly a Ravening N00b posts:
truth when I say that you look great
“U R TEH GAY FAGOT!1!”
the way you are, I promise.

I roll D20 to cast

STFU N00b!

So, let me get this straight. This isn’t even that bad. So by doubting your sincerity I can get
They are nerdy computers, playing I’ve heard they do Comic Shop you to say even more nice things about me?
a game about computer nerds. Employee LARP on weekends. This is the sort of information a girl
likes to know!

Your STFU N00b

roll fails!

Crap. Can I make I live to serve your

a saving LOL? self-‐esteem, oh radiant
goddess of utmost
beauty.

Ooh! Say that again, but do

it without rolling your eyes
this time.

Still pretty proud of the phrase “saving LOL.” At this stage in my art I had a big problem with drawing people’s heads skewed to
the right or left. A big part of learning to draw is learning to recognize the mistakes
you’re making, and fixing them. It’s still a challenge today!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 178: I Am Sorry, Arcade Fire Dude

FmeZ]j)/02A9eKgjjq$9j[Y\]>aj]<m\] Number 179: A Special Girl
FmeZ]j)/129Kh][aYd?ajd
99
So in this band The Arcade Fire, Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
there’s this one guy whose only job I swear, I’ve never seen
in a bunch of their songs is to dance anybody eat a plate of waffles
And this is all he does? that fast in my life?
around and beat on this big ol’ drum
That seems like kind of
at the appropriate moments.
a silly gimmick.

I did not want to give

them time to bemoan their
fate. Now they know the
sweet embrace of death
in my tummy.

Oh no way, it’s completely awesome! So,uh, what do We should go to the bar!

This guy is a fucking badass-‐ he doesn’t care you want to do now? It has been a while since
whether he looks silly or whatever, he just rocks I got my booze on.
out on that drum as hard as he possibly can.

You can tell he’s just totally caught up

in the music, and he really transfers that
energy to everyone in the audience. It’s
actually awe-‐inspiring to watch. He makes
dudes who just stare at their feet while
they play look like losers in comparison.

Hee hee hee, do you think he is that

intense about everything? All Heh, exchanging waffle-‐breath After a day like today,
“I AM GOING TO BRUSH MY TEETH LIKE for bourbon-‐breath, are we? I think I deserve a good stiff
THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN BRUSHED BEFORE!” drink. No, make that several
in the bathroom every morning? good stiff drinks.

Hahaha yeah!
“I AM MAKING MYSELF SOME
CEREAL AND GODDAMN IF IT ISN’T
GOING TO BE THE MOST
DELICIOUS CEREAL IN THE ENTIRE
HISTORY OF MANKIND!

You know, most girls just curl up

I am not sure that such intensity on the couch with some ice cream
would be a good thing when it came to being and a John Cusack movie after
intimate with a lady. Vigor is always a stressful day.
Comparing most girls
appreciated, but cervical bruising is not.
to me is like comparing Sputnik
to a spaceborne death-‐laser.

Ow. I don’t even have

a cervix and that thought
makes me hurt.

Richard from the Arcade Fire threatened to beat me up because of this Personally, I like curling up with some bourbon and a good book after a stressful
comic. I’m pretty sure he was joking. day. Or whenever, really.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

100 Number 180: All A-Quiver

FmeZ]j)0(29dd9%Iman]j
FmeZ]j)0)2Mfkmh]jnak]\<jafcaf_
Number 181: Unsupervised Drinking
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code So you’re gonna be
writing these romance Aah. One down,
Hey buddy! novels full-‐time now? one too many to go!
Been a while since
I seen you here!

Yeah, but I got a buncha

side projects I’m workin’
on too.
Hey Jimbo.
How’ve you been?

Aw not too bad, not too bad at all. I’m workin’ on a short story which is
Quit workin’ construction so’s I could gonna be kinda like “The Old Man and the Sea”
write my big ol’ romance novel. only with weldin’ torches an’ rebar instead Delicious bourbon
of fishin’ lines an’ tuna. Finest of all spirits
A drunken haiku
Wait, your
romance novel?

Oh, I simply
must hear about
this!

An’ then there’s my movie script,

Sure, I got me the manuscript right here. The world needs a road
which is gonna be like “Easy Rider”
Page thirty-‐four: “Drusilla gasped as Lord movie about dumptrucks.
People Hee hee! Like a only with dumptrucks instead of
Forwhyllyn loosed his throbbing manhood from They’re the symbol of
actually pay kielbasa into a motorcycles.
the sweaty confines of his breeches and American freedom.
plunged it into her quivering woman-‐flesh.” you for this? Jello mold!

I’m makin’
a pee-‐rah-‐mid!

American freedom,
Shit yeah they pay me! an’ bein’ able to dump
Got a twenty-‐grand advance Man. “Quivering
woman-‐flesh?” Way to stuff on pursuin’ Damn straight!
an’ a four-‐book contract. If a lady’s junk is police cars.
make gettin’ your bone quiverin’, her man must
on sound gross. be deliverin’!

Who’s straight?
I can’t see straight.
Oh hello mister floor,
fancy meeting you
down here.

I’ve often said that if I ever get tired of doing comics, I think I could be a pretty good One of the best QC cosplayers I’ve ever seen was a dude who dressed up as Jimbo.
romance novelist. The resemblance was UNCANNY.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 182: Fayeku

FmeZ]j)0*2>Yq]cm
Number 183: No More Clown Rap
FmeZ]jw10+2wNgwEgr]w;down-Rap
101
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Welp, time fer me to get goin’.
Got a busy day tomorrow of thinkin’ up new
How’re you feeling?
euphemisms fer’ jizzin’ on a lady’s corset. Heh, good luck.

My body is demonstratin’
Sticky, pearly white a remarkable ability to not
alights upon her corset sober up.
and leaves telltale stains

Maybe I should have another drink.

Come on, Haiku Princess. Y’know, send one more down to see what
Visiting hours with the floor the other five are doin’ down there
are over for today. in my stomch.

Aww, but we were

makin’ friends!

Bad idea. Beeblebrox’s Gambit

always does more harm than
good. That’s drunk-‐logic.

Bartender, could I get a glass

of water for my pickled friend here? Drunk logic?

Sure thing.

You know, things that seem

like really good ideas when
you’re drunk, but are actually
really dumb.

Heeeee, pickle is a funny word. Hee hee! Like pickin’

Are you implyin’ that I can’t a fight with a ninja, or
hold my liquor? listenin’ to Insane
Clown Posse!

No, you seem to be holding your liquor Picking a fight with a ninja
pretty well. The problem is that you’re who listens to ICP would be pretty
currently holding enough of it to much the worst thing you could do.
kill and preserve the remains of
a rhinoceros.

Nunchaku made from two

Faygo bottles, super-‐baggy
ninja pants, katana with
His life on the veldt “JUGGALO NINJAZ” engraved
cut short by cruel Jim Beam on the blade. He’d behead you
Poor Rhinoceros while grunting homophobic
lyrics about “Syko Klown
Killa Samuraiz.”

They aren’t PROPER haiku, really, but kudos to Faye for not needing to count the I still get the occasional angry email from a Juggalo because of this strip. It is not a
syllables out first. demographic I am particularly interested in appealing to.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

102 Number 184: XSnoreCoreX

FmeZ]j)0,2pKfgj];gj]p
Number 185: Atheism
FmeZ]j)0-29l`]ake
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Congratulations, you made Aww, did she Yeah, but I can’t really complain.
it all the way home without pass out on you? It’s kinda nice having her sleepin’
falling over or walking into on me like this.
any telephone poles.

And now I’ma walk

into the couch an’ fall
over onto it!

So you’re still pretty

wasted, huh.
Holy! HAUGHF!

Only a lil’ bit . An’ by

a “lil’ bit” I mean
yes completely.

Y’know, yer such a nice boy, Oh uh well how exactly Oh man, are Can’t...breathe...
Marten. Always takin’ care of are you, uh, planning to you okay? testicles...destroyed...
me an’ stuff. I been meanin’ thank me?
to thank you.

Oh, by passing out and drooling There. Is. No. God.

on my shoulder. That’s exactly
what I was hoping for.

ZzzzZZzzzZZz
snrgle

If there is,
He or She must think
vomit and testicle injuries
are hilarious.

Man I used to write the text on their t-shirts way too small! This will eventually become a running gag.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 186: Questions Number 187: Honorable Bottoms

FmeZ]j)0/2@gfgjYZd]:gllgek 103
Ennngh.... Number
So you are sayingTwenty-six: Dress
that I passed out,Code Yeah, pretty much. While
Why does it feel as though headbutted you in the groin, and then vomited everything was in the washing
a badger made his burrow in my all over your lap and the couch? machine, I put you to bed and
brain last night and then died zonked out on the floor.
in it?

Well uh I did have to kinda take

them off. There was some barf on them
and I didn’t want it to get all over my bed
Wait, why am I in Marten’s room? What happened to my pants, then? so I put them in the laundry too. I couldn’t
Why am I not waearing any pants?! Why were they on the floor when I exactly get them back on you while you
woke up this morning? were sleeping, so...

I mean I didn’t take advantage of

Marten, exactly what transpired you or anything, I think that is basically
last night? The last thing I remember is-‐ the worst thing a dude can do. I couldn’t
why the hell do you have a Ziploc baggie help but see you in an underwear-‐clad
full of ice resting on your crotch? state, but I promise I am an
honorable dude!

It is okay, Marten. I trust you.

I’m just trying to get the
Besides, it was my fault for causing
swelling to go down. You really
this mess in the first place. I should be
did quite a number on my manly-‐
the one apologizing. I am sorry, and I
bits last night.
will not let it happen again.

Gack...can’t...breathe...must... You have ten seconds before Aw no apology needed, Faye. I’m just glad
rephrase...poorly-‐worded... I snap your head right off and you’re not pissed at me. I gotta admit,
previous...sentence... bicycle-‐kick it out the window though, those dancing alligator underpants
into oncoming traffic. This had are really goddamned cute.
better be a rephrasing on par
with the Gettysburg Address.

Sigh. Give a boy an inch,

and he will use that inch to
get a peek at your bottom.

I‘m a big history buff, so it’s no surprise that it works its way into the comic some- Give a boy a mile, and he will look at so many bottoms, you have no idea.
times. I was going through a big American Civil War phase at the time this strip was
written.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

104 Number 188: Diggin’ For Gold

FmeZ]j)002<a__af>gj?gd\ Number 189: WWHWD?
FmeZ]j)012OO@O<7
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Hey squishypants, I am an inconsiderate, Oh man! Headbutted and barfed
what’s with the frown? drunken buffoon. on in the space of 30 seconds.
You poor bastard.

Yeah it basically
sucked. She was like
two inches from my
lips when it
happened, too.

I dunno, man. I mean we get along

Aww, what Well, it’s pretty obvious and stuff, but she’s only really
happened? that she has a thing affectionate when she’s drunk.
for you then, right? I can’t tell if she honestly
likes me, or what.
I drank way too much last night,
passed out and got sick all over
the place. Also I headbutted
Marten in his boy-‐parts.

It is hard to get
a lady to evaluate
to true.

Ouch. Was That is the thing, he was not upset! Yeah that’s the other thing.
he mad? I mean he probably was not thrilled, but he Seems like she has I can’t push it because I don’t want
cleaned everything up and put me in his bed some pretty substantial her to freak out, you know? My only
to sleep it off while he slept out on the floor. relationship issues. option is to play it cool and hope
I feel like I should do something nice for him something eventually happens.
to make up for it, but I do not know what.

What would
Henry Winkler
do?

Honey, I think the only thing that’d make up

for all he’s done for you would be to grant him
That probably isn’t any easier Dude, don’t remind me.
unrestricted access to one of your orifices.
to do now that you’ve seen her That ass must’ve given
without her pants on, eh? God a boner when he was
I am going to pretend that you sculpting it. Ennngh.
are referring to letting him pick
my nose for me. Thpppt bleah.

Wouldn’t that
be incest? Or is it
more like a guy jacking
off to hentai he drew
himself? Hmm.

Bloom County reference! I like how Pintsize has a joke in every panel he’s in.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 190: She’s So Exasperating

FmeZ]j)1(2K`]kKg=pYkh]jYlaf_ Number 191: Never Lean Back
FmeZ]j)1)2F]n]jD]Yf:Y[c
105
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
So, any ideas as to what you’re And for you, sir?
going to to for Marten? Do they involve
leather straps and riding crops? I’ll have a cheeseburger,
medium rare, and a
Guinness to drink,
please.

Ha ha ha, you are a

funny little sex pervert.
I am still thinking.

Perhaps I could give him a hair-‐cut.

He did mention that he wanted one a while Dude our waitress is I’ve never understood how you
back, and I could save him some money. hot! I’m gonna try and pull that off. You don’t even know
get her number. if she’s single!

Mmmm. Pale, skinny indie-‐

boy with short, tousled dark
hair. He’d look hot like that.

Yeah, it’d look nice

on him, I think.
Watch and learn, buddy.
Watch and lear-‐

Ah ha! Caught out at last,

and using a contraction no
less! Admit it, Faye, you think
he’s a cutie-‐pants.

How is me saying he would Omigod omigod Does your method of picking

look nice with shorter hair a I am so sorry! up chicks usually involve
declaration of some hidden getting beer dumped on your
attraction for him?! head before you ask them out?

The true ladies’ man

can turn even this
seeming setback into
a victory for love.

I bet this is only the

tip of the horny iceberg
for you. Your subconscious
probably makes mine look
like a nunnery in Siberia
by comparison. The true ladies’ man
also owes me another
Guinness.

I was slowly trying to wean myself off of Faye’s no-contractions habit at this point. This restaurant was based loosely on Fitzwilly’s, another real-life Northampton
I’m glad I eventually did. establishment (that, at the time, had some pretty crappy service).
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

106 Number 192: At Least She’s Not a Ho-Ho Number 193: Get the Girl
FmeZ]j)1+2?]lL`]?ajd
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
FmeZ]j)1*29lD]YklK`]kFgl9@g%@g Okay, I’m pretty much dry.
Right on. I wanna swing
I am so, so sorry I spilled Let’s get outta here before
by the coffeeshop and see
that beer on you. I can get my You know, what would be my pride gets shot any more. how Faye’s holding up.
manager to give you the meal even better is if I could get
for free if you want... your phone number instead.

Hey wait! Here’s my number.

My name’s Ellen, by the way.
Ummm, hehehe... Oh, uh, sure. Forget I asked.
How about I get you that I’ll just pay for the food, it’s cool.
free meal instead.

Uh, my name’s
Steve. I thought
you didn’t-‐

Sorry, I just wanted to make

sure you weren’t trying to take
advantage of the situation earlier.
If you had raised a fuss I wouldn’t
be giving you my number. Gimme a
call sometime, ‘kay?

Don’t give me that look.

I know what that look means.

Uh, sure,
thanks!

She...she totally
outmaneuvered me. I’ve
never been so aroused
in my entire life.

That was like watching Bruce

Lee break his hand trying to
karate-‐chop a Twinkie.

Okay! Didn’t need to

know about your boner!
Schadenfreude and Thanks for playing!
Hostess metaphors. Thast’s
exactly what I wanted to
hear just now. Thanks.

Man, Ellen was really cute back then! I guess I don’t COMPLETELY hate my old art. I still hate MOST of my old art, though.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 200: Look On the Bright Side Number 201: Misunderestimation

FmeZ]j*()2Eakmf\]j]klaeYlagf 107
FmeZ]j*((2DggcGfL`]:ja_`lKa\] Number Twenty-six:
Why, hello boys. Has anything Dress CodeWell uh apparently Steve wants me to
FmeZ]j*()2Eakmf\]j]klaeYlagf
FmeZ]j*()2Eakmf\]j]klaeYlagf
interesting occurred while I
Why, hello boys. Has anything
do a double date with him and this girl
Well uh apparently Steve wants me to
Hey boys, was absent? he just met.
interesting
Why, occurred
hello boys. while I
Has anything do auhdouble
Well date with
apparently himwants
Steve and this
me girl
to
what’s shakin’?
wasoccurred
interesting absent? while I he just
do a double date withmet.
him and this girl
was absent? he just met.

Not too much.

Is Faye around?

Exciting stuff!
You’re so devoted to her, it’s Who will your date Uh...Dora.
really cute. She just went out to Exciting stuff!
be? Uh...Dora.
pick up some supplies. Who will your
Exciting date
stuff!
Who will be?
your date Uh...Dora.
be?

Oh uh well I wouldn’t really

say I was devoted, I mean
it’s not like we’re goin’ out
or anything...

Oh, is that so? Does this

mean you’d consider going
out with another girl?

You know, a double

date with you and Ellen Uh wait I uh-‐
might not be a bad idea.

Why is everyone staring SO HOW ABOUT THEM

at me? Are you expecting me No! Wait, yes! RED SOX HUH ARE THEY A
It’s settled then. Marten, you and your Why is everyone staring SO HOW ABOUT THEM
Hee! This is going to be upset by this news? No wait, I mean-‐ BASEBALL TEAM OR WHAT
lanky friend here will be my safety net on atWhy
me?isAre you expecting No! Wait, yes!
to be fun! everyone staring me No
RED SOX HUH
SO HOW ARETHEM
ABOUT THEY A
the first date with Ellen.
atto
me?be Are
upset
youby this news?
expecting me No!wait,
Wait,I yes!
mean-‐ BASEBALL
RED TEAM
SOX HUH AREOR WHAT
THEY A
to be upset by this news? No wait, I mean-‐ BASEBALL TEAM OR WHAT

Hush, I need
to watch and see
Hush, I need
You know your life’s fucked if she goes for my
toHush,
watch need
and see
up when the idea of going out neck orI Marten’s
if she
to goes for
watch my
on a date with your best friend neckand see
first.
and a hot goth chick is cause ifneck or Marten’s
she goes for my
for worry and confusion. neckneck first.
or Marten’s
neck first.

It kind of looks like Marten is staring at Dora’s crotch in that last panel. Questionable Content: Mountains Out Of Molehills, five days a week.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

108 Number 202: Sexy Clones

FmeZ]j*(*2K]pq;dgf]k
FmeZ]j*(*2K]pq;dgf]k Number 203: Like Hair On a Wookie
FmeZ]j*(+2Dac]@YajGf9Oggca]]
FmeZ]j*(*2K]pq;dgf]k
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code FmeZ]j*(+2Dac]@YajGf9Oggca]]
Do
Donot
notlook
lookso
soglum,
glum,Marten.
Marten.
IIamDohappy
am not
happy that
look so you
that youwill
glum, have
Marten.
will have
aanight
Inightout
am happy with your
that
out with youfriends!
your will have
friends! It was nice of Dora Eh, it means she doesn’t
a night out with your friends! Eh, to
have it means
pay meshe as doesn’t
much this
It
to was niceoff
let you ofwork
Dora
to early
let you off work
tonight. have to pay
week. me as much
Her altruism this
rings
early tonight. week.aHer altruism
little hollow. rings
a little hollow.

IfIfyou
youwould
wouldlike,
like,IIcan
cangive
give
you
youaaIf haircut tonight.
you would
haircut like,You
tonight. IYouwill
can look
give
will look Hahaha,
Hahaha,okay.
okay.
all dashing
you a and
haircut make
tonight.
all dashing and make this this Ellen
You willgirl
Ellen look
girl Thanks
Thanks Faye!
Hahaha, okay.
Faye! How short do you Shush, I’m
allwish
wish she
shehad
dashing hadnot
and notfallen
make thisfor
fallen Ellen
for girl Thanks Faye! How short
want do you
the back? Shush,done.
almost I’m
a
wish aSmarmodon.
she had not fallen for
Smarmodon. want the back? almost done.
a Smarmodon.

Ooh, more
Real short, please.
Ooh, more
hair-‐cutting!
Real
Did short, please.
you just use
hair-‐cutting!
Did you just use
a contraction?
a contraction?

Now,
Now,isisaaSmarmodon
Smarmodon
aatype
Now,of
type isSmarmosaur,
of a Smarmodon
Smarmosaur,
or isisthe
aortype ofother
the way
Smarmosaur,
other way
or isaround?
the other way
around?
around?

All done! What

Oh
Ohman
manhave
haveyou
youever
ever Oh,
Oh,uh,
uh,pretty
prettyshort
short All
do done! What
you think?
gotten
gottenshaggy
Oh man
shaggy back
have youhere.
back ever
here. IIthink. I’m
Oh, uh,
think. kinda
kindasick
pretty
I’m short
sick do you think?
How
Howshort
gotten should
shaggy
short IIcut
shouldback it?
cuthere.
it? I of
ofall
allthis
think. I’m hair.
this kinda
hair. sick
How short should I cut it? of all this hair. Whoa, it looks
Whoa, it looks
awesome!
awesome!
Thanks Faye!
Thanks Faye!

Can I have the

Can I have
leftover themy
hair for
Don’t
Don’tcut
cuthis
hishair
hair leftover hair
Nathaniel for my
Hawthorne
too
tooshort,
Don’tor
short, orpeople
cut are
his hair
people are Nathaniel Hawthorne
costume?
going to
tothink
too short,
going or he
think heand
andIare
people I costume?
are
going
are related.
torelated.
think he and I
are related.

IfIfthat I feel sexy now. All makin’

thatwill
willkeep
keepyou
youfrom
from Hmm,
Hmm,don’t
don’tbebeso
sosure
sureit’d
it’d I feelpanties
ladies sexy now.
wetAllfrom
makin’
100
The notion of a Sexy Yoda
mounting him
himat
If that atthe
will dinner
keep table,
you from work, honey.
don’tThat’d
be so be The notion
or George Lucasofhaving
a Sexy Yoda to
anything
mounting the dinner table, Hmm,
work, honey. That’d besome
sure it’d
some ladies
yearspanties
away-‐wet from
a Sex 100
Jedi!
I
mounting may just
him at
I may do
doit.
the
just dinner
it. table, hot
work, faux-‐incest.
honey. That’d be some or George Lucas
do with boners havingdisturbs
greatly anythingme.
to
hot faux-‐incest. years away-‐ a Sex Jedi!
I may just do it. hot faux-‐incest. do with boners greatly disturbs me.

Insert obvious
IIthink
thinkyou
youshould
shouldrub
rub Insert obvious
lightsaber joke
the
theback
Iback of
think my
myhead
ofyou headsome
should rub
some lightsaber
here! joke
more.
more. You
Youknow,
the back of myto
know, get
head
to an
getsome
an here!
idea
idea of how you’re goingto
of
more. how
You you’re
know, going
to get an
to
cut
idea ofmy
cut how
my hair. Yeah.
you’re
hair. going to
Yeah.
cut my hair. Yeah.

The whole “Marten and Dora look related” thing would become much more of a Marten’s hair takes a step closer to what would eventually become his “standard”
problem later on. hairstyle.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 204: Snip Snip Number 205: Tira Misu Is Delicious

FmeZ]j*(-2LajYEakmAk<]da[agmk 109
FmeZ]j*(,2KfahKfah Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
First of all, it’s not
So when is date. I’m just helping
your date? Steve out. And I don’t know
I’m glad you like your Oh, totally! when it’s gonna be.
haircut, Marten. Thanks again!

Ooh, yes! Are you going

And you’re going to get your make-‐out on with
with Dora? Are you our sexy scarecrow friend?
You know, you seem a little
going to make out
more...relaxed...around
with her?
me now.

I uh er uh
Oh, is that
so?

Oh Marten, don’t be
so uptight about it! We’re
Cutting someone’s hair is just messing with you.
a good way of establishing
trust. I bet that’s what
it is.

I’m not being uptight!

I just don’t think it’s that
kind of date, you know?

Heheh, so all I had to do to

gain your trust was place my
physical appearance in your
hands, eh?

Honey, this is Dora we’re talking

about. You may not make it out of the
No, it was more the knowledge restaurant with your pants intact.
that I could snip off an ear if you tried See, I could sense
anything inappropriate with your head that turning around and
Aw man, I like
in my lap. nuzzling your crotch
these pants!
would have been a
mistake.

I’ve seen movies like

that! They always seem to
end with anal sex on top
of the tira misu.

At this point Faye was using contractions pretty much normally. Thank god. Man, now I want tira misu.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

110 Number 206: Julia Child

FmeZ]j*(.2BmdaY;`ad\
Number 207: Marinara
FmeZ]jw*072wEYrafYrY
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Man, I’m starving Dinner is ready!
all of a sudden.

Awesome, it smells
I could make us really good!
a tasty dinner!

Damn Faye, I’m impressed. You

managed to make some tasty spaghetti
Are you sure? You have a
and meatballs without setting anything
history of cataclysmic cooking
on fire or flooding the kitchen!
catastrophes.

Told you so!

Hmph. That stupid

toaster was just out
to get me.

Why do you have a

Well, if you want to cook towel wrapped around
so bad, go right ahead. Just your hand, though?
try not to burn my apartment
down, okay? Oh, um I cut it a
little tiny bit while
Oh ye of little faith. opening the canned
I’ll show you just how capable tomatoes.
I am in the kitchen!

Faye, you seem to be,

I can hear the uh, dripping. Exactly how
appliances screaming bad was this “little
in terror! A salad spinner that tiny cut?”
somehow bursts into flame
and incinerates us all. Does hitting a vein
Keep up the wisecracks
and I’ll turn your head into count as “bad?”
a salad spinner.

Bleah! I don’t know

what that red stuff on
the kitchen floor is,
but it’s definitely
not tomato sauce.

Man, remember salad spinn- okay okay okay this gag is getting old, I’ll stop. When Pintsize found out it was blood, he tried to drink the rest of it in order to “gain
Faye’s powers.”
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

FmeZ]j*(02LjaY_]
Number 208: Triage Number 209: Hsu, the Punching Intern
FmeZ]j*(12@km$L`]Hmf[`af_Afl]jf
111
FmeZ]j*(02LjaY_]
That’s because you were Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
That taxi driver bleeding all over his back
was so rude! That’s because you were
seat, Faye.
That taxi driver Okay, I’m going to inject some
bleeding all over his back
was so rude! anaesthetic into the wound Eeee...
seat, Faye.
now, Faye.

Ooh, that looks Nurse, could you get Wait, you mean
painful. Can I get Faye Whitaker.
a punching intern in she wasn’t joking
Ooh,name,
your that looks
miss? here for me? about that?
painful. Can I get Faye Whitaker.
your name, miss?
Nope. With the med school next
What exactly door, we have a lot of spare students
happened running around. Might as well do
What
to exactly
you, Faye? something useful with them, you know?
happened
to you, Faye?

I cut my hand making

dinner and it’s kind of...
I cut my hand making
squirty.
dinner and it’s kind of...
squirty.
Okay, we’ll get you checked
in and a doctor will be with you
Okay,
as we’ll
soonget you checked
as possible.
in and a doctor will be with you
as soon as possible.

Um, can my friend here Sigh...punching

come along with me? intern reporting
Um, can my friend here for duty.
come along with me?

Holy shit, what

happened to you?

Of course, honey. It’s

good to have a familiar
Of course,
hand tohoney.
hold. It’s
good to have a familiar
hand to hold.

Screw “familiar hands,”

this is going to hurt like a I just spent eleven hours
Hey, wait a minute!
Screw
bitch and“familiar hands,”
I want someone in the maternity ward with a
this
to is going
punch to isn’t
who hurt like
the a Hey, wait a minute! woman having twins.
bitch and I want someone
doctor stitching me up.
to punch who isn’t the Good lord did she ever
doctor stitching me up. beat the stuffing out of
you, dude.

Nah, I got off easy.

Don’t worry, sir. In these Her husband is still
situations we keep an intern in the ICU.
Don’t worry,
on hand forsir. In these
surrogate
situationspunching.
we keep an intern
on hand for surrogate
punching.

That pain scale on the wall is much more appropriate than the usual 1 to 10 scale I meant to do more with Hsu the Punching Intern but never got around to it.
they use in the real world.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

112 Number 210: Utahraptor Has No Posse

FmeZ]j*)(2MlY`jYhlgj@YkFgHgkk] Number 211: Does Thinkgeek Sell Diapers?
FmeZ]j*)*2<g]kL`afc_]]cK]ddHYeh]jk7
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
FmeZ]j*)(2MlY`jYhlgj@YkFgHgkk]
FmeZ]j*)(2MlY`jYhlgj@YkFgHgkk]
FmeZ]j*)(2MlY`jYhlgj@YkFgHgkk]
FmeZ]j*)(2MlY`jYhlgj@YkFgHgkk]
That doctor was Heheh. Enjoying Sho how do you
sho
That
ThatThat nishe!
doctor
doctor was
waswas your lollipop? tashte shtuff,
doctor Heheh.Heheh. Enjoying
Enjoying
Heheh. Enjoying
That doctor
showas
shonishe!
nishe!
nishe! Heheh. Enjoying anyway?
sho your your lollipop?
lollipop?
your lollipop?
sho nishe! your lollipop?

Chemical spectrometer
linked to a holding tank
in my torso.

Yesh, very
musch!
Yesh,
Yesh, veryvery
Yesh, very
Yesh, very musch!
musch!
musch!
musch!

It was nice of you not

towas
It actually
Itwas
was punch
nice
nicenice
of that
ofyou
you younot
not not
It of Hmm, that would explain
It wastonice ofactually
topoor
actuallyyou not
Hsu kid.
punchpunch that
thatthat
to actually punch why eating that tomato
to actually poor
punch that
poor
Hsu Hsu
kid. kid.
poor Hsu kid. sauce didn’t completely
poor Hsu kid.
short you out...

I can eat things

now! Hooray!

He looked so beaten up
already,
He looked Iso
Helooked
lookedcouldn’t bring
sobeaten
beaten
beaten up upup
He so
He looked so beaten
myself
already,
already, up him
to Iharm
couldn’t
I couldn’t bringbring
already, I couldn’t bring
already, Imyself
couldn’t
any
myself
to bring
further!
toharm
harm harm him
him him
myself to
myself to any
harm any himfurther!
further!
any further!
any further!

How’s your hand feeling? Where does the

How’sHow’s
your
How’s your
hand
your hand feeling?
feeling?
hand feeling? food go after you’ve
How’s your hand feeling?
It hurtsh, but it’sh not too bad. tasted it?
The doctor
It hurtsh, shaid
Ithurtsh,
hurtsh,
butbut theit’sh
but
it’sh shtiches
not nottoo
too toohave
bad. bad.
It it’sh not bad.
It hurtsh, but
The
The The
doctorit’sh
todoctor
shtay
shaidnot
inthe
shaid tooshtiches
for abad.
theweek.
shtiches
have have
doctor shaid the shtiches have
The doctor shaid the
to shtiches
shtay have
to shtay
to ininfor
in for
shtay aforaaweek.
week.week.
to shtay in for a week.
Well I don’t really
know because this is
the first time I’ve-‐

gurgle
urgle
Please, please tell me that’s
Aaagh!
I think I should go
just tomato
Please,
Please, sauce telland
please
please tellyou
me medidn’t
that’s
that’s to the bathroom.
Aaagh!
Aaagh!
Please, please tell me that’s
Aaagh!
Aaagh!
Please,
just
just tomato
please
explode
just
just
tell
the
tomato
tomato
tomato
sauce
explode
explode the
explode
and
me
sauce that’s
neighbor’s
sauce
andand
sauce
theyou
something.
and
you
didn’t
neighbor’s
neighbor’s
the neighbor’s
cat
you
you
ordidn’t
didn’t
didn’t
cator
catcat
or or I wish I could say this was
explode the neighbor’s cat
something.
something. or the first time my cooking has
something.
something. provoked that reaction.

It’s just tomato sauce, and

IIt’s
don’t It’sexplode
just just
tomato cats.
tomato
sauce,It’sand
way
sauce, and
It’s just tomato sauce, and
It’s just tomato
too sauce,
difficult to and
coax them
I Idon’t
I don’t don’t
explode explode
explodecats. cats.
It’s
cats. It’sway
way
It’s way
I don’t explode
toointo too cats.
the It’scoax
difficult
difficult to way
microwave.
to coax
them them
too difficult to coax them
too difficultintoto coax
into
the thethem
microwave.
microwave.
into the microwave.
into the microwave. I need to learn
some new profanity,
‘cause the old
standards just
aren’t cutting it
in this situation.

I’m more of a dog person, myself. R.O.B.O.T. P.O.O.P J.O.K.E.S.

 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 213: Get a Bolt-Cutter

FmeZ]j*)+2?]l9:gdl%;mll]j
FmeZ]j*)+2?]l9:gdl%;mll]j Number 214: Emergency Rations
FmeZ]j*),2=e]j_]f[qJYlagfk
113
FmeZ]j*)+2?]l9:gdl%;mll]j
Okay,
Okay,
I have
I have
hadhad
a long
a long Night,
Night,
Faye.
Faye.
Hope
Hope
your
your Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
FmeZ]j*),2=e]j_]f[qJYlagfk
day
day
andand
need
need
some
some
sleep.
sleep. hand
hand
feels
feels
better
better
in the
in the
Thank you for helping me Oh, no problem.
Okay, I have
Goodnight,
Goodnight,had
Marten.a long
Marten. Night,morning.
Faye. Hope your
morning.
with my, um, pants issues You’re lucky we didn’t
day and need some sleep. hand feels better in the Oh,tonobreak
problem.
Thank you fornight.
last helping me have out the
Goodnight, Marten. morning. You’re lucky we didn’t
with my, um, pants issues hacksaw!
last night. have to break out the
hacksaw!

Ung...rrrgh
Ung...rrrgh
ow!ow! I don’t get the obsession
girls have with fitting into
Ung...rrrgh ow! Very Iclothes
don’t get the
that obsession
are too tight
funny. girls
for haveWouldn’t
them. with fitting into
you rather
Very clothes that are too tight
just wear something more
funny. for them.comfortable?
Wouldn’t you rather
just wear something more
comfortable?
Uh,Uh,
Marten?
Marten?
Could
Could
youyou
come
come
help
help
me?
me?
Uh, Marten? Could
you come help me?

What’s wrong?
What’s wrong?
It’s not that simple!
Sometimes you go to put on some pants
What’s wrong? It’s not that simple!
that fit you fine last week and they’re
Sometimes
maybe you
a little go to put
tighter on some
because pants
of hormones
that fit you fine last week
or water retention or because andyouthey’re
werre
maybe a little
working tighter
out because
and your of hormones
leg muscles are
or water retention or because you werre
swollen.
working out and your leg muscles are
swollen.

MyMypants
pantsareare
buttoned
buttoned
rather tightly
rather and
tightly I can’t
and I can’t
Sure, of of
Sure,
My
getget
thempants
them are
offoff
with buttoned
oneone
with hand.
hand.
course!
course!
rather
Can tightly
I trust
Can and
youyou
I trust to Iassist
can’t
assist
to
Sure, of
get them
meme off with one hand.
honorably?
honorably?
course!
Can I trust you to assist
me honorably?

Rrrgh! Jesus,
Rrrgh! how
Jesus, howtighttight
areare
these on on
these you?!
you?! What about those Pepperidge Farm
Rrrgh! Jesus, how tight cookies you keep hidden under the
What about
couch? Arethose
thosePepperidge Farm
another culprit?
are these on you?!
It’s
cookies you keep hidden under the
It’snotnot
mymy fault!
fault!
A lady likes
A lady to to
likes look shapely,
look shapely, couch? Are those another culprit?
and It’s not this
sometimes
and sometimes mythis
fault!
requires
requires
aA crowbar
lady likesand
a crowbar toand
look
some shapely,
somelube
lube
and to
sometimes
getget
to into this
pants!
into requires
pants!
a crowbar and some lube
to get into pants!

No. Those...those are

for making myself feel
No.
betterThose...those are
about my slightly
for making
larger myself
bottom.feel
better about my slightly
larger bottom.

Still hadn’t figured out how to draw faces in profile yet. That doesn’t seem like a very hygienic place to hide food.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

114 Number 215: Can You Hear Me Now? Number 216: For His Protection
FmeZ]j*).2>gj@akHjgl][lagf
FmeZ]j*)-2;YfQgm@]YjE]Fgo7
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Okay, I’m all set.
Hello? Oh, hey Steve. What’s up?
Wait, tonight? Oh, uh sure that’s fine
with me. See you at the restaurant
then, bye.

Are you sure? I still

don’t think your eyeshadow
matches those pants.

Ha ha, smartass.

Man, Steve must really All right, I’m going to

So the big date be into this girl to set up pick Dora up now. See you Wait, before you go,
is tonight, then? the date the day after he later, Faye. Marten...
gets her number. I’d better
call Dora and let her know.

Listen-‐ if anything happens

Hey, Dora? It’s Marten. Oh hey kiddo, what’s up?
with Dora, if she makes a move
on your or snuggles up close
Well uh apparently Steve Sure thing, cutie! or something...
scheduled this date thing Come pick me up around 7:45,
for tonight at like 8, is that okay? See you then!
okay with you?

Yeah?

Well, I guess I’m going Spray her with this

to pick her up tonight, then. mace. Make sure you
aim for the eyes.
I bet she greets you
at the door wearing
nothing but a couple
layers of Saran-‐Wrap.
Hmph.

It’d be really
Right, because taking
awkward if that’s
two different girls to the
what Ellen decided
hospital two nights in a
to wear tonight
row wouldn’t look shady
as well.
at all.

Is this the first time I ever did a split panel? I think it might be! I do that a lot more “Why did I mace you, Dora? Oh, because Faye told me to.”
often these days.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 217: I Have That Sweater Number 218: Awkward Maki

Number  218:  Awkward  Maki
115
Number  218:  Awkward  Maki
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
The door’s open, Yeah, they’re over in the
come on in! Do you see Yeah,
back they’re
corner. overainwhore
Steve’s the
themDoanywhere?
you see back corner.
for good Steve’s
Chinese a whore
food, he
them anywhere? foralways
good Chinese food, he
eats here.
always eats here.

CK
KNNOOCK
K

Hello! Nice to, uh, meet

Hello? Nice to,again.
uh, meet
Hey kids, Hello! you
gladHey
youkids,
could you again.
makeglad you could
it. Ellen, these
make
are myit. Ellen, these
friends Dora
areand
my Marten.
friends Dora
and Marten.

I‘m almost ready,

I’ll be right out! Don’t
worry about the kitty,
she likes people.

I like your sweater! Oh, thanks. It’s actually a guys’

There, all set. Do I Oh, thanks.
sweater. ThankIt’s actuallyfor
goodness a guys’
thrift
IIt’s
like really
your sweater!
cute.
look indie enough to blend sweater.stores,
Thank goodness
I guess. for thrift
It’s really cute.
in with the natives? stores, I guess.

I, uh, wow. You

actually look great
like that.

You know, sometimes I wish

You know,
I had sometimes
a boyish figure likeI wish
you.
I had be
It must a boyish figure
so much easierlikefinding
you.
It must be so much
shirts thateasier
fit! finding
shirts that fit!

You know, this is the first Steve, you may need Proof that one
time I’ve seen you wearing Ummm...I mean, toSteve, you your
order for may little
need Proof
need that
not one
be in a
Ummm...I
not that you, mean,
uh, to order
friend forThe
here. your little
waiter needrestaurant
not be in a
non-black clothing. I didn’t French
not
lookthat
like ayou,
boyuh, friend
won’t here.
be able to The waiter
understand
think you owned any! toFrench
make arestaurant
faux pas,
look
or like a boy
anything... won’t
her be her
with ablefoot
to understand
crammed
or anything...
to make a faux pas,
I suppose.
her withdown
so far her foot crammed
her throat. I suppose.
so far down her throat.

Oh, these aren’t mine.

I’ve got an unconscious
emo girl tied up in my closet
wearing nothing but her
underpants.

I still draw Dora in that sweater sometimes. It’s so cute! Good lord look how far Ellen’s head is skewed to the right in panel 4, what was I
DOING
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

116 Number 219: I Like

Number  219:  I  L Fish Too
ike  Fish  Too Number 220: She’s Not Upset
Number  220:  She’s  Not  Upset
Number
Number  219:  I  L Twenty-six: Dress Code
ike  Fish  Too
So, uh, what do you Well mostly I just
do in
So, uh,your
whatspare time?
do you go to mostly
Well school and study.
I just
So Marten and Dora
are out on their date now?
do in your spare time? go to school and study.
Yes.

Oh, you’re still Yeah, I’m majoring in marine

in you’re
collegestill
then? biology with
Yeah, I’m a minorininmarine
majoring philosophy.
Oh, I like what you’ve
in college then? biology with a minor in philosophy. done with your hair.

Thank you.

So, uh do you...

That’s an unusual
combination. NO I DO NOT CARE THAT
That’s an unusual THEY ARE OUT ON A DATE TOGETHER
combination. IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME IN THE SLIGHTEST
Yeah, but it’s a largely
unexplored SO PLEASE DO NOT ASK AGAIN
Yeah, butfield.
it’s aMy final project
largely
this semester
unexplored field. involved
My final explaining
project
Derrida to moray eels.
this semester involved explaining
Derrida to moray eels.

Waugh!

Did you find

out anything I want to eat
Did you find Not really. It turns
interesting? out Ifish!
want The
toeel
eatis my
out anything Not that eels
really. don’t care
It turns
interesting? about
out that Derrida,
eels don’tthey just
care fish! spirit
The eelanimal!
is my
want to eat fish. spirit animal!
about Derrida, they just
want to eat fish.

I was only asking

if you wanted to play
a game of Scrabble!

I will only spell words

such as “slut” and “trollop”
and “strangle”.

I like the idea of this kind of preposterous science. Faye is becoming DANGEROUSLY PROTECTIVE of Marten.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 220: She’s Aittle  Shark

Number  221:  She’s  A  L Little Shark Number 222: A Private Conversation
Number  222:    A  Private  Conversation
117
Number  222:    A  Private  Conversation
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
I think I see
our food coming out. Excuse me, I gotta
go toExcuse
the little
me,boys’ room.
I gotta
go to the little boys’ room.
Yum yum! You know what?
I’m starving. I was thinking
You know the
what?
same
I was thing. the
thinking
same thing.

General Tso’s chicken for you, Gossiping about us Actually, yes.

and sushi deluxe meal for you. in theGossiping
bathroom? What
about usare I need to go change
Actually, yes.
Thank you! you,
in theseventeen-year-old
bathroom? What are my tampon.
I need to go change
girls?
you, seventeen-year-old my tampon.
girls?
Prepare to meet
your doom, fishes!
whimper

Does that mean if

I’mDoes
nicethat
to you I can
mean if
earn my to
I’m nice redyou
wings
I can
earntonight?
my red wings
tonight?

He’s...he’s not serious, is he? No no honey, check

Like he’s notnot
He’s...he’s actually a really
serious, is he? hisNoAdam’s apple.
no honey, He’s
check
What’s the matter? Oh! No, it’s nothing, Yum! manly
Like he’s notgirl, right?a really
actually allhis
boy-parts. Besides,
Adam’s apple. He’s
Are you feeling okay? I’m fine. I swear. Chomp chomp! manly girl, right? allIboy-parts.
don’t go forBesides,
the
butchgo
I don’t girls.
for the
butch girls.
Oh, I...wait, you’re gay?
Oh, I...wait, you’re gay?

As gay as you are

socially
As gay asastute,
you are
evidently.
socially astute,
evidently.

So is she awesome or what? Man stop looking at me

Your little fishy I suppose now I think
So istonight’s going really
she awesome well.
or what? whileMan
I amstop
trying to pee,
My...my poor looking at that’s
me
friends are delicious. would be a bad time I think tonight’s going really well. the creepiest thing to
a dude can do
little innocent fishy while I am trying pee, that’s
friends! You monster! Want some? I think this to tell the story of when to another guy at the urinals.
the creepiest thing a dude can do
guy’s still wiggling. I swallowed a live goldfish
to another guy at the urinals.
on a dare.

If your sushi is still wiggling, you have some EXTREMELY SKETCHY SUSHI. I dunno, I think reaching over and shaking another dude off would be creepier.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

118 Number 223: Encrypted Transmission

Number  223:  Encrypted  Transmission
Number 224: ID Please
Number  224:  ID  Please
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Steve and Ellen make Mmm...did Ellen seem
Actually I have to open a cute couple, don’t you a little, uh, young to you?
Well, that was some think?
the shop tomorrow morning,
tasty food. Are you gonna come
to the movie with us? I should probably get home
and get some sleep.

Oh, it’s probably

No, not really. nothing. Nevermind.
Why do you ask?

My birthday’s actually
coming up next week!
I‘ll, uh, walk you home. I’m so excited! Heheh, man. I didn’t
even do anything for my
Aww, how chivalrous twenty-fourth birthday.
of you. I just went and got drunk
at the bar with Marten.

Well, I think age

Later dudes. Oh...wow. You’re differences don’t
Right on then, You too Ellen. twenty-four? I’ve, uh, really matter as much
see you kids later. never dated someone after a certain point,
that much older than you know? I mean, it’s
It was nice me before... not like you’re jailbait
meeting you! or...something...

Steve was kicking my foot You’re...you’re

You sure seemed under the table. That’s his code signal not jailbait, right?
happy to be getting for “get out of here so I can get my
out of here. mack on, or bad things will happen.”

I don’t know where he

gets the scorpions or how Ummmm...
he gets them into my mattress, Not after next
but I’d rather not repeat Tuesday!
the experience.

He gets them from the same place Pintsize gets his novelty hats. Given the slow pace of the comic, Steve is probably STILL 24. It’s interesting how my
perspective on the characters has changed now that I’m older than all of them.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 225: Comin’ Home

Number  225:  Comin’  Home
Number  225:  Comin’  Home
Number 226: Impressionism 119
Number  226:  Impressionism
Well, we got you home Yep! I had fun
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Well, we got you home Yep! I had fun
in once piece. So, let’s talk
in once piece. tonight, Marten.
tonight, Marten.
about Faye.

I ah buh wha?

Heh, me too.
Heh, me too.

So, do you want to come

So, do you want to come
inside for a drink?
inside for a drink?
Oh come on, don’t
play dumb. How do you Well, uh, that’s
Uh I ah er uh...
Uh I ah er uh... feel about her? Give kind of a complicated
me all the gory details. question...

Oh don’t be so bashful,
Oh don’t be so bashful,
I promise my intentions
I promise my intentions “Durr, I really like her but she’s
are chaste. Come have
are chaste. Come have so alternately distant and friendly Uh...yeah,
some coffee before
some coffee before that I can’t decide whether she’s yeah it kinda does.
you walk home.
you walk home. worth pursuing durr!” Does that
sound about right to you?

You still look

You still look You know, it sounds
unhappy. What’s
unhappy. What’s really fuckin’ stupid when
the matter?
the matter? someone other than me
says it.

I think my brain is
I think my brain is
just trying to decide
just trying to decide
whether to be relieved
whether to be relieved
or disappointed in your
or disappointed in your
pure intentions.
pure intentions.

Honey, you’re a boy. It’s okay, sweetie.

Honey, you’re a boy.
That’s not your brain “Really fuckin’ stupid”
That’s not your brain
feeling disappointment. is still a lot better than
feeling disappointment.
most boys do when
talking about their
emotions!

Never, ever turn down free coffee from a lady. Marten’s dilemma is not difficult to summarize.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

120 Number 227: Scheming

Number  227:  Scheming
Number 228: Bras Are Weird to Draw
Number  228:  Bras  Are  Weird  To  Draw
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Number  228:  Bras  Are  Weird  To  Draw
I dunno. I can’t just decide That’s true. You can’t
I dunno.
not to likeIher
can’t just decide
because she’s That’signore
simply true. You
whatcan’t
your
So you like Faye not to like her or
because she’s simply
complicated whatever. heart isignore
trying what
to tellyour
you.
but don’t know whether Yeah, I guess so. complicated or whatever. heart is trying to tell you.
to pursue her, correct?

I don’t know if I should

justI don’t
force know if I should
the issue now and
just
findforce the issue
out what now is,
her deal and
find outitwhat
or play safeheranddeal is,
wait.
or play it safe and wait.

I kinda feel like she has some I honestly don’t think she’s
sort of issue from her past that I honestly
ready to owndon’t think
up to hershe’s
past.
prevents her from really opening ready
If to too
you’re ownpushy
up to her
she past.
might
up to people. If you’re tooout
freak pushy
and she
run.might
freak out and run.
Gee, ya think? So what do you
Saying Faye has issues think I should do? I think right now you should
is like saying Antarctica I think
just giveright now you
her more should
time. See if
is slightly chilly. justgets
she givemore
her more time. See
comfortable if
with
she and
you, getskeep
moreancomfortable
eye on yourwith
own
you, and keep
feelings, an eye
as they on change.
may your own
feelings, as they may change.

Well if you ask me, she does Dora, I can’t tell you No problem, honey. You’re being
have a bit of a thing for you, but Dora,
how muchI can’t tell you
I appreciate No problem,
honest honey.
with me, so I’mYou’re
beingbeing
honest
feels that she can’t act on it for how much
your I appreciate
advice. Thanks honest withLet’s
with you. me, so
be I’m beingokay?
friends, honest
whatever reasons are in her misguided your
so advice.
much Thanks
for listening with you. Let’s be friends, okay?
little head. You have to ask yourself somy
to much for listening
random whining.
whether she’s really worth all this to my random whining.
uncertainty and angst. There are
other girls out there, you know.

Are...are you trying What, doesn’t being

And, because I’m way You know, I really wish Are...are
to grab you trying
my ass? What,
your doesn’t
friend being
grant me
too honest for my own good, I were an emo kid right now. to grab my ass? your friend grant
ass-grabbing me
privileges?
I must inform you that my motives All this drama would make for ass-grabbing privileges?
in giving you this advice may not be an awesome LiveJournal.
entirely altruistic.

I still have a LiveJournal, actually. I just don’t use it anymore. Dora has a funny idea of what friendship entails.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 229: Awww

Number  229:  Awww
Number 230: ie-Dar  Is  Different  Than  LIDAR
Number  230:  LLie-Dar Is Different Than LIDAR 121
You should probably Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Number  229:  Awww So, uh... get on home before Faye Hey, I’m back.
starts to think we’re You’re home early.
You
getting should
our bone probably
on. Did Dora just pounce on you
So, uh... get on home before Faye early on or did you crash
starts to think we’re and burn?
getting our bone on.

Heh, right.

Heh, right.

Neither, really.
Thanks again, Dora.
After dinner we went
I had a fun night and
back to her place and
really appreciate your
hung out for a while.
advice. Thanks
See youagain, Dora.
around.
I had a fun night and It was fun.
really appreciate your
advice. See you around.
Oh was it?

Sure thing sweetie,

anytime. Nighty night!
Sure thing sweetie,
anytime. Nighty night!

Man, that girl is-

Man, that girl is-

Fun in the sense

-too nice that drinking coffee
for my own Goddamn and talking with a female
good. friend is fun, since
-too nice
for my own Goddamn that’s all we did.
good. Damn, either my lie-dar
isn’t working or Dora has been
replaced by her alternate universe
twin, who is also a nun.

An entire alternate
universe of nuns!
The Nuniverse! Quick,
get Stephen Baxter on the
phone, I have the idea
for his next book!

D’aww, poor Dora. I’m a big fan of Stephen Baxter’s stuff. Dude is possibly the most misanthropic sci-fi
novelist of all time.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

122 Number 231: That Darned Conscience

Number  231:  That  Darned  Conscience
Number  231:  That  Darned  Conscience
Number 232: Theology
Number  232:  Theology
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Why are you so
So you’re only Oh,
So
Soyou’re
you’reonly
only Oh,IIIgot
Oh, gotinto
got into
into shocked that Dora and I
seventeen
seventeen years
seventeenyears college
college early, ififthat’s
that’s
years collegeearly,
early,if that’s didn’t hook up, anyway?
old?
old? How did you-
old? How didyou-
How did what
what you were about
you- what you wereabout
you were about
to
to ask.
toask.
ask. When I was little, I was assured
that promiscuity was rampant up here
in the Godless North. Dora seems to
have defied the stereotype.

Oh
Ohman.
Oh man.Look,
man. Look,Ellen,
Look, Ellen,you’re
Ellen, you’re
you’re The “Godless North”? If there
aareally
really nice girl and You
Youwouldn’t
wouldn’thave
haveasked
a reallynice
nicegirl andIIIlike
girland like you
likeyou
you You wouldn’t have asked
asked even is a God, why would he or
aalot,
a lot, but if I had known you were me
me out,
meout, even
out,even though
eventhough you’re
thoughyou’re she or it shun the northern
lot, but if I had knownyou
but if I had known youwere
were you’re
that young I wouldn’t clearly attracted
attractedtotome?
that
thatyoung wouldn’thave-
youngIIwouldn’t have-
have- clearly
clearlyattracted to me?
me? portions of the United States?

It’s because of all the cold

and snow. God needs sunlight and
a semi-tropical environment in
which to do His mighty work!

Well,
Well, IIImean
Well, mean it’s
meanit’s
it’s God is a monitor lizard!
Tell
Tell me
Tellme one
meone thing.
onething.
thing.
not
not that
thatIIIdon’t,
notthat don’t, uh...
don’t,uh...
uh... He can’t spend half the year
If
IfIfIIIwere
wereeighteen
were eighteennow,
eighteen now,
now, Buh?
ififmy
if my birthday had been hibernating, He has too much
mybirthday
birthdayhad
hadbeen
been
last
last week instead of next to do. Therefore, He shuns the
lastweekweekinstead
insteadofofnext
next
week,
week, would you even care? North and its bitter winters.
week,wouldwouldyouyoueven
evencare?
care?
Would
Would my
my age
age even
even matter
matter
Would my age even matter
to
to you?
toyou?
you?

Well
Well yeah,
Wellyeah, but
yeah,but it’d
butit’d be
it’dbe aalot
bea lot
lot
easier
easier to ignore my conscience Honest,
Honest, sweet,
Honest,sweet, and
sweet,and
easierto
toignore
ignoremy
myconscience
conscience and
and
and kiss
kiss you
you right
right now.
now. intelligent,
intelligent, yet
intelligent,yet completely
yetcompletely
completely
and kiss you right now. Actually, my parents
crass
crass
crassatat the
atthe same
thesame time.
time.You
sametime. You
You Man, what kind of
weren’t very religious.
sure
sure
suredodo have
dohave aaway
havea way with
waywith
with fucked up Protestant
I just watched a lot of
the
the ladies.
theladies.
ladies. sect were you brought
nature shows during my
up in?
formative years.

I had a friend who got into college when she was 16. We corrupted her almost instantly. My father in law once unironically used the phrase “Godless North” to describe New
England. I thought this was HILARIOUS.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

  Number 233: A Narrative

Number  233:  A  Narrative Number 234: Cyber-Cyber Sex
Number  234:  Cyber-Cyber  Sex 123
Are you sad that you didn’t Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
get to play tongue judo with
Dora tonight?

Not really. I mean I had

fun hanging out with her, but
it was pretty obviously not
gonna happen.

That’s odd. I could have sworn Dora

wanted to mount you like a Harley and then
ride you like a stallion. I’m not usually
wrong about these things.

Normally I’d criticize your

mixing of metaphors, but that’s
pretty accurate, anatomically
speaking.

Maybe it’s some residual gothy

sad-mongering that’s affecting her
judgement. She could be pushing you
away because she likes being
miserable.

I dunno, that doesn’t

really sound like Dora
to me...

She’s at home listening to the

Red House Painters, gazing moodily
What are you doing
at her Morrissey poster and sighing.
in here, anyway?
Pop Tart crumbs litter her sheets.
Sad Pop Tart crumbs, crumbs of
loneliness and dejection.

Crashing and burning,

apparently. Could you, uh
leave me alone in here for
a little while? I need to
defragment myself now.

You know, the

s’mores flavored
Pop Tarts always did
taste a little morose
to me.

I don’t know how tongue judo would work but I definitely don’t want to see it in action. The chat window thing was a novel little idea
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

124 Number 235: Good Intentions

Number  235:  Good  Intentions Number 236:ike  A  Puppy  In  The  Rain
Number  236:  L Like a Puppy In the Rain
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Number  236:  Like  A  Puppy  In  The  Rain
I should probably Mm, yeah. It’s I should probably Okay, sleep well
get going. pretty late. get to bed.probably
I have an
I should Okay,then.
sleep well
early
get toshift
bed.tomorrow.
I have an then.
early shift tomorrow.

I‘m sorry I didn’t bring

Look, I- up my age sooner, Steve.
I didn’t mean to make things Are you sure you’re Yeah, I’m okay.
all awkward for you. I’m not
Arebummed out
you sure about
you’re Thanks
Yeah, for caring.
I’m okay.
really sorry. tonight?
not bummed out about Thanks for caring.
tonight?

No no, it’s okay. I just You know, you’re a really nice

need a couple days to I‘d like
fellow, Marten.
You know, Youamay
you’re notnice
really have Heh, you think?
get this sorted out in my that too.
gotten
fellow, smooches
Marten. You tonight,
may not but
have Heh, you think?
head, you know? I like I’m suresmooches
you will attonight,
some point.
gotten but
you a lot, Ellen, and I’d
I’m sure you will at some point.
also like to see you again
if possible.

So can I kiss you goodnight,

or would that be weird? Of course! You’re so
Gee, thanks.
pathetic,
Of course!some girlso
You’re is
I think as long as I don’t bound to take pitygirl
on isyou Gee, thanks.
pathetic, some
grab your butt it’s okay. eventually!
bound to take pity on you
It’s probably better
eventually!
that you didn’t, anyway.
Chinese food makes
me gassy.

Aw yeah more fart jokes wooooo Patheticity (is that a word?) is not the best way to go about acquiring kisses, unless
you’re a puppy or a kitten or something.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 237: Frida Was Not a Blonde

Number  237:  Frida  Was  Not  Blonde Number 238: Aliens Shot JFK
Number  238:  Aliens  Shot  JFK
Number  238:  Aliens  Shot  JFK 125
There’s
There’s no
Number
no way
way you’re
you’re
Twenty-six: Dress
II am. Codeis aa last
am. “Bianchi”
“Bianchi” is last
actually
actually aa blonde.
blonde. II thought
thought name
name often
often given
given toto people
people
you
you said
said you
you were
were Italian!
Italian! with
with light
light hair
hair or
or fair
fair skin.
skin.
It
It runs
runs in
in the
the family.
family.

Well well, look who finally Duh,

discovered polychromatic Duh, dummy.
dummy. II was
was
Why
Why on
on earth
earth doing
doing the
the whole
whole goth
goth thing,
thing,
clothing! One date with an would
would you
you dye
dye such
such remember?
remember? Besides,
Besides, II like
like
indie boy and all of a sudden aa pretty
pretty color
color black?
black? having
having black
black hair.
hair.
you’re out of the mourning It
garb, eh? It suits
suits me.
me.

What, am I not allowed

to dress a little differently
if I feel like it?

It looks nice on you, it’s just The

It’s not. I’m actually The things
things some
some people
people
a rather drastic change. Like if will
a platinum blonde. will do
do in
in order
order to
to look
look morose.
morose.
black weren’t your natural Speaking
Speaking of of morosity,
morosity, what
what
hair color or something. happened
happened with with you
you and
and Marten
Marten
last
last night?
night? II thought
thought hehe was
was
the
the catnip
catnip toto your
your pussy-cat.
pussy-cat.

II like
like the
the crude
crude metaphor,
metaphor,
but
but it it was
was aa just-friends
just-friends
date,
date, not not an
an “OMIGOD
“OMIGOD LET’S
LET’S
MAKE
MAKE OUT”OUT” date.
date. He
He was
was aa
perfect
perfect gentleman
gentleman andand II
had
had aa very
very nice
nice time.
time.

If you’re a platinum Your

Your story
story corroborates
corroborates Oh
Oh no.
no. You’ve
You’ve seen
seen through
through
blonde, I’m Frida Kahlo. Marten’s.
Marten’s. I’m
I’m impressed
impressed at
at our
our conspiracy.
conspiracy. Whatever
Whatever
how
how well-rehearsed
well-rehearsed youyou two
two are
are we
we to
to do.
do.
got
got on
on such
such short
short notice.
notice.

I like what you’ve done

with your eyebrow, Frida.
Could you tell your husband
to stop hitting on me behind
your back?

More art history jokes! To this day, Dora still hasn’t gone full blonde. I tried for a while but it just
didn’t feel natural for her.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

126 Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa

Number  240:  Ursa  Ursa  Ursa

So back in high school

you were a blonde chick
who wore colorful clothing?
My mind, she is blown.

Well, people change, you

know? I bet you were a
pretty different person
back in the nineties too.

The nineties were a strange

time. People thought things like
trip-hop, AOL, and that guy from
the Prodigy were good ideas.

And in this decade we’ve had

rap-metal, AOL/Time Warner,
and those walking Hot Topic
billboards in Good Charlotte. Our
culture doesn’t get smarter,
it just finds new ways of
being retarded.

Who do you think would win

Neither! Halfway through the battle,
in a gladiator battle, the ridiculous-
we would release bears into the arena
looking idiots from the Prodigy, or to devour all of them!
the ridiculous-looking idiots from
Good Charlotte?

Yes! Rampaging bears are the

answer to all of our cultural
missteps!

Exactly. Paris Hilton? Bear

attack. Emo? Bear attack.
Reality television? Bear attack.
Ann Coulter? Two bear attacks
and a swarm of angry locusts.

It would be pretty creepy if in the time between this comic going online and the publi-
cation of this book, Paris Hilton had been killed by a bear.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 241: Stryper Was Worse

Number  241:  Stryper  Was  Worse
Number 242: They Need a Bookshelf In There 127
Number  242:  They  Need  A  Bookshelf  In  There
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
KNOCK Be right back, I
gotta use the ladies’

KNOCK room.

KNOCK
You always take forever
in there. Do you need more
fiber in your diet? Eat a bran
muffin or something.

No way, this is when

I get my best reading
done.

Oh hey Steve, what’s up?

How did the rest of the Hello, what can I
date go last night? get you today?

Could I have a
double chocolate
mocha?

It went well.
Almost too well,
actually.

How so?
Are you sure? I used
to be a size two until I
had one. Now look at
She’s only my belly.
seventeen.

Hehehe, I just
crave chocolate
when I’m stressed.

“Daddy says she’s too

young but she’s old enough
for me”, eh? Are you here for Hey, does a girl If by “work” you mean Hey, I heard that!
advice or to hide from the named Dora work here “stink up the bathroom with No discussing my
police? by any chance? both gases and Anne Rice bodily functions
novels”, then yes. with the customers!
How old was Kip
Winger when he
wrote that song,
anyway? Creepy.

I‘m sure as hell not here

for Winger references and
sarcasm, assface.

Seriously, that is a creepy goddamned song. QC Volume 1 Drinking Game: every time there is a fart joke, take a shot. You’ll
probably be extremely drunk by this point.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

128 Number 243: Hit the Showers

Number  243:  Hit  The  Showers Number 244: Mating Habits of the Moray Eel
Number  244:  Mating  Habits  Of  The  Moray  Eel
Number Twenty-six: DressSoCode
what brings you
Look honey, I don’t know
here this morning, Ellen?
what you’re hoping to hear,
I dunno, I guess I’m just but it doesn’t seem like there’s
looking for some advice. Last much you can do in this
night didn’t exactly end situation.
optimally.

I know, I know.
“Optimally” being your hoo-ha It just sucks, that’s
making friends with Steve’s all.
wing-wong?

No, not really. See, I didn't mention it at dinner Maybe a little creative thinking
will help you come up with a solution. If I were an eel I’d just
but I'm almost 18 and the age difference seemed to freak
You study eels at school, right? Think lunge at him from within my
Steve out a little. He said he wanted to see me again, but
like one! What would a moray eel do lair, seize him in my jaws and
it was all awkward.
in this situation? pull him back inside to be
devoured whole.

Aww, that is sad!

No hoo-ha-in’ or wing-wongin’
at all last night?

Why not just get together anyway?

I mean, who cares about a few years’
age difference?
Devour him whole, huh?
Well that’s how I feel, I was never much good at that,
but I’m not sure that Steve my gag reflex is too-
agrees. I’m just not sure
what to do.

Man, nobody got laid last night.

I didn’t even get it on with the
shower massage while Marten
was out of the apartment!
I‘m just wondering how
many shifts you’d be willing
What? A lady to cover for me in exchange for Ow! What was That is not the sort
has her needs! me not telling Marten about what that for?! of enlightenment I was
you do in the shower when aiming for with this
he’s not around. Also, have you seen their
parable. teeth? A boy-moray would never
let a girl-moray’s mouth anywhere
near his private parts.

I should just date a

shower massage. They
don’t care about age.

What happens in the shower stays in the shower. Jeez, Faye, you were the one who was just talking about diddling yourself in the
shower! Lighten up!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 245: Eclipsed By Their Own Sound

Number  245:  Eclipsed  By  Their  Own  Sound
Number 246:Fripp and Eno
Number  246:  Fripp  And  Eno 129
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
So you’re into Is that a band? I just borrowed this I just don’t think it’s
Helmet, eh? shirt from my roommate, I don’t really that big a deal, dude.
know who that is. If you like Ellen that much,
just go out with her.

Gimme gimme!
I wanna do it myself!

Are you sure?

It’s not creepy
that she’s way
younger than I
am and stuff?

You don’t know who Helmet are? Look at it this way- you've got the potential for a relationship
Oh man. They were this awesome metal with this girl who you think is pretty rad, but there's this one little
band back in the nineties. They just put roadblock in the way. Why let it stop you?
out their first new record in years.

Point taken.
I heard a song from it
on the radio the other day.
It sounded really...
generic.

I just feel like people would be

Helmet sound generic to you?
so much happier if they just dropped
What kind of crazy hipster-crack
all the pretense and mindgame bullshit
have you been smoking?
in relationships and just went for it,
you know? Like “fuck it, I’m gonna
try and make this work and not worry
about potential problems.”

Whee!
I love this stuff.

Well I’m sure they sounded

awesome and unique ten years
ago, but now it’s like every band
on the radio has the same distorted
guitars and chugga-chugga rhythms
in their songs. They just don’t
stand out anymore.

Helmet have been gentrified.

Good Lord do I ever feel old right now.
So are you going to practice Hey, I’m 0 for 1 when it comes
Page Hamilton should have to write what you’re preaching and stop to practicing what I preach. These
Oh, so he’s to blame
“sorry for inspiring all these crappy pussyfooting around with Faye? feet stay pussied for the time being.
for Slipknot? Man,
nu-metal bands” one hundred times
what a jerk.
on a blackboard. He needs to learn
his lesson!

These pipes
are cleeeean!

Man, poor Helmet. They really didn’t age very well. Hahaha I had forgotten about this strip and Pintsize in the last panel is cracking me
up hahahaha
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

130 Number 247: Insults and Five Dollars

Number  247:  Insults  Cost  Five  Dollars Number 248: Hoodie Stench
Numebr  248:  Hoodie  Stench
Number Twenty-six: DressI‘mCode
Now, repeat my advice supposed to give
back to me so we’re Steve some space, let him Good girl! A Ugh, I thought I’d
sure you heard it come to terms with the mynah bird couldn’t never get all that eel slime
correctly. situation, and take things have done better. off those Rorschach blots.
slow from there.

I am, Natasha, because it was

Okay, I’d better head off
Nice meeting the only non-stinky shirt left in the
to class now. Thanks for the Hey, you’re wearing
you, Ellen! apartment. Why don’t you just do
advice, Dora, and it was nice my Helmet shirt. the laundry like you keep
meeting you, Faye.
saying you will?

The stink keeps boys

She’s a nice kid, No no, you were fine. She needed straight away at shows. Except for
but kinda ditzy. I wasn’t being answers and firm advice, not wiggly And by that you mean
the vegan dudes. They like
too rough on her, was I? half-truths and squishy suggestions. “malodorous and hairy”?
their girls “all natural.”

Heh, that reminds me

I haven’t shaved my legs
in like a week.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell I‘m glad to hear your quest

if I’m doing the whole tough love to become completely unattractive Being filthy is
thing or just being mean. is going so well. All you need now is way hardcore.
a good case of head lice.
You’ll be all set.

Misanthropy is a perfectly
acceptable personality trait
in both goth and indie-rock
culture. Why, I bet you could
get people to pay you for
sneering at them!

Well I do run a coffee shop.

That’s basically what our
customers are paying for
anyway.

Later on we would find out that some of them are quite literally paying to be sassed. It’s actually more of a crust-punk thing, but whatever.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 249: Like The Beatles Only More Violent Number 250: I’d
Number  250:  I’ Have Stabbed Her
d  Have  Stabbed  Her
Number  250:  I’d  Have  Stabbed  Her
131
Number  249:  L
Number  249:  L
Number  249:  L
ike  The  Beatles  Only  More  Violent
ike  The  Beatles  Only  More  Violent
ike  The  Beatles  Only  More  Violent
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
So
Sohow
how
So how
was
waswas
the
thedate
the
date
date What a boring
What day.
a boring day. Yeah, where is Marten
Yeah, where is Marten
last
lastlast
night?
night?
night? Barely anyany
Barely customers
customers anyway? Usually he’she’s
in here
anyway? Usually in here
andand
no Marten around
no Marten around likelike
clockwork.
clockwork.
to pester.
to pester.

It
Itwent
went
It went
well,
well,
well,
until
until
until
hehefound
found
he found
out
outthat
out
thatthat
I’m
I’m I’m
like
likesix
like
sixyears
six
years
years
younger
younger
younger
than
thanthan
him.
him.him.

Were
WereWere
his
hispants
his
pants
pants
on
on on Maybe he feels What?! WhyWhy
thethe
hellhell
Maybe he feels What?!
or
oroff
off
or at
off
atthis
this
at this
point?
point?
point? would he be
awkward around
awkward youyou
around now.
now. would he weirded
be weirded
Maybe youyou
weirded himhim out?out?
Maybe weirded
outout
lastlast
night.
night.

On,
On,you
On,
youpervert.
you
pervert.
pervert.
Anyway
Anyway
Anyway
IItalked
talked
I talked
to
tohis
his
to his
friends
friends
friends
today
todaytoday
and
andand
they
they
they
said
saidsaid
IIshould
should
I should
give
givegive
him
himsome
him
some
some
space
space
space
and
andand
he’ll
he’llhe’ll
come
come come
around.
around.
around.

Hmph. I didn’t
Hmph. weird
I didn’t himhim
weird out.out.
Well
WellWell
that’s
that’s
that’s
good,
good,
good,
right?
right?
right? Settle down,
Settle bony-butt.
down, bony-butt. That’s a stupid
That’s thing
a stupid to to
thing
IImean,
mean,
I mean,
this’d
this’d
this’d
bebeyour
your
be your
first
first
first I was onlyonly
I was speculating.
speculating. speculate about.
speculate about.
boyfriend
boyfriend
boyfriend
ininaain
while.
while.
a while.

Assuming
Assuming
Assuming everything
everything
everything
works
works out,out,
works
out, yes.
yes. HowHow
yes.
How waswas
was
theshow
the show
the showyouwent
you went
you to to
went
to
lastlast
last night?
night?
night?

Itwas
It was AWESOME!
AWESOME!
It was AWESOME! Thelead
The leadlead
The ButBut
nownow
that I’veI’ve
planted thethe YouYou
evilevil
little bitch.
little bitch.
that planted
guitarist
guitarist from
guitarist
from GodGod
from
God Forbid
Forbid
Forbidbled
bled bled seed of doubt in your head, What did did
What I doI to
do to
seed of doubt in your head,
onme!
on me! Ialmost
almost
on Ime! fainted,
I almost
fainted, ititwas
fainted, was
it was youyou
won’t be able to stop deserve this?
deserve this?
won’t be able to stop
sofuckin’
so fuckin’ rad.rad.
so fuckin’
rad. worrying about
worrying it, will
about you.you.
it, will

Remember
Remember that dayday
that
when youyou
when played nothing
played nothing
butbut
techno remixes
techno remixes of of
Right,
Right, because
Right,
because
because getting
getting
getting old old
JoyJoyDivision songs
Division songs
bled ononby
bledbled onaaby
by strange
strange
a strangeman
manman with
withwith for for
eight hours? Now
aapointy
eight hours? Now
pointy guitar
a pointy
guitar isissomething
guitar something
is something that
that that we’re even.
every
every girl
girlneeds
every girl
needs to
needstoexperience
experience
to experience we’re even.
at
atleast
least once
at least
once ininher
once in life.
her her
life.life.

God Forbid are still around, amazingly. There’s nothing wrong with a good Joy Division remix.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number  251:  Hypno-Girl

132 Number 251: The Hypno-Girl Number 252: I Guess Their Not Very Good
Ah, there you are. Number  252:  I  Guess  They’re  Not  Very  Good
Number Twenty-six: DressWe
Code
were wondering
where you’d been
all day. So the guy at the register is all
“Slint? Who are they?” and I’m like
“you don’t know who Slint are?!”
Oh man, did the manager
fire him right there on the
spot? That sort of ignorance
warrants unemployment!

Hey Faye. I hung out

with Steve for a while
and then went CD
shopping.

Thank God someone else is here

to occupy this two-year-old. She’s
been pestering me all afternoon. So then I....
holy shit, what the
hell is she doing here?!
Hm?

Not “pestering” so
much as “playing off
your insecurities and
tendency to worry.”

Oh Marten, she’s been mean like

that all day. You don’t think that’s
okay, do you?
That’s my ex. The one who Ohhh. Are you going to go
Hey, what’re you doing dumped me when I moved out over and say hello?
I uh...no, Faye you should to him? Stop that! here, remember?
be nicer to Dora...buh....

Oh hell no.
Maybe if I keep
my back turned she’ll
leave without noticing
me.

Using your feminine wiles

to get him on your side, eh?
Cute, pouty girl... Touche, touche. What’s going on over here?
in close proximity... I hear agitated Marten-noises.
Damn straight. Now go get
brain...melted...
a bucket, he’s going to be
bluh....
drooling for the next
hour or so.

You know
that girl you just
served? She’s
the devil.

What, because she

ordered a latte?

She’d have to be, to

enjoy your lattes.

If that’s all it takes to melt Marten’s brain, heaven forbid he ever get a blowjob. That’s a pretty good zinger there in the last panel, if I do say so myself.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 253: The Old Guys From the Muppets

Number  253:  The  Old  Guys  From  The  Muppets
Number  254:  ACRONYM
Number 254: ACRONYM
Number  254:  ACRONYM
Number  254:  ACRONYM 133
Number  254:  ACRONYM
Number Twenty-six: DressSnrk...yeah,
Code
Snrk...yeah,
Snrk...yeah,
Are you two we’re done.
Why are you so freaked You only ever told me Are you two we’re
we’redone.
done.
Snrk...yeah,
Are
done you two
giggling?
out by your ex being here? the truncated version. done
donegiggling?
Are giggling?
you two we’re done.
I dunno, it’s a long
I want the details! done giggling?
story. Lots of painful
memories, that sort
of thing.

Hee hee!
Hee hee!
Hee hee!
Hee hee!

Anyway...So Vicky keeps talking about moving

Anyway...So
back up here Vicky
Anyway...So after keeps
Vicky keeps
school.talking
talking
And I'mabout
about
all "somoving
moving
I guess
back
we'llback upthe
uphere
here
Anyway...So
do after
after school.
Vicky
long-distance keepsAnd
school. And
thing I'm
I'm
talking
for aallwhile
"so
all
about Ithen,
"so guess
I guess
movinghuh?"
we'll
we'll
And doshe's
do
back theuplong-distance
the long-distance
here
quiet after thing
thing
school.
for a couple for
for
And aI'm
minutes, while
a while
all
and then,
"sothen,huh?"
huh?"
I guess
then goes
And
we'llshe's
And she's
do quiet
thequiet
"yeah...I for a couple
for a couple
long-distance
guess..." and minutes,
minutes,
thing
sortfor and
ofalooks
whilethen
andaway.
then goes
then, goes
huh?"
And"yeah...I
"yeah...I
she's guess..."
quietguess..."and
and
for a couplesort
sortofoflooks
minutes, looks
and away.
away.
then goes
"yeah...I guess..." and sort of looks away.

Ooh, bad sign.

Ooh,
Ooh,bad sign.
bad sign.
Ooh, bad sign.

Well okay, I’ll try to keep it short. Vicky and I met

during my last semester in college. A friend introduced
us and it was like bam, all of a sudden we were retarded
for each other. Those first two months were awesome.

Yeah, I mean I knew something wasn’t

As graduation got closer, Vicky started Yeah, I mean I knew something wasn’t HRP? What’s that?
right Yeah,
at theI mean
time, Itoo.
knewButsomething
I couldn’twasn’t
really put HRP? What’s that?
talking about how she wanted to move right at the HRP? What’s that?
right
my at
Yeah,
finger the
onItime,
time,
mean
what too. But
too.
Iexactly
knew Isomething
But couldn’t
was really
I couldn’t
amiss, so Iput
really
wasn’t put
just
back here when school ended. We- mymyfinger HRP? What’s that?
right aton
finger
chalked on
the
it what
up toexactly
what
time, exactly
HRPtoo. was
But
and was amiss,
toso
amiss,
I couldn’t
tried not I just
so
reallyI just
worry. put
chalked
chalked
my it up
finger it
onup to HRP
to HRP
what and tried
and tried
exactly not
was notto worry.
to
amiss, worry.
so I just
Wait, where did the two of chalked it up to HRP and tried not to worry.
you go to school?

The other side of the

country, in California.
That’s where I’m originally “Happy Relationship Paranoia”. It’s
from. “Happy
“Happy
when Relationship
Relationship
you’re Paranoia”.
in a great Paranoia”. It’s
It’s
relationship
when
when you’re
“Happy
but you’re
can’t in in
a worrying
agreat
Relationship
stop great relationship
relationship
Paranoia”. It’s
that you’ll
butbutcan’t
when can’t
fuck stop
upstop
you’re
it worrying
worrying
orinthat
a great that you’ll
that end
you’ll
relationship
it’s gonna
fuck
fuck
but it it
upup
can’t ororthat
stop thatit’s gonna
it’s
worrying
somehow. gonnaend
that end
you’ll
fuck it upsomehow.
somehow.
or that it’s gonna end
Wait, you're a California boy? Psht, that’s not bad, everyone gets
somehow.
Psht,
that atthat’s
Psht, that’s
some not bad,
not
point. bad,everyone
Here everyonegets
gets it
I was worried
Do you miss your surfboard? that at some point.
that
stood at
Psht,
forsome
that’s
“Hateful, notHere
point. Here
bad,I everyone
Rampagingwas
I wasworried
getsitor
worried
Parents” it
Or your irritatingly nonchalant, stood
thatfor
stood
“Hormonal for
at “Hateful,
“Hateful,
some
Regulation Rampaging
point.Rampaging Parents”
Here I was
Problems” Parents”
or oror
worried
something. it
flaky attitude? “Hormonal Regulation Problems” or something.
“Hormonal
stood for Regulation
“Hateful, Problems”
Rampagingor something.
Parents” or
Does going into a Pacific Sunwear “Herpes“Hormonal
Results: Regulation Problems” or something.
fill you with nostalgia? Ooh ooh, say “Herpes
“Herpes
Positive!” Results:
Results:
Oh noes!
"nah brah" for me! Please, just once? Positive!”
“HerpesOh
Positive!” Ohnoes!
noes!
Results:
Positive!” Oh noes!

Oh man don’t even joke

OhOh
about man
man don’t
herpes. don’teven
Theeven joke
first joke
time
about
about
Vicky herpes.
Oh
andherpes.
manI got The
The
don’t first
even
naked, first time
time
joke
she had
I swear, it’s like Vicky
Vicky and
aabout and
pimple I got
herpes.
near naked,
I gothernaked,
The she
firstshe
lady-parts had
had
time
I’m telling my life story a Vicky
pimple
a pimple
from near
and near her
I got
shaving her
andlady-parts
lady-parts
naked, she had
I literally
to Statler and Waldorf. from
afromshaving
shaving
pimple
catapulted near andandI literally
herof
out Ithe
literally
lady-parts
bed
catapulted
catapulted
from in out
shaving outofof
and
terror. the
Ithe bedbed
literally
in in
catapulted terror.
terror.
out of the bed
in terror.

The soft focus flashback was an interesting experiment. I made better use of it later Marten’s anecdote in panel 4 MIGHT be based on something that actually happened
around comic 500. to me once. MAYBE.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

134 Number 255: Brainstorming

Number  255:  Brainstorming
Number 256: Sad Guitar
Number  256:  Sad  Guitar
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
So what did Vicky think
of you moving up here with her?

So anyway, things just got worse and worse.

We spent as much time together moping as anything else.
I think the day we actually started packing up her stuff She was a little uncomfortable with it,
was the hardest. I think. She felt like she was forcing me to give up
my life or something just to be with her. Which wasn't
really the case- I mean other than my parents I didn't
really have much tying me to California.
If it was so depressing for both
of you, why did she leave? Why not just My parents freaked out, of
stay in California with you? course. They didn’t want me moving
across the country just for some Silly parents and their
girl I’d been dating for a couple “but you can’t move hundreds
months. and hundreds of miles away!”
protestations.

She said she needed to be

closer to her friends and family
and stuff. It seemed like a big deal
to her so I didn't really question it.

I kept mentioning that we could just try the

long-distance thing for a while, but she eventually broke So anyway, I sold most of my stuff to
down and said she didn't think it would work, the distance pay for the plane tickets, and hit up a
was just too much for her to handle. classmate of mine for some temporary
lodging while I looked for a job
and a place of my own.

Oh no! So is that when you

hatched your plan to move
up here with her?

No, that was when I developed a

taste for hard liquor. The plan to move Life-altering decisions should
up here was hatched later, during a Why didn’t you just move
never be made while drunk, dummy. in with Vicky? Wouldn’t that
brainstorming session involving
myself and a bottle of scotch. have been simpler?

She was living with her parents,

Wait, you mean David Lee Roth?
who weren’t too keen on letting some
What has he got to do with this?
dude from California sleep on their
couch and bang their daughter while
they were at work.

Oh, tell me about it. Those

damn nipple piercings took
a week to heal back up.

Actually I’m pretty sure nipple piercings close up a lot faster than that. Marten’s “sad guitar” would eventually become one of my longest-selling t-shirt
designs.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Number 258: It Does A Body Good
Number 258: It Does A Body Good
Number 257: A Brief Chat
Number  257:  A  Brief  Chat Number258:
Number 258:It ItDoes
DoesAA Body
Body Good
Good
Hi there! 135
Hi there! Um, hi.
Number  257:  A  Brief  Chat How did things go once Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Hi there! Um, hi.
you were all set up out here? Um, hi.
How did things go once
Well, things started off good. Gradually, though,
you were she started
all set up out here?
having less and less time to spend with me. She didn't call anymore.
If Ithings
Well, wanted to seeoff
started hergood.
I basically had to
Gradually, trackshe
though, herstarted
down
and less
having triple-check
and lessto make
time sure we
to spend hadme.
with a date set tocall
She didn't hang out.
anymore.
If I wanted to see her I basically had to track her down
and triple-check to make sure we had a date set to hang out.

Enjoying your Uh yeah, it’s

Man, that’s not cool latte?
Enjoying your really
Uh yeah,good.
it’s
at all. latte? your
Enjoying really good.it’s
Uh yeah,
Man, that’s not cool latte? really good.
at all. Yeah, it really threw me for a loop, you know?
I tried asking her what was up but she kept
shrugging it off.threw
Yeah, it really She just
mehad
for so muchyou
a loop, work to do,
know?
I triedor was too
asking her tired, or something.
what was up but she kept
shrugging it off. She just had so much work to do,
or was too tired, or something.

I'll never forget the night she finally told me.

I had left her like six messages that week, and she eventually Are you sure?
called me back Because it looks
Are you sure?
I'lland saidforget
never "I can't
thedonight
this she
anymore.
finallyI've
toldmoved
me. on, Marten.
to me...
Because
Are it looks
you sure?
I had leftPlease don't
her like call me again."
six messages thatThen
week,she hung
and sheup.
eventually
called me back and said "I can't do this anymore. I've moved on, Marten. to me...it looks
Because
Please don't call me again." Then she hung up. to me...

That was the last time

I ever spoke to her.
That was the last time
I ever spoke to her.

Uh, Faye? Where

are you going?
Uh, Faye? Where ...like it needs some more MILK!
Oh, just to have aare
short
you going? ...like it needs some more MILK!
chat with your ex-lady-friend
over there. ...like it needs some more MILK!
Oh, just to have a short
chat with your ex-lady-friend
over there.

Remember the rules, Faye.

No murdering customers in the
store. The back
Remember alley exists
the rules, Faye.
for acustomers
No murdering reason. in the
store. The back alley exists
for a reason.

I pull a fair bit of the things that happen to Marten from my own life. Long, drawn- Looking back, Faye’s response seems kind of over-the-top, and not in a good way. Isn’t this
out breakups really suck. kind of assault?
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

136 Number 259: Another Kind of Ninja Number 260: Friends With Benefits
Number 260: Friends With Benefits
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Oh that
Oh man man that felt good.
felt good. NormallyNormally
that that
wouldwouldbe be
DidOh
you
Oh Did
man you
see
man see
her
that
that hergood.
run
felt
felt run out?
out?
good. grounds for your firing,
grounds
Normally
Normally for your
that
that firing,
would
would be
be
Hah! Uh, yeah. Is Ellen
Did
Did you Hah!
you see
see her
her run
run out?
out? inbut
butgrounds in case
this
grounds this
for case
for I think
your
your Ifiring,
think
your your
firing, Can I help you?
Hah!
Hah! actions were justifiable. here?
actions
but
but in were
in this
this case
casejustifiable.
II think
think your
your
actions
actions were
were justifiable.
justifiable.

Oh no, OhI no,

justI realized.
just realized. No no,Noit’s
no,fine.
it’s fine.
Marten,
Marten,
Oh
Oh were
no,
no, were
II justyou
just you planning
planning
realized.
realized. NoIno,
I don’t
No don’t
it’sreally
really
no, it’s fine. need
need
fine. Yeah, she’s back Yep, that’s me.
to
toMarten, confront
confront
Marten, wereher?
were her? I Did
justI just
Didplanning
you
you planning IIany any
closure
don’t
don’t closure
really
really needor
or
need in her room. Are You must be Natasha.
to deny deny
to confrontyou her?
confront you closure?
closure?
her? Did
Did II just
just whatever.
whatever.
any
any closure
closure or or you Steve?
deny
deny youyou closure?
closure? whatever.
whatever.

WhenWhen youright
you get get right
downdown to it,to wasit, it
was it really
really
even that big a deal? AI girl I dating
was What? No, I’m Ellen’s
evenWhen
thatyou
When big get
you a
getdeal?
right
rightA down
girl
down was
to
to it,
it, wasdating
was itdecided
it really
reallydecided
she lover Rachel. Didn’t she
thatdidn’t
she didn’t
even
even that want
big
big want
to see
aa deal?
deal? to seeanymore
me
AA girl
girl II me
was
was anymore
for some
dating
dating for some
decided
decided
reason. That happens to people all the time, tell you about our open
reason.
she That
she didn’t
didn’t happens
want
want to
to see
seetome
mepeople
anymoreall the
anymore for
fortime,
some
some
you relationship policy?
reason.
reason. That you know?
That happens
happens toknow?
to people
people allall the
the time,
time,
you
you know?
know?

The pointThe point is, I tried

is, I tried my best.
my best. I tookI a took
big a big
Thestupid
stupid
The risk because
point
point risk
is,
is, because
II tried
triedI my
was I in
was
my best.
best. loveIIintook
loveaaher
with
took with
big her
big
itand
andstupid
stupid it
didn’t didn’t
risk
riskwork work
because Iout,
out, but
because but
I’ll
I was
was in I’ll
always
in love
love always be able
be able
with
with her
her
to it
and
and lookto look
backwork
it didn’t
didn’t back and
and out,
work say say
out,“at “at
butleast
but I’ll least
I’ll always
always I
I tried.”tried.”
be
be able
able
That’s
to
to look
lookThat’s
back really
really
back allclosure
all the
and
and say
say theleast
“at
“at closure
least I need. I need.
II tried.”
tried.”
That’s
That’s really
really all
all the
the closure
closure II need.
need.

And IAndhaveI have to admit,

to admit,
seeing
seeing herhit
herIIget
And
And have
have get hit
theinface
toinadmit,
to admit, the face
with with
a
seeing a gallon
gallon
seeing her
her of
get ofwas
milk
get hit
hit milk
in was pretty
pretty
in the
the face
face Okay I’m pretty sure you’re
goddamned
goddamned
with
with aa gallon gratifying.
ofgratifying.
gallon of milk
milk was
was pretty
pretty just messing with me, but on the off
goddamned
goddamned gratifying.
gratifying. chance that you’re not, can I watch
you two make out?

I am Ia am a
That a
That was was$60a $60 milkaaninja!
milkII ninja!
am
am
sweater,
sweater,
That
That too.
was
was too.
$60 Good
aa Good
$60 milk
milk ninja!
ninja!
going, Faye.
sweater,
sweater,going,
too. Faye.
too. Good
Good
going,
going, Faye.
Faye.
Boy, Ellen sure does
know how to pick her
guys, doesn’t she.

Oh, schadenfreude. Steve is very open-minded.

 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Numb261:
Number er  241 :  Stryp
Hard er  ofWaLove
Sci-Fi Number  262:  Slightly  Above  Average
Number 262: Slightly Above Average 137
s  Worse Number  262:  Slightly  Above  Average
Number  262:  Slightly  Above  Average
Number  262:  Slightly  Above  Average

KNOCK Yes? better

better
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Whoo...okay, we’d
Whoo...okay,
Whoo...okay,
Whoo...okay,
notnot
getget
we’dwe’d
we’d
not get carried
carried Heh yeah,

KNOCK
better
better
away with not get carried
carried
ourselves HehHeh
yeah,
Heh yeah,
yeah,
away with ourselves you’re probably
away
away with
with
just ourselves
ourselves
yet. you’re probably
you’re
you’re probably
probably
justjust
yet.yet. right.
just yet. right.
right.
right.

KNOCK

Besides, I’ve never really... What? You’re

Besides, I’veI’ve
Besides,
Besides, never
I’ve really...
never
never really... What? You’re
What? You’re
gone all the way, youreally...
know? What? You’re
a virgin?
Steve! gone all the
gone
gone all way,
all the
the youyou
way,
way, know?
you know?
know? a virgin?
aa virgin?
virgin?

Hey Ellen.
Oh hey Steve, what’s up?
How did the rest
of the
date go last nig
ht?

Well I haven’t really dated

WellWell
I haven’t
Well really
II haven’t
haven’t dated
really
really dated
What are you that many boys, so it dated
never
that many
that
that manyboys,
many so it
boys,
boys, sonever
so it never
it never
doing here? quite went that far.
quite went
quite that
went far.
that
quite went that far. far.

It went well. Just how inexperienced

Well, I wanted to stop by and apologize JustJust
howhowinexperienced
inexperienced
Almost too well, are Just
you? how inexperienced
I mean, you know how
for being all weirded out last night. I gave it areare
you?
are I mean,
you?
you? youyou
II mean,
mean, know
you howhow
know
know
act ualthought
ly. the different parts fit how
some today and I don’t see why you thethe
different
thetogether, parts
different
different fit fit
parts
parts
right? fit
being younger is really a problem at – together, right?
together,
together, right?
right?

How so?

She’s only
seventeen.

I‘m not that naive!

I‘mI‘m
notnot
I‘m that
not naive!
that
that naive!
naive!
I’ve seen porn, I know
I’veI’ve
seen
I’ve porn,
seen
seen I know
porn, II know
know
how itporn,
works.
howhowit works.
how it works.
it works.

So the only males you have to

You might wanna loosen up So the
So onlyonly
So the
the males
only males
males youyou have
you to to
have
have to
compare with me in terms of size
Hurrk…can’t…breathe… your grip there honey. It’ll compare
compare
compare with me me
with
with
are porn
in
meterms
actors. in terms
in of size
terms of size
of
Great. size
be hard to make out with areareporn
are actors.
porn
porn actors.
actors. Great.
Great.
Great.
him if his head pops off. Oh, it’s unusual for boys
Oh,Oh,
it’sit’s
unusual forforboys
Heee! toOh,
beit’s unusual
unusual
that...large? for boys
boys
Phew!
to be
to
to that...large?
be that...large?
be that...large? Phew! Phew!
Those ladies lookedPhew! like
Those ladies
Those looked likelike
they were in pain! like
Those ladies
ladies looked
looked
they were
they
they in pain!
were
were in pain!
in pain!

“Daddy says she

’s too
young but she’s
old enough
for me”, eh? Are
you here for
advice or to hide
from the
police?

How old was Kip

Winger when he
wrote that song,
anyway? Creepy
.

I dunno, you I‘m surejust

could as pick it up
hell not heror
e something. “I was WONDERING how you kept it from flopping out the bottom of your pant leg!”
for Winger refere
nces and
sarcasm, assfac
e.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

138 Number 263: Pioneered by the Spaniards

Number  263:  Pioneered  By  The  Spaniards Number 264: Cows of Doom
Number  264:  Cows  Of  Doom
...No,Number Twenty-six:
see in the Dress
real world it’s Code
considered
Ohhhh. I knew Well, my shift’s up for the day.
somewhat unusual for a girl to do a double-
that scene seemed Try not to burn down the place
penetration scene with her boyfriend
scripted! while I’m gone, Faye.
and some other dude. Ha ha, smartypants. Try
not to have any more identity
crises on your way home.

Hey kids. I take it you’ve

resolved your little age
So, wanna keep a poor,
difference issues?
defenseless girl company
while she drudges out the
rest of her shift?

Well I’d hardly call you

defenseless, but sure.

Resolved with
make-outs!

That’s all you did with So why did you flip out
each other, right? on Vicky, anyway?

Umm, yes...

Good.

Good?

If he's willing to wait for sex, he's

probably not just looking to make you
She hurt a friend of mine, and I
another conquest of his.
decided to bestow the comeuppance
she rightly deserved. She's lucky I
didn't steam the milk before I
threw it at her.
“Another conquest”? What am I gonna do,
plant a flag on her ass and claim it in the Oh, so you’re my avenger now? Does this
name of my wang? Guys do seem to have an mean you’ll track down the jocks who picked
odd fascination with conquering on me in high school and assault them with
ladies’ asses, don’t they? dairy products as well?

Conquista-porn! A wheel of cheddar to the skull,

Hee! a slab of gouda to the groin. Truly, it is
the deadliest of the food groups.

The “another conquest” line was inspired by something my mother-in-law said when Unlike Marten, I never got beaten up in high school. I was bigger than most of the
my wife and I were still dating. I guess she thought I was a lot more of a player than jocks! I am a huge dude.
I really was!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 265: There’s Never Enough Banjo

Number  265:  There  Is  Never  Enough  Banjo Number 266: She No See So Good
Number  266:  She  No  See  So  Good 139
So what do you think An indie-rock band death pool, Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
the next big indie band eh? Morbid, yet entertaining. Man, my vision has been awful
lately. I think I need a stronger Well, why don’t you go
to break up will be? get another pair tomorrow?
prescription for my glasses.

Hmm. I could see Wilco

breaking up sometime soon... It’s no big deal.
You don’t mind?
If you need new glasses,
I mean, you bought these
No no, they won’t break up. Jeff Tweedy will for me. I feel bad... you need new glasses.
just pass out in a gutter somewhere and it’ll
take them a couple months to find him.

Jesus, you need a

You’re an almost
Actually, I bet it'll be the Arcade Fire. They seem so intense stronger prescription
eerily understanding
about their music that they might just collapse under than this? I can barely
boy sometimes, Marten.
the pressure of all their success. make out basic shapes!

Win Butler’s head

explodes during a
performance of
“Wake Up”, forcing
them to replace him
with a Homestar
Runner puppet.
Hee hee! EmoMarten! All you I would be depressed if I
need now is a tight sweater needed this kind of vision correction.
Isn’t that basically just Was one of your parents a mole rat
I hope Iron & Wine and a case of depression to
one guy? How could Sam to complete your ensemble. or something?
doesn’t break up. Beam break up with
himself?

He could have a falling-out

with his beard, or get into a
vicious argument with his guitar
over how much banjo to put on
the next album.

To date, none of these bands has broken up. Faye wouldn’t be nearly as cute if she were half mole-rat.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

140 Number 267: Delicious Documentation Number 268: Unsafe Suggestions

Number  268:  Unsafe  Suggestions
Number  267:  Delicious  Documentation
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code According to tech support, all I need to do
Hey Pintsize, is reboot him and run a safety diagnostic
Well?
we’re home. and that should take care of the virus.

That’s good, because

I feel kinda weird.

Yeah, but they said there’s a chance

Well that’s good news! the virus wiped his memory banks before
safe mode kicked in.
What’s the matter?
Well I was just
poking around online
this afternoon when
all of a sudden I asdf
hglkjgl HHHLHFFF

Don’t you have a backup

on your other computer?
WARNING:
VIRUS DETECTED IN
OPERATING SYSTEM. I deleted it when he got his new chassis.
SWITCHING TO SAFE When we turn him back on, he might not remember
MODE. PLEASE CONSULT me, or you, or anything that's happened to him
USER MANUAL FOR since I first booted him up.
REPAIR INSTRUCTIONS.

It's like being told your best friend is in a coma

and they don't know if he has any brain damage.
I'm really worried about the little guy.

No, it’s not. Especially Oh Marten, I’m so sorry.

Well that sure Is there anything I can do
since he ate his own user
isn’t good. to help?
manual a couple months ago.

I‘d jokingly suggest making

out, but I’m honestly not
in the mood.

That’s good, because I’d hate to

beat you senseless when you’re
already so unhappy.

For some reason, Pintsize-central storylines rapidly lose their appeal to me. I think he Aww this is actually kind of sad!
just works better in small doses.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 269: Recalibration

Number  269:  Recalibration
Number  270:  Cheap  Humor
Number 270: Cheap Humor 141
Number Twenty-six:you
Dress Code
Now tell me, what have
learned from your little
Yeah, here
Ready? goes nothing... ordeal last night?

I learned that it is
never a good idea to
download SNES ROMs
off of shady websites.

RUNNING SECURITY DIAGNOSTIC...

DIAGNOSTIC COMPLETE. LOADING Final Fantasy 2 is
PERSONALITY MODULE... not worth a case of
robot ebola.

Pintsize! Are you okay?

Do you remember me? It makes me wonder, though.
If I had lost all of my memory, would I
still be the same Pintsize, or would I be
a different person?

Well, that's a pretty classic

question. Are we defined by our
past experiences, or by our
moment-to-moment
existence?

Buh...gah...what
happened?

But it's a two way street. We constantly

We’re defined by our past. re-evaluate our view of the past based on our current
That’s what we use to filter experiences as well. I think you'd still be Pintsize, you'd
You had a virus in your and interpret our current just be experiencing your past second-hand since
system. Do you feel okay existence. you couldn't remember it yourself anymore.
now?

I...I think so.

Excuse me, boys.

This metaphysical talk is fun and all,
but I need to go re-evaluate my view
I do need to recalibrate my of the bathroom based on my current
touch sensors, though. Faye, experience of this cup of coffee.
can I poke your-‐
Centuries of philosophical debate
reduced to a toilet joke. Nice.
Touch me and I will
pound you into a shape
resembling a small cube
made entirely of pain.

When talking about the human

experience, it all comes back
around to poopin’ eventually.

Okay, you’re definitely back to

normal. I’m going to bed.

Crisis averted. Especially in THIS comic.

 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

142 Number 271: Cuteometer

Number  271:  Cuteometer Number 272: Bad Psychoanalysis
Number  272:  Bad  Psychoanalysis
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Come on Marten, you’re
coming to help me shop There’s nothing quite
like the feeling of buying How so?
for some new glasses.
new glasses.

Actually I kinda wanted to

restring my guitar, can I just-

No. You are coming

with me, and that is
that.

Is it some sort of
I dunno, I just unconscious defense mechanism?
May I ask why you’re
like wearing glasses. I bet it is.
so adamant about me
tagging along?

I need the opinion of a

boy who enjoys looking at
ladies, and you fit the bill.

The glasses are your way of putting

That’s an...interesting... What are you
a barrier between yourself and other
point of view for you to talking about?
people. They make you feel safer, so you
be concerned with. can retain control of the situation.

I may not be pursuing

romance right now, but that You know, that would
doesn’t mean I don’t want make a lot of sense...
heads to turn when I
walk down the street.

...If it weren't complete and utter bullcrap.

Just think of yourself I‘m just a canary I wear glasses because I think they look nice.
as a Geiger counter for in the coal mine of your That's all there is to it. Sometimes a cigar really
my attractiveness. beauty, baby. is just a cigar, Marten.

Isn’t that a
B.B. King song?

Wait, why did you bring up

cigars all of a sudden? Do you
have some weird phallic issues
that we need to talk about?

I’d listen to that song. More glasses shenanigans. My OCD compels me to spend multiple strips on minutiae
like this sometimes.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 273: Rooby Roo

Number  273:  Rooby-Roo Number 274: A Harsh Anaysis
Number  274:  A  Harsh  Analysis 143
I think Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
I’m going to They’re nice and all,
What do you think Ehh, I don’t really get this pair. What do but they look just like your
of these? like horn-rims that much. you think? old glasses.

I‘m buying these so I can Okay, whatever you say.

Wow, you must be the only indie boy see better, not so that I can I just thought you were going
on earth who doesn't have a soft spot for look like a completely different to go for something a little
the whole "sexy librarian" look. person, Marten. different, that’s all.

I had a traumatic
experience involving
a late library book
when I was eleven.

I think it's all a confidence thing. What do you mean? What? No, I-
Hipster kids fetishized the nerdy look because Are you implying that
they felt that anything ostentatiously pretty there’s something wrong
was out of their league. with my current look?

It’s like Scooby-Doo.

If you can’t hook up with
Daphne, settle for Velma.

Now that I think about it, Silly Marten, I’m only joking around. I‘d take offence at your
Velma was kinda hot, in a I know you’re not crafty enough to hint at condescension if I didn’t
weird way. things obliquely. You just blurt them out and know you were right.
then go “huh buh duh wha?”

Underneath that baggy

orange sweater lie the dreams
of many an introverted young
man.

Velma was DEFINITELY the hotter of the two Scooby-Doo girls. It’s true, he does that pretty often.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

144 Number 275: Homeless Hipsters

Number  275:  Homeless  Hipsters
Number  275:  Homeless  Hipsters
Number 276: ady-Classes
Number  276:  LLady-Classes
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code So you’re all set then? Oh, I majored in music
So you’re all set then? So what did you study
in college, anyway? history and critical theory.
Yep, my new glasses should
Yep,
bemy new in
ready glasses should
a day or two.
be ready in a day or two.

Anything else you wanna

Anything
do while else
we’reyou
at wanna
the mall?
do while we’re at the mall?

We could go to Hot Topic and

We could
giggle go to
at the Hot Topic and
fourteen-year-olds
giggle
with at the fourteen-year-olds
ninety-dollar Good Charlotte
with ninety-dollar Good Charlotte
haircuts.
haircuts.

That seems sorta Pretty much. Most of my

That seems sorta
mean-spirited. Why not just Wow, so you have a classes consisted of me and four
mean-spirited. Why
let them not just
be? degree in Music other dudes listening to John Cage
let them be? Nerdery then? for an hour while our professor
stroked his beard, but it was fun.

It's not being mean, it's just

It's notamusement
deriving being mean,from
it's just
the poor
deriving amusement
self-image decisions from the poor
of others. They're
self-image decisions of others.
perfectly entitled to dress They're
like
perfectly
Emo Hobos entitled to dress
if they want, justlike
as I'm
Emoentitled
Hobos iftothey want,
smirk just as
at them I'm
behind
entitled to smirk at them behind
their backs.
their backs.

“Emo Hobos”? What about you?

“Emo Hobos”? What did you major in?

You have to guess.

I predict it will be the next big Nobody ever figures
emo Ifashion
predicttrend.
it will Ibemean,
the next big is more
nobody it out on their own.
emo fashion trend.
miserable than a Ihomeless
mean, nobody
person,is more
right?
miserable than
That's like thea Holy
homeless person,
Grail of feelingright?
sorry
That's like the Holy Grail of
for yourself! feeling sorry
for yourself! English major?
Nah, too obvious...

Imagine it: packs of disaffected youth with Ooh, did you major in something sexy?
Imaginehaircuts
elaborate it: packshuddling
of disaffected youth with
around burning oil drums, Gender and Sexuality or something? That’s
elaborate
swappinghaircuts
stories huddling around
of sharing burning
rail-cars withoilSunny
drums,Day unlike you enough that no one would
swapping stories
Real Estate and of sharing
passing rail-cars
around withof
a bottle Sunny Day
moonshine guess it.
Real Estate and cut
passing around
with their a bottle
own tears.of moonshine
cut with their own tears.

Hmm. Do I punch you for making such

a tasteless and typically male remark,
or for implying that no one would think
of me as a sensual person?

Some dude with scabies singing about

Some
how hisdude with scabies
girlfriend singing
was swept about
away when
how
thehis girlfriendflooded...his
underpass was swept away
band iswhen
a guy
the underpass
playing flooded...his
a broken ukelele andband is a
a dog guy
beating
playing
its taila against
broken ukelele and can...they're
a garbage a dog beatingall See, now that sounds like
its tail against
"we're not emo hobos, we're all
a garbage can...they're something a Women’s Studies
"we'reemotional
not emo hobos, we're
hobocore!" major would say.
emotional hobocore!"

It turns out hipsters looked a lot more like hobos than emo kids, for a couple years at I have a degree in music myself! In hindsight I really should’ve taken art classes.
least.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 277: Oddly Obvious

Number  277:  Oddly  Obvious Number
Number
Number278: WeWe
278:
278: CanCan
We Dance If YouIfWant
CanDance
Dance WeTo
IfWe Want
WantTo
To 145
HeyNumber
Heyguys, Twenty-six: Dress Code
guys,your
your Hello
HelloSteve!
Steve!How
Howare
are
Veterinary medicine? door’s
door’sopen.
open. things
thingswith
withyou
youand
andEllen?
Ellen?
Have
Haveyou
youtalked
talkedtotoher
heryet?
yet?

Nope.

Oh,
Oh,hey
heydude.
dude.

English literature?

You’re way
off.

Oh,
Oh,things
thingsare
are
Ooh,
Ooh,did
didsomeone
someoneget
get
Okay, I give up. pretty
prettygood.
good.I Iwent
went
himself
himselfsome
somesexy
sexysexin’
sexin’
What did you major in? over
overtotoher
herplace
place
last
lastnight?
night?
last
lastnight,
night,and
and––

Art! Sculpture was my

specialty but I studied a
whole bunch of stuff.

No,
No,we
wehaven’t
haven’t
gone
gonethat
thatfar
far
yet,
yet,but
but––

And nobody ever guesses

that was your major? I find
that hard to believe. I Ibelieve
believehim.
him.
No,
No,really!
really! The
Thedance?
dance?
He’s
He’snotnotdoing
doing
It’s strange but true. the
thedance.
dance.
I guess I don’t look artistic
enough or something.

I think you look very

artistic, like one of the ladies
in a Reubens painting, or-‐

Did I mention that my preferred media were Come on Pintsize, you knew HeHedoes
doesa alittle
littledance
danceifif SoSoit’s
it’slike
likeananend-‐zone
end-‐zone
melted plastic and dismantled electronics? Five that was gonna piss her off. hehegot
gotlucky
luckythethenight before. dance
nightbefore. danceinina afootball
footballgame?
game?
minutes with a pair of pliers and the microwave Why even say it at that point? ItItinvolves
involvesa alot
lotofofpelvic
pelvic Steve,
Steve, you
you simply
simply must
must
and you'll be my newest exhibit. thrusting
thrustingand andstrutting
strutting get
getititononwith
withEllen
Ellensosothat
that
around
aroundlike
likea arooster.
rooster. I I
may
may witness
witness this
thisballet
ballet
ofofbonery.
bonery.

Dude,
Dude,no!
no!Woman-‐kind
Woman-‐kindmust
must
never
neverknow
knowofofthe
theSecret
Secret
Booty
BootyDance!
Dance!

AAtouchgina
touchgina
instead
insteadofofa a
touchdown!
touchdown!

I‘m a performance artist,

and my medium is irate ladies.

One time in New York city I walked past a couple having the most outrageously We’ll see the Secret Booty Dance later on.
theatrical, histrionic argument I have ever witnessed. I’m still half-convinced it was
some sort of performance art.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

146 Number 279: This Is What I Am Talking About

Number  279:  This  Is  What  I  Keep  Talking  About Number 280: Moving On Up
Number  280:  Moving  On  Up
Number
Hi Dora!
Twenty-six: Dress Code
Uh...do I know you?

Have you ever considered

moving to a bigger place? I dunno, I mean this
apartment is more than
big enough for me. Why
do you ask?

It’s me, Raven!

Raven?! Wow,
you look...different.
What’s with the
emo getup?

Well after the last time I talked to

you, I realized being goth isn't really
who I am either. Oh, I was just thinking...
I really do appreciate your Are...are you thinking
hospitality Marten, but sleeping of getting another place
Do tell.
on this couch is really starting of your own?
to take a toll on my back, you
know what I mean?

Yeah, I was in Hot Topic and they

had all these REALLY cute clothes,
and I was like "I'm gonna be emo
instead of goth, that's WAY cooler."

Raven, do you know what the phrase

"to thine own self be true" means? What do YOU like? What are YOU I... I had considered it, but I Aww, well you make a pretty
interested in? Do you even know what you actually enjoy anymore, figure you make a pretty good housemate good housemate yourself, Faye.
or are you only concerned with finding a herd and baa-ing along and if we pooled our resources we could I've got a month- to-month lease
like a good little sheep? afford a nice 2-bedroom... here so it couldn't hurt to look
for a bigger place.

I‘ll help you move, if

Uh...well...
you pay me an hourly
wage in beer.

Hey, remember Darren and Amalia from the coven? So, uh, what is it that
We're starting a band together! We're either gonna be called makes me fun to live with
Our Days Are Dying Ashes or The Fluoroscope, we can't decide. if I may ask?

You're a nice boy, Marten, but have you ever lived

completely by yourself before? After a couple weeks
you find yourself talking to the kitchen appliances.
"Oh, good morning Mister Refrigerator! You're looking
very shiny today!"

I spend most mornings

Oh hey, now I remember “conversing” with my toilet,
why I went goth in the first place. but not in the way you’re
Because people are retarded. implying.

I gotta say, I definitely don’t miss emo culture. Considering all the little robots running around everywhere, there must be sentient
kitchen appliances in the QC universe.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 281: I Prefer the Trebuchet

Number  281:  I  Prefer  The  Trebuchet Number 282: Who Is Joey?
Number  282:  Who  Is  Joey? 147
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Find anything
interesting? Hmm?

I‘ll shircle the Ooh, this looks

promishing onesh as like it could be
I shee them. interesting.

Two bedroom apartment, Hmm, rent looks reasonable too.

close to downtain, and newly That's not much more than what we
renovated. 144 Dwight Street. pay for this place.

Wait, are we moving

to a new apartment?

Well yeah, we’re

considering it. We kinda
need the extra space.

144 Dwight Street?

I think that’s the same
building that Ellen and
her roommate live in!

Well fancy that. Looks like we That’s almost disturbingly

could end up neighbors with your Friends-esque, when you think
little redhead lady-friend! about it.

Can we move into a castle?

That would be awesome!

Somehow I doubt there

will be many castles up
for rent around here.

Haha, would that make

you two Ross and Rachel,
or Chandler and Monica?

Even if there were, no way. The

last thing we need is that little Look on the bright side. When I’m
fiend pouring boiling oil on people I...I probably shouldn’t have done beating you senseless, the concussion
from the parapets. Yeah, only instead of said that out loud, should I. will make Friends seem a whole lot funnier
boiling oil, he poured boiling than it actually is.
Ohh, is that why the locks oatmeal on some
on the windows have been pedestrians.
painted over?

The Quakers
were masters
of siege
warfare.
Actually, I think it takes a
lot more than a concussion
to make network TV funny.
Maybe massive brain
damage.

Man that would be horrible, boiling oatmeal is like napalm. I have never actually seen the entirety of a Friends episode. The comic used to get
compared to it a lot- they could be very similar, for all I know!
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

148 Number 283: Beware the Yeti

Number  283:  Beware  The  Yeti Number 284: Initiation Ceremony
Number 284: Initiation Ceremony
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Okay, we are scheduled So what brings you here anyway,
to go see the apartment Raven? Surely you're not just looking Actually, I was
tomorrow. for someone to horrify with your wondering if you
trend-‐hopping. were hiring.

Awesome, thanks
Faye.

That reminds me, I'm due to meet Raven, honey, you’re

Ellen for some food. I'll let her know you a nice kid but there’s no way
two will be in the area tomorrow. I can hire you. I know you’ve Pleeease? I'll do anything you
never worked in a coffee shop want me to do! I can wash dishes
before, and I need people in the back or mop the floors or
who have at least some whatever!
experience.

Oh, so we'll see you there tomorrow

morning then. All disheveled, pink lipstick on
your shirt, fly unzipped, pompadour askew...

I told you, we’re Faye, this is Raven.

Hi Dora, sorry I’m late.
not gettin’ it on She’s trying to convince
Who’s little miss vintage?
yet. me to hire her.
Pff, not for long. When it comes to
the sideways samba, boys have the willpower
of a package of Jello if they find a willing lady.

It looks like a Jimmy Eat

World video threw up on her.
Shall I fetch a mop and
bucket?

Heh. Okay, here's the deal. If you can

I have a hard enough time
survive a shift with insultosaurus here,
even finding one of those. So either I get to break you
you're hired. Clean-‐up detail and register
only until you learn the ropes, then we’ll psychologically, or you get to clean the
That's your own fault, dude. customer bathroom instead of me?
It's like someone told you to go see if you’re bright enough to make
a decent cup of coffee. Awesome, I win either way!
climb a hill and you're scaling
Mount Everest naked.

What is he referring to? Sometimes I wonder Um...yay

Why are you climbing that myself. for me?
mountains naked?

Faye is a real challenge, it’s true. Having Raven join Coffee of Doom was a pretty good idea, in hindsight.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 285: Sacred Caffeine Deity

Number  285:  Sacred  Caffeine  Deity Number 286: Sirens of Coffee
Number  286:  Sirens  Of  Coffee 149
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Did you finish mopping Y...yes...oh God, I can’t believe it. Apparently people enjoy it when
the bathroom? it smelled like twenty She’s been bringing people you’re nice to them. I may have
asses in there... their drinks for half an to revise my business model.
hour now, and people
actually like it!

Lesson number one:

Never underestimate
the diuretic powers
of coffee.

Hey you! Dude with the Have you guys ever tried bringing your Faye, could you get Hang on there, Cheery McHelpful.
big dorky glasses! Come customers their drinks instead of making me a large soy latte What's with the smiling and giggling?
and get your mocha! them get it? for the table by the- I thought you were supposed to be some
sort of gothy-emo hybrid of misery.
No, why would
we do that?

I dunno, to
be nice?

She's saying you don't really fit the

Listen kiddo, we're barristas, not
Huh? stereotype that you seem to be
Thank you. Hooters girls. We are expected to be
dressing for. You know- angsty, whiny
aloof and icy. When you buy a cup of But wouldn’t you
emo kid?
Thank you WHAT? coffee, you want it served to you by an get more business
untouchable Coffee Goddess, if you were nice to
Th-thank not some giggling trollop. your customers?
you ma’am!

Oh. I dunno, it's just clothes and

a haircut, you know? Just because other
people who look like me are sad all the time
doesn't mean I have to be.

What an...oddly enlightened response.

Is she too shallow to be concerned with identity
You try your little "being nice to issues, or am I too shallow not to be?
the customers" thing and see how cheery Since when is
you feel after the fifteenth guy stammers out Hee! Goth kids gotta sulk, emo gotta cry,
guys staring at my
his order while staring at your chest. Dora gotta ask herself “why why why?”
chest a bad thing?

Faye gets that

a lot more than I do.

Is that a Doctor
Seuss line? I love
Doctor Seuss!

Maybe they’re just trying to read the text on your shirt, Faye. You do wear shirts with It’s a Vonnegut reference, actually.
little tiny band names on them pretty often.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

150 Number 287:She Is Kinda Cute

Number  287:  She  Is  Kinda  Cute
Number 289: Safetyease
Number  288:  Safety  L Lease
Number  288:  Safety  Lease
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code Yeah, we're looking at I hope either the walls are
Hello! a placeYeah, we're looking
tomorrow. at it's
Apparently I hope
plenty thickeither the awalls
or we're few are
floors
You’re moving?
You’re moving? ainplace tomorrow.
the same Apparently
building as Steve'sit's plenty
away thick
from or we're
them. a few
I do not floors
want to
Uh, hi. in the same building as Steve's
new lady-friend. awayhear
from them.
their I do not want to
gettings-on.
new lady-friend. hear their gettings-on.

Can I help you

with something?

Uh no, I’m just

here to say hi to
Faye and Dora.

Okay! Have a
nice day!

Hello ladies. Oh, that's Raven. You didn't

Who’s the chick in touch her, did you? We'll have to wash Well he is fairly clean for a boy, and I'm
the emo off with a hose. Didn’t want to give Marten Well he is
almost certain hefairly
won't clean
try tofor a boy,
fondle meand I'msleep.
in my
the red shirt?
upDidn’t
as a want to give
roommate, ehMarten
Faye? almost certain
It's ahe won't tryarrangement.
convenient to fondle me in my sleep.
up as a roommate, eh Faye? It's a convenient arrangement.

She's an old acquaintance of mine

who we might be hiring to help out
around here.

Hmph. Look at her, gabbing gaily I like how the only positive things you
I liketo
have how the
say only him
about positive things
are "well you
he's Well I mean it's obvious he's a nice boy,
away with the customers. I'd gag if Well
nothave
TOOto say about
messy" him probably
and "he are "wellwon't
he's thatI goes it's obvious
meanwithout he'sWhat
saying. a nice boy,
I am
she weren't raking in the tips. thatagoes
notto
try TOO messy"
rape and "he
me" when he'sprobably won't
been letting making pointwithout saying.
of is that he isWhat I am
also clean
Yeah, she does seem try stay
to rape me"place
whenfor
he's been letting making a point of is that he is also
and unlikely to inflict harm upon me. clean
you at his months now.
to have a way with people. you stay at his place for months now. and unlikely to inflict harm upon me.
I don’t get it.

I dunno, it makes
sense to me. She’s
kinda cute.
Wouldn't me sexually
Wouldn't me
assaulting sexually
someone
assaulting
sort someone
of negate my
sort boy"
"nice of negate
statusmy
"nice boy" status
anyway?
anyway?

Hah, imagine if it didn't! You know, I should put that on the

Hah,Bob's
"Oh yeah, imagine if it didn't!
a great guy. I mean You know,
rental I should
application forput
thethat
newon the
place.
I mean, not that you two No no, let him keep digging "Ohraped
yeah,aBob's
he buncha of
great guy. girls,
sorority I mean rental application
"Steady job, goodfor the new place.
references,
aren't, uh, I mean she seems It’s okay Marten, himself this hole. I want to he raped a bunch
but whatever. Heof sorority
helped girls,
me fix "Steady
unlikely job, good
to molest references,
other tenants."
friendlier... uh, not friendlier you’re allowed to see how people in China but whatever. He helped me fix unlikely to molest other tenants."
my lawnmower!"
than YOU per se, but think- react to his stammering. my lawnmower!" I would imagine that having
it’s just uh ah I uh... I would imagine thatpredators
having
a building free of sexual
aIS
building free of sexual
an attractive predators
notion to most
ISlandlords,
an attractive notion ass.
yes. Smart to most
landlords, yes. Smart ass.

I don’t think you’d actually end up in China if you tunneled through the center of the That is a pretty disturbing hypothetical, Dora.
earth starting from Western Massachusetts.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 289: Huuugs

Number  289:  Huuugs Number 290: Healthy Diet Indeed
Number  290:  A  Healthy  Diet  Indeed 151
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Front and center, emo-butt.
You know, I was worried when you My shift is up and thus it is
first said you were moving. I thought your moment of reckoning.
A terrifying thought indeed.
you meant moving out of town!
How would you ever find a suitable
replacement for moi?

Oh yeah, where on earth would I find

Pff, you'd never find one
another sassy hipster chick with a big
equal to me. I am the Hope So? Do I get Eh, I don’t see why not.
butt and black glasses. They're such a
diamond of hipster girls. the job? You didn’t manage to fuck
rare breed of girl these days.
up too badly today.

You mean
you’re cursed?

I‘d punch you for that, but

I should have seen it coming.

Sass notwithstanding, you Aw well you're our friend too Dora. No, yay for me. Now it is your
Yay for me! responsibility to clean the bathrooms
kids are my friends. I’d be We're not going anywhere.
lonely without you around. every morning when you come in.

Sheesh, get a
room you two.

You're just jealous because N-no! Not the More like the Cave of Forty Asses
I don't need to be blitzed That’s...that’s Hey, I can’t help it if I
not true! Cave of Twenty if Dora gets in there before you. This girl have the metabolism
to show affection. Asses! eats bran muffins like most people of a ferret.
eat popcorn.

Oh yeah? Then
prove me wrong.
C’mere and give
me a hug!
I am so in At least you don’t
favor of this you share their penchant
have no idea. for pooping in corners.

Jeez Marten settle down, it’s just a hug. Take a shot.

 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

152 Number 291: The Power of Suggestion

Number  291:  The  Power  Of  Suggestion
Number 292: The Hobo Fixes All
Number  292:  The  Hobo  Fixes  All
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Hey now, don't talk shit about the
So Dora, do you have I can’t believe you can Midnight Hobo. It may be distilled in empty
I dunno, I’m kinda feeling
any plans tonight? You should actually drink that stuff. oil drums out by the train tracks, but it's
a little too introverted to
come over to Marten’s place wonderfully efficient booze.
do anything tonight...
after work. It is beer and
boardgames night!

Uh, Pintsize? What’s

with the necktie?
Aw c’mon, those moods are
never any fun. I know, I get them I will be unable to join
myself sometimes. Come hang out O-okay, I guess I in your reindeer games tonight.
with us tonight. can. See you guys later I have a date. A SEXY date!
tonight then.

A date? Like, Yep, we have a private IRC chatroom

That was astoundingly No, I just recognized that expression, all set up and everything. Now, if you’ll
with another
assertive of you. Does someone and when I'm feeling that way I always excuse me, I’m due to sign on. If the
AnthroPC?
have a wee crush on le Dora end up havin' a crappy night if I don't router starts a-‐rockin’ don’t
after all? force myself to go out and do something. come a-‐knockin’!

I don’t, but this will be the most

Dora? Are you okay?
Hey, I thought you efficient way of blotting out the
didn’t like that stuff. realization that my computer has
No. Here I was planning a whole night a more active love life than me.
of feeling sorry for myself and stupid
Marten with his puppy-dog eyes has
to go and ruin it for me. Actually, if the router really does
start a-‐rockin’ do you think you could
weigh it down with something heavy?
I don’t want a cable to come loose
and disconnect me.

So you're sad about not being able

to mope all night because a cute boy
asked you over to his place? Are you
SURE you're not goth anymore?

Ah, introversion. I know it well. Doing the comic has actually forced me to be a lot A+ Pintsize punchline in this one. Is it weird to laugh at a joke you wrote yourself?
less introverted, oddly enough.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 293: Lost In Translation

Number  293:  Lost  In  Translation
Number 294: Fossil Fayes
Number  294:  Fossil  Fayes
153
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Oh hey Dora, we
were wondering when you
Hi kitty. were gonna show up.

Mew?

Sorry, I had to go
home and feed my
cat first.
No, mommy’s not going
to be home for long. She has
to go hang out with some Oh, it’s cool.
friends of hers tonight. Come on in.

Can I get you something

Nervous? No, why to drink? We’ve got beer and
would I be nervous? hard cider in the fridge.

Mew?

Hard cider, please. I

have the tolerance of
a mole rat.

A long history of social anxiety that I usually try to hide

by being an aloof smartypants? Uncertainty about my motives There you are! And here I figured you
towards Marten and his issues with Faye? The possibility had resigned yourself to another night
of getting drunk and doing something I might later regret? of mopery and sighing.
The pimple on my butt that just won't go away?

Mew mew
meow mew.

What, and miss watching

you slowly dissolve into a
pool of pure ethanol?

Yes, I realize that projecting my

internal dialogue onto my cat is perhaps
After I am dead, my remains will
not the healthiest way of dealing with
make an excellent disinfectant
stressful situations.
and household cleaner.

Meow.

No, murder is not

the answer. You always Or jet fuel, judging by
suggest that. the smell of whatever it is
you’re drinking.
Actually, are you sure
you’re not drinking jet
fuel already?

Cats ALWAYS suggest that. One time I had a glass of 160 proof bourbon. It was AMAZING. I’m also amazed I
didn’t go blind.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

154 Number 295: Uno

Number  295:  Uno
Number 296: OMG
Number  296:  OMG
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
I‘m gonna call Steve and
see if he and Ellen wanna
What the heck are we listening to, It's a band called the come over.
anyway? It sounds like the Who Fiery Furnaces. This is their
writing music for ADD kids. magnum opus, Blueberry Boat.
What if they’re,
uh...busy?

Naked busy!
The best kind
of busy!

If they’re goin’ at it,

Yeah, it’s a pretty he just won’t answer
polarizing record- either his cell phone.
Oh, ok. I think I heard a
couple hipsters arguing about you love it or you can’t
these guys in the coffee shop stand it.
Or it liquifies
the other day. your brain!
True...

You realize that

according to Murphy’s
Law they will indeed
be getting it on
when Faye calls.

I kind of like it, I just wish it'd calm

Hordes of mindless zombies, Hey pompadourasaurus, you busy?
down a little bit. It's like they tried
moaning about sailing ships No? Well get you and your bonita Lolita
to cram every idea they ever
and blueberry pirates... over here. Fun times are afoot!
had into each song.

They just put out an EP of their singles

and b-sides and it's actually a lot
more accessible than this record.
Well I’ll be damned,
I guess Murphy took
the night off.

He’s busy boning

Lady Luck!

I love how you indie kids can listen to ...Actually I think I Come on sweetie, we’re heading
this stuff with a straight face and then decry just described the over to Marten’s to hang out.
Type O Negative as melodramatic and silly. average Decemberists
concert audience.. Aww, are you sure you
Well, the Fiery Furnaces are basically don’t want to do it again?
the indie rock Meatloaf, only with more
keyboards and less body odor.

Baby, you’re wonderful but

if we keep this up one of us
is gonna end up with a
broken pelvis.

So many indie rock references! SO MANY! Shirtless Steve ahoy! I draw him a lot more muscular these days.
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Number 297: PETA Number 298: Self-Medication

Number  298:  Self-Medication 155
Number  297:  PETA
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
Gotta pee gotta pee
Finally wore each Y-you heard us? gotta pee gotta pee
other out, huh? Whoa, this cider is
hitting me pretty hard.
You’ve only had one,
you pansy!

Oh no! I am so sorry, we’ll Whatever. I’m an efficient

You were pretty quiet for the
be more quiet next time drunk, when I want to be.
most part, but there were a couple times
where it got a little more... audible. I promise!

Oh, is that your goal?

Tryin’ to loosen yourself
up a bit tonight? Maybe
make a move on our
currently-urinating
host?

No, just tryin’ to overcome a

depressive episode the old-fashioned
Nah, don’t worry about it. Which raises the question of
way- by drowning it in alcohol.
Next time I’ll just put on why you didn’t put them on
my headphones. this time.

That was...
unexpectedly candid.
Are you okay, hon?

I have a feeling
I will be after
another cider.

Dora, alcohol is not a good means

Hey I don’t know what of self-medication! Ignore the fact that I am
Ellen’s like my little sister, dude. she’s been telling you but
Hardly. a pot calling your kettle-butt black. I'm drunk
I had to make sure you weren’t I’m not into the whole and allowed to be a bit hypocritical.
inflicting any harm upon her. S&M deal.

Heh. If my butt’s
a kettle, yours is
a cauldron.

That would be a pretty creepy thing to do to one’s little sister, regardless of good Oh MAN the perspective is screwy in that last panel. Where could Faye’s lower legs
intentions. possibly fit?
 Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

156 Number 299: A Jaunty Chapeau

Number  299:  A  Jaunty  Chapeau
Number Twenty-six: Dress Code
What’s goin’ on
in here?

Number Twenty-six: Dress Code

Hand
please.

We’re commiserating
in your commissary.

Dora is feeling a Hush, you. It’s nothing a little

little down in the dumps, booze and a lot of Uno won’t fix.
it would seem.

You sure? I mean, if

you need to talk about
anything, I can...

Please, Marten. I’m not going to force you

to piece out my every little personality quirk
like some sort of emo jigsaw puzzle. You
Haha, I do? He does?
get that enough as it is.

I wasn't aware this was "get drunk

Ohh, you mean... Uh, nevermind.
and poke fun at Faye's personality" night.
I have no idea what you are talking
Had I known I would have worn a silly hat
about or to whom you are referring.
to make my dysfunction all the
more noticeable.

Ooh, a Ridicule Hat!

What a good idea! We
should get one for the
coffee shop.

It’s like a dunce cap, but…actually it’s pretty much just a dunce cap.
 157

This is a mini-comic I gave away at ConnectiCon in 2004 – the very first convention I ever exhibited at!
It’s entitled “Let’s Go To A Show,” and this is the first time I’ve reprinted it anywhere. Enjoy!
158
Hey Faye, the Dangerous Fruit Bats Quick, that’s our
are playing at the Soiled Puppet tonight. bus! Run!
Do you want to go?

Those Fruit Bats put on

a truly rocking show! I am not meant to run!

VROOOOO
I would love to. These legs are for looking good,
not propelling me at high speed
down a sidewalk!

Whew, that was too close.

Excuse me, I must go We should be there by the
and get ready. time the first band starts.

Yes, support your local indie bands

by watching from the bar as they fumble
through awful Joy Division covers for
thirty-‐five minutes.

How come you girls have to get

all dolled up to go to a show, anyway?
You know you’re gonna end up just as
sweaty and stinking of cigarettes
as the rest of us.

Okay, the club is just a

couple blocks that way-‐ My purse! I left my purse
That is not the point!
on the bus! Crap in a crappy
A girl gets dolled up in order to feel more
crap hat full of crap!
confident. Nothing inspires confidence
like the sidelong stares of a dozen
lonely indie boys!

Hah, I knew it! Girls don’t

go to shows to see the bands,
they go to look good in front
of dudes.

Not this girl! I always look good. Okay, the club is just a
Ergo, I am going in order to enjoy couple blocks that way-‐ My purse! I left my purse
some sexy rock music! on the bus! Crap in a crappy
crap hat full of crap!

Well, let’s get going then.

The show starts in half
an hour.
 159
I think I can hear the Do not worry Marten, I am still
Ooh, by the sound of it I’m really sorry, Faye, having a nice time! Today is like a
first band starting
they are stumbling through this turned into a huge microcosm of life in general–nothing
their set.
awful Television covers, not mess. ever turns out like you expect it to,
Joy Division! but if you improvise and make do
you can still have a little fun!

Sold out?! Since when do the

Wow, that was deep.
Dangerous Fruit Bats sell out
Are you the Buddha reincarnated?
their shows? Do you want me to break
Can I rub your belly for good luck?
your arm? Because I can do that,
if that is what you want.

Their record “Hunting the Vulvafly”

got a 9.7 out of 10 on Pitchfork Media
dot com. They said it was “the best
no-‐wave southern grind-‐pop we’ve
heard in a decade.”

The End.

Follow me, I know a place

where we can at least
listen to the show.

Ooh, a lady is impressed

by the resourceful man!

Yeah, I used to come up here

to listen to shows back when I
couldn’t afford to actually
buy the tickets.

The air is refreshingly

smoke-‐free! Thanks for reading!
See you soon in Volume 2!
The first print collection of the hit webcomic!
Featuring new art, commentary, and more!
Marten Reed is your typical downtrodden
twenty-‐something, facing the grim prospect
of a dreary, unfulfilling life his college
education left him ill-‐prepared to handle.
But with the help of his little robot friend Pintsize
and a mysterious girl named Faye, his life is
about to get a lot more interesting...sort of.