Whenever I tell people I work at a middle school, they often lean back

and suck their teeth. It's like they're having a visceral reaction to the
mere mention of those years, and it makes sense. Middle school is a
time like no other. It's when significant biological, neurological and
emotional changes are happening all at the same time.

So how do middle schoolers respond to these changes? Well, some

might ignore deodorant but overuse Axe body spray. You can find
them holding up the walls during the school dance. And there's
usually a desire to be treated like an adult, but they can't quite let go of
their action figures.

You might imagine that it looks a little like this. This was me in sixth
grade, and like many middle school students, I was earnest, I was
goofy, and I was just discovering who I wanted to be. Now I had no
idea that I'd go on to teach middle school. They say the grade levels
you teach are most reflective of your personality. So I'm not quite sure
what it says about me that I later went on to found a middle school for
boys.
But in all seriousness, it didn't take long as a teacher to realize that my
male students were acting kind of strange. I remember there was this
one year, we were doing a get-to-know-you activity where students
would use old magazines to create collages representing who they
were. And many of the collages had all of the things that typical
middle schoolers like: the outdoors, sports, the latest fashion, the
hottest shoes, you know, all the important stuff. However, there were
some that were not exactly what I had in mind. A group of middle
school boys created these collages that were comical, if not
concerning. It was almost as if they had made templates of who they
thought that they should be. Girls in bikinis, fast cars, professional
wrestlers, first-person shooter video games. You get the idea. One
collage actually had to have had at least 25 different images of Kim
Kardashian.
And this wasn't an isolated incident. Whether it was going down a
somewhat sketchy YouTube rabbit hole or mindlessly indulging in
meme culture, which we know can get really hairy really fast, I was
noticing a pattern with my boys. Instead of chalking it up as mindless
activities or typical middle school behavior, I decided to investigate. I
became a mentor for an afterschool program called My Brother's
Keeper. And in this space, we could have more in-depth
conversations. Inspired by the 2016 presidential debates, I asked this
group of boys an age-old question: “Does absolute power corrupt
absolutely?” Students began to discuss amongst themselves. And
then I asked, "Now what would you do if you had this kind of
power? And what if it was unchecked?" Students continued talking
and then they shared out. Many of them said that they would use their
power for good or even share it. And as I listened, I felt
hopeful. Realizing that young men could take a different path.
And then I brought the group together and I just said, "Does it have to
be this way?" Their collective light bulbs lit up, realizing that they could
reject this version of masculinity. And at the same time, I too had an
“aha!” moment. It became clear to me that middle school boys are so
impressionable and so full of potential. But what if I told you those
same middle school boys could lead us to a more just and equitable
society by redefining masculinity?
Now in the days and weeks that followed, I continued to reflect on this
idea. What actually is masculinity? If we reject the gender binary and
affirm people of all genders, how does masculinity fit into that? What
are the expectations of masculinity when it comes to race, class and
other social factors?
I knew that middle school is fertile ground for this work. And my
reflection led me to identify three critical skills that middle schoolers
can practice to redefine masculinity. I call them the three C's. The first
one is confidence, the second is communication, and the third is
community. Now these three C's stand as the pillars of my school to
show people that middle schoolers can redefine masculinity.
Now number one, confidence is essential to teach in middle
school. Students are exploring their identities, and they're more open
to abstract thinking. I believe that having a healthy and balanced
confidence allows boys to feel good about who they are rather than
feeling uncomfortable for trying to be someone they're not. It’s
different than simply being praised or rewarded for achievements but
rather rooted in a deep sense of self. And so what my school does is
move away from either-or thinking. Instead of boys believing that they
have to choose between being smart or athletic, poetic or
pragmatic, we guide our boys to a more holistic version of
masculinity that includes both-and. And as bell hooks and Olga
Silverstein said, we need men who are empathetic and
strong; autonomous and connected; responsible to self, friends,
family, to community; and capable of understanding how those
responsibilities are ultimately inseparable. And from a purely
academic standpoint, we provide opportunities to teach
confidence through cross-curricular work and projects that include
math, science, the humanities, art, home ec, sports to show them that
deep learning and critical thinking often require an integration of all of
these subjects. Teaching confidence allows boys to understand that
there’s an entire spectrum of how they can express themselves, and
they can feel good and value the complexity of their identity and stand
firm in it with confidence.
The second C represents communication. Now communication is
key. To counter the messages that society tells boys to constrict their
emotions, my school practices a variety of communication
methods, both intrapersonally and interpersonally. Now
intrapersonally is how you communicate with yourself, and
interpersonally is how you communicate with others. One example of
our intrapersonal communication methods is we'll have students
arrive at their desks at the beginning of the day. They'll close their
eyes, breathe evenly for about a minute so they can just check in with
themselves, see how they're doing, what they're thinking, how they're
feeling. It allows them to put a frame around their thoughts and
emotions so they can focus on it a little more deeply throughout the
day. Students also keep gratitude journals. Research shows that
when students express gratitude on a regular basis, it increases
positive emotions toward themselves and toward others. An
interpersonal practice that we like to do is at the end of the day, we'll
have students gather in a circle to offer an appreciation for someone
or something. Open it up to an apology or talk about a social issue
that might be on their hearts. And we normalize these forms of
communication to show boys that it is perfectly human to open your
minds and your hearts to your community.
Now the third C represents community, to counter this false sense of
individualism and having to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. While
we also know that there is great value in teaching our boys the
importance of independence, it can be stymied when taken to an
extreme. And so what we do is we engage in an inquiry
process where we observe what's going on in our communities, either
locally, nationally or globally, and then pose an essential
question. One year we posed an essential question to our students
that asked, "How can we create a community where everyone feels a
sense of belonging?" Students took this question. They generated
initial thoughts. They sought multiple perspectives from their peers,
their teachers, community leaders. And then they came back to us
and said, "We'd like to address homelessness in Seattle." We loved
this idea. And so we partnered with a local construction company to
design, build and donate a tiny house. Now what we realized is
through this community learning process, students felt a greater
sense of satisfaction with studying, taking academic risks and just
valuing the overall learning process. In addition, students felt more
comfortable taking on leadership roles inside and outside of the
classroom.

One thing to note that in each of these three C's the adults involved
modeled this new version of masculinity to prove to students that they
don't have to fit into a stereotype. And while I'm often impressed by
the vulnerability and kindness of each of my students, it's still a middle
school. It's this liminal space between childhood and adulthood. And
amongst our sophisticated conversations, there's a lot of nonsensical
humor. And very few of them have taken up regular usage of
deodorant.
And I know that this is lifelong work and there's no quick fix, but they
show me that a better future is possible. What if masculinity meant
having a healthy and balanced confidence, communicating clearly,
being connected to your community? Just imagine how different our
world would be. My students don't even show me that this future is
possible, but this future is here, with middle school boys leading the
way.
Thank you.