5 PRINCIPLES FOR LISTENING WITH CURIOSITY

LISTENING WITH THE INTENTION TO UNDERSTAND RATHER THAN TO FIX CAN SET YOU
APART AS AN EFFECTIVE COUNSELOR.

Understanding that someone is coming to you not just to hear what you know, but primarily
to share their life. Listening with curiosity will help you to discover what your client really
needs from you.

LISTEN WITH CURIOSITY TO UNDERSTAND:

1. The purpose of why they are sharing their story.

The effectiveness lies in understanding why someone came to you for guidance and advice. Is
it because they want specific direction, a list of tasks, rules and guidelines, or is it because
you can support them with encouraging words, and optimism when they may have lost
confidence? Don’t make assumptions about the reasons they have come to you, but be
curious and explore so you can give them with what they need.

2. Their values and interests.

Engage with the client so that you can understand what they value most. You can then
connect desired health behaviors that will bring them closer to their passions making it
easier for them to value the healthy change.

3. Their feelings and emotions.

Understanding individual’s authentic emotions regarding their health or about health

behavior change is important for you as a counselor. If they are showing excitement and joy
for their new health adventure, your role will be different from someone that may be more
apathetic about their desire to change. Learning about how someone feels about making
healthy changes allows for you to adjust your approach and meet your client where they are
at. The expectation that everyone will be excited to change will lead to disappointment.

Individuals may want to express with words what they are feeling about their health, but
others may not be upfront with their feelings and emotions. Be observant to see how non-
verbal body language may tell you about their excitement, discouragement, hopefulness,
fears or sadness.

4. Their hopes and desires.

Listening intently about someone’s hopes and desires allows for you to understand their
ultimate goals and how to manage their expectations. You can better guide your client to
understand the balance between the short game and long game. Your client may hope for
big changes very quickly and want it to last a lifetime. But as practitioners, we understand
that focusing the client on the long game will be in their best interest. You are a guide with
the goal of helping them to appreciate the journey on the way to their destinations.

5. Their uniqueness.

Listen with curiosity to learn about an individual's strengths and their perspective. Since we
all have unique points of view, it is important to try to look through the unique lens of your
client, rather than trying to get them to look through yours. It is crucial that we don’t assume
that we all have the same tools, same resources, same desires, or same hopes. Allow for
others to be themselves and find their healthy self within their own view of the world.
Power of Active Listening

Mark Quinn

Roy T. Bennett once said, "Listen with curiosity, speak with honesty, act with integrity." These
words hold a key to unlocking the true potential of our interactions.

The Impact of Active Listening

When we listen with curiosity, we create a space for meaningful connections and deeper
comprehension. In a world where many are listening to reply, active listening becomes a
powerful tool for fostering understanding and empathy.

As we return to work or school, it becomes evident that active listening is often overlooked.
Lessons that are meant to be captured through active listening are not connecting with
participants. However, we believe that active listening can be taught and cultivated over
time. It requires patience, practice, and a supportive environment.

Modeling Active Listening

One of the most effective ways to teach active listening is through modeling. By
demonstrating active listening in our conversations, we show others how to engage fully and
attentively. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, using appropriate facial expressions, and
providing verbal cues are all essential elements of active listening.

Creating opportunities for participants to engage in conversations where active listening is

practiced can be transformative. By actively listening and responding thoughtfully, we build
trust and encourage others to do the same.

‫ مقترح من‬LinkedIn
Effective Techniques to Improve Your Active Listening…

Robert G. ‫شهر‬٩ ‫قبل‬

5 Types of Listening: How to Be a Better Communicator

Arootah ‫ أعوام‬١ ‫قبل‬

Master the Art of Listening: Enhance Your Professional…

Anthony Laye ‫شهر‬١ ‫قبل‬

Building a Culture of Active Listening

To truly embed active listening into our daily interactions, we must create a supportive
environment where it is valued and celebrated. Recognizing and acknowledging instances
where participants demonstrate excellent active listening skills is crucial. A simple statement
of appreciation, such as "I like how you..." can go a long way in reinforcing the importance of
active listening.

We must also remind participants to be kind to themselves during the learning process.
Active listening is a skill that develops with practice and patience. By celebrating their growth
as they become more proficient active listeners, we encourage them to continue honing this
valuable skill.

Applying Active Listening Concepts

As we work through our sessions, it is essential to consider the training or concepts being
explored and choose when and where to incorporate active listening. By integrating active
listening into various aspects of our interactions, we reinforce its value and provide
opportunities for participants to practice regularly.

Highlighting the benefits of active listening and what can be gained from it is crucial. By
emphasizing the positive impact it has on relationships, understanding, and personal growth,
we motivate individuals to embrace active listening as a way of life.

Conclusion: The Power of Curiosity

In conclusion, active listening is a transformative skill that has the power to enhance our
communication and relationships. By listening with curiosity, we open ourselves up to
deeper connections and a greater understanding of others.
As we continue on our journey of self-improvement, let us remember the words of Roy T.
Bennett: "Listen with curiosity, speak with honesty, act with integrity." By embodying these
principles and actively practicing active listening, we can make a difference in our own lives
and the lives of those around us.

‘Be interested, be curious, hear what’s not said’: how I learned to really listen to people

This article is more than 3 years old

Being a good listener isn’t just about shutting up and not interrupting – it’s about really
taking in what someone is telling you

Annalisa Barbieri

Sat 24 Jul 2021 06.00 BST

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When I was a young girl, a fabulous woman called Pam who lived opposite us would come to
do my mum’s hair once a week. Pam was a retired hairdresser and beautician who had been
taught partly by Vivien Leigh’s mother.
I knew this because I listened as she and my mother talked. My mum would sit under the
stand hairdryer with wads of cotton wool curling out from under her hairnet to protect her
ears from the heat, and Pam would talk and talk: about Margaret Thatcher (my mum wasn’t
a fan); their early lives (Pam’s in Yorkshire, my mum’s in Naples); and about life up and down
the London street where we all lived.

This arrangement started when I was about eight and continued until I left home aged 22. I
would sit at the dining-room table reading the Woman’s Own problem pages, stealing the
biscuits my mum had put out for Pam, all the while observing how, so often, neither woman
really listened to the other. My mother would wait for gaps in the conversation so she could
say, “Exactly”, and then launch into her own, often unrelated, anecdote. I saw all the
information missed like dropped balls: wasted opportunities for further exploration. My
father was rarely present at these meets, but on the occasions he was there, he’d raise one
eyebrow towards me in a knowing look.

As a child, I lacked the words to say how I felt, and often got shut down

Throughout my teens, I noticed how rarely people asked questions. Over many meals and
catchups, I would watch as family members interrupted and road-blocked conversations,
sending the chat on a detour that became all about them. We have one well-known culprit in
the family: I can count on the fingers of a mitten how often, in the two decades we’ve known
him, he asks anybody anything about themselves. As a child, I lacked the words to explain
the way I felt, and was often shut down. Thus observing how not to do it, I resolved to be
different.

It was only when I was appointed the Guardian’s agony aunt in 2008 that I realised I still had
a lot to learn. As part of the process of replying to readers’ letters, I would invite specialists
(usually therapists) to work with me on compiling the answers. I was greedy for their insights
into human behaviour, and soon learned that the basis of every problem I received was
communication in some shape or form.

Listening, I discovered, wasn’t just about waiting for the other person to stop talking, or
asking good questions, or even not interrupting. It was about really hearing what the other
person was saying, and why they were saying it. Being interested, but also curious.
Sometimes that means looking for what’s not said, what’s left out, which words are used to
mask emotions that are hard to acknowledge. Likewise, good listening is about approaching
what has been said as if you’ve never heard it before. Put simply, it’s about paying attention.

Listening is a skill that we could all do with sharpening. After all, for the past year, many of us
have been conducting friendships and relationships entirely via social media or text message
and email. It’s not like real life. You don’t have to concentrate as much; you can switch off
and return to things when you want: it’s an intermittent transmit and, you hope, receive.
Real-time listening is different. For a new podcast series, I revisited trusted experts who have
been part of my column for the last 13 years, asking them to distil their wisdom in a series of
intimate conversations. At the core of all of them? The art of listening.

Becoming an advice columnist changed me within a few weeks. Just after starting the job, my
eldest went to primary school, and life suddenly got more complicated. She was “acting up”,
as the books would put it: being stroppy. I thought I was listening to her, but I was in a panic
– I was tired, I was pregnant, and I thought the correct response was to descend into parent
cliche mode, saying things such as, “Don’t you speak to me like that” and, “Who do you think
you’re talking to?” These weren’t phrases I normally used, but I’ve since learned that when
stressed, we often revert to what we’ve heard before; what we know. Then I remembered
what I’d learned that week, talking to a child psychotherapist: listen to what you can’t hear.
What might her actions be telling me? When I zoned in on those, I realised that school
hadn’t turned her into a brat (my fear) but that she was worried and anxious.

So instead of berating her, I said: “It sounds as if you’ve had a really hard day. Would you like
a cuddle?” “Yes, Mummy,” she said, suddenly soft and less furious as she burst into tears. If
you don’t listen to children, even when they are being “difficult”, the negative feelings they
experience won’t go away. They’ll just stop bringing them to you.

The mistake a lot of us make is filling the silence with our own anecdotes, offering platitudes
or, worse, cliches

Just a few weeks later, my daughter was telling me about a problem she had. I was five
minutes into a prescriptive list of what she should and shouldn’t do, embellished with my
own stories to reinforce the points, when I caught her face. She was keen to listen, but I
could tell I wasn’t giving her what she needed. I remembered another child psychotherapist
telling me that children wanted fewer solutions, and more empathy. Recognising and naming
a child’s feelings (in fact, anyone’s) was crucial. “That sounds like a really hard day,” I said,
inwardly thinking how insubstantial it sounded, “and I can see how sad it’s made you.” “It
was!” she said, beaming. “And I was.” And off she went. Could it really be that simple? Not
always, but as a strategy it’s more powerful than you think.

The psychotherapist I’ve spoken to most often for my columns is Chris Mills, a specialist in
relationships. I’ve always been impressed with his ability to hear not simply what I’m saying,
but what I can’t hear myself (or, in the case of the column, what the reader is saying but
hasn’t acknowledged). He taught me that allowing a tiny silence after someone has spoken
can enable them to say that bit more. Try it: resist saying something immediately after
someone has stopped speaking and just do a gentle, mental, count to 10.

But listening is not about remaining resolutely silent. If it goes on too long, silence can make
things awkward. The mistake a lot of people make (myself included) is filling the silence with
their own anecdotes, offering platitudes or, worse, cliches (“Everything happens for a
reason” should be struck from the annals of mankind. Ditto: “What doesn’t kill you makes
you stronger”). Offering up the, “Oh, that happened to me/someone I know, too” stories
seems empathic, and they do have their place if they’re short, reinforcing the point your
companion was making before you return to the original subject. But doing this without
thought is called “shifting”, because you hijack the conversation and turn it on to you. The
other person can feel shut down.

Instead, try supporting them, using responses such as, “That sounds tough”, “How did that
make you feel?” or, “What a lot you have on”. I used to think these were lightweight, until
once, after a high-stress day during which people tried to be sympathetic but actually offered
me lists of what I should do, my Italian cousin simply responded to my text with one word:
“Capisco” (I understand). I felt seen, heard, understood. Ever since, I’ve never forgotten the
power of the short answer.
In well-worn conversations, often between couples, listening can falter, because you think
you’ve heard it all before (“Oh, not this again”). Learning to listen as if the information is new
is useful for hearing things differently and even, perhaps, making progress. Remember: a
person saying the same thing over and over again is probably doing so because they don’t
feel heard.

Listening is catching. If you feel listened to, it connects you to that other person, and those
bonds grow

The way information is delivered can also facilitate how well it’s heard. Anger often
overshadows detail so it’s less about the message than the mode of delivery. If you make
someone feel defensive they will rarely hear what you are saying, because little information
is traded and certainly no progress is made when both parties are defending their positions.
My very first (personal) therapist, the one I went to when I was barely out of my teens,
was Gabrielle Rifkind. She’s now a non-conflict resolution expert. She taught me how to look
at things afresh: it is about letting someone see your vulnerable side, and being receptive
enough to allow your conversation partner to do the same. Compassion, it seems, is an ideal
listening companion.

Listening, as the psychoanalyst Avi Shmueli taught me, is also about looking beyond catch-all,
overused masking words such as “fine” and “horrible”. We use these words a lot, but they
don’t actually describe feelings. Watch out for them in conversation and, if it’s appropriate,
dig a little deeper. What does your partner mean when they say they’ve had a horrible day?
What are you not saying when you say, “I’m fine”? What emotions could you replace those
words with?

The child and adolescent psychotherapist Rachel Melville-Thomas taught me something else
when we recorded a podcast episode called The Wonder Of The Teenage Brain. Teenagers
interpret neutral faces as negative, she explained, no matter what’s coming out of your
mouth. With that age group, it’s important not only to listen to them in all the ways
described above, but to check on what they’ve actually heard. Teenagers also wait until you
are busy doing something else to tell you important things – it’s done on purpose, so it’s not
too intense. This is why big subjects can come out when you’re not making eye contact –
such as when you’re driving, walking, or trying to cook dinner.
Why I’m glad that I’m an ‘overthinker’

Read more

“This is all very well,” you may be thinking, “but who is listening to me?” I understand this.
Not being listened to is to not be seen; after a while you feel stymied, shrunken.
Unfortunately, you can’t make someone else listen to you. But I have learned that someone
repeatedly not listening to you can be a form of control. As a child, I used to make adults look
at me by physically moving their chins towards me. It’s not socially acceptable to do that as
an adult, and, anyway, it’s no guarantee of being heard. If you do feel unheard, a good first
step is to sit with the other person and say (always use “I” statements): “I feel we sometimes
miss important details from each other. How do you feel about it?”

So has more than a decade of answering your questions and consulting the very best experts
made me the mother of all listeners? Nope. But I do really try. Perhaps the most important
thing I’ve learned is to listen to myself: that inner voice, my instinct, to listen to what I need
and how someone makes me feel. I used to think that if I couldn’t tell someone they weren’t
habitually listening to me, it was because I sensed a frailty in them. Mills taught me that,
actually, it’s about frailty in the relationship itself. That alone was worth hearing.

The good news is that listening is catching. If you feel listened to, it connects you to that
other person, and those bonds grow. They, one hopes, will listen to you in turn. It was only
after my dad died that I realised just how much he listened to me, and how valuable that
was. He never paid me compliments, but he heard me, which is perhaps the greatest
compliment of all.

Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri, Series 1, is available here.

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Curiosity Is Critical and Helps You Listen!

Few consider listening a critical leadership skill, much less one of the most essential skills for
life and relationships. Curiosity will help!

When leadership is aligned primarily with persuasion and charisma, you won't hear anything
about the most underrated leadership skill - listening!

Most people have trouble listening. Why is listening so important? Without it, you have
much less of an opportunity to see inside another person's mind. And, when you
combine asking questions – the most powerful leadership skill – you have an unbeatable
combination to understand people and situations better.
Curiosity Makes A Big Difference

While it isn't a math formula, there is a realistic formula for listening. Curiosity is one of the
three parts of the formula. It is the leverage point to help you move from defensiveness,
"making everything about ME," to openness and learning.

Look at the chart below and notice the yellow highlighted portion in the middle. It says,
"Choose curiosity about the other person's perspective." That is the tipping point for moving
away from defensiveness because it helps you move away from thinking only about
yourself.

Curiosity helps you change your behavior rather than defend it.

Try it and see what difference it makes for you when you feel your defensiveness increasing.

Curiosity Is the Spark

It is easy to assume that listening happens because you can equate listening with hearing.
Sounds enter the ear naturally, even without your choice. That makes it easy to think that
listening doesn't require skill and development like speaking with clarity and persuasion.

Of course, that is why most people value speaking more than listening. Both are extremely
important for leaders, but you will seldom see listening raised to the level of importance that
we place on it.

Listening does not need to involve sound. How does that happen? Do you "listen" to your
conscience? I hope you do. Can you listen to what you are reading, even when you aren't
speaking a word? Do you listen to your thoughts and assess your feelings?

That is why solitude, quietness, or meditation is so important. When you take the time to
listen to what is going on inside of you, it can help you remove the bad and emphasize the
good.

Curiosity Is the Spark - Humility Is the KEY

It may help you, like it did me, to consider listening as a formula.

The 3-part formula is shown in the video picture above. For some people, curiosity may be
the critical element. I believe Humility is the essential element, but if you are willing to be
curious about the other person, that can be an entry point to listening.

If you have read other GR8 Leaders' blogs, you know how much we focus on values. Despite
listing only Humility in the formula, listening impacts or is impacted by all the values.

You demonstrate self-governance when you listen, need humility to listen, often make a
sacrifice of time and energy to listen, limit your freedom to speak and accept the reality that
others are free to speak, value others enough to listen and benefit the most when listening
to and sharing truth and reality.

So, here is how we see the formula.

 Humility is the KEY – “Will I make this about them, not ME?”

 Focus is the FUEL – “Will I pay attention to them?”

 Curiosity is the SPARK – “Will I be curious about how they think?”

 Listening is the RESULT – “Do I see what they see?”

Try It and See What You Learn

Find something that tells you to start using that formula. For me and many people, it is eye
contact – deciding to look directly at someone is my signal to listen.

When a conversation is more than just “small talk,” I purposely make good eye contact with
them, which reminds me that this conversation is not about me (Humility). It reminds me
that it is time to focus on what they say and be curious about what they are thinking. That
helps me not only listen but also ask better questions.

Spend some time thinking about the formula for listening, then start the discipline of
listening like a GR8 Leader.