HAVING PROBLEMS WITH

YOUR
TEMPER?

IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF

SOME SUPPORT, THIS
SELF-HELP BOOK CAN
HELP YOU COPE BETTER
WITH IRRITABILITY & ANGER.

A BETTER YOU, FOR A

BRIGHTER
TOMORROW
 ANGER & IRRITABILITY CONTENTS
SELF-HELP BOOKLET
Section 1:  3-6 Section 6:  34 - 37
··About anger ··Problem solving

Section 2:  7 - 11 Section 7:  38 - 42
··What triggers anger? ··Communication

Section 3:  12 - 18 Section 8:  43 - 44
··Anger and the body ··Putting a lid on it

Section 4:  19 - 26 Section 9:  45
··Anger and thinking ··Wellbeing resources

Section 5:  27 - 33
··Anger and behaviour

This self-help booklet is divided into nine This booklet aims to help you deal with your anger using
techniques from a well-established psychological treatment
sections which provide you with a better known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
understanding of anger. It gives you the
There are various exercises throughout this booklet to help you
chance to find out what anger is, how it understand your anger and to help you learn ways of controlling it.
affects you and what keeps it going. Most Like any new skill, it may take a bit of time and practice before you
importantly, it helps you to learn how to notice any changes in the way you feel.

control your anger. The exercises are identified by ‘Stop & Think’. To gain the most
from these, it is important that you take some time to think about
the questions asked and to complete the exercises.

It may be that it takes several readings before you start to write

things down. That’s OK, just take your time. It is helpful to read
each section thoroughly before moving on to the next.

Praise yourself for every step you take.

1 2
 WHAT IS ANGER?
Anger is one of the most basic human emotions which means that
SECTION 1: we all feel irritated, frustrated or angry from time to time. We can
ABOUT ANGER experience anger when we feel threatened or insulted. We can also
get angry when things do not turn out the way we want, when we
feel let down by someone or when we are denied something we
believe we are entitled to. Sometimes, it is poor communication and
misunderstandings which lead to outbursts of anger.

Anger is often accompanied by other emotions like guilt, shame,

disappointment, resentment, frustration, sadness or anxiety. These
emotions can be difficult to express, so often anger appears first.
Anger can take many forms from simple irritation, to feeling furious
and aggressive. We can express anger by making criticisms, swearing,
screaming, shouting, destroying objects or even physically assaulting
others. Sometimes, we are unsure how to communicate our anger and
we keep quiet while seething inside.

Let’s look at some examples. Billy, 19. Billy comes home and
Do you have a problem with anger? Liz, 43. Liz comes back his girlfriend Megan asks to go
tired from work to find her along with him and his friends
If you answer ‘yes’ to any of the questions below it is likely that you neighbours upstairs having to the pub. Billy really loves his
are experiencing problems with anger. a party. It continues through girlfriend but he also likes some
the night and they seem to be time on his own with his mates
• Do you get wound up and • Does it take you a long time getting louder. Liz struggles to and would rather spend time with
annoyed by the slightest thing? to calm down after you sleep and finds herself becoming her another night. He feels she
become angry? agitated. She thinks to herself is too clingy and is suffocating
• Do you often lose your temper? “bunch of idiots, they are doing it him. Billy says to Megan “If you
• Are you worried about on purpose”. She turns her TV on want to.” and then spends the
• Do you often say hurtful things your anger? really loud and spends the rest rest of the night in the pub in a
to people you love? of the night thinking of ways to bad mood. Megan does not know
• Do you use alcohol or drugs to get revenge. what she has done wrong.
• Are you physically cope with your anger?
aggressive towards objects or John, 65. John is on the phone Julia, 34. Julia is looking at
other people? • Are others scared of you? to his gas provider as he has pictures of her dad and his new
received a final demand for a family on Facebook. She thinks
• Does anger cause you • Has someone else told
bill he has already paid. He is they look happy which is in stark
problems at home or work? you to do something about
put on hold and when he finally contrast with her miserable
your anger?
• Do you find it hard to let gets through to someone he is childhood. She remembers how
things go? very angry at having to wait so her dad was never like that with
long and for being asked lots her and her mum. She feels
This self-help booklet can help you to deal with your anger in a of questions. He starts to shout unloved and angry at people she
healthy and constructive way. and the advisor tells him to calm hasn’t even met. “I must have not
down. John is so angry he bangs been good enough” she thinks, and
down the phone. throws the iPad across the room.

3 4
You will have your own triggers for feeling angry and learning what Associations
they are will be one of the aims of this booklet. Being in control of Sometimes, it is a particular situation that can trigger feelings of
your anger and expressing it in a healthy way can be a useful means anger in us. If you got angry in a specific situation in the past (e.g.
of saying how we feel about things. at school, in a traffic jam, or in the supermarket) it is likely that next
time you find yourself in a similar situation you will feel angry again.
CAN ANGER BE HELPFUL? For example, imagine you are someone who has struggled with
Anger is a powerful emotion and if used in an inappropriate schoolwork and felt angry with teachers for correcting and criticising
manner it can be a destructive force. However, anger can also be you in front of the whole class. It is quite likely that, every time you
extremely useful, helping our survival and self-defence instincts. go to school now to speak to your child’s teachers about their own
difficulties, you will become agitated and angry about it because of
Anger can be a natural response to being threatened, attacked,
your past experiences.
treated unfairly or disrespected.
Vicious circle
Anger which is expressed in a constructive way can help us find a It may also be that getting angry on a daily basis helps you to achieve
solution to a problem and build something positive. People who your goals. For example, you might have learnt at some point that
cannot express their anger can find it difficult to stand up for yelling at your staff makes them scared of losing their job and
themselves. Getting angry can motivate us to say no to things we do makes them work more effectively. Or, you might have discovered
not accept and can help us to express our opinions. Anger can also be that shouting at your children when they misbehave makes them
helpful when we look for support from others to back up a cause we quiet and obedient. In both of these situations your anger is being
believe in and it can motivate others to act. rewarded as you achieve your goals. Importantly, this does not mean
that your anger is helpful.
Importantly, anger can also become a problem. Unhealthy anger
is over the top, lasts for too long and has a negative impact on our Fight or flight
life. It can damage our relationships with others and even put others When we feel stressed or threatened, our body undergoes a series
at risk. It can also cause serious problems at work affecting our of changes as a result of the ‘fight or flight’ response. ‘Fight or flight’
performance. It often makes us feel bad about ourselves. is an old survival mechanism that helps us to prepare ourselves for
action. Our heart starts beating faster, our breathing rate goes up, our
WHY AM I ANGRIER THAN OTHERS? muscles tense and we sweat excessively. Our bodies are preparing
It can be difficult to pinpoint the exact reason behind why some to fight or flee. We do not always find this helpful in modern-day
people are angrier than others. Very often, no easy answer exists. situations and may need to learn to calm our bodies down.
The way you respond to various situations is shaped by a number
of complex factors such as your past experiences, your current Rather than dwelling on why you are the way you are, it can be more
environment and your unique genetic make-up. helpful to focus on ways to communicate and manage your emotions
in a healthy way.
Early experiences
It is possible that the way you were brought up made you more likely
to react with anger to difficult situations. As children, we learn how
to behave by observing and modelling people in our environment
including our parents and carers. The messages we receive from
others shape our behaviours later as adults. If, as a child, you witness
aggression, or family members using their temper in response to
stressful events, you might grow up thinking that this is a helpful way
to deal with things.

5 6
 If you want to deal with your anger better, you can start by
identifying what triggers your anger and noticing when you
SECTION 2: become angry.

WHAT TRIGGERS ANGER?

STOP & THINK
What triggers your anger? Every time you feel angry,
try to identify the situation that triggered it and write it
down in the box below.

THINGS THINGS HAPPENING INSIDE US

HAPPENING OUTSIDE e.g. thoughts, worries, memories

What triggers your anger?

Things that we get angry about often happen in day to day life. It
can be a traffic jam that we are stuck in on Monday mornings, or
having to wait in a long queue. Situations that we might get angry
about include:
• frustrating situations • stress (e.g. work overload,
(e.g. running late, your partner moving house)
leaving dirty plates)
• problems with others
• financial problems (e.g. your child being stubborn)
(e.g. gas bill going up) EARLY WARNING SIGNS
• injustice Knowing the early warning signs can also be helpful.
• practical problems (e.g. being treated unfairly) These may include:
(e.g. not having enough
time to do things) • abuse (e.g. physical, • tension in your body • becoming very angry in a
emotional or financial) short period of time
• shallow breathing
We can also get angry about the things that come from inside • racing heart • "sizing up" another person
us, such as the way we think about ourselves (our self-esteem), • feeling a ‘red mist’ • losing sense of humour
worries about personal problems or memories from the past that • raising your voice
are difficult to accept and provoke angry feelings in you.
Some of these situations you might be able to manage better by STOP & THINK
forward planning or problem solving (e.g. leaving the house earlier, Think about warning signs for your anger.
or prioritising urgent tasks).

7 8
 WHAT KEEPS ANGER GOING?
Look at the picture below, it illustrates the ABC model of anger.
A stands for anger trigger – something that sets your anger off.
Beliefs
B stands for your beliefs about anger and getting angry, “They do this to
bodily sensations including your feelings, and behaviours when annoy me. They are
disrespectful.”
you are angry.
C stands for consequences – things that happen as a result of
your behaviours. Importantly, beliefs, body sensations and Behaviours Consequences
Anger trigger
behaviours are closely connected and can affect each other Turning the volume Poor relationship
Party at the up, shouting at the with the
keeping anger going. neighbours neighbours neighbours, feeling
uncomfortable
around them

Body
Tense
Headache
Angry
Beliefs

Anger trigger Behaviours Consequences Liz got angry as her neighbours were playing loud music which
kept her awake. While it is understandable that Liz got annoyed
about the noise, it is important to notice that dwelling on it and
seeking revenge made her feel worse and affected the relationship
with her neighbours. A more helpful thing to do for Liz would be
to try to stay calm and come up with solutions that would make
Body her feel better and allow her to sleep e.g. she could use a pair of
earplugs that night or she could talk to her neighbours and ask
them to turn the music down.

It is important to note that it is not others or outside events that

cause our anger, it is our interpretation of the events that makes
Let’s look at Liz’s example. us feel angry. In order to keep us on the right track our brain
Liz comes back home after all day at work to find that her upstairs constantly weighs up situations to see if they are good or bad, safe
neighbours are having a loud party. She decides to have a relaxing or unsafe. How we see situations has an impact on how we feel. For
bath before going to bed, but all she can hear are beats of the music example, if we think a situation is dangerous we are likely to feel
and loud voices. Liz believes her neighbours are playing loud music afraid. If we think we have been treated unfairly or with no respect
to annoy her. She feels disrespected and gets frustrated. She finds we are likely to get angry. One way to deal with anger better is to
herself tensing and can feel her heart beating faster. As she can’t fall learn how to interpret stressful situations in a more helpful way.
asleep she decides to take revenge and turn on TV at full volume.
She soon realises that it doesn’t solve the situation. She now has a
headache and can’t sleep. Next morning, she sees and shouts at her
neighbours on the street and threatens them with the police.

9 10
 STOP & THINK
Try to figure out your own cycle of anger. Think about
a specific situation that triggered your angry thoughts, SECTION 3:
bodily changes and behaviours. Write it down. ANGER AND THE BODY

Beliefs

Anger Behaviours
Consequences
trigger Anger is an emotion which triggers a
release of adrenaline - a hormone that
turns on the ‘fight or flight’ response.
‘Fight or flight’ helps to prepare our body
to fight back or run away from physical
Body threats. It does this by starting a number of
bodily changes including rapid breathing
and the heart beating faster.
The changes we experience in our body are meant to be protective
and help us to deal with a threat. In the past, such response was
useful when we needed to protect ourselves from predators we
encountered during hunting or gathering food. In modern days,
situations we see as threatening are quite different and include
things like work overload, relationship difficulties or financial
problems. Bodily changes that occur as a result of ‘fight or flight’
can be unhelpful in dealing with these situations, making us angrier
and steering us away from a good solution.

11 12
 BODILY CHANGES The ‘fight or flight’ response is common to everyone and this is
why most of us experience some physical sensations when we get
angry. Let’s look at the explanation behind some of the physical
STOP & THINK symptoms of anger.
There are number of changes that happen in your
body when you angry. Think about the changes you • Heart beating stronger and faster – The heart is pumping more
experience and tick the right boxes. blood to the muscles in arms and legs which are important if
you want to fight or flee. More blood carries more oxygen which
allows muscles to work harder. Blood pressure increases.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS YES NO • Tingling and hot flushes - The blood supply is limited where
Fast heartbeat it is not needed e.g. in toes or fingers. This is why our skin
looks pale, feels cold and our fingers and toes experience tingling
or numbness. We might also experience hot flushes as our
Tingling/numbness bodies are working hard and our body temperature increases.
• Rapid and shallow breathing - Rapid breathing helps us to
Looking pale take in more oxygen which helps our muscles to work harder.
However, when our body is at rest and our breathing becomes
rapid, we end up breathing in more oxygen than our body needs.
Breathlessness This can cause breathlessness, a sensation of choking and even
pains or tightness in the chest.

Dizziness • Dizziness - Rapid breathing means that less oxygen reaches

your head. While this is not dangerous, it produces unpleasant
symptoms such as dizziness and confusion.
Blurry vision
• Muscle tension/headache - Muscles tense up in preparation
for fight or flight which results in feelings of tension, aches,
Feeling sick trembling and shaking.
• Nausea & dry mouth – The digestive system shuts down
meaning your stomach becomes less active causing nausea
Dry mouth
and a heavy feeling. You also produce less saliva which causes a
dry mouth.
Sweating • Sweating - Your body works hard to prepare you to attack or run
away which causes your body to heat up. Sweating helps you to
cool down.
Muscle tension

Shaking/trembling

13 14
 Let’s look at John’s example. CONTROLLED BREATHING
John receives a bill from his gas company informing him of a late Anger can change the way you breathe. You might start taking
payment fee if he doesn’t pay the bill within next seven days. John quicker and shallower breaths. You might find yourself out of
gets a bit annoyed as he has sent them a cheque about a week ago. breath or might feel you need to gulp air. You might think you are
Speaking aloud to himself about how useless the company is, he not getting enough air and that you are at risk of suffocating.
calls the helpline and he is put on hold. He can see himself getting
agitated and starts sweating. His breathing becomes shallow. After Taking quick and shallow breaths often leads to overbreathing
about 15 minutes John finally gets to speak to an advisor who asks (also called hyperventilation). Overbreathing simply means you
him lots of questions. John gets so angry he starts shouting at the are taking in too much oxygen for your own needs. Too much
advisor for being unhelpful and taking up his time and money. The oxygen in your body leads to many uncomfortable symptoms such
conversation isn’t going anywhere and John bangs down the phone. as dizziness, a feeling of choking and chest pains. As a result you
What John does not know is that his cheque got lost in the post. He might feel very tense.
decides not to call them ever again. Next week, he receives another When you find yourself breathing too quickly you need to follow
bill with the added late payment fee. the steps below. They will help you to calm down and control your
breathing. If you want be able to use this technique when you feel
angry you would need to practise these steps on a daily basis.

Beliefs Steps to calm down your breathing

“They are useless. • Sit in a comfy chair and relax as much as you can.
They are wasting
my time.” • Breathe in through your nose and count 1 2 3
• Allow your breathing to slow down

Behaviours • Breathe out through your nose and count 1 2 3

Anger trigger Consequences
A final Shouting, Having to pay the • To help you focus, imagine the numbers in your mind’s eye.
demand bill Banging down fee, feeling angrier
the phone • Use slow normal breathing (10-12 breaths per minute).
• Repeat for at least 5 minutes.
Body • Practise twice daily.
Sweating
Shallow breathing
Agitated
Angry TIPS FOR PRACTICE
• If possible, breathe in through your nose and breathe out
through your nose.

The physical symptoms John experienced, intensified his feeling of • If you breathe out through your mouth, pucker or ‘purse’ your
anger and made him more likely to respond in an aggressive way. lips as if you are about to whistle.
This is why it can be helpful to learn techniques which can help you
to manage the physical symptoms of anger and feel more relaxed. • Use your belly rather than your chest to breathe. Imagine you
The techniques explained below will allow you to react to your have a balloon in your belly; as you breathe in, fill the balloon
bodily changes as soon as you spot them. with air, as you breathe out let the air go.

• At first, you might find this exercise easier when lying down.

15 16
 PROGRESSIVE MUSCULAR RELAXATION DISTRACTION
A strategy that can help you to ease tension in your muscles is When you feel overwhelmed with your angry feelings you can also
called progressive muscle relaxation. It involves tensing specific use distraction which can be helpful in managing your feelings by
muscles in your body for about 5 seconds and then relaxing them. giving you some time to calm down. Below you will find several
Muscle relaxation can help you to lower the overall tension in your distraction techniques you can use when you feel angry.
body which can make your anger worse.
Counting - Count backwards from 10-1. You can also count all the
Sit or lie down. You can work from your head to toes or toes to things around you that start with a letter a, then b, then c etc.
head. Take your time, tense each muscle group for about 5 seconds.
If you begin to notice your mind wandering, bring attention back to Focusing on something or someone else – Take the focus off
your body. Practise it daily. your anger and bring your attention to what is going around you.
What and who can you see? What can you smell? What can you
Steps to relax your muscles hear? What are others doing? Take 5 minutes to notice things
• Make sure you are comfortable. • Make a fist with your left and around you.
Drop your shoulders. right hand. Notice the
tension. Relax. Imagining pleasant scenes - Shut your eyes and use your
• Start by raising your eyebrows
as high as you can and hold • Squeeze the muscles in your
imagination to take yourself to a nice, safe, relaxing place where
them in that position for upper and then lower back. you have been in the past or you would like to go to in the future.
about 5 seconds. Notice the Notice the tension. Relax. Use all your senses to picture the place. Try to notice any sounds,
tension. Then, release and smells and sights around you. Stay in there for some time and try
notice the relaxation. • Suck your stomach in. to enjoy it.
Notice the tension. Relax.
• Shut your eyes as tightly as Time out - Take yourself out of the environment where you feel
you can. Notice the • Tighten your buttocks by angry. Go and sit down in a different room or go for a stroll.
tension. Relax. pulling them together. Take a bath.
Notice the tension. Relax.
• Open your jaw as widely as OTHER WAYS OF RELAXING
you can and make a grimace. • Push your thighs against
each other. Notice the Exercise - Exercise has great benefits for both your mental and
Notice the tension. Relax.
tension. Relax. physical health. It is a healthy way to relieve stress and physical
• Now, bring your shoulders to tension. It can boost your mood and increase your confidence. It is
your ears. Notice the • Tense the muscles in your recommended that you are active for at least 30 minutes a day, 5
tension. Relax. calves by pulling your toes days a week. It can be helpful to join a gym or you might want to
towards you. Notice the try walking, cycling or jogging.
• Bend, first your right, then tension. Relax.
your left elbow tensing the Hobbies - Taking your mind off daily problems can have a calming
muscles in your arms. • Finally, curl your toes.
Notice the tension. Relax. effect on your mind. You can rediscover old hobbies or find new
Notice the tension. Relax. ones. Listening to music, reading books, watching films, knitting,
gardening, taking up a new sport – find something for you. Doing
You might want to practise the controlled breathing and things you enjoy every day is very important – it boosts your mood
progressive muscular relaxation techniques using a relaxation and helps you to relax.
track. Download a free relaxation audio file from our website
www.wellbeing-glasgow.org.uk

17 18
 Unhelpful thoughts can refer to yourself, others and also to the
anger itself. It is common for people to experience the same
SECTION 4: thoughts again and again. Let's look at some examples.

ANGER AND THINKING “I should have a say.” “I can’t stand this

any longer.”

“She disrespects me.” “She always does this.”

“He is the one to be “Everyone wants to

blamed, not me.” provoke me.”

“They are making a “He is lazy.”

fool of me.”

“I have a right to “I do not need to change

be angry.” who I am.”

“She is so irritating.” “He should know…”

STOP & THINK

Practise recognising your unhelpful thoughts. Start with
noticing changes in your mood. Whenever you notice
your mood changing, write down what is going through
Our thoughts have an impact on our mood your head at the time.
and our behaviour. Many of those thoughts
SITUATION FEELINGS & BODILY THOUGHTS
can be negative or unhelpful which can SENSATIONS
make us feel bad. e.g. queuing in the Irritated, frustrated, "If she only did her
supermarket tense, fidgety job right and hurried
It is very important to remember that our thoughts are not always up. She is useless."
true. Very often, they are based on wrong assumptions and there is
no evidence to support them. Our unhelpful thoughts can keep our
feelings of anger going and that is why challenging these thoughts
can improve our mood and help us to control our anger better.
Our thoughts are automatic which means that, very often we do
not notice them just as we do not notice the way we walk or speak.
When we feel angry we are often unaware of our angry thoughts.
Importantly, in order to challenge our thinking patterns we need
first to learn to recognise our unhelpful thoughts better.

19 20
 Thoughts we experience when we feel angry often fall under
unhelpful thinking styles. STOP & THINK
Which of the unhelpful thinking styles reflect your way
UNHELPFUL THINKING STYLES of thinking? Think about a recent situation when you
Taking things personally thought this way.
People who are angry often expect criticism from others and they
take things to heart. They can be overly sensitive and read too
UNHELPFUL THINKING STYLE MY EXAMPLE
much into what others say or do. For example, if someone they
know doesn’t say hello to them in the street, they might think “That
was so cheeky. He thinks I’m not worth knowing.”, whereas in fact, the
person might have not even noticed them.
Focusing on the negative
When we get angry we tend to focus on negative aspects of the
situation and ignore all the positives. For example, imagine Jim who
went to a meeting during which his manager thanks him for putting
a lot of hard work into the project, but also suggests some space for
improvement. Jim can feel himself getting upset and angry. For the
rest of the day he thinks to himself “I have put so much effort into the
project and he criticised me for it. I hate my job.”
‘Shoulding’ & ‘musting’
We can also get angry when we feel disappointed with ourselves
or others. Feelings of disappointment are greater if we believe in
rigid rules which tell us what we or others should do. For example,
“I must always look good.” or “My friends should always support my
views”. When we, or others, do not meet the expectations we set
we often become disappointed, hurt and angry.
‘All or nothing’ thinking
People who get angry often use words like “always” or “never”, or
see things in black and white. For example, “I never do a good job in
my work”. When it comes to solving a problem they see only one
way forward. For example, “I will never speak to you again unless you
apologise to me.”
Labelling
People who get angry often judge and label themselves, or
others, on the basis of one isolated event. Imagine you go to a
job interview but you are not offered the job. You might think to
yourself “I will never get a job. I am too stupid”. Or, you ask your
friend to pick up a parcel for you from the post office. Two days
later you find out she forgot to do it. You think “I can’t possibly rely
on her. She is useless”. Labelling ourselves and others is unhelpful. THOUGHT CHALLENGING
It not only affects our mood and confidence at the time but also Now, that you know what unhelpful thoughts are and you have
stops us from keeping a fair mind in the future. practised recognising them, you can start challenging them.

21 22
 Let’s look at Billy’s example.. What unhelpful thinking styles do Billy’s thoughts fall under?
Billy, 19. Billy comes home and his girlfriend Megan asks to go All or nothing thinking - “She never leaves me alone”.
along with him and his friends to the pub. Billy really loves his Labelling - “She is too clingy.”
girlfriend but he also likes some time on his own with his mates and
would rather spend time with her another night. He feels she never Am I expecting too much?
leaves him alone and that she is too clingy. He gets really annoyed It looks like Billy is expecting Megan to read his mind and know he
and tense. Billy says “If you want to.” and then spends the rest of the does not want her to come. Billy seems to think that Megan should
night in the pub in a bad mood. Megan does not know what she has leave him alone when he wants to be with his friends.
done wrong. She feels guilty and upset.
What would you say to a friend in a similar situation?
Billy could advise his friend to speak to his girlfriend about how he
feels about the situation. It can be helpful to let the other person
Beliefs know how you feel and also to hear other’s person point of view.
“She never leaves
me alone. She is
too clingy.” What are the consequences of thinking this way?
Billy got irritated and huffy for the rest of the night. It spoilt his fun.

Anger trigger Behaviours Consequences Is there another way of looking at this situation?
Megan wanting to Going into a Ruined night, Megan Megan has not seen Billy’s friends since Christmas and she would
come along huff, not feeling upset,
to the pub saying much relationship like to spend some time with them. The night might turn out a bit
problems different than expected, but it doesn’t mean it won’t be a good
night. The fact that Megan wants to have some fun today, doesn’t
mean she is clingy.
Body
Annoyed
Tense How will you feel about this in 5 years time?
Most likely, Billy won’t remember about this situation as it doesn’t
really matter that much.

Billy got annoyed about his girlfriend wanting to come along to the Can I do something about the situation?
pub with him and his mates. How could Billy manage his irritation If Billy’s girlfriend wants to come along and he’d prefer if she didn’t,
at this point? Rather than continue with his unhelpful thinking, he can explain this to her. It is likely that she will understand. Or, he
he could have chosen to take a step back and to challenge his can agree for her to come but also tell her that on some nights he
thoughts. He could have done that by questioning his unhelpful would like to go out by himself.
thoughts using the following questions.
You can use the same questions to challenge your own thoughts.
Billy’s unhelpful thought: “She always does it. She is too clingy.” Once you have reflected on your thoughts using these questions,
try to come up with a more accurate and balanced thought.
Is there any evidence that supports the unhelpful thought? Once your way of thinking becomes more realistic, you will find
Megan wants to come to the pub. She has been out with Billy’s it easier to manage your anger. Remember, you need to practise
friends on several occasions. noticing and challenging your thoughts to become good at
Is there any evidence suggesting that the thought might not be true? this. Over the next few weeks use this table to write down and
Megan has a free evening and would like to spend some time with Billy challenge your thoughts.
and his friends. She has not been out with Billy’s friends since Christmas.
She is unaware of how Billy feels about this.

23 24
 ANGRY EVIDENCE EVIDENCE BALANCED UNHELPFUL BELIEFS ABOUT ANGER
THOUGHT FOR AGAINST THOUGHT
Sometimes it is our beliefs about anger which stop us dealing
e.g. Megan wants to Megan has a Megan has not with a problem.
“She come to the pub. free evening and seen Billy’s
always She has been would like to friends since
does it. out with Billy’s spend some time Christmas and Common beliefs about anger include:
She is friends on with Billy and his she would like to
too clingy.” several occasions. friends. She has spend some time This is just who I am. Everyone in my family has a temper and
not been out with with them. The that's the way it has to be.
Billy’s friends night might turn While it is true that biology can play a role in how you experience
since Christmas out a bit different
and express anger, it is never too late to learn how to manage it.
and she does than expected,
not always join but it doesn’t The bottom line is, that if you have problems with your anger, you
them. Last time mean it won’t be can do something about it.
she came along, a good night. The
it turned out to fact that Megan I have a right to be angry and I have to let it out.
be a great night. wants to have While all of us experience anger from time to time, we can choose
She is unaware some fun today,
of how Billy feels doesn’t mean
how to communicate our anger to the world. As we have seen from
about this. she is clingy. If previous examples, expressing anger in an unhelpful way often
Billy prefers to leads to feeling worse and it can have negative consequences. A
go on his own, healthier option would be to learn how to control your anger and
he can talk to her how to express your angry feelings in an open way. Expressing
about this. your anger in a calm, yet firm manner makes you feel in control.

My anger makes others respect me.

It may be that anger has worked for you in the past, e.g. you have
got people to do what you wanted. However there is a risk that
people may feel threatened and label you as a “bully”, or someone
may become as angry as you and this could lead to a greater
conflict. You are more likely to gain others’ respect by behaving
assertively rather than aggressively.

25 26
 Sulking/Huffing
When people do not get what they want, or when someone does
SECTION 5: not agree with them they often get sulky or they go in a huff. They
might withdraw, become silent and resentful. They might stay in
ANGER AND BEHAVIOUR their house in a sulk, or they might walk off in a huff. Some people
can become cynical and criticise everything and everyone, but still
do not express their anger openly. It is not uncommon for these
people to get frustrated with their inability to express anger, which
can then lead to low mood.

Getting aggressive
Some people deal with anger by becoming aggressive. They
might get verbally abusive by swearing, shouting, yelling and
threatening others. They often use dramatic words and exaggerate
the impact someone's action had on them. They might also get
physically aggressive - throw and kick things or assault others. Very
often, people who are being attacked also get angry. It is worth
Things we do when we are angry are often remembering that anger fuels anger and makes things worse.
very unhelpful and can have damaging Walking away from the situation and allowing things to calm down
can be much better option.
consequences on our personal and
professional life. Drinking/drugs
Using alcohol to deal with difficult situations can have a damaging
effect on your life. Alcohol can make you less likely to cope and
What do we do when we get angry? control your angry behaviours. It can also have a negative effect
on your feelings and it can lead to low mood and anxiety. Some
Doing nothing at all people believe that alcohol helps them to sleep. In fact, alcohol can
Sometimes, people who get angry do nothing at all and avoid affect the quality of your sleep leaving you feeling groggy the next
dealing with the problem. They do not know how to express their day. Drinking too much and too often can lead to addiction.
anger so they decide to keep quiet even though they are seething
inside. They get annoyed when others try to discuss it with them. Using drugs to cope with stress makes you less likely to face your
Usually, the angry feelings get bottled up inside and come out problems and look for a helpful solution. Drugs also affect your
two-fold another time, often accompanied by other feelings such mood and sleep. They can damage your personal life and physical
as resentment or blame. health. Drugs are addictive and once you become dependent on
them they can be very difficult to quit due to mental and physical
Blocking it out cravings. Importantly, alcohol and drugs can heighten the physical
Some people put a lot of effort in blocking their angry thoughts symptoms of anger making you even angrier.
and feelings. Busy lifestyle, substance abuse, and working
long hours are often used to help them forget and think about If you have practised the techniques explained in the previous
something else. Eventually, they might become so frustrated that sections it is likely that you have already noticed positive changes
they stop caring what happens to them and start playing with risk. in your behaviour. Let's see what else you can do to manage your
They might self-harm to cope with their feelings. angry behaviour.

27 28
 In order to understand how unhelpful angry behaviours can be, WHAT THOUGHTS & WHAT WHAT
let's look again at Julia’s example. Julia is looking at pictures of STARTED IT? FEELINGS DID I DO HAPPENED
AFTERWARDS
her dad and his new family on Facebook. She thinks they look
happy which is in stark contrast with her miserable childhood. She e.g. Julia, “He never Threw iPad, Had to pay
remembers how her dad was never like that with her and her mum. Sunday, 14th loved us. I must rejected an for the iPad
She feels unloved and angry at people she hasn't even met. She July, looking have been not invite to a getting fixed,
at the pictures good enough.” dinner, drank felt physically
feels hurt and starts tensing up. "I must have not been good enough" of dad’s new Feeling hurt, bottle of and mentally
she thinks and throws the iPad across the room. Her friend invites family angry, tense wine, sulked worse
her for a dinner but Julia chooses instead to open a bottle of wine
and spends her evening sulking in the room. e.g. John, Friday, ”They are Shouted at Felt angrier,
18th March, useless.” an advisor, had to pay
calling a gas Getting angry, banged the the late
provider after sweating, phone down payment fee
receiving a bill shallow
Beliefs he thinks he has breathing
“He never loved us. I already paid
must have been not
good enough.”

Anger trigger Behaviours Consequences

Looking at the Throwing an iPad, Broken iPad, ruined
pictures of dad’s sulking, rejecting the night, missing out
new family invite, drinking on dinner, feeling
unwell after
drinking too
much

Body
Angry
hurt
tense

Julia’s behaviour has not only made her feel worse, but also ruined
the rest of her night. She now regrets not accepting her friend’s
invite and talking things through with her. Julia realises that, while
it is understandable how she feels about her past, the things she
does when she feels angry are not going to make her feel better.

CHANGING ANGRY BEHAVIOURS

If you want to change your angry behaviours into more helpful
ones consider following the steps below. Once you have completed your diary, reflect on each one of your
behaviours using these questions:
STEP 1
• What was unhelpful about • Did the behaviour make the
First of all, it is important that you know what it is you do when you
what you did? anger worse?
get angry. In order to become more aware of your behaviours, fill
in the diary below over the next week. If you need more space to • Did the behaviour keep the • What were the consequences
write on, find a spare sheet. anger going? of what you did?

29 30
 STEP 2 Behaviour 1.
Think about all of the other things you could do to respond to one
of the situations you recorded in the diary in a healthy manner.
How would you like to behave next time you come across a similar
situation? Make a list of other possible behaviours and choose the
best option for the future.

Let’s look at Julia’s example from the diary above. Instead of

throwing her iPad and sulking, Julia could:
• notice her physical • think about the
symptoms and feelings and consequences of throwing
reflect on the impact they her iPad and drinking a
have on her behaviour bottle of wine by herself
• do something enjoyable e.g. • go to see to her friend and Behaviour 2.
go for a walk talk about how she feels
• practise controlled breathing • talk to her dad about
& muscle relaxation her childhood
• try to think about the
situation in a different way

Julia could go for a walk and then call her friend to tell her how she
has been feeling.

Now, let’s look at John’s example. Instead of shouting and hanging

up on the advisor, he could:
• notice his early warning • deal with the problem
signs & relax later - once he is calmer Behaviour 3.

• take some time out and go • focus on things that well

for a bath went that day
• challenge his thoughts and • ask the company to call
think about the situation in a him back
different way

John could calm down before making the phone call and then ask
the advisor to call him back.

Now make your own list of different responses for each of the
angry behaviours you noted down in your diary and choose the
response you want to try out next time you become angry.

31 32
 STEP 3
It is time to try the new behaviour. After you do this, reflect on how
it went and whether you found it helpful or unhelpful. Note your SECTION 6:
observations down in the diary. Look at Julia's example.
PROBLEM SOLVING
WHAT THOUGHTS & WHAT WHAT
STARTED IT? FEELINGS DID I DO HAPPENED
AFTERWARDS
e.g. Julia, “He never Tried new Going for a walk
Sunday, 14th loved us. I must behaviour. Went cheered Julia up
July, looking have been not for a walk and and helped her
at the pictures good enough.” called a friend. to see things a
of dad’s new Feeling hurt, bit differently.
family angry, tense Talking to a
friend made her
feel less alone
and angry.

You might find it more difficult to cope

when you are faced with lots of issues that
do not seem to get any easier with time.
Struggling with ongoing problems can
make us feel worse. When we do not know
how to tackle our problems, we end up
worrying about it which affects our mood.
Situations in your life that you get angry about can be often
resolved by using problem solving techniques. It can be helpful to
know how to work through a problem in a structured way. Use the
Adopting the new behaviour will not be easy. Practise as often steps below to work through your problems.
as you can to get better at it. If one day you go back to your old
habits, do not beat yourself up, it can happen. You can stop the
unhelpful behaviours by using the techniques from this booklet.

33 34
 1) Identify your problem. 5) Choose the best solution.
Identify the problem you have. Put it into words. Try to be as Reflect on each solution and choose the best one. Think about reasons
specific as you can. 'for' and 'against' each idea. Decide which option is the best. You could
use a couple of ideas in order to solve your problem.
e.g. “My friend has borrowed £50 from me and she hasn’t paid it back.”
• I will give my friend a call and ask her to give me the money back.
2) What are the consequences of not solving the problem? I will ask her if there is anything specific that keeps her from giving
Think about what would happen if you do not solve the problem. it back. If she is struggling financially, she could pay me back in
How would it affect you? smaller amounts.

• I will get angrier. • I might end up with no extra 6) Plan your action.
cash when I need it. Now you need to plan and carry out the chosen solution. In order to
• I will not be able to stop
do that, you need to break it down and think about steps you need
thinking about it. • I might stop talking to
to take. This will help you to put the solution into practice. Make sure
my friend. your steps are clear and manageable.
• I might never get my
money back. • I might fall out with her. • I will call my friend on • If she tells me she is struggling
Saturday as we are both off financially I will offer her the
3) What are the benefits of solving the problem? work that day. option to pay me back in
Think about why it would be good to solve the problem. What will smaller amounts.
you gain? • I will ask her for my money and
I can ask her if there is anything • I will explain to her that I
• I will have one less worry. • I will have my money back. stopping her from giving it was getting a bit worried,
• I will feel less angry. • I will know for the future that
back to me. but I don’t want that to affect
our friendship
problems can be solved.
• Our friendship won’t 7) Put it into action.
be affected. Carry out your plan step by step allowing yourself enough time to do
it. Stick to the plan and give yourself a pat on the back for completing
4) Come up with possible solutions. each step. You can do it.
Now, think about how you could solve the problem. Write down as
many solutions as you can, no matter how good or bad they might 8) Review
seem at the time. How did you solve the problem in the past? How Reflect on how good or bad your solution was. Did it work? You might
would you like it to be solved? Ask your friends or family members need to adjust it or choose a different solution altogether. Talk to your
for their ideas. friends if you feel stuck.
• I can forget the whole thing; I • I can call her, accuse her
“I called my friend on Saturday as planned. I felt slightly uncomfortable
don’t want to fall out with her. of stealing and make her asking about the money, but the feeling passed as soon as we started
feel guilty. talking about it. It turns out, she is trying to make ends meet and she
• I can talk to my friend
about this and find out • I can ask my friend to pay was embarrassed to tell me this. We agreed on her paying me back
what’s the problem. me back over the course of in smaller amounts. It was good to get this off my chest and we both
3 months. seemed relieved at the end of the call. We decided to meet for coffee
• I can borrow £50 from her now that is resolved.”
and never give it back.

35 36
 You can use the same steps to help you get started on the other
problems you are struggling with. Importantly, not all problems can
be solved using the above approach. If some of your problems are
beyond your control try not to worry about them. Worrying about the SECTION 7:
problems that we cannot do anything about makes us feel worse. It COMMUNICATION
is always better to focus on things you can do something about and
then do it.

STOP & THINK

Think about a problem in your life that you could
do something about. Make it as specific as you can.
Follow the problem-solving steps and come up with
the best solution.

Often, when we feel angry we express

our feelings by saying or doing something
we regret shortly afterwards. Good
communication skills can be really
helpful in getting your message across in
a calm manner.

37 38
 TIPS FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION Passive communication style:
Listen
Careful listening to what the other person has to say is a big part • you consider others’ needs before your own
of successful communication. Give the speaker your full attention • you don’t let others know about your own needs
and make sure you understand what they are trying to say and
why they are saying it to you. Do not mind-read, but rather ask • you find it difficult to say ‘No’ to others
questions to check that you do understand. If someone criticises • you don’t deal well with criticism
you or says something you disagree with, try not to become
• you apologise for things that are not your fault
defensive or aggressive. Think about why the person is saying this
and what they are trying to tell you. • you appear unsure when you speak

Be clear & stay calm

Think through the things you want to say. Consider how others People who use a passive communication style often struggle with
might react to them. Make sure your message is clear as possible low self-esteem and believe that their views are not important and
and you know why you are saying it. If you want to express your that in fact, it is best not to express them in case people will not
emotions do it in an inoffensive and calm manner. When you like them. Unfortunately, if you do not let others know about your
become angry, other people might get scared, hurt or frustrated. needs, they cannot know what you are thinking or feeling. If you
Be assertive are struggling with saying ‘No’ you might end up taking on more
People express themselves using different communication styles. tasks than you can manage, or doing favours you do not want to
It can be helpful to be aware of our communication skills and how do. You might also feel like you are being walked over and you are
we can work on them. Whereas an assertive way of communication likely to end up feeling angry.
allows you to express yourself in a healthy manner, there are also
other, less helpful communication styles such as passive, aggressive
and passive-aggressive. The summaries below will help you to Passive-aggressive communication style:
understand the differences between them. • you are unhappy with the things but you don’t say it
• you tell everyone else you are unhappy
Aggressive communication style:
• you say something under your breath
• you force your needs and ideas on others
• you shut off verbally and give angry looks
• you blame or bully others
• you become obstructive or sulky
• you consider only your needs and desires
• you do not look for compromise • you become sarcastic
• you often speak in an abrupt and cold manner
• you might be verbally or physically aggressive
By being passive-aggressive you make it really difficult for others
to understand what it is you are unhappy about. If you show
An aggressive communication style often leads to confrontation people you are annoyed about something but avoid openly talking
and unpleasant feelings. If you come across as aggressive in your about it, they might become frustrated and annoyed with you.
communication people might not enjoy your company, as they They might think you want to spoil everyone else’s good mood
may believe their needs and feelings are not important to you. and they may stop liking you, which can affect your self-esteem.
If you are aware of being aggressive when you express yourself You might also come across as not brave enough to express your
you might feel guilt and shame which, can in turn, impact on your opinion aloud.
self-esteem.

39 40
 UNHELPFUL STATEMENT
Assertive communication style:
Billy: Ah, you are so clingy. You never leave me alone.
• you express your needs clearly in a considerate manner
• you are communicating things that are important to you HELPFUL STATEMENT
Billy: I hope you don’t mind, but tonight I would like to spend some
• you give others time to tell you about their feelings time with my mates. I love going out with you but sometimes I feel like
• you take into account both yours and others’ needs doing things on my own.
• you treat yourself and others with respect The second statement is helpful because it allows Billy to express
• you are happy to consider a compromise as a solution how he feels about the situation without labelling and blaming
another person.

Broken record
By being assertive you can put your message across in a healthy This technique can be helpful when the person you are talking to
and calm way. Assertiveness helps you to manage your angry is not getting your message. What you need to do, is repeat your
feelings and any conflict that might arise as a result of different statement several times without getting distracted by the other
views. It helps you to communicate your needs whilst respecting person's comments.
others' feelings, which can lead to stronger relationships. Feeling in
control and making sure your voice is heard has a positive impact Liz: Could you turn down that music?
on your self-esteem. Neighbour: But…we are having fun!
Liz: Yes...but...could you turn it down?
Neighbour: This music is great. Come and join us!
STOP & THINK Liz: Thanks for the offer… but … could you turn it down?
How do you come across when you are communicating
something important to you? Would you like to
change anything? TIPS FOR PRACTICE
• Be clear about what you • Listen to what the other
want to say person has to say
You might find it difficult to communicate in an assertive manner at
• Tell the other person how • Be ready to compromise
first. In order to feel more confident practise these techniques:
you feel about things
• Maintain eye contact &
“I” statements • Avoid extreme words like stay relaxed
When you are angry about someone’s behaviour it is best to always, never
communicate how you feel. Once you both know where you
stand, you can discuss the situation and seek a solution. Using
“I” statements gives you some space for expressing how you feel
about it all as opposed to “you” statements which accuse and often STOP & THINK
hurt the other person. Think about the situations you want to be more
assertive in. Decide how you want to communicate
Let’s look at Billy’s example which we discussed earlier on. what you feel about those situations and practise
Billy decided he wants to tell to Megan how he feels about her doing it. Every time you do it, review what went well
coming along to a pub. How can he put a message across without and what could be improved.
hurting Megan?

41 42
 • Get to know yourself. Identify the situations that you are likely
to get angry about. Be aware of your warning signs so you can
SECTION 8: tackle the tension as soon as it appears.

PUTTING A LID ON IT • Slow down your breathing & relax your muscles. Practise
controlled breathing and progressive muscle relaxation if you
want to turn down the physical symptoms you might experience.
• Distract yourself. Use distraction techniques when you become
angry – count backwards from 10 or focus your attention on
something or someone else.
• Spot and challenge your unhelpful thoughts. Practise
recognising your unhelpful thoughts and challenge them.
Replace them with more realistic and balanced thoughts.
• Change your angry behaviours. Identify your unhelpful
behaviours. Come up with new, healthier behaviours and
practise them.
• Use problem solving techniques. Problem solving skills can be
very helpful when you feel stuck and don’t know where to start.
• Be assertive. Clear, open and polite communication can
help you to put your message across. Practise
assertiveness techniques.
• Use your sense of humour. Humour and laughter have
positive effects on mental and physical health. Noticing the
funny side of things, or gently laughing at yourself, can help
you to deal with anger.
Managing your anger can take some time
• Lead a healthy lifestyle. Drinking, substance abuse, smoking
and commitment. Do not be discouraged can all make you feel worse. Eating healthy meals and
if things do not improve straight away. If avoiding caffeine can make you feel better. Make sure you get
you want to be able to use the techniques enough sleep.
discussed in this booklet you will need to • Exercise. Regular exercise can boost your mood, make you more
confident and healthier. Start with a daily brisk walk.
practise them on a regular basis. Share
your goals with your family and friends; you • Plan relaxation. Do something enjoyable every day. Watch a
movie, read a book, start a new hobby.
are more likely to succeed knowing you
are being supported. Let’s review what you If you notice you are going back to your old behaviours after
improving, do not worry, it does not mean you are failing. You can
could do. see it as a 'slip' that can happen to anyone. Go back to the sections
in this booklet which may help and try again.

43 44
Further help and information

For more information or advice please contact

Wellbeing Services on 0141 232 2555 or visit the
website www.wellbeing-glasgow.org.uk

Wellbeing Services is a Primary Care Mental Health

Team based in the South of Glasgow. Wellbeing
Services offer a variety of services to assist people
with common mental health problems and helps
them see a brighter tomorrow.

60 Florence St, Glasgow G5 0YX

0141 232 2555

[email protected]
www.wellbeing-glasgow.org.uk