an

rtojrit
'

&
RATING PENDING |

emerTBinmenT STUDIOS
www.groundcontrol1.com ej
 Sequel to the Original

Award-Winning MDK

An adventure that may just

surpass the original

pc.ign.com

Kurt Hlctic, once a

mild-mannered janitor, now

savior of the universe is

lack in MDK2. \
this time Kurt is joined by

the dangerously brilliant Dr.

Fluke Hawkins and %he

6-legged gun-toting robotic
dog Max. These three

Also Available on
\unli((ely heroes are ready to;
.
Wm Tit

Sega Dreamcast out-sneak, out-blast and

out-think their enemies.

BY GAMERS. FOR GAMERS. Animated Blood

REQUIRES m Animated Violence

w For information on this

www.interplay.com 3D Acceleration
i
? Qui«<
product's rating, please
1-800-771-3772
call

MDK2:©2000 Interplay Entertainment Corp. Omen Engine ©

2000 8ioware Corp. Developed by Bioware Corp. The Biowale Omen Engine and Bioware logo are trademarks
of Bioware Corp. MDK, MDK2 and related marks, Interplay, the Interplay logo and "By Gamers, For Gamers" are tradsnhjrks ot Interplay Entertainment Corp. Certain
characters are © Shiny Entertainment, Inc. Sega, Dreamcast and the Dreamcast logo are either registered trademarks A trademarks of Sega Enterprises, Ltd. All other
copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective owners. All rights reserved. LUA © 1994-1998 TeCGraf, PU&fttg, All rights reserved.

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 :

Play *33 1) 1)9733.3, yudl Oifyrlily 3 iflto])l

;

UDiUDplay apridEd
MsH - jllMlikp] ij)iD jDililb v/jih loijj
1

u/jj] ;3 uf 'm p mi
Uh JJjjYAIJJy [ve puzzles to create deadly

'ummn ,

urt - Sneak, snipe and shoot in a new suit

equipped with a cloaking device.

• Save the world with unorthodox munitions like the

Black Hole Grenade and the Atomic Toaster.

Humorous storyline unfolds with each level all

the way to the spectacular grand finale.

Developed by Bioware Corp., creators of the

" 1

award-winning game Baldur's Gate

 3

CONTENTS MAY OO

THE FUTURE OF
TEAM PLAY
Kicking the living shit out of your friends
online is fun, but ganging up to disembowel
complete strangers is so much better. We’ll

show you why team play games like Tribes 2,

Team Fortress 2, Halo, and SWAT are the

future of online ass-kickings — oh, and we’ve
got some pictures of the luscious Donna
D’errico in latex, if you like that kinda stuff

OLYMPICS
You might think you know what ass is, but
we’re here to show you how wrong you are.
it? We took a crapload of all the worst games

is and put them head to head in competition.

Or
Find out who the losers and, err ... bigger
losers are in this no-star craptacular specta-
think.

cle of assness!
you

why

not
ESZDuCBSaHHH
w TECHPHILES 44
it’s

insists

A boy and his Athlon, reviews of Saitek’s blasphemous substitute for keyboard gaming,
another special appearance by Limey, and the Microsoft Internet Keyboard Pro

^
but

ass,

his
piAy ey PiAy 85
of What happens when WWF goes NFL? Find out what we think the XFL should be. Plus,

the newest racing games. How fast can you grab your stick shift?
pictures

take
STRATEGY
We know you like to slaughter people online, and we tell you how. Our advice on Nox is
to
more helpful than penicillin in Bangkok
Eric

wants ONLINE ARENA 92

It’s The Sims vs. “Friends.” Which is better, lesbian love interests or big hooters? Also,
Matt

the return of the online nuisance — you too can piss people off in only a few easy steps!

X-TRA 94
Satan on games, a touching farewell to Rob Smith (without actually touching him — we
charge extra for that), plus lots of other shit that you can’t live without. No, really.
 49 PROJECT IGI 55 ST: VOYAGER 60 DARK REIGN 2 64 M0T0CR0S5
More real than Half-Life, less A chance to stomp some Borg ass Finally, just what we’ve been MADNESS 2
real than Rainbow Six — but will in the delta quadrant with the waiting for! A game with a More insane crashes, better
it be fun? Qlll engine “bloodbath” mode graphics, and a bunch of stunning
new tricks

66 MONEY SHOTS 70 BEYOND THE

Okay, so
“real”
This is
we didn’t give you
money shots last month.
the geek equivalent that
Get
up.
X:
FRONTIER
rich, kill aliens,

What else is
and blow
there?
shit |
you’ll get off to anyway
u
We

kick

PC

Gamer's

ass

71 DEMISE 72 INVICTUS 73 MAJESTY 74 HIDDEN AND 75 WET ATTACK

in
Just like a cheap prostitute, this Greek heroes stomp around and A kingdom sim from Hasbro. DANGEROUS: Is there such a thing as bad porn?
game might be ugly, but gets the torture less-civilized races Does it suck? DEVIL'S BRIDGE Chuck and his little friend say yes
job done How could you possibly get Unreal

tired of killing nazis?

Shock Your C 0l U M N S
Tournament

Girlfriend!
EDITOR'S LETTER IO
Yet again, Mike is spouting off about something or —

the other. We don’t pay him arly mind, so why

should you? considering

76 1602 AD. FIRST PERSON 112

This game needs to have its the

interface slapped
“Bring on the clones!” cries the crackified Matt
size

Exclusive Cosmo Parody Spectacular Holmes. Meanwhile, Mike Salmon provides the
of
kinder and gentler voice of a sane person.
their

THE DISC asses,

IE
that’s

Tired of downloading demos on a

a
crappy 56 K modem? No problem. Just get ‘em off
WE COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THEIR HELP... lotta

(Actually we could, but they threatened to make us watch “Baywatch Nights” if we didn’t say that)
this month’s disc. Matt and Kyle got a bunch of
Britney Spears, Laetitia Caesta, Pamela Anderson, Sharon Stone, big-breasted women Donna
the world over, stuff for you to look at, so enjoy it or they’ll cry
ass!
D’Errico, Sandra Bullock, Tanya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, Miss Piggy, Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show,” Linda
like little girls.
Tripp, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Gary Coleman, George W. Bush, Regis Philbin, Kathy Lee Gifford, Brian Boi-
tano, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Garth Brooks, Mary Hart, Puff Daddy, Mister Socko, The Rock, Bill Gates, Satan, Ted
Kennedy, Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, David Spade, Marilyn Monroe, Ru Paul, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
 Prequel td E3’s Best Dr Show, FREELANCER

© 2000 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Microsoft and MSN are either registered trademarks or
msn Gaming
Microsoft ZONE trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries. Other products and company
names mentioned herein may be trademarks of their respective owners.
FROM ERIN AND CHRIS ROBERTS, CREATORS OF THE WING COMMANDER AND PRIVATEER SERIES
Your squadron’s been given no training or respect. You’ve got nothing to lose. And that’s
WHAT MAKES YOU DANGEROUS. AS A MEMBER OF THE 45TH VOLUNTEER SQUADRON, A RAGTAG AVIATION
UNIT, YOU’RE FIGHTING THE COALITION FOR CONTROL OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM. COMBINING INTENSE
FIRST-PERSON SPACE COMBAT, THE DRAMA OF A GREAT WAR FILM, AND STUNNING 3-D GRAPHICS,
Starlancer delivers an incredible adventure requiring skill and damn-the-torpedoes
CONFIDENCE IN THE FACE OF NEAR-INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS. THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM HAS NEVER'BEEN
THIS FIERCE. DR THIS REAL. JOIN THE FIGHT AT WWW.MICRDSOFT.CaM/GAMES/STARLANCER

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 62

A
 hanj^ God Tve-RXT hi/ng's TSTot Powemd ByVoodoo^.
With the world’s first full-scene hardware anti-aliasing and our proprietary
T-buffer cinematic effects engine, the new Voodoo5 is the most powerful 3D accelerator card on

the planet. Want proof? See for yourself @ www.3dfx.com.

Full-Scene Hardware Anti-Aliasing: T-Buffer cinematic Effects Engine: Up to 1.5 GigaPixel/Sec.

The most realistic 3D environment Fill Rate: Tear through levels,
ALLOWED BY LAW. burn through scenes.

$ t

|ijg|g
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SO POWERFUL
3dfv
IT’S KIND OF RIDICULOUS

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:
 ' 1

EDITOR'S LETTER
CONTACTS
LAST MAN STANDING
EDITORIAL
It all started about two years ago in the deep, dark recesses of Imagine Media. Ed Lee, Dan
Mike Salmon editor in chief
Egger, Carrie Shepherd, Q! Doroquez, Kyle LeBoeuf, Rob Smith, and yours truly gathered around Jason Samuel executive editor
Philip Mayard managing editor
our completely unfurnished offices and started a quest to create the best PC gaming magazine in
Chuck Osborn associate editor

the world. We laughed, we cried, we drank, and then we drank a whole lot more. Eventually the Matt Holmes associate editor
Steven Head editorial temp
fruits of our labor turned into what you are holding in your hand right now —PC Accelerator, the
Jason D’Aprile, Barry Brenesal, George Chronis, Chris Hudak, Bruce Ladewig,
finest gaming magazine in the world (according to an independent study conducted by our Peter Olafson, Allen Rausch, Marc Saltzman, George Stark, Nash Werner

friends and families).

ART
Since then, the magazine has undergone massive changes each month and staffers
Kyle LeBoeuf lame duck art director
have departed almost as frequently as the drummer for Spinal Tap. I’m saddened to say that we Eric Smith art jedi
Gerry Serrano our little art helper
have sent Rob Smith off to pasture and punished Kyle LeBoeuf with a tenure at IT, leaving me as
Craig Bromley art helper’s helper
our little

the last of the Original Seven. Personally, I miss each and every one of my old friends. Their
ADVERTISING/MARKETING
quirks, their Quarks, their typos, their “habits,” and even their funny accents. We had some
Karen Quilantang associate publisher, ext. 172
great times and we made some magic, but that is the past. The future of PCXL and the future of
Kim Brewer regional sales manager, ext. 771

PC games begins here and now in issue 21 . have built a new staff, made them stronger, bigger, Mike Grellman regional sales manager, ext. 407
Andy Swanson regional sales manager, ext. 749
better, and faster. These aren’t just men, they are marauding half-man, half-editoriakrobotic Wilson Lau account executive, ext. 737
Megan Fischer temp, ad coordinator, ext.422
beasts with only one thing on their mind — to make PCXL better with every issue.
PRODUCTION

VIIKE SALMONrCd/for/n Chief Richard Lesovoy production director

Glenn Sadin production coordinator

EDITOR IN CHIEF f-

CIRCULATION
MIKE SALMON^ E-MAIL ••••> [email protected]
WHO HE REPLACED -}• Old Mike
SPOTTHEFAKEAD
Find the ad in PCXL that seems less than right and mail it to Stephanie Flanagan subscription director
WHY OLD MIKE LEFT -}• He got married
WHY "NEW MIKE” IS BETTER THAN [email protected] to qualify for "fabulous” prizes. Peggy Mores fulfillment manager
“OLD MIKE” — £ Now that New Mike is mar- Kristi Chezum renewal and billing manager

ried he doesn’t have to worry about

APRIL FAKE AD — £ Extreme Dwarf Tossing Clara Pon Koo subscription promotion manager
MOCKING -? “Extreme” games, dwarf tossing, good taste
impressing his girlfriend, so he’s much Quyen Nguyen newsstand coordinator
more lenient on what he lets into print
MAY FAKE AD •••>• Homeyworld
Jonathan Venier retail sales and marketing manager
NOW PLAYING •••> Quake III, Sammy Sosa's MOCKING •••$ Pimps, ho’s, and caddies with vapor trails
‘Fabulous prizes this month = PCXL issue #1, autographed by Karen Gallion-Biggers direct mail manager
High Heat Baseball 2001, Soldier Of For-
tune, Unreal Tournament, Drunk Editor
the original staff- an incredible value! Jeanne Mangabat fulfillment coordinator

thinks)
EXECUTIVE EDITOR |— -| EDITORIAL TEMP [
Editorial Advertising

he
JASON SAMUEI> E-MAIL 4 [email protected] E-MAIL— $ steven@pcx l.com vox 415-468-4684 415-468-4684
WHO HE REPLACED -}• Rob Smith WHO HE REPLACED •••> Bill Donahue fax 415-468-4686 415-468-4686
(so WHY ROB LEFT -> He was getting “too old WHY BILL LEFT After exactly one and a e-mail [email protected] [email protected]
for this shit” halfdays on the job, Bill had simply had
WHY JASON IS BETTER THAN ROB — He’s enough
I an American and early reports are that he is WHY STEVEN IS BETTER THAN BILL •}•

anyway I 48% jammier than Rob ever was — isn’t Even though he is still temporary, he has
I that enough? already put in more hours and copy than uiure
NOW PLAYING •••£ Soldier Of Fortune, Age Bill — plus he isn’t armed
1 Of Empires II, Unreal Tournament, Harass NOW PLAYING -> Codename Eagle, Unreal
talent
The Freelancers Tournament, Heroes of Might & Magic 3
| 1
Chris Anderson CEO
of Tom Valentino vice president/CFO
-\ ASSOCIATE EDITOR |
— Holly Klingel vice president/circulation
lick Charles Schug general counsel
E-MAIL -> [email protected] E-MAIL — c jck@p cxl.com
Steve Leibman vice president/human resources
a WHO HE REPLACED -> Carrie Shepherd WHO HE REPLACED Dan Egger •

WHY CARRIE LEFT •••> She went on to WHY DAN LEFT — £ He was returned back to Michela O’Connor-Abrams president/business division
with
become a Superhero of Grammar. Either the wild where he could roam free with the Cheryl England president/computing division
that or she shacked up with some scruffy other Eggers

one
editor type and is awaiting her first child WHY CHUCK IS BETTER THAN DAN He’s IMAGINE ENTERTAINMENT DIVISION
WHY PHILIP IS BETTER THAN CARRIE -> actually just a full-sized version of Dan, who
We’re pretty certain that Philip won’t ever can hold down his liquor
Jonathan Simpson-Bint president
only have to go on pregnancy leave NOW PLAYING •••> Quake III, Soldier Of For-
NOW PLAYING — £ With thoughts of how he tune, System Shock 2, Planescape: Tor- Matt Firme vice president/editorial

the
can take a pregnancy leave ment, Unreal Tournament MaryAnn Kearns publishing director
Ken Chang marketing director
was
ASSOCIATE EDITOR (- INTERN/MODEL/FASHION COORDINATOR f-

MATT HOLMES E-MAIL— > matt @pcx l.com E-MAIL —‘jr gia@pcxl .com
Games Business, PSM: 100% Independent PlayStation
{PC Accelerator,
Mike
WHO HE REPLACED -> Ed Lee WHO SHE REPLACED -}• Hector Salazar Magazine, Next Gen, PC Gamer, Official Sega Dreamcast, Games Insider)
WHY ED LEFT -}• He didn’t really leave, he WHY HECTOR LEFT -fr Hung himself from
Imagine Media Inc is part of The Future Network. The Future Network selves the information needs of groups of people who
just showed up REALLY late the rafters when he just couldn’t handle life
share a passion. We aim to satisfy their passion by creating magazines and websites that offer superb value for their money,
WHY MATT IS BETTER THAN ED -} Ed in the fast lane. In the end the good life was trustworthy information untainted by outside commercial influences, multiple ways to save time and money, and are a
Seven,
never let us photoshop his head on a wom- just a little too good to our dearly departed pleasure to read or visit. This simple strategy has helped create one of the fastest-growing media companies in the world. We
an’s body — Matt’s head is already on a scarecrow editor publish more than too magazines, 20 magazine websites, and a number of web networks from offices in five countries. The

woman’s body WHY GIA IS BETTER THAN HECTOR -}• We company also licenses 42 magazines in 30 countries. The Future Network is a public company quoted on the London Stock
Exchange (symbol: FNET).
Original
NOW PLAYING Soldier Of Fortune, Nox, can think of at least two very big reasons
Warlords Battlecry, Planescape Torment, NOW PLAYING -> The Sims, Hearts, Entire contents © 2000, Imagine Media. Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is

Hidden and Dangerous prohibited. Products, characters, screenshots, babe pictures, etc. named and shown in these pages are tradenames or
Damsel In A Dress
trademarks of their respective companies or original photographers. Imagine Media, Inc. is not affiliated with the companies or

products covered in PC ACCELERATOR. Unsolicited manuscripts cannot be returned, acknowledged, or even comprehended in

the most cases. Printed in the USA.

-| ART DIRECTOR
of Welcome the the little print that could ... make you a million dollars. Mike has another “just might be crazy enough to work-
KYLE LEBOEUF E-MAIL kyle@p_cxl.com E-MAIL—}- ecc@pcxl .com business idea. Investors send funds to mlkegpcxl.com .

WHO HE REPLACED -jf Q! Doroquez WHO HE REPLACED Kyle LeBoeuf GAMEBRO

fear,
WHY Q! LEFT -|> Was tragically caught WHY KYLE LEFT -> He wants a more What it Is: A gaming magazine dedicated to the “urban" gamer. The reviewers will be wacky, irreverant cartoon characters
behind enemy lines relaxed lifestyle in the Imagine Media IT like Cracky The Cracker, Inda Hood, and Afro Sheen. It will also include Bro Tips with each review and a special Pimps and
to
WHY KYLE WAS BETTER THAN Q! -}• He department — good luck, now where the Tricks strategy extravaganza.

Not never said the phrase, “pink canoe” and hell are our new processors? Why it works: Combines two extremely popular magazines. Gamepro and Ebony, into one gaming powerhouse.
rarely sent us quicktime movies of old men WHY ERIC IS BETTER THAN KYLE -}• He
fondling each other has access to more pictures of naked Why it doesn’t: If the magazine is done by a bunch of geeky white guys it just won’t fly. This mag needs street ere

NOW PLAYING -}• Soldier Of Fortune, women than Hugh Hefner

m Unreal Tournament, Age Of Empires

Homeworld, Anti-Viral Toolkit Pro
II, NOW PLAYING -}• Soldier Of Fortune,
Unreal Tournament, Age Of Empires II
 Enter a l/vhale
new dimension
The first: all-terrain, three-dimensional
real-time strategy game has landed
on American shares from Europe.
Complete with a revolutionary
3D engine and a ton
of accolades:

"Best Strategy
Game of the Year."
- Power Play 11/99
"Uses the 3D
environment
to its fullest
strategic value.
- www.ign.com

Changing Entertainment Agai

€>2000 TLC Multimedia Inc. Copyright 1999 .Top Ware CD Service A.G. All rights reserved. www. rea com

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Produ<
 U£ ARE
he post-Christmas
rush, having long since
LGGGND
Wait! Is that a regular 16-wheeler, loaded
ended, brought the
(g DEMO A/U TOOLS u
with mutant KFC chicken, ’’ or is it really
dreaded first quarter Optimus Prime?
season, and the warm, loving flow
PATCHE: MAPS (7JRATING
The PCXL disc interface transforms once
of games slowed to an irregular every 20 days. It becomes bigger, better,
dripping, much like the notorious DEMOS and faster so that readers like you who

Chinese Water Torture.

these hard times that the
crop runs dry and the
It’s in

shrill
demo
wailing
H
Mi
SOLDIER OF FORTUNE
OPERATION EAGLE
actually read tiny text like this get your
money’s worth. Notice that we have given
themenu system Star Trek-like simplicity.

REQUIREMENTS: WINDOWS 95/98, PENTIUM

of hunger from the DDR (Demo- 133MHZ, 32MB RAM, DIRECTX 5.0, MOUSE,
Decision Room) becomes truly 1® INUICTUS 100% SOUND BLASTER COMPATIBLE CARD

unbearable. Matt left in search of

;q SHADOW WATCH Disc problems? Visit our website at
the only thing that would cease www.pcxl.com and click on the customer
(0) SUPERBIKE £000 service link, or call 800-333-3890.
the noise and return joy and love
to the PCXL office — hot, sweaty (g UIRTUAL POOL HALL
demos. When he returned, his THE DISC MINI-FAQ
(D) NASCAR £000
gooey marsupial pouch was filled
Q: How come you didn’t put Ultima:
with goodies-a-gogo. From the (B) SUPER DUELING MINI-UANS Ascension on the disc again? PC
bullet-riddled land of Red Storm Gamer gave it over 80%!

he found Shadow Watch, while the

X-TRA A: The one demo that did get released

citadel of Talonsoft held Operation

Eagle. Deep within the sprawl of

© UNREAL TOURNAMENT BONUS PACK was huge. It was huge and buggy.
Huge, buggy, and merely a horrible

Electronic Arts, Superbike 2000

ip ICEUIND DALE taste of

we put it
what was to follow. Besides,

on our disc ages ago and

reared its head. With great HALO nobody liked it, so there.

aplomb. Matt heaved these and

more into the DDR, and the office tS AGE OF WONDERS 1.35 UPDATE Q: Doesn’t “money shot” mean some-
thing naughty?
was happy once more.
®. BATTLEZONE II 1.1 UPDATE A: Sometimes, when two people love
each other very much, they get a film
HALF-LIFE 1.0.1.6 UPDATE
crew together and get wiggly with

career
PHAROAH ENHANCEMENT PATCH each other. When one of the men
becomes very happy, he gives one of

(§) QUAKE III ARENA 1.16M UPDATE the women a gift — and when that
film
moment is captured on glorious film,

(§) REUENANT l.£E UPDATE that, gentle friends and neighbors, is

“short”

® SOLDIER OF FORTUNE DEMO PATCH

Q: Why
called a “money shot.”

his (§> SUAT3 l.£ UPDATE is “family" spelled “fambty” on

the title up there?

unlike
» TIBERIAN SUN £.0£ UPDATE A: Because all our readers are well-read,
we know this question is just to get
our goats, but we’ll answer it anyway.
not
In the John Steinbeck novel, Grapes of
-

Wrath, characters refer to the family

as “fambly” all the time. It must be a
shots”

phonetic thing. Either that, or a really

bad copy editor.

“money

of

success

the

Pay X-Tra Attention

on
Just like George of the Jungle,
rides
PCXL readers worldwide ran into a
surprise a couple of months ago —
career

Demos are good

the X-tra section.
— damn good — but when you
tippedy-tap your way over to X-tra,
writing

you’ll be opening yourself up to all

the game media goodies that our

entire

freakish disc guru Matt could get

his paws on. Just like his under-
Matt’s

wear, from month to month you’ll

see it change and you’ll weep for

the poor saps who don’t get the

disc. Sad, really.
SCANTILY CLAD MODELS ALIENS • GADGETS GOOP
,w.*

LINES
- W-. ‘
TO

i™ 1

I
I

1 - <1 -1
 ” ”

“ACTION GAME OF THE YEAR”

“
- GAMESPOT, WELL-ROUNDED ENTERTAINMENT

“MULTIPLAYER GAME OF THE YEAR

- C/NET GAMECENTER

(OUT OF 5)... UNREAL TOURNAMENT HAS

HAD US ADDICTED LIKE CRACKHEADS ON PAYDAY
- COMPUTER GAMING WORLD

“UNREAL TOURNAMENT IS THE MOST COMPLETE

FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER AVAILABLE”
- GAMESPOT

“WHETHER YOU'RE NEW TO THE GENRE OR A SHOOTER VET

LOOKING FOR NEW THRILLS, UNREAL TOURNAMENT HAS
EVERYTHING YOU NEED”
- CNN

“
“UNREAL TOURNAMENT IS GETTING THE HIGHEST SCORE
THAT IGN HAS EVER GIVEN A GAME”
- IGN.COM

(OUT OF 5).. .THIS IS A GAME THAT SHOULD BE

CRAMMED INTO STOCKINGS EVERYWHERE”
- COMPUTER GAMES ONLINE

MATURE
Animated Violence 2i/j EDITORS’
Best of -
ACT
( Software
GT Interactive
Ini
Animated Blood and Gore
CONTENT RATED BY I
mpjf\
www.unreal.com
Digital Extremes
CHOICE Available for Macintosh 1999 r ^7 Softw
mm.,
f www. gtgames. com

Unreal ”
Tournament © 1999 Epic Games, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Created by Epic Games, Inc. In collaboration with Digital Extremes. Published and distributed by GT Interactive Software Corp. GT is a trademark
and the GT iogo is a registered trademark of GT Interactive Software Corp. Unreal and the Unreal logos are trademarks of Epic Games, Inc. MPlayer and the MPlayer logos are trademarks of MPiayer Interactive, Inc.
All other trademarks are the property of their respective companies.
“GAME OF THE YEAR” - COMPUTER GAMING WORLD,
GAMESPY, GAMEVORTEX, MPOG.COM,
SHARKY EXTREME, CHUCK ROCK LIVE!

— V&i

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 155

 www.oaiiyRadar.co

land

promised

the

to
it

made

you’ve

and

zip

quick

One
 AND TEAiVl UP WITH THE FUTURE OF ONLINE GAMING
ang thy heads low fellow believers ... the end is near! Beloved deathmatch
is dying. Everything that could be done has been, and new maps, new

H
weapons, and better graphics will only keep it alive for a few more precious
months. Like the shark, which stopped evolving millions of years ago, the
near perfection of deathmatch in Quake III and Unreal Tournament leaves
little room for improvement. Our trembling monkey-like recon slaves have returned Matt

with grim news. It seems that the future of multiplayer first-person shooters is team-
based games, a focus that involves more than mindlessly killing other humans — isn’t

the future will entail working with your fellow man to mindlessly kilt other less tired

evolved humans.
of
In the past couple of years we’ve watched Team Fortress Classic, Rainbow Six,

Tribes, and others lay claim to what was once deathmatch territory. But where death- playing

match has basically no room to grow, team-centered modes of gameplay are well-
armed for a revolution. Like the leap from Doom to Quake, there are games on the
with

horizon that will forever change the way gamers battle. While nothing will ever
replace deathmatch for a fun 15-minute bloodbath, teamplay games like Tribes 2,

Halo, and Team Fortress 2 are leaving the kid stuff behind and taking point in the new himself,

online wars.
These games will have both indoor and outdoor environments, recognize some- just

thing beyond mere kills, serve the community even more, and be highly customizable. in

It’s a Brave New World my fellow fragheads — so pay attention. case

you

were

wondering

TRIBES 2 HALD TEAM FORTRESS 2 SWAT 3 CDC RENEGADE:

The second Tribes will be a The prettiest belle at the ball Voice over net, class-based Tactical shooters’ upcoming So early in development
revolution in customization is Bungie’s bid for multi- characters ... Valve wants multiplayer entry only NOD soldiers were able
and player community player dominance your attention to sneak out information
 Tired of
Playing
with Yourself?

“I need an APC pickup! Guys

... hey ... come on ... please”

The Skinny they are creating new game edi- able to make new maps in the edi- ate clan pages within the Tribes
a ynamix carved its tors and an Internet-like interface, tor by simply pushing a button client, use Tribes 2 - only e-mail,

1995
!
D
with Tribes back
name

in
into the belly of

multiplayer first-per-
son shooter gaming
’98 ... an
complete with a web browser
right into the Tribes client.

The editors
easily create
will

and modify maps

built

allow players to
and watching the computer grow
the terrain. Toss
ings, rocks,

a
in some
and trees and
new tribal hunting ground ready
build-

voila! ...
and chat through the instant mes-
senger service. Creating a regis-
tered tribe with
based web page
its

will
own
be a
server-

five-

online-only FPS with up to 32 while inside the 3D environment. for use. Skin makers can unbunch minute affair. The web page will

players, outdoor/indoor terrain, If you don’t like the placement of a their panties — jpgs, gifs, and listmembers and their credo, dis-
September
vehicles, and gameplay variations certain boulder, you’ll will be able bmps will be acceptable formats tribute news (both public and

like shared resources. It was an to fire up the editor, grab the boul- and any image that fits required tribe-only), offer a private mes-
innovation on par with the original der in the 3D environmerfl, and proportions will be usable. sage board and private chat room,
Miss
Team Fortress. delete it (or copy and paste it in The web browser aspect of the and supply links to ranking sites.

But round two of the team-cen- someplace else). You’ll also be interface will allow players to cre- Every player will get a warrior
tered games is about to start, and
Playboy’s

the competition has raised the RIDE ME BABY!

bar. Don’t look for the folks at You want vehicles, you got vehicles.
was
Dynamix to get passed up and for- That’s the Shrike-class T Grave Scout in

gotten, though. They are working the picture, but he’s not alone. There
D’Errico
hard on Tribes 2 and fans of the are going to be six vehicles in Tribes 2.

original are going to be pleased.

Improved graphics? Check. Easier
Donna

customization? Yup. Taking huge

steps to create an even larger
player community? You bet.

The Community
Draconian-class Heavy T-Grav APC
Tribes 2 is a sequel, as opposed to

a new genre. It’s going to have a Narhawk-class Light T-Grav APC

new race, new weapons, and such,
Beowulf-class Ground Assault Vehicle
but Dynamix is hoping to revolu-
tionize the way brings new play- Outrider-class Scout ATV
it
Dynamix is trying to push the
ers into the community and gets player limit up to 64 players. Jericho-class Ground Transport
them to stay. To accomplish this
 3

H PIECE OF MIND
Want to know what kinda games you’ll be playing for the next years of your pitiful,
malnourished lives? What better way to find out than asking the guys who are
going to create those games. We sent out questions to the developers of Tribes 2,
Team Fortress 2, SWAT 3, Halo and C&C Renegade to get their feedback on the
future of teamplay.
With a panel of celeb/developers like this, we could have hosted our own damn
I
conference and charged hundreds of thousands of dollars to naive people who
wanted to be near our greatness. The minds of madness: Gabe Newell — Valve co-
founder, Marc Frohnmayer — Lead Programmer of Tribes 2, Jaime Griesemer —
Senior Design Editor of Halo, Cade Myers — Associate Producer of SWAT 3, and
Louis Castle - C&C Renegade designer.
j

Q: WHAT IS YOUR PREDICTION FOR

page, soif you find someone in a
MULTIPLAYER IN 2005?
game and you want him to join
GABE NEWELL •••£* Gamers will have 1 your tribe, you can check out his
Mbit/sec Internet connections, ~io GHz
warrior page, send him a mes-
CPU, about i,ooox 3D performance, and
sage, bring him into the tribe chat
100GB hard drives. suspect that the I

line between real humans and Al play- room, and sign him right up.
ers will be blurred, and the Al will be
doing a lot more to build interesting As tempting as it may be
social environments for players.
Of course Dynamix is doing more to fire that grenade, you
I know it sounds absurd, but there
will probably be a game that has an than just improving the interface. must resist!

audience of around 50 million players, They know that to compete with

generating a total aggregate viewership
the big boys, graphics are going to the battlefield. The terrain detail is time Mother Nature isn’t going to
of 15 billion player minutes a month
(compared to 260 million player min-
need a kick in the ass. Tribes 2 also going to be scalable, so those play nice — she’ll be dishing out
utes/month for Half-Life currently, and boasts higher res character mod- of you with Pill 800s are going to rain to slip you up, fog to hide
around a billion viewer minutes a month els (about four times more poly- get your money’s worth. Five dif- your enemies, and dangerous
for a popular network television show).
gons than Tribes) and has much ferent world types represent the lightning to roast you when she’s
JAIME GRIESEMER
more detailed terrain, so say bye- five playable tribes in the game: on the rag. Dynamix is also going
•••> You mean
besides the incredible popularity of bye to endless rolling hills, and Lush world (as in lushly forested, to make the terrain an active part
Halo III: Bob’s Revenge ? Let’s just say I strap on some Timberlands. not the drunk kind), frozen snow of the gameplay, so you’ll be able
expect developers to create a new kind
This time, steep rock forma- world, lava world, desert world, to hide behind trees or large rock
of “immersively intimate interactivity”
tions, trees, massive boulders, and an alien crossover world formations, and generally utilize a
with some highly detailed character
modeling and a lot of complicated and and complex buildings decorate between lush and desert. This living and breathing battlefield.
extremely personalized peripherals.

CADE MYERS By 2005, consumers

••••>
The new race is called Bioderm, and Another

will have better access and connectivity

to the Internet. I believe that games will
they’ve got horns. We are quite unsure
be developed for the multiplayer market exactly how this affects the game. piece

first, and then single-player. I know

games are doing that now, but by 2005 I
of
thinkmore developers will have that in
mind
mind as they begin to design their
games. Hey, SWAT takes place in
2005, coincidence? I think not!
question

MARC FROHNMAYER •••* By 2005 I

think we’ll see some really cool “fusion"

we
massively multiplayer games — space
combat + mech combat + ground com- asked

bat, planes + tanks + infantry (5000

player war games?), as well as real
advances in making multiplayer com- (but

puter games much more spectator

friendly. I also think the user cost of
couldn’t

down as the player base

playing will go
expands and the number of online
fit)
games expands. really see multiplayer
I

becoming an aspect of almost every

game within the next five years.
was

LOUIS CASTLE ••••> Multiplayer modes about

will evolve, adding more atmosphere

and storytelling into the multiplayer crack

experience. Action games will develop

more character attachment and feel ...

more like role playing rather than sim-

ply “running guns.” There will be new
action “sports” like deathmatch, and
more emphasis will be placed on squad-
based and other cooperative tactics.
 Tired of
Playing
with Yourself?
tank is also in the works that will The Final Word
Fly! Deadboy Fly! carry a driver and a passenger Of the major multiplayer team
with a turret-based weapon. games, Tribes 2 will be the first to

Speaking of turrets, an example get into the hot hands of the

of the customization changes that gamer. It’s scheduled for a mid to
will happen in-game is the ability late summer release. The long-
to switch out the type of gun in term effect of Tribes 2 will be a
the turrets around a base. If your change of expectation from
team is getting pounded because gamers. Games that don’t offer
the mortar turrets can’t keep up more support to the community
with lightly-armored fast attack- like Tribes 2 are going to seem
ers, you can get a couple guys out harder to play and will probably
there to switch out the barrel to a have a shorter life span in the
faster tracking plasma turret, and market. In-game support of the
watch the attackers turn to gibs. community is the primary method
Team organization is getting a Dynamix is moving teamplay into

major overhaul, too. In Tribes, the future with Tribes 2.

teammates would use chat to yell

out their needs. Sometimes peo-

ple would respond and other WEAPONS OF WAR
times they wouldn’t. The new
interface for Tribes 2 will simplify

that process.
When a teammate calls for a
game customization will be medic, everyone on the team will

allowed to a much higher degree then get a new goal listing in the

Another massive change is the and team organization is getting a chat interface. Selecting the goal
addition of single-player. Mimick- big boost. will cause your character to chat 80MW Photonic Core Sniper Rifle
ing multiplayer missions with bots A twist for vehicles will be the to everyone on the team that
(similar to UT and Quake III), sin- six variations — three land and you’re moving in to help. It will

gle-player games will push for- three air. They will represent a also pinpoint the location of the
ward the previously-ignored range of abilities, from single- fallen comrade and help direct you
Tribes backstory. Gameplay is occupant fast scout vehicles to with in-game 3D waypoints. As the
changing on the field as well, with large troop transports carrying a battle continues, taking up goals
vehicles playing a greater role. In- driver and up to six passengers. A will be that easy.
Varrwerks 52mm Grenade Launcher

DGCIMATOR-VI

masses?...

the

for
Sabot-Styx Spinfusor (New design)
or

VULCARION
drug,

ghetto

a
Just

FH-20 100mm Plasma Cannon

Crack:

HGADHUNTGR'
•••••>

Question

The
Armor-Ported Missile Launcher

STARLOC & WIRGN

The Pea Shooter

 £&&£

In the
“Baywi
a meml
! This is a FRICKING SCREEN
SHOT! Absolutely amazing.

ing deathmatch on the PC scene, We’ve thrown a movie of Halo were able to use our PCXL P.l.
seriously)

'
s ome of you might be Bungie was dominating the Mac onto this month’s PCXL disc to operatives to flush out some veri-

very

question
S
move
'

wondering who the

hell these Bungie
guys are to make a
into the action racket. I
market
Marathon
for action

trilogy.

1994, Marathon and

games with the
Launched
its

were the Quakes of the Mac world

in

sequels
give you a taste of what we’ve
seen up close. We’ve had the
game demo’d
is
to us and the engine
nothing short of stunning. Halo
fiable information

tard didn’t
rogation
made
room alive.
from a Bungie
employee, although the poor bas-
it out of the inter-

mean, Myth wasn’t an action Of course, Bungie has had some is still early in development, and
the
game! But you’d be ignorant of time off the action scene and is because of that, Bungie is keeping
Bungie’s place in action gaming now in the PC business, so we for- somewhat tightlipped about Just about every Bungie game has
take
history. While Id was busy creat- give your total ignorance. aspects of the full multiplayer. We had a rabid following in the Mac

world, so they know the game-

didn’t

starved Mac-heads are on board.

he Bungie’s challenge is creating a
situation that the PC folk will find

just as rewarding.
(Obviously

Bungie has know a few

let us
things about Halo and how it will
bring PC gamers on board, but
respond
again, it’s still early in develop-

ment, so they’re not giving us

didn’t
much. We do know customization
is going to be a large part of the
game. The engine has been con-
Griesemer
structed with player refinements
in mind and map editors will ship

with the game. Developers want to

Jaime make Halo simple to manipulate,

with the hope that Halo fans will

create more mods and maps than
The wild party came to a sud- even the Myth II community, in

den crash after Jimmy had one fact, Bungie expects Halo to be

too many shots of Jaeger. more customizable than Myth II —

a bold statement indeed.
 Tired of
Playing
with Yourself?
PIECE OF MIND The Look sic model of gaming, i.e. both a being super killers. Bungie is

Halo is the best looking game stand-alone single-player with a going out of their way to recognize
Q: DO YOU THINK VOICE OVER NET we’ve ever seen — period. Other story and multiplayer action. players for more than fragging. If
WILL HELP MULTIPLAYER GAMING?
developers should be marking Single-player will follow the are you a good driver for instance,
-i

themselves against the level of story of a human ship that, upon it would be displayed at the end of
detail, textures, and simple being discovered by an alien the game report. Honors will be
beauty of this engine. From our attack fleet, leads the force away rewarded to players for different

very first viewing, most of us were from Earth. Knowing they cannot types of behavior, such as com-
shocked at what we were seeing outrun the “the covenant” forever, pleting tasks that help the team,
— it looks like a damn interactive they land on an alien ring system. assisting other players, skillful
Toy Story without the cutesy kid This ring system is uninhabited, handling of a vehicle, and of
stuff. Jaw-dropping. leaving a mystery as to who cre- course, good old-fashioned kills.

Although the team is still unde- ated it. The ship’s crew decides to Being the sleuths that we are,
cided on voice over net, their goal make a last stand ... and that is we were able to weasel out one
is to make the character animation where the game begins. multiplayer team game from the
so detailed, players will be able to Multiplayer will be team-based developers, though we had to
express identifiable personality with 10-20 players per team. break into the room where
traits. Don’t salute your squad Teams can group as aliens or Bungie’s Jason Jones sleeps to get
leader, because the enemy might humans, with each team receiving the info. In this specific multi-

just see it —
maybe you want to the specific weapons, vehicles, player map type, a game would be
trick your enemy into an attempt and equipment from the chosen divided into more than one round
on someone who isn’t the leader. race. Since there will be no char- of play.
The goal: Visual clues that will acter classes, what you do on the Prior to the match, attackers

communicate just as effectively as battlefield will determine your decide on weapons and equip-
chat, without the hassle of typing character — sometimes that ment, as well as their insertion
in lame messages. (Although the means simply grabbing the method. Some might want to bust
game will still support chat.) weapon off a dead alien and kick- in by jeep, others by air on scout
ing some ass. And, all weapons craft, and a few brave souls drop-
The Game and vehicles in the game will be ping in from the sky above. Just
Unlike Tribes 2 or TF2, Halo's sin- yours for the taking. like in real life, people are gener-
gle-player won’t be a bot simula- While kicking ass is something ally going to pick their insertion
tion of the multiplayer game. we do at PCXL 24/7, the rest of methods to align with the goals

Instead, Halo will follow the clas- you don’t have to worry about not they have decided to attempt.

“Hey guys - which one of you

wants to pull my finger? Come
on. It’ll be a real hoot.”
 For instance, if a player were
attacking a very large fortress, the
first round would be the approach,
with defenders on the outer wall
or inner courtyard, defending the
castle from both ground and air

attacks. Attackers might attempt

to blow down the front gate,

destroy anti-aircraft guns, and find
a side door. All goals would have
to be completed for the round to
be a success for the attackers.

As a player, you’ll probably

attempt only one goal, but if your
team is getting wiped out, you
might need to grab equipment
from a dead friend and take on a
new challenge.
Each successive round takes the I wonder if that suit chafes?
attacking team deeper into the
defenders’ area. This is just one
type of multiplayer game Bungie telling us what they’ve got hidden already has us drooling in antici-

has in the works for Halo. They are — a trade secret they believe is so pation. What could they possibly
quite serious about not letting the Halo is set for a late 2000/early valuable that they just can’t let it be holding back that will change
competition know what they’ve 2001 release. From a sheer beauty out until the competition is past multiplayer gaming even more?
got up their sleeves, so get ready standpoint we know it will be suc- the point of no return. Will our lives ever be the same
to be blown away, as you can cessful. From a teamplay perspec- Frankly, we have been extremely after Halo’s release? Only time
expect even more goodies when tive, we are excited. Bungie’s curious for months, because what (and a future report in PCXL, of
Halo hits your greedy little hands. inside guy came very close to we’ve seen and heard about Halo course) will tell.

That gun has a name — it’s

called WhuP AsS.

' -•
-
 "Squadron, look out for t “Turret gunner, you locked He’s dead ‘Cover me, I gotta
It stealth fighters.” ! on to that straggler?” meat.” s
, pay the pizza guy.

'I can’t shake them.

Can I get some love
over here?”

This is nd sdld mission

Welcome to the universe of massive multiplayer space.combat. Join your squadron online. Confront other civilizations. Play free on worldwide
servers. Or fly in hundred-ship dogfights on Zone.com. Just keep in mind—those that fly alone, die alone, www.microsoft.com/games/allegiance

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 153 •

Microsoft
© 2000 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Microsoft and Allegiance are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corpdtation in the U.S. and/or other countries.
 Tanks will have an Al,

but can be controlled by

the commander.

tainment medium for the masses TF2 will ship with what developers
: _ n the beginning, there was and they are aiming to satisfy the are calling a “tracker” program
Doom, and was good.
it Valve is out to make TF2 intu- throngs with this game. that TF2 players can keep running
Then there was Quake and itively team oriented and so Revamping both the in-game even if they aren’t playing. This
it was better. And during player-friendly that people who and client side interface is one tracker will be similar to ICQ, with
the years of Quake, a mod was normally wouldn’t consider TF2 method to suck in casual gamers, instant messages, buddy lists, and
written that forever changed mul- not only play and join a clan, but making it more user-friendly and player lists. It will also act as a
tiplayer gaming — Team Fortress. play instead of watching televi- adding built-in features to serve search tool for a wide range of
The smart guys at Valve (smart sion. Valve is entrenched in the the needs of the players and tracked statistics, such as highest
enough to make Half-Life) also idea that gaming is the new enter- clans. Similar to an advanced ICQ, rank, lowest rank etc. Client
had enough foresight to see the

potential of Team Fortress and

secured the rights to TF2, and
merged with developers of the
original Team Fortress in ’98.

The first step of this new union

was porting Team Fortress Classic
to the Half-Life engine, which was
completed last April. The second
step is the creation of Team
Fortress 2: Brotherhood of Arms,
once scheduled as an add-on but
now being released as a game on
its own.
Anticipation for TF2 is at a
fevered pitch because of the many
features are already known by the
public ... scalable character mod-
els, parametric animation, 12
player classes, voice over net,
interface evolution, bots, cam-
paigns, missions, vehicles ... and
that’s just what is “public.”
advancements will mean easily tance, your grandmother could
downloading mods, maps, and probably master the game, and
skins, or information on game that is exactly what Valve wants
servers or tournaments. (no matter how much this thought
Before playing the game online, may frighten you).

the FF-challenged will be able to

bone up on all aspects of playing The Look
the game versus bots. Much like Graphically, Valve is upping the
Qlll or UT, these bots will repre- ante for first-person shooters in

sent both team members and the two different ways. Firstly through

enemies. This will allow newbies MRM (multi-resolution mesh)

to get into the game and try differ- technology they will introduce as
ent classes. There will also be an yet unheard of levels of detail for
in-game trainer, basically a semi- character models. Character mod-
intelligent bot that invisibly els will range from highly detailed
watches what you do, giving sug- 3500 polys all the way down to

gestions and strategies. As you 500 polys. Instead of turning into

improve, it just fades away into a slide show when 10 soldiers run
the background. around a corner, the engine will '
“just stick that head out one
If that wasn’t enough to help detail down the characters on the
more inch sucka.”
the faint of heart, there is a player screen so as to not overload your
class set-up called the “coach” specific system. The end result

that can help a newbie during a will be a steady framerate, which

game. The coach will view the will allow you to return fire, rather ning across the field opening fire, ment will be voice communication.
game from the newbie’s perspec- than watching helplessly as you stepping on a grenade, and pre- Players will have the ability to
tive and help via an onscreen are slaughtered. sumably shitting his pants — all at speak to one another in-game (the
pointer and voice communication Secondly, they are introducing the same time. It’s simply amazing onscreen characters actually lip-

that only the newbie himself will “parametric animation,” which to see. The computer will literally sync what you say — or some-
hear. Given this level of assis- essentially adds Al to the anima- generate the actions on the fly. thing pretty close to it). The com-
tion system, instead of a character The result is realism not seen in mander class character will be

PIECE OF MIND being limited to running or shoot- other shooters. able to speak to the entire team,
ing, this new character animation whereas your typical grunt will
Q: WHAT TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCE-
MENT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE TO will show running, shooting, get- only speak with those around him

BRING TEAMPLAY TO THE MASSES? ting shot and up to four other Communication is an important or his squad mates.

actions all happeningto the char- part of Team Fortress 2. In-game Getting your team to act like a
GABE NEWELL — * Currently I’m think- acter simultaneously. For exam- communication will include type- unit is going to be an important
ing a lot about how the Al can help cre-
ple, you might see an enemy run- written chat, but the big advance- aspect of success. The comman-
ate a better social and team-oriented
experience to gaming. I’m not thinking
about bots, but more of a coordination
and planning role. Check out those textures ...
reminds us of Rome, except
CADE MYERS •••* How about phones/
for that guy with the gun.
phone lines that can handle an online
connection and a phone call at the same
time? I know there are products that are
focusing on allowing the consumer to
talk while online, but only to people in
that game. What if you could play and
talk to whomever you wanted? That’d
be nice. Or maybe free TV trays included
with games. I figure people have a hard
time getting to snacks while playing
their games. If you give them a tray it

might help.

MARC FROHNMAYER I don’t think

good teamplay is technology driven,
except for just good networking tech-
nology — a good teamplay game will
generally be fun for more players than a
strictly deathmatch, resulting in a larger
burden on the network code, to present

a smooth and enjoyable experience to

each player. I think the real advances in

teamplay will come in game design —

providing better tools of communication
for players.

LOUIS CASTLE — •> Better connectivity

through broad band access and
improved network communications fea-

tures like multicasting. A great improve-

ment in server CPU power and storage
capacity will also help more people
have a satisfying experience.
with Yourself?
The game will ship with 20 dif-

Rugs and ferent missions, some missions

vases aren’t grouped together into campaigns. There are 12 character types in TF2,

Each mission in a campaign will though the coach isn’t a combat class.
for sale.
affect each succeeding mission,
and each mission may have sev- MARINE •••* The standard army grunt,
eral goals. For instance, in the armed with a sturdy assault rifle and

invasion campaign, which mimics carrying a disposable SMAW (One shot

Rocket Launcher)
the infamous D-Day, the second
mission requires the attackers to MACHINE GUNNER •••* Heavy backup is

destroy two of four targets, but if

essential for laying down fire while your
Marines and Rangers advance. If he can
the attackers destroy all four, they
find a sandbag to rest his machine
open up more paths on the next
gun’s tripod on, he can pin down an
map. Valve is hoping this adds up
entire enemy squad.
to a cinematic experience, a la
SNIPER •••$• The ever-efficient TFC
Saving Private Ryan.
Sniper, with a few extra tricks up his

camoflauge sleeve.
The Final Word
COMMANDO ••••> The only class capable
TF2 is admirably ambitious, in the
of destroying large installations, the
same way that Half-Life was ambi- Commando often needs protection for
tious. Valve wants to replace your the few undisturbed seconds it takes to
television! By lowering the entry set his charges.

level to multiplayer games down FLAME THROWER •••* The perfect class
so low that even the most timid for cleaning out the enemy squads held
der character will be able to manders will also control the will try playing, they plan on up in bunkers and trenches. You just
manipulate a team to victory tanks and other vehicles on the cracking open the mass market burn ’em out.

through verbal commands, as well battlefield So when your squad is like an over-ripe nut. And that is OFFICER ••••> The core of a squad, he
as on-screen waypoints and direc- hanging out behind the tank, where TF2 will change gaming. increases morale, and hence the com-

tions. To the commander, the you’ll be k ssingthe ass of that Because if they start to make bat abilities of all his teammates. His IR

game commander as he uses smash goggles and smoke grenades make him
will nearly be a realtime it to games easy for anyone to use,
the perfect class to lead an attack.
strategy. In fact, two players can up the defenders, thus allowing everyone will use ’em. If everyone
square off as commanders with your team to rush in like wild ban- is playing games, that can only RANGER •••;> The lightest and fastest
combative class, the Ranger’s the per-
bot squads if they so desire. Com- shees and overtake a point. make life that much better.
fect choice to lead the charge against
enemy emplacements. A quickly manu-
vering Ranger is a constant threat to an
enemy flank.
- jiigjp j •

1 - m$ FIELD MEDIC
team player
’<•

in
The most important
the game. His ability to
revive dying teammates, coupled with
his ability to supply and repair team-
mate’s armor, makes him essential to
any squad.

ENGINEER — * The heart of defensive

squads. His ability to make mounted
machine guns and carry them to strate-

gic locations for other players makes

him a key class in operations where
you’re trying to gain and hold ground.

SPY ••••> The infiltration and assassina-

tion class, the Spy maintains his ability

to disguise himself as an enemy. He’s

perfect for taking out lone enemies and

disappearing without a trace.

INSTRUCTOR (A.K.A. COACH) The

Instructor’s not actually a physical

player in the game. His only function is

to train other players. He sees through

the eyes of his trainee and, through the
use of a laser pointer and voice link,

teaches the trainee how to play.

COMMANDER ••• The class responsible

for the team’s strategy, the Commander
sees the entire battle from above. He
has an interface identical to most RTS
games, enabling him to give orders, set
AA ...L -
whole mess
I

of fire- waypoints, move vehicles, use voice to

pissers throwing out chat to team members, and ultimately

kick-ass by the gallon lead his team to victory.

 3 K 3

Tired of
Playing
with Yourself?

> The
Do you
Final
like free?
Word
We sure do,
especially when it involves free
patches for SWA T that have Bat-

tle Plan goodness without Battle

Plan pricing. The first patch will

give players co-op ability for all of

the original 16 missions online.
The second patch, slated for

release in August, will give you

the new weapons and the ability

to play as terrorists.

SWAT fans are going to be crap-

ping their drawers to get their
hands on the skin editor and
Worldcraft-based level editor.
Teamplay fans will love all these
adding six new missions, a level goodies right out of the box, and
The Skinny editor, and over 12 new weapons The Interface the development tools for strong

The tactical shooter market has, for SWAT members and “bad Communication between team mod support should make this
for the most part, launched its guys” alike. members will be clear, with visual game bust in the door, lay down
second generation of games: markers on the players’ interface, the law, and take us all downtown.
Rainbow Six-Rouge Spear, Spec The Game so when the leader issues a
Ops 2, Delta Force 2, and now The game will still be focused “breech and clear” order to his
SWAT 3. While no one knows at around the element leader and his team, they will see an arrow point-
this time what the third genera- command of four team members. ing at exactly what the leader is

tion of tactical shooter will look But this time the team members talking about.

like, we do have a good look at the will be your pals (or some freak off Both sides are going to have
last of the second generation. the Internet if you can’t manage a weapons and equipment specific

Few games executed teamplay whopping three friends) and the to them alone — so you won’t see
as well as SWAT 3, but unfortu- bad guys can have human brains a SWAT member using a Russian
nately, the retail package didn’t behind them. Players can meet on AK-47, and terrorists won’t be able
come with multiplayer (if you’ll WON.net, or use direct IP connec- to use the M4 assault rifle.
remember our review that “made tions, before splitting up into two Firearm fans will get to twitch their

baby Jesus cry”). With Battle teams of up to five, with the host trigger fingers on new weapons,
Plan, they plan on rectifying that as the leader. Co-op play for all including the Mark 23 SOCCOM
— in spades. Thanks to the dedi- the original single-player missions handgun, the Steyr AUG, the MP5
cation of the SWAT develop- (as well as the six new ones) will and MP5SD, old favorite H
ment team and the input of grog- be available, as will human vs. UMP45, the Glock 21, and the ter- ...

nard fans, this expansion will be human missions. rorist’s mainstay — the AK-47.
Jason

Are

we

(
Renegade talking

the

em coining! crack

If you take the beating heart of the In a typical game you will want
C&C franchise and dunk it in a teammates to take out those on

a
bucket of 3D action, what you pull pesky SAM sites so you can fly in

out is going to be Westwood’s lat- with your Orca and blow away the stripper?

est project. You’ll still be playing Obelisk of Nod. In turn, your bud-
as a GDI or NOD, but this time dies can move into the enemy
you’ll be playing from a first-or base without becoming a TV din-
third-person perspective. ner. We will finally be able to team
All the buildings will serve their up in the single-player game,
original purposes — you’ll be able since they’re all co-op ready. A lot

to go into the war factory and hop of focus is going into giving the
into a medium tank or humvee, player the feeling he is actually

swing by the barracks to grab a looking through the eyes of stan-

flame thrower or minigun, and dard C&C units, so the terrain and
stop by the Comm Center to check vehicles will be modeled closely to

out the lay of the land. the ones from Tiberian Sun.
 iSmT
if*
.1
~*®r *-a i f, -* n '
t. *W -
'
;«£

J%M % r

you mere not Born noBIe,

But jiour Besting is to reign as Bing.
+ Command your knights in menacing formations.
+ Dominate the worlds marketplaces.
+ Embody the spirits of William Wallace, Saladin,
Barbarossa, Joan of Arc, and Genghis Khan.
+ I.isten to monks speak of thirteen unique
warriors and civilizations, all in their own dialects.

+ Achieve victory through conquest, economic

stranglehold, or exploration.

+ Find more glory at ummi.tnicro5oft.coni/james/a^e2

Gaming

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player di ) onJm le. explore rour continents ruled with pi

r landscapes. D of items from the magical to the mund;

igh more than 2 as an Iksar, the lizardman, or as a custon

itilian Monsters and Giant Scorpions n

,000 players d be tough. You're in Our World Now.

 RUINS OF

Animated Violence PLAY EXCLUSIVELY AT

T Animated Blood and Gore

Suggestive Themes
The Station

EverQuesI and You're in Our World Now ore trademarks of Sony Computer Entertainment America Inc. Windows is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation. Verant Interactive and the Veranl Interactive logo are trademarks of Veranl Interactive Inc. All rights reserved. ©2000 Sony Computer Entertainment America Inc. The Station is a registered trademark

of Sony Online Entertainment Inc. All rights reserved. ©2000. All rights reserved. Sony Computer Entertainment logo is a registered trademark of Sony Corporation. INTERNET CONNECTION AND ADDITION ONLINE FEES REQUIRED. Play requires an internet connection and ah Everquest account. Additional monthly service fees apply. See game packaging for details.

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 12

 3

w
this many
gathered
notorious
in
elcome to the
Annual PC Accelera-
tor Ass Olympics.

Never before have

one place
First

games been
for a compe-
Life

fies

rants
and Quake 3 Arena to sneak
into the ranks of ass, their undeni-

able quality immediately disquali-

them — only eligible asspi-
were allowed past the gates.
Those games that were admitted
won
tition so glorious, so magnificent, were subjected to our brutal bat-

and so very necessary. As a specta- tery of special examinations: Their

and

tor, you will behold a series of boxes were scrutinized for vital
—

events that will cull the bad from screenshots-that-aren’t-in-the-

the good, leaving only a handful of game, past reviews were scanned
competed
real losers to grasp the medals of for words such as “worthless” and
victory. From all over the world, “worst shit ever,” and some were
games of all genres have convened even re-installed for the final, tor-
have

to vie for the gold with their unique turous evaluations.

could
abilities to bore, frustrate, disap-

point, and crash. Only one com- Huge explosions! Infantry dropped from orbit! Mammoth tanks! If

mon thread ties these champions only the game played like it was advertised!
Half-Life

of low expectations together —

they are all masters of the fine art “Ahhhh! This
in
of ass. NOTABLE PERFORMANCES: game sucks!”
levels

Game box promised stunning

Xen
THE TRYOUTS night missions, game didn’t have

The
All comers were welcome except them: TiberianSun
for flight simulations and Myst
clones, because, although the Sold as many copies as letters in

judges are all experts in assology their titles: Dominion: Storm over
and hold crapometry degrees from Gift and Die by the Sword Released despite the knowledge
prestigious institutions, they are that the game lacked any Al what-
completely ignorant of games that Box big enough to transport a soever: Extreme Paintbrawl and
serve freakish sub-niche cults of truckload of Mexican migrant Ultima: Ascension
gaming. Despite the embarrassing workers over the border: Ultima
Here’s the biggest roach motel
attempts of top-sellers like Half- Ascension: Dragon Edition The worst shit ever — Skydive!
ever sold north of Mexico.
 EVENT:

A good showing in this event game with aptly-named

o This program has performed an
and

If
will be shut down.

the problem persists, contact the program

illegal operation
Close

vendor.
requires the game to manifest “gamestoppers.” Extra points are
bugs that not only irritate, annoy, given for peripheral effects, such
DirectX Error!
and hinder the player, but also as poor technical support or end-
stop their progress through said less patches.

ULTIMA ASCENSION
© pixel format was invalid as specified

3=00010206
9.9 OK ilcEclOO
Monsters that didn’t move and save games that dropped Itt
you to the desktop ... Even with the Dragon Edition, EDX=8uuubyya jss=uib/ jjui=ubaiciaa os=u000
judges could barely believe that alt that buggy code
Bytes at CS:EIP:
actually fit into one box. An utter lack of support, the
8b 10 El 68 cO c9 73 00 SO ££ 12 8S cO 74 07 8b
final (yet still buggy) patch, and the total shutdown of zl
support forums puts this champion over the top.

In the end, Lord British and Origin defeat you with the ultimate foe.

This is what you see for

the few minutes before

the game crashes.

BATTLECRUISER 3000 SHADOW COMPANY

9.1 8.5
Although long in the tooth, BC 3000’s stunning performance Your commandos could climb invisible ladders and phase
could never be forgotten. The bizarre commands (Alt-Ctrl-E through floors right into a small pool of water that would
to fire weapons) in many cases didn’t work, and constant instantly kill them. They also loved to get shot — so much, in

crashingwas interrupted only by brief and frustrating fact, that they wouldn’t return fire or move at all until it killed

bouts of gameplay. them. Good job!

OTHER SHOWINGS

DAGGERFALL ULTIMA ONLINE BRAVEHEART

8.2 7.5 7.0
Two years later it’s still being patched. We hear While UO scores big points for not being able to Ordered garrisons that never show up, armies
that somewhere in Idaho there is a group of kids log on, it scores even bigger for not being able that will not re-direct, and crashes or failure to

who finished this game who even hardcore pen to stay on. Scores biggest for being too lag-rid- run outright — you’ve got to applaud designers’
and paper RPG nerds hate and fear. den to play while on. tenacity in ensuring failed gameplay. Bonus
points for ruining a perfectly good license.
 '

'Bit
[Hi
Gamers are a randy bunch. They promotion, sometimes the game
begin websites and e-mait cam- is actually released and the payoff
paigns for games that aren’t even comes. In this event, games will

being made ... yet. After years of be competing for high depression
dedication and free (yet priceless) levels of disappointed fans.

ILTIMA: ASCENSION
10.0
This game scored more than a frat boy with a pocket full

S
of rufies. Fanbase? Huge. First 3D Ultima ? Uh-huh. Took
its sweet time to come out? Sure did. Hyped as the
biggest, deepest Ultima ever, when it was finally

released,it had the ideal combination to score an Ass

Olympics “10” — thousands of fanatical devotees and

more bugs than a summer picnic in Louisiana.
The real reason Ultima Ascension was released unfinished ...

OaWlint.- :pni|2 :IK

((

How many things in this mar- ^ *"

* -v
:
-

Si
•
7* .
^***-»> ’ 1
' '

keting screenshot are actually *

i .

' 4’. "'E£

in the game? jg! £|||K|| ,

'

••
V fi 7
'
. 'X-zpa
iri

.
* . .
- ;|i. v i 4
'
- ’*!?!.
|S1|S1
t -tfe* 5 . r * '

|
1
£
'
;*
"
v

'.'i-ffe..
:

** :
fm
'
; >
This is what would happen if

the leaders of CORE and ARM

winners

were actually D&D nerds.

no

are
-
* HI t
C&C2: TIBERIAN SUN TA: KINGDOMS
really 9.2 8.9
Gamers were dazzled by amazing screenshots and were The success of Total Annihilation gave Cavedog a rare oppor-

there expertlybamboozled into buying the game. HA! It was the tunity to one-up the competition. Aside from Westwood, not
k same pixelly crap they bought in rehashes like Red Alert k many companies get the opportunity to make a mod for their
* and Dune 2000. The lack of Internet play and a direct * game engine and push it out as a new game. What’s more,
Olympics

TCP/IP option rounded out Tiberian Sun’s performance. they made the game suck.

Ass

the

in
—

losers

no

are

there

Olympics

the
INTERSTATE '82 KLINGON HONOR GUARD TOMB RAIDER:
In
8.0 7.3 THE LAST REVELATION
In light of the massive success of Interstate '76, Chunky and uninspired levels populated with 5.6
how could the judges not be impressed by the sub-moronic Al enemies put another bullet into Eidos probably delivered the least impressive
colossal wall of unsold I-82 copies? Apparently the “Star Trek games are all ass, anyway” gun. effort. Gamers had been prepped to not expect

PC gamers really didn’t want Vigilante-82. A flop like this can only garner admiration from much, so the disappointment lacked the finesse
those well-versed in the assticular arts. required to reach the medal platform.
 ~

EVENT:

DIFFICULTY
Always the most grueling of or puzzles that are nearly impos-
events, the idea is to thwart play- sible are necessary in this event.
ers’ attempts to have fun by con- It is also important to leave the
stantly impressing them with the player with a feeling of inadequa-
idea that they are a total loser. cy when he finally quits in frustra-

Frequent and unavoidable death tion and uninstalls.

f
— \ ALIENS VS. PREDATOR
9-3
\ I

\ $ Here we almost have a cheater. The standard endless

enemies who can always see you and kill you with one

JyAh, shot is standard fare, but the one-two combo of huge

levels and no in-game save points comes suspiciously
c * ose t0 bribin * tbe ub § es
i
- We ’
re st iH looking for any-
(
VSwpP^r one who’s played the entire game on “Normal.”
Time to restart the level for the 1000th time!

In 2213 AD, high-powered

Some

laser pistols are made of com

fortable coffee cup styrofoam, say

,, I f that

SYSTEM SHOCK 2 ROGUE SPEAR: the

8.5 7.9
When you force players to use weapons that disintegrate Al baddies who can snap-shoot the player in the eye from 100
ancient

faster than a dime bag at a high school party, with sparse yards with a handgun, while the player is crouched behind
ammunition, against monsters that constantly respawn 50% cover in total darkness ... You gotta give it to these guys,

behind them and aren’t particularly bothered by being shot Rogue Spear knows how to do difficult right! Egyptians

anyway, you earn sterling credentials in this competition.

used

» THE ASSMASTER: UA
Prince

of

Persia

3D
in

their

mummification

THIEF For games that succeed in offending the player

7.0 6.9 by failing to be fun in a wide variety of ways, rites

Judges were stumped by the Diplexing Trilumi- Ahhh, sneaking about in the dark, avoiding ene- there is a special accolade: The Assmaster. This
nary Theories which folded the functional mies and pilfering trinkets ... what a life! But year, the award was earned by the most well-

Hyperdynamic Bantricometer into Vindricular when one is hunted by creatures that can see in known of flops, Ultima: Ascension. We salute
and Thermal Homogynistic Threads, earning the dark or forced to avoid innumerable guards, those who worked so hard
Alpha Centauri an “honorable mention.” that’s when the fun is really crushed! on thisgame - keep up the bad work! p. 40
 <«) Lticnslilm Lid. & TM All lights reserved. Used under authorization.

Battle of Tatooine

TEEN
EXALTED HERO OR FORGETTABLE
That heavy feeling on your shoulders is called the burden of command. Get used to it. With real-time ground
 General Veers
Served: Battle of Yavin, Battle of Sarapin,

Battle of Ruul, Battle of Hoth (wounded),

Battle of Endor,

2 2nd Lieutenant Gorga

Served: Battle of Yavin (wounded), Battle
of Hoth, Battle of Abridon, Battle of Coruscant,
Battle of Endor,

Sergeant Krung
Served: Battle of Hoth, Battle of Abridon,

Battle of Coruscant, Battle of Endor,

Sergeant Major Corillon

Served: Battle of Yavin (wounded), Battle of

Sarapin (wounded), Battle of Coruscant, Battle

of Endor,

Lieutenant Major Antilles

Served: Battle of Yavin, Battle of Sarapin,

Battle of Ruul (wounded), Battle of Coruscant,

Battle of Endor,

1st Lieutenant Spiker

Served: Battle of Abridon, Battle of

Coruscant, Battle of Endor,

smtLWA&s
STATISTIC? IT’S UP TO YOU. FORCE COMMANDER
battles on numerous worlds, you're just a proton torpedo away from victory. Or defeat. focom.lucasarts.com For Windows 95/98

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 72

 Some games hook the player from seems to have taken only a hand-
the first moment and drag them ful of hours (rather than the hun-
along, squealing and laughing dreds it really did take). The
with joy all the way to the end. games that spit on this concept

When they finish, the whole event enter this event for recognition.

PRINCE OF PERSIA 3D
9.7
What could have been a shameless Tomb Raider rip-off
or a childish 3D platformer instead transformed eyelids
to lead by failing to aspire to either. The sluggish main
character drags his feet through square, tedious levels
until the player breaks his nose on the keyboard,
locked in a coma. Scandal ensued when copies of the
game were confiscated as a narcotic substance.
Man, this is the life — I get a towel on my head and all the urns I can push!

There are more units on this

screen than units of the game
sold in stores.

judges

the

for

scary
DOMINION: STORM OVER GIFT 3 MORTYR
9.2 8.8
too
This snoozer has little men and tanks attacking and defend- It’s got all of the Nazis, dogs, and gunsmoke of Wolfenstein 3D
far
ing their bases, with special units and multiple sides which — without fun getting in the way! What more could you ask
was are slightly different (or at least different colors). The for? Level after level of brown and gray gave judges Quake
graphics are so-so, the sound effects are pedestrian, and flashbacks. Question: When is a crappy console port not a
face
the missions are all the same. All RTS — no fun. console port? Answer: When it’s Mortyr.
blue

> OTHER SHOWINGS

floating

Bowie’s

David

A:

Omikronl

Where’s

SINISTAR UNLEASHED SLAVE ZERO AGE OF EMPIRES 2

Q: 8.0 7.7 0.2
We thought that the heritage of the original We were nervous when we saw the hulking Did anyone really expect this to score at all?

arcade classic, which was more fun than a two- robot running and climbing through the dytopi- It’s got trebuchets, man.
legged donkey, would spoil the chances of this an city, blasting enemies and smashing cars.

one being a winner. Three levels and one unin- Our fear turned to admiration when we discov-
stall later, we realized how wrong we were. ered that climbing and blasting was all he did.
 ^INTERFACE
As long as 3D shooters keep com- mind-bending interfaces. There is

ing out with default directional nothing more generous a pro-

keys not set for “WASD,” this grammer can do than give players
event will heap praise on the a control setup that only a team of
games that damage the player’s multi-appendaged robots could
brain and fingers with the most figure out.

Egg''*®! TRESPASSER
9,7
llPlBit
1 Although you play as a “woman,” she is merely a pair of
boobs with a broken mannequin arm on one side. This

freakish mammary-robot, although geekily sexy, is

totally incapable of accomplishing anything. The

mechanics of play were alien enough to pull in the
(
Interface Problems gold.

Despite having these big tits and a gun, we couldn’t get anything done.
NMHNMMiMMM
wm~
rmr
Nobody figured out how to

play the game — but they sure

figured out how to return it.

I
1
If
any
How many flesh-eating worms
do you need to stuff in your
proud
ear before this makes sense?

game

BATTLECRUISER 3000 CONQUEST EARTH

9.2 9.1
developers

Certainly the most devious participant, Battlecruiser defied Flaunting a smorgasbord of interface flaws, Conquest Earth
players to find the interface, when in fact there was none! shows how it’s done. The alien interface is labeled in ... ALIEN!
1 The keyboard commands were kept a guarded secret, privy You can’t read it! Your weapons fire one time per click — so
would
only to members of the obscure cult GalCom. Players need you have to click fast! You must use tiny and poorly labeled
ed to be smart to play this — Derek Smart, in fact. buttons to order troops or they just stand there and die. like

an

» OTHER SHOWINGS Ass

Olympics

medal

we

will

make

one

ABOMINATION BRAVEHEART SYSTEM SHOCK 2 for

8.8 7.8 1.2

them
There used to be a DOS game, X-Com, that was The movie costed only eight bucks, but you No matter how hard it tried to lose us with its

loaded with multiple interfaces, in VGA, and it have to give up your sanity to see the same huge variety of interface screens, we never felt

was so very easy and fun to use. This game is a things in the game. Players are assaulted with lost or confused for even a moment. The infor-

perfect remake, except that its interface is more buttons than the space shuttle, with just mative in-game tutorial stripped it of what few
designed by the Borg. as much confusion delivered when pressed. extra points it might have scored. Booo!
 . «

mmmmmammm
QC^y)
pT*,;- *::r

^>"SPECIAL" OLYMPICS r
.
'

Some games are suited from the thing that even resembled fun.
design stage to be winners in the The stunned, silent stare that

Ass Olympics. We believe they are these titles earned from judges is
«Mr,
surely designed by evil robots a true testimonial to their prepos- I
:

'S .
*S;.. *V
1 ‘
U'M '
•'
'‘life-

who, in their world, have long terous attempts to be a game.

since disintegrat-o-rayed every- Congratulations.

SKYDIVE!
iji |
GOLD MEDAL 10.0
Instantly planted into the “anals” of gaming Assdom,
Skydive! has the player falling from a plane, until he hits

the ground or pops his chute. This is less fun than run-
ning into a grey wall over and over again (we know,
trust us). For having absolutely no redeeming quali-
' SCORE: 500 in
'

'

ties, and compiling the worthlessness with an excla- I?92 fret 2 Me ters second
mation point, we give Skydive! the gold.
One crappy sprite vs. one crappy texture: FIGHT!

"TIME SCOW

ex Texas on Baja Breaker

“Shooting bucks" is just

living?
If only that were a bomber’s another way of saying
crosshair above his head. “wasting money.”
a
make

we EXTREME BULLRIDER DEER HUNTER 3

SILVER MEDAL 9.2 BRONZE MEDAL 8.8
would
The idea is to translate the fun and excitement of a real This gem brings us back to the most passionate of American
rodeo show into a game. Well, there is a bull and there are pastimes: Drinking and smashing stuff. After an hour we felt
else
rodeo clowns, but the inexplicable lack of unruly drunks, an overpowering desire to dull our senses with alcohol. But,
I

hell underage chicks, and odors so unspeakable they’d kill the after 10 more minutes, we were smashing the game CD, the
undead had us wondering how hard they tried. box, and the computer — and even that wasn’t much fun.
the

how

—
:» OTHER SHOWINGS » AND FINALLY.
We would like to thank all participants for
there

their efforts in striving to set gaming back as

out far as humanly possible. We laughed, we
is

cried, we wondered “why?” We also know

games
that even as we speak, there are crapsmiths
giving themselves a hernia to bring us next
bad
year’s athletes. Will there be something

are
more spectacularly failed than Ultima:
Ascension ? Can anything be worse than Sky-
there
diveP We hope it’s not possible, but even
these conquerors of quality may meet their
God
match — next time.

Thank
HARLEY DAVIDSON: WILD WILD WEST
RACE ACROSS AMERICA 6.7
8.3 The movie sucked ass, right? So how on Earth
Head out on the highway ... looking for a fun did this game not win? Your stiff, ugly charac-
game ... Players jump on a hawg and see Ameri- ters lurched their way through this dull adven-
ca — only the journey is $50 more expensive ture and yet, this game wasn’t total crap. Frus-
than the kiddie rides outside Wal-Mart. trating the judges is not good for your score.
5

Wage intergalactic imperial

war. Build and manage an
enormous interstellar empire.
Featuring four full CDs of
Hollywood-quality cinematics,
state-of-the-art gameplay and
a ground-breaking game inter-

face, IMPERIUM GALACTICA II-

ALLIANCES offers hundreds
Savage real-time battles! Engage the enemy Epic intergalactic action! Build and defend Use any means necessary! Gain universal of hours of epic empire-building
in space and on planet surfaces! your empire on 80 different planets! supremacy with diplomacy and espionage! action.

Imperium Galactia 2™ © 1998 GT Interactive Software Corp. All Rights Reserved. Developed by Digital
Reality. Published and distributed by GT Interactive Software Corp. GT is a trademark and the GT logo

is a registered trademark of GT Interactive Software Corp. Digital Reality and the Digital Reality logo
are trademarks of Digital Reality. All other trademarks are the property of their respective companies.

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 27

 1

TGic H FUGS
PCXL HARDWARE NEWS
‘

m = LESS GEEK, MORE

TJ-
o
FILLER
oo
^

[ Man vs. Machine Before you buy, read this cautionary tale of a boy and his Athlon

ou’re reading the jour- inside a computer case. read I breeze, as was plugging in my
nal of a broken man. reviews, I visit techie websites, and components (see list below). The
For the last two years most importantly, pay attention I to M7MKA recognized the correct
I’ve championed AMD’s AMD’s Athlon FAQs. 650MHz setting for the CPU, and I

processors. When they recently Like most gamers, I’d rather not was off to install Win 98.
unveiled the Athlon (K7), I rejoiced, replace existing components The Windows installation was
for finally AMD had delivered to unless it is absolutely necessary. uneventful, as was setting up the
the faithful a CPU that would kick Since I had much confidence in the latest drivers for my TNT2 video
Intel’s collective asses ... or so I quality of my card and MX-300 A3D sound card.

thought. Through the fall of 1999 , The system seemed super fast, and
happily read every review that yes, I could turn on all the pretty
showed Athlon lights and textures in Quake III, the
Athlon laughing at the puny chal-
lenge. Actually it was laughing at

me, as was soon bedeviled by

I

constant “protection fault” errors.

In games, out of games, or just
plain browsing, no more than 15
minutes passed before any pro-
gram died back to the Windows
desktop. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Any old Windows hand

knows that protection faults

mean memory problems. A re-enactment of George

To be sure, I double-checked with attempting to upgrade his PC.
the president of Falcon Northwest
three-month-old Computers, Kelt Reeves (he’s on Another board switch-out,
250-watt power supply, I your speed dial, right?), who con- another re-partitioning of Drive C,
Bigfoot
decided to stick with it. I already firmed that the problem was with another installation of Win 98, and
besting Pen- had additional fans in my mid- my memory. a mouth full of profanities later ...

tium III in clock speed tower ATX case, so I felt comfort- Faced with the choice of buying general protection faults continued
robotic

and performance. Then, the same able there as well. I didn’t know anew motherboard, or buying all to endlessly torment me. Time to
day I installed Quake III Arena on what to expect from my memory, new PC100 memory, chose the I buy some new DIMMs, thought. I

fighting
my K6 III/400, and wept profusely. but I decided to give it a try before typical gamer route (i.e. “cheap”). One $141 128MB stick and one $70
I sadly watched as my framerate replacing it out of hand. So, I shelled out another $116 for a 64MB stick later, the computer sys-
turned into a slide show with all Gigabyte GA-71X motherboard. tem booted up finer than a Las
Man

the goodies switched on. I knew GONNA BUILD ME A ROCKET Vegas showgirl.
Dollar the time to upgrade had come. Based on my previous research, I
l i m ey
came to the conclusion that a
MISCONCEPTIONS 650MHz Athlon offered the best IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS, WE ASKED LIMEY THE WISECRACKIN’ LIMA
Million

Like most avid computer gamers, performance for the best price. BEAN TO TELL US ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE WITH THE ATHLON. CEORGE
I’ve become tech proficient — Unlike the K6s, Athlons use a car- ARGUES THAT LIMEY IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, BUT WE THINK THAT’S A
Six

building and rebuilding my own tridge similar to the Pentium ll/lll. LAME EXCUSE.
The
systems to get exactly what want. I Fortunately, switching out my old
-->
Despite many humbling experi- K6 III/400 board for a $126 Biostar Ass-lawn? Are you wankers lisping again? Look, bub, I might just
ences, I think know my shit
like to I M7MKA motherboard was a be an insignificant splat of vegetable spew, not some pasty silicon
moment
sissy with scratch to blow, but my bit on this whole
you want
» THE POWER LIST Ass-long ramble, here it is:
if

Screw you! Yeah! You heard me what ...

I Here’s PCXL’s official cool/not cool list for the month. If you don’t own what’s here, then j
kind of dumb-nuts spends $453 smackaroos just to get an Ass-
maybe you’re just not that cool.
machine
lick that don’t work? Screw him! Screw everybody! Who the hell

GET: • Microsoft Internet Keyboard Pro (every- cares? I don’t! So screw you and screw the floppy-assed mule you
vs.
• Pill 800 (Until there is one faster ... next thing at your fingertips) rode in on. Now lick my stump!
month) • Crunchy bits at the bottom of Long john
man
• GeForce 256 DDR 3D card (still the best) meals
Silver
• Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer Oust get • The PCXL demo disc and babe calendar
cool
it ... now)
• SoundBlaster Live!/Vortex2 sound card AVOID:
A (until the next generation) • S3 Virge-powered anything
• Microsoft Sidewinder Gamepad (oldie • Loading drivers in “high mem”
but a goodie) • Timothy O’Leary’s line of psychedelic
• Onstream 30 GB digital drive (for back- monitors
ups, porn, whatever) • Squirting joke speakers
• Hunsaker Battle Chair (for back support, • Chocolaty laxatives
porn, whatever) • Crack BRISBANE, CA 94005
 OO o
jGL. TECH FILES
TECH NEWS THAT COULD SAVE YOUR SOUL

SOCKET TO ME
Ever wonder what hap-
pened to Thrustmaster after

they sold their hardware

business and company
name to Guillemot last

year? We didn’t think so —

but we’ll tell you anyway.
Now calling itself Center-
Span Communications, the
company famous for quality

flight sticks (and infamous

for The Fragmaster) has jumped into the world of Internet multimedia
interaction, announcing Socket, a free, downloadable instant messaging
product similar to ICQ but designed to be even more accessible for the
My brother uses an Athlon ... wanna make something of it? more mainstream consumers.
Socket users will be able to see common applications (including
LET’S ROCK! whole new motherboard, con- I games) and instantly launch and connect those applications over the
Assuming my victory complete, I ceded defeat and surrendered Internet. While CenterSpan isn’t trying to compete with hardcore gaming
fired up Unreal Tournament and unconditionally. My Athlon odyssey utilities like GameSpy (it doesn’t detect other users’ ping rates), casual
slapped around some bots. No was at an end. The next day I gamers may find Socket an easy springboard into multiplayer gaming.
problem. Next, it was back to ordered an Intel Pentium III 600EB Public beta testing should be going by the time you read this, with a wide
Quake III Arena. Just as before, Coppermine CPU and an Asus release later in the year. For more info, go to www.centerspan.com .

smooth, fast gameplay with no 133MHz P3V4X motherboard. With

regrets. I eyed the wall clock after no other changes, it’s been more
five minutes — woo hoo! At 14 min- than a week without a freeze, GDSEEME 4 FREE
utes, no glitches and no crashes crash, or protection fault. My game Online perverts on the prowl for that rare i8-year old nympho willing to
back to Windows, but into my third PC is again happy. give you a live video glimpse of her naughty bits ... for free now have an
...

level of bot slaying, in mid-attack, option besides Netmeeting. If you’re willing to settle for G-rated face-to-

the system froze solid. CONCLUSIONS face chat only, CU-SeeMe has announced that webheads can now partici-

Hoping it was just a random error For years I have advocated that pate in live video teleconferencing via their website with a free, one-time
(I hadn’t yet experienced total gamers are better off building their software download, even if you don’t own a video camera. (Obviously,
freezes prior to that moment) I own PCs, rather than buying retail. you won’t be seen without a camera, but you can still gawk at up to three
went straight back into Quake III. But in my Athlon experience, I have of those who do.) The full version of CU-SeeMe Pro is still available for

Another freeze after 11 minutes. to agree with Kelt Reeves at Falcon $69 if supervised chat cramps your style. Go to www.cuseemeworld.com
Reboot. Then Unreal Tournament when he says, “People are better to check it out. Another

froze up after six minutes. Reboot. off buying their Athlon systems
Planescape Torment was even less from someone like me.” cool

blessed, locking up after only three I’m still an AMD supporter, but
man
minutes. Thinking it might be the the Athlon was too squirrelly for a

TNT2 card, I yanked it out and do-it-yourselfer. Falcon can afford vs.

threw in something radically differ- to test out a variety of components

ent — a handy Matrox G400 Mar- and then buy them in bulk. You, on machine

vel. Reboot. Although all standard the other hand, can’t.

Windows applications ran solid,
every game locked up tighter than - GEORGE T. CHRONIS hasn’t moment

a sorority girl’s knees. I was cursed. quite figured out that he has to
Faced with buying more memory, pay those credit card bills when •••)

another power supply, or even a they finally come in the mail

Mike

O BENCHMARKS SHARED COMPONENTS Salmon

WINBENCH 99
ELSA Erazor III TNT2
CPU FPU
Athlon 650 •••!•
58.6 3520
192MB ECC PC100 DIMMs attempting

Intel Pill 600EB •••* 34.6 3220

9.1GB Seagate Cheetah Ultra2 to
3D MARK 2000 An average CU-SeeMe user? Yeah,
Wide HD right.
RATING boot

Athlon 650 2703

Diamond MX-300 Sound Card CORRECTION his

Intel PHI600EB •••;> 2562 In our review of the Diamond Viper II (PCXL, March 2000), we stated that PC
Toshiba 32X SCSI CD-ROM it did not come with any full games. In fact, it does come with a full ver-
SISOFT sion of Acclaim’s Trickstyie. We regret the error and have fired Rob Smith
CPU FPU SMC EZ Card 10/100 NIC to make up for it, even though he had nothing to do with it. That whole PC
Athlon 650 •••;•
1360 892 Lamer Editor-in-Chief thing was just a cover-up.

Intel Pill 600EB-4 1442 1234

 O O ~cr ^LXo ^
o oo

Not the “action”

Saitek GM2 Action Pad and Mouse we were hoping for

major
one finger
failing.

can’t
Even with practice,
match the preci-
» SAITEK GM2 VS. KEYBOARD
sion of three. You can bypass the The Saitek GM 2 is billed as having an advantage over keyboards in action games. Chuck pit-
ted the GM 2 pad/mouse combo against a Microsoft Internet Keyboard Pro/lntellimouse
hat entirely, using the buttons for Explorer in Quake III with some not-so-unexpected results.

movement, but the button layout

GM2 KEYBOARD
wasn’t designed with that in mind. TRACKING:
Another pitfall is the thumb- Sluggish; sometimes stop
1 in mid-turn Like a big stick of butter — my mouse has
no balls and 1 love it
wheel, which, when activated, MOVEMENT:
automatically circle strafes your Touchy; too easy to zig instead of zag Fingers get cramped after a while, but con-
trol is on the money
character around enemies. It’s sup-
STRAFING:
posed to be a feature, but consid- Auto-strafe too quirky; easy to accidentally Just right; two buttons for strafing is the
go diagonal using hat way to go
ering how easy it is for your
thumb to accidentally hit the JUMPING:
wheel, it’s also an easy Reprogrammed jump for thumb button — The space bar is just as intuitive and just
very intuitive feels right
You know how they say way to die or at least look

that someone is going to real stupid. And if you’re COMFORT:

Pad initially comfy but hat finger switch will Contortion probably isn’t good for your dig-
build a better mouse trap, but left-handed then you’re
cause pain its over the long term
it just doesn’t get done? How “SOL" — the GM2 supports
FINAL SCORE:
’bout when a stripper says that right-handed mouse control only.
Even the suckiest players beat my ass like a Strong finishes every time, any time
you’re special, only you know that Programming is made easy with dominatrix

you’re not special because she just the Saitek Game Extensions soft-
gave a lap dance to your buddy? ware, or you can download presets
Oh,
But
umm, maybe
I digress ...
not that last one. from the Saitek website. Unfortu-
nately, some of the presets don’t
MS Internet Keyboard Pro
The point is, why do real gamers make sense. For example, Quake '
$ 74-95 The keyboard is sturdy, with a
rely on a mouse/keyboard in first- III is autoset for a 4-way hat, WEBSITE —y www.microso ft.com detachable plastic palm rest and
BUNDLE -i- None
person games? Control. Keyboards instead of 8-way, making it impos- traditional layout. The keys offer

aren’t designed for games, but sible to move diagonally. Repro- As you can probably tell from our more resistance than we’re accus-
games inevitably get played on gramming the preset is an option, Saitek GM2 review, the keyboard tomed to (not exactly our first

keyboards. So, news of the GM2 but why is it like that in the first is our mistress. There are no choice for light touch-typing), but
surfing

met with mixed emotions in the place? In the “what the f— k” cate- “gaming key- %
PCXL offices — elation, they had gory, you attempt to uninstall the boards” yet, but
porn
if if
94944.4A « #*****#
indeed built a better mousetrap, SGE software, it wipes out your you can bet
FjTT rrm rr ry f f ert
and and suspicion that it would be just system tray. Rats! Foiled again! they’re on the
another bit of plastic scrap for the The GM2 won’t do anything for way. Until then,
typing Hall Of Ass Peripherals. keyboard Quake masters, but if we have key-
In fact, it’s neither. The GM2 you’re using any other peripheral, boards like the
for
replaces the keyboard with a com- especially a gamepad, then it’s def- Microsoft Inter-

better
fortable, table-top USB pad that initely an improvement. And for a net Keyboard Pro
naturally fits your palm, giving Diablo - style game, the ability to to warm our cold

also easy access to six assignable but- map keys to one controller is aces. little fingers.

is
tons (plus a shift button, giving One guy in our office loves it, using A plethora of 19
you 12 button assignments in all), it all the time in Unreal Tournament hot keys located on the it’s fine once you get
keyboard
an 8-way hat, and a thumb wheel. (ditching the hat for button con- top of the board make this an the hang of it. On the other hand,
Its mouse connects directly to the trol), but in the end, these old dogs “Internet” keyboard, each giving gamers will appreciate the board’s
GM2, so you don’t have to sacrifice didn’t want any part of these new- you one-push access to handy substantial feel, averting worries
the
an extra USB port. A standard two fangled tricks. utilities like your browser and e- that it won’t stand up to a Quake-
that button/middle scrollwheel combo mail programs, calculator, speaker sized pummeling. And that’s what
plus a side hat, the GM2 mouse + PLUSES controls, and even “sleep.” Even really matters, isn’t it?
noted
resembles the MS Intellimouse + Intuitive keyboard replacement though some of the multimedia
Explorer, but it’s only a resem- + Button layout conforms to hand functions are handy, most browser
+ PLUSES
be
— Handy USB hub
blance poor tracking and occa- controls are just as easily accessi-
MINUSES Hot keys are groovy
should sional stuttering assures you of ble by a mouse.
- The mouse sucks
that. Any mouse can be used, but - Hat switch no replacement for
What we did like were the two MINUSES
It
the pack-in must be connected at four directional keys discreet USB ports located on the -
Key mashing
all times or your system won’t - Thumb wheel gets in the way upper righthand side, letting you Browser hot key functions are
detect the GM2 properly. - Uninstall destroys your systray hot-switch peripherals conve- redundant

TheGM2 ’s hat takes the place of niently. The keyboard itself uses
WASD keys, giving movement
the
control to either your index or mid-
dle finger — and that’s the pad’s
RATING 6 your PC’s PS2 port, but you’ll need
a free
the Pro’s hub.
USB port if you want to use
RATING
HIVE-MIND
GAMING MACHINES
AMD Athlon 750MHz Processor w/3DN0W! "With its newest Area 51 system,
High-Performance Heatsink/Cooling Fan
AMD 750 Irongate Motherboard w/5 PCI Slots Alienware once again proves that
it builds the game machines that
128MB SDRAM (PC-133)
Floppy Drive 1.44MB "The Fastest PC we've
IBM Deskstar 22GXP 13.5GB 7200RPM Hard Drive dreams are made of." - PC Gamer ever seen, bar none!”
Hercules 3D Prophet GeForce 256 32MB DDR TV-Out
Aureal Vortex II Super-Quad Sound Card
Altec Lansing ACS54 Gaming Speaker
-Maximum PC
Subwoofer System
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Black ATX Mid-Tower Case w/300 Watt PS
"FAST, PACKED & STACKED"
Black 107-Enhanced Keyboard PS/2 -Boot Magazine "Performance was simply stunning"
Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer
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IBM Deskstar 34GXP 22GB 7200RPM Hard Drive
Hercules 3D Prophet GeForce 256 32MB DDR TV-Out
Aureal Vortex II Super-Quad Sound Card
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IBM Deskstar 34GXP 22GB 7200RPM Hard Drive
Hercules 3D Prophet GeForce 256 32MB DDR TV-Out
Aureal Vortex II Super-Quad Sound Card
Klipsch 4.1 ProMedia v.2-400 THX
400 -Watt Subwoofer/Speaker System
Pioneer 10X/40X DVD Player
HP 9100i CDR-W 8x/4x/32x CD Writer
Black ATX Mid-Tower Case w/300 Watt PS
Black 107-Enhanced Keyboard PS/2
Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer
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 DEVELOPER’S TRACK RECORD
HISTOGRAM ;
av
-q
WHO ARE THEY?
Innerloop Studios’ previous work was
on flight sims or something. Since we
don’t pay attention to games that make
us sleepy, we’ll consider I.G.I. to be
their first effort, and from what we’ve
seen so far, these Norweigans really
know their shit.

I Project I.G.I.
Where “keepin’ it real” doesn’t make you sound ignorant

irst, know this: Pro- Now take a big, bittersweet bite

ject I.O. I. (when its of Project I.G.I. from Eidos. What’s
day comes) will either this?have to move at actual
I

enrapture or enrage. human speed? That far-off objec-

There won’t be any gray area. You tive is gonna take me four minutes
see, gamers get really touchy to reach? I can’t take a three-story

about their favorite genres. They fall and dash to cover? What’s this

are loyal, moody, defensive, zeal- shrapnel shit? What do you mean,
ous. So this game is treading well gravity affects my slug-trajectory?
into hardcore gamer heresy, and Who the hell do you think you are?
though it may earn the ire of Welcome to the real world pal!

legions of mouse-looking dorks And don’t roll your eyes at me,

worldwide, one thing must be Bot-boy. I know there are still a
acknowledged for the healing to million ways Eidos could screw
begin: Most first-person shooters this game up. But for the moment,
are ridiculous ... as the song says, “I’m a believer.”
Yup, ridiculous. Abso-freakin’- Project I.G.I. puts you in the
lutely weak. Uh-huh, I’m talking to boots of a present-day worldwide
you Romero-fellating propeller- antiterrorist operative, usually

heads out there. Just try running at deep in enemy territory and clean, solid zoom on a distant tar- the enemies around you will speak If

FPS speed all the time, loaded always human — no rocket-jumps, get — a target that, at mere mortal in the varying local language, an
Project

with gear, performing jumps, mak- no telefrags, no swimming in the foot-speed, would take several obvious but nice touch.
ing long-ass spang-on shots, all heavy water, and no singing in the minutes to reach in a straight line. As for the clean, organic look of
I.G.I.

while taking falls and hits. Please acid rain. That is, if someone yammering in a the local terrain, you can thank the
try — and add some Tidy-Bowl to The first thing about I.G.I. that foreign language isn’t trying to fighter-combat game joint Strike
were

the gene pool. threw me back was the slow, stop you. From mission to mission, Fighter. Project I.G.I. uses P- 52

INFO BOX “All right, open up and

spoofed

eat lead, big boy!” as

DEVELOPER •••> Eidos
PUBLISHER ‘y
a
Innerloop Studios
RELEASE DATE Summer 2000
API SUPPORT ••:> Glide, Direct3D porno

INTEREST GAUGE film,

the

title

THE HYPE
Can it really be? After seeming eons of wouldn’t

fun but ludicrous FPS games, will we

finally have a realistic one? Is “The
have
Truth” really out there?

to
THE HURDLE
change
“You want the truth? You can’t HANDLE
the truth!” The big question surrounding
this game: Is “real” any fun? at

all

...

© THE HIT
Gorgeous engine, called-in support
drops/air strikes, shrapnel damage, arc-
of-descent ballistics and dead bodies for
shields. Eh? Eh?
 PROJECT I.G.I. GALLERY

it
i 1

i
:

over

all hmdi' SUIKi IfflflMIfflf - MBSi

1
li
:
1

gBffigp ;%S0S

written

porno

has

In”

Going

“I’m

on

Come
Still wondering about that name. Project I.G.I.l Apparently,
it’s essentially an old WWII-era battle-cry, the equivalent of
“Bonzai!” — it stands for “I’m Going In.” What, you thought
we weren’t going to tell you? We just wanted to make sure
you got past the obligatory babe-shots in this issue, that’s

all. Good work, soldier ... now drop and gimme 20.

Rejected

Binoculaurs can be used to track down

targets and scout for nude Germans. names

for

the

D-Day

Invasion:

Project

Loosely translated this sign says something like,

Nazi

“Come here and die American bitches.”

Beatdown,

Project

Save

the

Sissy

Frogs
 5 QUESTIONS
FIVE QUESTIONS WERE ASKED, BUT

ONLY FOUR WERE ANSWERED BY ERIC

ADAMS PRODUCER AT EIDOS INTER-
ACTIVE. FIND OUT WHY...

Q: What’s your pet peeve about FPS

games, and (how) was it addressed In

Project I.G.I.l

A: The Al opponents are usually

unaware of surrounding events, with

unrealistic reactions. Either that, or

they're just drunk. In I.G.I., we plan to

have multiple Al awareness levels. Elite

guards will recognize when they are

being shot at, seek cover, return fire, or

move to a better fire position. Recruits

may just stand stupidly around, while

you fire your kill shot at their head.

Also, our Al will use field of vision and
sound to a great degree. Thus, if you
bump a box, a soldier nearby will hear

and investigate.

Q: What should happen to Chris Carter

for that awful “FPS” “X-Files” episode?

Circle-strafing is an essential Quake move, but in real life (and Project I.G.I.), it just isn't an option.
A Chris should be digitalized into a

“Sim” and offered for download. Then

users could download him and place
^P-49 the “son” of the same slugs would go through your cor- (a) should repulse all right-think-
him into a house with no walls, no toi-
engine. The game will also feature rugated-metal barrier). You’ll even ing people and (b) should have
let, and placed near a nuclear waste
nasty volumetric fog, arc-of- have the ability to grab a (presum- been implemented long ago.
dump. Oh yeah, almost forgot, I would
descent physics on bullets at long ably) unwilling party by the neck One of the coolest aspects of
make him a Virgo.
range (because gravity is not your and use him/her/it as a meat- Project I.G.I. is the ability to call on
friend), and realistic material-den- shield against incoming fire, an the gods when all else fails. Well,
Q: Stare at a blot and tell me the first
sity physics (of course those HV idea so shocking and nasty that it maybe not the gods ... but at least thing that pops into your mind when I

the USAF or the RAF will do in a

up
» OTHER “PROJECTS” pinch. You can call in air support
say Daikatana.
A: [No Comment was received on this
her Everything about Project sounds great, but we couldn’t help but think about what
I.G.I.
via your extremely useful, globally- question — Ed.]
other games might have happened if the word “Project” were built into the title
shut
positioned PDA, using supply-

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT drops (if you’re feeling mellow) or CL What's a critical, obvious area or
|
j

will
full-on air strikes (if you’re in the era the first-person shooter has yet to
WHAT IT IS — You run around a forest in first-person
it explore?
mode, avoiding the witch, then push your friends out mood to harsh some other poor
least
of the tent to stand guard, i.e. get eaten first. The final
bastard’s mellow). It’s not an A I think cooperative multiplayer cam-
goal is to piss in the corner of a basement in an aban-
paigns are intriguing. Basically present
at doned house without getting killed entirely new idea (the first-person
SAMPLE GAMEPLAY—* Wait a minute. Gathering of the single-player campaign with the
— shooter Nam, one of the most
Developers is actually making a Blair Witch game option to have two to five friends join
harshly-reviewed games in this
you. However, this would mean a lot of
O’Donnell
mag, employed the call-in Air
extra network and Al coding, not to
ALAN PARSON PROJECT I

Strike concept, just to name one),

mention balancing. I believe users are
WHAT IT IS —* Hippies sit around, get high, write folk but by god, in Project I.G.I., it
interested in man versus machine
music, and burn incense
Rosie seems right.
SAMPLE GAMEPLAY— You have a guitar and a bong. match-ups.
The more bong hits you take, the easier it becomes to Project I.G.I .’ s current progres-
play the guitar — but you’ll need food to compensate. sion could help first-person shoot- Q: What’s your best/worst E3 story
suggest
Get extra points by scoring “hydro,” avoiding pigs,
and getting out of Betty Ford by age 40 ers shake their deserved reputa- (you can relate dirty stuff, at least in
tion of lame nonrealism — if the this magazine)?
we
designers don’t chicken out. But A At last year's E3 I walked the floor

they’ve got a long road ahead. with our booth bartender (Linda 0’
shield,
WHAT IT IS —v Ultima Ass-cension
She was wearing a
Nobody runs as fast backward as Neal), a major babe.
SAMPLE GAMEPLAY—*/ You see some really cool shit
moving at approximately one frame per second, then they do forward, and “circle-straf- see-through fishnet blouse. As we
human your computer crashes. This continues until you patch ing” is largely a tactical wet walked the floor I told all my drooling
the game. Then you realize that the “really cool shit”
dream. Still, Project I.G.I. is a colleagues that she was my sister. (Boy
a isn’t actually that cool

promising and well-paced title that were they nice to me!) As neared the
I

Fox booth, all the Planet of the Apes

could do the FPS genre proud.
choosing

actors (gorillas) stopped their act and

PROJECTS surrounded us with lust in their simian
- CHRIS HU DAK wants all you
WHAT IT IS -j> The ’Hood eyes. I felt like Hunter protecting Nova!
When
SAMPLE GAMEPLAY—* Drink a 40, wear sunglasses, out-of-shape FPS dweebs out
After the walk, she asked me back to
hang with the homies, smoke some crack, play rap there to try running for four min-
music really loudly on a cheap jam box, and dodge a her hotel for drinks. Sadly, I declined,
drive-by. It’s kinda like giving Salmon a ride home utes at full-bolt speed, carrying
because was having a
I P.R. dinner with
from work multiple weapons, ammo, and
Mike Salmon. In the end, I think I made
armor. Just try!
the right choice!
 TACHYQN H R N G
Framed by a corrupt mega-corporation and banished to the fringe of
COLONIZED SPACE, YOU'VE GOT TO REBUILD YOUR SHIP AND YOUR LIFE BY THE
ONLY MEANS YOU KNOW HOW - AS A CUN FOR HIRE.
T
• CHOOSE WHERE YOU WANT TD AND WHAT MISSIONS YOU WILL FLY

• FIGHT IN FURIOUS SPACE COMBAT BATTLES AROUND MASSIVE SHIPS AND STATIONS

• CUSTOMIZE OVER 10 DISTINCT SHIPS WITH DOZENS OF UNIQUE WEAPONS & SYSTEMS
• EXPLORE A VAST AND RICHLY INHABITED UNIVERSE

FREE* MASSIVE MULTIPLAYER VIA NovaWorld with d

OVER 20 PILOTS SIMULTANEOUSLY - FEATURING

1

BASE-TO-BASE COMBAT WITH ADVANCED TEAM TACTICS ' WU, '

g
'
l

Full in-game cinematic engine with the voice of

Bruce Campbell
(EVIL DEAD, XENA AS YOUR CHARACTER JAKE LOGAN
)

Suwioried bui not renuired:

ACTUAL SCREENSHOTS DirCCt 30," 3tlf\™

& Force Feedback

IN STORES SPRING 2000 |§|

NovaWorld.
Download the Demo Today at www.novalogic.com v J
© 2000 NovaLogic, Inc. NovaLogic and the NovaLogic Logo are registered trademarks and Tachyon, The Fringe, Jake Logan, NovaWorld and the NovaWorld logo are trademarks of NovaLogic. Inc. All other trademarks are property
of their respective owners. * With purchase of product. Internet service required. Player responsible for all applicable internet fees. NovaLogic reserves the right to change the terms of service at any time. www.novaworld.com

Go to http://pcxl.ign.com/gaming411: Product Number 37

 DEVELOPER'S TRACK RECORD
HISTOGRAM «vr..s.0M
in
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Hexen Heretic II

_ Star j=opci
Yeah, it’s another Star Trek game. They promise it won’t suck ...

or all the critics who ting droopy yet? To make it simple

think Quake ///is noth- for the Trek-impaired, you play a
Elite Force has a railgun too, they just
ing more than a tech- Red Shirt (one of the disposable

nology demo, lambast- guys) who’ll probably get killed off

call it some geeky Trek-like name.

ing its dedication to the dying art before the first commercial break
of deathmatch, and hoping that unless you’re able to phaser deep-
somebody — anybody — might fry a Borg noggin or two. And trust
beat a decent game out of this old us, you’ll be seeing a lot of black
workhorse, you’re about to get latex techno-zombies running
your wish. Star Trek Voyager: Elite around and threatening assimila-
Force — the first game to take tion, since they’re one of the main
advantage of the Quake 111 engine, bad dudes making life tough for

and the first game based on the you in the Delta Quadrant. Elite
“StarTrek Voyager” TV series — will Force has a total of eight missions,
be warping in this summer. each containing 2-5 levels.

As Ensign Alexander (or Alexan- While a major part of the game

20
dria) Munroe, you’re second in is devoted to infiltrating Borg
command of Voyager’s elite secu- cubes, a total of 14 aliens (includ-
grand

rity force, Hazard Team, led by ing Klingons) show up to either

Security Chief (and Grandmaster wreak havoc or play nice with the which automatically cycles fre- tive actors. If anyone had any will

of Vulcan Funk) Tuvok. Eyes get- crew. Since the Borg have this quencies before they get a chance doubt about whether the Qlll buy

nasty habit of adapting to Federa- to adapt. There are a total of nine engine was up to presenting realis-

tion weapons, rendering them use- weapons, including the expected tic detail, put those fears to rest you

H““!nfo"box less, the formerly borgalicious phasers, the aforementioned I- now. Character models look a
Seven Of Nine has created the Mod, plus some new alien-issued exactly like their real life actor
half-day

DEVELOPER --> Raven Software Infinity Modulator, a weapon peacemakers unique to the game, counterparts. T uvok’s face is so
PUBLISHER •••> Activision
RELEASE DATE 2000
July such as the Scavenger Gun and distinct that I’d almost wondered if

API SUPPORT ••+ OpenGl

Stasis Weapon. Raven had just scanned his picture’
photo

And for The Doctor fans out directly into the game. Think the
INTEREST GAUGE
there (both of you), you’ll be glad Qlll engine has only two color set- shoot

to know that the entire Voyager tings (green and brown)? You’ll be
INTERESTED EXCITED AROUSED crew will be seen at some point in stunned by the spot-on ship with

the game, voiced by their respec- graphics recreating its

THE HYPE Jeri

Ryan

for

2oG’s

she

better

do

more

© THE HIT than

Raven’s distinguished history is more than

a match for the Star Trek curse — and
pose
from what we've seen of Soldier Of For-
tune they are just getting better. Elite Apparently our hero set the phaser to “hideously ugly” just before
Force’s babe appeal won’t hurt either.
this tragic screenshot was taken.
 ELITE FORCE GALLERY
Here we present visual proof that
the Quake III engine can do col-
ors. The detail and variety in

backgrounds is astonishing.

‘Assimilate this bitch!'

Another brave Red Shirt runs

happily to his imminent doom

it

missed

we

bad

too

movie

TV

1996
In Elite Force
you are accom-
a
panied by a team
Callgirl,
of faceless Red
Shirts, and in

keeping with the

Co-ed

Star Trek uni-

in verse, not many
of them survive.
Spelling

Tori

with

co-starred

Ryan

Jeri
 “

5 QUESTIONS
BRIAN PELLETIER, WISCONSIN-BASED
RAVEN’S ELITE FORCE PRO)ECT LEAD,
WAS STUNNED INTO SUBMISSION
LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO ASSIMILATE
THESE FIVE ASININE QUESTIONS

Q: What restrictions are there work-

ing on a Star Trek license game? Does
Paramount have to approve every sin-
gle thing in the game?
A We haven’t been given too many
restrictions and ... YES, every single
aspect of the game needs to get

approved (every creature/alien, envi-

ronment, weapon, likeness of all char-

acters, story, and level outlines). The
person we work with at Paramount is a
gamer and he understands that the

game needs to be fun, so he is pretty

flexible with our crazy ideas and helps “Now is the time in Sprockets where we dance ... Dance, you silly
us work them out so they will fit. ^ P- 55 bright, antiseptic atmo-
Borgs, Dance!”
sphere or the dark, eerieness of a

Q: Okay, the question that’s on every Borg cube. And as action also can create your own deathmatch or take down the Borg, giving

Voyager fan’s mind: Janeway’s in- takes place on a Klingon Bird of scenarios. (Ours will be titled "Run, them time to beam out. Not only

game hairstyle — the bun, the flip, or Prey, a space station, and even Neelix, Run!") are these sequences just plain

the wave? inside the Holodeck for multi- Possibly the most exciting cool, they add much-needed
A- The story line falls into the same player mayhem, your retinas behind-the-scenes aspect of Elite replayability.

timeline of the TV show this season. So won’t get bored. Force is Raven’s new ICARUS If what we’ve seen so far is any
we are restricted to using all current Ahh ... the Holodeck. Long the scripting system. While the sign of things to come, we are
information and looks, including refuge of creatively bankrupt Star scripted sequences in Unreal and beside ourselves with an inordi-
hairstyles. So what you see currently on Trek scribes, it allows the crew to Half-Life oohed and ahhed in their nate amount of geeky excitement
the show is what you get in the game, experience a computer-generated day, they were mostly unchange- (even for us). The vast majority of
which is too bad, because the pigtail
make-believe world. Used for mul- able set pieces - the player could- Star Trek games since Judgement
hairdo we originally modeled her with
tiplayer deathmatch, team death- n’t interact in the action. ICARUS is Rites have, to put it bluntly,
looked good. Oh well ...
match, and CTF, the Holodeck is a more flexible, allowing you to make sucked. By this time next year,
way of side-stepping Paramount’s choices that affect other crewmem- that sentence just might change
Q: Madison, Wisconsin, isn’t exactly
ongoing policy of not soiling the bers. For example, one sequence to “since Elite Force .

the center of the gaming universe. Why

good Star Trek name by having has you come upon two team-
should it be?
crew members blasting at each mates, one badly injured and the - CHUCK OSBORN actually
A: Because we have a lot of beer and
other ... at least not in the “real” other about to get assimilated by a admits to watching (and occa-
cheese. It’s also a beautiful city full of

culture and ethnic diversity. Money world. Raven is even including Borg drone. You can either let them sionally enjoying) “Star Trek:

magazine has, on more than one occa- Q3Radiant, a map editor, so you fend for themselves (certain death) Voyager"
voted Madison as the best
sion,

live in. Oh, and did I mention we have

city to
» THE DUMMY’S GUIDE TO REVIEWING STAR TREK GAMES
beer and cheese? Want to write about Star Trek, but think Spock was a pediatrician and can’t tell Captain Kirk from Kirk Cameron? Here’s a few creative
crutches that the “professionals” use. Learn a few lingo tidbits and turn them into a corna-crap-ula of funny business. First off, you

must use puns, and lots of them. (See use of “warping” in first paragraph of this preview.) It has been scientifically proven that Star
Q: Technobabble alert! At any point in Trek fans must read a minimum of two to three puns per article or their brains will implode. Which brings us to the next four crucial
the game do you encounter a temporal ingredients to any story that involves anything Trek. Take it from some people who have written much more than their share ...

anomaly, a tachyon pulse, or jetti-

fire

son the warp core?

ALL STAR TREK FANS ARE GSSK5 STAR WARS IS ALWAYS BETTER
A: Let’s see, we have Photon torpe- Making fun of Trek fans is Remember, Yoda s Desk
not only expected, but top Adventures was a
does, Dilithium matrix crystals, Tetrion
encouraged. They are differ- technical masterpiece
Pulse Disruptors, an isodimensional rift, ent than you and should be compared to Star Trek
and yes, even a warpcore breach. We’ve mocked. Another true fact: Academy. Why? Because
Anyone who has ever it had Yoda, of course!

got enough technobabble in the game watched a full episode is a

to make even the most diehard 35-year otd virgin living

Trekker’s head spin. alone in his parents’ garage

Q: What has been the most difficult

part about making Elite Force ?
ALL STAR TR€K GAMES SUCK SEVEN OF NINE IS HOT
A The hardest part has been accepting
This includes any you’ve If you remember nothing
the fact that I actually like the character
never played, let alone else, throw in a quick
Neelix from the “Star Trek Voyager” heard about. Even this
if Seven reference, modified
series. Aside from that, we have the rule is broken, it is instantly by “sexy,” “sultry,” “skin-
reinstated once the next tight,” “borgalicious," or
pressure of making one of the best Trek
sucky Trek game is released “mannish.” It works for us
games ever, making sure Paramount - which always happens ... why not you?
likes what we’re doing, getting the
game finished on time, and making sure
we don’t go insane doing it.
 * ,, |
M
1
'
K . .
'

.
i
I

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 _ Dark Reign 5
Much more than a sequel

ark Reign didn’t exactly into those dee-lux shiny domes in ground, increasing their combat your industrial structures, plus the
have an easy time bid- the sky-high. In response, the JDA potential as their missiles rain menus can be scrolled up and
ding for attention on declares war on the Sprawlers, down on exposed enemy units. down to hold dozens of units and
store shelves. At the yielding 20 missions, playable from This enhances gameplay and uti- buildings in the smallest amount
time of its release in the fall of both JDA and Sprawler perspective. lizes the 3D world for more than of space. Click on its representa-

1997, its 2D graphics were soooo Forget everything you have or just prettified graphics. tive icon and you’ll have access to
1996 when compared to Cavedog’s haven’t heard about the original, The impressive 3D game engine that unit or structure no matter
bigger, badder 3D beast Total DRII is almost a completely differ- could even be called “mind-bog- where your camera is located at
Annihilation. But the remarkable ent game. The entire engine has gling” (if you were a whore to the the moment. These aren’t “earth-
Al and superior depth garnered been trashed and in its place is a games industry and the hype asso- shattering” or even “mind-bog-
support from the few who actually brand-spanking new 3D engine ciated with it). But wait, there’s gling” developments, but still,

played the game. In early 1998, a with hardware acceleration, fog more hyperbole! Those code-mon- they’re smart additions that give
decision was made to not only fol- effects, and enough bells and keys over at Pandemic Studios Dark Reign II a chance of standing

low Dark Reign up with a sequel, whistles to choke the most jaded have completely redesigned the out from the crowd.
make 3D as graphic snob. The advantage of game-window more
but to
Thus, Dark Reign
it fully

II was
well.

born. thisnew 3D world is, without a user-friendly,

interface to be

and to better allow

» OTHER DARK REIGNS
Set in the far future, Earth has doubt, the new camera angles. multi-tasking from anywhere on
become a wasteland, ripped apart Hell, you can go from a traditional the map.
JAMES BROWN

^ M
convictions

POSITION OF
by failed terra-forming attempts “satellite view” camera to a The interface works like this: '

POWER •••* God-

and controlled by the repressive ground-level “troop cam” with one The bottom menu has a list of your father of Funk WfL
keystroke. Not to mention DRII assigned groups (CTRL and RULED -Mil ,
Jovian Detention Authority (JDA). 1-9) all
things funk-like
battery
Meanwhile, outside the domed binds camera movement to the TERRORIZED ••••:•

cities of Earth’s most successful mouse-wheel, right mouse button, “His wife ... hah I
\
>'
and
good gawd ...
...

inhabitants, huge masses of toxic and “F” keys to keep things simple smacked her
/

Sprawlers unite in hopes of leaving so you can focus on strategy upside the head”

the slime pits and movin’ on up instead of being a director.

RONALD REAGAN j
robbery,

You can also use the new 3D ter- I

INFO BOX rain to hide or help fortify

troop’s position. Just pan

your
down to
POSITION OF
POWER •••* The
firearms,
leader of the free
the ground level camera to see world
DEVELOPER -4 Activision
PUBLISHER -4 Pandemic Studios RULED •••* Us
how each unit fits behind a build- TERRORIZED •••*
RELEASE DATE -4 June 2000
various
API SUPPORT *4 Dlrect3D ing, mountain, or pile of rubble. Dark Reign II has its share of Liberals, poor
people, common
Your troops can now get to higher pretty trees. sense, air waves,
on INT6R6ST GAUGE and monkeys

prison

I
ADOLF HITLER
in POSITION OF

years
THE HYPE POWER -* Mein
Fiihrer

Activision’s Dark Reign was an under- RULED

rated RTS that developed a small but Goose-stepping
seven blondes
loyal fanbase. DRII will hopefully jump-
TERRORIZED •*
start this sleeping franchise.
Anyone who was-
nearly n’t a goose-step-
THE HURDLE ping blonde

spent Dark Reign’s fans (both of ’em) — who

have been loyal since day one — may I
FRESH PRINC6 OF BEL AIR
be turned off by a sequel that doesn’t POSITION OF
has
even resemble the original. POWER
“Fresh” Prince
RULED A big
©
••••:•
Brown
THE HIT house in Bel-Air

TERRORIZED
The 3D RTS was original two years ago Anyone who
James
when Pandemic Studios went to work on watched this
Dark Reign II, but the sub-genre is now crapastrophic TV
overpopulated with me-too clones. show
 I don’t care how cold it is ...

5 QUESTIONS Move out!

GREG BORRUD DESIGNS GAMES FOR
To the right of the on-screen
PANDEMIC STUDIOS. SURE, HE
action are several pop-up menus;
COULD’VE BEEN A PRO BODYBUILDER
Troop Behaviors, Troop Orders,
(BUT WE’D STILL REFUSE TO PUT HIS
Game Menu, Waypoint Menu, For-
PICTURE ON THE COVER OF PCXL.)
mations, and your standard RTS
map. Troop Orders are crucial and
Q: What was the biggest challenge In
needed to succeed in DRII, these
turning a 2D top-down into a 3D multi-
consist of your typical Defend,
camera game?
Attack while Moving, Explore, and
A: guess the toughest thing was
I walk- Jabba "The Levitating Pimp" and
ing that fine line between taking advan-
Stop. Exploring units will head off

tage of everything 3D has to offer and in an automated quest to reveal player or multiplayer, where play- snow, and a complex level editor

keeping gameplay accessible to tradi- every inch of the map. This is per- ers will unite behind a single base that will ship with the game. Con-
tional RTS gamers. fect in multiplayer when you’re and control the same units to fight sidering the commercial failure of
too busy trash-talking to manually the enemy.” the first Dark Reign, it’s surprising

& Are you referring to complete mup- control your scouts. Pandemic is currently squeez- that Activision is even making a
pets incapable of manipulating a 3D Speaking of multiplayer, DRII ing the last drops of cream filling sequel, but it looks like well be
camera? will have a variety of game types, into this bad boy. They’re adding glad they did.
A [Laughs hysterically, because we’re including Capture the Flag, Blood fresh new music and sound
funny dammit!) Most strategy gamers Bath, Control Freak, and King of effects, unlimited production que - NASH WERNER thinks Bruce is
don’t want to hassle with the rotating the Hill. The most interesting of and unit grouping, dynamic member of “The Kids
the funniest
and zooming of a camera; they just these types is Control Freak, a weather effects like rain and in the Halt”
want to see as much of the battlefield
game where players will earn
as possible to allow them to truly use
points for holding specific points
their strategies effectively. The benefit Just

on the map (think Tribes). The

of a 3D camera is that it can be adjusted
team is also pumping up the num-
to suit everyone's specific needs. imagine

ber of players. “Right now we are

able to get 16 players playing at
Q: What enhancements have been
how
one time,” claims DRII Director
made to DRITs Al?
Greg Borrud. “We’ve also
A One of biggest enhancements has
enhanced team play to include a
been in the squad-level Al, the way our different

units communicate with each other and cooperative mode for single-

work together intelligently, rather than the

just running around like a bunch of one-

man armies. And, there are a host of world

configurable Al settings at each player’s

disposal. would

Q: So you’re saying DRII is more than be

if
just another pretty 3D engine with
stupid units? Hitler

A I’d say Al is more important in a

had
strategy game than in any other genre.
If we made a game that looked beautiful A secret |DA base ... a
but had stupid units then we would be moronicalty painted
goatee
slaughtered. So we set out in the begin-
bright yellow.
ning to create a more powerful Al than

we had in the original Dark Reign. instead

Q; How important is DRITs multiplayer of

this time around?
a
A Very important. We rewrote all of our
networking code to allow many more moustache

players into a game at once. We know

that a lot of people play RTS games just
for the multiplayer and we wanted to
make sure we offered a better experi-

ence than they had ever had before.

Bell bottoms make a comeback in the post-apocalyptic future.
 The new game from the creator of SimCity.

r It's the ultimate test of your people skills as you create an entire
f
i\ neighborhood of simulated residents and run — or ruin — their lives. Design
hundreds of Sims with their own unique personalities, selecting everything

from the look of their faces to the clothes on their backs. Then build them

anything from an estate to an eyesore. Let them live life in the fast lane or

Comic Mischief
'[--T-SX Environmental
Mild Animated Violence w a. Audio"
by creative*
Mature Sexual Themes
A Division of Electronic Arts'" Inc.
pursue a life of crime. Watch them party like swinging singles

or make them get married and raise a family. Help your Sims

find success — or watch them self-destruct. Whether they

end up prosperous or pathetic is up to you. Once you're

introduced to The Sims your world will never be the same.

Meet The Sims at www.TheSims.com

©2000 Electronic Arts Inc. The Sims, SimCity, Maxis, and the Maxis logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of Electronic Arts in the U.S. and/or other
countries. All rights reserved. Environmental Audio is a trademark and the Environmental Audio logo is a registered trademark of Creative Technologies Ltd.
 PReuieu
DEVELOPER’S TRACK RECORD

J IA
rro
HISTOGRAM avg. score
| 7-
3 H 1

1 0
°
1
e
O
A
•*

_p
C-

1
Motorcross
Madness

Motorcross Madness E.
Tire tracks across your ass and a smile on your face

nee again PCXL beats your timing off and put your sorry
Is this a motocross

0
announcement: Games Now Look
the increasingly lame
“competition” to the
punch with this
game
It’s
or flight sim?
your call.
ass

the
ter,
in last

first
place.

But what about the events from

game? Think
steeper, and more
bigger, bet-

technical.

Like Real Life. Actually, it’s not Supercross and Nationals events
that big of a deal since it’s Rain- require tight skills, the Stunt
bow Studios that did all the hard Quarry requires a strong back-
work, but we’ll take what we can bone, and the Baja has a whole
get. And what we’ve got is their new flavor, due to a plethora of

new game, Motocross Madness 2, vegetation scattered about the

which rivals ESPN for realistic landscape. The enormous amount
dust, sweat, and bloody mayhem. of trees and plants that can be

Now, everyone talks about how placed on the tracks add consider-
graphics don’t make a great game. able challenge to MM2, without
Still, if you see a game running on making the game choke.
a demo machine no better than A comment should be made
what you have at home and it age that designers have filled with Rather than simulating race- about the steps Rainbow Studios
mode

looks like reality, it’s going to 64 tasty races. tracks, Enduro puts you out in a has taken to let this game run on a
catch your eye. Well, Motocross You know that this is a motorcy- living and breathing rural setting wide variety of platforms. While
safe

Madness 2 does more than that ... cle game, right? Yup, it’s a third- and then runs you through the buffer systems will give you the
person racing and stunt game meat grinder. Gates are set up
into

go
I don’t think I’ve ever said “holy
crap" so many times in my life. The where you get to do stuff you throughout areas filled with cars,
» MM 2 : THE RPG
you killer art and awesome tech com- would never have the sack to do in trains, airplanes, slick frozen Sports gamesall well and good, but to
are
gamers
really get the respect of cerebral
bine to make one kick-ass pack- real life. There are five event rivers, and buildings. Want to hit
you should be working on a hoity-toity
when types, plus their version of single- that gate down in the mine pit? RPG. Rainbow Studios dropped the ball

player called the Pro Circuit, which Well, you’d better time it right or
when they went with a sports game ... so
him
INFO BOX ties them all together. Four events some construction guy is going to
here is a look at
from the could-have-been
some of the magical items
MM2 RPG
return from the original (Baja, be wiping your brains off his earth
thank
DEVELOPER Microsoft
Nationals, Stunt Quarry, and scraper. How about a run through
PUBLISHER -v Rainbow Studios
so RELEASE DATE -y April 2000 Supercross) and are joined by the the winter mountains? Moving
API SUPPORT -4 D3D
new kid on the block: The Enduro. chair lifts and buses can throw
driver,

INTEREST GAUGE
VGA

generic

THE HYPE HELM OF HONDA

Provides +20 protection against levitating
The original game was really quite awe-
bikes. This is, of course, reduced if the
Windows
some, so it stands to reason that the player somehow wanders into the Realm
sequel will be just as big ... right? Our fin- of The Nationals
gers are crossed.
the RING OF TESTICLE LIQUIFICATION
The victim
/ft THE HURDLE slammed down
is raised into the air and then
directly onto his crotch 20
wrote

times a minute until either his hit points or

With four of the events still remaining
sponsors are depleted
from the original game, will the addition
also
of only two new ones — Enduro and Pro
KNEES-TO-DUST DUST
Circuit — be enough? Sprinkle this on the track to cause crip-
Abrash pling injuries to your opponents. Can be

0 THE HIT countered by the hard-to-find Shocks of

Might and Magic
Mike
The game will exhibit the same excellent
feel of the first title but with a huge
RING OF OPPONENT DESTRUCTION
Slip this baby on and anyone you pass hits
improvement in graphics and design ...
Motorcross Madness 2 will feature several bikes from which to the wall. As a crossover, extremely useful
confidence is high.
choose, including Honda, Suzuki, and Yamaha. in the Tour de France
 s

THE MM2 TEAM HAS BEEN IN CRUNCH

MODE FOR MONTHS, SO WE’RE SUR-
PRISED PRODUCER ROBB RINARD WAS
STILL ABLE TO TALK AND ANSWER
THESE FIVE (WELL, SIX) QUESTIONS.

Q: So It was no big deal to just slap

the new Enduro event In, right? lust

plug and chug some hills here, some

cars there?
A: The Enduro is the biggest time con-

suming element for the art guys

because of the sheer quantity of stuff.

In the Enduros, there are about 350

models that get dispersed throughout

the worlds. But every model has to be

done at a minimum of three tevels of

detail ... and a lot of it is times four.

If this guy is lucky, doctors will be able to sew his balls back on.

Q: Since you guys have been digging salacious real life graphics, there cause the wheels and suspension ios apply to Motocross Madness
Into the PS 2 for your next games, has are enough options for turning off of your bike to flex, and your rider 2. All the ball-crushing physics
anything notable popped up? graphic options that MM2 will run moves his body all around to and dirt-in-your-teeth excitement
A The PS2 has to run at 60 frames per lickety-split, even on a Pll 233. maintain his center of gravity of the first game has been pimped
second, so the name of the game from a
Don’t have a video card? Well, through turns. out 2000-style and with the addi-
development standpoint is what can
after we’re done taunting your There is always doubt whenever tion of the Enduro event, which
you do onscreen in 16 milliseconds,
granny PC, you’ll still be able to someone attempts a sequel to a could have been it’s own game,
over and over again? You spend
play, because Motocross Madness popular game. You wonder if it we’ll all be buying cups for our
100,000 lines of code, several million
2 will have a software mode. Ever will be just more of the same, or, googlies this April.
dollars, and two years of a bunch of
heard of Mike Abrash? Well, ever even more criminal, a totally dif-
guy’s lives for a 16-mlllisecond times-
heard of Quake ? Abrash was one ferent game that changes what - BRUCE LADEWIG sticks to
lice. It’s pretty amazing.
of the programmers that helped was fun about the original. Thank- exer-cycles and leaves the big
Q: Third-person camera issues always
bring true 3D to the FPS masses, fully, neither of these two scenar- bikes to real men
seem to be a big problem. How did you and he’s responsible for MM2 '

handle that? software Tenderer. Even Evel Knievel never

A We fly the camera through whatever. MM2 features tons of bikes and had a stunt like this

We found that if you’re driving along riders from which to choose. KTM, up his sleeve.
and here comes a barn, and the camera Honda, Suzuki, and Yamaha are Rainbow

slews out to not go through the barn, it all signed on to be included, but
destroys your mental perception of the Kawasaki is still playing hard to
vector you’re on and causes you to get. Rainbow Studios is still send- Studios’

wreck and do erratic turns. ing them gameplay videos so they

know just exactly what they’re
Q: Is there anything you can do to pre-
missing out on ... that’s pretty building

serve the player’s framerate when they

cool, huh?
get into off-race areas where they’re
They’re spending extra time on
not supposed to be? does
game physics, so hitting bumps
A Not practically, no. We can’t analyze
not
where your bottleneck is on your PC
with your config. All we can do is put in
have

sliders, and it’s a matter of tradeoff

a
between your desire for Image quality
and your desire to have good framerate.
A pensive moment. single

Q: Uh, Robb, this is an interview ya

window

know. I realize you’re having fun play-

ing, but come on man, I’m trying to get

some answers here! —

A Anyway, the 250 has about 30% that

more horsepower, but the 125 can’t

will

accelerate at the same rate as the 250,

so at anytime ... ok I’ll do this section cause

right this time. Step UP onto there ...

nope, we're gonna go back and do this

till we get it right ... yeah, so if your 125 madness

can carry enough speed ... right? Jump

one, two, and the three and you’re out

of these bumps...

Q: Huh? “See, dude, if you do this right, you can get a nice view of the
planetarium, the next gate, and your grave on the other side.’
 publisher Microsoft developer Microso

This month we have a very special Drunken Edi

tor’s version ofMoney Shots. We sent Mike
Salmon toGamestock (Microsofts big event) in
search of free love, free beer, and games. He
came back from Seattle with these pictures, a
serious hangover, and no other memories.

PUBLISHER Microsoft DEVELOPER ??

The Flying Dildo model kit was last In the year 2058, 0 )’s hunt for
Christmas’ least successful toy. “the real killers” continues.

chickens

your

with

“liberties”

took

and

home

your

“Hi, I’m here to audition for the part of the Pierced Nipple
Serpent Demon. What do you mean I’m not the right type?'
destroyed

Enemies

Seige:

Dungeon

for

plotline

Early
 Money
PUBLISHER MiCI

Ha, ha ... you missed m

,. aww, crap”

The battle Godzilla Versus Mecha-Chicken was less than epic.

and I’ll put the Elephant

Man’s bones over there ...”
<So sweet ... -0o Innocent ...so close to tlie legal nge of consent

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Jailbait. Your choice of 13 unique civilizations.
Whether you prefer barbarians who expertly
handle their massive spears, the fearsome
leather-clad Gimp infantry, or purple-headed

warriors, there is someone that suits your style

of action.

•
Experience stimulating action as you push
through tight spots that keep your blood
pumping until you reach the dramatic climax

Updated for 2000: Rufies, Backstreet Boys

tickets, and trips to Hawaii are now available!

In Age Of Consent II: Age of Kink —

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TWO BREASTS” the sequel to the award-winning Age of
- PC ACCELERATOR Consent 1: First Base — you navigate
through schoolyards, raves, and college
+“THE MOST EXCITING SEQUEL EVE
EVER GOTTEN MY HANDS ON” bars in search of tender virgin lands.
- HUGH HEFNER Smash the evil Taboos as you plow
untainted soil, and glimpse never before
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 ReUIGUS
SCREAM DATS DREAM DATES
Mr. Happy says: "Hey, I’m Ever buy a game, bring it home, and then The chances of you going out with a hot
find yourself revolted with the next morn- supermodel are about as likely as leftovers

not picky!" ing? Unfortunately, a lot of

it

women are like at a buffet with Rosie O’Donnell. But

we
you
that too. Luckily, we can help you avoid this can have a hot game. Here set you up
Chances are, some of situation with games. Who you go out with with some serious gaming hotties. So grab
is your own business (unless she’s hot, in your joystick and heat up the old hard drive
you don’t get out too
which case send us her phone number). — these babies will rock your world.
much. The unfortunate
WET ATTACK BOARDER ZONE
result of this condition
Publisher -? Interactive Strip Publisher-* Infogrames
often results in the gen- Developer -? CDV Software Developer Access Software
erally horrifying phe- Rating •••>
4 Rating ••••>
7
How bad is the lovin? This porn wannabe How good is the lovin? Hella good. This is
nomenon of blind dates.
shows plenty of skin but almost never the one great looking game, although the con-
Sometimes, when parts you want. It’s kinda like an old sag- bit wonky -- just like a
can be a
trols
he/she/it shows up, ging pornstar who won’t let you see the woman. Should make for an interesting
naughty bits. way to warm up a cold winter evening.
you discover that no one
bothered to mention INVICTUS: IN THE SHADOW OF DEMISE: RISE OF THE KU TAN
their actual gender, Gaming prostitutes we are not! OLYMPUS Publisher "* IPG Software
Publisher •••$ Interplay Entertainment
number of limbs, or Developer •••>• Artifact Entertainment
Developer -!* 14 Degrees East Rating •••*
species. Most of the time, buying a game is like going out on a blind 7
Rating •••?
5 How good is the lovin? It’s not as pretty as
date. You might get lucky and get a drop-dead knockout, but that hap- How bad is the lovin? Watching Greek it is fun, but worth checking out, kinda
still

pens about as often as a lesbian-free episode of “Xena.” More than heroes in voxelicious action doesn't raise like your friendly neighborhood prostitute -
our drawbridges. minus the disfiguring diseases.
likely you’ll end up with someone that even Bill Clinton would turn
down, or, worse, didn’t. Fortunately, PCXL is here to help you to avoid HIDDEN & DANGEROUS: X: BEYOND THE FRONTIER
the worst of the crap. This month we do our best to separate the queens DEVILS BRIDGE Publisher ~* Southpeak Interactive
Publisher ->• Talonsoft
from the drag queens and the beauties from the booties. Developer Egosoft
Developer -? Illusion Softworks Rating ••••>
7
Rating 4 How good is the lovin? Like Privateer 2
How bad is the lovin? Hard to get it to do without crappy acting. Add awesome
UHAT THE NUMBERS MEAN anything right, and when it does, it’s slow graphics and complete freedom, and you
and not really worth the trouble. could go steady with this one for a while.
Latitia Costa — The number one baby, perfecto.
She is part god, part goddess.
ACC£l£-RAT£D > >
This additional rating provides specific
Heather Graham — Baby you drive my car,
information on how a game performs
ACCELE-RATED
baby you can be a star.
on a variety of competing 3D chipsets. In this little box you’ll find out all you need
Going

We test games on up to four major 3D to know about the 3D-ness of the game.

Sandra Bullock — Hot, sweet, and I l

cards and report back with the true test
We’ll talk about different cards, problems,
II any 3D accelerator: How affects
and specifics to help you decide if the game out
quite possibly available. for it

is right for your system. Aren’t we nice?

the game. We base these ratings on with

Britney Spears — No longer but

graphic enhancements, framerates,

probably surgically enhanced.

jailbait,
VI and performance
card. And if the game
to give
is
you a
not accelerated
good idea of how a game will perform on your 3D
at all, we fill it with a joke or a bunch of tech-
Stevie

nobabble you probably won’t understand. Either way, you should read it.

Jennifer Lopez
but a
— Good from
little big in
the front,
the rear.
6 (Note: Performance may vary depending on the card and the setup of your system) Wonder

Sharon Stone
age, but still
— Starting to
puts on a good show.
show her
5 RATINGS > > doesn’t

Our rating scale is a simple 1 to 10 — no decimal points, no obscure percentages, just

a straight score that gets right to the point. Before we score games, they undergo
—
4
count

Lorena Bobbit She plays with Mr. Happy then lops —

countless hours of testing on different systems, with different 3D cards our
him off as a trophy. But, she is single. reviewers even play the games under the influence of various narcotics. In the end as

we stamp a single score on the game, which is essentially a numeric value of the a
Miss Piggy The wrong species, but she •I game’s worth. We love games and always try to look on the bright side, but when a blind

. I
may appeal to certain, uh, “special” people. pile of steaming crap comes in, we won’t hold back and allow our readers to waste
money on said crap. You can count on our reviews
their for honesty, insight, and date,

Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show” — A psychotic maybe even a few laughs.
but
circus clown who enjoys making you suffer.
it
GRAPHICS I Rendering quality, |+ PLUSES
Linda Tripp Not the wrong sex, but looks like FPS, and special effects all contribute + Here we list various good points
does

it. She records the date and sells the tape to "Hard Copy.” to an immersive gaming experience. about the game in question — in

some cases finding three good count

SOUND | visceral sound effects points is harder than you’d think

as
and appropriate music can help make a a
KILLER GAME SUICIDE
good game great.
MINUSES
Any game that If we’re going to create a ^
jT - Here is where we point out the
tax

receives a 9 or 10 stamp for the truly great,

XMlergame! *

How often and how

I
games flaws — after all, even the
from our rigorous then it’s only fair to label write-off

<x long you find yourself playing a game are best games aren’t perfect
scoring system warrants the unforgivable shit as
good indicators of its quality.
this nifty logo, if you see the PC ACCELER- well. It takes an abom -

ATOR Killer Game stamp, you know it’s a inable score of l or 2. to DESIGN A great game is one
game worth
deserve this

to see this
buying. Only the true classics

elite status,

symbol often.
so don’t expect
qualify for the

these games
noose around the neck.
Heed our warning: Stay away from
at all costs.
that sucks you in and doesn’t
it is finished. We call that good
let go
design.
until

RATING S
 PUBLISHER Southpeak Interactive DEVELOPER •••$ Egosoft
REQUIRED •••$• P200, 275MB hard drive, 32MB IDEAL •••> Pll 450, 128MB RAM, 12X CD-ROM
RAM; 3D accelerator card; 8X CD-ROM

» ACCELE RATED

X::Begond With a good card

and a large screen,
the 32-bit color all
(like

you'll

the
TNT2), lots of RAM,
be blown away by
way up to 1280x1020

the Frontier mode. But

mond Monster
it still

II
shines even with a Dia-
in 16-bit color at 800x600.

A couple more X’s and this game might have had something

t’s been years since we had

a good trading/combat

O space simulation (Privateer

2). Now, suddenly, several
developers are working on new
ones simultaneously, and the first

has just docked its decidedly non-

pornographic ass at my desk: X:
Beyond the Frontier.

The storyline is simple. Yours is

Earth’s first experimental interstel-

lar ship in 500 years. A malfunc-
tion on your initial test mission Dodging the wormholes is one
sends it into an unknown portion of the tests in the tutorial.

of the universe. Broke and

unarmed, you arrive in a mining compensate for scarcity or market
zone of an extremely mercenary glut. Regrettably, there are no
spacefaring race called the Teladi. short-term events to send you
(Think Ferenghi in lizard disguises. halfway across the galaxy for the entry port (of the ships, perv).
Why couldn’t Egosoft have used thrill of a financial killing.
some imagination to create a race X-.BTF s graphics are excellent, nonlinear, but the game’s Rotten you’re intact or you’re dead.
with a distinctive personality?) with enormous planets, race-cus- Villains became more powerful Unfortunately, there’s no multi-
They sell you basic shields, place tomized space stations and aster- over time and were likely to track player and X-.BTF s pirates have
you deep in debt, and advance oid-sized factories with colorful you down. X.-BTFdoesn’t offer side insanely stupid Al.
balls)

you 100 credits to purchase goods corporate logos. The only letdown missions, but at least it avoids Pri- Finally, a disparaging word has

own
and start trading. comes with various race represen- vateer’s cheesy writing and acting. to be cast at the game’s perplex-
There are a variety of goods for tatives who betray similar artistic Apart from the plot, X:BTF is ing manual, which omits some
his
sale, including giant spaceborne origins while employing primitive utterly open-ended. Do you want important facts (such as how to
lick
factories that consume raw materi- multiple choice response menus. to take sides in a war, join the start and transport your own facto-
to als and turn out finished products Where X:BTF surpasses Priva- pirates, or become a ruthless ries). In sharp contrast, the key-
first for general consumption. The eco- teer 2 (besides state-of-the-art bounty hunter? No problem. board and joystick controls are
nomic modeling follows supply graphics) is in its nonlinear game- Unfortunately, as you advance in intuitive, while the slimmed-down
the
and demand in changing prices to play. Privateer pretended to be power and credits, there are no cockpit display (supporting
(also
compensatory rewards. weapons, radar, thrust, and
You’ll need plenty of credits, energy readouts) thankfully avoids
1957
because the best weapons are informational overload.
in outrageously expensive. Given X-.BTF still manages to combine
that much of your life is spent an intriguing economic model with
dog,
using weak lasers, plasma throw- spectacular graphics in an open-
space ers, and missiles, combat usually ended space simulation. Bet you
means getting in very close and haven’t seen that recently.

Soviet
maneuvering quickly.

Damage is a factor of your - BARRY BRENESAL is an alien

the energy-powered shields: Either life form in search of pizza

“Laika” A knockout — lens •f PLUSES

flaring, colored lighting, shadow effects, + Fantastic graphics, good music
•••••> star matting, and rotating planets. + Completely nonlinear gameplay
+ Six races, and 54 enormous quad-
space Great voiceovers. rants in all

New Age soundtrack is appropriate for

in
the atmosphere.
— MINUSES
- Poor, very short storyline
animal
DEPTH Shallow storyline, - Lacks high-end rewards
lack of rewards once you’ve bought all - No multiplayer
first
the ship upgrades.

The
DESIGN

E
Distinctive. Truly

Maneuvering into a factory port is much easier than it was in the open-ended ganieplay and combat only
old days with Elite. when desired.
PUBLISHER •••£ IPC Software DEVELOPER — Artifact Entertainment
REQUIRED •••$ P166, 300MB hard drive, 32MB IDEAL •••$• P300, 64MB RAM, 3D card with
RAM, 2MB video card with D3D support OpenGLor D3D support

|» ACCELE-RATED
Speed isn’t an issue with this game, so your
hardware is only gonna be pushing gim-
micky stuff like fog and colored lights. So

Qf tM^KuTT'a n move along

see here.
folks, there’s nothing much to

Look pretty? Hardly. Play pretty? Aww yeah...

o on, admit it ...you’re all of which come in handy in the
a slave to eye candy. extensive dungeons. There is a

|
You’ve probably taken “story,” in the form of quests upon
I
jabs at System Shock which you can embark to discover
2 for its levels, worshipped at the the source of demonic attacks on
feet of the vacant Quake 3, and your world, but it’s irrelevant. Arti-

care more about 3D cards than fact Entertainment calls this first-

women (okay, that’s going a bit person game a “fun and challeng-
far). But if you’re willing to look ing dungeon hack.” Well said.

beyond graphics issues, you just Because hack you will. These
might find a gem like Demise. dungeons are huge, and feature
Demise's graphics suffer from just about everything that Artifact

extreme sucktitude. They suck and could think of to put in them:

they suck very hard. The models Graveyards, underwater sections,
are amateurish, spell effects are demonic altars, and so forth. The
primitive, and just about anything levels are 3D, but with a weird

you see in the dungeon will make implementation whereby you move
you think it’s 1995. But it’s okay, in a tile-based manner. This move-
because the game itself is pretty ment takes you through endless
damn entertaining. rooms and corridors where you
Demise is an RPG that is about encounter various events (mon-
two things: Your character and sters, traps, or level changes). Play

exploration. No Tomb Raider long enough and you’ll start to sur- :

genre-bending crossover action vive some of these. Ok, so the invisible monsters in Demise do look pretty cool. antasy

game here; battle is turn-based While the dungeon is fully 3D,

and requires very little action on the town setting where you man- store, the city morgue, or the guild. in gameplay and variety in dun-
artist

your part. There’s no jumping, and age your party consists of 2D pic- These locales provide a wealth of geon-hacking make this the best
definitely no breasts. You have tures of different areas with options for bulking up your party, uglygame we’ve seen without the Boris

huge amounts of nicely balanced smaller images on which you can and as your character level name “Sid Meier” on the box.
items and spells at your disposal, click to switch to such areas as the increases, you’ll get more and Vallejo

more stuff with which to play. I

found the Jail entertaining because did

you can buy monsters as compan- the

ions — there’s nothing like a gang

box
of Floor Slimes at your back to
make you feel tough. art

Once you get past the laughable for

graphics, there is plenty of good to

be uncovered in Demise. There’s Demise

even co-op multiplayer backed up

-

by a surprisingly large grassroots •>

It
online community. Demise won’t
make anyone forget about Diablo II
looks

(or even Revenant), but the depth

like

S>| GRAPHICS That ain’t the wind. + PLUSES

Boris

that’s the sound of the graphics blowing + Spells and items out the wazoo
in this game. + You’ll see it all in the dungeon
Yeltsin

+ It’s got maggots

uj* SOUND The aualitv of voice- + Contradictory name
did
work and music alternates between
excellent and downright goofy.
- MINUSES the

- Movement can get choppy

DEPTH You could explore the - Levels like Doom, but blockier
art

for
dungeons and tinker with options for - Maps can be a bit simplistic
months. (I wouldn’t, but you could.) the

DESIGN Praise the good Lord, game

it’s an actual RPG and not just Tomb

Groovy! It’s a heavily muscled half-naked disco monster! Raider with ores.
 PUBLISHER •••> Interplay Entertainment DEVELOPER •••$•
14 Degrees East
REQUIRED -> P266, 64MB RAM, 400MB hard IDEAL •••'# Pll 300, 128MB RAM, 500MB hard
drive, 4X CD-ROM drive, low expectations

» ACCELE-RATED
Although this game is fully compatible with
all Voodoo 2 level boards, the blocky pixe-
lated graphics and lackluster special effects

are still nothing to write home about, no

matter which card you have.

very so often, a game long-range fighters like Electra.

comes along that’s so Around the heroes, the players will

original it blows away equip a party of 10 to 20 units,

every game in its ranging from common sword fight-

genre. Invictus is not that game. It ers to exotic units such as Centaur

is, however, a unique combination Archers, Gorgons, and Flying

of realtime strategy and roleplay- Harpies. Each of these units can
ing that manages to be kinda fun. become stronger through experi-

The storyline is serviceable and ence. Once your party is fully

accurately reflects the Greek equipped, the game is played from

myths upon which it is based. It an isometric perspective as the
seems that Poseidon has gotten player tries to solve a variety of
into a bit of a feud with Athena strategic dilemmas.

over the nature of heroism. By and large, the missions are

They’ve decided to settle their dis- well designed and interesting. One
pute with a contest; Athena will early mission has you defending a
take some poor shlub (that would group of Gorgons who are being
be you) and turn him into such a attacked by Raiders. The problem
hero that he will be able to survive is that both these groups will try to
three specific tests launched at kill you. You have to tightly control
him by Poseidon. your troops as well, because if
Taking on a squad of Raiders in a burned out village.
You select two of 10 mythologi- more than half the Gorgons die,

cal heroes at the beginning of the you lose the mission. it’s entirely possible to win the “isn’t it already dead” technology
game and discover the others as RPG aspects come into play as earlier missions and find later mis- makes everything look pixelly,

you progress through the mis- you bulk up your troops and cre- sions impossible because you’ve blurry, and frankly, quite ugly.

sions. The heroes include warriors ate an experienced war party that lost toomany seasoned troopers. Invictus’ real problem, however,
like Hercules and Cadmus, and can survive later missions. Indeed, The single-player game serves as a is its style (or lack thereof). The
training ground for multiplayer units and heroes have amusing

Gods)
arena because war parties can be comments, but no personality. The
exported into multiplayer combat. graphics are dull, with listless hero

Geek
So why isn’t Invictus better? portraits, uninspiring architecture,

One word: Voxels. This archaic and dull color palettes, and lackluster
like
effects. Considering the rich

source material, I expected more.

(more

But, Invictus is unique and, in

its limited way, fun. It’s a stellar

Gods
idea that suffers from rather
pedestrian execution. A little more
Greek

snap and style in presentation and

as design, and Interplay really
would’ve had something.

themselves

- ALLEN RAUSCH has the body of

a Greek god — Pan
of
< 5>| GRAPHICS Average — blocky, + PLUSES
think

pixilated terrain and gerally uninspired + Hilarious dialogue

graphic effects. + Solid voice acting and pretty
staffers
decent storyline
SOUND Didn’t drop the ball + Fresh, intriguing, well-executed

here. It’s got humorous dialogue and

PCXL
great voice-acting.
MINUSES
- Never feel attached to soldiers
DEPTH There are 22 well- - Clunky and unispired graphics
designed single-player levels and a solid - Dull units
multiplayer suite. - Voxels

DESIGN A smooth blend of

Funny, I don’t remember skeletons in Greek history.

realtime strategy and roleptay
fun, if mediocre, experience.
make for a

RATING 6
PUBLISHER Hasbro Interactive DEVELOPER Cyberlore Studios

REQUIRED — >Pi 66 32MB RAM, 300MB hard

3 ,
IDEAL P233, 64MB RAM, and a healthy

drive, and a healthy amount of patience amount of Black Star beer

» ACCELE-RATED
The only thing accelerated in this game is

your heart rate when your lazy-ass subjects

don’t do what you tell them to do. Other
than that, this game is quite undeniably 2D.

So there.

Dammit! Will someone go waste that f#@%ing Minotaur!

he devious game to establish his realm in a land rife The Bell, the Book, and the Candle

elves at Cyberlore with goblins, liche queens, big

Studios were faced hairy things with axes, and other
with a problem when sundry Tolkien-esque nasties.
they created the fantasy RTS game In establishing their kingdom,
Majesty... howto make it different players build guild halls to
from the small horde of competing develop Warriors, Wizards, and
RTS games on the shelf. Should other heroes, as well as markets,
they allow gamers to build more guard towers, and the like. Mar-
units? How about if players are kets are built to generate revenue,
forced to mine more than just two while fairgrounds are constructed
resources? Nah, it’s all been done. to train heroes so they can gain

Instead, those insidious little experience levels without the risk

developers did something differ- of combat. The Barbarians, Wiz-
ent ... they gave less control over ards, Monks, Rangers and many
units. Heck, they practically give other hero classes all do what the
players no control at all. Sound well-established character classes
maddening? For about the first 30 usually do, i.e. hurling magic,
minutes, it is. Until something odd slashing with swords, or killing
happens ... it becomes fun. with poisoned arrows.
The basic concept behind Though campaigns are laid out
Majesty is simple enough. Players by difficulty level (beginner,

assume the role of a king seeking advanced, expert, hernia-induc-

ing), neophyte majesties must res- Medusa's bad hair day scares the villagers away.
cue the magic scroll, free the
slaves, hold off the goblin hordes hair. Here you’ve spent 500 gold to Since, as in many sims, players
The
... it’s all standard fantasy king- recruit him and he’s cavorting all don’t specifically control the units
stuff, right? over the screen stealing stuff, on screen. Ultimately, one won-
Wrong! In Majesty, one has to sometimes fighting monsters, ders, is this really RTS or a variant “meade”

cajole heroes into achieving objec- other times running away if he of the God-sim genre? And really,
they
tives. There’s no commanding. gets scared. What’s a king to do? who cares? Is it worth the money
There’s no clicking on a unit to go Offer money, that’s what. Too that could otherwise be spent on
serve

kill the rampaging dragon. Seri- much unexplored space on the beer? Is it fun? The answer is a
ously ... it’s build a Rogue, watch map? Plant an explore banner and tentative “yes." at

him run away, then pull out your intrepid heroes will make their It’s not the new genre-redefiner.

way to it in order to earn gold. A Wouldn’t call this a must-have

Renaissance

Minotaur slaughtering all the either, but it is fun. Majesty sports

peasants? Plant a reward banner a nifty twist on the genre, while
on it and the nearest Warriors and still offering the elements that
Faires

Rangers may decide to charge to most fantasy RTS fans crave.

is
the rescue ... but sometimes, hilar-

iously, they won’t. It may sound - GEORGE STARK could reveal

usually

like a very limiting play-mechanic, secret information about himself

but it’s really not. ... but then he’d have to kill you
just

: GRAPHICS Like a pepperoni + PLUSES cheap

pizza minus the meat ... good enough, + Lots of character classes
jug
but not as good as it could have been. + The God-sim route adds spice
+ Makes you want to scarf turkey
SOUND The blasted Connery legs and guzzle meade
wine

wannabe narrator and joyful Renaissance

Faire music will drive you mad.
— MINUSES
- The music is too friggin’ happy
DEPTH Surprisingly deep, - Not enough methods for
despite the lack of control. A little more influencing heroes
play and I may require methadone. - Needs more campaigns

DESIGN A bold move to think

that less control would separate Majesty
And then one time at band camp, we kicked that goblin’s ass! from the seething RTS crowd.
 PUBLISHER -4 Talonsoft DEVELOPER -4 Illusion Softworks
REQUIRED -4 P266, 32MB RAM, 12X ROM, IDEAL -4 P400, 64MB RAM, 460MB RAM
160MB hard drive, 3D card w/ 8MB+ VRAM

ACCELE-RATED
Hey, can we change this section to “De-
accele-rated”? Under Voodoo3, it crapped
out completely. With dual Voodoo2’s, it per-

formed with graphic glitches and loading

was extremely slow. Yuck.

t is the way of mission

disks. Their fates are

hinged to the games

they supplement. The
Hidden & Dangerous mission disk,

Devil's Bridge, is no exception.

Like its predecessor, it’s a poten-
tially decent game ... that doesn’t
work worth a damn.
This add-on for last year’s strat-
egy/action hit (current worldwide

sales: 350,000) offers nine com-

mando missions spread over three Shit! That damn plane took off
campaigns — two against Ger- without us!
mans in 1944 and one against
Communist partisans in 1946 Six gave me quite the joyful jolt of
Greece. You pick eight troopers the freight train in H&D’s debut
(who have identical noses) mission computer-gam-
Wreaking a little havoc in a commandeered Panther. (It’s not aim-
all for (a classic

your campaign pool, assign up to ing moment), the better levels

ing at anything — just showing its stuff.)
four to a given mission, equip ’em thrive on the same combination of
to the nines and send them out rich detail, atmospheric sound first mission took off without us ... pink weapons screen. I tried to

into a lavish 3D world. effects, and accessible controls. and the game went on as though load up a saved game, watched a
If you get it to work, you’ll have I wish Devil’s Bridge had more we were on board. The game occa- happy parade of graphic glitches
some fun. While nothing I’ve spot- of Hidden & Dangerous’ edge and sionally got confused over which and waited — I kid you not —
ted in this WWII spin on Rainbow flair for spectacle. Though the first commando was attached to which almost two minutes for the thing

mission is quite good, the second hotkey. And, for some strange rea- to finish. Shades of Sin! I finally

is just a throwaway. It really pops son, the developers have buried got it running without glitches or
the old suspension-of-disbelief the order to load the single saved crashes, albeit still incredibly
thing when one of my men walks game per mission (a feature I still slowly, after switching over to a
up to the side of a plane and his like) under “Start New Game.” TNT card.

head disappears into the fuselage. But the most serious problem — But, really ... think about it ...

Some of the scripts don’t seem to the one that killed it for me — was how many people have two gam-
work either. The bomber in the getting into the game and sticking ing rigs — one of which has two
with it once was there. Devil's
I 3D video cards? Let the buyer

Bridge apparently doesn’t do beware, at least until a patch

Voodoo. On the Voodoo 3000- comes along. Depending on your
equipped Pentium II 450 on which system, the Bridge might keep you
I’d played H&D, it crashed repeat- satisfied until next year’s Hidden
edly at boot. & Dangerous II, but it just might

On a PI I 350 system with an blow up in your face.

Obsidian 2 (dual Voodoo2’s on a
single card), it loaded, but with - PETER OLAFSON likes the dev-

graphic glitches in the load meter ils he knows better than the devils
and occasional shifts to a garish he doesn’t

<®> GRAPHICS (5p npra || u nnanar + PLUSES

with H&D, but lacks that game’s spectac- + It finally ran
ular “specials.” + It has some good missions
+ The sound can be cool
Again, almost as rich + Functional terrain graphics
context-sensitive sound as H&D, and
in

that’s saying something.

— MINUSES
- Crashes
i DEPTH At its hest. it’s the - Graphic glitches (though,
equal of H&D, except with opportunities happily, not in the game proper)
for different tactics.
- Slow as hell when loading

Therest of the team heads down a streambed to a sewer outlet. DESIGN So-so. The levels
“Why didn’t auto-setup give us nose plugs?” “Shut up and smell were solid, but didn’t feel as as novel and

the sludge.” personal as they did in the first game.

PUBLISHER •••> Interactive Strip DEVELOPER •••*• CDV Software
REQUIRED •••$• P-166, 32MB RAM, 510 MB IDEAL —$ PII-400, 950MB hard drive, D3D-
hard drive, DirectX-compatible sound card, a compatible 3D card, joystick, a lowered
box of tissues expectation of all things porn

» ACCELE-RATED
Since most of Wet Attack is a 2D adventure,
a 3D card is used only in battles. There are
some graphics on par with Wing Comman-
der II. Thus, any D3D compatible card is ok,
though we crashed with Voodoo3.

ue to Wet Attack’s ...

ahh ... unique appeal,

we’ve asked two
reviewers to cover this
game. First, our professional,
unbiased reviewer, Chuck, and
then with a counterpoint provided
by his very biased lower extrem-
ity, Li’l Chuck ...

CHUCK As porn games go, Wet

Attack is the Caligula of them of
all, coming on a groin-blowing six

CD-ROMS (two are just for the

install) and playing a little like

Debbie Does Privateer. If, when

you hear the word “hardcore,”
you think of gaming and not sex, A non-porn sequence. OK, the
then you can skip ahead to the ship may have a breast on it.
next page. There’s nothing for you
to see here. course, buxom babes getting
LI’L CHUCK —'{• Oh, shit, that’s a boinked. Starring as Buck, a neb-
NAKED CHICK on the load screen! bish cab driver in Mega City, you’re
Crap, crap, crap ... this is gonna be contacted by sex goddess Lula to Well, here we have a giant ... uh
cool. That’s Lula, the ambassador stop the porkulant Pimperator, an
... huh-huh-huuuh ...

of the planet Pleasure 6 ... she’s evil being intent on destroying all

like a cross between Jenna Jame- lust by killing our libidos. (Like robots have “hot rods” that you
son and Wendy Whoppers ... load, Roseanne, only funnier.) can pick up and use. Oh, tee hee, Despite

damn you, LOAD! LI’L CHUCK — Aw, hell ... my char- how naughty ... (*yawn*).
CHUCK — * At its heart, Wet Attack acter is a geek. Hey, where are the LI’L CHUCK •••$• Yes! A police babe what

is a dismal point-n-dick adventure women? This isn’t porn! For the is checking me out and she’s hot.
our
featuring cash-raising side mis- love of God, where’s the pom!?! Wait ... what the hell is this? You Look here. Now took back up
sions interspersed with 3D-ish CHUCK — > Graphics and anima- only get to have sex by using icons again. Repeat.
special

space combat sequences and, of tions are better than you’d have and clicking around her body parts
any right to expect, giving low- ... and SHE’S FULLY CLOTHED. Even more deadly to my libido than any-
» THINGS THAT WORK brow sight gags a Beavis-like the porno cutscene doesn’t show thing the Pimperator could come midget

BETTER WET ... charm before losing their novelty. any good stuff. This won’t do ... up with. As a game, it’s a 3.
Yes, your spaceship is shaped like this won’t do at all. LI’L CHUCK — •> Lousy sex, no issue

a giant mammary and sex slave CHUCK— Even if the visuals did bush, but I did peep nippleage.
turn you on, the horrendous voice Score this one a 5. said,

WHEN DRY -'{ Con-

sidered a joke by the acting will turn you off faster than
other super heroes a glimpse of Ernest Borgnine’s - CHUCK OSBORN frequently Li’l

WHEN WET —J- Kick-

ass King of the Seven
back hair. Buck’s (obviously read) disagrees with Li’l Chuck, but Chuck

Seas ... but still kind delivery is so gratingly “oh what are ya gonna do? It’s got a
of a joke is
shucks” phony that it was much mind of its own
not

® GRAPH;' Reasonably good 2D + PLUSES a

WHEN DRY Hard graphics, but cutscenes are grainy and + Nekkid girls on all fours
and crusty ... Hke
Strom Thurmond’s
the 3D space battles are laughable. + Strives for depth pseudonym

erection (yuki) + Graphics not bad ... for a porn

WHEN WET -Kan SOUND After hearing these game, that is
pick up a spilt; hope- voiceovers, think Van Gogh may have
I
for
fully not Strom’s
been on to something.
MINUSES
Dan
- The voice acting
T-SHIRT Intrinsically flimsy - Simplistic gameplay
WHEN DRY -
-f Loose premise, but missions and the ability to - Is to games what missionaries Egger

and drab upgrade helps some. are to the Missionary Position

WHEN WET -f Tight
and form-fitting,
made better with the
If this were a porno, it

right filling
You haven’t had sex until
you’ve had rectangle sex.
would be a lush big-budget pre-’8os sex
flick masterpiece ... but still a rotten film.
RATING 4
 PUBLISHER •••$ GT Interactive DEVELOPER Sunflowers
REQUIRED •••% P100, 16MB RAM, 120MB hard IDEAL •••$• P250, 32MB RAM, 8x CD-ROM drive,

drive, 2MB graphics card, 4X CD-ROM drive patience of a saint

» ACCELE-RATED
3D cards won’t get any exercise here. It’s

strictly 2D, laid out on an isometric grid with

black spots behind objects substituting for
shadow effects. Another perfectly good
waste of your glorious 3D card.

Build an empire, fight an interface

espite outward appear- but 1602 A.D. doesn’t provide

ances, 1602 A.D. is an either. You have to keep an eye on
overly complex game every building and watch for float-
of realtime empire ing question marks that indicate
micro-management. You start off problems brewing beneath those
with one ship and a few supplies, attractively tiled rooftops. You
as do your three computerized then have to figure out what’s
opponents. Your goal is to suc- wrong with each building and how
cessfully colonize a few large to repair the problem, even while
islands and develop a self-regulat- you’re sailing ships into foreign
ing economy. Monitoring this pro- ports, and directing the purchase
cess takes a great deal of time, and sale of specific goods before
because the resource chain of raw some other weasel can slip in and
materials and finished goods cut a deal.
(involving dozens of items, such as 1602 A.D. is a surprisingly peace-
wood, tools, clothes, wool, food, ful game, and the only empire-
and ores) is more complicated in building RTS I’ve seen (despite all

its interrelationships than any- the marketing hype others use)

You can enclose a thriving young colony with cattle farms — just
thing even the Settlers series has that genuinely lets you win either
be careful where you step.
offered to date. through conquest or cooperative
You also have to contend with trade. But wars can happen, usu- The game offers three speed at it. I do like 1602 A.D .' s retro-

your citizens’ needs in a timely ally from competition for space settings, but when you’re juggling S/mC/'ty-as-Elizabethan-town look,
fashion. Fail, and they won’t and supplies. When they do, you trade, war, and the home front, and would have gladly spent more
merely throw time-honored foul must manually direct each of your even the slowest setting comes time studying each building and
gestures in your direction — ground troops and ships in battle. across like the Energizer Bunny on object up close.
they’ll stop paying taxes, and that True, the commands are simple: crack. The Pause key brings up an 1602 A.D. supports up to four
spirals quickly downwards into Select from a list of formations animated port screen, which is my players on a network or via the
economic collapse. Trade is essen- (which appear to affect nothing) nomination for “Worst Game Idea Internet, and two players using a
tial, because no colony is large or and click on a targeted enemy. But of 2000” (thus far). Not only does serial connection. That’s the ideal

resource-rich enough to produce if you don’t personally see to each it prevent you from issuing com- way to play it, since without com-
everything its inhabitants require. unit, it will just sit in place and mands to your far-flung empire, puter-directed Al, everybody has
Any game this detailed really obligingly perish. but it even stops you from looking to suffer through the same prob-
needs resource summary screens lems simultaneously.
(such as those in Imperialism II) or Despite these quite annoying
overlays (like those in Pharaoh or issues, there’s a lot that’s good in

SimCity) to monitor your society 1602 A.D. But alas, colony success
for trouble spots as they arise — is ultimately limited by poor man-
agement controls. And don’t even
think about going to war — unless
you’re a multitasking automa-
-*
tron, that is.

There’s gold in them thar hills! Floating hammers above the - BARRY BRENESAL claims to be
mountains indicate supplies of iron and gold. an accredited sim-ologist

GRAPHICS SimCitv 16m. with + PLUSES

nearly 50 Elizabethan-style buildings. + Good economic model
Simple, effective animation. + Good game balance
+ Pay pirates to attack opponents
Good voiceovers. + Randomized scenarios
Poorly arranged classical music on the
soundtrack gets annoying very quickly.
— MINUSES
- Poor speed controls
® DEPTH Vprv replavahle — - No summary screens
seven campaigns, dozens of single- - In-game tutorials far too basic
player and multiplayer scenarios.

DESIGN Lacks adequate man-

Forces destroy an
Howard johnson’s.
enemy guardpost resembling a 17th century agement controls to handle the increas-
ing complexity of growth and trade.
RATING 6
 ’
'L

BLACK
I SI E

A DIVISION OF INTERPLAY

Year
- PC Games Hi
- PC Accelerator

"1997 RPG of the Year”

- PC Gamer - Computer
- Computer Games Magazine
- GameSpot - GamerzEdge.cc
- Online Gaming Review
- TheThread.com - GamesMc
®
- Critic's Choice Video G

•
.

'
•* •--? ••. ' <
-

“1998 RPG of the Year”

- PC Gamer - Gamespot
- Adrenaline Vault - CNET Gamecenter
- Warzone.com - Electric Games.com
- Computer Gaming World

“1998 Game of the Year”

- Computer Games Magazine - Computer Games Online
- Imagine Games Network - Vault Network
- Games Domain Review Reader's Awards
 Ye*
999
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1 £

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“1999 RPG of the Year" *

- Computer Gaming World - Gamespot
- Computer Games Magazine - Intelligamer
- Gone Gold - EvilAvatar.com
- Well Rounded Entertainment
*>

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5PG o! She Year

“1999 Game of the Year” Gai

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Year

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 BY GAMERS. FOR GAMERS

“1999 Science Fiction

Simulation of the Year
Computer Gaming World - GameSpot
Computer Games Magazine

S3Uin03H

!”
much
Itdoesn’t get
better than this"
Next Generation
"(MDK2) May have the
single-player experience
l -ig
that’ll beat everything else rail

you can do by yourself (yes

even that, you pervert)”
- IGN (PC)
m
0

“1999 Simulation
of the Year”
- Computer Gaming World - PC Gamer
- Computer Games Magazine - GameSpot

"Destined for greatness”

- CNET Gamecenter
 A DIVISION OF INTERPLAY

COMMAND

"...This is easily
one of the best sames
of the year/’
- Next Generation Online

STAR 1 TR£|V
v W > -
Z' > \

ACADEMY "...Easily the best

looking space combat
Same we have seen
on the PC to date.”
- GameFan Online
An original twist to the action genre

Star Trek meets Starcraft”

- PC Gamer
 EHTERTHIHMEHT

"... Bob could be

the first of
third-person
heroes or heroines
^ V
to successfully blend
elements of Tomb Raider !

and Classic first-person

games
- Next Generation
like Quake 2!” I ,t

“...Best looking same

I’ve ever seen!"
- Gamers Press

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 here’s a new football league in the works from Vince McMa- GOOD VS. EVIL
hon (the owner of the WWF, not Chicago Bears’ mouthy ex- PRO WRESTLING '} Triple H is

quarterback) this spring. Sadly, the league will basically have evil — The Rock is good
the same rules as the NFL, except with less talented players. NFL •••;<• The Raiders (and fans) are
The only new angles the XFL is taking will be the nauseating helmet-cam evil but the rest of football is sup-
and the expletive-laden players’ microphones. That is all well and good, posed to be good
but we think you’ll agree that borrowing much more heavily from the suc- IN THE PCXFL .4 Forget Eastern
cess of wrestling to make a league like the PCXFL would be far more Conference vs. Western Confer-
enjoyable. Here are few ideas ... ence, how ’bout Satan’s Minions
vs. God’s Gladiators in a Super
Battle of Good vs. Evil?

PIOT LINES
PRO WRESTLING '} Comebacks,
revenge, and twists generally bet-
ter than most movies
NFL — }• They script the first 15

plays, but don’t plan for dramatic

moments — in fact, they try to

avoid them
INTHE PCXFL -4 Early in the PRE-GAME TRASH TALKING
game a quarterback gets his eyes PRO WRESTLING -j- Fights are
poked by a defensive lineman, but preceded by comments about
he comes back just in time to lead other wrestler’s weak-ass moves
his team to victory through the NFL -J- Terry Bradshaw and jimmy
There

incredible pain Kimmeljoke back and forth — but

they aren’t even NFL players
Just before this game Kenny Stabler was caught hiding L’il Snake in
was

INTERFERENCE IN THE PCXFL -j> Coin toss always

Jack Lambert’s daughter — now THAT would be some emotion. no
PRO WRESTLING -4 Some other turns to mayhem when the punter
wrestler mysteriously appears in breaks a bottle over the refs head

FANTASY SPORTS FRA6 the audience, armed with a chair

or a bag of tacks. Fie jumps into HALF-NAKED WOMEN
Photoshopping

wm
the ring to swing the momentum PRO WRESTLING -4 There are
DENNIS GREEN NFL —)• There is pass interference, half-naked women, although most
h
WHY MIKE HATES HIM ••• The over- but it’s really kinda sissy of them look more like men
involved

weight, drum-playing, player-coddling, IN THE PCXFL -4 Barry Sanders NFL CHEERLEADERS -4 They
time-management sucking moronic breaks free, runs freely down the game
aren’t allowed to play the
in
head coach of the Vikings managed to sideline and heads for a touch- IN THE PCXLFL -4 Cheerleaders
the
i convince (or more likely bribe) owner down. But from out of the stands are “in-play” and can be used as
P" Redneck McCombs to let him be in comes Leon Lett, who bashes tackling dummies or interference.
Chyna
'
charge of all personnel decisions. Barry in the head with a folding Flitting cheerleaders would lead to
First thing this twit does is draft chair — pure chaos erupts! brawls and vows of revenge pic
Daunte Culpepper (who has yet to han-
—

dle a snap without fumbling it). Next, he Chyna is a

she’s

passes on jevon Kearse and drafts Dim- “female”

***** wrestler.
itrius “Headcase” Underwood. All right, draft

T mistakes happen. I can forgive that, but now this YS

*
really

a
freak proclaims that signing a punter is more important
than signing two all-pro offensive lineman, a starting quarterback, or one of the “she”

best receivers in football. Denny, you’re an idiot!

HOW MIKE WOULD FRAG HIM •••'<•

Unfortunately for Vikings fans, Denny himself is
A *
(we

already taking care of that: He has committed to his mistakes by making Daunte

Culpepper a starter (behind a devastated offensive line). Once Daunte fumbles it mm think)

away to the other team, the Vikings defense

offense in the league look prolific.
will come on the
But hey, don’t worry Vikes fans
field and make any
— we’ve still

i "
m
m
got the best punter in the NFL. Woo-fricking-hoo.

1 I
.

'
'

A ,
\,1
 DEVELOPER Magnetic Fields

PUBLISHER * Electronic Art

REQUIRED •••*• PH 266, 64MB RAM,

20MB hard drive, 4X CD-ROM, 8MB
video

IDEAL •••<• Pill 500, 128MB RAM,

650MB hard drive, 32X CD-ROM, 16+

AGP video

ired of racing lap after there ice (pronounced “ass” by my

lap on smooth, closed- co-driver)? Why aren’t there any
circuit racing simula- naked girls? You can exceed the
tions (aka: driving in allotted time — just prepare for a

f— king circles) Mobil 1 British time penalty. I ignored gearbox

Rally Championship delivers a damage due to the time penalty

much shapelier challenge if you’re and paid for it in the next stage
ready to accept it. when I lost second gear, and soon
Of course, my initial reaction to after, third.

racing pint-sized four-cylinder While handling physics are very

front drivers across terrain better realistic and unforgiving, damage
suited for motocross bikes was - physics are tuned towards contin-
less than hopeful, but the inten- ppp ued gameplay over realistic

sity of rally racing eliminated any physics. Repeatedly hitting a tree

trepidation. Racing through beau- at 80 mph will not destroy your car
tifully rendered countryside along as quickly as it should, though car
varied, undulating, and dangerous - ju
‘
MAm v-;
damage is progressive. Off-track
terrain in constantly changing forays can cause spoilers to break
weather conditions takes balls The incredible graphics in Mobil 1 British Rally Championship even off and windows to shatter,
that clang. make French cars good. instantly crumpling your ride into

Rally Championship presents a an unrecognizable heap.

nerve-wracking challenge of rac- Mobil 1 British Rally Champi- Winning the British Rally Cham- Several multiplayer modes are
ing through unfamiliar (unless onship is huge, and completing it pionship unlocks the A8 Champi- supported, including an asinine
you’re anal enough to memorize will consume your life. With six onship, an exclusive all-wheel turn-based scenario for up to four.
all 420 miles) landscapes. With separate rallies, each consisting of drive, four-cylinder turbo-charged (What the hell are you going to do
forward visibility frequently cut six individual stages, a single class. You can also race in practice while you wait for three drivers to
short by hills, fog, darkness, snow, stage can be as lengthy as 26 mode, allowing you to select any complete a 20-mile stage?) A two-
trees, boulders, logs, and vicious miles or as short as two miles. one of the 36 stages, or choose player split-screen mode occasion-
hairpins, it’s essential that you lis- Your goal is to complete each arcade play, which ignores dam- ally gets the jitters, and unless you
honest

ten to your co-driver as he (or she) stage as quickly as possible. The age and includes a reverse mode. have the bandwidth, TCP/IP is a
...
belts out pace notes describing team with the lowest time to com- The meat of this title is the Cham- slideshow, with warping effects
detailed track and terrain informa- plete all six rallies is awarded the pionship. It’s up to you to pre- and intermittent lag.

“shee-yit"
tion Just ahead. championship. serve your car’s integrity through- Multiplayer issues aside, Rally
out the race. If your car does suf- Championship delivers spectacu-
fer damage, chill — service areas lar graphics, tons of licensed cars,
are located at the end of several and unique tracks. This is one of
pronounced stages in each rally, allowing the most intense, exciting, and
repairs/adjustments to be made rewarding racing titles we’ve seen
within a fixed time period. in quite some time.
is
Many factors influence your
Seat
decisions in this game. How long - MICHAEL HICKS wishes the
is the next stage? Can my tranny British would start speaking
make it to the next service area? Is “Proper American English”
automaker

GRAPHICS Ranks as one of the + PLUSES

best, if not the best, looking racing sim + Great sense of speed
Spanish
on the market. + Force feedback effects
+ An uncompromising racing
SOUND All aspects recreated experience
The
faithfully, rightdown to the smallest
detail. A3D & EAX support.
— MINUSES
- Questionable damage physics
DEPTH Get comfortable, - Lack of difficulty settings
because winning this game is going to - Multiplayer is buggy
take a very long time.

DESIGN There is 420 miles of

“Straightnin’ the curves, ftattnin’ the hilts ... Someday the moun- fantastically rendered British Isle scenery
tain might get ’em but the law never will. Yee-haw!” just waiting for an automotive pounding.
 » ACCELE RATED
DEVELOPER — j> Housemarque
Impressive texturing, landscapes, lighting
PUBLISHER •••;> Infogrames
and characters make this a 3D-accelerated
REQUIRED -‘if Pll 233, 64MB RAM, 8MB feast, but cards like the GeForce that support
3D card, 350MB hard drive, 4X CD-ROM 24-bit color offer a notable improvement.
IDEAL •••<•
450 MHz, 128MB RAM, 32MB
I
3D card
It’s like snowboarding, but not at all

very Playstation devel- Especially with straight downhill

oper seems intent on racing, the basic controls are sim-

releasing yet another, ple, but the bizarre trick scheme

inevitably mediocre leaves a lot to be desired in the
snowboarding game, presumably intuitive gameplay department.
because one of them sold well at Charging up the trick meter
some point. So, it was only a mat- enables you to perform various
ter of time before the PC got hit off-the-wall snowboarding tech-
with the arctic answer to skate- niques, but the game clouds
boarding. Infogrames has jumped things up by having three different
in Boarder Zone, a sort of Trick- charge arrows (each for a specific
style-meets-Cool Boarders, with style of trick), and it’s very hard to
licensed decks, funky looking get the hang of doing even basic
alter-egos, and more sharp 3D tricks smoothly.
accelerated eye candy than a sane The game gives boarders the
body might expect to find from the chance to take their shot in four
people who insist on continually separate events — the Downhill The best place for heavy construction equipment is always right in

inflicting us with Test Drive games. (with three locales that each have the middle of a downhill racing track.
Visually, Boarder Zone is three courses), the Pipe, a downhill
damned impressive. Nine different event focusing on tricks, Big Air, Boarder Zone way ahead of its messes up, while the courses
slopes offer an incredibly organic, where you have to cross a ravine console machine competitors. themselves are littered with obsta-

natural looking surface reminis- as artistically as possible, and the All the events share a few com- cles as the difficulty level

cent of the beautifully contoured Time Attack. You can try your luck mon, commendable traits — great increases. Also, since this is a win-
and structured landscapes of in the single event arcade mode, looks, fast pacing, and high enter- ter sport, the courses tend to have
Drakan. The video options allow practice, or the Championship, tainment value, if a somewhat a distinctly similar look and feel,
Al
players with power machines to wherein you build up your career unrealistic look on the sport itself. although the various weather and
pump up the resolution. Color by starting at the bottom and Computer competition, however, time of day options add a great Pacino

depth, along with a range of spe- working your way up the ranks. is tough, cheap, and seldom deal of variety.
cial effects in the lighting, shadow, The game also offers the If the control had been better,
played

and detail departments, easily ability for up to eight Boarder Zone would have been far

makes Zone one of the best look- players to race the more appealing. Even “as is,” for
Tony

ing games out there. Downhill over a network, fans of this budding genre, this
It’sa shame the game doesn’t which adds a lot to the isn’t a bad attempt. It’s gorgeous,
play quite as smoothly as it looks. play value, and puts fast, sharp, and entertaining, in a Montana

shallow sort of way. Just don’t

expect anything more than a in

tricked-out arcade racer in a

snowy setting. Scarface,

- JASON D’APRILE is so bad at a

snowboarding that the last time
movie

he tried it, people riding by on the

lifts were making fun of him
about

<S> GRAPHICS -j- PLUSES a

As eood looking as
snowboarding on the PC is likely to get + Fantastic graphics and eye candy different

for some time. + Seven player LAN support is a

welcome option
Decent, if somewhat + Can import all 25 add-on courses kind

repetitive tunes, and minimal, effective

sound effects.
~ MINUSES of

- Trick controls are far too complete

(§;| DEPTH | The trick svstem
“snow’

and hard to get into

takes a lot of practice, as do trick-based - Tracks all feel the same
events like the Pipe. - Weak commentary

DESIGN This game is marred

by uneasy controls, and heavily depen-
This is probably gonna hurt when she lands... dent on its looks.
 Now Taking
ReQUESTS
“The most addictive
online role playing game in existence is about to get another
infusion. The EverQuest expansion, Ruins of Kunark,

introduces an entire new player race, a huge new

continent, and a plethora of new monsters,
dungeons, items, and cities. Along with

modifications to the existing engine to allow for

even more advancement of current characters, this is

one expansion that will inspire an entire new wave of

addiction in players. We’re literally beating

up members of Verant and 989 Studios

for an inside peek.” - DailyRadar.com

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 Fear, Paranoia & Terror.

Guarantee Yours Today!

“The best gets better. Diablo II will likely be an early

Machine: PC
Publisher: Havas/Blizzard
candidate for game of the year ... There are now five
Genre: RPG/Action

^ # of Players: Eight
classes of player character - amazon, barbarian, necromancer,

WE paladin, and sorceress. Each class offers characters 30

unique skills, arranged in skill trees ... The random level

generation that made the original Diablo so timeless will remain

for Diablo II, and with vast improvements ... Diablo II, far from being

a simple retread, will open up a whole new world of

hellspawn goodness ... Hands down, Diablo II is the most

eagerly awaited title of the coming year ...

”
- DailyRadar.com

'
-f S
v 113/112

Battle Hell’s minions as the Amazon, Sorceress,

Necromancer, Barbarian, or Paladin.
1 Challenge the ultimate evil

expansive realms.
over four Harness the energies of
arcane new
light and darkness with
spells and enchantments.

K. ^ ~*i

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 oes Nox multiplayer seem tike playing tag in a bus
RuneMason Meoff
I down a cliff? We thought so too at first,
that’s rolling

many hours of research and some help from

but after s
-

,:w .

the Nox lords over at Westwood - we’ve got the goods. "
'

Once you get these combos hot-keyed, you’ll be slap- i .

pin’ around those jumpy Nox -newbie bitches just like they deserve.
;
•
‘
M-y '

i
•
f
'
... f Jr .

Wizard —> Persistant bolt

If you have a big ole’

and you got the cojones to match,

mellon head H energy bolt
of damage (like Lightning) so

long as you don’t move or get hit.

you probably want

ard. He’s the most
to pick the Wiz-

difficult to play y FEAR > Good

jured monsters go away.
for making con-

due to his fragile health

complex magic system you must

learn to navigate. First,
and the

you need to
U force field
all

Always have
damage, no
•••> Absorbs half of

this running!
single hit kills.
You invoke
You invoke
You invoke
(he Missiles' of Magic, spell.
the Missiles of
the Missiles of
Magic
Magic
spell.

spell.

set up one to five sets of spells fumble > Having trouble

When going toe-to-toe, tons of Magic Missiles will make ‘im dance.
from your spell book. with Warriors? Make ’em

KEY SPELLS:
E
drop all their stuff!

inversion > Spells that are S MAGIC MISSILE

and you can cast
> Costs

it while run-
little Teleport to a marker:
As a Wizard, put teleport markers

H anchor > Make sure your

enemy doesn’t teleport away.
targeted on you will go back
at the caster. You must cast this
ning.

key set.
Good to keep

—
in an offensive in evil spots. Cast Invulnerability
on yourself, walk into the lava and
Reverse it to make sure he doesn't

teleport you away.

bunk > Teleport to a ran- H
after the enemy’s
invisibility

the time!
spell
—> Duh. Use
is cast.

it all H OBLITERATION
damage
around you. Very slow to
spell to everything
•> MaSSIVe

cast!
put
costs
lot
down
little
a Teleport Marker. This
mana and you can
more people by sending them
kill a

dom location.
-> All
Hg invulnerability--) When you REFLECTIVE SHIELD •> This will into lava or onto a bed of spikes.

WWI
counterspell airborne is® need to cover your ass for a reflect missiles away from
spells are cancelled — Fire- few moments, use this. you. You can still cast defensive, Basic Combat:
ball and Magic Missile included. lesser heal > The only heal- spells while it’s active, so don’t for- Cast Haste when you need a speed
during

units
H death ray > Beam
unarmored foes (~ioo pts of
that kills

about
ing spell for Wizards,
six castings to get to full.

A good
it takes get Drain
pS]
SsK
wall
Mana and
•> Good
Lesser Heal.
for holding
boost to get out of jam, but don’t
want to leave the area with blink.

damage).
gm lightning ) main- teams of warriors at bay. Use all four teleport points.

training
H drain
from
from long range.
mana ••> Takes mana
pillars and other players
ESiS stay. Lots of damage, multi-
ple targets,

armored Warriors.
and extra damage to Interesting Traps:
For all traps, it’s far more effective
Place traps on three of them and
have one next
Wand of Death so
to goodies
you can quickly
like the

for
to place a Marker on the trap and retrieve them when you get killed.

post then cast Teleport to Marker on Markers expire after three uses, so
your victim. Sayonara! drop a fresh one with each visit.

Switch play styles as your ene-

military

aced in the hole •> Anchor, Wall, mies adapts. If they expect you to
a Obliteration. Place it in a corner or teleport them to traps, stop it. Use
small room so the wall blocks the the brute force of Force Field,
originally exit. (The Anchor part is really Invulnerabtity, and Energy Bolt.

unnecessary if you’re playing Don’t walk. Blink everywhere.

was
against Warriors who can’t teleport Always be invisible. Use Shock and
or if you’re playing against magic Lightning against Warriors wearing
Knox casters who are too silly not to lots of armor.
have Blink available.)
Fort
inferno trap } Ring of Fire, Fire- Defenses:
ball, and Magic Missile. This works As a Wizard, have Magic Missiles
really well if you place the trap in a ready to kill Conj bombers. Also,
room full of TNT barrels. you can cast detonate seen traps
dead man walking •> Obliteration, to clear a room of Wiz traps. Keep
Confuse, Slow. Almost as effective your force field up all the time. An
as having Wall in the spell, but invisible Wizard with Force Field

with less casting cost. and a Wand of Death is the deadli-

Reflect spells and Drain Mana until he’s run dry, then take him out.
est thing in the game.
 N o x STRATEGY

I stun > Knock your enemy on its health and rejuvenate it with
for a loop. Then, give him one Greater Heal.
in the groceries. Attempt to keep a swarm of Pix-

I toxic cloud •> Poisons them, ies going at all times. They’re
and does tons of damage so excellent protection against enemy
long as they stand in it. Pop ’em Bombers and they’re an early

with a stun or slow first... warning device when enemies are

|
vampirism > When you deal near. If there are Wizards in the
damage, you get health back. game, keep Infravision on.

Bomber Traps:
TAP THE NOGGIN > SlOW Or Stun,
then fist of vengeance.
party time > Poison Gas, Pixie

Swarm, Stun or Slow.

spring cleaning •> Force of Nature

Stun. (Use in maps with small
Look ma - no hands! Two Ghosts to Stun, one Ember Demon to kill. rooms and halls.)

fist of vengeance •> Deadly Put poison in traps just for kicks -
Conjuror when combined with Stun. it doesn’t cost you much mana.
The Conjurer the CIA of A/ox. They ShOOtS an
B FORCE OF NATURE
is -

stay out of engagements unless extremely deadly ball of Defenses:

they’re forced to pull the trigger energy that bounces off walls. Keep Blink handy (Have it in the
themselves. Their sum- inversion same position on every spell set)

mon and enchant creatures

them to kill from
ability to

all over the map.

allows 0 you get
pixie swarm
> Spells targeting

their scripts flipped.

•> They follow

so you can leave quickly when
you’re about to die.
you until an enemy is near, Reverse directions on succes-
KEY SPELLS: then fly off to do a bit of damage. sive Blinks to thwart enemies fol-

H
have
bunk •> The get-your-ass-
out-of-there button. Always

ready.
They’re cheap and easy.

H poison •> The

on giving. When you get a
gift that keeps
lowing you

Golem
When
in
in your teleport wake.
you’re playing CTF, drop a
Guard mode next to the
Fort
it
Mr. Mechanical Golem makes
counterspell ••> All airborne chance, Poison enemies. Slow choke point and load
U spells around you are nullified. death is still a point for you.
flag or a

with enchantments. Keep an eye

it up mush of many Mages Knox

is

named

Warrior after

He’s a simple but effective meat-

grinder. He can’t cast spells, but Henry

his skills make spells unnecessary.

Knox,

BERSERKER CHARGE •> Chase

a
your enemy normally until

you have him boxed in a corner,

general

then make your charge.

in
war cry ••••> Learn to hit this

H by reflex when you’re begin-

ning combat, so you won’t be
Always gather items before
charging into close encounters.
the

pestered by nasty spells later. much wallop as the Hammer and American

harpoon ••> If you 'poon will block incoming spells when

them, they will come. Bring you stand still and face them like a
’em in and take ’em out. man. As a Warrior, hit Tread Lightly
before you are teleported to a trap. Revolution

Remember that War Cry coun- You won’t set it off if you land on it.

ters spells, including traps that you Also, War Cry will stun bombers.
and

have been teleported onto. Keep Also, if Obliteration is about to go

the
Eye of the Wolf going at all times if off, Berserker charge out of range.
there are Wizards in the game. The more you get a feel for the first

They are usually invisible and lurk- balance of the classes and the
ing. You can snipe by reeling a vic- weapons available to them, the secretary

tim to a window with the Harpoon more you’ll find yourself settling

and beating them senseless with into strategies that suit your style
of
the Hammer. of play. Remember, no matter how
war
The Great Sword is the most ver- you are killed, there is a counter to
satile weapon. It packs almost as it. Fight on!
 PCXL Fight Night
THE SIMS VS. FRIENDS
he moment it hit the shelves, The
Sims came out swinging and has
been conquering the sales charts
with astounding success ever since.
On the same ticket, hit TV show “Friends” has
done nothing but bust guts and force screams

of laughter out of its viewers, season after sea-

son. You’ve played the game, you’ve watched
the show — now it’s time to count the blows as
these two heavyweights go toe to toe in this,

your deathmatch arena of games and glory.

ROUND 1
Graphics
THE SIMS ••••> The Sims knows its stuff, giving a
gods-eye view of its little sims’ house, deliver-
ing attention to details like furniture, food, and

www.DaiiyRadar.com
interior decor. The crowd loves the showy dis-

play, but not being able to see the little boys

and girls get it on (or even get nekkid) is a tease
no one likes.

FRIENDS — There are more tits on display here recorded from ritual fraternity ass-slappings,
than there are in English Parliament. Courtney
ROUND 2 with the following screams of pain and humilia-
Cox, Jennifer Aniston, and Lisa Kudrow all tanta- tion edited out. This music is true subliminal evil
Yippee-kay-ya!

lize with outfits that show off their various tal-

Music at its very finest.
ents. Thousands of televisions get tongue-baths THE SIMS — It’s got lightweight tunes that
whenever this program is on. smooth out the essentially micromanagement- IN THE CORNERS — }• The Sims soothing music
oriented play. Hits like “Buy a Toilet” and “Play makes work seem like fun and that’s always
—
“Friends.”

IN THE CORNERS It’s a well-established rule Classical" are great, and if you don’t like it going to bring smiles to the crowd. The

of
that you need skin to win, and both sides strut it’ll play MP3 files right off the hard drive. “Friends” theme, originally invented by Dr. Men-
their stuff. Although we don’t get money shots gele to “subdue” crowds, needs to be indicted

episodes
from either, Friends’ skins never gets pixelly. FRIENDS —< One thing is dead certain, “I’ll Be as a crime against humanity.
There For You” is a tooth-shattering nerve
EDGE ••••:•
“Friends” wrecker. The four claps after each verse are EDGE — The Sims

upcoming
GRAPHICS |
SKINS WE WANT
We’d make these skins ourselves if we weren’t so damn
busy making this magazine. So now we must ask you,
several
our devoted, lifeless readers to help us out. These are
four skins that would be instant classics on any Quake
III server. Make these for us and your name will be leg-
in end. Maybe we’ll give you a copy of Recoi too.

appear
GARY COLEMAN
WHY HIM Damn if little people ain’t funny! As soon
as the miniature comedian appeared on a server there
will
would be riotous laughter
VOICE TAUNT •••’* “Watchyou talkin’ ’bout, Willis”
Willis

REGIS PHILBIN
WHY HIM •••$• Who doesn’t want a chance to shove a
Bruce rocket down his throat?
VOICE TAUNT •••£• “Is that your final rocket?”

that
SHAGGY
WHY HIM •••* He is the ultimate slacker, and proper
animation of his walk would be hilarious
rumored VOICE TAUNT •••* “Zoinks!”

CHRISTOPHER REEVES
is
WHY HIM •••£ Hell, they’ve already got him walking
It While the other three stare around in commercials. Putting him in a game wouldn’t
into space, you know who be that bad — would it? (Ok, maybe it would)
VOICE TAUNT “I feel nothing”
the gold-digger is here.
 0 ONLINE ARENA
ROUND 3 ONLINE NUISANCE
1

There comes a time when you become so good at a game that slaughter-
THE SIMS * Wendeva ing your opponents is no longer satisfying. At times like this, the only
peepoo tok indy sims ids option you have is to be really damn annoying.
hound slike gobbledegook
beakaws ovit, fechtyly. THE BLEEDING HEART - STARCRAFT
WHAT IT IS — Before the game starts, make sure you tell everyone
•>

FRIENDS — Despite it’s ren- new at the game and to take it easy on you. Make sure you
you’re
ovated “Three’s Company” remember the name of the
formula, we keep coming player that demonstrates
back for more of Phoebe’s the most sympathy. When
airhead observations, Chan- you go into the game, put
dler’s antsy neurosis, and ... your base into the most
lookit all those fine juggs! remote corner you can
locate, then build a rush

IN THE CORNERS -4 The When you look this good, does any- force while scouting for the
Sims’ goofy babblings kept one really care what you have to say? other players. Once you’ve
the crowd rolling, but eyes found at least two others
were riveted to the necklines of the “Friends.' (including the helpful per-
son from the pre-game chat), get your mobile base and a couple SCVs
EDGE — “Friends” and send them to the friendly person’s town. Give him a sob story of how
the other player attacked you right off and destroyed everything else.
ROUND 4 With luck, he’ll attack the other player when you tell him where he is.

When they start fighting, break your rush force into two groups and take
Relationships out both of their cities while their armies slaughter each other.
THE SIMS Kissing and hugging is ok, screwing is not. Bigamy and jug- WHY IT’S ANNOYING — People hate to be made into fools and to lose
gling is ok, same sex marriage is not. Getting naked with others is ok, games — you’ve just done both.
nudity is pixelled out. It’s a perfect trainer for Heaven’s Gate cultists.

THE IN-GAME STALKER - EVERQUEST

FRIENDS — Prime directive of “Friends” — do your own thing until your WHAT IT IS — > Pick the most attractive female skin you can locate. Then
friends say to stop, then immediately stop or face exile. Exception: You findsome male player that takes an interest in your character (it will hap-
may continue exercising free will for a short time, so long as it is funny. pen — EQ players are really sad). Immediately shout your eternal devo-
tion to this character and swear that you’ll never leave his side. From this

IN THE CORNERS •••* Lessons learned: The Sims — don’t let your wives point on, every time you log into the game, immediately shout his name
discover each other, don’t flirt with children, and if you want to get laid, in every zone. Beg him to come back to you, while saying you’re sorry.

don’t do it “virtually.” “Friends” — you too can be a neurotic basket case! When you do find him, start screaming at him for leaving you for another
woman and threaten to kill him. You can also bug him to give you gifts. Each

EDGE No clear winner. Keep whining and following him until he gives you something.
of
WHY IT’S ANNOYING •••)• Eventually he’ll either stop using that character
the
THE or move to another server. If you’re really lucky, the other players will
get so sick of your antics that they’ll get mad at the guy you’re stalking,

Winner is: thus making his sad existence that much more painful. “Friends”

Duh. Take a look at the picture below. Who cares about music and rela-

tionships? The real life babes of “Friends” kick the Sims’ pixilicious asses THE HUMAN SHIELD - UNREAL TOURNAMENT
any day. Tune in next month when “Sex in the City” takes on Sim City. WHAT IT IS — When you see someone winning, get fully armored
)• and
make

healthed up and follow him. Every time he starts shooting, jump in his at

line of fire to absorb the damage. You should have a macro set up to a least

key that says “I won’t let you die, take me instead!” After taking a few

hits, get out of the way before he can finish you off. By this time the

other guy he was chasing has either gotten away or has turned around $250,000

and is going to kill the guy you’re blocking. Whichever happens, your
mission is accomplished.
per
WHY IT’S ANNOYING — Showing complete disregard for winning really
pisses off people who have hissy fits if they don’t win.
episode

THE MILITARY EXPERT - ROGUE SPEAR

WHAT IT IS ••••> As soon as you start shooting people, immediately spout off
about how the weapons effects are wrong. Talk about the size of the exit

wounds, powder burns on dose-range shots, blood spray patterns, weapon

range, and accuracy. Eventually everyone will be so sick of you that they’ll
try to kill you. When they start nailing you, shout things like “You see?”
and “That’s exactly what meant!” I

WHY IT’S ANNOYING ••••> Eventually they’ll either completely ignore you
or leave the game, because no one likes a whining know-it-all.
93
 THE POWER METER

Local Man Doesn’t Want Note to PR Babes: Ass-kissing can

move your company up the scale for
one month and one month only.
More than ass-kissing = more than
a month. Nudge-nudge, know what

In Bo A Millionaire
I

mean, honey?
THIS LAST
MONTH MONTH
MICROSOFT-? MS has
“I’M GOOD, THANKS.” SAYS NON-MILLIONAIRE I I
lined up like editors at
hits

a free
lunch. Though some might be
pushed to late 2000, the line-

up is dominating.
ACTIVISION -? Elite Force
hough most of the A self-described 25 thousand-
may be the first decent Star
country (including aire, Greg Mott refuses to give up Trekgame in ages. Plus
videogame buyers his non-millionaire lifestyle, even there’s Soldier of Fortune,

apparently) is in a though most of his friends, family, Vampire, and Wolfenstein 3D.
HASBRO -* With huge mass
state of millionaire fever, after and business associates dream of 3 8 market sales, the question is,

extensive research, PCXL recently one day becoming millionaires. “It will RollerCoaster Tycoon
discovered a man whose answer really doesn’t interest me that ever crash?

to “Who Wants To Be A Million- much,” says Mott, “To be honest, I

MAXIS -•> With massive sales

of The Sims and Sim City

aire?” is simply, “Not me.” don’t think about it."
3000, there’s no doubt about
Mott realized he was different it: Maxis is back.
when his sister-in-law gave him EIDOS — * Getting closer to
the Who Wants To Be A Million-
5 IO realizing the potential of Ion

Storm, Eidos has winners

aire? CD-ROM game for his birth-
lined up for 2000 — then
day. “What’s this?” he asked. again, we said that in 1999.
Incredulous, she had to explain to BLIZZARD -? Release the
Mott that the game is based on a Reege’s final answer to Greg 6 3 f— king game already! We sin-
cerely believe that a family of
TV game show starring Regis Mott: “You’re an idiot.”
Ask monkeys on typewriters
Philbin in which contestants can could have come up with
to
win a million dollars by answering in shock right now, but we all still Diablo II by now.

Afraid
trivia questions. “Huh. Well, how love him.” SIERRA— Every month
brings TF2 closer and moves
’bout that.” he responded. While Mott is currently resistant
Sierra up the ladder. (The
Were
As news spread of Mott’s reluc- to becoming a millionaire, he giant tin of popcorn they sent
tance to become a millionaire, his admits that he is not necessarily us for Christmas didn’t hurt
But loved ones worry that his non-mil- opposed to marrying a millionaire, either. We’re still picking the
kernels out of our teeth.) You
lionaire leanings will make it diffi- but only if it means not having to
Sex can also expect Half-Life 2
cult for him later in life. “He might go on a TV show to do it. Ideally,
announcements soon.
not want to be a millionaire now, he’d like the millionaire to be WESTWOOD •••>•C&C
About
Greg Mott is currently listed as
Firestorm, Nox, and C&C
but we’re hoping it’s just a female, breathing, and without a
#158,673,054 on the Forbe’s list Renegade are upping the
phase,” says )im Mott, Greg’s track record of brutalizing his/her
Know of richest Americans.
brother. “Our parents are kind of spouse, too. ^ potential for the fallen ruler
of the RTS market.
to RED STORM -? Urban Opera-
9 7 tions should keep Rogue
Spear alive, but beyond Rain-
Wanted

bow Six, Red Storm has

shown us
RGGIS PHILBIN little.

THE FRENCH They

You
10 -
would’ve gotten the ninth
WHY HE SHOULD BE FRAGGED Well, Kathy “Cody took a really cute
spot but they surrendered.
shit today” Lee has announced she’s dumping him, so it looks like poor
Reege’s only gig will soon be “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” - the Stop buying U.S. companies
Everything
most successful game show in TV history. Even though only a handful or Jerry Lewis becomes a per-

manent guest!
of people have actually won the million, the result has been a slew
of garbage TV shows. “Greed,” “Quiz Show,” “Who Wants to Marry
flick a Millionaire,” etc., have burst from network bellies like alien face-
NOWHERE GT INTERACTIVE •••? GT killed
huggers. Every wannabe Cliff Clavin has had
IN SITE Cavedog but still has Duke
1972 his shot and now that the applicant pool has
reached the shallow end, only morons so dumb Every so often on our Nukem and Unreal 2 for the
website, we frag what- long term. Too bad the short
the
that they’ll use all three lifelines on the S100
ever the heck makes us term doesn’t look so hot.
question and still miss it are left to tread water.
in angry, and occasion-
ally we frag something
ACCLAIM -•> For the love of
HOW HE SHOULD BE FRAGGED Forced into a
just because needs
it
all things holy, please stop
appeared
life or death situation where he believes picking it. Find out what we
with the South Park games.
one door will free him and the other means certain fragged recently on
We’ve found nutty chunks in
death (or another two years co-hosting with Kathy www.pcxl.com. You’ll
— our stool more entertaining
Lee basically the same thing), we wait for his “final come for the frags, but
you’ll stay for the than these half-assed
Regis
answer.” Only we let the Quake Marine blow his ass
away no matter which door he chooses. Unfortunately for
CRAZY NEWS AND attempts at games.
THE BABES.
Reege, the Quake Marine is a “no-life line.”
 § $ # # $
3*3 • a * «
«

-TRA

NEWS BRIEFS
E3 2K Bigger Than Ever: Prostitute Shortage Feared
Satan Sneaks
It has been announced that this year’s E3 (Electronic Entertainment
Expo), was not only sold out record time, but will be the largest such

But an violence
in

event to date. As a result, the LAPA (Los Angeles Pimp Association) is

concerned that their current supply of ho’s may not be large enough to
fulfill demand. There are also worries that there may be significant drug MESSAGE TO LEGISLATORS:
shortages as well. One local peddler summed up the
“Normally we’s got enough crack, smack, and back to go around, but
situation, saying,
“GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK!”
there’s just too damn many horny honkies this time!” However, organiz-
ers are hoping to offset these shortages by supplying massive quantities defensive, yet undeni- developers, most notably Head
of alcohol

Bill
and booth babes —

Gates Launches Blitzkrieg At March GBC

a lesser quality but satisfying substitute.

A
his
ably evil,

ness took to Capitol

week to preserve
last

bad name in the wake of

Lord Of Dark-
Hill
Games and “anybody
releases buggy crap, generally
causing misery and distress,”
Satan refuted any responsibility
that

At GDC (Game Developer’s Conference) this past March, Bill Gates officially unsubstantiated charges that he is for violent video games. Admits
announced the “X-Box” to demonstrate “Microsoft’s ongoing commit- responsible for the influx of vio- The Beast: “Look, if I made a video
ment to the entertainment market.” Attendees report that Mr. Gates did lence in video games. Smelling of game, it would be the one you
appear, but instead announced that he “reviewed and improved” the brimstone, the deep crimson would least expect. Maybe some-
design of the PS2 for his new system — noting that it’s not stealing “unless Satan, (a.k.a. “Beelzebub”), spoke thing cute and innocent, that
I’m caught. And besides it worked great with Apple.” He also added that in front of a Senate committee to would slowly suck out your soul.

the competing consoles were “outdated technology which should be defend his record on the “whoop- In fact, maybe I’ve already made it

buried like a steaming heap of dog crap.” The system is said to initially be assing of America.” and haven’t told you.”

free with the purchase of Windows 2000 and should put all other compe- Getting off to a polite start by Satan went on to comment:
tition out of business — but it isn’t a monopoly. temporarily rescinding his policy “BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Strom
of “damning and ripping flesh Thurmond, youwill now dance for

THQ Luves Large, Muscular Men in Tights — from the bones of all mortals”
his presence, Satan was accompa-
in my amusement!”
Experts agree that the likelihood
nut that there is anything wrung with that nied only by his lawyer, Mr. Roy of Satan’s involvement in the gam-
Thanks in part to lots of large men Cohn (deceased) and live-in girl- ing industry is slim, as earlier

wearing spandex shorts while exert- friend, Tanya. reports of his influence in rock
ing themselves, THQ has announced “Hey Teddy ... Jesse ... good to music and the careers of David
record fourth quarter earnings. see you again,” said a surprisingly Spade and Jerry Springer are still

Their license and relationship with upbeat Prince Of Evil as he waived unproven. While games like Doom
the WWF has paid off big with H/WF to Senators Ted Kennedy and and Diablo are said to glorify

WrestleMania 2000. Seeking to dis- Jesse Helms, who squirmed Satan, he points out that he’s
cover how deep and meaningful this uncomfortably in their seats. But, always portrayed as a victim, get-
relationship is, PCXL decided to as questioning into Satan’s role in ting shot at or destroyed. Why, he
probe repeatedly and deeply into game industry began,
the video wonders, would he want to put out
some of the more sensitive areas at themood of the proceedings games show him as a wimp?
that
THQ. Not only are they planning became much darker, aggravated “And then there was that game
another WWF game, but a few by Satan’s constant habit of disin- Hell. Did you ever play that crap?
anonymous sources described some tegrating visiting members of the Seriously — Dennis Hopper? If I

admiration for the sweaty behe- public as he spoke. made a video game, I’d at least get
moths. “I love it when Mister Socko goes right down the throat, harder “Listen, fools! If I made video Tom Cruise or Leonardo DiCaprio.”
and harder and harder! Faster and faster until he explodes with power!” games, you’d know it!” Satan Laughing and twitching his nose
Also overheard: “The Rock really lives up to his name!” With a relation- insisted. While he stated that he mischeviously, Satan added, “Or
ship like this, you can be sure that THQ will never leave the WWF behind. admires the work of many game would I?” ^
Belated?
While looking through newspapers, the PCXL staff noticed interesting
coincidences between these events and our co-workers...

Estrogen not effective treatment for Alzheimer’s

— Chuck Osborn’s breasts noticeably larger; he still forgets things

Fox cans “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire”

— Matt Holmes has stopped dressing like a woman

US. agents bust Ecstasy ring

— Mike Salmon ecstatic over large busts
 GameScanCAMP
We at PCXL have
GAMING BOOT
recently discovered that
The Heat-O-Meter
some of our readers are in the military (or at THE TINSELTOWN EDITION
least part of a militant group of some kind).
So,we asked a real drill sergeant what he I*— MASSIVELY MONOLITH •••£ Lithtech is going the massively multiplayer route by
thought of some upcoming games. O introducing a new 3D engine specifically for creating persistent online worlds. FOX
X Interactive has already licensed the engine for an unspecified project, which, hope-

^
••
fully doesn’t mean Party Of Five Million is around the corner.

I— SIMS ON TOP •••$ The Sims blasted past Who Wants To Be A Millionaire to take the
’ll top spot or the PC Data sales lists in February. A cranky Regis was forced to show
X designer Will Wright his first check for $32,000.

ATI SMELLS FISHY '} ATI Technologies, king of OEM pack-in graphics cards,
recently acquired ArtX, creators of the upcoming Nintendo Dolphin graphics chip,
for a whopping $400 million. Gee, couldn’t you have just waited a year and
fellas,
paid $300 like the rest of us?

RESURRECTION
Developer Mind Control i~*i CAVEDOG PUT DOWN •••>• Total Annihilation developer Cavedog has been shut
Publisher TBA
_l down by pimp daddy GT Interactive, due to low sales in 1999. Too bad GT doesn’t
O
•••$•

also publish Garth Brooks’ albums.

Release Date •••£ Not available
CJ
Game Info •••> Resurrection boasts j. WHEN BAD LICENSES ATTACK — Activision and Viacom have announced that a PC
)•

simple controls and complex strat- T ' game based on the TV show “Entertainment Tonight” will be coming out later this
h"• year. Since “ET” has absolutely no elements that could conceivably be turned into a
egy. You choose a leader, then
'"C game smash hit Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ?), rumor
(unlike that other TV-to-PC
head to the 3D battlefield, strategi-
X has it that the entire game will consist of players guessing how many times Mary
cally building outposts that can be Hart can say “Puff Daddy” in one sitting.
upgraded into fortresses.
BORING MERGERS •••;> Advanced Interactive Systems, maker of professional simu-
Sarge Sez •••!<• “A weak mind is use-
lation environments for law enforcement, announced their intention to buy Zombie,
less! It’s like giving your enemy a
developers of the Spec Ops series. Zombie president Mark Long called the acquisi-
bayonet, placing it up your ass, and tion “exciting.” We, however, have yet to find anybody who gives a rat’s ass.
pleading, 'Kick this as hard as you
INACTION FIGURES - 5 Toy Vault is set to release a line of Everquest action figures.
-

can, Sir!!!”’
IQ Not so coincidentally, EB is enlarging the size of their bargain bins.
200

HASBRO GETS TOUGH — j- Claiming copyright infringement, Hasbro has filed suit

The against a plethora of game companies for making copycat versions of old
games
Pac-Man (reborn as MacMan ) and Asteroids (back as HemiRoids). When it
like

With comes to copycatting old games, Hasbro doesn’t need the competition.

Kid

The WHAT THE HELL?

and

Kid
EUOLUA
The Developer

Publisher

Release Date
•••£
Computer Artworks
Interplay

•••$• Early 2000

Gary Coleman Shillin
Jimmy

Game Info •••'? Far in the future,

•••••)•

after developing genetic engineer- We recently received a postcard hold up a liquor store." The Cole- UGOdirect.com," probably
ing into an art form, humanity is from UGOdirect.com advertising meister is dubiously quoted as because of UGO’s peculiarly apt
credits

challenged by an interplanetary their voluminous selection of saying, “I buy all my video motto, “More Games For Less"
parasite that consumes and trans- inexpensive “video games, con- games at ... and of alt the Hollywood
“Kid” forms entire worlds. In this shooter, soles, and accessories." Fair talents we can think of,
you lead a team of soldiers that enough. But what Gary's is definitely less.

have the ability to absorb their ene- realty caught our Stilt, sometimes less is
Coleman
mies and gain their abilities. After attention was the more and while we ridicule

facing down the parasite and its larger-than-life (but Gary, the tiny humanitarian
legions you battle other players on smaller than the rest of in us reaches out to this
Gary ^
the Internet. us) leering visage of for- tiny human. Who knows,
^
Other
Sarge Sez “American soldiers mer Arnold Drummond, it could be one of us
do not need to be improved! They Mr. “Kid With The Broken going down the dignity
are absolutely perfect fighting Halo” himself, Gary Cole- waterslide in the future.
machines! Are you suggesting oth- man, reaching out to us, as 1— fr* CT See page 102 to get the

erwise, you disloyal little prick? You if to say “Please buy some- lowdown on our
are officially on latrine duty for the thing or I might be forced to charitable work.
rest of your life!"
 >£2? K-TRA

WOMEN WE LOVE TO PLAY GameScanCAMP GAMING BOOT

•••V So how in the hell did PCXL man-

age to get a “real” star onto our cover

and what the hell does she have to do

with Tribes 2? Glad you asked. Seems
that between Playboy photoshoots and

saving lives on “Baywatch,” Donna went

and got married to Nikki Sixx, bass

player for Motley Criie. The music in

: Tribes 2 is going to be provided by Mot- KINGDOM UNDER FIRE

Developer Phantagram
lley Criie. And Donna looked a helluva lot
Publisher -4 SOD Games
'
better in spandex than Nikki did.
Release Date Faff 2000
Game Info -4 While this game has
some similarities to the Waircmft
series, the biggest difference is that

you alternate RTS missions with

Dktbto4\ke adventure levels* gain-

ing new magic spells and armor

that can be brought back into RTS
combat The mixing of these two
genres is really exciting.

Sarge Sea? -4 “A real soldier must

be prepared to fight the enemy face

to face, AMD to take command of
operations. If you are not prepared
Another

to send your men into certain

1

death* you will be defeated !"

fake

ad

you

! i
won’t

be

seeing

SOLDIER OF FORTUNE anytime

Developer -4 Raven Software

-

Publisher Activision

Release Date -4 Spring 2000 soon

Game Mb -4 You can never have

•••••)

too many good first-person splat-

tests. You're a mere lured by the

Soldier

US. government to track down four

nukes stolen by terrorists white
Of
handing out generous port-tens of

whup-ass. With 12 weapons, multi-

Misfortune

ple deathmateh options, and “gore

zones* on the models, the preview

version already getting plenty of

OTHER WOMEN YOU’LL NEVER DATE is

play around here. starring

WHY YOU WHY YOU WHY YOU Sarge Sez “Mow here is duty
CAN’T HAVE CAN’T HAVE CAN’T HAVE CAN’T HAVE
HER You’ve HER She’s HER •••:> She’s HER •••:> She worthy of the military personnel of
John
never been in a dead and it a he -but, hey, married John the U.S. of AJ A suicide mission
a heavy metal doesn’t look nobody’s per-
against, superior forces in posses-
band, nor do like she’s fect, right? aliens have
you have a gonna get any surely sion erf a weapon of mass destruc- McCain

penis longer better replaced her

tions Ifs a pity all we've got are- a
than a baby’s
MARILYN MONROC RUPAUL
mind with
sea cucumber
a
bunch of worthless pukes like you [
to accept itr
 A MOMENT WITH GIA DECARLO
GameScanCAMP GAMING BOOT

Get a Sim LI
TIPS FOR MAKING THE SIM WITH TWO BACKS
The guys have spent an inordinate Talk, Talk, Joke, Talk, Joke, Compli- that “hard.” Perform the following
amount of time playing The Sims ment, Flirt, Talk, Hug, Entertain, and you’ll be ready for some
this month, and since they were Flirt, Tickle, Hug, Give Back Rub, same-sex lovin’: Talk, Talk, Joke,

ignoring me (something I simply and Kiss. Entertain, Talk, Talk, Entertain,

don’t tolerate), I decided to give it REAL-LIFE Since most of you Talk, Hug, Give Back Rub, Talk,
SIMON THE SORCERER a try as well. While the guys may are men, this is pretty near impos- Flirt, Kiss.

30 be gaming experts, their knowl- sible. However, for the ladies of REAL-LIFE -j- If this is your kinda
Developer ~4 Headfirst Productions edge of love and social interaction PCXL (and know who both I of you thing (and there isn’t anything
Punisher —f Southpeak Interactive is seriously lacking. That’s where are!) I’ve come up with a wrong with you if it is) then make
Release Date —> Qi 2000 I come in. I’m strategy. Call over the sure you go to a place full of like-
Game Info —£ Unlike previous incar- going to give potential lover and minded guys. While there’s a t-in-

nations of Simon, this first-person you the best encourage her hus- 10 chance that one of your bud-
adventure features a 3D environ- tips for your band to come into the dies at the gym might reciprocate.
ment and characters. Gameplay wilt Sim love life room with you (there There’s a 9-in-io chance you could
be familiar to veterans of the first and then isn’t a guy in the world get the crap beat out of you.
two, the primary difference being demonstrate how who wouldn’t love to have
free movement. Incorporating multi- they can be applied a little three-way — he’ll Makiai Babies
ple paths and endings. Headfirst has to your real life. It’s definitely help). Now do the SIMS Leave the toilet seat
listened to fans of the series who proof that some things can following: Talk, Giggle, Touch, down, kiss and
want more replayability. be learned from games, kinda. Drink, Drink, Drink, Kiss, Lick, hug a lot and
Sarge Sez -4 “No blood? No slaugh- Bite, Grab toys. she’ll eventu-
ter? No large scale massacres? What lit Lesliai Action ally want a
has)
the hell’s the point? Can't send boys SIMS Surprisingly easy to baby
else to do a man’s job.” accomplish and believe it or not,
TfeeLncTkat Bare REAL-LIFE
potential lick partners don’t all Nit Speak Its Nine Leave the toilet
one
look like Ellen DeGeneres. Call SIMS ••••:•
All Sims seem to be sex- seat down, kiss
(No over the potential lover and take ually ambivalent (even the married and hug a lot and
her into a separate room from her ones), so if your boy toy wants to she’ll eventually
once
husband. Now do the following: “hang” with the guys then it isn’t demand a baby. 3^
heard

Mike

sex
BLACK S IJHITE
for Developer

Publisher -4 EA
Lionhead Studios
outh Park
euphimism
Release Date

Game Info -*4 Black &

Q2 2000
White
WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO?
promises to be one of the best games (Sung to the song “What Would MATT •••)• When Brian Boitano to stop torturing everyone
a of the year. In the role of an all-pow- Brian Boitano Do?” from South drove his Volvo MIKE For our readers, I’ll kick
is
erful sorcerer (or god), you can Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut) Dragging the CD-ROM the game’s ass, too
destroy or protect the peaceful world He jumped two gorges and a ’Cause that’s what Brian Boitano
backs”

of Eden with giant monsters and pow- canyon, too would do!
erful spells. However, your might Like the Duke Boys at the prom CHUCK — * And when Brian Boi-
two
depends on the worship of your fol- tano gets his own game
with lowers, as does that of your enemies. CHUCK — When j> Brian Boitano We’ll probably give it a pass
Sarge Sez “Looks like another was in Amsterdam ALL •••)• ‘Cause a Brian Boitano
beast
worthless f— kin’ UN peacekeeping Fighting off ugly skanks skating game would be boo-ty!
mission! Bunch of psychotic megalo- He just held up South Park Rally So let’s get all the
the
maniac dictators tryin’ ta kick the liv- MIKE — What would Brian Boi- And let it join their ranks readers together
ing shit out of each other. Then you tano do OUR PC i want this game out And unite to stop this slop
Making
gotta bunch of dumb-ass civies sit- if Rally was here right now? of me ... And we’ll have a Guinness and
ting in the middle that are too stupid He’d destroy the disc and give it It’s graphics and control are Black Star, too
to get outta the way and WE gotta its due, quite shitty ’Cause that’s what Brian Boitano
protect 'em!” That’s what Brian Boitano’d do! MATT And i just want Acclaim would do!
 .AND GOOD RIDDANCE
GameScanCAMP GAMING BOOT

What happens to PCXL editors “the good ol’ days” of DOS.

when they’re no longer “down with Rob was
just as quickly, BOB mu
the kidz,” too old to know Limp away by PC Gamer (the retirement
Bizkit from limp Bisquick, and too home for game editors) to become
cranky to put up with the “fresh its new Editor-In-Chief. While Rob Gamer’s Coconut Monkey
GIANTS:
thinking” ways of Mike Salmon? is in the process of growing a to be replaced by
CITIZEN KABUTO
Why, they join PC Gamer, of course! beard and filling out his belly, Jennifer Love Hewitt
Developer •••$• Planet Moon Studios
Seeing the early warning signs, we’re happy to announce the
Publisher •••*• Interplay
the PCXL staff decided that it was arrival of our new Executive Edi- Suddenly Rob becomes
Release Date — •> Fall 2000
“for the best” to put Executive tor, Jason Samuel, who will be “the funny one”
Game Info Blowing up alien
Editor Rob Smith out to pasture. trained to spout British jibberish,
sheep, enslaving locals, and killing
There, he had room to frolic with sing the praises of Daikatana, and Drones on with boring
everyone else ... that pretty much
other used-up industry legends take hits off the crackpipe. industry stories a whopping
describes the action/adventure
like Johnny Wilson, Gary Whitta, But seriously, congratulations 78% less than previous EIC
game Giants. You can play the part
Nolan Bushnell, and John Romero, Rob — we’re proud of you. Now,
of a society of naked, magic-wield-
engaging in exciting cud-chewing lay off the PC Exaggerator jokes All flight sim articles will
contests and reminiscing about (and the crack) witlya? be written while drunk
ing women, a group
advanced aliens

giant
in

monster with a “mouth cam.”

of highly

body armor, or a |
Sarge Sez -j- “Naked women
prancing around the countryside
u
and a bunch of freaks in armor

whose asses can I kick when I get

Rob
bored ... God bless America!”

valiantly

tried

Once again, the hard-hitting, the world-renowned Madame EB •••$• Sheesh, who knows on that
always-questing PCXL P.l. hits the LaChante at 1-900-PSYCHIC to tap one. That one is even worse than to

phone lines to get you all the truth into the ether. Here are our tran- Diablo II ... “anytime” is what I
stop

you can possibly handle. The mis- scripts of these absolutely true (we heard. You ever played Half-Life ?
us
sion: Discover the actual release swear) conversations. We’ve got copies of that ...

dates of some of the most antici- PSYCHIC — Who’s supposed to from

pated games in development. The Question 1 die? I don’t see no one dyin’ in IRON STRATEGB
means: A two-fold path leading to WHEN DO YOU THINK DIABLO II your future, but your girlfriend is Developer ••••> Nikita

enlightenment. First, we talk to an WILL BE RELEASED? cheatin’ on you. And it’s with your Publisher ••••> TBA depicting

EB clerk at the local mall. Working EB — j- Well, that could come out best friend! Release Date •••>• March 2000

in the fast-paced world of con- anytime (gum-popping sound), Game Info •••>* If you like big tanks,
him

sumer fulfillment, these helpful but you know it’s like, been sup- Question 3 giant robots, and alien dinosaurs,
as
and resourceful wage slaves surely posed to come out for quite some YOU EVER HEARD Of AMEN? you’ll like Iron Strategy. As a
a
know all the ins and outs of the time. Who knows? I think you can KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT prospector representing one of sev-
cow

computer industry. Then, we called pre-order it online to save $5 and COMING OUT? eral spacefaring races, your job is

get the special “Gold” edition. EB — I never heard of it — we to claim planets for your govern-
•>
—

PSYCHIC - 5 Oh - Lordy! The Devil don’t carry a lot of religious ment and kick trespassers’ asses.
We
tain’t never gonna be released games. Might be in the discount Like Warcraft, you expand your
just
child, ’cept when Jesus will be box over there. Requiem is there ... base and build up your troops. But

back to throw him in da pit of fire. it was kinda religious. unlike Warcraft, you can design

PCXL — (Nervously) Is that any- PSYCHIC — ’Course I heard of your warbots by mixing and match-
tipped

time soon? Amen, say it when I’m

every night ing parts to your liking.
him
PSYCHIC — •> I jus’ don’ know child, goin’ to sleep and when wake up. I Sarge Sez •••!* “Big deal! Only

jus’ don’ know (sounds sad). Gots to say “amen” iPn you want chicken shit mother f— kers fight over

the lord on your side. Better say from inside tanks! Real men join the

Question 2 yo amens cuz I see trouble with a infantry where they don’t have sev-

DAIKATANA, DO YOU REALLY bald man dat wears lipstick at eral inches of steel plate to hide

THINK IT WILL EVER COME OUT? your work in yo future. behind, and face their enemies like

men should!”
 GimeScanCAMP GAMING BOOT
Howlo
Survive Anything
... WITHOUT HAVING TO?AT A BRAZILIAN

SOCCER TEAM
THE DREAMLAND
CHRONICLES:
FREEDOM RIDGE
Developer •••$• Mythos Games
Man Survives Four Wretched
Publisher •••$> Bethesda Softworks Weeks of Isolation
Release Date •••Si’ Q4 2000 In a harrowing tale of man vs. nature, Atlanta resi-

Game Info Aliens have all but dent Aaron Loob, 29, survived four weeks of isola-
wiped out Earth’s defenders. The tion in his room at his parents’ house. Existing on an
few remaining military forces have almost inexhaustible supply of Coca-Cola and paint
united, hoping that alien technology chips, this job-challenged (read: unemployed) indi-

1 they have acquired

to defeat the invaders.

wilt allow them vidual left only to use the bathroom, and “certainly
wasn’t looking for a f— king job” father John Loeb
gained during his Boy
Sarge Sez •••$•
“Damn aliens make commented. Using skills

me puke! If those bastards think Scout days, Aaron was able to cook roaches and

I they can beat the U.S. of A., bring

’em on! I will personally rip their

ants on his 3D card, play hours of
whittle
Quake
soap dolls of Abe Vigoda. As you can see
III, and

wangs off, shove ’em down their from the before and after pictures, Aaron is going to
butt throats, and plant my marine corps pull through — barely. Knowing such an event could How to Survive a Shark Attack
issue boots up their alien asses!" challenge any PCXL reader at any given time, we’ve Next time a shark bursts into your room while you’re

trout’s
put together a group of survival tips for different sit- playing Unreal Tournament, your best defense is a
uations that might just arise. good offense. Hit the shark in the gills or eyes with
a
anything in your possession, such as a keyboard,
as
Abe Vigoda* soap carvings, or your fists. Apparently
ugly
sharks are the coyotes of the sea — fight back and
as they run.
is
*lt is a well-known fact
face that either soapy water

his
or the sight of Abe
Vigoda can be an

because
PANTS RAIDER: FROM extremely painful experi-
HERE TO IMMATURITY! ence when introduced to

Developer •••> Hypnotix, Inc. the eye — doubly so if

mostly Publisher -4 Simon & Schuster it’s a shark’s eye. So if
If Abe in drag (Fish-
Interactive you get attacked, just
net?) doesn’t scare a
Release Date May 2000 imagine what Abe-On-A-
Miller,” shark, nothing will.
Game Info •**$• You’d think this was Rope can do.

a parody of the Tomb Raider series,

“Barney
but it’s more ... or less. As the press How to Escape from Quicksand
u
release says: Panty Raider takes Hazard! The half-drunk Mountain Dew cans, beers,

on
gamers to Model Isle for a super- and ... uhh ... tissues you’ve left on the floor have
model photo shoot. The player is now gained a liquified state. One night as you stum-
Fish

on a mission to photograph specific ble away from your computer you start to sink into

styles and colors of panties to sat- this domestic quicksand. The trick here is to act like
played

isfy three testosterone-driven a cheap whore pulling a train in Tijuana. Do your

teenage aliens and keep them from best to move onto your back with your arms and
Vigoda blowing up the Earth.’’ legs spread out. The faster you try to escape, the
Sarge Sez •«£ “Maggots, VD is the more difficult it will be to get out, so try to move as
Abe scourge of the fightin’ man. When slowly as possible. Then slowly use your arms to
you’re out in the field ... if you know propel yourself to your bed or dry ground, if you can
what meanI ... always keep that stand the shame of behaving like a cheap whore to

rascal wrapped so you’re not save yourself. Discount harlot!

pissin’ fire in the morning.*’
 'TJjj X-TRA

Wait, is
defense, go for the eyes and nose of the alligator
and if you win you can fashion some stylish boots
GameSEanCAMP GAMING BOOT
this porn
and belts. If you lose, then it really doesn’t matter
or bait?
what the hell you’re wearing, now does it?

CODENAME: EAGLE
Developer Refraction Games
Howto Escape From a Sinking Car Publisher — > Take 2 Interactive
While on your way to the local grocery, porn, and Release Date -4 Feb. 2000
bait store, you think about the latest joke from PCXL Game Info — Set between the two

and laugh uncontrollably, only to swerve off the world wars, this first-person

road into a dike (as opposed to swerving into a dyke

How to Sorvive a Gunfight
shooter has you fighting the Rus-

... they don’t much care for that.). [without a gun] sians with a standard variety of

As soon as you hit the water, roll down your win- While standing in a long-ass tine at the post office, weapons. However, you can also

dow. If you can’t roll it down, break it. Use your foot, some freak pulls out a glock and goes Postal (but hop behind the wheel of a truck or

The Club™, or anything in the car to break that win- with nicer graphics). jump on a motorcycle and squish
dow. The sooner the pressure between the outside Obviously your best method is to increase the dis- your enemies under your tires.

of the car and the inside equalizes, the sooner you tance between you and the gun, because as it turns There are still a number of bugs,
can open the door and get the hell out of that sinking out most real life gunmen have far worse accuracy but they’re being patched since the

deathtrap. If you can’t get the door open or break the

window, you’re going to have to ride it out and wait
than their Quake brethren and most of ’em don’t
have rocket launchers (thankfully). Don’t run in a
game
Sarge Sez
is already out

•->• “Finally!
in Europe.

Something
1
until the car is completely filled with water and then straight line, zigzag back and forth. If the gunman to train our boys to kick some com-
open the door. Or wait until you’re completely filled has a rifle, try to get around the closest corner of a mie ass! I’m gonna kill me a com-

with water and then ... oh, never mind ... building. If you aren’t the main target you’ve got mie for my mommy!”
some choices, hang tight and stay down or run for it.

Now if the guy is shooting everyone you might as

well run, but if he is selectively shooting folks and Believe

you aren’t on his list, stay down. And unlike video

games, hopping up and down is a sure way of show- it
or
ing up in a body bag on the evening news.
not,

Survival Tips - Gamers Beware!

Crocodile

While games are a perfect simulator to try out your

new survival skills, don't count on using knowledge ECHELON
you’ve gained from games to help you in the real Developer ••••>
Buka Entertainment
Dundee

world. Many game behaviors are less than effective Publisher -4 Bethesda Softworks

in real life. Release Date - 5 Q3 2000

- 3
is
How to Wrestle an Alligator Game info •••>• Formerly titled
in
Unbeknownst to you, an entire family of gators has ROCKET-JUMPING Storm, Echelon is one of those
the

begun to inhabit the floor of your room. The biggest In Quake III rocket-jumping can send you high into “Hey, you got your Wing Comman-
predator in the bunch is the wily albino bong water the air to escape enemy fire. In real life, you try that der and Tribes in my Mech Warrior" works.

gator. Even though alligator induced deaths are shit and the only thing jumping is going to be the game blends combining flight mis-

pretty rare in the U.S., we hear most attacks do hap- value of your life insurance claim. sions with ground battles as you
Good

pen to unsuspecting play a member of an elite fighting

gamers in the privacy of ATTACKING WILD ANIMALS FOR GOLD COINS force facing a revolution on a colo- God,

their own homes. It turns out that most wild animals don’t have a nial outpost. Several selectable

Ifyouareon land, try change purse full of gold. So trying to knife-fight a fighter craft, ranging from plane,
noooo

to get on the alligator’s lion is just plain stupid. helicopter, and futuristic hover-
.

back and push down on crafts, round out this action game.

its neck. If you can, try a ASKING QUESTIONS OF EVERYONE YOU MEET Sarge Sez •••>• “Whether it’s by sea,

bit of peek-a-boo by Unlike most RPGs, you aren’t carrying a sword or land, or air, you ugly-ass monkey

covering its eyes, this walking around with a party, so asking every farts are hereby ordered to rain
OK, which one of
may make them more stranger you meet endless questions wilt probably down death and destruction on
these monsters is the
relaxed. Once again a end with an ass-whipping. In real life, people aren’t revolting colonists, live free or DIE
bigger threat?
good offense is a good very friendly unless they are high on drugs. ... as long as you live by my rules!”
5

H-TRA£2?

Drive ^un _
HELPING OUT THE NEEDY ONE GAME AT A TIME
While some might read PCXL and think we’re a bunch of cold-hearted women chasing bastards, welt ... they’d
wlth
Mags
usually be right. But having amassed large quantities of ass games over the years, our legendary “Hall Of Ass” Did you ever wonder what would
overflowing into any available box (known as “Boxes Of Ass”), not even our monthly contests can keep our happen if the editors of PCXL had
offices totally Recoil- free. Then we realized that we’re sitting on a potential fortune — Electronics Boutique and a chance to work at a woman’s
other software stores across the country buy back used games! Now, it wouldn’t be ethical for us to profit like magazine? Well, wonder no
this, but how about our fellow man, or fellow bum as the case may be? Well, that’s another story ...
longer. Simply take these next two
pages, cut them out, and slyly
insert them in your wife/girl-
friend/sister/mom’s (nevermind
Who needs a home? the mom thing, that’s gross) copy
Have a game! of Cosmo. Now sit back and reap
If you’ve ever been stopped by a the rewards that only a PCXL
scruffy, disheveled man asking for reader deserves. Take pictures of

money (who wasn’t a politician), anything related to this fiasco and

then you know the disturbing we’ll hook you up with a free sub-

effect of homelessness on our scription (to PCXL, not Cosmo, you

country — namely, that strident little sissy).

urine smell. Like you, we’re hesi-

tant to give money, because it THIS MONTH
might go to buy liquor, crack, or a Cosmopolitan
“Why Lie? I need beer!” sign. Give To sabo-
the guy a copy of Y2K: The Game tageCosmo with advice
instead, and sleep easier knowing make our lives easier
that’ll

that it’s really hard to make a always asking for money, espe- SAMPLE CONVERSATION: POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS •

crackpipe out of a CD-ROM. cially big churches — the ones so GEORGE W. (LAST NAME WITH- Mindless drones that actually
big that they don’t even have a HELD TO PROTECT ANONYMITY) read Cosmo wilt believe our
article

church, but a TV network. So, the 4 Ah’m soooo honored that advice ... wait, that’d be good.

next time you see a donation plate you’d consider contributin’ to mah Never mind.
this

or a lady with blue hair pleads for little campaign.

of
a “love pledge,” give the old bag a YOU — >• Thanks. That’s why I’m

copy of Deer Hunt Challenge. sending you a copy of Tomb

writing

Raider: The Last Revelation. Oh,

SAMPLE CONVERSATION: and a copy of X-Games Pro
the
PLEDGE BANK Hello, are you
-i- Boarder... I know how you enjoy
in
calling with an offering of hope? the powder.

faces)
YOU — * Absolutely! But I should GEORGE W. -4 Uhh ... Daddy?
add that it’s more of an “offering
their of Deer Hunt Challenge.”
PLEDGE BANK -4 Huh? A Package For Gary
(to
SAMPLE CONVERSATION: YOU — No need to thank me. It’s As you read on p. 96, Gary Cole-
HOBO — Hey, buddy, can you
)• my duty as a white, heterosexual man needs our help. He’s been
insulted
help me out with a dollar? Christian soldier, ma’am ... screwed out of millions by his par-

YOU — * No, but here, have this ents, living as a washed-up actor,

were
copy of Y2K: The Game. barely living as a washed-up secu-
HOBO •••)• I want money, you Block The Vote rity guard, and now, pimping him-
damned [unintelligible]! With presidential elections getting self out on the Internet. Hasn’t
YOU This is better! Just take it closer, candidates are begging for Gary Coleman given enough?
conservatives

to Electronics Boutique and trade more cash to get elected than To reward the years of pleasure
it in for cash. they’ll earn in all four years as that Gary’s given us, we sent him
HOBO [pees on self] president. As our current Com- an “offering of hope.” Each and
or
mander In Cheeks ... err ... Chief every copy of Splatterball, Pando-
put it, we feel their pain. But PCXL ra’s Box, and Starfleet Academy
hobos

is part of a huge conglomerate and Expansion Pack: Chekhov’s Lost

No PGXI-style we have to contribute “soft Missions was lovingly hand-
Apparently, churches do all sorts money” to make everything seem selected by our staff for Gary’s
of things for the needy, like feed- all nice and legal-like. Luckily, enjoyment and sent to Gary in care
ing the hungry and ministering to there’s nothing softer than the of UGOdirect. As for us, there’s no

young naked boys ... you know, fleshy mounds in Tomb Raider: need for thanks — it’s the lit-

charitable stuff. That’s why they’re The Last Revelation. tle things that mean the most.
 guy spy
Male Mind
Reading
We asked 100 guys
what they'd think if

they caught their

girlfriend orally
pleasuring their sister.

19 % 35 % 46%
said my girl- said whatever said "eew" and
friend and my floats her boat, got really
sister are pretty man, as long as uncomfortable
much the same Idon't have to
person (all of touch my sister
these men were — she has
from the "Deep cooties
South")

his dating behavior decoded

Check out the l-think-you're-sexy subtleties that a man just can't hide.

"Check out his lips — is he pressing them against yours exces-

sively?" asks Martin Lloyd-Clueless, author of Not So Secret
Crush Secrets of Sexual Body Language (Useless Press, 1996). When
Clue 1 aroused, a man's kisser becomes sensitive and he usually
attempts to stick his tongue down your throat.

Double Standards: Does he constantly make comments like, "You wanna do it" or

Why they9
re so cool Crush
Clue 2
"Nice rack baby"? According to exhaustive research done by
Lloyd-Clueless, comments like this indicate a guy is interested in

Unless you have a history of being irrationally jealous you for more than your stunning conversational skills.
(like ail women!, chances are your suspicions are well-

man is probably boinking every girl Zoom in on his package. Is it bulging? If a man spots eye-pleasing
founded, and your Crush prey, his animal instincts kick in and he gets "wood." The better to
who looks at him. But what's so wrong with that?
Clue 3 stick you with, my dear.
According to Weiskopffernuegun (author of There's
Dr.
Nothing Wrong With Being His Bitch), "It is quite normal You're in a bar, it's closing time and you are the only girl in a 40-
and healthy for men to lust after every woman they foot radius. According to Dr. Wylie (author of The Complete Idiot's
meet. If you place restrictions like monogamy on your
Crush Guide to Idiots), "At this time every man in that bar wants you, no
man, then he will just eventually resent you." However Clue 4 matter how disgustingly fat and ugly you may be." So pick your
this doesn't mean you can go around and have sex with mate and ... uhh ... mate.

every man you meet — that is just wrong. There are also
Has he ever bought you anything? A drink, a salad ... it doesn't
great advantages to a philandering mate. He rarely
really matter. Wylie states, "Men have a close association
demands sex and he feels extreme guilt. Take advantage Crush between their wallets and their penises, and they wouldn't spend a
of his guilt to land expensive jewelry without having to
Clue 5 dime on you unless they thought gave them a better chance
put out — the best of both worlds. getting laid."
it at

Men have a dose association between their wallets and their penises.”
— The Complete Idiot's Guide to Idiots

MAY 2000 COSHMOPOLITAN 103

 .

why don’t you. .

...grab
him a
beer!
Why? Why the hell not?
He's thirsty and the
lovely collection of hops
and barley is just what he
wants. For variation on
this winning tip, you can
also bring him several
beers, bring him beers
...look the buff, and make him
in

like some food to go with the

this? beer. Get to it.

Face facts: If

you don't look

like this, then
you are ugly.

...wake him up with

a hummer
Not only will it make your man happy, which is

always important, but scientists have also proven

that a man's . . . uhh . . . man milk makes for a tasty,
low-calorie, fat-burning, life-enriching treat. New
studies have shown that frequent felatio actually
reduces your chance of cancer, gets rid of

unwanted cellulite, eliminates the need for periods,

and lessens cravings for chocolate. Isn't it time you
started going down?

...shut
the hell ...realize
up! that
Silence is golden and bigger
no, he doesn't want to is better
hear about your day at
That skinny no-boob
work (unless, of
Kate Moss look is so
course, it involves hot
five minutes ago.
woman-on-woman
Sporting anything
sex), your problems, or
smaller than a 44 DD
any of that other trivial
bra size is an insult to
shit. Shut it already!
the women who pio-

neered much-needed
breast augmentation
What men hear
"Blah, blah. research. Besides,
guys love big ta-tas ...

and maybe you will too

if given half a chance.
104 COSHMOPOLITAN MAY 2000
 FEEDBACK [email protected]

l 1

Due to the craptacular possibili- Matt, seeing as you are all stu-
•••* Another month and yet another batch of insane rants, wrongful
ties of a witty retort, we’ve dents of physics, this should be a
claims, misguided souls, and as many pictures of hot girls as we could
decided to let the readers choose pretty simple solution. Remember
possibly fit onto two pages. These are YOUR pages, so if you don’t like
their own response ... Newton and his crazy laws of grav-
’em then it’s your own damn fault. Send all your amusing tales and sto-
ity? Well, apply them to this case
ries of worship to [email protected] .
No shit! and come up with your own
We’re sorry you had to go hypothesis. Good Luck!
INCITING WAR so commenting on the overall through so much crap to enjoy
All right, SCREW the PC Gamer crapness of Incite, the sleep- PCXL, but glad to hear you got ITS ROMERO S FAULT
vs. PC Accelerator debate, THEY inducing CGW, the phenomenally it “in the end” I have never written to a maga-
are not the enemy. Let me tell you average Computer Games, or At least you have to apply the zine before but when saw I a glar-
the true foe. Have you SEEN even our friends over at PC shit to PCXL — our competition ing mistake in your latest mag I

Incite “gaming magazine”? From Lamer is beneath us. However if already comes with the shit pre- had to respond. On page 32 you
the commercials, it’s clear they our readers want to help out packaged and printed on each write about “etched relief’ work
WISH they were you — VERY, humanity by ridding the world of and every page in the “frieze” of a certain build-
VERY, badly. So, I clicked one of these cancerous publications, The moral of this story: Once ing within Daikatana. Well ... you
those Internet ads, and got a free then we’d suggest burying them you get through the shit, PCXL is blew it. This area is called a pedi-
issue. After page after page of behind Martha Stewart's Living a damn fine magazine ment, as a whole, and the triangu-
bland reviews, horrible layouts, at every newsstand, and telling Four out of five asses agree that lar area of the pediment is called
colorless humor, and just overall everyone you know what a horri- PCXL is the shit! a Tympanum. I'll make a deal with
stupidity not seen since ... well, ble waste of money these mags you ... you stick to teaching peo-
ever (seriously, theymake PC are and that reading them is NATURE VS. NURTURE ple about computer games ... and
Games look great), came upon I likely to induce horrible disease. There has been a debate in my I’ll stick with teaching people
the cover feature “Ten Ways to Of course, we aren’t inciting you physics class, after bringing in classical architecture ... Other-
Get the Girl.” In it were such to do this — that would be the March 2000 issue. The stun- wise, great mag! ... (Oh, and
gems as “Don’t Collect Dolls,” beneath us. ning woman on the front cover speaking of architecture ... the
“Do Some Sit-ups and Lay Off the caught the eyes of many in my gals are great too!)
Chips.” Brilliant. I’m soooo glad PCXL IS "THE SHIT’ class, and after a few days (and Brian Ewing
they revealed this deep, dark When I first got your mag it was much eyestrain) a question came Master Plaster Artisan
secret, NOW I know how to catch an accident. I signed up for a to most of our minds, “Are they
that elusive supermodel! And one-mag trial. skimmed I it and real or fake?” There have been a
then there was #3: “Hide Your it didn’t seem that great. So at great many comments flying in
Joystick.” NOW you’re just get- the time I thought the only thing both directions but we need to
ting insulting. If a woman will this mag was good for was when settle this ongoing dilemma.
dump you the moment she learns I took a shit and I needed to Thanks ;)

you even PLAY games, I’m wipemy ass. Then another mag Matt N.

screwed. And the #1, tip? Get came and said, “Damn it! I I

this: SHUT DOWN ALL THOSE have to pay for the whole year
FREE E-MAIL ACCOUNTS.” Gia, for this toilet paper!” (Which I
The great debate: Real or Fake?
have you EVER dumped a guy must say was very uncomfort-
Who really cares?
because he used Hotmail? Who able when applied to the ass.)
gives a crap? I’ve had more So sent
I in a check with my life
women problems than I wish to savings on it to your money-gob-
admit, but I’ve never heard “I’m bling company and in came the
sorry, Matt, you use Hotmail — glossy toilet paper.
it’s over. I’m strictly an ISP-pro- At first I did the same with the
vided woman.” Thanks anyway, I first couple as I did with the sup-
think I’ll stick with PCXL. Even if posed trial issue — skimmed
it DID show me that am termi- I through looking for reviews that
nally in “The Friend Zone.” might interest me. I then got
“She watches Adam Sandler sucked into some of them, they
movies with you.” (Uh-oh.) “She made me chuckle a little. Then I

lets you see her without her hair wandered into the X-tra section,

done.” (Ugh.) “Her parents like where found myself liking

I it so
you” (I’m screwed.) much went through the
I

Matthew Young garbage to pick feces off the old

copies. Well, I guess the mag

Well Matt, we aren’t ones to slag turned out for the better.
on our “supposed” competition. G-limpka
 _ -
:om
FEEDBACK
Since that article was written by Thanks Dick ... uhh, I mean Mr. favor and spread the word to other TRUE PCXL HEROES!
John Romero and Stevie Case, Toilet ... uh, Crapper ... How the sad souls who haven’t yet tasted This letter is a story of how man-
I

PCXL has decided to shift blame hell can we NOT make fun of your the many and resplendent carnal aged to up the sales of your cro-
for this mistake to John Romero name? Your parents, Mr. and Mrs. pleasures of PCXL. mulent mag. I noticed that Barely
(Stevie is too cute to blame for Toilet we presume, made that task Legal was selling better than your
anything). Of course we knew impossible. Slap them the next BATTLE OF THE AGES magazine. However I noticed that
what a pediment was — it’s not time you get a chance — they In your First Person section you most of these young fellows ever
like we’re stupid. We contacted really deserve it! have several Ageist comments so cleverly slipped Barely Legal
Romero for an official description about “children” and their gam- between the pages of some other
of this error and he promised he’d BLOODY OFFENDED! ing habits. You think that all less offensive mag like Yankee
have it out by this Christmas — Being a first time reader of your “children” that play games are Crafts. So I placed all the PCXL’s
but don’t hold your breath. magazine (made it from pictures the same and are into games just next to the porn mags, so they
to words at last!), and noting the to “glock glock.” I think that grabbed PCXL to hide their porn
TOILET HUMOR numerous complaints, I feel I voice chat is a great thing — it in. The beauty of the whole thing
The picture of Tiffany on “Women should join in ... I am upset and just shouldn’t be used in games is that when the time comes for

We Love To Play” (Feb. 2000) was offended at the excessive use of like Quake where you just run them to leave, they dejectedly put

awesome. was reading your

I words, sentences, and even para- around killing. What is there to down their skin-mag of choice
magazine while was taking a I graphs in your magazine. These say during the game other than and as they reach to return PCXL
math final and I started laughing take up valuable, educational, “You suck, eat my rocket”? Voice they notice, “Hey! More scantily
so hard the teacher kicked me out often moving photographic chat is great, just use it for the clad women, not to mention
and took the magazine away. The space, essential for a quality right games with the right peo- screenshots of Daikatanal Awe-
only way he will give it back is if I periodical of your class! As a ple. And believe it’s “Children
I some! I’ll buy this!” they say.
get him a subscription. Screw prime example, I was horrified by should be seen and not heard.” Then the excited youngster will
kids)
him. I’ll buy another copy! Keep the photo of Gia’s bottom. Take a not “Children are better off seen cheerily exit the store, clutching

punk up the babe quotient and add look at the size and you must and not heard.” Ageist! his new purchase to his chest.
more Quake marine comics. agree, this is unbearable (size of Gard “EdiblE EnigmA” Groth A Reader
and Dick Toilet the picture, not her ass). It can
(don’t make fun of my name) hardly been seen, and took sev- Thanks, Gard ... you couldn’t have e. That’s funny
geezers
eral attempts to enlarge it on our proven our point better if we’d f — a lot of
copy machine. paid you. people tend
I
old Dave Williams I to think that

Hooked & Booked in London UNEMPLOYED MINORS 1 the stuff we

about
WANTED! slip in between
Dave, why would you take a per- My son received two of your mag- our hallowed
cares
fectly good ass and try to enlarge azines today — one to Chris pages is “barely
it? What the hell kinda goofballs Keller and one to Chris Dragon — legal” anyway.
really
are they serving in jolly Olde Eng- since he is under age and has no
land these days? means of income I guess you YET ANOTHER PERV
don’t feet checking these things I recently got your March issue,
nobody

VIRGIN NO MORE! out in advance is important. On a and I decided to take it to school

This past weekend I picked up a personal note I found your cover for a little “quality” reading time.

(Besides,
copy of your magazine for the of the women with her breasts Now am known
I as the school
first time. WOW!!! wish I I had failing outsomewhat uncon- pervert, and had at least three

been picking up copies the whole nected to a game magazine — i different teachers take it away
“Ageists”
time you have been around. I am assume this is how you attract from me. I think you guys are
not used to having a magazine young men to the magazine? My doing an excellent job. Keep up
with all my interests in it — com- hope, therefore, is that more the good work.
are
puters and great looking women. unemployed minors request your Voodoo Master
we The women are all knockouts. Oh, publication and can’t pay for it.

that
and the articles are full of excit- PS: I actually had people offer me
ing information and knowledge You’ve figured out our top-secret money for one of your subscrip-

claims
(had to commend the gang for the circulation strategy. By the way, tion cards. (Yes I took it.)

great reviews). And yes, I do read your sons Chris and Chris have
all
the articles. been sent to our collection agency Don’t worry, Mr. Master, each per-
Thanks, xjarhead (Deadbeats Are Deadmeat). We’re son on our staff was known as
deny
Glad you like mag and it’s
the not saying that you “have” to pay “the school pervert” in their

We how
great to see you have so many the bill, but Tony “Kneecaps” has respectful schools, and look
Come on now, the guy’s name is
varied interests. You’re a regular amazing powers of influence — if well we’ve done for ourselves ...
“Dick Toilet” for Christ’s sake!
Renaissance man! Now do us a you know what we mean. umm, kinda.
Isn’t time to start making
it

the world a better place?

 It’s kinda like that thing in ADE1I - you know buy some wood, sell some stone, etc.

Meet Chrjtfy
'*%
She needs surgery

Without the proper funding

poor Christy won^
he here next Chris!

Digital Animation
Production^^^pi*
^^^^yGame Design
Interactive Media
Application Development

Computer Programming
Internet Administration

Network Administration .
Do you want that on your conscience?
Mechanical/lndustrial Design

Architectural/Civil Design

Interior Design aBpfjpB

Tjg
Save Christy, advertise in PCXL Marketplace, sell some products, and have a laugh.

Call Wilson tan today, before it’s tea late

Advancing Computer Technology
phone: 41S-468-4B84 *737

Call Today (or Information 1- 800 - 658-5744

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I E-mail [email protected] Visit our website at m

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Mike

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Asus P5A-B MB5711 ALi Aladdin V 512 384 3 Award 3 2 1 Baby AT 1 Yr. $95 $149 $154 $185 $185 $140
EPoX EP-MVP3C2 MB5406 VIA Apollo MVP3 512 384 3 Award UltraDMA/66 4 2 1 Baby AT 2 '
Yrs. $81 $135 $140 $171 $171 $126
EPoX EP-MVP3G5 MB5405 VIA Apollo MVP3 2048 384 3 Award UltraDMA/66 5 2 1 ATX 2 Yrs. $106 $160 $165 $196 $196 $151
FIC PA-2013 (2MB Cache) MBS214 VIA Apollo MVP3 2048 384 3 Award 4 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $110 $164 $169 $200 $200 $155
FIC VA-503+ MBS211 VIA Apollo MVP3 1024 512 2 4 Award 3 3 1 Baby AT 1 Yr. $77 $131 $136 $167 $167 $122
Shuttle HOT-591 P MB5611 VIA Apollo MVP3 512 256 2 2 Award 3 3 1 Baby AT '
1 Yr. $77 $131 $136 $167 $167 $122
Tyan S1590S Trinity 100AT MB5006 VIA Apollo MVP3 1024 384 3 2 Award 4 4 1 Mini AT 3 Yrs. $95 $149 $154 $185 $185 $140
Tyan SI 598 Trinity ATX MBS008 VIA Apollo MVP3 2048 384 3 Award UltraDMA/66 5 2 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $124 $178 $183 $214 $214 $169

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AMI Megathon MB7301 AMD-751 / VIA 686A 768 3 Award 100 UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $165 $390 $450 $540 $735 $945 $1185 $1295 $1615
Asus K7M MB7701 AMD-751 / VIA 686A 768 3 Award 100/120/133 UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $167 $392 $452 $542 $737 $947 $1187 $1297 $1617
EPoX EP-7KXA MB7850 VIA Apollo KX133 768 3 Award 200/133 UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 2 Yrs. $149 $374 $434 $524 $719 $929 $1169 $1279 $1599
FICSD11 MB7401 AMD-751 / VIA 686A 768 3 Award 100 UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $125 $350 $410 $500 $695 $905 $1145 $1255 $1575
GVC QS750 MB7601 AMD-750 768 3 Award 100 UltraDMA/66 4 3 1 ATX 1 Yr. $138 $363 $423 $513 $708 $918 $1158 $1268 $1588
Microstar K7 Pro MB7202 AMD-750 768 3 Award 100 UltraDMA/66 6 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $157 $382 $442 $532 $727 $937 $1177 $1287 $1607
Shuttle AI61 MB7901 AMD-750 768 3 Award 100 UltraDMA/66 5 1 MicroATX 1 Yr. $125 $350 $410 $500 $695 $905 $1145 $1255 $1575
Tyan S2380 Trinity K7 MB7000 VIA Apollo KX133 768 3 Award 200/133 UltraDMA/66 6 1 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $179 $404 $464 $554 $749 $959 $1199 $1309 $1629

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EPoX EP-3VCA MB6854 VIA Apollo Pro 1 33A 768 3 Award AC-97 4 1 1 1 ATX 2 Yrs. $120 $206 $245 $285 $325 $350 N/A $350 $420 $520 $790 $1010
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Shuttle MB6310 Intel 81 0E 512 2 Award Intel 81 0E Intel 81 0E 3 1 Micro ATX 1 Yr. $118 $204 $243 $283 $323 $348 N/A $348 $418 $518 $788 $1008
SuperMicro 370SCD MB6159 Intel® 820 512 2 AMI AC-97 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $147 $233 $272 $312 $352 $377 N/A $377 $447 $547 $817 $1037
SuperMicro 370SEA MB6140 Intel 81 0E 512 2 AMI Intel 81 0E Intel 81 0E 6 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $134 $220 $259 $299 $339 $364 N/A $364 $434 $534 $804 $1024
Tyan SI 857 Trinity 371 MB6017 Intel 440BX 768 3 AMI 6 1 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $105 $191 $230 $270 $310 $335 N/A N/A N/A N/A N/A N/A
Tyan SI 854 Trinity 400 MB6018 VIA Apollo Pro 133A 768 3 Award 6 1 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $108 $194 $233 $273 $313 $338 N/A $338 $408 $508 $778 $998

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ABIT BE6-II MB6508 Intel 440BX 768 3 Award UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $140 $370 $430 N/A $520 N/A $680 $810 N/A N/A N/A
ABIT BF6 MB6507 Intel 440BX 768 3 Award 6 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $119 $349 $409 N/A $499 N/A $659 $789 N/A N/A N/A
ABIT VA6 MB6509 VIA Apollo Pro 133 768 3 Award AC-97 UltraDMA/66 5 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $89 $319 $379 $389 $469 $489 $629 $759 $979 $1269 N/A
Asus P2B98-DS MB6707 Intel 440BX 1024 4 Award 4 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $479 $709 $769 N/A $859 N/A $1019 $1149 N/A N/A $2219
Asus P3B-F MB6720 Intel 440BX 1024 4 Award 6 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $133 $363 $423 N/A $513 N/A $673 $803 N/A N/A N/A -S
Asus P3C2000 MB6722 Intel 820 1024 4 Award AC-97 UltraDMA/66 5 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $170 $400 $460 $470 $550 $570 $710 $840 $1060 $1350 N/A
Asus P3V4X MB6723 VIA Apollo Pro 133A 1024 4 Award UltraDMA/66 6 1 1 ATX 1 Yr. $121 $351 $411 $421 $501 $521 $661 $791 $1011 $1301 N/A
EPoX EP-6VBA2 MB6855 VIA Apollo Pro 1 33A 768 3 Award AC-97 UltraDMA/66 4 2 1 ATX 2 Yrs. $109 $339 $399 $409 $489 $509 $649 $779 $999 $1289 N/A
FIC KA11 MB6411 VIA Apollo Pro 133A 1024 4 Award UltraDMA/66 5 2 ATX 1 Yr. $100 $330 $390 $400 $480 $500 $640 $770 $990 $1280 N/A
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Intel VC820 MB6920 Intel 820 512 2 Intel/Phoenix UltraDMA/66 5 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $179 $409 $469 $479 $559 $579 $719 $849 $1069 $1359 N/A
Intel SE440BX-2 "Seattle" MB6921 Intel 440BX 768 3 Intel/Phoenix 4 2 ATX 3 Yrs. $115 $345 $405 N/A $495 N/A $655 $785 N/A N/A N/A

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Shuttle AV64 MB6309 <> o > 768 3 Award UltraDMA/66 5 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $94 $324 $384 $394 $474 $494 $634 $764 $984 $1274 N/A
SuperMicro PIIISCD MB6146 Intel 820 512 2 AMI AC-97 UltraDMA/66 5 ATX 1 Yr. $152 $382 $442 $452 $532 $552 $692 $822 $1042 $1332 N/A
SuperMicro PIIISED MB6142 Intel 81 Oe 512 2 AMI AC-97 UltraDMA/66 6 ATX 1 Yr. $123 $353 $413 $423 $503 $523 $663 $793 $1013 $1303 N/A
SuperMicro PIIIDME MB6151 Intel 840 4096 4 AMI AC-97 Intel PRO/1 00+ 6 ATX 1 Yr. $359 $589 Call $659 Call $759 Call Call $1249 $1539 Call

SuperMicro PIIIDM3 MB6153 Intel 840 4096 4 AMI AC-97 Adaptec Ultra3/1 60 6 ATX 1 Yr. $599 $829 $889 N/A $979 N/A $1139 $1269 N/A N/A $2339
SuperMicro P6DGH MB6129 Intel 440GX 2048 4 AMI Adaptec 2-Ch U2W 9 2 Full AT 1 Yr. $835 $1065 $1125 N/A $1215 N/A $1375 $1505 N/A N/A $2575
SuperMicro P6SBA MB6120 Intel 440BX 768 3 AMI 4 3 ATX 1 Yr. $104 $334 $394 N/A $484 N/A $644 $774 N/A N/A N/A
SuperMicro P6SBU MB6128 Intel 440BX 1024 4 AMI Adaptec U2W 4 3 ATX 1 Yr. $329 $559 $619 N/A $709 N/A $869 $999 N/A N/A N/A
Tyan SI 854 Trinity 400 MB6018 VIA Apollo Pro 133A 768 3 Award UltraDMA/66 6 1 ATX 3 Yrs. $109 $339 $399 $409 $489 $509 $649 $779 $999 $1289 N/A

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AMI MegaPlex II MB6215 Intel 450NX 4096 16 AMI 2MB ATI 7 1 9U Rack 1 Yr. $3999 $5099 $6329 $8339 $6199 $8399 N/A N/A N/A 3
SuperMicro S2DM3 MB6156 Intel 840 4096 4 AMI AC-97 Adaptec Ultra3/160m Intel PRO/1 00+ 6 1 ATX 1 Yr. $676 $1776 $3006 $5016 $2876 N/A $2076 $1176 $1626 sS
SuperMicro S2DME MB6160 Intel 840 4096 4 AMI AC-97 Intel PRO/1 00+ 6 1 ATX 1 Yr. $446 $1546 $2776 $4786 $2646 N/A $1846 $946 $1396
SuperMicro S2DG2 MB6136 Intel 440GX 2048 4 AMI Adaptec 2-Ch U2W 5 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $549 $1649 $2879 $4889 $2749 N/A $1949 N/A N/A
SuperMicro S2DGE MB6135 Intel 440GX 2048 4 AMI 5 2 1 ATX 1 Yr. $329 $1429 $2659 $4669 $2529 N/A $1729 N/A N/A

Leading-Edge Performance
888 - 297-7409 for Cutting-Edge Applications
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 The Straight Talk People

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Pine PT5965 Cirrus 5465 4MB RAMBUS....$24.99 19" G910 1792@75Hz .26 CRI914 $308.99 HP SureStore CD-Writer 9100i 8X/4X/32X $290.99 30.0GB Quantum Fireball LM 7200rpm $297.99
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Pine PT5968-68 SIS6326 PCI 8MB $33.99 21“ P210 1792@75Hz .25 CRI916 $626.99 Plextor PlexWriter 8X/4X/32X ATAPI $289.99 34.2GB IBM Deskstar 34GXP 7200rpm $375.99 Tech Support 8 am - 5 PM Mon-Fri
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 FIRST PERSON
RtKT MONTH?
Diablo-done my ass! V THE PERFECT 10
What more could you suckers ask for? The 10 hottest
very time I hear someone complain about Nox or Revenant being just another
— our swimsuit spectacu-
games and 10 hotter girls
Diablo knockoff, I get pissed off. It’s a disservice to the developers and the
lar and we’ve got the games and girls to make it just
players of said “clone” games that often times, good games are relegated to
that trickin’ spectacular. Max Payne, NFS: Motor
the clone pile without getting a chance to strut their stuff. Diablo was fun, but
City, C&C Renegade, Halo, Wolfenstein, and five oth-
it had a lot of weak spots and was certainly not the end-all/be-all of isometric adven-
ers you’ll crap your pants over.
tures. I don’t know many people in this crackified industry who played past the first cou-
ple of levels of Revenant
or Nox, yet felt confident
in shouting that they
offered nothing new.
Moreover, to devalue a
game simply because it is
not some other more pop-
ular game is simply poor

reviewing. Revenant had

an interesting storyline as
well as a unique combat
system that not only
added depth and style to

the frequent battles, but

was also a lot of fun. It

was not the developers’

fault that some chose to
play their game as if it was
the click-fest that was Dia-
blo. Nox has the most innovative multiplayer action I’ve seen in years, yet it’s ignored
because “It’s just Diablo, except you can’t play co-op.”
The same mouths that whine and complain that there is no innovation in games are
deriding, or worse, ignoring, games that try to do something different. Is there a problem
with actually playing a game at least halfway through and then deciding whether or not
it is good? How many people would have thought Half-Life sucked ass if it had started
with the Xen levels — would they ever have bothered to play past the first two?
com

It doesn’t help that the foundations of these judgments are frequently unfairly biased.
® IT’LL KILL YA- HONEST
A feature so funny we can’t tell you about it now for
It’s true that as an editor in this industry, not only is time limited, but you see so many fear you’ll raid our offices and torture us to finish it.

games that the ones you con- Unless you’ve all become supermodels we would-
etters@pcxl.

centrate on are usually the n’t like that. (P.S. All supermodels are welcome in

l ones that have the most flash the PCXL offices for torturing, spankings, etc.)
to in the first five minutes (or

have a name you recognize). You aren’t honestly going to sit there on a
title

If you are a big Diablo/Com- soap box and fight for the rights of the poor,
® A BLUFFER’S GUIDE TO BUSTING A NUT
his
We force Matt to play Soldier of Fortune ’til he can
mand & Conquer/ Quake fan, misunderstood clones of the world? Even
blow the kneecaps off a scuzbag at 50 yards. Learn
for
you’re going to look at deriva- your ignorance must know some bounds!
from his infinite, and desensitized, wisdom.
ideas
tive games with less enthusi- How can you possibly say that it isn’t “fair”

asm than to compare Revenant to Diablo ? In fact, if

your
sequels.
Thief could have easily you weren’t such an ignorant slut then you
@ SNOW ANGELS IN HELL 2: THIS TIME WE MEAN IT

It’s possible that next month will include the elu-

been ignored as just another would have remembered the numerous
sive Daikatana review. Of course it’s also possible
Send first-person shooter, and in press releases from Eidos which said things
that a team of supermodels will raid our offices and
fact, was partially designed like, “it’s just like Diablo, except ...” Now you make us their personal love slaves.
guy.”
with more action scenes just say we’re being unfair to the game makers
to cater to FPS fans, but by comparing them to the very game they
new
thankfully it was given wanted to be compared to?
“the enough of a chance to be ft is a reviewer’s job to rate games based
taken on its own merits. No on other games that are out. Every game

called
one said, “Thief is just a slow, must be compared to one another. After all,

wannabe Quakel" Conse- isn’t that the very decision our readers will
quently the sequel will fea- face when they go to buy a game?
being

ture even less action-shooter Despite your tree-hugging “all games are
of good” pleas, there no denying that the
sequences because fans did- is

tired
n’t like it as much as the easiest way to describe Nox or Revenant is
snooping around elements. to say, “It’s like Diablo, but ...” Speaking of
is
Score one for innovation! butts, have I mentioned that you are an ass?
Matt PC ACCELERATOR (ISSN 1521-7795) is published monthly by Imagine Media, Inc., 150 North Hill Drive,

Brisbane, CA 94005, USA. Application to mail at Periodicals Postage rate pending at Brisbane CA and
- MIKE “CLONE THIS, BITCH!” SALMON additional mailing offices. Newsstand distribution is handled by the Curtis Circulation Company.
MATT “LIKE DIABLO, BUT Subscriptions: One year basic rate (12 issues): US: $20: Canada: $34: Foreign: $44. Basic subscription
rates for version w/CD: one year (12 issues / 24 CD-ROM’s) US: $30, Canada: $44: Foreign: $54. Canadian and
NOT AS DEEP” HOLMES foreign orders must be pre-paid, US funds only. Canadian price includes postage and GST
(GST#Ri2822o688). For customer service, call 800-333-3890; in US, 415-468-2500. For back issues, call 800-
865-7240. POSTMASTER send changes of address to PC ACCELERATOR, PO Box 52681, Boulder, CO 80322.
Ride-Along, enclosed in the following editions: A3, B2, E, Ei, E2, E3, F, Fi, F2, F3, F4, F5.
 New Dell™ Dimension™ XPS B800r.
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Dell4me™ is all about helping you get the most out of your
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"Monthly payments based on 13.99% APR. APR FOR QUALIFIED CUSTOMERS VARIES BY CREDITWORTHINESS OF
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pentium®///
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CAMERAS AND SCANNERS. Build a photo archive on your

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Then use our online services and resources to send pictures
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NEXT-BUSINESS-DAY SERVICE 4
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PAYMENT OPTIONS. Each of our customers has different

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INTEL® PENTIUM® III PROCESSORS with speeds up to
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DELL™ NOTEBOOKS:
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NEW Intel* Celeron™ Processor at 450MHz NEW Intel® Pentium* III Processor at 500MHz Intel® Pentium® III Processor at 600MHz
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12.1" SVGA Active Matrix Display 14.1" SXGA+ Active Matrix Display Featuring Intel® SpeedStep™ Technology
32MB SDRAM 32MB SDRAM 15“ SXGA+ TFT Active Matrix Display
5
4.8GB Ultra ATA Hard Drive 6.0GB Ultra ATA Hard Drive
5
64MB SDRAM 6.0GB 5 Ultra ATA Hard Drive

Modular 24X Max CD-ROM Modular 24X Max CD-ROM Modular 24X Max CD-ROM
2X AGP 8MB ATI RAGE Mobility™-M1 3D Video 2X AGP 4MB ATI RAGE Mobility’"-P 3D Video 2X AGP 8MB ATI RAGE Mobility™-P 3D Video
3D Positional Sound with Wavetable 3D Positional Sound with Wavetable 3D Positional Sound with Wavetable
32WHr Nickel Metal Hydride Battery (NiMH) 52WHr Lithium Ion Battery 52WHr Lithium Ion Battery
MS* Works Suite 2000 Internal 56K Capable 6 V.90 Fax Modem Internal 56K Capable' V.90 Fax Modem
MS® Windows® 98, Second Edition MS® Works Suite 2000 MS® Works Suite 2000
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IM M W
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E -VALUE
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M V/
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E- VALUE CODE: 89755-800425h
7
DELL™ DESKTOPS
DELL" DIMENSION” L466cx
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Affordable Desktop Solution Affordable Desktop Solution

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15" (13.8“ vis) E550 Monitor 15“ (13.8” vis) E550 Monitor
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SoundBlaster 64V PCI Sound Card SoundBlaster 64V PCI Sound Card '“Includes 150 hrs./month, plus $1.50/hr.
PC Speakers PC Speakers
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V.90 56K Capable PCI DataFax Modem V.90 56K Capable* PCI DataFax Modem
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DELL DIMENSION XPST700r DELL DIMENSION xpSBsoor extra, and vary: they are due with 1st

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High Performance, Great Value Cutting Edge Technology
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* Intel® Pentium® III Processor at 700MHz Intel® Pentium® III Processor at 800EB MHz
64MB SDRAM 20GB 5 Ultra ATA Hard Drive 128MB RDRAM 30GB 5 Ultra ATA Hard Drive Financial Services L.P. to U.S. state
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16MB ATI RAGE 128 Pro 32MB NVIDIA geFORCE 4X AGP Graphics
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Altec Lansing® ACS-340™ Speakers with Subwoofer without notice. Taxes and shipping charges extra, and

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Printers: Service Upgrades:
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HP® OfficeJet* T65, add $499 Dell™ Dimension™ Premier 3-Yr At-Home
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HP® ScanJet® 6300Cse, add $399 Dell™ 48 Month Purchase Plan”
SpeedStep and Celeron are trademarks of Intel
HP® ScanJet® 4200Cse, add $179 Dell™ E-Check
Corporation. MS, Microsoft, IntelliMouse, and
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Experience digital surround sound in your gaming
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