BOUNDARIES

W O R K B O O K
THIS BOOK BELONGS TO :
DARING TO SET
BOUNDARIES IS
ABOUT HAVING
THE COURAGE
TO LOVE
OURSELVES
EVEN WHEN
WE RISK
DISAPPOINTING
OTHERS.
 WHAT ARE
BOUNDARIES
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves
within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no”
to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening
themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. A person who
always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically,
or otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone
who tends to get too involved with others has porous boundaries.

COMMON TRAITS OF RIGID, POROUS,

AND HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

RIGID POROUS HEALTHY

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES
Avoids
Overshares Values own
intimacy and
personal opinions.
close
information. Doesn’t
relationships.
Difficulty compromise
Unlikely to ask
saying “no” to values for
for help. Has
the requests of others.
few close
others. Shares personal
relationships.
Overinvolved information in
Very
with others’ an appropriate
protective of
problems. way (does not
personal
Dependent on over or under
information.
the opinions of share).
May seem
others. Knows personal
detached, even
Accepting of wants and
with romantic
abuse or needs, and can
partners.
disrespect. communicate
Keeps others at
Fears rejection them.
a distance to
if they do not Accepting when
avoid the
comply with others say “no”
possibility of
others. to them.
rejection.
 TYPE OF
BOUNDARIES
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
Refer to personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries include an
awareness of what’s appropriate, and what’s not, in various settings and types of
relationships (hug, shake hands, or kiss). Physical boundaries may be violated if someone
touches you when you don’t want them to, or when they invade your personal space (for
example, rummaging through your bedroom).

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
Refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others’
ideas, and an awareness of appropriate discussion (should we talk about the weather, or
politics?). Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles
another person’s thoughts or ideas.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Refer to a person’s feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include limitations on when
to share, and when not to share, personal information. For example, gradually sharing
personal information during the development of a relationship, as opposed to revealing
everything to everyone. Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes,
belittles, or invalidates another person’s feelings.
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
Refer to the emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality. Healthy sexual
boundaries involve mutual understanding and respect of limitations and desires
between sexual partners. Sexual boundaries can be violated with unwanted sexual
touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments.
MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
Refer to money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on
what you will share, and with whom. For example, it may be appropriate to lend a car to
a family member, but probably not to someone you met this morning. Material
boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages another person’s possessions,
or when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions.
TIME BOUNDARIES
Refer to how a person uses their time. To have healthy time boundaries, a person must
set aside enough time for each facet of their life such as work, relationships, and hobbies.
Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of another’s
time.
 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES VS.
UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

EXAMPLES OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES:

Valuing your own opinions

Not compromising personal values for others

Sharing personal information in an appropriate way

(not over- or under-sharing)

Knowing your personal wants and needs, and communicating them

Accepting when others say “no” Staying focused on your own growth and
recovery

Deciding whether a new relationship will be good for you, as opposed

to imprinting onto the first person who shows interest Being your own
loving advocate

Noticing when someone is engaging in unhealthy boundaries

Trusting your own decisions Knowing who you are and what you want

Moving slowly into intimacy Keeping track of red flags, as opposed to

sweeping them aside
 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES VS.
UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

EXAMPLES OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Making one person the center of your world

Sharing intimate and personal information to someone you’ve just met

(such as problems with all of your relationships, sexual history, sexual
preferences, the number of times you’ve dated or been married/divorced,
your long-term desires regarding a relationship)

Changing the way you look, dress, or style your hair because someone
you barely know suggests it

Allowing someone you’ve just met tell you how to interact with and/or
discipline your children

Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries Not trusting

anyone – or, trusting everyone: All or nothing thinking
 D E T E R M I N I N G M Y
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
WHAT THINGS MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
ABOUT A CURRENT, RECENTLY ENDED OR NEW
RELATIONSHIP?
1) I don’t like it when:

2) I feel resentful when:

3) When ___________(insert name) does this, I think about it for the rest of
the day:

4) Things that I believe other people should respect about me are:

5) Things I will no longer tolerate are (i.e., my deal-breakers): boundary or

boundaries I will set is (are):
 WAYS TO COMMUNICATE
M Y B O U N D A R I E S

EXAMPLES OF PHRASING AND WORDS TO USE

I feel uncomfortable about…
I’d rather not…
I can see your point of view, but…
It’s important to me that…
This is difficult for me to say, but…
I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided not to…
It’s okay that we don’t agree on everything, that’s what makes us different.
I’d feel more comfortable if you didn’t ............................... is unacceptable to me.
I’ll think about it. Perhaps we should agree to disagree. I’d prefer not to… I
have a problem with that.

THINGS TO CONSIDER:

These steps can be used to establish and implement boundaries in any

relationship, but for narcissistic abuse survivors, they are especially
important in romantic relationships.
If you are currently in a relationship with a toxic or abusive individual, it
may be necessary for your own safety and well-being to implement
them after you’ve exited the relationship.
If thinking about setting your personal boundaries causes discomfort,
it’s an indicator that these are the ones that you most need to
implement.
Boundaries are rules for your life designed to make you feel
emotionally safe and should not be used to control people or
circumstances.
 BOUNDARIES
C I R C L E S
Does everyone get to know everything about you? How much time do you
devote to a relationship? When can you trust someone and let them into
to your life more? When asking these questions, it is helpful to think of
relationships in terms of circles. Only those who are in your inner circle get
access to intimate information about your life. You get to decide which
circle a person belongs in when it comes to your life. Use the diagram
below to outline who is in what circle in your life.

TER CIRCLE
OU

DD LE CIRCL
M I E

N ER CIRCL
N E
T H I N GI S T O C O N S I D E R :
CIRC
UR L
O
Y

E
 IDENTIFYING YOUR
P R O B L E M A R E A S
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
1. What boundary categories have the most violations? (e.g., sexual, communication)?

2. How have these boundary issues impacted you negatively?

What are the main reasons why you want to have boundaries now?
 QUESTIONS FOR
R E F L E C T I O N
Identify the three rights or responsibilities that are the most relevant in your life right
now?

Did any of the rights or responsibilities on this list surprise you or not occur to you?
 BOUNDARY
B A S I C S
WHAT IS YOUR PERSPECTIVE?
The first step in boundary setting is being able to articulate your perspective. In healthy
relationships, our perceptions and feelings are treated as valid and equally as important
as the other person’s. However, if our perceptions have continually been dismissed or
ignored, we can doubt ourselves. Language can be a powerful tool to help us clarify the
boundary issue and how it is impacting us. This exercise can be a helpful practice to be
able to understand yourself and communicate this understanding to others.
What are you observing?

Example: Just now, I noticed you look at the clock while I was talking

What are you thinking?

Example: I had the thought that what I was saying was boring.

What are you feeling?

Common emotions: Hurt, confused, angry, frustrated, anxious, concerned, love, gratitude, relief, shame,
disappointed, abandoned
 BOUNDARIES
HELP YOU TO
DEFINE YOUR IDENTITY

you become clear and confident with yourself,

and others know what to expect from you

PROTECT YOURSELF
FROM VIOLATORS

boundaries let in what is good and keep

out what is bad, so you remain safe and
able to express your true self.

BRING ORDER

without them, you are unable to regulate

demands, ideas, dreams, responsibilities,
opportunities, pleasures and activities. Life can
become chaotic.

PROMOTE YOU
leaders and employers with good boundaries
know that if you have good boundaries, you can
be trusted to state clearly what you can and
cannot do, welcome input and work passionately
without burnout.
 BOUNDARIES
HELP YOU TO
PROTECT YOURSELF FROM
THE CONTROL OF OTHERS

Having clear boundaries makes it difficult for

others to control you, and makes it easier for you
to say no when you need to.

PRESERVE YOUR
PURPOSE AND MISSION

Once these are identified, boundaries save

you for the relationships and opportunities
that best fit who you are.

PROTECT YOUR FINEST

PERSONAL ASSETS

Which includes knowledge, body, skills, abilities,

purpose and mission

SATISFY YOUR NEED FOR

SELF-CONFIRMATION

By defining you and your personality.

 PERSONAL BILL
O F R I G H T S
1. I have the right to ask for what I need.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands that I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to change my mind.
4. I have the right to make mistakes and to not have to be perfect.
5. I have the right to have a difference of opinion or way of seeing the
situation.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to express my positive and negative feelings, as long as
they do not harm anyone.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I am not responsible for the behaviour, feelings, or problems of others.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to not know the answers or to say, “I don’t know.”
12. I have the right to be angry at someone I love and to express this in a
moderate manner.
13. I have the right to my own reality.
14. I have the right to my need for space and time.
15. I have the right to treat myself well and to be healthy.
16. I have the right to remove myself from abusive and unhealthy
environments.
17. I have the right to change and grow.
18. I have the right to make new friends and contacts.
19. I have the right to have my needs and requests honoured by others.
20. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
21. I have the right to a fulfilling sex life.
22. I have the right to be playful.
23. I have the right to grieve and be sad.
24. I have the right to be happy.
25. I have the right to take care of myself.
 REASONS TO STOP
BEING NICE ALL THE TIME

We must not become so busy being nice

to everyone that we lose our identity.

Not being nice doesn't mean you are evil.

It just shows your assertiveness.

Make a conscious decision to set your

boundaries and pursue your goals.

It's essential to learn to say no, regardless

of what social conditioning on "niceness"
tells you in life.
 EXPRESS YOURSELF
M O R E O F T E N !

You can be expressive about your

feelings, moods and even opinion,
as long as you also respect others!

3 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE

are still afraid to express

themselves.

IMPROVE YOURSELF BY
DOING THESE

Know your Express with Don't be

boundaries respect afraid
 Y O U R G U I D E T O
EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE
HERE ARE TIPS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
YOUR EMOTIONS

Learn To Say No Breathe Deeply

Get into the habit of Take a few deep
using this word to reject breaths when you're
your own invitation or feeling overwhelmed
desire to take back time or like your emotions
and organize your are running the show.
schedule.

Create Boundaries Feel Your Emotions

You are someone who Accept and live what
can manage yourself, you feel without
creating boundaries will judgment & allow
help you maintain your yourself to process what
privacy and comfort you are going through
 D E A R
M A N
The acronym DEAR MAN outlines a strategy for communicating effectively.
This strategy will help you express your wants and needs in a way that is
respectful to yourself and others. Using DEAR MAN will increase the
likelihood of positive outcomes from your interactions.

DESCRIBE
Clearly and concisely describe the facts of the situation, without any judgment.
“You have asked me to work late 3 days this week.”

EXPRESS
Use “I” statements to express your emotions.
“I feel overwhelmed by the extra work I’ve been given.”

ASSERT
Clearly state what you want or need. Be specific when giving instructions or making
requests. “I need to resume my regular 40-hour work week.”

REINFORCE
Reward the other person if they respond well to you.
Smiling, saying “thank you”, and other kind gestures work well as reinforcement.

MINDFULNESS
Being mindful of your goal means not getting sidetracked or distracted by other issues.
“I would like to resolve the overtime issue before talking about the upcoming project.”
APPEAR CONFIDENT
Use body language to show confidence, even if you don’t feel it. Stand up straight,
make appropriate eye contact, speak clearly, and avoid fidgeting.

NEGOTIATE
Know the limits of what you are willing to accept, but be willing to compromise within
them.
“I’ll finish the extra work this week, but I won’t be able to manage the same amount of
work next week.”
 D E A R
M A N
Choose a specific interpersonal challenge you are dealing with, or that you
have dealt with in the past. Answer the prompt for each step to create a
plan for communicating about the issue.
DESCRIBE
What are the facts of the situation? Do not include opinions or interpretations.

EXPRESS
Write an “I” statement to express your feelings: “I feel _____ when _____.”

ASSERT
How will you tell someone what you need? Respond with the specific language you will use.

REINFORCE
How will you reward the other person for responding well to you?

MINDFULNESS
What is the goal of your interaction? What other topics might distract from the goal?

APPEAR CONFIDENT
Describe the posture, eye contact, and tone of voice you will use.

NEGOTIATE
What are the limits of what you are willing to accept?
 H O W T O C R E A T E
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays
the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and
competence in a balanced way.” ~Harriet Lerner Setting boundaries is essential if we
want to be both physically and emotionally healthy. Creating healthy boundaries is
empowering.

By recognizing the need to set and enforce limits, you protect your selfesteem,
maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries cause
emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-
induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home
unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. On the other hand,
having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle
surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out.
 TIPS FOR SETTING
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully,
and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary
you are setting. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary
you are setting.

You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If
it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to
controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but
remain firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting.
You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by
apologizing.

At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary.
Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries
takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from
taking care of yourself.

When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you
probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or
say, then communicate assertively.

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own
time frame, not when someone else tells you. Develop a support system of people
who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life— those
who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.
 TIPS FOR SETTING
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
1.TUNE IN
Our bodies always give us signals when we are near a personal limit. Notice if you feel
your jaw tighten or your fists clench. Maybe you start to squirm, or you break into a
sweat. Perhaps you feel it in your throat or stomach? Whatever the cue, honor what
your body tells you and take some time to explore your discomfort and understand
the arising boundary.

2.UNDERSTAND YOUR PRIORITIES

Your time is a limited and valuable resource. If you try to please everyone, you not only
purchase a one-way ticket to burnout and resentment, you also deny yourself the
pleasure and growth of focusing on what you value. Next time you say yes to
someone, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself. Take some time to write a list of
priorities and compare it to where you spend your time and energy to assess if you
need to make any adjustments.

3.COMMUNICATE WITH CLARITY

Practice saying no when you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to explain
yourself or offer an excuse. The following phrases are complete answers: “No, thank
you.” “Thanks, but I can’t.”
If someone you care about has violated your boundaries, you may want to give them
more information. Here’s a helpful template to express your frustration:

When you ..........................................,

I felt ...........................................
Please don’t ...........................................
..........................................is important to me.
 TIPS FOR SETTING
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
4.GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING UNCOMFORTABLE
If you’re not used to asserting your boundaries, you may find yourself feeling awkward,
scared, guilty, or nervous when addressing a personal limit. Give yourself space and
time to build up your tolerance. You may also feel supported by breathing exercises,
meditation, or talking with a trusted friend or therapist.

5.TAKE SPACE
If you’re ever caught off guard by someone crossing a boundary, and you’re not sure
how to respond, offer yourself permission to return to the conversation after you’ve
had some time to reflect and recenter yourself. Try saying something like, “I need some
time to think about what just happened. I’d like to come back to this conversation in a
few hours/days.”

6.BOUNDARIES CAN BE FLEXIBLE

Our boundaries will change for different people, and they may shift over time based
on the conditions of your life and the evolution of a relationship. It’s crucial to check in
with yourself to ensure that your relational rules feel good for you. If your boundaries
are quite rigid or extremely loose, it may indicate that something is going on
underneath the surface for you. If that’s the case, you might consider getting some
additional support.
 TIPS FOR SETTING
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
7.BE PREPARED
Don’t be surprised if some people react poorly to your feedback. People who are
controlling, manipulative, abusive, or who have unhealthy boundaries themselves
may be triggered when you set a boundary. You can express your limits with
compassion, but it’s not your job to make it okay for them.

8.CREATE CONSEQUENCES
Cultivate clarity around what you want to do if someone consistently disrespects your
boundaries. Will you take a break from the relationship? Will you stop working with
them? Choose something that you are willing and ready to do and stay firm. If this
feels challenging for you, don’t go it alone: ask a trusted friend, family member, or
therapist for help.

9.RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE’S BOUNDARIES

People often give us both physical and verbal cues about their own boundaries. Notice
if they take a step back, avoid eye contact, or seem uncomfortable. Of course, everyone
is unique, and their cues will mean and communicate different things. Ultimately if
you’re not sure what someone’s boundary is, you can always ask.
"BOUNDARIES
ARE A PART OF
SELF-CARE.
THEY ARE
HEALTHY,
NORMAL, AND
NECESSARY."
MY NOTES
DATE:
MY NOTES
DATE:
MY NOTES
DATE: