WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS

LEARNING TO LOVE THE SELF

There are many ways to work Steps Four and Five in CoDA. We lovingly offer this as
another tool. We hope it will be a gentle yet effective approach to discovering what may
be standing in the way of having healthy and loving relationships. The next set of
questions will guide you through sections of Co-Dependents Anonymous, also known as
the CoDA Blue Book [Third Edition] for background information and insights helpful to
thoroughly work Step Four. As you share your written answers with your CoDA sponsor,
co-sponsor, or Step study group, you will also be completing Step Five.

It is suggested you create a Self-Care Kit. Insert uplifting loving messages to yourself and
learn to love yourself unconditionally. It is also suggested you create a Recovery Toolbox.
Add valuable recovery tools such as respectful detachment, setting healthy boundaries,
& practicing healthy communication skills.

As you courageously go forward, you will start to recognize seven major areas of healing
needed for your CoDA recovery. So, from now on, every life lesson you encounter might
be asking you to grow in these areas:

● setting healthy boundaries

● using healthy communication skills
● loving yourself unconditionally
● grief work - experiencing original pain
● re-parenting your inner child
● integrating your disowned parts
● developing your positive self worth

Don’t get bogged down with the details of these topics right now. Just be aware of these
seven critical areas. As you work the rest of the CoDA Twelve Steps, you will see yourself
healing in all these areas. Be patient. Be diligent.

Begin the daily habit of working Steps One, Two, and Three when you awake, and also
practice the maintenance Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve just before you go to bed, to
the best of your ability. (Suggestion: Say the CoDA Third Step Prayer daily and review
your day using the “Recovery Patterns of Codependence” on www.coda.org.)

Also keep track of your recovery progress on your Daily CoDA Program Journal. What
recovery areas need more of your attention?

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2023 Co-Dependents Anonymous,
Inc. All rights reserved. 1 of 17
 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2023 Co-Dependents Anonymous,
Inc. All rights reserved. 2 of 17
 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
1. Read Step Four on pages 41-49 and whom you can call on a regular
Step Five on pages 49-52 in Co- basis)
Dependents Anonymous. Get the big ● "Let Go & Let God" (turning
picture of these CoDA Steps. things over to your Higher Power)
● Positive Affirmations
What attitudes are you striving to have
while you do your inventory? How can What other recovery tools would you like
you use Steps One, Two, and Three to to put in it? Discuss.
do Step Four? This inventory process is
one of the most loving things you can do 4. Your courage to complete Step
for yourself. You are about to embark on Four doesn't come from the absence of
THE GREAT ADVENTURE of fear but your willingness to walk through
Discovering The Lost Parts Of it. Ponder and discuss the recovery
YourSELF! Write in detail about a past saying: “F-E-A-R stands for Face
adventure that you genuinely enjoyed. Everything And Recover.” Put this
affirmation in your Recovery Toolbox.
2. Read the section on pages 117-118,
“What is meant by bottom-line 5. On pages 41-42, re-read the two
behaviors?” What eight triggers are listed paragraphs starting with “Moral inventory
in this section? Which are your of ourselves … ” Are you willing to look at
codependent triggers? How are they your past behaviors without being critical
detrimental to your emotional sobriety? of yourself? or harsh? or abusive? Is it
Write about these in your journal. okay for the uncomfortable feelings you
Discuss. have been avoiding for so long to come
up to the surface now to be healed? What
3. Do you have a "Recovery Toolbox?" is your Step Four focus? What is your
Let's fill it with tools to help you direction? Discuss why this inventory
cope, tools to shift your thinking and must be only of yourself.
reactions thus preventing you from acting
out bottom-line behaviors in the future. Discuss these dysfunctional roles in
As you become more accountable for codependence: rescuer, offender, and
your behaviors and actively work to victim
change them, your fear and shame
subside. What recovery tools have you ❖ Re-read the section on pages 117-
collected so far? 118 in the Co-Dependents
Anonymous blue book. Also read
Some examples are: page 123. One of our codependent
bottom-line behaviors is “trying to
● HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, rescue others.” Think about being a
Tired) rescuer. What are the imagined
● Power of Five (your own network benefits of rescuing? What does a
of at least five people who support rescuer believe to be true? What does
you in recovery and to a rescuer get out of rescuing?

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2023 Co-Dependents Anonymous,
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
What do they assume? How do they stop longing for others to make us
speak? How do they act? Can the happy and look to ourselves and our
rescuer ever end up as the victim? God.” What does a victim get out of
How is this chaos “a maze of our own being a victim? What does a victim
creation?” Discuss. believe to be true? What does a victim
sound like? What do they say? How
❖ Read pages 60-61, “We’re not do they act? How is a martyr the
helpless victims or offenders same as a victim? How can a victim
anymore.” Next read pages 30-31, become the same as an offender?
“Where did I learn to express these Discuss.
behaviors which are often
communicated in the extremes from Read the sections on pages 115-116.
silence to violence?” Also read the How can you step back and detach with
section on page 113, “If we encounter love when you are feeling the insanity of
a perpetrator or major offender who codependence?
does not respect our boundaries, then
it might be necessary to create a ‘wall’ 6. Read the two sections on pages
between us and that person for our 118-119, “What is a shame spiral?” and
personal safety.” Offenders can "What is fear of shame?" What seven
become resentful when others action steps do you need to take to
decline their help. They can also get counteract a shame spiral? Write about
resentful when others reject their these steps in your journal. Put these in
advice. Offenders do not respect your Recovery Toolbox.
others’ boundaries. Think what it is
like to be an offender. What does an Read the three paragraphs on page 49
offender get out of criticizing or beginning with "When we look..." Many of
attacking the victim? What does an us learned shame messages about
offender believe? What attitude does ourselves from our childhood. We
an offender have? What do they say? believed lies. We confused “making a
How do they speak? How do they mistake” with “being a mistake.” These
act? How can an offender become the messages are categorically untrue. How
same as a victim? Discuss.
will practicing accountability and
responsibility minimize your
❖ Read page 49, “Today, we’re not codependency and feelings of shame?
victims. We can't blame people, Write about this in your journal.
places or things for our problems or
codependent behaviors anymore.” 7. Read the section on pages 104-106,
Next, read the section on pages 122- “What does childhood have to do with our
123, “What’s the difference between lives today?” We are searching for clarity.
blame and accountability?” “As long As we take a long hard look at ourselves,
as we blame other people, we’re deeply buried feelings may begin to
powerless to do anything constructive surface, bringing about the awareness
toward recovery.” “We that in the past we have acted as victim
or victimizer due to our

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2023 Co-Dependents Anonymous,
Inc. All rights reserved. 4 of 17
 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
childhood experiences. Write in your experiencing the innocence of life,
journal the feelings and insights that curiosity of nature, and the spirit of who
come up for you. Share with your CoDA you truly are?
sponsor, co-sponsor, Step study group,
or nonjudgmental friends from your To keep a balance between both the
meetings. Parent and the Child within you, read the
section on pages 108-110, “What is
8. Read and study the three paragraphs meant by parenting ourselves?” What is
on page 42 beginning with "Until now, the main intention as we re-parent
.... " Meditate on the words “Spiritual ourselves? What is self-talk? What is
Journey.” In your meditation, vibrantly inner dialogue? What issues does your
visualize yourself in a gentle deep inner child still have that needs healing?
cleansing process. Write in your journal Discuss.
(or draw a picture) what came up for you.
Write a letter from your inner child to
As you begin this journey on the road to your loving inner parent asking to get
recovery, your purpose is to discover the your needs met. Discuss with your CoDA
deeply rooted source of your own sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step study
codependent characteristics. To do this, group. Put it in your Self-Care Kit.
you must be patient, loving, and forgiving
of yourself. Which of those three traits (Example: To My Loving Inner Parent, I
would you like to be strengthened in you? feel your calm, loving presence inside
How would you like to go about that? me. Please guide me to be more kind,
gentle, and accepting of myself. Remind
9. In your journal describe recent me that I do have value and worth.
experiences of trusting the care of your Encourage me to really listen to what I tell
loving Higher Power. Who else in your life myself about me, to challenge my critical
do you know that has demonstrated inner voice, and consciously care for my
gentleness and care in their relationships precious child within. Support me to find
with themselves and others? Would you courage to stay in touch with my feelings
be willing to use their examples of gentle and discover my authentic needs. Assist
and loving attributes as role models for me to be patient as I work through my
your own recovery? Share your insights emotions. As I heal, I will take better care
about this with your CoDA sponsor, co- of myself with consistency and serenity.
sponsor, or Step study group. However, when I am fearful or indifferent,
please challenge me to try. Inspire me to
10. On pages 107-108, read the section give myself a kindness break when I
“What is the child within?” Are you willing judge myself too harshly. Please
to embrace and accept this part of you motivate me find balance on the teeter-
that is often unpredictable? Do you want totter of my reality, knowing that I AM
to get back in touch with good enough. As I learn to love myself
unconditionally, help me remember
PROGRESS ... NOT PERFECTION.
With appreciation,

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
sincerity, and gratitude, [Signed: Your 13. Read the section “What are
Name]) boundaries?” on pages 110-114. Also
obtain a copy (or download from
11. Re-read pages 42-45 beginning with coda.org) the CoDA pamphlet
"Step Four may appear overwhelming "Establishing Boundaries in Recovery."
…" It states that Step Four is a form of Read and thoroughly discuss each
emotional surgery requiring gentleness paragraph.
and care. We are learning to separate
and appreciate our innate goodness from Effectively creating, communicating,
our unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. and maintaining your own healthy
Visualize yourself going through boundaries is essential for your recovery
emotional surgery, always treating from codependency. Put these seven
yourself with gentleness and care. Write boundary categories in your Recovery
about what came up for you during your Toolbox: Physical, Emotional,
visualization. Starting today, put aside all Intellectual, Spiritual, Sexual, Time, and
self-condemnation. Money.
12. Re-read pages 42-45. Read the list Why is it your responsibility to set and
of codependent behaviors on page 44 maintain boundaries? Next time you
out loud to yourself, slowly, thinking watch yourself getting angry, confused,
about how each might or might not have or uncomfortable, ask yourself “Where do
been in your life. Write in your journal I need to set a better boundary?” Share
what came up for you. What memories your insights with your CoDA sponsor,
surfaced? There are always two sides to co-sponsor, or Step study group.
every situation. We have all reacted or
responded to mistreatment by others and 14. Discuss the concept of external
so it’s easy to rationalize or justify some boundaries. Think of your physical body
of our codependent behaviors. How does as you exist in time and space. What is a
this only serve to maintain and continue personal comfort zone? Think about your
your codependency? Are you willing to physical boundaries at home, work,
look at your part in the dance? traveling, and recreation, etc. Include the
Stepping Stone on the Path: Boundaries dimensions of healthy exercise, nutrition,
“The most important point to remember in plus having healthy time and financial
establishing boundaries is we need to listen boundaries. What physical boundaries
to and fully consider our own feelings first –
not other people’s.” Discuss. As recovering
are you comfortable with? What physical
codependents, we need to continually boundaries are you uncomfortable with?
reassess our boundaries and reset them as In what ways would you like to take better
necessary. Read the CoDA pamphlets care of yourself in these areas? Share
“Establishing Boundaries in Recovery” and your insights with your CoDA sponsor,
“Communication and Recovery.” Look on
coda.org for download. Discuss with your
co- sponsor, or Step study group.
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, Step study
group, or others at your meeting.

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
Boundaries can also be in relationship statements to “I” statements, we say “I
subcategories based on safety and trust. noticed...,” “I feel..,” and “I need...” This is an
effective skill which brings clarity, dispels
Examples: acquaintances are people we enmeshment, and sets boundaries so we can
barely know or have little contact with, more easily identify what is our stuff and what
companions are people with whom we is another person’s stuff.
share common activities, friends are
people who have earned some of our 15. Read pages 112-113. Discuss the
trust, close friends are people we can concept of internal boundaries. What is
trust with our heart, an intimate partner is self-containment? What is emotional
safe and has earned trust to be in our safety? How can you ensure that your
inner circle, our higher self deserves our self-worth is not diminished by another
personal trust & respect, and our Higher person’s words or behavior? It is
Power deserves ultimate trust with life healthier to not internalize others' words,
itself. (Note: It is not always appropriate messages, or actions until you can
to have “family” as a trust category due to determine if any of it is hurtful or not.
the fact that some family members are What other people think or say about you
not trustworthy. And so, a family member is none of your business. If it is loving,
may belong in any of the trust categories. you can bring it into your heart. If not, let
It may be appropriate for a family it drop. With your Higher Power’s help,
member to be in the trusted “close friend” you can discover your intrinsic self-
category. Conversely, a family member worth. What visualizations can you use to
may need to earn back trust and protect yourself?
therefore belongs in the “not- so-trusted
acquaintance” category.) Memorize these five internal
boundaries and put them in your
Review the last two paragraphs on page Recovery Toolbox:
111 finishing up on page 112. Write
about your sexual relationship history. ● I know where I stop, and you begin.
Was it selfish or not? Was there any ● I know what is my business and what
sexual abuse or boundary violations? is none of my business.
What are healthy sexual boundaries? ● I know the difference between my
Discuss. Share your insights with your emotions and others’ emotions.
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step ● I recognize what is and what is not
study group if you feel comfortable. my responsibility.
(Extra Credit: On page 103 read the ● I am aware of what is and what is not
section "What is ‘Thirteenth Stepping?’") comfortable or safe for me.

Stepping Stone on the Path: What comes up for you when you hear
It is imperative to develop healthy these internal boundaries? How do you
communication boundaries in all our personal feel? Visualize yourself saying these
interactions. All of us suffer from this “dis- boundaries out loud to other people. Also
ease of perception” to some degree. We all visualize stating these boundaries
have stuff. When we change our inner talk
and outer talk from “you”
silently to yourself when you are fearful or
communicating with an unsafe

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
person. Write your insights in your boundaries with your CoDA sponsor, co-
journal. sponsor, or Step study group.

16. Read the bottom paragraph on page 22. Are you willing to take very good
112 beginning with "We use internal care for yourself, create emotional safety,
boundaries in various ways... " What is a and know inner peace? Write a list of
healthy amount of personal and/or twenty-one loving goals for yourself.
financial information to share with an (Name three ways in each boundary
intimate partner? a close friend? family category you would like to take better
members? children? colleagues? or new care of yourself.)
and/or social acquaintances? Write your
insights and new awareness in your ● physically
journal. ● emotionally
● intellectually
17. Read and study pages 113-114. ● spiritually
Discuss this idea: “We allow others to ● sexually
have their own thoughts, feelings, ● financially
opinions, behaviors, beliefs, and ● management of your time
spirituality.” Are you willing to be
responsible for your own emotional, Share with your CoDA sponsor, co-
mental, and spiritual boundaries? What sponsor, or Step study group. Put this list
comes up for you? Discuss having of loving goals in your Self-Care Kit or
respect for others' boundaries. God Box as mentioned in the “30
Questions.” Ask your Higher Power for
18. Discuss the saying, “'’NO!’ is a help achieving these. Do your part then
complete sentence.” "Let Go & Let God."

19. Practice communicating a healthy 23. With practice, setting healthy

boundary aloud in a gentle yet firm way boundaries comes more easily and helps
which is safe for you and respectful of free us from our self-defeating patterns of
them. codependency. Today, while looking into
your own eyes in a mirror, with
20. Ponder the statement on page 113, confidence and self-care, practice setting
“... if someone hasn’t dealt with their own at least three healthy boundaries
lack of boundaries, they probably will not (promises to yourself) stating out loud:
recognize boundaries in others.” Discuss. a) I love myself, therefore…
b) I love myself, therefore…
21. What is the difference between a c) I love myself, therefore…
“boundary” and a “wall?” When is a wall
avoidance and a detriment to your ability What was that like for you? How did that
to have healthy relationships? When is a feel? Discuss with your CoDA sponsor,
wall necessary and appropriate? co-sponsor, or Step study group.
Discuss. Share your insights about
Stepping Stone on the Path:

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2023 Co-Dependents Anonymous,
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
Discuss the principle of “balance.” In a you? How do healthy boundaries apply to
thorough inventory, we are encouraged to these topics? Discuss.
list both our assets and our liabilities. Name
five attributes that you like about yourself.
Keep this POSITIVE list in your Self-Care Kit. 26. Obtain and read the CoDA pamphlet
Keep adding to this list from time to time. "Communication and Recovery." Read
and thoroughly discuss each paragraph
24. Study the list of codependent with your CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or
behaviors on page 44. Describe what Step study group.
each behavior could look like within
physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, Using clear concise and honest
and sexual boundaries. communication, asking for clarity, and
practicing healthy communication skills
Let’s take lying for example: are all part of a solid foundation for your
● lying physically might be hiding my recovery program. How does blaming,
actions from others. criticizing, and/or making demands
● lying emotionally may be telling undermine healthy and loving
myself or others “I'm FINE,” when I'm communication? Are you willing to
not. negotiate authentically in your
● lying intellectually may be expressing relationships with others? Discuss. Write
a lie overtly or covertly to manipulate about this in your journal.
the flow of information or avoiding a
confrontation. Discuss the saying “clarity is loving and
● lying spiritually may be believing “I’m mixed messages are abusive.” Has
not enough” or believing “I’m a anyone ever given you a vague or mixed
mistake.” message? Conversely have you ever
● lying sexually may be saying “yes” given yourself a mixed message and not
when I really want to say “no.” been clear with yourself? How did that
feel? What was the outcome? How would
Now explore your own meanings to all clarity have worked better in that
the words on this list. Did you think of any situation? Write about this in your journal.
additional unhealthy behaviors?
Jealousy? Bullying? Have you ever experienced unhealthy
communication containing:
This can be a spoken or written exercise. ● silence or violence?
Take your time. Share your feelings and ● blaming or not taking responsibility?
insights about this exercise with your ● criticizing?
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step ● demands or threats?
study group.
How do these cause communication to
25. Read the three sections on pages suffer?
114-116. “What is enmeshment?” “What
is detachment?” and “What is the Discuss the benefits of using
difference between detachment and compassionate communication.
avoidance?” What insights came up for

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
● making observations instead of Stepping Stone on the Path:
judging, The grieving process can manifest as denial,
bargaining, anger, sadness or depression,
● expressing feelings knowing they and finally acceptance. Put this process in
are caused by your needs your Recovery Toolbox.
● making requests to get your needs
met instead of making demands 28. When we accept our true feelings
● negotiating win / win (or no deal) about the past and grieve the loss of what
strategies did and did not happen, it loses its power
over us. We learn to accept our past just
Stepping Stone on the Path: as it occurred. To “accept” does not
So far we have discussed 1) reparenting your mean we have to like it. When we accept
inner child, 2) healthy boundaries, and 3)
healthy communication skills. As we go
what took place and see how we
forward, we will begin to see that 4) loving responded, we gain clarity. Sometimes
ourselves unconditionally, 5) grief work, 6) grieving the "death of a dream" is more
developing positive self-worth, and 7) painful than grieving what actually
integrating our disowned parts are also happened. Are you willing to grieve?
needed for the deeper healing of your
codependent patterns. Put these topics in
your Recovery Toolbox. 29. Read the section on pages 124-125,
“How do I apply my recovery to my
27. Loving Ourselves Unconditionally relationships?” All healthy relationships
and The Grieving Process: Discuss the require your consistent time, patience,
affirmation “The pain that I might feel by attention, and nurturing.
remembering cannot be any worse than
the pain I feel by knowing and not Discuss how you can:
remembering.” In the safety of recovery ● effectively set healthy boundaries
we become willing to heal by ● communicate with others safely and
compassionately acknowledging our respectfully
original painful experiences and setting ● responsibly share feelings, wants,
intentions for healthy experiences in our and needs in relationships
future; to let the iced up, frozen feelings
from our past melt away so that Share your insights and plans with your
eventually only love and peace remains CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step
within us. This may be a sporadic or study group.
ongoing process. However, it is only
possible to do this deeply if you truly love 30. Read the last three paragraphs of
yourself unconditionally. Step Four on page 49 beginning with
"When we look..." Focus on the last
Discuss the principle of unconditional paragraph. What is the definition of the
love. Write about this in your journal. Are word “humility?” It is a guiding spiritual
you willing to love yourself principle of our recovery.
unconditionally?
How is humility:

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
● The opposite of judging or How many people are on your list? Leave
criticizing? lots of space for writing. Also, is there any
● The opposite of better than or less other person (present or past) with whom
than roles? you would feel uncomfortable if they
● The opposite of rightness or came into the room? Add them to your list
wrongness attitudes? also. Just create the empty matrix right
● The opposite of blame or shame? now. There will be plenty of time to fill in
● The opposite of control or the other columns and rows.
manipulation or making demands?
32. Taking the inventory: You can do
How does humility relate to equality? this! Take it slow and easy. We are going
Write about this in your journal. Discuss. to take one pattern at a time.
[Suggestion: Begin each session with a
Stepping Stone on the Path: prayer inviting your Higher Power to look
There are many methods to complete Step at this with you. Remember your
Four. There is no right or wrong way. We relationship history with this person. Ask
suggest using the matrix as described in
questions Q31 and Q32 to examine your yourself questions about your behaviors
relationships, both present and past. [Also with each person on your list. Some of us
see example on pages 46-47 in Co- set a timer and spend 10-15 minutes at a
Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition] You time, no more than three times a day.
can do this! You are worth it! Take a deep Others use their own momentum. So if
breath. Take baby steps. Rely on your Higher
Power to lead you on this sometimes difficult you feel like continuing, don't shut it off.
inward journey. Choose your own way.]

31. Making the list: Take blank paper 33. CONTROL PATTERNS:
and make five columns across the top of (Suggestion: read this question
each page: thoroughly before starting; decide which
● Name/Relationship patterns apply to you)
● My Codependent Patterns (pages 4-
7) ● Have you ever believed this person
● My Actions & Behaviors (refer to the was incapable of taking care of
list on page 44) themselves?
● My Underlying Feelings (for example: ● Have you ever attempted to convince
sad, angry, frightened, shame, guilty, this person what to think, do, or feel?
defiant, arrogant, fear of not being ● Have you ever thought you knew
good enough, etc.) better how this person should be
● Consequences To The Relationship living their life than they did?
● Have you ever freely offered advice
Make Page #1 for your Higher Power and and direction to this person without
Page #2 for Self. Also make pages for being asked?
your partner/mate, ex-partners, children,
friends, family members, co- workers,
and people with whom you participate in
your various activities.

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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
● Have you ever become resentful abuse and control?” Discuss how Control
when this person declined your help Patterns are abusive.
or rejected your advice or requests?
● Have you ever lavished gifts and Re-read the section on pages 122-123
favors on this person? Did you want “What is the difference between blame
to influence them? manipulate them? and accountability?” What does taking
or rescue them from having their responsibility feel like? How do
negative feelings and/or responsible people talk? How do they
experiencing negative act? What do they believe to be true?
consequences? When we stop longing for others to make
● Have you ever used flirting or your us happy, we can look to ourselves and
appearance to seek sexual attention to our Higher Power. Write about this in
to gain this person's approval and your journal. Share your insights with
acceptance? your CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, Step
● Have you ever had the desire to feel study group, and at a CoDA meeting.
needed in order to have a relationship
with this person? Asking yourself the following questions
● Have you ever demanded that your may also be helpful:
needs be met by this person?
● Have you ever used charm and ➢ Do you have any resentments toward
charisma to convince this person of this person? What are they? What
your capacity to be caring and vulnerable feelings are buried under
compassionate? your resentments?
● Have you ever used criticism, blame,
or shame to exploit this person ➢ Have you ever taken this persons’
emotionally? inventory? Have you ever judged this
● Have you ever refused to cooperate, person as not being good enough?
compromise, or negotiate with this Have you ever offered them advice
person? and guidance without being asked?
● Have you ever adopted an attitude of Have you ever told them what is
indifference, helplessness, authority, wrong with them? Have you ever felt
or rage to manipulate outcomes with frustration when they refused your
this person? offers to help? Have you ever felt
● Have you ever used recovery jargon anger or frustration when they saw
in an attempt to control the behavior the situation differently than you?
of this person?
● Have you ever pretended to agree ➢ Have you ever communicated with
with this person to get what you this person in the extremes from
wanted? silence to violence?

Read the sections on pages 120-122 ➢ Have you had money problems with
“What are physical and aggressive forms this person? What are healthy money
of abuse and control?” and “What are habits? Have you considered
non-physical and passive forms of

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
that unhealthy money issues can Continue with each person on your list.
affect a relationship? Have you ever Keep completing the columns to the right
given a gift to this person and then on each sheet. If you need help, ask your
had resentment later? Have you done CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step
favors for this person and then gotten study group for more clarity.
a resentment when they were not
grateful enough or they didn’t Stepping Stone on the Path:
reciprocate? Balance is the key to working the Fourth Step.
We are encouraged to list our assets and our
➢ Have you struggled with being right or liabilities. Name five more attributes that you
really like about yourself. Add them to your
being wrong with this person? Do you POSITIVE list in your Self Care Kit. Share with
have a deep need to be right or your CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step
perfect? Are you right and therefore study group.
they are wrong? Are they right and
therefore you are wrong? Were you 34. AVOIDANCE PATTERNS:
taught that “being right” meant you ● Have you ever acted in ways that
were safe, valuable, powerful, and in invited this person to reject, shame, or
control? It may feel frightening to express anger toward you?
imagine letting go of having to be ● Have you ever judged what this
right, but this is an old behavior based person thought, said, or did harshly?
on your codependent survival skills ● Have you ever avoided emotional,
and it no longer serves you well. physical, or sexual intimacy as a way
Discuss these ideas. to maintain distance from this person?
● Have you ever allowed addictions to
➢ Worry or obsession is another people, places, and things to distract
behavior you may have used to you from achieving intimacy in this
survive life. Do you have worries or relationship?
obsessions? What do you think about ● Have you ever used indirect or
during the day? If you could figure out evasive communication to avoid
everything that could possibly go conflict or confrontation with this
wrong, then can you be prepared for person?
everything? How does that work out? ● Have you ever diminished your
Can you see that worry is also a form capacity to have a healthy
of control? relationship with this person by
declining to use the tools of recovery?
➢ How is arrogance a form of control? ● Have you ever suppressed your
What is the difference between being feelings or needs to avoid feeling
humble and being arrogant? What is vulnerable with this person?
the difference between humility and ● Have you ever pulled this person
humiliation? How can honest humility toward you, but when they got close,
help you open the door to accepting pushed them away?
and loving yourself just as you are?

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
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Inc. All rights reserved. 13 of 17
 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
● Have you ever refused to give up your ● Have you ever not recognized the
self-will to avoid surrendering to a unavailability of this person to whom
power greater than yourself? you were attracted?
● Have you ever believed displays of
emotion were a sign of weakness? When we catch ourselves blaming
● Have you ever withheld expressions others, and accusing others, or repeating
of appreciation to this person? painful
patterns, we can recognize these
Continue with each person on your list. attitudes or behaviors as “red flags.” We
Keep completing the columns to the right can perceive them as gifts to help us
on each sheet. If you need help, ask your recognize that we may be in denial of
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step disowned feelings or dealing with
study group for more clarity. unresolved issues.
Stepping Stone on the Path:
Name five more attributes that you really like Read the first paragraph on page 48.
about yourself. Add them to your POSITIVE What is meant when it says, putting “ …
list in your Self-Care Kit. Share with your another person’s face on this individual,
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step study
not allowing us to see their true selves?”
group.
Are you willing to discover how you have
35. DENIAL PATTERNS: unknowingly created similar or unhealthy
● Have you ever had difficulty and abusive patterns within your adult
identifying what you were feeling relationships? Are you willing to become
about this person? accountable for these behaviors even
● Have you ever minimized, altered, or though you learned them from your
denied how you truly felt about this childhood?
person?
● Have you ever perceived yourself as Read the section on pages 119-120,
completely unselfish and dedicated to “What is projection?" How is projection a
the well-being of this person? denial pattern? Why is recognizing,
● Have you ever lacked empathy for the understanding and healing your
feelings and needs of this person? disowned parts vital to your recovery?
● Have you ever labeled this person
with your negative traits? Have you ever heard these sayings?
● Have you ever thought you could take
care of yourself without any help from ● “The Boney-Finger Disease”
this person? ● “Projection makes Perception”
● Have you ever masked your pain from ● “If you spot it, you got it”
this person in various ways such as
anger, humor, or isolation? Discuss these concepts. How do they
● Have you ever expressed negativity apply to codependency? Describe how
or aggression toward this person in these sayings relate to the deep inner
indirect and passive ways? healing work of integrating your
disowned parts.

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
Continue with each person on your list. ● Have you ever had difficulty getting
Keep completing the columns to the right started, meeting deadlines, and
on each sheet. If you need help, ask your completing projects?
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step ● Have you ever had trouble setting
study group for more clarity. healthy priorities and boundaries?

You now have a Higher Power who loves

Stepping Stone on the Path:
Name five more attributes that you really like you for who you are. How can ongoing
about yourself. Add them to the POSITIVE list use of positive self-talk and positive
in your Self-Care Kit. Share with your CoDA affirmations help heal your low self
sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step study group. esteem patterns?

36. LOW SELF ESTEEM PATTERNS: Are you aware of your own feelings? Are
● Have you ever had difficulty with you learning to listen to your intuition?
making decisions? with You can learn to honor yourself, inside
procrastination? with perfectionism? and out, without shame or criticism. Are
● Have you ever judged what you you willing to appreciate your individuality
thought, said, or done harshly as and let go of judgments and
never good enough? comparisons? Are you willing to seek out
● Have you ever been embarrassed to others who can accept you as you are?
receive recognition, praise, or gifts?
● Have you ever valued this person’s Many of us grow immensely from
approval of your thinking, feelings, performing CoDA service work. Are you
and behavior over your own? willing to participate in CoDA meetings
● Have you ever perceived yourself as and conferences to share your
not being a lovable or a worthwhile experience, strength and hope?
person?
● Have you ever sought recognition and How does setting loving goals for
praise from this person to overcome yourself and working toward them bring
feeling less than? greater positive self worth? As your self-
● Have you ever had difficulty admitting esteem flourishes, you will gradually be
a mistake? released from the fear of what others
● Have you ever needed to appear to think or feel. You can develop serenity
be right in the eyes of this person and and inner peace. You can start having
may have even lied to look good? fun.
● Have you ever been unable to identify
or ask for what you needed and Continue with each person on your list.
wanted? Keep completing the columns to the right
● Have you ever perceived yourself as on each sheet. If you need help, ask your
superior to this person? CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step
● Have you ever looked to this person study group for more clarity.
to provide your sense of safety?
Stepping Stone on the Path:

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
Name five more attributes that you really like 38. A Balanced Perspective Inventory:
about yourself. Add them to the POSITIVE list Read three paragraphs on pages 48-49
in your Self-Care Kit. Share with your CoDA
sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step study group.
beginning with "To thoroughly explore
and understand … ." We must also
explore our strengths, assets, and
37. COMPLIANCE PATTERNS: positive behaviors. On blank paper make
● Have you ever been extremely loyal, new grids with five columns. On these
remaining in harmful situations too new lists, add the people who did not
long? experience your codependent behaviors.
● Have you ever compromised your Identify your positive, healthy,
own values and integrity to avoid appropriate, and loving behaviors in your
rejection or anger from this person? relationship with each person.
● Have you ever put aside your own (Suggestion: Start by using the list of your
interests in order to do what this positive attributes you have been
person wanted? compiling. Also refer to the “Recovery
● Have you ever been hyper vigilant Patterns of Codependence” on
regarding the feelings of this person www.coda.org.)
and taken on those feelings?
● Have you ever been afraid to express 39. As you come to the end of your Step
your beliefs, opinions, and feelings Four and Step Five work, read the
when they differed from those of this sections on pages 116-117 “Am I ever
person? recovered from codependence?” and
● Have you ever accepted sex and/or “What is a codependent slip?” Write your
sexual attention when you really insights in your journal. Have you seen
wanted love? any of the codependent patterns
● Have you ever made decisions repeating over and over as common
without regard to the consequences? threads in your relationships?
● Have you ever given up your truth to
gain the approval of this person or to Read the last sentence in the last
avoid change? paragraph of Step Four on page 49
beginning with “From this place of
Continue with each person on your list. humility, we’ve become ready to
Keep completing the columns to the right complete Step Five.” Have you gained
on each sheet. If you need help, ask your humility and a healthier relationship with
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step yourself through this inventory process?
study group for more clarity. Discuss being "right-sized."

Stepping Stone on the Path: Re-read Step Five on pages 49-52.

Name five more attributes that you really like Discuss the principle of accountability.
about yourself. Add them to your POSITIVE
Also re-read the last three paragraphs on
list in your Self-Care Kit. Share with your
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step study page 52 in Step Five. “... we realize that
group. only through God's grace have we come
this far.” Discuss.

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
This may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be
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 WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS
Have you noticed that while sharing your experience deeper acceptance, humility,
answers to these questions with your and compassion for themselves. Is there
CoDA sponsor, co-sponsor, or Step someone with whom you can feel safe
study group, you have simultaneously sharing your secrets and who can be
completed Step Five? objective, loving, caring, and
compassionate with you?
In addition, you may wish to formally
complete a traditional Fifth Step. By 40. ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN
doing so, many codependents WORKING STEP SIX?

Congratulations!
You have come an incredible distance on your path of recovery!

Celebrate!!

WORKING CoDA’s STEPS FOUR & FIVE - USING THE 40 QUESTIONS [page numbers refer to Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition]
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