I dare not even tell my friends

what this relationship is really

like – The story of the
photographer, dead at 25, sends
a message to abused women
 A photographer of Festival „Bánkitó”, Krisztina Bertók, died at the
age of 25. After her suicide, her mother was faced with signs that
her daughter had been a victim of spousal abuse in her
relationship.

 After Krisztina’s death, police refused to perform a crime scene

inspection, quoting that she had died in hospital, not in her flat.
They also did not confiscate any objects from the flat.

 We spoke to the man with whom the woman had been in a

relationship up until her untimely death. He denied having abused
his girlfriend. He claims he was made a scapegoat.

 The woman’s mother advises everyone who feels stuck in an

abusive relationship to ask for help and quit it, whatever it takes.

One of the photographers of „Bánkitó” Festival, Bertók Krisztina,

who also worked as a model, died ont he 18th of July, 2023, aged
merely 25. After her death, her mother was confronted with signs
that her daughter had been a victim of spousal abuse in her
relationship. Suicide is always a complex, multifaceted tragedy, is
never the result of a single, clearly-defined reason, and according
to psychological tests that had been performed on Krisztina, she
had been suffering from untreated major depression for years.

Nonetheless, her mother believes it is important to talk about

abuse, because what happened to her daughter might give other
people in a similar situation a push to quit their relationship and
seek help.
Why are we having this conversation in the office of a law
firm?

Police refused to release any materials about my daughter. We

finally got hold of it with legal assistance, that is when I was faced
with the fact that they hadn’t called in the one who last spoke to
her for questioning.

Who was that?

Her boyfriend. Krisztina hadn’t been in touch with her father for 4
years, and he still was called in. The person who last saw her, and
with hom she had a fight right before the tragedy wasn’t. My
younger daughter had talked to the guy, and he told her that they
had had a fight, then he had gone out to eat something, and by
the time he returned…..I personally find it uncanny that a couple
has a fight that results in one of them killing herself, while the
other is not even slightly nervous and calmly goes out to grab
something to eat.

This boy….When they met in the summer of 2022, Kriszti told us a

lot of great things about him. He would always try to please her,
do the dishes, cook for her, do a lot of things many women
nowadays don’t get. She told us how nice he was, how much they
talked. Then at one point she sent me a picture of his hand
completely cut up, with deep lacerations across the back of his
hand, and told us that he had just had surgery because a glass
had cut his hand. I looked at his hand and asked why the
lacerations weren’t ont he inside if a glass had caused them. Then
she reluctantly admitted that in truth, he had beat the glass with
his fist. Then I told Kriszti not to stay with him, becuse if a man is
that quick-tempered and has impulse control issues that serious,
sooner or later he would end up hurting her too. She told me that
he „wouldn’t hurt someone he loves”. Then I asked her „What if
he won’t love you anymore?”. From that point onwards, Kriszti
didn’t tell me anything about their relationship.

What had Kriszti been like before she met the boy?

According to everyone who knew her, she was a girl who could
always stand up for herself. Her father did not apologize to her
(even though she had every reason to expect him to), so he did
not speak to him for four years. At one time she called me from
her workplce to tell me „I’ve quit”. „How come you’ve quit?”, I
asked her. She said „My boss was so rude to me that I told him
that he had better not expect me to stay there after he talked to
me like that”. And she quit, just like that.

But she also used to stand up for others, from a very early age.
She never turned a blind eye to abuse, she always voiced her
opinion. Six or seven years ago she filed a report to child
protection because of an abused baby. I have never known any
people who stood up so steadfastly for herself and others. But this
guy dismantled her personality so thoroughly that we could no
longer recognize her.

How did she change?

The man humiliated her, and the worst thing is that she actually
believed that he was right. She was left completely alone, becuse
she was so ashamed of that relationship that she no longer talked
to anyone about it.

When she came over for Christmas, Kriszti told us that she was
pregnant, and that she had no idea if she wanted to keep it or not.
She always used to live a responsible life, the guy simply did not
care about her, or use protection.Then, ont he 29th of December,
she miscarried, and the man simply left her alone, to her own
devices, like nothing had happened.

She didn’t even involve her sister?

Her sister kept trying to convincce her to break up, and she
always did promise that she would. Then we were elated, because
in all her relationships, she always used to be able to make the
choiced that needed to be made. But this guy was different. Each
time she broke up with him, as soon as he contacted her, she
went right back to him. She was unable to say no.

Had Krisztina had any pschological issues before?

At one time when she was around sixteen, she wanted to keep a
relationship secret. She couldn’t bear the secrecy and took a few
pills. She immediately told us, so she wasn’t in any real danger.
We took her to the hospital and she would go ont o keep in touch
with the hospital staff for years, and she even worked at a
psychiatry ward as a receptionist. Kriszti wasn’t a qualified
healthcare worker, but there were times when a patient went to
her for a new appointment, she noticed something strange and
asked the doctor to check if the patient’s medications were set up
correctly. It turned out she was right. That’s how much she strived
to help everyone around her.

Did she have a diagnosis? Was she depressed?

At the very end, she must have been, but she was never
diagnosed. That’s the other thing: she was the photographer of
Gábor Máté’s (famous hungarian psychiatrist) lectures, she
listened to his talks. She even worked as a layout editor for one of
his books, so she knew who to turn to, but she couldn’t do it.
When she was examined, the diagnosis said „stress-induced
cardiomiopathy” (broken heart syndrome)

Did she talk about suicide at all?

Not to me. If I had know, I would immediately have had her

committed, however she might protest, and I would have filed a
police report about the man for abuse. She told her sister a single
time that she had thought about killing herself but she had
changed her mind because she was strong enough to get over
this. Her sister didn’t tell me, becuse she was afraid that Kriszti
would end their confidential relationship.

She was so broken and damaged that she could no longer see the
real her. She never wanted to be a burden, I think she kept things
from me because she thought I had my own problems. The
policewoman also kept telling me that I should talk to my kids
more.

Had you ever received comments like that before?

When we were looking at the official documentation, the

policewoman told me that it would be better for me not to take
antidepressants because they dull my senses. Why would she give
me medical advice? When I told her I wanted to see the autopsy
report, she asked me „Why, what would you like to see, how big
her liver was?”

DId you, see, or do you, in retrospect, see any direct signs

that our daughter was contemplating suicide?

Just minutes before, she sent me short messages, like „What’s up?
How are you? Tell me about your day” and also his brother „How’s
summer? WOuld be nice to meet”, that kind of stuff.

Did you meet your daughter’s boyfriend after the suicide?

Yes I did, in the hospital, while Kriszti was in a coma. It was

extremely unnatural. Wherever I looked, I always saw him staring
right at me. I did not see a singled drop of tear, nothing, he just
stared. Even after days, I still had that strange feeling about him
staring at me, and thought about what might have gone on in his
head, what he saw in me. Then I realized that was when I
experienced the world’s greatest pain.

He refused to give back his key for days.When I held out my hand
at the ER-ward for him to give the key back, he turned his back to
me. He transferred enough money to my bank account to cover
any damages incurred in the flat, as if that would make us even.

Had there been signs of physical abuse?

According to the autopsy report, there was a 3 cm long, 1cm wide,

deep laceration on Kriszti’s ankle. Something penetrated her leg.
We don’t know when it had happened, she didn’t tell us anything.

Ont he 9th of July, the guy basically destroyed Kriszti’s flat, his
phone, the door. He broke her computer screen and threw the
pieces at her. The carpet was full of tiny splinters. He threws a can
of pudding at the wall so hard that even the ceiling was splattered
with pudding, at 3 meters 60 centimeters.

Kriszti contacted her sister to ask if she could lend her a phone
because the guy broke her own. Then her sister and her boyfriend
went over to throw him out and help Kriszti, but Kriszti did not let
them in. The guy was inside, and according to her sister, she had
faint strangulation marks on her neck and arm.

Her thighs were full of swollen, red markings, Kriszti even

photographed these later on. Her sister found them on her laptop,
and sent them to the police. These weren’t inflicted by hand, she
had a thick welt on her thigh. After that, her sister tried to get her
to file a police report but Kriszti said that the guy was acting in
self-defense because she was attacking him too.

He basically zeroed in on Kriszti. Gábor Máté says that predators

know who victims are. Even pedophiles don’t choose at random,
they are fully aware who the ones that will not report it are. Kriszti
had this strong, innate desire to save people. She saw the
damaged child in him who turned out wrong. She wanted to save
him, so to speak, by helping him change.

I have read numerous books about this since this happened,

obviously, I’ve also been looking for my own responsibility in all
this, trying to find what I’ve said or done to make her end up
attracted to and bonding with individuals like that. What traumas
might she have suffered in her childhood? She was my first child.
Her sister was two when my mother was diagnosed with
metastatic cancer. She always sought how she could take burden
off my shoulders. I only had quality time for her when I had less
burden. This influenced her personality to a large degree. She
thought she was only fit to be loved when she somehow deserved
it.

Do you know why the police ended up not talking to the

man?

The policeman in charge said that he wasn’t called in because

they didn’t know his address, all they had was a phone number.
He did not live here, he just studied in Hungary. WHen I sent his
address to the police, they brushed it off and said it was no longer
relevant.

Why did you decide to disclose all this to a journalist?

I would like women, or men, even, who re in a similar situation,

everyone who is in an abusive relationship, to choose themselves.
You don’t have to choose the other person, choose yourselves!
There are options, ask for help, and climb out of this hole, because
people who quit such a relationship are called „survivors” for a
reason. As for the abusers, whether they feed the abusive part of
their personality, or seek help and not become a monster who
ruins the lives of others, that’s their own choice. There is no
excusing someone like that, even if their behavior is rooted in
childhood trauma.

„I cannot escape him”

After Krisztina’s death, the police refused to perform a crime
scene inspection, quoting the fact that Krisztina died in the
hospital, not in her flat. They failed to confiscate any objects, even
 though the ORFK (Hungarian National Police) guidelines for
nonaccidental death treat the crime scene inspection and autopsy
separately, so her not having died at the scene is legally not a
sufficient reason to forego the crime scene inspection – says the
legal representative of the family, Finally, the family manage to
hack into Krisztina’s computer with third party help. Some
excerpts from notes found on the machine are quoted below:

Krisztina halála után a rendőrség arra hivatkozva nem végzett

helyszíni szemlét, hogy Krisztina végül nem a lakásában, hanem
kórházban halt meg. Nem foglaltak le tárgyakat sem. Holott a
rendkívüli halál esetén követendő rendőri eljárásról szóló ORFK
utasítás különválasztja a helyszíni szemlét és a halottszemlét,
tehát az nem magyarázat a szemle elmaradására, hogy Krisztina
a kórházban hunyt el, mondja Takács Krisztináék ügyvédje. A
család végül külső segítséggel feltörte a fotós számítógépeit.
Részlet a Krisztina egyik számítógépén talált feljegyzésből:

„A barátaimnak sem merek arról mesélni, hogy milyen valójában

ez a kapcsolat, mert szégyellem, nem tudok tőle szabadulni, nincs
ilyen opció, folyton vissza akarok menni, már tudom, hogy kellene
a segítség, lehet nehezen, de más rá tudna venni, komolyan, hogy
lehet olyannal, aki megaláz.”Krisztina egy másik jegyzetében így
írt a barátjáról:

„Azt mondja, hogy rossz ember. Kérdezem, hogy miért.

Verekedésről, agresszióról beszél, megijeszt. (...) Elmondja, hogy
az motiválta, hogy visszajöjjön hozzám, hogy látta hogy vagyok,
nem hiszi, hogy visszajött volna, ha nem látja.” (...) „Kérdezi, hogy
aggódok-e. Mindig érzi, ha baj van. (...) „Próbál nyugtatni, de nem
igazán hiszem el. Fenntartásokkal szükséges kezelni, azt hiszem.”

Krisztina húga levéllel fordult a BRFK Rendkívüli Haláleseti

Osztályához. Részletek a levélből:

 „A fiúnak valószínűsíthetően fontos, hogy mások mit gondolnak

róla, hogyan látják, az önértékelése sem stabil, ahogy Kriszti is
mondta ezt nekem, ezért mindig az odaadó, kedves részében
mutatkozott meg nekünk. Míg a saját árnyékos oldalával nem bírt
szembenézni, addig minden számára elfogadhatatlan
tulajdonságért és múltbeli cselekedetért megszégyenítette
Krisztit. Olyan jelzőkkel illette őt, minthogy kurva, ribanc.”
 „Kriszti egy telefonbeszélgetés során elmondta nekem, hogy
párjának igaza van, sikerült meggyőznie, hogy őt ezért soha senki
nem fogja szeretni, hogy nem érdemes szeretetre.”
 „Veszekedéseik az utóbbi időben sokszor csaptak át verekedésbe.
Mivel Kriszti szeretett fotózni, ezért megörökített sok mindent,
köztük a verekedések alatt szerzett nagyobb sebesüléseit is.”

„Az eljárás során többszöri próbálkozásra sem sikerült a megadott

telefonszámon a fenti személyt elérni, a tárcsázott telefonszám »A
hívott számon előfizető, illetve szolgáltatás nem kapcsolható«
hangjelzést adott, így nevezettel kapcsolatot felvenni nem
sikerült” – ez szerepel egy 2023. szeptember 18-i keltezésű
feljegyzésben egy rendőr őrnagytól. Takács Krisztina ügyvédje,
Tóth Attila Tas szerint ebben az ügyben a rendőrség hivatalból
észlelt egy bűncselekményt, súlyos testi sértést, miután
megismerte Krisztina húgának beszámolóját, illetve látta a fotót a
combsérülésről, de nem tett semmit. Feljelentést testi sértés miatt
végül az ügyvéd tanácsára Krisztina édesanyja sem tett, mivel
úgy ítélték meg, nem várható, hogy felelősségre lehet vonni az
elkövetőt.

A Budapesti Rendőr-főkapitányságnak is küldtünk kérdéseket,

többek közt azt, hogy miért nem hallgatták meg az eljárásban
Krisztina barátját, felmerült-e, hogy testi sértés
bűncselekményének gyanúja miatt eljárás induljon az elhunyt
halálát megelőző bántalmazására utaló jelek, beszámolók alapján.
Azt is megkérdeztük: előfordulhatott-e, hogy nem kellő
érzékenységgel, nem megfelelő hangnemben kommunikált a
rendőrség munkatársa az elhunyt édesanyjával. Innen azt a
választ kaptuk, hogy az információs önrendelkezési jogról és az
információszabadságról szóló 2011. évi CXII. törvény alapján nem
áll módjukban válaszolni.

A férfi bűnbaknak érzi magát

Kerestük a cikk témájával kapcsolatban a férfit, akivel Bertók
Krisztina a haláláig párkapcsolatban volt. Azon a telefonszámon,
amelyet a család ismert, nem kapcsolható előfizető. Elértük
ugyanakkor a közösségi médián keresztül, majd videótelefonon
keresztül beszéltünk arról, ő hogyan élte meg a párkapcsolatot és
Krisztina halálát.
Tagadta, hogy bántalmazta volna a barátnőjét, akivel a mindössze
egy évig tartó kapcsolatuk pár hónap után amolyan se veled-se
nélküled típusúvá alakult. Többször is próbáltak szakítani,
sikertelenül. Állítása szerint fizikailag sohasem emelt kezet
Krisztinára, arra pedig lényegében csak egy példa volt, hogy
becsmérlő szóval illette. A zúzódást megörökítő fotót egy olyan
veszekedésükkel magyarázta, amelyben egyikük sem tudja
pontosan, hogyan szerezte Krisztina a sérülést. A fotós maga úgy
gondolta – mondta a férfi –, hogy véletlenül belerúgott a
ruhásszekrény ajtajába.

Azt elismerte, hogy valóban volt egy olyan incidens, amikor

összetörte Krisztina monitorját, de szerinte ez reakció volt arra,
hogy a nő viszont az ő telefonját törte össze, illetve tettének
ahhoz is köze volt, hogy kinek az ajándéka volt a monitor. A férfi
szerint a konfliktusaik elsősorban a közös jövőjük útjába álló
kulturális különbségekből adódtak, illetve Krisztina családjával
kapcsolatosak voltak. Arról beszélt, hogy Krisztina valóban volt
bántalmazás és abuzív légkör áldozata az élete során, de az
elkövető nem ő volt, hanem más, munka révén megismert férfiak,
exek, családtagok.

Szerinte Krisztinát éppen hogy az őt vádoló édesanya

elhanyagolta, bántalmazta érzelmileg (azt mondta, tőle érkezett
Krisztina telefonjára az utolsó üzenet, amely elutasító tartalmú
volt – ezt az édesanya kategorikusan tagadja, szerinte az ő utolsó
üzenetét már el sem olvasta a lánya), és abuzív közegnek lehet
nevezni azt a szcénát is, amelyben Krisztina dolgozott, és amely
éjszakázással, sok stresszel járt. A férfi a maga részéről úgy éli
meg, hogy bűnbakot keres benne Krisztina édesanyja, ezért állítja
róla, hogy bántalmazta a barátnőjét, ami téveszme, és életeket
tesz tönkre. A tragédiában ezzel együtt lát saját felelősséget.
„Nem voltam képes az az ember lenni, aki megmenthette volna
őt” – írta. De szerinte visel felelősséget a fotós – egy kivételével -
valamennyi családtagja is, akik 25 évet töltöttek vele, ellentétben
az ő egyetlen közös évükkel. Azt ő maga is értetlenül fogadta,
hogy hivatalos megkeresést nem kapott senkitől.