i

Smörk the corpse (d66)

An assortment of items that may be found on corpses,
Smörk (d66)
11. Smörk
in pockets, or under logs. (Items marked with a [*] are 12. Smörkitist
“large” human-sized crap, not Smörk-sized.) 13. Smörkify
11-16 Another soggy bar napkin with an IOU from 14. Smörking
Deadbeat Smork scrawled on it (Worthless). 15. Smörkler
21 A sock with a patched hole in the heel. 16. Smïrk
22 3 Ninja stars. (1d4 damage, thrown) 21. Smörkhood
23 A partially filled dented metal flask. (d4 swallows 22. Smörked
of a random potion.) 23. Smörkopath
24 A half-used book of matches* from the “creaky 24. Smörk!
moose pub”. 25. $mörk
25 Small painted portrait of a nude spider. 26. Smörkable
26 A cursed pebble. (1 less luck each morning until it 31. Smörkily
has been skipped four times across a pond. If you 32. Smörklet
fail, it reappears in your pocket.) 33. Smörkize
31 One penny.* 34. Smörky
32 Satchel of tea - green tea with some unusual herbs 35. Smörker!?
mixed in, it smells like lavender. 36. Smörkalicious
33 A ruby shaped like a ladybug. 41. Smörk.
34 Eldritch pamphlet about some mysterious spell 42. Smörkophobe
called “sobriety” - clearly cursed. 43. Smörkous
35 A hand rolled cigar.* 44. Smörkless
36 A finely crafted (and only slightly) sticky 45. Mörk
breastplate made of a beer can. (tier 2 armor) 46. Smörk?
41 A golden kris knife. (2d4 damage) 51. Smörkism
42 An eyepatch with a small chip of glass inset where 52. Smörk...
the eye should have been. 53. Smörker
43 A bent paperclip.* 54. Smörkwise
44 A faerie’s bondage gear. 55. Smörk!?
45 Sack of charcoal dust that can be used for marking 56. Smörkopathy
things or can be compressed with spit or snot into 61. Smörkonym
a firestarter. 62. Smörk Smörk
46 Six partially fermented smörkfruit in a bedazzled 63. Smörkling
high heel shoe. 64. Smörkish
51 Exceedingly shrunken head.* (the size of a smörk.) 65. Smörkiatric
52 Book: the outhouse’s friend. 66. “Smörk”
53 A dead worm.
54 A gnawed gnoblin knob.
55 Mirrored sunglasses.
56 A stolen key to a locked door.
61 Three plague-ridden magic beans. (If planted, the
resulting blooms unleash a deadly plague across
the bosk, but geese start to shit gold.)
62 A necklace made from smörk ears.
63 A small derringer pistol* that can be held like a
huge hand cannon and fired one time. Does d12
damage to target and d6 damage to user.
64 Book: How to succeed. (Back half missing.)
65 Credit card bill*
66 A concentrated sap pouch.

ii
 greedy
rk B o rg is the
Smö lt.
tor’s fau
conduc

iii
 This is a

thing.

smörk borg
is an independent production by Squid Ink Games
and is not affiliated with Ockult Örtmästare Games or
Stockholm Kartell. It is published under the
MÖRK BORG Third Party License.

iv
 Created & Written by
Kristopher McClanahan and Craig Cannon
Interior Art by Kris McClanahan
Cover Art by Kris McClanahan
Book Design & Layout by Kris McClanahan
and Squid Ink Games

Published by Squid Ink Games

©2025, Squid Ink Games. All rights reserved.
Reproduction without the written permission of the publisher is expressly
forbidden, except for the purposes of reviews, and for any blank character
sheets, which may be reproduced for personal use only.
This book and its contents are a parody of dark OSR style tabletop
roleplaying games and saturday morning cartoons.
No infringement is intended or implied.

Created in the United States of America.

Digital Edition

MÖRK BORG is copyright Ockult Örtmästare Games and Stockholm Kartell.

Wee Fölk, Smörk Borg, and The Smörks are copyright Squid Ink Games

www.GetInkyGames.com
v
 Content Notes
Playing with smaller humans: Smörk Borg is intended for adults. It
contains content that may be objectionable to people of all ages, including
extreme violence, drug use, alcohol, substance abuse, dark magic, drug and
substance use and addiction, sexual and immature humor, cartoon nudity,
and many dark comedy or horror references.
However, at it’s heart, the game is designed as a loving tribute to the
cartoons that inspired it and can absolutely be modified to play well with a
younger or more sensitive crowd. Just don’t let them read the books. We also
encourage using the X Card mechanic to dispel any concerns about topics that
may arise during play.

New to Tabletop Roleplaying Games? Visit this link for an excellent

quick overview of the hobby, including safety tools:
https://ttrpgwelcome.carrd.co/

Smörk off if you are racist,

homophobic, transphobic, sexist,
a bigot, or a nazi. This book is
not for you. (I mean, really, you
probably don’t read books in
general....)

Ruminations on the remarkable

versatility of Smörk: Smörk is
capitalized when referring to a
specific Smörk or the Smörks
as a group. It can also be used
as an adjective, adverb, noun,
nonsense word, or exclamation
whenever you feel so inclined. In
those instances, it uses a lower case “s” in smörk. Smörk Borg!! is always
capitalized, but the exclamation points are optional and perhaps a bit
excessive as it is already.

Example: “Weird Smörk really smörked up when they smörked

Borgamel’s stash and brought it to the Smörk’s annual picnic.”

Editor Smörk’s note: As I smörked this game, I found myself pretty smörked at the lack of the
word smörk through most of the game text. I expected them to smörk better than this, but I
guess we will just have to smörk do. What more can we smörk for from smörking humans?

vi
 The world
of the Sm örk s
You are a SMÖRK. Not quite a gnome, too small to be a goblin, too
averse to glitter to be a faerie. You stand about one pint glass tall, are
bright yellow, hate wearing shirts, and smell faintly of petrichor and
fermentation.

The world calls you a number of unfortunate names, most of them

four-lettered, but as far back as you can remember – at least a week
or two – you’ve called yourself SMÖRKS, based on a word you found
written many times on walls, mirrors and bodies after you all woke
from an especially heavy night of drinking and Mushrüm taste-testing.
You also use the word in place of any other word that doesn’t spring
immediately to mind. It’s either really smörking versatile or you are all
a bit addled by indulgences. You and your kin live in…

1
 The Bosk
A dark, demented, largely deciduous forest. Towering trees with
thick, twisted bark and their large leafy canopy keeps most of
the undergrowth in shade. It teems with life of all sorts. Massive
deer, fleet chipmunks, glistening toads, and aloof wolves all
cross paths along the trails and streams, as well as more
unusual denizens of the Bosk.
Warty trolls lurk under boulders and sleek selkies in the
streams. The bosk is a place where magic converges, creating
chaos and beauty in equal measures. Toadstools grow giant
and creeping vines of brilliant red flowers smother trees, while
herbs and other plants unknown to man spring up in the fertile
undergrowth.
Despite this abundant life, humans rarely venture into the
forest to gather or hunt. It is a dangerous place, made more
treacherous by the presence of the mischievous Wee Fölk
that also live in the Bosk.

2
 Life a s th e
Wee
Fölk
None of the varied groups of Wee Fölk are overtly evil, though that
statement would be vociferously debated if brought up in mixed
company. The potential mix is wide in the Bosk in particular,
with groups of addled Smörks, manic faeries, lumbering ogres,
stiff gnomes, stingy leprechauns and more lurking behind every
mushroom or hollow log. They don’t particularly like each other, with
long-running feuds between them - many running so long that the
original offense has long since faded to myth. One thing that can be
agreed upon across any group of wee folk is that causing mischief is
fun, particularly causing it for other groups of folk. This usually causes
more mayhem than anything else, and none of them are very good at
boundaries or restraint. Many a yearlong war was started by a good-
natured stabbing or hilarious dose of deadly poison in the communal
pot of stew.

The Smörks, who excel at brewing alcoholic

beverages and mind altering substances
over anyone else are usually the center of
this chaos. Sometimes by chance,
sometimes on purpose and
sometimes because they passed
out under a rock that ended up
being a soon-to-hatch egg of an angry emu. They
don’t always mean to cause death or destruction,
but it usually comes along anyway.

3
 The Smörks live in small enclaves
of large carved mushroom
huts, houses made from
discarded trash, and
makeshift shanties that
they affectionately call
Smörkville, though
smörkville is often
wherever they all end up
for a week or two before
moving on.

They
aren’t exactly
itinerant, but they do
often find it easier to make a new house than remember where
their old village was.

Their days usually begin in late afternoon, when they stagger to

consciousness and immediately start looking for their next smörk.
Once that’s sorted, they usually tend to their wounds, scavenge
in the forest for more ingredients for their brews and stews and,
if time allows, play tricks on the other residents of the Bosk. By
nightfall they are well into their cups or assorted adventures,
eventually passing out and starting it all over the next day.

The Smörks and the Bees

The Smörks don’t have sexes. As the
foremost researchers of Smörks,
we can’t even say with any certainty
whether they have genitals at all. To
that end, the Smörk you play in the
game can identify as anything
you would like. Most of the time in this book, we will refer to the
Smörks as they/them and I would imagine you’ll understand who
we are talking about without any problems. The Smörks are non-
judgmental and accept all identities into their fold. They even had a
naked mole rat that had fallen in a bucket of yellow paint as a chair
on the village council until it rained. If anything, they most often
identify as addicts or drunks.

4
Creating your
Player Sm örk
In this world, you are small and (PS)
insignificant, but so is everyone
else. So why not have some fun
and cause a little chaos? No
one will remember your name
anyway.

You can make your own

Player Smörk or roll for one
of the available archetypes.
(Or pick your favorite – it’s
your smörking game, now.)

Create your own Player Smörk character (Smörk) by

rolling on the various tables over the next few pages:

1. Randomize your starting items and shit.

2. Randomize your duds.
3. Roll your abilities.
4. Roll your Hit Points.
5. You get d2 Luck Points.
5. Name your character.
Or ignore all of that and roll for one of
the premade Smörks on page 45.

5
 You have a hat made out of a dried black mushrüm, a skin of
wine with d6 swallows left, and d4 days worth of food. You
start with the following things. Everything else is yours to
steal, lose, or forget about.

:
Helpful Smörk sez
ount
a n in c r e asing am
ry ing
t h e s e le ts you car hatnot, but track ll
Each of ot or w r. We a
e q u ip m ent and lo ’s mostly for flavo pal to
of , so it ld rat
y is stupid just wants a fat o
inventor g
one rollin hem around.
know any follow t

How you carry your crap around:

1. bare hands
2. shove it in the waistband of your pants
(d6)
3. a woven grass pouch
4. a squirrel nut sack
5. a wheelbarrow
6. a lazy rat

Miscellaneous shit: (d12)

1. string 30 feet
2. Presence +4 wooden match torches
3. thimble lamp with oil for Presence +6 hours
4. concentrated sap pouch Presence +4 uses (stops bleeding/
infection and heals d6 HP)
5. random black magic
6. pencil nub
7. bomb (glass vial, d10 damage)
8. small spool of wire
9. punji spike trap urine soaked (Presence DR14 to spot, d8
damage)
10. lockpicks in leather fanny pack
11. wineskin of bad mushrüm wine d4 doses (Toughness DR12
or d6 damage and Bad Trip)
12. a diamond ring

6
 Vaguely more helpful items: (d12)
1. random Yellow Magic
2. concentrated sap pouch Presence +d6 uses (stops
bleeding/infection and heals d6 HP)
3. seven bitchy ladybugs that aren’t of much use to anyone
4. d2 Substances (roll on Substances table p.33)
5. necklace medallion worn as a breastplate (-1 HP damage
or can be destroyed to ignore one attack)
6. crowbar (d4 damage)
7. steel toe ring (prevents any damage to that foot)
8. marked card deck (-4DR on any card-based tests)
9. d6 Substances (roll on Substances table p.33)
10. grappling hook
11. d4 Substances (roll on Substances table p.33)
12. d4 strips of illicit smörked jerky*

Magic represents potions, spells, scrolls, drugs

and other weird shit. Read more on page 39

Pedantic Smörk sez:

I know wha
medieval? O t you are th
r modern? W inking. Is th
e setting
just matche hy do we ha
s, but also d ve torches th
does that on ynamite tha at are
e Smörk hav t is Smörk-s
is inconsiste e a pistol? Eve iz e d ? And
nt. It’s bette rything in th
the madness r to just roll is game
. But if you d with it and e
o ta k e the time to m b ra ce
way or anoth define it one
er, let me kn
ow and I’ll m
to your gam ove
e instead.

*You are a smörking cannibal, you monster! But, it turns out, you are actually
delicious after all. Borgamel was right! Smörkflesh is also marinated in their drug
of choice. For each strip you eat, heal d2 HP and gain the effect of a random item
on the substances table.
7
Weapons
(d 6 if

(d10)
y o u b egin with a Unarmed [d2]
1. frying pan [d4]
2. crowbar [d4]
3. sharp stick [d4] 12” reach
4. knife [d4]
5. sword [d6]
6. large hammer [d6]
roll) sc

7. bow [2d4] with

Presence +10 arro
8. halberd [d8] 8” ws)
reach
9. a bigger, cooler
, sword [d10]
10. Pistol [2d6] with
d6 bullets (revolver
)
8
 HEY, EVERYSMÖRK!
ACT NATURAL!

(1) (3)
(5)

(2)

Du ds
(d6) ma bottoms
(4)

(6)
1. Black footy paja ms
footy pajama botto
2. Stained black m s
oty pajama botto
3. Bloody black fo ms
Ri pp ed bl ac k fo oty pajama botto
4.
a bottoms
5. Red footy pajam
6. Jorts

m örk sez:
i o n S a hat,
Exposit r littl e m o r e than rgely
nd la
r e f e r to wea a bit of flair a ack when
sp d tr
Smörk bottoms, an less thing to ver since
o o t y o n e r e
t s
some f o r . I t’s also e to wear shi e.
ar m us acr
ignore . We also ref o shirt mass
i n g p o l
play the gre
at

(You can read more about armor on pg. 29. Creatures often still have it.)

9
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
EXPLOSIVES!!
Explosives do their listed
is in the “Close” range of
range, they take one hal
damage to any creature
the explosion. If they are
or Smörk that
in the “Near”

EXPLOSIVES!!
f of that damage (rounded
the listed damage one tim down). Roll
e, and that applies to all
the explosion. Armor doe affected by
s NOT protect the victim
s of explosives.
Some explosives have a
Wick that you light on fire.
an explosive, you must roll To light
a d20. If you roll a 1, it goe

EXPLOSIVES!!
prematurely in your hand! s off
If it is a Thrown explosive
, it goes off on impact.
If you Fumble on your Ag
ility test to throw it, the
detonates while it is in the explosive
air and you suffer the sam

EXPLOSIVES!!
someone in the “Near” ran e damage as
ge of the explosion.

10
10
!
!
!
! Lu ck
!
You don’t last very long when you are the
size of a burrito and bright yellow without
some luck on your side. Every archetype starts
with a certain number of luck points. Or d2 points if you

!
are making your own Smörk. Each time you pass out for at least
six hours, you can roll your Smörk’s assigned die and regain
that many points of Luck.
Each point of luck allows you to do one of these things:

! Deal maximum damage with one attack

Reroll any one dice roll – even other people’s rolls
Avoid damage dealt to you by d6 points

! Names
Completely ignore the effect of a crit or fumble
Lower a test DR by -4
Swig some Shrümshine

! Names for your Smörk?

It’s pretty simple – what’
your highest abilit y
s
or

!
l
defining feature? Just cal
tiv e
them whatever adjec
fits that best, followed
by the word Smörk.

!
y
Someone else alread
ab a
using that one? Gr
smörking thesaurus and
go to town!

11
 A bilities
AGILITY PRESENCE
dodge, defend, jump,
aim, charm, observe,
run away
intimidate

STRENGTH TOUGHNESS
smash, punch, wrestle, resist conditions, survive
hoist, drag falls, stay sober

Roll 3d6 and use this table to generate

ABILITIES:
each of your ability scores. They will 1-4 -3
range from -3 to +3. The sum of your
roll is never used again in the game,
5-6 -2
just the table value. 7-8 -1
The premade archetypes typically have 9-12 0
features that affect your final abilities. If you
are making a Player Smörk without using 13-14 +1
them, roll 4d6 and drop the lowest die for
TWO of your abilities. Roll 3d6 for the
15-16 +2
other two. 17-20 +3

12
 Tests
Almost every time you roll the
are rolling against a Difficul
and adjust the result based on
dice in Smörk Borg, you
ty Rating [DR]. You roll d20
your ability.
ed to smörk
To succeed on a test, you ne
r tha n the DR.
a result equal to or greate

Di ffi cu l ty Ra ti ngs
Creatures don’t have
6 Simpletons should be able to do
this, even smörkfaced drunk. ability adjustments,
they just roll a d20
Pretty routine, but there’s always against the Difficulty
8 a chance of smörking it up. Rating.

10 Like walking a straight line while pleasantly smörked. You

can totally do it, but you’d probably better roll anyway.

12 Normal difficulty
(Most Difficulty Ratings are rolled against this.)

dering one
14 Difficult. Like not or
more round at last
call.

16 Really smörking
hard.

Pretty much impossible.

18 Like going a day without
saying smörk.

13
 Hit Points
You start with Toughness +d8 in hit points.
(Worst case, 1 HP)

Zero HP = Broken
BROKEN (d4)
1. Pass out for d4 rounds, and wake up with d4 HP.
2. Roll a d6:
1-5 = a broken or severed limb.
6 = lost eyeball.
Smörked for d4 rounds, then you rouse yourself with d4 HP.
3. That’s not wine! Bleed out and die in d2 hours unless treated.
All tests are DR16 the first hour, DR18 your last hour.
4. You’re smörking dead.

Negative HP = Dead
Your little yellow corpse is food for the scavengers and
indiscriminating cannibals. Roll for a new Smörk and make up
some bullshit excuse for them stumbling across the party or take
over one of the NPSs in the party already.

14
14
VIOLENCE
Violence and combat wh
en you are facing off
the same size as you
against creatures roughly
straightforward. You
in Smörk Borg is pretty
who goes first. That
roll for initiative to see
s, and then the next
Smörk or creature attack
had a chance to hit
one does until you’ve all
at’s a ROUND. You
something or bleed. Th
until one side is dead,
continue combat rounds
y both decide to call
runs off, surrenders or the
it off and get a drink.

Roll d6
INITIATIVE

1-3 enemies go first

4-6 Smörks go first
If individual initiative needs
to be determined amongst
the party, roll Agility +d6.

15
15
 In Combat:
Players roll for both their attacks and defences. Creatures and
enemies don’t roll dice in combat unless they have a special
ability that dictates otherwise.
The DR for all combat rolls – attack and defence -
are still modified by abilities as with any test.

M E L EETH
TEST STRENG
DR
12
(Anything you hold in your hand
and smack against something else.
Knives, swords, sticks, axes, beer
bottles, etc...)

R NG
AT PRE ED
TES SENCE
DR
12
(Anything you launch towards an
enemy through the air. Arrows,
bullets, thrown rocks, javelins,
missiles, molotov cocktails, etc...)

16
16
DEFENCE
TEST AGILITY
DR
12
If you fail your Defence roll,
the enemy hits you. Enemies
can only attack once per round,
unless noted otherwise.

Crit&Fum
CRIT (natural 20)
Attack: Double damage dealt.
Defence: Smörk gains a free ext
ble
ra retaliatory attack.
FUMBLE (natural 1)
Attack: The weapon shatters or is lost.
Defence: The Smörk takes double damage.

Rounds
A round in combat is
typically long enough
to make an attack (or
do something similar)
and move a reasonable
distance.
Ten rounds in a minute
is a safe estimate.

17
17
 M orale
Most small and medium
enemies will not fight to
Roll for morale if:
• the leader is killed
• half the group is eliminated
• a single enemy has only 1/3 of
its HP remaining.
the last drop of blood.

If you roll greater than the creature’s morale

value with 2d6, it is demoralized.
Roll d6 to see if the enemy:
1-3 - skedaddles
4-6 - surrenders.

Large enemies often have much higher or more complex

Morale values. Not because they are more moral, but
because they are bigger and more stubborn. For details on
this, see the Large Enemy Combat rules on pg. 22.

Falling Down
Smörks are very good at
falling
down. They are lightweigh
t,
have thick skin and their
natural
state is loosey-goosey. The
y
take no damage at all wh
en
falling from a height of five
feet
or less. When they fall fro
ma
taller height, they roll a d20
.
On the result of a 1, they
fall awkwardly and take
d6
damage. Otherwise, they
stumble to their feet a
bit addled but otherwise
unharmed. Sometimes it’s
handy to be able to fall out
of a tree or leap from a roo
f to
avoid a peckish pigeon.

18
18
 8

Measurements & Range

Measurements and Scale: Most distances and lengths in this
game are in feet and inches. It is important to remember that 7

something a “foot” in length for something small like a Smörk

is more like the equivalent to twelve feet to a human. To
simplify this, we’ve kept most things at a 1:12 scale, where one
inch is the Smörk equivalent of one foot for a human.
Obstacles like a table leg or small stream present an entirely 6
new set of challenges for something the size of the Smörks.
They’re used to living like this and have become rather adept
at scampering up drainpipes and tree trunks, but the size
difference does allow for an entirely new set of challenges
and adventures when the sense of scale is taken into account.
5
Range: Smörk Borg does not use any kind of complex
distance rules when it comes to combat – things are
either Close, Near, or Far away.
If you need to track this
type of thing, here are a
4
few guidelines for it:

Close: Within touching distance. Can use

any melee weapons, administer potions,
share a flask, etc.
2
Near: At least a foot away – Can likely
hit them with weapons labeled “reach” but
otherwise, a ranged weapon is needed. Can be heard easily and
you can reach them in a few hops or skips.
Far: Only ranged or thrown weapons can be used. Far covers a
1
pretty wide swath of space and it will fall to the players and SM to
determine whether you can smörk something or if it is too far away.

19
19
 Pass Out
ut
Catch your breath,
slump into a pile, or
smoke a stem.
Restore d4 HP.
Without food, drink, or drugs
beforehand, no HP is restored
when passed out, and after two
A full night of days on the wagon, a dry Smörk
unconsciousness loses d4 HP per day.
restores d6 HP. An infected character cannot
get drunk enough to pass out
and does not benefit. Instead,
they lose d6 HP daily.

Reaction (2d6)
Not everything a Smörk
2-3 Kill and devour!
4-6 Angry and hungry
encounters on their 7-8 Indifferent but peckish
adventures wants to
eat them. Roll on this 9-10 Almost friendly
table when a creature’s
reaction is uncertain.
11-12 Would buy you a round

20
 Getting slightly better
You probably won’t live long enough to worry about improving
yourself, so there’s no point in tracking experience points or any
of that smörking nonsense. But if you do something rad, or kill
something that should have killed you, or return to the village in
glory, the Smörkmaster might decide you deserve a certificate of
achievement of some sort. If they do, they can allow you to do any
or all of these things:
Some loot: (d6)
More HP al 1-3. nothing
Roll 6d10. If the result is equ 4. 1d6 sap
n you r cur rent
to or greater tha
l a d6 and 5. a random black magic
maximum HP, rol
increase it by that much!
6. a random yellow magic

Ability changes
Roll a d6 against all of your abilities.
Results equal to or greater than your
current ability increases it by 1 to a
maximum of +6. A roll
below the ability value
decreases it by 1.

Abilities from -3 to +1 always go

up by one UNLESS you roll a 1.
Then that decreases the ability
by 1, but never below -3.

tic Smörk sez:

Pedan Yep, you can end up
ring this step. It
with lower abilities du
lled muscle or
represents an injury, pu
rued in the
other damage you’ve acc
igans. Maybe you
course of your shenan
g careful.
should be more smörkin

21
 Large
Enemy Combat
When you face a creature that is
much larger than you, a new set of
rules comes into play. Fighting a
human is a much different proposition
than facing off against an irritated ferret.
Combat rounds work the same way,
and you will still use the same rules for
attacking and dodging damage.
However, Large Enemies take damage
and determine their morale in a
different way.
Large creatures are easy to
hit but hard to damage. They
have trouble hitting you but do
massive damage when they do.
They have regions of damage
(legs, arms, head, torso, etc)
and their Morale is affected by
damage to certain parts of their
bodies, with cumulative damage
done to their overall HP.

Unless the enemy has an element of surprise, the swift

INITIATIVE

Smörks will always have initiative on large enemies. They

can also use this advantage to immediately flee combat
without the enemy attacking if they decide the battle isn’t
an
worth the risk. (This doesn’t mean they won’t have to find
escape or that the enemy won’t pursue them...)
22
22
 Parts
Parts indicates any significant piece of the enemy that you can
target during combat. They each have their own HP stat and all of
their parts combined make up their overall HP. Most enemies have a
Torso, which has the most HP.
The rest of the HP is divided up
between their Head and their Limbs H: HEAD
(arms, legs, wings, tails, and other
HP:6
significant body parts
you can attack).
T: TORSO
HP:13

P: ARM
P: ARM HP:5
HP:5

P: LEG P: LEG
HP:5 HP:5

23
23
 Attacking a Large Enemy
Players roll for their attacks as normal, but they must target a
specific part of the enemy, stating it ahead of the roll. Because
of their size, large enemies are DR8 to hit.

M E L EETH RANGED
TEST STRENG TEST PRESENCE
DR DR
8 8
You may only target a part of a
large enemy that you are in direct You may only target a part of a
contact with. large enemy that is within two
body parts of your location.

n make when
m b at move they ca
an additio n al co scurry up
Smörks have B . T h is al lows them to
L IM
e enemies: C vital organ.
fighting larg a b et te r va n tage point or
reach
the enemy to

MLITYB
CTESLTIAGI
DR
10
If you succeed, you can climb
to an adjacent body part on
the enemy. If you fail, you are
knocked off of the enemy and
onto the ground. (See Falling
Down pg. 18)

24
24
LARGE ENEMY DEFENCE mal-
ence stat to roll against like nor
Rather than having a static Defhave varying Difficulty Ratings. You
sized enemies, Large Enemies bat like the standard combat rules.
will still roll for Defence in com Defence DR listed on their page,
Enemies in this book have theirate new enemies, use this chart:
but if you need to adapt or cre

TEST AGILITY
enemies.
DR Slow or exceptionally ponderous
(Trolls, sloths, tortoises)
6
Average enemies.
DR (Humans, horses, cows,
bears)
8
Faster, more
DR resp onsive foes.
(Dogs, kids, cats,
10 goats)
enemies.
Unusually fastsnakes, cheetahs,
DR (Ngoinbljains,s)la rg e

12
Large Enemy M orale
Large enemies have two stats in their Morale section - the first is their overall
morale - this is how likely they are to be cowed or frightened off. The second stat
tells you how many parts of their body you have to damage (zero HP) to trigger a
Morale roll.
Roll 2d6 for morale if the party has damaged (Zero HP) enough body parts on
the creature to trigger the test. If the enemy has a “-” for its morale value, it will
continue fighting until you are dead or fled.
If you roll greater than the creature’s morale value with 2d6, it is demoralized,
roll 1d6 to see if the enemy:

(1-5) stomps off

(6) surrenders
25
25
 Defeating a Large Enemy
You can defeat a large enemy in two ways. You can
damage all of their Limbs to zero HP or you can
drop their Torso and Head to zero HP. Once that is
accomplished, they are no more than a huge, heavy
sack of meat.
Hopefully, it didn’t
land on top of you.

26
26
 Large enemy stats are listed
in the following format:

HP: Total Hit Points

[T-Torso HP, H-Head
HP, L[# of Limbs -
HP Each]
Morale: Morale/
Parts damaged to
trigger a morale check
Armor: Armor/Damage
adjustment
Attack: Weapon damage
Hit: Attack difficulty rating (if
different from the standard DR)
Climb: DR to climb the enemy
(if different from the standard DR)
Dodge: Defence difficulty rating (if
different from the standard DR)
EXAMPLE:

Winged Goat (LARGE)

HP: 54 [T-18, H-6, L6-5ea] Morale: 9/3
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR10
Armor: -2d6 [thick skin] Attack: hooves. [2d8]

In this example, the elusive Winged Goat has six body parts in addition
to its head and torso - all four legs and both wings. You have to drop at
least 3 body parts to zero HP to trigger a morale roll (DR9).

(To use enemies from other Mörk Borg

books, go to pg. 112.)
27
27
 oney & Commerce
MAmongst the Wee Fölk
Smörks don’t use money. Their community is
big on sharing things – they don’t even mind
double-dipping or when you don’t drink that
little bit of soda on the rim of a can.
If they need something, they’ll usually just ask
someone for it and they’ll either give it to them,
offer a trade, or work with them to help get
it. It is also unrealistic to try and carry coins
in a pair of pants without pockets. When they
encounter other denizens of the forest, they
usually deal with them the same way – through
trade and barter.
That said, sometimes money does come up
– maybe they need a specific item from Rat
City or their electricity bill is due. To avert any
discussion or consternation if that does happen,
most equipment and enemies in the game have
a “¢redit” value/cost [¢]. This also makes it
easier to hack the
game or mash it
up with other
Mörk Borg
modules,
where ¢redit
is roughly
equal to
silver.

28
28
 Armor in Smörk Borg is pretty
simple - There are three tiers:
Light, Medium, or Heavy. Each
has a die amount attached. If
you are hit while wearing that
armor, you roll that die and
subtract that much damage from
the hit!
Shields and some special armor
negates a certain amount of
damage without a roll.
Smörks don’t wear much
armor because it interferes
with their sleep schedule of

ARMOR
passing out randomly.

Necklace medallion worn as a breastplate (-1 HP damage or can be

destroyed to ignore one attack)
Steel toe ring (prevents any damage to that foot)
Light Armor (fur, padded, cloth, leather, etc) -d2 damage, tier 1, 20¢
Medium armor (scale, mail, etc) -d4 damage, tier 2, 100¢,
DR+2 on Agility tests including Defence
Heavy armor (Splint, plate, etc) -d6 damage, tier 3, 200¢,
DR+4 on Agility tests, defence is DR+2
Shield -1 damage, 20¢
You can ignore all damage from one attack but the shield breaks
Magic will always fail when wearing medium/heavy armor.
29
 •
•
Equipment
barrel 4¢
basket backpack 6¢
• blanket 4¢
• bucket 2¢
• card deck, marked (-4DR on any
card-based tests) 6¢ . . .. . .
• chalk 1¢ ..
• concentrated sap pouch Presence
+d4 uses (stops bleeding/infection and
Beasts of the Bosk
heals d6 HP) 15¢ Beasts aren’t for sale in
the game, and only the
• drink horn 2¢ most dispicable of Smörk
• grappling hook 12¢ would try to buy or sell one,
• illicit smörked jerky* 20¢ but they are excellent at
charming and befriending
• ladder 7¢ the small beasts of the
• lockpicks in leather fanny pack 5¢ forest who will usually give
• lube, mechanical grease 5¢ them a ride or help out if
they can. (If they aren’t more
.
• mirror 12¢ inclined to try and eat the
• mushlard may function as 5 meals 6¢ Smörks instead, anyway.)
• noose 4¢ Some animals that are
• pencil nub 1¢ generally friendly towards
the Smörks are:
• ring, diamond 30¢
• smörkball 2¢ • chipmunks
• squirrel nut sack 2¢ • snails
• string, small spool 30 feet 3¢ • frogs
• sugar 4¢ • rats
• thimble lamp with oil for Presence +6 • songbirds
hours of lit time 8¢
• toolbox (saw, hammer, nails, glue) 20¢ These animals (and any
others that the SM
• torch, wooden match 2¢ deems acceptable) get
• trumpet (and other instruments) 13¢ a +4 when rolling
• wheelbarrow 10¢ for their reaction to
the party. (pg. 20)
• wineskin holds 4 days of wine 8¢
• wire, small spool 10 feet 6¢
• woven grass pouch 1¢

Helpful Smörk sez:

Like ants or other super cool buff little things, we Smörks can lift
and carry things larger than our size would imply. So we don’t
bother tracking inventory or carrying capacity. If you want to carry
four times your Strength in alchemy supplies, you can. But you’ll
look like a smörking idiot and the SM will -and should- probably
penalize you for it.
30
.. . .
30
Explosives
• bomb, black round [d10] timed wick
or thrown 25¢
• bomb, glass vial [d10] thrown 15¢
• dynamite, stick [d10] timed wick 20¢
• gift wrapped package [d4+smoke
cloud] ribbon trigger 10¢

Pyromaniac Smörk sez:

Explosives are the absolute best
thing. They are so amazing that they
have their own set of rules during
combat – You can read about those
on pg. 10.

Melee & Ranged Weapons

• barbed hook [d8] 12¢ • blowgun [d4] 5¢
• battle axe [d8] 35¢ • bow [2d4] 25¢
• bayonet at end of a broken musket • crossbow [d10] 40¢
[d6] 6” reach 10¢ • old blunderbus [d12],
• brass knuckles [d4] 15¢ requires 5 minutes of
• chicken leg bone, sharpened [d4] downtime to reload. 18¢
worthless • pistol [2d6] 55¢
• crowbar [d4] 8¢ • shotgun [2d8] 65¢
• frying pan [d4] 4¢ • sling [d4] 2¢
• halberd [d8] 8” reach 27¢
All new ranged weapons start
• hammer, large wooden [d6] 8¢ with Presence +d10 ammo
• icepick [d4] 2¢
• knife [d4] 10¢
• machete [d6] 20¢
• pick axe 25¢
• rusty needle [2d4] worthless
• shiv [d4] 1¢
• spear [d8] 8” reach 20¢
• stick, long sharp [d4] 12” reach 2¢
• sword [d6] 30¢
• wrench, huge [d6] 10¢
• zweihander [d10] 60¢
31
31
 Drugs, Booze,
Potions,&Illicit,
Substances
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker
Smörks love their assorted....substances. Whether it’s
smoked, snorted, swallowed, or sauteed, a Smörk is at
its best when they are on something.

32
32
Substances (d12)
Any of the items on the Substances list will allow a Smörk to pass out and
recover, even if their effect is a negative one. (you benefit/suffer from the
effect of the substance when you wake up.)

1. SHRÜMSHINE
All Agility tests are DR+2, but the next d6 non-Agility
rolls are DR-2
2. SMÖRKFRUIT WINE
The basic booze of choice for adventuring Smörks. Easy
to make, holds up well on a journey, and has a pretty high
alcohol content. It tastes like box wine that someone left
on a counter for a few days. A Smörk can brew
a skin of smörkfruit wine in five days
on the road if they have an empty
wineskin, two ripe smörkfruit, and
some water. Has no immediate
effect beyond being alcoholic.
3. BAD MUSHRÜM WINE
Sometimes wine goes bad, gets
poisoned or the berries are
crushed by someone with gross
feet. Generally, this is best
served to an enemy, but it can get you
drunk in a pinch. (Toughness DR12 or d6
damage and Bad Trip)
4. BEER
It’s beer!
5. CONCENTRATED SAP
a sweet, super sticky sap
from the trees surrounding
smörkville, boiled and reduced
to a thick taffy consistency.
Nonalcoholic, but tasty. It also
stops bleeding/infection and heals d6
HP when chewed and applied to a wound.
6. DANDYWEED
Sticky buds and leaves of a large, really smörking rad
plant. You smoke it and get high. Helps your aunt’s
lumbago. She has a prescription! Gives a +2 boost to
Presence and a -1 penalty to Agility.
33
 7.PACK O’ STEMS
Stems are sliced flower stalks that have been dyed
black, packed with a blend of weeds, mushrooms, and
herbs, then dried for a few weeks in the treetops.
The result is a cigar that imparts a mellow high, thick
skin towards haters, and creates a cool-looking cloud
of smoke that smells like cloves. There are four in a
pack. Gain +1 Toughness while smörking it and when
attempting to charm goths, enjoy a +3 boost to the
roll.
8. MUNKPISS
Brewed from grasshops and chipmunk urine, this
bottom-of-the-barrel beer tastes like weeds,
bitterness, and disappointment – basically an IPA. It
has no special effect, but it’ll get you drunk.
9. TRUFFLES
Slices of spongy, delicious mushrooms, carefully
dried and wrapped for travel. Can be eaten raw like a
granola bar or sauteed in a bit of butter or booze for
a particularly filling meal. Sauteed truffle gives a +2
bonus to all Presence rolls for an hour, but it must be
eaten immediately after cooked. (No cooking ahead of
time!)
10. SPORES
No matter what you call it - domedust, shroomspooge,
fairy winkles, rumplestiltskin, leprechaun’s gold –
spores is a white powder that will really smörk you up.
Roll 1d4, all stats are +2 for an hour except the one
you roll. That one is -3.
1 – Agility
2 – Presence
3 – Strength
4 – Toughness
11. GROG
This is the general term for any booze a Smörk has
that isn’t one of the specific types listed here. Grog
can be vodka, bathtub gin, or high-end champagne. As
long as it’s got a liquor content, a Smörk will drink the
grog happily. Has no immediate effect beyond being
alcoholic.
12. RAW SMÖRKFRUIT
Black and slightly hairy, these weird little berries taste
awful raw – like a spoiled banana rolled in kitty litter,
but they ferment quickly and once fermented, become
highly alcoholic. They are the base for a number of
booze options enjoyed by the Smörks. When eaten
raw, it allows you to roll 1d6 on the Luck options and
get that one specific result at that exact moment.

34
Potions
(d12)

Potions are brewed with specific, hard to find ingredients, and

usually have powerful effects. They can be beneficial or negative,
and used on any living being you encounter. (Large creatures
only experience 50% of most effects.) Potions are carried in
single dose vials and can be drunk or poured onto the intended
recipient.

Potions do not have the benefit of allowing a Smörk to get wasted

enough to pass out unless their effect states otherwise.

1. TRUTH SERUM POTION ELIXIR

All Presence rolls when you drink this are DR8 for an
hour. When given to a non-Smörk, they must tell the
truth for d10 minutes.
2. PONY PINK
Magical tattoo ink that, when tattooed on the ass
cheek of a Smörk, can grant one extra magic usage per
day. Drinking this ink makes the target’s hands and feet
turn into hooves for 2d6 hours.
3. GUMMIBERRY JUICE
Bouncing here and there and everywhere, obviously.
Any jump or leap goes twice as far and is half as
difficult. You cannot take damage from falling or
bouncing while under the influence of this brew.
4. SERPENT VENOM
A deadly red tonic, this poison does 1d8 damage, then
1d4 damage every hour until cured. Can be cured by
a second dose of the venom. Is equally dangerous to
creatures large and small.
5. FUN GUY PHILTER
Grows mushrooms on whatever it is poured on. 1d10
truffles grow at the point of application. If applied to
skin, each mushroom causes 1d4 damage. Don’t drink
this unless you want a handful of fungus sprouting from
your stomach.

35
 6. SARSPARILLA
Delicious - the only non-alcoholic beverage the Smörks
crave. Your next 1d6 rolls of any type are +2.
7. SHRINKING SYRUP
Shrinksmörk. Typically reduces the subject in size by
50%, but that percentage may be altered by pure
happenstance or to fit the whims of the SM. Lasts 2d10
minutes.
8. EXPANSION ELIXIR
Growsmörk. Typically increases the subject in size
by 50%, but that percentage may be altered by pure
happenstance or to fit the whims of the SM. Lasts 2d10
minutes.
9. INVISIBILITY CORDIAL
Become invisible for Presence+1d6 rounds or until you
take damage. All attack and Defence rolls are +3 while
invisible.
10. TERROR TONIC
Causes awful hallucinations and nightmares for 24
hours when swallowed. When rubbed into skin, causes
the target to appear as a terrible nightmare creature
for 1d10 minutes.

11. BOOM BREW

Anything drenched in this will explode when fiddled
with. Non-damaging, but creates a 3 foot cloud of
black smoke and covers the close vicinity in soot.
Great for jokey gifts and smoke bombs.
12. BREATHLESS SODA
This uber-fizzy beverage replaces the need for
breathing with carbonated belches. Can be used
underwater or in other airless circumstances.
(Smörks in space!) It lasts for 1d6 hours or until they
eat or drink something else.

36
Music & Singing is
only to drisecond
nking!

Sing-Alongs Whenever Smörks get

together, singing or music is
inevitably involved. They hum to
themselves and unconsciously
sing nonsensically under their
breath at most times. When they
all get on the same page and sing
a song together, their raucous love
of song can actually create it’s own
little bubble of magic effects.
To sing together, every Smörk must
perform a Presence test. If they drink
beforehand, those Smörks gain a +4
to the roll. If one of the Smörks is
playing an instrument, the entire party gains a
+3 to the roll. These effects can stack on each other.
If the entire party passes the test, they all start singing the same song
and they can select one of the below effects! If one or more fails the test,
they start singing a different song and it’s all just a messy cacophony.
Singing can occur during combat, but all of the Smörks must use their
action for a round to attempt it.
Effects of Sing-Alongs:
• Training montage! When Getting Slightly Better, you can increase
two stats by 1.
• When resting, recover the full amount instead of rolling
for recovery.
• You can re-roll the results of a creature reaction or
morale roll.
• For the next 15 minutes, you can re-roll any
fumble.
• All tests for the next 3 rounds are -2DR
• Other episode-specific events dictated by
the Smörkmaster

37
 The Smörks
Greatest Hits!
1. 99 Red Smörkfruits
2. Another Smörking Drinking Song
3. Ballad Of Fisticuffs ALL
4. Bork Smörk Mörk Borg ON ONE
NG
5. Smörk On The Water SMÖRKI
6. Galgenbeck Is magic G
7. Get A Mushrüm Room AMAZIN TH
-LENG
8. Hungry Like The Smörk DOUBLE TE!
9. It Was A Smörk Day CASSET
10. Mushrüm Bottom Jeans
11. Puff Puff, Poof Poof
12. Drinking Makes The Sober Smörk Away
13. Smörk Smörk Smörk All Day
14. Smörkette’s Solo
15. The Ballad Of Sober Smörk
16. The Lumberjack Smörk Song
17. The Smörk Song
18. What Shall We Do With A Drunken Gnoblin?
19. Where There’s A Whip, There’s A Smörk
20. Who Let The Smörks Out?

NO POSTAGE
NECESSARY
IF MAILED
IN THE

BUSINESS REPLY MAIL

BLACK REALMS

THIRD CLASS MAIL PERMIT 666 GALGENBECK

POSTAGE WILL BE PAID BY ADDRESSEE

BFG CASSETTE CLUB

P.O. Box 11662
GALGENBECK, FO

38
38
MAGIC
and
Whatn ot
Magic exists in a combination of drugs, alchemy, potions, and
just straight-up weird smörk that could be real magic. Pretty
much any Smörk can use magic, but you can only do so a
certain number of times a day without risking an overdose or
a bad trip.
Roll Presence +d4 every afternoon when you stagger out of
bed to determine how many times you can use the magic you
know that day. Each use reduces your daily total, regardless of
which bit of magic you use.
To use magic: Roll Presence DR12. If you succeed, the magic is
activated and you subtract the use from your daily total. If you
fail, you subtract the total, the magic doesn’t work, you lose d2
HP and become smörked up for the next hour. During that
period, your magic will always fail in the worst possible way.

A critical fumble results in a

Bad Trip. (page 43).
39
39
 Yellow Magic
1-FLIPPED OFF
(d10)
With the extension of the middle finger, you can
immediately flip any object that is not tied or rooted to the
earth 180 degrees. Can be flipped if the object is too large
to normally lift, up to the size of a human wagon.
2-DO AS I SMÖRK
Make a come hither gesture. One creature follows your
commands. Effective for 1d4 hours on Small or Medium
creatures, 2d10 minutes for larger creatures.
3-THE SMÖRK MUSICAL SEQUENCE
A whistle that, when blown, forces d2 targets to join in a
sing-along, complete with choreography. While singing,
they cannot fight. They instead make a Presence DR18 test
to attempt to resist the musical number. They can also be
freed by an outside force stopping the spellcaster from
singing.
4-SMÖRK LIKE A PRINCESS
Summon animal friends. They will not fight an enemy,
but a small herd of rabbits, deer, birds and cute forest
creatures appear and run towards the target. They can
distract, harry, push, or drag the creature.

5-MONSTER’S MAGIC CUFFS

Bright orange shackles appear on target, lasting 1d6 hours
unless broken with a Strength DR16 test.
6-HEAL THE PARTY WITH LOVE
A delicate glass heart. When broken, D4 targets regain d6
HP each while a strange chiptune song plays.
7-DON’T FORGET YOUR PILLOW
An enchanted feather. Target falls asleep for ten
minutes or 1d4 rounds in combat. If cast upon a fellow
Smörk, they wake up with the benefits of a full night of
unconsciousness.

40
40
 8-HIDE & SMÖRK
Close your eyes and count to ten. Can reveal or hide any
object, trap or creature within Near range. Requires a
DR18 test to find if hidden by the magic. No test beyond
casting to reveal something hidden.
9-LEMME AT ‘EM!
A dog biscuit. When eaten, you summon
a small, obnoxious hairy creature that
aggressively attacks and distracts any
enemy within 5 feet of the caster.
10-TIGHTLY SMÖRKED
You pound out a rhythm
on the back of the
target. The target
feels smörking
amazing! They HP:40
get a +2 bonus Morale: 8
on all rolls for Armor: none
2d6 minutes and Attack: bite [d8]
infections are
cured.

Black Magic
1-DRUNK-IFY
(d10)
A pungent belch envelops the target and they become
totally Smörk-faced drunk.
2-FEELING SMÖRKY
You sing a little limerick at the target. They get +d6 to one
roll (test, damage, etc.).
3-SMÖRK THOSE GUYS!
With a glare and a curse, d4 creatures lose d8 HP each.
4-WOODSBANE
Summon army of termites to destroy wooden objects.
1d20 termites erupt from the target wooden object,
destroying it, then moving on to the next nearest piece of
wood. Termites: 1 HP, only attacks wooden objects.

41
41
 5-DOUBLE DOWN
stances are doubled in
All of your Potions and Sub
any for the next 24 hours,
quantity. Whenever you use
tion went wrong and you are
roll 1d20. On a 1, the duplica
poisoned.
6-BIG BADDA-BOOM!
with this wand explodes,
Any inanimate object targeted
ect, Smörk or creature in
doing 1d6 damage to any obj
Near range of the target.
7-THE SMÖRKINOMICRON
undead. One recently
Read the Latin and summon
the dead with 1 HP. Obeys
deceased creature rises from
rns to the sweet embrace of
your commands until it retu
on this magic, the creature
death. If you roll a critical fail
attacks you instead.

8-THE ÖÖÖZE
Flick a bogie at the tar
get while speaking the
spell. The target begins chant for this
to seep thick black ooze
fingertips. It is incredibl from their
y slippery - no one dre
it can hold anything sec nched in
urely for 1d6 hours. Oo
surfaces require a DR 14 ze-soaked
Agility test to walk acr
falling. oss without
9-HORK SMÖRK
Spit an acid loogie up
to 12” away. Does 1d4 dam
round until washed off age every
or neutralized with san
eat through wood and d or soil. Will
metal as well.
10-SMÖRK THE COOK
Press your wrists togeth
er with palms towards
Launch a fireball from the target.
your hands. Hits d4 cre
deals d8 damage to eac atures and
h.

42
42
 Magic ain’t always
what it’s smörked
up to be.
Some of these
results may be
effects that the
caster doesn’t

Bad Trips
notice right
away...

(1d20)
1. Lost connection
You lose the ability to use magic forever.
2. Clown feet
Anything you wear on your feet make obnoxious honking every time
you step. (This includes the footy pajamas most Smörks wear.)
3. The brainy spectre
A bespectacled ghost follows the party, constantly offering
unsolicited life advice in the most inconvenient moments and
questioning the lack of glasses amongst the Smörks.
4. Big badder-boom
Every explosive within 14 inches of you explodes.
5. Fun guy
You turn into a living mushroom. You can hold and use weapons, but
defending your giant mushroom head is DR15.
6. Sudden 80’s montage
Time freezes, and an inexplicable training montage sequence begins,
forcing all participants to work out in ridiculous fashion for 1d4
minutes before reality resumes.
7. Dentata the gut
Your teeth fall out, but you grow a toothy mouth where your belly
button was.
8. Scabies
Your skin starts cracking, dropping large scales of scabby skin. You
take d4 damage every 24 hours. The flakes of skin taste like potato
chips.
9. Sea legs
You think the ground is moving. Every Agility test is +2DR for an
hour.

43
43
 10. Skin walker
Your skeleton crawls out of your mouth and runs off. You can still
walk, but until you are reunited, you are very squishy. If you don’t
find it in 3 days, it becomes a Skelly.
11. The greatest of all time
A random ally is transformed into an angry goat for 1d6 hours. They
are unusually stubborn and develop a craving to secretly eat magic
items.
12. C&D
Your skin turns an unsettling and forbidden bright blue. Everything
wants to kill you until you can obscure the dangerous color.
13. Animated character
Whenever the caster speaks, their hands uncontrollably perform
grand theatrical gestures, making stealth and intimidation nearly
impossible.
14. Googly moogly
Every item the caster touches sprouts giant, wobbly googly eyes
that constantly look around and blink audibly, unsettling everyone
nearby.
15. The yawning portals
A contagious magical affliction causes everyone within 2 feet to yawn
uncontrollably. It spreads like a plague, making stealth impossible
and attracting skellys who mistake it for moaning.
16. Peel out
Everywhere the caster walks, banana peels mysteriously appear
behind them. Friends and foes alike are constantly slipping.
17. Bouffant
You suddenly sprout a full head of hair that grows in the shape of
your mushrüm cap.
18. Explosive flatulence
The caster becomes a ticking time bomb of noxious gas, releasing
small explosions every time they move too fast or get surprised.
19. The runs
Whenever the caster tries to flee, they experience the classic “legs
spinning in mid-air” effect before actually moving, giving
enemies a chance to catch up.
20. Beard of bees
A character sprouts a magnificent beard of buzzing,
angry bees and dripping honey. The large bees
buzz loudly when enemies approach.

44
44
The Smörks These are the Smörks. Are they
archetypes or one-dimensional?
(d66)
Maybe. It depends on how shitty you
are at playing them. Roll a d66 to see
who you are.
When you die, come back here and roll
again and play the new one. Don’t forget to
loot your still-warm corpse unless it was
already devoured.

1-1 Barfy Smörk 4-1 Liar Smörk

1-2 Belligerent Smörk 4-2 Malicious Smörk
1-3 Bitchy Smörk 4-3 Mörk Smörk
1-4 Bloody Smörk 4-4 Mysterious Smörk
1-5 Bossy Smörk 4-5 Pedantic Smörk
1-6 Buff Smörk 4-6 Pokey Smörk
2-1 Chaotic Smörk 5-1 Pyromaniac Smörk
2-2 Cocky Smörk 5-2 Queasy Smörk
2-3 Daddy Smörk 5-3 Selfish Smörk
2-4 Dealer Smörk 5-4 Slashy Smörk
2-5 Eldritch Smörk 5-5 Smörkette Smörk
2-6 Feral Smörk 5-6 Sneaky Smörk
3-1 Filthy Smörk 6-1 Stabby Smörk
3-2 Fussy Smörk 6-2 Tactless Smörk
3-3 Gory Smörk 6-3 Torque Smörk
3-4 Hippy Smörk 6-4 Trippy Smörk
3-5 Husky Smörk 6-5 Vacuous Smörk
3-6 Indolent Smörk 6-6 Weird Smörk

45
 1-1 1-2
Barfy Smörk
Description: Always just on the
Belligerent Smörk
Description: Aggressively hostile at the
edge of vomiting from being too best of times, there’s little Belligerent
drunk or high, depending on Smörk likes more than arguments, apart
circumstances. Barfy Smörk has from arguments that lead to violence.
a well-worn constitution that,
surprisingly, has made them more Begins with:
durable and resistant to poison Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6
and infections. Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Begins with: Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6+1
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6 Starting Items: Roll for starting items
Agility: 3d6-2 Strength: 3d6 and shit as usual. Roll a d10 on the
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6+1 weapons table and a d6 on the duds
Starting Items: Roll for starting table.
items and shit as usual. Roll a Notes: Any conversation or argument
d6 on the weapons table and a Belligerent Smörk gets involved in
d4 on the duds table. Gain d4 becomes a DR8 test if a test is needed, but
doses of one Substance. also has a 1 in 6 chance of devolving into
combat.
Notes: Barfy pukes or vurps every
fifteen minutes or so, making aggressive, mouthy
doing anything stealthy with them
almost impossible. In a pinch,
other Smörks can drink Barfy’s
vomit to get drunk. Which is
1-3
pretty gross. Once per combat,
Barfy can vurp into the face of a
foe, stunning them for one round.
Bitchy Smörk
Description: Like you’d understand this
description anyway.
pickled, optimistic
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d8
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting items
and shit as usual. Roll a d10 on the
weapons table and a d4 on the duds
table. Roll for items and shit as usual.
You know one Black Magic.
Notes: Specializing in spotting things
worth complaining about, any test
involving finding something specific,
spotting something of interest or
searching for an item is -3 DR.
spiteful, mean

46
1-4 1-5
Bloody Smörk
Description: Red, glorious red! Or
Bossy Smörk
Description: Prefers to order others
black, or green... any color, really, as around rather than getting their own
long as it pours from the corpse of hands dirty, Bossy Smörk is slow to
your victims! move, but very quick to shout.
Begins with: Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d8 Luck: d6 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6-1 Agility: 3d6-2 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6 Presence: 3d6+2 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. Roll a items and shit as usual. You have
d10 on the weapons table and a an Old Blunderbus [d12], requires
d6 on the duds table. Starts with 5 minutes of downtime to reload.
a stained flask that can collect Roll a d6 on the duds table. Gain
the blood of a victim if they were d4 doses of one Substance. You
injured and escape. know one Black Magic.
Notes: Any time you deal more than Notes: If bossy Smörk can stay out
2 damage with an attack, the victim of the combat, they can grant a -1DR
must test Toughness or bleed 1HP to any ranged attacks made by their
for d6 rounds. If you get that blood companions. By shouting at their
on you, you also gain +1 to all defence target through a megaphone and
rolls against that victim. distracting them. Obviously, this is not
enthusiastic, creative a useful skill if the party is attempting
to be stealthy.
inflexible, pushy

1-6
Buff Smörk
Description: Do you even
smörk, bro?
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d8
Agility: 3d6-2 Strength: 3d6+2
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Roll for
starting items and shit as
usual. Unarmed. Gain d6
doses of one Substance.
Notes: Buff Smörk refuses to use
weapons, relying on their own drug-
addled physique to deal damage. Any
attack using a weapon is -2, but their
unarmed combat does d6.
Ripped, stiff

47
 2-1 2-2
Chaotic Smörk
Description: Pure unpredictability
Cocky Smörk
Description: Was head of the
in Smörk form. They refuse to follow smörkball team, usually ended up
rules, logic, or any particularly useful with the cleanest cup at the party and
advice. their teeth are extra white and pointy.
Which doesn’t mean they’re perfect,
Begins with: but they sure do think they are.
Luck: d6 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6 Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6-1
Starting Items: Roll for starting Presence: 3d6+2 Toughness: 3d6-1
items and shit as usual. Before
combat, roll d10 on the weapons Starting Items: Starts with a
table, that is what you will use smörkball. Roll a d10 on the
for this combat session. Roll a d4 weapons table and a d6 on the
on the duds table. You know one duds table. Gain d2 doses of
Black Magic. one Substance and d4 doses of a
random Potion.
Notes: Roll for Chaotic Smörk’s
abilities using the Character Creation Notes: Infectious confidence. Once
rules. Any time they roll for a test per combat and one Presence skill
outside of combat, they roll a d4 test per day, Cocky Smörk can add +3
and use that stat instead of the one to a roll, theirs or another member of
indicated by the SM Smörk. If they the party. However, if that roll is a 1
roll the ability indicated in the first on that test, they become demoralized
place, they get a +3 to the test. If they and suffer a -1 penalty on ALL rolls
do not, they get a -2 penalty. until they’ve passed out and forgotten
their failures.
disorganized, random
outgoing, arrogant

48
2-3
Daddy Smörk
Description: The most respected
Smörk in the village because they have
a mustache. Daddy Smörk is extremely
skilled at potion brewing as well.
Begins with:
Luck: d6 HP: Toughness +d8
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6-1
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6+1
Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. Wears
a red leather harness and black
boots. Has a Pistol [2d6] with d6
bullets. Gain d4 doses of three
random Potions.
Notes: Any time they roll on the
Substances or Potions tables, they
can adjust the result up or down one
spot on the table and they get twice as
much of the result.
considerate, kinky

2-4
Dealer Smörk
Description: No one is really sure where Dealer Smörk gets the stuff they sell, but they
always seem to have something in a baggie, pouch or vial to offer...
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting items and shit as usual. Roll a d4 on the
weapons table and a d6 on the duds table. Gain d4 doses of three random
Substances and d4 doses of one random potion.
Notes: At any time Dealer Smörk isn’t in combat, they can roll on the following table,
but they are not allowed to use the resulting item themselves. The result must be given
to someone – Either another Smörk in the party (One result per member of the party,
per day.) or, with a successful Presence Test, to a foe or NPS. If the item is consumable,
they will immediately use the item, friend or foe.
Dealer Smörk’s Stash:
1. Sawed-Off Shotgun [3d4] d6 shells.
2. One Random Potion
3. Random Substance
4. Serpent Venom
5. Poisoned Psychotropic Mushrüms (User is dazed and confused for 1 hr.)
6. Spiked Grog. (User falls unconscious for 1 hr.)
confident, colorful

49
 2-5 2-6
Eldritch Smörk
Description: There’s no denying
Feral Smörk
Description: Raised by wild Smörks,
Eldritch Smörk’s dedication to the who were really just hard-partying
unknown, sorcerous, and tentacle- Smörks, Feral Smörk is a wild, untamed
laden aspects of life. whirlwind of teeth, claws and bare
yellow flesh.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d4 Begins with:
Agility: 3d6-2 Strength: 3d6 Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d8
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6+1 Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6+1
Presence: 3d6-2 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Black canvas sack.
Roll a d4 on the weapons table Starting Items: Starts with bare
and you wear a ragged black robe. hands, ten feet of vine, and a
Gain d4 doses of one Substance grappling hook.You wear nothing
and d4 doses of two random but a smörkfruit leaf.
Potions. You know one Black Notes: Never uses weapons, but has
Magic. extremely sharp finger and toe claws
Notes: Every night at midnight, [d6], likes to bite [d4] and is also really
Eldritch Smörk gains one black good at chucking rocks [d4, ranged
Magic. It may be cast freely without attack] at things.
testing Presence at any point in the savage, uncouth
next 24 hours. If it is not used by then,
they take d4 damage and lose it.
pretentious, inscrutable

3-1
Filthy Smörk
Description: Unclean to an impressive
degree, Filthy Smörk doesn’t believe
in bathing and hates getting wet.
But it has given them an impressive
resistance to disease and infection.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6+1
Presence: 3d6-2 Toughness: 3d6+1
Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. Roll a d10
on the weapons table and a d4 on
the duds table.
Notes: Can’t be infected by diseases
or infections and poisons deal
half damage, but any test where
they attempt to communicate is
automatically +2DR as their stench
washes over the target.
inoculated, stinky

50
3-2 3-3
Fussy Smörk
Description: Obsessed with keeping
Gory Smörk
Description: Always the first to
things tidy, which is a never-ending volunteer to skin an animal or clean up
task living amongst the rest of a crime scene, Gory Smörk seems a
the Smörks. They find themselves little too interested in carnage, if you
constantly cleaning up after parties, know what we mean.
brawls and accidents and have become
quite adept at stitching wounds as Begins with:
well. Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d4
Begins with: Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6 Presence: 3d6-1 Toughness: 3d6+1
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6 Starting Items: Roll for starting
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6-1 items and shit as usual. You have
a barbed hook [d8] for a weapon.
Starting Items: Roll for starting
Roll a d6 on the duds table. Gain
items and shit as usual and you
d4 doses of one Potion. You know
have a personal drink horn. Roll a
one Black Magic.
d6 on the weapons table and a d6
on the duds table. Gain d4 doses Notes: Can eat the gory remains of a
of one Potion. dead animal, creature or Smörk and
gain d2 HP back.
Notes: Each day, they can heal
Presence +d4 wounds on themselves mischievous, gooey
or others. Uses their own private
drink horn and never suffers a Bad
Trip as a result of drinking.
fastidious, careful

51
 3-4
Hippy Smörk
Description: Friend to the trees, animals and everything growing under the sun! Or
what passes for the sun, living in the smoke and coal-choked outskirts of Galgenbeck.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6-1
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: You have a macrame fanny pack. Roll a d10 on the weapons
table and a d4 on the duds table. Gain d6 doses of two Substances and know
one Yellow Magic.
Notes: You have a high-strung, largely annoying pet. Roll d4:
1-2. Wasted Chipmunk. d4 HP, bite [d6], makes for a cozy bed – gain d2 Luck each
time you pass out with your chipmunk.
3. Spiny caterpillar. d2 HP, poisoned spines [d4, poison], can be thrown at enemies.
In fact, the caterpillar finds the feeling of flying strangely enjoyable... If they ever roll
a critical fail in combat, they cocoon the next night and are lost as a pet.
4. Escaped Hamster. d4 HP. Will not attack, but is erratic enough to distract
enemies, giving you a +2 on attack/defence for your first two rounds of combat.
chill, pleasant

3-5
Husky Smörk
Description: Fond of indulgences,
Husky Smörk proudly wears xxxl
pajamas and has never met a treat
they won’t try. Gifted with an
equally large personality.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d8
Agility: 3d6-2 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6+2 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: You start with d12
days of food. Roll for items and
shit as usual. Roll a d10 on the
weapons table and you wear xxxl
black footy pajama bottoms. Gain
d2 doses of one Substance.
Notes: Gains the same benefits from
over-eating as ingesting Substances.
Any time Husky Smörk eats two days
worth of rations at the same time, roll
on the Substances table and gain any
effects from the result.
bellicose, rotund

52
3-6 4-1
Indolent Smörk
Description: I’ll fill this out later.
Liar Smörk
Description: The greatest Smörk
ever known, as voted for by all of the
Begins with: other Smörks. No need to verify these
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6 results.
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6 Begins with:
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6 Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
items and shit as usual. You also Presence: 3d6+2 Toughness: 3d6-1
carry a pillow. Roll a d6 on the
Starting Items: Starts with
weapons table and a d6 on the
lockpicks, grappling hook, and
duds table. Gain d4 doses of one
d4 doses of Truth Serum Potion.
Potion and you know one Yellow
Roll a d8 on the weapons table
Magic.
and a d6 on the duds table.
Notes: Gains +2 to any roll that
Notes: Especially good at talking their
involves working around the idea
way out of a situation, but they also
of actual physical work. When
excel at sneaking past trouble. -2DR
sneaking around a sleeping creature,
on any encounters where they must lie
the difficulty rating for the test is
to, or sneak past, someone they have
-2DR. Indolent Smörk is just that
talked to previously.
impressively lazy.
cagey, tricky
lazy, casual

4-2
Malicious Smörk
Description: Enjoys violence and mischief just a little
too much.
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d8
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6-1
Starting Items: Roll for starting items and shit
as usual. You have a Poisoned Dagger [d4]
(Poison: Toughness DR12 or d6 damage
and Bad Trip) and roll a d6 on the duds
table. You know one Black Magic.
Notes: You can pick pockets with a DR8
test, but you always have to leave something
behind. Roll a d4:
1. Small firecracker, lit. [d6] goes off in d6
rounds/minutes.
2. A rag with something pungent and gooey on it.
[Annoying and weird, but non-harmful]
3. Your dagger. They are poisoned next time they
reach into that pocket, but you lose your weapon.
4. Your phone number. [Maybe they’ll call!]
petty, nasty

53
 4-3
Mörk Smörk
Description: Wears an oversized goat’s
head. Claims it was granted to them by the
Autumn King Oyep, but it’s pretty obviously
the plastic head of a toy.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6-2 Toughness: 3d6+2
Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. You have a
Zweihander [d10] or a sharpened
chicken leg bone [d4] and a shield.
Your choice. Roll a d4 on the duds
table. You know one Black Magic.
Notes: This odd Smörk seems like they
belong elsewhere, often spouting off
random verse and curse. Their unsettling
goat head and manner disturbs some
creatures. Their small foes must test
morale every round they are injured by
Mörk Smörk
gross, tough

4-4
Mysterious Smörk
Description: Thinks they are cooler and more enigmatic than they
really are. Likes to skulk around in the shadows. Mysterious
Smörk loves using spells and substances that make them seem
inscrutable, but really just makes them look like a children’s
party performer.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6-1
Presence: 3d6+2Toughness: 3d6-1
Starting Items: Roll for starting items and shit as
usual. Roll a d4 on the weapons table and a d6 on
the duds table. You wear a hood instead of a hat,
but it isn’t attached to anything. Gain d4 doses of one
Substance. You know one Yellow or Black Magic
(your choice).
Notes: Once per day, you can use d2 random Magic. They
can only be used once. Roll a d4, on a 1-2, the Magic is
black, on a 3-4, it’s Yellow.
enigmatic, dramatic

54
4-5 4-6
Pedantic Smörk
Description: Always has to chime in
Pokey Smörk
Description: While Stabby Smörk is all
with the correct answer to something, about quantity, pokey Smörk prefers
even if it’s just a re-worded version of the quality of the piercing experience.
what someone just said. Absolutely They also enjoy long-distance poking
awful at lying. Generally obnoxious to with crossbow bolts.
have around, but helpful for puzzles,
trivia contests, and as bait. Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d4
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6-1
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6 Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6+1
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6+1 Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. Roll a d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting on the duds table. You have an Ice
items and shit as usual. Roll a d10 Pick [d4] and a crossbow [d8] with
on the weapons table and a d4 on Presence +10 bolts.
the duds table. Gain d4 doses of
one Potion. Notes: When attacking a foe that is
unaware of your Presence, test Agility
Notes: The Difficulty rating for any DR10. On a success, you deal normal
tests requiring knowledge of lore, damage +3.
trivia, ingredients, history, or other
minutiae is -4DR for this know-it-all weak, careful
asshole.
picky, thick-skinned

5-1
Pyromaniac Smörk
Description: Loves lighting things on
fire and blowing things up. A Smörk
with simple needs and high insurance
premiums.
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6-1
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Start with d4 round bombs,
Presence +d6 matches, d2 sticks of
dynamite. Roll a d6 on the duds table.
Notes: Can use the human-sized matches like a
big flaming mace [d6], even if the attack misses,
the foe is lit aflame and takes [d4] damage the
next round unless they forego their attack to
snuff the flames. Pyromaniac Smörk also gets
a +1 to any roll when they are within 2 feet of an
uncontrolled open flame. (Things on fire, not
lanterns or controlled torches, campfires and
the like.)
wild, hot-tempered

55
 5-2 5-3
Queasy Smörk Selfish Smörk
Description: Kind of a jerk, kind of
Description: Squeamish, dizzy and
generally unwell, Queasy Smörk feels a hoarder and kind of just oblivious
much better when they can just slow to others, selfish Smörk is in it for
down for a moment and catch their themselves.
breath.
Begins with:
Begins with: Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d8
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d4 Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6 Presence: 3d6-1 Toughness: 3d6+2
Presence: 3d6-1 Toughness: 3d6+1
Starting Items: Roll for starting
Starting Items: Roll for starting items and shit as usual. Get
items and shit as usual. Roll a d4 double of anything you roll. Roll
on the duds table. You know one a d10 on the weapons table and a
Black Magic. Prefers weapons d6 on the duds table.
that let him fight without moving.
Roll for starting Weapon: (d4) Notes: Selfish Smörk won’t share
1. Sling [d4] with Presence +d6 or use their equipment, substances
pebbles and potions on others. Any time they
2-3. Bow [2d4] with Presence +10 smörk loot, they get twice the amount.
arrows) Which occasionally means other
4. Pistol [2d6] with d6 bullets Smörks find ways to loot the body of a
(revolver) recently deceased selfish Smörk...
Notes: Any time you are not in egocentric, hoarder
combat, you heal as if you are resting,
but any prolonged movement more
energetic than a casual stroll causes
d2 damage every hour. Increased to
d4 damage if Queasy Smörk is riding
on an animal, vehicle or on the water.
sick, wobbly

56
5-4
Slashy Smörk
Description: A bit wild, Slashy Smörk is never
happier than when they are causing long gashes
in things. Likes to slash a big “S” in cloth and tree
trunks. Or torsos.
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: Roll for starting items and
shit as usual. Roll a d4 on the duds table.
Gain d4 doses of one Potion.
Roll for starting Weapon: (d4)
1. knife [d4]
2. machete [d6]
3. sword [d6]
4. a bigger, cooler, sword [d10]
Notes: Your manic zeal for slicing shit is startling
enough that it initially freaks out enemies and for
the first two rounds of combat you and your fellow
Smörks get +2 on your attack/defence rolls.
manic, durable

5-5
Smörkette Smörk
Description: The only Smörk with hair, rumors are
that Smörkette was created by an evil wizard to sow
discontent amongst the Smörks. But they might just
be confused by Smörkette’s luscious locks.
Begins with:
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6-1
Presence: 3d6+1 Toughness: 3d6+1
Starting Items: Start with a handbag
and concentrated sap pouch. Roll a d10
on the weapons table. You wear a black
skirt. d4 doses of one Potion. d4 doses of one
Substance.
Notes: Any test to do something that has already
been tried previously in a session is +2. This does not
apply to combat rolls. Smörkette’s high heels makes
running difficult. DR14 when trying to escape.
haughty, adorable, high-heeled

57
 5-6 6-1
Sneaky Smörk
Description: Shhh. You never saw
Stabby Smörk
Description: The more holes the
them. better for Stabby Smörk. Get in, cause
internal damage, and get out. Then
Begins with: repeat another dozen times.
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d4
Agility: 3d6+2 Strength: 3d6-1 Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6+-1
Agility: 3d6+2 Strength: 3d6-1
Starting Items: Start with Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6-1
lockpicks, grappling hook,
caltrops, and grease. You have d4 Starting Items: Roll for starting
doses of one Substance. Roll a d6 items and shit as usual. Roll a d6
on the duds table. on the duds table.
Roll for starting Weapon: (d4) Roll for starting Weapon: (d4)
1. Shiv [d4] 1. Long sharp stick [d4] 12” reach
2. Blowgun [d4] Agility +d6 darts 2. Broken musket with bayonet at
3. Crowbar [d4] end [d6] 6” reach
4. Brass knuckles [d4] 3. Rusty needle [2d4]
4. Spear [d8] 8” reach
Notes: Hard to catch. DR10 on tests to
evade capture or escape from bonds. Notes: A quick second stab. Any
+2 on all sneaking-related tests. time you succeed on an attack, roll
for damage twice and deal half of the
slippery, delicate second roll in damage as well.
surreptitious, quick

6-3
6-2
Tactless Smörk Torque Smörk
Description: If it moves, you have the
Description: If they think it, they say urge to add a gear, string or pulley to
it, and pretty much the same applies it. You may not be the most technically
to their actions as well, with little sophisticated of mechanics, but you
thought given to the feelings or needs are great at jury-rigging devices and
of others. traps and half-assed devices made
from wooden gears and carved parts
Begins with:
Luck: d2 HP: Toughness +d6 Begins with:
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6 Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d8
Presence: 3d6-1 Toughness: 3d6+1 Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6-1
Starting Items: Roll for starting
items and shit as usual. Roll a Starting Items: You start with
d4 on the duds table. You have a huge wrench [d6], lube, saw,
a giant wooden hammer with pencil nub, wheelbarrow, and a
“Smörk!” painted on the end [d8]. pair of black overalls with feet
sewn on. You know one Yellow
Notes: Hard to convince. They are Magic.
DR10 on resisting coercion, but their
complete inability to censor their Notes: You test Presence DR10 when
thoughts results in +2DR on any other you try to build, break, or repair a
conversation tests. gadget, trap or construct.
insensitive, boorish handy, precise

58
6-4 6-5
Trippy Smörk
Description: Dude. Dooooood.
Vacuous Smörk
Description: There’s not a lot going on
upstairs. They aren’t sure why they are
Begins with: here, but there’s sure to be a party at
Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6 some point, so why not go along with
Agility: 3d6-1 Strength: 3d6-1 the flow?
Presence: 3d6+2 Toughness: 3d6 Begins with:
Starting Items: Roll for starting Luck: d4 HP: Toughness +d6
items and shit as usual. Roll a d6 Agility: 3d6+1 Strength: 3d6
on the weapons table and a d4 on Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6-1
the duds table. You have d6 doses Starting Items: Roll for starting
of three different Substances. items and shit as usual. Roll a d6
Notes: Always holding: Any time they on the weapons table and a d6
aren’t in active combat, Trippy Smörk on the duds table. You know one
can roll on the Substances table and Yellow Magic. You have d4 doses
must immediately take the resulting of one Substance.
substance, experiencing any negative/
positive effects. Notes: Avoiding sneak attacks and
traps are DR8 if Vacuous Smörk
groovy, chill walks into them without knowing they
are there.
shallow, distracted

6-6
Weird Smörk
Description: Weird Smörk prefers to
talk to themselves or their cockroach
companion over the company of other
Smörks. When they do talk, its usually
to bring up some sort of fictional tale
or conspiracy theory.
Begins with:
Luck: d6 HP: Toughness 2+d4
Agility: 3d6 Strength: 3d6
Presence: 3d6 Toughness: 3d6
Starting Items: You are unarmed
[d2]. You start with d4 sticks
of dynamite, d4 doses of two
Potions, and d4 doses of one
Substance. Roll for starting items
and shit as usual. Roll a d6 on the
duds table.
Notes: You have a pet cockroach. Your
Presence +d10 HP, -d6 Armor and
can follow simple commands. Has a
strong bite [d4].
lucky, spooky

59
Cr ea tu r e There are plenty of things that pose a threat to you.
They are all called “creatures” for ease of reference.
Each creature includes the following stats:

Stats: Their hit points, morale, and special attacks and

defences. Some creatures have armor. It reduces the damage
they take by that much.
Size: These creatures are all either small, medium, or large-
sized compared to a Smörk. This should be obvious, but it is
listed in case you’ve never seen an opossum or... I don’t know...

Features
a small dog before.
Description: a short note about the creature.
Useful Parts: Many creatures have body parts or features
that are worth money, ransom, credit at bars, ingredients,
or good eating. Useful information to have when deciding to
dismember a corpse or disfigure a prisoner.

r four-
k sez: , barter o ss.
Helpful Smör –
arily u s e t r a d e
they prim ustry, privacy or ase you
busine
u s e it
s don’t on ind re in c
n m o n e y: Smörk s. They aren’t big value is listed he e taverns
A note o unt to get thing or coins. But the d. Som
cre is use osition, but
e r d is c o c k e t s f filt h y lu
fing p o er e rop
, t h e y d on’t have es in a game wh ö r k s - a foolish p ll funds are
Also reatur for Sm ent. A
use the c er a line of credit t that establishm vendors.
want to f f a ith
n d v e n d ors will o r paying your tab e credit value w
a k fo ra g
lues wor ts its ave
these va - which represen
-¢
shown in

60
Smaller Creatures
Because you are all really small comparatively, humans and
vaguely similarly sized creatures are like massive kaiju monsters
to you. That said, there are also plenty of things your same size or
moderately larger that also want to kill and/or eat you.

Garden Gnome (Small)

HP: 12 Morale: 3 Armor: Ceramic duds [-d4]
Attack: sharpened wooden sign with “Sign of the Thymes”
whimsically painted on it. [d6]

Animated ceramic décor

from the gardens
60¢, hide-a-key in the butt (1/6 chance) 200¢
Useful parts: captured 150¢, ceramic shards:
of the suburbs
of Grift, these
poor things
are as
confused
as they are
slow and
hollow. They
are generally
pretty ambivalent,
but they do protect the
small patch of undergrowth
they claim as “their garden”
with gusto.

61
61
 Squirrel (Small)

Useful parts: nut sack: 25¢, tail: 75¢, toe claws: 20¢
HP: 16 Morale: 8 Armor: fluffy [-d2]
Attack: bite [d8], claws [d4]

Big, fluffy, and unpredictable,

Squirrels are just as likely
to playfully help you out as
they are to playfully drag
you to the top of a tree and
throw you at the ground.
Fast claws, vicious bite, and
short tempers. If they defeat
a Smörk, they will likely
run off with the corpse and
bury them in the soil for
the winter. So much for
looting your companion’s
corpses.

Pocket Dog (medium)

Useful parts: captured 500¢ ransom, trained: impossible,
HP: 32 Morale: 11 Armor: none
Attack: bite [d8] spay/neuter: the responsible choice.

These yappy terrors

are rarely seen in the
Bosk, but are all too
prevalent in the streets
and homes of Grift.
Ugly, loud, fearless, and
vicious, they range in
size from the twitchy
chihuahua to the dopey
cocker spaniel. All of
them want to eat you.

62
62
Opossum
HP: 60 Morale: 4
(medium)
Armor: none
Attack: bite [d8]
Special-play dead: 1 in 4 chance that a defeated
Opossum is only “mostly dead” and will
return that night to exact its revenge!

Useful parts: hairy toes: 50¢

Rarely seen in the
forest during the day,
these big critters are
generally peaceful and
pretty cute in their
own way, but when
hungry, can decimate
an entire Smörk
hamlet in minutes.

Gnoblin
HP: 7
(Small)
Morale: 6 Armor: leather vests [-d2]
Attack: short sword [d4], knife [d4], or small crossbow [d6]
Useful parts: captured 120¢, Skull:25¢

They look just like

Smörks but refuse to
wear pants. They all
sport rad black leather
vests. They live in a
different part of the
Bosk, but often drink at
the same bars, logs, and
drainpipes as Smörks,
so they bump uglies
often.

63
63
 Assorted Jerk Insects
HP: 4 Morale: - Armor: exoskeleton [-d2]
(Small)

Attack: bite [d4]

Special: Most insects can fly and many have unusual properties like
blood-sucking, ass pincers, gross acid spit, and quick-growing
internal maggoty eggs. All of which are delightful additions
to any insect attack.

Insects are a constant

issue for Smörks.
Picture a blood-sucking
mosquito the size of a
robin, rat-sized ticks,
and praying mantids
standing the height of a
pony... There’s a million
types, a billion of them,
and they’re all jerks.

Useful parts: dead but whole: 150¢,

sez:
Meta Smörk
exoskeleton, 20¢, tamed: 200¢

fill the role

m as te r - Insects easily
Hey S m ö rk e game,
h az ar d s an d nuisances in th n be
of many and flies ca
ones like ants
even common all. Feel free to
e w h en you are sm
a ch al le n g best fit your
st th ei r st at s and skills to
adju
game!

64
64
Crane (medium)
HP: 50 Morale: 7 Armor: feathered fiend [-d6]
Attack: beak stab [2d6], Stomp [d8]

Cranes (the bird, not the

construction equipment) used
to be the primary mode of
transportation for the Smörks

Useful parts: feathers: 50¢

until, after too many late
nights of cleaning vomit out of
their feathers after being the
designated driver, the large
birds rebelled and subsequently
learned how delicious Smörks
were. Now they are best avoided
unless you are a designated die-er.

Wino (Small)
HP: 6 Morale: 3 Armor: none
Attack: Smother [d4] If their slime touches
your bare skin, test Toughness DR10
or become poisoned.

These six-inch slugs are often found in the discarded wine jugs
and bottles scattered throughout the forest of Bosk. Their slime
Useful parts: none

is caustic, infectious, and hard to remove. They are drawn to the

Smörks because they usually also smell like alcohol that has gone
bad in the sun. Not particularly fast and fairly easy to distract or
outrun. Salted weapons impart a +2 bonus on attack/defence rolls
against them.

65
65
 Golem (Small)
HP: 6 Morale: - Armor: malleable skin [-d4]
Attack: pounding fists. [d6]

Animated by eldritch powers,

these shambling mounds of
rock and clay relentlessly attack

Useful parts: animated clay: 30¢

any living beings they come
across. They are roughly shaped
like a bipedal humanoid, but
the Magic that formed them is
old and decrepit and they are in
a constant cycle of crumbling
and reforming when it rains.
They are why young Smörks are
warned not to piss on any dirt
that looks like it has a face.

Cat (MEDIUM)
HP: 42 Morale: 8 Armor: none
Attack: Claws. [d6] Teeth. [d8]

One of the most

dangerous animals
in the Bosk, cats
absolutely excel at
Useful parts: claws 20¢ each

killing and eating

almost every type of
Wee Fölk. Sneaky,
merciless, cuddly, soft,
adorable... Who doesn’t
want to bring one of
these charming pets
home today? Wait! ahh!

66
66
Lager Knight
HP: 9 Morale: 8
(Small)
Armor: aluminum can armor [-d6]
Attack: Wields (d4)
1. rusty box knife [d6]
2. huge rock on a stick [d10]
3. blunderbuss [3d6], can only shoot once, then uses...
4. aluminum knuckles [d4]
Special: Their armor offers a great defence, but is also
hard to fight in. Attacks are DR10 against them.

Small goblins Useful parts: 200¢ dead:50¢ armor (hosed out): 120¢
dressed in armor
made out of beer
cans. They have a
misplaced sense of
honor that mostly
involves crusades
against anyone they
don’t agree with or
that has cooler stuff.
Some training, decent
weapons, and their
armor make the Lager
Knights a smörking
pain in the ass.

67
67
 Faerie (Small)
HP: 5 Morale: 6 Armor: none
Attack: bite [d4]

Useful parts: faerie dust: 30¢, wings: 10¢ each

Sarah: Ow! It bit me!
Hoggle: What’d you
expect faeries to do?
Sarah: I thought they
did nice things, like

(undamaged)
granting wishes!
Hoggle: Huh. Shows
what you know, don’t it?

Skelly (Small)
HP: 6 Morale: - Armor: none
Attack: fossilized fingers [d4]
Special: Can only be harmed by hitting their skulls.
Anything else falls off with a clatter but can
be re-attached. (Sometimes in the right
location!) As a result, they are DR14 to hit.
Useful parts: bones: 10¢

These animated abominations are the

skeletons of assorted Smörks, gnoblins,
gnaps, and faeries, animated by pure eldritch
madness to rise up and stagger around being
creepy. There’s often a lot of them, and they
won’t stop until they add your bones to their
current inventory. They glow in the dark.

68
68
Toad (Small)
HP: 18 Morale: 10 Armor: none
Attack: bite [d6]
Special- Tongue snatch: the toad attempts to steal your
hat or piece of equipment. Agility DR12 test or lose
your hat or equipped weapon to the slimy maw of
the toad. (Can be recovered from the corpse.)

Useful parts: throat pouch: 120¢, toadlegs: 60¢,

psychotropic back pustules: 120¢

Big, hungry amphibian jock-bros. They don’t really care about

the Smörks, but do like to eat the insects that congregate around
the outskirts of Smörk hamlets and trash piles. While Smörks
are a bit too big to eat, toads are kind of assholes when there
is more than one and they are bored. A favorite game of theirs
is whipping Smörks with their tongues in an attempt to steal
their hats. They’re constantly inflating their throat pouches and
talking about their glory days in high school.

69
69
 LARGE Creatures
These creatures can present a much different challenge for an
intrepid and stupid band of Smörks. Battling something so much
larger than you can be a truly gigantic challenge for even the most
skilled of parties and, let’s face it, Smörks are not often referred
to as “most skilled” at anything that isn’t illicit substances and
haphazard violence. But sometimes you don’t have a choice but
to face down some threat much larger than you. And sometimes
drunk, stupid, and violent is just the right combination to take
down a behemoth! The major difference stat-wise for Large
Creatures is that they special rules for morale and their body parts
have separate Hit Points. You can read more about how that works
on pg. 23.

Useful parts: Carnivorous plant

Seedmore (LARGE)
HP: 26 [T-8, H-6, L2-6ea] Morale: -
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR6
Armor: -1d10 [ropey stem]
Attack: Maw. Does no damage but traps seeds: 15¢
a Small opponent on a successful hit.
Trapped opponent must make a successful
roll to escape at the beginning of their turn
[DR10] in order to take their turn.
Special: Carnivorous plants secrete
highly acidic digestive juices, dealing
1d6 damage per round to anything
trapped in their maw.
Description: A large, not particularly
aggressive carnivorous plant. Would
really prefer to have someone feed them
blood and carcasses, but they are willing
to get their leaves dirty if they need to,
as long as it doesn’t involve moving.

70
70
Boskogre (LARGE)
HP: 32 [T-10, H-4, L5-3ea] Morale: 9/3
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR6
Armor: -3d4 [excessive eczema]
Attack: Pound. [2d10]
Description: Massive, flaky, apelike,
smelly, and angry are usually

Useful parts: bristlehairs: 2¢

adjectives used to describe Boskogres
when asked to describe their
good points. They are truly foul,
hairy giants with short, thick arms,
prehensile toes, and rotting yellow
teeth. (Their matted, wobbling crotch
and stubby tail region is their fifth “limb,”
in case you wondered.)

Troll (LARGE)
HP: 93 [T-32, H-13, L4-12ea] Morale: 4/1
Hit: DR6 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR8
Armor: -2d10 [rocky hide]
Attack: Gentle Pat. [2d20]
Description: Trolls, despite their
reputation amongst humans
and billy goats, are really quite
affectionate. All they really want to do
is pet and snuggle small animals.
Useful parts: luxurious

Unfortunately, they don’t know their

own strength and usually cuddle
anything they catch into a paste.
Trolls will mindlessly chase
locks: 100¢

anything they see that looks

fun to play with.

71
71
 Tin Can Sam (LARGE)

Useful parts: Unknown

HP: 61 [T-20, H-9, L4-8ea] Morale: -
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR6
Armor: -1d20 [metal armor]
Attack: Spear. [2d10]
Description: A generic human guard.
Used to be an adventurer until he had a
self-inflicted archery accident. Now he
limps around the edges of places saying
the same complaints over and over.
Incredibly thick armor, but there’s a lot
of little openings. Maybe you can crawl
inside…

boar back bacon: 100¢

Useful parts: 2d10 chicharrones: 10¢ each,
Wild Boar (LARGE)
HP: 71 [T-23, H-10, L4-9ea] Morale: 6/3
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR10
Armor: -2d8 [tough hide]
Attack: Hooves. [2d8], Tusks. [2d10]
Description: This musky beast is
usually goring or boring. It’ll
eat pretty much anything.
Surprisingly agile for its
bulk.

72
72
Borgamel (LARGE)

Useful parts: Even Daddy Smörk is proud.

HP: 80 [T-40, H-20, L4-5ea] Morale: 4/2
Hit: DR8 Climb: DR10 Dodge: DR6
Armor: -1d8 [ratty robe]
Attack: Trident. [d10], Foot Stomp. [d8],
Potion Throwing: roll 1d6 on the Potions
Table (Pg. 35) to determine the effect of a hit.
Description: Blonde horseshoe hair pattern
and a handlebar mustache in a red robe.
A cord belt accentuates his beer belly, and
secures his pouch of snuff. Absolutely wild
about the idea of eating Smörks.

73
73
 the Sm örk m aster’s Section
I’m going to step out of the Bosk for a moment and addre
ss you
to-be Smörkmaster:
directly, reader of this fine tome and soon-

First and foremost: If it’s funnier or more enjoyable,

break every rule in this book. Roleplaying games
are about communal storytelling and enjoyment, not
following every rule of a game. I’d personally love it if you
write in the margins and doodle in the blank spaces too.

Second: Kill Smörks. Let the players know going into

a game of Smörk Borg that they are probably going to
die. I have yet to play a session of Smörk Borg (or its big
daddy Mörk Borg) and not died in the first few rooms of
an adventure.

That’s part of what appeals to me about this world - you

aren’t playing Smörk Borg to become an epic hero over
years of adventures, you are here to drink some grog,
chuck some dice, do outrageous things and basically
be a cartoon character in a brutal world. It’s extremely
fast and easy to make a new character and re-join the
adventure when a Smörk dies. When they do
die, make sure it is in an amusing or epic
fashion. Then encourage them to show
up as a new Smörk, loot their old
character’s corpse, and carry on with
the chaos.

Finally, don’t worry about planning

too far in advance - use one of the
following Episodes or spores or just
use the plot of a fondly remembered
cartoon. When all else fails, just have
them wake up in the middle of a field
and roll for a wandering monster.

The Smörks will take it from there.

74
 Random Encounters 1. A grouchy Garden Gnome
selling vegetables from a toy
wheelbarrow
2. The SMÖRKSQUATCH!
3. A small dive bar in a log run
by Hell Night Smörk.
4. Two cultists summoning a
cauldron of endless skellys.

Wandering 5. A beehive filled with

delicious honey (MEAD!)

M onsters (d10)
1. d6 Skellys
...and dozens of angry bees.
6. A sad troll with a splinter in
his big toe.
2. A swarm of d4 faeries 7. A snake attempting to
3. 2.5 Gnoblins swallow a pure white rat
4. Garden Gnome with a horn on its forehead.
5. Toad 8. A princess that has been
6. A Pocket Dog chasing a mouse turned into a toad.
7. A massive spider! 9. A village of small bears in
8. d6 Gnoblins and d4 skellys the trees.
9. A Boskogre 10. A seemingly innocent
10. 2 golems per Smörk barrel in the middle of a
clearing.

D6 ways to introduce a new Player Smörk:

1. They are passed out in the corner of the next room the
party enters.
2. They drop abruptly from a tree.
3. Two chipmunks roll in an oversized cake on a cart…
4. They are vomited out of an enemy’s gullet when punched.
5. A magic spell goes wrong and the new Smörk appears
instead.
6. The spirit of the dead Smörk possesses one of the other
corpses in the room.

75
 Episode Spores (d8)
Adventures are called EPISODES in Smörk Borg.
1. The Smörks travel up a mountain to find Sorcerer Smörk, but of
course, Sorcerer Smörk is actually Borgamel, who challenges
the Smörks to a battle of wits.

2. Hazy Smörk makes a birthday wish that they can fly to another
planet before blowing out the candles and finds themselves on
another planet.

3. Several Smörks get stoned on magic mushrooms and find

themselves in a parallel universe inhabited by evil versions of
themselves and their Smörk friends.

4. Spring arrives, which means mating season for the Smörks.

The Smörks begin to court Smörkette, but Borgamel uses a
hypnotic flower and turns Smörkette psycho. She now demands
the Smörks battle to the death for the privilege of the great
Smörking.

5. The Smörks find an egg that grants wishes. They quickly

succumb to their greed, and their accidental wishes cause chaos.
Now the Smörks must wade through the chaos to destroy the egg
and its enchantments.

6. Some Smörks go to look for snow flower

pollen (cocaine), but Smörkette falls in,
transforming into a pollen-powered behemoth,
who rampages through Smörkville.

7. Dumby Smörk finds an imp that will grant his deepest desire, so
long as Dumby Smörk provides a blood sacrifice. The Smörks
must find Daddy Smörk before they are sacrificed to the Imp.

8. Borgamel casts a spell each night that makes everyone relive that
day (ala groundhogs day) because he doesn’t want to mow his
lawn. The Smörks must find this out and figure out how to make
tomorrow come.

Episode guide written by Lester Burton

76
Season Six, Episode Nine:

M agic Mushrooms
of
& th e H or de
ll u ci n a ted
Ha
H orr or s
Summary
Stoner Smörk just harvested his magic mushrooms,
and has thrown a rager to celebrate with his closest
Smörk pals. Unfortunately, Borgamel laced the
shrooms with a psychedelic potency potion. Now,
the Player Smörks are in a shared bad trip, where
everyone that’s not tripping balls is some trippy
horrific version of themselves and is attempting to kill
the Player Smörks.

Episode written by Lester Burton

77
77
 Advice: In reality, most everyone else in Smörkville
Any time the Player Smörks is trying to stop the tripping Player Smörks
see a non-tripping Smörk, from razing the place to the ground. The
or any creature at all, it entire adventure experience is something
will appear as a trippy and like a vampire apocalypse, where the
horrific version of itself, with Player Smörks need to outlast the horde of
obvious intent to make the hallucinated horrors until they get their shit
Player Smörks have a bad together and come down from their trip.
time.
Since the length of time required to come
You can still use the
down is indeterminate, you can drag this
standard creature stats episode out as long as you want.
for these encounters, but
go nuts with the horrific For the next episode, once the Player
hallucinatory description. Smörks come down to reality, the surviving
Get weird with it. members of Smörkville might take pity
on the Player Smörks and focus their
retaliation upon Borgamel, who laced
the magic mushrüms in the first place.
Alternatively, they smörking murder the
Player Smörks. Who knows?..

Setup
For one reason or another, the Player
Smörks find themselves at Stoner Smörk’s
rager and they all partake in his magic
mushrüms. Even if such a thing isn’t “in
character” for one of the Player Smörks,
the bottom line is that they’re all getting
smörking stoned (peer pressure, am I right?).

By the time the psychedelic effects kick

in, everyone has smörked off except for
the Player Smörks. The adventure begins
in earnest as soon as the Player Smörks
encounter a creature or non-tripping Smörk
and the hallucinated horrors make an
appearance.

78
78
Locations Notes:
This section contains locations and events The Horde of Hallucinated
that can take place during the trip. Although Horrors follows the Player
the locations are based in reality, almost Smörks everywhere
throughout this episode,
everything described is from the perspective
so be sure to roll a D10
of the Smörk Players, who are absolutely
at every new location to
tripping their little yellow nuts off. determine how long it takes
for the Horde of Hallucinated
Stoner Smörk’s crappy house has no food, Horrors to appear.
drink, or drugs, so if the Player Smörks
want to survive this trip, they MUST leave
the house. Unfortunately, the first place the
Player Smörks encounter is the Town Square
filled with a horde of zombie Smörks, aka
The Horde of Hallucinated Horrors.

The Player Smörks might find temporary

refuge in various locations throughout
Smörkville and beyond, but before long all of
Smörkville will be coming after the Player
Smörks, so they likely won’t get to rest for
long no matter where they hold up.
Horde of Hallucinated
Town Square Horrors
Black clouds roll across the sky. Market stalls HP: 50 Morale: 9
surround a central fountain, spewing blood Armor: - Size: small
that overflows onto the cobblestones. A horde
Attack:
of zombified Smörks scattered throughout
bite d4, smother d10
the Town Square stare and drool, chanting
“Smörk.. Hungry… Smörk.. Hungry…”. Special: The horde is
Zombie Smörks begin marching through a collection of Smörk
zombies, and can branch
the alleyways, encroaching on the Smörk
off into smaller hordes by
Players. dividing its current HP.
No matter where the Player Smörks go, the Special: The horde is slow
horde will follow. When the Player Smörks but relentless. No matter
where the Player Smörks
arrive at a new location, the horde will
go. When the Player
follow, reappearing at the new location Smörks arrive at a new
after D10 minutes. location, the horde will
follow, reappearing at the
new location after D10
minutes.

79
79
 Prepper Smörk Prepper Smörk’s Hidey Hole
HP: 8 Morale: 6 Prepper Smörk’s hut is just outside of
Smörkville. Years ago he buried a gas tank
Armor: - Size: small and uses it as his fallout shelter. The tank
Attack: silenced pistol 2d6, had some leaded gasoline in it, so he’s pretty
with 5 bullets smörked in the head these days. Luckily, that
Description: A ranting means he appears “normal” to the Player
conspiracy theorist with Smörks, and will believe whatever smörk-shit
a tin-foil cap and the crazy story they tell him.
certainty that he knows
how the world really The Player Smörks might find temporary
works. respite here, and even gear up using Prepper
Smörk’s supplies, but before long the horde
will be upon them, and Prepper Smörk is
likely to get paranoid that the Player Smörks
are agents of the Gnoblinatti (the secret
goblin organization that rules the world).

Prepper Smörk’s Hidey Hole has rows

of pickled food, several weapons and
miscellaneous items hanging from the wall,
and a sleeping cot. There’s a secret door to
a tunnel system that’ll allow exit from the
Hidey Hole to The Old Stump.
Topics that Prepper
Smörk talks about: Each Player Smörk rolls a:
• The Gnoblinatti: A secret D10 on the Weapons table and
goblin organization that rules D12 on the Vaguely More Helpful Items table.
the world.
• Daddy Smörk is a robot, The Horde of Hallucinated Horrors will
operated by the real ruler of appear in D10 minutes.
Smörkville: Smörkette. Once there, it will take them D6 rounds to
• Insects Aren’t Real, they’re get through the bunker door.
actually surveillance drones.
Have you ever actually seen a
baby insect? Didn’t think so.
• Frögs are smörkholes and
cannot be trusted. Prepper
Smörk doesn’t have a
particular reason why, other
than you can “just tell by
lookin’ at ‘em.”
Get weird with this too.

80
80
The Old Stump Hairy Horror
The Old Stump is a common place for (Opossum)
teenaged Smörks to congregate, get stoned, HP: 60 Morale: 4
and smörk each other. There’s a hidden
Armor: - Size: medium
hatch next to the log that opens into a tunnel
network that leads to Prepper Smörk’s Attack: bite d8
bunker. There’s also an opossum that Special: branch pounce.
recently took up residence in the stump, and Special: play dead.
will attack the Player Smörks on site, in an
attempt to protect its young inside the stump. Description: A furred
beast with 3 heads, each
To the Player Smörks, the Opossum takes
baring rows of sharklike
on the appearance of a multi headed Hairy teeth. Its faces are covered
Horror. in a white porcelain mask,
revealing dark beady eyes
underneath.

81
81
 Stoner Smörk Stoner Smörk’s Mom’s
HP: 4 Morale: 3 Basement
Armor: - Size: small Stoner Smörk is always at his Mom’s house,
Attack: because she has (free) food and is pretty
none. He’s a total pacifist. chill, which is probably why her name is
Cool-Mom Smörk. Although Stoner Smörk
Special: “That’s my secret, is also tripping, he doesn’t have the same
Cap. I’m always stoned.”
Stone Smörk is immune hallucinations as the Player Smörks. This is
to any negative effects partly because he’s ALWAYS tripping, and
associated with drugs. partly because he doesn’t have enough brain
cells left to be that imaginative.
Description: Dreads drape
down from under his
hemp cap, framing his Luckily, Cool-Mom Smörk isn’t home, and
perfect smile and droopy Stoner Smörk has some drugs that’ll totally
blood-shot eyes. mellow the Player Smörks out, and he like,
totally wouldn’t rat them out to the rest of
Smörkville. Actually, he would, because
he doesn’t want all of the mayhem they’ve
caused to be linked back to him.

If the Player Smörks take some downers

and eat snacks with Stoner Smörk, they’ll
Pass Out and restore d4 HP. In the
meantime, Stoner Smörk will fetch the
rest of Smörkville (The Horde of
Hallucinated Horrors) and bring
them back to his place.

If the Player Smörks don’t get

high and eat snacks, it’s kinda
rude, and also Stoner Smörk
will say he needs to run out
and grab “something”, when in
fact he’s going to fetch the rest
of Smörkville and bring them
back to his place.

82
82
Path to Borgamel’s Hovel
Borgamel’s house is likely to have some
kind of anti-psychoactive potion (hopefully).
There’s only one known path to Borgamel’s
Hovel, and unfortunately for the Player
Smörks, it’s being patrolled by a band of
four Lager Knights. Even more unfortunate,
the Player Smörks are hallucinating
that the Lager Knights are Multi-limbed
Automatons.

The Multi-limbed Automatons won’t attack the

Player Smörks on sight, but they will inform
the Player Smörks that if they have partaken
in mind-altering substances, had premarital
smörks, or are wearing caps of mixed fabrics,
they will be slain here and now.

[x4] Multi-Limbed Automatons (Lager Knights)

HP: 10 Morale: 8
Armor: -d6 Size: small
Attack: wields (4):
1.rusty box knife d6
2. huge rock on a stick d10
3. blunderbuss 3d6
4. aluminum knuckles d4
Description: Multi-limbed Automatons made
of lustrous shimmering metal, and laser eyes.
Their voices come from sound boxes
where their mouths should be, and
they speak with a monotone drone
as they inform others of their
moral and physical superiority.

83
83
 Borgamel’s Hovel
Borgamel’s house is a large structure of giant proportions (compared to a
Smörk). It’s on the outer edge of the forest, and his lawn looks like shit. He
keeps his potions and whatnot in the living room, because he’s a psycho.
Conveniently, there are many Smörk sized ratholes at the base of the
walls, so getting in and out undetected is feasible.

However, Borgamel and his pet cat Assrael are in the living room having
a heated argument about what to have for dinner. If either spot the Player
Smörks, they will attempt to do something evil to them, such as capture
them, eat them, torture them to death, or talk to them about his multi-level
marketing ‘business’. Conveniently enough, Borgamel and Assrael are
evil enough in reality that the tripping Player Smörks can’t hallucinate
anything worse.

None of Borgamel’s potions

are labeled, so it’s luck of the
draw whether or not one of
the potions the Player
Smörks grabs will cure
their hallucinations.

Borgamel
Total HP: 80 [T-40, H-20, P4-5ea]
Morale: 4
Armor: -d8 Size: large
Attack: trident (d10), foot stomp (d8),
potion throwing: roll 1d6 on the
Potions Table (Pg. XX) to determine
the effect of a hit.
Description: Blonde horseshoe
hair pattern and a handlebar
mustache in a red robe. A cord
belt accentuates his beer belly, and
secures his pouch of snuff.

84
84
 Assrael
Total HP: 32
Morale: 11
Armor: - Size: medium
Attack: bite (d8).
Description: A black cat
with the cutest little
green eyes, and its front
two mittens showing tufts
of white, like adorable
little socks! She loves
belly rubs, tuna fish, and
mercilessly torturing and
devouring Smörks. Did
I mention the cute little
white mittens?!

Borgamel’s Potions
1. Potion of Age
The drinker becomes D66 years old for D3 minutes.

2. Potion of Object Speaking

The drinker can speak to inanimate objects for D3
minutes. They don’t speak back.

3. Flesh-B-Gone
All of the drinker’s skin peels off. They feel no pain
and regrow their skin in D4 days.

4. Potion of Growth
The drinker becomes D6 times larger than they
were for D6 rounds.

5. Potion of Fertility
The drinker isn’t particularly more fertile than they
were, but now they have a raging smörk.

6. Potion of Unfun
The drinker no longer suffers the ill-effects of
potions or mind altering substances.

85
85
 Closing
Scenes
After coming down from their trip, the surviving Player Smörks must eventually
return to Smörkville and realize the mayhem they have caused. Depending on
how destructive their rampage was, the Player Smörks will be greeted with one
of the following scenarios:

1. The Player Smörks are ritualistically smörked on the spot, in

retaliation for the destruction they had caused.

2. The Player Smörks are commanded to smörk Borgamel so this type of

thing will never happen again.

Everyone acts like nothing happened, in fear of what further death and
3. destruction the Player Smörks might bring if confronted.

4. The Player Smörks are quested to find more of the psychedelic potency
potion, so all of Smörkville can get blitzed out of their minds.

5. The Player Smörks are deemed honored hallucinatory heroes and

given a parade, after which everyone gets absolutely smörked.

6. Smörkville is destroyed and all of the Smörks have been smörked,

either by the Player Smörks directly or by opportunistic enemies
attacking during the distraction the Player Smörks caused.

Smörk you next week!

86
86
Season Two, Episode Three

Come and try to

Snatch My
Cr ops
The Bumper Crop
Daddy Smörk has brewed a magic potion that will vastly increase
this year’s Smörkfruit yield to help them survive the oncoming
winter. He demonstrates the potion much to the delight of all of the
village’s inhabitants. Tired from a full day of developing the potion,
Daddy Smörk retires to take a nap, telling the rest of the Smörks that
he’ll make more of the potion in the morning.

The Cunning Plan

Dealer Smörk, Hippy Smörk, and Trippy Smörk can’t wait. They
have concocted a scheme to copy Daddy Smörk’s recipe instead so
they can make a vial of the potion and use it to enhance the growth of
their Smörkijuana plants instead! They’ve recruited you to help them
with promises of plenty of Smörkijuana for your Smörking pleasure
should the endeavor prove successful!

Episode written by Sen-Foong Lim

87
87
 Items: Location: Daddy Smörk’s Laboratory
Daddy Smörk’s
On a podium next to tables full of beakers
Compendium of
Potions Galore and flasks, sits the Compendium of Potions
Galore, a large hide-bound book where Daddy
Smörk has collected all of his measurements,
drawings, and recipes for the many potions he
has made in his long life. Interpreting Daddy
Smörk’s coded writing is nearly impossible.
Without telling the players what they need,
have them roll a DR check. On a successful
DR13 roll, the reader manages to read the
scrawling notes correctly. In any case, all
players who try to read it will be given a list of
the following ingredients:
• 250 ml chilled water from a babbling
brook collected at midnight
• 50 ml boiled goat’s milk
• 10 grams shaved beetroot
• 20 daisy petals
• A pinch of powdered Smörkfruit dust
But here’s where it goes wrong:
Players who failed the roll will think one of
the the following ingredients is the last one
required:
• 1 gram of burnt crane feathers
• 2 grams of crushed Insect exoskeleton
• 3 grams of pulverized squirrel nuts
Players who succeeded the roll will think that
the following is the last ingredient required:
• 4 ml of toad pus
Players who wish to make their own potion
will need to go hunt down the last ingredients
as Daddy Smörk used all of his stock up
devising the working potion.
Players can also wait until morning when
Daddy Smörk promised to make more of the
potion. If they wait, however, they will find that
both Daddy Smörk and his Compendium of
Potions Galore have been absconded with (See
“The Greedy Gnoblins”)!
88
88
Deep In The Weeds Items:
Smörkijuana Plants,
Location: The Smörkijuana Patch Carnivorous Plants
Hidden deep in the Bosk, a fair distance from
the Smörkville, lies the Smörkijuana Patch
where Dealer, Hippy, and Trippy Smörk
grow their precious plants. They have also
planted 4 carnivorous plants around the
Smörkijuana plants to deal with the Assorted
Jerk Insects that would otherwise destroy
the crop. These plants are already risky to
be around for those as small as the Smörks,
but Smörkijuana smoke seems to calm the
otherwise vicious vegetation the S down.

Getting to the patch may result in a

Wandering Monster (pg. 75).

The players may wish to try their potion(s)

here. The results will vary, depending on
the final ingredient they thought they were
supposed to use:

• Using burnt crane feathers results in

every Smörk in the scene taking 1 HP
damage that cannot be reduced by armor
due to a purple haze that seeps into the
lungs and causes a coughing fit that lasts
10 minutes straight; the plants it was used
on do not grow, but turn purple
instead.
• Using crushed insect
exoskeletons results in the
plants that the potion was
poured on becoming hard and
brittle like an insect’s shell.
Any Smörk picking these
brittle leaves is attacked by
1d2+1 Assorted Jerk Insects.

89
89
 • Using pulverized squirrel nuts results in
nothing visible happening to the plants the
potion is poured on. When exposed plants
are smoked, eaten, or consumed in any
way, any Smörk who does so grows fuzzy
brown fur all over their skin. This furry
growth lasts for 1d3+1 hours.
• Using toad pus results in the plants that
the potion was poured on growing up
to 3 times in size. While this might be
amazing for crops like Smörkberries or
Smörkijuana, the effects of this being
used on an already giant tree could be
catastrophic, for example…

Carnivorous Plants
HP: 3 Morale: -
Armor: tough stalk 1d2-1 (minimum zero) Size: medium
Attacks: maw. Does no damage but traps a Small opponent on a
successful hit. Trapped opponent must make a successful roll to escape at
the beginning of their turn DR10 in order to take their turn.
Special: Carnivorous plants secrete highly acidic digestive juices, dealing
1d2 damage per round to anything trapped in their maw.
Description: Deeply-rooted plants with large maws that can trap and engulf
any small creatures, these plants are brightly-colored to warn others of
their danger. They cannot move from where they are planted.
Useful parts: digestive juices: 50¢, tasty leaves: 10¢

Notes:
If the correct potion splashes
on a Carnivorous Plant, it
will immediately transform
into a humongous (and much
more dangerous) version...

90
90
Giant Carnivorous Plants
HP: 12 Morale: -
Armor: thick stalk 1d6-3 (minimum zero) Size: large
Attack: giant carnivorous plants first attack with:
1) Maw deals 1d4 damage and traps the opponent on a successful
hit. Trapped opponents must make a successful roll to escape at
the beginning of their turn DR14 in order to take their turn. A Giant
Carnivorous Plant can trap up to 4 small, 2 medium, or 1 large opponent
in their maw at a time.
Once its maw is filled, it will then attack with:
2) Spiked Tendrils deal 1d3 damage and trap 1 small opponent on a
successful hit. A trapped opponent must make a successful roll to escape
at the beginning of their turn DR9 in order to take their turn. A Giant
Carnivorous Plant has 2 spiked tendrils it can attack with each turn; it
will not attack with a spiked tendril that is trapping an
opponent.
Special: Carnivorous plants secrete highly acidic
digestive juices, dealing 1d6 damage
per round to anything trapped in
their maw
Description: Huge version of the
Carnivorous Plant, now with
dangerously spiked tendrils it
can ensnare creatures with!
Useful parts:
digestive juices: 100¢
spiked tendril whips: 100¢
tasty leaves: 10¢

91
91
 The Greedy Gnoblins
The Gnoblins have caught wind of Daddy Smörk’s discovery and
want the potion for themselves! A raiding party of 9 elite Gnoblin
Commandos has been dispatched to Smörkville to take whatever
is left of the precious fluid.

In order to get their oily little hands on the potion, the Gnoblin
Commandos will take the following actions:

a) If the players decide to wait for Daddy Smörk to wake up,

the Gnoblins will steal the Compendium of All Things Potion-y
from the Laboratory and kidnap Daddy Smörk while he’s
sleeping.
b)If the players decide to make their own potion, the Gnoblins
will ambush the Smörks at the Smörkijuana plot to steal any
potions that the players concocted.

The greasy Gnoblins will leave a lot of evidence in their wake,

should the players wish to chase them through the Bosk if Daddy
Smörk and/or the Compendium or potion itself is taken. Gnoblin
Commandos, for example, have 2 fingers and a thumb on each
hand for some reason, which distinguishes them from Smörks
(who have 3 fingers and a thumb on each hand). They leave oily
handprints on anything they touch and, being greedy, they touch a
lot! An astute Smörk might also be able to suss out that something
is wrong if they notice a bunch of curious oil stains on the tree
trunks surrounding the Smörkijuana Patch.

The Gnoblin Commandos will fight, but their main goal is to

escape with their ill-gotten prizes back into Gnoblin territory
where they will easily avoid capture once on home turf. Once they
get their greasy little hands on what they want; they will hightail it
back to their side of the Bosk. Once the Gnoblins have something
they want, the chase is on! Give the players a time limit after
which the Commandos escape back into Gnoblin territory.

92
92
 Useful Parts: captured: 150¢, mask: 30¢, flask of Gnob Oil: 10¢
Gnoblin Commandos
HP: 9 Morale: 8
Armor: rancid gnob oil
Provides no real protection but attackers must make a DR10 to grapple or grab a
Gnoblin Commando (though why would you even want to?)
Size: small
Attacks: wields (d4):
1. used kebab skewer d4+1
2. bottle cap throwing stars d4
3. porcupine quill crossbow d4+2
4. paperclip whip d4 + grapple - on a successful hit, a whip-wielding Gnoblin
Commando can elect to try to grab an item (something a Smörk-sized target
holds in one hand) and pull it back to them instead of dealing damage. This
requires a success roll, DR10.
Description: These elite-level Gnoblins not only refuse to wear pants or vests
but they insist on wearing masks at all times, as if you couldn’t identify them
by their other bits… Instead of armor, they coat their bodies in rancid Gnob Oil
before each mission. You may not be able to easily see a Gnoblin Commando, but
the smell is a dead giveaway.

93
93
 Closing Scenes
If the players are able to successfully concoct their own version of Daddy
Smörk’s potion, they will gain access to the following special item:

Priceless.
All the Smörkijuana a Smörk Could Want:
This special item means that any character with this item has some
small (or large) amount of Smörkijauna on their Smörkson at all times.

At. All. TIMES.

The amount varies based on the individual player’s desire. All players
who took part in this adventure can choose to take this special item
but if they ever choose to remove it from their inventory, it will be gone
forever.

If the players, instead, rescue Daddy Smörk from the greasy clutches of
the Gnoblins, Daddy Smörk will thank them profusely and legalize the
use of Smörkijuana (for medicinal use only!). The players will get access
to the special item:

örks, 100¢ to others.

Medicinal Grade Smörkijuana: 10¢ to Sm

If the Gnoblin Commandos manage to reach their territory with

any of the things they prize (Daddy Smörk, the Compendium of
All Things Potion-y, or any of the potions that the players made),
well then…

Even failure can lead to Smörking awesome new adventures!

Infiltrating the Gnoblin territory to rescue Daddy Smörk,
stopping the High Gnoblin from using the Compendium to make
an ultra-secret potion, saving the village from rampaging giant
Carnivorous Plants… those all sound like fun, right?

Smörk you next week!

94
94
SSmoörlkiong wSithmYouörsrelfkin s
the world of the Wee Fölk
One of my goals with most of what I design is to make a game that is
also fun to play as a lonely drinker solo adventurer. There are a couple
of ways one can go about doing this but the most important part of
playing solo is to embrace the fact that you are both the player and the
storyteller. The game will be much more enjoyable if you create and tell
the story to yourself as you go along. Rather than rolling the stats for a
chamber and just diving into whatever challenge it presents, reveal the
story of how your Smörk reaches the chamber, what they see and what
choices are presented.
• The simplest style of solo play for Smörk Borg (apart from the pre-
written episodes) is to pick a few thematic things - an episode spore
or a type of creature or treasure you are hunting, then roll for random
encounters and locations as you go.
• Creatures have a table that tell you how they react to you when
encountered. (pg. 20) not everything wants to eat you... right away...
• Keep a journal of your adventure, noting encounters, environment and
obstacles you face. Often recording your solo sessions will aid in the
storytelling and help create a more fleshed out world and experience.
• The most important thing to consider with playing Smörk Borg solo is
to have fun. If rules need modified or creatures changed so that you are
having a good time, I encourage that.

95
95
 Solo Oracles
Yes/No Oracle (d6)
Roll a d6 to decide yes or no:
1. No, and... (things get smörked)
Action/Theme Oracle (d6)
Roll a d6 to generate narrative direction:
1. Betray/Trust
2. No 2. Create/Destroy
3. No, but... (a small silver lining) 3. Seek/Avoid
4. Yes, but... (a minor complication) 4. Aid/Hinder
5. Yes 5. Attack/Defend
6. Yes, and... (something smörky happens) 6. Explore/Ignore

Location Oracle (d10) Object Discovery Oracle (d6)

Roll a d10 to determine the type of location Roll a d6 to find an item:
encountered:
1. Something valuable
1. Ruins (crypts, wreckage) 2. Something dangerous
2. Settlement (village/town) 3. Something mundane
3. Water feature (spring, creek) 4. Something magical
4. Religious site (temple, shrine) 5. Something broken
5. Risky area (cursed land, battlefield) 6. Something deceptive
6. Secret or hidden place
7. Drinking establishment (bar, pub)
Sensory Detail Oracle (d6)
8. Hollow tree Roll a d6 to add some details to a scene:
9. Enemy hunting grounds 1. Strange sounds
10. Drug den 2. Unpleasant smells
3. Ominous visual signs
The Shyamalan Oracle (d6) 4. Tactile sensations (heat, moist)
Roll a d6 when you need a twist in your story: 5. Whispers or distant voices
1. An ally betrays you 6. Eerie silence
2. A new threat emerges
3. A past mistake returns
4. An unexpected ally appears
5. A resource is lost or gained
6. A hidden truth is revealed

96
96
Season Three, Episode One

r k
te:

ö
SmörkmasterbeNo
played solo or with a SM and
part y. For

v
This shrümcrawl can ble the num ber of enemies
typi cally dou
3 or more player Smörks, r.
special rules in the encounte
encountered, or follow the

Drt
Fo
Daddy Smörk calls you
in to his shrüm to slap
you around for your
foolishness. When he’s
done, he informs you that
Smörks sent to the far
t
Eastern edge of the Föres
to collect concoctions fro m
Alchematrix Smörk never
came back. It is now upon
your cap to investigate and
re- establish the flow of
hardcore chemicals that
growing Smörks need to
forget their everlasting
pain.
Episode written by Scott C. McDonald
97
97
 Random Encounter
During the long and arduous journey
of at least thirty-seven yards, you
encounter: (d6)

1. The red-eyed dvörk blocks your

path and draws steel on you
sullenly. Well, it’s a thumbtack, but
it has a creepy-slick glowing rust.
2. Party Smörk is lying face down in
the path, as usual. As you relieve
them of their d4 spores, their body
Dvörk jerks upright and lurches at you. A
HP: 6 Morale: 9 puppeteer tick is attached to the
Armor: - Size: small back of their skull! If you somehow
save Party Smörk, they’ll meet you
Attack: cursed thumbtack at the Ruined Gates of Fortdunkel.
on a stick (d6):
Smörks test Presence 3. A redolent ant blocks your way. It
after battle if wounded smells so good, my smörk.
by its weapon, or get the
tetanus curse (+1 DR to 4. The Log of Fumes is the only way
all tests until cured with across the Rising Gorge. Why is
sap). it called the Rising Gorge? Stay
Description: Dark spirits inside the hollow log so you don’t
summoned into the bodies find out. Unfortunately the log’s
of Smörks via obscene rot makes it hard to stay conscious.
rituals. They have horns Test Toughness DR 10 or pass
and wear no caps. These out. You dimly hear a clang in the
Smörks are forced to distance. When you come to, you
helplessly watch their own can continue on seemingly without
atrocities... consequences...
Dvörk Spirit: If killed, the
demon within arises one
round later with d4 HP
and an intangible fingers
attack that does d4, but it
must test morale before
attacking. The spirit
takes half damage from
non-magical physical
weapons. It cannot take
on a new body on
its own.
98
98
5. The Mysterious Cap Merchant will RedolAnt Ant
trade you your cap for a different HP: 4 Morale: 8
cap. If you trade your cap to the Cap
Merchant, lose 1 from your highest
Armor: chitin -d2
stat (your choice if equal) and roll a Size: small
d6: Attack: pinchers (d4)
1. The new cap falls apart, no refunds Note: Attacks on it are DR
2. Red: gain 1 Strength 14 because it smells so
weirdly nice.
3. Green: gain 1 Toughness
Description: You aren’t
4. Pink: gain 1 Presence sure if this ant it tracked
5. Blue: gain 1 Agility through sugar of if
6. Roll d4+1 twice on this list and it naturally smells of
merge the colors and bonuses. Grandma Smörk’s
pastries.
Trading the caps later has no effect.
Sweet Necklace: If killed,
The Cap Merchant will flee into his
you may use some twine
own cap and disappear if attacked. to make a necklace out
NOTE: Changing your highest stat may of its glands that lowers
change your name! the DR of Defence checks
by 2 but makes enemies
6. Harvester Smörk is a good buddy of attack you first.
yours. That’s why they won’t mind if
you borrow from his farm on the way
through:
1. wait they do mind; Harvester
Smörk attacks!
2. d4 spores
3. d4 shrümshine
4. d4 raw smörkfruit
5. d4 sap
6. Harvester Smörk grabs some
provisions and joins you on your
trip; roll d4+1 on this table again,
and meet him at the Ruined Gates.
Smörkmaster Note:
For longer and more perilous
Harvester Smörk: adventures, consider having
HP 6, Morale 6, pitchfork d6 TWO random encounters!
Like, if Fortdunkel is
seventy-four yards away.
Reroll if you get the same
result twice.

99
99
 Puppeteer Tick Alchematrix Smörk’s Shack
HP: 3 Morale: 6 After the journey, you finally reach
Armor: - your destination, the Alchematrix’s
shack just outside the walled village of
Size: small
Fortdunkel.
Attack: mandibles (d4)
and test Toughness DR8 or The Alchematrix is an uncomfortably
lose d3 Presence.
edgy drug dealer whose concoctions
Description: Once it nevertheless keep the peace in your
attaches to the base of your village. The shack has been ransacked
smörking skull it wears you with dead dvörks everywhere, and
like a smörking suit.
she is currently holding her innards
Parasite: If your Presence together with bailing wire and staples.
goes below -3, the tick takes “The Dvörklord Teufel has already
up residence in your skull; taken the village and turned most of the
this is the end of the line for other Smörks but... Perhaps... all is not
solo players.
lost...” she whispers, beckoning you
Host: While the tick can closer to whisper her weird plan.
inhabit many things, it
prefers Smörk hosts with HP So here’s the deal: You gotta find her
5 Morale 8 and flailing fists
SMÖRKWAGEN somewhere in town.
d4. The tick can be directly
Alchematrix Smörk told you how to
targeted at DR 16 and, if
killed, the Smörk recovers to fix it up so you can take on Dvörklord
-3 Presence. Alternatively, Teufel’s extremely silly guardian, but
hard shrümshine dumped you only have six bell clangs to do it
on the back of the skull (test (or five if you fell asleep in the Log of
Agility DR 15) will cause Fumes) before the prophesied Time of
the tick to leave its host on Dvörking arrives.
its own, allowing the Smörk
to recover. If the host is
killed, it jumps free and tests
Morale.

100
100
The Shrümcrawl Begins Mushrüm Type: (d6)
From here on out you will need to 1. Bell Shrüm: Before you
map your progress. You start at the can stop it, the mushrüm
Ruined Gates of Fortdunkel Special clangs loudly; the Time
Shrüm (pg.104). of Dvörking approaches.
Upon the sixth clang, the
For each new shrüm you explore: Final Battle begins.
2. Hooked Shrüm: All
1. Roll for Mushrüm Type >
damage taken by any
2. Roll for Inhabitant (and to Loot dat corporeal being in this
Bödy if you kill something) sharkskin-like shrüm is
3. Roll for Ransmörking dat Shrüm increased by 1.
4. Choose a direction and repeat the 3. Tormented Shrüm:
process until you find Teufel’s The wind makes it sound
throne or the Time of Dvörking like this shrüm is in
arrives agony. Yes. Just the wind.
Increase the morale of all
A Note On Resting: You can pass out for creatures by 2 while here,
a full night of unconsciousness to heal as they are emboldened by
d6 at any time, but a clang will occur the screams.
sometime during the night, bringing 4. Garden Shrüm: After
you closer to the Time of Dvörking. dealing with Inhabitants,
test Agility; if successful,
Getting Slightly More Impressive: roll d4+1 on Harvester
Each time you defeat 5 Smörk’s table (random
enemies, or complete a encounter #6, above)
Special Shrüm, you can for bonus items when
roll to improve. (pg. 21) Ransmörking.
5. Alchemical Shrüm:
After dealing with
Inhabitants, test Presence
to roll an extra d6+1 on
the Ransmörk dat Shrüm
table for bonus items.
6. Special Shrüm: You
find the next Special
Shrüm on the list (they are
encountered in order). [pg.
104-105]

101
101
 Inhabitant Type: (d6) Ransmörk dat Shrüm: (d8)
1. A dvörk approaches. Once you deal with an Inhabitant,
you can just ransmörk the joint.
2. What’s this gnoblin doing
Each mushrüm can only be
here? Who cares? Smörk it up!
ransmörked once (but you might get
3. Golems are a threat in these extra items from some shrüms).
parts. This one rises from a pile
1. Nothing - restore 1 Luck (up
of demonic squirrel poo.
to max) because it can’t rain
4. Your nose leads you face to all the time.
face with a redolant.
2. Alchematrix Stash! d4
5. Roll on the Rescue Smörk substances & 1 potion
table. That Smörk is the host to
3. d4 glue
a puppeteer tick. If the Smörk
survives, send them to the 4. d4 twine
Ruined Gates. 5. Portabello extract...
6. You meet a Rescue Smörk, basically rocket fuel for fairy
who goes to chill at the Ruined snails
Gates. No fight this time! 6. Magic Stuff (d6: 1-4 random
black magic 5-6 random
yellow magic)
7. A Dümshrüm, used
to enhance the fairy
shrümcannon
8. Chest! Use lockpicks and
test Agility to open; you only
get one chance to open it
Loot dat Bödy: (d6)
due to a fairy curse. If you
If you manage to kill
succeed, roll d6+1 on this
something, they might have
table twice.
something neat.
1. Nothing, sorry.
2. 1 glue
3. 1 twine
4. d4 sap
5. lockpicks
6. Random weapon

102
102
Rescue Smörk: (d6) Extra Smörks: Other Smörks you
may have recruited along the way.
Each Smörk can only be rescued
once. If their result is rolled again,
reroll. NPS Smörks have no bonus Party Smörk: Their antics give
or penalty on die rolls. you -2 DR to attack or defend for
the first 2 rounds of the final battle.
1. Carpenter Smörk: Rigs
up some scaffolding for the Harvester Smörk: Each clang,
Smörkwagen (+4 Max HP) they produce a random substance,
2. Slingshot Smörk: Will take and they’ll feed substances or
potshots during the final battle. potions to the Smörkwagen without
Makes an extra attack for d4 using a PC turn.
damage each round.
Artificer Smörk: He fine-tunes
3. Mechanist Smörk: Can the Smörkwagen; adjust all DRs to
operate a weapon spinny during attack or defend with it by -1.
the final battle without the single-
operator penalty.
4. Beef Smörk: Has 8 HP and
will absorb hits that would
reduce the Wagen to 0 HP. Until
he dies, at least.
5. Veterinarian Smörk: Not a
doctor, but don’t be picky. She
can heal you for d8 once per
clang, and one more time during
the final battle.
6. Not a Smörk at all, but another
fairy snail! Hitch it to the
Smörkwagen to make it more
maneuverable (-1 DR to Defence
tests)

103
103
 Special Shrüms:
These mushrüms are encountered in order,
though they do not need to be completed in
order.

1. The Ruined Gates of Fortdunkel is

where you start, and you may return here at
any time before the final battle. While at the
gates, you can visit the Alchematrix Smörk’s
shack, who is still holding her guts together
for the time being. She will give you 1 glue
and heal you by d4 HP once per clang and
it’s best that you not ask why she doesn’t heal
herself.

Once you recover it, the SMÖRKWAGEN

can be stashed here, and any rescued
Smörks will also gather in the area and get
drunk until needed.

2. You’ve found the SMÖRKWAGEN!

This shrüm on wheels (pulled by a trusty
fairy snail) is integral to Alchematrix Smörk’s
weird plan. You see, it is a mobile fortress
with mechanical blades and an ancient
fairy shrümcannon that is capable of doing
hideous (and potentially hilarious) damage.
Those fairies were vicious little bastards, I
tell you what.

3. You barely see the overgrown

entrance to the Tomb Shrüm. It turns
out that Fortdunkel was built on fairy burial
grounds. They only moved the headstones.
A sinister figure lurches out of the crypt.

Mummified fairy:
HP 9 mummy wrappings -d2
chainsaw d12

104
104
 If recovered, the chainsaw fumbles on a 1-4
in the hands of a Smörk. In the crypt you
also find portabello extract, a dümshrüm,
and d4 glue among the crypts.

4. A bleeding heptagram takes up

the entirety of this shrüm. Tied up in the
heptagram is Artificer Smörk, Alchematrix’s
smörking-buddy and her cohort in designing
the Smörkwagen. Two dvörks (pg.98)
are reading some instructions written by
Dvörklord Teufel and trying to turn Artificer
into a dvörk.

One dvörk will fight you to try to give the

other time to finish the ritual. If you haven’t
defeated one dvörk by the end of the fourth
round, Artificer Smörk rises up, discards his
cap, and attempts to dvörk you up as well.

NOTE: In parties with 3 or more PCs, there

are three dvörks and you must defeat 2
dvörks by the end of the fourth round to
prevent the transformation. If you rescue
Artificer Smörk, you can send him to the
Ruined Gates, where he will presumably
smörk a bowl with Alchematrix prior to
tinkering with the Wagen. You also gain d4
twine and the Dvörklord’s instructions are
considered to be a random black magic.

5. You spot Dvörklord Teufel sitting

on his mushrüm throne, with his Demon
Squirrel familiar curled at the base of the
structure. You may turn back if you’re not
ready, but if you are, it’s time to summon the
SMÖRKWAGEN and smörk historic on the

a ttl e !
fury smörk!

Init i a te Fin a l B
105
105
 The Smörkwagen
STARTING SMÖRKWAGEN STATS:
HP: 15 Armor: fibrous exterior -d2
Attack: Fairy shrümcannon d8, weapon spinny d4
Though it can be crewed by up to four Smörks, due to a complicated
series of pedals and pulleys, a single Smörk can fire the cannon and
attack with all weapon spinnies, suffering a cumulative +2 DR for each
attack after the first (so a third attack would be at +4 DR). The Wagen
driver also makes Agility tests to defend it against attacks.

106
106
UPGRADING THE SMÖRKWAGEN
As you add bits to the Wagen, it gets stronger. You need either glue or twine
to add any other item to the Wagen (you get the effects of both the added item
and the glue or twine); consult the tables below for the accumulated benefits
of adding resources.

Each time the Wagen takes damage, whether it is absorbed by armor or not,
lose 1 resource of your choice (unless prevented by a Smörk using twine to
strap it back into place). Losing resources decreases the effectiveness of the
Wagen by lowering the benefits received; check the new total benefit after
each resource loss.

Bioweapon: Note that the Wagen can

benefit from substances and potions
Glue
Glue can alternatively be spent during
the same as a Smörk, but it takes an
battle to heal d6 HP to the Wagen
action from a crew member.
Total Glue Total Benefit
+1 max HP

+3 max HP

+6 max HP

+10 max HP

+15 max HP
(or more)

Twine
Twine can alternatively be used during battle
to prevent the loss of resources when the
Wagen takes damage as a free action
Total Twine Total Benefit
+1 max HP
Upgrade to -d4 Armor
+3 max HP
Upgrade to -d6 Armor
+6 max HP
(or more)

107
107
 Dümshrüms
Improve your Shrümcannon!
Total Dümshrüms Total Benefit
Shrümcannon d10
Shrümcannon does d6 explody to a 2nd foe
Shrümcannon d12
Shrümcannon ignores all armor
Shrümcannon d20
(or more)

Weapon
Just strap your extra smörk weapons onto the spinny things
Total Weapons Total Benefit
Weapon spinny does d6

Add 2nd weapon spinny d4

2nd weapon spinny does d6

1st weapon spinny ignores armor

2nd weapon spinny ignores armor
(or more)

108
108
Portabello Extract
This may alternatively be used up to summon the Wagen to fights before the
final battle
Total Extract Total Benefit
Juice your fairy snails for -1 DR to Wagen Defence
When the Wagen is hit, the attacker takes d6 explody
Juice your fairy snails for -2 DR to Wagen Defence
When the Wagen is hit, the attacker takes d10 explody
Each fairy snail can now attack for d6

(or more)

Lockpicks
Lockpicks can also be used to... uh, pick locks... and can be sacrificed for an
additional -1 DR to one attack by the Wagen
Total Extract Total Benefit
Fine-tune the weapon spinnies for -1 DR to attack
Calibrate the shrümcannon for -1 DR to attack
Fine-tune the weapon spinnies for -2 DR to attack
If weapon spinny rolls 1 for damage, add d6 damage
Calibrate the shrümcannon for -2 DR to attack
(or more)

109
109
 Fi n a l B a ttl e !
Once the final clang rings out, the prophesy of the Time
of Dvörking becomes reality. Wherever you are, you
are summoned before Dvörklord Teufel’s throne (if this
happens you do NOT have time to do final upgrades on
the Smörkwagen). Alternatively, if you’ve discovered
his mushrüm throne you may initiate the final battle
yourself after preparation.

Teufel sends his familiar, a demonic squirrel, to

destroy the Smörkwagen first, content to watch from
his throne until it is defeated. NOTE: In parties with 3
or more PCs, Teufel will instead join the battle on the
3rd round regardless of whether the squirrel has been
defeated.

Demonic Squirrel (Small)

HP: 32
Morale: - (does not flee)
Armor: sinister fluff [-d4]
Attacks:
Claws [d6+1],
Fire Breath: [2d6]
Note: Fire breath is only used
on the Smörkwagen; if it hits,
each crew member must roll
Defence or take d4 as well; once
used, roll d4 to see how many
turns before it can use the fire
breath again.

110
110
If you have not defeated the dvörks from the
heptagram yet, roll d4+1 to see what round they arrive
on, joining the battle on behalf of their lord.

The opponents will attack the Smörkwagen first, and

any survivors once it is destroyed.

Closing Scenes
If you defeat Teufel (whether he is killed or flees),
the Time of Dvörking turns out to be not so bad,
Alchematrix Smörk finally heals herself, and, when
you return home, Daddy Smörk gives you less severe
beatings from now on.

If you fail to defeat the Dvörklord, Fortdunkel becomes

a heck on earth, Alchematrix Smörk lets all her guts fall
out so she dies before becoming dvörk’d, and dvörks
start attacking your village as well.
Nice job, jackass.

Smörk you next week!

Dvörklord(Small)
HP: 16
Teufel
Morale: 8
Armor: weird aura [-d4]
Attacks:
Blasty Twig [2d6+2] recharges
in 2 rounds,
Karate: [d6+1]

111
111
 Adapting Large Enemies From
Mörk Borg to Smörk Borg!
The size of the Smörks makes adapting creatures and enemies
from other Mörk Borg modules and games doable, but they
require a few simple adjustments.
1. First, look at the creature and decide how many Body Parts
it has. Most usually have a Head, Torso, and some amount of
limbs, wings, tails, tentacles, and other parts.
2. Take the monster stats as listed in Mörk Borg (or any
supplement) and multiply their HP x3.
3. Apply 1/3 of the resulting total HP to the largest body part.
(Ususally this is the Torso of the creature.)
4. Divide the remaining 2/3 HP between their body parts:
usually their Limbs and Head. Round down for any Limb,
with the extra points going to the Head. (Use logic when
determining what constitutes a Limb – arms, legs, wings,
tails, unusually large testicles... anything that would likely
cause a creature pause if it was severed in combat.)
5. Their morale stays the same, but that stat divided by 3
(rounded down) tells you how many limbs/parts have to be
damaged on the enemy to trigger a morale roll. If they have
“-” for morale, that remains. Approach at your own risk –
these enemies won’t stop stomping!
6. Any armor, damage resistance, or shield listed; roll two
of that die instead. If they don’t have any armor, they
automatically have -d2.
7. The same doubling of the dice applies to any damage they
deal unless the enemy is a particularly deadly one, then up
the die type by one notch and roll 2 of them. (d2-d4-d6-d8-
d10-d12-d20)
8. Their to-hit DR drops by two. The Large Enemy Combat
rules for avoiding damage apply to most adapted enemies.

112
112
Let’s Adapt Seth the Goblin!
Seth’s stats in Mörk Borg are:
HP: 6 Morale: 7 Armor: -d2 Attack: d4
1. Seth’s a “normal” bipedal shape, so we will say he has a torso,
head, and four limbs.
2. Take the 6 hit points and multiply it by 3, giving you 18 HP.
3. 6 HP goes to the Torso, with the remaining 12 divided between
the two arms, two legs, and head, with any excess on each Limb
being applied to the Head. 12 divided by 5 is 2.4. That gives each
Limb 2 hit points and the Head 4 HP. (In the case of something
with more limbs, wings, etc, simply divide the points by all
applicable parts, with a minimum of 1 HP to each.)
4. Their Morale is 7. Divided by three and rounded down gives us
a 2. That means they have to have 2 parts knocked down to zero
HP before they will roll for Morale.
5. Their ropy skin armor now gives them a -2d2, and their weapon
now does 2d4 damage.
6. Their to-hit Difficulty Rating drops by two. In this case, dropping
Seth from a DR14 to a DR12.
7. To determine their Defence Rating, use
the table on page 25. In this instance,
Seth is a goblin, so he’s listed: DR12.
For a party of Smörks to face off against
Seth the Goblin, these would be his
new stats:
Seth The Goblin
HP: 18 [T-6, H-4, L4-2ea]
Morale: 7/2
Armor: -2d2
Attack: 2d4
To-Hit: DR12
Climb: DR10
Dodge: DR12

113
113
114
114
A SMÖRKING INDEX
Abilities......................................................... 12 Smorkmaster: Episode Spores..................76
Armor.............................................................29 Smorkmaster: New Smörks.......................75
Creating your Player Smörk.........................5 Smorkmaster: Random Encounters.........75
Creature Stats..............................................60 Smorkmaster: Tips......................................74
Creatures: Assrael.......................................85 Smorkmaster: Wandering Monsters........75
Creatures: Automatons...............................83 Smörks: The List..........................................45
Creatures: Borgamel [LG]................... 73, 84 Solo: Oracle...................................................96
Creatures: Boskogre [LG]...........................71 Solo: Tips.......................................................95
Creatures: Carnivorous Plants..................90 Substances: Potions List............................35
Creatures: Cat...............................................66 Substances: Substances List.....................33
Creatures: Crane..........................................65 Tests & Difficulty Ratings...........................13
Creatures: Demonic Squirrel...................110 The world of the Smörks...............................1
Creatures: Dvörk..........................................98 Violence.........................................................15
Creatures: Dvörklord Teufel....................111 Violence: Combat Rolls`.............................16
Creatures: Faerie.........................................68 Violence: Initiative.......................................15
Creatures: Garden Gnome..........................61 Violence: Large Enemy Attacks.................24
Creatures: Giant Plants [LG]......................91 Violence: Large Enemy Combat.................22
Creatures: Gnoblin......................................63 Violence: Large Enemy Defeat...................26
Creatures: Gnoblin Commandos...............93 Violence: Large Enemy Defence................25
Creatures: Golem.........................................66 Violence: Large Enemy Initiative..............22
Creatures: Hairy Horror.............................81 Violence: Large Enemy Morale..................25
Creatures: Horde.........................................79 Violence: Large Enemy Parts.....................23
Creatures: Insects........................................64 Violence: Morale..........................................18
Creatures: Lager Knight.............................67 Weapons (Smörk Creation)..........................8
Creatures: Mummified Fairy....................104 Weapons List................................................31
Creatures: Opossum....................................63
Creatures: Pocket Dog................................62
Creatures: Puppeteer Tick...................... 100
EPISODES:
Creatures: RedolAnt....................................99
Magic Mushrooms & The Horde of
Creatures: Seedmore [LG]..........................70 Hallucinated Horrors ...............................77
Creatures: Seth The Goblin......................113
Creatures: Skelly..........................................68 Come and Try to Snatch My Crops..........87
Creatures: Squirrel......................................62
Creatures: Tin Can Sam [LG].....................72 Dvörk Fort...................................................97
Creatures: Toad............................................69
Creatures: Troll [LG]...................................71
Creatures: Wild Boar [LG]..........................72
Creatures: Wino...........................................65
Crit & Fumble...............................................17
Death..............................................................14
Equipment.....................................................30
Explosive Rules............................................10
Explosives.....................................................31
Falling Down.................................................18
Getting Slightly Better................................21
Hit Points......................................................14
Large Enemies: Stat Format......................27
Luck................................................................11
Magic: Bad Trips..........................................43
Magic: Black Magic......................................41
Magic: Yellow Magic....................................40
Money & Commerce....................................28
Mörk Borg Enemy Conversion.................112
Music & Sing-Alongs...................................37
Pass out.........................................................20
Range.............................................................19
Reactions: Creatures...................................20

115
 Abilities & Tests
AGILITY dodge, defend, jump, run away
Combat
INITIATIVE D6:
PRESENCE aim, charm, observe, intimidate
1-3 Enemies Begin
STRENGTH smash, punch, wrestle, drag
4-6 Smörks go first
TOUGHNESS resist conditions, stay sober
Individual: Agility + d6
TESTS DIFFICULTY [DR]
MELEE DR12 STRENGTH
Roll d20 ± ability 6 smörking simple
equal to or greater 8 pretty routine RANGED DR12 PRESENCE
than DR to succeed. 10 easy DEFENCE DR12 AGILITY
Creatures only roll 12 normal
unmodified d20 14 difficult
against DR. 16 hard CRIT (NATURAL 20)
18 smörking hard
Attack: x2 damage, armor
reduced one tier.

Adventuring Defence: PS gains a free attack

REACTION (2D6) PASS OUT (REST) FUMBLE (NATURAL 1)

2-3 KILL! Smoke a stem heal d4 HP Attack: Weapon is broke or lost
4-6 Arrgh! Pass out heal d6 HP
Defence: PS takes double
7-8 Meh! damage
Infected? No healing
9-10 Hello! when passed out. Take d6
11-12 Smörk! damage each day
BROKEN (0 HP) D4:

MORALE (2D6) ROLL MORALE IF: 1. Pass out for d4 rounds,

wake up with d4 HP.
If you roll over the the leader is killed,
2. Roll a d6: 1-5 = a broken
creature’s Morale, half the group is dead, or
or severed limb. 6 = Lost eye.
d6: 1-3=Flees lone enemy has 1/3 HP left Smörked for d4 rounds. Wake
4-6=Surrenders up with d4 HP.
3. Bleed out and die in d2
hours unless treated. All tests
FALLING DOWN SING-ALONGS
are DR16 the first hour, DR18
Take no damage To sing together, every the next.
if falling/jumping Smörk must perform a 4. You are smörked.
5 feet or less. At DR12 Presence test. If
greater distances, they drink first, gain +4 to
roll a d20. On a roll. +3 to all with music. ARMOR TIERS
result of 1, take d6 Effects of a Sing-Along: 1-light 2-medium* 3-heavy**
Damage. Re-roll morale, re-roll -d2 -d4 -d6
fumble, 3 rounds of -3DR
*+2DR Agility tests
tests, or recover full HP
when passed out. **+4DR Agility tests (Defence
+2DR)

116
Large Enemy Combat
INITIATIVE D6: LARGE ENEMY MORALE
Smörks always go first unless the Enemy stats show overall morale
enemy has surprised them. and how many body parts must be
damaged (0HP)to trigger a Morale roll.
BODY PARTS
Once triggered, if you roll over the
A large enemy’s HP is divided creature’s Morale, d6:
between parts. (head, torso, limbs, 1-3=Flees 4-6=Surrenders
wings, etc...) A Smörk must target a
body part within range for an attack. DEFEATING A LARGE ENEMY
MELEE DR8 STRENGTH You can defeat a large enemy in one of
RANGED DR8 PRESENCE two ways:

CLIMB DR10 AGILITY Damage all of their Limbs to zero HP

DEFENCE DR6-8* AGILITY Drop their Torso and Head body parts
*Large enemies have varying Defence ratings.
to zero HP.
See individual stats for specific details.

LUCK EXPLOSIVES
Each point of Luck can be used to do one of Explosives do their listed
the following: damage to anything in
the “Close” range of the
• Deal maximum damage with one attack
explosion. If they are in the
• Reroll any one dice roll “Near” range, they take one
• Avoid damage dealt to you by d6 points half of that damage (rounded
down). Roll the listed damage
• Ignore the effect of a Crit or Fumble one time, and that applies to
• Lower a test DR by -4 all affected by the explosion.
Armor does NOT protect the
• Swig some Shrümshine
victims of explosives.
Some explosives have a
MAGIC Wick that you light on fire.
To light an explosive: roll a
Uses: Presence +d4 each day. d20. If you roll a 1, it goes off
To Use: Make a Presence DR12 test. You prematurely in your hand!
may only use magic that you already know. If it is a Thrown explosive, it
You may use the same magic more than goes off on impact.
once per day.
Fumble: The explosive
If you fail, the magic doesn’t work, you take detonates in the air. You
d2 damage and are smörked up for an hour. suffer the same damage
A critical fumble results in a Bad Trip. as the “Near” range of the
explosion.
117