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Infant Mental Health Journal, Vol. 15, No. 1, Spring 1994
Book Review
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THE EMOTIONAL LIFE OF THE TODDLER by Alicia Lieberman, New York:
Free Press, 1993, 228 pages, $22.95.
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Reviewed by Martin Drell
Alicia Lieberman’s new book The Emotional Life of the Toddler is an important
addition to the growing list of books about infants and toddlers that meet the needs
of intelligent/curious parents and clinicians wishing to know more about this
developmental period. It serves as a wonderful primer to the toddler years (12 months
to 36 months), introducing the reader to psychoanalytic thought, attachment theory,
and the latest developmental research.
The book is divided into ten chapters that move from general issues concerning
toddlers (The Emotional Importance of Early Relationships; Who Is the Toddler?
The Challenges of Being [and Raising] a Toddler) to issues of temperament (The Ques-
tion of Temperament; The Active Toddler: Racing Ahead; The Shy Toddler: Taking
One’s Time) to specific topics (Early Anxieties, Issues to Negotiate: Separation Anx-
iety, Temper Tantrums, Sleep Problems, Sibling Relationships, Discipline, When
Parents Divorce; The Toddler in Child Care). Each chapter builds on the previous
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chapters but is able to stand alone for those interested in reading specific sections.
Each chapter is interspersed with numerous clinical vignettes that illustrate and
educate. These vignettes allow the reader to get to know toddlers through their own
words and actions.
Throughout this short volume (228 pages), Dr. Lieberman stresses the following
key points that dominate the life of the toddler and the caregiver’s life with the toddler:
That the key to understanding toddler behavior is the process of separationhdividuation.
That the process of separationhdividuation takes place within a relationship.
That the infant brings an individuality to this relationship, therefore Taking it a “partnership.”
That raising toddlers can stir up issues from the parents’ past.
That these stirred up issues can interfere with the parents’ ability to act as a “secure base” for their
child’s exploration and growth.
+ That parents don’t need to be perfect.
+ That limits are appropriate.
+ That the partnership evolves over the span of time from the beginning to the end of the toddler period.
The author returns to these points over and over again as different topics are dealt
with.
@Michigan Association
98 for Infant Mental Health
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A . Lieberman
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To give the reader a sense of the usefulness of Dr. Lieberman’s book, I will allow
the book to sell itself:
The goal of this chapter is not to provide quick fixes, but to describe the emotional experience of
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toddlers and parents, offering an attitude for understanding the trials and tribulations of this age. (p. 32)
The repair of breaks in the partnership is important as it “inoculates against hopelessness and despair.”
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(P. 51)
Adam’s mother responds to his headbanging by placing him in his crib while telling him that she
cannot let him hurt himself. At first, she feels guilty and worried that putting him in the crib is punishing
Adam for punishing himself. However, Adam responds well to this maneuver. Some children respond
best to being held and cuddled while having a tantrum. Adam’s mother found that this did not work
well for him. (p. 84)
lndividual differences between parents can be very useful in giving children alternative but equally
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valid perspectives on how to negotiate the world. (p. 88)
Tobias could not think of himself as angry without immediately becoming terrified of his badness.
(P. 114)
On the basis of this rudimentary form of logic (in the toddler), the toddler’s unspoken (and speakable)
train of associations in cases of divorce goes approximately like this:
+ If daddy left, then people can go away and if so, maybe mommy will leave me too.
+ If mommy stopped loving daddy, maybe she will stop loving me.
+ If mommy and daddy got angry and don’t want to live together anymore, maybe they won’t want
to live with me either when they get angry at me. (p. 179)
Toddlers do not give speeches about their inner lives . . . they rely on symbols, games, facial expres-
sions, sudden silences, body language, and half-sentences to convey what they remember and how they
feel about it. They also rely on adults to decode these messages and to respond to them. (p. 286)
Through her many years of experience studying and treating toddlers, Alicia Lieber-
man has created a book that will be of tremendous help to those seeking assistance
and support. It will serve as an important aid in helping to “decode” the mysteries
of the toddler period and to allow parents to be more effective partners with their
children. It is The Magic Years updated for the 90s.
REFERENCE
Fraiberg, S. (1959). The magic years. New York: Charles Scribner’s & Sons.
