TilE STAGE MANAGER'S LEARNING TO liVE WIIH

NIGHTMARE PERSONAL GROWTH

by Mark Leiren-Young · by Arthur Milner

From a revue of comedy sketches entitled "Watchin." Jeff's relationship with his wife is going nowhere and his
job has become more boring and more difficult, but then he
1:20 makes two new friends who change his life forever. ·
HOUSE MANAGER 1:25
Hello, I'm your front-of-house manager and I really must apologjze JEFF
to you for the delay this evening. The show will be beginning Whatever the problem was, I couldn't talk to Marla about it. Marla
shortly.,. While we're waiting I may as well tel~ you a lirtle about and I can talk. We have really good talks sometimes, we can talk for
the work. As you probably know it's about a king whose wife is hours about a movie we've seen, or people we know. But Marla
raped by two gentlemen-perhaps gentlemen isn't the word I'm always wants to talk about our relationship, and I don't mind, it's
looking for_:.who cut off both her hands and removed her tongue in not that, it's just-1 don't feel like there's very much to say. Marla
order that she will not be able to identify them. Eventoally, thought that was a problem. I didn't. I've talked to guys I know, and
·. however, the husband discovers the ruffians' identity, bakes them . I've asked women about it and it just seems to be one of those
into a pie and serves the boys to their parents. It's a tragedy. A constants about couples. Women want to talk about their
Shakespearian tragedy. That means everybody dies. If it was a relationship, men don't. Women think it's a problem that men don't
comedy everybody would get married, except for the villain. It's not want to talk. Every night, I'm sure there's a lot of guys out there
a very good play actually, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it. After all, it is saying, "I trunk it's alright. I don't see any serious problem." For
Shakespeare ... And while we're waiting I'll introduce you to some me, the problem was something different, it was bigger than that. I
of the people involved in the show. Fred Jenkins, our lighting board remember heariog on the radio one time about a·couple who were
operator. Susan Wong, who does our sound. I'd like to introduce celebrating their sixtieth weddiog anniversary. I started to sweat. I
youto the author, but he couldn't be with us this evening. That was thought, Marla and I have been married for eight years. That leaves
a joke. You see, the author's dead. Died hundreds of years ago. fifty-two more years. Is Marla going to want to talk about our
That's why everybody does his play-no royalties. relationship for another fifty-two years? I couldn't very well say to
her, "I have this problem. I can't imagine us living together for
another fifty-two years. Nothing personal." But the thing was, it
Available from Playwrights Union of Canada as a copyscript. wasn't personal. It wasn't Marla that depressed me. It was the
image that depressed me. I felt stuck. I could see myself in frfty-two
years, sitting in an Italian restaurant, spilliog over the sides of the
chair, and Marla asking me, did I really love her, or why I wasn't as
excited about her birthday as I used to be.

Available from Playwrights Union of Canada as a copyscript.

-174- -175-
From Lonely Planet by Steven Dietz

Carl

Well, things at the paper are crazy. Just crazy. No one understands, Jody. They
really don't. There are all these so-called "reputable" journalists who walk around
bitching and moaning how hard it is to cover the news. How taxing it is to look around
and put into inverted pyramid form something that happened. I should be so lucky, Jody.
Do you think I can get away with just typing up stuff that happened? Please. When you
write for a tabloid, you have to create the news. And believe me, that is taxing.
Many's the day I wished I could walk out my door, see a little fire across the
street, go to work and type it up: "A little fire happened yesterday across the street."
How sweet, how simple. But that little fire is not a story at my paper unless an elderly
woman with a foreign accent was washing dishes, and she looks down at the white plate
she is scrubbing, and there, there on the white plate she is holding is the face of Jesus,
Jesus himself, all beatific and covered with suds- and the face of Jesus speaks to her.
The face ofJesus says: "Drop. The. Plate." And the woman is frozen with fear. And
again, Jesus says: "Drop. The. Plate." And the woman speaks. The woman says, "It's
part of a set." Jesus stands firm. "If you want to be with me in heaven, you will drop.
The. Plate." The woman is shaking with fear. She tries to explain that it was a wedding
gift some forty years ago from an uncle who suffered from polio and died a pauper -but
Jesus doesn't give an inch. It's as though he's gone back and read the Old Testament.
"I'll give you one more chance," he says. "Then I'll have the fire of hell consume your
soul." The woman, tears streaming down her face, tries to quickly submerge him under
the soapy water- but the water is gone. The sink is gone. Only the. plate, and the face,
remain. She stares at him, trembling. He says: "Well?" She has a realization. This is
not Jesus. This is not her Lord and Savior. This is an imposter. This is the spirit of
Satan entering the world through her dishware. She looks the plate squarely in the face
and says: "I renounce you."
Within seconds, she's toast. So is the building.
The firemen do not find the slightest trace of her. But there, in the midst of the
smoking rubble, the dinner plate shines white and pristine. And burned into it forever is
the image of the woman's final, hideous expression. The last face she made before she
became a china pattern.
My paper can run a story like that.
 LONE STAR by James Mclure

Roy loves to reminisce about his adolescent adventures as the

owner of the only 1959 pink Thunderbird convertible in
Maynard, Texas.
.
It is one A.M. on a summer morning behind Angel's Bar. Roy
is telling his younger brother, Ray, about his first sexual
encounter in the back seat of his beloved car.

ROY: In the spring of nineteen hundred and sixty-one I took

Edith Ellen Hyde out in that car a mine. Took her parkin' out
to Thompson's road. That was the night I looked up her dress.
Up until then I had no idea what life was all about (pause) We
kissed and kissed till we got half way good at it. Then she
took off her shirt. (pause) That was the first nipple I'd had in
my mouth since Mom's. But nipples are like bicycles: once
you learn you never forget how. Finally we got the windows
all steamed up, and I couldn't wait. Got the car to smell like
the smell of a woman and I just had to see it. Edith Ellen
didn't want me to see it. Said it was bad enough me touchin'
it without wantin' to look at it. She even tried to scare me.
Said it looked God awful. But she couldn't talk me out of it.
I was a man with a mission. So I scooted over and scrunched
down under the steerin' column like this and she lifted up her
skirt and I lit a match like that. And I looked at th~ damn
thing. (pause) And y'know, y'wonder what the first explorer
felt. The first explorer that climbed over that hill and saw--
stretched out before him, in all its God glory--the grand canyon.
Well that's what I felt like when Edith Ellen Hyde lifted her skirt
and said, "here it is," I looked, and it was AWE-INSPIRING. I
felt like Adam. I felt like the man who discovered the Grand
Canyon.

CM:LDNE.STAR
 ,. .!
. '~
THE RABBIT FOOT
THE RABBIT FOOT
by Leslie Lee
Billy. All of 'em- gone! Done tasted a little bit a ~om,_b?~ a
Rural Mississippi - 1920- Reggie (20's)
little bit's better n' nothin'. You all understand what I m saym ·
Reggie is a youug black man whose life bas been cbanged by his
experiences in France in World War I. Here, Reggie tells his
wife a story about a fellow soldier.

.1 REGGffi: (Moves tOOJY from her, .trembling.) I'd rather be in the

ground than to live this way. (Beat.) There was this boy over
there. His name was David Frames. We called him Little David.
i1 i' He said he was seventeen, but he probably lied 'bout his age.
Might've been fifteen. From Arkansas. One night, I'm comin' back
from guard duty. And it's cold and dark, and all I can hear is my
!. ! feet crunchin' on the ice. All a sudden I hear somebody snifflin' and
\I
.l
I,
cryin'. And I gets close, and there's Little David, sittin' in the cold
I on some tree stump, huddled up to lreep warm, and cryin' his fool
r head off. And he sees me, but it's too late to pretend he ain't
cryin'. I done caught him! "What's wrong, Little David? You
done got bad news from home?" He wouldn't tell me. And I says,
"Come on, Little David you's a soldier in the Yew-nited States
Army, and you ain't s'pposed to be cryin'. S'ppose some German
soldier sneak up on you and see you cryin'? They'll swear they done
i got the war won. • And finally he tells me. He's cryin' cause he's
happy and sad at the same time. He's happy to be alive for the first
! time in his life, but he's scared to death a gettin' kilt by some
German bullet. Just like ev'rybody else he found out what it is to
be a man. And he kept talk:in' bout goin' over the hill. He's gonna
desert. He ain't gonna get kilt just when he knows what livin's
'bout. And I say, "Little David, you can't, man. Ain't no way.
You're a colored man. And even if you do get a bullet, least you
know what it's like to be treated like you s'pposed to." Anyway, he
didn't run. He stayed. Well a bullet did get him one day near the
end a the war. Blam! He didn't even know what hit 'im. Little
David was gone. And that's what it was all about. Wasn't white
women, it was Little David and Kansas City Jimmy and New York
61
60

l.-------------··-------·---·····--·-·------------.......,.,.,....,!.------,.....------- ~ I
 NEBRASKA OUR OWN KIND
SAC ba by Keith Reddin by Roy MacGregor
se, Omaha, NE - Present - Swift (30's) England- Present- Ollie (46-50)
Swift has known the mill
understandi f buy all his life and has limited A kind-hearted bus driver, Ollie seems to have won his battle
ng o events occuning 18de hi .
routine. Here, he teiJs the sad tal ouf hal . s daily Air Force against loneliness. He'i", he prepares for an evening of roller-
e 0 Vlng to kiiJ his dog. skating.
SWIFT: I had to kill my dog toda Gi
my wife says it was more like ei~ dget ~ close to seventeen, (Kitchen, later. Lorna is dt the table, studying. Ollie enters, dressed
fulks had taken her for the ti' teen, !hat s old fur a dog. My up ready to go out. He gives his shoes a jiiUil brush.)
brought her out here Andme da •n Germany, and then we
da webywere OLLIE: Friday night-magic. A man needs an interest, Lorna.
getting worse. First she got kin~ of bl' y' you could see she was · . Something more than just an evening slumped in front of the box.
of the street, car horns blastin •nd •. "':~'king into the middle When you think of the state I was in after your Mum did a runner
from her, walking into· closeld truc~hi~mg a couple of inches ... I was gutted. Should have seen it coming, of course. I'm too
not seeing it was closed The thoorbas, owmg the door was there trusting. Naive. Then ~ end up getting walloped. (He recalls)
dragging her body around · rnecklegs
. gave out. She started' Went downhill faster than a snowball, didn't I, eh? Zombie. Sitting
Finally she could hardly get • •mfmg and. huffing, falling down. around moping, drinking tOO much... no wonder I ended up with gall-
outside, into the sun Gidget u!id had ~ pick her up just to get her stones. Don't know what I'd have done without you and Sylvie,
head, making these ~ds
81
';!;n this old blanket not lifting her but. ..
knew she was going So ~ou I . w, groans and sighs, cause she [LORNA: (Mimics him) 'It was old Doctor Meadows did it ... '
of the car, drove ou~ Route J~ ~~her up, put her in the back OLLIE: ... it was old Doctor Meadows did it. Telling me to take up
right behind the ear. I didn't think :ld, Ia~ her ~wn, shot her an interest, something q~et, relaxing. The Chess Club-took to it
Smoked a cigarette and waited till knebout II. I JUSt shot her. like a duck to whatsit: Wonder what your Mum would say if she
1
Rolled her up in the blanket, he . w her soul had left her. knew I was the local chess champ. Me, old bonehead Ollie. She
Buried her. Had dinner We put r 10 the trunk, drove home. used to say I was a slob. She may have had a point. But I'm a slob
Julie to wait a while I;d had~ about another dog, but I told with an aptitude now. Strange, discovering an aptitude. Like
now, under the dirt. · get so long. So she's out back finding money in the pocket of an old coat. (He finishes brushing
his shoes.) Sometimes you get the feeling that there really is
Someone Up There. A line woman, is Pam. Couldn't fit the bill
better if I'd ordered her out of a catalogue.

54
55
 Allen, Naked to him that he's being set while utterly deceiving your opponents.
That's the setter's job. And yet while you're in that zone, that state
Robert Coles
of grace, while you are utterly in command, your work seems
effortless to the casual viewer. The warriors, the heroes, the Greek
gods, the animals, the great golden beasts of the court are the
Scene: Here and now hitters. They leap, they burst, they fly, they hang suspended above
Serio-Comic you like panthers about to pounce upon their prey. Then pow!
lrv: a man who likes volleyball, 20S They explode, the ball slamming straight down into the floor. The
Here, lrv introduces himself to the audience with a slightly obsessive tale of one of his crowd roars - for them, not the setter. But they do deserve it,
volleyball teammates. those great leaping animals. And there was no greater, no sleeker,
0 0 0 no more golden god than Allen. Yes, a panther, a leopard, a lion,
every big cat rolled into one. Now - God's truth -I'm straight.
IRV: I'm lrv. Short for Irving. You've got to be a really old Jew to Yeah, I know you don't believe it. But, swear to God, I am. Man,
name your kid Irving in the second half of the 20th century. But my father's rolling over in his grave right now, I said "God" twice.
that was my father, all right. An old Jew. A good Jew. I work for He always would say to me, "Irving, Jews don't use that word. We
an insurance company. No, I don't sell it. Everyone seems to think don't take his name in vain." I would say, "Dad, God is not his
an insurance company consists only of agents. I work in the home· name, it's his occupation. His name is Yahweh." Then he'd really
off1ce, but don't ask what I do because it makes even my eyes go ballistic. Boy, I just said "God" four times and "Yahweh" once,
glaze over to explain it. And I don't do a whole lot for fun, either, that whole cemetery is probably rockin' right now. Anyway, I
except one thing: volleyball. No, not on the beach. Your exposure never had a gay thought in my life, and I'd seen Allen in gym
to the sport might be limited to slapping a ball around shorts a hundred tirryes, but that day in the locker room when he
underhanded on the sand, or maybe the company picnic where stood before me naked for the first time, something took place. In
everybody plays with a beer in one fist. But we play indoors. Six- that single moment I found . . . not my sexuality . . . not . . . 1
man, USVBA rules. And we're good. Real good. I'm the setter. don't honestly feel that anything was changed inside of me, just
That means when the ball comes over to our side of the net that I found something. I found ...... Allen. And I felt I couldn't
someone passes it to me and I toss it in the air so the hitter can hi~ give up ...... him. Allen. I couldn't give up the feeling that I had
it. That mak~s it sound a lot easier than it is. It's not easy. It's in that moment. And I tried to hold onto that feeling. And I did, as
intricate, precise, elegant, graceful, lightning-fast, explosive, long as I was with Allen. And though we did ... once ... do ... ·
muscular and yet cerebral. To be a setter, one has to enter a virtual have ... sex, I guess ... it wasn't that, exactly. The feeling wasn't
zen-like state of being. Almost a trance, but with total mental just that. Because we did ... that ... only once. But I had the
control. Complete relaxation, but with the instantaneous ability to feeling always with him. And the feeling was more than that. I
react, to decide on a course of action without thinking. From a swear. God's truth.
disaster - a ball passed four feet off course at knee level - one
must, unconsciously, not only dig it, but set it, a soft but true arc,
floating, without rotation, most likely backwards over one's head
to the outside hitter, but executed in a manner that makes it clear
 The House on Lake Desolation so afraid of Tithonus dying that she asked Zeus to make Tithonus
immortal. Her wish was granted, but Aurora forgot to mention
Brian Christopher Williams
that she wished for Tithonus to be immortally young. So he lived
on and on and on and she was cursed to watch as nature
shamelessly robbed him, first of his beauty, then of his health, and
Scene: A hospital room. 1969 finally of his mind. Cursed. Curse-ed. (Beat.) I wanted excitement,
Dramatic Grandma. I wanted to know the people in your Glamour
Dorian: a man in trouble with the wrong people, 30 magazines. (Beat.) Mother has to take care of you, Grandma. I
Dorian's best friend has informed him that the mob wants him deatj. ·Before he takes it on
know she will. Don't you worry. Someone will always be here with
the lam. he pays a final visit to his coma rose grandmother in the hospital. you. I'll always be here with you; I just won't be around, you
know, anyplace that you can see me. Charlie's going to disappear
0 0 0
and I guess that's ...
DORIAN: Grandma? (Beat, a little louder.) Grandma? (He gets up and starts pacing.)
(He puts the pistol on her swinging meal tray as he gently puts his "Think happier thoughts, Michael." Remember? Peter Pan? Will
you say goodbye to Mother for me? I don't really have time and 1
hand on hers. He stares at her for a while.)
I'm here, Grandma. (Beat.) How are you feeling? (Beat.) You look wanted to see you and ...
very pretty. (Sighs.) Did you eat anything? (His attention turns distractedly towards the bathroom.)
(He goes to a blank piece of paper posted on the wall. He shakes Everything will be alright, Grandma.
his head. He turns back to her. Silence.) (His attention jolts back to her but then seems to dissipate.)
Were you awake at all last night? That's alright, Grandma. I'll just You were always there for me. I hope you can hear me. 1want you
sit here with you and hold your hand. . to know that I know. You were always there for me. I'm letting
(He does.) you down. Maybe I should .have gone to computer school after all.
You have nice hands. Delicate. Delicate little stitches by delicate hunh? Joined the Navy? Learned a valuable trade. Done something
little hands. Vibrant red roses on a sea of white lace. The with my life? Maybe.
bedspread you made me? Possessions never really meant anything (His attention again goes back to the bathroom.)
to me. But that bedspread. Sentimental value, that's what Mother Grandma, I have to . . . urn . . . I'll be right back.
says. I wonder if she got that from you. (He picks up a hand-held mirror that is beside her bed and enters
(Beat.) the bathroom. He leaves the door ajar as he speaks, and we can
"Be careful what you wish for, Dorian." Remember that? A million see him cutting lines of cocaine and snorting. He will return from
years ago, at your house on Lake Desolation, we sat out on your the bathroom during the following.)
porch. One of those hot nights. There was lightning in the sky but The curse of Tithonus. It always amazes me how you know these
no rain. Heat lightning. Remember? I wanted to be one of the things. For Christ's sake, whoever heard of Tithonus? Or lady
fireflies we were watching that night. "Oh, Grandma, I want my Astor's horse? Did you make that one up? "All dressed up like
butt to light up." I thought the world could be mine if only I had a Lady Astor's horse." You always used to say that. Well, I'm sure
rump that glowed. "Be careful what you wish for, Dorian." And you still say that ... when you're not ... in a coma. (Laughs.)
you told me about the curse of Aurora and Tithonus. Aurora was "life doesn't slow down and it doesn't back up." You always used
to say that, too. Jesus, Grandma, when it comes right down to it,
:!
41
you never really shut up. This is probably the first good rest your
jaw has had in years.
Hysterical Blindness and
(He takes a long look at her.) Other Southern Tragedies That Have
So delicate.
(He goes to her and brushes her hair.)
Plagued My Life Thus Far
Leslie Jordan
I'll tell you a secret, Grandma. Don't tell anyone now. "Loose lips
sink ships." I'm pretty confident you didn't make that one up. I'm
going back to Lake Desolation. You know, my hands look like
yours. How come I never noticed that? Your hands used to scare
Scene: Here and OON
me. The veins are so pronounced. They'd be so easy to cut. It used Serio-(omic
to terrorize me to watch you peel vegetables. One slip of the knife, Leslie: a Southerner on his way to Hollywood, 29
and ... I don't want to go away. I want to stay with you.
· Years and sir-cams later. Leslie suddenly fi/KJs himself longing to rerum to the South. His
(He walks to the window in order to scope outside. He turns back
experience as a ·television star has provided him with the insight that has finally made it
to her.) possible lot him to embrace his homeland along with all of irs quitky characters and
Have you found the answer, Grandma 7 I'm too young to die. I imperfections.
know that. It has to be true. I don't even know what the question 0 0 0
is yet. Have you found the answer? -
(He crawls into the bed with her and holds her.) STORYTELLER: I'll let you in on a little secret. I was kind'a looking
1 can only stay just a minute. I have to go. I have to go away. I forward to moving back to the South. Who'd a thought! I worked
have to find the source. Have you seen it? When you're done so hard to put all that behind me, but does one ever really forget
peeling away, is there anything at the core? Oh, Grandma, help from whence one came? 1miss soft, summer nights. Fireflies in the
me. air. Sitting in the porch swing listening to the latest church
(The lights fade to Blackout.) gossip ...

[CHOIR MEMBERS: Bless us/ Don't press US!

Take care how you address us!
You'll see though, that we know
How to make you feel at home.

Ever-present, ever-pleasant. . . we shall never wane.

We are Southern, we are special.
Try to shame us, try to tame us . . . it will be in vain,
See, It's Just The Way We're Bred.
Endearing, never fearing,
And forever persevering.
We're gracious, tenacious,
',!
42 43
 " ..
'_,,
·' .. I
.._,..
. she'd go to the police. They didn't touch me.
DISTANT FIRES
on me agam · . k by Kevin Heelan
They sent me to the Sisters of Mercy In Pawtuc et.
Foes, an African-American construction worker, 30s
The tenth floor of a construction site, Maryland
Dramatic

When Foos is accused of being involved in the race riots that are
plaguing the community. he tells a bitter tale of a walk he took
on a hot summer night.

0 0 0

FOOS: I didn't do nothin' man. 'Cept walk outta my house and up

the street. Like I always do. I pick up some ice cream like I do
when the heat in my house gets so mean I wanna swing at it.
Takin' that walk and stickin' that cool ice cream in my throat is
the top part a my night. 'Tween passin' out and suckin' on 'at
cream ain't nothin' but Cambridge. I'm walkin' back and I
hear a police say "There he is ... there the muthfucker," and
it's lights in my face so fas' my heart can't keep up wid me
and 'm the coon stuck in the road, the truck comin' ninety
miles an hour and then shit-Jesus God-l'(ly side, my ribs. I'm
fuckin' dead and the dirt and ants and sand and a ridged heel
on the back a my burnin' neck. A police standin' over me .. .
"That's him. That him? No. Yes .... " ... me ... me ... no .. .
no, no ... I'm Foos, man. I ain't Harris. I ain't Harris. I'm Foes.
Please! And then up into the lights. No face on the cocksucker
... just "Zat him? lzat him?" Then my nigger picture on a
card from my wallet and the down voices. No face, just sad
voice sayin', "No. Fuck. That ain't him. Just a nigger eatin' ice
cream." So my walk comes back to me and I say, from some-
place I don't know 'cause I'm so jacked, I say, "Gimme back
my fuckin' ice cream." To backs I say that. ... One second a
pure balls and their fuckin' backs is all that hear. And I pick up
my ice cream 'cause goddamn if it ain't the one thing I look
forward to in my Cambridge life ... and I eat the crunchin'
sand and the dirt with oil ... and I eat maybe even a sliver a
glass and I hear my brain talkin' ... "Fuck 'em up, Foos. Skin
'em up, Foos." But while I listen to my brain, somewheres else

. 25

y.
 THE SUBSTANCE OF FIRE THE SUBSTANCE OF FIRE
by Jon Robin Baltz
MARTIN: They:re all just words. And this is life, and beside New York City- 1987 -Isaac Geldhart (60's)
hear the book chams are now selling pre-emptive strike video
'.1 so why bother anyway? I'm out. Isaac Geldhart is blamed by his son Aaron for the declining
fortunes of the family publishing house. Aaron threatens to
[ISAAC: But really, there are limits, sweetheart.] remove Isaac from the presidency with the support of his
siblings, Martin and Ssrsh. However, when Ssrsh ssys she will '
MARTIN: Yes. That's exactly right. There e limits. I believe support Isaac, he then bas the controlling shares and he speaks
I know that. Hey, I spent most of my sixtee year getting chemo- to Aaron.
therapy • remember? And it's not that Ia ago I can still feel it
I ~nnot waste my _life. I feel you pie dra~ng me into thi~ ISAAC: I spent a couple of days, a little boy, wandering around
thing. You ~ant this confrontation ad. You want nothing more after the liberation. I saw a particular kind of man-a wraith-like
than you:- chJidren gathered aro you, fighting. Well forget it. figure-who could only have been in the camps. But with a brown
You don t kno": what _I feel i . y back, in my bones. I wake up pinstripe suit, a fleur-de-lis on his tie and manicured nails, trying to
some da~s and I m cry.mg. I nk I'm still at Sloan-Kettering, lying pick up where he left off, as if you could. I never say anything
there ha1rless and wh1te filling up with glucose fr dr' about this. Why talk? Why bother? I wasn't in the camps. I was
H 1 1 , tha . om a 1p.
ey. can t get t ti eback. I feel all the needles, some days, In a basement. You know? They're busy throwing the Farbers and
my lym~~ nodes, and m sweating. And part of my life is spent in the Hirsches into the ovens, and I'm happily eating smoked eels in
fear, waiting. I kn none of us has forever, know that very well, the basement, with my Stendahl and Dumas. What did I know? I
~nd I ~re very ch how I spend my time. And involved in an was protected, sheltered by my cousins. And then I got out of the
mternecme wa over a publishing house, is, by my reckoning, basement and into the wretched world. I came to this country. Yau
Fa~er, a de waste. And If I choose to live with plants as an re-invent yourself. Make it as a bon-vivant in Manhattan. Meet this
;
I assistant le _rer at an over-rated seven-sisters school, that is my woman-this extraordinary woman. Marry. Have these kids. Go
goddamn mce. to so many cocktail parties, host so many. more ... and they ...haunt.
ii (Beat.) I have kept my eyes. closed to the world outside the base-
I
' ment for so long. The wrecked world all around us. But I can no
longer close my eyes. (HE tums.to AARON.) My son. You are
fired. I will give you a week to clear your desk, and I will give you
letters of recommendation. But I will not Speak to you, I will not ··
communicate with you, I will not ... (Pause.) ... give at all. Kiddo.
To the victor go the spoils.

76 77
 BREAKING UP
BREAKING UP
by Michael Cristofer ght she !bought you meant.··
Here and Now - He (20-30) thought she meant and what you !::n is over. And then you break
It bas to happen. Th~n:'mebody else and you start all over
A modem courtship-complete with all of the prerequisite trials up and you go and you . .
aDd tribulations-culminates in the following off-banded again. • . •th ou I can't do it agam Wlth
marriage proposal. I can't do it. I did lt Wl y Au that time to get someplace
somebody else. It could take ~ears. And then it hit me.
HE: It's not going to work with her. I can see it. I mean it's with her that I'm already at Wlth youw have something now. We
working. It's working. But It's not going to work. You know? We can't quit. Y~u and. me. e but it's ours. And it's not
can't throw it away. Its a ~ :·P~'::io start from. It's twO, twO
11
[SHE: Jesus.] the end. That's ~ eaf. est sit's an investment. All that pain to f:t
and a half years o out /v . we've got nothing, nothing wor ,
HE: I'm going backwards. to zero; well, now we re here, erything we bad is gone, not a
we're finished, total, com~, ev This is it. (PQJISe) I think we
[SHE: You want to get married to me.] ljppe, not a pra~er, not a nee.··
should get marr1ed.
HE: I'm working at it. I'm trying. I've been trying. Honest to
God. And I'm doing okay. I'm doing better than I've ever done.
Better than with you. I'm patient, I'm not pushing, I'm not crazy.
I'm seeing things the way they are-Bhe is what she is, she's not
who I think she is, she's not who I wt1111 her to be. We don't fight,
we don't argue, we tell the truth .. .I think we tell die truth ••. We
sound like we're telling the truth. We "share. •
You know, "share. • All of it. Very understanding. Like that.
It's dull. Real dull.
But I'm not complaining. I'm not. If this is the way it has to
be then this is what it has to be. I understand all that. I could never
make anything work with the ups and downs anyway. So why not
try dull? Maybe dull is the answer. Except that the truth is, you
see, it's going in the same direction. It's just, when it's this dull,
it's a little hard to see that it's going in any direction, but all this
understanding, this is not going to last. A couple of words here, a
couple of words there, a couple of looks, a couple of wrong moves
and all cif a sudden nobody understands anything anymore and you
spend all your time trying. to explain what you meant and what you
17
16
 , The Psychic Life of Savages The Psychic Life of Savages
,.,, , ' AmyFreed , Amy Freed
. r,: .

···.
. OR. RoBERT STONER: American Poet Laureate, 60s TED MAGus: a young English Poet. 305
SCENE: Here and now SCENE: Here and now

Aftet a long drunken weekenct the cantankerous Dr. Stoner turns an his young prot~ and Here the pretentious~ regales his Stucten(S with his own special imlght into the
..debunks ' . pretensions in a passionate outburst,
. :.- his. ·, ...intellectual process of creating poetry. · · .

0 0 0 0 0 0

STONER: Understand the language of the birds? I've 'woken up to hear them TEo: Yes. The ending was a nightmare. I wrestled with it for weeks, like Jacob
plotting on my life! Miracles I You fooll You don't know the utter horror of wrestling the Angel. Finally, I dreamed it I saw the slug dying, covered with
miradesl I take 3,000 milligrams of lithium a day to keep me from walking salt by a vicious housewife. As clear as day, 1dreamed him, a big quivering
,on water, and SO!l)etimes I do it anyway I mass of slop and mucus writhing in the rotted mulch ..,and 1found the final
[TED:, J:m sorry-1 didn't mean ... ], lines ... • And bubbling there, l'f!lleft alone, abitter pool offragrance, shrink-
STONER~ You think all creation's some big Hindu illusion? You wing-growing ing in the sun. •
bastard,, Turn yourself into a goddamn bald eagle., And I hope some [ALL THE GIRLS: Wow. Oh, that's.incredible, I cried when 1-]
teenager pops you with his daddy's shotgun, TED: So. What have we learned? Don'tbe polite. Don't be small. Poetry is not
[ANNE: Testyl Testy!] all rose gardens and my cat with last year's dead leaves, you know. We're
STONER: Think you're the first man to dream of wings? You've never experi- talking about the dark side. The "!nmentionable terrors. The unspeakable
enced the horrible freedom of the winged mad. You want a miracle? Try this joys, What are your57 Show me. I know my fears are ... shedding tears in
one I ,one and one make two I But you won't stop till they make three! Or public., showing affection for other men .. .in a. physical way, you know, hug-
'catl ging, wrestling, that sort of thing, and-Hahl Dancing I-I mean why-
[TED: Bob-Father, you're excited, I think you misunderstand what, the Zen- dancing? It terrifies me. My own twisted ideas of manhood, 1suppose, as
masters are ,saying.] passed down· from one. generation of small, cramped men to another,
STONER: l'm,saying have the guts to call a spade a spade, recognize the cold when-my God I The blood of our ancestors thrummed with the dance. A
hard law of gravity for what it is, which is the grace of God-recognize how good jig, a leap under the moonlight-the hunt, the rites of mating or of
many angels are at wor.k each day insuring that Newton's apple continues to death-oh camel Let's ... tangol Who wants to jump in first?
fall down; down, down, not up into the ozone with all your Zuni medicine
men flapping arounll as bats and hoot-owls along with me when I forget to
take my pills I Have the guts to give glory to the truth I
(Quietly.)
If only that, we should have the guts to give glory to what truths we can,

60 61
 THE PINK STUDIO RACING DEMON
by David Hare
getting back at me for being late. I deserve it. Whel), it got to be London - Present - Streaky (40-50)
past midnight, I rang the police. When I showed th rii the note they
laughed and said if they saw her, they'd send rhome early. I The Rev. Donald "Streaky" Bacon has watched while his church
tried to go to bed but of course I couldn't ep. Around about is divided into two camps by the older vicar and an idealistic
dawn, I took out the painting of Nicole. more I looked at it, the young priest. After several cocktails, Streaky shares some of his
more I wanted to kick it in. Instead, oaded up my palette and thoughts with God.
added what I knew had to be there-th retched tambourine. It had
a red stripe around the rim and I ught, "what the hell," and let STREAKY: Drunk, Lord, drunk.
the color bleed onto the floor. I ade it red, everything red. I was And blissfully happy. Can't help it. Love this job. Love my
aU set to take it back and sho it to the whore: "Is this passionate work. Look at other people in total bewilderment. I got to drink at
·enough for you?! LOOK T THIS! IS THIS PASSIONATE the Savoy. It was wonderful. It's aU wonderful. Why can't people
ENOUGH FOR YOU?! enjoy what they have?
(A bell rings.) Is it just a matter of temperament? I mean, I'm a happy
And then the bell ra . It was the concierge. Claudine was in the priest. Always have been. Ever since I got my first job as curate
lobby. as St Anselm's, Cheam, because they needed a light tenor for the
... ' parochial Gilbert and Sullivan society. Matins, a sung Eucharist,
two Evensongs and Iolanthe five nights a week .
It was bliss. I loved it. I tried to start it here. But there's
.I\ something deep in the Jamaican character that can't find its
1 way through The Pirates of Penzance. It's still bliss, though. They

l' are blissful people. Once a year we take the coach to the sea. On
the way down we have the rum and the curried goat. Lord, there is
no end to your goodness. Then we have rum and curried goat on
the way back.
Lord, I have no theology. Can't do it. By my bed, there's a
pile of paperbacks called The Meaning ofMeaning, and How to Ask
Why. They've been there for years. The whole thing's so clear.
He's there. In people's happiness. Tonight, in the taste of that
drink. Or the love of .my friends. The whole thing's so simple.
Infinitely loving.
Why do people find it so hard?

4 5
 A RENDEZVOUS WITH GOD
A RENDEZVOUS WITH GOD
by Miriwn Hoffman
All of paradise can be yours forever"
Here and Now - Itsik Manger (50+)

At the end of his life, the poet remembers the moment of his Not so fast Gotenyul Not so fast!
birth. Before I submit to your divine embrace, I want you to know what
it was like to be a
ITSIK MANGER: Yiddish poet on this side of Paradise.
One pair of shoes, one shirt to my name. Wbat more do I need? You wouldn't believe it
I can take off my shoes-I shall take off my shoes In the first place-Don't forget, Father in Heaven
I shall take off my shirt. Wbat else d<.> you want? That it wasn't my idea to be born.
Is that how you want me to come back to you? It was my mother all along
I'll come back to you as I am-A loser Praying and pleading and insisting
A loser-A Loser-A Boozer-a chooser That I must be born
Oh God, I'll never get it right.
I didn't come gently into this world, oh no ...
I have a rendezvous with God, I shouldn't keep Him waiting. I fought and I struggled and I caused her great pain.
He comes to me in my dreams and says: She wept and she shrieked, and cursed my poor father:
,j "Enough Itsik, my vagabond poet. It's time you stopped dragging
your restless soul around the world. " "Oy ... Murderer! Robber! It's all your fault! Do something!"
II
' So I say to Him:
"Deal God! How right you are! How right you are! My father, pale and frightened, stood in the corner and said:
But there's so much I haven't done. There's one more song to be
written, and I haven't truly seen Jerusalem. And above all- "Eh ... eh ... Wbat can I do?"
There's a brand new bottle of wine that I haven't finished yet-So
you see God Shoshe-Dvoshe, the midwife, tried every trick in the trade to
You'll have to wait awhile." entice me into making an appearance:
So He says to me:
"You can finish your song up here, and if you want to see "Nu! So come on out Itsikl!
Jerusalem-From my side, you 'II I'll buy you a gold watch, a football, anything you 'mamzer'!
have a heavenly view. And about that bottle of wine ... Shoshe-Dvoshe realized that I wasn't taking this birth very
Bring it along and we'll both. make a L'khayim." seriously, so she turned to
my mother and said:
He looks at me and 'smiles, the One Above. "Who does he think he is? Call me when he's ready."
He talks to me softly and lovingly:
"Come ltsikl! Come! I'm waiting for you with open arms. And I laughed in her face and refused to be born

62 63
 A RENDEZVOUS WITH GOD A RENDEZVOUS WITH GOD

I,,
It was friday night Mayn oytser! My tteaSUiel
My father gave up and went to the synagogue Mayn likhliker kadishl"

My mother was left alone eXhauated And I looked into her loving eyes, into her lovely face
The sight of her moved me deeply And I knew that her love would bind me forever
After all I thought, a mother is a mother i
But still, I refused to be born
.1 The Sabbath candles flickered in every Jewish home, but our
' house stood dark and dreary
When all at once my mother stood up

"No! The Sabbath cannot be forsaken. •

I!
\' She lit the Sabbath candles, her hands over the flames
II She covered her face and she whispered a prayer
This gentle vision touched my heart
Then and there I decided to be born

I stole my way out and hid behind her

I was born so quietly that my mother didn't even hear me
And I waited for her to stop praying
i Each second seemed like a whole year
\ My heart was pounding like a frightened bird
Finally I could no longer contain myself
And I shouted out:
"Gut Shabbes mameh!"

Her eyes lit up, her face all aglow

She took me into her arms, she cuddled and caressed me and
kissed every little bone in
my body
She called me:
"Mayn malekhl! My Angel!

64 65
I

Ir---
 SALAAM, HUEY NEWTON, SALAAM SALAAM, HUEY NEWTON, SALAAM
by Ed Bullins
Slreet corner in W. Oakland -Present- Marvin (40-50) wanted to die from an overdose of weed, wine and women, but
along came crack and soon I had no desire for wine, weed or.
Here, an acquaintance of Dr. Huey Newton describes his descent women.! With all my knowl~ge, I had forgou.;n the simple rules .
into the horrific world of crack cocaine. life: for every blues, there JS a happy song-smg a happy .so?g-1t
takes the same energy as the blues •.•. Even before my addiction to
MARVIN: In 1984 I became addicted to crack cocaine ••••M~mv\ crack, why couldn't I think of all the goOd in my life?. Why couldn't
people, especially members of my family, found my addiction I sing songs of praise to Allah, my God, for the beautiful parents He
difficult to understand. "You're so slrong," they would say. "How had blessed me with, for my beautiful brothers and sisters, for _the
could you become a weak, pitiful dope fiend?" But I did .... My beautiful, intelligent. women I had had, for the most beautiful
addiction came in my fortieth year, for many people, a time of children any man could imagine? .)Y)Jy? Wby? Why? .... Yes,
disillusionment with life, and certainly it was for me.l.I was ""'·-• 1 know now •... because I thought I was self-sufficient.
out .••• Tired of revolution, tired of family life, sex and women, tired I had sat and watched my friends smoking crack, but at first
of working in the educational system, tired of the black middle class didn't interest me. I did not like the way they bchaved .... l'd come
and the grass roots, tired of religious sectarianism, Christian and into the room and they wouldn't even look up and ackno"':ledge my
Muslim alike, tired .•.. presence. They were all staring at whoever had the p1pe .... But
Maybe this is what happens when one lives too fast. You not finally, the devil caught me, only because I forgot Allah.
only get burned out, but you run out of ideas •... What mountain shall
I conquer next? .... And a voice came to me and said: "You shall (HE chants.)
become Sisyphus. You shall roll a rock up a mountain and it shall
fall to earth, and you shall begin again each day for eternity, I lost my wife behind the pipe
you can't figure out anything else to do, you big dummy!" I lost my children
So I was a sitting duck for an addiction, that is, a new addiction, behind the pipe ~ ' j :·

especially when I became an enlrepreneur and had large sums of I lost my money
cash on a daily basis. Yeah, I sold incense and perfume oils and lots behind the pipe
of stuff on the slreet at Market and Powell in San Francisco. I made I lost my mind
a lot of quick, easy money .... And money added to my problems behind the pipe
because I hated making money. I actually felt gpilty about It and I lost my life
had to do something with all that money I had.f .. So my fri<enclsJ behind the pipe ...
including my so-called Muslim brothers, inlroduced me to crack ..•
didn't like sniffing cocaine. For one reason, my mind is naturally Yes crack sent me to the mental hospital four times ....Many times
speedy, so I did not want anything to speed it up more. "I wanted to I pui crack on my pipe and took that big 747 hit, and I could feel ·
slow down, relax. My thing was weed. I admit, I abused weed death coming, could feel iny body sur~unded by th': slrang:st .
because I smoked it from morning 'til night for over twenty sensation. 1 would run til the window for a1r, or run outs1de for atr.

-
66
---
years .... My thing was weed. wine and women. I always said I But. after the moment of death had passed, I returned to my room

67
•. .
.
SALAAM, IIUEY NEWTON, SALAAM SOUTHERN CROSS
by Jon Klein
and conti~ued smoking. Once I accidentally cut my wrist, cut an
J Rural Southern United States - 1850 - Captain (30-60)
artery. I dropped one o~y pipes and grabbed at the broken pieces
cutting me crilically, but I was unaware. I thought the bleedi~ Here, a seasoned navigator of the Mississippi spins an
~d S'?P• but it didn't. I found my backup pipe and fired up.... A unbelievable yam about alligators.
friend tned ~ get me to go to the hospital, but I thought the blood
would stop drapplng from my wrist. It didn't. My new pipe became CAPTAIN: Welcome aboard. (lhe Captain stops and scans the
covered with blood. My dope had turned the color of blood. My audience, as Ifsomeone asked him a question.) What's that? Some-
clothes,. th~ rug, the bed, the curtain, were all covered with blood. body got a question for the Captain? ... AIIygators? What you wanna
But I dadn I stop. I kept on smoking.... Finally, my friend got the know 'bout them for? ... Oh I see. So you heard you might see a few
hotel manager and he came in with a baseball bat and forced me out gators on this trip, did ya. (Pause. He scratches his head.) Well
of the room .... The paramedics came and took me to the hospital. ... now. I gliess I've seen my share o' gators in my time. Don't think
Ha ha ha .... after the emergency room crew slitched my wound, I got I better tell you bout 'em, though. Cause you'd think I was lyin' to
on th~ bus and returned to my room to finish smoking.... Hell, I you, and that's somethin' I never do. I kin cheat at cards, drink
had saxty bucks .... fuck it! ·.•
whiskey or chaw terbacker, but I jest can't bring myself to tell a lie.
I guess it's a point of pride with certain men. (Pause.) You know,
one time I counted eleven hundred gators to the mile from Vicksburg
clear down to Orleans. And one. time I seen three thousand four
hundred and fifty-nine of them sittin' on one sandbar. I know it
sounds like a lot, but I had a government surveyor aboard, and he
· checked 'em off as I counted. (Pause.) Yep. This used to be a.
reg'lar paradise for allygators. They were so thick that the
sternwheel killed an average of forty-nine to the mile. True as the
Gospel. Almost felt sorry for the cussed beasts, I killed so many •.
I sailed with one captain, name o' Captain Tom, always carried a ·
thousand bottles o'linimentjust to throw to the wounded ones. And·
as the gators got to know his boat, they'd swim and rub their tails
against the boat, and purr like cats. One day he grounded on a
sandbar, and the gators gathered round, got under the stern, and
humped her clean over the bar by a grand push. Solemn truth. And
when Captain Tom was dead, and the news got along the river,
every gator in the river daubed his left ear with black mud as a
badge of mournin', and several of 'em pined away and died in the
sorrow. Now I know that sounds like a big story, but I never tole
a lie yet, and never will. I wouldn't lie for all the money you could

68 69
 I used to do it for the deposit money
.·I Self-Oefen$e. to eat. and stuff while I was on the road,·
Michael P. Scasserra but back th~n. this was like soda I' responsibilitY, too,
·.· ......,
the way I see it.
See, f was ahead of riiy time.·
·AGING HIPPIE: 40-60 AlwayS have been. ·•
ScENE: Here a'nd ~ow
Still am.
·.:.~ere a charter fflember.of the Age of Aquarius takes a .moment to lambaste life in the 86 s I hate my fellow Americans.
•~90s. . . . .
You all suck.
0 0 0 See, I choose to stand outside your bullshit.
'Cause I'm secure enough on the inside.
(An aging hippie-type wearing a bandanna around his head is poking I don't need all of your bourgeois luxuries
through an ashtray looking for cigarette butts.) like a pair of designer jeans,
Everyone today:s goin' around being all fuckin' selfish and shit a cellular phone,
worrying about this self-esteem crap a mailing address.
throwin' out all this fuckin' attitude
and you know what? The eighties sucked, totally.
People should just shut the tuck up. I sat 'em out.
Some people don't deserve self-esteem. One long, Republican-induced pain in my ass.
Most people don't deserve self-esteem: I still say I'd rather nave a lava lamp over track lighting.
Vietnam over Bosnia.
People suck. I'd still take Bob Dylan ... Dylanl
Like all you people • How does it feel? To be on Y<>ur awn .•.
· yoo p~ople with jobs and houses and cars and all that baggage Over Madonna.
. preiending to be into the environment" Madonna?
into saving the planet · See... what the tuck is that alrabout7
Into patching up the ozone. What does that bitch stand for7
·so What do you do to take care of all this stuff? Blonde capitalist mother-fucker.
You recy.de your Diet Pepsi cans and your paper bags, She's a fuckin' yuppie in sheep's clothing.'
iike as if this isn't a law already. She's a yuppie in no clothing.
· · .. Th~n you feel like you done your_part to save the Earth ... Like she was the firsfbitcti il,-itie World to take off her clothes?
·:.".which is doomed anyway, as Isee it. Man, we took off our i:lotlies.
Andwe did it for free.
See, I already did my part. It's like ,;,y brain goes into complete lapse~
I· tried.· . People talk about the sixties coming back
i have been recycling bottles since. the late seventies. and everything we stood for and ideals and freedom
Of course, that was my career.
69
· and what do we get .instead? Hey, I got a story for you, : !""

Tie-dye. Get this. ''

I didn't march on Washington I once snook Dylan's hand.
and burn my draft card Dylan's hand. I shook.
and live for four-and-a-half fuckin' years in a commune And he almost .fell off the fuckin' stage; man
so we could have tie-dye. and he, like, grabbed on to me
I did it foi the drugs and the sex and.the ideals we shared. for support.
Like we !uckiD' need tie-dye again 7 So I like gave him balance; you know. ·
I didn':t get that shit the first time around, and with his playing thumb
now I go to the mall, I'm hanging out, and I see all these bleach blonde he gouged a piece of skin right off of my knuckle.
bitches wearing tie-dye shirts with Gucci shoes? And it bled and got infected
What the hell is going on here 7 and it gotalllike purple and.shit
and oozy ...
Lik~ the krishnas say ..:
man ...
I forgot what they say..
it was the greatest fuckin' thing.
I was a krishna, though.
Dylan infected me.
· this was Berkeley, .. circa ...I don't know.
I would never Jet fuckin' Madonna infec;t me, man.
late sixties, early seventies.
And something tells me that bitch could do it from thirty paces,
It's one big blur. ·
But. I join.ed, and atfirst I didn't see how I fit in if you know what I'm saying.
but I ended up learning a Jot about myself ...
See, so, the way Isee it,
but they made me plow fields, too.
if I hadn't of been there for Dylan,
I remember that
he might of fallen off the stag!!
And they made me get up at five in the morning
been impaled on a mike stiiici or. ~orne shit
like as if real human beings get up at five in the morning. he'd be dead .. ·· · · ·
. Yeah.:.yeah ... lgot it now.
and then h!! \1\(0Uldn't ha~e been around for Bangladesh,
The krishnas said that if you join them No.Nukes, .
your life would be.simplified Far,;, Aid.
and you would get closer to your spiritual self, you know.
See, so, I did my part.
·J migiJthave•. too, . . . •
But we're all doomed' aoyway, '·"
but I:Jetween. plowing those damn fields and _gettin' up at.five in the morn-
ing, I was entl~ly too wasted to get in t~uch ~iih my soul. ·"How does it feel7"
"T~ be on your 9i,;,~7~ . •'' .
But that doesn't matter.
1didn't really need their shit
(He makes an obsce.n~ gestu;;; :t?wald (he avdience.)
Fuck you. · · · · ' .. , · ·
because! always had self-respect
. Feels good.
for myself..

70•. 71
 SOUTHERN CROSS SOUTHERN CROSS
by Jon Klein
Rural South - 1850 - Captain (30-60) (He waits a moment, testing fate.) All aboard! Golla push off now.
I'll catch up with you later. (He starts off then turns back to the
Here, the Captain tells a tall tale about the biggest steamboat he audience.) By the way, the Jim Johnson had a one-mile race t,rack
ever saw. round one o' the smokestacks. And a baseball park on top o the
pilot house.
CAPTAIN: All aboard that's goin' aboard. (He turns to the au-
dience.) What's that? Why yes, it is a pretty good sized steamer,
thank you. Ain't the biggest I ever seen, though. That honor would
have to belong to the Jim Johnson. How big was it? Oh now, I
don't think I should be tellin' you about the Jim Johnson. Cause you
might take me for a liar, and most folks round here will vouch that
I'm not one to profess falsehoods and untruths. No sir. Not me.
(Pause.) Now I won't say exactly how big she was, but when the
Jim Johnson passed by, the people used to stand on the riverbank
and watch her from Easter Sunday to high noon on the Fourth of
July. Yep, they had to put hinges on her every half mile or so, jest
so she could make the turns in the river. The truth, as I live and
breathe. And you talk about your big crews. Once the clerk tried
to cut down expenses hy not Clotting the i's or crossing the t's on the
pay checks. Saved himself a barrel of ink. Course there weren't
any calendars on the Jim Johnson, since you could never pin down
a single day we would arrive at any one place. The only way we
knew when payday came around was to paint one paddle on the
sternwheel white. It came up once a month. (Pause.) They had
elevators up to the forty-second deck, and on the thirty-ninth deck
they had the grand double-rush ballroom. Every pendant of glass in
the chandeliers of that room was tipped with a fourteen-carat
diamond. All you had to do was light one candle in that ballroom
and all those diamonds blazed up like a bonfire. And they say that
out on the hurricane deck it was wonderful, too. Young fellows
walkin' round with their sweethearts under the magnolias. 'Course
those days are gone forever now. (Pause.) Oh, I can see that look
on your face. Well, if everything I've told you ain't the straight and
narrow truth, may my tongue shrivel up and fall out o' my head.

72 73
 THE SUMMER THEY STOPPED MAKING LUDES TALKING THINGS OVER WITH CHEKHOV
oc How Taking PeyOte Turned Me Into A Coyote by John Fcird Noonan
by Steven Tanenbaum Riverside Park, NYC - Present - Jeremy (40's)
Poolside, suburbia- 1970's- Casey (17-20)
When Jeremy bumps into Marlene, his ex, in the park, be gives
Here, Caaey-who_ is flUDking our of colleae-ahares a joint and her a copy of his new play ~ read. When next they meet to
·• some sociological observations with his friend, Art. discuss his work, Jeremy reveals his fantasy relation- ship with
Anton Cbekbov and !he stabilizing effect it bas on his life.
CASEY: You should stop resding those Caslalleda books. They're
warping your mind. · JEREMY: Thank God for Chekbov. He's the only one who can·
calm me down. After I left you yesterday, I stopped for one drink
..[ART: I become a -coyote so I can travel through the cnick that each at all these different bars. Only works me up more. Get home
'•.:· , _'separateS the two worlds.) · at 5, flip on Six Million Doliar Man. At 6 I switch to II for The
··.,
Jeffersons and Barney Miller. At 7 back to S for Mash. I'm
· ·CASEY: ~. didn't anybody leave you a· wake-up call. This Is the exploding. I throw .on my sweats. Seventeen times around the
seventies not the sixties. And why you'd want to get stUck in that block. Up my five flights three and four steps at a time. I swing
"' dei:ade, I'll never know. I mean when I was a kid, I couldn't wait open my door. Flop to the floor for a set of push-ups. I notice his
:•." to grow up so I could go down to the malt Shop, drop a dime in the foot. Stop. Look up. He's sitting in my favorite rocker. Beautiful
i juke box and slow dance to the Shirelles with Betty and Veronica. white linen suit. Felt hat. Walking cane. In his hand a bottl!l of
100
.. ,;. '· But the sixties blew all that shit off the map·. Okay, so I adjusted my something Russian. "Like some kvass?" "What's kvass?" He
. , sights. You know, free love_ and fighting the good fight looks pretty smiles. Pouts me half a glass. He toasts, "To you! • "Why me?"
good, too. Like every night there waa some revolutionary on the "Tomorrow you'll be hearing what people think of your first play. •
Walter Cronkite Show saying ~ck you to the aystem. Here's He continues. This visit he's speaking Russian but somehow I hear
Malcolm X saying fuck you to whitey; and over there, Abbie it in English. "Plays make your life no longer your own. With
~~, ·Hoffman's saying fuck you to Mayor Daley; and look it that stories you write it, mail it, good-by. But plays! Rehearsals.
1
,, -~Muhammed Ali is saying fuck you to the draft board; and back o~ Production meetings. Picking the actors. " Suddenly he seems about
, ,, ·, campus all the students are saying fuck you to the war, the pentagon to go on and on. More kvass. He laughs and says, • I don't mind my
1
. _, .. and the pr.es~dent; and everybody, everywhere is saying fuck you to characters when they go on and on, but I hate to do it myself. How
· the. ~onolithic, mayonnaise mentality. By now I'm pretty rewed up about more kvass?" Another half glass. Now I'm tipsy IOQ. "Close
to JOID the chorus; and so what happens when my time comes-Zap Friend," he mumbles, "you and I are alike in a very big way. We're
the sixties disappear. Sorry, no more love-ins but you can't go back afraid to let go. We're both way too serious." I smile. He smiles.
to Donna Reed, either, because she's long gone. Which pretty much Now I know why he keeps coming back. He almost drops the bottle
leaves me with one option... Fuck you Abbie Hoffman· fuck you and chuckles, "From a tipsy Russian take some silly advice: "ANY
Richard Nixon; fuck you Martin Luther King; and' fuck you NUMBER OF PEOPLE CAN BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO WRITE
Donovan. ONE GOOD PLAY, BUT ONLY A FEW OF US ARE SMART
ENOUGH TO DRESS LIKE WE'RE CAPABLE OF WRITING

78 79

. '
•
;j,
 got their fix through" and they toss y~u o,ut lik!! some piece of shit iri the
toilet. ·
Talk/Show
Michael P. Scasserra .
(He pauses.)
· That's when you feel your basic thing, your basic condition, like all the other
· fuckin' poets"and st01ytellers .. .Joneliness. It's loneliness.
(Street begi~s shaki~g slightly. a tremor from the· cocaine. He lowers his MAN: watching television:
voice anc! his gaze. It is touching, what he has just said, and he seems to SCENE: Here and now
., know it. A small smile forms on his lips.) ·
Channel S:tJrfing becomes a metaphor ror life in the following exaltation of the power of using
Iiyou'r~ lucky though ... if you're fuckin' ga"od enough .. .if yourfuckin' muse the remote control.
is smilin' at you, you'll be off on another one, another story. You"ll get
0 0 0
· another fix for them and they ·have t' a come back. 'Cause you got the
power. You may just be the needle, but they depend on ya. They crave ya in CHANNEL SURFER: (A mim with a remote control.)
their skin. So they come ... and for another little time you"ll be in real con- l"m totally into self-programming
nection.with your people and your maker.:.you will be redeemed. making choices
that
in essence
1mean 1realize that when I'm clicking
... _, ii"s like .
the instrument of ease
1don't know if it was designed that way
but it seems to dovetail very niCely
with just ge.ttingpeople to just sit around
and be on their own for the next five hours
and that same instrument of ease
which has facilitated
you know
:,. coach-potatoing
at the same time
it creates a kind of
.._, unaware rebellion from programming
... ~ .· l"m a .big zapper
~- ; I zap Oke ten
just zillions of times at any given time
but see I refuse to be like the people who .
are ·being herded through television
through these corridors
to
14 75
 to ''·. 1think it might have been .· ·· '-
fo ... even more interesting-to ha~~ ..' ., '
-and it's not a Machiavellian kind of thing the first •Amy Fisher Story' ran on ABC
it's more like then a week iater CBS and NBC ran theirs
youknaw simultaneously
. a· catch-22 and I think it would have been ·
. part of that whole unconsciou~ thing a lot of fun
where oob.ody's really taking responsibility although I did not watch
·p~gr~;,;~er5 ~;viewers ·. · "The Amy Fisher Story•
everybody's just surfing in a strict sense
on their own I did spend some time switching back from
on the flow of the televised text channel 2 to channel 4
.'and w!lat's beoome very symbolic to me is channel 2 to channel 4
people getting very cued-out and fragmented and I think it would have been
coliectively unconscious a
in a weird sort of way lot
· I have the television on all the time of
I think I. get a lot out of that fun
but it can be dangerous if channel 7 had'been running theirs . ·
because Y<>u're sort of staking out this simultaneously
blind canyon of confusion and in· that sense
~gain, not !n aMachiavellian sense I have nqinterest in "The Amy Fisher Stacy~
· but by having so much opportunity to I don't.find it · · ..
. click· off . very intenisting to begin with -
to escape the emotional momentum. but instead of mindlessly ,;,.atchi~g :-;

that can be a good thing "The Amy Fisher Story:'· · ·

a very good thing .and becoming one of the niasses ..
or bad see
if you break away from the whole of I refuse to just eat what's put fl\!fore me ..,
the thing I want to pick and choose.:
'you might be dc;>ing yourself a disservice I want to find the connection~-· · ·
but you might,. urn I don't want some. faceless person....
see moments out ofthe whole doing thatfor me·
which are more clear and enlightening . because of .·. :
like if you're watching the whole idea that
"The Amy Fishei Story• · truth is_ relative
urn and your programming should be your own.
76· 77
 coming back from the lheatte, the four of us, In my car. Anne was
.ere too spenL Like an angel, she slowly descended to Earth in the back with David, Helen in front with me. I could hear them
peel In swirling clouds of sheets. I said, "Hey baby, you de- talking behind me, about the play, about lheatte. Helen was quieL I
e it, • and disappeared. [ ..• ] H~ name? (lncred•4l"usly) had a feeling I'd had before, of something passing between us;
Her name? Who cares what her name was? (Boastingly) Buti bet something was being said. She lit me a cigarette, put it in my
she remembers my name 'til she dies. Rip. 'Cause I ripped her to mouth, her imgers touched my lip for a moment. The silence went
pieces. Aces. (Pause) So what did you do last night? Pull pod?
on while the others chattered in the back. I flashed a look at her
~; she was watching my hand on the wheel, very intently. Thats
when 1 realized that she-desired me, and I her, and that we both
BODIES James Saunders knew; that the way was open. The tension was extraordinary. I
changed gear, and left my hand there as if casually, the back of the
The present. A suburban living room in London. MERVYN (40s),
~bruShing her skirt. ..
an English sclwolmaster, •approaching the evening ofhis life,'' re-
coUIIIS an affair HE had several years before with HELEN, the wife
ofhis friend DAVID. MERVYN recaptures the start of the qffair in ***
several first act monologues. The thrill of the affair is eventually MERVYN: Back of the hand barely touching the skirt.
compromised when HIS wife, ANNA, discovers it. thought, ~Y ~ust feel it back there, the waves of it, like bla'loov
Day! After that it was tormenL Of coutse
~ERVYN: I don't know when it started. I'd always assumed she her best friend, the wife of my best friend: we in
was an attractive wOillllll-fllost women are-but I'd never noticed each other's pockets. It was mad. I uied to it away. I
she was. I began to remember details about her, the way a painter said: it's obvious whats happened. She's . f~ for me for
would, the shape of the imgemails, the colour of the eyes, the way some reason. after all this time, perllaps'they're having trouble;
she held her head, and the details had a kind of value, as they would she's dissatisfied, looking around for smnething else. But that's her
to a painter. I'm not observant, I've always dreaded witnessing a business. 1 don't have to follow suit. I'm flattered, that's all it is,
crime, seeing the robbers leave the bank, being asked by the police: because she wants me at a timewhen I don't feel particularly want-
what exactly happened, what time was it, what did the man look ed. Don't be a fool, don't 1J9mve like a child. Kee~ elear. For~et
like, was he wearing a hat, was he clean-shaven, is Ibis him? So it iL It'll go away. I knew Jlfe cost of it, I was no begmner: the Sick
was unusual, how she came Into focus; I could have painted her excitement. the lurchin,g$. the constant planning, the tearing in two;
from memory-if I could painL Then I found I enjoyed talking to a few islands of exllllordinary happiness in a waste of messy dis-
her, just me with just her, without the usual worry: am I boring comforL I've w/ndered since whether I could have stood out
you, do you re811y want to be talking to me? She listened, listened against iL I d~ know, I suppose I could, I was a rational hmnan
very Intently, watching my mouth, letting me talk, hanging on my being, partp{me anyway. The letting go is always a conscious de-
lips you might say, it was very pleasing. I found I was flirting with cision w!iiltever they say. What tipped the balance, as before, as
her; She was an old friend, the others were always there, it was an alway~; was ill'S!, an anger. How dare things be this way! That the
unspoken joke between us, no harm In it •• , One night we were
35
34
 OUR OWN KIND OUT THE WINDOW
by Roy MacGregor by Neal Bell
England - Present - Steve (20) A farm by the sea - Present - Jake (30's)

Following •n argument with his girlfriend, Steve gets very drunk Following a night of revelry, Jake and Andrea find them,dves
and allows his friends to talk him into stabbing a man to death. magically transported to a beautiful old farm by the soa from
Here, Steve panics when be realizes what be bas done. their apartment in New York City. Jake has experienced his
first orgasm in years and finds himself filled with emotion.
STEVE: (Ranting) Shit. Oh shit. Shit, shit ... shit! Must have Here, be recalls their lovemaking.
been mad. ln.<ane! Nah ... pissed. Pissed and pilled. Pissed and
pillet!, out of it. S'what it was. Shit! It's all over. Finito. 'Fore JAKE: I remember how we got here.
I've even got started. Finished .. .'cos of a moment of madness. [ANDY: How?)
That's all it was, Your Honour, a moment of fuckin' madness! JAKE: You were sitting on me, you were bending over to hrush mv
Insanity on legs! And now I'm binned. Binned. Oh shit oh fuckin' face with your hair, and I all of a sudden knew, if you moved agai~.
shit. (He drops to his knees.) Scared. Bloody scared. Fuckin' I was going to shoot, for the very first time since I hurt mvself, a lot
bowels dissolving. Don't want to be banged-up. Too young, too of years in the desert and rain at last, like a gift I'd give,; up asking
pissin' young. Ain't got the nick mentality. Banged-up with a load for, and you Started to move and I grabbed your as.<. t•.l hnld the
of psychos and arse-peddlers. Binned. Twenty-three hours a day, moment before I came, know I was going to he relea"cu anu feel it
no sunlight 'cept what comes through prison bars. Too young, too all about to come down, this wind before a thunderstorm. you were .
fuckin' young. It's not fair! (He makes a decision, leaps to his licking my lips, I was holding you still, and hnluing y<•u ,till, and
feet.) End it. That's the answer. End it. Ain't no prison bird. just then ... right then ... we were standing beside each other. standing,
Not me. Go mad. Mental. End it. Now. (Daines enters. He is holding hands, in this milky light getting light~r. in Great Uncle
forty-ish. He lingers as if taking the air, but his expression is sour. Somebody's yard ... Uncle Norben ... god, Uncle Nurt'<!rt ... and we
Steve is unaware of his presence, takes a football scarffrom his belt started to run down ihe hill, that's what we'd do. ha.:k then, run
and loops it an>wui his neck like a noose.) Point of principle. Top down this hill to the water's edge ... and the hill was so steep, you'd
'em. String 'em up. Let 'em dangle. Principle-top the fuckers! hit a place where you knew you couldn't stop anymore, if you tried
I'll be a legend. a fuckin' folk hero! They'll be talking about it for you'd fall, so you'd just keep running, faster and faster, trying to
the next fifty ye..m. That old Steve ... that Stevie boy ... had class, had move your legs as fast as the rest of your body was falling, you'd
style, bottle. The man they couldn't bin. A legend! Went out like hear this roar in your ears, and the light on the water would blind
a champion! England's finest! They'll write songs about me! I'll your eyes, and all you'd want to do was run on forever.
be immortal! His face drops.) I'll be dead. What good's being
immortal if you're fuckin' dead?

56 57
 THE COLORADO CATECHISM THE COLORADO CATECHISM
by Vincent J. Cardinal
Rehab clinic in Colorado - Present - Ty (30's) through the smoke and heat so I left him there, out cold from liquor
and pills. I ran out into the street, half dressed, barefoot. I left
At the rehab center, Ty finds himself growing closer and closer black soot tracks in lhe new snow. I could see where I had been-
~ Donna, a woman with dark secrets. When she finally asks he burned. .
him to tell her about Artie, his former lover, he complies. 1 used to always dream about that, or about our fights whi~
were cruel and violent, or about sleeping in the street befo~ Artie.
TY: It's just. .. But here I dream about the horrible, heavy sound of his brealh
I keep having this nightmare ... about, about those last days in New late at night' before the fire, after he • got sick. • I'd hear ~
York with Artie. guttural sort of scrape in his lungs and I'd be sure he was dy1ng
[DONNA: You said you were with Iulie.] lhere sweating and dying lhere at night and I wouldn't know what
'!!= Yes •• Artie's ancient history. I was just a child when we met. to do'for him. I'd lie next to him hearing him die and I'd shiver and
Stxteen, stxteen years old. And all alone in the big scary city. shiver and pray to God to make him wake up and be alive. It would
Scary, scary and sexy. have killed him if it hadn't been for the fire. I thi~ lhe fire was
I thought I'd live forever. good. for Artie. :- . .
. I.used to go to the clubs and get tanked up, you said that. You But in the dream here •• .in the nightmare I keep havmg here •••It
satd ~nked up. • I used to dance like a fireball. I don't know isn't Artie breathing, it's me. My lungs are falling apart deep inside
where It came from but something in me would happen and I'd just me. See, in the nightmare, I am sweating all lhe life out of
blast out onto the dance floor. They'd all watch, the pretty, the me-alone in a cold bed. Anyone who ever loved me, I mean really
ugly, the lonely, the loved, they'd just watch me burn-a heroic loved me, is dead. I don't want to die like Artie.
nuc:lear adoles~nt meltdown. I'd burn brilliant bright and then wake
up m somebody s bed the next morning-burnt out-with no memory
of the time betw~n. It was a way to get by, ya know. Men,
women, black, white, old, young-l'd go with anyone.
I
I One grey afternoon I woke up at Artie's. He was just a little
i ; older ~n I ~m now. I figured I'd eat and leave, maybe get a few
II bucks, JUSt hke every other day, but Artie gave me my own bed,
ti
. I
bou;llht me paint, even made the back of the loft a studio for me.
~?e show~ me colors. Colors and light, texture, space, line,
'. Ii v1s1on. Artie gave me vision .
Ar~C: taught ?te to paint, to be an artist. He kept me in liquor,
coke, p1hs, anything I wanted. He got galleries to show off my stuff
and became my manager. He made me rich. Artie made me.
I keep dreaming a new dream here, not the old one, not about
the fire. He caused it, smoking and drinking. I couldn't get him out

22 23

·····--·-----·-----.....:.... _________
 Chapter Two • 101

/,; · tual satisfaction, and after a whirlwind romance of two Leo. ACT I. Scene ix.
~eeks, and over Leo's objections, they decide to marry. .
Leo's unheeded warnings that George was not ready for marrtage George is ecstatic after finally making an emotional connection with
seems prophetic when George and Jennie return from their honey- another woman after his wife's untimely death, but his brother, Leo,
moon in a state of acrimony. George cannot overcome the deep- is in a deep funk because his marriage is on the verge of collapse.
seated psychological impediment of accepting happiness because Here, Leo relates his feelings about the suffocating and mundane
doing so would mean that he would have to let go of Barbara. Rather state of his connubial situation.
than facing the problem, George accepts a writing assignment on The
Coast as a means of running. But Jennie is committed. She loves Preceding speech. George: Come on, Leo. You've got a good marriage-/
George and won't give him up without a fight. Her strength and soli- know.
darity make George realize how much he loves and needs her, and
gives him the courage to put Barbara behind him and face happiness LEO
without fear. Really? I'll invite you to sleep in our bedroom one night, you can
The subplot, which greatly strengthens the message of the main listen. I'll tell you, George. The trouble with marriage is that it's re-
story, involves an affair between the womanizing Leo and married lentless. Every morning when you wake up, it's still there. If I could
Faye. Here, in diametric contrast to George and Jennie, is a portrait just get a leave of absence every once in a while. A two-week leave
of people floundering, attempting to End happiness without real love of absence. I used to get them all the time in the Army, and I always
and commitment. came back ... I don't know. I think it was different for you and
Barbara. I'll tell you the truth, I always thought the two of you were
a little crazy. But that's what made it work for you, You had a real
bond of lunacy between you ... Marilyn has no craziness. No fan-
tasies. No uncharted territories to explore. I'm sitting there with maps
for places in my mind I've never been, and she won't even pack an
overnight bag. In eleven years she never once let me make love to
her with the lights on. I said to her, "Marilyn, come on, trust me, 1
won't tell anybody." So we stop growing, stop changing. And we
stagnate ... in out comfortable little house in the country , , , Oh,
well, another thirty, thirty-Eve years and it'll be over, right? (He sits
back.) All right, I've told someone. I feel better .. , Now, what the
hell is it you feel so wonderful about?
 "·v-•
\, ..
v- - · .,.

THE MIDNIGHT MOONLIGHT ·7'-vHA A::"~·

v-· J ,,,.- ....
·-· . . ...I
WEDDING CHAPEL se,n,rv/c.;:> .. know. Me. Everybody on the g~ddamri planet wants what you
by Eric Berli11 · h~ve and you're backing off from it out of fear. And don't
g1ve me these excuses about other people because it's fear 1
Walter, a man witnessing a wedding, 30s know. If you think you're happy, you probably are, do~'t
A wedding chapel in las Vegas shoot for the moon. I mean, I mean-You wanna dump this
Seriocomic guy beca~~e of a police scanner. (And, my brother has a police
~can~er, 1t s the most a~noying device in this galaxy, squawk-
When a couple whose marriage he has witnessed decides to file Ing l~ke that, but do I d1sown my brother? Go out and get a
for divorce, Walter lectures them on the importance of making a dog 1n~tead? No!) What kind of ... do you see what I'm-...
•
commitment. Stay With eac~ other. If it wasn't going to work, you would
have known 1n the course of the goddamn quarter-century
0 0 0 you've already spent with each other. (Pause. Wired.) Have 1
made myself clear??
WALTER: What I want to tell you is this: I saw on Donahue last
week these five couples all of whom stay together despite the
fact that the guy knocks the shit out of the woman on a daily
basis. The women were there on stage, too, toothless won-
ders all of them. They stayed with these guys because they
know deep down that the men really love them. And besides,
they didn't get hit unless they did something really wrong.
Like breathe wrong, or I don't know, drop a plate or some-
thing. And you know what? You know what? I'm beginning
to think they're sane and that you people are the crazir·
You've got to be crazy! Here these people are battling it out "\
on a daily basis and you don't want to marry her because she /
makes things out of wire?? Deal with it! This is such a draw-
back? This is enough to make you say, "No"? "There's a more
perfect woman out there, just like her except she doesn't use
wire as a medium. In a perfect world, my wife uses-" What?
Pastels? In this world? In today's world you're shooting for
perfection. No. Sorr-ree, pal, it's not going to happen. Because
you'll find something wrong with the perfect match, too. Be·
cause to accept someone for good is to admit out loud that
you are not strong enough to handle things alone, that you
need someone to accompany you.· And what is wrong with
this? Nothing is. I think it happens every day. But we get
scared and we say, "I can be alone, I am just as happy then as
now." We lie to ourselves all the time. You guys have some-
thing everybody wants, my dumb-ass friend there, everyone I

•....
•
 ~- /!..Q0b/E--
ment, EMILY, rat/ler confused raises HER hand also. FATHER ing. I couldn't stop watChing them move. I wasn't afraid. I knew
DONNAU.Y falls to the ground and does a fairly good-or if not the wagons were getting farther away. I knew I was being left be-
good, at least unabashedly peculiar-imitation of bacon, making hind. But I wasn't afraid. I watched them leap. All four of them at
sizzling noises and contorting HIS body to represent becoming once. They dragged the big bull down. Ripped open the neck with
crisp. Toward the end, HE makes sputtering noises into the air. their knives. Ripped open the belly. The belly fell out on the
Then HE stands up again. All present applaud with varying degrees prairie. The membrane broke. All the insides rolled out, steaming
of approval or increduliry.) I also do coffee percolating. (HE does in the grass. My eyes began to sting. I heard them singing. Not
this) Pt. Pt. Ptplptplptptptplpt. Bacon's better. But things. like really a song. A kind of screaming as they tore out the tongue and
coffee and bacon are important in a maniage, because they repre!!ent ate it between them. The bull still twitching. Thin columns of dust
things that the wife does to make her husband happy. Or fat. rose up and I followed the dust with my eyes. The Tetons loomed
(Laughs) The wife cooks the bacon, and the husband bi:ings home behind. All blue. And I watched those moumains glow. And I
the bacon. This is how St. Paul saw marriage, although they prob- thought about Boston. And I missed my piano. And I couldn't be-
ably didn't really eat port back then, the curing process was not very lieve my piano was in the same world, living in the same lime and
well worked out in Christ's time, which is why so many of them I'd never see Boston again.
followed the Jewish dietary laws even though they were Christians. 7117180
I know I'm glad to be living now when we have cured pork and San Anselmo, Ca.
plumbing and showers rather than back when Christ lived. Many
priests say they wish they had lived in Christ's time so they could ***
have met Him; that would, of course, have been very nice, but I'm My Dad had this habit of picking at a shrapnel scar on the back of
glad I live now and that I have a shower. . his neck every time he heard a plane go over our land. He'd be
stooped over in the orchard repairing the irrigation pipes or the trac-
tor and he'd hear a plane then slowly straighten up, peel off his
MOTEL CHRONICLES Sam Shepard straw Mexican hat, run his hand through his hair, wipe the sweat off
on his thigh, hold the hat out In front of his forehead to shade his
MOTEL CHRONICLES is a collection of short autobiographical. eyes, squint deep into the sky; fix the pl~e with one eye and begin
writings by SAM SHEPARD. Both of these selections are reminis- picking slowly at the back of his neck. Just stare and pick. The
cences of childhood and require no particular background to per- scar was the mark of a World War II mission over Italy. A tiny
form. piec~ of metal remained embedded just under the surface. What got
me was the reflexive nature of this picking gesture. Every lime he
What I saw was this: From a distance. Four of them. Moving like
heard a plane he went for the scar. And he didn't stop picking at it
~- Dragging their legs toward the black herd. Like their legs
until he'd identified the aircraft to his complete satisfaclion. He de-
were dead. Pulling. their brown bellies across stone. I didn't even
lighted mostly in prop planes and this was the Fifties so there were
recognize them as human at first. Least of all Sioux. I thought they
quire a few big prop planes still in the air. If a formation of P-5l's
might be dark dogs or somelhing. Deep holes in the prairie. Mov-
100 101

,,.
J I
_)X
 ',_ ·-·
MY SIDE OF THE STORY [AARON: Jesus Ouist that's Th • .
by Bryan Goluboff But you didn't all h ' crazy. at s a crazy thing to do
re Y urt anybody, right?) ·
The bathroom of a luxury apartment in NYC, the present
Gil, a seasoned Wall Street player, 40-50 GIL: I'm so stupid -

GU bas been drinking tequila in his bathroom all afternoon.

When he is discovered by his son, he explains lhat he fears lhat
his wife is having an affair.
GIL: Puck man, I thought you'd help me... I really did,, (Gil
takes a drink.) I saw him touch her on the street, O.K.7 I saw
them together. He moved a lock of her hair out of her face in
such a way that ... Oh, Aaron ... I felt ... Can I talk to you ... ?
Shit... (Gil tries to find the right words.) I started to picture it, I
didn't want to, but it just came up - her unwrapped on the bed
like a birthday gift, him on top of her, his scrawnr. fucking ass,
doing things, he's got some kind of magic .•. Then tt 's black, you
know, like murder. The end. They call me ,"The Killer"
downtown, you know that? 'Cause when I snap, things
change ...
[AARON: Tell me what happened ... )
GIL: I found myself outside this restaurant. They're sitting in
the window. She's smiling like high school ... I'm sweating
behind this bush, hiding ... Finally, I went inside ... (Gil takes a
deep breath.) I went up to the table. They were shocked to see
me. They sounded like the record was on the wrong speed -
excuses, excuses. I didn't hear a word. They shut up. I didn't
know if I was gonna smash his face or scratch her skin off her.••
l reached over onto his plate and picked up this huge piece of
steak and I- (He shows Aaron how he tore the steak to pieces
right in front of their faces. It is a strangely violent and vicious
act, especially with the vigor that Gil pantomimes it.) Ripped it
apart. Blood splattered everywhere, on my shirt, in your
mother's face ... It was weird, I don't know why I did that... The
restaurant was silent I mean, nothing ... And I came to. Just
snapped out of it Regained control. Your mother was crying,
wiping that blood off her face. And I ran out of the restaurant, l
ran for blocks ... Thinking, "Sucker, SI!Cker, sucker, you shoulda
known... ·
54
ss
 what's really going on. So much quiet dignity concealing so much
The Ends of the Earth seething underground insect activity. And after all, my name is
Morris Panych
Gardener. Well, what else would it be? For so long I tried to avoid
becoming one. If I didn't know better I'd say my whole life had
been plotted out for me, like carrot seeds. In neat little rows. "Say.
Scene: Here and now Whatever happened to Frank Gardener?" "Gosh, I wonder."
Serio-Comic There I was. At The Free Advertiser Weekly. A gardening
Frank: a man on the edge, 405 columnist. It wasn't much, but I suppose it was something.
Frank is a quiet man who writes a column on gardening for a free newspaper. Following a
minor exchange of words with someone \o\'ho refuses a copy of the ,nper, Frank is reminded
of his early inrerest in insects.

0 0 0

FRANK: How can you not want it?! It's free, you idiot! What could
be more desirable than a free thing?! The whole concept here is
that you want it because it doesn't cost anything. Or have you
missed the entire point of this, 'you great, pompous - tit! (By
himself.) Good God. What's happening to me? I've never lost
control like that before. It's the stress of this - this - the pressure
of this - thing following me - this - but really, it's just hard to
believe that a free newspaper could have circulation problems. I
suppose people are overloaded with information now. And you
begin to discover that life is like a big rock. You don't necessarily
want to turn it over and see what's underneath. Unless you're an
entomologist, that is. Did I mention that I studied insects once? In
college. It seemed like the natural field for me. There are a few
exceptions, of course, but generally I like insects. If nothing else for
their sheer numbers. With insects, there's always a crowd. But I
gave up the study when I realized that most people in the field of
entomology seemed to end up in the extermination business. It
felt rather self-defeating. So I began to write poetry on the
subject, which proved vastly unpopular but did give me a feeling
for literary composition. I turned to writing fiction next. But that
never really worked out. My style is rather - lifeless. I can't even
tell a joke, without everybody becoming- sort of- concerned. So I
began writing about gardens. I can't imagine there being anything
so perfect as those. To look at a garden you wouldn't know

26 27
 "'--~

~o-...,..

FRANKIE AND JOHNNY IN THE CLAIR DE LUNE FRANKIE AND JOHNNY IN THE CLAIR DE LUNE
by Terrence McNally
New York City - Present - Johnny (30-40) up, side of fries" is pretty much the extent of it. But she's noticed
him, he can feel it. And he's noticed her. Right off. They both
On their first date Frankie and Johnny return to Frankie's knew tonight was going to happen. So why did it take him six
'
apartment for a round of passionate lovemaking. Johnny IS
. weeks for him to ask her if she wanted to see a movie that neither
clearly smitten with Frankie, who can't seem to overcome her one of them could tell you the name of right now? Why did they eat
fear of becoming emotionally connected. When he finally ice cream sundaes before she asked him if he wanted to come up
declares his love for her, she orders him to leave. Instead of since they were in the neighborhood? And then they were making
leaving, Johnny phones the radio station that they've been love and for maybe an hour they forgot the ten million things that
listening to and makes the following request. made them think "I don't love this person. I don't even like them"
and instead all they knew was that they were together and it was
JOHNNY: (Into phone.) May I speak to your disc joc~ey? ... W~ll perfect and they were perfect and that's all there was to know about
excuse me! (He covers phone, to Frankie.) They don t have a disc it and as they lay there, they both began the million reasons not to
jockey. They have someone called Midnight With Marlon. (Into love one another like a familiar rosary. Only this time he stopped
phone.) Hello, Marlon? My name is Johnny. My ~riend a_nd I_ were himself. Maybe it was the music you were playing. They both
making love and in the afterglow, which I sometimes think IS the heard it. Only now they're both beginning to forget they did. So
most beautiful part of making love, she noticed that you were would you play something for Frankie and Johnny on the eve of
playing some really beautiful music, piano. She was right. I don't something that ought to last, not self-destruct. I guess I want you to
know much about quality music, which I could gather that was, so play the most beautiful music ever written and dedicate it to us. (He
1 would like to know the name of that particular piece and the artist hangs up.)
performing it so I can buy the record and pr~sent i~ to. my lady l?v~,
whose name is Frankie and is that a beautiful comc1dence or IS 11
not? (Short pause.) Bach. Johann Sebastian, right? _I heard of
him. The Goldberg Variations. Glenn Gould. Columbia Records.
(To Frankie.) You gonna remember this? (Frankie smaCks him hard
across the cheek. Johnny takes the phone from his ear and holds it
against his chest. He just looks at her. She smacks him again. Th~
time he catches her hand while it is still against his cheek, holds It
a beat, then brings it to his lips and kisses it. Then, into phone, he
continues but what he says Is really for Frankie, his eyes never
leaving her.) Do you take requests, Marlon? Then make an
exception! There's a man and a woman. Not young, not old. No
great beauties, either one. They meet where they work: a restaurant
and it's not the Ritz. She's a waitress. He's a cook. They meet but
they don't connect. "I got two medium burgers working" and "Pick

80 81
 (He notices a shaft of sunlight; he holds his hand inside it.)
Beam of light ...
Floating Rhoda and the Glue Man
Eve Ensler
(Notices another. steps underneath it.)
Hello, sun. Ray of warmth. (Steps under another.) Ray
(And another.) Light for the lost.
(just as it's becoming like a dance, the sunlight goe way.) Scene: Here and now
Damn. (Beat.) I'm on that beach again. Why doe 't my father just Dramatic
swoop down and scoop me up onto his shou ers? Where is he? I Barn: an artist searching for love and healing, 30s

babble something in Spanish and I start to . To run. I'm on fire. Bam's mother was killed by a wing that had fallen off a statue of an angel. Since that day,
A burning boy, burning with fear, with ame, surrounded by a wings have become the central theme of his art. Here, Bam does his best to explain his
sea of strange faces. Lost, begging be found. (Beat.) Fit in. obsession to the ~an he loves.
Change the way you dress, walk, tal . Honor society, debate team, 0 0 0
student government. I wasn't anY, f those people I pretended to
be. But the really scary part s that if I wasn't any of those BARN: (Pointing to his painting with a pointer stick like a teacher.)
people, then who was I? (Be .) I haven't mentioned that I came What is a wing Rhoda? Please, think about it. I need you to think
back to Columbia once b ore. A few years back. My Spanish about it. I need you to think about wings. A wing is not a muscle
sucked, 1was instantly br ded the Gringo. My own relatives took per se or a bone. It's a collection of feathers, a mass of feathers
great delight in pointi out all my North Americanism's. They glued together, well merged together, inseparably working,
didn't know how rig they were. The flip side is that I looked blending, flapping to make flight. To make take off. Feathers like
around and I saw f ilies who looked like mine. Who acted like waves washing over one another, washing over and over and up
mine. My upbrin ng hadn't been so strange after all. But I'd and up. Wings are for rising. They carry you. And yet, I was
already spent m first twenty-odd years blaming myself for feeling standing next to her on the sidewalk, my mother. It was
out of place, f being different. I was my own worst racist. Valentine's Day and she was wearing bubble gum colored lipstick
(Long pause As he prepares to wash his hands and face in the and hippie heart shell earrings and she was laughing. She was
stream.) definitely laughing. I was walking funny, five year old funny, trying
I keep e ecting the ground to open up and swallow me whole. to make her laugh because her laughing was like a window
Makes i tough to be optimistic, you know? opening. We were laughing together and then just like that she
(Hew shes.) was falling and it was falling, the cement wing, all broken off, all
I as ermission of this place ... this place of emerald shadows ... falling through the sidewalk, through my mother. Mommy.
.... ~
(H washes.) Mommy. 1 kept looking up Rhoda. Wondering where it had come
ater. Give my dreams life ... give my life dreams. (Pause.) The from, who sent it, praying they would take it back. Secretly hoping
day has passed. I anticipate the coming darkness. No one will another would land on me so I could go with her. Wings Rhoda.
protect me.
We're all missing our wings. It's this invisible hunger for wings that
makes us behave like this.
 "-
A GIRL'S GUIDE TO CHAOS
by Cynthia Heimel
A GIRL'S GUIDE TO CHAOS
.,......)

New York City - Present - Jake (20-30) suddenly on the scale of the Crusades? Wby can't we just be with
someone, say, "Okay, I have fun with you, I like to sleep with you
Here, Jake speaks to the audience of his experience with you're the one for me, I'm going to stop looking now. • '
relationships and offers insight into the sometimes bel\lddling
Hah! Wake me when we get things figured out.
realm of romance in the 1980's.

JAKE: Now I was mol)ogamous. Faithful old Jake. Cynthia was

more than enough for me to handle. We lived together for three
years. I think I scared her away. I came on too strong. I knew
what I wanted, and I took it. Tried to take it. You know what she
used to love? Going to the supermarkets at three in the morning.
She was always looking for the plums with the red meat inside them.
She'd get Ibis excited look in her eye as she stuck her thumbnail into
each plum.
Women! There's someone else I have my eye on now. It's a
little complicated. Don 'I even ask. And you know, I'm trying to do
it just right. I don't call every day. I call maybe every fourth day.
And I try for nonchalance. (WHIS1LES, TWIDDLES FINGER.) So,
like, wanna go to a movie maybe?
I've gotten nowhere. She doesn't even know I exist. I think.
I don't know. I'm confused.
Here's my theory: You live in New York of all places, in 1988
of all times, and you can't help it, you're totally self-involved.
We all not only tlrink we're the center of the universe and about
to become famous in a second, but we're completely self-conscious.
Like me being nonchalant. Like me searching my soul for the
proper place to take her for cappuccino to make a good impression.
Is Zabar's too yuppie? Is Lanciani too bright? I edit what I say-I
remember in the sixties when you could just say, "Come here,
woman," and then in the seventies you just got a look in your eye
like your puppy died and said, "I know I shouldn't be telling you
this, but I cry sometimes, lafe at night." Now I don't know. So I
just say what comes into my nrind. That doesn't work either.
I mean, what's the big deal? Wby is searching for a mate

48
49
 THE GEOGRAPHY OF LUCK GROTESQUE LOVESONGS
by Marlane Meyer by Don Nigro
Las. Vegas - Present- Dixie (30's) Terre Haute, IN - 1980's - Pete (27)

When Dixie returns 10 his home in Las Vegas after having Pete has just learned that his younger brother, John, is not his
served a prison temi for strangling his wife, he discovers that father's son. Romy, John's fiancee, whom Pete secretly desires,
his mother, once a beautiful Vegas showgirl, has died. Dixie offers some unsolicited advice. Pete snaps back.
struggles 10 come 10 terms with his past and his feelings for his
parents. PETE: I hate it when people who are not where I am, who have
never been where I am and who will never be where I am try and
DIXIE: I thought I saw my mother in a bar the other day but she tell me it isn't really ·as bad where I am as I think it is. You are not
ignored me when I tried to say hello. She was sitting with a man, where I am, so don't talk to me about it, and you were certainly not
and I was watching them and they were silent with each other, you on my honeymoon, and I don't want to hear a bunch of stupid shit
know the way couples are. And I watched that man till I could see from somebody who wasn't there about what it was or wasn't like
through his eyes, my father's eyes, and this woman, she made a joke or how I should feel about it. In fact, I don't want to hear anything
to him, and he turned away. Cold. And I could feel myself you've got to say, so why don't· you just get the hell out of here and
becoming afraid, I could feel his fear. Of her intimacy. 'Cause I leave me alone?
was not worthy, he was not worthy.
And I could feel him become angry with her and it moved me.
I went up to him, and asked him, where did he learn to be
worthless? Where did he learn to be unworthy of love?
And he stood up, and he stared at me, at my arms and my fists
and he turned to the woman, and he jerked her up and accused her
of flirting with me by making herself congenial to him. And then he
slapped her. Hard. And I felt that slap sting my cheek, and my
father's cheek, and my father's father's cheek, all the way down the
line, I saw dead men reel under the weight of that blow, 'cause
jealousy, Dutchy, is a curse.

26 27
 ---------,

GOOSE AND 'l'OMTOM

. by Davl,d ~be GOOSE AND TOMTOM
Jlnderwl>rld aparbnent- 'R,ecently- Goose (20-30)
,... . ;> -- .· .
cold. Out by green scummy ponds unable to talk all my feelin's or
G<io~e alld T!imtii"m,llre jewel thei~s whose soul~ struggle for thoughts but burstin' with 'em. Layin' inna wet slimy grass, hopin'
survival i!l a purgatory-like setting where they seem condemmed to lick some fly outa the air. Worms around me an' spiders. The
to t:ODiniiling acts ofviolence. During his journey· from life to night seems so long. As years an' years. And then there's light, an'
this surrealisitic place, Goose has been given insight into his true I see my body's a person again, 'cause I made the ghost a promise
natUre as he here reveals to Tomtom. I don't know what it was. (Slight pause.) An' sometimes, I still get
feelings of a frog an' I gotta look around and check everything real
GOOSE: I mean, it was before I lived around here. I don't know good an' make sure I'm not layin' in green wet grass wantin' to eat
where it was, but I was in this room, and I couldn't get out. But I flies, 'cause I'm cold in my heart sometimes. I'm all spotty an' I
don't give a fuck. It's happened before. And then all of a sudden green in my heart. In my heartl know where I belong, an' I got big 1
there's all:tliis dark behind me that's different than ~II the other dark: buggy eyes. (Pause.) That fuckin' promise to a ghost, I made it-I 1
and in this·.~ifferent dark, there is the reason that it's different, and don't know what it was, but I know I'm keepin' it. He said I would i
the reason is it's a ghost behind me, and when I tum to look be just be a frog as long as he was a ghost, and blood was red and mud wet
moves so he stays behind me, and then he says like into the back of an' secrets secrets. You ever made a promise to a ghost? Tom .. ;
my head, "Don't you wanna know the secret?" And I say "No I tom?
don '"An'h
I. e says, "It's a secret about you, don't you'wanna '
know it?" And I say, "No," an' I'm wishin' he would m;> away, and
he hears my thinkin', so he's angry.
(1bmtom spasms, gening sicker, and Goose goes to the downstage
crates from which Tomtom got the aspirins. Goose gets a
thermometer, a stethoscope, aspirin, perhaps something for the pins.
Going back to Tomtom, he tends him.)
GOOSE: All of a sudden in his anger I can't move anymore and
then I can, but I can't stand up, or talk. And all of a sudden I know
why all the other little kids in the neighborhood hate me, 'cause they
do, and tease me, 'cause they do, and it's 'cause I'm a frog. 'At's
the secret about me. And now be's brought it up outa the secret
places in me and into my body; this ghost with these eyes has looked
at me an' turned me into a frog in me. (Pause.) Well, I'm cryin'-
l'm not afraid to tell you, Tomtom, I'm cryin' an' beggin', I'll do
anything he wants-I don't know what it is-but I can't move or
speak, all green and spotty. So the night is on and on, and it's truer
than anything else. I belong on my belly. Out of doors an' wet and

107
108
 wn Monologues I Uug/uto ~ es •Ill

~~
there eating her mushroom and barley soup, which happeneil to be
that's my business and I'll handle it my own way. I never expected
anything from you or your brother. Outside this house, ~ou ca~ call delicious, and I decided I didn't want any more. Not the soup-my
me any goddamn thing you want to call me. But under th1s roof IS my life. So I went inside, packed my bags and said, "Blanche, I think I
domain, and if you talk to me, you show me some respect. got to get out of here. And I don't think I'm ever coming back" ...
And I swear to you, Libby, if she had laughed I would have stayed. If
Herb. ACT I. Scene ii. she saw the craziness of what I was doing, the absurdity of it, I
would have unpacked my bags and finished my soup. But she looked
Drivm by a mix of contrition and caring, Herb has retrieved Libby at me, cold as ice, and said, "If that's how you feel, who wants you?"
after she ran from the house eluting a bitter exchange between them. So I put on my hat, left her whatever cash I had in my pocket, walked
He offers her lodging and understanding and does his best to ex- down the stairs and I never came back ... And that's it. As simple as
plain his reasons for leaving home in the following speech that.

HERB Herb. ACT II. Scene iii.

The truth is, I didn't like her very much ... Oh, she was a good
woman. Worked hard, never complained when we didn't have Libby has moved in with Herb and has done wonders for the house-
enough money ... The trouble was, she wasn't any fun. She had no hold. She has cleaned, painted, and spruced up the place in general.
humor at all. I could never make her laugh. That's what hurt me She is a whiz. She is also upbeat and positive-not a defeatist like
more than anything. We'd go to a party, I'd have a couple of drinks, Herb.
in an hour, I swear, I'd have them all rolling on the floor. And I'd During the past few evenings, Libby has been returning home at
look over at her and she's just be staring at me. A blank look on her all hours. Herb, displaying the tendencies of a normal father, is
face. Not angry, not upset, just not understanding. As if she walked deeply concerned for her well-being. Upon questioning, he learns
into a foreign movie that didn't have any subtitles. She just didn't that she has taken a job as a parking attendant, and that she is using
know how to enjoy herself. Oh, I know where it all came from. the position as a means ofadvertising her acting talelll to in.f/rtential
You're poor, you grow up in the Depression, life means struggle, people on the Hollywood scene-she writes her message on the back
hard work, responsibilities. I came from the same background, but of their parking tickets. Unable to see that she is showing the tenacity
we always laughed in my house. Didn't have meat too often, but we and grit that he lacks, Herb derides her enterprising idea as a foolish
had fun. Her father never went to a movie, never went to a play. He waste of time.
only danced once in his entire life, at his wedding-and he did that
because it was custom, tradition, not joy, not happiness. I give him a HERB
book to read and if he found in the middle he was enjoying it, he YOU HAVE NO CHANCE! NONE! There are five thousand quali-
would put it down. Education, yes. Entertainment, no ... Anyway. fied agents in this town who can't get their clients a meeting with
we were married about four years, and one day I was just sitting these people, but you think they're going to call you because you left
 ._., "''"'" "J LoU~ii•oJ. " ..l"to
__.I
'·..._..:

The thirty-three-year-old marriage between Kate and Jack is Jack. ACT I.

.,.
strained because Kate is harboring the fact that she knows Jack had
been intimate with another woman. But she has said nothing, hoping After thirty-three years, the marriage of Kate and Jack Jerome has
that the affair would prove transitory. But when she discovers that become sub-Platonic. Jack is listless, uncommunicative, and no
Jack has renewed the relationship, she can no longer remain silent longer affectionate. Kate, suspecting infidelity, has confronted Jack
and confronts him with the facts. Jack reluctantly admits to the affair. with this proposition. After an embarrassing interlude of denial, Jack
But his confession is self-satisfying. Kate is hurt and left with feel- finally opens up regarding his feelings and admits to having had an
ings of inadequacy and anger. Their domestic relationship degener- affair.
ates into one of either referring to each other in the third person or
not speaking. In the meantime, Eugene and Stan have gotten an as- JACK \
signment writing for a new comedy show on CBS radio. They are I've stopped feeling for everything. Getting up in the morning, going
elated, but their elation is short-lived when Jack interprets their hu-
mor as a direct reflection upon family and friends and, more specifi-
cally, upon his act of infidelity. The boys try to reason with Jack, but
to bed at night ... Why do I do it? Maybe it was the war. The war
came along and after that, nothing was the same. I hated poverty, but
I knew how to deal with it. I don't know my place anymore. When I
[
I
his guilt renders him irrational, and when he attempts to defend his was a boy in temple, I looked at the old men and thought, "They're
\
mistress, Stan stands up for his mother in a noble but relationship- so wise. They must know all the secrets of the world." ... I'm a
!'
fracturing outburst. middle-aged man and I don't know a damned thing. Wisdom doesn't
Jack moves out of the house, and when Eugene and Stan score as come with age. It comes with wisdom ... I'm not wise, and I never
writers for Phil Silvers, they decide to move to New York City. They will be ... I don't even lie very well ... There was a woman. (Kate
have outgrown Brighton Beach and it is time to move on. Jack stares at him.) About a year ago. I met her in a restaurant on Seventh
eventually remarries, Ben finally succumbs to the sunny beaches of Avenue. She worked in a bank, a widow. Not all that attractive, but
Miami, and Kate remains in her home, basking in the glory of her refined woman, spoke very well, better educated than I was ... It
sons' success. was a year ago, Kate. It didn't last long. I never thought it would .. .
and it's over now. If I've hurt you, and God knows you have every
right to be, then I apologize. I'm sorry. But I'll be truthful with you. I
didn't tell it to you just now out of a great sense of honesty. I told
you because I couldn't carry the weight of all that guilt on my back
anymore. (Jack waits quietly for her reaction.)
 '-'
Jack. ACTI. KATE
What do I want to do? Is that how it works? You have an affair, and I
After Jack admits to an affair, Kate probes him regarding the other get the choice of forgetting about it or living alone for the rest of my
woman. He pleads with her not to do so. But she is understandably life? ... It's so simple for you, isn't it? I am so angry. I am so hurt by
hurt and angry and is adamant that he tell her why he chose this your selfishness. You break what was good between us and leave me
woman in particular. Jack reluctantly does sa. to pick up the pieces ... and still you continue to lie to me.

JACK Intervening speech. Jack: I told you everything.

This is a mistake, Kate. A mistake we'll both regret, as God is my
judge ... Why this woman? Because she had an interest in life be- KATE (cont'd.) _
sides working in a bank or taking care of her house. To her, the (Sitting in US dining chair.) I knew about that woman a year ago. I
world was bigger than that. She read books I never heard of, talked got a phone call from a friend. I won't even tell you who ... "What's
about places I never knew existed. When she talked, I just listened. going on with you and Jack?" she asks me. "Are you two still
And when I talked, I suddenly heard myself say things I never knew together? Who's this woman he's having lunch with every day?" she
I felt. Because she asked questions that I had to answer ... Learning asks me ... I said, "Did you see them together?" ... She said, "No,
about yourself can be a very dangerous thing, Kate. Some people, but I heard." ... I said, "Don't believe what you hear. Believe what
like me, should leave well enough alone ... The things you were you see!" and I hung up on her ... Did I do good, Jack? Did I defend
afraid to hear, I won't tell you, because they're true. It lasted less my husband like a good wife? ... A year I lived with that, hoping to
time than you think, but once was enough to hurt, I realize that ... I God it wasn't true and if it was, praying it would go away ... And
never ate in that restaurant again, and I have never once seen her God was good to me. No more phone calls, no more stories about
again ... if either one of us feels better now that I've told you all Jack and his lunch partner ... No more wondering why you were
that, then shame on both of us. (Jack sits at the table, opposite Kate. coming home late from work even when it wasn't busy season ...
She turns away from him.) If I killed a man on the street, you would Until this morning. Guess wo calls me? ... Guess who Jack was
probably stand by me. Maybe even understand it. So why is this the having lunch with in the same restaurant twice last week? ... Last
greatest sin that can happen to a man and wife? year's lies don't hold up this year, Jack ... This year you have to
deal with it. (Jack looks at her, remains silent far a moment.)
Kate. ACT I.
Stan. ACT II.
Jack's revelations have been truly hurtful. He has nat only broken
the trust between them, he has also made Kate feel unappreciated A month has passed, and the tension between Kate and Jack is evi-
and intellectually inadequate. When he asks her what she wants to dent. They are not speaking and are addressing each ather in the
do, this is her response:
 ,ji~
'1I.1
·''
!I'
ADVICE FROM A CATERPILLAR
'I' by Douglas Carter Beane
:11 Upstate New York- Present- Suit (30's)
:! I

;; I' . Suit's plans for a fun-filled weekend go awry when he finds

"

I',I
himself playing host to Spaz, a decadent performance artist
whose homosexuality makes the conservative Suit very
. I
uncomfortable. The two play Candyland while they wait for the
other guests, and Suit reveals that he was somewhat less together
'i! !: in his youth.

I . SUIT: I don't really like it when she cheats. You know7 She-
I, II uhm .. .l would like her to be above that. Not like-1 don't mean to
make it sound like I want her to be better than me. I mean my life
!1 is fine. Secure. I'm proud of my solidness. Not that I'm insensit-
ive to others when they're unsolid. I mean, I've had my moments'
of fragility, I guess. Back in my-God, must have been sophomore
year of college-Jesus, I was out there. Very erratic. Met this girl,
her name was ... don't even remember. Beautiful. Looked like
Cheryl Tiegs. I was a mess. Just, ~ I said, out there. Couldn't
think of anything but being with her and drinking thick red wine and
making love and writing awful poems that rhymed and... what was
her name? My grades were in the basement. My Dad-oh God-
i embarrassing memory-My Dad had to come down and give me one
of those your-mother-and-I lectures. "Your mother and I" (HE
laugh$) God. I used to get those speeches semi-annually like
reports. But this time my old man seemed-I don't know-pretty
fragile himself. Couldn't look me in the eye. And Dad was big on
eye contact. I could make eye contact before I could walk. So I
broke up with the girl whose name I can't remember but who
apparently was so important at the time. What can I tell you? I'm
not one of those people who carry on like a French singer, right?
"Life is to be lived on the edge, ho ho. •

[SPAZ: Hate them.]

I
 WALKING THE DEAD WALKING THE DEAD
by Keith Curran
Boston - Present- Chess (30's) I never cried about my parents committing suicide. I figured that if
their decision to be dead was the reason we had those happy three
Here, a troubled man shares the story of his parents' double months together, it wasn't up to me to get upset about it, and that
suicide and his subsequent struggle to cope with the loss. really got on my psychiatrist's nerves. He kept saying that it was
perfectly normal to cry-but I think he just wanted me to break
CHESS: My parents committed suicide. I found them. I was 10 down in his office and make him feel effective. Six months after my
years old. I've put together the story, and here it is. Three monL'ls parents committed suicide, Mom and Dad was hit by a car. He died
before they killed themselves my parents went on diets. There w:ts three hours later. I cried and cried. I couldn't stop. My
quite a lot of nervousness in my family, and they went on diets. My psychiatrist thought all the crying was wonderful and explained that
father was thin and his diet was to eat bread and pancakes and butter . I was using Mom and Dad's death as an excuse to mourn my
and milkshakes. My mother was heavy and her diet was to eat ·parents. But he was wrong. It was just for Mom and Dad. I loved
carrots. I ate what my father ate, but halfway through a meal he· d that dog. Thank you.
look at my plate and say: "You done with that, son?" This was tl;e
happiest time of my childhood because my parents were calm and
loved each other a whole lot. Then one day I came home from
school and the house was empty. I decided to get my racquet ar.d
hit a few balls. I found them in the garage hanging from a support
·beam. They were hanging from either end of the same rope, and
near their dangling feet were the chairs they'd kicked away. I
realise now that my parents went on their diets so they'd weigh the
same. I don't remember what I did after I found them, but I ended
up living with my Aunt Peg and going to a psychiatrist twice a
week .. My Aunt Peg bought me a dog to make up for my loss, and
I tied a rope around the dog's neck, threw the rope up over a beam
in the downstairs family room, stood on a chair, and tied the other
end around my neck. I guess it's good I didn't have a younger
brother or sister. So I kicked the chair away and something cracked
and I hit the floor afil;l something landed on the dog~s head. It wds
a fake beam just glued to the ceiling. I sprained my ankle and the
dog got a cut on its nose. I waShed out the cut and put a bandaid on
it and hugged the dog until Uncle Hank found us and called my psy ·
chiatrist. -He told him what I did-and that I'd named the do1:
"Mom and Dad"-and my psychiatrist thought that was interesting.
But I just liked it when my Aunt Peg said: "go feed Mom and Dad."

86 87
 I "

THE LINE THAT PICKED UP 1000 BABES J'1.,... Y Y IICII yuu

I\.lUk .)1111,;,) ~VIII~ LV uc ,)

I
! .·, IIIIU
r;.l '=JIIIIII!;;tU•
.I,

(AND HOW IT CAN WORK FOR YOU) uc y gir . But it. can't b: me because, well, I'm attract~d •t~
by Eric Berli11 guys that ar~ gomg to shit all over me. • So great. So now I've
Alan. a man trying to pick up a woman in a bar
I got all the fnends 1 need, so why should 1 be a .
more? Hu~? 1 ~hink I'll. be a shit now. Yeah! 1 t~ii~~ ~~t,:~;~
Asingles bar
Seriocomic
I ~ome, stupid pick-up hnes and use them on girls who are
ressed to. get ,laid. I think I'll be proud of how loud I can
When Alan approaches Diane with the intention of getting
know her, her chilly response brings out the worst in him.
to
belch. '· thmk Ill use· women like they're Black and D . k
screwdr~versl s.urel That's what girls really want to hea~~
ghreatl lifde ~egins now, okay? Okay? Come on babe let's ~
:r
0 0 0
ome an tuck! • 9
•

AN: (His frustration and anger build gradually as he delivers

this.) I'm a nice guy. I'm a goddamn nice guy. I say that not
because I think it's true but because that's what everybody
says. If you ask any girl who's known me for more than a
week. that's how they'll describe me. "Alan? He's a ~ice guy. • I
They say that because, you know, hell, you know nice guys.
right? Don't try to hurt people, try .to be a gentleman. Treat
people right, especially girls. Because that's what we learned
I
I
girls are attracted to, they want to be treated right. Right?
You get a bunch of girls together and get them talking about
guys, and they'll dream you up the perfect gentleman. But
when it comes to real life, oh manl, that's very different. Be-
cause you get those girls together and get them talking about
I
real men. not figments of their imagination but real people, I
i
and what do you get? (Mimicking.) "Ohhh, men are scum!
Men are slime! Men are shits!" (You notice how all those I
words begin with "S"? I think there's something to that.) So
men are all these "S" words, all these and more, but who do
I
I
I

the girls date? Who comes on to them at the bars and who do !
!'
they go home with? The slime! The shits! And then after they
get hurt, and they always do, they call me up to confide in
me, because long ago we decided that we were "just going to
be friends." (I swear, you girls need to get a whole new vo-
cabulary; you girls have started so many goddamn clichl!s it's
not even funny.) So these girls call me up and they say, "Alan,
all guys are sliiiime!" and then they realize that they're talking
I
I
to a guy, and they say, "Oh, except·you, Alan, you're a Nice
I
55
I ..
I
I
I
 '
I THE LINE THAT PICKED UP 1000 BABES
under the tree. Maybe Santa's left you a"Biack. an~ D~~~~~~i~·
bratorl" That was my Christmas in Vermont I dldn t g . .. • I (AND HOW IT CAN WORK FOR YOU)
by Eric Berlin
didn't. go toboggariin' • or talk with colorful old guys S~l~nl~
n' me did not look for a house to rent or JO s .o
ya~n\·~~~~a~ was abandoned instantly. It was just a ~tuhld
I Charlie, a man getting drunk in a bar, 20-30
~~~ dream. I was lookin' to make a miracle happen an t ey I A singles bar
Seriocomic
don't come that easy.
I When Charlie is approached by a woman claiming to know him,
he feels compelled to deliver the following diatribe.

0 0 0

CHARLIE: It's a vety small world. Vety small. I ran into some girl
before, she comes up to me like we're the oldest of friends.
Her name's Joan, Jane, John, something like that. You know
who she turns out to be? She's my ... wait, wait, I want to
get this straight. She's my ex-girlfriend's sister's friend's older
brother's ex-girlfriend. Is that stretching it or what? And here I
am talking to her like I may have at one time saved her life.
"Hi, how you doing, been a long time, yeah." I can't believe I
recognized her. What, did I see her once, maybe twice. Maybe
said five words to her. And two of them were "Gesundheit."
And the damn thing is, it happens all the time. Makes me feel
like I'm losing my mind sometime. I pass people out on the
street, they say hello to me, say hello to them, I walk away
saying, who the fuck was that? It gets to the point that I say
hello to every person I make eye contact with. I mean, I don't
know why I babble when I get drunk, it's just something I do, I
babble. My friends say "You babble when you get drunk."
and they're right, it's something I do, I babble. Because I don't
care too much when it's a guy says hello to me and I don't
know who he is. I mean, it bothers me a little, but I'm not
going to spend the day agonizing over it. But the girls, I get
these pretty girls who are just so happy to see me, and I'm
happy to see them too, and I'd be even happier if I knew who
they fucking were! But, you know, you can't ask, right? You
can't tell some girl you don't know who she is, she'll be in-
sulted. Right? Right?
[DIANE: I don't know ... ]
CHARLIE: See, I'll prove it, who the fuck are you?

""'
~:;:· ;11
'
 JEFFREY
by Paul Rudnick KEELYANDDU
by Jane Martin
Jeffrey, a gay man determined to give up sex, 20-30
NYC, the Present Cole, an abusive alcoholic, 30s
Seriocomic A basement in Rhode Island, the Present
Dramatic
Here, Jeffrey bravely renounces sex.
Cole has brutally raped his e~-wife•. Keely, who was subsequently
0 0 0 ktdnapped by a milttan~ antt-abo'!ton group. It is the group's in- .•
tent to keep Keely a pnsoner until the child she carries is at term
JEFFREY: Okay. Confession time. You know those articles, the In the meantime, they have sought out Cole and cleaned him up
tn hopes that Keely will forgive him and want to become a family
ones all those right wingers use? The ones that talk about gay
agam. Here, the newiy "saved" Cole begs Keely for forgiveness.
men who've had over 5000 sexual partners? Well, compared
to me, they're shut-ins. Wallflowers. But I'm not promiscuous. 0 0 0
That is such an ugly word. I'm cheap. /love sex. I don't know
how else to say it. 1always have, I always thought that sex was
COLE: Take me back. Forgive me. /loved you in a bad way a terri-
ble w_ay, and I sinn~d against your flesh and spirit. God forgive
the reason to grow up. I couldn't wait/ I didn't/ I mean-sex!
me. I m a~ alc~hohc but. I don't drink now. 1don't know ... 1
It's just one of the truly great ideas. I mean, the fact that our
bodies have this built-in capacity for joy-it just makes me love
w~s · .. lived hke ... didn't know right from wrong, but I'm
God. Yes!
~1th Jesus n~w. I accept him as my Lord and he leads me in
But 1 want to be politically correct about this. I know it's h1s path. '. will stay on the path. I will stay on the path. we
wrong to say that all gay men are obsessed with sex. Because
were marned, Keely, you are carrying my baby, let's start from
there. I p~t you on a pedestal, Keely, 1 do, 1 wouldn't say it
that's not true. All human beings are obsessed with sex. All
and I am 1n the .O:ud, I'm d~owning and 1ask you to lift me up
gay men are obsessed with opera. And it's not the same thing.
and th~n we m1mster to th1s child. Jeez, Keely, our child. You
Because you can have good sex. .
know ~~ my house, in my father's house, Jeez, what were
Except-what's. going on? I mean, you saw. Thmgs are
those k1~s, they were nuthin', they were disposable. In your
just-not what they should be. Sex is too sacred to be treated
house, n~ht, you kno~ what a time you had. You know. But it
this way. Sex wasn't meant to be safe, or negotiated, or fatal.
But you know what really did it? This guy. I'm in bed with him, can be different for h1m. I'm different, look in my eyes, you
know tha!· ~ey, my temper, you know, 1 don't do that, it's
and he starts crying. And he says, "I'm sorry, it's just-this
used to be so much fun." over. (ln_drcatmg Walter.) Ask him is it over. 1 think about you
So. Enough. Facts of life. No more sex. Not for me. Done!
every m1nute, everyday. I want to dedicate my life to you be-
And you know what? It's going to be fine. Because I am a cause it's owed, it's owed to you. You got my baby. 1hurt you
naturally cheerful person. And I will find a substitute for sex.
so .bad you would kill a baby! That's not you, who would de-
Sex lite. Sex helper. 1 Can't Believe It's Not Sex. I will find a
scnbe you, you would do that? Jeez, Keely, don't kill the baby
I br~ught a bo?k we could look up names, we could do thai
great new way to live, and a way to be happy. So-no more.
The sexual revolution is over! England won. No sex! No sex.
to~1ght. You p1ck the name, I would be proud. I'm going to
I'm ready! I'm willing! Let's go!
wa1t on you. You're the boss. They got me a job. I'm em-
ployed. F1ve o'clock, I'm coming home. Boom. No arguments. 1

46
47
 WALKING THE DEAD WALKING THE DEAD
by Keith Curran
Boston - Present - Bobby (30's) "different". I did not throw footballs appropriately. I went to
college and had sex with people who threw footballs appropriately-
Bohhy 1s ;tngry that his homosexuality is monitored by society's by getting them very drunk-or so they said. The resultant guilt,
sterci)IYI'h!~. and ~ays so. however, encouraged my last attempt at heterosexuality, which upon
FAILING, allowed me to "resign myself to my fate" and move to a
BOBBY: Uc.•hby. Why am I Bobby. Why is Veronica Homer? I major American urban center where I found many fellows who were
was Robert nu>st of my life. Then for a while I became "Max". into show tunes and who, when looking at an attractive man with an
"Max'" had a certain masculine brevity that proved effective in the attitude, said thlngs like: "Now whom does she think she is?: Next
clone-popular ""I'll lean against this brick and look at you like I hate came working out and wearing hardhats, followed by working out
you, now fink me, Mary" late 1970's. Then came safe sex and I and wearing polo shirts, followed by staying in and ~earing
became ''Uc>hhy!'' A younger name. A less anally-entered name; condoms. Now 1 am old-in gay years-I_am clever, supenor and
Do you have anything? Any Wine-thing? acerbic-and I serve as a rite of passage for younger homosexuals
who warm my hardened heart with their simplicity' kindness, lack
[CHESS: I ~tink so.) of cynicism and wrinkle-free·, worshipful eyes. Bing, ~ing, bing,
bing, bing, and I can't stand it! I have been, and_ continue to be,
every stereotype I loathe. I can't get away from tt! What began
(Chess gets "·in,· from the fridge.) with the terrifying realisation that I was "different" has been replaced
by the even 1110re terrifyil!g realisation that I am the same.
BOB_BY: I <im, in case you are paying due attention, embodying a
class1c homosexual stereotype for you at this time. The "Self-
loathing Alc .. holk Queen". Stereotypes are true, Chester! I mean,
where"'' the "compassionately encumbered" think stereotypes come
from. li•r c;,.u·:, sake? Some kind of far-right think-tank at a trailer
park in Oklahoma City? Do they think all the "Joe-Bobs" and
"Slims" :~nd "lim-Bos" sit around brainstonning? "Uh ... I know!
Why don_' we say that homosexual men . .. lisp/ Yeah, Joe-Bob, let's
~y th_ey hsp and worship over-emotional, victimised, yet unattractive
g•rl Singers!" I mean, ho1110s-do-lisp! Not all but enough. And
black m~n will wear almost anything on their heads. Jewish mothers
do smother ~1eir beloved male offspring. And heterosexual men do
spend most o_f their post-pubescence fantasizing about getting
repeated hlow-Jobs from lesbian twin sisters in the back seat of a '57
Buick! i':ut .-ILL-but ENOUGH! Just enough, The first emotion
I felt upon rea~hing the age of reason was the feeling that I was

88 89
··.:.::

LARGO DESOLATO LARGO DESOLATO

by Vaclav Havel
English version by Tom Stoppard r you to! It's a touching and beautiful thing that you don't lose
Leopold's living room - Present- Leopold (40's) ope of making me into someone better than I am but-don't be
gry-it's an illusion. I've fallen apart, I'm paralysed I won't
Professor Leowld Nettles has written a book which contains a hange and it would be best if they came for me and took :Oe where
paragraph considered offensive by the repressive government would no longer be the cause of unhappiness and disillusion-
under which he lives. As menacing, shadowy figures begin
appearing at his door to pressure him to sign a document which
disavows his work, Nettles feels as though he has lost control of
his life. Here, he confesses his despair to his lover.

LEOPOLD: I feel sorry for you, Lucy-

[LUCY: Why?]
LEOPOLD: You deserve someone better. I'm just worthless-
[LUCY: I don't like you talking about yourself like that-]
LEOPOLD: It's true, Lucy. I can't get rid of the awful feeling tha
lately something has begun to collapse inside me-as if some axi
which was holding me together has broken, the ground collapsin
under my feet, as if I'd gone lame inside-I sometimes have
feeling that I'm acting the part of myself instead of being myself
I'm lacking a fixed point out of which I can grow and develop. I'
erratic-I'm letting myself be tossed about by chance currents-I'
sinking deeper and deeper into a void and I can no longer get a gri
on things. In truth I'm just waiting for this thing that's going
happen and am no longer the self-aware subject of my own life bu
becoming merely its passive object-I have a feeling sometimes tha
all I am doing is listening helplessly to the passing of the time
What happened to my perspective on things? My humour? M
industry and persistence? The pointedness of my observations? M
irony and self-irony? My capacity for enthusiasm, for emotio
involvement, for commitment, even for sacrifice? The oppressiv
atmosphere in which I have been forced to live for so long is bo
to have left its mark! Outwardly I go on acting my role as if nothin
has happened but inside I'm no longer the person you all take m!
for. It's hard to admit it to myself, but if I can all the more reason

ll4
liS
 Kept Men Kept Men
Richard. Lay Richard Lay

.,·
. DAVE: _an'unemployEid advertising executive, 305 PtiL: an unemployed mob hitman, 30-40
ScENE: New York City, present SeE!"£: New York City, present

· Here, Dave tells thil staty of ihe day he and his wife first m-et. Here, Pl_u1 describes the Pleasure he. fmds !"' the'act of killing someone he d~'t know.
0 0 0 0 0 ·O

DAve: Love at first· sight.. We got stuck in an elevator. The lights ·went . PHIL: There is nothing as beautiful as killing somebody you don't .knoi.v. You
·.out..just the ~o oi us. Well, can you imagin~ ... we tried all the emergency know they dqne something wrong and deserve· to be put down but they
buttons. Nothing happened. We were on the 35th floor. For 45 minutes we never tell the hit man what his victim did· to offend. It's important to me that
made small talk and prayed that the elevator wouldn't plummet and kill us.. the person doesn't look me i.n the eye. He might plead for his life ... and if I
Then suddenly she was silent. I said • Are you OK Marcia" because we had ever thought twice about it he might kill me. Don't get me wrong. When I'm
~axchanged names after 10 minutes. There was a pause and she said "No, I not working I'm a nice person. I give to panhandlers and help blind people
'have to pee.• ..'.It could have.been worse and I said something like ... "Go cross the·road. After a whack I like to go to Joey~ Diner and have a plate of
ahead. I. won't l~ok," It was pitch-dark anyway. She was embarrassed about eggs and hash smothered with ketchup. I always leave the gun at tile scene.
doing ii on the fioor and it )Has winter .and I was wearing a...
hat. So I did . It shows .disrespect for the guys in homicide ...cos when they check out the
wh~i any gentlemim would do-let's just say she borrowed my hat. gun it's cine of their own. They don't investigate too hard after that. Paulie
(CINDY: (Lights a.cigarette.) Amatch made in heaven.) . says 1have a. sense of hu.mor. I wouldn't say that but anyone who is the best
.D~ve: 'Anyway, she sent back ihe dry-cleaned hat with a bunch .of sweet- at what they do has a little pride and an ego that needs to be fed by a little
smelling. !O~es and a' note. In the dark I had given her my.address and her· self-induced jocularity.·
lawyer's mind h~d remembered it The note said·''We must do that again·
se~etim~. • Five months later we were married. She's not a bad woman, she
just has. this ~ttitude. She can't hav~ kids, so she takes it out· on me, I don't
mind; I love her..She hurts lnside.and I hurt for her. So as you can see ...we
h~ve a perFect marriage.

•.·

40 41
ANDREW: ~Othing wrong with jokes. A good J«;Jke i~ .~th
'lhout ain "Why is a blow-job like lobster lhennidor? You
-
I
-
I

IT'S RALPH
:ron 't ~ eitber at home." The sexual impoverishment of ten l1y Hugh Whitemore
millio~ marriages is contained within !hat joke. ~ar more A country cottage, England, the present
penetrating than any sociological survey, and certamly more
succinct
Dave, a carpenter, 20 '
When a lragic accident claims the life of Andrew's old friend,
he calls his wife, only to discover that she is in bed with another
man. He turns to Dave for sympathy, and instead is treated to the
following story fltlm Dave's chUdhood.
DAVE: Poor old Ral~h. I'd never seen anyone dead before.
(Pause.) Actually !hat s not true. There was someone. When I
was a kid. My Dad's auntie. She was funny In lhe head. She
lhought she could flap her arms up and down and fly like a bird.
They had her put away. But !hen, when she got older, Dad
thought she should come and live wilh us. We had a house out in
the country, in Essex. Dad lhought she should end her days wilh
the family and not in a loony bin. The house was vezy unusual.
Thll and lhin. And there was trees all 'round it There was a gap
in the trees, and lhrough that gap you could see the Colchester to
London railway line. My old aunt loved to watch lhe trains go by.
They gave her a room on the top floor so she could see the trains
clearly. They kept the window locked, just In case. One day she
managed to prise the window open. She crawled onto the
window sill, flapped her arms up and down, and jumped. Poor
old darling. Mum rushed out and found her. "Don't look," she
said, but of course I did. Wasn't nasty or frightening. lust a funny
bundle of clolhes wilh legs and arms sticking out of it Mum said
It was a blessed release. She often said !hat about people dying.
(Pause.) I suppose some people thought she killed herself
because we kept her locked up and were cruel to her. Perhaps
some people lhought she was tl}'ing to escape and killed herself
accidentally. Some people knew the truth, of course. And perhaps
!here was someone in a train going from Colchester to London.
And perhaps he looked out of lhe window, and perhaps, through
!hat gap in the trees, he saw an old lady in mid-air, flapping her
arms up and down. 1ust for a split-second, as lhe train rushed on,
past our house. And he'd look through lhe window, !hat man, and
he'd be amazed. He'd tell his friends, "I saw an old lady flying,"
he'd say. So, In a way, it actually happened. What she wanted.
Perhaps she died happy. What do you think?
63
62
 was a disappointment, but he certainly is a bloat king."
THE INTERVIEW Oh Christ. And every time I opened my mouth to say
by Amy Hersh "Where is my gracious Lord of Canterbury?" alii could think
was "The Bloat King." You imposter. And now they've found
Colin Bradshaw, an English actor, 40s you out.
London, 4 years ago "Despite a valiant attempt by Colin Bradshaw, his Henry
Seriocomic lumbers about the stage, draped in nondescript medieval rags
apparently designed to hide a good deal of excess weight." •
When a pretty young reporter from the Washington Post inter-
views this well-known Shakespearian actor, he breaks hiS own
The Times.
"Watching Colin Bradshaw's Henry is like watching the
rule and speaks of his divorce.
world through dark gauze: nothing is ever in focus, and every-
0 0 0 thing begins to look the same after a few minutes. An honest
evaluation can't be rendered without mentioning how frankly
COLIN: What a fiasco "Henry" was. _The unhappiest time of my shocking it is to see Bradshaw's pronounced weight gain. Per-
life, between the show, and the d1vorce. haps the actor has reached his peak and is now in sad de-
[INTERVEIWER: I've been instructed not to talk to \ou about cline." The Sunday Times.
"He was cast as Henry V because his name is Colin Brad-
that.] . 11 th shaw. More appropriately, he should have played Falstaff."
COLIN: No, it's all right. It's about time. It was a over . e
tabloids anyway and neither of us said anything publicly. The Manchester Guardian.
Only thi,ng Jane ~nd I ever agreed on. I'm ready to talk about Variety's review was the best. "Bradshaw's Hank Sank."
(He laughs for a moment.)
it. It was devastating. Worse than the divorce. So 1 dropped
[INTERVEIWER: Are you sure?] .
COLIN: [Yeah.] See, when I got into "Henry," my ma~nage was al- out of the play, rented a house in Barbados for four months.
most over and I was still in love. There was nothing to do but And I ran on the beach every day, and stayed on a liquid pro-
stay drunk It was over. So, I tried to stay drunk every possible tein diet. Lost 30 pounds, plus. It was a turning point in my
minute I ~asn't on stage or rehearsing. I never once was career.
drunk during a performance---l'm very proud of t~at. But See, I never drank before that, so I don't consider myself
somehow (He laughs.) I thought nobody wou!d.~?t'ce w~at an alcoholic. It was something available to abuse myself with,
was happening to me. I thought it was all inVISible. I a so but it wasn't anything personal, if you see what I meant. 1
thought the 30 pounds I'd put on was invisible to everyone. could have wrecked my car, or gotten an ulcer. Alcohol was
simpler. It was so funny, when I got back. Someone said to
Madness. . h I" d t you me, "Oh did you do the 12 Steps?" I didn't even know what
[INTERVEIWER: Did you have any fnends w o ta .e o
that was. I thought it was some kind of exercise. So I said. "No
about it or said anything?] d
COLIN· [I d~n't have friends like that. I've got an agent an a I didn't do the 12 Steps, but I did a good deal of swimming."
m~nager. Not the same .]I guess my friends were too scared to Here I am now, 30 pounds thinner. I've gotten all that
tell me. So anyway. Arrogance, really. "Oh, I'm_ such a great self-destructiveness out of my system. And I think I'm a much
actor I'll fool everyone." You see, I'm still learmng about my better actor. I'm very proud of it all.
craft.' The whole point about acting is: You're ~ot_f?,ol~ng any- (Leaning into the mike.) Did I mention that 1 lost 30
one. And every single review had the same line. HIS Henry pounds?

41