3 Biggest Reasons Christian Marriages
Fail
By Don Ibbitson
I have met with hundreds of couples in my tenure in counseling and have, after much
contemplation, review and prayer, narrowed the list to three major reasons why
Christian marriages fail.
Here they are, in order of priority:
1. Selfishness
2. Selfishness
3. Selfishness
It’s a well-known axiom in real estate circles that the three most important
considerations when purchasing a home are location, location, location. The point of
course is that while there are other factors, the area the property is located in is so
important that everything else you could say about it hardly matters. I have seen this
analogy play out in my counseling practice. Selfishness is what leads to so many
problems in the first place and also hinders what God wants to do to bring restoration
because unforgiveness is rooted in selfishness.
Paul in his letters has much to say in terms of practical advice and admonitions for
husbands and wives. Scripture must be interpreted in light of, and in context with, other
scriptures and when you do that it is clear to me that a major key to successful
marriages comes down to honoring and serving one another. This requires an act of the
will (not based upon our feelings) that focuses on choosing to meet our spouse’s needs
even when it is hard.
If you have one (primarily) selfish partner in the union then it can limp along. Two
selfish people almost invariably results in carnage. A couple who professes Christ
should be following biblical principles and if they do, then the marriage can survive,
thrive and prosper! The principles work for everyone; I have seen many couples who do
not profess Christ but their marriages are much healthier than many who do!
What if one is selfish? I have seen it happen repeatedly that when the giver perseveres
in love and genuine Christ-like service (not being abused or a doormat!) then the power
of God moves to heal and restore (1 Cor. 7:14). Those who remain in abusive
relationships are not being unselfish; typically their passivity ends up enabling the
continued bad behavior from their partner. Being a servant does not mean being a
doormat and that person needs help often with setting and maintaining proper personal
boundaries.
How does one begin to change things around in a marriage?
Start by recognizing the role and fruit of your selfishness in the marriage. Purpose, by
the grace and wisdom of God, to begin to move to serve (and submit to) your spouse.
Yes, husbands too are called to submit themselves to their wives (Eph. 5:21) even as
wives are to submit to their husbands. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved
the church (Eph. 5:25). He laid his life down for the church; that is the ultimate act of
submission and service, is it not?
We have seen many people benefit greatly from deliverance ministry, temperament
analysis and marriage counseling. We have seen others who reap very little. I believe
the key begins with the attitude of the heart in this area of setting aside self.
If you are selfish, can you purpose and commit unilaterally to becoming more of a giver
and less of a taker in your marriage? If you are primarily a giver now, you need to ask
for the grace, wisdom, peace and power of God to move in your situation. He is faithful
and all things are possible for those who believe!
Do you agree with these three reasons?
