Anti Bride Etiquette Guide The Rules And How to Bend
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Anti-Bride Etiquette Guide
THE RULES—AND HOW TO BEND THEM
by Carolyn Gerin and Kathleen Hughes
Illustrations by Ithinand Tubkam and Carolyn Gerin
For Laurent—best friend, soul mate, and surf instructor. For my late
mother. For my grandmother, Dorothy, my inspiration and benchmark
for courage and guts. For my father, Barry—the other best guy in my
life. For Kathleen, for your perseverance and eagle eye. To Sean, my
adored nephew. To Beth, Donnie, Iris, Wyndie—my heart. To Dave
and Erin, Don and Jenny, Niall and Jeannie, Rob and Colleen, Iris
and John, Darin and Kim—my tribe. To Mikyla Bruder, the girl who
turned fantasy into reality and Lisa Campbell for making it happen.
To Ithinand Tubkam, my creative soul mate. To Michaela Brockstedt
for your nonstop genius and being in my corner. To Alex Rooney,
Michael Burns, Michael Thompson, Ashley Fothergill, Gina
Catanzaro (fellow gunslinger), Masanori Christianson, Persephone
St. Charles, Pete Gowdy, Lisa Mackey, David Lilienstein, David
Braun, David Macaione, Jill and Ben Hill and Mary Zencirci, dear
friends. To my adored French family, the Gerins—je vous aime! To
everyone who contributed to this book: Crys Stewart and Litsa
Rorris, Wedding Bells magazine; Larissa Thompson, In Style
magazine; Elizabeth Mayhew, Real Simple magazine; Peri Wolfman,
Williams-Sonoma; Syndie Seid, Advanced Etiquette; Lisa Mackey,
Lisa Mackey Design; Lori Leibovitch, Indiebride.com; Wyndie Carter,
Bouffant Brides; Peg Devlin Catering; Bridget Brown, Bella
Bridesmaids; TwoBrides.com; Rain bowWeddingNetwork.com,
PrideBride.com; Lisa Holt; Milliken Creek; Lynne Rutter; Lisa Zayas-
Chien; Rachel Minard; Danielle MacKinnon; Nickie Amatour; Erin
Bell; Michelle Alainiz; Julie Slinger; Stephie Stewart; the Metreon
brand goddesses: Eva Miranda, Archie Elwell, Stacey Piket, Heather
Hawkins, Rachel Campos, and Judith Klein. To Anti-Brides
everywhere who have the guts to challenge the Wedding Industrial
Complex.
—Carolyn Gerin
Thanks to Nick, my fiancé, who after 7 years, is making an honest
woman out of me. I now have the perfect wedding planner to guide
me. For Sean, our 5-month old son, who is a complete joy every day
of the week. To my family, for always being a huge support network.
For Jules, Liz, Dori, Tina, Deena, Katy, and Lizzette—thanks for
being my constant sounding board and for being such great friends.
And finally, thanks to all of the wedding consultants, caterers,
musicians, and, most importantly, brides, who readily gave up their
time to talk to us about their experiences.
—Kathleen Hughes
Introduction
Romance! Drama! The wind in your hair, the crash of the ocean, and
the ring on your finger! Everything you’ve ever dreamed of is
happening to you—a dress by Vera Wang, catering by Jamie Oliver
(who secretly lusts after you), and decorations by Colin Cowie. Your
bridesmaids are sleek and chic, smiling in their designer dresses
(which are already earmarked for New Year’s Eve duty). In your
figure-worshiping, custom-designed gown, you’ve never looked more
ravishing. In his Savile Row tux, he’s never looked so tall, so
handsome. You gaze out at the crowd of your adoring fans: crushed
ex-boyfriends, a loving family who get along famously, murderously
wealthy in-laws who adore you, and successful and talented friends
who are always there for you, no questions asked. You are at the
peak of your beauty and this is one of life’s most bountiful
experiences.
The phone rings. It’s your mom, and your father’s just told her that
you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle—you’d rather walk
yourself. He’s stoic, and she’s tearful. It’s time for you to snap out of
your bridal reverie and back to reality.
The road to your perfect wedding is paved with good intentions.
Sometimes that road seems long and winding, and some of the
stops you make along the way may leave you feeling awkward and
insecure. Did you say the right thing? Did you handle that interaction
properly? Why do parents, friends, and even vendors seem to be so
sensitive these days? At the root of your uncertainty, you’ll often find
questions about etiquette. Your wedding, like many hallowed social
traditions, comes complete with expectations, rules of conduct,
procedures, and prescriptions for behavior. But you’re an Anti-Bride,
you say, and you don’t want that kind of wedding. Well, brava! This is
the etiquette book for you.
Your wedding can be the romantic, memorable, and utterly unique
event you desire. But first you have to plan it, and planning it will
likely get you into more than a few sticky situations. Whether you’re
choosing your bridesmaids, editing your guest list to fit your smaller-
than-expected venue, or taking money from your parents while
cringing at their demand that you hire Uncle Bob’s polka band, you
can’t avoid all expectations, traditions, and rules of etiquette. Being
an Anti-Bride is about having your wedding your way, without getting
bogged down by rules and regulations. But it’s also about not
offending your loved ones or handling situations in any way that’s
less than forthright and sensitive. This book will help you identify the
rules, understand where other people are coming from, ultimately
make the rules work for you, and invent a few rules of your own
along the way.
Each chapter, from Chapter 1, The Buck Stops Here, to Chapter 10,
The Receiving End—Gifts, starts you off with the Golden Rules,
giving you the lowdown on tradition. From there, you’ll get guidance
on twisting tradition without trauma. Real-life Sticky Situations and
stellar solutions help you work out the practical kinks, and useful
Stress Savers and Hip Tips keep you sane and stylish. Whether
you’re worried about navigating the murky waters of announcing
your engagement, paring down the guest list, wording your invitation,
or selecting friends for your wedding party, the Anti-Bride Etiquette
Guide will give you the confidence and savvy you need to get it all
done with nary a feather ruffled.
At the end of your special day, you’ll be filled with the joy of knowing
that your wedding brought together the people you love to share in
the most amazing event of your life. This book will help you pull it off
with style and grace, so that you can have the wedding of your
dreams! Read on!
Contents
Dedication
Introduction
Chapter 1 THE BUCK STOPS HERE
Chapter 2 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Chapter 3 THE GUEST LIST
Chapter 4 INVITATIONS & STATIONERY
Chapter 5 THE WEDDING PARTY
Chapter 6 ATTIRE
Chapter 7 PRE-WEDDING CELEBRATIONS & SHOWERS
Chapter 8 PLANNING & EXECUTION— The Ceremony
Chapter 9 PLANNING & EXECUTION— The Reception
Chapter 10 THE RECEIVING END—Gifts
Index
About the Author
Copyright
Chapter 1
THE BUCK STOPS HERE
We’ve heard of couples who threw a $50,005 party and then went
back to their one-bedroom rental where they wallowed in debt. Or
couples who, after asking the question “Who pays?”, had to deal with
so much family friction that they took off to Vegas. We say that this is
no way to begin a life of wedded bliss. Understanding money, the
expectations and behaviors attached to it, and the traditional “who
pays” scenarios can help you create your own ways-and-means
committee that considers your lifestyle, people, and budget.
In this chapter, you’ll learn both the traditions and the uncommon
twists. You’ll get advice on maximizing your outcome, as well as how
to build and manage a master budget without burning bridges in the
process. In order for your wedding to be stellar, you need to get real.
Let’s begin with a little history lesson, because, as the saying goes,
those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it!
The Golden Rules
Back in the day, it was assumed that the bride’s family paid for the
primary wedding expenses while the groom’s side would handle
smaller-ticket items like the rehearsal dinner, marriage license, and
honeymoon. These days, it’s much more common for the couple and
their respective families to share expenses. Still, the old rules do
linger and, while the landscape has changed, it’s a good idea to
know the traditional breakdown of wedding expenses (and who’s
responsible for them) so you won’t be caught off guard if one of your
bridesmaids expects you to foot her airfare bill.
Who Pays: THE TRADITION
Bride’s Family
• Invitations, announcements, and other wedding stationery
• Wedding consultant
• Location rental for both ceremony and reception
• Food and drink
• Musicians
• Flower arrangements (not including bouquets for bride and
bridesmaids, corsages for mothers, and boutonnieres for
groomsmen)
• Wedding photography (including their own photo album)
• Groom’s ring
• Gifts for attendants, parents, and groom
• Bridesmaid’s luncheon
• Attire for bride and parents
Groom’s Family
• Bride’s ring (usually purchased and paid for by the groom himself)
• Marriage license and other legal documents
• Gifts for attendants, parents, and bride
• Officiant’s fee
• Bridal bouquet, boutonnieres for best man and groomsmen
• Attire for parents and groom
• Travel to the wedding city and lodging for groom’s wedding party
and close family
• Rehearsal dinner
• Honeymoon
• Groom’s family’s photo album
• Travel to the wedding city and lodging for bride’s wedding party and
close family
Attendants
• Personal attire
• Shower and bachelor/bachelorette party gifts
A sharp reader will notice that tradition calls for the bride’s family to
shell out significantly more money than the groom’s side. Why the
disparity? The traditional custom was that the bride’s family would
provide a large dowry to the groom and his family, who would in turn
take the girl (read: liability) off her father’s hands. From the bride’s
family’s perspective, the better the dowry, the better the chance of
getting a well-bred, financially stable son-in-law. So isn’t it about time
we put this nonsense behind us? We kicked this sexist and archaic
tradition to the curb.
The New Rules of the Road
Hey, we’re not here to judge! If your family really wants to pay for the
whole wedding, and they are doing it out of love, then break out the
bubbly and toast their generosity. But keep in mind that there’s no
such thing as a free lunch. What may seem like a no-strings-
attached gift may in fact come with hidden emotional price tags.
Those who don’t want to be tied down to tradition, or whose parents
simply won’t or can’t finance a wedding, take heart. There’s a new
order.
Today, it’s commonplace for both families to share in the cost of the
wedding festivities, in part because weddings have become so
expensive. All this familial love and sharing can make money issues
more difficult to sort out, though, mainly because the customary
“don’t ask, don’t tell” approach is replaced by earnest communication
(resulting in way more information than people are used to
absorbing, especially when it comes to weddings). Who pays these
days depends more on who has the ability to pay than on your
designated side of the altar. Speaking the truth (with a cherry on top)
is the key to success here.
Hip Tip: One savvy bride negotiated deep discounts by renting a
ski lodge at Lake Tahoe during the off-season. Cash-strapped
guests enjoyed a mini-vacation, complete with scenery, hiking,
and clear mountain air, at close to Motel 6 prices!
Time Capsule. Whether the bride was a Rockefeller or born to a
family of modest means, in times past etiquette dictated that the
wedding would be in the style chosen by the bride’s family. If the
groom’s side did offer to contribute money, they had to tread
carefully. Any impression that the contribution was offered in order to
alter the bride’s family’s wedding vision was considered poor
manners.
Who Pays: FORGING YOUR OWN PATH
Anti-Brides are all about doing what feels right, which sometimes
means bending traditional rules. Here are some strategies for
handling the “who pays” dilemma and twisting the tradition without
the stress.
THE TWIST
Divide the total bill down the middle—half to the bride’s side, and half
to the groom’s side.
TWISTING WITHOUT TRAUMA
This twist assumes that each side of the family is equally eager to
help foot the bill. In this fairly rare case, be sure to develop an
accurate budget early on and clearly communicate and agree upon
the contributions, and any expectations, before you begin spending.
THE TWIST
Each side of the family pays for their own guests.
TWISTING WITHOUT TRAUMA
This can be a good solution when either family is expecting to invite
a lot of people. Chances are that they’ll keep their guest list
