Learned Hopefulness The Power of Positivity to Overcome
Depression
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Grant Study of Adult Development, and author of Triumphs
of Experience
“Dan Tomasulo is one of the most gifted writers, teachers,
practitioners, and innovators in the field of positive psychology
today. His new book on learned hopefulness is a thorough and well-
researched guide to becoming more proactive, engaged, and
purposeful in your life, regardless of where you start or where you
hope to go. Part of Dan’s noteworthy skill is that he seamlessly
blends stories from his therapy world into cutting-edge research on
flourishing, and then he offers analogies and unique exercises that
make the reader take action. Putting down any one of Dan’s books is
hard because of their pull on your intellect and heart; this one is no
different. Bravo!”
—Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP, international bestselling
author of Getting Grit, Creating Your Best Life, and My
Name is Caroline
“Chock-full of evidence-based exercises designed to alleviate
depression and boost well-being, Learned Hopefulness is like having
your own therapist. Read it with paper and pencil in hand.”
—Margaret H. Greenberg, MAPP, PCC, executive coach,
and coauthor of Profit from the Positive
“Hope is one of our greatest superpowers; it can be discovered,
rediscovered, uncovered, and built up—at the best of times and
worst of times. Dan Tomasulo is a hope teacher. He embodies it and
radiates it in his life. In this book, he shares it all. Whether you are
high or low in the strength of hope, your well-being will soar by
reading and practicing what awaits you in this important book.”
—Ryan M. Niemiec, PsyD, psychologist; education director of
the renowned VIA Institute on Character; and author or
coauthor of eleven books, including The Power of Character
Strengths
“A warm and uplifting book about what is arguably our most
important human capacity—hope. Drawing on his decades-long
experience as a psychotherapist, as well as psychologist research,
Tomasulo shows how each person can build more hope in their lives.
In elegant prose, he makes a convincing case for how hope, in all its
multifarious forms, helps people overcome depression and lead
flourishing lives.”
—Emily Esfahani Smith, author of The Power of Meaning
“‘Happily ever after’ may work in fairy tales. But in real life,
Learned Hopefulness is the way to go for building healthy
relationships!”
—Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, and James O. Pawelski,
Phd, coauthors of Happy Together
“Finding hope, even in the darkest times, is the most important part
of recovering from trauma.
Thank you, Dan, for the invaluable road map in Learned
Hopefulness. With groundbreaking new research, simple—but hardly
simplistic—analogies, and illustrations, we feel again what is
possible.”
—Kim Scharnberg, internationally renowned music arranger,
composer, and producer of From Broadway With Love
“Tomasulo is a pioneer in applying positive psychology for deep
transformation. His innovative methods taught to graduate students
in our Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Teachers College,
Columbia University, come alive in Learned Hopefulness. Using the
very latest research findings to inform effective tools, this book is an
open treasure chest for building personal fulfillment.”
—Lisa Miller, PhD, professor and founder of the Spirituality
Mind Body Institute, Teachers College, Columbia University;
and New York Times bestselling author of The Spiritual Child
“You won’t find a kinder, more thoughtful counseling psychologist
than Dan Tomasulo. This book is the next best thing to a therapy
session with him: it’s grounded in science, filled with heartwarming
stories, and brimming with hope.”
—Adam Grant, New York Times bestselling author of Give and
Take and Originals; and host of the chart-topping TED
podcast, WorkLife
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject
matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering
psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is
needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2020 by Dan Tomasulo
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi
Edited by Teja Watson
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Tomasulo, Daniel J., author.
Title: Learned hopefulness / [by Dan Tomasulo]
Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2020. |
Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019058715 (print) | LCCN 2019058716 (ebook) | ISBN
9781684034680 (paperback) | ISBN 9781684034697 (pdf) | ISBN
9781684034703 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Positive psychology.
Classification: LCC BF204.6 .T66 2020 (print) | LCC BF204.6 (ebook) | DDC
150.19/88--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019058715
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019058716
“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in
the soul and sings the tune without the words and
never stops at all.”
—Emily Dickinson
“A new baby is like the beginning of all things—
wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”
—Eda LeShan
This book is dedicated to my grandson, Callahan Thomas Fetrow.
CONTENTS
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter 1: Positive Psychology as a Science of Hopefulness
Chapter 2: Seeing Possibilities
Chapter 3: Noticing Beauty, Benefits, and Blessings
Chapter 4: Cultivating Positive Feelings
Chapter 5: Focusing on Strengths
Chapter 6: Creating Challenging Goals
Chapter 7: Finding Purpose
Chapter 8: Cherishing Relationships
Chapter 9: Living the Life You Imagine
Acknowledgments
FOREWORD
In the late 1950s, the psychologist Ellis Paul Torrance brought an
experiment to two elementary schools in Minneapolis to find the secret
sauce of creative fulfillment. Nestled between a very large number of tests,
he asked children a seemingly innocuous question: What are you in love
with? He then followed up with the children during the next twenty years to
see which of his tests could predict adult creativity.
Torrance was astonished that the extent to which children had a future
image of themselves that they were in love with was a better predictor for
creative fulfillment in adulthood than any of his tests for scholastic promise
and school achievement. He wrote:
“Life’s most energizing and exciting moments occur in those split
seconds when our struggling and searching are suddenly
transformed into the dazzling aura of the profoundly new, an
image of the future…. One of the most powerful wellsprings of
creative energy, outstanding accomplishment, and self-fulfillment
seems to be falling in love with something— your dream, your
image of the future.”1
Positive images of the future carry us forward to our destiny, despite the
inevitable twists and turns of life. We each have a destiny, a best possible
future. Yet we are constantly getting in our own way, losing sight of that
future. In the process, we lose hope.
The humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow argued that there are two
very different realms of human existence. In the Deficiency Realm, we are
motivated by what we lack. We try to force the world to conform, as if we are
screaming “Love me!” “Accept me!” “Respect me!” Entering the Being
Realm is like replacing a clouded lens with a clear lens. Suddenly we see the
world and people for what they actually are—not as a means to our own end
—but as an end in themselves. We admire the sacredness of each person and
recognize they are on their own journey of self-actualization. We also open to
opportunities for growth. When we are no longer primarily motivated by
deficiency, we can explore the full richness of life—the joyful just as much
as the forlorn—with curiosity and acceptance. Defenses down, we finally see
the world’s beauty clearly, as well as the beautiful possibilities in our lives.2
In recent years, psychologists have begun to chart the psychology
behind imagination, hope, and possibility. What is becoming clear is that we
don’t need to be slaves to our past; we can navigate the future. There is a
toolbox for hope, habits you can learn that will help you point a compass to
your positive destiny. While much has been written about the toolbox of
positive psychology, there has never existed a unifying theory of hope. Until
now.
Dan Tomasulo has put together a gem of a resource, a once-in-a-lifetime
reading experience. You will learn how to make a profound shift in
perspective and set yourself free from the shackles of your mind. I can think
of no better guide; Tomasulo is one of the most thoughtful, compassionate
humans I know—not to mention an extraordinarily sensitive and insightful
clinical positive psychologist.
This book is not Pollyannaish but wise. Tomasulo doesn’t tell you to
ignore the reality of your suffering; he teaches you how restore balance by
increasing awareness and reframing what your future could be. This book
will help you harness the gift of your imagination to get in touch—more
deeply than you probably have ever been before—with your greatest
strengths and highest possibilities in life.
In the framing of Maslow, this book will help you transcend the
Deficiency Realm, and in the words of Tomasulo, tune into the “hope
channel.” You may have gone your entire life, up to this point, with a grainy
picture of your future. While a clearer picture won’t magically sweep all
negative possibilities out of your life, you will learn to put them in
perspective. By refocusing on the positive potential that already lies within,
you will restore a greater sense of hope than you ever thought was possible.
Scott Barry Kaufman
November 28, 2019
INTRODUCTION
“Hope is not a form of guarantee; it’s a form of
energy, and very frequently that energy is
strongest in circumstances that are very dark.”
—John Berger
When my marriage capsized after thirty years of being together, I had to
learn to be hopeful. Since you’ve picked up this book, perhaps something
has arrived in your life without warning. Like a boat hitting an unseen
iceberg, your ship sank, and you’re fighting for your life. When these things
happen, we may feel uncertain about how to move forward in our lives. I
am not typically a depressed person. I am usually upbeat, have good energy,
and take setbacks in stride. So as my wife and I separated and divorced, I
was thrown for a loop by my somber mood, low energy, and the loss of my
enthusiasm. Work was the hardest part. There’s nothing worse than a
depressed psychologist. I continued my clinical work, but it was difficult to
listen to people talking about their depression when I could barely manage
my own. You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me.…
Then I was introduced to positive psychology. My best friend was
becoming a positive psychologist, and he encouraged me to try the
techniques—for example, reviewing the previous day each morning through
the lens of gratitude, or doing something kind for someone else. At first, this
seemed like using a pea shooter to bring down a battleship. How could these
small shifts manage the immense pain inside of me? But nothing else was
helping. I needed help developing an appreciation for my life and my future
again. Although it had never been a problem before, it now seemed
impossible.
Everything I’d worked for, hoped for, and believed in seemed ruined.
My vision of the future had become to simply survive it. Having gratitude
and being kind to others was not my idea of getting better. It seemed too
simple, too easy, not powerful enough to lift my low mood. I was dealing
with financial, social, and emotional whiplash. How could reviewing my
miserable day through the lens of gratitude change that?
My friend was persistent, though, and dragged me to the first
International Positive Psychology Association conference, where I first
learned of the profound and powerful research being done. If what they were
proposing was even marginally true, psychology was on the brink of a new
dawn. I learned that positive psychology is the study of strengths that
empower people and communities to thrive, based on the belief that people
want to live fulfilling and meaningful lives, and focused on how we can
cultivate what is best within ourselves. The research is aimed at ways to feel
more happy more often, by improving our experiences of love, work, and
play. This mindset offered my first taste of genuine hope.
In its simplest form, the research awakened me to the possibility that it
was feasible to change how I felt—to actually transform my feelings. Even
with all my training, clinical work, and supervision, this was the first time I
believed that dreary feelings could actually be altered, not just tolerated. This
led me to embrace the findings of positive psychology, and the practices that
taught me to hope again.
From Surviving to Thriving
The field of clinical psychology has traditionally focused on identifying the
problems causing emotional pain and mental illness, and then working to
alleviate symptoms. Do our methods—talk therapy of various kinds,
sometimes medication—work? Yes. Do they work well, or in a way that
lasts? In too many cases, no.3 The fact is, 80 percent of people who recover
from depression relapse.4 If are reading this book, you may be one of them.
You may have found something that helped—therapy, medicine, diet
changes, exercise, better sleep, more sunlight—but it may have worked only
somewhat, or for some time. The effort succeeded, but it wasn’t sustained.
Why? Because traditional psychology and medicine were designed to do only
half the job: they get us out of the hole, but they don’t really keep us out. The
cycle continues.
What about the 20 percent who recover and don’t relapse? In a series of
studies aimed at improving symptoms of depression, researchers found that
simple methods focused on cultivating the best in themselves not only
prevented participants from relapsing—they maintained sustainable levels of
well-being for more than a year.5 Not only did they learn how to steer clear
of depression, but they also often learned to thrive.6
They learned hopefulness. As we’ll see in these pages, hopefulness—or
hope, as I’ll also call it—is not so much a state of mind as it is a habit of
mind, of heart. And habits can be changed. Hopefulness skills won’t replace
whatever treatments you’ve been using to control your depression. If you are
taking medication, continue. If you have a physical routine that has been
helpful, keep doing it. If you’ve developed healthy habits like exercise, good
sleep, a nutritious diet—keep those up! They support your mental health as
much as your physical health. If there are still changes you could make in
these areas, what you learn in this book will help you lean into those changes.
Habits of heart, mind, and body affect our mood either positively or
negatively. In this book, I will be emphasizing learned hopefulness as a
collection of heart and mind habits designed to improve well-being. By
focusing on the science of positive psychology, which highlights emotional
well-being, we can maximize the impact that healthy strategies have on our
lives. And you’ll receive new tools to add to what you are already doing in
your life.
Positive psychology practices will not only add to your toolbox to help
you combat low moods, negative thoughts, and grief—but also shape and
influence your positive attributes. Savoring, mindfulness, faith, hope, well-
being, and optimism are just some of what you’ll learn to cultivate. When
you learn tools that both alleviate suffering and allow you to thrive, you learn
how to get out of a bad place, stay out, and live a happier life.
The simple truth is this: not being depressed isn’t the same as being
happy. Whether you’ve struggled with milder or more severe forms of
depression, you will learn ways to increase hope and be happier. The tools of
traditional psychology focus on relieving distress. The tools of positive
psychology promote well-being. The combination of the two leads to real and
sustained change. These skills have the power to change how you experience
the world.
Your Journey Through This Book
Not seeing the obstacles we put in our way, including our own decisions
and thought cycles, is what keeps us stuck. Ruminating thoughts siphon our
energy and block our positivity. The downward spiral of negative thinking
is like a runaway train—leading us to perceive our situation as fixed and
unchangeable. If you’ve ever felt too depleted to even try to get out of your
depression—you are not alone.
We are drawn to the familiar, and if what’s familiar is negative thinking,
we’ll have difficulty taking in the positive. It’s a cycle, and this book will
teach you how to break the cycle and get it spinning in the opposite direction
—starting today. Some of the tools you’ll learn in this book will help you
untangle from the past, others will help you engage in the present, and more
than a few will help you create your future. Some of the best practices can do
all of this at once.
The book is organized the way I’ve learned to teach these principles.
The first chapter will give you a working knowledge of positive psychology
principles and the research behind their effectiveness in short-circuiting
depressive spirals. It will also introduce you to some exercises, so you can
begin to experience how effective these tools can be. Each of the next seven
chapters teaches a choice you can make to learn hopefulness, and the tools to
help develop these new habits. As they become habits, the tools get easier to
access and use.
Decision Point Tools for:
Seeing possibilities Challenging beliefs about our limitations
Adjusting perception Transforming negative beliefs into hopeful ones
Shaping feelings Cultivating positive emotions
Exploring strengths Discovering your best character qualities, to
improve your life
Creating micro-goals Setting goals calibrated to motivate you
Finding purpose Developing life priorities and determining what
matters
Cherishing Connecting to others and learning how to give
relationships and receive
Each of the seven chapters will introduce the main ideas we’ll be
working through, talk about the research, and teach you skills, tools, and
practices through exploration exercises. All of this will build your
hopefulness, resilience, and well-being. I will also use case studies as
examples. All names and details have been masked, according to the
American Psychological Association’s guide for using case studies.
To keep track of your progress, I encourage you to keep a notebook—a
journal that is either handwritten or digital. I’d like you to feel what happens
when we do these explorations, so you can assess their effects. It will be most
effective if you can do the exercises when you are prompted to. I know it’s
tempting to keep reading and do these tasks later, but doing them as we go
will give you a real sense of what it’s like to shift your perspective and alter
the way your brain processes information. This will support the journey
mapped out in this book and remind you of what has worked and how. Let’s
begin—hope is waiting.
CHAPTER 1:
Positive Psychology as a Science of
Hopefulness
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about
creating yourself.”
—George Bernard Shaw
I often travel through Penn Station in New York City, and over the years
I’ve seen many homeless people begging and talented musicians playing for
spare change from commuters. On a particular afternoon, an exceptional
violinist was playing an unfamiliar concerto that drew a significant crowd.
As it did, one homeless man seized the opportunity and began begging the
group for change. He would thrust his change-filled coffee cup in front of
each person, shake it, and utter how he needed “just a quarter.” Most of us
were annoyed by his intrusive behavior—myself included.
Finally, someone simply shook his head no and pointed in the direction
of the violinist. As if woken from a trance, the homeless man began to listen,
swaying ever so slightly. He seemed magnetically drawn to the music, and
his halting footsteps eventually brought him directly in front of the violinist.
The homeless man bent over and poured the contents of his change-filled
coffee cup into the open violin case. He then flashed a thumbs-up to the
violinist, who responded with a deep nod of appreciation. Nearly every
person who witnessed the event—myself included—reached into their wallet
to take out money for both men.
To me, this transformational scene in Penn Station seemed to be an
allegory. You can think of the homeless man as our negative and annoying
thoughts, distracting us from appreciating something good. But when invited
to notice the beauty, benefit, and blessing of the beautiful music, by giving
