Figuring It Out!

Kanupriya Purohit
Figuring It Out! © 2023 Kanupriya Purohit
All rights reserved.

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Kanupriya Purohit asserts the moral right to

be identified as author of this work.

Presentation by BookLeaf Publishing

Web: www.bookleafpub.com
E-mail: [email protected]

ISBN: 9789358314922
First edition 2023
DEDICATION
To my fierce supporter, my mother.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
To all my family members and relatives who
have always showered me with their relentless
support, given me sage advice and told me to
follow my heart.
To all my friends who despite the physical
distance and the lapses in communication on my
part made time for me and have been a constant
presence in my life. The value of their patience
and support has been immeasurable (looking at
you Anushka, Rupanshi, Sanchi and Shreya).
 Embark

Complacent at the start,

Terrified of the journey,
Feeling numb and fearful in the same breath,
When will you realise you have a chance,
You know you have to work for it,
not just wish for it.
Get started, time has long left you stranded.
Try to begin, one minute at a time,
See your doubts fade away like smoke in the
sky,
like a flash message.
Try to begin and witness,
How that trial gets you out of your own rut.

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 Hopelessness

She knew the moment it occurred,

She had seen countless moments of heartbreak
on screen,
But it hits different when it happens to you.
Unexpected. Different. Insurmountable.
The numerous ways it crept on her.
The work that made her feel as insignificant as a
grain of sand in the vast desert,
The way he made her feel as hollow as the
promises,
The loss that made her feel as empty as a
depleted well.
You know what it does to you,
When your fingers don't move,
When the body does not feel like your own,
Her tears flew as freely as rain.
But she held herself.
Hopelessness may try to consume her whole,
She knew she had to fight for her soul.

2
 Power

If I had control over you,

You would stop that alarm when I tell you to,
You would wake up at the same time as I do,
You would watch the golden sunrise,
Smell and savour that lilac haze in the air,
Call for me like you long for that morning
caffeine.
You would think you got a guiding light, but
instead you will get a tumultuous tide,
Like a puppet master, all your fate would be in
my hands.
Clinging to control is my only move,
In my grasp, your past, present and future would
collide,
A victim of my bottomless, twisted power, you
will be forever mine.

3
 Hope

It is intimidating and comforting at the same

time,
How can it be trusted when all is lost?
You lay there, watching twilight turn to dawn,
As each memory becomes history,
As present melts into the past, and
Impermanence of all things stares right at you,
Thinking, is it comforting or a lost cause?
How can it be trustworthy when it got you here
in the first place,
Having faith is challenging sometimes.
Should you be positive or realistic?
But what can you do,
As in and out, the breaths go by,
That urge you to hold on.

Well then use it as a guide and do hold on.

4
 Seduction

When you begin to feel you are falling like

lifeless autumn leaves,
Grief seduces you with arms wide open,
Strips you bare of your desires, ambitions and
dreams.
No quiver of hope left, the nothingness engulfs
you,
The whispers of melancholic, painful songs,
Makes solitude seem desirable.
The notion of remaining inert in your bed seems
productive,
As grief disguises itself as an enchanting
storyteller of unfinished stories, unfulfilled
dreams, unmet desires and moments you will
never have.
Ironic how you never want to get out,
As it is the first time you stopped, to take stock.
You love to feel numb,
As the tryst with grief is dangerous yet eerily
comforting.
Its eerily soothing unease makes you succumb to
its unsettling, futile peace.

5
 Conundrums

Endless questions, unending misery,

Perpetual fear, boundless frustration,
Never go away when things don't work your
way.
Why is it hard for me? Why does it happen to
me?
How come they did it before me? How were
they able to do it so easily?
When did failure become my identity? When did
I become invisible?
Why is my road so lonely? Why is my mountain
higher?
Why is my journey so rough? Why do I get
something only after I struggle?
Questions become your foes, excuses and bane.
They become a cloud, not a shed.
They create doubt, bitterness and never provide
shelter.
Can I find a chance within these questions?
Can I ask better questions?
But how will I make life my partner, when I
have ordained it as an enemy?
When unfairness chases like a wave its shore,
Blessings seems non-existence,
What can be the way to walk towards light?

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 Stuck

It is a sting that cannot be undone,

For it was someone he knew.
How can time move forward when it is frozen,
motionless?
Sure, life moved on, but his time did not.
Burying the memories make it rear its ugly head
faster,
Like the shadows that remain unhidden.
His thoughts are too dark, his heart is too heavy,
At least he knows he is stuck against his will.
For him, time is not a river, but a prison built,
The heinous acts against him still have a hold on
him.
Feeling alone, support from his loved ones still
didn't help him move on.
He knew he was a survivor.
He will learn to breathe on his own.
Take one step at a time, one foot in front of the
other,
And try to take life head-on.

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 Red

I saw it.
When time slipped like sand,
Torrid reality came crashing down,
Betrayal struck like lightning,
Words fell on deaf ears,
Weight of secrecy made the soul implode.

I dreaded it.
When I saw the red lights flash across the road,
When the anguish led to hateful stares,
The light outside turned red, and I awaited the
result,
The sign flashed bright to warn of the impending
doom.

I was mesmerised by it.

By seeing their strength in the storm,
By witnessing the might of their will,
When the warmth of the embrace removed all
the grey,
When the affection filtered through all the blues
and made living worth it.

I am not paralysed by it anymore.

8
 Circus

I know how you look at me and consume me,

A dinner table conversation,
I don't hate it, but I don't want it to become my
identity.
Had started on the journey because I loved the
craft,
Not realising fame would bring an invisible
noose around my neck.
I wish I had accurately estimated my fate,
That my life will become an open secret and
leave me clearly confused.
The cigarette burns brighter at the end when I
inhale, killing myself one breath at a time.
But I still want to shimmer like the lakes in the
sun,
I will not live a hollowed existence anymore,
For I will remain true to myself and use my light
to shine, and not be undermined.

9
 Look Back

Yes, I finally got the courage.

I pulled the curtain back, slightly at first.
I did not recognise the room.
But I had done the work and knew myself a little
more.
So, I pulled it back and stripped my memory
bare of the weight,
Did not recognise all those feelings that clouded
my judgement before.
Was I an innocent fool, my cluelessness
rendering me blind?
My anxiety painted believable smokes and
mirrors,
The devastating loss of reality led me to see all
that as real.
But learning to let go as life's too short,
Is the saving grace.
With believe, trust and kindness you show
yourself,
All the worries won't have a lasting trace.

10
 Hide

It is as wicked as sin,
Its treacherousness is what excites, binds,
mesmerises you.
Isn't it fun?
As twisted as a sailor's knot, hard to break free.
But why shouldn't you indulge?
It is fun, plain and simple.
It was as sudden as summer rain,
but still as pleasant.
In the low incandescent light,
you love your shadows.
As your soul shines while being as selfish as a
ghost refusing to share haunting grounds.

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 Oblivion

It is as natural as the dancing waves along the

shoreline,
As inevitable as gravity,
Then the needless need to be remembered and
thought of,
is like a square-wheeled bicycle.
How freeing it must be, to no longer matter
anymore.
No hauntings of the past, no future to prepare
for,
just pure, simple nothingness, like timeless
wisdom.
No longings, no strings tying, no rush, no
burdens, no dreams, nothing to pursue, no
yearnings.
In the tranquil oblivion, we will find eternal
sleep, where boundlessness is waiting for us.

12
 Insecurity

How does it feel,

being hostage to your own damn mind?
Skin crawling out, making its presence known,
If the voices had a face, it would be as
convoluted as a dangerous roller coaster.
A nightmare that refuses to release its grip, the
abundance turns into scarcity.
All enemies accost you at once, even the 'loved'
ones.
Confidence slips, comparison reigns, the weight
of failure grips the heart.
Oh, how lonely and pathetic!
But that is the truth that is seen as clear as day.
The prison of inadequacy is hard to break, the
jailors being your trusted shadows.
Amidst the blaring clamour, refuge to be sought
in own authenticity,
Step by step, the curse, broken only by self-love.

13
 Debt

Life can feel like a movie, where your hero has

to do all the work,
a puzzle and a dream,
a journey with scenic routes and dangerous
curves,
a stage play which the naked truth to be bared, to
leave the audience enchanted.
It ends up being a ledge too.
Why shouldn't life’s ledge be clear?
The debt needs to be paid.
Not in gold or treasure. But with time and
attention and in memories gifted.
Despite belief, the voyage cannot be alone.
The limitless capabilities are no match for the
unseen blessings, unknown help and
serendipitous moments.
You do owe your mentors, guiding stars and
inspirations.
For they have orchestrated, albeit quietly and
selflessly, the mosaic of your life.

14
 Connected

Connected through ties unknown, if you are one

of the fortunate ones,
the bond will last when all is done.
From the first day, through tears, laughter,
uncertainty and hope, the shared history is what
maintains our closeness.
True, there is no choice. The absence of a
catalogue and menu, makes our intentions
clearer and work harder towards the relationship.
The bond with the siblings is both fierce and
kind.
With every new page, the story grows, fades,
takes turns, changes inexplicably and hopefully
evolves.

15
 Security

A parent's love is as protective as an armoured

suit,
Fortunate are the ones who experience it.
It begins the moment they lay eyes on you,
As endless as the stars, as priceless as life itself.
A love so kind that serves as limitless potential
and inspiration,
A love so rare that can transform your dreams
and is worth cherishing,
A love so patient, as selfless as devotion, that
gives you wings to fly,
A love so secure that in its stability and
reliability you experience true comfort.
You can steadfastly swim in its boundless ocean,
And through all the life's storms, this treasured
love gets you through it all.

16
 Warmth

I don't register the seasons anymore,

They don't matter anymore as they have become
as useless as a blank book,
All my days are filled with golden haze,
I feel as light as a whisper,
All my missteps turned into exciting milestones,
Because you bared your soul,
And showed me love as precious as priceless
diamond,
It takes away all the blue.
This care, like daylight, sparkles every path,
spreads its warmth in every corner,
And fills my soul with grace, truth and joy.

17
 Courage

When the world is your battlefield,

You have scars weighing as heavy as regret,
Your broken spirit is as invisible as air,
But so much unaccomplished,
Why waste the time?
You know you are more than that .....moment
Then grind like the rising son,
Have grit like the roaring lion,
Finish before deadline,
Learn before sunrise,
Your will to conquer your limitations,
Makes all the difference between winning and
losing,
Before quitting, think of the reason you started.

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