Aging Our Way Lessons for Living from 85 and Beyond
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Loe, Meika, 1973-
Aging our way : lessons for living from 85 and beyond / Meika Loe.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-19-979790-5 (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Aging—Social aspects.
2. Older people—Psychology. 3. Older people—Health and hygiene. 4.
Quality of life.
5. Well-being. I. Title.
HQ1061.L59 2011
646.70084′6—dc22 2011008731
135798642
Printed in the United States of America
on acid-free paper
To Levi, who comes from a long line of phenomenal women
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Prologue: 30–60–90: On Age and Perspective
Introduction: Living at Home and Making it Work
Lesson 1: Continue to Do What You Did
Lesson 2: (Re) Design Your Living Space
Lesson 3: Live in Moderation
Lesson 4: Take Time for Self
Lesson 5: Ask for Help; Mobilize Resources
Lesson 6: Connect with Peers
Lesson 7: Resort to Tomfoolery
Lesson 8: Care for Others
Lesson 9: Reach out to Family
Lesson 10: Get Intergenerational; Redefine Family
Lesson 11: Insist on Hugs
Lesson 12: Be Adaptable
Lesson 13: Accept and Prepare for Death
Conclusion: New Perspectives on the Oldest Old
Postscript: On Doing Ninety (by Ann)
Epilogue: Updates on Study Participants
Appendix: Best Practices in Supporting Aging in Place
Notes
Index
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I want to thank the thirty inspirational elders who make this book what it is.
Some taught me about conquering loneliness, some tutored me in Yiddish,
some served me shortcake, and others served as editors. All reminded me of
the importance of living purposeful lives, and their lessons live on.
Their voices are made that much richer by those who assisted with this
book’s preparation. Students of all ages patiently listened to ideas and
excerpts early on, and offered encouraging feedback and support, including
Colgate University and Skidmore College students who have taken my
Sociology of the Life Course class, as well as Colgate’s Lifelong Learners,
Skidmore’s Mature Adults, and Hunter College Alumni in the Capital
Region. Special thanks go to student research assistants Rachel Greenburg
and Katherine Flynn.
Many colleagues and friends took time to provide thorough and
thoughtful feedback. Special thanks go to Toni Calasanti, Deborah Carr,
Kelly Joyce, and several anonymous reviewers for believing in this project
and giving it strength. Eliza Kent spent many hours in cafes reading drafts
and providing invaluable guidance. Carol Bergen’s news clippings and
questions over breakfast kept me grounded. Laura Carpenter’s and Jennifer
Reich’s support and encouragement never wavered. Thank you to Janel
Benson, Courtney Burke, Rebecca Costello, Carolyn Kissane, Karen
Luciani, and Crystal Moore, for your constructive feedback. Thanks as well
to the Oxford team and James Cook, who carefully read every word of the
manuscript, cut a few, and deftly shepherded it through.
I am indebted to the organizations that directly supported this project,
specifically the Upstate Institute at Colgate University and the Institute on
Research on Women at University at Albany. The project was strengthened
with encouragement from Bill Thomas and Jude Rabig and Eldershire
workshop participants; Erin Mitchell at AARP; Loretta Carney of Albany
Fortnightly; Sue Kenneally and Rick Ianello of the Albany Guardian
Society; Kim Hansen Woods at Albany Senior Housing; Bethany Meade,
Laurie Milward, and Nikki Smith from Albany Senior Services from
Albany Senior Services; Laurie Mante, Maryclaire Hassett, Libby Kesner,
Liza McKinley, and Kris Santaromita of Eddy Village Green; Amy Vastola
of Jewish Family Services; Sue Baumann and Steven Spiller at Madison
Lane Apartments; Courtney Burke of the Rockefeller Institute; Lois Wilson
of Senior Issues Forum; Claire Sigal and Dick Allen at the Sidney Albert
Albany Jewish Community Center; Julie Meyer at the U.S. Census Bureau;
Tanya Zelman of the West Hill Neighborhood Health Advocate Program;
and the lifelong learners and researchers at Fortnightly Club of Hamilton,
Thursday Morning Club of Troy, and Fortnightly Club of Albany.
We are all a product of our time and place. That could not be more true
in my case. Heartfelt thanks to my Lancaster Street family and my
Hamilton community, two places I call home and the initial inspiration for
this book. That said, my life is made most meaningful by my New York,
Colorado, and California families. On a daily basis, they model the most
important lessons for living, and keep me accountable.
PROLOGUE
30–60–90: ON AGE AND PERSPECTIVE
30. When I turned thirty, I felt old. I felt experienced, grounded, and
honestly, more legitimate. I was an assistant professor with several years of
teaching and a book under my belt. I was a decade older than my students.
Fewer people asked me if I was a student or what I was majoring in. Then I
rented a room in an elder’s home near the university and discovered a
thriving elder community. Over the next three years, as I taught courses on
aging, started a family, and resided in two vibrant intergenerational
communities, elders became my primary teachers, mentors, friends, and
extended family. Experiencing pregnancy and childbirth within these
communities, I began to embrace the complexities of age, wrapped up in
questions about body, health, culture, social perception and roles,
generations, life stages, location, and relationships. Meanwhile, I came to
view aging and the human life course in new ways. I realized the
importance of social networks, continuity across one’s life, and self-reliance
and control when it comes to well-being and living, aging, birthing, and
dying comfortably. In sum, I have been busy rethinking age.
60. My parents and in-laws are in their sixties. Each actively loves and
cares for their surviving parents, children, and grandchildren, most of whom
live at a distance. At moments, tables turn, and those who cared for us look
to us for care. I see them balancing their adult lives with new and emerging
issues. Their lives and bodies, roles and responsibilities are in flux.
Reminders of aging that had previously remained under the surface are
emerging. All have dealt with loss and grieving and serious health issues,
and all have taken advantage of senior discounts. Yet, they prefer not to
refer to themselves as seniors, and are not even remotely considering
moving to Florida. Instead, what lies before them is time, new family
configurations, and opportunities for reinvention. They are rethinking age.
90. We have longevity in the family, as they say. My father’s mother
lived to ninety, and her mother lived to ninety-two. My mother’s father just
turned ninety. My grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ long lives enabled
me to learn from them and enjoy their company well into adulthood. My
grandparents have been among my most trusted lifelong companions,
friends, and mentors. We have watched and supported each other over the
years. I have observed them confronting physical challenges associated
with longevity. I have asked questions about living meaningful lives in old
age, and they have raised issues related to independence, safety,
companionship, care, and mortality. In many ways, their questions have
become my questions, and have led me to the thirty “oldest old” who
anchor this book.
When I met these study participants, most were living at home and
hoping to stay there. They were making it work, and I wondered how they
managed to do that. All were willing to let me into their lives from time to
time. Some instantly incorporated me into their day-today activities, others
kept in touch from a distance. Many have become dear friends. Together
and apart, we have been rethinking age.
30–60–90. In the midst of this three-year journey, a new life started, and
many others ended. The cycle of birth and death became very real, and the
social aspects of each were revealing. Julia’s life ended in the church pews,
as the choir sang. Lillian passed away with her lover by her side.
Meanwhile, my daughter’s beginning was eagerly anticipated. As the baby
and I grew, I saw those around me starting new life chapters and ending
others. My father ended a career in business. My only existing grandparent
was now living alone. My in-laws became active grandparents. Ann and
Eddie committed to more exercise. And Christine and Fred moved into a
new nursing facility. While confronting change, many things stayed the
same. All of us, no matter what our age, were practicing things like
memory, mobility, balance, sensory perception, patience, and confidence.
We were searching for words, for meaning. We wanted to be heard, known,
trusted, and cared for. And we experienced setbacks and obstacles, and then
started anew. I learned that a life course perspective helped me to see
similarities and differences across lives and across age. I found a new way
of seeing—a wide-angle lens that allowed me to see 30–60–90.
REALIGNMENT NOTE: 90–60–30. This book comes out of my journey,
as a young yet aging professor of sociology, through an awareness of age
and agelessness. Many people—young, old, and in between—have been
important guides. They provided the links, the clues, and the glue to put it
all together. But mostly nonagenarian women and men led this journey;
they are the center of this book and my heart. They have been my teachers
and I, the student. Through their life lessons, I have learned how to be a
better parent, professor, and person. These lessons were taught in words and
in actions, as they went about their daily lives. Observing their joys and
challenges has modeled for me the diverse ways individuals can create full
and meaningful lives at any age.
I have approached this book in direct contradiction to how our society is
structured. Elder voices and experiences center it, in a 90–60–30 sort of
way. They are not marginalized, not an afterthought, not an end-point.
Instead, they provide a variety of starting points for understanding age,
aging, and the life course, at a time when aging is changing. We will check
their experiences with gerontologists, sociologists, psychologists, and other
authorities along the way. But the real experts, testing out new and familiar
theories on age and aging, are eighty-five and beyond.
Aging Our Way
Introduction: Living at Home and Making it Work
Ruth H. prepares for a winter walk
InBy1998, Hallmark unveiled their new “One-Hundredth- Birthday” cards.
1
2007, annual sales were at 85,000 cards. America has the highest
number of centenarians in the world (mostly due to our large population),
estimated at 100,000,2 and in general, our population is “graying.” Today,
American men can expect to live to age seventy-five and women to age
eighty. The number of people in the United States over age sixty-five is
expected to double between now and 2030, and the number over eighty is
expected to almost triple.3 By 2050, one in four or five Americans will be
over sixty-five, and about 5 percent will be aged eighty-five and older, up
from 2 percent now. If these trends continue, the United States at
midcentury roughly will be where Japan, Italy, and Germany—the three
“oldest” industrialized countries in the world—are today.4 Everywhere in
the world the number of solitary elders is climbing fast. Given the growing
population of elders situated to age in place in future generations, we all
have a vested interest in understanding how the experience of old age is
changing.5
We are well on our way toward a fundamentally new, permanent, and
older age structure in our society.6 By 2020, for the first time in history,
Americans over sixty-five will outnumber those under fifteen.7 The baby
boomer generation’s vast numbers will accelerate this shift.8 This new
social structure will reflect demographic changes in class status and
education, ethnicity and gender, in combination with age. Younger
generations will be substantially more ethnically diverse (with many
minority youths working low-wage jobs, particularly in health care), and
older generations will remain disproportionately nonminority and female.
Given broad changes in mortality and morbidity rates, some scholars
project overall increases in life expectancy for years to come. Advances in
biomedical technology make scientists optimistic that increased longevity
in America will both accelerate and continue beyond the middle of this
century. For example, The Lancet medical journal projected in 2010 that
most babies born since 2000 in wealthy countries such as France, Germany,
Italy, the UK, the United States, Canada, and Japan will celebrate their
hundredth birthdays.9 On the other hand, it is possible that recent increases
in obesity and diabetes will actually lead to declines in life expectancy in
this century.
The fastest-growing age group in America is composed of those eighty-
five years and over.10 Today, Americans who live to age eighty-five live on
average another 6.8 years for women and 5.7 years for men.11 As longevity
and good health increase, the meaning of old age is changing; being old
does not necessarily entail being frail or dependent. In fact, the chance that
older adults will live independently increases as they age. Nearly 40 percent
of Americans eighty-five or older live by them selves, compared to only 20
percent of those ages sixty-five to seventy-four.12
We are no longer a society with a functionally impaired older generation
alongside a fit, active, younger population. In fact, the MacArthur
Foundation Research Report on Aging found that the trend is toward a more
active and healthier older population, and a less healthy younger and
middle-aged population.13 Perhaps surprisingly, active life span is
increasing faster than total life span. More people are living longer and
healthier, while avoiding or delaying severe disability. The health and
functional status of the old have been improving steadily since the early
1980s, mainly thanks to improvements in medical care. At the same time, it
is crucial to remember that not everyone is living longer and healthier.
Disability rates have increased among those younger than sixty-five, due to
substantial increases in rates of asthma, obesity, and diabetes.14 A great deal
of research suggests that social inequalities contribute to chronic illness and
shorter life expectancy. Added to this, some of the most important
determinants of diminished capacity—cognitive and functional decline—
are more closely related to socioeconomic factors and education level than
to age. In sum, good health is a privilege and a luxury in America, as is a
long active life.
Our current culture of medicalization potentially overstates the physical
declines of later life.15 In fact, evidence suggests that important abilities,
such as perspective, social values, emotional regulation, and experience,
may all increase with age and can contribute to adaptability in old age.
Assessing elders’ functionality in relation to young adults, or focusing on
quantity of health problems or scores on individual tests, obscures their
overall capacity to function and adapt in ways that allow them to lead full,
meaningful lives into old age.16 These traditional assessment models also
obscure the importance of social contexts in shaping quality of life and
overall health.
