Marriage and Family Life

INTERNATIONAL BIBLE TRAINING COLLEGE

Marriage
and

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 Marriage and Family Life

FAMILY
LIFE

2
 Marriage and Family Life

INTERNATIONAL BIBLE TRAINING COLLEGE

3
 Marriage and Family Life

Marriage
and

FAMILY
LIFE
4
 Marriage and Family Life

Copyright c 2017

Published by
International Bible Training
College P.M.B. 1004 Yaba,
Lagos.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be

reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in
any form or by any means electronic or otherwise, without
prior written permission of the publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, biblical quotations are from the

King James Authorised Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-978-52126-3-5

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 Marriage and Family Life

TABLE OF CONTENTS

UNIT 1: THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE

Lecture 1: Introduction 6
Lecture 2: The Origin of Marriage Institution 8
Lecture 3: God’s Standard for Marriage 10
Lecture 4: Various Types of Marriage 14

UNIT 2: JOURNEY INTO MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

LIFE
Lecture 5: Personal Preparation 20
Lecture 6: Discovering God’s will in Marriage 23
Lecture 7: Procedures for Marriage in the Church 32
Lecture 8: The Place of marriage committee 52

UNIT 3: THE CHRISTIAN HOME

Lecture 9: Functions in the Home 58
Lecture 10: Money Management in Marriage 61
Lecture 11: Family Expenditure and Savings 65

UNIT 4: PECULIAR PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

Lecture 12: Handling Peculiar Problems in Marriage 70
Lecture 13: Harmonizing Individual Differences in 84
Marriage
Lecture 14: Role of Love and Submission in Marriage 89
Lecture 15: Bridging Communication Gaps in Marriage 92

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UNIT 1:
THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE

Objectives: At the end of this unit, the students should be able

to:
i. Define Marriage
ii. Trace the Biblical origin of marriage
iii. Explain God’s standard of marriage iv. List various types
of marriage.

LECTURE 1:

INTRODUCTION
1.1 Background Information
This course is intended to furnish the student with the
essential knowledge about marriage and the family life of
ministers and members of the body of Christ.
Marriage was the first human institution ordained by God
after creation. It took place in the Garden of Eden when man
was in perfect spiritual and physical condition (Genesis 2.18, 21-
25 - KJV). In God’s perfect design, marriage should lead to the
formation of families which must be ruled in accordance with
His non-negotiable standards expressed in His word to raise a
godly seed or posterity (Psalm 68.6; Malachi 2.14-15). “Marriage
is an ordinance of the Creator for the perpetuity and happiness
of the human race …by promoting parental love and the sense of
responsibility, marriage most effectually promotes the health
and happiness of children, and their careful education to virtue,
industry, and honor, to right habits and ends, and to all that is
included in the idea of home” (Ats, online)

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Marriage and family life is so important to the Church and

society that God sets it as a condition that qualifies or
disqualifies a minister from service in His kingdom (1Timothy
3:1-5). Moreover, the state of a man’s marriage and family life
determines whether or not he would be happy or miserable
throughout his life on earth. In fact, the fire kindled by the
throes of unscriptural marriage or a mismanaged family may
steadily burn its victims on earth and even in eternity. According
to Pastor
W.F.Kumuyi, “marital happiness can transform your days on
earth into a sort of heavenly bliss. In the same vein, marital
failure will lead to heartaches, incessant tears, sighing and
reduce you into a traveler who finds himself in a distant
wasteland, tractless, guideless and lost.” Consequently,
everyman, who is desirous of seeing the days of heaven upon the
earth must meticulously follow the perfect precepts, principles
and patterns presented in God’s authoritative manual of
marriage and family life – the Holy Bible. The unspeakable
blessedness derivable from marriage is not accessible through
wishful thinking or academic expositions. It can only be
experienced by those who will receive grace at the throne of
mercy to sacrificially obey God’s set standards, not minding the
misinterpretation and mocking of sinners and carnal believers
who are destitute of God’s liberating truth.

1.2 Meaning of Marriage

Marriage has been variously defined and redefined by
Governments, men of great learning and ecclesiastical
authorities to reflect their convictions. Moreover, the Satan-
induced cultures of certain societies and syncretic doctrines of
nominal Christianity has led to unimaginable heights of
perversion in the matter of marriage and family life.
Consequently, there are definitions that are fashioned to
accommodate polygamy, divorce, homosexuality and other forms
of unscriptural aberrations.

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The revealed truth of God recorded in the Bible is superior to the

cultures of men. It is wisdom therefore to consult the Bible when
human fables and philosophies tend to confuse our
understanding of the will of God in all matters of life and
doctrine. This was the pattern laid by Christ for when He was
confronted by the Pharisees with the question on divorce
(Matthew 19:3-9). He appealed not to the prevailing
philosophical schools of Shammai and Hillel (Adam, online), but
referred them to the Scriptures where God instituted marriage
(Genesis 1:27; 5:2; 2:24). These and other Scriptures reveal that
marriage results when a matured man and woman decide on the
basis of pure love to leave their parents to cleave together as
husband and wife for life. This life-time commitment is
honoured, upheld, supervised and blessed by God when it is
entered in total conformity to
His word. This fact was supported by Pastor W.F. Kumuyi when
he said that “marital bliss and success will only become a
possibility when Jesus Christ is invited into the home”(9).
The Advanced Learners Dictionary defines marriage as “the
legal relationship between a husband and wife”(904). With this
definition it is clear that the marital relationship is between two
persons of different sex (man and woman), who are legitimately
married. Legitimacy in this context implies that things are
allowed and accepted according to law. There are laid down
laws concerning marriage that differ from one custom to
another, but as Christians our law of marital standards is
derived from the Holy Scriptures. Therefore, the Christian
legitimate marriage is done according to God’s law (IBTC, 2).

LECTURE 2:
THE ORIGIN OF MARRIAGE INSTITUTION

2.1 Introduction

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Genesis 2: 18-25; Mathew 19:3-12; 1Corinthian 7:1- 4; Ephesians

5:21-33; Malachi 2:14-16; Proverbs 18:22
“Marriage and family life is a God-ordained institution. It is the
bedrock of life. Marriage is central to God’s plan for the whole
earth. It is the ring that circumscribes every area – spiritual,
social, psychological, physical – of human life” (Kumuyi, 5). The
testimony of the Bible is that “marriage is honourable in all …”
(Hebrews 13:4). The implication is that there are no problems
inherent in marriage but that man is solely responsible for all
the problems that are experienced in marriages. He has made
several inventions (Ecclesiastes 7:29) that are now breaking
down marital homes.
The marriage institution has its origin in the Garden of
Eden. It was introduced when man was innocent and perfect.
This means that marriage was not necessitated by the fallen
nature of man. God saw and concluded that it was not good that
man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). Consequently, he formed a
woman from the rib of the man and brought her to him. The man
in unbounded joy and excitement made the declaration that
could be termed the marriage charter (Genesis 2:21-24). Christ
in His first advent gave His verdict on marriage to buttress
God’s original perfect will concerning the marriage institution.
In answer to the probing but tempting question of the Pharisees,
Jesus Christ outlined the following points as essentials to right
understanding of marriage as intended by God originally: (i)He
denounced ignorance and encouraged knowledge and
understanding of God’s concept of marriage. (ii)The bond of
marriage supersedes the bond of family ties. (iii) Marriage is
sacred. (iv)There is no ground for divorce in marriage from the
beginning.
(v)Some people certainly will not get married because they are
eunuchs.

2.2 God’s Purpose for Marriage

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God is orderly and purposeful in all His creation. Nothing came

by accident and nothing is without a purpose. The purpose of
marriage is known unto God from the beginning of the world
and they are recorded in the Bible (Acts 15:18). All those who
want to go into marriage should enter with the mind of fulfilling
God’s purpose for marriage. None should be exalted above the
other because each forms a part of the full package of marriage.
The following is a summary of God’s purpose for ordaining the
sacred institution of marriage:
a) Partnership: man was not created to be a lone ranger. He
was created a social being with a desire to fellowship with
others. Thus when Adam was alone with the animals in the
Garden of Eden God observed and decided: “… it is not
good that the man should be alone; I will make him a
help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18).
b) Purity: marriage is unique to man. God does not want man
to be like animals controlled by instincts but as reasonable,
dignified and decent beings in the matter of satisfaction of
their sexual need (1Corinthians 7:1-5; Hebrews13:4).
c) Procreation: marriage is for the preservation of posterity –
to raise a godly seed (Genesis 1:28; Malachi 2.14-15). Thus
the practice of some married couples who choose not to
have children and so remain childfree is not in conformity
with the perfect will of God (Wikipedia).
d) Provision: marriage ensures the provision of basic needs
and wants for all the members of the family (1Timothy
5:8).
e) Pleasure: marriage was also designed by God to satisfy the
biological desire of man in a legitimate and holy way
(Proverbs
5:15-20).
f) Profitable labour: Two are better than one. There will be
mutual help and cross-fertilization of ideas, (Ecclesiastes
4:8-12).

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g) Protection: marriage provides a kind of shelter that

protects and preserves the couple (especially the wife)
from tiresome labour, shame, insult and assault from the
sons and daughters of belial (Ruth 3:1, 9; Proverbs 12:4;
Isaiah 4:1).
h) Power: the peculiar unity that marriage secures in a
couple places at their disposal an awesome power in
prayer (Matthew 18:19)

LECTURE 3:
GOD’S STANDARD FOR MARRIAGE

3.1 Introduction
Genesis 2:18-25; Matthew 19:4-6; Proverbs 18:22
God is the Author of marriage and His acceptable standard for
an ideal marriage remains unchanging amidst a crooked and
perverse generation that is given to change. God’s perfect
standard for marriage was demonstrated in the Garden of Eden
at the marriage of the first couple which was initiated and
officiated by God Himself (Genesis 2:18-24). Jesus Christ, in
answer to the tempting question of the Pharisees, re-established
this standard that was since destroyed by men as a result of the
fall of man in the most clear terms (Matthew 19:3-12). The
following is a summary of God’s perfect standard for marriage:
a) Remaining as a single man or woman is not the original
plan of God (Genesis 2:18).
b) Bestiality is an abnormality and an abomination. Amidst
all the animals, there was not found a help meet for
Adam (Genesis
2:20).
c) The woman was not created to be an object of
humiliation and subjugation but of affection. The bone
for her formation was not taken from the feet but from

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near the heart – the place of affection (Genesis 2:21,

22). This is the principle of social equality of man and
wife (Smith, 382)
d) Inseparable oneness between the man and the woman.
“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and
flesh of my flesh … because she was taken out of
man” (Genesis 2:23; Matthew 19:5, 6). Smith refers to
this as “the indissolubleness of the marriage
bond”(382).
e) There must be leaving and cleaving. Both partners must
leave their parents to come together and live as a family
unit
((Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5)
f) Monogamy is the perfect will of God. In the beginning
God made just Adam and Eve – male and female
(Matthew 19:4).
g) Separation, divorce and remarriage are against the will
of God.
Marriage to a divorcee is adultery (Matthew 19:7-9)
h) Some people certainly will not get married because they
are eunuchs (Matthew 19:12). Eunuchs are those (i)
born impotent due to natural/biological defects
(Deuteronomy 23:1). (ii) Castrated by men to be
chamberlains -11Kings 20:18; and (iii) who made
themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom. So,
enforced celibacy as a human precept is the doctrine of
the devil (1Tim 4:1-3).

3.2 Celibacy
Celibacy is a state or condition of not getting married especially
for religious reasons. This is done by a religious vow and the
practice has assumed a cultic status in some circles. Celibacy as
a human precept is disapproved scripturally because it
promotes: (i) Asceticism (ii) Cultic mentality (iii) Human pride
and vain glory (the pride of humanity). (iv) Legalism and
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formalism. These characteristics are often regarded as

evidences of spirituality, but in the real sense of it, these traits
rather lean towards spiritism. The failure of celibacy as an
institutionalized human precept is characterized by the
following: (i) Demonic influence (1 Timothy 4:1-5; 2 Timothy 3:1-
5). (ii)Hypocrisy and powerlessness of its adherents. (iii)Lack of
self-control and discipline. (iv)Rampant falling into the sin of
fornication and other sexual perversions among its adherents.
(v)The obvious imperfection of the doctrine through the setting
up of human contingency measures of atonement upon breakage
of vow. (vi)It is of no value as a check to indulgence (Col. 2:23).
(vii)The practice fosters utter disregard of the doctrine of the
grace of God
Though, it is spiritually true and realistically genuine that few
people will definitely not marry either by personal choice or
reasons beyond their control, celibacy as a human precept and
institutionalized doctrine lacks proper scriptural foundation and
has a semblance of bondage, cultism and legalism. In addition, it
is an affront to or deviation from the institution of marriage by
the Almighty God at the beginning (IBTC, 17-18).

3.3 The Divorce Dilemma:

Pastor W.F.Kumuyi when highlighting this topic listed causes of
divorce as follows:
1. Failure to leave and cleave – Ephesians 5:31, 28-
30; Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:6-9
2. Giving the devil a place – Ephesians 4:27;1Peter
5:7-9; Joshua 4:7
3. Worldliness and Extravagance – Romans 12:1-2;
1John 2:15-17
4. Criticism and lack of forgiveness – Matthew 7:1-5;
2 Corinthians.13:5
5. Lack of love and affection – Ephesians 5:25-28;
Titus 2:4; John 15:12-14

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6. Male abdication and female usurpation –

Ephesians 5:2224
7. Pride and prayerlessness – John 13-3-5; Philippians
2:38;1 Peter 5:5
8. Childlessness – Genesis 25:20-22; Luke 1:13;
Matthew 9:23
9. Polygamy – Genesis 29:29-32; 30:1-2; Matthew
19:4-6 10. Money, Business and spending –
Philippians 4:19; Luke 16:10-12 (114-116).

3.4 God’s remedy: Separation permitted, divorce and

Remarriage
Forbidden
Matthew 5:13, 32; 19:9; 1:18-24; Romans 7:2-3
The uniform teaching of God’s word is that marriage is a life
time contract. At the time of Christ’s earthly ministry, the two
rabbinic schools (Shammai and Hillel) differed in their
interpretations as regards Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The Hillel
school that was liberal was of the opinion that a woman can be
divorced on any ground. But the Shammai School accepted
divorce on the ground of adultery. Jesus neither supported any
of them but rather stated that “except it be for fornication”
(Matthew 19:9; 5:32). Married couples do not commit
fornication but adultery. So, if fornication is noticed before the
consummation of the marriage union, divorce may be allowed.
After the consummation, no divorce (the case of Joseph and
Mary serves as an inference. And there is no single divorce case
in the Bible on ground of adultery).
The Mosaic provision for divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1-4) was not
a divine injunction but Moses’ personal initiation to regulate and
mitigate their “hardness of heart”(Matthew 19:8). The divorce
certificate mentioned in Deuteronomy 24:1 was intended to
protect the reputation and rights of the woman. That is, Moses
intended to make the divorce process rigorous in order to
discourage those who intended to divorce their Jewish wives in
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order to marry pagan women Davis, 83 (74). So, in answer to the

tempting question of the rabbinic Shammai school(Matthew
19:3-12), “Jesus reclaims marriage from the divorce lawyers” by
demanding “that the discussion of God’s will for marriage return
to the original intent of the Creator”(Gushee,162). Separation is
permitted especially when life is threatened until peace is
restored. Remarriage is not permitted during that separation.
Peace and reconciliation should be sorted for during this period
(1Corinthians 7:15).

LECTURE 4:
TYPES OF MARRIAGES

4.1 Scriptural Marriage:

Monogamy Genesis 2:18-25; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Timothy 3:12
This is the rule, custom or condition of marriage between one
man and one woman at a time. This is God’s perfect standard of
marriage right from the beginning of its establishment (Matthew
19:4-6). Every civilized society respects this ideal standard and
upholds it to promote fairness, sanity, commitment, sense of
responsibility and devotion in the homes and families.
In monogamy, we have the following characteristics and
advantages:
a) Greater bond of unity and oneness.
b) A true nuclear family setting, consisting of a mother,
father and children.
c) Greater level of security and sense of belonging for
the parties involved.

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d) True love in the home can be realized only in this

setting.
e) There is a greater sense of identity within this bond of
relationship.
f) If this form of marriage is adhered to by every
society, the spread of diseases will be greatly
minimized.
g) The seal of God’s approval, honour and blessings are
upon this form of marriage (IBTC, 12).

4.2 Unscriptural Marriages

After the fall of man, rebellion against God’s rule became the
order of the day with the offspring of Adam (Genesis 3, 4, 5, 6).
Consequently, men’s craving for sinful indulgence became
intensified and God’s original plan for marriage was perverted
and distorted.
The following are some examples of unscriptural marriages –
types of unscriptural marriage (Libertine and Wikipedia
online):
1. Adelphogamy: the form of marriage where there is
sexual partnership between siblings i.e brothers
having a common wife or wives.
2. Bigamy: the act of entering into a marriage with one
person while still legitimately married to another. In
some countries like Nigeria, it is a crime.

3. Pantagamy: a form of marriage in which every

woman in a community is married to every man and
every man is married to every woman.

4. Polyandry: the practice of having two or more

husbands at a time.

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5. Polygamy: the practice or state of being married to

more than one spouse at a time.

6. Polygyny: the practice of having two or more wives

at a time. It is a narrow form of polygamy.

7. Trigamy: the condition of having three wives or

husbands at the same time

8. Polyamory: participation in multiple sex and loving

relationship at the same time. This is said to be a de
facto type of marriage.

9. Polyfidelity: is a form of polyamory where all

members are considered equal partners and agree to
be sexually active only with other members of the
group.

10. Same sex: A marriage between two people who

are of the same sex.

11. Open marriage – swinging: open marriage is

when couples in legal, monogamous marriages both
agree that each may have outside lovers.
12. Group marriage: this is a form of polyamory in
which there is no primary core couple; rather each
member is equally married to all other members

13. Levirate marriage: is a form of marriage in

which a woman marries one of her husband’s
brothers after the death of the husband. The levirate
law required the surviving brother of an Israelite
who died without issue to marry the widow, so as to
continue his brother's family through the son that

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might be born of that marriage (Genesis 38:8;

Deuteronomy 25:5-10; Ruth 3; 4:10). Its object was
"to raise up seed to the departed brother." (Easton,
online). Some societies copy this practice wrongly by
requiring the firstborn to pick one of the many wives
of his dead father; others compel the widow to marry
someone from the late husband’s family even when
the marriage resulted in many children. The bible
stand is that, the marriage bond is broken
immediately one partner dies. If the widow is of a
marriageable age, she is at liberty to marry whom
she wills (1Corinthians 7:39).

14. Sororate marriage: is a form of marriage in

which a man marries his wife’s sister, usually after
the wife is dead or infertile.

15. Endogamy: the practice of limiting marriages

within certain social groups, ethnicity, or classes. It
is also called homogamy.

16. Arranged marriage: is marriage arranged by

parents, professional matchmakers, friends, religious
leaders, etc, for a person other than the couple
getting married.

17. Egalitarian marriage: is a monogamous, mix-sex

marriage where husband and wife consider one
another equal partners in the marriage.
18. Covenant marriage: is a form of marriage where
the couple agrees to seek pre-marital counseling and
to accept more limited grounds for divorce.

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19. Posthumous marriage: permitted in France, a

living person can marry a dead person of the
opposite sex after the individual has died.

20. Sexless marriage: a marriage in which there is

no sex between the two partners.

21. Concubinage: This is another form of perversion

of God’s original plan of marriage although the
contemporary usage of the word is much different
from its biblical use. Modern authors describe a
concubine as a woman who, without being married
to a man, lives with him as his wife. The biblical use
of the word however signifies a lawful wife, but of a
secondary rank. She differed from a proper wife in
that she was not married by solemn stipulation, but
only betrothed; she brought no dowry with her, and
had no share in the government of the family. She
was liable to be repudiated, or sent away with a gift
(Genesis 21:14), and her children might be treated in
the same way, and not share in their father's
inheritance (Genesis 25:6). Concubinage became a
general custom, and the Law of Moses restricted its
abuses (Exodus 21:7-9; Deuteronomy 21:10-14), but
never sanctioned it. The gospel has restored the
original law of marriage (Genesis 2:24; Matthew
19:5; 1Corinthians 7:2) and concubinage is ranked
with fornication and adultery (Ats, online).

22. Betrothing: This is the engagement of a man

and woman to marry each other at a future time. In
the ancient time, parents often betrothed their
daughters without their consent, and even while very
young, as is still the case in oriental countries.
Sometimes a regular written contract was made, in

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which the bridegroom bound himself to give a

certain sum as a portion to his bride. The marriage
was not complete until the bride was at least twelve
years old; yet the betrothal could be dissolved only
by divorce or death (Ats, online). This cannot be
practiced by Christians now as the girl is immature,
lacks understanding about marriage and cannot give
her consent reasonably at that age. It promotes early
marriage which impacts negatively on human
development and even leading to health hazards like
the vesico virginal fistula - VVF. Moreover, like a
marriage arranged by parents, it is not based on love
(Matthew 1:1825; Luke 2:27).

23. Federation marriage – this is a kind of marriage

where pictures of interested or registered
spinsters/bachelors are circulated all over the world.
If a man picks a picture of the woman he feels he
loves, the woman will be notified. The wedding of the
intending couples is done internationally at different
centers at the same time, with each person holding
the picture of the unseen partner. After such
wedding the woman will be sent to the husband
without parental consent.
There are other mirage types of marriage that are unscriptural
but the most common form of polygamy in Africa, particularly in
Nigeria, is polygyny. It began with Lamech, a descendant of the
ungodly line of Cain during the first civilization (Genesis 4:16-
19). Polygyny is evil.

4.3 Consequences of Polygamy

Pastor W.F. Kumuyi listed the evil effects and consequences of
polygamy to include:
a) Favouritism, partiality and injustice towards the wives –
Genesis

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29:30; 2Chronicle 11:18-21

b) Jealousy, hatred and quarrelling among the women –
Genesis 30:14-16; 1Samuel 1:4-8
c) Unrest, lack of love and satisfaction on each part, suffering
and hypertension – Genesis 18:4-6; 21:9-11; 30:1-8;
2Samuel 13:1, 2, 14;
16:22
d) Lack of leadership, authority, discipline and order in the
home leading to juvenile delinquency – Genesis 21:9-12;
1Samuel 1:4-8;
2Chronicle 11:21-23
e) Hatred and enmity among children of the same father but
different mothers – Genesis 37:2-4; 11:18-20; Judges 11:1-3;
2Samuel 13:19-39
f) Backsliding, Idolatry and Apostasy – 1Kings 11:3-9;
Nehemiah
13:26
g) Judgment of God on the sins of disobedience and polygamy
– 1Sanuel 15:22, 23; Isaiah 1:20; Luke 13:1-5; Deuteronomy
28:1568(40).

UNIT 1 SELF ASSESSMENT EXERCISE

1. What is marriage? State God’s purpose for marriage.
2. Enumerate God’s perfect standard for marriage.
3. Define celibacy and state why it is unscriptural?
4. Highlight the causes of divorce.
5. What is a scriptural marriage? List its characteristics.
6. Mention unscriptural marriage you have been taught.
7. State the consequences of polygamy.
8. Discuss when separation can be permitted.

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UNIT 2:
JOURNEY INTO MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE

Objectives:
At the end of this unit, the students should be able to:
i. Explain the personal preparation one needs to take
before entering into marriage. ii. Understand the
scriptural ways necessary for knowing God’s will in
marriage.
iii. Highlight the composition and functions of the
marriage committee.

LECTURE 5:
PERSONAL PREPARATION

5.1 Introduction
Genesis 2:24; Mark10:6-9
Marriage is not a family or community affair. It comes with
privileges and responsibilities. Moreover, the marriage bond is
permanent and can only be dissolved by death. This is why
before one gets into marriage he or she should be matured
physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. Besides
he needs some social and material preparation. For instance, he
needs his own accommodation, bed and other household items.
Over and above all, there should be a steady source of income to
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keep the prospective family going. The viability of marriage is

usually an indication of the stability of marriage partners
(Kumuyi, 12).

5.2 Maturation before marriage

Marriage is not meant for children, but for men and women who
are matured not only in chronological age but also spiritually,
emotionally, socially, and financially. A stable and successful
marriage depends largely on these areas of maturity (Primenet,
online).
(i) Physical maturity – This does not just come with the
chronological age but also with the acceptance of
responsibility. The person to marry must attain
about 90% of his or her physical maturation. It is
said that an individual may continue to mature
physically until the age of 30years. The implication
of this is that marriage in the third decade of life
appears to be most appropriate (HPF, online). The
maturity age for the Oriental Jews was set at 12
years for boys and 13 years for girls as minimum
age to contract marriage. Because of
responsibilities involved in marriage today, the
generally accepted age of marriage maturity is at
25 years for men and 23 years for women.
According to the National Center for Health
Statistics USA. In almost half of all marriages
involving a bride who is 18years old or younger at
the time of marriage, separation or divorce occurs
within 10years (Young, online).

(ii) Financial maturity –Financial maturity entails

having a regular source of income, financial
intelligence and investment mentality. There are
many needs in marriage which love cannot meet.

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Expenses like mortgage, children's school fees,

feeding expense, tax and clothing, it takes only
money to do that (Adewale, 3). Some refer to this
as vocational maturity and that the person without
work experience is hardly prepared for the role of
marriage (HPF, online).

(iii) Mental maturity – This relates to the developed

ability to use the mind and intelligence; the ability
to recover quickly from disintegration or emotional
disturbance. A mentally mature person does not
constantly run back to daddy and mummy after
marriage.

(iv) Spiritual maturity – This is necessary because of

the attack of the enemy on the institution of
marriage from the spiritual realm as it was in the
Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:1-24). Spiritual maturity
begins with salvation from sin
and the eradication from the mind all forms of myth
and evil philosophy (Romans 12:2). Spiritual
maturity gives a person the ability to operate by
faith amidst the storms of life (Romans 4:17-21).

Maturity in essence implies the following:

1. You must be matured enough to have established a sense
of personal identity, to have discovered oneself and to
have developed a direction for your life that offers
promise for the future.

2. Be matured enough to be ready to settle down with one

person exclusively, with responsibility.

3. Grown up enough to have outgrown childish dependence

upon parents or adolescent independence trusts to the
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extent that one is ready for interdependence with

husband or wife.

4. A person is matured enough to marry when he or she is

ready to love and to be loved deeply and fully as a whole
person.

5. Have education sufficient for a full life as a man or

woman both in and outside the home. There should have
been enough education before marriage to kindle the
love of learning in both of the pair so they will both keep
on with their education afterwards.

5.2.1 Early Marriage

i. Factors Responsible for Marriage before Maturity
There are factors that lead people into early marriages.
Some of these factors are: culture, religion, economy, pre-
marital pregnancies, and freedom from parental control
(IBTC,19).

ii. Evil effects of early marriages to couples and the

society.
The effects are: (i) It is hazardous to human development.
(ii) Instability in marital life due to consistent problems.
(iii) Youthful exuberance that may lead to the break up in
marriage. (iv) Accusation and counter-accusation of
infidelity and unfaithfulness in marriage. (v) Mass
production of children without adequate plan to cater for
them (IBTC,20).

LECTURE 6:
DISCOVERING GOD’S WILL IN MARRIAGE
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6.1 Introduction
1Timothy 4:16
The proper understanding of the subject of discovering God’s will
in marriage is of great importance to everyone for five reasons:
a) It is for our personal happiness
b) It is for doctrinal purity
c) It is for the reason of continuance in and remembrance
of the truth
d) Our personal salvation is linked with our obedience to
the perfect will of God in marriage
e) Purposeful and helpful counselling of other people
(Kumuyi, 21)
Seeing that knowing the perfect will of God in marriage is so
important for us, what are the pitfalls we must avoid? How can
we know the will of God and be sure that it is indeed the will of
God?

6.2 Unscriptural methods of knowing the will of God in

marriage
According to Pastor W.F. Kumuyi (22), some methods of knowing
God’s will are basically and inherently wrong. They include:
a) Making one’s decision, then praying for confirmation –
Ezekiel 14:1-11; 2Thessalonians 2:9-12
b) Praying and asking contrary to God’s will because of
covetousness – Numbers 22:12-22
c) Putting out fleeces or using ballots on two people –
Judges
6:16, 36-40; Acts 1:14, 15, 21-26
d) Prophecies or revelations through others – 1Chronicles
17:1-4; 1Kings 22:5-24, 34-37.
e) Recommendation of friends and well-wishers – Joshua
7:2-10;

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Psalm 118:8,9
f) Choosing by sight – 1Samuel 16:6, 7; Proverbs 31:30;
2Chronicles 5:7; 4:18
g) Just taking someone by faith – Jeremiah 17:9-11; Isaiah
55:8,9;
(Kumuyi, 42)

6.3 Hindrances to knowing God’s will in marriage

The conditions of the heart of man and certain attitudes of his
life can constitute great hindrances on his path to knowing the
will of God in marriage. This is primarily because the nature of
the natural man is contrary to the holy nature of God.
Specifically, the hindrances include:
i. Sin in the life of the seeker (Ps. 66:18). If there is sin
in your life, it will be impossible for you to know the
will of God. The only way out is to take the sin away.
Confess it to the Lord, forsake it and repent of it.

ii. Self-will. God does not reveal his will when he knows
that you are unwilling to do his will. He does not talk
to you when he knows you are self-willed.

iii. Unbelief. If one has a heart of unbelief and finds it

difficult to believe God on some issues, it hinders one
from receiving from God.

iv. Idol in the heart. This problem shields the face of

God from the seeker (Ezekiel 14:3-4). So if you want
to know the will of God in marriage, take away idols
from your heart. The idol could be a particular man
or woman. It could be some attractive human
qualities or attainments like the ‘beauty’ of Absalom,
the wisdom of Ahithophel or the riches of Nabal.

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Don’t idolize a man or a lady. Any idol in your heart

will hinder God from revealing his will to you
(Kumuyi, 19).

6.4 Biblical approach to knowing God’s will in marriage

We can have what God has purposed for us without much
struggling and in straight forward manner. The following are
conditions for knowing the will of God in marriage.
a) Salvation and Sanctification: These two basic
Christian experiences grant us the opportunity to
relate with God as Father and to have a heart where
Christ alone is enthroned without a rival.
b) Delighting ourselves in God and His service: Like
Christ, we must joyfully choose those things which
are pleasing unto God always (Psalm 37:4; 1John
3:22).

c) Persevering prayer of faith: We must seek God with

the whole of our hearts in all purity, sincerity and
without an idol in the heart (Deuteronomy 4:29;
James 1:6-8).

d) Resting on God’s faithfulness: God gave Jesus Christ

his only begotten son to die for us, there is nothing
then that He can withhold from us (Romans 8:32;
Psalm 37:7).

e) Be patient with God: God has a time-table for you.

Do not compare yourself with others (Ps 37:7,
Habakkuk 2:3).

f) Current life of obedience to the Lord: Diligent

obedience to the present revealed will of God in
other matters. It could be on restitution, Christian
service, forgiveness or making peace.
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g) Willingness to submit absolutely to the will of God no

matter the cost (Isaiah 55:8-9; Matthew 26:39, 42).
The will of God could be:
• Someone less educated than oneself.
• A sister who made restitution and disengaged
from a wrong marriage.
• A widow or widower of a marriageable age still
willing to marry
• A sister who had a child outside wedlock
• A spouse from a community where the caste
system is observed.
• A physically challenged brother or sister (IBTC,
29).
6.5 Scriptural methods of knowing God’s will in marriage
The Bible is full of God’s promises of guidance into knowing his
will. When God guides he does not make mistakes (Psalm 32:8;
37:23; 73:24 Isaiah 48:17). So the Lord has promised to guide all
His children who will stand firm upon His promises and exercise
the obedience of faith. It is the place of the believer to recognize
the voice of God when He speaks to him or her (John 10:27). God
may reveal His will to you:
a) While you are in obedience to an instruction given by a
superior which may not be spiritual. This was the case
with Saul of Gibeah when he stumbled on kingship
while looking for the father’s lost asses (1Samuel 9,
10).

b) God can speak to you while you are meditating on his

word as it was the case with Peter (Acts 10:19, 20).

c) At other times, the Lord may speak to you while you

are expecting guidance from Him. This was the case of
Elijah who went to the mountain waiting to hear from

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God. God eventually spoke through a still, small voice

after the wind, earthquake and fire (1Kings 19:9-18).

d) Sometimes God speaks to you while you are busy,

engrossed in your work or the Lord’s work (1Kings
19:19-21; Mathew
9:9).

e) At other times God may reveal his will in marriage to

you while you are sleeping. God revealed to Paul the
man of Macedonia while Paul was sleeping. This was at
a time when he had already given up as to where to
reach out after some attempts.

f) The Lord also reveals his will at times while you are
reading or studying the scriptures (Psalms 119:30).
The word may be in the form of an inspirational song
or sermon
In summary, the will of God for you in marriage can be revealed
through:
i. Deep impression in the heart
ii. Agape love for the sister or brother
iii. Dreams or visions iv. Audible voice
v. His word (IBTC, 30-35)

Having met His conditions, prayed and known who you believe to
be the will of God, you should test your decision by the following
principles:
1) The Promise Test: Does the promise of God cover the
revealed will?

2) The Purpose Test: Will your union with the

prospective partner help you fulfill the purpose and

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objective of God for your life? Ask yourself if God will

be glorified in the decision.

3) The Peace test: Does the idea of living with this

partner give you freedom from strain, worry, anxiety
and stress? Does the decision give you peace?

4) The Pastor Test: Don’t act like an orphan. Tell the

Pastor about the decision and he will cross-check it
for you (Kumuyi 24).
*************************
6.6 Cautions Against Blind Love
The following is Rabbi Dov’s caution signpost against choosing a
spouse by blind love. Ten practical tools for keeping your eyes
wide open.
a) You pick the wrong person because you expect
him/her to change after you're married.

This is the classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden

rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is
now, don't get married to him or her. So when it comes to the
other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can
live with these as they are now.

b) You pick the wrong person because you focus more

on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.

Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means,
"I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked
out this person's character?

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

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 Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right

thing" is more important than personal comfort?
 Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to
other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't
have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give
charity?
 Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what
s/he says s/he's going to do?
 Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he
enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to

have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out
like him or her?

c) You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't

understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more
often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish
tradition places the onus on the man to understand the
emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she

is the most important person in her husband's life. The
husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The

Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his
wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-
oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise
woman once pointed out, "men have two speeds: on and off."
Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to
switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man
forgets his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure,
amazing things happen.
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 Marriage and Family Life

d) You choose the wrong person because you do not

share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

• chemistry and compatibility

• share common interests
• share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing
life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either
grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must
figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then
find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal
mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding
of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values
and goals.

e) You choose the wrong person because you get

intimately involved too quickly.

Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big

problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of
important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's
mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good
decisions. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to
find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your
homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally
compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies
done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost
never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

f) You pick the wrong person because you do not have

a deeper emotional connection with this person.

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To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or

not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not
mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a
Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a
Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity,
loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

g) You pick the wrong person because you chose

someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful

and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express
myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good
about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make
you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you
feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You
should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you
are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to
express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem
with the relationship.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other
person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign
of an abusive person. Be on the lookout for someone who is
always trying to change you. There's a big difference between
"controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made
for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

h) You pick the wrong person because you don't put

everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be

brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is

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 Marriage and Family Life

the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate,
negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime,
difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before
making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is
also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this
person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate.
The two go hand in hand.

i) You pick the wrong person because you use the

relationship to escape from personal problems and
unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy when

married too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and
emotional problems. If anything, marriage will worsen them. If
you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility
to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your
future spouse will thank you.
j) You pick the wrong person because he/she is
involved in a triangle.

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent

on someone or something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her
parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also
be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs,
Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The
person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally
available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And
that's no basis for a marriage (Dov, online).

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LECTURE 7:
PROCEDURES FOR MARRIAGE IN A BIBLE CHURCH

7.1 Praying to Know God’s Will

It must be emphasized that the journey into Christian marriage
must begin with prayers. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good
thing, and obtianeth favour from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22;
19:14). The person intending to get married must pray for God’s
will and God’s choice of his/her partner. God is the only perfect
match-maker, He alone knows a man’s “missing rib” and He only
can lead any man to his “missing rib”. Therefore, any person
intending to marry must start with prayers – asking God to lead
and direct him/her to who God had created them for. “God is the
only Comfort and Guide in marriage. It is only reasonable to
start with Him. Let Him seek out for a help meet for you”
(Kumuyi 2007: 13).
The prayer, however, should be in absolute faith and trust in
God free from iniquity, self will, unbelief, or any idol. Kumuyi
(2007) says, “There is a way you pray and receive answer to
your prayer. You must not be pretentious. You must be natural
and simple. Strip yourself of every affection when going to God
in prayer. Don’t read your prayer from any book. Let your prayer
flow from the depths of your burdened heart.
Use your word. Pray in the language you understand”.
Abraham’s servant prayed for God’s guidance when his master
sent him to choose a wife for Isaac. (Genesis 24:12-14). And so
must every intending husband or wife pray for God’s will in
marriage.

7.2 Informing the Pastor of God’s Leading

It is instructive for the believer to inform his spiritual
leader of God’s leading in marriage. The reason is not far-
fetched. The Pastor is his shepherd who seeks for his spiritual
welfare. He also can give him scriptural and spiritual counseling.
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 Marriage and Family Life

Besides, the Pastor will also pray and receive re-affirmation of

God’s revealed will to the believer as well as pray for God’s
continued care and guidance for the flock till the marriage is
consummated. Another reason is that the Pastor will and must
keep the whole affair confidential. This is what Kumuyi (2007:
23) calls “Pastor’s Test.”
After the Pastor must have prayed and received
confirmation from God or is convinced about God’s leading in
the believers marriage plan, he then will write officially a letter
of introduction of the person concerned to the Marriage
Committee

7.3 Declaring Intention to the Marriage Committee

With the letter of introduction from his/her Pastor, the
brother or sister must go to the Marriage Committee and
declare his/her intention. The Marriage Committee will give
him/her a form to fill. The Marriage Committee at this juncture
will interview him/her to ascertain his/her conversion, conviction
and God’s leading.

The reasons for informing the Pastor and declaring

intention to the Marriage Committee are:-
(a) To avoid anyone going to the other which may bring
confusion, unholy dealing and embarrassment
(b)So that if the other person is already engaged, the
Marriage Committee knows and will equally inform him
or her. This helps to avoid embarrassment or confusion.
(c) If the brother or sister proposed to turns down the
other’s proposal, the Marriage Committee will know
how to counsel and encourage him/her to prevent
anyone picking offense against the other.
(d)The Marriage Committee acts as an umpire and witness
to the intending partners whether the proposal is
rejected or accepted. When the proposal is accepted,
he/she will be allowed to go for the first medical test
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7.4 Going for Medical Test

It has become mandatory for marriage in the Deeper Life Bible
Church that before approval can be given to a brother or sister
to speak to one another and make their proposal to each other,
both of them must have to undergo a medical test in a
recognized and approved medical establishment. The tests
include HIV, Hepatitis B & C and Blood Genotype, etc. However,
it is preferable that where possible, such medical tests should be
handled by a recommended brother in the church who is a
qualified medical doctor to ensure accurate results. All results of
medical tests should be sent to the church directly from where it
is done and not to be hand-carried by the person(s) concerned.
Where the result is not in their favour, the Marriage Committee
is to communicate this to them in love and wisdom. This will
help to clear the wrong impression some persons may be having
against the church or the committee. On the other hand, where
the result is in their favour, they are encouraged to go ahead to
the next process of marriage. All these are to comply with the
injunction: “Let all things be done decently and in order”
(1Corinthians 14: 40. DCLM Marriage Committee Manual 26).

7.5 Seeking for the Brother’s/Sister’s Consent

After the first medical test and the sister or brother is
declared fit, the Marriage Committee then will allow him/her to
propose or seek the other’s consent in marriage. This should be
done in an open place and not in obscured dark places. (A sister
matured enough above 30 years who has prayed through and
known the will of God could be allowed to initiate a proposal).
It must be stated forthrightly that the sister’s or brother’s
decision should be respected. The brother should not force the
sister’s hand in marriage and vice-versa. “The consent of the
sister is necessary. No pastor should dictate to any sister
(brother) who to marry.” Kumuyi, (1990:32-33).

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When the proposal is made and the person is not

convinced yet, that is, does not give ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, he/she
should be allowed to pray to God to deal with her and lead
him/her aright. If the answer is outright “No”, the other should
take it in good faith without being offended. But if the answer is
“Yes”, they are now ready to seek their parent’s consent.

7.6 Getting Parental Consent

According to Brown (584), In the OT, there are references
to the customs that preceded the wedding (e.g. Genesis 24:57-
60; Joshua 15:18 ff; Judges 14:1 ff; Isaiah 61:10). A girl was
capable of marriage at twelve, a young man at fifteen, while
their personal choice probably played a part, an agreement
made between their families was essential. The above statement
underscores the importance of seeking and obtaining parental
consent in Christian marriage. To go about that, Kumuyi (2007:
41) submits that “the brother and the sister must talk to their
individual parents with enthusiasm, confidence and persuasion.
Tell them lovingly and assuringly, not with a shaky voice which
is devoid of conviction.” He further counsels that parents, on
their part, should understand how crucial a thing marriage is to
their youngsters. They ought not to give them unnecessary
difficulty but they should rather give them consent and blessing
when they know they are on the will of God (1990: 33). This is
followed by the introduction of each of the intending partners to
each of their parents. In this brief visit which should be devoid of
any elaborate ceremony, a mature brother and sister are to
accompany them as representatives of the church and to report
back to the Marriage Committee.

7.7 Starting of Courtship.

Courtship could only start after parents’ consent has been
obtained. Courtship period is a time of preparation for the actual
wedding day.

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Properly carried out, the intending couple deals with possible

areas of friction and misunderstanding during this period. A long
courtship is not encouraged because it generally runs into
difficulties and often leads to a break of relationship. Six to nine
months should be the maximum courtship period. This is a time
to know one another’s past and present life, secular and
Christian experiences and future spiritual and social aspirations.
During courtship, the brethren should not be visiting each other
lest the devil tempts them and their testimonies be soiled.
Problems surely come if people in courtship go into immorality
and tell lies to the Marriage Committee in order to be joined in
Holy Wedlock. The couples should avoid unnecessary closeness
before and after the engagement which may lead to defilement.
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled; but
whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4.
See DCLM Marriage Committee Manual 37-38). Courtship
period is the time of harmonizing goals, studying each other,
deepening the relationship, praying, planning and preparing
(CWM 4,13 ).
The place to be used for courtship meeting should be the
house of a Christian family with children, where people go in
and out. The meeting place could also be an open school or
church premises. In every case, the windows and doors with
curtains must be left wide open. The Pastor or Coordinator and
Zonal Leader should be involved in choosing a meeting place.
(DCLM Marriage Committee Manual, 38).
The following guideline must be strictly adhered to by the
would-be couple for proper scriptural practice during the
period of courtship:
1. Patience: Ecclesiastes 7:8; Hebrews 10:36; A courtship
period is to look into the future and not to run and fall.
Don’t be like the children of Israel, allow God to fulfill
His will in your life and don’t rush anything.

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2. Purity: Hebrews 12:14 Although you are close to each

other, remember you are not yet married. Avoid
careless visitation and unnecessary exposure of the
body. It can even lead to temptation and outright sin
(Exodus 28:42).

3. Edifying conversation: Colossians 4:6; Titus 2:8 All

conversation should be edifying encouraging and
helpful to one another in the light of scriptures.

4. Marriage committee should ensure by way of

counseling to the would be couple, that, it is
unscriptural for them to be reading books and holding
discussion that are reserved for married people during
courtship period. They should avoid doing so, in order
not to bring temptation to themselves.

5. The place of meeting during courtship should be in the

open and not in secret places or behind closed doors. It
is advisable that the would-be couple should use the
home of a Christian family with children for their
meeting.
6. Traveling: During courtship period, the brother and
sister are strongly advised never to travel alone when
going to see their parents .There must be a third party
with them (I Corinthians 10:31-32).

7. The marriage committee must ensure thoroughness on

the part of the would-be couple in the suggested
topics for Bible discussions such as:
a. My ideal wife (by the brother)
b. My ideal husband (by the sister)
c. Money management
d. Extended family, etc.

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e. Practical marriage plans: all sensitive areas to be well

handled
f. Combining work with home
g. Working for God and caring for home
h. Career and marriage

8. The would-be couple should be well informed by the

marriage committee that visitations to each other
should not be done for any reason, whether the other
party is living with parents or other believers.
The marriage committee will need to tell the would-be couple
that when there is a serious urgent need to go to the home of
each other, the advice is for them to go with another physically
and spiritually mature believer to witness their discussion. This
is to keep the devil away from taking advantage of them.
In all, the marriage committee should advice the would-be
couple of the need to be very careful not to allow Satan to lure
them through carelessness into immorality, thereby depriving
them of their Christian testimony. They must be mindful of the
dignity they have to preserve and virtue to exhibit (I
Thessalonians 5:22; II Timothy 2:22). The Lord has promised to
preserve all who would take heed to obey his voice (Psalm
121:7-8).
The parent’s objectives are like the tempest trial and threats
of doom. If you stand your ground and pray, you will be an
overcomer. After the sister and parent’s consent, you do not get
married immediately, there is waiting, praying and planning
time. That time is called the period of courtship.

7.7.1 Harmonization of goals and objectives during

courtship:
Courtship is a period given to planning and praying together.
You must plan for your prospective home during courtship. It is
a time when individual goals are harmonized. The brother has
his goals and the sister has hers too. The goals might be
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spiritual, social, economic, academic or physical. This is a period

to discuss as partners and companions. It is a time of sharing
and examining how best you can both fulfill your goals and
ideals in life. Examine how both of you can walk in the same
path with the least friction. You should look into how you will be
literally helpmeet for each another. You should also aim at
building a home where the children who will come through you
will develop a fulfilled life.
The next is the harmonization of your different professions. If
the sister works in a different town from where the brother
works, during courtship they both would think of how to
harmonize the locations of their places of work.
Another marriage goal you harmonize during courtship is
provision. Marriage is for provision of care, love, security and
the needs of each partner. You need to think and discuss how
you can provide for your partner, love and care for him/her
during courtship.
Another marriage goal you will harmonize during courtship is
procreation. One of God’s purposes for marriage is that you
should bear children. During courtship, you discuss the number
of children and how these children will live fulfilled lives.
Finally, purity is another marriage goal you harmonize during
courtship. Your marriage must make for purity. You must plan to
be pure in thought and action during courtship and after you
have married. You must both harmonize how you will help keep
yourself pure.

7.7.2 Problems of conflict: Two people from different family

and cultural backgrounds, different educational levels, different
life goals and ideals, different levels of consecration come
together and they want to share their lives. Courtship is not all
together a friction – free time. Though the partner is the will of
God and there is assurance and peace in your heart, yet, conflicts
can arise between the two of you. This does not mean that any of
you is not consecrated or spiritual. You need to know that the

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more you are spiritual you are, the more likely to have conflict in
courtship.
The problem of conflict in courtship can be compounded. This
could happen when one of the partners or both of them are
selfish, proud or impatient. You may ask, ‘can a Christian be
selfish, proud, harsh or impatient? The answer is, ‘Yes’. This
kind of selfishness is stirred up by excitement and enthusiasm.
When you meet for your normal discussions, each comes armed
with a catalogue of questions. Out of excitement, each wants the
other to keep quiet while s/he hears his questions answered.
This is selfishness. It will cause conflict. At some other times, it
is the problems of harshness, impatience and insensitivity to the
need of the other partner. Cold comment on late coming to your
meetings can cause conflict too.

7.7.3 Resolving Conflicts

The pre-requisite for resolving conflict in courtship is the
possession of a meek, lowly and humble spirit. Be very honest
with yourself and your partner; let your sincerity be transparent.
You must be willing to admit when you are at fault. In all
humility, ask for forgiveness from the partner when you are
wrong. As much as possible, never hurt your partner’s feeling,
rather respect, trust and admiration must abide between both of
you.
When an offence is fresh and a desire to strike back comes to
you, stop! Gracefully and carefully withdraw all statements and
attitude that will aggravate the offence. You should go to God in
prayer, and tell JESUS to help you regain your self-control.
Learn to forgive at all times, whether convenient or
inconvenient. Avoid impossible and unreasonable demands, this
leans towards selfishness, such demands stretch the patience of
your partner and eventually cause irritation.

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7.7.4 Guidelines for Effective Communication

To avoid conflicts, you could ask yourself some questions before
uttering some major and decisive statements. Some possible
questions at such times are;
(a) Is what I am saying really true?
(b)Is what I will like to say profitable for my partner? Will it
help or hurt him/her?
(c) Is this the right time to say what I have to say? Or do I
wait for a more opportune time?
(d)Is my attitude right?
(e) Is my choice of word the best in putting the ideas I have
across?
(f) Have I prayed about the matter and do I trust God to
help me in my communication?
You will find these questions rewarding if they are asked and
answered before going into sensitive areas of discussion during
courtship.
Men, generally, are ignorant in courtship while ladies are very
intelligent, observant and sharp. Ladies in courtship have seven
unspoken questions. These include:
(i) In what way does he respect me?
(ii) How does he esteem my parents?
(iii) How will he treat me after we are married?
(iv) Does he have a habit that irritates me? Is he willing to
change?
(v) How decided is he to wait until marriage before
asking for close marital intimacy?
(vi) Is he totally committed to God, His work and His
people?
(vii) Why am I afraid to tell him who I am? Is he able to
handle my personal affairs gracefully?

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When these unspoken questions receive observable answer,

the sister becomes happy, frank and cooperative ( IBTC, 33-
37)

7.8 Paying of Dowry.

Paying of dowry follows after the marriage list from the
sister’s family had been collected, studied, negotiated to remove
all unscriptural demands. This agreement will be reached by the
intending husband and the family with the supervision of the
church representative.
The importance of dowry payment cannot be
overemphasized. As aptly observed by Kumuyi (2007: 44-45),
“The custom of paying dowry is as old as the world. You must be
prepared to pay the bride-price or dowry. Sometimes they ask
for money and at other times they ask for other things that are
not monetary. Dowry varies from culture to culture … Dowry
may be in cash or in kind” (Genesis 29:18-20; 34:11-12; 1
Samuel 18:20-25; Genesis 24: 52-54).
The dowry is to be paid before the date of wedding is obtained
and before filing notice in the court. A letter from the parents
giving their go ahead to join them in holy wedlock must be
submitted to the Marriage Committee. Necessary filing of notice
should be done about two months to the date of marriage and
the Registrars’ Certificate collected and given to the Marriage
Committee seven days before the joining together. Filing could
be done in any Marriage Registry nearer to one’s residence. The
church should be involved when any member goes to pay dowry,
even if the other partner is from a different denomination.
The intending couple must ensure that they do not offer
anything that is ungodly nor give money in lieu of such or as an
equivalent. Items that are injurious to the body or intended to be
used for idolatrous purpose must not be given and neither the
money equivalent of such. When such demands are made by in-
laws, the “would-be” couples are to pray and not to compromise
(DCLM Marriage Committee Manual 11). It is of paramount

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importance, that where the engagement holds outside the

sister’s Region, they should obtain a letter of introduction for
dowry payment to the pastor of the Region (village / town) where
the ceremony will take place so he would monitor the
engagement, render necessary assistance and report back to the
Region where they come from. After the payment of dowry, the
intending couples will both go to the Marriage Registry along
with two witnesses for filing up of notice which will last for
twenty-one (21) days. Therefore, they will receive a certificate
from the Marriage Registry which they should present to the
pastor for the Church wedding. Announcement of the impending
wedding must be made three Sundays to the wedding day in the
Church (DCLM Marriage Committee Manual11).

7.9 Wedding Ceremony:

The importance place of church wedding is indicated in such
Bible references as John 2:1-11; Matthew19:6; Philippians 4:4-5;
1 Corinthians 7:31; Colossians 3:17; 2 Peter 3:14 (DCLM
Marriage Committee Manual 12 – 14). The intending couples are
expected to appear before the Marriage Committee three days to
the wedding (usually Wednesday) for final interview and
screening. Whether the ceremony will hold or not is determined
by the outcome of such interview and screening (1 Timothy 5:22;
1 Corinthians 14:40). The following should be emphasised
concerning the wedding ceremony procedure:

(a) The Priority (Matthew 5:16; 1 Corinthians 6:20):

God’s glory should be the priority. Copies of the
programme which must conform to pattern should be
cleared with the Marriage Committee before distribution.
Faithfulness demands that the wedding dress should also
get the Marriage Committee’s approval. (b) The
Significance (Genesis 2:24):
The Church wedding ceremony itself gives the intending
couple the opportunity to identify publicly their willingness

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to leave their families and to cleave to one another in Holy

Wedlock. The bride’s father (or representative of the
father, should the father be dead or incapacitated due to
old age or sickness) must be present to hand over his
daughter in marriage (Genesis 24:50, 51) to the Pastor or
his delegate, that is, the officiating minister. The
intending couples could extend invitation to as many
people as they wish, not for the purpose of pride and
wasteful spending but to preach the gospel to sinners and
edify the body of Christ (John 2:1,2; 2 Timothy 4:2
Philippians 4:5).

(c) Rehearsal: Rehearsal for the intending couples and

their witnesses will be done Wednesday preceding the
wedding date. Emphasis is on punctuality, presence of
parents or the representatives, especially the person giving
the sister in marriage. The intending couples are to be
taught by the head usher or any delegated usher, the
marching order. The “would be” bridegroom and his best-
man are to walk in freely and take their seats, while the
bride and her best-lady are to be ushered in by an usher in
a gentle and dignified manner within the prelude song or
music.

(d) Wedding Invitation Cards (John 2:1, 2):

Where wedding invitation cards are to be used, the design
should be simple and scriptural, projecting only what we
preach. Worldly and carnal pictures should not be used on
the cards.

(e) Wedding Dresses: The wedding dresses should be

modest, decent, and presentable and should be such that
could be used even after the wedding ceremony.

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(f) Programme Pamphlets: Enough programmes should be

printed for the wedding ceremony. Sufficient copies of such
pamphlets are to
be presented to the Marriage Committee a week to the
wedding date. (Two copies for MC’s file and others for
officiating ministers and sectional leaders). Duration of the
wedding ceremony should not exceed 1 hour 30 minutes
(i.e. 1½ hrs).

(g) Punctuality (Ephesians 5:15, 16): The intending

couples are to be conscious of the time of the service and
make adequate preparations to be at the venue thirty
minutes before the commencement of the service. The
“would-be” bride should ensure that her father or
representative, who should perform the “giving out in
Marriage”, is at the venue at the same time with her. We do
not have to wait for the arrival of the other invitees before
the commencement of the ceremony.

(h) Reception (I Corinthians 10:31 – 33; 7:29):

The couples may desire to have a reception for their guests
after the wedding ceremony. Where this is so, it should be very
brief, not exceeding one hour and must be scripturally
handled. The reception should be done outside the church
premises (except where it is absolutely impossible to get a place)
as we would not want a situation where the mixed multitudes in
the wedding ceremony opt to eat and drink things that do not
edify (smoking inclusive). Worldliness should not be allowed in
the reception. The following should be discouraged outright:

1. Spraying or collection of money.

2. Playing and beating of all types of traditional drums (John
17:16; 1 John 2:15-17).

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Conclusion: Where there is reception, the newly wedded

couple should be ushered out of the Church straight to the
reception venue. Thereafter, they are both expected to go to
their matrimonial home without organizing or having another
reception. We strongly emphasize the need for the couples to
attend the workers’ meeting that day if they are workers.

According to Kumuyi (2007: 48- 49), the following biblical

principles should be applied during wedding:
1. Wedding day is a joyful day, therefore, rejoice with your
friends. You cannot wed twice with a spouse in a life time.
It is only one day out of your life span (Isaiah 62:5; John
3:29). So, it is a day to rejoice. Don’t come to the wedding
ceremony as if you are unhappy. Don’t wear a long face on
your wedding day. Everybody knows that you are happy.
God expects you to rejoice on your wedding day (Psalm
19:5).

2. The second principle is closely allied to the first. While you

rejoice, tremble that you might not fall or cause others to
stumble. In Psalm 2:11, we are told to serve the Lord with
fear and rejoice with trembling.

3. Spend on your wedding day but don’t spend all that you
have. It is impossible for you to do your wedding without
spending. You might need to cook food, but don’t spend all
the money you have on feeding your guests. There is no
commandment that you must feed everybody but there is a
commandment that you must feed your wife. So watch how
you spend on your wedding ceremony.

4. Don’t start the foundation of your marriage, home, and

family with borrowing. Don’t give more than you have
(Proverbs 22:7).

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5. Pray in faith but plan with sense. You should not plan to
spend money you don’t have. Don’t strive to compete with
the Joneses in your wedding plan. At all times, bring glory
to God. Avoid vanities and remember 11 Corinthians
10:2. Avoid useless tradition of men and don’t be bound by
the unwritten law of our society.

6. Don’t try to impress people through lavish spending. If a

sister wants to marry and then she borrows all the fads,
fancies and fashions of a relative who married recently, the
wedding ceremony will be an aberration from scriptural
standards. The point here is that you should cut your coat
according to your cloth. Don’t impress people by spending
lavishly, only to suffer in the family. Remember Romans
12:2, “Be not conformed to this world.”

7. Be modest in dressing. Do all things to the glory of God

(Colossians 3:17; Philippians 4:5,6; 1 Timothy 2:9).

PROGRAMME

A CEREMONY OF MARRIAGE

ORDER OF SERVICE
For the
SOLEMNIZATION OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
Between
BRO…………………………………………………….. (The brother’s
name) And
SIS……………………………………………………….. (The sister’s name)
At
DEEPER LIFE BIBLE CHURCH
(Address of the Church)

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On (Date)
At (Time)
The marriage union is the closest relationship that can exist
between two human beings.
The uniting of two people in holy wedlock is a sacred event,
therefore the tendency to make it more of hilarity and frivolity,
dishonours God. For this reason, every one present will do all
he/she can to make the ceremony impressive, scared, dignified
and solemn.
When two born-again believers know it is God’s will for them to
marry, they come together before GOD, before a minister, and
before witnesses to join their hearts and live for as long as they
shall live. They are united by God and become as one in His
sight. They are joined together as Jesus is joined to the Church.
The world has the idea that marriage is simply legal contract. It
is a legal contract, but at the same time, it is a spiritual contract.
There is an actual miracle that takes place when two born-again
believers speak the word of faith and vow according to the word
of God.
We welcome you to this solemn celebration.
May the miracle of God’s love bring you into a place of union
with the Father, union with the Son, union with the Holy Spirit
and union with Christ’s Body the Church, in Jesus mighty Name?
Amen.

ORDER OF SERVICE
i. Prelude (song or music)
ii. Prayer
iii. Congregational Hymn (A song of Christian
marriage) iv. Scriptural Pronouncement
v.Choir Piece (special selection)
vi. Scripture Reading (Ephesians 5:20-33 or
any other relevant passages). vii. Ceremony
Giving of the Bride
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Scriptural Vows
Pronouncement viii.
Signing the Marriage Register
ix. Special Number (Special Selection – Choir,
Quartet or Duet)
10. Sermon
11. Blessing of the Union
12. Prayer (By officiating Minister)
13. Presentation
14. Congregational Hymn (A song on Christian Marriage)

SCRIPTURAL PRONOUNCEMENT
The couple to unite in marriage and the attendants will take
their places before the minister, the bridegroom on the left,
and the bride on the right of the minister who then will say.
We are gathered here to join this couple in holy wedlock, and
since we know that Almighty God is author of the institution of
marriage, that by His word this holy relationship between man
and woman was brought into existence, we do not hesitate to
proceed according to the instruction given to us in His Holy
Bible and in accordance with the law of our country.
Obedience to the law of God always brings blessing even
though we may be in temporal adversity and sorrow.
Disobedience brings displeasure of God, even in times of
seeming prosperity and happiness. Therefore our conduct
before each other either as husbands, wives or unmarried
individuals, must be regulated by God’s law if we are to enjoy
the supreme blessing of God upon our lives while we live here
on earth.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, also sanctioned the

institution of marriage by attending and taking part in the
marriage at Cana of Galilee. He further gave His approval to
marriage reminding us of some of its obligations and
privileges when He said: “For this cause shall a man leave
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father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they
twain shall be one flesh.”
The Holy Spirit has also blessed marriage and has used its
bond of love as an illustration of the much close tie that binds
the church of Christ to its Bridegroom and Master Jesus
Christ. The Bible commands, “Husbands, love your wives,
even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for
it… For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth
and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church. For we are
members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones.”

CHOIR
SCRIPTURE READING
THE CEREMONY
The minister will then address himself to the Father who is giving
the bride away and say
TO FATHER: Who giveth this woman to be married to this
man?
RESPONSE: I do
After this the father who gave the bride away will retire.
TO GROOM: (Brother’s Name), have you been born again
and made a new creature by faith in the
atoning blood of Jesus Christ?
RESPONSE: I have
The minister will then place the right hand of the bride in the
right hand of the bridegroom and turning to the bridegroom will
say:
TO GROOM (Brother’s name): Do you take (Sister’s name)
whose right hand you now hold, to be your lawfully wedded
wife? And solemnly promise, God helping you, that you will be a
true and devoted husband to her. That you will love her even as
Christ loves the church, honour, cherish, protect and care for
her for the rest of your lives? And you will keep yourself to her
and to her alone, until God by death shall separate you?
RESPONSE: I do
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MINISTER: Then turn to her and make this profession of

your faith, I, (Brother’s name), according to
the word of God, leave my father and mother
and join myself to you to be a husband to you.
From this moment forward we shall be one.
TO BRIDE: (Sister’s name) do you take (Brother’s name)
whose right hand you now hold, to be your
lawfully wedded husband? And solemnly
promise, God helping you, that you will be a
true and devoted wife to him. That you will
love him even as Christ loves the church,
honour, cherish, protect and care for him for
the rest of your lives? And you will keep
yourself to him, and to him alone, until God by
death shall separate you?
RESPONSE: I do
MINISTER: Then turn him and make this profession of your
faith, I, (Sister’s name), according to the word
of God, leave my father and mother and join
myself to you to be a wife to you. From this
moment forward we shall be one.
TO WITNESSES: Jesus said in the 18th chapter of Matthew’s
Gospel,
“Again, I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree
on earth as touching anything that they shall
ask, it shall be done for them of my Father
which is in heaven.”
You are not here just because of tradition. You are here for a
serious purpose – to bear witness forever of the “mystery” of the
union that takes place, this day, and to add your agreement
before God to that which takes place.
Don’t ever, ever, ever tamper with that agreement. From this day
forward, regardless of what comes, you are in agreement with
this union. Don’t ever attempt in any way to cause it to be
anything other than a happy union.

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PRONOUNCEMENT
TO GROOM AND BRIDE: Join right hands please
A miracle took place when you made Jesus Christ as your Lord
and Saviour. The same power of God that raised Jesus from the
dead, joined you to Jesus. I want you to understand that this day
you are joined together and become one. The same power that
joined you with Jesus when you made Him your Lord and Saviour
has, this day, joined you together. Don’t ever tamper with that
union. Don’t ever tamper with that miracle. You are one never to
be separated or divorced.
As a representative of Jesus Christ, before Almighty God and in
the name of the Father, of His Son Jesus and by the power of the
Holy Spirit of God. I now pronounce you as one together. You
are now husband and wife. From today, when you agree on
things, they will come to pass. You have awesome power at your
disposal. You are to notice a new realm of your life beginning
because of a spiritual law that says one can put a thousand to
flight, two can put ten thousand to flight. From this time
forward, your everyday life will be ten times more powerful
spiritually than ever before.

TO CONGREGATION In as much then as (Brother’s name) and

(Sister’s name) have signified that they believe with all their
hearts that it is the perfect will of God for them to be joined
together in the holy bond of matrimony, have borne witness of
this fact before God and this company and have pledged their
fidelity and love each to the other, I, by virtue of the authority
vested in me as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and by
the laws of our country now pronounce them husband and wife
in the name of the FATHER, and of the SON and of the HOLY
GHOST.
“What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put
asunder”.

SIGNING OF THE MARRIAGE REGISTER:

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(All the members of the Congregation remain quiet in an attitude

of worship as the Marriage Register is signed)
SPECIAL NUMBER
SERMON
BLESSING OF THE UNION
Galatians Chapter 3 says that Christ redeemed us from the curse
of the law, being a curse for us, so that the blessing of Abraham
might come on the Gentiles through Jesus Christ. That we might
be heirs of the promise of the Spirit.
First Peter, Chapter 3 says, a man and his wife are heirs
together of the grace of life. According to Deuteronomy, Chapter
28, all these blessings will come on you and overtake you if you
will hearken unto the voice of the Lord your God.
Blessed shall thou be in the city and blessed shall thou be in the
field, Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy
ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and
the flocks of the sheep.
Blessed shall be thy basket and thy store. Blessed shall thou be
when thou comest in, when thou goest out. The Lord shall cause
thy enemies that rise up against thee to be smitten before thy
face they shall come out against thee one way, and flee before
thee seven ways. The Lord shall command the blessing upon
thee in thy storehouses, and in all that thou settest thine hand
unto; and he shall bless thee in the land which the LORD thy
God giveth thee. The Lord thy God shall establish thee a holy
people unto himself as he has sworn unto thee, if thou shall keep
the commandments of the LORD thy God, and walk in his way.
And all people of the earth shall see that thou art called by the
name of the LORD, and they shall be afraid of thee. And the Lord
shall make thee plenteous in goods, in the fruit of the body, and
in the fruit of thy cattle, and in the fruits of thy ground and in
the Land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers to give thee.
The Lord shall open unto thee his good treasures, the work of
thine hand, and thou shall lend unto many nations, and thou
shall not borrow. And the LORD shall make thee the head, and

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not the tail, and thou shall be above only, and thou shall not be
beneath, if that thou hearken unto the commandments of the
LORD thy God, which I command thee this day, to observe and
to do them.
PRAYERS
PRESENTATION TO THE CONGREGATION
TO CONGREGATION Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the
pleasure to present to you, Brother and Sister ………………...

LECTURE 8:
THE PLACE OF MARRIAGE COMMITTEE

8.1 Introduction
The Marriage Committee in the church serves as an
intermediary body for intending couples and the church. It is to
play counseling roles to the couples- to -be and the
church/Pastor. It is never to make decision bordering on the
dowry, dress, bridesmaid, places for reception etc. for the
intending couples. Theirs is to advice, correct, lead and direct on
what are important, scriptural and God-honouring issues.

8.2 Composition of the Marriage Committee

1. The membership should be 3 Brothers and 2 Sisters

who should be coordinators.

2. All members should be married, mature and

experienced. Their spouses must be born-again and
committed members of the church. The members
must be District Coordinators or Women
Coordinators. As much as possible, these should be
representatives of members in the Group of Districts.

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3. The Group Coordinator will be the Chairman of the

group of Districts’ Marriage Committee and each
committee shall appoint a Secretary. The Chairman
shall preside over every meeting or any brother in
the Marriage Committee designated by the
Chairman when he is absent.

4. All members of the Marriage Committee must attend

each meeting except he/she is not in town or on
ground of ill health or other genuine reasons. In such
cases the chairman must be notified in advance.

5. A husband and wife should not both be members of

the Marriage Committee so as not to neglect family
care and welfare. (DCLM Marriage Committee
Manual 2).

8.3 Functions and Responsibilities of Marriage Committee

1. To regulate all marriage processes and look into all
marriage problems referred to them.

2. To counsel intending couples and assist the newly-

wedded couples.

3. To help and assist unmarried brethren in their marriage

plans from the beginning of knowing God’s will until the
marriage is contracted.

4. To handle all marriage matters in the districts including

those of unmarried coordinators. Undue delays under
any excuse must be carefully avoided. Things not clear
must be reported to the Pastor immediately.

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5. To handle all marriage matters with wisdom and

maturity as this is the foundation of the church. Care
should be taken to avoid victimization, oppression and
extra district or Group regulations.

6. To keep all marriage matters discussed in the Marriage

Committee secret and confidential.

7. To ensure as much as is humanly possible that the

salvation of those who come to the committee is genuine
before dealing with their marriage cases; where there is
doubt, to lead such to the experience and contact the
District Coordinator of the person concerned so as to
help him/her further before attending to the issue of
his / her marriage.
8. To ensure that only marriageable sisters who should be
at least 23 years (except in exceptional cases) are seen
by the intending brothers who should not be less than
25 years old. Such exceptional cases should be cleared
with the Pastor.

9. To keep record of weddings conducted in the Districts

and send copies of such records to the Pastor’s office.

10. To adhere strictly to the doctrine on marriage given by

the word of God.

11. To avoid any act or action that may be misinterpreted

as matchmaking.

12. To follow the already laid down guidelines or

principles when a brother or a sister knows the will of
God in marriage to people outside the church.

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13. To consult the Pastor for guidance on all marriage

problems the
Marriage Committee cannot handle (DCLM Marriage
Committee Manual 1-2).

8.4 Biblical Basis for Medical Interview (Leviticus 14:1-10;

13:1-5, 8, 25, 29-32, 43-46; Luke 17:14; II Samuel 3:29;
Deuteronomy 17:8-11.)
There had been arguments against the importance, relevance
and even biblical basis for medical interview / tests before
marriage. However, in Leviticus 14:1 we see how God
prescribed necessary observations by the priests to ascertain if a
man, house etc have leprosy. This is not far from medical test of
nowadays.
With prevalent epidemic and pandemic diseases
/sicknesses today, it is not out of place to check up if an
intending couple has any of such sicknesses with modern
civilization, technologies, scientific and medical breakthroughs
and discoveries so as to forestall the other couple inheriting or
being contaminated with such sickness. It will avert an
unforeseen, untimely or premature death which may result from
such sickness. It will help the couples to enjoy their marriage
instead of living in misery and regret after marriage, or having
only to spend their resources on sicknesses. However, the
recent global awareness and acceptance of medical tests before
marriage by churches, NGOs and government programmes are
encouraging.
In summary, what we have learnt thus far include:
1. God gave the Standard for their health.
2. The priest ensured that the standard was maintained to
check the spread of any epidemic.
3. The people were faithful in reporting their medical
condition to the priests. There were no cover-ups.
4. Obedience to the instructions of the priest made the people
healthier.
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5. God’s laws helped them avoid not only physical

contamination but moral and spiritual infection as well.

8.5 Recommended Tests for Intending Couples.

The Medical tests are in the following areas:
(1) Venereal Diseases - This is another destroyer
acquired through immoral practices. It can have a
permanent effect on the fertility of the carrier.
(2) Diabetes
(3) Blood Group
(4) Genotype (AA is compatible with any other while AS
is not compatible with AS).
(5) Thalassemia - Inherited as Autosomal trait.
Thalassaemia are killers diseases. Those who suffer from
these deficiencies are usually thin and fragile.
(6) HIV1 & 11 (Any positive result here disqualifies the
applicant completely).
(7) Hepatitis B & C (This should be fully investigated by
a doctor before advising the church).
(8) Rhesus Rh+, affect the woman negatively during
pregnancy. (Those who test positive here should receive
medical advice on the treatment to forestall problems
thereafter).
(9) Pregnancy Test - Before wedding, pregnancy test
should be done by the woman to ascertain that she is not
wedded while she is pregnant (DCLM Marriage Committee
Manual 26).

8.6 The Essence of Medical Test

1. The physical purity and health of the family can be

preserved.

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2. In Africa, there is so much emphasis on bearing children

and parents mounting pressure on their children. Who
knows very soon they might want to see proof of the
medical fitness of their would-be son/daughter-in-law.
The church must go ahead to take measures to prevent
future problems (legal cases).

3. The trauma of losing 2 to 3 children in succession to

sickle cell disease is a terrible experience. Test that can
give earlier warnings can help.

4. There may be those who may have had AIDS before

conversion and the problem might have remained
dormant. If the individual does not know, he/she may get
married in the church. The future
for such a family will be catastrophic except there is
divine intervention.

5. If tests are not done to warn intending couples, they may

turn round to accuse God when the chips are down.

6. Problems such as JUVENILE DIABETES can drain the

finances of the young family and make the victim a
permanent liability to the spouse.

If these tests are carried out, and the partners are fully aware
of the consequences, and choose to exercise faith and
prayerfully cope, that decision should be theirs to take. Luke
14:28-32 ( IBTC, 99).

UNIT 2 SELF ASSESSMENT EXERCISE

1. What are the necessary areas that require maturity
before marriage?

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2. Enumerate the unscriptural methods some people

adopt in knowing God’s will in marriage.
3. State the scriptural methods of knowing God’s will in
Marrige.
4. Mention Rabbi Dov’s practical cautions against
choosing a spouse by blind love.
5. Highlight the Biblical principles necessary for
application during wedding.
6. What are the composition and functions of marriage
committee?
7. Discuss the Biblical basis for medical test. What are
those recommended tests?

UNIT 3:
THE CHRISTIAN HOME

Objectives: At the end of this unit, the students should be able

to:
i. State the responsibilities of both Christian husband and
wife.
ii. Explain how money can well be managed in the home
iii. Highlight the family expenditure and savings

LECTURE 9: FUNCTION OF COUPLES IN THE HOME.

9.1 Introduction
The Christian home should be a heaven-on-earth. There must be
love, unity, submission, forgiveness, care for one another in the

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home of Christians. The husband and wife are people who are
united in heart, united in aim, united in objectives. They share
mutual comfort and true fellowship in a totally free atmosphere –
free of conflict, strife and division Kumuyi (2007: 114).

9.2 Responsibilities of the Husband in the Home

(i) Husband’s Affectionate Love (Ephesians 5:28-31): This is

part of the marriage vow. This kind of love should be real
and not sham, manifesting itself in a thoughtful courtesy,
politeness and gentleness toward the wife.

(ii) The Husband’s Unselfishness: The husband should be

ready to risk his life for that of the family. He should not
desert the family in times of sickness, problem and
challenges of life. (Cross 3- 5).

(iii) The Husband’s Provision for the Family (1Tim. 5:8): It

is the responsibility of the husband to be the bread winner
for the home. He should provide for the needs of the family.

(iv) The Husband’s Protection and Exposure of the

Family: The Husband must give a balanced exposure of the
family and protection to the family.
(v) The Husband as the Head: As father and husband he
leads in the training of the children; providing fellowship in
the family.

(vi) The husband should live an exemplary life in all aspects for
the family- devotion to God, love, care, hard-work,
hospitality, etc.

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9.3 Responsibilities of the Wife in the Home (Proverbs

31:13).
(1) She should love her husband and children (Titus 2:4).
(2) She should reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:33)
(3) She should be submissive to her husband (Colossian 3:18).
(4) Keeping and managing the house, to make the home a
heaven on earth.
(5) Cook good food for the home. One cannot be a successful
wife if she is a dropout in the kitchen. A godly woman is the
homely woman. To be the owner of your home, you must know
how to win the heart of your man. The best way to win the
heart of your man is to be able to satisfy his dietary
preferences. It is often said that “the road to the heart of a
man is through the kitchen door. If you must be a successful
wife then learn the act of cooking. If you fail to feed your man,
he will soon be fed up with you. Learn to cook all the local
foods your husband loves to eat. Your academic qualification
or social status is nothing if you are a ‘drop out’ in the
kitchen”. (Christian Women Mirror, 13).
(6) Support and be a companion for the husband. Talking about
what husbands need most from their wives, Morley (120) says,
“more than anything your husband needs and wants a life long
partner and companion”.
(7) Pray always for the family.

9.4 Responsibilities of Parents (Father/Mother):

As cited in Okon (16 -18), Vera Mace outlines seven duties
Christian parents owe their children. These are:
(1) Educate Your Children for Eternity: By doing this,
parents, according to him, bring into existence a soul that
is destined to live forever. They are to do this by telling
them in plain and simple language about God, about
heaven, about sin, about Jesus the Saviour, and eternity.

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(2) Give Your Children a Sound Body and Good Physical

Training: Parents are to see to it that their children get
wholesome food, good pure air, good sound sleep at night,
good and honest study, even good exercise, innocent fun
and plenty more.

(3) Support Your Spouse and Give Your Children a

Sound
Education:
Christian parents do not need to get out of patience with
their children’s many questions. They are rather to
answer them all patiently. They should also send them to
school, watch their progress, and provide them with the
necessary books. Giving our children sound education in
these ways, according to Mace, augurs well for the future
of our home, church and state.

(4) Support Your Spouse and Teach Them to be

Obedient:
It is only in this way parents can heed the injunctions of the
Scriptures (Proverbs 22:15; 19:18; 29:15-17).

(5) Make the Home Pleasant and Attractive to Your

Children:
Parents are to make their homes much like heaven to their
children. By so doing, you make it pleasant and attractive
to yourselves. Cultivate in your children a love for beauty
of nature, flowers and beauty of art.

(6) Sympathize with Your Children and Teach Them to

Confide in You: Parents should get down to the level of
the children by recalling their own childhood, and living it
over again in them. Correct them kindly, lovingly,
carefully, not in anger and not to
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provoke them. Let them confide in you, talk freely with

them about their plans and hopes. Explain to them the
relation of sexes, and teach them to look forward to a
marital life.
(7) Pray for Your Children: Pray that God would watch
over them and keep them from the evil that would beset
their path. Pray for your children by name. Take them
with you to the house of God regularly. By so doing, they
will rise to high positions, and be loved by all. They will
rise and call their parents blessed at old age, and you will
lean upon them with gladness and joy, for the painstaking
care.

LECTURE 10:
MONEY MANAGEMENT IN MARRIAGE

10.1 Introduction
Money occupies a decisive position in the family. It is one of the
strongest dependent factors of a radiant marriage (Kumuyi, 75).
Money must however be put at its proper place as a servant,
not a sovereign and as a means of providing for the comfort of
the family and not as a master. When money is exalted to sit on
the throne of the heart and occupies the central place in the
family, it causes a string of problems.

10.2 Budgeting In the Family

Budgeting, in its simplest form, is the analysis of needs before
embarking on expenditure. It is to estimate or plan on how
money will be spent over a period of time, in relation to the
amount of money available and the needs of the people involved.
Budgeting helps the family to guard against waste, undirected
expenditure, borrowing, buying on credit, impulsive buying and
wobbly investments (IBTC, 107-108). According to Benson (205-
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209), a realistic budget meets not only our current needs but also
provides a cushion fund for the future. He suggested that, in
making a budget, the husband and the wife should sit down with
pencil and paper and ask themselves the following questions:
1. What do we have coming in each month?

2. What are our fixed expenses? Fixed expenses are those

regular monthly expenditures that are virtually not
optional for the circumstances you have chosen to live.
They include house rent, car and health insurance, tithes
and savings.

3. What is left for our variable (day-to-day) expenses?

Mathematically put: Monthly Total Income - Monthly Fixed
Expenses = Variable
Expenses

4. How can we most wisely spend that amount? Variable

expenses could be divided into regular variable expenses
and optional variable expenses based on priorities.

10.3 Sources of Family

Income Psalm 1:1-3;
2Thessalonians 3:10.
From the above passages of the Bible and numerous others, the
following facts concerning man’s sources of income for his
sustenance and comfort can be gleaned:
1. God expects man to engage in righteous labour so as to
continue enjoying the necessities of life.

2. To be blessed by God, we must be willing to work with our

hands, because He does not bless idle hands.

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3. There is no shortcut to riches. Poverty comes with

slothfulness while riches come with diligence.

4. Busybody, disorderliness and methodical begging are

debasing sins and they come with laziness.
5. There is no such thing as joblessness despite the
community or city in which we live.

In IBTC guide, seven practical principles that can lead us to

stay afloat financially include:
Principle 1: Identification of human needs such as food, shelter,
clothes, health and happiness. These needs of man should be the
main purpose for creativity and productivity. We should think
about how these needs can be met as that is the very essence of
business.
Principle 2: Innovation of strategic method – this involves the
introduction of novel ideas, methods and strategies. Innovations
are products of meditation (Joshua 1:8)
Principle 3: Plans for action – we must make an up-to-date, stage
by stage and day by day plan for work. Remember that without
plans dreams die. Principle 4: Implicit faith in God – Faith in God
will carry you beyond your present limits and station in life
(1Samuel 2:8).
Principle 5: Industry and hard work (Proverbs 22:29). This is a
glaring characteristic of all great achievers.
Principle 6: Integrity – this is the secret of success in business
and promotion as it gains the confidence of customers or
employers (Daniel
6:2, 3).
Principle 7: Iron will – this means to be determined, persistent
and persevering. The road to success is not plain, there may
occur one or two hurdles to cross. Only the tough-minded
optimists like Joseph, Gideon and Paul will stay on to see the

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actualization of their dreams (Genesis 50:19-21; Judges 8:4; Acts

20:22-24).
Guina (2-3) suggested the following alternative sources of
income:
a. Dividends – cash payments that are distributed from
stock companies to their shareholders on regular
basis.

b. Side Business – something done to create income

outside of normal work hours.

c. Seasonal income – from businesses that peak during a

certain part of the year. An example is selling of
Christmas tree lights.

d. Rental income – having rental properties like houses,

plastic chairs and tables, canopies etc.

e. Part-time Job – though not for everybody, it offers

extra money, training experiences, an extended
network, and health and education benefits.

f. Royalties and Patents – recurring payments for a one-

time effort.

10.4 Avoiding the “Get-Rich-Quick” Virus

These are the perilous times and the predicted events in the
word of God (Luke 21:5-11) – wars, commotions, earthquakes,
pestilences, famine and lawlessness have drastically affected the
global economy that we hear words like global economic
recession or melt-down. Others talk about working smart and
having fast cash without laying a solid economic foundation
through diligence. The temptation can therefore come to the
Christian to join the band-wagon of getting rich quickly without

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sweat. Burkett (89-90) gives five basic, scriptural principles of

how to avoid getrich-quick schemes:
1. Stick with what you know (Proverbs 24:3). A great part of
wisdom, he said, is recognizing our limitations.

2. Don’t risk borrowed money (Proverbs 27:12)

3. Buy investments with utility i.e. buying something of use to

someone else (Proverbs 31:16, 24)

4. Don’t make quick decisions (Proverbs 21:5). The very

essence of get-rich-quick scheme is emotionalism and
developing an attitude of covetousness in the buyer.

5. Seek godly counsel (Proverbs 12:15).

Lecture 11:
FAMILY EXPENDITURE AND SAVINGS

11.1 Introduction
In talking about money management skills, three basic areas are
involved: sourcing of money, spending of money and saving of
money. There are roughly four groups into which we can put all
workers and business people:
1. Good income, good spending with savings – these will
comfortably experience financial freedom.

2. Good income, poor spending without savings – these will

for a while live comfortably and later with much struggle
but are headed for financial crisis.

3. Poor income, good spending with savings – though with

painful sacrifices and deficient living conditions, they will
experience steady financial growth and eventually financial
freedom.

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4. Poor income, poor spending without savings – these will

remain in poverty, distress, discontent and debt. These will
remain slaves as observed by the Roman author, Publilius
Syrus: “Debt is the slavery of the free” - (Proverbs 22:7;
21:20; 1Timothy 6:9, 10).

11.2 Wrong Ways of Sourcing, Spending and Saving Money

in the
Family
Below are some unwise and problematic ways of sourcing,
spending or saving money in the family:
1. Ambition to accumulate wealth keeps the man or woman
outside the home; denying the family love, time and care.

2. Envying – the desire to be like the Joneses – leads to

irrational spending. Do not measure your standard of
living by your neighbour’s (Psalm 73:2).
3. Disagreement between husband and wife on the use of
fund. Why? Each member has a different perspective,
different set of priorities and different interests.

4. Selfishness in the handling of money i.e. the practice of

the husband or the wife caring for himself or herself at
the expense of the family.

5. Over-indulgence and covetousness (Proverbs 21:17).

6. Shaky and shady investments – investments made on the

spur of the moment almost always lead to loss of money
(Proverbs
28:20, 22).

7. Unwise purchases based on couple’s whims, spurred by

advertisers’ methods and messages.
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8. At the other extreme of unwise purchase is the

preference to save and suffer. Bulky bank account with
discontentment and lack of basic conveniences at home
is undesirable.

9. Carnal, sinful spending on women outside the home is a

locust on the family finance (Proverbs 29:3).

10. The idea of operating habitually in credit system and

borrowing makes the family finance perpetually
imbalanced.

11. Problems will also arise if the partners fail to discuss

family financial undertakings mutually.

12. The absence of a family budget leads to uncontrolled

spending, unplanned expenditure and squandering
Kumuyi,
(76-78).

The question which may be relevant at this point is how can a

couple determine that they have problems with their pattern of
expenditure in the family? Kumuyi (78-79) answered this
question by giving a family finance test.

11.3 Family Finance Test

Check each statement and circle T (True) or F (False) as it
applies to you. After completing the test, follow the instruction
below.

1 T F I owe for small day-to-day expenditures

such as groceries because I don’t have
money to pay for them.
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2 T F I have to borrow money to pay fixed

expenses such as house rents, installment
payments, electricity bill.
3 T F I am unable to say how much money I need
for my monthly regular expenses.
4 T F I shuffle funds around, using cash originally
set aside for other purposes.
5 T F I now borrow money to buy items which I
used to buy with cash.
6 T F I take new loans to settle old loans.
7 T F I find it necessary to rely on extra income
to make ends meet.
8 T F I have been repeatedly unsuccessful to save
for near-future needs.
9 T F I have been having frequent arguments
arising from money with my partner.
10 T F I engage in suspicious or dishonest money
dealing in order to provide for myself or the
family.
11 T F My list of “Things-I’ve-just-got-to-have”
keeps growing, no matter how many of the
items I have bought.
12 T F I find myself hesitant and unwilling to tithe
my income or give to someone in need.

Sum up the number of Ts and the number of Fs you have and

enter it.
T F
If the answers for T are more than the answers for F, you have
problems in family spending.

11.4 The 10-20-70 Plan

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If you have discovered that you have problems with your family
expenditure and savings, the above plan recommended by
Frohlich (1-6) is worth trying. He said the plan is balanced, and
sustainable and aimed at measured spending, debt reduction
and savings. According to him this plan entails the following:
1. Save 10% of your net pay.
2. Pay 20% of your to debt.
3. Spend 70% to live joyfully.

Here is an example of a budget drawn by Pat who earns

N5,000.00 monthly.

1. Tithe 500.00
2. Savings 500.00
3. Debt 300.00
4. Rent 500.00
5. Electrical Bill 200.00
6. Transportation 1,000.00
7. Feeding 1,500.00
8. Charity 200.00
9. Miscellaneous 300.00

This is just to serve as a guide; you can work out your own as
it seems convenient. Do not wait until you have millions, start
now that you have little; for if you cannot manage well the
little you have, there is no assurance that you will be able to
manage much (IBTC, 105).

UNIT 3 SELF ASSESSMENT EXERCISE

1. What are the basic responsibilities of husband, mother and
parents at home?

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2. Many couples court problems at home because of

mismanagement of money. How can finances be managed
in a Christian home?
3. Analyze some unwise and problematic ways of sourcing,
spending or saving money in the family.
4. List some profitable trades a believer can engage in to
enhance family income.
5. Explain 10-20-70 plan

UNIT 4:
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PECULIAR PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

Objectives: At the end of this unit, the students should be able

to:
i. List the peculiar problems facing marriage couples.
ii. Explain how individual differences in marriage can be
harmonized. iii. State the role of love and submission in the
family.
iv. Explain how communication gaps can be bridged in the
home.

LECTURE 12:
HANDLING PECULIAR PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

12.1 Introduction
According to Whitney (1) there are many things which can place
a strain on the family bonds: Health concerns, psychological
disorders, disciplinary issues with the children and financial
problems. Corroborating Whitney, Vpaulose (1-3) listed
economic reasons, relational reasons, parenting-related reasons,
psychological reasons, migrationrelated reasons and lifestyle
related reasons as six fatal reasons that threaten families today.
Couples must depend on the wisdom of God to handle these
peculiar problems scripturally, if they desire to continuously
enjoy the blessedness of marriage.

12.2 Delays in Childbearing

Events in some parts of the world (especially the developed
countries like United States of America, United Kingdom, and
Australia etc.) show that childlessness in marriage is no longer
an issue as they now talk about childfree marriage or voluntary
childlessness (Wikipedia). However, involuntary childlessness is
still a cause for alarm in many parts of the world. Boyle S.

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Jeremy writing on the hurt of childlessness said: “childlessness

can cause stress on a couple's personal, social, and sex lives.
The anger and disappointment that often accompanies
childlessness can rub off on the marital companionship, and
cause couples to blame one another …”(1). The major cause of
childlessness is infertility which can be handled prayerfully and
medically. The unwholesome principles and practices of the
world with respect to childlessness should not affect the
believer’s faith in the word of God for perfect solution:

1. There is no such thing as barrenness or infertility among

the people of God. Thus we rightly refer to the absence of
children in the home after a specified period of marriage
as delayed childbearing. This does not imply a personal
decision to delay bearing children in order to pursue other
life goals considered important, but the period it takes for
the Christian couple to wait patiently for the fulfillment of
the promise of God. (Exodus 23:26). This truth was
corroborated by Emeasoba (5), “We must realize that
delayed pregnancy/fertility is not the same as infertility or
barrenness, but a lot of couples out of ignorance or lack of
patience rebaptizes it as infertility or childlessness.” In the
Holy Bible legitimately and scripturally married holy
sisters like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel,
Manoah’s wife, Hannah, Shunammite woman, Michal and
Elizabeth experienced delayed childbearing. All, except
Michal (because of despising her husband), had children.
2. The length of the time we wait for the blessing of the fruit
of the womb or the age of the couple is irrelevant, when
God determines to do His wonders, “… for they shall not
be ashamed that wait for me” (Isaiah 49:23). He did it for
Abraham and Sarah after they waited for twenty five years
being one hundred years and ninety years old respectively
(Genesis 21:1-7).
3. The sex of a child (male or female) gives no intrinsic value
to the child. It is the scriptural upbringing, holistic training
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and the opportunities offered to the child by God that

determines the value of that child to the family, church and
society. Female children are not inferior to male children.
The exploits of Deborah – wife of Lapidoth, Esther – the
wife of Ahasuerus, the daughters of Zelophehad, Joan of
Arc, Florence Nightingale, Aimee Semple McPherson and
Catherine Booth readily come to mind.
4. The unscriptural and unhealthy attitudes of worry, anxiety,
envy, strife and carnal competition among sinners and
backsliders should
not be seen in a Christian family. There should rather be
faith, hope, patience and praises like the inspired record
concerning Abraham (Romans 4:17-21).
5. Seek godly counsel from matured Christian leaders and
qualified medical personnel for necessary scriptural and
scientific knowledge (Proverbs 15:22; Jeremiah 8:22).

12.3 Encroachment of In-Laws

After marriage, God expects the couple to quit intimate
relationship and sharing with all those who hitherto enjoyed
such relationship with them (Genesis 2:21-24). These may be
caring parents (i.e. in-laws), concerned people or counselling
pastors. Cleaving of the husband and wife will only become
effective after leaving these three groups of people. In most
cases however, parents will not leave their married children
alone to learn, adjust and grow. They still will want to oversee or
monitor them thinking it their exclusive duty to care for their
married children (Kumuyi, 52). Consequently they become
encroaching in-laws instead of encouraging inlaws. How best
can we handle the problem of encroaching in-laws? Fredrick (1)
suggested the following tactful strategies for dealing with pushy
or encroaching in-laws.
1. Talk to your spouse about the problem that you are having
with the in-laws. Be clear about what you see as the
problem. Differentiate between behaviours that you see as

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unsuitable toward yourself, your spouse or your children

so that your partner clearly sees where the issue lies, if it
is not already clear to both of you.
2. Agree with your spouse to come up with rules that the in-
laws must follow, or that both of you agree to follow when
dealing with in-laws. Decide what is important to you and
make sure that you stick to those rules, and that you
require your in-laws to do so as well. For instance, you
might have parenting priorities that you need to ensure
your in-laws follow when around your children.
3. The spouse should relate with the in-laws the way s/he
relates with his or her own relatives.
4. Work on your own relationship with your family members.
Sometimes in-laws become problematic when they feel
their own relationship with their relative is being
threatened by the marriage. Spend time together and
assure your family that you still care for them and that
they are an important part of your life.
5. Try to be objective about the issues at hand. Objectiveness
is often lost in the heat of loyalty to a parent or family
member, or to a spouse. To preserve all the relationships
in the family, take a step back and carefully examine when
an in-law is being pushy, and rationally and calmly explain
why that certain behavior is unacceptable. Make it clear
that the problem is not how you feel about that person or
your relationship, just a particular behavior. According to
Phil (1) sticking with your spouse, means you also stick
with your in-laws. This is particularly true in most African
cultures where you do not only marry your spouse, but his
or her family as well (Fredrick 1). The following are some
of Phil’s advice for dealing with the new extended family:

 There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married

and start your own family, that's where your primary
loyalty needs to be.

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 Good fences make good neighbours. Your in-laws need to

be your neighbours and there need to be really good fences
up. Set boundaries about when they are and are not invited
into your lives.
 Once you've set boundaries, talk to your parents about
them. They're not as fragile as you may think.
 If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it's the
husband who needs to step in and help fix it. Likewise, if a
husband doesn't see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife
needs to step in. The person with the primary relationship
(the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the
messenger.
 Negotiate with your own partner the role that you want
your inlaws to have. Don't assume you're on the same page
until you talk about it.
 Try not to criticize your spouse for his/her relationship with
his/her parent. It may only lead to more clinginess or
complications.
 You need to love your parents, and have a rich and active
relationship with them, but any time that you turn away
from your partner to resolve a relationship issue, that's a
bad thing. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need
to resolve it in the marriage.
 Keep in mind that your parents only know what you tell
them. If you go to them every time you're angry, and
frustrated and having problems in your marriage, they
hear that, but they don't hear when you make up.

12.4 Inadequate Finance

Lack of money or inadequate finance came first in a 2009 Gallup
poll list of the most important financial problems families face.
Others were excess debt, the cost of owning or renting a home,
job loss and healthcare cost (Whitney 1). What then are causes
and results of inadequate finance? What steps can a family take

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to surmount this thorny problem of inadequate finance? Whitney

(1-2) gives answers to these important questions.

(j) Causes:
a. Lack of good money management skills
b. Unwise decisions about how to use income and credit.
c. Uncontrollable factors such as unemployment.
d. Lack of communication between the husband and wife
can cause problems when shopping gets out of control.
e. Addiction, emotional problems and stress that lead to
irrational spending patterns.

(ii) Result:
a. Stress as a result of unsatisfied pressing basic
needs, much thinking and fear of the troubles from
creditors.
b. Fight over spending habits instead of searching for
solutions to their money-related issues.
c. Sometimes disagreements over money become so
severe that they lead to divorce.
(iii) Prevention/Solution:
a. Seek for a good and godly financial advice
b. Create a budget to eliminate debt and save money.
c. Implement good record keeping practices.
d. Establish priorities and stick to them.
e. Create a safety net - families should have a savings
account with 6 months’ worth of living expenses in
case of sudden job loss or other unforeseen
circumstances.

12.5 Ill Health of Spouse

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It is commonly said that health is wealth. This is obviously true

because in health we can make wealth but in illness we either
waste wealth or the wealth becomes of no use to us. “There is
an evil which I have seen under the sun, and it is common
among men: A man to whom God hath given riches,
wealth, and honour, so that he wanteth nothing for his
soul of all that he desireth, yet God giveth him not power
to eat thereof, but a stranger eateth it: this is vanity, and
it is an evil disease” (Ecclesiastes 6:1, 2). God’s will is that all
His children should be in health. “Beloved, I wish above all
things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as
thy soul prospereth” (3John 1:2). There are, however, various
stations in life and illness may strike for several reasons – age,
accidental, genetic or environmental. What are the options
available to the Christian if his or her spouse becomes
chronically ill?
Very few marriages survive the chronic illness of a partner,
simply because most people are unprepared for coping with
chronic illness (Susan 1). The divorce rate among the chronically
ill is 75%. Approximately one out of every two people is dealing
with a chronic illness either directly or indirectly (WD 1). The
illness at home does not only affect the patient but all other
members of the family: the care-giver- spouse and the children.

12.6 Effects on the Ill Spouse

 A chronically ill partner may not reveal their true feelings
about their illness, so as not to scare the healthy partner.
 Fears about becoming more sick or disabled are a frequent
occurrence.
 Many chronically ill people suffer from guilt. They may feel
guilty for not being able to contribute to the financial,
emotional and intimacy needs of their spouse as they once
could.
 Chronically ill people can actually begin to blame
themselves for becoming sick, thinking that they are getting
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what they deserve, or they may resent the fact that their
spouse is able to carry on with all their normal activities
while the ill person cannot
 A chronically ill person may become depressed if they feel
like they have become a burden to their spouse.
 They may find it extremely difficult to shift from an
independent lifestyle to one that is dependent upon others.
 With all these feelings of guilt and shame, the person
suffering from chronic illness may begin to emotionally
distance him/herself from the spouse, friends and family
members (Susan 1).
What then? Should the ill spouse give up and passively resign to
fate? The answer is NO! Pattiann (2-3) advised from her
personal experience that the person must do everything in his or
her power to be as healthy as he or she can, given the
limitations. This means:
 Exercising when possible
 Proper use of medications
 Keeping the weight to a healthy level
 Eating properly to strengthen the body
 Getting proper sleep and maintaining a healthy spiritual
life.
 Keeping a healthy and active sense of humor. Learning to
laugh at limitations rather than brood about them

 Your sex life will also change when chronic illness hits.
Typically in most chronic illnesses the libido is affected
drastically and sex is the last thing on the patient's mind.
 Mood swings can be a big part of dealing with chronic
illness. What the ill patient might find amusing one minute
might anger them the next. Hormone changes and
dysfunctions commonly cause the mood swings too (WD 1).
12.7 Effects on the Healthy Spouse

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It's easy for chronically ill patients to only think about what they
are going through and how hard the illness is on them. After all,
they are the ones who are suffering.
 But we also have to remember that when we are sick, our
families have to deal with the emotional baggage that we
carry plus pick up the extra physical load that we're not
able to carry (WD 1).

 A healthy partner is likely to feel helpless over not being

able to heal the person with the chronic illness. Difficulties
could arise when shifting perspective away from "fixing" to
one of "managing" the illness.

 The healthy partner oftentimes will feel depressed over the

loss of normal life they once enjoyed with their spouse.

 They might become angry at the situation, and feel like this
is not what they signed up for.

 In addition, the healthy spouse may become overwhelmed

by caring for the needs of the chronically ill spouse.

 The healthy spouse may view themselves as weak for not

being able to handle everything on their own.

 They may also feel abandoned by the sick spouse, or feel

that their needs are no longer being met, and this can lead
to resentment and more guilt. However, they might never
express their negative emotions out of guilt for what they
are feeling (Susan1).

12.8 Effects of Illness on the Marriage

Illness can have social, psychological, emotional, physical and
physiological effects on marriage:
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1. Being a caregiver-spouse is very demanding and can be a

great burden regardless of how much you love the person
(WD 1).

2. Chronic illness can change the lifestyle of a formerly active

couple who enjoyed going out together and having a good
time, that quickly. There will be need for adjustment by the
caregiver-spouse when the ill patient has to back out of
planned events and their social life comes to a screeching
halt (WD 1)

3. It can drastically affect a couple's financial life, strain their

emotional bond, and alter their intimate relationship (Susan
1).

12.9 Coping with the Illness of a Partner

Illness places great stresses on marriage partners and except
they are properly and wisely handled, the couple will either
separate or divorce if they are not heaven-bound Christians, or
they would only endure the marriage which was designed by
God to be enjoyed. There might be grief for the changes in
marriage relationship and future plans (Susan 1). How then can
a couple cope with chronic illness in the family? Below are five
important ways suggested by WD for the family to cope with
illness and remain happy and fulfilled:
1. Communicate. Communication is the most important key
in making any relationship work, whether chronic illness is
involved or not. The spouse needs to be willing to just
listen when the patient wants to talk. The patient often just
wants someone that they can vent to and who will listen to
them. Communication is especially important when chronic
illness affects the couple's sex life. The spouse may take
the rejection personally and think that you intentionally do
not want to have sex with them. According to Susan (1),

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the couple should also have open dialogue on how to

handle the illness, the finances, the care of children or
other family members, new needs created by the chronic
illness and old needs to feelings of abandonment, isolation,
desperation, anger, guilt and depression.
2. Don't be too hard on your spouse. If your spouse has to
take care of the house, the laundry, the cooking and the
children, don't be too hard on them if they do not do the
job as perfect as you would if you were able. Thank your
spouse often for all that they do and make them feel
special and loved because they are doing their best to
help.

3. Meet with the doctor together. It is important for the

patient and their spouse to attend some doctor's
appointments together. It will be a good education for the
spouse and a chance for them to learn about the chronic
illness.

4. Counseling. Professional counseling or going to your

church for counseling is important.

5. Most importantly, love each other and don't give up.

Remember why you fell in love and appreciate that that
person is still in there underneath the illness. Make time
for each other to just be alone and enjoy each other's
company (WD 1).

12.10 The problem of Menopause

Menopause is a normal condition that all women experience as
they age. The term "menopause" can describe any of the
changes a woman goes through either just before or after she
stops menstruating, marking the end of her reproductive period.

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i. What Causes Menopause?

A woman is born with a finite number of eggs, which are stored
in the ovaries. The ovaries also make the hormones, estrogen
and progesterone, which control menstruation and ovulation.
Menopause happens when the ovaries no longer release egg
every month and menstruation stops. Menopause is considered a
normal part of aging when it happens after the age of 40. But
some women can go through menopause early, either as a result
of surgery, such as hysterectomy, or damage to the ovaries,
such as from chemotherapy. Menopause that happens before 40,
regardless of the cause, is called premature menopause.

ii. How Does Natural Menopause Happen?

Natural menopause is not brought on by any type of medical or
surgical treatment. The process is gradual and has three stages:
a) Perimenopause. This typically begins several years
before menopause, when the ovaries gradually make
less estrogen. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause,
the point when the ovaries stop releasing eggs. In the
last 1 to 2 years of perimenopause, the drop in estrogen
quickens. At this stage, many women have menopause
symptoms.

b) Menopause. This is the point when it's been a year

since a woman last had her last menstrual period. At
this stage, the ovaries have stopped releasing eggs and
making most of their estrogen.

c) Postmenopause. These are the years after menopause.

During this stage, menopausal symptoms such as hot
flashes ease for most women. But health risks related to
the loss of estrogen rise as the woman ages.

iii. What Conditions Cause Premature Menopause?

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Premature menopause can be the result of genetics,

autoimmune disorders, or medical procedures. Other conditions
that may cause early menopause include:

(a) Premature ovarian failure. Normally, the ovaries

make both estrogen and progesterone. Changes in the levels
of these two hormones happen when the ovaries, for unknown
reasons, prematurely stop releasing eggs. When this happens
before the age of 40, it's called premature ovarian failure.
Unlike premature menopause, premature ovarian failure is
not always permanent.
(b) Induced menopause. "Induced" menopause
happens when the ovaries are surgically removed for medical
reasons, such as uterine cancer or endometriosis. Induced
menopause can also result from damage to the ovaries caused
by radiation or chemotherapy.

iv. What Are the Symptoms of Menopause?

Most women approaching menopause or who are
postmenopausal will have hot flashes, a sudden feeling of
warmth that spreads over the upper body, often with blushing
and some sweating. The severity of hot flashes varies from mild
in most women to severe in others.
Other common symptoms around the time of menopause include:
• Irregular or skipped periods
• Insomnia
• Mood swings
• Fatigue
• Depression
• Irritability
• Racing heart
• Headaches
• Joint and muscle aches and pains

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• Changes in libido (sex drive)

• Vaginal dryness
• Bladder control problems
N/B: Not all women get all of these symptoms.( Online)

12.11 Unconverted Children

The fruit of the womb soon becomes the facilitator of worry and
the field of warfare in the family when they are unconverted. “A
foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare
him” (Proverbs 17:25). The result is that parents become
desperate for the conversion of their children to relieve their
sorrows, restore their joy and give them the hope of heaven.
However, the salvation of a soul does not result from the will
and actions of men. Souls are born into the family of God “… not
of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of
God (John 1:13).
Although salvation is the work of God and not something that we
can do for our children, we can do the following things:
1. Connecting them to challenging Christian brethren that
could serve as role models

2. Have a healthy parent-child relationship. Make positive

confessions and avoid negative criticisms, comparison,
insinuations, nagging and mud-slinging.

3. Passionate and persistent supplication unto God for their

salvation

4. Genuine love for the children

5. Regular family devotion, church attendance

6. Inculcating in them the habit of reading by building a good

children library
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7. Starting early – bringing them up in the nurture and

admonition of the LORD.

Kumuyi (100) said children will be well-trained and

will turn out to be happy, successful, godly and useful if
the parents or trainers will seriously consider the following
seven areas:
i. Parental Example (Ezekiel 16:44).
ii. Persuasive Exhortation (Proverbs
1:8). iii. Positive Encouragement
(Ephesians 6:4). iv. Prompt
Explanation (Hebrews 12:6).
v. Pleasant Experiences (Luke 15:7). vi. Profitable Exercise
(1Timothy 4:8).
vii. Practical Education – an acronym with a broad range of
essential virtues and ingredients for child training.

12.12 Cultural Differences

Culture may be defined as shared beliefs and values of a group.
It is the customs, practices and social behaviour of a particular
nation or people (Culture 1). Cultural differences are
experienced in mixed marriages i.e. the marriage of a couple
with different cultural, ethnic, or national heritages or
backgrounds (Sheri and Steritof). Cultural differences may
become a blessing or a curse depending on the maturity and
understanding of the couple. Since the culture of a people also
include their way of worship or religion, it is pertinent to state
here that no born again Christian should ever contemplate inter-
faith marriage or marrying anyone that is not born again
(including nominal Christians) as this will displease God and
serve as a permanent source of sorrow and temptation.
Marrying another Christian of like precious faith makes you and
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your spouse joint heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17). This shared
identity, enabled by honest communication, transforms your
differences from liabilities to assets by leveraging cultural
strengths. Your marital diversity covers one another's
weaknesses, broadens your ideas, models healthy conflict
resolution and extends your reach for ministry (Arnold, online).
Despite these blessings cross-cultural marriages still pose great
challenges. According to Arnold, marrying your spouse means
marrying his or her culture too and culture influences nearly
every important aspects of marriage - communication style,
boundary setting, elderly care, parenting, gender roles, food
preferences, biblical interpretation and even worship style. He
consequently suggested ten tips for protecting Cross-Cultural
Marriages:
1. Prioritize your spiritual identity as a Christ follower over
your cultural identity.

2. Prioritize understanding over judging.

3. Do not minimize what your spouse maximizes. (If your

spouse thinks it is important, it is!)

4. Everything important to you should be explained to your

spouse rather than assumed.
5. Honor and value your spouse's parents and extended
family.
6. Negotiate boundaries with your extended families that are
acceptable to each of you. (Caution: In a healthy marriage,
parental loyalty should never exceed spousal loyalty.)

7. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. (Grace asks that
you assume the best of your spouse rather than the worst.)

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8. Embrace your identity as a cross-cultural person. (Value the

fact that you represent the fusion of two cultures that
enhances your perspective.)

9. Integrate elements of your respective cultures in your daily

living (e.g. food, language).

10. Pray daily for the wisdom, grace and patience

necessary to treat your spouse with trust and respect.

LECTURE 13:
HARMONIZING INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES IN MARRIAGE

13.1 Introduction
“Every man is in certain respects (a) like all other men, (b) like
some other men, (c) like no other man" (Wikipedia ). This quote
implies that although all men belong to the specific group Homo
sapiens and have some biological commonness, they are not one
hundred percent similar but each individual has his or her
uniqueness - called individual differences. These differences
exist in factors such as personality, intelligence, memory, body
size, sex, age, motivation, ability, IQ, interest, values, self-
concept, selfefficacy, and self-esteem (Wikipedia ) . Moreover,
men and women who become one in marriage are remarkably
different. The Bible does not gloss over this truth as it calls the
woman a weaker vessel and commands the man to dwell with
her according to knowledge. “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with
them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as
unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace
of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1Peter 3:7).
Lockerz (2) affirmed that most marital difficulties centre around
the fact that men and women are totally different. He said that
these differences are so extreme that without a concentrated
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effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a

happy marriage. This observation was also supported by Burress
(1) who said “understanding the differences between how men
and women think, speak and communicate, will effectively
improve your personal relationships with those you care about.”
What then accounts for this world of difference between a man
and a woman? Lockerz (2) gives two reasons:
1. According to James Dobson Tthere is strong evidence
indicating the “seat” of the emotions in a man’s brain is
wired differently than in a woman’s” (qtd in Lockerz
online).

2. Virtually every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome

makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body.
Lockerz (2) proceeded to give specific differences between
men and women in the emotional, physical and sexual
domains. The farreaching implications of these differences
are clear to the thoughtful and discerning minds.

13.2 Mental/Emotional Differences

1. Women tend to be more personal than men. Women have a
deeper interest in people and feelings —building
relationships —while men tend to be more preoccupied with
practicalities that can be understood through logical
deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer
oriented —competing for dominance.

2. Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building

intimate relationships, both with God and with others.

3. Women tend to find their identity in close relationships,

while men gain their identity through vocations.
4. Men tend to express their hostility through physical
violence,while women tend to be more verbally expressive.

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13.3 Physical Differences

Below are some of the findings of Paul Popenoe, founder of the
American Institute of Family Relations, of the biological
differences between the sexes (qtd in Lockerz online).

i. Women have greater constitutional vitality, perhaps

because of their unique chromosome makeup. Normally,
females outlive males by three or four years in the U.S.

ii. Women’s metabolism is normally lower than men’s.

iii. Men and women differ in skeletal structure, women

having shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin,
shorter legs, and longer trunk.
iv. Women have larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix
than men, but smaller lungs.

v. Women have several unique and important functions:

menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. Women’s hormones
are of a different type and more numerous than men’s.

vi. Women’s thyroid is larger and more active. It enlarges

during pregnancy and menstruation; makes women more
prone to goiter; provides resistance to cold; is associated
with their smoothskinned, relatively hairless body and
thick layer of subcutaneous fat.

vii. Women’s blood contains more water and 20 percent

fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the
body cells, women get tired more easily and are more
prone to faint.

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viii. On the average, men possess 50 percent more brute

strength than women (40 percent of a men’s body weight
is muscle; 23 percent of women’s).

ix. Women’s heart beats more rapidly (average 80 beats per

minute vs. 72 for men). Women’s blood pressure (10
points lower than men’s) varies from minute to minute,
but they have less tendency toward high blood pressure
—at least until after menopause.

x. Women’s vital capacity or breathing power is significantly

lower than men’s.

xi. Women withstand high temperatures better than men

because their metabolism slows down less.

13.4 Sexual Differences

i. A woman’s sexual drive tends to be related to her
menstrual cycle, while a man’s drive is fairly constant. The
hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulating a
man’s sexual desire.

ii. A woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic

words. She is far more attracted by a man’s personality,
while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less
discriminating about those to whom he is physically
attracted.

iii. While a man needs little or no preparations for sex, a

woman often needs hours of emotional and mental
preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily
remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time.
These basic differences, which usually surface soon after the
wedding, are the source of many conflicts in marriage (Lockerz,

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1). Therefore, the understanding of these differences is

important to maintaining harmony in relationships (Schreiner,
1). The important question at this point is, how can a couple live
with these differences in peace and harmony? Dennis and
Barbara advice married person from their personal experiences:
1. Pray for yourself. Begin by praying for yourself. Ask God
to make you content with your mate as he or she is. Pray, too,
that God will show you the positive side of your mate’s
apparently negative quality. Ask God to examine your attitudes
and your motives, and to give you a greater capacity to
understand and accept your mate’s differences.

2. Talk about it with your mate. Ask for the privilege of

being heard. Tell your mate you’re not rejecting him or her in
this area of difference and that you remain committed. Assure
him or her of your love no matter what. If your mate is willing to
talk about the difference that’s bothering you, share your
feelings without accusing him or her and pointing the finger of
blame. Don’t be critical. Let your mate know you’re not perfect
and that you want understanding in that area. If your mate
considers the difference a weakness, ask if you can help. Then,
at the end of your discussion, remind your mate again of your
commitment and acceptance.

3. Tutor your mate with his or her permission. It may be

in areas such as punctuality, patience with children, planning,
feelings of discouragement and depression. If your mate has
granted you permission to help, ask God for wisdom on how to
help. Offer your assistance in such a way that your mate
experiences your acceptance and in no way senses rejection.

4. Ignore them. Some of the differences that annoy you may

not be weaknesses in your mate. Commit those differences to
the Lord in prayer, asking Him to give you peace and
contentment to live with them, even if your mate never changes.

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Choose to ignore the differences that are off limits and

seemingly beyond change, and rejoice over the many benefits
you enjoy because of your partner’s strengths and your
relationship together.

LECTURE 14:
ROLE OF LOVE AND SUBMISSION

14.1 Introduction
One of the secrets of living in peace and harmony despite
individual differences is mutual love and submission. “And
above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for
charity shall cover the multitude of sins” (1Peter 4:8).
“Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder.
Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed
with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth
grace to the humble” (1Peter 5:5). This love is so strong that
disappointments and contrary circumstances cannot quench it.
“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods
drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his
house for love, it would utterly be contemned” (Song 8:7). It
is the Christ-like love that is selfless, sacrificial and
unconditional. The excellent way of charity described in
1Corinthians 13:4-8:
Charity suffereth long, Charity is kind, Charity envieth not,
Charity vaunteth not itself, Charity is not puffed up, Charity doth
not behave itself unseemly, Charity seeketh not her own, Charity
is not easily provoked, Charity thinketh no evil, Charity rejoiceth
not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, Charity beareth all

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things, Charity believeth all things, Charity hopeth all things,

Charity endureth all things, Charity never faileth.
Finally, Lee (1) was correct when he said that “acceptance and
understanding is the key” to overcome individual differences in
marriage. The reason is simple: acceptance and understanding
are key elements of love.

14.2 Potency of Forgiveness

Benson (169), commenting on the magnetic power of
forgiveness said asking for forgiveness is one of the most
humbling, yet most gratifying acts you can perform for your
marriage. He said time cannot heal wounds but simply gives the
hurt more opportunity to plant roots. Genuine forgiveness on the
other hand comes with an outflow of all guilt, tension and
resentment that could have poisoned the relationship. Husbands
and wives, sinners and Christians need forgiveness – first from
God and then from their spouses. Kumuyi (73-74) noted that
Christians are scarred to ask for forgiveness so that they would
not be called backsliders. He referred to this attitude as a
mistake and a reflection of warped understanding and gave six
instances in which a Christian spouse needs to ask for
forgiveness:
1. If you have not manifested the fruit of the Spirit towards
your spouse.

2. If you have not been happy and joyful enough at home.

3. If you have not been caring for your spouse as you have
been towards new converts.

4. If you have not been patient enough with your partner and
children as you have been patient with counsellees in the
church.
5. If you have not exercised enough self-control towards your
spouse and children.
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6. If you have ruled your home with an iron hand.

Apology must be gentle, loving, sincere and tendered in the
spirit of meekness without excusing yourself of whatever wrong
you have committed (Kumuyi 75). The only response of a spouse
to an apology is to forgive and forget. It will be rude and
unscriptural to rebuke your spouse, warn him or her for the last
time, remind your mate of how many times the fault has been
repeated, suspect the gesture as fake or savour in a sense of
victory over your mate at the instance of his or her apology. This
was why the apostles cried to the LORD to increase their faith
(Luke 17:5). Forgiveness is the first step in repairing or
restoring relationships and true forgiveness is found only from
having faith in Jesus Christ (Lewis 1-2). Moreover, the Christian
spouse should keep in mind that forgiveness is not a feeling but
a decision. It is a determination to avoid the harder
consequences of the alternative and start on a clean state to
begin creating a more positive future (Weiner-Davis 2).
Ngozi (1-3) describing forgiveness as one of the pillars of a
successful marriage, gives seven reasons why there must be
forgiveness in marriage:
1. Love - If you really love your spouse you will forgive him or
her. “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we
were yet sinners, Christ died for us” – (Romans 5:8).

2. Reciprocation - You are also liable to err. You are to do to

people (including your spouse) what you would want them to do
to you. Christ said in Luke 6:37, “judge not, and ye shall not be
judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive,
and ye shall be forgiven”.

3. Gift to yourself - Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

When you are holding your spouse down in your heart in un-
forgiveness, you are also holding yourself down. You are
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hindering your own progress. Let go and move on. To enjoy your
marital blessings you need to walk in forgiveness in marriage.

4. Evidence of maturity and strength - Marriage is not for

boys and girls but for men and women. It takes being matured
spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically to be able to
forgive your spouse and enjoy a successful marriage. It takes
maturity for you to think beyond your hurt feelings and work
towards a lasting relationship. And as Mahatma Gandhi said,
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong” (qtd in Ngozi).

5. To avoid consequences of unforgiveness - unforgiveness is a

force that has the power to influence, affect or control you and
your future negatively. This force is so deadly that it has ruined
many marriages, relationships, careers, businesses, led many to
their sick beds and many to their early graves. This deadly force
drains your energy, wastes your time for more profitable
ventures. King Solomon said in Song of Solomon 2:15, “Take us
the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines
have tender grapes,” We should remove the little fox of un-
forgiveness from our marriages.
6. Family role modeling - The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 that
we should “train up a child in the way he should go: and when
he is old, he will not depart from it.” It is wisdom to apply the
act of forgiveness in your relationship with your spouse for the
sake of your children. They will grow to do exactly what they
learned from you. Forgiveness in marriage is a seed you sow
also in the lives of your little ones. It will grow to produce same
in their marital lives. Your children’s future is worth all the
effort you invest in securing a successful marriage.

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7. Lasting relationship - Couples don’t get married with the

intention to jump out of the relationship shortly after exchanging
the vows. It is the irrational and uninformed reaction to
challenges (like offences) that lead to broken marriages.
Understanding and employing the power of forgiveness will
strengthen any marriage and keep it far from thoughts of
divorce or separation.

LECTURE 15:
BRIDGING COMMUNICATION GAPS

15.1 Introduction
According to Mutolib(2-3) “relationship is about
communication”. This is an obvious truth since individual
differences exist in any relationship and the only way to make
these differences known is to share or exchange information
which is communication. A successful marriage relationship
demands that, the communication gap between partners on one
hand and between parents and children on the other hand be
bridged.

15.2 Element of Effective Communication in Marriage

The following factors were suggested by Mutolib (2-3) for
spouses to take into consideration in order to have effective
communication and to build a lasting and loving relationship
devoid of insincerity, rancour and other problems.
1. Building trust and honesty: In order to build trust and
honesty, both parties must demonstrate high sense of
responsibility, maturity towards each other. Your
intentions, actions should be clearly stated and you should
be able to answer your spouse’s phone calls, read his/her
text messages without any restrictions. Doing all these will
boost the trust and bridge communication gaps.

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2. Reduce external influence: Thousands of relationships

have broken up as a result of influence from friends and
families, news from dailies and magazines. To have a
sustainable relationship, both parties should feel free to
bare their minds and shun information from friends or
news from newspaper. In case there is any issue on
ground, your spouse should be the first contact and not
your friend, this will enable both partners to settle their
rift within short period of time.

3. Be a good listener and good talker: You should be able to

listen carefully before making judgments and never be a
judge in your own case. Also learn to control your emotions
whenever you are hurt and never talk with passion each
time you have to talk. Ability to control your emotion and
keep quiet when you are angry will save your relationship
from going down the drain. You can say sorry as many
times as possible if that will be appealing and soothing to
your spouse. Stop bringing up dead issues again once it
has been earlier resolved.

4. Do pleasurable things with your spouse: Take your time to

do some pleasant things with your spouse; take her out for
shopping, cook together, share some meals, help mowing
the lawn to doing dishes, buy romantic gifts, crack jokes,
watch movies even take bath in a tub together to boost the
bond between two of you.

5. Learn to respect your spouse, show your feelings as a

human being, stop nagging at him/her, bury your ego and
learn to share things together always.

15.3 Tips on How to Face Communication Strife in

Marriage Young (1-2) shared 20 tips with professionals (also

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applicable to marriages) on how to ease communication strife

and function more effectively.
1. Give someone a break. You may not agree with them, but
you can consider that “other things” may be going on in
their world that you are not aware of.

2. Avoid looking at a disagreement or gap with the mindset

that there will be a winner and a loser. Instead focus on
what both parties want and how you can achieve a
positive outcome for everyone involved. This is called a
compromise.

3. Leave your ego at the door. Handle issues and challenges

for everyone to benefit. Do not take things personal.

4. Be open to other opinions. There is no man on earth that

knows everything. Listen without judgment. Be open to
new ideas, perspectives, insights and information.

5. Choose your words carefully. Hasty communication can

spell trouble.

6. Look for similarities. Don’t focus on what is dividing you.

Instead work to find common ground that will bring
people together.

7. Ask good questions. The core reason for the conflict may
be buried. You will only get to the heart of the matter and
be able to work through it if you can politely uncover the
root of the issue.

8. Forget about raising your voice. The only time you should
yell is if the building is on fire. If others raise their voices,

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lower yours. It’s a powerful communication tool that can

ease tension.

9. Slow down the conversation. This will enable you to digest

what is being discussed without having to rush to answer
or possibly misspeak.

10. Work with the facts. Don’t make assumptions.

11. Begin sentences with the word “I.” When you start a
sentence with the word “You”, people automatically
become defensive.

12. Admit when you are wrong. Own up to your mistake,

apologize, and move on. This is what adults do.

13. Avoid emotional words such as “believe” and “love” when

describing your position or opinion. This is business, it is
not a soap opera.

14. Agree to take a break if necessary. If you seem to be at a

stalemate, suggest a five minutes break to get fresh air,
and then resume your discussion.

15. Try not to interrupt. Allow people to finish their thoughts

and sentences. You’ll get your turn - one voice at a time.

16. Smile. The expression you wear on your face can be more
powerful than your words.

17. Cut to the chase(Go straight to the point). Ask the loaded
question, “What is the outcome you’re looking for?” Be
sure to listen to the response.
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18. Show compassion. Empathy, congeniality, and

thoughtfulness are critical life skills.

19. Pay attention to verbal cues and clues. We communicate

through our senses or modalities. People are generally
visual, auditory, or kinesthetic communicators. Once you
communicate in the same modality, you’ll be able to build
rapport.

20. Listen first, and then respond. Don’t be distracted

thinking about your answer while the other person is
speaking. Be courteous and hear them out. Then take a
moment to gather your thoughts and respond.

UNIT 4 SELF ASSESSMENT EXERCISE

(a) Discuss the peculiar problems in marriage and how to solve
them.
(b) State how to harmonize the individual differences in
marriage
(c) What part does love play in the home as highlighted in 1
Corinthians 13?
(d) Mention the reasons why forgiveness is the strong pillar in
marriage as stated by Ngozi.
(e) Explain the factors spouses need to consider in order to
have effective communication.
(f) Enumerate the professional tips that can ease
communication strife.

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