RELATIONSHIPS

Oscar Morales

ACTS 29
COMPETENCIES
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Biblical Foundations
Healthy relationships are evidence of godly Christian character. When we read Colossians, we
find foundational guidelines on relationships and social contexts based on a godly character.
Paul explains early in the book who Jesus is and how the readers have been raised to a new
life in him (1-2:13). Paul then goes on to explain the implications of this beautiful truth by
contrasting the old way of living and the new life evidenced in Christ (3:5-11). He shows how,
because of that contrast, we can see very specific guidelines for our social relationships in
the church, marriage, family and work (3:12-4:6).

The context of what Paul is teaching gives us great clarity on our inability to do this apart
from being in Christ. The power of the gospel in the life of the believer leads her to put on
Jesus Christ, as Paul describes in 3:10 (Romans 13:14, Ephesians 4:24), and enables her to
reflect the gospel in every aspect of her social life.

One of the main filters for church planters in Acts 29 is the evidence of a godly character
reflected in healthy relationships, as is clearly described in the Competencies section.
Healthy relationships are evident when the candidate:

1. Establishes & maintains, as far as is possible, healthy relationships with Christians

& non-Christians (Romans 12:18; Colossians 4:5-6; 1 Timothy 3:7; 2 Timothy 2:24-25;
1 Peter 2:12)
2. Takes initiative to meet new people (Romans 15:2; 1 Corinthians 9:19-23; 1 Timothy
3:2; Titus 1:8)
3. Willing to initiate conversation with & listen to others (Proverbs 18:13; 19:20;
James 1:19)
4. Shows empathy & compassion (Psalm 86:15; Matthew 9:35-36; 14:14; 22:39; Mark
1:40-41; John 11:33-35; Romans 12:15; 1 Peter 3:8; 4:8; 1 John 3:17)
5. Displays patience & sincerity (Psalms 37:7; Romans 2:7; Galatians 5:22; Colossians
1:11; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; James 1:3-4; 5:7-8)

Just as he did to the Colossians, Paul writes to the Church in Ephesus to show them the
implications of life in Christ after having explained that the Gentiles have been reconciled to
God and brought into his kingdom. In the closing chapters (4-6), Paul explains how believers
should live in the unity and peace accomplished through Christ (2:11-22). He emphasizes
the oneness of God´s people (4:1-6). The material in these verses might reflect an early
Christian confession of faith found in 1 Corinthians 8:6.

Paul exhorts the church to live a life worthy of the call of God by walking in humility,
gentleness and patience. He then says believers should be “bearing with one another” (v.2)
which is not an easy task. In fact, without the Spirit of God dwelling in us, it is impossible.
Unity of the Spirit (4:3) refers to unity that can only exist because of the work of the Holy
Spirit teaching us, pushing us and enabling us to be like Christ.

In Philippians 2:1-11, Paul encourages the church to continue practicing love and humility
among one another pointing to Jesus as the ultimate example of self-emptying love in

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regards to the context of relationships. The hymn that we found in verses 5-11 might have
been composed by Paul, or it could be from an early Christian liturgy in the church.

Paul uses rhetorical expressions to call the church that has received encouragement in Christ
to have the same love and to be in full accord of one mind. Paul’s main argument in these
first verses is that if believers cannot live in unity, humility and love, the power of the gospel
will be questioned and will lose credibility among people. The Greek word “sympsychos”
means to share the same attitude and mindset. This mindset and attitude are then described
by Paul, who then explains that this was the attitude and mindset of our Lord Jesus Christ
in coming down to earth to save his elect.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more
significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but
also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in
Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God
a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being
born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by
becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has
highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that
at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the
earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the
Father. (Philippians 2:3-11)

At the end, Paul alludes to Isaiah 45:23 in order to describe the worshiping of Jesus and the
power of the gospel on display in response to the humble-loving-caring attitude of Christ,
for the glory of the Father and our salvation.

It is very clear in the Bible that unity, love, and humility in the context of social relations are
a clear evidence of a righteous and Christian character. Such character cannot be shown nor
molded if we do not have the spirit of God dwelling in us, moving us to act as our Lord Jesus
Christ. Therefore, it is an oxymoron to say that a godly man of God who wants to preach the
gospel and plant churches would be a man who does not attach great importance to the
subject of social relations and unity, love and humility in the midst of them.

Theological Reflection
When we talk about a theological basis of social relationships we can think about three main
frameworks.

First, the Trinity: When we talk about the Trinity we are talking about the doctrine of God,
who God is. Our understanding of all doctrines find their starting point in our understanding
of who God is. If we are wrong about who God is, we will get everything else wrong. The
doctrine of the Trinity teaches us that there is only one God who eternally exists in three
Persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; and that these three are one God, having
the same nature and attributes, and worthy of precisely the same worship, confidence,

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and obedience. (Matthew 3:16, 17; Matthew 28:19, 20; Mark 12:29; John 1:14; Acts 5:3, 4;
2 Corinthians 13:14).

The Trinity has eternally existed in perfect love, unity and divine relationship between the
Father, Holy Spirit and the Son. There is no doubt that the human being was created in the
image and likeness of God. All humankind is born with an intrinsic need to relate to other
people. Many aspects of our humanity (such as the relational aspect) reveal the image of
God in the human being. (Genesis 1:27)

Second, sin has both vertical and horizontal implications: Because of sin (Genesis 3) we see
a huge difference between the holiness of God’s character and our own as human beings.
All humankind has fallen short of that holiness (Romans 3:23) through our rejection of God
in our lives.

When we read Genesis 3:13-16, 23-24, right after our fathers sinned by disobeying God's
word, we see two immediate implications of our rebellion against the authority of the word
given by a sovereign God:

• Relationships between human beings are broken;

• Perfect communion with God is broken.

Before sin entered the world there was perfect harmony in relationships vertically and
horizontally. There was harmony in their relationship with God, between them and with the
whole of creation. Sin breaks that harmony and, since Genesis 3, all relationships are not the
same anymore. When Adam is questioned by God about his behavior, he blames Eve for the
whole incident. Instead of assuming responsibility for their actions, Adam does not have the
slightest problem in blaming Eve if it can save him from the consequences of his actions. Sin
has broken the relationship between them; it has opened a gap and changed the nature of
the relationship. Genesis 3 helps us remember that it is the Christian cosmogony that gives
us the light of why relations between us are so complex and can even become so painful and
destructive (broken). All of us have experienced, or are experiencing right now, the pain of
broken relationships. This brokenness in relationships can even happen with those who we
love most and are closest to us, like parents, siblings, and children, family in general.

Since the rebellion of humankind, relationships are no longer as they used to be. We have all
suffered from what others have done to us and, at the same time, we have caused physical,
emotional or spiritual suffering to other human beings. It becomes even more dramatic
when those who are supposed to care for, nourish and love are our main source of suffering
and even abuse.

Our relationship skills are broken because of sin. Not only horizontally, but vertically. Man
and woman are expelled from Eden, from the very presence of God, because of sin. God is
serious about sin and his holiness cannot tolerate it. They are separated from the presence
and glory of God, and unless there was an intermediary that would pay the ultimate price for
their sins, the first Adam and all his descendants would be separated by all eternity from the
presence of God because of their own sin. However, we see the first shadows of the Gospel
in that same chapter when in Genesis 3:15 they are given the protoevangelium and later, in

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verse 21, God sheds blood from an animal (as a shadow of Christ on the cross) to clothe
Adam and Eve who were in shame due to their nakedness (their sin).

Third, the Gospel: The gospel is God's answer to sin. God fulfills in the gospel what he
promised to Adam and his descendants through covenants made with the human race by
promising an intermediary, a Savior. This Savior, Jesus Christ, is the one who lives a life
without sin and gives his life on a cross to forgive the sins of all who, by grace, have put their
faith in him. This is the theological essence of all relationships. It is through the cross that
today we can restore our horizontal relationships and the most important relationship of any
human being: our relationship with God.

While we are still living in a fallen world, relationships remain imperfect. But those of us who
have placed our faith in the merits of Christ on the cross and have been empowered by the
Holy Spirit can walk in a new life, as a new person, who seeks unity, love, humility and to
serve those around them in every relationship they may have. It is through the gospel that
we are empowered to bring the truth of Jesus into our relationships and it is through the
gospel that today we have access to God’s throne of grace in communion with him.

Cultural Engagement
About 15 years ago, I used to listen to a pastor from a large congregation in my country
almost every day through the radio. I considered his teachings a blessing and filled with
knowledge. So one day I decided to go to his church to learn a little bit more about him and
probably ask him a few questions, if possible. When I got there, I sat down as the service
started, but I could not see the pastor. At the very end of the worship time a lady went up
to give some announcements and then she introduced the pastor. The pastor stepped out
of one of the doors next to the stage along with three other people. These people were
dressed in the same way and had a walkie-talkie in their hands, one of them carrying a Bible,
which he gave to the pastor after leading him to the pulpit. These guys were what we now
know as "shepherd squires (armor bearers)", something that, at that time, I had no idea what
it meant. After the pastor came up, the lady handed him a glass of water and, along with the
three squires, sat in chairs on the stage, just behind the pastor.

Years later, through several friends, I found out that this pastor used to tell people clearly
and constantly that he didn’t want to be approached by anyone. He said that his job was to
preach and nothing else, he did not have the time nor did he like to greet or talk with too
many people. He stated that the reason for having this team of people (squires) was so they
would ensure that no one approached him after having preached.

This is one of many cases in my country of a shepherd who does not shepherd.

Can anyone be called to a pastoral office without being relational? Sadly, this is very common
in our churches today. But should it be so? The pastoral call described in the Word of God is
a serious call from which we will all account for (Hebrews 13:17). It is a call, in most cases, to
suffer together with Christ (1 Corinthians 16:8-9, 2 Corinthians 1:8-11; 4:8-11; 6:3-5; 11:16-33). It
is also a call that God warns us not to take lightly (James 3:1). In addition to all this, the Bible

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also gives us the characteristics of those who seek this calling, along with a description of
the responsibilities of this call (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1, 1 Peter 5). The fact that God, in his infinite
wisdom and sovereignty, has used the metaphor of a "shepherd of a flock" to describe the
work of the elders in the church is by no means a coincidence. Not only that, Jesus himself is
described as "the Good Shepherd" (John 10). This is one of the greatest responsibilities and
privileges God has given us (1 Peter 5:3; John 21:15-19). But with all of this, another question
arises.

Why are there shepherds who do not shepherd in our culture?

There may be several reasons: emotional problems, fear of man, fear of conflicts, immaturity,
inexperience, or the worst and most dangerous reason of all, simple indifference. In the end,
they believe they are called to teach, occupy the pulpit, be admired excessively, receive all
kinds of praise and applause, yet it is God’s job to keep them from having to get their hands
dirty with the people God has allowed them to be in their care!

At the end of the day, I believe the root problem is the same: they have not understood
what it means to be a pastor. Shepherding is not an easy or part-time task. Shepherding
involves time, effort, patience, and, above all, love for the flock. It is curious that Jesus, in his
conversation with Peter (John 21:15-17), used two words to emphasize the work that Peter
would have to do in response to his love of him: feed my lambs, tend my sheep, feed my
sheep.

When Christ is not sitting on the throne of our heart completely, we will always love other
things more than him and his word. We will love people and experiences more than him. We
will demand admiration, position, leadership, recognition, and so on; all things that, from the
beginning of the world, the devil himself offered to our first parents: "... you will be like God"
(Gen. 3:5), and Jesus himself "... all these I will give you, IF YOU WILL FALL DOWN AND
WORSHIP ME” — and disobey God’s word (Matthew 4:9).

Let’s pay attention to Jesus’ conversation with Peter. The competency to be relational and
shepherd the flock was the mark of his love for Jesus. How can someone who calls himself a
pastor say he does not have the time or the urge to seek, listen or be with people? May God
forgive us and have mercy on us!

When we see our culture and how much it has influenced our churches I always remember
a quote brought to my attention by Ed Stetzer:

"When the Greeks got the gospel they turned it into a philosophy, when the Romans
got it they turned it into a government, when the Europeans got it they turned it into
a culture; when the Americans got it they turned it into an enterprise."
(Richard C. Halverson)1

1 http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2012/october/whats-deal-w-church-growth-movement-part-2-
some.html.
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Missional Significance
Relational competence is highly relevant to church planting for several reasons.

First, it reflects the pastoral heart of a minister of God who loves the gospel.

We live in times when pastoral ministry has become an excuse to feed egos and build our own
kingdoms. The last thing pastors want in their work is to have to be intentionally relational
with people. While it is true that this should not be above other things a minister is called to
do, it is a skill that must be a pillar for the planting of a church, by proving our love for the
flourishing of the gospel through discipleship and intentional relationships.

Secondly, it responds to one of the greatest needs of the human heart.

Most people are accustomed to seeing many pastors from afar. This relational competency
allows the pastor to bring greater weight alongside the gospel to those who are pursuing
an honest and helpful relationship. In so doing, there will be growth in holiness and in the
knowledge of God. There are so many books, shows, talks and workshops on the topic of
relationships. They have insights, tips and ideas, but being able to show the gospel through
a relationship turns gospel-focused relationships into an instrument for the salvation of
many, through honest and intentional relationships.

In third place, when we plant churches one of the tools God graciously gives to us is the ability
to know, love, serve and minister to people that we probably did not know before. Week
after week, we will have the opportunity to know new people and be able to serve them and
preach the gospel to them. The ability and competence to be relational is essential in church
planting. Not just at the beginning, but throughout all of our life. The godly relationships we
cultivate will make us grow in the knowledge of Christ and our sanctification. Relationships
are crucial to our Christian life.

In my experience, living life together through missional community groups, where

relationships are nurtured through friendship in Christ, is the most powerful missionary tool
we can experience. Together in these groups, as the body of Christ living on mission and
seeking to relate intentionally with other people, we can do much more than what we can
achieve on a Sunday morning where the church meets to worship God.

According to Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another”. Not
everything is great when it comes to relationships. We will always have conflict in the midst
of relationships. Conflict is inevitable, but when we approach it biblically it becomes a
sanctifying tool for the Christian life. The problem is that we don’t always see it that way
and then we are afraid to tell people how we feel and tend to run away from confrontation.
Another reason to run away from conflict is because we don’t live our life setting our minds
on the things from above (Colossians 3:2). When we live a gospel-centered life we will
always reflect God's character to others, and we will see conflict as an opportunity.

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This subject is of high importance in Jesus’ sermon in Matthew 5. Jesus taught that unresolved
relationship issues take more importance before God than bringing our gifts at the altar. In
this chapter Jesus is even teaching us that if we remember that our brother (implying he’s
a Christian too) has something against us we have to go and make peace with him. He even
goes on to say that irrational anger equals murder (v.22).

Can you imagine what this means for us as pastors if we are always irritated about people
trying to have a relationship with us? Or if we don’t reflect God's character when we face
conflict? Instead of seeing the opportunity of showing the gospel and growing together in
holiness, we run away from it and think it is something we shouldn’t be involved in.

If we are honest, at the end of the day, all human beings (intentionally or unintentionally)
are part of lifelong relationships. The most interesting thing is that most of the time we will
seek to run away from conflict but many times we seek to relate to someone even though
that person is not of our total enjoyment. For instance, the coach at the gym who constantly
yells and challenges us so that we might be able to do things better and be healthy and in
shape. Many times it can be a bit irritating or tiring. We don’t want to get up early in the
morning because we know it will be tough, but we do it, because we know that in spite
of the annoying coach, it’s for our own good. In the end, we keep spending time with the
person who is helping us even though we sometimes don’t like it that much. How much more
then should we seek this relational competence when we are planting and growing churches
because we know that we are the ones who have received from the Lord the message of the
gospel that is the absolute solution to the lost hearts of this world?

In our obedience to the great commandment given to us in Matthew 28 we have to be able

to understand how God can use us as instruments to share the gospel message through
our love for others (even though we do not know them). In fact, just as being relational in
shepherding the flock was the mark of Peter's love for Jesus, it is also the mark of anyone
who considers himself a Christian, cf. John 13:35, “by this all people will know that you are
my disciples, if you have love for one another”.

Whoever says that he doesn’t want/need to be relational in ministry is in danger of denying

his understanding and love for the gospel.

Further reading and reflection questions are available at acts29.com/competencies.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by
Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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