Linkedin
COLD DM
REWRITE
How it works
We will review and rewrite
a Cold DM Jérémy has received
PS: Jérémy is one of the best sales
creators on LinkedIn, follow him!
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
THE COLD DM
(yes, it’s super messy)
Jérémy’s review
Unsolicited pitch-slap: skipping the “hope you’re
well” line, he then starts right away with his pitch. It's
not because someone accepts your connection
request that they want to be pitched. Nobody likes to
be pitched anyway.
Self-centred: "At COMPANY we..." is the WORSE line in
cold messaging. Period. It's not about you, it's about
your prospect. Make it relevant to them, only.
Generic: except for my name, nothing is about me or
a problem I could have eventually in my business.
Poor targeting: definitely the biggest problem.
They're pitching me a wide offer of IT services, from
cyber security to blockchain (really?). That's great, but
a really quick research on TC9 would show that I
absolutely don't need that kind of services.
Bad CTA: asking for a call right away is the best way
to fail. In cold DMs, you need to prove that you're
trustworthy first.
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Noam’s review
Unnecessary intro: No need to introduce yourself
in a LinkedIn DM. Your name and company are
right there.
No research: Jeremy runs an agency. That’s easy
to find. Nothing in the message shows you looked
into that. It feels like a lazy, copy-paste pitch.
Too much filler: Listing every possible tech
buzzword (AI, Blockchain, mobile apps…) sounds
unfocused. Instead of listing services, ask a smart
question.
No credibility: There’s no proof of past work or
results. Why should someone trust or reply to you?
Weak CTA: Asking for a “quick intro call” too soon
feels pushy. You haven’t built interest yet.
The message is too long, too self-focused, and
clearly not personalized.
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Jérémy’s
rewrite
"Hi Jérémy, love your last post about Clay
systems. I've learned a lot thanks to you!
I've been curious so I checked on your profile, and
loved what you're doing with the Allbound
approach at TC9!
While reading your website, I realized that you
used a template to build it.
We recently reshaped "SIMILAR AGENCY OWNER"'s
website and they 2x their conversion rate.
I'd love to do the same for you!
Worth a chat?"
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Why it’s better:
Compliment: starting with a compliment on
something specific is a good way to show that
did your research AND that you're a nice person.
Win-win.
Personalized: using the right vocabulary with
"Allbound" makes you closer to your target. And
show your interest in them, again. (this line is
optional btw)
Relevant: they're not trying to sell me a random
IT stuff this time. But a web developper who
could actually make my life better.
Social proof: dropping a relevant name and
concrete results makes you look serious, and
shows that you know what you're talking about.
Soft CTA: the goal is to trigger curiosity, not
being pushy. Besides, you want to make it easy
for your prospect to simply reply "yes".
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Noam’s rewrite
Hey Jeremy,
I’m sure there are a few ops or
delivery issues in the agency that a
custom solution could fix.
We helped {agency} with exactly that.
They tripled their client capacity after
we stepped in.
Want me to show you how?
Ahsan
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Why it’s better:
• No fluff: Skips intros and filler, it opens with
a clear, relevant insight.
• Feels personal: Mentions the agency
context, making it sound tailored even if
lightly researched.
• Credible: Quick success story gives proof
without overselling.
• Light CTA: It’s an easy ask that invites
curiosity, not pressure.
This version feels like a real person reaching
out with a useful idea. Not a scripted pitch.
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
GOLDEN RULES
Here are 5 golden rules
for Linkedin Cold DMs
Make sure to apply them:
Trigger based
Straight to the point
Make it personalized
Soft call-to-action (CTA)
Never ask directly for a meeting
Linkedin Cold DM Rewrite Swipe
Noam Nisand
From cold to warm
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NOAM NISAND JEREMY GRANDILLON
