SCENE 1: BUGSY’S MONOLOGUE (45 seconds)
(Spotlight. Bugsy leans on a lamppost, adjusts fedora.)
BUGSY:
New York City. The Big Apple. The Bee’s Knees if you got dough in your pocket and your shoes
ain’t filled with custard. Name’s Malone. Bugsy Malone. I got charm, a crooked smile, and no
interest in dyin’ in a bakery.
The city’s in a jam—Fat Sam’s holdin’ onto his empire like a jelly donut. But Dandy Dan? He’s
got new toys. Cream guns. You get hit—you’re toast. Add a girl named Blousey, a dame with
dreams, and Tallulah, a firecracker with legs for days—and you got yourself a recipe for
mayhem, murder, and maybe… romance?
Stick around, folks. This tale’s got more twists than spaghetti. (He tips his hat. Lights change.)
SONG: FAT SAMS GRAND SLAM
(Placed directly after “Fat Sam’s Grand Slam.” Lights shift to a small backstage
dressing room—cramped, chaotic. Feathers, boas, and makeup everywhere.
Dancers slump in exhaustion. Blousey is centre, holding a snapped shoe heel.)
BLOUSEY:
This place is a disaster. My heel snapped, the spotlight fried my curls, and some guy just
tipped me with a meatball.
GINNY (exhausted):
At least you got tipped. I got sneezed on mid-spin.
MONA (fanning herself):
Last week, a rat stole my feather boa. Wore it better than me, too.
LOUELLA:
We do three shows a night, share one dressing room with a family of raccoons, and our
“mirrors” are just spoons taped to the wall.
TINA (deadpan):
I used to dream of Paris. Now I dream of socks without holes.
GINNY:
I miss the circus. At least the tigers respected me.
BLOUSEY (to audience, flat):
Some girls dream of Broadway. Me? I just want a chair that’s not haunted and a paycheck
that’s not in expired coupons.
(A sudden cream puff falls from the ceiling and splats on Tina’s head. Beat.)
TINA (still deadpan):
Make that two chairs.
(Lights snap to black. Quick transition back into the main story.)
SCENE 2: SPLIT STAGE – DAN VS. FAT SAM’S OFFICE (3 mins)
(Stage split. Left: DAN’S OFFICE—sleek, stylish. Dan polishes his splurge gun. Snake Eyes flips
a coin. Smiles eats a cream puff menacingly. Right: SAM’S OFFICE—cluttered, loud, everyone
yelling.)
DANDY DAN:
Gentlemen… Fat Sam’s time is up. This city needs class. Elegance. Less mustard on suits.
SNAKE EYES:
And more cream in their face?
DANDY DAN:
Exactly. We splurged Roxy Robinson yesterday. He went down quicker than a soufflé in a
stampede.
SMILES (mouth full):
Delicious.
DANDY DAN:
Today—it’s Fat Sam’s laundry, then his club, then him.
(Crosscut to FAT SAM’S OFFICE. Loud arguing.)
FAT SAM (yelling):
My best guy—Roxy! Splurged! My club’s got holes like Swiss cheese and Knuckles thinks
'subtle' is a type of sandwich!
KNUCKLES (late):
It’s not?
FAT SAM:
No!
LOUELLA:
Boss, maybe we use brains instead of brawn. We could bribe a judge, fake our deaths, or—
hear me out—hire the school orchestra to scare 'em off.
RAZAMATAZZ:
Or a musical number! I got tap shoes!
BABYFACE (tiny but fierce):
I say we go in like shadows. Like ninjas. With pies.
KNUCKLES:
What if we just throw spoons?
FAT SAM:
You’re all nuts! Nuts with frosting! I need someone with smarts. Someone with charm.
Someone… not you.
Get me Bugsy Malone!
(Music sting. Lights centre. TALLULAH steps forward with flair.)
TALLULAH:
Men with plans and cream on their ties. Geniuses. All of 'em. Me? I work the floor. I see the
secrets. And I know one thing—where there's love, there's usually a pie fight.
(Blackout on chaos. Transition.)
SCENE 3: BUGSY & BLOUSEY’S CAFE DATE
(Cute diner scene. Jazz music. Trixie wipes the counter. Bugsy and Blousey sit awkwardly. He
straightens his tie.)
BUGSY:
Blousey, I’m tellin’ ya—this gig with Fat Sam? Easy money. I drive a car. No guns, no danger.
Just me and the road.
BLOUSEY (dry):
Last time you said that, we got chased by a guy dressed as a pastry.
BUGSY:
He came outta nowhere. I thought he was a dessert, not a threat.
TRIXIE:
I had to clean up banana cream for two days. (Danny rushes in, panting.)
DANNY:
Bugsy! Fat Sam’s lookin’ for ya! Dan’s got a new stash of splurge guns arriving at the docks!
BLOUSEY:
Oh great. Here comes another “easy job.”
BUGSY (to audience):
Listen—I never ask for this kinda life. But sometimes a guy’s gotta pick between love… and
custard justice.
SCENE 4: THE SHOWDOWN - (Alley. Bugsy rallies the kids—his “army.” They wear pots,
colanders, bike helmets.)
BUGSY:
Alright, troops. Dandy Dan’s lair is full of goons, cream, and probably croissants.
We hit ‘em where it hurts—the pride. We bring pies, cans, and a kazoo. [Big Ears toots kazoo.]
BIG EARS:
Intimidation through music!
GINNY (holding a mop):
This is either a weapon… or I clean up after.
LEROY:
Let me punch just one guy. Just one.
BUGSY:
No real violence. Just classic custard vengeance.
(DANDY DAN enters with SNAKE EYES and SMILES.)
DANDY DAN:
Well, if it ain’t Fat Sam’s charity case and the pastry patrol.
BUGSY:
Careful, Dan. Your tie’s about to meet a very disrespectful éclair.
SMILES (horrified):
You wouldn’t dare.
(Tense beat. Bugsy lifts a pie. Suddenly—SPLURGE ATTACK! Massive cream fight.
TALLULAH:
The war ended not with a bang… but a banana cream pie.
BUGSY (wiping face):
Blousey’s gonna kill me. This was my last clean shirt.
(Final tableau: everyone frozen mid-splurge. Blousey holds a towel. Officer O’Malley walks in,
stunned.)
OFFICER O’MALLEY:
I leave for one coffee and the city turns into a bakery.
ENDING (30 seconds) (Spotlight on Bugsy.)
BUGSY (final direct address):
New York’s cleaned up—well, sort of. Dan’s outta cream, Fat Sam’s got his club back, and me?
I got Blousey… if she ever speaks to me again. Lesson learned: Never start a turf war with a
guy who knows how to throw a pie.
