MARRIAGE‟S RULES OF PURITY IN THE TRADITIONAL CULTURE OF RROMA FROM ROMANIA Delia

GRIGORE This article is trying to organize and interpret, in brief, the results of the authorřs two years
field research in Rroma traditional communities from different regions of Romania: from Ciurea / Iaşi to
Sinteşti / Ilfov and Săruleşti / Călăraşi and from Deva / Hunedoara to Strehaia / Mehedinţi, focused
mainly on the Kalderash / Coppersmiths Rroma subgroup. The field research is sustained also by
historical data based on the study of archive documents and history books. Up to a high degree of
similarity, all traditional cultures forbid the free love between men and women, as being a danger for the
community and a deviance from the recognized pattern of identity. On the other side, they praise the
love between parents and children and between brothers and sisters. Love for the Divine came later, in
the context of Christianity, before that the relationship with God being one lead by worship and fear.
Instead of love, traditional cultures praise marriage, but not as a consequence of love, but as an absolute
need for communityřs fulfillment, as an obligation of the individual towards family and community, in
perfect accordance with the perpetuated pattern of life promoted by God Tradition. If the customary
laws make clear the rules to be followed and the punishments in case of breaking these rules, traditional
cultures, foreseeing possible deviances from the recognized codes, display a whole range of reparatory
rituals, meant to make the family and community go on with their normal lives, surpassing the
temporary disturbance. After being more or less symbolically punished, the individual who broke the
rules becomes the subject of complex rituals of reparation meant to re-include him into community. Of
course, his social status has to suffer limitations and decreasing, but the main aim is that of inclusion
instead of providing a dangerous enemy for the community. Any lost individual is an important loss for
the traditional community, because it breaks its balance, so, for the sake of balance, communities have
to include good and wrong, the second one being accordingly punished and, at the same time, repaired.
73 On the contrary, literatures praise the free love between men and women, and this includes written
literatures and folklore. In case of folklore, traditional culture is equal and consistent with itself, so this
free love leads, in majority of situations, to tragic consequences for both sides, in a way or another. The
Rroma traditional culture follows the same pattern: it forbids love and praises marriage, focusing on how
to repair deviance and to re-put the individual on the normal course of behavior. More then that, in
order to understand the specific view of the Rroma culture towards marriage and physical love, one has,
on one side, to study and understand the significance of the interaction between manhood and
womanhood in Rroma traditional family and, on the other side, if he wants to focus on the special
situation of Rroma in Romania, he has to look back into Rromařs history in Romanian Countries. For
more than five centuries, the Rroma were slaves in Romanian Countries, so they were not considered
human beings, but exchange objects, out of any social structure (see also Achim, 1998, 39). Rroma
women were used as pleasure objects; they were raped by their masters, being them land lords or even
monks: Orthodox monasteries in Romanian Countries had Rroma slaves among their properties (see also
Şerboianu, 1930, 62) and a monkřs sin to rape a Rroma slave was seen as less serious than other sins,
because the slave was not considered human being, but object. Rroma girls were taken away form their
parents and offered, as pleasure instruments, by their masters to their guests. More than that, before
marriage, the Rroma girl had to be Ŗcheckedŗ by her master, before being consigned to her bridegroom,
and this was known as the masterřs right to his slaveřs virginity. As a consequence of this situation, many
times, the first born child was from the master and not from the husband. Very early marriages of Rroma
girls, at around 11Ŕ12 years old, were meant to build up a hope: maybe the girl, being so young, will
escape from her masterřs lust, so she will be able to preserve her virginity for marriage; more than that,
only this way her family can be sure that at least the first child will belong to the husband, and not to the
master. At least the first child, because anyway, after marriage, the master continues to use his slaveřs
body as he pleased, so the Rroma childrenřs origin is never sure. Another consequence of the masterřs
right on his slaveřs body (see also Potra, 1939, 57) was the fact that the woman was considered impure
by the Rroma community. This view was accompanied by a lot of interdictions and behavior rules for
women, meant to preserve the purity of the community as a whole. 74 Taking into account these
consequences of history and looking back into Rroma traditional cultureřs patterns of identity, it is easy
to notice that the notion of love, mainly understood as physical love, is stigmatized, including by means
of language: the verb kamel (to love, to want) is not used to express the idea of love, but the one of
wish, including physical need and lust; instead of this word, the term used to express love, understood
exclusively as spiritual love, possible only in relationship with parents and brothers or between husband
and wife, is dukhal manqe tutar (it hurts my heart thinking of you or Iřm longing for you). Actually,
between husband and wife, love is not a romantic feeling of passion and pleasure, but it is the
embodiment of pakiv (respect, trust, faith, honor, honesty), meaning also responsibility, preservation of
purity and commitment towards family and community. Ritual confirmation of a new family birth and of
a newly born alliance Ŕ hanamik (inlaws), sometimes stronger than the blood relationship itself,
supposing a life time mutual support and trust, the traditional Rroma marriage fulfills the individual
aspiration to become a complete member of the community. Only by marriage the individual becomes a
part of the collective code of honor: from shavo (boy and son) and shej (girl and daughter) they become
rrom (Rroma, man and husband) and rromni (Rroma, woman and wife). To be a real person means to be
married; traditionally, bachelors have no right to build up a tent or a house. The recognition of marriage
by the community is indispensable for the couple, because it ensures their status and brings luck. Early
marriage is meant to put under community protection and recognition the normal sexual tendencies of
the respective age Ŕ around 12-13 years for girls and around 14-15 years for boys. In modern cultures,
that lost the balance between the individual and the collective soul, these tendencies are left to the
hazard, physical relationship between boys and girls, which can be seen as uncontrolled marriage,
anyway take place at these ages, but they are not known and recognized by the community. On the
contrary, traditional cultures focus on the whole and less on the part, so the narrow individual interest is
replaced by the community good: everybodyřs life is controlled and protected by the community, which
assumes both individual and collective fate. If a girl does not marry in her time, she is considered
mahrime (impure), due to possible sexual relationship before marriage, or belonging to a family which
was declared impure and excluded from the community. There are many rituals and taboos meant to
prevent a girl from remaining a spinster. A girl should not stay at the corner of a table: phallic symbol, the
corner is considered a pre-marriage fulfillment of love, so it has 75 tragic consequences. Two girls should
not look in the same mirror, not to split their luck. On Saint Georgeřs Day, girls bake special pies called
mariklia, made up with magic spices and named kamimasqe manre (breads of love); these pies have
secret powers and they are able to quicken up the marriage and to bring the boyřs heart to the girl, by
love magic (see also Wlislocki, 1998, 38). They are also used to bring unfaithful husbands back home. To
be sure that their children will follow the right way for their marriage, Rroma parents decide, sometimes
even before their childrenřs birth, to whom they will marry. This custom of ritual commitment is named
solahadimos e shavenqo (giving the children in the name of the sacred oath) and it is followed by a
special kind of education meant to make the children respect and love each other in time, knowing that
they are already given to each other by their parentsř will. It is not about forcing them into marriage, but
about teaching them to love the proper one: they grow up with this idea and they end up by really love
the one chosen by the parents. Traditional Rroma marriage develops on four ritual stages: o mangimos
(the wooing / asking the girl to marry) and the betrothal, by which the girl begins to separate from her
family of origin; o abiav (the wedding), by which the bride begins to integrate into the new family; o
solahadimos (the oath from the wedding night), by which the bride is totally integrated into her new
family; and o pakiv (the party of honor next day after the wedding), by which the brideřs virginity is
praised and celebrated and her integration into her new family in confirmed by the community. The
same marriage stages can be found at the nomadic Rroma from France, who call themselves Ŗles
manushŗ (see Williams, 1984, 129). Because, in the traditional way of thinking, the aim of love, which is
synonymous with marriage, is to give birth to healthy and lucky children (see also Wlislocki, 2000, 65),
the wedding is accompanied by many fertility rituals, among which the sprinkling of the bride with
water. There are also rituals of protection, meant to keep away the bad luck from the bride and to
prevent her from being Ŗcontaminatedŗ with infertility: infertile, divorced or widow women are not
allowed to touch the bride. Even if this is not its aim, marriage is also physical love, so both the bride and
the bridegroom have to behave in such a way, during their wedding, so to show shame and sadness,
symbolizing their sacrifice for the communityřs sake and o lajavipe (shame) for the wedding night and its
sexual implications. The most important symbol of the Rroma traditional marriage is the brideřs virginity,
sacred and unbreakable, the base of Rromani moral and concept of purity, the guarantee 76 that there
will be no stranger blood in the family, following all traditional culturesř idea about pater semper
incertus (Latin Ŕ the father is always uncertain). The brideřs virginity is checked after the wedding night
by old women and, if she was a virgin, the mother in law gives her the honor and confirmation gift Ŕ i
sumnakuni salba (the necklace of golden coins) and the family women dance i rakija (the red brandy):
they dance with the bed sheet stained with the virgin brideřs blood and sprinkled with red brandy. This
ritual is exclusively for women and, besides praising the brideřs virginity, in also a fertility custom. Men
do not take part to this ritual, but they are announced by the symbolic invitation to wash their hands and
to sit at the pakiv table. In case the bride is not a virgin, she is not pakivali (honest, faithful, respectable),
she will be named doshali (guilty) and a series of punishment and reparatory rituals will be developed:
reparatory sacrifice of a pigeon whose blood is left to drop in a riverřs waters, compensating the virginity
blood; public blaming of the brideřs mother, who is dishonored and humiliated by being painted with
soot on the face and by singing to her the owlřs song, which is sung for tramps. The bridegroomřs family
may ask for the bride to be returned to her family of origin and for the brideřs price, sign of honor and
symbolic payment for the future children, to be given back to them, plus the payment of moral damages.
Infidelity during marriage is severely punished in the Rroma traditional culture. The guilty one is declared
mahrime (impure) by i kris (the judgment council) and this status is marked by a visible stigma (see
Grigore, 2001, 155): a sign on the face, cutting the hair, symbol of lust, for women and breaking an arm,
symbol of power, for men. The success of such marriages based on more than love, but on community
interest and commitment and on pakiv, is proven also by the fact that separations are almost inexistent
among traditional Rroma. If the boyřs family is poorer than the girlřs family, so they cannot afford to pay
the brideřs price and the girlřs family does not agree with the marriage, or if the two families simply do
not agree with their childrenřs choice, the boy can stole the girl and they run away. They stay for a while
at a boyřs farther relative, sometimes a married cousin or even at the boyřs married sister and after this
deviated wedding, they come back home, first at the girlřs house, to ask for forgiveness, then to the
boyřs family, to make them agree for the hanamik (becoming in-laws). This marriage is named o
nashimos (running away) and the coupleřs coming back home is accompanied by rituals of forgiveness,
purification and damagesř payment. The last one means that the boyřs family, instead of paying the
brideřs price, has to pay a kind of fine Ŕ o shtrafo Ŕ, for 77 damaging the honor of the girlřs family. In this
case the wedding is shorter, without the pakiv party or does not take place at all. The two families
remain in potential conflict for a long time and i nashli (the run away) stays quite stigmatized as bori
(daughter in law). But beyond all these, the fact that o nashimos is accepted, with all needed reparatory
and compensatory rituals, means that even the traditional community agrees with the inclusion of
deviance, naming love, into its system. Instead of excluding, Rroma traditional culture prefers to control.
The whole philosophy of the Rroma traditional family is based on the opposition between ujo (pure) and
mahrime (impure), the first one being the guarantee of community balance and harmony with the
universe. To be pure means to be in possession of honor and to euphemize all tendencies that can
compromise your straightness, including love before marriage. The feeling of shame Ŕ lajavipe Ŕ is
associated with feminine sexuality, for many reasons, among which the fact that women give birth, so
they are in direct contact with the world of the unborn, split between Del (God / Good) and Beng (Devil /
Evil). Women, symbols of love seen as lust, have to follow many rules and to preserve purity, not only of
herself, but also of the community: if she breaks the interdictions, the whole community will suffer of
impurity. If a woman touches a pot or a glass with her skirt, nobody will ever drink or eat from that one
and it will be broken, to break the bad luck, and thrown away from the house. That is why there is
forbidden to put vessels on the floor, in passing places. Out of respect and shame, the Rroma wife is not
allowed to give water to her husband with her bare hands, she has to cover them with a towel or, better,
with her own dikhlo (head kerchief), which is pure, because it stays on the head, the pure part of the
body in Rroma traditional thinking. Erotic symbol, the woman hair is considered impure, so it has to be
kept tightened in ciungria (pigtails) and covered with o dikhlo (head kerchief or what can be seen).
During her period, pregnancy and six weeks after giving birth, all signs of womanhood, the woman is
considered impure, so some actions are taboo for her, many of them also meant to protect her from
effort: to bring water, to cook, to touch the doorřs handle or the kitchen vessels, to knead the dough, to
receive guests, to touch or to take care of horses, to receive an object directly from a manřs hand, to
walk too much out of the house. The human body is divided into two parts: the upper part, up from the
middle, which is pure, and the lower part, from the middle down, which is impure (see also Stewart,
1997, 136). The two parts have to be always kept separated, not to contaminate the upper part with
impurity. That is why the separation between these two parts has to be visible in the clothes: shirt and
skirt, never one piece dress. The lower part has to be 78 always covered, both at men and women: long
skirts and trousers, never short. The skirt is never put through the head. Skirts are washed separately
from shirts. The upper part of the body is washed separately from the lower part, never in the same
water. Because the head, belonging to the upper part of the body, is pure, so is the hat. If a woman
passes over a manřs hat, the respective hat has to be thrown away; it will never be worn again. Anything
that reminds of the body, including washing it, is considered shameful. The body should be washed
secretly and quickly, out of the house, before the sunrise or after the sunset, not to cast shame on the
sacred sun Ŕ te ma des lajavipe e khamesqe. Belonging to the upper part of the body, breasts are pure;
they are the symbol of motherhood, and not of sexuality, so women can breastfeed in public. On the
contrary, knees and ankles, belonging to the lower part of the body, are impure, so they have to be
covered; more than that they are considered the most shameful part of the human body. Being or
becoming impure by breaking the rules of purity means to be excluded from the community as a danger,
because impurity is contagious and it destroys the balance of the traditional life. Impure behavior brings
bibaht (bad luck) and this is extremely dangerous because it follows the family and the community for
generations. Rejecting physical love and anything related with the body life, praising marriage as the
sacrifice of the individual for the sake of community interest and family pakiv, Rroma traditional culture
includes also the deviance by reparatory customs, everything to keep the traditional society balance
under control.
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