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 Another Random Document on
Scribd Without Any Related Topics
Dor. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to
make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem
to be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember
that somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the
world who will never forget you—will you remember?
Car. I shall remember. (pulls tray away) Now I really can't stay any
longer. (crosses to first step)
Dor. (holding out his hand) I say! (she turns—places tray on
balustrade) Will you?
Car. Of course! Why not? (they shake hands)
Dor. Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think you—could——
Car. Oh! (draws hand away and takes up tray, moves to second
step) That opens out a very large question. I haven't time to answer
that.
Dor. (touches her on shoulder, she turns) I wonder if we shall ever
come across each other in the future?
Car. (looking at him) More unlikely things have happened. (mounts
third step, turns to him) Good-bye! (exit)
(Dorvaston sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out
cigarette case. Gandy enters, door R., and is crossing
the stage.)
Dor. Good morning! (Gandy crosses from O.P. to steps)
Gan. Mornin'. (C.)
Dor. Got a match about you?
Gan. No. (crosses to mantel) There should be a box 'ere. (goes to
mantel) There is! (he brings them to Dorvaston)
Dor. (taking them, rises) Thanks! I suppose the papers haven't come
yet?
Gan. They 'aven't.
Dor. You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own bright self, are you?
(lights cigarette)
Gan. I ain't!
Dor. You went to see your mother, didn't you?
Gan. Yes.
Dor. Hope you found her feeling fit?
Gan. She's fit enough! It's me.
Dor. What's the matter? (hands back matches)
Gan. Weal cutlet for supper—that's wot's the matter! (Dorvaston
crosses up back to window. Gandy puts matches on mantelpiece) I've
always done my dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went
to bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. Weal cutlet!
(crosses up steps) Mother gets above herself.
Dor. (at window) Have you tried a drop of brandy?
Gan. I 'ave. (first step)
Dor. I should try another.
Gan. (second step) I mean to. (Dorvaston strolls out through the
window and off R. Miss Pillenger enters L., Gandy giving way)
Miss P. Gandy, can you tell me what has happened to my shoes?
Gan. No.
Miss P. I put them outside my door last night, but this morning I find
one of them still uncleaned and the other has disappeared. You
haven't seen it, I suppose?
Gan. I 'aven't.
Miss P. Very singular! (crosses to window up back. Gandy goes up
stairs) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She is not in her room!
Gan. No.
 (Mr. Pillenger enters L. Gandy gives way. He has cut his
cheek while shaving and is wearing a piece of black
sticking plaster.)
Pil. Good morning!
Miss P. Good morning, Audley.
Pil. (to Gandy) Has the post come?
Gan. No, it ain't. (he goes off L.)
Miss P. You appear to have had an accident.
Pil. Accident!
Miss P. In completing your toilette.
Pil. Eh? Hum—yes. The razor slipped. My nervous system is slightly
disorganized.
Miss P. The result of last night.
Pil. (startled) Last night? I—er—fail to understand you.
Miss P. I was referring to your indisposition.
Pil. Oh!—Ah!—exactly. (crosses to window)
Miss P. Are you going out?
Pil. I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial.
Miss P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most painful subject to
talk over with you. (sits R.)
Pil. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be
discussed on an empty—before breakfast.
Miss P. It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious
scandal.
Pil. (crosses to chair L.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing
your words very carefully.
Miss P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to
tell you refers to Cook—(Dorvaston appears at the window—he has
Miss Pillenger's shoe in his hand)—and to Captain Dorvaston.
(Dorvaston enters smoking.)
Pil. Ah! here—is—er—Captain Dorvaston. (he crosses to L. and
indicates to Dorvaston that Miss Pillenger is in the room. Dorvaston
throws cigarette away and comes to top of chair R. C.)
Dor. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (Miss Pillenger bows
frigidly. Dorvaston crosses to chair)
Pil. Hannah was just—er—mentioning, as you entered, that—you
——
Dor. (quietly beating the back of chair with shoe) Yes, I fancied I
caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am?
Miss P. I was saying, Captain Dorvaston—— (she notices the shoe)
What are you doing with that shoe?
Dor. Just picked it up.
Miss P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be
strangely wanting in delicacy.
Dor. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found
it on the garden path.
Miss P. My shoe on the garden path!
Dor. Yours! I thought it was Gandy's.
Miss P. If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my room by the
removal of my shoe, the expedient was abortive. I have several
other pairs.
Dor. Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, ma'am. Sorry I
disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back?
Miss P. I will thank you to restore it to me. (Dorvaston hands shoe,
and Miss Pillenger crosses, and puts it on cabinet R.) Thank you!
(she returns and sits L. of table) Now, with your permission, I will
resume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you came in. (the
men exchange glances) I warned you last night I should consider it
my duty to acquaint Lucy with the details of—my—very painful
discovery (Dorvaston starts to go off at window; Pillenger follows his
example upstairs) but I find she has gone out for a walk—at least so
I imagine. Well—Audley—Audley (Miss Pillenger calls Pillenger back,
and he calls Dorvaston back; Pillenger sits on settle, and Dorvaston
leans on balustrade) Well, Audley, the painful discovery I allude to
was this. After returning home last night I had occasion to visit the
kitchen in order to speak to Cook for a moment. While doing so, I
heard a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found Captain
Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. He was unable to give
me any lucid explanation. I now leave the matter in your hands.
(slight pause)
Dor. I don't know whether it's much good me saying anything—is it,
sir?
Pil. (rises) I think otherwise. (Dorvaston surprised) I shall be very
happy to hear anything you care to tell me. Appearances are often
misleading.
Miss P. But, Audley, surely——
Pil. Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to my judgment. I
shall not approach it in a spirit of carping doubt. If our dear friend
can give us his personal assurance that the whole thing was—a—
little joke for instance——
Miss P. A little joke!
Pil. If he could tell us that in concealing himself in the—er—broom
cupboard, he had an idea of jumping out suddenly and startling
somebody by saying "Boo"—not you particularly—but Cook, or
Keziah, or myself——
Miss P. You? What should you be doing in the kitchen?
Pil. No—that is so; but still, though I deprecate practical joking as a
rule, I should consider the explanation as not being without a certain
measure of antecedent plausibility.
Miss P. You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's
mouth.
Pil. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would
carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a
light-hearted profession.
Dor. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that.
Miss P. There!
Pil. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's
responsibility. (leans on mantel)
Miss P. At all events, Cook is yours!
Pil. Eh? Hum—yes——
Miss P. You will of course ring the bell and discharge her.
Pil. I—really think we should endeavour to avoid any——
Miss P. (rises) Her continued presence in the house would be an
insult to me.
Pil. (loudly) To avoid any appearance of temper—do you hear me,
Hannah?—of temper.
Dor. (coming to Miss Pillenger) Upon my soul, ma'am, Cook hadn't
anything to do with it. I was there against her wish.
Pil. (crossing to C.) Surely that is a most convincing testimony.
Dor. I know last night things didn't look quite square, but whatever
fault there was, was my fault.
Pil. Precisely! No doubt! (the men look at each other)
Dor. I was chatting to Cook—it was a stoopid thing to do—but there
was no harm in it.
Pil. None whatever, I feel sure.
Dor. In fact, the governor knows there wasn't!
Miss P. How should my brother know?
Pil. Hum!—tut—tut!
Dor. How! Why, because he was in the lar—— (pause, Miss Pillenger
stares, both men stare at each other with their mouths open)
Pil. (eagerly) I was sure to take a broad-minded view. Doubtless
that is our friend's meaning.
Dor. Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I heard you coming,
ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, don't you know!
Pil. Quite so!
Dor. And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought you'd take my
being there the wrong way, don't you see? So I—nipped into the
broom cupboard, don't you understand? (crosses up back)
Pil. (crosses to top of table) To a moderately impartial intelligence
the whole thing is as clear as day, and really reflects discredit on no
one.
Miss P. Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook on the subject?
Pil. I think we should give her to understand that careful
investigation has tended to modify our original misconception of the
true facts of the case.
Miss P. (rising) Then, Audley, I have this to say—— (crosses to R.)
(Gandy enters L.)
Gan. (at top of steps) I've just found a gent in the dry ditch at the
end of the garden.
Pil. (pause) A gent in the ditch! (Dorvaston crosses to balustrade)
What gent?—er—gentleman?
Gan. 'E was asleep and I shook 'im—'e grunted, and I shook 'im
again. 'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd like to see you.
Pil. Crayll! (to Dorvaston) That is the person who called on you
yesterday?
Dor. Yes, I know him.
Pil. He wished to see me? (to Gandy)
Gan. 'E said so.
Pil. Show him in. (Gandy goes out. Dorvaston crosses L.) Surely a
most singular circumstance! Why did he go to sleep in my ditch?
(Miss Pillenger crosses up to top of window)
Dor. I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he thought you
wouldn't object.
Pil. He must be very eccentric. (crosses to R. corner)
Dor. Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (Gandy enters, followed by Crayll,
who looks rather dilapidated)
Gan. Mr. Crayll! (at top of steps—he goes out—Crayll is at top of
steps)
Cray. Good mornin'! (at top of steps)
Pil. Good morning!
Cray. (to Dorvaston) How are you? (crosses down and puts hat on
settle)
Dor. How are you?
Cray. Think I'll sit down. (crosses R.) Feel rather shaky. (he sits L. of
table; Dorvaston is standing with his back to the fireplace)
Pil. By all means. (indicating Miss Pillenger) My sister!
Cray. Oh! (he nods carelessly)
Pil. But, my dear sir, (sits R.) I understand you passed the night—or
some portion of it—in er—the ditch?
Cray. 'Pears I did.
Pil. But—how did you get there?
Cray. How the devil should I know?
Pil. Tut, tut!
Cray. I must have bin sprung last night, that's about the size of it. I
seem to recollect somebody pickin' me up, and then chuckin' me
down again, like a sack of coals. (to Pillenger) It wasn't you, was it?
Pil. Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. May I offer you
anything?
Miss P. (from back of table—coming down a little) A hot cup of tea?
Cray. Tea be damned!
Pil. Tut! (Miss Pillenger is shocked, and goes up)
Cray. No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit me.
Pil. (rises excitedly and leans over table) Bitten by a dog! Good
Heavens! My dear sir, the place should be cauterised at once—no
time should be lost!
Cray. Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. (looking closely at
Pillenger) What's that on your face? What is it? What's that filthy
black thing crawling over your face?
Pil. I—er—you probably——
Cray. What is it? (loudly—rises excitedly) Why the devil don't you tell
me what it is?
Pil. A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat out of
condition—merely sticking plaster.
Cray. Oh! (subsiding) Thought it was a spider. (pause) I want to talk
to you.
Pil. Yes. (sits)
Cray. Want to say a word or two about your Cook. (Dorvaston makes
a slight movement; Miss Pillenger crosses down to chair)
Pil. Indeed!
Cray. I s'pose you didn't know much about her when you took her.
Did you?
Miss P. No.
Pil. Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, I may say we
obtained the highest testimonials from the Duchess of Sturton.
Cray. Oh yes, that's all right—they're pals. (all start) Did she tell you
your Cook was married.
Miss P. Married?
Pil. Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not.
Cray. Well she is. Did she say she was a well-known society woman,
who wasn't living with her husband?
Miss P. Good gracious!
Pil. Her Grace did not mention the fact—if it is a fact.
Cray. It is—you may lay your shirt on it. That ain't quite the sort of
party you want in your kitchen, is it? Now I happen to know the
husband'd be willin' to overlook the past—and take her back again
——
Pil. Er—really?
Cray. He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear malice. He put
it to her, but she's an obstinate devil—she didn't listen to reason.
Now it struck me that as you're a magpie——
Pil. Tut!
Miss P. A magpie?
Cray. Beg pardon—I mean as you're a parson, with your eye on the
marriage service—"Those who Heaven joined" and all that kind of
thing—you might see your way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop,
without a character—D'you see?—and so bring her to a sense of
dooty.
Miss P. Really, Audley, there is something to be said for this
gentleman's suggestion.
Pil. Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable for me to adopt,
I shall require more definite information than I at present possess as
to the intentions and—er—general identity—of the alleged husband.
Cray. You can have it. I'm her husband.
Pil. You! (Miss Pillenger also conveys surprise)
Cray. Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married all right.
Miss P. I'll ring for her at once. (makes movement, rises and crosses
to L.)
Cray. (hastily) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! (Miss Pillenger
pauses) I don't want to see her—there wouldn't be any good in that
—the meeting would be painful all round. (rising) No! you do what I
say—tell her to pack up her traps and go—and then my arms will be
open to her. (Miss Pillenger returns and sits) Good mornin'! (crosses
C.)
(Crayll goes L., Dorvaston intercepts him.)
Dor. You're not leaving us?
Cray. Yes, I am!
Dor. I think not!
Cray. What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when I like? (moves
forward)
Dor. You will go when I like; and before you do, you've got to face
the lady you've just been trying to injure. Sit down there (pointing to
settle) and don't move, or I shall hurt you! (Crayll hesitates) Sit
down! (Crayll sits sulkily) Now I'm going to ring the bell, and Mr.
Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; but if you try to get away, I shall
probably hurt you rather badly. Do you follow me?
Cray. Yes.
Dor. That's all right. (crosses and rings bell; to Mr. Pillenger) Sorry
to take the business out of your hands, sir, but we've got to see it
through, don't you know?
Pil. I think it would undoubtedly be desirable. (Gandy enters) Will
you ask Mrs.—er—I mean—er—kindly inform Cook we should like to
speak to her. (Gandy goes out, Miss Pillenger sits; long pause, during
which no one moves) Er—wonderful how the—eh—fine weather
lasts! (another pause)
(Then Caroline enters in outdoor costume; she is putting on
her gloves. She comes down the steps and advances
quietly to the table.)
Car. You have something to say to me?
Miss P. Yes, we have.
Car. That is fortunate, because I have something to say to you.
Pil. (Miss Pillenger makes to speak) Hannah, you will greatly oblige
me by remaining silent. We wished, Cook——
Car. (near chair C.) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I have no longer any
claim to that title—I beg to hand in my resignation.
Pil. You contemplate leaving us?
Car. Yes. I've sent for a fly.
Miss P. Audley, since this lady objects to be referred to as Cook, I
think you should address her by her name—her real name.
Car. (glancing at Miss Pillenger) I doubt if you know it.
Miss P. We are better informed than you imagine, Mrs. Crayll!
Car. Oh, that's it!
Pil. (rises) My dear madam, pray believe the—er—somewhat
startling information came to us unsought. Our informant was that
gentleman. (points to Crayll)
Car. What gentleman?
Dor. (to Crayll) You can stand up now. (Crayll rises and crosses
down L. C., and advances a step or two. Cook turns and sees him)
Car. I see! (slight pause) Well, what has he told you?
Miss P. This gentleman came here this morning to beg us——
Car. To turn me out?
Miss P. Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an appeal to his, I
fear, misguided wife.
Car. Is he indeed?
Cray. I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back—man can't say
more, can he?
Car. What else did he tell you?
Miss P. He mentioned you were a well-known woman in society—and
that you had been living apart from your husband.
Car. Quite so! Was that all he said?
Pil. I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's statement.
(pause)
Car. Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did marry him some
years ago.
Miss P. You concealed the fact when you entered our service.
Car. It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. As he was so
confidential, it seems odd he forgot to tell you we were recently
divorced.
Pil. Divorced!
Miss P. Divorced!
Car. There is one other thing—I think it is only fair you should know
what a distinguished individual you have been entertaining in the
person of Mr. Crayll.
Cray. Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth!
Car. This gentleman——
Cray. I shan't stay here to be baited—and badgered. (going)
Dor. (advancing) You'll stay where you are!
Car. This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am—I was Lady
Huntworth. (all convey astonishment) Last night Lord Huntworth
dropped in the kitchen a letter. It was from a firm of solicitors.
Cray. (putting his hand to his breast pocket) Damn!
Car. Telling him I had inherited a large sum of money. Lord
Huntworth is rather hard up just now. There is nothing unusual in
the circumstance, but I mention it because it explains the reason of
his generous offer to condone the past. (pause) Here is your letter;
(producing it) you needn't trouble to answer it—I shall call on
Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the course of the day. (Crayll
snatches the letter) I don't think we need detain you any longer,
need we? (Crayll turns for hat L., snarls at Dorvaston and exits up
steps; Caroline watches him off)
Pil. Is it actually the case that you are the Lady Huntworth?
Car. (turns to the Pillengers) Yes, I am the Lady Huntworth who is so
widely and so very unfavourably known. (turns to Dorvaston) Would
you oblige me by ringing the bell, Captain Dorvaston?
Dor. Certainly? (he does so)
Car. (again speaking to the Pillengers) If I thought there was even a
chance that you could understand my doing what I have done I
would try to make it clear to you, but you couldn't—I should only
waste your time and my own. (Gandy enters) Gandy, has the fly
come?
Gan. It 'as.
Car. Thanks! Good-bye! (she holds out her hand, he takes it
respectfully) We've been good friends, haven't we?
Gan. We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. (exit)
Car. (smiling and to the Pillengers) Mr. Pillenger—(he rises) You have
done everything in your power to render my little experiment a
pleasant one. I am grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn in
my direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the excellence of
my curried chicken, rather than on the supposed hopelessness of my
moral character. Good-bye.
Pil. (bows sadly) Good-bye! (sits disconsolate; Cook nods to Mr.
Pillenger pleasantly; then turns and gives a very stately bow to Miss
Pillenger, who stiffly returns it; Cook then goes L., but pauses as she
mounts the steps and speaks to Dorvaston)
Car. We have already taken leave of each other, but it has occurred
to me that perhaps you might care to let me hear from you. I am
leaving England for some time, but that address will find me. (gives
a card to him) Poste Restante, Brussels.
Dor. Poste Restante, Brussels.
Car. Yes. Good-bye!
Dor. (with a sigh) Good-bye! (sits down on settle; she goes out)
(After she has gone Dorvaston sits pensively on the settle;
there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; then
Gandy enters with newspapers at window; he goes to
Pillenger.)
Gan. (crosses to R. to Pillenger) "Standard!" (Pillenger takes it, but
allows it to drop by his side; Gandy then crosses to Miss Pillenger)
"Church Times!" (he then crosses to Dorvaston and hands him the
other paper) "Sportin' Life!" (Pillenger and Dorvaston pick up papers
and try to read; Miss Dorvaston reads, Gandy goes up two steps, then
turns) 'Ow about dinner?
Pil. Eh?
Dor. What?
Gan. 'Ow about dinner?
Pil. Don't dare allude to it. (rises and sits at exit)
Dor. Get out of the room! (rises and sits at exit)
(Gandy goes out, the two men open their papers firmly and
begin to read; Lucy enters at window followed
 nervously by Thorsby—Lucy dragging him into C.; Lucy
is L. C., Thorsby R. C.)
Lucy. Good-morning, everybody!
Miss P. Good morning!
Pil. (not looking up) Good morning!
Dor. (doing the same) Good morning!
Lucy. I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me.
Miss P. Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (he bows)
Dor. (not looking round) Ah, Thorsby! (Thorsby bows)
Dor. (not looking round) How are you, Thorsby? (Thorsby bows once
more)
Lucy. We've just been married.
Miss P. What? (all rise and throw down papers; Dorvaston
Pil. immediately takes Bradshaw off mantel and sits on settle
Dor. looking out trains)
Lucy. Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel riled you must
pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry hated the deception all through
—didn't you?
Thor. I——
Lucy. All right, don't interrupt. We started early, biked over to
Ingledene Church—did the trick—rode back, and we want
everybody's blessing, and a good breakfast.
Pil. As you are practically independent of my control I fear I have no
power to withhold the blessing. The good breakfast may be less
easily obtained.
Lucy. Why?
Pil. Cook has left us? (crosses up to desk R., kicking the papers from
his feet viciously as he goes)
Lucy. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made us some coffee,
(takes hat up R. C.)
Dor. Then she knew?
Lucy. Of course she did! I told her.
Miss P. She would naturally take a prominent part in any duplicity.
(crossing to window; Thorsby goes up after her to make his peace)
Lucy. That's all rot. She was a real good sort—a long way better than
most of us (she goes to Dorvaston) Jack, old boy!
Dor. Yes, little woman? (sitting L. looking at Bradshaw)
Lucy. You're the only one that matters. I cared for Harry—and you
didn't care for me—did you? Tell me you didn't, or I shall hate
myself. You'd have married me and tried to look pleasant, but it
would have taken you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you
take your oath you don't mind.
Dor. (rises) Mind! (rings bell, returns, and takes Lucy by both hands)
My dear child, you don't know what a turn you've done me by
throwing me over for a better man. Mind? (crosses to Thorsby, claps
him on the shoulder) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck you
could wish yourself—and you'll get it! A chap who could carry out a
thing of this kind in such an exceptional way has all the makings of a
future bishop. (Gandy enters) Pack my things at once; I must catch
the 11:15 to town. (Gandy goes out)
Lucy. Going to leave us?
Dor. (crosses to Lucy) I must, little woman—but I won't forget to
send you a wedding present—silver mug—no, that's later! (Lucy
crosses to Thorsby U. B. To Pillenger) Good-bye, sir. (Pillenger rises,
and they shake hands across the table, he then sits again) Keep
your head up and your liver active.
Pil. Good-bye!
Dor. (to Miss Pillenger) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean to be quite
respectable by the time we meet again. (they shake hands)
Miss P. I hope so.
Dor. (to Thorsby) Good-bye, young fellah! Give that little filly her
head, and she won't want the whip. (crosses L. of Lucy and the
others) Good-bye, little woman! (kisses her) God bless you! (kisses
her—runs up steps)
Lucy. Good-bye, dear old boy! (leans over balustrade; he is going)
You'll let us hear from you?
Dor. Yes! (runs up steps)
Lucy. Where will a letter find you?
Dor. (hastily taking out card and looking at it. Turns to her) Poste
Restante, Brussels! (as he goes off the
Curtain Falls.
 TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.
Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.
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