Questions

&
Answers
Erin Thiele

www.RestoreMinistries.net

Cover Design by Dallas Thiele • Restore Ministries Publishing

 Questions & Answers
By Erin Thiele

Published by:
Restore Ministries Publishing
POB 830
Ozark, MO 65721 U.S.A.

The materials from Restore Ministries are used to stop divorce and to restore families. For more information,
visit us at: HopeAtLast.com. Permission from the author has been given to those who want to print or
photocopy this book for themselves or others. This book may not be sold in any form without written
permission of the author.
The use of all CAPS in this document reflects the nature of the contents that were taken directly from emails
sent and received for publication/posting on the RMI website Q&A column. A questionnaire was filled out
with the more recent questions and the pertinent information included in brackets.

Copyright © 2005
by Erin Thiele
First Printing: 2002
Second Printing: 2003, revised
Third Printing: 2005, completely revised and edited
Fourth Printing: 2005, revised
Library of Congress Control Number: 2005900330
ISBN 1-931800-07-3
Printed in the U.S.A. by
Morris Publishing
3212 East Highway 30
Kearney, NE 68847
1-800-650-7888
 Introduction
It’s not by chance, nor is it by coincidence, that you have gotten this small but powerful book. God has heard your
cry for help in your marriage dilemma. He predestined this DIVINE APPOINTMENT to give you the ANSWERS that
you so desperately need right now! (If you are not in a marriage crisis, but you know someone who is and you have
been burdened for him or her wondering how you might be able to help, then read on, God is showing you how.)
I know and understand what you are going through!!! No matter what others have told you, your marriage is
NOT hopeless!! I KNOW, after eleven years of ministry, that God is able to restore ANY marriage, especially
YOURS!

Our ministry is not a typical marriage ministry. We show others what God showed me. All of the books,
videos and audio tapes we offer were put together to encourage and enhance a deep and intimate walk with
the Lord—for in Him and through His principles you will find peace, and ultimately, a restored marriage.

For those who come to us desperate for hope and help, we do not offer counseling support. God showed me
that talking about my problems never solved them, but always made them worse! Praying and fasting healed
my marriage and me!

Since most who come to us are in what others have labeled “HOPELESS” marriages, their spouse is not
interested in counseling because they no longer want the marriage restored—they want OUT! This usually
enhances their feelings of hopelessness since they erroneously believe what others have told them “that it
takes two to fix their marriage.” That simply is not true! All you need is the Lord and yourself!!
However, you may be seeking counseling because you desperately need “someone to talk to who
understands!” Instead of sending you to the “experts” we would like to pair you up with someone who is
going through the very same situation you are facing. Someone who knows, who understands. Someone who
will pray and help keep you accountable to what you really want—a restored marriage!
You need someone who will not offer “suggestions” that could possibly jeopardize your restoration. But,
instead, will share only the Word of God or simply listen and pray with you. We would like to invite you to
join our Restoration Fellowship so that we can give you an Encouragement Partner.

We put this book together because we believe that, as you spend some time reading these 300 Questions and
Answers, you will be better equipped to face the crisis that you now or will face. When you choose the right
response and the right decisions, you will have chosen the narrow road that will lead to your marriage
restoration!
May the Lord bless you with a restored marriage and family!
 Table of Contents
1.
Adultery___________________________________________________________________________
__5 2.
Bondage___________________________________________________________________________
11 3.
Children___________________________________________________________________________
18 4.
Church____________________________________________________________________________
23 5. Communication with
Spouse___________________________________________________________26 6.
Counseling_________________________________________________________________________
39
7.
Faith______________________________________________________________________________
48
8.
Fasting____________________________________________________________________________
52
9.
Holidays___________________________________________________________________________
59
10.
Intimacy___________________________________________________________________________
62
11.
Mistakes___________________________________________________________________________
66
12. “For My People Perish for a Lack of Knowledge”
Remarriage_________________________________________________________________________
76
13. Restoration
Process__________________________________________________________________86
14. The Spouse at
Home_________________________________________________________________104
15. Submission or
 1
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Adultery
Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?
Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’
—Matthew 18:21–22

QUESTION: I have read A Wise Woman workbook and listened to your tapes. They were all wonderful. My
husband has been seeing another woman. I can only assume they kept in touch over the phone or by email and
she’d meet him at certain events. I believe that my husband is preparing to leave me when she’s divorced and
her son graduates from high school this year. I have read all the verses about how the enemy plans and
schemes but that God does thwart and prevail. It’s just so difficult at times. Please let me know your thoughts.
I believe you to be very wise.
ANSWER: Some of what you have written leads me to believe that many of your trials and the schemes of
the devil are being fueled by your mind. (i.e. “I can only assume they kept in touch over the phone, email and
she’d meet him at certain events. I believe that my husband is preparing to leave me when she’s divorced and
her
“Weson
aregraduates
destroyingfrom high school this year.”) This may or may not be true. God tells us:
speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought
captive to the obedience of Christ . . .”(2 Cor. 10:5).

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is
lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind
dwell on these things” (Phil. 4:8). However, if this is KNOWLEDGE that the Lord is giving you in order to
pray against these things then do it; but just don’t fret or you are falling for a scheme of the devil.” Cease from
anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing” (Ps. 37:8). “. . . in order that no advantage be
taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Cor. 2:11).
Your battle will be lost or won, primarily, in your mind. If the devil can get you to worry continuously or
doubt the Lord, then he has won. This worry and doubt will cause you to lose the peace; which is what will
draw your husband back to you and to the Lord. You didn’t mention having or reading the Restore Your
Marriage book. This book would be much more applicable to your situation right now than A Wise Woman
workbook. If you have it, reread it while asking the Lord to show you anything that needs to be changed in
you.
QUESTION: [State: Alabama Current Marital Status: married but separated.] My restoration is progressing
mightily because of God’s help through you. During my study of your books and the Word old memories
have flooded back. My husband did confess to adultery and I have confessed to being a contentious wife. I
thought the restoration would grow from this. Then I remembered that when I got involved with my
husband—he had been separated for two years but not yet divorced. She lived in another state and did not
seek to be a part of his life. I have asked God’s forgiveness of this and confessed with a prayer partner. When
my husband confessed his unfaithfulness he asked me if I had ever had an affair. I said no. Before we were
married, we lived together for 6 years. During this time I did have a one time intimate encounter with an old
6 Questions & Answers
boyfriend. I have confessed this to God and my prayer partner. Do I need to confess to my husband to ensure
restoration?
ANSWER: Yes, you probably should. “. . . The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much”
(James 5:16). “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from
all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

It is certainly a scary thing to do, but God ALWAYS rewards humility. I have seen confessions turn hopeless
situations around—ESPECIALLY when the spouse is currently in adultery. It’s almost as if it brings you
down to his level. When you confess, then you are honestly saying that you are just as bad as you claimed him
to be (if you did) or what you thought him to be, UNTIL you saw your own sin.
Unfaithfulness applies to before, during or after a divorce. God sees it all and it all reaps corruption in the
marriage or marriage restoration process when it is unconfessed or not repented of (a turning away from).
Make sure that you do NOT say much about this encounter. If your husband presses you for details, tell him
that you have pushed all BAD memories out, and that since it didn’t mean anything, you can’t really
remember much about it.

Also, be ready for him to become extremely angry for a time. Half of the men feel relieved that they are not
the only sinner, and in some ways it breaks them. But others go into a jealous rage and call their wives all
sorts of things—even though they are presently in adultery. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. For
those whose husbands get angry, God is ALWAYS faithful to work on them and turn their heart as a reward
for your humility. The truth always sets sinners free—hallelujah!!!

QUESTION: [State: Texas. Current Marital Status: divorced] I have been seeing my husband and the other
woman at several of our son‘s events recently and notice how happy and content they seem together. Seeing
how happy he is, should I not be happy for him? Isn’t everyone else (her, her son, my son) going to be the
ones hurt if I continue this and is that “right” to do to them?
ANSWER: Are you referring to believing for your marriage restoration as something you are “doing to
them?” You know as well as I do that appearances are not always as they seem. MANY couples put up quite a
“front” to appear a certain way—ESPECIALLY when someone is looking. Have you asked the Lord to show
you that there is trouble in paradise? Ask Him to confirm this. And when He does, write it down and reread it
when you doubt that what you are doing is right.

Wouldn’t your husband be happier to be home with the wife of his youth and his own son rather than with a
woman who is not the wife of his youth and a child that is not his own. Wouldn’t it be better for her to be with
her real husband and her child to be with his own father?

Could someone REALLY be happy if they knew that what they had done had destroyed someone’s marriage?
I really can’t believe that they are happy and content. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. If
the devil can convince you to give up through illusions, then he has won.

QUESTION: My husband had an affair with a friend of mine and I found out six months ago. I still struggle
with forgiveness even though he seems very repentant. Does it get easier with time? Also, how do you
celebrate an anniversary of a wedding day when those vows were broken? I know my husband and I are going
to make it by following the Lord, but it’s so difficult. Am I just a hard case?
ANSWER: First, please try not to call “adultery” an “affair.” Sin is NO “party”! Please try to call it by its
7 1. Adultery
Scriptural name. Secondly, this area of forgiveness is a day-to-day process. I talk a lot about it on the “Be
Encouraged!” video series, which may help you much more than I am able to in this limited forum.
First, only God could help me forgive. I asked Him to do it “through” me. If you are past this point, then let
me tell you what I learned. Almost anything can trigger your remembrance of your husband’s unfaithfulness:
A smell, a place, a photograph—anything. This is when I learned I MUST go to the Lord, again, and ask Him
to help me forgive my husband.
Also, if you “entertain” the thoughts when they come to mind, it will be harder to get over the same feelings
you had when you first heard about it. Keep sober in your mind. “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your
adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8). How? Take
EVERY thought captive. “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the
knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ . . .” (2 Cor. 10:5).

The devil can put destructive thoughts into our minds. But we can identify where those thoughts are coming
from and fight against them. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against
the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the
heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12).
If you battle these thoughts now, rather than giving in to them, it will get easier every day. Your husband’s
repentance will turn to bitterness if he senses that you do not forgive him. That usually turns into an
opportunity for the enemy to draw him back into the same sin. Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one
comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be
defiled . . .” May the Lord bring you peace.

QUESTION: Here, the shoe is on the other foot. I am the adulteress in the marriage. My husband fought hard
to win me back when he knew I was cheating on him. I finally realized that it wasn’t my husband or the other
man that needed to fill the empty hole in my heart; it was GOD. Now my husband has left me & decided to
divorce me. I really love him. Mostly he wants to grow he says. Your book says GOD does not allow divorce
because of unfaithfulness, but my Mom says that it is the only reason GOD allows it?

ANSWER: This debate of allowing divorce because of unfaithfulness is really a doctrinal debate. The Lord
showed me, as I searched for the truth, was that this is NOT the case but an erroneous assumption based on
the newer translations of the Bible. In chapters 11 and 12 of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, I
documented my findings to help those who are searching for the truth. With that said, I will tell you that I no
longer debate this with anyone (so please don’t debate the point with your mother or anyone else either).
Instead, I agree (with my adversary Matt. 5:25 KJV) and then cite Jesus‘ response to forgive the sinner. “He
who is without sin cast the first stone.” (John 8:7) I believe from the Christian point of view that adultery is
not grounds for divorce but grounds for forgiveness.
In your case, you are the one who has come seeking forgiveness. Right now your husband doesn’t think he
wants to forgive you; this is understandable. I, personally, did not want to forgive my husband either. But God
put it in my heart and then helped me to forgive as I yielded to His Holy Spirit.

At this point, you must pray for the Lord to turn your husband’s heart so he will “want” to forgive you. God is
faithful. And as you walk in obedience, you will not get in His way. By obedience I mean your willingness to
allow the Lord to transform you through a deep relationship with Him. This is how we see marriages restored
through our ministry, regardless of the situation. On the other hand, we have also seen all too often that when
God faithfully turns a spouse‘s heart back, and the believing spouse has not allowed God to transform them,
the one who has returned eventually turns away again, many times to another.
8 Questions & Answers

In addition, you must be humble if you ever hope to be forgiven by your husband. “But the tax-gatherer,
standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast,
saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’” (Luke 18:13). If in pride your words or actions say, “Because
I’m a Christian my husband should forgive me,” God will oppose you. James 4:6 says, “GOD IS OPPOSED
TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.”

Just a few months ago, God restored the marriage of a woman who was in an almost identical situation. After
she poured over her Bible, devoured ALL of our resources and spent MUCH time on her face before the Lord,
her husband could not resist the change in her. He dropped the divorce proceedings (on the day of the
hearing), and shortly thereafter, she was asked to move back home.
Your husband not wanting you back, after fighting for you, is extremely common. Isn’t that sad? We have
many times prayed fervently with a woman, only for her to tell her husband off when he returns! Even our
new pastor’s wife told me just a couple of days ago how often she has seen this happen.

All the resources we have will help you in your situation. They were written for ANYONE who has a desire
to restore their marriage. God has forgiven you; now let’s pray that your husband will soon forgive you, too!
QUESTION: What am I supposed to do when my husband has been writing letters to an old friend of his
from high school (female) who is single and she writes him??? This has been going on all summer, about the
time when my husband wanted a divorce. Praise God that my family and I are all living under the same roof.
Praise God that my husband has not filed for a divorce. I have watched your videos and read your Wise
Woman workbook. I have seen some changes in my husband, but nothing major is happening either.

ANSWER: There have been many men who have rekindled an old flame from high school, only to leave their
family. (This is just one of the reasons why our sons 20, 18, 15 have chosen not to date—hallelujah!) Many
adulterous relationships have also begun over the Internet.

First of all, let me tell you what NOT to do. Do not say ANYTHING to your husband about this EVER!!
“In
the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to
the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and
Then RESPECT
respectful him by(1not
behavior” Pet.looking
3:1–2).to see if letters or emails are coming
in or out. If you spot one in a dresser drawer, in his coat pocket, or wherever, leave it there and PRAY!!
“Keep watching and praying, that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is
weak” (Matt. 26:41).
.Next, give the devil a black eye. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21)
Bless your husband that night with a special good meal or another blessing (again, don’t say, hint or reveal
what you have seen). His being involved with a woman is evil and insulting; therefore, we KNOW how to
fight it—with a BLESSING!! “. . . not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing
instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). If you can:
1– Keep your mouth shut. 2– Keep your attitude and actions respectful. 3– Return kindness and a blessing
instead of returning evil and insults. Then you WILL see something MAJOR happen—I promise!

QUESTION: Is this marriage “legal“ before the Lord as my first husband was still alive when I married
again? If it isn’t, where does it leave this marriage and its restoration or because the marriages were not
“legal” before the Lord, since my first husband passed away am I considered a “widow“ now instead of
married and therefore should let this divorce and my wait for restoration go. To not “fight” the divorce meant
a complete letting go for me something that seems “the next step,” but to what??
9 1. Adultery

ANSWER: I can’t say whether it is “legal“ since God does not really judge from a court of law. However, if
you are asking if God “recognizes” this marriage, He does. Since your first husband is now deceased, then
you are certainly free from your first marriage and you are not in adultery. “So then if, while her husband is
living, she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from
the law, so that she is not an adulteress, though she is joined to another man” (Rom. 7:3). When we marry
after a divorce, God says we “commit adultery.”
“And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits
adultery” (Matt. 19:9). “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman
commits adultery against her . . .” (Mark 10:11). “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another
commits adultery; and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery” (Luke 16:18).
Most agree with that to some degree or another. The disagreement sometimes begins whether God recognizes
the second marriage or is it plain and simple adultery. My Bible says that it is adultery that can be, and should
be, repented of. However, some believe that it must be taken to the step of divorcing a second time to
completely clear us of sin. This is where I totally disagree!
No sin, not even adultery, needs our “works” attached “less any man should boast” (Eph. 2:8–9). When we
are forgiven, God cleanses us with His blood and remembers it no more. When God truly delivers us, we
supernaturally turn from our sins. Homosexuals and lesbians testify that all of a sudden their eyes were
opened to their sinful lifestyle and never return. However, other than one instance (in a book by Michael
Brown), I have NEVER heard of someone who repented of the adultery of a second marriage and afterwards
felt led to divorce their spouse and remarry their first spouse. Why?
Deuteronomy 24:1–4 says, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor
in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it
in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s
wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand
and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former
husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that
is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives
you as an inheritance.”
God does recognize your marriage. Continue to seek God for your restoration and don’t let the devil deceive
you into thinking that allowing the divorce to go through will put you in right standing with the Lord. You are
in right standing by the forgiveness of your sins, which Jesus Christ did for you on Calvary—hallelujah!!

QUESTION: I got confused in a recent Q&A column. If a husband is in an adulterous relationship with OW
are we, as husband and wife, no longer one flesh?
ANSWER: Sorry for the confusion. That was what a pastor tried to feed me by using this verse: “Or do you
not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO WILL
BECOME ONE FLESH“ (1 Cor. 6:16). When I sought the Lord, He led me to look up the same verse in the
Greek translation.
In the original Greek, the “one flesh“ referred to when a SINGLE man, not a married man, was intimate with

a woman. This was taken from an Old Testament law. “If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not
engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to
the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he cannot
10 Questions & Answers
divorce her all his days” (Deut. 22:28). God does NOT honor ANY adulterous relationship.
 2
|
Bondage
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
—John 8:36

QUESTION: [My spouse is still in the home.] I have read through the “How God Can and Will . . .”
However, there is little material on abuse. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I have a 6 year old
(from a former marriage) and a 2 year old with my husband. He is verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
He expects me to serve him and work 40 hrs. a week. Our entire household tries desperately not to anger
him—but it still cannot be avoided. What is the hope for change in a man like this? Am I to just take it, which
teaches the kids its ok?
ANSWER: I don’t have first hand experience with some areas such as abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse.
However, I KNOW that the same scriptural principles I stood on when my husband was gone will work in all
these situations.

Don’t be as concerned about your children seeing your husband’s bad example as you are about them seeing
your example. Your example can be much more powerful. Love and humility is more powerful than any sin.
Your greatest concern should be not allowing your children to see any anger or fear on your part. This would
hurt them more than what they are witnessing from your husband.
You must believe that God is more than able to protect you and your children. Have you asked the Lord to
change your husband or take him out of your home? I have seen this work so many times. The Bible says, in
James 4:2, “You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you
fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.” When you ask the Lord to intervene, ask him to
do it for the sake of your children.

Cruelty is rampant in the world. People, especially Christians, are persecuted every day all over the world. We
all HATE to see it, but it is there. Those who are abused by their own parents or by their spouses are
especially repulsed to us; however, Jesus was our example and He, without sin, showed us what brings glory
to God and what WE are called to do.
“. . . be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to
those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up
under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you
endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds
favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an
example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND
IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats,
but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the
cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were
continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls. In the
same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the
word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and
12 Questions & Answers
respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 2:18 - 1 Pet. 3:3).
13 2. Bondage
QUESTION: I am a separated stander. My husband solicits himself on the Internet, under a false identity.
Three times a week he gets names of interested women. I believe this is a demonic spirit, which has invaded
my husband. After our marriage (a second marriage for both of us) I learned that in his first marriage this was
occurring, and lead to adulterous relationships. Six months after our Christ ordained wedding, my spouse
determined to become a prodigal. Help me to rebuke this demonic spirit.
ANSWER: I appreciate your concern for your husband, but I am afraid that attempting to fight what you
believe is a demonic spirit, is not your real problem. Your husband is clearly in sin. He is bound. But the spirit
that I am witnessing in YOU from the way you have worded your question may be just as bad.

I am sensing a spirit of a Pharisee. You seemed to have no qualms about revealing the sins of your husband,
but you have failed to share your own. Also, to say your husband is a “determined” prodigal; I would say you
are acting super spiritual.

“And He also told this parable to certain ones who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed
others with contempt: Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, and the other a tax gatherer.
The Pharisee stood and was praying thus to himself, ‘God, I thank Thee that I am not like other people:
swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax gatherer. ‘I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’
But the tax gatherer, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was
beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house
justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, but he who humbles himself
shall be exalted” (Luke 18:9–14).
The term “stander“ has been leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It seems to be synonymous with pride,
arrogance and revealing the sins of the spouse. I can’t tell you how many of these same types of letters I get
EVERY day!!! The only spirit I want to rebuke right now is the Pharisee spirit.

Spiritual arrogance is one of the greatest roadblocks in marriage restoration. This is what I refer to as a
Pharisee spirit. This is so dangerous and WILL prevent God from moving your marriage toward restoration.
In the “Be Encouraged” series, I share my own sin regarding this spiritual pridefulness that God dealt with me
about. Here is a testimony we just received:
“Just last night I prayed that God would show me what still needs to be done in me in order for my marriage
to be restored. While watching the Be Encouraged videos, I got my answer. It spoke directly to me as if you
knew me from the inside out. I have realized I am a Pharisee through and through. I am terribly ashamed of it
and am still asking the Lord’s forgiveness. I am so glad that you humbly shared so much personal testimony.
Thank you for being so honest and real.”

I share how God showed me, in His Word, that Jesus was only harsh, critical, and opposed to one set of
individuals - the Pharisees! And I was one of them! There are so many Christian women who pretended to be
spiritual on the outside but are filthy on the inside. There are so many women who look at their husband’s sins
yet neglect to look at the log in their own eye. This was me! I saw my husband, (me, and everyone else) and
HIS sin of adultery. However, no one could see my contentiousness, my deceitfulness, nor my spiritual
arrogance.
Others saw me (and I saw myself) as the “poor victim” who had been abandoned and cheated on. But I, in my
self-righteousness, was willing to forgive. I was the one desperately trying to hold our broken family together.
I was the one waiting, with open arms, to forgive my husband “the sinner” when he came to his senses, by
repenting and coming back home from the far country! Scribe, Pharisee, “white washed tomb”!! If you can
identify with this sinful and prideful mind-set, I would strongly urge to you get on your face before the Lord
14 Questions & Answers
in order to rid yourself of this attitude, that not only will inhibit restoration, but will also put you in opposition
to a sincere relationship with God.

Testimony

“Before the Lord brought me to RMI, I was the worst kind of Pharisee. I was so disgustingly self-righteous. I was a
believer who thought she was above going to church. Jesus wasn’t in the church. I thought I could be an
“intellectual follower” who was above fellowship.
I fight pride on a daily basis. Before the Lord pulled me out of my pit, I was the worst kind of arrogant,
prideful woman. I honestly believed I was better and smarter than EVERYONE else was. My poor husband . .
. I debated him at every turn. I challenged his opinions and decisions and called it playful debating. I was a
FOOL!
I lived under grace and HONESTLY thought that made it “ok” for me to mess up; now I know “may it never
be so”! I had never really read the Bible, so I had taken much of my knowledge about the Word and the Lord
from the world! I vehemently hated Catholicism and any other denomination for that matter, not fully
understanding that I was commanded to LOVE everyone. I was a false witness to others as I spoke about
“interpreting the Bible” for your own life.

When I came to RMI (PRAISE THE LORD!), He made me face my ugly and disgusting behavior, belief
system and thought processes. He showed me how transparent my “whitewashed” outside was to Him and
others, that I had failed to show God’s glory to my husband, and that I failed to bring him to the Lord. In fact,
I was responsible for pushing him away!
I fell on my face a lot in the very beginning, pleading for mercy and forgiveness. I was so ashamed that I even
felt the need to ask for forgiveness from a girlfriend in the office who I had “preached” to (in a drunken state
by the way; how I thought that was from God beats me). She in turn came to the Lord! She now walks
zealously with Him EVERYDAY!!! Praise Him! He works everything out for good for those who believe!
The Lord has been faithful to break me at every turn. He restored me to my sister, whom I had practiced my
self-righteousness on the worst, and now we are closer than ever.
I don’t think I was a Christian before all of this happened. I thank Him EVERY DAY for reaching out to me
in my time of need. I can honestly tell you that it was good that I was afflicted, that I came to know His
precepts. Sure, I’d have rather not had to lose my husband in the process, but it had to be. The Lord knew it
and now I know it and am thankful for it. I’d rather have the Lord and His love than live in Egypt with my
husband.

I have come to know and love the Lord in a way I never thought I could. He has become everything to me. I
pray for Him to forgive me for my prideful lifestyle and to break me daily. I can barely remember who I was
four months ago. My sister will tell you I am a completely different person. I’m not sure of that as I still have
a long way to go.
The Lord is faithful; He is the potter and I am the clay. I trust in Him with all my heart and all my soul. I
know that He is in control and that He will direct all of my paths!
Melanie, NC
QUESTION:

[My spouse is still in the home.] My husband is a drug addict. He recently left his Christian
15 2. Bondage
program and has come home to live with me again. He’s no longer using cocaine, which is what really drags
in to the ground, but he’s smoking cigarettes and marijuana. My friends say that I should kick him out—I
believe that God will heal this in him too, but my friends say I’m codependent. What do you feel I should do?
ANSWER: Certainly sin is at the bottom of this. I have witnessed deliverance. However, I have seen more
strongholds broken through love “that never fails” and through fasting “is this not the fast I have chosen.”
Also, codependent is NOT in the Bible. Not the term, nor this psychological idea!! Instead, the Bible; which is
the ONLY TRUTH says in Matthew 19:6, “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What
therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” First Corinthians 11:11 says, “However, in the Lord,
neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” The Lord says we are SUPPOSED
to be codependent!!! Hallelujah.

I believe too that God WILL deliver your husband from the cigarettes, marijuana and any other sin that has
him bound—hallelujah!! Continue loving him and keep him in your loving home. It won’t be long before you
will see a breakthrough. God wants to give you what you desire—a God fearing man who adores you for what
you are doing for him!
QUESTION: I found out that my husband of 29 years has a girlfriend/met her in a bar/2 little boys/custody
every 2 weeks/drinks/a loose woman. Fact. He has always been an alcoholic all our married life bringing
much pain to our children and me. I told him, if he ever wanted to come back and if I ever wanted to take him
back, there would be no more alcohol! Not willing to give it up. I love him dearly, but if the drinking stays or
women stay. He lives with her. I have worked with him/self-employed 16 years. Any advice?

ANSWER: When you give ultimatums to a person, it ALWAYS pushes them into sin. It’s almost like daring
someone. The fact is that your husband is stuck in sin. The Bible explains it this way. “His own iniquities will
capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin” (Prov. 5:22).

Your husband, as it was with my husband, needs his helpmeet to help break the cords. How? Through your

Hatred stirs uplove

unconditional strife,
for but
him.love
“ covers all transgressions” (Prov. 10:12). “He
who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends” (Prov. 17:9).
“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

And don’t try any of this so-called love that’s based in psychology. It’s not only useless; it’s dangerous. Love is
NOT tough—but it IS tough to love those who are unlovable. Yet, we ARE to love this way!! “And if you love those
who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:32). The ONLY way to
overcome the evil is to follow Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Secondly is through prayer and fasting. “But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matt.
17:21). “And I searched for a man among them who should build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me
for the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one” (Ezek. 22:30).

Usually, the Lord finds no one since most CHRISTIANS “MOVE ON” to a new Christian spouse that
everyone tells them they “deserve” and allow the one who needs them the most to perish in their sins. Hey,
what WOULD Jesus do?

QUESTION
: [My spouse is still in the home.] What should I do when my husband gets verbally abusive with
me when he gets angry about something?
16 Questions & Answers
ANSWER: Certainly our husbands are commanded to love us. However, most men do not love the way 1
Corinthians 13 tells us. So what are we, as Christian wives, to do? “In the same way, you wives, be submissive
to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a
word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1).
1– Say nothing. 2– Let you attitude be respectful toward him. “. . . not returning evil for evil, or insult for
insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a
blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9).

3– Pray blessings over him. 4– Say something kind to him once he is done reviling. “In this you greatly
rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the
proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be
found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ . . .” (1 Pet. 1:6).

5– Rejoice. How could I possibly say this? Because Jesus said in Matthew 5:39, “But I say to you, do not
King David
resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right
understood this principle as we can see from 2 Samuel 16:9–13,cheek, turn to
“Then him the
Abishai other
the also.”
son of Zeruiah said to the
king, ‘Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over now, and cut off his head.’ But the
king said, ‘What have I to do with you, O sons of Zeruiah? If he curses, and if the LORD has told him, ‘Curse
David,’ then who shall say, ‘Why have you done so?’’ Then David said to Abishai and to all his servants,
‘Behold, my son who came out from me seeks my life; how much more now this Benjamite? Let him alone and
LET HIM CURSE, for the LORD has told him. Perhaps the LORD will look on my affliction and return good
to me instead of his cursing this day.’ So David and his men went on the way; and Shimei went along on the
hillside parallel with him and as he went he cursed, and cast stones and threw dust at him.” We know that
soon after this God did “return good to him” by destroying David’s enemies and restoring to him his throne.
Also, when your husband is in the midst of his ranting, you can talk to the Lord in your mind. I used to do this
every time my husband wanted to talk with me because it almost always meant he was going to tell me
something bad like “I don’t love you and never did” or “I plan to go to an attorney next week . . .” etc.

Being confident in knowing that the Lord loves you will help you to endure. Be assured that this is a
temporary situation NO MATTER how long it has been going on!! Once you begin to apply these principles
from the Bible and BELIEVE them, you will cease to live in the “valley of the shadow of death“! We are to
pass THROUGH as the Shepherd brings us out!! You will soon see yourself “exalted” and rewarded before
the very
“He ones who
has brought wererulers
down against you!
from their thrones, and has exalted those
who were humble” (Luke 1:52). “Thou dost prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; Thou
hast anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows” (Ps. 23:5).

One final note, you mentioned that this occurs when he gets angry over “something.” If the “somethings” have
nothing to do with you, then don’t let the devil convince you that you are to blame “. . . and you shall know the
truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). If you are responsible, then graciously repent and let it go.
QUESTION: My spouse was diagnosed bipolar two years ago and needs medicine daily. He stopped his
medicine and one month later he deserted us. This is the second time in three years. He vacillates between
abandoning us loving/hating me. Is this the illness or a satanic attack? Is God’s will to restore all marriages?
Did I marry the wrong man? Does God heal mental illness today? Can this marriage be restored? How do I
trust that this won’t happen repeatedly? Are we better off with out him?

ANSWER: You have asked MANY questions! I personally believe based on Scriptures, that most, if not all,
17 2. Bondage
mental illness is demonic. “And one of the crowd answered Him, ‘Teacher, I brought You my son, possessed
with a spirit which makes him mute . . .’” (Mark 9:17). “And there was a man in the synagogue possessed by
the spirit of an unclean demon, and he cried out with a loud voice” (Luke 4:33). “And when He had come out
onto the land, He was met by a certain man from the city who was possessed with demons; and who had not
put on any clothing for a long time, and was not living in a house, but in the tombs” (Luke 8:27).

No, God does not restore ALL marriages, but He is more than able to restore ALL of them! And, yes, God
certainly can restore YOUR marriage. God is also more than able to put your husband in his right mind. Mark
5:15, “And they came to Jesus and observed the man who had been demon possessed sitting down, clothed
and in his right mind, the very man who had had the ‘legion’. . .” If Jesus can cast out a legion of demons by
simply saying “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit” then certainly He can help your husband.
I, of course, could not say whether or not you chose the right man to marry. However, once you married him,
he became your husband, period. At this point, you can choose to remain unmarried or be reconciled. “. . . let
her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband . . .” (1 Cor. 7:11). Of course, as Christians, we
are URGED to reconciliation. “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating
through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God” (2 Cor. 5:20). You alone are your
husband’s lifeline. It is up to you whether you will cut that line and so he will be lost.
QUESTION: Do the same principles apply if there is no “other woman” but instead a spouse is in bondage to
drugs, etc., as in praying for “her” to become as bitter as wormwood and “her” sharp tongue to cut the cords
of bondage to sin?

ANSWER: What an excellent question! This was something I had never been asked before so I took the day
to pray and meditate on it; seeking the Lord for the answer. The Lord showed me that His promises
concerning breaking the bondage of adultery, or unfaithfulness, would definitely also apply to drugs, alcohol
or any other sin that comes between a husband and wife. He reminded me that the Old Testament if full of the
adultery, or unfaithfulness, of Israel toward their God. We know that Jesus used the example of a husband and
wife to illustrate our relationship as a church (the bride) and Jesus (the groom). We also know that any time
we put something ahead of our love for the Lord we are being unfaithful to Him.

If I had this revelation when I believed God for my marriage restoration, and my husband was involved in
alcohol or drugs, I certainly would pray this Scripture in the same way as if a woman were involved.
 3
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Children
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.
—Psalm 127:3

QUESTION: My two teenage daughters refuse to see their father while he is living with another woman—
they say they will keep standing on the Word of God and not support his “new life” how should I handle this?
ANSWER: I have seen this help to restore marriages. I believe there are two similar situations found on our
testimonies page. However, if your daughters’ strong views or opinions have come directly from you or from
you exposing your husband’s situation, then you will have to do what you can to mend their relationship with
their father. If your husband told them about his living arrangements and the OW, and they responded with
this determination, then don’t try to get involved unless your husband asks you to. One more point, if there is
any “siding” that must go on, make sure you tell the girls that you “understand” their convictions, but be sure
you stay on your husband’s side. Remember, even though he is with the OW you are still one flesh.

QUESTION: I have been divorced for almost three months and separated for six. During the holidays my ex
husband spent Christmas with us, I went to his parents’ house and he came to mine. He ate New Year’s dinner
here at the house. We are very cordial to each other; we talk about his work, family but never us. While we
were at my parents’ he purposely bumped into me in the hall. My question to you is, won’t him coming over
and us getting along so well confuse the children? We have two who live with him and one with me.

ANSWER: Why would you think the children would be confused? They should witness the restoration of the
marriage and the power of God’s healing. Also, the children seeing you together and getting along so well
demonstrates how forgiveness works and that even though a divorce has gone through, God can still work and
heal wounded hearts and marriages.
QUESTION: We DON’T have children. For years, I was depressed/anxious/controlling/didn’t want children
(too overwhelming when I had no energy). By God’s grace, now healthy & have normal
desires/energy/behavior. I know I was a horrible wife and I regret it! Any additional advice based on 1) his
desire to have kids w/OW and 2) his family’s & counselor’s encouraging him to “move on w/life” (w/OW)?
He has strong desire to please Mom, who despises me, likes OW (he told me this). I know our situation is not
too big for God.
ANSWER: First, you need to get the hate wall down completely. If he is still “slightly” angry, it is too much.
Simply releasing your attorney may do this. If you are on one side and your husband is on the other, the hate
wall will not only NOT come down, but will increase with the help of your attorneys.

Once the hate wall is down then God can begin to turn your husband’s heart. He will begin to come around
more often. When the past comes up, then you can use that as an opportunity to confess and repent for the
kind of wife you used to be. This should lead to God fulfilling your desire for children. If you are not
divorced, then intimacy with your husband can produce “fruit“! First Samuel 1:5 says, “. . . but the LORD had
 3. Children 19
closed her womb.” God closed Hannah’s womb, but opened it as she sought the Lord.
As far as your mother-in-law, you have an opportunity right now to turn this around. On the “Be
Encouraged!” videos, I share in depth about my bad relationship with my father-in-law and how the Lord led
me to fast “for favor“ three days and how God performed a miracle! He became my advocate!! Impossible but
true!!! Watching or listening to the tapes would bless you.
QUESTION: When the children are with their father and it is Sunday and they call to see if they have to go
church, do I say yes you must come home and go to church or do I allow them this time with their father even
though it is Sunday evening?

ANSWER: The only way for them to learn respect is for you to show respect. When you honor your husband
by telling your children that they do not need to call and ask you ANYTHING since their father is in charge,
then he eventually will honor you. If the children really want to go, they can ask their dad to take them, and
hopefully, you have taught than how to ask respectfully and to accept no as final, which means not asking
again, not making a deep sigh, and of course, not talking back.

QUESTION: My first husband and I have been divorced for six years; he currently lives with o/w and has
two children, is it wrong to pray my husband back home since he has children with her?
ANSWER: Yes. Read Ezra 9 and 10 for the foundation to this principle and then get the RYM book and read
chapter 12, “Seeking God” for encouragement. I have seen the OW use a pregnancy to get a man they wanted
and when they lost interest in the child, or lost the husband lost interest in the OW, the OW no longer cared
for the child and gave the child to the father. This is what happened to a friend of mine. She showed up at my
door one day with her husband’s child; the same child she at one time said she “hated.” Her husband had
come back to her and brought his child home with him. (He had remarried, but the adulteress divorced him
when he no longer amused her and she found someone else).

QUESTION: My heart breaks as I see my young boys crying and praying every night for their father to come
home. What should I do?
ANSWER: The truth is your boy’s faith will be strengthened by this ordeal. When, not if, your husband
comes home, they will KNOW that the Lord hears and answers their prayers—not always instantly, but when
they pray faithfully. God knows how long your sons can take this time of stretching. The only thing you can
do is make sure that you stay obedient to the Lord so that your marriage will be restored.
My two youngest became real prayer warriors during our time of separation. As a matter of fact, the one who
cried the most when his daddy was gone ended up being the leader of about 30 prayer team members in our
church. (The position was previously held by an adult!) I say this to encourage you. God is doing a wonderful
thing here—do not fear!
QUESTION: [State: Ohio. Current Marital Status: divorced.] I have been (or was) married 14 years. My
husband and I have been divorced for six weeks. He has told our son he is dating a woman who was a very
close friend to our family. My son is having a hard time with this. My husband has shown affection by kissing
her in front of him. He doesn’t want to anger or hurt his father by telling him; I don’t want to shame him. How
do I deal with this? It is so painful for me also, I don’t show it but I know my son knows it hurts me very
much. I want to protect us all. I do really read your books and follow the word. I love Jesus so much. I just
want His will.

ANSWER: Only the Lord can truly protect your son. He loves your boy even more than you do. “The LORD
20 Questions & Answers
protects the strangers; He supports the fatherless and the widow; But He thwarts the way of the wicked” (Ps.
146:9). Men who are in adultery rarely fulfill their role as a father because they are deceived and caught in
sin.
This can be a wonderful opportunity for you to get closer to your son as you show love and tenderness
Rom. 8:28:
towards “And
him. Believe that God has allowed this for your good to give you this opportunity.
we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called
according to His purpose.”

Continue
“An to hold
excellent your
wife tongue and never speak against your husband to your son.
is the
crown of her husband, But she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4).
Don’t allow your
son’s anger to be fueled, but encourage him to share his hurt instead. If he is voicing anger, make sure that
you nod and do all you can to understand. Then direct it back to his hurts by uncovering what is hurting him.
Do NOT speak to your husband about this. “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who
lacks discretion” (Prov. 11:22). “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter
separates intimate friends” (Prov. 17:9).

Allow the Lord to do a work here. Speaking to your husband about this would only cause him to be more
determined to flaunt and justify his wrongdoing. You would be hurt more and there is a good possibility that
he
“Dowould isget
you not
husband very that
know
merely angry withyou
when
his slave. yourpresent
son—which could to
yourselves besomeone
disastrous.
as The enemy
slaves for is behind all of this; your
obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting
in righteousness?” (Rom. 6:16).

QUESTION:
[State: Florida. Current Marital Status: married but separated; I have an attorney.] The other
woman my husband is emotionally (supposedly not sexually) involved with is twice divorced, has a 13 yr. old
son and parents who are supporting her relationship with my married husband. I have prayed God will bring
all the adults in this picture into conviction for their parts in the destruction of my family and that they will
find salvation. Should I pray that God would rescue that child from a home where he is being taught it is okay
to destroy your own family and the families of others?
ANSWER: Sometimes we Christians make praying so complicated. When I was seriously seeking the
restoration of my marriage, I sought the Lord and tried to direct my prayers, since I really didn’t know what to
do. I prayed Scriptures that the Lord illuminated to me when I was reading my Bible.

I must tell you, I, too, prayed for conviction to come to all who were involved in encouraging, or condoning
my husband’s adultery. Only my husband ever became convicted—none of the others. I would suggest that
you concentrate your prayers on your husband’s heart.

In reference to the 13-year-old boy, children need to be with their parents so you wouldn’t want to pray for
him to be “rescued.” However, praying blessings over the parents is scriptural. “But I say to you, love your
enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . . .” (Matt. 5:44).

Also, God said not to go into court. Why do you have an attorney? “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for
you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1
Cor. 6:7 ). “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).

QUESTION: I want a baby, how should I pray since he is not in the home?
21 3. Children
ANSWER: When my husband was gone I had a miscarriage and we lost a baby. This put a GREAT desire in
me to have more children. I thought I should pray first for marriage restoration then once he was home pray to
have a baby. Then I wised up! Pray for both. The result—two months after he was home we heard someone
share about trusting God for your fertility. My husband said, “That’s it—no more birth control for us!” I was
pregnant within three months with our beautiful daughter Tara!
QUESTION: I know the OW is heavily involved in my son’s care when he is with my husband. My son
really likes her and her child also. Should I have contact with her regarding this (my son)? Isn’t everyone else
(her, her son, my son) going to be the ones hurt if I continue this and is that “right” to do to them?

ANSWER: Wouldn’t your husband be happier to be home with the wife of his youth and his own son rather
than with a woman who is not the wife of his youth and a child that is not his own. Wouldn’t it be better for
her to be with her real husband and her child to be with his own father? Also, how would your contacting the
OW help? I don’t really understand.
QUESTION: Do we encourage our children to pray for their father to come home? What about the children
who still live at home should they attend church with you?
ANSWER: As far as praying, when children are young and much more pliable, there is no reason why
(hopefully because of your example and the kind words you share about their father) they wouldn’t WANT to
pray for their father to come home. However, older children (teens and grown) may have bitter feelings about
their father or about the marriage and may not want restoration.
It really depends upon how good your relationship is with them. If you have taken the time to become close
with your children, then they will share your desire for your marriage to be healed. If not, this is the time to
concentrate on becoming closer. This is usually done best by LISTENING to their past hurts and confessing a
LOT of your faults. This will help them understand that it was not ALL your husband’s doing. Don’t make the
mistake of justifying your husband’s sin or defending him with the children. Listen and be on their side. Once
they sense you are on their side, they will get on yours and pray for your marriage and the family to be
restored.

QUESTION:
children? I know that your book says not to call your spouse unless they ask you to, but what about your
ANSWER:
It is more than all right that children keep in contact with their father, especially if they are old
enough to make the calls on their own accord. However, many women try to fool their husband into thinking
that it is the child who wants to call when if fact it is the wife who wants to make contact. This is a game that
should never be played. Also, make sure that you never send messages through your children to their father,
and that you encourage, not force them to call.
QUESTION: I have never heard it mentioned—the Lord restoring a marriage that doesn’t have children,
although I know he can.
ANSWER: As for children helping restoration, I can’t say that I ever noticed that there were no marriages
restored when there were no children. Maybe you took the time to read through all of the testimonies; maybe
it’s true, I can’t say. However, I have seen that those who have young children or those who have many
children are normally restored much more quickly. I believe it is because of this scriptural principle. “But
women shall be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with
self-restraint” (1 Tim. 2:15). Some versions use the word “protected.” I have seen this scriptural truth verified
MANY times.
22 Questions & Answers

QUESTION:
My husband’s new wife also told the kids there is no reason we all can’t sit together at the
children’s violin and piano recitals? We have one tonight and I need to seek the Lord as to what to do. It
seems she is trying to blend us all together. So according to Psalm 1, I am not to stand in the way of this and
do what she says?
ANSWER: As for sitting together at the recitals, if you are on that friendly of terms, go ahead and sit with
them. When my husband was with the OW I made it my heart’s desire to do all that I could to prevent
combining the two families, since I did not want the situation to become “comfortable” and I also wanted to
“Therefore she said to Abraham, ‘Drive out this maid and her son, for the son of this
protect my children.
maid shall not be an heir with my son Isaac.’ And the matter distressed Abraham greatly because of his son.
But God said to Abraham, ‘Do not be distressed because of the lad and your maid; whatever Sarah tells you,
listen to her, for through Isaac your descendants shall be named.’ So Abraham rose early in the morning, and
took bread and a skin of water, and gave them to Hagar, putting them on her shoulder, and gave her the boy,
and sent her away” (Gen. 21:10–14).

At this point, I am not sure what would be best. If your husband tries to “blend” then follow his lead; but if it is the
new wife who is pursuing this avenue, I would graciously try to avoid it.
QUESTION: My girls are asking why I still want my husband and are becoming angry toward him—I
remind them he is still their dad & deserves respect. How do I encourage their love for him?
ANSWER: To answer your question regarding your older children, you must demand respect for your
husband if your children still live with you. If they refuse, their opposition could stop restoration. If they are
out of the home, then you must win them over by your example.
 4
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Church
So the churches were being strengthened in the faith, and were increasing in number daily.
—Acts 16:5

QUESTION: [State: Arkansas Current Marital Status: married.] Do we not go to church at all until they come
home? What about Easter? How do we have family time when he takes her away? How do we postpone the
topic of divorce? What do you mean by a “Quiet time“ meaning not praying, just sitting? I don’t quite
understand that one. When a husband is out of the home; for the spiritual growth of both you and your
children, you should attend church regularly?

ANSWER: To postpone talking of divorce is really a matter of prayer and being led by the Holy Spirit. Also,
it’s being careful about EVERYTHING you say. Most husbands are looking for an opening, and when you
give one, they jump right in. Many husbands are scared to bring it up even when the OW is pressing them to
do it. If you are ALWAYS kind and always LISTENING rather than talking, and RESPOND favorably to all
that your husband shares with you, it will NEVER come up.

A quiet time can be reading your Bible or praying or singing praises to the Lord, but sometimes it is just
sitting in His presence. I didn’t understand it either until I experienced it. All these things (reading your Bible
or praying or singing praises) are necessary, but just sitting in His presence does more to change a person and
heal a person than anything else. You simply designate a special time for you and the Lord. You might begin
with one of these other things (reading your Bible or praying or singing praises) then sit for a few minutes
before leaving. The time will probably increase as you go.
QUESTION: I am concerned about the fact that you do not think I should continue to go to church without
my husband. I have met many Christian couples who started to attend church without their unbelieving spouse
and through their going, and their examples, the unbelieving spouse developed an interest in going with them
eventually. Sometimes, I feel besides reading my Bible and praying, this is my only refuge to not feeling
alone or lonely. Can you give me some advice on this because I feel hopeless?

ANSWER: If your husband is still living in the home, you should NOT attend church without him unless he
has told you he wants you to go. If you do you are usurping his authority; which is rebellion. You are shaming
him, which is rottenness to his bones. It is also useless.

What good will it do if you continue to grow, and grow apart from your husband, while your husband stays
out of church. However, you can certainly attend women’s Bible studies or better yet, meet with someone
who wants to improve their marital relationship and go through A Wise Woman workbook for women with
her. “And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a
woman to speak in church” (1 Cor. 14:35). Yet, your spiritual strength will come from your time ALONE
with the Lord and your spiritual growth will come from your time in God’s Word as He leads you into all
truth.

Women who “share the shame” of not being in church (people will assume you are either backslidden or that
you have “missed God”) also learn to pray fervently!
24 Questions & Answers

Those who go to church without their husbands say a little prayer that their husband will come with them
someday. But, when a woman KNOWS that she cannot go to church without her husband, then she prays
FERVENTLY in her prayer closet!! Trust me, I know! I have seen the fruits of the faithfulness of these
women!
And why do your fret because God and His Word are your “only refuge”—REJOICE!! What better place than
with Him? If your husband is NOT in the home then you are free to go and bring your children. You are at
present the spiritual leader of the home. However, if your husband is coming around and is still involved in
your lives, then take advantage and remain available for him to step in and take his spiritual leadership role
which will lead to his taking his full role. That’s what I did and it is covered in depth in the “Be Encouraged!”
series.
QUESTION: A divorce has been filed. I just became a Christian in February of this year. Our marriage was a
mess. My husband had left a month before. He came back and fourth for a while. Of course I made a lot of the
mistakes mentioned in your book. We both started going to church sometimes together sometimes not. He has
since move two hours away and doesn’t go to church much. Our daughters go to church with me. My husband
doesn’t really believe my changes will last. Am I supposed to stop going to church? He will think I am up to
my old ways.
ANSWER: Since your husband is living away, you are responsible to guide your children. I continued to go
to church until my husband was around to lead us. Continue to go to church unless your husband tells you not
to go. When he comes home, then it is his responsibility to lead the family.

QUESTION: [I am divorced.] Daughter and I have been attending a nondenominational church rather than
the Catholic Church that we attended when our family was together. They were having a special kid’s crusade
last week; I had prayed that my husband would take her to it one night, since he was picking her up from day
care for me while I was still at work. She asked on her own, and he said NO! He would not take her to any
church that wasn’t Catholic. So now, I don’t know how to handle this. I have prayed on which church to
attend with our daughter. He asked once many months ago, what kind of church we were going to. I told him
a non-denominational closer to our home. Do I change and go back to the one we did go to? He certainly
didn’t seem pleased, in talking to our daughter. When we went to the Catholic Church, I always felt it was a
peaceful place, but now I don’t feel that they guide you as much in the word. Also I don’t see, although we
walk by faith, my husband coming around to see me, although praise the Lord, he does see our daughter a lot,
and more now, since I have had to work some later hours.

I just read on your site, that if he isn’t coming around that the hate wall is still up, I thought it was down, he
doesn’t seem angry, we don’t fight, I don’t pursue him, I feel I have let go, I am pleasant when he calls. He
seems to be in some financial dilemma, which has in turn effected the funds he gives to me, but God has been
faithful to get me through, even having my husband fill up the car with gas, and a friend brought groceries and
dog food, but I don’t see him coming closer to me, he has me meet him to exchange our daughter, therefore he
doesn’t come to our home. I pray for family time somehow. I have prayed about the church situation and
looked, but am not clear as to what to do. Can you guide me in this?

ANSWER: This is a situation where you really need to seek the Lord. I can give you principle, but the Lord
really needs to guide you for your particular situation.
Since your husband is not home with you, then you are the spiritual leader, for a time. If you and your
daughter get more out of the nondenominational church, then go there. Your husband has not said for you
“not to go” so to submitting to his reaction MAY be trying to please him rather than trying to please the Lord.
4. Church 25
This is why you need to seek the Lord. Maybe you could ask Him to have your husband “directly” tell you
that he would rather you not go to any other church.
 5
|
Communication with Spouse
But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.
—Matthew 5:37

QUESTION: [State: Illinois.] How can I bring about communication between my husband and me? My
husband needs the Word of God and has no resources to get it to him. Should I leave this completely to God
or can or should I have someone send the men’s book and men’s manual? I do not want to drive my husband
away anymore. He needs God’s Word and truth. What can I do? I have no pastor or counselor to help us. We
need help. I seek and search God’s Word daily.

ANSWER: Just leave it to God. If you get someone to send him the manual, you will be making a mistake.
Your husband must be ready and willing to hear the truth.
Whenever someone contacts us desiring to send their spouse a book or workbook, we do all we can to
persuade them not to. God has called us to do all we can to help others restore their marriages—not to sell
books. God knows your husband needs the Word and a strong relationship with Him, but He doesn’t need
help from you. The best way to help your husband is for you to make all the changes God wants to make in
you, and trust God to make all the necessary changes in your husband.

QUESTION: [State: California. My spouse lives with someone else. A divorce has been filed. I am divorcing
my spouse.] I believe God is dealing with my tongue and I came to Him with the questions and remarks I
wanted to make to my husband. I felt Him saying to fast these things and react absolutely the opposite and my
husband would be amazed. Does this sound crazy? Just need to know if I’m on the right track.
ANSWER: I am sure you are on the right track. God wants ALL OF US to fast the remarks and questions that
we want to say to our spouses. It’s the tongue that keeps marriages in crisis. Those who learn to shut their
mouths are those who find the blessings of peace, a spouse who desires them again, and eventually a restored
marriage.
Between the book and workbook, I believe there are at least six, maybe seven chapters that deal with keeping
our mouths CLOSED. If we spent our energy and our time talking to our Lord and heavenly Father in our
prayer closest instead of telling our spouses all that we have a burning desire to say, we would see MANY
more restored marriages.
Questions are NEVER good. An apology is good only ONCE; after that it is badgering (unless the spouse
brings it up again, then repent again). Telling our spouses (when they are wayward) of our deep love for them
is NOT good, unless the spouse who is gone FIRST states it. Sharing your “woes” with them is
DESTRUCTION to the max! Those who have left are trying to LEAVE TROUBLE, so why would they want
to come back if you are in the midst of it?

Also, I hope that you just made a mistake when you checked the box on the questionnaire that says you are
divorcing your spouse. That’s not true, is it? Please don’t make the mistake of your life by filing for a divorce.
No matter what you may be thinking, it is wrong! If you just clicked the wrong button—THANK THE
 5. Communication with Spouse 27
LORD!!
28 Questions & Answers

IQUESTION:
have a question about not pursuing my husband. You say not to write or call. My husband is
in Germany right now and we usually stay in contact through email. What if it is a situation where I need to
know something important that has to do with his baby? Also, if he emails me should I just write him back
with no emotion? If he says something sweet can I tell him that I love him and miss him? I’m not sure exactly
what to do.
ANSWER: If he is writing to you, then respond. But, be careful about sharing your concerns or giving him
signs that could be interpreted to mean that you are in distress—this will continue to drive him away. Men
who have left are looking for greener pastures and happiness. When the wife left behind is in constant “need,”
he tells himself he has done the right thing by leaving.
Be determined to seek help only from the Lord. The devil will try to push you to go to your husband with your
needs, but don’t give in. When all your husband hears is praise, happiness and joy, it will draw him home. But
it has to be GENUINE. That’s why you must be sure you have a strong and loving relationship with the Lord.
Trouble will continue to be in your husband’s life; whether he tells you about it or not. It will eventually move
him out of where he is. The question is, “Will it be back home or to someone else?” You and your attitude
will be the deciding factor.
As far as what to say or not say, it’s as simple as responding as he does. If he says “I love you.” Say, “I love
you, too!” If he says “write back” then say “I will” and do it. Just be careful to always respond with no more
nor less. It might be wise to say, “Since you told me to write, I thought I would. Everything is great here; hope
everything is fine with you.” Then go on with news but share NOTHING troublesome. If he says things are
terrible, don’t say, “They are here, too” just say, “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

QUESTION: [State: South Carolina. Present Marital Status: married but separated.] I have had no contact,
communication with my husband since he left our home without warning eight months ago. He is living with
his parents and we reside in a “large” city with little chance of “running into one another.” Since he doesn’t
want to speak to me or see me, how will he know that I have changed? Is there anything else I can do other
than pray, fast and wait?

ANSWER: You mentioned on the questionnaire that you have the videos. The answer to your question is
found on many of them. I share how God is the one who brings your husband to you (from wherever he may
be living) when you have been changed sufficiently. We serve a mighty God. As a believer, our life is in His
hands. Is there anything too difficult for Him?
If you haven’t seen your husband yet, after eight months, then God either has more changes He wants to make
in you or it is just not yet His perfect timing. My husband disappeared for three months. During that time God
COMPLETELY broke me. Then a crisis hit and I prayed that my husband would be there, God instantly made
it happen
QUESTION: [Present Marital Status: divorced my husband has remarried.] I have a feeling I have not
completely let go. We did send birthday cards from all of us, and purchase birthday gifts for him. He always
has gotten gifts for us and I feel funny just receiving. Should we not get him gifts or cards? We have sent
thank you notes to his office for gifts the children have received from him. One time the new wife said to the
children that it is OK for them to send the thank you notes to the house. When the children have birthdays we
let him know and he comes over to have some cake. I did write a letter to him and said you are free to go etc.
and he said he liked that!!

ANSWER: If he sends cards or gifts to you, then you can send or give to him. It’s only “pursuing“ when it’s
29 5. Communication with Spouse
the one interested in restoring the marriage who is doing all the sending of cards and giving of gifts to the
spouse who doesn’t want anything to do with them.
Unless the gift has your name on it, make sure the thank you note is signed with only the children’s names. If
the gift does include your name on it then you should sign the thank you note also.
Continue to send your cards and gifts to his office unless he tells you otherwise. Don’t listen to what the new
wife says; you want to build a relationship with the children’s father, not with the new wife. If the children
receive a gift, and her name is also included on the card, then include her name on the thank you note.
However, don’t address her as Mrs. (your last name) or second mom or whatever. Just use her first name.
QUESTION: [State: California. Current Marital Status: married but separated. I told my spouse to leave. I
suspect there is someone.] On one of your tapes you mentioned that before restoration my husband asked you
if you meant what you said about all being forgiven and he could come home. In order for this comment to be
made you two must have discussed it before. Did he bring the topic up or did you? Is there ever a time that we
can ask them to come home? The hate wall is down; he is more attentive, more supportive. We spend more
time talking, more affection.
ANSWER: Since you have the “Be Encouraged!” tapes, you know that the Lord impressed upon me the week
before my husband was to go to court, to apologize for all that I had done to contribute to the destruction of
our marriage. I was on a seven day fast. I did confess and told him that if he ever had a desire to come home,
that I wanted him to know that I forgave him so that he would never doubt the way I felt.
If you have already asked for forgiveness, then do NOT speak of it again UNLESS he brings it up. If you
haven’t then pray for an opportunity. Pray for the Lord to give you the words you should speak (I first wrote
down what I thought I should say, read it out loud then shuddered! Then I asked the Lord to tell me what to
say, wrote that down and God blessed it.) My confession didn’t stop the divorce. But God was testing my
heart to see if I would obey and to find out what my motivation was. I felt concerned that if I failed to repent
of ALL before the divorce, that maybe my husband would later say, “If you had only told me BEFORE the
divorce I would not have gone through with it.”

I NEVER asked him to come home. At one point, he was so troubled that he was crying ASKING me what he
should do. I wanted to scream “COME HOME!” but I didn’t! I knew that he needed to hear God calling to his
heart “GO HOME!” And the Lord faithfully did that in His perfect timing. However, I did notice in your
questionnaire that you asked your husband to leave. If you have not repented of this, then do it. As you are
repenting to your husband, you can ask him to come home. This is the ONLY exception—when the one
seeking restoration is the one who asked their spouse to leave. Only speak of it this one time—then leave it to
God.

QUESTION: My husband is still with this woman, but has been coming to see me a lot. I know that I am to
be loving and kind to my husband and I truly feel that way but he has made the remark several times that
maybe he wants both me and the other woman. Am I following scripture by having him stop here and
discussing his problems with this other woman with me? I listen and am always careful not to criticize or
judge anyone.

ANSWER: Do NOT discuss “other woman problems” with your husband. It is not only wrong but it will

“In the same

destroy way,
you and you wives,
strengthen hisberelationship
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to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and
respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1).
30 Questions & Answers

When he tries to bring it up, remain quiet and agreeable. If you do not actively participate by asking questions
or reasoning with your husband, usually the conversation will die off. And of course, pray all the while that
the Lord will deliver you and if asked to respond, that He will give you the proper “short” and “respectful”
answer. “Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil“
(Eph. 6:11).

QUESTION: My husband isn’t contacting me at all and I am under spiritual attack that is different than ever
before. God keeps telling me to grab the hem of His garment. How do I grab the hem?

ANSWER:
It’s amazing to me how the Lord leads and speaks to women in the same way when they are
seeking Him for the restoration of their marriage! I supposed I should not be surprised since Hebrews 13:8
reminds us, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes and forever” and that our heavenly Father is
“without respect of persons” (1 Pet. 1:17).
When things began to get “rough” in my walk, the Lord admonished me also to “grab hold of the hem of My
Garment.” The way I sought to “grab the hem” was by drawing very close to Him by staying in the Word by
spending much more quiet time with Him and by trying to hear Him more. I also pulled out of many church
events and other commitments to keep myself quiet so that I would not be surprised by the “sudden fear.” “Do
not be afraid of sudden fear, nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes . . .” (Prov. 3:25).

What I supposed was that there were rough waters ahead and He was warning me. “When you pass through
the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the
fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you” (Isa. 43:2). There were rough waters, but I made it
through by staying close to Him. It was a VERY short time later that my marriage was restored. “And
besought him that they might only touch the hem of his garment: and as many as touched were made perfectly
whole” (Matt. 14:36).
QUESTION: My husband filed for divorce and moved out of state. He recently told me that he feels very bad
about divorcing me. I didn’t say anything. If he feels bad about it, why is he doing it? How should I respond
when/if he says this again?

ANSWER: This question has been asked numerous times and is covered in depth on the videos. It could be
“The
summedmindupofinman plans
these his way, But the LORD directs his step” (Prov. 16:9).
verses:
“Thou hast removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am
shut up and cannot go out” (Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances
are in darkness” (Ps. 88:18). How to answer is found in Proverbs 17:28, “Even a fool, when he keeps silent,
is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is counted prudent.”

QUESTION
: I wanted to know if I ordered the book for men, could I send it to him (my ex) anonymously or
have it delivered to me and have a friend send it to him anonymously. I read somewhere that if you know of
someone who is going through marriage problems or is divorced to either give them a tract or send it to them
anonymously. I don’t know if anyone has ever asked you this question before or not. I’ve not seen any
question like this on the Q&A before. Can you please give me your input? I do have the book and workbook
for women.
ANSWER: No, don’t buy the men’s book for your husband. It will do more harm to restoration. When we try
to “help God out” or we continue to try to manipulate our spouse, we have proven that we still don’t trust God
and we add more time to wander in the desert. Our office staff is trained to ask someone who is buying a
book for the opposite sex if they are buying it for their spouse. If they are, we won’t sell it to them. I don’t
31 5. Communication with Spouse
care one bit about making money; I care about restoring marriages. God wants to do a work in YOU and then
He will turn your husband’s heart back home.
QUESTION: My husband has moved out of the house. I do not call him but he calls me every 3–4 days. He
said he would like ME to call him; this goes against “winning him without a word.” I never know when he is
home. My husband said he is coming to visit me sometime this week. I really don’t know what to talk about. I
have asked for his forgiveness but he says he can’t forget. He moved out 3 months ago because of my
unfaithfulness to him 10 months ago. He says he wants to be friends. He knows I love him. I pray, but no
answer.
ANSWER: Since he has specifically asked you to call him—CALL HIM! Ask the Lord “what to talk about”
before you call. Being brief and saying that you will “call again soon” is better than not calling when he has
asked you to. Only the Lord can help your husband forget. You said you watched the videos. Have you prayed
the way I suggested? It works!!
Praise the Lord for his desire to want to be friends. This is an open door. He is pursuing a friendship, now you
MUST RESPOND. When I mention NOT PURSUING I am referring to when a spouse is trying to get away.
If your husband wants a friendship then have a friendship, but do not pursue more than that. Let him lead and
take things to the next step.
QUESTION: How can God restore our marriage when my husband moved out and I have little or no contact
with him? How will he know that I have been changed? Please understand that everyone I talk to, including
pastors, tell me “you just need to go on with your life.” Our divorce isn’t even final yet! I just need to hear
God WILL restore instead of “Well, you know God won’t manipulate your husband’s will.”
ANSWER: You must begin to exhibit the “gentle and quiet” spirit that the restoration book talks about or
your marriage is doomed. It is not enough to believe you must apply. Your husband does have a will, but God
can turn his heart once you have the heart God wants you to have.

As far as contact, when God has had an opportunity to mold and change you to have the “gentle and quiet”
spirit (and anything else He has gently been trying to change in you) THEN God will provide an opportunity
for your husband to contact you. He is the creator of the UNIVERSE—He can and will have your husband get
in touch with you when He has completed this work in you. Believe me, God is faithful and I have already
prayed for you to have this opportunity. BUT BE FOREWARNED, if you haven’t changed, your husband
will turn right around and walk out of your life again!
QUESTION: My husband contacted me by phone. It was a good conversation but early on he wanted to
“talk” and I said it’s not the right time; I just want to be your friend now. He said we’d talk when I’m ready
then. We continued talking a half hour after that, all nice. Is it a good sign that he is okay not pushing to talk
and turned the timing over to me? God answered my prayer with his call. The day before I asked Him to lead
my husband to call. Is it a good sign talk was good with us?

ANSWER: Yes, it is a very good sign. When your husband calls again; as God continues to answer your
prayers, pray about being READY to listen to your husband and allow him to “talk.” Most men do not want to
talk about issues that are uncomfortable for them. But if your husband is ready to talk, it is important that you
are ready to listen. This will mean without negative or strained comments from you. No defending yourself, as
this will certainly drive him away. If you “take” the hurts, anger, frustrations and disappointments “from”
your husband, then he can heal and so will your marriage.
But how do you do this? Think as though your mission from the Lord is to collect all these negative things
32 Questions & Answers
and bring them to foot of the cross. However, you cannot be totally silent while your husband shares. He must
hear “yes,” “you’re right” and AFFIRMATIVE statements while he is sharing. If he gives you time to
comment, use the time to agree and then point other areas where you have failed him and your marriage.
MOST husbands do NOT want to talk, so for those whose husbands DO NOT want to “talk” let me share this:
If your husband calls or comes to see you, allow a friendship to develop. Forget and forgive the past. Weeks,
months or years from now it may be time to talk about the difficult issues. I compare it to a scab over a
wound. When you “pick it” it never heals. Most men do not like to “talk” like we women like to “talk.” But
when you do talk, keep in mind that if these conversations stay pleasant and non-confrontational; he will be
back for more.
QUESTION: For more than two years, I have had only his pager number. All other friends have his number
and know where he lives. He started calling and courting me. Gives no financial support, associates only with
single men and one who has left his wife at least five times and speaks very negatively about her. Constantly
talks about what all he and his friends do together. Courting and calling has decreased drastically. Mother-in-
law made a comment that he says I can call him sometime too. Should I start paging him just to say hi or talk?
Note: sometimes he returns the page and other times he does not.
ANSWER: No. You must wait for the Lord to prompt him by turning his heart to you. It may be that the Lord
has reduced the amount of time you spend together as a protection for you; since to hear talk of what he does
with his friends can be painful. The fact that you only have his pager number and do not know where he lives
is a BIG sign that the Lord, indeed, is concerned about protecting your heart.
The only time that you want to start paging him is if HE asks you to. Many women misunderstand the point of
not pursuing and take it too far. When their husband calls and leaves a message, they don’t even call him
back! Or when their husbands ask them to call them “sometime” they don’t. This is not “not pursuing,” this is
practicing the same rebellion that probably led to the marital crisis. But prompting from a mother-in-law or
anyone else does not count. Once again, only call if he asks you to page him.

QUESTION: After five months of no communication, my husband has called three times in the last week. He
wants his name off of our mortgage and has asked that I do this. He said he has forgiven me and still loves me
but wants a divorce. He said we could be friends after the divorce. What do I do?

ANSWER: Do what he asks at every step of the way. Withhold nothing. When he asks you to do something,
ask the Lord how you can do more. “And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your
coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two” (Matt. 5:40–41).

If you can do whatever your husband asks, and do it joyfully, it will totally blow him away! Remember: give
expecting nothing, asking for nothing and taking nothing in return. This is the most powerful spiritual warfare
that anyone can wage.

QUESTION: I saw my husband for the first time in about a month. He wanted to see our one year old
daughter. During the visit I noticed that he had a birthday card from the OW and she wrote on the card “a start
to a forever relationship.” I didn’t say anything about the card. The next day he asked me to come over again
so I went. He said well you know that I am seeing someone else. I thought you had someone because you
never called, I stayed quiet and just listened. He told me that he hated the man he has become, and that he
didn’t want me to find anyone else and to give him some time. I said okay. The next day he called and told me
that we have hurt each other in the past and that we could not make it. He said he knows that I have a
boyfriend (which is not so) and he started talking very ugly about me. When he finished I said okay. He got
angry and said I act like this is nothing. Did I respond correctly? He was saying so many ugly things about
 5. Communication with Spouse 33
me. I didn’t want to argue with him, I just agreed with him.
ANSWER: Yes, you did the right thing. You are in a spiritual war zone. Your proper responses and the way
that you have changed, through seeking the Lord, have brought your husband around again. Your agreeable
attitude and your sweetness are what made him say that he hates the man he has become and why he doesn’t
want you to find someone else but give him some time. Then when you agreed, it solidified it for your
husband. But then the enemy came in! He is a thief. He began to really bombard your husband with all the
thoughts of despair that he later told you. Let me assure you that the devil would not have let your husband
alone until he gave in and told you. This verse gives us some insight into spiritual warfare: “Submit therefore
to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
You see, the only way to resist the devil, so that he will flee, is to FIRST submit to God. This will only
happen on your husband’s side when he comes home. But that is what the devil is trying to stop. Your
husband’s heart is turning back home; God is doing that. And because of the change in you, the gentle, quiet
and agreeable spirit He is giving you, your husband’s will is now to come home to you. However, the devil
will continue to try and get you to stop doing what you have been doing. He will be able to keep your husband
doing his dirty work (that is until your husband submits to God’s will and comes home), but if the devil can’t
sway you or confuse you, then you will see your husband break free from the cords that have him bound.

Watch out for temptations. Don’t doubt what you have learned and how you are now obeying. Don’t let your
husband’s comments worry you. They are GOOD SIGNS in restoration!! It can only turn bad if you turn back
or give in. You are well on your way to restoration!

QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] My husband and I are growing further apart and not closer. We
talked just months ago but now he says that he does not want any conversation. This week he told my children
(4, 6, 9) that he still loves me, I’ve changed but that we were not meant to be together and that he spends a lot
of time with a lady friend because he is lonely! What can I do? Things are getting worse! I am giving him the
room he wants but we are drifting apart and he instead is going towards this OW! What have I missed?

ANSWER: In our heads and hearts we want to be kind to our husbands so we often initiate conversation
when passing in the hall, when in the same room, when he calls, etc. However, at this point it would be wise
to refrain even from this. Do ALL that you can to not initiate anything, even to “appear” cold. Stay totally
focused on your love and relationship with the Lord. It is a scary step and you will think that he will feel that
you no longer care.

If you have the videos, then you know that there was a time when I PURPOSELY tried to avoid contact and
conversation with my husband. It was terrifying for me, but it was short lived. When he did talk to me, I made
sure I was kind, with kind eyes, but I was VERY short in my response, not at all like the Erin he knew.

Also, I sought the Lord for something more that I could do for Him. I ministered to women in their homes and
sometimes it kept me out late. Prior to that, I was at home “waiting and hoping” for a call or visit—and he
knew it! When I really let go and stopped worrying about what he was thinking or would think, I saw the Lord
turn his heart completely to me. It didn’t break the adulterous relationship, but his heart was TOTALLY mine
again, which is what you desire. What it did was to bring my husband to the place where he sought me.

Also, when I fell IN LOVE with the Lord my husband KNEW there was “someone else” in my life. He began
to fear that he might lose me. He was willing to throw me away; yet, he didn’t want anyone else to have me.
This is not a game; it must be real. Being preoccupied with the love of the Lord and His service will result in a
complete change. The time to move is now—the divorce must be stopped (unless it is for the Lord’s glory that
it goes through)!
34 Questions & Answers

QUESTION:
My husband and I have been separated for 10 months (there is an OW) and we had a
tumultuous 9-year marriage. I caused it all with my controlling spirit and horrible tongue. I fully realize how
much I hurt him. I have apologized to my husband in both word and letter but I feel so bad about it that most
times when we are together I feel burdened to apologize even more. (I am not pursuing him.) Is this harming
our restoration? I want him to fully know our situation is totally MY fault.
ANSWER: Yes, it is. Don’t keep harping on it. If he brings up how bad you were and there needs to be an
apology, then its okay to apologize again. Otherwise, the guilt and condemnation are from the devil. You will
drive your husband away since this kind of continued apologizing makes everyone uncomfortable.

QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] In as much as my husband and I are not in touch with each other,
how can he see the changes that have taken place in me?
ANSWER: This is definitely one of the questions we are asked most often. The One who needs to SEE the
changes in you is the Lord. God wants you to concentrate on your relationship with Him, not on your
husband. Many women never see their marriages restored because they are obsessed with their husband and
their marriage instead of being obsessed with the Lord. “Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you
the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4).

During the time your husband is gone, you must keep your eyes focused on the Lord and continue to
concentrate on the changes that need to be made in you. Just as the Lord allowed your husband to be removed
from you,
“Thou hastHe will bring him back—in His timing—when He knows you are ready, not before.
removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and
cannot go out.” “Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps.
88:8, 18).

God is certainly able to turn your husband’s heart back to you . “The king’s heart is like channels of water in
the
Youhand
knowofyou
thehave
LORD; He turns
made it wherever
changes and He wishes” (Prov. 21:1).
may think you are ready for your husband’s return. But, just as it was with me, you are on a journey. At some
point, if you are headed the RIGHT way, you and your husband’s paths will intersect. It is a walk of faith, not
of sight. That is why you need to walk and work “with God.” “For nothing will be impossible with God”
(Luke 1:37).

QUESTION:
I have just ordered some books from your ministry. I have read many books [she included the
list] but my situation is no better. I even have sent my husband cards and letters, but over the last 7 months,
we have only had contact five times. Any ideas?
ANSWER: Let me begin with the books that you have read that have not improved your situation. They have
not helped for two reasons. First and foremost, none are based and centered on Biblical principles. When God
created the universe, He put into place Spiritual laws. When we violate these laws we suffer the
consequences; just as if we had violated a physical law like the law of gravity. These books will not help if
they do not address the root cause of your problem, but merely “try” to treat the symptoms.

On top of not helping, many times, or maybe most of the time, they actually do more damage to your
marriage. Most are based on psychology. The other reason these books have not helped is because they are
merely pointing the way. How can anyone really know how to restore a marriage if they have NEVER had to
do it? Unless someone has walked in your shoes, can they really appreciate your situation or truly understand
what you are going through? I found when I sought help, that so many were anxious to tell me what to do or
not do.
35 5. Communication with Spouse

Unfortunately, they didn’t have to suffer the consequences that I had to endure when their suggestions either
didn’t work (which brought in despair), or they backfired and made my situation worse. I will never and have
never advised anyone to do something that I haven’t done or wouldn’t do if I were in the same situation. And
it is always founded in Scripture. Smalley, Chapman and the others have no clue of what you are enduring or
any understanding of what it takes to restore a marriage.

I certainly am NOT trying to gain a following; frankly, I would never choose to be in this type of ministry.
But since God has called me to it, I will only speak the truth based on what the Lord has shown me. The
books that you have ordered from Restore Ministries will give you the same principles and the verses that you
must follow if you want restoration. This is NOT about following me, but following the LORD. These books
must be a beginning to really seeking Him and His ways, not an attempt to follow me or anyone else.

Specifically, your letter reveals some errors that must be corrected. Do not contact your husband, ever. The
restoration book explains why, but we also have a brochure that goes into the reasoning in greater depth. It
was written primarily for those who are or have been a part of Covenant Keepers. (You will find the brochure
“Standing” for Your Marriage at the end of the book in References.)
Also, I was told that you ordered a men’s restoration book. I have asked that a refund check be issued for the
book and it not be included in your order since usually, out of ignorance, a woman who is desperate will give
it to her husband. This is in violation of the principles found in Ephesians 5:23–24, “For the husband is the
head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the
church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” And in 1 Timothy
2:11–12, “Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to
teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” However, if you purchased the men’s book for a
friend or relative, and not for the purpose of giving it to your husband or reading it yourself (for this too is
dangerous), then please contact us and we will be happy to send it out and adjust the shipping as if it had gone
out in the original order.
QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] My husband knows that I am interested in a whole new marriage
relationship with him, but you say the wife should not pursue the partner that doesn’t want to be involved. My
fear is that if I don’t maintain some contact, as I have done in the past, he will interpret this as my having
changed my fickle mind again and no longer interested in our marriage. Do your principles also apply to the
woman who has left and wants to come back home?

ANSWER: The principles do apply. Since you have already relayed your interest in him and have repented,
then you MUST leave the rest in God’s hands. This does not mean that when you see each other, through his
contacting you or through involvement with the children, that you act cool or cold toward him. This is your
opportunity to show him you care for him by your eye contact and your countenance. Everyone is drawn to
those who care for them.

When God allows the marriage to crumble, He intents for it to become totally NEW. The way you begin to
REBUILD will determine how sound the house will be when it is complete. Prov. 24:3–4 says, “By wisdom a
house is built, and by understanding it is established; And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious
and pleasant riches.” The new foundation (Trusting in God and His Word) must be based on His principles
(the Rock) or you will only be rebuilding on SINKING SAND. Nothing that has happened so far is by chance.
But when we work “with God,” then the seemingly impossible future of a restored marriage will become
possible!

QUESTION: My husband is in & out of hospital with kidney stones. Should I visit/call/send card?
36 Questions & Answers

ANSWER:
As to whether you should visit, send cards, or call your husband is determined by your
relationship with him. Has he asked you to call him, or has he made it clear he no longer wants a relationship
with you? To pursue someone who is ATTEMPTING to get away will only intensify his demise for you. If,
however, you are still close, then send him flowers, call to see if he got them and ask him if he would like a
visit. If he says “no” to anything, or sounds as if he is tired or doesn’t want to talk, GET OFF THE PHONE—
QUICKLY!
QUESTION: We have been separated for two years. My husband calls, comes by, and we are intimate. He’s
commented on working on our differences, but we NEVER talk about our situation. I don’t see how we are
working on differences when we don’t discuss anything. Is there ever a time that we should initiate a
conversation about this topic?
ANSWER: YOU should NEVER initiate a conversation on such a DANGEROUS topic. Some make it
through such a talk, but MOST do not! What God is doing, is showing your husband that the two of you can
live harmoniously. To open up and talk about the troubles of the past is like picking a scab. It will bleed
profusely and not heal until it is left alone. If you continue to pick, you will be left with a permanent scar.
My husband and I NEVER talked about “stuff” for years! If it weren’t for God calling us to this ministry, we
may never have talked about it. It is a misnomer and an out and out lie that all of our past must be exposed
and dissected. Paul said to “forget what was behind.” How you and your husband are getting along NOW is
ALL that matters.
If your husband brings up the subject, I wouldn’t get too excited and jump in. Watch out! You may find
yourself going many months backward in the healing process! If he wants to share his hurts, frustrations and
anger with you, just LISTEN and AGREE!!

QUESTION: Do you address a comment from your husband who says, “You are more mature and I know I
am not going to mature for a long time?” (I am ten years older.)
ANSWER: The book, workbook and videos answer each of these questions in more depth. Do not address the
issue of age or any other “bait” of the devil. It is a scheme. “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered
wise; When he closes his lips, he is counted prudent” (Prov. 17:28). Instead AGREE and see how the issue
stops coming up.
QUESTION: Regarding the change in Erin. I never really see my husband or even have an opportunity to
talk to him so how will he see any changes.
ANSWER: The change in Erin. This is probably the most frustrating to answer. My husband could not and
did not see me for three months during which time God changed me because I was broken. When a woman
does not see her husband it is because God is protecting her interest. When you have changed substantially,
then occasional meetings will occur. And if your husband sees the right change in you, if he can feel the
unconditional love coming from you, and you are radiating with the very presence of the Lord because of the
hours spent with Him, then your husband will come around more and more. If, however, he sees you and there
is even a “remnant” of the old you he will come around seldom if ever.

QUESTION: I was watching one of your videos and something hit me...my spouse is in his homeland. How
will he see the changes in me? The unconditional love? I try not to chase him so I don’t write unless he writes
first.
37 5. Communication with Spouse
ANSWER: I was about a 12-hour drive away from my husband for over half of the time I sought the Lord for
restoration. It wasn’t until I was READY for him to see me that the Lord brought him to live closer so that he
could see the changes in me. The Lord took him away, for a time, so certainly He was capable to bring him
back to me in just the right time! I tells us clearly that “Thou hast removed my acquaintances far from me;
Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out. Thou hast removed lover
and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps. 88:8,18).
QUESTION: [My spouse lives with someone else.] Things are going better with my spouse. I hadn’t seen
him for months, then he showed up and gave me flowers and came up to visit. We are getting along well. I
saw him three times in four days. He paid for my lunch and dinner on the two last days. Then we had the big
snow, so I didn’t see him, but he phoned a few days later. We have talked since; should I wait for him to say
he wants to get together, or could I invite him up for dinner and a visit? Letting go has been the best thing I
ever did, so I need your opinion. Thanks.
ANSWER: Just let him continue to lead and initiate every get together. The only time you should be the one
to initiate things is if he mentions that he would like you to call or invite him sometimes.
QUESTION: [I am divorced. My spouse lives with someone else.] How would you define “hate wall”? My
spouse has never initiated communication, in the 1 1/2 years that he has been gone, however he will return my
phone calls. (I was demonstrating neediness in the beginning and made many mistakes) He has always been
very courteous and friendly during our conversations, however became very emotional and cried several
times. It has now been seven months and I have not seen nor spoken to him, nor does he allow his parents to
contact me. Is this a “hate wall”?
ANSWER: Unless your spouse is contacting YOU the wall is in place. When you are ready, the Lord will
cause a situation to arise that will reunite you. If you have changed, then he will be drawn back to you.
QUESTION: My spouse and I are both believers . . .he left our home in August and I have not seen nor heard
from him since. Like the q/a today, do i attempt any contact or do i wait for him to contact me?
ANSWER: He must contact you. When YOU are ready, God will work out the details. If he hasn’t contacted
you yet, it is only because you still need more transforming into HIS image and more time to RENEW your
mind. If you get ahead of God, you will reap the BITTER consequences!

Testimony

A woman from California wrote to me about restoring her marriage. Things were progressing very nicely and both
she and I were hopeful that her marriage soon would be restored. However, one day she heard, through a friend,
that her spouse had married the other woman. Despondent, she wrote to me, “What now?” I shared with her
much of what you have just read. She wrote back and thanked me. She said that once she became content with
God’s apparent will for her life, and she gave up her will for His, she was now at peace and
content to live a single life, never to marry (she was in her early thirties).
Within a year, she wrote to me that her former spouse recently contacted her. He said that he realized that he
had made the biggest mistake of his life! That he had already separated from the new wife and was filing for
divorce. He wanted to know if she would consider dating him again or would she only consider it after he was
legally divorced. He told her that it was his intent to marry her again if she would have him!
I have shared the principle of COMPLETELY letting a spouse go who has remarried with a strong and bold
statement with several other women. All of which rejected this counsel. All that is except this ONE woman
38 Questions & Answers
who now has a restored marriage. This ONE woman had never been to Covenant Keepers or heard of
“covenant” marriages, a term that was coined from the one Scripture in Malachi. In our ministry, we have
never seen one man or one woman return after a remarriage, save this ONE only. But again, let me emphasis,
this was the only woman who ever took the counsel. Once left alone, her former spouse was able to feel the
full impact of his wrong decision to marry the other woman. He had not seen or heard from his former wife
during this time, but had to track her down to find her (they had no children). I say this to those who are afraid
to let go, for fear that God is unable to bring a person back once free to leave and not be pursued.
QUESTION: I have told him I love him and asked if he is ready to come home on several occasions, and he
so far says no. How will I know that he came back because he loves me and it’s the right thing to do?
ANSWER: PLEASE do not ask your husband if he is ready to come home. You’re right, you would never
know if it were for the right reasons. Also, if he comes home without God bringing him home, he’ll go
again—guaranteed! My husband used to cry asking me what he should do when he was living with the OW; I
would NOT say a word other than to say, “I don’t know.” Inside I was screaming “Come HOME!!” But I
knew that it had to be in God’s timing, not mine.

QUESTION:
it first? I told my husband I loved him in an affectionate moment. Should I have waited for him to say

ANSWER:
It is BEST to wait until your husband initiates saying, “I love you,” since it USUALLY drives
them away and puts up a wall between the husband and wife. How he reacted when you told him will help
you to know if it was a mistake. If he hugged you, smiled or said it back to you, then it was the proper thing to
do. However, if he didn’t say it back and it “cooled” the moment, then don’t say it again unless he says it first.
So many women (and men) have trouble with this concept. Letting go so that the spouse KNOWS they are
free, seems to have many confused. When my husband was trying to leave me, he was MEAN and very aloof.
When I made it clear that he was free, he stopped feeling that he had to be so distant. After some time, I made
it clear through my kindness and the way that I looked at him, that I was “still interested.” After he made the
“move” I followed. Many times he would regret our intimacy and act mean and cold, but I knew why and
didn’t take it to heart because the cords of his sin still were pulling him. Then, in time, he would be
affectionate again.
However, due to their hurt and pain, most women/men are distant with their husbands/wives, which gives the
impression that they are not interested. Caring about your spouse, who wants to leave, needs to be your main
concern. A distant or uncaring attitude towards your spouse will result in them believing that they have made
the right decision in leaving. There are seasons in restoration. Ask the Lord what season you are in and how to
move from winter (the cold rejection lifeless existence) to spring (things are warming up, life is beginning
again). Then the summer will hit (things may “heat up” and more refining) but finally, it’s HARVEST TIME
and you reap what you have sown!
 6
|
Counseling
And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.
—Isaiah 9:6

QUESTION: Why are you so opposed to counseling? ANSWER: Counseling is a man-made solution that is not only

ineffective but also destructive. In my search

for help for my marriage, I had counselors and pastors tell me things that did more harm to my marriage than
any thing I did on my own out of ignorance. There are also books on marriage written by professional
counselors and psychologists that did so much destruction to my already troubled marriage.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom (through being abandoned) that I sought the Wonderful Counselor—Who has
all wisdom and could actually change me, my situation and turn the heart of my husband back to me. In
addition, I learned that talking to others about my husband and situation was destroying it. God showed me
that when I shamed my spouse, through my talking about him, I was slandering him. Not only that, but each
time I talked to others about my situation it hurt and it kept the problems fresh in my heart and mind.

The truth is this: when people continue to talk about their problems and their pain, they stay miserable and
hopeless. They never see victory. They stay in the pit of despair and despondency.
But, when people are encouraged to talk to the Lord about their situations, pouring out their hearts to Him,
and encouraged to praise Him in the midst of their pain, you see a new person and a healed marriage!!!
Couples who seek counseling is by far the most disastrous method for attempting to help a marriage that is in
trouble; yet it is the most sought after method when marriages are in trouble. We erroneously believe that if
we could just get our spouse to a counselor, then things will improve.

However, I have been in marriage ministry for over 12 years and I have never had anyone write and tell me
about a good experience they have had with a counselor. A few initially told me that it was helping, only to
come back later weeping over the ultimate destruction caused by the sessions.

Counselors actually encourage couples to say things to each other that should never be said—ever! Soon they
are in a verbal boxing match. The punches are unkind, cutting and destroy love. The Bible is so clear on this.
There are three chapters in all four of our books with pages of Scripture that teach us never to speak words
that we will regret later. It seems most Christian counselors and even some pastors are ignorant or have
neglected these verses, because psychology teaches something entirely different.

In order to be a professional counselor (and even become a pastor in some denominations), you must be
trained in psychology. Psychology was founded to destroy the Christian church and undermine its teachings.
Freudian theories are unfounded; have been proven wrong; and are extremely dangerous for many reasons. I
know this view is uncommon and unpopular, even in the church, but I care more about those who, like myself,
need real hope.
40 Questions & Answers
The thing that I find so outrageous is that many people pay counselors to help them, but in too many cases the
counselor ends up destroying their hope and their marriage. A person could purchase ALL the material for
restoring their marriage and obtain an epartner who would stand by them day and night, for about the cost of
one counseling session! This is why I am totally opposed to counseling. So, do yourself a favor, save your
money and your marriage by staying away from any type of counseling.
QUESTION: If counseling didn’t help but only hurt, what did you do?

ANSWER: I found, through prayer, an encouragement partner. It was so encouraging to know someone who
could understand what I was going through and had the same “crazy” desire to restore her marriage. We met
together for prayer. We searched the Bible every week and both of our marriages were restored.

When my husband and I began our Restoration Fellowship years later, the Lord led us to duplicate this same
method of assigning encouragement partners (epartners) who were in the same marital situation. We have had
incredible success with restored marriages as a result!

FAQ: Psychology

“For both prophet and priest are polluted . . . committing of adultery and walking in falsehood; they
strengthen the hands of evildoers . . . no one has turned back from his wickedness” (Jer. 23:11, 14).

I Committed Spiritual Adultery

The Bible talks more about spiritual adultery than physical adultery. Your spouse may be committing physical
adultery against you, but the question is, “Have you been committing spiritual adultery against God?”
When my husband first left, I turned to God in my pain. Instantly, He brought me peace and gave me
direction. Unfortunately, I made an enormous mistake. My pastor’s wife gave me a book about tough love
written by a popular Christian psychologist. Even though my marriage and I had totally turned around, I went
ahead and read it.
What happened to me, I have since learned over the course of many years of ministry, has happened to
hundreds of other women. Total destruction! I took on a more contentious, arrogant attitude than God had
delivered me from. I became someone I didn’t even like! It took less time to drive my husband away from me
and away from our home than it had for God to change me earlier.
But what was worse is that I had been unfaithful to my Lord. I had committed spiritual adultery. I had not
been faithful to my Lord, my Savior, Jesus Christ alone. I had told Him by my actions, You are not enough!
So many women write to us every day telling us the same story. Being tough never seems to bring a spouse
back, but instead drives them further away. (Reread chapter 9, “Gentle and Quiet Spirit” or “Blessed Are the
Meek” in the Restore Your Marriage book if you still don’t fully understand how the meek will inherit the
earth and draw others to them.)
I am not ashamed to say that I now believe that ALL the answers to ALL of our problems lie in the Bible
ALONE. I believe that talking to God, rather than talking to anyone else, is the way to healing and wholeness.
When I was facing death in my marriage, I NEEDED to see the Lord face to face and I needed the pure,
uncompromised Word of God. And since it was the Lord who restored my marriage, since it was the Lord
who comforted me, since it was the Lord who guided me, then to encourage you to seek anyone other than
God, to read anything other than His Word, or to apply another method besides Scriptural principles, would
 6. Counseling 41
be unfaithfulness to my, and hopefully your, First Love!
Call me a fanatic or narrow-minded, but I truly believe that He is our only hope—not just in marriage
restoration, but in everything we do, say or need. And I am concerned that as psychology has taken such a
predominant place in the church and the life of the Christian, it has replaced intimacy with the Lord and the
principles found in Scripture. I believe, teach and encourage total dependence on God and His Word alone
because I know that this is necessary for restoration and a powerful Christian walk.

Sin Versus Sickness

The principles that I read in that fateful book, and in many other Christian psychology books, seemed to replace
sin with sickness. The sinner is thought of as a victim of an illness, rather than a sinner who needs to repent of sin.
If I had believed that my husband had a sexual sickness, rather than being held in the bondage of sin (Prov. 5:22),
I never would have fasted and prayed for him the way that I did (Isa. 58:6). When the world absolves a sinner of
his sin, since he is just a victim of a disease, it will keep him in bondage to it!
I do not believe that your husband, or any husband, has a sexual addiction, but is caught in the cords of his sin
of adultery (whether that be with an adulteress, a prostitute or pornography—whatever the sexual sin.) I do
not believe that your husband has a disease of alcoholism, but is caught in the sin of drunkenness. These are
sins that he needs to be delivered from, through the prayers of a praying, fasting, loving wife. I believe it
because I have seen husbands delivered, not just recovered, time and time and time again.

I must also confess that I am fanatical about using the terms in the Bible rather than the new terms derived
mainly from psychology. The language that was used in this country in the early part of the 1900s was taken
directly from the Bible. Even non-Christians accepted and used Biblical terms.

Now our society uses the word gays instead of homosexuals and affairs instead of adultery. Those caught in
the sin of homosexuality are anything but happy and those of us whose husbands have left for another woman
could never call adultery an affair, which connotes a party. It is sin with all the pain and destruction that goes
along with it!
We are told that we have dysfunctional families, that we are co-dependent if we love unconditionally, and that
we need to discipline our strong-willed children differently. But none of that is found in my Bible. Instead,
these man-evolved principles encourage us to seek help from psychologists and counselors rather than
running to God and His Word. Talking about our problems can never really deliver us from them. Only
seeking the presence of the Lord and seeking His forgiveness can do it all!

I must encourage everyone who is in need to seek an intimate relationship with the Lord, our Wonderful
Counselor. It is not the mind of man or the psyche that is important, but rather the sinful and desperate soul of
man that He restoreth”! Hallelujah!!

Our Foundation

Matthew 7:24 says, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared
to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock.” We know what God’s Word is built upon, but what is
psychology’s foundation? I found out early in my walk to restore my marriage that its principles are not clearly
founded on the Bible. When I read the book by Dave Hunt, The Seduction of Christianity, it opened my eyes to so
much that earlier I had accepted and even embraced.
It took the destruction of reading the book about tough love that I mentioned earlier to get my attention. It
42 Questions & Answers
wasn’t until I faced the battle to save my marriage and family that I needed the real weapons of spiritual
warfare—the sword of the spirit, the Word of God. I believe that so many are defeated in marriages because
they go to battle without the presence of God (because they failed to get in it) and without the powerful
weapons they need to win. They substitute man-made theories for the proven and guaranteed Word of God.
I want to see victories in marriages, which will help win the lost to Christ. I want to see families together
again, no matter whom I offend. “You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility
toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James
4:4).
I am not ashamed. I am considered a radical because I have spoken out against the teachings of even
Christian psychologists. People respond as if I had blasphemed God Himself! Let me say, “. . . I am not
ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes . . .” (Rom. 1:16).
The simplicity of the gospel and God’s Word is the power to save you if you believe.
Healed superficially. “And they have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, saying, ‘Peace,
peace,’ but there is no peace” (Jer. 6:14). Counseling is usually ongoing because it is not God’s Word. “He
sent His Word and healed them, and delivered them from ALL their destructions. Let them give thanks to the
LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men!” (Ps. 107:20-21). God is able to
totally and completely turn your life around with just ONE trip to the altar!

Jesus Alone! “. . . His divine power has granted to us EVERYTHING pertaining to life and godliness,
through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence” (2 Pet. 1:3). If we really
get to KNOW Him, He promises that He will give us EVERYTHING for our life and our godliness. Why,
then, would we want to look further than our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
God warns us that a little leaven leavens the whole bread. We were told to “Beware of the false prophets, who
come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits”
(Matt. 7:15-16).

Has the church been producing good fruits or are we exhibiting much of the same rotten fruit as the rest of the
world? “You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion did not come
from Him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough. I have confidence in you in the
Lord, that you will adopt no other view; but the one who is disturbing you shall bear his judgment, whoever
he is” (Gal. 5:7–10).

Committing adultery and walking in falsehood. I have confessed to you my unfaithfulness to God. I
walked in spiritual adultery and falsehood that caused my spirit to become contentious and turn from the

peace that God had given me. “For both prophet and priest are polluted; Even in My house I have found their
wickedness, declares the LORD. Also among the prophets I have seen a horrible thing: The committing of
adultery and walking in falsehood; and they strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one has turned back
from his wickedness” (Jer. 23:11,14).

My prayer is that you will choose to seek God. I am not as much AGAINST psychology as I am FOR God
alone! He loves you; He wants you to Himself. He can heal you, set you free and give you an abundant life.
No one and nothing else can do that!

The Alcoholic

When you refer to your husbands’ drinking as an illness (he’s an alcoholic) then you keep him in bondage to
6. Counseling 43
his sin. The Bible does speak of a man who drinks, but he doesn’t have a sickness, which needs to be cured.
He needs a Savior, just like you and I do. Here is what the Bible tells us about it.

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has contentions? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes? Those who linger long over wine, those who go to taste mixed wine. Do not look on the
wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly; at the last it bites like a serpent, and
stings like a viper. Your eyes will see strange things, and your mind will utter perverse things. And you will be like
one who lies down in the middle of the sea, or like one who lies down on the top of
a mast. They struck me, but did not become ill; they beat me, but I did not know it. When shall I awake? I will
seek another drink” (Prov. 23:29–35).

What can we glean from these verses in Proverbs? 1– He has a lot of troubles because of his excessive drinking.
2– He will utter perverse things. 3– He also is a victim of violence. 4– Even though he has suffered its destruction,
he will still drink again.

Addictions

When a man is bound to sin, he is now referred to as an addict. If your husband uses or sells drugs, the truth is
that the cords of his sin have him bound. “His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the
cords of his sin” (Prov. 5:22). Whether your husband has a food, buying, or sexual addiction it is bondage to sin!
God can instantly deliver ANYONE from sin. It doesn’t take years and years of therapy or programs or group
sessions. God can set your husband free in an INSTANT! The reason that these programs are ongoing is that
they are merely trying to cut off the fruit or the branches of the sin rather than pulling up the root. This is
nothing more than pruning his sin, which inevitably brings about more sinful fruit. Once again, “And they
heal the brokenness of the daughter of My people superficially, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ but there is no peace”
(Jer. 8:11).
“Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has not the health of the daughter of my
people been restored? Go up to Gilead and obtain balm, O virgin daughter of Egypt! In vain have you
multiplied remedies; there is no healing for you” (Jer. 8:22 and Jer. 46:11). This verse is saying that going to
the world for healing will bring NO healing.
It will be superficial healing, which is like putting a band-aid over cancer. More and more groups are
springing up to try and heal those who God could heal if they would only turn to Him. God is the great
Physician. Seek Him alone for your help and your husband’s healing.

Humble Ourselves

We in the church won’t admit that mans reference point used to be the Bible ALONE. But now it has been
shamefully replaced with therapeutic language of psychology or psycho-babble! The language used in the early
part of the century, the early 1900s, was taken directly from the Bible. Even non-Christians accepted and used
Biblical terms.
Now we have gays instead of homosexuals and affairs instead of adultery. We now have dysfunctional
families, co-dependent couples and strong-willed children, all which call for the help of psychology. More
than one psychologist has stated BOLDLY that psychology is not as much a religion as it is witch doctoring!!!
“You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as
crucified?” (Gal. 3:1).
44 Questions & Answers

Psychology is wrong and dangerous because it uses therapy through a counselor rather than dealing with the
soul of man, the sinner, as the Bible teaches. It focuses on the soul as the psyche or the mind of man rather
than the soul that He restoreth!

You’ll hear the soul referred to as the mind, will, and emotion. Where is that in Scripture?

Alcoholism and drug addiction are no longer sins to repent of, and be delivered from, but sicknesses that need
therapy. Even homosexuality was at one time considered a sickness until it took the next step of being no
longer called a disease, but deemed as normal!

Psychology’s Foundation

Matthew 7:24 says, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared
to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock.” We know what God’s Word is built upon, but what is
psychology’s foundation?
Sigmund Freud, one of the most popular founders of psychology, believed that the Christian church was a
threat; therefore, he decided to deal with the problems of man from a non-Biblical perspective. He wanted to
come across as a scientist but it was his stated mission to inflict vengeance on Christianity.

Freud was Jewish by descent and he believed that his suffering stemmed from the church. Freud’s desire was
to create a system to not only compete with Christianity, but to stamp it out. However, a science MUST be
unbiased and able to be measured, neither of which is true of psychology.

Freud’s desire was to prove that Christianity was wrong or lacking in order to lure Christians to follow his
beliefs. His wife wrote after his death that Freud knew that many of his theories were wrong!
Unfortunately, these false theories are still used today even in the church! They are lies that you may have
accepted as fact! We now, as a society and even within the church, have come to believe that God’s Word and
His Holy Spirit are incapable of dealing with people’s problems; so we refer them to psychologists,
psychiatrists, therapists, or counselors.
This has so weakened the church and has caused us to become a referral service since we no longer are
capable of caring for the real needs of the flock. We send those in need to counselors and suggest books that
are filled with psychology, NOT the Word of God! Enter the Christian psychologist!

A Christian Psychologist

Carl Rogers, who claimed to be a Christian psychologist, was preparing for the ministry when he rejected God.
Instead, he decided to help people through psychology since he no longer wanted to be a servant of God. In his
later years, he was known for his involvement with the occult, especially in séances.
This, dear reader, is the foundation of what we have allowed and embraced in our churches out of apathy and
ignorance! Once again, the Bible asks this question: “Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?
Why then has not the health of the daughter of my people been restored?” (Jer. 8:22). There IS a balm, it is
God, His Word and His Holy Spirit!
Healed superficially. “And they have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, saying, Peace, peace,
but there is NO peace” (Jer. 6:14). Counseling is ongoing because it does not heal but merely places a band-
45 6. Counseling
aid over cancer. Support groups and counseling are designed to be permanent places to reside since they are
incapable of healing anyone! Only God can heal. And it can take as little as ONE trip to the altar to be
instantly and gloriously cured!
We should ask of those who claim to be Christian psychologists or those Christians who embrace psychology,
Is your foundation on the Rock of Jesus Christ and His teachings or it is on SINKING sand? God gives only
two choices: the Rock or sinking sand. Which will YOU choose?

QUESTION: [State: Ohio. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] Went to counseling (couldn’t get
out of without lying)—disaster!! Just wanted to tell me it was over and didn’t want to work at it! Counselors
convinced him counseling himself and me by myself and see other options. Husband determined he wants
divorce—had strong faith God was going to restore our marriage but now don’t see any hope. When I’m nice,
he’s nice, feel he’s manipulating me to going through with dissolution. Went to lawyer to ask a few questions,
now he wants to use my lawyer because cheaper! Hoped lawyer could stall the process to continue counseling
and change his mind. Now wants my check for lawyer. Hard to trust God, not getting any results, things
worse.
ANSWER: I have NEVER heard of counseling helping any relationship, only hurting it. The counselor
ENCOURAGES the couple to speak “their mind” but the Bible says differently!!! “Even a fool, when he
keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is counted prudent” (Prov. 17:28). Sometimes,
people have balked when I said this and told me that the counseling was helping—only to write back and tell
me of MAJOR destruction afterwards! If you continue to go, even separately, your situation will continue to
deteriorate very rapidly.
Whatever your husband has said in his pain or bitterness, you must do all that you can to not let it get into
you. The next time he talks with you try this: I always quoted Scriptures or talked with the Lord in my head
while smiling and nodding my head when my husband would have hurtful things he needed to say. If I
couldn’t hear them, they couldn’t affect me!
People say a lot of things when they are confused or walking in the cords of an adulteress woman. When the
counselor tries to get you to speak, refrain from saying ANYTHING other than positive comments about your
husband or CONFESSING any wrongs that you committed against him. “An excellent wife is the crown of
her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). Use the opportunity for
good if it can’t be stopped. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). It is a
trap, so be VERY CAREFUL!! “Be of sober [clear thinking] spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil,
prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8).

Instead of trying to stop what your husband is doing, you just have to let go!!! You continue to hang on, trying
different approaches, but NOTHING will help until you let go. Tell your husband you will NOT stand in his
way. By trying to stop him you have only caused him to try harder and become more determined to get away.
Give him the money. Tell the Lord, that you are giving it to him because you trust Him (the Lord).
I am going to paste a copy of our brochure about “standing“ for your marriage below. (You will find the
brochure “Standing” for Your Marriage at the end of the book in References.) I believe that you really need
to read this so you will understand what will happen if you don’t let go. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on
your marriage. You KNOW that my husband divorced me, but God restored my marriage. I didn’t have
ANYONE’S testimony of a restored marriage to help me. But you have my testimony and the testimonies of
many, many others you will find on our website. Read at least one of these every day and one whenever you
doubt that God can heal your marriage. You are not to SEE any hope. I NEVER saw ANY hope for a long,
long time—that is a promise. All I SAW (and all anyone else SAW) was a completely HOPELESS marriage.
46 Questions & Answers

You have the materials, but you are not allowing them to fill and direct your mind. Instead you are allowing
lies and fears to rule. Stop!! You will receive EXACTLY what you believe. If you believe there is no hope,
you will not have a restored marriage. If you believe that you can find resurrection in the Lord, then that is
what you will get.
QUESTION: I am in counseling with a pastor at a Pentecostal church, this is new to me; I was Catholic. He
is guiding me to find God, and now he wants to speak with my husband about our separation. I am afraid it
will push him away and think it’s too soon. We have been seeing each other infrequently and it has been
good. My husband said in the fourth tape no one could have talked to him, but is this God reaching out? The
pastor feels it would be good since his Mom comes with me to Bible study. Thank you Erin.

ANSWER: No, I KNOW it is not a good idea. Someone, who also had good intentions, did talk to my
husband. He was very kind and my husband admired him for it. But it pushed him much farther away!! It hurt
me so much, because I had again been deceived.

I think that going to your counselor to “find God” is wonderful. That’s what he has been trained and called to
do. This type of “counseling“ is not necessarily bad, but I would ask to be helped by an older woman. Many
pastors have fallen into adultery. This may not happen, but to go to another man, even a pastor is
unfaithfulness to your husband. 1 Cor. 14:35 “And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own
husbands at home...” The Scriptures designate an older woman or your husband. Since your husband is not a
Christian then I would pray that the Lord would send you or direct you to a Godly Christian woman to guide
you toward a deep and personal relationship with the Lord. (Titus 2:3) Unfortunately, a lot of older women
are in the workplace, learning all the “junk.”
However, do not seek help for your marital situation unless this older woman has a restored marriage. Unless
a person has really sought the Lord or had the victory in their life, how can you be SURE that what they share
will help and not destroy your future restoration? I have written a lot about counseling and the dangers. Please
take time to research what has been written to renew your mind with God’s opinion rather than the world’s
way of doing things.

QUESTION: [State: Ohio. Current Marital Status: married.] My husband and I have been separated for 3 1/2
weeks. He is living in an apartment by himself. We are going to start Christian counseling this Thursday and
he told me that I wouldn’t like what he has to tell me then. I know he has been seeing another woman but says
it isn’t intimate. I have tried to not have contact with him other than because of the children and he says I
won’t leave him alone. Am I not to contact him at all? I feel the situation is hopeless when I do talk to him.

ANSWER: I would do everything in my power to stop from attending Christian counseling. It will lead to
DISASTER!! Maybe your car will have trouble, or one of the children will get sick. Take every opportunity
the Lord provides to not go.

I have NEVER heard of it helping any relationship, only hurting. The counselor ENCOURAGES the couple
to speak “their mind” but the Bible says differently!!! “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;
When he closes his lips, he is counted prudent” (Prov. 17:28). Sometimes, people have balked when I have
said this and told me that the counseling was helping, only to write back and tell me of MAJOR destruction
later! If you do go, prepare for the worst.

No matter what your husband says in his pain or bitterness, do all that you can to not let it get into you. I
always quoted Scriptures or talked with the Lord in my head while smiling and nodding my head when my
husband would have hurtful things he needed to say. If I couldn’t hear them, they couldn’t affect me!
 6. Counseling 47

People say a lot of things when they are confused or walking while bound by the cords of an adulteress
woman. When the counselor tries to get you to speak, refrain from saying ANYTHING other than positive
comments about your husband or to CONFESS any wrongs that you have committed against him. Proverbs
12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is as rottenness in his
bones.”
“Do not be
Useovercome by evil, but
the “counseling“ opportunity for good if it can’t be stopped.
overcome
“Be of sober
evil[clear
with good” (Rom. 12:21). This is a trap, so be VERY CAREFUL!!
thinking] spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone
to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8).

QUESTION:
The anger wall is down; I don’t see friendship other than, he still takes bills and fixed
lawnmower. He takes daughter every weekend. Thought death of father might be something to bring him
home, he rented boat to live in, did tell daughter I could see it sometime. Divorce in Arizona states mandatory
counseling or get it waived, do I try to get mine waived? I only have initial paper; I’ve done nothing on it.
ANSWER: Certainly get it waved if you can. Counseling is VERY dangerous. It encourages couples to say
things that later EVERYONE regrets! Make sure that ALL the blessings of the Lord are not minimized “he
still takes bills and fixed lawnmower and did tell daughter I could boat sometime.”

The lack of PRAISING the Lord for His blessings is what caused the Israelites to stay wandering in the desert.
When the Lord gave me a parking place close to the supermarket on a rainy day, or my husband said “thank
you” for something I did, I would dance in my bedroom that night and thank Him for His goodness and
faithfulness!!! Those who fail to REJOICE find they never see the victory.
 7
|

Faith
So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the Word of Christ.
—Romans 10:17

QUESTION: [State: Minnesota. Current Marital Status: Divorced.] Dying will NOT hurt this bad! I don’t
know how to get through the pain. I am trying SO hard. My divorce is final, I moved out, because he took on
all the bills and the house half custody of our four children. Husband called me drunk telling me that someone
had rescued his heart. The pain is excruciating in my chest. I am clinging to the Lord, but how do I live? He
keeps asking me to not “freak out,” because I did the first time I caught him on the phone with “her.” I
screamed, slapped, cried . . . and now, he just thinks that the minute I know for certain that he brought her
home, that I will lose my mind and freak again. PLEASE help me!! The pain, it is unbearable and I am sick to
my stomach.
ANSWER: I do understand MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. I experienced so many of the same
things. I, too, had four children; just younger at the time.
You must do all that you can to find peace. I cannot give it to you. Only the Lord can. I said almost the same
words you have written. I said, “I must be dying,” since I didn’t think that the pain of dying could be any
worse. But, if you fight the pain, instead of lying still, you will create much more pain. Think of someone in
surgery or in a dental chair. If you fight and move and scream or “freak out,” YOU WILL BE HURT MUCH
MORE. You must be still.

Have you tried fasting to become weakened? That helped me a lot. I found that my flesh was directly related
to the pain I was feeling. When my flesh was weak, the pain greatly diminished. You finding peace in the
Lord is your only hope. Please, please, you must find self-control even in your pain or you will destroy your
future and solidify your husband’s beliefs—that he has done the right thing and that this other woman is the
one for him. Show him a new woman who is hiding CALMLY in her Lord and Savior.

Go to the testimonies section of this website and read ALL the testimonies of restored marriages. Read one
EVERY TIME that fear or pain overwhelms you. Please act upon what you have just read. I believe it is a
word from the Lord for you.

QUESTION: I was wondering, how do you handle it when people do not agree with your opinions about
forgiving adultery, psychology, tough love, and some of the other things in the book and workbook? I felt
defensive when a woman confronted me about these issues in our class.

ANSWER: My first reaction when confronted is to make sure that I am right in what I believe and in what I
am saying. I seek the Lord and ask Him to direct me, to guide me into all truth and to give me wisdom. I do
not assume I am right, since this would be pride. God has been faithful and has led me to new revelation every
time I have been challenged. My motive is to either have my mind renewed by truth that I was unaware of, or,
to make my convictions stronger. After a time, my beliefs become FIRMLY founded on the Word, and then
49 7. Faith
when challenged, I am at peace. I am confident about my beliefs on the subjects you mentioned, because I
know the Word. I don’t feel that I need to defend my beliefs when challenged, because of this confidence.
My policy of sharing the “whys” of what I believe is to share my beliefs with only those who are seeking the
TRUTH. Those who are merely trying to prove they are right or that I am wrong, I basically ignore. The
bottom line is that I listen for their heart to be revealed through what they are saying. If your friend is seeking
the truth, then she will find it. On the other hand, if she is seeking teachings in accordance with her own
desires, then she will find it as well.

Seeking the truth on your own, not just trusting that I or anyone else has the answer will help you to deal with
these challenges when they arise. Then, the next time you are confronted on that issue, you will be able to stay
at peace, knowing that you know the truth and the truth has set you free.

QUESTION: My husband has filed for divorce. Erin, did you experience condemnation from fellow
believers when you got divorced? If so, how did you handle this?
ANSWER: I did, but from very few since I told just about no one. Those who rejected me, I stayed away
from and just prayed that God would bless them. Most came around, especially when my husband was back
home.

Rejection and being wrongly accused is all a part of the Christian walk. This happened to our Lord Jesus and
it will certainly happen to all those who choose to follow Him. However, if we take up an offense because of
their actions or what they’ve said to us or to others, then we have taken the bait of the devil. Your only
offense should be praying blessings over them every time they come to mind.
QUESTION: Why do some Christians act like you are nuts or something if you believe God can restore your
marriage? They act like I have a problem because I believe in restoration, that I am codependent or
something. How should I respond or react to this?

ANSWER: Proverbs 14:7 gives us the answer, “Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of
knowledge.” Christians surround themselves with fools when they watch television, movies, listen to the
radio, read magazines. Most pastors are also influenced by the world; therefore, many of their sermons are
worldly. So when the truth is presented to these people, who have saturated their minds in worldly views, it
sounds foolish to them.

How much time do you suppose most Christians spend in the Word in comparison to the time they spend
absorbing worldly messages? “But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for they are
foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised” (1 Cor. 2:14).

How we are to respond is found in 1 Peter 3:13–16 (read and meditate on the ENTIRE verse), “And who is
there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of
righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE
TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always ready to make a defense to everyone who
asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; and keep a good
conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may
be put to shame”

QUESTION: I believe that I’ve been given the truth with wisdom and understanding, certainly NOT because
I’m worthy, but because God wants to use me (and my situation) for the benefit and salvation of others. One
problem is that I am currently living in a fairly small town; the other is that our church does NOT support
50 Questions & Answers
marriage restoration; sad, but true. I can’t tell you how many times in the last year that I came up against
opposition and persecution for my beliefs from “Christians“ and leaders in my church! How do I start? Run an
ad? Talk to friends? I don’t want to pry into other’s lives, but I do want to help and bless others while I’m
waiting for COMPLETE and TOTAL healing and restoration in my own blessed marriage.
ANSWER: There are women who need your help and hope, but sadly, most churches are not open to the
truth. Let me just share with you how God led me to begin: First, I had a long and very intimate walk with the
Lord. My Bible began to just “open up” with truth.

Next, I began meeting with one other woman. If you don’t have a particular person, pray that God will send
that person into your life. When you are ready, the Lord will help you meet them as He did with me. At your
first, and every subsequent meeting, join hands and ask the Lord to send you women that need to hope in Him
for their marriage.
Pray about a place to meet with a group. I encourage women to meet in a home since most are not welcome in
their church. I did not meet at our town house because it was small and I had my four little ones there who I
did not want to overhear what I was saying. My mom stayed with my children and we met in the community
room of my church. They opened the room for “outsiders.” They did not agree with me, so would not allow
these women who had small children to use the nursery that was being used for mothers going to aerobics!!
Isn’t that sad that a church could be behind women jumping around in leotards and tights, but not for those
whose husbands had abandoned them?

That’s where we met for a little over a year. It was not advertised anywhere, just word of mouth. Frankly, I
didn’t know how anyone knew since neither I or my friend told anyone what was going on. Then a woman
who was coming to our class told me that her pastor agreed with all that I was teaching and wanted to meet
me. At the meeting (right after we prayed), he asked if we would like to move to his church. He said we could
use his copy machine and that they would provide childcare. I met there for several years.

At a later date, when I was not leading the classes any more, they moved back into homes and branched out
around the city. We have found that meeting in homes is the best place to meet. There were MANY trials with
so many within the church who TRIED to shut us down and stop what we were doing (crazy but true). When
you are meeting in homes, it is also more inviting who are not churchgoers.
QUESTION: I feel so alone in believing that God can restore my marriage after divorce. Why is it so hard for
Christians to believe that God wants to restore marriages? I heard a pastor say today that everyone who has
been divorced should attend a divorce recovery class. Why aren’t we thinking about marriage restoration
instead? Did God not give us enough information in His Word to know how to deal with marriage, divorce,
and remarriage? I feel like everyone thinks I am deluding myself.

ANSWER: Since the church began turning many family troubles over to psychologists, they have come to
believe that God is incapable of doing the seemingly impossible. Also, many times the testimonies of
marriages that are restored are kept “hush-hush” rather than being shared as a praise report, like when
someone is healed from a sickness.
As far as God giving us enough in His Word about marriage, divorce and remarriage, you only need to look
through the Restore Your Marriage book and A Wise Woman to see that He gave us MORE THAN ENOUGH
information! The trouble is most Christians don’t read the Bible as much as they read the newspaper, nor do
they spend as much time listening to the uncompromised Word of God preached as they do listening to
television or videos. Is it any wonder why they don’t really know or follow God’s Word?
51 7. Faith
QUESTION: I believe God told me our marriage would be restored. During the summer I prayed for God to
change husband’s mind, when I heard a voice say I changed your mind didn’t I? I have been recently attacked
by Satan to look for someone else. I asked God about it, asking Him to play a specific song on the radio if my
husband is coming home and I should not give up. I heard that song and got my answer. I told someone about
it & she said it doesn’t work that way. Can’t God speak to me this way? I believe he can.
ANSWER: Of course He CAN and does!!!! God told us to have the faith of a little child. Doesn’t believe that
he sent a song to minister to you what a child would believe? (Matt. 18:3) It’s not stupid; it’s the faith that
ALL Christians need, especially the person who told you this. I BELIEVE!!

Those who have faith—that are idiots for the Lord; believing beyond reason and beyond sight, are the ones
who SEE miracles. Those who don’t believe and have faith are scoffers. Remember this the next time you are
told something like this. Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who
comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”
In case you run into a scoffer (we ALL do), it would be wise to KNOW how to deal with them. “He who
corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself”
(Prov. 9:7 ). “Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you, reprove a wise man, and he will love you” (Prov.
9:8). “A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, he will not go to the wise” (Prov. 15:12).
There are a lot more verses, but you get the point. Just ignore them. One more thing, you would be wise not to

“Do
sharenot
thegive what details
intimate is holy of
to your
dogs,relationship
and do notwith
throw
theyour
Lordpearls before
with just swine, lest they trample them under
anyone.
their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matt. 7:6).
 8
|
Fasting
Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and
to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?
—Isaiah 58:6

Seven Reasons for Fasting:

1. To move mountains in your life and marriage! “. . . you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to
there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you . . . except by prayer and fasting” (Matt.
17:20).

2. To humble yourself. Since we know that “He has brought down rulers from their thrones, and has exalted
those who were humble” (Luke 1:52). “Is it a fast like this which I choose, a day for a man to humble
himself?” (Is. 58:5).

3. To make your request acceptable to the Lord. “Will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to the
LORD?” (Is. 58:5).
4. To loosen the bonds of wickedness in your life or in your spouse’s life! “Is this not the fast w
choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness . . .” (Is. 58:6).
5. To let the oppressed go free and breaking every yoke in your life or in your spouse’s life! “. . . to u
the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?” (Is. 58:6).

6. To seek God more earnestly.

“Then I proclaimed a fast there…that we might humble ourselves before our
God to seek from Him
…”

7. To find favor when meeting with your spouse. “…do not eat or drink forthree days, night or day. I
and my maidens also will fast in the same way…and if I perish, I perish.”

Additional Benefits

My main reason
Benefit Number for fasting when my Control
One: Gaining husband over your Mouth!
was gone was to get my mouth under control! I did not have a gentle or quiet spirit until I began fasting. For
those who have written with this same problem I have written back: “Fast, fast, fast! This will make you too
weak to say or do anything!!!”
“You must work on your mouth! Don’t add your comments!! Stop trying to do the work of the Holy Spirit.
Remember, he must be “won without a word!” Try fasting. That’s what worked for me. I was too weak to say
anything, all I could do was smile :-) !

Benefit Number Two: Killing the Flesh and Strengthening Your Spirit! Fasting is the BEST wa
prepare yourself for marriage restoration since it strengthens your spirit, while at the same time, killing the
 8. Fasting 53
flesh!

Benefit
When youNumber Three: of
are in the process Weight
trustingLoss!
God to restore your marriage,
you usually have a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is the best time to begin fasting—even if
you’ve tried it before without success. And many of you will welcome the added benefit of weight loss! Just
read what this sweet lady wrote and shared with us:
“Because of fasting, I’ve lost 70 pounds since last August!!! (About an 11-month period.) How’s that for
God’s amazing grace? I’ve not been this weight in 15 years, and while I still have 15 pounds to go (I guess I’ll
have to get rid of those next year), this is the weight I was at in high school! God is so goooood!!!! I had three
people last week who didn’t recognize me...and I know that’s as much a spiritual change in my countenance
as my weight loss. I am a strong believer in fasting.”

More Important Information on Fasting

Fasting is mentioned many times in the Bible. The Scriptures that are found below are those that we refer to
the most and are the ones that God led me to when I was believing God to restore my marriage to my
husband.

“Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, ‘Why could we not cast it out?’ And He said to them,
‘Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say
to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you. But
this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting’” (Matt. 17:19-21).
“Is it a fast like this which I choose, a day for a man to humble himself? Is it for bowing one’s head like a
reed, And for spreading out sackcloth and ashes as a bed? Will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to
the LORD? Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the ban
yoke, And to let the oppressed go free, And break every yoke?” (Is. 58:5-6).
“Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night
or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not
according to the law; and if I perish, I perish” (Esth. 4:16).

“Then I proclaimed a fast there at the river of Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God to
seek from Him a safe journey for us, our little ones, and all our possessions” (Ezra 8:21).
“But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth; I humbled my soul with fasting; and my
prayer kept returning to my bosom” (Ps. 35:13).

Three Fasting Testimonies

1. A woman wrote and told us that her husband had asked her to leave their home so that he and the OW could
move in. God had led her to fast: “I just completed a 7-day fast yesterday, and I am going into my bedroom for
awhile now to pray before I begin to pack. I truly hope to hear from you before I have to leave.” Before we could
contact her she wrote back, “How could I be so blind?!!! Even before I received your email, I knew something was
“wrong” about this.”
That night her husband came home and said he didn’t want her to leave. Two days later she wrote, “All of our
prayers are being answered! The other woman told my husband last night that she does not want to see him or
talk to him while she “figures things out”!!! One of my friends sent my husband one of the men’s books and
54 Questions & Answers
workbooks. When I came home from work last night, the book was lying open on the bed…I was floored!
Then less than two weeks after her seven-day fast was completed she wrote, “Our prayers have been
answered! The other woman is out of our lives! My husband is finally back home, praise God!!!!!”
2. “Saturday my husband encouraged me and said if I wanted to talk or get together, just call. I fasted and
prepared for the opportunity to apologize. God showed me many things I was responsible for and I made a
list. My husband met me to let me apologize and share my heart. I was surprised and grateful to God for his
response “He said he prayed for the day I would own up to my part and thanked me for it. He says that he still
loves me and forgives me and wants me in his life!!!”

3. “This letter is a praise report! I fasted and prayed for seven days as stated in your book and repented. God
moved so rapidly. It was in my spirit that my husband would return home after my fast and upon the
completion of your workbook. God is so faithful. My husband came home with open arms after I repented to
God with my whole heart. Erin you are so right, it is more than lip service! I believe that God warned me
through your book and testimonies. He also showed me that the amount of hurt and pain I went through when
he was gone wasn’t worth my flesh rising up against the head. It took fasting for me to accomplish what I
needed to do.”

Fasting Questions and Answers

I saw on your site, that you fast on Tuesday and Thursday from dinner one night till dinner the
QUESTION:
next. During this time, do you drink any water, or do you load up on food and drink first? Thank you and God
bless.
ANSWER: We do drink water during the fast but we don’t “load up” on food the night before. We just eat a
normal dinner.
QUESTION: I am planning a 3-day fast for the restoration of my marriage. In your book HOW GOD CAN
AND WILL RESTORE YOUR MARRIAGE, I read that Esther’s three day fast entailed NO eating or
drinking (including water). Physically, I don’t know if I can do this. Are there other ways to do fasts that God
will bless? What if I did three days of the one day fast (24 hrs. with only water and then dinner after the 24 hr.
period for three days in a row)? Will God still honor and bless that kind of fast? What about juice fasting? Is
that still considered fasting? I really desire to do this God’s way and NOT my way. I need some direction as I
have been in prayer for God’s guidance as to what I should do. Thank You!

ANSWER: If you have health problems or conditions that prevent you from doing the three day fast, then
there are other ways of fasting. You can fast “any good thing.” Or, follow the Daniel fast (vegetables and
water). When I was pregnant, I fasted by drinking just water as my beverage and abstained from all sweets.
However, if you are simply stating that you don’t know if you can and there are no conditions or health
problems, then I would admonish you to go ahead and do it the right way. Or at least fast from food and drink
water only. I have heard teachings on all kinds of fasts, but unless I have read of them straight from the Bible,
or have been led to them personally, I can not advise others to do them. The best advice I can give you is to
seek the Lord and ask Him to show you what He would have you to do, then do it.
QUESTION: I just found out I am pregnant. Can I still fast as before?

ANSWER: As far as fasting (refraining from food and water) would not be wise. But you can fast by
omitting foods that are “pleasant”—sweets for example. God looks at the heart and will reward you in the
same way as He did when you were doing a “normal” fast. This would also apply for a nursing mother.
8. Fasting 55
Questions & Answers
56
Should I be in a Single’s Group?
For anyone who is seeking restoration, it is imperative that you are not in, nor associating with those in
single’s groups male or female. You must choose: Do you want to be single? Are you interested in moving on
or finding someone new? Then stay in the single’s group.

Or, do you want to restore your marriage? Then get out out of the single’s group. Why? “For let not that man
expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways”
(James 1:7). “I hate those who are double-minded, But I love Thy law” (Ps. 119:113). “Leave the presence of
a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge” (Prov. 14:7). “And if your eye causes you to stumble,
pluck it out, and throw it from you” (Matt. 18:9).

When my husband was first gone, I made the mistake of seeking help from my pastor of our very large
church. Not only did he tell me he couldn’t help me, he encouraged me to begin going to our singles group. I
will never forget the sick feeling I had in my stomach as all these desperate and pathetic men began coming
up to me—introducing themselves! They told me all these stupid things about themselves (to try and impress
me) and about how much they loved children (since I had four).

Thankfully the speaker was to begin so we all took our seats. This “pastor” with his new young “bride” began
to tell us how he didn’t care if everyone else couldn’t understand how he could leave his wife and children to
marry this person who was his “soul mate.” That it was THEIR problem and not his! I got up right there and
then even though I was sitting in the middle of the front row! I left and wrote a note to our singles’ pastor
explaining why I left and why I would NEVER be back.

I was a married woman and would be FOREVER unless my husband died (at the time I was wishing he would
die since I thought it would be easier for all concerned!). I also told him that the pastor was the one with the
problem and that anyone who would boast about selfishness and self-centeredness should not only NOT be
allowed to speak causing others to stumble, but that he should no longer be allowed to be a preacher! (I was
just as outspoken in regard to the truth back then!)

The saddest part of this story is that our singles’ pastor, who encouraged me to “move on” so that my husband
who left me could be happy, later left his wife and two daughters. Hanging around a singles group is
DANGEROUS for anyone who is not single! The last I heard of our pastor is that his ex-wife was testifying
against him for tax fraud since he had said he was married to the OW and filed joint taxes when if fact they
had not married! Being in sin, or hanging around sin, will someday catch you. Flee immorality! Most of those
men (and the women) were simply adulterers and adulteresses! Most had former spouses living somewhere.
If you think you will find someone better, it only looks that way. As the saying goes “the grass is always
greener on the other side.” If finding someone new worked better than the statistics for second marriages
would not be 82-85%. The spouse you married, and who left, seemed “right” until the honeymoon was over.
Don’t kid yourself. God will NOT bless that marriage, especially with His beliefs on marrying again. Stop
now and seek God for restoration. If God could change YOU do you really think that He is unable or
unwilling to change your spouse? If you tell me that’s because I don’t know YOUR spouse, I will tell you that
you could only say or think that because YOU don’t know God!

QUESTION: [State: Alabama. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] You have talked about fasting
in your books & videos. I would like more information because I can’t seem to find in Scripture info on one
day fasts (for crisis) and three day fasts (for favor). What exactly does this entail? For example, if you fast for
three days do you totally not eat anything for 72 hours? Is fasting a command or something that the Lord leads
you to do? Should I encourage my daughters (age 21 & 25) to fast for the restoration of our family? I
 8. Fasting 57
appreciate any info you can give me.
ANSWER: The three day fast I suggest is basically taken from the book of Esther. “Go, assemble all the Jews
who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also
will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I
perish” (Esther 4:16). During the three day fast I am suggesting, you do not eat, but you do drink water. If
your daughters are willing to fast with you, praise the Lord!!! “And if one can overpower him who is alone,
two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart” (Eccl. 4:12).
Jesus, who had all the power in heaven available to Him, gave us our greatest example of fasting.
Luke 4:2:
“For forty days, being tempted by the devil. And He ate nothing during those days; and when they had ended,
He became hungry.” Some believe He drank water, some don’t think so. It doesn’t say. Those who think He
did drink water think so because they believe He would have asked for water first. But, it could have been that
He didn’t
“So he was drink water,
there with as
theMoses
LORD did.
forty days and forty nights; he did not
eat bread or drink water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant, the Ten Commandments”
(Exod. 34:28)
When I fasted back when my husband was gone, I did NOT drink water. I always suffered with headaches, but
that’s what I did—I was DESPERATE!! Those who knew, pressed me to at least drink water, but I wouldn’t, even
during my seven day fast. Now, I do drink water when I fast.
When the disciples couldn’t deliver a man, they asked Jesus to do it. But He didn’t say that He was able
because HE had the power as the Son of God, but said, “But this kind does not go out except by prayer and
fasting” (Matt. 17:21). When a husband is or may be in adultery, believe me, fasting is required!! Adultery is
a very deep pit!! “The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit; He who is cursed of the LORD will fall into it”
(Prov. 22:14). “For a harlot is a deep pit, and an adulterous woman is a narrow well” (Prov. 23:27).

If your husband is involved with someone, then the cords of his sin are holding him. This is at the end of the
verses regarding the adulteress: “His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords
of his sin“ (Prov. 5:22). You are probably the only one that can help him get released. “And I searched for a
man among them who should build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, that I should not
destroy it; but
That’s why theIdevil
found no one”
tries (Ezek.
so hard 22:30).
to get the spouse who wants
the marriage restored to move on so they’ll stop praying. “
Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the
bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, And to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke?”
(Is. 58:6).
[State: Illinois. Current Marital Status: married, but separated. My spouse lives with someone
QUESTION:
else. A divorce has been filed.] In the past 40 days, I have fasted two times for seven days/nights. I have
fasted recently for three days for favor with my husband. (I know that all things are in God’s time). When you
fast and pray is there any time line you should look for, or should you assume after a long time that there was
no answer. Could you tell me of the time basis for answers to your prayers when you fasted? I guess I am just
in need of encouragement from someone who has been there. Thank you.
ANSWER: Don’t assume there has been no answer just because you have not yet seen the results! It may take
some time before you see what the Lord has done. Even now the Lord continues to reveal ways that He
blessed me for different fasts. Usually, it did take some time to see my prayers answered. For many months I
didn’t understand why the Lord led me to fast every other day for seven months. Then God showed me it was
during this time that my husband fell in love with Him and God created a holy hunger in my husband’s heart
for the things of God.
58 Questions & Answers
Believe me and believe God that your prayerful fasts have not been in vain. You have done much for the
Kingdom
Is this notand
thethe
fastthings
whichofIGod, as well
choose, as much
to loosen thedamage to wickedness,
bonds of the plans of the devil!!!
to undo the“ bands of the yoke, And to let
the oppressed go free, and break every yoke?” (Is. 58:6). “But this kind does not go out except by prayer and
fasting” (Matt. 17:21).

QUESTION:
Can you explain fasting in more detail? I need a breakthrough and want to do a seven day fast.
Can I just decide to do it? Some say God has to call us? Can I pray for specific things to be answered during
this fast? There are several “biggies” that I have not seen God answer and feel like fasting may be the answer?
What if I can’t make seven days? I know I have to die to my flesh, please pray for me! Thanks!
ANSWER: First of all, only do a seven day fast if you have been “called” to do a seven day fast. But how do
you know if God has called you to it? The FLESH “wants” to do a seven day fast since it generally is a sign of
“completion” and we want our trial to be over! But God will not be moved.

On the other hand, when God calls us to a seven day fast, we don’t really WANT to do it, but KNOW the
Lord wants us to. That is when you will see or experience a breakthrough. As far as making it the seven days,
you will make it if you have been called to it.

A three day fast for favor, or fasting twice a week like we do when praying for those who have posted prayer
requests, is not the same. These are flesh burners. But when the fast is for seven, fourteen, or forty days, this
requires strength and endurance that comes from being “called” by God to do it.

QUESTION: I will have been divorced almost a year now and have been fasting three days a week since
April. It is such a routine now that my body is used to it and I deal with it well. Does that mean that it is not
working anymore? It takes a lot of willpower, but I have no physical side effects. I tried a three day fast last
month while off from work. I don’t think it would be fair to my employer if I fast more than a day at a time.
Do I just remain persistent?

ANSWER: It’s still working. Keep doing what you are doing until you feel the Lord is leading you to stop or
to fast differently. Last year I fasted every other day for seven months. After three months, my body, too,
adjusted. At exactly seven months to the day, the Lord stopped the fast. At the end a MAJOR breakthrough
happened. Three months later I was called to fast 30 days. During the fast some generational curses were
broken that would have been passed down to my children. Fasting, when you are called to it, is done in
obedience to the Lord. When we regularly obey, we find it doesn’t come with the same struggles as in the
beginning; however, it is no less effective. Continue to seek the Lord and be obedient.
 9
|
Holidays
Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.
—Acts 16:31

QUESTION: [State: California. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] How do I handle involvement
with husband‘s family funeral? His family loves me and includes me in all family events, even though we are
separated. Husband has been there. We always have a good time. Only my mother/sisters know we are
separated. My family will probably send/attend funeral as will his friends. He has told his friends we are
divorced. They do not know he has been seeing me. He calls, comes by, we are affectionate when at home.
Advise how to pray so that I can handle this and God gets the glory.
ANSWER: You handle all of it discreetly. This means, saying very little to others about your situation when
asked. Also, by letting your husband “take the lead.” If he wants you to sit together, or walk around together,
do so. If he keeps his distance, then accept it. If you follow your husband’s lead, and show that you are
trustworthy by not betraying his confidence with those he tells one thing or another, then he will come home
more often and soon stay. If you press him or break confidence, then he will cease to include you or come to
be with you; which is why most do not see or hear from their spouses.
Be careful in your Covenant Keepers group. They encourage pursuing which will destroy what you have. Be
careful! You also mentioned that you asked your husband to leave. Have you asked him to come home? If you
haven’t, do so. Most will not come home, since they now like being gone, but some do. Tell him that he can
come anytime, day or night, that he is always welcome. You should also tell him, if he chooses to leave again,
that’s fine too, and that you only want him to stay if he wants to.

QUESTION: Do you have any information regarding how to handle holidays? With Mother’s Day coming
up, I don’t want to do the wrong thing. Thanks.
ANSWER: Good question. The answer is not a simple one because a lot depends on your current relationship
with your husband. Since you are the “receiver” during this holiday what you “should do” will depend upon
what your husband does or does not do.

I would certainly pray that the Lord will turn your husband’s heart to you and bless you with a gift, flowers,
time spent with you and the children, or that your husband will encourage or help the younger children to
bless you in some way. However, it is very possible, and probable, that you will be ignored or forgotten on
this special day.
When my husband first left, my birthday came a few weeks later. I was “sure” that I would receive a call or
something. I can honestly tell you that when I think of that day over 12 years later, I can almost feel the pain. I
spent the day with my four children at a small circus that came to town. My children were blessed and I know
it helped me take my mind off it a bit. It was long after my birthday when we finally saw my husband again.
The children told him about the circus that they went to on “Mom’s birthday.” The look on his face said it
all—he had forgotten and the pain came back in full force. He took us out to dinner but I could hardly
swallow. That was an early lesson for me on how to handle events and holidays in the future until our
60 Questions & Answers
marriage was restored.
The way I began to handle all events was to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I did this first
with prayer. Then, through prayer, I assured the Lord (which really assured me!) that WHATEVER happened
I would praise Him for it. I would also tell Him that I KNEW that next year I would be rejoicing in how He
had changed things so much in just one year!
It is very important that you do not call your husband or use your children to say anything to their father on
your behalf. Using your children in this way will have ghastly consequences! If the children are old enough,
and they are planning something special, it is fine for them to invite their father. But prepare your children,
young or old, for the fact that he may decline and that it would be okay with you if he does. Tell them how
special it would be for them to be alone (just the children and mom) “just this once.”

QUESTION: My son is graduating from high school. My husband wants to have joint celebration (with OW
and kids there) for both sides of family. I told son (not husband) I don’t want to do joint; VERY painful to be
around his “other people”, but if son wants to do it, I’ll find the grace. Son wants to do joint gathering with
friends/church friends and not dad and “other people”, instead. :) Husband is now pressuring us to do “his
suggestion.” Since he’s remarried, I’m confused about which Biblical principles to follow.

ANSWER: It is a mess. You really hurt your son by sharing your hurts with him, so now again he is being
torn apart. You have shown your heart to be selfish and self-centered! You “smile” :) that again you got your
own way! It hurts to even think of how you have sacrificed your own son to at the “altar” of your self.

Dying to self is to take upon yourself the pain and suffering for another. It’s having a “joyful” spirit on your
lips and in your countenance—EVEN when your heart is breaking on the inside. Then as you retreat into your
prayer closet, God can move for you and change the situation. How do you suppose restoration is possible
when you still MANIPULATE other people’s lives? Why do you suppose your husband divorced and married
another? I cannot tell you how horribly grieved I am and hope and pray that the Lord will bring you to
complete deliverance and repentance of self and manipulation.
After reading your entire questionnaire, there are a couple of dangerous areas that you will need to clear up,
along with putting other’s feelings above your own. They are: 1– I have joined a single‘s group. 2– My spouse
is NOT aware of my infidelity. These two areas have been covered in recent columns. I hope you have read
them and have begun to apply the principles.
QUESTION: My husband is divorcing me and it will be final in about six weeks. He has moved out of state.
We are at peace with one another. He’s been calling me two or three times a week just to say “hello.” I would
like for him to come in for the holidays. Should I invite him or wait for him to say something?

ANSWER: Since the hate wall is not there, it might be all right to mention something. It would be best to be
discreet and ask it this way, “Do you have some plans for Christmas?” If he says “no” then you could go on to
say, “You know that you would be more than welcome to spend the day (or whatever) with us (or at the
house).” Most importantly you must use discretion. “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful
woman who lacks discretion” (Prov. 11:22). However, be prepared for the worst. He may have plans that you
may later wish you never knew about. Or, he could even say something indignant about you and holidays in
the past. “He will not fear evil tidings; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD” (Ps. 112:7).

QUESTION: One thing I was kind of confused on was when you said not to give our husbands cards and
things like that on special occasions. This year my husband gave me a card “for my wife“ and he signed it
“Love.” I also got a Birthday card. Both stated for his wife and were signed Love. But last year I didn’t get
 9. Holidays 61
cards from him.
ANSWER: The instances when I suggest a woman not give cards to her husband are when her husband has
left her and he is NOT CONTACTING HER. Or, if he is still home and is trying to get away. The point here
is not to pursue. If the husband (or wife) is trying to get away, whether it is physically or emotionally, giving
cards will only push them farther away. If your husband has started to give you cards again, then you surely
would want to give him cards. Just stay in tune with him and follow his lead.

QUESTION: My husband and I are separated. How do I handle sending out Christmas cards? Everyone
continues to send the cards to the house in both of our names. Usually, I would send the cards out with both
our names signed to them. How should I handle this?

ANSWER: This is a good question, with a simple answer. Either you sign them “The Thiele Family” if there
are still children living at home OR “The Thieles.” When I have received Christmas cards from women who
are divorced or separated, and especially when the husband has remarried, and I see the husband’s name on it,
I feel a bit strange. I am sure that those “who know” also feel uncomfortable. When he’s back home, then sign
his name to the cards.

QUESTION: This weekend is our son‘s birthday and my husband told me today (rather indignantly) that the
OW WOULD be coming to the party. Now I don’t want to be there even though I planned it. What should I
do? Please answer quickly as this is just days away. Thank you.

ANSWER: GO!!! Either something will stop you from going (GOD’S deliverance, not yours) OR it is God’s
will and it WILL work together for YOUR GOOD. Make sure you are prayed up, and if you have time, FAST
FIRST.
 10
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Intimacy
Because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
— Corinthians 7:2

QUESTION: My husband divorced me in July. Before we were divorced he and I were still intimate. I
wondered if I should reject him should he come to me for intimacy now. I am confused about it because the
scripture says “we are joined until death” but then there is the divorce on paper by mankind. Which
supersedes the other? In my heart I don’t feel divorced from him but I’m sure that is how every woman feels.
I worry about his desires getting the best of him because he said he wanted to get a vasectomy so he doesn’t
slip up and have another baby. I know he’s dating and I’m sure she’s putting pressure on him to be intimate.
What would you recommend I pray about him, her and me concerning this situation?

ANSWER: If you have the women’s restoration book, you can find the answer at the end of the first chapter.
Basically, the Scriptures are clear that God sees us as one flesh, but He also tells us that we are under the law
for our protection. The law has said that you are divorced; therefore, legally you are no longer married.

Jesus followed the law by paying taxes and allowing Himself to be captured and persecuted. He did not place
Himself above the law; we can do no less.
“Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and
those which exist are established by God. Therefore he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of
God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of
fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good, and you will
have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for
it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath upon the one
who practices evil” (Rom. 13:1-4).

QUESTION: My husband moved out four months ago due to my unfaithfulness about a year ago. He calls
me, checks on me, and visits two times a month. When he visits it’s just to fulfill his sexual desire. I give in to
him due to my guilt, knowing this will not win him back. I am involved in church and ladies church group (he
knows). He comes over only for that one thing and I take care of the house, bills, and pets. He wants a divorce
and the house sold, but the For Sale sign is not up. Where do I draw the line on intimacy?

ANSWER: You said that you have the videos (when submitting your question) so I am surprised by your
question. In the “Be Encouraged!” videos, my husband says very clearly that my being intimate with him had
a lot to do with winning him back. However, the way you say you “give in” due to “guilt“ I doubt that this
will have much affect since this is entirely a heart issue. I prayed to be intimate again with my husband so that
I could show him how much I still loved him.

QUESTION: A divorce has been filed. My husband and I have been having “sexual relations” since we
separated two years ago. He filed papers nearly a year and a half ago, although we are still legally married, he
recently told me that we have not been “man and wife“ since he left and was upset that I am still wearing my
wedding ring. I don’t know what to do...take off my ring? Stop being intimate with him? I know you’ve
 10. Intimacy 63
addressed these issues but I need light in regard to what my husband so recently said to me.
ANSWER: At this point it would be submissive to take off your ring since he has asked you to do so.
However, regardless of his comment, you are still legally married and therefore still responsible for 1
Corinthians 7:4–5, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise
also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another,
except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan
tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

We women usually respond with something like—”If you don’t want me to wear my wedding ring, then don’t
think you’re coming near my bed!” We must refuse to get caught in such a scheme. “Put on the full armor of
God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil“ (Eph. 6:11). Make sure that you
forgive your husband for his comments to you and for wanting relations with you at the same time, “. . . in
order that no advantage be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Cor. 2:11). If you
have been the one initiating or suggesting intimacy, then I would highly recommend that you only respond to
your husband’s suggestions or advancements.

QUESTION: My husband has been coming around and calling more but I can’t seem to make a connection
with him. He will not look me in the eye. I keep coming across the verse that says when you are married do
not deprive each other lest you be tempted by the flesh. I picked up a Joyce Meyer book opened it up to the
chapter on communication and she says physical intimacy is the key. I keep seeing a theme. I want to be
intimate. Will fasting break that barrier? Did you ever struggle with this?

ANSWER: Yes. There was a time when my husband would have nothing to do with me physically. Since you
have the videos, then you know how I prayed. His not looking into your eyes does mean something. Have you
asked the Lord to reveal to you why? This is what I did—always seeking the Lord for understanding and
wisdom. He may show you that your face has a bad expression: do you smile, do you scowl, and do you look
judgmental? Or maybe it is guilt on his part. Does he know that you have forgiven him? How is your tone of
voice? Is it gentle and tender?
Are you worth looking at? How do you dress? I don’t mean seductive, but do you look great? How do you
smell? Is your hair clean, are you always showered; do you have his favorite perfume on? I wouldn’t be
asking but I have found so often that not all women understand that this does have a lot to do with how their
husband looks or doesn’t look at them. And for those who are super spiritual, just read about Esther and all
that she did. Sarah, even when she was very old, must have done SOMETHING for a king to want her!

QUESTION: I feel like if I don’t receive some physical attention from my husband I am going to go crazy.
Just having him in the room is almost more than I can bear.
ANSWER: On the “Be Encouraged!” videos I explain why you will need to get to the place where you want
intimacy with the Lord more than you do with your husband. However, praying for intimacy with your
husband is a good and right thing to do. Even if he is not in your home at this time, you can begin to feel
closer to him this way. AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL MARRIED—NO DIVORCE HAS TAKEN
PLACE.

Pray and seek the Lord for the Scriptures that will confirm that the Lord is there for you. He will show you
that He loves you through His Word and also by answering your prayers regarding intimacy with your
husband. Go to Prov. 5:15–19 and read these verses out loud every night. Keep your husband’s side of the bed
available, KNOWING and BELIEVING he will soon be there.
64 Questions & Answers
QUESTION: [State: Florida. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] My husband is moving quickly
with the divorce. I am so discouraged. I was not interested in being intimate during our marriage. I think “why
should he come back to me, she is probably making him happier.” Bless you and your family.
ANSWER: Since you are not yet divorced, are you now interested in being intimate? “For you have been
bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it
is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let
each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to
her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the
husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by
agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you
because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 6:20–7:5).
Right now he is probably having “sex” with her, which is better than nothing at all in his eyes. But YOU can

“Drink water
make him from
much happier and more fulfilled since the two of you would be “making love.”
your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, Streams of
water in the streets? Let them be yours alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all
times; Be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress,
and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?” (Proverbs 5:15–20).

Pray for your husband to be exhilarated with your love and that your love ALONE will satisfy him. You have the
videos. I am very candid about how the Lord led me to let my husband know I was available, and how He led me
to pray.
However, I am concerned that you indicated on your questionnaire that you do NOT have an intimate
relationship with the Lord. You are doing all the right things, but they are all merely “religion” if there is no
real relationship. “Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in
Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I
never knew you; DEPART FROM ME . . .”(Matt. 7:22). If there has been hurt or abuse in your past that is in
the way of intimacy, sit in the presence of the Lord (just sit and think of Him) and ask Him to heal you. He
will. “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I
shall again praise Him for the help of His presence” (Ps. 42:11). “Thou wilt make known to me the path of
life; In Thy presence is fullness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever” (Ps. 16:11).

QUESTION: How do I handle intimacy since we are still married?

ANSWER: Intimacy with a husband you are still married to is covered in the first chapter of the Restore Your
Marriage book. “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise
also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor. 7:4–5). Stop
depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come
together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. If you want your marriage restored,
you should not initiate it, but make sure your husband “knows” that you are available. Not through seduction,
just in the way you look at him or hug him. You know...

QUESTION: The divorce went through so, obviously, intimacy is not going to happen?

ANSWER: If the divorce has gone through intimacy is forbidden. However, were you available before the
divorce? And is your husband drawn to you even more now that the divorce is standing in the way of him
being with you intimately? Intimacy begins with a relationship and if that was not yet there, he is not missing
 10. Intimacy 65
anything.
 11
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Mistakes
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
—James 5:16

QUESTION: [State: Kentucky. I am presently: married but separated. My spouse left. A divorce has been
filed. My spouse is divorcing me. I have released my attorney.] I have questioned myself and I am new to
God’s word and need direction from someone who knows His word. My husband has not worked for three
months. He feels bad about this and is looking for job. He messed up his checking account and didn’t have
gas to take us to church as he has for eight Wednesdays now—PTL! I offered to lend him money. He
accepted. The next day I opened my mouth about something that I didn’t know would upset him. It was not
about the loan. I recovered quickly but felt bad. Was the offer a mistake?

ANSWER: Your heart is certainly in the right place. And I am sure that your husband was grateful for the
loan. I can’t say whether it was a mistake or not. However, it is usually unwise for a wife to offer to help her
husband when he has moved out of the home. A wife’s help can sometimes get in the way of the tribulations
that God is using to bring her husband home. “Behold, I will cast her upon a bed of sickness, and those who
commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of her deeds” (Rev. 2:22). Your
questionnaire didn’t mention that your husband was involved with someone else; however, this is often the
case. God used the tribulations of poverty with the prodigal son to humble his heart and to cause him to want
to return home. If the father continued to help him when he was gone, more than likely, he would have stayed
in sin. On the other hand, I remember the Lord gave me opportunities to bless my husband when he was gone
and God used them to turn his heart back home. I gave him my van when his car and the OW’s car were both
broken down. That’s why I couldn’t say for certain if your offer was a mistake or not.

QUESTION: I want you to know that I took out a restraining order on the OW. We haven’t been to court yet,
however I got a chance to talk to her. She saw me in the grocery store and spoke. It shocked me because I
knew I had taken out the restraining order but she didn’t receive hers yet. Anyway to make a long story short,
she apologized for the things she had done to me and she said she was finally going to stop seeing my
husband. I told her I was going to hold her to her word and continue praying. However, we still have to go to
court.
ANSWER: You may have the adulteress‘ word in Proverbs 5:3,
“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
And smoother than oil is her speech . . .) and you may even THINK you can hold her to it. “Thus says the
LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away
from the LORD” (Jer. 17:5). Even if she is sincere in what she said, this will NOT bring your husband home
or keep
“For thehim
onehome because you have failed to see the purpose in your marital troubles.
who sows
to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit
reap eternal life” (Gal. 6:8).

God intends that during this time of crisis, you learn to do things HIS WAY and stop doing things YOUR
way! That’s why your husband is gone! “Thou hast removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made
67 11. Mistakes
me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out” (Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and
friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps. 88:18).

He WANTS to “shut you up” alone with HIM and also for you to shut your MOUTH!!! “…but let it be the
hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the
sight of God” (1 Pet. 3:4). I doubt that this confrontation with the OW will please your husband. If this
adulteress is unwilling to continue in the relationship with your husband, he will find another. But it won’t be
you.
QUESTION: [State: West Virginia. Current Marital Status: married.] My husband and I were separated for 4
months. We were in the process of buying a home, which I continued with in the separation. After 2 weeks of
living together he now says he wants to separate again—he loves me but not “in-love.” He is unemployed and
I was going to leave since he wants me to or he’s going to, and he has no way of renting or buying another
house, I am still employed so I was going to purchase another house for me. I love him deeply and don’t want
to leave him without a place to live.
ANSWER: Do not fall into the trap of guessing what will “please him.” Yet if he wants to leave, you let him
leave. “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such
cases, but God has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). It is wrong for a woman or a man to leave their home. “
“Like a bird that wanders from her nest, so is a man who wanders from his home” (Prov. 27:8).
What will ultimately turn your husband’s heart back to you is found in Proverbs 16:7, “When a man’s ways
are pleasing to the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
However, you have already opened your mouth and made the offer. It is ALWAYS the mouth that gets us into
trouble and ultimately DESTROYS our home and our relationships!! “If you have been foolish in exalting
yourself or if you have plotted evil, put your hand on your mouth” (Prov. 30:32). This means BE QUIET
don’t bring the subject up again, don’t plan anything. Then when your husband brings it up, repent of your
planning. Don’t offer suggestions about where else he could live or what he should do. Just answer with “I
don’t know.” This is the most truthful response since YOU DON’T KNOW. While he talks, nod your head
and pray in your heart. Let the Lord do a work. The plans for separation may immediately die down, but the
devil will stir them up again. Just remain quiet. If your husband runs out in a huff, be quiet and let him go.
Pray for his return, but NEVER go after him!! No matter how angry he becomes, don’t offer solutions. You
are not showing him love by helping him to do wrong.
QUESTION: Made several mistakes while my husband was home from overseas, blew most of the money he
made, was the one initiating intimacy (he’s having trouble w/prostate which caused him great pain). We had
big fight after I drank the beer he had bought (I rarely drink) then confronted him about the OW, his love for
me, why I repulse him and so on. He called me a fanatic about religion, like reading the Bible everyday. I give
him Scriptures in my letters or emails. Before he left he told me I have 6 months to meet the following
conditions: 1– Get finances back in order and money in the savings account. 2– Get the house in order and
cleaned up so he will not be embarrassed to bring people over. 3– Get the children in line and obedient. 4–
Take care of myself and take pride in myself. Wants to be kept informed of our progress. Should I only reply
when he writes first? Should I bring up good memories or just let it be?

ANSWER: Your situation has taken a major turn for the worse. I wrote you long ago and encouraged you to
be ready for his return and told you this could be a MAJOR step toward restoration—if you were ready. I can
see from reading your husband’s conditions and from all that happened while he was home—that you
definitely DID NOT take me seriously!! At this point you will need to “hope against hope.”
68 Questions & Answers
Take the conditions your husband has given you as though they were sent from God! I AGREE with all of
these stipulations. Write them down and put them all around the house where you will see them. Read them
on your face before the Lord and ask Him to help you to make these changes since you cannot do it alone.
Then walk in faith. If you don’t have the books we offer on child training, get them. Get the book on keeping
your home in proper order. I know that finances are a big problem. Cut back on everything else so that you
can afford them. My first thought was to give them to you, or to offer a discount, but I believe the Lord wants
you to get your priorities in proper order and die to your flesh that wants to spend money on your wants and
not your needs.
You are a Pharisee. I had NO IDEA that you were including Scriptures in your emails. NEVER write
anything again. Don’t give your husband even a hint of your relationship with the Lord. Others should SEE
your walk with the Lord through how you live. Drinking should not occur—EVER! We are not to allow the
devil to use our mouths to destroy another or ourselves. The Bible tells us to be “filled with the Holy Spirit.”
If you fail to abide by everything that your husband said, which I TOTALLY believe is from the Lord, you
can forget about restoration. I am completely serious. I hope to God that this has been a major wake up call
for you. Restoration is a very narrow road. To mess up an opportunity like this as terribly as you have, and for
things to turn around is practically unheard of. But, it is not impossible, IF you get totally serious. This is the
time to choose. If you are lax, you can forget it.

QUESTION: [State: California.] This concerns my walk to restoration. Two of my male coworkers, both left
by their wives, have come to me for advice because they know I am in a similar situation, in that my husband
does not want me to return home to him. I have prayed that God would send them someone MALE to advise
him, and I have referred them to your site. I haven’t read the men’s manual. I have prayed for a hedge of
protection around myself, that my behavior remain appropriate, but should I share with them what I have
learned?
ANSWER: Buy them the men’s restoration book if you have to, but do NOT talk to them any more!! You are
probably being set up for one of the devil‘s schemes. It is VERY common for the devil to bring a male into a

wife‘stolife
“For thisjust
endbefore
also her marriage is about to be restored. I have seen it dozens of times.
I wrote that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things . . . in order that no advantage
be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2Cor. 2:9–11). “Put on the full armor of
God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil“ (Eph. 6:11).

Also, women cannot minister effectively to men because their restoration process is very different. Continue to
refer them to our site, but don’t get caught up in any more conversations with them—be rude if you have to. Stay
away from all men right now. Your restoration is probably at the door, but will be gone if you fail this test of
faithfulness to your commitment to restoration and to your husband.
Faithfulness to marriage is paramount to restoration. It looks to me from your questionnaire that this will be
an area where you will continue to be tested because of your failures in the past. You mentioned having dated
since you’ve been separated. I hope that is in the past and that you FLEE any temptation that comes your
way!! “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins
against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18).

I also noticed on your questionnaire that you said you do not have a personal relationship with the Lord.
Fasting and reading your Bible is wonderful, but it cannot replace this relationship. God wants you to desire a
deep and close relationship with Him. Often times or should I say most of the time, that is why He takes our
spouses away from us for a time—so we will draw close to Him and learn to rely on Him. “Thou hast
removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and
69 11. Mistakes
cannot go out” (Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; my acquaintances are in
darkness” (Ps. 88:18).

*This particular response has generated much interest as most find this to be offensive when encouraging
someone to be rude. Here is a response I sent to a Pastor who loves our ministry and sends many from his
church to us, but questioned this answer in particular as “Jesus was never rude.”
The question you are referring to was sent from a woman who continually was falling into adultery. When
approached she didn’t want to “appear rude” and then would soon be lured into sin again. Even Jesus, when
tempted to go against the will of God exclaimed to Peter “Get me behind me Satan” which is what I was
encouraging this particular woman to do. I certainly could go in and change the wording to say “to be bold”
but the man who kept getting her into bed needed “rudeness” so he knew she was no longer interested in his
suggestions.
I am afraid that there are many women in our fellowship who are easily tempted and through trying to appear
“Christian” are sending messages that they can be lured. Partly because they still have a weakness in this area.
They have been abandoned my their husbands, and at the same time are trying to reject the “wrong kind” of
caring from other men, but deep down maybe still want it.
I believe being rude is much more acceptable than repeated adultery. These women HATE themselves after
they fall time after time believing that God cannot keep forgiving them, not to mention their unworthiness of
restoration.

QUESTION: I was wondering if it was too late for me because I have told my family I was “believing for my
marriage“ I used to call my husband all the time when this first happened and I have talked about how hurt I
have been and have asked for prayers from a lot of people. I was wondering about being a member of your
Restoration Fellowship but didn’t know if because I had done all the things you said not to do that I was
hopeless.

ANSWER: NO, it is NOT too late. There is an awesome praise report (check Praise Reports page) from a
woman who did basically the same things. She completely repented before the Lord for it. Very soon after she
did she had a major test, which she passed with flying colors. As a result God did a merciful thing and
SHOWED her that He had erased her past mistakes.
The fellowship is not for those who are perfect, but for those, like you, who are seeking perfection through
repentance and through the cleansing of the Holy Spirit, as we yield to Him, allowing Him to mold and
change us. Your heart is good, that’s what matters to us, and it’s what matters to God.

Before I close, I do need to bring out a great area of concern that I have. When reading over the applications
for the fellowship I was shocked with how many women have been UNFAITHFUL to their spouses. But what
was worse was that less than one percent had confessed it to their spouses, who in most cases are now in
adultery themselves.
Many will say that all they need to do is to confess it before the Lord and maybe to another brother or sister in
the Lord, but I totally disagree. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” I have NEVER seen any fruits when there is
hidden sin. Those who have not repented to their spouses have remained in broken marriages.
However, those who did repent found that God AGAIN was true to His Word. They found compassion,
forgiveness AND it left nothing in the way of God’s blessings. But beware, MANY “suffered for a time”
70 Questions & Answers
reaping what they had sown. However, if we are not willing to suffer for righteousness’ sake, then we will
stay in sin blocking God from moving in our life and in our marriages.
QUESTION: I have just relocated for a lot of reasons. My husband was angry as I was leaving for reasons I
am unsure of. He has called me and was very sweet and apologetic for not helping me move. Our
conversation was great but I am afraid my feelings for him are dying because of all the pain and betrayal. My
husband told me to take off my ring to get on with my life without him.
ANSWER: In the “Be Encouraged!” videos it warns not to leave the area for a lot of reasons. The main one
being that when you leave the “front lines” of your battle, how can you possibly fight? You will find that the
enemy will take more “ground” in your spouse‘s life and your future. Your husband may have been upset
because it is not his heart’s desire to be stuck in sin or to lose you, even though he willingly made these
choices earlier.

Unless the Christians wake up and acknowledge that this is a spiritual battle, therefore, God’s ways will look
strange and even weird to others, then they will continue to be defeated through confusion and by playing into
the enemy‘s hands. Your husband proved that his heart is for you when he called and apologized for not
helping you move. But he is held by the cords of his sin and is a slave of the one that he made the mistake of
obeying. Your feelings may be dying since you have removed yourself from the battle because of
“circumstances,” and wanting to get away of the pain.
My husband told me the same thing and even encouraged me to “find someone new.” But I will tell you from
my own experience; from what my husband has told me and other men who have returned home—they didn’t
mean it!! The say it to 1) protect themselves from more hurt 2) drive off a clinging wife 3) ease their
conscience—if you have someone new, they think they will feel less guilt 4) they say it out of pain, anger or
frustration, without really thinking it through. At this point you need to “pray about” returning. Do not just do
it, pray and seek the Lord about it. It may be too late to return. It could now cause more problems.
QUESTION: My husband and I have been seeing each other monthly, on his visits w/ daughter (he lives out
of state). Recently, he said he was thinking about coming home, but needed more time (there is no OW now).
He has obligations to his son (from first marriage), which will last at least six more months. In my haste, I
said I didn’t think I could wait any longer. He no longer calls daily (like he was doing for months) and things
are strained again. I just can’t seem to get this right. I am so tired. I do want my husband back, but I continue
to fail. I feel like I’ve run out of chances.
ANSWER: Well, there is grace that we live by, but God wants us to learn his principles and not live in the
flesh. You clearly KNOW the principles, but your flesh is still in control. I noticed that you do NOT fast
regularly. That’s your only hope!

I share in the videos that without fasting, I KNOW I would not have a restored marriage. It was my MOUTH
that got me into trouble when my flesh would “feel” something I’d say it!! But when I began fasting, I was
too weak to say ANYTHING. Then when something was said, and I didn’t FEED my flesh by saying what I
felt, then my flesh started to die. Your will can NOT die without fasting. If you don’t get yourself under
control, at some point your husband will say “so long” once and for all, with the belief that you will NEVER
change.
If you say you have trouble with fasting—who doesn’t!! I HATE IT! My husband and I fast twice a week. I
am ALWAYS weak. I usually feel sick to my stomach. I am tired and sleepy. But I “press on” because I
KNOW that my flesh STINKS and will get in the way of what God is calling me to do. Your flesh is getting
in the way of what God is calling you to do, too.
71 11. Mistakes

It’s your choice. Why do all that you are doing, yet fail to go all the way? Try a three day fast before seeing
your husband next time. If you never know when or if he’ll come, just fast and then ask the Lord for Him to
bring your husband around when you’re in the final day. Meekness is a magnet!! When your husband sees
your “gentle and quiet” attitude, I promise you—he will be drawn back to you.
QUESTION: My divorce went through a few weeks ago. I have begun looking to buy a home; looks like it
will be finalized in July. The house was put on market Saturday, looked at Monday, and process begun. I had
been looking this was best buy. Any thoughts?

ANSWER: Don’t buy any house. I plan to cover this in an upcoming video, but I will tell you right now that
buying a house would be a MAJOR mistake. You must believe that your home is going to be with your
HUSBAND. Don’t make the mistake of buying anything! I know it seems foolish to rent, but to buy will
mean you are solidifying your future—alone and without your husband.
I went through similar things when my husband was gone. The Lord was firm about NOT MOVING until my
husband was home. Early in my ministry I had the same conviction about women staying where they were
and not buying homes. Several ladies ASSURED me that “it will only be temporary” or they would say
something like, “I am buying a place for my husband and myself.” However, it was not “temporary” and their
husbands never came to live in the house they purchased!! When their husbands found out they had bought a
house, they believed this to mean that their wives were moving on with their lives without them. The fact is,
these women are still ALONE and it’s been 10 years plus!! Don’t throw away your future. Trust me, it is a
trap.
QUESTION: What are your thoughts on joining Singles’ Groups?

ANSWER: For anyone who is seeking restoration, it is imperative that you are not in, nor associating with
those in single‘s groups male or female. “Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of
knowledge” (Prov. 14:7).

With one exception: if there is a person of the same gender who “boasts about their weaknesses” and warns
you about all the mistakes they made, then some fellowship may be profitable. You must choose: Do you

“And if be single? Then stay in the group. Do you want to restore your marriage? Then get out. Why?
want to
your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and throw it from you” (Matt. 18:9). “I hate those who are
double-minded, but I love Thy law” (Ps. 119:113). “For let not that man expect that he will receive anything
from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:7).

QUESTION:
[I am divorced and my spouse lives with someone else.] My ex went on a weekend trip with
OW he has lived with since our divorce three years ago. I made the mistake of asking if they were driving or
flying. That started major argument between daughter and myself. We both miss him so much and she hurts
as much as I do. How do we comfort the children and get through all of this and help them to. I am really
trying to be obedient, but I just seem to keep messing up and seem to be constantly repenting. I’m very
discouraged and I don’t feel God is with me in this.
ANSWER: Most “mess ups” occur when we say something we shouldn’t. When we learn the simple, but
very difficult, lesson of KEEPING OUR MOUTHS CLOSED, we are well on our way to restoration.
My children were comforted by my joyful spirit and also by us praying together. The Lord also showed me
that I should use this time wisely by taking advantage of the opportunity to do things with the children that we
didn’t or couldn’t do when their father was living with us. At first I was almost afraid to have fun and enjoy
72 Questions & Answers
things without their dad, like somehow I would forget or it would somehow make it permanent. It helped the
time he was gone to pass more quickly and helped the children to look back with joyfulness instead of misery.
I hope you will take advantage of the “Be Encouraged“ videotapes to help you in your discouragement.
Women who have used them daily, found that they quickly started to see their husband being drawn to them
and many have recently written of their marriages being restored. I pray the same for you.
QUESTION: I try to walk out all of the principles you have talked about. Early on I made many mistakes but
I think I’m on the right track now, at least my children say they see changes. I’ve confessed everything I know
to the Lord, I pray, I’ve tried fasting but the situation just gets worse. I am supposed to meet with husband
Saturday to discuss his divorce proposal. What am I doing wrong? Fasting has been hard; I get shaky or sick.
Erin, I want to win this battle. I feel like I’m losing even after prayer, etc.

ANSWER: From your questionnaire, I see something very definitely wrong. You are doubleminded. You are
in a single‘s group and part of our fellowship at the same time! “But let him ask in faith without any doubting,
for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. FOR LET NOT THAT MAN
EXPECT THAT HE WILL RECEIVE ANYTHING FROM THE LORD, being a doubleminded man, unstable in
all his ways” (James 1:6). There it is.

The only other reason could be unconfessed sin. Since you did not fill out the personal information on the
questionnaire, I don’t know if you have been intimate with someone else and have not confessed it to your
husband. If this is so, then this also could be the reason. “He who conceals his transgressions will not
prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion” (Prov. 28:13). Just recently I became
aware of why so many marriages, of those who seem to be doing all the right things, have not been restored—
unconfessed adultery and being involved in single’s groups.
QUESTION: Erin—you mentioned that you have seen people who were doing everything right but their
marriages still were not restored. That in a lot of cases they still had a heart condition that was wrong. I
received my divorce certificate and I am now really divorced. Erin, can you maybe pray and find out from
God whether I have a heart condition that is hindering my restoration. I feel so let down because I have done
what was expected of me—I had no attorney, I did not fight the divorce, I have forgiven and been kind and
submissive, I have stopped being intimate with him, I have lost weight and you said that this is a sign of a
broken and contrite heart. Still I must be doing something wrong.

ANSWER: Yes, there is a heart condition that is in need of change. After answering several of your
questions, it is now easy to see why your marriage is not restored. Your initial letters gave the appearance of a
strong and committed believer out to finish the race set before her. Later, rebellion was uncovered. When you
realized it, instead of bringing yourself to humility, there was a period of time that you, in a way, blamed God
for it—like He had let you down. This is a grave and serious heart problem.

Then there were several days hesitation on obedience; another serious heart condition. It seems that you care
more about your marriage being restored than you do about being obedient, meek, and quiet. But those are the
things that restore a marriage. When I entered into the “race” for my marriage, I, too, began it with my
marriage as my goal—for me. But very soon I began running it for Him, for my Lord. He had entered me in
the race to change me. He became everything to me. And even as things got worse and worse, He could not
let me down, because He owed me nothing. And if He never restored my marriage, I would still have praised
Him and done everything I had done because He was worth it and He deserved it.

I never deserved, nor earned, a restored marriage. I am too much of a sinner and a wretch. But God in His
mercy gave me one. It was through the suffering that I learned obedience, which gave me the right heart
toward Him, which was His goal all along.
73 11. Mistakes

QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] I am in dire financial need and my husband believes the only way is
for a judgment so I can access his 401k. We have been separated for two years and he tells me he loves me
and comes over often but believes he was never meant for marriage. I will be forced to leave the area, as it is
very expensive here and leave my 16-year-old son, who has only had my husband to look to as his father, so
he can finish high school. Am I wrong to leave this area? I told my husband I will not stand in his way.

ANSWER: Many of us, who are Christians, often look at our situation just as anyone in the world would. We
settle for the “obvious” conclusion instead of BELIEVING for the impossible. “Now faith is the assurance of
things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Heb. 11:1). It wasn’t until I needed a miracle in my life
that I found that I could ask and believe for things that “seemed” impossible. “For nothing will be impossible
with God” (Luke 1:37).

DO NOT RESIGN YOURSELF TO LEAVING THE AREA!! Instead, pray FERVENTLY to stay. “But you,
when you pray, go into your inner room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in
secret, and your Father who sees in secret will repay you” (Matt. 6:6). It’s the devil who wants you to go!
Your son AND YOUR HUSBAND needs you there. Many feel “led” or feel “forced” to leave which also
means leaving the FRONT LINES of your spiritual battle.

God will show you a way that will enable you to stay. Just be careful not to look to others to “supply” the
way. “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19).
QUESTION: [I am divorced. My spouse lives with someone else.] I sent a praise report that wall of anger has
started coming down and ex told me I could email him anytime. We emailed each other twice while he was
away—he told me about his job and I gave him updates on children. He said he was taking daughter
Christmas shopping for OW and me. When he returned, I made a wrong comment and immediately
apologized and repented. I have not heard from him since. I tried a three day fast but got sick after 32 hours
and had to stop. Why do I keep making these stupid mistakes?
ANSWER: Two reasons: First because you have not completely renewed your mind. The more that you read
and hear the truth, through reading the Word, the book, workbook (both of which are MOSTLY selected
Scripture), and by listening to the videos or audio tapes which are the principles of Scripture in action.

Secondly, it is a dying to self. “And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him
deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 9:23). Allowing your flesh to die, so that you
can fully walk in the Spirit. The best way to kill the flesh is to starve it. Every time you have an “urge” to say
something you shouldn’t, to anyone—DON’T. Deny yourself every day, all day. This will train you not to say
anything that should not be said the next time you are tested in this area. “For the flesh sets its desire against
the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do
the things that you please” (Gal. 5:17).

QUESTION: When my husband left the marriage and was firm about a divorce, I reluctantly complied. And I
did not let go, even though I accepted a job as a flight attendant. Then I found your tapes and books. Financial
pressures had me focused on trusting the Lord, as well as giving my best to my new employer. I prayed about
the circumstances, and now, am being furloughed with the airline crisis. I can move back to our hometown,
where he is involved with OW. I believe moving back is God’s way of bringing me back to the common area
we shared, but I also fear that moving back will be perceived as pursuit. I am confused, and need to make a
decision about moving back, or taking work elsewhere. I wrote the letter to let go. I have trusted God to work
in all circumstances. Yet I am very confused despite fasting, waiting to hear from The Lord, and needing to
make a decision. Thank you for your prayers for me to know God’s will to restore, and to not get in the way
74 Questions & Answers
of God’s plan or the move of the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life or mine!
ANSWER: Attempt to move back, asking the Lord to “open the doors” to employment, a place to live, etc. I
believe, too, that this is God’s way, but to be sure, He will need to do it. It will be difficult living close by, but
by intensifying your prayer life and quiet time with the Lord, God will bring about victory. Do not be
concerned by what it appears you are doing (pursuing). You are not, so rest in the fact that you want the Lord
to lead you. If the move does not materialize through Him, do not pursue it. Being in the center of God’s will
is where you want to be!
QUESTION: I have an opportunity to refinance my house. I would save quite a lot of money in doing so.
However, if I do, my husband‘s name would no longer appear on our house papers. He built and lives in a
house with another woman, but has not married her. What should I do?

ANSWER: To answer you briefly, (I believe you must know the answer)—it is really your choice. You can
remove his name to save money, but the action is not conducive to restoration. Any time we initiate division
in any way, we are dividing not restoring.

My question is “What has the Lord said when you sought Him?” Is He leading you in this, or is this a test of
your commitment? Recently I have been so grieved when answering the questions that come in to our
ministry. The Lord spoke to me one night about a woman I had met and had ministered to. He said that I was
“in His way!” I have taken this to heart. So many women are seeking my counsel and not the Lord’s. Only He
can really guide you. I can confirm what He has said through Scripture, but it is very wrong of me to be
replacing the personal leadings of the Lord.
It’s true, many women are deceived in their crisis due to the many schemes of the enemy; however, I am
always blessed when someone writes and says that they believe the Lord is leading them in a certain way and
ask me what I think, rather than just asking me without ever consulting their Savior. Almost always I have
been able to confirm what the Lord had been showing them. Walking closely with the Lord is what will lead
to restoration, not following or seeking me.

QUESTION: My alcoholic husband of 29 years has been having an affair for almost a year now. When I
found out, I told my husband that if he ever wanted to come back, there would be no more alcohol and I told
him to leave. I have been praying earnestly that my husband would find Jesus in his heart, that he would be
delivered from alcohol and would come back to me. My husband since that time, I found out, has been living
with the adulteress woman. We talked yesterday and he said he loves me. Since I heard your tapes, I wonder if
I was wrong to tell him to leave. I miss him so much. YOUR TAPES HAVE HELPED ME
TREMENDOUSLY TO TRUST GOD MORE. If I am wrong, please tell me.

ANSWER: I doubt that you husband has been having a “party” or “affair” but has been in the sin of adultery.
An, yes, you did make a mistake in telling him to go. It seems that God has used this for your good, and things
are going well now. However, after you read the testimonies in The Word of Your Testimony, it would be wise
to confess your wrong doing in asking him to leave. It resulted in his living with the adulterous woman, which
means that you caused him to stumble. “And whoever causes one who believes to stumble, it would be better
for him if, with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, he had been cast into the sea” (Mark 9:42).
The following verses should help you to find your answer. “But because of immoralities, let each man have
his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and
likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Cor. 7:2).

“And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her
11. Mistakes 75
husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is
sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy” (1
Cor. 7:13–14). “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
everything” (Eph. 5:24). “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is
the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:3). “But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if
any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away” (1
Cor. 7:12). “Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the
wife see to it that she RESPECT her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
 12
|
Remarriage
With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.
—Mark 10:27

QUESTION: My husband is on the job overseas. He emailed me that he has a girlfriend and is living with her
and wants a divorce. I am his first wife, he is my second husband, and I had a child by yet another man after
my first divorce. My husband adopted my first child and we have three of our own. I’m confused. In my first
marriage there was fornication and adultery. I was not saved then. If God wants me to be with my first
husband, then what about my children? (I don’t want my ex of 20 years. He’s remarried twice.)

ANSWER: You’re not the only one who is confused!! The more sin is involved the more confusing things
become. Some have decided to live under the law and say that God sanctions only FIRST marriages.
Unfortunately, those who choose this route not only directly violate a verse in Deuteronomy 24:1–4 , “When a
man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found
some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out
from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband
turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house,
or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not
allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the
LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance” they
also miss the blessings of living under grace.
“For as many as are of the works of the Law are under a curse; for it is written, “CURSED IS EVERYONE
WHO DOES NOT ABIDE BY ALL THINGS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF THE LAW, TO PERFORM
THEM” (Gal. 3:10). “You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you
have fallen from grace” (Gal. 5:4).
You mentioned not wanting to go back to your first husband who has been your ex for 20 years. Well, I doubt
the Lord is asking you to. However, you MUST seek HIS will not your own. When we are in any situation it
is important that we seek the Lord and the leading of the Holy Spirit for our answers. Should you be seeking
reconciliation with your most recent husband? The one YOU may have the most feelings for? Or, should you
RIGHT NOW, seek reconciliation with your Bridegroom, Lord and Savior? This is where I would suggest
you begin—trusting that He will lead you into all truth regarding the rest of your life.
If after spending time with the Lord, you come to believe that He is leading you in a particular direction, ask
Him to verify it through His Word and through two or three witnesses. “... BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR
THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED” (Matt. 18:16).

FAQ: Spouses who have remarried

We have recently rewritten chapter 12 in the RYM book that was formerly called “Asking God” has now been
renamed “Seeking God.” This chapter will minister to many of you who are plagued with guilt or doubt about
God restoring your marriage because you are in a second or subsequent marriage.
77 12. Remarriage

QUESTION: I have recently received your book How God Will Restore Your Marriage and am ordering A
Wise Woman workbook and videos. I have dealt with my situation for years but it has gotten worse. It is
complicated because I have remarried. I have known that it was wrong shortly after I did it. There has not
been desire or love in my new marriage. My heart belongs with my first husband even though he was
remarried and had another child. He is now divorced and looking at a new relationship. I am praying for God
to close that door and bring him back to me. I have to solve the situation I am in. I have relied on my second
husband. Now I have to find a new home and means of support, but Satan is at work trying to make things
complicated. I need a prayer partner. I am taking back what is mine!
ANSWER: We do have Encouragement Partners who are accountability and prayer partners as part of our
Restoration Fellowship. The office forwarded your letter to me because they read some things that are in
error. I understand your situation completely. And it is VERY possible that the Lord does have your first
husband in mind for you to return to. HOWEVER, you will have to stop living your life with doing what you
want to do or you will NEVER have God’s best for you. You will continue to have more heartache more
trouble and more defeat as a Christian.
If you believe that the Lord has placed this on your heart, you MUST allow Him to show you by allowing
HIM to move in this direction on your behalf. If your present marriage is SUPPOSED to end, then your
present husband will have to do it. If you go ahead and leave and pursue the divorce, then I guarantee you will
never be blessed by winning your first husband back. His heart is in God’s hands and no manipulation will
work:king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes”
“The
(Prov. 21:1). “Thou hast removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to
them; I am shut up and cannot go out” (Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; My
acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps. 88:18).

Unless you submit to God’s plan and make Jesus LORD of your life, you will never be blessed, NEVER! Your
husband is not yours; he is God’s. And if He wants you to have him, then He will GIVE him to you. Right now you
need to go after God like you are going after your first husband or what you believe to be yours. We own NOTHING
in this world. It is all the Lord‘s: “For every beast of the forest is Mine . . . And everything that moves in the field is
Mine . . . For the world is Mine, and all it contains” (Ps. 50:10–12).
I don’t know if your present husband is a believer, but if you get on fire for the Lord, it may just push him to
release you and for the right reason. However, once your heart is right after pursuing the Lord and not the
lusts of the flesh (lust of the flesh is ANYTHING we want apart from God), then the Lord may turn your heart
to your present husband. “You shall have no other gods before Me . . . for I, the LORD your God, am a
jealous God” (Exod. 20:3–5).

In the book, second and subsequent marriages should be handled this way: to give up what we want for what
is God’s will. You must be willing to stay in this marriage if the Lord says stay, or be willing to allow the
Lord to move this husband to release you and turn your first husband’s heart back to you. I have seen both
happen. However, make sure that you do not try to be a “Jesus freak “in order to GET your husband to get rid
of you.

While you wait for God to move, you would do well to saturate yourself in all the materials that you are
getting from our ministry. Read the Restore Your Marriage book over and over again. Watch the videos and
really work through A Wise Woman workbook. Whatever marriage you are in, you will need to be a Godly
wife. If God has in mind to restore your first marriage, you will have to be totally redone by the Lord and
through His Word: “. . . that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the
word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such
78 Questions & Answers
thing; but that she should be holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:26–27).

Lastly, there is a verse in Scripture that you may or may not know of that you need to seek God about: “When a
man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some
indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts {it} in her hand and sends her out from his
house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns
against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house,
or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is NOT
allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the
LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance” (Deut.
24:1–4).
You may want to tell yourself that since this is the Old Testament then it does not apply. However, Jesus said,
“For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from
the Law, until all is accomplished” (Matt. 5:18).

“Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and so teaches others, shall be called least in
the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of
heaven” (Matt. 5:19).

I cannot annul one of God’s principles. However, I have seen Jesus’ blood and God’s mercy cover the sin of
your second marriage and have seen God restore the first marriage. But again, ALL this will ONLY happen if
you TOTALLY and completely lay your will or lusts aside wanting only the Lord and His will.

You may think you are fighting the devil, but too often, Christians are fighting against God because they
continue to stray from their first love. Who is really your first love? Your first husband or is it the Lord?
QUESTION: I noticed your belief is for Restored marriages—I, too, agree to that. In your FAQ it mentioned
if your spouse has remarried after one has been believing, and when divorce from the second marriage has
happened, one should seek the Lord if they are to return to that marriage.

ANSWER: Would it not stand to reason that if the Lord led you to believe for the healing and restoration of
the covenant marriage and in spite of a second marriage by the departing spouse, that when that marriage
breaks, the path would remain towards praying for reconciliation and restoration of the first marriage?

I believe in seeking God at all times: for when we “lean onto our own understanding” rather than “in all our
ways acknowledging Him,” we can lose our way and stray from the perfect path.
God’s thoughts are above our thoughts, for who has known the mind of God? Yes, it would “stand to reason,”
but reasoning is not what we are called to do. We are to have faith, being led by Him, seeking Him
continually. My heart and my hope is that all would never use reason, but seek Him always, in all things.

FAQ: Covenant Marriages

QUESTION: Could you explain your concern with those who emphasis “Covenant Marriages”?

Covenant Marriage. The term “covenant marriage” was coined from Malachi 2:14: “Yet you say, ‘For what
reason?’ Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you
have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”
79 12. Remarriage
It does not say that it is a first marriage or that a first marriage is all that the Lord will recognize. We cannot
read into a verse what we WANT it to say. “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine;
but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their
own desires; and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths” (2 Tim. 4:3–4). Only
the truth will set us free.
Spiritual pride. Have you looked at others who are not in “covenant” marriages, who are in second or
subsequent marriages, as sinners? When you believe that your husband’s marriage is invalid, due to your
belief that he is still your husband, then you elevate yourself above others, which is pride.

“The Pharisee stood and was praying thus to himself, ‘God, I thank Thee that I am not like other people:
swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax-gatherer. I fast twice a . . .’” (Luke 18:11–13). The Pharisees
whom Jesus always spoke against, thought that Jesus and his apostles were sinners because of their
interpretation of the laws and adherence to them. The Pharisee would speak against all sinners harshly and
critically out of his hardened heart.

Are you convinced that the person that your spouse is living with or is now married to is still yours? Even in
our country “possession” is more powerful than titles or deeds after enough time has passed. Whether or not
my husband was living with ME is what I cared about. It’s like a person whose car has been stolen. They
pride themselves that they still have the title to the car, but who cares if they have the title when someone else
has their car!

I was not interested in signing my husband’s name to the letters I sent out or on Christmas cards. I was not
content to wear my wedding rings when there was another woman he preferred to be with. I could not watch
my husband divorce and remarry someone else while I stood by with other “standers.”

I was determined to have my husband back home with my children and me. My husband came home to me,
not because I held the “title” to our marriage, but because I did everything that you have read or will read in
the RYM book! I was different through my brokenness and through God’s mercy and ability to transform me.

Remain unmarried. Is God calling you to remain unmarried, at least for a time? It is a GOOD thing to
remain unmarried. When my husband was just about to come home, I had the strongest desire to remain
unmarried. It wasn’t because I no longer wanted him home and my marriage restored, but because I had found
that not having a spouse to please let me concentrate on pleasing my Lord and Savior! “But I say to the
unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I” (1 Cor. 7:8). The same holds true
for a man.
“And the woman who is unmarried . . . is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in
body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her
husband. And this I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly,
and to secure UNDISTRACTED devotion to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:34–35). Could you be content to remain
unmarried? If you could not, then you must take a hard look to see who is really first in your life.

Most of those who I have ministered to, who are still “standing” after a remarriage has occurred, are more
obsessed with their former spouse than those whose spouse have not remarried. It has become idolatry in most
cases. Getting their spouse back seems to be the most important goal in their lives!

Every woman, whether your spouse is remarried or not, your most important goal MUST BE a deep
relationship with your Lord and Savior. He must be first in your life. If not now, WHEN?
80 Questions & Answers
Has your pursuit to restore your marriage caused you to stumble? Has it caused you to become spiritually
arrogant? Has it become idolatry? Have you become unfruitful in your Christian walk due to your longing for
your spouse or marriage or for your former spouse and former marriage?
Trust Him. If you want the abundant life God has for you as one of His children, you must trust Him with
your life. God wants to give you an abundant life, not a counterfeit. If you choose to try and do this yourself,
it is in vain. Psalms 127:1 says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it . . .”
Please, pray from your heart, “Father, if Thou art willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but
Thine be done” (Luke 22:42).

QUESTION: Should I pray for restoration of my marriage since I married a man who was previously married
and has two kids from his previous marriage? His ex-wife divorced him and married a man she had an eight
year adulterous affair with. She is a devout atheist. He met me two years after his divorce. Was our marriage
adulterous since he was married before? Should I be praying for his ex-wife to divorce her current husband,
become saved and remarry my ex-husband? Do I need to be content being single forever?

ANSWER: First, let me say that I appreciate your referring to the “adulterous” affair. If I could be so bold,
just take it one step further and refer to this type of sin as an adulterous “relationship” since the word “affair”
still hurts when I saw the pain this sin has caused so many. Secondly, your answer is basically covered in
chapter 11 and 12 in the Restore Your Marriage book. You really need to seek the Lord to see what He would
have you to do? Yes, your marriage was adulterous. “. . . but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife,
except for the cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman
commits adultery” (Matt. 5:32). However, by praying right now for the Lord to forgive you, He will. Even
sins of ignorance need to be repented of. But the good news is that His blood covers all! Then you need to
seek the Lord to see if it is His will that you seek restoration with your ex-husband.

As far as praying for his ex-wife to divorce her husband in order for her to marry her first husband, this would
,not
“When a man
be right takes
since a wife
it would goand
against Gods Word. Deuteronomy 24:1–4
marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her,
and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she
leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and
writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter
husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take
her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you
shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.”

You do need to be content to be single for right now. Whether or not it is forever, I do not know. Contentment is
seen in all marriages that are ultimately restored. Seek the Lord and ask Him (after you repent of adultery) what
He wants for you. If He shows you or places in your heart that He wants to restore it, then rejoice because He
doesn’t want you to remain single. But if He does not want you to seek restoration for your marriage, then rejoice
because you will have the best Husband! “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say,
rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4).
“‘Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; Neither feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you
will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. “For
your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of
Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you, like a wife forsaken and grieved
in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected,’ Says your God” (Is. 54:4–6).

QUESTION: I was wondering what do you say about the Deuteronomy Scripture. My husband has
81 12. Remarriage
remarried, and I still believe God to restore my marriage. I have gone on with my life—but I was asked to
leave my church because they say its wrong doctrine to believe for the healing of my marriage (since my
husband has remarried). That they would not be covering for me, and to find another church. How do you
confront this question—especially if a pastor tells you that you are in wrong doctrine?
ANSWER: I assume the verses that you are referring to are Deuteronomy 24:1–4, “When a man takes a wife
and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in
her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she
leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and
writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter
husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take
her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall
not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.”
These verses are talking specifically about the woman who remarries and her defilement. In a day and age
when we are “blending” roles and the sexes are seen as the same, it may be hard for you to grasp, but the
defilement is in the woman, not the man. This is confirmed in many verses: All through Leviticus we see the
protection or punishment for the defilement of the woman only. Since you have remained unmarried and
undefiled then this portion of Scripture would not apply to you.

However, for those who have become defiled, God sent His Son for the forgiveness of ALL sins. His blood
covers their defilement as well. We are no longer under the law, but live under grace when we accept the gift
of salvation.

As far as the Lord restoring your marriage, God is the God of the impossible and if He has put this desire in
your heart, then He can do it. Take time to read Ezra 9 and 10 for encouragement and pray that the Lord will
lead you to a church where the will encourage you toward restoration. However, restoration is a narrow road
and becomes even narrower after a remarriage has occurred. It may be just you, God and our ministry, but that
is more than I had—so rejoice!

QUESTION: My husband just told me that he and the OW have decided to get married. I said nothing to him
but OK. Yes, I ran to God first and will continue to run to Him with all of my heart. Help . . . what do I do
now?

ANSWER: Stay in the Lord‘s presence seeking Him. Have you seen your husband’s heart turned back to
you? The stages are: 1– NO MORE ARGUMENTS. There can be NO arguments or strife in any
conversations with your spouse. 2– LETTING GO. Once the spouse knows that they are FREE to go, that you
will not pursue, then this, along with the rest from strife, will bring the anger wall down. 3– YOU’RE
DIFFERENT. The gentle and quiet person emerges and your spouse is drawn back to you. However, the cords
of his sin are still usually holding him and may be pulling him toward a divorce and a new marriage, but his
heart is NOT in it. You are still intimate and you show unconditional love. 4– DIVORCE. Possibly a divorce
goes through; but you give your shirt, coat, go the extra mile, allow yourself to be defrauded and release or
never get an attorney. Because of your loving response to the evil done to you, your spouse begins to feel
conviction. Also, troubles are mounting in the enemy‘s camp and the OW begins to take on a bitter and sharp
tongue. However, you have now captured the gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
You smile at the future knowing your hope is in Him. 5– REMARRIAGE PLANS. When the enemy comes in
“roaring” about a possible remarriage, your heart is fixed. You know your spouse doesn’t really want it, but
you are content to live a life of singleness for however long with the Lord since you are really “in love” with
Him. I hope this helps.
82 Questions & Answers
QUESTION: Deuteronomy 24:1–4 clearly teaches that if a spouse remarries after divorce that the first spouse
is not to “remarry” at all. Jesus in Matthew 19:11–12 further supports when He mentions that it is a hard
saying, but some are to make themselves “eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.” My question is not to
have you give me advice, per se, but rather to walk in agreement with your ministry on all issues so I can join
with you. This seems like a potential barrier to that.
ANSWER: I see no barrier. I, too, believe that these verses tell us that we are not to remarry. I certainly do
not encourage remarriage, but rather to remain in a state of singleness.
QUESTION: My spouse and I are already divorced and my spouse has remarried. I stood strong for my
marriage for three years until someone told me that it was unscriptural to do so since it was a second marriage
for both of us. Both first marriages were brief (his ended because of his ex-wife‘s adultery). I was not a
Christian (he was) when we were married. We were married 25 years when he left. Can you tell me if it is
unscriptural to believe for a second marriage?

ANSWER: No, it is not unscriptural. There are many well meaning Christians and pastors who tell us MANY
things that are truly out of the pit of hell. There is a movement that has sprung up that says that God only
recognizes first marriages; due in part, I am sure, to their desire to have their first husbands back. NOWHERE
in the Bible does it say God does NOT recognize second marriages or that He only sees them as adultery.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has
found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her
out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter
husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of
his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her
away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination
before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an
inheritance” (Deut. 24:1–4).
We see from these verses that If God had NOT recognized the second marriage then surely she could have
gone back to her first husband. Those who believe that “second marriages are not recognized by God” do not
understand these verses. But, MOST IMPORTANTLY—it is NOT ABOUT THE LAW.

The real answer is not found in the laws, but in the grace of God and the shed blood of Jesus. If we put
ourselves under the law, to try and follow it all, then we are guilty of all—since we are all sinners. But if we
throw ourselves at the foot of the cross, accepting his stripes for our sins and plead for His grace and mercy
then we are free from the penalties of the law. “You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be
justified by law; you have fallen from grace” (Gal. 5:4).

I have seen many second marriages restored. I have seen God restore a first marriage when a wife returned to
her first husband after she was in a second marriage. It’s not about the law; it’s about seeking His will and His
grace and mercy. The Restore Your Marriage book really begins with reconciling yourself to the Lord. Then
by taking the knowledge and wisdom you have found, along with the repentance, you can ask God to show
you if He wants to restore your marriage to your previous husband. I would ask God to end your husband’s
present marriage as a sign to you that this is HIS future for you. “Know that wisdom is thus for your soul; If
you find it, then there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off” (Prov. 24:14).

QUESTION: [State: Kansas. My spouse is now remarried.] You quoted Deuteronomy 22 on a previous
column concerning one flesh. When my husband was single, he was sexually active, before and after he
became a Christian. Before I met him, he had been celibate for six months (I was a virgin). Since he was
83 12. Remarriage
intimate after becoming a Christian, is that woman the one with whom he is one flesh, and not me, even
though he has been my only partner? Also, you said that God doesn’t honor any adulterous relationships. He
and the OW have a child. Since kids are gift from God, how is that not honor?
ANSWER: All children are a blessing of the Lord, even if they are a result of sin. Many children are born out
of wedlock, but I doubt that it is a sign that God is blessing the couple’s sin of fornication or when the child is
a result of rape. It is always difficult to discern who belongs to whom when sin gets into the picture. The more
sin the more confusion. Most married couples today, unfortunately, were not virgins when they married. Also,
I do not hold to before being a Christian versus after being a Christian in measuring the consequence of
whether the sin sticks since there is no differentiating when reading the Word in that regard.
To answer your question, I don’t know WHOM your husband is one flesh with, you, his first intimacy, or the
first one after he was a Christian. I doubt it is his current relationship. However, you clearly need to know if it
is you, so that you can be assured that you are to seek restoration for your marriage. Chapter 12 in the RYM
book may help you to find God’s will concerning your restoration. As you seek Him earnestly, He will guide
you into all truth. In addition, when I was not sure about restoring my marriage, I asked that He show me
through what He did (turning my husband’s heart back to be and ultimately restoring my marriage) and what
He put in my heart (new love for my husband and forgiveness) that only could come from Him.

QUESTION: I went for a year and a half not knowing where my spouse was. This month, I heard from his
father that he and the other woman had married, and now have a child. I believed that God was going to
restore my marriage, prayed for his salvation and protection, and asked God to change me into the wife I
needed to be (to which he has been so faithful). However, since he has remarried and has a child, should I
continue to pray for restoration?

ANSWER: I can tell from your heart that you want to do what is right, which is to do the will of the Lord.
Women whose husbands have remarried (and have children with the OW) would do well to read and reread
Ezra chapters 9 and 10. You will find that chapter 12, “Seeking God” in the RYM book will help you to find
your answer. And for more encouragement, we also have restored marriages after remarriage in our By the
Word of Their Testimony book.

QUESTION: [State: Illinois. Current Marital Status: married; My spouse lives with someone else. A divorce
has been filed. I have an attorney. My spouse is in adultery.] Erin: The divorce my husband filed is starting to
go forward. My husband is in an affair and the woman is real pushy. My husband never calls or comes over. I
think that the affair is pushing the divorce. If the divorce goes through, which I am praying it won’t, if my
husband marries the other woman, should I stop hoping to restore my marriage? Is this the point I should stop
hoping for the restoration of my marriage? I have prayed to God and feel He wants me to keep praying and
wait.

ANSWER: First, if you would forgive me, but your husband is in adultery, not is an affair, which denotes a
party. When dealing with the pain and destruction of adultery like I do, it is so hard to hear people speak of it
with such trite comments. Secondly, my hope is that the divorce won’t even go through. But that may depend
solely on you. Why have you not dropped your attorney ? “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that
you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Cor.
“Thus
6:7) . Ifsays theis Lord of your life, why do you not trust Him enough to protect and defend you?
Jesus
LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength” since He knows this will cause
your heart to turn “away from the LORD” (Jer. 17:5).

You know the truth since you read the book, but it is not enough. You MUST apply what you have learned.
“Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). It’s not
84 Questions & Answers
enough to say Jesus is Lord, your actions say that He is NOT. “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do
not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).
If you begin to trust and obey Him now, you will not have to worry about your husband remarrying. You are
EXACTLY where I was. The divorce did go through; but well before it did, my NOT contesting and NOT
having counseling brought great conviction into my husband’s heart. The other woman was the one who
called the attorney, paid for the attorney and pushed my husband to pursue the divorce even though his heart
had changed towards me. “But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword” (Prov.
5:4). But God used it for my good because I trusted Him. He was faithful to bless me because I was faithful to
trust in Him! My husband’s eyes were opened to the fact that this other woman was like I USED to be—
PUSHY. Had I not changed, he may have dropped her after the divorce and found someone else, but it
WOULDN’T have been ME!

If you don’t have our resources regarding divorce, I would highly recommend you spend your money on
getting them with the money you’ll be saving on attorney costs. The Facing Divorce book is filled with
Scriptures and testimonies. The “Facing Divorce” video/DVD is more of encouragement like the “Be
Encouraged!” series. The compliment one another and will help you to trust God, which will result in your
having a testimony just like mine (restored after a divorce) or like many others in the Word of Their Testimony
book when God stops it before the divorce goes through!
QUESTION: Erin, I am divorced and know God will bring my husband home. When God brings him home
and since we are divorced should we remarry as soon as he asks to come home? I am confused on this matter,
I don’t recall you ever saying at what point and time did you and your husband remarry, I remember you
recalling the phone call asking if he can come home and you went and met him and gathered his items. Did
you remarry right away? My husband and I are closer with each day—I want to make sure I do it right.

ANSWER: In my case, only three weeks after the divorce, I had two people call me who said that while they
were praying, the Lord told them I was NOT divorced. I thought that MAYBE my husband hadn’t gone to
court and hadn’t told me since I did not receive any final papers. I meekly asked him if he had gone, which he
replied “yes.” Confused, but knowing God was up to something, I again received another call, the third
conformation, from someone who heard this same thing! The next day, I saw the final papers when my
husband brought them by.
There was a BLATANT mistake right on the front page with our legal names. After prayer, I felt led to call
my husband’s attorney to tell him of the error. When I told him, he became EXTREMELY excited and
pressed me to find out if either of us had remarried (this was my husband’s intent as you know). When I
assured him no, he said emphatically, “Don’t. You are not legally divorced!” “However,” he went onto say,
“It is only a matter of filing an amended paper that will make it legal.”

With this information I, of course, was rejoicing in the incredible sovereignty of God!!! Had I gone to court or
had a lawyer, this blatant mistake would have never occurred, therefore, I was rejoicing, too, in God’s grace
that enabled me to not go to court or get a lawyer. Yet, here I was with this vital information not knowing
what to do with it. I fasted and the truth began to gnaw at me. I had to be upfront with my husband so that he
would know the truth and also so he could make it legal by just signing one paper.

That night after the children went to bed, when my husband was getting ready to leave, I told him. I was
shocked at his response. He was ecstatic! He said that God had delivered him from the biggest mistake of his
life!!! Then a grave concern covered his face as he said, “Erin, please don’t tell anyone about this! If word
gets back to “her” then she will force me to make it legal!” I assured him I wouldn’t, and he left.
85 12. Remarriage
So much was revealed to me that day. That he was pushed into it, that she had been the one to pay for it and
that my husband knew it was a mistake! But most of all that he had been delivered, and so had I!! However,
NOTHING was ever said after that. It was as if the divorce and our conversation never had happened. But, if
you have seen our web site, you know that God did answer my prayers for a big wedding. I had prayed that
we would have another wedding someday. GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!
Those who have had to legally “remarry” have done so differently: One couple took off work the next day at
noon, went to the court house, got married and the husband moved his things in that night! Some have stayed
in their own apartments and planned the wedding for a month later, sometimes two, so that more people could
witness their miracle. One man moved back home into the spare bedroom, they planned a small ceremony at
their church for the following week. They were married and had a weekend honeymoon. However, we do
NOT encourage women to do this but to live separately until the wedding night. We have seen MORE
disappointed and heart broken women whose husbands move back, promising a remarriage, but it never
happened. God (and your husband) will honor your commitment to stay living apart until you are legally
married (no matter what he may say). For encouragement, see Hilary’s testimony from South Africa in the
Word of Their Testimony book. They vary just as much as the testimony themselves.
 13
|

Restoration Process
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten… I sent among you.
—Joel 2:25

QUESTION: [State: Colorado. I am presently: married but separated. My spouse left.] My situation is unlike
most of the ones you address in your daily Q&A. My children take turns living with both my husband and me.
My husband is still very active in my life. I have seen tremendous changes in both of us and I am encouraged
daily. However, I still feel on some level that I’m doing something wrong or that I am a failure. I’m
wondering if you ever reached that point and if so, how did you reach that point of breakthrough? I also feel
as if I’m being too analytical.
ANSWER: You may be analytical, but I believe it’s because the Lord is trying to show you something. I saw
it in your questionnaire. You have unconfessed sin in your life and it is keeping you from moving ahead. You
cannot trust God when you can’t be close to God. Sin separates us from Him. You must confess your
unfaithfulness to your husband before you can go on with the things of God. I can see your heart’s desire by
how many times you said you read the book and workbook. You yearn so much to do what is right. I know
that this sin is in your past, but it must be revealed to your husband. Since he suspects it, it won’t be as
shocking to him as it would be if he had no inclination. Your confession MAY trigger him to confess his
possible unfaithfulness; which may result in him being released from this sin that is keeping him from you.
Remember the testimony in By the Word of Their Testimony book of the woman who confessed her adultery.
Things could go VERY BADLY in the beginning, so be prepared. However, you must know that confession
is God’s way and therefore, He will, eventually, reward you for your humility and faithfulness to Him.

QUESTION: [Present Marital Status: divorced. I was divorced last week after a 15-month separation.] I
“feel” like my prayers are bouncing off the wall. I am seeking the Lord for questions/direction/answers but
not sure that I am finding any. My husband is sad/guilty/angry. Says it would be easy to come home but he
won’t! Spends A LOT of time with OW and her children and takes our three there also. Things are getting
worse. What am I missing? Please help!

ANSWER: I believe your husband is having the same trouble that my husband was having. He CAN’T get
home; he is stuck! The sadness and guilt are the result of God convicting him—so it shows that his heart is
good. The anger may be with you, or it may be with himself for getting himself into this MESS.

Pray for the Lord to help you to be his friend. PLEASE fast and pray for him. Trust me when I say that he
cannot get out of where he is without your help! “ And I searched for a man among them who should build up
the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one” (Ezek.
22:30). “But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matt. 17:21). “His own iniquities will
capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin“ (Prov. 5:22).

Fast three days for favor and see what happens the next time you see him. Show him that you “feel” for him
and the mess he’s in (PUT HIM ABOVE YOUR OWN TROUBLES) by your attitude and by the way you
87 13. Restoration Process
“look” at him. This isn’t about talking or drumming up a conversation. When a person’s heart is for you, you
can feel it. Your prayers, coupled with your fasting, will set your husband FREE from the pit of adultery he is
now in. However, if there has not been sufficient change in you, he WILL FIND ANOTHER! Sadly, it
happens all the time!
QUESTION: [State: Alabama. Current Marital Status: married but separated. My spouse is in adultery.] I’ve
read the book and workbook, watched the videos, and am trying to implement all of the principles, things
seem to be getting worse and my husband seems more adamant about divorcing. I pray, fast and am in
Scripture; am I doing something wrong? Why are things worsening if I’m following the principles and the
Lord‘s guidance?

ANSWER: If you are implementing them and doing it from a broken and contrite heart “the sacrifices of God
are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise” (Ps. 51:17). If you are not
spiritually arrogant, a Pharisee “and He also told this parable to certain ones who trusted in themselves that
they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt . . .”
“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, and the other a tax-gatherer. The Pharisee stood
and was praying thus to himself, ‘God, I thank Thee that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust,
adulterers, or even like this tax-gatherer. ‘I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax-
gatherer, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his
breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified
rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, but he who humbles himself shall be
exalted” (Luke 18:9–14).

The fact that things are “getting worse” is USUALLY a good sign! “For this reason, rejoice, O heavens and
you who dwell in them...because the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, knowing that he has
ONLY a short time” (Rev. 12:12). This means that you are close to victory. “You need not fight in this battle;
station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not
fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the LORD is with you” (2 Chron. 20:17).

QUESTION: [State: Florida. Current Marital Status: divorced.] Hate wall is down. I have had few dinners
out with him and daughter; he even flirted with me. The OW is now back in town after trip, and now we are
back to casual acquaintances with only children in common. It seems like he was giving out false messages—
am I just hoping for too much too soon? What one thing brought back the “in love” feeling again for your
husband? Was it gradual or suddenly? I didn’t know about Restore Ministries when going through divorce—I
did everything wrong—filed out of anger hoping spouse would stop it.
ANSWER: Your husband was not giving out false messages. This is God showing you that He is faithful and
is turning your husband’s heart back to you. But it is also apparent that the cords of his sin of adultery are

holding
“In hopeyour husband.
against hope We ALL should
he believed, in hope, against hope!
order that
he might become a father of many nations, according to that which had been spoken, ‘SO SHALL YOUR
DESCENDANTS BE’” (Rom. 4:18).

All of your mistakes from the past may make things look impossible, but God wants us to hope against all hope.
Continue to walk in obedience to His Word and His principles. Make sure you are drawing closer to the Lord and
falling in love with Him. Your husband, in turn, will fall in love with you and do what he can to steal away from the
OW to be with you. This is the way it was with my husband—very gradual as I watched the Lord work on my behalf.
Once your husband begins to make advances, it is important that he KNOWS that you are indeed interested.
88 Questions & Answers
One way is to put your wedding ring back on. If he asks why, just say, “it feels right.” At that point, if you
haven’t done it already, tell him that now you know how stupid you were to file for divorce and how much
you regret it. Don’t say any more than that, just let him think about it or comment. But hold your tongue.
“WHATEVER” he says respond with loving eyes only. Also, get out of the single‘s group! And please don’t
go to the divorce recovery group you mentioned that meets at your church. If you are not totally faithful to
your marriage, God will NOT restore it! We have recently had many restored marriages in Florida; I hope
yours is next!!
QUESTION: [Current Marital Status: married but separated. My spouse lives with someone else.] What did
you mean in the daily Q&A in this statement: Until you are indoctrinated in the principles of the Lord, He will
NOT restore you marriage!!

ANSWER: When someone writes and tells me they have read the book several times, yet they still violate the
principles, then it is useless. “What use is it, my brethren, if a man says he has faith, but he has no works?
Can that faith save him?” (James 2:14). When you read and reread God’s Word (which is basically all that
the Restore Your Marriage book is), you are indoctrinating (def. to instruct in a belief; to accept a teaching or
thought) yourself into the ways of the Lord and gaining His favor. Until we do so, then God will not restore
the marriage. When we know the Word, specifically in regards to our relationships, then God can freely
move; KNOWING that we will not return to the sins from our past or to following the ways of the world.
Applying God’s principles to our lives is the key to receiving His blessings—a restored marriage!
QUESTION: [State: Hawaii. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] I have been separated for almost
two years. I continue to pray for my husband’s salvation and marriage restoration. He is still with the OW. I
feel peace now instead of sorrow. Is the Lord working or does this mean that I am giving up? I seek the Lord
for restoration. Is the peace usual, it just feels strange not feeling such intense sorrow? Is the Lord maybe
preparing me for the worst?

ANSWER: No. This does not mean the Lord is preparing you for the worst. It means that you are
experiencing peace. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall
guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus“ (Phil. 4:6–7).
I, too, experienced the same peace as I drew very close to the Lord. Then the devil would try to beat me up by
telling me that I had stopped caring since I was no longer in such intense pain! The enemy is telling you it is
God preparing you for the worst. The devil can be very powerful when Christians BELIEVE his lies. Cast

down this lie he is telling you from the pit of hell!! “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that
exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of
Christ ”I( say
“Again 2 Cor.
to 10:5). Let’s agree that the Lord is preparing you for your husband’s return!
you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My
Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 18:19).

QUESTION:
I’m concerned that I haven’t changed enough because God did not change husband’s hear—he did file for
divorce. I’m this energetic personality type. I don’t want to do anything that the LORD would view as being
disobedient. I was raised in a musical, theatrical Italian family—not sure I can be that calm, quiet type. What
does it mean to be a gentle quiet spirit? How do I know if I’m being “too much”? My mother-in-law is coming
Thursday to visit my husband. She told him she wants to see me. I said okay. Now I’m concerned because she
can be intrusive and overbearing. She will try to pull information out of me to tell
my husband. She is not on my side. She’s left the legacy of divorce to her three adult children and they have
followed suit. Pray that I don’t blow it.
89 13. Restoration Process

ANSWER: You are changing. I can see it. I changed also, but my husband still filed and went through with
the divorce. That was how far that Lord needed to take it. I, too, thought that I needed to become a quiet spirit.
I attempted to become a meek, sweet, shy type. I also heard that Joyce Meter attempted to be like her pastor’s
wife in order to be “precious in the sight of God! “. . . but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God” (1 Pet. 3:4).

The verse says that our “spirit” or our inner man is to be gentle and quiet or calm. God allowed me to be
broken through my husband’s adultery and abandonment; this is when He gave me that gentle and quiet
SPIRIT. God wants us to be who He created us to be. Some are naturally quiet on the outside, but are
aggressive and in turmoil on the inside. But what is precious to the Lord is the woman who trusts in Him and
can be calm in the midst of the storm. This has nothing to do with personality. Aren’t you glad? I am still very
outgoing and have become much bolder in my spirit; yet, inside I have a peace that surpasses all
understanding.

In regard to your mother-in-law, you did the right thing by saying “okay” to meeting with her. That’s what
you should do. Now, pray that she won’t be able to make it! However, if she does come it’s because God
believes that you are ready to be tested. It will take a good “walk in the spirit” to say little and not give
answers that will be used against you. Begin fasting right now it ALWAYS helps to fast!! Then continue to
pray throughout her stay, be evasive. Think of is as being a POW—give as little information as possible.

Being of the same personality type, I was amazed when I realized that MANY people don’t answer questions
when they are directed toward them. They just say, “I can’t say” or “I don’t know.” This is discretion in
action. “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion” (Prov. 11:22). I
used to be a big PIG wearing jewelry! Now, whenever I speak I SING THE PRAISES OF MY LORD and
edify my husband when anyone asks me ANYTHING!! Those who are sent by the devil (and there are a LOT
of them) can’t wait to get away from me! I know I have a big mouth and I am VERY driven, but now I use
these traits to advance the Kingdom of my Lord and Savior! Thank you Jesus!!

QUESTION: [Current Marital Status: divorced.] Erin, today I received a support check from my spouse
along with a note which he wrote: As an aside, if you ever think about selling and I’m still in real estate, I’d
like to discuss it with you as I’m confident that I could save you several thousand dollars. I can also
understand if you work with someone else; just a thought. How do I respond to this? Since my support has
been dropped in half, I think he feels I won’t be able to afford to stay in the house.

ANSWER: It may be that the Lord is giving you an opportunity to have time and interaction with your
husband again. I would certainly pray about taking him up on his offer. Pray that if it is supposed to sell, it
will. We all know that houses can sit on the market for YEARS. Our house in Pensacola was a steal, yet it
didn’t sell for over a year. God knew exactly the right time. If your house isn’t supposed to sell, the Lord is
MORE THAN ABLE to prevent it from selling. When we had our business for sale we had MANY very
interested buyers. But something ALWAYS stopped it from selling—until God brought the right couple
along. Trust the Lord and take this as a sign that God wants to give you a chance to spend time together.
However, BE READY!!! He MUST see a NEW gentle, quiet, and AGREEABLE woman for him to fall in
love with you again!

QUESTION: [State: Ohio. Current Marital Status: divorced How upset is your spouse? Very. Are you in the
Word (your Bible) daily? No. Do you have a designated quiet time with the Lord? No.] My husband blames
me for his stress, the kids’ problems coping with the divorce; he has taken our daughter to the psychologist
behind my back. He says it is my fault the kids have to see the psychologist. When I try to take the blame and
agree with him then he sees it as if I am trying suck up to him. This just all happened today, he is angry with
90 Questions & Answers
me. But just two days ago we went grocery shopping together, and he cooked dinner. I just don’t know what
to do with him. What is good one day is not the next.
ANSWER: There are many ups and downs in restoration. This is to be expected and is nothing to be worried
about unless you cause the ups and downs. Your answers on the questionnaire said that you are not in the
word daily and that you are not having a quiet time with the Lord. You mentioned that your husband is very
angry. You MUST do all that you can to allow the Lord to change you on the inside, so that it will radiate on
the outside. You MUST be the peace in the midst of the storm, but you can’t if you are not alone with the
Lord every day and reading His Word.
If your heart does not motivate you to accept the blame, your husband will not accept it. Unbelievers, (which
is what he is right now) can ALWAYS see through a Pharisee when they are doing works; which is what you

are doing now because you do not have a right relationship with your Lord. “Even so faith, if it has no works,
is dead, being by itself. But someone may well say, ‘You have faith, and I have works; show me your faith
without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.’ You believe that God is one. You do well; the
demons also believe, and shudder. But are you willing to recognize, you foolish fellow, that faith without
works is useless?” (James 2:17–20).

QUESTION: My husband is TOTALLY with another woman and her children. He is open now about it and
will only spend time w/our children at OW’s house. There seems to be no glimmer of anything moving in the
direction of restoration. In fact, the opposite is true. The children are getting more hurt and unhappy with
every visit and are forced to “fit in” the new situation? I do not know why this is happening! Things feel really
stalled and it is frightening!

ANSWER: You clearly have been reading, but how do I know if you are applying? I believe I can see from
your questionnaire the reason God is NOT moving in your marriage—unconfessed sin; adultery.
I have been overwhelmed by the number of people who have joined our fellowship that have committed
adultery but have failed to confess it to their spouse who now is in adultery! Some justify not telling their
spouses with that fact that they have confessed it before God or have told another Christian—but the sin was
“If thereforeagainst
committed you are presenting
their spouse,your offering
and that at be ignored.
cannot
the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before
the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your
offering”(Matt. 5:23–24). AlsoProverbs
, 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”

During the first few years of ministry, I began to see many marriages that were not restored; even though it
looked like the person desiring restoration was doing everything right. This baffled me. However, as I sought
the Lord He revealed two things. One was the condition of their heart. So often the person was self-righteous
(which can be deceptive) or was harboring unforgiveness (which can also be covered up for a time). The
second thing was hidden sin. God KNEW about the sin, but it was hidden from the person whom it was
committed against. And to say, “I don’t need to do any more than tell the Lord ‘I’m sorry’” is nonsense! It
takes humility to confess unfaithfulness to a spouse. To say, “I don’t need to...” is pure and simple PRIDE!
“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE
HUMBLE” (James 4:6).

Humble yourself by praying for an opportunity to confess your adultery to your husband. While confessing, make
sure that you confess to being a hypocrite and a Pharisee! If you have said or suggested that his adultery
was wrong make sure you confess to your double standards as you judged his sin but not your own. “Do not
judge lest you be judged” (Matt. 7:1). “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of
91 13. Restoration Process
measure, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:2). “And do not judge and you will not be judged; and do not
condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned” (Luke 6:37). Once you’ve
humbly confessed, then wait a few days or a couple of weeks and see if you don’t see a BREAKTHROUGH
in your relationship!
QUESTION: I have diligently followed all the advice in the books etc. Things actually seem to be getting
worse as now a “friendship” has developed that my children are involved with. My husband spends a
significant amount of his time with our children, with a divorced lady friend and her two children. He claims
that she is a friend and that nothing romantic is going on and he sees nothing wrong with this. What do you
think and what can I do?

ANSWER: There is no doubt that there is “something” going on. Yet, we are admonished in Scripture that
LOVE “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . .” (1 Cor.
13:7–8)
. How do you do this when all reasoning tells you the contrary? You NEVER question him, challenge
him or doubt his word, EVER! However, do not despair, we do have our prayer closet:
“But you, when you
pray, go into your inner room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret, and
your Father who sees in secret will repay you” (Matt. 6:6).

There is no need to worry about what YOU have no control over, for this will lead to sin. “So Cain became
very angry and his countenance fell. Then the LORD said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? And why has your
countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is
crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it’” (Gen. 4:5–7). How do you master it?
You use your energy to pray FERVENTLY that your children will be delivered from this situation. I assume
you are praying the hedge of thorns around your husband and also this divorced woman! Right now you have
been given an opportunity to show your husband 1 Corinthians love, which is irresistible, and also to watch
God move on your behalf.
Most women who face your same situation will confront, challenge, nag (in other words, become a
contentious woman) OR they become complacent and sacrifice their children and their well being. A Godly
woman “who can find?” will instead win her husband without any word(s) and show a respectful attitude, too!
She also has a “fear of the Lord“ and will someday be praised by her husband and children (Prov. 31)! In my
own situation, God showed Himself mightily and faithful to His Word and protected my children and their
hearts (I share this in more detail on the videos!).
QUESTION: What do you do in the situation where a spouse has not “fully” left? My husband and I have
been separated for almost a year, but he has been active in the kids and my life the whole time.
ANSWER: First, you REJOICE!!! Then, you look for EVERY opportunity to show him a gentle and quiet
spirit. Most women would give their right arm to be where you are. Take every advantage of the position the
LORD has given you. And PLEASE, do not take the ungodly, unscriptural and deadly counsel or advice to
bring things to “a head” or “a closure” by pushing him to make a commitment either way—“get in or get
out!” It will be something you WILL regret!!

God in His mercy sees that He has gotten your attention. If you respond to this situation by staying in His
presence, in His Word and on your face, there will be no need for Him to allow divorce papers to come to
your door or for you to hear your husband say “I don’t love you and never did—I have found someone else
that makes me happy!” That’s what it took to get MY attention and most of those whom I encouraged. It
might be a wise investment to get the “Be Encouraged!” videos or watch it again to hear what my husband
said turned his heart back to me.)
92 Questions & Answers
QUESTION: The other night my son mentioned to me that the last time he spent the night with my husband
he went into my husband’s room to see if he was up yet. He was asleep, but my son said he saw a picture of
the boys and me in the bed with him! What do you make of this? The night he told me we had all spent a
wonderful time at the fair together, however, that morning my husband had moved into his new (second)
apartment (closer to home by the way PTL).
ANSWER: It appears that God is moving mightily to restore your marriage! Hallelujah!!! Continue to seek
the face of the Lord for victory. Also, be looking all the ways the Lord is moving and answering your prayers.
I memorized and quoted Psalm 27:13 over and over again in my head: “I would have despaired unless I had
believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.” It caused me to watch for and
praise the Lord for each and every positive move of God! But if it looked like it was going the wrong way, I
would quote Romans 4:18, “In hope against hope he believed...”
Many women do not see their marriage through to restoration because they neglect this vital principle. Instead
they whine and complain which keeps them living in the desert! Unless their marriage is completely restored,
they are miserable. Restoration is a journey. The more you praise the Lord for the blessings along the way, the
quicker and more enjoyable your trip!
QUESTION: My husband called our adult daughter and asked her to get his fishing poles from our home he
arranged to meet her elsewhere to get them. I feel this was to avoid contact with me & I feel a little betrayed
by my daughter, as if she is protecting him from having to see me. When we do have contact, it’s never
hostile. Last week he even told me how cute I looked and gave me a big hug before he left. Should I say
anything to him or her?

ANSWER: NO!! Never confront your husband on ANY issue!! This is in the very first chapter of the
restoration book!!! Why feel betrayed? Your daughter (like everyone else’s children who have to face seeing
their parents separate) are caught in the middle and are pulled apart. It was not HER sin that caused this, but
yours and your husbands. Children are the only innocent victims in this! Your heart must be to understand her
position and then make her aware that “whatever” she does for her father would never be against you. When
we free our children up from being forced to take sides, then they, hopefully, will not suffer as much. As a
nurturing and loving mother this must be your heart! God revealed this to you to show you that your husband
still doesn’t feel comfortable around you and your ATTITUDE. And obviously, he was right to fear your
retributions after your lashing out about “betrayal.” Use it as a wake up call, repent, and ask God to BREAK
you of this.
QUESTION: I have read and followed your teaching on letting go. I have completely let my husband go. I do
not pursue him, but I do still wear my wedding ring. He calls me frequently to discuss the children and even
asks how I am doing. I always answer that I’m doing good. I make no demands on him and ask nothing of
him. My concern is why will he ever want to come back? He has a good job and a girlfriend that he seems to
enjoy very much. I don’t mention his girlfriend when we talk.

ANSWER: He will call and come back because: 1– GOD removed your husband, so when YOU are ready,

“Thou
He will hast removed
turn his my acquaintances
heart back to you! far from me; Thou hast made me
an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out” (Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and
friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps. 88:18). “The king’s heart is like channels of
water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). 2– Trouble is coming.
“Behold, I will cast her upon a bed of sickness, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation,
unless they repent of her deeds” (Rev. 2:22).

3– Financial troubles ARE coming. “For on account of a harlot {one is reduced} to a loaf of bread, and an
93 13. Restoration Process
adulteress hunts for the precious life” (Prov. 6:26). 4– The girlfriend will cease to be sweet! “For the lips of an
adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as
a two-edged sword” (Prov. 5:3–4). When all this hits and it will hit, your husband will be seeking a place of
refuge. If your husband no longer sees the contentious woman, but now sees a “gentle and quiet” woman, then
where else would he want to go but back to you?
QUESTION: You mentioned several times that the first step towards reconciliation is to let go. How can I let
go and continue to restore my marriage? If I let go, I will just forget about him and go on with my life. Could
you explain this to me?

ANSWER: Everything we do MUST be in accordance with Scripture. I wrote about “letting go“ a week or so
ago and shared the following verses: “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor STAND IN THE WAY of sinners . . .! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he
meditates day and night” (Ps. 1:1–2). “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, LET HIM LEAVE; the brother or the
sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace ” ( 1 Cor. 7:15).

We STRONGLY BELIEVE that the husband (or wife) should know that he is FREE to go—no strings attached! The
father in the parable of the prodigal son displayed this “letting go.” God’s ways are usually the opposite of the
world’s ways. For example, we “believe what we don’t see” and “we give when we need to receive.”
QUESTION: I’m so hurt by the lying, betrayal, dishonor, disrespect that my husband has shown to me. I’m
not sure if he has another woman, or if it’s just a “Can’t leave Father and Mother, and cleave to me as wife”
problem. I pray for God to change me. I have been so angry, out of control because of all that my husband has
done against our 24-year marriage and me. I believe that the Lord may have taken my husband out of my life
because I put him first, over the Lord! I cannot have children and we don’t have any.

ANSWER: All I can say is that God cannot and will not move in your life or give you peace until you
forgive. This is where your anger is rooted. “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything
against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. But if you do
not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions” (Mark 11:25–26). If you
sincerely want God’s best for your life, ask the Lord to break you. Without brokenness, you haven’t got a
prayer for restoration.
QUESTION: Husband filed for legal separation, lives with his parents. Husband is in our home almost every
day. He wants to be best friends (walls are up) and says to ask for anything we need. He provides our home
and pays most bills. I only ask for help with the kids or things around home. His comments relay his
unwillingness. I keep quiet or agree and wait. God wants me to trust and rely on Him, but I am confused if I
should continue to ask husband for help or not. I was the contentious woman and very independent.

ANSWER: Probably not; I would certainly wait a while. Why not ask the Lord to have your husband ask you
if you need specific help and then say “thank you.” If he mentions again that you need to ask, humbly mention
that it seemed to make him upset so you didn’t know what to do. If he again says to ask, ask.

QUESTION: My husband is divorcing me. Whenever he contacts me, he sometimes tells me that maybe
we’ll remarry in a couple of years. This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I don’t understand. If he feels this
way, why is he going through with a divorce? Why not just try to get back together now?

ANSWER: My husband said basically the same thing. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The mind of man plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps. Also, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD”
94 Questions & Answers
(Prov. 16:33). We may say we believe that GOD IS IN CONTROL; however, we allow thoughts about the
“will of man” to cloud the power of God’s sovereignty. If you look at your situation from the world’s view,
all of it seems crazy and useless. But if you look at it from a spiritual sense, having the eyes of the Father,
then it all begins to make sense. “But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for they
are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised” (1 Cor. 2:14).
To make it through to restoration, you MUST begin to look at your situation through the eyes of faith
according to the truth in Scripture or you will continue to struggle.
QUESTION: In past questions you have spoken about your “Esther“ beauty treatment and about specific
prayers you said over your husband about rekindling his desire. Can you explain? I am slightly over-weight,
but attractive and wear my clothes and hair stylishly. I lost a lot of weight about two years ago thinking this
would solve all my problems; it didn’t. Now I am really having a hard time putting effort in that area. I would
appreciate any insight.

ANSWER: Weight loss is a sign of brokenness. I often ask about weight loss to see if the person is in the
position for God to move. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God,
Thou wilt not despise” (Ps. 51:17). Loosing weight or making ourselves attractive to our husbands, in and of
itself, is of little help if our hearts have not been circumcised and broken. “Circumcise then your heart, and
stiffen your neck no more” (Deut. 10:16). “Moreover the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the
heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, in order that
you may live” (Deut. 30:6).

Your marriage cannot move in the right direction if your husband is still “slightly angry.” There can be NO
strife at all when you deal with your husband. Total and complete “agreement” is the only way. But it must
stem from the heart, because strife is a spiritual condition that evil feeds off of. “. . . for you are still fleshly.
For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere
men?” (1 Cor. 3:3). Ask the Lord to break you now. Don’t wait until the Lord has to allow a divorce to go
through.

IQUESTION:
have a question that is plaguing me. I’ve never seen it addressed on your Q&A page, or even
in your book (which I read over and over hoping to come across something on this). I’m hoping you can shed
some light on WHY my husband keeps bouncing back and forth between me and other OW. He left our home
because of my contentiousness, and immediately took up with the OW. He came back to our home for about a
month, but left again and went right back to her. Came home again, left again for OW. We are, again,
speaking every day by telephone (PRAISE GOD!!!), but God forgive me, there is this FEAR that, again, the
same thing will happen.
ANSWER: I can tell from your question that you do not have the “Be Encouraged!” series. Most of my
personal testimony is thread throughout the series and in the series I share that my husband did the very same
thing. When he left it was quite painful, but never puzzling to me since the Lord showed me this was a
spiritual battle, that the cords of his sins held my husband and that God was turning his heart.
In your situation, the Lord is turning your husband’s heart, and your change from a contentious woman has
helped make him want to come home. But, the cords of the adulteress woman are still pulling him; it is a
strong hold. Since you have not known why your husband has been “bouncing back and forth,” you
inadvertently have allowed fear to motivate you. God is in control. As you change, you fast, you treat him
with understanding and love, your husband—in spite of his sin—will win out. We truly perish for a lack of
knowledge. Leaning on our own understanding causes us to fall into fear and doing things our own way

instead of trusting the Lord completely. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). “Trust
in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5).
95 13. Restoration Process

QUESTION: A divorce has been filed. My husband has separated and filed for divorce. We still keep in
touch. One time he tells me that there is no way we will get back together; the next time he tells me that we
can divorce then remarry in the future. I know he’s hurt and confused. I don’t know what to do.

ANSWER: This is a GOOD sign! What it means is that his head (his reasoning) is telling him to “move on”
but his heart is telling him that he wants you. This is what you need to do: allow the Lord to transform you
into the woman that you have always wanted to be!! The more you do, the more his reasoning will line up
with his heart. This is EXACTLY what happened with my husband and me. When he did finally go to court to
divorce me, it was against his reasoning and his heart’s feelings. Most men just don’t go through with it;
however, God allowed it in my case because of the call that He had on my life. IMMEDIATELY, after the
divorce he did regret it and the rest is history!

QUESTION: I’m not quite sure about something. When we first separated I did everything wrong but was
never tempted to quit. I read your book and became focused. I ordered the videos and until I got them was
constantly tempted to call it quits and I cried out for help. A peace came over me and continues since I viewed
the tapes. Was my faith weak at this time or could it be the enemy trying to feed me doubts since I ordered the
material to get wisdom?

ANSWER: Before you had the TRUTH the devil saw you as “easy prey!” He could easily get you to believe
his lies, which made you want to give up on what the Lord had put into your heart. Now with the truth sown
in your heart, Satan knows that this type of attack won’t work any more. He will certainly try something new,
but with God’s truth in hand; it will be very difficult for him to sway you.
QUESTION: My husband has and lives with someone new. He behaves as if I don’t exist. I see him rarely
and he speaks to me as with the kindness you would a stranger when I do see him. He no longer mentions
divorce, but says he’s happy now. I continue to study and pray. What more can I do? I have applied all the
teachings from your books but still no breakthrough.
ANSWER: WAIT. It took me two years of following God’s Word for Him to complete my restoration. But
you will not see restoration if you don’t REJOICE AND THANK GOD for what He has already done (i.e. “he
no longer mentions divorce!”). So many women who are waiting for their husbands to come around only see
that their husband is not home or that he is not acting in a way they think he should (“He behaves as if I don’t
exist. I see him rarely, he speaks to me as with the kindness you would a stranger when I do see him.”). I see
so much you should be rejoicing in from what you have told me. 1– (Already mentioned before) No divorce
papers!! “He no longer mentions divorce!” 2– Kindness. Even kindness as if you were a stranger, is a hundred
times better than anger vented your way. 3– The fact that you DO SEE Him, even occasionally. Many women
would give their right arm to see their husbands!

Numbers 14:27 says, “How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have
heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me.” Those that wandered in the
wilderness murmured and complained about what they didn’t have. God usually gave them what they wanted,
but His anger was kindled against them so that they NEVER went into the Promised Land! Exchange your
complaints, doubts and questions for praise, thanksgiving and rejoicing! Philippians 4:4 says, “Rejoice in the
Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” Then see what the Lord will do!
QUESTION: For over a year our marriage has gone downhill. I have noticed for the past few weeks my
husband has seemed VERY discontent, anxious, trying to get away by not coming home. I have continued to
pray and study. Last night he wanted to talk, said he can’t continue to live like this. I had listened and read
enough, so I knew I had to let him leave. I tried to be the gentle and quiet woman. The “D” word has not been
96 Questions & Answers
mentioned. He will live with his dad who wasn’t an example of a good husband. Where am I at here?
ANSWER: You are just where God wants both of you. You are on a journey with the Lord, and even though
it is painful and can be a bit fearful, this will be a time that you will be forever grateful for. If you can stay
gentle and quiet, which means no questions whether they be for curiosity’s sake or questioning your husband
to see what he wants you to do, then it may be that a separation never occurs. However, it may be that the
Lord just wants to get you alone to transform you. The more you get into the Word and separate yourself from
your normal lifestyle (family, friends, entertainment and other things that keep your focus away from the
dealings of the Lord), the faster your transformation will take place.

QUESTION: My husband is still in the home. The divorce is only a few weeks away. He is keeping the
house and children; I am not fighting him at all. Can my marriage still be restored even though he is keeping
everything? He doesn’t believe the Scriptures at all. He says I am more like a sister to him. That is the only
type of love he has for me.
ANSWER: Of course it can be restored, especially because you are not fighting. I hope, however, that you
are praying that the divorce won’t go through, but if it does, that he will give you the house and the children.
It is not just about keeping peace and not fighting, but in doing the will of our Father, that He may be
glorified. Even though we are not to fight in the flesh, as Christians, we are to fight in the Spirit. It’s not your
husband whom you are to please, but the Lord. It is not your husband who you fight, but the one who comes
to steal, kill and destroy. It brings God no glory to hand all that we have on a silver platter to the devil. We
are, however, to hand it to the Lord on a gold platter.

This may not be what you are saying, but I wanted to be clear not only for you but for others who read this
column. If you are fighting in the Spirit and have died to flesh allowing your husband to take what he wants
KNOWING that God will restore, then you are DEFINITELY on the right NARROW road, which WILL
bring victory and restoration.
QUESTION: My divorce will be final very soon. My husband is dedicated to his career and works an
average of 80-90 hours a week. I did not always react to his working all the time in an appropriate manner. I
have repented and he admits I’ve changed. The wall of hate is down between us. We speak once a week just
to say hello. Yet, he is still going through with the divorce. He wants to be alone so he can dedicate himself to
his career without distraction. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Can this marriage still be saved?

ANSWER: Yes! God is more than able to stop the divorce BEFORE it goes through. Keep doing what you
have been doing. And also listen to what he is saying. If he wants time alone, so he can dedicate himself to his
career WITHOUT DISTRACTION, say that you perfectly understand. You mentioned about speaking to each
other once a week, I hope you are not calling him. When you do talk, make it a point to be brief. Also, if you
keep yourself busy then he will soon see that it is safe at home. Obviously, he felt pressured that you were
waiting for him to stop working so much. Pray that he will get tired and bored with work: that he will desire
companionship—your companionship!

QUESTION: Husband left 6 months ago to live with OW and her teens. Phoned for business three times but
that was months ago. He hangs up when personal. He phoned 3 days ago and apologized for how he hurt me
but would do it again cause he is happy, said I am a good woman but not for him. He said he wants someone
to love his small children he is trying to get from his ex and I was not good enough mother. Said I was always
good with “other” kids and he “loves” me but wants a divorce. I gave him money for January child support he
didn’t have. He said I encouraged him (God’s love). What’s happening?
ANSWER: I guess a lot of confusion. Make sure you listen to all that your husband says so you can
97 13. Restoration Process
determine how to pray and what changes need to be made. Have you asked the Lord to reveal to you what you
did that made your husband unhappy? Have you prayed and asked God to change these things in you? Have
you prayed that God would to erase the memories he has of you “not being a good Mom?” Have you
confessed, and agreed with him about this when the subject is brought up? Most of this is in the restoration
material (books and videos). Make sure you are following what they say. This stuff isn’t just head knowledge;
it is to “walk out.”
QUESTION: My husband left me for another almost a year ago. He said that he loves me but there is
something missing. We work for the same company but in different states. Due to work we are in constant
contact. I feel that this keeps him from missing our family and me. There are not many jobs here where I live
to choose from. I like my job and I have worked hard to get where I am in it. Do I need to give it up so he will
have time to miss me? I pray for my marriage on every breath.

ANSWER: I don’t know if the Lord is asking you to give up your job or if it is your desire to do it in the
flesh. If it is the Lord, then you must decide which is more important to you, your marriage or your job. I
know of a woman (a major corporate executive) who believed that God was calling her to “walk away” from
her position; and when she did, the Lord blessed her tremendously. Don’t try to do something to get your
husband to miss you. Only God can turn his heart. Manipulation is a popular past time with most women.
Once you trust the Lord and give the whole situation to Him, you will experience a peace like you have never
felt before. I know from experience!

QUESTION: I ordered your books last night but I need help now, quickly. My ex is going for a job interview
in the next town where I will have to move to attend college. I want to pray for success and prosperity on him.
What Bible verses can I claim for this? What can I pray over him for success? I can’t find a praise report or
restored marriage story on your site that fits my circumstances to draw hope from. He actually is thrilled with
my decision to go back to college, mostly because I would be able to get a good job to help with the expenses
of schooling the kids from now through their college careers.
ANSWER: I want to first assure you that God has everything under control. There are not really specific
prayers other than just praying for success and prosperity. However, if your husband is involved with another
woman, he is in adultery. And God tells us that those in adultery will come to financial ruin. To pray against
God’s principles is never a good idea. The consequences of sin were put in place in order to discourage sin. It
is disheartening to read that you find no encouragement in the testimonies because none are enough like your
situation. However, after reading about your situation, I see that your situation is very similar. When I was
seeking restoration for my marriage, I never heard of ONE restored marriage, NOT ONE! So I always feel a
bit hurt when I hear someone say that in ALL those testimonies, God has not given them ENOUGH—very
sad!!

I am glad that your husband is delighted with your decision about going back to college, but as far as
restoration goes, it is not conducive to restoration. You will understand this more when you read, “The Ways
of Your Household” and “Helper Suitable” in A Wise Woman workbook. What is important is that we delight
ourselves in pleasing the Lord. Your life needs to line up with God’s Word, and then God will faithfully
deliver your husband and put a new love in his heart for you. Lastly, I want to encourage you to be careful
about your urgency. Wait on the Lord. God is never in a hurry. This is an important principle to understand
and will keep you from making many mistakes. Urgency is from the adversary. Stay in peace.

QUESTION: Erin, how do I pray for this? My husband recently brought the OW to our church to see our son
perform in a play after previously telling me he would never bring her to anything significant in our son’s life.
Now he wants her to pick up our son at our home to stay with her while he works. What really hurts is how
much time is spent between her and our son; he talks about her often. I have prayed for deliverance from this
98 Questions & Answers
as well as attempting a three day fast. Help!
ANSWER: Continue on with your fast, if you can, go for seven days. A seven day fast represents completion.
The enemy is desperately trying to destroy; therefore, you must be close to restoration. Don’t take it; fight
back in the Spirit. Do this in prayer, wailing before the Lord on your son‘s behalf and also by expressing love
and kindness towards your husband. Make sure that you pray for the OW as the Bible commands us to “pray
for your enemies.” Near the end these kinds of attacks become blatant. But don’t take it lying down: pray,
pray and pray . . . victory must be near!
QUESTION: My husband left me in the beginning of June for another woman. I got your book and applied it
to my life and yes my husband is back home. He came home for a week and left again for a week then
returned and has been here over two weeks. However in that time he has still been seeing the other woman.
He always tells me the truth and has never hid anything from me from the beginning. But yesterday he lied to
me about seeing her. I want to believe but I think he is still lying to me. Honesty is the one thing we always
had and now that is being taken away, too. The other woman is very persuasive and wants him back and keeps
calling him. She won’t let it go. I am so grateful that he is home, but now all this is happening and on top of it
all he can’t seem to let go and love me. He keeps me at a very long distance. How do I handle this?
ANSWER: Continue to do what you did that brought him home. The cords of sin are still there and the
enemy is trying to tighten them. However, if you go back to your old ways, then he will be taken out of the
home again and things will be much worse. Now is the time to BELIEVE him, even if in your heart you
suspect or even KNOW that it is not true. Remember that part in the book??? Go and read it through again
and ask the Lord to illuminate what you need to do right now. Certainly loving your husband by TRUSTING
him and by UNDERSTANDING his plight, above your own, will help solidify his being with you and destroy
the relationship with the other woman. YOU MUST BE ON HIS SIDE. If this apparent new aspect of lying
divides you, you have lost. Ask his forgiveness and tell him that you understand and are on his side. Tell him
how hard it must be for him to have someone who doesn’t want to let go and thank him for wanting and trying
to do the right thing.
QUESTION: My husband has been away from home for 2 1/2 yrs. I received your book How God Can and
Will Restore Your Marriage approx. two years ago. I also have just recently received A Wise Woman
workbook, and have begun to read and work through it. I have done things in the past thinking that I could do
it myself that have gone against what your books tell me. I want more than anything to have my family
restored. Is it ever too late? What about the times that you just feel BLAH with all of this? Will he really start
to see me in a different light? And how do you pray for the other woman? I live in the Kansas City, Kansas
area. Are there any classes near? Sometimes I just need to hear a voice from someone who has been there and
believes in what I am doing.
ANSWER: It’s too bad that you are just now getting the A Wise Woman. The women’s workbook contains all
the wisdom the Lord gave me that really helped me prepare my home for my husband’s return. No, it is never
too late for restoration. However, you will have to really renew your mind from the way that you have been
thinking. What is in the books, that you say that you have gone against, is all God’s Word. It’s not about
following what I say but what God says.

I appreciate your kind heart and have prayed that the Lord will give you a new awakening and exuberance for
Him and for your restoration. I would also like to encourage you to pray about joining our Restoration
Fellowship. Since you are now going through the workbook and have already read the restoration book, you
are now qualified to join. However, before you do make sure that you are fixed in what you believe and what
we believe. It is so very important that you be “like-minded” with your epartner so you will really be able to
encourage one another.
99 13. Restoration Process

QUESTION: Dear Erin, Thank you so much for allowing the Lord to use you to write the books and give the
help concerning marriage restoration. My marriage situation has been going on since 1998. When my pastor
husband left home with a woman in the church. Stayed gone 6 months and came home a very broken man. He
stayed home for a year and a half and things went sour again. Looking back after reading your books I see a
lot of mistakes I have made along the way. Since that time he decided to divorce me and has gotten back
involved with the other woman. But he keeps coming back around. Three times he has left and come back this
last time he decided he didn’t want our relationship and stayed gone for 8 months with very little contact.

One night he showed up at a restaurant where I was eating with some girl friends. He came on again like he
really wanted to have our relationship back. But then two weeks later he says he just wants to be friends and
that I should find someone else. He tells me that he still loves me, but does not ever want to be married again.
There are a lot of psychological issues going on with him to include rejection from the church. I am
maintaining the friendship and trying very hard to adhere to what you teach in your books and from the Bible.
Can you give me some advice as to what to do to keep him from running away again? I really need your help.
ANSWER: It is very clear that your husband’s heart is to want to come home, but equally clear that he is
being held with the cords of his sin. How much fasting have you done in order to “break the cords“ that have
him bound? Also, LOVE is one of the most powerful and guaranteed powers over evil. When he was home or
is around, are you able to show him powerful unconditional love? It is in your attitude, the way you look at
him, the way you respond to him. When your actions and reactions show that kind of unconditional love
“loving the unlovable and unkind, or the sinner“ then he will be drawn to you. Judgmental or critical actions
and reactions do the opposite and help to solidify and strengthen the cords of his sin, as well as turning his
heart cold. Do not worry about any psychological issues or any other rejection he may be experiencing. All
that matters and all that is needed is you, your praying and fasting, and your unconditional love.

QUESTION: The OW had the baby. He is now spending most of his time out of the home. I am on a
prolonged fast. I want God to show me how this is working out for my good. I want him to show me trouble
in paradise. How do I pray without taking another father (my husband) from an innocent child? We have two
teenagers.
ANSWER: Your answer is found in these examples, which the Lord gave to us: “Now Sarah saw the son of
Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Abraham, mocking. Therefore she said to Abraham, ‘Drive out
this maid and her son, for the son of this maid shall not be an heir with my son Isaac.’ And the matter
distressed Abraham greatly because of his son. But God said to Abraham, ‘Do not be distressed because of the
lad and your maid; whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her, for through Isaac your descendants shall be named.
And of the son of the maid I will make a nation also, because he is your descendant.’ So Abraham rose early
in the morning, and took bread and a skin of water, and gave them to Hagar, putting them on her shoulder, and
gave her the boy, and sent her away. And she departed, and wandered about in the wilderness of Beersheba.
And the water in the skin was used up, and she left the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat
down opposite him, about a bowshot away, for she said, ‘Do not let me see the boy die.’ And she sat opposite
him, and lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the lad crying; and the angel of God called to Hagar
from heaven, and said to her, ‘What is the matter with you, Hagar? Do not fear, for God has heard the voice of
the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him by the hand; for I will make a great nation of him’”
(Gen. 21:9–18).
God was the one who told Abraham to send his son away because of the son of promise and because of Sarah.
God protected the son sent away. Sin is devastating and effects MANY innocent people. However, we MUST
remember God is a holy God and cannot bless sin, no matter what. Pray that your husband comes home and
that God will protect the child born.
100 Questions & Answers

IQUESTION:
am the one who left the home for another man. Since then, God has gotten a hold of me and
humbled me and turned me around. I would so much like to return to my home and children but my husband
is not willing, and is involved in another relationship. My question is: are there different principles that I
should be following to restore my marriage? I believe for my restoration as directed in your books, but should
I be approaching it differently since I am not in the home?
ANSWER: No. The principles do apply in your situation. Just recently a woman who was in the same
situation applied the principles to the letter, with more fervency than most, and now she is back with her
husband and children! Glory to God!! (This woman, too, is now restored.)

QUESTION: I purchased your book How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage about two months ago
and it has really helped me to see the mistakes I was making in my marriage and I have to say I feel I have
changed a lot. Last week I really felt that my husband and I were on the road to recovery. Now the OW is
back working in his office and now he doesn’t seem to mind, though he had before. And he is pulling away.
ANSWER: The rug is not out from under you; your refining fire was just turned up. Start praying
SPECIFICALLY that the Lord will take the OW out of your husband’s office and unit. Secondly, you must
REALLY cool your enthusiasm about your marriage for a time. The temptation is there now, so to take a step
back (not pull back) until he seems interested again. Use this time to really build your relationship with the
Lord. Your restoration is still going very well; take that from someone who knows!!!!

QUESTION: I have been praying against the OW for 2 1/2 years. The divorce date is coming up and there is
a wedding announcement and date set for them to marry. My children are very close to the OW. Help!
ANSWER: This is very serious. It seems from what you have shared that the wedding announcement along
with the final date, that quite easily your husband could jump into another marriage. Has your husband seen a
complete change in you? Are you close? Is he sure he was not being pursued? Have you shown kindness and
love that will begin to draw him back? If this were the case, then I would rest in the Lord that He would be
faithful; though the closeness of your children with the OW is still a very serious sign.

However, too often the one believing for restoration has not taken the time to fall in love with the Lord. So the
Love of the Lord, which is the drawing card to the one who has left, is not there. Your husband should, at this
point, have his heart with you, with only the cords of his sin holding him back and pulling him toward the
marriage. If this is the case, the marriage won’t go through. But if there is still tension and you are
uncomfortable with each other, your husband will most likely move on with the marriage. If this is the case, I
would advise a LONG term fast. If you are really serious, do it! Also, stop all social stuff so you can spend
every waking moment in prayer. It is not too late for the Lord right now. This is a spiritual war and if you
fight it intensely in the spirit, you still can have the victory! I will pray.
QUESTION: My husband and I have been separated for almost four years and he has no interest in me either.
In the book, it says to apologize for being the contentious woman, but since he doesn’t call me, I haven’t been
able to apologize. I have asked God to give me a sign that he does care, I have asked this many times and I get
no sign whatsoever! I have even asked what else I need to do in order for God to allow him to call or show
that he cares. But I get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. My husband has to know that something different is
happening, I’m not calling him giving him a hard time for things that he knows he SHOULD be doing that he
PROMISED to do. I get discouraged instead of encouraged when I hear success stories, because I’m doing
everything I know to live according to God’s word.
ANSWER: To answer your question let me begin with attitude. I sense through your writing that you feel like
101 13. Restoration Process
“I’ve done it all, now God owes me.” A broken and a contrite heart does not sound quite like this. Even if
your husband hasn’t seen you or had interest in you, once a change is made that GOD sees, then He will
arrange for your husband to make contact. I have seen it happen hundreds and hundreds of times. Don’t
underestimate the power of God to set up a reason for your husband to see you or run into you; it happens
everyday! If you haven’t seen or heard from him there is only one reason—you’re not ready. You must be
sure that you are ready since it usually takes only one look for a husband to see if he WANTS to keep contact
or if he would rather disappear again.
Another concern I have, which I must admit really hurt my heart, is that you get discouraged when you hear
of successes stories (or praise reports) of others whose marriages have been restored. Wow! I have met some
other women like this, but I still can’t relate. At one point, it seemed like EVERYONE’S marriage was being
restored yet mine was getting worse—AND I WAS THE TEACHER!!! But I still cried for joy and went crazy
as if it were MY marriage being restored. Never was there a thought like “why not me?” I believe this is a
major heart issue—nothing else.
QUESTION: After your husband left you and you were trying to restore your marriage, did you fast and pray
or did you just leave the whole thing in the Lord‘s hands? I have a lot of prayer going out for my husband and
marriage.

ANSWER: The last chapter of the Restore Your Marriage book is all about praying and standing in the gap
for our husbands. Chapter 16 is about prayer and fasting. I am surprised that your missed it! As far as asking
many others to pray for you, only do it if you KNOW that they are in AGREEMENT with you. I was a part of
a prayer group who, while “thinking they were helping,” prayed for me to find someone new! This is
dangerous. Also, if you sharing your prayer requests would shame your husband, then you must be extremely
discreet. And yes, I did fast regularly: one day, one day, and right at the end, a seven day fast.
QUESTION: My husband just dropped the divorce. Now I am praying for my husband to repent of his sins,
give up his girlfriend, and come home. Is there anything else I should do?
ANSWER: We join you in your prayers. Just be sure that you’re ready for his return. Many women are
“believing” the same thing; however, most women neglect to make the changes that the Lord wants to make
in them. God knows that if the things that led up to these crises have not been dealt with, they will only result
in another marriage crisis. Make sure your house is now built on The Rock of Jesus Christ. A Wise Woman
workbook will be a great help to you as you prepare for your husband’s return. I hope that you not only
confess and believe that your marriage will be restored, but that you are working out your own salvation with
fear and trembling! (Phil. 2:12).

QUESTION: My husband’s girlfriend keeps paging me. I do pray for her, but she pages me several times a
day with 666. These numbers at one time in my life would have bothered me, but now I’m covered by the
blood of Jesus and walking with him, these numbers don’t bother me. I just pray for her salvation. She does
go all over singing Christian music. Should I be praying for her in some other way? I know I could change my
pager number, but I hate to do that because I have had the same number for seven years and it’s a business
related pager. I feel as long as she is paging me I need to keep praying for her. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
ANSWER: This is certainly an attack of the enemy and you seem to be stronger because of it. God says He
causes all things to work together for our good. Use this attack as a reminder to pray: 1– For her coming into
the Kingdom (Who knows but God where she is spiritually? It certainly doesn’t look good though.). 2– Pray
that God would “bless her” as it says in Luke 6:27–28, “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do
good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” 3– Pray the hedge
of thorns around her. It took my praying the hedge around the OW for my husband to lose interest in her.
102 Questions & Answers
Either the enemy will stop sending pages because he doesn’t want you to pray for her or she will find herself
coming to or back to the Lord.
QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. I have told my husband he is free to go and that I will not stand
in his way whenever he brings up divorce. My comments seem to make him more furious. Lately, he has
started talking to the OW in front of me on his cell phone. Then when I don’t make any comment on the
conversations, he starts in on me? What do I do and do you have any idea what is happening?
ANSWER: What’s happening is front line spiritual warfare. Many women become deceived at this time and
try to please their husbands instead of pleasing the Lord. Continue to “Delight yourself in the LORD; and He
will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4). Victory is probably quite close.

QUESTION: Soon I will be moving out of my home at my husband’s request. As you know I have been
praying and waiting on the Lord. He has answered prayer by changing my husband’s heart from being ready
to end our marriage to giving it some time and space before making any drastic decisions. Now I am faced
with moving in with friends or finding my own place. I don’t want to get too comfortable either way. I’m not
sure where to go at this point.

ANSWER: Ask the Lord to open or shut doors for you. Staying with friends creates a temporary situation,
which is good. However, whenever you live with someone else, it sometimes inhibits restoration since your
husband may not feel comfortable calling or coming by. So again, ask the Lord to direct you CLEARLY by
opening and shutting doors. This is one of my favorite verses that I used and still use today if I am in doubt.
“And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, this is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right
hand, and when ye turn to the left” (Is. 30:21, KJV).
QUESTION: My husband and I have worked together for 17 years. Married for 29 years. I’m back in the
office. My husband treats me well in the office. We are business-like only. He still lives with the other
woman. Is it ok that I am in the office? Do I make any moves to show I want him back?

ANSWER: It’s more than okay that you’re back working with him in the office—PRAISE THE LORD!!!
Continue to be business-like as long as is it is pleasant. Show your husband the same respect that you would if
he had just come home; however, do not make any emotional or physical moves. God has you in a wonderful
position to show your husband the “new woman.” He has placed you back in the office so that when it’s time,
your husband will make the first move—then RESPOND!!! So often women misunderstand the principle of
“not pursuing“ to also mean “not responding.” If he smiles, smile. If he touches your hand, respond with a
smile, a squeeze of his hand. If he tells you anything, respond with eye contact and loving eyes. It is important
that your RESPONSES tell him you are interested. Just make sure you don’t get ahead of him. As for now,
just be sure you are pleasant and respectful. And please don’t let any business discussions get into a debate or
an argument—bite your tongue, smile, and say “fine, or great, or sounds good!”
QUESTION: I am blessed with the opportunity to see my husband several times a week as we take turns
living in our home to share child-rearing responsibilities. The Lord has made huge changes in me and I know
my husband can see them but I think he finds this threatening. My question is this: how can I tell when I am
doing something to please the Lord rather than to please my husband? I offered to make him a meal because I
felt that was the kind thing to do, but he got very offended and told me that he knew how to cook. I truly was
just trying to live as the helpmate God has led me to be and I don’t think I was getting into works. I know by
now that only God can turn my husband’s heart back to me (and not the simple gesture of my bad cooking). I
wanted to please the Lord but I am confused.
ANSWER: You cannot try to be his helpmeet now; you have been replaced—like it or not. Don’t offer to
103 13. Restoration Process
care for him unless you want hate walls to go up. Men feel they need to take the lead. If he asks, agree, but
don’t offer. Pleasing the Lord, right now, is keeping your eyes on Him alone. This will cause you to not notice
your husband’s needs. You are in a way pursuing, which is dangerous. Wait until he asks for your help.
QUESTION: I am presently: married but separated. My spouse is in adultery. God is changing me since I got
your materials although I still have a long way to go. How can I tell if the anger and hate walls are down since
I haven’t seen my husband for almost a year. He seems to be having a good time in and out of several
relationships and is nine hours drive away. He emailed me twice when he needed something but cut off once
he got what he wanted. He complained to others that I don’t get in touch with him but whenever I did he was
angry and mean. I stopped pursuing him.
ANSWER: It sounds like the hate wall is still up. God may be pulling it down now that you aren’t getting in
touch with him anymore and are no longer pursuing. There is no way that your husband is happy—sin is only
pleasurable
The mouth for a season. Don’t speak or think that which is contrary to God’s Word! The truth is: “
of an adulteress is a deep pit; He who is cursed of the LORD will fall into it” (Prov. 22:14). “For a harlot is a
deep pit, and an adulterous woman is a narrow well”(Prov. 23:27).

I am sure that the devil is very pleased that he has not only deceived your husband into thinking that his
happiness is found in adultery—but he’s also deceived you! So many women just drive me CRAZY when they say
that their husbands are happy in adultery! Some even go so far as to say that they are learning to live with it
because they only want their husband’s happiness!! Help!!! It’s nothing but the devil deceiving the wife so she’ll
stop praying for restoration! If you haven’t seen your husband, then, I assume, neither have your
children.
A year is a LONG time. Seek God diligently for Him to do whatever it takes to transform you. Once He has,
you will be a new woman in Him; then He ALWAYS arranges a get-together to show off His new creation.
It’s very dangerous when the restoration process stalls. The way you phrased your question does concern me.
More should be happening. Do you have a way to look back and check your responses to your husband’s
emails? Was everything in order? Was there complaining, sarcasm, worry or was it confrontational. Only God
knowsand
“Ask, what is going
it shall be wrong.
given toPlease
you; seek Him. He is faithful when we ask.
seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you” (Matt. 7:7). “But if any of you lacks wisdom,
let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James
1:5).

QUESTION:
My younger daughter and I had planned to fly to another state to see my parents for
Christmas—it’s the only time during the year that we get to see them. Is the fact that we aren’t getting
together as a family going to hinder my marriage being restored?
ANSWER: Time with family. It is more difficult when the children are no longer at home. But if it is your
desire to restore your family, you must pray that God will help to pull it together. If it is only during the
holidays that you get together, and you are planning to be away, it doesn’t look like your husband has much of
a reason to come back. I remember vividly my unwillingness to go to the altar when the pastor called
everyone to come forward who wanted to enter into the Promised Land. I was the only one who sat in my
seat. My friend tried to encourage me, but I refused. I was not about to “even symbolically” go anywhere
without my husband. God saw my heart. Where is your heart for your husband? Have you laid down your life
for your friend?
 14
|
The Spouse at Home
‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give
you a future and a hope . . .I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all
the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I
sent you into exile.’
—Jeremiah 29:11

QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. The problem is I see him during the day but he never comes
home during the night. He comes home in the early morning hours. I have a restored marriage but not healed.
I am praying for his salvation and for him to be the husband and father that God has called him to be. I am
leading a marriage help group and I was doing fine until recently. I have been struggling with the staying out
all night. I have prayed, cried out to God, read healing books—please help!

ANSWER: If your husband is aware of your super strong commitment to your marriage, (I’m sure he knows
you lead a group to help others) there is a very good possibility that he is trying to keep the balance in your
family (in his mind) by staying sinful.

This is the mistake I made when my husband came back home. I kept leading my class and my husband got
much WORSE. Just recently, as my husband and I were talking it through, I came to realize my mistake.
Those who dropped out of the class or leadership when their husbands returned did not experience this
problem. All of us who continued with the classes did. Now we have made it a policy that everyone whose
marriage is restored, stop teaching or attending a restoration class for at least a year. The couple needs time to
let their “new marriage” grow and blossom. Deuteronomy 24:5 says, “When a man takes a new wife, he shall
not go out with the army, nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give
happiness to his wife whom he has taken.”
QUESTION: [State: Georgia. Present Marital Status: married My spouse is in adultery.] My husband has had
an affair for six years. He recently moved into the guest bedroom. I’ve begun doing (or not doing) those
things recommended in your books. Before reading your books I asked my husband to leave because of the
affair. I praise God he didn’t and that I have found your ministry. What are some ways I can show him
honor/respect without pursuing? I still cook, clean and do laundry. I have ceased all questioning and stay
mostly in a response mode of communication. Also, our anniversary is this weekend . . . should I
acknowledge this in any way? I have just recently stopped going to church regularly based on your books (my
husband does not attend). Also, I’m not sure my husband is a Christian. We had both been divorced for 10
years before we met. I was not aware of one of his previous marriages. We were not Christians at the time of
our other marriages.
ANSWER: Please try to refer to your husband’s situation as adultery rather than affair. Though this might not
hurt you to hear it called in essence “a party” it does hurt me when I deal with the destruction and pain this sin
causes so many. On a lighter note, praise the Lord that your husband is still in the home! Your repentance
along with your clear attitude of repentance will do a lot to turn things around. Your husband probably is not a
Christian. The best way to handle it is to assume he is not; thus, his salvation is at stake, which makes the
devil‘s stakes higher and the battle becomes fiercer.
105 14. Spouse at Home

Since he is still in the home and has not filed for divorce, you do not have to be as concerned about not
pursuing as someone whose husband has left, has not contacted her, or who has filed for divorce. Honor is
good, but a man does respond to love and affection. Ask the Lord for opportunities to show him affection.
Begin with the way you talk to him, what you say to him. Then begin with small touches on the hand, arm, or
back. You are still married therefore these verses apply:

“But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. Let the husband fulfill
his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband {does}; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but
the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to
prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:2–5).
Also, 1 Peter 3:1–6 tells us that we are to TRY and WIN our husbands back when they are being disobedient
“In the same
to God’s word.way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any {of
them} are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they
observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external braiding the
hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the
imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in
former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their
own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do
what is right without being frightened by any fear.”

Our attitude of love and respect takes highest priority, but your adornment is also important. Make sure that you
look “good” to your husband. My husband likes me to wear make-up, shorter hair and elegant clothing. My friend’s
husband likes her with no make-up, hair long and not pulled up, with jeans and Birkenstocks. You know what your
husband likes, but again, what is inside, the gentle and quiet spirit is most important. Make sure that you are
JOYFUL. You will find that in the Lord! “. . . Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength” (Neh. 8:10).
You have an advantage that most women who come to Restore Ministries do not have—a husband who is still
home! Make good use of this opportunity. Don’t fear that you are doing the wrong thing all the time. Live by the
grace of God. People can sense when someone is trying to walk on eggshells, or trying to follow the law. Your
situation is not really critical, but it is serious. Treat it that
way. May the Lord be with you.
QUESTION: [Current Marital Status: married.] My marriage has been restored, but I still suspect that my
spouse is involved with his OW, is this normal? I just thought that, she and that part of his life would be
OVER. My definition of a restored marriage is when the husband is home, and he is NOT involved with any
other woman; but is completely and solely committed to his wife and the marriage.
ANSWER: If your husband is back home, PRAISE THE LORD, but if he is still emotionally or physically
involved with the OW, you are NOT restored—yet. Continue to walk in obedience and allow the Lord to
finish what He has started. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will
perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6). The restoration testimonies you will find posted on our
website are those that include husbands (or wives) who are completely faithful to their spouses after
restoration. Do not settle for less. Keep doing what you have been doing and let God finish the restoration.
QUESTION: My husband is still in the home. I go to your website daily, but I don’t see you addressing
issues, in depth, of my spouse being in adultery AND STILL living in the home. How can the situation turn
around without a “crisis.” I mean, when he’s with her it’s all fun-time because the real-life stuff (laundry,
106 Questions & Answers
bills, etc...which I take care of) is here with me? Wouldn’t it benefit the restoration process if he had to
experience real-life with her and then her “true colors” will begin to show?
ANSWER: I don’t address this situation as much as when the husband is gone, because proportionately, there
are ten times more husbands gone than those who are still living at home. Unfortunately, you do not
appreciate your ADVANTAGE but instead desire for a MUCH HARDER situation, out of ignorance.

I have lived both. And I, too, thought it was difficult UNTIL I tasted abandonment. You will soon be in this
situation unless you get your heart right. This impatience will push you into taking matters into your own
hands. It sounds as if you have either read “Tough Love” by James Dobson or someone is counseling you in
this way. I took the book’s advice, which resulted in my husband telling me “I don’t care if I never see your
face again!!!!” Soon he had abandoned me with four little children, packed almost all our belongings into
storage and moved us to another city over 400 miles away!
Your husband may need a “crisis,” but that is for the Lord to decide. If YOU try to bring one about, I assure
you that you will birth an Ishmael! One need only read the world news to see how “getting ahead of God” has
caused wars in the Middle East for generations. Also, if you are doing all this for your husband “laundry, bills,
etc...which I take care of” and your heart is not right, that of a servant’s heart, then it is futile and useless to
continue doing it—”but the greatest among you shall be your servant” (Matt. 23:11) since God looks at and
tests the heart. “I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his
ways, According to the results of his deeds” (Jer. 17:10).

QUESTION: What should I do when my husband sits down in the living room watching T.V. eating his
dinner instead of eating at the table with his family? I don’t want my daughters to grow up thinking this is
right when it is not. My husband had told me in the beginning of summer that he wanted a divorce. He has not
filed or anything.
ANSWER: First, praise the Lord every time he sits down to eat in YOUR living room and not in his own
apartment shared with another woman. Then, show him your unconditional love by setting up a T.V. tray with
salt and pepper and a napkin. If he is already sitting there when dinner is ready, don’t call him just serve him
there. Do NOT let the devil convince you that his behavior is going to damage your children‘s perception of
the way things “ought to be.” You can show them the unconditional love and respect you have for your
husband, their father, through your kind actions and attitude. When they are older, your daughters will show
you kindness and a respectful attitude. Be very careful not to JUDGE your husband’s actions “THINKING

Do notISjudge
THIS lestWHEN
RIGHT you be
ITjudged” (Matt.
IS NOT.” “ 7:1). “Do not complain,
brethren, against one another, that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at
the door” (James 5:9).

You have judged his actions harshly. More than likely, your husband is fighting the temptation to leave you and the
girls, file the divorce papers, and quite possibly, resist the advancements of an adulterous woman (they are
EVERYWHERE!!). “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech . . .” (Prov. 5:3).
“With her many persuasions she entices him; with her flattering lips she seduces him. Suddenly he follows her . .
.”!!!! (Prov. 7:21–22). If you continue with your bad attitude and ignore the writing on the
wall (Dan. 5:5), you will more than likely find your husband no longer sitting in front of YOUR T.V., but
with another woman in front of their T.V.! What message do you think that will teach your daughters? “The
wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1). If I were you, I
would get the girls and join him!
QUESTION: My husband has returned to the home just days ago. He has left the other woman, but told her
that he would return. He has told me that he will not be going back, that he is here to stay. He tells me he is in
107 14. Spouse at Home
love with two women. He first asked me if he could still be friends with her and then asked me if he could
have time to make the total break with her. I’ve asked God to rid him of his love for this other woman. Is this
the right thing to do? How do I get through this stage and how do I gain his love for me so there is none left
for the other woman?
ANSWER: Your husband returning home is clearly a wonderful blessing from the Lord. Accept it as a gift
and use this time wisely. You can now live the “Gentle and Quiet Spirit“ by winning him WITHOUT A
WORD and by your chaste and RESPECTFUL behavior. You mentioned that your husband said it was over,
but told her he was coming back. I can only assume that you have had or have contact with the other woman.
DON’T. You must believe what he says since love “. . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). If you keep your eyes on the Lord, letting Him continue to transform you,
then your husband will see that he only desires “the wife of his youth.” Get a hold of the “Be Encouraged!”
videos and listen to my husband share what turned his heart back to me and see what you can glean from it!
QUESTION: My husband just started acting distant from me (like he did two years ago when he was in an
admitted affair). Incidentally, he doesn’t know that I strongly suspect that he is having an affair again. He has
admitted to several deceptions and lies (plus a physical problem that he has contracted). His patterns are all
the same as when he was in his admitted affair. How to handle the dynamic of my husband living at home
while he is in an affair?

ANSWER: Keep your advantage of knowing about the adultery without your husband “knowing that you
know.” Most of us women, me especially, are without discretion. Talk to the Lord about it. DO NOT TELL
YOUR HUSBAND YOU KNOW OR SUSPECT. And please, do not LOOK into ANYTHING: drawers,
messages on recorder, where he is going. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!
QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. How do you ever get over the insecurities after an affair? I can’t
think about anything else. She’s been in my house, in his truck, around people we know with him. I’m always
looking over my shoulder. He’s trying so hard to make things up to me and I know it’s over and it’s me that
he loves. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I hurt all over all the time. What do you do to get better?
ANSWER: You must ask the Lord to give you the security that you need. If you do not welcome and
embrace the INCREDIBLE BLESSING of your husband’s repentance, “He’s trying so hard to make things up
to me,” then trust me, you will have to do it the hard way like the majority us! Most women never are graced
with a husband who wants to “make it up to them.” It took years for my husband to come to this place. Your
peace and security will come, but not if you refuse to accept your husband’s repentance. I have met women
who did not accept it and their husbands LEFT because they felt they could never be forgiven. True
forgiveness isn’t just words, it’s also actions. Your husband can still sense your pain, which will be used by
the devil to destroy your marriage.
Turn your focus to comforting your husband. This will solidify his commitment to repentance.

“Brethren,
even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness;
I would
each onesuggest
lookingyou meditatelest
to yourself, on this
you verse
too be tempted” (Gal. 6:1).
along with Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each
of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal
interests, but also for the interests of others.”
QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. My husband is pushing me to get dissolution. He has agreed to stay for
a while to “work the dissolution out” but I have not agreed to it yet. He did say that he is staying open to God
changing his mind. I have been trying to just stay quiet and show him unconditional love, but he recently told me
he wanted to go ahead and divide our things up. I’m afraid if I tell him I won’t get a
108 Questions & Answers
dissolution this will cause him to go ahead and leave. What should I do?
ANSWER: Matthew 5:25 KJV says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with
him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou
be cast into prison.” It says to agree “quickly.” Rebellion to authority is dangerous and can have catastrophic
results. You must agree and submit to your husband. You must put your trust in the Lord and fear not (I’m
afraid if I tell him I won’t get a dissolution this will cause him to go ahead and leave). By submitting to your
husband, you are applying the principles of God’s Word, which will bring about a blessing. Put all your faith
in God and His promises. Trust Him to turn your husband’s heart back to you and stop the dissolution.

QUESTION: I feel led to have a Home Fellowship. I don’t feel I should do it right away. I am not sure if I
read correctly but do you say to wait a year after the marriage has been restored? We were restored in July,
Praise God!!!! Also, I have a friend who went through a divorce and her husband has remarried and I have
been feeling led for months now to share this with her. Should I not give her the materials?
ANSWER: Yes, it is a good idea that you wait and devote yourself to your husband for the first year after
restoration. Help your friend by giving her our materials and telling her about our fellowship. You will show
her by your example that your first priority, after the Lord, is your husband.

QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. He has continued to “talk” about wanting me to move out by the
first of next month. I have not argued with him about this but have trusted the Lord. It is getting closer—a
crisis occurred a few weeks ago. My husband appeared to be very close to recommitting but since then has
appeared to go back the other way. I thought we were close to the end because the battle got so intense but
now that he is back to work it seems he is back to his old self. Is there anything I can do?

ANSWER: Don’t try to do anything new. The same thing happened to me around Christmas when I was
seeking the Lord for the restoration of my marriage. As to whether your husband seems to have gone
backwards, you can’t always tell, as I shared on the videos. When a crisis occurs, that WE haven’t caused, it
can be an opportunity for advancement. Keep at peace and close with the Lord. Don’t let this setback cause
you to be discouraged. You must BELIEVE that the Lord is about to do something, as you trust in Him.

QUESTION: I have been reading your book over and over again. I am confused though. It talks about how to
wait for God’s time for my husband to come back home and that there will be no sorrow if you wait and not
try to entice your husband to come home. Well I certainly did not entice him to come home. In fact it actually
felt too soon for him to come home but he said he felt that was what God wanted him to do so I certainly did
not argue with that. However there is a lot of sorrow in our home. He has been home for two months and he is
still seeing the other woman. I have been doing what the book says to do and trusting him. But the problem is
he does not hide it at all. In fact he stays overnight there sometimes, he talks to her on our phone, and he even
offered to fix her car. So it is parked in our driveway right now. He is bringing her into my life now. And he
doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong with all of this. I have been keeping my mouth shut and just loving. I
think that he has other major issues other than our marriage. God has changed me so much I feel like a new
person. He has told me he has seen changes but it doesn’t seem to matter. He is so hooked on this other
woman, who is everything that the book describes an adulteress to be. It is like an addiction and somehow he
justifies what he is doing. She is going to destroy his life if he continues, but he doesn’t seem to see it. I don’t
want to give up. I pray for him at least an hour every day and throughout the day with open communication to
God. And for myself to change and do what God wants me to do. But I feel stuck and I am not hearing what
the next step to obedience is. Is this all normal?
ANSWER: You are experiencing testing, not sorrow. Your husband has come home, and now you are in a
very wonderful place of influence and can see CLEARLY how to pray. I would not say that your marriage is
109 14. Spouse at Home
restored since he is still seeing the other woman. All that you see is deceptive and is why the Bible tells us to
walk by faith, not by sight. My husband seemed to not care either, but afterwards, he told me MANY things
that were totally and completely different from what I saw. Your husband is still “held with the cords of his
sin.” Yes, this is normal in the sense that it is the kind of restoration the Lord has given you. Many would
want this kind of restoration just to have their husbands where they could see them and be near them.
However, I know it is a VERY difficult kind of restoration, but be assured that God will give you the grace
and you will be victorious. Seek the Lord for the next step of obedience. Make sure that you do not fail to fast
in order to break the bonds that clearly have him bound. And pray that God will bring light into his darkness.
Your consistent walk of faith, unconditional love, not speaking to your husband about what he does or does
not do, along with fasting and praying, will suddenly bring complete restoration to your home.
QUESTION: My spouse is still in the home. During the course of my husband’s affair, the other woman got
pregnant, and will be bearing the child in a few months. My husband has taken responsibility for this child, in
fact goes to every doctor’s appointment and did an all day Lamaze class with her. I have been letting him go,
though sometimes not so happily. She is going to be a part of our lives now. My question: is there any
scripture I can read, or pray over my husband, and to give me encouragement? Also what should my role be in
regards to this woman?
ANSWER: First, I have to admit that I have trouble when anyone calls “adultery” an “affair.” Sin is never a
“party,” so in keeping with the Bible, make sure you call it by its true name. Secondly, logic or reasoning
would conclude, as you stated, “she will be a part of our lives.” Personally, I would not enjoy looking at my

“But
futureGod said
with thistoaddition.
Abraham, “Do not be distressed because of the lad and your maid;
whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her, for through Isaac your descendants shall be named. And of the son of
the maid I will make a nation also, because he is your descendant. So Abraham rose early in the morning, and
took bread and a skin of water, and gave them to Hagar, putting them on her shoulder, and gave her the boy,
and sent her away. And she departed, and wandered about in the wilderness of Beersheba” (Gen. 21:12–14).

I have ministered to two women who found themselves in a similar situation and had to deal with a child from the
OW their husband was involved with. Both of these women ended up with the child and their husbands not being
involved with the OW and her household. I, on the other hand, would probably appeal to God, as Sarah did,
because of the effect it would have on my own children. Many would call me unchristian, but I think that we settle
for too much JUNK from the devil in order to APPEAR spiritual. I would be praying diligently (along with fasting)
that my husband would not be involved with this other woman nor the baby. If
the Lord put a love in my heart for the baby (as He did with the two women I mentioned earlier) and worked
things out so that I could raise him/her, I would, knowing that it was His will and that His grace would be
sufficient. However, sometimes His grace feels like it is less than sufficient for things that He has not
ordained us to go through.
QUESTION: Husband had an affair and asked me to try again, I agreed to despite misgivings. Lately, he’s
been speaking of separation. He’s lost respect for me in not following his directions for my career. Am I
supposed to meet all his expectations of me, no matter how unrealistic? Am I being unsubmissive if I do not
promote myself, as he wants me to? I am so weary and hurt. We have to move. I told him that I wanted
faithfulness, honesty and some sign of effort on his part. He asked for separation again. Do you think I should
go back to him and tell him I will live with him on whatever terms he chooses? Would this make him
disrespect me more? I believe God wants me to overcome my fears, stand firm in my boundaries. I just want
to obey His will for me.
ANSWER: It’s a fine line between “being subject” and trying to please your husband; we are to be subject,
yet do ALL we can to please the Lord; and pleasing the Lord means being subject to our husbands. Trying to
meet your husband’s expectations would be in the line of pleasing him. As far as writing articles, networking
110 Questions & Answers
and promoting yourself, seek the Lord for opportunities and His leading. Make it a matter of prayer and begin
to “walk” in obedience. Begin an article, talk to someone about networking, etc. Don’t try to earn your
husband’s respect, give him the respect that God commands (“. . . let the wife see to it that she respect her
husband” (Eph. 5:33).) and God will see to it that you are “praised” (Prov. 31:30).
Many men who are unhappy in life focus on what their wife is doing or not doing (and if you husband is away
from the Lord he surely is unhappy). When their wife “walks in obedience“ they often focus on something
else. But it’s not about pleasing your husband; it’s about pleasing the Lord. There is no question that by
attempting to please your husband you have worn yourself out. Separation is VERY dangerous to any
marriage. It is almost always followed by adultery and then divorce.

If you attach ANY requirements to your moving, you WILL find yourself living alone (i.e. I told him that I
wanted faithfulness, honesty and some sign of effort on his part). It is not about making a stand or not making
a stand. What is important is doing what is right. Making a stand for humility will completely and absolutely
cause God to move on your behalf. There is no other way. The fire of humility is very hot. The waters of
subjection are very deep. But I assure you from experience and from the testimonies of others who have
chosen the same road that it brings joy unspeakable!!
Yes, go back and tell him you will live with him on whatever terms he chooses. If it is the Lord‘s will, you
will be together. If not, your husband will still find a way to move elsewhere. If separation does occur then it
wasn’t because of you, but it was God’s will for a time. That will help to comfort you in the weeks or months
ahead. The fire will get even hotter, but God is faithful! And finally, please let me share with you that I have
trouble when anyone calls “adultery” an “affair.” Sin is never a “party,” so in keeping with the Bible, make
sure you call it by its true name.
QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed. My spouse is still in the home.] What to do when your husband just
doesn’t want to be married? My husband wants to go on living like he’s single. He doesn’t want to be
bothered with married life. He wants to do his own thing. What am I to do?

ANSWER: At this point, you have an INCREDIBLE advantage that most women who come to our ministry
don’t have—since your husband is still in your home, you can be transformed right before his eyes! If you
take this time to take a hard and constant look at yourself, renew your mind through God’s Word and through
restoration materials, then he will no longer WANT to be single, but will be HAPPILY married! We have
seen this happen a countless number of times. Why not do it before the divorce goes through, he leaves you,
and quite possibly, finds another woman?

|
 15
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Submission or Honoring
For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.
—Romans 13:1

QUESTION: [State: Michigan. Present Marital Status: married but separated.] I am being recalled to a full-
time, May-November job. I want to be home to homeschool my children. My unemployment money will end
in May, then NOTHING. Daycare is exorbitant, and I don’t like the job. Afraid to ask husband’s advice
because last fall, when angry, he said if I don’t work, it’s my responsibility, but then I’ll have to sell the
house. Shouldn’t I be submissive and ask him, or can I make my own decision? Do I have to work? Must I
sell the house? I have been seeking God for days. Need help now!
ANSWER: Yes, ask your husband what he would have you to do. I hope that you are fasting for favor (three
days) during the time you have been waiting on the Lord. Just because your husband said something once,
doesn’t mean he’ll say it again. Besides, it is not really your husband’s wisdom or guidance you are seeking, it
is the Lord‘s answer provided THROUGH your husband who is to be your protector. And YES his position as
protector is still in place if he is gone, if he is deep in sin, until he dies. It is spiritual protection that God
instituted when Eve was deceived. Whenever you seek guidance through your husband claim this verse: “The
lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD” (Prov. 16:33).

If you have been “Delight[ing] yourself in the LORD” then “He will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps.
37:4). Which is to stay home with your children. Many of your fears are coming from the very same things
that I went through. I was homeschooling my children (I had four also) and my husband was insisting that I
work. But God worked it all out as I sought Him and trusted that He would speak through my husband.
I hope you don’t have to sell your home. Usually, I find that God intervenes and saves that too for the sake of
the children. In my case we lost it all. But I was never as content as I was in the little dump we lived in
because the Lord dwelled there with my children and me. I am sure you don’t care as much about the “things”
as you do about your marriage and having your husband home for your children. After my husband’s adultery,
which reduced us all to a loaf of bread, the Lord in His loving kindness reversed the curse and we now have
much, much more than we lost.
QUESTION: [Present Marital Status: married but separated. I told my spouse to leave. My spouse lives with
someone else.] My husband and I are getting along well. He does not like my auto mechanic. Should I follow
his lead and find another?

ANSWER: Get another mechanic. Until you are indoctrinated in the principles of the Lord, He will NOT
restore you marriage!!
QUESTION: [State: Tennessee. Current Marital Status: divorced.] We’ve been divorced for two months. My
spouse divorced me. He wants me out of the house now and to remove my rings. I have been praying about
both things and feel my rings are right where the Lord wants them. I can’t find an affordable place to live and
112 Questions & Answers
wonder if that is the Lord telling me not to move since I have been trying to get His guidance in finding a
place? So I am afraid if I don’t do what my husband wants then we will lose what friendship we do have. I am
still developing my relationship with the Lord, but my husband is making it hard to do.
ANSWER: It is not your husband who is inhibiting your growth with the Lord—it’s your rebellion. “But as
the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24).
TAKE OFF YOUR RINGS! Then pray that the Lord will turn your husband’s heart and he will WANT your
rings back on.
You will NEVER know where the Lord wants you to live until you get back under your husband’s protection.
“Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams” (1 Sam. 15:22). The Lord is not
double-minded. He is not going to tell you, “I want your rings on your finger” and then say in His Word that
we are to be subject to our husbands in EVERYTHING—which would include wearing your wedding rings.
It’s not the friendship between you and your husband that I worry about; I’m concerned about your
relationship with the Lord. “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).
“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15).

And here are some you are failing to keep: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord“ (Eph.
5:22). “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything”
(Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18 ). You are also being
unfaithful to your husband by frequenting a “single‘s group.” This is no place for a woman seeking
restoration—get out!

Also, get packing. Begin to obey your husband and pray that he will have a change of heart and WANT you to
stay in the house you are in or that God will lead you to a place you can afford. Oh, and don’t forget to repent
of your rebellion before you go! I don’t blame your husband for wanting you to “get out.” Your
contentiousness is enough to drive me crazy and I don’t have to live with you! “It is better to live in a corner
of a roof, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9). “It is better to live in a desert
land, than with a contentious and vexing woman” (Prov. 21:19). “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain
And a contentious woman arealike . . .” (Prov. 27:15). If it takes your being homeless to break this
contentiousness and self-righteousness out of you, “my rings are right where the Lord wants them!” God will
allow it. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the
day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6).

QUESTION: My husband wouldn’t TELL me I have to work, he said it is MY decision, but if it were him,
he would work. He will help to some extent with bills, but I must find a way to make up difference or I will
lose the house. What is a better witness to my husband? If I choose not to work, does he see that as being
irresponsible and rebellious? Or would he be able to see that I am now trying to trust the God that I always
said I believed in? Is it a better witness to take this job? Would he see that as being more responsible,
accepting and submissive (even though he definitely said I may choose)? Because I no longer enjoy the
job/long hours, I prefer to remain at home, but am willing to look into other opportunities that may allow
more time with the children.
ANSWER: So often women who want to please the Lord, submit to “suggestions” that the devil uses to
deceive them. Since your husband said it is your choice, then make it the right choice—by pleasing the Lord,
and not trying to guess what will please your husband . “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD, He
makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Prov. 16:7). What pleases the Lord is a keeper of the home .
“. . . to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God
may not be dishonored” (Titus 2:5). “She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread
of idleness” (Prov. 31:27).
113 15. Submission or Honoring

The Lord will show you, as you trust in Him, how He would have you make the payments. Many men “say”
that they will not help, but continue to support their wives. “The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD
directs his step” (Prov. 16:9). So don’t be quick to be self-sufficient. You must seek the Lord for His way of
provision; which may be doing some type of work from your home, a very part-time job, or through some
other way that you will see revealed as you trust in Him.

QUESTION: [State: California. Current Marital Status: divorced.] My husband and I divorced but got back
together (I with my contentious attitude tore my house down). I left and later realized my mistake, but it was
too late, he didn’t want me back. After reading your book and workbook God began to move, we have started
seeing and talking to each other. Now I am pregnant and he is upset and angry and wishes we never began
talking again. What do I do now? Do I stay away and let him cool off or still be a wife to him? He even wants
me to abort.
ANSWER: You need to give him time by staying apart for a while. Pray that the Lord will turn his heart back
toward you and the baby. You mentioned being divorced, then back together. Did you remarry, or were you
still divorced when you became intimate again? In the book I’m sure you read that once a divorce has
occurred, you should not be intimate. When a judge rules that you are no longer married, we must obey, “Let
every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and
those which exist are established by God” (Rom. 13:1). I have seen a lot of tragedy when this has been
violated. There are consequences for violations of God’s Word even if it was done in ignorance. “My people
are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hos. 4:6).
If you were intimate while you were divorced, you must repent before the Lord. Then pray for an opportunity
to repent to your husband. Remember when talking to him, to agree with ANYTHING he says, or keep silent.
(Matt. 5:25) If he asks you about getting an abortion again, tell him that you will have to pray about it. THEN
PRAY!! However, since you are no longer married, you are not REQUIRED to be subject. When your
husband divorced you, then he lost the privilege, so the baby is in no danger.

When a wife has a desire to restore her marriage, she WILLINGLY submits to her husband. It is her choice to
do so as an example of her faith that her marriage will be restored. This is what I did. However, if I was asked
to sin against God, as you are being asked to do, I would not have willingly submitted to it. However, a
woman who is married must be subject in ALL things, trusting in the Lord that He will faithfully deliver
her—because
“But He ISisfaithful!!!
as the church subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their
“In
husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). Even if our husbands are disobedient to the word as Abraham was.
the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to
the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and
respectful behavior . . .Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if
you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:1–2, 6).

QUESTION:
The opportunity arose to talk again with my husband about his asking me to work. He said
again that it is okay for me to turn down this present job offer, as long as I can find other means to make ends
meet. Since he thinks I should work, I assured him that I am willing to do that and am already looking into
other jobs. My question now is why is it MY responsibility to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads,
etc.? (Sorry, sometimes this makes me so mad, and I have to repent again and again.) Thank you.
ANSWER: It isn’t only your responsibility. It is God’s. As a believer, you must seek Him for His provisions.
Some children have neither parent and rely on grandparents and the government. You are PRIVILEGED to
have a heavenly Father who can supply all your needs. God will provide for your needs. Assuring your
husband that you are looking into other jobs, I hope means, that you are seeking the Lord. Just be in MUCH
114 Questions & Answers
prayer about what to do. Looking can catch you where you don’t want to be caught.
May I also say that it is good that you repent of your anger? But, it does show that you are not currently in a
state of brokenness. There was no possible way for me to experience anger with my husband or anyone during
my two years of trials for my marriage. I hurt DEEPLY when these same issues came up in my life. And I
fought fear. We did lose our house and all my belongings for a few years. Anger is a sign that you are not
where God wants you to be, so more “breaking” will be coming your way. Humble your heart right now, fast
if you can, and lay yourself prostrate before the Lord. Stop looking at what your husband is doing or not doing
and look to the Lord for your help.

QUESTION: [State: Pennsylvania. Current Marital Status: married but separated. I have an attorney. I am in
a support group: the name of the support group is Covenant Keepers.] Instead of just submitting re: selling
house, I told husband I was submitting because I believe it is right to and apologize for not doing so in past.
His email: I should NOT submit to him and MUST make up my OWN mind. We don’t have children; he
wants to sell our home, buy one in a different state and have children with the OW. I want to submit and not
blow it again. (Re: Q above: I can’t tell if he’s angry; we only email. He’s seen counselor to get “closure” and
“move on with his life.”)

ANSWER: A man HATES when his wife TELLS him she is submitting. Wives are to just DO IT. When a
wife tells her husband she is submitting she is acting like a Pharisee and greatly hindering her hopes of
restoration. “. . . in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full” (Matt. 6:5). I
believe this “Pharisee spirit” is the number one reason why so many of those seeking restoration are never
restored.

You mentioned that your support group is Covenant Keepers. So many those who are attending these support
groups seem to be Pharisees—at least the ones I come in contact with. I think this spirit is catching. I do not
believe that it is coming from the foundation of the group itself, but that the “support group” setting attracts
Pharisees. They LOVE to share their sufferings and have people pity them. If you spend time around this kind
of person, you too, will pick up the same attitudes and responses. “Leave the presence of a fool, or you will
not discern words of knowledge” (Prov. 14:7). “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’”
(1 Cor. 15:33). I saw so much of this same thing when Restore Ministries had “support” groups; that’s why I
stopped them and encouraged “classes.” But so many still want to make classes into support groups.
For right now, email your husband back and apologize for your “religious” response. Tell him the truth is, that
you trust whatever decisions he makes will be the right ones. Leave all “church” talk and comments out. I
really wish you had the “Be Encouraged!” tapes. It would really help you to hear the different ways that the
Lord led me to respond to day-to-day confrontations. Of course, after you “agree,” you need to pray that God
will protect you and deliver you from any of your husband’s “plans” that are not His will. Use these verses:
“The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps” (Prov. 14:7). “The lot is cast into the lap, But
its every decision is from the LORD” (Prov. 16:33). “Thus says the LORD, ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in
mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD. For he will be like a bush in
the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt
without inhabitant. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD” (Jer. 17:5–7).

QUESTION: Do I keep our joint checking account, although we are divorced? My husband opened his own account
two months after leaving. The bank statement keeps going to his house. He sends it to me by the children. I did an
address change this past week for the third time. My husband has not seemed upset about it. He is probably
surprised since I was so tight with the money while we were married. I want to do what is right.
115 15. Submission or Honoring

ANSWER: Unless he tells you to stop the bank statement from coming to him, don’t do any more address
changes and do NOT close your joint account! The fact that he is not at all angry with you, and he hasn’t
insisted that you stop the statement from coming to his place even though he is living with someone else is so
great!! It seems that the devil is working harder on you then on him.
I am always surprised how the devil is able to deceive women (and men) into helping to destroy and divide
the marriage that they are attempting to restore. Right now your only connection to your husband may be this
account. God has thwarted your attempts to have the statement sent to your house. From what you have said,
it was not at your husband’s insistence, but rather it was you trying to do what you “thought” was right. When
the devil can’t get us to be rebellious, he tries to get us to do more than what the Lord has asked us to do. So
he gets you to question whether to close the account so that you can truly be separate; of course, he uses your
desire to do right and twists it to deceive you.

When my husband first left me, he stormed out of the house one day saying we were through and he was
leaving me. When he didn’t come home that night I panicked. Then the devil set me up, my mother-in-law
called the very next day. Foolishly, I told her what he said. (This was the first and LAST time I told her
ANYTHING—it was a great lesson!!) As quick as a wink, she told me to ask my husband to move me into an
apartment, said I should put my two children (that I home schooled) into public school, put my two
preschoolers into daycare and go back to work. She went on to say that he would “never be back” and if he
did come back, he wouldn’t stay! Of course, she said he was just like his father. She then went on to tell me
all about her friends from her divorce recovery “groups.” She expounded on their hopelessness and told me in
no uncertain terms that this was the life that I was about to face. She had, in a matter of minutes, declared my
marriage to be dead and then proceeded to bury it along with my life and my future. Over my dead body!!
That was when holy boldness rose up in me. I thanked her for her advice (thanks but no thanks), then I told
her first of all that my husband wouldn’t do anything I asked him to do, so why would I ask him to move me?!
I told her that the children had just lost their father; was I going to now let these little ones lose me also by
putting them in the care of others and going to work?! If my only connection to my husband was our home
and our children, (some refuse to let the spouse see them as if THAT would draw a spouse back?!) I would
not attempt to destroy those connections. Then I made an excuse to get off the phone and never told her (or
anyone else) ANYTHING again!! Who needs to hear that junk?! This is why I tell everyone who will
LISTEN not to discuss anything at all with those who will give you advice that is not scriptural—and this
usually includes CHRISTIANS!! They will give you the world’s advice because they spend more time
watching Oprah and listening to or reading some psychological nonsense than they do reading their Bible—so
how would they know anything about God’s Word and His promises? Believe me, they don’t!

But, if we tell them our situation, then it’s OUR FAULT when what they tell us hurts us, destroys us and ruins
our faith that our marriage will be restored. Cathy Lechner says, “Don’t share your dreams with half-
brothers!” When Joseph told his family about his dream (our restored marriage) at first they laughed, then
they became angry, then they tried to kill him, then they sold him into slavery! When you share your visions
with ANYONE that is not going through what you are going through and share your heart for restoring your
marriage, then you RISK finding out they are not for you, but against you. Then not only are you fighting the
enemy, but all your “friends” and your “loving” family is against you also. That’s why so many of these Q&A
columns stress not telling anyone about your situation and why so much is written in all four books
(Restoration books and the workbook for women and the manual for men) about keeping your mouth closed.

One more thing, I understand what you said on the questionnaire—“not wearing my wedding ring on my left
hand.” And why you threw them away—“When we joined a church that did not believe in rings, I took them
off and threw them away, I am sorry to say.” Could this be why you fell into adultery? Would you please buy
116 Questions & Answers
an inexpensive wedding band and begin wearing it on your left hand? If your church asks you to leave, then
ask God to send you to another church that prays for marriages and has a pastor who preaches boldly about
marriage restoration.
QUESTION: My husband and I are separated, but he says its okay for me to homeschool my children this
year. However, the children are not interested. There is much homosexual activity at our high school, but I am
so tired, maybe I should just pray for protection.

ANSWER: Unless your husband is against you homeschooling, you should. I understand you are tired, but to
expose your children to this evil now will only result in your reaping the consequences later. The devil has
worn you down and wants you out of the way so that he can destroy your family. Just give it to the Lord. If
you rely totally on the Lord for His help during your homeschool year, then He will make it a very profitable
year. Remember, “And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow
weary” (Gal. 6:9).

QUESTION: Are you saying that we as wives should never give our advice or suggestions to our husbands?
If so, can I have Scriptures to back that please?

ANSWER:
Unless your husband specifically asks you, yes, that is what I am saying. Here are the Scriptures:
“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient
to the word, they may be won WITHOUT A WORD by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste
and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external braiding the hair, and wearing gold
jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable Quality of a
gentle and Quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women
also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah
obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being
frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:1–6).
If you have the KJV this same verse reads “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any
obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives . . .” However, when
you go to the Greek word for conversation, it says attitude not speaking. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands,
as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands
in everything” (Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18 ). “Let a woman
QUIETLY receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not
allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to REMAIN QUIET. For it was Adam who was
first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell
into transgression. But women shall be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and
love and sanctity with self-restraint” (1Tim. 2:11–15).
If you are seeking the truth, you have found it in the above verses. If you are instead trying to find a way to do
For
whatthe time
you willthen
want, comeI am
when they
sure youwill
willnot endure
find that as well. “
sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in
accordance to their own desires; and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths” (2
Tim. 4:3–4).

QUESTION: [This is a crisis.] My husband and I are divorced. We have two children who are split. He has
our daughter this weekend, told me he would have her home in time for church. Now he isn’t bringing her
home until after church. He says that when I have our son, I never get him home until 8:30 on Sunday
(because of youth group) and it is not fair that he can’t have the same time with our daughter. I don’t know
what to do. His days off are during the week, so when the kids are there, they are at his parent’s most of the
 15. Submission or Honoring 117
time. Please help.
ANSWER: First of all, this does not constitute a crisis. You must seek the Lord in every trial, get in your
prayer closet and find the “still waters” that the Lord LONGS to lead you to! Bigger and stronger trials are
going to come. If you fall apart or yell “CRISIS!” at the little ones, you certainly will not make the distance.

Now for your answer: How you handle these types of situations with your husband will determine whether
you stay divorced or are restored. When you were married, you obviously battled and squabbled about many
things, just like all of us who found ourselves suddenly alone and divorced. However, if you have read
ANYTHING or listened to ANYTHING from our ministry, you must have stumbled over “dying to self,”
“agreeing with your adversary,” and WINNING your husband “without a word.” Defending yourself to me
means that you are missing the point. Philippians 2:3 puts it this way, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty
conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself . . .”

Whenever your husband brings your daughter back you say, “That’s fine with me!” (Big smile!) Then go on
to say, “Actually, I am SO glad that you have more time to spend with her! It’s so wonderful that you two
have such a good relationship! If you ever want her to spend the night, just say the word. I’ll make sure she
packs a bag. You can drop her off at school or I would be HAPPY to run by and pick her up and take her!”
(BIG, Big smile!) And, “I am SO SORRY that I have messed up by having our son back so late. I can
certainly bring him back earlier if I go in and get him from “youth group” before it’s over. Whatever you’d
like me to do!” (Again, BIG SMILE!)

Now, if you are making excuses, or thinking how you can’t do this or that, or how you can write me back and
explain, AGAIN you are missing the point. The point is “Get along with your husband now in a VERY
positive and enthusiastic way, going the extra mile, or stop thinking that your marriage will ever be restored!”
This means you MUST take every single opportunity you have to go the extra mile! Please read and meditate
on this
“But versein
I say Matthew
to you, do not5:39,
resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your
right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your
coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do
not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, ‘you shall love your
neighbor, and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies.”

QUESTION:
Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me as though your ministry puts a lot of blame on
women. Whatever happened to the man’s responsibilities in all of this? He is COMMANDED by God to love
his wife as Christ loved the church, yet I don’t ever see/hear you speak along those lines. You appear to be
VERY hard on women. Women are reactors; they react to how their husband treats them. Please explain
yourself.
ANSWER: We, as Christian women, are told how to “react” to a husband who does not treat us fairly:
“In
the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to
the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and
respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1–2). “In the same way” as whom? “For you have been called for this purpose,
since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED
NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in
return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and
He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by
His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the
Shepherd and Guardian of your souls. In the same way, you wives . . .” (1 Pet. 2:21– 3:1).
Jesus‘ life is our example. He also said this in Matthew 5:39, “But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil;
118 Questions & Answers
but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.” No matter how we are treated
(whether a woman or a man), we are to follow the example of our Lord or STOP CALLING OURSELVES
CHRISTIANS—which means “a follower of Christ!”
QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] You teach about submission and obeying your husband. Is a wife to
obey her husband even if it involves sin? What if your husband insists that you have an abortion?
ANSWER: I must first ask you a question: Has your husband asked you to have an abortion? Many women,
who don’t submit to ANYTHING, seem to be the very ones who like to ask hypothetical questions. This way
(in their minds) they can PROVE that you can’t trust the TRUE biblical teaching. The answer to your question
lies in the life of Sarah. The Bible tells us we as women are to follow her example of submission. I have
helped women whose husbands have asked them to sin. Usually, God delivers the obedient wife. But
sometimes she goes through the sin, only to be blessed by the Lord, as Sarah was. I, personally, have faced
both. God was and is ALWAYS faithful!!

So many women in leadership refuse to admit and talk about the submission that is found clearly in the Bible.
They refuse to address a question like, “What about Sarah and how God clearly tells us to be submissive to
our husbands as Sarah was?” Others may be ashamed of God’s Word or reason it away, but , “. . . I am not
ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes . . .”! (Rom. 1:16).
“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, or of me His prisoner; but join with me in
suffering for the gospel according to the power of God . . .” (2 Tim. 1:8). However, if you think that I am
happy to be put in this type of submission, or to have to tell other women to allow themselves to be put in this
terrifying position—I AM NOT! But, I am not the author of the Bible—God is. I am only accountable to obey
Whoever
and teachthen annulsGod
the truth; onewill
of the
takeleast
careofofthese
the rest. “
commandments, and so teaches others, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and
teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 5:19).

QUESTION: Should I get a job, knowing that the money will most likely be spent on my husband’s
weekends when he spends the extras on her?

ANSWER:
The question must be phrased, “Should I SEEK or look for a job? I, personally, believe the Bible
when it comes to women. Titus 2:5 says that we are to be “workers at home, kind, being subject to their own
husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.” And also in Proverbs 31:26 it says, “She opens her
mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.” I believe that a woman should be at home to minister first to her
family and then to younger women through teaching and hospitality. However, as Titus 2:5 says, “we are to
be subject to our husbands so that God’s word will not be dishonored.” But how? Clearly through “walking”
and “moving” in obedience, ALL THE WHILE praying for God in His mercy and power and according to the
honor of His Word—TO DELIVER YOU.

Begin to honor your husband by either putting together a resume or looking at the want ads. Ask the Lord to
guide you. Learn this verse and say it over and over again. “And your ears will hear a word behind you, ‘This
is the way, walk in it,’ whenever you turn to the right or to the left” (Is. 30:21). (By the way, this is all
explained in depth in the “Be Encouraged!” video series, which is now available on audiotapes so that women
can listen and renew their minds with the truth.)

QUESTION: [I am separated.] My husband lives with OW. He is still on my insurance, PTL. He just found
out he has bladder cancer and told me that they will do surgery on him this Wednesday. He said the OW
would be there and that he didn’t want me to say anything to her. I told him I would not be there. He said
okay. There is not distance in the spirit realm and I leave him in the Lord‘s hands. He did not ask me to be
 15. Submission or Honoring 119
there. I guess he just assumed I would be. I hope I did the right thing?
ANSWER: From what you told me, he must have thought you would be there with him. It probably would
have been better if you had asked him if he wanted you to go or not, rather than just to say you wouldn’t be
there. Your actions may have sent him the message that you don’t care as much about him as you do about
your ill feelings towards the OW. In doing so, you freely gave ground to the enemy. There SHE is waiting and
caring for him as he goes in and comes out of surgery, while you who he probably believes “doesn’t care” is
going about her day as if nothing is happening.
You may want to call, just this once, and apologize with something like, “I wanted you to know I really
messed up when you called. I was trying to make it easier on you by not coming and possibly causing trouble
with “OW.” But I can’t imagine not being at the hospital when you go in because I care very much about you.
Tell me honestly what you would rather I do, go and be quiet like you asked or stay home and wait to hear
that everything is all right.” When you decide what you want to say, then write it down and stick to what you
wrote, so that you don’t say too much. “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he
who restrains his lips is wise” (Prov. 10:19).

When women who are trying to do what is right, continue to take control, then things will continue to go the

“And
wrongSamuel
way. Dosaid,
your‘Has
bestthe LORDand
to listen as to try to do exactly what he asks.
much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better
than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and insubordination
is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He has also rejected you . . .” (1
Sam. 15:22–23).

QUESTION:
Husband asked wife to have relationship with OW’s child. He also asked for conversation
about OW and child in the presence of wife’s children in their home. Wife has asked she did not wish to speak
about OW and child in her home. The OW, child, and her own children are being used to stir up strife. Am
rereading your books again to try and retain all the knowledge and wisdom for others and myself. Sorry if any
of the questions are already answered in the books.
ANSWER: The situation sounds so horribly complicated, but if we apply the principles, looking to God’s
Word, then we should know what to do and how to handle any seemingly impossible situation. When a
husband asks a wife to do anything that causes her to be troubled in her spirit, then we look to these verses:
Firstthe
“In to same
1 Peter 3:1 you
way, since they are quite possibly “disobedient to the word.” It says
wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may
be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”

Next we look at how God asks us to be in subjection to our husbands: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as
to the Lord“ (Eph. 5:22). “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
everything” (Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18 ). With these
verses as our foundation, we can see that when our husbands ask us to do something, with reverence, we do what
they ask as unto and as fitting to the Lord; in other words, because God asks us to do it.
However, the word also says that “a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” With fear and
trembling cry out to God for HIM to deliver you. When my husband was gone and living in sin, he was a
slave of the devil: “Jesus answered them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of
sin’” (John 8:34). “Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience,
you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in
righteousness?” (Rom. 6:16).
Very often he would ask me to do something that I believed was wrong; nevertheless, God told me to obey
120 Questions & Answers
him. Sarah, who God says is our example of an obedient wife, was sent into the palace to be taken as a wife of
pharaoh. God allowed her to go into the palace, but God protected her and soon delivered her. We are not told
that she cried out to God, but certainly it is right for us to encourage women to do so. With this understanding,
we can rest IN HIM that as we are submissive, respectful to our husbands when they are disobedient to the
Word, that God will be our fortress and our deliverer. It takes courage, trust and faith in God to walk this out.
The reward is a victorious and fruitful life.
QUESTION: I’m trying to follow the guidelines in your book and workbook in my situation. I want to put up
the prayer request tree up (found in the workbook) with my kids but since I’m supposed to keep my husband
built up to them, can I put the prayer request that daddy comes home to mommy on there? Should I hide the
tree from my ex since he comes over often for the kids? He has told me not to pray for us to get back together.
What do I do about that? My ex doesn’t want the kids to think he’s bad or mean to me so he doesn’t want
them to think divorce is a bad thing. He told our oldest it just means two people who used to be married are
not anymore and they live in different houses. If I pray in front of the kids for daddy to come home, they
might tell him that we are praying for it or ask him when he is coming home.
ANSWER: The best way is to pray that you will have “a lot more family time together” this should cover it
without offending him or setting off an alarm. Of course, as you pray, you want it to be for him to be home
permanently. But before he does come home permanently, in most cases, he will begin to spend more and
more time at home and with the children. This of course infuriates the OW and her bitter and sharp tongue
becomes VERY apparent.

But for him to want to come home, you will need to make sure that his time there is ALWAYS pleasant and
relaxing. You mentioned that, “your husband” “doesn’t want the kids to think he’s bad or mean to me so he
doesn’t want them to think divorce is a bad thing”—do you share his feelings? It is important that you two are
on the same side, for the sake of the children and for the sake of your restoration. If he thinks that he has to
build himself up and justify his actions because you won’t protect his relationship with your children, then
your house will continue to be divided. Begin to be his helpmeet by building your husband up at every
opportunity. Explain that indeed, divorce does not have to be bad, because Daddy still loves us so much and
spends time with us every chance that he gets. That he wants to be here ALL the time, but he just can’t. So
that’s why we need to pray that when he does come home things are fun and relaxing for Daddy, because
things are very difficult for him right now.
QUESTION: I have been trusting God to restore my marriage for over a year. My husband came back to me
in August, and left again in April of this year saying that he had changed his mind about coming home. He
had found a young woman who he believed would make him happy. Since then he divorced me in July. My
problem is he is constantly taking money out of our shared bank account. He emailed needing help to take a
further bond on our house. I know that we must submit to our husbands, and I have chosen to do that, how do
I submit in this case?
ANSWER: Since your husband divorced you, you are not under obligation to submit to him. After our
divorce, my husband knew that I no longer was his wife, but I chose to submit to him, except in the area of
intimacy. I would encourage you to seek the Lord. You must really lay your will aside, a real dying to self. If
you try to please your husband, when the Lord may want to use this financial crisis to get his attention, you
will have done more harm than good. In my situation with my husband, intimacy was the issue. I had to
LOVINGLY refuse to help him out by being intimate. You may be called upon in the same way. However, it
may be through your giving it ALL that God will turn your husband’s heart back to you. Please seek the Lord
and ask Him to make His will so very clear to you that you couldn’t possibly miss it. Fasting would also be
highly recommended.
121 15. Submission or Honoring
QUESTION: I know they say we’re not supposed to talk to our husbands about money, but my husband and I
run a business together. I have heard rumor that he and his girlfriend are going to start a business venture. He
now wants me to drop workers’ compensation and unemployment to save money and I said we couldn’t do
that. I have tried to explain this but he insists he’s correct. I need prayer.
ANSWER: Bottom line is that since we as wives are to be subject to our husbands, as Sarah was, then we
must walk in obedience. Pray like crazy that the Lord delivers you and your employees from any harm, but
you must walk toward that obedience or you are setting yourself up for many more trials. Repent to the Lord
for telling
“And Samuelyoursaid,
husband
‘Has that “we can’t do that.” That’s rebellion plain and simple.
the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to
obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and
insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry” (1 Sam. 15:22–23)

“But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other
also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you
to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow
from you. You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, and hate your enemy.’ But I say to
you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that
you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven . . .” (Matt. 5:39–42). There is power in following these
principles. And as you do, blessings will be released!
QUESTION: I just received a copy of my new budget from my husband because we have to buy a car. He
originally said he would give us extra money. On the budget today he has cut in half my tithe to the church
and will be giving nothing extra. If I am obedient to my husband I will be disobedient to God, and vice versa.
What should I do? I don’t want to upset God here!
ANSWER: You are not responsible for your husband’s desire to reduce your tithe.
“In the same way, you
wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may
be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1
Pet. 3:1). You are, however, responsible for your attitude towards your husband’s authority and how you
respond to it. “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
everything” (Eph. 5:24). God sees your heart, which is ALL that really matters. “. . . for God sees not as man
sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

QUESTION: How can I submit to a mentally unstable man?

You submit to a mentally unstable man the same way those who have husbands deep in adultery
ANSWER:
and other sin do (they are not in their “right minds” either)—AS UNTO THE LORD. This means we submit
to our husbands while trusting that the Lord is MORE THAN ABLE to protect us through our obedience to
God’s Word. “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
EVERYTHING” (Eph. 5:24). “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” (Prov.
16:33). Honoring those in authority, even those who are cruel and even a little nuts, is God’s way to show HIS
power.

QUESTION: [State: Georgia. Current Marital Status: married.] Most recently my husband and I have
become intimate on a more regular basis. He has also taken me away for a weekend and we have been
spending more time doing “fun” things together on the weekends. But have I gone too far with the drinking
and dressing sexually as he has asked me to? One place he took me there were women taking off their clothes!
ANSWER: No, you have not gone too far. You need to make sure that you are praying diligently against
122 Questions & Answers
being put in these situations, but if your heart is only to be submissive, then the Lord will bless you. Most of
those who become offended when they hear how radically I believe in submission, won’t submit to anything!
They ignore the following verses to their own destruction! “Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord,
and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:6).
“And it came about when he came near to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, ‘See now, I know that you are
a beautiful woman; and it will come about when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, ‘This is his wife’;
and they will kill me, but they will let you live. ‘Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with
me because of you, and that I may live on account of you.’ And it came about when Abram came into Egypt,
the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. And Pharaoh’s officials saw her and praised her to
Pharaoh; and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. But the LORD struck Pharaoh and his house with
great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s wife” (Gen. 12:11–17).

I know that God will deliver you. I, too, faced EXACTLY the same situation with my husband. God
EVENTUALLY delivered me out of ALL of these situations AND changed my husband in the process—
Glory to God!!! He is no longer the same man. I believe the Lord changed him BECAUSE of my obedience.
So many women erroneously believe that holding onto their “goodness” will make up for their husband’s lack
of it. They are wrong! When I saw that I was to follow my husband’s lead, even when he was leading me to
the “pits” of sin, I trusted the Lord, as Sarah did and ended up with an Abraham; a “Father of Many Nations.”
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord“ (Eph. 5:22). “But as the church is subject to Christ,
so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your
husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18 ). My husband is now morally pure. Is not drawn to sin at all as
he once was. He hates even the thought of alcohol (says it makes him sick). He now seeks and is running after
the Lord. God caused us to desire the same things of God because I was willing to trust the Lord and follow
His commands to wives. May the Lord bless you for your obedience as much as He has blessed me!
 16
|
Quitting
You will be hated by all because of My name, but the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.
—Mark 13:13

QUESTION: Why should I pray for my marriage to be restored? Can’t I just go on with my life, and continue
to pray for my husband’s salvation. I’m growing weary, and am not sure anymore if I want to continue to
hope or believe in a restored marriage. I just want to go on with my life and raise my children to the best of
my ability, and whatever part my husband wants to play so be it, but I’m not sure that I want to be or should
be in an active marriage with him.

ANSWER: Marriage restoration is a very narrow road and EXTREMELY difficult. I know from living it and
also from ministering to so many women over the past ten years. You don’t have to pray for your marriage to
be restored. You are free to go on with your life, as long as you understand that you cannot remarry unless
you are willing to be called an adulteress by God. “So then if, while her husband is living, she is joined to
another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is
not an adulteress, though she is joined to another man” (Rom. 7:3). At this point, marrying someone else may
be the furthest thing from your mind. However, a few years from now, you most likely will be thinking much
differently. But again, you do not HAVE TO PRAY FOR MARRIAGE RESTORATION.
There is one more thing I want to share with you. I have asked this question of EVERY woman that I know of
whose marriage has been restored: “If you had to do it all over again, understanding the pain, suffering and
not knowing if it would result in your marriage being restored, WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?” All of them,
including myself, said, “YES!” “Why?” I ask them. They ALL answered the same way. “Because of how it
changed me and brought me into a deeper and lasting relationship with the Lord.”

God determines what refining fires He will bring into our lives. As for you and me, (and many other women)
He has used our marriage. I personally prefer this “cross” to some that other women I’ve met have had to
bear. “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me” (Matt. 10:38).

QUESTION: My heart wants to stop now. It’s been 4 years; I’ve done some things right and made lots of
mistakes. Is staying single what I have to do to ensure my place in heaven and to have His Grace on earth?
My guilt, the pressure and consumption of doing everything consistently and precisely to have victory are
overwhelming to me now. All one could do wrong & more is where I’ve been. Your book taught me much,
but I’m emotionally & physically exhausted from trying to endure everything. All I know is I love the Lord.

ANSWER: For each negative thing we say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it.
You say: “It’s impossible.” God says: “All things are possible” (Luke 18:27)
You say: “I’m too tired.” God says: “I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28–30)
You say: “Nobody really loves me.” God says: “I love you” (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: “I can’t go on.” God says: “I will direct your steps” (Proverbs 3:5–6)
You say: “I can’t do it.” God says: “You can do all things” (Philippians 4:13)
You say: “I’m not able.” God says: “I am able” (2 Corinthians 9:8)
You say: “It’s not worth it.” God says: “It will be worth it” (Roman 8:28)
124 Questions & Answers
You say: “I can’t forgive myself.” God says: “I FORGIVE YOU” (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: “I can’t manage.” God says: “I will supply all your needs” (Philippians 4:19)
You say: “I’m afraid.” God says: “I have not given you a spirit of fear” (2 Timothy 1:7)
You say: “I’m always worried and frustrated.” God says: “Cast all your cares on ME” (I Peter 5:7)
You say: “I don’t have enough faith.“ God says: “I’ve given everyone a measure of faith“ (Romans 12:3)
You say: “I’m not smart enough.” God says: “I give you wisdom” (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: “I feel all alone.” God says: “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5)
Dear sister: You are clearly worn out from trying to do right. God sees your heart and He wants to give you
rest from your struggles. There have been many of us who have felt the same way as you are feeling now. My
advice to them and to you is to STOP trying to do anything. Just spend your time resting and waiting on the
Lord. Don’t think about restoration. Don’t read any more restoration material and don’t watch any videos.
Don’t think about what you need to do. You only need to rest in Him—that is HIS prescription for you. “Take
My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST
FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light” (Matt. 11:29–30). What you have been
carrying and the yoke you have been carrying is not His. Because His is easy and light!
Guilt is very heavy. That’s why Jesus said for us to confess and find forgiveness. “If we confess our sins, He
is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness . . .” (1 John 1:9).
You have been cleansed from all that you have brought before the Lord. I’m sure you have repented;
therefore, the blood of your precious Lord has covered your sin. (If you haven’t confessed, then do so right
now, then leave it at the cross.) However, the devil likes to bring up OLD stuff, especially when he doesn’t
have new stuff to hang over us. “. . . for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them
before our God day and night” (Rev. 12:10). The devil continues to plague you with these same accusations
to wear you out, and it’s worked. But you need not give up and assume that your only option is to live a lonely
single life. Just tell the Lord you are weary (He knows it anyway) and that you cannot go on any longer. Ask
Him to restore the marriage if He wants to; you just give it to Him. Then resist the desire or urge to worry
about it or do anything. This doesn’t mean you are giving up hope or giving up on restoration. It just means
you are giving up trying—and actually, that’s good!
For right now, try and “lay low” in regard to seeing or talking to your husband (if you do see him regularly).
You may be tempted to say something that you will regret. Or, you may feel the urge to “try” again. Seek as
much quiet time as you can alone with the Lord. There is nothing wrong with taking your phone off the hook.
God will use this time for your good. I personally think that you may be experiencing the feeling of “giving
up” because you are close to the birth of your miracle. Transition is the only time I ever wanted to “give up”
and felt like I was losing it. It is common for women, whose husbands have already made the decision to
return home, to experience this feeling.

Since you mentioned, “living a life of singleness,” for the record, unless you restore this marriage, your only
option is singleness. “A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to
be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39). If we were still living under the law, you
would be a widow since your husband would have been stoned for committing adultery. However, living a
life of singleness is not a bad thing, unless you are living in the world. For us as Christians, it’s a GREAT
place since it gives us more time to draw close to the Lord. “. . . And the woman who is unmarried, and the
virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is
married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Cor. 7:34).
Paul thought it to be great to be single and wished everyone could be so blessed! “But I say to the unmarried
and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I” (1 Cor. 7:8). I, too, experienced this euphoria
just before my husband came home. I wanted to stay just as I was so that I could live the abundant life that the
125 16. Quitting
Lord‘s presence had afforded me. Because we have been so indoctrinated into the world’s philosophies and
their way of thinking, it causes us to fear singleness. Then we are open game for the devil and his schemes.
When I was believing for my restoration miracle and I, too, would become weary, then the lies would come. If
my marriage was not restored, THEN I would have to be SINGLE all my life—OH! Horror!! But when I
abandoned myself in HIM and reaped the overflow of JOY, then I thought, “Wow, maybe I just might be
single for life!” When the devil couldn’t get me on either side, he had to give up! Contentment foils the enemy
every time!
QUESTION: Concerning your husband’s three reasons for turning home. I’m divorced and ex lives with
OW, so any “intimacy“ is out. I always try to look nice, but he doesn’t appear interested in me. We have been
in a room with people and he won’t even look at me. He loves his children, but they are not a priority in his
life. I have made positive changes which I will keep regardless, but I don’t think he is interested enough to
notice. God has not spoken to my heart or given me any hope for restoration. What am I doing wrong?

ANSWER: This question was followed by this praise report! “Yesterday, I sent a question. When I finished, I
prayed to God asking Him to show me that He is real, because my faith is so weak. At my daughter‘s soccer
game ONLY 2 hours later, my ex husband actually came and sat with me for almost 1/2 hr. wanting to discuss
our daughter. In the course of the conversation, he stated he canceled a trip in February because he didn’t
want to miss her last home game. When the game was over he told me how nice I looked and he apologized
for not telling me earlier! I was totally shocked and in awe of the whole situation!!! These were the EXACT
three things I asked about!! God is real and know I know it for certain!!! My faith is restored and I take this as
a sign to continue to pray for restoration and be obedient to his Word. I am totally overwhelmed by this!
Thank you so much for your ministry and the support given to all of us, especially newer people who are
shaky in faith and have so many questions. As Erin has said many times, God is so faithful!”
I hope that you will see from this praise report that our ANSWERS are found in HIM!! Hallelujah! I hope all
of you will take strength from this and begin to pray and ask the LORD who not only will answer your
questions, but will give you ASTONISHING blessings—something I certainly can’t do!! HE IS FAITHFUL!!
Thank you Lord!! “You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain;
so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask” (James 4:2).
 17
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Wedding Rings
‘On that day,’ declares the LORD of hosts, ‘I will take you… My servant,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will
make you like a signet ring, for I have chosen you,’ declares the LORD of hosts.
—Haggai 2:23

FAQ: Wearing Wedding Rings

There seems to be a lot of confusion about wearing or not wearing wedding rings. Let me state up front that I think
all women who are legally married should wear a ring at all times. Women who are separated or divorced should
also wear some type of wedding ring. And in some instances, those whose spouses have remarried should wear a
ring.
Now let me expound upon this. I ALWAYS have worn some type of wedding ring. There was a time when
my husband, who was very angry with me (the anger wall was up), told me he DID NOT want me to wear my
rings. As a submissive wife, I removed them and put them in a box.

However, without my rings on, I was concerned about drawing attention to my separation. One, I wanted to
stay “discrete” about my situation and two, I wanted to discourage any man who might think I was available.
So I wore an inexpensive wedding band in its place.

My husband, of course, questioned me about the rings (remember, the anger was up) but the Lord had shown
me the entire verse in 1 Peter 3:15 says, “. . . but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to
make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness
and reverence . . .” So I was ready with a gentle and respectful response.
I simply said that I was not interested in attracting anyone who would think I was available. To that he
responded, “I WANT you to find someone else!” But I already knew he would say that since he had said it
dozens of times. “Ouch!” So I responded with “I know, but right now I know I am not ready. I was such a
horrible wife to you, I wouldn’t want to mess up another relationship until I get my self right.” That satisfied
him.

This illustration should make the principle very clear for those who are divorced, still married, or separated. If
your spouse hasn’t said anything to you about your wedding rings, KEEP THEM ON. If your spouse says to
take them off, DO IT. Then pray about getting something on your ring finger and be ready to explain with
gentleness. If your spouse says to take those off, then do it. But if you say something like I said with humility,
then I doubt that will happen.

Now for those whose spouse has remarried; this is when 99 times out of 100 I would say be careful about
wearing any ring for a time. And if you know that you are going to run into your husband, remove them. I
have dealt personally with many women whose husbands have remarried. Most are in this situation because
they continued to pursue and not let go. To continue to wear your rings makes the statement “I will NEVER
127 17. Wedding Rings
let you go.” Secondly, it’s weird. So many of these women live in a “make believe world.” It goes beyond
living by faith to living weird. And the sad part is that some husbands feed off this, as if they have two wives!
I am completely serious about this. I have seen it happen too many times.
However, for those whose husbands have remarried and are wearing some type of wedding band or other ring
on their ring finger to keep themselves from tempting or being tempted by someone who might think they are
available—and that is your ONLY motive—then that is fine to wear a wedding band or rings. The best
method would be to not wear a ring for a time, then to begin wearing a new set.
I know a beautiful woman who has a beautiful diamond wedding set that she wears. I always assumed that she
was married. Then she told me she was widowed several years ago. They are not her original wedding set, but
something she wears to say she is “not interested.” I am sure that if she had continued to wear the set from her
late husband, people, especially Christians, I am afraid, would have made it their “life’s goal” to get her to
“face reality” and to “move on” with her life as if she were living in denial.

Testimonies

“I put my wedding rings back on after my epartner and I agreed to pray about what to do. Since I put my rings on,
my husband seems more like my husband than ever before. When I focus on God and His Word instead of on the
situation, God works it out! Thank for your ministry and your willingness to be different than the world! We have
been separated for five years, and I did not call him—he called me! He has called more times and has been gentle
and sweet. I am amazed how God works when I do not try to do it myself! When I
recently went to visit my parents in another state, when I got back, he called me just to talk. He seemed like he
really missed me.”

Angela, Virginia

“My husband had quit wearing his wedding ring during the time he was threatening to file for divorce (for
months!). I did not confront him, but I continued to wear mine. Then, when he finally told me he was filing
the next day (the day after I found your website), I told him that I would not stand in his way. When I said
that, he gave a panicked glance at my left hand and relaxed after he saw I was still wearing mine. So, in our
case, although I did not “stand in his way,” the rings on my finger told him that I personally was not “moving
on” without him. He ended up NOT filing the next day, which he told me three days later—PTL!”
Jan, Colorado

QUESTION: [Present Marital Status: divorced. My husband has remarried.] Do you not recommend that
people continue to wear their wedding rings after remarriage has occurred?

ANSWER:
No, don’t wear your rings since your husband is remarried. Once there is a divorce in the
remarriage, then you can put them back on. In the meantime, wear something that shows you are not available
and not interested.

QUESTION: [State: Kansas. Current Marital Status: divorced; My spouse is now remarried.] Why do you
say a person should not wear their wedding rings once their spouse has remarried? I wear mine as a reminder
that I am not allowed to remarry (Matt 5:32, Rom 7:2–3). To remove them, I feel, would leave me open to
temptation; it would be like telling the world that I am free to enter into another relationship, which I am not.
I live in a college town and attend college full time. I attend a singles Bible study to be with people my own
age; my church doesn’t have a women’s Bible study.
128 Questions & Answers
ANSWER: This is a good question. The reason for my guidance is based on the following verse: “Yet if the
unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has
called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). It usually angers a husband who is remarried, or even one who has left,
when his wife continues to “hang on” by wearing her wedding rings. It basically is a sign of rebellion.
However, when I was faced with this dilemma, the Lord led me to purchase an inexpensive wedding band
from Wal-Mart and wear it. My husband did ask why I was now wearing “that” ring and I explained that I
was not interested in being available to anyone else. My husband was encouraging me, even pushing me, to
find someone new. I didn’t want to not agree, so I humbled myself and said that because of how rotten I was
as a wife (that it caused him to have to find someone new) I didn’t think it would be right to subject anyone
else to the same punishment. This seemed to satisfy him.
QUESTION: How is it that my husband will see that I have let go if he sees me wearing my wedding rings?
His mistress is angry that I wear them. Isn’t wearing them a public statement that I am trying to restore my
marriage? The first time we were separated I told him I would not take them off. I did when he showed no
interest of returning home. He was seeing someone at the time and I did not know it. He came home for two
months and then left again. He says he craves the attention that she gives him.

ANSWER: When our spiritual battles become public, then we’ve lost. The battle then is not only in the spirit,
but the flesh “his mistress is angry.” I share about how I foolishly began a fight (verbal—in the flesh) with the
OW in the videos. It almost prevented me from making it through my last month before restoration. “But you,
when you pray, go into your inner room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in
secret, and your Father who sees in secret will repay you” (Matt. 6:6). If you want the Lord to bless you, you
must not make your battles public.
Your husband’s statement about craving the OW’s attention shows that you have failed to meet his needs in
this area as his wife. Men will crave attention and admiration when they don’t get it from their wives. Pray for
an opportunity to bless him and ask the Lord to give you the right words so your husband will know you are
sincere.
QUESTION: I am divorced. I am still confused about “Letting Go.” I am trying to discern how to completely
let go and at the same time show my ex-husband unconditional love. There is no wall of hate between us. We
are friends and we talk regularly; however, he divorced me and is now in another relationship. I still wear my
wedding ring and he has not mentioned it. Is it a sign to him that I am not letting go?
ANSWER: No. I wore a ring the entire time my husband was gone. It was not a threat to him because I had
been clear about letting him go. Since there is no hate wall between you, then your husband must KNOW that
he is free. The signs that you have not let go are: a hate wall, continual verbal attacks and belittling from the
wayward spouse, etc.
Once you are friends and talk regularly, you have made it into the “spring” season of your relationship; the
winter is gone. If your husband does mention the ring, what I told my husband was that I wore it to ward off
any men who would think that I was available. Many widows that want to stay unavailable do the same thing.
Usually, this answer is sufficient, unless there has not been a letting go. In which case, the wife will need to
remove it for a time or until restoration—at the request of her husband.
 18
|

Divorce And Litigation

All Scripture is inspired by God
and profitable for teaching,
for reproof, for correction,
for training in righteousness.
—2 Timothy 3:16

The following letters are from a web column that we used to have on our website, which we now use to
compile our Q&A books and videos. These questions deal specifically with the subject of divorce. For more
help, we also have a complete book of all the questions and answers from the three years this column
appeared on our site called Questions and Answers that will give you the practical applications for the
principles in How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and A Wise Woman.

Since discontinuing our Q&A Column, we have put together our Restoration Fellowships and Home
Fellowships to serve the same need. If after reading this book and Questions and Answers, you still have
questions, I would encourage you to become a member of our Internet RMI Restoration Fellowship or one of
our Home Fellowships. Due to our growth, I no longer am personally able to answer questions sent to our
ministry, but have trained marriage representatives who can answer your questions and suggest other
resources to help you in your situation.
Note: When submitting a question for possible publication, the member was asked to fill out a questionnaire.
We have included some of this information, where applicable, which will be in italics right under the header.

[State: Illinois; I am presently: Married; My husband left. My husband lives with someone else; a divorce has
QUESTION:
been filed.] Erin, my husband is going into court on a pretrial motion, I am frightened. I have been seeking
God's help on what to do. My husband wants the divorce and wants to settle. I do not want to go to court
either, but someone has to represent me. I have a lawyer. I need help. When I have been praying, I feel God
wants me to stand still and wait for him to move his hand. I trust in God with all my being, but what can I do
about the issue of being represented?

ANSWER: Before you do ANYTHING, release your attorney

and reread Chapter 13 of the Restore Your
Marriage book.

To find out whether you have to be in this pretrial meeting, contact the office where you are to appear. Tell
them that you have released your attorney and you are NOT contesting the divorce. Ask that you be released
from having to appear, and tell them that WHATEVER your husband wants you already AGREE to. Unless you
have been "served" legal papers requiring you to go, just don't move.

If you have been served, and will be in contempt if you don't appear, then you go, but DON'T SEND AN
ATTORNEY TO REPRESENT YOU! When asked anything, agree with whatever your husband has said or
130 Questions & Answers
wants. It's as simple as that.

The fear that you are experiencing has turned to panic. It is a tool the devil will use to cause you to react
hastily and do foolish, IRREVERSIBLE damage to your situation. You must seek the Lord for peace. MANY
other women have faced this VERY SAME situation and God has protected them. He is testing your faith, but
at this moment you are failing the test.
Your marriage can be restored, even if God allows the divorce to go through. Mine went through; others
stopped right at the courthouse.
PLEASE get alone with the Lord. And be sure you are not talking to anyone who is fueling your panic attack
with his or her opinions and poor advice. God is all you need. He is MORE THAN ABLE to take care of the
whole thing!
I noticed you read the book only once. You need to read it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Reading it just once
will not RENEW your mind. Those who gained victory in their marriages and had a "peace that surpassed
ALL understanding" were those who literally wore their book out!!
I have released my attorney. My husband has said nothing, but he is beginning to call
QUESTION:
periodically again. He seems much friendlier!!!! He even asked for my work number. Do you think that
releasing the attorney will help bring down the hate walls? I feel more peace in my heart since I did this!!!!
The Lord has blessed my husband with the opportunity for a teaching position, which came through me. My
husband is ecstatic about it. Do you think this is one of the blessings you were speaking of?
ANSWER: Yes!! The teaching position, through YOU, along with you both now being on the same side in
this divorce stuff (his side), has certainly begun to bring the hate wall down!! Praise the Lord! Now, as you
continue to walk in more and more obedience and meekness, you will see the "wall" come down more and
more. Once down, you will be able to pour unconditional love on him which NEVER FAILS!!
Since your divorce has not yet gone through (and hopefully NEVER WILL), you and your husband can still
be intimate. Make sure he KNOWS that you are available! Not in what you say, per se, but in your look and
response to him. A woman knows how to let a man know when she is interested. You may want to replay
video number four and listen to my husband’s response as he shares what drew him back to me. I'll be waiting
for a Praise Report!

QUESTION: [State: California; Present Marital Status: my husband is divorcing me.] The Lord has
reaffirmed Hab. 2:1-4 and has told me that He would save my husband and set us free. I have already signed
the papers, but apparently, they were mixed up. I will be obedient to the Lord and thus to my husband. I plan
to have the paper notarized and will send it to my husband after I move. My prayers have been that I am
willing to lose everything so my husband would be saved, and he is tired of needing to help me every month.
He still doesn't want to be married, even though he misses me.
ANSWER: Did YOU instigate the resigning? Or was it your husband or your husband's attorney? The reason
I asked is because VERY OFTEN a "mix up" is the result of answered prayers and the divorce is dropped.
The way you said it, "I will be obedient to the Lord and thus to my husband. I plan to have the paper notarized
and will send it to my husband after I move. My prayers have been that I am willing to lose everything . . . he
is tired of needing to help me every month," leads me to believe you signed them as some sort of righteous
deed that YOU instigated.
131 18. Divorce and Litigation
Your comment about your husband being tired of needing to help you concerns me, because it may indicate
that you are more concerned with pleasing your husband than with pleasing the Lord OR that you are still
asking your husband for help.
But what I would like to address at this time are the many concerns I have with your Questionnaire. Let me
begin with the validity of this marriage.
Drawing from MANY things I read on your questionnaire, I wonder if you are suppose to restore your
marriage to this “husband.”
Since the marriage was a result of adultery.
It being your husband’s second marriage.
The fact that you are in a single’s group.
Your husband is a non-believer, and you were a believer when you married him.
The children you have with you are not from this marriage.

Maybe your husband still, in God's eyes, is married to his first wife. Which would mean your husband is
committing adultery with you, and YOU are still single but have fornicated since you are not married.
Matthew 5:32 reads: “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for {the} cause of
unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:9 reads: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries
another woman commits adultery.”
Mark 10:11: “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery
against her.’”
Mark 10:12: “And if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”

Luke 16:18: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries one
who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.”
Is your husband’s first wife unmarried at present? If she has remarried, I would ask that you still seek God as
to whether or not you should restore your marriage. You may have married this married man while the man
you should have married is still out there for you. Was there someone else at the time you became involved
with this married man, or did someone appear afterwards? You did mention you dated someone since being
separated. And your husband has asked you not to wear your ring. Proverbs 16:33 reads: “The lot is cast into
the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.”
You are not the first woman that I have counseled in this way. This ministry’s intention is NOT to restore just
any marriage, but to help discern the will of God concerning each marriage He sends our way. One woman,
who is now happily married, was the unmarried adulteress. In other words, she had lured a married man away
from his wife and married him. When she found the truth in God’s word, she purposed to help restore her
husband’s marriage to his first wife, which she did. (She had even had a child by this man). There was another
man that she was intending to marry when she became involved with this married man. She married him and
her (new) husband lovingly accepted her child and may have already adopted her by this time.

NOTE: For those reading this column, if you or your husband are in a second or subsequent marriage, as it
states in the Restore Your Marriage book, you must SEEK the Lord concerning restoring your marriage that is
132 Questions & Answers
now failing or has fallen apart.
Some ministries, because of the confusion and because most of their marriages are first marriages, have made
it their doctrine that ONLY first marriages are ACKNOWLEDGED by God. Some have named them
“covenant marriages” based on the book of Malachi. However, we have NOT done so for many reasons. One,
because God DOES recognize second and subsequent marriages (See Deut. 24:1-4). If God hadn’t recognized
this woman’s second marriage as a remarriage, then the woman would have been in adultery and consequently
would have been stoned. Secondly, I have seen MANY women have a second or subsequent marriage
restored by God. All sought the Lord and were willing to remain unmarried or go back to her first husbands,
but GOD restored that second or subsequent marriage! God has made no special formula or guidelines since
we were asked to live by grace rather than putting ourselves under the law. This was His plan in order for us
to SEEK the leading of the Holy Spirit. This is what I HOPE this Q & A column does—cause you to SEEK
HIM!!

PLEASE, please do NOT write and ask me to tell you which marriage you should try to restore or what wife
belongs to your husband, since he has been married six times! SEEK Him!!!
QUESTION: [State: Illinois; Current Marital Status: married; my husband lives with someone else; A
divorce has been filed; I have an attorney; my husband is in adultery.] Erin, the divorce my husband filed is
starting to go forward. My husband is in an affair and the woman is real pushy. My husband never calls or
comes over. I think that the affair is pushing the divorce. If the divorce goes through, which I am praying it
won’t and if my husband marries the other woman, should I stop my stand for my marriage? Is this the point I
should stop hoping for the restoration of my marriage? I have prayed to God and feel He wants me to keep
praying and wait.

ANSWER: My hope is that the divorce won’t even go through. But that may depend solely on you. Why
have you not dropped your attorney? “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits
with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Cor. 6:7). If Jesus is Lord of
your life, why do you not trust Him enough to protect and defend you? “Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the
man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength” since He knows this will cause your heart to turn
“away from the LORD” (Jer. 17:5).
You know the truth, since you read the book, but it is not enough. You MUST apply what you have learned.
James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows (the) right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.” It's not
enough to say Jesus is Lord, your actions say that He is NOT. Luke 6:46, “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord,
Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”
If you begin to trust and obey Him now, you will not have to worry about your husband remarrying. You are
EXACTLY where I was. The divorce did go through; but well before it did, my NOT contesting and NOT
having counsel brought great conviction into my husband’s heart. The other woman was the one who called
the attorney, paid for the attorney, and pushed my husband to pursue the divorce even though his heart had
changed towards me. Proverbs 5:4, “But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.”
But God used it for my good because I trusted Him. He was faithful to bless me, because I was faithful to trust
in Him! My husband’s eyes were opened to the fact that this other woman was like I USED to be—PUSHY.
Had I not changed, he may have dropped her after the divorce and found someone else, but it WOULDN’T
have been ME!

QUESTION: [State: Texas; Current Marital Status: married but separated; my husband is divorcing me.] I
am presently working through the workbook, but searched for answers to Questions (ordered the tapes today).
My husband says in Texas I must respond to papers or they default, which he doesn’t want. He wants me to
133 18. Divorce and Litigation
review them and respond. I’ve looked at them to be submissive, but I am concerned. The papers are unfair,
plus I feel that means I agree to divorce. He wants me to sign the papers but hasn’t demanded either. If I am to
respond to papers, should I get an attorney’s help or self represent? Please advise, I want to do right.
ANSWER: Default means that the divorce will still go through, and everything stated in the papers will be
granted just as he has requested.
The next time your husband contacts you about the papers, make sure you are “prayed up” and have fasted
(three days for favor if you have time). Sweetly, explain about the issue of default as I have stated, and then
ask that he allow you NOT to sign them. Explain that you have made so many mistakes and that you don’t
want to make any more. But, if he insists, you will. His reasons for wanting you to look over the papers and
sign them, is to ease his conscience. No one feels right about hitting someone who won’t defend him or
herself.
Do NOT get an attorney for any reason. That is when you will lose. We have to be willing to allow ourselves
to be pushed up to the “Red Sea” and trust that God will perform a miracle. If instead, we look to man for
help, we will ultimately perish.

QUESTION: [State: Florida; Current Marital Status: married but separated; I have an attorney.] The other
woman my husband is emotionally (supposedly not sexually) involved with is twice divorced, has a 13 year
old son and parents who are supporting her relationship with my married husband. I have prayed God will
bring all the adults in this picture into conviction for their parts in the destruction of my family and that they
will find salvation. Should I pray that God would rescue that child from a home where he is being taught it is
okay to destroy your own family and the families of others?
(Sometimes, we Christians make praying so complicated. When I was seriously seeking the restoration of my
marriage, I sought the Lord and tried to direct my prayers, since I really didn’t know what to do.

I prayed Scriptures that the Lord illuminated to me when I was reading my Bible.)

ANSWER: I must tell you, I too, prayed for conviction to come to all who were involved in encouraging, or
condoning my husband’s adultery. Only my husband ever became convicted—none of the others. I would
suggest that you concentrate your prayers on your husband’s heart.

In reference to the 13-year-old boy, children need to be with their parents, so you wouldn’t want to pray for
him to be “rescued.” However, praying blessings over the parents is scriptural. Matthew 5:44: “But I say to
you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . . .”

Also, God said not to go into court. Why do you have an attorney? First Corinthians 6:7 states, “Actually,
then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why
not rather be defrauded?”

Luke 6:46 reads, “And why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”

QUESTION: [State: Pennsylvania; Current Marital Status: married but separated; I have an attorney; I am in
a support group: the name of the support group is Covenant Keepers.] Instead of just submitting regarding
selling the house, I told my husband I was submitting, because I believe it is right to and apologize for not
doing so in past. His email stated that I should NOT submit to him and MUST make up my OWN mind. We
don’t have children; he wants to sell our home, buy one in a different state, and have children with the OW. I
want to submit and not blow it again. (Regarding the question above, I can’t tell if he’s angry; we only email.
He’s seen a counselor to get “closure” and “move on with his life.”)
134 Questions & Answers

ANSWER:
A man HATES when his wife tells him she is submitting. Wives are to just DO IT. When a wife
tells her husband she is submitting, she is acting like a Pharisee and greatly hindering her hopes of restoration.
Matthew 6:5, “. . . in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. I believe this
“Pharisee spirit” is the number one reason why so many of those seeking restoration are never restored.
You mentioned that your support group is Covenant Keepers. So many of those who are attending these
support groups seem to be Pharisees—at least the ones I come in contact with. I think this spirit is catching. I
do not believe that it is coming from the foundation of the group itself, but that the “support group” setting
attracts Pharisees. They LOVE to share their sufferings and have people pity them. If you spend time around
this kind of person, you too, will pick up the same attitudes and responses. Proverbs 14:7, “Leave the presence
of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge.” First Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: Bad
company corrupts good morals.”

I saw so much of this same thing when Restore Ministries had “support” groups; that’s why I stopped them
and encouraged “classes.” But so many want to make classes into support groups.
For right now, email your husband back and apologize for your “religious” response. Tell him the truth is, that
you trust whatever decisions he makes will be the right ones. Leave all “church” talk and comments out. I
really wish you had the Be Encouraged tapes. It would really help you to hear the different ways that the Lord
led me to respond to day-to-day confrontations.
Of course, after you “agree,” you need to pray that God will protect you and your children and deliver you
from any of your husband’s “plans” that are not His will. Use these verses:
“The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps” (Prov. 16:9).

“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” (Prov. 16:33).

“Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose
heart turns away from the LORD. For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity
comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant. Blessed is the man
who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD” (Jer. 17:5-7).
QUESTION: [State: Florida; Current Marital Status: married but separated; would you say Jesus is your
Lord? No; Do you have a designated quiet time with the Lord? No] My husband went to court today. The
judge is giving me 10 days to meet with my husband and his attorney. My husband is offering me 10 years of
alimony, and never be able to take him to court for revision of alimony. If I do not meet and agree with my
husband and his attorney, the judge will decide in a month. I feel so doubtful this marriage can be restored.
Should I meet with my husband and his attorney?
ANSWER: Yes, and agree to the terms or any new ones that are offered. Go with the Lord as your counselor
and ask Him to “defend you” in the spirit realm where the real battle is being fought.
If you can believe that your marriage will be restored, the details of the alimony settlement aren’t important.

What makes you doubt that your marriage can be saved? Faith is things unseen. Do you believe God is not
able? Do you feel unworthy? None of us deserve a restored marriage. But unless you have unconfessed sin in
your life, God can restore your marriage.

Your doubt is probably found in that Jesus is not Lord of your life (as you stated on the Questionnaire.). You
135 18. Divorce and Litigation
can make Him Lord right now by giving Him your life. He bought me with a price, and now I am no longer
my own. It was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life!! You can know Him personally by spending time
in His Word. Read the Psalms, they tell of His power. Read Song of Solomon, these are His letters to you. He
loves you, I know. He is with you right now and wants an intimate relationship with you. Are you willing?
QUESTION: I am working in the workbook now. I have 12 days per the court papers. No assets are
stipulated in the papers, but my husband has a draft for me to review, which is hard. He doesn’t want default.
My husband appears softer and more open to talk. A few times, he seems to doubt but not now. He asked
about assets last night, but I’m unsure how to handle this. I’m praying that he will see changes in me and will
stop the divorce. He thinks he cannot be happy at home. Still away from Lord. Need miracle! Looks bad and
hurts!
ANSWER: Whatever is on the papers, agree to it. They will not matter once the Lord restores your marriage.
As long is there is ANY division and your husband feels struggles instead of oneness, the divorce, in his eyes,
is necessary for his happiness.

Also, in the spirit realm the division between a husband and wife is the open door or the crack by which the
devil can gain access and steal, kill, and destroy. The most important thing that a wife who desires and is
seeking restoration can do is to stay “in agreement” with her husband. This will prevent any “cracks” that the
devil could use for entry.
As far as the Lord delivering you BEFORE the divorce date, He may or may not. Will your faith only survive
if He delivers you? Or are you confident that with your faith in the Lord that you can make it "through" the
fire? You will only find this confidence in Him if you have a designated quiet time. Get one and keep it
faithfully.
If you truly want restoration, you will have to go the extra mile and be determined to not only give your coat
but your shirt also, if you ever hope for restoration. I have witnessed one thing in those that have been
restored—RADICAL and UNQUESTIONED obedience!!

Embrace and run with all that the Lord shows you to do. During your quiet time, He will show you the way.
Then obey radically.
QUESTION: My husband has served me with divorce papers. He has no grounds for a divorce; he just
doesn’t want to be married. The law entitles me to half of his money. He’s absolutely FURIOUS over the idea
of my getting half. I have no idea what he has. He kept that from me. Should I settle for less than half in hope
that he will return? Should I take what is entitled to me, and still hope for his return?
ANSWER: First of all, your statement “He has no grounds for divorce, he just doesn’t want to be married”
needs to be addressed. Your husband may not have “legal grounds,” but he certainly must have a reason. No
one walks away from a commitment, no one. If you believe that he has no “grounds,” then you must go to the
Lord and ask him your husband’s reasons to you. Most men who make the statement, “I just don’t want to be
married,” have become involved with another woman. (And please don’t go looking for evidence of another
woman. Take my word for it, and get on your face before the Lord, NOW!) This is the time to cry out to the
Lord, not to worry about settlements!

However, since you asked, whatever the law entitles you to, you do not have to take. Instead, if you are
interested in restoration, you need to show your husband through your attitude and actions that you trust him
to give you what “he feels” you should have. Don't use terms like “what is fair?” These verses may help you:
Matthew 5:40, “And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And
136 Questions & Answers
whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away
from him who wants to take from you.”
He must know that you care about him, and if the thought of the law entitling you to half of his money is
making him angry, it can’t be good. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God”
(Matt. 5:9).

And please make sure you do not have an attorney. If you have one, release him/her immediately! No
excuses!
QUESTION: I have read the book and workbook and watched all the videos. Before I read your books, my
husband filed for divorce and I hired an attorney against my better judgment. The case arbitrated which means
a settlement is agreed upon, so I signed the proposed arbitration agreement. Since I read the books, my
attorney wants me to sign the divorce judgment. Since this is so far gone, is there any purpose in dismissing
my attorney? Should I sign? Also, my husband is in and out of the hospital with kidney stones. Should I visit,
call, or send a card?
ANSWER: At whatever point that the truth reaches us, we are then accountable to obey or disobey God’s
Word. First Corinthians 6:7 asks this question, “Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have
lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” I ask you the same
question. One of our most recent restorations occurred when a woman dismissed her attorney just two weeks
before her court date. THE DIVORCE NEVER WENT THROUGH. She walked IN FAITH and God
rewarded her. Because God has the ability to look at the heart of the one who is following His principles, this
usually determines the outcome. Many women who write want a “written guarantee” from me that IF THEY
DO . . . then their husband will . . .” God’s Word is guaranteed. I can make no guarantees. I am merely a
servant of the Lord.

As to whether you should visit, send cards, or call your husband is determined by your relationship with him.
Has he asked you to call him, or has he made it clear he no longer wants a relationship with you? To pursue
someone who is ATTEMPTING to get away will only intensify his demise for you. If, however, you are still
close, then send him flowers, call to see if he got them, and ask him if he would like a visit. If he says “no” to
anything, or sounds as if he is tired or doesn’t want to talk, GET OFF THE PHONE—QUICKLY!

QUESTION: We DON’T have children. For years, I was depressed, anxious, controlling, didn’t want
children (too overwhelming when I had no energy). By God’s grace, I am now healthy and have normal
desires, energy, and behavior. I know I was a horrible wife, and I regret it! Any additional advice based on 1)
his desire to have kids with the OW and two) his family’s and counselor’s encouraging him to “move on with
life” with the OW? He has a strong desire to please mom, who despises me, and likes the OW (he told me
this). I know our situation is not too big for God.
ANSWER: First, you need to get the hate wall down completely. If he is still “slightly” angry, it is too much.
Simply releasing your attorney will do this. If you are on one side and your husband is on the other, the hate
wall will never come down, but will increase with the help of your attorneys.

Once the hate wall is down, and then God can begin to turn your husband's heart. He will begin to come
around more often. When the past comes up, then you can use that as an opportunity to confess and repent for
the kind of wife you used to be.

This should lead to God fulfilling your desire for children. If you are not divorced, then intimacy with your
husband can produce “fruit”! First Samuel 1:5 says, “. . . but the LORD had closed her womb.” God closed
 18. Divorce and Litigation 137
Hannah’s womb, but opened it as she sought the Lord.
As far as your mother-in-law, you have an opportunity right now to turn this around. On the “Be Encouraged”
videos, I share in depth about my bad relationship with my father-in-law and how the Lord led me to fast “for
favor” three days and how God performed a miracle! He became my advocate!! Impossible, but true!!!
Watching or listening to the tapes would bless you.
QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed.] Your ministry advises against hiring an attorney. My husband told
me that he wanted me to hire one. He wants me to have my own representation. What should I do?
ANSWER: Have you made it clear to your husband that you will trust him in his dealings? Have you
conveyed that you, therefore, feel that hiring an attorney would not only be costly, but could result in a battle
between your attorney and his? You certainly would not want that to happen.

With this shared, more than likely your husband will not insist that you get an attorney. If however, he does,
then it would be wise for you to ask him to hire (or select) one for you. If he follows through and does obtain
an attorney for you, then you need to ask your husband the same questions the attorney asks you, to find out
how your husband would want you to answer.
The most important thing right now is that you get on the same side—HIS. This usually results in the divorce
never going to court!
QUESTION: My brother-in-law is definitely not following your recommended course of action. They have
been to numerous counselors, and each now has his/her own respective attorney. As I look at the whole
situation, I am left wondering what our role is in all of this. I believe that God calls us to love to them, and
yet, my sister’s continuous, blatant disobedience leaves me wanting to avoid her company at any cost. We see
fruit in the life of my brother-in-law. He has truly shown a desire to reconcile. I mentioned to him the idea of
firing his attorney, and he said he would definitely think about it. My sister has not shown any remorse or
regret for her actions. Does that mean we stay away from any contact with either of them?

ANSWER: Oh, how I hate to see families fall apart and become just another statistic. I suppose there was no
way to really help this precious couple “through” you. It really does take the effort of one of the persons
involved to see a change. However, prayer, really sold out prayer, can totally and radically change even the
most hopeless situations. Matthew 17:20 says, “And He said to them, ‘Because of the littleness of your faith;
for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to
there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you.’” Never give up praying. James 5:16 says, “.
. . The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”

The remorse that you are looking for in your sister is very rarely seen in situations like this. We tell those that
are hoping for restoration not to look for it, because it is a faith walk. My husband was not remorseful, even
after he returned home, and this is common. The trial is not over once the “other person” is out of the picture,
or the husband is home. The “refining” fire stays hot until the one hoping for restoration is totally
transformed.

As far as your brother-in-law being a young Christian, we see young and old believers restored. It just takes
doing things “God’s way” versus the “world’s” way:
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man,
who built his house upon the rock” (Matt. 7:24).
138 Questions & Answers
“And everyone who hears these words of Mine, and does not act upon them, will be like a foolish man, who
built his house upon the sand” (Matthew 7:26).
How best to help—prayer of course, and then being there if either is seeking your help. Unless they are
“seeking help,” it does more harm to “try” to give it. Proverbs 29:1 says, “A man who hardens {his} neck
after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.”

QUESTION: My brother-in-law has decided not to release his attorney. He will not take the chance of
allowing his children to live with his ex and another man. He also has had a change of heart and is not
interested in reconciliation.

ANSWER: When I read your letter, my spirit just grieved. Knowing what lies ahead for this family lays
heavy on my heart.
When the decision is made to choose an attorney (the flesh), over trusting in the Lord when it comes to the
welfare of the children, God tells us what will be the outcome in 2 Chronicles 15 and 16. King Asa had trusted
the Lord and had come out victorious in every enemy attack. Then, for the first time, he chooses to trust in
treaties and appeals; this is when we read the verse we have all heard many times in 2 Chronicles 16:9, “For
the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is
completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars.”
I have witnessed so many divorces and seen so many Christians, believing they were doing the “right thing,”
chose to “protect” their children through their attorney, courts, or litigation. Unfortunately, this results in shear
destruction for the children. Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in
mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD.”
I wasn't surprised to hear that once your brother-in-law chose to keep his attorney that he no longer really
desired or was seeking reconciliation. The above verse is so true. When we seek mankind and the flesh to
fight for us, our heart naturally turns away from the Lord, and we lose His heart, which has always been for
reconciliation. Second Corinthians 5:18-19 states, "Now all (these) things are from God, who reconciled us to
Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling
the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of
reconciliation.”

To really fight (the world's way—attorney, etc.) for the “protection” of their children, the believing husband
would need to speak against their own flesh (their own wife or husband). This is slander. And Psalms 101:5
says, "Whoever slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy . . .” Now, the believer is put in the position of being
on God’s “hit list.” That’s just what the enemy had in mind as he continued to instill fear into their hearts; to
push them to take matters into their own hands and “fight” for what they thought was right. But God says
something different. He is truth; the devil is a liar. God says:
“. . . do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. And
if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to
go one mile, go with him two” (Matthew 5:39-41).

God promises to fight for those who follow these scriptures.

Even if they do win complete custody the world’s way, the husband who loses custody many times feels they
have only one remedy: to kidnap their own children. Statistics say that 90 percent of missing children are now
living with a non-custodial parent.
139 18. Divorce and Litigation

If they do work out “an arrangement,” the children live in doublemindedness and become “unstable in all their
ways” (James 1:7). Both households are completely different: different rules, expectations, etc., not to
mention, the two households are often at war with one another, and these precious children are caught in the
middle. First Kings 3:25, “And the king said, ‘Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half
to the other.’”

Usually the children’s grades drop at school, and then discipline problems begin. Hours of counseling are
sought as a solution, but counseling will NEVER change anything for the better since the root “cause” is
never rectified.

There is no way a husband can protect his/her children from a husband who has fallen into adultery or sin.
The only way is to help deliver the husband “caught” in adultery through the love that never fails, prayer,
fasting that can break every enslaving yoke, and seeking the Lord by standing in the gap.

Statistics and personal acquaintances prove that this is true and that this is the only right course. The Bible is
NEVER wrong for His Word IS truth.
It truly grieves me, as I know it does you. Isn’t it sad and tragic for all who are involved in this divorce? May
the Lord give you peace during your grief.
QUESTION: Erin, you mentioned that you have seen people who were doing everything right, but their
marriages still were not restored. That in a lot of cases they still had a heart condition that was wrong.
I received my divorce certificate, and I am now really divorced. Erin, can you maybe pray, and find out from
God whether I have a heart condition that is hindering my restoration.
I feel so let down, because I have done what was expected of me—I had no attorney, I did not fight the
divorce, I have forgiven, and been kind and submissive, I have stopped being intimate with him, I have lost
weight, and you said that this is a sign of a broken and contrite heart. Still, I must be doing something wrong.

ANSWER: Yes, there is a heart condition that is in need of change. After answering several of your
questions, it is now easy to see why your marriage is not restored.
Your initial letters gave the appearance of a strong and committed believer out to finish the race set before
her. Later, rebellion was uncovered. When you realized it, instead of bringing yourself to humility, there was
a period of time that you, in a way, blamed God for it—like He had let you down. This is a grave and serious
heart problem.
Then, there were several days’ hesitation on obedience; another serious heart condition. It seems that you care
more about your marriage being restored than you do about being obedient, meek, and quiet. But those are the
things that restore a marriage.

When I entered into the “race” for my marriage, I, too, began it with my marriage as my goal—for me. But
very soon, I began running it for Him, for my Lord. He had entered me in the race to change me. He became
everything to me. And even as things got worse and worse, He could not let me down, because He owed me
nothing. And if He never restored my marriage, I would still have praised Him and done everything I had
done because He was worth it and He deserved it.

I never deserved, nor earned, a restored marriage. I am too much of a sinner and a wretch. But God, in His
140 Questions & Answers
mercy, gave me one. It was through the suffering that I learned obedience, which gave me the right heart
toward Him, which was His goal all along.
141 18. Divorce and Litigation
QUESTION: My husband just told me that he and the OW have decided to get married. I said nothing to him
but OK. Yes, I ran to God first and will continue to run to Him with all of my heart. Help . . . what do I do
now?
ANSWER: Stay in the Lord’s presence seeking Him. Have you seen your husband’s heart turned back to
you? The stages are:
NO MORE ARGUMENTS. There can be NO arguments or strife in any conversations with your husband.

LETTING GO. Once the husband knows that they are FREE to go, that you will not pursue, then this, along
with the rest from strife, will bring the anger wall down.
YOU'RE DIFFERENT. The gentle and quiet person emerges and your husband is drawn back to you.
However, the cords of his sin are still usually holding him and may be pulling him toward a divorce and a new
marriage, but his heart is NOT in it. You are still intimate and you show unconditional love.

DIVORCE. Possibly a divorce goes through; but you give your shirt, coat, go the extra mile, allow yourself to
be defrauded, and release or never get an attorney. Because of your loving response to the evil done to you,
your husband begins to feel conviction. Also, troubles are mounting in the enemy's camp, and the OW begins
to take on a bitter and sharp tongue. However, you have now captured the gentle and quiet spirit, which is
precious in the sight of God. You smile at the future knowing your hope is in Him.

REMARRIAGE PLANS—When the enemy comes in "roaring" about a possible remarriage, your heart is
fixed. You know your husband doesn’t really want it, but you are content to live a life of singleness with the
Lord since you are really “in love” with Him.

I hope this helps.

QUESTION: You take a very strong stand against hiring an attorney, and that Jesus is our counselor. That
would seem to me like the same mentality, which says it is wrong to go to a doctor if you are sick, that Jesus
is our healer. You really do take a strong position on this, which is fine. Those are your convictions. Why
would hiring an attorney destroy your chances of having your marriage restored?
ANSWER: It is not impossible for God to restore a marriage when a lawyer is involved. However, most
marriages never survive this battle in court. Most men, whose wives have gotten an attorney, are extremely
bitter and refuse to even associate with them.

Also, when you hire someone to speak for you, you are ultimately responsible for what they say and how they
say it. I have ministered to many women who, through tears, explained how their attorney handled their case
in a way they never would have wanted it handled. Then, they say they wish they had known to release their
attorney before the case went to court.
Nevertheless, God can restore a marriages IN SPITE OF our mistakes; ESPECIALLY those done in
ignorance. Yet, God also says that we will reap the consequences of our ignorance.
The other reason why I take such a strong stand against a woman having her own attorney is because I have
seen marriages NEVER GO TO DIVORCE court when a woman was obedient to His Word as stated in 1
Corinthians 6. In other words, the marriage was restored before the divorce went through! If you had seen this
happen time and time again, like I have, wouldn't you advise the same? I have my own powerful testimony
that I share on the videos. We are told that the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony is what
142 Questions & Answers
saves. Do you suppose that I should share something else? When each has their own representation, then they
are “divided,” and therefore their marriage will not stand.
I made other mistakes while in the midst of my marital crisis, yet in spite of these mistakes, God mercifully
restored my marriage. However, I would never KNOWINGLY lead someone the wrong way or in a way that I
would not or have not, walked myself; would you?

QUESTION: I’ve just been on your website and have ordered one of the Restoration Packets. However, as I
live overseas (in Beijing, China), it may be some weeks before I get the books, and I have some questions that
can’t wait. From reading the testimonies and praise reports on your site, I gather that you advise that lawyers
not be used. I would like to know why. My husband filed for divorce about four years ago, but because we
were both living overseas at the time, and because I steadfastly refused to “cooperate” and hired a lawyer to
drag things out, he moved back to the States, and is now pushing it through. We have a trial date set. He
recently sent me an email (the first time he’s initiated contact in more than four years) and offered me some
money if I would just agree to sign the papers.
ANSWER: By prolonging the divorce and fighting against it in the flesh, your husband’s anger and bitterness
has been steadily rising. To restore your marriage, you need God to turn his heart; but that cannot happen
when a heart is hardened.

Prior to doing anything, you need to pray and fast so that your spiritual man will be strong and your flesh
weak. You will also be able to hear the Holy Spirit much better.
At this point, you will only have ONE chance to go the extra mile and to give your husband your “coat” when
he has only asked for your “shirt.” You will also have this one chance to repent of your contentiousness
(Please read this chapter in the book BEFORE you send a response to your husband's request.).

Since the Bible says you are to “let the unbelieving leave” and are told not to “stand in the way or path of the
wicked,” then your violation of this principle has caused this dilemma.
At this point your husband is appealing to you to make a treaty in his attempt to be free of you. You do not
want to get entangled with a treaty (I will give you money, if you will release me), but instead you are to
release him freely and then bless him with repentance and giving your coat. You must pray about what is your
“coat”: money for legal fees, property, belongings . . . Ask the Lord!! He knows what it is that will touch your
husband’s heart. Whatever the Lord lays on your heart, do it.

I know that since you are overseas you cannot view the videos, but on one tape I explain that when I asked the
Lord how I was to bless my husband, the Lord laid on my heart to buy him cheap rubber zorries (flip-flops,
thongs). I stopped and bought these for 88¢ because he was walking around in summer wearing leather shoes,
as I had always bought them for him in the past. This act of kindness, led by the Lord, touched his heart. Also
on the videos, I tell how I was led to repent just before he went to court for the divorce. I prayed for the Lord
to show me what I had done that had hurt him, and He did. To me it seemed so minor, but when I repented of
it to him, my husband broke down and cried, and we hugged. It didn't stop the divorce from going through,
but it was what made him regret the divorce afterwards, which led to our restoration.
More than likely, the divorce will go through and go through fast, but if your ONE chance at dealing with
your husband is done in humility, true releasing, and sincere and broken repentance, then it should prick his
heart and then God can begin to turn it back to you. You will have to wait, and allow God to work while you
diligently renew your mind with the resources. Be diligent, because “the days are evil and your time is short.”
143 18. Divorce and Litigation
QUESTION: A divorce has been filed. I read your response to hiring a lawyer in a recent Q & A column. I
did hire a lawyer prior to being exposed to your ministry. I asked my husband if he’d like me to fire her, and
he said no, that I should have my own legal representation. I did settle for less than what the law entitled me
to, in order to maintain peace between us. I went as far as to tell him I didn’t want any money. He ended up
giving me some. He’s been calling me just to say hello. The divorce is going on. Did I do the right thing?
ANSWER: NO. If I had asked my husband, he would have told me the same thing. As a matter of fact, most
men WANT their wives to get attorneys so they can relieve themselves of the guilt. James 4:17 says this,
“Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.”

I have received so much mail, from so many women, giving all their reasons why they HAD TO HIRE AN
ATTORNEY.
The answer to everyone who wrote this type of letter IS THE SAME. NO EXCUSES!!

If you want the Lord to defend you, then you must do it HIS WAY!! It's not my way, it's HIS WAY! God
only gets the victory when HE ALONE defends us. Making treaties is exactly what Asa did, and it destroyed
him! Second Chronicles 16:9, “For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may
strongly support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on
you will surely have wars.”

Proverbs 1:20-29 says, “Wisdom shouts in the street, She lifts her voice in the square; At the head of the noisy
{streets} she cries out; At the entrance of the gates in the city, she utters her sayings: How long, O naive ones,
will you love simplicity? And scoffers delight themselves in scoffing, and fools hate knowledge? Turn to my
reproof, Behold, I will pour out my spirit on you; I will make my words known to you. Because I called, and
you refused; I stretched out my hand, and no one paid attention; And you neglected all my counsel, And did
not want my reproof; I will even laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your dread comes, When your
dread comes like a storm, And your calamity comes on like a whirlwind, When distress (and) anguish come
on you. Then they will call on me, but I will not answer; they will seek me diligently, but they shall not find
me, because they hated knowledge, and did not choose the fear of the LORD.”

So many of you ask for help. Then when wisdom from God’s Word is given, you find someway NOT TO
FOLLOW IT. But still, you expect restoration.
THEN, you write because things have gone awry. This is what happens when you don't accept God’s wisdom,
and then she (wisdom) will laugh at your calamity.
QUESTION: Erin, I am divorced and know God will bring my husband home. When God brings him home,
and since we are divorced, should we remarry as soon as he asks to come home? I am confused on this matter.
I don't recall you ever saying at what point and time did you and your husband remarry. I remember you
recalling the phone call asking if he can come home, and you went, met him, and gathered his items. Did you
remarry right away? My husband and I are closer with each day—I want to make sure I do it right.

ANSWER: In my case, only three weeks after the divorce, I had two people call me who said that while they
were praying, the Lord told them I was NOT divorced. I thought that MAYBE my husband hadn’t gone to
court and hadn’t told me, since I did not receive any final papers. I meekly asked him if he had gone, which he
replied “yes.” Confused, but knowing God was up to something, I again received another call, the third
conformation, from someone who heard this same thing! The next day, I saw the final papers when my
husband brought them by.
144 Questions & Answers
There was a BLATANT mistake right on the front page with our legal names. After prayer, I felt led to call
my husband’s attorney to tell him of the error. When I told him, he became EXTREMELY excited and
pressed me to find out if either of us had remarried (this was my husband’s intent as you know). When I
assured him no, he said emphatically, “Don’t. You are not legally divorced!” “However,” he went onto say,
“It is only a matter of filling a small paper that can make it legal.”
With this information, I, of course, was rejoicing in the incredible sovereignty of God!!! Had I gone to court
or had a lawyer, this blatant mistake would have never occurred; therefore, I was rejoicing, too, in God's grace
that enabled me to not go to court or get a lawyer.

Yet, here I was with this vital information not knowing what to do with it. I fasted and the truth began to gnaw
at me. I had to be upfront with my husband so that he would know the truth and also so he could make it legal
by just signing one paper.

That night after the children went to bed, when my husband was getting ready to leave, I told him. I was
shocked at his response. He was ecstatic! He said that God had delivered him from the biggest mistake of his
life!!! Then a grave concern covered his face as he said, “Erin, please don’t tell anyone about this! If word
gets back to ‘her’ then she will force me to make it legal!” I assured him I wouldn’t, and he left.
So much was revealed to me that day—that he was pushed into it, that she had been the one to pay for it, and
that my husband knew it was a mistake! But most of all, I learned that he had been delivered, and so had I!!
However, NOTHING was ever said after that. It was as if the divorce and our conversation never had
happened.
But, if you have seen our website, you know that God did answer my prayers for a big wedding. I had prayed
that we would have another wedding someday. GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!
Those who have had to legally “remarry” have done so differently.

One man moved back home into the spare bedroom, they planned a small ceremony at their church for the
following week. They were married and had a weekend honeymoon.
One couple took off work the next day at noon, went to the court house, got married, and the husband moved
his things in that night!
Some have stayed in their apartment and planned the wedding for a month later, sometimes two, so that more
people could witness their miracle.
They vary just as much as the testimony themselves.

Yet, ALWAYS, it was the way the husband felt most comfortable. The wife, happy to have a restored
marriage, was content with ANYTHING!
QUESTION: I am hurting bad and not sure what to do. I received the final papers for the divorce on Friday
in the mail. My husband does want me to sign them and return them to the lawyer, so it can be final by the
end of the month. I don’t understand why this is happening, because we still get along well. He is my best
friend, said he will help me with anything, and he will always be there for me. But he just doesn’t want to be
married. What else can I do? I continue reading and praying. I get very sick when I fast.

ANSWER: The fasting, with the side effect of feeling sick, will keep you quiet and leaning on the Lord.
145 18. Divorce and Litigation

As for signing the papers, have you checked to see whether the divorce will still go through if you don’t sign?
He would get all he wants by “default.” This is the way it is in most states, and I’m almost positive this is the
way it is in Tennessee also. If it is, then explain your reasoning to your husband as it was stated in the videos
that you’ve watched.
Also, since you have the videos you know that some marriages need to go through the divorce and some are
stopped at the courthouse. Trust the Lord and rest in Him. He is MORE THAN ABLE to bring this marriage
to restoration—either before or after the divorce.

Read these verses over and over until you are meditating on them.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways
acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Prov. 3:5-6).
“. . . Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD,
they will inherit the land” (Ps. 37:8).
“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a
tree (firmly) planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; And
in whatever he does, he prospers” (Ps. 1:2-3).

QUESTION: I signed a marital settlement agreement, which I did out of obedience to my husband. It was to
free money from his IRA, as I am on workman's compensation. He has been coming over almost every day
and tells me he loves me. He told me that he would keep me on his medical insurance until I return to work. I
found out my divorce was to be finalized this week! I called his lawyer, as I’d fired mine, and asked for a
mediation conference. I know my husband will be upset. He says he just doesn’t want to be married to
anyone, ever! Help!!!
ANSWER: I am not sure from your letter what exactly is happening or what you are asking.

But one of your statements clearly concerns me—“I called his lawyer, as I'd fired mine, and asked for a
mediation conference.” Mediation is very DANGEROUS—very much like counseling, only worse. It’s much
like when king Asa (in 2 Chronicles) went to talk treaties with his enemies instead of trusting God with the
outcome as he had done before.
Also, the only way your husband will get past the anger stage is by you demonstrating a spirit of
AGREEMENT. If he says that he doesn’t want to be married to anyone, and you won’t let go by showing him
that you understand and by releasing him, you will see your future without him.

Let him know, without any doubt, that he is free and that you love him so much that you want his happiness
above your own. Obviously, divorce is what will make him happy; therefore, he must know that you will not
stand in the way of the divorce proceedings.

STOP the mediation, if you can, and allow God to move on your behalf.

QUESTION: Well, I went to court today, and evidently today was not the day God has chosen to restore my
marriage. Now that the divorce is final, do I do anything different? Do I just keep praying daily a hedge of
thorns, for his restoration to the Lord, and for my personal growth? I still wait for opportunities to talk to him
and treat him with kindness and love—I still don’t contact him. All of that remains the same. Is there anything
146 Questions & Answers
different that I should do now? I must say that it seems impossible for the Lord to bring a man back who truly
doesn't want to come back, especially after a divorce has been granted—I have read and listened to “How God
Can and Will Restore My Marriage,” and watched the “Encourage” videos. As one who went through divorce,
did you just settle into the fact that you were divorced and go about your life (without moping or crying)?
ANSWER: The only difference is that if your husband were to want to be intimate, you would have to
LOVINGLY decline the invitation.
Don't forget that our marriage had to go through a divorce. The divorce did not affect me “moping or crying,”
but I was thoroughly knocked out when he said he was coming back and didn’t. It’s on our new testimony
tape.

Keep doing what you have been doing, and also make sure that you daily, or at least regularly, ask the Lord if
there is something He wants you to do or a way that He wants you to pray.
QUESTION: I received a call from my husband. He told me that he wants to get a divorce, and I told him
okay. Then he asked if I could get off work early so he could pick me up and go to the lawyer’s office. I said I
can’t get off early, and he said, “Well, maybe we can do this one day next week.” I said okay. He called two
minutes later and said that he really wants to get this over with. I told him that I would not fight him on this,
but he insists that we go together to the lawyer’s office. The more I told him that I would not fight him on the
divorce, he seemed to get more angry. Then I just said okay, we can go together, and he was okay after that.
Why is it so important that I go with him to the lawyer’s office? Did I handle the situation in line with God's
word? I have started reading your book God Can Restore Your Marriage.
ANSWER: Yes. We wives are to be submissive to our husbands, as unto the Lord or as fitting to the Lord.
When our husbands are disobedient to the word, we are told to win them without a word, by our respectful
behavior. In other words, not by disagreeing with them or telling them what they are doing is wrong.
However, we must not stop there. We must CRY OUT to God for Him to deliver us from what is being asked
of us.

In addition, we must be walking in humility and with a gentle and quiet spirit. If we have the same
contentious attitude, arrogant attitude, or any other personality trait that was the result of his leaving and
wanting the divorce, we cannot and should not expect that our husbands will have a change of heart.

So often, God does change the heart of a husband; however, the lack of change in the wife makes the man
choose to stay away rather than come back and stop the divorce. This is when the will takes over. That is why
the books talk so much about changing ourselves, not just expecting the Lord to change our husbands.

QUESTION: I just got an email from my husband. He has mentioned getting a divorce and selling the house.
I asked to deal with one thing at a time. We sold the house quickly. In today's email, he said he doesn’t want
the kids to believe he’s coming back home to live. He wants to talk. He is ready to file for divorce and is
hopeful to work out details without hiring attorneys. He then listed the issues (amount of support he’d give,
visitation, etc . . . I don't know what to tell him. There is no hate wall. We are both very kind whenever we
speak. Do I just tell him that I don’t want a divorce, because I still love him and not sign any papers?
ANSWER: Tell him that you still love him, but understand why he wants the divorce; that whatever he
decides in regard to the support and visitation is fine with you. Tell him that you are concerned about signing
papers, because you have already made too many mistakes, and you really still love him, but again, you will
do whatever he asks and understand why he wants to divorce you. You may want to find out if he can obtain a
divorce without your signature in your state. Then if you don’t have to sign you can mention it to him.
147 18. Divorce and Litigation

Only God can turn his heart and stop the divorce. Remember, even if it goes through, God can turn his heart
and you can remarry. I will believe with you in prayer that it won’t go through.
QUESTION: I filed for divorce a couple months ago before I got your materials to keep my husband from
taking the kids to another state to stay with him and the OW, and also to protect the child support. I want to
dismiss my petition for divorce, but my husband has asked me repeatedly not to.

ANSWER: It certainly is a dilemma and not an easily answered question. You certainly do want to dismiss
the petition, but since you told him you were going to, and he has told you not to, you will have to submit. It
may be wise to tell your husband that you believe that you should release your attorney, but will submit to
him and not do it if he doesn’t want you to. If he holds to it and says, “No, don’t do it,” then don’t. However,
if he says something like, "Well, I don’t want you to, but I am not telling you that you can’t . . .,” then go
ahead and do it. Most husbands, saved or not, have a fear of God and are afraid to be responsible for decisions
they know are wrong. Listen carefully, but don’t manipulate. If you are not sure, repeat what you think he said
and ask if you are right. The devil is clever and many have been deceived into pleasing their husbands rather
than obeying them. Proverbs 16:7, “When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, He makes even his
enemies to be at peace with him.”
At this point, you will need God to intervene and stop the divorce. Since you already have gotten the
materials, I am sure that you have noted the need for repentance before the Lord for your errors. The courts
cannot protect you from your husband taking your children out of state or keep them from the other woman.
There are hundreds of children that have been taken out of state and hidden, even though the custodial parent
had the law on their side. Only God and your kindness will keep your husband from removing them from you.

The statistics concerning child support show that only 50 percent of women with custody ever get a penny of
child support. Out of those only 15 percent get what they were awarded. And only 15 percent of those get the
amount that they need; hardly a good reason to seek the courts help. However, 100 percent of those who
trusted the Lord have attested that God has supplied all their needs either with or without their husband's help.
And in 100 percent of those who trusted in the Lord, released their attorney, and told their husbands that they
trusted them to provide for them—their relationship improved “miraculously.”
QUESTION: My divorce will be final in a week. I did get rid of my attorney and my husband decided on his
own to give me some money. I told him I didn’t want it. We are getting along fine. He’s out of state. We
speak once or twice a week, and we’re fine with each other. Yet, he is still going through with the divorce. I
am just beside myself over this. I don’t want the divorce to go through. Is it still possible to get back together
if a divorce does go through? I know that you did. Is this common? After a divorce do many marriages get
back together?
ANSWER: Marriages restored after a divorce is very common. Also, you need only read the testimonies to
see how often the divorce stopped at the VERY LAST MINUTE! Since you are “just beside (your) self over
this” it will probably need to go through. The days ahead will be for refinement and to build your faith. Even
though you have so many miracles staring you in the face, you still don’t trust the Lord. God will take it as far
as He needs to; a lot is up to you.

QUESTION: [A divorce has been filed. My husband lives with someone else.] I am tormented. I do not know
how to let go of my attorney. I have made a phone call, been to his office, but I am afraid to let him go. My
family has given me money for his retainer, because at first I wanted to receive alimony. I was a bad wife. I
am afraid God will not restore my marriage, and I have thoughts of myself being alone and poor, (if I let my
attorney go.) I am a weak person, how can I let my strong attorney go? God Bless you and your family.
148 Questions & Answers

ANSWER:
You can let him go through faith that comes from trusting God. If I didn’t have a close
relationship with the Lord, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to do it either! It seems that you trust the
strength of your attorney more than the power of the Lord.
Don't release your attorney because I say so, you must do it out of your own conviction. I can tell you
honestly, that I trust NO MAN or woman. I trust the LORD alone. He will protect me, like no one else can!
This is still one of my favorite verses; I hope it will help you also. Take time to memorize and meditate on it.

“Thus says the LORD, Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose
heart turns away from the LORD. For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity
comes, But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, A land of salt without inhabitant. Blessed is the man
who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that
extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will
not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit” (Jer. 17:5-8).
I go into depth about those who applied some or maybe all of the principles, but with the wrong heart, in one
of the videos; though I can’t remember which one. I can honestly say that I have NEVER known of anyone
that the Lord did not honor. God does not give us false hope—He is faithful. All those that I “thought” were
following and still didn’t have restored marriages, the Lord was faithful to reveal later some deception, pride,
or down right rebellion that they had tried to cover up. The Lord knows all!

QUESTION: I went to the court date thinking I had to, and my husband's lawyer came over to us and asked if
we were arguing over the papers. I said no. He got us to sign before it went to the judge. I see now that I
should not have gone, although my husband seems very happy and has come around more since I signed. Yet,
he continues to see the OW and takes our children with them. Is there any more hope for us? I have cried for
three days since I signed. I have fasted to the point of losing 40 pounds. I have made so many mistakes.

ANSWER: How often I have PLEADED with women to not go to court. It's all a scheme of the devil. If it
isn’t getting you to sign, it’s the other legal junk he uses to destroy the future.
However, there is hope! By repenting, you have taken the first step. God IS able, even now, to do the
impossible. However, you must get prepared for the devil’s next scheme. He is determined to destroy you,
your husband, and your children. Fasting, repentance, and humility will do a lot. So will keeping quiet around
your husband and then appealing with a loud voice to the Father in your prayer closet.
QUESTION: I’ve made a lot of mistakes since my husband’s affair. I filed for divorce to stop him from
spending or hiding co-business profits. Now, I’m asking, “Who cares about money!" I want my husband back
and marriage restored.” Sought counseling, it only made it worse. I DID learn of OW and confronted him, he
moved out. Your book tells me this was a big mistake as well as my filing for divorce later. My heart is telling
me to STOP before it is too late. Question: If I stop the divorce will this be seen as a last ditch effort to hold
on?
ANSWER: Drop the divorce no matter what your husband might think. First Corinthians 6:7 says, “Actually,
then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why
not rather be defrauded?” Just make sure that you are doing it because it is scriptural, not as a last ditch effort.
Psalms 37:4 tells you to, “Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Whether or not your husband believes you is not the issue. God will know the truth. Jeremiah 17:10 says, “I,
the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the
 18. Divorce and Litigation 149
results of his deeds.”
If you are serious about restoring this marriage, you MUST do what you know is right—without wavering.
This is your only hope! James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows (the) right thing to do, and does not do it,
to him it is sin.”

QUESTION:
My husband lives with the other woman. He has an attorney, I dismissed mine, and his attorney has advised him
not to pay any of the bills, or rent on our apartment. At this time, I do not have a job, our daughter is in school, and
I am getting public assistance, also my car is broke down. He told me that when I get evicted from our apartment
that he will take our daughter until I find a place to live. I am full of fear, and I am angry with him. I am lacking
faith; any advice would help.
ANSWER: Let's begin with how to get faith. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and
you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it shall be opened. Or what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a
loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he shall ask for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then,
being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven
give what is good to those who ask Him!”
To be able to ask boldly for what you need and to trust that He will grant your requests, make SURE that you
have NO hidden sin. Confess or turn away from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The devil will bombard
you with guilt and condemnation if there is sin in your life and it will affect your prayer life.

Then, you need to KNOW that God is able, and He promises to provide ALL that you need.

“And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). He
may provide it through your husband or another source, but He IS faithful.
“I have been young, and now I am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, or his descendants begging
bread” (Ps. 37:25).
“Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory did
not clothe himself like one of these” (Luke 12:27).
Don't sit and fret. It will push you to do the wrong thing! Psalms 37:8 tells us, “Cease from anger, and forsake
wrath; Do not fret, {it leads} only to evildoing.”
And you better watch your anger towards your husband. Reread the chapter “Potter and the Clay” in the
Restore Your Marriage book. Remember, Genesis 4:6, “Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? And
why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not {your countenance} be lifted up? And if you do not
do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.’”
QUESTION: [State: Alabama. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] Husband is filing for divorce
and has proposed a settlement. Do I just agree even though I know I can’t meet the financial obligations? (I
gave him a few of the things he asked for yesterday). Do I sign divorce papers indicating to my children that
it’s okay to break a vow with God? If not, how do I say this to my husband without pushing him farther away?
Should I tell him that I would submit to his wishes for divorce but that I will not sign papers in agreement? I
know God provides and is faithful.
ANSWER: When a husband asks us to do something we don’t think is right, we READILY AGREE!! Then
150 Questions & Answers
we pray and fast for the Lord to intervene on our behalf. Any time we hesitate in our obedience, we can
usually be assured that we will go THROUGH the tribulation rather than be delivered from it. I have seen this
happen in my life and also in the lives of hundreds of women I have ministered to.
It's very clear in this Scripture that when a husband asks us to do ANYTHING, we are told to be submissive
to EVERYTHING. Ephesians 5:24, “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to
their husbands in everything.”

As for the proposed settlement, agree to it happily, but make sure he knows that as things stand, you won’t be
able to meet the financial obligations. If he already knows that, DO NOT mention it or you will be in
rebellion.

You mentioned giving him a “few” things he asked for. I hope that you gave everything you could give.
NEVER withhold ANYTHING unless you want him to continue to withhold from you. Proverbs 3:27, “Do
not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.”

As far as signing papers, I go into that in depth on the Be Encouraged tapes, which you indicated you have.
Listen to them again, and ask the Lord to open your ears to the answer.
Your message to your children should be that we are to be subject to those in authority over us. And that when
we do this we are being submissive to the Lord; giving honor to Him.
“Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18).

“But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives (ought to be) to their husbands in everything” (Eph.
5:24).
QUESTION: My husband has filed for divorce, and I was served yesterday. But I know the papers have been
in route for a couple of weeks. I pray that his inviting me to dinner is a sign that he is questioning his
decisions and that the Lord is working. The papers say we have only 20 days, but I know that is plenty of time
for the Lord to restore this marriage.
ANSWER: Your husband inviting you to dinner doesn't necessarily mean that he is questioning his decision,
but it does mean that the Lord is working and that He is turning your husband’s heart toward home. My
husband did NOT question whether or not to go through with divorcing me. It wasn’t until AFTER the
divorce that he had any regrets. Even though our testimony shows that a divorce often does go through,
women still panic or feel like giving up when papers are filed or the divorce date approaches. Personally, I
cannot understand this lack of faith. God CAN work in 20 days, or He may wait 60 days to show His power.
We must trust in HIS perfect timing.

John 11:1: “Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. And
it was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother
Lazarus was sick. The sisters therefore sent to Him, saying, ‘Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.’ But
when Jesus heard it, He said, ‘This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God
may be glorified by it.’ Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus. When therefore He heard that he
was sick, He stayed then two days LONGER in the place where He was.”
Jesus PURPOSELY waited two extra days, until Lazarus was dead and buried, so He could raise him for the
“GLORY of God.” This is why the Lord allowed my divorce to go through and why He allows others to go
through also. He is NEVER late. However, He does use this as a time to TEST our faith. Make sure that you
151 18. Divorce and Litigation
know that you know that He is able to do all things and that NOTHING that transpires will cause you to doubt
His ability to restore your marriage.
QUESTION: What do I do now? I am required, actually court ordered, to appear in court because of my
previous mistakes before coming to RMI. Now should I get an Christian attorney?
ANSWER: No. Since you must appear in court, make sure that you represent yourself. Normally, this gives
you favor with the judge who will do everything to protect you and will ultimately work to your advantage.
Also, if your husband or the judge begins to be harsh with you, as long as you continue to exhibit a gentle and
quiet spirit, your husband will begin to defend you or his heart will be turned even if he doesn’t say a thing.
When someone fights back the instigator feels justified and that it is just a good fight. But even the biggest
stinker cannot stand for long when someone is treated unfairly.
Go into court knowing that this is God’s will, and trust that He will deliver you and/or use it for your good!
 19
|

The Last Word

And there are also many other things which Jesus did [for me], which if they were written in detail,
I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that would be written.
—John 21:25

QUESTION: Erin, I am in great need of finding a human being with the right way of thinking to uphold me. I
have emailed you and tried to fax you but I’m not sure if anything has gotten to you. So many things are
coming at me that I’m having great difficulty the last few days. I do have great prayer support but no one
close by that has been through this. Erin, I know you’re busy but God has really given me the desire to
communicate with you. I also would like to know if there is any way of finding someone near me to meet
with. I realize that this is very general, but I’m hoping that you are already familiar with our situation.
ANSWER: I am sorry, but I am not familiar with your situation. Your letter sounds as though you are very
desperate, which tells me that you have NOT yet gotten a hold of the Lord. Only He can bring the peace that
you need MUCH MORE than a human being. The God of the universe is powerful, able to comfort, and able
to guide you because HE, not I, knows what is to come, and He is able to turn your husband’s heart back to
you.
“And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace!” (Is.
9:6). “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on
His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come” (John
16:13). “Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the
Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you” (John 16:7). “The king’s heart is
like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). “Delight
yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4).

The real REASON for your marital difficulties is to draw you closer to the Lord and give you time to “fall in
love with Him” and to make Him “Lord” of your life. These things can’t happen if you still desire a “human
being.” Be assured that if you don’t develop a close relationship with the Lord things will get MUCH worse,
since He is determined to have you for Himself. All that is now “coming at you” is to cause you to seek HIM,
not me! And for me to help you in a way other than pointing you to Him, would be wrong of me. I only work
for Him. I am nothing. I know it and God knows it. You need to know it too. Please run to Him and get a hold
of His garment. I guarantee that this will totally transform you and give you peace in the midst of your trials!
QUESTION: [Current Marital Status: I am separated. My spouse lives with someone else.] My husband is
coming home for over a week from oversees. I am basically on my own here because I have asked at least
three other women to believe with me and go through the workbook with me and so far “no one has the time.”
My husband sent me an email saying that if my mother starts her “griping & stuff” he will get on the next
plane and go back or go to his mom’s house without a word to any of us. My mother is the most negative
person I have ever known. She is constantly putting down everyone and everything. She almost caused my
husband and me to break up. I feel torn because the Bible says we are to honor our mother and father. My
three older children do not want to be around her because of the way she is constantly putting them down,
putting their dad down, putting me down and griping about everything.
153 19. The Last Word

ANSWER: You mentioned being “alone” after asking three women to do the A Wise Woman workbook with
you and “no one has the time.” This is GOD’S PLAN. I encourage women to walk alone “with the Lord“ until
He brings someone to encourage them. This is the ONLY way to get properly grounded!

In regard to your mother “for a time” cut off all contact with her. I had to do this and my husband also had to
do it at different times to save our marriage. Biblically, you have left your mother and should have cleaved to
your husband. In the book of Ruth, she and Orpah were with Naomi, which is what God intended. God shows
his approval for Ruth’s loyalty to her husband’s family above her own by blessing her with Boaz. Your
cleaving to your husband supersedes honoring your parents based on Genesis 2:2, 4: “For this cause a man
shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
You must not let ANYTHING or ANYONE “separate what God has joined!” Do not allow her to be around
your husband or your children, for a time. If you would like to try to honor her, you should meet with her
alone. As soon as she begins to belittle anyone, then kiss her and say goodbye. Do not leave in a huff. Do not
get into any verbal battles or debates. Just walk away or hang up the phone. You dishonor her by allowing her
to act and react inappropriately even though she may be responding to the pain or bitterness of being alone or
because of health reasons.
QUESTION: [State: Arizona. Current Marital Status: married but separated.] Will God only restore your
marriage if you are Christian? We both believe in God and Jesus and follow a Christian/Hindu practice. My
husband asked me to let him go and said to me, “Wouldn’t that be the most unconditionally loving thing to
do?” What can I say to that? I don’t want to hold him if that would hurt him or not be in God’s will. He is an
artist and feels he needs to put that first and it didn’t work for us together because financially unstable and
many fights. He says we are only hurting each other.
ANSWER: No, I don’t believe that is what the Lord says, nor is it what I have said. Matthew 5:45 says, “. . .
for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”
Also, Romans 2:11 says, “For there is no respect of persons with God.” “For there is no partiality with
God.” God is more than able to restore any marriage. My desire, however, is to introduce or to lead men and
women to MY Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for what He did for me. I state in a lot of my materials that,
“without” the Lord, I KNOW that I would not have made it because I leaned heavily on Him. Also, as a
Christian, I have allowed the Holy Spirit, which is also called the “Comforter” to reside in me. At one time,
before the death and resurrection of Jesus, God only dwelled in a temple on earth. At Pentecost (which was
after Jesus died and then rose in bodily form to the disciples who were waiting for the “power” that He
promised they would have) those that waited received the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. This is what guided
me and gave me comfort.

I understand that you “know” about Jesus and God. By following the scriptural principles found in the Bible,
you will reap the blessings. When God created the heavens and the earth, He set in motion physical laws and
spiritual laws. The law of gravity is one physical law that we all know and basically understand. When we
abide by the law of gravity, and do not violate it, we are safe from the violations. By reading the materials
from our ministry and by abiding by these spiritual laws, you too will cease to experience the consequences of
the violations, and eventually, you should see restoration.
One of the spiritual laws is letting your husband go. This is stated in Psalm 1:1–2, “How blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the WAY of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of
scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night.” Then
specifically in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is
not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” This does not mean that you do not
154 Questions & Answers
continue to want your marriage to be restored, but clearly, standing in the way of someone who doesn’t want
to stay will not bring about peace. I am not sure if God answers the prayers of an unbeliever. By unbeliever, I
mean one who does not believe that a person must be “born again” to enter into the kingdom of heaven. When
any person asks Jesus Christ to save them, his spirit is born again. It’s like a new birth in the spirit. All of us
will live for eternity. The only difference is “where” we will spend it. However, many believe that there are
other ways to get to heaven. But the Bible states clearly that there are not. Acts 4:12 says, “And there is
salvation in no one else; for there is no other name [save Jesus Christ alone] under heaven that has been
given among men, by which we must be saved.” I believe the Bible is the infallible Word of God because of
the power of the Word. I know that it is not just another book.
Have you ever asked the Lord to make Himself real to you? If He is real, if He is still alive, if He as powerful
as Christians claim He is, He certainly would be able to make Himself real to you. Why not ask Him? Being a
Christian is not a religion, though many who follow are practicing a religion and are not in a personal
relationship with Jesus Christ. I would encourage you to see if a relationship with the Lord would help
minister, comfort and guide you through this very difficult time in your life. Again, I KNOW I would never
have made it without Him. If you have any questions about becoming a Christian, I would ask that you write
back. I’ll share with you all that I know and be more than happy to introduce you to Him.
*This woman not only had her marriage RESTORED, but she also accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.
Read her awesome testimony in By the Word of Their Testimony available through our ministry.

QUESTION:
[State: Florida. Current Marital Status: divorced.] Ex and I getting along—have been hopeful.
OW’s mother died two days ago. He called daughter, but did not speak to me. He left on first plane out to join
her. Daughter says she will be going on vacation with him also to his parent’s home and commented he must
love her very much—I’m devastated by that comment. Instead of feeling sad a person has died, I’m concerned
about ex being together with OW at this emotional time. I don’t like myself for feeling so selfish. Please refer
to the question I sent previously. Help!!!
ANSWER: It’s not selfishness to NOT want your husband with another woman. Certainly it would hurt
deeply to hear a comment like that from your daughter. At this point, it is important to use the hurt for your
good. Use it to motivate you to get in the Word and to pray FERVENTLY about this adulterous relationship.
It is not the time to become DEVASTATED or question whether you are being selfish. You must renew your
mind and circumcise your heart to think and feel as the Lord does about the trials of your life.

I am sorry that I cannot read your original question since I do not save them. One important note: You said
that you joined a single‘s group. You had better get out of it or you will stay single. I have written so much
about joining or fellowshipping with “singles” in my column and in my books and other materials. If you are
double-minded, do not expect the blessing of a restored marriage. “For let not that man expect that he will
receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:7–8). “Draw
near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you
double-minded” (James 4:8). You also mentioned that YOU told your husband to leave. Have you ever asked
your husband to forgive you for this?
QUESTION: My husband has filed for divorce. Does what you teach always work? Do you have a 100
percent success rate? Do you ever have anyone follow your advice and their husband does not return? Thanks.
ANSWER: Since my restoration was firmly based on Scripture, ALL that I teach is based on biblical truth,

and testimonies, alone. “Every word of God is tested; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him” (Prov.
30:5). “So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, Without
accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it” (Is. 55:11). “And they
155 19. The Last Word
overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony . . .” (Rev. 12:11).
When it is applied, with the right heart, YES it never fails since God never fails! “For nothing will be
impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
I have been surprised sometimes when it seemed that the woman, or man, was doing all they should, but the
marriage was not restored. Each and every time I sought the Lord as to why, God was faithful to uncover a
heart condition that had not been dealt with. A test was failed and the marriage was not restored . “I, the
LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the
results of his deeds” (Jer. 17:10). Many begin the journey toward restoration, but too often they give up.
“Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are
those who enter by it. For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who
find it” (Matt. 7:13–14). “And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not
grow weary” (Gal. 6:9). His promises are yes and AMEN!

QUESTION: We know that Satan attacks with thoughts in our mind, doubts, or fears. But I guess I was
wondering: Could he attack by sending someone in your life (female friend) that clings to you, and acts like
you are her God, her lifeline, and has to have you 24/7? Could he possibly do that so it’s such a struggle to
have time for me for prayer and healing? That has been what I have faced the last two weeks, and I feel
drained.

ANSWER: The devil will use anything or anyone to get us away from the things of God. He will also
convince us that we SHOULD be available for people he’s actually using to destroy us, IF WE ARE
REALLY A GOOD CHRISTIAN. Don’t fall for the SHOULDS. Dependence like this is not good for you or
your friend. Set up specific times to talk or be together and BE FIRM about sticking to it. Be a GOOD
Christian by being upfront and honest! Everyone is hungry for the truth, but most are too weak or merely
deceived into thinking that sharing the truth is un-Christian. It would be wrong to just avoid her. Instead help
her by telling her the truth and turning her to her Savior (or introduce her to yours if she doesn’t know Him).
This will either help her to grow in the Lord and give you the time you need for prayer and healing, or it will
cause her to find another to cling to.

QUESTION: In as much as humans do have a free will, how can you possibly guarantee restoration for
marriages? The Word does say “choose you this day who you will serve.” It all comes down to choice. As a
woman who is trying to restore her marriage, I can do everything you say to do, but I can’t see where there is
a real guarantee. Would you comment on this?
ANSWER: First of all, don’t do everything I SAY, you MUST FOLLOW GOD AND HIS WORD!!
Secondly, don’t take too much stock in one verse, since this is the only verse in the entire Bible that talks
about choice. It has been used to totally and completely elevate man and his will above God, HIS will and
God’s sovereignty! Man’s free will has been given much too much press. The fact is (and I had a major
struggle with this when pastors and Christians would throw my husband’s will in my face) that there is not
ONE reference to man’s will in the Bible!! Christian‘s use Josh. 24:15 to play up the choice scenario.
When the Lord led me to the concordance I could not find “man’s will” once! Instead, I found “God’s will“
97 times! Yet, I still had my doubts. That’s when God showed me what turned into chapter 10 of the women’s
restoration book, “He Turns the Heart!” God showed me that I shouldn’t worry about my husband’s will but
his heart! Once you turn your heart to the Lord, the Lord will turn your husband’s heart toward you! The
WILL just naturally follows! You CHOOSE what you want to believe. You can believe that your husband’s
will is stronger than God or you can have faith that “nothing is impossible with God” and move the mountain!
“And He said to them, ‘Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a
mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall
156 Questions & Answers
be impossible to you!’” (Matt. 17:20). “And the Lord said, ‘If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would
say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and be planted in the sea’; and it would obey you’” (Luke 17:6).

QUESTION:
I remember reading in your book that when you encounter friends going through trials and they
come to you for encouragement or instruction that we need not push or present without being asked. I find
that more times than not people just aren’t interested in the walk I have chosen or the belief in our marriage
that I took for my husband. [She has a restored marriage!] There are marriages crumbling all around me,
believers and I’m praying and when asked, sharing, my husband too, but I feel soooo helpless because it
usually only goes that far. They don’t want to take that step of faith, and then by sharing what I believe, they
don’t usually share again. I find I’m afraid to say anything because I want to be there for them, I want to
encourage them and help them see God is sovereign. I have a friend right now who has left her husband for
another man and my husband is standing with him. He has read your book for men and he found it very
encouraging. I was glad because I was feeling like he wasn’t hearing what my husband and I were sharing.
How much do you share and how do you know if you’re saying too much?
ANSWER: How wonderful to hear from you again! And what a blessing to hear that your husband is
ministering to others—God is awesome! The Lord is so perfect in His timing and is faithful to show us that
He truly is a sovereign God. The struggles you are experiencing, my husband and I too, have been dealing
with to a greater magnitude lately. Our pastor asked us to share our testimony one Wednesday night at prayer
meeting. There are usually 1,500 in attendance (our church runs six to seven thousand). Afterwards so many
came to us for help. But so many of those who came DO NOT WANT TO HEAR what you REALLY have to
say. So many are bringing people to us (or telling us of others), yet when we share, they later avoid us.

Even those who listen usually fail to walk it out with a broken, contrite and humble heart, so they see no fruits

“Thebecome
and sower went out to sow
discouraged andhis
fallseed;
way. and as he sowed, some fell
beside the road; and it was trampled under foot, and the birds of the air ate it up. And other seed fell on rocky
soil, and as soon as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And other seed fell among the
thorns; and the thorns grew up with it, and choked it out. And other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up,
and produced a crop a hundred times as great. As He said these things, He would call out, ‘He who has ears
to hear, let him hear’” (Luke 8:5–8).

My closest neighbor has a brother and now a sister who are going through horrible divorces. Both are
Christians, one attends our church and she is the one filing because she found out her husband had been
unfaithful. She just recently found another man on the Internet! I say all of this to let you know how much I
understand. When seeking the Lord I was reminded that when Jesus spoke about living the Beatitudes: not
resisting evil, turning the other cheek, going the second mile, giving your coat also and really loving your
enemies, that He experienced much of what we are experiencing.
The Scribes and Pharisees debated and challenged Him, His family tried to stop Him, many mocked, most
walked away and some even tried to push Him off a cliff. But some, a few, listened and it changed their lives.
Some that I speak to listen; they are seeking the truth and when they find it, they obey God’s word. You were
one. But for every one person like you, there are hundreds that will choose the wide road to destruction—even
after hearing the truth. What do you do? You do exactly what you are doing. You cannot refrain from sharing
the truth because it may offend. Because it may be that one person whom you reason would not want to hear,
that will be the one who will experience a restored marriage. I spoke with a woman a week ago. She came to
our church just to meet me. When I spoke to her she just cried. I had heard that she had filed divorce papers
and told her she shouldn’t, that it was a mistake. She could not afford a book, so I promised to have one for
her if she came Sunday.
That Sunday she gave her life to the Lord in the first service. When she approached me after service I almost
157 19. The Last Word
didn’t recognize her. Her countenance was totally transformed. I gave her the book and then she told me that
she had contacted her lawyer to stop the papers from being served to her husband. They were already at the
sheriff’s office. So she called there and had them stopped. She said that her husband had come to stay with the
children that morning so she could go to church. With tears in her eyes, she said that he had even been very
kind when speaking to her. It only takes one situation like that to help you to realize it is all worth it. It’s not
your method or lack of discernment that is causing others to turn away from you. It’s the message that they
are unable or unwilling to hear. It does hurt, I still experience grief knowing what lies ahead for them and
their children, but it is not the pain of rejection any longer because I know that it is Him and His Word that is
being rejected, I am just the messenger.
Her Response: You are definitely speaking truth... < sigh > I just want to love them through this . . . if they
could just see it’s a trial . . . and it’s temporary and that in the whole scheme of life, it’s what’s gonna matter
in the end . . . but they only see the now . . . the hurt they are feeling . . . (and you and I know it hurts . . .) their
self-righteousness mounts up . . . and they see humility as being a doormat . . . I can only speak the truth . . . I
would be a fake otherwise (I guess that’s what it is to be a slave for Christ).

QUESTION: My brother-in-law is definitely not following your recommended course of action. They have
been to numerous counselors, and each now has his/her own respective attorney. As I look at the whole
situation I am left wondering what our role is in all of this. I believe that God calls us to love to them, and yet,
my sister’s continuous blatant disobedience leaves me wanting to avoid her company at any cost. We see fruit
in the life of my brother-in-law. He has truly shown a desire to reconcile. I mentioned to him the idea of firing
his attorney, and he said he would definitely think about it. My sister has not shown any remorse or regret for
her actions. Does that mean we stay away from any contact with either of them?

ANSWER: Oh, how I hate to see families fall apart and become just another statistic. I suppose there was no
way to really help this precious couple “through” you. It really does take the effort one of the persons
involved to see a change. However, prayer, really sold out prayer, can totally and radically change even the
most hopeless situations. “And He said to them, ‘Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you,
if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall
move; and nothing shall be impossible to you’” (Matt. 17:20). Never give up praying. “. . . The effective
prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). The remorse that you are looking for in your
sister is very rarely seen it situations like this. We tell those that are hoping for restoration not to look for it,
because it is a faith walk. My husband was not remorseful even after he returned home and this is common.
The trial is not over once the “other person” is out of the picture or the spouse is home. The “refining” fire
stays hot until the one hoping for restoration is totally transformed.

As far as your brother-in-law being a young Christian, we see young and old believers restored. It just takes
“Therefore
doing thingseveryone who hears
“God’s way” versusthese words of way:
the “world’s” Mine,
and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock.” “And everyone who
hears these words of Mine, and does not act upon them, will be like a foolish man, who built his house upon
the sand” (Matt. 7:24, 26). How best to help. Prayer of course and then being there if either is seeking your
help. Unless they are “seeking help” it does more harm to “try” to give it. “A man who hardens his neck after
much reproof Will suddenly be broken beyond remedy” (Prov. 29:1).

QUESTION:
[A divorce has been filed.] Maybe I do not understand you correctly, but from my point of
view, it seems as though you blame the wife for everything that goes wrong in the marriage. You seem very
hard on the woman and make excuses for the man. Could you explain?
ANSWER: The way of the world is to blame everyone else for your situation, making yourself a “victim” of
someone else’s sins. When any woman comes to me, I help her to see that she can repent of all that SHE has
158 Questions & Answers
done, leaving her husband and his mistakes to the Lord. We have no authority over our husbands, only the
Lord does. Most women play “little holy ghost” with their husband and wonder why God doesn’t move. He
moves when we concentrate on ourselves, keeping our eyes focused on the Lord, instead of looking at anyone
else, especially our husbands.
I KNOW what it takes for restoration. There are MANY people and ministries that will deal kindly with you,
giving you what “feels” good. However, those who follow this path stay in their same miserable state without
seeing their marriage restored. Those who read our books, listen to our videos and “soak up” the wisdom in
these columns are just like I was—”LORD, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES” to restore this marriage! It usually
means dying to self which is hard to take and even harder to do!

QUESTION: [I am divorced and my spouse lives with someone else.] Concerning your encouraging us to
pray for our enemies—what exactly are we supposed to pray for them? Please elaborate.
ANSWER: Seek the Lord for your answer. The references in the Bible are not specific; therefore, how can I
be? Proverbs 30:6 says, “Do not add to His words lest He reprove you, and you be proved a liar.” I can only
deduce that it would be different depending on the person and the circumstance. My prayers for my husband
and the OW changed. At one point I specifically remember praying for the OW‘s father who had a minor
heart attack. I also prayed for her to return back to her husband. I asked that the Lord bless her with salvation
and forgive her for her sin against Him (not me).
The references to praying for your enemies are found in the following verses: “And the LORD restored the
fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold” (Job 42:10).
(Of course, if you’ve read Job, you know these were not really his friends through his trial, but his enemies.)
“But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44). “Bless those who
persecute you; bless and curse not.” A blessing is when you pray “Lord, bless so and so. Bless him Lord”
(Rom. 12:14). “. . . not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were
called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). “Do not be overcome by evil, but
overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). Meditate on these verses and then ask the Lord to show you how He
would have you to pray.

QUESTION: Do you pray for people who would like to get married but are having difficulties? Women in
my family have problems getting married and have illegitimate children. I am a Christian and have two
children and have been praying for years but somehow things never work out. I have even gone through
deliverance etc. I know I have been cursed by my grandmother but I want what is mine restored. I would be
very grateful if you would respond as this situation has caused much pain to my children and me.

ANSWER: I have been praying about your question quite a lot over the last few days, seeking His wisdom.
When I first read it, I thought it might be outside of our ministry and therefore, I could easily err. Keeping this
in mind let me share what I believe the Lord has shown me. When a man lies with a woman who is not his

wife, he becomes “one” with her. Deuteronomy 22:28–29 says, “If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is
not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall
give to the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he
cannot divorce her all his days.” “And if a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he
must pay a dowry for her to be his wife” (Exod. 22:16).

However, you may be saying that you were not in fact a virgin. “Or do you not know that the one who joins
himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, ‘THE TWO WILL BECOME ONE FLESH’” (1 Cor.
6:16 ). This verse deals with two unmarried persons. Genesis 24:67 tells us, “Then Isaac brought her into his
mother Sarah‘s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her; thus Isaac was
159 19. The Last Word
comforted after his mother’s death.” We see no actual marriage ceremony back in the Old Testament, the fact
of “knowing” a woman, which means being sexually intimate with her, seemed to be all God needed to view
them as “one” or married. We see this in all the verses above. (I am not saying or advocating in any way that
sleeping together without taking marriage vows is the way to solidify a marriage. I do believe in a wedding
ceremony; as I am sure you do also.)
Do you believe that “maybe” the Lord sees you as married to the father of your children? If your children are
from different fathers, is the first man unmarried now? If this is the case, then you can begin to follow the
same Biblical principles as those who are praying for their husbands to return, and of course that his desire
will be to marry you. If this is not the case because the father is married, or if you do not feel that he is your
husband, then I cannot offer you much guidance.

QUESTION: I would like to be involved in your group to seek advice about my struggle in life that have at
present. Is this the specific email address where I can contact you personally? I been searching for things that
can console me, and thank God, I came across your ministries thru the net. Thank you very much and I hope
for your immediate response. I know you can help me win this battle.
ANSWER: Due to the enormous number of people who visit our website, our limited staff cannot provide
one on one support. We do, however, have a restoration fellowship that most join which provides that
personal support. You will need to get and read two books, which will help you to be like-minded with those
in the fellowship. To find out more, go to our website and on the left hand column, you will find Restoration
Fellowship under the heading of “Encouragement.”

QUESTION: I saw you at a women’s breakfast in Nov. ‘97 in Pensacola, I had almost decided not to go, but
I went anyway and that morning has been changing my life. I got saved and then we found out that our first
child had autism. When I went to that breakfast that morning, I did not know what a journey I would be on.
We now have four children and our second son also has autism. Both of our children are severe in that they
are nonverbal. I have been very angry with that for so long and struggle to give all that pain and anger to God.
I have been very mean and ugly to them and have hit them and yelled and screamed at them in such
frustration. My mother did the same to me, and I SWORE that I would not do that to my children. I am guilty
of doing so many things that in pride I said to God I would never do. I struggle with fear of letting God
humble me (that he will expose my wicked thoughts and actions and people will hate me). I know all the
verses in your workbook, A Wise Woman, but I realize that I am seeking a Pharisee‘s relationship with the
Lord and not a true relationship. I fear that what He will ask me to do to follow him will cause more pain than
I can bear. I wanted to homeschool our children, and I have manipulated my husband into agreeing to it. Now
all these things that I have manipulated him into doing I wish he would do for the Lord and not because I
manipulated him into doing them. I see how weak the protection by him is when it is a false protection. I fear
that if we put our children in school, that they will be abused or that they might enjoy school and that would
make me look foolish. I fear that the shots that they need for school will further damage them and increase
their autism. I can’t take that! We have seen so many improvements. I don’t want more pain. So many
nightmarish problems have ceased and we have a more “normal” lifestyle. As I type this, I see how Satan has
lulled me into this position through disobedience because I wanted protection. I am guilty of leading my
husband and of being contentious. The day I was saved, I remember, my husband in the car on the way home,
he said he wished that I had come to him instead and that it was his job to tell me, he also told me that he
believed that women should be submissive and that he should be head of the household... Now those words
have come back to echo in my head. I thought that he was so chauvinistic for that!!! I knew none of the A
Wise Woman workbook. Now after four years the teachings at his workplace have beaten all of those beliefs
out of him along with my much working in the flesh. I would like to blame it on his job, but I know that the
Lord has just been waiting on me to change. I have prayed for the Lord to release him from his job where
“women rule” over him and people give him all sorts of worldly advice. The Lord has now offered him the
160 Questions & Answers
opportunity two times, (he does not know my prayers). The other day he said, “I’m not ready to give up yet.”
ANSWER: After reading your confession, I prayed for you. I believe at this point it may be wise to ask the
Lord to break you. I know you fear whatever else the Lord may bring your way, I REALLY understand! But
when you ask for and allow this breaking, though painful and fearful, you will look back and be forever
grateful! Your two autistic children God wanted to use to break you, but instead all of this has strengthened
your flesh. You are in a good place. You see what you are not and what you want to be. Only God can do it
for you, you cannot do it yourself. But you need to ask. Be the woman you and God want you to be and the
wife and mother your family needs. This trial with your two children can be used mightily for God to help
others, but only if you walk it through with Him. I have walked through so many trials, but I ALWAYS
walked with the Lord and I recommend it highly. Ask God to break you; don’t be afraid. He loves you so very
much.
QUESTION: When three of us who pray together each evening came together, all three of us said we had
had heavy hearts that day because of the Q&A of the day. This is the quote I am referring to: “Then there
were several days’ hesitation on obedience; another serious heart condition. It seems that you care more about
your marriage being restored than you do about being obedient, meek and quiet. But those are the things that
restore a marriage. When I entered into the “race” for my marriage I, too, began it with my marriage as my
goal—for me. But very soon I began running it for Him, for my Lord. He had entered me in the race to change
me. He became everything to me. And even as things got worse and worse, He could not let me down,
because He owed me nothing. And if He never restored my marriage, I would still have praised Him and done
everything I had done because He was worth it and He deserved it.” What is the balance that comes to satisfy
the Lord and still be able to pray fervently for the restoration of one’s marriage? I do not see the Lord moving
in my marriage.

ANSWER: The fervency for my marriage was really just in the beginning. And quite honestly, it was mostly
for my children’s sake that I fought for my marriage. The pain that I felt from rejection and the humiliation
were my greatest and most selfish motivations—but it was only in the beginning months. It was when I saw
that God was using all of it to refine me and to get my attention so He could mold me (that was when my
desire turned to pleasing the Lord and off of my marriage). It does seem that there are so many who are
obsessed with their marriages. I know this was not the case with me. I became obsessed with the Lord, His
Word and His leading me. Maybe there is no real balance. Maybe it is just that when you finally get a hold of
Him, that nothing else, not even your marriage, matters. That is when your focus changes. You do everything
that He asks, in obedience, not because it will get you a restored marriage (because you are not really thinking
of it any more), but because He has asked you to and you love Him.
You go the extra mile, turn the other cheek, release your attorney, bless your husband when he has cursed
you, study His Word—all because you love Him and because in this intimacy, you know it is what He is
asking you to do. The Lord did put a deep love in my heart for my husband, and because He did, rejection or
harsh words hurt. I allowed myself to be a vessel that the Lord could use to love my husband. The pouring out
of His love, through me, is what my husband felt. If what I said made you grieve, it was your spirit grieving. I
didn’t or couldn’t answer your question for many days because I couldn’t understand your heaviness or what
you were really asking. When your desire stays with your husband, and restoration, and does not shift
direction to the Lord, then it is idolatry. And, of course, God will have no other God’s before Him. Maybe that
is why more marriages are not restored.

QUESTION: I think it is very offending that a person cannot use your website without purchasing your
products . . . I purchased the 1st step literature, but it was a struggle for me as I am going through a divorce
and have no money to spend on extras . . . it is offensive to me that you offer help, but only if you pay . . . I do
not understand that to be ministry . . . Secondly I recently received a copy of your first newsletter . . . too, too
161 19. The Last Word
many typos . . . what happened to “decent and in order”??? And I find a comment that was written
questionable . . . Why do you refer to God as the one who basically makes or causes the dissensions in the
marriage? The word clearly states that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and
things of the darkness . . . I understand that God will allow certain things to happen, but I totally reject the
principle that God makes them happen . . . I have never seen that in the Word.
ANSWER: We are very sorry that so many things we have done have offend you. We appreciate you
encouraging us to forward our “final” copy of the newsletter to our editor. We were so busy at the end that we
failed to send her the last draft. We would love to have you proofread for us if you would like to volunteer;
you are truly blessed to have such a keen eye.
We apologize that our Restoration Fellowship has offended you. The majority of our website is open to
anyone and everyone who comes seeking help and support. However, since the needs of those seeking
restoration are EXTREMELY high, we were not able to meet all the needs of everyone who came for help.
We presently get over 450,000 coming a month. In seeking the Lord, we were reminded of the 12 apostles
who Jesus ministered directly to IN ORDER TO make disciples. This is what we are doing in the fellowship
as you can read:
. . . we have designed this fellowship to help only those who have a “serious desire” to have their marriages
restored. Those who join must also be willing to help others and our ministry . . .
To make sure those who join are 1– Like-minded: “Can two walk together, except they be agreed” (Amos
3:3). And 2– they have counted the cost we ask that they read the materials to see if they agree and are willing
to follow. When both the Restore Your Marriage book is read and then A Wise Woman workbook, the person
entering into our fellowship is aware of what we believe and how narrow the road to restoration is. When the
man came to follow Jesus in Mark 10:22 it said that “he went away grieved” because he wasn’t willing to do
what it took.
We use this site to disciple those who want to evangelize and teach others. This is not unbiblical or
unscriptural. Jesus spoke to all, but discipled only a few and He tells us to imitate Him. We are not looking to
be popular or please everyone, but to seek the Lord in all matters and do what He leads us to do. There is no
doubt that we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but what has that to do with the verses in the 88th Psalm?
The second page, second paragraph that you need help with is a quote from: “Thou hast removed my
acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out”
(Ps. 88:8). “Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness” (Ps. 88:18).
“The One forming light and creating darkness, Causing well-being and creating calamity; I am the LORD
who does all these” (Is. 45:7).

Those of us who now have a God-restored marriage went through a time when God broke us and totally
changed us. During this time all of us realized that God had indeed taken our spouse for our good. However,
we also acknowledge and boast (2 Cor. 12:9) that most of the “loathing” was because of our contentious and
arrogant behavior, which you are still exhibiting. We would be happy and honored to give you the second
book that you are unable to afford. Our ministry is not supported by any denomination because we do not
want to please any denomination but be free to speak as boldly as the Holy Spirit leads. Our only support is
from the sale of our books and offerings from those that are also going through divorce and financial distress.
We also have implemented a Sponsorship Program where are members take a person “under their wing” and
provide the resources they need. However, most who do sponsor members or non-members share that most of
them were unable to “afford” the resources, but when they cried out to God, He provided them supernaturally.
162 Questions & Answers
I pray that as you come to our website and read the materials that the Lord will break and transform you. I
pray that as a result your husband will be drawn to your new gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious in
the sight of God!
QUESTION: What does it mean to pray in the spirit exactly—we are two believers trying to pray fervently
for our marriages but we run dry most times and get frustrated. Not simply in one of your books so I need
HELP. Thanks U.K.

ANSWER: Romans 8:26–27 tells us, “And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not
know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints
according to the will of God.” Some denote “praying in the spirit” with speaking in tongues. This is referred
to as a prayer language. It is common in Pentecostal churches. For more help I would encourage you to get the
“Be Encouraged!” tapes that explain the infilling of the Holy Spirit and the power that He gives you.
QUESTION: My husband lives with the other woman, he has an attorney, and I dismissed mine. His attorney
has advised him not to pay any of the bills, or rent on our apartment. At this time I do not have a job, our
daughter is in school, and I am getting public assistance, also my car is broke down. He told me that when I
get evicted from our apartment that he will take our daughter until I find a place to live. I am full of fear, I am
angry with him. I am lacking faith; any advice would help.

ANSWER: Let’s begin with how to get faith in Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and
you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it shall be opened. Or what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a
loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he shall ask for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then,
being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven
give what is good to those who ask Him!”
To be able to ask boldly for what you need and to trust that He will grant your requests, make SURE that you
have NO hidden sin. Confess or turn away from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The devil will bombard
you with guilt and condemnation if there is sin in your life and it will affect your prayer life.

Then you need to KNOW that God is able and He promises to provide ALL that you need. “ And my God shall
supply
He mayall your needs
provide it according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19).
Ithrough
have been
youryoung,
husbandandornow I amsource,
another old; Yetbut
I have
He IS faithful. “
not seen the righteous forsaken, Or his descendants begging bread” (Ps. 37:25). “Consider the lilies, how
they grow; they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory did not clothe himself like
one of these” (Luke 12:27).
Don’t sit and fret. It will push you to do the wrong thing! Psalms 37:8 tells us, “Cease from anger, and
forsake wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evildoing.” And you better watch your anger towards your husband.
Reread the chapter 2, “Potter and the Clay” in the Restore Your Marriage book. Remember, “Then the Lord
said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your
countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but
you must master it’” (Gen. 4:6).
QUESTION:
Seen marriages w/o children restored?

ANSWER: You asked if I have seen marriages restored when there are no children. If a marriage couldn’t be
restored when the couple hasn’t been blessed with children, God would have made that stipulation in His
19. The Last Word 163
word. I honestly don’t know without taking the time to reread the situations of those I personally have helped
but I will say this—even if there is not ONE that I know of, there is no reason why yours can’t be restored for
God’s glory!!!
 References
Are You Facing Divorce?
I am sure that you would want to read and learn the Biblical principles for releasing your attorney and to have
many more of your questions answered. This is why we have put a Facing Divorce book together. It is filled with
many Q&A about different questions that people had sent to us when we had our popular Q & A Internet column.
We now also have a New Video or DVD “Facing Divorce” that should answer the questions you have. Do
you know what to do and what NOT to do when your spouse tells you that they are filing (or have filed) for
divorce? Sadly, too many make mistakes that not only PUSH the divorce through, but also the greatest
mistake, which is to FAIL to take the ADVANTAGE the Lord has given them to actually turn their crisis into
a blessing and a BIG step closer to restoration! In this video Erin AND her husband (together through the
entire video) excitedly discuss the principles that not only turned their marriage around (that ended in divorce
but began through restoration), but the same (and more) principles that will insure BLESSINGS in the midst
of an impending divorce or ANY sudden onslaught of the wicked. If your spouse has ever even
MENTIONED divorce, then really this video is a MUST get!

Basically the way to STOP a divorce, or to have the divorce reversed (as mine was), is to NOT fight. It
requires releasing your attorney and not seeking legal counsel since God is our MIGHTY COUNSELOR! The
Facing Divorce book also has testimonies of people who released their attorney and the miraculous change it
made on their once very angry spouse. But more importantly, it has the testimonies of restored marriages,
which proves that this Biblical principle is the way to handle this dilemma when you are Facing Divorce.
Here is an excerpt of a testimony that sings the praises of this book:
Restored and Praising Him Forever!

“My husband left me in July. When he left, I prayed that God would change and return him to me, but the
good Lord began to reveal my REAL SELF to me. As I was, my husband would have nothing to do with me.
I needed to change! The one conviction that the good Lord placed in my heart as a child that remains to this
day was that I never, ever believed in divorce. But the day my husband told me he was leaving, I looked for a
lawyer. I never did find the lawyer I was looking for. In February, my husband agreed to meet to discuss our
relationship. That is when I became aware of your ministry. Reading your Welcome Page, I knew it was none
other than God’s divine intervention! I got the book “When Facing Divorce.” I read it, studied it, and read it
again. Some nights I would cry so hard as God gave me a front row seat to the showing of my life, the choices
I made, the sins that I had never repented of. It was automatic; on my knees reading your book, I could not get
up, sobbing as I had never before. He disciplined me because He loves me. It was the hardest thing I ever had
to do—to LOOK AT MYSELF.

With the scriptural principles that I learned and applied through RMI and God, great things happened. As I
read your materials, the more I fasted, prayed and applied what I was being taught, the more I witnessed the
power and presence our Savior. He changed me and my husband commented on those changes. The more I
read your materials, shared my testimony and handed out your ministry cards, the more I witnessed miracles.
By mid March, my husband began to come home three days a week. It wasn’t until April that he spent a night.
As we dated and got to know one another, we became real friends.
By May, my husband was home every night, only returning to his rented room to pick up his mail and
clothing. In June, he told me he was coming home! July 8, exactly one year to the date when he left, God
165 References
returned my husband to me. The good Lord was faithful—my strength and light in a dark situation. Two
weeks ago, my husband agreed to start meeting with a man and is now being taught the same principles for
men! He commented that he now looks forward to coming home! In addition, the Lord continually uses the
resources of your ministry to restore all of my family relationships. Praise GOD!
After reading How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and When Facing Divorce, I ordered EVERY
resource you suggested for women, along with additional materials. To date, I have exhausted all of my Hope
Cards, tracts and recently gave my sister my copies of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and
When Facing Divorce.
Your resources gave me HOPE and helped to restore my faith. You let me know that I wasn’t crazy; as a
matter of fact, now I know that when the world thinks I’m crazy, I know I’m heading in the right direction.
You cannot serve two Gods, and the opposing one will try to convince you that you’re crazy.

Your ministry let me know that I wasn’t alone, that we do not fight against flesh. As long as I seek God’s
kingdom, ask for faith, strength, and knock on the door of knowledge and power, He will let the bad in my
life turn to good. Praise God all things happen to glorify His name. If you are newly separated or heading in
that direction, start How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and Facing Divorce, then go directly to A
Wise Woman. They are where I learned how to change the contentious behavior that marked my life. Then,
continue through all the materials offered at Restore Ministries.” Donna RESTORED in New Jersey

“STANDING” for your Marriage

“Standing” is a term our ministry prefers not to use, since most of the “standers,” we have ministered to, are
still “standing“ for their marriage—they are not restored! Instead, we would encourage you to trust God for
the restoration of your marriage. We know “standing” has become a popular term used by those who want
their marriages healed, but we believe that instead of “standing,” you need to be moving (in obedience) with
God, towards marriage restoration. Please understand, when we say moving, this does not mean pursuing
your husband. This means pursuing God. If you pursue God, then inevitably, your husband will pursue you
(Ps. 37:4)—and your marriage will be restored! However, if you pursue your husband, you will not only drive
him away from you, but away from God also!
Our ministry is not like most “standers” ministries, since we believe that you are not in a marital crisis, but a
spiritual crisis. We believe that this crisis was allowed by God to bring about the changes He desires in you!
We do not, therefore, concentrate on your Prodigal husband’s sin, but on yours.

My Personal Testimony

During my two years of believing God for my restoration, the Lord showed me that I was in a spiritual war.
As I began thinking of my trials and tests in this way, I made a decision to keep my thoughts and God’s
leading to myself. I never told my husband I was “standing“ for him, because I knew that it would have
driven him into marrying the other woman. Most men are the same; they want things to be “their” idea. They
hate manipulation and coercion. I know, personally, that the Lord led me to let my husband go, as it says in
Psalm1:1, 1 Corinthians 7:15, and in the parable of the prodigal who was allowed to leave and was not
pursued once he left. The main reason for my marriage crumbling was to allow the Lord to totally and
completely transform me. Keeping my eyes on Jesus the Author and finisher of my faith.
Stop Chasing Your Husband, Let Him Go!
166 Questions & Answers
We encourage all those who want their marriage restored, not to pursue the spouse that has left in any way,
shape or form (i.e. phone calls, cards, letters or flowers). We believe that the spouse that wants to leave
.should
“How be allowed
blessed to leave,
is the as isdoes
man who directed in Scripture
not walk in the
counsel of the wicked, nor STAND IN THE WAY of sinners...! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and
in His law he meditates day and night” (Ps. 1:1–2). “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, LET HIM LEAVE; the
brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15).

We, STRONGLY BELIEVE, that the husband should know that he is FREE to go—no strings attached! The father in
the parable of the prodigal son displayed this “letting go.”
In addition, your desire for your marriage to be restored should not be made public! It should be shared only
with those the Lord leads you to minister to “but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to
make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness
and reverence...” (1 Pet. 3:15). If this is mishandled, and used to show your “spirituality” as the Pharisees
did, it will backfire, since God sees your heart. It is also dangerous to share your belief with those who might
bring this information back to your husband.

Spiritual Arrogance

My biggest concern with those who come to our ministry when they are “standing“ for their marriage is that
too often they express a spiritual arrogance. This is what I refer to as a Pharisee spirit. Ladies, this is so
dangerous and WILL prevent God from moving your marriage toward restoration.

In “Be Encouraged!” videos I share my own sin regarding this spiritual pridefulness that God dealt with me
about. Here is a testimony we just received: “Just last night I prayed that God would show me what still needs
to be done in me in order for my marriage to be restored. In watching your videos I got my answer. It spoke
directly to me as if you knew me from the inside out. I have realized I am a Pharisee through and through. I
am terribly ashamed of it and am still asking the Lord‘s forgiveness. I am so glad that you humbly shared so
much personal testimony. Thank you for being so honest and real.”
I share how God showed me, in His Word, that Jesus was only harsh, critical, and opposed to one set of
individuals—the Pharisees! And I was one of them! There are so many Christian women who pretended to be
spiritual on the outside but are filthy on the inside. There are so many women who look at their husband’s
sins yet neglect to look at the log in their own eye. Ladies, this was me! I saw my husband, (me, and everyone
else) and HIS sin of adultery. However, no one could see my contentiousness, my deceitfulness, or my
spiritual arrogance.
Others saw me (and I saw myself) as the “poor victim” who had been abandoned and cheated on. But I, in my
self-righteousness, was willing to forgive. I was the one desperately trying to hold our broken family together.
I was the one waiting, with open arms, to forgive my husband “the sinner“ when he came to his senses, by
repenting and coming back home from the far country! Scribe, Pharisee, “white washed tomb”!!
If you can identify with this sinful and prideful mind-set, I would strongly urge to you get a hold of the “Be
Encouraged!” videotapes in order to rid yourself of this attitude, that not only will inhibit restoration, but will
also put you in opposition to a sincere relationship with God.

I Will Wait—FOREVER!!

Pursuing your husband or making strong statements will not help. This will only push him away! You cannot
stand in the way of a divorce either. Stop telling everyone about your “stand” and cry out to the Lord for
References 167
mercy. He ALONE can stop a divorce or turn your marriage around—NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE! This is a
spiritual battle and must be won in the spirit (a prayer closet matter!). When this battle is being fought in
the
“Forflesh it willsets
the flesh be lost in the flesh!
its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the
flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please” (Gal.
5:17).

A prodigal that is pursued will try harder to get away. If you send your husband a birthday card or other holiday
cards, you will only strengthen his relationship with the other woman because you have violated the three
Scriptures I mentioned in the beginning of this pamphlet.
Please don’t call your wayward husband. Don’t send him cards or continue telling him you love him (unless
he tells you first). And please don’t let him know that you are “standing“ for your marriage or tell him about
your covenant with God. If you continue “standing” for your marriage, you may just find yourself a lifelong
“stander!”

You’ll Know by Their Fruits

In a time when your future hangs in the balance, it is important that you are careful when seeking or accepting
counsel and help. How do you know whom you can trust? The Bible tells us, as believers, how to discern
whom we can trust and who we should stay away from. In Matt. 7:15–20 it tells us, “You will know them by
their fruits.”
When my husband confessed to being involved with another woman, I first sought the Lord. God totally
turned the situation around instantly. Unfortunately, I made a mistake later that I would regret for the rest of
my life! I followed the advice of someone who had NO FRUIT.

I read the destructive book on tough love, by a very popular “Christian“ psychologist, I was not aware of the
bad fruit this book was producing. It wasn’t until I began ministering to other women who, in tears, shared
with me that they had made the same mistake of following the advice given in this book—which resulted in
their husbands hating and despising them too!
Stay away from this book and avoid the destructive and unscriptural philosophy of tough love and ALL
psychology! This applies to “Christian“ psychology as well—poison dipped in chocolate is STILL POISON!
Before you accept help from anyone or any ministry, check the fruit. Do they have victory? Or are they
merely pointing the way? (Perhaps the way to YOUR destruction!) Is their foundation BASED solely on
Scripture?
 About the Author

Erin Thiele has been blessed to be the mother of four boys, Dallas, Axel, Easton, and Cooper, and three girls, Tyler,
Tara, and Macy. Her stand in faith for her marriage was founded on the Rock during her struggle to restore her
own marriage. In 1989 Erin’s husband left her for another woman and eventually divorced her. Restore Ministries
was begun when Erin searched every denomination in her area but was unable to find the help or hope that she
needed.
This book and the workbook A Wise Woman were originally one large book she wrote as the Lord led her to
seek Him and His Word for the answers and hope she needed. Later, this restoration portion of her book was
taken out of A Wise Woman to help the many women the Lord sent to Erin who were in marital crisis.

Erin has written other books with her distinctive style of using the Scriptures to minister to the brokenhearted
and the spiritual captives. “He sent His Word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions”
(Ps. 107:20).
 Index
attitude..8, 14, 24, 29, 65, 80, 85, 93, 94, 98, 99, 100, 107, 110, 115,
158
1 attorney.............................14, 16, 18, 60, 66, 75, 108, 150, 153, 155
1 Pet. 1............................................................................................26
1Cor. 11..........................................................................................12
1Cor. 13............................................................................14, 85, 101 B
1Cor. 14....................................................................................21, 42 baby...............................................................18, 24, 57, 93, 103, 107
1Cor. 15........................................................................................108 backslidden.....................................................................................21
1Cor. 2......................................................................................45, 88 battle............................................................................5, 6, 64, 66, 67
1Cor. 3............................................................................................88 Be Encouraged....6, 17, 22, 25, 57, 58, 64, 65, 85, 88, 108, 112, 158
1Cor. 6....................................................................8, 18, 59, 62, 151 Be Encouraged videos.....................................................................17
1Cor. 7............................15, 58, 59, 61, 87, 118, 121, 146, 157, 158 Bible............................7, 8, 10, 12, 13, 14, 21, 41, 42, 46, 61, 62, 76
1John 1......................................................................................5, 118 bipolar.............................................................................................14
1Pet. 2.....................................................................................10, 111 birthday.................................................................24, 28, 54, 56, 159
1Pet. 37, 8, 10, 14, 25, 45, 61, 83, 99, 107, 110, 111, 113, 115, 151, Birthday...........................................................................................55
bitter as wormwood.........................................................................15
bitterness.......................................................................6, 41, 42, 146
158
blessing.................................................................................8, 14, 77
1Pet. 4.............................................................................................13 BLESSING.......................................................................................8
1Pet. 5...................................................................................6, 41, 43
blessings..................14, 18, 23, 43, 45, 63, 70, 82, 86, 115, 119, 146
1Sam. 1...........................................................................................16
bondage...............................................................................15, 61, 87
1Sam. 15........................................................................106, 113, 115
break the cords..........................................................................13, 93
1Sam. 16........................................................................................115
breakthrough.................................................................12, 53, 80, 89
1Tim. 2....................................................................................31, 110
broken.....6, 12, 32, 53, 60, 63, 66, 81, 83, 88, 93, 94, 149, 150, 158
broken family................................................................................158
2
2Chr. 20..........................................................................................81
2Cor......................................................................5, 6, 15, 58, 62, 82
2Cor. 12........................................................................................154 C
2Sam. 16.........................................................................................14 changes...7, 22, 23, 24, 30, 32, 61, 66, 80, 90, 95, 96, 102, 108, 119,
2Tim. 1..........................................................................................112
2Tim. 4..........................................................................................110 153, 157
2Timothy 1....................................................................................117 chaste......................................................................7, 10, 14, 25, 111
cheating.............................................................................................7
children10, 12, 16, 17, 18, 22, 24, 25, 29, 31, 42, 44, 46, 53, 54, 55,
56, 61, 65, 66, 67, 70, 77, 80, 81, 82, 84, 85, 86, 87, 89, 90, 93,
A 94, 97, 99, 100, 103, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 113, 114,
abandoned...............................................................46, 100, 119, 158 117, 119, 145, 146, 150, 151, 152, 153, 155
abandoning......................................................................................14 Christian.....7, 12, 13, 14, 21, 22, 42, 45, 71, 76, 77, 84, 95, 98, 111,
abomination........................................................8, 70, 72, 74, 75, 76 146, 147, 148, 150, 151, 158, 159
abuse.........................................................................................10, 59 Christians10, 15, 18, 45, 46, 47, 64, 67, 72, 76, 82, 90, 98, 118, 147,
abusive......................................................................................10, 14 148, 149
actions...............................7, 8, 45, 93, 100, 101, 113, 114, 150, 152 Christmas........................................................16, 55, 56, 67, 97, 102
Acts 4............................................................................................147 church...15, 17, 21, 22, 26, 31, 42, 45, 46, 55, 57, 60, 68, 71, 74, 82,
addict...............................................................................................12
91, 93, 98, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 113, 115, 116, 121,
adulterers.........................................................................................11 149, 150
adulteress..7, 8, 17, 41, 42, 52, 59, 60, 61, 86, 88, 97, 100, 102, 117
adulterous..............................................7, 8, 9, 11, 29, 52, 74, 76, 97 cocaine..................................................................................See drug
adultery..5, 6, 7, 8, 15, 17, 18, 42, 44, 52, 60, 63, 66, 70, 74, 76, 80, codependent..............................................................................12, 45
Col. 3.....................................................................106, 110, 113, 116
communication................................................23, 24, 28, 58, 98, 102
81, 83, 84, 86, 91, 97, 98, 99, 101, 104, 105, 109, 118, 158 condemnation..............................................................30, 45, 57, 155
adversary....................................................6, 7, 41, 43, 91, 101, 111 confess...................................................................................5, 25, 63
affair..................................................................5, 6, 74, 98, 101, 103 confessed.............................................5, 63, 66, 80, 84, 91, 118, 159
alcohol.......................................................................................12, 15 confesses.............................................................................63, 66, 84
alcoholic..........................................................................................12 confessing.......................................................................................84
Amos 3...........................................................................................154 contentious wife................................................................................5
anger.....5, 10, 17, 18, 27, 32, 43, 64, 67, 75, 80, 81, 87, 89, 97, 107, contentious woman...............................................85, 87, 88, 94, 106
152, 155 contentiousness...............................................................88, 106, 158
angry.............................................................6, 14, 22, 28, 61, 64, 97 controlling.................................................................................16, 30
anniversary..................................................................................6, 98 conviction......................................................................18, 65, 67, 75
apologize.....................................................25, 30, 94, 108, 113, 154 cords................13, 29, 41, 42, 52, 64, 75, 80, 81, 88, 92, 93, 94, 102
cords of his sin..........................................13, 52, 80, 81, 93, 94, 103
apologizing......................................................................................30
corruption....................................................................................6, 60
apology,...........................................................................................30
counsel................................................................68, 85, 87, 146, 159
arrogance.................................................................................11, 158
170 Questions & Answers
counseling...............................................................3, 41, 42, 43, 100 fast..11, 12, 17, 23, 24, 25, 51, 52, 53, 64, 67, 80, 81, 83, 91, 93, 94,
countenance........................................................31, 55, 85, 149, 155 95, 103, 108
court..........................................................................8, 18, 25, 60, 89 fasting....................................3, 12, 13, 44, 51, 52, 53, 58, 64, 66, 67
court of law.......................................................................................8 father6, 9, 16, 17, 25, 43, 55, 60, 65, 67, 77, 81, 86, 87, 93, 98, 100,
covenant............................................................................52, 72, 159 109, 145, 146, 151, 152, 158
Covenant Keepers.............................................................31, 54, 108 father-in-law....................................................................................17
crisis....3, 23, 24, 28, 51, 60, 67, 68, 95, 99, 100, 102, 110, 114, 157 financial support..............................................................................28
cut the cords....................................................................................15 first marriage...................................................................8, 11, 71, 72
first spouse..................................................................................8, 75
flesh......6, 8, 16, 44, 53, 58, 60, 62, 64, 67, 71, 76, 90, 91, 108, 122,
D 146, 152, 153, 154, 159
for favor..........................................................17, 51, 52, 53, 80, 105
dating........................................................................................17, 57 forgive.................5, 6, 7, 28, 58, 74, 87, 88, 117, 118, 147, 151, 158
daughter.....19, 22, 28, 43, 64, 65, 67, 81, 83, 86, 97, 110, 111, 119, forgiveness................5, 6, 7, 8, 16, 25, 27, 63, 75, 92, 101, 118, 158
147, 155 forgiving..........................................................................................44
daughters...............................................................16, 22, 51, 52, 100 fruit..................................................................................16, 150, 159
deceased............................................................................................8 fruits..........................................................................22, 63, 149, 159
defiled..............................................................7, 8, 70, 72, 74, 75, 76 funeral.............................................................................................54
deliverance..........................................................................12, 55, 56
demonic.....................................................................................11, 14
destroying speculations.................................................................5, 6 G
Deut. 10...........................................................................................88
Deut. 22...............................................................................9, 76, 151 Gal. 5...........................................................................67, 70, 76, 159
Deut. 24.........................................................8, 70, 72, 74, 75, 76, 98 Gal. 6.......................................................................60, 101, 110, 148
Deut. 30...........................................................................................88 Gen. 2............................................................................................146
devil5, 6, 8, 14, 24, 26, 29, 30, 32, 41, 43, 45, 52, 53, 58, 61, 62, 67, Gen. 21....................................................................................93, 103
72, 81, 82, 83, 89, 90, 97, 98, 100, 101, 103, 106, 109, 110, 113, Gen. 24..........................................................................................151
118, 148, 155 Gen. 4......................................................................................85, 155
disobedient..........7, 10, 14, 25, 82, 99, 107, 110, 111, 113, 114, 115 gentle and quiet spirit......................................61, 75, 83, 85, 99, 154
divorce...6, 7, 8, 9, 16, 21, 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 41, 44, God’s will........................................................................................14
God's healing...................................................................................16
45, 46, 52, 57, 58, 59, 60, 65, 66, 67, 70, 71, 72, 74, 75, 76, 81,
God's will........................................29, 56, 67, 68, 71, 104, 146, 148
82, 83, 85, 87, 88, 89, 90, 93, 94, 95, 96, 98, 100, 102, 104, 107,
God's Word.................21, 74, 82, 89, 91, 92, 97, 102, 107, 112, 113
109, 112, 114, 121, 147, 149, 150, 151, 153, 154, 158
guilt.........................................................30, 57, 58, 64, 80, 117, 155
divorced5, 6, 8, 16, 17, 18, 22, 24, 26, 41, 45, 46, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57,
59, 65, 66, 67, 71, 74, 76, 80, 81, 83, 85, 98, 105, 107, 108, 110,
111, 114, 119, 121, 122, 147, 151
divorcing.......................................................8, 23, 26, 55, 60, 81, 87 H
doubt...............................5, 6, 25, 29, 41, 57, 61, 70, 77, 85, 96, 154
drinking..........................................................................See alcoholic harlot.......................................................................8, 52, 86, 97, 151
drug...........................................................................................10, 12 hate wall..........................................................16, 22, 25, 55, 97, 122
drugs................................................................................................15 healed..............................................................3, 10, 46, 98, 111, 157
healing.............................................................32, 46, 72, 74, 98, 148
Heb. 12..............................................................................................6
E Hebr. 11.....................................................................................47, 67
Hebr. 13...........................................................................................26
Easter..............................................................................................21 Hebrews 13...................................................................................118
Eccl. 4.............................................................................................52 e- hedge of protection.........................................................................62
mail............................................................5, 24, 67, 108, 145, 152 hedge of thorns..........................................................................85, 95
enemy.....5, 6, 18, 29, 64, 68, 75, 82, 89, 92, 95, 109, 111, 113, 115, helpmeet............................................................................13, 96, 114
His Word.........22, 31, 46, 58, 63, 70, 71, 84, 85, 106, 150, 153, 158
119 holiday.....................................................................................54, 159
Eph. 2................................................................................................8 holidays.........................................................................16, 54, 55, 97
Eph. 5..........................31, 69, 71, 104, 106, 107, 110, 113, 115, 116 Holy Spirit...........................................7, 21, 62, 63, 67, 70, 146, 154
Eph. 6..............................................................................6, 26, 58, 62 Homosexuals.....................................................................................8
Esth. 4.............................................................................................52 hope3, 6, 7, 10, 23, 24, 41, 44, 45, 46, 54, 55, 61, 62, 64, 65, 72, 75,
Esther..................................................................................52, 58, 88
Exod. 20..........................................................................................71 76, 81, 82, 86, 90, 91, 95, 105, 107, 112, 117, 118, 119, 152, 158
Exod. 22........................................................................................151 hopeless...............................................................3, 5, 21, 42, 63, 150
Exod. 34..........................................................................................52 HOPELESS.................................................................................3, 41
Ezek. 22..............................................................................13, 52, 80 Hosea.......................................................................................88, 107
humble...........................................................7, 14, 60, 118, 149, 152
humility.............................................................................5, 6, 10, 66
F husband..5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, 23, 24,
25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 47, 52, 54, 55,
faith..14, 17, 22, 30, 41, 47, 62, 66, 67, 72, 82, 84, 88, 89, 102, 103, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 70, 71, 72, 74,
107, 109, 110, 114, 118, 119, 148, 150, 155, 157 75, 76, 77, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93,
family time........................................................................21, 22, 114 far 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107,
country.....................................................................................158 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 117, 118, 119, 121, 122,
 Index 171
145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 157, 158, Love................................................................10, 13, 55, 85, 94, 100
159 Luke 1..........................................................................14, 30, 67, 147
husband's will............................................................................27, 29 Luke 12..........................................................................................155
Luke 16.............................................................................................8
Luke 17..........................................................................................148
I Luke 18..........................................................................7, 11, 81, 117
Luke 4........................................................................................14, 52
I Corinthians 1..............................................................................118 I Luke 6....................................................................13, 18, 84, 95, 106
don't love you.........................................................................14, 85 I Luke 8......................................................................................14, 149
John 1.........................................................................................117 I Luke 9.............................................................................................67
Peter 5........................................................................................118 lust.....................................................................................10, 71, 119
idolatry..........................................................................113, 115, 153 II
Corinthians 9.............................................................................117
iniquities..............................................................................13, 52, 80 M
Internet................................................................................7, 11, 149
intimacy....................................16, 57, 58, 59, 61, 77, 114, 119, 153
marijuana...............................................................................See drug
intimate....3, 5, 9, 13, 18, 32, 42, 46, 47, 57, 58, 59, 66, 75, 76, 107,
Mark 10.....................................................................................8, 154
114, 151 Mark 11...........................................................................................87
Is. 30................................................................................................96 Isa. Mark 5.............................................................................................15
30............................................................................................112 Isa. Mark 9.............................................................................................14
43..............................................................................................26 Isa. marriage.3, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, 15, 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 30, 31, 41,
45............................................................................................154 Isa. 42, 45, 46, 52, 54, 58, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 70, 71, 72, 74, 75,
54..............................................................................................74 Isa. 76, 77
58........................................................................................52, 53 married man......................................................................................9
Isa. 9..............................................................................................145 Matt 5............................................................................................121
Matt. 10.........................................................................................117
Matt. 11.........................................................................................118
J Matt. 14...........................................................................................26
Matt. 17.........................................................13, 52, 53, 80, 148, 150
James 1.......................................................................65, 66, 97, 147 Matt. 18.........................................................................47, 65, 70, 82
James 2.....................................................................................82, 84 Matt. 19.......................................................................................8, 12
James 4............................................................7, 10, 29, 84, 119, 147 Matt. 23.........................................................................................100
James 5..............................................................................5, 100, 150 Matt. 26.............................................................................................8
Jer. 17.....................................................................60, 100, 108, 148 Matt. 5...7, 14, 18, 28, 72, 74, 84, 101, 107, 111, 112, 115, 146, 151
Jesus...7, 8, 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 26, 45, 52, 57, 67, 71, 72, 75, 76, 82, Matt. 6.......................................................................67, 85, 108, 122
Matt. 7...................................47, 59, 84, 97, 100, 148, 150, 155, 159
83, 95, 99, 106, 111, 113, 118, 146, 147, 149, 154, 155, 157, 158
Matthew 11...................................................................................117
Job 42............................................................................................151
men's book..........................................................................23, 26, 31
John 13..........................................................................................117
minister.......................................................47, 57, 62, 112, 147, 158
John 14..........................................................................................106
John 16..........................................................................................145 ministry..3, 7, 30, 31, 32, 65, 68, 71, 76, 84, 98, 111, 119, 146, 147,
John 3............................................................................................117 151, 153, 154, 157, 158, 159
John 8..................................................................................7, 14, 113
miracle...............................................................................17, 67, 118
judge..............................................................8, 25, 84, 100, 102, 107
miscarriage......................................................................................18
mistakes.....................22, 61, 63, 65, 66, 67, 81, 91, 93, 94, 117, 150
mother-in-law..............................................................16, 28, 82, 109
K Mother-in-law.................................................................................28
Mother's Day...................................................................................54
KNOWLEDGE................................................................................. 5 mouth shut.................................................................................8, 102

L N
lawyer......................................................................................41, 149 Neh. 8..............................................................................................99
legal.............................................................................................8, 87 New years........................................................................................16 not
lesbians..............................................................................................8 let returning evil for evil....................................................8, 14, 151 Num.
go...................................................22, 24, 29, 41, 67, 87, 92, 122 letting 14...........................................................................................89
go...............................................................8, 86, 87, 122, 158 liar 151
lies...........................................9, 41, 82, 89, 101, 112, 118, 150, 151
living at home.................................................................56, 100, 101
Lord....3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, O
obedience.....5, 6, 7, 18, 53, 66, 81, 82, 99, 102, 103, 104, 112, 113,
26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 51, 52, 53, 115, 153, 157
54, 55, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 70, 71, 72, 74, old flame...........................................................................................7
75, 76, 77, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, one flesh................................................................8, 9, 12, 57, 76, 77
94, 95, 96, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, ONE FLESH.....................................................................................8
109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119, 122, 145, other man..........................................................................................7
146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 157, 158, 159 other woman.6, 15, 18, 25, 44, 46, 77, 92, 93, 96, 99, 100, 101, 102,
172 Questions & Answers
103, 145, 155, 157, 159 psychology..................................................................13, 30, 44, 159
OW........................................................................See Other Woman. pursue..............................22, 27, 31, 32, 56, 68, 71, 75, 86, 157, 158
pursuing.............................24, 27, 28, 30, 54, 68, 71, 96, 97, 98, 157
Pursuing........................................................................................158
P
parents.........................................10, 16, 18, 24, 86, 87, 97, 110, 146 Q
passed away......................................................................................8
perfect timing............................................................................24, 25 Quiet time........................................................................................21
Pharisee.................................................11, 62, 81, 84, 108, 152, 158
Pharisees.......................................................................108, 149, 158
Phil........................................5, 67, 74, 82, 89, 95, 99, 101, 106, 111 R
Phil. 4............................................................................................155
Philippians 4.................................................................................117 rebellion..............................................21, 28, 66, 106, 113, 115, 122
praise......5, 14, 22, 24, 46, 52, 55, 57, 59, 63, 67, 86, 89, 91, 95, 98, reconciled..................................................................................15, 84
100, 119 reconciliation.................................................................15, 70, 72, 87
praise the Lord..........................................................................22, 52 Rejection.........................................................................................45
pray3, 5, 7, 11, 15, 17, 18, 21, 22, 24, 25, 26, 27, 42, 46, 52, 53, 54, rejoice..................................................................................14, 59, 74
relationship.7, 8, 9, 15, 16, 17, 18, 21, 23, 24, 25, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
55, 57, 59, 61, 64, 66, 67, 74, 77, 80, 81, 82, 83, 85, 87, 89, 90,
91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 97, 102, 103, 106, 107, 108, 110, 114, 115, 41, 42, 47, 54, 59, 61, 62, 71, 77, 84, 85, 92, 93, 94, 105, 106,
111, 113, 114, 117, 121, 122, 145, 147, 152, 158, 159
117, 119, 147, 151, 153, 154, 155
PRAY................................................................................................7 remarriage...................................................................46, 75, 76, 121
prayer........................5, 13, 21, 23, 27, 52, 53, 55, 58, 59, 66, 68, 71 remarried...................17, 24, 55, 56, 70, 71, 72, 74, 76, 77, 102, 121
prayer closet..............................................................22, 85, 111, 159 repent.................14, 16, 23, 25, 60, 61, 63, 74, 86, 95, 106, 107, 150
prayer warriors................................................................................17 repentance.........................................................6, 55, 63, 76, 98, 101
prayers...17, 18, 27, 52, 58, 63, 67, 80, 86, 88, 91, 95, 146, 151, 152 repentant............................................................................................6
praying...8, 11, 15, 17, 18, 21, 45, 52, 53, 58, 60, 65, 71, 72, 74, 81, repented.............................................6, 8, 25, 31, 63, 67, 74, 90, 118
repenting...........................................................................25, 65, 158
84, 85, 87, 90, 91, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 103, 105, 112, 114, resources.....................................................................................7, 23
149, 150, 151, 152, 155 RESPECT.........................................................................................7
pregnant....................................................................10, 19, 103, 107 respectful.............................................................7, 8, 10, 14, 25, 111
pride........................................................................7, 11, 44, 61, 152 restoration....3, 5, 6, 8, 15, 16, 18, 25, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 42, 45, 46,
prideful..........................................................................................158
prodigal.......................................................11, 60, 87, 157, 158, 159 51, 55, 57, 61, 62, 65, 66, 68, 72, 74, 77, 82, 84, 86, 87, 88, 89,
Prov. 10...................................................................................13, 113 90, 91, 92, 94, 96, 97, 98, 99, 102, 103, 106, 108, 109, 114, 117,
Prov. 11...............................................................................18, 55, 83 118, 119, 122, 146, 147, 148, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 157, 158
Prov. 12...............................................................................18, 41, 43 Restore Ministries.........................................................................166
Prov. 14.....................................................................45, 65, 100, 108 Restore Your Marriage.5, 7, 46, 59, 70, 71, 76, 82, 94, 95, 154, 155
Prov. 15...........................................................................................47 restored3, 7, 14, 17, 23, 26, 30, 31, 41, 42, 44, 46, 52, 54, 59, 62, 64,
Prov. 16...............................................26, 61, 87, 105, 106, 107, 108 66, 74, 76, 82, 84, 86, 90, 91, 92, 95, 97, 98, 99, 102, 107, 108,
Prov. 17.............................................................13, 18, 26, 32, 41, 42 109, 111, 117, 119, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 153, 154, 157,
Prov. 21...............................................................30, 71, 86, 106, 145 158
Prov. 22.....................................................................................52, 97
Prov. 23.....................................................................................52, 97 restored marriage............................................................41, 109, 117
Prov. 24.....................................................................................31, 76 restoring................................................................14, 25, 27, 68, 109
Prov. 27...................................................................................61, 106 restraining order..............................................................................60
Prov. 28...............................................................................63, 66, 84 Return kindness.................................................................................8
Prov. 29.........................................................................................150 Rev. 12............................................................................81, 118, 147
Prov. 3.......................................................................................26, 88 Rev. 2.........................................................................................60, 86
Prov. 30...........................................................................61, 147, 151 righteous..........................................5, 11, 81, 84, 118, 146, 150, 155
Prov. 5.................................................13, 52, 58, 59, 60, 80, 86, 100 Rom 7............................................................................................121
Prov. 6.............................................................................................86 Rom. 1...........................................................................................112
Prov. 9.............................................................................................47 Rom. 12...................................................................8, 13, 41, 43, 151
Proverbs 16.....................................................................................87 Rom. 13...................................................................................57, 107
Rom. 2...........................................................................................146
Proverbs 3.....................................................................................117
Ps. 1................................................................................87, 157, 158 Rom. 4.......................................................................................81, 86
Rom. 6.....................................................................................18, 113
Ps. 112............................................................................................55
Ps. 119............................................................................................65 Rom. 7...........................................................................................117
Rom. 8.....................................................................................18, 155
Ps. 146............................................................................................17
Ps. 16..............................................................................................59 Roman 8........................................................................................117
Romans 12.....................................................................................118
Ps. 23..............................................................................................14
Ps. 27...............................................................................................86 Romans 8.......................................................................................117
Ps. 37.....................................................5, 30, 96, 105, 145, 155, 157
Ps. 50..............................................................................................71
Ps. 51........................................................................................81, 88
Ps. 88........................................................26, 30, 60, 62, 71, 86, 154
S
Psalm 1..........................................................................................146
salvation................18, 45, 75, 77, 81, 82, 95, 98, 112, 117, 147, 151
Sarah...........................58, 93, 99, 103, 107, 110, 112, 113, 115, 151
Satan........................................5, 46, 58, 59, 62, 71, 89, 99, 148, 152
 Index 173
Scribe............................................................................................158 transformation.................................................................................90
scriptural principles.........................................................................10 transgression...................................................................................13
Scriptures..............................14, 18, 41, 42, 57, 58, 61, 62, 110, 159 trial..................................................................53, 110, 150, 151, 153
second marriage........................................................................11, 76 tribulations......................................................................................60
self-righteousness..........................................................106, 150, 158 trouble in paradise.......................................................................6, 93
separated5, 11, 16, 18, 24, 25, 30, 32, 41, 42, 51, 52, 54, 56, 57, 58,
60, 61, 62, 66, 80, 81, 82, 85, 88, 89, 94, 97, 105, 108, 110, 112,
122, 145, 146 U
sexually.............................................................................18, 76, 151
sharp tongue......................................................................15, 75, 114 ultimatums.......................................................................................13
sin 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 52, 60, 62, 63, 64, 66, 70, 72, 74, 75, unbelieving spouse..........................................................................21
76, 77, 97 unconditional love.........................13, 32, 75, 93, 100, 101, 103, 122
sinful...................................................................................8, 98, 158 unconfessed.................................................................................6, 66
single.......7, 28, 55, 65, 66, 74, 76, 82, 106, 111, 117, 118, 119, 147 unfaithfulness........................................5, 6, 7, 15, 27, 42, 57, 80, 84
Singles’ Groups...............................................................................65 Unfaithfulness...................................................................................6
sinner.............................................................6, 7, 11, 66, 81, 93, 158 unscriptural...............................................................76, 85, 154, 159
slave..........................................................................18, 64, 113, 150
son....5, 6, 14, 17, 18, 55, 56, 59, 60, 64, 67, 85, 87, 91, 92, 93, 103,
110, 111, 152, 155, 158 V
special occasions.............................................................................55
Spirit..................................45, 60, 67, 88, 90, 92, 101, 145, 146, 155 valley of the shadow of death.........................................................14
spiritual attack.................................................................................26 videos..............3, 7, 24, 26, 27, 29, 46, 51, 57, 58, 59, 64, 67, 70, 71
spiritual battle.........................................................................88, 159
spiritual growth...............................................................................21
spiritual leader.................................................................................22 W
spouse3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 21, 23, 25, 26, 27, 52, 55, 60,
wedding.................6, 11, 57, 58, 81, 86, 94, 106, 109, 121, 122, 152
64, 65, 67, 72, 75, 76, 77, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 96, 97, 98, 99,
widow..................................................................................8, 17, 118
101, 102, 103, 105, 109, 121, 122, 145, 150, 151, 154, 158 wife..6, 7, 8, 9, 15, 16, 18, 24, 25, 28, 31, 41, 43, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59,
stand in the gap...................................................................13, 52, 80
60, 62, 64, 70, 71, 72, 74, 75, 76, 77, 83, 87, 97, 98, 99, 101,
stander.....................................................................................11, 159
103, 104, 107, 108, 111, 112, 113, 114, 118, 122, 146, 150, 151,
standing......7, 8, 11, 16, 41, 59, 72, 81, 95, 100, 146, 148, 149, 157,
153
158, 159
Wife...............................................................................................113
strife............................................................................13, 75, 88, 113
wife of his youth...............................................................................6
strongholds......................................................................................12
winning him without a word...........................................................27
submissive....7, 10, 14, 25, 57, 66, 99, 105, 106, 107, 110, 111, 112,
Wise Woman........5, 7, 21, 46, 70, 71, 91, 92, 95, 145, 152, 154, 157
113, 114, 115, 152 wives....6, 7, 10, 14, 25, 31, 62, 65, 68, 99, 106, 107, 110, 111, 113,
submit................................................29, 71, 102, 106, 108, 112, 114
115, 116, 122
women's workbook...........................................................................7
Women's Workbook.............................................................145, 152
T won without a word...................7, 10, 14, 25, 99, 107, 111, 113, 115
Word of God.................................................................3, 23, 46, 147
Take EVERY thought captive..........................................................6
workbook for women........................................................21, 26, 109
teenage............................................................................................16
teens................................................................................................90
testimonies........................................16, 41, 44, 46, 91, 99, 104, 147
testimony.............................................41, 80, 88, 112, 147, 149, 158 Y
testing......................................................................................25, 102
Titus 2.............................................................................42, 106, 112 yoke...................................................................................52, 53, 118
tough love...............................................................................44, 159
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