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Cedarville University
DigitalCommons@Cedarville
Faculty Books

1975

Creating a Successful Christian Marriage

Cleveland McDonald
Cedarville University

Philip McDonald

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Recommended Citation
McDonald, Cleveland and McDonald, Philip, "Creating a Successful Christian Marriage" (1975). Faculty Books. 39.
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Creating a Successful Christian Marriage
Disciplines
Christianity | Family, Life Course, and Society | Social Psychology and Interaction

Publisher
Baker Book House

Publisher's Note
Cleveland McDonald and Philip McDonald. Creating a Successful Christian Marriage. Baker Academic, a
division of Baker Publishing Group. Copyright 1994. Used by permission.

http://www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

ISBN
0801059577

This book is available at DigitalCommons@Cedarville: https://digitalcommons.cedarville.edu/faculty_books/39

 Contents

Preface to the Fourth Edition 13

Preface to the First Edition 15
Acknowledgments 17

Part 1 The Formation of the Family

1. Culture and the Secular Family 21
Change Is Inevitable 21
Change Is Progressive 22
Industrialization and Change 22
Urbanization and Role Changes 24
Geographic Mobility and the Family 25
Secularism and the Family 26
Technological Change 27
Social Policy and Change 30
Change and the Christian Family 30
2. Culture and the Christian Family 33
The Crisis in Christian Families 33
The Necessity for Bible Knowledge 34
The Divine Origin of Marriage 35
Eve Created as Adam's Companion 36
The Most Important Verses 37
The Principle of Leaving 38
The leaving Principle 39
Th One-Fle h Principl 40
The Leader hip Principl 41
Mosaic Law and the Family 42
ong of Solomon 43
Christ and Marriage 43
Th Apostl Paul and Marriage 44

7
Content

Part2 Factors in Successful Marriage

3. Cultural Influences 49
Four Criteria of Success 49
Necessity of the New Birth 51
Importance of Personality Compatibility 52
Influences of the Cultural Background 53
Necessity for Similar Education 54
Religion and the Choice of a Marriage Partner 54
Family Size and Compatibility of Marriage Partners 54
Age at Time of Marriage 55
Ethnic Background 56
Racial Background 56
Communicatio n 57
Compatibility 58
The Cohesive ature of Love 59
4. Christian Role Concepts 61
Definition of Roles 61
Confusion of Roles in American ociety 62
The Secular Women' Liberation Movement 62
The Evangelical Women's Movement 63
criptural Role for the Wife 65
criptural Role for the Hu band 68
Roles P rtaining pecifically to Chri tian Couple 70
Role onflict 70
Dominance- ubmi ion Pattern 71
Divi ion of Labor in the Home 74
Achieving Balance in Rol Playing 75
5. Spiritual Maturity
Th c ity of Maturity in Marriage 79
Th w Birth and piritual Maturity 80
hara t ri ti of th piritually Mature Per on 81
M a uring motional Maturity 82
hara t ri ti of th motionally Mature P r on 83
Maturity for Marriag and hronological ge 88
Maturity and oil g Marriag 89
Maturity and Military Marriag 89
Maturity and u ful Marriag 90
6. Romantic Love
Differ nt Kind of Lov 93
D finition of Lov in th r k Languag 94
D finition of Roman ti Lov 95
ompon nt of Romantic Lov 96
Infatuation and Romanti Lov 99
an a P r on Lov Two P opl at the am Time? 100
Wh n I a Per on R ally in Lov ? 100
Love at Fir t ight 101
I It Po ible to Fall in Lov ? 102
The Diff ren e B tween Love and Lu t 102
The Synthesi of Love 104

8
 ontent

Part 3 Forming a Marriage Relationship

7. Dating l 09
Boy Meets Girl 109
Dating and Social Class in America 109
Dating-A Learning Experience 110
Dating and Personal tandard of Conduct 112
Problems of Going Steady 114
Danger of Dating Unsaved Persons ll5
Age and Dating 116
Parental Roles in Dating 117
The Rapid Development of College Relation hip 118
Why Some College Students Do Not Date 118
Indications of Dating Incompatibility 123
8. The Engagement, Wedding, and Honeymoon 127
Engagement in the Bible 127
Engagement as a Social Ritual 127
Functions of an Engagement 128
Conflicts in an Engagement 130
Confessing the Sins of the Past Life 131
Premarital Counseling 132
The Length of the Engagement 132
Breaking an Engagement 135
The Marriage Ceremony 137
The Reception 139
The Honeymoon 139

Part 4 Fellowship in Marriage

9. Communication in Marriage 14 7
Importance of Communication 147
Communication Defined 148
The Importance of Listening 149
Barriers to Communication 151
Communication and Conflict in Marriage 154
Managing Conflict in Marriage 154
10. Intimacy in Marriage 161
Intimacy Defined 161
Subcultural Barrier to Intimacy 162
Phy ical Barriers to Intimacy 164
Psychological Barriers to Intimacy 165
Time Necessary to Achi v Intima y 166
Sexual Intima y in Marriage 167
Fa tors Hindering exual Intima y 170
piritual Intima y in Marriag 173
Family Devotion 174
onclusion 175

9
ontents

11. The Extended Family 179

Marriage and the Extended Family 179
In-Law Problems Caused by Parents 181
In-Law Problems Caused by Married Children 183
Major Periods ofln-Law Adjustment 184
Conclusion 187
12. ChristianParenthoo d 191
The Biblical Model 191
The Importance of Values 192
Preparation for Parenthood 193
Parental Responsibilities 195
Special Role of Fathers 198
The Well-Adjusted Child 200
Principles of Discipline 203
Signs of Dysfunction 205
Developing a urturing Environment 207

Part 5 Family Finances

13. Stewardship and Budgeting 211
Money and Conflict in Marriage 211
teward hip or Tithing? 213
Who hould Handle the Money? 217
Financial Planning 218
Dual-Income ouple 221
Th Family Budg t 225
teward a on umer 227
teward and th U of redit 228
Th t ward and a Will 2 1

14. Major Purchases and JnvestJnents 235

The t ward and aving ount 235
Th t ward and Hom Own r hip 236
Th t ward and utomobil 239
t ward and in uran 244
t ward and Inv tm nt 248

Part 6 Fragmented Familie

15. The Single Life 255
The ingl Life and the Will of 255
Rea on Why om Peopl Do ot Marry 257
Advantag of th ingl Lif 260
Di advantag of th ingl Lif 261
elf-Fulfillment and th ingl Life 264
The ingle Mis ionary 265
The Church and It R pon ibility to ingle People 267
Conclu ion 269

10
 Conlenls

16. The Single-Parent Family 271

The Single-Parent Phenomenon 271
Who Are the Single Parent ? 271
The Single Parent and Children 273
The Single Parent and Finances 276
The Single Parent and Dating 277
The Single Parent and the Extended Family 279
The Church and the Single Parent 280
17. The Blended Family 283
Introduction 283
The Prevalence of Divorce 284
The Causes of Divorce 285
Limited Divorce 288
The Effects of Divorce on Parents 288
The Effects of Divorce on Children 291
Divorce and Sexuality 293
Establishing the Blended Family 294
The Church, Divorce, and Remarriage 295
Prevention of Divorce 298
18. Counseling/or Family Problems 301
The Importance of Counseling 301
Why Counseling Services Are Not Utilized 302
Why Couples Fail to Seek Counseling 303
Dysfunctional Families 305
The Church and Counseling 305
Christian Psychologists and Psychiatrists as Counselors 308
Christian Social Workers as Counselors 309
Secular Counselors 309
Private Marriage Counselors 310
Necessity of Seeking Help Early 311
Conclusion 311

Part 7 The Future of the Family

19. International Living 315
Our Global Society 315
The Cross-Cultural Experience 316
Adjusting to Culture Shock 316
Setting Up a Household 318
Rearing Children Overseas 320
Coping with Stress 322
Success in Living Overseas 323
The Foreign-Living Cycle 325
20. Trends in the American Family 327
A New Definition of the Family? 327
~ chnology and th Family 328
Dual -Income Families 328
Adult hildren at Ilome 329
Age at Marriage 329

11
Content

The Women's Movement 329

Choosing Not to Marry 330
The "Birth Dearth" 331
Changing Economic Patterns 331
Social Mobility 332
Divorce and Remarriage 333
The Elderly 335
Education for Marriage 336
Social Policies and the Family 337
The Church and the Family 339

Bibliography 343
Index 353

12
 Preface to the fourth Edition

The challenge to revise a textbook that has been so well received has
resulted in an expanded edition. In preparation for rewriting, we sent a
questionnaire to sixty Christian institutions, asking them to rank subjects
that should be included in a Christian text. More than forty instructors
replied, and they included several hundred responses from their students.
We cannot list all these individuals, but we thank them for their
cooperation. -
The replies from profe sors and students were tabulated separately. It
was amazing how closely they agreed on what subjects should be included
or omitted. They were not interested in such subjects as abortion, homo-
sexuality, or date rape. Consequently, these areas are not treated at length.
However, they did indicate a desire for chapters in several areas not
treated at length in the first edition, and so new chapters on "The Single-
Parent Family" and "Communication" have been written. There was a
de ire for a chapter on "Intimacy." Parts of the previous chapter on ''Adjust-
ment in Marriage" have been included in the new chapter. Much interest
was expressed in divorce and remarriage. Some of the original chapter on
"Problems in the Christian Family" has been incorporated into a new chap-
ter on "The Blended Family."
A unique feature of the text is a new chapter written by Philip McDon-
ald on "International Living." As America become involved in a world
economy, more young families will be living abroad in government, bu i-
n s, and mi sionary ervice. Thi chapter will help prepare them for th ir
roles.
Philip, who has four pr t n children, has also written an entirely n w
chapt r on "Parenting."
a h of the r maining hapt rs ha b n r vis d, and om hav b en
ompl t ly r writt n. Th hapt r titl and paragraph heading may b
th am , but v ry paragraph has b n ar fully on id r d and many
r writt n. Mor than 90 p r nt of th sour it d ar n w, and h v
app ar d in th first dition was publi h d. Th d iding rit rion for

13
Preface to the Fourth Edition

changing or omitting was always, "What will discussion will enable professors to broaden
be most beneficial to a young person prepar- the students' knowledge.
ing for marriage?" Several professors who answered the ques-
The new edition has been organized into tionnaire asked that the text remain "thor-
seven sections, each of which treats one aspect oughly biblical." We have attempted to keep
of the family. Some of the chapters have been and to strengthen this emphasis. However, we
moved to reflect this new arrangement. carefully point out that in several areas there is
This text, like the first, is written from the not agreement among Bible scholars oncer-
functional viewpoint rather than the institu- tain subjects. This is particularly true in refer-
tional. It is specifically designed to equip young ence to interpretations concerning the roles of
people to make an intelligent choice of a mate, men and women. After presenting opposing
and to learn what to anticipate in marital inter- viewpoints, we have professed to what we
action. Biblical principles from the original edi- believe in upholding the traditional family and
tion have been reiterated to encourage growth its values.
in Christian maturity and conduct. The need for instruction in biblical princi-
Sociological jargon has been avoided and ples of family living is greater than ever. The
some inclusive language used. Suggested read- problems facing Christian young people and
ings for each chapter have been added to help the Christian home have multiplied since the
the student who desires more information on printing of the first edition. They seem to
the subject of that chapter. The "Personality increase with each passing year. This volume is
Inventories" that students found so helpful are ent forth with the prayer that it will bring glory
retained. and honor to our Lord Jesus Christ. May he be
An instructor's manual including a test bank pleased to use it in the formation and encour-
has been compiled. The additional items for agement of Chri tian home here and abroad.

14
 Preface to the first Edition

Solomon said, "Of making many books there is no end; and much study
is a weariness of the flesh." Although there are many books published today
covering various phases of Christian courtship and marriage, and many
Christian high schools, colleges, seminaries, and Bible institutes offer
courses in this area, there is no textbook written specifically for such
courses.
The author has studied the subject at the University of Pittsburgh and
Ohio State University and has been teaching a course in Marriage and the
Family for nineteen years in a Christian liberal arts college. He believes
this volume will help fill this void in Christian literature that has existed
so many years.
Those teaching in the field know there are two different ways of
approaching a course on the family-the functional and the institutional.
The functional course is primarily designed as a preparation-for-marriag e
course which attempts to give students some instruction in the process
of mate selection, and of the interaction which takes place in marriage
and family life. The institutional course treats the family from a sociolog-
ical perspective and is concerned with the relationship of the family to
other institutions of society.
This text is definitely written for the functional course in a Christian
institution. Hopefully, it will enable student to make a wi e choice of a
mate and the adjustment needed to live happily together. Most any young
person can learn to drive an automobile, but the in urance companies
have discovered that a cour e in driver' education makes a better and
afer driver. imilarly, any fellow or girl can date and g t marri d, but it
can be a much more njoyabl xp rience if th y know something about
the interaction that takes place. As one married student aid to the writer,
"I wish I had taken thi cour fiv years ago, for our marriag could hav
b en so mu h happi r if I had known th s things when we began our
married lif ."
There is a real n ed for more and b tt r pr marital ouns ling. Part of
the problem ha been th lack of a singl volume covering the many ar a

15
Preface to the First Edition

which the pastor wishes to treat in his limited helps to account for the high rate of marriage
time with an engaged couple. The pastor can failure. This text emphasizes the necessity for
now recommend the purchase and reading of individuals to know their spiritual, psycholog-
this volume by the young couple prior to coun- ical, and emotional needs in order to fulfill role
seling sessions. He may even require the com- expectations, and to meet the various needs of
pletion of the personality inventories to dis- those with whom they interact.
cover significant differences which can form Another aim of this volume is to alert the
the basis for some of the counseling sessions. young person to subtle cultural pressures that
A premarital counseling program based on the bear upon him. For example, Christian young
text should prepare the couple to enter mar- people are not immune to the romantic love
riage with a realistic view of what is involved in complex foisted on our culture by Hollywood
family living. and television. An attempt is made in these
Another purpose in writing this book is to pages to counteract this by stressing the impor-
provide a comprehensive volume that will be tance in courtship of seeking psychological
a source of information to many pastors, Chris- compatibility rather than physical compati-
tian Education directors, and youth leaders bility, since the major part of marital interac-
who have not had the privilege of systemati- tion is psychological rather than physical. It
cally studying these subjects in a classroom may be idealistic to think that most young peo-
setting. Hopefully, these counselors will be bet- ple will choose their mates on the basis of psy-
ter prepared to deal with questions concern- chological rather than physical compatibility,
ing dating, courtship, and marriage after read - but even if only a few follow this suggestion
ing this volume. their marriages will be happier. The author
The sociological basis used in organizing the hope no couple having tudied this text will
text is modern role theory. This theory i very face each other after the honeymoon year is
compatible with the Bible, for Jesu aid, "A ye over and ay, "Why did we ever marry each
would that men should do to you, do ye al o to other?"
them likewi e" (Luke 6:31 ). Certainly young Another cultural influence of which Chri t-
people mu t be awar of their own role if they ian young people are often unaware is the pre -
are going to interact with other . Many of th ure for ocial tatu conformity- the "keep up
difficultie of court hip and marriage adju t - with the Jone e " yndrome of American life.
m en t ari e b cau the rol of male and Thi " tatu eeking," a Vance Packard term
female ar no longer cl arly d fin d in Am r- it, i intertwined with the materiali m that is
ican cultur . Al o, v ry littl ducation i giv n eriou ly aff cting hri tian homes and
the youth of our ociety to help them ucce - hurch today. Ina much a conflict over
fully play the rol of lov r, pou , or par nt. financial problem i a major cau e of unhap-
omeon ha tat d, "Th only our in mar- pin in many home , two chapter of thi text
riage and family living mo t young p opl v r are d vot d to mon y management. If young
get i th on they rec ive in th ir par ntal p ople l arn th ir rol a hri tian tewards
home." Unfortunat ly, many hri tian young well, many of th financial ituation that
p eople do not rec iv v ry much h lp from cau unhappin can be avoided.
their parent . On th 0th r hand, much of th Th author r alize that th fir t attempt to
a -called sex ducation in public chool pr - writ a full -length textbook ha its shortcom-
s nts a negative vi w of family rol and val- ing , and he welcome critici m and ugge -
ue . Con equently, much of th learning in tion that will h lp to make any future edition
marriag and family living i through trial and more u ful to it reader .
error in an "on the job" etting, a factor which

16
 Acknowledgments

We are indebted to many people for their assistance in writing this book.
My thanks to Dr. Clifford Johnson, now retired from his position as
academic dean at Cedarville College, whose encouragement gave the
initial impetus to write the first edition. Dr. James Jeremiah, president of
Cedarville College at that time, arranged for a leave of absence during the
winter quarter of 1971 to provide time to begin the actual writing.
Cornelius Zylstra, editor of B.aker Book House, gave much needed
encouragement and answered numerous questions in planning and pub-
lishing the original volume. Jim Weaver, presently editor for academic
books, has been most helpful in facilitating the publication of this revised
and enlarged edition. Without his support, the volume would never have
materialized.
We are grateful to the librarians of the following colleges who permit-
ted us to research and write in their libraries: Calvin College (Grand
Rapids), Cedarville College (Cedarville, Ohio), Florida Southern College
(Lakeland), Grand Rapids Baptist College, Southeastern Bible College
(Lakeland, Florida), South Florida Community College (Avon Park), and
Warner Southern College (Lake Wales, Florida).
A special word of thanks is due Mr. and Mrs. Ole Tilma, who so gra-
ciously gave us the use of their "missionary apartment" in May, 1992 in
order to be close to the Grand Rapids libraries. We are also grateful to Dr.
Irene Alyn, who in the summer of 1992 provided the use of her home near
Cedarville College library. These dear friends saved thousands of miles of
commuting that would have been necessary had we remained in Florida
for that period.
A long list could be made of dear friend in va,riou churches who prayed
for us. Their part in the successful completion of the book has been
recorded by the Lord of heaven and will be rewarded at the judgment at
of hrist.
I am p cially thankful that my son, Philip, has agr d to b ome th
o-author. H has x 11 nt educational qualifi ation , and ha had mis-
sionary s rvi e in Afri a and A ia. Thes xp ri n have prepar d him

17
 cknowledgmen ts

to write about family living in a global econ- grew weary of typing and proofreading seem-
omy. ingly endless revisions. Her critical judgment
We are greatly indebted to Linda Triemstra and suggestions for changes resulted in a more
of Gold Leaf Editorial Services, who gave us readable volume. Her love and commitment
invaluable assistance and encouragement in have enabled me to experience a happy and
preparing the manuscript for the final print- successful Christian marriage. Our prayer is
ing. that thousands of students who study this book
Last but not least, I am grateful for Helen will also have this joyous experience.
Marie, my loving wife and typist, who became
adept at reading my handwriting. She never Cleveland McDonald

18