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Neurodivergent Friendly DBT Workbook - Yevhenii Lozovyi

The document is a workbook designed for individuals and groups to learn Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills, particularly aimed at neurodivergent individuals. It outlines the principles of DBT, its applications, and provides a structured 7-day routine to practice essential skills such as mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The workbook emphasizes the importance of skill training for emotional balance and offers practical exercises to enhance daily living and coping strategies.

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Edu Kumabe
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0% found this document useful (0 votes)
296 views255 pages

Neurodivergent Friendly DBT Workbook - Yevhenii Lozovyi

The document is a workbook designed for individuals and groups to learn Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills, particularly aimed at neurodivergent individuals. It outlines the principles of DBT, its applications, and provides a structured 7-day routine to practice essential skills such as mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The workbook emphasizes the importance of skill training for emotional balance and offers practical exercises to enhance daily living and coping strategies.

Uploaded by

Edu Kumabe
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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THE NEURODIVERGENT FRIENDLY DBT

WORKBOOK FOR SELF-HELP INDIVIDUAL


AND GROUP SETTINGS

Expanded Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Training


Manual
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Copyright 2022 - Yevhenii Lozovyi - All rights reserved.
The content contained within this book may not be reproduced,
duplicated, or transmitted without direct written permission from the author
or the publisher.
Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held
against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary
loss due to the information contained within this book, either directly or
indirectly.
Legal Notice:
This book is copyright protected. It is only for personal use. You cannot
amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content
within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher.
Disclaimer Notice:
Please note the information contained within this document is for
educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed
to present accurate, up-to-date, reliable, and complete information. No
warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that
the author is not engaged in the rendering of legal, financial, medical, or
professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from
various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting
any techniques outlined in this book.
By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances
is the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, that are incurred
as a result of the use of the information contained within this document,
including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.

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A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
I hope this book will benefit you in your journey to increase your
happiness and quality of life!

If you have not claimed your Bonus materials, do not hesitate and get
supporting materials. They will help you in your journey!

I do not spam! And only strive to provide values. For example, I only
email monthly with a free kindle book offer when amazon allows me to
schedule a promotion. There are many books in work now, and if you find
the subject interesting for you, you will have a chance to receive the kindle
version free. My main interests are mental and physical health, biohacking,
and everything else that can increase happiness and quality of life.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! I am always looking for ways to
improve the quality and accessibility of the materials. Feel free to reach out
to [email protected].

If you find this book was helpful to you and could benefit others, please
leave a review on amazon. It would mean a word to me if you do so.

Best wishes,

Yevhenii

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Table of Contents
Introduction
About the use of DBT
How to Use this Book
The 7-Day Routine
PART I: Understanding the Concepts
Chapter 1: Neurodiversity
Definition
Types
Chapter 2: DBT
Definition
The Four Core DBT Principles
THE THEORY OF DIALECTICS
THE BIOSOCIAL THEORY
BASIC APPLICATIONS OF DBT
THE FIVE FUNCTIONS of DBT
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
Chapter 3: The Basic DBT Skills
Mindfulness
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Emotion Regulation
Distress Tolerance
Part II: Applying the 7-Day Routine to Day-to-Day issues
Social Media
Day 1: Mindfulness
Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Day 3: Emotion Regulation
Day 4: Distress Tolerance
Day 5: Consolidation
Day 7: Rest Day
Building a Satisfying Life
Day 1: Mindfulness
Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Day 3: Emotion Regulation
Day 4: Distress Tolerance
Day 5: Consolidation
Day 6: Weekly Evaluation
Day 7: Rest Day
Addictions
Day 1: Mindfulness
Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Day 3: Emotion Regulation
Day 4: Distress Tolerance
Day 5: Consolidation
Day 6: Weekly Evaluation
Day 7: Rest Day
Problem Solving
Day 1: Mindfulness
Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Day 3: Emotion Regulation
Day 4: Distress Tolerance
Day 5: Consolidation
Day 6: Weekly Evaluation
Day 7: Rest Day
Cognitive Modification
Some Final Words
References

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Introduction
About the use of DBT
This book's cover may have caught your attention, or you may be
interested in self-improvement or the field of psychology. Perhaps you feel
that certain aspects of your life are not quite as you would like. Perhaps you
are curious about DBT and how it can help you.
Marsha Linehan developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy in 1993,
which is incredibly helpful in assisting people in managing overwhelming
emotions. According to research, dialectical behavior therapy improves an
individual's capacity to deal with stress without losing control or acting
destructively. Numerous individuals suffer from intense emotions. Much of
what they experience is amplified to an extreme degree. When they
experience anger, sadness, or fear manifests as a large, strong wave that can
knock them off their feet.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is designed for persons with major
difficulties with emotions and behaviors, but all individuals can benefit
from the techniques taught in DBT. We all have emotions, relationships,
problems to solve, and stressors to deal with, and we can all benefit from
learning to live in the present. These are life skills for everyone, not just
"problem individuals."
One of the reasons more individuals are beginning to adopt DBT is that
it is practical and does not place therapy patients aside from the general
population. DBT was created at the University of Washington, Seattle, to
treat individuals with chronic suicidal thoughts, actions, and other
disruptive behaviors. The first population investigated with DBT (BPD)
was women with a borderline personality disorder.
Today, we know that DBT can be utilized across clinical settings for
several issues (Dimeff & Koerner, 2007; Marra, 2005; Moonshine, 2008a,
2008b; Pederson, 2015). The skills and approach can also be applied
proactively in health and development models. This strategy is both highly
original and highly derivative (dialectically speaking). The inventor of DBT
copied and repackaged ideas and interventions already supported by
extensive research and clinical experience. In Cognitive-Behavioral
Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, the first book on DBT, the
inventor wrote: The tactics used in this and subsequent chapters
undoubtedly share many similarities with components of other
psychotherapies currently in use (Linehan, 1993a, p. 200).
Few treatment ideas are unique and original, yet committing to and
highlighting beneficial ideas can be extremely useful. DBT is committed to
and highlights the premise we must learn skills to replace ineffective
behaviors and address problems that impede our ability to function.
Therefore, the teaching of skills is crucial to DBT. The subject of this text is
that you can learn the skills in individual or group settings (or both).
DBT promotes an accepting, nonjudgmental, and validating attitude to
clients in addition to skill training; this means that DBT therapists strive to
comprehend their clients' worlds and recognize how their client's feelings,
ideas, and behaviors make sense in the context of their particular
circumstances.
This strategy for establishing validity is dialectically balanced with
change techniques. Frequently, therapists utilize validation to indicate that
they comprehend the client's emotions and viewpoints, which then
encourages the client to experiment with new abilities and behaviors. The
DBT transformation tactics therapists employ adhere to classic behaviorism
but incorporate cognitive, psychodynamic, strategic, and gestalt
perspectives, among others. DBT resembles an eclectic method, but it is a
stand-alone therapy with its guiding philosophy, the biosocial theory.
According to this guiding principle, people suffer from emotion
dysregulation, which has a reciprocal link with invalidating situations.
In other words, many people have sensitive and deep emotions, and
significant others often struggle to comprehend and support them. DBT
uses the concepts of mindfulness and the philosophical underpinnings of
dialectics, as discussed in the Dialectics module, to complement this vast
array of transformation tactics.
If you have experienced overwhelming feelings, you understand what
we are talking about. Sometimes, your emotions strike you with the force of
a tsunami. Moreover, when this occurs, you become fearful of feeling
things because you do not want to get swept away by your emotions. The
problem is that the more you attempt to control or repress your emotions,
the more overwhelming they can become.
Numerous studies imply that the probability of experiencing extreme,
overwhelming emotions may be hardwired from birth. Nevertheless, it can
also be significantly altered by childhood trauma or neglect. At crucial
periods in our development, trauma can alter our brains' structure, making
us more susceptible to severe negative feelings. However, the fact that a
tendency toward powerful emotions is frequently founded in genetics or
trauma does not imply that we cannot resolve the issue. Thousands of
people have utilized the strategies you learn in this book to develop greater
emotional control. They have transformed their lives, as can you.
So what are these abilities, and how will you benefit from them?
Dialectical behavior therapy offers four crucial skills that can diminish the
magnitude of emotional waves and help you maintain equilibrium when
these feelings overwhelm you.

1. Developing stress tolerance can improve your ability to deal


with unfortunate occurrences by enhancing your resilience and
providing you with new coping strategies.
2. Mindfulness will help you fully experience the present
moment while focusing less on painful past events and
frightening future possibilities. Mindfulness can also provide you
with the means to resist negative, habitual judgments of yourself
and others.
3. Emotion management skills enable you to precisely identify
your emotions and watch them without being overwhelmed. The
objective is to regulate your emotions without engaging in
detrimental behavior.
4. Interpersonal effectiveness provides new tools for expressing
your opinions and wants, establishing limits, and negotiating
solutions to difficulties while maintaining connections and
respecting others.

How to Use this Book


The objective of this book is to provide you with the skills and
strategies necessary to achieve emotional balance and independence so that
you can live life according to your terms rather than being governed by
your emotions. The skills in this book are not a substitute for
comprehensive DBT, but they are a crucial component of DBT and have the
potential to be quite beneficial on their own.
The first few chapters of this workbook provide basic information on
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), its goals and organization, and some
guidelines for utilizing the book effectively. The subsequent chapters give
the skills and activities for daily practice, with written exercises to be
completed either in the workbook or in your true DBT diary.
Together, these courses will enhance your ability to be present at the
moment; navigate a crisis without making it worse; fully feel, regulate, and
respond to your emotions rather than reacting to them; and be more
effective at achieving what you want or need in relationships. Feel free to
return to specific abilities and exercises as necessary.
In terms of its substance, this book elaborates on key topics such as
meditation and exercise in each module and offers advice on making friends
in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module. Additionally, the previously
separate subject on boundaries is now incorporated into Interpersonal
Effectiveness. In addition, the Dialectics and Mindfulness modules received
additional attention, with explanations that enhanced their comprehension
and new tasks and practiced for both modules.
In addition, new DBT skills and skill modules were added, including
modules that addressed social media use and addictions, which were much-
needed. Although the additional skills and modules, as well as the
supplementary skills and modules from previous books, should be
considered "add-ons" to the basic four DBT modules, there are clients who
will benefit from learning them.
This text is organized to facilitate learning. Each core competency is
presented in two parts: understanding DBT and applying DBT to various
real-world scenarios. The chapters of the first section introduce essential
concepts, identify the new skill components, and guide you through the
basic steps of acquiring the talent. The second section will introduce a
seven-day regimen incorporating the fundamental DBT abilities. In
addition, there will be examples to clarify each stage and quizzes, exercises,
and worksheets to help you practice the material.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook has been created to
facilitate learning. The most challenging aspect will be committing to
completing the tasks and practicing your new skills. Reading will not alter
anything. The words on these pages will not affect your life until you put
the new tactics and strategies you will learn here into practice. Therefore, it
is a good moment to consider why you read this book and what you wish to
alter. Here, on this page, list three ways you now respond to your emotions
that you would like to alter.
There are two audiences for whom The Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Skills Workbook is meant. People in dialectical behavior therapy (either
group or individual) who need a workbook to acquire the four key skills are
the first audience. We also wrote this book, so anyone struggling with
strong emotions could utilize it independently. You have access to all the
resources necessary to make big adjustments in your emotional control.
However, if you are reading this workbook independently and are having
difficulty adopting the new skills, we strongly advise you to seek the
services of a certified dialectical behavior therapist.
The last part of Part II contains a different form of skill in DBT, which
is Cognitive Modification. The skills you learn in Cognitive Modification
blend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the concept of Dialectics in DBT.

The 7-Day Routine


As stated, forming commitment is quite challenging, especially
regarding psychosocial issues. However, there is no reason to give up; there
is a workaround to deal with that. As they say, developing a habit requires
consistency, which you can achieve by developing a routine. This book uses
a 7-Day DBT Skills routine to incorporate the Basic Skills and address
different Life Situations every day of the week.
The basic principle of the Routine is simple: Practice one DBT skill
daily, and keep doing it until the end of the week. Doing one skill at a time
helps reduce overwhelming tasks but keeps you involved with the Routine.
It also keeps your eyes on the goal. There are five basic skills in DBT, and
each day will be dedicated to one skill. The 5th day will be dedicated to
additional activities that will incorporate the skills into different activities.
We will use the 6th day for evaluation of the week and a self-assessment to
gauge how far you have gone. Finally, the 7th day will be for your rest – a
free time to explore and just have a break from what worries you.
Part II is also divided into sections. Each section represents an issue or
real-life day-to-day situation that DBT can address. So you can feel free to
follow a routine that addresses a certain situation at a time. You might also
notice that there are skill activities that repeat between different sections.
The beauty of DBT is that the skill activities are adaptable and can be used
to address different situations. So you can choose whichever skill activity
works for you. And most of all, you can choose to start changing your life
right at this moment. So here is to a new start and a fulfilling life!
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PART I: Understanding the Concepts
Chapter 1: Neurodiversity
Definition
Neurodiversity refers to neurological variances in the human brain.
From this vantage point, the spectrum of neurological differences is
considered a range of natural variability in the human brain, not a deficit in
people. The idea of neurodiversity has its roots in neuroscience, with
neuroimaging (brain imaging) research demonstrating disparities between
the neural circuits of neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals.
Simply put, this indicates that the brains of individuals are wired
differently and that these variances can directly affect an individual's
thinking and learning. These variations are frequently recognized as
neurological disorders. Neurodiversity is an umbrella word that
encompasses illnesses that persist throughout life and those that can emerge
throughout time.
This category includes acquired disease or brain injury, Autism
Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
(ADHD), dyscalculia, dyslexia, dyspraxia, intellectual disability, mental
health, and Tourette syndrome. Neurodiversity has many distinct meanings
to various individuals. For Singer (1999) and Blume (1998), it was more
closely related to an "ecological society" in which minority minds are
appreciated in light of their niche and assisted in finding it.
In contrast, Walker's (2014) clear definition differentiates between the
fact of neurological variation (a manifestation of genetic diversity) and the
neurodiversity paradigm, which is primarily concerned with
depathologizing and politicizing neurodiversity.
Others have used the term in a variety of ways. As part of the social
model, this relates to the concept of 'impairment,' which is measured
concerning a species norm in terms of functional capacity. Therefore, The
issue is that the concept of neurodiversity appears to undermine the
dependence on a species standard for measuring (and valuing) our
functional abilities in favor of the view that diversity itself is normal.
With this uncertainty over the definition of neurodiversity in mind, we
shall conclude with two points. First, neurodiversity is what philosophers
refer to as a 'moving target,' meaning that the concept will continue to
change and move due to the complex interactions between those who are
categorized by it (including neurotypicals and neurodivergents) and the
various relevant institutions it challenges and responds to (psychiatry,
education, etc.).
Where did the concept of neurodiversity come from?
In the academic literature, Judy Singer, an autistic Australian
sociologist, is associated with creating the term neurodiversity. Singer
disputed that Autism was a handicap in the late 1990s and claimed that
Autism is a difference in how the human brain functions and a
manifestation of neurological variety. As a result, Neurotypical was used to
describe typical neurological patterns, and neurodiversity was used to
describe neurological differences.
Differences in Definition
In certain work on neurodiversity, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is
referred to as Autism Spectrum Condition instead (ASC). Despite their
distinct approaches, both names allude to the same concept. The shift in
vocabulary is intentional because it rejects the medical model of variety,
which defines human variations as diseases that must be treated, in favor of
a more social model of diversity as a natural occurrence. While this is
consistent with the neurodiversity model, it is not universally implemented.
Attention Deficiency Hyperactivity Disorder, for instance, has the terms
deficit and disorder, neither of which correspond to the social model of
difference with which neurodiversity is associated. Rather than representing
the neurodiversity perspective, this terminology reflects the overall impact
of medical theories of diversity.
A model focused on strengths.
Neurodiversity is a strengths-based approach that recognizes that
although some children learn and think differently, these are merely
differences and not impairments. The neurodiversity model moves the
emphasis from the difficulties that a neurodivergent individuals may face to
their strengths. A person with dyslexia, for instance, may have difficulties
understanding words but have excellent visual communication skills.
Creating opportunities for employees to access the work content in a
manner that is suited to their unique skills can be accomplished by
designing tasks and programs that allow the employees to draw on their
identified strengths. Using a strengths-based approach is one way to create
working opportunities that allow employees to experience success and build
confidence in their abilities while ensuring that the things that adults find
difficult do not become barriers to their life. In addition, designing
employment programs that permit employees to access the work content in
various ways is an approach that can assist not only neurodivergent workers
but also all employees.
By emphasizing the positive aspects of neurodiversity, the strengths-
based approach has the potential to raise awareness and comprehension of
neurological differences while simultaneously lowering societal stigma. In
addition, the neurodiversity model's positive framing of difference can also
benefit teachers and schools, considering ways to assist neurodivergent
adults in becoming successful employees.
Positive aspects of neurodiversity in the workplace
Building a neurodiverse workforce is desirable because neurodiverse
individuals possess the talents currently in high demand due to
organizations' widespread adoption of modern technologies. For instance,
artificial intelligence and robotics are increasing the demand for
professionals in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and
mathematics).
Hiren Shukla, leader of EY's Neuro-Diverse Centre of Excellence,
described how programming by their neurodiverse staff decreased processes
that previously required two to three hours to only two minutes. In addition,
this person could identify inefficiencies that neurotypical workers had either
become accustomed to or never observed. "Their thought process and
delivery differ from what we're accustomed to," stated Hiren.
However, a strong neurodiversity program benefits more than just
employees on the spectrum. In the case of EY, not only have they been able
to locate exceptional people, but they have also developed superior
managers who focus on specific requirements.
Additionally, it has facilitated company-wide collaboration. Managers
avoid abstract language, use shorter phrases, and provide more precise
directions, which has helped everyone.
How to establish a workforce that is neurodiverse
1. Obtain support from all levels
Engage with leadership so they may converse with their staff about
what it means to have a neurodiverse workforce. These discussions must be
open and transparent. It must be a safe environment for neurotypical
employees to ask questions and for neurodiverse personnel to disclose.
2. Participate in the local community
Community organizations can aid employers in locating and recruiting
neurodiverse talent. These groups may be government agencies, non-profit
organizations, vocational rehabilitation centers, educational institutions, or
offices for the disabled.
In addition to aiding recruitment, these groups can give vital training
guidance and resources. Hiren stated that connecting with the community
was mutually beneficial. These organizations struggled to find meaningful
employment for autistic individuals, and EY required aid in locating them.
3. Modify your hiring procedures
Employers must revise their conception of what constitutes a "good
candidate." Many superficial rules, such as a firm handshake or eye contact,
are challenging for neurodiverse individuals to execute. Managers must also
ask the appropriate questions to elicit the individual's talents and
competencies. For instance, EY removed the element of surprise from their
interview process; if the candidate is not looking for a position that
demands quick thinking, then there is no need to consider this in the
interview.
In addition, it is essential to note that resumes do not give the whole
story. Because so many neurodiverse people have failed to find employment
suited to their ability, they are frequently self-taught or possess transferable
skills.
4. Be patient
Building a candidate pool with neurodiversity requires time. Therefore,
EY has a two-week procedure that emphasizes hiring team members rather
than individuals. The first week is conducted online via Skype video calls,
virtual activities, and mini-project-based exams. The second week is then
known as "Superweek" and is held on-site: This week involves simulations
of team-based work and interpersonal skill development.
After two weeks, EY identifies the top performers and recruits them in
cohorts. All subsequent onboarding and training are conducted by managers
who have received professional autism training.
5. Coordinate expert-led, interactive training
Soft skill training is a crucial component of establishing a neurodiverse
workforce and should be conducted by an expert with the necessary
experience. This resource can be found in the local community. Note that
this training is not only for neurodiverse personnel but for all staff and
notably supervisors, who must be educated on what it's like to be on the
spectrum and how to work together most effectively.
Michael stated that interpersonal challenges do not hinder a high-
performing team. However, being willing and able to accommodate Autism
may cause individuals to be sensitive to temperature, sound, and
illumination. As a result, you may need to provide noise-canceling
headphones, private rooms, or flexible work schedules so staff can be as
productive as possible.
"A person who has difficulty remaining still for more than 45 minutes
should take a walk and return. "As long as you're productive upon your
return, we're fine with it," Hiren remarked.
7. Expand the meaning
Individuals on the autism spectrum have frequently had bad life
experiences. Therefore, while people may feel safe at work, they may not
feel as safe outside of the workplace. Therefore, a robust neurodiversity
program should promote its message externally and internally so that
neurodiversity becomes an integral element of employment in general.
Through the Autism at Work Roundtable, EY and other organizations
studying neurodiversity are open-sourcing their work. Hiren stated, "This
provides us with significant reputational value." "It is beneficial for both
our staff and the market. Our customers like to do business with ethical
organizations. "Candidates prefer to work with firms that do good,"
Developing and sustaining a diverse workforce begins with data.
Having a regular and continuous method of collecting employee
feedback offers the facts and insights necessary to develop a plan for
effecting good change. Utilizing our employee survey, you may collect and
evaluate feedback from your staff.

Types
Neurodiversity encompasses three groups of neurological conditions:
applied neurodiversity, clinical neurodiversity, and acquired neurodiversity.
It is vital to keep in mind, however, that throughout a person's lifetime, they
may suffer several diseases that cause an overlap between these three
groups.
Applied neurodiversity
This group comprises problems not regarded as health conditions
present at birth. Applied neurodiversity refers to difficulty applying skills
like gross motor control, numerical concepts, and reading. Conditions
classifiable as applied neurodiversity along
CONDITION CHARACTERISTICS
Dyscalculia can cause issues with number comprehension, application
of number ideas, and arithmetic.
Dyslexia impairs the brain's language processing and can result in
reading, writing, and speech organization difficulties.
Dyspraxia is a developmental disorder that can impact the processes
involved in a person's movement planning and execution.
Dyspraxia can also impact a person's intellectual, physical, social,
emotional, and sensory development.
Clinical neurodiversity
This group includes neurological differences that are regarded to be
health issues that are present at birth. Communication, social skills,
behavior, and impulse control are affected by neurodiversity in clinical
settings.

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CONDITION CHARACTERISTICS
ADHD is a developmental disorder with three subtypes: hyperactive
ADHD, impulsive ADHD, and inattentive ADHD. Individuals may
experience primarily one or a combination of sorts of impacts. For example,
attention span, impulse control, emotional regulation, and the capacity to sit
still can be affected by ADHD.
Autism is a developmental disorder that can impact a person's
communication, social interaction, impulse control, level of interest, and
sensory modulation. Autism is a spectrum disorder. Thus the intensity and
specific effects can vary considerably from person to person.
Intellectual impairment is a developmental disorder that can influence
the maturation of a person's cognitive function and adaptive behavior
abilities. These two factors can impact thinking, learning, problem-solving,
and reasoning.
Tourette Syndrome is a disorder that affects a person's nervous system.
Involuntary and repetitive movements and vocalizations characterize
Tourette Syndrome.
Acquired Neurodiversity
Included in acquired neurodiversity are neurological variances that
might arise due to a health condition or injury. Acquired neurodiversity
includes problems that disappear as an illness or injury heals and conditions
that increase as a person's health declines.
CONDITION CHARACTERISTICS
Traumatic brain damage
Acquired brain injury is brain damage produced by an accident or other
incident. This disorder can impair a person's memory, personal
organization, communication abilities, and concentration.
Illnesses
In addition to causing chronic, degenerative, or transient neurological
abnormalities, diseases and treating particular diseases can cause neurologic
disorders. For instance, a stroke, Parkinson's disease, Chronic Fatigue
Syndrome, and some cancer therapies can influence a person's nervous
system and result in a neurological disorder associated with the sickness.
Mental Health
Neurodiversity includes illnesses that can impair cognition, such as
anxiety, sadness, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. These diseases can be
caused by various factors, including trauma, drug side effects, exposure to
specific substances, or a big life event. Mental health is considered acquired
neurodiversity since these illnesses might be episodic and have short-term
cognitive impacts.
It is essential to remember that the characteristics of illnesses such as
those stated above will have various effects and degrees of severity on
individuals diagnosed with these conditions. It is also crucial to realize that
even if a person exhibits symptoms of a particular ailment, they may not
have that condition. Through the neurodiversity paradigm, we may begin to
comprehend how and why a person may exhibit and experience symptoms
that span many illnesses, given that these conditions are interconnected and
all result from brain variances.

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Chapter 2: DBT
Definition
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a modification of Aaron Beck's
cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), whose fundamental assumption is that
to change our behaviors, we must identify and alter the ideas, feelings, and
beliefs that lead to the behaviors. DBT acknowledges the validity and
significance of behavior modification and that many behavior patterns are
exceedingly difficult to modify and require specialized care.
In the 1980s, when Dr. Marsha Linehan was first creating DBT at the
University of Washington, she observed that it was more difficult for people
who had learned to manage a lifetime of intense emotions to change their
coping strategies. She observed that when the therapy emphasized the need
for change, patients frequently felt blamed for their difficulties. On the
other hand, if too much emphasis were placed on acceptance and
understanding, people would feel that no one understood how wretched and
desperate they were for things to improve. Linehan recognized the necessity
for a balance between acceptance and transformation.
DBT participants are propelled along this path by the tension between
acceptance and change to establish a life that each individual finds worth
living. This book will focus on skill development, one of the tools utilized
along the route, along with behavior tracking and analysis, validation,
cognitive modification, emotion exposure, problem-solving, contingency
management, and problem-solving. These phrases are academic ways of
stating that when we attempt to change, we will use everything in our
arsenal to alter our ideas, feelings, and coping mechanisms toward
emotional liberation.
DBT was created to address borderline personality disorder, chronic
suicide ideation, and self-harm. Since then, it has been beneficial for
various difficulties, including depression, mood disorders, attention-
deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD), eating disorders, and substance use disorders.
More than 30 years of research and trials have demonstrated that DBT is
useful for various disorders, with difficulties in emotion regulation being a
hallmark. DBT has also been studied in many racial, ethnic, and cultural
communities, and evidence supports its efficacy regardless of age, gender,
or sexual orientation. The abilities are advantageous for all humans.

The Four Core DBT Principles


As DBT was being developed, it became clear that many individuals
share some behavioral patterns or skill deficits and that individuals must
acquire new abilities in all relevant domains to change.
Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal
effectiveness are the four fundamental principles or skill modules that
comprise DBT. Each skills module is intended to target the following
shortfall categories:
PROBLEMS TO DECREASE MODULE
Problems with focus, awareness, and
Mindfulness
confusion; staying present
Impulsivity, escaping or avoiding emotions
Distress tolerance
through problem behaviors
Big emotions, mood changes, and negative
Emotion regulation
emotional states
Difficulty keeping relationships, fulfilling Interpersonal
wants/needs, and maintaining self-respect effectiveness

It is crucial for both therapists and patients to comprehend the following


DBT assumptions when engaging in skills training:

1. People are making the best effort possible.


2. People desire improvement.
3. Individuals must acquire new behaviors in all appropriate
circumstances.
4. Individuals cannot fail in DBT.
5. People may not have caused all their difficulties, but they are
responsible for solving them.
6. People must perform better, exert greater effort, and be more
motivated to change.
7. Suicidal individuals find their life miserable as they are
currently living.
STOP, TIP, ABC PLEASE, DEAR MAN, and others can confuse
individuals who are just beginning to acquire these skills. Some people may
even perceive that they are being talked down to when acronyms are used.
Please note that acronyms are not the skills themselves but merely teaching
tools. As she established DBT, Linehan determined what therapists were
teaching clients to deal with specific issues, gathered as many strategies as
possible, and packaged them into teachable formats.
I have provided that information where we know the exact origins of
skills, such as the Zen or Buddhist roots of mindfulness. The remainder is a
collection of tried-and-true, acquired talents we know to be effective.
Mindfulness
Buddhism has traditionally been associated with the ancient practice of
mindfulness. Similar practices can be observed in the majority of religious
traditions. In DBT, scientific mindfulness is the primary focus.
Mindfulness can be thought of as the thread that connects the other
DBT abilities. Simply said, mindfulness is the practice of being aware of
one's thoughts, selecting what to focus on in any given instant, and
remaining present in that moment. Many people who have struggled with
overpowering emotions find this idea revolutionary: we may learn to
choose what our brain focuses on during challenging times.
Distress Tolerance
What is the distinction between stress and anxiety? Stress is often
difficult but controllable. On the other side, distress is overwhelming.
Typically, the emotional and rational brain regions function as a
fulcrum. Occasionally, one is more dominant than the other, but they
balance each other. Occasionally, though, one component or the other calls
the shots. When the emotional brain is overloaded, the logical portion shuts
down, resulting in an emotional crisis. The two sorts of distress-tolerance
skills—crisis survival and acceptance of reality—can assist us in surviving
a crisis without making it worse.
Emotional Management
The difficulty associated with intense emotions is not the feelings
themselves but rather the inability to control or balance them. It can feel as
if they are, so to speak, driving the vehicle. Part of the foundation for DBT
is Linehan's biosocial theory, which claims that persons who suffer
excessive emotional patterns have a biological predisposition toward them.
This behavior manifests as heightened sensitivity (large, intense
emotions), heightened reactivity (large response), and a sluggish return to
baseline. These characteristics are not necessarily harmful but can become
exceedingly problematic if the individual does not acquire the skills
necessary to control them.
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Relationships are one aspect of life that excessive emotions can
significantly impact. When a person fails to manage their emotions, many
obstacles can arise, and it is not uncommon for them to have a deep,
historically-based fear that people will tire of them and leave.
The interpersonal effectiveness module focuses on choosing our
priorities in interactions with others: our goals, our relationships, and our
self-respect. For example, knowing the priority before a contact might assist
us in deciding how to effectively ask for what we need or decline another
person's request.

THE THEORY OF DIALECTICS


Dialectics is fundamental to the way we think in dialectical behavior
therapy. A dialectic is a philosophical phrase that refers to the tension
between seemingly opposed ideas. Most circumstances in life are neither
either nor, but rather both and. The basic debate that drives the work in
dialectical behavior therapy is acceptance and change: You are doing the
best you can – Period. And you must use more effort to fix all your
difficulties within your capabilities.
You being in a DBT session is like dancing, weaving together validation
(acknowledgment and acceptance that whatever you're experiencing makes
sense if you understand how you got there) and pushing for change (the
ways you've been coping may not be working so well, or at least not enough
to move you forward toward the life you desire). Three axioms comprise
dialectical thinking: discovering truth in opposites, recognizing that reality
is always changing, and recognizing the interdependence of all things.
Finding Truth in Contradictions
Most things consists of opposites. Things or individuals can become
"stuck" when a synthesis between these opposites cannot be achieved.
Charlie Swenson, a DBT expert, compares it to the tenacity of a logjam.
People who live amid extremes and tend toward polarized or inflexible
thinking may find it difficult to think dialectically, balance opposites, or
escape a stalemate.
Typical examples of dialectical reasoning include:
“I'm angry with you, but I still love you.”
“I want to live in the present while making plans for the future.”
“I get where you're coming from, but I disagree.”
“I'm doing my best, but I need to work and do better. This frustrating
event feels enormous but hasn't ruined my entire day.”
Without the ability to accept the truth of both sides, a person may feel
unable to solve the situation or go forward. However, if we can tolerate this
tension, we can preserve and enhance the core of validity in both
perspectives, resulting in a new perspective.
Reality is ever-evolving
Nothing remains constant. Every aspect of every imaginable setting is
under change. Even objects that appear utterly immobile and unchanging
are evolving, however slowly. People and seemingly fixed structures
change, as do mountains and oceans. Alternately, we are undergoing
continual transformation. Sometimes it may appear as if the habits and
emotions addressed in therapy will never change. Nevertheless, they will
eventually. It is inherent to everything.
We might continue to inquire, "What am I missing?" Occasionally, we
discover what we were lacking, resulting in change. Occasionally, while we
wait to figure things out, an aspect of the circumstance will change
independently of our efforts, creating the space necessary for a discernible
shift. Even in seemingly difficult situations, we maintain hope and
persevere, knowing that change is inherent to all things.
The Interdependence of Everything
Everyone is related. Who we are, what we think, feel, and experience,
as well as our decisions and lives, are all affected by the people and
circumstances in our environment. There is no living individual whose
sense of self has not been affected by the people they've met. We refer to
this mode of thinking as a systems perspective. Each component of a
system contributes to the total. You must comprehend the whole to
comprehend the parts. If one component shifts, the entire system is affected,
and vice versa. This effect is shown in multiple ways throughout DBT.
Changing another aspect of the system can provide the desired result if
you cannot directly alter an issue or behavior. Changing dynamics, such as
in a family, allow for an individual's development. It is not always easy to
recognize that we are both products of and contributors to our environment,
but it is a fact of life.

THE BIOSOCIAL THEORY


The biosocial theory is Linehan's explanation for how borderline
personality disorder (BPD) develops. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
is a treatment aimed at addressing the dysfunctional patterns that form in
response to such events. Although many individuals who benefit from DBT
do not satisfy the criteria for BPD, many of us can relate to feeling
overwhelmed emotionally and misunderstood or invalidated. Thus, DBT
abilities are applicable much beyond diagnosis.
The biosocial theory posits that some people have more intense
emotions than others and that this is a result of their biology; they are either
born with this trait or other physical experiences, such as disease or
addiction, have altered their neural wiring to make them more sensitive and
reactive. Therefore, big emotions by themselves are not usually a problem.
However, when a person with intense emotions is placed in an invalidating
environment, in which they are treated as though their reactions are
inaccurate, improper, or incorrect, they are made to feel like the issue
simply for being themselves. Abuse, neglect, addiction, racism, classism,
homophobia, and bullying are among the dynamics that can create
invalidating situations. However, it may also be what we refer to as a bad
fit.
Despite the best efforts of the family to care for and nurture the child,
the child frequently views the world as terrible. Recent DBT research
suggests that our perceptions of the essential characteristics of BPD may be
altering, as studies reveal that interpersonal sensitivity may be even more
central than biological sensitivity to intense emotions. As we continue to
gain knowledge, DBT continues to evolve and adapt.
The Five Areas of Dysregulation
One of the most distinctive parts of Linehan's work is how she
restructured our knowledge of BPD. She helped us move from viewing it as
broken personality wiring to recognizing behavior patterns that make sense
when comprehending how and why they evolved. She claimed that the
defining trait was a pervasive pattern of emotion dysregulation, from which
the other four categories of dysregulation stemmed. In the following
section, we will define the five dysregulation categories. These symptoms
can be experienced by anybody, not only individuals with BPD.
Linehan indicated that people with BPD exhibit dysregulation in many
aspects of life. In other words, the interplay between interpersonal conflict
and overpowering emotions is transactional. This conflict leads to
developing coping mechanisms that help us avoid pain in the short term but
may not be useful in the long term.
Each skill module in DBT is aimed to promote skill development in the
following deficiency areas:
Emotional Dysregulation
When emotions are triggered, pervasive patterns of emotion
dysregulation manifest as heightened sensitivity and pronounced responses.
People's emotions may be everywhere, swinging rapidly from all to nothing
or hot to cold. In general, emotions are large and intense, and it's not
uncommon for rage to be a major component. This event relates to people's
difficulties viewing emotions as quick or relationship responses as transient.
The emotion regulation module is intended to aid in developing abilities
to recognize and manage emotions and experience them without becoming
overwhelmed or governed by them.
Interpersonal Dysregulation
As you might expect, a person's large, powerful, chaotic emotions will
manifest in interpersonal connections. As a result, relationships and
connection patterns can both be chaotic. Frequently, others struggle to
understand how to manage the emotional roller coaster. In actuality, these
individuals frequently go, whether physically or emotionally. Consequently,
a fully normal fear of abandonment frequently arises and continues to
impact relationships negatively.
The interpersonal effectiveness module focuses on developing the skills
necessary to ask for what we need or respectfully decline requests without
jeopardizing our relationships or self-respect.
Self-Dysregulation
This domain relates to having a dysregulated or unstable sense of self.
When the aim of self-understanding regarding how others respond is a
moving target, it can be challenging to identify the aspects of oneself that
do not change even though relationships evolve. This behavior can manifest
in adults as a persistent feeling of emptiness. Even when there is much to
do, adolescent apathy frequently manifests as a feeling of constant
boredom, lack of interest, or indifference.
Fundamental mindfulness abilities are essential for a person to learn to
observe reality and themselves as they are, regardless of the waves of
opinion, past and future concerns, judgments, and shifting relationships.
Behavioral Dysregulation
People who suffer regular emotional turbulence may likely engage in
impulsive behavior to escape or avoid the emotions. As a result, self-harm,
substance misuse, unsafe sexual activity, stealing, and dangerous driving
are prevalent.
These impulsive acts can be avoided if we can tolerate distress. We gain
confidence in our ability to endure discomfort instead of escaping or
avoiding it, and we understand the efficacy of acceptance in reducing our
suffering.
Cognitive Dysregulation
Cognitive dysregulation refers to cognitive processes that are
dissociative and paranoid. Thinking that it is rigid, binary, and inflexible is
another illustration of this. Dissociation is a mental detachment process that
occurs when life becomes "too much." It is a protective mechanism
designed to prevent mental and physiological overburden. Of course, we'd
like to avoid it in the long run, but it's entirely understandable when life
becomes stressful.
In addition to aiding in managing the intensity of cognitive distress,
stress tolerance abilities are also helpful.

BASIC APPLICATIONS OF DBT

THE FIVE FUNCTIONS of DBT


This book is based on the DBT model created by Linehan. In the
discipline, this is referred to as complete or comprehensive DBT; this
indicates that all four modes previously stated are included in the program.
If one of the modes is absent, the treatment is not deemed comprehensive or
DBT-compliant; this is not to argue that individual parts of DBT, such as the
skills taught in this book, cannot be beneficial.
However, any program that gives complete DBT must have five
essential components. Over the treatment's forty-plus years of development
and use, research and clinical trials have demonstrated that combining these
procedures yields the most effective results. There are numerous variable
parts of DBT – However, they are the basis of the treatment and, as such,
are essential.
Increasing Your Motivation for Change
Individual therapy is the primary arena in which clients improve their
change motivation. This task is accomplished by keeping track of emotions
and behaviors on a diary card and utilizing chain analysis to identify the
elements that keep them engaged in ineffective behaviors.
The exposure/practice of bearing difficult feelings and rewarding
desirable new behaviors are additional methods of developing motivation.
As individuals discover they can both withstand feelings and pick new,
more efficient coping mechanisms, their incentive to persist increases –
Both learning new things and letting go of the familiar is tough.
It is normal for people to realize the need for change yet cling to the
familiarity and comfort of their old coping mechanisms, sometimes even
refusing to experiment with new approaches. Individual therapy plays a
major role in assisting individuals in seeing the need for change by boosting
their self-esteem so they realize it is worthwhile to attempt.
Improving Your Abilities
DBT asserts that individuals must learn new behaviors and abilities in
all relevant contexts of their lives. Learning these new talents will improve
one's ability to respond to life's obstacles; this consists of the DBT module-
taught skills of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and
interpersonal effectiveness.
In teenage and multifamily DBT, there is extra information on finding
dialectical equilibrium in family connections or walking the middle route.
Through roleplays, activities, group discussion, practice, homework,
rehearsal, and phone coaching, abilities are enhanced further.
Generalizing for Life What You Have Learned
It is not anticipated that a skill acquired in treatment will readily apply
in other settings. Therefore, we combine weekly homework, real-world
practice, and phone coaching to ensure our clients can use the concepts
they've learned daily. Some clients even videotape their weekly therapy
sessions for subsequent reference.
When dealing with emotional and interpersonal dysregulation,
generalization of information, or the ability to transfer knowledge to new
settings, appears to be particularly difficult, according to research and
experience. Support via phone coaching in regulating and reducing
dysregulation and using more effective recalling abilities helps people recall
the new information outside treatment.
Boosting Your Therapist's Motivation and Capability
DBT can be difficult to provide because many of the issues clients
attempt to resolve are unpleasant. Consistent dealing with life-threatening
behaviors and emotional crises can lead to therapist burnout without
sufficient assistance. Supervision, continuous training, books and manuals,
and weekly consulting teams assist therapists in maintaining integrity to the
DBT paradigm, allowing them to stay on course and receive the necessary
support.
In addition, there is a global network of DBT therapists who are
extremely giving with their expertise and experience. Therefore,
communicating with other therapists who address similar difficulties and
assist clients in problem-solving is crucial. Many of the explanations and
terms in this book result from DBT therapists' exchanges.
Restructuring Your Environment
When people acquire new skills and learn to live their desired lives,
their environments might provide obstacles to change and development.
Changing the environment to increase the likelihood of positive change
may involve interventions with the individual's partner, family, or
community, as well as case management or cooperation with other
providers. The objective is to improve the possibility that the individual will
receive reinforcement for the new, effective actions rather than the old,
ineffective ones.
From a DBT perspective, the ideal strategy to tackle problems is to
assist the individual advocate for change in their own life. However, there
are situations when direct involvement by the therapist is warranted, such as
in case management or coordination of care with other clinicians.

SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS


Most of us have likely heard that it takes 21 days to create a new habit.
While it is debatable if this is true or a myth, it is evident from various
sources of experience and research that learning something new requires
regular practice. Furthermore, even research indicates that mental rehearsal
of a task (i.e., walking through the stages in your mind) improves our
physical ability, and surgeons and athletes have shown this. For instance, a
tennis player who mentally works their serve plays it more effectively.
Be ready to practice the skills frequently when you begin this
workbook. The more you practice them while not in a difficult situation, the
more likely they will spring to mind when you struggle. There are also
reminders throughout the text to undertake certain exercises with care.
Managing your emotions and habits can be difficult and occasionally
overwhelming. Permit yourself to proceed at your own pace and to seek
assistance if necessary. Nevertheless, I encourage you to continue working,
even if you need to take breaks. Find the optimal balance between
avoidance and excess.
Creating a DBT Journal
This book will allow you to record your replies to the skills exercises. I
would also recommend bringing a journal to chronicle your travel
experiences. The greater your intention and dedication, the more you will
learn. You may select any notebook you desire. Don't put too much pressure
on yourself to make it flawless; instead, focus on making it useful. It's
solely for your use.
Each day you work on abilities, jot down the following:
● Specific emotions you are experiencing on that particular day.
● Rate the emotion between 0 and 10
● Evaluate the emotion following skill practice.
After that, the alternatives are limitless. You can describe and reflect on
your emotions/behaviors, investigate your thoughts about the skills, write or
draw what's on your mind, etc. The objective is to document your procedure
so you can monitor your progress.
When to Seek Expert Assistance
As previously said, some obstacles people face can feel overwhelming.
However, the abilities in this book can be useful to you over time. If your
difficulties are hazardous or life-threatening, there is no shame in
acknowledging that you could benefit from professional assistance as you
work through them. Changing lifelong habits and patterns is possible but
can be incredibly challenging. Let a professional guide you through it.
If you're unsure whether you need professional assistance, consider the
following:
● Do I have persistent thoughts of causing damage to myself or
others?
● Am I unsure of my ability to maintain my safety?
● Am I engaging in behaviors that put me at risk or exacerbate the
situation?
● Have I exerted myself for a very long time with no improvement?
If you responded yes to any of these questions, consider connecting
with a DBT therapist.
How to Locate the Appropriate DBT Clinician
There are numerous ways to locate a DBT clinician, including the
online resources in the book's Resources section. More importantly, how do
you find the appropriate therapist? There are numerous options available if
you seek a therapist with a basic understanding of DBT techniques. To
discover a highly specialized and trained DBT therapist who can give
comprehensive DBT, however, you will need to choose a DBT facility or
provider who is a member of what is known as an intensely trained team.
You can ask the individual if they are part of an intensively trained DBT
team.
Behavioral Tech, Linehan's organization, includes a "Find a Therapist"
option, as do DBTProviders.com and the DBT-Linehan Board of
Certification, which lists most DBT therapists with the highest levels of
training.

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Chapter 3: The Basic DBT Skills
Mindfulness
Nowadays, mindfulness is quite the buzzword. It is discussed in
business, health & fitness, and academic curricula. It decreases stress,
anxiety, and sadness, enhances concentration and sleep, and strengthens
immunity. Others seek cognitive wellness, while others are on a spiritual
quest. Others view it as a fleeting fad or trend.
Informed by Zen Buddhism, Dr. Marsha Linehan added scientific
mindfulness, or the mindfulness scientists have investigated and determined
to be useful apart from religious practice, into DBT. She chose this over
traditional meditation since so many of the patients she was treating
couldn't tolerate focusing on their breath and internal experience at the
onset of therapy during traditional meditation. She was the first to formally
integrate mindfulness into psychotherapy, conceiving it as the basis for the
other abilities.
Simply said, mindfulness is choosing to pay attention to the current
moment without judging or attempting to alter it. As a result, mindfulness
practice can reduce pain, boost enjoyment, improve cognitive control, and
assist you in being present in your own life and with others.

The Three Mental States


The concept of “Wise Mind” is central to DBT's mindfulness approach.
This dialectical exercise allows us to access our underlying inner
wisdom by integrating our emotional and reasonable/rational states of mind.
In the next part, we will study each of these mental states.
The Feeling Mind
Our emotions, interpretations, feelings, judgments, passions, and
anxieties reside in our emotional minds. Emotions can fuel extremely
significant behavior, such as extraordinary bravery or love. If we are
operating from our emotional mind, our decisions and behaviors are
decided purely by how we feel at the time, frequently rejecting rational
thought.
Typically, acting based on emotion offers short-term benefits but long-
term consequences. It is essential to realize that being extremely emotional
does not equate to an emotional mind. The emotional mind is when
emotions govern decision-making.
The Intelligent Mind
Our logical or rational mind is clinical and dispassionate, concentrating
on the facts to exclude our emotions and values. In a rational state of mind,
we can plan and assess logically. The reason is required, yet it can be
problematically dismissive of human connection when used alone.
It disregards warmth, kindness, and respect for the feelings and
experiences of others. Therefore, having a predominantly rational mind can
make it harder to establish relationships. When we repress our emotions in
favor of rationality, they also do not receive the necessary attention.
The Wise Mind
Everyone has a wise intellect. No one is always in a wise state of mind,
but we all have innate wisdom at the junction of our emotional and rational
minds. It is the part of you that can discover the truth, sometimes known as
your "gut" or intuition. It can be difficult for many of us to locate, and
gaining access to it will require practice.
A wise mind is both a mental condition and a practical talent. Practicing
the skill will help you access the mental state. So let's examine the practical
skill first.
MAKING A WISE-MINDED DECISION
For this exercise, consider a choice you're attempting to make. Then,
under "Reasonable Mind" on the left, record the facts and observations that
support your position. Next, under "Emotion Mind" on the right, record
your emotions, anxieties, interpretations, judgments, and worries. Then,
using both lists as a guide, you will put your wise-minded activity in the
middle column under "Wise Mind."
Let's imagine we're deciding whether or not to attend a wedding,
knowing that someone we dislike will be present. There is no single correct
response here.
Reasonable Emotional
Wise Mind
Mind Mind
Observing
that I have many
Feeling
emotions and
fear
thoughts about
this
Aware that I care more about the friends
getting married than my dislike for the Feeling
friends want me
there person I don't like. So I will show up worried
There will be at the wedding with other friends who
many people are supportive and will help keep me Feeling
there, only one of distracted. I will find other things to sadness
whom I dislike do so I don't focus on that person. It's
okay that I don't want to be around
The reason for them, so I will try not to engage but Wanting to
going is my love focus on the wedding. I can even step avoid
for friends. outside if it gets difficult.
Worrying
Not sleeping
I’ll be judged
Observing Worried
that I'm because I
contemplating couldn’t sleep

Try it out with your situation in the space provided or on a separate


sheet of paper.
Situation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Reasonable Mind Wise Mind Emotional Mind
Journal:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Exploring Your Mind
Many individuals who have struggled with overwhelming emotions,
challenging ideas, and problematic habits may find the prospect of
investigating their minds intimidating or even frightening. However, the
more you practice being conscious of your inner world and listening to your
sage mind, the more intuitive you become. It can be challenging to
distinguish between a knowledgeable mind and a powerful emotion.
You might think of a wise mind as the point where your well links to the
groundwater; it takes work and perseverance to overcome the hurdles that
you once believed to be the well's bottom, but with dedication, you will
discover that your well goes far deeper than you previously believed.
Initially, it will require serious thought and investigation to discover if you
have a sound mind. However, it will eventually be easy to access and
recognize.
LEARNING TO HEAR “WISE MIND”
There are numerous ways to practice gaining access to a smart mind.
Understanding the distinction between a wise mind and a rational or
emotional mind will take time. However, even when there is no immediate
response, learning to sit and listen will help you achieve equilibrium. Here
are some strategies to try:

1. Take a deep breath. Pause at the peak of the inhale and the
base of the exhale. Concentrate on being present throughout these
intervals.
2. Say "wisdom" to yourself as you inhale, then "mind" as you
exhale while breathing gently. Continue in this fashion.
3. Practice asking the wise mind a question to which you are
seeking a response. As you inhale, pose the question. As you
exhale, listen for a response. (Do not directly answer the
question.)
4. When making a basic decision, ask yourself, "Is this a mind of
wisdom?"
THE FOUR STYLES OF MINDFULNESS
A frequent inquiry concerning mindfulness is its relationship to
meditation.
Are they identical or unrelated? Mindfulness can be viewed as an
umbrella that encompasses a variety of practices. For example, mindfulness
includes meditation and other disciplines such as attentive movement,
diverse spiritual practices, and loving-kindness.
Meditation is a form of awareness that involves setting out a time to sit
quietly and concentrate on a specific object. While this sort of meditation is
not included in the skills modules of DBT, we can examine several
meditative traditions and identify similarities with the mindfulness
exercises used in DBT.
In the Buddhist tradition from which Linehan drew throughout the
development of DBT, four types of meditation correspond to our
mindfulness skills. They are referred to as concentrative mindfulness,
generating mindfulness, receptive mindfulness, and reflective mindfulness,
respectively.
Concentrative Mindfulness
In concentrative activities, we devote our full attention to a single
object. In traditional meditation, the breath may be the focal point; this can
be unsettling for new students, those with a history of trauma, or those
battling anxiety or intense emotions. Thankfully, the breath is not the only
focal point option. Anything we can focus on using any of our five senses
(sight, sound, touch, and taste) or our internal senses (such as our breath,
muscles, or other body sensations) can be the object of our attention. As we
gain more experience, we may focus on other interior experiences, such as
thoughts and emotions.
When we are focused on a single task, we will inevitably become
distracted. This reaction is the normal state of the human mind and does not
indicate failure. When this occurs, we can observe the distraction, refrain
from judging it, and repeatedly return our focus to the first task. We must
refrain from judging ourselves as "poor at mindfulness." Like any other
muscle, it will first lack strength and discipline. It is and always has been a
process.
CONCENTRATION MEDITATION
Set aside 5 to 10 minutes daily to focus on a single task. Perhaps one
day, it will be a visible and touchable object. Another day it may be a single
food item; observe its aroma, texture, and flavor as you consume it.
On a different day, you may observe your inhale and exhale, tracking
the whole sequence of a breath and counting to ten before beginning again
at one. If you discover that focusing on your breath induces anxiety, select a
bodily component, such as your left foot, and observe each of its parts.
Record your experiences in your journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Generative Mindfulness
Generative mindfulness techniques intend to generate good emotions on
purpose. One of the most well-known forms of generative practice is
loving-kindness, in which we attempt to develop kind feelings or
compassion for the self and others by simply beginning by having pleasant
thoughts about a person. Next, we intend to extend this loving compassion
to those we value and those with whom we fight. Self-compassion is
sometimes the most difficult to find, but self-compassion and other-
compassion are inextricably linked. Here are some recommendations for
practicing this meditation.

LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION
Numerous loving-kindness meditation recordings are available on
YouTube and in mindfulness applications. Consider experimenting until
you discover one that you like. First, locate a comfy seat and sink in as a
simple beginning. Then, after taking a few calming breaths, consider a
loved one. Finally, repeat these sentences gently to yourself, possibly a few
times, as you think of them with affection: "May they be secure, may they
feel loved, and may they find peace."
Then, you will move on to a neutral individual, an opponent, and finally
to yourself. You can begin with yourself if you can access feelings of
kindness toward yourself.
It can be difficult sometimes to extend these feelings to yourself or
someone you dislike. Practice with perseverance and patience. It will arrive.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Receptive Mindfulness
Practicing receptive mindfulness involves noticing and accepting
whatever arises in the present moment. Traditionally, one would sit with
eyes open and become aware of all feelings and experiences that arise in the
present moment. This activity would encompass the breath, the five senses,
various physical experiences, thoughts, emotions, and all external
environmental events. Even if ideas or judgments arise, the objective is to
notice them as they arise and pass away. In this sort of awareness, you
simply watch everything occurring within and around you without
becoming attached.
RECEPTIVE MINDFULNESS MEDITATION
This form of exercise can be pretty difficult. Find a place to sit in public
where there is a great deal of activity to test it out. Sit on a park bench for
twenty minutes, observing what passes in front of your eyes while staring
straight ahead. If you find that you're having to evaluate or judge thoughts
or are beginning to describe what you see mentally, simply monitor these
thoughts and urges and continue to watch whatever passes before you.
In your journal, record your reflections on the experience of attempting
to observe after the fact.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Reflective Mindfulness
Reflective mindfulness is likely the most difficult exercise for
beginners, persons with large, overwhelming emotions, or those with bad
pasts. The objective of reflective mindfulness is to select a single concept or
issue, such as a specific worry thought.
While selecting a theme, the individual is open to whatever experiences,
thoughts, and emotions may arise concerning it; this is an advanced
technique since it takes time to understand or trust that any unpleasant
emotions that may arise are transient. For example, a person with a terrible
or traumatic past could easily become preoccupied with how difficult their
life has been, which is unlikely to be useful.
REFLECTION MEDITATION
If you want to do this exercise, I suggest setting a timer for a few
minutes. Additionally, choose a topic or theme that is not too weighty or
challenging, and allow yourself to focus on what emerges around that
theme.
If you notice yourself becoming too anxious or distracted, return your
attention to the present. Remember to be nice and patient with yourself
during this and all meditation practices.
In your journal, reflect on what came up during your meditation.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
“WHAT” SKILLS
We use two sets of skills when learning to exercise our mindfulness
muscles: "what" skills and "how" skills. The "what" skills are what we do
when we are conscious—observing, describing, and participating are the
three "what" skills.
The "what" competencies are individually separate from one another.
They are intended to be completed individually, one at a time. Each of the
three skills — observe, describe, and participate — has a distinct
emphasis.
Observe
Observing involves concentrating on what you can perceive with your
five senses or inner sense, known as interoception, which is how your body
and brain connect. These senses may be located within or outside the body.
For example, you can observe the sensation of your breath in your nostrils,
the feeling of hunger, the color of the walls, and the experience of passing
your hand over something smooth. Also observable are brain activities such
as thoughts and emotions. Observing does not include considering how to
explain anything. Instead, it merely notes sensations and events or raises
your consciousness to them.
When we observe, we do so apart from the present moment. When
viewing a thought, emotion, or sensation, we attempt to step back and
observe its natural cycles instead of becoming immersed in it. As you may
see in a chemical reaction in a laboratory, we are just observing a
phenomenon or process.
So frequently go through life without recognizing what's happening
around us. Our symbolic eyes are closed, and we frequently believe that this
is the easiest course of action. Observing enables us to see the actual current
moment, not the moment we wish we were in. Observing enables us to
remain in the present and completely experience life.
OBSERVING AN OBJECT
Select an item from your immediate surroundings and observe its shape,
color, size, luster, and shadow-casting ability. Also, notice its feel and
weight as you pick it up, and then focus only on its physical attributes. If
you evaluate the object, assign it meaning, or attempt to describe it, simply
recognize your distraction. Do not condemn yourself; instead, refocus your
attention on what you can perceive with your senses.
Observe various objects, such as a leaf, a rock, and a candle flame. After
watching many items, you can observe various sensations/experiences,
including touch, smell, taste, muscle tension, hunger, respiration, and the
way your feet strike the ground when you walk. You can then proceed to
observe your thoughts and emotions. Just notice.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe
Once you have observed, you may describe. It’s our natural tendency to
add words to what we have noticed or experienced. When mindfully
describing, we put words to things we can experience ourselves.
Note that you cannot observe what another person is feeling, thinking,
or
feeling, even if you think you know, based on their facial expression,
speech, or actions. This is because you cannot perceive something
interior to another
person.
Describing helps us discern what we genuinely sense
(seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, feeling, or thinking) and
our
views or interpretations of what we're sensing. So much of our
emotional pain around occurrences originates from these interpretations
instead of the events themselves. Describing aids in separating the
difference.
For example, "My child is wearing mismatched clothing" is
significantly less formal than "My child is wearing mismatched clothing."
more neutral than "If my child attends school in that manner, they may
receive."
People may think I'm a bad parent because my child is being bullied."
—"My youngster is wearing mismatched apparel, and I've noticed that
I'm irritated."
have some concerns about that"—can assist us in clarifying what we're
doing in response.
JUST THE FACTS
When describing deliberately, only describe the facts. Do not include
any interpretations, opinions, or evaluations. You may get the impression
that someone dislikes you. In actuality, all you can do is observe the
individual's activities, facial expressions, and body language.
Consider an instance when you observed someone acting in a manner
that you considered to be furious.
Describe what you witnessed: shoulders raised, fists clenched, brows
drawn together, mouth clinched, or a loud voice.
Behaviors that I interpreted as anger:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Participate
Participation is total engagement with life. It is focusing your full
concentration on a single task in the present moment without regard for
what others may be thinking. It is about living in the present moment
without dwelling on the past or stressing about what may occur in the
future. For example, participation requires putting down your cell phone
during dinner and focusing on the meal and the person you are eating with.
It entails flowing with the flow, being spontaneous, and doing what is
required at the moment from a sage standpoint.
Participation entails total immersion in the activity at hand.
When we want to be conscious, our ultimate objective is involvement.
The antithesis of dread, self-consciousness, distraction, reactivity, exclusion
and avoidance is not living on autopilot or in a state of slumber. On the
contrary, participation ties us to life and other individuals.
Participation is complete living.
THROW YOURSELF IN
Here are some practice suggestions for involvement. First, choose an
activity you can immerse yourself in that attracts your attention. Then, to
practice involvement, write some of your thoughts in the lines below. Then,
perform at least one activity daily and document your experiences in a
journal.
Turn up the music and start dancing.
Sing with the music.
Sing while showering.
Prevent the balloon from touching the earth.
Jump rope or skip.
Eat dessert with complete concentration.
Additional involvement practice opportunities:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
"HOW" SKILLS
You now understand how to practice mindfulness. We will now examine
how to execute the "what" skills. These "how" abilities set the tone for our
attitudes and thinking as we practice mindfulness and try to be present in
the moment.
As stated above, the "what" abilities are intended to be completed
independently. In contrast, the "how" skills are attributes that may and
should be integrated into our practice of the "what" abilities. We want to act
nonjudgmentally, unselfishly, and effectively simultaneously.
Nonjudgmentally
Judgments are a natural aspect of life. Sometimes we judge to determine
the distinction between two objects or our choice between them. In certain
situations, we must judge to make decisions, such as determining if food is
safe to eat or whether something is lawful. However, judgments can add
confusion and even pain when dealing with emotions. When we are
attentive, we want to deal with simply the facts. Therefore we must leave
aside all judgments and evaluations, especially those based on unreasonable
expectations or lacking compassion for ourselves or others.
Good judgments inform us of repercussions, such as whether something
is objectively safe or will cause us harm. Recognizing that judgments can
be detrimental to our emotions and relationships, we acknowledge that they
are rarely useful. It is more productive to focus on problem-solving than on
whether something should be how it is.
When we focus on our judgments, we can easily become mired in our
emotions instead of viewing the situation objectively and determining a
solution.
The purpose of nonjudgment is not to endorse things we disapprove of
or to conceal our preferences, values, or ideas. Instead, the objective is to
recognize our judgments and set them aside when they prevent us from
accepting the present moment.
MISSING PERSONS REPORT
Consider a person you know or a renowned individual. Write a
description of the individual as if you were completing a missing person
report. Only focus on the objective characteristics of their physical
appearance, such as their height, weight, build, hair/eye/skin color, and
attire. Avoid words such as beautiful, unattractive, cool, athletic, artistic,
and stylish. All of these are assessments. Observe when you are ready for
judgment and, instead, seek the objective description. How does it feel
about choosing not to pass judgment?
A detailed account of a person:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
One-Mindfully
One-mindedly entails focusing on a single task at a time. Contrariwise
to multitasking. The goal of mindfulness practice is to be fully present in
the present moment and only in the present moment.
Whatever you're concentrating on, be it a task, a concept, or an emotion,
attempt to accomplish only that. If you find that your thoughts are straying
or you have the urge to multitask or allow your mind to wander, observe
this tendency and return your attention to the one thing and the present
moment.
One mindfulness isn't just about tasks; it eventually helps us control our
emotions since we can choose the one item we focus on instead of being
tossed around by our thoughts, emotions, or feelings as though they will
stay forever. The significance of this cannot be emphasized enough:
Understanding that a painful moment is not permanent enables you to
endure it. Furthermore, the ability to recall that even provoked memories
are merely memories and that the past is finished, as well as the knowledge
that the future has not yet arrived, enables one to endure even a challenging
situation.
Some tasks are difficult and involve several components. However, you
can still perform them attentively, one at a time.

JUST ONE THING


Select a single activity, and perform only that activity. If your task
involves numerous steps, focus on one step at a time and avoid letting your
attention wander to the next phase. When your mind wanders, simply
recognize that it is doing so and return to the task at hand. Upon
completion, record your observations in a notebook. Here are some
suggestions.
Feel free to add your suggestions.
Wash dishes manually. Consider each sensation you experience moving
the sponge or cloth around the dish. Observe the soap bubbles, temperature,
and texture of the water.
Prepare tea or coffee while concentrating on each step of the procedure.
Consume a meal while performing nothing else. Concentrate your full
concentration on the experience.
Take a walk and concentrate solely on the sense of walking.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Effectively
Effectiveness is defined as doing what works. It is knowing your
objective in any given circumstance and then taking the necessary steps to
attain it. Often, this entails adhering to the rules rather than staking your
claim to be correct. Rather than focusing on what you prefer to be
happening, your objective is to discover answers and make things work in
the current situation. When attempting to be effective, it is advantageous to
be open to trying new problem-solving strategies, discovering alternative
answers, and learning from your mistakes.
DO WHAT WORKS
Consider when you felt like digging in your heels or defending your
position. Consider what that felt like. Did emphasizing your rightness assist
you in achieving your objective, or did it hinder you? Is there anything you
might have done differently to achieve your objective? Note your
observations in your journal or in the designated place.
Situation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Your "correct" stance:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
What you could have done to increase your effectiveness:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Interpersonal Effectiveness

WHAT IS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS?


As stated previously, DBT's interpersonal effectiveness skills attempt to
help us balance our goals, relationships, and self-respect. They are divided
into three groups, which I will quickly outline below. Over the following
three weeks, we will concentrate on the first category: developing the
fundamental abilities necessary to achieve your aim or objective in each
given contact while keeping your relationship and self-respect.
These fundamental skills are a foundation for all interpersonal
interactions, including the other two categories: establishing and
maintaining relationships, terminating destructive relationships, navigating
the middle ground, or balancing acceptance and change in relationships.
These last two categories are vital to consider as you continue to create
strong relationships as part of a life worth living, but they are beyond the
scope of this book.

How Relationships and Emotions Interact


Interpersonal distress and emotional distress can interact in a
complicated manner. What does this imply for the development of
interpersonal skills?
First, it implies that we are not alone if we struggle with our
interpersonal and communicative skills and if our emotions make things
difficult. People with BPD or other patterns of intense emotions are often
accused of being manipulative or demanding. They are referred to using
terms such as passive-aggressive, or they are seen as overly intense.
Considering that people with these tendencies have spent a lifetime
being, at best, misunderstood and, at worst, harshly ridiculed for how they
express their emotions or interact with others, it's not surprising that their
interpersonal skills and self-confidence may require development.
Common patterns such as controlling, lying, blaming, threatening, being
overly intense, and being dependent, as well as oscillating between
idealization ("You're flawless and amazing") and devaluation ("You're
worthless, and I'm done with you"), trap people in cycles of unstable
relationships. Remember that our goal is to comprehend the function of
these behaviors and why they evolved, not to judge individuals for
employing them to live.
The abilities we acquire will provide us new tools for gaining what we
want or need in all types of relationships, not just romantic ones, without
sacrificing our self-respect or the connection itself.
CLARIFYING YOUR PRIORITY
When communicating with a person and requesting something from
them or refusing a request they have made, it is essential to be aware of
your interaction's importance. Consider a recent, imminent, or current
interaction in your life. I've provided some instances in the list that follows.
Note your situation(s) in the provided lines.
Next, determine which of these three priorities (Objective/Goal,
Relationship, and Self-Respect) is the most essential and record it. We will
spend more time clarifying what these priorities include over the next three
weeks, so don't worry about getting it "perfect."
Situation
Purchasing milk from the supermarket
2. requesting a raise
requesting a salary increase after five years.
4. refusing to cover for someone who constantly asks you to do so
5. declining a friend's invitation because you are ill.
Priority
1. Objective/Goal
2. Relationship with the supervisor. 3. Self-respect. 4. Self-respect.
5. Objective and maybe Relationship
Situation
1. _______________________________________
2. _______________________________________
3. _______________________________________
4. _______________________________________
5. _______________________________________
Priority
1. ___________________________________
2. ___________________________________
3. ___________________________________
4. ___________________________________
5. ___________________________________

PRACTICING DEAR MAN


The DEAR MAN skills are principles that enable us to be as effective as
possible in achieving our aim or objective, whether to ask for something or
decline a request. They are also useful to retain our position on a certain
topic. In subsequent weeks, we will expand on these with the GIVE and
FAST skills, enabling us to select the tone we wish to keep in a given
scenario based on our overall objective. Whether the objective is to save the
relationship or preserve our self-respect, we will continue to employ the
DEAR MAN assertiveness techniques.
You have a discussion starter when you combine the four steps of
DEAR (describe, express, assert, and reinforce). We will learn each step
using the examples from the last exercise. As you complete each practice
task, I encourage you to focus on a single situation from your own life.

Describe
As we did in the chapters on mindfulness, we will begin by describing
the circumstance. It is essential to eliminate opinions and describe only the
facts.
This orients the other person toward your objective and brings you both
to the same page.
Emotions might make it difficult to choose which information to present
when attempting to compose a paper. Consider what someone viewing from
the outside may perceive. When describing, you are not yet requesting
anything. You are merely introducing the subject. The following are
instances of the described skill:
EXAMPLES OF DESCRIBE
Purchasing milk at the store: "Please purchase some milk for me."
Requesting a pay increase: "I would want to request a wage increase."
A five-year employee requesting a raise: "I've been here for five years
but have not earned steady raises while others have."
I cannot cover every week for you.
I cannot get to meet with you today since I am unwell.
DESCRIBING THE SITUATION
Try composing your descriptive statement using the samples from the
last task. Try it a few times, focusing on expressing the essential facts of the
situation without judgments or interpretations and without offering
explanations or justifications for your request or refusal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Express
Express your feelings or beliefs regarding the matter briefly. Telling the
other person about your reaction will help them comprehend what you are
truly requesting or why this is essential to you.
This task can feel intimidating, but they must understand your
perspective; this may also feel like an attempt to manipulate, but that is not
the case. Simply, we are letting others know how we feel and what
motivates us to interact with them. The following are examples of the
express ability:
EXAMPLES OF EXPRESS
Concerned that my children won't have enough milk, I purchase it from
the grocery.
I believe that my job performance has merited a pay increase.
Requesting a raise after five years: "I believe I should be appropriately
appreciated as an employee given I work so hard and am always present."
I already work a full week and am exhausted from my schedule.
Saying no to a friend because you're ill: "I'm sorry to disappoint you."
EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS
Add your "express" to your "describe" from the previous task in the
space provided. Then, again, attempt twice or thrice to convey your
emotions as simply as possible, without pointing fingers or assigning
blame.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Assert
To assert is to expressly and unequivocally request what one desires.
Try to be as concise and precise as possible. Do not expect the other person
to read your thoughts or to understand what you are requesting or refusing,
and avoid making demands. Even if you believe you shouldn't have to ask,
it is preferable to be explicit. Be courageous and say it! Being aggressive
not only clarifies your request but also enhances your self-respect.
EXAMPLES OF ASSERT
The phrase "Can you ring up the milk for me?" is commonly used when
purchasing milk at the store.
Requesting a raise: "Can you authorize a raise?"
I am requesting a raise after five years: "I am requesting a raise."
I cannot cover every week for you.
Saying no to a sick friend: "I am unable to meet with you" or "Can we
reschedule?"
ASSERTING YOURSELF
Consider writing multiple ways to assert yourself or plainly state what
you want in the area provided.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Reinforce
To reinforce is to emphasize a benefit the other person will receive if
they comply with your request. If you take the time to evaluate your request
from their vantage point, you may be able to link it to what they require;
this could result from the situation or something you will do for them, such
as being a productive employee if they offer you a raise.
In general, rewards or positive consequences are significantly more
motivating than threats of negative consequences.
EXAMPLES OF REINFORCE
When purchasing milk at the grocery, "Your assistance encourages me
to continue shopping here."
Requesting a raise: "A rise will encourage me to continue working
here."
Requesting a raise after five years: "A significant rise will help me feel
valued, and I want to continue contributing to this organization."
Saying no to someone who constantly asks you to cover for them: "I
would appreciate it if you would occasionally ask other people."
Refusing a request from a sick friend: "I will feel so much better
knowing you're cool with rescheduling."
Complementing others and tying everything together
Lastly, list some ideas for encouraging the other party to comply with
your request.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Now return and compile your top selections for each:
D:________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________
E:________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________
A:________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________
R:________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________

You now possess your DEAR script.


(Stay) Mindful
There are a few things to bear in mind when presenting your DEAR
script. First, keep your objective in mind and maintain focus and topicality.
Keeping your purpose in mind, use the following techniques:
Act like a broken record, repeatedly requesting something or expressing
disapproval. You can either begin your DEAR from the beginning or select
the most important section. Then, continue repeating the same thing in a
calm manner. This will help you stay on topic, even when the other person
introduces arguments or distractions.
Ignore attacks and diversionary tactics. Repeat your request if the other
party attempts to intimidate, distract, attack, or throw you off. Avoid being
thrown off. The distraction will increase the individual's likelihood of
employing that strategy.
BROKEN RECORD
Predicting what attacks or digressions may arise during a discourse is
difficult. To prepare for this, consider the essence of what you are
requesting. For example, consider the case of requesting a raise. Perhaps
our core, or what we want our supervisor to hear the most, is, "I truly
believe I deserve a raise. Will you approve one?"
We can repeat this assertion like a broken record if the boss veers off
course.
What is the essential nature of my request?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
What are three alternative formulations? Then, at least five times,
practice pronouncing these aloud.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Appear Confident
Stand tall with your head high and make eye contact if not considered
culturally offensive. Use your posture to demonstrate your self-assurance
and deservingness of respect. Do not whisper, stutter, fidget, appear
uncertain, or retreat. It is acceptable if you do not necessarily feel confident.
Act as though regardless.
PRACTICING CONFIDENCE
Practice your DEAR script in front of a mirror once you have it.
Observe your posture and expression. Before entering a challenging
circumstance, jot down potential obstacles and review them.
Things to remember about my tone and confident appearance:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Negotiate
While it is essential not to apologize or back down from your desire, it
is sometimes necessary to be flexible. Occasionally, it is acceptable to be
flexible on less critical aspects of a request so long as you keep the most
crucial aspects. You might also provide alternate solutions to the problem or
inquire about the other person's ideas for inventive solutions.
BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE
Consider whether there is a compromise you'd be prepared to make to
acquire the majority of what you want or whether you'd be willing to
accomplish some of what they're requesting but not all. Then, in the space
provided, list the concessions you would be willing to make to obtain what
you truly desire while keeping your relationship and self-respect.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Here are some examples of how to practice combining DEAR and
MAN:
First, write your script, commit it to memory, or carry it with you.
Then, practice your script out loud.
Practice in front of the mirror, correcting your posture and attempting to
appear confident.
Ask a friend or family member for practice assistance. Have them be
helpful and receptive at one point and contentious at another.
Invite a friend to coffee or dinner.
Ask store staff for assistance in locating an item.
Inquire a stranger about what time it is.
Call and place an order for food, requesting specific selections.
Invalidation Is Often Well-Meaning
People are not always intentionally invalidating. Sometimes their
attempts to be encouraging fall short. Sometimes they are simply out of
touch with your needs. However, it is possible to acknowledge that they are
doing their best and that their invalidation is harmful.
There are ways to recover from hurtful invalidation, regardless of
whether it was intentional.
Be conscious of your answers, including your thoughts, feelings, and
bodily sensations.
Recognize when you are engaging in negative self-talk and stop; keep a
journal and confront the thoughts.
Acknowledge the validity of your responses.
Describe how you felt to someone supportive; if you're able, ask how
they would have reacted in your shoes.
Convince yourself that it is not the end of the world.
Recall that their behavior is the result of their past.
Work on modifying your ineffective replies.
Check the facts and discuss the problem with a reliable individual.
Show yourself kindness on purpose and frequently.
REWRITING YOUR RESPONSES
Consider a time when someone said something that somewhat offended
you.
I will guide you through understanding how it affected you, how you
responded, and how you might respond more effectively in the future.
Rewriting negative self-talk and practicing self-compassion inform our
bodies and brains that we do not have to believe the invalidating things
others say. Utilizing these multiple strategies creates new, self-validating
neural connections in the brain.
Follow these instructions:
Situation/their words:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Your reactions (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Your negative self-talk has evolved into:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Create an obstacle for your negative self-talk:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Consider doing something selfless for yourself:

LINEHAN'S SIX METHODS OF VALIDATION


We taught that the primary dialectic of dialectical behavior therapy
(DBT) is acceptance and change or validation and change. We learned that
the fundamental reason Linehan included validation in DBT was to
counterbalance the emphasis on transformation. When people are urged to
shift and change, they can easily believe that they are not okay or valid as
they are. However, the call for change is balanced when people are
validated—when they feel recognized and valued—and they are also
requested to make adjustments.
Linehan's second motivation for introducing validation into DBT was
the realization that when we validate others, they can learn to validate
themselves by following our example. Of course, these dynamics will
manifest differently in therapy than in our other relationships, but they
remain significant.
Not only does validation increase our communication and interactions,
but it also creates a comfortable environment where others may relax their
defenses, making them more receptive to connecting, cooperating, and
speaking with us. But, again, this is not manipulation but rather
effectiveness or doing what works.
Linehan has given us six strategies to validate others in no particular
sequence.
Pay Attention
Being fully present with another person has a substantial effect on
validating them. People can tell when you are there with them,
demonstrating that you care about what they have to say.
Turn off the television, delete your book or phone, and refrain from
multitasking. Instead, make eye contact and listen attentively. Or sit with
them. Ensure that your body language and facial expressions do not convey
invalidation accidentally. Being attentive or present does not imply
agreement with everything a person says. It only indicates that we have
heard and acknowledged their viewpoint.
DEEP LISTENING
Sit with someone you know or are in the process of getting to know and
ask them a question; pay close attention to their answer. Maintain eye
contact, gradually lean toward the speaker, and refrain from fidgeting. Put
away your phone, and do not even glance at it.
Note in your notebook how the interaction went, how it felt to give this
person your undivided attention, and how they appeared to respond. Try not
to think about what you will say next or what you will write in your journal
while the person is speaking.
REFLECT BACK
This skill demonstrates that you have carefully listened to the other
person. For example, at suitable periods without interrupting, you could say,
"I hear that you are quite upset," or repeat a little portion of what they've
just stated. Your objective is to let them know that you have heard their
comments and are catching up on the emotions they are expressing.
This task can be challenging and require practice, as it is essential not to
add your interpretations or assumptions. It is also essential to be open to
being wrong and to not become defensive if you attempt to reflect and
realize you were incorrect.
Again, you disagree with the individual. You are only acknowledging
that you have heard them.
BE PRESENT
This ability should be practiced with a friend, family member, or
therapist. Request that they discuss something they are feeling. Attempt to
recall and reflect on a few of the following:
The portions of the story that appear significant to them (e.g., "It sounds
like you had a busy and stressful day, and your employer made demands")
The emotions people are expressing (e.g., "I hear you're feeling worried,
fatigued, and possibly unappreciated")
Their ambitions, desires, or disappointments (e.g., "It sounds like you
could need some affirmation that you're doing a good job")
Remember to be willing to make mistakes. If your comments fail to
resonate, inquire softly, "What am I missing?"
READ MINDS
Reflecting, reading minds is often a development or expansion of the
preceding skill. In mind-reading, you examine what you know about the
context, what you observe in their emotion, expression, and body language,
how individuals typically react to such circumstances (e.g., a family loss),
and your understanding of the individual. You then take a leap of faith and
make an educated guess about how they feel. It can be incredibly reassuring
and comforting when someone guesses your emotions without you having
to express them.
However, we might easily make a mistake. Consequently, it is essential
to: Suggest your ideas tentatively. Do not present them as if you are telling
the individual how they feel. Be careful and willing to make mistakes. Don't
assume you understand their emotions or intentions.
As we discussed in the section on mindfulness, it is impossible to know
with certainty what another person is thinking or experiencing unless they
tell us. Also, we cannot expect others to know what we are thinking or
feeling until we communicate this information to them. This degree of
validation is intended to demonstrate that we are listening well enough to
find connections and that we care enough to attempt to comprehend what
they are saying. We are always open to hearing that our estimations fall
short of the mark.
MIND READING REFLECTION
Consider a time when someone made a decision that affected you
without considering your feelings or when someone assumed (incorrectly)
that they knew what you thought or felt. Next, consider how that made you
feel, and in the space provided, describe how they could have approached
the situation differently and more effectively. Finally, consider how you
could include these principles into your approach to mind-reading
validation.
UNDERSTAND THEIR HISTORY
This form of validation is to show someone that you recognize how
their responses, ideas, feelings, and behaviors make sense in light of their
background and experiences; this indicates an awareness that everything
has a cause. The past or wiring of a person might easily lead to particular
responses.
For instance, a person with health problems may tire easily, while
someone with a history of frightening or traumatic experiences may not
react well to surprises. Likewise, a resident in a wet area is likely to carry
an umbrella, whereas a person with limited access to food may be less
likely to discard even small bits of food.
Noting that past experiences influence particular responses does not
imply that these responses are fixed or immutable.
Even though we have been responding in a particular manner for a very
long period, we can still learn new responses.
CONTEXTUALIZING A PERSON'S UNDERSTANDING
Consider a person you know well. Consider some of their characteristic
answers. Can you connect their particular answers or ways of functioning to
their unique experiences or characteristics? Document your ideas. Consider
some of your responses to situations and see if you can make sense of them
in this context.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE VALID
While it is empowering to be validated based on your personal history,
it is even more empowering because your response is generally or
categorically valid or fits the facts across the board. It is effective to
validate a person by stating that their sentiments make sense and that
"anyone would feel that way in your situation"; it is even more powerful to
demonstrate this validation. For example, imagine someone telling you, "I
find it quite irritating when you block in my car when you know I have to
go to work so early in the morning."
Instead of saying, "Why don't you just grab my keys and move my car?"
you said, "Why don't you just grab my keys and move my car?" Then, you
state (invalidating), "You know what? You are correct. I neglected to
consider how inconvenient that would be. I'll move my automobile
immediately and avoid doing so again" (validating). You have doubled their
sense of validity by admitting and resolving the issue.
UNDERSTANDING TYPICAL HUMAN REACTIONS
Consider instances where you have felt empathy, sympathy, or
compassion for others, relating to how badly they must be feeling and
thinking about how you might feel in a similar scenario. List a few
instances in which you have felt this way on the lines provided. Then,
record what you could say or do that the individual could perceive as
validating.
NOTE: It is not always appropriate or essential to solve other people's
problems to validate them.
Example:
A colleague has a sick child at home.
What I can say or do is, "Wow, you must be very anxious. Why don't
you go home, and I'll close the store for the evening?"
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Situation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
What I can say or do:
SHOW EQUALITY/RADICAL GENUINENESS
Be present, be genuine, and demonstrate sincere replies. As DBT
therapists, this is a significant issue. DBT therapists are noted for displaying
authentic reactions to what our clients disclose with us instead of having
stereotyped, calm, "therapist-like" responses; this applies to numerous
relationships in your life. Demonstrating to others that you consider
yourself as their equal, as opposed to apart from or superior to them, can
affirm them.
RADICAL GENUINENESS AND BEING REAL
Who in your life has treated you as an equal who could have behaved
superiorly? Who can you do the same for in your own life? Include friends,
family, coworkers, classmates, service workers, and public personnel in
your list of potential equal-treatment strategies. Try to brighten someone's
day by "seeing" them.
Record your experiences and refer to them in the future to recall what
they were like.
STRENGTHENING RELATIONSHIPS USING GIVE
GIVE ([be] Gentle, [act] Interested, Validate, and [use an] Easy manner)
is the skill we add to DEAR MAN when relationship effectiveness is our
top priority or when protecting the relationship while achieving our
objective is our top priority. For example, if this is our priority, we might
ask ourselves, "How do I want the other person to feel about me after this
interaction? And is that more essential than obtaining my desires?
By utilizing the GIVE skills, we increase the likelihood that we will
obtain what we desire and that the other person will like or respect us more
than before the interaction.
Similar to the MAN skills, these focus more on the tone of our
communication than the actual words we use, although the words are
equally crucial.
Note that we cannot always prioritize the relationship. It can be
frightening to risk rejection or disapproval. Still, if we always sacrifice our
personal needs and desires to maintain harmony, the relationship will
become so unbalanced that it cannot continue. Therefore, we must strike a
balance between short-term objectives (peace and harmony) and long-term
objectives (health and balance for both parties).
(BE) GENTLE
Be kind and respectful in your tone and style. Avoid making threats,
showing contempt, passing judgment, and launching verbal attacks. People
are less likely to want to spend time with you if you regularly express direct
anger. Any overt or covert threats to get your way should also be avoided;
they may work temporarily but are ineffective in the long run. Even when
it's hard or you don't receive what you want, try to be in the moment.
Also, avoid name-calling, insults, demonstrations of contempt, and guilt
trips. Instead, as in mindfulness, notice and explain problems devoid of
judgments, interpretations, or the insistence that you comprehend their
intent. Even while pointing out faults, it is possible to do so courteously and
gently. Present the facts.
Note: Seek professional support and counseling if there are potentially
harmful dynamics at play or if you are attempting to exit a toxic
relationship.
(SHOW) INTEREST
If you want someone to listen to your perspective, you should do the
same for them – Take an interest in their perspectives and thoughts. Expect
a two-sided discussion and be interested in their reasons for disagreeing or
saying no, if that's their perspective. Do not assume you know their
thoughts. Ask. Observe their responses. Avoid interrupting and talking over
them.
Be patient and willing to reschedule the conversation if they require it.
It is acceptable if you are not always interested in what someone says.
However, you can still choose to listen because it is important to that
person. Demonstrating this will foster a great relationship.
VALIDATE
We discussed validation in depth last week, but it's so crucial for
maintaining and enhancing our relationships that we'll address it again here.
Relationships are about communicating and connecting with the other
person in whatever ways are appropriate given our respective
responsibilities in the relationship. We validate the other person so they
know we comprehend their perspective.
It does not necessarily imply that we agree or have the same viewpoint.
We can acknowledge why someone feels a certain way while disagreeing
with their thoughts and emotions. For instance, we can get why they lose
their temper, but we prefer they find a better method to show it. It is most
effective to employ words, tone, posture, facial expressions, and actions
while validating.
(UTILIZE AN) EASYGOING MANNER
Finally, when we are focused on enhancing or preserving the
relationship, it is beneficial to adopt an easygoing tone. If we can grin,
utilize humor, and keep things light, our demands will be received more
favorably.
Diplomacy and calming emotions can alleviate tension and hostility. No
one desires to be forced or intimidated into cooperation. A crucial skill is
the ability to make people enjoy working with you. You can accomplish this
while still recognizing and validating their viewpoint.
USING GIVE
Return to the scenario you created in week 10. First, consider how your
DEAR MAN may be different if the relationship were your top concern.
Then, write down some actions you may take if you utilized GIVE in that
circumstance.
G: ______________________________________
I: _______________________________________
V: ______________________________________
E: ______________________________________
FAST
If self-respect effectiveness is your top priority, ask yourself, "How do I
want to feel about myself after this interaction? The FAST skills ([be] Fair,
[no] Apologies, Stick to your principles, and [be] Truthful) are created for
when we want to feel good about how we've used DEAR MAN.
People may experience a loss of self-respect when they display "too
much emotion," such as tears, anxiety, or wrath. Others feel this way if they
are either accommodating or demanding.
We should strive to retain self-respect in every interaction, regardless of
our top priority. Unfortunately, we have continually erred in either not
safeguarding our self-respect or overprotecting it. The objective of the
FAST talents is to keep our self-respect while still being effective in
attaining what we want.
(Be) Fair
Being fair to both yourself and the other person is essential. Taking
advantage of others will erode your self-respect over time. Conversely, your
self-respect will suffer if you regularly give in to what you want or need and
allow others to take advantage of you.
Maintain a balance between advocating for yourself and respecting the
wishes of others.
(No) Apologies
Don't over-apologize. The desire to apologize for existing, occupying
space, having an opinion, or requesting anything is rarely justified.
If you express regret for making a request, it implies that you were
wrong; this will diminish your sense of self-respect. It can also be
detrimental to relationships to apologize excessively. Acting as if you do
not deserve to be there may convince others of this fallacy over time.
If an apology is required to heal the connection, it is usually a separate
discussion. Compose a different script if you believe it must occur before
your FAST chat. If the apology is the objective, it should be specific and
concise rather than lengthy.
Stick to Your Values
Know what is important to you and adhere to it – this is not about
rigidity; it's about living according to your morals and ideals. There are
instances when the values of two persons in a relationship clash. Sometimes
we must decide whether to compromise our values to preserve a
relationship. Occasionally, you may believe that the circumstances warrant
this. Know that allowing your principles to take a back seat consistently
over time will erode your self-respect and ultimately damage a relationship.
Consider how frequently your values are disregarded. If it is more than
an occasional occurrence, you must focus on bolstering your self-respect in
your interactions and ensuring that your beliefs guide your behavior.
(Be) Truthful
Even little acts of dishonesty can erode a person's self-respect. Small or
large lies, seeming helpless when you're not, and exaggeration can diminish
your self-respect, even if they seem unimportant. Dishonesty and fake
helplessness are antithetical to mastery development.
There is no judgment if you have relied on types of dishonesty to reduce
conflict and discomfort in the past. It likely made you feel better or helped
you avoid problems for the time being. However, since our current
objective is to retain our self-respect and relationships effectively, it will be
necessary to avoid it, as it will erode both.
USING FAST
What behaviors have you taken that have undermined your self-respect
in your interactions with others? What steps may be taken to enhance these
interactions? Returning to the scenario we\spicked up from week 10 in the
GIVE exercise, how would you apply each of\sthe FAST skills if you are
emphasizing self-respect in your situation?
F: _______________________________________
A: _______________________________________
S: _______________________________________
T: _______________________________________

Emotion Regulation
Regulating emotions entails having some control over your emotions,
including which ones you experience, when and how intensely, and how
you act or express them. Emotion regulation abilities enable us to precisely
comprehend and recognize our emotions, experience fewer unpleasant
emotions, suffer less as a result of negative emotions and be less susceptible
to emotion, which will be discussed in this part. It is essential to keep in
mind that emotions are neither good nor bad; they simply are.
We just wish to control or diminish ineffective feelings. For example,
suppose emotions serve a significant purpose, such as conveying a message
or inspiring us or others in a way that benefits us. In that case, we do not
wish to eliminate them. Pretending that emotions do not exist or repressing
them may make us feel better in the moment, but it often delays dealing
with the issue, which makes it worse in the long run.
The Three Ways of Thinking
When we consider emotion management skills, one of its key tasks is to
make us less prone to make decisions based on emotion and more able to
access wise minds. Making judgments with a level head provides a
balanced outlook on life, but making decisions based exclusively on
emotions frequently leads to difficulties. Therefore, let's briefly examine the
emotive mind, the rational mind, and the wise mind.
The Rational Self
In a rational state of mind, we are typically clinical and distant. We are
emotionless. We base our conclusions on intellect, facts, and what we
consider sensible. We are rational when preparing or following technical
guidelines; this can be advantageous in certain circumstances, but if we
consistently reject emotions — both our own and others — we will become
disconnected and imbalanced.
The Psychological Self
When we are in the emotional mind, we make decisions based solely on
emotions, ignoring facts and logic. Sometimes we believe we are focusing
on the facts, but due to our strong emotions, the facts are either minimized
or exaggerated. As in week 1, we must sometimes behave based on our
emotions. Other times, such as expressing deep love, we desire to act on
them. However, acting on emotions frequently involves making rash
decisions that we may regret once the intensity of the feeling subsides.
Intelligent Self
When we are in our wise minds, we transcend emotion and logic.
A discerning intellect considers both and develops further. Do you recall
learning about dialectics in chapter one? We taught that a dialectic
combines the best aspects of conflicting viewpoints and builds upon them.
If the intelligent mind is a Dialectic, we realize that repressing emotions
does not lead to equilibrium or a synthesis of emotion and reason. On the
contrary, emotion and logic are required to attain wisdom.
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR EMOTIONS
As previously mentioned, emotions can make us feel like we're on a
roller coaster or in a car with no steering wheel. Especially when emotions
are intense and overwhelming, it can appear like we have no control over
them.
By understanding what emotions are and what they do, we will already
be well on our way to gaining some control over them. In addition,
identifying and naming an emotion typically causes its intensity to diminish
slightly. Therefore, the ability to articulate our emotions is crucial if we
wish to comprehend and control them.
What, How, and Why Emotions Occur
What are feelings? Why are they called emotions? When originating in
the brain, emotions are sensations. They are sudden and involuntary, and
they cause bodily feelings. "We call them feelings because we feel them in
our body," Dr. Linehan is renowned for stating. Frequently, we are aware of
our physical feelings before we realize we are experiencing an emotion.
Emotions perform multiple crucial tasks; this includes serving as a
warning system, pushing us to act, and communicating with ourselves and
others. It is believed that a single feeling can endure up to 90 seconds but
that the body's response to that emotion can last up to 20 minutes if it is not
attended to or fed. However, feeding or prolonging it can become a state of
mind that can stay much longer.
Classifying our emotions is the first step in gaining control over them.
CATEGORIZING YOUR EMOTIONS
The DBT focuses on ten primary emotional categories. The majority are
self-explanatory, but a few require elaboration. Commonly understood
emotions include fear, wrath, sadness, happiness, and love. In addition, the
following terms deserve clarification in terms of how they are defined in
DBT:
You are guilty when anything you've done or a trait you possess violates
your moral code.
When your conduct or characteristic puts you at risk of rejection by a
social group whose acceptance is important to you, you feel shame.
Envy is the desire for what someone possesses.
Jealousy is the emotion of uneasiness that your possessions or loved
ones may be jeopardized or lost.
Disgust is a strong aversion or disgust for an object or a person.
Shame cannot exist without disgust.
Write down each of the ten categories of emotions in your notepad.
For each emotion, list as many synonyms or subcategories as possible.
This will assist you in understanding the variety and nuances of
emotions. For example, not every annoyance is fury, and not every
appreciation for others is eternal love.
Pristine vs. Subsequent Emotions
These terms allude to the order in which we experience emotions. For
example, imagine you are in a public place when you discover you are still
wearing your fuzzy slippers. The initial sensation you might feel is likely to
be "astonishment," followed by embarrassment or amusement, humiliation,
and finally, rage. But, of course, if surprise or humiliation occurred first,
they would be the dominant feeling.
Everything else is subordinate. Typically, secondary emotions are a
reaction to the primary ones. For example, we may feel angry because
humiliation is uncomfortable or shameful. After all, we believe our error
makes us socially unacceptable. It can be beneficial to recognize secondary
emotions because they do not always correspond to the scenario we are
responding to.
EXPLORING PRIMARY AND SECONDARY EMOTIONS
Consider a period when you experienced multiple emotions in response
to a scenario. Record the feelings that you experienced. Which do you
believe was the principal response (the one that was a direct reaction to the
circumstance)?
Which was subordinate, and how do you believe you arrived there?
Next, consider how the emotions made you feel. Where in your body did
you feel them?
Situation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Feelings:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Score (0 to 100):
Principal feeling:
Emotion secondary:
Sensations:
THE LINK BETWEEN EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIORS
As we mentioned in the last chapter, the first step in learning how to
manage our emotions is to be able to recognize and comprehend them.
Simply naming and labeling an emotion reduces its intensity slightly.
However, understanding the connections between our emotions, responses,
and behaviors can have an even greater impact on our ability to exert some
control over our behavior patterns.
Remember that emotions, thoughts, acts, and body sensations are all
considered behaviors in behavioral treatment. So, let's clarify how emotions
relate to behavior and how we can utilize this knowledge to lessen some of
our troublesome behaviors and increase others.
How Emotions Influence Behavior
Have you ever heard, "You make me so angry!" or "That makes me so
sad!"? It is natural to believe that a scene or another person's actions create
our feelings or behaviors, but the truth is more complex. Chain analysis is
one of our major tools in DBT for identifying the relationship between our
emotions and actions.
In chain analysis, we examine the links in a chain of external and
internal dynamics to determine how an event led to a behavior or action.
First, how we perceive or interpret the incident leads to our emotions
(brain/body changes). Then, these changes lead to compulsions, which
frequently result in acts with undesirable outcomes. Consider the following
example.
Here is how a chain appears:
Vulnerability Factors
Prompting Event
Thoughts/Interpretations
Brain and Body Changes, Action Urges
Actions, Expressions, "Behaviours"
Aftereffects, Consequences
There is a phrase in DBT: "What we track changes." As we monitor
emotions, impulses, and actions on a diary card, we begin to recognize
patterns of emotions, urges, and the emotions we experience resulting from
engaging in the behaviors we are attempting to modify.
Often, the behavior we attempt to alter is not the problem; rather, it is
the attempt to fix it. To cease the behavior, we must discover an alternate
solution to the problem that led to the conduct. For example, in this chart,
drinking alcohol and sending furious texts are solutions to the problem of
feeling awful due to ongoing family disputes.
CHAIN ANALYSIS: FIGURING OUT WHAT HAPPENED
Think of a time an event led to a behavior you're trying to change.
(Choose an incident that won't bring up unmanageable emotions.)
Can you identify what happened between the prompting event and the
action or behavior?
What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What were you
experiencing in your body?
Were there vulnerability factors, such as being extra tired or already
stressed?
Write down everything you can remember about what happened
between the prompting event, the action, and what happened afterward.
Did you feel relieved initially? Did your support system respond in a
certain way?
Did you spiral into shame or self-blame?
If you get stuck, ask yourself, "What happened next?"
There's not one right way to do this, but here's an example of what a
chain might look like. First, use the blank chart to try your chain, or re-
create it in your notebook. Exploring your chains, over and over and over,
can give you great insight into what might need to shift to change the
behavior. Then, once you've filled it out, highlight the things that most
contributed to using the target behavior.
MISSING LINKS ANALYSIS—WHAT COULD HAVE HELPED?
In chain analysis, we ask "What happened?" to determine how we
arrived at the problematic behavior. A missing links analysis on the opposite
end of a chain asks, "What would have been effective?"
We pose the following questions to determine what might have
improved our effectiveness in the situation. The examples are derived from
the same scenario as the chain analysis exercise.
Remember that the purpose is not to make us feel guilty or ashamed for
our wrongdoing. Instead, this will help us determine how to be more
efficient in the future.
Example:
Did I know what actions would have been helpful?
____ Yes X No
If not, what prevented it?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
I was emotionally and physically exhausted, so I acted without thinking.
How could I have solved the issue?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
I could have told my sister I was exhausted and requested a
conversation in the morning.
Was I willing to perform the necessary tasks?
____ Yes X No
If not, what prevented you from being willing?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
I was irritated by my sister and unwilling to cooperate.
Did the idea of being effective ever cross my mind?
____ Yes X No
If not, how could I problem-solve to increase my likelihood of coming
up with expert solutions?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
I can practice the abilities that could be beneficial (such as STOP), hone
my interpersonal effectiveness skills, and take a moment before responding
to her text message.
Try this with your circumstance:
Did I know what actions would have been helpful?
____ Yes ____ No
If not, what prevented it?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
How could I have solved the issue?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Was I willing to perform the necessary tasks?
____ Yes ____ No
If not, what prevented you from being willing?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Did the idea of being effective ever cross my mind?
____ Yes ____ No
If not, how could I problem-solve to increase my likelihood of coming
up with expert solutions?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
USING ABC PLEASE
One of the most fundamental strategies to develop emotional resilience
is to live a life we perceive worthwhile. When we live a meaningful life
according to our standards, difficult things become more manageable.
Contributing to our happiness or unhappiness is a combination of life's
events and circumstances and our responses to them. This involves caring
for our bodies, as our physical health contributes to our resilience.
The ABC PLEASE skills provide some practical approaches to initiate
or continue building such a life. The ABC portion of the acronym refers to
strategies to help us lessen our vulnerability to the emotional mind by
amassing positive experiences to balance the difficult ones, developing a
sense of success and mastery, and coping in advance when we anticipate
difficult situations.
The PLEASE portion of the acronym emphasizes taking care of our
physical bodies so that we are more robust to severe emotions and life
challenges. The mind/emotions and the body are inextricably intertwined. If
your body is out of balance, you will be more susceptible to unpleasant
emotions and more prone to act impulsively.
Accumulate Positives
Everyone has duties that need energy and resources and has endured
hardship. We need a combination of short-term good or pleasant
occurrences to produce happy feelings, long-term, meaningful experiences,
and positive movement toward our objectives and ideals to achieve balance.
Therefore, we must not only withdraw from our emotional bank accounts
but also make deposits.
To do this, we must:
Accumulate positives in the short term. It is essential to have pleasant
experiences that generate positive emotions and counteract negative ones.
Additionally, accumulating positives counteracts the tendency to shun all
encounters to avoid unpleasant ones. Unfortunately, this prevents us from
experiencing positive ones as well.
Long-term accumulation of positives All lives are worth living. Still,
when we are attempting to enhance our own lives, it is essential to fill them
with things that are significant to us and align with our beliefs and
priorities. Consider that values may fluctuate and evolve throughout time.
After identifying our values and priorities, we must develop goals and
take action to achieve them.
DEFINE YOUR VALUES
The investigation of life-guiding personal values is beyond the scope of
this book, but here is a starting point. First, check as many of these values
as you deem important. Add your own if they are not already present. Then,
reduce the list to five items.
Next, select one of the remaining one or two options for the subsequent
step of this activity.
Relationships
Belonging to a group
Having power and influence
Accomplishing things
Pleasure and fulfillment
Excitement and novelty
Being polite
Being self-directed
Being spiritual
Being secure
Seeing the good in others
Contributing to a cause
Self-development Integrity
______________
______________
After narrowing it down to a handful of values, choose one to act upon.
Finally, write down three actions you can do to achieve your value.
Goal to strive for:
Three actions are possible:
Select one action for today:
______________________________________________________
BUILD MASTERY
We must all feel capable. Learning new things and developing new
skills or a sense of mastery are essential components of a life worth living.
Indeed, as long as we are alive, our brains are capable of learning new
information. Unfortunately, as we approach late adulthood, we are less
likely to place ourselves in novel circumstances where we can gain new
knowledge.
This also occurs when we permit fear and avoidance to reign supreme.
It is essential to take deliberate action to develop a sense of
accomplishment. We should seek opportunities to challenge ourselves but
never to defeat ourselves. Increasing the level of difficulty over time is
crucial.
Imagine yourself as a pole vaulter. You may not be able to clear the bar
on the highest setting just yet, but with time and practice, you will be able
to do so.
TRY NEW THINGS
Identify and record in advance one thing to try each day this week, at
least three times. They might be distinct entities or milestones toward a
broader objective. Do something that is demanding but achievable: neither
too easy nor too difficult. Setting projects that are too easy will not provide
a sense of accomplishment while setting activities that are too tough can
lead to frustration.
The progression of increasing difficulty keeps you pushing forward.
Celebrate every success, regardless of its size.
Keep track of your achievements and refer to them when you need
motivation.
Manage Ahead
Cope Ahead
When you anticipate a difficult scenario, the ability to cope in advance
is necessary. It consists of three components: planning for efficient coping
with anticipated obstacles, visualizing being in the scenario and handling it
expertly or effectively, and resting afterward to form an association with
expertise and confidence. Imagining is just as crucial as having a plan
because it creates new neural pathways in the portion of the brain that will
employ the strategy, thus wiring confidence in advance of the actual
circumstance. Like the mental exercise covered previously in the book (see
here), relaxing is essential to this ability.
PREPARE AND PRACTICE
Identify a situation you wish to prepare in advance in your notebook.
Is this a family reunion? Presentation? Job interview? Next, please
follow these directions:
First, identify the emotions and impulses that may arise and make it
difficult to use your skills.
Next, determine the abilities or strategies you will employ. Finally,
visualize yourself in the circumstance in full detail in the present tense.
Rehearse the scenario aloud, walking through the event skillfully from
beginning to end—practice dealing with various potential events or issues,
including the worst-case scenario. You can alternatively compose this
section as a screenplay and practice it aloud.
After your performance, you should employ relaxation strategies. (Do
not miss this section!)
Physical Illness
A physical condition, whether a cold, a long-term illness, or chronic
pain, can make it more difficult to manage emotional challenges. Your
resistance to emotional problems increases when you do all possible to treat
and manage disease or suffering.
(BaLanced) Eating
Determining what foods and eating routines make you feel well over
time is essential. This includes not overeating or undereating, avoiding
blood sugar spikes, and avoiding meals that make you feel physically or
emotionally ill. This can be difficult if you have a complicated connection
with food, but a consistent approach is essential.
Avoiding Mood-Altering Substances
It can be tempting to use illicit substances or alcohol to deal with or
escape emotional stress, but doing so reduces our ability to resist negative
emotions and frequently increases them over time.
Dependence on substances for emotional management can result in
addiction.
(Balanced) Sleep
A regular sleep schedule and a sufficient amount of sleep enhance
resilience. This is especially crucial if you have trouble sleeping or are
experiencing sadness. On the other hand, both too much and too little sleep
are detrimental to physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Try to go to
bed, wake up simultaneously each day, and avoid using electronic devices
before bed.
Exercise
Movement is crucial. It helps us overcome emotional obstacles. If you
have access to it, regular exercise is essential. We know that 20 minutes of
aerobic exercise five to seven days per week can produce excellent
outcomes and work as an antidepressant. If you cannot do so, you can likely
still engage in stretching or movement. Even brief outside exposure can
provide some benefits.
CHANGING UNWANTED EMOTIONS
When confronted with a circumstance that elicits uncomfortable
emotions, our first instinct is to resolve the underlying issue. When unable
to address a problem, we turn to other skills, such as emotional
manipulation. The abilities in this area are for altering undesirable
emotions, such as those that do not match the facts, those that are inefficient
at advancing your goals, and those that are appropriate but excessively
intense. We will begin by identifying and naming our emotions.
Then, we will learn how to judge if our feelings match the situation's
facts. Finally, we will discover how to use opposite actions to reduce
ineffective or undesirable feelings.
Each activity in this part will be based on the same situation.
Recognize and Label Your Emotion
As noted in the previous chapter, the ability to name an emotion is a
skill. As we seek to manage our emotions, we must know precisely what we
are feeling and what is causing it. The more precisely we can identify our
emotions and their triggers, the greater our ability to modify them. Try the
following activity to grasp better how to identify your emotions effectively.

IDENTIFYING AND LABELING EMOTIONS


Identify an emotion you are experiencing and rate it on a scale from 0 to
100 in the area provided. Then, record the body sensations, body language,
or cravings that accompany the emotion.
Next, record the event that you believe triggered the emotion. Identify
as many synonyms or subcategories as possible for this emotion. Determine
which of these alternatives best describes your experience. Now, evaluate
the severity of your feeling once more.
A finished version of this exercise is provided for your reference.
Emotion: Fear
Rating (from 0 to 100): 55
Body language/ Sensations: heart racing, stiff muscles, rapid breathing,
arms crossed, shoulders hunched, desire to flee or escape
Prompting event: Not wanting to be at a coworker's party was the
impetus.
Synonyms: Anxiety, worry, concern, humiliation, fear, shyness
New terms: anxiety and shyness
Score (0 to 100): 45 ratings (out of 100)
Emotion:
Score (0 to 100):
Body sensations/language:
Prompting event:
Synonyms:
New feeling label:
Score (0 to 100):
Check the Facts
Sometimes we wish to alter our feelings. However, before we can do so,
we must verify the facts. This does not imply that we are questioning the
legitimacy of our feelings. Instead, checking the facts entails assessing if a
feeling matches the situation's facts.
Our emotions are reactions to how we understand experiences.
Sometimes, obtaining data can affect or alter our interpretations, so altering
our feelings or at least convincing us that it is reasonable to do so.
Sometimes, assuming that our judgments or opinions are accurate can result
in intense emotions or further difficulties.
FACT-CHECKING YOUR EMOTIONS
Record your responses to the following questions in the space provided:
Which feeling do I wish to alter? Give it a score out of 100.
What occasion triggered the emotion?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

What interpretations do I have of the event?


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Do I suppose a danger? Label it. (Frequently, intense or unpleasant
emotions stem from a perception of danger or anxiety about possible
undesirable results.)
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Determine other probable outcomes.
What would be the worst-case situation if the threat materializes? (It is
typically not as horrible as we fear.) And what is more probable?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Does my emotion or its intensity correspond to the evidence?


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
The emotion I wish to change:
Score (0 to 100):
Prompting event:
My Interpretations:
Possible danger:
Other potential outcomes:
Most likely/worst-case scenario:
Does my feeling or its strength correspond to the facts?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Determine Your Action Urge and What You Want as a Result
Emotions are hardwired with impulses to take action. For example, the
urge of fear is to flee or avoid. The rage impulse is to attack. The desire for
love is embracement. For example, when confronted by a roaring lion,
acting on these impulses is reasonable and proper. Occasionally, acting on
impulses will instantly lead to disaster or is unneeded.
If we have examined the issue and established that our feeling or its
strength does not match the facts, we will likely not act on the impulse. It is
also feasible that we will need to delay acting on the impulse in the current
moment or circumstance. Whether or not to act on an impulse may depend
on whether the expected outcome of the action corresponds with our desired
outcome.
EXAMINING YOUR URGES
Consider what the want may be in your situation. Examine the examples
in the box, then respond to the following questions in the area provided:
What feeling are you experiencing?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
What is the compulsion associated with your emotion?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Will it be productive to act immediately?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Distress Tolerance
A crisis is a discrete, short period of extreme distress. This occurs when
your ideas or emotions become so large that they threaten to overpower
you. Perhaps something triggered a traumatic memory, your emotions have
been building all day, and you're too exhausted to control them, or you've
had a disagreement with someone. You can't conceive that the situation can
improve. Therefore you don't feel you will survive.
It is also possible that multiple factors have converged to create a
situation with no immediate remedy, such as receiving unexpected bills
when you have recently spent too much money, run out of food, and have to
pay rent. We refer to a situation as a crisis when the situation becomes
intolerable and cannot be resolved immediately.
Crisis survival skills aim to get us through a crisis or overload without
worsening the situation. When under stress, we frequently feel compelled to
engage in impulsive or dangerous actions that may temporarily alleviate our
distress but ultimately exacerbate it.
These skills are intended to make the time or circumstance more
bearable, so we can return to a state of emotional regulation. However, if
we employ these talents too frequently when we should be solving the
issue, they will lose their effectiveness. During the time that we avoid
addressing the issue, it will likely become worse. Therefore, it is essential to
remember that these are skills to be used in times of crisis, not only when
we feel uneasy.
SKILLS TO SURVIVE A CRISIS
One of the goals of DBT is to reduce behaviors that may have been
beneficial in the past but now hinder our quality of life or prevent us from
going forward. Commonly targeted behaviors include self-harm, addictions,
hazardous sexual activity, overspending, binge and purging, and various
forms of angry outbursts and avoidance.
Priority is given to addressing life-threatening behaviors that impede
our ability to engage in therapy and diminish our quality of life. For
example, people-worrying actions might be categorized as ineffectual if
they occur repeatedly.
The purpose of crisis survival skills is to help us get through
unavoidably unpleasant situations without resorting to these
counterproductive habits, which, while they may make us feel better in the
moment, tend to add additional issues to the mix in the long run.
Distraction Techniques
When emotions threaten to overpower you, you cannot solve the
situation, or you must be able to function despite the intensity. Distraction is
useful. Unfortunately, it is easily misused if it is used to escape feelings. In
a crisis, though, distraction can be incredibly useful in preventing us from
acting on undesirable impulses. It can also buy us much-needed time when
we cannot tackle the problems causing our misery or when we have not yet
been able to do so. The distraction allows us to divert our attention away
from our emotions or concerns.
ACCEPTS - Distracting Yourself with Wise Mind
Here are some categories of activities that can be used to divert one's
attention. The acronym ACCEPTS is a handy method to remember these
seven sets of distracting skills. Distraction can help us function in a prudent
manner, even if we are not currently feeling particularly prudent, by
providing some distance from the distress. It can also occasionally alter the
feel slightly.
Activities—engaging in an activity that demands your concentration can
assist divert your attention from your feelings.
Watch a program
Listen to music
Take a walk
Exercise
Create something
Contributions—helping another person can distract you from your
problems:
Do something nice for someone else
Volunteer or donate to a cause
Send a nice text message
Call a friend and ask how they're doing
Comparisons make you understand that this moment is not permanent:
Compare yourself to someone who has it worse
Watch television programs about other people's issues.
Recall a moment when your emotions were different.
Perform an action that elicits a distinct, intense emotion:
Watch an emotional comedy, horror, or other films
Listen to emotional music
Read an emotional book or old letters
Pushing away—push the emotions away completely for a while:
Imagine putting the situation in a box and placing it on a shelf
Leave the situation for a while, either mentally or physically
Refuse to think about whatever is bothering you, saying no when
thoughts arise
Refuse to dwell on whatever is bothering you, saying no when thoughts
arise.
Put your thoughts on something else for a while:
Count backward and forwards from 98 by 7
Complete a problem
Recite a poem or song
View or read something.
Sensations - engage your body in something else:
Bathe or shower
Exercising
Dancing
Holding ice
Squeezing a ball or wringing a towel
SELF-SOOTHING SKILLS
Another physical ability that aids in controlling the nervous system is
self-soothing. The objective is to activate the calming portion of your
nervous system. As your body conveys safety and calmness to your brain,
this will help your emotions subside. Self-soothing is a form of mindfulness
that focuses on the present moment and extends kindness and compassion
to oneself.
Self-soothing can be utilized in times of distress or crisis. Still, it can
also be used as a daily practice to minimize your vulnerability or future risk
of experiencing intense emotional responses.
Relaxing with the Five Senses
Self-soothing employs the five senses to help us endure discomfort and
reduce our sensitivity. Here are some suggestions for employing the senses
as you consider what might be calming for you.
Vision: gazing at a view of anything beautiful: the starry sky, a loved
one, gorgeous items or places you've been, photos of pets or family
members, a clean space, nature, art/performance.
Hearing: music, nature sounds, the voice of someone who makes you
feel safe or loved, city sounds, singing or instrument playing, rhythmic
sounds, white noise
Smell: nature, flowers, perfume, scented candles, tea, chocolate,
essential oils, coffee, new-car smell, baking, freshly-mown grass, and
nostalgic scents that evoke fond memories.
Taste: Peppermint tea, chocolate, comfort food, something you don't
often consume, carefully appreciating a flavor.
Touch: Cozy blankets or socks, a favorite sweater, fidget toys, a cold or
warm compress, lotion, a bath or shower, weighted blankets, petting your
dog or cat, hugging someone, and non-impulsive physical contact.
SELF-SOOTHING KIT
Create a kit for self-soothing. You are not limited to the goods I
specified; collect two or three items from each category. Be inventive.
Consider items that you already use or that you find comforting. Put the
items in a box, bag, or on a shelf that is conveniently accessible so that you
may access them whenever you need or want to. Utilize your kit frequently.
Make a second portable kit that you may keep in your car or backpack and
bring to school or work.
Here are a few items you might want to include in your self-soothing
kit:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
SOOTHE YOUR SELF
Identify an emotion you're experiencing at the time and rate it on a scale
from 0 to 100. Write it down in your notebook. Choose one item from each
category/sense and use it to be good to yourself. After practicing mindful
self-soothing, reevaluate the emotion. Write it down in your notebook,
along with your reflections on the experience.
SURVIVING A CRISIS BY IMPROVING THE MOMENT
Some times are so excruciating that they are insufferable. Therefore, it
is the optimal course of action if we can change them or address the issue.
However, there are occasions when we cannot alter the circumstance, or we
cannot alter it at this time. Nevertheless, there are ways in which we can
alter the dynamics of the situation to make it more palatable.
"IMPROVE" represents imagery, meaning, prayer, relaxation, one thing
in the present, vacation, and encouragement. These IMPROVE strategies
can help us perceive obstacles and ourselves somewhat differently, making
it easier to endure present discomfort. Some of these methods alter our
perception of ourselves or the circumstance.
Others alter our bodily responses, while others assist us in embracing
the present moment without clinging to it. Although these skills that change
or improve the present moment might be misused, if we use them
intentionally, they can help us cope with challenges until we figure out
alternative solutions.

Imagery
With experience, you can utilize mental images or visualization to
create a different, safer circumstance than the one you are now in. This may
be a safe chamber you've constructed in your discerning mind. It can be
another location you've visited or wish to visit. Imagine building a setting
that is free from destructive or impulsive tendencies. What would you put
there to defend yourself?
Notably, if you want access to this talent in a crisis, you must practice it
frequently when not in a crisis.
Meaning
It is a long-held concept that enduring suffering; can be beneficial to
give the significance of our painful experience. Some individuals discover
this significance through their religious or spiritual beliefs. Others discover
it by assisting others through similar situations. Finally, others may attempt
to focus on what they are learning or how they are becoming stronger or
more resilient due to their difficulties.
Others discover a modest silver lining in an otherwise terrible scenario.
This is not meant to imply that we should enjoy our misery. Instead, this
ability allows you to gently shift your perspective from utter agony to the
possibility that our suffering is not entirely in vain.
Prayer
In this context, prayer resembles radical acceptance, which will be
covered in week 6. Prayer is accepting the present moment, not the one we
wish we were in. It is a matter of requesting and being receptive to strength
to go through the moment. It is not about avoiding the suffering of the
present but rather enduring it, perhaps with the knowledge that we are not
alone.
For some, this is a connection to God; for others, it is a belief in a
greater power that is less clearly defined, the universe or humanity. This
form of belief may or may not be defined. Prayer can take various forms,
and while you remain present, you can experiment with different types of
prayers.
Relaxation
Structured relaxation exercises are not exclusive to calming actions.
Relaxing actions are activities that serve to calm a person. It is easier to
think clearly and make decisions that won't lead us to difficulty when we
are calm. What types of activities help you relax? Possibly by watching a
show, practicing yoga, taking a bath or shower, inhaling deeply, crafting,
listening to a meditation, or drinking hot tea.
One Thing at Present
Returning to the "how" skill taught in week 2, concentrate on
performing one task attentively. This ability requires exercise. When
overwhelmed, it might be challenging to concentrate. However, if you train
yourself to focus on one item at a time, finding space and time to calm your
emotions and thoughts will be much easier. You only have to cope with the
present moment. It may be an unpleasant experience, but you can endure it
by focusing your full attention on just this one moment.
Vacation
Take a brief break from grownup responsibilities. Do anything that
permits you to escape the present suffering. Ensure that your actions will
not have long-term implications. Take a short break ranging from a few
minutes to no more than a day. This competency is not about evading or
evading responsibility. It is a deliberate moment to breathe, refuel, and
replenish your reserves.
This could involve taking a nap, going to the woods, reading a good
book, or turning off your phone. First, utilize this ability on purpose, not by
default. Then, give yourself a short break.
Encouragement
Be your supporter. What do you say when someone you care about is
struggling or doubting themselves? How do you encourage and validate
them? How would you like to be encouraged by others? Do this for your
own sake. For example, give yourself a pep talk when you feel you cannot
handle a problem or that it is hopeless.
This is not about manipulating negative thought into excessively
optimistic thought. Instead, it involves providing yourself with a plausible
boost. Therefore, you may say, "I've got this," instead of "I can't handle it."
And if that doesn't seem plausible, you may begin with "I will try."
IMPROVE MY MOMENTS
Select multiple practice activities from the preceding section. Try one
daily, three times per week, and observe your feelings before, during, and
after each endeavor. Record the emotion and assign it a score out of 100
before and after the activity. Next, record your actions and your impressions
of them. Continue experimenting with each kind of IMPROVE until you
find the ones you prefer.
Then, continue practicing them when you are not in trouble so you can
access them in a time of need. Finally, record your experiences as you
practice so that you may evaluate your development retrospectively. This is
a crucial aspect of learning to manage disasters.
Before:
Rating of Emotion (0 to 100):
IMPROVE Skill:
What I Did:
Rating of Emotion Following (0 to 100):
Experiences/Contemplations:

WHAT IS DISTRESS TOLERANCE?


Everyone suffers stress, such as events that cause anxiety or demand
additional energy reserves to manage. Deadlines, disagreements, and major
life changes can all be stressful. Things can be a little or a great deal
stressful, but we can usually find a way to deal with them.
Stress and distress are distinct. Distress is a condition of being that
occurs when our emotional state overwhelms the reasoning prefrontal
cortex of the brain. Our brains' emotional and cognitive parts balance one
another like a fulcrum. At any one time, one is more active than the other,
but they typically keep each other in check.
However, there are times when the emotional brain becomes so active
that it overwhelms the logical brain. In certain situations, it is impossible to
rationalize our way out of distress. Therefore, we must reduce the feeling or
reset our neural system for it to subside.
A Quick TIP
The TIP skills are intended for use when emotional arousal is
exceptionally high, and the nervous system is overloaded or on high alert.
When your emotions are so intense that you cannot effectively digest
information or figure out what else to do, you should use them.
Temperature, intensive exercise, timed breathing and partnered muscle
relaxation make up the acronym TIP. These strategies engage the
parasympathetic or relaxing portion of the nervous system and assist in
rapidly reducing activation.
Temperature
The T in TIP represents the temperature. This is one of the first skills we
teach clients in DBT because it is readily available and effective. Altering
the body's temperature can reduce the strength of an emotion rapidly. By
holding your breath and immersing your face in ice water for 30 seconds,
you can rapidly reduce your heart rate from the exercise zone to the resting
zone.
This occurs due to the dive response, triggering an automatic
physiological reset of the neurological system.
Note: Keep water above 50°F. Before attempting this procedure, please
see your physician if you have a history of cardiac problems or eating
disorders. Several modifications are provided in the exercises that follow.
Intense Exercise
The I in TIP represents vigorous exercise. If you are emotionally
overloaded and unable to relax, going for a run or indulging in another form
of exercise might be beneficial. Again, the objective is to achieve a heart
rate within the specified range, understanding that it will naturally decrease
after the activity is over.
You can still discover ways to shift or alter your line of sight even if you
have physical constraints that preclude this type of movement or if it is
inadvisable or impossible for your heart to reach the cardio range.
A change of scenery, fresh air, a view of the outside, and any movement
of your limbs or body can go a long way toward reassuring your brain that
you're not confined and that it's safe to switch off your nervous system's
alarm bells. Experiencing physical immobility can unquestionably heighten
our anxiety; any movement and breathing at all can assist in alleviating it.
Paced Respiration
TIP has only one P, although the acronym includes two skills. The first
letter of TIP represents timed breathing. Several breathing exercises
function similarly, such as square breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, and various
yoga breathing techniques. Beginning with slowing your breathing is a
great place to start.
Inhale for four and exhale for six counts. However, you must exhale at
least two counts longer than your inhale. This is because exhalation
stimulates the relaxing portion of the neurological system.
The more you practice timed breathing, the simpler it will be to utilize
whenever and wherever you choose. In addition, it is a useful talent in
public settings because it may be performed undetected.
Paired Muscle Relaxation
The second P in the acronym TIP represents paired muscular relaxation.
There are recordings of this practice available online and in mindfulness
applications. You can also do it independently. First, find a comfortable spot
to sit or lie down, then begin with your head or toes. Then, one pair of body
parts at a time, contract the muscles for a few seconds before releasing them
and going on to the next muscle group. This is a highly efficient method for
relaxing the body, which signals the brain that it is OK to calm down.
A COLD-WATER DIVE
Fill a basin or sink with ice water, hold your breath for 30 seconds, then
immerse your face in the water. If necessary, take a breath at the 15-second
mark.
Check your heart rate before and after physical activity. How do you
feel?
If you cannot perform this cold-water TIP in its entirety, you might
attempt another variation. For example, splash cold water on your face or
wrists, hold an ice cube, consume something really cold, apply an ice pack
to your face, take a cold shower, or jump into a lake or pool. These options
may not be as effective, but they can still assist in calming your system.
WITH STOP
Throughout DBT, Linehan emphasizes that our emotions are
accompanied by impulses to act. For example, we desire to flee when we
feel fear. We want to attack when we're enraged. When we love, we desire
to hug. Sometimes it makes sense to act on these urges, such as when there
is an imminent threat; in such a situation, it makes sense to flee or avoid the
cause of our anxiety.
However, when we are experiencing anxiety or overpowering emotions,
our impulses to act are frequently impulsive inclinations that will bring us
into trouble or exacerbate the problem. Learning to slow down and respond
judiciously, instead of reacting, can help us deal with the current issue
rather than adding to it by rash attempts to flee or avoid it. It may also entail
less damage to our sense of self-worth. We can gain time and control by
slowing down and acting with discretion.
Linehan recognized the efficacy of purchasing time and developed the
STOP skill as one of the first ways to halt the momentum of a crisis.
Stop
When you feel like you will lose control, stop yourself. Freeze in place.
Physically stop yourself in your tracks and not move.
In this technique, you can combine mental practice with a physical
component to assist your brain in developing a new connection: that the act
of freezing prevents you from acting on a strong impulse to be harmful. The
new connection you are forming is that there are alternatives to your old,
ingrained behaviors.
You can use these tactics to buy yourself some time before taking
action.
Take a Step Back
Take a giant step backward. During initial skill acquisition, if possible,
perform the task physically. In the future, it can be a mental setback. You
interrupt any momentum you may have been building toward this impulsive
behavior by directing your brain to do the opposite or slow down.
This provides both actual and symbolic distance from the incident and
time to reflect. Deepen your breathing till the urge or your overwhelming
feelings begin to subside.
Observe
Observe the external and internal circumstances. Consider your
thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Observe how other people are
acting or reacting and how they are participating in your experience. Collect
the relevant information and determine your course of action. Utilize
awareness to collect information without bias.
Mindfulness is not a different ability from the others; it is the basis for
all of them. Observing brings the attention and focus of mindfulness into
the moment of crisis. It enables us to gain insight into what is occurring
rather than getting swept away by our cravings and emotions.
Proceed Mindfully
Perform with intent. Determine your objective, then take the necessary
steps to achieve it. Consider what will make things better in the long run,
not just what will make you feel better in the short term. For example, use
the same body part to perform something different if a certain activity
frequently gets you into trouble.
Count your teeth with your tongue, for instance, if your mouth gets you
in trouble by yelling. These tactics may appear absurd, but they are highly
effective in disrupting ingrained habits and generating new opportunities.
These strategies provide additional time and teach your brain new ways
to function. As noted previously, the physical component helps to solidify
these new relationships. Once the talent has been honed through practice, it
will become an internalized procedure.
STOP EXERCISE
S: Imagine a situation in which you typically engage in impulsive
conduct occurring at this very now. Consider the feeling it evokes and
discover the impulse to act impulsively. As you experience the emotion and
impulse, march in place and then freeze. Continue to consider how
distressed you are, but do not move a muscle.
T: Take a step backward when you feel the temptation to yell or run.
Remove yourself from the circumstance.
O: Look about you. Observe what is occurring around you. Does the
scenario still exist? What is occurring within your body? Do your ideas
move quickly? Accelerated heart rate and breathing? Are your fists
clenched? Try to observe the facts and avoid making assumptions.
P: Based on your observations, consider what is conceivable in the
present. For example, can this issue be resolved immediately? Or is it
preferable to delay?
Can you do anything to make it more bearable? For example, would it
be preferable to leave, get some sleep, and return in the morning? How can
you care for yourself today so that you won't regret impulsive actions in the
future?
In your notepad, record your experiences for each letter. You can do this
for several other circumstances in which you have acted rashly in the past.
The objective is not to make you feel awful about the past but to help you
develop more effective coping strategies for the future.
KEEP STOPPING
At least three times this week, practice the STOP technique when
experiencing heightened emotions. Practicing in scenarios that are not quite
crisis-level will increase the likelihood that you will recall the skill in a
crisis.
USING DOUBLE PROS AND CONS
Creating a list of pros and disadvantages is frequently a useful decision-
making tool. Even more useful is what is known as a double pros and
drawbacks list. To accomplish this, you will list the pros and disadvantages
of acting on an impulse, followed by the pros and cons of resisting it. It may
appear monotonous, but you'll be amazed by what arises and how
meaningful the little distinctions can be.
Consider the following example. Say that when you feel overwhelmed,
you drink until you no longer feel pressured. A double list of pros and
negatives can appear as follows:
Action
PROS
CONS
Acting on the urge (Drinking)
Feel better quickly
Feel good briefly
Not having to think about stress
Not have to solve the problem
Not have to feel
The problem is still not solved
Cost
Hangover
Shame/Guilt
Relapse
Support system worried, disappointed
Not Acting on the Urge
No guilt
No money spent
The support system is not worried
Can deal with the problem
Learning not to avoid
Can use other skills
I feel good about myself
No hangover or relapse
Have to stay with the emotions
Can't avoid
It's hard to do
Not a quick solution
This is a skill that is frequently unavailable during a crisis. Therefore, I
recommend writing a list when you are not in a crisis and keeping it handy
so that you can refer to it when you are in a crisis to remind yourself of your
rationality. To perform correctly in a crisis, it can be crucial to recall
instances in which you were skilled or thought clearly and with assurance.
Additionally, it can remind you that this time is not forever.
Identify a troublesome behavior you attempt to alter and complete the
list. Once you've created your list, return to it and star (*), circle, or
otherwise highlight the items that seem to carry more weight than others. It
may not be the category with the most items mentioned that wins;
determine which factors are most essential to you to make a decision.
OceanofPDF.com
Part II: Applying the 7-Day Routine to
Day-to-Day issues
Social Media
Technology-based communication and social media have become
integral to interpersonal communication and relationships. Emails, text
messages, Facebook, Twitter, and many other communication methods are
here to stay and will continue to grow in popularity. These modes of
communication, like any tool, are neither good nor bad in and of
themselves; however, their usage (or misuse) has the potential to either
strengthen or weaken relationships.
Communication is significantly more complex than spoken or written
words. Up to 70% of communication, including facial expressions, gestures,
and other body languages, is nonverbal, according to research. In addition,
differences in rate, tone, pitch, loudness, and speaking styles influence the
communication of spoken words. Because so much of what is transmitted
extends beyond words, technology-based communication and social media
users must examine what may be missed compared to in-person
conversation. One should, therefore, proceed with prudence and read.
This module provides advice for encouraging the ethical use of
communication technologies and social media so that they can be an asset,
rather than a liability, in fostering meaningful connections.
MEDIA
Concepts and rules of thumb will go a long way toward facilitating the
successful use of technological communication and social media.
Use the acronym MEDIA (Moments may live on, Everyone might see
the communication, Do not send or post in an emotional state of mind,
Imagine possible outcomes, Add to communications and the social
network) to recall the components of this skill. These basic blocks are
detailed in greater detail in the following paragraphs.
Moments may live on
With face-to-face conversation, careless words disintegrate into quiet
and disappear. Although spoken words can be recalled and have lasting
impacts, they cannot be sent to a wider and larger audience repeatedly.
Additionally, once a message is sent, it is likely to be saved somewhere so
that it may be located again. Consider the long-term consequences when
sending or uploading remarks or images.
Everyone might see the communication.
Technology-based communications should never be private, as some are
for public consumption. Do you want your acquaintances, neighbors, and
coworkers to get the message? What about your parents, teachers, boss, and
religious leader? Consider that individuals you would want not to receive
your communication could do so well.
Do not send or post in an emotional state of mind (or under the
influence of substances)
Intense emotions and substances distort communication, and what
appears to be a wonderful idea at the moment may not be when you are in
Wise Mind. Therefore, postpone the discussion if you feel intense,
disinhibited, or impetuous.
Imagine possible outcomes
Thoughts and opinions do not need to be spoken, especially on the spur
of the moment. Could anybody be injured? Could you be embarrassed or
suffer punishment in the future? Consider your communications and actions
thoroughly.
Add to communications and the social network.
Technology-based communications and social media can be
entertaining, enlightening, thought-provoking, supportive, and community-
building tools. Be a custodian of the most advantageous options for these
changing modes of connection and communication.
Consider whether your communication is courteous and thoughtful and
whether it contributes to a dialogue.
• Does it represent my values?
• Does it adhere to facts and what I can demonstrate?
• Am I developing community and relationships?

Other Suggestions
Consider the following guidelines in addition to adhering to the MEDIA
acronym:
Do not distribute the personal information or photographs of others
(especially if they are unpleasant or too personal or intimate) without their
authorization. Of course, others may not wish for their information to be
public, and we all have different limits. When in doubt, err on the side of
caution or acquire the other party's permission.
Similarly, be mindful of confidentiality concerns when engaging online
with someone you know through treatment services.
Share important announcements in person or by phone first. Before
posting to a public forum, life events like engagements, pregnancies or the
birth of a child, work advancements, and the like should be shared with the
most significant individuals in your life.
Exercise caution when oversharing, venting, or communicating in other
ways that may be regretted in the future. Consider how your messages may
be misinterpreted. Before sending, read your writing aloud (and sometimes
pause).
Numerous social media platforms, such as Facebook, have set standards
for polite use, and certain user communities have established social norms
for participating in those communities. Spend some time on the internet and
read up on the responsible usage of these platforms.
Sadly, some individuals will not stick to respectful behavior and will
utilize technology-based communication and social media to harm others
from a distance. Suppose you have been the target of hurtful or untrue
statements from others or have been bullied over social media. In that case,
the embarrassment, humiliation, anger, and other painful emotions you
experience are real. Bullying can seriously affect your emotional health and
functioning at home, with others, at school or work, and in other areas. You
may also feel exceedingly vulnerable and isolated.
You are fortunate not to be alone. If you are the object of harassment or
bullying, seek the support and assistance of your friends, family, therapist,
or another professional. In addition, some of these problems may
necessitate the involvement of your school, workplace, or even the police.
Instead of responding or forwarding the statements, maintain a record and
consult with others. There is more information available at
www.stopbullying.gov. Although this site is primarily designed for
adolescents, the information on bullying and cyberbullying applies to
people of all ages.
One final, vital note. Consider putting down your mobile device when
you are with others or engaging in any other action (e.g., eating, strolling,
attending an event) to be One-Minded and present with people and
activities. Do not allow tech-based communication, social media, or other
online use of your mobile device or computer to detract from opportunities
to interact, serve as a substitute for face-to-face conversation, or be a tool to
avoid relationships or otherwise be present.

Day 1: Mindfulness
Activity 1: OBSERVING AN OBJECT
Select an item from your immediate surroundings. Observe its shape,
color, size, luster, and shadow-casting ability, and notice its feel and weight
as you pick it up. Observe only physical attributes. Recognize your
distraction if you evaluate the object, assign it meaning, or attempt to
describe it. Do not condemn yourself; instead, refocus your attention on
what you can perceive with your senses.
Observe various objects, such as a leaf, a rock, and a candle flame. After
watching many items, you can observe various sensations/experiences,
including touch, smell, taste, muscle tension, hunger, respiration, and the
way your feet strike the ground when you walk. You can then proceed to
observe your thoughts and emotions. Just take note.
Describe
After observing, one can then describe. Our natural impulse is to
describe what we've observed or noticed. When explaining consciously, we
provide words to something we can personally sense. Note that you cannot
witness another person's emotions, thoughts, or experiences, even if you
believe you can be based on their facial expression, words, or behavior. You
cannot observe the inner workings of another individual.
Describing helps us distinguish between what we are sensing (seeing,
hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, or feeling) and our thoughts or
interpretations of what we are sensing. Instead of the events, these
interpretations are mostly responsible for most of our emotional distress
surrounding them.
Describing helps us see the difference. For instance, "My child is
wearing mismatched clothes" is a far more neutral statement than "If my
child wears that to school, they may be ridiculed, and people may assume
I'm a bad parent."
Describe the situation.
—"My child is wearing mismatched attire, and I'm noting that I'm
concerned about that"—can help us understand what we're responding to.
Write your description in your Journal Notebook.
Activity 2: DO WHAT WORKS
Consider when you felt like digging in your heels or defending your
position. Consider what that felt like. Did emphasizing your rightness assist
you in achieving your objective, or did it hinder you? Is there anything you
might have done differently to achieve your objective? Record your
observations in a journal or the supplied space.
Situation:
a. Your "correct" perspective:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
b. What you could have done to be more efficient:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 3: CREATING PHYSICAL SPACE


How and where would you like to schedule time for a dedicated
practice? I would suggest beginning with five minutes a day, several days a
week, in a spot where you may sit as comfortably and undisturbed as
possible.
"When I initially began meditating, I would lie in bed with my eyes
closed and concentrate on my breathing for a few minutes."
"Once my children have boarded the school bus, I remove their
breakfast from the table so I may eat and drink my breakfast and tea
calmly."
What could potentially work? Regarding where and how you can be
inventive. Simply strive for consistency.
Jot down a few options here or in your notebook:

Activity 4: FINDING MENTAL SPACE


What is the meaning of creating mental space?
One of the benefits of acquiring mindfulness is the ability to see that
there is space between breaths, steps, sounds, thoughts, and, perhaps most
importantly, between stimuli and action. It can feel as though our thoughts,
emotions, and impulses are unrelenting, but we can learn to locate the space
between them. Also, we can learn to locate the space between our impulses
and our acts, allowing us to choose our responses and reactions.
This practice pushes you to seek the pause or space between your ideas.
Establish a thoughtful posture with your eyes closed or concentrated on
a point in front of you. Take a few deep breaths and bring your focus to the
present moment. Next, observe your thoughts and categorize them as
planned thoughts, worry thoughts, past thoughts, future thoughts, judgment
thoughts, etc.
Imagine you are observing a river running quietly. Small boats pass one
after another. On each boat, mark a distinct genre of an idea. Observe these
thinking boats drift down the river. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon,
consider what it is like to examine your thoughts. Examine the gap between
the boats or thoughts and see whether it might be widened.

Activity 5: FIVE SENSES EXERCISE


When you are anxious or tense, grounding is a terrific technique to send
a calming message to your brain by directing your attention to the location
and moment you are now in. There are numerous ways to get grounded.
When you practice these tactics when you're calm, they will be more
accessible when you're not.
Start with this 5-4-3-2-1 exercise.
Identify and record the following items in your notebook. You can
perform this practice mentally and on the go whenever you feel stressed or
need help centering yourself in the present.
Five things that can be seen
four that can be touched
three that can be heard
two that can be smelled
one that can be tasted

Activity 6: Focus on a Single Minute


This is the first activity that will assist you in focusing more intently on
the present. It's a simple action with a remarkable impact. Its objective is to
assist you in developing a greater awareness of your sense of time. A watch
with a second hand or, preferably, a stopwatch is required for this activity.
Many people have the impression that time passes swiftly. As a result,
they are always in a hurry to get things done and are always concerned
about the next thing they must do or the next thing that could go wrong.
Sadly, this only makes them more oblivious to their present actions. Others
feel as though time is passing very slowly. As a result, individuals
frequently run late despite believing they have more time than they do. This
easy practice will assist you in becoming more conscious of how fast or
slowly time passes.
Instructions
To begin, choose a comfortable area to sit in a room where you won't be
bothered for a few minutes and turn off any distracting sounds. Then, use
your watch or stopwatch to begin timing yourself.
Then, sit wherever you are without counting the seconds or checking
the time. If you believe one minute has elapsed, check the clock or stop the
timer. Then, consider the length of time that has passed.
Did you permit less than one minute to pass? If so, how long was it? A
few seconds, 20 seconds, or 40 seconds? Consider how this impacts you if
it wasn't a whole minute.
Because you believe you have insufficient time, are you frequently
hurried? If so, what does the outcome of this activity imply for you?
Or have you waited more than a minute? If so, for how long? One and a
half minutes, two minutes? Consider the implications if this is the case. For
example, you frequently arrive late for appointments because you believe
you have more time than you do. If so, what does the outcome of this
activity imply for you?
Regardless of your results, one of the goals of acquiring mindfulness
skills is to help you cultivate a more accurate awareness of all your
moment-to-moment experiences, including your sense of time. After a few
weeks of practicing mindfulness, you may return to this exercise to
determine whether your sense of time has altered.

Activity 7: Band of Light


This exercise will help you pay closer attention to the present. In
addition, it will assist you in becoming more aware of your physical
experiences. Before commencing the activity, read the instructions to
familiarize yourself with the procedure. Then, you can either keep these
instructions nearby if you need to refer to them throughout the exercise, or
record them in a slow, even voice on an audio recording device and play
them while watching the feelings in your body.
As with the other exercises in this chapter, you will likely lose attention
during this exercise. That's OK. When you become aware that your
attention has wandered, gently return it to the exercise and try not to
condemn or judge yourself.
Instructions
Find a comfy seat in a room where you won't be interrupted for ten
minutes to begin. Mute all distracting sounds. Close your eyes after taking
several slow, deep breaths. Imagine a thin band of white light, resembling a
halo, circling your head. As this practice develops, the ring of light will
glide slowly down your body, and as it does, you will become aware of the
many bodily sensations you are experiencing beneath it.
As you breathe with your eyes closed, continue to envision the band of
white light around the top of your head and become aware of any physical
feelings in that region of your body. Perhaps you will experience tingling or
itching on your scalp. Whatever sensations you have are OK.
• Gradually, the light ring begins to descend around your head, passing
over the tops of your ears, eyes, and nose. As it occurs, become aware of
any feelings, even minor ones, that you sense.
• Become aware of any muscle tightness on the crown of your head.
• As the light strip drops slowly over your nose, mouth, and chin,
maintain your concentration on any physical sensations you may be
experiencing.
• Pay close attention to the back of your head, which may be
experiencing feelings.
• Become aware of any sensations in your mouth, tongue, or teeth.
• Observe as the band of light descends around your neck and note any
sensations in your throat or muscle tightness on the back of your neck.
• The band begins to slide down your torso and across the width of your
shoulders as it widens.
• Take note of any sensations, muscle tension, or tingling in your
shoulders, upper back, upper arms, and upper chest.
• As the light band continues to descend around your arms, observe any
sensations in your upper arms, elbows, forearms, wrists, hands, and fingers.
Be conscious of any tingling, itching, or tension you may be experiencing
in these areas.
• Become conscious of your chest, middle back, side torso, lower back,
and abdomen. Again, observe any tightness or sensations, regardless of their
size.
• Be conscious of feelings in your pelvic region, buttocks, and upper
legs as the band continues to descend your lower body.
• Pay close attention to the backs of your legs and note any sensations.
• Continue to observe the light band descending around your lower
thighs, calves, shins, feet, and toes. Become aware of any emotions or stress
you are experiencing.
Then, as the light band disappears after completing its drop, take a few
more calm, deep breaths, and when you feel comfortable, carefully refocus
your attention on the room and open your eyes.

Activity 8: Inner-Outer Experience


The next step is to blend the experiences of being conscious of an
external object and your internal physical sensations. This is the first
exercise to educate you to identify and concentrate on your thoughts,
emotions, and bodily sensations. This will be accomplished by training you
to change your attention between what you are feeling internal, such as your
physical sensations and thoughts, and what you are experiencing outside,
such as what you observe with your eyes, ears, nose, and sense of touch.
Before commencing the practice, acquaint yourself with the experience
by reading the instructions. Then, you can either keep these instructions
nearby if you need to refer to them during the exercise, or record them in a
slow, even voice on an audio-recording device so you can listen to them as
you practice shifting your attention between your internal and exterior
awareness.
Instructions
Find a comfy seat in a room where you won't be interrupted for ten
minutes to begin. Mute all distracting sounds. Take several slow, deep
breaths and unwind. Keeping your eyes open, fixate your attention on a
nearby item. Observe the object's appearance. Observe its form and color.
Imagine how this object would feel if you could hold it in your hands.
Consider how much the object must weigh. While remaining silent,
describe the object to yourself in as much detail as possible. Spend a minute
doing this.
Keep your breath. If your attention begins to wander, simply return it to
the activity without self-criticism.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
When describing the object, shift your attention back to your body.
Become aware of any physical sensations you may be experiencing. From
your head to your feet, examine your body. Become conscious of any
muscle tension, tingling, or other sensations you are aware of. Take a
minute and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
Now, shift your focus to your hearing sense. Take note of any sounds
you can hear. First, identify the sounds you hear outside your room and note
them. Now, take note of any sounds you hear from within the room and
determine what they are. Try to hear even the smallest sounds, such as a
clock ticking, the wind blowing, or your heart pounding. If you become
sidetracked by your thoughts, redirect your attention to your hearing. Take a
minute for this, and continue to breathe.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
When you have completed listening to the sounds you can hear, shift
your attention to your body. Observe any bodily sensations once more. For
example, consider the weight of your body as it rests in the chair. And
observe the pressure of your feet against the floor. Observe the weight of
your head as it rests on your neck. Consider how your body feels in general.
If your thoughts distract you, observe them and redirect your attention as
much as possible to your bodily feelings. Take a minute and continue to
breathe slowly and deeply.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
Again, please divert your attention. This time, pay special attention to
your sense of smell. Observe any odors in the room, whether pleasant or
unpleasant. If you don't detect any odors, focus on the airflow entering your
nostrils as you inhale through your nose. Make every effort to retain your
concentration on your sense of smell. If you become sidetracked by any
notion, bring your attention back to your nose.
Take a minute for this, and continue to breathe.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
When you're done using your sense of smell, shift your attention back to
your physical experiences. Notice any sensations you may be experiencing.
Again, examine your body from head to toe and become aware of any
muscle tension, tingling, or other physical sensations. If your thoughts
distract you, make an effort to refocus on your bodily sensations. Take a
minute and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
Now, finally, you should focus on your sense of touch. Use one of your
hands to stretch out and touch an object within reach. Alternatively, touch
the chair you are seated in or your leg if nothing is within reach. Consider
the object's texture. Observe whether it is smooth or rough. Observe
whether it is flexible or unyielding.
Observe whether it is mushy or solid. Observe how the sensations feel
on your fingertips. If your thoughts get distracting, simply refocus your
attention on the object you are touching. Take a minute and continue to
breathe slowly and deeply.
[This is a one-minute pause if you are recording the instructions.]
Take three to five slow, deep breaths, then return your attention to the
room.

Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness


Activity 1: MINDFUL ATTENTION
Relationships demand attentiveness. Maintaining a successful
relationship with a partner, friend, coworker, or carpool companion requires
observing the other person's emotions and reactions and then observing the
interaction between you. Using the mindfulness techniques gained in
chapters 3 through 5, you can monitor facial expression, body language,
tone of voice, and word choice throughout a discussion to determine the
relationship's mood and state.
Paying attention entails remaining in the present moment without
dwelling on plans or past events. It involves maintaining emotional
awareness of what you see, hear, and feel. Similarly to how you can
breathe, walk, and even clean the dishes deliberately, you can relate to the
current moment with complete awareness. When you pay attention, you
recognize impending trouble — before it overwhelms you — and also have
time to ask clarifying questions that can assist you in resolving
misunderstandings.
Not paying attention, or ignoring the present moment between you and
others, is costly. You will ultimately perform one or more of the following:
• Missing key cues regarding the needs and emotions of others
• Inaccurately projecting your concerns and emotions onto the other
• Exploding or fleeing when "surprised" by a poor response you may
have anticipated.
Additionally, mindful attention involves observing one's experience in
connection to others. Do you require something from the other person (such
as additional attention or assistance)? Do you need to alter the way you
interact with one another (e.g., critical remarks, requests, intrusive
questions)? Do you experience emotions that indicate something significant
about the situation (pain, sadness, loss, embarrassment, anxiety)? Taking
note of your emotions can help you determine what needs to be altered in a
relationship—before you explode or run away.
In conclusion, the first interpersonal skill you must learn is conscious
attention, enabling you to decipher crucial connection cues.
Exercise:
Observe the other person's physical and verbal actions in your next
conversation, and try being an observer of the present. Ask for clarification
if anything is unclear or difficult to understand. Here are several examples:
• What is your mood? Are you doing OK?
• What's our status? Are we OK?
• How is our relationship doing?
• I observe; is that the case?
• Are you in good spirits? And you?
Consider your wants and emotions in the context of the conversation; do
any of them demand communication? How could you say it such that the
bond is preserved?
During dinner, Bill observed that his girlfriend, Gina, was avoiding his
gaze. When he asked, "How are things between us?" she told him that she
was devastated by not being invited to his office solstice party. This allowed
him to explain that he despised company events and would be there for a
few minutes.

Activity 2: PASSIVE VERSUS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR


These tendencies significantly impact your relationships. Sometimes,
being passive appears to be the safer option. You conform to the other
person's expectations. Long-term, however, passivity is the path to
interpersonal catastrophe. When you give in to others' demands and ignore
your own, irritation and resentment build up within you. Eventually, the
relationship gets so traumatic that you either explode, sink into sadness, or
flee. In the near term, the paradox of passivity is that giving in appears to
protect the connection. Long-term, though, the connection takes on a form
you cannot tolerate, and you must end it to alleviate the suffering.
In contrast, aggressive behaviors undermine relationships because they
alienate others. The origins of an aggressive interpersonal approach are
twofold. The first is a firm understanding of how things should be.
Specifically, you are intensely aware of how others should conduct
themselves. You have a firm understanding of the proper and improper
responses to each situation. When people violate your sense of what is
appropriate or right, you may feel compelled to punish them severely.
The second cause of violence is the desire to control interpersonal
situations. Things must go in a particular manner, and you anticipate
specific results to occur or not occur. You become enraged when the other
person breaches your sense of what is proper or fails to meet your
expectations.
You exert additional force to control the situation. Occasionally, you
may feel so determined that you erupt, causing others to flee.
Both passivity and violence are relationship-destructive. Moreover,
these tendencies are extremely hurtful to you and the people you care about.
The assertiveness techniques you will learn in the following chapter
represent a medium ground. They will give you the tools to seek your
relationship needs, establish boundaries, and resolve disagreements without
anger or coercive control.
Exercise: Determine Your Personality
Consider recent interactions with your five most important
relationships. Place an 'x' mark next to the statements that best describe
your behavior:
_ Even if I disagree with something; I go along with it.
_ I encourage individuals to do the right thing, regardless of the
consequences.
_ I try to be friendly and easygoing regardless of what others do or say.
_ When appropriate, I speak my views to those who deserve it.
_ I constantly try to consider others' needs and feelings, even if it means
sacrificing my own.
_ I know what I want and insist on getting it, even if it means being
furious.
_ When a quarrel arises, I yield and allow the other person to have their
way.
_ When people do not behave properly or reasonably, I do not allow
them to get away with it.
_ I'd rather withdraw from a relationship than say something that could
be upsetting.
_ You cannot allow people to continue acting selfishly or foolishly; you
must shake them until they realize what they're doing.
_ I leave individuals alone and allow them to be who they are.
_ If people disregard my demands or insist on things that don't work for
me, I become increasingly irritated until they pay attention.
_ If you tend to check odd numbers, you have a passive problem-
solving style; if you check even numbers, you may have an aggressive
problem-solving approach.

Activity 3: "I WANT–I SHOULD" RATIO


Every relationship needs to maintain a delicate equilibrium between
doing what you want and what you believe you should do (for the good of
the relationship or the other person). If you are preoccupied with gaining
and doing what you want while paying little attention to what must be done
for others, you will quickly earn anger. On the other hand, if you place too
much emphasis on "shoulds" — how you should behave and what you
should do for the other person — the relationship will feel like a joyless
weight, and you will fantasize about leaving.
For many, "shoulds" can become an oppressive dictatorship that forces
them to disregard essential needs. They are so preoccupied with being kind
and kind that they are oblivious to their depression and desperation.
Eventually, the pain of denying yourself becomes intolerable, and you are
forced to flee or end the relationship.
Exercise: The "Shoulds"
Place an 'x' mark next to the items that best describe your ideas and
emotions:
_ Even if it means sacrificing your own needs, you should strive to
fulfill all of your partner's requests in a relationship.
_ When someone is in agony, you should do everything necessary to
assist them.
_ You should always be caring and considerate.
_ You should not request something if you know the other person is
unwilling to provide it.
_ There is a proper manner to interact with others, which must be
followed even if it means keeping your sentiments and desires to yourself.
_ It is courteous to decline requests from others.
_ It is improper to communicate feelings that could upset another
person.
_ You should attend to the needs of others since their needs are of the
utmost importance.
_ Never harm or offend another person.
_ You should attempt to avoid disappointing others.
The more items you select, the stronger your opinions about the
appropriate and inappropriate ways to interact with people and the more
likely you are to deny your relationship needs. There is nothing wrong with
having principles about how to treat others, but if these values override your
capacity to ask for what you want, you will feel powerless in any
connection.

Activity 4: KEY INTERPERSONAL SKILLS


Six fundamental interpersonal abilities will alter the nature of your
relationships:
• Being aware of your goals. How do you determine your relationship
goals?
In such instances, you experience a yearning. Or you are conscious of
discomfort. The goal is to pay attention and seek a way to articulate what
you're feeling in your head.
• Requesting what you desire in a manner that preserves the
relationship.
You will learn an efficient method and format in the following chapter.
But for the time being, the primary concept is to state your needs in clear,
non-aggressive language and request a specific behavioral change.
• Negotiating competing desires.
The readiness to compromise begins with a pledge that there will be no
victors and losers. It presupposes that each individual's requirements are
genuine and understood and relies on a willingness to compromise so that
each person receives a portion of what they want. The following chapter
presents a simple negotiation technique for competing needs.
• Acquiring information
One of the most important interpersonal skills is finding out what the
other person needs, fears, hopes, etc. When you (1) falsely assume you
know what the other person wants; (2) project your fears, needs, and
feelings onto the other person; (3) fear appearing nosy; (4) fear hearing the
worst possible response; and (5) don't know how to ask or what to look for,
you will encounter the most difficulty obtaining information. The following
chapter will provide you with crucial information-gathering strategies.
• Saying no while preserving the relationship.
You can express refusal in three ways: (3) authoritatively validate the
other person's wants and desires while establishing clear limits on what you
will and will not do. Unfortunately, the first two tactics are detrimental to
relationships because they lead to feelings of control and resentment. The
next chapter will describe how to apply the third strategy.
• Behaving by your values.
Being passive or aggressive in a relationship decreases both your self-
respect and the self-respect of others when someone's needs and feelings are
disregarded. Clarity regarding how you intend to treat people is a
prerequisite for interpersonal competence. Ask yourself, "What kind of
relationships do I wish to have with others?"
Do you desire an affectionate, dependable, or devoted relationship?
Using the tools and tasks in this workbook, you have perhaps begun to
consider how you value your relationships. Acting according to your
relationships' values is another key phase that will shape the overall nature
of your partnerships. Do not be surprised by the failure of worthless
relationships. Instead, establish positive aims and values for each
relationship, and act on what you hope to accomplish.
Exercise: Identify Your Interpersonal Values.
List here any of your interpersonal behaviors that impair your self-
respect. Include everything that causes you or another person emotional
harm. Include sins of omission or things you should have done but didn't.
Example: "I get angry if someone criticizes me."
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
In the following section, please list your values regarding how
individuals should be treated. These are the fundamental principles
regarding the rights you and others have in a partnership.
Example: I need to know that someone I care about is in pain.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Compare the two lists and determine if you are employing interpersonal
methods that contradict your values. Which key values do you most
commonly disregard?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
In what ways do your relationships suffer when you disobey your
values?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 5: MAKING A SIMPLE REQUEST


Taking care of oneself requires the ability to make requests. These
requests are about self-protection and quality of life: asking for directions,
requesting to switch tables at a restaurant, ask your technician to show you
the parts he replaced on your automobile, and asking someone not to smoke
in your home. You may feel helpless or resentful if you have difficulty
making such demands.
A simple request consists of four components:
A short explanation (optional). In one sentence, describe the problem.
"It's hot inside... These purses are weighty... It is a lengthy journey... These
appear to be a bit snug." In instances where reasoning is required, keep
things simple.
A softening statement. This is essential since it establishes you as a
reasonable, kind, and undemanding individual. Typically, softening remarks
begin with this phrase.
"Would it be okay if..."
"It would be advantageous if you could..."
"I'd be grateful if you could..."
(With a grin) "Could I have..."
"Hi, I was wondering if …."
Observe that these introductions are disarming. They are much less
likely to find resistance than demand with a hard edge.
A direct, specific question. You express your desires with clarity and
precision. Leave any emotion or charge out of your voice. Instead, say what
you want in a straightforward manner. Do not accuse or indicate that the
other person has a problem. Instead, present your request as something
common and reasonable that anyone would be pleased to accommodate. If
possible, limit the query to one line; the more you detail and clarify, the
more opposition you're likely to encounter.
An appreciative statement. This promotes the other person's behavior of
agreeing to your request. In addition, it gives them the impression that you
appreciate their efforts. Here are several examples:
"This will be quite helpful to me."
"We appreciate your efforts with this."
"This will have a significant impact."
"This is valued."
When the components are combined, simple requests can seem like
follows:
In a restaurant: "It's a very sunny day. Could you just reduce the shade a
bit?
Thank you very much."
In a crowded metro car: "It's a tad crowded here. Please remove your
briefcase from this seat to create room. I greatly value your assistance."
Driving with a friend: "I'm apprehensive about driving so closely,
particularly at this speed.
Could you allow more space between us and the automobile in front of
us? Thank you for granting me this request."
Exercise: Requesting Something
If you occasionally find it difficult to make requests, you can practice in
a variety of typical scenarios.
Try some of the following:
• On the street: asking for the time, directions, where a specific article of
clothing was purchased, and for change.
• In stores: requesting to study products, for information (such as a
return policy), to view something less expensive or in a different color, for
purchasing advice (such as "Do these colors go together? "), and for change.
• At work: requesting information, assistance, an extension on a
deadline, a minute of someone's time, or an opinion.
• At home: requesting a schedule modification, assistance, time together,
or assistance in altering the environment ("Would you mind if we moved
this chair to the kitchen?").
• With family and friends: requesting a favor, time, a ride, or begging
someone to stop doing something obnoxious.
• With a teacher or therapist: requesting information, assistance with an
issue, and guidance.
Choose one of the above alternatives (or create your own) to practice
each day if you intend to improve this ability. Then, identify the following
day's task at breakfast or before bed.
Determine the time and environment in which you will practice. Create
a reminder on your calendar by writing it down. Then proceed.

Activity 6: ASSERTIVE LISTENING


Everyone is aware that effective communication is bidirectional.
However, many may not realize that listening is an active rather than
passive process. To fully comprehend what the other person thinks and feels
about the situation, as well as what they want to do to fix it, needs total
dedication. In other words, you'll also need to listen for and elicit with
inquiries the same three things you're learning to convey assertively.
Ask a direct question if you are confused about the other person's
emotions or desires while listening.
"I'm uncertain how you feel about that; could you elaborate?"
"What do you believe we should try to alter in this circumstance?"
You will be more equipped to identify solutions and compromises that
satisfy the demands of both parties if you ask more diligent inquiries.
Important questions to ask others include:
• "What is the essential issue, according to your understanding?"
• "How do you interpret the circumstance? What do you believe is
occurring?"
• "How do you feel when you're struggling with (identify the
problem)?"
• "What do you feel compelled to do when confronting (name the
problem)?"
• "What do you believe must change?"
• "What can I do to be of assistance?"
For instance, Ron saw that a coworker was annoyed by the new order-
processing system he had just implemented. When Ron inquired, "What do
you believe needs to change?" he received many insightful responses, and
the entire emotional climate shifted. The value of assertive listening cannot
be overstated, but remember that just because you discovered what
someone needs does not imply you must provide it.
Obstacles to Hearing
Here are eight ways individuals undermine their listening skills (derived
from McKay et al., 1983). Place a checkmark next to the listening blocks
you are now employing. But do not condemn yourself; everyone engages in
this behavior.
Assuming you know what another person is feeling and thinking
without asking.
Rehearsing is planning what you will say next while missing what is
now being said.
Filtering is the practice of listening to only those things that are
significant or relevant to you and disregarding the rest (even if they are
important to the other person).
Judging: evaluating the other person and what they say rather than
attempting to comprehend their worldview.
Daydreaming is becoming caught up in recollections or imaginations
during a conversation.
Advisory: searching for advice and solutions rather than listening and
comprehending
You are invalidating the other party by argument and debate.
Being right entails resisting or disregarding any communication that
implies you are incorrect or should alter your behavior.
Changing the conversation abruptly if you hear something that upsets or
threatens you.
Placating: Agreeing too fast ("I know... You're right... I'm sorry")
without truly listening to the other individual's sentiments or worries.

Activity 7: Integrating the Components of Being Assertive


Now, let's see how the components of an aggressive statement work
together by integrating them. Here are several examples:
Example: I believe: In the three years since our last cost-of-living hike,
prices have grown by more than 10 percent.
I feel excluded since the company is doing well, and I am not
contributing to that success.
I want a 10 percent cost-of-living increase as soon as possible so that
my wages can keep up with inflation.
Self-care: If we can't figure this out, I'll have to seek elsewhere to better
provide for my family.
I haven't had time to cook dinner today because I've been working on a
project with a tight deadline.
I am scared and overwhelmed that I may not complete this task.
Could you quickly prepare something from the leftovers so I can
continue my journey?
Self-care: I can order a pizza if it doesn't work.
One method to utilize your self-care solution is to save it for use only if
the other person rejects your chosen option. The tactic of saving the "big
guns" for later is frequently beneficial.
Create Your Assertiveness Scripts
Now is the time to practice script development. Start by identifying
three circumstances in which you sense something is amiss and desire
change. Then, write the information in the supplied space.
FIRST PROBLEM
The issue:
What I want to be changed:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
SECOND PROBLEM
The issue:
What I want to be changed:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
THIRD PROBLEM
The issue:
What I want to be changed:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Now let's transform this knowledge into scripts:


FIRST PROBLEM
I think:
I feel:
I want:
How I will care for myself:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
SECOND PROBLEM
I think:
I feel:
I want:
How I will care for myself:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
THIRD PROBLEM
I think:
I feel:
I want:
How I will care for myself:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 8: SAYING NO
No-saying is an essential component of healthy communication.
Without it, every relationship is dangerous, like driving a car with no
brakes. As a result, you do not influence what others do to you. Saying no is
both simple and challenging. The words are easy, yet they often require
bravery to speak.
Let's begin with the "how" of refusing. There are just two actions:
First, confirm the other individual's demands or desires.
Second, express a strong preference to avoid doing it.
Here are several examples:
"High-body-count action films are entertaining, but I'd rather see
something calmer tonight."
"I've seen chartreuse utilized effectively; it's a lively hue, but I'd prefer a
pastel for my bedroom."
"I understand why you want to face Ian (our son), but I'm not
comfortable with a strategy that could result in his turning his back on us."
"I understand why you want to stay out late to avoid the heat, but I'm
not comfortable staying out so late past my bedtime."
Memorable phrases include "I would like" and "I am not comfortable."
You don't present a lot of justification for your perspective; you don't argue.
You just validate and decline. It is crucial not to give the opponent anything
they can use against you. Preferences and emotions cannot be contested.
Exercise: Establishing a Dominant Hierarchy
Developing assertiveness (including the ability to say no) requires
practice and a willingness to take risks. But you must begin with low-risk
scenarios before moving on to more anxiety-provoking ones.
Create a list of scenarios in which you need to make adjustments, say
no, or set limitations. Include issues with family, friends, individuals you
work with or for, authorities, etc. Rank the List from 1 to 10 regarding risk
and difficulty, with 1 representing the least hard situation and 10
representing the most difficult one.
ASSERTIVE SITUATION HIERARCHY
Rank the situations
Now, beginning with the lowest-ranked circumstances, perform four
actions:
First, write your script ("I believe... I feel... I desire").
Practice your script.
Determine when and where you intend to use it.
Commit to delivering your bold declaration on a certain day.
After achieving your first assertive objective, assess what worked and
may be improved. For instance, do you need to be more assertive, with
fewer arguments and justifications?
Incorporate the lessons learned from the first stage into the preparations
for the second-ranked situation. Continue ascending the hierarchy. As you
go, your confidence and skill will increase. And your relationships will
grow increasingly rewarding over time.

Day 3: Emotion Regulation


Activity 1: BEING MINDFUL OF YOUR EMOTIONS WITHOUT
JUDGMENT
Learning to be attentive to your emotions without criticizing them
reduces the likelihood that they may become more intense, overwhelming,
or painful.
Being Aware of Your Emotions Without Judging Them
Beginning with mindful awareness of your breath, this approach is
characterized by a focus on the present moment. Concentrate on the
sensation of air passing across your throat, the expansion and contraction of
your ribs, and the stretching and relaxing of your diaphragm. After taking
four or five slow, deep breaths, you have two options:
(1) Identify the current emotion you are experiencing, or
(2) if you cannot identify an emotion, visualize a previous situation in
which you experienced an emotional response. Whenever you imagine a
scene, focus on as many specifics as possible. Make an effort to recall what
was said and how you and others behaved.
Before practicing, acquaint yourself with the experience by reading the
instructions. Then, if you feel more comfortable listening to the
instructions, record them in a slow, even voice using an audio recording
device so you may listen to them while doing this technique.
Instructions
While breathing slowly and evenly, focus your attention on the area of
your body where you are experiencing the emotion. For example, do you
feel it in your chest, stomach, shoulders, face, or head?
Are you experiencing discomfort in your arms or legs? Consider any
bodily sensations associated with the emotion.
Now consider the intensity of the emotion. Is it expanding or
contracting? Is the emotion pleasurable or unpleasant? Try to identify the
feeling or describe some of its characteristics.
Now, attempt to observe your thoughts. Have you contemplated the
emotion? Does the feeling provoke evaluations of others or yourself? Then,
just continue to monitor your emotions and your judgments.
Imagine now that every verdict is one of the following:
A leaf flowing down a stream, around a bend, and out of sight
A computer pop-up advertisement that flashes briefly and then
disappears
One of a parade of trucks or cars approaching and passing you on a
desert highway
Choose the image that best fits your needs. Then, the idea is to
recognize the judgment, set it on a sign, a leaf, or a train car, and let it go.
Just continue to observe your emotion. When a self- or other-judgment
begins to materialize, transform it into a visual (leaf, cloud, billboard, etc.)
and observe as it goes away and disappears.
Now is the time to remind yourself of your right to experience any
emotion. Emotions come and go like the ocean's waves. They ascend and
then retreat. Whatever you feel is valid and necessary, regardless of how
intense or terrible. Take a slow breath and recognize the emotion as
something that resides in you for a brief period before passing.
Consider your prejudicial thoughts. Imagine them, then let them pass.
Let your emotions be what they are, like the rising and falling of ocean
waves. You ride your emotions briefly, and then they pass away. This is
normal. It is the essence of humanity.
Finish the practice with three minutes of focused breathing, counting
your out-breaths (1, 2, 3, 4 and then repeating 1, 2, 3, 4) and focusing on
each moment as you breathe.
Upon reflection, you may have thought this activity to be laborious.
Observing and letting go of judgments may feel quite foreign and odd.
However, you are learning to watch rather than be controlled by
judgemental ideas, which is an essential skill.
We recommend performing this exercise three or four before proceeding
to the next step.
Remember the following critical stages for the practice of noticing your
emotions without judgment:
Focus on your breath.
Emphasis on feeling (current or past).
Become aware of physical feelings associated with emotion
Identify the emotion.
Become aware of judgments (about oneself, others, or the emotion
itself) and release them.
Use "leaves on a stream" or an alternative image.
Observe the emotion; emotions are like ocean waves.
Remind yourself that you have a right to your feelings.
Continue to observe and release judgments.
Conclude with three minutes of conscious breathing
PROBLEM-SOLVING
Sometimes emotion regulation has to start before the overwhelming
feelings begin. Problem solving focuses on the triggering event and finds
new, more effective ways to respond.
Behavior Analysis
Problem-solving begins with something called behavior analysis. This
amounts to tracing the sequence of events that led up to a problematic
emotion. The Behavior Analysis
The worksheet will take you to step by step through the process.
EXAMPLE: BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS WORKSHEET
When he did a behavior analysis of his anger reactions, Sam found
multiple internal trigger she hadn't expected.
SAM'S BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS WORKSHEET
Problematic emotion: Rage at mother-in-law
Precipitating event
• External event: Mother-in-law's visit. She looks disgusted when she
sees my house.
• Thoughts: House needs paint. The yard is full of weeds and run-down
looking. The place is a dump.
• Secondary events
• Emotion: Sadness
Thought: I hate this place.
• Emotion: Shame
Thoughts: Why do I spend my life in dumps like this? Why can't I do
better than this? I know why—because I'm a loser who can't make any
money.
• Behavior: Accused my mother-in-law of not helping us when we
needed it, of not caring about our problems, and when she disagreed, she
blew up.
Notice that the external event—the mother-in-law's visit—is only one
step in a series. And most of the steps leading to the rage are internal—
thoughts and other painful feelings. So if Sam is going to regulate his anger
better, he may need to identify which steps in the triggering process he
wants to change and then use problem-solving to plan a different response.
The point here is that you can change or soften overwhelming emotions
by changing your actions before the emotion sweeps you away. Therefore,
after completing your behavior analysis, the first step is to decide which of
the precipitating or secondary events you want to alter. This must be (1) an
event you have control over (for example, your thoughts or behavior) and
(2) the event, if altered, will likely reduce your problematic emotion.
In Sam's case, he decided to do something about his shame-generating
thoughts and verbal attack. Sam realized that all too often over the years,
this pattern had repeated itself before he got angry. First, he'd start with self-
shaming thoughts, which would soon feel intolerably painful. Then he'd try
to mask the shame by finding fault with others, which would trigger anger
and eventually an attack.
Once you've identified the precipitating or secondary event(s) you want
to change using your own Behavior Analysis Worksheet, the next step is to
use the ABC Problem Solving technique.
EXERCISE: BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS WORKSHEET
• Problematic emotion:
• Precipitating event (what happened before the emotion)
• External event: Did something happen over which you have no control
(losing a job, getting sick, disturbing news, and so on)?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
• Thoughts: What thoughts, before the emotion, might have triggered or
intensified your reaction?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

• Emotion: Was there a primary and different emotion that triggered


your reaction?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
• Behavior: Was something you or someone else did trigger your
reaction?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
• Secondary events: Identify what happened immediately after the
precipitating event (but before the problematic emotion). Break it down into
steps (a, b, c).
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
• Thoughts:
Emotion:
Behavior:

• Thoughts:
Emotion:
Behavior:
• Thoughts:
Emotion:
Behavior:
When you complete a Behavior Analysis Worksheet, you'll see how
emotions are built.
Something always triggers them. Sometimes that trigger is internal—
like your thoughts or feelings— and sometimes, there are multiple causes,
all of which need to be recognized and traced.

Activity 3: ABC Problem Solving


After completing the Behavioral Analysis Worksheet, the second step of
problem-solving is as follows. It will teach you the fundamentals of
problem-solving:
• Substitutes. Consider alternate responses. How could you modify your
main or secondary ideas and behaviors?
• Unique concepts. Evaluate your List of options and execute the top
one or two.
• Implementation commitment Determine when and where the new
responses will be tested.
Create a list of your fresh ideas and actions.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
ALTERNATIVES: BRAINSTORMING
Let's move through the problem-solving methods with Sam as an
example. First, Sam made two lists: one to replace his remorseful thoughts
and the other to modify his angry behavior.
EXAMPLE: The creative ideas of Sam are disgraceful. Aggressive
Behavior
• Consider my strong points.
• Remind me how ridiculous this makes me and how it ultimately
infuriates me.
• Distract yourself; listen to music.
• He should ask his wife Millie for aid.
• Drive; take some photographs.
• Confirm the individual's identity before making any harsh remarks.
• Never criticize me when I am sad or embarrassed.
• Provide written instead of spoken feedback. I frequently lose my
temper and utter nasty words.
Before speaking, consider the other person's feelings.
Check with Millie to determine if I've lost my mind before condemning
anyone.
BEST IDEAS: EVALUATION STEP
Sam evaluated the various concepts he had produced and chose to
implement the following.
• I will engage in photography or listen to music to divert my attention.
• I will contact Millie before criticizing anyone, and if I decide to be
critical, I will provide well-reasoned written comments.
COMMITMENT TO IMPLEMENTATION
Sam intended to implement his plan with his mother-in-law for the
remainder of his visit, especially whenever she said something unfavorable
when they were alone.
Sam selected a time when he was committed to implementing his new
plan, and he designed exact replacement behaviors to replace crucial actions
that occurred before he became angry.
The most important component of problem-solving is knowing
precisely what will be done differently and when—the greater your ability
to be specific and concrete, the better. Then, work through the same
processes, using your example from the Behavioral Analysis Worksheet, to
produce an executable strategy.
ALTERNATIVES: BRAINSTORMING
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

BEST IDEAS: EVALUATION STEP


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
COMMITMENT TO IMPLEMENTATION
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Day 4: Distress Tolerance


DISTRESS TOLERANCE SKILLS: WHAT ARE THEY?
At some point in life, we must all endure sorrow and suffering. It may
be physical, such as a bee sting or a broken arm, or emotional, such as
despair or fury. In both instances, pain is frequently inevitable and
unanticipated. You cannot always predict when you will be stung by a bee
or when something will make you upset. Often, you can rely on your
existing coping abilities and hope they work.
However, mental and physical pain is more acute and occurs more
frequently for some people than others. Their distress is more sudden and
seems like an overpowering tsunami. Frequently, these situations will never
end, and the individuals experiencing them do not know how to deal with
the intensity of their anguish. This problem will be referred to in this book
as overwhelming emotions. (However, remember that mental and physical
pain frequently co-occurs.)
People struggling with overwhelming emotions frequently respond to
their suffering in harmful and ineffective ways because they are at a loss for
alternatives. This is comprehensible. When a person is experiencing
emotional anguish, it is difficult to be rational and come up with a viable
answer. However, many of the coping mechanisms employed by persons
with overwhelming emotions merely serve to exacerbate their difficulties.
The following is a list of popular coping mechanisms employed by
those dealing with this issue.
Check the coping mechanisms you employ to deal with difficult
situations:
( ) You spend considerable time contemplating previous suffering,
errors, and issues.
( ) You become worried from fretting about potential future aches,
errors, and issues.
( ) You distance yourself from others to avoid uncomfortable
circumstances.
( ) You dull your senses via drink or drugs.
( ) You take out your emotions on others by becoming excessively
furious with them or attempting to exert control over them.
( ) You indulge in risky activities such as cutting, striking, picking,
burning, or pulling your hair.
( ) You engage in risky sexual behavior, such as having sex with
strangers or regular unprotected sexual activity.
( ) You avoid addressing the causes of your difficulties, such as a
dysfunctional or violent relationship.
( ) You punish or control yourself with food by eating excessively, not
eating at all, or vomiting what you do consume.
( ) You attempt suicide or engage in high-risk behaviors, such as driving
recklessly or consuming dangerous quantities of alcohol or drugs.
( ) You avoid enjoyable activities such as social gatherings and exercise,
perhaps because you believe you do not deserve to feel better.
( ) You submit to your suffering and resign yourself to a dismal and
unfulfilling existence.
These techniques are routes to even greater emotional misery, as even
the strategies that provide momentary comfort will ultimately lead to more
suffering. Utilize the worksheet Cost of Self-Destructive Coping Strategies
to determine how. Include any additional charges you can think of, noting
the tactics you utilize and their associated prices. At the end of the
worksheet, feel free to add any additional, non-included strategies and their
prices.

Activity 1: DISTRACT YOURSELF WITH PLEASURABLE


ACTIVITIES
Occasionally, doing something that makes you feel good is the most
effective approach to divert your attention away from uncomfortable
emotions. However, remember that you do not need to wait until you feel
overwhelmed by painful feelings to engage in one of these activities.
Regular participation in these types of activities is also beneficial.
Therefore, you should strive to do something enjoyable daily. In some
situations, exercise has also been proven to be an effective treatment for
depression, making it beneficial for your overall physical health and crucial
(Babyak et al., 2000).
In addition, exercise makes you feel good almost immediately by
producing endorphins, your body's natural analgesics (the same painkillers
released when you cut yourself).
Following is a list of over a hundred enjoyable activities that can be
used as a diversion.
Here's an example of using enjoyable hobbies as a diversion.
Karen lacked companionship and had nothing to do. As she sat alone at
home, she began to reflect on how lonely she had been her entire life and
how her father had harmed her as a child. Karen was instantly overcome
with really terrible emotions. The memories also caused her shoulder to
experience agony. Karen started crying and had no idea what to do.
Fortunately, she recalled the diversion strategy she had devised. Karen
had always found exercise to be an effective strategy, so she went for a long
stroll in the park while listening to some of her favorite music. The action
did not erase her memories or relieve her pain, but the lengthy walk calmed
her and prevented her from becoming overwhelmed with grief.
Take note of how you felt after doing light exercises like walking or
strolling while listening to music. You may also perform other forms of
physical activity that you find enjoyable or at least bearable.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 2: DISTRACT YOURSELF BY PAYING ATTENTION TO


SOMEONE ELSE
Focusing your attention on someone else is a second effective method
of pain diversion.
Here are some instances. Check those that you are willing to do, and
then add any other activities you can think of:
( ) Do something for someone else.
( ) Call your pals and see whether they need assistance with something,
such as a task, grocery shopping, or housework.
( ) Ask your parents, grandparents, and siblings if there is anything you
can do to assist them. Inform them that you're seeking anything to do
because you're feeling bored.
( ) Call an acquaintance and offer to take them to lunch.
( ) Give money to the first homeless person you encounter. Call your
local soup kitchen, homeless shelter, or volunteer organization if you're able
to prepare ahead for times like this when you're overwhelmed with pain.
( ) Plan to engage in activities that assist others.
( ) Join a local political activist group, environmental group, or other
organization and become involved in helping others.
Distract yourself from your thoughts. Visit a nearby store, retail mall,
bookstore, or park. Simply observe others or circulate among them while
seated. Observe their actions and examine their attire. Observe their
interactions. Count the number of buttons they have on their clothing.
Obtain as much information as possible on the other individuals. For
example, count the number of individuals with blue eyes versus those with
brown eyes. When your thoughts return to your suffering, shift your
attention to the particulars of the people you observe.
Consider an important person. Keep an image of them in your wallet or
handbag. This might be your husband, wife, parent, boyfriend, girlfriend,
children, or friend, or it could be someone you admire, such as Mother
Teresa, Gandhi, Jesus, the Dalai Lama, Ganesha, and so on. It could even be
a movie star, athlete, or someone you have never met. Then, when you are
feeling distressed, take out the photograph and imagine a peaceful, healing
conversation you would have with that person if you could talk to them
when you are feeling harmed.
What would they say to you to make you feel better? Imagine hearing
them say this to you.
Additionally, Here is an example of diverting one's attention by
focusing on another person:
A fight between Louis and his partner, Roger, caused him to feel upset.
As soon as he began to recall all of the other conflicts he and Roger had had
in the past, Louis became melancholy. Louis approached his desk, where he
kept a photograph of his mother. He sat down and began to converse with
his mother as though she were present. He sought direction and fortitude to
address the problem with Roger. He began to feel better after imagining
what she would say to him. Later, when he could think more clearly, he
returned to the day's duties.
Take note of what you experience as you distract yourself by paying
attention to others in your journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 3: DISTRACT YOUR THOUGHTS


A human brain is a marvelous machine for making thoughts. It
generates millions of thoughts daily. This generally makes our life
considerably simpler. However, we cannot completely control what our
brains think. Here is an illustration. Imagine a picture of your favorite
animated characters, such as Bugs Bunny, Snoopy, or Superman. Imagine
the character in great detail as you close your eyes.
Remember its precise appearance. Consider the character for around
fifteen seconds. Got it? During the next thirty seconds, avoid thinking about
the character as much as possible. Try to prevent the character from
entering your mind. But be honest with yourself and observe how
frequently the persona enters your mind. It is impossible not to consider the
character. In fact, the harder you try not to think about something, the more
power you give it, and the more your brain continues to bring it to mind.
It's almost as though the more you attempt to forget something, the
more your brain attempts to remember it. This is why forcing yourself to
forget about a past event is impossible. This is also why you cannot just
push yourself to eliminate unwanted emotions.
Instead of forcing yourself to forget a memory or concept, attempt to
divert your mind with other recollections or imaginative imagery. Here are
some instances.
Check (/) those you're willing to do, and then add any more activities
that come to mind:
( ) Recall pleasant, entertaining, or thrilling prior events. Try to recall as
many specifics as possible regarding these pleasant recollections. What did
you do? With who were you? What occurred?
( ) Consider sexual thoughts that arouse you. Create sexual fantasies
involving yourself and a known or desired partner. Consider as many
specifics as possible. What occurs that is so thrilling?
( ) Consider the natural environment surrounding you. Observe the
flowers, trees, sky, and terrain in the greatest detail possible. Observe any
animals in the vicinity. Pay attention to the sounds they create. Or, if you
live in a city without much nature, observe what you can or close your eyes
and visualize a sight you've observed in the past.
( ) Imagine you are a hero or heroine who can alter a past or future
event in your own life. How would you handle the situation? What would
others say about you?
( ) Imagine receiving compliments from a person whose opinion you
value.
What did you do? What does the individual say to you? Why does this
individual's viewpoint important to you?
( ) Imagine your craziest dreams becoming a reality. What exactly is it?
Who else would participate? What would you do subsequently?
( ) Keep a copy of your favorite prayer or saying with you at all times.
Then, if you feel distressed, you can pull it out and read it aloud. Imagine
the phrases as soothing and calming you. Use calming imagery (such as a
white light descending from heaven or the universe) as you read the words.
Other thoughts:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Here is an illustration of the use of distracting ideas. Joel was in an
unhealthy relationship that frequently reminded him of how his mother
treated him. She constantly criticized him and told him he was in error.
When these recollections overwhelmed Joel, he was at a loss for what to do.
Occasionally, he would simply yell at his pals or whoever was present.
However, after devising a distraction plan, Joel conceived of further
concepts. When he recalled his mother's reprimand, he went to his bedroom
to lie down. Then he imagined himself approaching his mother about her
abusive language as a child.
He told her everything he wished he had told her years earlier. Instead,
he informed her that she was mistaken and should cease her criticism. Joel
controlled the fantasy's specifics in how he desired they had occurred years
earlier. Afterward, he slowly felt better. He had broken the cycle of allowing
his distressing feelings to overpower him.
Take note of what you experience as you distract your thoughts in your
journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 4: DISTRACT YOURSELF WITH TASKS AND


CHORES
Many individuals schedule an insufficient time to care for themselves
and their living environments. Consequently, jobs and activities are not
done. Therefore, now is the ideal time to take care of oneself and the
environment.
Engage in one of the following temporary distractions the next time you
find yourself in a scenario where your emotions become too painful: Check
the ones you're willing to do, and then add any others that come to mind:
Dishwashing duties.
Call those with whom you haven't spoken in a while, but not those with
whom you are furious.
Clean your room or home, or assist a buddy with a gardening or
cleaning activity.
Donate your old clothes after cleaning out your closet.
Redecorate at least the walls of a room.
Organize your books, CDs, desktop computer, and so on.
Make a plan to acquire a job if you don't currently have one or find
better work if you already have one.
Obtain a haircut.
Visit a salon for a manicure, pedicure, or both.
Have a massage.
Wash your or another's vehicle.
Cut the grass.
Purify your garage.
Wash the clothes.
Do your homework.
Perform tasks that you bring home from your workplace.
Shine your footwear.
Make your jewels shine.
After cleaning the bathtub, take a bath.
Water your plants and tend to your garden.
Cook dinner for yourself and some buddies.
Pay your debts.
Attend a support group meeting, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or
Overeaters Anonymous.
Other thoughts:
Here's an example of distracting yourself with duties and chores. Mike
invited his girlfriend Michelle to a movie by calling her. Michelle and her
friends had already arranged to do something different. Mike felt extreme
rejection and abandonment. Michelle hung up on him when he began to
shout at her.
This made Mike feel worse. He was at a loss for what to do. Rapidly, he
began to feel dizzy and disoriented, and his emotions turned quite angry.
This time, however, instead of contacting Michelle back and bickering, he
opened his wallet and retrieved his diversion plan (which you will also
construct by the conclusion of this chapter). He had scribbled "get a
haircut" on a piece of paper, so he walked a half-mile to his barber. When
he came home, he had sufficiently cooled off to call Michelle to inquire
about her availability for the following day.
Take note of what you experience as you distract yourself with chores in
your journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 5: CREATE YOUR DISTRACTION PLAN


Identify the distraction abilities you'll utilize the next time you're in a
painful or uncomfortable circumstance. These chosen abilities will
comprise your diversion strategy. Remember that these are the initial steps
in your plan for distraction, relaxation, and coping.
Enter your chosen methods of distraction below. Then, when you're
finished, rewrite them on a 3 x 5-inch note card or a post-it note that you
may carry in your wallet or purse. Then, the next time you find yourself in a
stressful situation, you can bring out the card to recall your distraction
strategy.

MY DISTRACTION PLAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Day 5: Consolidation
Mental Health Day: Living off the Grid
This day is the commencement of all the activities you have done so far
to address issues related to Social Media. To fully take control of Social
Media's influence on your life, you need to spend the whole day "off the
grid." doing so means you are not supposed to visit any social media sites
for at least 12 hours straight.
You may do any activities from the workbook or try to go out, see the
world, and reconnect with other people or nature, but without taking a
photo and posting it on Social Media. Nor without the need to check for a
place's information on Social Media.
Once you have done all of the activities for the day without as much as
checking on Social media platforms, take note of what you feel and write it
down in your journal. Are there any changes in your perspective? Were you
satisfied by how your day turned out? have there been moments when you
were tempted to check on your Social Media page or post something to it?
NOTE: Please inform your loved ones or the people caring for you a
day before that you will be off the grid. Also, remember that you will only
be staying away from Social Media platforms; you can always accept phone
calls or read important Text Messages, even emails from work or family.
We do not want these people to worry about us after all.
Day 6: Weekly Evaluation
The Weekly Regulator Logsheet is mostly a reminder system to assist
with this. Here are the abilities you will emphasize:
_ Managing physical vulnerability
_ Managing cognitive vulnerability
_ Recognizing and recalling positive occurrences
_ Monitoring and embracing emotions
Every Sunday night, the Weekly Regulator Logsheet should be filled
out. Make numerous photocopies and reflect on the abilities you've applied
throughout the past week.
Mark the appropriate spaces to indicate when your talents were utilized.

Positive Events This Week


Monday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Tuesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Wednesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3.. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Thursday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Friday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Saturday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Sunday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________

Day 7: Rest Day


You do not have to do anything for today. You may revisit an old hobby
or maybe go to places you have always wanted. You may also sit on the
couch and binge-watch that TV series you have always wanted to watch.
The point of this day is to have a rest, away from what bothered you during
the week, away from your work and your source of stress.
But while you take the day off, try to observe and notice your behavior
and perception of things. Then, try to look back and write your observations
in your journal. You may have taken a break from the activities, but you
must at least try to write in your journal.

Building a Satisfying Life


Routines and structure contribute to a fulfilling life. But unfortunately,
many of us find our lives unsatisfying, unenjoyable, or even unpleasant,
even though every life is valuable. Life is more rewarding when we
establish predictable, pleasurable, balanced routines of rest, fun, and
responsibility.
Routines do not require complexity. In truth, most of us benefit from a
life of intentional simplicity. Connecting with and experiencing the routines
that define and structure our days constitutes mindful simplicity.
Consider that the Dalai Lama (2009) describes a daily pattern that
consists of meals, meditation, scripture study, watch repair, gardening,
working, and a little television before bed. Our daily activities need not be
extraordinary.
Predictability can bring tranquility and pleasure.
Consider, too, that what works for youngsters typically also works for
adults. Many mistakenly assume that we no longer require the same level of
order and consistency as youngsters. In certain instances, we did not have
structure or predictability as youngsters. Thus we did not have the option to
continue having it until adolescence or adulthood.
Creating a schedule is one of the first steps in constructing a fulfilling
life. However, explore the debate between want to and have to before
beginning. We need a balance between what we want to do and what we
have to do in our daily routines and a middle ground between fun activities
and obligations.
In a rational sense, excess in either direction necessitates a balance with
the opposite. When trapped on one side or the other, we need to modify our
routines.
There is also structure vs. flexibility and predictability versus novelty
dialectics to consider. Remember that regular routines are advantageous, but
if they become too strict, we may feel trapped by them. The other extreme
of excessive flexibility is too much unpredictability or disorder, which
prevents the development of a meaningful existence.
Excessive flexibility leaves us unsure about what we should do,
producing anxiety. Creating a stable routine that allows for modification
and flexibility based on the day's demands is the middle ground.
A consistent routine makes us feel calm and secure and function from a
"home base." At the same time, excessive predictability results in a feeling
of suffocation. We also require novelty and variation in our daily routines.
Each day does not need to be the same. Planning open hours and days off
might contribute to achieving a balance. Remember that establishing a
routine will take time but will yield substantial benefits.
Using ROUTINE (RO)
Use the acronym ROUTINE to remember the components of this talent
(Responsibilities, Ongoing structure, Use of skills, Traditions, Interests
included, Novelty, Imagine a fulfilling existence). These basic blocks are
detailed in greater detail in the following paragraphs.

Responsibilities
When our daily tasks are not met, we become overwhelmed. Reduce
larger obligations to daily tasks. Create a "My Routines and Schedule" list
with important and minor obligations.
Ongoing structure
Routines are characterized by a persistent, predictable, and repetitive
structure. The structure prevents us from becoming mired in symptoms and
provides the basis for constructing a fulfilling existence. Utilize the My
Routines and Schedule list to organize your days, and adhere to it.
Use of skills
Remember that you must learn and practice your skills as part of your
routine, just like a student does daily homework. Include reminders for the
specific skills you wish to practice on a certain day. Also, remember that
other skills may be required to follow your program.
Traditions
Traditions give our life and the lives of others meaning. Creating rituals
that you and your loved ones appreciate is a component of a fulfilling life.
Many of us associate traditions with seasons and holidays, which can be
enjoyable to establish; traditions can be as simple as a family bowling night,
a specific supper on a given night, or recognizing (your or others')
accomplishments with something special. You can return to cherished
traditions or use creativity to create new ones for yourself and your loved
ones.
Interests
There are interests included. It is challenging to sustain routines that
exclude our interests. Be careful to incorporate activities that you enjoy. If
you are uncertain about your interests, choose some activities from the
Activities List (see below) and add them to your calendar. Remember to
have a Nonjudgmental Attitude about a new hobby or activity.
Novelty
Be wary of adding too much order to your daily routine. Routines need
room for adaptability and novelty as well. Make sure to provide space for
trying new things and spontaneity. Consider scheduling in a free morning,
afternoon, evening, or day.
Envision a fulfilling life
Establishing routines, schedules, and structure requires time. Remember
not to give up on forming habits that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
Instead, consider how your routine supports your aims, objectives, and
values. Do not give up!
Everyday Care
Daily physical and mental self-care is required to maintain a solid
foundation. As we acquire more skills, we may build (or you already have
created) more elaborate and effective self-care. However, most of us need to
revisit the fundamentals occasionally, and these fundamentals must be
incorporated into our daily lives.
Refer to the following categories and describe the additional daily
duties you would like to complete.
Regular physical maintenance
Brush your teeth
Wash your face or take a bath or shower
Put on clean clothes;
Take prescriptions, vitamins, etc.;
Use a deodorant;
At least three times every day, have three balanced meals and two
nutritious snacks.
Have a bedtime routine
Move around, stretch, and exercise
Describe any additional daily physical self-care tasks
Mental self-care
Mindfulness (breathing or relaxation)
Identify positives and express gratitude
Motivate yourself
Plan pleasant activities
Connect with relatives, companions, and support
Nurture your spirit
Describe additional daily mental self-care activities
Describe how your life will change when you properly practice physical
and mental self-care.

Day 1: Mindfulness
We need to have pleasant activities scheduled every day. Below is a list
of
pleasant activities, many of which are free. Add pleasant activities that
you
enjoy to the List. Make sure to schedule at least three pleasant activities
each
day. Also, remember to use mindfulness skills with each experience.
1. Dress up or down.
2. Play board games.
3. Have a snack mindfully.
4. Appreciate a favorite actor or act yourself.
5. Read a text of your religion.
6. Advocate for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, a political
cause,
or the environment.
7. Stargaze, find constellations or wonder about the universe.
8. Read about animals or visit the zoo.
9. Appreciate the arts or create your artwork.
10. Play badminton.
11. Redecorate or rearrange your house.
12. Join a group.
13. Have a conversation with a friend or a stranger.
14. Watch or play baseball or softball.
15. Make crafts.
16. Watch, read about, fly an airplane or build a model.
17. Watch or play basketball or play HORSE.
18. Bathe or shower mindfully.
19. Relax at (or imagine being at) the beach; look for shells or clean the
beach up.
20. Do beadwork.
21. Beatbox, rap, or sing.
22. Ring a bell.
23. Breathe mindfully.
24. Write a short story.
25. Bike.
26. Feed or watch birds.
27. Blog or visit blogs.
28. Boat.
29. Bowl.
30. Bet a small amount of money.
31. Start a fantasy football league (or join one).
32. Play checkers.
33. Help the disabled.
34. Contribute to a food pantry.
35. Bake a cake and decorate it.
36. Go geocaching.
37. Do calligraphy.
37. Do calligraphy.
38. Camp.
39. Make candles or ice candles.
40. Canoe.
41. Have a picnic in your home.
42. Read about cars or go for a drive.
43. Do some cheerleading.
44. Take a nap.
45. Watch one TV show mindfully.
46. Window-shop (without spending).
47. Play chess.
48. Go to a place of worship or engage in associated activities.
49. Watch clouds.
50. Make a sand castle.
51. Collect coins.
52. Go to an antique shop to browse.
53. Collect artwork.
54. Collect vinyl or CDs or look at and listen to old ones.
55. Compose music or lyrics.
56. Look at architecture in magazines or around town.
57. Enjoy perfume or cologne.
58. Do computer activities.
58. Do computer activities.
59. Cook.
60. Crochet.
61. Cross-stitch.
62. Do a crossword puzzle.
63. Dance anywhere.
64. Play darts (not lawn darts).
65. Look at your collectibles.
66. Bowl with friends or in a league.
67. Daydream.
68. Juggle.
69. Play dominoes or set them up to let them fall.
70. Draw.
71. Eat out or fix a special meal at home.
72. Take a community education course or educate yourself on a new
topic.
73. Tinker with electronics.
74. Do embroidery.
75. Entertain others.
76. Exercise: aerobics, weights, yoga.
77. Go fishing.
78. Watch or play football.
79. Take a hot or cool shower.
79. Take a hot or cool shower.
80. Tell jokes and laugh.
81. Go four-wheeling.
82. Paint a wall.
83. Enjoy or maintain an aquarium.
84. Play Frisbee or disc golf.
85. Mend clothes.
86. Have a spirited debate (without needing to be right).
87. Join a club.
88. Play games.
89. Garden.
90. Swim.
91. Keep a dream journal.
92. Hug a friend or family member.
93. Visit garage sales.
94. Be intimate with a loved one.
95. Be a mentor.
96. Build a birdhouse.
97. Do genealogy.
98. Walk your (or a neighbor's) dog.
99. Visit an art museum.
100. Go to the movies or watch a favorite movie.
100. Go to the movies or watch a favorite movie.
101. Golf.
102. Practice putting.
103. Give yourself a facial.
104. Paint a picture or finger-paint.
105. Watch funny YouTube videos (or post one).
106. Find an activity listed more than once on this List.
107. Go go-kart racing.
108. Play Texas Hold'em.
109. Volunteer at an animal protection organization.
110. Write a letter to an editor.
111. Light a candle and enjoy the smell or the flame.
112. Play video games.
113. Scrapbook.
114. Become a pen pal.
115. Support any cause.
116. Play guitar.
117. Write a handwritten letter.
118. Hike.
119. Do home repair.
120. Breathe in the fresh air.
121. Build a home theater system.
121. Build a home theater system.
122. Record your favorite shows and watch them back to back.
123. Air drum or air guitar to a cool song.
124. Ride a horse.
125. Write a thank-you letter.
126. Hunt.
127. Surf the internet.
128. Fix a bike.
129. Make jewelry.
130. Browse your favorite store.
131. Put together a jigsaw puzzle.
132. Build a fort with your kids.
133. Journal.
134. Juggle.
135. Kayak.
136. See life like a young child.
137. Say a prayer.
138. Build or fly kites.
139. Knit.
140. Tie knots.
141. Sing a silly song.
142. Pick flowers.
142. Pick flowers.
143. Learn anything new.
144. Learn a foreign language.
145. Practice telling a joke.
146. Learn an instrument.
147. Listen to music.
148. Macramé.
149. Color with kids (or without).
150. Smile at someone.
151. Be affectionate.
152. Do a magic trick.
153. Meditate.
154. Use a metal detector.
155. Teach a child something.
156. Build models.
157. Ride or look at motorcycles.
158. Play with children.
159. Go mountain biking.
160. Work with a team.
161. Plant an herb garden.
162. Go to a community center.
163. Grow a Chia pet.
164. Climb a mountain.
165. Make a root beer float.
166. Lie in the grass.
167. Scrapbook.
168. Practice a musical instrument.
169. Make an item of clothing.
170. Read reviews on a topic of interest.
171 Do origami.
172. Play Trivial Pursuit or any trivia game.
173. Clean out a closet and donate unneeded items.
174. Plan a movie marathon.
175. Look at StumbleUpon.com.
176. Join a chat room.
177. Play paintball.
178. Go to a water park.
179. Pass on something thoughtful found on the internet.
180. Go to a video arcade.
181. Indulge in a guilty pleasure.
182. Email friends and family.
183. Join a drum circle.
184. Rollerblade.
185. Swing at a playground.
186. Go to the mall to walk or browse (without spending).
187. Water your plants.
188. Make a collage.
189. Hang with a friend.
190. Listen to music and read the lyrics.
191. Try a new recipe.
192. Paint your nails.
193. Sit by any body of water.
194. Go to the library.
195. Organize a neighborhood garden.
196. Groom a pet.
197. Watch a sunrise or sunset.
198. Take a walk.
199. Go to a health club or YMCA.
200. Go to a coffee shop

From the List, choose the activities you like (or have liked) to do:
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
List at least ten new activities from the List that you are willing to try.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Describe how your life will be different when you schedule and involve
yourself in activities:
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________

Activity 2: My Routines and Schedule


Obtain a calendar or appointment book and create a weekly plan to
establish a routine. Start by establishing regular wake and sleep schedules,
then fill in the hours between non-negotiable obligations and appointments.
Then, schedule self-care and beneficial activities.
Use ROUTINE, the section on Everyday Care, and the Activities List to
establish your regular weekdays. Then, refer to the Small Routines
worksheet (below) for further suggestions.
Follow your schedule and adjust it weekly based on what is working
and requires modification.
Remember that deliberately adhering to a balanced and predictable
schedule will be a significant factor in constructing a fulfilling existence.
Day of the Week
Time
Activity
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
___________

Activity 3: Small Routines


a. Establish tiny routines in your life and stick with what works.
Observe the examples, but be certain to personalize your routines. Ensure
that these simple tasks are included in your daily calendar. Additionally,
remember to apply attention to your daily routines.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
b. Describe your morning routine (e.g., wake up, take meds, use the
restroom, make tea, eat breakfast, shower/bath, journal, meditate/relax, get
ready to leave or transition to the next routine)
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
c. Describe your job (or school, volunteering, etc.) routine (e.g., arrive,
get organized, listen to voicemail and check emails, check in with
coworkers, establish daily objectives)
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

d. Describe your nightly routine (e.g., check mail and perform duties,
prepare and eat supper, clean the kitchen, socialize, read, watch television,
and unwind)
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
e. Describe your night routine (e.g., brushing teeth, washing face,
putting on pajamas, laying out tomorrow's clothes, writing down
tomorrow's positives, gratitude, and goals, practicing mindfulness and
relaxation):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
f. Describe additional crucial tiny routines (e.g., leisure, relaxation):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
g. Describe how your life will change when you follow routines and
schedules successfully and mindfully:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 4: Ideas for Practicing "Wise Mind"


Frequently, mindfulness skills require a great deal of practice. As with
any new talent, it is essential to first practice when the skill is not required.
If you practice in less difficult conditions, the talent will become instinctive,
and you will possess it when required. Practice with both your eyes open
and your eyes closed.
❑ The lake has pebbles. Imagine being near a crystal-clear blue lake on
a gorgeous sunny day.
Then imagine that you are a little light and flat stone flake. Finally,
imagine that you have been thrown into a lake and are now drifting slowly
and gently through the clear, quiet water to the lake's sandy bottom.
Observe what you see and feel as you drift toward the bottom, maybe in
slow circles. As you reach the bottom of the water, direct your focus
inward.
Observe the tranquility of the lake; become aware of the inner peace
and stillness.
As you reach the core of your being, focus your awareness there.
❑ You are walking down the spiral staircase. Imagine a spiral staircase
within you that winds down to your center. Then, beginning at the top,
steadily down the stairs while delving deeper and deeper into yourself.
Be aware of the sensations.
Rest by sitting on a step, and turn on the lights on the way down if you
choose.
Do not force yourself to go further than you desire.
Observe the silence.
As you reach the center of your being, place your focus, possibly in
your gut or abdomen.
❑ Inhaling "Wise" and exhaling "Mind."
Say "Wise" when you breathe in and "Mind" when you breathe out.
Focus your complete attention on the word "wisdom" and then again on
the word "mind."
Continue until you feel like you've reached Wise Mind.
❑ We are asking Wise Mind a question. While inhaling, ask Wise Mind
a question in silence.
Exhaling, listen for the response.
Listen, but do not provide an answer to yourself. Do not provide
yourself with the answer; instead, listen for it.
Continue asking for each inhalation for a considerable time. If there is
no response, try again later.
Asking if this is a "Wise Mind" As you inhale, ask yourself, "Is this
(activity, idea, or plan) Wise Mind?"
Exhaling, listen for the response.
Listen, but do not provide an answer to yourself. Do not provide
yourself with the answer; instead, listen for it.
Continue asking for each inhalation for a considerable time. If there is
no response, try again later.
❑ Attending to your in-and-out breath, allow your focus to settle into
your center.
While inhaling completely, observe and follow the feelings of your
inhalation.
Allow your focus to settle in your center, at the base of your inhalation,
or your solar plexus — or
Focus your attention on the center of your forehead, sometimes known
as the "third eye," at the peak of your inhalation.
Sustaining focus on your center, exhale while breathing normally, and
maintain focus
Adapt to Wise Mind.
❑ You are expanding consciousness. As you inhale, bring your
consciousness to your core.
As you exhale, maintain awareness of your center while expanding
awareness of the space you are in now.
Remain in the present moment.
We are entering the gaps between inhalation and exhalation.
When inhaling, observe the interval following inhalation (top of breath).
When exhaling, observe the pause after exhalation (bottom of breath).
During each pause, let yourself "fall into" the center of the pause.
Take note of this experience and what you have learned by doing this
exercise.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 5: Ideas for Practicing Observing by Coming Back to your


Senses
Remember that observing means bringing your attention to the body
and mind's feelings.
Observe with your eyes:
❑ Lie on the ground and observe the clouds in the sky.
❑ While strolling and stopping at a vantage point, observe flowers,
trees, and nature.
❑ Sit outside. Observe the people and objects in front of you without
following them with your head or gaze.
❑ Observe another person's facial expression and motions. Avoid
labeling the individual's emotions, opinions, or interests.
Focus on another individual's eyes, lips, or hands (or just one feature of
an animal).
❑ Pick up a flower, a stone, or a leaf. Examine it carefully, attempting
to discern every aspect.
❑ Find something wonderful to contemplate, and do so for a few
minutes.
Observe sounds:
❑ Pause for a while and simply listen.
Consider the texture and form of the noises surrounding you.
Consider the spaces between the sounds.
Listen to the pitch of the voice, the smoothness or roughness of the
sounds, the clarity or mumbling of the speech, and the gaps between the
words if someone is speaking.
❑ While listening to music, observe each note and the gaps between
them.
Try breathing the noises into your body and then releasing them on your
exhale.
Observe the odors surrounding you:
❑ While inhaling, observe the odors around you.
Bring an object close to your nose and observe the odors.
Remove it and then observe the odors again. Do they remain?
❑ When eating, observe the aroma of the food;
❑ when cooking, observe the aroma of the spices or other ingredients;
❑ when bathing, smell the soap or shampoo;
❑ when strolling outside, observe the aroma of the air;
❑ when near flowers, kneel and "smell the roses."
Observe taste and the act of eating:
❑ When putting food in your mouth, focus on the flavor.
Retain it in your mouth and focus on the various flavor sensations.
❑ Lick a lollipop or another item.
❑ Observe the taste sensation alone.
❑ Consume a meal, or even a portion of a meal, mindful of the flavor of
each mouthful.
Observe the urge to do something:
❑ "Impulse-surf" by picturing that your desires are a surfboard and that
you are standing on the board, riding the waves, when you are experiencing
an urge to do something impulsive.
❑ Observe any inclination to shun someone or something.
❑ Examine your entire body and become aware of the sensations.
Where is the urge located?
❑ For example, observe when you feel the impulse to swallow while
chewing.
Observe touch sensations on your skin:
❑ Touch your upper lip with a fingernail.
Stop stroking and see how long it takes until you can no longer feel
your upper lip.
❑ Be aware of the sensations of walking, including your feet striking
the ground and rising and falling.
Occasionally, walk leisurely and observe.
Occasionally walk extremely quickly and observe.
❑ When seated, be mindful of your thighs on the chair.
Take note of the slant of your knees and back.
❑ Pay close attention to anything that touches you.
Attempt to sense your feet in your shoes and your body against your
clothing.
Touch your arms to a chair.
Become aware of the sensations in your hands.
❑ Touch something, such as a wall, fabric, tabletop, animal, piece of
fruit, or person.
Observe the texture of the objects you touch and the sensations on your
skin.
Try it again with a different body part.
Recall the sensations once more.
❑ Pay close attention to the sensations in your chest, abdomen, or
shoulders.
Concentrate on the area of your body where you feel constricted or
tense.
Direct your focus to the space between your eyes.
Consider your breathing:
❑ Focus your attention on the following while you breathe steadily and
gently:
The movement of your stomach.
As you inhale, allow your abdomen to lift to bring air into the bottom
lobes of your lungs.
Your chest begins to rise as the upper lobes of your lungs begin to fill
with air.
As you exhale, observe your abdomen, followed by your chest. Do not
exhaust yourself.
❑ Observe your pauses in breathing.
Observe the brief moment when you inhale your lungs filled with air.
As you exhale, observe the small delay at the end of your exhalation.
The sensations in your nose during inhalation and exhalation
As you breathe, close your lips and inhale through your nose, observing
the sensations that go up and down your nostrils.
❑ Your breathing when you move slowly,
Inhale and exhale naturally.
Determine the duration of your breath, including exhale and inhalation,
by counting your steps. Continue for some time.
Start by extending your exhale by one step. Do not force an inhalation
to be longer. Let it be natural.
Observe your inhalation to determine if you wish to lengthen it.
Now, extend the exhale by an additional step.
Observe whether or not the inhale lengthens by one step.
Extend the inhalation only when you feel comfortable doing so.
After 20 breaths, return to regular breathing.
❑ Your respiration while listening to music.
Take deep, even, and soft breaths.
Follow your breath; be its master while keeping conscious of the flow
and emotions of the song.
Do not become lost in the music; maintain control of your breath and
yourself.
Your breath when you listen to a friend's comments and formulate your
responses
Continue with music as it is.
❑ Observe thoughts entering and leaving your mind:
Observe thoughts as they enter your head.
Ask, "From where do thoughts originate?"
Observe them and determine where they originate in your mind.
As you become aware of thoughts, observe the gaps between each one.
❑ Consider your mind to be the sky and your ideas to be the clouds.
Observe each passing thought cloud, allowing it to float in and out of
your consciousness.
Visualize your thoughts as leaves floating down a stream, boats drifting
past on a lake, or trains passing by.
When your thoughts are consumed with anxiety, focus on the feelings in
your body (those most intense right now). Observe, while focusing on your
physical sensations, how long it takes for your worries to evaporate.
❑ Take a step back from your mind, as if you were atop a mountain
and your mind was a boulder at the base.
Observe your mind and the thoughts that arise as you observe it.
Recollect your thoughts before you quit.
Observe the initial two thoughts that enter your mind.
❑ Imagine that your mind is a Conveyor belt.
Imagine that your thoughts and emotions are traveling down it.
Place each thought or emotion in a box, then place it on a conveyor belt
and let it pass.
You are sorting your thoughts and emotions as they travel down the
conveyor belt. Identify the types of incoming thoughts and emotions (e.g.,
anxious thoughts, thoughts about my past, thoughts about my mother, ideas
about planning what to do, angry feelings, sad feelings).
Place them in neighboring boxes for later use.
❑ Imagine your mind as a River, and that one's thoughts and emotions
are boats navigating it.
Imagine sitting on the lawn and observing passing vessels.
Describe or label each passing boat.
Avoid jumping aboard the boat.
❑ Imagine your mind as a Railroad track, and that thoughts and
emotions are passing trains.
Describe or name each item as they pass.
Try not to board the train.
Observe through expanding awareness
❑ As you inhale, observe your breath.
Keeping your breath in mind, observe your hands on the next breath.
Then, while retaining both in your mind, widen your focus to sounds on
your next breath.
Maintain awareness of all three at the same time.
Rehearse this awareness of threes at different times, choosing
alternative items to be mindful of.
❑ Maintaining attention to the task at hand broadens your awareness to
include the surrounding area.
Hug a tree and experience the embrace's sensations.
As you lie in bed, pay attention to the embrace of the sheets, blankets,
or comforters around you.
Do this when feeling lonely and desiring to be loved or to love.
The mind must be open to the senses.
❑ Exercise strolling with your senses as wide open as possible.
Take note of what you see, hear, and feel.
Consider how you feel when you shift your weight between steps.
Observe your physical sensations as you turn.
❑ Pause throughout a meal with a spoonful or forkful of food for one
mouthful.
Observe, smell, and listen to the food you're about to consume. Then,
when prepared, place it in your mouth.
Take note of the flavor, texture, warmth, and even the sound your teeth
make as you gently chew your food.
Observe the alterations in flavor, texture, temperature, and sound as you
chew the food until its completion.
❑ Concentrate your attention on each sensation that arises in your
mind.
Pay attention to the senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste, as
well as brain-generated thoughts.
Observe sensations as they manifest and as they dissipate.
Focus your mind on each sensation as it occurs.
Observe each experience with curiosity and acceptance. Examine the
individuality of each sense.
❑ Be here. Be in the current moment.
Take time to observe each of your senses.
Make a statement to yourself about each sense: "I sense the chair, and
the chair senses me," "The heating hears me, and I hear it," "The wall sees
me, and I see it," "I hear my stomach grumble, and my stomach hears me."
When a sensation arises within you, acknowledge it by stating, "A
feeling of melancholy is arising within me."
When a thought arises within you, observe it by stating, for instance,
"The thought 'It is hot inside' is arising within me."
❑ Take a few opportunities to exercise your "nothing-to-do mind."
Let yourself become conscious of your present experience, recognizing
sensations and surroundings.
❑ Discover a little, hand-sized object.
Place it on a table or your lap in front of you.
Observe it, first without moving it, then by taking it up and spinning it
around, observing it from all angles and lighting conditions.
Observe the shapes, colors, sizes, and other observable qualities.
Then, shift your attention to your hands and fingers contacting the
object. Observe the sensations of touching the object, including its texture,
temperature, and feel.
Place the item down. Close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths in and
out.
Then, with the mindset of a newbie, open your eyes. Observe the object
anew with new eyesight.
Explore the object with your fingers and hands while keeping an open
mind to experiencing different textures and feelings.
Place the object down and refocus your attention on inhaling and
exhaling.
Please take note of every sensation and observation of your experience
as you go along with this exercise and write them down in your journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 6: Ideas for Practicing Describing


Practice describing the external world:
Lie on the ground and observe the clouds in the sky. Identify and
characterize cloud patterns observed.
❑ Be seated on a park or busy street bench. Describe one characteristic
of each passing individual.
❑ Discover natural items like a leaf, water droplet, pet, or another
animal. Describe each item with as much specificity as possible.
❑ Describe as precisely as possible what someone has just said. Then,
verify that you are right.
❑ Describe a person's facial expressions when they appear furious,
fearful, or sorrowful. Observe and describe the shape, movement, and
positioning of the forehead, eyebrows, eyes, lips, mouth, cheeks, etc.
❑ Describe a person's past or current actions. Be quite precise.
Avoid discussing the goals or consequences of behavior you did not
observe.
Avoid judgmental language.
Practice describing your thoughts and emotions
❑ Describe your sentiments as they arise: "Anger is rising within me."
❑Describe your thoughts when experiencing an intense emotion:
"When I feel X, my thoughts are Y."
❑Describe your emotions in response to someone else's actions or
words: "When you do X, I feel Y."
❑ Describe your ideas, feelings, and others' actions: "When you do X, I
feel Y, and my thoughts are Z." "When X occurs, I experience Y and think
Z."
❑ Describe as many of your thoughts as possible while experiencing
intense emotion.
Practice describing your breathing as follows:
As you inhale and exhale, be conscious of the phrase "I am inhaling,"
When exhaling, be conscious of the phrase "I am exhaling,"
Don't forget to breathe from your tummy.
Note the phrase "I am breathing" when beginning the second inhalation.
And while you exhale slowly, be conscious of the phrase "I am
exhaling,"
Continue till the number 10.
After reaching 10, return to the number 1.
Return to 1 whenever you lose your count.
❑ Begin to inhale properly and gently (from the stomach), mentally
stating, "I am inhaling normally."
Exhale consciously, "I'm exhaling naturally."
Continue for three additional breaths.
On the fourth breath, extend the inhalation and tell yourself in your
thoughts, "I am inhaling deeply."
Exhale consciously, "I am releasing a long exhale."
Continue for three additional breaths.
Track the air's entrance and exit. Say to yourself, "I am breathing and
observing the process from beginning to end." Write your observations in
your journal

Activity 7: Ideas for Practicing One-Mindfulness


❑ Awareness when preparing tea or coffee.
Prepare a pot of tea or coffee for a guest or your consumption.
Perform each movement slowly and mindfully.
Do not allow a single aspect of your moves to pass unnoticed.
Know that the pot's handle is where your hand should lift it.
Recognize that you are pouring the aromatic hot tea or coffee into the
cup.
Follow each step with vigilance.
Breathe more slowly and deeply than usual.
Retain your breath if your mind wanders.
❑ Awareness while doing the dishes.
Wash the dishes mindfully, as though each bowl were an object of
reflection.
Consider every bowl to be holy.
Follow your breath to prevent mental wandering.
Do not attempt to rush through the task.
Consider dishwashing the most vital aspect of life.
❑ Be mindful when hand-washing garments.
Do not wash too many items of clothing at once.
Select no more than three or four items of apparel.
Find the most comfortable sitting or standing position to avoid
backache.
Scrub the clothing well.
Focus your attention on every hand and arm movement.
Take note of the soap and water.
After scrubbing and rinsing, your mind and body will feel as clean and
revitalized as your clothing.
Remember to keep a half-smile when your mind wanders and take a
deep breath.
❑ Vigilance while cleaning the house
Organize your tasks: straightening up and putting away books, cleansing
the toilet and bathroom, sweeping the floors, and dusting.
Allow sufficient time for each task. Move at a pace three times slower
than usual.
Concentrate your complete concentration on each activity.
For instance, while placing a book on a shelf, you should look at the
book,
be aware of what it is, be aware that you are placing it on the shelf, and
be aware that you plan to place it in that particular location.
Recognize that your hand reaches for and picks up the book.
Avoid abrupt or violent movements.
Maintain mindfulness of your breath, especially when your mind
wanders.
❑ Consciousness while taking a bath in slow motion.
Allow thirty to forty-five minutes for your bath.
Do not rush for even a moment.
From the time you prepare the bath water until you put on clean clothes,
every movement should be gentle and slow.
Pay close attention to every movement.
Focus your awareness on every body aspect, without bias or
apprehension.
Be aware of every drop of water that touches your body. Your mind will
feel as serene and light as your body by the time you finish.
Observe your breathing.
Imagine yourself in a clear, fragrant lotus pond in the summertime.
❑ Meditation enhances awareness.
Sit comfortably on the floor or a chair with both feet touching the
ground while maintaining a straight back.
Close your eyes completely, or gently open them and focus on
something nearby.
Say the word "One" to yourself softly and quietly with each breath.
While inhaling, say the number "One."
Say the word "One" quietly and slowly as you exhale.
Try to condense your entire thought into this one word.
When your thoughts wander, softly return to uttering "One."
If you feel the want to move, resist the urge. Simply observe the want to
move.
Continue practicing a little longer than desired.
Observe with gentleness the want to cease.

Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness


Defining Objectives in Interpersonal Situations means obtaining What
You Want from Another Person.
• Acquiring your legal rights.
• The process of persuading another person to perform your desired
action.
• Refusing an undesirable or inappropriate request.
• Resolving a problem between parties.
• Having your viewpoint or opinion be treated seriously.
Questions
• What exact outcomes or changes do I want from this relationship?
• What must I do to get the desired outcomes? What will make it work?
Relationship Effectiveness: Maintaining and Strengthening the Bond
• Acting so that the other person continues to like and respect you.
• Striking a balance between current objectives and the long-term
connection.
• Maintaining significant relationships.
Questions
• How do I want the other person to feel about me following the
interaction (regardless of whether I obtain the desired results or changes)?
• What must I do to obtain (or maintain) this relationship?
SELF-RESPECT EFFICIENCY: Maintaining or Enhancing Self-
Respect
• Respecting one's ideals and convictions.
• Acting in a morally satisfying manner.
• Acting in a way that inspires confidence and competence.
• How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction (regardless of
whether I receive the desired results or changes)?
• What must I do to feel so positively about myself? What will make it
work?
Activity 1: Keeping the Relationship (GIVE)
To remember these skills, simply recall the word GIVE: (Be) Gentle,
(Appear) Interested, Validate, (Use an) Easy Manner.
(Be) Gentle
BE KIND and courteous.
No attacks: No physical or verbal assaults. No striking or clenched fists.
No harassment is permitted. Directly express your anger using words.
Do it quietly and without exaggeration, if you must communicate harsh
repercussions for not achieving your objective.
No "manipulative" or concealed threats. No, "I'll kill myself if you . . . "
Tolerate a "no." Participate in the dialogue, even if it becomes
unpleasant. Exit with dignity.
No judging: No moralizing. No, "If you were a good person, then you
would. No "You should" or "You shouldn't" phrases.
Abandon blame.
No sneering: No smirking, eye-rolling, or tooth-sucking. No cutting off
or escaping.
No "That's dumb, don't be unhappy" or "I don't care what you say"
phrases.
(Appear) Interested
LISTEN to the other person and APPEAR INTERESTED in them.
Consider the other person's perspective.
Face the individual, keep eye contact, and incline toward them rather
than away. Do not interrupt or speak over the individual.
Be considerate of the person's desire to postpone the talk. Be patient.
Validate
Demonstrate through WORDS AND ACTIONS that you comprehend
the other person's emotions and views regarding the circumstance. Consider
the world from the other person's perspective before speaking or doing.
"I understand that this is difficult for you, and..." "I see that you are
busy, and..."
When the person feels uneasy speaking in public, move to a private
area.
Easy manner
Utilize some humor.
SMILE. Ease the individual along. Have a lighthearted attitude.
Sweet-talk.
Use a "soft sell" over a "hard sell." Be "political."
Leave your attitude outside.

Activity 2: Expanding the V in GIVE: Levels of Validation


Pay Attention: Instead of appearing bored, show interest in the other
person (no multitasking).
Reflect: Repeat what you hear the other person say or do to ensure that
you fully comprehend what they are conveying. No critical language or
tone of voice is allowed!
Reading minds: Be alert to what the other person is not saying.
Pay close attention to facial expressions, body language, current events,
and what you already know about the individual.
Demonstrate your comprehension with words or actions.
Check it out and make certain you're correct. Let go if you are not.
Comprehend: Consider how the other person's emotions, thoughts, and
actions make sense in light of their prior experiences, current situation,
and/or current state of mind or physical condition (i.e., the causes).
Recognize the Valid: Consider the extent to which the individual's
feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are acceptable because they are a logical
reaction to current facts or are intelligible because they are a reasonable
response to current facts.
Display Equality: Be authentic! Do not one-up or one-down the other
one.
Consider the other person an equal, not frail or incompetent.
Activity 3: Guidelines for Self-Respect Effectiveness: Keeping Respect
for Yourself (FAST): (Be) Fair. (No) Apologies, Stick to Values, (Be)
Truthful
(Be) Fair
Be fair to BOTH YOURSELF and the OTHER individual.
Remember to VALIDATE YOUR OWN emotions and desires in
addition to those of the other person.
(No) Apologies
Don't over-apologize.
There is no need to apologize for being alive or for making a request.
There is no need to apologize for having an opinion or for disagreeing.
No DISGRACEFUL APPEARANCE, with eyes and head, lowered or
body stooped.
Do not invalidate what is real.
Stick to your values
Follow YOUR values.
Do not compromise your ideals or integrity for VERY unimportant
reasons.
Be clear about what you feel to be the moral or valued way of thinking
and acting, and stick to your convictions.
(Be)Truthful
Don't lie.
Do not pretend to be helpless if you are not.
Do not embellish or invent excuses.
Activity 4: Finding and Getting People to Like You
Remember that ALL people are lovable.
However, making friends may need effort on your part. Look for
individuals who are close by.
Familiarity frequently results in like and occasionally in love.
To find people you might like and who might like you, you must be
constantly present and visible among a group of individuals.
Many individuals make acquaintances with classmates, group members,
coworkers, or individuals who frequent the same locations.
Find people who are comparable to you.
We frequently form friends with those who share our interests and
values.
Even if consistently agreeing with someone would not make you more
appealing to them,
many people are attracted to those who share their most vital interests
and attitudes, including politics, lifestyle, and values.
WORK ON YOUR CONVERSATION SKILLS.
Ask and answer questions; provide somewhat more information than
requested.
Make small talk; do not undervalue the importance of small talk.
Self-disclose with tact; align your disclosure with that of the other
person.
Don't interrupt; don't start talking just fractionally before or after
someone else.
Obtain topics for conversation via observing others, reading, and
expanding your hobbies and experiences.
JOIN AN ONGOING GROUP CONVERSATION.
We may never make friends if we wait for someone to approach us.
Therefore, sometimes we must initiate the friendship-making process. This
frequently requires us to know how to determine whether a group is open or
closed and, if it is open, how to approach and join the group.
IDENTIFY WHETHER A GROUP IS OPEN OR CLOSED.
In open groups, new people are encouraged to join.
In closed groups, it is possible that new members are not welcome.
Open Groups
Everyone is separated from one another.
Members periodically glance around the room.
There are pauses in the dialogue.
Members converse about general interests.
Private Groups
Everyone is standing closely
Members only attend to each other
There is a lively discussion between a few gaps.
Members appear to be pairing off.
Determine how to join an open group discussion.
Methods to Join an Open Group
Potential Outcomes
Close in gently on the group.
It may not be obvious from the slowness of your approach that you wish
to join them; it may even appear like you are trying to eavesdrop!
Offer to refill members' cups and serve them refreshments.
That could be a little excessive. What would you do if they denied other
food or beverages? Would it be obvious that you desired to join the group?
Stand next to them and contribute to their conversation.
That may look impolite. They have not invited you to join them, and
besides, what will you contribute?
Proceed forward and introduce yourself.
That seems excessively formal. After introducing oneself, what do you
say next? Will they provide an introduction? Would you not interrupt the
discussion?
Wait for a lull in the conversation, approach a friendly-appearing group
member, and ask, "May I join you?"
This clarifies your objective without appearing disrespectful or
interrupting the discourse; group members can then choose whether or not
to identify themselves.
We often like those who share our beliefs. Express real affection for the
other individual. But do not attempt to beg or beggar the other person.
Instead, find compliments that are not blatantly obvious. Avoid excessive
flattery, and never use compliments to gain favors.
Activity 5: Challenging Myths in the Way of Objectives Effectiveness
Create a challenge that makes sense to you for each myth.
• I do not deserve to receive what I desire or require.
Challenge:

• If I make a request, it will demonstrate that I am weak.


Challenge:

• Before making a request, I must determine whether a person will say


yes.
Challenge:

• If I ask for something or say no, I can't bear for someone to be angry
with me.
Challenge:
• If they reject my proposal, I shall die.
Challenge:

• Making requests is a very aggressive (negative, self-centered, selfish,


etc.) behavior.
Challenge:

• Refusing to comply with a request is always a selfish act.


Challenge:

• I should be willing to sacrifice my wants for the sake of others.


Challenge:

• I must be a complete failure if I cannot repair this myself.


Challenge:

• Clearly, the problem exists solely in my mind. If I had just thought


differently, I wouldn't have disturbed anyone.
Challenge:

• If I don't have what I want or need, it makes no difference; I don't care.


Challenge:

• Skill is a symptom of weakness.


Challenge:

Day 3: Emotion Regulation


Activity1: Figuring Out What My Emotions Are Doing for Me
Choose a current or recent emotional response and complete as much of
this sheet as possible. If the motivating Event for the emotion you are
focusing on is another emotion that occurred before it (for example, fear
provoked anger at yourself), complete a second worksheet for that initial
emotion. If you need more room, write on the reverse of the sheet. Use your
describing abilities for each question.
EMOTION NAME:
INTENSITY (0–100):
Describe the Event that caused the emotion
What occurred to cause this emotion?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe the Action Motivation
What action was my emotion preparing and inspiring me to take?
(Was there a difficulty I was motivated to address, overcome, or avoid
by my emotions?)
What purpose or function did my emotion serve?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe Interactions with Others
What was the expression on my face? Posture? Gestures? Words?
Actions?
What message did my reaction convey to others (even if I had no
intention of doing so)?
How did my mood affect others (even if I had no intention of doing so)?
What did others say in response to my emotional display or actions?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Describe Internal Communication


What did my feelings tell me?
What evidence might I examine to confirm that the message my
emotions were telling me was accurate?
What facts did I investigate?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Activity 2: Myths about Emotions
There is a proper way to feel in any circumstance.
Challenge:
Admitting to others that I am poorly feeling is a weakness.
Challenge:
Negative emotions are harmful and destructive.
Challenge:

Being emotional is synonymous with being out of control.


Challenge:

The problem is that certain feelings are dumb.


Challenge:

All painful feelings are the product of a negative outlook.


Challenge:

If people disapprove of my feelings, I should not feel like I do.


Challenge:

Other people are the most accurate judges of my emotions.


Challenge:

Painful emotions are unimportant and should be disregarded.


Challenge:

Extreme emotions will bring you much further than attempting to


control them.
Challenge:

Creativity necessitates powerful, frequently out-of-control emotions.


Challenge:
Drama is cool.
Challenge:

It is inauthentic to attempt to alter my emotions.


Challenge:

Emotional truth, not factual truth, is what matters.


Challenge:

Individuals should do whatever satisfies their whims.


Challenge:

The mark of a fully liberated individual is acting according to their


emotions.
Challenge:

I am who I am because of my feelings.


Challenge:

My emotions are the reason why people love me.


Challenge:

Emotions can occur for no discernible reason.


Challenge:

Emotions should always be relied upon.


Challenge:

Activity 3: Problem Solving


Step1: Determine and DESCRIBE the problem circumstance.
Step 2: CONFIRM THAT YOU HAVE THE CORRECT PROBLEM
SITUATION BY VERIFYING ALL THE FACTS.
a. If your facts are accurate and the circumstance is the issue, proceed to
the next step
b. If your facts are incorrect, return to STEP 1 and repeat.
Step 3. Determine YOUR GOAL in tackling the situation.
• Determine what must occur or change for you to feel okay.
• Keep it simple, and select something plausible.
Step 4: Generate numerous solutions.
• Consider as many possible solutions as possible. Request advise from
individuals you can trust.
• Do not initially criticize any ideas. (Await Step 5 before evaluating
ideas.)
Step 5. SELECT a solution that fits the objective and is likely to
succeed.
• If you are uncertain, select two viable options.
• Evaluate the solutions using PROS and CONS
• Select the best option to attempt first.
Step 6: Put the solution into effect.
• ACT! Examine the solution.
• Take the initial step, followed by the second.
Step 7: EVALUATE the outcomes of implementing the remedy.
• Did it work? YEA!!!
• It didn't work? Return to STEP 5 and select a new solution to test.
Write the result of the activity and your experience in your journal.

Activity 4: Accumulating Positive Emotions: Short Term


Acquire happy emotions in the short term by engaging in these
activities.
BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES NOW
INCREASE events that result in good emotions.
Each day, do ONE THING from the Pleasant Activities List.
Engage in opposing behavior; AVOID AVOIDING.
BE Mindful OF happy experiences (no multitasking).
BE MINDFUL OF POSITIVE EXPERIENCES
FOCUS your attention on positive moments as they occur. (No
multitasking.)
REFOCUS your attention when you find yourself dwelling on the
negative.
Fully PARTICIPATE and ENGAGE in every encounter.
BE INDIFFERENT TO WORRIES, Such as...
The duration of the favorable experience
Whether you deserve this favorable outcome
How much more may be expected of you at this time?
Pleasant Events List
❑ Working on my vehicle
❑ Having calm evenings
❑ Planning a vacation
❑ Taking care of my plants.
❑ Eliminating (or reducing) debt
❑ Buying, selling stock
❑ Accumulating items (baseball cards, coins, etc.) Swimming stamps,
rocks, shells, etc.)
❑ Doodling
❑ Leaving for a vacation
❑ Exercising
❑ Considering how it will be after I graduate high school
❑ Reusing old materials
❑ Collecting vintage items
❑ Attending a party
❑ Considering buying items
❑ Going out on a date
❑ Playing golf
❑ Relaxing
❑Engaging in soccer
❑ Attending or viewing a movie
❑ Flying kites
❑ Jogging, walking
❑Engaging in conversations with friends
❑ Considering, "I have completed a full day of labor."
❑ Holding family gatherings
❑ Listening to music
❑ Riding a motorcycle or bicycle
❑ Considering previous parties
❑ Running course
❑ Purchasing housewares
❑ Going camping
❑ Sunbathing
❑ Singing around the house
❑ Career-change planning
❑ Arrangement of flowers
❑ Laughing
❑ Reflecting on earlier travel
❑ Religious practice (attending church, group prayer, etc.)
❑ Listening to other individuals
❑ Organizing instruments
❑ Reading periodicals or newspapers
❑ Visiting the beach
❑ Participating in hobbies (stamp collecting, model construction, etc.)
❑ Spending the evening with close companions
❑ Thinking, "I'm a decent individual."
❑ Having a day with no obligations
❑ Attending class reunions
❑ Planning activities for the day
❑ Making new contacts
❑ Going skating, skateboarding, rollerblading
❑ Remembering lovely scenery
❑ Traveling or going on vacations
❑ Sailing or motorboating
❑ Saving money
❑ Going home from work
❑ Painting
❑ Eating
❑ Unplanned activity
❑ Practicing karate, judo, yoga
❑ Needlestitching, crewel, etc.
❑ Retirement planning
❑ Sleeping
❑ Home repairs
❑ Driving
❑ Working on machinery (cars, boats, etc.)
❑ Remembering the kind words and deeds of others
❑ Using provocative attire
❑ Entertaining guests and throwing parties
❑ Participating in club activities (garden clubs, Parents without
Partners, etc.).
❑ Considering getting married
❑ Going on a hunting expedition
❑ Group singing
❑ Being alone
❑ Playing musical instruments
❑ Acting
❑ Flirting
❑ Writing diary entries or letters
❑ Engaging in arts and crafts
❑ Cleaning
❑ Making someone a gift
❑ Reading nonfiction
❑ Acquiring/downloading music
❑ Taking children to various locations
❑ Observing boxing and wrestling
❑ Dancing
❑ Party planning
❑ Weightlifting
❑ Cooking
❑ Participating in a picnic
❑ Going hiking
❑ Creating (books, poems, articles)
❑ After completing a task, thinking, "That was quite good."
❑ Sewing
❑ Meditating, yoga
❑ Purchasing clothing Having lunch with a close buddy
❑ Dining out
❑ Traveling to the mountains
❑ Working
❑ Playing hockey
❑ Discussing literature; attending a book club
❑ Working with clay or pottery
❑ Sightseeing
❑ Glassblowing
❑ Getting a manicure/pedicure or facial
❑ Skiing
❑ Visiting a beauty salon
❑ Dressing up
❑ Coffee and the morning newspaper
❑ Reflecting on my personal growth
❑ Participating in tennis
❑ Kissing
❑ Observing my children (play)
❑ Purchasing small items for myself (perfume, golf balls, etc.)
❑ Communicating through phone
❑ Thinking, "I have more going for me than most people."
❑ Visiting museums
❑ Considering religious ideas
❑ Attending performances and concerts
❑ Light candlesticks
❑ Indulging in Daydreams
❑ Canoeing/rafting on whitewater
❑ Planning to return to school
❑ Going bowling
❑ Considering sexuality Engaging in woodworking
❑ Going for a drive.
❑ Speculating about the future
❑ Refurbishment of furniture
❑ Taking ballet/tap-dancing classes
❑ TV Viewing
❑ Debating
❑ Making lists of duties
❑ While seated at a sidewalk café
❑Hiking in the woods (or at the water's edge)
❑ Having an aquarium
❑ Participating in historical "living" events
❑ Buying presents
❑ Knitting
❑ Task Completion
❑ Completing crosswords
❑ Attending a sporting event (car racing, horse racing) as a spectator
❑ Educating
❑ Pool shooting
❑ Receiving a massage
❑ Expressing "I love you."
❑ Fishing
❑ Basketball shooting
❑ Considering favorable events
❑ Viewing or displaying photographs
❑ Maintaining a diet
❑ Reflecting on my positive traits
❑ Animal-Based Recreation
❑ Mentally solving problems
❑ Flying a plane
❑ Having a political discussion
❑. Fiction reading
❑ Buying books
❑ Taking a sauna or a steam bath
❑ Expressing my affection for someone
❑ Perusing garage sales

OceanofPDF.com
❑ Going on field trips, nature walks,
❑ Considering starting a family traveling (hiking in unfamiliar
territory)
❑ Pondering joyful occasions along my journeys
❑ Collecting natural things (forest edibles or foraging for fruit and
driftwood)
❑ Riding a horse
❑ Visiting the city center or a retail mall
❑ Attempting something novel
❑ Visiting a fair, carnival, circus, or zoo
❑ Putting together jigsaw puzzles
❑ Playing cards
❑ Going to the library
❑ Thinking, "I'm an adaptable individual."
❑ Forming or joining a band
❑ Napping
❑ Learning something new
❑ Determining my favorite perfume
❑ Listening to the sounds of nature
❑ Making a card and gifting it to someone I care about
❑ Gazing at the moon or stars with someone
❑ Outdoor work (cutting or chopping
❑ Texting/IMing someone I care about

Activity 5: Accumulating Positive Emotions: Long Term


The long-term accumulation of good feelings contributes to a "life
worth living."
Step 1. Avoid avoiding.
Start doing what is necessary to create the life you desire immediately.
If you are unsure what to do, please follow the instructions below. That is,
adjust your life so that future events will be favorable.

Step 2: Determine your most significant values.


QUESTION: What values are truly essential to me?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Examples: Be productive; participate in a group; treat others with
respect; maintain physical fitness.

Step 3. Identify one value to focus on at this time.


WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME TO WORK ON
RIGHT NOW?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: Be productive.

Step 4: Identify a few objectives associated with this value.


WHAT Specific Objectives Can I Pursue to Make This Value a Part of
My Life?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Examples:
Obtain a position where I can contribute to society.
Be more active in doing essential household activities.
Find a volunteer position that utilizes my existing skills.

Step 5: Choose one objective to work on now.


Using pros and drawbacks, if necessary, choose an immediate objective
to pursue.
Get a job where I can contribute to society.

Step 6: Identify tiny steps toward your objective.


What simple actions may I take to reach my objective?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Examples: Visit locations and search the Internet for job openings in my
neighborhood.
Submit applications for jobs at my desired employers.
Write résumé.
Check out the benefits offered by potential employers.

Step 7. Now, take one action step.


Example: Search online for employment opportunities in my
neighborhood.

Activity 6: Figuring Out What my Emotions are Doing for Me


Choose a current or recent emotional response and complete as much of
this sheet as possible. If the motivating Event for the emotion you are
working on is another emotion that occurred first (for example, fear
triggered anger at yourself), complete a second worksheet for that emotion.
Use the reverse side of the sheet if necessary.
Names of Emotion: Shame and Guilt
INTENSITY (0–100): 80
Causing Event
• What occurred to cause this emotion?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: I left my roommate's pot on the stove and promptly forgot
about it. I broke it. I subsequently discarded the pot without informing my
roommate.

• What action was I motivated and prepared to take by my emotion?


(Was there a difficulty I was motivated to address, overcome, or avoid by
my emotions?) What purpose or function did my feelings serve?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: My emotion drove me to withdraw from my friend and
conceal myself. The purpose probably was to convince me to alter my
conduct. However, the emotion also motivated me to conceal that I had
broken the pot.
To convince my friend to cease being angry with me.

Interaction with Others


• What was the expression on my face? Posture? Gestures? Words?
Actions?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: My eyes were looking down. My lips were retracted. I was
somewhat slouched and slightly turned away from my pal. However, I did
not say anything. Instead, I placed my hands on top of my head.

• What message did my emotion convey to others, even though I did not
mean to do so?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
For example, I believe my friend sensed that I was sad.

• How did my mood affect others (even if I had no intention of doing


so)? What did others say in response to my emotional display or actions?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: My friend attempted to get me to speak. I believe that caused
her to stop yelling at me and become more courteous.

Conversation with Myself


1) What did my feelings tell me?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Ex: My actions were unethical. I feel horrible since I let my pal down. I
have seriously messed up, and she will never trust or like me again.

2) What evidence might I examine to confirm that the information my


emotions sent me was accurate?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Example: I may question myself if my actions will result in expulsion
from my home or friendship. I could determine if my actions violated my
wise/clear thinking, moral code, or principles. I could inquire, "Have I
ruined the relationship?" Is she planning to evict me? Why don't you stop
spending time with me? I may also inquire what I could do to regain her
trust.

3) What facts have I investigated


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Ex: I felt horrible about burning the pot, but it did not become a moral
or value issue until I attempted to conceal the fact that I had done it. This
behavior was contrary to my Wise Mind. I asked my roommate if she still
disliked me, and she responded no. I inquired if there was anything I could
do to help, and she instructed me to get a new pot, which I did.
Activity 7: Opposite Action to Change Emotions
Choose a painful or undesirable emotional reaction from the present or
recent past. Determine whether the emotion matches the facts. If it does not,
observe your action impulses, determine what negative actions would be,
and then perform the opposite activities. Always remember to practice the
opposite action. Describe the occurrence.
EMOTION NAME:
INTENSITY (0–100) Before:
After:
EVENT CAUSING MY EMOTION (who, what, when, and where):
What caused the emotion?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
IS MY EMOTION JUSTIFIED (in terms of its strength or duration)?
Does it fit the evidence? Is it efficient?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Indicate which facts support the emotion and which do not. Then, check
the largely right response.
Justified
Not Justified
• JUSTIFIED: Proceed to the problem-solving phase
• NOT JUSTIFIED: Continue
ACTION URGES: What do I feel like doing or saying?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
OPPOSITE ACTION: What activities oppose my inclinations? What am
I failing to do due to my emotions? Describe what and how to act contrary
to the entire circumstance.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
WHAT I did: Describe in detail.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
HOW I did it: Body language, facial expression, posture, gestures, and
ideas should be described.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

What EFFECTS did the opposite action have on me (my mental state,
other emotions, behavior, ideas, memories, body, etc.)?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Day 4: Distress Tolerance


Activity 1: Using Cold Water
COLD WATER CAN WORK WONDERS*
When you submerge your face in cold water or place a plastic bag with
cold water on your eyes and upper cheekbones while holding your breath,
your brain interprets this as scuba diving.
This results in the "dive response" (Startup may require 15–30 seconds.)
As a result, your heart rate decreases,
blood flow to non-essential organs decreases,
and blood flow is diverted to your brain and heart.
This response can assist with emotional regulation.
This will be helpful as a distress tolerance method when experiencing a
disturbing mood or when you have very intense cravings to engage in risky
conduct.
(This method is most effective when the subject is seated calmly;
movement and distraction may diminish its effectiveness.)
TAKE IT FOR A TEST!
Write down your observations in your journal.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 2: Effective Rethinking and Paired Relaxation


Step 1. Write down the triggering Event frequently associated with
distressing emotions and for which you wish to reduce your emotional
responses.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Step 2. Ask yourself, "What must I be telling myself (i.e., what are my
interpretations and thoughts) about the experience causing me such distress
and arousal?" Put these in writing.
Examples: "He despises me" and "This is intolerable!" "I cannot do
this," "I will never succeed," and "I am out of control!"
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Step 3: Reconsider the circumstance and its significance to
counterbalance the thoughts and interpretations causing stress and painful
feelings. Replace stressful thoughts with as many productive thoughts as
possible as you consider the scenario.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Step 4. When you are not in a stressful provoking situation, practice
picturing it:
• While inhaling, say an effective self-statement;
• While exhaling, say "Relax" and deliberately relax all your muscles.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Continue practicing whenever possible until you have mastered the
strategy.
When a stressful circumstance arises, employ effective brainstorming
and relaxation techniques.

Activity 3: Distracting
These skills can be remembered via the phrase "Wise Mind ACCEPTS."
With Activities:
Concentrate on a necessary task to be completed.
For example, rent films; watch television.
Clean one of your rooms.
Find an event to attend.
Play video games. Go for a walk—exercise versus Internet surfing.
Write e-mails.
Engage in sports.
Dine out or consume a favorite food.
Call a friend or hang out with them.
Play your iPod and download songs.
Construct something.
Devote time to your children.
Play card games.
Read periodicals, books, and comics.
Do crossword puzzles or Sudoku.
With Contributing:
Seek out volunteer opportunities.
Assist a friend or relative.
Call or send an instant message to encourage or simply greet someone.
Impress someone with something pleasant (a card, a favor, a hug).
Donate items you do not need.
Create something good for someone else. Be considerate.
With Comparisons:
Compare your current state of mind to a moment when you felt
otherwise.
Consider others who are coping as well or worse than you.
Compare yourself to less fortunate individuals.
Watch reality shows about other people's problems; read about
catastrophes and other people's pain.
With various Emotions:
Read emotive novels, short tales, and old letters.
View emotive television programs; visit emotional movies.
Listen to affecting music.
(Ensure that the Event evokes many emotions.)
Ideas: frightful films, joke books, comedies, amusing records, religious
music, calming music, music that revs you up, visiting a store, and reading
humorous greeting cards
With Pushing away:
By leaving the issue for some time, you can push it away.
Leave the situation in your mind.
Create a mental barrier between yourself and the issue.
Prevent thoughts and images from entering your head.
Observe ruminating: Shout "No!"
Refuse to consider the uncomfortable circumstances.
Place the suffering on a shelf. Put it in a box and store it for a while.
Deny the issue for the time being.
With other Thoughts:
Count to 10;
count the colors of a painting, poster, or the sky; count anything.
Repeat the lyrics of a song in your head.
Solve riddles.
Watch television or read a book.
With Other Sensations:
Squeeze a rubber ball with great force.
Play really loud music.
Hold ice in your mouth or hand.
Brave the rain or snow.
Take a shower, hot or cold.

Activity 4: Self-Soothing
Consider calming each of your FIVE SENSES as a strategy to recall
these abilities.
Sight:
Observe the stars at night.
In a book, view images that you enjoy.
Purchase one lovely flower.
Make one area of a room visually appealing.
For example, lighting a candle and observing its flame.
Decorate each place setting with your finest items.
Observe individuals or do window shopping.
Visit a museum or poster shop containing amazing artwork.
Relax in the lobby of an elegant antique hotel.
Observe the nature around you.
Stroll through a beautiful section of town.
Observe a sunrise or sunset.
Attend a dancing performance or view it on television.
Be aware of each sight that crosses your path.
Take a park stroll or picturesque trek.
Visit stores while looking at items.
Hearing:
Listen to soothing or energizing music with
Create a CD or iPod mix with music to help you through difficult times.
Start it up.
Listen to the sounds of nature (waves, birds, rainfall, leaves rustling).
Listen carefully to the noises of the city (traffic, horns, city music).
Sing your preferred songs.
Hum a calming melody.
Learn a musical instrument.
Be aware of all incoming sounds and let them pass through one ear and
out the other.
Tune the radio in.
Smell:
Use your preferred soap, shampoo, aftershave, cologne, or lotion, or try
them on at the store.
Burn incense or a fragrant candle.
Open a coffee box and absorb the aroma.
Put lemon oil over your furniture.
Place a dish of potpourri or eucalyptus oil in your room.
Sit in a brand-new automobile and inhale the scent.
Boil cinnamon.
Prepare cookies, bread, and popcorn.
Smell the roses.
While strolling through a wooded area, mindfully inhale the odors of
nature.
Open the window and inhale the fresh air.
Taste:
Eat some of your favorite foods.
Eat your calming drink of choice, such as herbal tea, hot cocoa, a latté,
or a smoothie.
Give yourself a sweet treat.
Suck on a peppermint candy.
Chew your preferred gum.
Get a small amount of an expensive food you don't typically purchase,
such as freshly-squeezed orange juice or your favorite confectionery.
Eat macaroni and cheese or another childhood favorite.
Sample ice cream flavors in a store.
Taste the food thoroughly.
Eat one item attentively.
Touch:
Take a lengthy, hot shower or bath.
Pet your cat or dog.
Enjoy a massage.
Soak one's feet.
Apply a rich lotion to your entire body.
Apply an ice pack to your forehead.
Drive with the car's windows down.
Run your hand along wood or leather that is smooth.
Hug someone.
Change the linens on the bed.
Wrap up in a blanket.
At home, sink into a plush chair.
Put on a blouse or shirt with a comfortable feel.
Take note of relaxing touches.

Activity 5: Improving the Moment


The term IMPROVE can be used to remember these skills.
Imagery:
Visualize extremely calming scenes.
Imagine a hidden chamber within oneself. Furnish it as you see fit. Lock
the door on anything that could harm you.
Imagine if everything went fine.
Create a relaxing world of fantasy.
Imagine negative emotions flowing out of you like water through a
conduit.
Recall a good occasion and visualize yourself in it again; relive the
moment in your thoughts.
Meaning:
Discover purpose or significance in a hard circumstance.
Concentrate on whatever positive qualities of an unpleasant
circumstance you can identify.
Repetition of these good qualities is recommended.
Consider, hear, and read about spiritual values.
Prayer
When you pray, open your heart to a superior entity, God, or your Wise
Mind.
Request strength to endure the suffering.
Entrust matters to God or a higher power.
Relaxing activities:
Take a hot bath or soak in a hot tub.
Drink hot milk.
Lie down in a warm bed.
Massage your scalp and neck.
Engage in yoga or other stretches.
Take a deep breath.
Modify your face features
One thing in the present:
Give your complete attention to what you are doing.
Remain present in the present.
Remain in the current moment.
Concentrate completely on the physical
Listen to an audio recording on sensory awareness.
Vacation:
Treat yourself to a short getaway.
Bring a blanket to the park and spend the entire afternoon sitting on it.
Then, climb into bed and pull the blankets over your head.
Spend the day at the beach or in the woods. Obtain a magazine and read
it while eating chocolates.
Turn your phone off for a day.
Take a 1-hour break from your labors.
Take a quick break from your responsibilities.
Self-Encouragement and rethinking the situation:
Encourage yourself: "Go, girl!" "You da man!"
"I will get through this."
"I'm putting up my best effort."
Iterate repeatedly: "I can handle it."
"Everything will pass,"
"I'll be fine."
"This will not endure forever."
List (and then practice) thoughts that are particularly crucial in your
crises (e.g., "His failure to pick me up does not mean he does not love me"):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 6: Sensory Awareness


Find a position of comfort. Listen to the questions below, waiting for
your response after each question while maintaining this stance. If you do
not have a recording of these questions, you can create one (or ask a friend
to create one) by recording each question with approximately 5 seconds in
between each question.
• Do you feel your hair brushing against your head?
• Can you feel your stomach expand and contract as you breathe?
• Are you able to feel the distance between your eyes?
• Are you able to perceive the space between your ears?
• While inhaling, can you feel your breath reaching the back of your
eyes?
• Can you visualize anything distant?
• Do you observe that your arms are touching your body?
• Are you able to feel the soles of your feet?
• Can you envision a nice beach day?
• Are you aware of the space in your mouth?
• Are you aware of your tongue's position in your mouth?
• Do you sense a breeze on your cheek?
• Are you able to perceive that one arm is heavier than the other?
• Do you have tingling or numbness in one of your hands?
• Are you able to discern that one arm is more relaxed than the other?
• Can you detect a change in the surrounding air temperature?
• Are you able to perceive that your left arm is warmer than your right?
• Can you fathom the sensation of being a rag doll?
• Do you feel any tension in your left forearm?
• Are you able to visualize anything particularly pleasant?
• Can you envision how it might feel to float on a cloud?
• Can you imagine being stuck in a treacle?
• Can you visualize anything distant?
• Do you experience heaviness in your legs?
• Can you picture yourself adrift in warm water?
• Are you aware that your body hangs from your bones?
• Are you able to let yourself float lazily?
• Do you feel your face softening?
• Can you envision a lovely flower?
• Are you able to perceive that one arm and leg is heavier than the
other?
Write your response to each question down in your journal.

Day 5: Consolidation
We live in a world full of rules and ways we are supposed to do things.
Yet, despite this, there are moments when there is that little part in our
minds that always wants to break free, telling us to do things differently.
And I know that the voice is louder in some of you.
Today is the day that we listen to that little voice and give ourselves the
satisfaction of finally being free to do the things we want, the way we want
them. But doing so does not mean that we disregard everything. On the
contrary, we need to consider our safety at all times - after all, the goal is to
have a satisfying and fulfilling life - and getting into trouble is not fulfilling.
Also, please keep in mind to observe the events of the day and write
them down in your journal. And please do not be frustrated if you cannot
feel as satisfied or fulfilled as expected. You have only just begun your
journey. Keep going!

Day 6: Weekly Evaluation


The Weekly Regulator Logsheet is mostly a reminder system to assist
with this. Here are the abilities you will emphasize:
_ Managing physical vulnerability
_ Managing cognitive vulnerability
_ Recognizing and recalling positive occurrences
_ Monitoring and embracing emotions
Every Sunday night, the Weekly Regulator Logsheet should be filled
out. Make numerous photocopies and reflect on the abilities you've applied
throughout the past week.
Mark the appropriate spaces to indicate when your talents were utilized.
Positive Events This Week
Monday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Tuesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Wednesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3.. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Thursday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Friday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Saturday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Sunday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________

Day 7: Rest Day


You do not have to do anything for today. You may revisit an old hobby
or maybe go to places you have always wanted. You may also just sit on the
couch and binge-watch that TV series you have always wanted to watch.
The point of this day is to have a rest, away from what bothered you during
the week, away from your work and your source of stress.
But while you take the day off, try to observe and notice your behavior
and perception of things. Then, try to look back and write your observations
in your journal. You may have taken a break from the activities, but you
must at least try to write in your journal.

Addictions
The first step in conquering addiction is to get an understanding of it.
Addiction occurs when an individual engages in a behavior despite its
negative repercussions. Despite considerable negative effects, a fixation
with the activity and a lack of control over it indicates addiction.
Typically, addictive behaviors involve rapid gratification or reward
followed by delayed expenses and harm. Such as:
Alcohol or drug abuse
Excessive eating or addiction to certain foods (e.g., sugar, fast food)
Spending money/shopping
Gambling
Toxic Relationships
Exercise
Internet usage
Sex and pornography
Frequently, individuals with addictive behaviors experience tolerance
and reliance. Tolerance indicates that increasing amounts of the addictive
substance or action are required to provide the desired effect. In contrast,
dependence indicates that diminishing or quitting an addictive behavior
results in withdrawal symptoms. Some withdrawal symptoms, such as
weariness, vomiting, and energy loss, are physical, while others are
psychological and emotional. All withdrawals are uncomfortable or painful,
rendering the individual susceptible to relapse.
Stopping an addictive behavior is difficult and frequently involves the
assistance of a professional or a solid and supportive support network. It is
difficult to forego immediate advantages, face withdrawal and other
repercussions, and reach out to others. In addition, during the initial stages
of a shift, you may not recognize or admit that you have a problem.
Refer to the Addiction Checklist worksheet to assess your situation.
Complete a Pros and Cons evaluation (see Distress Tolerance module)
to examine the benefits and drawbacks of engaging in the habit if you have
doubts about whether it constitutes an addiction.
Educate yourself about the physical, psychological, emotional,
relational, and financial risks and costs of the substance or activity.
Try a period of abstinence from the addicted behavior.
Be amenable to professional examination and assistance.
Even for the most "hopeless" addicts, recovery from addiction is
possible. You can heal if you choose to, make a plan, seek and accept
support from others, and take recovery one day (or moment) at a time. Start
by being honest with yourself and others, practicing your skills to construct
a new life, and acknowledging that recovery is a daily commitment for most
individuals (perhaps including you!)
Addictions Checklist
Use this checklist to determine whether you struggle with addictive
behavior.
People with addiction show many different signs and symptoms. First,
review this list and take an inventory of each behavior and concern related
to your life. Then, check each item that applies to your addictive behavior.
Remember that an honest self-assessment is essential to change addictive
behavior.
( ) Difficulty stopping the behavior: Your attempts to stop the behavior
have been unsuccessful.
( ) Withdrawal symptoms:
You experience physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms when
coming off the behavior. These symptoms might include:
cravings
disturbances with appetite and sleep
moodiness and anger
attention and concentration problems
At an extreme, you may experience:
trembling
sweating
seizures
hallucinations
even a medical emergency with certain addictive behaviors.
( ) Health problems: You continue to engage in the behavior even when
it puts you at
risk of or causes health problems.
( ) Legal trouble: You have been arrested or have had other legal
consequences as a
result of your behavior.

( ) Large doses and excessive engagement in the behavior: You take a


large dose
of a substance to "get started," or you engage in a behavior extremely.
( ) Keeping a supply or hidden "stashes": You maintain a supply or hide
away substances, pornography, food, or other items in various parts of
your home,
office, or car.
( ) Needing the addictive behavior to cope: You feel unable to deal with
the ups
and downs of life without substances or addictive behavior.
( ) Preoccupation: You find yourself constantly thinking about and
planning to engage in
the addictive behavior.
( ) Hobbies and activities decrease: You decrease or stop engaging in
hobbies and
activities you used to enjoy. The addictive behavior has crowded out
healthy and
fun activities you used to prioritize.
( ) Missing out: You choose not to participate in activities in which you
cannot also
engage in your addictive behavior.
( ) Risk-taking: You put yourself in dangerous situations as a result of
the addictive
behavior.
( ) Secrecy and isolation: You hide your behavior and participate in it
alone.
( ) Minimizing and denial: You downplay the effects of your addictive
behavior on
yourself and others or even outright deny the possibility that your
behavior is a
problem.
( ) Financial difficulties: Paying for your addictive behavior causes
strain on your or
someone else's finances.
( ) Relationship problems: You have conflicts with other people about
your
addictive behavior.

Day 1: Mindfulness
Activity 1: Clear Mind
Three mental states that complement the Emotion Mind, the Reason
Mind, and the Wise Mind can facilitate recovery for those suffering from
addictive behavior. These are the Addiction Mind, Clean Mind, and Clear
Mind states of mind.
When individuals are still using or in the initial phases of change, they
are locked in what is known as Addiction Mind. This mental state is
preoccupied with desires and urges to engage in addictive behavior.
Addiction Mind leaves the door open to substance abuse, and those with
this state of mind are focused on planning and executing their conduct. In
addition, the addiction Mind is skewed and prevents people from seeing the
repercussions of their actions, making them willing to deceive themselves
and others in pursuit of their addiction. According to conventional treatment
procedures, the Addiction Mind resembles denial or ambivalence over
leaving up addictions.
Once a person has achieved sobriety through treatment or other means,
they may be unable to escape what is known as Clear Mind. This mental
state is exemplified by a "treatment high" in which the individual rapidly
advances yet ignores underlying difficulties, increasing the likelihood of
relapse.
"Clear Mind" is characterized by a lack of awareness of warning
signals, triggers, and environmental cues of addictive behavior, a lack of
proactivity, and insufficient relapse prevention planning. On the other hand,
people in Clean Mind may also believe they have sufficient behavioral
control to hang out with friends and in places where addictions are active or
even to return to "moderate" engagement in their addictive behavior.
As with Wise Mind, our ultimate goal is to reach Clear Mind. Clear
Mind is comparable to the receptive state of long-term healing compared to
typical therapy methods. In Clear Mind, powerful emotions and drives are
acknowledged and respected without judgment, and people are proactive
and develop appropriate preparations for handling them. However, a clear
Mind has no illusions about how relapse and slipping back into old
behaviors can occur discreetly and without awareness in the absence of
proper mindfulness practice, self-care, and utilization of resources.
Remembering the path to Clear Mind entails decreasing participation in
addictive behavior, establishing sobriety, managing bodily and
psychological discomfort, coping effectively with impulses, and preventing
relapse while developing life-enhancing abilities.
Even after many years of abstinence, the continual practice of
successful behaviors occurs moment by moment, day by day, in Clear
Mind.
Try to exercise Clear Mind today using the steps in Mindfulness from
the previous sections in this book. Take note of your experience and the
length of every time you try to do it.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 2: One Moment at a Time


An old saying in treatment programs states that a person may not know
how to abstain from the behavior for a year (or longer) but does know how
to abstain for a day (or less). Whether working on abstinence or simply
attempting to endure something difficult, time and progress are more
bearable when viewed in little increments, moment by moment.
Put the commitment you are attempting to make into a workable time
range. Then, when this timeframe expires, commit to the subsequent term
that is manageable. Over time, you can connect these minor achievements
to ongoing success. For instance:
On a challenging day, resolve to abstain from alcohol and drugs for one
hour or less at a time.
Refrain from attempting suicide or engaging in self-harm between
professional appointments.
Dedicate yourself to practice skills in 10-minute intervals.
Decide to postpone confrontation until the next day (if you lack the
necessary skills)
Commit to attending treatment one week at a time.
As you attempt to regulate symptoms, impulses, and behaviors within
shorter timeframes, continue practicing other skills and engaging in
behaviors that will build the life you desire. Remember that one moment at
a time is most effective when you are not watching the clock.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 3: Non-judgmental Stance (NJS), Self-Acceptance, and


Change
By judging oneself or others, no one has ever conquered the symptoms
of mental illness or addictive habits. In actuality, harsh judgments
exacerbate problems and ensure that individuals remain mired in ineffective
loops and habits. Evaluations impede change.
The majority of the time, judgments distort our perception of reality,
preventing us from continuing to evaluate the facts and keeping us in a state
of heightened emotions and stress. Without a meaningful connection to our
larger aims and beliefs, we turn to our reactive and unproductive ways of
coping with life when we are in a judgmental mind.
Being non-judgmental does not imply avoiding responsibility for
decisions. On the contrary, accepting responsibility for one's errors and for
slipping into old habits is essential.
Staying non-judgmental implies that as soon as you experience a SLIP
(Skills Learning Improves Progress) into addictive behavior or symptoms of
mental illness, you immediately attempt to learn from it and make the
necessary changes, avoiding self-criticism, which can be a vulnerability to
engaging in ineffective behavior. A non-judgmental approach enables you to
produce a positive from a negative rationally.
Self-acceptance requires the development of a non-judgmental attitude.
Self-acceptance entails recognizing, without criticism, who you are right
now, with all of your flaws and inadequacies. When you accept yourself,
you are liberated from battling your true self. Self-acceptance is not
resignation; it is a process that frees your psychological resources for the
possibility of change.
Acceptance triggers change and changes itself, enabling you to achieve
a higher quality of life.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 4: Bridge-Burning
1. Describe how the Bridge-Burning skill can be applied to negative
behavior (e.g., self-injury, drinking or drug use, spending, promiscuous sex,
overeating). Specify how the means to act will be eliminated:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
2. Describe the new behaviors and talents you'll employ to replace the
old ones:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
3. Describe how you and others will gain from effective Bridge-Burning
(e.g., how you and others will feel, how it will improve your self-respect
and any other practical advantages):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

4. Describe how your life will change once you have severed ties with
your damaging behavior(s):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 5: Observing and Describing the Effects of Addictive


Behavior
People's lives are impacted in a variety of ways by addictive behaviors.
This exercise aims to heighten your awareness of your behavior's negative
effects on several aspects of your life. Observe and describe the effects your
addictive conduct has on other people who have shown concern for you if
you are unsure or do not believe that your addictive behavior causes you
problems. Additionally, "fast-forward" and Observe and Describe your (or
others') concerns about the long-term effects of your addictive behavior.
To complete this activity, utilize material from your therapist(s),
program participants, books, the Internet, and discussions. If you are
uncertain about the accuracy of the material you uncover, be sure to conduct
additional research and see a professional (e.g., a therapist, physician, or
another expert).
Note that this exercise applies to all addictive and problem behaviors,
including alcohol and drug use, persistent suicidal behaviors, self-injury,
gambling, overeating, and any other habits that result in negative outcomes.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 6: Taking Hold of Your Mind: "What" Skills


OBSERVE
Notice your body sensations(coming through your eyes, ears, nose, skin,
and tongue).
Pay attention on purpose to the present moment.
Control your attention, but not what you see.
Push away nothing.
Cling to nothing.
Practice wordless watching: Watch thoughts come into your mind and
let them slip right by like clouds in the sky.
Notice each feeling, rising and falling, like waves in the ocean.
Observe both inside and outside yourself.
DESCRIBE
Put words on the experience. When a feeling or thought arises, or you
do something,
acknowledge it. For example, say in your mind, "Sadness has just
enveloped me," or "Stomach muscle tightening,
The thought, "I can't do this," has come into my mind.
Label what you observe. Put a name on your feelings. Label a thought
as just a thought, a feeling
as just a feeling, an action as just an action.
Unglue your interpretations and opinions of the facts. Describe the
"who, what, when, and where" you observe. Just the facts.
Remember, If you can't observe it through your senses, you can't
describe it.
PARTICIPATE
Throw yourself completely into activities of the current moment. Do not
separate yourself from what is happening at the moment (dancing, cleaning,
talking to a friend, feeling happy or sad).
Become one with whatever you are doing, completely forgetting
yourself. Instead, throw your attention to the moment.
Act intuitively from Wise Mind. Do what is needed in each situation—a
skillful dancer on the dance floor, one with the music and your partner,
without willful nor sitting on your hands.
Go with the flow. Respond with spontaneity.

Activity 7: COMING BACK TO YOUR SENSES


Remember that observing means bringing your attention to the body
and mind's feelings.
Observe using your eyes:
❑ Lie on the ground and observe the clouds in the sky.
❑ While strolling and stopping at a vantage point, observe flowers,
trees, and nature.
❑ Sit outside. Observe the people and objects in front of you without
following them with your head or gaze.
❑ Observe another person's facial expression and motions. Avoid
labeling the individual's emotions, opinions, or interests.
Focus on another individual's eyes, lips, or hands (or just one feature of
an animal).
❑ Pick up a flower, a stone, or a leaf. Examine it carefully, attempting
to discern every aspect.
❑ Find something wonderful to contemplate, and do so for a few
minutes.
Observe sounds:
❑ Pause for a while and simply listen.
❑ Consider the texture and form of the noises surrounding you.
❑ Consider the spaces between the sounds.
❑ Listen to the pitch of the voice, the smoothness or roughness of the
sounds, the clarity or mumbling of the speech, and the gaps between the
words if someone is speaking.
❑While listening to music, observe each note and the gaps between
them.
❑ Then, try breathing the noises into your body and releasing them on
your exhale.
Observe the smells surrounding you:
❑ While inhaling, observe the odors around you.
❑ Bring an object close to your nose and observe the odors. Remove it
and then observe the odors again. Do they remain?
❑ When eating, observe the aroma of the food; when cooking, observe
the aroma of the spices or other ingredients; when bathing, smell the soap
or shampoo; when strolling outside, observe the aroma of the air; when near
flowers, kneel and "smell the roses."
Observe taste and the act of eating:
❑ When putting food in your mouth, focus on the flavor.
❑ Retain it in your mouth and focus on the various flavor sensations.
❑ Lick a lollipop or another item. Observe the taste sensation alone.
❑ Consume a meal, or even a portion of a meal, mindful of the flavor of
each mouthful.
Observe urges to do something:
❑ "Urge -surf" by picturing that your impulses are a surfboard and that
you are standing on the board and riding the waves when you feel the urge
to do something impulsive.
❑ Observe any urge to avoid someone or something.
❑ Examine your entire body and become aware of the sensations.
Where is the urge located?
❑ For example, observe when you feel the impulse to swallow when
you are chewing.
Observe the feelings on your skin:
❑ Run your fingertip across your upper lip.
Stop stroking and see how long it takes until you can no longer feel
your upper lip.
❑ Be aware of the sensations of walking, including your feet striking
the ground and rising and falling. Occasionally, walk leisurely and observe.
Occasionally walk extremely quickly and observe.
❑ When seated, be mindful of your thighs on the chair. Also, take note
of the slant of your knees and back.
❑ Pay close attention to anything that touches you.
❑ Attempt to sense your feet in your shoes and your body against your
clothing.
❑ Touch your arms to a chair.
❑ Become aware of the sensations in your hands.
❑ Touch something, such as a wall, fabric, tabletop, animal, piece of
fruit, or person.
❑ Observe the texture of the objects you touch and the sensations on
your skin.
Try it again with a different body part.
❑ Recall the sensations once more.
❑Pay close attention to the sensations in your chest, abdomen, or
shoulders.
❑ Concentrate on the area of your body where you feel constricted or
tense.
❑ Direct your focus to the space between your eyes.
Observe your breathing:
❑ Focus your attention on the following while you breathe steadily and
gently: The movement of your stomach.
❑ As you inhale, allow your abdomen to lift to bring air into the bottom
lobes of your lungs.
❑ Your chest begins to rise as the upper halves of your lungs begin to
fill with air.
❑ Observe your abdomen as you exhale, followed by your chest. Do
not exhaust yourself.
❑ The intervals between your breaths.
Observe the brief moment when you inhale your lungs filled with air.
As you exhale, observe the small delay at the end of your exhalation.
❑ The sensations in your nose during inhalation and exhalation.
As you breathe, close your lips and inhale through your nose, observing
the sensations that go up and down your nostrils.
❑ Your breathing is when you move slowly and Inhale and exhale
naturally.
Determine the duration of your breath, including exhale and inhalation,
by counting your steps. Continue for some time.
Start by extending your exhale by one step. Do not force an inhalation
to be longer. Let it be natural.
Observe your inhalation to determine if you wish to lengthen it
Now, extend the exhale by an additional step.
Observe whether or not the inhale lengthens by one step.
Only lengthen the inhalation if you feel comfortable doing so.
After 20 breaths, resume regular breathing.
❑ You are breathing while listening to music.
Take deep, even, and soft breaths.
Follow your breath; be its master while keeping conscious of the flow
and emotions of the song.
Do not become lost in the music; maintain control of your breath and
yourself.
❑ While listening to a friend's comments and responding to them, you
hold your breath. ❑ But, continue with music as is.
Observe the entrance and exit of your thoughts:
❑ Observe your thoughts as they enter your head.
Ask, "From where do thoughts originate?"
Observe them and determine where they originate in your mind.
❑ Then, as you become aware of thoughts, observe the gaps between
each thought.
Imagine your mind to be the sky and your thoughts to be clouds.
Observe each passing thought cloud, allowing it to float in and out of
your consciousness.
Visualize your thoughts as leaves floating down a stream, boats drifting
past on a lake, or trains passing by.
When your thoughts are consumed with anxiety, focus on the feelings in
your body (those most intense right now). Observe, while focusing on your
physical sensations, how long it takes for your worries to evaporate.
❑ Place yourself at a distance from your mind, as if you were on top of
a mountain and your mind was a boulder below.
Observe your mind and the thoughts that arise as you observe it.
Recollect your thoughts before you stop.
Observe the initial two thoughts that enter your mind.
❑ Imagine that your mind is a: Conveyor belt and that your thoughts
and emotions are traveling down it.
Put each thought or emotion in a box, place them on a conveyor belt,
and let them pass.
You are sorting your thoughts and emotions as they travel down the
conveyor belt.
Label the incoming thoughts or emotions (e.g., anxious thoughts,
thoughts about my history, thoughts about my mother, ideas about planning
what to do, angry feelings, sad feelings).
Place them in neighboring boxes for later use.
❑ River, and that one's thoughts and emotions are boats navigating a
river.
Imagine sitting on the lawn and observing passing vessels.
Describe or label each passing boat.
Avoid jumping aboard the boat.
❑ Railroad track and that thoughts and emotions are passing trains.
Describe or name each item as they pass.
Attempt not to board the train.
Observe through increasing consciousness:
❑ As you inhale, observe your breath. Keeping your breath in mind,
observe your hands on the next breath. Then, while retaining both in your
mind, widen your focus to sounds on your next breath.
Maintain awareness of all three at the same time.
Rehearse this awareness of threes at different times, choosing
alternative items to be mindful of.
Maintaining attention to the task at hand broadens your awareness to
include the surrounding area.
❑ Hug a tree and experience the embrace's sensations.
As you lie in bed, attend to the embrace of the sheets, blankets, or
comforters around you.
Do this when feeling lonely and desiring to be loved or loved.
The mind must be open to the senses.
Exercise strolling with your senses as wide open as possible.
Take note of what you see, hear, and feel.
Consider how you feel when you shift your weight between steps.
Observe your physical sensations as you turn.
❑ Pause throughout a meal with a spoonful or forkful of food for one
mouthful.
Observe, smell, and listen to the food you're about to consume. Then,
when prepared, place it in your mouth.
Take note of the flavor, texture, temperature, and even the sound your
teeth make as you gently chew your mouthful.
Observe the alterations in flavor, texture, temperature, and sound as you
chew the food until its completion.
❑ Concentrate your attention on each sensation that arises in your
mind.
Pay attention to the sensations of sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste, and
thoughts.
Observe sensations as they manifest and as they dissipate.
Focus your mind on each sensation as it occurs.
Observe each experience with curiosity and acceptance. Analyze the
distinctiveness of each sensation.
❑ Be here. Be in the current moment.
Take time to observe each of your senses.
Make a statement to yourself regarding each sense: "I feel the chair; the
chair feels me."
"The heating hears me, and I hear it" "The wall sees me, and I see it."
"My stomach grumbles; it hears me."
When a sensation arises within you, acknowledge it by stating, "A
feeling of melancholy is arising within me."
When a thought arises within you, observe it by stating, for instance,
"The thought 'It is hot inside' is arising within me."
❑ Practice the "nothing-to-do" mind for just a moment.
Let yourself become conscious of your present experience, recognizing
sensations and surroundings.
❑ Discover a little, hand-sized object. Place it on a table or your lap in
front of you.
Observe it, first without moving it, then by taking it up and spinning it
around, observing it from all angles and lighting conditions. Observe the
shapes, colors, sizes, and other observable qualities.
Then, shift your attention to your hands and fingers contacting the
object. Observe the sensations of touching the object, including its texture,
temperature, and feel.
Place the item down. Close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths in and
out.
Then, with the mindset of a newbie, open your eyes. Observe the object
anew with new eyesight. Open to experiencing new textures and feelings,
examine the object with your hands and fingers.
Place the object down and refocus your attention on inhaling and
exhaling once.

Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness


Activity 1: Using Interpersonal Effectiveness to Make Amends
Similar to resolving resentments, making apologies can be integral to
the healing process. Addictive and inefficient activities can cause both
direct and indirect harm. In addition, the pain and suffering you may have
caused others by your actions (or inactions) may also bring you pain and
suffering.
By permitting escape and avoidance of these emotions, the guilt and
shame that follow from causing harm to others can directly keep people in
the cycle of addiction or make them susceptible to relapse.
Not addressing the hurt caused to others impedes recovery as well. For
instance, you may believe you must continue avoiding those you have
offended, restricting your world rather than expanding it.
In addition, neglecting the need to make apologies enables you to
disregard the negative impacts of the addictive behavior (or other activity),
establishing an additional obstacle to recovery. Recognizing the actions that
caused hurt to others is the first step in making apologies. What did you do,
and who was affected by it? With this recognition comes emotion, which
you must experience without exaggerating or diminishing it. The emotion
recognizes the relative gravity of the situation.
Balance feeling any extreme emotion with distress tolerance skills, and
determine whether you require a secure place for this task. One aspect of
making apologies is apologizing for the specific behaviors that harmed
others and realizing their consequences. If a direct apology cannot be made
(i.e., if it might cause additional injury), composing a letter that you will not
send, journaling, or speaking to an empty chair can be therapeutic.
However, amends are much more than an apology. Repairing the
situation to the best of your ability is essential to making amends. For
example, if you stole money or property, you would pay it back or return it.
Justice is restored by compensation that compensates for the suffering and
loss your acts caused.
If you cannot make practical reparations (e.g., you cannot or should not
contact the injured party, or you lack the resources to rectify the situation),
you may be required to make symbolic amends, typically by vowing to
impact the lives of others positively. Rationally, this gives meaning to
something dreadful.
To truly apologize, you must change your life so that you no longer
make the mistakes that caused others damage; you must pursue health,
wholeness, and rehabilitation. It is about utilizing talents to live a life based
on principles and one's actual goals. Even though the process of making
amends is centered on and for others, you can finally enjoy the freedom that
results from your earnest efforts.
Use this worksheet to resolve issues that block your recovery.
a. Describe in detail and in a non-judgmental way the behavior that
caused harm to another person and identify that person:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
b. Describe in detail and a non-judgmental manner how you believe
your behavior has affected that person, including the emotional impact:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
c. Describe the apology you wish to make, accepting full responsibility
for your behavior and offering no justifications:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
d. Describe in concrete and symbolic terms how you intend to rectify
the situation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
e. Describe your commitment to undertaking life changes to avoid
repeating the same error:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Activity 2: Using Interpersonal Effectiveness to Address
Resentments
Managing resentments can be a crucial aspect of healing. But
unfortunately, resentments lead to painful feelings, addictive behaviors, and
other counterproductive actions.
Start by describing the role that resentments have had in your life to
your therapist and/or program participants. Once we begin to discuss our
resentment, we may be surprised to realize how much there is. In these
dialogues, be honest about how you have contributed to and exacerbated
resentments.
Then, resentments can be classified. One group consists of resentments
you choose to accept and release without discussing them with others, so
you initiate a process of unburdening yourself. Discussing your wish to let
go of these grudges with another person is beneficial, and you may discover
that you need to revisit this acceptance process from time to time.
The other group includes grudges that other individuals must directly or
symbolically handle. Begin by discussing these resentments with neutral
individuals to comprehend better their nature and what you need to say. Try
to discuss resentments in a descriptive, non-judgmental manner, and permit
yourself to feel the anguish associated with them.
Do not exaggerate your emotions, nor should you strive to diminish
their effects. You may want to consider writing as an alternative to or a
precursor to speaking with someone. If voicing your resentments is likely to
overwhelm you, ensure that you are in a safe place and in a state of Wise
and Clear Mind.
After journaling and discussing your resentments, choose one to
address. Take on one grudge at a time. Determine what you wish to say
regarding the selected resentment to the person or persons. Remember your
FAST talents, notably being fair and rooted in values, and how you might
employ GIVE.
Write a script and practice it with another person. Anticipate how your
DEAR MAN will be received, even when skillfully executed with "GIVE."
Remember to take responsibility for your role in the situations that
generated the resentment, and reflect that in the script.
After completing this preparation, you must decide if you will directly
confront the resentment. When you believe the parties concerned will be
receptive, it is effective to discuss resentments with them. In general, avoid
discussing resentments directly with persons who are likely to harm you or
who are likely to be harmed by the conversation. In such circumstances,
composing a letter you will not send, journaling, or speaking to an empty
chair might be therapeutic.
Call out to schedule a conversation when you have defined
interpersonal and distress tolerance strategies and good behavioral practice.
Consider the timing and other aspects to ensure the success of the talk.
Remember the characteristics of assertiveness: Your objective is to discuss
the resentment with skill.
Acceptance and forgiveness are the ultimate goals of resentment
resolution so that you are free to move forward. Preparation and dialogue
can be taxing, but the outcome will certainly be worthwhile.
Use this activity to gain insight into your resentments and begin
addressing them.
Specify in-depth and in a non-judgmental manner an animosity toward
another individual.
Describe your actions that contributed to the aggravation:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe your objective(s) for addressing the resentment (if you elect to
do so):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Using GIVE and DEAR MAN, describe what you would like to say to
the other person (use another sheet of paper if necessary):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe in greater detail your strategy for overcoming this resentment,
including the skills you will need to develop:

Activity 3: Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations


Use this page to determine your objectives and priorities in any
problematic situation. Examples include:
(1) when your rights or desires are not being respected;
(2) when you want someone to do or change something or give you
something;
(3) when you want or need to say no or resist pressure to do something;
(4) when you want your position or point of view to be taken seriously;
(5) when there is a conflict with another person; and (6) when you want
to improve your relationship with someone.
Observe and explain the situation in writing as quickly as possible. If
you require more space, use the back of this sheet.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
The event that triggered my problem: Who suffered what? What
precipitated what?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
What about this circumstance is problematic for me?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Always verify the information!
My wants and needs in this situation:
Objectives: What precise outcomes am I seeking? What do I want this
individual to cease doing or accept?
Relationships: How do I want the other person to feel and think about
me as a result of how I handle the interaction (regardless of whether I
obtain what I want from the other person)?
Self-Respect: How do I want to feel or think about myself because of
how I handled the interaction (regardless of whether I got what I wanted
from the other person)?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
My priorities in this situation are: Priorities can be ranked as 1 (most
significant), 2 (second most significant), or 3 (least important).

Objectives:

Relationship:

Self-respect:
Priority imbalances and conflicts that make it difficult to be productive
in this situation:

Activity 4: Writing Out Interpersonal Effectiveness Scripts


Before practicing your DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST interpersonal skills,
do this worksheet.
Practice your "liners" both out loud and in your head.
Utilize "coping ahead" (Emotion Regulation) Skills. If you require more
space, write on the back of this page.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
PROMPTING EVENT for my problem: Who suffered what? What
precipitated what?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
OBJECTIVES IN SITUATION (What outcomes do I desire):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
RELATIONSHIP ISSUE (How I want the other person to feel about
me):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

HOW I WANT TO FEEL ABOUT MYSELF (SELF-RESPECT


ISSUE):
SCRIPT for DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST:
• Describe the situation.
• Express feelings/opinions.
• Assert request (or say no) directly (circle the part you will use later in
"broken record" to
stay Mindful if you need it).
• Reinforcing comments to make.
• Mindful and Appearing confident comments to make (if needed).
• Negotiating comments to make, plus turn-the-table comments (if
needed).
• Validating comments.
• Easy manner comments.

Activity 5: Challenging Myths in the Way of Objectives


Effectiveness
Create a challenge that makes sense to you for each myth.
1. I do not deserve to receive what I desire or require.
Challenge:

2. If I make a request, it will demonstrate my extreme weakness.


Challenge:
3. Before making a request, I must determine whether the recipient will
respond yes.
Challenge:

4. If I ask for something or say no, I cannot tolerate it if someone


becomes angry.
Challenge:

5. If they say no, I shall perish.


Challenge:

6. Making requests is a very aggressive (negative, self-centered, selfish,


etc.) behavior.
Challenge:

7. Refusing a request is always an act of selfishness.


Challenge:

8. I must be willing to sacrifice my needs for the sake of others.


Challenge:

9. If I can't solve this myself, I must be quite inept.


Challenge:

10. Clearly, the problem exists only in my mind. If I simply thought


differently, I wouldn't have to disturb anyone.
Challenge:
It makes no difference if I don't have what I want or need; I genuinely
don't care.
Challenge:

12. Competence is an indication of weakness.


Challenge:

Other myths:
Challenge:

Other myths:
Challenge:

Activity 6: Finding and Getting People to Like You


Fill out this document anytime you practice finding friends and
whenever you get the opportunity to practice. If you require more space,
write on the back of this page.
Write two ways you could (or do) maintain informal but consistent
contact with others.
1.

2.

List two ways you could locate (or have found) persons with similar
attitudes to your own.
1.

2.

Describe two ways you could get into conversations (or have been in
them) in which you could ask a question, provide an answer, offer a
compliment, or demonstrate your liking for others.
1.

Describe instances in which you have been close to a group chat that
you could practice joining (or how to discover one).

1.

2.

Check the facts and ensure you've mentioned all of your possible friend-
making chances.
Add different ideas if necessary, or solicit input from your friends and
family.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe one action you have taken to create new friends and gain the
favor of others.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Check off and describe your use of each skill.
________Distance ________Similitude ________Conversation skills
Expressed liking

Describe your attempts to join an informal group.


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe any attempts you have taken to utilize your conversational
abilities with others.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
How efficient was the communication?
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Day 3: Emotion Regulation


Activity 1: Emotions, Thoughts, and Situations That Trigger
Addictive Behavior
Read and discuss the following addictive behavior triggers, mark any
that relate to you, implement the offered solutions, and update your skill
plans with the facts you learn about yourself and what might be effective.
( ) You feel terrible emotions: Anxiety, melancholy, rage, hopelessness,
guilt, and humiliation are among the feelings that can contribute to
addictive behavior.
Accept the emotion without criticizing it, converse with a helpful
person, or engage in a distracting activity. Remember that all forms of bad
coping mechanisms promote painful feelings.
( ) You frequently find yourself in "high-risk" scenarios: You are
surrounded by people, places, and things that you strongly identify with an
addictive habit, or you are in a setting where others are participating in
addictive behaviors and maybe pressing you to do so as well.
Would you remain in a burning structure? Determine how you will exit
in a calm and orderly manner using your abilities and/or strategy (s).
( ) You utilize a challenging day as an excuse to escape or take a break
by engaging in an addictive activity.
Everyone needs to manage stress on bad days, so replace your addicted
habit with coping skills.
( ) You use a nice day as an excuse to extend happy feelings by
engaging in an addictive activity.
Generate other strategies to continue enjoying yourself without your
compulsive habit.
( ) You fondly recall the "good old days": You are nostalgic for your
addictive behavior but cannot recall any of the "bad old days" associated
with it.
Recalling the "bad old days" and how addictive behavior has negatively
impacted your life can help you regain a sense of equilibrium. But,
unfortunately, you disregard how your addictive behavior negatively
impacts you and others (e.g., believing that your addiction is not nearly as
severe as others).
Consider the long-term consequences of your addictive behavior on
your life, such as your health and wealth. Remember that you likely have no
particular protections against the long-term repercussions of your addiction.
( ) You feel intense bodily sensations and desires: Certain physiological
sensations might be powerful motivators for addictive behavior.
Contrary to emotion, relaxation, and diversion, practice urge-surfing.
Pursue wholesome pleasures and employ Build Positive Experience.
( ) You have the following withdrawal symptoms: When experiencing
withdrawal symptoms and feeling ill, it can be tempting to engage in
addictive behavior to feel better. Watch out for this dangerous loop!
Utilize Radical Acceptance and consult a doctor if withdrawal
symptoms persist. The immediate practice of PLEASED and self-care
skills, as well as an attempt to engage in healthy diversions. The discomfort
will eventually pass.
( ) You believe that a small amount of your addictive behavior will not
harm you, but you know this is not the case.
Count the times you maintained a small amount of your addictive
behavior vs. when it spiraled into more, or collect this information moving
ahead.
( ) You "reason" that this will be the last time you engage in your
addictive behavior or that you will begin to change tomorrow. However,
your past behavior makes this "promise" doubtful.
Read and discuss the stages of change, and reflect on where you are and
what you require.
( ) You believe it is unjust that others may partake in your addictive
behavior, so you should also be able to. Others may not engage in the
behavior with the same frequency, intensity, or duration, nor may they
experience the same negative consequences as you.
Utilize Radical Acceptance to recognize that life is sometimes unfair,
and then deliberately refocus on skills to Build Mastery or use Build
Positive Experience without engaging in your addictive activity.
( ) You believe that your efforts to quit the addictive habit are a "lost
cause" or that you are a "lost cause": This way of thinking encourages
addictive behavior to "legitimize" your sense of worthlessness.
Practice a Non-judgmental Stance, and use interpersonal effectiveness
to request assistance or distract yourself.
( ) You feel you merit a celebration: You believe your addictive behavior
results from your hard work.
You do deserve a celebration! Consider wholesome and constructive
ways to acknowledge yourself and your accomplishment.
( ) You believe you merit an escape because life has become difficult.
Solution: You deserve an escape!
Examine your skills plan or collaborate with others to generate ideas for
healthy joys and escapes.
( ) You believe you must flee this mood, need, or circumstance because
it appears awful.
Practice acceptance, utilize distress tolerance abilities, or seek
affirmation and problem-solving assistance from others. This (or another)
skills manual should be read until the craving subsides.
( ) You confuse with needs: wanting to engage in addictive behavior is
distinct from requiring to.
Who "needs" addictive behaviors besides people who are dependent on
them? Engage in thoughtful diversions, relaxation techniques, or other
enjoyable activities, and employ Build Positive Experience.
( ) You have myopic thinking and see only a small portion of the big
picture or only the present.
Engage in dialectical thinking by considering both the forest and the
individual trees.
( ) You exploit a minor lapse to justify a severe relapse: You think,
"What's a penny? What's a pound?"
Actively recall your promises, employ dialectical abstinence, adopt a
Non-judgmental Stance, and "play the tape through" while evaluating the
probable repercussions of a full-blown relapse. Do not destroy a home that
you have laboriously constructed.
( ) You believe no one cares; since you do not deserve care and concern,
you might as well engage in your addictive activity.
Discuss this hypothesis with your therapist, another program
participant, a supportive family member or friend, or someone at a crisis
intervention center or support group. Be receptive to someone expressing
concern, and do not punish them by disputing or rejecting what is
presented.
List your other addictive behavior causes and effective solutions:

Activity 2: Cycle of Emotions and Ineffective/Addictive Behaviors


Emotions and inefficient and compulsive behaviors are cyclical.
Observe how vulnerabilities, triggers, emotions, and action urges drive us to
engage in inefficient and addictive coping practices.
Typically, these actions fall into two categories:
mood-congruent behaviors, which serve to preserve emotional or mood
states,
escape and avoidance behaviors are employed to escape emotional or
mood states.
Ineffective and addictive activities frequently satisfy short-term needs,
but their effects might exacerbate our initially struggling feelings. In
addition, these acts can result in different painful emotions, including
regret, remorse, and humiliation. These repercussions subsequently
contribute to the following vulnerabilities at the cycle's apex. As a coping
mechanism, you grow psychologically and physically dependent on your
addictive behavior over time.
Examine this cycle and employ it to determine the specifics of your
emotions and ineffective and addictive behavior cycle. As you understand
your cycle, you should consider methods to intervene at each stage
properly; each potential difficulty is an opportunity for practice. Consider
that ineffective and addictive habits and mental illness symptoms must be
treated concurrently for your efforts to succeed.
Consider how you will use this information in your skills plan as you
learn more about your cycle and its elements (s).

Activity 3: Resentments
Use this activity to gain insight into your resentments and begin
addressing them.
i. Describe in-depth and in a non-judgmental manner a resentment
relating to another person:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

ii. Describe your actions that contributed to the aggravation:


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
iii. Describe your objectives for resolving the resentment (if you elect to
do so):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
iv. Describe what you wish to convey to the other person using GIVE
and DEAR MAN (if required, use another sheet of paper):
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

v. Describe in greater detail your strategy for overcoming this


resentment, including the skills you will need to develop:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 4: Observing and Describing Emotions


Choose a current or recent emotional response and complete as much of
this sheet as possible. If the event that triggered the feeling you are working
on was another emotion that occurred before (for example, fear prompted
anger at yourself), complete a second worksheet for the initial emotion.
EMOTION NAME:
INTENSITY (0–100):
EVENT that triggered my feeling (who, what, when, and where): What
triggered the emotion?

VULNERABILITY FACTORS: What prior occurrences rendered me


susceptible to the precipitating event?

Situational INTERPRETATIONS (beliefs, assumptions, evaluations):

FACE AND BODY CHANGES AND EXPERIENCES: What were my


face and body communicating?

ACTION URGES: What did I feel like doing? What did I wish to
convey?

FACE and BODY LANGUAGE: What facial expression was I


displaying? Posture? Gestures?

What I DID in the circumstance (be specific):

What I SAID in the circumstance (be specific):

What EFFECTS did the feeling have on me (my mental state, other
emotions, actions, ideas, memories, and so forth)?

Activity 5: Opposite Action to Change Emotions


Choose a painful or undesirable emotional reaction from the present or
recent past. Determine if the emotion matches the facts. If it does not,
observe your action impulses, determine what negative actions would be,
and then perform the opposite activities. Always remember to practice the
opposite action. Describe the occurrence.
EMOTION NAME:
INTENSITY (0–100) Before:
After:
EVENT CAUSING MY EMOTION (who, what, when, and where):
What caused the emotion?

IS MY EMOTION JUSTIFIED (in terms of its strength or duration)?


Does it fit the evidence? Is it efficient?

Indicate which facts support the emotion and which do not. Then, check
the predominantly right response.
Justified
____________________
____________________
Unjustifiable
_____________________
_____________________
What actions or words do I feel compelled to take?

OPPOSITE ACTION: What activities oppose my inclinations? What am


I avoiding doing due to my emotions? Describe what and how to act
contrary to the entire circumstance.

WHAT I did: Describe in detail.

HOW I did it: Body language, facial expression, posture, gestures, and
ideas should be described.

What CONSEQUENCES did the opposite action have on me (my


mental state, other emotions, behavior, ideas, memories, body, etc.)?
Activity 6: Changed Dream Experience Form
Please provide as many specifics as possible regarding the altered
dream in the space. For example, include sensory descriptions (sights,
smells, sounds, tastes, etc.).
Please record the emotions, visuals, and ideas related to this dream,
including any assumptions you may have made about yourself. Be as
particular as possible. Ensure that the modification occurs before anything
traumatic or negative occurs to you or others in the nightmare.

Note the start and end times of the dream. )

In my sleep,

Day 4: Distress Tolerance


Activity 1: Common Addictions
In case you thought you had no addictions, here is a list.
You are addicted when you are unable to stop a behavior pattern or use
of substances,
despite negative consequences and despite your best efforts to stop.
⦁ Alcohol
⦁ Attention seeking
⦁ Avoiding:
⦁ Auto racing
⦁ Betting
⦁ Bulimia (purging/vomiting)
⦁ Cheating
⦁ Coffee
⦁ Colas
⦁ Collecting:
- Art
- Coins
- Junk
- Clothes
- Shoes
- Music
- Other: ________________
- Other: ________________
⦁ Computers
⦁ Criminal activities
⦁ Dieting
⦁ Drugs (illicit and prescribed)
⦁ Diuretics
⦁ E-mail
⦁ Food/eating
- Carbohydrates
- Chocolate
- Specific food: ______________
⦁ Gambling
⦁ Games/puzzles
⦁ Gossiping
⦁ Imagining/fantasizing
⦁ Internet
⦁ Internet games
⦁ Kleptomania/stealing/shoplifting
⦁ Lying
⦁ Pornography
⦁ Reckless driving
⦁ Risky behaviors
⦁ Self-inflicted injury/self-mutilation
⦁ Sex
⦁ Shopping
⦁ Sleeping
⦁ Smartphone apps
⦁ Smoking/tobacco
⦁ Social networking
⦁ Speed
⦁ Spiritual practices
⦁ Sports activities
- Biking
- Bodybuilding
- Hiking/rock climbing
- Running
- Weight lifting
- Other: ______________
- Other: ______________
⦁ Television
⦁ Texting
⦁ Vandalism
⦁ Videos
⦁ Video games
⦁ Working
⦁ Other: ______________
⦁ Other: ______________
⦁ Other: ______________

Activity 2: Community Reinforcement


Community reinforcement involves substituting reinforcers of substance
abuse with reinforcers of abstinence.
IMPLEMENTING ABSTINENCE IS ESSENTIAL
Environment-based reinforcers play a significant effect in encouraging
or discouraging addictive behavior.
To stop addictive behavior, you must discover a way to make a life
without your addictive habits more gratifying than a life with them. You
must develop a technique to make activities incompatible with addictions
profitable and praised by others.
Willpower is inadequate. If it were so, everyone would be perfect!
REPLACE ADDICTION REINFORCERS WITH ABSTINENCE
REINFORCERS
Start a set of actions to boost your likelihood of amassing happy
experiences to replace addictive behavior. First, look for people you are not
hooked on spending time with. Next, increase the number of fun things you
participate in that do not include your addiction. Finally, if you cannot
determine which types of people or activities you prefer, you should sample
a wide variety of both.
EXPERIMENTAL ABSTINENCE
Commit to days without your addiction and watch the benefits that arise
naturally.
Temporarily eliminate high-risk addiction triggers and substitute them
with other activities to help you get through the trial period.
Observe all the beneficial occurrences when you refrain from indulging
in addictive habits.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 3: Burning Bridges and Building New Ones


Accept the most extreme level that you will never engage in addictive
behavior again, and then take active steps to eliminate any alternatives for
engaging in addictive behavior.
1. Commit unequivocally to abstaining from the addictive habit, which
is. (describe addictive behavior). Then enter the abstinence garage and slam
the garage door shut. (Remember that even the smallest opening can
accommodate a whole elephant.)
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

2. List everything in your life that facilitates your addiction.


__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
3. Get rid of the following:
Discard the contact details of anyone who conspire with you.
Eliminate all potential cues and temptations.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
4. Make a list of everything you can do to make it difficult or
impossible for you to continue your addictive behavior.
Always and ruthlessly disclose the truth about your behavior.
Inform your friends and family of your decision to quit.

BUILDING NEW BRIDGES


When cravings emerge, create visual images and odors that compete
with the information stored in your visual and olfactory brain systems.
Strong associations exist between cravings and impulses and vivid visuals
and odors of the desired object—the more the visual or olfactory stimulus,
the greater the yearning.
Construct various mental images or odors. Then, when you have an
uncontrollable need, try to remember these sights or smells. For instance,
anytime you need a cigarette, picture yourself on the beach; see and smell it
in your head to alleviate the craving.
When you have undesirable cravings, view moving visuals or surround
yourself with odors unrelated to the addiction. Visual and olfactory stimuli
will compete with your appetites.

Imagine yourself on a surfboard surfing the waves of your urges to


"urge-surf." Observe their coming and departing, their ascent, descent, and
eventual departure.

Activity 4: Reality Acceptance Skills


Check off two reality acceptance techniques during stressful situations
this week: Radical acceptance, Mind-turning Willingness, Half-smiling
Willing hands, and mindfulness of current thoughts.
Skill 1. Describe the situation and your skill application:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
How helpful was the skill in assisting you to deal with the circumstance
(preventing you from making matters worse)? Circle the appropriate
number below.
I could not endure the scenario for even one more minute.
1 2 3 4 5
I utilized my abilities, endured discomfort, and fought issue cravings.

This talent assists you in coping with undesirable feelings or cravings


and avoiding conflict. Select YES or NO.
Describe how the skill assisted or hindered:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe the circumstance and how you performed the skill:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
How helpful was the skill in assisting you to deal with the circumstance
(preventing you from making matters worse)? Circle the appropriate
number below

I could not endure the scenario for even one more minute.
1 2 3 4 5
I utilized my abilities, endured discomfort, and fought issue cravings.
This talent assists you in coping with undesirable feelings or cravings
and avoiding conflict. Select YES or NO.
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________
Describe how the skill assisted or hindered:
__________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
____________________________________

Activity 5: Planning for Dialectical Abstinence


Plan for Abstinence
1) Enjoy your victory with a clear head; anticipate relapse temptations.
2) Spend time with or maintain contact with persons who will
encourage your abstinence.
3) Plan to engage in reinforcing activities instead of addictive behaviors.
4) Burn your bridges: Avoid signs and high-risk circumstances that may
trigger addictive behavior.
5) Construct new bridges: Create visuals, odors, and mental activities
(such as desire surfing) to compete with craving-related information.
6) Find alternate methods of rebellion.
7) Declare your abstinence publicly and deny any notion of relapsing
into addiction.
Plan for Risk Minimization
1) Contact your therapist, sponsor, or mentor for guidance on your
abilities.
2) Make contact with other effective individuals who can assist.
3) Eliminate temptations and surround yourself with appropriate
behavior cues.
4) Review DBT skills and handouts.
5) The opposite activity (Emotion Regulation Handout 10) can be
practiced to combat guilt and humiliation. If nothing else works, attend an
anonymous meeting and publicly report your transgression.
6) Feelings of being out of control can be combated by developing
mastery, preparing for emotional events in advance, and verifying the facts.
7) Interpersonal skills, like contacting family, friends, sponsors,
preachers, or counselors for assistance, can also be beneficial. In addition,
online support groups are a common resource for isolating individuals.
8) Conduct a chain analysis to determine what caused the violation.
Then, find a means to "get back on the wagon" and restore any harm you
have caused through immediate problem-solving.
9) Distract yourself, calm yourself, and enhance the current situation.
10) Encourage yourself.
11) Weigh the advantages and disadvantages of quitting addicted habits.
12) Avoid excessive ways of thinking. Don't allow a single mistake to
become a catastrophe.
13) Rededicate yourself to absolute abstinence.

Day 5: Consolidation
Dialectical Abstinence
In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), dialectical abstinence refers to
the position that your addictive behavior is so harmful to your life that you
commit to only one dialectic side: focusing on abstinence from the activity.
This total dedication implies that you are solely focused on learning and
applying the skills necessary to create and sustain abstinence.
It is a fact that many people who strive to abstain from addictive
behaviors have setbacks. The objective is to recall dialectical abstinence
and your 100 percent commitment if you make a mistake or slip up to
prevent a full-blown relapse. You accomplish this by swiftly correcting your
error and recommitting yourself fully to your objective (s). You should
avoid giving up and working against yourself by exacerbating a mistake or
committing a sequence of larger errors. For example, if you lost your
footing while climbing a mountain, you would swiftly stabilize yourself,
check your anchors, make any required changes, and resume ascending;
you would not simply fling yourself over the mountain!
An additional useful example is that successful people in every
endeavor (e.g., parenting, business, athletics) make mistakes. Still, the
essential difference between them and less successful people is that
successful people actively learn from their mistakes, sometimes discovering
their greatest chances. For example, if a parent yelled at his child, the
objective would be to learn and practice more competent parenting, not to
yell much more or escalate to ineffective parenting. If a businessperson lost
one account, she would learn from her blunder and avoid repeating it with
her other accounts in the future. And, if a pitcher allowed a home run, he
would regroup and continue striving for strikeouts instead of giving up and
delivering slow, easy-to-hit pitches!
Self-acceptance and nonjudgmental ness are prerequisites for an
unwavering commitment to improving oneself. Self-flagellation and self-
judgment harm your goals and will not help you improve. Instead,
remember the fundamental premise that you are trying your best and must
improve, and commit to learning from your missteps. Learn from relapses
using behavior and solution analysis with your therapist(s) and the
philosophies taught in this book. This strategy will facilitate your
abstinence and betterment of life.
Note that dialectical abstinence can be used for various difficulties, such
as making a 100% commitment not to act on suicidal, self-injurious, or
substance-using impulses or not to engage in activities that exacerbate
mental illness symptoms.

Day 6: Weekly Evaluation


The Weekly Regulator Logsheet is mostly a reminder system to assist
with this. Here are the abilities you will emphasize:
_ Managing physical vulnerability
_ Managing cognitive vulnerability
_ Recognizing and recalling positive occurrences
_ Monitoring and embracing emotions
Every Sunday night, the Weekly Regulator Logsheet should be filled
out. Make numerous photocopies and reflect on the abilities you've applied
throughout the past week.
Mark the appropriate spaces to indicate when your talents were utilized.

Positive Events This Week


Monday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Tuesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Wednesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3.. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Thursday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Friday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Saturday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Sunday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________

Day 7: Rest Day


You do not have to do anything for today. You may revisit an old hobby
or maybe go to places you have always wanted. You may also just sit on the
couch and binge-watch that TV series you have always wanted to watch.
The point of this day is to have a rest, away from what bothered you during
the week, away from your work and your source of stress.
But while you take the day off, try to observe and notice your behavior
and perception of things. Then, try to look back and write your observations
in your journal. You may have taken a break from the activities, but you
must at least try to write in your journal.

Problem Solving
A systematic approach facilitates effective problem-solving. Problems
of varying natures and degrees of difficulty are common in our lives. If we
do not actively attempt to solve our problems, their number and magnitude
increase, and we become chronically overburdened or immobilized by
them.
Unfortunately, many of us lack a mechanism for problem-solving. We
attempt to solve them by trial and error or at random. These tactics are
occasionally successful but mostly ineffective.
Emotional Mind "problem-solving" is a further obstacle for many of us.
We accord undue weight to our emotions and the knowledge derived from
them. In turn, we disregard knowledge and facts that would provide us with
a more balanced, comprehensive approach to problem-solving. Therefore,
achieving a state of Wise Mind is advantageous by balancing our emotions
and logic to overcome challenges and obstacles. In Wise Mind, we may
validate our emotions and connect with our priorities, goals, and values to
engage in an effective problem-solving strategy.
Problem-solving begins with awareness of problems as they arise and a
willingness to handle them successfully.
Fundamentals of Problem-Solving
The majority of people have multiple active problems at any given
moment. Multiple problems are overwhelming, but the reality is that you
can only solve one at a time. Begin someplace. You may begin by tackling
your simplest or most pressing problem, or you may need to address
problems sequentially (i.e., you may need to fix one problem before
tackling another).
Determine and specify the problem
Once you've chosen a problem, you should define it using neutral,
detailed language. If you do not comprehend the issue and cannot define it,
it may be challenging to devise a solution. Therefore, be as precise as
possible in your problem definition.
Investigate the facts
To better comprehend and identify your issue, you must complete your
homework. What information do you require or do you lack? Information is
the difference between being uncertain or paralyzed in the face of a problem
and seeing a clear path to a solution.
What is the root of the issue?
Identifying and addressing the problem's root cause is sometimes
important for its resolution. However, remain nonjudgmental and make sure
that recognizing the problem's root does not lead you to assign blame.
Being stuck in a "blame mentality" is rarely beneficial and frequently
worsens the problem. However, if you can reduce or eliminate your
condition's cause(s), you should do so.
What has worked (or worked)?
Have you previously solved this problem (or a similar one)? If yes, what
was your successful strategy? Perform more of the correct action (s). What
is different about your behavior, the behavior of others, or the surroundings
when the problem is not occurring? Do more of what is effective when the
issue is not occurring. Focusing on Willingness and Effectiveness,
following Wise Mind, do what you believe is necessary to solve the
problem.
What does not work (or has not worked)?
Have you done anything that has either contributed to the problem or
failed to provide a solution? What are you doing or failing to do when the
problem occurs? Reduce or eliminate behaviors that contributed to the
problem or were ineffective in finding a solution.
Can you approach it to step by step?
Some problems, especially those that are huge or complex, must be
tackled consecutively or in stages. Divide your difficulty into manageable
steps leading to a solution, and then take the first step.
Employ Willingness, cooperation, commitment, and persistence!
Frequently, what is required to solve a situation conflicts with our
inclinations? Be willing to set aside your preconceived beliefs of how you
believe things should occur to perform the necessary tasks. Be cooperative
and contribute to the solutions rather than the issues. Work together rather
than against others to find a solution; provide and accept assistance. Finally,
once your commitment's action steps have been determined, you must
commit to carrying them out.

Day 1: Mindfulness
Activity 1: Using SOLVED
Use the acronym SOLVED to remember the building blocks of this skill
(Step back and be objective, Observe available options, Limit barriers,
Values-driven, Effectiveness first, Dialectical thought and action). These
basic blocks are detailed in greater detail in the following paragraphs.
Step back and be objective
Observe and describe with the Rational Mind or the Wise Mind.
What is the issue in objective terms?
Focus on the specifics: who, what, where, when, and how.
Put it down on paper.
Observe available options
Create a list of as many possibilities as possible, then determine which
ones are available.
Remember to acknowledge the problem's and potential remedies'
realism.
Also, identify the available resources at this stage.
Use DEAR MAN to solicit ideas, assistance, and direction if necessary.
Limit barriers (emotional and environmental)
Eliminate obstacles between you and a potential answer.
Do not hinder yourself.
Use Acceptance, Willingness, and Nonjudgmental Attitude, Radical or
Everyday.
Do not exaggerate or understate your concerns.
Assess the severity of the issue and address it matter-of-factly.
Determine whether obstacles exist in your area and remove them if
necessary. Again, if necessary, use DEAR MAN to request ideas, assistance,
and direction.
Values-Driven (what are your aims and objectives?)
Utilize your values, goals, and priorities as a compass. Long-term
values will not lead you astray.
They will form the basis of effective responses. Choose the alternative
that solves the problem most effectively while fostering or preserving your
self-respect.

Effectiveness First
What will succeed? The most effective answers may not necessarily be
the ones you favor.
Recognize that life presents issues and resolve the current one before
moving on to the next.
Dialectic Thought and Action
Frequently, solutions involve compromise.
Be dialectical in your ideas and actions, and remember that successful,
value-based solutions are frequently found in the middle ground.
After completing this procedure, conclude and take action.
Evaluate the results and, if necessary, use the SOLVED process to
modify your strategy and solution to the problem.

Activity 2: SOLVED
Utilize this worksheet for problem-solving. First, take a step back and
define your issue using Wise Mind:
a. Brainstorm and then summarize the various options and resources:

b. Describe your obstacles and the skills you will employ to overcome
them:

c. Describe your priorities, aims, and values and how they may inform
your solution.

d. Utilize the preceding facts to explain what will work:

e. Describe your proposed solution and action strategy:

f. Describe how your life will change once this issue is resolved.

Activity 3: Practicing Balancing Doing Mind and Being Mind


Mindfulness skills demand extensive practice. The next practice
suggestions are intended to help you operate successfully in everyday life
by combining doing tasks with being mindful.
➢ Intelligent Mind reading. Find readings or phrases that have the
impact of making you want to practice mindfulness in your daily life to
increase your desire for mindfulness. Place these quotations at strategic
locations in your life (e.g., near the coffee maker), and then read them while
you wait for other things.
➢ Wise Mind reminders. Set a random or recurring alarm at home,
work, or (if possible) on your cell phone or watch. Utilize the alarm as a
reminder to focus on the current activity. Visit
www.mindfulnessdc.org/bell/index.html or a comparable website to get a
free mindfulness clock for your computer. Set up automatic SMS or Twitter
notifications to serve as a reminder. Favorite mindfulness quotations should
be printed out and posted in key locations to serve as reminders to practice.
➢ Wise Mind in the routine of life. Choose one daily habit (brushing
your teeth, getting dressed, preparing coffee or tea, or working on a
project). Attempt to maintain moment-to-moment awareness during this
activity.
"Just this one moment," Wise Mind.
When you begin to feel overwhelmed or harried, say "Just this one
moment, just this one task" to remind yourself that your only necessity at
the moment is to do one task in the moment, such as washing one dish,
taking one step, or moving one set of muscles. Now, let the following
second pass until you reach your destination.
Wise Mind awareness of events
Notice events in your regular life, even if they are minute (such as the
warm water on your hands when you wash, the taste of whatever you eat,
the feel of the wind on your face, the fact that your car is out of gas or that
you are exhausted).
Wise Mind awareness of what must be done
When unwinding after a long day of work or taking a break during the
day, keep in mind what has to be done and concentrate on getting it done.
➢ Willingness to possess a wise mind. Practice being willing to do what
is necessary when requested or when you observe that something needs to
be done. Do what is necessary while maintaining a balance between being
and doing, concentrating the mind, and immersing oneself in work.
➢ Three-minute WISE MIND: Slowing down your everyday "doing
mind."
Bring yourself into the present moment by adopting a "wide-awake"
stance, and then, in Wise Mind, inquire, "What is my experience in the
present moment? What mental images and thoughts am I having?" Observe
them as mental occurrences, as the activation of neurons in your brain.
Next, inquire, "What are my bodily feelings and sensations?" Observe these
as they enter your consciousness. Then add, "Okay, this is the current
situation."
Settle into "Wise Mind" and concentrate on your breath as it enters and
leaves your body, one breath after another. As best you can, concentrate on
the movements of your chest and belly and the rise and fall of your breath,
instant by moment and breath by breath. Allow your breath to serve as an
anchor to help you remain in the present moment.
Once you have regained some composure, permit your awareness to
expand. In addition to awareness of the breath, integrate awareness of the
entire body, including your posture, facial expression, and hands. Follow
the breath as though the entire body were breathing. When ready, step back
into your activities, acting from the present-moment Wise Mind of your
entire body.

Day 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness


Activity 1: How to Think and Act Dialectically
There are always multiple sides to everything that exists. Examine both
sides.
Inquire of Wise Mind: What am I lacking? Where is the nucleus of the
truth on the opposing side?
Let go of extremes: Replace "either-or" with "both-and" and "always" or
"never" with "sometimes."
Balance opposites: When you disagree, validate both viewpoints,
acknowledge reality, and seek to change.
Create lemonade from lemons.
Embrace confusion: Enter the dilemma of true and false, or yes and no.
Take the devil's position: Equally, argue for each side of your position.
Use metaphors and narratives to unclog and liberate the mind.
Other ways to view a situation from all angles:
Recognize that you are interconnected.
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Instead of focusing on differences, search for similarities among people.
Observe the physical relationships between all objects.
Other techniques to maintain connection awareness:
Embrace the change.
Throw yourself into transformation: Permit it. Embrace it.
Practice radical acceptance of change when rules, situations, people,
and relationships change in undesirable ways.
Practice adapting to change by making little adjustments (such as
altering where you sit, who you speak with, or the route you take to a
familiar location).
Additional ways to accept change:
Transformation is transactional: Remember that you affect and are
affected by your environment.
Consider both your impact on others and theirs on you.
Examine how your own and others' behavior result from numerous
interactions throughout time to practice letting go of fault.
Remind yourself that everything is caused, including all behaviors.

Activity 2: Examples of Opposite Sides That Can Both Be True


You can desire to change and be doing your best but still need to
improve, work more, and be more driven to change.
You are both resilient and kind.
You can be independent AND seek assistance. (You may allow someone
to be autonomous AND assist.)
You can simultaneously desire solitude AND connection with people.
You can share some information with others AND also keep some
information secret.
You can be alone while still being linked to others.
You might be around others and still feel lonely.
You can be an outcast in one group and a perfect fit in another. (A tulip
in a rose garden can be a tulip in a tulip garden and vice versa.)
You can accept yourself as you are while still wanting change. (You can
accept folks as they are while also desiring their change.)
Occasionally, you must both control and endure your emotions.
You may have a valid rationale for your beliefs, AND you may still be
erroneous or misguided.
Someone may have valid reasons for requesting something from you,
and you may have fair reasons for declining their request.
The day can be both sunny and rainy.
You can be angry with someone AND still love and respect them.
(You can be mad at yourself and love and respect yourself.)
You can disagree with a person and still be their buddy.
You can disagree with the rules AND still adhere to them.
You can understand why someone is feeling or behaving a certain way
AND disagree with their conduct and ask for it to be changed.

Activity 3: Important Opposites to Balance


Accepting reality while also attempting to alter it
validating oneself and others AND recognizing mistakes
Working AND relaxing
You are doing things that you need to do AND things that you want to
do.
Working on self-improvement AND embracing yourself as you are
Problem-solving AND problem acceptance is required.
both emotion regulation AND acceptance
Mastering something independently AND requesting assistance
Independence AND dependency
Openness AND confidentiality
Confidence AND skepticism
monitoring and observing while also participating
Taking from others while also giving to them
concentrating on both oneself and others

Activity 4: Validation
VALIDATION MEANS
Finding the bit of truth in another person's perspective or circumstance
confirming the facts of a situation
Recognizing that a person's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are
explicable because they have causes
Not necessarily concurring with the other individual.
Failing to validate what is invalid
WHY VALIDATE?
It helps our connections by demonstrating our attentiveness and
comprehension.
It increases interpersonal effectiveness by decreasing: The need to show
one's rightness.
Reactive negative
Anger facilitates problem-solving, proximity, and support.
Invalidation is painful.
IMPORTANT THINGS TO VALIDATE
The eligible items include: (and only the valid).
The facts of a circumstance.
A person's experiences, emotions, ideas, views, or thoughts toward a
topic
Suffering and adversity.
REMEMBER:
Every invalid response makes sense in some manner.
Validation does not need agreement.
Validation doesn't mean you like it.
Validate just the valid!

Activity 5: Recovering from Invalidation


NOTICE THAT INVALIDATION CAN BE HELPFUL AND PAINFUL
AT THE SAME TIME
Remember that Validation is Beneficial When:
It corrects significant errors (your facts are wrong).
Listening to diverse perspectives promotes intellectual and individual
development.
Be Objective and Investigate the Facts
Examine ALL the facts to determine whether your answers are
legitimate or invalid. Then, check with someone you can rely on to verify
their validity.
Acknowledge when your comments are illogical and invalid.
Work to alter erroneous ideas, remarks, or behaviors. (Also, stop
blaming. It seldom aids a problem.)
Drop judgemental self-statements. (Exercise contrary behavior.)
Remind yourself that every action has a cause and that you are trying
your best.
Have compassion for yourself.
Learn to self-soothe.
Admit that it hurts to be invalidated by others, regardless of whether
they are correct.
Recognize when your reactions make sense and are appropriate in a
given circumstance.
Remember that invalidating your response, even when valid, is rarely a
catastrophe.
Describe your experiences and activities in a supportive context.
Mourn painful invalidation and the harm caused by it.
Engage in radical acceptance of the invalidating individual.
Validate Yourself the Same Way You Would Validate Another Person

Activity 6: Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations


Utilize this page to determine your objectives and priorities in any
problematic situation.
Examples include:
(1) when your rights or desires are not being respected;
(2) when you want someone to do or change something or give you
something;
(3) when you want or need to say no or resist pressure to do something;
(4) when you want your position or point of view to be taken seriously;
(5) when there is a conflict with another person; and (6) when you want
to improve your relationship with someone.
Observe and explain the situation in writing as quickly as possible. If
you require more space, write on the back of this page.

The event that triggered my problem: Who suffered what? What


precipitated what?
What about this circumstance is problematic for me? Always verify the
information!

My wants and needs in this circumstance:

Objectives: What precise outcomes am I seeking? What do I want this


individual to cease doing or accept?

How do I want the other person to feel and think about me as a result of
how I handle the interaction (regardless of whether I obtain what I want
from the other person)?

How do I want to feel or think about myself because of how I handled


the interaction (regardless of whether I got what I wanted from the other
person)?

My priorities in this circumstance are as follows: Rate priorities 1 (most


crucial), 2 (second-most crucial), or 3 (least important).
_____Objectives ______Relationship Self-respect

Priority imbalances and disputes make it difficult to be productive in


this situation:

Day 3: Emotion Regulation


Activity 1: Myths about Emotions
There is a proper way to feel in any circumstance.
Challenge:

Sharing my negative emotions with others is a weakness.


Challenge:

Negative emotions are harmful and damaging.


Challenge:

Being emotionally unstable is being out of control.


Challenge:

Some feelings are foolish.


Challenge:

Every uncomfortable emotion is the outcome of a negative mindset.


Challenge:

If people disapprove of my feelings, I should not have them.


Challenge:

Others are the most accurate judges of my emotions.


Challenge:

Insignificant and unimportant are painful emotions.


Challenge:

Extreme emotions are far more effective than attempts to control them.
Challenge:
Creativity involves powerful emotions that are frequently out of control.
Challenge:

Drama is awesome.
Challenge:

It is inauthentic to attempt to alter my feelings.


Challenge:

What matters is emotional truth, not factual truth.


Challenge:

Individuals should do anything they like.


Challenge:
A free individual acts under their emotions
Challenge:

My emotions define my identity.


Challenge:

Because of my feelings, people love me.


Challenge:

Emotions can occur for no apparent reason.


Challenge:

Trust should always be placed in emotions.


Challenge:

Other Myths:
Challenge:

Activity 2: Ways to Describe Emotions


ANGER WORDS
Anger, bitterness, fury, indignation, vengefulness
Annoyance, exasperation, exasperation, irritability, rage
Motivating Circumstances for Feeling Anger
Having a vital objective thwarted.
You or someone you care about is threatened or harmed by others.
Loss of authority, standing, or esteem
Things are not turning out as anticipated.
Physical or mental suffering
Interpretations of Occurrences That Induce Anger
The belief that you have been unfairly treated.
Blaming
Believing that significant objectives are being obstructed or halted
A belief that circumstances "ought" to be different than they are
Thinking inflexibly, "I'm correct."
Determining that the circumstance is illegitimate or improper
Recalling the incident that triggered anger in the first place
Biological Variables and Anger Experiences
Muscles contracting
Inability to stop crying
Clamping of the teeth
Hands are clenched
Sensing your face flushing or heating up
Feeling like you are going to explode
The desire to strike someone hit the wall, throw something, or explode
Desiring to harm someone
Acts and Expressions of Anger
Physical or verbal aggression
Making hostile or menacing gestures
Pounding, hurling, and destroying objects
Heavy walking, stomping, and slamming doors
Going out
Using a loud, quarrelsome, or caustic voice
Employing vulgarity or profanity
Criticism or grumbling
Forming your hands into fists
A frown, not a smile, and a hostile expression
ruminating or isolating oneself from others
Sobbing
Grinning
A face that is red or flushed
Attentional focus reduction.
Repercussions of Anger
Imagining situations in the future that will make you upset
Attending solely to the aggravating circumstance
Ruminating on the issue that is making you angry or on prior events
Depersonalization, dissociative experiences, and desensitization

Activity 3: Reviewing Opposite Action and Problem Solving


Justifying Events
Act Opposite to Emotion Urge
(for Unjustified Emotion)
Act on Emotion Urge, Problem-Solve, or Avoid (for Justified Emotion)
Fear
Your life is in danger.
Your health is in danger.
Your well-being is in danger.
Do what you are afraid of doing . . . over and over.
Approach what you are afraid of.
Do what gives you a sense of control and mastery.
Freeze/run if danger is near.
Remove the threatening event.
Do what gives you a sense of control and mastery of the fearful event.
Avoid threatening events.
Anger
An important goal is blocked, or a desired activity is interrupted or
prevented.
You or someone you care about is attacked or hurt (physically or
emotionally) by others.
You or someone you care about is
insulted, offended, or threatened by others.
Gently avoid.
Take a time out.
Do something kind.
Imagine understanding: Step into the other person's shoes.
Imagine really good reasons for what happened.
Fight back when attacked if you have nothing to lose by fighting.
Overcome obstacles to goals.
Work to stop further attacks, insults, and threats.
Avoid or walk out on people who are threatening.
Disgust
Something you are in contact with could
poison or contaminate you.
You are close to a person or group whose actions or thinking could
seriously damage or harm you or the group you are part of.
Move close. Embrace
Be kind; step into the other person's shoes.
Take in what feels repulsive.
See the situation from the other person's point of view.
Remove/clean up disgusting things.
Influence others to stop harmful actions/stop things that contaminate
your community.
Avoid or push away harmful people or things.
Imagine understanding a person who has done disgusting things.

Activity 4: Sleep Hygiene Protocol


TO INCREASE THE PROBABILITY OF RESTFULNESS/SLEEP:
1. Establish and adhere to a regular sleep routine, even on weekends.
Avoid napping for longer than 10 minutes during the day, and maintain a
consistent sleep-wake schedule.
2. Do not use your bed during the day for activities like watching
television, conversing on the telephone, or reading.
3. Avoid caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, big meals, and activity in the late
afternoon or evening before bedtime.
4. When you are ready to sleep, turn off the lights and maintain a
pleasant, moderately cold environment. Consider using an electric blanket if
you are cold; putting your feet outside the cover or turning on a fan pointed
at your bed if you are hot; and, if necessary, a sleeping mask, earplugs, or a
"white noise" machine.
5. Allow yourself thirty minutes to one hour to fall asleep. Evaluate
whether you feel peaceful, nervous (even if merely "background anxiety"),
or contemplating if it does not work.
6. DO NOT OVERWORK. Remind yourself that you require rest, and
seek reverie (i.e., dreaminess) and mental rest. Convince yourself that
remaining awake is not a calamity. Do not give up on sleep for the night
and decide to rise for the "day."
IF YOU ARE QUIET AND WIDELY AWARE:
7. Get out of bed; move to a different room, read a book, or engage in
another activity that will not further rouse you. Return to bed when you feel
tired and sleepy.
8. Consider a light snack (e.g., an apple).
IF YOU ARE ANXIOUS OR RUMINATING
9. Utilize the cold water TIP ability. Then, return immediately to bed
and practice paced breathing.
Remember, if you have a medical issue, you should obtain medical
clearance before using cold water.
10. Try the 9–0 meditation technique. Inhale deeply and exhale while
slowly reciting the number 9 in your thoughts. Next time you exhale, say 8,
then 7, and so on until you exhale while saying 0. Then begin again,
beginning with 8 (instead of 9) as you exhale, then 7, and so on, until you
reach 0. Next, begin with six as you exhale, and so on until you reach 0.
Then begin with 5, followed by 4, and so on, until you reach the bottom and
begin with 1. (If you become lost, begin over with the last number you can
recall.) Continue till you fall asleep.
11. Concentrate on the physical sensation of ruminating (rumination
often escapes difficult emotional sensations).
12. Assure yourself that anxieties in the middle of the night are simply
"middle-of-the-night thinking" and that you will feel and think differently in
the morning.
13. Spend a few minutes reading an emotionally engaging novel until
you feel relatively exhausted. Then you should stop reading, close your
eyes, and attempt to continue the narrative in your mind.
14. If ruminating persists, adopt these guidelines: "If it can be solved,
solve it. If it seems unsolvable, immerse yourself in the anxiety until you
reach the "catastrophe" - the worst possible event — and then visualize how
you would deal with it.
(Refer to Emotion Regulation Handout 19: Develop Mastery and Adapt)
If nothing else helps, listen to low-volume public radio (BBC, NPR,
etc.) with your eyes closed (use headphones if necessary). There is little
voice tone or volume variation on public radio, making it a suitable option.
Day 4: Distress Tolerance
Activity 1. Crisis Survival Skills
These are skills for tolerating painful events, urges, and emotions when
you cannot make things better immediately.
When to Use Crisis Survival Skills
YOU ARE IN A CRISIS when the situation is:
• Highly stressful.
• Short-term (that is, it won't last a long time).
• Creates intense pressure to resolve the crisis now.
USE CRISIS SURVIVAL SKILLS when:
1. You have intense pain that cannot be helped quickly.
2. You want to act on your emotions, which will only worsen things.
3. Emotion mind threatens to overwhelm you, and you must stay
skillful.
4. You are overwhelmed, yet demands must be met.
5. Arousal is extreme, but problems can't be solved immediately.
DON'T USE CRISIS SURVIVAL SKILLS for:
• Everyday problems.
• Solving all your life problems.
• Making your life worth living.

Activity 2: Body Scan Meditation Step by Step


Sit on a chair or lie on your back with your legs uncrossed on the floor.
Place your arms comfortably at your sides, abdomen, or (if seated) on your
thighs with your palms facing up. To let light in, half open your eyes. If
necessary, place a pillow beneath your knees if you are lying on the floor.
Imagine your breath going to each part of your body as you transfer your
attention up your body in a gentle manner. Focus on each aspect of your
body with a mind filled with wonder and interest.
Concentrate on your breath. Observe how the air enters and exits your
body.
• Take several deep breaths until you feel relaxed and comfortable.
• Focus your attention on the left foot's toes.
• Become aware of the sensations in that portion of your body while
keeping your breathing in mind.
• Visualize each breath reaching your toes.
• Inquire inquisitively, "What am I experiencing in this portion of my
body?"
Focus for several minutes on your left toes.
• Shift your attention to the arch and heel of your left foot, and maintain
it for one to two minutes while focusing on your breathing.
• Observe the sensations of warmth or coldness on your skin and the
weight of your foot on the floor.
• Visualize your breath moving to the left foot's arch and heel.
• Inquire, "How do the arch and heel of my left foot feel?"
• Repeat the same steps with your left ankle, calf, knee, upper legs, and
thigh.
• Repeat with your right leg, beginning at the toes.
• Next, work through your pelvis, lower back, and stomach.
• Observe the rising and falling of your abdomen as you inhale and
exhale.
• Proceed to the chest, the left hand, arm, and shoulder, the right hand,
arm, and shoulder, the neck, chin, tongue, mouth, lips, lower face, and nose.
• Observe your breath as it enters and exits your nostrils.
• Next, pay attention to your upper cheekbones, eyes, forehead, and
scalp.
Finally, concentrate on the tip of your hair and release your entire body.
Don't be concerned if you become aware of ideas, sounds, or other
sensations. Simply be aware of them and then softly divert your attention.
Likewise, don't be concerned if your mind wanders away from the subject
of your concentration and you find yourself contemplating something else
(it nearly always happens). Simply return your focus to the body part you've
reached with composure, gentleness, and determination. You may need to
refocus your attention repeatedly. You are not alone in experiencing this.
The key feature of meditation is the repeated, nonjudgmental refocusing of
awareness.
Activity 3: STOP Skill

Activity 4: Willingness
Willingness is the readiness to enter and participate fully in life and
living.
Determine a WILLING RESPONSE for each circumstance.
Willingness is doing EXACTLY WHAT IS REQUIRED:
In every circumstance.
Enthusiastically and without dragging your feet
Willingness is attentively listening to your WISE MIND and then acting
following your WISE MIND.
Willingness means ACTING AWARE that you are connected to the
cosmos (to the stars, to people you like and dislike, to the floor, etc.).
Substitute WILLINGNESS for WILLFULNESS.
Willfulness is the refusal to accept the present.
Willfulness is the refusal to make necessary changes.
Willfulness is RENUNCIATION.
Reluctance is the antithesis of "doing what works."
Resoluteness is the attempt to FIX EVERY SITUATION.
Willfulness is the insistence on CONTROL.
Willfulness is ADHESION TO "ME, ME, ME" and "what I want right
now!

WILLINGNESS, STEP BY STEP


OBSERVE the stubbornness. Label and Experience it.
Wholeheartedly accept that you are currently feeling (and possibly
acting) stubborn. However, you cannot combat stubbornness with
stubbornness.
Focus your thoughts on acceptance and Willingness.
Try a HALF-SMILE and an OPEN POSTURE.
Then, when stubbornness is intransigent, ASK, "WHAT IS THE
THREAT?"
Situations in which I observe my own:

Willingness:

Determination: :

Day 5: Consolidation
Try to look back into your past and list the problems you were able to
solve. They don't need to be complicated problems, even small situations
like which clothing to use or what food to order, when you were locked out
of the house, or math homework that others could hardly solve.
Write them in your journal and try to recall how you were able to
resolve those problems. The next time you feel like you cannot solve a
certain issue, try to look back and read the list. It might give you the
confidence and boost you need to solve the current problem. And who
knows, there might also be a clue in there that relates to what you are
currently experiencing,

Day 6: Weekly Evaluation


The Weekly Regulator Logsheet is mostly a reminder system to assist
with this. Here are the abilities you will emphasize:
_ Managing physical vulnerability
_ Managing cognitive vulnerability
_ Recognizing and recalling positive occurrences
_ Monitoring and embracing emotions
Every Sunday night, the Weekly Regulator Logsheet should be filled
out. Make numerous photocopies and reflect on the abilities you've applied
throughout the past week.
Mark the appropriate spaces to indicate when your talents were utilized.

Positive Events This Week


Monday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Tuesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Wednesday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3.. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Thursday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Friday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________
Saturday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________

Sunday
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. . ______________________________________________________
4. . ______________________________________________________

Day 7: Rest Day


You do not have to do anything for today. You may revisit an old hobby
or maybe go to places you have always wanted. You may also just sit on the
couch and binge-watch that TV series you have always wanted to watch.
The point of this day is to have a rest, away from what bothered you during
the week, away from your work and your source of stress.
But while you take the day off, try to observe and notice your behavior
and perception of things. Then, try to look back and write your observations
in your journal. You may have taken a break from the activities, but you
must at least try to write in your journal.

Cognitive Modification
Many have been told that "everything is in our heads" or that our
thoughts and views are flawed or false. These perspectives undermine our
experience. As a result, we learn not to trust our judgment and become
protective and guarded regarding our thoughts and opinions. When we are
then asked to evaluate them, we feel vulnerable. This sensation of
vulnerability and protective position protects us against additional
invalidation.
Rationally, our thoughts and beliefs originate from somewhere and
make sense in that context. Usually, our thoughts and beliefs have adaptive
roles and contain at least a grain of truth.
It is not a matter of whether our views and opinions are right or wrong,
accurate or inaccurate, but whether they "work" or are applicable in a
certain circumstance. For instance, a person who grew up with critical
parents may believe that everyone else is also critical. This thought or belief
was effective in the past because it insulated the individual from a harsh and
punishing reality. However, when thoughts and beliefs become excessively
general or extreme, they might lose utility. In this case, the thought or belief
will be less effective when applied to other individuals or situations outside
the original home.
As an alternative to applying the concept on a global scale, it may be
good for the individual to examine if the general thinking or belief about
crucial persons holds in particular circumstances. A dialectical alteration in
that person's thought or belief could be more beneficial in multiple ways.
Dialectical changes result in more flexible thoughts, and beliefs about
ourselves, people, situations, and the environment and are central to how
DBT modifies cognition.
Being in Wise Mind, where emotions can be recognized, and reason can
be reached, is the cornerstone of dialectical thinking. This session examines
a cognitive technique for altering thoughts and beliefs, common "stuck"
notions, and dialectical treatments.

REASON (RE)
Our goal is for our thinking to be adaptable and functional. This ability
can validate emotions while simultaneously validating ideas and beliefs.
Over time, we can learn to trust our thoughts and beliefs, knowing that we
can conduct self-evaluations and make adjustments as necessary.
Use the acronym REASON to recall the components of this skill
(Rational, Emotions matter, Alternative views, Self-trust, Old beliefs, and
New thoughts and beliefs). These basic blocks are detailed in greater detail
in the following paragraphs.
Rational
Is the concept or conviction supported by logic or by a Wise Mind?
Does it function in the current circumstance? Remember that we all become
locked in thoughts and beliefs that do not serve us well in some situations,
and be kind to yourself. Remember that our thoughts and beliefs make
sense in their original context, even if they do not work in the current
circumstance.
Thus, you can validate why you hold the thought or belief and, if
necessary, alter it. Consult a trustworthy friend, family member, therapist,
or another individual about one's views and beliefs. Be receptive to
changing a notion or opinion to better align with the evidence.
Emotions are significant (validate)
Consider the significance of emotions and the information they convey.
Occasionally, emotions provide the correct information, while others
misrepresent facts and situations. Validate your emotions and learn to
discern when they aid and hamper your ability to think clearly.
Alternative perspectives (dialectic)
Create other perspectives to complement the initial thoughts or
opinions. Consider how each alternate perspective may function in the
current scenario. Would a different "location" on the debate be more
effective? In the current circumstance, will a different "location" on the
debate be more effective? There are numerous perspectives on the same
situation. Be receptive to alternative viewpoints and interpretations.
Self-esteem (develop)
Chronically invalidated individuals lack confidence in their thoughts
and opinions. Begin to recognize occasions in which your thoughts and
beliefs serve you well, and give yourself credit. When you learn to trust
your thoughts and beliefs during these valuable times, you will establish the
foundation to identify when adjusting your views is necessary for other
circumstances.
Old beliefs (balanced with)
Respect ancient views and beliefs. Remember that they have served
useful roles in the past. The objective is not to refute traditional ideas and
beliefs. Thoughts and beliefs that are no longer beneficial will fade away
over time.
New ideas and beliefs
New thoughts and beliefs will open up new possibilities for how you
view yourself, others, and the world. Your behavioral repertoire will include
dialectical thinking, and new thoughts and beliefs will lead to a more
fulfilling life.

Some Final Words


The GIVE skills are needed when maintaining or strengthening the
relationship is highly important. When retaining self-respect is of utmost
importance, the FAST abilities are utilized.
When connecting effectively with others, we use both sets of talents in
most situations. Being polite, curious, and validating is an effective way to
connect with people in most settings, particularly when communicating
difficult information. At the same time, being fair, not apologizing, adhering
to ideals, and being genuine won't lead you astray, even if you're
concentrating on being kind.
Relationship building that incorporates your values and aspirations and
treating yourself and others with respect, fairness, and validation are
essential components of pursuing a life worth living. Regardless of how
proficiently or efficiently you communicate, things will not always go as
planned. There are occasions when neither the surroundings nor the other
person cooperates. However, in countless situations, these abilities will
raise the likelihood that things will go well.
Key factors!!
To communicate effectively, you must be clear about what you want.
Effective communication involves practice. You cannot compel others to
participate, but good communication can boost your chances of achieving
your goals.
Interpersonal relationships will go more smoothly if you're of wise
mind. This is because the wise mind, or balancing our reason and emotions,
and feeling secure in our actions, is always our goal in DBT and
psychotherapy.
Life.
The abilities you have gained from reading this book will improve with
each day of exercise. But, on the other hand, if you don't apply them, you
will lose them. They will cease to be real alternatives and methods of
change. Instead, they will become simply concepts, faintly recalled and
unable to assist you.
Maintaining and improving your talents will require consistent effort.
An adage asserts that success belongs to the most tenacious, which
precisely is what is required now: a dedication to everyday skill practice
over time.
You may honestly wonder where you'll find the will to continue doing
something so difficult. And all this talk of endurance may sound archaic and
preachy, but there is a simple method to put what you've learned into
practice every day without exerting much energy. It takes developing the
habit of devoting approximately fifteen minutes daily to skill practice.

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mean-to-be-neurodivergent-5196627
Cathy Moonshine, P. M.-I.-I. (2019). Dialectical Behavior Therapy: The
Clinician's Guidebook for Acquiring Competency in DBT (Vol. I). Eau
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