Exercise of the brain is as important as

exercise of the muscles. As we grow older,

it's important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose
it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Following is a way to gauge your loss or
non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and
determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and... Lets begin.

 1. What do you put in a toaster?

• Answer: "bread."
• If you said "toast," then you are wrong
 2. Say “Silk" five times.

• Now spell “Silk.“

What do Cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.
• If you said "milk," you are wrong ..a little
stressed.
Milk
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a
blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink
house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks,
bricks what is a
green house made from??

• Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you

said, "Green bricks,“ you are not concentrating.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. There is an
engine failure and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no
man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors?

In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
• Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a
degree every minute how many degrees will the
hour hand move in one hour?

• Answer: One degree. If you said, "360

degrees" or anything other than "one
degree," you are to be congratulated on
getting this far, but you are obviously out of
your league.
 6. Without using a calculator –
You are driving a
bus from Mumbai to Nagpur. In Mumbai, 17 people get on the
bus. In Nasik, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on.
In Jalgaon, two people get off and four get on. In Akola, 11
people get off and 16 people get on. In Amaravati, three people
get off and five people get on. In Yavatmal, six people get off
and three get on. You then arrive at Nagpur.

Question/s:
1-How many people where there in the bus
when it reached Nagpur?
2-What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Don't you remember? It was

YOU!!! You were the bus driver!!!
 Emotional
Intelligence & Empathy
Why this session?
Your expectations?
Objectives of this session?
Our Norms for the day/s
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The English word 'emotion' is derived from

the French word ‘émouvoir’.

Prior to discussing EI, let us first understand a

bit about emotions.
 We experience many emotions-Let us
understand them-

Emotions are associated with mood, temperament,

personality, disposition, and motivation.
 Emotions…

• Positive and negative emotions won’t occupy the mind

equally at the same time.
• It is our responsibility to make sure that positive
emotions constitute the dominating influence in our
mind. Here comes the law of HABIT
• Form the habit of applying and using the positive
emotions! Eventually, they will dominate our mind so
completely, that the negatives cannot enter it.
 How many times have we said this to
someone ?

“I am sorry for raising my voice .I was a bit

angry and couldn’t control”.
Why? Because as you said you couldn’t
control-the emotion at that time-it was Anger.
 We-Become Hostages

• Majority of the time, emotions control us,

instead of we controlling the emotions.
• This makes us Emotional hostages
• We experience so many emotions. The most
common emotions are- Sadness, Happiness,
Jealousy, Guilt, Hate, Fear etc
 Emotions –As an Excuse?

All these emotions influence and guide our

behavior towards ourselves and with others in
a positive as well as negative manner..We all
are very well aware of these effects and
influence, however most of us tend to sight
these emotion as an excuse for our impulsive
behaviour
 Definition(S)

• There are many models and definitions for Emotional

Intelligence –However In a simple language –“Emotional
Intelligence is to be and to behave intelligently when one is
emotional” .

Not easy , however not impossible

To be Understood Understanding

• There are 2 aspects of Emotional intelligence which is the

essential premise for EI: to be successful it requires the
effective awareness, control and management of one's own
emotions, and those of other people.
1.Understand yourself. Understand your goals,
intentions, responses, behavior and all that
you do.
2.Understand others, and their feelings.
 “Emotional
Intelligence Sets
Apart Good and
Effective
Leaders”
 Why we Need EI..?

In professional Life also Emotional

Intelligence is very important as it is one of
the important deciding factor for
relationship management resulting in :
1. Motivation,
2. Retention ,
3. Self management
4. Managing others.
 The Rules at work front are changing

• We are being judged by

not just how SMART we
are but also by how well
we handle each other
and ourselves
 The essential premise of EQ

• Our each and every

action is systematically
controlled emotion
• To be successful
requires effective
awareness, control and
management of one’s
own emotions and
those of other people
EQ embraces two aspects of intelligence

1. Understanding yourself, your goals, responses,

behavior, create possibilities and intentions
2. Understanding others and their feelings
 Why EQ is Important?

• EQ is increasingly relevant to organizational

development and developing people
• EQ principles provide a new way to understand and
assess people’s behaviors, management skills,
attitudes, interpersonal skills, and potential
• EQ is an important consideration in human resource
planning, job profiling, recruitment interviewing and
selection, management development, customer
relationship and customer services, etc.
 Good News….!!

• IQ cannot be improved or developed.. It is

said that IQ is fixed.. !
• Where as, EQ skills can be developed and
improved over time
 Emotional Intelligence

• Emotional Intelligence is the

ability of an individual to :
• To deal successfully with other people
• To manage one’s self,
• To motivate other people,
• To understand one's own feelings
• To appropriately respond to the
everyday environment
Emotional Intelligence
• In Working with Emotional Intelligence,
author Daniel Goleman defines EI in the
workplace as the ability of employees to
recognize:
• Their own feelings

• The feelings of others

• What motivates them

• How to manage their emotions, both in

themselves and in relationships with
others
 Emotional Intelligence

• Emotional Intelligence doesn't mean being soft –

it means being intelligent about emotions – a
different way of being smart.
• Emotional intelligence is your ability to acquire
and apply knowledge from your emotions and
the emotions of others in order to be more
successful and lead a more fulfilling life and
career.
Types of EQ
Working with people means
working with Emotions
 Probabilities of not having an Good Emotional
Intelligence and their consequences
While people have shown they can produce better
results at workplace, many of us lack emotional
intelligence.
We simply don’t know how to perceive, understand,
express and manage our emotions effectively. There
are adverse consequences to have low emotional
intelligence.
These includes:-
1. Relationship Problems
2. Rage in the Workplace
3. Poor decision making capability
4. failure to advance in career
Relationship Problems Rage in the workplace
Poor decision making capability
Failure to advance in career
 Why EQ

EQ is the distinguishing factor

that determines if we make
lemonade when life hands us
lemons or spend our life stuck
in bitterness
EQ is the distinguishing factor that help
us to maintain a warm relationship or a
distant contacts.
EQ is the distinguishing factor which
draws others to us or repels them.
EQ is the distinguishing factor which enable us to work
in coordination with others or to create a disputed
situation
EQ is the distinguishing factor which enables to win the heart
of people or to win the situation by argument
 Benefits of EQ
The competencies & gift that EQ gives us are many.
Included are skills that drive our internal world as
well as our response to the external one.

Some examples includes

 Benefits of EQ

Personal Motivation
Personal mastery over our life’s
purpose & intention
Empathy
Social expertise that allow us to
network and develop relationships
that enhance our purpose
Character & integrity that
enable us to appear genuine
and aligned
A tenacity to face and resolve both
internal and external conflict
Personal influence that enable
us to advance our purpose.
 Enhancing /Developing EI

EQ can be developed through practice and

learning.
Most of us have forgotten to recognize our
feelings.
We often mistake our thinking for our
feelings. Thus we have become far removed
from ourselves.
 Enhancing /Developing EI

• Observe how you react to people.

• Do you rush to judgment before you know all
of the facts?
Look honestly at how you think and interact
with other people. Try to put yourself in their
place, and be more open and accepting of
their perspectives and needs.
 Enhancing /Developing EI

• Do a self-evaluation.
What are your weaknesses?
Are you willing to accept that you're not
perfect and that you could work on some
areas to make yourself a better person?
Have the courage to look at yourself honestly
– it can change your life.
 Enhancing /Developing EI

Check how you react to situations.

• Do you become upset if- Something doesn't
happen the way you want?
• Do you blame others or become angry at
them, even when it's not their fault?
 Enhancing /Developing EI

• Keep your emotions under control when

things go wrong.
• Take responsibility for your actions. If you hurt
someone's feelings, apologise directly – don't
ignore what you did or avoid the person.
People are usually more willing to forgive and
forget if you make an honest attempt to make
things right.
 The main Abilities in EI

• EQ involves development of discriminatory

knowledge –
The difference between the perceiver and
perceived, the subject and the object.
To recognize others emotion and our own emotions
as separate rather than mixing the two as a response
to each other.
 The 5 main Abilities..

There are 5 main abilities in EQ-

1.Self Awareness
2.Emotional Maturity
3.Self motivation
4.Empathic Understanding
5.Quality Communication
 The 5 main Abilities…

1. Self-awareness:
Knowing self.
Being aware.
Being aware of our physical, mental and emotional activities.
To be in touch with ourselves.
It takes practice to observe ourselves.
Once we recognize our emotional state we can bring about
changes to suit situations
 The 5 main Abilities…

2.Emotional maturity:
Once we are aware of our inner self, maturity
means to face up to all the dimensions of
ourselves without judgment.
To accept things as they are.
Having the courage to explore our mental
blocks and to turn them around to help us to
deal with our situations positively
 The 5 Main Abilities…

3. Self-motivation:
Taking responsibility for our emotions and actions.
Knowing that everything we do, we do for a
reason and have a choice to do or not to do. When
we make a choice, we do so to get away from pain
and to receive pleasure.
 The 5 main Abilities…

4. Empathic understanding:
Stepping out of one's own framework and
entering the others person’s mind and
looking at it entirely from their point of view.
5. Quality communication:
Active listening; communicating empathy and
understanding; understanding before wanting
to be understood.
Handling Difficult Conversation

• We all get that gut feeling when we are about

to have a difficult conversation and know
when a conversation becomes difficult, and
also when it is about to become difficult.
• However, there are still very few of us who do
not have difficult conversations almost every
day of our life with our significant associates
whether at home, or at work..
 Handling Difficult Conversation…

• Usually a difficult conversation happens when we share

(give and/or receive) negative feedback with anyone.
That anyone may be your, spouse, good friend, child,
colleague or someone we love and admire and care for.
Some conversations can also seem difficult because we
think that we have a lot at stake or we have already
taken a position which we feel a retraction will lead to
loss of face.
 Handling Difficult Conversation…

• Conversations also become difficult due to our

past conditioning - we expect it to be difficult
because it has been so in the past.
• We deal with conversations in a routine
manner without stopping to reflect.
Reflect with these questions when you are in a or when you
envisage a difficult conversation:

Here ,we check the earlier mentioned 5

Abilities
1.Why do I want to have this conversation? (Self-awareness)
2. What will happen by not having this conversation? What
will happen by having this conversation? (Emotional
maturity)
 Reflect..

3.What am I afraid of?

What is the worst possible outcome?
What is my stake?
What do I expect - the best outcome? (Self-
motivation)
 Reflect…

4. What untested assumptions and inferences am I making?

How can I step into the space of the other person to test my
assumptions and inferences so that I can understand all
perspectives with equanimity? ( Empathy and
Understanding)
 Reflect…

5. Can I make a commitment to listen and

understand and communicate that
understanding?
Can I just listen and not make any proposition
until I have fully understood the other and
have a confirmation to that effect? ( Quality
communication)
 There are no "bad" emotions.

• Whatever you feel is ok

• It is human
• You may not be able to control
• But you can hold back your actions
• It’s how you respond to those feelings that
matters. Whatever emotion you're feeling, you
still have a choice about how you act on it - and
that's what counts.
Another Angle/perspective /
Sort of Revisit
 The 5 Components of
Emotional Competence Framework
• Personal Competence – How we Mange
ourselves
1. Self Awareness
2. Self Regulation
3. Motivation
• Social Competence – How we Manage others
4. Empathy
5. Social Skills
 1. Personal Competence - Self Awareness
Knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources and intuitions

• Emotional Awareness
– recognizing one’s emotions and their effects
• Accurate self-assessment
– knowing one’s strengths and limits
• Self-Confidence
– a strong sense of one’s self worth and capabilities
 2. Personal Competence - Self Regulation
Managing one’s internal states, impulse and resources
• Self control
– keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check
• Trustworthiness
– maintaining standards of honesty and integrity
• Conscientiousness
– taking responsibility for personal performance
• Adaptability
– flexibility in handling change.
• Innovation
– being comfortable with novel ideas, approaches and new
information
 3. Personal Competence - Motivation
Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals

• Achievement drive
– striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence.
• Commitment
– aligning with the goals of the group or organization.
• Initiative
– readiness to act on opportunities.
• Optimism
– persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and
setbacks.
 4. Social Competence - Empathy
Awareness of others feelings, needs and concerns.
• Understanding others
– sensing others feelings and perspectives, and taking an
active interest in their concern.
• Developing others
– sensing others development needs and bolstering their
abilities.
• Service orientation
– anticipating, recognizing and meeting customer needs.
• Leveraging diversity
– cultivating opportunities through different kinds of people
 5. Social Competence - Social Skills
Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.

• Influence
– wielding effective tactics for persuasion
• Communication
– listening openly and sending convincing messages
• Conflict Management
– negotiating and resolving disagreements using win-win
approach
• Leadership
– inspiring and guiding individuals and teams
5. Social Competence - Social Skills….cont’d
Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.

• Change catalyst
– initiating or managing change
• Building bonds
– nurturing instrumental relationships and connecting
• Collaboration and cooperation
– working with others toward shared and common goals
• Team capabilities
– creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals
9 Characteristics of
Emotionally Intelligent People
 1. Take Responsibility for their
Feelings

• Take responsibility of their feelings

– “I feel jealous” vs ‘You are making me jealous’
 2. Label their Feelings

• Label their feelings, rather than labeling

people or situations
– “I feel impatient” vs. “This is ridiculous”
– “I feel hurt and butter”. vs. “You are an insensitive
jerk”
– “I feel afraid”. vs. “You are driving like an idiot”
3. Distinguish between Thoughts &
Feelings
• Thoughts
– I feel like….
– I feel as if….
– I feel that….
• Feelings
– I feel anrgy
– I feel happy
– I feel confident
 4. Use Feelings to Make Decisions
• Use their feelings to help them making
decisions
– “How will I feel if I do this?”
– “How will I feel if I don’t”
– “I will feel good if I achieve this goal”
– “I will feel frustrated if I do not get it”
 5. Respect others Feelings

• Show respect for other peoples feelings

– They empathize and ask “How will you feel if I do
this?”
– “How will you feel if I don’t”
– “Trust you will not feel bad about what I have to
say”
6. Feel energized v/s feeling angry

• Feel energized, not angry

– They use what others call “anger” to help them
feel energized to take productivity action
– To are not victims of other people’s outburst
– They do not react but are proactive
 7. Empathize

• They empathize and Validate other people’s

feelings
• They show empathy, understanding, and
acceptance of other people’s feelings
 8. Positive Mirroring

• They Practice getting a Positive value from

their negative emotions
– They ask themselves: ”How do I feel?” and “What
would help me feel better?”
– They ask others: How do you feel?: and ‘what
would help you feel better?’
 9. Don’t Preach

• They don’t advise, command, control, criticize,

judge or lecture to others
• They realize it doesn’t feel good to be on the
receiving end of such behavior, so they avoid
it.
 The Five Emotional Cancers
• Criticizing
• Complaining
• Comparing
• Competing
• Confronting
EMPATHY
 Empathy.

• Empathy is the subject of a new book written by Drs. Les and

Leslie Parrott called “Trading Places”. The cover of the book
has a clever illustration of a shoe whose front half is a man’s
shoe and the rear half is a red high heel!

• Putting yourself in other person’s shoes (or “skin”) is a way of

understanding where they are coming from.
 Empathy.
What does that mean?

• You are empathizing with the other person

when you understand exactly how he/she
feels, and you even begin to feel the same
way.
• If you would like to make your life even
better, take this as a personal challenge: when
the other person is talking, try to put yourself
in their shoes.
Empathy-What does that mean?

• Then imagine how you would feel in whatever situation they

are describing.
• Now go ahead and validate them. For example, “I’ll bet that
made you really annoyed.” Or maybe, “you must be really
tired.” (When the other person says, “yes, that’s how I felt,”
when you’ve nailed the feeling, You have scored a big one)
 Empathy-What does that mean?

• That’s because when the other person believes

that you completely understand how he/she feels,
you have accomplished something wonderful.
• You have been empathetic, and you have
achieved an emotional connection. You are truly
united at that moment.
• This can a very healing and connecting
experience.
 Empathy-What does that mean?

• Of course, empathy gets a little harder when you are the

subject of the emotion- during a disagreement.
This is when you get to take your skills to the next level and
become an empathy master!
• You have to resist that tendency to be defensive.
• Those kinds of explanations can come later, after some
tension has been defused.
 Empathy-What does that mean?

• First, can you figure out and then say how the
other person is feeling about you?
• Can you say, for example, “I can understand
that you were annoyed when I forgot to call
you.” This can be a real tension-reducer.
 EMPATHY

"Empathy depends not only on one's ability to identify

someone else's emotions but also on one's capacity to put
oneself in the other person's place and to experience an
appropriate emotional response" -Charles G. Morris

• A question-Just another one…While dating, it is generally

noted that one has an insatiable interest in each other’s
feelings and what would make each other happy- but after
marriage?
 EMPATHY

• After marriage many shifts focus away from the

partner and focus more towards self.
• Perhaps now you’ve come to expect that he or she
should always be there to support you or you’ve
gotten too task-oriented, hoping he or she will
understand.
• When you disregard your partner’s feelings as
unimportant, however, you are actually disregarding
your partner.
 EMPATHY

• Understanding other person’s feelings opens

the door into his or her intimate emotional life
and finding out what makes your partner happy
is crucial.
• You don’t have to be that insightful or sensitive
to notice what makes the other person angry,
sad, or worried–but what may be more elusive
is what makes the other person happy.
 Him and Her….(It can be Her and Him too)
Ramesh and Rani had been married for seven years.
She complained that Ramesh liked to run the household as if it were
his office. He was caring and responsible but always placed tasks
before people.
He was convinced that he was a good husband because he worked
very hard to provide for his family and had never cheated on his wife
or done anything immoral or illegal.
He couldn’t understand why Rani was unhappy with him. After all, he
thought, wasn’t he hardworking, loyal, honest, and responsible?
Rani eventually confronted him: “Yes, Ramesh, you have all those
qualities, but you don’t give me what I want.-you never understand
and attempt to listen ” Throughout their marriage he played the role
of the good husband , according to him.
 Him and Her-Contd..

Finally he realised that he was a good

husband only if Rani felt loved by him. Rani
wanted a husband who focused first on loving
her and the kids and then on completing
tasks. He also discovered that Rani felt loved
by him when he understood and valued her
feelings.
 What does empathy do?

Here’s a list of a few things that empathy can

accomplish :

• Reduce criticism considerably

• Eliminate nagging to a very great extent
• Make conflicts lesser and shorter
• Makes you better friends/partners
• Reinforces commitment
 What does empathy do?

• Brings “grace” to your relationship

• Makes for a longer life
• Allows for dreams to flourish
• Makes you better parents , spouses,
colleagues, neighbours etc
• Reduces Ego-Clashes
• Become Emotionally Intelligent
 Empathise while communicating

Lack of empathy while communicating is a very

common problem
Practice empathic communication when discussing
a difficult subject with the following in mind
• Listen without interruption as your partner describes
his/her feelings about the subject.
• Pause and imagine how your partner might be
feeling.
 Empathise while communicating

• Reflect back what the other person has said in

regards to their feelings such as, "It sounds
like you're saying you're upset because...“
• Validate their feelings such as, "I understand
that you're upset..." You don't have to get why
- just allow them to have their feelings.
• Offer support by saying something like, "Let's
try to figure this out together."
 Empathy Don’ts

• Don’t ignore what the other person is saying.

• Don’t diminish the importance of other
person’s concerns: “What’s the problem?”
“Don’t be so sensitive!”
• Don’t rush to fix the problem: “Well, if I were
you I’d…” or, “You should have…”
 ALL THE VERY BEST TO BE AN EMOTIONALY
INTELLIGENT HUMAN WHO IS EMPATHETIC
TO OTHERS

And Now an interesting story with a great learning

Once upon a time there was
a bunch of baby frogs........
 … participating in a
competition.
The target was to get to the
top of a high tower.
A crowd of people had gathered to observe
the race and encourage the participants.....
The start shot rang out.......
 Quite honestly:
None of the onlookers believed that the baby frogs
could actually accomplish getting to the top of the
tower.

Words like:
"Åh, it’s too difficult!!!
They’ll never reach the top."
or:
"Not a chance... the tower is too high!"
 One by one some of the baby frogs fell off…
...Except those who fastly climbed higher and
higher..

The crowd kept on yelling:

"It’s too difficult. Nobody is going to make it!"
More baby frogs became tired and gave up...
...But one kept going higher and higher.....

He was not about giving up!

At the end everybody had given up,

except the one determined to

reach the top!
 All the other participants naturally
wanted to know how he had managed
to do what none of them others had
been able to do!

One competitor asked the winner, what was

his secret?
 The truth was.......
The winner was deaf!!!!
 The lesson to be learned:

Don’t ever listen to people who are negative and

pessimistic...
…they will deprive you of your loveliest dreams and
wishes you carry in your heart !
Always be aware of the power of words, as everything
you hear and will interfere with your actions!
 Therefore:
Always stay…

POSITIVE!

And most of all:

Turn a deaf ear when people tell you, that you cannot
achieve your dreams!