Emotional radar

Editor's Notes

• #5 Last week we spoke about the 7 common thinking traps. Thinking Traps, are a way of thinking that we all fall into now and again. Unless we’re aware of them, these traps can seriously hinder our ability to think rationally, leading us to bad reasoning and making stupid decisions. The trick is to notice these patterns, see the signs of negative thinking and stop before getting snagged in the trap. So what throws us into these thinking traps?
• #6 Picture this… car spot story So what happened here
• #7 My rights had been violated and I felt angry
• #8 Why does this happen? As humans we have the ability to make meaning out of everything We don't process information in a neutral way. Hundreds of times each day our mental antenna are stimulated and our thinking styles interpret what's going on around us. Each of our emotions has a thought behind them. Sometimes those thoughts are accurate and the feeling that follows, as uncomfortable as it may be, is warranted. But often times the thought is not really warranted.
• #9 3 stages in the creation of our Emotions Stage 1 is The EventAn emotion is triggered by an event – this event may happen inside you ( a distressing thought or memory) or in the world around you ( something happens to you). Stage 2 is Our Emotional Radar We start to evaluate the event – is it good or bad for us? Harmful or beneficial to us? Stage 3 is The Story. This is when we choose to give the Event a meaning – and we make the meaning based on how we perceive the world and our thoughts that we have today are usually based on what we learned and experienced from those around us and events that happened when we were growing up.
• #10 And we all perceive the world differently By the time we are 10 years old we have usually formed a particular way of looking at the world. We have formed a sense of what matters to us and what we feel is right and wrong behavior. We have formed our beliefs.
• #11 Our built in emotional radar or detector works like a scanner – its always looking for clues to trigger our emotions based the way we see the world. Based on how we think we should behave and respond. Based on what we believe to be true when certain instances or events arise. Some of us are scanning for the next violation of our rights, constantly on alert for someone stepping on our toes. If we scan hard enough for a violation, we'll find one. Those of us with this Radar get angry a lot. And that anger will eventually wear us down. Some of us scan for future threats constantly on the lookout for something bad coming down the road. And so we feel anxiety a lot of the time, even when nothing bad or threatening is happening. Mark Twain wrote, "I've had many catastrophes in my life - some of which actually happened."
• #12 Sadness – We feel Sadness when we experience loss. It can be a real loss as when you lose a wallet, your job or a good friend. Or it can be what is called Self Discrepancy Loss which can lead to loss of self esteem. It’s the difference between what you hoped would happen and what actually did happen. For example - A relationship that didn’t work out the way you hoped it would A career that didn’t quite turn out how you thought. Where you are now in your life and where you hoped you would be. Link to Personalising, over generalising, mind reading, min max
• #13  When you feel the emotion of sadness starting to wash over you step back and see if you can identify the thoughts that are going through your head. Is it true, and more importantly does it warrant the fuel you are feeding it? Your thoughts may be spot on – you may really have lost your wallet or a friend or even your job. But are your thoughts exaggerating the emotion? Now challenge it – have you really lost your self esteem? Is losing your wallet cause for utter sadness or is it in actual fact an inconvenience? When you become aware of what’s happening to you and begin to question the emotion, as opposed to getting caught up in it, you’re far more likely to be able to work through the emotion in a calmer way.
• #14 Anger – A violation of your rights. Someone or something has gotten in your way or taken something that belongs to you. Story of the gym Again – this can be real or just like the story I told you at the beginning it can a little bit wide of the mark. Link to externalising, over generalising, mind reading
• #15  Anxiety – The thought behind anxiety is always about a future threat – there’s something on the horizon coming to get you. Link to catastrophising, mind reading, min and max
• #16 Frustration – A lack of resources or feeling of lack of choice. You say things like – I don’t have what I need to fix the problem – or Im stuck. There is no way out. Link to personalising, blaming, min max
• #17 Embarrassment – Loss of standing or losing face. When you think you have done something to make others think less of you. In actual fact most times People are often more concerned about their own behavior. Remember this and the embarrassment will go away Link to personalising, over generalising, mind reading
• #18 Guilt – feeling that you are violating someone else’s rights or feel you may have let someone down. It may be that you are working long hours as you have a certain project due so your feeling of guilt may rise from you feeling you should be spending more time with your family. Words like ‘should, must, have to’ often identify that you are feeling the emotion of guilt. Link to personalising, mind reading
• #19 Shame - You’ve broken rules about the kind of things you should do or the kind of person you think you should be. This is a big one – in our society we are often made to feel shame. Shame that we are not good enough. Shame that we don’t belong and in truly extreme cases – shame that we are unable to be worthy of love. There is a big difference between guilt and shame - shame Im wrong as a person Guilt - I did that wrong Link - personalising, mind reading, min max
• #20 Linking the emotions together. Sometimes our emotional radar doesn’t just settle on one emotion – but it links the emotions together to lead us into unhelpful thinking traps. For example You may be the manager of a retail store and one of your staff members calls in sick. So you call around to get someone else to cover their shift but no one is available. You feel frustrated because this means you will probably have to cover the shift yourself, which in turn means that you will not be able to finish the report you promised your boss. Your frustration can quickly turn to anger – anger at the staff for not helping out – forget the excuses they have! Then anger at your boss for putting pressure on you in the first place, then guilt for feeling the anger, then perhaps shame that you are not able to cope! By identifying each emotion and each stage you can then start to think about what meaning you now want to give the event.
• #21 And by that I mean you have a choice –
• #22 Ask yourself this simple question: If I act on this emotion will I be acting like the person I want to be? Will it help me to take my life in the direction I really want to go/ If the answer is yes – then it does make sense to act upon the emotion. For instance if you’ve been nasty to someone and you are feeling guilty you feel the urge to apologise. If this is consistent with who you want to be then it makes sense to go ahead and apologise. But if you feel angry and no need to apologise, rather you may feel the need to call them and say even more nasty things to them. If this urge isn’t consistent with who you want to be, perhaps its not such a wise idea.
• #24 So when it comes to checking your Emotional radar the first step is to simply acknowledge what you are feeling. Just silently say to yourself – I’m feeling x and this is making me think “y” Then - Check in with your values: Will acting this way help me to be the person I want to be? If the answer is yes
• #25 Here’s the thing - if you use your emotional radar hard enough you will always find a reason to use these emotions in a negative way. And quite often we get it wrong – just like our Thinking Traps.
• #26 The good news is that with practice you can train your Emotional Detector to scan for clues that lead to more upbeat or positive emotions. But it does take practice!