Seer
- 1. How to communicatewith me? � Today, I meditate for a long time, pondering what I need most for the rest of my life. Below shows my inner representational structure of self. � Sexually. I alternate between child state and adult state (transactional theory). When I meet a stranger, I feel anxious. The anxiety takes cognitive effort and overwhelms my cognitive ability. At first glance, I look scared and stupid. Due to strong emotional overflow, I regress (Freud's psychosocial stages) to child state where reminds me of my infant-mother attachment bond (Bowley's attachment theory). The unconditional love of my mom acts as a template for future stable and deep interpersonal relationship at my later adult life. (object relation theory) When I feel anxious, my mind automatically asks for a comforting object functioning like my mom providing nurturing and loving conditions for me or our relationship to thrive. Your unconditional positive regard surely helps me lower my defense against males but such process may take a year or longer. For superficial relationship which lasts for less than a year, I have to invest in effort or wager because my emotional attachment is so strong that separation deals a significant blow to my psyche's stability. Besides, if you cannot lower my anxiety, I remain at child state and the adult state will not emerge before you leave me. This means that you have not yet encountered my adult state based on your assessment of my psyche at kid state. That seems unfair to me! � At adult state, I behave sexually like a top as during masturbation, I fuck the pillow for ejaculation. A male body arouses me sexually but the libido can be expressed via my fucking. In other words, when I resume my adult state from my kid state, my anxiety subsides and my manly side appears. This surely satisfy a bottom sexually as I can have erection for long in warmth! � To lower my anxiety, only warm feeling or touch, as manifested in infant- mother bond, can serve as a template for our relationship to channel or construct upon. I hope that at first meeting, you can hug me for a while so that my impression for you is built on warmth and unconditional love which enlarges as you keep hugging me, like a mother pamper a child, so as to ease my anxiety and hopefully to switch from negative emotions (anxiety) to positive ones (Warmth and loving kindness). Non-verbal psychic communication is key to make my love for you grow strong. � How can I reward you? When my manly side surfaces, I can behave as a man. The main point is “are you willing to invest your time and effort in me so that my adult state will bud and grow?” To achieve this, I expect a long-term relationship for mutual benefits. � Once my love for you grows, love is so powerful that I can work again to earn a better living for us to enjoy for the rest of my life. Hope you appreciate the effort I once put into making our relationship viable and sustainable via communication, negotiation and concessions. � Sometimes, I may get moody and vent my anger on you due to my mental illness. I hope that you don't mind that and I apologize for any potential unreasonable temper on you in future. � Finally, I am quite an introvert, meaning that my cognitive abilities are function at full swing when I am alone. This implies that I need solitude to balance my inner conflict for the well-being of my psyche and maintenance of our relationship. You may feel estranged or alienated to certain extent but after my meditation, I would return as a more loving partner!
- 2. I suffer socialphobia and I wonder why SOME guys like me more after my telling them my plight. The rationale is shown below: Guys can participate in taking care of my illness in form of doing something conducive to my well-being and unique to our relationship. He prides himself in achieving so much helping me through my ordeal. He feels like he can control my future and well-being. (Enhanced sense of mastery and competency) If he looks for sex only, he need not find me as he has got many alternative choices. If he does everything for me out of sympathy, that sounds less valid as all human motives are basically self-serving even though altruistic behaviour brings satisfaction to certain extent but not solid enough in sustaining his help for working me through my ordeal. He finds sincerity and geninueness in me when i disclose frankly and openly my inner self to them! I sell myself differently from other gay so that they dun know how to response to my plight. Normally, a guy with empathy will not treat me bad. If he treats me bad even when i disclose my secret to them, he is really very wicked! In times of adversity, it is a bless to differentiate your real friends from false ones! Focus with gratitude on what i have not what i lack! Don't blame others or theirr pragmatism! We all are pragmatic, self-serving and realistic! On 4th April, 2011, Recardo promises to date me for the first time but i am not optimistic about this relationship because: He had promised to hug me thrice but ate his words repeatedly. He inquired last night about whether I will be the breadwinner for him and his mother after we fall in love. He sleeps almost at 5 a.m. each day chatting with members and allegedly his relatives in USA so that there are so many guys for him to pick. Why me? He deliberately told me that he worked as an auxillary police cop to cajole me into loving him so that he can take advantage of my innocence afterwards, like drawing money from me. He knows so well what members relish the most int his circle. He reiterated that he likes mature guys as they can earn him and his family of origin a living.