Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie

by

Kevin Finn & James Rolfe

WGAW Registration # 1331302

©2011 Cinemassacre Productions LLC
1 INT. COCKBURN INC - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 1 *

A SLIDE PROJECTOR flashes a series of images of an ATARI 2600 *

VIDEO GAME CONSOLE and GAMES BEING PLAYED. A female voice
speaks over them.

MANDI (V.O.)
The Atari 2600 was the pioneer in
home video game systems. It created
a cultural phenomenon, but most
importantly, a ripe industry
gaining billions of dollars.
Atari’s success and brand loyalty
was so strong, they were able to
produce games as cheaply and as
quickly as possible. But in 1982,
it would all come to an end.

FLASH to an image of E.T. THE GAME.

MANDI (V.O.)
This is when they produced a game
based on the highest grossing film
of that year. Steven Spielberg’s
E.T. The man chosen to program the
game was Howard Scott Warshaw,
based off the previous success of
Yar’s Revenge and Raiders of the
Lost Ark.

FLASH to an image of STEVEN SPIELBERG and HOWARD SCOTT

WARSHAW together.

MANDI (V.O.)
Under normal circumstances,
programming a game took Warshaw 6
to 7 months. For E.T., he was only
given 5 weeks in order to meet the
deadline for the Christmas shopping
season.

FLASH to images of the E.T. GAME BEING PLAYED.

MANDI (V.O.)
The end result was a strange and
incoherent game that alienated
devoted gamers.

FLASH to an image of video game stocks plummeting.

MANDI (V.O.)
To this day, it’s viewed as the
biggest commercial failure in video
gaming history.
(MORE)
 2.

MANDI (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Atari suffered a 536 million dollar
loss, not only bankrupting the
company, but bringing the entire
industry down with it. An event
known as the Video Game Crash of
1983.

FLASH to grainy black and white photographs of dump trucks

emptying trash into a landfill.

MANDI (V.O.)
As a result of overproduction, over
2 million copies of the game were
said to have been buried somewhere
in the New Mexico desert.

CUT TO: *

2 INT. COCKBURN INC - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 2 *

Lights turn on as marketing representative MANDI 28, speaks *

before a group of other Video Game MARKETING REPS all
gathered around your typical conference table. She is well
dressed, beautiful and persuasive.

MANDI
And that is why we at Cockburn Inc.
will be making “E.T. II” for
today’s most advanced gaming
platforms.

An ad for the new E.T. II clicks on screen. An older Business

Man sitting at the head of the table, MR. COCKBURN 65,
removes his glasses.

MR. COCKBURN
Will fans be eager to buy a game
that’s based off such a reputation,
even though the new version will be
better?

MANDI
Ah but that’s the beauty Mr.
Cockburn. It won’t be better. We’ll
make it even worse!

MR. COCKBURN
Did you say worse?

MANDI
Absolutely. It’s called outside the
box marketing!
(MORE)
 3.

MANDI (CONT'D)
Research shows that gamers these
days are playing games they hate.
They think bad is the new good.
(beat)
Consequently, we’ll cut our
expenses and double our profits.

FEMALE REP
If people hate the games they’re
playing, why are they still playing
them?

Mandi again strides confidently to the projector.

MANDI
Because of this guy.

FLASH to an image of the ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD 30, wearing

his trademark white shirt, glasses and signature frown.

MANDI (CONT’D)
And for him to endorse it... It’s
almost too brilliant.

CUT TO: *

3 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING 3 *

The Angry Video Game Nerd THEME SONG and OPENING CREDITS
begin playing over the scene.

TITLE SCREEN “THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD”

The NERD sits up in bed, knocking several ROLLING ROCK beer *

bottles to the floor.

The GUITAR GUY, Kyle, is playing the song on his guitar and
singing. He remains unseen by everyone but the audience.

CUT TO: *

4 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - GAME ROOM - DAY 4 *

The Nerd enters his game room, a command center filled wall-
to-wall with vintage video games from the 70’s, 80’s and
90’s. He selects a game from his library, XENOPHOBE for the
Nintendo Entertainment System.
 4.

NERD
Who needs coffee in the morning
when you can have a tall steaming
cup of diarrhea goat shit known as *
Xenophobe on the Nintendo
Entertainment System? Look at the
alien on the cover. It’s a complete
rip off of the movie “Aliens”.

He pops the game in the console, sits down with a Rolling

Rock and grabs a controller. The 8-bit “Xenophobe” title
screen starts up and the game continues being played as the
Nerd narrates over it.

NERD (V.O.) (CONT’D)

As you can see, the screen is
divided in half, meant for two
players. With only one player, half
the screen is blank! What a waste?
And what's the chances of getting
someone else willing to play this
piece of shit with you?

The duck billed character on screen wanders about aimlessly

being attacked by random pixelated creatures. *

NERD (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Why’s it called Xenophobe anyway?
As a child, I never knew how to
pronounce it. I used to say it like
"ksenephobee". Apparently, it means
having a fear of anything foreign.
If by foreign, it means a drooling
alien creature that wants to kill
me, you can bet your ass I fear it.

CUT TO: *

5 INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM - NIGHT 5

In the undefined future, 20 year old male COLLEGE STUDENTS

are huddled around a computer on top a desk cluttered with
empty soda cans and pizza crusts, watching the Nerd’s
finished game review. They are laughing joyously.

On the screen, we see the Xenophobe character blasting white

pellets that travel horizontally across the screen. One at a
time.

NERD (V.O.)
Whatever happened to firing a rapid
stream of bullets?
(MORE)
 5.

NERD (V.O.) (CONT'D)

It doesn’t let you shoot anymore
until the first bullet hits its
mark or goes off-screen! And this
is the slowest bullet I've ever
seen! It's like waiting for an old
lady to cross the fuckin' street!

CUT TO: *

6 INT. OFFICE ROOM - DAY 6

BUSINESS MEN on a lunch break are sitting around an office

computer laughing at the same review. On the screen, we see
the monotonous game continue.

NERD (V.O. CONT’D)

The same room keeps repeating!
What's the goal? Well guess what.
There is none. The game goes on for
infinity! It’s more fun playing
paddle ball.

The Nerd, now on screen, demonstrates by throwing a rubber

ball into the air and swatting at it with a wooden paddle,
attached by a rubber band. He fails to hit it. Then, he
throws it at his TV.

CUT TO: *

7 INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY 7

Young TEENAGE KIDS on a school bus giggle as they watch the

review on their iPhones and various gadgets. *

NERD (V.O.)
These gaming companies don’t want
to make good games, they just want
to cover up the truth with their
10 cent glossy illustrated box that
makes the game look awesome when
really it’s just a piece of shit
that rips kids off of their hard
earned allowance money!

Text COMMENTS roll in on the Nerd’s YouTube/Facebook pages.

“Awesome gagaga”, “OMFG AVGN is best!”, “Review E.T.!!!”

CUT TO: *
 6.

8 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - GAME ROOM - DAY 8 *

NERD
There’s no objective, unless you
want to try and rack the score up
to 999,999. But noooo! It stops at
999,990! That’s 9 points you can’t
have! So when does the game end?
When you shut the fucker off and
throw it out your window!

The Nerd removes the game cartridge from the NES and holds it
up as he takes a swig from his beer.

NERD (CONT’D)
Here’s to Xenophobe, a shit-
encrusted-piece-of-fuck of a game!
Watch it go!

He tosses the game out the window.

CUT TO: *

9 EXT. NERD’S APARTMENT - DAY 9

The game flies from the window and hits a trash can. It
EXPLODES for no apparent reason!

END CREDIT SEQUENCE

CUT TO: *

10 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - GAME ROOM - DAY 10 *

The Nerd faces the camera.

NERD
Don’t ever play this game.
(beat)
And cut.

We now see the camera that’s been filming the Nerd. It’s
being operated by COOPER FOLLY, 18, who also holds a boom *
pole and operates a sound mixer all at once. He is the Nerd’s
one man crew, faithful assistant, and obsessed fan.

NERD (CONT’D)
Okay, that’s a wrap.

COOPER *
You sure? You need help with
anything else?
 7.

NERD
No.

CUT TO: *

11 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY 11

The Nerd is walking down the sidewalk when Cooper pulls up, *
driving a Yugo.

NERD
Cooper, I think I’m fine walking to *
work today.

COOPER *
Don’t be silly.

NERD
No really, I’m fine.

CUT TO: *

12 INT. YUGO - DAY 12

Cooper eagerly buckles the Nerd into his passenger seat, then *
runs around to the driver’s seat. The Nerd’s head whips back
as they peel off.

CUT TO: *

13 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 13 *

Cooper speeds toward a traffic light. *

CUT TO: *

14 INT. YUGO - DAY 14 *

NERD
Red light! Red light!

Cooper slows up to the light. *

NERD (CONT’D)
Cars... Great invention. Strap
yourself into this capsule of death
and shoot out onto the highway!

COOPER *
Nerd, calm your anus.
 8.

MERCEDES, a hot chick in a sports car, pulls up next to them *

in the right lane. She makes eye contact with the Nerd,
smiles and rolls down her window. The Nerd takes notice and
reluctantly rolls down his window too.

MERCEDES
Excuse me. Can you tell me how to
get to route 1? I'm late for my
Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

The Nerd gets an immediate anxiety attack.

NERD
Go! Cooper! Go! *

COOPER *
But...

The Nerd reaches over to slam on the gas blowing the red
light.

An OLD WOMAN is crossing the street with a walker.

NERD
Old bag! Old bag!

The Nerd reaches over the console with his foot to SLAM on
the brake. The Yugo SKIDS up to the red light rocking them to
a stop, but not before punting the Old Woman’s walker across
the median.

COOPER *
What you do that for? She wanted to
tap our asses!

The Nerd’s jaw drops.

NERD
That old bag?!

COOPER *
No! The hot chick back there!

NERD
Cooper. If you want to be a nerd *
like me, you gotta make some unique
sacrifices. No physical fitness, no
social popularity and most
important, no girls!

Cooper absorbs this and gives a disciplined nod. *

CUT TO: *
 9.

15 EXT. GAME OFFICERS - DAY 15 *

Cooper and the Nerd pull up to their workplace. The sign *

reads GAME OFFICERS: VIDEO GAME RETAILER. The Nerd sighs as *
they pull into a parking space. *

CUT TO: *

16 INT. GAME OFFICERS - SALES FLOOR - DAY 16 *

The Nerd and Cooper enter the store and walk towards the *
front desk, revealing a cardboard cut-out of E.T II *
announcing “WORSE THAN BEFORE!”

NERD
Holy mother of God...

The Nerd steps backward overcome with fear. Cooper trots up *

next to him.

COOPER *
Ha! You see that Nerd? They’re
making E.T. II! That means you’re
finally gonna review the original
Atari, E.T. aren’t you?

NERD
Cooper, this is too much to *
comprehend. And no, I’m not
reviewing E.T.

COOPER *
But the timing is perfect! You have
to do it now.

NERD
I’d rather suck the dry shit out of *
a dog’s ass fur! *

The Nerd walks behind the register preoccupied with thought. *

Nearby, Cooper stocks shelves with games, still chattering *
away.

COOPER *
You know it’s your most requested
game? You get e-mails about it all
the time.

NERD
You’re still checking my e-mail?
 10.

COOPER *
You know it’s considered the worst
game of all time?

NERD
Oh, I know alright. The illogical
gameplay where you don’t know what
to do... Uncontrollably falling
into pits over and over again. It *
brings my piss to a boil. *

COOPER *
Then why don’t you do it? It’d be
perfect? If you want, I’ll help. We
could review it together! Did you
watch any of my videos yet?

NERD
No, what is it? Super Video Dude?

COOPER *
Super Rad Video Game Dude.

A YOUNG BOY walks through the door and approaches The Nerd at
the counter.

YOUNG BOY
Hey! Angry Video Game Nerd!

NERD
Yes, that’s me.

YOUNG BOY
Dude, I saw your last review and I
was laughing my ass off. I had to
go buy the game on Ebay. I just had
to see how bad it was, and man, you
were right.

NERD
(disappointed)
Oh?

YOUNG BOY
Hey, do you have the new 3D Virtual
Space Road Exploder: Turbo Deluxe
Edition?

The Nerd looks behind to the shelf.

NERD
Yeah. Looks like we do.
 11.

YOUNG BOY
Do you know if it’s any good?

NERD
Oh I don’t know, I don’t play any
of this new shit.

JOHN SWANN 57, an ex-cop turned Game Officers Manager watches *

them through an open doorway from his office. He has a cup of *
COFFEE in one hand and CIGARETTE in the other, and CELL PHONE
in the other, (impossible, but true).

The Nerd is now holding the game.

NERD (CONT’D)
Look at this shitload of fuck. *
Would you wanna play it? I’d rather *
take a shit on an erupting
prehistoric volcano while wiping my
ass with a stegosaurus and then
have a meteoroid wipe both our
asses off the planet!

The boy starts LAUGHING, enjoying the Nerd’s rant.

John frowns and shouts from his desk. *

JOHN *
Herb! Can I see you for a moment? *

The Nerd exhales frustrated.

CUT TO: *

17 INT. GAME OFFICERS - JOHN’S OFFICE - LATER 17 *

The Nerd is sitting awkwardly before John who is YELLING on *

his phone, while puffing a cigarette and cleaning his old
pistol from his days on the force. There are old photos of
John dressed in a police uniform with his cop buddies. His *
desk is covered with porno magazines. The Nerd’s gaze keeps
drifting toward the gun nervously.

John finally puts down his phone and addresses the Nerd. *

JOHN *
What do you want?

NERD
You called me in here.
 12.

JOHN *
Yes. Herb, I gotta talk to you
about the way things are going to
run around here.

NERD
My name’s Nerd, Mr. Swann.

JOHN *
My fucking father's name is Mr.
Swann. Please, call me John. *

John smiles and hands the Nerd a name tag that resembles a *
police badge. It reads HERB, SALES.

JOHN (CONT’D) *
From now on, we’re gonna be wearing
these.

The Nerd smiles politely.

JOHN (CONT’D) *
But most important, we just got a
shipment of War Duty 3000 in this
morning. Now tell me, because
you’re the fuckin’ expert, I’m
asking you. Should we push them on
the front display?

NERD
I would say no. That’s not really a
good idea.

JOHN *
Bullshit! That’s what we’re doing.
Next person that walks through that
door, you sell them War Duty 3000.

NERD
I can’t just sell them a game that
looks that unbelievably bad. I
don’t even play most of these new
games.

JOHN *
I don’t fuck’n care about all your
happy horse shit. All your Super
Sega games and Game Kid. Whatever’s
on that shelf, you get it sold!

John’s phone rings again. He picks up and immediately goes *

into another rant.
 13.

JOHN (CONT’D) *
(on phone)
Now listen here, you sick fuck!

CUT TO: *

18 INT. GAME OFFICERS - SALES FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER 18 *

The Nerd shuts the office door, muffling John’s phone rant, *
and approaches the sales counter. There’s a male customer in
his mid twenties waiting by the counter. The Nerd approaches
the customer debating whether or not to sell this piece of
shit.

CUSTOMER
Hey, Angry Video Game Nerd! What’s
that you’re holding?

NERD
War Duty 3000.

CUSTOMER
Would you play it?

NERD
What, are you kidding? Just looking *
at it makes me feel like having an *
anal evacuation! I’d rather have a *
dick start growing out of my
forehead so that every day’s a
struggle not to shoot piss in my
own mouth until I inevitably drown,
only to get reincarnated as a
second dick on the forehead of my
now lifeless body!

From the ceiling, a security camera records them. *

CUT TO: *

19 INT. GAME OFFICERS - JOHN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 19 *

John frowns as he watches the surveillance monitor. *

CUT TO: *

20 INT. GAME OFFICERS - SALES FLOOR - CONTINUOUS 20 *

The Nerd SPITS on the game like a camel. The customer LAUGHS
uncontrollably and gets out his wallet.
 14.

CUSTOMER
Now I have to buy it! I can’t wait
to tell everybody the Angry Video
Game Nerd yelled and spat on this
game!

The Nerd slaps himself in the face and then he begins pushing
keys on the cash register, CHA CHING! *

CUT TO: *

21 INT. GAME OFFICERS - JOHN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 21 *

John’s frown turns into a smile. *

CUT TO: *

22 INT. GAME OFFICERS - SALES FLOOR - CONTINUOUS 22 *

The fan points to the cardboard E.T. II sign.

CUSTOMER *
Oh and what do you think of that? *
They’re putting out E.T. II. I bet
it won’t be as bad as the original,
though. *
(beat) *
Did you know Atari recalled all the
cartridges and buried them
somewhere in the desert because the
game was so bad? Worst game of all
time! You should review E.T.!

Cooper jumps in, excited. *

COOPER *
Yeah, that’s right! C’mon, Nerd. Do
E.T. for all the fans!

NERD
No.

COOPER *
Remember when the new Spiderman
movie came out? What game did you
review then?

NERD
Spiderman.
 15.

COOPER *
And when the new Transformers movie
was released, what game may I ask
did you do?

NERD
Transformers.

COOPER *
And now that they’re releasing a
new E.T. The time is ripe! Do E.T.

Suddenly a whole crowd of FANS begin chanting.

FANS
E.T! E.T! E.T! E.T! E.T! E.T!

NERD
Nooooooo!

The Nerd leaps over the counter and runs for the door.

CUT TO: *

23 EXT. GAME OFFICERS - DAY 23 *

The Nerd storms out toward the parking lot. Cooper runs out *
to talk to him.

COOPER *
Nerd, I’m sorry. It’s just that we
want to know what you think of that
game. Can you at least tell me, off
the record?

NERD
It sucks ass through a straw! That *
game is proof that we failed as a *
human race! It’s an abomination *
that fucks you harder than life *
itself! I wish I can send every *
single cartridge off the face of
the Earth!

COOPER *
Ha! Now that’s what you should say
in the video!

The Nerd shakes his head and approaches Cooper’s Yugo. *

 16.

NERD
(to himself)
Can’t even get pissed off and have
it mean anything anymore.

COOPER *
Better to get pissed off then to *
get pissed on. *

The Nerd opens the door, and makes himself a passenger in

Cooper’s Yugo. The Nerd is deep in thought as Cooper hastily *
buckles him in.

CUT TO: *

24 INT. YUGO - DAY 24 *

NERD
There’s one thing I could never get
to the bottom of... Why is that
E.T. game so infamously popular?

COOPER *
Well, it’s the worst game, but the
greatest game story ever told. When
gamers found out that E.T. was
buried in that landfill, it became
forever buried in our conscious
mind.

NERD
Do you really believe that Atari
buried 2 million game cartridges in
the fucking desert?!

COOPER *
How can you dispute the dozens of
eye-witness accounts, the hundreds
of online articles, testimonies
from New Mexico High Schoolers’,
Reporters, even the Mayor of
Alamogordo for Pete’s sake!

Cooper abandons the wheel and gets his laptop computer out of *
his bookbag.

COOPER (CONT’D) *
Take the wheel for a second.

The Nerd grabs the wheel from the passenger seat. Cooper *
browses through his files on his computer.
 17.

NERD
We’re talking about the same
company that would hire one person
to design a game and only give them
a month? The same company that
perpetually made bad games over and
over with the mentality that people
would just buy them anyway?
Bullshit! They would have recycled
those game cartridges. They were so
stingy, they would have re-used
every piece of plastic and saved
every last cent!

COOPER *
Well, here are the actual photos of
the E.T. game carts laying at the
bottom of the landfill.

Cooper turns the laptop to face the Nerd. The Nerd glances at *
the grainy B&W PHOTO showing an indefinable pile of trash.

NERD
What is this? These are the
shittiest photos I’ve ever seen!
They look like they’ve been put
through a copying machine a hundred
times! I don’t see any games in
there! It’s no better than a
picture of Big Foot showing the
woods with nothing in it, or a
picture of the Loch Ness Monster
showing the loch with nothing in
it, or a picture of a UFO showing
the sky with nothing in it! This is
just a picture of a landfill with
NOTHING FUCKING IN IT!

COOPER *
I happen to have seen Big Foot. In
fact, I saw two of them.

NERD
Oh two Big Foots? Wouldn’t they be
Big FEET?

Cooper swerves back into the right lane as his iPhone RINGS. *
He answers.

COOPER *
Mandi!
 18.

MANDI (O.S.)
Cooper buddy, I’m just parking now. *
How close are you guys?

COOPER *
We’re just pulling up now.

NERD
Who is that?

Cooper ignores the Nerd and cups his hand over the iPhone. *

COOPER *
Great Mandi. We’ll see you in a
sec.

NERD
Where are we going?! *

CUT TO: *

25 EXT. BARCADE - DAY 25 *

Cooper’s Yugo pulls up to the parking lot of the BARCADE. One *

part bar, one part arcade. Video Game music fills the air as
gamers of all sorts pour in and out the door. The Nerd and
Cooper walk to the front entrance. A BOUNCER stands by the *
door, nodding as the Nerd and Cooper walk by. *

COOPER *
We’re just stopping for a drink.

CUT TO: *

26 INT. BARCADE - DAY 26 *

The Nerd and Cooper stroll in and the atmosphere is electric. *

Everyone is drinking a brew and there are classic arcade
cabinets everywhere. They walk up to the bar. *

NERD *
(to the Bar Tender) *
Gimme a Rock. Rolling. *

The BAR TENDER rolls over a Rolling Rock beer. *

Just then, a hot busty girl RAVEN, 24, approaches the Nerd.

RAVEN
Are you the Nerd?
 19.

NERD
(skeptically)
Yes.

RAVEN
Oh my God, this is so cool! Will
you sign my breasts?

She holds out a felt tip marker. Cooper watches in amazement. *

NERD
Uh...

Without wasting a second, Cooper grabs the marker from her *

hand and quickly scribbles on her breasts.

COOPER *
I’m his Manager. I handle all the
important documents.

RAVEN
Really? Oh, Okay!

Cooper signs, “The Angry Video Game Nerd.” Busty Girl lights *
up again and bounces away.

The Nerd sips a rolling rock, and sets it down on a table.

Cooper comes over. *

COOPER *
Holy shitsky! She’s got them big
ass titties! I’d like to bang that
booty like... Ugh! Ugh!

He gropes invisible breasts and humps the nearest table,

nearly spilling the Nerd’s Rolling Rock.

NERD
Stop that! Always remember the
golden rule, “nerds before birds.”

Cooper considers this, then lights up and waves at someone *

over the Nerd’s shoulder.

Mandi sits at a table waving and proudly displaying a Rolling

Rock beer bottle. She is now conspicuously dressed more Nerdy
with thick black rimmed glasses and her hair up in a messy
bun.

The Nerd turns to see Mandi who continues to smile and wave
excitedly.
 20.

MANDI
(shouting)
Mr. Nerd, my man!

The Nerd frowns.

NERD
What the hell is this?

COOPER *
This is a tremendous career move
for you Nerd. Just hear her out.

Cooper takes the Nerd by the hand, pulls him over and stuffs *
him into a seat across from Mandi. Mandi shakes Cooper’s hand *
and then goes for the Nerd’s hand.

MANDI
Nerd! I’m Mandi with Cockburn Inc.!

The Nerd doesn’t budge.

MANDI (CONT’D)
I’ve been talking with Cooper *
through e-mail for so long. Glad to
finally meet the Nerd himself! I
know how extremely busy you both
are so I won’t rattle on and on...

The Nerd puts on a polite smile.

MANDI (CONT’D)
I would like to present you with an
exciting new opportunity to review
our newest game! Obviously we at
Cockburn Inc. have seen all your
videos. They’re brilliant! So we
know this game is right up your
alley!
(smiles knowingly)
But talk is cheap, right boys? So
I’ll let this DVD demo walk the
walk- so to speak...

The logo on Mandi’s LAPTOP computer reads COCKBURN INC. with

a rooster facing forward. The Nerd can’t help but notice that
the rooster resembles a “cock”, a long shaft with bright
ruffled feathers at the bottom hinting at a scrotum on fire!

Mandi hits a few keys. A video begins playing. The title

screen reads, E.T. II, Worse than Before.

The Nerd shrieks like a small girl. Cooper covers the Nerd’s *
mouth and smiles at Mandi.
 21.

The Nerd turns a sickly green as a modern adaptation of the

Original Atari E.T. plays on screen. A terribly rendered E.T.
continuously falls down pits in a convoluted 3D environment.

MANDI (CONT’D)
So what have you got to say about
that Nerd?!?

A surge of vomit erupts from the Nerd’s mouth, spraying all

over the laptop and Mandi! *

CUT TO: *

27 EXT. COOPER’S HOUSE - EVENING 27 *

Cooper’s Yugo pulls into his driveway. The Nerd and Cooper *
step out arguing.

NERD
You just automatically assumed I’d
be cool with this?

COOPER *
You never said anything about not
reviewing the new E.T.

NERD
Don’t you understand? If I review
the new one, I’ll end up having to
do the old one too!

COOPER *
Then why not do both?

NERD
I can’t. I physically can’t play
that game. It caused me so much
torment as a child, I’d rather quit
reviewing games permanently.

COOPER *
You’re right, you might as well
find something else. In fact, I can
see you doing a lot of things. Iron
working. Shrimp Boat Captain. Taxi
Driver. Roofing. Nuclear
Decontamination Tech. Reviewing the
E.T. game.

NERD
No!
 22.

COOPER *
Think it over.
(beat)
Anyway, I better get inside, my
mom’s gonna freak out if I’m not
inside by the time the street
lights come on.

The STREET LIGHT turns on. Right away, a WOMAN’S VOICE can be
heard screaming from inside the house.

COOPER’S MOM (O.S.) *

Cooper!!!! *

COOPER *
Bye.

Cooper runs inside. The Nerd sighs, kicks over a trash can, *
then walks next door to his apartment.

CUT TO: *

28 INT. THE NERD’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 28 *

The Nerd enters his bedroom and collapses in his bed. The
room looks especially eerie with only a blue shaft of
moonlight illuminating his surroundings. The Nerd closes his
eyes.

BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE

CUT TO: *

29 INT. FAMILY LIVING ROOM - CHRISTMAS - NIGHT 29 *

YOUNG NERD, age 3, is sitting by a Christmas tree in front of

an early 80’s television set, playing the ATARI 2600 E.T.
GAME. He frantically wobbles the joystick around and mashes
the button over and over. The on-screen pixelated garbage
shows an indefinable E.T. alien falling down pits, then
floating up into the air only to fall back down again. He *
starts to whine, steadily growing into a SCREAM!

The Young Nerd’s mouth becomes a pit. The adult Nerd falls *
into the pit and becomes trapped at the bottom, just like ET *
in the game. He tries to stretch out his neck to float back *
up, but falls... again and again. *

CUT TO: *
 23.

30 INT. THE NERD’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 30 *

The Nerd SCREAMS himself awake.

NERD *
Oh come on! Enough of the falling! *

He rises from the bed, hearing a GROAN come from his closet
door. It creeks open slightly. He grabs a flashlight and
shines it on the door. Another GROAN. The Nerd uses two hands
to steady the flashlight but it’s shaking uncontrollably. The
Nerd slowly reaches for the door handle.

The dim white light brushes over a few stuffed animals and
stops. Out of the corner, in the darkness, he sees something
move. He quickly moves the flashlight to see a stuffed animal
falling over. Nothing more. The Nerd lets out a sigh of
relief, but he still hears the GROANS.

Behind him, in the WINDOW, the ugly HEAD OF E.T. appears out
of the darkness. It looks nothing like the Spielberg movie.
It’s a cheap low budget looking puppet. The Nerd turns around
and SCREAMS.

The HEAD OF E.T. ROARS and CRASHES through the glass! The
Nerd stumbles away and falls, scurrying backwards on the
floor. The flashlight spins around as the E.T. NECK stretches
into the room. The head bares down on the Nerd. He shuts his
eyes.

CUT TO: *

31 EXT. LANDFILL CARNIVAL - NIGHT 31

The Nerd opens his eyes to see the E.T. head is gone. He
picks himself up and stands before a fenced in LANDFILL. The *
sign reads “ATARI LANDFILL.” He begins to hear the SCREAMS *
and LAUGHTER of children coming from beyond the fence.

A carnival spans the entire landfill with each ride

brandishing the name Angry Video Game Nerd. The Nerd’s FACE
can be seen on an E.T. poster, replacing where the movie
character Elliot once was depicted. The Nerd rattles the
chained link fence unable to get in.

The Nerd’s FANS glide around on an E.T. TEA CUP RIDE. MUSIC:
8-Bit carnival theme.

FANS
E.T. Tea Cup! E.T. Tea Cup!

Fans are throwing balls in a basket and winning the E.T.

game.
 24.

The Nerd keeps rattling the fence.

NERD
No! Stop! The game will ruin your
life!

Finally, he lets go and the fence collapses on its own will.

The Nerd enters the carnival and looks around. Fans SCREAM on *
a Ferris Wheel. He gets dizzy looking around. All kinds of
distorted imagery takes place.

One by one the FANS turn to ZOMBIES waving E.T. game carts at
the Nerd.

The Nerd runs from the legion of zombie fans. He runs into a
funhouse and gets trapped in a room full of distorted
mirrors.

One ZOMBIE FAN grabs the Nerd’s arm. It’s a ZOMBIE Cooper! *

ZOMBIE COOPER *
Nnnnneeeeeeerd!

NERD
Cooper! Nooooo! *

END DREAM SEQUENCE

CUT TO: *

32 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 32 *

The Nerd springs awake in a cold sweat. He rises and sits at

the edge of the bed, deep in thought.

NERD
(whispering)
I gotta save the fans.

He leaps off the bed and rushes to his game room.

CUT TO: *

33 INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - GAME ROOM - NIGHT 33 *

The Nerd scurries over to his computer desk and signs into a
World of Warcraft-type game. He mounts his huge 1970’s ear
phones. The Nerd’s forehead beads with sweat as he navigates
a blocky ‘Nerd looking’ character toward a blocky looking
‘Cooper looking’ character. *

CUT TO: *
 25.

34 INT. COOPER’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 34 *

Cooper is seated at his own computer desk with a flat-screen *

monitor, wearing a smaller headset. On his screen is the same
game, but with fully rendered 3D graphics and modern
interface. His EYES light up with surprise.

COOPER *
Nerd!

SPLIT SCREEN

NERD
Cooper. We need to do something *
about this E.T. game. We need to
bury it in the past where it
belongs and prevent future
generations from being emotionally
scarred.

COOPER *
You can’t do that. Like I said,
it’s the most popular bad game of
all time.

NERD
I know. It’s all because of that
stupid landfill story...

The Nerd gets a stroke of brilliance.

NERD (CONT’D)
Wait a minute. Can you meet me
outside? *

CUT TO: *

35 EXT. COOPER’S HOUSE - NIGHT 35 *

The Nerd stands in Cooper’s yard, arms folded, staring at *

Cooper’s bedroom window. The window slides open. Out comes a *
series of bedsheets tied together which tumble to the ground.
The Nerd waits patiently as Cooper climbs down. *

COOPER *
(whispering)
Okay, tell me about this crazy idea
of yours and hurry up. My mom’s
gonna kill me if she finds me out
here.
 26.

NERD
We’re going to find that landfill
and prove that there’s nothing
under there. Maybe then, everybody
can forget about that game.

COOPER *
My Mom doesn’t let me wipe my own
ass let alone go on a trip to
Alamogordo New Mexico!

NERD
Fine! Stay home and be a momma’s
boy. Then there’s no chance you’ll
ever see me review that game. But,
if we find any E.T. games in that
sand, I’ll review it. I’ll review
every single one of them!

Cooper goes deep into thought. *

COOPER *
Okay. It’s a deal. But the only way
to properly search that landfill
would be with ground penetrating
radar and a whole excavation team!

NERD
Then let’s do it!

COOPER *
But we can’t afford that!

NERD
You wanna play manager? Well then
you manage that!

CUT TO: *

36 EXT. NERD’S APARTMENT - DAY 36

A COCKBURN INC. VAN pulls up in front of the Nerd’s apartment

building.

The Nerd and Cooper stumble out the front door carrying boxes *
overflowing with consoles and games. The Nerd’s jaw drops as
he sees his own FACE airbrushed on the side of the van in an
advertisement endorsing the E.T. II game.

NERD
Oh no!
 27.

COOPER *
Cool.

The back doors pop open revealing Mandi.

MANDI
How do you like your new Nerd
Mobile boys?

COOPER *
It’s great.

MANDI
And like I said this trip is fully
endorsed and paid for by Cockburn
Inc. We’ll video document the trip.
It’ll be great content to lead up
to your big game review! And Nerd,
we have a whole excavation team
waiting for us there with ground
penetrating radar. Just like you
asked.

Mandi beams from ear to ear at her job well done and helps
them carry their stuff into the van.

CUT TO: *

37 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 37

Cooper climbs into the drivers seat while the Nerd sits in *
the passenger seat. *

NERD
Big game review? I never agreed to
this?

COOPER *
Well Nerd, you’re gonna have to
review this new game if you want to
debunk the old one. It’s a fair
trade.

NERD
(whispering)
Well... I don’t like the idea of
taking that girl with us.

COOPER *
Relax, Nerd. She’s our producer.
And she’s not a girl. She’s a
gamer.
 28.

Mandi brings some boxes into the back of the van. *

MANDI
Is everything alright over there? *

Cooper holds out his hand to the Nerd. *

COOPER *
At a time like this, the fans need
you more than ever. *

The van begins to pull away. *

CUT TO: *

38 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 38 *

Cooper sits in the driver’s seat. Nerd sits in the passenger *

seat.

COOPER *
Ya know, doesn’t look like this van
has a radio. I brought a lot of
things to install. GPS. Mobile
internet access. Roof camera. But I
forgot to think about music.

NERD
Don’t worry. I’ve got the music
covered.

The Nerd reaches into a large box.

COOPER *
Nice. You got an mp3 player?

NERD
No.

COOPER *
CD player?

NERD
No.

COOPER *
(aggravated)
Cassette? 8 track?

NERD
No.
 29.

COOPER *
Well, what do you got?

The Nerd takes a RECORD PLAYER out of the box and mounts it
on the dashboard.

COOPER (CONT’D) *
You gotta be kidding me. *

CUT TO: *

DRIVING MONTAGE *

39 EXT. EAST COAST ROAD - DAY 39 *

ROCK MUSIC SKIPS over and over as the Van hits bumps on the *
road. The music fades out as the Guitar Guy steps into frame.
The van trails off in the background as Guitar Guy sings a
SONG to the tune of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme, but with
new lyrics lampooning the absurdity of their quest.

CUT TO: *

40 EXT. GAME OFFICERS - DAY 40 *

The Van zooms past the Game Officers, as a police badge *

tumbles across the asphalt. The engraving reads: HERB, SALES.

CUT TO: *

41 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 41 *

Cooper finishes typing and closes his laptop. *

COOPER *
There, Nerd. I just posted an
announcement that you’re doing the
E.T. II review.

The Nerd exhales nervously.

Cooper’s backpack starts BUZZING. He unzips it pulling out *

his vibrating iPhone. The word “MOTHER” flashes with a *
picture of a cranky woman pointing her finger. He sighs,
about to answer the call but stops short. He puts his mother
through to voice mail. Cooper exhales with a smile. *

CUT TO: *
 30.

42 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 42 *

The Nerd and Cooper are in the back installing various *

monitors, equipment and video game hardware. It quickly
converts from a lame commercial van to a virtual nerdy spy
mobile.

A RED LINE draws across a MAP OF THE UNITED STATES, traveling *

from PHILADELPHIA westbound to TENNESSEE.

CUT TO: *

43 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 43 *

Mandi sits in the back of the van, playing Super Mario Bros. *
She runs into the first Goomba and dies. The Nerd looks back
from the passenger seat, turns to Cooper and shakes his head. *

CUT TO: *

44 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 44 *

Mandi is doing a video chat conference with Mr. Cockburn. *

COMPUTER SCREEN

MR. COCKBURN
I don’t know, Mandi. This
excavation project is costly. What
does this have to do with the
Nerd’s E.T. II review?

MANDI
Trust me, Mr. Cockburn. With the
Nerd behind this, and the video
documentation on the trip, we’ll
make a million times the cost.

MR. COCKBURN
Well, we love how you think outside
the box. Since this is your first
big campaign I want to give you
some advice. Don’t get too close to
these Nerds. They are the product.
You can’t sell something that
becomes too precious to part with.
 31.

MANDI
Don’t worry, Mr. Cockburn. They’re
just a couple of dorks. I’ll post
you some video ASAP. *

CUT TO: *

45 EXT. DESERT ROAD - NIGHT 45 *

The van is parked on the side of the road at night. The Nerd, *
Mandi and Cooper are sitting around in the back playing *
games.

CUT TO: *

46 INT. NERD MOBILE - NIGHT 46 *

Cooper shows the Nerd a cartridge of the old E.T. game. The *
Nerd looks at it with disgust and swats it out of Cooper’s *
hand.

A RED LINE draws across a MAP OF THE UNITED STATES, traveling *

along Route 66, crossing into NEW MEXICO, stopping at
ALAMOGORDO.

END MONTAGE *

CUT TO: *

47 EXT. DESERT PATH - DAY 47 *

The Nerd Mobile speeds through the desert and then takes a *
turn going off road. *

CUT TO: *

48 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 48 *

Mandi is driving, while Cooper and the Nerd are stuffed in *

the front peering wide-eyed through the windshield as the
fabled landfill approaches near.

COOPER *
We’re almost there, Nerd.

CUT TO: *
 32.

49 EXT. DESERT PATH - DAY 49 *

The Nerd Mobile drives down the path populated with agave
plants and rusted dumpsters. They go past a sign that reads
“RESTRICTED AREA”.

CUT TO: *

50 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 50 *

The Nerd Mobile pulls up to the landfill, a flat, desolate

stretch of destiny.

Mandi, Cooper, and the Nerd step out. They gaze at the *
landscape in awe. Mandi points to a PICKUP TRUCK.

A FEW WORKERS step out of the truck and unload their “radar”
equipment which resembles a futuristic lawn mower. They also
have a few pickaxes and shovels.

The Nerd folds his arms.

NERD
That’s our excavation team?

MANDI
Yeah, there’s been a little budget
cut.

NERD
Whatever. Let’s film this.

Cooper gets out the video camera and begins filming the Nerd. *

MANDI
Ooh, this is so exciting! My first
Nerd video.

COOPER *
Rolling.

AN INFRARED SATELLITE SURVEILLANCE IMAGE zooms in on the

Nerd and crew from a bird’s eye perspective.

NERD (O.S.)
Okay. Out here in the New Mexico
desert, something allegedly
happened many years ago. We’re
going to get to the bottom of it.
We’re talking E.T. Extra-
Terrestrial...

CUT TO: *
 33.

51 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - DAY 51 *

A group of MEN IN BLACK uniforms sit in front of a row of

monitors and radar equipment. A young SURVEILLANCE OFFICER is
watching the Nerd Mobile on his screen. Through his
headphones, he listens in on the Nerd’s speech.

NERD (O.S.)
...they say E.T. is under this
sand, not too far from where we are
now...

The officer removes his headphones and turns in his chair.

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER
I think we may have something a
little disconcerting here General
Dark Onward... Sounds like they’re
looking for Extra-Terrestrials.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD, a weathered yet broad shouldered

military man looks up from his newspaper while chomping on a
Cuban Cigar.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

What...?

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER
Yes, General. I fear espionage.
Maybe they’re just tourists, but on
the other hand, maybe they’re
terrorist spies.

General Onward tosses his newspaper erratically.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Tourists? Terrorists? What’s the
difference? Scan their vehicle!

The officer hits some buttons. The image zooms into the Nerd
Mobile sitting idly on the outskirts of the landfill. An X-
RAY type visual appears showing the van is full of electronic
equipment. Dark Onward gets overly excited.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

I’ll take care of this.

He pushes a button.

CUT TO: *
 34.

52 EXT. DESERT GROUND - CONTINUOUS 52 *

MISSILES rise from the ground, pointing toward the Nerd

Mobile in the distance.

CUT TO: *

53 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 53 *

SERGEANT MOLLY MCBUTTER rises from her chair. She is hard and
speaks with a gruff, masculine voice. Despite all this she
somehow manages to be sexy.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
General! If you don’t mind me
saying. That’s a little excessive.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Oh I guess you’re right.

He pushes another button.

CUT TO: *

54 EXT. DESERT GROUND - CONTINUOUS 54 *

The missiles retract back into the ground.

CUT TO: *

55 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 55 *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Send an MP unit to search their
vehicle. Make sure they don’t have
anything that shall threaten our
homeland security!
(beat)
On second thought, I think I should
see to this one personally.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
I don’t think that will be
necessary General. Err. You’re too
vital to, um... larger stuff.

Other Officers share nervous looks.

 35.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

No, I insist. If something
important is about to blow up, I’m
gonna be there.

The General wheelchairs himself out from behind the table. We

see that grenades are strapped to him and that his legs are
missing. His wheelchair has ridiculous tank treads for
wheels.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

God damned alien hunters...

CUT TO: *

56 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 56 *

Cooper is still videotaping the Nerd as Mandi watches. They *

are both following close behind the workers who are scanning
the ground.

NERD
(mocking)
Hey guys, you find anything?

WORKERS
No, man.

COOPER *
Patience, Nerd. It’ll take a while
to analyze the data.

NERD
I hate to be the one to debunk the
myth, but it has to be done. One
day you grow up and find out
there’s no Santa Claus. Any other
line of thinking only leads to
disappointment.

COOPER *
That’s not true! Santa Claus is
real!

Cooper’s camera work gets shakier as he loses himself in *

conversation.

NERD
Sure. You’d believe the world is
flat.
 36.

Suddenly OUTER SPACE appears in the sky above the silhouetted

Nerd and crew. An animated SANTA CLAUS appears, followed by a
globe which rolls in to crush him.

COOPER *
It IS flat!

NERD
Yeah? Well, how come nobody ever
fell off the edge?

Santa picks himself up and dusts himself off only to get

thrown off the edge as the globe rotates forward revealing a
flat edge.

COOPER *
Gravity.

Santa Claus snaps back to the flattened earth.

MANDI
(amused)
Oh, okay. Well hasn’t the world
been photographed from space?

COOPER *
Have you ever examined a photograph
of the world? You only see one side
at a time. See, the Earth is flat
like a coin. The water and land
roll over it like a conveyor belt.
That’s why we have day and night.

An exhausted Santa is now forced to run on the earth like a

treadmill.

NERD
What about Heaven and Hell? You
believe in that?

An ancient rendering of HEAVEN and HELL appear above and

below the earth. Santa trips on the conveyer belt whipping
around in circles, only to get flung to Hell.

COOPER *
Of course. It all comes down to
Death Mwauthzyx. That’s a known
fact of nature.

NERD
Death... what?
 37.

COOPER *
Death Mwauthzyx. You don’t know
about that?

NERD
No, please educate me.

COOPER *
Death Mwauthyzx is a cyber mutant
death God living under Mount Fuji.
He created both God and Satan.

NERD
(sarcastic)
Oh, of course.

COOPER *
I swear. This is real. And this
thing holds the power to end all
life as we know it. With one turn
of the satellite dish on top of his
head, every universe in the
multiverse will disappear, the
ultraverse and megaverse will
collapse, the six dimensions will
flatten to one, and all existence
will be obliterated.

MANDI
So everything you believe exists
will no longer exist?

COOPER *
No, it would be as if they never
existed at all.

One by one, Santa, the Earth, Heaven and Hell all pop like
bubbles leaving total darkness.

NERD
Non-existence. No space? Nothing?

COOPER *
Nope. Well, there is one thing that
would remain. A bologna sandwich.

A bologna sandwich slowly emerges, spiraling out from the

darkness.

MANDI
A giant bologna sandwich? Or just a
regular-
 38.

COOPER *
No size. There would be nothing
else in existence to compare it to,
therefore, it would be scaleless.

NERD
Wow, scaleless. That’s the
stupidest thing I ever heard.

Suddenly, a MILITARY JEEP pulls up. Sergeant McButter is

driving. Two MILITARY OFFICERS are in there, and Dark Onward
is sitting in the back.

COOPER *
Ah! It’s the fuzz! We don’t have a
permit. I’m gonna make a run for
it!

Cooper runs for the Nerd Mobile. The Nerd chases him and *
grabs Cooper by the arm. *

NERD
No, Cooper! Don’t be so suspicious! *

Mandi comes over.

MANDI
Yeah, let’s just play it cool.

Mandi looks back to see the pickup truck speeding off over
the horizon. The workers have taken their equipment and ran.

Sergeant McButter exits the jeep while General Dark Onward

sits in the backseat grinding his cigar.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
You guys! Put your hands on the
vehicle!

Nerd, Cooper and Mandi all obey. *

SERGEANT MCBUTTER (CONT’D)

Whatcha guys got in the back of
that big van? Migrant workers? Sex
traffic? Drug mules? You all have
cocaine stuffed up your butts?

COOPER *
No. Just video games.

McButter looks confused. General Dark Onward’s demeanor

becomes more serious.
 39.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Let me out!

The two Military officers get out of the jeep and begin
trying to help Dark Onward out.

Mandi gives a reassuring smile to the Nerd.

MANDI
(to Nerd)
Don’t worry. I got this.

Mandi removes her hands from the van and turns to McButter.

MANDI (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, mam. We didn’t know we
were doing anything wrong.

McButter’s dressage whip screams through the air snapping

against Mandi’s hands.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Hands on the vehicle!

MANDI
Woah honey, don’t get your panties
in a bunch.

McButter grabs Mandi by the hair and pulls her down to her
knees. They exchange some intense eye contact. McButter
caresses her cheek with the dressage whip and smiles.

COOPER *
Hot.

Onward strains to see the action.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Jesus Christ, men! Help me down.

The Military officers help to lift the General’s wheelchair

to the ground.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

You had 2 days! Why can’t you get a
ramp installed?!

MILITARY OFFICER #1
Sorry, sir. We can’t keep up with
your accidents.

General Dark Onward wheels his motorized tank tread

wheelchair next to McButter. He throws his cigar to the
ground and wheels back and forth over it.
 40.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

(to the officers)
Check the van!

The military officers pop the van’s rear doors open. They
fumble about, looking at the games and various computer gear.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Whatcha got back there?

MILITARY OFFICER #2
Just video games.

Dark Onward ponders for a moment, then wheels over to Cooper. *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

I want the truth! You boys trying *
to uncover government secrets?

COOPER *
No, I swear, we’re just here to do
a game review.
(beat)
See?

Cooper quickly reaches in his pocket revealing the E.T. game. *

The General flinches.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

He’s armed!

BAM! Military officer #1 fires off a SHOT. It hits the E.T.

cartridge out of Cooper’s hand and it EXPLODES into plastic *
shards.

COOPER *
Noooo!

The General rips a grenade from his belt. The two Officers
run for cover. Sergeant McButter covers her head.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
No General! Please, God!--

The General pulls the pin and waves his grenade around
manically.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Listen here, numb nuts. You see *
this? This would put a second anus
where your head used to be. You
wanna fuck with our country, you
fuck with Dark Onward!
 41.

The General winds his arm back as if to throw the grenade out
into the desert.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Feast your eyes on this! *

The grenade slips from the general’s hands and lands on the *
ground, below his wheelchair.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Oops! Somebody come get that!

The other officers watch helplessly.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

What the hell are you all doing?
Come help me!

The general bends over, trying to reach the grenade. His

legless body falls out of the wheelchair and onto the ground
beside the grenade.

BOOOOOOM! The grenade explodes enveloping the street in a

giant fireball. Dark Onward gets blow to the side of the road
as everyone takes cover. The fireball dissipates leaving the
Generals arm briefly suspended in mid air, then plopping to
the ground. One officer runs over to tend to the General’s
blood spurting shoulder stump, while the other grabs his
stray arm.

NERD
Hurry! Cooper! To the Nerd Mobile! *

Cooper is sobbing over the remains of the shattered E.T. *

cartridge.

COOPER *
Wait! I have to give it a proper
burial.

He sprinkles the pieces into the sand and begins chanting a

made up TRIBAL BURIAL SONG. The Nerd grabs him by the arm.

NERD
C’mon!

Cooper scoops the pieces out of the sand, just in time, *

before the Nerd drags him back into the van. Mandi pounds the
gas.

The Nerd mobile speeds off, leaving the military officers in

a cloud of dust.
 42.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

After them!

CUT TO: *

57 EXT. CLICHE STREET - DAY 57 *

The Nerd Mobile barrels down a dusty road that cuts through a
quaint residential area full of outdoor vendors and shops.

CUT TO: *

58 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 58 *

The gang buckles up tight as the van bounces around. Cooper *

glances in the side mirror to see the jeep approaching
quickly.

COOPER *
They’re after us! Go! Go!

CUT TO: *

59 EXT. CLICHE STREET - CONTINUOUS 59 *

The jeep trails behind the Nerd Mobile. Dark Onward is

shouting like a mad man.

Various RACING VIDEO GAME SHOTS are intercut like Spy Hunter.

The Nerd Mobile hits a bump and sails into the air. It hits
the ground and kicks up a cloud of sand.

Coming up, they pass a wooden sign that reads “CLICHE

STREET.”

CUT TO: *

60 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 60 *

Everybody exchanges confused looks. Then, they all look

ahead, and SCREAM! Through the windshield, they see...

CUT TO: *

61 EXT. CLICHE STREET - CONTINUOUS 61 *

...a pile of BOXES stacked up right in the middle of the

road. The van smashes through them, k
 43.

nocking boxes all over.

The Jeep swerves to avoid random boxes flying their way.

CUT TO: *

62 INT. MILITARY JEEP - CONTINUOUS 62 *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD *

(holding a cloth to his *
stump) *
What is it with all these fucking *
boxes?

CUT TO: *

63 EXT. CLICHE STREET - CONTINUOUS 63 *

The Nerd Mobile swerves back and forth to set its course
straight again, when it approaches a fruit stand. FRUIT
SELLERS run out of the way. The van crashes through the
stand, scattering fruit everywhere.

PEOPLE dive out of the way of the oncoming vehicles, shouting *

the famous WIHELM SCREAM. (A stock sound effect heard in
hundreds of films.)

NERD *
That fucking scream! Every movie! *

Another PERSON jumps away as the scream is heard again. *

NERD (CONT’D) *
Fine! Let’s just get it all out! *

The sound effect is repeated several times as many PEOPLE

jump away.

Coming up as a grand finale in this obstacle course of

cliches is TWO MEN carrying a sheet of GLASS, walking across
the street. The Sheet has a big X of tape across the center.

CUT TO: *
 44.

64 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 64 *

NERD
Look out!

CUT TO: *

65 EXT. CLICHE STREET - CONTINUOUS 65 *

The Nerd Mobile swerves and avoids the glass sheet.

Next comes the Jeep, racing straight toward it.

CUT TO: *

66 INT. MILITARY JEEP - CONTINUOUS 66 *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD *

Nooooooo! *

CUT TO: *

67 EXT. CLICHE STREET - CONTINUOUS 67 *

The jeep hits the glass dead on, but instead of the glass
breaking...

BOOOOM!!!!

The jeep explodes into a burst of flame.

Dark Onward sits in the flaming wreck with McButter, and the
two soldiers. They all share confused looks. One of the men, *
still holding the glass, leans over. *

MAN WITH GLASS *

Double pane. *

CUT TO: *

68 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 68 *

Mandi roars down a dusty side street as the Nerd hugs the
back of the passenger seat shocked to still be alive. Cooper *
is also in the back.

Cooper stares hopelessly at his hand full of sand, broken *

plastic and shattered circuit board.
 45.

COOPER *
Looks like doing an E.T. review
will be tough now.

NERD
Darn. Just when I was finally
warming up to the idea.

COOPER *
Really?

NERD
No.

MANDI
So what was that mad man shouting
about? We did nothing wrong!

COOPER *
Something about government secrets.
Y’know, we’re only a couple hours
away from Roswell.

MANDI
Yeah, isn’t that where the UFO
crashed?

COOPER *
Yes, in 1947.

NERD
Oh for the love of Pong! One hoax
at a time! There’s probably a
perfectly logical reason why those *
fucknuts didn’t want us near that *
landfill.

Cooper closes his hand to squeeze out some of the sand from *
the broken game cartridge. He opens his hand back up to see
that the circuit board is intact again, although the plastic
around it is still broken.

COOPER *
What happened? You see that, Nerd?

The Nerd notices, but dismisses the idea.

NERD
I guess they didn’t destroy it
totally.

COOPER *
But... it just came back together.
 46.

NERD
No. That didn’t happen. We’re
dehydrated and hallucinating.

COOPER *
I think there’s more to this game
then we realize. We should go to
the source... Howard Scott Warshaw.

Cooper begins pecking away at a keyboard, bringing up *

satellite map images on a monitor.

NERD
The guy who made the game?
Seriously?

COOPER *
Yeah, why not?

NERD
Okay, fine. He’ll agree that there
are no E.T. cartridges under that
landfill. Even better, we’ll get
him saying it on video.

On the monitor, a series of rings home in to pinpoint a spot

on a map screen.

COOPER *
Bingo.

CUT TO: *

69 EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY 69 *

The Nerd Mobile races down the highway as Guitar Guy sings on
the side of the road. *

CUT TO: *

70 EXT. OLD SHACK - DAY 70 *

The Nerd Mobile pulls up to an old broken down shack, far off
the main roadways. The windows are covered by rusted metal
shutters. The yard is littered with pieces of chicken wire
and rusted bear traps.

The gang begins to walk up, but doesn’t get three strides,
when a ravenous ATTACK DOG crashes through the glass of the
first floor window. He immediately goes for Cooper. *
 47.

VOICE (O.S.)
Get’em Yars! Get’em!

BARK! BARK! Cooper runs off screaming as the dog snaps at *

him.

The second story shutters spring open. A MASKED MAN pokes his
head out, carrying a rifle. His face is covered in a blank,
ninja-like, Cobra Commander-type mask. He cocks his rifle.

MASKED MAN
You’re not taking me alive, you no
good, god damn, gum shoe, son of a
bitch!

BANG! BANG! Everybody SCREAMS and runs back toward the Nerd
Mobile! The man cocks the rifle again and brings it to his
eye.

NERD
Wait! We’re just gamers. We want to
ask you some questions about E.T.

MASKED MAN
E.T? Eat lead, you FBI scum!

He FIRES another shot, taking the head off an old flamingo

lawn ornament.

NERD
We’re not FBI! We’re just gamers
who want an interview.

The man lowers his rifle.

MASKED MAN
Really? Okay then. Heel Yars!

Yars wimpers and heads in through the doggie door. The

shutters snap shut. Pots and pans CLANG and various other
noises can he heard from inside which slowly make their way
to the front door. The door slowly CREAKS open.

Everybody stands in place catching their breath. The Nerd

leans over to see nothing behind the door but darkness.

COOPER *
Oh Good. Should I get the camera?

NERD
No. Not yet. I have a funny feeling
about this.
 48.

The three of them approach the entrance slowly and carefully,

led by the Nerd.

CUT TO: *

71 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY 71 *

The Nerd steps inside. Then Mandi. Then Cooper. They’re in an *

impossibly large, barren, dusty HALLWAY leading to an
innocent and welcoming looking kitchen. The man is nowhere in
sight.

The Nerd takes a step and is alarmed by a mysterious BUZZING

sound. He looks over to see a series of blinking red sensors.

NERD
Metal detectors.

The crew walk through as they appear in skeletonized X-ray

form, like Total Recall.

They pass by and are now nearly halfway to the kitchen.

Suddenly, a TRAP DOOR drops open on the floor leading to a
fiery abyss of smoke and flame!

COOPER *
Oh fucky ducky! Let’s go!

MANDI
He’s testing us. You can do it,
Nerd. It’s a game.

The Nerd looks up to see a series of block platforms hovering

in the air, leading over the pit, but they are too high to
reach.

NERD
An impossible one that relies on
the gamer to take a shitty guess.
Like maybe there’s an invisible
block...

The Nerd jumps and throws his fist in the air. Suddenly, a
block APPEARS, Super Mario Bros-style. The Nerd is surprised.

NERD (CONT’D)
Alright!

The Nerd climbs up onto the block and jumps his way across
the rest of the platforms. FIREBALLS begin flying from the
pit.
 49.

NERD (CONT’D)
Can’t say I didn’t expect that!

He watches the pattern and makes his way across without

getting hit. The rest of the gang follows.

CUT TO: *

72 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 72 *

The Nerd, Mandi and Cooper step into the kitchen. The floors *
are hardwood. The sink, refrigerator, and kitchen appliances
are vintage and worn. There’s indefinable scientific
equipment scattered around and papers tacked to the walls,
each with some kind of diagram or math problem.

The masked man breezes out with a tray full of lemonade.

MASKED MAN
Care for some refreshment?

Everyone remains silent, staring at the man’s mask.

NERD
Are you Howard Scott W...

The man removes his mask to reveal a bearded and wild eyed
face. DR. LOUIS ZANDOR.

NERD (CONT’D)
...what?

DR. ZANDOR
My name is Dr. Louis Zandor.

Everyone looks confused.

CUT TO: *

73 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 73 *

Cooper, Mandi and Zandor all sit and sip on lemonade. Cooper *
looks down at Yars, Zandor’s attack dog as he wags his tail
under the table.

NERD
What the hell was all that back
there?

DR. ZANDOR
I had to make sure you were just
gamers.
(MORE)
 50.

DR. ZANDOR (CONT'D)

Only a gamer would know to jump at
nothing to find a hidden block.
(cryptically)
But something tells me you’re not
just some gamer, but thee gamer...

Zandor turns his attention to Mandi’s Atari shirt.

DR. ZANDOR (CONT’D)

You know the Atari logo was based
off Mount Fuji? I always found that
odd.
(beat)
Anyway, how may I help you?

NERD
Well, we obviously came to the
wrong place. We were looking for
Howard Scott Warshaw.

DR. ZANDOR
Why do you seek Warshaw?

MANDI
We wanted to ask him about the E.T.
Atari game. Specifically, the
legend of the landfill.

DR. ZANDOR
(laughs)
Not true! Not true!

Zandor’s tone turns serious. He swings open the refrigerator

door, grabs the Nerd and forces his head inside.

DR. ZANDOR (CONT’D)

Everybody, in the fridge! Now!

Mandi and Cooper pop their heads in. (Camera is inside fridge *
looking out.)

DR. ZANDOR (CONT’D)

(whispering)
They might be listening. You
understand? But they can’t hear us
in the fridge.

NERD
Who may be listening?

DR. ZANDOR
Who do you THINK?

DISSOLVE TO: *
 51.

74 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - FLASHBACK - DAY 74 *

A YOUNG ZANDOR sits in a lab with a white coat on gazing into

a Bunsen burner when a group of MILITARY MEN approach.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

You see, many years ago, I was a
scientist for a non-existent place
called Dreamland or Area 51, as
civilians have come to know it. It
was the height of the Cold War and
the Americans were as paranoid as
potheads at a policemen’s ball.

CUT TO: *

75 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 75 *

(Camera is inside fridge looking out.)

The Nerd looks immediately doubtful.

NERD
So you’re an ex-Area 51 employee?
Geez, don’t people ever get bored
of Area 51 nonsense?

DR. ZANDOR
Yes it’s true, now listen. Want
some chocolate pudding?

NERD
That’s okay.

DR. ZANDOR
A beer?

NERD
Fine.

Zandor reaches over the Nerd’s head and grabs a beer from
within the fridge.

DR. ZANDOR
Here ya go. Anyway...

CUT TO: *
 52.

76 INT. AREA 51 - WAREHOUSE - FLASHBACK - DAY 76 *

The Military Men open two large elephant doors casting a

silvery reflection on YOUNG LOUIS ZANDOR’S face. He can’t
believe what he sees.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

I was the rising star of their
aerodynamics program, so they put
me onto the ongoing TOP SECRET
Roswell project as their head
Reverse Engineer.

COOPER (V.O.) *
Roswell! There it is again. The UFO
that crashed in Roswell in 1947!

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.) *

Precisely.

77 EXT. ROSWELL DESERT - FLASHBACK - DAY 77 *

BLACK AND WHITE: We see a glimmering round spacecraft

crashing into the desert like a skipping stone, scattering
it’s fragments everywhere.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

When that sucker crashed in the
desert, it broke up like one of
those clay pigeons in Duck Hunt.
There was metallic debris all over
the desert.

CUT TO: *

78 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 78 *

(Camera is inside fridge looking out.)

NERD
Or debriS. (pronouncing the ‘S’)

DR. ZANDOR
No, it’s debris.

NERD
There’s an ‘s’ why isn’t it
pronounced as debriS?
 53.

DR. ZANDOR
A greater mystery than this.
Anyway...

CUT TO: *

79 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - FLASHBACK - DAY 79 *

We see the pieces of space metal laid out on a white table as

scientists gather around puzzled.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

This metal was like nothing on
Earth. It was thin, almost
identical to tin foil. Except that
it reacted strange when you played
around with it displaying strange
magnetic properties.

Young Louis Zandor conducting experiments. He can be seen

from the waist up hammering. He flips down his welding mask
and sparks begin to fly everywhere.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

Even though I came onto this
project in the 70’s, I was one of
few who figured how to harness the
powers of this “metal”. The
government wanted me to rebuild
them the Roswell spaceship.

Young Zandor looks down at a blueprint for a spaceship.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

But I realized that any nation with
a spacecraft like that would have
unstoppable power. Our civilization
wasn’t ready for that so I refused
to continue on the project.
Needless to say I was forced into
resignation.

CUT TO: *

80 EXT. AREA 51 - SECURITY BOOTH - FLASHBACK - DAY 80 *

Young Louis Zandor is escorted by Military jeep off Military

grounds.

DR. ZANDOR (O.S.)

After that, my life quickly went
into a tail spin.
(MORE)
 54.

DR. ZANDOR (O.S.) (CONT'D)

I couldn’t find work as a Custodial
Engineer let alone a Reverse
Engineer.

NERD
What does this have to do with
anything?

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

Well, my resentment towards those
Area 51 pricks got the best of me.
And I found the instrument of my
retribution--

CUT TO: *

81 INT. ATARI OFFICE - FLASHBACK - DAY 81 *

We see a room full of computers with an Atari logo on a wood-

paneled wall.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

--video games.

COOPER (V.O.) *
Cool.

Images of Atari 2600 games such as Yars Revenge and Raiders

of the Lost Ark flash on-screen.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

I took notice of a young pioneering
game designer, Howard Scott
Warshaw, whose games were
revolutionary in their day. Not
only were they met with great
success, but he also came up with
inventive ways of hiding little
secrets within the games such as
his own initials or hidden
characters. This gave me the
inspiration I needed.

Images of Zandor sitting at a computer, programming a code.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.) *

I began developing a program which
emulates the Area 51 floor plan. A
perfect blue-print of their
precious secret base.

Images of Atari’s E.T.

 55.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

Meanwhile, Warshaw was greeted by
Steven Spielberg, thrilled with his
design for Raiders of the Lost Ark.
That is when he was asked to begin
the now infamous E.T. game.

YOUNG HOWARD SCOTT WARSHAW slumps over his desk, struggling

to work out the kinks to E.T. His face is turned away from
the camera.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

Atari gave him only 5 weeks to
complete the whole project. Yes,
the game was finished, but no one
can single-handedly design a game
in 5 weeks. Unbeknownst to
everyone, that final night before
the Christmas deadline, a shadow
figure lurked in Atari
headquarters. Oh yes, that final
hour when Warshaw was greeted by a
devil on his shoulder. That devil
was me. I offered him my Area 51
code, and he accepted.

CUT TO: *

82 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 82 *

(Camera is inside fridge looking out.)

The Nerd snorts.

NERD
So you’re saying the E.T. game
sucks ass because it’s not really a
game? It’s a floor plan to Area 51?

CUT TO: *

83 INT. ATARI WAREHOUSE - FLASHBACK - DAY 83 *

Thousands of E.T. boxes are taken away on forklifts.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

(laughing)
What can I say? Subversiveness has
always been my downfall...
(MORE)
 56.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Naturally, I was on a Watch List
and they found out or whatever and
the next thing I know, the
Government, not Atari...

CUT TO: *

84 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - FLASHBACK - DAY 84 *

Dump trucks begin dumping the E.T. game cartridges into the
landfill.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

...orders a recall on all the games
and dumps them into the Alamogordo
desert.

COOPER *
Holy shit.

DR. ZANDOR
Meanwhile, I was given hard time to
serve.

CUT TO: *

85 INT. WHITE COLLAR PRISON - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 85 *

Zandor sits on a cell bed, head in hands as the shadow of

prison bars draw across his face.

NERD (V.O.)
You don’t say...

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

But I escaped...

CUT TO: *

86 EXT. WHITE COLLAR PRISON - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 86 *

Zandor runs from the prison, soaking wet in a thunderstorm.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

...and I’ve been on the run ever
since.

CUT TO: *
 57.

87 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 87 *

(Camera is inside fridge looking out.)

DR. ZANDOR
My only satisfaction lies in the
fact that, before I quit Area 51, I
stole the dreamland material to
prevent them from ever reassembling
the spaceship.

MANDI
You stole the pieces of the UFO?

CUT TO: *

88 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 88 *

Zandor reaches out to a piece of space metal, shimmering on

top of a steel pedestal. He’s holding a piece of tin foil and
carefully swaps it with the metal, Indiana Jones style.

DR. ZANDOR (V.O.)

I had to. I replaced it all with
ordinary tin foil. And I’ve kept it
safely hidden to this very day.

CUT TO: *

89 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 89 *

(Camera is inside fridge looking out.)

NERD
Okay... I think I’ve got all that.
Basically, you put a map of the
most top secret place in the world
in a video game, all out of
revenge?

DR. ZANDOR
Not quite. It was to save my
friend. So that I could one day
return to rescue the Alien.

NERD
(uncomfortably)
Ha! We have an alien now too?

COOPER *
What is wrong with you Nerd? This
is the real deal.
 58.

DR. ZANDOR
Yes, not being able to save him is
my greatest regret.
(beat)
Anyway, I’m too old now for rescue
missions...

Zandor zones out. Mandi looks at him and nods

sympathetically, then snaps him out of it.

MANDI
Louis.

DR. ZANDOR
Yes dear?

MANDI
I’m cold.

CUT TO: *

90 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT 90 *

The one-armed no legged General Dark Onward sits in his

command center as the Surveillance Officer watches the
surveillance monitor and listens in on headphones. On the
screen, we can see an image of Louis, Mandi, Cooper and the *
Nerd taking their heads back out of the fridge.

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER
Sorry general, I wasn’t able to
hear much when they were huddled in
the fridge. I’ll keep an ear on
them.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Whatever. I just can’t believe that
after 25 years, we’ve finally found
Dr. Louis Zandor. Those fools led
us straight to his doorstep.
(to McButter)
Send the order out. Tonight, I want
Zandor apprehended and groveling at
my feet.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Yes, General.

The General wheels over to another computer monitor and hits

some buttons with his one arm. An image appears on-screen of
MILITARY MAINTENANCE MEN at the Atari Landfill. They are
constructing an electric barb wired security fence around the
perimeters.
 59.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

How’s that fence coming?

MAINTENANCE MEN
Good, sir. We’ll have the whole
landfill closed off by tonight.
Nobody will be getting in here
anymore.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Excellent. I’ve been asking since
1983 for that God damn fence!

The General shuts off the monitor and wheels himself into the
next room.

CUT TO: *

91 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - DAY 91 *

A line of MILITARY ENGINEERS stand at attention as Onward

wheels past them sizing each one up.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Alright men. The time for the space
craft’s maiden voyage draws near.
With the help of this extra-
terrestrial technology, I look
forward to the day where we can
incinerate anyone who doesn’t eat,
breathe and crap American. Let me
have a look at your progress.

MILITARY ENGINEER
Yes sir.

The MILITARY ENGINEERS disappear into the next room. The

floor begins to RUMBLE as they emerge rolling a TEN FOOT TALL
TIN FOIL BALL before Onward.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Ah. It looks great. And have you
mastered the metal’s mysterious
melding powers?

MILITARY ENGINEER
Absolutely.

The Engineer exhibits a piece of tin foil and smacks it to

the side of the foil ball.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Fabulous. Proceed with your work.
 60.

The General nods and begins to wheel off when the piece of
tin foil falls to the floor. The General looks back.

The Engineer scurries to pick up the loose foil and packs it

back onto the foil ball. The General squints suspiciously
then proceeds to the door.

CUT TO: *

92 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 92 *

Zandor is toying around with some ancient radio equipment.

Different electrical gadgets buzz to life. His living room
looks like a mad scientist’s experiment.

The Nerd, Mandi and Cooper are watching from the staircase, *
all dressed in pajamas.

DR. ZANDOR
You’ll all be safe here from the
Men In Black, now that my stealth
cloaking system is activated.

NERD
How does that work?

DR. ZANDOR
Well, I first employed this
technology on the E.T. game. You
know how every time you play the
game, the 3 phone pieces and the
call zone are always hidden
someplace different.

NERD
Oh you mean that annoying shit
where it sends the gamer on one big
wild goose chase?!

DR. ZANDOR
Precisely. It will re-orient the
position of the Men in Black’s
radar detection system, to make it
appear that the house is randomly
appearing all over their grid.

NERD
Ingenious.
 61.

DR. ZANDOR
Right. The only side-effect is that
the TV and phone reception gets a
little choppy here, but I’m working
on the bugs.
(beat)
For now, make yourself at home.
There’s video games upstairs.
(stern)
Just make sure you never step
outside.

MANDI
Okay. Thanks Zandor.

CUT TO: *

93 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 93 *

The Nerd sits down on the edge of the bed, brooding.

MANDI
What’s the matter, Nerd.

NERD
Zandor says the landfill story is
true... and more! Whether he’s
crazy or not, all those stories
about Area 51 are just going to
generate more interest in the E.T.
game and innocent gamers will
suffer because of it.

MANDI
I can think of something we can do
that might lift your spirits.

Mandi smiles suggestively. The Nerd looks nervous.

CUT TO: *

94 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 94 *

Zandor sits downstairs watching television. The picture keeps

going to static, but is still barely watchable. He can hear
Mandi GIGGLING through the ceiling. Zandor looks up and
smiles. He changes the channel with his remote. Mandi’s
giggle soon gives way to a repetitive banging. Zandor looks
up at the ceiling curiously.
 62.

MANDI (O.S.)
Oh my God! It’s so hard!

CUT TO: *

95 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 95 *

The Nerd and Mandi are laughing hysterically as they jog in

place on the NES Power Pad, playing Track and Field.

NERD
(breathing heavy)
Yeah, it is.

MANDI
Faster! Faster!

CUT TO: *

96 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 96 *

The BANGING grows louder. Curiously, Zandor lowers the volume

on the TV.

MANDI (V.O.)
I normally don’t do it on the pad!

Zandor cringes and turns the volume back up.

CUT TO: *

97 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 97 *

Mandi is winning the game.

MANDI
I’m almost there! Yes! Yes!

Mandi drops down to her hands and knees and starts pounding
on the mat, cheating.

NERD
Don’t use your hands!

The Nerd grabs Mandi and pulls her back to her feet.

Cooper watches from the bed, jealous. *

CUT TO: *
 63.

98 EXT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - NIGHT 98 *

All the lights go out as night stars swirl behind Zandor’s

house.

CUT TO: *

99 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - NIGHT 99 *

Mandi drools peacefully on her pillow when her iPhone begins *

to vibrate. She springs up startled. The phone reads “Mr.
Cockburn”.

MANDI
Ugh, Cockburn. It’s 3AM.

Mandi answers.

MANDI (CONT’D)
Hello?

MR. COCKBURN
Mandi...
(Static)
You’ve got to meet me.
(Static, static)
...to the Atari Landfill...

Mandi sits up alert.

MANDI
Hang on Cockburn, you’re breaking
up. Go again.

MR. COCKBURN
(static)
...amazing idea!
(static)
We’ll do a game convention to
advertise E.T. II at the Atari
landfill!
(static)
Can you meet me there in the
morning? It’s gonna be great!

Mandi’s heart skips a beat.

MANDI
No Cockburn, listen to me
carefully. Do not go to the
landfill!
 64.

MR. COCKBURN
Huh? Go to the landfill? Great.

MANDI
No, DON’T go to the landfill!

MR. COCKBURN
Well, anyway Mandi, you’re breaking
up so I’ll meet you in the morning.

CLICK. Cockburn hangs up.

MANDI
Shit.

CUT TO: *

100 EXT. DESERT FIELD - NIGHT 100 *

A military jeep passes by under a full moon, with McButter,

and Military Officers #1 and #2 inside.

CUT TO: *

101 INT. MILITARY JEEP - NIGHT 101

A green glowing RADAR bleeps on screen showing the supposed

location of Zandor’s house. General Onward’s voice blares
over the dispatch. Sergeant McButter picks up.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
General. We are closing in on
Zandor’s house as we speak.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (O.S.)

You never cease to please me,
McButter.

Military Officer #1 squints at the radar and sees Zandor’s

house jump to a new location.

MILITARY OFFICER #1
Wait a minute. Every time the radar
wipes over Zandor’s house it’s at a
different coordinate.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
General, scratch that. We don’t
seem to have the right location.
The radar is jumping all over the
place.
 65.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (O.S.)

You never cease to disappoint me,
McButter.

BEEP. Zandor’s house jumps again.

McButter looks up and notices the shape of a woman running in

the distance.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Wait a minute!

CUT TO: *

102 EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT 102 *

Mandi trots down a desert path with her phone up to her ear.

MANDI
Come on Cockburn, answer.

Mandi looks angrily at her phone. The bars are showing that
the reception is still not 100% yet.

Suddenly the sound of a rumbling jeep can be heard. Mandi

looks up as the jeep comes around the bend and slows to a
stop. Mandi is blinded by the headlights.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER (O.S.) *

Freeze! Put your hands up!

Mandi slowly raises her arms only to give the jeep two middle
fingers.

McButter steps out and rushes Mandi like a bull. She knocks
Mandi to the ground.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER (CONT’D) *

Take me to Dr. Louis Zandor!

MANDI
Never!

McButter cocks her semi-automatic and smushes Mandi’s nose

with it.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Get in the jeep! You’re taking us
to Zandor’s house, now!

Mandi sneers.
 66.

MANDI
Fine, bitch.

CUT TO: *

103 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - MORNING 103 *

Cooper watches the Nerd with disdain as the sun rises across *
his face. The Nerd snores asleep.

COOPER *
Nerd. Pssst.

Cooper throws a pillow at the Nerd rousing him from sleep. *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
The girl. We have to ditch her.

NERD
What are you talking about? Mandi?
Our Producer? I thought she was a
gamer not a girl?

COOPER *
She’s no gamer! After everything
Zandor said. I think she’s a secret
agent.

NERD
A secret agent? No way.

COOPER *
C’mon! We were chased by military
police. The girl knows too much.
She’s working for them!

NERD
Cooper, there’s no reason for *
acting this way!

The Nerd gets up and leaves the room. Cooper follows after *
him.

COOPER *
Acting this way? You’re the one
who’s acting weird now, just
because you have a little
girlfriend all of a sudden.

NERD
Oh fuck off!
 67.

COOPER *
Don’t break the code. Remember,
“nerds before birds”.

The nerd snorts.

NERD
Come with me Cooper. We’re going to *
settle this like adults.

CUT TO: *

104 INT. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - MORNING 104 *

The Nerd knocks on Mandi’s bedroom door.

NERD
Mandi?

He opens it and looks around. Empty.

CUT TO: *

105 INT. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING 105 *

The Nerd peers around the house. Cooper follows with his arms *
folded.

NERD
Mandi?

Zandor enters.

DR. ZANDOR
What’s wrong?

NERD
Where’s Mandi?

COOPER *
This happens in every movie.

NERD
You mean they kidnapped her?

COOPER *
More like she kidnapped herself!

NERD
Nonsense. She’s probably out
getting some air.
 68.

Zandor pulls up to a row of SECURITY MONITORS and switches

through them.

DR. ZANDOR
Nope. She’s nowhere on the
property.

NERD
She’s probably in the shower then.

Zandor switches again.

DR. ZANDOR
(sheepish)
Nope. Not in there either.

The Nerd shoots Zandor a look. Cooper steps forward. *

COOPER *
Look what I found on the night
stand.

Cooper hands Mandi’s glasses over to the Nerd. *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
These are phoney prescription
glasses with fake plastic lenses.

The Nerd tries them on and sees that Cooper is right. *

NERD
Why would she do this?

COOPER *
To appear more Nerdy. It was all an
act! Don’t you understand? She’s
bait! We will all foolishly try to
rescue her and land ourselves right
into a trap!

NERD
Oh, I feel like such a fool! The
moment you share your joystick with
a girl, they break it. *

CUT TO: *

106 INT. MILITARY JEEP - DAY 106 *

McButter sits in the passenger seat pointing her gun at Mandi

who drives calmly.
 69.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
You’ve been taking us around in
circles all night kid and I’m
telling you...

MANDI
This is definitely Zandor’s house
this time. I swear!

The jeep slows to a stop. PULL BACK to reveal a Diary Queen.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER *
Aw, what the fuck?

The two Military Officers sit in the back and perk up at the *
sight the Diary Queen.

MILITARY OFFICER #2 *
(clears throat)
Um, Sergeant. Since we’re here and
all, you mind if Fred and I get
some ice cream?

Sergeant McButter throws her head down. Mandi smiles.

CUT TO: *

107 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 107 *

The Nerd and Cooper are sitting at the computer in the back *
of the Nerd Mobile.

COOPER *
The landfill excavation team
emailed me the results. I’ve had
the data processed and analyzed.

Cooper brings up some X-ray-like images on the screen of the *

landfill. The Nerd looks closely and is stunned to see AN
IMAGE OF THE E.T. GAMES. They are shattered into fragments,
but the labels on the boxes can still make out the words and
the distinct cover art. The Nerd convulses in agony.

COOPER (CONT’D) *
(sympathetically)
Sorry, Nerd.

CUT TO: *
 70.

108 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 108 *

Back in the house, the Nerd stomps around panicked. Just

then, some media coverage on the TV catches his attention.

TELEVISION *

CUT TO: *

109 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 109 *

On screen, a REPORTER conducts a newscast in front of the

Atari Landfill.

NEWS REPORTER
I’m here at the old Alamogordo
Waste Management Facility also
known to the video game community
as the Atari Landfill.

In the background, school buses drop off crowds of nerdy *

dressed gamers. They congregate under nearby tents where
video games are being played.

NEWS REPORTER (CONT’D)

Here, hundreds of video game
enthusiasts have made a mysterious
pilgrimage to the resting place of
the classic Atari game, E.T. where
an unlikely convention has sprung
up in the middle of nowhere. Here’s
what these “Gaming Pilgrims” have
to say about it.

A Gamer dressed in tie dye leans in toward the microphone.

GAMING PILGRIM
It’s all in honor of the Angry
Video Game Nerd. We saw the
Cockburn ads showing that the
Nerd’s gonna be reviewing the new
E.T. II game, so we’re pretty sure
he’s finally gonna be reviewing the
old game too!

The Nerd winces as the Gaming Pilgrim holds up an

advertisement of the E.T. II game with his face on it.

GAMING PILGRIM (CONT’D)

We can bet he’s gonna show up here
sooner or later. What could be
better?
 71.

The camera pans to show a huge tie-died blanket with the

Nerd’s face painted on it, next to the E.T. game.

CUT TO: *

110 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 110 *

NERD
Oh fuck me! I should have never
gotten involved with this project!

CUT TO: *

111 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 111 *

NEWS REPORTER
And here we have Bernie Cockburn,
the chairman of Cockburn Inc, the
creators of the new E.T. II.

Mr. Cockburn walks into frame and smiles.

MR. COCKBURN
Hello gamers, you can be one of the
first to buy the new game right
here! That’s right! Act fast,
because the first one-hundered
gamers to buy E.T. II, will get a
free shovel and a chance to jump
the fence behind me and dig
yourself up one of the originals.
Don’t miss your chance to be a part
of Cockburn Stock, and a part of
gaming history!

CUT TO: *

112 INT. DR. ZANDOR’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 112 *

The Nerd stares entranced at the television set as Zandor

comes from behind placing a hand on his shoulder.

DR. ZANDOR
The prophecy is almost fulfilled.

The Nerd turns to Zandor who stares at the monitor distantly.

NERD
I’ve got to put an end to all this.

CUT TO: *
 72.

113 EXT. GRAND CANYON - DAY 113 *

McButter and Mandi stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon

looking down into it’s magnificent depths. McButter jabs her
pistol into Mandi’s rib.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
I’m telling you Mandi, you’ve been
running me ragged all day long.

MANDI
No really Sergeant, I know I’ve
retraced my steps right this time.

A group of ASIAN TOURISTS approach the two of them.

ASIAN TOURIST
Do you have a second to take our
photo?

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
No!

MANDI
(in Vietnamese)
Of course I do.

Sergeant McButter calls in to General Dark Onward as the

group of Asian tourists gather around her.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
General, our captive here is
grinding away my patience. Request
permission to shoot?

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Negative, Sergeant. She’s the only
one who knows where Zandor’s is.

McButter frowns as Mandi SNAPS the picture.

CUT TO:

A photo of an angry McButter with happy Asian Tourists fills

the frame.

CUT TO: *

114 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 114 *

The Nerd Mobile skids up to the landfill. Gamers of all sorts

are still piling out of buses and preaching free love and
video games, very hippie/ woodstock-esque.
 73.

Under one tent reads the words “COCKBURN INC.” as Mr.

Cockburn stands with a bullhorn.

The Nerd jumps out of the Nerd Mobile in disbelief, it’s the
very specter of his nightmare!

MR. COCKBURN
Step right up friends! Step right
up. I hold before you the classic
E.T. game for Atari and my new game
for a new generation, E.T. II!

The crowd goes wild. Kids pull out their money and begin to
mob Cockburn. One EAGER KID grabs the shovel and is directed
to a springboard. He takes a running start, bounces, is
hurled through the air and flung painfully hard against the
chain link fence. The crowd groans as he smacks back to the
ground.

COOPER *
This is amazing!

NERD
This is horrible! I’ve got to do
something.

CUT TO: *

115 EXT. DESERT FLOOR - DAY 115

In the distance, a camera camouflaged amidst the desert

rotates toward the crowd of gamers.

CUT TO: *

116 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 116 *

General Dark Onward sits behind a control board watching a

monitor.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

I can’t believe it! All these geeks
found the landfill!

Another monitor flashes on showing Sergeant McButter.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
General.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Yes, McButter. What is it?
 74.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
You’re not going to believe where
she’s taken us!

CUT TO: *

117 INT. LAS VEGAS CASINO - DAY 117 *

McButter is in a casino with Mandi in the background playing

a slot machine, with the military officers behind rooting her
on.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Las Vegas. Please tell me I can
shoot her. I’ve had enough of this.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

No!

THE SLOT MACHINE comes up all cherries and begins to flash

wildly. Mandi gets on her knees scooping an endless spray of
coins into her bucket. The military officers pat her on the
back and give each other high fives.

McButter SCREAMS!

CUT TO: *

118 EXT. LAS VEGAS SKYLINE - DAY 118 *

McButter’s scream can be heard over the Las Vegas skyline.

CUT TO: *

119 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 119 *

The Nerd springs into action and charges for Cockburn. He

rips the bullhorn out of Cockburn’s hand and addresses his
people, the gamers.

NERD
Fellow gamers, may I have your
attention.

The crowd stops in their tracks and starts applauding and

yelling “Nerd!” Their messiah has come.

NERD (CONT’D)
This game...

The Nerd glances over at Cooper who looks on concerned. *

 75.

NERD (CONT’D)
...is bullshit and the legend
behind it is a total lie. There’s
no E.T. cartridges buried under
there! I wish you’d all just forget
about it! It’s all a myth. You can
all go home now.

GAMER #1
Aw, man. The Nerd just said all
this is bullshit.

GAMER #2
Dude. When the Nerd says something
is bullshit, it’s bullshit.

GAMER #1
What do we do now?

GAMER #2
(sadly)
I guess we just go home.

The gamers all look dejected and start to walk off toward
their buses. The Nerd looks ecstatic and deranged as he
tosses the bullhorn to the ground.

NERD
It’s working! It’s really working!

Cooper stares at the Nerd in disbelief. *

COOPER *
C’mon, Nerd. Let’s go home. I don’t
like what this game is doing to
you. It doesn’t matter if you
believe in the landfill or not.

A VEHICLE pulls up in the distance. The door opens, closeup

of a man’s FEET stepping out. The Nerd looks over. His smile
fades. His eyes go wide. Tracking shot of the feet walking.
Multiple gamers turn their heads to look.

NERD
Oh my God.

COOPER *
Wow.

GAMER #1
Holy shit, that’s the guy who made
the game!
 76.

Tracking shot behind the man’s back as he walks steadily

toward the Nerd. The Nerd raises the bullhorn to his mouth
again.

NERD
Gamers! Here we have Howard Scott
Warshaw, a game designer way ahead
of his time. He made Atari classics
like Yars Revenge, Raiders of the
Lost Ark...

The nerd’s ecstatic tone turns grisly.

NERD (CONT’D)
...and E.T.

The camera, still behind the man’s back, orbits around to

reveal the face of HOWARD SCOTT WARSHAW.

WARSHAW
Worst game of all time. How could I
be of service?

Gamers everywhere APPLAUD chanting “E.T. E.T. E.T.” The Nerd

looks around confused about the fanfare.

NERD
(to Warshaw)
The landfill. Tell them there’s no
games under there.

The Nerd gives Warshaw the bullhorn.

WARSHAW
My fellow gamers!

Gamers all start coming back, excited.

WARSHAW (CONT’D)
The legend of the landfill is real.
I’ve held my silence for all these
years but the truth must be told!
The government buried these games
here because it is a map of Area
51! A map designed by a scientist
Dr. Louis Zandor.

Warshaw points to Zandor who is standing in the far back of

the crowd. Gamers heads turn to look. Zandor raises a shovel.

WARSHAW (CONT’D)
Join him in digging up the
cartridges. Every last one.
(MORE)
 77.

WARSHAW (CONT’D)
The map leads to no treasure other
than Zandor’s captive friend, the
extra-terrestrial!

The Nerd throws his hand over his face.

CUT TO: *

120 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 120 *

The General stares in shock.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Zandor!

CUT TO: *

121 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 121

All the fans go silent for a moment, then collectively

“Wooow” all at once! Then all start shouting and applauding!
The fans rush the fences. The Nerd looks more bewildered than
ever.

Warshaw puts down the bullhorn and speaks to the Nerd.

WARSHAW
Nerd, I’ve seen your videos and
know you’re a blunt and honest man.
You and I aren’t meant to cover up
things. Wouldn’t it be such a
better world if everyone just told
the truth? The truth, Nerd. That is
what you must find.

Warshaw turns away, eclipsed by the sun, and disappears out

of sight.

NERD
I can’t let this happen. This whole
legend has to stop! This game’s not
a map to Area 51! There’s no alien!
There’s nothing mystical about that
game!

COOPER *
Whether it is or isn’t, who cares?
There’s nothing you can do to
disprove any of it anyway!

NERD
Like hell there isn’t!
 78.

COOPER *
What are you going to do?

NERD
I’m going to break into Area 51!

Zandor smiles.

CUT TO: *

122 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 122 *

The General spits out his coffee.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

What?!

CUT TO: *

123 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 123 *

The Nerd storms toward the Nerd Mobile. Cooper chases after. *

DR. ZANDOR
Wait!

Cooper stops and looks back at Zandor who tosses an E.T. game *
at him. Cooper catches it. *

DR. ZANDOR (CONT’D)

You might need that.

Cooper nods and then rushes to the Nerd. *

COOPER *
Are you crazy? Do you even have a
clue where Area 51 is?

NERD
Between Area 50 and 52?

COOPER *
C’mon! Haven’t you had enough?

NERD
A Nerd’s work is never done.

COOPER *
Well, that’s a stupid line.

NERD
I only said it for the trailer.
 79.

Both the Nerd and Cooper hop into the Nerd Mobile and speed *
away.

GUITAR GUY stands on the side of the road once again singing
a version of the AVGN theme lampooning their mission.

CUT TO: *

124 EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - STAIRCASE - DAY 124 *

McButter huffs and puffs as Mandi leads her up an iron set of

steps.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER *
I’m telling you if Zandor isn’t at
the top of these steps, you’re
dead.

MANDI
Have a little faith, would ya?

PULL BACK to reveal Mandi and McButter walking up the Eiffel

Tower in Las Vegas.

CUT TO: *

125 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 125 *

General Dark Onward slams his fist on some control board

buttons.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

McButter!!!

McButter appears on-screen. She is on top the Mock

Eiffel Tower.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

The Nerd and his little friend are
coming for us. Use the girl as a
diversion!

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Yes sir.

CUT TO: *

126 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 126 *

The Nerd intensely grips the seat as Cooper thunders down the *
road.
 80.

The iPhone sits in the center console of the van and begins *
to ring. The Nerd picks it up and looks at the face plate.
It’s a request for a video chat. The caller ID says “Mandi”.

The Nerd, doubtful, answers. An image of McButter can be seen

on top of the Eifell Tower with Mandi tied up in the
background. McButter is using Mandi’s phone.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Nerd!

NERD
You again? Listen, I don’t have
anything against you government
people! This is all about a video
game!

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Well, we have a game for you. It’s
called come rescue your girlfriend.

Mandi tries to wiggle free from her ropes.

MANDI
Nerd! Help me!

NERD
She’s not my girlfriend.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Well, you like her. Don’t you?

NERD
(immaturely)
No.

Mandi’s face drops.

MANDI
What?

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Anyway, if you want to find her,
she’ll be here on top of the Eiffel
Tower.

NERD
Huh?

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
The mock Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.

NERD
Oh.
 81.

COOPER *
It’s a trap, Nerd! Like I said.

NERD
Well, I’m not coming.

MANDI
What? You come here and rescue me
right now!

NERD
F you, you FBI bitch!

The Nerd hangs up the phone.

CUT TO: *

127 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 127 *

General Dark Onward stares at his monitor and scowls at

Sergeant McButter and Mandi. He shakes his head and pops a
cigarette in his mouth.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

You should have put her in
something more provocative. How can
you have bait and keep her in
casual attire?

A surveillance officer walks in.

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER
General, there’s something you
should see.

The General follows the officer into the surveillance room.

CUT TO: *

128 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - DAY 128 *

There are some intelligence officers sitting around a video

screen watching the Nerd’s older game reviews. The General
wheels in.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

And what do we have here? *

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER *
This is the guy that’s been causing
you trouble.
(MORE)
 82.

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER (CONT'D)

He’s an internet superstar. He’s
called The Angry Video Game Nerd.

On screen is the Nerd’s review of TOP GUN for the NES.

We see the famous shot of the jet crashing before the
aircraft carrier. The Nerd, on screen, starts screaming
obscenities. A smile slowly spreads across Onwards face.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Haha! This guy is funny!

SURVEILLANCE OFFICER *
Then, there’s his friend, the Super
Rad Video Game Dude...

He brings another window up showing a clip from one of

Cooper’s videos. On screen, Cooper rambles on about *
some boring game. Onward looks confused.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Hmm... He sucks.
(beat)
Let me learn more of this “Angry
Video Game Nerd”.

Everyone leaves Onward to himself as he sits at the computer,

examining the Nerd’s website and bringing up more of his
videos.

CUT TO: *

129 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 129 *

The Nerd hands Cooper back his iPhone. *

COOPER *
See Nerd? Listen, I don’t even care
about the game review. I’ve just
got a really bad feeling about
this.

NERD
Cooper. You don’t want to *
heroically rescue the girl and you
don’t want to rush headlong into
Area 51 and now you don’t want to
do a game review. What do you want
to do?

COOPER *
I’d like to stay alive. *

CUT TO: *
 83.

130 EXT. NEVADA DESERT - DAY 130 *

The Nerd Mobile speeds through the desert passing a sign,

“EXTRATERRESTRIAL HIGHWAY”. *

CUT TO: *

131 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 131 *

Cooper slows to a stop and looks at the Nerd. *

COOPER *
You’re living in a fools paradise,
Nerd! Let me show you all the ways
in which we will die.

Cooper springs from the drivers seat and heads to the *

Commodore 64 in the back of the Nerd Mobile. Cooper begins *
pulling up information on Area 51. Maps and graphics appear
to illustrate Cooper’s explanation. *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
For starters, the base is situated
in the middle of the desert, hidden
by mountains, in an area where
mother nature is at its most
treacherous and unforgiving. The
base is surveyed by omnidirectional
radar and military jeeps. If you go
past the signs, deadly force is
authorized. Even a bird going
through its airspace would get shot
down by ballistic missiles.
Burrowing prairie dogs would be
smoked out by nerve gas. How do you
expect to get in?

The Nerd gives Cooper a stare hard as flint. *

CUT TO: *

132 EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - AREA 51 BORDER - DAY 132 *

A blackened vignette in the shape of binoculars pans the

landscape landing on a desert compound in the middle of
nowhere. AREA 51.

NERD
There it is Cooper. Dreamland. *

The Nerd drops his binoculars and looks to Cooper. They are *
both standing on a mountain top.
 84.

NERD (CONT’D)
Here’s a walkie talkie for you so
we can secretly communicate when I
make it in.

COOPER *
Secretly? I’m sure they’re already
monitoring us.

NERD
Don’t be paranoid. Give me a boost.

PULL BACK to reveal Cooper helping the Nerd climb on top of a *

large, crappy HOMEMADE UFO which teeters back and forth on
the mountain peek.

COOPER *
Don’t rock it so much. I can’t hold
you!

The Nerd fastens his helmet, the finishing touch on a

stereotypical alien costume. He sits in the cockpit and
closes a glass bubble over him. Cooper’s grip is slipping. *

NERD
Okay. On the count of three let me
goooooooooooooo!

The Nerds voice trails off. Cooper tumbles down one side of *
the mountain as the UFO can be seen roaring toward a SLOPE on
the other side.

CUT TO: *

133 EXT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 133 *

Cooper rolls to the foot of the mountain and hits his head on *
the side of the Nerd Mobile. He quickly stands up to witness
the Nerd’s take off.

CUT TO: *

134 INT. HOMEMADE UFO - DAY 134 *

The Nerd thunders toward the slope of the mountain and

launches off airborne!

CUT TO: *
 85.

135 EXT. HOMEMADE UFO - DAY 135 *

The Nerd looks about him from the glass bubble as he soars
through the sky.

CUT TO: *

136 EXT. AREA 51 - SECURITY BOOTH - DAY 136 *

The UFO comes sailing in toward the fenced top secret

complex. In the foreground, a SECURITY GUARD can be seen
reading a newspaper in the SECURITY BOOTH.

CUT TO: *

137 INT. AREA 51 - SECURITY BOOTH - DAY 137 *

The Guard looks up wide-eyed and drops his newspaper.

CUT TO: *

138 EXT. AREA 51 - SECURITY BOOTH - DAY 138 *

The UFO SPARKS off the top of the barbed wire fence and comes
in for a crash landing. The Guard remains motionless, stunned
by what he just saw.

The Nerd disguised in alien garb lifts the top off and hops
out.

Other guards and employees stop in their tracks as they see a

cheesy alien running about waving its arms.

Within moments, a guard knocks him over the head with the
blunt end of his rifle. The “alien” falls to the ground.

CUT TO: *

139 INT. AREA 51 - OPERATING ROOM - DAY 139 *

The Nerd awakes looking up at a bright light through the eyes

of his alien mask. Three SURGEONS stand over him. *

SURGEON # 1 *
Scalpel?

SURGEON # 2 *
Scalpel.
 86.

SURGEON # 1 makes an incision down the center of the *

“alien’s” head and on through the center of his chest. The
Nerd’s costume falls away as he gives a toothy grin to the
Surgeons.

SURGEON # 1 *
Intruder!

The Nerd starts flailing his arms and legs. The Surgeons try *
to hold him down but only end up holding an empty costume.
The Nerd pops up behind them and pushes a cart of surgical
instruments into them.

The Surgeons chase him around the operating table wielding *

scalpels and quickly back him into a corner. The Nerd feels
behind him and grabs an ANESTHESIA TANK. As the Surgeons *
close in on him, he swings it back and forth knocking them *
each out.

The Nerd goes for the door but finds it’s opened by a scanner
of some sort.

NERD
Damn. A retinal scanner.

The Nerd takes a closer look and sees words that say “RECTAL *
SCANNER.” *

NERD (CONT’D) *
Oh fuck! Well... here we go. *

The Nerd drags one of the knocked out surgeons over to the *
scanner and begins to pull his pants down. He shuts his eyes *
as he holds the Surgeon’s ass to the scanner. The door opens! *

The Nerd cautiously steps through to peek into the next room
but his face gives way to shock!

CUT TO: *

140 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 140 *

Cooper is in the van waiting nervously. His walkie talkie *

crackles and the Nerd’s voice comes in.

NERD (O.S.)
Cooper, holy hell! I’m looking at *
the E.T. game.

Cooper looks at the van monitor which he has hooked up to an *

Atari 2600. He is playing the E.T. game.
 87.

COOPER *
So am I.

NERD (O.S.)
I mean for real. Area 51 is the
game and the game is Area 51!

COOPER *
Of course. How similar?

CUT TO: *

141 INT. AREA 51 - HANGAR - DAY 141 *

The Nerd’s eyes are wide and his face is sweating.

NERD
Well let me put it this way. Zandor
wasn’t too subtle about it.

PULL BACK to reveal the Nerd standing in front of a building

resembling the WHITE HOUSE in a blue room that looks
identical the E.T. game.

CUT TO: *

142 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 142 *

COOPER *
Well then the mystery is solved.
Everything Zandor said is true!

CUT TO: *

143 INT. AREA 51 - HANGAR - DAY 143 *

The Nerd puts his head down and nearly starts crying.

COOPER (O.S.) *
You’ve completed your lunatic
mission. Get the hell out of there!

CUT TO: *

144 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 144 *

Cooper looks at his monitor where the E.T. game is running *

idly.
 88.

All of a sudden, amidst the crappy blue graphics and white

buildings, a pixilated image of the Nerd can be seen walking
across the screen. The Nerd is inside the game. Cooper *
squints closely to the screen.

COOPER *
Uh... Nerd...?

CUT TO: *

145 INT. AREA 51 - HANGAR - DAY 145 *

The Nerd covers his face in defeat and stands there

motionless. SCIENTISTS IN WHITE SUITS come out of the various
buildings and approach the Nerd.

CUT TO: *

146 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 146 *

On the Atari screen, Cooper can see the same scientists in *

pixelated form. They happen to be regular characters seen in
the game, but Cooper now understands they are coming after *
the Nerd in real life.

COOPER *
Nerd! Get out of there! You got
company! Don’t ask me how I know!
Just move!

CUT TO: *

147 INT. AREA 51 - HANGAR - DAY 147 *

The Nerd looks up and sees he’s surrounded by scientists. He

raises his hands in surrender.

COOPER (O.S.) *
Nerd! Nerd!

One of the scientists ZAPS the Nerd with some kind of stun
laser. *

FADE OUT. *

148 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 148 *

The Nerd slowly wakes up and finds that he is tied to a lazy

boy chair and an ATARI joystick is duct taped to his hands.
 89.

General Dark Onward emerges in his wheelchair holding a

universal remote in his one remaining hand.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Nerd, we meet again. From now on,
there will be no more fighting.
I’ve been watching some of your
videos. We appreciate your work. In
fact, you can say we’re all big
fans here at Area 51. Here, let me
show you something.

The Nerd is confused. Onward clicks his remote. A movie

theater sized monitor powers on and the E.T. TITLE SCREEN
comes on. The wretched MUSIC kicks in. The Nerd is horrified.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

I need your expertise. Won’t you
play this game for me? Isn’t that
what you do?

NERD
No! No! I never play that one.
Please! Make it stop!

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

You hate it, don’t you? You see,
we’re not so different, you and I.
We stand for the same thing. You
want to rid this world of the game
and so do I.

The Nerd still cringes in agony. Onward mutes the sound. The
Nerd slumps out of breath.

NERD
Why are you doing this?

Onward wheels across the command room floor and stops inches
before the Nerd.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Your friend Dr. Louis Zandor
designed this “game” as a floor
plan to our base! Don’t you realize
the threat that poses to our
Homeland Security?

The Nerd remains closed lipped.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

You have quite a fan base, I
realize.
(MORE)
 90.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

The gamers are loyal to you. Have
them send all their E.T. games to
me.

The Nerd is conflicted.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Join us, Nerd, and this game can be
history. Forever in the past where
it belongs.

The Nerd reaches deep into his soul for an answer.

NERD
I’d rather lick the shit skid off *
the inside of a toilet bowl then *
aid you in your quest for world
domination!

Onward waves his remote turning the torturous E.T. theme back
on. This time raising the volume. The Nerd convulses in pain.

CUT TO: *

149 EXT. MOCK EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - DAY 149 *

Mandi is tied to the post, her face is all scrapped up and

her hair blows in the wind.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Look at me when I speak.
(beat)
What do you know about Dr. Louis
Zandor?

She looks up.

MANDI
I told you. I know nothing. *

CRACK! A leather glove strikes Mandi’s face.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
What is this new E.T. II game
you’re selling?

MANDI
It’s just a game.

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Well listen to me, because I have a
proposition.
 91.

MANDI
Yes sir?

SERGEANT MCBUTTER
Give the customers a discount for
trading in their old E.T. games.
You get us the old games, we’ll
make sure that this new game is a
success, beyond your wildest
dreams...

Mandi looks up intrigued. Then shakes her head.

MANDI
No.

SWAT! Sergeant McButter bitch slaps her across the face.

CUT TO: *

150 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 150 *

NERD
Ahhhh! Turn it off you evil son of
a bitch! I could never get you
every game on the planet. Do you
have any idea how many E.T. games
are still in the public?

Onward Raises the volume even higher. The Nerd squirms.

NERD (CONT’D)
Besides, it’s too late, you’ve
already lost. My fans have already
dug up your landfill and cleared
out all the game carts! They’re
probably at home playing them right
now!

Onward wheels over to his control station and calls up the

Atari Landill on the monitor. He sees that the Nerd’s fans
are still busy trying to get over the landfill fence. Onward
laughs sinisterly.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Ha ha! There’s no playing those
games! They’ve been crushed into
pieces since I bulldozed them in
the 80’s!
(beat)
But you have given me an idea.
 92.

Onward wheels around slowly, his face is twisted in pure

evil.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

I see now that your greatest
weakness is not the hate you have
for this game, but the love you
have for your fans.

Onward wheels himself over to a control board. He slams down

a lever. In another part of the room, a circular shaped door
on the floor opens. A giant MISSILE rises. On the screen, a
large glowing red target can be seen over the landfill.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

I’m going to blow your fans to
pieces.

The Nerd glares at Onward, futilely trying to break free from

the ropes.

NERD
For someone so interested in
protecting Americans, you sure are
quick to blow them up!

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Oh well, sometimes you have to
break a few eggheads if you wanna
make a homeland security omelet.

Just then the Nerd sees Zandor on the monitor dancing

with three beautiful HIPPIE GAMER CHICKS. One of them
places a crown of flowers on Zandor’s head. The Nerd
gets an idea.

NERD
Wait! Dr. Louis Zandor is in that
crowd.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Good.

NERD
But he has something of great value
to you!

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

And what is that?

NERD
He stole the Roswell space metal
because he didn’t want you to
rebuild that alien spacecraft!
 93.

Onward laughs.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Lies! We have it all.

NERD
You have nothing. It’s tin foil.

Onward’s skeptic smile fades to a frown. He considers it.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Tin foil?

CUT TO: *

151 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 151 *

Cooper frantically resets the E.T. game over and over, but *
sees nothing but the regular start up screen.

COOPER *
Don’t worry Nerd! I’ll save you!
(pause)
How am I gonna do that...?

Cooper looks down curiously at the Atari Joystick. *

CUT TO: *

152 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - DAY 152 *

Dark Onward is in the lab punching the large foil ball and
ripping foil off it! Military engineers are all standing
around petrified.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Who are we trying to be here?! Pee-
wee fuckin’ Herman?! Foil! It’s all
foil! My plans have been foiled!
You assholes! Aarrggghhh!

CUT TO: *

153 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 153 *

Cooper grabs the Atari Joystick and presses start on the E.T. *
game. The intro begins with the alien descending to Earth.
Filled with new determination, Cooper jostles the joystick. *

CUT TO: *
 94.

154 INT. AREA 51 - CRYOGENIC CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS 154 *

At the heart of Area 51, A cryogenic chamber overflowing with

fog begins to rattle. Through the glass, a figure can be seen
banging on the hatch trying to get free.

CUT TO: *

155 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 155 *

Cooper rattles his joystick more furiously! The E.T. GRAPHIC *

just shimmies in one place, back and forth.

COOPER *
Damn! It’s glitching up!

All of a sudden... *

CUT TO: *

156 INT. AREA 51 - CRYOGENIC CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS 156 *

The lock breaks and the ALIEN, a short stubby frog-like

creature, that looks nothing at all like the famous Spielberg
E.T. but more like the choppy depiction in the game, soars
out from the fog and slams against the ceiling, SMACK!

ALIEN
Ow!

The Alien slides down the wall and falls to the floor.

CUT TO: *

157 INT. NERD MOBILE - CONTINUOUS 157 *

Cooper’s eyes light up. He leans over his joystick as he *

navigates the E.T. graphic through the classic pixelated
landscape. The alien fidgets around. Cooper struggles with *
the joystick, and then in an instant, he loses control. The
alien flies off the screen, out of sight.

CUT TO: *

158 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 158 *

Dark Onward wheels himself back into the master control room,
leaving behind a trail of foil pieces. He approaches the
Nerd.
 95.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Where is the space metal!

NERD
Only Zandor knows.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Zandor!!!! Well, I may not be able
to blow up these gamers, but I can
blow up their precious Atari
monument!

On his computer screen, we see some kind of radar system with

a bullzeye targeting Mount Fuji.

Onward gives his joystick a turn making the missile spin

around 45 degrees. The ceiling begins to open up blinding the
Nerd’s eyes with the new harsh rays of sunlight streaming in.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Stupid Atari! Stupid Mount Fuji!

A computer voice sounds “TEN SECONDS TO MISSILE LAUNCH”.

Onward laughs maniacally as he wheels himself over to the
elevator.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

So long Nerd! And thank you for
telling the truth!

Onward points and laughs from inside the elevator- until the
door closes on his arm, chopping it off, spraying blood
everywhere!

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Ouch!

The Nerd looks down at the remains of Onward’s lifeless arm.

The computer countdown continues.“8, 7, 6, 5..” Once again,
the Nerd tries to wiggle loose in a panic.

The missile’s rocket thrusters blast on as a surge of fire

roars from the back. “3... 2... 1...” The Nerd closes his
eyes.

CUT TO: *

159 EXT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 159 *

A dust storm begins kicking up around Area 51. Cooper watches *

from the van, his eyes gaping wide.

CUT TO: *
 96.

160 INT. AREA 51 - CONTROL ROOM - DAY 160 *

A windstorm of papers fly around the room as the Nerd, fixed

to the chair, screams helplessly. Suddenly, the Alien
descends from the ceiling. He grabs the Nerd with his stubby
feet and then opens his mouth wide into a “C” shape, lifting
the Nerd into the air. The Nerd’s hands are still duct taped
to the Atari joystick which yanks the game console out,
unplugging it from the TV. They clumsily CRASH through a set
of double doors.

CUT TO: *

161 EXT. AREA 51 - DAY 161 *

The missile BLASTS through the roof of Area 51.

CUT TO: *

162 INT. AREA 51 - HOAX ROOM 162 *

The Alien and Nerd roll to a stop. The Nerd sits up rubbing
his head. The Alien brushes himself off. The Nerd stares at
the alien.

NERD
I can’t believe you’re real. I
always thought you were a hoax.

ALIEN
Yeah, we get that a lot around
here.

The Nerd looks around to see the nation’s most coveted

secrets. In the background, there’s a recording booth where
TUPAC can be seen working on his new album. There’s also a
SET OF THE 1969 MOON LANDING being swept by a janitor, ELVIS,
75. Even farther in the background, Michael Jackson can be
seen moon-walking on the moon.

The Nerd finishes tearing his hands free from the duct tape.
The joystick wire still dangles from the Atari console. He
tosses it aside.

ALIEN (CONT’D)
Wait.

The Alien grabs the game from the console and hands it to the
Nerd.
 97.

ALIEN (CONT’D)
We may need this to get out of
here.

The Nerd shrugs and puts the E.T. game in his pocket.

Just then, a set of double doors blast open and SECURITY

ROBOTS storm through. They’re blocky and cheesy looking
carrying laser guns.

Laser beams whizz over the Nerd’s shoulder. The Alien leaps
up and manages to snatch a laser gun from one of the robots.

ALIEN (CONT’D)
Take this.

The Alien gives the Nerd the gun who looks at it hesitantly,
then runs. The Alien follows the Nerd into a random hallway
as a shower of laser beams fly after them.

CUT TO: *

163 EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY 163 *

The missile can be seen flying over the California coast and
over the ocean.

CUT TO: *

164 INT. AREA 51 - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - DAY 164 *

Dark Onward wheels himself into the surveillance room and

shouts orders to all men.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Get me Zandor! He’s at the
landfill! I need him alive!

CUT TO: *

165 INT. AREA 51 - HALLWAY - DAY 165 *

The Nerd and Alien run for their life. The hallway is
futuristic and blinking with colored lights. It’s classic sci-
fi stuff. They come to a set of titanium double doors that
are shut.

The Nerd struggles to open it, as the sound of marching

robots grows louder. He runs his fingers along a KEY CARD
ACCESS SLOT.
 98.

NERD
It’s not going to open.

The Alien taps the Nerd’s pocket. The Nerd reaches in and
takes out the E.T. game. He notices the access slot matches
the pin connection on the game.

NERD (CONT’D)
Brilliant.

He places the game into the slot. BEEP! The doors begin to
retract, leaving a narrow crack which slowly opens up.

The robots come closer and fire their laser beams. Sparks
blast in every direction as the lasers hit the walls and
slightly graze the Nerd by his arm.

Once the doors are open wide enough to fit through, the Alien
and the Nerd sneak in. But the laser blasts still continue.

The Nerd jams at some buttons on the inside wall. The doors
are still opening.

ALIEN
What are you waiting for? shoot
them! You white anthropoid moron!

In desperation, the Nerd aims his laser gun and shoots down
one of the robots.

Finally, the doors open all the way. The Nerd dodges some
lasers, hits some more buttons and the doors begin closing,
even slower than before.

The Nerd and Alien put their backs to the wall, dodging the
robots’ lasers.

NERD
Shut! You slow-ass door!

The Nerd keeps dodging lasers and shooting down robots.

Eventually, all the robots are laying in a steaming heap. As
the noise dies down and all the smoke settles, the only thing
that can be heard is the electronic buzzing of the doors,
still shutting... shutting... shut.

CUT TO: *
 99.

166 INT. LAUNCH PAD - DAY 166

They turn around to see that they are in a launch pad with an
F-14 FIGHTER JET in front of them.

CUT TO: *

167 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 167

Cooper sits in the driver’s seat, his eyes grow teary as he *

speaks into the walkie talkie.

COOPER *
Nerd come in. Please, Nerd!

The Walkie blares with STATIC.

COOPER (CONT’D) *
Ya know, fuck this. I’m going in.

Cooper turns the ignition. Suddenly his iPhone rings, caller *

ID flashing “MOTHER”. Cooper picks up. *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
What?

Indecipherable screaming is heard on the other end.

COOPER (CONT’D) *
I can’t come home. I have to drive
this van and break into Area 51.
(beat)
What do you mean, I don’t know how
to drive a van?

CUT TO: *

168 EXT. DESERT SKIES - DAY 168

Way up in the skies above Area 51, the F-14 fighter jet flies
by.

CUT TO: *

169 INT. FIGHTER JET - DAY 169 *

Inside the jet, no one can be seen at the controls. It’s on

auto-pilot.
 100.

In the back is a bar full of drinks. The Nerd and Alien are
sitting on comfy chairs sipping martinis. Bossa nova music is
playing. (Example: Girl from Ipanema)

NERD
So... outer space?

ALIEN
Yep.

NERD
Why’d you come to Earth?

ALIEN
I was looking for intelligent life.

NERD
Well, you found it.

ALIEN
I found life, yes.

NERD
Oh that’s funny.

ALIEN
No, I came to save you people, but
you locked me up for 60 years.

NERD
I had nothing to do with that. I
wasn’t even alive back then. And
what about my friend Cooper who’s *
somewhere out in the desert?

ALIEN
We’ll find him. But trust me, we
have bigger worries. If only you
knew what I’m trying to prevent.

NERD
Prevent?

ALIEN
You wouldn’t understand. It
concerns the entire spectrum of
existence.

NERD
(sarcastic)
What? Like the Megaverse and the *
Ultraverse?
 101.

ALIEN
Yes.

NERD
A Cyber Mutant Death God with a
satellite dish on its head?

ALIEN
I’ve underestimated you.

NERD
Well, I don’t care about this. All
I want to do is save my fans from
that lunatic Dark Onward.

ALIEN
Well, whose gonna save your fans
from Death Mwauthzyx?

The Nerd spits out his martini.

CUT TO: *

170 EXT. MOUNT FUJI - NIGHT 170

Over the skies of Asia, the missile hits the side of Mount
Fuji. BOOM! Smoke spirals up into a mushroom cloud.

From behind the swirl of smoke appears DEATH Mwauthzyx, a

giant robotic bug with cyborg armor and tentacles. It opens
its wings and lets out a distorted synthesized CACKLE!
JAPANESE CITY DWELLERS stop and point. They’re dialogue is *
dubbed over like a Godzilla movie. *

JAPANESE CITY DWELLER

It’s Death Mwauthzyx!

CUT TO: *

171 INT. FIGHTER JET - DAY 171 *

ALIEN
The whole world you live in is a
video game. It’s a game that I
made. But then, you people invented
the nuclear bomb. That’s when I
came down to settle things, because
when the game gets out of control,
dad’s gotta take it away.

NERD
Your dad?
 102.

ALIEN
Death Mwauthzyx. If he found I
created a culture of warmongers and
xenophobes, all it’ll take from him
is one 360 degree turn from the
satellite dish on his head and...

NERD
...Existence as we know it will
come to an end.

ALIEN
No, it will be as if it never
existed at all. Just a punishment
for me but a painful apocalypse for
you guys.

172 EXT. MOUNT FUJI - NIGHT 172 *

Death Mwauthzyx begins to turn his satellite dish. Japanese *

City Dwellers GASP in fear. The dish stops short, only a *
quarter-circle turn. Death Mwauthzyx laughs and says *
something in distorted gibberish, which is translated in a *
subtitle: “PSYCHE!” The Japanese City Dwellers regain their *
composure. *

Death Mwauthzyx flaps his wings and flies into the sky. *

CUT TO: *

173 INT. FIGHTER JET - DAY 173 *

NERD *
How can we stop this? *

ALIEN *
I need my space ship. That would *
help. *

NERD *
Well, it’s in a million pieces. *
Where ever it is. *

ALIEN *
I can harness their power and join *
them all back together. If only you *
could find the pieces. *
 103.

NERD *
Zandor hid them. He’s the only one *
who knows... Oh shit! We gotta find *
him now! *

CUT TO: *

174 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 174 *

TANKS and JEEPS full of MILITARY men pull up to the Landfill *

convention. General Dark Onward pops his head out of the lead *
tank. *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD *

Attention gamers! You must *
surrender Dr. Louis Zandor! Bring *
him to me! *

All over, gamers are heard BOOING and YELLING. Immediately *

soldiers dismount and charge the Gamers roughing them all up. *
The Gamers are being pushed back when a few of them begin *
picking up rocks and retaliating. It turns into a riot, *
Military vs. Gamer, with the gamers protecting Zandor. *

CUT TO: *

175 EXT. SAN FRANSISCO BAY - DAY 175

Several tourists looking at the Golden Gate Bridge, notice a

strange shape moving in the sky, coming straight toward them
at an incredible rate. At first, it looks like a plane ready
to dive into the bay, but as it comes closer it becomes
obvious that it’s definitely not a plane. It’s a giant
robotic moth.

Death Mwauthzyx lands in the water, splashing a tidal wave

that engulfs the bridge. Everyone shits their pants,
literally.

CUT TO: *

176 EXT. MOCK EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - DAY 176 *

Mandi and McButter are still on the top of the Eiffel Tower. *

MANDI *
C’mon bitch. Untie me. Let’s see *
who can fuck up who. *

McButter laughs and comes over to untie her. She unloosens *

the knot. *
 104.

Immediately, Mandi gives McButter a kick to the stomach. *

McButter absorbs the blow and smiles. Mandi gives her a *
harder shot in the abs once again. McButter laughs and grabs *
Mandi by the hair twirling her through the air against the *
guard rail. Mandi looks up from the floor shocked. She’s in *
for more than she’s bargained for. *

CUT TO: *

177 EXT. NEVADA DESERT - DAY 177 *

Death Mwauthzyx stomps through the desert, kicking up clouds

of sand.

ARMY TANKS drive over the dunes, firing away. Their shots
rock the ground under Death Mwauthzyx, but don’t cause any
damage. He stomps the tanks flat.

The AIRFORCE dives in. They launch missiles exploding onto

Death Mwauthzyx’s chest.

Death Mwauthzyx swats the planes out of the air with his
tentacles. They crash into the sand, making spectacular
explosions around the monster’s body. He stomps his way
toward Area 51. *

CUT TO: *

178 INT. NERD MOBILE - DAY 178 *

Cooper grips the wheel desperately as he drives towards Area *

51. We see the compound in the distance.

COOPER *
I’m gonna get you out, Nerd! I hope
you’re still alive in there!

Then, he sees Death Mwauthzyx rising above the dunes, on the

other side of the base. Cooper slams on the brakes! *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
Oh shit! Death Mwauthzyx!!!!

Cooper turns the van around and speeds away! *

CUT TO: *
 105.

179 EXT. AREA 51 - DAY 179

Death Mwauthzyx is now attacking Area 51. The airforce and

ground force are unloading everything they have on the
monster. Every soldier in the whole base is evacuating.

CUT TO: *

180 INT. FIGHTER JET - DAY 180 *

The Nerd and the Alien soar through the sky. The control deck
on the cockpit begins to BEEP. The FUEL GAUGE tips into
empty.

ALIEN
Either we refuel or we land this
thing.

The Alien hands the controls to the Nerd.

NERD
I don’t even drive a car! How am I
supposed to do this? I’d have an *
easier time trying to do a *
handstand while taking a shit. *

ALIEN
You wanna know what happened to me,
last time I tried?

The Nerd thinks about it and recalls the Roswell crash of

1947.

NERD
Yeah? Well, you ever seen me play
Top Gun? ...

We see a CLIP from the Nerd’s game review of TOP GUN on

NES. The tiny pixelated plane approaches the aircraft
carrier and crashes into the sea.

NERD (CONT’D)
... Not a pretty sight.

He looks down at the cockpit controls and jams the stick

forward sending the plane spinning out of control. The Alien
is leaning over puking.

CUT TO: *
 106.

181 EXT. AREA 51 - DAY 181

Death Mwauthzyx tramples over what’s left of the base and

knocks planes out of the air. Army tanks fire at him, but the
monster just crushes them with its mighty feet.

Cooper is still driving to get away. Death Mwauthzyx catches *

up quickly, bends over, picks up the van and starts shaking
the contents of it into his mouth like a box of candies.
Cooper rolls out and hangs on to the open door SCREAMING. He *
looks down into Death Mwauthzyx’s bottomless pit of a mouth.

COOPER *
Holy shitsky!

Death Mwauthzyx drops the van into his mouth, but Cooper *
jumps out in time to land safely on the satellite dish on top
of the monster’s head. The van hits the mountains and smashes
into a spectacular mess!

CUT TO: *

182 EXT. MOCK EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - DAY 182 *

Mandi looks up from the floor and glares at McButter who

cracks her knuckles and grins.

MANDI
Alright bitch. Now I thought I
could make it through this without
objectifying myself in a sexy cat
fight- but it looks like that’s
impossible now.

Mandi rushes McButter and decks her in the mouth. McButter

grabs Mandi by the neck and forces her back up against the
guard rail. Mandi scratches her nails along McButters chest
line, ripping her shirt down at the shoulder.

CUT TO: *

183 INT. FIGHTER JET - DAY 183 *

The Nerd fumbles with the controls as he notices a few enemy

fighter jets behind him.

ALIEN
They’re on us! Hurry!
 107.

Missiles begin flying at them. The Nerd rattles the control

stick back and forth helplessly. The plane spins, but
successfully dodges the oncoming missiles.

CUT TO: *

184 EXT. LAS VEGAS – DAY 184

Death Mwuathzyx makes an explosive entrance to Las Vegas. He

tears down powerlines and smashes a casino billboard. Two men
stand before a car and argue over a fender bender.

GARY
(point at a dent) *
Hey, do you know how much that’s
gonna cost me?

Death Mwauthzyx crushes the car. Both men fall silent.

Cooper is still in the monster’s satellite dish, hanging onto *

the antennae which makes it’s way toward the Luxor Pyramid.

Death Mwauthzyx swats another plane out of the sky and begins
to walk through the Excalibur Castle. The towers crumble.

CUT TO: *

185 INT. FIGHTER JET (MOVING) - DUSK 185

The Nerd can see the Atari Landfill with all the gamers
fighting the military.

NERD
Oh no! We might be too late.

He sends the plane into a nose dive.

NERD (CONT’D)
Come on Nintendo skills, don’t fail
me now! Up, Up, down, down, speed
up, slow down...

CUT TO: *

186 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DUSK 186

The Fighter Jet, small in the distance, whistles through the

air, passes the setting sun, and flies over the landfill
fence!

CUT TO: *
 108.

187 INT. FIGHTER JET - DUSK 187 *

NERD
Nooooo!!

ALIEN
Evacuate!

The Alien hits the eject button. The cockpit hatches open and
both of them are sprung from their seats into the sky.

CUT TO: *

188 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DUSK 188

BOOM! The plane crashes into the sand! Gamers and military
watch in bewilderment. Both the Nerd and Alien can be seen
falling by parachute. Zandor sees the Alien and sheds a tear.

DR. ZANDOR
You’ve done it. I knew you would!

Suddenly, guns pull into Zandor’s face. He looks around to *

see he’s surrounded by the military. *

The Nerd and Alien have just landed on the ground. They push *
their parachutes away and look up to find themselves *
surrounded by army men pointing guns. Helicopters fly *
overhead. Army tanks surround the perimeters of the fence. *

The Nerd stands up and raises his arms, surrendering. General *

Dark Onward rolls up in his tank, laughing. *

CUT TO: *

189 EXT. LAS VEGAS – NIGHT 189 *

Death Mwauthzyx continues his rampage, approaching the mock

Eiffel TOWER.

CUT TO: *

190 INT. PARIS HOTEL AND CASINO - NIGHT 190 *

A GAMBLER eagerly watches the ball bounce on a roulette

wheel.

GAMBLER
Come on double zero!

The ball lands on black. The woman’s face drops.

 109.

GAMBLER (CONT’D)
Awww, I never win at anything!

Suddenly BOOM! The room shakes. The ball bounces into double
zero. Everyone at the table cheers.

CUT TO: *

191 EXT. VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT 191 *

Army tanks shoot at Death Mwauthzyx. Explosions scatter all

over Death Mwauthzyx’s hide, but inflict no damage.

CUT TO: *

192 EXT. TOP OF DEATH MWAUTHZYX’S HEAD - NIGHT 192 *

Cooper, hanging onto the satellite antenna, notices Mandi and *

McButter fighting on the Eiffel Tower.

COOPER *
Hot! ... Oh wait. Mandi!

CUT TO: *

193 EXT. MOCK EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - NIGHT 193 *

Mandi sends a flying kick to McButter’s face. McButter falls

back and goes over the edge of the tower.

CUT TO: *

194 EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT 194 *

A TENTACLE ARM of Death Mwauthzyx reaches out and grabs the

Mock Eiffel Tower. He shakes it!

CUT TO: *

195 EXT. TOP OF DEATH MWAUTHZYX’S HEAD - NIGHT 195 *

COOPER *
Nooo!

CUT TO: *
 110.

196 EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT 196 *

Death Mwauthzyx bends the tower back until it snaps in two.

Mandi jumps off in time to catch onto one of the monster’s
tentacles.

Death Mwauthzyx takes notice that he has a girl hanging off

his tentacle. He brings her close to his face and checks her
out. He cackles in approval and walks away from the broken
tower, heading toward the mock Empire State Building.

Cooper shouts to Mandi from the satellite dish. *

COOPER *
Mandi! It’s me. Cooper! *

MANDI
You asshole! You left me for dead.

COOPER *
I’m sorry. I thought you were a
double agent.

MANDI
I’m not even a single agent!

Death Mwauthzyx is stomping on cars and trucks caught in a

traffic jam along the street. Gamblers, prostitutes and their
pimp all flee to get out of the way.

CUT TO: *

197 INT. VEGAS CHAPEL - NIGHT 197 *

A priest stands before a young BRIDE and GROOM.

PRIEST
Do you take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

Suddenly the Groom’s smile turns to horror when he sees a

giant robotic moth wrecking havoc out the window.

GROOM
No! Oh God no!

The insulted Bride smacks the groom across the face.

CUT TO: *
 111.

198 EXT. VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT 198 *

The robot moth flutters it’s wings and begins climbing the-

CUT TO: *

199 EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - NIGHT 199 *

Halfway to the top, he punches a helicopter which explodes

knocking hot embers onto Mandi. She SCREAMS!

CUT TO: *

200 EXT. TOP OF DEATH MWAUTHZYX’S HEAD - NIGHT 200 *

Cooper’s face hardens with the determination of a hero. *

COOPER *
Hang on Mandi.

CUT TO: *

201 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 201 *

The Nerd and Alien raise their hands, caught in the cross- *
target of the General’s tank. *

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Give up, Nerd. It’s over for you
now.

Nearby, he has two army men holding Louis Zandor at gunpoint.

NERD
Zandor!

Dark Onward laughs maniacally. Zandor shouts to the Nerd.

DR. ZANDOR
Nerd! There’s something important I
have to tell you. The space metal!
The pieces to the ship! I put them
in the safest spot imaginable. In
the hands of all the children.
They’re inside the E.T. games!

The Nerd goes into a spellbound daze. *

CUT TO: *

BEGIN FLASHBACK MONTAGE *

 112.

202 EXT. ROSWELL DESERT - FLASHBACK - DAY 202 *

FLASHBACK of UFO crashing in the Roswell desert.

Government officials gathering the mysterious space metal.

CUT TO: *

203 INT. AREA 51 - LAB - FLASHBACK - DAY 203 *

Young Zandor in the Area 51 lab, stealing all the

fragments. Zandor designing the game, melting down the
space metal, leaning over a table with a soldering iron,
using the metal to make the Atari circuit boards, and then
laboriously sealing them into the plastic E.T. game
cartridges.

CUT TO: *

204 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - DAY 204 *

Cooper holding the broken game in the desert that *

mysteriously comes back together.

CUT TO: *

205 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - FLASHBACK - DAY 205 *

Millions of E.T. games being carried on dump trucks into

the desert and dumped into this very landfill.

END MONTAGE *

CUT TO: *

206 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 206 *

The Nerd looks down to the ground. *

NERD (V.O.) *
Ingenious.

Alien gives a re-assuring glance to the Nerd. Suddenly, the

ground begins to RUMBLE and QUAKE! The ground cracks open.
The army men stumble around. Army tanks get stuck in their
tracks. A giant whirlwind comes up from the sand, spewing
pieces of garbage all over.

The clouds above swirl into a hurricane shape, sucking E.T.

GAME CARTRIDGES up from the ground. The Nerd, Zandor, Onward,
everyone, watches in amazement.
 113.

The cartridges swirl up into the sky, eclipsing the setting

sun and casting a shadow on the ground.

ALIEN
I have enough accumulated power
now. I can summon them all! *

MONTAGE OF CARTRIDGES *

ALL OVER THE WORLD, we see E.T. cartridges floating away from
their locations, coming out of CLOSETS, flying away from FLEA
MARKETS, coming out of DUMPSTERS, from gamers SHELVES, used
video game STORES, and popping out of actual game consoles as
GAMERS stare in shock. The cartridges sail across the sky,
like migrating geese. *

CUT TO: *

207 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 207 *

All the games swirl around the sky above the landfill. They
all come together, bashing into one another. The plastic
breaks open and the metal inner-chips come out. The metal
fragments all cling together and form into one giant solid
mass.

The mass takes the form of a round glimmering SPACESHIP. The

Alien runs up to the empty crater it’s made out of the
landfill. He jumps over the edge of the crater and floats up
to the spaceship. A tractor beam pulls him inside.

The Nerd stares in awe. The spaceship begins moving and opens
its tractor beam again. The Nerd is sucked inside.

The military all lower their weapons. Dark Onward looks

around, dumbfounded.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD

Are you all a bunch of pussies?

Infuriated with rage, he fires a shot from his tank, blowing

a huge hole in the fence.

He drives the tank into the landfill area and aims the tank’s
turret up to the UFO which hovers in the air. He begins
firing repeatedly. All shots are deflected off the ship.

The General doesn’t realize he is heading straight toward the

large empty crater left from the E.T. games. He keeps
shooting away and driving blindly.
 114.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Immigrant cock sucker. I’ll teach
you to planet hop!

The tank tips over the edge of the crater and starts tumbling
down.

GENERAL DARK ONWARD (CONT’D)

Nooooo!!!

BOOM! The tank explodes!

CUT TO: *

208 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 208

The Nerd’s head peaks out the bottom of the ship and stares
in amazement. Whatever’s left of the general is strewn about
the bottom of the pit in a flaming wreck.

NERD
Goodbye, you Xenophobic bastard!

The spaceship flies into the distance as everyone CHEERS,

even the military.

CUT TO: *

209 EXT. LAS VEGAS - MOCK EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - NIGHT 209 *

Death Mwauthzyx CACKLES as he places Mandi on top of the

Empire State Building and swings around the skyscraper’s
antenna. Spotlights occasionally light up the moth’s face as
planes and helicopters whirl around his head.

A team of fighter jets swoop down and unload their ammunition

at Death Mwauthzyx. Several missiles accidentally hit the
Empire State Building. The antenna breaks off sending Mandi
flying through the air!

CUT TO: *

210 EXT. TOP OF DEATH MWAUTHZYX - NIGHT 210

Cooper leaps off the monster’s satellite dish. *

CUT TO: *
 115.

211 EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT 211 *

In mid-air, Cooper grabs Mandi by the arm. They fall down for *
quite a while until Cooper reaches out with his other hand *
and grabs hold off a tentacle. Instantly, he’s shaken off.
Next, he attempts to grab onto the building, but there is
nothing to grab. They go SCREAMING down... down... down...
until suddenly they stop.

They are both suspended in the air by a strange light. PULL

BACK to reveal them being held up by the space ships tractor
beam! They are both beamed up into the saucer.

CUT TO: *

212 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 212

Cooper and the Mandi float up into the ship through a hole in *
it’s base. It is a delightful cheesy display of colored
lights and control panels right out of a classic Star Trek
episode. The Nerd and Alien are seated at the main control
board.

NERD
Got ya!

The Nerd hugs both Cooper and Mandi. *

MANDI
Great save guys! Thanks!

NERD
Yeah Cooper, you really turned into *
a man there.

Just then, the space ship rocks as the Alien brings the nose
of the saucer face to face with Death Mwauthzyx.

COOPER *
Ha! Death Mwauthzyx! You thought I
was making it up, huh?

NERD
Well I’ll be damned if all that
other stuff you said was true too.

Death Mwauthzyx cackles!

ALIEN *
None of that’s gonna matter soon if *
he turns his satellite dish. *
 116.

NERD *
If he can wipe away all space and *
time by turning that stupid dish, *
why is he playing around in Las *
Vegas! *

ALIEN
That’s how he gets his kicks. I *
don’t fucking know! I’ve known him *
for 5,000 years and he never got *
around to it. Imagine if you were *
Death Mwauthzyx and knew everything
there was. You would be so bored, *
you’d go crazy. But if there was
one thing that maybe you haven’t
thought of in a while. One thing
that nobody could ever learn. One
indescribable, far out,
unimaginable, fucked up, enigma of
nature way, way, way outside the
boundaries of existence. Maybe, if
I could direct his attention to
that, he’ll go away. *

The Alien programs some mysterious information into the

machine.

COOPER *
Kinda like turning on Sunday
football when you wanted Dad to
forget about the weekend chores you
were supposed to do.

ALIEN
Not really.

COOPER *
Okay.

ALIEN
I just need a good shot at the
satellite dish.

The Nerd grabs the joystick.

NERD
Let me do it!

Everyone gathers around the Nerd, like friends watching him

play a video game.

COOPER *
Get’em, Nerd!
 117.

MANDI
Do it!

ALIEN
Go for it!

NERD
I’ve always wanted to meddle with
powers I can’t possibly understand.

The Nerd stares, dead in the eye at Death Mwauthzyx who holds
out three tentacles. On the end of each tentacle appears a
FACE of the Nerd’s enemies, JOHN SWANN, MCBUTTER, and DARK *
ONWARD.

COOPER *
Now that’s some heavy handed
symbolism.

He pushes the red button, firing a laser beam.

CUT TO: *

213 EXT. LAS VEGAS - EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - NIGHT 213 *

The laser beam hits the satellite dish. It deflects off and
bounces into the sky, way out into the vastness of space,
reaches the boundaries of existence and hits some unseen
paradoxical indescribable object. The beam bounces back and
is received by Death Mwuathzyx’s satellite dish. His digital
brain reads the information and suddenly, Death Mwauthzyx
puts on a pair of Groucho Marx glasses with a moustache and
nose, crosses his eyes and laughs! Then he flaps his wings
and flies off into the void of space.

CUT TO: *

214 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 214

The Nerd, Cooper, Mandi and Alien all CHEER! *

COOPER *
You did it Nerd. You’re a god damn
hero!

The Nerd squints as he stares out into the Las Vegas skyline.

NERD
Not yet. There’s still one more
thing I have to do.

CUT TO: *
 118.

215 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 215

The spaceship descends once again upon the gaping crater left
from where the E.T. games were once buried. It hovers over
the heads of the Nerd’s mesmerized fans who are treated to
the amazing light show that the ship provides.

CUT TO: *

216 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 216

The Alien steadies the spacecraft as the Nerd turns to Mandi.

He holds up the E.T. II disc and pops it into the CD-ROM
drive built into the ship’s motherboard.

MANDI
Oh Nerd. You don’t owe Cockburn
Inc. anything at this point.

NERD
I’m gonna stay true to my word.

The Nerd bends the on-board microphone towards Mandi’s face.

NERD (CONT’D)
Care to give us an intro?

Mandi takes the Microphone and looks out at the Nerd’s

adoring fans.

CUT TO: *

217 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 217

The Nerd’s fans look up at the space ship with bated breath
as two speakers slowly emerge from a pair of trap doors.

MANDI (O.S.)
I now present to you AVGN’s long
awaited review, E.T. II! He’s the
angriest gamer you’ve ever heard!
He’s the angry video game...

CUT TO: *

218 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 218

The Alien pushes a button.

CUT TO: *
 119.

219 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 219

The ship beams a holographic projection of the E.T. II title

screen in the air space above the landfill.

The crowd screams the chant.

CROWD
Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!

The Nerd is beamed down from the ship, holding a wireless

game controller and wearing a headset/microphone. The beam
continues to spotlight the Nerd as he stands below the giant
screen.

The Nerd pushes start. The fans go quiet. The game shows a 3D
rendering of E.T. running around, falling down holes.

NERD
So this is the new E.T. II. Looks
like someone trying to capitalize
on the success of someone’s failure
and that’s just sad. So fuck this
game.

CUT TO: *

220 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 220 *

Mandi takes the disc out of the console and tosses it out the
opening in the bottom of the ship.

CUT TO: *

221 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 221 *

The crowd cheers as the E.T. II disc falls from the ship into
the new crater in the landfill. A MISCHIEVOUS GAMER gets a
bright idea. He throws his CD copy of E.T. II over the fence
into the landfill as well. This starts the whole crowd
frisbeeing their shitty CD’s.

CUT TO: *

222 INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT 222 *

Cooper converses with the Alien. *

 120.

COOPER *
I know we don’t have the cartridges
anymore, but can this ship somehow
play the old E.T. game?

ALIEN
This ship was the old E.T. game. I
can reload the bygone data from the
circuitry.

The Alien fidgets with some controls.

CUT TO: *

223 EXT. ATARI LANDFILL - NIGHT 223 *

Everyone finishes throwing their CD’s into the landfill.

During all the commotion, Cooper and Mandi are beamed down *
from the ship. *

Cooper turns to the Nerd. *

COOPER *
Is birds before nerds, okay? *

NERD *
If you have one, don’t let her fly *
away. *

COOPER *
Okay. *

Cooper leans Mandi over and kisses her! *

NERD *
Damn! *

Cooper’s iPhone rings, caller ID reading: “MOTHER”. Cooper *

swipes to answer.

COOPER *
What, Mom?
(beat)
Yeah, I’m fine. I was just in a
flying saucer with the Nerd and we
saved the universe. Okay? Bye.

Cooper hangs up the phone. *

COOPER (CONT’D) *
Ya see Nerd. You’re just like my
mom. Overprotective.
(MORE)
 121.

COOPER (CONT’D)
The fans don’t need you to protect
them against bad games. Your fans
can take care of themselves.

The Nerd nods.

The original E.T. game appears on the holographic screen as

the audience applauds wildly! The Nerd looks up at the screen
in shock. An Atari 2600 joystick descends from the spaceship,
dangling from a long wire. (It’s just like the space probes
in the original War of the Worlds movie.) The Nerd looks at
the joystick, an arms reach away.

Then he looks around at the sea of screaming fans, all happy,

friendly faces. Emotional MUSIC swells up. The Nerd begins
speaking to the crowd again.

NERD
Well everybody... I’ve said before
that I wanted every cartridge of
this game off the face of the
Earth.

The Nerd gazes up at the spaceship.

NERD (CONT’D)
And... I think I’m getting my wish.

The Nerd manages a smile.

NERD (CONT’D)
But first... You’re gonna get
yours.

The Nerd reaches out and grabs the joystick. Big MUSIC
CLIMAX. The fans roar with APPLAUSE.

END CREDIT SEQUENCE BEGINS

The Nerd’s review begins. Despite it being a live review, the *

game clips are edited to match the Nerd’s commentary. We see
footage of the game being narrated over, occasionally cutting
to shots of the Nerd conducting his review below the giant
screen, as well as reaction shots of the crowd, Mandi,
Cooper, Zandor. *

POST-CREDIT SEQUENCE

The Nerd is finishing his review.

NERD (CONT’D)
So is it the worst game of all
time? I don't think so.
(MORE)
 122.

NERD (CONT’D)
In fact, as a brain teaser, I find
it quite addicting. Considering it
was made in such a short amount of
time, it’s more sophisticated than
anything of its era. Raiders of the
Lost Ark was just as strange and
cryptic, but that game was received
with glowing praise. Both of these
games came with instruction
manuals. I can understand kids want
to just pick up a game and enjoy it
without having to read a fucking
book! But if you could figure out
Raiders, you could figure out E.T.
So what was it that gave it this
reputation? I can't answer that.
It’s just something that happened.

Zandor hears the Nerd’s sentiments.

NERD (CONT’D)
So is there something mystical
about the E.T. game? There is. The
mystical thing about many of these
craptastic old games is that
they’re extremely fun to play. They
hold some special merit and make us
feel like we're still in that
special time, when we were kids.
And that's the power of the
classics. We love to hate the
classics.

The audiences burst into cheers. The Nerd salutes the crowd.

The Alien waves goodbye and blasts across the sky like a
shooting star. The Nerd’s eyes well up.

Zandor steps up to the Nerd.

DR. ZANDOR *
The prophecy has been fulfilled.

The Nerd turns to Zandor.

NERD
So, where do I go from here?

DR. ZANDOR
Well, if you want to find the Ark
of the Covenant, I think you know
what game to play.

The Nerd looks at Zandor with gaping eyes. Zandor winks.

 123.

THE END *